#Turtles All the Way Down Film Review

[afabstract]

Turtles All the Way Down Movie Review

Aza Holmes lives with OCD and often gets overwhelmed by her thoughts, but when she meets the charming Davis, a possible romance brews, along with the chance to solve a mystery.

⭐⭐⭐ Rating: 3 out of 5. Follow us on Twitter | Instagram Director: Hannah Marks Writers: John Green, Elizabeth Berger, Isaac Aptaker Seventeen-year-old Aza Holmes thinks she would kill to be like other “normal” kids her age, instead of zoning out all the time, taking pills, and losing herself to her obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). When a billionaire in their town goes missing, her best…

[leimeurab]

just finished watching the adaptation of turtles all the way down and to sum up my thoughts: "well that was different".

the film is very different from the source material by mr. john green. the film relies more on the cinematic drama-esque theme of the book and might left out or changed important details from the book. i could talk all day about how they differ as i also just read the book like a week ago or something but the film is far different from the book. im pretty sure you could just do a quick google search on the differences but i suggest you read the book and watch the film yourself.

the addition of professor abott makes the explanation for turtles all the way down so much impactful in my opinion. in the book (spoiler alert) they just talked about it at such a random moment towards the end without an explanation whatsover as to how it relates to the story; the explanation is left for the interpretation of the reader. but with the film, they gave it to you. and the chicago storyline makes for so much of a great story and a more dramatic first kiss of aza. in my opinion. it just gives much impactful justification for her thought process for me.

on the mystery aspect of it, however, i feel like i dig with the book's mystery more than the film. i suggest reading the book for a better take on pickett's disappearance. the film just kind of ignores it and just took care of it at the end. pickett (spoiler alert) hinted to have taken his own life in the film doesn't sit right with me. the book really elaborates on his story more and i liked it about the book. the jogger's mouth detail not being known by daisy until they found pickett's jacket (?) is also a drawback for me. it just came out of nowhere towards the end, unlike in the book where it really did stuck with them and the readers and did not feel too random or "pushed" of a detail.

i liked both the book and the film, i feel like they did great for what they deliver to the audience. with the drastic changes however, i cant help but come to a thought of how the book lacks something that the film has and how the film lacks something that the book has. again, i liked both versions. i liked the book for it's mystery element and how it tackles the relationship between the characters. these, i feel like the film lacks (in my opinion). i liked the film as it tells the same story on a different take and i like their take. justifications are made for things the book doesn't really deliver that much.

overall a great story. thank you, mr john green for this incredible book. the film also did a great job with it though it was eventually just have to change things for understandable reasons. like, why would they show a whole-ass tuatara enclosure? the film is worth the watch, i'll tell you that. i recommend, and trust me when i tell you it is a must, reading the book turtles all the way down by mr john green. this is personally my first western/english book to have finished reading but it really is great! fantastic work, mr john green. hoping for more to come! 🫶

[esichime]

My ★★ review of Turtles All the Way Down (2024) on Letterboxd:

[xarliclub]

Turtles All the way down. No es tu rom-com promedio, de hecho, no se parece a nada que hayas visto. Y el tráiler no muestra el tema principal del libro. Eso es bueno.

#xarliclub #movie #movies #films #film #cine #cinema #peli #pelis #pelicula

[twig-tea]

East Palace, West Palace in ep5 of Blue Canvas of Youthful Days

I have been punched in the solar plexus by Blue Canvas of Youthful Days episode 5. So much happens in that episode that is overwhelming, from Qi Lu setting up a Netflix-and-chill date with the clear intention of making a move, to his putting on the famous film East Palace, West Palace (1996), to Qi Lu hiding Qin Xiao in the closet, to Qi Lu's panic at his father realizing he's been lied to, to the devastatingly practiced way Teacher Liu steps to Qi Lu being abused and handles his father, to the way Qi Lu shuts down, to the way QIn Xiao keeps sending mixed signals and Qi Lu calls him on it directly. And nobody else in this episode let me rest either; Tan Fan trying to ask Teacher Liu to wait for him and Liu brushing him off AGAIN, and Turtle trying to call out

@lurkingshan was already more coherent than I can be right now about what happened in the episode in her post.

So instead I want to focus on some queer cinema history that this episode evoked by using East Palace, West Palace as the film that Qi Lu shows to QIn Xiao.

For those who don't know, EPWP is considered to be the first realistic depiction of a gay man in film by a mainland Chinese production. It is to my knowledge the first time a gay man says "I love you" to another man on screen. It was made before being gay was decriminalized in China (1997), and it was filmed by an independent production company and smuggled out of China to France in order to be finished and distributed. It ended up at the Cannes festival in 1997, but the director's passport was seized and he was placed under house arrest to prevent him from attending. Despite pressure to pull the film, it still aired that year. In 1998, the Film Law was passed to prevent anyone from making films outside of the studio system (and therefore censorship review), effectively preventing anything like EPWP from being made in the future.

The film is about a gay man who cruises in the notorious bathrooms in the parks on either side of Tiananmen Square getting harassed by police officers (a situation extremely familiar to the historical queer experience in Canada [where I'm from] as well) and playing what I'd describe as a psychological game with one of them; A Lan kisses the cop, runs, and then gets caught a second time, and uses the second police confession as an excuse to tell his life's story in the public record, all while pushing the police officer a little further into deviance. As far as I'm aware, this film has been banned in China since being made and never shown (please correct me if I'm wrong about that!).

This is hitting me hard because of the much more recent history of Blue Canvas of Youthful Days itself. As most of you know, but I'll capture here for posterity, episodes 1-4 of this show aired on iQIYI (a China-based app) on August 6, and within 24 hours they were pulled from the app with no information about the future episodes being shown. When I watched episode 5 today, after waiting for it for 3 months, I was immediately hit with a wave of anger that this gorgeous, emotionally moving and powerful episode had been held back from public consumption for months, for the same reasons that the film being shown within the episode had been withheld from viewing in its own country.

Censorship is such an ugly thing, it's hard to articulate but the emotions around it are so strong because we know, when they pull or refuse to show media that depicts our lives, it's because they don't want our lives to be real; they don't want us to exist. It's a very real threat. And to have this episode--which is all about an abused boy who is in very real danger but so bravely insisting that he shoot his shot and take his best chance at love and happiness anyway, using the iconic confession scene from one of the most famous banned films in Chinese queer cinema history to do it--to have this episode be the one that was prevented from airing......I am overwhelmed.

In the scenes they watch in episode 5, A Lan tries to prevent the officer from uncuffing him, and then the officer lets him go, but A Lan doesn't go far and comes back. He declares his love to the officer's face, and demands that his love be acknowledged and not dismissed. And the officer does not know what to do with it and reacts with violence, which is partially what A Lan has been angling at all along. The show really played with this by having all three of the couples in the show stymied by having their overtures dismissed this episode, but we almost didn't get to see it.

I'm so grateful this got distribution now, and on multiple platforms. Blue Canvas of Youthful Days is airing Saturdays and Sundays on GagaOOLala and Youtube (note, as per @thisonelikesaliens's excellent language posts, the subs on Gaga are much better), and on Mondays on Viki. I know there is an avalanche of content right now, but this show is so good and worked so hard to make it to us, please give it some love!

[bobbinfire]

Transformers One - Animation Student Analysis

(Aka why TFHypeGuy is right and you need to make this a #TFWeekend)

Disclaimer: This is a Review by an animation student based on the first viewing alone. I will not be giving the same quality of analysis of a film like a seasoned animation professional. However, I still have tons of knowledge by the years I have spent personally studying animated films and the new information learned through my academics. If you are still here, with that out of the way let’s begin.

(As requested by @serotoninisheldinkiwis)

((Spoilers below- quick non spoiler version here))

Transformers one is the peak example of what a brand such as the transformers franchise could accomplish when fans and talented artists work together to make a piece of art. The phrase of “could accomplish” is even over written as they “have accomplished” this. Both seasoned and newly furnished transformers fans seem to concur this as a fact.

All animation fans (you could even get the same from any of my fellow animation classmates) agree the Spider-Man Into/Across the Spider-verse movies are the best amongst the vast pool of the animated film medium. Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie (2022) was my favorite animated film, for both story and animation. But when compared to the artistry that is the Spider-verse, I knew that it still couldn’t compare in terms of mastery. No matter how much a film has your love, you are more likely than not to agree with the concept that Spider-verse saga is the best. And I used to agree. That was until the night of Friday September 20, when Transformers One single handily took the scepter of victory and waved it high for the awaiting crowds to see. The controversy I may get from this will probably be immense, but the statement I am willing to scream from the rooftops is that Transformers One has officially surpassed Spider-Verse movies as the top animated film. 

But what actually makes an animated film the “best” when compared to the variety of competitors flooding the market on a bi-monthly basis? What makes this film so better when it could be just the current hyper fixation coded bias of a long time transformers kid who just got handed a shiny new toy to play with and will eventually forget about once the next film releases. Well my friends…and random people of the internet, here is an analysis made by an animation student (me *cough *cough) that breaks down the answer to that question. 

Animation

As with any quality animated film, the animation itself will make or break a film as it is the core part of the film. Transformers One’s animation was handled by the company Industrial Lights and Magic. While not a large competitor in terms of feature film animation, they have produced films that have pushed past known boundaries of both animation and story as seen in their few animated feature films: Rango (2011), Strange Magic (2015), and Ultraman Rising (2024). Their work in the industry is primarily known in reference to their special effects work with Jurassic Park (1993) and Star Wars (1977). ILM’s animation in Transformers One manages to bring to life a world many have tried to do before, but not as elegantly or dare I say brilliant as this. The animation itself seems to stay on a constant frame rate, the beauty of special movements or actions being more defined by hard cuts or continuously moving shots. Each movement has purpose even ones that seem more throw away because it adds to the personality of the characters/environment. Specialty/new techniques are not as important for this film, which is perfectly okay considering they managed to hit each one of the 12 principles of animation when it counted most. An animation coming from a special effects studio in general is very good because they tend to pay major attention to any animation related to special effects, even if it’s just for a cartoon. Details can range from giant Quintesson ship slowly descending to the tiny sparks cause from a hit to a metal face. The animation in general is smooth as well as robotic only when it needs to be.

