#That said I've done basically no measuring for this and I enjoy that very much lol

[sysig]

Featured - me, fully certain I will make this craft in This Exact Sequence, with These Exact Pieces, and Do Not Need to label or set things in particular order or prepare or anything:

Me, a fool:

[ravewing]

Could you talk about your infection au? I'm invested in it and I've been thinking about it all day

YES HULLO !! i dont want to spoil anything too much and im also working on a field guide sort of thing for the different stages of infection so im gonna try not to talk about those rite neow BUT im so glad that people r enjoying it! so id been seeing these scary mlp infection things ALLL over my tik tok feed for weeks and i was like .. yanno .. itd be really silly if i made this wof .. so i spent like 3 days mulling over what i could make the infection actually BE and i almost made it like the icewing plague but like it went scary but i didnt really know how to keep going with that so then i came up with a super smart idea which turned into this😋i dont wanna say where it started yet cuz ermm lore stuff but i will say that liek in the story the infection doesnt officially have a name yet so everyones just calling it like. the sickness at jade mountain. most of the infected originated IN jade mountain with the first symptoms being noticed in moon and turtle respectively, and then with the icewing students. i cant tell you guys how they got sick bc again . lore ..... but i think that its like kinda possible to find out. but i dunno. vulture and fierceteeth are also sick. there is ONE singular factor that unites these 4 + icewings, which miight b the reason WHY they got sick.kinkajou technically SHOULD be sick but she isnt for another reason that i cant say but if you really look into wof lore then i think u can figure it out idk. the infections transmitted via saliva/blood transmission, so mainly bites. tail barbs of infected sandwings are capable of spreading the sickness. there are 4 stages (5 if you count death) and it takes around 3 to 3.5 weeks for all stages to finish,, by ep3 the sickness has been around for ~2.5 weeks. the only KNOWN cure is amputation of wherever the infected area is,, so MUCH easier in early stages, unfortunate if its on an inconvenient spot, and impossible after hives start spreading. obvi flame had to be important bc i heart flame and i was like .. wait .. hes a healer in canon ...... so that worked out perfectly !! ik that in canon liana is like one of glorys MANY bodyguards but idc shes a healer here bc ermm i said so . also liana and mango r dating but i dont think that its relevant to the plot theyre just girlfriends in my head . as of right now kinkajou and peril are the only known immune dragons, with kinkajou for reasons currently unknown and peril bc . yknow . shes on fire . glory is in close contact with ruby and both kingdoms have taken measures to notify their kingdoms; the rainforest is under a sort of lockdown with rainwings on constant patrol/lookout for outsiders entering, they accept anyone who isnt infected to stay there for refuge while the skywing kingdom is in basically total lockdown other than ruby's messengers. ruby and glory also exchange their respective kingdoms medical knowledge, with the skywings having very good technology and rainwings having an expansive knowledge on medical herbs. nobody has heard from coral- the last thing she did was call for anemone's return back to the kingdom, and once she arrived, they all went underwater and have since then cut all outside contact. the mudwings are aware of the sickness but have so far done nothing about it; moorhen has warned her subjects but thats really it. i havent really decided what the sandwings or the icewings are up to but let me tell you guys its looking really rough for the icewings . so far it looks as though royal icewings are more resilient- tundras currently sick, but the sickness seems to be progressing much slower. this was initially believed to be because of the cold, but then other icewings started getting sick, and so its believed to just be a royal thing- likely something in their genetics. icicle is also sick but shes in stage 4 .. pray for my girl guys. lynx is helping snowfall out the best she can, but with the population getting increasingly sick seemingly spontaneously, its extremely difficult and stressful. the talons have quarantined sanctuary too. ok im outta characters but ya ty 4 the support!!

[vikings-til-valhalla]

So I'm REALLY happy!! As I said, I'm making the gambeson, however, my machine is around 40 years old at least, and it's always had issues with the bobbin bunching up.

Not the issue you want to encounter when you're about to sew with expensive fabric and leather to wear long-term.

This machine was used by my grandmother when she was alive, it is my mother's machine and she lets me use it now, but both warned me repeatedly that the bobbin is a fucking nightmare.

Well... I tinker with machines constantly. It's one of my autism stims. I absolutely THRIVE on it, hence why I enjoy my 3D printers, and my PC, so dearly!! So I went online and searched for a bunch of stuff, some tutorials, asked a few folks, etc. in attempt to try finding a fix.

Turns out you're supposed to clean your machine at least once a year.

In 40 years my mother and grandmother never ONCE cleaned it because, according to my mom, neither knew you were supposed to.

So last night, from 11pm until 3:30AM because insomnia sucks, I was working at dismantling that sewing machine, cleaning it with some 99.9% rubbing alcohol which I have a copious amount of for resin 3D printing, and I probably used close to 20 cotton swabs, if not more, just for the bobbin case alone.

But I had the entire inside to clean beyond that.

Tonight, my father turned on the compressor (which I can't reach myself even with a stool because, again, dwarfism is a bastard), and I blasted the inside machinery carefully of course. Went from all angles, even going through the bottom vents, and the vent below what houses the presser foot.

All the lint gone in 2 minutes tops. Everything was spotless.

Along with that, it also turned out I had the wrong class bobbins overall. I'm very new to machine sewing. I've done all my work by hand since childhood up until this past November, and I wasn't aware that, apparently, bobbins aren't universal, and the millimeter measurement of a bobbin isn't enough to go by, but you need to figure out what the class of bobbin your machine uses. I had a set of class 15 ones when, really, I needed class 66.

Leave it to a 3D printing guy who knows mm is fine for any blanket printing shit, to think that'll translate to sewing.

Thankfully, for buying so much fabric at the store, I had a $5 reward. And a dozen pack of bobbins in the necessary class was only $6. So I basically stopped in at the store, and I snagged the whole pack of bobbins for $1 and a few cents.

And when I put that machine back together tonight, plugged in the proper bobbin, and tested some stitching?

Not. One. Bunch.

A problem of almost 4 decades is fixed.

All by a single determined Dwarf who refused to pay for a new machine, or professional service when he can just repair the one he's got on his own.

So yeah! Tomorrow the gambeson begins!!!

[ravenpuffheadcanons]

Victory! I have completed/defeated War and Peace!

Overall, I loved being so immersed in this world for the past three months or so. Even though this was not a speedy read, I can so easily see why it has become a beloved classic. Most of the characters are incredibly well-realised, and I wanted to know what happened to them all by the end. I was expecting to have to force myself through the War bits in order to get to the Peace, based on what I've heard so many people say over the years, but I actually enjoyed most of the battles and military scenes. Although I could have done without some of the bits where Tolstoy ventriloquises Napoleon, I was pretty impressed that - for a mammoth novel - this ran along at a very decent clip. Much too much for me to talk about, even in a very lengthy post, so I'll skip to the ending.

In terms of the central characters - I wanted a happier, or at least more satisfying, ending for Marya than marriage to a man with a nasty temper who dislikes babies. Who dislikes babies? Who refers to his own babies as pieces of meat? Nikolai Rostov, apparently. Their marriage is clearly not a partnership, at least not in terms of its contrast to Pierre and Natasha. However, I am glad that Marya - honestly one of my favourite characters in anything, ever - gets to live in this big and loving family unit, with kids/in-laws/generally people all around who respect her, especially after living a life of such intense loneliness. I suppose Nikolai does clear the low bar of "less awful than her father", and she gets a measure of autonomy and respect through her position running the household that she's never had before. (Sitting on my hands to stop myself from writing a fic where she becomes a nun instead, or goes off with the mystics. I do not have the time to research post-Napoleonic Russian Orthodoxy). I do believe that Tolstoy thinks he's given her a happy ending - and he clearly knows that Marya is the best character in the book, even if Natasha is his favourite - so I forgive him for pairing her up with Useless Nikolai. And at least she gets to have Natasha for a best friend/sister-in-law!

Even though I could have done without Tolstoy Discourses on Gender Relations, I really do love the way he writes about Pierre and Natasha - and the way he brings them back together when they are both in such desperate need of joy. I loved the fact that, before they meet again, both are separately described as rusty or rusting. There's so much emphasis on the fact that they've both been through something awful - Pierre's captivity, Natasha's whole Andrei Situation. When they come together, it's as adults who have been through the mill separately, and they heal together and make each other stronger. The man I was sat next to at the theatre yesterday had also just finished reading W&P, and said that Natasha ended up with the wrong man. I pointed out that Pierre is kind and loving (and faithful, which is basically unheard of for a Tolstoy character), and his wife describes him very affectionately as "an excellent nanny". Great qualities, all. (The show then started before he could offer a rebuttal, so I consider that I won).

Speaking of the theatre! To cap off this excellent reading experience, I managed to get a cramped seat at the Donmar Warehouse to see Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812, which I saw the very day after I finished the book! This is already a long post, so I will spare you my in-depth thoughts about all the adaptational choices they made. Suffice to say that I think they did my beloved Marya wrong (of course they did; Tolstoy was unbelievably rare in treating Marya kindly), but otherwise I loved it from start to finish.

Anyway. I have completed War and Peace in time to continue a favourite Christmas tradition, i.e. making an overambitious pile of unread books at the end of my last working day of the year. I will definitely not finish all of these by the end of the fortnight. I can but dream!

[pbandjesse]

I had a pretty nice day. And we got to end it with our signed contracts and getting the inspections scheduled. It is starting to feel more real and I'm getting to feel a little more excited.

I slept okay but not as well. I had very strange dreams. About exploring the basement of our building and moving and all those things my brain is working though. I let myself wake up naturally again and woke up around 930 and didn't feel amazing but I felt okay.

I had things to do before Naomi and Kim came over. She had texted me asking if I had green fabric and I said I would pull out some cheistmasy fabrics for us.

I would have eggsalad again and would pick up some stuff. I would take a hair drto the tops of my candles to try and fix a few imperfections. This did not work as well as I was hoping but I still think they look great and I'm very proud of them. I'm excited to give them as gifts.

I would do a lot of knitting today. And was able to finish all the pieces for one whole side of the blanket I'm making and I'm thrilled about that. I would do that basically on and off all morning.

I did some cleaning and played with sweetp and just enjoyed being home where it was warm and not outside where it was grey and gross. I encouraged James to take the car to work because of the weather and I'm glad they did because it was gross today and would start raining pretty soon after I got up. It was just grey and sad outside all day. It's still pouring now actually.

Kim would text me a little after 1 when her and Naomi arrived. I came down to get them and Naomi was clearly excited. Rushed right upstairs.

Sweetp was being very friendly and lovey which was really cute. And I love how much Kim and Naomi love him. He would hang with us some of the time they were here but he also would just do his own thing.

We had lot of work today. And that was awesome. I didn't want to be belittling or anything but I wanted to go over some basics and skills that seem really easy but take some skills. Like cutting the fabric and threading the needle but also just using a fabric tape measure. And I was able to go over a bunch of my tools like tailors chalk and pinking sheers and it was fun.

We started with a shirt and that went really well I also had Naomi do a blanket stitch around the collar because it's fleece and it makes it look more finished. And she did an excellent job. We would next use some cotton and I showed her how to sew down the hems first and then attach the pieces and that one would be a little jacket.

Finally we would work on a little scarf for one of the plushies that just has to big of a head. But he looks great! And we were just loving the way this scarf turned out. Honestly I could seriously see all the progression Naomi is making and I was having so much fun showing her everything. And she was able to use the sewing machine almost completely independently. I am thrilled. I hope to show her how to use her own someday!

Her mom was also just really nice to talk to. Kim is very sweet and I told her about the house and she wished us luck and she made me feel a little more excited.

