#That living life simply is okay to do
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I adore how Tatsuya Endo writes his characters, especially the women. They can be warm, soft, cute, cool, tough, scary... all, if not most, of his ladies in Spy x Family are equally wonderful in their own way, both in character design and personality.
#I haven't felt this passionate about an ongoing series in a while#I still need to finish the anime and see the movie and I'm reading the manga... but yeah#I'm glad I have found something to be passionate about again... especially Franky?#Like... okay so... I feel like I always fall for sometimes princes or leader type characters or a character with a remarkable power#But Franky is... just a simple man in his mid-thirties#I love his design and kind personality towards Anya and his playful side when teasing Loid#And I get so upset over his past and I really hope that he can achieve happiness#Like#I've come to a point in my life that I don't need anything grand to happen#That living life simply is okay to do#And Spy x Family is kinda... helping me with that? Like it's motivating#Back in college I wanted to become a great children's author; I still can. I would love to write a book about my dragon characters#But right now... I am okay with being a DSP and becoming a future cat lady#Spy x Family
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It is wild how you can go like 18 years of your life and simply not know what it's like to click with other people. Not to say it isn't worthwhile to try and form friendships with others regardless of whether you feel that immediate spark of connection. But man. It's something different to feel like other people understand you. And once you've experienced it so much about the world makes SENSE it's crazy
#the first time i was genuinely into someone who was also into me felt like this too. i was like ohhh hang on#y'all are doing this because you LIKE doing it. okay. got it makes sense#but the craziest thing is before that point you'll like convince yourself you are simply insane#you will be there trying to live your life and do normal activities like why does this SUCK. but there's no reason for it to suck.#so i guess it really doesn't. so i guess this feeling is the normal feeling. unrelated why am i hiding behind a coke machine
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Will Zoro leave Luffy after they achieve their dreams? Not likely
Saying Zoro's gonna voluntarily leave Luffy at the end of OP so he can "live his own life" (i.e. get married, open a dojo, hang out in bars) is so wild to me. That's like saying Luffy's gonna give up adventuring so he can sit around and gorge himself on meat
First of all, it ignores that Zoro genuinely enjoys traveling with Luffy. Luffy (who's always getting into trouble) gives Zoro the chance to be his best self. And Zoro (who very much wants to be his best self) will always seize that chance with both hands
Second, both characters are like...the poster children of wanting to have their cake and eat it too. If you're Luffy or Zoro, you rarely need to make either/or choices. That's what makes them unique. It's why they've both got conqueror's haki! Basically: If Zoro wants to drink until he blacks out? If he wants to nap all day? Hell, if he wants to get lost in a paper bag?? He is like a big cat. He will do what he wants, wherever he is. He doesn't need to leave Luffy to get those things LOL
Third, Luffy's made it clear the Pirate King needs no less than the Greatest Swordsman by his side. Why would that suddenly stop once they've both achieved their dreams? Is Luffy going to quit being Pirate King? Why would he? Luffy wants to be the most free in the world, so he can live the life he wants...with the people he wants to live it with
In other words, Luffy isn't letting Zoro go without a fight — not unless Luffy genuinely feels he's no longer the type of man Zoro would want to travel with. And wouldn't that be the worst ending for both of them?
#monkey d. luffy#roronoa zoro#one piece#text post#my meta#zolu#tho just kind of??#keep seeing this take on different platforms and I simply do not understand where it comes from#Whyyyyy would Zoro or Luffy want anything else#when they WORK SO HARD to keep everything they need right beside them?#imo it's very telling that Luffy's response to someone potentially getting married is:#“Great! They can bring their spouse on board!”#I imagine he'd feel the same about children or anything else his crew may want.#Nobody needs to go their separate ways to “live their lives”; not unless the characters' priorities fundamentally change#which happens of course; because people change and that's okay too#AT THE SAME TIME it's so hard to imagine this for characters like Luffy and Zoro#who unapologetically live life on their own terms#are very open about what they want as soon as we meet them#and have ONLY gotten to where they're at because they refuse to make compromises about those things.
