#Then that book ends up being the best freaking book ever but its so incredibly niche; literally no one talks about it online

[pastelaspirations]

Okay, this might sound completely incoherent, b u t-

This is like one of those incredibly niche, you've literally never heard or seen of this before, paperback book in this mysterious bookstore that sells all sorts of hand-me-down and forgotten books. You've never even heard of the author or the story before, but picking up the book, you are greeted with its absolutely gorgeous cover. Its cover is smooth, but almost has a grainy feel, as if it hasn't been touched in ages. They say never judge a book by its cover, but this cover is incredibly captivating. What could it hurt to buy it? It's only a coin or two after all...

Long story short, you find this long forgotten book in a thrift store from an author you've never heard of before and it ends up being the best freaking book you've read in a long time-

Breathtaking

[nessacousland]

can i ask what was ur problem with treviso? i actually found treviso and the crows to be the most interesting faction out of all of them so maybe im just biased LOL

Okay, full disclosure: I was on vacation and didn’t get to play Veilguard until the 8th of November. Couldn’t take the potential spoilers everywhere, so I've been cramming these past few days to finish the game asap (I still did every side quest, had all factions at max strength and got the “best” ending etc. but didn’t do every chests/stats puzzle). By the time the Treviso questline concluded, I'd been fully marinating in the sauce of all the other criminally stupid quests, is what I’m trying to say, and Treviso was emblematic of every problem I already had with this game. It was my breaking point.

To start with, the questline is offensively generic and an actual insult to the players’ intellect. Painfully linear, cartoon villains abound and nothing of any substance was ever said during its run.

The moment Caterina told us about Lucanis’ non-death, I called Illario being the traitor. There were no clever misdirects, there were no other leads, nope, they showed us his hand *immediately*. Grandma First Talon of the murder guild has a clear favorite and didn’t tell the ‘spare’ heir about her suspicions? Yeah, okay. Repeat FAMILY as often as you want, you piss-poor Godfather knockoff of a questline, I ain't buying.

So, from the start, all tension is gone, I'm just sitting there waiting for the rest of these “capable” assassins who “rule Antiva from the shadows” to catch on to this incredibly obvious plot twist. Meanwhile, the quests had absolutely nothing interesting to say - about the Crows or Treviso. The first bad guy was, predictably, an evil evil Venatori, super more evil than the evil evil Venatori you've seen before, guys, she literally BATHES IN BLOOD. Omg, right? 🙄 (I found Tevinter infinitely more compelling when their entire ruling class were power-hungry tyrants out of self-interest instead of being hit over the head with the mustache-twirling villain/crazed cultist stick).

Mr. “totally not the traitor” kills Zara before she can tell us anything of substance, she dies,clearly shocked, calling him “Amatus”...AND NO ONE CATCHES ON. You can have Neve on the team, Bellara regularly reads Tevinter serials (the whole team has a fucking book club in the middle of an apocalypse), you can play a freaking Shadow Dragon Rook, but nah, nothing. We don’t even get to ask “Uh, what was that?”. Instead, we get to sit through more pointless missives/quests while the ever capable Crows are totally investigating the traitor.

Now, you could argue that the “Amatus” was a reward to tip off those of us who’ve played the previous games and know what the term means. But with a plot this threadbare and obvious…did the writers think they’re Agatha Christie here? Did they really think I was at the edge of my seat, desperate to find out “whodunit” and grateful for any crumbs thrown my way?

Well, anyway, we are told a million times over that super charming (where?) Illario is just “like that” every time he acts super freaking suspicious. (The funeral thing with Caterina's ashes was especially funny.)

You'd think those instances would start to add up and prompt someone - anyone - to start using their brains (don't we have a goddamn detective on our team?!), but NOPE. We have to corpse-whisper to progress this questline. One of the biggest ass-pulls they've introduced via this game in general, in my opinion (is this Forbidden Realms and we just unlocked the Speak with the Dead spell?) - and it acts as the deus ex machina here to finally give us a clue. Wow, thanks.

The entire sequence of Lucanis confronting Illario in front of the assembled mafia felt like something out of an Antivan play. So goddamn goofy. I thought that vibe was charming in Josephine's romance quest - Antivans live for the drama - but they wanted us to take this moment seriously. This is Lucanis confronting his “all he has left” (don't get me started on the Fade sequence - apparently we the players can’t grasp anyone's motivations without having them spelled out for us over and over again) for putting him through hell and changing his entire being forever. Should I be laughing right now?

To make matters worse,we're told that the Crows are the perfect killers who never leave a contract unfinished - and then Lucanis spares Illario because the humiliation is the biggest punishment??? Like, I'm fine with him faltering here, that’s human. But this should have had consequences. This is the murder guild we're talking about here. Lucanis’ parents were literally killed in a different house’s coup attempt. He was just made the head mobster, immediately showed weakness in front of the entire mafia and everything is just dandy fine??? Because FAMILY?

Another personal gripe with this is that - as always - Rook had zero agency. No matter what you do, Lucanis will forgive or spare Illario. Imagine if we had the option to convince him to kill him instead. Imagine the resulting resentment tainting our bond with him and having us actively engage with fixing or breaking it. Imagine us going along with his mercy but hashing out the painful consequences for his house with him. But that’s not the game Veilguard is.

Anyway, the quest then becomes even more ridiculous. We've long learned that a human traitor helped the Antaam claim Treviso overnight. Someone with great knowledge of the city and the necessary power to make it happen. Gee, I'm sure the human GOVERNOR regularly hanging out in the Crow headquarters or the market bitching about the Crows’ interference 24/7 - the ONLY town official we get to see - had nothing to do with it. Five scarves fluttered in shock out of five, great job, guys.

The Butcher thing was just…weird. Like, we get to hear and build him up as this totally different antaam leader, cruel but cunning and calculating, someone who will be difficult to dethrone. Only for him to show up out of nowhere and serve no other purpose than to move the main plot forward asap and die. Lol, thanks for your service, I guess.

Then Ivenci, for no fucking reason, decides that they, like any good cartoon villain, should reveal themselves to us just in order to gloat. Um, why don’t they simply order the Antaam to murder us dead right then and there? If Rook and their plucky team of friends are too powerful for that, why haven’t we taken Treviso by force already? But nah, lol, our plot armor doesn’t have any cracks yet, so they literally tell us to go away and try to disturb the gods’ plans, because those guys will totally kill us for them.

Now, we wait again. Excuse me, isn’t this a questline about assassins? Why aren’t we trying to, y'know, assassinate Ivenci? Cut off the snakes's head, how often have we heard this phrase otherwise? Nah, let's wait till we get another letter that shit is going down that the Crows totally didn’t anticipate and THEN let's confront them. (Ofc, the Crows’ investigation of the qamek stalled forever. Cause they’re incompetent.)

But the thing that really broke me…we KNOW Ivenci stole a bunch of special qamek. We run at them THROUGH A GREEN POISON CLOUD. And my Rooks's just like “Huhhh? Is something possibly messing with my mind right now?”. YOU STUPID POS.

And then, ofc, we end the questline and Jacobus pops outta nowhere to spare Ivenci because a good pirate never steals and a good assassin never kills, I guess. Jacobus founds his new house to basically become a big mafia family for orphans like him which everyone is super proud of, because, if the previous installments of the game have taught us anything, it's that the Crows are deeply concerned with the well-being of orphans. Whoop dee doo, the end.

Okay, more notes. It’s been mentioned plenty already that this game has completely neutered the Crows and turned them into edgy found family freedom fighters. Personally, I'm not okay with the explanation that this is simply a different house than House Arainai. Because what the actual fuck, game. Why is Ivenci the bad guy when they're literally right about everything?! Where's my option to agree with them that a fucking murder mafia shouldn’t be the ruling force of a town, let alone the entire country? Why is the municipal government the enemy while my non-Crow Rook keeps shouting “Viva the Crows”??? Are you really telling me that the Crows are the good guy mafia and House Arainai was the bad outlier? Is that what this is?

Look, I'm fine with allying with the Crows if that’s what necessity dictates. We're trying to stop the SUPER BLIGHT here. But don’t sugarcoat that this is us joining forces with the mob. The way Veilguard presents them makes me cringe cause they're basically just leather-clad incompetent fools larping as birds. Show us the reality of this alliance. Get into the nitty-gritty. Make this world feel real. God.

I *wanted* to like this questline. Out of every country in Northern Thedas, I've always been most interested in Antiva. The whole medievalesque guilds system and merchant princes, the mediterranean romance and drama, pirates and Crows, the snazzy outfits and Spanish accents, god, normally, I'm eating that shit UP. I didn’t even think twice about which city to save. Partially because Minrathous was better fortified and Venatori seemed like the lesser evil vs. blighted water, of course, but mostly because Treviso is absolutely gorgeous and Zevran and Josephine instilled a lot of love for Antiva in me that I just don’t feel for Tevinter. I also thought that the setup was very interesting - professional assassins turned into freedom fighters of their occupied turf. And it *would* have been if they had let them remain, y'know, the actual murder mafia they always were.

But aside from my gripes about the Crows’ portrayal, the entire questline was just a total nothing burger. This is the first time ever that we're actually in Antiva, our introduction, so to speak, and what do we learn about the place? That there’s strife and betrayal among the Crows? Um, yeah, Zevran covered that fifteen years ago. There’s nothing new whatsoever. Imagine if our primary goal had actually been to help the Crows free Treviso. That we're working to loosen the Butcher's grasp on the town via strategic assassinations (i.e. actual Crow missions) that also introduce us to Treviso's people/Antivan culture (taking out someone during a theatre play, for example! The drama!), the internal politics of the Merchant princes and the municipal government's struggle to keep this occupied city from imploding. Imagine us getting caught up in this web of intrigue as we get closer and closer to the Butcher and then suddenly, we're being played. And only *then* do we start to suspect a traitor among the Crows’ ranks and the whole thing unravels. Spitballing even further, why repeat the Crow/Venatori romance in a random side quest with random people? Why not have Zara and Illario be actually in love, but he kills her for his ambition anyway? And instead of taking responsibility for his actions, he blames Lucanis for forcing his hand? Or maybe, they both thought they were playing the other and as another power hungry asshole, Zara almost respects Illario for the hussle as she dies? *Some* messiness and drama? (Cause Varric’s initial narration sequence made Zara seem like this blood-soaked femme fatale but the actual narrative gave zero fucks about that vibe. Discount Countess Bathory wannabe).

That might just be what I would have wanted and nobody else, but I still maintain that anything would have been better than this cookie-cutter, baby’s first mafia story that is beat for beat exactly what you'd expect and have seen before.

Well, this was a long rant. I don’t intend to make a habit of shitting on things others enjoy on here, but my emotions are still running high after finishing the game yesterday and you did ask. Sorry.

[the-pea-and-the-sun]

looks like ur jekyll & hydeing it up......... so what do think of the repressive victorian culture turning jekyll's true wants and desires sick and violent..? :3

HIII ANON THANK U FOR THE ASK!!!!

OK SO. I NEED TO RE-READ THE BOOK CUZ ITS BEEN A FEW YEARS. BUT OOOOHH MANN I HAVE SOOO MUCH TO SAY ABT IT!!!

i kinda wanna compare the book to the 1931 adaptation (the best adaptation, the musicals rly good too though) bcz it sort of ends up combining victorian sexual repression w/ the recent sexual revolution AND THESE LEADS TO SOME REALLLYYY FASCINATING STUFF!!!! (and also, theres probably something to be said abt how a new moral panic/cultural repression in the form of the hayes code was on its way at the time, but i wont get into that... for now...)

i feel like. in the book there definitely IS this idea that like. societal repression is what made hyde (or rather jekyll, theyre the same guy in the book. well i mean. more so than adaptations at least) as fucked up as he is. but its kind of more implicit? also whatever desire jekyll has been keeping repressed is incredibly vague. presumably its not nearly as bad as murder since when hyde murders someone he freaks out. but we dont ever rly find out what it is, or if its something that a different (maybe, more modern society) might allow him to indulge in w/o endangering himself and others.

IN THE 1931 MOVIE HOWEVER. JEKYLL IS SOOO HORNY HES SOOO FUCKING HORNY ITS CRAZY!!!!! HE JUST WANTS TO HAVE SEX SO BAD !!!!!!! and like. in both the '31 movie and musical his stated reason for wanting to split ppl in half in the first place is that he wants the good halves to b free from the evil halves (and i mean in the musical this is def at least partially the truth) but his real reason is still the same as it was in the book, he wants to use it to help himself, and so that his evil half can be free from his good half. and in the context of a 1931 movie taking place in the victorian era, you're ABSOLUTELY supposed to view his "indecent desires" as pretty tame in actual badness compared to the way everyone treats them. he just wants to get married early! (to have sex w/ the woman he loves! whats wrong with that?) and he liked it when a pretty woman kissed him! (its miriam hopkins! who wouldnt?) so whereas the book could be interpreted as a warning abt the dangers of indulgence, the movie is much more clearly about the dangers of repression. im reminded of this clip:

it ALSO makes the indecent desire that goes unnamed in the book explicity sexual! imo its definitely easy to see it as implicity sexual in the book (and given victorian standards of sexual deviancy this makes it very easy to see a queer reading) but the fact that the thing he feels so guilty abt indulging in that he needs a whole separate identity to engage in it, and the fact that in the '31 movie that thing is just. innocent hetero horniness. like he just really wants to have sex w his fiance. and the only thing preventing this is her weird asshole dad w his arbitrary rules puts the movie firmly against sexual repression, and attributes (victorian) society's repressive influence to the cause of the tragedy. it almost becomes romeo and juliet-ish, where the arbitrary and stuffy expectations of a group of people end up ruining love and causing a tremendous tragedy. societal expectations about sex, like a family feud, end up being a completely meaningless barrier to happiness and we're absolutely supposed to see it that way. basically, if the couple was just allowed to get married sooner, or if jekyll was able to have sex before marriage, none of this would've happened.

ALSO. what i rly love abt jekyll and hyde is that even though they're constantly saying that jekyll is ALL the good parts and hyde is ALL the bad parts (in the book jekyll straight up decides himself which parts he thinks are good and which parts are bad, in adaptations its uh. less clear) HYDE is the one thats HAPPY. like, other than being evil in some vague way thats probably his most consistent trait. it would be another thing if hyde was grouchy and mean and miserable or something, but since hyde is absolutely DELIGHTED by his own evilness and jekyll spends all his time wallowing in shame, that means that for jekyll, to be good is to be miserable. its fun to think about how long this way of thinking had been ingrained in him, how this eventually led to the creation of hyde. how long has jekyll spent being suspicious and guilty over every little thing that makes him happy? its rly what sets jekyll and hyde apart from more explicit victorian morality tales, like in the coquette (pre-victorian, but whatever) and daisy miller, sexual over-indulgence leads to misery, and so the story is saying that moral (and especially, sexual) purity is the ONLY thing that can lead to happiness. whereas jekyll and hyde says that morality will not lead to happiness, and that for people like dr jekyll, they have to make an explicit choice between being good and being happy, and trying to be both will end up destroying them.

[meg2md]

Back to Life Is Really Hard (Residency Edition)

Things I've learned: I do like obstetrics. Mainly, I like that routine obstetric clinic visits are fast and easy, I like that I know how to do basic labor and triage tasks quickly and efficiently, and I like that I get to do cesarean deliveries. That being said, I think I can live without it. There's lots of confounding hours (like who's on my team, the better hours, etc), but gyne is where I'm much, much happier. And that's where I am now!! At the same time I'm trying to buckle up for MIGS applications which happen next year, and basically the advice given to me was to make peace with the numbers because it's possibly one of the most competitive fellowships across all specialties with a 50/50 chance. I'm motivated: I'm about to submit an IRB for my research project, I'm working on manuscript revisions for my med school paper, I'm involved with ACOG on a state level, I have another research project that might come to fruition, and I'm hoping to design a surgical skills curriculum for medical students. I've also started looking in-depth at away rotations for MIGS, and I'm making a spreadsheet of every program I want to apply to (so, probably 50-60 programs). But I also need to be realistic and have a Plan B, because it's a coin flip whether I match.

But to level with ya'll, despite this sliver of ambition I've regained, I'm SO depressed. Like, VERY FREAKING DEPRESSED. I'd say my mood is largely fine, but man, it is incredibly difficult to get out of bed, to be on time, want to be around my co-residents. I'm finally on weekly Prozac again, but my dose most likely needs increased. I'm also starting therapy (again) tomorrow. But it's just... hard. My life got pretty bad at the start of the year. My cat getting really sick, going into a lot of debt from vet bills and conference costs, my car getting vandalized. My oncology rotation was probably the worst I have ever performed in all of residency. I got some really, really tough feedback. It really knocked me on my ass. Things are slowly getting better, but again, I'm working against this baseline depression. The best I can describe it is just... heavy, or blurred. I lost my zest for life. It's like my life is muted.

I drew a tarot card yesterday to describe where I'm at in my life right now. I drew the 10 of Swords.

Yep. That's residency.

My tarot draws are always like this. I gravitate towards swords and cards like The Tower. It's not all bad, though. I like the concept of death, decay, and endings. I like that it creates fertile soil with which life can rise anew. Consider the artwork from the Light Seer's tarot:

We face the loss, the betrayal, the stress... whatever it is that is causing us so much pain. It will always be a part of us, but what rises up from the ashes is much brighter and stronger, "vulnerable, whole, and totally and powerfully alive."