Environments

There have been a variety of environments in both animated and live action films that have help suck the audience into the story. When an animated pulls it off successfully it is even more noteworthy worthy. However, one must note the limited use of environments when it comes to how much we see past the establishing shots. Most times the best of environmental shots are primarily used to help set up a location or scene, then the rest of that is limited to a small corner (more often than not for budgetary reasons). Transformers One leans into the almost constant use of environments, not only for location, but for story as well. There is a variety of scenes that are carried through meticulously crafted sets and allow for you to not only finally get to know the world of Cybertron, but we travel through the environments almost fully as we progress the story alongside the characters. Minor details play a large role in the environment. Between the polished textures, the detailed individual blades of alien vegetation, the different background characters, and the hidden easter eggs within the framework of the designs themselves allow for a new thing for you eyes to feast upon with each viewing.

Textures

The use of textures in both environment and character design is on another level when compared to other 3D animated films. Speaking from experience the process of applying basic textures to a 3D model already requires hours of hard work, dedication, and patience that you will be very low on by the end of the whole ordeal. So when you analyze the detail and complexity of the work the team at ILM brought to the table it is truly extraordinary, even more so when you realize the time it would take to fight the UV layout and unwrap the mesh of a complicated figure like a cybertronian, especially one that has to transform. If you are confused on my alien language look up basic uv layout and texturing tutorial for maya on YouTube and generate a heart attack for yourself. Good luck sleeping tonight. Transformers one works itself down to the individual grains in the sand, the cracks in the ground, the glitter speckled plating on Elita-One’s head; even the length and deepness of scratches in armor can be measured. The effort put forth creates an effect of feeling you can touch the textures just by looking at them. Of course textures can only go so far without the correct use of the next subject. 

Lighting

When used to its fullest extent lighting not only lights the cast and their environment but it helps extend storytelling capabilities. Things such as mood, emotions, atmosphere, movement and location are brought out through simple artificial particles. The darkness of the mines contrast with the bright fantasy lighting of Iacon, which in its own way contrast the calm natural lighting of the surface. The carefully crafted textures of a surface could not be fully realized without the full use of directed light bouncing off it. During the final sequence of fights the change of D-16 to Megatron is not only conveyed through the change in the lighted color of his eyes but the waves of light flowing from them as he battles his way through opponents. The trail of light allows our eyes to not only follow Megaton’s movements but his descent into his dark path, with his blood red rage clouding his vision and being all that he can see.

And finally the most important point to cover with any animated film besides animation:

Story

Recently Dreamworks employee Rick  Rickdel gave a lecture on my campus. Out of all he talked about one of my major takeaways was when he said: “a story only connects with the felt needs of your audience”. Transformers fans have been wanting a movie like Transformers One for a long time. Even the smallest fans wanted to know what happens between Optimus and Megatron. And that’s the true beauty of this movie. We already know basically what happened between them, we know the overall story. Going into the theater we already knew how it was going to officially end and based on the lore we knew how it was going to start even. So the most important thing for Transformers One was how they connected the two and carried out the main part of the story. And what they did not only managed to meet expectations, but surprised us multiple points along the way. Voice actors poured their souls into these characters, leaving behind their celebrity personalities and bringing the characters to life. Each character themselves that had a relatively good chunk of screen time had a role in the story and were not just throw away side characters. With each one it’s set up for an almost domino like effect for the plot. Bee is not just a goofy side character, he assists in the journey, helps them get to new locations, and even provides relief from the typical dark undertones. Darkwing is a side character that ends through one quick mean spirited action kicks off the rising action at break neck speed. The quintessions show briefly, but provide enough of a threat without overstepping the plot’s boundaries that it is okay they are not there for long, but there may be a chance they can come again. Sentinel is at first glance a stereotypical egocentric villain, but take away his power and status and he will crumble in your hands (quite literally). He is not designed to be redeemable, but he is also not evil just for the sake of being evil. He has goals, he has factors that push him to evil things, but he very clearly has gone far enough that he no longer cares. His overall actions that are not super specifically targeted end up affecting what were originally minor threats to the point it results in his demise. And because of how his character was designed we rejoice even if actual justice wasn’t delivered. For a film have good storytelling it needs to have two factors: the story (the lore and information the audience receives in order to understand the film’s world) and plot (the events that play out in the films timeframe). The movie uses both of these to their proper extent allowing people like my friend was never watched any Transformers media before to watch it with understanding and enjoy it. It plays out what we expect of transformers media while taking on its own persona. What I find most enjoyable about the movies plot is the fact it is similar to a slow burn romance, but in reverse. We take this strongly built brotherly bond that can be shaken, yet once the match gets struck we can do nothing but watch as all these ties melt to heartache before our very eyes. And the audience’s vision eats it up without blinking once. We watch as D-16 goes to catch Orion, only to slowly realize he can’t undo what he’s done to the point of of diluting his mind to making it Orion’s’ on fault. We watch orions spark break through the emotions in his eyes as he begs D-16 not to…but it’s not about not dropping him, it’s about not becoming what he has watched him slowly come into to the point a flip is switch and D-16 is gone. @sephirose explained the summary of this movie best:

“D-16 reached out and caught Orion.

Megatron dropped him.

Orion Pax held onto D-16.

Optimus Prime let him go.”

Even the soundtrack tells a story. “The Fall” it only plays an emotional heartstrings of former Transformers Prime fans, but encapsulates “the actual physical fall of Orion and the metaphorical one of D-16 as he kills Sentinel” (@firebunnylover). Even if the end of the film is just a quick hit of Megatron being banished and forming the Deceptioncons while Orion ascends and becomes robot Jesus, it is what we were expecting. 

And that is the culmination of these factors. It manages to astound and amaze, but in the end it was a Transformers movie meant to be satisfactory. It is satisfying to the transformers soul, and in turn we should do our part like TFOneGuy says and give it the appreciation it deserves.

Anyways, sorry this took so long (I say to the single person who asked for this) to get out but in order to be able to give an in-depth animation student analysis I have to do well in my animation classes.

[maddys-nerd-blog]

Maddy’s Favorite TMNT Films Ranked!

It’s my birthday!!! I’m officially 25, which makes me shudder cuz I’m in my quarter life crisis now. REGARDLESS! Since it’s the day of my birth I thought it right to do something special!!

And that’s rank ALL the TMNT movies from my least favorite to my all-time faves!

I’m honored you all enjoyed my silly episode ranking, it was tons of fun to do and I loved writing it!! Chatting about these turtles has been nothing but fun and brings me tons of comfort, so I’m happy to do one of these again! I just pray my opinions aren’t too controversial 🤣🤣

Ten movies, all about four teenage mutant ninja turtles. One nerd to review these. This’ll be fun!!

Let’s kick some shell! 💜💜💜

Some criteria!

These are just my thoughts on the films! I’m not the end all, be all of what movie is THE BEST or THE WORST. If you like a movie that may have ranked lower, that’s awesome!! Let’s all share our opinions on them and have a fun time!

Straight to DVD films are included in this lineup!

The live concerts and We Wish You a Turtles Christmas are not allowed cuz those are fever dreams 🤣

I’ll be doing a classic ranking system from the bottom all the way to the top!

SPOILERS BEWARE! … AGAIN 🤣🤣 and some slight swearing, I may have gotten excited while writing this 🤣🤣🤣

Let’s begin!

10: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 ( 1993 )

My Score: 2 out of 10.

This movie is a fever dream and I can’t be convinced otherwise 🤣

I mean, can you blame me? This was made in a last ditch effort to get Turtlemania back in the mainstream just as it began to die down… and this was a BAD way to win fans back.

From the terrible comedy to the worst TMNT villain in the franchise to grace the silver screen in the form of Walker. Don’t even get me started on the god awful turtle costumes this time around because… dear lord, they’re nightmare fuel. If I saw these guys in an alley I’d run for the hills! They’re downright grotesque to look at! All the characters are either whiny, boring, or unlikable. I have nothing but respect to the voice actors of Leonardo and Michelangelo for sticking it through all three of the classic movies, despite the terrible script they had to work with in this installment. I also feel awful for Elias Koteas, who got the short end of the hockey stick— see what I did there? I’ll see myself out 😂— after ALL the grief Karen’s made him deal with after the first movie, getting booted from the sequel as a result of their nagging, only to be brought back to this mess. And what was with the ancestor-but-maybe-not-but-wait-he-might-be guy that Koteas was also playing??? His character made ZERO sense!

And that Splinter puppet???? THAT THING IS UGLY.

I would never watch this one again unless it was for memes. “What did you expect, maybe the Addams family?!”

No, but I expected a better script than this BS.

9: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows ( 2016 )

My Score: 3.4 out of 10

This may be a tighter script and a slightly more coherent plot, but DAMN, I can’t bare to watch this one for more than ten minutes on a good day.

First of all, Leonardo in this one is downright terrible and a bad leader. I’m STUNNED he never gets reprimanded by his Sensei for his nasty treatment of his brothers— telling Donnie to LIE TO HIS FAMILY ABOUT THE OOZE????? That’s out of character! Belittling Raph with that whole ‘There’s only one vote that counts’ line???? And putting the blame on him and Mikey for the police station fiasco?! He comes off as a bully!!

The plot is somewhat stronger than the first but it’s just taking elements from the Marvel movies, such as the hole in the sky like The Avengers. Shoving needless fan service in our faces as if to say ‘SEE??? WE LEARNED FROM THE FIRST ONE, WE HEARD YOU, THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED RIGHT?! LOOK! THERE’S A FROZEN NEUTRINO ON KRANG’S SHIP!’ Sorry, but this ain’t the Sonic movie, it isn’t going to work unless you actually respect the material you’re adapting! Like with the Sonic movie! They fixed Sonic’s look because of fan demand, and they actually respected their advise! Here though? It’s like they’re just throwing it in our faces just to spite us. It’s not coming from a place of love. Casey Jones in this film is a joke— what a waste to this iconic character to turn him from a badass vigilante into a whining baby vying for April’s affection. Bebop and Rocksteady are annoying as hell. Stockman sucks. Karai is a nothing sandwich. Shredder barely does ANYTHING. And Krang??? EW. Just… ew.

But for all my ranting this far, I do have some positives from this one— April actually gets to have a playful personality which is fun! Once again the turtles are the highlight. Their designs this time around are great!! Less accessories but it allows for more room to show the guys’ fighting abilities and the accessories they do have is there as an added bonus, not to clutter their look! I feel like this was Donnie and Raph’s movie more than anything! The amount of attention they get in this film alone shows that there were writers who loved these guys and treated them with respect! That scene where Donnie single-handedly TOOK CONTROL OF A CRASHING AIRPLANE USING HIS BO AS THE STEERING?! THAT WAS SICK!!! And Raph once again is an absolute BEAST in battle! The motion capture artists are phenomenal as the titular man characters, they all had great chemistry together! I just feel awful that they had to be treated so badly behind the scenes…

It’s not a great movie, and even with the few redeeming factors it still makes me irritated.

