#This also gives me New year's Eve vibes :3

[wonbriiize]

and with this i wish you all a happy new year <3

new year’s eve; riize

headcanons about how the riize members would spend new year’s eve with you…

「 ✦ shotaro ✦ 」

shotaro is the type of person who is excited about the start of the new year, and he can't believe he gets to do it with you. he keeps telling you all day how excited he is to go out later and watch the fireworks with you. he‘s already picturing how he'll kiss you when the clock strikes 12 a.m. for him, the fact that he starts the first second of the new year with you is already proof enough that the year will be amazing.

「 ✦ eunseok ✦ 」

i feel like eunseok would rather take it slow on new year’s eve. he would much rather cuddle with you while you two watch a comforting movie at home than worry about the fireworks and everything else that goes along with it. however, he would not hesitate to turn around and give you a passionate kiss as soon as the clock reaches midnight, followed by a whispered ‘happy new year, my love.’

「 ✦ sungchan ✦ 」

to be honest, i feel like sungchan would make you sit and write down new year’s resolutions or even visionboards. it’s not because he wants to annoy you, it’s because he wants to motivate you and keep up a good energy from the beginning on. he wants to see what you will write and how he can help you with it. for him, the new year means it‘s another year for the two of you to become the best versions of yourselves, individually and together.

「 ✦ wonbin ✦ 」

wonbin lowkey gives me the same vibes as eunseok, i don’t think he’d do something big on new year’s eve. but he wouldn’t just sit at home either. he would take you out on a walk at midnight so the two of you can watch the fireworks together. wonbin would gently grasp your hands and comfort you, telling you that although this year has come to an end, there are still many more that you two will spend together.

「 ✦ seunghan ✦ 」

seunghan is also a very festive guy, so new year‘s eve is pretty exciting for him too. he‘s the type to buy lots of fireworks himself and invite his closest friends over so you all can spend the night together. as soon as midnight strikes, all of you would go out and launch the firework. every time it lights up, seunghan would look over to you, wishing that your life would shine as brightly as the fireworks, with him as a part of it.

「 ✦ sohee ✦ 」

sohee would want you guys to do something lighthearted as well, but it should still be fun. his idea for the perfect new year’s eve date is: karaoke night. the two of you are singing your souls out until you’re about to lose your voices, laughing and enjoying each others company. once it’s midnight, sohee would dedicate a song to you and end it with a passionate kiss. for him, nothing beats singing a great song to kick off the new year, especially if it's you he's singing it to.

「 ✦ anton ✦ 」

anton would definitely buy fireworks and other items so the two of you can launch it together. although he usually likes quieter atmospheres better, new year’s eve is the exception; it always makes him hyped. he loves whenever you’re stunned by him holding up the firework candle (?) and how your eyes light up everytime these large ‘stars’ shoot out. at midnight, he pulls you in a side hug while watching the fireworks and tells you; ‘the best way to start the new year is with you by my side.’

[thewertsearch]

Mega-Giga Ask Comp: Part 3

@manorinthewoods asked: I'll be honest, I wrote the Locked Tomb ask having not read the Locked Tomb series. I literally only know the starting and ending strokes of the first book. That being said, I do like the half-soul-Sollux idea, and it works pretty well with the Locked Tomb's general theme of Lyctorhood, and how knotted the whole situation with Alecto, Gideon, and Harrow ends up being. (What is even going on with Nona) ~LOSS (4/13/24) @manorinthewoods asked: You know, if you hadn't already read Gideon the Ninth, I'd have recommended it as a good second liveblog. It really does fit your preferred sort of mystery. From all the clues presented, you could probably hit very close to the ultimate solution to the Lyctoral puzzle - as close as anybody could be expected to get. ~LOSS (25/4/24) @manorinthewoods asked: The Locked Tomb's prose is pretty good. On occasion, it happens to chime with a sound of 'Homestuck', but I only recall that twice so far in my reading. I like the skelebook. ~LOSS (27/4/24)

Once again, I'm glad my hidden agenda - convincing this blog's entire readership to check out The Locked Tomb - is bearing fruit.

I agree! TLT does occasionally give Homestuck vibes, presumably because its author is a fan. For the most part, though, its prose style is all its own.

Anonymous asked: Reference to American culture: the sphere of Jade's home dropping and the timer that preceded it are references to the Times Square Ball, an annual event held every New Year's Eve. A giant ball descends down a pole at 11:59 PM and reaches the bottom at 12:00 AM, January 1. I believe that you can figure out why the reference was included in the first place. Anonymous asked: btw the gamzee page was released on new years. ‘the miracle of a new beginning’ is the new year and the lab dropping is supposed to be a reference to the ball dropping in times square

Some America Lore here that I wasn't aware of.

I was wondering exactly what Gamzee meant by 'a new beginning'. Maybe Alternia practices the tradition as well.

@omnilew asked: the way you speculate and go indepth into sburbs features and how it affects the kids, made a silly headcanon that your kidsona is reading the comic while playing out their session though this is mainly because "Eventually, we were bound to cross a couple of wires that should never have been allowed to touch" kinda references chargerkind

I like it! Maybe my 'sonas have access to a more in-depth version of Rose's walkthrough, and are adding their own commentary in quiet moments during their own adventures.

@manorinthewoods asked: Your excitement over the resurrection of Dream Jade gave me a form of suspenseful mirth. Seeing how happy you were at her resurrection, while also knowing exactly what came of it, is perhaps textbook dramatic irony. If only you'd read a panel further… ~LOSS (26/4/24)

She looked so happy to be back, too! That certainly didn't last long.

She was prototyped with a smiling corpse, though. Maybe that was just her 'default' expression, and it vanished as soon as her actual feelings asserted themselves.

@thetinygladiator asked: 'I hadn’t really thought about Sally’s ectobiological parent - but now that I am, I think the funniest possible option is that it’s her landlady.' okay but i just gotta say… this immediately makes me think about how that relates to the house-building aspect. Like, with the giant tower, are they gonna charge the Imps for rent? That might work, honestly. Where do imps even live? Bet they don't have good AC or Wi-Fi, lemme tell ya.

300 GRIST/DAY NO CRUXTRUDER NO ALCHEMY NO PETS

@manorinthewoods submitted: How many computers would you have on your person if you were playing Sburb? Jade recommends at least 5. I say I'd have a laptop, phone, a spare of both of those, and computer gloves if I need to compute really fast. Also spare gloves. Speaking of the phone - is it possible for people to put phones in their pockets? Given Karkat (and a minor gag in Act 6), we can assume that it's difficult or uncommon to carry items without using the Sylladex - or maybe it's just tied to your dexterity, and you have to hold things gingerly to avoid captchaloguing them when you pick them up. On the other hand, there's no issues with accidentally storing something you've unstored and are using - so how does the Sylladex actually work? Do people just instinctively store their items once they're done using them? Is it difficult to avoid storing something you aren't using anymore? Can you stuff phones in pockets? If not, then why develop a PDA in the first place? Given the Sylladex, it should be much more commercially viable to make a tablet. ~LOSS (24/4/24)

Since Karkat can physically pick up a book, you can probably pocket your gear - although maybe there's a difference between holding an object and trying to add it to a physical 'inventory'. Either way, the issue is easily circumvented by employing wearable tech, like the kids do.

As depicted in my alchemy binge, my primary computing device would be the Pocket Holodex, which can remote into any computer in my sylladex.

In addition, my Modular Ring shirt is also a computer, which can presumably be augmented by adding extra mod1ules over time. I'd probably also captchalogue every computer in my apartment, of which I currently have six.

I'd be exploring the Medium with a minimum of seven computers, plus one pseudo-computer, plus a phone. Jade would certainly approve.

@iris-in-the-dark-world asked: the tension in act 5 act 2 is perfect, i love it. maybe even moreso on rereads, the foreshadowing and generally ominous vibes always get to me @heliotropopause asked: You're getting to the part where the comic really starts hitting its stride. This'll be fun.

The ever-present countdown certainly adds a degree of urgency to the situation.

I'm really liking the pacing of this current act, as things slowly progress towards some critical point - one which, for now, is still shrouded in mystery.

Anonymous asked: Forwarding another ask for the person with no account ~DJ: Eridan's deal seems to be based on Wizardry Herbert - a proto-Homestuck work by Hussie. A parody of Harry Potter dealing with whether magic is real. [] But Methods of Rationality began in February 2010, so "Harry Potter but obsessed with science" might have also been an intentional reference to that.-RM @heliotropopause asked: Eridan Ampora and the Methods of Rationality sure is an idea for a fanfic. He'd be so bad at it.

Eridan would be an extremely funny choice for a ratfic protagonist. He'd be so smarmy about it - and thus, a perfect addition to their ranks.

What would the definitive Homestuck ratfic be called, do you think? I think Tool-Assisted Speedrun would be a decent choice.

@killedthekat asked: An interesting thing about doomed timelines is how they serve to prevent stable loop metagaming. As a basic example, in a typical stable time loop scenario, if you observe yourself unharmed in the future, you can throw yourself into high danger high reward situations and know that probability will twist itself into whatever improbable knot it needs to do to keep you safe. But in homestuck if you lean too hard on predestination you just get shunted into a doomed timeline for your trouble.

It's true. Timehopping just isn't fun in Homestuck, as you're constantly walking a tightrope, desperately trying to stay in the one timeline that might not get you killed.

It's a good way to prevent time-travelers from becoming overpowered - something which is probably necessary for a comic which makes such heavy use of the concept.

Anonymous asked: Now that you're updating while HS^2 is, I've realised that while I'm barely keeping up with ^2, I just yelled "Oh! Upd8!" out loud when I checked your blog, so to me? You're the real continuation of Homestuck

What an honor!

For veterans of the comic, this blog is more Homestuck: Revisited than Homestuck 2. As a woman who would much rather watch video essays about old Simpsons episodes than new seasons of the show, I completely understand why some would prefer the latter.

@manorinthewoods asked: I've since finished Worm. I think Sophia's by far the best Vriska candidate. Lisa, Amy, and Colin are less so, I think. ~LOSS (21/4/24)

Oh, nice, you got all the way through it! Worm is an absolute behemoth, and I know a lot of people who started it, and gave up halfway through.