I am still trying to not be to excited but I won't lie, I am excited. I've been saving ideas of painting and furniture and all that fun stuff and I'm just really excited to start figuring things out. I dont want to be disappointed but I don't think I'm going to be. I think it's going to be great.

After they left I would clean up our stuff and would jump into my next project. I heated up some frozen Mac and cheese and started planning out the stand for my fish knife.

I knew I wanted to do a board like a billy bass. But as I was laying it out I was thinking about it being on a plate. And I really ran with that and I love it. It's not done. I want to add something else to the plate but I had so much fun figuring this out.

I even used some modeling paste to create some dimension to the things on the plate and I was just having so much fun over the day. Painting. Then letting it dry. And coming back and forth. And for real, Callie knocked it out of the park it's such a good gift.

I would go back to the couch to continue to knit while I was waiting for the paint to dry. And soon James was home and I was so happy to see them. And they were so sweet when they got home being so lovey. They are very clearly stressed about everything but I was still really happy that they seemed so happy in that moment.

It was decided we needed to go to the grocery store for a few things for the dinner I wanted. James said I didn't need to come with them but I wanted to be with them. And so we headed out into the gross night together.

The grocery store was fine. We got a few fun things. But we stuck to the list for the most part.

While we were checking out Harold called us. And said to check our email because he has great news. His email was so cute with lots of bottle emojis. But the sellers signed the paperwork and we can move forward with the inspection. We are getting an air quality test tomorrow and then on Tuesday afternoon we are getting the home inspection. I'm thrilled. I am excited that we will get to be there so while he's doing his inspection I can be measuring things and looking at specifics like closets and the back "yard" and measuring things. Just being more excited and it's just really fun.

We had some stress after we called Harold back in the car and got some answers about how things will go and what we need to do. He said we needed to wire the money for the deposit over. But we didn't know how to do that so we had some stress when we got home.

We couldn't figure out how to Google it and our banks websites weren't helping. Finally we decided we should just text Harold and he said we can go to our bank in the morning. Excellent thank you Harold.

I had some nachos while James made us some Thai curry rice. Which was really good but I mostly wanted to eat the naan James made which was very very good. Love my James.

They were kind of upset with stress. But we would talk and try to just chill. They had forgotten their laptop cord at work so they used my laptop to watch sports while they painted their nails and I continued to knit and paint.

It has been a really nice night. I washed my hair. And we talked about our Christmas travels. And now we are in bed and it's just nice listening to the rain. I feel happy. Tired and sore but happy.

Tomorrow we have many things to do. We have to go to the bank. James is going to make cookies. I have to go pick something up from awah. We have to go get food gifts. And then we have the Christmas party at the BMI. It's going to be a full day but I think it's going to be fun.

I love you all. Goodnight everyone!

[animebw]

I find it hilarious that you dropped Hell’s Paradise literally the episode before it outright addressed (and fixed, imo) the issues you have with it.

Well, I'll let you in on a little secret: it's not just that Hell's Paradise was bugging me in the gender department. It's also that it doesn't really have much to offer beyond that,

See, just because a work has Problematic Elements(tm) isn't really an indication of whether or not I'll stick with it. Fruits Basket is one of my favorite anime of all time, and we all know the kind of shit that show is capable of. What really matters, at the end of the day, is whether or not the anime in question is interesting or meaningful enough in other areas to justify me sticking with it through its ugly patches.

Example: there's another anime airing this season called Heavenly Delusion. It's this post-apocalyptic mystery thing that's like Shinsekai Yori mixed with Promised Neverland, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that there's a reveal early on where it seems like one of the protagonists might be trans, but then it swerves into gross territory instead. Basically, a younger brother had his brain transplanted into the body of his older sister who he had incestuous feelings for, and it's implied at multiple points that he still, well... has those feelings for this body, if you get my drift. It's an incredibly creepy detail, arguably worse than anything in Hell's Paradise, and I don't blame anyone who's too skeeved out by it to bother with the show.

But you know what else Heavenly Delusion has? Stunning animation, a great sense of mystery, some of the most electrifying, cinematic direction I've ever seen in TV anime, great chemistry between its main characters, and a constantly evolving story that activates my brain's theory-crafting centers like few things in recent memory. This show is a goddamn blast on so many levels that I can stomach this one gross element to enjoy all the other incredible things it has to offer. And hey, there's definitely an undercurrent of playing with gendered expectations running throughout its subtext, so this subplot might even end up going somewhere worthwhile when all's said and done. We'll see!

Hell's Paradise, though? I struggle to hold onto a single thought about that show by the time I finish watching an episode. Like, the action is neat, I guess? And the setting's certainly unique. But the characters are mostly flat, the dialogue is pretty trite all around, and despite how strong the action animation is, the overall aesthetic is just kind of ugly and unpleasant to look at. It's overly awash in dull fog and light bloom that desaturates the image to an almost painful degree; it's like trying to watch a show through a thin layer of vaseline smeared on my computer screen. It's clearly trying to do something interesting with its themes of the nature of death and killing, but it's all very Shonen Basic thus far. And with nothing else of interest to hang onto, I'm much less forgiving of, or willing to patiently wait out, its fumbled half-measures at reaching a point of Not Painfully Cringe on the gender front.

TLDR: Glad to head HP is turning around on that front, but the show's just not interesting enough for me to want to return to otherwise.

[ensi-undertale]

Hi!

I've been reading Dead Man Walking and I really like its concept, you write it so well ! I have a few questions regarding the last chapter, when Black and Wolf (and Red) ambushed Reader:

What did Red mean when he said Reader was "his bro's"?

Black seems so far to me like a pretty smart, resourceful, devious person, far from an impulsive one (which is in part exemplified by him settling for "warning" Reader instead of killing her or the makeshift knife for instance). It really surprises me that he fell for thinking Reader is the one who actually stole his book. Hell, when she defended herself, he even seemed surprised by it. So, why/how did he fall for it just like that? Or is it just a matter of prejudice against humans (kinda rightfully so, honestly)?

Blue seemed pretty-ish confident that Black and Wolf wouldn't hurt Reader, if only due to the fact that Stretch and Wolf are friends. What's Blue's relationship with Black?

Why would Red help Black ambush Reader? Are they friends? (Since it seems that Black maybe wouldn't have done all of this if she was Red's?)

Hiya! So glad you’re enjoying it! Let’s take a look…

1) I don’t know want to spoil too much of the relationship that will develop between Edge and MC, but what I will say is, Red didn’t mean that romantically or as a friend. Edge and reader have yet to interact since what happened, but Red is looking out for his brothers interests. What could he have meant by that….. perhaps Edge has claimed MC as ‘his’ adversary? After all, in his mind, she basically embarrassed him, and as we will find out Edge uses his reputation to protect him and Red. He’s going to have to work extra hard to show the inmates that he’s got MC under control!

2) Black has had very bad experiences with Humans, as we will find out when we learn more about his backstory and life before the prison. You’re right that he’s resourceful, he’s not blind with rage like some of our skeletons. He had to learn to measure his emotions and be cautious, in order to successfully raise his little brother underground and protect him. Losing his mind at the wrong person would quickly get them killed! However, due to past experiences, he really struggles with Humans. He didn’t know MC at all so had no way of knowing it wasn’t her who stole the book, but he does have a healthy dose of skepticism at the Facilitators and their antics, which again we will see more of soon. He wasn’t 100% it was her who stole it, but because she’s a Human and therefore can’t be trusted at all, he felt he NEEDED to give her this warning / threat. Black is a little peacock and he needed to puff himself up and look dangerous lol

3) We will explore this in 2 chapters time. I’ve already written chap 6, so I am starting to write Blue and Black’s chapter now. I think it’ll be best experienced live, so I’m going to keep you in suspense for now!:)

4) I’m sure Red and MC will chat about this soon and cover it. However, actually, Red didn’t help the ambush. He was actually looking for his brother and wasn’t expecting MC to come into the cell block. He is being genuine when he says that he didn’t think she would be stupid enough to come here. But that being said… he didn’t help her in any way during the ambush. He just doesn’t care about her and is happy to leave her to Black. He stayed to see what happened so he could report back to Edge, as I’ve hinted above, Edge might have a bit of a vendetta against us.

[glowingbadger]

I've been having major thoughts of Dimitri and Seteth dealing with a brat. Like they're laid back, do what they want, tease, and break rules sometimes on PURPOSE to bother them. Nsfw or sfw or both just anything from you is fine bc it's always chefs kiss

Well now, those are two VERY different ways of taming a brat I'd say :3 ((also thank you ^^))

cw: sub-dom dynamics, brat taming, some degradation

Dimitri, Seteth x Brat!Reader (GN)

NSFW 18+

Dimitri:

- Dimitri doesn't instinctively lean into power play, and if you begin to introduce him to it, he does enjoy it, but primarily as a softer Dom. As a result, getting bratty and teasing him for a while is just about the only way to see the harsher side of what he could be capable of in bed. In a way, that can be quite enticing in its own right; what self-respecting brat doesn't just adore pushing their lover until their restraint cracks and they show what they can really do?

- He can tolerate and even laugh off a good amount of bratty behavior- you're his beloved after all, and your more feisty nature is refreshing, and part of what drew him to you to begin with. To a great extent, it could be assumed that he even enjoys indulging your more willful behavior. That said, Dimitri is also well aware of a certain measure of appearances that must be kept to maintain public opinion of him as King, so every now and then, an infraction of yours here and there may need to be punished. Sliding your hand up his thigh during a banquet with visiting nobles, or pulling him aside just before a meeting to whisper a few lewd words to deliberately rile him up will both result in a loving yet firm scolding later.

- For such every-day naughty behaviors, you're likely to be gently reprimanded, yet with the slightest hint that perhaps Dimitri enjoys your teasing a bit more than he lets on. Usually, he prefers to make love by easing into you, allowing you to adjust to his size gradually, and in a position where he can face you and enjoy your beautiful expressions and luxurious moans. When you've been pushing at him a bit, however, he'll turn you onto your stomach and snap his hips aggressively against you, stuffing you full of his cock and stretching you out around him. Though even as he steadily pounds into you, he nuzzles the back of your neck and murmurs, "Darling, you know that I can't withstand that sort of teasing..."

- In general, Dimitri is far more likely to coax you into behaving with promises of time together that night. He catches you rolling your eyes when he tells you he'll be meeting with a particularly irritating and arrogant member of the nobility that night, and he laughs, brushing your cheek, then kissing your forehead and saying, "I know his kind tend to test your patience, my love- but if you can be good for me and behave during our talks, I promise I will spoil you as much as you like this evening. Anything at all that you ask of me."

- It takes a lot to really break Dimitri's restraint- he wants so dearly to be kind and soft towards you. While he never wishes to strike you, even at your worst behaved (need I remind us, the man is fully capable of breaking bones by accident and he would never forgive himself if he did anything eve close to that to you), he will instead use his near-inhuman strength to manhandle you on his bed into any position he wants to fuck you in for a full night of punishment. Dimitri has a good deal of stamina and takes a while to cum to begin with, so when you need to be well and truly put in your place, he'll fill you with his cock over and over until you're an over-fucked, incoherent mess beneath him.

- He's not very talkative when punishing you- in fact, the worse you've behaved, the more Dimitri relies on primal grunts and moans, rather than words. The most you're likely to hear from him is a low, rumbling, "I am not finished with you yet," as he lifts your leg against his body, spreading you for him as he fucks into you, with you merely laying limp on your side. That all said, once he's sated for the night, he'll carry your trembling body to a hot bath and massage away any lingering aches and pains. He dotes on you and praises you for taking your punishment so well, and after how hard and deep he fucked you and how sweet your darling lover always is to you, it's hard to not want to behave for him.

