#There's a reason I spent Christmas and my birthday alone | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

skvaderarts · 16 days ago

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I bet Viktor's birthday gets overshadowed during the holidays every year, so hear's a fic about a time that didn't happen. Happy Birthday, Viktor!

Seasonally Affected: AO3 Link

Summary: Word Count 5K

Upon returning to the lab after a few days off for the holidays, Jayce realizes that Viktor never left and missed the festivities. Horrified by this revelation, he resolves to give him a taste of the holiday he spent alone for the sake of progressing their shared dream of bringing Hextech to the masses. And there's only one way he knows how to do that: A birthday celebration he'll never forget.

Set later the same year that they met, I thought it would be fun to explore a time when they were still figuring everything out and developing some of the bad and good habits they would carry with them over the years. This is actually my first Arcane fic so hello Jayvik community!

Seasonally Affected

Note: A quick thank you to Moss (WickedCrescent) on Bluesky for giving me the inspiration for this. I didn’t think my first-ever Arcane fanfic would be a Christmas/birthday one-shot, but here we are! Sorry it’s arriving after the holiday. Happy birthday, Viktor!

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The roads that led to upper Piltover had glazed over days ago, ice and snow settling into the cobbled streets and blanketing every surface available with a sturdy coating of sparkling white. Everything was frosted over from the highest windows to the roofs at the lower edges of the district. A chill clung to the wind. Just cold enough to cause anyone who ventured outside to second guess their reasons for doing so, but not to stop them entirely.

Cold had been a touchy subject for Jayce for years now. Ever since that day in the snowy mountains with his mother, he’d quaked just that little bit harder in the face of winter’s grip. But, in that same breath, he acknowledged the formative effect that it had on his life. What it had nearly taken from him it had returned in different ways.

The chill of cold air made his skin tingle all the more, but it also reminded him of the day he’d witnessed magic with his very own eyes. The day he’d received a tantalizing glimpse into the Arcane. The day an unknown stranger possessing power and gifts too vast for his mind to comprehend had materialized from the storm itself and whisked his mother and him to safety. Not a single word had been exchanged between them, and yet, he’d given the young boy everything. The rune that he now wore around his wrist serving as his compass, his life’s motivation and calling, and more recently, someone he dared call a friend. And a friend who shared that same passion for the potential good their shared dream could do.

He wouldn’t complain about the cold. Not now. Not when it had brought such warmth into his life.

Slipping through the front door of the main building to the campus, he was greeted with an array of holiday decorations. Brillant silvers and blues, reds and golds adorned the walls, windows, and even the ceiling as banners draped down from above and helped contribute a festive flare to the already ornate building. He had to be one of the only people there, especially at such a late hour. They’d officially closed the place to the public over the holiday, so people would start to filter back in during the next day or so. It was open to faculty, but few were taking up the opportunity to work over the holidays.

Most people were at home with their friends and families, spending time with their loved ones. Opening gifts with their children and making treasured memories to look back on later. Something he’d just done himself, actually. But before he settled in for more holiday fun, there was something he needed to take care of. Something that had been bugging him ever since he’d left two days prior. He would grab a few things and then return home to run a few experiments in his downtime between the seasons' festivities. Nothing too illegal and certainly not dangerous. Then his mind could relax.

Maybe. Probably not.

The office they currently shared was temporary. Renovations were underway to provide something more… reinforced for some of their more delicate experiments. So in the meantime, they’d been focusing on medium-scale projects and prototypes and getting their ideas down on paper. Having a concrete base to work with. Something that sounded dull on paper but they both genuinely enjoyed it. The room might be small, but it worked, and that was all that mattered for their purposes.

That being said, the building had a nice view of the city and the bay. Of the Undercity. The place where his office mate hailed from. The place that drove him towards their shared dream of progress and helping the downtrodden. A place so inhospitable to outsiders that he’d stuck out like a sore thumb the one time he’d ventured down there. They’d needed materials from there since his last trip, but he’d been talked out of going himself. His partner insisted he go instead. That he knew the place better. And he believed him but he just…

He hoped they could do something to help sooner rather than later. If the little taste of the place he’d received during his singular trip below was any inkling of the general quality of life down there, then it was a land rife with a need for the benefits of Hextech.

Everything seemed to keep pulling him in a thousand different directions, so many of which seemed to be headed way from what they hoped to accomplish together. He felt more popular than ever these days. Ever since the Distinguished Innovators Competition a few months back, they’d been inundated with requests for meetings and offers for deals of various sorts with seemingly every person who was of even marginal importance in Piltover. Well, Jayce had been, to be more specific. He’d observed that the general public was as eager to recognize the existence of his newfound partner as said partner was about speaking publicly again. Jayce had barely kept it together, but at least he’d been able to speak…

For all his strengths, he’d found Viktor’s one weakness. Public speaking.

They’d gotten a few words out of him, but they’d had to turn up the microphone initially to be able to hear him. The sudden volume adjustment had startled him more, stunning him for a moment before he’d shaken off the nerves and finished his portion of the speech. He’d then handed the microphone back to Jayce with grace and proceeded to conceal his eternal screaming for the rest of the presentation, something he’d done an admirable job at. From a distance, at least.

Jayce hoped that he’d be able to help him with that in the coming year. He was just better at explaining certain things than he was, and his contributions wouldn’t be ignored. Not if he had anything to say about it. He might’ve come up with the concept of Hextech, but it wouldn’t exist without both of them. They were its parents in a sense. Jayce had been stumped for a while before Viktor had come along, and he’d cracked it so fast. Almost as though it were something they’d been destined to create together. Something they needed to bring to fruition with their combined passion for innovation and prosperity. A sense of responsibility for others so tangible that they could not deny it. They had the answers within their grasp. Now they only needed to work out the details.

Approaching the door Jayce unlocked it and pushed it open. It took his eyes a moment to adjust to the dim light as he stepped in and closed the door, but as soon as they did, the first thing he noticed was the chalkboard. It spanned the back wall on one side of the room. The side of the room that had ended up being Viktor’s.

It was full. Spiraling lines and complex diagrams. Algorithms and equations that would stump some of the greatest mathematicians of their time containing symbols both conventional and magical that would cause the average bystander to blank. Several sections were circled in different colors of chalk with lines denoting their importance. A few were linked together by rows of lines in an attempt to reconcile what importance they might have to the system as it stood as a whole. It was as intriguing to behold as it had to be time-consuming to work out.

It seemed that the same thing that had been keeping him up at night had been on Viktor’s mind, too.

Turning to face the built-in desk at the far side of the room, Jayce was greeted with a sight he half expected to see after being greeted by that chalkboard but still slightly hoped he wouldn’t. Viktor was slumped over the desk, still working something out and seemingly just out of it enough to have not noticed that he’d entered the room. Initially. He straightened up the instant that he started to make his way over to that side of the room, taking the arm he’d been sleeping on and using it to prop himself up before rubbing his face with both of his hands and then running them back through his hair, visibly trying to shake off his lack of sleep. He’d probably just dozed off not that long ago.

“Jayce. I didn’t notice you came in. Your holiday was pleasant, I presume?”

He certainly sounded like a man who’d been asleep at his desk, that was for certain. Slightly groggy but otherwise himself. Perhaps that was because he always seemed to be that way these days; costing on an insufficient amount of sleep. Wiling away the hours working on some new advancement. And it showed. The breakneck pace that Hextech was advancing at was something that no one person could ever hope to achieve alone. Not with any sense of realism. But together they’d made great progress. Jayce just couldn't hope but notice that a good portion of that progress came at the expense of his partner’s sleep. No matter how early he came in Viktor always beat him there. And he was starting to come to the sobering realization that was because he never went home.

Even over the holidays.

“It’s been great so far. You should swing by. I’m sure my mom would love to see you.” Jayce responded, not immediately leading into the elephant in the room. He would ask him about the equation later unless he went there first. But the offer was genuine, just like everything else about him. About both of them. He’d love to talk him into coming over and spending a little time away from it all, even if it was something they both loved so dearly. “You… haven’t been here the entire time, have you?”

He shrugged nonchalantly, adjusting his neck by tilting it from side to side. He blinked slowly, struggling to keep his eyes open. “There was so much to be done.”

It was the truth, plain and simple. And yet.

“It’s late. Maybe get some rest and come back tomorrow?” Jayce said with a pleasant air that disguised his growing concern for his friend’s lack of meaningful sleep. He leaned against the desk next to him, putting a supportive hand on his shoulder as he spoke just that little bit softer. “The deadline for the reports is still a while off. We have plenty of time. And I know that chair has to feel harder than the floor right about now.”