Sophia is likely the closest match to Vriska in personality. I agree with an earlier comment, though, that the most Vriska-like character in terms of audience reaction is probably Amy.

Anonymous asked: Cannot believe someone would propose a Homestuck/Locked Tomb scenario and leave Gamzee as part of a spare pairing, when the Homestuck fic The Serendipity Gospels, written by the author of The Locked Tomb, stars Gamzee and Terezi in the proto-necromancer/cavalier dynamic. Absolutely appropriate to have Gamzee as Ninth though, since his facepaint is the direct ancestor to Harrow's. Gamzee and Terezi is such a funny pairing to go with. I'm certainly looking forward to checking out The Serendipity Gospels when I'm done with the comic - both to compare it to Homestuck and to the Locked Tomb.

As am I. Apparently it was left unfinished - but considering how long this liveblog is taking, maybe Taz will have updated by the time I'm done!

Wishful thinking, of course, but I live in hope.

@bladekindeyewear submitted:

(I started Dragon's Dogma 2 a couple weeks ago and did my best to a Gideon Nav pawn (NPC ally), facepaint and two-hander and all, and the "Jaunty Straightforward" voice selection has been EXTREMELY distracting / game-improving because her voice and attitude chatting beside my player all the time sound almost straight out of the audiobook.)

Damn, you really captured her essence. Pawn is a very fitting title for her, too :(

@manorinthewoods asked: On the topic of blood color names - Blue through Purple were renamed in Hiveswap. Originally, Vriska was Cerulean, Equius was Blue, and Gamzee was Indigo - which I like more than their modern incarnations. I think 'bronze' might also be a Hiveswap thing, although I won't dispute it, and rust might have been renamed to burgundy? Maybe burgundy is a synonym. Idk. ~LOSS (4/13/24)

I think I prefer the likes of olive, indigo and bronze over more generic terms like green, blue and brown, which would quickly lead to confusion.

Vriska's blood, for example, is also a shade of blue, so it would be a little strange if blue blood was an official term, but it didn't apply to her.

@mxamericanblue asked:hi i have been absolutely BINGING your live blog rn and i gotta just get this out this is so so cool watching you react has been giving me so much joy, i don't have a computer so i can't really experience homestuck again casually when i want to but watching you read it and react and THEORIZE??? omg your theories have been so fuckin killer it's given me a new appreciation for Hussie as a story teller and how spectacular this comic truly was thank you for this, i've been having a grand ol' time, and it's all cuz of u

Thank you! I feel like I've been theorizing a lot less since I came back from my hiatus, mostly because the comic hasn't introduced many big mysteries recently - aside, of course, from Aradia's unexplained explosion.

(Pre-posting update: Since first drafting this ask, my statement above is no longer true, as Gamzee has been revealed as Homestuck's most important character. What the actual fuck.)

@lilietsblog asked: re fifth house aradia: she's an archeolodist :)

Oh, shit, you're right.

Maybe she'd be in more danger from the Lyctor than I thought.

@ben-guy asked: Vriska's ascension to god-tier is, in my personal opinion, one of the most visually striking scenes in all of Homestuck. Also, one of the panels you didn't include (which is understandable w/ Homestuck lol. Sacrifices for the sake of brevity) specifically the one where she has him write "[…] plenty of time for that l8r" above her head… Think about the position she would have had to move him to to write that.

…jesus, Vriska. You can't just do that!

@martinkhall asked: "What is treasure but a fortune, waiting to be found?" Or stolen if you're the THIEF of Light.

Son of a bitch. That's why she's a pirate, isn't it?

Because a Thief of Light is someone who steals fortunes!

@manorinthewoods asked: Eidolons. A species purpose-built to play Sburb, while breaking every mechanic you can solely with biology. Eidolons don't sleep, and live in a hive mind. Their psychologies are very poor at recognising distinct things, with Eidolons seeing the world more in terms of a blur of colors and shapes. They thus have a very difficult time understanding Classes and Aspects, never mind that their mythology never involved deities, and they never invented chess, or games of any sort… ~LOSS (15/4/24)

The idea of a species engineered from the ground up to be Players does raise the interesting question of whether there was a first species to play Sburb.

Of course, with all the time-loops we've been working with, there might not have been a first species - unless Sburb was 'created' in some sort of metatemporal space, 'before' any loops were put in place.

@manorinthewoods submitted: You are very good at analysing Vriska's psyche. Vriska's character was executed very well, I think, and I would hate her with a burning passion platonically but to a high degree if I knew her in real life. She's just… really horrible. She's a horrible person. And half her shtick is that she keeps evading consequences in spite of that. All of her mental torture of Tavros, for instance, ends in her becoming the most powerful player in the session. What sort of justice is that, Terezi? ~LOSS (15/4/24)

She hasn't entirely evaded consequences, but it's undeniable that none of the consequences she's experienced have actually stopped her from doing the things she does.

She's lost an arm, an eye, she's been beaten up, she's bled to death, and literally none of it has caused her to let up on Tavros, even a little. Letting up on Tavros, to her, would be worse than any physical harm, because it would be an attack on her worldview.

@sanctferum asked: "Has anything come of this since, actually? I haven’t heard anything about this new comic – although I do scroll in the opposite direction any time I see a reference to Homestuck, so I guess it makes sense that I wouldn’t." - The general feel I've gotten from the community has been largely positive re: the new Homestuck 2 updates, which have indeed been happening. It's being updated once per month for now, so a lot slower going than non-hiatused OG Homestuck. But I'm enjoying it so far!

Once a month seems more sustainable than Hussie's original barely-believable pace for the comic. With Hussie no longer at the helm, expecting daily panels seems like a pretty big ask - most people don't have the time, money or energy do what Hussie did.

Anonymous asked: I don't know if you read UTDR fanfiction, but this Tavros and Vriska situation reminds me a little bit of Flowey Is Not A Good Life Coach. she's trying to push him to his limits and torture him into being someone who will kill, and he just won't. say, what's your read on comparing Flowey : Vriska?

Flowey does what he does because he's lost his emotions, but Vriska does what she does because she's consumed by her emotions.

If anything, Flowey has more in common with Aradia. They're both time-travelers whose ability to feel is somewhat compromised.

Anonymous asked: WHATTTTTT HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN BACK???????? I THOUGHT YOU WERE STILL ON A LONG ASS HIATUS BUT I JUST JOW DISCOVERED TUMBLR ISNT GIVING ME POST NOTIFICATIONS FOR YOU ANYMORE EVEN THOUGH I HAVE IT TURNED ON FOR YOU AND IT WORKS FOR OTHER BLOGS???? WHAT THE HELL. IM GOING INSANE.

This has happened before - but before, I was also removed from Tumblr's search function, which doesn't seem to be the case this time.

Is anyone else having issues with Wertsearch post notifications?

@elkian asked: So has anyone mentioned the godhood joke yet? (The God Tiers costumes have hoods. God Hoods. Badum-tish)

LOL, I did miss that.

Anonymous asked: Fun Homestuck fact! After writing Karkat, someone brought up that the writer of the 'Programming For [Expletive]s' book sounded a lot like Karkat. Andrew responded by telling them to imagine that it was actually written in all caps, basically canonizing that the 'Programming For [Expletive]s' book was written by Karkat. At least, I think that's how that went? ~LOSS (28/2/23)

And it could be any Karkat, too. Maybe one of the Karkats from a doomed timeline actually learned to code from Sollux, and became a famous ~ATH developer.

@morganwick asked: So with conversation 8=8 apparently taking place in the immediate aftermath of Rose destroying her gate (even technically during Descend), and Rose's attitude towards Kanaya in the part of it that we see, does that change how much you think her attitude in their previous conversations reflects her genuine mental state?

Oh yeah, no, I’m pretty sure she was genuinely in a bad mood here. Not really so much because of Kanaya, and I think the anger directed at Kanaya specifically was inauthentic, but the bad mood itself was real. She'd recently been injected with several months of traumatic memories, after all.

@manorinthewoods asked: That panel, of John in Vriska's 'fabulous outfit', is actually pretty neat, because you can see from the proportions how young John really is. He's small, not even fully a teenager yet, and he's been thrown into this chaotic world of humans and trolls, quadrants, violence and danger. Everyone in the game must be scared, in some degree, but none of them ever show it. It makes you wonder just how strong Skaia's children really are. ~LOSS (29/4/23)

Seriously. In what universe are 13-year-olds the people most qualified to make universes? Sburb has some very funny ideas about the optimal way it should be played.

I suppose this is something that had to be true, though, for Homestuck to be the coming-of-age story that Hussie wanted it to be.

Anonymous asked: My interpretation has always been that "the Blind Prophets" are actually just Terezi herself, in a time loop-y/predestined way. She's blind, her class is Seer, AKA prophet, and those are her numerals. Also, on an unrelated note, but to weigh in on your last ask, according to Latin conventions, the plural of lusus is lusus. Does Homestuck follow those conventions? Well…

Or, since there are two Seers in Homestuck, maybe they’re Terezi and Rose. She’s a Light Player, so a blinding would be suitably ironic.

Anonymous asked: re: captchalogue codes and the states of objects: it takes a relatively small change in the physical arrangement of atoms and whatnot to turn a ghost dad poster into, say, a little monsters poster, but the two have a relatively large difference between their conceptual nature. on the other hand, it would take a relatively large rearrangement of atoms to make the slime pogo ride be anything other than a slime pogo ride. perhaps this makes the former change state more easily than the latter? alternatively, maybe the captcha system just knows that all it would really take to make the slime pogo ride stop being covered in oil is soap and water and it's happy to do that on its own, but paper is harder to clean so it wants you to jump through more hoops for that one new question: if john had used his posters for alchemy before he was able to see their defacement, would the resultant objects also be beclowned? evidence seems to suggest that players with unawakened dream selves Will draw on their walls in their sleep and not see it until Ready, so there not being mechanisms in place to deal with that seems less likely than the alternative to me, but especially considering people who aren't them Can see the drawings, how??? would that even??? work??? what would've happened if john had done alchemy with the arms cake. i think it would be funny to see that

I think he’d still get the clown posters.

The kids keep accidentally making magic items, so It's clearly possible for someone to alchemize an object with properties they didn't foresee. Therefore, I think John would make what appears, to him, to be a normal poster - but Rose would still see it as it truly is.