8: Turtles Forever ( 2009 )

My Score: 3.5 out of 10

PLEASE DON’T HATE ME 🤣

Remember what I said about us not getting a proper crossover until Ciro Nieli adapted the 1987 turtles into the show?

Yeeeeeah. This one was NOT it. And this was supposed to be the 25th anniversary movie???

For some reason, ALL the ‘03 turtles are so bitter and mean to the 87 counterparts. They’re putting them down at every instance where combat or character bonding is involved, which is ridiculous. ‘03 Donnie WOULD NEVER be so nonchalant about meeting another version of himself— and why does he constantly put down ‘87 Donatello for his inventions??? They should be hyping each other up and talking techno babble! Why is Splinter the only likable person in the whole movie?! Why did they change April and Casey’s designs to look like random anime characters?! ( NOTE: I know they changed them to match the 2007 film at the time, I’m just being funny )

I already can’t stand the ‘03 version of Shredder but DAMN, they’re making him out to be the most amazing version of him out there. It’s like the writers behind this movie are ragging ‘87 Shredder— WHY DID THEY MAKE HIM A HAPLESS IDIOT?! They gave ‘87 Shredder so much disrespect! In the original cartoon, while he could be used for laughs, he was also taken seriously and seen as a very real threat. He was no slouch whatsoever either, he easily took the turtles out in one episode in season two! The only ones who actually stayed ‘in character’ were Bebop and Rocksteady! It’s like this movie is tearing down what made the OG series fun and iconic to build the ‘03 turtles up to be THE greatest team. I just wanted these two teams to be working together and learning from one another in their own ways! Like, imagine a scene where ‘87 Raphael teaches ‘03 Raph to rip the fourth wall! Or ‘03 Mike and ‘87 Mikey showing each other their own nunchuck tricks! You know? ACTUAL BONDING????

And yes, the OG voice actors were swapped cuz of union disputes by 4Kids. The only one that sounds kind of like his original voice was the guy playing ‘87 Raph. Otherwise? They all sound pretty bad. It actually made me cringe the first time I got around to hearing them, I did NOT get used to them.

I understand there’s an extended cut out there that addresses some of the issues that were cut for time, but unfortunately we don’t have that version to go off of, so I’m left with this.

All I have to say is, THANK YOU CIRO NIELI!!!

7: TMNT ( 2007 )

My Score: 6 out of 10

No this was not intentional 🤣🤣🤣

We’re nearing the halfway point and we’ve reached the TMNT movie I saw as a kid! Fun fact, this movie came out after my birthday and I BEGGED my dad to take me to see it. So as a birthday treat he took me and my brother to see it opening day! Not only was this my introduction to the turtles, but it made eight year old me curious about the series!

Is it as good as I remember?

Well… no, but it’s not bad!

I’ll admit, the plot is kinda slapdash and nonsensical. Like… I know, I know, this is a franchise about teenage turtles who learn ninjutsu and fight a man dressed like a cheese grater. But even for me this story is out there. Why do the Stone Generals have no personality or defining traits other than the weapons they use? Why is Winters so generic? The concept of an immortal general searching for thousands of years for the lost monsters to atone for his terrible mistakes is cool, just not for this franchise if that makes sense. Also this movie doesn’t seem to wanna give Donnie or Mikey any agency; they’re mainly in the background doing comedic stuff or off on the wayside with nothing to do whilst Leo and Raph are pushed into the spotlight. For a story centered around bringing a fractured family back together we don’t get to see how Mikey or Donnie have been handling Leo’s absence during his time spent in Costa Rica.

Yet through this muddy plot we have some of the most iconic/ memorable moments in this franchise! Raph being the Nightwatcher— which is coming back in the comics soon!, Donnie’s tech support meme, THE LEO VS RAPH FIGHT ON THE ROOFTOPS WHICH STILL LOOKS FREAKIN AMAZING TO THIS DAY???? Seriously, Imagi Studios had such an incredible future ahead of them, it’s a shame they went bankrupt! Some of my favorite actions moments in this movie are towards the end where the family is in Winters’ compound and we’re treated to a one-take camera pan of them brawling through a slew of Foot ninja!

And the voice cast here is great!!! Nolan North as Raph??? James Arnold Taylor as Leo?! CHRIS EVANS AS CASEY?! AND MOTHER FING MAKO, AKA UNCLE IROH HIMSELF AS SPLINTER?! It’s a great ensemble!!! Everyone here clearly gave it their all, they should all be praised for this!!

You can tell there was a ton of attention to detail put into this one, and that the people behind it had tons of fun animating it. We could have had a really cool film series on our hands had the studio not fallen under. Otherwise, I still enjoy watching this purely for nostalgia purposes!

6: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze ( 1991 )

My Score: 6.9 out of 10

For a movie made right after the first to cash in on the Turtlemania high, I gotta say, this one’s really fun!

It’s not without flaws though; Karen’s gotta ruin the fun once again and the tone was dragged WAAAAAAY down to take away the darker themes from the previous film cuz they thought children couldn’t handle any action that was too violent. Karen’s also took Mikey’s nunchucks away and got rid of Casey. The story is goofier and doesn’t allow for any space for these characters to breathe or emote past being lighthearted and funny. April isn’t as down to earth since Judith Hoag was replaced, Casey Jones is sorely missed in this story, Tokka and Razar are just dumb, bumbling monsters made to replace Bebop and Rocksteady. Professor Perry is obviously supposed to be Stockman, and the Shredder doesn’t truly engage with the turtles until the end of the movie. The Super Shredder was just a missed opportunity! The turtles don’t get to use their weapons at all except for Donnie cuz he uses a giant stick.

The positives outweigh all of that though! As always the turtles are fun and lovable, the new voice for Donnie is awesome, we get some great comedy spliced throughout the film, the Go Ninja dance sequence is so memorable that to this day people are still bringing it up! And I’d be remiss if I didn’t bring up the introduction to Keno, played by Ernie Ryes Jr., the stunt double of Donatello in the first film!! Keno is a GREAT addition to this cast! I adored his quips and the action stunts he pulls off are thrilling! I honestly think he’d be an awesome character to keep bringing back in new projects! COUGH MUTANT MATHEM SHOW COUGH. I wish he was in more stuff cuz he really is a fun addition to the roster! I even had the opportunity to meet Ernie Ryes Jr. this last summer with a friend of mine, and he was SO nice and SO chill! He was so excited to meet fans who were talking about TMNT, and when I told him how much the franchise meant to me, he gave me a hug and took a pic with me!!! He was such a great guy!!!

I can always go back to this one and smile throughout the movie! Also, GO NINJA GO NINJA GO—

ONTO THE TOP FIVE!! From here on out these are the movies I can rewatch over and over and never grow tired of viewing them!! So let’s get this party started!!

5: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ( 2014 ) ⭐️

My Score: 7.8 out of 10

Say what you will, but I love the first movie more than the sequel 🤣

I love this movie, it’s a ton of fun and the action is truly a spectacle! I feel like I had more fun with this first movie than it’s sequel because, firstly, the plot is quick and engaging. Sure, there are some issues, but I can forgive it because…

This movie IS JUST FUN.

I know this is gonna be a controversial opinion but I really like the first movie over the sequel! I really liked April! I’m of the opinion that Megan Fox can be a decent actress if she’s given the right script, and in this movie, despite the fact she might not have the most compelling arc, she’s still a good interpretation of the spunky reporter we all love! Will Arnet is also pretty funny as Vern! I still think Sacks should have been Stockman instead of Shredder. Making that swap has no integral change to the plot and it would have made more sense. Like… why not keep the mad scientist character as the already established mad scientist? The origin change inspired by the IDW comics may be jarring but I didn’t mind it! It’s just a different iteration of their upbringing but it still remains true to the turtles themselves!

The motion capture technology for the turtles is jaw dropping. I mean it. It feels like Megan Fox is making direct eye contact with these giant mutants, they’re interacting with the scene and characters, when they engage people in combat you FEEL those blows and believe they’re actually beating the snot out of these thugs.

But by far, the turtles are the biggest highlight of this movie. They’re tons of fun to watch and their banter and chemistry is great!

Do they have tons of needless accessories? Yeah

Do they look cluttered? Yeah

But does that take from their personality? NO

Donnie IS A CINNAROLL AND MUST BE CHERISHED. I feel his own techy gadgets and gear adds to his introverted personality! He’s such a lovable dork and I really liked him in this one! Jeremy Howard is a perfect fit to voice/ act for him, nobody can convince me otherwise. PLUS THAT ONE MOMENT WHERE HE SMASHES HIS BO INTO A FOOT GOON’S KNEECAP????

Raph IS A FREAKIN BEAST! GOD-DAYUM, this turtle is easily the strongest incarnation of the hothead to date! Tossing shipping containers like it’s nothing, casually breaking through steel fans to create a blockade against the Foot! I might be in the minority but Alan Richardson is THE first voice I think of when I’m told to say which Raph I prefer!

Mikey is still a bit iffy for me cuz of the weird innuendo jokes, but I can see why people like him! I still think him flying around on a hoverboard skateboard is dope as hell though. And Leo is likable in this one!! He’s actually a responsible older brother who’s devoted to his family and not a selfish jerk keeping secrets from his brothers 🤣🤣😂

Plus, the emotional parts of this one hit harder than the sequel for me, especially on my first viewing. The Splinter Vs Shredder fight is intense and really REALLY well choreographed, very inventive and exciting with all the stunts Splinter pulls off. The moment where Leo and Mikey both scream for their father, the blink and you miss it line of Leo calling Splinter ‘dad’— which was improvised by Leo’s motion capture actor— and the gut-wrenching aftermath of the battle where they’re led away in chains believing their father is dead… that may have gotten me misty eyed.

The snow chase? Badass.

The climax? Pretty damn good.

That elevator scene that was entirely off script and improvised by the motion capture actors? BEST SCENE IN THE ENTIRE FILM.