I drew the Tower card before I drew the 10 of Swords. I like the chronology of it, too. It makes sense with the sequence of events in my life, first undergoing its major upheaval (my break-up with my fiance, moving to a new city alone, being dumped by the rebound I fell in love with, living independently for the first time in over a decade, all with the background of my chronic depression)... and then when the fire finally goes out and the dust settles... it's this empty, desiccated landscape, full of hurt and pain and loneliness. But despite all this, the sun still shines, the rain falls, and slowly life springs forth from the rot. I really resonate with cards like these, like Death, The Tower, The Fool, any card that represents endings and beginnings.

(Lol I lost my actual journal and my thoughts had to go somewhere so here we are.)

Anyway back to medicine (ugh), I'm again trying to focus on the ME outside of residency. The YA romantasy books, training for a Tough Mudder, resuming my interest in obscure non-fiction, tennis.

I'm also researching creatine??? IDK my brain is in a million places right now. My boxing class got cancelled so I biked for 40 minutes while watching 1000-lb sisters. Before I was obsessively looking up MIGS fellowship programs and I needed to get my mind OFF residency and medicine.

And since I find my mind drifting back to something that already occupies WAY TOO MUCH SPACE in my life, I'm gonna peace and work on Kingdom of Ash until I fall asleep

[cream-and-tea]

🌙 ⭐️ for the asks please!

asks! asks! asks! (game i took these from is right here)

🌙 Crescent moon - Do any of your character have to hide a part of themselves? Why?

oh absolutely because i love writing repressed little freaks and i also think that even the most open and honest characters almost always have some aspect of themselves they want to conceal even if they’re not aware of it. that kind of thing makes for really interesting conflict. it is hard to choose just one of my characters to ramble about for this since there’s so many of them, but i think i’m going to go with fiver because he’s such an extreme case. that guy isn’t just hiding A part of himself he is hiding EVERY part of himself knowingly and willingly and lying constantly to cover it up! in another world he’d be putting a fake name on his nametag at work and making up stories to impress people at clubs into buying him drinks but we’re here and he knows world-altering secrets instead! also he’s a late game main pov (i’m talking a one-off in the first books epilogue and then NOTHING until book 3) so we mostly see him through other characters eyes throughout the series, who all operate on varying levels of is-something-going-on-here-or-am-i-just-weird-about-this-guy?? (it’s both both is good) which is where you end up getting stuff like this:

And she likes Fiver. She does. Really. Truly. Probably because he’s impossible not to like. But as the days trip past it’s equally impossible to ignore the fact that talking to him feels an awful lot like talking to a one-way mirror. Seeing yourself reflected back ever-so-slightly tilted, knowing that there has to be something there just beyond the glass, behind the smile, but being unable to see past the light of your own shiny eyes in the cherry red tint of those infamous glasses.

as for WHY he’s like this… well you see- [COMICALLY LARGE TRUCK DRIVES PAST HONKING ITS HORN AND OBSCURING ME FROM VIEW] so yeah ☺️

⭐️ Star - Do you have a favourite character? If so, why are they your favourite?

i really wish this one was harder to answer because i love all of them so much i really really do, but it’s agnes-maria white (one of the mcs from my main project) alll the way for me. i think it’s because her voice just comes so? naturally?? to me? like i could be in her head for HOURS and not be worn down like i can get writing other characters. she just has a very strong presence to me and the arc i have planned for her is falling into place very very well even though i’m technically just at the beginning of it. she’s my best friend. she’s my specialist girl in the whole wide world. she’s 17. she’s never had a friend her age who wasn’t literally actually dead. she’s got mommy issues. she’s more worried about about being a closeted lesbian than about the cult that’s trying to kill her. shes an extrovert that doesn’t know how to talk to people. she’s filled with incredible kindness. she’s weird about god. she’s got the biggest brown eyes you’ve ever seen. she’s an “i can fix him” girl. she basically got into magic school by wandering through the death woods looking like three day old roadkill. she’s filled with incredible rage. she immediately imprints on anyone who is passingly nice to her. she was born to wear novelty earrings and listen to lo-fi beats to study and relax to but she’s in the fucking torture labyrinth instead. she’s even catholic.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary340

8/25-26/24

sunday-monday

i watched the passion of joan of arc today.

incredible film, one of the best ever, every shot is incredibly pretty, it feels rather soviet-inspired in a way, at least from what i know, a lot of the editing and montage stuff, the extreme closeups. god, it moves like little else, and it's really what i'm interested in seeing with these silent films, where it really gets at a more out there notion of grammar/narrative arrangement, a lot of them do give me that because they're so distant but there is a way they make sense as well, this feels shocking still, the scene where she bleeds, both in its place among images, and as image, the way the shots of her face, her expressions, and the performance on display too, no other performance like it on earth, they all add up and you cannot prevent yourself from crying as she does, and when she's on the scaffold we really are the carnival, the crowd, we are there knowing her to be sainted and condemned by the hierarchy of the church, of faith which seeks symbols that can be made sense of, the cold logic, and then the heat of believing, or maybe most root, of affirming life, the passion. so often she says "oui", and that ending, i can't believe the explosion of the people, the violence, the soldiers beating people, how it's as much an explosion within the film's way of operating. it's so much. of course, the presence of artaud in the film as an actor, seeing him realize what has happened, his gentler style of asking her why, what these things mean, his face upon realizing what has happened and that failure, his face, my god, maybe him being really beautiful helps this along but he made me cry and feel as much as she did, maybe with the force of his work behind him, god. and the sets in the film, i want to read up on how it was made and things, becuz i wonder if it's pointedly not trying to draw attention to those places, to have them be white negative spaces with odd shadows, an almost more expressionist approach with some of the shots... i dunno... a lot to think about with this film, it's just massively important... it's so beautiful... it's achingly beautiful, truly truly achingly beautiful.

any more thoughts on dennis cooper's new book?... not particularly... wish i wuz smarter. well here's a quotation i marked when i finished up the book, that i neglected to post (this is how it appears in the book sans caps):

" 'forgot about world existing around you. you can change yourself into infinity, but still get the changes to the location from where you left. may i know who you are and where do you live?' there is no real description on whats going through my head at the moment. all i can say, someone will get hurt."

writing it out, what's striking me now is that he uses this kind of broken person freaked out online type writing as well as extremely, pointedly, literary, ways of speaking which draw attention to the gaps in what they can express, it feels especially the focus of the internet people ones that he's trying to get at this blanchot type thing, the failure of thought, the impossibility of constancy, of any 'self', these people even when stuck place, doing single things, feeling terrible and lost, well they are lost, impossible to find in the first place. it's odd. there's no beginning with some of these characters, they are not, they just do, but their relation to themselves and even their actions is pretty, well, they're alien to it, that they exist, they could not smell themselves, ghosts of their own lives. which is less about some emotional thing, some tragedy of that, everything is imbued with tragic character here so it's not special in that way, it's more like, i don't want to say deep, maybe it's the opposite, it's not about it being sad or messed up that people feel that way, it's that they are that way, that there's this impossibility at all levels, where something strange gets admitted, which is why i marked that quotation, you can change yourself into infinity. who are you. where do you live. there is no description. it's not flowery for the sake of it, it is pointedly about dissolving any linear sense. i guess in a sense it's an effort at montage in text almost? it gives that feeling though it is quite contrary to montage in that it's not images cycling together to produce something else... it's admission that thoughts give up on themselves, that this is their own articulation, that moment to moment , us caught in the vicious circle, there's these shifts, inconstant hearts, and when caught up in atrocity... then what??? in the story gold, where a father fucks his kid, and it's revealed he was similarly fucked and was this popstar boy and how painful it is to not be what he was, that pain isn't like sharp, or dull even, it's diffuse it's just a lamentation that can't complete itself or know itself. it happens with the everything else, awfulness is partially an avalanche, as much as being someone who wants to die online, it's all this nightmare avalanche thing.

this is why he is such an excellent writer!!

and here's pics of me from the other day!!:

that bolero type thingy is super cute, imo... very striking and odd thing.

listening to this rn:

i have been rather into suzy sheer lately, a little undersung in the whole electroclash revival thang going on, i like how much they veer witch house w/ some of the stuff, though there's this song where they let the vocals be less ethereal and i really love it, i think it might be two people producing and then using sampled vox?? but i can't totally tell:

i think this song's genius... so it's like this, pg.99 and the locust lately.. +the death of anna karina. and other stuff. it's all kindsa junk. it's every junk... didn't read stricture today, and i should sleep soon but this blissed ep from suzy sheer i haven't heard yet so i'll just read a bit while listening still. 2nd song on it, days, has a cute disco bassline which i love 2 hear,,, i also love to do that in my songs.... swaeg. .. gonna read now then sleep... my gf has her first day teaching tomorrow... good luck teaching my best friend. reading now. #brb,.

new word to me: propaedeutic, a kind of preparatory study for something, introductory studies, introduction to things... but especially study i suppose.

only a few pages into stricture, i am liking it, it has a hurried quality that recalls how lispector can write. so far she is just imagining herself being abducted by aliens, in an orderly and pleasant way almost, convinced of them, packing for it, sitting and waiting, thinking about her routine and the escape from that. she is a child, now, i imagine she will stop being a child at some point.

i must sleep now,

so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thegongoozlerreacts]

Welcome Home: Homewarming Update

ok so. yes i KNOW its been like several weeks already since this has been first updated and im very much late to the party (thankfully not late enough to have missed everything) but i was soooo freaking busy since the update dropped, and now i finally have the time to check it out!!!! lets GOOO!!!

spoilers under the cut

so number one thing i noticed: new link and in fact, new site domain (is that what its called?? well my point is that it's no longer being hosted by wix which yeah, that makes sense)

another thing i noticed is there are no more bug videos and doodle audio (aww)

i havent checked if the askew letter links still work but i will check now

ok just checked and nope! does not work, which means most of the secret links prior to this website change are no longer working (unsure if they'll be added back later on, but i hope they will) it's not too bothersome that they're gone, since im sure they've all been uploaded somewhere on YouTube, but it's more fun going to the actual links myself hehe

anyways! moving on to the actual update

Christmas!! or, as they call it, Homewarming

the little doodles are cute, however I am a bit suspicious of the star with its red eye (but the ham is most suspicious, what's it doing there in a tree?!?!?)

interesting placement for this tree, since it is boxing in a letter

i wonder if that means there's some new secret links? i'll take note of it

now, let's head over to the News page

he is presenting jello to me

so the post regarding the actual update is dated as December 25 2023, followed by a correction where the person says they're unsure how they made that mistake

lolol nice we got Christmas in spring

anyways, it says that there are toys, more cookbook pages, AND more vinyl records!! excited to check these out!!

let's head on over to the Merchandise page

??? CIGARETTES????

bro 😭😭 who thought it was a good idea to sell child-friendly tobacco pipes,,, thats crazy,,, also another brand mention: Hooplah cigarettes

ok so among the website changes, there's also some changes to old stuff, such as the telephone (the layout for the audio is different, and it seems Wally's audio is no longer there (not even hidden, like before)

new cookbook pages!

the first ten pages are of various hotdogs with one-sentence puns about them,, incredible

this one is my favorite LMFAOOO

DD: OH NO !!!

the crispy sweets pancakes look like they'll give me diabetes

the single pea in gelatin recipe is singlehandedly the funniest recipe i've ever seen because like,,, you made a whole gelatin, and you put just a single pea in the center of it,, just one.. LMFAOOOO

Julie's gelatin just. makes you put in a whole MUG in the gelatin?!??!?!? a mug full of hot cocoa??!? at least Frank's gelatin is edible all throughout?!?!?!

bye i saw 'Poppy Partridge' and the picture of a turkey and i was like '?? yOU COOKED HER???' but then i read the full title and it says it's a bird-free birdseed turkey LMFAO

perfect. the best recipe in this whole cookbook, im sure

there's a cigarette here?? even tho this isnt the smoking merch?? its a book??

so the book is a catalogue for toys and merch they were selling during the holidays, very cool

hELP THEY LOOK SO SILLY

what did they do to my boys 😭😭 his forehead is MASSIVE

lowkey tho i want that Julie Build-Your-Own-Game Kit cuz like wow, that is a bunch of toys in that one kit n its really cheap????

oh my god i just realized. the Marlo logo looks like a swirly eye inside a house what the hell

anywyas now its time for the radio advertisement ft. Santa himself

hmm interesting how the ad ends in glitchy noises upon saying Eddie's name, the only one who was not mentioned with a specific set unlike the others (tho that may not be that important of a detail)

next up is another storybook record! featuring Wally singing a song??!? awesoem

sorry im laughing at the absolute difference in tone and energy between the Narrator and Wally

Narrator's got a boisterous loud voice and then cut to Wally in his little low-energy voice LMFAO

Barnaby and Wally are so cute together <333

FRANK: How I would say what? JULIE: What who would the huh?

LMFAO the way Julie said her line was way too funny

FRANK: (Frank greets Wally Warmly, but is cold with Barnaby.) Hello, Wally. Barnaby. BARNABY: (Said in a similar tone mockingly.) Hiya Jewels! Frank.

Frank and Barnaby fighting is honestly one of the funniest dynamics in the whole Neighborhood to me

Julie goes into hibernation?? legit ??? nice

HELP ME WALLY JUST DEADPAN SAYING 'Shush.' TO BARNABY'S LOUD ASS VOICE LMFAOOAOA

i dont think the 'Caninus Coccinellidae' is a real bug that exists, since i tried searching it up and only got coccinellidae in general i wonder what exactly this insect is, since the word 'caninus' means it relates to canines or dogs a dog ladybug sounds like a very interesting creature

help did Howdy somehow sneak an advertisement for his store in the narrator's script 😭😭 incredible

i really like Howdy's voice, its really fitting for him

SALLY IS CLIMBING THE TREE?????

she's climbing it to stay the biggest star in town LMFAO

is she just gonna be there the whole season or something??? at least her outfit slays???

i love how dramatic Sally is but like girlie dont fall off the tree??!??!?!

oh Santa Claus mention

this talk about food is making me hungry LOL

wait did the narrator just say that all the neighborhood's been accounted for?? but what about Eddie??? he hasnt shown up??

what the hell?? what's that weird noise in the back of Wally saying 'How can that be?' is it a voice? it kinda sounds like its saying something

well this was a very cute story (still wondering where Eddie is)

after this is audio of Wally singing!! more Wally singing!! very cool

and now we've got an album of (almost) everyone else singing too!

interestingly, there's a drawing of an envelope on the audio tab thing i wonder if thats important

Sally's really good at singing actually all their singing voices are really good

SALLY: Juliette, I fell from the sky, you fell from a house... LMFAO they're so silly

next up is a track featuring Howdy's family? oooh

i cant believe his mom and dad are named 'Hiya' and 'Biya' respectively,,, amazing,, is the rest of the family gonna be named with words used for greetings and farewells??

his brother is named Latter tho oh,, Latter like 'later' like 'see ya later' because his sister and brother are named Seeya and Latter and wow,,,, amazing

also Howdy's clear favorites LMFAO

ok i kinda feel bad for Latter that Howdy likes his brother-in-law more than his own brother 😭

also?? Seeya and Beeya's kids being named Howdo and Youdo??? amazing lmao

also its interesting how on the album cover you can see how Howdy's parents and his sister have wings but theyre still caterpillars???

i think its really funny that there's just some random person there named 'Sue' who isnt even part of the family LMFAOO

also the grandma being named Sally Tations is really clever i think

Barnaby showing up at the end only adds fuel to the fire of my Barnaby x Howdy ship

and now its the tobacco pipe merch that absolutely baffles me

the ad audio features Barnaby and Howdy advertising it to Howdy's nephews,,,,, at least theyre not letting them smoke for real?????

now we got a Frank solo album where he sings a song about hibernation, cute

Even if I might not be able to see you, I know it’s for the best, I can’t keep you,

OUCH? this song is kinda sad what the fuck 😭😭 aww Frank :(((

more merchandise after this is some greeting cards for homewarming that are very cute, but not much to see other than a hibernating Julie and Barnaby and Wally being besties

after that is a crispy sweets frosted cereal, that apparently has a holiday-themed decoder ring?? with Eddie?? hmmm interesting

OH MY GOD. THE LITTLE DRAWINGS ALL OVER THE SITE ARE FOR THIS DECODER RING???

but whats the key?? is it just this as it is on the box? is there another clue on the site?

ok i think first i will finish checking all the pages before going around and looking for the symbols

checking the guestbook, and while you still cant submit anything new, it seems there also is just... no more guestbook?? thats too bad

theres new Homewarming stickers!! i love them theyre so cute!! everyone in a snowglobe doing things that we've heard them doing in the storybook audios! nice nice

nothing new in media, the 'whats welcome home' page, and the about us page (besides the Homewarming symbols)

oh actually something notable about the About Us page is that there is no longer any of the glitchy overlayed text, which makes sense since they mention in the News page that the website is free of bugs and glitches

aww everyone's homes in The Neighborhood page are all Homewarming-themed now! hmm except for Home and Eddie's post office

well, you can see a decorated Home when you enter the page but the Post Office being the only not decorated even a bit is interesting,,, Eddie also wasnt in the Homewarming Storybook Record,,, hmmmm

i dont know if it means anything but it is interesting

the staff only version of The Playfellow Exhibition is no longer on the site (or if it is i cant find it)

well it seems like i've gone through every new thing besides the secret code, which i think might be a link, since on the guestbook page there were 3 symbols that looked like a genie's lamp, which translates to 'w' so its probably a link

actually, now that im looking at it closer its probably like. a cup like the one that pours out gravy in the dinner scene in Coraline

ok im pretty sure i've got all the symbols scattered over the site, but i have NO idea what order they should be in

i, o, m, a, a, r, e, t, y, g, y, e, r, f, s, n, e, w, n, w, w, w, y

maybe instead of a link its a scrambled message?

ok i honestly have no idea where to go from here so,,, searching the internet it is !!