Anonymous asked: any thoughts on what the horrorterrors are? beyond their (admittedly vague) intentions?

I think they’re a sign of the wider cosmology beyond Sburb - and, more specifically, a sign that there is a wider cosmology beyond Sburb.

I don't know if we'll necessarily get more expansion on them than we've already had, because their whole shtick is that they're unknowable. Needless to say, I'd love to be proven wrong.

[wylanzahn]

New-ish post, kinda posting this on different platforms and getting a general vibe check for some ideas I have. But basically this Halloween I want to actually do something for the TTRPG and Actualplay world (oh yeah I’m into those kinds of things). I want to try and get both players, GMs, and casual viewers alike something fun to look forward to this especially spooky season. I’ll probably talk a little more when we get closer to the actual season of scare-giving but just know that if you’re interested I’m still looking for people to join in!!

As my team and I’d first debut we’re going to try and do a two to four session actual play, which will probably be released in the weeks leading up to Halloween. We’ve had a couple good friend way in on the matter of “setting” but now I come to you fine folk. Mind you this is a horror campaign/arc so if…

Isn’t your thing, keep on a moving.

But without further ado here are a couple of the possible settings for our players, and myself, this coming espookee season…

1.) Somewhere off the coast of Florida, 1926 end of the first major housing boom in the state, a small island which calls back to the Spanish Empire, is Isla Boñyela, a small port made tourist location during the boom of disposable wealth in 1920s America. A small group of friends from the northeast tag along down for the perfect paradise vacation. Only to discover the island is much much older than anyone could have ever assumed. Whilst dealing with upstart gangsters, unnerving US soldiers, and the terrified locals they find something older than even undead conquistadors.

While I don’t have a working title, this is an old project in the running which I’ve had a few attempts at revamping over time. Its previous title was “perfect paradise vacation,” and runs on the Call of Cthulhu 7th Edition game. Anywho it’s a blast of fun with Caribbean lore, tone of anti-imperialism, and something dark lurking beneath the waves.

2.) 1950’s America, the nonexistent state of Mid-Atlantia (DMV coded) in a small suburban neighborhood where nothing goes wrong… it’s almost “All-Hallows-Eve” and little Johnny and Susie want nothing more than to trick or treat this year with all the big kids, Dad’s finally getting the big promotion at work, and Mom just got a new waffle iron! Sure everything is neat here in America. Heck you just got new neighbors! Newlyweds in fact from somewhere big and fancy, they sure aren’t like any of us in our simple town. But… and you can’t say exactly why but things are different. Or perhaps they’re all too the same? Everyday a repeat of ever other bland day that followed you over and over and over and over… and you could swear, while no one may listen to you there’s someone out there. Stalking you from outside your own home- or- perhaps, he’s just your friendly new neighbor welcoming you… to the end.

Ahhhhhh! I’ve also been working on this one for a sec and god writing it out does excite me. This is also a Call of Cthulhu game but modified/homebrewed to have a uniquely 1950s horror feel. This is definitely one of the more unique games I’ve written and am truly interested in seeing where it goes (even if we don’t choose it). This is for those who feel like isolation, fear of the unknown, fear from within, and liminal space horror comes best into play! So whadya say neighbor?

3.) The Enemy of My Enemy is My Friend, or How I Learned to Love Strahd, okay so this one is a lot less horror-y and falls much more under the comedic spooky category, just so yall know. Deep in the middle of Barovia, the ancient kingdom of Vampires, meets a council of Count Strahd von Zarovich's greatest commanders and lieutenants to hunt down Strahd's greatest enemy Rudolph van Richten and his party of heroes known as "The Grape-Smashers." Strahd's lieutenants have been gifted powers greater than any mere mortals, but are these gifts enough to stop Van Richten, or even enough to stop the personal ambitions of each other? Come find out in "How I Learned to Love Strahd."

Okay, as much as this may seem like a joke suggestion it cracks me up and I feel like it would be ill-advised of me to not at least mention it. In an era where "The Curse of Strahd," is well-overdone at this point, it's worth a take from an all evil "revenge story." Obviously this will be in Dungeons and Dragons 5th Edition, which, in my opinion, is really hard to use for horror, but this is a nice go-around. Come for the evil PCs, maybe a PvP battle or two, and a game of intrigue in the shadows of Barovia! All that and a buff Van Richten.

4.) Before Annapolis was ever called such it was known as Providence, a settlement of exiled Puritans in the Province of Maryland, but these early days were no easy set-up for the far-flung protestants... in the mid 1600s the English Civil War spilled out into their holdings across the waves as brother turned on brother, clan erasing clan, and something from the shores of the Old World would arrive in the New. When around every corner could be someone you've known your whole life, what's stopping them from hunting you in the depths of winter. All matters made worse when rumors of a witch begins circulating your small home.

Think "The VVitch" (2015) meets "A Field in England" (2013) meets Atun Shei's recent film "The Sudsbury Devil" (2023). It is the unexplored wilderness of early colonial Maryland, but the hateful warmongering that slowly builds that makes the horror and tension so clear. Unsure of what system we'll be using, but maybe the new Regency Cthulhu system.

5.) The Great Baltimore Fire of 1904 destroyed some 140 Acres of Baltimore proper... and in it's rubble awakened something far worse. But you and your fellow survivors are just trying to get by in the aftermath of the fire... only for something to call out, whether some strange magicks or perhaps just a sickness... but sickness doesn't even linger like this... it doesn't call to you...

Some more local history, aspiring from the actual Fire of 1904 things quickly devolve from there as rumors of a cult begin to spread along the streets of Rosland Park... a mysterious illness leaving even more dead... and the death of an eclectic professor. Definitely using the Call of Cthulhu 7th Edition for this one.

Aaaaaaaand that's it! Let me know what y'all think!

[adachimoe]

Adachi's Mistake

One of the things that is never explained and seemingly left intentionally vague is Adachi's mistake.

After you hear his stupid bullshit on December 7th, he invites you to come find his real self, and you find him inside the TV. While he certainly says a lot of bullshit, I think this line is actually true. Adachi not taking his job seriously (implication being to the extent of messing up) is a recurring thing in the game, so much that him preparing Namatame to be transferred is something Dojima finds out of character or too serious for him.

Some of the meta text about the game (e.g. Adachi's character profiles) also mention him being transferred due to a mistake he made. So, while he does say a lot of bullshit, I think there's some truth to his mini-rant about this.

But what's the mistake he made? Hmm. I've read a lot of interviews and other meta stuff, and... I dunno lol. It doesn't seem to be in any of the stuff I've read. It seems fun to headcanon and speculate about. Maybe he did the exact same shit he's been doing in Inaba but his old boss was less tolerant than Dojima?

It seems that when this topic comes up amongst westerners, people automatically assume Adachi shot someone? That feels more like being American and assuming every country is America lol. And if we're being painfully realistic, he's a plain clothes detective so he wouldn't be carrying a gun to begin with unless it was a situation where it was deemed necessary that he should have one. (Also, I think I've posted about this before, but if Adachi is really just a gun nut, why the heck did he even become a plain clothes detective? Uniformed officers who work in the field would be more likely to carry one.)

I also think about the situation surrounding and reaction to Abe's assassination 2 years ago. Part of why that was such a huge spectacle is because gun violence there is very different (a lot lower). It gives me the impression that "a police officer accidentally shoots someone" would've been seen as a more major thing. In contrast, Adachi believes the mistake he made was something small, and the meta descriptions written about him in booklets seem to agree with this.

As far as civil servant transfers go in general, I am an idiot and went to read up about that on some Japanese websites. They occur every year around March/April and maybe again in the fall (matches up with Adachi saying he came to Inaba in the spring). It also seems pretty normal for civil servants to get transferred every 3-5 years, though things like "causing problems" can justify why you would get transferred.

Given that it's Adachi, maybe he didn't go drinking after work with his coworkers enough times and he gave them bad vibes so he got transferred, bwaha. Though he did go to New Year's Eve parties, so maybe he was actually a bit more social than I'm thinking...?

Random: I have learned that these "unexplained events" are called "noodle incidents", and I am shocked I recognized the reference... my older brothers used to read Calvin and Hobbes!

[climbthemountain2020]

A Heartbreak in Mid-December

Also on Ao3 | World's biggest thank you to @wilde-knight, my love, my light, my life, my beta reader <3

Synopsis: Lucien gets rip-roaring drunk after yet another failure of a Solstice and spends some time reflecting on the events that led him here. He decides that perhaps it's time to let go of the bond once and for all.

OR

CC couldn't stop picturing Elucien scenarios while listening to Neck Deep.

Highly recommend listening to December by Neck Deep before reading because it is screaming Elucien vibes to me.

Lucien crashed in through his front door, stumbling over his own two feet and slamming into the coat rack right within the doorframe. 

Shit. Fuck. 

He straightened it, blinking his eyes against the streetlight spilling into his dark apartment. The single, depressing Solstice candle he had lit before he left hours ago was still burning low. He fumbled his arm back behind him, searching for the door to slam it shut. It didn’t shut quietly, and he winced. It was very, very late–or, rather, early– and he hoped he hadn’t just woken his neighbors on a holiday. 

The sky was lightening far off in the distance, and the copious amounts of liquor Lucien had drunk roiled in his stomach as he made his way to the kitchen. Rifling through his near-empty cabinets, he found some bread and hard cheese, choosing to save himself the pain later of having gone to sleep drunk as a jester on an empty stomach. 

He chewed sloppily as he looked out the window to the brightening horizon of Velaris. It really was a beautiful city, the stars twinkling more brightly in the sky here than anywhere else he’d ever been. Every time he went into town, he was thrilled to find some new, fantastic oddity that kept his curious mind intrigued. He made friends with the shopkeepers, the artisans, the barkeeps, as he did everywhere he went. He truly could have seen himself making a home here. Except for the fact that every second of being here felt like rending his very soul from his body. 

Three years. It had been three fucking years now. Three Solstice eves where he’d gone out on a limb, taking his very carefully chosen gift like an acolyte bringing a sacrifice to an altar. Three years where he would sit through an awkward dinner with a family that wasn’t his and never would be. He’d give her the delicately wrapped parcel in carefully chosen paper, and she would politely smile and then…nothing. Not a word or even a nod in return. 

