#That bitch is WAY to mentally ill to be raising a kid

[meownzter]

You know, we could’ve had girldad Evan.if Habit didn’t Eat That Thang.

[vampirememory]

quality ✧ do you need to lower or raise your standards? [Love PAC]

Hello! I believe this is my first pick a card of 2024, I hope you appreciate the topic I chose. This is something that I recently had to recognize and deal with myself, so hopefully you find this reading helpful.

Pick a photo or a number one through three and continue reading to find your reading.

One

No, absolutely not. If anything, your standards are too low. You are like me, at least myself a few weeks/months ago when I did not value myself. You need to understand that you are 100% valuable and loved, and that there is nothing that can depreciate your value. You may have been overconsuming readings, questioning as to why you continue getting into toxic relationships or completely lack a relationship and it's because you have a negative sense of self. Listening to self-worth or self concept subliminals may help you. You are worthy of a healthy, happy relationship but you need to be healthy yourself first. Now keep in mind, healthy does not mean without illnesses. I know from my experience with depression, I will never be healthy, but you CAN have a healthy outlook on life and a healthy sense of self, which is what you are looking for. Especially for my mentally ill friends, no one (not here, at least) is expecting you to be 100% healthy but to be as healthy as you can be, if that makes sense.

Two

Girlie, I hate to tell you but your standards are high as fuck. But is that a bad thing? You tell me. To be clear, when I say girlie I am 100% being gender neutral, this reading is for everyone ^-^! You're giving boss bitch energy, but are you actually a boss bitch? One thing about having high standards is that you also need to meet those standards yourself and you need to ask yourself "would someone like that want to date me"? For example, if you're really aiming for a basketball player or the top CEO, are you actually in a mental and physical space where that will happen? Are you out on the courts, networking and integrating yourself into sports environments? Are you working your way up to the top, making connections with higher ups and building a good reputation? I think you may have good standards, but you aren't reaching them yourself or not putting yourself in environments where you'll meet said person. Also make sure you are actually maintaining those standards too. If you think education is important, and you're actively in education and want someone else who is too, why settle for someone who hates education or isn't looking to educate themselves? Things like that make all the difference. If you want to talk the talk, you need to walk the walk too.

Three

This pile gives me much softer vibes than the other two piles. Your standards and romantic requests may be more traditional, you may want the house and the kids and the white picket fence and that's totally fine! I think you're doing well in terms of your standards, you uphold them and you aren't putting yourself in situations where you are with people who are against that dream or against those standards. I do need to warn you, however, that there are a lot of exploitive people out there, especially when it comes to wanting a more traditional homelife. Waiting is a completely fine thing to do. Don't jump at the first person that looks nice and ticks all the boxes because they may be lying. I don't see terrible things happening for you but I feel like I needed to include a warning. Just be careful and you'll get your wishes <3.

Thats all for today my friends! Check out my masterlist for my previous readings and remember to stay safe in this crazy world! Feel free to send asks with any topics you would like to see in the future.

[tododeku-or-bust]

I definitely feel the same way about the spoons thing bc I remember the first time I read the analogy years ago, I was initially like, oh, this is a good way to describe it - except then I noticed that the majority of the time I was seeing it in use, at least on tumblr, it was a certain type of smol bean racist white arguing that they don't have the spoons to not be racist or the spoons to do the bare minimum of caring about people other than themselves in their own heads, but somehow, they always have the spoons to be violently racist and write essays about how much they don't care about other people, so every time I see it now, my hackles get raised bc I expect racist shit to come next.

Also, they never care that POC don't have the spoons to deal with their racism or educate them for free bc they are racist and also think only white people can be disabled, autistic, mentally ill, poor, oppressed, etc.

Period 🤷🏾‍♀️ there are like, maybe two things on here where I fall on the "no actually, I'm just gonna have to be the bitch in this situation" and the spoons thing is one of them.

The chronic stress of dealing with antiblackness is so bad that it has been genetically passed down through generations of Black Americans. It is so ubiquitous that it subtly affects our every decision, we've just grown used to it. But y'all want me to worry about the "spoons" of someone who's actively trying to avoid being held accountable or being asked to at least TRY to do better.

And it does! It always gets brought up when someone's like "oh well I have anxiety I can't care about thing" okay well you weren't concerned about that blogger of color's depression or anxiety when you chose to be racist to them! You weren't concerned about mental health then! That coulda been someone's thirteenth reason, while you think you're "escaping". But as soon as they clap back, suddenly you're the victim in this scenario. Whatever.

If I got on this app and said "sorry, I don't have the spoons to care about white trans rights" on every post every single time another white trans kid was killed, y'all would have me lynched. But we've been seeing some variation of that for Palestinian children for a YEAR. mm. So clearly the spoons are available, just for certain people!

So no, I don't care that you "lack spoons". Grab a fucking fork then lmao. Or admit that you're a willful racist. But I'm tired of the excuses. I'm sorry. Like I said, I'll be the bitch on this one, that's fine. People of color are far past the utensils and y'all expect it of us. Your turn!

[fairytypingg]

fuck it we're doing this

RAGEON HCS!!!!!

Velvet;

19

leo(i think thats what i am, idk a lot abt astrology)

7 minutes older and takes it way too seriously

overplans for everything

screams cries crumbles if she doesn't have 100% control over any situation

plays a lot into appearances but is actually a chronic workaholic(gets it from her uncle)

she and veneer were raaised by their uncle actually!!

velvet has a love hate relationship with the music industry, before and after the events of the movie

TRUST. ISSUES.

cannot ever talk about her feelings she'll explode

bottles everything up like im so serious

"i'll keep all my emotions right here. and then one day, i'll die."

she vents frustration by talking mad shit in cs:go lobbies

she's really good at the game

scary good aim because of it, and that DOES transfer to real life

has 97 mental illnesses and is banned from most public spaces/ref

"i inhereted severe generational trauma and all i got was borderline personality disorder"

someone help her

she needs therapy

also autistic <3

Veneer;

19

also a leo

7 minutes younger but only remembers bcs velvet will not let him forget

he seems chill in comparison because velvet is so high strung but he is the most dramatic bitch ever

says really out of pocket shit without thinking

"yeah that's why your parents dont call you then haha- what why are you looking at me like that what did i say"

he's the epitome of unmedicated adhd

probably needs glasses

the only one of the twins with a drivers license

was very outgoing growing up because velvet hated talking to people, so someone had to do it

doesn't rly understand velvet being depressed and thinks shes a drama queen like him

"im tragically doomed by the narrative" "drink water dumbass"

hes morosexual

"if a man can locate mount rageous on a map that man is not my type"

dumb fucking ass

love him, hes just kinda stupid.

Kid Ritz:

20

idk any other zodiac signs use ur imagination

every personality disorder you can think of

emotional manipulation is a sport and he is bringing home the gold

whats wrong with him

the answer is mommy issues. and rampant childhood neglect. also when you're raised as rich as he was you're gonna come out weird

struggled to understand the concept of lying as a child so when be finally got it he retaliated by lying for sport and then never stopped doing that

prefers machines to people

hes one of those "there is a minimum iq requirement to talk to me" guys

not just a talk show host!!

he's well trained to take over his father's political position when the old man retires

current director of public security

he's known as a purveyor of gossip for a reason

the saying goes that nothing happens in the city without his knowledge

hyperintelligent

like genius iq, reading at a college level by age 5, etc

actual child prodigy in every conceivable way

notorious for being "perfect"

he's the face of Ritzworth Media Corp for a reason

evil genius

also lonely

his father is grossly neglectful and his mother is a deadbeat

did i mention he has mommy issues

never met his mom and has devoted a lot of his energy to forming an intelligence network dedicated to finding her

hates people

like very antisocial

struggles HEAVILY with empathy

his interviews are notoriously difficult since he entertains himself by making his interviewees squirm

casual sadist in every conceivable way

What's Wrong With Him/aff

Orchid;

18

use ur imagination again im not gonna look it up

rebelling against common characterization here stay with me

secretive about her past but obviously hiding something

a chameleon type of person, can change her behavior, mannerisms, and even accent at the drop of a hat

carries a deep grief with her

distrusting and calculating

she'll "befriend" you but it takes a lot of effort to actually gain her trust

she WILL discard you if she's even slightly suspicious

nobody is sure what her goal is, but she has an agenda

orchid might not be her real name either

very mysterious

generally presents as kind and friendly but it's noticibly fake

cannot stress how much she is hiding something

capable of murder and not afraid to resort to such to protect her secret

dont look in her closet

she has participated in her fair share of underage drinking and can hold her liquor pretty well, but if you manage to get her drunk enough you may be able to pry some answers out of her

has a distaste for celebrities she doesn't see as beneficial to know

gives like. really good advice

identity issues <3

the song Phony is perfect for her

she moves as if she's used to her hair being longer than it is

what is she hiding?

[angel-hawthorne]

No, you're seeing the consequences of adults actively choosing to hit children. Every damn time someone bitches and moans about people not being "disciplined", they're quick to blame those who don’t spank for a laundry list of societal ills. Their genius idea is to hit kids even more instead of addressing the root problems. A lot of these youngsters have received a "good ol fashioned beating" once or more than that, and it still didn't do anything.

"I'm not saying you should abuse [children], but..." stop right there, that's exactly what you're suggesting. What exactly do you mean by proper discipline? Or as this person ever so wonderfully puts it "good ol slap on the wrist"? Ah, it's occasionally hitting the young when they say or do things that offends your fragile sensibilities. Adults in positions of power often get away with pulling all manner of fuckshit stunts under the guise of “discipline”. At this point, y'all sound no different from the domineering religious men who think hitting their wives will make them behave aka "Christian Domestic Discipline". Y'all didn't turn out fine at all. Just grew up to be violent bullies and/or enablers.

You hit them once, and it makes you, the adult, feel powerful. Getting that temporary feel-good rush of being in control. That's all it ever does - grant temporary compliance and relief. What will you do then if that one time with the initial amount of physical force doesn't work? Amp up the dosage (pain intensity) until you achieve that same feel-good high? If that keeps up, then these consequences will result: child goes no contact in the future, end up with a # of mental health issues, the child dies from their injuries (or removed from custody if they survive), and the caregiver gets slapped with legal repercussions. No pun intended. In extreme cases, the child will kill their parents/guardians for their own safety when there's no other alternatives.

Funny how it’s only the adults who care about splitting hairs over differences. A child’s brain doesn’t know, nor does it give a shit about “differences” you adults arbitrate. Their brains don’t stop to think “it’s only a smacking, so turn off your fight/flight/fawn/freeze response and halt the cortisol production”.

"Let me tell you, we only did it once." I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but your sample size of 1 anecdote does not trump decades worth of empirical evidence. Correlation doesn't imply causation. Plenty of children got that "one time deal", and they learned to repeat the same behaviors without getting caught. Last time I checked, discipline isn't something you DO to people. Just because you were raised to believe that assault is okay, doesn't mean others feel the same way. I'd recommend looking up survivorship bias and appeal to tradition fallacy.

This non-parent thanks you for coming to my Parenting Opinion Ted Talk.

[lemonmaid]

Yea “I’m not okay” felt like a punch to the gut let mama suguru have his miracle baby please he has enough trauma 🙏😭😪☝🏼

I was NOT in a good headspace for that, I almost ended with Suguru getting a lobotomy. Honestly, I wouldn't mind written a small wip for the non-canon ending for "I am Not okay."

It will be okay

Warnings: male pregnancy, omegaverse, angst, family law/divorce court

A year ago today, Suguru had his breakdown.

A year ago today Suguru and Satoru had a fight, which led them where they are today. Separated but coparenting.

Suguru learned a lot in a year.

Like how it wasn't his fault for the accident, therapy helped him with that.

And it wasn't his fault that he couldn't have a baby. It was Satoru's. Four months after separating, Suguru finally found the courage to go to an OBGYN. He learned that he was fertile, so when he spoke to Satoru while at pick-up. He learned that Satoru had a vasectomy and had been lying to him for y e a r s.

Suguru filed for divorce/bond breaking, but Satoru refused to sign the papers, which led to a long court case of Satoru saying that "Suguru is mentally unwell blah blah blah". Suguru pledged to never ever forgive Satoru for the gaslighting, even if Satoru swears he never had ill intention. The damage is done. His omega literally can not stand the scent Satoru leaves on the kids.

'This is bullshit' .

Suguru was waiting for Satoru at their agreed pick-up spot; trying to keep four pups busy while they wait for their sire to come get them.

"Mom, I don't wanna go" Nanako mumbled.

