#THOSE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS STOP TREATING THEM INTERCHANGEABLY!!!!!! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jcwriting · 4 years ago

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Written in the Stars

summary ↬ being soulmates with a werewolf? pretty easy. being jungkook’s soulmate? the easiest thing in the world. there’s only one teensy tiny problem. he doesn’t want to fuck you.

pairing ↬ werewolf!jungkook x reader

genre ↬ soulmate!au, abo verse, fluff, angst, hurt/comfort (this is so fucking dramatic and for what)

word count ↬ 10.4k my hand slipped

warnings ↬ swearing, angst (but with a happy ending bc im a sappy bitch), jk is stupid in love (emphasis on stupid), mentions of violence (very brief and i don’t go into too much detail but just to warn yall), slight nsfw (sex is a big topic for like half of this but not sex is had...i know im shocked too), half of this is background info/setting up the story the other half is finally addressing the summary lolol, jk is kind of an asshole but he has reasons!!!!!

authors note ↬ hello lovelies! here’s a small little thing for you all (laughs in 10k word count). this has been sitting in my drafts for fucking ever and i just needed to get it out there and out of my hands. im thinking about writing a part two where the actual ~*/sex/*~ is had but im still on the fence about that. please let me know what you think! i literally crave your interactions so pls dont be shy,,,,,okay love you bye :)

(ps i was so close to naming this Rewrite the Stars but since this has absolutely nothing to do with The Greatest Showman i didn’t. but i was close,,,,so fucking close)

You always knew Jeon Jungkook was destined for great things.

It was written in the stars, your mother had told you after he had first stepped foot into your family-owned grocery store. Your mother didn’t have any special powers, she just had a thing for astrology. While you normally shrugged off her random proclamations about divine intervention and planetary alignments, you found that Jungkook was something you couldn’t ignore or chalk up as your mother’s latest tea leaf reading.

From the moment you set eyes on him you knew he was different. While your family held zero claim to any sort of mystical or magical inclinations, you were well aware of those who did. It was no secret that non-humans roamed the Earth in plain sight, even though it had taken humans eons to realize this. After years of savage wars and civil unrest, agreements had come into place and governing bodies were adjusted to accept the changes that had finally been made. But, this was all before your time. You were the generation that was born into the period of peace, the first children to not experience bloodshed before they could walk. The world you knew now was almost a complete one-eighty of what it had been.

Where before those who were not of human blood had to do everything they could to blend in, now could be free of the shadows. Your classrooms had both humans and non-humans in their rosters. Some of your teachers were hybrids. Curriculum expanded to teach humans about a world that had once been entirely unknown to them. One of your favorite teachers was a witch who regaled your tenth grade class with stories of goblin wars, wizard duels, and vampire covens. All tales that you had once thought were nothing but fiction were now anything but.

Which is why, the second Jeon Jungkook entered the grocery store that your parents owned and that you had worked at since you were old enough to speak in full sentences, you knew who he was. You didn’t even question it.

He was a werewolf. A powerful one. You could see it in the way he carried himself. The purposeful strides he took down the narrow aisles, the confidence in his broad shoulders. Humans weren’t nearly as sensitive as their hybrid counterparts but you also paid attention in your classes. Or, perhaps you were more aware than other humans. Never in your life did you have the issues other faced when meeting a non-human for the first time. You always knew who they were without them having to tell you. You just knew.

So, when Jeon Jungkook stepped up to your register with a bottle of water and some raw beef, you didn’t flinch. Didn’t bend under his dark gaze or shuffle your feet in an awkward attempt to break the silence. Instead, you flashed him your customer service smile and rang up his items. He didn’t say a word as he paid, barely sparing you a second glance as he strode out of the store.

“He’s going to be a great and powerful man,” your mother said in that feathery light voice of hers. “It was written in the stars.”

You couldn’t help but agree.

Jeon Jungkook came into your store everyday for the next month. He bought the same thing every time. A bottle of water and a package of raw beef. The only time he spared you any words was to say thank you or the occasional hello if the sun was shining. Usually, he was alone. Sometimes, he came with a few members of his pack. You liked those days. He smiled a little brighter and talked a little louder when they were around. Especially around Taehyung.

Then, after a month, he didn’t come in. Not for an entire week. From Monday to Sunday, you hadn’t seen a hide nor hair of him. A part of you was worried, so worried that you almost stopped Taehyung in the middle of the street to ask of Jungkook’s whereabouts before realizing how insane that made you look, the other part was chastising yourself for caring. Jeon Jungkook was a customer. Nothing more, nothing less.

The following Monday had come and you had finally stopped glancing at the sliding doors every five minutes. You no longer expected his commanding presence to rock your little world. Instead, you continued your day as if it had been any other. That was, until, Jeon Jungkook stepped through the entrance looking as if he was walking on air. It didn’t take a genius to figure out why.

“Did you have a good heat?” You asked when he stepped up to your register. Jungkook fumbled the water bottle he had been setting onto the conveyer belt before turning to stare at you.

“What did you just say?”

You didn’t shrink under his intense glare. “I was asking if you enjoyed your heat. Seems like you did.”

“How do you know I was in my rut?”

“Oh, is rut the correct terminology? Sorry, they always interchanged them in class, I was never sure what was appropriate.” You shrugged and rang up his items. “It was kind of obvious, though. You seemed pretty agitated about a week-and-a-half ago, then you disappear for a week, and now you’re back looking happier than ever. If it wasn’t your rut then I want to know where you went on vacation because that’s where I’m heading to next.”

Jungkook laughed. That almost made you jump out of your skin. You had never heard him laugh before. It was throaty, it was deep, and it was wonderful. “I’ll be sure to send you the link to the Airbnb.”

“And how do you plan on doing that?”

He smirked. “I’m here every day, aren’t I?”

You tilted your head as you accepted the cash he handed to you. “Clearly, you’re not that reliable.”

Jungkook laughed again. It was becoming your new favorite sound. “My apologies. I didn’t mean to appear flaky.”

“You’re forgiven,” you decided as you handed him the plastic bag of his purchases. Teasingly, you added, “just make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

He flashed you a smile that showed off his sharpened canines. “Don’t worry, darling. I never make the same mistake twice.”

Jeon Jungkook kept his promise. He showed up everyday, like clockwork. Bought the same thing. Arrived at the same time. The only thing that changed was how he treated you. It wasn’t that he treated you badly before, he had always been polite. But now, he talked to you. He asked you questions and answered yours. More often than not, he laughed.

(It had become your favorite sound.)

For three months, this continued. The two of you had settled into a comfortable routine, something you relied on and expected. Until, he changed that.

Until, Jeon Jungkook asked you out on a date.

“What did you just say?”

“Are you free? Tonight?” You glanced around, almost expecting to see some sort of supermodel posing behind you to explain the absolute absurdity of the situation. “What are you doing?”

“Looking for the hidden cameras. I think I’m getting Punk’d.”

Jungkook sighed and placed both hands on the counter that separated the two of you. “Look at me.” You did. Slowly and warily, but you did. “Does it look like I’m lying to you?”

Narrowing your eyes, you regarded him carefully. He seemed serious. But, then again, do you ever really know someone? “I don’t know. I’ve never actually seen you lie before so I wouldn’t know the difference.”

“Fine. Ask me what color my shirt is.”

“What color is your shirt?”

“White,” he deadpanned. You glanced down at his chest. His shirt was black.

“Jungkook!”

He threw his head back and released a full bellied laugh. Even in your exasperation you couldn’t help but soften a little. “I’m sorry, darling. I couldn’t help myself.” Annoyed, you huffed and spun to face the cash register. Stabbing your finger onto the touchscreen, you ignored Jungkook’s obvious presence on the opposite side of the counter. Until his hand reached around the card reader and grasped a hold of your chin. The warmth of his fingers forced your head to turn to meet his.

“Come to dinner with me.” His voice was nothing but a rumble in his chest, his eyes so black and all-consuming you couldn’t do anything but agree with him. He seemed pleased by your response as his fingers tightened against your skin and a grateful smile flicked past his lips. His gaze darted down to your mouth and your breath froze in your chest.

“Are you going to kiss me?”

Jungkook raised an eyebrow. “Do you want me to?”

“No.” You tried to shake your head but his grip didn’t allow you much movement. He was taken aback by your answer, a small frown tugging at his mouth. You quickly backtracked to fix the situation. “I don’t want our first kiss to be in a grocery store. That’s a new low that I refuse to reach.”

Jungkook chuckled and tapped your chin gently. “Alright, darling. I’ll pick you up at seven.”

Again, he kept his promise to you. He showed up at your parents house exactly at seven, wearing a button-down shirt and slacks. The tulips he had gotten for you was thrust into your hands the moment you opened the door. Flashing him a genuine smile, you hurried into the kitchen to set them in water while your mother grilled him on his birth time. You were quick to drag him away, practically throwing him towards the car as you waved goodbye.

“Sorry,” you sighed as Jungkook opened the passenger door for you. “She has a…thing for astrology. She’s probably creating your star map or whatever right now.”

“It’s okay,” he responded once he got into the drivers seat. “It’s sweet of her to care.”

You snorted. “She’s delusional is what she is.”

“So, you’re saying you don’t believe in astrology?”

“Do you?”

Jungkook shrugged as he pulled out of your dirt driveway. He looked so damn attractive behind the wheel it was honestly unfair. “Not really saying I do or don’t. All I know is that there are a lot of things out there that are out of our control. If believing in the stars and planets helps you gain some of that control back, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.”

“God, don’t talk like that in front of my mother. She’ll want to start dating you.”

He grinned and placed a hand on your knee. “Tell her I’m already taken.”

You didn’t get a chance to respond to that. Not that he didn’t give you one, it was just that you literally had nothing to say. With just one sentence he opened the floodgates of your brain and the amount of thoughts that were flying through your conscious was painful. Anxiety fluttered in your stomach and you pressed your lips together to keep you from word vomiting onto him. No, it was better to keep your mouth shut and let the moment pass.

By the time you reached the restaurant you were a trembling mess of nerves. Were you guys dating? You thought this was just a ‘testing the waters’ date, not a ‘you’re my girlfriend now’ date. Did you have to make it Facebook official? You hated that shit.

Jungkook didn’t comment on your obvious distress, though. He merely placed a hand on the small of your back, ignoring how you jerked in surprise, and led you into the quiet bistro. Nodding politely to the hostess who was practically panting at the sight of him (you honestly couldn’t blame her) and pulled out your chair for you. When he sat down, he started talking. Idle chat at first. Commenting on one of the dishes, asking about the college classes you were taking at your local university. Before you realized it, wine was in your glass and your shoulders were loose. Previous nerves forgotten, you lost yourself in Jungkook. You drank, you ate, you laughed, and genuinely enjoyed his company. Honestly, it was the best date you’d ever been on.

“I have to be honest with you,” Jungkook spoke after he finished his raw steak. “I have an ulterior motive for asking you here tonight.”

“Oh,” you mumbled around the shrimp you had just tossed in your mouth. “So…this isn’t a date?”

“No, it is,” Jungkook clarified quickly around a dry chuckle. He seemed…nervous. It put you on edge immediately. “This is definitely a date. And, also, more.”

“More? What, is this a proposal too?” You were joking. A 100% joking. But Jungkook was staring at you so seriously it made you panic. “Jungkook, if you get down on one knee here I swear-”

“I’m not proposing,” he assured you. “This is something more than that.”

“More?” You parroted. Jungkook sighed.

“Do you know what a true mate is?”

Right there, in that quaint little bistro, on a date with quite possibly the most untouchable man you’d ever met, he explained how you were irrevocably his. His true mate, his soulmate.

Jungkook explained everything in great detail, which you appreciated, because honestly, you had no words. He explained how when he was born, the witch who cared for him told his father that his future glared brightly ahead of him, but only when he met his other half. True mates were rare. Mating was common, the wolves in his pack could have multiple mates or a lifelong one, but true mates were destiny. Someone or something out there had forged the two of you together. You were essentially each others other half. He was made for you and you were made for him.

“But…aren’t true mates only for wolves? I thought it’s impossible for a human to be a true mate,” you asked in a shaky voice once Jungkook took a breath.

“It was supposed to be impossible. Until, I met you.” Jungkook stared at you with a sort of reverence that made your entire body blush. “I have no idea how you are. I’ve spent hours researching. I’ve consulted with members of my pack and others. No one knows why.”

“Are you sure, though? I mean…what if you’re wrong?”

“I’m not.” Jungkook shook his head. “I visited the witch right after I met you. She took one look at me and told me that I had finally found my true mate. She said she’d never seen a future so bright before.”

You had no words for that. For the first time in your life, you were speechless. Jungkook seemed to understand. He let you sit in silence as he paid for the bill and walked you out to the car. The drive back to your parents house was the same. You couldn’t speak. The shock rendered you stupid.

By the time Jungkook pulled into the driveway you still hadn’t spoken a word to each other. You stepped out of the car before he could open the door for you. Walking up to the porch steps in a trance, you didn’t hear him follow you until he clasped your wrist in his hand. Turning to face him, you were surprised to see his brown eyes so big. They practically sparkled in the moonlight and he looked so soft and sweet you nearly melted into the wood beneath your feet.

“Please,” he whispered. “Can you…just - are you okay? You’ve been so quiet. I’m worried I’ve scared you off or something.”

With that voice, it was impossible to deny him. So, you said the first thing that popped in your head. “Do we have to make it Facebook official?”

Jungkook stared at you before bursting into laughter. “Really? That’s all you have to say?”

You blushed and glanced down. “I’m just worried, that’s all. I can’t remember my Facebook password so even if you wanted to change it I don’t think it’ll work.”

“So that’s why you never accepted my friend request,” Jungkook teased. Before you could squeak out a response, he wrapped his arms around your waist and tugged you forward. You kept your arms crossed across your chest but let yourself fall against him.

“Don’t make fun of me,” you whined as you buried your face into his shoulder. He smelled so good, a mixture of pine and spice. “My brain hasn’t worked since you told me I’m yours, so bear with me.”