The bond might as well be a dead animal in his chest for the way it was rotting out his heart. She didn’t want him–couldn’t stand his very presence–and yet, he still tried, beating himself down and eroding more and more of himself in the process. He’d hoped, perhaps, this year would be a better year. He’d spent an egregious amount of time in the little tea shop in Day Court, combing through each of the hundreds of flavors and combinations available to choose the ones he felt she’d love. He’d bought a cinnamon, peppermint, and ginger mix, sharp and fragrant and interesting. He’d found a chai with milky ribbons of caramel that reminded him of Autumn. He’d found a breakfast tea there that hailed from the mortal lands, thinking it might be one she’d had before and warm her heart on the days that all the changes were too hard for her. Finally, he’d picked a lovely persimmon and lavender blend. It smelled like the flowers of her garden, and reminded him of warm days under the Spring sun. Rather than the physical gifts of the past two years, the enchanted gloves and the earrings, this was something simply for pleasure and enjoyment. He’d hoped this new approach would be appreciated, but just like every year, the placid smile graced her face and that was that. 

He wished, just once, she’d open that bond in her chest–let him know even the smallest bit of what she was feeling. What was he doing wrong? Was this all punishment from that god awful first moment where he’d unceremoniously blurted in his shock that she was his mate? Everyone had judged it as a claiming, a declaration, when what it had really been was a soul-gutting, horrific realization that it hadn’t been Jes. Lucien barely remembered the following events of that night–his heart and his mind cycling rapidly and frantically between protect your mate and you’d been wrong–she died for nothing. 

Lucien aggressively rubbed his hand down his face, sighing as he finished the bread, running water from the sink and sticking his face under it to drink. These were dangerous thoughts for a drunk mind. But with horrible lucidity, Lucien knew he wouldn’t be trying again next year. This had been it. As tortured as he felt about the constant rejections, he knew Elain must be tiring of his slow and steady attempts. He hoped that she could be happy here in Velaris, here in this fae body and fae life she’d never wanted, but three years of demurely rebuffed attempts had left him a ragged shell of self-hate. He couldn’t live this way anymore. 

Lucien had decided, somewhere between bottles tonight, that he was going to let this go–he had to. There was only so much a male could take, and he couldn’t keep gently offering his heart up to her only to have her crush it beneath her pretty, unfailingly polite fist. His centuries of life had been filled with so much heartbreak and torment, and he’d fought–fought like hell–to stay good. But there are only so many times a heart could be cleaved entirely in two before a person broke. He was on the precipice. He rubbed his eyes painfully as they began to burn. She owed him nothing, but he owed himself peace. 

Tonight, as he’d left the River House, kind words and hugs from Feyre, claps on the back from Cassian and Rhys, a cold side eye from the Shadowsinger, as always, he’d decided that he was going to go get rip-roaring drunk tonight. He’d allow himself this one night to drink until he forgot and wallow in his devastation, and tomorrow he would send a letter to Elain offering to sever the bond–urging her to. 

Would he go insane? Maybe. Was he already insane for allowing this to be drawn out for so long when he clearly wasn’t wanted? Perhaps. He’d tried so hard to give her the space she clearly craved these past three years, especially after he’d known she wasn’t going to fling herself off the balconies of the House of Wind. He’d been a perfect gentleman, never pushing or pressing, never overstepping. He’d been patient, tried softly to get to know her where the opportunities organically presented themselves, but he’d been foiled, one way or another, at every turn. She hated his presence as much as she hated his presents.

He’d see her every so often around town when she was walking around Velaris. It wasn’t a large city, so they were bound to see each other on his visits. She didn’t notice him, but he always noticed her, the sound of her heartbeat echoing down the bond and calling out to him like a beacon whenever she was close. She would be shopping, or talking to vendors in the market, or on her way to fix the garden of a Velaris resident. Her dresses would always complement her pretty, porcelain, freckled skin, and her hair would always be shining in the sun. Lucien would wonder, against all common sense, what it would feel like to simply sit with her at one of the many restaurants along the Sidra. He wondered what it would be like to eat lunch with her, exchange stories, get to know each other better, maybe even cause her to laugh at something he’d said. But instead, he noted her presence and moved on–Lucien never wanted to be the one to make Elain uncomfortable. 

His frustration led him to grab another bottle of liquor from the cabinet and drink straight from it as he collapsed onto the couch. What had he done in a previous incarnation to have earned such ire from the Cauldron? First, his family, then Jes, then Tamlin, now this? Lucien didn’t think he was a bad person. He’d made mistakes, sure, but he always tried to do the right thing, especially by those he cared about. But now he was here, in a city he couldn’t really call home with people he couldn’t really call friends. He’d barely bothered to decorate his apartment, choosing instead to put in a few small touches that reminded him of Autumn and Spring–an amber yellow woven blanket thrown over the back of his couch that reminded him of the maple leaves in late season, an aquamarine enchanted ceramic pot of ferns and hyacinths on the mantle from Spring. All just pieces of all the places Lucien had almost been able to call home once. 

There was no reason to torture himself and do more. He only stayed here every so often, popping in to report back to Rhysand, catch a glimpse of Elain, and hope beyond reason this would be the time Feyre told him that Elain had changed her mind. It never was. Sometimes he would see her in the halls of the River House, where she’d give a little curtsey and disappear before any words could ever be exchanged. Lucien hated the baser parts of him that the bond brought out, but most of all he hated how much her scent affected him. Honey and pears and the light smell of clean linens line-dried in the sun haunted him through the hallways, even long after she’d fled. 

Lucien swigged his harsh liquor and let the burn in his throat refocus him. He refused to lay here and think about how she smelled. 

She wasn’t interested, and she never had been. Lucien was a smart male; he wasn’t stupid enough to not be aware of Elain’s care for the Shadowsinger. At least two years now he’d seen the shared glances, the stolen touches. He was sure that Rhysand trying to avoid tensions was the only reason they hadn’t gone public with their relationship, whatever it was. He had once hoped that eventually, as a fae, she might understand the depth of a mating bond and at least want to give getting to know Lucien a try, but he’d put a time limit on it, and that was tonight. If she’d shown even the slightest bit of interest, he’d have waited forever for her. But she had shown him, again and again through her actions, or lack thereof, that she wasn’t. He couldn’t make himself be someone that he wasn’t, and she hated him solely for being her mate. He’d been raised to believe it was a blessing, and she viewed it as a punishment. What else could he do?  

Maybe it was a punishment. He’d spent centuries thinking it had been Jes, that he’d lost his one chance at real love when his brothers had cleaved her head from her shoulders and made him watch. His sweet, clever, mischievous Jes, with her kind eyes, and teasing words, and endless love for him. He’d never deserved her to begin with, and then his love had gotten her killed. A day hadn’t passed that he didn’t miss her. The worst part was, he actually thought Elain and Jes would have been fast friends–their care and love for nature and flowers and their gentle words. He could sense that Elain had a more mischievous side, not that he’d ever been allowed nor would he ever have a chance to see it himself. 

Lucien’s vision swam thinking about it all, his heartbeat a dirge within his chest for the life he’d suffered through. He had to remind himself that he, against all odds, was alive. It was enough to be thankful for, and he’d convince himself there were better times still to come, even without either of them. He pulled that woven blanket that reminded him so much of his mother around his shoulders, closing his eyes and placing the half-empty liquor bottle onto the floor next to the couch. Tomorrow he would send the letter to Elain and return to his friends; even listening to Jurian and Vassa banter as foreplay until they inevitably hate-fucked each other would be better than this torture. 

He’d leave Elain to her freedom–he truly hoped she would get whatever it was that she wanted from this new life she’d never asked for. The Cauldron had taken everything from her and left nothing she wanted in its place. Not her fae body, not her fiance abandoning her, and definitely not Lucien. More than anything, he hoped she found her way here and found a way to be happy despite all the horrors she’d seen. She could have her Shadowsinger and their little winged babies, and three brothers could have their three sisters, and Lucien could have some peace. 

Perhaps breaking the bond would blessedly drive him insane, and he could be rid of this pain once and for all. This looming feeling of inadequacy would leave him, or at least he wouldn’t be aware of enough to know it existed in the first place. He had seen enough, and now it all felt like too much. Maybe being insane would be preferable to all this, he thought as he began to drift off. 

Just as sleep began to take him under, he heard a light tapping. What was that? It happened again, three quiet raps on his door. He rolled over, pulling the blanket tight against the knocking and the dawn light beginning to pour through the windows. But the knocks came again, louder this time. 

Shit, fine. 

Lucien groaned and rolled off the couch onto the floor with a grunt, the knocks still ringing through his apartment like a thumping heartbeat. He swayed as he tried to get to his feet, moving the bottle to the table and stumbling to the door. 

“Hang on, okay? I hear you, I hear you.” 

Lucien was not in a good place to deal with a neighbor complaining about the noises earlier, but he supposed he’d brought that upon himself. He undid the latch and threw the door open, the early daylight peaking in as he grimaced and covered his eyes. 

But there, against the soft light of the rising sun, stood Elain. She was haloed by it, the light shining off her tousled hair, her cloak thrown hastily over her shoulders, cheeks bright red from the cold and her breath freezing into clouds in the chilly morning air. 

“Elain–” he gasped out. 

“Happy Solstice, Lucien.” He was at a loss for words, like every thought in his head had ground to a horribly abrupt stop and there was nothing left but empty space and confusion. “I came to check on you. I felt…well, I’ve felt nothing but anguish down the bond for hours. I’ve never felt so much from you, and I got worried.” She said, shyly. 

He could have rammed his face through the wall; he was mortified beyond belief. For three years, he’d kept those carefully constructed walls up night and day to keep from torturing her. One drunk night and he’d plagued her all evening with his self-loathing. 

“Elain, I am so sorry. I drank a bit much last night. I never meant–” She held up a hand. 

“It’s quite alright. But are you okay?” This was more words than she’d spoken to him at once ever. Maybe more than she’d spoken to him altogether over the past three years. Strangely, she didn’t look put-upon–likely her years of training as a lady in society. His shame was oily and horrid, and he immediately went to reconstruct those walls around the twisting gold thread in his chest. She looked up at him, eyes wide and…disappointed?