Seteth:

- We're basically on the opposite end of the Dom spectrum here; Seteth is ready and willing to punish you to the fullest extent for any number of misdemeanors. I've said before that he thrives in power play, and I stand by that (though I do see him as a switch over all). There's plenty that gets under his skin- risky behavior that could bring you to harm, flagrant disregard for Monastery rules or decorum, and of course, teasing him during work. While to others, he may just stiffen and clear his throat, you'll always catch the spark of warning in his eyes, telling you silently that you're toeing a dangerous line.

- Seteth is more than comfortable with experimenting with you until he discovers the full range of what you can handle (and not-so-secretly enjoy) in a punishment session. He'll learn exactly how hard he can spank you, how firmly you want his hand around your pretty neck, and how deep you can take his cock. His usual style of punishment is stern and uncompromising, but fair, and you may even catch him slipping into his "school disciplinarian" voice as he lectures you about your unacceptable behavior, spanking you across his lap while forcing you to keep count of each strike.

- One of his favorite ways to put you in your place- especially if you've been pestering him during his work day- is to force you to sit still with his cock nestled deep inside of you while he catches up on the paperwork your antics distracted him from earlier. He'll remind you that it's your own fault that he's too busy to spend time with you now, then slap your thigh or your ass if you dare to try moving even an inch. Then, if you're very, very good for him and stay perfectly still until he's done, he'll lift you and carry you to his bed.

- Boy can Seteth compose a lecture, even in the bedroom. When you've been especially bad, he'll tie your wrists behind your back and force you to your knees. Then, as he pushes his impressive length into your throat, he'll go on about how shameful your behavior has been, how you're "evidently no better than some common whore," and so on. If you're the type who likes verbal degradation, Seteth is almost unintentionally a master in the field. It may even get to the point that overhearing him reprimanding a student at the Monastery intensely arouses you, simply because of how your body naturally responds to that tone of voice.

- Okay hear me out. Calling Seteth 'sir' completely by accident while he pounds you against the bed for being especially badly behaved. And it just does something to him that he was not prepared for. He's gripping onto the headboard for leverage and slamming his full length into you so hard you lose your breath. Your eyes roll back, and he's scolding you, but you can hardly even make sense of his words anymore, so you just mumble out, "Ye- Yessir..!" and he groans, grabs your hips in both hands and says, "Again. Louder."

[carlatsukinamistolemyhamsandwich]

This is something I've been asking myself, but can you tell me everything the brothers Carla and Shin did wrong throughout all the games in and out of their routes? I've been wondering about this recently, sorry if this is sudden to ask...

Hi anon, while I do know quite a lot of Carla and Shin's routes off the top of my head, I'm not quite as good with all of the other Dark Fate routes and there are still routes in CL I haven't played that I don't really want to spoil for myself if I can avoid it. In order to do what you're asking, I'd basically have to go through every single DF and CL route and double check their LE routes (which admittedly I know a little too well but I do generally like to double check things). To my memory Lunatic Parade doesn't contain them doing anything particularly bad aside from Shin picking on some of the guys but if you were to do a really thorough job it wouldn't hurt to check those too.

I'm afraid that is a monumental amount of work that I'm really not willing to commit to for the sake of a single ask, especially as what I qualify as bad enough to make the list might not necessarily be the same as you or someone else. If you genuinely want to know all of the things Carla and Shin have done, then honestly I would suggest you read their routes for yourself as all of the DF routes have been very kindly translated by @dialovers-translations (who has put an incredible amount of work into her blog over the years) and their LE routes have also been translated and you can find links to them on @vampirerosemary's incredibly useful masterlists.

Now if you're asking this because you're not particularly comfortable with dark content and want to know whether to avoid DF or not, I'm afraid I would honestly suggest just not engaging with any of the main games and instead focusing on the bonus drama CDs and Lunatic Parade which is much more fluffy. I know some will say you shouldn't ignore the darker aspects of the series but at the end of the day, it's just fiction and looking out for your own well-being matters more than berating yourself for not engaging with all of the content.

On the other hand, if you're asking this just to measure how "bad" Carla and Shin are compared to the other guys, I'll cut to the chase. Literally all of the diaboys are problematic in one way or another (and even Yui can be in some of the bad endings) so I honestly don't think trying to find a "least bad" is really all that meaningful, especially as you may consider certain actions to be far worse than someone else (for example I actually found Shuu's HDB route to be way more off-putting than Laito's, which as far as I can tell, is a very uncommon opinion).

I have said before that I think out of all of the boys, Azusa is the least malicious but even then he's hardly a saint.

However, I don't think there's any use in feeling guilty about fangirling over the diaboys even though they've all done bad things. I think if you're mature enough to properly engage with some of the themes that feature in DL, then you should be able to distinguish reality and fiction. As long as you understand that irl you should run for the hills from anyone who acts like the boys, there's nothing wrong with having fantasies with dark elements if that's what you enjoy.

Another thing I want to just say while I have the chance that I saw mentioned many years ago but seems to have been forgotten about is this idea of choice. So, in game, particularly the early games, Yui does not have a chance to consent to what the boys do to her, and if you look at it from that perspective, DL is pretty much entirely a horror story (it's one of the reasons why I don't particularly enjoy writing Yui x diaboy scenarios versus reader x diaboy material).

However, the thing you have to take into account is that you, either through listening to the CDs, or playing the games, or reading the translations are effectively giving your consent to keep the scenario going and see what happens. At any point, you have the ability to take out your headphones, or turn off your console or stop reading, make up some ending in your head and never think about the series again. At the end of the day, the person in charge isn't the boys, or Yui, or even Karl, it's you.

Now I know some people prefer to view the player as being completely passive (i.e. Yui is her own character and we're just helplessly watching her story), but the fact of the matter is that in the games, that straight up isn't true, our decisions control the ending. And like I said, if anything comes up that makes you uncomfortable, you can just stop playing, and I would recommend you do at that point, especially if you're not too clear on what your own limits are when it comes to consumption of dark material.

Anyway what I am trying to get at here? Basically, the reason why you can enjoy DL as a dark fantasy is because at any point, you can disengage from it. If you find yourself reading DL and just getting upset about bad things happening to Yui, it's not that those feelings aren't valid, but honestly you are far better off taking a step back, maybe writing her a happy ending yourself if you enjoy writing, and then leaving it be. Please do not read things that only upset you, life is too short to inflict misery on yourself.

Anyway I'm sorry this isn't what you asked for anon, but hopefully it has at least been some use to you.

[help-im-a-gay-fish]

The Night of the First Mistake

Sequel to

Synopsis: pre X-orcist, almost a year after Nightmare's death, Dream is still not on top of his grief and causes him to resort to desperate measures.

Tw mentions of death/dead loved ones.

X-orcist au belongs to me and @zu-is-here

Dreams, Demons and Desires is by me.

Enjoy

Almost a year had past since he'd last seen Nightmare. The skeleton couldn't say he had mourned him, but the news of his death had been unfortunate to say the least. Who could have seen someone like Nightmare dying in such a preventable way? Not him, that's for sure.

He was a friend... Or at least a friendly acquaintance, clearly he'd not been quite close enough to Night's inner circle to be invited to the funeral. He'd never even met Night's brother. Despite that, the news of his parting had deeply saddened him and every so often, he thought of him with a sigh.

A good customer and a good person.

This evening, Nightmare played at his thoughts again, probably drudged up by the anniversary of the accident approaching, he hadn’t meant to make note of the day, but he had. a few weeks would be the anniversary of the day he heard the news. 

He thought back to a year ago, a few weeks before his death. The words he’d said about his brother and the increasing frustration about his sinful thoughts. Killer didn't judge him for such feelings, he was no stranger to sin.

Other then that, there was nothing at all strange about this night.

Tonight, just like any night, he was in his shop and the counter. It was a cold October and pretty soon he'd be closing up.

It was dark and chilly in his shop and had a strangely pungent smell, which hit the moment you walked in. A mix of crushed herbs and spices, old books and stale coffee.

An old set of scales sat on the counter top in front of him, as did a till, several glass jars and containers and a large collection of dirty coffee mugs.

Behind him there was a large book case full of many strange books. Ones with faded titles, ones with thick leather bindings, some with large strains spreading across the covers or pieces missing. If you asked him, he'd liked to have said that he'd read all of them... But there were a few he hadn't. He wasn't much of a reader outside of this collection.

As he nursed yet another cup of coffee from the café next door, he tapped his slender skeleton fingers on the counter top. He was bored.

With a glance at the clock, he decided today that he could close up early. It was his shop after all, he made the rules. A small collection of trinkets and charms hung around his neck and clinked together against his old coat, as he got to his feet.

Just as he prepared to take today's earnings from the till to count it, he heard the door and a jingle of the shop bell, indicating someone had entered.

He set an empty eye socket in their direction as they froze, looking nervous.

The person was new, but also something about them was strangely familiar. After scanning them for a moment, his face twisted into a sly smile upon realising who the new comer could be. He turned his face to them fully, staring his pitch eyes right through them. They tensed, which amused him slightly.

"well hello Little Light.... How may I help you"

Dream seemed taken back slightly by the pet name. It wasn't something he was used to. His hands fused with the fastening on his coat.

"uhh Hello.....I’m..... Uh.."

The shop keep chuckled again. Such nervous behaviour wasn't something he saw often from his customers. Looks like it was going to be an interesting night and to think, he was going to close up.

"nervous Lil light?"

Dream once again tensed and shuddered slightly.

"Please.... Don't call me that" he stammered slightly before taking a breath "My name is Dream"

The shop keepers grin got even wider and it made a chill run up Dream's spine. There was something extremely unnerving about this skeleton. Maybe it was the emptiness of his eyes or the strange carvings around them, but Dream was sure that it was more then that.

The atmosphere of the shop was very unsettling and kind of cramped in Dream’s opinion. There were many trinkets, stones, crystals and small animal bones stacked neatly on the shelves. It was this, along with bags of salt and bundles of sage and garlic, that reassured him he was in the right place for what he needed. 

"Dream huh?.... Thought so" he said in a low tone "I'm so glad to finally meet you"

The nervous shifting of his hands continued, as Dream once again tensed even further. He was acting friendly, but it still felt ever so slightly...off.

"h-how do you know me?"

"I knew your brother and I'd recognise that pendant I sold him anywhere" he said, with his eyes looking at Dream's chest.

Dreams fingers quickly shot to the star charm hanging from his neck, and gripped it tight. Looks like this was the right place.

"Not to mention there's your golden eyes" he  continued, shifting his gaze straight into Dream's eye sockets. It was strange how Dream knew where he was looking, even without eye lights.

"he often talked about them......He was right when he said they were very beautiful if I do say so myself~"

Dreams face blushed slightly, but he felt a familiar twist in this chest at the mention of Nightmare and a sinking feeling when he was reminded how Night felt about him. His brother had often complimented his eyes.....

He'd just never really understood it was more then brotherly affection. At least until now.

"I.... Uh" Dream said before clearing his throat "You're Killer.... Aren't you?"

Flexing his fingers, Killer nodded. The grin didn't leave his face.

"looks like my reputation proceeds me"

Dream let go of his necklace and a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "I thought it might be you.... Based off something he wrote in his diary".

Before Night's accident, Dream had never even considered reading his diary. That was just a basic code of conduct. However, after his death, it became something Dream had often thought about. The diary, and everything else Nightmare owned, now belonged to him. For that reason he'd taken the book out of Nightmare's room.

However, he'd just kept it on his bedside table for almost a year before he finally had the courage to read it.