Suguru had Megumi laying on his chest, scentinh the pup before he leaves, "I know sweatie, it's just for the weekend remember? Then you'll be home Monday. Why don't you go play on the playground?"

Mimiko picked at her fingers, "Dammy, why can't you come home with us?".

Suguru took a deep breath, "Because that's Daddy's home, mommas home is over here now".

Megumi whined, pushing his face deeper into Suguru’s scent gland.

"Hey pups!".

All three pups whined and groaned before latching to Suguru’s side.

"Where's Tsumiki?" Satoru asked.

"She wanted to sleepover at her friends this weekend".

Satoru hummed, "wow already breaking custody agreement-".

Suguru felt his heart dropped, "you know damn well-".

Satoru "hey hey now, not in front of the pups. Anyways, let's go everyone!".

Satoru tried to pull Megumi away from Suguru’s hold. Megumi refused to budge, holding a tight grip on Suguru.

"No!".

Suguru tried to pull Megumi away, "now megs-".

"No! No! No!". Megumi was crying, his grip was locked on Suguru.

"Megs you have to go to your sires-".

"No!".

Satoru huffed, "wow thanks Suguru, I wonder where he learned this now".

Suguru looked at Satoru with wide eyes, "Satoru stop it right now".

☆

"I feel awful".

The sound of the clock ticking and Suguru panicked mumbling was in the room.

"Do you understand why you feel awful?".

Court mandated therapist.

Suguru's lawyer said it would look good on his side to show "improvement" to his mental health and that he was "fit to raise children".

"Gosh, Uraume, you should've seen the way he looked at me when Satoru finally grabbed him. Betrayed... how can he... Jesus... he was already abandoned by his original dam and sire and for Satoru to take him away from my arms... I makes me sick".

Uraume hummed, "you do care about them".

Suguru scoffed, "why wouldn't I? I'm their mother or dam.... they're mine..".

Uraume shuffled to their desk, "I ment to grab this last session". Slipping a paper to Suguru’s chair.

"A flyer to a speed mating? Uraume I'm not-".

"I know. But there will be a lot of single parents.... a lot of them just go for a basic support group aspect, not the dating or mating part".

☆

'This is ridiculous'

Suguru standard in front of a run-down jazz club, or what remains of said structure.

"I think it would be good for you to make connections to those who have been in your shoes, family law is.... a bitch if you'd say".

Suguru rolled his eyes, recounting Uraume's "words of thought". Sighing, Suguru made the decision to walk inside.

Surprisingly, there were a lot of people, soft jazz music was playing in the background, the lights were dimmed. In the front of the door was a table with a name tags, a scent patch and an option red or green wrist bracelet.

A sign that red, 'Red for not looking for a relationship. Green for looking for a relationship'. Suguru could almost smile at the courteous display.

Suguru walked around the small club, grabbing a champagne glass before sitting at a table and watching everyone mingle.

"Do you come here often?".

Suguru's eye widen, the last person he expected to see at speeding mating night, "Nice to see you Sukuna, how's Yuuji?".

Sukuna rolled his eyes, "the little shit can not stop talking about megumi and the sleepover he had the other night".

Suguru smiled, "Well I hope he had a great time".

"You were there?" Sukuna adjusted himself in his seat and pulled out the menu from the corner of the table.

"No. Me and- well, I am trying to separate from Gojo".

Sukuna huffed, "If I knew that I wouldn't have sent Yuuji over there, kinda don't trust pups without a dam or an omega in the house." Snaping his hand a waiter, bringing attention towards the table.

"Do you want anything?"

Suguru hummed, "nothing sweet".

Sukuna smirked, "gotcha babe".

Suguru smiled, taking a sip from his champagne glass, "I would have never thought you'd be the type for a speed mating."

Sukuna smirked before lifting up his wrist, showing the red bracelet, "I come for the support group of it babe".

Suguru smiled, lifting up his wrist, "I guess we had the same idea".

"I guess we did."

The night was going smoothly. Nothing too outrageous that stood out, just two adults enjoying a night of drinking. After the event was done, Sukuna decided to walk Suguru home

Sukuna laughed, "Wow, it sounds like the girls were hard work".

"No kidding, when they first started talking, I swear their first word was 'mine'. Trying to get those two to share made it seem like mission impossible".

Sukuna hummed, "it sounds like you really love those kids".

Suguru smiled at Sukuna before letting out a relaxed sigh, "Yeah.. they are mine".

There was a good quiet pause, not awkward, but quiet, before Sukuna would interrupt the moment, "Can I ask why you and Gojo-".

Suguru rolled his eyes before taking a sip of his drink, "fucker made me believe I couldn't have kids, when in reality, he got a vasectomy without telling anyone".

Sukuna stopped his tracks, mouth agaped, "You're kidding."

"Nope, wish I was".

Now, there was an awkward pause, but instead, it was with a small tone of aggression or disbelief in a way.

"I would offer to be a sperm donor-" Sukuna joked to lighten up the mood.

Suguru laughed before shoving the male.

"But! At least I'm masculine enough to admit that I got my knot tied as soon as possible." Sukuna stopped, "I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that."

"I know, now if that fucker could sign the papers to legally break the bond I could finally feel... free.. in a way. Not in a way to say Gojo was abusive-".

Sukuna stopped the both of them before resting his hands on Suguru’s shoulders, "No, it's fine, I understand."

Suguru raised an eyebrow, "Sukuna, you may be intoxicated, but why are you... being..".

"You remind me a lot of my dam." He quickly stated.

Maybe that's all Suguru needed to hear.

When they arrived at Suguru’s place, Suguru made the decision to let a tipsy Sukuna stay over until the morning.

Sukuna watched as Suguru pulled out the mattress from the couch, grabbing a clean liner and blankets for the alpha.

"Do you have a lawyer?".

"Yeah-"

"A good one? What's the deal?"

Suguru stopped and looked at Sukuna before rubbing his forehead as a stress response, "The only way Gojo is going to break the bond, which he knows I won't understand the circumstances given, I break the bond but that means no custody of any of the pups, no contact. Intensionally, his side is trying to paint me as a "bad dam" for a miscommunication."

Sukauna thought for a moment before pulling out his phone.

"What are you doing".

"Calling my sire's family lawyer. Sounds like classic defamation. "

"Sukuna you don't have to-".

"I can, and I will."

"Why?".

Sukuna took a deep breath, "You really remind me a lot of my Dam."

A/N

04/03 fuck it we making it a series.

Probably one last part which I will continue when I get back from vacation, I have so many drafts.

I can't decide if I want this to include a reader or not, whether it be child reader! Or Suguru just ends up with reader. But also accidentally leaned on Suguru x Sukuna. Accidental, ran out of people.

Ending was kinda rushed that's my bad. Let me know what yall think.

[shouts-into-the-void]

One of my most hated fanfic trends is where that pre-Despair treatment by his classmates is depicted as totally okay and not them being unreasonable. It's especially noticeable in RP blogs or Hinanami fics. They'll often depict his behavior in the second half of Chapter 4 as his default characterization, and have him spend every waking second going after the Reserve Course students and doing nothing else.

Which not only ignores the context of him having been mindwiped, having his first impression of the Reserve Course being the discovery that they apparently destroyed Hope's Peak, and the real source of his anger and depression being the discovery that the class are all terrorists (while being left in the dark about the brainwashing). But it kind of misses the entire point of the whole "talented vs non-talented" theme to have the locally mentally ill kid be the sole cause of the conflict.

Like I'm not against the idea of going against canon, and depicting the rest of the class trying to give him a fair shake. I think there's plenty of friendship interaction potential between him and a number of the class (e.g. Sonia, Imposter, Mahiru, etc.). But to retroactively pretend like they were being completely fair to him and he just brought the ostracism on himself is bullshit.

I think a lot of people also miss the fact that the reason Nagito is so outright antagonistic to Hajime about being a Reserve Course Student is because he feels betrayed. He feels a kinship with Hajime due to their mutual love of Hopes Peak, the two were the closest before everyone turned on him, and he's canonically in love with him. So to find out that Hajime is actually not only talentless, but responsible for destroying the academy they both love and plunging the world into despair?

That's not to say all the rudeness is only because of anger, Nagito's actual personality is actually kind of just like that because he has a God Complex and is more intelligent than all of his peers. Any time he breaks character or looks down on someone, he is kind of a bitch, but more in a "I'm smarter than you, please stop arguing with me when you have no idea what you're talking about" way.

I really do wish people would lean into the potential relationships he has with the rest of the cast more. I don't think there's any way Chisa would have let them keep mistreating him, and I was annoyed that her attempt to explain his actions to the class (which actually did get through to them!) got glossed over in favor of the "Everybody hates Nagito" gag.

Some thoughts on potential relationships:

I personally hc him as besties with Sonia post-canon. Not only because she's the most forgiving, because I feel like the fandom makes her do a lot of emotional labor, but I think they would have similar tastes in novels and I think Sonia's own eccentricities would mean that she isn't as off-put by his weird behavior.

I don't think he would be close with Mahiru, because as much as she's caring and doesn't want him hurt, she's also just very judgemental and I think her tendency to verbally attack people would negatively impact his recovery. I think they would get along, but until she learns how to get past her trauma with her dad and stop letting her friends commit crimes, I think it's at a respectful distance.

While Mikan and Nagito are MLM/WLW Hostility™ I do also think they're friends. They like to bitch at each other, but if anyone dares insult the other they Will Destroy Them. I have always thought of them as working quite closely together during the tragedy for whatever reason, it just seems right in my brain?

I also feel like people miss the wild potential of Nagito just adopting Monica. Like, he raises her from like 10 years old until she's a teenager (I'm assuming she's like 14-15 in the anime?), Monica finally gets someone to actually take care of her instead of abusing and abandoning her, and I'm supposed to believe that they just never speak again? Also Nagito saving and caring for this child after spending his childhood an orphan who was put into dangerous situations a lot is a really great parallel.

I like to think he and Akane do a lot of their recovery at the same time because they're both pretty wasted away by the time they wake up, and they bond little by little. They celebrate when one of them moves up a weight class, but Akane recovers faster so by the end Nagito has to remind her not to break his ribs when she hugs him in joy.

Nekomaru is very helpful in coaching him through his physical recovery due to understanding the limitations of a severe health condition and his experience as a team manager. There's definitely a lot of encouragement on Nekomaru's end because a lot of physical therapy can be embarrassing when things that theoretically should be easy aren't. Basically: Akane, Nekomaru, and Nagito all end up as unlikely gym buddies?

Those are just some of my thoughts and headcanons, absolutely take or leave any of that.

[reine-uls]

if I had a nickel for everytime someone said douma was never wronged in his life, I would actually be able to afford a car

I'm trying so hard not to fight with these tiktok kids

who knew no one there actually knows what "child abuse" or "dehumanizing" means

like you can't be a muzan defender and say douma is the true evil 💀 girl-

I can only rely on Cold Affections during these dark times 😭 I love your fic so much and the way you write douma ❤️‍🩹

take all the time you need n goodluck with your studies <33

Ok. Lemme rant for this. Well it’s not surprising the haters would say that because Douma is a literal sociopath that they assume that he was born as one.

But that’s not true it’s because of how he was raised. People would not care for Douma being abused because it appears that he isn’t, but the truth is, he was abuse and dehumanized. All because of his parents. It was never his fault that he grew up like that. It was the parents. The moment they decided for Douma to be a god figure because of his looks, that’s when you’ll know shit is about to go down. They never treated Douma as a normal human being to begin with.

Especially when the mother killed the father and then the mother kills herself in front of Douma??? Not to mention when he was a child??? Like… did she not consider the idea that a child witnessing all that would traumatized Douma? No. Never. Even though it did not affect Douma that much, but still, they never see Douma as a human since birth. Which is fucked up. And sad.

I see why people view Douma being “pure evil” because he doesn’t feel anything. But he isn’t. Defining pure evil is that you have no sense of morality and mercy. Douma has morality and mercy of a sort because he spent decades “saving” people from tragedy and cruelty of the world. Because he PITIES them, even though he doesn’t feel anything and that he views humans as stupid. He thought eating them and keep them inside of him would be the greatest form of mercy he could offer to his people or anyone he comes across. If he is pure evil, he would NOT stick to his “divine principles” of “saving” people, he wouldn’t be a cult leader to this day if he is pure evil.