“Uh, yes. I’m alright.” He scratched the back of his neck. “I didn’t even know you knew where I lived.” He tried to lighten the mood with a laugh, his default. He was still drunk and trying to focus when something so insane was happening was nearly impossible. Surely this wasn’t just a dream?

A blush painted over her beautiful, freckled cheeks. 

“Oh, I actually do. I’ve come by a few times, but I’ve never had the nerve to knock.” A stiff wind could have knocked him clean out. She’d come here? She looked embarrassed to admit it, but Lucien was still trying to make sense of things, gaping and looking insane in the doorway. “Might I come in? It’s a bit chilly.” 

“Oh, gods, Elain. Yes, of course. I’m so sorry.” He ushered her inside, kicking himself repeatedly for ruining this. “Can I get you some tea?” He was immediately ashamed of his apartment–everything so sparsely put together and nothing fancy for her. Without thinking, he tossed a ball of flame to the hearth, warming the room for her. 

“No, that’s fine. I just wanted to come and check on you. When I felt some of the emotions coming through, I worried you might be in danger…I couldn’t just ignore it.” 

“I am so sorry, Elain. Truly. I never intended for you to feel anything.” She looked down. 

“I know, Lucien. You’re always very vigilant.” The words left her tongue with a bit more bite than he had expected, but it was enough to sober him. 

Fuck the letter. He was doing this now. 

“Elain, do you want to break the bond? I planned to write and offer you the option today, but since you’re here, I’ll just say it.” Elain’s eyes shot to his, her expression heartbroken and appalled, and Lucien suddenly got the first spark of feeling down that faded, dim tether that he’d ever felt. Devastation. 

“Is that what you want?” Her voice was a whisper, but Lucien couldn’t help the laugh that barked out of him. 

“Me? Gods, no. You. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

“No, Lucien. It is not.” He felt like he was living in a fever dream. Maybe he’d fallen into the Sidra on his way home from the tavern and was slowly freezing to death beneath the waves. 

“Don’t you want to be with Azriel?” It was her turn to huff a laugh out, looking incredulous. 

“Cauldron, no. You know he’s mated, right?” Lucien did not know. “Yes, to Gwyn, Nesta’s friend. I mean, for full disclosure, at one point, there was some…tension. But nothing ever became of it. And it was a year ago.” Lucien had never been at such a loss for what to say as they stood in the entryway of his small apartment. He hated the relief he felt, hated even more than in his drunken state, she could definitely tell. 

His mate was there, in his home, speaking to him. Laughing. Her scent filled every inch of space around him–he may never be able to sleep here again. Could he seal the doors and keep it forever?

“So, you don’t want to break the bond?” He asked, tentatively. She sighed, walking to the couch and dropping heavily down, her head in her hands. 

“Lucien, I am so sorry. I have made such an incredible mess of this. I imagine you’ll never forgive me, and I understand if you’ve had enough. I never meant to make you so miserable, and I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am.” He must be hallucinating. How old had that liquor been?

“I was so lost at the beginning, so hateful and resentful. I had never wanted any of this, and for the longest time, every time I saw you, I was reminded of all that.” 

“I reminded you? But I gave you space, I–”

“It didn’t matter! You were just so fae.” She gestured up and down at him as if that made it make sense. “Your bright, braided hair, your beautiful eyes, your tailored, colorful clothes. You were so unequivocally inhuman that I couldn’t look at you without remembering.” He guessed that made sense. Human men were incredibly dull, and Lucien had always prided himself on his appearance. 

“After a long time, I just continued to push you away because I didn’t know how to fix the gap I’d made between us. I couldn’t admit I was wrong because it didn’t feel wrong that I’d been scared, but it did feel wrong to be apart from you. I just didn’t know how to fix it.” She got quiet at the end, and he came to sit on the table in front of her. 

“To accept you would have meant I was wrong, but it would have also meant I accepted everything that happened to me. It wasn’t fair, but it was what happened. I hate how horribly I’ve hurt you working through it all.” Her eyes were rimmed with tears as he looked at her. Elain. Here. Sitting on his couch mere inches from him and pouring her heart out at his feet. She laughed, somewhat mirthlessly, and met his eyes again. 

“You drove me mad. Bought me the most perfect gifts every single year. Not stupid, surface-level things, but things that told me you could see me when no one else could. The tea? How could you have possibly picked so many flavors and scents I love? You’re always there and you smell so good and it makes me want to act against every single thing I’ve ever been taught. I can hear the way your heart skips and races when you see me, and I hate that I know you can hear mine do the same. I hate to know that you feel how you affect me. I have no secrets; I have no defenses against you.” It had all come rushing out in a single breath, and she was left on the couch, panting and staring at him with wide eyes. 

Lucien stood, dumbstruck, jaw hanging and unable to form a thought let alone a sentence. Was this a joke? A dream?  

She stood too, pacing in front of the couch Lucien now stood next to, watching her like a male seeing the sun rise for the first time in his life. 

“More than anything, I hated how you always knew me. Knew what I needed, sunshine and the sea, while everyone else wanted to keep me inside. You knew the gifts I would love, the space that I would need. I knew you’d be there waiting for me, too. And I took you for granted, and that makes me the worst of all.” 

He wanted so badly to tell her it didn’t matter. If she truly felt this way, it didn’t matter. If he’d thought, even for a moment, that she’d just needed a bit more time, he’d have waited forever. He wanted to tell her he’d only offered to break the bond because he thought it’s what she wanted. He wanted to tell her he’d fall at her feet and stay there for the rest of their immortal lives if she wanted him. If she allowed him. 

“Elain, I–”

“Do you know I have your jacket?”

“My…What?”

“The one you wrapped around me when I was thrown from the Cauldron. I saved it. I folded it into a small box in the bottom of my closet. Sometimes I bring it out when I have nightmares and hold it close to my face, and it feels like you’re there with me.” 

Lucien was astonished, the beating of his heart and hers drowning out all remaining rational thought. Lucien hadn’t felt hope like this in centuries. 

“It’s starting to not smell like you anymore, and I can’t bear it,” she whispered.

Her eyes flicked back to his, and she took the smallest step forward. If his heart hadn’t been thundering like the hooves of a thousand running horses, he’d worry it had stopped entirely. All thought left him, all sense. In two long strides, he was across the room to her, her jaw in his hand and her eyes closed. 

“You smell like pine needles in the sun,” she whispered, her breath grazing his hand. He laughed through his grin, his thumb brushing across her cheek as she sighed and opened her eyes, soft brown like the leaves coating the forest floor in fall, to look into his own with a smile of her own. 

“If I offer you the moon on a string, Lucien, will you give me a kiss too?” He laughed again, not knowing whether or not Feyre had told her that tidbit or if she’d Seen it herself. But she smiled at his laugh, and the effect was blinding. 

He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her lips, before he could change his mind. 

Her lips were soft, soo incredibly soft, and her hands wound through his tangled hair immediately, pulling him closer. He was intoxicated with the smell of her, so close and unfiltered. It was Elain who ran her tongue along the seam of his lips, begging for entry as he used his hand to tilt her head slightly. The smallest noise left her throat, and Lucien had to call upon every single bit of restraint he’d ever mustered to hold himself back from tossing her over his shoulder. She must have heard the thought, felt it even, as he noticed his walls had crumbled down again. He felt a smattering of emotions from her, elation, relief, arousal. It was too much, it was not enough, it was perfect. 

They might have kissed for hours, days, or minutes, but it tapered down into soft, quick presses of their lips against each other as they steadied their beating hearts. 

“Would you like to get lunch with me today, Lucien?” Elain said, breathless as they pulled apart, but barely. 

“I would like nothing more, my lady” she smiled against his lips, smoothing her hand over his chest. He felt as though every breath had been drawn out of him, his lungs simply existing in a void where he floated blissfully on a cloud. 

“Then you better rest up. You’ve got about six hours to sleep, then I’ll be expecting you on the bridge by the market. We’ve got some catching up to do.” She pressed a small, wrapped parcel into his hand, then stood on tiptoes to give him another kiss on the jaw before walking back to the door, looking over her shoulder to say goodbye. 

“Happy Solstice, Lucien.” She smiled as she pulled the door closed behind her.

Lucien hoped beyond reason that this wasn’t a dream, but her lingering scent swirled around him as he let himself drop back to the couch. He looked down at the parcel in his hand, wrapped delicately in white and silver tissue paper, folded neatly at the seams and wrapped in a bow of twine. 

She’d given him a Solstice gift. 

He undid the bow carefully, fully planning to save every single aspect of this present as long as he lived. He peeled back the carefully folded corners of the paper, making sure not to rip it. Inside the beautiful paper was a folded, cream colored handkerchief. He picked it up and unfolded it to find the smallest embroidered fox in the corner, the colored threads somehow catching the mischievous glint in its eyes. Beneath it was a round piece of glass–no–resin. Pressed within it were bright Autumn leaves, layered in yellows, oranges, and crimsons held at the peak of their color forever, suspended in time. A piece of his very first home to have here and hold close. 

He’d never received such gifts in his life. They were both so perfectly him–things he would have been drawn to immediately at a market, but would never have bothered to purchase for himself. It made up for a million Solstices. 

He laid back on the couch, holding the gifts to his chest and closing his eyes as he drifted off, the smell of pear and honey wrapped around him like the yellow blanket that reminded him of days spent running through the woods of Autumn. 

