#The Function Creep
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accidentally fixed the movement and collision detection. now it's smooth like a normal game and looks something close to presentable.
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crumbling isle - 6 a.m
#ts4 scenery#the sims 4#simblr#s4mm#ts4#s#i love the creep shot of the villareal house frm the bushes <3 in my save i made jacques paranoid instead of erratic it seemed more fitting#also the lighthouse <33 i added the big strobe light from get famous to make it “function”#i love builds frm the gallery but i hate the lighting ppl use in houses and i prefer dark warm tones instead of beige and white but ya#forgot the caption woops
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my life is a very slow process of everyone around me telling me not to be anxious and me fighting them all tooth and nail while inching towards more stable mental health.
#I know it’s not true but sometimes I feel like if I didn’t have anxiety I would not suffer at all#which. again. is false#but there’s a lot of things I don’t want in this life and a lot of things I am not scared of and a lot of things I just accept#and like. It’s FINE#but all my suffering from anxiety stays in one fixed flame of sheer agony#and it’s hard because I don’t shake like a chihuahua in the corner of my bedroom#unable to move or function#I’m always doing things and functioning and joking at parties and (generally) saying the right thing#but it’s all located in one corner in the middle of my mind attacking my ability to make judgments and live with my decisions peacefully#like an unseen wound#and the distance i feel it puts between me and other people#is one of the most painful things#just several sheets of frosted glass between me and them#and sometimes the worst it gets is when I can bear it without breaking down and so I just do and I just keep functioning#and the cold just creeps in and everything goes kind of numb!#tbh now that I think about it this might be why I often think of myself as a person with no desires or ambitions or dreams#or impetus or forward motion or anything#because I DO want things and have opinions and the exist in flashes. But also they’re buried deep under several layers of protective apathy#so they’re not stable. I drop them many times. forget them ignore them imagine that they aren’t there. I’m sorry I’m rambling I’m FINE#actually when I talk about it that’s how you know I’m doing okay with it#when I can’t talk about it and am half-heartedly going through the motions#that’s the problem#anyway whew. thanks for listening sorry for all the self-reflection etc. etc. etc.
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Feeling very Ascension by Gorillaz ft Vince Staples at 2:18
#i need to solve a puzzle or some shit. god. fuck.#i cant concentrate on anything i cant fall asleep i cant stay asleep i cant stay awake i cant wake up on time#i hate depression 😒 and all the other things wrong with me yknow#i need to do something like. good for me. but its so damn hard to drag myself into doing that too#brain. stop being so foggy. please.#im even like. im eating im drinking water. i could probably like do some sort of exercise but everything makes me so tired.....#like even a walk yknow? i do my shift at work and im at 3% battery. i dont. i dont know what to do man#and i dont even wanna die about it???? im actively NOT suicidal for once#like are you kidding me??? ive been suicidal for like over a decade and for once#my brain is still popping up like have you considered killing yourself? 🤔 but im Genuinely not swayed by it at all#which is weird. and probably good. but now i just feel like. numb#stuck. stagnant. foggy. can we PLEASE cut through this fog and have some meaningful brain functions for a little bit. brain. cmon#i dont wanna die but i *do* wanna sleep for like. three days#i want a week off where i have NOTHIN to do#genuinely nothing to do. chores are done work is on pause i need nothing creeping in at the edges thinkin bout#ohhhhh you should be doing this instead..........youre wasting your time........do a task.....#but i cant i cant do a task. i cant. and its so frustrating and i feel bad about it#id feel much worse about it if my BRAIN wasnt as foggy as fucking SAN FRANCISCO#and i keep trying like. healthy ways of ''feeling something'' like hobbies i like or yummy food#nothin. does fuckin nothin. i get off and it gives me a Little bit of clarity Maybe. like#no wonder bad coping mechanisms happen yknow??? its an absolute fucking miracle i havent taken up smoking#anyway. i need to go to bed. tomorrows gonna be a long day. if you feel so inclined send me mental love or something. im fuckin tired folks.