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I could go on and on and spiral about a LOT of things relating to NSBU:
The NATURE of the nsbu movie and what THAT could entail and what THAT could mean for the characters in this movie
The way at how everyone in the main cast AND barsimmion follow the themes of the lack of change and stalemate in life
#nsbu spoilers#d20 nsbu#never stop blowing up#im so glad they finally ran into barsimmion bc it essentially means we can see what id like to call. the metaplot#which is essentially. okay so you have nsbu the movie plot. the shadow falcons the santo patron the kingskins group etc.#the metaplot is very simply: everything relating to the lake elsinore gang#anyway cal and i devolved into a half an hour talk about what IS nsbu the movie.#and the idea that potential of. almost self awareness to this fact. bc to these guys all of THIS? is resl to them and theyre living it#it changes in a dime#and they keep going. actions and consequences bay bee#so to have this ever flowing ebb and flow of a lifestyle juxtaposed with these 6 normies who REFUSE to do anything more with their life.#or rather might be too scared to consider what could happen if they take the first step or cant emotionally do it. whatever the reason.#putting these guys in situations where THEY DO have to act. where they do have to change bc if they dont they WILL LITERALLY DIE#its fun its really fun to think about
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
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I know how it sounds at first, but I really gotta feel bad for the boys that sacrificed edwin; I mean even the term “sacrificed edwin” paints them in a more sinister light than they really deserve– considering that wasn’t really, actually their intention.
they were bullies, they were homophobic (and/or were self loathing gay boys themselves taking it out on edwin, or were equally likely peer pressured into acting a certain way), they planned something stupid and mean to do to an innocent, anxious boy with the goal of scaring the shit out of him, all because he was effeminate and an easy target. but they didn’t know or expect any of the ritual stuff to be real. they were all laughing and joking during the ritual because it was just that to them– a joke. a cruel joke, but a joke.
teenagers can be mean and stupid and they usually regret it as adults and grow out of it / grow from it. they were stifled the chance to grow out of it, at least while alive. none of those boys deserved to be instakilled and sent to hell; they’re really not that much less deserving than edwin himself. they were all just kids, after all.
#random thought but. yeah……#I mean think about if crystal happened to be killed somehow pre-demonic intervention#she would’ve been deemed deserving of hell by the standards we’ve seen. no doubt about it. if the dragon guys were pulled to hell then yeah.#she would be as well. simply put- she was a bully#she was also a teenager. not a fully developed person. a very damaged and neglected teenager at that#it’s kinda like the criminal justice system right. it’s like. hey you really think sending them to be tormented is the most humane and#efficient way to heal these kids of what makes them act out and allow them to grow and improve?#Crystal’s such a good case to look at because she’s. well. to compare to The Good Place which you can probably already tell I’ve watched 800#times and adore with all my heart. she’s kinda the michael of the group#no one knows it at first but she’s actually kind of a terror to people most of the time. but she’s put in a situation where she#suddenly has a support system- people who care about her and want the best for her- she’s given a purpose and realizes how much better it is#to use her powers to help rather than hurt (well. sometimes helping can involve hurting but you get it)#and by the time she’s regained her memories and has a place in the agency it’s much easier to reflect on her life and be like huh!#this system kinda fucking sucks!#not that edwin wasn’t an example unto himself but he was a ‘clerical error’ not a ‘rightfully’ condemned person#with his situation someone could argue that the problem isn’t with the system being wack as a whole- it should just be maintained better so#these ‘errors’ don’t happen and all the good kids go to their afterlives and the Bad Evil Kids go to hell.#yes yes I know they’re not in hell forever (hopefully) but uhh Simon was still there for over a century and for fucking What?#gay self-loathing and catholic guilt? his intentions were clearly not Truly Evil and more than anything he seems to have been punished using#how much he hated himself for being gay and how guilty he felt for it all. like shit aren’t those feelings enough of a punishment? if he had#lived through that ritual and edwin hadn’t– do you think he would’ve been Okay? I think it would’ve crushed him. chronically#man. anyway#this was an especially long ramble huh#rambling#edwin#edwin payne#dead boy detectives
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every time you draw joe you get his face so spot on!!!! i love when you draw him!!!
Thank you!! I adore him, I'm in love with him, I say this all the time but he is The Most Beautiful Man In The World. Let's all look at him together. Look at the plains of his face. The silhouette of him. His eyelashes, nose, lips, hair. He's godly why is he so beautiful.