I hope you get your ballroom floor

Your perfect house with rose red doors

I'm the last thing you'd remember

It's been a long lonely December

I wish I'd known that less is more

But I was passed out on the floor

That's the last thing I remember

It's been a long lonely December

December by Neck Deep

Cast me aside to show yourself in a better light

I came out grieving, barely breathing

And you came out alright

But I'm sure you'll take his hand

I hope he's better than I ever could have been

My mistakes were not intentions, this is a list of my confessions I couldn't say

Pain is never permanent but tonight it's killing me

[silly-tma-headcanons]

this is the fourth time i'm writing this but guess who's backkkk :P

this time with the seasons i think the archives staff were born in- it's been on my mind for some reason sdhjdsj

jon & martin were born in autumn, solely because they just give off autumn vibes

sasha was born in summer, just a month after spring & tim constantly said they should've been born in spring

tim was born in winter, i have no idea why but he gives me those vibes. he hates how close his birthday is to christmas

late spring melanie!! mainly because moths hatch in the late spring and early summer, and her dad called her "little moth"

basira gives winter/spring vibes...........also off topic but i feel like she'd be really interested in the multiple different butterfly designs

helinedmightbehere back with gods mightiest tma hcs !!!! its always lovely to get one of yours after i disappear for a month or so :3

i feel like jon is early september, and was one of the oldest kids in his year at school. martin has mid-november vibes :3

sasha is deffo june, as you said. tim makes a lot of jokes about her being queer and born in pride month

i think tim is either christmas, christmas eve or boxing day. and his family does the boxing day tradition. he gets absolutely BATTERED but they all use the birthday digs excuse combined with boxing day

melanie is right near the end of may. shes such a spring/summer girlie. i like to imagine her dad would take her out of school on her birthday, no matter how old she was.

basira is either april or december and i cant decide. either way, i think some of her earliest memories are of spring time, and thats why she likes butterflies :3

(adding on!!!)

daisy is january. like really early in the year, quite close to new years

jonah is february but og elias is july. smth about the duality of jonah being the cold of winter without the novelty of christmas and the new year and elias being the warmth of summer without suffocating in it as one would in august.

gerry is march, and is either close to or on the same date as eric. when he was born, eric was so happy that him and gerry were so close in birthdays and he thinks it's the cutest thing. mary is just annoyed that the two have yet another thing in common, with how poorly she thinks of eric near the end of their relationship

gertrude is october. loads of the staff in research and library make halloween jokes lmao. shes not that bothered, if anything, she finds it funny.

[1eos]

May I have some lovely book recommendations on this day <3 😁😁 I'm trying to read more this next year

you sure can!!!!! i'll list my fave reads of the past few years:

convenience store woman by sayaka murata -one of my fave books of all timeeeeee. its basically about a woman who just doesnt fit in into 'normal' society and even tho she's happy ppl feel like she shouldnt be bc she's not progressing w everyone else. if you've been the weird girl ever this book will

ring shout - p djeli clark. a historical fiction novel where the kkk are like demons and theres this organization of black hunters. its action packed but what makes it so amazing is the emotional growth of the characters :') an all time fave

the vanishing half - brit bennett. another AMAZING historical fiction book. its abt family lines....and colorism and twins and what it means to be white passing and privilege and generational trauma. it honestly has toni morrison core vibes where there's a lot of pain but thru love all is healed!

there's no such thing as an easy job by kikuko tsumura. a bit of an eclectic read. this woman takes on different jobs and they each give her grief in a new way. very relatable esp if you hate your job 😭

the vegetarian by han kang. THEE GOAT. i will recc this book until the day i DIE. and even then. its technically a horror story abt the fallout after a woman has a dream/vision and decides to stop eating meat but its sooo much deeper than that. its such a great look at how, as a woman, everything abt you is subject to critique down to what you eat

parasite eve. thee classic scifi horror the video game was inspired by! think frankenstein but there's a love story underneath. but also you question if it was love at all bc what if the mitochrondria inside of us are just manipulating everything we do? i loved it! writing style is a bit clinical but idc

my sister the serial killer by oyinkan braithwaite...i read this one in a single day it was THAT GOOD. sister is a serial killer and the fucking implications and fucked up shit that comes from lookism and family expectations and misogyny tbh. love it~

annihilation by jeff vandermeer. the first in a series but you can just read the first one. its sooooooooooooooooooo good. its a scifi book about this mysterious barrier off the coast that's slowly expanding and inside nature is reclaiming its space and most everyone that enters the barrier never returns.....another quick read bc it will have you HOOKED

yellowface by r f kuang. i don't usually enjoy satire but r f kuang really TOOK IT THERE. this is the most infuriating book you'll ever read but in the best way. this white author w an inferiority complex objectifies her friend that she secretly hates and then steals her friend's book. only thing is the friend is proudly asian and her book is abt specific cultural history so the white girl does diet yellowface and is just a massive bitch

beloved by toni morrison. how do you sum up beloved? i cannot sum up beloved. if i had to sum up beloved i would say 'love is a haunting but not every haunting is love and the only thing that can clear a haunting is love'

in the dream house by carmen maria machado. god probably the best prose i've read all year. a really beautiful but bittersweet autobiographical novel about a bisexual woman's experience with a fucked up abusive relationship and how subtle abuse can be. heavy subject matter but handled soooo beautifully.

the only good indians by stephen graham jones. WHEW. this is a horror......and this book will take you for a fucking ride i'll tell you that. its abt a group of native american men who were childhood friends and due to one mistake they're all haunted by...something that wants to get revenge on them. this book had me going 'DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?' multiple times

[phyriaxi]

Another ask separate from my rq, are there any artists or other influences that have inspired your art that you'd like to share?

ohh boy, this is definitely a question I can ramble about (apologies in advance for the long text!!)

Short Answer (a list of lasting artistic influences):

Movies/animanga: How to Train Your Dragon, Avatar (not ATLA, sorry) , Evangelion, Pinch Point (by VLANCAT), Land of the Lustrous, Tower of God, CSM, Tokyo Ghoul, 86 EIGHTY-SIX

Games: Arknights, Cytus II (rip art team..), Honkai Impact 3rd, Destiny 2

artists/illustrators/animators: Shilin, Ishida Sui, yasutatsu, WOOMA, par0llel, suzumesakiii, Dino_illus, liduke, ligton1225, Curie Lu, 96yottea, many many others... I could write nearly every Arknights illustrator as well and still not be satisfied ..

Music: classical music, Ado, KIVA, Eve (the MVs..!), i think i need to stop listing things now because it'll never end

Long Answer (rambling):

when it comes to art, i am definitely inspired by other visual artists, but i am also very inspired by the world around me as well as creators of other types of media. i'm extremely lucky to have grown up in a lively, diverse city with a wonderfully creative family, so the art and music of my family and environment plays a large part in my artistic preferences!! Something I have really wanted to integrate more deeply into my art is the contrast between new and old, grungy and refined... it reflects a lot of the conflicts that make up what I consider to be "me." Also, I just really like the vibe of chaotic industrial zones and rusty metal combined with a shining city in the distance, lol.

Regarding particularly influential media: pretty much anyone who's taken a glance at my blog will know immediately that Arknights is one of my biggest influences. it's basically all i draw nowadays... whenever I'm not thinking about Responsibilities and Adult Life i'm usually thinking about either Arknights or Ado (<3).

before Arknights, I spent a long time drawing fanart and fan-characters inspired by How to Train Your Dragon. Both the visual and musical aspects of that series still have a very dear place in my heart, even if I don't engage much with the community anymore. I actually only really started drawing not-dragons about 3 or 4 years ago at this point. Something I have been thinking about a lot recently is how I can go back to drawing more creatures alongside my humanoid subjects, since it's not something I've done very much recently.

Gradually I began to find more friends in the art community, and I think I'm very influenced by those people as well! It isn't a competition, of course, but being around people who are also pushing to improve is a big motivator when I am feeling low on passion. "I want to stand together with them at the top of world one day", is how I often feel. I really want to work on a collaborative project with other artists someday as well. Trying to build my skill is partially because I want to better express my ideas, but also because I want to inspire and be inspired by other creators. :D I think my art has been evolving at a pretty good pace recently because of these motivators.. the friends and regulars (including you, burstfoot!!) that visit my blog regularly here really motivate me too!!

and lastly, I'm at a point in my life where I feel that if I can't get this art thing off the ground, I will probably have to give up on pursuing it properly soon... so it's partially desperation that is inspiring me to change and try new ways of expression as well :,]

[ thank you for the ask!! ]

[littlespacereader]

Happy Bad Batch Eve!

Any Bad Batch Fans out here?👀🙌🔥

I’m a huge Star Wars fan and one of the series I am OBSESSED with is The Bad Batch!

Being a huge Clone Wars fan for years, I really fell in love with the group of clone since the moment we first met them in Season 7. Now it’s the 3rd and final season of the Bad Batch and I have been so hyped!

Last Wednesday was the first day of the new season with 3 episodes dropping. I live on the east coast of the United States…meaning when the show drops a new episode it’s 3am here for me. Does that stop me? Hell no! I went to bed at 4:30 last Wednesday after watching all the episodes and while I was dead the next day it was amazing!! Here’s my little set up before watching the show:

I’m posting this not only to talk about one of my favorite shows! But also to ask if anyone else likes the show and would like to see content for it? I would love to start writing fics or Headcannons for this show but I wanted to see if there’s an audience for it.

I can totally see all of the Bad Batch, Hunter, Wrecker, Tech, Echo and even Crosshair as Caregivers! Keeping with the clones I can also see Rex and Cody as CGs as well! Omega gives such Little vibes too! They would be so much fun to write with a Little reader!

If you’re a fan of the show, what do you think of the new season so far? I absolutely love the storytelling and can’t wait to see where they take it!!😆 What do you think will happen in tomorrow’s episode?👀

And before anyone asks, yes Tech & Crosshair are my favorites if the photos didn’t give it away already😂

[slexenskee]

Hey :)

I like your playlists and I found lots of new songs that way. Would you mind posting your spotify wrapped? I'm curious 👀

This just... made my year??? Omg thank you???!

Ok plot twist I don't actually use spotify 😅 I must be the only person on planet earth that switched back to an iPhone so I could use my iTunes again... but yeah I don't use a streaming service, but I do have my most played for the year! I uploaded it here - its on my instagram as a highlight reel!