Jungkook chuckled and gently swayed you from side to side. “Does that mean you’re okay with this? All of this?”

Sighing, you lifted your head up and stepped away from him. Jungkook was not impressed and pulled you back to him. Your heart swelled in your chest and you wrapped your arms around his neck in consolation. “Honestly? I haven’t really processed anything. You’ve had your whole life to come to terms with this. I just found out thirty minutes ago that I’m someone’s soulmate. It’s a lot to take in.”

Jungkook nodded as he tapped his fingers against your hips. “I know. It’s a lot…I’m a lot. I just want you to know that you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to be with me. I won’t-”

Now it was your turn to burst into laughter. You couldn’t believe those words had left his mouth. It was easily the most absurd thing you’d ever heard. “Jungkook, I want to make something very clear. I have no problem being your true mate. That’s not the issue here. Well, there really isn’t an issue. It’s just…hard to believe, I guess. I have to process that this is my new reality.”

“Really?” Jungkook perked up and looked so fucking cute you couldn’t help but cup his cheeks. His skin was so warm despite the cold autumn air that surrounded you both. “You want to do this? Be with me? Be mine?” All you could do was nod. You were so overwhelmed with emotions. The shock was evident, but a piece of you was so happy. You felt whole.

Jungkook’s face split into a wide smile that caused his nose to scrunch up. He wrapped his arms around your waist and spun you around. Squealing, you slung your legs around his hips and held on. Normally, you’d rather die than show this much affection to someone. But, this was Jungkook. Your soulmate.

“So…what do we do now?” You asked once Jungkook set you down. “Is there, like, a ceremony or something?”

“I have no idea,” he admitted as he stared down at you. He had a hand against your jaw and was rubbing your cheek tenderly. “I really didn’t think I’d get this far.”

You scoffed at his ridiculousness. While recognizing you were Jungkook’s true mate was going to take some time, believing that he thought you’d deny him was utter nonsense. “What if…what if we date, first?” You suggested timidly. “I know that sounds kind of weird considering we’re supposed to be the loves of each others lives. But, I don’t really know you all that well. And, I think this is going to take sometime for me to get used to. Maybe we should date, get to know each other, and just learn how to be with one another.”

“Whatever you want,” Jungkook agreed. “We can do whatever you want. Just as long as I have you, I’m happy.”

Two years passed.

Two blissful, wonderful years. Two years of dating, two years of loving, two years of being Jeon Jungkook’s. It was everything you could’ve asked for and more. You had never felt so loved and cherished in your entire life. He respected you, he took care of you, and most importantly, he was there for you in every sense. Since the moment you met him, you hadn’t been alone. He hadn’t let you. Jungkook knew you better than you knew yourself.

And, it was the same for him. You were there for him when he transitioned into the leader of his pack. You were there when he took over the CEO position from his father and encouraged and supported him every step of the way. You let yourself be loved and in return he let you love him. It was wonderful.

Except, for one tiny thing.

While the emotional aspect of your relationship flourished and bloomed into something beautiful, the physical side remained stagnant. Make out sessions and heavy petting were a norm in your relationship. At first, it didn’t bother you. In fact, you loved that Jungkook was taking things so slow and so seriously. But, eventually, your needs began to grow. You found yourself wanting him in more ways than one, wants that only he could satisfy. Jungkook refused. Every time.

It wasn’t like he refused your every need. No, Jungkook was extremely attentive. When it came to himself, that’s when things got dicy. He had no problem spending hours between your legs, worshipping you until you were crying from the overstimulation. Yet, he wouldn’t let you anywhere near him. Not without lack of trying on your part. The minute your hands went down to his waistband, he pushed you away. Every time you tried to dip your mouth to the obvious bulge in his pants, he lifted you up and kissed you breathless until you forgot your name. It wasn’t until after a year of dating that he finally let you grind on his clothed cock. Even then, he held off until you finished and then walked out with quite possibly the worst case of blue balls. You hated that he did this to himself. The worst part was, you couldn’t understand why.

The one time you had brought it up to him it had resulted in the worst fight the two of you had ever gotten into. It was the only argument that was never really resolved. After the yelling and the tears, all you got out of Jungkook was that mating with a wolf was not pretty. It was extremely dangerous and he refused to put you in that kind of danger. End of discussion. No matter how hard you tried to persuade him or broach the subject, he shut it down. Hard. Eventually, you gave up.

He even spent his ruts away from you. Every three months, he left you for a week. You knew he had a place somewhere up in the mountains and you assumed that’s where he went. You had no idea. There was no point even asking to come along. You loved your boyfriend and didn’t want to purposely give him a heart attack. You hated it when he left. As much as you tried to hide it and convince him that you were just fine, he wasn’t stupid. Being away from him was tough. A piece of you was missing whenever he was gone. And you were only whole again when he returned.

This past week had been one of those weeks. He had left on Sunday for the mountains. He was agitated and clingy, how he normally was pre-rut. Jungkook wouldn’t let you leave his side and you spent most of the weekend on his lap or wrapped in his arms. Not that you minded. When he left your parents house on Sunday night, you’d had to coax him out of the door. Promising him that you’d be okay and that you’d see him next week. It wasn’t until several kisses later did Jungkook finally leave.

While you’d been doing this for two years, it never got easier. More manageable? Sure. But definitely not easier. All you could do was go through the motions. You went to work at the local bakery, came home and helped your mom with dinner, watched TV with your dad before going to bed. Taehyung and Jimin would visit often, threatened by Jungkook to keep you company. While you assured them it wasn’t necessary, you secretly didn’t mind. They made you laugh and made you temporarily forget your boyfriend was miles away from you. Sometimes, if you were lucky, he’d call you to tell you goodnight. But those times were rare. Normally, you didn’t hear from him until Friday or Saturday when he was finally coming out of his rut and returning to the world.

By the time Sunday rolled around, you were a jittery ball of nerves. Not in a bad sense. You were just excited. The anticipation killed you and it took all of your willpower to sit and wait for his text to tell you to come over. Your parents always left you alone on these Sundays, unable to deal with your hyperactiveness and constant fidgeting.

This Sunday was no different. You puttered around your room for the better part of the day. You spent the other part in the kitchen, baking like your life depended on it. Jungkook loved your cookies and you always made sure to come over with at least three batches after his ruts. He always said that was his second favorite part about coming home, after seeing you, of course.

You had just finished packaging the final batch in a glass cookie jar when your phone dinged. You didn’t have to read the message, you knew exactly what it said. Pure joy rushed through your system as you threw on your coat and shouted a hasty goodbye to your parents. Juggling the cookies and car keys, you sprinted to your car. The drive to Jungkook’s was thankfully not long. About ten minutes, as long as you didn’t hit any traffic on the main road. Luck was on your side, though, and you showed up at Jungkook’s house in eight minutes.

Taehyung’s car was in the driveway when you pulled up, which wasn’t odd. Although Jungkook owned the house, the members of his pack were almost always around. While most preferred to travel in their wolf forms, you knew Taehyung and Namjoon preferred cars. Something about being able to listen to their own music without comments from the peanut gallery. You didn’t really understand and didn’t really need to. You had just chalked it up as one of their many quirks.

Carrying the trays of cookies in both hands, you shut your car door with your foot before speed-walking up the stone walkway to Jungkook’s home. The screen door was shut, but the wooden door was swung wide open. You had just reached for the metal handle when you heard it.

A deep, threatening growl ripped through the peaceful quiet and froze you in place. You knew it was Jungkook. While you had only heard it once, you’d never forgotten it. It was when the two of you had attended a party and an alpha from a neighboring pack had cornered you in the hallway. Jungkook had found you cowered against the wall as the other alpha had caged you in. The sound that had left his chest had given you equal parts comfort and fear. Comfort, because he was there and you knew you were safe. Fear, because you could see in the way he bared his teeth and how his muscles vibrated, he had been furious and bloodthirsty.

That’s what you felt now, fear.

Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong.

From your vantage point in front of the screen door, you could see directly into the kitchen. Taehyung was leaning against the granite countertop and Jungkook was seated at the island. The tension was so thick you practically choked on it.

“Enough, Taehyung.”

“No,” Taehyung snapped, seeming just as angry as Jungkook. “I’m not dropping it. Not this time.”

“Yes, you will,” Jungkook snarled. “I’m not having this conversation with you.”

“Too fucking bad.” While Taehyung was also an alpha, he acted so much like a beta you never really noticed. Until now. “I’m not going to sit by and watch you do this to yourself anymore. Not spending your ruts correctly is only causing you more harm than good.”

“I’m doing things the way I want to, and it’s working-”

“The hell it is!” Jungkook growled at the interruption but Taehyung ignored him. “It’s not working, and you know it. Anyone with two fucking eyes knows it. It’s getting so bad that the pack is noticing, too. Even Namjoon has realized something is wrong, and he’s as oblivious as they come.”

“If they have a problem with me they can take it up with me.”

“No, they can’t. Because you won’t listen. Your head is so far up your ass you can’t even hear yourself anymore. What you’re doing right now is not working. Something needs to change.”

“Like what?” Jungkook spat.

“You know what,” Taehyung bit back. Jungkook was practically vibrating from rage. You knew you needed to go get someone, someone from the pack to calm the two of them down. Things were only escalating, but you couldn’t move. Your brain screamed at you to run but your legs were rooted in place. “That’s is what’s so frustrating, Jungkook. This, all of this, could be solved. She’s right there-”

“Don’t.” Jungkook stood up so fast the chair he sat on flew backwards and hit the wall with a resounding crack.

“Why?” Taehyung threw his arms up in the air. “Why not? I don’t get it-”

“Because I don’t want her!” Jungkook yelled, the force of it rang throughout the house. You had no idea who the she was that they were referring to. You assumed it was someone from the pack. It was well-known that wolves with human mates sometimes turned to other she-wolves to help with their ruts. You figured that’s what Jungkook did whenever he went away for a week. It had bothered you at first, but you knew he had his needs and that they were at a biological level. You refused to make him feel guilty or ashamed for taking care of himself.

“You don’t want her?” Taehyung was enraged. You could tell by the way he straightened his spine and unfurled himself to his full height. Jungkook bristled in response and the muscles in his back strained against the thin material of his shirt.

“No, I don’t!” Jungkook exploded. “What don’t you understand about that? I don’t want her around me. I don’t need her, I’m fine on my own. The thought of having her there when…God - it makes me physically ill.”

“She’s your girlfriend. Above all of that, your true mate. You’re seriously going to deny yourself of her, for what? Just because you don’t like having her around?”

Oh.

That’s when it hit you. They weren’t talking about some random she-wolf. They were talking about you. You were the one Jungkook didn’t want. You were the one Jungkook didn’t need. You were the one he didn’t like having around. As the weight of the words sunk into your mind, you felt your chest becoming tighter and tighter.

Then, you’re heart broke right in half. You dropped the container of cookies and didn’t flinch when it shattered against the wooden slats. The sound unstuck your feet from their position on the porch and your fight or flight system took over. Without a second thought, you turned on your heel and ran.

You didn’t know if anyone was behind you, you didn’t turn around to check. Hands fumbled for the car door as you threw yourself into the drivers side. Pain ricocheted throughout your chest cavity and you struggled to breathe. Your brain was blank, the only thing your mind did was move your body to get you somewhere safe. You had to leave and you had to leave now.

Miraculously, your fingers found your keys and inserted them into the ignition on the second try. A flutter of movement occurred to the left of you but your eyes didn’t let you look that way. Instead, they focused on the rearview mirror as you reversed out of the driveway. Your right hand found the gearshift and moved it to drive. Soon, you were tearing down the street as your ears refused to register the agonized howls that echoed behind as you kept staring forward. Adrenaline pumped through your system and your body shivered in response, the splash of hormones had created a blanket of fake calm over you. The emotions, the pain, the thoughts were swirling inside of you, ready to break free and drown you, but your brain wouldn’t allow it.

It wasn’t until you reached the end of your long driveway that you felt the original spike of adrenaline fade away. Your mother was in the front, tending to the flowers, and looked up when she saw your car fly into its usual spot. She stood up and her face twisted into a frown when you got out of your seat.

“Honey, your aura…it’s concerning.” The blanket was yanked away and the pain crashed over you.

You couldn’t say a word, all you could do was collapse in your mother's arms and cry, cry, cry.

It took you two days to calm down. The tears had stopped rolling and your shoulders no longer shook from trying to hold your sobs behind your teeth. Your mother hadn’t left your side, leaving your father to answer the door whenever someone knocked. The only person who did was Taehyung and Jimin. Jungkook never showed up.

Well, that was a lie.

Jungkook did show up every morning and night, without fail. But he never came to your doorstep. Instead, he was in the woods behind your house, patrolling, not daring to leave the protection of the forest. A part of you wondered if he was respecting your obvious need for space or if your mother had paid a witch to set up boundary lines that didn’t allow him to cross. Either way, you were grateful that you couldn’t see him. There was an incessant tugging in your heart to be near him but you staunchly ignored it, which would’ve been impossible if you saw his achingly beautiful face.

I don’t want her. I don’t need her. Having her there makes me physically ill. Those three sentences played in a constant loop in your head, like a horror movie you couldn’t escape from. You were the protagonist who couldn’t escape the maze, but the villain wasn’t kind enough to kill you off. No matter what you did, your brain wouldn’t stop repeating those three sentences. Your mother burned sage, she pressed crystals into your palms, she muttered ritual after ritual, but nothing worked.

You hated how affected you were. You had always told yourself that you would never be the girl who’d get so wrapped up in someone else they didn’t know who they were anymore. Independence was something you prided yourself on, but you seemed to be at a complete loss now. You couldn’t stop the waves of sadness and self-hatred at your depressed state. It was amazing how empty you felt yet so full of pain at the same time. Your mind and heart couldn’t seem to decide which hurt worse; your heart for having your soulmate so obviously reject you, or your brain for trying to make sense of the situation. When did this happen? How did this happen? How had you been so blind as to not see it?