OK!!! since i am so incredibly late to the party, i've found the secret code on the internet kakakka

it is this https://www.awayfrompryingeyes.net

oh that makes sense,,, its a phrase that was similar to one used in the news update about Homewarming "Don’t you feel at peace exploring these pages? Free from worry? From prying eyes?"

very very interesting! lets check it out

very very interesting indeed,, ok so basically this site is gonna be an archive for the secrets from before, and all entries are signed 'W' which is very interesting too

the person writing these seem to be the creator of the site? or at least someone who manages the site

lets check out the evidence thats been archived here so far

ok so i think these evidences are actually NEW things which is cool! presumably past secrets (such as the bug videos, doodle audios, askew letters and others) will be added onto here at some point in time

now lets listen to this phone call that 'W' has gotten from Wally himself

so Wally is singing Toyland again

i wonder if there will ever come a time where we can be able to respond or communicate with Wally

he mentions that Barnaby will be here soon hmm tbh when the site first launched i had read some theories that maybe Wally was literally physically isolated from the rest of the neighborhood (something to do with the so below stuff i think?) but if Wally is being a reliable narrator (as in, he's telling the truth that Barnaby really is gonna visit him soon), then that disproves that

he seems to be left alone most of the time tho i think?? well at least now during Homewarming season since he said everyone's busy

he might not be physically isolated from the rest of the neighborhood, but he probably still feels pretty lonely :((

anyways, the next evidence is under 'commercials' i wonder what this will be

omg??? animated stuff??? thats so cool :000 an animated commercial for crispy sweets, incredible

oh! a commercial for the cookbook why is there just. a ham?? under the tree ?? i think the one single pea on a plate is the funniest gag ever

Wally's ball and cup,,,, what does it say about me that even tho its not real i still want it??? its said to be made by the 'you-wont-believe-it' company, which is interesting since im pretty sure so far the only companies noted to be involved with Welcome Home is Playfellow, Marlo, and the crispy sweet cereal so now we've got another affiliation (oh and the cigarette brand, Hooplah)

commercial for the "Homewarming Harmonies for Hearth and Home" Album, featuring a duet with Frank and Poppy!! Poppy's voice sounds really good also the Homewarming tree is made of food???

A COMMERCIAL FEATURING EDDIE ?? Eddie who has been suspiciously absent from the Homewarming festivities??

ah i see... Eddie's been working during Homewarming huh? maybe thats why the Post Office isnt decorated and he wasnt in the storybook record? cuz he was working??? no but thats weird,, Wally and Barnaby were walking around so surely they wouldve at least bumped into him delivering stuff?? maybe he was in his post office then?

an ad-break card with Frank and Sally, cute cute i remember there was a similar holiday-themed 'we'll be right back' card with Frank and Julie decorating a cake, i wonder if that will appear here?

OH?? a commercial featuring Barnaby's mom?? aww ok their dynamic is cute (even if its just a commercial for eggnog)

OMG ANOTHER ANIMATED COMMERCIAL WITH HOWDY AND BARNABY its for the cigarettes LOL

EDDIE AGAIN oH NO I FEEL SO BAD FOR HIM IS HE ALONE ON THE HOLIDAYS??? SO HE'S JUST BEEN IN THE POST OFFICE THIS WHOLE TIME BY HIMSELF???? PLEASE,,,, EDDIE GO OUTSIDE or someone like. go inside or call this man i cant take the idea of Eddie being alone wtf?!??!?!?

and now an ad-break card with Poppy and Julie

and now what i think is a continuation of the commercial for the Homewarming album

NOOOOOOOO EDDIE....... GO OUTSIDE JUST DONT WORK...... PLEASE..... someone give this man something to deliver GAH he's mad ?!??! Eddie Dear please go outside (SOMEONE TALK TO THIS MAN) he's played several games of tic-tac-toe by himself,,,, my guy,,,, go on that walk thank you

the fact that Eddie isnt in ANY of these commercials,, oh my god,,,,,,,

another continuation for the Homewarming album

Sally, Julie, and Poppy singing together,,, thats so cute,,

i cant. everyone hanging out together in these commercials with no Eddie in sight i feel so bad

FRANK AND SALLY FIGHTING?!??!

is this a commercial for sleeping pills????? im ??? this show is so so crazy like ?? the in-universe show i mean,, cuz what?? they got so many merchandise and records and a bunch of brand deals and its all just been wiped?!??!?! like ?? what happened???

oh no time to dwell on that we got Sally and Eddie lets go he's getting some social interaction

lets go he has a happy ending he's at the party !!!

ok i read ahead in the transcript and oh no im afraid now ?? Eddie?? hello?? Eddie are you ok?? i dont think this man is ok he needs help oh my god what is this

im scared LOL this was not a good idea to do at 3 am im really unnerved right now but mostly i think this guy needs help someone please help him

something about reality is shattering for him i think??? maybe ?? its the way the video is going back and forth between live-action scenes and a drawing of Eddie's face (and Home's eyes)

jesus that was a jumpscare with Frank's voice coming in out of the silence

ah its still all glitchy and distorted i dont know what's the correct term for what Eddie is experiencing but he is NOT having a good time

FRANK SWITCHING FROM CALLING HIM 'MR. DEAR' TO 'EDDIE' HAS ME ILL being in Eddie's perspective with static in the ears while he's looking down is so. i dont know how to explain it but its uncomfortable and unnerving (which is probably what he's feeling)

the fact that he only looks up after Frank probably shook his shoulders or something to get his attention ughdjskdhfkjdssjkjkew (cuz his arms are outstretched when the camera pans up to look at his face/when Eddie looks up at Frank)

bro that was a jumpscare with the narrator after like,, that whole segment i guess

so rewatching that last bit when Eddie seems to be like. present enough to respond/say something or be aware of whats going on i guess, the screen gets less glitchy and distorted and thats like a nice detail

so thats why Eddie’s been kinda just,, missing from the Homewarming on the actual site

i hope Eddie turns out ok :(((( PLEASE THIS STORY NEEDS TO HAVE A HAPPY ENDING OR I WILL CRY SO HARD THAT I WILL TRANSFORM INTO AN OYSTER

interestingly W’s note after the compiled commercials says that “the show never appeared beyond clips of Eddie Dear”

so all those segments with Eddie were, i guess, the ‘holiday special’ that the commercials were interrupting and all

thats so so crazy,, im so late to the party but i honestly dont even know where to begin with all of that but like. im rooting for you Eddie !!!!!

well thats it for now, until the next update! make sure to wave up high, neighbors

[novelmonger]

Milly Thompson, Vash the Stampede, Legato Bluesummers, Roy Mustang, Schezka, Izumi Curtis, Van Hohenheim

From this ask game

*shudder* I don't want to go anywhere with Legato! What's wrong with you???? D8

Go grocery shopping with - Milly!!! I wanna go grocery shopping with my sweet Milly! She'd be able to carry most of the groceries herself - most of which would be pudding cups, probably XD But she just seems like she would make anything fun, and she's always so cheerful. We could chat about our families and our jobs, and everything would just be so normal - even though she's anything but.

Have lunch with - I would love to get to taste whatever Izumi Curtis would make for lunch. I'd be a little scared of her, no doubt, but maybe if I just work hard at helping her cook and then wash dishes, she won't yell or anything. After all, I wouldn't be her pupil, so she'd probably be pretty kind. I would totally freak out if she coughed up blood while I was there, though :'(

Have coffee with - Ugh, this is going to sound like worst self-insert fic ever, but...Roy Mustang >///< I would be extremely flustered and tongue-tied, because he would turn up the charm and make it seem like we're on a date in a cute little cafe. But then it would become clear that it's a front for some mission, or the whole point is to pass along information or something like that. Which would be cool enough in its own way. But...you know...it would be really nice to hear his laugh and see him smile, even if he were faking it. We don't see near enough of that in canon.

Go thrift shopping with - I think it would be really fun (and funny!) to go thrifting with Vash XD It would be hilarious to watch his antics, and adorable to watch his fascination with like...children's toys, or antiques that remind him of somebody he used to know. And of course, Vash being Vash, we'd probably end up in a holdup or a shootout or something, which would suck, but at least I'd get to see his incredible gunslinging skills up close, and I know no one would get hurt. Except maybe him :(

Explore a museum/art gallery/aquarium with - Can you imagine going to an art gallery with a man who was alive when most, if not all, of the artists were alive? Maybe he even knew some of them personally! Hohenheim got around! Not to mention, there's probably some artists among the 536,329 souls inside him! He could explain all the interesting backstories and tidbits and artist's techniques that you don't get on the little plaque underneath the frame. And maybe he'd been to some of those places, and he could tell me whether it was an accurate depiction or not. What I'm saying is, Theophrastus Bombastus van Hohenheim would make the best tour guide ever. (This would also apply to a science or history museum, but for some reason my mind latched onto art instead.)

Go the library/bookstore with - Well, obviously I have to go to the library with Scieszka! She would know where all the best books are! Her recommendations would be so good! I bet I could give her a list of my favorite books, and she'd immediately grab a whole stack of books in the same vein that would last me the next year!

Have as a plus-one at a wedding - Okay, okay, fine. Legato would ask me to go with him to a wedding for some unfathomable reason, and I would say yes because I would be terrified not to, and then at the first opportunity, I would make an excuse to go to the bathroom, and then try to climb out a window and escape, except he'd probably figure out what I was trying to do and then kill me. Or force me to kill myself. Either way, it ain't gonna be pretty. Unless Vash gets wind of it and comes over from the thrift store and saves us all.

[sapphosclosefriend]

- Expect the unexpected -

Pairing: Nerd! Natasha Romanoff x Popular! Fem! Reader

Genre: fluff, smut

Summary: When everyone wants to get a night with you, maybe giving the tall nerdy redhead a go is the best thing you can do.

Word count: 2052

Warnings: bottom! Reader, top! Natasha Romanoff, slight slut shaming (not from pookie bear Nat ofc), making out, SMUT, thigh riding, r being a big tease

A/N: this story contains explicit smut, so anyone who isn’t 18+ DNI. This is set at the end of the last year of high school, which means that everyone involved is of age (at least in my country everyone is at least 18 by the end of high school but I know that in some countries you only go to high school for 4 years instead of 5 like, for example, I did). I’m gonna use the lessons “layout” that I’m familiar with, as I don’t know enough about other countries’ school systems. This means that the school year starts in September and ends at the beginning of June, with the final exams for graduation starting in the middle of June. As usual, likes, reblogs and comments are very appreciated! Enjoy <3

Masterlist

It is may, it is freaking may, how is it already may? You are panicking, you really don’t know how the hell you never realised that time was moving so fast, perhaps it is the fact that you’ve only focused on your literature classes to have the best grades possible and get into your dream university starting at the top, but it suddenly hits you. It is May and you still don’t have a passing grade in maths and physics. Yes, you’re not gonna study those subjects ever again after graduating high school, but in order to do it in the first place, you have to have somewhat decent grades. Shit, how the hell are you gonna get higher grades when you don’t even know what the professor has been talking about for the past two months?

You try to take the matter in your own hands and start reading the needed chapter of the maths book you’ve barely opened, it won’t be so hard if you closely follow the freaking book, right? Wrong, you don’t understand a single word written in the damn thing, useless waste of paper.

After some more desperation you resolve to the last thing you wanted to do, ask for help.

You are, for some unknown reason, pretty popular at school. Ok, it may or may not be because apparently everyone lusts after you. In fact, you may or may not have had a couple dozen people try to ask you out just in the past three months, but in your defence, they were just porn-addicted guys who wanted to get lucky for one night. It actually all started getting a lot more frequent since the spreading of the (true) rumor of you sleeping with the student body president Wanda Maximoff, another person the whole school thirsted over. You actually spent a couple good times together, but you knew from the get go that she “didn’t commit” as she had to focus on school, a decision you were fine with. Soon after, the whole school considered you the hottie who apparently gives incredible head, thanks to Wanda spreading the news so effectively and your past companions confirming.

Despite some people calling you a slut, even directly to your face, you know that you never did anything wrong, they’re all just uptight assholes who can’t get laid and get angry at your sometimes teasing demeanour.

Now, you have the phone number of almost any top maths and physics student, as they were even handed to you personally by the owners, hoping for you to eventually be in need of help, like you are right now. You end up deciding to just go to class and try to ask the person who inspires you the most at the moment.

The next day, as the maths class is nearing its end, you still have no idea who you are willing to talk to, when the feeling of someone watching you from behind gets impossible to ignore. As you turn around you see a tall redhead quickly move her eyes away from you while nervously biting her lip. You know her, actually, you only know her name and the fact that she definitely could be of help, as she even got a scholarship in the top national university when it comes to maths and physics. Natasha Romanoff, that’s her name, which you remember very well since that party at your friend’s house, where no one took you seriously as you talked about how you think she’s pretty hot.

You finally make a decision just as the bell rings. You immediately stand up and turn around to look at Natasha who, as she stands as well, you notice is actually a lot taller than you, damn that’s hot. You look up at her and, when you notice the nervousness behind her eyes, you softly smile at her and introduce yourself, despite her already knowing your name. You go straight to the point and ask her for help.

“I just need to meet a couple times to get the main points. I don’t care about being the best, I just need the bare minimum. Would you help me out?”

She looks at you with a stunned expression for a couple seconds, before breaking out of her trance when you smile at her once again.

“I- yeah, I mean, of course I can, yeah..yeah!”

“Yeah” you teasingly repeat, making you bite your lip as she blushes a little bit.

You end up deciding to meet up at her house later that day, as her parents and sister are out, so you can also look over the homework your professor just gave you. You happily say goodbye and leave her stunned at the encounter she just had.

Just like everyone else at school, she is drooling over you, the only difference being that she’s never tried a single move on you. That’s why you didn’t even think about her at first, as she didn’t give you her number before today.

By the end of the day you find yourself freshly showered and wearing a cute outfit you know will make Nat’s jaw drop. You truly need to do some tutoring, but there wouldn’t be anything wrong in trying to test the waters as well. You don’t even care about your friends’ teasing, thinking about Nat all day just made you more and more desperate for her.

As you get to the address she previously messaged you, you find her ready to open the door right before you can ring the bell, letting you in and checking you out as you look around her house, getting lost in the skin of your thighs getting exposed by the sundress you’re wearing.

You end up sitting in the living room, your books left in your bag and only a notebook at hand. Listening to Nat passionately talk about what she loves really makes it all easy to understand. How the hell does your professor make everything sound so complicated? You spend a good couple hours listening to her and asking questions from time to time, feeling shocked at the amount of stuff that you were able to go through. It will definitely be easier than you thought to get your grades on track thanks to Nat.

Deciding on stopping for the day, you start to gather your stuff in your bag while asking Nat some questions about herself, wanting to know more about her. After looking slightly shocked at first she shily answers while looking anywhere but at you. As you are sitting on the couch with one leg under the other, your dress rides up your thighs a bit more, making her lose her concentration. Of course you notice what’s happening, but you feign innocence and touch her much bigger hand and ask her if she’s alright, making her fully stop talking as she sees the way you’re rubbing your thumb on the back of her hand. As her eyes move higher and lock with yours, she notices the way you are looking at her lips, making you let out a small whimper when she slowly wets them.

She suddenly realises how close you’ve moved to her and, when you whisper her name she can’t hold herself back anymore, suddenly kissing you with so much hunger that you can’t keep yourself from moaning at the urge she’s displaying. When you lick her lower lip, asking for entrance, she immediately accepts and surprises you with the way a simple kiss of hers takes your breath away.

When she pulls away, you are both panting like you just ran a marathon and your heart starts beating even faster when you take her in, looking hotter than ever, making you rub your legs together to try to relieve some of the discomfort you are now feeling, a sight that makes her lowly moan and grab your face to continue your previous activity.

After heavily making out, you make her fully sit while keeping your lips locked all the time, not being able to get enough of each other, just to straddle her and lock your arms behind her neck, making sure to stay connected as much as possible. When you inevitably have to breathe properly you notice how stiff she is, with her hands on the couch under her.

You lean back, fully sitting on her thighs, and take her hands to guide them over your body, over your waist, your hips and finally placing them on your ass, making her throw her head back when she finally squeezes it, at first lightly and then with more force, making you moan out loud. You then lean down and immediately start nipping at her neck more and more as she thoroughly kneads your ass cheeks as you involuntarily move your hips back and forth over her thighs.

When you feel her panting under you, you just stop marking her neck and lean back once again, only to fully take off your dress, revealing your bare boobs and your underwear being the last piece of clothing on your body. At the sight of your tits’ slight wiggle when you fully remove your dress, Nat just lets out a loud moan while once again squeezing your ass. You know what she wants and you also know that she’ll never do it herself, so you grab her hands and this time you move them up to your chest, which she gladly touches mouth-opened, as if she’s never seen a pair of tits in her life, which may be the case.

As she tentatively runs her thumbs over your nipples you throw your head back and expose your neck to her, giving her the perfect opportunity to start kissing it. You truly feel desperate for her and, as you run your fingers through her hair while she sucks the skin of your neck while pulling your nipples, you start rolling your hips over her with much more will. After moving around a little bit, you are able to fully straddle her thigh, making her notice only when she feels your slick soak through your underwear and her pants.

At this moment, with you desperately riding Nat and her watching your boobs bounce a little with each roll of your hips, the lust in the room is more prominent than ever. You feel your peak quickly approaching when she suddenly leans over to suck on your tits, even leaving one or two hickeys on top of them, making you feel like you just could never be more attracted to her than right now.