Is this the best? No, but it didn’t have to be! I love this one! And I can happily say it’s the most fun I’ve had with the Bayverse turtles 🤣

4: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ( 1990 ) ⭐️

My Score: 8.9 out of 10

This is, without question, one of the most stunning displays of practical effects and costume work in any film made at this time. Henson’s Creature Workshop truly outdid themselves in this feature with their work on the turtles.

The turtles look like living, breathing creatures. They actually look as though they’re real! There a small flaws, yes, but I can look past it because the amount of detail and effort that went into these things is incredible!! The stunt actors brought the action to a whole new level in those suits! You can tell every ounce of passion was put into this, and everyone had so much faith in seeing that these turtles lifelike! Brian Tochi, Josh Pais, Corey Feldman and Robbie Rist were perfectly cast as the four mutant turtles!!!

Judith Hoag plays a phenomenal April! Fun, spunky, witty and clever! I met her last summer too and she was truly wonderful!! Such a kind woman who listened to my story and connected with me!

Whoever hired Elias Koteas as Casey needs an eternal raise. He looks like he popped out of the comic and came to life. He was perfect!!

Splinter in this movie IS A GREAT FATHER AND AN AWESOME PARENT.

Shredder gives me chills he’s so intimidating.

When this movie came out everyone went bonkers with Turtlemania fever. The critics slept on this one because this was Eastman and Laird’s comics brought to reality. Steve Barron of Take on Me fame delivered on presenting the dark and gritty nature of the turtle’s lives and how brutal the Foot truly is.

I gotta highlight that score for this film because John DuPrez??? You’re a GENIUS.

My only issue is Danny. He was just obnoxious and selfish the whole way through until the climax. Like… hope you have a couple thousand dollars left to give April instead of the 20 you stole, kid, YOU GOT HER HOUSE BURNED DOWN.

THAT FIGHT SCENE ON THE ROOFTOP IS DOPE AND FUCKING AMAZING. AND CASEY CASUALLY TURNING SHREDDER INTO CRUSHED TUNA???? WE LOVE A BASED CASEY.

I don’t know what else to say other than this is the epitome of a true 90’s classic.

3: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie ( 2022 ) 🥉

My Score: 9 out of 10

Holy. Shit.

This movie LOOKS FUCKING GORGEOUS. DISNEY WHO????? DREAMWORKS WHO???

Before I got into the fandom I found this movie through the trailer and Black Nerd Comedy’s discussion about it. On a day I was bored I turned this on.

AND THIS MADE MY JAW DROP.

I had ZERO clue this movie looked as visually pleasing as it did. I adore this film and the animation behind it. It’s so clean, so slick, the pacing is just right, the action alone made the hair on my arms stand up! I love watching the animatics and storyboards behind the action scenes of this film just to study it and marvel at how freakin talented these artists and animators are!!!!

The voice cast knocked it out of the ballpark! Ben Schwartz in particular deserves massive praise for his performance as Leo, such a dynamic range of emotion to balance out the ‘comedy guy’ to ground him in this serious situation. Plus, Sora from Kingdom Hearts is in this as Casey Jr! 🤣🤣 his character arc having to change from the carefree prankster to the leader who had to step up and save his family is a thrilling plot point we see unfold!

I loved the characters!! I loved the score!!! I loved how this film wasn’t afraid to be genuinely SCARY with the Krang.

The angst???? The whump???? THE CLIMACTIC SHOWDOWN???? CHEFS KISS!!

WHY DID I NOT DISCOVER RISE SOONER?!

I can’t help but gush over this movie of because this is top notch quality!!! I have nothing to say, this one is OP!

2: Batman Vs The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ( 2019 ) 🥈

My Score: 9.8 out of 10

I.

FUCKING.

LOVE.

THIS CROSSOVER.

Literally one of the best crossover films of all time. I adore this Hellboy art style for the film, I adore the opening intro where it’s all German-deco-Impressionism/ noir influenced and it’s all dark and covered in shadow minus the blips of color to symbolize the characters.

I adore the handling of the martial arts versus the brutal, grounded combat style of Batman! I love how the animators literally used the backgrounds to their advantage and made them pieces for the characters to use as weapons!

I adore how the turtles have such natural banter and chemistry with one another! I love how Batgirl and Donnie bond!!! I adore how everyone plays off of each other! The dialogue is fun and full of charm! I loved watching Batman and Shredder going completely off the rails on each other!

I love Donnie!!

I love Mikey!!

I love Batgirl!!

I love the subtle reference to Pink Floyd!!!

I LOVE ALL THE REFERENCES TO ALL THE DIFFERENT ITERATIONS OF TMNT HISTORY BECAUSE YOU KNOW THESE WRITERS/ STORYBOARDERS/ DIRECTORS CARED ABOUT THIS.

My only complaint? The Batman villains are underutilized, their mutant designs are bland as hell and Joker and Harley suck. But I’ve always hated those two so that’s not an issue with the film itself.

That pizza party at the end MAKES this for me. I got the comics this was adapted from, those are SOOOOO GOOD!

Nothing but high praise here. All my heart goes to this one. And this used to be my champion, until this movie blew it out of the water…

1: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem ( 2023 ) 👑

My Score: 12 out of 10

This. THIS is the quintessential TMNT film experience.

Call me biased. Call me boring. Call me basic, but THIS MOVIE SAVED ME THIS PAST SUMMER.

The teaser came out the week of my birthday last year. I couldn’t stop smiling when we got that first taste of what the animation was going to be like. It was like a feast for the eyes!

I trained myself not to watch ANYTHING past that first trailer. I had to ignore leaks and spoilers for MONTHS, I even ignored the posters of the characters themselves because I wanted to be genuinely surprised by who was in the movie. It was like I was prepping for Endgame all over again. I got the figures to prepare for the movie, I bought early fan screening tickets in advance, I took my best friend with me to share the moment cuz there was no way I was NOT gonna have my bestie there too. I even custom tie dyed a shirt with Leo and Donnie’s colors and decked myself out in TMNT gear the day of the premier. I went into that movie bouncing in my seat.

And I left that movie smiling with joy and laughing and crying. And then I proceeded to see it THREE MORE TIMES IN THEATERS. That’s an honor only reserved for the movies that have moved me enough to cry.

The plot is simple but the twists and turns they take leaves you surprised and on the edge! The soundtracks are STELLAR, both the score and the music they used. There are plenty of Easter eggs to find on a rewatch. The jokes ALWAYS LAND! I love these weird cringy turtles and their memes 🤣🤣

The turtles are precious babies that must be protected! Leo is awkward but lovable. Donnie is a Cinnaroll. Raph is hilarious and probably needs a stress toy to calm his anger. Mikey is a joy to watch and he’s relatable! April is fun as hell, MUTANT MAYHEM SPLINTER IS A GREAT DAD AND IN MY TOP THREE BEST RAT DADS LIST. Superfly is HELLA scary, the iconic mutants they included are fun, MONDO GECKO MY BABY BOY LOOK AT HIM GO!

This voice cast is going to become iconic. Everyone from Ice Cube to Jackie Chan to Paul Rudd to the very first actual teen cast of the titular characters!!! Nicolas Cantu, Micah Abbey, Brady Noon and Shamon Brown Jr delivered excellent performances and brought these guys to life!

THIS ANIMATION IS SO UNIQUE AND COOL!!! It looks like EVERY medium was explored and used— everything from 3D to sketchy hand drawn, erratic wild outlining to claymation?! DUDE THIS IS LITERALLY SPIDERVERSE BUT FOR TMNT!!!

The MOTHER FUCKING NO DIGGITY MONTAGE ARE YOU KIDDING ME—

It was all I wanted. It was everything I wanted it to be and then some. After the shit I had to go through in 2023, it felt like a giant breath of fresh air to enjoy something I was so excited for, if only just for an hour and a half. I went straight home and showed my older sister, who was recovering at home at the time during one of her treatments, all the merch I got from the fan event and rattling off about the movie. She laughed and said ‘I’m glad you had a great time!’

Not gonna lie, I was apprehensive when I heard Seth Rogan was the one helming this project cuz his track record of movies hasn’t been the most… friendly to sit through. But, with this? I tip my hat to him! He delivered for the fans, big time.

I loved this film. It’s my favorite TMNT movie of all time. I’m totally stoked for the new series coming out this summer. All I have left to say?

COWABUNGA! 💜❤️🧡💙

TADA~! And that’s it! This took me a week to finish but I’m proud of it!! 😁 I had so much fun making this list!!!

What would you rank these movies? I’d love to know and hear your thoughts on them!! 😁

Thanks for reading!! Have a great day! 💜💜💜💜

@queen-with-the-quill @tending-the-hearth @mermmarie @lameboobah @tmnt-tychou @indieyuugure @wasted-and-ready @figuringitoutasigoalong @angelicdavinci @zandiiangelspit @jadethest0ne @turtle-babe83

[brokehorrorfan]

4K UHD Review: The Guyver

Following in the wildly successful footsteps of Batman and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Guyver takes a (relatively) grounded approach to its outlandish source material — in this case, a Japanese manga series — without divorcing itself from its comic book roots. Produced by Brian Yuzna (Re-Animator, Society), the 1991 film is directed by special effects wizards Screaming Mad George (Society, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master) and Steve Wang (Predator, The Monster Squad).

As the Star Wars-esque expository opening crawl explains, mankind was created by aliens as an organic weapon. The evil Chronos corporation is further developing a technology that allows humans to change into "super monster soldiers" known as Zoanoids for world domination. The only viable defense against them is The Unit, a piece of bio-booster alien armor that increases a human's natural powers a hundredfold, turning them into The Guyver.

Mark Hamill's top billing may lead you to believe that he's the titular hero, but he instead plays a supporting role as a CIA agent investigating Chronos. The real lead is Jack Armstrong (Student Bodies) as Sean Barker, an amateur martial artist who's the only person that can activate The Unit. When his girlfriend (Vivian Wu, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III) is endangered, Sean utilizes his newfound powers to take down Chronos and the Zoanoids.

Armstrong is a bland lead, but it's not entirely his fault. In addition to a mustachioed Hamill channeling Colombo, he has to compete with several scene-stealing character actors. Re-Animator's David Gale chews the scenery as the malevolent head of Chronos, briefly reuniting with Jeffrey Combs as the company's scientist, Dr. East (get it?). Michael Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes) plays Gale's right-hand Zoanoid with Jimmie Walker (Good Times) as his rapping goon. Linnea Quigley (The Return of the Living Dead) cameos as a scream queen.