“I don’t think we’re soulmates,” you rasped to your mom on the third morning. It had been the first words you had spoken to her since you had fell into her arms. She looked up from the bundle of herbs she was smoking.

“Why do you say that?”

You stared at your hands that had curled in on themselves. “I don’t make him happy. I-I never realized how uncomfortable I made him. I wish I had known. How did I miss it?”

Your mother tutted gently and gathered you in her arms. She smelled of lavender and wax. “This is good. I’m glad you’re letting yourself have this moment. Let’s sit in this and allow yourself to be embedded here.” But you didn’t want to have this moment. You didn’t want to have any moment and you’ve felt enough to last a lifetime. Instead, you rolled over, let sleep overtake you and tried to ignore the distant howling that rattled your window pane.

By nightfall of the fourth day, you were forced out of bed. Partly by choice, partly by force. Your parents had dipped out to run to the grocery store, despite your mother’s insistence that she could stay. You and your father managed to convince her to leave and you had gotten up to wave them goodbye. Sure, your heart was broken, but the least you could do was kiss them on the cheek before they left. You had turned around to shuffle into the kitchen to try and shovel something down your dry throat when a loud knock sounded at the front door. Hesitating, you carefully peeked through the kitchen window and saw Jimin on your front doorstep, dressed in all black.

Sighing, you stumbled over and pulled the door open. You figured you couldn’t avoid them for much longer. “Hey, Jimin.”

“Christ, you look like shit.”

You huffed out a laugh as Jimin stared at you in horror, not having the energy to be offended. You also knew, in a weird way, that this was Jimin’s way of caring for you. “Yeah. My mother’s covered all the mirrors in the house.”

Jimin nodded as he glanced at you from head to toe. “I want to ask if you’re okay but…” He gestured to your gaunt frame swaddled in a heavy sweatshirt and sweatpants. For the first time in two years, they were your own clothes, not Jungkook’s.

“I’m fine, Jimin,” you heaved a heavy sigh and leaned against the doorframe. “Do you want to come in? I think my mom boiled some tea not too long ago.”

Jimin shook his head. “Can’t. Jungkook would have a fit if I got that close to you right now. I’m already pushing my luck just by showing up.” He doesn’t care, you thought bitterly, and almost said it out loud but you caught yourself at the last second. Jimin wasn’t stupid, though. He knew what you were thinking. “Hey,” he murmured, eyes going soft, “are you ready to talk about it?”

“No.” You shook your head. A wave of sadness washed over you but the telltale prick of tears didn’t come.

Jimin understood. He tucked his hands into his pockets as he rocked back onto his heels. “Are you going to talk to him?”

Letting out a heavy breath, you crossed your arms over your chest. “I know I have to. I just…I just need time.”

“Take however long you need.”

It was another 48-hours before you finally snapped. While you had spent the majority of the two days that had passed to make yourself resemble a human being, you couldn’t focus. You couldn’t move on. Why?

Because Jungkook wouldn’t leave you alone.

His presence was constant. He circled your house every hour of ever day, the large shadow of him in wolf form darkened the trees behind your house. The howling had stopped but the pacing hadn’t. You hoped he was at least sleeping, but then you got annoyed at yourself for caring. You didn’t know why he was out there, it made no sense. Jungkook’s words were so different from his actions it made your head spin.

But, you needed to move on with your life. You had to. The only way it was going to happen was if Jungkook did too. It hurt. God, did it hurt. Yet, as sad and utterly pathetic as it sounded, you were used to the pain at this point, had resigned yourself to it. A part of you worried you wouldn’t know what to do without it.

Shaking off that depressing thought, you tugged on your rain boots and stepped outside for the first time in a week. The air was heavy with the promise of rain, the clouds low and gray. You tugged the hood up on your sweater to prevent your hair from completely frizzing out before you walked to down the back deck steps.

The backyard of your parents house was expansive. The home you had grown up in sat on top of a sloping hill that your mother had turned into her personal greenhouse. You stepped past rows of raised garden beds and pruned plants until you reached the line where the neatly mowed grass met the twisted ferns of the forest floor. As you had suspected, the ground was scorched with the evidence of past rituals. While your mother hadn’t out right admitted, you had figured someone had come and created a boundary line. It was obviously specific to Jungkook since Jimin and Taehyung were still able to visit. While your mother’s methods were extreme, you understood. As difficult as it was to move on with your life with Jungkook sequestered to the forest, you couldn’t imagine what it would’ve been like if he was within a few feet of you.

With a deep inhale, you sat down on the damp grass and waited. After a few minutes, you could hear the faint sounds of paws hitting the wet earth. The galloping got louder and louder until there was a momentary stretch of silence before it changed to footsteps.

When Jungkook emerged from the trees, you weren’t prepared. Although you knew you wouldn’t be, you still weren’t expecting it to hurt this bad. Your chest squeezed painfully at the first look of his broad form. Technically, it had been two weeks since you two had truly seen each other, the longest you’d ever gone. What hurt the most was how badly you longed for him. You wanted nothing more than to run straight into his arms, bury your face into his chest, and forget everything. Just forgive and give your heart what it wanted. But you remained firmly in place.

Jungkook looked as if he had seen a ghost. Which, to be fair, was probably true since you hadn’t seen the sun in seven days. His normally golden skin was pale and even from where you sat you could see the dark circles bruising under his eyes. Clearly, he hadn’t been sleeping. You hated that you noticed. You hated that you cared. He was dressed in all black and his chest strained against the material of his sweater. His hands were balled into tight fists at his side and the sight reminded you of why you were here.

“Hi.” Probably wasn’t the best start but it was the best you could do. Jungkook didn’t respond so you soldiered on. “I-I know you don’t want to be here, so I’ll make this quick. I just…wanted to apologize. I had no idea I made you so uncomfortable. I’m not sure how long you’ve felt this way about me, not that it really matters, but I wish you had told me sooner. Maybe things would’ve been easier for you, who knows.” You released a heavy sigh and tried to shove down the stone in your throat as you forced the next words out of your mouth. “But, all of that doesn’t matter anymore. I think I understand what you need, now. I know you loved me at one point, but I’m obviously not what you need anymore. And…t-that’s okay - I swear it is. All I want is for you to be happy, Jungkook. And I think, in order for that to happen, I need to move on. We both need to move on-”

“Stop it,” Jungkook broke in with a harsh voice that cut your sentence in half. “Stop talking.”

It felt like he had slapped you in the face. A wave of humiliation washed over you and you visibly flinched. Staggering to your feet, you locked your gaze onto your boots in an attempt to hide the tears that dripped down your nose. “I’m sorry,” you whispered, not expecting it to change anything. You began to turn away but Jungkook stopped you in your tracks, again.

“Wait, no - stop. Stop. Please…don’t go,” he pleaded. When you turned around, his eyes were frantic. Jungkook’s hand was raised from his side as if he thought about reaching out to you but something stopped him. His words were at war with one another and you were caught in the middle, at a loss for what he was trying so desperately to convey to you.

“Jungkook, I’m so confused.”

“I know. I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry.” Jungkook tucked his head into his hands before dropping down into a squat. “This is all wrong. This is all so wrong.”

You knew you should walk away. You had said your piece, it was time to move on, just as you had said. Yet, you couldn’t. It was as if your heart was tethered to him and your body couldn’t handle the pain of walking away. “Listen-”

“I don’t know what to do.” He cut you off but the bubbles of anger that had risen from being interrupted popped once you saw how lost he looked. His tattooed fingers threaded through his hair, allowing you to see the pure anguish that twisted his features. “Whenever I feel like this, I come to you. Because you always know what to do. Any situation, no matter what, you can handle it. It’s something I’ve always admired about you.”

The way he spoke to you now, so reverently and so full of awe, made your head spin. Nothing made sense. It was such a blatant contrast to the brutality that he had spat out a week ago. As much as you wanted to believe what he said now, those stupid words could not get out of your head. It was a constant reminder that never shut up.

“I don’t know what to do either,” you admitted in a quiet voice.

“Tell me,” Jungkook begged, as if he couldn’t and refused to comprehend what you had just told him. “Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it. Whatever you want from me, I’ll give you.”

You were shaking your head before he could finish. “There’s nothing you can do, Jungkook. Nothing.”

“Don’t say that.” He stared at you, horrified. “Don’t say that to me. Please, there has to be something.”

“What could there be?” You cried. Tears streamed down your cheeks now. “You said it yourself, being near me makes you sick. Why would I stay? Why would you want me to? I refuse to make you uncomfortable anymore - so that’s that.”

“It isn’t,” Jungkook argued back. “It can’t be. I-I can’t lose you, I can’t. I need to make this right, please just let me. Please.”

But, you were tired. You were so fucking tired. You were exhausted of the emotional rollercoaster that you were on that you just wanted to crawl away and hide. All the fight seeped out of you as your shoulders slumped forward. Jungkook saw this and the blood drained from his face. You were giving up, he could see it, and it scared the shit out of him.

“Jungkook, I need to go, okay? I-I can’t do this.”

“No!” Jungkook shouted and shot up to his feet. The pure panic that choked his voice brought on a fresh set of tears that you struggled to hold back. “Just let me explain, okay? I swear to God, after you hear what I have to say, if you still want me to, I’ll let you go. I won’t fight you on it. But, please let me tell you the truth. Give me a chance to make this right. You deserve that.”

You hesitated for a moment. Deep down, you knew you should let him talk. Not because you necessarily thought he deserved to, but because he was right. You did deserve the truth, no matter how much it broke your heart. With a heavy sigh and a quick swipe of your cheeks, you nodded. Once Jungkook was sure you weren’t going to leave, he began pacing. Looking every bit like the wild animal you knew him to be but never got to see.

“Mating with a werewolf is…brutal. It’s intense, it’s painful and it isn’t pretty. It’s essentially a breeding session where I use you as a vessel to fulfill my innate biological needs. It’s not romantic, it’s not gentle. Even for she-wolves it can be too much. The thought of subjecting you to something like that - that type of pain…I couldn’t fathom it. I don’t think you understand just how precious you are to me. The image of you being battered and bruised because of me, something I did…it tormented me, day and night.” He paused for a moment, the pained look in his eyes made you shiver. You hated that he had gone through all of this turmoil on his own, and you especially hated how you never made more of an effort to try and relieve him of it.

“I couldn’t do it. That’s partially the reason I waited so long to tell you that you were my true mate. I knew ruts were something I would never expose you to even though it’s such a huge part of my life, a wolf’s life.” Jungkook looked you straight in the eye, the intensity of his dark gaze took your breath away. “I know the practices other wolves partake in when their own heats or ruts arrive. I know you know them too. But, I need you to understand something. The moment you allowed me to be yours and vice versa, I haven’t had anyone else since. I swear on my life, I’ve spent every single one of my ruts alone. I wouldn’t and I won’t do that to you.”

“Isn’t that painful, though?” Your voice cracked but neither one of you acknowledged it. While your knowledge on ruts were expansive, having done plenty of research since being with Jungkook, you had obviously never experienced one.

“It’s manageable. It’s way more painful for a she-wolf to go through her heat alone than it is for a male.” Jungkook clenched and unclenched his fists as he resumed his pacing. “The worst part is being away from you. I’ve been going through ruts since puberty, I can handle them. But not being able to be with you for a whole week…I hated it. Still do. I dread that three month mark. And as time went on, I became more and more miserable. Being apart from you was almost unbearable but the other option…I never even allowed myself to consider it.

“It came to the point where the pack was noticing. I wasn’t getting the proper pheromonal release from my ruts and it was beginning to affect those around me. Taehyung has been on my ass for months now to get over myself and take you with me during my next rut. Each time I’d give him some excuse, but it was getting harder and harder to justify what I was doing. At first, I was convinced it was because I was protecting you. But you’ve been so understanding and so patient with me and my life, those excuses were becoming useless. Eventually, I think it was because I was protecting myself. I was - am - so scared. I’m terrified that I could hurt you when I’m like that. That I wouldn’t be able to notice or worse, ignored, if something happened to you. Living with that type of fear became debilitating. So, I just kept my mouth shut and kept you away from that part of me.”

Jungkook shook his head and chuckled humorlessly. “Now I know that was the worst possible thing I could do. That I was just hurting you more. What you walked into last Sunday was a culmination of my frustrations that I was refusing to deal with. While it’s not a valid reason, I’m well aware of that, I need you to know that what you heard was not the truth. It couldn’t be further from it. Because the truth is that I’m hopelessly in love with you and the thought of being without you hurts worse than I ever thought was possible.”

It wasn’t the first nor would it be the last time that Jungkook left you speechless. It took you a full minute to process what he had said. Jungkook granted you the silence although he became increasingly more agitated as time passed. His boots scuffed the dead leaves that littered the ground and his pacing led him closer to the ashes that lay before your feet. Then, he’d suddenly stalk off with a growl as he was forced to keep away.

“I-” you cleared your throat around the lump that had found a home there. “I had no idea. This whole time…I thought it was because you didn’t want me.”

“God, no.” Jungkook swore heavily as his muscles bunched and coiled beneath his clothes. “The - the fact that…you - fuck. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. That’s not it, that’s not it at all. You’re my dream girl, you’re the love of my life, and I want you every second of every day.”

Maybe it’s because you were emotionally drained and had no mental strength left. Maybe, you needed to hear those words from Jungkook more than you realized. Whatever the reason was, it wasn’t worth trying to figure out an explanation as you sunk to the ground and burst into tears.

Jungkook lost it across from you. Broken whines stained the air as he carded through his hair anxiously. He kept trying to get to you, to try to soothe you. But the boundary was unfortunately doing its job and each attempt was met with failure. Curses were spat out until eventually, he got as close as the boundary would let him and fell to his knees. He began spewing whatever came to mind first, unsure of what to do. All he knew was that you were crying because of him and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. He thought hearing you cry from your bedroom window was torture, but nothing could compare to hearing you break down in front of him. Nothing. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m sorry…please, I’m so sorry. I - don’t cry, darling. Please don’t. I’m so sorry I hurt you, I didn’t mean to, I swear.”