When you tell her that you’re cumming, she leans back on the couch to fully take you in when you finally reach your orgasm, your head thrown back and chest heaving at the immense pleasure and relief you feel, a sight that makes her groan and that she’ll never ever forget. When you look back at her, still panting and with reddened lips, she can’t help but lean in to pull you flush against her and kiss you, moaning a little when she feels your nipples poke her chest through her shirt.

Soon things get heated once again, but you are only able to take her shirt off and teasingly ask her where she hid those perfect guns, before you hear the bell ring and her sister’s voice asking to open the door, as she forgot her keys.

After you hurriedly put your clothes back on and get your stuff, you both go up to the door, Nat opening it and you quickly walking past Yelena while saying goodbye and telling Nat that you’ll be texting her. When she’s sure you’re far enough, Yelena looks at Nat dead in the eye and just tells her

“You just fucked, in my house.”

“No, we didn’t..and it’s my house as well”

“Yeah yeah and I bet that she just spilled some water on your pants” Yelena finally says with a disgusted look while going inside.

There was indeed a noticeable wet spot on Nat’s leg which only made her mind go back to your previous activities and how beautiful you looked while lost in pleasure. As she starts to get lost in the memories, Nat receives a message from you

“Looking out for your next lesson, tutor ;)”

.

.

Part 2

[soleminisanction]

An earlier ask reminded me that there’s still one sequence of Batgirl (2009) that I’ve always wanted to break down because my frustration with it is palpable so…why not. This is as good a time as ever. Let’s talk about Issue 24 and extended fantasy sequence that makes up the very end of this series.

See, apparently—and I have not been able to find a first-hand record of the interview that confirms this, so take it with a grain of salt—Brian Q. Miller decided that, since the universe was getting reset in the wake of Flashpoint, his Batgirl was getting canceled and Stephanie was getting retconned out of existence for the New52, he would use a fantasy sequence in the final issue show off all the wonderful ideas he never got to do because of editorial meddling or whatever. Which is… fine. Y’know? I get it, it’s utterly self-indulgent but not an invalid way to deal with your book getting canceled before you can finish all you set out to do.

The thing is though, sequences like this don’t just exist in the vacuum of their Doylist explanation. The entire narrative point of fantasy sequences like this, whether they’re fear gas, or lotus eater machines, or especially the Black Mercy, isn’t just to have a cool spectacle for the audience to look at, it’s to take a part of the character’s inner life and put it on display for everyone to see.

So the question I’m asking here is: what does a Watsonian reading of finale sequence say about Our Heroine, Stephanie Brown?

Quick primer for those of you who may be unfamiliar: the Black Mercy is an Alan Moore creation, originally introduced in the story he wrote with Dave Gibbons for 1985’s Superman Annual #11 – “For the Man Who has Everything.”

If you’re my age, you may be more familiar with this story as a fantastic episode of Justice League Unlimited, which has the notable distinction of being the only Alan Moore adaptation that the old warlock actually likes. The basic story of both is the same: Batman and Wonder Woman (and, in the comic, the Jason Todd Robin) arrive at the Fortress of Solitude for Superman’s birthday, only to find that Mongul has trapped Supes under the influence of the Black Mercy, a magical alien parasite that digs its vines into its victim’s chest while trapping their minds in an illusion of their ideal perfect life.

“For the Man Who has Everything” is regarded as one of the best Superman stories ever written so it’s honestly kind of a surprise that the Black Mercy has only shown up a handful of times since then. But I’m not complaining, because it means the concept hasn’t been diluted much… with this appearance in Batgirl being a notable exception, in weird ways that make me really wonder what was intentional and what wasn’t.

See, this whole thing starts when Steph confronts her father, Arthur Brown, alias the Cluemaster, in his prison cell. And Arthur—a second-rate Riddler knock-off whose only experience outside of Gotham was an extremely brief Suicide Squad adventure to Iceland where everybody died—just, has a Black Mercy, an incredibly rare and dangerous magical alien super plant, sitting in his prison cell. As you do.

Arthur then puts Steph under the Mercy’s influence to cover his escape from the cell, but he doesn’t subject her to the Black Mercy for real, he crushes one of the blossoms and blows it in her face, which his dialogue implies is something he regularly does to himself as a recreational experience.

Which means that, despite the following pages making a big freaking deal about “spores in her system” and Barbara gushing about how special Stephanie is for being able to, quote, “fight the Mercy and win,” it’s all a load of shit. Arthur didn’t need to be rushed to the hospital every time he took this drug, so it would follow the Stephanie doesn’t either.  

That would actually make a lot of sense for Arthur as a character—for all his faults, he’s usually written as caring for his family and not wanting Stephanie permanently hurt (a sentiment she generally doesn't return). Hell, his last appearance before this one was trying to get revenge for her death. If that was intentional, it would mean that in the above panel, Stephanie knows that Barbara’s conclusion about her “fighting the Mercy” is full of shit and just, isn’t telling her.

I have no confidence that it was intentional—given the rest of the series I think it’s far more likely that Miller & Co. just didn’t want the icky flower vines to mess up Steph’s boobies and thus came up with a convoluted alternative that they immediately forgot the rules for—but I wish it was because it would actually be an interesting character turn. Black Mercy stories usually hinge on the emotional climax of the enraptured hero choosing to give up the beautiful illusion of a life they can never have in order to return to the hard world where they have real friends and heroic responsibilities waiting for them. Just ask anyone who still cries over this scene:

Stephanie not getting that moment and only escaping because it’s a temporary drug would imply that she’s still very susceptible to her own desires. It’s a way that she’s fallen short compared to others who’ve been subjected to the full Black Mercy experience. And who knows, maybe she could’ve pulled herself out of it if the illusion had lasted longer… but maybe she wouldn’t have. She can’t know. And that doubt could sit with her.

It doesn't. But it could, in a better story.

And then there’s the illusion itself. Keep in mind as we go through this, this montage, in-universe, represents Stephanie’s idea of her ideally perfect life. Just for comparison, in “For the Man Who has Everything,” Superman’s ideal life has him living on Krypton as a normal man, married with children, happy and content in his normal life. Batman saw his parents’ murder foiled and the life that could have unfolded without that tragedy to define it. Green Lantern (Hal Jordan), in another story, saw a world where his parents never died, his family is happy together, and his mentor Sinestro never turned evil.

Stephanie? Stephanie sees herself as Batgirl, posing dramatically and beating up random street thugs in a metaphorical continuation of her current status quo. Then there’s a sequence where she’s fighting the Queen of Fables alongside the four female heroes, all of whom except for Supergirl literally appeared out of nowhere in the last issue with no explanation because we need to pretend that Stephanie is very popular and well-liked and not a stuck-up loner who rarely leaves Gotham City and almost never talks to anybody but her boyfriend when she does.

But y’know, this scene makes sense right? Steph dreams of being a successful superhero and fantasizes about going on grand superhero adventures with other superheroes, fine. That’s all well and good.

Then comes the Blackest Night page which is just... ugh.

I am so glad DC vetoed this idea because it’s genuinely embarrassing. I get (finally! it several painful re-reads) that what Miller has been trying to do with Stephanie this entire book is pretend that she can be Captain America or Superman: a character who doesn’t so much develop or change as they do lead by example and inspire others to have hope for the future just by being themselves. So of course when he hears that Blue Lanterns are powered by hope he neeeeeeds that for his precious Batgirl—an idea that he apparently carried over to the Smallville Season 11 comics, but we’ll come back to that in a moment.

The problem of course being that Stephanie had never been that kind of character before Brian Miller decided she should be, and he did absolutely nothing to work his way up to earning her that status. So shit like this comes across as, frankly, blatant attempts to turn her into a Mary Sue, especially with how badly he refused to deal with her actual history and established character.

But again, remember: in-universe, this illusion isn’t being imposed on Stephanie, it’s being created by her, by her mind. This is part of her greatest desire. So where other heroes long to be safe and happy, surrounded by their families, Stephanie, apparently, wants nothing less than to be a literal Messiah figure. And I’m not exaggerating there—Blue Lanterns are supposed to be the holiest beings in the universe.

Just… the ego that implies. Yeesh.

After that comes a black-and-white photograph implying a time travel adventure where the three Batgirls (presumably from different eras in their own timelines) go back to 1944 to fly with the (male) Blackhawks. I’m not going to post it because there’s not really anything to say about it and this is already a long post but Stephanie’s stupid utility garter belt is drawn so HUGE it takes up her ENTIRE THIGH almost up to the crotch and it’s super distracting.

Then comes this scene.

Which mostly just drives home how much Steph hates her boring average school life given that she’s fantasizing about being attacked by supervillains at her graduation so her secret identity can be exposed to her entire graduating class. Thing is though, you’d think this should be a nightmare. Her identity has been exposed! She’s being attacked out in the open by supervillains and she doesn’t have her gear or weapons! Her classmates and—explicitly up in the audience—her mother are in danger, because Stephanie is Batgirl!

But because this is a Black Mercy illusion, we know it’s not a nightmare. This is, explicitly, something that Stephanie wants to happen. It’s part of her fantasy life, her greatest desire. And yeah, if we’re being generous, she probably isn’t thinking that people are going to get hurt. In her fantasy, she probably just gets to show off and save the day and be venerated as Gotham University’s Great Hero, like Buffy getting crowned the Sunnyville Class Protector. But even that, the most generous of readings, implies that she has never internalized the lesson that she should have learned back in War Games re: the great power of being a superhero coming with great responsibility. It absolutely flies in the face of anybody’s attempts to insist that no really, she’s only doing this whole superhero thing because she cares about other people SO MUCH.

Following that is page of what’s clearly Neo-Gotham, flashing forward many years into the future, where Steph is wrangling some kid into bed (while wearing her wedding ring on the second knuckle because otherwise you wouldn’t be able to see it and that might imply she’s a single mom) with the Batsignal shining out the window.

Which leads us, at last, to the page I have the most to say about, and the one that is my biggest inspiration for make this post:

I. Hate. This page.

I hate it because it gets regularly reposted without context on Tumblr and Reddit so the Steph simps can gush over how much they wish it was real and how Stephanie should get to be every single member of the Batfamily because she’s just so awesome and not one of them ever stops to think about what any of it would or should actually mean in-universe or out.

This page exists because Brian Q. Miller was originally a writer on Smallville. He joined the team around Season 5, served as showrunner for Season 10, and used the connections he made there to get some comic book jobs, including Batgirl and the spin-off comic Smallville Season 11. In “Season 11,” they finally showed the Smallville version of Gotham City and Batman, who is accompanied by only a single sidekick: not Robin, but Barbara Gordon as an (adult) female Nightwing who eventually becomes a Blue Lantern (hence the Blackest Night page earlier).

Now again, I cannot find the original source for this so I’m going off fandom rumor and wiki trivia, but supposedly, Brian’s original pitch was that the Smallville character would also be Stephanie, making her the only Batfamily member to ever exist in that universe. DC’s editors supposedly made him switch to Barbara instead, which was smart of them, because it’s way more likely that the people picking up the Smallville comic would be excited to see her, one of the most famous pop-culture characters ever invented, and not a satellite character like Stephanie who’s only familiar to a niche market. (This for the record is the same reason Babs is the Batgirl in Gotham Knights.)

So that’s the out-of-universe explanation for why Brian would stick this idea here, but stop and think about this for half a second: why the fuck would Stephanie want to be Nightwing?

Nightwing is not like Batman, Batgirl, or even Robin, it’s not a larger symbol with a legacy behind it. If you say the word Nightwing in the DC Universe, you’re referring to only one of two things: either you’re Kryptonian and you’re referencing a legendary figure from your lost planet’s mythology (either a god or a culture hero depending on the continuity), or you’re talking about Dick Grayson. Every other character who has ever taken on the name in a non-Kryptonian context has done so because of their relationship to Dick: either to piss him off (Jason), because they were inspired by him (Cheyenne Freemont, the Nightwings, Nite-Wing in a negative capacity), or in memoriam/penance after his death (Damian in the first Injustice game).

But Stephanie doesn’t have that kind of relationship with Dick. At this point in her career, they’d barely spoken, and all of their meaningful interactions had been with him as Batman. Nightwing means nothing to her. She has no emotional connection to identity, not even the desire to be “part of the legend” that drove her to chase Robin and Batgirl. So then, why? Why is this part of her fantasy?

Well… because if Batgirl isn’t the second-most popular superhero in the franchise after the Big Bat himself, then Nightwing is. And all Stephanie has apparently ever wanted is to be everybody’s favorite superhero, loved and adored and told how she’s so very special and wonderful, forever.

---

In Conclusion – As you might’ve noticed back in the panels where Steph was getting dosed, Brian Miller actually calls out his own bookending, having started the story with a climax where Steph got exposed to a fear-gas-based-anger drug and ended it with one where she encounters the Black Mercy. Like I’ve said before, the narrative purpose of hallucination sequences like this are to lay the characters’ psyches bare and show us who they really are on the inside. 

In issue 3, Stephanie’s anger/fear gas exposure (and the resulting philosophically frustrating speech) presents Stephanie as someone whose primary motivation is her own self-interest, the sense of control and personal triumph she gets from being a superhero. All through the series, the way she handles her rare rescues (and, even more tellingly, the few people who don’t immediately recognize her greatness) only backs that up.

And now, the Black Mercy sequence, the very last thing to happen in the entire series, just solidifies it: after 24 issues, she hasn’t changed. Her only desire, the only thing she cares about, is that she gets to be a badass superhero who goes on adventure after adventure without worry or care for anyone around her, even after multiple people have literally died over the course of just this book. Who cares? They’re not Stephanie, so they don’t matter. It’s all about her. 

I will never understand what anyone saw in this series.

[monstersdownthepath]

Spiritual Spotlight: Orcus, the Prince of Undeath

Chaotic Evil Demon Lord of Death, Necromancy, and Wrath

Domains: Chaos, Death, Evil, Magic Subdomains: Demon, Divine, Murder, Undead

The Complete Book of the Damned, pg. 84~85 The art, however, is from Magic the Gathering, since Orcus’ illustration in the BotD is... laughable.

Obedience: Grind a half-pound of bones from the skeleton of a sentient creature, mix with water to create a gray paste, and then eat it at the end of a long recitation of prayers to Orcus. Benefit: Gain a +4 profane bonus on all saving throws against death and negative energy effects. 

Bet a few of you are surprised to see this lad make it to Pathfinder, eh? Orcus is one of the very few Demon Lords that survived the transition into Paizo’s creations roughly intact without any significant changes, though to Paizo’s credit they’ve stepped further and further away from using OGL content as time has gone on. Orcus suffers a bit from this, as his presence on Golarion is noted to be “remarkably low” due to the prevalence of more popular gods of undeath like Urgathoa, Kabriri, and Zura. Not helping his case is the fact that Orcus holds liches in the highest regard, zombies and skeletons and Constructs made of undead parts in second place, most other forms of undead in one big lump in the middle, ghosts below that lump, ghouls below ALL of those... and vampries in dead last, the “parasitic” undead seen as vermin, creatures to be mocked and shunned as though they were lepers, by Orcus and his flock.

But we’re not here to discuss the unique philosophies of the Prince of Undeath, are we? We’re here to examine the statistical benefits of worshiping a god who wishes to extinguish all free thought and lord over a nation of silent dead! And we start off with quite a benefit here for not much effort! Just a little smack of cannibalism, because it wouldn’t be a god of undeath without it. The average human skeleton weighs roughly 20 pounds (I bear the burden of this question in my search history so you don’t have to), which means one complete pile of bones will last you over a month if you need it to. Half a pound of bones is quite lean for an Evil god, letting you get away with carrying around sacks of bones without anything really identifying them as humanoid. Just a bag of vertebra, or long bones from the arms or legs, or a fractured ribcage and skull fragments, and even inquisitive town guards will have little to go on when they’re waved off as bones taken from animals for soup stock or crafting material. Hell, take up scrimshaw to really sell the illusion AND make your character cooler in one go!

The best part? They don’t even HAVE to be human bones! They can come from ANY sapient creature! Dragons, Magical Beasts, Aberrations, anything with an Int of 3 or more is your Hearty Breakfast! And there’s even LESS of a chance of you being outed as an evil monstrous freak because of that! And, to top it all off, the recitations to Orcus can be easily disguised as prayers to a more mainstream faith if someone crawls up to you and listens too closely.

The benefit is decent. Death AND negative energy effects crop up only occasionally, but having protection from them isn’t something you should ever turn down, given the fact death effects tend to... well, be deadly. However, this benefit loses almost all of its bite in an Evil vs Good campaign, as Good-aligned creatures aren’t likely to be throwing around Inflict Critical Wounds and Finger of Death... but if you’re regularly going up against other Evil creatures--and ESPECIALLY Evil Undead--this bonus will give you an incredible advantage against them.

Boons are acquired slowly: the first once you reach 12 hit dice, the second at 16, and the third at 20. However, the Evangelist, Exalted, and Sentinel Prestige Classes can be entered as early as level 7; doing so grants you the Boons at levels 10, 13, and 16 instead. Servants of demons may also take the Demoniac Prestige Class; you don’t get the Boons any faster than E/E/S, but you may select which set you want, and you get cool demon-related powers!

------- EVANGELIST -------

Boon 1: Power of Death. Gain Inflict Light Wounds 3/day, Death Knell 2/day, or Animate Dead 1/day.

We’ve been over the likes of Inflict Light Wounds and Death Knell before, with the latter having a function that’s too overly narrow for my liking. If you want to use a standard action to execute an enemy, just walk up and stab them! Though, like every time I’ve mentioned before, Death Knell does shine against creatures with Regeneration or abilities like Ferocity and Diehard that you otherwise have no means to easily kill.