But the real stars of the show are the creatures, the designs of which showcase boundless creativity. The Guyver looks like Ultraman by way of Clive Barker, and each Zoanoid adopts a different animal's traits. While a number of other artists were employed to pull off the myriad of monsters, George and Wang's fingerprints are all over the effects, imbuing the alien superhero movie with some disturbing body-horror.

Jon Purdy's script deviates significantly from source material not only in terms of story but also tone. While some of the manga's dark atmosphere and violence remain intact, it's undercut by goofy humor in an attempt to appeal to a younger demographic. Fans of Yoshiki Takaya's original creation were no doubt disappointed (Wang attempted a bit of a course correction with his 1994 sequel, Guyver: Dark Hero), but the tonal confusion is actually charming.

Originally cut down to a PG-13 rating in the US, The Guyver has been newly restored in 4K from the original, R-rated 35mm camera negative with DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 and 2.0 options for Unearthed Films' 4K UHD + Blu-ray release. Far removed from the days of Jaws and Alien in which the monster was largely hidden in shadows, George and Wang put their creations on full display — and even with a crystal-clear restoration, the in-camera effects shine.

Two new audio commentaries are included. The first is a lively one with George and Wang, moderated by Budget Biomorphs: The Making of The Guyver Films author Dom O’Brien. It's not the most informative track — the filmmakers admit to not having seen the film in over two decades — but they're enjoying themselves so much that it hardly matters. The second commentary features creature crew members "Evil" Ted Smith and Wyatt Weed, who delve into the nitty-gritty of the effects.

Yuzna and George each sit down for thorough new interviews. Yuzna reveals that he's been approached about a remake, but the rights are complicated, while George's infectious energy lasts the entire 56 (!) minutes. Creature suit camera test footage is included with commentary options from George and Wang or Smith and Weed, while outtakes and a gag reel feature George and Wang commentary.

Other extras include: alternate title sequences in English, German and Spanish; English, German, Spanish, and French trailers (all carrying the alternate title Mutronics); and extensive promotional and production galleries. The collector's edition also comes with the soundtrack CD composed by Matthew Morse (Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker) and a booklet featuring liner notes by O’Brien and Morse.

The Guyver is available now on 4K UHD via Unearthed Films.

[fabuloustrash05]

My Review of Mutant Mayhem

Warning: SPOILERS

The animation was AMAZING!! From the colors to the facial expressions to the fight choreography, it all looks so good!

It took me a while for me to get used to the Turtles designs and voices but after finally seeing the movie and watching them talk and move, I can say now that I do love them, though I'm still not crazy about Raph's design…

If you know me then you know I'm not too big of a fan of the idea of Splinter not being a human at all, but for this movie it makes sense as to why he was always a rat and never human. Him being a rat from the start and hating humans ties in with the movies message about being accepted and even has a little connection/parallel with the main villain Superfly. I am still kind of upset that Splinter has no connection to Hamato Yoshi (that we know of rn).

Another reason why I don’t like the idea of Splinter never being a human or Hamato Yoshi is because I feel like it takes away the ninja aspect of their story, but the way they explain why they’ve ninjas was actually hilarious. Splinter and the boys learned how to be ninjas through YouTube tutorials, which makes so much sense for this day and age with how many people claim they are experts at something simply because they read or watch something online. 

Leo was my favorite turtle in this movie, I loved his personality/character and how serious but dorky he was. He’s trying so hard, I love his hopeless romantic side, and how he wants to listen to his dad but also have fun with his brothers, so he’s stuck in a tug or war with himself. He was precious and I love him.

Leo having a crush on April actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. His crush on her was genuinely sweet and it wasn't shoved down our throats like in other versions *cough* 2012 & Bayverse *cough* I like that he asks her to prom, which I thought was very cute and a nice ending for Leo.

I'm surprised how quickly they killed off Baxter Stockman, but his "son" Superfly was a really cool villain to take his place. Ice Cube did an amazing job! But I’m not full convinced Stockman is dead. There’s no evidence that he’s still alive but knows. Maybe they’ll pull an 03 Stockman and make come back as a robot in the sequel.

The other mutants were also really fun, but I wish they had more screen time. And truth I felt like they added too many Mutants and I felt like a few of them could've been removed from the film but overall they were a fun cast!

Mondo Gecko and Mikey instantly becoming besties was nice. And I loved Bebop and Rocksteady's Bromance.

Mikey twerking was NOT needed in this film.

I like how the "milking" joke actually came full circle when the turtles were kidnapped by Cynthia.

Splinter vs the TCRI soldiers was my second favorite part of the movie, The animation was so well done in the choreography of the fight was amazing and had great detail.

My overall favorite part was the sequence of the Turtles confronting each one of Superfly’s leads. How the scene would sync up and cut back-and-forth to each brother fighting different gang members. The music during the scene was so well done and the animation with how it tied in with each brother was peak cinema. 

April’s little arc of getting over being camera shy was cool and actually helped save the Turtles and NYC. But the April puking joke went on for too long. The fact they showed it longer than I excepted felt wrong.

I’m happy that Splinter got a girlfriend by the end but please don’t ever show us him making out with Scumbug ever again. *flashbacks to 2012 Raph making out with an ant*

My favorite joke was when the Turtles were like “Eventually Superfly will run out of cars to throw at us, right??” *Superfly turns to see he’s right new to a parking garage* LMFAO XD

There was a lot of modern day references and slang in this movie and a lot of people say this movie is gonna be outdated in 5-10 years but I feel that’s gonna be part of the movies charm. We’ll have to see in 5-10 years…

Superfly’s mutant army (Mondo Gecko, Bebop, Rocksteady, Leatherhead etc) got redeemed way too quick. All it took was one heartfelt speech and suddenly they weren’t down to kill all humans. Like they seemed really excited about it during the bowling scene?? Gave me Shrek 3 vibes. I was confident that Mondo Gecko was gonna change but all of them was unexpected but I’m happy regardless by the end that the Turtles have a bigger family.

I loved the sequence of the people of New York helping the Turtles and their mutant friends stop Superfly. I feel we’ve never seen that done before and in truth, New Yorkers ramming their cars into a giant kaiju Superfly IS something New Yorkers would do! XD

The ending I did not expect, the Turtles actually being excepted by all of New York, and actually getting to go to high school. This was so new and fresh, and I absolutely loved it and I can't wait to see more of it in the TV show and the sequel.

Also there’s a mid credit scene.

It starts off very cute with the Turtles doing high school shenanigans: Mikey in joining improv, Donnie with his “people” (lol), Raph joining the wrestling team, Leo and April starting a conspiracy vlog, and finally them at prom, but then it cuts to Cynthia, who it’s revealed she is secretly watching them. She talks to her second in command about wanting to catch the Turtles and get revenge. She then basically says that she “knows a guy” that can help and it cuts to a shot of someone outside the city….

SHREDDER IS COMING

But sadly no Casey…

[gaypudding]

I just watched Turtles All The Way Down and I have some thoughts (I’m sick rn so if John somehow stumbles across this I’m so sorry for my dehydrated ramblings):

This is a great adaptation of the book. I love John Green’s works and I loved how Turtles took bits from the Anthropocene Reviewed and put little bits in here as well (and I loved the cameo). Yeah I did cry near the end.

As an aspiring filmmaker, part of me thinks that John’s work isn’t translatable to screen because his writing is so verbose and intrinsic. I love reading John’s works because they put my thoughts on paper, but having to watch that play out while also having a narrator and on-screen representations of abstract thoughts feels very on-the-nose for film. However, this isn’t necessarily a fault to the movie, it’s just how John writes (I realize now that calling him John is very informal, but he’s my internet uncle so I’m sorry Mr. Green but that feels weird to call you). ALSO I’m a big believer in making whatever the fuck you want however you want as long as it’s staying true to yourself, your art, and your audience, and I liked the movie so ahhhhhh I’m running out of coherent thoughts.

I haven’t watched Looking for Alaska or Paper Towns because of things I’ve heard about them (ik, a bad reason not to watch something) and because they aren’t my fav of his books. But I loved Turtles and I’m glad that the director put so much care into trying to tell the story the right way. I could also tell that John was a huge part of the filmmaking process.

If anyone has read this far into my exhausted ramblings, then I’ll just say: I liked it 4/5.

P.S I also didn’t like the amount of product placement, I get that you gotta pay for the movie somehow, but product placement in movies ALWAYS rub me the wrong way (especially when they have very strong messages RE: Barbie). I also know that Applebees and the PopTart box is part of the book but shhhhjjjhhhhhh

P.P.S I’ve been a fan of John Green since The Fault in Our Stars was popular. It was my favorite book in 6th grade and I went to see the movie premiere with my mom when it came out. I’ve also been on Tumblr since then. I read Paper Towns and An Abundance of Katherine’s back to back in the same day. John’s work both as an author and as a general human has been a huge part of my life and a huge part of my journey as a creative person. I’m going to graduate college in a semester and I just want to say thank you for helping me and inspiring me through literally half of my life.

[the-masked-reviewer]

The Super Mario Bro. Movie (2023) Review

Potential spoilers ahead...

This movie brought in the various Mario games really well. Some notable references include Luigi's Haunted Mansion while Luigi is in the dark lands, the jungle being all karts, the hat from Odyssey, and the barrels from DK. The fight scene between Mario and DK shows various other gorillas in the background, the rainbow road, and the star power in the final fight as well. There could've been more Yoshi, in my opinion, only showing a Yoshi herd and an egg in the background wasn't nearly enough. They also included aspects of players interacting with the world; such as players driving off rainbow road to gain an advantage, and learning to play the game the same way Mario learns on the practice course Peach shows him.

The animation feels like a combination of video game animation and cinematic animation. The movie's writing does an excellent job of committing to the bit; with the plumbing bit, Bowser's love for Peach, Mario being short, and Luigi being a coward are great examples. On the note of Luigi being a coward, it is clearly only there to make the dark lands/haunted mansion sequence make narrative sense.

The budget for the music in this movie is absolutely crazy and the amount of popular well-known songs on the soundtrack is insane (they could have used some of that money for…actual actors but we're not talking about that yet). During the big party at Bowser's, you can see his kids in the band, so respect the musical talents of the large ass turtles. The song "Peaches" is just as good is I had been lead to believe, and its honestly better than it should be considering what it actually is (Thank you Jack Black, you are a God).