Each of the demons have their own struggles and they wouldn’t be the way they are now because of several reasons. Kokushibo wouldn’t be like the way he is because of his father, Douma because of his parents, Akaza because of poverty, Hantegu because of mental illness? I’m not sure, and Daki and Gyutaro because of poverty. Enmu idk… he’s a scammer and a hoe from the train. Rui? I will DEFEND that child. That child is my son.

I can sort of understand… why Muzan is like that because of his illness but brother it’s impossible to defend him to the next track record he did. Like brother did NOT care for anyone but himself. I feel like he has some sort of mercy because he “saves” people like him (Tamayo and Rui) but Muzan is sort of pure evil. Sort of… Man is a douchebag.

The one demon who is pure evil is Gyokko. Like hello? Have you HEARD of his backstory? That’s why I don’t like him. He has this sick sense of fetish of his “art” like he is fascinated with corpse and carcasses in jars. He even killed a child because he’s curious to see his corpse in a jar.

Like… what?

I also don’t like Kaigaku he’s such an asshole… like don’t get me started with that bitch.

[fbfh]

rocks at your window pt. 10 - ricky bowen x reader

disclaimer: this series contains smut and chapter by chapter warnings, so as with all nsfw works, ricky is aged up to 18+!! ricky and reader are 18 and in their senior year

additionally, we're working towards a ricky x therapy plot so he's going to start expressing some symptoms of mental illness and bpd but he does get therapy eventually and has a good support system but he gets worse before he gets better yk. Obviously I'm not a professional and this is for entertainment so while I have done my research pls take this with a grain of salt!! or several!! /lh

!! contains some spoilers for season 1 of hsmtmts, and previous chapters of this fic !!

wc: 10.1k

genre: angst, hurt/comfort, more high highs and a lot of low lows, tooth rotting fluff

pairing: ricky bowen x (afab she/her) reader

warnings: saucy flashbacks, nini and ej are very unprofessional, more fake texts, more coping through the arts, ricky realizes he's a real theatre kid, ricky is simping for you, seb being seb/a good friend/an absolute sweetheart, ricky distancing himself from lynne (slay), spilling tea (after getting permission to do so), conflicted feelings, nini (and ej but mostly nini) ruins the show, three seperate nini pick me moments, reader is about to snap, ricky and reader are mvps, one playful 'babe' from reader to ricky, nini is one delusional bitch!, brief mention of reader's trauma (jumpy at loud noises, flinches when someone raises their voice), ricky and big red are bros, big red has good opinions bc he stans dr phil, minor big red x ashlyn, kourtney and ricky do not get along lol, reader DOES snap, nini is terrible idk how else to rephrase it she's just the worst, nini gets yelled at by both you and ricky (slay), realizations happen, jones BIGASS love confessions and neck kisses.html, flowery descriptions, ricky picks you up briefly, making out, ricky is good with kids and it's adorable, nini is the only one who calls it YAC, theatre kids at denny's jumpscare, mike is a good dad, you wear one of ricky's shirts, saccrine amounts of love declarations, tooth rotting fluff

summary: after the disaster that was act one, act two also finds some way to go unplanned, causing you to be completely fed up with Nini's unprofessional behavior. you turn a night of confrontations around as you realize something and ricky finally gets something important off his chest.

song recs: entr'acte (hands clean) - jagged little pill obc, smiling - jagged little pill obc, what am I to you - rm, you stupid bitch - crazy ex girlfriend cast, first - niki and gabi, for a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic - paramore, I hear a symphony - cody fry, something to believe in - newsies obc, let's go to the movies - annie (1982), sunrise - in the heights obc

a/n: fangz again 2 cici for beta reading, prepz fuk off. I'm watching american horror story murder house so uh. i'll let you know how that goes. it's hilarious so far tbh i love basement babyman. also this is ricky at you

tags @yesv01 @afidiofobia @aliyahsutherland @hopefullhearts @pikzel @demirunner @brinaslittlefreak @girlfriendwhoseawitch @matiere-detoiles @ifilwtmfc @uselesssapphickitten @nxstalgicnxbxdy @ggclarissa @n-slayaaaaa @stormi-ames @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @rainforest-daisies @sunshineangel-reads

You had heard the first part of their argument from your dressing room. After that it was muffled yelling - most of which you hoped was Ricky’s. When Natalie called for places, they were still going at it. You found Miss Jenn as quickly as you could, worried about Ricky, unsure if he was still okay to perform. 

“EJ is already getting ready to go on.” She tells you. It’s the only answer you need for how ugly things got. She ushers everyone to their places, trying her best to squash their questions and speculations of what’s going on. 

“Nothing you need to worry about, just find you places, get in character, get ready for act two…” she instructs. She pulls you aside before you enter the wings. 

“Mr. Mazzara is escorting her out as we speak.” she informs you quietly. 

“Wait, Mr. Mazzara is here?” you ask. She pauses.

“Uh, yes. He’s been… helping run the lights up in the control booth. It was a last minute-” she shakes her head. “It doesn’t matter. The point is, the… shrew is leaving and Mike is on his way back to check on Ricky.” You’re relieved that his dad is here for him - and Miss Jenn. You look around momentarily. 

“Where is he?” you ask. 

“That dusty storage room we shoved the creepy mannequins in.” 

The one with the piano. The one where he helped you come down from a panic attack your first day at the El Rey, and… 

“...So they’re probably going to wait until the show is over, then head home.” You snap out of the onslaught of memories that stirred up at the mention of that storage room, catching the last half of what she said. “You can keep your phone in the wings to stay in touch, just make sure it’s not a distraction.” 

“Okay,” you agree, already feeling it buzzing in your pocket. She nudges you toward the wings as the intro to I Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You starts playing, Nini and EJ’s voices should be floating through the house. 

“Now, go be Sharpay!” she says with a smile, and you start to turn the corner, then pause. 

“Miss Jenn!” you whisper-yell, and she looks back up at you. “Thank you! For everything.” you say sincerely. She places her hands on her chest, smiling, and you finally find your place backstage. 

“Like, full on screaming,” you hear Zeke say to Martha. You try to ignore them, and everyone else talking and whispering. You knew it would spread like wildfire, backstage drama always does. You pull out your phone, blowing up with texts from Ricky and his dad. You keep switching between the two text threads, trying to figure out what happened, to make sure Ricky’s okay. As you type out replies to both him and his dad, you look out onto the stage. Something doesn’t sound right, the gaps between the dialog are too long. 

Your brow furrows, trying to figure out what’s going on. EJ’s hand comes up to his collar and he leans forward. Nina delivers her next line more stilted and awkward and out of character than anything you’ve ever seen. You watch, confusion turning into disbelief as Nina covers her mic with her hand, and whispers something to EJ. Being so close to where they’re standing, you’re able to catch most of what she says - ‘seriously, EJ, where’s Ricky?’, or something to that effect. 

High pitched feedback whines at the disturbance to her mic, and for a moment you think you must have imagined it. There’s no way, no chance in hell she covered her mic with her hand, broke character onstage, and got EJ to break character too. You take a few breaths, reminding yourself that you’re not the director. Miss Jenn will have to deal with that one. Your phone buzzes as you get more texts from Ricky, and you check it again. 

Ricky stares at the little gray box on his screen, letting your words sink in. He still has four shows to perform in. He has more than just tonight to look forward to. All of those shows, every single one of them, is going to go just fine. Even now, through the worst possible nightmare of a thing that could have happened, the show is still continuing; the show must go on. And it will. It is, right in front of his eyes, as he and his dad enter the auditorium, taking two empty seats, Ricky’s right on the aisle. EJ and Nini harmonize, dancing around the stage - like he was supposed to. They finish the last verse of Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You, as the audience applauds. He claps politely as the lights go down. 

He mentally runs through what he would be doing if he were back there with you guys. You’re probably getting ready for the scene at Sharpay’s locker with Zeke, standing center stage in the dark, looking at the prop accessories in the pink locker, while Zeke mentally goes over his lines and blocking in the stage left wing. The lights go up, and he’s right. He knows this whole show inside and out, he realizes, and it makes his chest squeeze. Instead of dwelling on that, he leans forward, watching the scene begin to play out. He realizes suddenly that he gets to actually watch you perform. Not just from the wings or during rehearsals or in a grainy camcorder video, but he gets to watch you live. 

He smiles a little, realizing how special that is. You deliver your lines flawlessly, bringing a chuckle from the audience with your attitude right when you want one. It’s crazy how you play the mean girl so well, when it couldn’t be further from your real personality. He figures you’re just that amazing. You let out a shrill, frustrated scream, then storm off stage with Zeke trailing after you. When the lights go down, he claps loudly, letting out a cheer. He lets out a shaky breath, knowing you’ll be in the next scene, too - you’re probably quick changing for it right now. 

He’s right again, and backstage, you pull on your jacket, relieved to be done a little earlier than usual. It’s probably nerves from everything that happened tonight making you go a little quicker, but you’re not complaining. 

“So,” Seb says quietly next to you, bending over to tug on his heels, “what happened earlier? It sounded bad…” You let out a slow, frustrated sigh. He gets the sense it wasn’t just bad, it was really bad. 

“Just…” you search for the words, “some personal stuff. Family stuff, I guess.” 

“Bad enough for him to leave halfway through the show?” he asks, and you can tell he’s concerned. You pause fixing your belt, looking up to the catwalk and praying for the strength to get through tonight. Seb is one of the sweetest people you’ve ever met, and you know he wouldn’t hurt a fly, but the last thing you need to do is add to the whispers, the desire for someone to spill the tea on what happened during intermission. 

“It’s really not for me to say…” you trail off, glancing at the other groups of castmates waiting to go on and techies listening for their cues. ‘Later’, you mouth to him. You have to go on any minute, and you want to text Ricky about it before you tell anyone anything. It’s really not your place to tell anyone what’s going on in his homelife. You pull out your phone, sending him a quick text that says some of your friends are worried about him, and does he want you to say anything or keep it under wraps for now. You turn your phone on silent and hide it in your bra before making your entrance on time. 

Seb lets out a huff, then follows you off stage as the ensemble runs in from the wings and the music for Wildcat Cheer reprise starts playing. As the ensemble begins dancing, Ricky checks his phone again, seeing a new text from you. ‘What do you want me to say?’ He pauses, staring at the screen. What does he want you to say? Nothing, at first. For a painful, fleeting moment, he wishes none of this had ever happened in the first place, he wishes he didn’t have to keep making up excuses and brushing things off. He doesn’t have to, he realizes. He doesn’t have to keep covering for her, and overcompensating for her shitty decisions. He bites the inside of his cheek, then texts you back. 

Backstage, you return to the stage right wing, ready for your next scene. You check to see if Ricky has texted you back, and he did. ‘Tell them she showed up unannounced and we got in a fight. I’m not trying to make her look good anymore.’ You agree, and a part of you is glad he’s not making himself responsible for his mother’s emotions anymore. When your scene is over, you rush to your dressing room to get ready for Bop to the Top. You have a full costume and hair change, and you need to tweak your makeup a little, so it usually takes you the longest to get ready for. Once you’ve applied enough body glitter to choke a bratz doll, you leave your dressing room, meeting Seb on the way to the wings. 

Most of the cast is onstage right now, so it’s not very crowded backstage where you stand, waiting for the current song to end. Seb moves a little closer to you and lowers his voice.

“I know it’s probably not a good time to ask, but what in the Mount Saint Helens happened with Ricky?” He asks in a hushed, worried tone. You bite back a smile at his turns of phrase, and sigh. You think back to Ricky’s text, how he said he’s done covering for her. 

“His mother showed up…” you say slowly, pausing at the shocked expression on his face. 

“She what?” he exclaims quietly. 

“And she tried to corner Ricky during intermission,” he gasps, and you continue, “and they got into a huge fight.” 

“Oh my god.” he says, thinking back to the yelling he’d heard. 

“Mhm.” you confirm, “Miss Jenn had to kick her out so she wouldn’t cause more of a scene.” 

“Oh my god!” he gasps in disbelief that it got that bad. He feels like he’s on an episode of Real Housewives. Or maybe Dance Moms. 

“Poor Ricky… Is he okay?” His mind constructs different images of Ricky’s mother ambushing him while he tries to get ready for act two. He can’t imagine how terrible that must have been. 

“As much as he can be right now,” you say. Seb can see how worried you are about him. This night took a toll on you, and he’s sure Ricky’s dad and Miss Jenn can’t be doing much better. It makes sense, and he’s glad to at least know what happened. 

“That’s pretty much it, but I’ll give you the details later.” you say, noting that you have to go on soon, and walking over to Ashlyn so you can enter together. 