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When you have to take off your socks to change into clean socks and your bare feet touch the floor for exactly fifteen seconds and the dry, smooth sensation makes you want to chop your toes off
#It’s awful#I used to think short carpet was bad but vinyl flooring is the literal WORST#They should make socks that are lined with a rubbery nubby texture for people with sensory issues and/or allodynia#who find light or sliding contact painful and need deep pressure to function#This is why my grandma always wore her penny loafers— even in the hospital bed#I know what you were grandma#I KNOW you#She knew the lyrics to every song ever from 1890–1980 and would spontaneously burst into song if something you said reminded her of a song#And her mother used to sit down and read the dictionary for fun and was essentially a walking encyclopedia#despite dropping out of school at a young age because she just absorbed everything she could find#My aunt talks really really fast and for a really long time and constantly crochets to keep her hands busy#and according to my mom would rock in a rocking chair for hours and hours#All of my uncles and my mom are slightly socially awkward and take LOONG pauses between words sometimes#and something about their neutral facial expressions is “off” and guess who else looks “off” when I’m not purposefully grandiose#Moi [frames face with hands]#me#I can’t quite put my finger on it but I look a little too “dreamy” and like a fish out of water simultaneously#Like “the lights are off but someone is definitely in there watching and it’s kind of creeping me out”#And I will also read the dictionary for fun and I also happen to be a walking encyclopedia#Right now I’m into herbalism and mushrooms and psychotropic substances so I will recite paragraphs of information unsolicited#about any of those things#I guess it’s a branch off my main interest in psychology and human biology
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I was painting and the religious-fanatic teacher came to me and started asking questions about my work. I answered them and I was ready to go on with my day and she goes "we used to talk more when you were well..."
And I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at her like "wtf" because lady you are under 2 wrong assumptions here:
I would let YOU of all people be aware of my mental state or personal life or anything that concerns ME at all.
That we had some kind of amicable relationship to begin with? No, I don't know how you got the wrong impression since I just ever talked to you after I disagreed with your views, criticized you and almost fought with you because you said something both incredibly stupid and triggering... just because I've kept things civil doesn't mean I don't consider you anything other than a pretentious asshole.
The audacity of this woman, to think she can come to me and act all motherly and attentive while trying to get her nose in my personal life while bringing up a past bond which never fricking existed????? What like do you miss our disagreements???
And I just told her, "But... I'm good tho" which is not 100% true, but that's none of her business anyway
And she goes "yeah but you were even better"
BITCH????? No I wasn't? I'm not doing super now but I've vastly improved since last year so idk are you tripping or something???? And then she says something else about my work and keeps talking to me and I'm being civil and cordial because I'm not a rude asshole even if he doesn't even deserve this courtesy for the way she treats us.
Idk what's wrong with her, like she thinks I'm some kind of "problematic kidTM" for the way I look who needs salvation?? Which is not true, I don't need you as a mother. I already have a loving family and friends. Thank you and get the hell away from me????
And even if I were looking for someone's help for anything, I would NEVER in a hundred thousand years go to her for it. Not even for a broken nail lol.
She would probably tell me to go to church and confess or some shit. She already told me to call a confessor for my grandma because she had a little accident when she heard me talking about it with someone else... fkn hell.
#the art school adventures are back#she makes me irrationally angry#steel rambles#I hate it when people assume things about me#and when they try to get close when I've made it clear I don't want them to#because fucking hell I know how it plays out and these people ever have goog intentions even if they think they do#becaus eyou don't force someone to get close to you#it either happens ornit doesn't#also because these peopel try to get close to me WHILE assuming wrong things about me so I just can't have normal interactions#because they're just so fucking certain they understood how I function and even having a heart to heart conversation doesn't do shit#they just can't see me as anything else#and it makes me fucking angry too because I hate being misunderstood but I also can't let the people understand me#because then I'm too vulnerable to them and their manipulation#so idk I guess I prefer being perceived as a “problematic youth” instead of letting her any closer because fuck no she gives me the creeps.#or bad vibes#yeah creeps is too strong of a word#honestly I'm tired of fighting and always feeling on the edge#and it doesn't get easier#or better#but i hate it.
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Omfg UK and US 18-25s I'm begging you to vote in the general/presidential election 😭😭😭 young people already don't vote and then to actively abstain (I get it, all your options suck) but then politicians will have zero reason to appeal to you ever! You're entirely excluding yourselves from the conversation! Vote strategically to vote OUT the worst dude but just vote fr
I know they're all doing genocide and it's fucked but like you literally are not preventing genocide by not voting you're just sitting on your hands
#politics#voting#general election#presidential election#potus#uk#usa#tories#labour#lib dems#republicans#democrats#i know i hate keir starmer and rishi sunak too#trump and biden should be in a retirement facility#but trump is a full on nationalist and biden is at least not a complete nazi like thats a low bar and hes still doing genocide#but so is trump like genocide is unfortunately a given for both elections like none of your options are anti genocide#yes this is hell but like you have to show out in large numbers to prove youre even around and caring about this stuff#or like neo liberals and conservatives will run your countries into the ground even more#like the uk housing and healthcare systems rn are about to collapse entirely#trump is going to manipulate the functioning of government to creep into authoritarianism#its like not a secret this is their platform#serious you have to vote#protest vote#strategic vote
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'it's always one damn medical issue after another' is a silly statement. the damn medical issues overlap
#yes @ universe the thing i wanted most whilst still creeping toward 'functional' w/my arms and wrists#was to get mysteriously sick in 2 different ways. and burn my wrist. thank u#vic talks
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forgot to add extra details and the clouds to these backgrounds.