#joe if you need another family i GOTCHU#not wrecking your family but simply promoting you to another one bc youre such a good husband and father so you get 2#im in love love love with this man if i could marry him i would in a heart beat and id live such a happy life#everyone go listen to joes podcast and jerk off about him thats an order itll do your heart good#watch an interview where he smiles and your troubles will be healed#boa hancock isnt real but joe trohman is#i need to be kissinf him#id let this man come inside me for several years#lockin it doen woth him#lord his nose aughhhh#okay hahahahahahhaha these are my feelings about joe in case you were wondering#thank you for the vedy very high praise bc if my drawings have captured a flraction of the feelings i have for him then we've come xloser to#depicting divinity itself#joe#yall bringing me joy#yall being kind about my art#not art#ask#anon#i cant believe there was a time i didnt know who joe was#yall introduced me to him isnt that funny
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Me, six-ish hours ago: Yeah, I had the idea for an Avatar Suiren AU pretty much as long as Suiren herself existed, but idk if I'm ever gonna develop it, it's really hard to upkeep interest for it on my own...
Me, as soon as the concept of Suiren and Vaatu bullying Raava together popped into my head while I was typing out that long ass post: Fuck it, new strain of brain fungus acquired–
(Also yeah traditional art being posted for the first time since... 2020, probably. Don't have the spoons to transfer this to digital rn, maybe I will at some point and I'll do a fuckass Spirit World background or smth. We'll see)
First time drawing Vaatu so don't make fun of me, but honestly he's such a funky little guy and rather fun to draw. You just get that main shape down and then go nuts with the frills :) But also, credit where credit is due, scrolling through the Vaatu tag on @shadelorde’s blog really helped, so thank you for that 😊 And I really had no idea what to do with Suiren’s design here, I think I’ve used up all my character design juices on the nine previous iterations of her that exist, so for now she’s in a random dress with her hair down. I’ll probably alter it if I ever do a proper design for her in this verse
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original character#sotrl suiren#vaatu#avatar suiren au#I spent so long typing out tags for this post and tumblr fucking deleted them…#I’m going to go bite into a wall istg#I don’t have the energy to rewrite all of them so… quick summary#this takes place immediately after Suiren frees Vaatu during harmonic convergence#he briefly went all big and then shrunk so he could get a better look at her#while all this is going on Raava is screaming very loudly inside Suiren#Suiren is beyond caring. either Raava shuts up or she gets out. no other option#the avatar becomes balanced by fusing with Vaatu too or the avatar ceases to exist and suiren gets to live a normal life#spoiler alert: Raava does shut up but not for long#Suiren begins regretting her life decisions as soon as the two start arguing inside her#I’m pretty much stealing all the lore Kat came up with in bonded and adumbration lmao. hi Kat#oh also like 10 minutes before this Suiren killed Unalaq#his spiritfucker ass wouldn’t let her get to Vaatu that easily. but let’s be real he stood no chance against her#it’s fine though no one liked him anyway#honestly she did everyone a huge favour#anyway. yes Vaatu does have a tendril wrapped around her shoulders. bc it’s cute okay#damn Suiren how come Nia lets you be the weird lesbian daughter to TWO evil dads??#(yes I’m aware neither Vaatu nor Ghazan are evil. I’m trying to joke here but it’s almost 10 a.m and I can’t think anymore#simply everything is hilarious now)#what else did this used to say…#oh right. nia stop making LoK antagonists obsessed with your OC challenge#the Red Lotus are her parents. Kuvira is in love with her. now she’s being all buddy buddy with Vaatu#only one that’s missing is Amon bc I genuinely do not care for him lmao
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I wish to be part of something so badly but my boringness and fear of creating bonds stop me from joining anything
#like friend groups or meetups or clubs or making friends or talking in groupchats#I cannot stress it enough when I say i'm boring#i've got /nothing/ to say 95% of the time#because i'm simply uninterested or i've got nothing “funny” or important to add into conversations#i'm friendly and polite for the sake of socialization because I don't know what else to talk about other than small talk and apparently#from what i've seen online and shit ; people hate small talk so what do I do then??#it never passes the small talk friendly stage so i'm always that 'friendly acquaintance who's just there'#is it me not knowing how to socialize properly or am I just overly introverted#istg people underestimate just how uninteresting I can be and it makes me feel bad towards my friends (or mutuals) I have because#what if they think I don't like them. what if they think i'm purposefully avoiding them. or what if they think I don't see them as a friend#i'm overly awkward and it kills me#i've gotten so used to my life with only 4-5 close people which consists of my mom; my cousin; and like. three close friends#that i'm struggling to keep contact with because 1) they live away from me and 2) I suck at texting on social media and reaching out#idk. I wish I were more interesting so my life would be more interesting#okay whatever now.#my silly little worries#sorry this turned into a rant/vent no one asked for; i'm just in my head this morning :/#// vent#// rant
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hot takes
#fanart is just so abysmally boring#even the best fan art I have ever seen in my life is simply just okay in terms of the grand scheme of things#YES I get it but its still just lame im sorry#also I should be allowed to live for like $30 or something#moodboarding is actually fun#wandering aimlessly on my bike at night is what I'm meant to do#god its grim
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Why are all the Christian encouragement blogs so weirdly sanitized?