The music starts, and Ricky has never been more excited for Bop to the Top. He’s never had the opportunity to see you and Seb perform full out like this from the audience, he’s always been just out of view before because of the blocking and where he was supposed to stand on stage. But now, he’s front and center, watching the light bounce off the glitter scattered across your chest and arms. You’re in a gorgeous, glittering teal dress that bounces and moves with every step you take. Your silver sparkling heels match your bracelets, and your hair is pinned up with big pink and white flowers on the side. Seb begins to dance with you, wearing a coordinating outfit that’s just as flashy. 

As the music cuts between the basketball game and science decathlon, you and Seb continue to steal the show. Your singing is gorgeous and your choreography is flawless. You harmonize as you spin around, totally in sync. Your attitude, your charisma is overflowing. The two most important events of the show are happening on either side of you, and you’re keeping all eyes center stage. He’s never seen a number with this much energy, this much flare, and based on the way the crowd is reacting, they feel the same way. 

As the tension builds, as the time to score the winning shot runs out and the science questions get harder and harder, as the music builds, Ricky’s breath is taken away. At the climax of the number, the East High Wildcats win the championship basketball game, and the science decathlon at the same moment. You and Seb hit the final note, holding it out as you strike your ending pose. Right as you’re done, Taylor kills the lights. 

Ricky is stunned at how good the show looks from the audience. But in spite of how amazing it’s been, he can’t ignore the gnawing in his chest anymore. He’s been trying so hard to focus on you, to not be jealous of EJ standing up there reciting his lines, singing his parts and doing his choreography. Seeing EJ up there, seeing Carlos struggle to fill in as Chad makes his stomach sink. It’s supposed to be him up there. He’s supposed to be the one scrambling to make it to callbacks on time, just like he did in real life all those months ago. He turns his attention back to you, as you begin your biggest Sharpay diva moment of the show. 

You storm off with Seb at your heels, and you both begin to get changed for the finale. As you get dressed into your white and red outfits, you can’t resist telling him a little more about what happened during act one and intermission. 

“...And she just stormed up to me, demanding to see him. Like, I told her, ‘you’re not cast or crew, you are so not allowed to be back here’, but she didn’t care!” Your voice is intense, but hushed. 

“Are you kidding?” he demands, shock evident on his face. 

“I wish I was…” you laugh softly, just as flabbergasted by the recent turn of events as he is. You inch closer to the curtain, and see Ricky wave to you in the audience - or more specifically in the general direction of where he knows you’d be right about now. His eyes are still a little pink and puffy, and it’s obvious how much everything that happened tonight has fucked him up. Your chest squeezes at the sight, and you wish you could hug him or do something to help. You sigh, trying to think of something encouraging to text him when you get a spare minute to. You snap out of your train of thought when you realize it’s quiet onstage. Your stomach sinks as EJ repeats his line, trying to cue Nina.

“Oh god,” you mutter next to Seb. 

“Did she forget her lines?” he asks. Her head turns, and you see what she’s looking at - who she’s looking at. You’re minutes away from the finale of the show, and she’s staring at Ricky. EJ begins speaking again, reciting his lines, but he just keeps going.

“Is he improving?” you ask rhetorically. “Why is he improving?” 

You have no idea what’s going on, but this show is going off the rails so fast. It’s like a slow motion trainwreck, and you find yourself unable to look away as Nina whispers to him out of character, for the second time in the last hour. You can feel your blood pressure rise as she breaks character too, the both of them floundering onstage and deviating from every rule of theatre Miss Jenn has been drilling into your heads for the last three months. Again, EJ speaks up, not even trying at this point. 

“I’m not the Troy you want,” he says melancholically. 

“What the fuck are they doing?” you hiss, and Seb can tell that after everything that happened tonight, this is really the last straw for you - you’re out for blood. You watch in disbelief as EJ just… walks offstage. And that’s it. You think it’s a really good thing he exited to the other side of the stage, because you sure have some choice words for him right now. 

“What is he doing?!” you question again, more pissed off than Seb has ever seen you. As if things couldn’t possibly get worse, you can’t believe what you’re seeing. Nina picks up her mic and begins to walk toward the edge of the stage, singing acapella. 

“She better not fucking do what I think she’s doing.” your voice is quiet, dangerous, and Seb is momentarily worried on her behalf. Even though you’re like, the nicest person ever, he doesn’t think anyone would want to be on your bad side.

Your hand flies over your mouth in utter disbelief as she walks into the audience and right over to Ricky, signaling for Big Red to follow her with a spotlight. Just when you think this couldn’t be more of an amature hour shit show, she pulls out her phone, turning her flashlight on him. You have no idea what she thinks that’s going to do, and thank god when she puts it away after a minute. She grabs Ricky’s hand, trying multiple times to pull him out of his seat. His heart is pounding, and he can feel himself freezing up. He has no idea what’s happening or why she’s doing this, and he has even less of an idea what he’s supposed to do. 

“I’m… really not at my best right now…” he manages to choke out. She doesn’t listen, and grips his hand, limp in hers. 

“Just look at me, Ricky. Right at me.” She smiles, like that will fix anything. He shouldn’t go up there, he shouldn’t go onstage when he’s like this. He and his dad had a whole conversation about it after intermission. But with everyone staring at him, Nini begins to sing. When she holds out the mic for him to finish the verse, he does, almost on instinct. He can’t leave her hanging, not like this. He panics, and next thing he knows, he’s letting her drag him onstage. He doesn’t know what’s happening, why she’s doing this, but he moves automatically and lets her drag him onstage. 

He’s struggling to keep his voice level, using all his effort to push past the pain, and smile at her. As she finally brings him center stage, taking his shaking hands in hers, he fights with everything inside him to make this work, to make it convincing, and be the finale it was supposed to be. He just has to keep it together for this last number, work through the pain, the ache in his chest and stomach that’s killing him as he stands up there, just for three minutes. As the rest of the cast begins to hit their cues, the energy has never been higher. They’re giving it everything they’ve got to hype him up, give him something to hold onto. He can feel them reaching out to him, singing and dancing their hearts out to lift him up. 

He’s trying so hard to be Troy, to seem convincing, to smile sincerely - not at Nini, but at Gabriella. He holds her hands, beaming, thinking about how badly Troy wants to kiss her. He clings onto this moment, the music, this role like a lifeboat. Troy has a great relationship with both his parents, Troy doesn’t come from a broken home. Troy is okay, he’s never been better, which means that Ricky gets to be okay vicariously through him, just for a little while. Just for a few minutes. He holds onto this catharsis as tightly as he can. He’s not going to let this moment be taken away from him too. The audience is cheering louder than ever as they make their way to the end of the song, incredibly confused at the cast changes and Nini’s actions, but they cheer everyone on - especially Ricky - nonetheless. 

He smiles at her through misty eyes, holding her hands and gazing at her in adoration. ‘This is it,’ Nini thinks, ‘my Ricky has come back to me. It’s always going to be us.’ He caresses her cheek, and looks at her like he really wants to kiss her as they harmonize. She knows he wants to kiss her, he’s always loved her and he’s always going to. They’ve had their ups and downs, but she knows that Ricky will always be hers. She was his first love, his first everything, and that’s what really matters. They have history, and you can’t fake that, you can’t manufacture that. 

The song ends and she drags him into the wings away from you and Seb, shoving his finale costume at him. He fumbles to take off his jacket, desperately trying to stay in motion, to keep moving, keep smiling, keep being Troy. He throws the sparkly white and red tracksuit on over his remaining clothes, and has seconds before he’s going to get dragged back out for the finale of a show he was only able to half participate in. He hates her so much for ruining this for him. He hates Nini for dragging him back up here, for literally putting him in a spotlight in the aftermath of the worst event of his life. He sucks it up, putting on a smile and getting hyped up to sing along to the megamix. 

It takes one look at your face for Seb to know just how bad this is. He can feel the rage, the disbelief radiating off of you, and he has no idea what’s going to happen after this. He thinks it’s nice that Nini tried to include Ricky, but she definitely didn’t go about it the right way. He’s sure you’d feel that’s probably the biggest understatement that could be made about the situation. 

“Are you okay?” he asks quietly, really worried. There’s already been so much drama tonight, he knows your bullshit tolerance is in the negatives right now. You stare at Nina across the stage, watching her whisper something to Kourtney with an expression on her face that infuriates you.

“Not sure yet.” You answer quietly, voice dangerous. Finally, you hear your cue, and you and Seb enter the stage.

He watches you change on a dime, transforming into a sassy, fun, reformed mean girl. You dance with him, and flirt with Zeke effortlessly. He can’t find a trace of your previous rage once you’re past the curtain, singing and dancing as Sharpay. There’s a light, fun, playful energy around you, and it’s infectious, making Seb and Zeke and everyone else around you have even more fun out there. For a moment, he forgets how ugly this is going to get once the lights go down. 

You make your way over to Gabriella, doing a little dance with her, just like you’re supposed to. You flash her a thumbs up, and wink at her supportively when Troy pulls her closer to dance, just like you’ve been practicing at every rehearsal leading up to this moment. Nina smiles at you when you do, interpreting yours and Ricky’s behavior as more than just stage directions. She feels a sense of benevolent camaraderie with you in these fleeting moments. Maybe she will be the bigger person, maybe she will extend her friendship to you, because even though you did try to steal Ricky from her - unsuccessfully at that - fighting over dumb boys is stupid. 

She and Gina run off to pull Miss Jenn onstage so she can deliver her infamous deleted line. It was your idea initially, but you made sure to tell the rest of the cast before tonight so the surprise could be from all of you. The cast and house cheer as she delivers her line, and you can see how much it means to her. You get a minute to dance with Ricky, and make your way over to him as quickly and naturally as possible. You couldn’t seem happier or more care free, but when you speak, your voice is strained. 

“I am so sorry that happened…” you say, barely loud enough for him to hear over the swell of the music and the rhythmic clapping as the audience keeps time. He can see it, the frustration being masked by your energetic, jovial nature. You’re doing the same thing he is, he realizes. You’re using this moment onstage and in character to keep the real world at bay. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt closer to you than he does right now. He wants to say something, he wants to feel horrible - he’s sure it’s justified - but when he looks at you, he can’t 

You’re onstage together at the end of your opening night performance, with a full house clapping and cheering and singing along with you both, with the whole cast. And in this moment, you’re worried about him. You’re worried about him. He’s so overwhelmed by this feeling of being onstage with all his friends, an audience full of people who came here and bought tickets and watched the show and are now cheering them on for this, the penultimate moment of all their hard work and dedication and doubts over the last three months culminating to this. He knows you know this feeling well, that this is the first show you’ve done in so long and how badly you’ve missed it - and you’re still up here, worried about him. 

“There were some… hiccups, but…” he starts, locking eyes with yours, looking at you that way that he does. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt more strongly for you than he does right now. “This is kind of the best, right?” You smile suddenly at his words, relief evident on your face. You feel like you can breathe a little easier knowing he’s doing okay - or at least, better than he was. 

“This is just the tip of the iceberg babe,” you chuckle, nudging him playfully. You’re still livid at that… stunt Nina pulled, that hasn’t slipped your mind. But for now, Ricky is okay. That’s what’s important. You’ll deal with her later, if you get the chance. 

“Just wait till you see what I have picked out for the spring musical!” you both look over at Miss Jenn as she smiles, drawing an excited laugh from you and Ricky. 

Nina looks over, hearing you laughing with Ricky. It makes her stomach sink. She scoffs, figuring it must be platonic. He’s probably just giving you closure, or something. She looks back out into the crowd, and stops dancing as she watches the scout from YAC leave. Her mouth hangs open in disbelief. If she doesn’t get into YAC, the performing arts school of her dreams, what was the point of all this?

After everyone runs forward in groups, then individually to bow in front of the audience, You, Nina, and Ricky are the last to go. He stands between you, lined up with everyone else, holding both your hands as you and all your friends bow as a cast.  He snaps to attention as he hears a certain part of the music, squeezing your hand in warning. Confetti cannons go off from the wings moments later, drawing out a new wave of cheers and applause from the audience. You’re grateful for the warning, and you squeeze his hand back as a thank you. Your heart is warmed that even now, after so many difficult things happening back to back in one night, he still remembered that loud noises can make you jumpy. 

When Nina goes to share a look with Ricky, her smile drops. He’s already looking at you. There’s a certain type of joy in his eye, the kind you can only find amidst the ashes of misery, as he realizes that through everything that happened, he’s still okay. You’re still here. That’s the important part. You’re still right here with him, holding his hand. He made it to bows. Everything is going to be okay. In sharing this eye contact with him, you can’t help but reflect on how pretty he looks in the blue cast of the stage lights as he looks at you that way that makes your stomach twist. 