“It has for a while now, yes,” Viktor admitted, splitting his attention between trying to speak with him and trying to recall what he’d been working on before he’d dozed off. He wasn’t going to argue against that point. Sometimes it felt like he entered a sort of fugue state sometimes when he started crunching numbers. Time just stopped becoming a factor, even if he could feel the passage of time taking its toll nonetheless. He didn’t budge though. Didn’t move to stand. Didn’t even consider grabbing his cane and doing something about that. Continuing to play catch up with himself. On some subconscious level, they both knew he needed to walk away from this for a while and revisit it with a fresh mind, the the itch to keep going and ignore the consequences of pushing his upper limits was there. He was so close to figuring this out. Just a little more time…

Something occurred to Jayce at that moment. Dawning on him out of the blue as he realized he was losing the battle he’d barely started to get Viktor to just go home for a few hours and get some rest.

“Wait… Isn’t your birthday tomorrow? I remember prying that out of you a while back. Right after the holiday, right?”

Probably something else about him that was overshadowed by something bigger.

Viktor stopped writing and looked up, a mixture of confusion with a twinge of annoyance on his face. He seemed to wonder where the question had suddenly come from but didn’t say as much, instead focusing on his work again. “What day is it?”

Jayce gave him a strange look. Had he really been here so long that he’d forgotten the date? Did he even know what day of the week it was? How long had he been there before the winter recess had even begun? “Um, the 28th. For a few more hours, at least.”

“Oh. I didn’t realize that. I think I’ve been sitting here a little longer than I expected.” He ran his palms down his face again, inhaling deeply at the sensation his tired eyelids felt as he did so. They tingled, bordering on sore. “The formulation still needs so much work…”

“It looks fantastic so far. And you can tell me all about it. First thing tomorrow.”

Viktor sighed. He didn’t give him a yes or a no. Instead, he slowly pulled himself to his feet, grasping his cane as he let out a tired sigh. It wasn’t directed at Jayce. He genuinely just needed to sleep. Jayce was right about that. No matter how many times he stared at the blueprints he’d been working on they weren’t going to make more sense. He needed to reset. Then they could work on this together. Something to look forward to.

Little did Viktor know that Jayce wouldn’t actually be leaving. At least, not for long. Jayce had something in mind. He just needed him to leave first.

“Great, I’ll lock up behind you. What I came here for can wait a few more hours.” Jayce wasn’t a gifted liar by any means, but perhaps if he just remained calm that wouldn’t matter.

Nodding in agreement the pair headed to the door. Jayce waited for Viktor to grab his own coat, never having taken his own off before exiting the room and locking everything up behind them. They were probably the only ones here, and now the building would go quiet. Just for a little while.

Making their way down the floors that let out to the main street, Jayce resolved to walk Viktor home. He didn’t need to ask. It was just one of those things that his partner sometimes let him do. It wasn’t any hardship on his part. Viktor didn’t live far from the lab, and Jayce didn’t live far from him. On the same block, in fact. Call it convenience or happenstance, either explanation applied. And yet they never met up outside of office hours. Work-life balance was a fine art and they were both failing at it, it seemed.

They continued along together, chatting quietly more in an effort to stay awake than anything else. Although he was nowhere near the level of sleep-deprived that Viktor was, Jayce still had to admit to being a little tired himself. It had been a long but enjoyable day, and with what he had planned taken into consideration he got the impression that tomorrow would be another flavor of the same. He hoped.

It didn’t take them long to reach Viktor’s residence. Both of their personal residences resided within an area filled with lush green gardens and trees, the leaves of which were mostly gone save for a few evergreens. Typical of that region of Piltover, and yet so extravagant in comparison to some other parts of time if only for how established they were. How settled the whole place felt. It was quiet as the snow began to fall again, soon to cover their tracks. They needed to go their separate ways. The sun had already set and Jayce was running out of time.

“Goodnight, Jayce.” He’d beaten him to the punch this time around. Perhaps he was just too tired for a long goodbye. He hoped the walkover had drained him enough to make him go straight to bed and not sit up for another hour or two fiddling with something where he’d inevitably doze off in an uncomfortable position, but he’d done all he could for now. Viktor could take care of himself. He just hoped he chose to this time around instead of pushing himself too hard. A bad habit they both shared.

Goodnight, Viktor.” He didn’t know why they lingered there after saying their goodbyes, but they did. Even if only for a minute standing several yards apart at different elevations all together, Jayce on the street level and Viktor above him in a rare case of being taller than him. It was the front stoop doing all the legwork, but still. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had to look up at his shorter companion.

The tired man gave him a small, tired smile accompanied by a single wave before going through the door and closing it behind himself. It clicked behind him and then everything was silent again, save for a gust of wind through the trees that settled as soon as it started. Jayce stood there for a moment, contemplating his next move as he gripped his coat just a little tighter. He would walk to the end of the street, just in case. And then he would go from there.

His first stop as soon as he left Viktor’s potential line of sight was the markets. What few were still open would suffice. For what he had planned he didn’t need to be anything complicated-

Yes, it did.

Jayce wasn’t a man to do things by half measures, at least not intentionally. He liked to think so, anyway. And this was something it shouldn’t be hard to get right. At least on paper. He didn’t know how Viktor would react to being surprised since he’d never attempted to surprise him before, but he hoped he liked it. He really did.

As always, shopping for anything during the holidays took twice as long as he assumed it would, but the hardest part was getting everything back to the lab without his arms giving up the ghost. He resolved to make two trips; one for decorations and one to find something, anything to give him that he might like.

“But what could that even be” He wondered to himself as he looked around, hoping that something might catch his eye at one of the last stalls that were still open at such an advanced hour. And surprisingly enough, something managed to.

A diminutive little cactus.

It was a prickly little thing, indelicate but with an undeniable sense of interest and nuance. Ever so slightly lopsided, perhaps a result of unideal growing conditions that had rendered it undesirable to others who might have picked it. Nothing that couldn’t be helped along a better path if given a chance. Still a unique and beautiful thing, especially if someone was willing to put in the work to nurture it a little. And yet somehow still blooming in the dead of winter. At night, no less.

It reminded him of someone.

It was perfect.

Jayce returned to the office, just a little too excited before remembering that he still had to decorate. House Talis red and gold were too festive to pass up for something like this. He didn’t even think about it at the time. He just picked the colors and went from there. And as the first and second hours flew by and in a haze of movement he gradually slowed down. The need to sleep, even if only for a little while, became too powerful to ignore. All the hard parts were done. He’d tackled them first. He just had a handful of little touches to add here and there and it would be as close to perfect as it could be given what he had on hand.

Opting to take a break for a little while, he sat down in his own chair at the desk opposite to Viktor’s and before long he dozed off. When he awoke he immediately noticed the passage of time. It was faint, but he could see the morning light reflecting off the waters of the bay, far off in the distance. It had been a few hours at least. He had a few things to see to before the sun reached any higher in the sky.

Dragging himself to his feet he opted to fix something to drink. It was cold out still. The perfect weather for Sweetmilk. He knew his friend loved the stuff, so he made sure to top off the supplies required to make it wherever it dwindled. Now if he could just remember how much sugar he was supposed to put in it. Was it two scoops? Two scoops. Surely. That was something he would normally remember, but it seemed that his inadequate sleeping hours had put him in something of a haze. He’d shake it off eventually. He had a long day ahead of him.

With the drinks prepared but still too hot to drink, he sat both mugs down on the desk and then sat down himself, right where he’d been a few short minutes earlier.

Perhaps he could rest his eyes for a few more minutes. And maybe a few dozen more after that. Dawn had barely broken, after all. There was no way that-

Suddenly the click of something beyond the door became perceptible. It was faint, but he knew that sound anywhere. As if the essence of one of the crystals they’d been working on had been suffused into his very veins, he found himself wide awake. He sidestepped the chair as he stood to avoid getting tangled in it before going to adjust the lights. Well, to light a few additional candles that he’d procured to make the room less dark on such a gloomy day, but the point still stood.

Moments later the door unlocked and Viktor entered their shared space, immediately doing a noticeable doubletake at the state of the lab. From the ceiling above them to the surface of their long, shared desk, no surface had been left untouched. Jayce had evidently found notable satisfaction in placing things here and there to spruce up the place. But the most notable feature by far was the tree he’d taken the time to set up.