The actual story of the movie was very interesting and manages to appeal to fans of all the different styles of Mario games. The best character in the whole movie is easily the blue star in Bowser's prison, hands down. The ending is clearly setting up for more movies and yet another franchise movie giant.

To top it all off, there's the issue with the casting and vocal performances. They should have just hired actual voice actors, not just actors who had names studio executives felt were big enough to gain attention. Jack Black, however, was fucking amazing. For starters, he did actually have voice acting experience, and Jack Black committed to the bit and was able to be thoroughly convincing in sounding like Bowser. Jack Black was easily the best VO performance in the entire movie, and if he wasn't in it, I'm not sure I'd've been able to finish the movie. Both Chris Pratt and Seth Rogan obviously didn't get the memo about committing to the bit. The beginning of the movie shows us Pratt doing the voice and the accent, but they come up with an excuse to get him to Not commit to the bit and instead he just talks like himself for the rest of the film. Pratt should've committed or just not done it at all. On top of that, you have Rogan saying in an interview that he told the casting department before they got him on board that "if I do it, I'm doing it as me" and after they heard that, they should have just walked away and found someone who would actually play Donkey Kong in way way that would wake the final product what it deserved to be.

[lost-lycaon]

Great Parks of Africa - nature film review

Whether you are considering tourism or seeking understanding about the last great wild places of the world, The Great Parks of Africa is a good place to begin your search. Each episode on the Smithsonian Channel focuses on a single wildlife reserve, each one unique and limitless in beauty. The 11 episode series also cover Kgalagadi Transfrontier and Lower Zambezi Park. 

Table Mountain National Park needs no introduction, holding the great Table that overlooks Cape Town, one of the most beautiful cities on Earth. There is much more to this sprawling park that stretches from the famous plateau, across Kirstenbosch Botanical Garden, down a series of mountains dubbed The Twelve Apostles, along Chapman’s Peak Drive, the finest scenic drive in the world, ending in the Cape Peninsula to the Point of Good Hope. ‘Breathtaking’ scarcely does it justice, as it is merely a word. Swept by the frigid Benguela current, upwelling brings nutrients to the surface and creates some of the most productive and diverse oceans in the world. 

The soil quality of the land, however is poor, the winds constant, and fires frequent. The animals who live here must struggle to survive such harsh conditions, but that adversity has created the Cape Floral Kingdom, more biologically diverse than a rainforest. Wherever you stand in the heath, you are surrounded by a dozens of species of proteas, ericas, and restios. Walk a hundred meters, and you will find an entirely different community. That diversity is echoed all the way across the Fynbos, and few parks equal Table Mountain for such diversity. Take a trip down to the Cape Point, and experience the collision of two oceans, and you will know the power of nature. 

Across the country lies the more tranquil Isimangaliso National Park, a vast area along the KwaZulu-Natal coast dominated by the St Lucia Estuary. The river that flows into this wetland varies in strength, sometimes stopping entirely, allowing the ocean to flow into the estuary, creating a salty lagoon. Few places on earth can rival the sheer diversity of bird life, some of which journey here from Europe to take advantage of the bounty. Leatherback sea turtles also call this place home, and the world’s largest vegetated sand dunes are used by thousands of bird species, crocodiles, and others. The sand is unique, with high levels of titanium, which holds the sun’s heat and that energy fuels the activity of the animals that reside here. 

Hippos are present here in the hundreds, filling the estuary river down toward the ocean. At night they journey on land to graze, sometimes going into the town of St Lucia for window shopping. One resident named Vincent for his ear injury has killed people who ran into him at night. None of the residents take this personally, as Vincent’s ilk made their home in the estuary long before humans. 

The richness of this land is apparent as offshore whales can be seen in season, Humpbacks making the journey to feeding grounds and breaching constantly on the way. Brimming with elephants, antelope, and rhino, various carnivores following them, and the occasional leopard, Isimangaliso is a truly wild land.

Karoo National Park is a far more quiet place, lying far inland across two mountain ranges and receives very little rainfall. Home to true desert specialists, one can find herds of springbok, gemsbok, and the rare Cape Mountain Zebra. The spectacular mountains and rock formations make for astounding hiking, and one is bound to run into ostrich, black-backed jackal, and itinerate eland. There are more tortoise species here than any other reserve. The critically endangered riverine hare can be found here. The real riches of the park can be found by getting down on a knee - the park is a haven for succulent plants such as living stones. The bitter cold of night brings on a crystalline star-filled sky, which is perfect for star viewing. Just to the west is the small town of Sutherland, home of the largest optical telescope in the southern hemisphere. 

The Garden Route chapter covers an embarrassment of riches, as one glides along the southern coast of Africa, battered by the ocean waves. The magnificent De Hoop Nature Reserve begins the trip, which is a treasure of a place that shelters some of the most endangered mammals in the world, including the Bontebok and Cape Mountain Zebra. The Southern Right Whale can be seen along the coast, though is easiest to find in the bay of De Hoop. Further east are the small villages of Witsand, filled with glittering beaches, Stillbaai, Mossel Bay, and George. There are stretches of wilderness between the villages, sheltered forest where the rare Yellowwood tree can still be found. The Cape Floral Kingdom covers most of the remaining undeveloped land. Plettenberg Bay adjacent to an elephant reserve and the Tsitsikamma National Park is an endless paradise. In between is the vacation town of Knysna, at foot of an estuary. Ocean life collides with the riverine forest, filled with pristine beauty. 

Augrabies National Park sits in a remote corner of northwestern South Africa along a length of the Orange River. Covering 28000 hectares, the arid park is home to the Quiver Tree and many desert tolerant species like springbok and gemsbok. Along the vegetated Orange River the Cape Clawless Otter and Caracal can be sighted. The true draw of the park is one of the planet’s great waterfalls, the Augrabies, cascading 60 meters in height into a granite basin that runs 240 meters deep. 

Kruger’s Pafuri Camp lies in the remote northern section of the Kruger National Park, and has a storied history as an outlaw region. More recently during Apartheid the Makuleke people were forced off the land into a barren region, only later negotiating a return after the first democratic elections. The Makuleke decided not to return, but to keep the land for conservation and staff the park. Today the Pafuri holds 75% of the Kruger’s biodiversity, including the Big Five seen throughout the park, but is best known for having the finest birding in the country. Over 350 species can be seen here on many safari walking trails. 

Chobe: Land of Learning covers the National Park of Botswana bordered by the Chobe River, one of the best places to see elephants. The dirt roads and occasional rustic buildings are the only sign humanity even exists, as Chobe is a true wilderness. Elephants herd here in vast numbers, at least 50000 at present. Lions, African Painted Dogs, spotted hyena, cheetah, rhino… a seemingly limitless array of mammals make this park their home. With the languid river, waterbirds such as spoonbills, ibis, storks, ducks, and other waterfowl are common. 

Part of this park is the Savuti marsh, the relic of a vast inland lake that has since dried up after the geologic plate on which Botswana sits migrated. The carnivores that patrol this area have been the stuff of legends. 

Addo Elephant National Park is the third largest game reserve in South Africa, lying next to Algoa Bay. It is best known for its great elephant herds, but also holds lions, buffalo, leopards, rhinos, and at the coast Southern Right Whales and Great White Sharks. It is also a stronghold for black rhinos, though they tend to avoid people and stay in dense thickets. Spotted hyena are common, African Painted Dogs less so. The star of the park is, of course, the African Elephant, in all its tree engineering glory. Seen with these elephants are enormous amounts of elephant dung, which is in turn processed by a very healthy population of dung beetles. Drive slow - dung beetles have the right of way. Algoa Bay also has one of the few remaining colonies of the critically endangered African Penguin. 

Hluhluwe-Umfolozi, located in KwaZulu-Natal, is a nature reserve of great historical importance. Established in 1895, it is the oldest wildlife reserve in South Africa and pioneered animal capture and sustainable utilization in wildlife conservation. At a time when the rhinoceros was being hunted to extinction, the park was a haven. Even today the white rhino has been exterminated from nearly all of its native territory. Today the park has been a true success story for many species struggling elsewhere. Elephants proliferate across the park, to the point where there are too many for the area given their penchant for uprooting trees. This would not be a problem if the elephants could migrate elsewhere, but the park is hemmed in on all sides by humans. Black rhino numbers have done as well as their white relatives, though they are still quite vulnerable. African Painted Dogs normally struggle to establish a foothold within a reserve in competition with lions and against the hostility of people. At Hluhluwe-Umfolozi, the packs have done a brisk business, hunting with wild success and breeding prodigiously enough to create emigration pressure which is released by the Wild Dog Metapopulation project. The genetic variability has been critical to maintaining Painted Dog viability elsewhere in the southern African region. 

If you are looking for tourism options, you would do well to visit Hluhluwe-Umfolozi park, combined with the Isimangaliso Park located across the N2 to the east.  

[rookie-critic]

Barbie (2023, dir. Greta Gerwig) - review by Rookie-Critic

[NOTE: This ended up being a bit more spoiler-y than I had originally intended, so if you haven't seen the film and plan to, maybe skip this review for now.]

What a revolution this movie has caused. Waves of pink, hoards of men/women/people adopting "I am Kenough" as a mantra, the Indigo Girls are back in fashion, and I have no doubt that, come the beginning of the university school year, we'll see frat after frat moving into their new Mojo Dojo Casa Houses. This film had already won the country over well before it even came out, and now that it is we're now in the third consecutive weekend of Barbie sitting comfortably atop the box office throne. Those ninja turtles never stood a chance (though I did adore that film, as well, but that's for another review). I must admit, I am apart of the wave of people singing this film's praises. It's visually striking, it's hilarious, the messaging is overt and in-your-face without being preachy, and we're seeing Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling at the top of their game.

When we start the film, we're greeted with a nod to the opening sequence of Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey, and to the voice of Helen Mirren explaining to us that, once Barbie came along and squashed out the era of baby dolls, her existence solved sexism and female quality issues for good, because Barbie proved that women can be anything. Of course, this is not the case, and the film uses it's next hour and 45 minutes diving into the reality of the modern world through the eyes of one of those dolls. The perfect, pink-streaked world of Barbieland lies in stark contrast to the harsh realities of the real world, and our two main characters react to this knowledge in very different ways. First, we have Barbie, who reacts with bewilderment and disbelief at the idea that everything she thought she knew about the world and women's place in it was a lie, but then, there's Ken. Ken, having lived his whole in the perceived service of Barbie, is stoked, because of course he would be. Men (and horses) rule the world, of course.