The curtains begin to draw closed, and you all wave at the audience until they’re out of sight. Sporadic cheers are let out around you as hugs are initiated here and there, and everyone begins flooding to the dressing rooms to get changed. As you make your way to the back, Ashlyn already leading everyone in a very loud, high energy reprise of We’re All in This Together, you squeeze Ricky’s arm. When he looks at you, he seems to be doing exactly as well as you’d expect - okay for now, the massive high from the end of the show keeping him afloat for now, but you know it won’t last forever. 

“I’m gonna go get changed real quick, I’ll say hi to my mom then we can go home, okay?” you say quietly, and he can tell from your tone of voice that you’re here for him, he just needs to hang in there a little longer. 

“Okay,” he says with a shaky breath. He doesn’t really need to get changed since he has his street clothes on under his tracksuit, so after hanging it up in its place, he waits in the hall outside the dressing rooms. A few minutes later, everyone who got changed the fastest are in the halls and on the stairs outside the dressing rooms, talking and congratulating each other before they go to the lobby. There's a silent understanding that you're all waiting just a few more minutes before you have to leave, before you have to acknowledge that the show is over. Big Red runs over to Ricky as soon as he spots him. 

“Are you okay, dude?” he asks quietly, clearly worried about him. Ricky lets out a breathy laugh. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.” Ricky realizes how stressed he must be, having no idea of anything that was going on until half way through the show. "There’s a lot to fill you in on." Ricky nods his head, and they move to a more secluded area so Ricky can begin catching him up. He goes over the series of events from earlier tonight quickly, trying not to get worked up over all of it again. Soon he's wrapping up his summary of the horrible things that happened in such a short span of time, and his eyes are much less misty than he was worried they'd be. 

"Oh. My. God." Red states, laughing in disbelief that his mother would do something like that. 

"Yeah." Ricky nods, still in shock. 

"Don't take this the wrong way, dude," Red says tentatively, "but that does sound like something she would do; the guilt tripping, mind games, all of it." Ricky can't help but agree. In retrospect, Red does remember her using a lot of language that read as passive aggressive or guilt  tripping. There’s no way they could have picked up on that as kids, but hindsight is 20/20. Ricky loses Red's attention real quick as Ashlyn walks toward her friends, no longer loitering outside the dressing room she shares with you and Nini - and soon, Gina. She holds up a piece of paper from the mystery bouquet she'd been inspecting more closely. 

“We found a card!” she says excitedly. Ricky nudges Red, encouraging him to tell Ashlyn that he was the one to send the flowers. He looks at Ricky, nervous, and gets an encouraging nod. Big Red takes a breath, steadying himself, then stands up and walks towards Ashlyn. 

"Actually…" he starts. He doesn't need to say anything else, watching the realization hit. They walk a few feet away, talking animatedly and seeming to have a good time. More people start to filter out to see their friends and family, and as they dissipate, he realizes he still hasn't seen you since you went to change. He spots Kourtney passing by a few feet away and runs over to her. 

"Hey, uh," he starts carefully. He knows Kourtney hasn't been too fond of him for a while. "Do you know where Nini is?" He knows where Gina and Ashlyn are, and he really just wants to grab you and get out of here without even more drama. Kourtney sucks her teeth, considering how to respond for a moment. She could say something, she always has something to say when it comes to Ricky, but she knows tonight was hard on him. She doesn't know the details, but she's sure the last thing she'd want in his position is more animosity. 

"The scout left, and she's taking it hard. I think she's with her moms, but I don't know for sure." He waits a beat, realizing there's no other shoe that's going to drop, no glares or snarky comments.

"Thanks," he says quietly, before making his way to your dressing room. You're probably just having trouble getting everything back in your bag. He thought you had way over packed when you showed him the huge tote bag you got ready for tech week, but by the end, every 'just in case you had brought had been needed more than once. You really know your way around a theater, he thinks. 

When you first enter your dressing room, all you want to do is get changed and get out. Ashlyn talks a little - mostly to herself - about how excited she is for the next show. You reply as politely as possible, doing everything you can to avoid Nina, ignore her as much as you can. You just have to get changed and get out. You have bigger issues to deal with, bigger fish to fry than to chew her out for what she did back there. 

"Yeah," she replies, a faux chipper tone to her voice "hopefully we won't have as many last minute cast changes tomorrow night," you pause, gripping the empty plastic hanger so hard your knuckles turn white. "But who knows, right?" 

You've tried your best, you really have, but you can't take her bullshit anymore. The hanger snaps in your hands with a loud crack. Ashlyn's eyes widen in surprise, and now out of costume, she makes her way to the door. 

"I'll give you two a minute…"

The cacophony of voices get louder for a moment as she opens the door to leave, then it's quiet again. You turn away from her to tug on your shoes, praying to god she'll just leave it alone, let you get out of here quietly. 

"Sorry," her voice is dripping with a passive aggressive ignorance that grates on your ears. "Did you have something to say to me?" Before she can scoff and drop a yeah, that's what I thought, you turn, looking over your shoulder at her with a stone cold glare. When you speak, your voice is so deadly, so sharp she feels like she's been stung. 

"Count yourself fucking lucky that I don't have time to hang around right now, but I swear to god, Nina, if you pull shit like that again-"

"Wh-" she sputters, "excuse me? Pull what? Including Ricky, and helping him?"

"You think you were helping him?" You repeat, turning to face her. You roll your eyes scoffing. "Wow." She starts to say something, but you cut her off. 

"Look, I don't know why you're here, but some of us actually take this seriously. This actually means something- this matters to some people, and nobody needs you turning it into a little three ring Nina circus, and ruining it for the people who actually want to be here!" Your voice rises as you continue, driving your point home, and refusing to let her interrupt you. By the time you’re done, her mouth is hanging open.

“I don’t care what you do in your free time,” you continue decisively, “I really don’t, but don’t ruin everything for the people who actually give a fuck!” you say, a humorless laugh at the end. You don’t know who’s been coddling her up until now, but you are sure as hell are not going to let someone get away with a stunt like that. It’s clear from her reaction that no one has ever spoken to her like this, and you think it’s long overdue. “That was the most unprofessional load of bullshit I have ever fucking seen! And I’ve been around the rodeo a few times.” 

Nina blinks hard, fighting tears prickling the corners of her eyes. She feels like she’s just been slapped. Her? Unprofessional? Wow. You’re really reaching now. She’s the most professional person at this whole school, she just… She freezes as it hits her in a split second of clarity, that she doesn’t have a leg to stand on. She broke the cardinal rules of theatre; she broke character, went into the audience, broke the immersion. She ruined opening night. You can see the moment of lucidity where she realizes she’s in the wrong, and it’s gone just as fast. 

“You’re one to talk about being a professional.” She spits. You look at her incredulously. Once again you have no idea where she’s going with this. When you don’t react, don’t instantly get it, she continues. 

“You had a Broadway career handed to you on a silver platter, and you threw it away!” she searches your face for shock that she figured out your secret, continuing, “And for what, so you could slum it at some midwestern high school full of amateurs?” 

You figured it was a matter of time before someone found out you’ve done professional theatre before, so if she’s waiting for a reaction from you, she’s not going to get one. The only reason you didn’t tell anyone, the only reason you kept quiet about it is because you didn’t want to come across as cocky or seem like you were bragging. Plus, with how hard things got towards the end, you don’t really want to go around and dig up memories from that time in your life. Besides, you’re not in New York right now, you’re at East High. You’re here with all your friends, finally getting a little piece of normalcy. You’re exactly where you want to be, so why would you waste it living in the past?

Before you can answer, she continues.

“The point is, you need to stay away from Ricky and stop lying to him. Okay?” she demands. Her voice is muffled through the door, but right outside, Ricky hears her loud and clear. He didn’t hear you two before, but now the halls and dressing rooms are mostly empty.

Is she still seriously going on about that? You let out a breath, trying to regain your composure. 

“I really do not have the time to keep having the same conversation with you over and over - or explain to you that you can’t tell people who they can and can’t date!” you exclaim. You’re about to drop it, but there’s one more thing you need to get off your chest. “And for the fucking record, you don’t know jack shit about what else was going on in my life when I left New York. And I don’t owe you an explanation either.” you say coldly. You’ve said your peace, the only thing you need to do is fucking get out of here and find Ricky. 

“I can’t believe I actually used to look up to you!” she exclaims. “Look. It was cute, or whatever, at first, but this little game of yours has gone on for long enough. He’s mine. Now can you leave him alone, please?” she demands. She’s dripping that passive aggression you’re really starting to get sick of. You look at her in the mirror, illuminated with lights. 

“Seriously? You seriously want to do this right now.” You say, exhausted. She either doesn’t hear you or pretends not to as she continues.

“I knew him first! I dated him first, I kissed him first. Everything he’s done with you, he did with me first.” she states. She doesn’t know how else to get it into your head that she was his first everything, and you’re just a rebound or something. What they have isn’t something you can just get over like that.

“You weren’t… every first, Nini.” You both look over at Ricky, and you wonder how long he’s been standing in the doorway, how much he heard. 

“Ricky… what?” she whips around at the sound of his voice. He stares back at her, teary eyed and serious. 

“You weren’t every first.” he repeats. You both look at him in disbelief. Nina furrows her brow. She can’t believe he’s disrespecting their relationship like this. You stare at him, thinking back, reanalyzing your memories. He can’t be saying what you think he’s saying. There’s no way you were his first time. That couldn’t have been his first time. There’s no way that Ricky Bowen was a virgin before he showed up at your house that night, there’s no way that you took his virginity. ‘Oh god, I did, didn’t I?’ you think, remembering the way he looked at you, how nervous and desperate he was. Heat floods to your cheeks. You have no idea what to do with this information.

“How could you say that?” she demands. She was his first crush, his first kiss, his first date, girlfriend, heartbreak. She was all of it. 

“Because it’s true!” he exclaims. “The only first I care about, the only first that matters, is right there.” he gestures to you. 

Oh yeah, no, you definitely did take his virginity. You did not expect this, much less that it would make you feel so… tender? Flattered? Warm and fuzzy maybe? You hold back a flustered laugh. Whatever warm thing it is, you’re sure feeling a lot of it. You stare at the ground, cheeks hot, butterflies fluttering in your stomach as you process this in the back of your mind. The majority of your attention is still on Ricky. You’ve been so worried, but he seems okay, which is a huge relief. He catches your eye, and your stomach twists. He’s looking at you like that again, and you’re sure you must be looking at him the same way. Anyone could see it. You snap back to attention, remembering Nina is still in the room with you. 

“We should get going-” you start quietly, reaching for your bag.

“Stay out of this!” she snaps, and you recoil at the sudden sharpness to her voice. “This is between Ricky and me.”  She turns to him, continuing, “And we are not done talking about this.” 

“Don’t talk to her like that.” He says quickly, more defensive of you after what happened earlier. He walks over to you, standing in between you and her. “Anything you have to say to me, you can say it in front of her.” Even though his voice wavers with emotion for a moment, Nina can tell he’s not backing down on this. She weighs her options. 

“Okay.” she starts, sucking her teeth. “I think she’s manipulating you.”

He lets out a breathy laugh with a bitter edge. He rolls his eyes, looking away for a second.

“That’s… hilarious, coming from you…” he mutters. 

“What? She’s been lying to you this whole time! She’s been doing professional theatre for years, Ricky, she-”

“That’s what this is about?” He realizes. “Oh my god, I already knew that!” he yells. Relief floods him as it clicks that all the bullshit she’s been spewing is nothing he didn’t know about already. She really was just trying to get into his head. “She’s not manipulating me, Nini, she’s there for me! There’s a difference! She actually cares about me - unlike you, and Lynne, and everybody else.” 

“That’s not fair-”

“She’s actually there for me, and she doesn’t just bail when shit gets hard. Not like you’d know anything about that.” he says the last part quieter, but she still hears it. She doesn’t have a comeback, she doesn’t have anything she can say to that. 

“I don’t have to listen to this.” She grabs her bag, brushing past him. Before she leaves, he turns to her, finally saying something he never thought he’d be able to. 

“I’m starting to think I wasn’t the problem in our relationship.” 

She freezes, turning to him slowly, eyes glistening.

“What?”

“You heard me.” he states. 