Where's my fellow unhinged brothers and sisters in Christ downing aspirin and cussing their way through the book of Job because FUCK man his "friend" really just said that?! What a DICK!
#christian#bible study#life stuff#pulling out lined paper and making myself write lines#I will not cuss from the pulpit I will not cuss from the pulpit I will not cuss from the pulpit I will not#okay but do you guys ever actually READ what's going on here? almost every Book of the Bible deals with gritty people#living through some of the hardest shit imagineable#and the character of God being unshakeably Good in all of that is just this incredibly stark contrast that#I simply cannot comprehend comign away from this with the level of milquetoast philisophicizing deflection that I keep seeing on my dash#and in my church#and no being worked up emotionally is not the same thing as having a strong conviction#aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgh#doesn't mean I'm not also worked up though
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it's rlly fun how my parents just straight up. do not care. about the disordered eating. we had all this talk back when i went through a big suicidal crisis a couple months ago, i explained what was really difficult for me, eating socially, restaurants, not choosing my food, etc, and now it's like. okay it didn't exist actually.
mother i am not going to order you around, either you accept that i'm gonna have difficulty dealing with "normal people behavior" or whatnot and you stop looking at me like :/ anytime i am anything but ecstatic at the idea of eating anything anytime anyhow, or you adapt your behavior to avoid the results you don't like to see. i'm only doing my best to handle things from my side, and i am certainly not going to try measuring for you how important family social eating occurences are to you.
#''we should talk abt it uwu'' WE TALKED ABOUT IT. STOP COMPLAINING THAT DOING STUFF THAT I CAN'T EASILY HANDLE MAKES ME WEIRD.#EITHER YOU ASSUME IT'S GOING TO MAKE ME WEIRD BECAUSE YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW AND WHY#OR YOU STOP DOING IT IF IT'S SO UWU HEARTBREAKING UWU FOR YOU TO WATCH#i'm not happy about how guilty i am too of that specific brand of ''oh this is so sad *continues doing nothing*'' form of ''compassion''#they just want me to perform anorexia recovery for them#so they can feel okay we're doing a good job at raising a normal child#they don't give a shit as long as the compusive eating is my mom's meal at the dinner table#just like they didnt care when i had roughly the same problems but not as bad before i had a restrictive phase#i cannot compromise because then WHAT im just hurting my parents for a situation that doesnt make me any happier either?#i do not want to live with them. i do not want to go place or do activities with them.#i dont want to talk to them most of the time and im perfectly willing to handle the times it could be cool to.#but it's really hard to start developping a life of your own when you first of all need like two weeks of total life-reset#quiet at home#and ''at home'' there's your parents who will simply not stop trying to pull you into going random bullshit places#and i can't say no. because the places ARE interesting and time-limited. and it makes them happy. and what am i gonna do anyway?#keep doing nothing on the computer and wait for them to come back to keep doing only the shittiest parts of this unsatisfactory routine?#try to do some work in the house or go out. for them to see that something happened?#i dont know how to live like a normal person#literally not once in my life have i been able to think ''oh i need to do X'' and then just. do X. prepare what's necessary for doing X.#go out and do X. i have to keep stuck at this computer or in this room or with this book.#because there is a million different obstacles to every single thing i'm trying to achieve and half of them are parents-shaped.#everything hurts holy shit#broadcasting my misery#vent#ed tw
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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one of my roommates just told me they read my comic… holy shit good thing I didn’t make it a thinly veiled story about how much I hate my roommates like I almost did
#I really did not think either of them would ever read it that’s crazy#ok but tbh#Nelly living in the garage while Brutalia lives in a whole ass house is actually lowkey an exaggeration of my life LOL#I literally live in my room because my roommate moved her BF in and they take over the entire apartment while I am sequestered in my room#LOL#i would never do this because it’s simply not like me but sometimes I think about how I could write like the most scathing letter about how#they were the shittiest roommates ever and leave it for them when I go home…#but I won’t because that’s petty#but I could. it would be so beautiful#I won’t though… it will be satisfying enough to delete their numbers when I’m out of this city for good#I JUST HAVE TO SURVIVE UNTIL MAY (graduation)#if anyone’s ever wondering why I’m so annoying all of the time but ESPECIALLY when I go back to college this is why ok it’s because I live#in One Room#I’ve sat on my couch 4 times in the three years I’ve lived here#I become 800 times more normal every time I go home because I’m able to exist in multiple rooms without third-wheeling two fuckheads#GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no it’s okay.