It was taller than Jayce was, something that had made maneuvering it into place something of a challenge, but when had he ever backed down from one of those anyway?

Viktor walked around the space silently taking in everything, his expression hard to read. He seemed genuinely baffled that his companion had gone to such lengths. What had possessed him to do such a thing so suddenly?

“Jayce where did the tree-”

“Surprise!” He interrupted, approaching him and handing him one of the two mugs he’d prepared as the shorter of the two shrugged out of this winter coat, draping it over the back of his chair. He turned around, a certain glimmer of curiosity in his eyes. Or perhaps it was the decorations. Who was to say? He didn’t look annoyed or dissatisfied, and that was a good start as far as Jayce was concerned.

“Happy birthday! I figured since you missed all the celebrations by being here we couldn’t miss today, too.”

Viktor stared at him incredulously, accepting the mug. The warmth was pleasant to his cold hands in the same way that the warmth of the room itself was pleasant to behold. Or perhaps that was an effect of standing near Jayce. He did exude a certain comforting warmth. Like a walking blanket.

“It’s not a big deal, Jayce. You didn’t have to go to such trouble.”

“I know you think that, but I thought,” He wasn’t sure quite how to express what was on his mind, so he decided to just spit it out. “I feel like our lives have changed so much in the last couple of months. That we’ve really gotten to know each other. We both work so hard on our shared dream- you especially lately. I just wanted to make sure you knew I didn’t forget about you despite everything else that’s been taking up our time.”

Viktor tilted his head slightly to one side. It was barely perceptible, just like the humbled little smile that crossed his face before he decided to indulge in his drink. Once he was done, he looked up again, as amused as he was oddly touched by the gesture. Never once in a million years had he expected someone to do something this kind for him. This thoughtful. Jayce was something special. Truly.

Setting his now empty mug down, Jayce walked over with a small box, offering to hold the cup for his lab partner as he regarded the bow with a look of disbelief. He looked like it was the first time he’d ever been given. Maybe it was. “I don’t know if they bother with this sort of thing where you’re from, but still. Maybe we can make it our yearly tradition?”

If not somewhat reluctantly, he took the box, lifting the decorated lid and beholding the tiny potted plant within. It was a showy thing, the kind of box that opened on all four sides when you removed the lid, falling open in his hand. A sparkle of something so pure in his eyes that it rendered him breathless for an instant. It reminded Jayce of the night they’d had their breakthrough with Hextech, the two of them drifting joyfully among their possibilities that were not fathomable when the two of them faced them together.

He’d picked the right gift. He could tell.

Stepping away to set the delicate little thing down in front of the window that sat at the heart of their space, Viktor then retreated to his coat and seemed to search for something before withdrawing the scarf that he’d worn over that day. A new one, by the looks of it. Or, at least one Jayce had never seen before. He leaned his cane against the desk for a moment and then folded the garment carefully before extending his hand to Jayce.

“Here. Maybe your neck won’t be as cold.” He said, gently placing the now folded garment into Jayce’s hand. Jayce, understandably, was surprised by the gesture. He’d seemed to like that scarf quite a bit and it was very nicely made. Knitted delicately in shades that matched both of their clothing due to their propensity to wear matching colors. It was such a rarity that Viktor bought new things for himself like this…

“Viktor I-” He started to protest but then thought better of himself. Why had he ever thought that this would be a one-sided exchange? That wasn’t how it worked with Viktor and it never would be. Returning kindness with kindness was simply who they were. It was why they were here. What brought them together and kept them close. “Thank you, Viktor.”

Nodding, Viktor’s eyes had drifted over towards the end of his own desk, noticing for the first time that Jayce had seemingly brought them breakfast. Lunch? Food. The name of the meal didn’t matter when you worked hours this atypical. But the sentiment did and he appreciated the gesture. “Thank you, Jayce.”

He tried to shrug it off as being no big deal but the flush in his face and the pleased look on his face told on him more than he realized. A look that was replaced a moment later by a yawn. Perhaps drinking a hot drink in a cozy room on a snowy day was not a good way to stay awake, after all. He blinked, his eyes watering slightly as he tried to play off his tiredness despite the rate at which it was catching up with him. Maybe it was time to sit down for a moment and just rest. Something that he did without giving it much thought.

“Eh. Maybe you should get some sleep?” He looked almost too happy to have the chance to throw that one back at him so soon. Still, the statement was genuine and held truth. They were like the sun and the moon fighting the tide. Two forces forever in flux but balanced all the same. They’d get back on the same schedule with one another. Eventually. “I have plenty to do to keep myself busy.”

The taller of the two shook his head and settled into his desk chair, leaning his arm against the desk and his head against his arm. He closed his eyes and let out a yawn, nodding. “I need maybe thirty minutes and then I’ll be right with you.”

Viktor didn’t confirm or disapprove of his request in any way. He would let thirty minutes turn into sixty and then sixty into one hundred and twenty with no intention of waking him from his slumber. Maybe they both needed more sleep while they could get it.

He would let him sleep in. He’d more than earned it through sentimentality alone. Maybe by then Viktor’s own work would make sense to him again.

Jayce never explained where all the scarves came from as the years passed, and the collection of strange cactuses and succulents that seemed to gradually spring up from nowhere grew ever larger in what little window space they had at the lab until one day Viktor finally took them home with him; only to come back the next day and find a new one on his desk with no explanation. A leafy green thing with thick spines and colored tips. Hardy and resilient but never lacking in beauty. Jayce was sure he’d seen him smile as he held the pot up, placing it in the window where it stood the best chance of survival.

That thing never managed to die.

He had such a way with plants.

Maybe one of these days he’d get him to come over for the holidays, after all.

—

Well, THIS got tooth rottingly sentimental, didn’t it lol? I really hope it was decent. I’ve never written anything Arcane-related before so phew! Writing dialogue between these two is a fun challenge. I have more in store since I keep receiving requests. I have two AUs that I’m cooking up, so check out my Tumblr and my Bluesky if you want more in-depth info on that. The links are in my bio. Until then, I hope you enjoyed this! Let me know if it was any good. You have a great holiday season, everyone! Thanks again for reading! Have a great day.

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jonathan-cranes-mistress-of-fear · 7 months ago

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A humble request

I'm reaching out to the community for what may seem like a selfish reason, but something in my heart says that I gotta try. Asking for help is better than wallowing in sorrow.

My birthday is coming up next month, July 15. With the way things are going, this will probably be my first birthday spent alone, or at least, without mom (Unless things change radically, she won't be home by then or likely any time within the next few months) Now you gotta understand, I was born a year after my mom lost a child due to a deformity that is so severe and so rare, the baby never survives or makes it to birth. She wanted me badly, and while I struggle with that some days....I know I mean a lot to her.

Mom cared so much that she ALWAYS made Christmas and birthday special. She would fulfill my lists if she had the money (as I got older I grew guilty, and would often ask for less as years went on) and she always made sure I got something I wanted. Many times she would surprise me with gifts I didn't even know I wanted. Last Christmas, it was a beautiful coyote pelt. Do ya'll remember the btas scarecrow cake, or the handmade cupcakes with the fear symbol? She made those happen. She even paid to fly my brother (my hero) from Seattle to Kansas City for an event while I was taking classes at KCAI

I...don't think, unless dad gets me something, which he hinted he would but....I wont have that "special" surprise gift from mom. I could live without my amazon wish list, that's whatever. it's the way she always made that day matter that I'm going to miss. I'm crying typing this...

So, that's why I'd like to ask something of the rogues fandom

Could the artists, writers, crafters, creatives....come together and make sure that day isn't miserable? I'm not lying when I say I can count on my finger the days I've gone without crying or breaking down in someway since March. To put it bluntly and selfishly, I'm asking for some art, maybe a doodle of jon (or dm me for other characters I like!) or a little drabble about a headcanon I like. I wanna wake up on the 15th with my inbox full of love. I'm not asking for you to slave over photoshop for hours, but just something simple to make the day less depressing. When I told ya'll about my bad day and asked for positive messages, I woke up the next day with 20+ of them. That meant so much.

And all I want is to spend my birthday happy, and not in tears.

I'm sorry to sound so greedy....but y'all have shown me many times over, that internet strangers can show the most amazing amount love and care. And honestly, gift art would matter way more than physical things. Every single time you guys make me something, I save it to a gift art folder on my computer. I save every single thing.