It had mostly been a fond look over some old memories, some good and some bad. But there were also passages about his feelings for Dream, sometimes written confessions addressed him. Every word was full of truth, longing and pain. Dream had felt it all.

Those had been hard to read, but he'd not skipped a single page and read them each through several times.

Nearer the end of the book, Nightmare had started talking about his interest in the supernatural. Dream remembered his twin getting fascinated in that and spending long evenings talking with him about it over tea and biscuits.

One thing Dream hadn't known about, where his trips to the next town over, where he wrote about finding this shop and the shop keep. This had been where the interest started. It was this that had lead Dream to come here.

"right..." Killer said, downing what was left in his coffee mug and setting in on the counter top.

"well.... What can I help you with?"

Yeah.. Nightmare had written that Killer was always one to cut to the point. Dream knew that what he was going to ask sounded insane and he wasn't even fully sure if Killer was the right person to ask. But at this point he was desperate, he just needed to know. With his grip returning to his brothers pendent, he remembered who he was doing this for.

He took a deep breath.

"Can you bring people back from the dead?"

Killer didn't react visibly to that. But he drew out a long silence. After a little Dream was sure he saw his jaw clench. The silence was completely deafening, broken only by the sound of Killer's fingers tapping the counter top. Dream figured that he was probably struggling to think what to say. After what felt like a life time, he spoke.

"I specialise in charms and equipment for preventative measures to stop spirits inhabiting homes....I do not....." he paused

"I don't try and bring the dead to the living realms".

Dreams face fell. He really shouldn't have been so disappointed, it was a crazy ask. But with the way Killer spoke and what he sold in the shop, he'd felt so close to what he wanted. But maybe it really was just impossible.

He felt tears threatening to spill, he just couldn't take all this guilt anymore. All he wanted to do was tell his brother he was sorry. That night. That kiss. That dam horribly wonderful kiss...and that car. 

"however...." Killer continued.

Dream felt hope flush through at those words and stood up slightly straighter. Killer turned his back to dream and started looking over the bookshelves behind the counter.

He didn't say a word, as Dream curiously watched him. He ran his thumb across the spines of several of the oldest and most dusty looking of them, eventually plucking out a large leather bound book with silver straps.

He walked back over, blowing dust off it as he did, and set it down on the counter with a light thud. The cover was extremely dusty and the leather was cracked and split in several places, yet the title still read fairly clearly and Dreams felt his heart skipped a beat.

The Practice of a Necromancer. Vol one of three. Summoning, Controlling and Banishing.

"I've not read this one fully, but it's been in my collection for years.... I suppose this would be the right place to look"

With that, he slowly opened the book and very carefully started to turn its pages. The paper was completely yellowed and clearly very fragile. There were no photographs, only hand done drawings of various items and also what looked like people, but with strange and uncanny faces. There were also other frightening images that Dream was trying not to look at.

Killer eventually stopped and ran his finger across a page.

"ah ha" he said "to summon a spirit into the living world"

He read over the text for a moment, as Dream watched impatiently. Killer knitted his non-existent eyebrows and narrowed his eyes.

"this stuff sounds overly complicated to me..... so I guess I'm not sure really"

But Dream didn't really seem to be playing much attention to Killer's words now. He was so desperately trying to read the text upside-down. Reading was something that Dream always struggled with anyway, so reading upside down would be near impossible. He reached forward to try and pull the book to him.

But he jumped back in surprise as Killer slapped his hand across the book, sending some dust into the air.

"now now now not so hasty Lil Light" he said returning back to a sweet tone, as he said the a pet name that made Dream's toes curl.

In his haste Dream had forgotten that this was a shop, not a library, so of course he wouldn't just hand it over.

The smaller skeleton knew that the book was probably pricey so it's not like Killer would just let him have it. It was clearly very old and Dream worried that he wouldn't have enough for it, but if he had to pay all the money he had to buy it. He would.

Reaching inside of his pocket, Dream pulled out a bundle of paper money and placed it on the counter and next to the book. Killer looked at it for a moment, before he took it and counted how much money was in the bundle. He ran his fingers across the notes, looking as if he was very tempted and contemplating his next move.

But then, much to Dream's disappointment, he put it back down on the counter.

"I don't want your money dream... That's not what I meant"

An unhappy wine left Dream's mouth, as Killer proceeded to hand his money back to him. Just as he was about to ask why, Killer cut him off.

"it's not for sale"

"but what if I just borro-

"or for rent or loan"

Dreams soul twisted. This felt so Incredibly unfair. He wasn't ever one to really get angry or feel hatred for people. But why had Killer gotten this book down if he didn't intend to sell it? Was he just trying to mess with him?

It was that moment that he wasn't sure he really liked Killer all that much.

He sighed.

"h-how come? Can I do anything to change your mind?"

Killer sadly shook his head.

"Dream....... I like to read the stuff for research purposes not for a practical use"

Dream opened his mouth to object, but killer silenced him.

"and I don't care what you say... but I don't think you're just interested in the topic"

Dream tried very hard not to show disappointment on his face, but of course Killer picked up on it. It upset him that his intentions were so easy to guess. Then again he'd opened with 'can you bring people back from the dead'.

He really should have asked in a different way. Feeling like an idiot, he tried to say that he wasn't intending to use the book in practice. But Killer once again shook his head.

He stood up slightly and gave Dream a sympathetic look, or a sympathetic as he could make it through his cold eyes.

"look....I know you miss him and that's ok I've lost people myself to" he said in a uncharacteristically gentle tone, which sounded fake. 

Dream looked at his feet.

"but the dead need to be left dead. Trying to bring them back never ends well, Nightmare wouldn't want you to get hurt trying to help him"

Dreams eyes stayed fixed on the floor, not wanting to look at killer any longer. He didn't want him to see him cry. He didn't want to look like a baby. Just as he was going to try arguing again, behind him he heard the shop door open and the bell ring

He looked back at Killer seeing he'd straightened up.

"K-killer...." came a soft but slightly panicked voice.

Curiously, Dream looked over his shoulder at the source of the voice. It was another skeleton stood by the door.

In all his life, Dream had never seen someone look to tired. They seem to be slightly younger then Dreams age but it was hard to tell how much. Their appearance was clearly young, but the huge bags under their eyes aged their face several years. The most notable thing about them was that their eye lights where small, indicating that they were on edge.

They were wearing a oversized cream knitted sweater and had a maroon scarf decorated with a paw print pattern tide around their neck. They fiddled with it as their eyes a looked at Killer and then to Dream.

From where he was, Dream could also see them wearing several of the necklaces and charms that Killer a sold, as well as a few layers of bandages around their arms.

Killer hastily exited from behind the counter and approached them.

"Hey Cappuccino......." he said, trying again to sound soft.

Ccino wasted no time in burying his head to Killers chest and wrapping his arms around him.

In response, Killer stumbled slightly and looked momentarily taken back and very uncomfortable. After a moment he sigh, before gently placing an hand on his back.

"hey.....it's ok ya wimp... I'm guessing they're back right?"

Ccino simply nodded, Killer sighed.

"Dream can you show yourself out? I've got to take care of this, we're closing anyway. I'm sorry I couldn't help you better"

As Killer attempted to comfort the shaking skeleton, Dream turned his attention back to the book in front of him. It was just within his reach, the page was tantalising.

It was so clear, a set instructions of the exact thing he'd need to do to reach his goal. 

Killer's warning played in his mind. 

But he knew what he was doing right? It was his brother, what did Killer really know about what Nightmare would have wanted. He didn't know how.... Close... They were. At least he thought he knew.

It was a split second choice.

As Killer continued to try and comfort his companion, he saw Dream hastily exit the shop without saying another word. He stared at the door.

It didn't feel right. 

He narrowed his eyes and stepped back from Ccino slightly.

"hang on"

He walked back to the counter and was relieved to see that the book was still there, however a moment later he noticed something else that make him freeze and curse under his breath.

"what's wrong?" Ccino asked, walking up next to him.

Killer didn't answer and instead picked up his book and looked at it closely to confirm what he saw. When he saw he was right, he near growled.

"Killer?" Ccino asked not seeing the problem.

"look....."Killer said quietly.

He ran his finger down the spine where the pages joined together. Once you looked closely you could see the remnants of torn paper sticking out.

"he took the page"

references coming soon.

[mysticpetals]

Farewell, sunshine

𝙋𝙖𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜: Jake × f!mc (Syianne)

𝙂𝙚𝙣𝙧𝙚: angst, a sprinkle of fluff

𝙒𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩: 4.9k (oof)

𝙎𝙪𝙢𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙮: All Jake ever wanted was to find his sister and protect the person who had helped him more than anyone. Only, he slowly began to realise that bringing Syianne into this had caused more harm than good.

𝙒𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨: mentions of blood, physical attack, violence, hospitals, medical coma, panic attack.

𝙋𝙧𝙤𝙢𝙥𝙩𝙨: Anonymous asked: 5. “Wake up! Please wake up.” MC and Jake finally get to meet for the first time, but everything is heavily dipped in angst. 😂 Also I adore your writing and keep up the good work!

Anonymous asked: Can you give us the most angsty jealous filled over protective short with Jake x MC i want all the ANGST to be seeping out of my screen

@mnrangera asked: Here's a nice angsty scenario for you: MC is in Duskwood continuing their investigation but is caught out in town after dark. They are on the phone with Jake when they are attacked by the Man Without a Face like Jessie was.

𝙉𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙨: I know this has been LOOOOONG overdue and I apologise for the wait. Thank you to all my followers for being patient, especially those who sent the requests in. I hope the long wait is worth it and you enjoy it. Also, please read the warnings before proceeding, I don't want any of you to be triggered by something I wrote. There may be inaccuracies in how I progressed medical conditions and general working of the hospitals so I apologise for that. Please do not repost or translate this fic anywhere else!! I'm literally begging you, please don't ruin my hard work like this. I would love if I could get some sort of feedback, whether it be reblogs or comments or just anon asks. I've tried to improve my writing and I hope it shows a little in this. This is my Christmas and New Year present all wrapped in one! I hope you all have a great 2021 <3

It was a cold, winter evening with the sky painted in a plethora of warm colors and Jake felt like finally things were going his way.

He, along with Syianne, had been working tirelessly for the past few weeks to find out what happened to Hannah. They had faced a lot of challenges along the way, with cryptic diary entries and threats directed towards them and their loved ones, but still, they'd prevailed and spent every ounce of free time, getting more information about Hannah's perpetrator.

They finally had the facts about what happened the day she was kidnapped and only the identity of the criminal was hidden. Syianne had suggested that she should go to Duskwood to try and find the last puzzle piece, to which Jake had been a little apprehensive. She argued that the rest of the group had already been through enough, with getting stalked and receiving threats and insisted that she should be the one to carry out her search in secret.

She never once asked for him to come along because she knew how dangerous it would be for him and she didn't want him to get caught. Jake was instantly warmed by the thought that someone cared so much about him, to think of his well being first.

So that night, as she called him to update him on her findings and plan after she went to Duskwood, he found himself speaking his thoughts impulsively.

"What if I came too?"

There was silence on the other end and Jake thought he might have overstepped or made it weird but she answered before he could stammer an apology.

"I'd like that. But only if you're comfortable and safe."

She told him to ruminate on it for a while and bid him goodnight. Jake thought about whether it was a logical thing to do. If Syianne planned to go undercover, he couldn't very well let her go into the lion's den alone. So he made up his mind and texted Syianne to let her know.

Jake [10:46 pm]

I'll come to Duskwood too.

Is it okay if we don't meet straight away?

I...I don't think I'm ready yet.

Syianne [10:47 pm]

I was lowkey hoping you'd say that ahaha

And of course! Take as much time as you need :)

That night, he slept with a smile on his face, excitement churning in his stomach.