“You know what?” There’s nothing she can say, no comeback, no way to defend herself. She lets a single tear fall. “Screw you, Ricky.” She leaves quickly, huffing at what he said. He turns to you, still staring at where she left in disbelief. You exhale for what feels like the first time since this confrontation began, then immediately turn your attention back to Ricky. You’re grabbing your stuff as quickly as you can, desperate to finally get out of here, laughing nervously. 

“I can’t believe this night keeps getting worse. Look, we can just go home, we don’t have to go to Denny’s or anything if you don’t want to, I just want to make sure you’re okay, because obviously a lot of-” 

“I love you.” 

It tears from his throat with more raw emotion than you’ve ever heard, stopping you in your tracks. Your eyes widen as his hands come up to hold your face. He wants to kiss you so badly, more than he’s wanted anything, and you can feel it. He keeps going.

“I love you so much, I wanted to say it before. I’ve wanted to say it since that first amazing night we spent together. Ever since you snuck me into your room, and we talked and watched old episodes of cartoons, and you took me in when I needed you, I have loved you. And then you got those little plastic rings when we were running late for rehearsal, because we stopped for coffee and peach scones, and- and we traded colors, I felt like my heart was going to explode.” 

His thumbs caress your cheeks, and it makes you light headed. 

“I wanted to say it when we were dancing at homecoming and you were so beautiful I thought I’d die, I wanted to say it every time we kissed, and every time you laugh so hard your nose scrunches up, I wanted to say it. You made me fall in love with theatre, and this beautiful place, and with you. You love everyone around you so selflessly,” his voice breaks, “please, let me love you. The way you deserve to be loved. Even if you don’t want to say it back-” 

“I love you too.” You can’t help interrupting him, unable to ignore how true they are any longer. He’s stopped dead in his tracks. “I would have said something sooner, but the last thing I wanted was for you to feel pressured, so I… figured I’d follow your lead.” The room is quiet as he tries to get the air back in his lungs. 

“You love me?” he breathes.

“Yeah,” you confirm, nodding, “I do.” 

He takes one look at you, holding you intensely in his gaze, confirming that you really just said that. In one swift motion, he pulls you close to him, dipping you, and finally connects his lips to yours. He kisses you more passionately than anything he’s ever done. He kisses the air out of your lungs, kisses away the little space between you, desperately kissing everything he feels for you onto your lips. You lose yourself for a beautiful moment in that kiss. You’re not sure how long you stay like that, holding each other as close as you can get, with kissing as the only means of expressing the depths of your feelings, but it’s long enough that your lungs burn when you finally pull away. He barely moves his face away from yours as you attempt in sync to catch your breath. 

“Say it again,” he murmurs against your lips. 

“I love you,” you say, soft and sincere, that beautiful smile on your lips where his ache to be again. He reacts instantly to your words, picking you up, and kissing you again and again. You wrap your legs around his waist, giggling in surprise. He sets you on the table in front of the big dressing room mirror where Ashlyn’s character shoes still sit. The mental note to make sure she doesn’t forget them flies out of your mind as Ricky kisses you again and again, mouth open against yours. His lips are all over your face and your neck, turning you into a giggling mess as he holds you tight. He mutters sweet nothings against your skin that turn sensual very quick, but mostly he keeps telling you how much he loves you between kisses, mumbling the three words into your skin over and over. 

“Ricky…” you trail off as he bites your neck playfully, causing you to let out a flustered noise. “We have to go upstairs…” you start to forget what you were saying as he runs his tongue over your skin. “Our parents are waiting!” you laugh, desperately holding onto the train of thought. 

“Let them wait…” he murmurs, “You said we could kiss after the show, and… it’s after.” The flustered look on your face is too much for him, and he presses his lips to yours again, pushing his tongue into your mouth. You feel so good, your skin is so soft and you smell so sweet, and it’s all so much more now that he’s said it, now that you said it back to him. He squeezes your thigh and bites your lip and moans into your mouth, loving every noise you make, every tug of his hair and grab of his shirt. He’s so desperate for you and your touch, he would fuck you right here if he could. He considers it for a moment. 

After eavesdropping too long for her own good, Nina feels a solitary tear roll down her cheek. Ricky’s words ring in her ears. He loves you. He didn’t just say it back, he initiated it. She didn’t stick around too long, just enough for it to hurt. She reaches into her bag, pulling out her songwriting book. She’s sure this will give her plenty to write about, she thinks bitterly. She could probably get a whole album out of it. ‘At least then the pain would be worth something…’ she muses, taking one last look over her shoulder before leaving the dressing rooms - and Ricky - out of her sight.

Eventually, you and Ricky manage to drag yourselves upstairs and greet people in the lobby. Mike finds him quickly, pulling him aside to check on him. He looks back over at you, accepting flowers from your mom and pulling her in for a hug. 

“Yeah,” he says. “I’m okay.” He doesn’t look away from you, and Mike doesn’t miss this. His son is a lot of wonderful things, but he sure wouldn’t describe him as subtle. Ricky watches you as a girl in a pink dress walks up nervously to you with who he presumes is her sister. He’s too far away to hear your conversation over the chatter from people milling about, but your face lights up after she speaks. You pull a hot pink sharpie out of your bag and sign her playbill before handing it back to her. The sight makes his chest squeeze. He didn’t know you were good with kids, but it makes total sense - you’re good with everybody. 

Mike nudges him toward you.

“Go ahead,” he smiles, so Ricky does. 

“Hey,” he starts, pausing when a woman walks up to him, a little girl hiding behind her leg, looking up at Ricky in admiration. 

“Excuse me,” the woman says, getting his attention. “You were fantastic. She really loves High School Musical, and we wanted to know if you’d sign her playbill…” 

The girl looks up at him nervously, and he smiles, letting out a flustered chuckle. He didn’t expect this, he doesn’t even have a pen - but luckily as always you’re right behind him, extending a sharpie his way. 

“Yeah,” he smiles, “sure, of course!” He scribbles his name across the front before handing it back. “What was your favorite part?” he asks. She considers. 

“We’re All in This Together.” she decides, singing out the song title. 

“No way, that’s my favorite song too!” The way her face lights up is something he doesn’t think he’ll ever forget. She jumps excitedly that someone as cool as Troy Bolton has the same favorite song as her before hiding behind her mom’s legs again. The mom thanks him again before picking up her daughter. Ricky turns to you, not even needing to say anything. 

“I know,” you smile, “it’s the best, right?” 

“Yeah,” he agrees. “It is.” Your eyes light up that way they do when you remember something, and you reach into your bag. You pull out Ashlyn’s character shoes - thank god you remembered to bring them out with you - and gesture down the hall to where Ashlyn is talking to some of her friends that came to see the show. 

“I’m gonna give these back to Ashlyn, and I’ll meet you and our parents by the doors in like, two seconds.” He agrees, and you part ways. 

“Thank you!” Ashlyn gasps when you hand her the shoes. “I was looking everywhere for these.” 

She pauses, remembering how tense things got between you and Nini earlier before she left. 

“Was everything okay with…” she trails off, jogging your memory. 

“Oh,” you start, a little unsure of how to answer. “Yeah. Everything’s fine now.” You look off to the side, and she follows your gaze to Ricky. He’s talking to his dad and seems to be doing a lot better now, and you seem to be doing better too. 

As you make your way down the hall and across the lobby you’re stopped by a woman you don’t recognize, but she seems to know you, addressing you by name as she introduces herself. 

“I’m Kalyani Patel, the dean of the Youth Actors Conservatory in Denver. I’ve been following your career for some time, and I have to say, I’m very impressed. You’re incredibly talented and have a lot of notable credits for someone as young as you are. We have one more available place available for the upcoming semester, and we would be thrilled for you to attend.” 

“Thank you so much, Kalyani. I’ve heard a lot about Youth Actors Conservatory, and I’m so honored by your offer, but I’m not planning on switching schools at the moment.” You say as graciously as you can. 

“Of course, I understand.” She smiles. 

“Thank you again for the opportunity, and I hope we can work together in the future.” You smile back, saying goodbye, and making your way over to Ricky and your parents. 

After returning to the dressing rooms to write sad song lyrics and watch herself cry in the mirror, when Nina finally finds her moms in the lobby, she has a piece of good news for once.

“The dean of YAC!” she exclaims. 

“I thought they were full, sweetie.” Carol says. She and Dana had gotten a rejection letter addressed to Nini a few days ago, and were trying to find the right time to break the news. 

“She said a spot opened up,” she beams, “which means I’m going to YAC!” 

Her moms hug her, congratulating her on the good news, and that they’d discuss it in detail at home. Nina looks over to where you and Ricky are standing. He holds your hands in his while you talk quietly. You have no idea that soon she’ll be out of here, and you’ll never see her again. She was on the fence, but after what he said to you, she’s made up her mind. She’s leaving this town, and going somewhere that she’ll be appreciated, somewhere she’s wanted. If that happens to be a boarding school in Colorado, then so be it. ‘Take a good look’, she thinks, ‘because that’s the last you’ll ever see of Nini Salazar-Roberts.’ 

 After more mingling, congratulations, flowers, and playbill signing, you turn to Ricky.

“You ready to go home?” you ask, walking toward your car. He stops, turning to look at you. 

“You know what? No.” he lets out a breathy laugh. “I don’t want to go home. I… want to go to Denny’s! I’m a theatre kid, and I just finished my first show, and it’s like, tradition to go to Denny’s, so I want to!” You smile at his sudden enthusiasm, laughter matching his. 

“Yeah, okay,” you smile, “let’s go!” 

You both walk over to your castmates, who are trying to figure out a carpool to get everyone there before it gets any later. You nudge Ricky.

“So, does anyone need a ride to Denny’s, or should we just meet you there?” he asks. For what feels like the millionth time, everyone erupts into cheers. You know all your friends were worried about him after what happened, and Seb instigates a group hug, that everyone quickly jumps on to. You think it’s important to end the night on a good note like this, spending time with your castmates, cramming into booths and singing obnoxiously in an empty restaurant. It’s sort of a rite of passage, and you’re glad that Ricky’s able to participate, especially after opening night of his first show. 

You sleep over at his place that night. After everything Ricky’s been through, after he seems to finally be okay again, the last thing Mike wants to do is not let him spend time with someone he’s so close to - especially considering what a good influence Mike thinks you are on him. From what Ricky told him, you didn’t instigate any drama tonight, and spent every spare moment off stage trying to help Ricky through what was going on. It’s not the first time you’ve helped Ricky navigate the ups and downs of growing up in the time you’ve known him, so when Ricky asked if you could stay the night, he agreed. While you’re brushing your teeth, Mike pulls Ricky aside to talk. 

“I spoke to Nini’s moms,” he starts, and Ricky braces himself. “They’re going to talk to her, and I said I’d talk to you to make sure these last shows go smoothly, alright? So, no more fights, no arguing, no more of this… reality tv stuff.” 

“Believe me,” Ricky sighs, “I don’t want any more drama. Especially at the expense of the show.” 

“I know,” Mike agrees. “So just… it’s only a few more shows. Try your best to…” he looks for the words.

“Politely avoid each other?” Ricky supplements.

“Exactly.” Mike nods. “Just politely avoid each other for a few more days, and all this will blow over.” 

When he finally reenters his room, he hands you a t shirt to wear. He knows you probably brought pajamas, but he wants to tell you he loves you in as many ways as he can, like wearing his clothes. When you come back in and sit on his bed in his big shirt and your little shorts, he doesn’t think you’ve ever looked more beautiful. 

“Do you want to talk about anything?” you ask tentatively. 

“Not really,” he chuckles. “I feel like I’ve kind of talked it all to death by now.”

“You know what we haven’t talked about?” you ask, a look in your eye that immediately has his attention. “How Nina and EJ - but like, mostly Nina - ruined the finale of the show.” 

“Yeah,” he starts, remembering how stunned he was. “What the fuck was that?” 

You talk shit until you have nothing else to say about it, and soon you’re curled up under the covers together. You’re laughing and talking, and things almost feel normal again. It’s like every bad thing never happened tonight. He doesn’t know how you do it, how you make things feel so okay again, but he holds you tight, clinging onto the feeling. He was going to say it earlier, but he was so distracted by you, by how beautiful you are. 

“I love you.” he says, pressing a kiss to your forehead. He feels you smile against his chest. 

“I love you too, Ricky.” 

You sound so content, so comfortable with him, and he feels like his heart is going to burst. 

“I love you,” he says again, running his fingers along your waist. 