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 7 months ago

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AITA in this friendship? give me a minute here, it's more complicated than it sounds

I'm 19 years old, female. So there's this friend, we'll call her B (also 19F). We've been friends for years, since elementary. We've been good friends for that time, I thought.

But especially during high school, it was hard to spend time with her. She was always convinced the friend group hated her even though all I'd ever hear was that they liked her and were confused/frustrated/hurt as to why she thought that. She's always had a lot of mental illness going on (depression, anxiety, ADHD, etc) so I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. She spent most of her time in another part of the school refusing to spend time with me or the friend group saying she wanted "alone time" even though she was surrounded by other friends.

I knew she was feeling unwanted within the friend group, so I tried to spend time with her when she would let me. But it kind of alienated me from the rest of the friend group so I spent a good portion of my lunches alone. Plus, even though she would say its ok for me to be there, sometimes it felt like she hated me and my presence. But then she would turn around and tell me I was the only one she could be truly honest with, etc, etc.

The reason I tried not to pay too much heed to the idea that she might really hate being my friend is because I also struggle with anxiety pretty badly. I've been working really really hard to just listen to what people tell me, because I can't trust what I'm telling me.

But this feeling continued after high school, and it felt like there was something I didn't know, like she secretly hated me and only put up with me.

Almost every time I would invite her to do something, she would try to invite someone else too. That's fine, but when it happens almost every time... it made me feel like I was unwanted.

I got really clingy. I'll admit that. I texted her often (most days a week) and would get anxious when she didn't respond within a couple of hours, leading to me double, triple texting most of the time. She told me not to text her during work, but how am I supposed to know for sure? She told me her hours once, but I have no record of it and I don't expect her to memorize my schedule so I feel like that's unfair. Plus, if I didn't press for an answer, I often wouldn't get one at all or wouldn't get one for days. Like one time I tried to schedule a time to hang out a few weeks in advance. She told me she would get back to me, but then the day before, still nothing. I texted over and over again, trying to get an answer, until she got mad at me for texting so much and told me she didn't think hanging out would work out. But the point is I got clingy, in a way that I understand made her anxious.

My anxiety got the better of me and I decided to stop contacting her. I held to it for a couple of months, aside from wishing her happy christmas/new years. But my birthday came and went for the second year in a row without a word, and I decided I needed to talk to her about it.

I did, and although she refused to do it in person like I wanted, I thought it was a pretty good conversation. She told me about a couple things I was doing to make her uncomfortable. I promised to work on those and being less clingy. I told her I need her to be honest about the things that bother her, and she said she needed time to work on that skill. She said she was thinking a month, maybe less, so i agreed not to contact her first during that time and she promised to contact me soon.

I didn't hear from her for three months. I finally broke down and texted her, asking to talk it out and telling her this arrangement wasn't working for me. She didn't respond for almost a week. I needed peace of mind, so I said I was done with waiting and I would be open to rekindling the friendship later, but I wasn't going to hold my foot in the door for her any longer. No response again.

I remembered I owed her money and asked her when would be a good time to drop it off (it was not like five bucks, it was a fair amount of money so I didn't want to like leave it on a doorstep or something). No response again for a day. I told her if I didn't hear from her in a couple of days I was going to keep the money.

She finally responded a day later, saying she didn't have the energy for a "high maintenance" friendship and to leave the money in her mailbox.

I don't know who was at fault here. I mean, I was clingy and I ended the friendship, but she didn't give me a chance to change and didn't stick to her word. But I don't know if contacting her again after those three months was clingy? I really don't know, and the end of this friendship has been tormenting me. I just want to know who was at fault and then I can deal with it, but I honestly don't know.

Also, WIBTA for contacting B again and trying to rekindle the friendship?

Please do not ask multiple questions in a single submission. It just confuses things and makes it hard for people to vote in the poll.

#aita #am i the asshole

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bqstqnbruin · 5 months ago

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Matt Rempe Teacher AU

I have actually written four little teacher au blurbs in less than 24 hours out of sheer boredom but I don't like one of them so here's the third one you get have fun

Teacher AU Series

Warnings: None

WC: 1848

“What are you doing?”

Leighton jumps when she hears his voice, not noticing the door even being opened as she scrambled to turn off her music so she could have a conversation with him. “I’m putting together first day of school gifts for my homeroom.”

Matt scoffs, inviting himself over to her lab tables, shuffling through the things she had scattered on the black table tops. “Why?”

“It’s their last first day of school, I wanted to do something nice for them.”

“Something nice is a plastic lei, beads, and a wooden letter?”

“A: it’s something small for the first day, it doesn’t have to be that elaborate. B: I spent time painting these their class color and it’s their initials, not just a random letter. And, C: have you seen them on spirit day? They eat this kind of shit up,” Leighton scolds him, trying to push past him to get the bags together. She knew her homeroom students. She knew this was the kind of stuff they loved to get, and she wanted to make their last first day just a little bit more special if she could. Not to mention, it was all in a reasonable budget for having to make fifteen gift bags.

Matt scoffs again, making Leighton’s blood boil. “They’re seniors in high school, not first graders.”

“And what do you do for your homeroom?”

“Nothing. I don’t have to buy their affection the way you apparently do.”

“It’s not buying their affection if they were giving it to me for free to begin with. Now get out and go back to your own classroom, you have your own prep to do before students show up on Monday,” she says, trying as hard as she could to physically shove him out of her classroom, unable to see the smile on his face.

“Did it already.”

Leighton steps back, throwing Matt off balance. “How?”

Matt shrugs, a smirk on his face. “It’s not that hard. I don’t need things on my walls and Mary already ordered all the supplies we need for this year when we were clearing out the budget last year.”

“I don’t understand how you don’t decorate your classroom at the beginning of the year.”

Matt gestures to the posters behind her desk, knowing that they were things for her homeroom from the previous years that she put back up every year. “I hang up students' work new each year. Let them decorate my classroom, not me.”

“Get out,” Leighton says again, Matt laughing on his way to the door.

That Monday, Leighton’s seniors loved their gifts, their classmates from Matt’s homeroom coming flying into her classroom to show off their brand new Stanley’s with their names embossed on them. Personal, flashy, and expensive. Not to mention, one of Matt’s girls, Vikki, placing one with the name ‘Ms. Cunningham’ on her desk, just for her.

As soon as her students left, she took the cup with her down to Matt’s classroom. “What is this?” she asks, bursting into his classroom, thankful that he was alone in his room instead of with a student to see this.

“It’s called a water bottle. Kind of. I don’t know if it counts as a bottle or a cup, but either way, you drink water from it.”

Leighton groans, turning on her heels before he can say anything else. She put the cup in one of the cabinets in her desk, hoping she could forget about its existence since she couldn’t forget about the person who gave it to her.

She avoided Matt as much as possible, knowing that anything he did would get under her skin and make her irrationally angry, a pit in her stomach whenever she saw him.

Christmas was coming up, Leighton already planning her Christmas gifts for her homeroom. They had gotten together and bought her a Ranger’s jersey with the name her favorite player from her childhood on the back for her birthday (apparently getting a bunch of anonymous students in on the gift to get around the ‘teachers can’t accept gifts of more than $25 from their students’ rule in the handbook), so she had to do something for Christmas.

She found someone on Etsy who made personalized necklaces for not much money, letting her put their names, their school name, and their graduation on charms for them. She stayed a little later before their last day of the calendar year to wrap their gifts for them, enjoying the peace she had in her room with the lights slightly dim, the sun already set, and Christmas music playing over her speakers.

“Now what are you doing?” Matt asks, his coat and hat already on, his keys in hand. Good, he had to be leaving soon.

“Wrapping my homeroom’s Christmas gifts. And you look like you were leaving, so you should do that.”

“Let me help,” he says, putting his bag down and taking off his hat. “It’s already after five, the faster this gets done, the faster you can go home and plan my demise or something.”

Leighton tries to hide the smile she wanted to mirror back to him. “That would imply that I think about you outside of work.”

Matt shrugs, taking the necklace for Leah and wrapping it with more care than she had been. “I think about you outside work.”

Leighton rips the wrapping paper, clearly caught off guard. “What?”

“Yeah, wondering why you do this type of stuff.”

Leighton swallows. “A couple of my girls' parents don’t have a ton of money. They can’t really afford to get them all the nice gifts that some of the other girls get. At least this way, I know they get something, and I know that it’s something that’s just as nice as the other girls get. I was that kid who would watch their friends opening these amazing presents, knowing that I would never get anything that nice until I could afford it myself.”