Inflict Light Wounds is basically worthless as damage by the time you get it, useful only as a quick patch-up job for any ally of yours healed by negative energy... Like the veritable army of zombies you’re going to create thanks to Orcus being kind enough to give you Animate Dead as a spell-like ability. Without the restriction of the expensive material components cost, you can freely raise an endless number of zombies in your thrall and completely, utterly shatter action economy for the rest of the campaign, something you may want to consider NOT doing for the sake of your DMs sanity.

Animate Dead allows you to command 4 HD of zombies or skeletons per caster level you have, typically allowing you 36 HD of additional allies by the time you achieve this spell, more than enough to raise the bodies of all the hapless commoners you just slaughtered and unleash them upon the survivors. The standard action casting time is especially heinous when it requires nothing more than a thought to activate the spell, letting you immediately turn the site of an enemy’s slaughter on its head

If you want to be a bit more economical (and more game-breaking), you may be able to convince your DM to use the expanded rules and double the HD of a specific corpse or two to make them rise as Bloody Skeletons, unkillable Undead that rise from their mangled remains an hour after being destroyed. They make excellent recurring siege engines, rising from their destruction again and again to work at a single task until it’s complete. The same expanded Animate Dead rule allows you to create Burning Skeletons, which set all they touch alight, Plague Zombies, which carry a lethal infection that creates more free zombies for you, and Fast Zombies, which move with supernatural swiftness and can attack more often.

It boggles my mind thinking of all the uses for Animate Dead as a spell-like, especially for a character in service to Orcus, who wouldn’t have much of a moral stance against killing small villages they cross to add to a hideous undead army. The only limit is the HD leash, but even that just means the zombies and skeletons wander off to do their own thing, they aren’t destroyed!

Boon 2: Destined for Undeath. You are damaged by positive energy and healed by negative energy, as if you were Undead; the bonus on saving throws granted by your Obedience applies against positive energy effects instead of negative energy effects (you retain the bonus on saving throws against death effects). In addition, you gain immunity to exhaustion, fatigue, and nonlethal damage, and you gain a +4 bonus on saving throws against death effects, diseases, mind-affecting effects, paralysis, poisons, stunning, and effects that cause damage, drain, or penalties to your physical ability scores.

i

hm.

y’know, maybe working with a demon isn’t bad, actually.

The negative healing is a pretty hefty downside if you’re trying to pretend to be a good person, though. If you’re not AND you have access to an Evil Cleric or similar, you’re perfectly fine. Antipaladins can give you a big chunk of health via their Touch of Corruption, and you no longer have to worry about being caught in the blast of your friend’s Channel Energy. You can even heal yourself with the Inflict Light Wounds from the first Boon, if you need!

It is, honestly, just a small roadbump when compared to getting... well, what is basically a +4 flat bonus to your saving throws. The sheer number of status effects this ability protects you from covers almost every indirect avenue of attack an enemy could possibly level at you, and since it’s an UNTYPED bonus it will stack with everything else you grant yourself (which means you have a +8 to saves versus death effects!), making it VERY hard to get any ailment to truly stick if you use even minor additional enchantments. Constructs and Undead are typically balanced by the fact they die at 0 HP instead of going unconscious, but you have the benefits of undeath without the downside!

The most important note here is that it guards against any status ailment that would affect your physical ability scores, anything that affects mental ability scores can slip under this ability’s protection! ... provided it’s not mind-affecting, of course, since you ARE warded against those as well.

This is an incredibly strong defensive bonus kept in check by its lack of scaling, preventing you from relying on it alone. As you level up you should be scaling it up through other sources, because again, an untyped bonus will stack with everything! The biggest downside is that if you ever DO become an Undead, as your god encourages, this becomes a blank Boon. But by then you’re an intelligent Undead with an army at your disposal, so it balances out.

Side note: immunity to nonlethal damage technically means you no longer have to eat or drink (or at least can fast without consequence), so take that as you will.

Boon 3: Word of Finality: 1/day, you can cast Power Word Kill as a spell-like ability. However, it becomes a Necromancy [death] effect, not an Enchantment (mind-affecting) [compulsion] effect.

Power Word Kill is an interesting spell. especially if you get it two levels earlier than other casters. With no saving throw, you instantly snuff out the life of a living creature with 100 or less HP, letting you bypass any normal death-prevention the creature may have (Diehard/Ferocity, Regeneration, etc). As most NPC people won’t have HP approaching that amount, using it as an intimidation tactic is especially viable if you don’t mind blowing a powerful 1/day for style points.

Side note: while normally spell-likes have no components, Word of Finality’s description states it requires you to speak “a single word of unfathomable dark power,” so people WILL know you’ve used it.

The downsides of Power Word Kill, and all the other Power Word spells, are painfully known and talked to death. The biggest one is that, aside from extremely specific and narrow-use spells or magic items, tracking an enemy’s HP is more or less impossible. The best you can do is ask the DM how rough the monster’s looking or keep a running tally of numbers you’ve dealt in combat so far and take a guess (HINT: Most creatures hovering around CR 15~16 range have between 150~250 HP, with it rising by an average of 40 per CR), but as many will note: 100 HP is not a lot to cut through by the time you’ve reached level 12 or so and have a decent few DPS players. At level 15, 100 HP represents approximately 1 round of work once the team sets up, but sometimes you NEED to shut down an enemy at 100 HP immediately and with no saving throw, such as if its turn is coming up next and it’s about to kill everyone else in the room. Don’t think of it as saving just one round, think of it as saving the turns of your 3~5 allies so they can deal with any OTHER hazard in the room.

There was also the fact that, as a mind-affecting effect, almost every creature worth using it on likely had some level of defense against it, especially since Mind Blank starts showing up around this time. Changing it from a mind-affecting effect to a Necromancy effect is a double-edged sword, as it allows the spell to affect far more creatures than it could before... But, as a death effect, it’s actually easier to defend against (with Death Ward) and has a harder and harder time striking down boss-level enemies as your power grows. It’s best used for mopping up lesser enemies during big battles and, again, intimidating civilians.

------- EXALTED -------

Boon 1: Necromancer’s Secrets. Gain Detect Undead 3/day, Command Undead 2/day, or Vampiric Touch 1/day.

As is the usual for Evil deities based around death and destruction, these first few gifts are only really useful if you yourself are frequently fighting other Evil creatures. If you’re in an Evil vs Good campaign, you’ll likely never actually get to use Detect/Command Undead, seeing as how creating zombies is typically something Good people don’t do. They also require a bit of foresight; you’re unlikely to know exactly what you’re going to face in a given day unless you have advanced information (or are, like, heading into a tomb), meaning there’s a chance you may simply take the wrong spell.

Command Undead’s name isn’t exactly indicative of its function; it’s more like Charm Monster in that intelligent Undead suddenly become your bestest friends forever for the spell’s duration... which is one DAY per level, meaning getting an extremely lucky shot on a Lich or a Nightshade may simply bring a climactic encounter to a crashing halt as the party gains a new weapon. Just... just don’t let them cast Dispel Magic on themselves.  

UNintelligent Undead receive no saving throw and are entirely dominated by the spell’s effect, but can’t receive orders more complicated than “go here” or “attack that thing.” I do appreciate that commanded zombies can be ordered to destroy themselves before the spell’s duration runs out, but with its massive duration and the option to just recast it over and over, that likely won’t be much of an issue.

You can’t really go wrong with Vampiric Touch, in the end! A simple melee touch attack siphons 4d6 (+1d6 per 2 levels you have) damage and grants you half of what you deal as temporary HP. It works against everything and tends to give you enough HP to afford tanking the AoO to leave the enemy’s threat radius (unless you want to be there in the first place).

Boon 2: Invoke Death. 1/day, you can cast Slay Living as a spell-like ability. A creature slain by this spell immediately rises from death as a Juju Zombie. The Zombie is not under your control, but it will not attack you.

I mean... Slay Living is alright. It’s 12d6+13 typeless damage which grows by 1 per level. It works against any living target and the fact it’s typeless lets it bypass elemental resistance... but it’s a touch attack AND a successful Fortitude save (which is often the highest save a given creature has) cuts its impressive damage track down to 3d6+level instead, damage that’s okay but hardly worth writing home about. It’s also a death effect, making it utterly useless against many higher-tier foes you’ll begin facing at this point (consolation ribbon: it only works on living creatures, so you never have to run into the frustration of wasting it on Constructs or Undead).

And it’s even a once per day for the extra kick in the teeth! The second half of this ability isn’t even particularly juicy; Juju Zombies retain all of their abilities, memories, and even their personality, and get a suite of new powers, resistances, and ability score increases on top of it all. Since the resurrection happens immediately on death, it can actually be a huge disadvantage to use in combat, because all you may end up doing is giving your enemy a phase 2 as they pull themselves back to their feet with a new healthbar and new powers. The stipulation that they can’t attack you has no expiration date, presumably meaning they cannot harm you directly at all, but they have no reason to serve you and in fact may still hate you viciously. They can’t attack you, but they can attack your allies, and they can certainly escape to set up a plot that allows them to kill you without ever directly attacking.

Good thing you have Command Undead, right? That’ll go a long way to swaying your enemies to your side... or you can skip out on all that nonsense entirely and realize that you now have the power to raise your allies as Juju Zombies that are incapable of betraying you. Remember what I said about your enemies getting a Phase 2? Well what about giving one to your Fighter, who’s on his last few drops of HP? Your service is not yet over. Blast the last few bits of HP off them and give them a second health bar, a new coat of paint, and a tireless body. Then, if they for whatEVER reason don’t like the body you’ve so graciously given them, they can be slain again and raised as normal later when the team is safe. Really, using it on an enemy feels like a waste.

... Y’know, as written, there’s nothing stopping you from using this ability on yourself.

Boon 3: Call the Dead. 1/day, you can summon a Nightwing, 1d3 Devourers, or 1d4+1 Advanced Mohrgs as if you had cast Summon Monster IX.

A Nightwing is a terrifying, bat-like phantasm and member of the Nightshade family of monsters, horrors born in the deepest reaches of the Negative Energy Plane. They are pure death incarnate, and it says something when the weakest Nightshade, the Nightprowler, is CR 10. Nightwings are CR 14, monstrous flying creatures with a swath of powerful supportive spell-likes and an incredibly damaging bite attack (4d10+18 +4d6 Cold and a dispel attempt on any creature or item they bite) that vastly amplify how effective even a small army of zombies can be.

All Nightshades produce an aura of desecrating magic that empowers Undead in the area and vastly amplifies the number of Undead that can be raised with a single spell, AND they’re able to channel negative energy as a Cleric; Nightwings specifically can channel 7d6 points of negative energy eight times a day, letting them patch up your whole army at once. Even if you don’t have a party or army of Undead, the Nightwing can still offer bonuses like Haste, Greater Dispel Magic, Deeper Darkness, Invisibility, and 1/days like Cone of Cold and Finger of Death. The problem is that you’ll have to make your army the old-fashioned way, as Nightwings cannot create Undead and you don’t get Animate Dead for free by being Exalted. You gotta spend actual money!

Of the options presented, the Devourers hardly factor in. They only stick around for a few rounds, certainly not enough to take advantage of their spell-likes like Animate Dead, Bestow Curse, and Suggestion, and especially since they need to eat first. Given they come into play with an empty tank, they’re basically melee-only creatures who, at their best, deal 12d6+18 damage to a living target... and at worst, deal only 3d6+18, which again is restricted only to living targets. Typically, by the time they snap up a worthwhile soul that lets them use their powers effectively, their duration is almost up. The fact you could end up only summoning one is also a major factor, because when that danger is possible, why not summon the Nightwing? It’s more powerful and it doesn’t need fuel to run.

Which leaves the Mohrg... 1d4+1 of them. That’s upwards to five bodies to get in the way of your foes, each of which can force a DC 23 Fortitude save to paralyze a target for minutes at a time? Even boss-level foes can fail those when they’re having to make five of them a round. Mohrg aren’t especially resilient creatures, but they’re basically two to five castings of Hold Monster every round for nearly two minutes, and really, that’s significantly better than anything the Devourer can offer you. Plus, their ability to create Fast Zombies out of anything they kill means you can loose them on a hapless population to stir absolute, unholy chaos... all without revealing it was you, because remember: Spell-likes have no components!

------- SENTINEL -------

Boon 1: Abyssal Rage. Gain Doom 3/day, Sound Burst 2/day, or Rage 1/day.

Nnnnot an especially strong showing to start. The first two are negated by saves, and spell-likes all scale off Charisma; unless you’re dumping points into your Cha as a martial character for some reason, that means Doom and Sound Burst are unlikely to make the impact. While I’m not normally harsh on spells like this being given to the Sentinel, the fact of the matter is the impact they’d have even if the enemy somehow did fail its save is too low to matter anyway. If you had to pick between the two, the potential mass-stun from Sound Burst surpasses anything Doom could ever do.

I’m not the biggest fan of Rage, either. The combat bonus it gives will stop mattering in another level or so, though in the fairness to the spell it is a morale bonus, thus stacking with enhancement bonuses, alchemical bonuses, etc. It’s hard to be mad at +1 to attack and damage rolls and +1 HP/level across all your front- and midliners, though it’s not likely to turn the tide of whatever battle you’re in. It’s more of a tiny, useful bonus than the game-changers I like to see as 1/days.

Boon 2: Aspect of the Prince. You can cast Divine Vessel 1/day as a spell-like ability, but only to assume a Fiendish Aspect. Instead of gaining two claw attacks from this fiendish aspect, you gain a gore attack that deals 2d6 points of damage.

Now this is a game-changing 1/day! Divine Vessel is a spell that ONLY Oracles get to use naturally, and for a damn good reason: because giving it to a martial character like yourself would be downright bonkers. I mean, +8 to Str, +6 to Con, +3 AC, Spell Resistance 12 + your caster level, AND you and all of your equipment increased by 1 size category. Your space and reach go up, and the Fiendish Aspect specifically grants you a fly speed, See In Darkness, DR 10/Good, and 10 Resistance to Acid, Cold, and Electricity.

You go from a warrior to a titan, unburdened by the Oracle’s lack of heavy armor, 3/4ths BAB, and lack of weapon proficiencies. For those who don’t want to do quick math, the spell gives +4 to attack and damage rolls, +3 HP per level and +3 to Fort saves, SR 23 (+1 per level), 10ft of space AND reach, plus the added damage from your weapon size going up (melee only; ranged weapons aren’t affected), AND FLIGHT... You’re a problem that’s impossible to ignore, and perhaps impossible for some foes to surmount, considering DV is an 8th level spell that you’re getting five levels early, at a point where 20+ SR gives you around a 25% to 50% chance to ignore a spell outright, including any attempt to dispel your buff.

With a duration of “one entire boss battle,” I can think of few weapons more terrifying in the hands of a full-martial character like the Sentinel, and it’s a hell of a step up from most 2nd Boons that Sentinels get from the majority of deities we’ve seen! How generous! What’s the catch, Orcus?

Boon 3: Wand of Orcus. 1/day as a swift action upon successfully hitting a creature with a melee attack with a heavy mace, you can cast Slay Living on that creature. You must be wielding a heavy mace when you utilize this ability—while the heavy mace can itself be magical, it can’t be one that bears any form of lawful or good magic (such as a Holy Weapon) or one that has particular power over undead (such as an Undead Bane or Disrupting weapon). 

Wow! That’s quite the catch! So once a day you can tack a burst of 12d6+16 damage to one attack against a living creature? And a successful save reduces it to just 3d6+16? How... generous of our Lord of Death!

It’s ironic to me that the Sentinel’s third Boon is essentially the same as the Evangelist’s second (with the small but still notable bonus of taking your swift action rather than standard), and coming off the heels of such an impressively powerful buff, too. It feels... well, it feels bad that your ultimate reward for being a warrior of undeath is a 5th level spell once per day. It’s an alright spell, sure; the dice average adds up to about 44, plus a flat amount equal to your level for a total average of 60 damage. But... once a day. AND the victim can make a save to make it go from 44 average to 12 average. Power Word Kill is, technically, a flat 100 damage with no saving throw allowed. and the summoned Nightwing or the swarm of Mohrg are a huge force multiplier.

Oh, and it only works on living targets. Compared to those two, this Boon is a severe letdown. You don’t even reanimate the idiot you kill! Terrible way to treat your most devoted warriors, Orcus!

You can read more about him here.

[zodiakuroo]

Love Thy Brother

Pairing: Dabi x Fem!Reader

Content: 18+ dubcon/noncon, dabi’s canononical dick piercings  manhandling, rough sex, corruption, degradation, humiliation, manipulation, blackmail, spit, stepcest, loss of virginity, dacryphilia, mentioned breeding, blasphemy and sacrilege : 3

Word count: 4.1k

Notes: secured my spot in hell with this one for sure anyways touya-nii go brrrrr

part 2 here!

But he that hates his brother is in darkness, and walks in darkness, and knows not whither he goes, because that darkness hath blinded his eyes. – 1 John 2:11

Gaining 4 new siblings as a young adult is not something anyone expects, you think, but you’re grateful to have been accepted into Enji Todoroki’s family nonetheless.

Fuyumi was the big sister you always wanted, kind and nurturing, always happy to let you borrow her clothes and give you advice. You and Natsuo the closest in age.  He was warm and friendly and while he teased you a lot it was never mean spirited, just the kind that was typical between siblings. Shoto was quiet in nature and though it took him more time than the rest to warm up to you, eventually you two became friends as well.

And there was Touya…..

Well, Dabi as he prefers to be called.