It wasn’t tears of heartbreak that leaked from your eyes. Instead, it was tears of relief. While your heart had wholly accepted his words as the truth, the logical part of you reminded yourself that the two of you had way more talking to do. This was far from over, but the relief of knowing that he loved you and he was yours…it was indescribable.

You finally lifted your head up and were shocked to find Jungkook’s cheeks glistening with moisture. Your only thought was to comfort him as you scrambled forward to do just that. Instead of feeling his smooth skin against the palm of your hand, you were blocked by what felt like a wall although nothing stood in your way. Frowning, you realized with a start that the boundary worked both ways. Jungkook let out a frustrated growl as he glared at the ashes that was stopping both of you from getting what you wanted. It was silent for a few moments until an idea popped into your head.

“Wait here,” you announced before jumping up and taking off for the house. Ignoring Jungkook’s distressed cry, you ran inside. You yanked your car keys off from their designated hook and quickly typed out a text to your parents to let them know where you were going before spinning around and sprinting back outside. Jungkook was where you left him, although he stumbled to his feet when he saw you reappear.

“I’m going to your house,” you announced, breathless. “No witch is stupid enough to go that far into werewolf territory. If you want to talk to me there, then follow me.”

Jungkook stared at you for a heartbeat until the words you spoke clicked. “Y-yeah. Yes. Okay. I’ll be there.”

With a curt nod, you ran to your car. For the first time in a week, a faint sprout of hope bloomed in your chest.

It was the longest and shortest ten minutes of your life. The drive to Jungkook’s seemed to last a lifetime but also was over within a blink of an eye. The tears had stopped flowing by the time you pulled your car into his driveway, but you felt the telltale prick in your eyes when you saw him burst from the trees. Your heart ached as his long legs ate up the distance between you two as you wrestled with your seatbelt and threw the car into park. By the time you freed yourself, he was at the hood of your car.

The two of you stared at each other for a few breathless moments. You weren’t sure who moved first, but it didn’t matter as you crashed into each other’s arms. The moment his searing warmth enveloped you, you dissolved into another puddle of sobs. The feeling of his thick arms banded across your back, his torso molded to yours, and his hair tickling your ear, felt so right. Another wave of crippling relief washed over you and you practically melted against Jungkook. But he held you up, just like he always had.

He leaned against the front bumper while his hands were everywhere. Cradling your head into his neck, smoothing over your hips, or running circles over your shoulders. He was crying, you could feel the tears dampening your hair. But you were soaking his shirt so no one was in any position to complain.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered.

“Don’t,” Jungkook hissed fiercely as he squeezed you tighter. “Don’t apologize. This isn’t your fault, not in the slightest.”

“Kook,” you sighed and pulled your head back to get a good look at him. “It takes two to tango.”

“Not this time,” he argued. “You’ve put up with so much. You’re everything I could’ve asked for and more. It was my own fears that got in the way and created this mess. And I’m so sorry for that, darling. I’m so fucking sorry.”

You shushed him gently, running your thumbs over his cheeks to swipe at the dried tears. “I know you’re sorry. I believe you.”

Jungkook dipped his head further into your touch with a pleased rumble vibrating through his chest. He kissed your palm gently, sniffing at your wrist. It made you giggle. “Missed that,” Jungkook mumbled as he stared at you with stars in his eyes. “Missed you. Missed you so much.”

A fresh wave of tears cascaded down your cheeks. You were positive that you looked like a mess, hair in a knotted bun, face red and puffy and you kept sniffling every two seconds. But Jungkook looked at you as if you held the world in your hands. “Missed you too,” you murmured in return. “Please, next time, just talk to me. I may not have the answers you’re looking for all the time, but I’ll always be here to listen.”

“I know,” Jungkook whispered. “There won’t be a next time, promise. If I happen to be stupid enough to put us in this position again, I give you full permission to punch me in the face.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” You lifted yourself onto your toes to brush your lips against his, dropping back down to your feet when his head chased after yours. “Or maybe I just won’t kiss you for a week.”

Jungkook’s eyes widened comically and he actually looked terrified. “I’d rather you just punched me in the face.” You tilted your head back and laughed. Jungkook tugged you closer and nosed your throat before peppering gentle kisses along the exposed skin. Sighing happily, you tilted your head to allow him better access and rested your cheek on his shoulder.

“I love you,” you said quietly. Jungkook froze for a split second before he sank against you. Squeaking in shock, you scrambled to brace yourself against the sudden weight pressing you towards the house.

“Say it again,” Jungkook pleaded. You couldn’t deny him. Dusting feather light kisses to the shell of his ear, you repeated those three words again, and again, and again. Each time you did, Jungkook held you a little tighter and cried a little harder.

Eventually, you’re murmured promises became softer and softer until the two of you just enjoyed each others presence. “C’mon,” you finally whispered as you started to lift yourself off of him. Jungkook growled and refused to let you move an inch farther. “Kook, come on. Let’s go inside. Your ass must be numb by now.”

“Don’t care,” he grumbled but he at least shuffled forward a bit more so that your combined weight wasn’t squashing his ass against your car.

“You might say that now, but you won’t be saying that later.”

Jungkook grunted at your logic but he at least raised his head and looked at you with the sweetest eyes. “Please tell me you’re staying.”

Giggling, you asked, “do you want me to?”

“Obviously,” he scoffed. “I want you here forever.” Jungkook tilted his head thoughtfully. “Actually, you should just move in with me.”

Christ, this boy was going to give you whiplash. You couldn’t help but laugh. “Jungkook, we just made up. The whole reason we were in this mess is because of poor communication. Don’t you think we should work on that first before anything else?”

“But…we could work on communication all the time if we’re together 24/7.” Despite his pout, you knew he wasn’t totally serious. Although you were sure it was going to come up again.

“Alright, you maniac,” you said fondly. “Take me to bed.” Jungkook’s chest rumbled happily as he lifted you up and wrapped your legs around his trim waist.

It wasn’t a long walk to his bedroom, but the exhaustion of the past week caught up to you and the gentle rocking of his steps lulled you into a serene state. Not quite asleep, but not quite awake either. You were aware when Jungkook placed you on his bed, practically engulfed in his scent. The last thing you remember before falling asleep was the words Jungkook pressed into your hair has he slid in behind you.

“Love you forever, my darling girl.”

©jcwritings Do not repost, translate, or use my stories without my permission.

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bigskydreaming · 3 years ago

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what are dick's love languages?

Y'know, I do think a lot of the usual suspects do apply here, like he is a tactile person, he does like verbal affirmation of feelings, both giving and receiving.....but one that I see as fairly unique to him, is like, I think trust is one of his love languages in a way that's a little tricky to explain but makes total sense in my head, lol.

I THINK I've written a whole post about that already, it was one where we were talking about Dick having/needing flaws and I was going on about how narrative flaws don't have to be inherently negative, they just need to sow conflict, and one of the examples I raised was that I feel like trust is one of Dick's love languages, and so back in the early years with Bruce, the fact that Bruce seemed to trust Dick so completely, not just in the usual senses but also trust IN Dick to be capable of the things Dick did as Robin, much like his parents had put their faith in him from a very young age, that he was capable of doing all the things he ultimately came to be capable of on the trapeze....like I think that sort of total and complete trust goes hand in hand for Dick, because for as long as he can remember, that and unconditional love were a packaged deal. He never had one without the other, so they were kinda one and the same.

And initially with Bruce, this just got reinforced albeit without either of them realizing it, because Bruce might not have been quick to say I love you or hug Dick, but he demonstrated the same total faith in Dick and what he was capable of that Dick had received from his parents, BUT very rarely anyone else in life, like a marked difference from the way people outside of his two family units treated him. And for a long time, this WORKED for them, but the problem in never realizing what trust meant to each of them and how it could be so similar but yet so different, like.....the problem was, as long as Dick HAD that kinda unconditional faith in him that Bruce showed early on, he didn't NEED the verbal or physical affirmations of affection as much. He had this at least, and it said 'I love you and trust you' in a language Dick unconsciously understood.' But then seemingly take that trust AWAY, such as when Bruce fired him and seemingly had no faith in Dick's skills or competence after years of putting total trust in them, like....even though the issue was never that Bruce stopped loving OR trusting Dick, WITHOUT the verbal and physical cues as to how Bruce felt about Dick, and without the reassurance of longer lasting ties than just his original wardship, suddenly to Dick it might have looked like Bruce literally just DIDN'T care anymore, that for whatever reason, he'd lost Bruce's faith in him, and his love at the same time.

And meanwhile from Bruce's side of things, the issue was always just his fear of losing Dick and letting his own trauma and issues get the best of him and come between them.....BUT in addition, like, assuming trust works as one of Dick's love languages, then for years it'd been quietly existing as a stand-in for all the other more usual displays of affection. But if Bruce didn't realize the significance of Dick knowing that he had someone's total trust or at least faith IN him, not necessarily like that he was right about everything, it isn't like an oh I think this kid never makes a mistake thing, its more a I fully believe that you're capable of overcoming this issue before you and every other one after it kinda thing....

Like, if Bruce never had reason to fully grasp just how much the trust inherent in their partnership as Batman and Robin like, made UP for the lack of other plainly evident displays of how he felt, so that Dick didn't need those things from him that much as long as he had THIS, instead.....

Then of course he'd by extension, just, totally miss that a huge part of the divide between him and Dick was that WITHOUT Bruce knowing to make up for the lack of plainly evident trust between them and compensate for the shake-up there with OTHER kinds of reassurance as to how he felt about him, Dick wasn't JUST reacting to the idea that Bruce no longer trusted his capabilities as Robin and then Nightwing. That it actually went much deeper for him, in ways Dick probably himself has never fully verbalized. That it shook the very foundations of their relationship, and Dick’s confidence that they even HAD one, because the entire relationship had pretty much from the start been ROOTED in that foundational bedrock that was Bruce’s seemingly complete and total faith in Dick and what he was capable of, so reminiscent of what he’d had with his parents, and the first hint he’d had of anything LIKE that with anyone since them, or even the first spark of hope that he ever COULD have something similar to that again. And which again, he DID for a time have.....and he never truly lost it, its just having not prioritized growing other support pillars for their relationship that didn’t revolve around the Batman and Robin partnership, too much of their relationship had rested on that partnership’s existence, had basically NEEDED it, to shore up the gaps in other aspects of their relationship.

And I argue that you can see other instances of this pattern with other characters as well. Like, in complete reversal of Bruce not realizing the disconnect between he and Dick because of their differing love languages, it could easily be posited that this was a problem with Dick and Tim after the Robin thing as well. Because see, if Dick was trying to learn from Bruce's mistakes specifically, to project himself into Tim's shoes and use what Dick knew from his OWN past experiences....Dick would have run into the exact same problem as Bruce, just from the opposite angle. Because see, for as long as Dick has known Tim, he's made supreme efforts to show Tim that he sees him and appreciates him OUTSIDE of Robin just as much as in the mask. He's always made a point to hammer home that his brotherhood with Tim may have originated with Robin, but it was never conditional on it, and in contrast to how reserved Bruce often is with him, Dick made SURE to express his affection for Tim in all kinds of plainly evident ways, for as long as he'd known him.

So then, see, if Dick on some instinctive level pairs unconditional love and trust on equal footing, like he never really has one without the other because all the people he loves are people he trusts with his life, literally, and vice versa.....by the same token that had him once upon a time fear that Bruce no longer loved him, because it seemed Bruce no longer trusted Dick, and in Dick's eyes you couldn't truly have one without the other......THEN the reverse of that, in order to try and make sure that his siblings always KNOW that Dick loves and values them.....Dick tried to always make sure that was a priority.....BUT neglected to consider that love/trust aren't as innately interchangeable for other people as it is for him.

So on a gut level, it might have never really even OCCURRED to him that Tim might see that as Dick no longer trusting in his overall capabilities (even if Dick didn't believe him about Bruce, believing IN someone doesn't actually mean you have to think they're right about every single thought or idea they have, and just because Dick had doubts about that doesn't mean those ever translated for HIM as doubts IN Tim, the person, the brother, what he was capable of, his overall capabilities and competence and heroism).

But like, you see what I mean? Bruce underestimated the impact that seemingly no longer having Bruce's full trust would have on Dick, and not knowing to buttress that shift in their dynamic with compensating displays of his feelings in other love languages that Dick recognized.....he also made Dick doubt he still loved him.

In contrast, and likely in his very attempt TO avoid repeating the same mistake, as HE saw it from HIS eyes....Dick always made sure to express his love for Tim at every possible opportunity.....and so BECAUSE he was so consistent in expressing his feelings there, HE failed to buttress the shift in his dynamic with TIM, and didn't prioritize showing Tim he still trusted him and had faith in him in other ways....because by virtue of how closely Dick links love and trust, it would totally make sense in his mind that well, how could Tim NOT think Dick still has total faith in him, when he had all this evidence that Dick loved and valued him REGARDLESS of Robin and always had? Why would not being Robin take away that trust, when Dick had always made sure to reinforce his faith in Robin with verbal affirmations of loving his little brother?

But like, even though I think his first parents were always affectionate with Dick in a variety of ways, I do think it all goes back to that root, like, FAITH that you have to show in a kid, make a kid BELIEVES he has, on every single level.....in order to learn to do the things Dick did from a very early age. Flying was a family thing, only family could do it, and thus flying, and all the trust that went into making it possible, into helping each other achieve it as a GROUP.....like, it all added up to love, in Dick's experience. There'd never been any NEED for him TO separate the one from the other and mark a distinction. And even when he ended up in Gotham, he and Bruce had issues connecting at first, with them only really gelling once Dick became Robin....at which point, this is when Dick probably started to BELIEVE he could trust this man when he said he cared about him....because he wouldn't be so willing to put his full faith in Dick and what he was capable of, when everyone else Dick encountered had nothing but doubts to show him.....like, in Dick's eyes, Bruce couldn't possibly put the trust he had in their partnership of Batman and Robin if he DIDN'T care, right? Because that's a family thing. That's what that level of intimate trust and faith in each other MEANS, to Dick.