“I love you too,” you giggle sleepily. Every time you think he’s asleep, he says it again, and again, and again. He can’t help himself, he loves the way you blush and giggle, loves how warm you are against him, loves the way you say it back to him. It’s quiet for a little while, but you feel his hands still tracing little shapes into your skin. You glance up at him to find him staring at you  in that way that makes your stomach twist. 

“Close your eyes,” you mutter, drowsy. 

“But I love you.” he replies quietly, and you can hear the smile in his voice. “I love looking at you. I love everything about you.” 

“I love you too,” you answer groggily, and he doesn’t think he’s ever felt better than he does when you say it like that. “But we have a full day of school in the morning, then homework, then another show to perform in, so we have to get at least a little sleep.”

“Yeah,” he sighs, eyes growing heavy as the day catches up to him. “As long as we have time for coffee and peach scones.”

“There is literally always time for coffee and peach scones.” he chuckles at how quickly you respond. You lean up, pressing a kiss to his nose, then snuggle back into his chest. It’s his favorite time of day again, he realizes, where he gets to sleep next to you, and kiss, and cuddle. Except this time, it’s better than it ever has been, because right before you fall asleep, he gets to say it.

“I love you.” he breathes, kissing your forehead.

“‘Love you too.” you mutter, barely awake. Your words reverberate and replay in his mind as he closes his eyes, finally drifting off. He doesn’t know how the next shows are going to go, he doesn't know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about what will happen when the sun rises,  he’s just excited for it to happen with you. He sleeps better than he has in a long time. 

[fatmaclover]

12,19 or 23 for mac :-3?

12: What's a headcanon you have for this character?

unibrow mac my beloved <33 if we're talking something more serious though i think itd be that hes got. COMICALLY gay music taste. fag club music is definitely his jam but hes got to get into gaga n shit for my own mental health. this is supported by the fact that in its a very sunny christmas (sorry to bring this ep up again) he literally has TWO rainbow jimi hendrix stickers on his closet door 😭 bud.... howd it take you this long youre literally making your own allegories 😭. sorry im gonna take this one to also say i think he should be More tatted up. rob you can rid yourself of your tats all you want but i know mac gets a tattoo for every boyfriend hes able to keep for longer than a week in my heart. their name right on his skin. this is Always what makes them break up with him.

19: A relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

i feel like "like" is a pretty broad thing for me. i can fucking despise something but it can still be interesting and i still like it. UNFORTUNATELY this is the case about mac and his parents. dear God actually a wretched family dynamic that attacks literally all of my insecurities with some of my own family. something about always making noise, always making a show but never being seen or heard really gets to me. the way even now mac makes it blatantly obvious what hes needing/wanting for emotional fulfillment, but his friends treat him just like his parents did because thats easier than sitting down and dealing with his issues. hes always been ignored so whats a little more?

theres a lot i could go into with this one. how being ronnie the rat was the only time mac would get seen, so of course he was incentivized to keep being a total snitch. how it seems that even joyce ended up adopting those methods against mac, being plenty apathetic towards things that were important to him (not even saying that her blowing him off is undeserved. its very much deserved even if its still a total dick move and heartbreaking that joyce would actively see the environment mac grew up in, and then decide to keep that cycle going for him). the way macs immediate family has interacted with him has affected. so much of his life that its insane. sorry that i wrote a lot about this one its just been on the mind.

oh i suppose i could also say him and carmen. i love you carmen i wish mac was normal you two would be unstoppable as a tgirl and her pet doberman fag duo. im glad youre happy just raising a kid with ur husband tho pls never come back and enjoy your life away from these freaks

23: Favorite picture of this character?

here are the jokey contenders oh my fucking god im sorry. theyre the like basic bitch mac images but theyre so fucking funny to me i think about them 24/7. literally whenever i bring up if im soying over something i want you to picture the second image thats what im doing

for a more serious answer, genuinely i adore nearly every scene fat mac is in. though i suppose the penultimate image of fat mac WOULD be the how mac got fat one

sorry hes like an angel to me here. in the grimy fuckin confessional n all.

i think this one is like. very easily first more than that other one but my shame makes it tied for first instead

sorry. ill stop. dont give me power by letting me post mac images i will empty my whole camera roll going "and isnt he so cute here? and here? and look at his smile here. and look how cute he and joyce are here" until literally every frame of fat mac or mac and joyce in frame together is posted.

fav img of mac and joyce together is them writing in mac and charlie write a movie. purely because i associate it with you and rambling about joyce and joymac for hours. without that association is the fucking cowboy photoshoot from mac and charlie die. sorry. basic answer there too

[grievedifferent]

What relationships do your characters have with death, in so far as to be what do they think happens, do they fear it, is it often on their mind or do they think it’ll probably be a relief? For specifically characters like Josh or Miles, who don’t really have a “good” ending.

josh was raised in what i keep as a somewhat ambiguously religious home, whereas miles i think was probably raised heavily christian.

bordering into a headcanon here ... for miles, his relationship with religion is complicated, so his views on death are equally so. honestly, i've been going over the relationships miles might have with his siblings and parents, which i think he's honestly sort of "the black sheep" of the family, seen primarily as bullheaded and borderline disrespectful. he doesn't give me "close to my family" vibes ... whereas this contrasts josh extremely so, who is very close to his family and is very family-oriented. miles is on his own, he doesn't "need" anyone, but josh needs people, so much so that the loss of people (an almost medicine for him, or at least his most copiously used coping skill) completely deteriorates him. miles might bitch and moan, but he'll move on usually, he accepts "shit happens", whereas josh has to literally make it right.

josh has always had a connection to death through fantasy, and i mean this by saying he was raised hollywood. his dad is primarily into filming horror (we assume that's basically his entire catalogue, maybe a stray drama here or there), thus josh is sort of "desensitized" to "death" in a very "hollywood" way. gore doesn't scare him (i choose snakes over anything else), the guts and blood don't bother him, i don't think he's very scared of bugs or rodents tbh (going around in that hotel beneath the lodge? yeah, there's bugs and rats for sure down there ... and he just gives me "put bugs on hannah as kid to scare her" vibes if he's melting army dudes with chris), i think that josh needs certain triggers to be "scared". he's also raised in such a weird age of the internet that we have to also consider. miles is also older than josh canonically speaking, so he has more life experience.

here's the thing: josh has seen a lot of fake deaths pre-hannah and beth, whereas miles was reporting on wars. to josh, his sisters just "went away and never came back, assumed rightly dead". before UD, he doesn't "see death" in the way miles might have.

now, we don't know how involved miles is as a journalist, he could be totally at home, but he gives me "out in the field" vibes, which we can safely assume since he literally does this in-game. that's why he's there. we could also say he "gets more out in the field" by himself independently, but i don't know, i can see him traveling for work even if hired by another company. he's got the perfect life for it being single, not close to his family, etc. he's got endless time for that sort of thing. but again, that's debatable, but miles is ultimately dealing with "real world tragedy and death", whereas josh is much more sheltered. josh is also mentally ill in ways miles is not. they sort of compare and contrast immensely well tbh.

because of this, i think miles has less of a "fear of death" and more of a fear of "running out of time" with the exterior of "death is coming". he's just like that. he accepts death by the end of outlast in a way humans that have truly "only been through it" really can. he is exhausted in all ways, but makes it to the end knowing he will not leave. that says something, i think.

whereas josh? he fears death. fully. he does not want to die. he doesn't want anyone to die. ever. ever. yet ... josh is always thinking about death, either his own, his sisters, or fake death (via the movies).

i think not knowing what happens after is truly terrifying for josh, more after hannah and beth because ... where are they? yet he's also suicidal, so there's that. but suicidal doesn't often mean lack of a fear of death, which we also have to keep josh's mental states in mind. such as his manic states, his mood swings, his lack of being able to see reality, his presumed hallucinations that are very much validated by the game (thus we can assume were a symptom before the game, only agitated by the situations he is presented with ... why else would he assume hannah's creature form isn't real? he knows he sees things that are not there, he's even (imo) trained himself to ignore these things in his daily life). i think in a way, josh can romanticize the idea of death via music, writing, etc ... but actual death? out of his control especially? it's too much.

interesting enough, you didn't quite ask, but yagami fears death extremely. we see this in the manga more than the anime where he begs ryuk to let him live, crying even.

[nightcolorz]

🌍 and 🔍 obviously for Armand

Fuck yes tysm anon looooove this animal!!!! "Obviously for Armand" is killing me like yes so true he is my brand

🔎: something about the modern era not referenced in the books that you think [insert character] would find upsetting or confusing + why?

This almost feels too obvious but the invasion of Ukraine I imagine would be pretty triggering and upsetting for Armand. For pretty self explanatory grew up in Kiev under invasion slash power of Ghengis Khan subsequent kidnapping and selling trauma.

On a less serious note I think Armand would find combat video games rlly confusing lmao. Ik this is probably a hot take but I have reasoning ! In devil's minion Armand describes to Daniel how he doesn't understand war or violence between men cuz violence to him isn't something he would ever choose, it's not exciting to him and it doesnt like call to him the way he imagines it does to other ppl, he is only so violent because he was born into violence raised to become used to pain and as a vampire violence is inherent + necessary.

So like I imagine if he found out about first person shooters killing games etc he wouldn't understand why they exist 😭 I think he'd really enjoy the technological and mechanic aspects that go into a game and find them really appealing for that reason (I could def see Armand having a gamer phase) but conceptually killing games would confuse him. I imagine while crushing Daniel in call of duty Armand's questioning him the whole time over why it is so overwhelmingly common for mortals to design experiences were they can fantsize about taking life while Daniel is just like oh my god Armand its not that deep ur distracting me 😭

🌍: if [insert character] were human and so was everyone else, what would their life be like? for example: what would their career be? where would they live? what about their relationship to [insert character]?

Oooo don't u dare activate human au brain (excitement). I love human aus cuz it strips away any supernatural justification for the characters being so fucked up and instantly reduces them to guys who r just like that it's so funny.

I could see Armand as an interior designer, smth sort of formulaic but still artistic. Interior design calls to me for him cuz of his passion for designing his loved ones elaborately lavish living spaces as a form of love language (trinity gate, night island). Obvs I have a human au and my Armand live's in New York, so I'm gonna go with that. Interior designer living in New York Lmao whose in the worst ever pseudo polycule with his old friend (derogatory) Lestat, Lestat's husband Armands ex husband (non literal) slash current boyfriend Louis and his bitch he keeps on a leash and does kink with in non consenting public spaces Daniel.

It feels so silly saying this cuz my fic is literally a social media au but I think that in a general human au Armand would not use social media like he'd have accounts and use the Internet but I can not see him blogging tweeting tiktoking etc. having a social media presence requires a certain level of gratification and enjoyment with sharing urself with others and being a public figure that army doesnt have lmao he hates to be perceived + consumed and thats what being online is all about ❤️

Anyways relationship wise I think Daniel is the most interesting to talk about in a human au cuz there relationship is so centrally vampiric like the whole conflict and crazy devotion comes from that, and in my heart and soul a human devil's minion has the same insanity that is justified by Daniel just being very mentally ill and Armand just being very into bdsm and blood play role play shit, love wins. Kidding they r both very mentally ill, I imagine the vampire conflict would translate into daniel being crazy obsessed with Armand and desperately longing for a deeper emotional intimacy and commitment, maybe even marriage, and armand keeps pushing him away cuz for trauma reasons he likes to keep ppl at arms length, so they r just doing bdsm shit but they r in love and army doesn't know what to do with that cuz the vulnerability of being emotionally intimate is scarier then physical esp when u have the power in the sexual dynamic. also Daniel alcoholism plus Armand every disorder and trauma is a formula for big blow out arguments all the time. Maybe they get healthy one day and adopt some fuck ass kid or two (Benji and sybelle wink wink)

Human au Marius wise makes me shudder cuz the most canon accurate stand in would be Marius adopts Armand when he's a kid or takes him in, fosters him, etc which is pretty hashtag disturbing 😭 but if I were to write a human au that's not millennia gate (my fic) that's what I'd do 😊

Armands history with Lestat and Louis I imagine would be pretty similar to canon just to a smaller less vampiric scale cuz queer ppl r just like that they r all exes they r all dating and having casual sex and marrying. I would elaborate more on this but I would just be semi spoiling my plans for my fic Lmao so ig stay tuned

Anyways love u for this anon I love Armand love that animal he is my fav ever shrieks and explodes

[beardedmrbean]

Oh that to bash my generation

AT LEAST BOOMERS HAD THE HIPPIES

https://x.com/southernkeeks/status/1784576489003856008?s=46

….Do you have ANY idea how many times our elders hammer down how shitty life was for them 40-50 years ago growing up?