When you first met him, you were terrified, the shock of seeing him made you hide behind your mother instinctively.  The Todoroki clan looked every bit the perfect suburban family except for Dabi. He had his hair dyed jet black, with seemingly more tattoos than clean skin. He had several cartilage piercings in his ears as well as three small studs in his nostril and a barbell through his eyebrow.  He scoffed at your scared reaction, sticking out his tongue to show you the silver ball on its surface and sending a wink your way.

Admittedly, felt guilty for judging Dabi based on his appearance, but you would soon come to find that sometimes it’s better to trust your judgement.

At first, Dabi ignored you, acted as if you didn’t exist. And the times when he was forced to acknowledge your presence in his family he acted as though you were nothing more than a nuisance. You thought that you might have offended him somehow but Fuyumi assured you that Dabi was just like that and that you shouldn’t take it personally. “He just needs to get to know you.” She said.

She was wrong though. Dabi couldn’t stand you.

Everything about you infuriates him. Prancing around in those frumpy sweaters and modest skirts like anyone would bother to lewd you anyways. Lest they attempt, you wear that gold cross necklace everywhere you like a big old “PROPERTY OF JESUS” tag. Your insistence to say a prayer every time the family dog so much as farts. The way his entire family seems to be enamored by your church girl act. Perhaps what he hates most is the way you look at him, poor delinquent Dabi, like you’re so much better than him. Sanctimonious bitch.

Then he noticed how you were with Natsuo. How you would pout and whine when he teased you and sometimes, to everyone’s shock and amusement, banter back and forth with him. Let’s be clear here, he didn’t care about you. He cared about attention. You were giving too much of your attention to his younger brother and that just wouldn’t do.

Pretty soon, Touya was in on the teasing. He started out by making fun of you for being so conservative. Low-hanging fruit. You’ve heard it all before so it didn’t wrench much of a reaction for you but that just made him more determined. Sometimes it got downright mean, earning him a scolding from Fuyumi. Not that he would listen anyways

Then it got physical. It started innocently enough, Dabi would tug on your hair, snatch food out of your hands, kick you underneath the dinner table. Albeit childish, it was incredibly annoying. You would shriek and yell for him to cut it out and after finally getting the desired reaction from you, he became hungry for more.

So he started taking more risks. When you were in the kitchen alone Dabi would brush his hand under your skirt making you squeal. That progressed to him flicking up your skirt to catch a glimpse of your panties which progressed to him spanking you so hard, you’d think of him every time you sat down for the rest of the day.

On the days when he was in a good mood (read: stoned out of his mind), he would pull you into his lap and hold you there, blowing smoke in your face that made you cough so that he could laugh. Sometimes he would let his hands wander, over your chest and between your thighs while you squirm in his hold. He’d say “Anyone ever touch you like this? I hope not, I’m sure it would piss off Jesus”

As if the touching wasn’t invasive enough, Dabi felt he was entitled to your room and personal artifacts. Often you’d come back from campus or church to find the contents of your underwear drawer spilled on the floor. You would notice a pair or two missing when you packed them back.

One time he vandalised your bible with drawings of penises on every single page.

“D’ya like my artwork princess?” he said when you confronted him. In a fit of rage, threw the book at his head. You missed (unfortunately) making him like laugh. “Surely there’s something condemning violence in that book of yours.”

You tried locking him out of your room but all that did was make him angrier. He threated to break your door clean off its hinges if you did it again.

Which brings you to your current predicament.

It had been a long day. You woke up late landing you in trouble with your manager. Your coworker fell ill and you had to cover a double shift, with no shortage of asshole customers on this particular day it seems. On top of all that, you just got stood up for date. You come home to a quiet house and you’re so grateful for this small blessing on a day like this. After a long, scalding hot shower, you lie on your bed wrapped in a fluffy, white towel, contemplating your next move.

You were home alone and with a family this big that hardly ever happens. You do what any person would do after having the day you had.

You smile to yourself, undoing the knot on your towel and falling back onto your pillows, hands already caressing your breasts.

You’re a Christian not a robot. Of course you masturbate. Sure you feel ashamed. You can hear your mother’s voice chide about how sinful it is but that all melts away when your little fingers slide between your wet folds. Shame can wait.

Being the menace in your life that he is, the eldest Todoroki chose that exact moment to barge into your room unannounced.

You scramble for your covers trying your best to preserve some modesty but it’s too late, you’ve been caught. You shriek in terror.

“Oh my god!” Dabi practically cackles.

“Dabi! It’s not what it looks like I swear.”

“Oh really?” He stalks over to your bed with the predatory grin on his face. “Because to me it looks like my innocent, holier than though baby sister is a nasty, little, closet pervert.” He’s now straddling you over your covers, you want to fight him off but that would mean letting go over your duvet and you know once you do that, it’s over. Dabi has the upper hand though. Soon he’s got both of your wrists in one of his hands, pinned above your head. His other hand, almost immediately, is pulling the down the covers, revealing your naked torso to him. “Huh.’ He muses as he palms one of your breasts. “Seems like it’s exactly what it looks like.”

“Dabi! Get off me!” You squirm under him but he’s too heavy so it’s no use.

“Nice tits Sis.” Dabi ignores your protests. “I don’t get why you keep them hidden.”

“I’m not your sister you creep!” you say with as much venom as you can muster.

“Aw princess,” he pouts and moves his hand up to cup your jaw, squeezing your cheeks harshly “it hurts your Nii-san’s feelings when you talk to him like that. I wonder what our parents would think. Should I tell them how filthy their sweet, little daughter really is?”

He revels in the fear in your eyes. You shake your head frantically. “No Dabi please! Please don’t tell them.” You whimper, words garbled.

“Don’t tell them what little sister? What were you doing?” He smirks. His hand goes back to your breast, this time to tweak your nipple.

The sadistic freak. Was he really going to make you say it? He answers your silent question with a sharp smack to your breast.

“I-I was masturbating.” You mumble, squeezing your eyes shut, cheeks burning from embarrassment.

“No, you weren’t”  he says as a matter of fact before pinching your already stiff nipple making your eyes shoot open and you yelp in pain. “You were playing with your little virgin cunt. Now say it.”

There is no way you could say those words. Has he not humiliated you enough? You try once again to break free but he’s got an iron grip on your wrists and he’s sitting on top of your thighs. There’s no way you’re getting out of this.

He pinches you again but harder this time, twisting your nipple and keeping it there.

“I was ah­ I was playing with my v-v-irgin c- Dabi! Cunt! There I said it! Let go!”

He snickers at your pain but let’s go of you entirely, shifting his weight off of you. You’re grateful for the reprieve, immediately pulling up the covers to cover up your body again. You will yourself not to cry until Dabi has left the room or else you’ll never hear the end of it. But he’s not finished with you yet.

“Show me.” He sits down on your desk chair facing you, his legs spread wide.

“What?” Surely you misheard him.

“Show your Nii-san how you play with that ‘little virgin cunt’” He smiles using air quotations.

“Dabi, this is wrong-“ you whimper

“Touya-nii.” You furrow your brows in confusion and he says again. “Call me Touya-nii. I’m not leaving this room until I see what I want.”

Say what you want about Dabi but he’s a man of his word. You know he means what he says. The last thing you want is for anyone in your family to come home and find you naked in your room with your step-brother. It’s just better to do what he asks demands.

You slowly peel the covers off you, exposing your naked body to your step brother. He’s eyeing you intently, palming the growing bulge under his jeans. His sister was hiding such a hot little body, right under his roof and he had no idea. You can’t bear to look at him. You clamp your thighs shut to hide your pussy from him, a weak attempt to save what’s left of your dignity. You wriggle your hand in between your legs and you try to move it as best you can without showing him more of you.

Wait.

You’re wet?

You’re wet.

Well screw dignity I guess.

“Oh none of that.” Touya scoffs. “Spread your legs.”

You obey him and he rewards you with a low whistle. “What a cute little pussy.” He murmurs so low you’re not even sure he’s talking to you. You flinch, wanting to close your legs on instinct but a firm “Don’t” from Dabi stops you in your tracks. “Show me how my little sister likes to play.”

His words make your pussy throb but you’re still reeling, both physically and mentally at, the shock from your current position so when your fingers try to rub circles on your clit, they’re shaky and sloppy.

“That’s pathetic. Is this how you do it? No wonder you’re so uptight, you probably never cum huh? Put your fingers inside, I wanna see you stretch your little hole.”

“Dabi I-“

“I won’t ask you to address me properly again. Next time, you’re getting your ass beat.”

“T-Touya-nii. I’ve never… put them inside.” You mumble.

“Never?” He can’t hide the amusement in his voice.

You simply shake your head, unable to meet his gaze.

Fucking jackpot. He thinks.  This is why he loves virgins.

“Oh no. Does the poor baby want her Nii-san to show her how it’s done?” voice dripping with condescension.

You’re horribly ashamed. Disgusted by the whole situation. And yet you find yourself nodding.

Dabi crawls on to your bed, discarding his shirt in the process. Next thing he has you flipped over, ass in the air, lying across his lap.

He spanks you, hard. Like he always does, loud smack echoing through the room. You cry out like you always do but it’s different this time. It’s different because this time you’re naked, on top of him. It’s different because you can feel his hard-on poking into your stomach. It’s different because everything about the situation is making you clench.

He grips the sore, reddened flesh and pulls apart your cheeks to look right at your fluttering hole. His thumb finds your clit and he starts to rub slow circles into it. “I meant what said you know. This is the prettiest fucking cunt I’ve ever seen.” You let out a whine as you feel his warm, wet spit land right on your opening, before Touya slides a long, slender middle finger into your tight pussy. He uses his other hand to hit you again. “You’re a good girl right? What do good girl’s say when they get compliments?”

Your head is spinning from his ministrations, so much so that a verbal response escapes you. You’re too busy bucking your hips against his hand. Dabi snaps you out of your trance with another spank, even harder, so your feel the sting spread across your glute. “Hnnghh… thank you Touya-nii.” He rewards you with his ring finger finding its way inside you as well. “Shit.” You say through gritted teeth. You clench around him trying to adjust to the foreign sensation.

Whack. This time on the other cheek, both burning red by now, you’re sure. “Where’d you learn to talk like that, naughty girl?” The way he’s moving his fingers inside you feels like he’s looking for something, you have no idea what. It’s not unpleasant but uncomfortable. You turn your head back to look at his face. It’s the same face he makes when he’s rolling a joint or playing video games with his friends. He’s concentrating. “Fuck, relax for me princess.” You’re trying. You’re really trying. You take a deep breath, trying to think about anything other than the way you’re being stretched.

Then it hits you. An overwhelming ecstasy, spreading from your groin, all the way down to your toes. You figure out that’s what he’s been looking for.

You find yourself grinding down onto his bulge in an attempt to escape the onslaught of his fingers, but it’s no use, not with the way his thumb is circling your throbbing clit.

“Can’t even take two fingers in this tiny pussy huh? How are you gonna take my cock?” Dabi gives you a third finger and the stretch is officially unbearable.

You can’t do anything but pant in his lap while he holds you down, making sure that you keep still. Suddenly, you realise the gravity of the circumstances you find yourself in. Your step brother is going to fuck you and there’s nothing you can do about it.

“God, please slow down!” You cry out. He keeps hitting that spot over and over. It’s too much. You look back at him with tears in your eyes, pleading for reprieve. The satisfied smile on his face lets you know that he couldn’t care less. You feel an orgasm building, stronger than any that you’ve given yourself.

“No God here, doll. Just the Almighty Dabi. And guess what? He wants you to come for him.”

Even before he finishes his sentence, you’re already convulsing on top of him. For a moment you forget how debauched the situation is. Being debased by a man who you not only despise but are related to. All feelings of shame are replaced by pure, hot bliss that sets your nerves on fire. Dabi does not relent. Not until the please you feel is eclipsed by the pain of oversensitivity and you’re writhing in futile attempt to escape.

Dabi pulls his fingers out of you and wraps his other hand around your neck, dragging you up to face him. He holds his fingers, covered in your cream, right in front of your face. “Messy slut. Clean them.”

Before you can respond the fingers press against your lips. You have no choice but to take them inside your mouth. He grips the back of your head while you lave your tongue over his fingers, sucking off your release. He’s keeps a tension on your strands that makes your scalp sting. It’s a silent warning to keep your eyes on him. You’ve caught on by now that he wants this to be as humiliating as possible for you. As if coming on your step-brother’s fingers weren’t humiliating enough. He shoves his fingers deeper, making you gag around them drool seeping from the corner of your mouth.

“Good girl.” He growls as he wipes his saliva covered fingers dry on your face. Again, you fight back the tears of embarrassment. You won’t give him the satisfaction.

Dabi prompts you with cruel tug on your hair. “Gah! Th-thank you Touya-nii.” You whimper.

“Hmm.” His hands move to your hips and he rolls his hips to grind his hard cock into your core. “You want Nii-san to fuck you now?”

Your bottom lip quivers. Is he giving you an out? You pray to God that Dabi is giving you a way out of this. You doubt God cares about what you want right now but still, you hope he can grant you this one mercy, you’ll make it up to him somehow. You shake your head no. You probably look so pitiful right now, naked on top of Touya while he bucks up against you, your own spit streaked across your face, barely stopping the tears in your eyes from spilling.

“Liar.” He sneers. “You want your big brother to split that virgin hole right open.”

You’re stupid for thinking he would give you a way out. You realise that now. No point in trying not to cry. Nothing is gonna stop him from getting what he wants anyway. You can’t hold back the choked sobs anymore

“Such pretty tears, baby.” Dabi coos at you. “Don’t worry. Nii-san is gonna give you exactly what you want.”

He picks you up off of him and positions you exactly how he wants, on all fours, swollen cunt exposed for him. He kneels behind you and you hear the sounds of him undoing his jeans. You turn your head back, curiosity getting the better of you. Your eyes find Dabi just in time to see him free himself from his boxers, which join his jeans bunched at is knees. The sight makes your eyes go wide. It’s your first time seeing one in real life. Were they supposed to be that big? And… pierced?

He quirks a brow at you, smug look plastered on his face. He strokes himself in front of you, spreading his pre-cum along his shaft. He’s tilts it upwards to make sure you get a good look at the vertical barbell that goes through his tip and three horizontal, parallel bars along the underside. “You look scared. Don’t worry princess, Big brother Dabi’s gonna make it fit.” You feel his tip press against your opening and brace yourself.

You’ve heard stories from your friends. You know the first time hurts but God nothing could have prepared you for this .Touya makes good on his word, sliding his entirely until your pressed right against his pelvis. The scream you let out is ear shattering but you can’t help it, the stretch is excruciating. The way his piercings catch on your walls only, intensifies the burn. You crawl toward your headboard instinctively, it’s too much. Way too much.

He’s not having any of it. Dabi pulls you up to him with a hand wrapped around your throat until your back meets his front. “Shh shh shh. Don’t run baby. You’re gonna take all of it.” He groans right against your ear. Without giving you time to adjust, he begins to thrust into you at a relentless pace. You have no choice but to let him use you.

“Who’s fucking you huh? Who’s making you feel good?”

“My nii-san. Touya-nii is fucking me so good.”

“Yeah fuck. Love this holy pussy” He delivers a harsh smack directly on to your clit, making you quiver in his hold. He laughs at your reaction. “Gonna say a prayer for me babe? I wanna hear it.”

“Huh?” You’re barely lucid, there’s no way you heard him correctly.

“Well you’re a little sinner slut now. You should probably ask for forgiveness. Pray.”

You’re sure you’re beyond salvation now but you submit nonetheless. “Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your unfailing love; according to Your great compassion.” You gasp as he tightens his hand around your throat. “Against You, have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight. Oh fuck Touya-nii!”

“Bad girl.” Dabi gives you another strike right on your aching clit. “Don’t think God is gonna be very happy with you.” Dabi is though. Dabi’s very happy with you. Your tight, gummy pussy sucks him back in every time he pulls back. It just makes him fuck you harder, he wants to make you scream louder for him.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Ngggghh Shit. Do not cast me from Your presence or take Your Holy Spirit from me.” You’re sobbing outright, gasping to get air into your constricted throat.

“You gonna cum? My bad girl gonna come for her big brother?” Dabi grunts into your ear.

“Yeah close Touya-nii.”

“Hmm me too.”

“NOT INSIDE TOUYA-NII” You begin to thrash in his arms.

“S’matter princess? Don’t wanna have your big brother’s babies? That’s hurtful.” He snickers. He releases your throat in favour of pressing you into the mattress, large hand resting between your shoulder blades. “Better cum before I do then.”

The ridges of his piercings rub up against that same sweet spot, over and over again. You’re dizzy from the lack of air and absolutely drunk with pleasure on his cock. Pretty much the only thing tethering you to this existence is the unforgiving grip he has on your ass, digging his nails into your flesh. He reaches his hand around to rub your sore, puffy clit. It pushes you over the edge a second time. You feel every muscle contract and relax as the waves of your orgasm wash over you, making you cry out in bliss.

As soon as you come down from your high, Dabi has you flipped on to your back and is straddling your torso. “Keep praying.” He mutters. He furrows his brows, huffing as he jerks off on top of you, eyes focused intently on your gold necklace.

“Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. Then will I teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will turn back to You. Amen”

“Yeah, fuck that’s it take it baby.” Dabi sprays his come over your chest, aiming his load right on your cross, a symbol of your devotion to Christ, defiled. He looks absolutely euphoric watching the ropes of his hot cum slowly run down onto your nipples and down the valley of your breasts

“Don’t you fucking move.” He pants, catching his breath. He picks up his phone and you hear his camera click. He looks at the picture and smiles. You look absolutely fucked out. Hair disheveled, face red and bloated from crying and completely covered in his load. Yeah a real good, Christian girl. He thinks.