And then when that seemingly went away, Dick floundered, because it ALL seemingly went away at once....you take away the one, you can't possibly still keep the other, that's not how it works. Which is why its so important to him to always make sure everyone else in his family knows just how he feels about them, with words and actions, because that way the heartache he'd felt when he was younger and doubting his place in Bruce's heart would never repeat with them, hopefully....because as long as Dick was showing them his affection at every opportunity, how could they doubt his total trust in them, his family, at the same time?

Anyway, like I said, I definitely think I wrote a whole post about it before so I'm gonna go and try and find that instead of getting into all that here for a second time. Because that's definitely not what I already did. Nope, this was just me making a quick summary of my thoughts on this matter as a placeholder while I went hunting around for that other post that I can reblog so that I don't have to expound on this idea in depth a second time. Since that would be silly of me. So I obviously did not do that. Yeah. So.....anyway.....

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carewyncromwell · 4 years ago

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Cinderelly, Cinderelly, night and day, it’s Cinderelly~... ^.^ Okay..before I jump into the next part of the Cinderella AU, here’s your usual appetizer of random historical/etc. notes!

Although carriages were developed centuries earlier, actual coaches like the kind we think of from Cinderella stories were first developed in the late 16th century in Hungary, specifically a little town called Kocs. (The word “coach” and its alternatives in other languages, such as the German Kutsche and the Spanish and Portuguese coche, are thought to have been derived from the Hungarian kocsi, meaning “of Kocs.”) They then really caught on in the rest of Europe after Queen Elizabeth I of England started using them in the 1580s. The terms “coach” and “carriage” are often used interchangeably, but if one wanted to pin-point the advancements coaches specifically made in contrast to carriages of the past, there are a few differences one can pick out in how they’re built. Coaches generally are four-wheeled enclosed vehicles with doors and/or windows (glass was added in later centuries), and often include a “boot” seat on the outside for a footman and/or luggage to sit on. Coaches also generally have a reputation for providing a smoother ride than previous modes of transport because they’re suspended between the wheels rather than directly over or beside them. After the invention of the coach, one can find carriages (royal ones, in particular) adopting some of these same attributes.

Sadly wheelchairs really weren’t a thing in the 16th century. The first self-propelled wheeled chairs were developed in the mid-17th century and refined in the 18th, with sedan chairs or litters (A.K.A. chairs you carried) generally being used by the nobility prior to that. But there’s no way in Hell I’m not going to give McNully the independence he deserves, so I used a completely anachronistic design inspired by this antique wheelchair I found online, made circa around the 1840′s. Hey, this is a fantasy world anyway, so bleh. :P The flower detailing on the wheel is supposed to evoke an emblem I see being on Florence’s green and gold coat of arms (get it? “Florence?” “Flora?”). You might also notice that McNully has little Snitch-like “wing” frills on each of his buttons! XD

Another fun thing I learned while doing research -- although cloaks were often worn for warmth during the medieval period and beyond, in England during the Elizabethan era, their use was actually actively discouraged and even prohibited, as they were associated with criminals and rebels! Therefore it was common for a lot of English noblemen and women to wear thicker clothing made of wool and accessories like muffs, gloves, and even jackets for warmth instead. I tried very, very hard to find historically accurate examples of period-worthy jackets and capes for women around the time of the Renaissance, and was very frustrated to find a lot of fantasy-esque costume pieces or historical clothing from later eras that were simply mislabeled -- but I did find one lovely recreation of a 16th century wool jacket, so that’s what I used as reference for Carewyn’s jacket in this sketch, though I personally imagine it as a dark red, so as to better blend with her burnt orange and beige servant’s uniform. Bill’s uniform is based off a real castle guard uniform from early 16th century France, though with a much simpler color palette (I see Royaume’s colors being blue and red). Like with McNully’s chair, there’s a crown on the chest of Bill’s uniform, which I see being on Royaume’s coat of arms (“royaume” is literally French for ��kingdom”).

In her canon, Carewyn was born when Jacob was nine years old. Although in most of Carewyn and Jacob’s canon post-Portrait-Vault, they end up being only two years apart in age, that’s only because Jacob stopped aging while trapped in a Portrait for seven years. From Carewyn’s fifth year on, Jacob and Carewyn in canon therefore act much more like contemporaries, even though Jacob actually kind of ended up partially raising Carewyn alongside their mother Lane.

Previous part is here – whole tag is here – Katriona “KC” Cassiopeia belongs to @kc-needs-coffee and I hope you all enjoy! xoxo

x~x~x~x

Every day over the next week, Carewyn met Orion at the gate of the palace of Royaume, and the two would spend an hour or so together. Orion would ask her about life at the palace, Carewyn would playfully respond, and sooner or later, they’d end up getting diverted and talking about something else completely, whether the upcoming Winter Festival, the language of flowers, art, poetry, the meaning of life, music, fencing, or (after seeing a rather beautiful eagle flying overhead) what it might be like to fly. Carewyn honestly wasn’t entirely sure what Orion got out of their meetings besides entertainment, and naturally she couldn’t afford to indulge in such entertainment too long, when she had so much work to do around the castle and she still had to find out where Jacob was positioned. But she had to admit, with the King and Queen having invited Iris over to stay in one of the guest suites at the palace for the remainder of the month, Carewyn didn’t mind having an excuse to stay far away from her cousin. Lately Carewyn had actively planned her days so that she could clean the guest suites at teatime, when Iris would be in one of the foyers with the King, Queen, and Prince on the opposite side of the palace. She did not want a repeat of the other day, after all...particularly since she’d also need time to change out of the nicer, collared dresses she’d wear when spending time with Orion.

Orion, meanwhile, was of course getting a bit more than entertainment out of his and Carewyn’s meetings. Through speaking with Carewyn, he’d sussed out some very helpful information about Royaumanian culture, the dynamics within Royaume’s royal family, and both their and their country’s financial state. One day he told his closest confidantes at court, Skye and McNully, some of what he’d learned...but Skye didn’t react quite as favorably as Orion had expected.

“...I gave Lady Cromwell a copy of the sheet music for ‘No One is Alone’ last week -- you remember the song, of course? And from what I understand, Prince Henri and the castle staff have quite taken to it. Not that I’m surprised -- Carewyn has a very soothing voice. I’m sure she performed it very well. But the Prince listening to the words at all is a good sign -- I even asked Carewyn if the Prince enjoyed them, and she said she believed so. She also found their message meaningful...one of Florence’s best-loved anti-War songs, and one about looking through another’s eyes and forgiving past grievances, no less! That can only be a good sign, for Royaumanians to take heart in it. It surely must have been fate that Lady Cromwell and I collided at the market -- I had a feeling we were kindred spirits, when she came to my aid, but now I am most assured of it. I might hazard a guess that she wishes for peace just as much as I -- for the sake of her brother fighting in the field, yes, but also selflessly for the sake of others, not wishing to see any other person in pain...”

“She sounds like a perfect knight in shining armor,” said Skye, her voice oddly cutting.

Orion looked up at Skye, startled by her tone. Her arms were crossed over the chest of her faded blue linen dress.

“Anything else you want to tell us about the fair Lady Cromwell,” she said rather icily, “or are you actually ready to talk about how you plan to end this War?”

Orion blinked slowly. “...I thought that we were already discussing that.”

“Really?” scoffed Skye. “‘Cause it sounds to me like you were busy gushing over your new conquest.”

“Conquest?” Orion repeated. His confused tone then melted into something more soothing and indulgent, “Oh -- no, Skye...you misunderstand me. I have no interest in courting Carewyn -- she’s just my contact point, with the palace.”

Skye gave a very loud, disbelieving snort. “Ha! Right, of course she is -- that’s why you can’t stop gushing about ‘Carewyn this’ and ‘Lady Cromwell that.’”

“Skye has a point, Orion,” said McNully, though his voice was a lot less confrontational. If anything he sounded almost sheepish. “I mean, about 85% of your report was about Lady Cromwell. You used her name over ten times just in the span of a minute.”

Amazingly Orion’s calm, hard-to-read expression didn’t crack. His hands clasped lightly in front of him.

“Lady Cromwell plays an essential part in this strategy. I’m an outsider looking in, without her insight -- a ship sailing blindly, without the light from a lighthouse to give me direction.”

“A lighthouse for a lost ship -- oh yeah, those sound like the words of someone who’s focusing on winning a war and not swooning over a pretty face,” said Skye scathingly. “Maybe instead of always running off and playing dress-up, you could actually bother to do your duty and go help fight on the battlefield for once!”

Orion’s lips came together tightly, but it didn’t make his expression any less composed. McNully shot Skye an uncomfortable, faintly disapproving look.

“Easy, Skye,” he murmured. “You know Orion -- ”

But Skye didn’t seem to hear McNully. Instead she tore into Orion.

“Face it, Orion -- you just like being treated like a commoner again and being able to make believe that you don’t have any responsibilities or worries...well, guess what? You’re not a commoner anymore! You’re the Prince of Florence -- you reckon little Miss Knight-in-Shining-Armor would take kindly to that, when she finds out?”

Orion’s dark eyes narrowed ever-so-slightly upon Skye’s face.

“Carewyn’s not an unreasonable woman,” he said softly. “I’m certain she would understand the reason behind my secrecy.”

This, if anything, only seemed to make Skye madder.

“Of course she would,” she muttered sourly. “Little Lady Royaume can do no wrong in your eyes, can she?”

She turned on her heel and stormed out, leaving Orion feeling very resigned and confused. McNully gave a heavy sigh, before facing Orion with a more serious expression.

“She’s overreacting, as usual,” he said, “but she’s still 60% right. It’s risky enough for you to get this close to anyone right now, when your position as Crown Prince is threatened by the likes of Lord Malfoy. He’d frankly love to have something like that over you. But someone from Royaume? The granddaughter of one of the most powerful, wealthy, and feared noblemen in their country? Orion, that’s dangerous.”

Orion leaned his hands on the table, looking down at the map of Florence and Royaume laid out on top of it.

“McNully, I assure you...my objective has not changed,” he said very levelly. “Everything I have done is for Florence -- for peace and balance. I admit, Lady Cromwell is a fascinating woman, and certainly one to be admired...but I spend time with her to gather intelligence I can obtain nowhere else. That is all.”

McNully looked doubtful, but didn’t directly address it. Instead he said, “I understand she’s your eyes and ears inside the palace, and the intelligence you’re getting is valuable...but don’t forget, she isn’t on your team. She’s on Royaume’s. And right now, Royaume is kicking our tail out there, on the battlefield.”

Orion’s dark eyes drifted away from the table as McNully leaned his arms on the table himself.

“It’s getting bad again,” he murmured very seriously. “I know you said the palace of Royaume’s strapped for funds, but somehow or another, they’ve scrounged up enough to get more cannons, and their troops have been moving them around every couple of hours so that our men never know where they’re going to be firing from next. It’s been very effective. Whoever’s been giving Royaume’s King and Queen military strategy lately, they’re a bloody genius.”

McNully clearly was irritated about this, given the flash that shot through his narrowed eyes.

“Your father sent me a request for a counter-strategy this morning. You know it’s likely if the strategy isn’t one he can execute on his own, he may ask both you and me to join him there, on the front lines.”

Orion did not respond. His expression was as unreadable as ever, but there was something oddly detached and avoidant in his posture.

“I know you don’t want that, and you know I have faith in you,” said McNully, “but your strategy is a slow burn, Orion. It requires both patience and time...and we might not end up having as much of those as you think.”

Once again, Orion chose not to answer. McNully sighed again.

“You know I’ll be right behind you in a coach, if you need me,” he said tiredly. “Just...mind that you use your head as well as your heart, all right?”

Orion threw on his black traveling cloak and headed back to Royaume not long after, hoping to meet up with Carewyn for an evening stroll. There was a notable chill in the air -- if it got much colder, he thought that any rain might instead come down as sleet or maybe even snow.

When Orion arrived at the gate, however, he was met not by Carewyn, but by KC. She was dressed in a high-necked gown made of black velvet and holding a leather-bound book and a stack of parchment in her arms.

Orion tilted his head slightly to glance at the piece of parchment on the top of the stack, which had several “X’s” scattered over an oddly familiar map.

“Plans to bury some pirate treasure?” he asked pleasantly.

KC gave a lightly amused snort. “No, just military plans.”

Her lightly freckled face then grew a bit more serious. “I guess you’re here for Carewyn?”

Orion had been ready to ask more about the military plans KC was holding, but decided not to circle back to it when she changed the subject.

“Yes. Has she been detained?”

“I guess so...” said KC. Her lips twisted into a concerned frown as she looked out at the darkening sky.

Orion’s eyebrows knit together over his eyes slightly. “You seem concerned.”

KC bit her lip. “Mm...it’s just...well, you see, one of the royal carriages broke down earlier today, when the Queen was riding through the country with Lady Yaxley.”

Orion raised his eyebrows. “Lady Iris Yaxley, do you mean? Carewyn’s cousin?”

“Yes. No one was badly hurt, fortunately, but the Queen, Lady Iris, and the coachman and footman were forced to ride the horses back and leave the carriage behind. When they got back, they asked the royal carpenter, Charlie Weasley, to go fix it. Charlie said that he probably wouldn’t have the proper tools to fix it here at the castle, so Carewyn offered to ride out with him, so that their horses could drag the coach together to the Weasley family cottage, about forty minutes away. The problem is,” she said with a deepening frown, “they left over two hours ago, and they’re still not back yet. Bill headed out after them on his own horse not long before you got here...he’s Charlie’s brother, so he knows the route they would’ve taken...”

Orion’s dark eyes had narrowed significantly.

“Which road did Sir Weasley take after them?” he asked, his calm voice nonetheless touched with the faintest edge.