done that now, still need to add final details when the corresponding 3D models are (eventually) finalised.
interestingly, this area (the Farm Building) is so far the only area in the game to have 2D backgrounds in an outside location! all other 2D backgrounds in the game are of building interiors.
this resulted in the challenge of figuring out a way to stylise the open sky and clouds, and why i kept putting off finishing them for so long (lmao).
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#my inability to function like a normal person in group settings......... i'd say it should be studied but ig it has been 💀💀💀#we'll be sitting in a circle and i will somehow end up sitting behind someone like truly a skill#also the places ive been in over the past week that have been too full of people & had some ppl coughing#here we go again being nervous my thoat instantly feels weird like okay ms psychosomatic. calm down#anyways 😮💨😮💨😮💨#i genuinely don't know what to do either in those situations like brain = quiet and then i end up listening in on ppl's convos and smiling#along & probably looking like a creep but 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
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the test of a good classic 2010-2016 era ship is how hard the 8tracks playlist would go
#um.txt#i just KNOW the [redacted] playlists were crazy. i bet they all closed with . that one song.#and all used samson even though it didn't really fit#take me to church.#sad ukulele cover of creep also#i need to go see if i can find any if the site is still minimally functioning because im 90% sure im right here#also back to original point bc i got distracted: those pirates could never have a good 8tracks playlist#i remember they used the chain in one episode for them and everyone went crazy. redacted is more the chain and they weren't even trying..
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I really recommend this article for further reading into the complexities of german holocaust guilt and how it damages both muslim and jewish communities in germany
#and how it basically just functions as a smokescreen for antisemitism#this stuff creeps me out to my bones theres something so sinister about it#cant remember where i read the quote n its so frustrating#but it was like 'being a jew in germany is like dating someone whose big dramatic feelings constantly overshadow you' or something like tha#but much better phrased
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Private Lessons will become a series. Just unsure whether I'll post it or not.
#❄️ winter: chats#I have five chapters in mind#It gives backstory and more insight into the Dottore of this AU#I just have trouble with writing medical horror#Mainly because I stick a 40mm needle into my thigh muscle every 48 hrs to function#Been through an operation this year with a recovery period of 2 months#And currently have an iron bar screwed into my upper jaw#The horrors are no longer horrors when it's normal#But I do like the awake surgery concept#That creeps me the fuck out#Anyways#Coping with Dottore as always#And now I'll disappear for another half year#So long suckers
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I really love the void creeping up on the screen during the Radiance boss fight. Really good reversal to have what looks like a stage hazard coming not for the player but for the boss, which ascends and flits to and fro trying to escape it.
#me vs hollow knight#it's still functionally a stage hazard to the player but it's not something creeping up to drown you. It's rising *with* you.
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horrendous screenshot to use i know but i have to sew [gestures to kaine] all of that and ideally it should be pretty straight forward. going to use lots of fabric glue for sure. however the chest part is going to be a nightmare
#my brain doesnt function on that level also i wear sports bras so my D cups are more like D mounds#so i might get away with just doing like. a super generic Triangle shape and not worry about the concept of stretch#also no my puthy and cheeks are not going to be out im going to wear BIKE SHORTS like the world intended for me AND her#like kudos to all the 2b cosplayers i see at sacanime who walk with their cheeks out but i have insane amount of celullite#and also a very saggy ass and i dont feel like being percieved by creeps and mean people about that
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Daily Log 2
Trying out (probably just temporarily) making short daily-ish notes about things, in an attempt to see if it helps me be more reflective or productive lol.
Activities: Much less than yesterday, felt sick and sleepy so barely got anything done. It was also warmer inside today.. Very much dreading summer. I still feel like the people who ~~ love warm weather sooo much~~ must also have central heating and air and are able to escape the warmth, or at least have cool airy houses where they can get cross breezes or something.. I just fail to see how ANYONE could enjoy sweating all day because it's like 75F indoors, etc. grrbb,,, the headaches, sleepless sweaty nights, constant physical discomfort, etc. The next few days look cloudy and rainy though so.. yEs.. haha HA
Got a new charger for my old 2004 nokia phone so it actually turns on now, and recorded myself going through the ringtones and games. I might add the footage to a currently not fully edited video of me also looking through other electronics (old phones, turbo twist math, etc.). I love old ringtones actually and if I were rich, I would love to collect old phones specifically just to have a catalogue of what they're like and all of the sounds they contain.