For people who don't / can't access gram:

Most Played Songs by Month:

January: Mob by Eve

Shockingly my only Eve song for the year?? Last year I had like 3. Fight Song by Eve, one the CSM EDs, was my second most played Eve song but wasn't quite in my January Top 10

February: Shiki no Real by Chanceデラソウル

Suuuper groovy future funk remix of Shiki no Uta, the Samurai Champloo ED and one of my all time favorite/most played songs in my life lol

March: You Know How We Do It by Ice Cube

I go through a huge Dr. Dre/Ice Cube/Snoop phase every year and I'm not embarrassed to say it lol (also yes these are color coded by seasons bc my iTunes top playlists are separated by seasons idk why and yes that I am embarrassed about)

April: When Your Ex Says He Wants You Back by LTB Remix

I have no idea what the real name of this remix is?? I know it's a remix of When Your Ex Says He Wants You Back by Surface, but idk which one. On a related note no idea how I managed to get a full version, the only one I've found online is this version at the very beginning of this big mix

May: Deep Down by Neverdull

I will never pass up a song that samples Crystal Water's Gypsy Woman, and I am also a massive fan of everything Neverdull has put out, so it was no surprise this was my most played song when I discovered it and was in the Top 10 for several months after

June: Blame Brett by The Beaches

Omg man did I get obsessed with this band after this song. Also a huge fan of their other single Me & Me.

July: Disco by Surf Curse

I don't dislike Surf Curse but I don't listen to much else from them but this song, that always ends up on my Top 10 lists during summer. idk what it is but it's such a great beachy vibe for me. I genuinely cannot go to the beach without listening to it several times

August: Slingshot by Good Kid

Good Kid is actually my top artist of the year, and I'm thrilled to see it. It's really rare that I like so many songs off of a band's discography, and I think I have every single one of theirs. Also in my Top 10 for August was Alchemist, Osmosis, Tell me You Know, and No Time to Explain from them.

September: Honey by ID Chief

My favorite kind of future funk is when the original song isn't so spliced you can barely hear it, but there's still enough remix involved to really modernize the disco.

October: North Wind by Six Lounge

Shockingly enough I didn't actually listen to Ao no Sumika - arguably 'The' J-rock song of 2023 - very much even though I like that song a lot. I think I just can't handle my own feels, and tbh, as far as J-rock for this year goes I liked this ED from MHA more? I think the hook is just a little smoother and catchier imo.

November: From the Start by Good Kid

While I also love the bossa nova vibes of the original Laufey version, this cover is soooo freaking good. It definitely has summer anime OP vibes and there's actually an AMV using the first JJK S2 opening that gives me so many feels.

December: Standing Next to You by Jungkook

Ooof ok I'll come clean here I used to love k-pop back in 2014 and kind of got sick of the genre after EXO and F(x) broke up and was never into BTS or any of the new K-pop acts. But man this song slaps. I'm obviously a disco fan and there's some major disco grooves in this song

[lasi-nariyoyoreads]

hi, hello! first of all, i love how u style ur readings.. like how u do the blogs? if that make sense lol theyre cute!!!!

may i request a reading about what seonghwa looks for in a partner? (appearance, personality, etc.)

tyia and i appreciate u so much!

hope u jad an amazing christmas and new year's eve <3 i wish u an abundant year 💝

Seonghwa's ideal type

Aww, thank you so much! I also hope you had great holidays and I wish you a happy year ♥

Disclaimer:

My readings are made for fun and you should read them for fun too. So don't take them seriously. 

Cards: Wealth, effort, chance

This person should be elegant and feminine, this is the first thing I'm getting from the cards.

Someone that gives off a certain aura, probably better if with a stable income and with an interesting personality.

Someone good at taking care of themselves, with a good style, proper hair and make-up.

I can see something almost "regal" about this person, let's say he isn't looking for the broken girl/boy next door. This kinda gives me model vibes tbh.

Their personality should be like their outfit, tidy, regal, I'd say almost even cool, someone mature and successful.

I think he's also kinda traditionalist/romantic? Probably even a dreamer in the sense that his idea of love is pretty close to what you can find in fairy-tails or dramas.

A fairy tail that might go like: a beautiful person, he meets them out of the blue, there's a misunderstanding between them, they kinda dislike him at first and he has to work hard to finally win their heart.

Something like that. Which also somewhat fits with what I found about his FS, so he might manage to make his fantasies a reality.

I think he wants to be the active part when it comes to courtship, so he doesn't mind falling first and it excites him to invent strategies to conquer the other person. It seems like he might actually be attracted to people that are hard for him to reach, so someone that is already in a relationship or someone that shows no interest in him at all.

[hughungrybear]

Me watching Only Friends Final EP (12):

1. Ray-Sand-Boeing gives me possible throuple vibes 😂 However, with Ray's questions, I don't think he'll be truly down with it (Even after all his teasing that he would not mind a threesome).

2. Sand, your indecision putting you in that spot. You are not being fair to anyone, especially with Ray. And here, I thought Ray is the trash one.

3. Mew, don't ask Cheum for any relationship-related advice. I said it before, but that girl is a hopeless romantic idiot.

4. Oooh, Ray is never going to give up Sand to Boeing now.

5. Cheum, why the fvck do you care? You are still an idiot. I can't believe at the end of this all, I'm symphatizing with the self-professed a**hole, Boston.

6. The change in Top seems rather sudden and excessive. I really want to see the uncut version just to make sense of it all. Cross fingers P'Jojo will do it for the DVD version.

7. Boston and Nick 😌. I guess, all the sweetness is due to having a literal deadline to their relationship.

8. Yeah, Ray is the kind of crazy that no one would want to mess with. It also does not hurt that he came from a rich and powerful family that consequences to his actions almost mean nothing to him (I mean, he is even slightly enjoying his "punishment"/social work with kids). Boeing messed with the wrong crazy 😂

9. Top and Ray. Both are crazy rich (former) a**holes. It's a match made in bff heaven 😅😅😅

10. Boeing, dude, there are plenty of fishes in the ocean. Go pick unattached ones LOL. Preferably far away from this friend group 😂😂😂😂

11. Oh. My. Gawd. Boston, what the fvck are you doing? I guess, he is just allergic to monogamy. I just wished he didn't promised Nick he'll temporarily commit.

12. Yeah, Nick. Listen to Sand. If open relatioships is not your thing, then Boston is just not for you. Let him go. Try Daddy Dan instead. 😅

13. This might be the most awkward New Year's Eve party ever with half the group slept with each other at some point 😅 Also, playing Truth or Dare with this group is probably a recipe for disaster.

14. So, I guess this means Nick accepts whatever Boston can give 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

15. I saw that movie (Begin Again starring Keira Knightley and Mark Ruffalo)!!! 10 out of 10 would highly recommend. 👍👍👍👍

16. For a moment, I thought Boston would be giving Nick a plane ticket to New York. But I think this outcome is for the best. Nick should really love himself more than Boston (or anyone, for that matter). And Boston should stop making promises he could never keep.

17. Fire alarm killing the mood and bringing Top's old trauma. I guess, this is to bring things into full circle. Although, I don't believe this scene is necessary. P'Jojo could have cut this one and retain the scenes where Top's transformation began 😐

18. Mummy Yo and Daddy Plug giving their blessing to their adopted children 😂

Ah, so that's where Mixx came in 😂😂😂 And no, as much as I enjoyed this series, I really don't want a season 2. It's not good for my heart. Or sanity 😅😅😅😅

[vinnymauro]

make me write: 10k edition

hi it's that time again. i'll probably post these every sunday and have it run from tuesday to tuesday. it's really good motivation and i'd really love to get these done considering they're prompts that were sent to me so long ago i'm sure some of you forgot.

acey's poll breakdown

this poll is to determine which of my wips will be worked on for 1 week for a goal of 10k

in case of a tie, i'll split 5k between both

the writing won't start until tuesday 12 am and will end the following tuesday 12 am (est)

you may (and it's highly encouraged!!) periodically message me for snippets of which won

you may reblog and random people may vote idc

if you'd like to do this, may i point you to the original poll post that i'm basing this off. but also feel free to do what you want bc, after all, this is for fun!!

if before sunrise au wins (since i'm still working on it and getting close to finishing it) whatever will be left will go to second place.

the wips

another life

pairing: eddie munson x nancy wheeler prompt: things you said when we were on top of the world plot: musician!nancy wheeler & actor!eddie munson are getting a divorce! read all about it on page six. in an era of social media and high expectations, two people fell in love with versions of themselves they no longer know or recognize.

before sunrise au

pairing: steve harrington x argyle prompt: things you said under the stars and in the grass plot: before sunrise au but make it gay and silly and ridiculous. also giving argyle some strange ass lore is my vibe. they’re going to walk around vienna with absolutely no aim for anything. they talk to each other about shit they never told anyone else bc it isn’t like they’ll see each other again. one night to do something reckless. one night to fall in love with a stranger. note: this is close to being finished so yk vote with caution

city lights

pairing: eddie munson x nancy wheeler prompt: things you said when you thought i was asleep plot: affectionately called bartender au where nancy is a bartender, currently lost and trying to find herself in the new city she’s been living in for the past year. eddie is a musician in this but not terribly successful, playing small clubs here and there. there’s a past.

daydreams

pairing: jonathan byers x argyle prompt: things you said under the stars and in the grass / things you said at 1 am plot: a couple of dudes getting high in a van, hitting some golf balls, sitting on a picnic blanket obliviously falling in love under the stars.

tied pt 3

pairing: steve harrington x chrissy cunningham prompt: things you said when you thought i was asleep (pt 4 will also be this one) plot: the third part of tied me to you where there’s a funky little time jump and it’ll cover summer, fall and new years eve of 1990. steve’s point of view. this is where the when harry met sally vibes come in. going to keep the spoilers to a minimum since i haven’t posted pt 2 yet.

[highfiveheroes]

surprise SECOND fic ask!! from "i would have died for your sins, instead I just died inside" chapter two, the third and last section (starting with "It’s been four years. It’s snowing on Moonar Yulenear again", ending with "Jace breaks the phone again") literally haunts me on a daily basis; please give me the DVD commentary on all of that if you so wish!