KC pointed. “Northwest -- toward the mountains.”

Orion nodded. “Thank you.”

And with this, he turned on his heel and rushed back toward where he thought he might find McNully’s coach. He needed to borrow a horse.

Setting one of the black horses free of the black coach, Orion rode off toward the mountains, his slightly-too-long dark hair flapping freely behind him. The road was well-marked, but it soon veered off into dense woods as it migrated up toward the mountains. Orion had never gone so far west into Royaume before, let alone far from Florence before. Despite himself, he had to acknowledge the beauty of the landscape. The views of the castle below were breathtaking -- it looked as tiny as a toy, and yet the infinite glass windows made it sparkle like some diamond-like beacon in the darkening sky. He wondered if his own palace in Florence looked so beautiful to others, at a distance. As much as he himself hadn’t been raised a prince, it was difficult for him to look at his own palace as anything other than a cage.

As he went further uphill and the sky darkened, it also grew colder. Orion was starting to see his own breath on the air. He thought of Carewyn alone in the cold, perhaps hurt, and had to take several deep breaths to sooth his nerves. He was never in a right state, when he let his thoughts run too wild or his fears chatter too loudly.

Finally Orion caught sight of two familiar ginger-headed men, standing by an overturned coach, covered in mud and missing one of its back wheels. One of the men was the tall, freckled castle guard from the other day who Carewyn called Bill, dressed in his high-collared blue and red patterned uniform tunic and matching white feathered, blue-velvet hat -- the other was much stockier, but no less freckled, dressed in a burgundy-colored tunic and loose brown pants and boots, and he wore his ginger hair in a ponytail not unlike Orion’s when he was at court. When Orion approached them, Bill immediately reacted with suspicion -- Orion explained what KC had told him and asked where Carewyn was, and was incredibly startled to hear her voice coming from over the edge of the cliff.

“I’m down here!”

Orion couldn’t help but feel a flash of concern. He raced over as if to look over the edge, but Charlie lashed out an arm in front of the taller man to stop him.

“Uh, I wouldn’t look over if I were you, mate,” he said, having trouble biting back his laughter despite himself.

He pointed at the broken carriage. Hanging over one of the doors was what looked like the burnt orange and beige skirt of a dress and several wool petticoats.

Orion blinked a few times in great surprise, his tanned cheeks darkening with a faint blush. Bill, however, reacted with anxiety.

“Carewyn!” he shouted over the ravine. “Are you in your underwear down there!?”

“Ugh -- well, I couldn’t very well climb down into this briar patch and wrench this wheel loose in my dress, could I?” Carewyn called back up rather haughtily. “At least my bloomers are slightly akin to the sorts of trousers you all wear.”

“You’ll catch a death of cold out here!” said Bill.

“I’m all right,” Carewyn reassured him. “Ulk -- ugh -- I have the wool jacket Andre made for me on...”

Charlie took a step forward, his eyes moved up toward the darkening sky pointedly so as not to look over the edge as he called down,

“Bill’s right, though, Carewyn -- it’s getting colder by the minute...and it’s getting dark too. Are you sure you can lift that thing up and over all by yourself?”

“Ugh...I admit, it’s a bit difficult!” she called back. “But I think I can manage.”

Recalling Carewyn’s blatant refusal of help in retrieving her horse, Orion -- still fighting back a slight blush -- called over the ravine himself.

“We do not question your capabilities, Carewyn,” he said patiently, “but would you like our help?”

“Ugh -- don’t be silly,” said Carewyn, sounding faintly haughty. “You, Charlie, and Bill would break your necks, climbing down here. And I’m still in my undergarments -- I have no interest in anyone seeing me prance around without proper clothes on, thank you.”

“It’s no use,” Charlie muttered under his breath, “I’ve tried to offer her help for the last hour, but she keeps putting me off, saying she’s fine. I don’t get why she feels like she has to do everything by herself...”

“Probably because she’s always had to, Charlie,” said Bill quietly. His voice betrayed a lot of sympathy and sadness as he exhaled through his nose.

Orion’s black eyes deepened with some compassion for Bill as he called back over the ravine to Carewyn,

“Your points are well made, my lady...but we’d still like to help you.”

“Ugh -- you can help me by leaving me my dignity and not looking over while I’m only half-dressed...ack...”

“Would you accept us doing more than that?”

“Urgh -- I am...sorry to have made you and Bill come out all this way -- but I’m all right, really.”

Bill glanced at Orion out the side of his eye, and then back at the cliff. Despite his distrust of the man, the eldest Weasley was sort of glad he wasn’t the only one who disliked how reticent Carewyn was to accept help.

“You don’t need to apologize,” he said earnestly. “I was -- we were worried about you, Carewyn. You and Charlie.”

He and Orion glanced at each other. Bill wished the other man’s expression wasn’t so hard to read. The castle guard tried to twist his uncomfortable frown into a smile that Carewyn would hopefully be able to hear over the edge of the cliff.

“Come on...let’s get you and that wheel up and over so you can get back into your dress.”

There was a silence. Then Carewyn said a bit more quietly,

“...You don’t need to worry about me.”

“Wha -- oh, come off it, Carewyn!” said Charlie exasperatedly. “To hell we do! You think I was mucking about, calling you my pal and saying I needed to figure out a nickname for you? Now let us help you, or I’ll consider making that nickname an irritating one!”

There was another silence. Then Carewyn sighed very loudly and tiredly, and Orion couldn’t help but grin, because he could tell she’d finally given in.

“Oh, all right,” she said begrudgingly. “But I don’t really know how you’re going to help, when you can’t look at me.”

Orion closed his eyes.

“Describe your surroundings, Carewyn,” he said. “Paint a picture for me, with your words.”

“...Well, I’ve gotten the wheel out of the briar patch. I’m trying to roll it back up, but it’s as large as me, and the downward slope and the ice is making it difficult. Plus the wheel isn’t in great shape -- all of its spokes are broken, so there isn’t much for me to push up on, while rolling it uphill.”

“I would’ve told her to just forget it, but it’d be much easier for me to carve a new wheel if I have framework from the old one,” Charlie explained. “I’m already going to have to make the new spokes and hubcap completely out of wood instead of using any gold or metalwork, but it’s still going to take a lot of time...even more so if the old wheel framework can’t be saved...”

Orion considered the matter, visualizing the set-up down below on the inside of his eyelids. “...What’s left of the wheel...is it made of metal or wood?”

“Wood...but there seems to be some sort of metal lining around the rim, held on by nails.”

“That’d be for durability, I reckon,” said Charlie. “Wood alone would get chaffed badly on the ground, moving in a constant circle down cobblestones or over anything rocky.”

Orion opened his eyes and looked over the broken coach. His gaze lingered on the thick leather straps coming off of the front that no doubt would’ve attached it to their horses. Then he abruptly got up, rushing over to undo the straps from the carriage.

“What are you doing?” said Bill, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

Orion quickly knotted the long, thick leather straps together with several complex-looking and strong knots.

“Carewyn,” he called over very calmly, “I’m going to lower this down to you -- use the buckle and loop it securely around the inside rim of the wheel, so that it’s tight. Give it a light tug when it’s secure.”

He blindly tossed one end of the rope made out of leather straps over the edge of the cliff. After a minute, he felt a light tug at the end.

“Gentlemen,” Orion murmured to the Weasleys, “I’ll need you to hold this, for just a moment. Carewyn,” he added, as Charlie and Bill both grabbed the end of the makeshift rope and he let go, “I’m going to need you to step onto the wheel yourself and hold on.”

“What?” said Carewyn. “Orion, you can’t lift both me and the wheel -- it’s far too much! I’ll climb up and out myself -- ”

“Not to worry, my lady -- none of us will be doing the lifting,” said Orion serenely.

He led both his black horse and Bill’s chestnut horse over by their reins, and -- taking the makeshift rope from Bill and Charlie again -- he looped the end under the straps of both his and Bill’s saddles. He gave several tugs at all of the connections to make sure they were tight and secure before mounting his horse.

“Sir Weasley, if you would assist me.”

Catching onto Orion’s idea at last, Bill rushed forward so he could jump up onto his own horse.

“Mr. Weasley, you may want to have your hands ready to help Carewyn climb out when she gets close to the top,” said Orion over his shoulder. “Sir Weasley, together now.”

With a lot of effort and strain, the two horses were able to lift Carewyn and the broken wheel up and out of the ravine. Once Carewyn was out, all three men averted their eyes so she could put her dress back on. Once she was suitably redressed in her orange-and-beige dress, snood, and dark scarlet wool jacket, she, Bill, and Orion helped Charlie secure some makeshift posts he’d carved out of some nearby tree branches under the broken coach so that their four horses could lift it up off the ground and help support it without its second back wheel. Then the four hobbled the coach up the mountain the rest of the way to the Weasley family cottage.

The home of the Weasley family, affectionately nicknamed “the Burrow,” was built up against the side of a hill. Attached to the house was a large farm with sprawling pastures and short, rustic wooden fences. Its roof had clearly been patched up multiple times over the years with whatever kind of wood was on hand, making it resemble a patchwork quilt.

When the group arrived, Bill and Charlie’s youngest sibling and only sister Ginny immediately ran out to greet them -- she’d seen them coming up over the horizon and was beyond thrilled to see that it was her eldest brothers. Bill and Charlie’s teenage brothers Percy, Fred, George, and Ron soon followed along after. Fred and George -- who were identical twins -- were quick to crow that Charlie had brought them an early birthday present (namely, the coach), and Percy scolded them that clearly it was for work and they should let it alone. Orion and Carewyn ended up staying back at a distance, both faintly baffled by the amount of warmth and noise emanating from the seven siblings as they chattered amongst themselves, constantly stepping on each other’s feet and interrupting what everyone else was saying. Neither of them had ever encountered a family quite like this before. When Bill and Charlie’s parents, Arthur and Molly Weasley, emerged from the house, however, Molly very quickly bustled every last one of them inside, including Orion and Carewyn.

“In you go, the lot of you,” she said in a forceful, but very warm tone of voice. “You all look like you need some supper-- ”

“Oh -- no, Mrs. Weasley,” said Carewyn very quickly, “I couldn’t impose -- ”

“Nonsense, dear!” said Molly, as she took Carewyn’s hands and led her inside. “Why, you’re positively freezing! To think, you came all the way out here without a proper muff for your hands...”

“I had to help Charlie with the carriage,” Carewyn said, her eyes drawn away awkwardly rather than looking at Molly, “I couldn’t hope to have my hands free, using a muff...”

“Then both of you should come inside and get warm,” said Arthur, startling Orion with an amiable clap on the back. “Any friend of Bill and Charlie’s is a friend of our family.”

Carewyn had never been the subject of such coddling and generosity before in her life. Her mother had always taught her to treat people with respect and compassion, of course, but she had been a soft-spoken and understated person, and their family life had always been very quiet. And of course at the Cromwell estate, it had been less modest and quiet, but far less affectionate as well. Never had she ever visited such a loud, crowded, and faintly uncomfortable place that still nonetheless felt like a home, full of warmth and love.

Even Orion found himself feeling a bit unsettled by the Weasley family’s overwhelming hospitality. He’d been in plenty of unruly, crowded, and loud settings like this before -- but none of them had ever been quite this...well, jovial. It made it so that Orion yearned for peace, quiet, and returned distance, and yet also couldn’t help but marvel at the positive vibes that rippled off of this family and how much they could give, despite clearly having so little. When dinner was served, Orion had to politely decline a bowl of beef stew because he didn’t eat meat, and Molly Weasley immediately handed the bowl off to Ron so she could set about making Orion his own plate, piled high with cheesy mashed potatoes, sauteed mushrooms, and roasted cauliflower seasoned with garlic and chives.

The Weasley family and their guests sat in an uncomfortable, messy half-circle around the large brick fireplace, laughing and talking as they ate. After supper came the dessert of hot, fresh apple dumplings, and after dessert came some hot tea and scones. After all, said Molly Weasley, having guests over was a rare treat, so they were going to celebrate appropriately. Neither Carewyn nor Orion could remember ever having felt so full in all their lives.

As everyone enjoyed their scones and tea, stories and songs were swapped around the fire. At one point in the evening, twelve-year-old Ginny -- who was perfectly thrilled to have another girl around, for a change -- begged Carewyn to sing for them. Apparently Bill had told his family all about her lovely voice. So, with some encouragement from Charlie, Arthur, and Molly, Carewyn bit back a broad, amused grin, took a deep breath, and started to sing.

“Mother cannot guide you...now you’re on your own.

Only me beside you -- still, you’re not alone...”

Orion had thought to himself that Carewyn must have done the song from his youth proper justice while singing for the Prince, but hearing her sing it in person, seeing her smile at him and her eyes sparkle as she did so...it was a completely different matter. As before, Orion felt all of the tension in his shoulders ebb off of him, as easily as dirt was washed away in warm water. He bowed his head and closed his eyes, tilting his head a bit so that he could hear her better, as his breathing and heart rate slowed. Even with his eyes closed, he could hear a smile in every word Carewyn sang...even when she likely wasn’t smiling at all, he thought. How could she be smiling, when lines like “sometimes people leave you half-way through the wood” and “people make mistakes -- fathers, mothers” rang with such emotion and pain? Was that pain visible on her face? Orion thought not, given Carewyn’s sense of grace and composure...but he heard it, all the same. He felt it -- her heart, aching with a kind of deep, blazing empathy Orion had never encountered in anyone else before.

When Carewyn came to the end of the song, Orion opened his eyes at last. The Weasleys all clapped, delighted, but he barely heard them as he turned to Carewyn.

“...That was remarkable,” he murmured.

Carewyn smiled. “I’m glad you think I did it justice.”

“Mm,” said Orion. “I’ve...never heard anyone drown like that, before.”

Carewyn couldn’t bite back a laugh. “Perhaps I didn’t do it justice then, if I sounded like I was drowning...”