Now, going down this path, it would have been very easy for the film to be very blanketly "anti-men," but it even manages to avoid doing that, instead choosing to go down the path that Ken is misguided, merely a person who's never really tried to live life for himself and more for the idea of what he should be. In that the film draws a surprising amount of parallels between the two main characters, because even Barbie goes on a self-discovery journey of sorts. She has to come to terms with the black-and-whiteness of her worldview, and has to reconcile with the idea of there being things like cellulite and aging, and has to come to terms with the fact that the world has a good fair way to go before it's as utopian as a place like Barbieland. This is all accented in a scene that's relatively early in the film when Barbie meets an older woman for the first time upon coming to the real world. Barbie has just cried for the first time and looks over to find an elderly woman sitting on the bench next to here. The woman gives Barbie a smile and Barbie tells her she's beautiful, to which she replies "I know!" It's kind of the pin on which the whole film balances. Then there's also the character of Allan (played with as much endearing awkwardness as you'd expect from Michael Cera) who, even when all of the Ken's go off the deep-end into a Matchbox Twenty, leather-clad nightmare, keeps his head, and understands the bad things about what the Kens are doing.

It's a very deep film that is presenting itself as a colorful comedy, it's thoughtful without being obtuse and critical of its source without being dismissive, and it manages to do all of this without sacrificing being a very lighthearted and entertaining film on the surface. It's all very impressive, and is only hindered by the small nitpick that, for a film focusing on how our preconceived notions of things need to be knocked down and we should all live for ourselves and be whoever we really are, it is strangely reinforcing of the gender binary. I would have liked to have seen the film explore that side of things a bit, but it didn't detract too much from the overall experience. Crybabies like Ben Shapiro be damned, Barbie is delightful, and just as good as you've been led to believe.

Score: 9/10

Currently only in theaters.

[liugeaux]

Repost Vol. 59: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - A Movie Review

Oh boy, a new TMNT movie is coming out next week! To celebrate, let’s take a look at my review from the last time Paramount launched a TMNT movie series. Time hasn’t been kind to this film, and I’m happy to say its sequel was higher quality, but I’m even happier to say this iteration died very quickly. Here’s to hoping Mutant Mayhem is a better reboot.  

Cheers!

Originally shared via realitybreached.com on August 8, 2014.

For better or worse there’s a new Ninja Turtles movie in theaters. Its the first release since 2007 and the first live action release since 1993. The Turtles have a VERY mixed history when it comes to films. The first movie gets universal praise, but everything after it is hit or miss. I really dug 2007’s “TMNT”, but that’s not the movie we are talking about here. Sigh, let’s just get this review out of the way, so we can move onto bigger better things.

No movie this year went through as much scrutiny as the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Even I, the self-proclaimed biggest TMNT fan in the known universe, was hyper-critical of the entire film making process. Not only did I dedicate an entire post on my personal blog to the production of the movie, but an entire episode of the Reality Breached podcast was dedicated to destroying the film…pre-release.

Needless to say, I wasn’t expecting much. I went in cautiously optimistic, but in the end there’s alot of stuff wrong with that movie…too much. Let’s start with the good, why not? One thing the turtles have always been good at is humor, and this film hits that nail hard. Hands down some of the funniest stuff ever seen in the series comes directly out of Michelangelo mouth here. Pair that with well placed “Raph is angry jokes”, Will Arnett being Will Arnett, and an absolutely hilarious elevator sequence, if you don’t laugh you might actually have a broken soul. Also, for the most part the cast was good, Arnett was a highlight and Fichtner played bad-guy really well despite having a half-assed script from which to work. The biggest casting surprise was Megan Fox. Sure she played April a bit too ditsy, and her constantly pouty lips were out of place most of the time, but Fox didn’t under or over play her part. In fact, she almost fit the role. She was enough eye candy to make you not hate that she was on screen, and she wasn’t too damsel in distressy. Amazingly, of all the things that broke this movie, Megan Fox was not one of them.

The action was also pretty decent, there’s an exciting Splinter/Shredder fight, and the turtles get really physical with the foot clan. The much shown downhill snow fight is the highlight of all of the visuals, though. Its as ludicrous as it is flashy, but in a movie starring 4 talking mutant turtles it works well. This is gonna get a bit spoilery, but the fears of many fans were quickly put to rest as the characters got introduced. Despite being marketed as “the Shredder” Fichtner is quickly revealed to be a new character (Eric Sachs) and the Shredder is seen very early being Asian and very classicly Shreddery. I’ll need to watch the movie again, but that could be something was added or changed at the last minute during the infamous reshoots. Nevertheless, the changes made to the origin are much more similar to the changes seen in the current IDW comic series than any other version of the story. While not ideal, the origin didn’t offend me until giant inconsistencies popped up mid-story, but again, of all the things that broke this movie, the origin was not one of them.

Fun is to be had while watching the movie, and if you can COMPLETELY detach yourself from both your brain, your concept of proper story structure, and wear huge plothole blinders, you may really in enjoy it. And by enjoy it, I mean the way you enjoy terrible B movies starring retired wrestlers that come on the USA network. With all these good not terrible things in the movie, all the writers had to do was glue everything together with a consistent and coherent story. That’s the part that Liebesman and company get tragically wrong, the part where the movie has to actually be a movie.

I’ve spoken at length about how much I dislike the designs of the turtles in this film. That has not changed. Obviously the production design team decided that since zero script time would be spent developing the turtles as characters that they needed to communicate their individual characteristics through the gaudy nonsensical clothing each turtle was wearing. You tell me where on earth would you find a pair of sunglasses that would perfectly fit a head the size of a watermelon, like, a BIG watermelon. To communicate Donny is the smart one they loaded him down with the biggest stereotypically techy back-pack they could animate and even went as far as giving him coke bottle eye glasses. Donatello’s portrayal of smart or nerdy people in this film is almost as bad a The Big Bang Theory. The only two turtles with significant screen time and lines of dialog are Raphael and Michelangelo. Leo and Donny are just window dressing on the movie’s concept of Mutant Turtles. Dumb!

The Foot Clan’s motivations for their actions simply don’t make sense. Again, spoilers, but the idea is for Eric Sachs, to release a flesh eating disease on the city of New York and blame it on the Foot Clan. He would then sell the antidote to this disease to the city and make billions of dollars. Let’s not deconstruct the fact that Sachs is already an extremely wealthy man that owns multiple companies and has enough money to do whatever he wants. Instead let’s look at the deal the Foot have in place with Sachs. While Sachs gets money from the con, the Foot supposedly get power. Releasing the disease, and selling the cure doesn’t give the foot clan power it just kills people. Once the antidote is spread, things return to normal, and the foot clan have an even bigger target on their head. That’s not a deal, that’s being a scapegoat. Dumb!

15 years ago, Splinter and the turtles were created in a lab by Sachs with mutagen containing a cell regenerating agent that could make him tons of money. This means that Splinter, a normal rat, was never exposed to the art of Ninjutsu, something so crucial to the framework of the origin story, that Ninja is in the name of the characters. Splinter being trained in or even being exposed to Ninjutsu was not-so cleverly replaced with Splinter conveniently finding a book in the sewer that explains exactly what Ninjutsu is, with detailed pictures. Splinter is now a self-taught Ninja master, that within 15 years, learned the art, and trained his sons to use it. That screams of a writers room stuck trying to figure out a way to write themselves out of a hole. “Screw it, let’s just say he found a book, ninjas can teach themselves right?” Dumb!

Every scene in the movie is seemingly held together with thinly veiled plot devices duct tape. How does Sachs find the turtles? The business card he gave April just so happens to be a tracking device. How do the turtles get from Sachs home to the tower they need to protect? The snow hill scene, just so happens to be a short cut directly to it. Oh no 3, of the Turtles are captured, and their blood is being drained. How are Raph, April and Vernon going to save them? The tanks they are in just so happen to also have a massive amount of adrenaline on tap to inject directly into the captive turtles. It sure was convenient there was so much adrenaline available because they sure did need it in the fight scene immediately following the injection. Let’s just discard the idea that 3 of the turtles just had what seemed like gallons of blood drained from them. I’m sure they were good to fight a giant robot ninja master. Dumb!

Unexplained explosions, physics defying iron girders, slow-moving gravity, bullet-proof soft underbellies, virtually unguarded captured mutant turtles, a paper-thin plot, Tony Shalhoub as Splinter, this movie has so…many…problems. Its unfocused, poorly executed, badly written, and painfully predictable. Everything bad about this movie can be summed up in one quote from the movie itself. “Drain them of all their blood, even if it kills them!” Yes folks, that’s what we are dealing with here, a primary villain, who also happens to be a scientist, that is unsure of what will happen if you drain a reptile of “all their blood”. Dumb!

With all of that said, I’m not going to say don’t go see it. Its fun, it clearly doesn’t take itself too seriously and like the Transformers movies, it will have you smiling really big at several parts. The classic turtles references are few and far between, but they hit pretty hard and one thing they got right was the four turtles sense of family. That sense is only present for like 20-30 seconds of the movie but its there and kinda touching. TMNT’s flashy visuals and non-stop action will keep your attention, but beneath the shiny veneer is a cobbled together shell of a movie (pun intended). The worst part is that if it ends up making bunches of movie, which it will, these god-awful turtles designs will start to appear in the other forms of the characters. The Nick show might get all brooding and the TMNT will start to wear dumb-ass clothes, or the comics will abandon actual art and just let the 12 year olds that designed these giant hunks of disgusting start drawing the panels. On second thought, don’t go see this movie, only bad things could come of it.

Verdict: Don’t just don’t, I can’t even being to…no, just stop…wait…yeah, just go watch Guardians of the Galaxy.

[stuff-diary]

Turtles All the Way Down

Movies watched in 2024

Turtles All the Way Down (2024, USA)

Director: Hannah Marks

Writers: Elizabeth Berger & Isaac Aptaker (based on the novel by John Green)

Mini-review:

Oof, I have very mixed feelings about this movie. Its portrayal of anxiety, OCD and spiraling intrusive thoughts is very acute and I related to the character so much through every step of the way. Unfortunately, a good chunk of the film is spent on a romance I didn't vibe with. It's not like it was toxic or anything bad, not at all. It was just... so boring. I didn't feel any spark at all. The first and final acts are strong enough to survive that romance, and Hannah Marks made some very interesting stylistc and directorial choices that I loved, but I just wished Turtles All the Way Down's entire focus had been Aza, her struggles with mental health and her friendship with Daisy.