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girls who have all their lives struggled with worthiness and have spent a solid decade convinced that they were undeserving of love fighting desperately to be good enough to be loved in any capacity by anyone at all, constantly failing constantly being left behind, when someone they dearly care for and genuinely trust just Very Casually tells them that they are easy to love
#diary time sorry this is kinda :// im just like. REELING#'damn shocked you into silence' GENUINELY YEAH 😭😭😭#like okay. okay. okay. okay. cool. take a belief ive held onto my entire life and flip it on its head with no effort at all. yeah thats fin#it feels SO silly to say im like Shaky bc of this but i have a whole ass complex built around it ive worked thru sm in therapy for years no#but this is one of the only things left that still (consistently) REALLY fucks me up and that i cant get through my head#and not for lack of trying its a work in progress if u will but. god.#genuinely one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me i think this is going to live with me for the rest of my life#or at least for the next decade#u know when someone says smth or tells u smth and u just Never Forget It like its too meaningful for you to let go of?#whether good or bad?#this is obviously Very Good which is strange in of itself but also holy shit. holy shit. holy shit#and idk i try to surface level be. Like This? silly goofy kind etc? but to hear that from someone who knows me PRETTY damn well#and who i have sm respect for and put sm trust in#like okay. okay. okay .okay. okay. okay. yeah. sure. yeah. mmhmm. alright. cool. okay.yeah. alright.#one million explosions#alyalyoxenfree#cant decide if i want him to see this or not#thats always a weird moment of someone saying something genuinely life-changing and then its like oh shit#do i suddenly dump all this baggage on you for the sole purpose of making you understand how meaningful this is to me#or do i do. Not That. and simply carry on forever changed for the better
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i just cried after doing the dishes because of my paws being in pain and because I feel like I'm being a terrible host because I'm kinda tired of my guests. I love spending time with them, but having to go to work, do my house chores, keep them entertained and fed, is just too much. And I feel like being overwhelmed makes me a horrible host. I didnt tell them anything, I'm trying to seem like I'm not that tired, but just because in my head I'm getting tired of all that, I'm bad. And yes I know that my thoughts don't make me bad, but that doesn't matter because while I know that I still feel like absolute piece of garbage. Because like, how could I even think of that. I'm supposed to be happy about them being here, and I am happy, but I am also constantly in pain and have to do everything around the house and it's just too much
#i feel so guilty for that but sometimes i wish theyd leave early even though they just came here#not because i dont want them to be around#i just dont want to have to do absolutely everything for them#but i have to. theyre my guests#i wish they lived closer so we could meet without all that exhausting bullshit#just. go get a coffee or pizza together every now and then#but since they live across the country they cant visit often so every visit has to matter#and what makes me even more guilty is that im mostly tired of my sister's boyfriend#i like him. but im tired#my sister is my everything and i would kill and die for her. she can do whatever she wants#but also she does whatever she wants. if shes hungry or thirsty she knows she can just grab anything she wants from the fridge or whatever#because shes family. she lived with us most of her life. our home is still her home#but her boyfriend is someone new to this place. he lives differently from us simply because he wasnt a part of our family until recently#technically he can do whatever he wants but i know how awkward can it be to rummage in someone elses fridge#and he shouldnt have to clean the place. because hes a guest#so while my sister is just living here for now i have to do everything for him#and because im already making a meal for him why wouldnt i do it for my sister?#i do it anyway when only she is visiting because i love her#you know honestly im just a better host when there's only one guest. its not that overwhelming#okay also im hungry but i cant eat anything bc of various stupid reasons#mostly just. i dont feel comfortable eating around people i don't know thay much#but also i feel like i cant eat anything if i dont give them that thing too. but they already ate something this evening#there wasnt enough of that meal for three people so i just made them food. but now i fant get anything else for myself#without giving them that thing too but theyre not hungry anymore bc they already ate#and I'm just too fucking tired to make anything for everyone#i want to just make myself some toast or sandwich without having to do a million of them#im just generally tired and hungry and overwhelmed and in pain and i feel so guilty for being those things#ough#bee buzz
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