⊱⋅ ──────────── ⋅⊰

Syianne was looking forward to her trip to Duskwood.

She knew it was a potentially dangerous situation and she was only going there to investigate but knowing that Jake might be there too, sent a spark of thrill through her body. They had been speaking non-stop for the past few weeks and she really liked talking to him. His answers to questions about him or his life were adorably confusing and Syianne realized that she really wanted to get to know him, be his friend or possibly something more, if their flirty banter was anything to go by.

Her bag contained all the essentials she could need, along with a sketchbook and pencils to use in case of boredom. She couldn't leave Matrix with any of her friends as they were either busy or allergic to cats so her only option was to take her along.

She had never booked a flight so fast. Knowing she would have to take a car from the airport to the rest of the way to Duskwood did nothing to damper her excitement. She couldn't wait to meet everyone once they found Hannah, some more so than the others.

The trip was nothing eventful, just a lot of travelling and it made Syianne a little tired but the idea of meeting her friends and finally putting a stop to all this madness, made her keep going. She wouldn't admit it if you asked her but she was looking forward to possibly seeing Jake as well. She knew he might not be comfortable enough to meet her yet and she completely respected that, but the thought still lingered.

She checked in to the only hotel Duskwood had, not meeting the receptionist's - Lilly's - eyes and was eternally grateful that she had only leaked her number and not her photo in that video. It would have been much more difficult to move about Duskwood, if that were the case.

The room they had was pretty basic, but not too bad for a few nights. Matrix prowled around the room, getting herself comfortable in the new environment while Syianne slowly unpacked the few clothes and necessities she brought.

In the corner of her mind, there was the thought that Jake might be staying at this hotel too and that sent a shiver of excitement down her spine. But she was a woman of her word and would wait until Jake was ready and would not try to look for him.

She had a mission here and she wanted to be damn sure that that's what she would be focusing on and save Hannah.

⊱⋅ ──────────── ⋅⊰

Jake was supposed to be in Duskwood about two nights ago.

He had encountered some issues with removing his tracks from the internet, as well as trying to find a safe way to drive to Duskwood without exposing himself. Working as a hacker did have some benefits and finally he managed to find a guy who made him three fake number plates that he would interchange every once in a while, so his whereabouts couldn't be traced.

He had let Syianne know of the unexpected delay but to his surprise, she was enjoying herself in Duskwood. She had told him that Jessy gave her a virtual tour of the town once and she was excited to explore all those places in person. She talked to him at night, describing the beauty of the small town and Jake felt himself growing wistful, wondering what they could do together if he had been there. But then again, hadn't he said that he wouldn't show himself right now? He was cautious - just as he had been all his life - but something about Syianne just made him want to let his guard down, to just be selfish for once.

He had no time to think further on it because finally, all the preparations and precautionary measures were done and he could drive to Duskwood. He couldn't leave Glitch at home because he had attachment issues and couldn't go without Jake for a long period of time. So he ushered him into his carrier and told him he could claw all the wood he wanted when they reached their destination and Glitch meowed in agreement. He had always been a smart cat, after all.

Changing the number plates every hour was exhausting, especially when he didn't do much manual work but he endured it, if it meant he was one step closer to finding his sister.

When he finally reached Duskwood, he was in awe of how normal it looked, how silent; how someone who didn't know that a girl had been kidnapped would think of this place as the perfect getaway. But he knew better, didn't he? This town held dark secrets, secrets that people weren't willing to acknowledge and he was going to expose them for what they were, no matter what it took.

Signing into the Duskwood hotel was as awkward as he imagined it to be, his half sister having no idea who he was and looking at his dark, baggy clothes suspiciously. He wasn't blaming her, he would have probably done the same if a strange man came out of nowhere to stay in Duskwood of all places. Lilly gave him a tight smile as he picked up his bag and key and made way to his room.

Syianne had texted him earlier that day that she would be checking out the lake in the evening, where Jessy was attacked. Jake was against it from the start but he should have known how stubborn she could be and eventually, he had to agree but only on the condition that she stays on video call with him the whole time. Syianne was evidently bewildered by his request, judging by the way she kept writing and erasing her reply but after a while, she managed to ask if he would be comfortable with that. Jake's heart warmed at her considerate words, never really having anyone who would care about his emotions, he was always surprised when Syianne said something like that. He replied that he would just turn off his camera or point it at the lamp or something but he had to be sure about her safety.

And that's why, he was sitting with his phone in front of him in the evening, camera turned off as he watched her fondly, pointing out the strange birds she saw.

"Ah, I wish you were here! The lake is so pretty this time and the light from sunset is reflecting off the water and it makes an amazing view," she said, voice breathy with the exertion of walking for a while and a tone of awe towards the scene in front of her.

"That's sufficient sightseeing, don't you think?" Her voice suddenly took a serious note and Jake straightened up in his chair. He was afraid but couldn't say anything. He had already agreed to let her go with a condition and he feared if he asked her to not investigate, she would probably end the call and keep looking for clues by herself. At least on the phone, he could look at her surroundings and made sure no one sneaked up on her.

"If you say so," he said half-heartedly, glancing at the surroundings behind her as she narrowed her eyes at his dismissive tone.

The next twenty minutes were spent with Syianne looking around the lake and Jake looking over her shoulder virtually. She had scouted the edge and went a little deeper into the forest, looking for a car, a boat, a mask - anything, really - but the search had proved to be futile so far. Everything was as peaceful as ever, no signs of any disturbance and it made Jake a little antsy. Nothing was ever this perfect.

"Well, since we can't find anything here, I think you should come back. It's getting late," Jake said, looking at the already darkened sky. It was an ominous red color and Jake was getting more and more worried as people left the lakeside.

Syianne frowned but didn't argue and that made him sigh in relief.

"Yeah, you're right. No use trying to find something that isn't there," she said and started walking again.

"Wait, you walked here? Didn't you bring your car?" Jake asked and she shook her head.

"Nope, I wanted to enjoy Duskwood and being in a car wouldn't have helped," she smiled at the camera and Jake let out an almost inaudible sigh. Why couldn't she care about her safety a little more? She was going to give him grey hair before he reached his thirties, that was for sure.

As he began to reply to her, he caught movement from the left side of the screen and instantly grabbed his phone, expanding the background.

There was a silhouette of a hand.

"Syianne, run!" He shouted, as the figure's arm came into view and she looked back in surprise before starting to sprint, the camera shaking from her movements.

Jake scrambled to get his car keys, not bothering with what he was wearing and ran towards the hotel parking, getting into his car and connecting the GPS to his phone, all the while listening to Syianne's panting breaths as she ran away from the man without a face.

Getting her location was no problem for him and he just hoped he would arrive there on time.

"Jake, I'm scared. I'm hiding behind a big building and I think he went on ahead," she whispered, voice shaky and trembling and Jake's hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as he glanced over at his phone to watch her looking around herself in a panic.

Five more minutes and he would reach her location. Jake had never been more thankful that Duskwood was a small town and the hotel wasn't so far away from the lake.

"I'm coming, Syianne. Just a little while more and we'll go back together."

"Okay, I think I'm safe for now," she said. There was a sound of slow careful footsteps as Syianne came out from behind the building.

The abrupt sound of a gasp almost made him lose control of the steering wheel and he increased his speed as he heard what sounded like a scuffle. Syianne had probably dropped her phone because it only showed the dark sky and sounds of her struggling against her attacker.

"No! Let–"

Jake let out a harsh breath, jaw tightening as he heard Syianne's scream. He drove straight for a bit and turned the next corner and saw the man trying once again to restrain her. His eyes saw red and he honked and honked like it was nobody's business, speeding towards them.

The man without a face seemed to have realised that someone was coming to help as he pushed Syianne roughly into the wall and ran away towards the forest. As much as Jake wanted to go after him, Syianne was his first priority and he quickly got out of the car, dashing towards her crumpled form, lying on the ground.

He fumbled with his phone, calling the local police and asking for an ambulance, his body shaking all the while, as he knelt down next to Syianne.

He felt tears welling in her eyes as he looked at her battered form and realised that she was bleeding.

"Syianne?" He spoke in a scared voice.

"Syianne!" He said more forcefully, repeatedly patting her face in hope she'll look at him but her eyes were still glassy and unfocused as if she couldn't comprehend anything.

"I'm...so sorry. I…" her voice trailed off as she struggled to breathe and Jake cried, seeing her in so much pain, when he couldn't do anything except wait for the ambulance to arrive.

After a moment, Syianne's eyes fluttered closed and Jake's panic rose to new heights.

"No, no, no! Wake up! Please wake up!" He shouted and begged but she didn't respond to his calls.

His hand was soaked in her blood from where he was applying pressure on the wound at her side. The blood hadn't stopped flowing and Jake was worried that she was losing too much, too soon.

"What do I do? What do I do?" He muttered to himself, adrenaline coursing through his veins, with only one thought in his head – to save her.

He heard sirens in the distance and was relieved to know that help was coming. He pushed up the fallen hood of his jacket up on his head and looked at Syianne for any signs of consciousness. Her breaths were shallow and eyes still closed.

Soon enough, paramedics rushed to the scene and immediately started tending to Syianne's wounds. Jake felt as if he was just a spectator, not being able to do anything but watch. Someone came up to him and started asking him questions, about how he found her, who he was to her and if he knew anything about the attack. He answered all the questions as carefully as he could, giving a fake name, because he still wasn't sure if the police department was in league with the kidnapper or not.

As soon as he was done with the questioning, a paramedic approached him, letting him know that they were taking Syianne to the hospital and he would have to come there for a bit of paperwork. Jake hesitated and said he'd drive there in his own car and the paramedic nodded in response and left.

He got in his car and put his head in his hands, shaking at the unfortunate turn of events. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Syianne was just going to check out the lake and then surprise her friends the next day by telling them she'd be here for a few days and enjoy Duskwood together.

Jake was even thinking of meeting her in person and telling her that she had changed his life for the better. But his cowardice, his meticulous nature to not let anyone know who he was or where he was might have cost Syianne her life tonight. Even thinking about it had tears pooling in his eyes and he took a deep breath to bite back the sobs that were threatening to break once again.

He felt guilty, so so guilty and couldn't bring himself to start the car. He was pretty sure that if – no when – Syianne woke up, she would want nothing to do with the man who put her life in danger. With that thought rooted in his mind, he opened his phone and with trembling hands, sent Jessy a text about Syianne's accident. He received a reply almost immediately.

Jessy [8:46 pm]

What?

How did she come here?

You know what? If she's not okay, I'm going to hunt you down and make you pay.

Jake had no trouble believing she was telling the truth. All he wanted to do was help and now everything was falling apart. Taking a deep but shaky breath, he started the car but instead of going to the hospital, he turned towards the hotel.

⊱⋅ ──────────── ⋅⊰

Jessy had no trouble believing that the hacker was telling the truth. His texts were frantic and he practically begged her to go to the hospital to see Syianne. She had no idea how she got here, but hearing that she got attacked, just like she was, was enough to make her worry and drive to the hospital, after letting Cleo know. She figured that the rest of them deserved to know too.

She rushed to the front desk, breathless and worried, and one of the nurses told Jessy that the doctors were with Syianne and she'd have to wait until they were done to know how she was.

After some time of relentless pacing, Cleo arrived and Jessy filled her in on everything that the hacker told her, which wasn't much, but it gave them a good idea of what had happened. Cleo said that she hadn't told anyone else yet and that they should do so as soon as the doctors had an update on Syianne's condition.