“So you buy yourself nice things now?”

Leighton laughs. “No. I spend pretty much all my extra money on stuff for the girls. Especially since it’s their senior year, it’s my last chance with this group to show them that there are people out there who are willing to do nice things for them.”

“What do the parents think?”

“Most of them don’t care. But the ones that don’t have the money told me they like that there’s someone who can surprise their girls. They do what they can, but they can’t do everything, you know?”

Matt nods, giving her a soft smile.

The next morning, her homeroom girls, again, loved their Christmas gifts, only to be interrupted, again, by Matt’s girls rushing in. Soph showed Leighton that Mr. Rempe had picked up every girl their Starbucks or Dunkin orders that morning, along with a Christmas ornament that had their name, the school name, and their graduation year on it, shockingly similar to the necklaces from her. Katherine hands her the same; her coffee from Dunkin and an ornament with Ms. Cunningham and the year she started teaching there on it.

Her students leave, and again, she storms down to Matt’s classroom, the Dunkin and ornament in hand.

“What is the matter with you?”

Matt turns to the student sitting at one of the tables, making up a test. “Jessie, I’ll be right back,” he says, grabbing Leighton’s wrist and dragging her into the prep room connected to his classroom, sending a shiver down her spine that she decided to ignore. “That’s an interesting way to say thank you to someone who got you a Christmas gift after telling them you didn’t have anyone who bought you nice things.”

“You keep one-upping my gifts to my girls,” she points out. “You’re doing the exact thing I watched when I was a kid with my friends getting better stuff.”

Matt holds his hand up as if he were surrendering. “I like to get my students things I know they’ll like, just like you do.”

“You are an insufferable walnut,” she lets out, not sure what else she could really say knowing there was a student within earshot of them. “Do not come into my classroom unless you’re told to, please. I am begging you.”

She leaves again before he could say anything, throwing the Dunkin in his trash can so he could see she didn’t take it with her. She sits down in her chair and lets out a long sigh, opening the cabinet to throw the ornament in with the cup from the beginning of the year.

The rest of the year passed without much fanfare, Matt doing what he promised and leaving her alone. The last day of school and, therefore, graduation, was coming up quickly for the girls she had come to know so well over the last four years. She bought them custom wall art for their dorms next year that had their college colors on it. It was easily the most expensive and most difficult thing to get them, but it was the last thing she would get for them, it had to be special.

“Are you ok?”

Leighton nearly jumped out of her seat at her desk, dropping the pen she had been using to write a letter to Katie, one of the last letters for her girls she would write. “You’re like the mold on my ceiling that keeps growing back.”

Matt looks up above her, a horrified look on his face. “You have mold?”

“Why are you here?”

“I was heading out and I saw you were crying.”

Leighton holds her hand up to her face, the tears on her cheeks long unnoticed. It was easy to get emotional writing about her girls; she watched them grow from scared freshmen into the women they were today, ready to set out into the world and hopefully change it for the better. “I’m gonna miss this group.”

Matt nods, walking over to her desk, kneeling down in front of her and placing his hand on her knee. “They’re gonna miss you, too.”

Leighton laughs. “Do you remember your homeroom teacher from high school?”

“No, but I remember the ones who cared about me and my classmates.” The two of them sit there for a moment, Matt getting up off the ground. “Why did you never answer my questions?”

Leighton looks at him, clearly confused. “I have answered every question you asked me. All the annoying ones, too.”

Matt laughs, shaking his head. “No, the ones I asked you with the gifts.” She gets the gifts out of her desk, where they had been sitting all year. Matt takes the Stanley, opening the cup to reveal a note stuffed inside. He unravels what she thought was ribbon tied to the ornament that was another note. “I’ve been asking you to dinner all year,and you never said anything.”

“I ignored these gifts all year,” she says, bluntly. “I didn’t know you wanted to get dinner.”

“I would like more than just dinner, but I’ll settle for anything.”

#matt rempe #matt rempe fic #matt rempe au #new york rangers #new york rangers fic #new york rangers au #nhl #nhl fic #nhl au #hockey #hockey au #hockey fic #rangers #rangers au #rangers fic #teacher au

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humblequestvinyl · 2 years ago

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penthouse

PENTHOUSE, EDDIE DIAZ X FEM!READER

APART OF THE 'ROLLING UP THE WELCOME MAT' SERIES

SUMMARY: y/n’s packing up the penthouse with eddie, reminiscing on the times they had together, both good and bad.

inspired by penthouse by kelsea ballerini

previous chapter | next chapter

lowercase intentional! wc: 1.1k

warning: swearing, vvv much angst! divorce meeting/hearing, anger & a courthouse

a/n: i swear on 911 on abc i did not forget abt this series, i was just busy doing smth for taylor swifts eras tour. anyway enjoy <33

“BUCK I HAVE TO GO PACK UP THE HOUSE.”

y/n told buck softly, before quickly leaving his house, and getting into her jeep.

the entire ride was silent. no music, no singing, and all of LA’s traffic was quiet as all could be. the girl was left alone with her thoughts, thinking about how badly it would hurt to roll up the welcome mat they had picked out right after they had moved in.

december 16th. exactly two weeks after their wedding date, and four days after they had gotten back from their honeymoon. a penthouse with a backyard for chris, and maybe a few more kids down the road, outlooking the mountains.

a penthouse that was filled with so many birthdays, holidays, and endless fights between the two. a penthouse the diaz’s thought they could call their forever home.

guess that’s kind’ve hard to do when you’re playing house in a home that didn’t feel like one.

it took the girl exactly 12 minutes to get to her old home, seeing eddie’s car already sitting in the driveway, and she dreaded going in. having to be in the same room as him, having to try to hold a conversation with him for the first time in two months.

finally taking a deep breath in, she walked inside, seeing eddie already packing up the kitchen, leaving half of it for y/n to take.

“take it all.”y/n spoke up, causing the man’s head to snap towards her, with almost a glare of some sort, “i’ve got enough plates back in nashville.”

“i’m only here to take my clothing and whatever else is mine.”she told him, before walking towards their old bedroom, leaving him standing there silent, something that wasn’t new between the two.

grabbing a box that was leaning up against the wall, she walked into the closet, seeing all of her clothing scattered on the floor, just the way she had left it. the first thing that had caught her eye was the black jumper she had worn in 2019, with flashes of the night before running through her mind.

all of her old tour costumes, red carpet dresses she wore with eddie right by her side, and all of the clothing she would wear while they stayed up late at night, watching the bachelorette. all packed away into a box labeled ‘storage’.

the last thing that stood was her wedding dress.

the gorgeous silk wedding dress she spent hours upon hours searching for with her mom, going to endless bridal appointments looking for, and spending way more money than she was willing to admit.

all being packed away into a box, forcing her to act like nothing had happened.

packing up her office, her half of the bathroom, her half of the storage room they had in the penthouse. all of it being gone, trying to get rid of the memories associated with them. pain went through her chest, with tears building up knowing she was the reason they were packing up the boxes, and moving out of the penthouse she adored, but knowing she couldn’t stay there anymore.

family dinners, dancing in the living room with eddie to their favorite taylor swift song, endless family game nights (with buck joining them everytime) and the christmas parties they always hosted. all gone because she was blowing up the life they had together.

picking up her guitar case off of the floor of the closet, she walked out to the jeep, stuffing everything she could into the car before walking back inside, seeing eddie standing in front of their dining room table.

“what do you want to do with the table?”eddie spoke up, not daring to look at the girl in front of him, “you were the one who bought it, figured you’d want it.”

“keep it, sell it, donate it.”she suggested, before shrugging, “i don’t care eddie. do what you want with it.”

“you want nothing to do with anything in this household besides whatever was distinctly yours?”he questioned as she placed her old key on the counter, shaking her head slightly.

“too many bad memories associated with it.”

—--

(ONE WEEK LATER.)

“HE WANTS WHAT?!”

y/n gripped her steering wheel hard as she was stuck in standstill LA traffic (one thing she wouldn’t miss), trying to get to her divorce hearing.

“he wants alimony along with child support, or half of the house with child support.”y/n’s lawyer told her, and she could feel her anger boil over, “he didn’t pay for the fucking house!”

“like yes he contributed, but he sure as hell didn’t pay for it!”she exclaimed, and she could already tell her lawyer, maeve was cringing, knowing she was right, “i will gladly pay the child support, but i want visitation with chris.”