“Dabi! No!” You lunge forward, trying to grab his phone from his hand. Almost effortlessly, Touya shoves you back onto the bed.

“Relax. No one’s gonna see it. Not unless you snitch to mommy and daddy.”

“You promise?” You grab the tissues from your nightstand and wipe yourself clean. The smell lingers though, along with the grimy feeling, seemingly embedded in your skin. You look up at him, sniffling, tears still rolling down your cheeks. If he were better person, he’d take pity on you for being so fucking stupid.

“Promise, little sis.” He shoots you a wink as he tucks himself back into his jeans.

Before he’s left your room he’s already sent the picture to his friend, Shigaraki.

[clubatsumu]

dude ailments of the soul is so freaking good what the heck?? like that stuff is better than majority of published romance work. i'm so obsessed with your writing style! you're amazingly talented!! you're stunningly breathtakingly skilled at writing!!! please. can i ask for any recommendations from you that's similar to your writing, whether it be published work or fanfiction? i'm thoroughly obsessed. thanks for working hard to bless us with your writing, take care!

hiii thank u for all the compliments i feel thoroughly overwhelmed (blushing and kicking my feet under the blanket as we speak). hope u take care as well!

ok for fics — i cant recommend anyone who writes the exact same way, but i promise you theyre all 100% better. my favorites off the top of my head:

a cartography of love by themorninglark is a character study on oikawa that deals with his struggle of coming to terms with his identity, how much he can love one place and still be part of another, leaving and starting something new right after high school… if i could snort this, i would, no hesitation. a masterclass on prose. a masterclass on loving a character to the point of understanding him completely. it highlights argentina and japan and loneliness and being a part of something bigger than yourself. it gave oikawa so much justice and so much gravity, his decisions much more weight, and i honestly believe themorninglark should be knighted for the kindness they’ve shown oikawa. i was screaming to my friends for hours after i read it. i felt like a cow being air shuttled to new zealand.

He’s further south of Tokyo now than he’s ever been before. He has never felt smaller. The world has never felt more incredible. <;- one of the best lines i’ve read anywhere, but it’s not even making the best line list i’ve made for this fic. (i won’t tell you my favorite because i keep that shit to myself to cry about at night :)

meg (whose account name is @star-puff, where she’s archived all her works) is a writer you can trust (let me explain later). my favorite work of hers is a tendou fic, after the world has fallen (where do we lie), with an oikawa counterpart set in the same universe, before the world fell (you were there) that follows a this post apocalyptic world that’s reduced to gang alliances. it’s completely out of the box and you’ll pull your hair out the whole time. there is no instant gratification with this girl. she’ll drag you through mud, pain, anguish etc but you know what? she’s so incredibly talented that it’s worth it. (explaining it now) her fics are what quintessentially a fic should be like for me, if that makes sense… there’s so much color in them, the descriptors are so vivid and it’s so evident that she creates every single piece of hers with so much care. i can’t explain it in any way other than that. after the world has fallen literally starts with, You meet on a day where the sky burns yellow.

i feel like i win when i lose by flooruh partly because its title is an abba lyric but mainly because i feel like everybody should read this. to write the first interaction between oikawa and atsumu and for it to be this funny and witty and accurate????? my canon. it didn’t happen any other way. a ball of sunshine of a fic. everyone should read this. the type of fic you have to read alone because your face will be making so many expressions. (i was squealing like a dipshit)

book recs meanwhile… i have to make a disclaimer: my writing is probably similar to theirs instead of the other way around… because i cannot even begin to copy a quarter of how wonderful these books are.

i’m keeping it short and not gushing but please know i could talk for hours on end about all the books here.

a tale for the time being by ruth ozeki — a super sad, super hopeful story wrapped in this whimsical kind of storytelling as the author (ruth) reads 15 year-old nao’s diary that washed up on shore

strange weather in tokyo by hiromi kawakami — just. a string of conversations. i love it so much. half inspired the whole ailments chapter. i just. like reading about people talking to each other.

venetia by georgette heyer is romance romance. kind of jane austen, but romancier, less on the satire side of things and more on the men on top their horses and hosting their orgys in their estate etc side of things. i like reading the way they talk and exclaim for some reason. books that use exclamation >>>>

snow country by yasunari kawabata. i was reading this during writing ailments of the soul actually! it’s about a love affair between a businessman and a geisha that’s set in the snow country, and we see it start and slowly fall apart. it’s just amazing to me how someone can tell something and nothing all at once, and how kawabata trusted his readers so much he let himself write that way.

[killerskillercaptain]

Embarrassing moments w/ Levi Ackerman BOOK II

I only put one incident in this one because inspiration was running wild and things got out of hand, so enjoy !

You can read BOOK ONE here

word count : 1,9K

warnings : implicit seggsual themes, slight angst.

The client incident

Erwin had put you and Levi on a special mission; both of you received one letter from the commander urging you to go meet Balkus Adomas, a businessman whom Erwin was used to work with to get funds for the SC, and god knows the Survey Corps needed that financial support lately. With all the casualties, injured horses and used up equipment you lost in your encounter with the female titan, you could definitely use some help, any help actually.

The letter instructed Levi to tie up the negotiations, as Erwin had already sent a letter to Balkus, stating the nature of the visit; the letter also instructed Levi to take you with him to officialize everything on legal documents.

Levi sent one letter back to Erwin asking the commander about the nature of the business this man held. Three days later, the response consisted of a short sentence that wasn’t very helpful, and its vagueness didn’t make Levi happy; he hated being kept in the dark about the people he needed to work with.

The letter only said « « You’ll know when you get there »

The next morning, right after dawn, you and Levi were already on your horses, heading to the small town situated in the west, where the businessman was to be found. It was a good four hours ride, but you were accustomed by now to even longer distances.

Reaching your destination, Levi followed Erwin’s instructions, it didn’t take long for you two to find the location. Heading towards the main entrance, you couldn’t help but notice the frowning faces locals threw at you while passing you by. The place was an old, seemingly neglected property, it didn’t look like a business run by a rich businessman who could land money to the military, and you could sense that levi was thinking the same. You stood there studying the poorly maintained building for a moment until the main door suddenly flew open and a little round man, probably in his forties appeared with a dangling woman at his arm, the woman was laughing uncontrollably while planting kisses alongside the man’s neck, both of them completely ignoring the accusing stares being directed towards them.

Is this a tavern ?

Wait no.

You felt your legs tremble a little, and you suddenly felt embarrassed at the realization : it was a brothel. And the cheap kind by the looks of it.This Balkus Adomas runs a freaking brothel. Slightly alarmed, as this was completely out of your comfort zone, you glanced nervously at Levi who didn’t show any sign of tension. But little did you know, the short man was infuriated and boiling under the surface.

You on the other hand, were visibly stressed out. In a moment of hesitation you wanted to grab Levi’s hand like a child lost in an adult place but you managed to hold your composure, and decided to follow him by staying as close as possible to him. Levi headed rapidly to a broad bearded man, he looked like he was the receptionist or something of the sort, Levi asked if he could see Adomas.

" You should have been notified we were coming, we’re sent by Erwin Smith "

" Yes, yes this good old’ Erwin Smith, he said he’ll send someone ! "

The way the man said « good old’ Erwin Smith » made it look somewhat suspicious, and you wondered if the commander was fond of such places as it hardly seemed so to you.

" Well Lord Adomas is not here now, but you can wait for him, he comes early in the morning to do some accounting, as you see, the business is running wild lately "

" You can spend the night here if you want " he added.

You felt Levi tense up.

" Erwin will hear me about it, making us stay the night, not even being able to get an appointment correctly " you heard Levi mumble to himself between greeted teeth. You could clearly see now that this place is stressing him just as much.

" Don’t worry, Erwin Smith has always been good to us, intervening for us every time something threatened to close this place, and get Lord Adomas out of business, so we owe him big time "

You somehow got reassured that this was the nature of their connection to Erwin.

" I’m gonna give you a room to stay in for the night for free, it’s on the house "

He dangled a golden key in front of us, but when levi reached out to take it, the man retracted his hand behind the counter, a mischievous smile contorting his lips.

" Unless you want to spend the night as a customer Captain Levi ? "

Levi snatched the key from the man who now turned to you, completely ignoring the short captain.

" Hey miss, you’re not bad either, have you ever thought about leaving the army ? We could get you a job here, you’ll see, Lord Adomas treats his employees with extra care " he ended his speech with a nasty tone that had you both in such discomfort that you could almost feel Levi’s anger and you shivered at the way he said extra care. Dragging you by the collar of your military jacket, Levi headed with you towards the stairs, in search for the right bedroom while you followed him closely. As you were afraid of; the walls were incredibly thin in this place, and discernible sounds could be heard from each door. A series of thuds, creaks and lewd voices which you did your best to ignore, while you and the captain hurried to find the right door. Being here with Levi made this whole situation so much more uncomfortable, and right now, you cursed yourself for being the only person capable (and available) to do the paperwork, you hated that you were in charge, you hated that your signature was required, you-

" Here’s the shitty door "

You looked at the door, it was situated at a fair distance from the others, but didn’t look as damaged, maybe it didn’t get used a lot, or at least you hoped.

A demanding and urgent female voice erupted suddenly, close enough that both of you could hear it clearly. You tried to ignore how shaky your legs were now, you tried to focus on Levi opening the door but your eyes met a trembling Levi having difficulties opening the door, his hand too shaky to insert the key right, obviously he was just as startled as you were. When both of you finally heard a reassuring click, he slammed open the door with a "Tch"!

" Can’t believe this mess Erwin put us in, he’ll hear me about it ! "

You followed him inside. The room seemed fairly in order, didn’t seem to be too dusty, you sighed in relief, but your relief was short-lived, it sure wasn’t dusty but it did look completely unsanitary, no wonder this place gets threatened to be closed so often.

" Tch ! I’m taking fifty showers after this, and i’m gonna scrub my feet with Erwin’s- "

" Um Captain ? "

" WHAT ? " he asked harshly, getting you a bit startled by his tone.

Hey don’t lash out at me, it’s not my fault we’re in this mess.

" There’s only one bed "

" You can have it, i’m not sleeping in this filth "

" Neither do i , Captain " you said picking up a long strand of hair from the pillow and studying it before tossing it aside. The place was filthy.

But to both your consolation, there were two chairs made out of wicker that seemed not too risky to use.

You took the one on the left, Levi took the one on the right before looking at you.

" We’ll wait here until this Adomas piss of shit shows up so we can get it done with the paperwork and get out of this filthy hell " and those were the only words he spoke to you for the rest of night.

You were already feeling a bit sleepy, all the exhaustion caused by the trip creeping back to you. You had dozed off for what seemed like half an hour before you were awaken by new sounds rising abruptly from the next room. You jolted in your seat, the unsettling sounds of moans and boastful voices filling the room quickly, followed by a string of giggles, then another string of incomprehensible moany gibberish. You couldn’t make up a single word but you understood all too well the activities taking place in the other room. Still trying to compose yourself and get rid of the embarrassment sucking you in you right now, you suddenly remembered that you weren’t alone in the room, and turned quickly to look for the captain.

Levi was still sitting in his chair, you realized he had moved it away from you, almost placing himself at the other corner of the room, his fists tightening on his knees, he had the most irritated expression you’ve ever seen on his face, he looked like he was ready to snap a neck in half. Was it possible that he has been awake the entire time while you were sleeping ? Having to listen to the most indecent events going on next door ?

He was staring right in front of him, he looked as if he was trying to avert your gaze, afraid that a single stare shared between you two at this moment would aggravate the discomfort, and he was spot on.

Now the lewd voices were joined by the most obscene of sounds. You could feel your face, your hands and everything in between grow hot, you tried your best to keep a steady composure and not look at Levi who was incredibly silent at the other end of the room. Damn it, the smutty opera next door got you so alert you couldn’t even hope to sleep it off so you don’t have to endure this unbearable atmosphere.

You stayed like this until dawn. You and the captain, sitting stiff with both your hands glued to your thighs like two Egyptian statues while the auditory nuisance went on, all fucking night.

For a brief moment you heard Levi mutter something that you deciphered as « Erwin you piss of shit, you’re gonna pay for this»

--

You did get to Balkus Adomas the next day at the crack of dawn, he did accept to continue supporting the Scouts, you did go through the administration stuff you were dragged in here for. You even had Adomas make the same suggestion to you as the bearded receptionist; offering you to leave your uncomfortable scouting uniform for something else, vaunting about how much you can get paid in one night here, nothing like you meager salary at the Scouts for sure ! At one point you literally had to forcefully take off his hand that he sneakily placed on the small of your back. At the sight of it, Levi snatched the documents, handed a copy to Adomas and hurried you and himself out of the place.

Back to HQ, you were happy to reunite with your bed, ready to recover from last night. You shared your quarters with Petra, laying on your mattress, you filled her in about what happened to you with the captain as she bursted with laughter at every detail you gave her.

The next day, Levi was nowhere to be found as you went to his office as usual. You asked one of the soldiers where if he'd seen the captain and he just shrugged his shoulders, saying that Levi left a message for you as the soldier gave you a folded piece of paper.

« Going to see Erwin for a special meeting ».

[coexiising]

west coast - anakin skywalker

SUMMARY ◆ you and anakin have just never gotten along and there seemed to be no way to get you guys to cooperate. hate sex basically. 

WARNING(S) ◆ smut, degradation, some bad names, rough sex, but there’s consent because consent is sexy, cursing,  choking, unprotected sex, fingering, anakin skywalker is a tease and a bitch, witty banter,  i pretend to understand the force and probably make up my own rules, unedited

WORDS ◆ 3.6k

»»————-　✼　————-««

THE EVENING LIGHT OF THE SUN SPILLED INTO THE LARGE HALL OF THE JEDI TEMPLE, BLANKETING EVERYTHING INSIDE WITH A SHEER COAT OF GOLDEN RAYS. coruscant was always so beautiful in the evenings, the way that the cars sped past each building with a low hum and the rush of traffic. it was a sound that you have grown to welcome these days, especially because it had been many years since you’ve lived here. the capital was beautiful, bustling with life and opportunities. 

your elbow was on the table, palm pressed against your cheek as you leaned against it lazily, poking at the food on your plate with a fork in your other hand. obi-wan was mouthing off in front of you, not that you were really listening anyways. you were too focused on trying to stay awake listening to this mission that he was assigned to bring both you and anakin on in a weeks time. though his speech was pretty much worthless since the other padawan was no where to be found. neither of you had seen him for a couple hours. 

oh well, you thought to yourself. it’s not like you missed him anyways. besides, he was probably with padme or getting in trouble somewhere like he was always doing. 

anakin and you . . . well, it was a complicated relationship. you had been assigned to work with master obi-wan after your master died on a freak accident, and ever since then, you were forced to work with anakin skywalker. you two didn’t get along, you never did. you were even surprised that obi-wan put up with it, but he wanted to train both of you. to say that you missed your life before you had to talk to anakin every day would be the understatement of the year, you longed for the days where you didn’t have to be in the same room as him and watch as everyone fawned over the chosen one. god, even your thoughts were going to make you throw up. it was better to bask in this non-anakin-ness the most you could before he came waltzing into the hall. 

unfortunately, right as you stopped thinking about him, anakin walked into the hall towards the food and would most likely make his way over and sit at your shared table with your master. you felt a groan go past your lips and looked down at your food, stabbing your starfruit and popping it into your mouth. 

a chuckle came from obi-wan in front of you. “you can at least act like you like him you know, might be easier to deal with it that way.” you shrugged, shaking your head and looking up to face your master. “I mean, saying that as your friend not your master.” 

“you’re one to talk, what did you call him yesterday? oh that’s right, insolent. if memory serves you said that to him pretty confidently,” you said. 

“well, yes, but I'm allowed to say those things,” obi-wan countered, popping up one of his expressive eyebrows as he looked at you. 

you stifled out a weak laugh, “I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of me liking him.” and that was the truth, there is no way that you weren’t going to do what almost everyone does here: allow him to get away with the things that he does. sometimes your master calls him out on things - but it was incredibly rare. 

anakin walked over in his usual fashion, which you deemed as strutting, but others didn’t see the humor in it. maybe it was just because every time he even was in the same room as you, you felt the need to insult something about him, you had to keep him grounded, right?

“good evening, y/n.”