About an hour later, a nurse came upto Jessy and Cleo, asking if they knew Syianne and upon their confirmation, led them to the room she was kept in. They weren't allowed to enter yet as the doctors were still in the room, but Jessy gasped when she saw Syianne's scratched up face, with bandages covering her head.

"Oh my gosh." Cleo breathed and Jessy felt a rush of sorrow as she averted her eyes.

The doctors after completing their examination, told them that Syianne was stabbed in the side but luckily it didn't puncture anything important and they closed up the wound to allow it to heal. What was more concerning, was the fact that she was hit on the back of her head.

"She most likely suffered from a concussion, in which case, it is of the utmost importance that the patient doesn't fall asleep," the doctor said and Jessy and Cleo looked at each other uneasily.

"But Syianne fell asleep…" Jessy began and the doctor gave her an apologetic smile.

"That's right. She was unconscious when she was brought here. The superficial wounds are taken care of, we just don't know when she'll wake up."

Both of them were too stunned to say anything and a call for the doctor from one of the nurses broke them out of their stupor.

"So, she's in a coma?" Cleo asked.

The doctor hesitated before answering.

"Essentially, yes. But we can't know for sure without further observation. If the injury isn't severe she'll wake up soon, we just have to monitor her constantly and look for any changes." He then walked off when his pager went off, most likely to see another patient.

"Don't worry, Jessy. She'll wake up soon," Cleo said, placing a hand on her shoulder, as they looked into Syianne's room, seeing her sleeping peacefully, as if nothing was wrong and she was just taking a nap.

⊱⋅ ──────────── ⋅⊰

As soon as she got home from the hospital, Jessy sent out a row of furious texts to the hacker, clouded by her anger and hopelessness. In her head, it was all his fault that Syianne was twittering between life and death. He was the one who asked her to come to Duskwood without letting any of them know, which caused her to be in such a terrible condition.

Everything was crumbling.

They were a tight knit group, always there for each other but when did it turn into a nightmare, Jessy didn't know. Emotion overtook her and she suddenly collapsed against the wall, keeping a hand on her mouth to muffle her sobs, and cried.

She cried for Hannah, who she had no idea whether she was alive or not. She cried for Syianne, who had become such a great friend to her. Most importantly, she cried for her relationship with everyone, that was slowly but surely, withering away.

⊱⋅ ──────────── ⋅⊰

Jake had been pacing in his hotel room ever since getting back, waiting on a word from Jessy. Glitch watched him with big eyes, as he stubbed his on the bedside and cursed. Sighing in defeat, Jake realised that it won't do any good to worry himself to death, but that didn't mean that his mind didn't drift off to the earlier scene.

Syianne lying on the ground. Blood pooled around her.

He shook his head in frustration, trying to get that image out of his head but to no success. Glitch, sensing that something was wrong, strolled towards him, rubbing and purring against his legs. Jake softened at seeing his efforts to calm him and he picked Glitch up, moving to lay down on the bed. He petted him, smiling at the way the cat burrowed himself further against Jake, curling his tail around his wrist.

After a few peaceful moments of cuddling, Jake's phone lit up with a text, which had him scrambling to grab it from the bedside. Glitch meowed in protest but Jake was too wound up to notice.

Jessy [10:25 pm]

She's in a coma

They don't know when she'll wake up

Jake felt all breath leave him as he read Jessy's text. He didn't know what to think, what to do, what he could do. Jessy didn't give him a chance to respond.

Jessy [10:26 pm]

Don't contact any of us ever again

I don't want to find Hannah this way…which leads to everyone else getting hurt

Please leave Syianne out of this

Saying her mind, Jessy went offline again. Jake took a shaky breath, trying to ground himself. Syianne might never make up.

No, he told himself.

He couldn't think like that. He knew she'd wake up, it might take a little time but she will. Because if she didn't, Jake wouldn't be able to live with himself.

He got another text from Lilly, saying she was sorry that it happened but he couldn't bring himself to write back. His mind was empty, body numb to everything around him and he was cursing himself for being so careless.

If he hadn't been so selfish, if only he didn't put all of this on her, if he had just reached on time, if, if, if.

That's all he thought of, as tears continuously trailed down his cheeks, an arm covering his eyes, the only thing on his mind being Syianne, just as it had been ever since he started talking to her.

⊱⋅ ──────────── ⋅⊰

The next day, Jake found himself holding a large flower bouquet and walking to Duskwood hospital's reception. He was trembling, scared out of his mind but he just had to see Syianne. So, he had braved his anxiety and was now standing in front of the receptionist, who looked at the abnormally large bouquet in his hands and raised an eyebrow. He cleared his throat.

"I'm here to see Syianne King, she was admitted here yesterday."

The receptionist's gaze sharpened as she looked him over and he partially hid behind the flowers.

"Only family members are allowed to visit," she spoke slowly and Jake bit his lip in frustration.

"I'm her fiance," he said and before the surprised receptionist could say anything, he continued, "I drove here as soon as I got the call but they wouldn't tell me what happened. Only that Syianne had been in an accident and I needed to get here as soon as I could and I—" he cut himself off, shuffling nervously and wiping away the tears that had managed to escape from his eyes.

The receptionist softened, seeing his genuine sorrow and care for his fiance and warmed her voice.

"Of course, I'm sorry for what happened. She's in room 309, third floor. The elevator is down the hall," she pointed and Jake thanked her profusely before walking ahead.

Him being Syianne's fiance might have been fake but everything he had felt was the truth and he felt overwhelmed now that he was here. Should he see her? Did he even deserve to see her after he put her in danger? Thoughts like this plagued his mind all the way to Syianne's room and they only stopped when he saw '309' written in bold letters on a grey coloured door.

His breath stuttered in his chest. He was second guessing his presence in the hospital, thinking whether he shouldn't have come. He stood in front of the door for about ten minutes, contemplating but when the nurses started giving him suspicious looks, he swallowed thickly and with shaky hands, opened the door.

Nothing could have prepared him for the utter despair and helplessness he felt, as he saw Syianne's motionless form on the bed, breathing as if she was just sleeping and would wake up any minute. But he knew that wasn't the truth.

She was here and it was his fault.

For the longest time, he just sat on a chair beside her bed and just looked at her. His eyes traced every injury, every bruise that was visible and he felt sick, blaming himself for letting it happen. She was still sleeping and suddenly, it just got too much.

There was too much light, too much beeping, the walls were too white, the flowers in his hands digging into his skin and he got up hastily, dropping the bouquet and backed into the furthest corner of the room.

His breath was coming in short bursts, it hurt to breath, to think, to stay upright—!

His legs gave from under him and he slid down, back against the wall, shaking hands coming up to wipe the wetness on his face.

He didn't even realise he had been crying.

His vision was a blur of dark shapes and in a distinct corner of his head that was still sane, he thought of what Syianne would have done had she been awake. He was sure she would kneel down in front of him and take his hands, running her thumbs against the back of his hands to calm him.

'Breathe slowly, Jake. Deep breaths with me, come on,' he heard her in his head and tried to slow down, breathing harshly at first but after a few minutes, his vision cleared and his breathing stabled to an acceptable rate.

His whole body shook with the sheer suddenness of the panic attack and he slowly tried to get up, holding onto the wall as a support as his gaze, once again, landed on the bed and it's occupant.

All at once, his head cleared and he knew what to do.

Snatching a sheet of paper from the notepad lying near her chart, Jake penned his thoughts, all his anguish, and his apologies on it. Not once did his hand shake as he wrote the note and not once did his mind waver from the decision he had made. At last, when he had said everything he wanted to, he put the pen down and glanced at Syianne's peaceful face.

His throat closed up but he swallowed once to make sure he didn't cry. No, Jake had no time for tears. It was his fault that this happened in the first place, so it was his responsibility that he would make it right.

He didn't know when she would wake but whenever it might be, Jake had everything he wanted to say, already written for her.

He bent down towards her and placed the softest of kisses against her forehead, knowing that it would be the only time he would ever get to do it.

She did not open her eyes and Jake stepped back with a miniscule tilt of his lips.

Yes, he would make everything right.

[loudestcloud]

Time for Luffy's fashion exam! Now, I'll be honest, I did skip an outfit because I decided I will be ending this whole thing with the Strawhat fashion show in Episode of Luffy. Also, sorry for the posting gap, I remembered I have other unfinished post sets. That being said, this is a very long one so let's do this!

Kid Luffy, Post-Enies Lobby & Fish-Man Island: I think it's super cute when Luffy has white t shirts with red based logos because it reminds me of the first picture. Makes him look baby plus, they can always be found in cute domestic EPs or fun, cute flashbacks. The shorts change over time and that's also kinda cute, a range of cuffs is a nice change up. It's nice to see the red contrast the blue shorts and the white is a nice color on him cos it contrast his hair!

Romance Dawn, Enies Lobby, Thriller Bark, Sabaody Archipelago, Amazon Lily, Marineford & last Dressrosa outfit: This look is the pre Luffy look. It's the pre Timeskip look everyone thinks of is cuffed shorts, Kimono sandels and sleeveless vest (and Strawhat, obviously) but have you ever seen them all in a line? It's mad. Each outfit is the same basic look bit more are more spicy each time! I like the Thriller Bark and Sabaody Archipelago looks a little bit more cos it's nice to see that jacket open and it feels like he was trying something new. I also feel that the buttons on the jacket look like the ones on Shanks' pegged ankle sailor pants when we first see him so that's cool. (it took me hours to find the name for his trousers, oh my fucking god) The last Dressrosa outfit feels like a nice callback to the rest of the line up here without being too much cos it's just a red vest top instead and I do find it funny it's like the Enies Lobby and it's used in Dressrosa because of the jokes people make about Robin and Law being so similar.

Timeskip: This is it lads, it's the one true icon itself, the post look! ☺️ When I sit back and look at it I see all the people this look is influenced by and want to cry at how masterful it really is. (Now, I do wanna say that I didn't come up with this nor am I the first to say it and I am definitely probably looking too much into this but) The yellow belt is taken from Shanks' red belt the first time we see him and the Shanks look Luffy is more familiar with. Now onto the jacket. I know it won't stand out as to why for most but it's Ace inspired! When Ace leave to become a pirate, the start of his adventure, he has his jacket open and Luffy having his jacket open also shows his scar from the ending of Ace's adventure. I also really appreciate how no one hides scars in this anime. Also, someone said that the style of the jacket and it's fancy frills could be in reference to Sabo's little jabot collar and honestly I do see it. it's quite subtle unlike Shanks' but not as hard to catch as Ace's so I enjoy thinking that it's there too. Lastly, he still has his cuffed shorts and kimono sandels because it's still Luffy's outfit at the end of the day and he is still who is is, just with a stronger appreciation of what people have done for him now. It's also his colour pallette for the pure fact he is the main character n needs his pallet. also sometimes he just has normal wooden sandels but the same outfit sometimes, it's a small detil a lot of people overlook but I prefer the sound of his Kimono sandels 😊

Dressrosa: I love this outfit cos it's stilly but also has very nice vibes. Looks ready for the beach but is really throwing hands and that's the best kind of outfit, it's a nice expectation subversion tbh. I also like how he tried to hide the Straw hat but not... All of it? And I love how the crew didn't actually question it either. It would have been super easy for one of them to just tell him to leave it behind or something but I do really love how respectful they always are of the hat. I myself have a hat that's super important to me and when I loose it I go mad.

