boob windows. that's it that's the fic
word count: 1.1K
content warnings: this is meant to be yandere au and sagau/self aware au so uh. hint of that, but mostly just crack. nothing Super Nsfw but the whole thing is raunchy and suggestive humour
characters included: mostly ei, but childe, kaeya and briefly zhongli also make an appearance with some others mentioned
a/n: this is a repost (slightly edited)! this was on my to-edit-&-repost list for a while now and this seemed like a good day to do so lol. alas this was originally written before the sumeru release so while editing there wasn't really an opportunity for me to add in wriothesley apparently out-butting zhongli or lyney's tigh high garters and i only just realised kaveh could technically also count here so uh. forgive me. i'll write something for them some day
"is… is everything alright, your grace?"
you loudly suck up another boba pearl, not moving your gaze from where it’s been lodged the past several minutes. "mm, everything’s fine."
ei fidgets in front of you, the cup held tightly in her hands still almost full. she looks unsure, but decides that she knows better than to question you. "if you say so."
it’s clear this isn’t what she had in mind when she personally came to see you instead of sending the raiden shōgun to greet and attend to you. the one time she comes out of her plane, all you’re seemingly doing is ignoring all table manners and gawking at her chest.
yes, that’s right, you’re ogling her chest. or, more accurately, you’re ogling her tiddy window.
between her and kaeya, she’s showing off much more chest. but then kaeya knows what he’s doing, while ei just seems to have it there for convenience over aesthetic…
you squint at her while you get lost in thoughts, and ei’s fidgeting intensifies.
ah shit. you forgot about itto. he wins in terms of who shows off their chest the most, you guess. he’s even wearing that… you’re not sure what to call it but tit belt fits well enough. anyway, the tit belt accentuates his pecs very, very nicely, although they do hide his nips from sight. alas.
you suppose gorou and cyno also exist, but they don’t have the same appeal. oh, and navia and la signora, but both of them are just wearing a sleeveless, collarless dress, so you’re not sure that counts either.
but then by that argument, does itto count? he’s not even wearing a shirt. cyno isn’t wearing a shirt either. and what gorou has is more of a tummy window than anything… but he does have that little window?
between gorou and childe, gorou is definitely winning though. you’d apologise for slandering your poor ajax but between the little triangle he shows off and gorou’s entire tummy out… you’re not sorry. though… there’s something to be said about a small slither of skin inviting you to stick your hands into that gorou having his whole tummy out doesn’t have.
wait, wait. you just had a genius idea. actually, two.
first of all, zhongli with a tiddy window… you are considering. then again, you guess his biggest asset is his bubble butt.
second, and way bigger: an idol group with some of your characters… but they all have tiddy windows.
"…your grace?"
you’re brought out of your stupor by ei, who is gazing in concern at you. you blink at her.
she struggles to find words. "are… are you sure everything is alright? is something not to your liking?"
it’s then that you realise you’ve started drooling at some point. shit.
you hurriedly wipe at it and clear your throat. "yeah, I’m sure. sorry, were you saying anything?"
she looks taken aback. "no, please don’t apologise. I should be the one to… I shouldn’t have interrupted your thinking."
it’s then that childe happens to walk by, and, like the attention hog he is, tries to get a foot into the conversation. you stay mostly unresponsive while the two chat (which seems to be mostly childe trying to hold a conversation with you while ei admonishes him), your eyes drifting back to ei’s tiddy window.
you really could stare at that for the rest of your life.
childe then follows your line of sight and chokes.
…though more because of him trying to laugh while choking on the dango he was eating than embarrassment at having caught onto your very appropriate thoughts.
ei looks confused but makes no move to help him other than pushing his head away from the table so he doesn’t make a mess. you honestly can’t bring yourself to be embarrassed.
he finally manages to swallow properly (you almost want to pat him on the back and praise him for swallowing like a good boy) before turning to you.
"do you want me to strip? my chest looks much nicer, I assure you."
you and ei stare at him.
he raises his eyebrows, pointing at her. "her skin looks way too soft and pampered." she looks almost offended. "mine’s covered in scars and I have actual muscles, doesn’t that feel much better for fondling?"
"what if…" you lean closer to him mischievously, like you’re about to tell him some big secret. "I prefer soft chests?"
he deflates. ei flushes, ducking her head into her still-near-full cup of bubble tea. "well, if that’s what you prefer… I can’t get rid of the scars, but I can stop working out. hmm…" he looks like he’s starting to make serious plans.
"no, I honestly don’t really care. all tiddy is good tiddy." you clap your hands. "anyway! it’s more about the boob window. you already have a (sad) tummy window, so it wouldn’t work."
"why not? wouldn’t that be double the sexy?"
"no, it cancels out."
you’re going to ignore whatever gorou has going on, because that works pretty well.
ei looks unfathomably lost.
"and anyway, if we’re talking about tummy windows, gorou wins."
he deflates further.
then he perks up.
"what about…" he brings his fingers to his face. you think it’s an attempt at looking cool. "butt window?"
you deadpan. "have fun getting arrested for public indecency."
he winks at you. "I wouldn’t mind getting arrested if you’re the one punishing me."
you have to physically hold the electro archon back.
"why, I wasn’t expecting to run into any of you here. what are you three up to?" kaeya’s voice cuts through ei’s snarls all of a sudden. he seems amused, but there’s an edge in the way he eyes childe.
"I am definitely sexier than any archon or soldier," childe says at the exact same time that you say "we’re discussing tiddy windows."
kaeya lets out something between a snort and a chuckle. it’s a pretty sound, but you can’t let yourself be distracted by him. he knows what he’s doing.
"oh? in that department, don’t I win?"
you stare intently at his.
"do you want to touch?"
you move your stare to his face. "am I allowed to?"
he smiles, mirth in his eye. "you needn’t ask. all of me belongs to you, and that includes my chest."
you seriously consider it and childe takes the opportunity to shove himself between the two of you.
"wait, wait! I offered first! ignore him, I’m right here!"
"your grace," ei cuts in, "if you’d like to, I don’t mind you touching any part of me."
"ugh, fine, fine! I’ll just sample all of you then. if you’re sure you’re okay with it."
zhongli, somehow, picks the absolute worst moment to walk in.
the look on his face is priceless (you can’t tell if he looks offended or jealous), but even that doesn’t compare to the feeling of soft tiddy in your hands.
you were right, tiddy windows really are the best.
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