Managed to have a tiny burst of energy and take photos of 3 outfits before my arms and shoulder started hurting and I got too warm.
Sent email to one doctor.
Translated like 3 words for the Avirrekava poem thing I mentioned yesterday. My language document is not organized very well at all so I've kind of lost my flow of working on it. I've heard about people making searchable dictionary type things for their conlangs, so I'd like to look more into that maybe. As well as making a custom font, though I don't know if that's more difficult for syllabaries (so wouldn't be directly linkable to a plain english alphabet keyboard?? eh?). Anyway, I need to finish the tapestry/painting thing/etc. soon though since I have no good place to put it. The canvas is warping a little just laying haphazardly on my closet floor lol.
Made one quick mspaint background image for the next batch of song snippet things for my jokey music youtube.
Edited like 10 minutes of the Giant Worldbuilding Slideshow Project.. couldn't focus on that either since being at the computer today irritated my shoulders and arms.
Notable sights: Saw 6 baby ducks and their parents swimming in a nearby pond!! It's interesting how their colors seem to change so much, and the young ones have the little spots on their back. Not much else, I was not very active lol..
Goals moving forward: Still working on consistent sleep schedule. Focus on social activities, finding new friends in the places I want to move, communicating with ones I have. Physical therapy exercises. Plant nasturtiums. Finish and upload videos, edit pictures, post the poll adventure thing that has been sitting in a draft for weeks (I thought I would get it done today, but alas.. I don't even have to do much, just proofread and post it, I just keep having no energy/being preoccupied with other things/hurts to be on computer.. grrr.. I want to continue the story lol >:T).
Notable foods: HAD ASPARAGUS YEaaaaaghhhHHHH!!!!!!!!! Asparagus SQUAD!!!!!!!!!! ... Also a few pieces of smoked gouda with lunch, one of my favorite cheeses.
#just posting these publicly since it feels more like I'm doing something or easier to hold yourself accountable if you make public#declarations of goals and progress or etc. .. perhaps.. for now..#I'm just curious to see if it helps. I know some poeple do diary style stuff or etc. on social media to help with productivity so#worth trying for like a week at least lol#tired and sleepy of being tired and sleepy though. Every day that stuff like chronic health problems or weather or etc.#interfere with me getting stuff done and it's all stuff that I've also had on my todo list for like.. weeks at this point it's like.. oughh#insurmountable tasks ever looming piling upon my shoulderes...#I've been 'supposed to call a lab to shedule blood work' for like a week and a half now and everyday I get the number#out and look at it and just go 'hmm.... sooon...' and then suddenly it's 10pm and I didn't#You Know How It Is Folks. I'm going to write myself a script of exactly what to say and also tape it to my computer screen#Sometimes that helps. lol#I dont' feel like I need a full on caretaker or something at this point but someitmes I do think like.. in a few years with my various#physical and mental issues it would be nice to have a Person Who Functions Normally Socially come visit me like once#every two weeks to help me plan things and make phone calls. Same with creative stuff too though. I bet I'd be doing something creative as#a career by now if I had like. an Assigned Neurotypical Extrovert to network for me and help me navigate things like that bjhbhj#hashtag hermit problems. etc. etc. (not just like 'a little weird and asocial' but like.. 'near complete inability to function in society'#type hermit problems lol..#ANYWAY.. ..#Also fighting the urge to have another personality typing phase. I can feel it creeping up. My 'once every 3 months when I get very#interested in the enneagram and other stuff again' type of thing. distracting myself with worldbuilding paintings instead ghgj#why don't you do a phone call for your blood work first maybe then you can spend 3 hours reading about tritypes or whatever#I have so many interests and hobbies but a handful of Main Ones and they never go away I just seem to take turns with them#Except worldbuilding I think that's always there. Genuinely again.. wish I could find some way to work that into a career. that is the only#thing I could to 1000 hours straight at any time of day under any circumstance. Kidnap me and lock me in a basement and I will be passing#my time thinking about what type of cheese elves make and all the things I'm going to write once I escape captivity ghjhj#EVEYRHTING else though lol.. kind of comes and goes. but can be annoying when it's suddenly the only thing my mind#wants to focus on. BUT yeagh.. ANYWAY... rambling again#daily log
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