Whole Cake Island: I love this arc for outfits! I swear if the actual content of it doesn't kill me, the act looks will 😭 it's all so magical and it knows it is! Like I said before, white is a good color on him as he has black hair but for the same reason, so is black! In this arcs outfit range, the Staw hat seems almost invisible and his outfit gets less and less 'Luffy' as the arc gose on showing this is not about him. He's not the focus of this arc and you can see that in a lot of the outfits thb. I also like the lack of blue and yellow, 2/3 of his colors as Sanji is often associated with those too as we've talked about before. Also, I like the little red strips on the white jacket with the gold buttons, idk why and I think it's nice that the last 2 outfits are so simple in general, it's a nice look for him. oh, what's that? A Pink jabot? Your killing me Lu, straight up killing me here lil' bro! Side note, is this the first time in canon Luffy has worn a suit jacket or is it the only time I've noticed? Cos DAMM!! Shits sick as fuck and I actually love that when wearing a suit jacket as such he always keep short on 😆

Spa Island, Z's Ambition & Strong World: WHOS READY FOR A RELAXING SUNNY DAAAYY!? (pun not intended but very much enjoyed) I actually adore the fact Luffy still tries to go swimming cos it was his favourite thing to do as a kid so like fuck Luffy is gonna give up on that. He's got his safety measures ready, what more do you want from him? I mean I personally want him not to swim with his hat on cos it's litrally Staw and that's not good for water but anyway Z's Ambition, am I right!? The top is so fucking cute and I just noticed those shorts are also ✨designer✨ fancy man!! Now, the pic of Zoro is the one I missed out before and it's also from Z's Ambition. I love that Luffy has the shark top but Zoro has the ocean shorts. I really love Zoro in this purple cos and thick white stripes really work with the ocean waves. It's really well put together and hes got dark brown sandels on to off set all the white but keep the purple from being a stand out color, it's cool! Than the last Luffy looks like he's at a fashion show. It looks like the shorts come from a kids set the shark top belongs to. Imagine those together, it'd be so cute. However, it isn't an ocean patten, those are clouds cos Nami has a bikini top with the same pattern in Skypiea and it's actually one of my favourites for her.

Boss Luffy Historical Special! This filler AU is so much fun, I think any it a lot. He has his hair up in that super cute and useless way that doesn't actually do much but I do have my hair like that a lot n it's just... nice? Idk, it's strange buy I like he did that. I really enjoy his Kimono more that the actual Wano one cos it's a lot more simple look. The Sai being tucked in in that way is also cool but kinda makes it look like it's stabbing him a bit 👁️👄👁️. I like the pin strips being like a faded purpleish cos if you just glance at it, it makes it look it fuzzy. The belt also looks very nice with the middle ligter bit. It really feels like the Wano one was inspired by this is a way cos of the color matches. Like, it's probably not but still.

3D2Y, Adventure of Nebulandia 😍 & Heart of Gold: Hat-less Luffy is both a sin and a blessing. Regardless, I LOVE OP BOYS IN HOODIES!! I had to show you this specific the 3D2Y because we don't see the hood and it's soooo cute cos it a paw 😍 but also 😬 cos it's like... Kuma's paw the thing that cause 3D2Y in the first place. But that's also why it's so cool at the same time and AHHHHHH 😄 Now! On to Nebulandia! I really like this movie but also in canon, how does he have that jumper? Who made it for him and can I have one? It's Usopp flag design so I guess it could be him but he doesn't seem the type. Point is I want one. Last of this set is some really cosy outfits!! "How much fur?" "Yes" am I right? Like the first one is sooooo cosy with all the fur! Plus, a funky new bamboo hat, always a good thing to have a new hat. I appreciate that you can see the zips on these too. Then the orange turtle neck one with little fluffy bits is just here cos it's so out of his usual looks, I had to at least mention it.

Strong world & Film Z: The shorts on the first one are really cute cos it's a light rosey pink with red fur and just a plain solid dark blue colour jacket works really well. Not to mention the fact he has a super cute orange and yellow flight helmet hat with goggles on under the Staw hat. The 2 bag straps also make an X which is a nice detail. The 2nd outfits in this movie are super fuckin cool ngl. It's so strange to see them all dress in black and have guns but I like the red shirt for him with the yellow highlighted parts. Makes the Straw hat actually work with the outfit instead of ignoring it. Film Z brings us the same flight helmet hat just brighter and without the goggles but also opens with this T-Shirt and Luffy being silly with it. I think that's the only reason to mention it, it's funny. Then the obligation pirate outfit, always stunning plus the meat belt.

Film: Gold & Stampede (also used in Cidre Guild): these are my top 3 Luffy outfits no matter what else I see. I love the straw cowboy hat sooooo much cos it's very Luffy. I like the balls they has as a team to choose white for all of them, considering they are all quite messy people, living for that dad shirt and I like the Golden chain around his neck but am always confused as to why it was never used against him. Like dude could and should have tried to choke him at least once, right? Anyway, the dress! Now, the dress isn't actually that good but it's my favourite because it shows how Luffy has no fucks about gendered things. On to of that, a big pink flower is wonderful and look at his confidences in it, he's so proud of it the boom, Nami told him he can't wear it! Lastly, the Stampede outfit!!! Just like the Nebulandia jumper, I have no idea who made it but it's irrelevant cos it's beautiful and I want it so badly. I like that it's white and red stripes, gives thenprefect vibes for Stampedes opening. The shirt is actually too big for him, you can see on his arms but it's actually super cute. I love the simple look of these shorts then the fact his yellow belt is replaced with white bandages and the black on the kimono sandels are now red? It's such a simple pallet and it's truly the best!

I also just wanna add, I think it's really cute when Luffy has the Straw hat on his back just cos his hair is really cute. Idk why, it's looks kinda cursed but cute at the same time

This post took 2 weeks or so to make and we made listening to the complete BNHA soundtrack, film gold OST and Sonic generations vol.1

Sanji

Zoro

Nami

[thunder-mountain-railroad]

Not Much Changes / Everything Changes

Reflection

When I first had my awakening or somewhat of an understand that I was codependent and it had affected pretty much my whole life - I thought everything would change.

Maybe that's because when you're codependent your relationships are your everything. My self worth was, and still is measured by my value that I provide in my relationships. I knew that my relationships and how I would see myself would change, but things for me really haven't changed that much in my day to day. I do feel better in general.

As I've been processing everything and coming to terms with things, I think I was a little dramatic in my first post. It was just such a shock and a revelation and Eureka! moment that I thought my world would turn upside down and I wouldn't know myself, and that I would change dramatically and my relationships would change dramatically. I don't think that is the case.

I've realized that I do have some social anxiety which is actually very understandable. Its understandable because if you thought your very worth depended on what people thought of you and if they liked you, then yeah - every interaction with even your oldest friend to a new work acquaintance would be stressful. However, this is much better with the new "don't give a fuck and say what you feel like" methodology.

I do think I been aware of some sort of self for awhile now. Yes it has been repressed. Yes I have put others before myself to my own detriment. Listening and being true to myself is something I have done before, but not entirely enough. So I am somewhat familiar with who I am, and the person that I am in reality. I think this part of recovery will be somewhat easier than others.

I've been practicing just not caring what other people think, or maybe caring about other people in general as an exercise. Being 100% selfish with interactions, saying what I want, and just existing without tripping over how I'm holding myself or being perceived. I respect and listen to each and every feeling that comes into my being and feel it, evaluate it and express it. Even communicate it if it's necessary.

Mindfullness

Mindfullness has helped me in this regard. I've practiced meditation in the past to some degree. By all means not at a pro level but I have made an effort before to practice. Actually every time I'm in the gym sauna I try to meditate for 10 minutes or so.

Each and every thought that comes to mind in my interactions must be analyzed. Is my initial reaction to rescue and fix? Is it a codependent reaction? If so, acknowledge the thought and let it slip away.

When clearing my mind of thoughts, I imagine a dark scene. I give the thought physical representation of basically burnt ash. Just like when Thanos snaps his fingers and half the universe disappears - I do that with my thoughts and imagine them turning to ash and being blown away by a soft wind from my consciousness. This helps me to acknowledge the thought and let it slip away.

The Work

When I first had my revelation I had probably 48 hours of a strange calm and peaceful feeling. That feeling has somewhat dissipated. I'm noticing as the shock and exhilaration of the discovery is aging, old thoughts and habits and behaviors are creeping back into the norm. I think the one issue that will be the hardest is the "Task Master" self criticism that I inherently have in my subconscious. Always pushing myself. Never satisfied. Never stopping to smell the roses. Never stopping to enjoy the moment. Never acknowledging that I'm a human and have limits. Never congratulating myself.

I believe this is where the work comes in. It will be work to change behavior. I'm excited and ready, already making improvements.

My wife finds my post

My wife and I were discussing my therapy and things, as she knows I am reading Codependent No More. I've told her that I'm going through some stuff and it will be a little difficult for awhile etc. I started to explain to her what it means, we got interrupted and I said, "Actually you're a smart girl, do some research on it if your interested"

She couldn't sleep the next night and indeed did some research. She is indeed a smart girl. She found my post on reddit, couldn't believe how much it sounded like me and put it all together. When she told me "I saw your reddit post", I was in shock, I said "No way!" I really wasn't even going to post it to reddit, with my username, on the forum but I felt compelled to. Initially I fought to not feel guilt and shame. There was internal conflict because I knew the content would be hurtful but it as true content and what I wrote.

She was understandably somewhat hurt and anxious from the post. Because of the revelations, and her basically loving someone who isn't themselves and is questioning every relationship and interaction they have ever had, including the relationship with her.

We had a good conversation in the Home Depot parking lot, which is where it came up. We sat in the car for about 20 minutes discussing everything. Initially I felt guilty and somewhat ashamed because I never intended for her to read these things. And now, with hindsight, I feel I was being a bit dramatic in my writing. I fought to not feel ashamed of how I was feeling in the post. I fought to not feel guilty for me causing her to hurt, from reading how I was feeling. It was very difficult. I also fought to not rescue, and tell her everything would be ok, because really I don't know.

What I told her, and what I do know - is that nothing in all my reflections and thinking has told me that I need to leave her. I believe this is true, and am very fortunate that is the case.

Will it change? Possibly. I have to be true to my thoughts, feelings and instincts. I have to tell that little shit "Task Master" inside that I'm human and have needs and limits and can only do so much. I have to tell them that I'm good enough, and what I've done it good enough. I have to love and respect my new sense of self. I have to be selfish in the noblest way.

[post-hoc-fallacy]

SEX

Alright got your attention. So if ya suck at wanting to sex or can sex pretty good once you get into it but just never think about this supposed pinnacle of human enjoyment untill you do, ive got a revelation for ya. Im usually pretty skeptical about "self help" books and junk but said eh why not and stumbled upon Dr. Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are and bought that shit.

Alright hear me out, I'm not done the book yet (like half way through) but it reads like a text book with some fun nerd references and if my college lvl psych class says anything, her research seems to be science based and sound. But I didn't even explain anything did I? Well, instead of 10 ways to satisfy your partner, Dr. Nagoski goes into the science and psychology of why people like myself (who never spontaneously want sex except for hormone going crazy time of the month) are perfectly normal and why we function the way we do. I hate when people plug crap like this, but with Dr. Nagoskis book, it felt like reading a biology or psychology book which I love just straight facts and no bullcrap. Some of the language she uses can be kinda "how do you do fellow kids" but for the most part it seems like part of the marketing and her just wanting to be relatable to people like myself (late 20 somethings), and just wanting to appeal to the widest range of people possible (also completely understandable since she usually teaches college kids).

Anywho, at the very least, her methodology and research seems sound to my very limited scope of psychology and resonates deeply with an insecurity I've had for at least a decase now. so at the very least I wanted to get a conversation started or plant some seeds in peoples mind weather this post gets reblogged or not. Dr. Nagoski's basic message (from what Ive read so far) is that no matter how much or how little you want sex, you are normal. No matter how your bits are rearranged, or colored, or shaped, you are normal. We're all made up of the same stuff, just organized differently and that is normal.