“that kid means more to me than anything. i’m not abandoning him.”y/n stayed firm, and she heard maeve hum on the other line of the phone, “what about the other half of it?”

y/n stayed silent, debating her options.

having an alimony hearing every other week, with press standing outside the courthouse every single time, causing the divorce to be even messier, or have him take half of the house that she wanted nothing to do with.

“let him take half of the house.”she finally spoke up after a few moments, feeling her knuckles turn white, “it's better than being stuck at alimony hearings every other week.”

“are you sure?”maeve asked, and y/n stayed silent, “i know how much you love that house.”

“give him the house.”she stated one last time, before they figured out the final details as she pulled into the parking lot of the courthouse, praying everything would go over smoothly.

something that rarely happened with the two.

as y/n walked in, the h/c girl saw her soon to be ex husband standing with his lawyer, waiting for the girls arrival so they could get it over with. when they walked in, the two sat across from each other, his brown eyes met her e/c ones.

he could tell she knew. she knew about him wanting the half of the house that she adored, one that she loved so much. one they had picked out together, and now they were ripping it apart like it was just a piece of paper.

you can’t win when you’re playing house, in a broken penthouse.

#eddie diaz x reader #eddie diaz fluff #eddie diaz smut #eddie diaz fic #eddie diaz imagine #eddie x reader #911 on fox #911 spoilers #911 #911 on abc #evan buckley x reader #911 fic #eddie diaz #evan buckley #rolling up the welcome mat

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sungodded · 2 days ago

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AITA? Really need advice

So... on the petty officer course I met this guy, we got on well, spent the 4 evenings having some beers for a few hours together. We were face-to-face for a total of 4 days. After, we kept in touch but he was messaging me every single day when I was sick which is a lot for me and I told him that a) I don't spend a lot of time on my phone and needed space while I was really unwell, and once I was better b) I'm training sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and have the gym on Friday so I'm either training or very tired and just want some time to myself so responses will be sporadic. This is on top of the fact that we had Christmas, New Year and then it was also my birthday as well as my initial fitness deadline which was my priority and I kept telling him that.

He kept messaging me anyway and would get annoyed when I didn't respond, it got to the point where I just stopped responding at all for about two weeks. I felt bad and started replying again and he's decided he wants to fly up and stay with me. I said that was fine but I'm really busy this month because I'm training even harder due to having the 4 day course next month that will decide my fate for the rest of the year at least and my entire career future at most. I also explained that once the course is over, I'm then away on a first aid at work course for 3 days, so again, I'm going to be very busy and tired.

He messages me last night 11pm deciding that he wants to fly up this weekend, I didn't read the message at the time cos I was tired and just wanted to chill before going to bed, he then messaged again at 7am which is when I read it all with 'I'll take that as a no then" that I didn't see until I woke up at 8.30am and simply reminded him that training is ramping up and between training, the gym and desperately clinging onto what little free time and energy I have, my training has to be my priority.

He got sarcastic with me and I just left him unread.

Now, he's messaged me wanting to fly up the day after my fitness test course which is only a few days before my first aid course and I'm just....... am I in the wrong here for feeling like this is too much? We're not dating, we've only known each other since early December of which we were around each other for 4 days, this a lot, right? I can't be the only one who thinks this? We're not even friends let alone whatever he seems to think we are at this point? We're literally acquaintances if even that.

What do I do? Am I being irrational? Am I the problem? I keep telling him I'm busy and that this course is everything to me and he just keeps ignoring it and he's being really pushy? I did like him but now I just don't want anything to do with him cos I feel like he isn't listening to me.

Side note: if I fail this fitness test course, I have to wait a year before I can try again which is another reason why I don't want to have to do that as I'm already very close to the maximum age limit to apply at all.

#OOC:

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bluelocksource · 1 year ago

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Otoya Eita’s trivia (source: twt & Egoist Bible).

"Stealth Breakthrough."

☆ Character's colour: Bright green.

☆ Weapons: Off-the-ball movement and agility.

☆ Nickname: ‘Ninja’.

☆ Birthday: 3rd December.

☆ Current age: 17 (3rd year of high school)

☆ Zodiac: Sagittarius.

☆ Birthplace: Aichi Prefecture.

☆ Family: Father. Mother. Older sister. Himself. Younger sister.

☆ Current height: 177 cm.

☆ Dominant foot: Right foot.

☆ Blood type: O.

☆ Starts playing football: At age 6.

☆ Team before joining BLUE LOCK: Kirigakure Academy Soccer Club.

☆ Motto: "Step up or step aside." **

☆ Favorite food: Churros. “It tastes great.”

☆ Disliked food: Pickles. “It doesn’t taste great."

☆ Favorite animal: Phoenix. “It is a flaming bird.”

☆ Favorite season: Summer. "Do I need a reason?"

☆ Favorite football player: Minamino Takumi.

☆ Favorite music: He likes listening to neo city pop genre.

☆ Favorite manga: Moteki. “It’s top-tier, no objection.”

☆ Favorite movie: Home Alone. “The unbeatable Christmas movie.”

☆ Favorite TV show: FNS Kayousai & Music Station Special Superlive. “I can get senselessly hyped up.”

☆ Favorite celebrity: Aso Kumiko. “I’m seriously dying!”

☆ Ideal type: Bright and honest woman. (don’t count on it, he’ll change it soon).

☆ Hobby: Tour around TDR (Tokyo Disney Resort). “Riding Tower of Terror at DisneySea is a must!”

☆ Mushroom shoots vs Bamboo shoots: “I only eat the chocolate part of the mushroom. I’ll give the rest to you.”

☆ What goes best with rice : A cute girl. “I like watching girls who eats rice deliciously.”

☆ What makes him happy: Something exciting.

☆ What makes him upset: Something boring/depressing.

☆ What he thinks his strength is: “I forget unpleasant stuff after sleeping.”

☆ What he thinks his weakness is: “I forget important stuff after sleeping.”

☆ Favorite/Best subject: English. “I only take the class seriously because the teacher is beautiful.”

☆ Dislike/weak subject: Other than English “Studying is boring.”

☆ What made him cry recently: He got hit in the eye from being slapped. “Cheating’s not good.”

☆ Usual sleeping time: 8 hours.

☆ What he usually ends up buying from convenience store: Breath care. “Who knows if I’ll be kissing my girlfriend later.”

☆ Place he washes first when taking a bath: Between the toes. “Don’t want to get athlete’s foot.”

☆ Fixation: Scent. “I can tell our compatibility if you hug me.”

☆ Number of chocolates received from previous Valentine: 1. “It’s from a senior I was dating at the time. I was really into her.”

☆ At what age he experiences first love: At age 3. “With Dokin-chan.”

☆ The first time he got confessed to: Happened when he was 5 years old. “I kissed about 95% of the girls in nursery school, and 50% of them confessed.”

☆ What will he do if received 100 million yen: "Charter a night pool party for as long as I can."

☆ At what age he stops receiving presents from Santa: At age 12.

☆ What was his last wish from Santa: New spikes. “With some exciting design.”

☆ How he spent his holiday: "Either hanging out with friends or going on a date. I love the fluttering feelings prior to dating. The feeling wears off once I date the girl, though."

☆ What will he do during his last day on Earth: Enjoy the moment.

☆ Favorite historical figure: "Steve Jobs. Creating the iPhone is truly remarkable."

☆ If he hadn't encountered soccer, what will he be doing: "Making chill music. I want to be someone who creates that kind of music."

☆ If he could only take one thing to a deserted island, what would it be: "I wouldn’t need anything. I’d just go with the flow. Deserted island, woohoo! "

☆ If he had a time machine, would he go to the past or the future: The future. " I want to know about future fashion and music. And I want to get along with future girls. Oh, I wonder if ninja jokes would work in the future?"

Last updated: 1/11/2024

** I translated his motto before (link to the post). It was difficult for me to translate it but a user who replied on that post worded it better than mine so I use them here :) thanks @thats-miss-spider-to-you !

note: i want to apologize in advance for any mistake made in the translation!