“You were drowning in the words’ meaning,” corrected Orion. “Enveloping and submerging yourself in them -- allowing them to pull you in and take your breath away.”

He smiled, his black eyes very soft upon Carewyn’s face.

“It was...very moving.”

Molly’s face spread into an indulgent smile as she reached forward and patted Carewyn’s hand. “It was absolutely beautiful, dear.”

“Orion’s right, Carewyn,” agreed Arthur. “Your feelings really came through. I could tell the words mean something to you.”

Carewyn offered a polite smile, even as her eyes drifted away. “...I suppose they do.”

“It sounds like a lullaby, sort of,” mused Ron. “Even if it talks about your mother not being around.”

Ginny tilted her head toward Carewyn, Ron’s words prompting concern.

“...Do you not have a mother, Carewyn?”

The rest of the family went very quiet -- some like Percy shot Ginny warning looks, while others like Molly and Ron couldn’t help but glance at Carewyn in similar concern.

Carewyn’s gaze had drifted off onto the fire. Although she was turned away and her face was stoic, however, Orion could see her eyes rippling like turbulent ocean water, before she closed them solemnly.

“...I had one,” she answered softly at last. “She died when I was twelve.”

“Was she sick?” asked Ron, very hesitantly.

Carewyn bowed her head and gave a single, silent nod. Everyone in the room knew what that meant. The Plague had swept through both Royaume and Florence several times, over the span of the War -- one of the worst years was about nine years ago now...probably the same year Carewyn had lost her mother.

Orion’s black eyes narrowed ever-so-slightly upon her face. Molly looked like she wanted to envelop Carewyn in the biggest hug and was only holding back the urge because of her husband’s tight, reassuring squeeze to her hand.

“Oh, you poor dear,” she murmured.

Carewyn raised her head at last, her expression once again touched by a small, resilient, pretty smile.

“It’s all right,” she said gently, her eyes only briefly grazing each of the Weasleys’ faces. “I’ll always miss my mother...but I’m getting along all right. And I still have Jacob.”

“Your brother?” asked Percy, and Carewyn nodded.

“He left for War the same day he and I moved in with our grandfather,” Carewyn explained.

“Your brother must be quite a bit older than you, then,” said Orion.

Carewyn glanced at Orion out the side of her eye, smiling slightly. “Nine years older, yes. You know...you actually remind me of him, a bit.”

Orion raised his eyebrows. “Oh?”

Carewyn was forced to stifle a giggle behind her hand. “Jacob is also the sort to do things in his own clever way. Only he’s a lot more aggressive than you -- and more talkative, and arrogant, and overprotective...”

“And uglier,” inserted Fred.

“And smellier,” added George.

“With a long crooked nose and ears like a bat’s.”

The younger Weasley siblings were all laughing now. Carewyn had to cover her mouth to stifle her giggling.

“No!” she choked. “I don’t mean it like that! He’s wonderful, really. He’s just...well, an absolute idiot about how to interact with other people. He’s completely brilliant, mind you -- he could give you whole lectures about anything from geography to mathematics to physics...but coming up with spontaneous gifts for no occasion at all, just based on someone’s interests? He’d need some prodding, to do something like that.”

She smiled at Orion, who couldn’t help but grin fully in return.

“It was truly nothing at all, Carewyn,” he said. “With your love of music, it felt like that song would be something you would appreciate.”

Arthur glanced at Orion curiously. “Where is that song from, Orion? I’ve never heard it before.”

“I learned it as a boy,” Orion answered. “I would hear it sung outside the window of the workhouse, sometimes.”

Molly looked very troubled. “Workhouse? Orion dear, you don’t mean to say you grew up in one of those terrible places?”

Orion felt Carewyn’s gaze on him. When he looked back at her, her almond-shaped blue eyes were rippling with concern as well, though much gentler and more empathetic than Molly’s. He tried to offer her a smile.

“Let’s just say the words spoke to me as well, at the time,” he said lightly. “Not just to me, either...all of the boys there, one way or another, were where they were because of other people’s ‘terrible mistakes.’”

Orion’s gaze drifted down to his own hands as he lightly clasped them in his lap.

“...The War doesn’t touch you the same way here, but...the closer you are to Florence...the more the reality of it hits you in the face, every day. Even when you’re not on the battlefield itself -- even when you’re just at the border -- you, and the ones you care for, run the risk of getting caught in the crossfire. And on the border of Florence and Royaume...in those towns where it’s hard to tell where one country starts and another begins...tensions are like gunpowder. One spark from the tiniest match can set it ablaze -- can make everything implode, and force you to start all over again.”

His face was unreadable, but his black eyes were endless, rippling with the recollection of the fire and smoke -- the red and blue colors of Royaume, on the saddles of horses -- the life leaving his mother’s eyes -- his own heavy, terrified hyperventilating...

He closed his eyes and took several very deep, measured breaths before continuing.

“In such a place...one can find people desperate enough to want to lash out at others, to avenge their pain,” said Orion solemnly. “But there was one sweet old woman who owned a flower and herb shop near the workhouse. She’d had to rebuild her establishment several times over the years, and from what I understand, she finally had to leave town not long after I did...but every time she caught wind that the army was coming to town, looking for new recruits...she’d sing the song just loudly enough that we boys could hear it through our window.”

He absently played with the crudely carved circular charm on the cord around his neck in one hand.

“And although there were those who still enlisted afterwards...many others did not.”

Carewyn’s eyes widened.

“‘While we’re seeing our side,’ ” she sang again, more softly, “‘maybe we forgot...they are not alone. No one is alone.’ ”

Orion’s lips spread into a smile as he looked at Carewyn, his black eyes rippling gently as he nodded.

“So it’s against the War, then,” murmured Charlie. He glanced at his parents, who both looked concerned.

“Did that woman with the flower shop give you that?” asked Ginny curiously, indicating the charm around Orion’s neck.

“Yes,” said Orion. “She gave it to me one night when I tried to run away, to soothe my nerves. Its effects wore off by the next morning, but I’ve never really had the heart to throw it out.”

Percy sputtered, looking very pale. “Th-then she was a witch?”

“Whoa,” said Fred and George, looking almost too eager.

“Did she turn all the army into pigs?” asked George.

“Did she lure you in and try to cook you in a soup?” said Fred.

Orion smiled indulgently. “Of course not -- ”

“Well, thank Heavens for that!” said Molly, shooting the twins a very reproachful look. “Magic isn’t something to make fun of, you two -- it’s frankly a wonder you weren’t hurt, dear...”

Orion frowned. “There was no danger, Madam Weasley, I assure you.”

“No danger! Orion,” Molly scolded him indulgently, “I applaud your courage...but nature has its own way of things, and any magic that twists it out of shape is more dangerous than it’s worth.”

To the Weasley family’s surprise, Carewyn actually spoke up.

“Mrs. Weasley, men tend fields, plant seeds, domesticate horses and dogs...treat illnesses and injuries...cut hair and wear makeup and put on heeled shoes to make ourselves appear taller. Would that not also be twisting nature’s intent?”

Molly actually faltered somewhat. “Well, yes, but...that’s very different from magic, Carewyn! Magic is...well, it’s wild. Uncontrollable.”

“It’s untamed chaos,” said Arthur more levelly than his wife. “A kind that’s done a lot more harm than good.”

“But it still can be used for good,” said Carewyn very firmly. “And if it has that potential, why must we treat it as though it and all of its users are inherently reprehensible? If magic can be used to save lives, or heal the sick, or even just calm a scared boy down after something horrible...”

She glanced at Orion out the side of her eye.

“...Then it seems to be like any other weapon or tool, or even any other person -- something that could protect or hurt.”

Orion felt like his heart was being flooded with warmth, and his entire expression melted with pride and something like affection as he stared at Carewyn.

She truly is a woman to be admired. The memory of Skye’s irritation and McNully’s warning rippled over Orion’s mind and he found himself faltering. Admire...yes. Anyone could grow to admire such a woman, couldn’t they? To respect and esteem her...to...grow an attachment, to her... Even I? Could I...?

The Weasleys exchanged uncertain looks amongst themselves.

“Come to think of it,” said Ron thoughtfully, “wasn’t there that old myth about fairy godmothers who grant you wishes?”

Fred brought an arm roughly around his younger brother’s neck and put him in a rough choke hold. “Aww, ickle Ronnie wanting a pwetty new dress?”

“‘Oh fairy godmother, I just gotta have a new dress for the Winter Festival!’” said George in a high-pitched squeal.

“Geroff!” growled Ron, as he pulled free.

“Oh, but that would be fun!” sighed Ginny. “Dancing at the Winter Festival, in the prettiest dress you’ve ever seen...you’re going to the Festival, aren’t you, Carewyn?”

“Probably not, Ginny,” said Carewyn gently, “I’ve got so much work to do...”

“Oh, but you have to!” whined Ginny. “The Festival’s tradition! Right, Orion?”

“So I’ve heard,” Orion said modestly, “but I’m afraid I’ve never attended a Winter Festival either.”

“What?!” said all of the Weasley children except Bill in thoroughly aghast unison.

“It’s the biggest celebration of the entire year -- ”

“Everybody in town will be there -- ”

“ -- well, aside from the noble tarts -- ”

“ -- but hey, who needs them?”

“Everybody makes the best mince pies and hot apple cider -- ”

“There’s dancing and singing and games and gift-giving -- ”

“You just can’t miss it -- ”

Before long, they’d completely gotten off the topic of magic all together, so the Weasleys could tell Orion all about the Winter Festival. Carewyn took the opportunity to start carrying dishes into the kitchen so that she could help Molly clean up. While she did so, Bill pulled her aside.

“Carewyn...can I talk to you? Alone?”

Carewyn blinked, but nonetheless put down the dishes she was carrying and followed Bill off into a secluded corner.

“What’s wrong?” she asked in concern.

Bill bit the inside of his lip, his brown eyes drifting over in the direction of the fireplace where the rest of his family was sitting with Orion.

“Carewyn,” he said slowly, “who is that man, really?”

Carewyn’s eyebrows knit together. Bill ran a hand over the undone collar of his tunic absently.

“He’s hiding something, I know it. And I’m sure you see it too. He dodges questions he doesn’t want to answer, and as much as he’s even told us tonight about himself, he never gives important details. He lived near the border, but he didn’t mention what town he’s from. He lived in a workhouse, presumably after losing his parents, but he never said what he lost them to.”

“Those things might not be easy for him to talk about, Bill,” Carewyn said softly.

“Yes,” said Bill in a bracing voice, “but he also hopped the walls of the palace, completely ignorant of how tight royal security is and why, has enough time to chase after you most every day, and gets paints from people he can’t identify and learns songs from people who, from the sound of things, practice witchcraft.”

Bill crossed his arms. He clearly was trying to be considerate to Carewyn’s feelings, but couldn’t hold back his concerns.

“Look, I...I understand you like the man. And I understand why -- Ginny and the others seem to have taken to him pretty well, too. But there’s no reason for someone to hold back that many secrets, unless they’re up to no good. He could be a cad, or a criminal, or maybe even something worse. Judging by his stance on magic, he could even be a magician himself...”

His brown eyes narrowed slightly upon Carewyn’s face.

“I’m just...worried about you, that’s all,” he said lowly.

Carewyn considered Bill for a long moment. Then, reaching out a hand, she gently took hold of Bill’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

“Bill...I understand how you feel. And I’m grateful, truly grateful, for your caring. I hardly deserve it, and it...it means a lot to me.”

Bill frowned deeply, ready to say something, but Carewyn cut him off.

“But believe me when I say that people don’t just keep secrets because they mean to do harm. Sometimes -- for some people -- they’ve had to learn to hide themselves and shield their hearts...so much so that even when they encounter good people, it’s hard for them to let their guard down. Sometimes they’ve known so much pain that, even though they’re kind people, they’ve numbed themselves to a degree, just to protect themselves. Lied so much...that it becomes second-nature. Or worse, lie because they don’t know who they can really trust...because so many people have hurt them that they don’t know what trust even feels like anymore.”

Bill’s expression lost some of its edge, though it still looked wary.

“...And if he is a magic user?”

“Then he’s one of the good ones,” said Carewyn firmly.

Bill still looked a bit unsure. Carewyn squeezed his shoulder a bit more tightly, her eyes resting there instead of on his face.

“Bill, my brother is only alive, thanks to magic.”

Bill was startled.

“The Plague swept through our whole house,” said Carewyn lowly. “First the landlord and his family -- then my mother...and then Jacob. We were living hand-to-mouth, and I didn’t have anyone else to go to...so I went to the Cromwell estate.”

Bill’s brown eyes became a little smaller, darkening with grim understanding.

“...You went to your grandfather.”

Carewyn nodded. “He disowned Mum long ago, but he was still our family, so I thought he might be willing to help us. He agreed to take Jacob and me in and nurse Jacob back to health, so long as we paid back his generosity. Grandfather then tracked down a witch who could cast a spell to save Jacob’s life.”

Bill’s eyebrows furrowed. “Lord Cromwell hired a -- ?”

“Do not repeat this, Bill!” Carewyn said very sharply and urgently. “To anyone, do you understand? No one.”

Her eyes then softened visibly, becoming grimmer and sadder.

“Jacob was dying. There was no other option.”

Bill looked like he was in pain, just hearing this second-hand. He swallowed, and then gave a nod.

“So that witch saved your brother’s life,” he said quietly.

Carewyn nodded, her eyes full of emotion despite the stoicism of her features.

“The spell she cast bound Jacob’s life to Grandfather’s will. Jacob was brought into the house on a stretcher just after dawn, and within a half-hour...he was up on his own two feet again.”

Carewyn closed her eyes. She could still remember Jacob’s blazing, relieved smile as he barreled down the stairs and threw his arms around her, cradling her like a baby.

“My Wyn -- my sweet Wyn -- ”

Not long after that, though...Jacob’s arms were yanked away -- all of him was yanked away -- held back by Blaise and Claire and Pearl’s husbands, who all had work to together just to restrain Jacob as he fought to reach her, screaming and raging like a mad man --

“WYN! NO! GET OFF OF ME -- WYN! I WON’T LET YOU -- CAREWYN!”

