#Those Tears That No One Ever Sees

[coconut530]

[beeduoo]

originnssssss who remembers origins i Loved origins

[quarks-pussy]

So I know we here at Startrekfandom love that "came back wrong but from the pov of the wrong" thing and apply it to many different characters and canon situations and I am far from trying to complain about it (I'm "came out wrong" trope myself so I was always gonna obsess over it) but having recently watched a very important episode (you'll know which one) for the first time I think there's a character who hits both tropes mentioned but llike, intertwined, opposite and subverted, and whom I wanna talk about.

Julian Bashir.

From his parents' pov he's "came out wrong but we got him help and he came back better" while from his own pov it's "came out 'insufficient', was destroyed for it, came back wrong and only later slowly came to terms with his new self tho never the process (justifiably so)" and it's heartbreaking because in a way, he's right! Jules Bashir died! His parents had an intellectually disabled child and decided to eugenics him! Julian is not the person he used to be and while I do love the person he is now, that doesn't bring back who he was! Part of me wishes we could've gotten to see Jules at least once and part of me hopes we never do because my heart would shatter.

This isn't a good comparison but nonetheless one I can't help drawing: it's giving similar vibes to anti-vaxxers. "I'd rather risk having a child who is dead than one who's autistic". Obviously this doesn't map over since Julian is still autistic and the procedure his parents subjected him to specifically targeted his intellectual disability and if any folks with id wanna comment on this I definitely recommend you listen to them over me, but it's a similarity I, as an autistic who has encountered anti-vaxxers again and again, can't help but point out. "Give me a normal child or give them death."

This may have been written about already but there needs to be stories about teenage Julian (after finding out and rediscovering who he was) practicing some good ol' recognition of the self through media. I need to hear about how he would encounter a story about someone who came back wrong (I'm gonna assume there's plenty of "wrong" pov stories floating around by the 24th century) and absolutely weep. I need to see Julian mourning Jules, taking years and years to process his feelings, experiencing guilt about how he, the imposter, didn't deserve to live Jules' life.

Came back wrong from the returned's pov but it wasn't an accident. It was done to you deliberately by the people who claim to love you. And now you are here, piloting the corpse of your predecessor.

Jules Bashir is dead. Long live Julian Bashir.

[theflyingfeeling]

...😭

[m0e-ru]

lets think of everyone who had persona blogs and obliterated them off the face of the earth instead of just archiving and keep them in our thoughts tonight. everyone else who directly caused them into doing that go and fucking behave

[samthecookielord]

Days without thinking so hard about how little we know about who clive actually is: 0

[flowercrowngods]

i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts

[agent37]

fun fact! this was both the last thing i made in 2022 and the first thing i made in 2023!

inspired by the video ever :3 rendog miku drop pop candy post frfr

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[moinsbienquekaworu]

The struggle between being happy that all kinds of aspecs are talking about aspec experiences more and barely being able to stand the way people talk about aspec experiences

[fabdante]

I was tagged by @thevampireauthoress (love u also) to share five songs I've been listening to lately (and I'm not going to put any Nirvana in it I promise)!

I scrounged by top songs of the month though I just kinda put one of my big playlists on shuffle when I'm at work these days and listen to whatever it gives me.

Creatures in Heaven by Glass Animals

Earth Death by Baths

Pg. 4 A Picture of Three Hedges by Julie

Wolf Like Me by TV on Radio

Free (One Day) by Narcy

Tagging: @derkem @destroyyaa @bigsister-watches @cainite-bite @ro-blaze @mocosa-media @neighborhoodlum and whomever else wants to do this!! (i love to see new songs so pls share!)

[sourtaste]

   ✽   ˖*    𓂃     frigid   winds   roaring   outdoors   nip   incessantly   at   any   sliver   of   skin   it   can   find   leaving   a   crimson   tincture   in   its   wake.   he   sits   perched   upon   granite   steps   unmoving   as   if   one   were   a   gargoyle   ornately   carved   into   gothic   architecture,   feline   -   like   hues   observe   last   throng   of   individuals   whose   names   adorned   strictly   upheld   guest   list   disappear   into   bright   yellow   taxis   and   luxury   vehicles   driven   by   personal   chauffeurs.   the   way   in   which   presence   is   disregarded   for   chatter   amongst   peers   about   market   stocks   or   impromptu   trips   to   sicily   does   not   go   unnoticed.   in   fact,   events   that   transpired   in   convention   center   proved   he   had   no   place   in   this   world   of   wealth,   splendor,   and   influence.   to   all   who   resided   within   it,   he   would   remain   an   outsider   —   a   trespasser   who   got   his   place   at   the   table   due   to   ambiguous   familial   connections   with   one   of   the   prosperous   names   in   new   york   city.   flutter   of   peach   in   his   peripheral   makes   his   head   turn,   though   he   wishes   he   ignored   newcomer   the   second   their   eyes   briefly   meet   before   returning   to   prior   position.   ❛   what   are   you   doing   out    here   ?   ❜   inquiry   hot,   nearly   scolding,   on   his   tongue   as   it   drifts   into   the   chilled   atmosphere.   he   doesn't   truly   wish   to   know   the   reasoning   behind   counterpart's   arrival,   but   one   has   hope   bubbling   somewhere   in   depths   of   chest   curtness   serves   as   a   warning.   a   flashing   sign   discouraging   other   from   continuing   approach.   ❛   you   should   go   back   inside.   ❜ @achingblushes

[lieutenantselnia]

Internet archive I love you❤️❤️❤️

[wolfisland]

dont get me wrong. i am absolutely a problem, often. im very cutting and blunt a lot of the time. people tend to find it funny til they realise i am deadly fucking serious. i definitely have anger issues. im a "i forgive you but i wont forget this" type. but i dont think im unkind, genuinely. i think it was just jarring for a lot of shitty people in my life when i stopped letting them treat me like shit. which makes sense, i just disrupted the fuckhead routine of like 6 white autistics. woe are they. but really honest god gun to my head i cant bring myself to feel bad about it. half of those friendships made me feel like shit about myself anyways.

[keeps-ache]

thinking of fairies that look like ferret + mourning doves. uh huh yep :>

[imabiscuitinthousandworlds]

the bad thing about getting insta and following that one band i got to know and love is that they keeP POSTING ABT CONCERTS THEY PLAY TOGETHER WITH BANDS THAT LITERALLY DEFINED ME AS A PERSON AND A PUNK THOSE ARE LITERALLY BOTH TWO OF THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT PUNK BANDS TO ME ASIDE FROM ONE THAT JUST DISBANDED AND THEM WHO PULLED US ON THE FUCKING STAGE I AM GOING TO SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP I WOULD LITERALLY KILL TO BE THERE WHAT HAVE I DONE TO ANGER THE GODS THAT I MIGHT DESERVE A PUNISHMENT AS CRUEL AS THIS ONE