#blue lock #otoya eita #trivia: otoya eita #trivia: profile #bluelocksource #trivia #our translation

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themadhatter18 · 19 days ago

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I will never forget

i will never forget

that day you told me i made you want to kill yourself.

those words stuck like a thorn buried deep,

the way you put your hand to your head as if it were a gun,

An image i can never unsee, no matter how hard i try.

i was fourteen.

i will never forget.

that night you told me you didn’t want to see my face,

yelling at me to get out of your sight.

i was ten.

i will never forget.

that night you held that piece of paper in my face,

yelling at me to eat it, pushing it against my mouth,

tears streaming down my face as i begged for mercy.

i was eleven.

i will never forget.

when you called me a mentally disturbed human being that belongs back in res,

when you called me a psychopath,

when you called me a sociopath,

that was four months ago.

you cut me off, sending me away from this new life i was forced to rebuild,

but that’s the cycle, i should have known,

it was just a matter of time.

so i start over again,

for the sixth time,

somewhere familiar,

a place you had me leave behind before.

you tell me you need space,

you don’t want me knowing anything about you.

that was august.

october 18th goes by,

and for some reason i thought i’d get a “happy birthday”

but nothing.

thanksgiving goes by,

you have dinner with dad and my sister,

i find out when i see dad buying the plane ticket,

my invite, nowhere to be seen.

christmas comes by..

five months later you don’t ask for forgiveness,

but you talk to me like nothing happened,

like you didn’t blame me for everything,

telling me i was where i was because of myself,

that i deserved to go back.

hesitant, trying not to be the person i used to be–

the one who forgave too quickly,

blind to the weight of her own worth—

staying true to myself, i forgive you,

but, i cannot forget.

no matter how hard i try, you’ve left a mark on me.

i know you were in pain, but i wouldn’t have said the things you said to me.

i know you just didn’t know how to get through,

you felt alone, you had your own demons.

i’m sorry i couldn’t help.

all i’ve ever wanted is for you to heal and have the life you want.

now,

all i can ask is for time so i can heal.

and so i hope you can forgive me…

for not being ready yet…

a mother’s love is something i’ve yearned for–

to know how it feels to have your number one supporter by your side,

someone you can count on no matter what,

someone to tell you it's going to be okay,

someone to tell you it's not your fault—

i am trying so hard not to be bitter,

not to be mad,

not to be angry,

but i am broken.

i pray my heart doesn’t change;

i don’t want to lose my kindness,

my resilience,

my optimism, that has gotten me this far.

i am not ready for you to see me because i know i will break.

you taught me i cannot break in front of you—

when you mocked me for having a panic attack in front of you,

i will never forget–

i am getting stronger, though i cannot do it around you.

when i am ready–

when my heart no longer races to the sound of your footsteps,

when i can sleep without fear of waking up to the yelling of your voice,

when i can pick up the phone without flinching when i see your name,

when i can have a conversation without the walls I’ve built for you,

when i can keep my boundaries up around you,

when i stop taking responsibility for your actions,

when i feel safe from the sight, thought, voice, and actions of you

–i will come to you

you taught me how to endure, but not how to lean on anyone, i learned to cry where no one could see, to hold myself up when no one else did.

when i am ready, i will come to you— not as the child who begged for comfort, but as someone who has learned to comfort herself.

i’m sorry, but i can no longer do this for you. i need to do this for me. it’s selfish, but it is the only way i will make it through to the other side.

a mother’s love is not absent, but her emotional support has always been missing, and i’ve spent my life learning how to fill that space on my own.

i will always forgive you,

i will always love you,

but i will never forget.

- anonymous

#poetry #sad #healing #mentalhealth

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gracexthoughts · 10 months ago

Text

of violent delights chap 7

happy birthday, mia

30 January 1996

Euphemia's POV

The Christmas break seemed to float by. Harry and I stayed at Hogwarts as always, the Weasleys and Hermione staying as well. My first two years at Hogwarts, I went back to the Dursleys' for Christmas, just to see Harry and make sure he was okay. Since Harry started though, we've had no reason to go back. Christmas with each other and our friends has always been far preferable. I'll never forget how excited Harry got his first Christmas morning at Hogwarts.

I love the castle during the holidays. It's decorated to the nines and is quiet and serene for two weeks. I spend most of my time running around the empty halls with the twins, a snowball fight with the Twins and I on one team and Harry, Ron and Hermione on another, and two weeks of no prefect rounds.

Since that night in the broom closet, Mattheo and I haven't spoken of what happened. I've never seen him be so gentle, especially not to me. The way he helped calm me down from panicking, and the way our hostile banter turned playful in the time we spent locked in the closet has plagued my mind in the two months since. I fully expected to arrive in class the next morning with the whole school knowing Euphemia Potter had a panic attack from being stuck in a broom closet with Mattheo Riddle (most girls' dream situation) but no one knew unless I told them. Mattheo hadn't told anyone what happened, or if he did he swore them to secrecy. I tried to thank him for it but I only received a grunt in return, reverting back to the same cold, angry and insufferably superior jerk I've always known him to be. Even so, I can't help but wonder what he was doing over break, why he was so nice to me that night, and why he hasn't tried to use my weakness against me.

Harry has been despondent since Christmas when his new Firebolt was confiscated to be checked for tampering. I hadn't even woken up yet when Harry had come rushing in, yelling thank you over and over again. He'd thought I had bought him the new broom but I hadn't. Well, I'd been planning on it but my plan was to let Harry pick out the broom he wanted rather than choose it myself. But some mystery benefactor had beaten me to it and McGonagall promptly confiscated it, worried about it being cursed or hexed and Hermione has taken the brunt of Harry's anger. Secretly, I'm grateful someone else thought it was strange besides me but i’m sorry Hermione is being shut out for it.

Since term has resumed, and prefect rounds and Quidditch practices along with it, Harry and I have been adding weekly anti- dementor lessons to our schedules. Four lessons in and Harry and I can both produce the shield version of the Patronus Charm. The corporeal form, however, has been a bigger challenge.

"Happy Birthday, Mia!" The door to my dorm is flung open as the Weasley Twins, Angelina, Alicia, Lee, and Harry all flood into my room. The best benefit of being a prefect? I have my own dorm room. Although, my friends have started to use it as their own personal common room so it's ultimately not that private anymore. I sit up, making a noise somewhere between a groan and a laugh as my friends and brother surround my bed. I squint at the clock on my nightstand and balk.

"I love you all so much but it's literally 8AM, I don't get to sleep in on my birthday? It's a Sunday!" I pretend to whine, falling back on my pillows. With Quidditch practice Mondays-Thursdays 4:30-6:30PM, prefect rounds Tuesdays and Thursdays 9-11PM, and extra lessons with Lupin on Wednesdays at 8PM I have barely any time to do my schoolwork, let alone anything else.

"No, because it's not fair for you to shorten the time we get to celebrate you by sleeping," Angelina says, crossing her arms and sitting on the bed next to me.

"You can't sing at breakfast," I say, sitting up with my eyes wide and looking at the Twins. Fred and George love parties, celebrations and taking the mickey out of people they love. When they found out I'd never celebrated a birthday before coming to Hogwarts, they made it their personal mission to make every birthday since absolutely insane.

"We won't," Fred says, a mischievous gleam in his eyes behind his smile.

"I couldn't believe you less," I laugh.

"Oh we're singing! No opting out, Potter!" Lee says, wiggling his eyebrows like a madman.

"C'mon, Mia don't be a spoil sport!" George says, leaning against one of the posts of my bed frame.

"Oi! I am many things but a party pooper is not one," I laugh, "I need you all the leave if you expect me to get dressed though."

"Boo," Fred laughs, heading towards the door with George and Lee. Harry holds back for a moment and leans over the edge of my bed to give me a hug.

"Happy birthday, Mia," he says with a small smile.

"Thanks, Haz," I return his smile, reaching up to ruffle his already unruly hair. He chuckles and shoves my hand away and turns to leave with the rest of the boys, leaving me with Angelina and Alicia.

"Sooo, what do you think Freddie got you for your birthday?" Angelina asks, lay back on my bed.

"The twins better not have gotten me anything. I don't want any presents," I say, pushing off the blankets and tossing them over Angie.

"Not the twins! Fred," Alicia says, sitting on the back of the love seat in front of the fireplace. I furrow my eyebrows as I cross the room to my dresser and begin pulling clothes out for the day.

"Why just Fred?"

"C'mon, Mia. You are not dense," Angie says, rolling onto her stomach and propping herself up on her elbows.

"About what, Ang?" I turn, raising my eyebrows, playing dumb because I know exactly where they are going with this.

"Freddie liiiikes you!" She responds in a sing-song voice, causing me to roll my eyes and throw a sweatshirt at her from across the room.

"Please!" I groan.