[listieshadows]

Listie says something about every movie she added to her spreadsheet in August 2023

So, like, as only the second entry in this series, and from such a new account on top of that, I doubt anyone's really wondering why it took so long for this to come out. And, well, the answer is really short and simple—I took my advice from the first entry and got a Letterboxd account.

I guess I'll be posting all of my thoughts about the new films I add to my spreadsheet there, then. But since I already had a majority of this post typed up, I may as well go ahead and finish it off. Send it off proper, y'know?

Transformers (2007)

Date watched: 2023-08-02

And here's me continuing to watch the Transformers movies after seeing the original 80's film back in July. 'Cuz, I mean, with how far removed that one is from the rest of the films...

But anyway, Michael Bay's Transformers! It's honestly not as bad as the Bay hate train I was on in, like, 2017 made it seem. Like, I still think the design of the Transformers is a little too complicated, but whatever. I got used to it.

In hindsight, Bumblebee pissing on a guy isn't even in the top 10 dumbest moments in this series. "I ate the whole plate" still remains an iconic moment, though—thanks, Lindsay.

Cocktail (1988)

Date watched: 2023-08-04

Patrick (H) Wilson said in his Letterboxd review of the film that it takes a turn the moment it gets to Jamaica. I think it turns a little earlier than that, 'cuz lemme tell you, the slight whiplash I had going from a dramatic scene to the opening bars of gawddamn "Kokomo"...!

I'unno, it's just damn something to me to see the dramatic beats in this movie and consider that I knew it best for launching songs like "Don't Worry, Be Happy".

Hardcore Henry (2015)

Date watched: 2023-08-07

See, this is a film I actually already had on my spreadsheet, but not the part that counts. So here it is now.

I get why people don't like this film. I do, honestly. But, gawd, to me, it's just fun. Dumb, fun and damn unique. I ain't never seen another movie like this—and maybe that's a good thing, 'cuz if I had motion sickness it would've taken me way longer to watch this thing with all the breaks I would've need to take, I swear.

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (2009)

Date watched: 2023-08-07

This is one of the three Transformers movies I saw in theaters back when they came out, and literally the only things I remembered about this movie before watching it again were Megan Fox's boobs bouncing in slow motion in the climax and the line "I AM DIRECTLY BENEATH THE ENEMY SCROTUM." And, I mean, there was other stuff, too, but I honestly thought a lot of it happened in the next one, like the panty shot of that one girl who turns out to be a Decepticon.

And it's funny that those are among the only things I remembered this movie, 'cuz I did not have as much horny brain back then as I do now, so for those to be the things that stuck out in my mind...

Oh, and of course Megan Fox on the bike—which I thought was how she was introduced last movie, so maybe these movies jus' all kinda blend together for me.

Any case, it's not the worst thing, either. A step down from the first, sure, but compared to how things are gonna go, this is like a stairstep compared to going off a cliff.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem (2023)

Date watched: 2023-08-09

It's a good flick, but if this is really how the teens of today talk, then, gawd, I already felt a million years older than the current generation, so this doesn't help at all.

But at least I got to experience to rush of hearing SLACKCiRCUS's cover of "What's Up?" playing on the big screen in a room full of people who haven't spent as much time online as I have. That was damn magical, right there.

Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (2011)

Date watched: 2023-08-10

Before this movie, everything I thought I remembered about this movie was from the previous movie, like the ass/panty shot to introduce the replacement for Megan Fox. And after watching this movie, realizing that this is where that happens is really the only thing I gained.

Well, I did get to see Optimus Prime merciless kill Leonard Nimoy-bot begging for his life. That was funny.

Phineas And Ferb The Movie: Candace Against The Universe (2020)

Date watched: 2023-08-11

It took me so long to watch this movie because I didn't wanna watch it until after I finished Milo Murphy's Law, which I didn't wanna watch until I finished Phineas And Ferb, which only took me so damn long to finish because I was lazy, and then when I did finish Milo Murphy's Law it took me so long to watch this because by that point it was Fall and I didn't wanna watch this until it was Summer again, and so here I watched it exactly one year after I watched Phineas And Ferb The Movie: Across The 2nd Dimension.

And all that run-on sentence just to say, "Damn, they still got it. And it's jus' damn fun to see these characters again, too."

Also, I don't know how much I entirely buy the head canon I saw that Vanessa is a lesbian, but I like the idea, so I'll accept it anyway.

Transformers: Age Of Extinction (2014)

Date watched: 2023-08-13

I remember when I saw this movie in theaters with my family, I was joking with some stranger beforehand that this was gonna be the start of the "Mark Wahlberg trilogy" after the Shia LeBouf one had come to its end.

Imagine my surprise, then, when the movie ends how it does.

Also, RIP T.J. Miller, and heck on that one "Romeo & Juliet law" guy. I can't believe I had to look up Texas state penal code. Gawddamn.

Dreamgirls (2006)

Date watched: 2023-08-16

I came from Eddie Murphy, stayed because it was real good, and spent a lot of time in-between stuck on the thought that we're supposed to think that Beyoncé isn't a good singer.

Transformers: The Last Knight (2017)

Date watched: 2023-08-17

I don't like to get mad at movies, 'cuz I'm still real regretful of the days when Douglas "Funnyman" Walker was the single biggest influence on how I discussed film, but, gawd, this one jus' kind of overwhelmed me with nonsense to the point where I did.

Remember way back at the top, when I said that Bumblebee pissing on a guy wouldn't even be in the top 10 dumbest moments? I think this movie contains most of them, if not all ten. I mean, this is a movie that starts with drunk Merlin and digs deeper rapidly from there.

Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves (1997)

Date watched: 2023-08-18

I watched this ahead of the podcast Escape From Vault Disney, so allow me to present my answer for the "what's the attraction?" segment.

As a new method of transport, one of the Disney parks is gonna install a huge bubble machine, where you can hop in and get blown around to a different land at random. And there's only a 10% chance you'll get dropped in a bowl of chip dip and hafta avoid getting vored by giant teen-age girls.

Alternatively, the damn tiki statue gets installed looming over the castle like it's Chicken Little.

Bumblebee (2018)

Date watched: 2023-08-21

Honestly, the best Transformers movie. And I'm not just saying that because it references ALF twice. It's very charming, not even despite, but because it's a largely cliché take on "kid makes friend with a beast" movies, especially the ones that came out in the 80's.

Like ALF.

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Date watched: 2023-08-22

Look, as an adaptation of the games, yeah, it's dogshit. But making the near impossible attempt to put that aside, it's not that bad. Not, y'know, great, but I think this film's badness is blown way out of proportion. Even if a lot of it doesn't 100% work, I feel like I gotta give it some credit for trying to put its own cinematic spin on what are pretty non-cinematic games.

And seriously, I was not prepared for when the Twin Towers started decaying.

Sonic The Hedgehog (2020)

Date watched: 2023-08-24

Y'know, I've eaten at Olive Garden before, but it was so long ago that I can't remember how any of it actually tasted. I just remember that the game I was playing on my DS before and afterwards was New Super Mario Bros..

Anyway, this is a movie about the fastest thing alive where he spends, like, a third of the movie's runtime in a truck passenger seat, and also he has the same voice as Dewey Duck. Some people say this is better than Birds Of Prey? Man, it's fine, but calm the hell down.

Sonic The Hedgehog 2 (2022)

Date watched: 2023-08-25

Yeah, this is the better movie of the two. Since all of the introductions out of the way, it allows for so many more elements of the games to be included, and naturally it makes it feel way more like a Sonic movie than the first's whole "family road trip movie" vibe.

And all the credit to Jim Carrey, really. I wish he'd gotten to wear a fat suit like he wanted, but seriously, if you were gonna have anybody playing against anthropomorphic cartoon animals, you may as well get one of the most cartoonish men alive. Even if I did end up variously hearing a lot of Count Olaf or The Grinch in his performance.

Anyway, see y'all in Sonic The Hedgehog 3 when we finally get to see the big screen debut of what is clearly and obviously Sonic.EXE~.

Transformers: Rise Of The Beasts (2023)

Date watched: 2023-08-25

A preface: during the scene before the credits rolled, I came up with two jokes I wanted to say to my friends to refer to the "secret military force" or whatever that was being talked about. I decided to go with the second and say "G.U.N" since it was a runner for me that the film that the main character and his little brother would refer to themselves as Sonic and Tails.

Now, look, up until this movie's climax, I was willing to call it the second best of the modern Transformers films. Yes, even with the presence of Pete Davidson, and with how most of the Maximals end up superfluous, and with how the villains turn into absolute cardboard during the climax, which just largely consists of CGi flopping around on a dull, grey landscape. I liked the first two acts a lot, and I felt the material there was a lot stronger than a lot of the Bay films.

But then imagine how much worse this movie got for me when it turned out the first joke I thought of that I didn't go with because I thought it'd be too obvious turned out to be true and that it was actually G.I. Joe.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023)

Date watched: 2023-08-26

Sure, it might be Illumination's best movie, but for me it still just largely amounts to someone jangling a keyring of Mario-branded baubles in my face for 90 minutes.

Mortal Kombat (1995)

Date watched: 2023-08-28

As I'm writing this, it's been a month since I saw this movie, and I'm only now getting around to writing about it so I can post this. At this point, I don't really remember much about it, which you can also blame on the fact that I was really tired for some reason the first time I sat down to watch it. Seriously, I had to stop and pick it up later, and I have no idea why.

I'll say this much about this movie—I was probably being too hard on it when I watched it. Like, I was stuck on this mentality that, "Oh, this is a famously bad movie. Not as much as its sequel, of course, but it's not good, and I should probably just view it that way." And I regret that. These days I try so hard to has little bias as possible going into movies, so I don't know what I was thinking acting like that.

It's an enjoyable movie. It really is. Whatever it gets wrong about the games, it's not so egregious that it destroys the movie. Honestly, I'd rather it get a couple of things wrong than be so committed to being faithful to the games that it forgets to do anything else all that well. Lookin' at you again, The Super Mario Bros. Movie. So, whatever. I can live with it.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, probably less so, but I'll see what I think if I ever watch it.

And also, of course the soundtrack CD by The Immortals that scores part of this movie is amazing. "OOOOHHH, CHINESE NINJA WARRIOR, SUB-ZEROOOO, WITH YOUR HEART SO COLD....!"