For many this might be beasic stuff, butbfor me it was revolutionary, that I'm not the only person who doesn't think sex is an end all be all, but isn't exactly asexual. I mean I still enjoy it in my own time, but I wanted to start a conversation, and even if I reach one of my followers, I've done my part. You're not alone, you're normal, there's nothing wrong with you and I love you and feel like you do too.

So here's a link to Dr. Nagoski's opening chapter of her books Come As You Are. It has the dumb "kinda looks like vag but is just a (insert innocuous object here) cover that marketing a book requires, but I assure you the facts and psychology is sound. Some words may be trying to hard to sound relevant, but if you look beyond that the messge of an accomplished, well educated, well established sex researcher is there.

https://medium.com/@enagoski/pleasure-is-the-measure-d8c5a2dff33f

If you're like me, and sex just isnt that sexy, im there for ya. I feel and respect ya. I'm married to boot and working my way through but there is hopefully a way out for those of us who want to work towards it.

[uppastthejelliclemoon]

I've read your newsies AU, and I really like what you have so far, but I wanna ask about the siren AU you mentioned, that sounds really interesting. I don't have any specific questions other than just the basic "who's who" sort of thing, so could you just detail your thoughts for it? lol

hello dear! i’m so happy you’re enjoying my newsies AU!

For the siren AU, it was basically born (as most of my AUs are) from a conversation between myself and the lovely @queen-with-the-quill!

We had done an RP that featured a mermaid!Tumblebrutus and Mungojerrie and pirate!Hestia and Jubilee, and wanted to switch it up.

I love being able to write Tumblebrutus and Mungojerrie (and I’ll be writing more of them in my upcoming chapters for my AUs), and I’m very much a sucker for a good “creatures who are spoken of as terrifying are actually soft and loving” trope. 

I kind of got part of my inspiration from the entire storyline of Philip and Syrena from “On Stranger Tides” (one of my favorite relationships from the PotC franchise!), and how Syrena is said to be a horrible, murderous creature, but she’s actually quite kind and protective of those she cares about. That’s very much how I see Hestia and Jubilee in this AU: they're still creatures with fangs, claws, and a bewitching voice, but they don’t hurt those they love, and as long as they aren’t in danger, they’re quite nice. 

One of the main points of the AU is Tumblebrutus and Mungojerrie finding out that Hestia and Jubilee are sirens. They met the girls on land as humans, and the girls didn’t reveal themselves as a protective measure. When they are revealed, Tumblebrutus and Mungojerrie are both conflicted, because of the stories they’ve heard, but knowing the girls like they do, they begin to realize that the stories are wrong.

I can’t wait to actually be able to write this AU!

(if you’d like to read through our original mermaid/pirate AU RP, head to my main RP blog for Hestia: @hestia-the-hearth-cat!)

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

i am very much enjoying my vague void! it's currently blasting hozier at full volume and that's almost louder than my internal screaming (don't worry, everything is fine, i just saw a spider)

i've never once in my life have followed a recipe correctly. all of my measurements are completely random and whatever happens happens. it is no longer in my hands. whatever eldritch entities exist take the wheel. and i absolutely refuse to spell anything in english without autocorrect because y'all have way too many double letters and random vowel placement

thank you! sadly, i won't have a break right now, because we just had christmas vacations, but the start of the new semester is always pretty chill. and you're absolutely right, i should take up necromancy! the snow and the cold will add to my mysterious vibes. i just need to get a big black cape with a hood to complete the aesthetic

i definitely picture everything above 5'6 feet as the same height. 5'7 and 6'2? the exact same thing. no difference here

how is morepork a real bird name. it's just... more pork? but the bird is magnificent. i completely approve of your first order as bird queen, not that you need approval from mere peasants like me, but it's a great order. ohhh salps look really cool, and it does look a lot like it! when you said boob implant i thought of mermaids and them using salps as boob implants but then i realised wait wouldn't jellyfish be better for that? because of their shape? ignoring their little leggies they're quite boob shaped, no? and then i realised that i was thinking about mermaids and alive boob implants... if i had to think it, you have to read it. i'm sorry

i was sold before but now i'm even more sure that i want to hire you. and I'll make sure to have lactose free cheese for the backflips (unless you want the lactose version? i'm not judging). will the biting of ankles cost extra?

that sounds like a brilliant set-up for a horror movie where they kill off all the children one by one. it's absolutely horrifying. if something like that would've happened to me i would've most likely just passed out. whatever happens afterwards is not my problem. and now i really don't want to know what the hell your leg was caught on because that seems like knowledge that would get me killed

ah so you're a fellow dirt eater? according to my mom my favourite thing to do outside when i was a little kid used to be eating sand. just shovelling handfuls of it into my mouth and crying when my mom made me spit it out. which i refuse to believe. if there are no photos it didn't happen

you warm climate people are starting to make me think that i'm better adjusted to the cold than i thought i am! it's either that or our buildings are better heated. i definitely don't know if anyone else calls hot water bottled hotties but i like it so from now on i'm using it

that's so cute! i was clearly a way more selfish child because when i found any amount of money i just kept it and bought candy as soon as i could. i clearly couldn't save money then and i can't now. we have stores like that (or i'm assuming that they're like that solely based on how they sell lollies) and they used to be my favourite thing because you could get so many lollies for such a small price!! and my mom even used to let me order for myself sometimes so i always felt like a very big girl jsjshsbsjk

also the fact that i can't send pictures on anon is a crime (yes i know why and it's good that that's not possible because can you imagine anons being able to send pictures? oh no is all i have to say about it) but anyways. because i have this one super cursed photo that reminded me of you and now i can't share it :((

duuuuude, sick void bro. sounds like a vibing void. I feel like I haven’t seen a spider in awhile. Other than daddy long legs. But they’re chill. They mind their own business. 

I nearly always follow recipes exactly. My mum is like oh cook this for about 7 minutes? Yeah sure. I’ll take a wild guess. I’m like they say exactly 7 minutes so I’ll set a timer for 7 minutes and start a stopwatch so if it does seem to need more than 7 I can keep an eye on the extra time and be aware of exactly how long it takes me for next time. Other people are like oh let's see I have [lists 5-10 things in their fridge], hmm...oh I know what I could make with that! I’m like I have beans in my freezer because one recipe required them and no other recipes I know how to make do so what am I supposed to do with these now,,, this is stressful,,, basically I barely know how to cook and recipes are the only things saving me in that area. That is entirely fair. Except for the fuck duck, and murder is not the word you want surely, situations, it’s pretty helpful.

Ohhh I see. At least the start is chill! For a little! Before your entire situation spirals out of hand and you’re behind in every class and it’s taken you a whole day to read 10 pages and you’re exhausted and it’s only week 2. Just me? ok. fair. anyway. I want a cloak so bad. One of my uni friends tempted me to class because she said she was wearing a cloak so my depressed ass honest to god dragged myself out of bed and to said class just to see it. It was worth it. They’re incredible. Everyone should own a big cloak for the aesthetic.

I’m glad it isn’t just me hahaha. I can visualise my own height in feet but everything else is just the same size that is a vague amount taller than me, mentally.

It’s also known as the ruru. But the name morepork amuses me. It’s named after the call it makes haha. It does sound like it’s asking for more pork if you know to listen for that. thank u for ur approval, it means a lot, turns out becoming bird queen didn’t ACTUALLY get rid of my anxiety disorder weirdly enough so validation is great! lmaooo. What if the jellyfish stung them tho? At least salps wouldn’t do you dirty like that. The mermaids would just look like there are hundreds of bugs crawling around in their boobs, flesh shifting as they float around. Which is a vibe. If you’re into that. Jellyfish WOULD make a more solid, single, implant, some of them are definitely boob shaped. But that’s kinda boring no one’s gonna be traumatised by that. Salps on the other hand...yeah, that sight will DEFINITELY traumatise someone.

To be PERFECTLY honest I haven’t done a backflip in years but for lactose-free cheese? Dude. I’ll be going back to training. Gonna be the best backflip you’ve ever seen. As long as it’s not Tasty cheese I am content, but lactose free IS better. The biting of ankles will not cost extra, it is a pleasure to be allowed to do that.

Oh it absolutely would be. It’d be very funny if it reached the wider world bc people would probably be like ok but who would send kids into the bush like that,, it’s an odd concept. meanwhile everyone who grew up in nz is gonna be like y’all, you’re not gonna fuckin BELIEVE what i experienced growing up, it’s real dude. On one hand, I feel like murdering kids in a movie is questionable, on the other hand, It exists, so maybe people would be down for it. I feel like it’d be a good concept even if it wasn’t murdery tho. Like psychological horror? I’m not sure if I’m using that category correctly I don’t watch much horror. A kid following the rope but then being shifted into a different horror dimension but they never take the blindfold off because their teachers said not to and they’d probably have to let go of the rope to do it...I feel like this could work super well as a short film. The viewers see everything. The child just knows something is off and no one is coming when they call for help. I am so down for this. I also do not want to know what my leg was caught on. Some things I am better off not knowing.

yes! I am a fellow dirt eater! We had a sandpit at home (that’s a little bold. It was a large plastic shell that my parents filled with sand. technically a sandpit. but not fancy sdflsdkfsdf) but I don’t think I ever tried to eat it. Then again, I possibly did and just don’t remember because there’s no photo evidence of that one. I’d have to ask my parents sdfhsjdfs, I would however fully believe them if they said yes. it’s very characteristic of me. I don’t doubt it for a second. muuuum that’s my emotional support sand don’t make me spit it out smh the disrespect these days.

Oh I’m absolutely terrible even by most people’s standards around here when it comes to cold and hot temperatures. I remember sitting in the sun in my school shirt and school jersey in summer on a blazing day like it’s a bit chilly, isn’t it? Meanwhile my friends were in the shade absolutely dying from the heat. Likewise in winter I’d be shivering, teeth chattering, dying with my long sleeve thermal, my school shirt, my school jersey, my school jacket, my longs, warm socks and sneakers and gloves and school scarf while ppl would be walking around in a shirt and shorts like it’s a bit warm this winter huh? my body didn’t learn how to thermoregulate and it shows. But yeah NZ does also have a reputation for shittily insulated buildings and such. It shows. skhdfsfs if it’s not common use maybe don’t say can i have a hotty to someone without context but otherwise go ahead lmao. it’s a fun shortened version.

I was typically a very good saver, to the point where my extended family started gifting me gift cards and vouchers for Christmas and my birthday because if they just gave me money I’d put it in my bank account to save towards uni once I hit like, 12 years old. Which I think was a smart move. But apparently, I’m supposed to buy myself ‘something nice’ with it. I think I’m still an okay saver but I’m not as strict anymore. I’m aware of how much I can spare and I’m not just like you can never get anything for yourself ever, so I do get lil things for myself sometimes. oooo yay! At least you know what I mean. But yes. They were the gold mine for lollies. Absolutely terrific stores. My mum would be like hey lindsey how about you order? And I’d be like mother, I am 7 years old and I have an undiagnosed anxiety disorder everyone assumes is child shyness why would you think I would want to do that. Instead I will whisper my choices to you. After therapy tho I felt pretty rad for picking my own lollies by myself. I was like 13 at that point but sdfkjhsdf listen I got there in the end.

sdfkjsdfkjhsdf I like that a cursed photo reminded you of me. That’s all I need to hear. Tumblr said no anon dick pics but they also said no anon cursed photos either,,, very sad. for the latter part. the first part thank god. If I could turn on photos on anon I absolutely would just to see this but I don’t think I can :(