"Why are you upset? Fred's cute," Alicia says. Angelina and I raise our eyebrows at our friend, who is very openly lesbian. "That's not a personal opinion! It's just a fact. Fred and George could have any girl in this school they wanted and yet, dear Freddie has been single for more than a year. He likes you, Mia. It's plain as day."

"I look like I could be his sister. Remember first year when half the school thought we were triplets?" I say, pulling a sweater over my head. The Weasley family all have bright and fiery red hair while my hair is a darker red, a weird mix of the dark brown of my father's hair and the bright red my mother had. Never stopped people from asking if we were related though. "I don't like Fred like that."

"You're dumb for that, Phe. Sorry," Angie laughs.

"You date him then if you think he's so great!" I laugh.

"No thanks. I've got dibs on George though," she responds, winking at me. Alicia and I exchange a shocked look before we burst out into laughter.

"You know, Ang, I think that will work out very well for you," I tease. Angelina bolts up to her knees, still on my bed.

"What do you know?"

"A secret!" I wink and duck as Ang throws a pillow at me.

"The three of you and your secrets, I swear!"

"Okay so who do you like? There's gotta be somebody," Alicia pries, and I sigh.

"There's no one. When would I find the time?"

Angelina gasps, jumping up from the bed and rushing over to me, grabbing me by the shoulder. "Don't tell me it's Riddle!"

"ANG!" I groan, pulling out of her grip, moving into the ensuite bathroom but leaving the door open.

"Oh my god, imagine?" Alicia starts cackling on the couch, falling off the back and landing on the cushions on the other side, her feet dangling over the back of the love seat.

"It's like Romeo and Juliette! By that muggle writer you like so much!"

"Romeo and Juliet both die in the end," I call from the bathroom. "I don't really think they are meant to role models."

"Still, he's so hot. And experienced. From what I hear he's amazing in be-"

"Ah! No! Please stop, it's already hard enough to do rounds with him without thinking about his bedroom habits!" I interrupt Angelina, waving my hands begging her to stop. "Let's go get breakfast and you can continue your tirade of embarrassment once I have coffee in my system, deal?"

My day is spent being dragged around by my friends. They take me to Hogsmeade, singing happy birthday again when Rosemerta brings me a cupcake with a small candle stuck in the top and telling every shopkeeper it's my birthday. I think I spend most of the day blushing and trying to hide. When we finally make it back to the castle, I head into my room to put away some stuff I bought in Hogsmeade.

Just as I'm about to leave to rejoin my friends, something catches my eye on my mantle. It's a yellowing piece of parchment paper folded into a square with my name on it written in handwriting I don't recognize. I reach for it and turn it over revealing a dark red wax seal. I study the crest pressed into the dark red wax, feeling like I recognize it but not being able to-- My knees fold below me and I sink to the floor at the realization. I did research on our family history my first year at Hogwarts and this crest was everywhere I looked. The Potter Family crest.

My hands shake as I tear open the letter.

22 October 1981

My darling Mia,

Happy 18th birthday, my beautiful, wonderful daughter. If you're reading this letter, then I am very glad I decided to write this. While I hope your mother and I come out of this war relatively unscathed, I feel it would be irresponsible if I did not put some things in writing for a worst case scenario. So, I have enchanted this letter to appear to you on your birthday on the off chance I am not there to give you a present in person.

As I'm sure you know, my father inherited a fortune, which through his career he grew significantly, and a manor house. A house in which he and my mother raised me, and I spent my life in. My parents, never failing in their generosity, made our home a haven for others, and a place of warmth and joy, not only for our family by blood, but our family through choice as well. It has a proper name I never could be bothered to remember but everyone just called it the Potter Manor anyway. If you are reading this it means I am gone and the house is now yours. You'll find directions to it in this letter as it was hidden by enchantments before we left to go into hiding. What you do with the house and the money, I leave entirely to you and your brother's choosing. I know first hand how quickly the world changes and I believe the age of manor houses and ballrooms, and lavish parties of my parents' life is not in keeping with the world you shall be a young woman.

I also want you to know how loved you are. We may not have expected you but we have never regretted your existence. You and your brother have been the shining star that has guided your mother and me through the dark years that have followed us since leaving Hogwarts. I know you will do incredible things in your life, my darling. Watching you grow these last few years has been the most wonderful experience of my life and being your father is the greatest privilege. Your mother and I love you and Harry more than anything in this world.

I know if you are reading these words, then the worst has happened and I am very sorry I never got to watch you grow into the beautiful young woman I know you will be. Luckily, you have been surrounded by loving friends and family since your birth and I know you and your brother will be well taken care of by your godfathers. Remus and Sirius are my brothers, as well as Peter, and they are some of the only people your mother and I would entrust our children to. Do me a favor? Tell them I love them for me.

Now, I hear your mother calling me for dinner and I must go have a wonderful meal cooked by the woman of my dreams, joined by the two most beautiful and wonderful children to ever exist. What a lucky man I am.

With all my love,

Dad

I can't help as tears fall down my face as I read my fathers words, words he hoped would never reach me, words he might have shown me himself, to which we would laugh at our good fortune and celebrate the 18 years we spent together as a family. I blink back tears and read through the letter again, soaking up the only piece of my father I have.

As I reread his mention of godfathers, a tightness grows in my chest. Sirius, I know, is Harry's godfather but Remus? I sit there, my knees pulled to my chest, for a moment before the realization hits me.

The letter in my hand, I run out of my room and into the halls, furiously walking to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, red clouding my vision as the truth of my life comes more clearly into focus. As I enter the darkened classroom, I see light spilling out from the office door at the back. I throw the door open to see Remus Lupin standing at a record player in the back, music playing softly from the speakers.

"Mia! Are you alright?" He asks, his eyes scanning my face with concern.

"Are you my godfather?" I blurt out, unable to control the anger coursing through my veins. Lupin pails and he nearly drops the record in his hands.

"W-Where did you hear that?" He asks, setting the record down and walking around his desk to face me. I hold out the letter, slightly crumpled from my rush through the halls. Lupin's hands shake as he takes the paper, his face growing somber as he reads the words my father wrote days before his death. The office is silent for a long moment, the only sound is the record player in the corner spinning still even after the music has come to an end. After a long moment, I break the silence again.

"So? Is it true?" Lupin looks up at me, tears shining unshed in his eyes, and nods slowly.

"Yes..." I close my eyes, willing myself not to cry as he hands me back the letter. I wait for him to continue but he doesn't. So I do.

"What, no excuses? No explanation as the where the fuck you've been the last fifteen years? Sirius Black being Harry's godfather is bad enough but you? You seem quite capable. I mean you're alive, seemingly sane and decent and yet I had no idea you existed until 5 months ago. Clearly my father was under the impression you'd have been a good guardian to his children and yet, what? You said no? Disappeared until I was old enough not to be a burden on you? Ran away and left the children of a man who called you brother to the care of their muggle aunt and uncle who made their lives a living hell? I assume you knew the state of my mother's relationship with her sister since you were good enough friends to be her child's godfather!" I rant, barely recognizing my own voice as it's clouded through grief and tears and barely contained anger.

"Mia-" He takes a step towards me, his hand outstretched and shaking but I step back, shaking my head as tears flow freely down my cheeks now.

"How could you have left us there? Without even as much as a letter? A visit? Not even a single sign that we were not entirely alone in the world? Do you have any idea what they were like? Any idea what we lived with for 15 years? How they lied to us about who we were ,who our parents were and how they died, how they locked us in the cupboard under the stairs when we used magic before we even knew magic was real!" I'm yelling now, rage over taking any sense of decency or respect for the man standing in front of me, looking guiltier than a man on trial for murder. All the rage I've stuffed down over the years about the circumstances of my life bubbles up as I realize what Harry and I could have been spared. I rage and I rage and I don't care if it wounds this man. "You know, all this time I've been wrong about you. All year, I've thought that you were good and kind, that you were giving Harry and I lessons out of empathy when really all along it's just been guilt! You claim to have cared about our parents and yet you abandoned the children they sacrificed their lives for... You... You're just as much of a coward as Sirius Black." I say before turning on my heel to leave.

"Mia! I-I tried. I promise you, I tried to take you but... I was told I wasn't fit," Lupin says, his voice breaks on the last word. I close my eyes, for a moment, frozen in my tracks as I stand under the doorframe.

"Then you didn't try hard enough," I say quietly before slamming the door behind me and running out of the classroom.

A/N: I’m sorry Remus, I love you I promise. Also i’m sorry it’s another all Mia chapter but Mattheo’s is next, i promise.

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