“oh, it was,” you said to him, glancing in his direction and then instantly going back to your food. from the corner of your eye you could see as his face feigned hurt, then he immediately went to talking with obi-wan about the mission that your master had previously been briefing with you about. it was something about some trouble on the outer rim, separatists spotted trying to negotiate with the rulers of a planet that was vital for the republic to maintain peace with. a typical mission, one that you’ve been on one too many times. but maybe something exciting would happen, you never knew. 

dinner was, for the most part, uneventful. the only thing that happened was anakin threatening to throw his starfruit at you because you rolled your eyes at one of his comments, which didn’t end up happening because obi-wan gave him that look and a stern ‘anakin.’ 

for the rest of the night you retired to your rooms, telling the two you would meet them in the morning. 

you sat at the edge of your bed, kicking off your shoes and stretching your arms up. you set your comms down on the small nightstand you had and got dressed in something more comfortable for sleeping. the sun was fully down now, and the only thing that lit up your room was the tall lamp in the corner of your room and the distant lights of other buildings through your windows. 

as you slipped into bed under the covers, you allowed your mind to wander. first, to the mission, where you silently went over the details in your head to make sure you had them all memorized. you knew for certain that anakin didn’t, which could possibly give you a leg up in the future. and the more you pondered, the more they landed on anakin.

it was strange, thinking of him. typically you would be cringing at anything that included anything to do with anakin skywalker, but this time you allowed your mind to expand instead of bringing up the protective barriers like you always did. the calming effect of letting the force just make its way through every neuron and crevice of your mind was almost enough to lull you to sleep. 

that was until you heard a whisper, just the faintest, tiniest little sound that you were almost uncertain that you had even heard anything at all. 

your eyes stayed closed, again letting the force do what it wanted in your mind and waiting to see if it happened again. there was a presence there, just on the outer barriers of your mind. there was silence, complete and utter silence and you were about to call it a night when-

you’re thinking about me? 

you jolted up to sit, eyes snapping open and your head getting dizzy from the sudden shift in position. it was anakin’s voice, clear as day in your mind, that was what you were hearing. how could you be so stupid? it was like the force was trying to push that connection. and now that it was established, you knew that you would have to put up more barriers in your mind in order to keep him out. 

and the worst thing was that he was still there. you could feel it. you put your hands on either side of your head and closed your eyes, reaching him and saying, 

i was not. 

it was the weakest lie you had ever made in your life. 

you’re such a liar, anakin chided. you could practically feel his smirk. just admit it. 

you groaned to yourself, feeling a bead of sweat drop down your face from the focus. goodnight, anakin, you said to him and then immediately cut off the connection. 

now you were wide awake, you were sure that there was no way you could get any sleep after that. you weren’t even angry at yourself for doing that, but more embarrassed that your thoughts connected you to anakin - because you were thinking about him. you knew there was no way you were getting out of this tomorrow. 

you busied yourself at your desk with some books you had previously gotten from the archives, trying your best to basically bore yourself to the brink of sleep. and just as you thought it was beginning to work, you heard a knock on your door. glancing at the clock, you saw that it was a little bit past midnight. who the hell was at your door at this hour?

for a moment you stilled, thinking that perhaps it was a mistake and they would leave then you could finally try and sleep, but there was again another knock a few moments later. you finally stood up and made your way to the door, opening it and being greeted by none other than anakin skywalker. he was dressed in his comfort clothes and hair messy, like he had been awake for way too long. 

he didn’t give you any time to say anything, instead pushing his way past you into your rooms. your eyes widened and you took a peek outside into the halls to make sure that no one saw that. luckily, the halls were dead. closing your door and turning the lock, you faced him and stood there deadpanned, waiting for some kind of explanation. 

“well, don’t act all happy to see me,” he said sarcastically. 

you laughed. “im not. what are you doing here? do you understand what could happen if someone sees you and me in my bedroom alone?” there would be rumors spreading like wildfire, something that you definitely didn’t need to be confronted by the council about this. you hated to admit that you knew the exact reason he was here - because of your mini conversation through the force. but that still begged the question as to why he cared so much about it in the first place. 

anakin rolled his eyes, running a hand through his hair. you took a second to look him over, seeing that the black shirt he was wearing was sheer enough for you to know what he was hiding under it. you shuddered, coming to your senses again and frowning. “you were thinking about me, and i think i deserve an explanation,” anakin told you, shrugging his large shoulders and cocking an eyebrow up. “you were thinking so loud.” 

“I wasn’t trying to, i was trying to go to sleep.” you countered. 

“you think of me while trying to sleep?”

damn. wrong thing to say. and now he was giving you a look, one that you’ve never seen before from him. his eyes were almost dark, filled with lust. you felt like your fucking legs were going to give out at the look that he was giving you. it was enough to make your face heat up and clear your throat, not having anything else to say, there really wasn’t anything to defend yourself with. 

and it all happened so fast. one second you were both standing there, staring into each other’s eyes, and the next you both were walking towards each other and colliding your lips onto each others. the kiss was hot and searing, instantly making your head go dizzy at the feeling. his lips were soft, albeit a little harsh as his tongue forced its way into your mouth and prodded against your own. anakin’s hand came to grip your jaw, the other on the small of your back. 

you attempted to grab onto him, get your hands on him as much as his were on you, but he didn’t let you, using the hand on your back to pull you closer to your bed. you were still kissing, lips starting to swell with the agressiveness of the kiss. 

you still hated him, you had to keep telling yourself that, even though just by kissing he was making you feel so good. no attachments were to be made, this was purely just acting on normal human instincts, right? 

soon enough the backs of your legs were hitting the edge of your bed, anakin pushed you down onto the bed like it was nothing and you were silly putty molding in his hands. he fell on top of you, instead of kissing you on the lips, he went for your neck, one of his hands came and grabbed a handful of your hair and yanked it down, exposing your neck for him. 

and he made sure that you would have to somehow cover all the marks he was making, because his teeth seemed to graze over every inch of your skin and lightly nip anywhere he wanted. and you felt dirty because you let him. you would let him do whatever he wanted to do to you. 

anakin pulled away from you for a moment to pull his shirt off, discarding it to the floor and helping you to do the same with your shirt. you took a moment to look him over, seeing that his body was practically sculpted and personally handcrafted by the maker themselves, basically knocking the breath out of you. he noticed and you didn’t even care, instead of cringing at his smirk, you found it incredibly hot. 

your hands came to his torso, wrapping your legs around his waist as his mouth began kissing along your chest. you pressed your hips up against him, trying to get friction against your already wet core. sadly, it wasn’t enough and you were left with whatever he decided to give you. 

“anakin, please,” you whispered out towards him, looking down to watch him slip one of your nipples into his mouth, your mouth hung wide open. he came off of it with a ‘pop’ and tilted his head, waiting for you to finish whatever you were going to say. 

“please what?” anakin asked, going back to kissing your chest until he landed on your stomach and started painting masterpieces on your skin. 

you made the tinest sound, feeling sparks send right down below. “just touch me already,” you stated, putting your hands in his hair and giving the curles a good tug. he groaned against him, the vibrations going through your entire body. anakin came up face to face with you, pressing yet another kiss against your lips and pushing down your pants and underwear to the ground. you were now all exposed to him, while he still wore half of his outfit. you pouted at the unfairness but you knew it would get you nowhere now. 

he held his hand out in front of you and for a moment you looked at him confused. he sensed this and said blankly, “spit.” you did what he asked and spit into his hand, watching as he took that same hand and touch your clit, feeling the wetness of your spit and your own mixing together. your mouth hung open as he rubbed his fingers around, experimentally pushing the tip of his finger into you then immediately pulled it out. 

you felt yourself almost whine, needing him to give you more or you felt like you would simply die on the spot. right as you were about to say something, anakin’s other hand came and grasped onto your neck, his fingers digging into your skin and putting pressure on your throat. 

holy fuck. 

typically, you would be angry with how much control anakin skywalker had over you, but now you were just giving into it, liking that he was being rough with you. it was like a form of argument without the words and you were becoming addicted to it. he was able to make you feel so good and you were completely in his power. 

finally, as if he was putting some pity on you, one finger slipped into you, curling up and hitting a spot inside you that made you moan loudly. the hand choking you became stronger against your neck, his mouth coming to your ear and whispering, “be quiet, you don’t want anyone to hear us and have this be over too soon, do you?” he was looking for an answer. 

you shook your head, understanding that this would not be the best time to get caught by anyone else. you tried your best to keep yourself quiet as one finger pumped in you, the thumb of that same hand pressing against your clit and making your toes curl in pleasure. you could feel how hard he was against you and that made the fire in your stomach ablaze, nearing towards that edge desperately wanting some kind of release. 

as soon as you felt yourself getting higher to that point, his hand came off your throat and his hand stopped moving, your eyes opened up and looked at him, who was busy pulling down his pants and grabbing his cock with his hand. 

it didn’t take long for him to position himself at your enterance, his tip teasing you by rubbing it up and down against your slit. “is this what you want?” anakin asked you, his other hand tracing down your body and coming to grip the side of your hip. 

you nodded your head fervently. “yes, anakin, please just fuck me already,” you said to him. 

and that was all he needed before he was ramming himself into you, giving you no time to adjust, which was expected. you took the pain that came with his harsh motions, both of his hands gripping your hips with such force that you were sure that you were going to have bruises there in the morning in the shape of his hands. 

anakin pounded into you, your voice was already hoarse from his choking and you made as quiet sounds as you could. all that anger you had for each other had bubbled up onto the surface and there was only the desire left, the sickly sweet feeling that you had only dreamed about with anakin in your deepest fantasies. you could never get tired of this, perhaps you should’ve initiated this sooner, or pushed his buttons so he would take it out on you this way. 

“god, you’re so fucking tight,” anakin said in that deep, gravelly voice that basically sent you into orbit the second that it came past your lips. you were so far gone, head empty of any incoherent thought other than anakin skywalker. and he continued to move into you shamelessly, neither of you caring about anything in the world except this feeling both of you were chasing. 

you were close, you could practically feel the tidal wave starting to form inside your stomach. his pace would not let up, practically tearing into you with all the energy and stamina that he had from years of training. and anakin looked so good like this, his mouth hung open and sweat forming on that tanned brow of his. his muscles working overtime and flexing with every single movement he made. and his eyes, which were so blue like the oceans of naboo, were staring right into your own, almost like they were telling you to give everything to him. 

you were so worked up, that it only took his hand to come down and rub down against your clit, the pressure enough to push you over the edge. it was like a firework went off inside and the scream you wanted to make died in your throat, wishing that you could be as loud as you wanted. your back arched up and your hips faltered against his own, cumming around him and squeezing, earning a moan from his lips as well. you looked so good coming undone that anakin basically was just sent into fucking orbit with no trace of coming back down. 

the second you regained your composure and came down from your own orgasm, you watched as anakin hit his own, hips shifting and releasing right inside of him. you felt him fill you up to the brim, anakin falling down with his chest pressed against your own. the room smelled of sex and you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

the only thing was the sounds of your pants throughout the room, and soon enough anakin was pulling out of you. you frowned at the sudden loss of not being filled up anymore by him. just a second ago you felt like you were on fucking cloud nine and now you were crashing right down to reality at what you had done, and whom you had just done it with. 

you propped yourself up on your elbows, watching as anakin pulled his pants back up and started gathering the rest of his clothes in his hand. he was still shirtless, about to go towards the door when you said, “are you seriously going out there half naked?” 

“no one is up this late, trust me,” he said back. 

you bit the inside of your cheek. “well I don’t know about that after all the noises coming from here.” 

“that wasn’t me making all the moans,” anakin says in such a casual way you stare daggers back at him. he stifles out a laugh and then turns, leaving the room and closing the door behind him. you can hear his footsteps recede from the door and you are left here alone, thinking about what the hell you had just done. 

once you regained your composure and felt like you could walk, you stood up on your wobbly feet and made your way to your small mirror. the second you got there, you gasped at your appearance in the mirror. hair all messed up, marks all along your neck along with bruises from his hands, and the bruises on your hips. and to top it all off, you could feel what he left in you trickling down your thigh. 

that may have just been the best sex of your life. but you still hated anakin skywalker . . . 

. . . right?

[pinkasrenzo]

Mid-year book freak out tag

Finally have some time to do this! Thanks @bloody-wonder for the tag💕

1. Best books you’ve read so far in 2022? The Raven Cycle books by Maggie Stiefvater, they just got me. I read them back-to-back in a week or so and they have everything I love in a book, the prose was great and totally fit the overall vibe with that kind of Night Vale-ish feel to it, sort of eerie but also cosy? Can totally see this series becoming a comfort read. All the characters have a special place in my heart and I wasn’t expecting to love all of them so much, I usually have one or two faves but I just, love all the gang and I love how they all love each other and their friendship and just. I love them. So much. Also well planned plot, mysteries where everything is connected and you can see the puzzle forming and everything clicking together, old European folklore (specifically old kings waiting to be woken)?? Sign me the fuck up. I need more. Also I had to get them in hardback and oh they're pretty.

Also, We Both Laughed in Pleasure the diaries of Lou Sullivan, it was incredibly good and moving and so happy? joyful? usually trans memoirs are always sad and bitter, especially when it's about someone living during the AIDS crisis, but this was just so full of joy, specifically joy in being trans and queer and even when it was sad there was always something comforting or hopeful. I'd recommend this to every trans man or transmasc out there (and anyone else really) cause there's so much anger and sadness out there that reading about how good it can be to just get to live your life is, something I've never seen in trans lit and it's just, it warms my heart reading about Lou's life.

2. Best sequels you’ve read so far in 2022? Leviathan Falls by James S.A. Corey probably. It started out different than the other books, had a broader focus and was a bit confusing at first as a choice but it worked out in the end and it helped in making sense of how it all came together so I appreciated it. Also seeing how the Roci crew story came to its end and how much they’ve all grown and changed since the beginning hit right in the feels. Lletting go of them made me emotional ngl and I’ll definitely re-read the whole series at some point but I couldn’t have asked for a better finale ( even with all the heartbreak and angst and tears it was just. Great.).

3. New releases you haven’t read yet, but want to? Book of Night by Holly Black, the plot is extremely intriguing and looks slightly darker? than her other books so I'm very curious how's it going to be. She's also one of my favorite authors and she's not disappointed yet so I'm trusting her to deliver some Quality.

4. Most anticipated release for second half of 2022? I know Greywaren is coming out in October so I'm waiting for it to get the whole trilogy and get more from TRC universe and I! Am! So! Hype! I don't even have a clue what it's about I just want more of anything TRC kjhgjhk

5. Biggest disappointment? Confessions of the Fox by Jordy Rosenberg probably. I was expecting heists and some good "be gay do crime" vibes given that it's based on an irl master thief and while it did deliver on the gay it didn't deliver on the crime at all. It was kinda boring? and unnecessarily long and drawn out in some parts, way too focused on the romance (and didn't even develop it properly?) and not enough on the plot, and given that it's a story-within-a-story kind of book with conspiracies and plotting and Big Mysteries tm... it was just Not It. It also kinda read more like an academic text rather than a fiction book, which I get the fictional author is an academic but there are better ways to go about it imo.

6. Biggest surprise? Lou Sullivan's diaries for all the best reasons. I said how joyful it is, but it's also not the usual narrative. His life was messy and his gender journey even more so and I don't think I've ever read something so relatable, like honestly ever. He didn't always know, he didn't write about dysphoria or being trapped in the wrong body or whatever, all his discoveries about himself are always marked by happiness and how right he feels, and how he just loves being a man, loving men and I don't think there's enough lit (gay and/or trans) that focuses on that, the happiness of being trans and gay. I started this book expecting it to be sad (cause, you know, AIDS) but I came out of it feeling happy and with all the negativity often going around trans spaces (specifically gay trans men spaces) it's,,, nice, really nice. I didn't know how much I needed this book until I read it, and I'm so incredibly happy I did.

7. Favorite new authors? I didn't read any book from a new author that made it into my faves yet? I really liked The Singing Hills Cycle by Nghi Vo but I wouldn't say it's fave material, just really good and definitely worth a read. We'll see if second half of 2022 will deliver more :')

8. Newest favorite character? Can I say the Gangsey? Definitely the gang from TRC, I love them all to bits they're my children I'm adopting all of them and Chainsaw and that's that nobody touches them I will protect them with my life.

9. Newest fictional crush? I do am very gay for Jacob Reckless (Reckless by Cornelia Funke) but that's nothing new, it's been going on for years I'm a lost cause at this point smh

10. Book that made you cry? We Are Okay by Nina LaCour made me tear up quite a bit, the way it deals with grief and the importance of solitude and growing up and figuring yourself out it's just *chef's kiss* and the way it's written it's like a warm hug from a friend in front of a fireplace and it's so comforting to read and while the title may seem misleading at first (they are Not Okay) by the end I was left with this cosy feeling that yeah maybe they will be okay after all, and even if life can be a mess sometimes it'll all work out in the end.

Also TRC (specifically the end) but that's just cause I was deep in the feels tm

11. Book that made you happy? Again, Lou Sullivan's diaries <3 queer joy is the best joy.

Also Fairy Oak - Il destino di una fata by Elisabetta Gnone came out this year and it's sort of an extra content collection for my favorite kids series and even if it's been 20? years since I read the series as a kid I still love coming back to the magic and the world in these books and getting to know these tiny little extra details about all the characters and the village I'll never grow tired of it.

12. Favorite book adaptation you saw this year? Haven't read the book but The Handmaiden was so unhinged and chaotic and Great and I loved it, can't believe it took me this long to watch it oh was it good. Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell was also great, both as an adaptation and as a mini-series, almost as chaotic and unhinged, definitely creepy and unsettling, also the fx were just *chef's kiss* so good. Great vibes all around no complaining here.

Also honourable mention to The Magicians for still making a mess of me on this rewatch.

13. Favorite review you’ve written this year? Bold of you to assume I write reviews.

14. Most beautiful cover? The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon has The Most Beautiful cover I've seen in a while, truly stunning, the colours the dragon, the style is just. Wow.

Also not as stunning but TRC has some truly gorgeous covers seeing them all lined up on the shelf is hhhhhh so. nice.

15. What books do you need to read by the end of the year? I still have A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara in my TBR and I plan on reading this summer but am waiting for my beloved kobo to come back from maintenance. I'm also curious about The Secret History by Donna Tartt after seeing so much of it on my dash, and I wanted to read more quality dark academia so ig it's the perfect book to start with jhjkj. I'm also planning on finally reading Coraline by Neil Gaiman and then I have Le Otto Montagne by Paolo Cognetti which I know absolutely nothing about cause it was a surprise gift from a friend but they promised gay and wilderness and mountains and the cover looks so pretty and winter-y so I'm def hype to read.

I'm tagging @pollyna @bismuth-209 @abramminyard @maybemountains @theblackswanuniverse if you want to do it ^^