How it was hammer down our throats? Did I mention that insulating time traveling cartoon movie of MLK where they stated his Martydom was NEEDED to change the world?

How the fuck did the king family-wait I heard they been a mess since his death. Nvm

But people wondering why zoomer college kids are so unhinged….okay story good Steven universe fans. I just wanted to show how long this mess was

But since you know I been in the asylum that’s is tumblr…um not surprising. For some goddamn reasons, late boomers and gen x (not all but you know) decided to like social media and tv will raised their kids

And given how over a decade misandrists and racist af non whites was go unchecked….

I think a lot of people forget that my generation grew up when people with untreated mental illness, unresolved parental issues, and it was socially acceptable to treat white people and men the same way the Nazis viewed the Jews because oppressed vs the oppressors. You end up with this

A lot of people don’t realize the crazy sjw/tumblr crowd PREYED kids. So when you have mentally stunted people who think like Star Wars (oh let leave out the character we talked about in the DMs. They are a landmine) preferring the galactic emperor/first order over the rebellion/resistance means your a Nazi apologist

Your shit out of luck, but funny enough me liking a certain villain lead me NOT calling the sons and daughters of David colonizer

Okay a lot of other things, but Jesus fucking Christ why do I have more empathy than people who entire personality is based off superhero comics and kids cartoons?

But seriously how the fuck I realize I had better moral compass at 13? Keep in mind I just got away from the bitch [stepmom] and still coping with my autism and adhd I was diagnosed with at 11.

Oh shit gen-z you are totally unique nobody has ever had to deal with this before since before the dawn of recorded history, what a brand new burden you carry.

Dunces that think they're the first generation to ever care about the environment are also totally a new thing and we've never had any kind of concern for the environment before, thank you gen-z for showing the rest of us the light.

How it was hammer down our throats? Did I mention that insulating time traveling cartoon movie of MLK where they stated his Martydom was NEEDED to change the world?

Saw people saying that about george floyd too, sad honestly.

But people wondering why zoomer college kids are so unhinged….okay story good Steven universe fans. I just wanted to show how long this mess was

There's a reason I've let my brother know to never let his kids watch that show, nothing to do with the show and everything to do with not wanting them to look online and encounter the cesspit that is in the fandom

But since you know I been in the asylum that’s is tumblr…um not surprising. For some goddamn reasons, late boomers and gen x (not all but you know) decided to like social media and tv will raised their kids And given how over a decade misandrists and racist af non whites was go unchecked….

late gen-x early millennial is closer, zucc is a millennial, dorsey and myspace tom are gen-x,but in our defense we in gen-x were so chill we'd thought that all that would just keep on going and folks would be chill online with each other, not zucc he wanted to get laid but the other two ya.

I think a lot of people forget that my generation grew up when people with untreated mental illness, unresolved parental issues, and it was socially acceptable to treat white people and men the same way the Nazis viewed the Jews because oppressed vs the oppressors. You end up with this

they're getting better ant the mental illness thing, we've gone over that before so not going much further into it, still say it's a miracle my ADHD and Dyslexia were diagnosed as a kid, still mostly abnormal then, but you can thank Gen-X for pushing to bust the stigma around mental illness and treatments and stuff, even if it did land us inside the "prozac nation"

We and some before us suffered so y'all could suffer less

A lot of people don’t realize the crazy sjw/tumblr crowd PREYED kids. So when you have mentally stunted people who think like Star Wars (oh let leave out the character we talked about in the DMs. They are a landmine) preferring the galactic emperor/first order over the rebellion/resistance means your a Nazi apologist

That's all not new, just worse than it used to be is all.

But seriously how the fuck I realize I had better moral compass at 13? Keep in mind I just got away from the bitch [stepmom] and still coping with my autism and adhd I was diagnosed with at 11.

You got lucky I'd say.

[demonicsaintess]

The Most Pointless Mob Psycho 100 S2ep3 Rant Ever

warning: there’s a bit of spoilers here

Hello hello it’s me again, Holy~

So I’ve been binging Mob Psycho 100, because everyone started suddenly talking about it, and being the nosey bitch that I am…. I needed to get to it. So, of course I did. I spent about an hour writing this. I wanted to get this right. Especially since I felt some if the parallels lined up with my personal life experiences. So, it’s time to cut the cake.

*note, stuff that can be casually skipped over, will be written in orange

Damn this episode was a doozy.

Season 2 Episode 3: One Danger After Another ~Degeneracy~

I love Reigan. I really, really fucking love Reigan. He cares for Mob and is honestly a good mentor to him, although he himself is shady. He is seen as the one who is emotionally shaping, and raising Mob. I have issues with the way Reigan has been going about it though; and I don’t feel like that’s an unfair accusation. Like, sure, during the first season, he goes from lightly manipulating Mob, to taking notice of the effect of the actions he is making Mob take. Now in the second season, it seems as though he has now acknowledged that whether he wanted to or not, Mob has come to take his words as law; and Reigan is now a father figure to him. Here is the growth path it seems to be going down in my opinion. Now, I’m just speculating, but this season’s going to be a huge awakening for Reigan, to the fact that he has probably been the unconscious catalyst for a considerable amount of emotional turmoil to Shigeo’s adolescence . It’s almost laughable how Dimple can see it before Reigan. Yes, it may be because of underhanded motives, but to be fair, isn’t Reigan also using underhanded tactics? On the other hand though, I also see Reigan starting to become more honest; even if he doesn’t stop scamming. (Come on, we all know Reigan is stupidly good at cons; we love a bad bitch okay? Girl boss??) But I don’t see this season going further than this aspect regarding Reigan.

Mob on the other hand, I believe he has learned something about himself, each time he has exploded.

So, a little backstory. Once upon a time there was a little girl back in the 90s, who was diagnosed in the early days of mental health awareness, with ADHD; and eventually ended up with a final diagnosis 20 years later, of bipolar and schizophrenia, Trust me when I say, it took YEARS for me stabilize, with medicine. It was hard, scary, and way too much to have to deal with through my adolescent years; and I had a good, caring support system. Okay, end of flashback (phew).

This season has eerily similar undertones to the struggles I had faced, okay, scratch that; it’s screaming in my face; the similarities are quaking, alright? The most ironic thing I can say about this is, it’s fucking puberty my guys! Right now Mob is what? 14/15? That’s a really sensitive age for kids. Not to mention, imagine having the unfortunate issue of WHEN you reach emotional overload, you black out, and destroy things. Many mental illnesses come with loss of memory to outbursts, and even black out rages or mental breaks. When I was a child, I’d get so emotionally stressed where I’d sort of “go to sleep,” and it’d end with me “coming to” with myself, or others hurt; sometimes both. Mob is essentially experiencing that.

Mob is dealing with his emotions getting bigger, as he’s starting to try to be PART of the world now. He’s still desperately trying to keep control in the way he was taught: bottle it up. He went from trying to deny himself it felt like. Almost as if he didn’t consider himself as… anything. Almost feeling unfortunately born, but not wishing to leave the loose support system he does have. Everything he has learned about being a good person, unfortunately came from Reigan. Let me make this clear, I’m not shitting on Reigan. I actually love him. THEREFORE, being honest, I have to also fault him. I will give him back his points though for the following reason:

I think, being at the age where I would have children, I feel Reigan’s rule of don’t fight humans, is the smartest option for Shigeo. Think about it; at the end of episode 3, what did he say? “If I were to ever use my power to eradicate a person, is there anyone who would be able to stop me?” That’s a pretty heavy thing to have to think of around 14 years old. Mob is struggling emotionally this season. I can already see him having a breakdown. I hate to just bluntly say this, but I just have a bad feeling on episode 3, that is just steadily growing more gnawing. I feel like Shigeo starting to voice his opinion, and slowly learning to make his own boundaries and realizing his own morals, is also becoming his “undoing” of sorts. Acknowledging and learning about your emotions, and how to healthily cope with them, is honestly probably the most irresponsible to think a 14 year old to manage perfectly. Therefore, requiring a 14 year old boy to deal with situations where he has to make permanent decisions by himself (think the family of ghosts and whether to exorcise them “for the customers.”), is asking for way too much. I for one, think its super fucked up that he has to even think for one second about something like this, over his FOURTEEN YEAR OLD LITTLE BOY FEELINGS. (Thanks a fucking lot REIGAN).

I have a lot of hope for Shigeo this season. Just like little reporter girl said, “Mob-kun needs to grow much, much more.”

Thanks for reading yet another review by

The Holy Villainess~

[intertexts-moving]

Hellooo man I'm back for more persona hihi

(Btw your blog doesn't show on anything for me, not feed, not activities) so I basically visit it a lot in search hihi

Anyway, got any updated theories or new character insights?

How are you feeling about Kasumi and Maruki(probably my Halloween costume)

How's akechi been treating you

hiiiii kass!!!!!! ohh my godd u were right futaba's palace is so fun... ive been meaning to dm u & shriek about it for like Days now unfortunately work + classes have been a bitch lately hhjsdkfd!!!

anyway i DO. i DO. i think my Biggest theory at this point is that igor + the velvet room are doing the classic "mentor who the protag assumes is good but is the twist big bad guy at the end who has to be defeated through the power he himself taught him" thing. that's my big conjecture i think at this point it would be wild to assume that the velvet room is just a skinned game mechanic with no plot relevance. if it is ill be mildly distressed.

kasumi i LOVE kasumi. shes so cute im obsessed with her. and also mildly concerned because i also thought akechi was a nice chill guy who didn't raise any red flags. and well ummm.

SAME GOES FOR MARUKI, ACTUALLY. i instinctively distrust him because i also distrust any given school therapist but like... he seems nice. he also makes me pause & hesitate a sec with all the shit about fixing someone's heart, being able to physically interface with that mental/emotional aspect. maybe he's just a chill guy with some interesting research!!!!! nevertheless!!! he's also giving me vaguely similar to akechi 'nice unassuming guy who sometimes has the feel that he Knows Too Much. although it would be insane if there was Another person who knew about the metaverse at shujin.

+AKECHI.... GOD. i cant stop thinking about the handful of conversations w/ the siu director about how Someone is doing really good about the phantom thieves. he has to be doing something else other than being a teen celebrity-- has to be doing something genuinely useful if he's still there. HATE that he's friends with sae. wondering how that's going to pan out re: the interrogation. also nevertheless even if he was just a kid celebrity id feel soo bad for him he 100% has license to kill. imagine being seventeen (eighteen? he's a year above akira, no?) & being famous & also asked genuinely intellectual and thoughtful questions about current events on live tv that u have to answer in a pleasing manner. + also HOW DOES HE KNOW. HOW. there's no fucking WAY that some gay little teenager just. FIGURED IT OUT on his own before anyone else. i know he knows. also oh my fucking god. aquarium date. sorry aquarium normal hanging out with the boys. can't get over the all his suspicious ass behavior. hate that im obsessed with him because i know like. Everyone is obsessed with him unfortunately he's such a compelling character.

[lemonriice]

for being such a dismissive little bitch i know it's p much just coz my dad grew up as the eldest son in a very machofeudal household. like the more stories i hear about his father the more i get it. but though he may not even realize , he's literally the typical parent that was like "ack [mental illness symtoms] isn't anything to worry about , i also experience that all the time!" <- clueless (my mom was like that too but was way more receptive to me going hey mom thats literally depression and adhd)

but though he may speak against it & he may not realize it, he's actually quite good with dealing with all the nd traits of his kids. maybe from experience, idk. he's the one who insisted my older brother be transferred to regular schooling, bc he quickly realized the monstessori style center he was in did not provide enough structure and routine for his hard adhd. he was the one who would tell me things like "dont want to get up to throw trash? always have a trashcan in arms reach." "always have a snack at your desk so you stop starving." "put your hamper right in your doorway since you shed all your clothes there." way way before i was even diagnosed with adhd. to him they were not 'adhd hacks', they were just reasonable courses of action. usually bc he was scolding me for leaving trash and clothes everywhere but hey these are still tips i bring with me to this day. i think about him every time i move the room's trashcan to my current location. like im thankful that though he was raised a certain way, he was still reasonable enough to be a reasonable father.

anyway i wonder how much like.. happier and well adjusted everyone would be if there were even a small % more of mental health awareness and destigmatization bc. imagine if adjusting for everyone's individual quirks and behaviors was that.. simple? he didnt see the mental illness bc tbh he at the time didnt really think much of it. he just saw the way we were and knew how to help. i think that's interesting