THIS SCENE. THIS CHAPTER. FUCK MAN.

i wanted it to be such a clear contrast to the beginning of the fic with the naive, first year jace who's just in it for the good sex versus the jace who knows what's going on, hates what he's chosen, hates himself, and is still stuck in the same situation but so much worse. i think in between the beginning of the fic and this portion he's had that moment of "oh, porter never actually loved me, i was a fool the whole time, but i don't want to give it up". so now he's this close to the end and he's just...dealing with it. the whole vibe isn't a standout—it's standard now. he drinks, he gets pissed, he's supposed to be at porter's beck and call, and it just happens to be on the moonar yulenear eve.

instead of being young and hopeful, jace is bitter and jaded, and porter has been stringing him along until he's practically hung himself with the rope.

i also couldn't figure out the best way to include it, but the time jump between the texts is also kind of significant!! the first text ("I want you") is sent immediately after jace has hung up; porter doesn't call, and he doesn't text again, and it really has been three days, so the morning of the second day porter sends the second text ("i can't wait till you're dead") because he's pissed, because his minion isn't minioning anymore. and then the third day in the afternoon is when jace finally fixes his phone (yes, it's been broken the whole time, it's very funny to me)

(and as an aside for that specifically, jace is probably the one who would be watching the news, so if something happened in fallinel and it made it into the news he in theory should be the one who would have seen it; but since his phone was broken........)

this whole chapter was the preface to the jace is still almost a kid/porter is far too mature pipeline i went down. jace is being petulant and acting out because he's like a toddler that doesn't know how to control his rage most of the time. on the converse side, porter is teaching a whole host of students about rage as barbarian stuff, so obviously he doesn't let it get under his skin. the maturity difference has been there in what i've written from the beginning but this is where it really started to take root!!!

anyway. jace and porter, man. the DYNAMICS. (and honestly this is your fault, i keep talking about "did you hear the news (i could dissect you)" but it's one of my favorite fics i've read and it left SUCH a big impression and has more or less influenced every version of porter and jace i've written since <3

[kaesficrecarchive]

[taekook fic rec]

Just Say "Yes" (I'd Rather Have Everything Than Nothing At All) by Taecakes (3/3 | 23,164 | T)

It all starts with a tweet: KTH is giving me serious creeper vibes Against his better judgement, Taehyung clicks.

(canon compliant)

the family man by Vicky (Wikczi) (1/1 | 36,224 | M)

the one where Jeongguk is a successful businessman living his best life as a single alpha in New York City until a mysterious encounter on a night of Christmas Eve after which he wakes up mated and married to… his college boyfriend?

(a/b/o au, getting back together)

Even If You Don't Love Me by tigerbuns (1/1 | 37,505 | E)

Taehyung is desperate to save his kingdom and Jeongguk agrees to form an alliance with him on one condition: Marriage.

(arranged marriage, royalty)

such a beautiful scar by autumnstae (1/1 | 38,782 | T)

“Don’t be,” Taehyung responds, his voice low—a whisper of a word. He looks up, a palm reaching out to grasp Jeongguk’s hand, which lay flat on his cheek, “go out there and kick some butt, Spidey. I’m rooting for you.” And Jeongguk looks like he wants to say more, his head tilting, mouth slightly ajar—but he decides against it, retracting his arm from Taehyung’s hold. A kiss to the forehead, as always—his lips, for once, cold, sickly against his skin—before he’s suited up, shooting his webs, and out the window. Taehyung watches silently. Jeongguk doesn’t look back. Whoever says that being Spiderman’s best friend is an unmatched, priceless perk clearly hasn’t been in love with the guy, he supposes.

(spideykook au)

LACUNA by meganni (1/1 | 48,041 | E)

Jeon Jeongguk is an uprising boxer, in dire need of a sponsor; Kim Taehyung is a supermodel, just as desperate to find a partner in crime to cheat out an entire family wealth with – upon meeting, they cannot help but get tangled. (Despite the fact they can barely stand each other, but oh well, destiny plays its own hand as well.)

(boxer jk, model/chaebol tae)

Something To Do With Hands by lethallergic (1/1 | 49,739 | E)

“It’s a lot like falling in love with a city you’ve never been to.”

(canon compliant, friends to lovers)

boyfriends with benefits (love for show) by kvhnoir (1/1 | 53,567 | M)

where taehyung, the perfect role model is too tired of being perfect and releases his frustrations through rebelling chaebol jeon jeongguk and well it gets too dramatic, both their feelings and their lives

(pwp)

Try Hard by meganni (1/1 | 58,704 | E)

With years of rivalry at hand, one can clearly point out that rebellious prodigy Kim Taehyung and golden boy Jeon Jeongguk simply can’t stand each other. And then suddenly comes out a rumor about said Jeongguk being fucking hung and Taehyung wants to punch him in the face even more than before (he also kind of wants to suck his dick, but that’s beside the point).

(enemies to lovers)

summer; blue by batman (1/1 | 66,024 | M)

More than you can manage, more than you can hide: a study in light.

(magical realism)

this is my heart (dive deep) by serenitaes (6/6 | 80,653 | M)

Kim Taehyung wasn’t looking for love but still, it found him anyway. Surely by now, everyone knows that some of the best things in life appear when you least expect them and Taehyung certainly wasn't expecting to fall for Jeon Jeongguk as effortlessly as he did. (Or an au where single father Taehyung is on the search for an in-house chef to compensate for his barely-there cooking skills. When the opportunity appears to hire professional chef Jeongguk, Taehyung is blindsided with how perfectly Jeongguk settles into their lives, making a home in not only his son’s heart but his too.)

(single parent tae, chef jk)

with time by taecheeks (19/19 | 182,313 | E)

Future Alpha Taehyung's parents send his ex best friend, future second in command Jeongguk to university with him. Taehyung's annoyed. Jeongguk takes his duties too seriously for reasons. There's only one bed.

(wolf au, NOT a/b/o)

[plural-culture-is]

Im questioning wether i should even ask, im so hesitant about this.

Every time i go into a depressive period, i question in im really trans, if im really plural, ocd kicks in and worries about ways i might be awful.

So bear with me, if you dont answer this or the answer is painfully obvious or whatever i wouldn’t hold it against you.

As a young child i was severely abused by my father, and when we got away there was a period i don’t remember where i was in “psychosis” (quotes bc uncertainty), where i became an ape and was lost. I have only one memory from that time, where i came out of that to my mother calling my name and holding me. I only know of this time period because my mom told me about it.

Much later, when i was lonely i started to have imaginary friends, and i told my mom about them and she actually introduced the very beginning concept of tulpas to me and idfk why but she said that if they become aware and i stop being their friend they may get angry, and that sentient imaginary friends are called a tulpa. I worried about this, and idk if it was just my paranoia or something else but i did start to actualy get a vibe from my main imaginary friend like awareness, i could almost feel thoughts happening that were just sorta beyond a barrier. I stopped before anything else could happen, and i cried to my mom i was worried that my imaginary friend would hate me and become malevolent. She said that i’ll be alright, and that my imaginary friend probably still loves me.

(This is where things get confusing)

Few years gap, i am still very lonely but probably more, i start having the beginning signs of depression i think.

My mom started getting into new age stuff and psychic things, and i asked for a pendulum of my own to talk to spirits, one of which i formed a relationship with and even a “psychic link” (talking to eachother with our minds) and at some point after intrusive thoughts, some unhappiness and this other voice that would pretend to be that one, i stopped for fear of getting posessed.

Around this time, watched and listened to a lot more conspiracy theories in my house than we did before, stuff like you’d find on Gaia TV or Joe Rogan and others to give well-known examples. I would hear about people contacting or being contacted psychically by aliens, notably these ones colloquially called the Blue Avians. There was also a videogame i played at the time with alien bird people too. In anycase, i was lonely (and tbh kinda grieving no longer talking to the spirit one?) got the idea to deliberately try and make a psychic link out in the universe and i made one, i managed to talk to a blue avian and started what i thought a romantic relationship looked like with them. I talked to and interacted with them every day, very often. I eventually met another two “aliens” through them and now i was talking to 2-3 beings mentally for a while, while they told me about life in their world.

I went through a lot of denial and that i was crazy or it was in my head, which i mean yeah. I later remembered what my mom told me about years ago: tulpas. That sounds about right. And with my new internet access i looked into it, i found i was already doing what those people were or atleast i was pretty sure. But some things werent adding up, many of them said a tulpa was more a mental construct and that they 1, couldnt be mean to you for example, 2, couldnt talk besides when you wanted them to and so on, mine were too autonomous i guess. In anycase, i continued but acted both as if they were real alien beings elsewhere and a mental construction for a while. At some point then i found out about DID and saw eery similarities, that was my second theory about what was going on. At around this time i broke away from the conspiracy aliens thing, and started thinking more about spirits, and would talk to random and re-occuring ones often. At around this point but maybe well before i started to fall into psychosis and a lot of intrusive thoughts and even hallucinations. At this point i was going through a lot and all these conflicting and inconsistent worldviews were starting to get to me, aswell as me starting to realize but not knowing outright that i was queer. I learned more things that werent conspiracy theories or new age stuff, and i finally broke. I describe it as litterally there was countless pieces of my mind fighting eachother, as verbally and not and everything was clashing. I am not using metaphore here. I felt separated from my body and in a haze, much like when im co-conscious and not in “the driver’s seat”. I fell further into psychosis too. Eventually something was said that made my different conflicting worldviews a little more compatible on paper, and i survived. Then was recovery, still talking to “spirits” and stuff and even aliens. Up to and before this point my family was obsessed with “shadow work”, aka forcing yourself to look at trauma unessecarily. I was partly doing this bc i worried that me being queer was somehow from my father abusing me as a child. This is part of what contributed to that shattering.

So skipping a bunch of tedium, i started operating as if i was plural after a while of debunking stuff , i figured out that yes i definitely am queer and that its not a bad thing, but i still had doubts.

I still talk to my presumed alters often, but there is some funny business:

After setting up some walls or rooms in headspace, they don’t intrude as much and i dont hear them unless i wanna and vice versa

Im struggling to tell if its my internal echolalia or if its me saying everything they say, and sometimes the line is blurrier

They can say things on their own even things that surprise me, but so can i sorta

im almost certain we can’t full switch, or if we can im not sure if i will have any experience while the other is fronting, does this make us monoconscious?

We can go co-conscious pretty much on demand whenever we feel like it, and we can do a partial switch too i just have to relax and allow it

Im pretty much always fronting fully or partially, and always watching when another is fronting

I cant mentally hear them when i talk too, i either have to go quiet or pause for them, and when i do talk it either is too much chatter i cant process or i automaticaly somehow mute my minds ears to them. But, due to autism, talking even to ppl outside my head is like this where i either speak or listen no inbetween

I want to hopefully finally solve this and get on with my life. Thanks for reading/answering if you do

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