Carewyn opened her eyes, the soft longing fading from her face completely and leaving a much more stony expression behind.

Bill himself, however, looked more troubled than ever.

“You said your brother left for War the same day you and he arrived at the Cromwell estate,” he whispered shakily. “Do you mean that, right after saving your brother’s life...Lord Cromwell immediately sent him off to War -- all while knowing how few men return home alive?”

Carewyn’s lips came together tightly.

“Grandfather sent him to the front, so that Jacob could start paying back the debt I owed him,” she said, her voice very soft and oddly distant. “After all...a man who wouldn’t die, so long as he willed it...would make an excellent soldier.”

Bill looked horrified.

“Then...” he whispered, “...then Jacob’s only alive because your grandfather decides whether he lives or dies? You only know your brother’s still alive after so many years at war...because Lord Cromwell is bound to him through magic, and he’s holding his life over your head?”

Carewyn withdrew her hand from Bill’s shoulder and turned away.

“Carewyn...that’s monstrous!” said Bill, and he was unable to keep his voice from rising. “I didn’t even know magic could do something like that -- but -- but that’s nothing, compared to...”

He couldn’t restrain himself. He actually threw an arm around Carewyn and pulled her into a hug from behind. The small ginger-haired woman stiffened like a startled cat.

“Bill?”

Carewyn looked up at him -- were those tears, in his eyes?

“Have you...never told anyone else, about this?” Bill murmured.

Carewyn tried to turn around, her blue eyes welling up with regret and pain. “Bill...”

She brought a hand through his hair, trying to soothe him the way she used to for Jacob.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I -- I didn’t mean to upset you -- I only wanted to explain why I’m not scared of magic...please forgive me.”

Bill closed his eyes to try to hold back both his righteous anger and his tears.

“Forgive you?” he repeated in a choked voice. “For what, trusting me with the truth?”

“For making you worry unnecessarily,” Carewyn said forcefully, trying to ignore how uncomfortably her stomach was squirming.

Bill opened his eyes, looking both flabbergasted and more upset than ever. “Unnecessarily?”

He roughly grabbed both of Carewyn’s shoulders and forced her to look up at him.

“Now you listen here, Carewyn Cromwell,” he said, taking on the sort of tone he only ever used with his younger siblings when they were being rowdy, “you may get to decide if you want to interact with me or not, or rely on me or not, or accept my help or not. But you don’t get to decide whether I worry about you or not. And from here on out...”

Bill’s brown eyes were blazing with resolve.

“...I’m going to worry about you. Because I hate the thought of someone feeling like anybody else worrying about them is somehow a problem.”

Carewyn was left speechless.

Bill’s face broke into a broad smile through his tears. “Until your brother’s back from the War, Carey, I’ll be looking after you for him -- no arguments, no dismissals, no saying you’re fine on your own. Got it?”

Carewyn looked at Bill, perfectly stunned. Then her gaze fell away toward the floor.

“...It sounds like...I really don’t get a choice in the matter, then,” she whispered.

“Nope,” said Bill, grinning broadly.

Carewyn was unable to fight back the weak smile prickling at the sides of her lips, nor the emotion flooding her eyes, even as she kept her face turned away.

“...And I suppose ‘Carey’...is a suggestion of a nickname you plan to give Charlie, for me?”

Bill’s eyes sparkled fondly. “Well, every one of my siblings has a nickname, in case you haven’t noticed.”

#hphm #hogwarts mystery #cinderella au #carewyn cromwell #orion amari #murphy mcnully #skye parkin #bill weasley #charlie weasley #percy weasley #fred weasley #george weasley #ron weasley #ginny weasley #molly weasley #arthur weasley #katriona cassiopeia #charles cromwell #jacob cromwell #my art #my writing #GAAAAHHHH BILLLL #I LOVE YOU SO FRIGGIN' MUCH MY PRECIOUS BOY ;~;#you go be a good big brother and best friend for carewyn you wonderful thing #also ooh hoo hoo~ orion you can claim you're not crushing but you aren't fooling anybody hahahaha #you'll figure out what you're feeling soon enough >D #we're learn more about how magic works in this universe as time goes on of course #but yeah rest assured there's still a lot to unravel in regards to what happened to jacob... >>#and of course this part is another reminder that charles cromwell is a no-good son of a b****

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yeselbeethings · 4 years ago

Text

moments from the village

pairing: yamato x reader

a/n: hmm, kind of free form... like it’s a reader insert but there’s bits filled in that are just generic to the idea of a character. Also the first thing I’ve written in like a thousand years..

synopsis: a few tender moments, scenes from your relationship with Yamato

warnings: nsfw content for the last few: general sex, fingering, oral, rough sex.

1. Yamato drinks genmaicha tea almost exclusively. The first thing he does when he comes home is make a steaming pot, and sit the well-worn armchair that occupies the corner of your living room and sips it slowly. He loves the nutty taste of toasted rice against the grassy earthy taste of the green tea. When it’s hot, you make him genmaicha lattes. Over brewing the tea and mixing it with brown rice syrup to sweeten it. You serve the drink over ice.

2. Yamato’s favourite desert is matcha cake. You roll a thin, rectangle of bright green sponge cake with lashings of sweetened whipped cream in the middle, slicing thick chunks and topping them with the first of the season’s strawberries. You meet him at the banks of the Naka river with the slices stored safely in a bag. You both kick of your shinobi sandals, tossing them behind you and dipping your toes into the cold water. You can’t think of anything more Yamato than the mixture of earthiness and sweetness.

3. For Yamato days off are reserved for reading architecture books. Yamato pours over each book in his collection, absorbing all the knowledge he can. His current obsession is shoin-zukuri. For his birthday, you buy him an expensive architecture model kit. He painstakingly completes it, gluing the delicate wooden pieces together over the next few nights. The model of the local temple lives on your shelving unit in the living room, sitting proudly next to the string-of-pearls you’d purchased from the Yamanaka’s flower store the day you moved in.

4. You always thought you disliked Kakashi Hatake. You’d never really spent much time with him, never been on missions together, and didn’t really understand who thought it was a good idea to place him in charge of a team of rookies. The dislike deepened once you and Yamato began dating; the constant stories of his teasing and cajoling your boyfriend bothered you. The first time you met properly, that all changed. Drinking beers and sharing steamed and salted edamame, you found yourself thinking that Kakashi had a wicked sense of humour, and silently thanked him for giving you new ammunition to rile Yamato up with. Yamato loves your friendship, but hates being the subject of your evenings jokes. You and the copy-nin become quite the double act and it makes Yamato’s heart soar.

5. The first time you meet Team 7, Yamato is overwhelmed - trying to keep the three teens in check, dodging their constant questions, the fighting, and the vying for your attention; the whole situation is an unmitigated disaster. You and Kakashi stay on your best behaviour, but share a look that screams - Can we please just get a beer after this? You both do this every day?! - You send an apologetic look in Yamato’s direction, you hadn’t thought that stopping to say hello as you passed them coming from the training grounds would cause such a commotion. Later, as you walk home from the bar you tell Yamato that you enjoyed the impromptu meeting in the end, that they’re his little family now, and how the whole thing had reminded you of when you were younger and you and your cousins would fight endlessly over any trivial thing. Yamato had never though this what having a family would be like, and he wonders to himself when those kids became so so important to him; deep in the pit of his stomach, he feels the ache of worry grow as he wishes that nothing tragic would happen to them.

6. Whenever Yamato catches you laughing with Genma his chest constricts. You laugh heartily at the tokubetsu jounin’s terrible jokes and, as always, engage in the friendly flirting that characterises your friendship. Yamato knows you’ve know each other for years, that there’s nothing more there than two comfortable friends. The part of him that recedes back into ROOT in times of panic tells him that you’d be better off with a man who’s name refers to natural alluring and dazzling lights. Genma asks you how things are with Yamato if you’re off the market for good? He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and glances over your shoulder. You follow his gaze, eyes landing on Yamato - who seems to have glazed over during a conversation with Ebisu. You look at your boyfriend and smile, catching his eye and whispering to Genma - oh yeah, this one’s a keeper. In the dead of the night, Yamato asks if he makes you happy and you tell him your world is full of harmony now. That you feel serene. Yamato’s heart feels as though it could burst from his chest.

7. Yamato has a bad habit of shouting at you when you hurt yourself absentmindedly. The first time it happens you’re not paying attention when slicing green onions for dinner. He snaps at you to run it under the cold tap and gets the small first aid box you keep in the kitchen. You snap back at him at first, you’re a kunoichi, you know what you’re doing with knives, this isn’t even serious, why are you being like this? Over time you realise it’s because he feels helpless when you injure yourself at home, it’s different to missions - home is where you’re safe. You stop snapping back, and he continues to treat your small cuts with disinfectant wipes and plasters. Sometimes you forget they’re there and feel a blush rising when Iruka mentions it when you pick up your assignments at the mission desk.

8. Yamato is old fashioned. He learnt so much of how to treat a partner from hearing what the older married ANBU used to talk about. He pours your drinks, pay for meals, offers you an arm to link when you walk, and kisses you chastely when in public. This has earned him a reputation for being shy, you know he is anything but.

9. You both spend your free time pouring over recipe books and buying second-hand cookbooks when you have downtime after long missions both in Konoha and other villages. You cook as much as you can and prepare meals together. The first time Team 7 comes to your tiny apartment, Sai and Sakura watch you both laugh and talk about anything and everything as you prepare a meal for everyone; soy milk ramen. You both drink wine and chop and stir and forget you even have guests, it’s only Naruto’s hungry grumbling that snaps you back into reality

10. You introduce him to your grandmother - the only living relative you have now - she tells him that he’s very handsome and he blushes all the way to the tips of his ears. Later she asks what he does and he tells her that he’s a jounin sensei. She eyes him with suspicion, making an off-handed comment about how in her day jounin sensei’s didn’t carry themselves so seriously, have such an intimidating posture or analyse every exit and escape route when they came for tea with old ladies. Later she corners you in the kitchen as you prepare desert, and she asks you what he really does, you whisper ANBU in her ear and she tells him over matcha cake that she’s glad you’ve found someone who will always protect you. Sometimes they play cards when you’re out of the village on missions, your grandmother chain smokes cigarettes and tells Yamato of the fights she had when she was an active kunoichi. Yamato knows she would kill him if he ever hurt you. He knows it would never come to that but loves the fire and passion running through her and how it’s been passed on to you. When she starts to forget herself, and slowly you, Yamato holds your hand in her tiny kitchen as tears roll down your face. In the night he weeps silently for her too. When she dies, she leaves all her ninja tools to Yamato, and her old engagement ring.

11. When you have sex, he sits cross-legged, your tights draped over his and your feet nestled into his hip creases. You lay the rest of yourself flat against the large bed you share, and he gently coaxes you to orgasm. He spreads you apart, and uses his thumbs interchangeably to rub your clit; up and down, or in soft circles, different speeds, and pressures. Sometimes he slips a finger inside you, stretching you gently and curling up inside you to pull you closer and closer to the edge. He uses his forearms to keep your legs pushed apart as they draw closer and closer in as you feel yourself slowly tipping over the edge. After your orgasm, he spends time rubbing down your shaking thighs and placing delicate kisses on your legs. He never rushes you to move, he never takes his eyes from your flushed face.

12. When you fuck, your legs are over his shoulders and his hands pinch your nipples. He drives into you and moans loudly. It is fast, and deep, and hard.

13. Sometimes you convince him to put on his old ANBU uniform. When he fucks you like this, he stands behind you and knocks your legs wide. One hand keeping you stead as he pushes you forward ruthlessly with the force of his trusts, the other hand wraps around your neck. Your hand claws over his gloved wrist, pushing his hand into you as you revel in the feeling of Cat choking you.

#yamato tenzo #yamato #yamato headcanons #naruto #naruto headcanons #naruto imagines #yamato x reader #reader insert #naruto shippuden #captain yamato #tenzou x reader #yamato tenzou #tenzo x reader

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dark-imagine-robots · 4 years ago

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Reveritale

((HERE IS THE 900 FOLLOWER CELEBRATION POST!!! In appreciation of so many of you guys following me and sticking around, here is a full/complete story/premise of my new Undertale au! This au also has the role switches based on spinswap, but the story itself and character developments were carefully put together by me and with help of a friend with some parts of it.))

((Questions are welcome, and things will get complicated in certain parts, or a little confusing if you don't read my Fun TOTC Facts posts.))

((This au is also one of the aus that will be involved in the TOTC Epilogue/Undertale Story as well since a character from the au will be extremely important to the plot of the story.))

There isn't that many alternate Papyruses out there, is there?

Maybe...that will change....

Rendering, one moment....

Ah, Reverie Papyrus... His full name being Gaioharmr, or Imago for short. Imago is no ordinary skeleton, nor is he a monster skeleton of the Undertale underground... he is a Skeleton Demon, a Overworld Skeleton Demon to be more precise. But he is a corrupted Skeleton Demons, a disfigured soul. As the more Bilhelm walks the Undertale multi-verse, the more his imprint infects the multi-verse. All though the multi-verse is not strong enough to replicate Bilhelm himself, oh, it will settle for the easier bits... his species... Skeleton Demons....

The more Bilhelm stays,

the more the multi-verse will fully be connected and linked to

The Unknown...

The story begins with a wandering, young skeleton demon.

This young skelly sprout was once told never to wander too far into the forest on the outskirts of his home, as there is a cavern that leads into the roots of the mysterious mountain known as Mt. Ebott. Which not even the humans dare wander to in there surface, as the tales go all the same, one would disappear within the territory of the mountain...

Much to everyone's dismay, and the adventurous soul of this skelly sprout, this warning and the tales slipped from his mind as he explored to his soul's content.

He ran, without a care in the world, then... he fell down...

To no one's surprise, the skelly sprout lives, or in other words, survived the fall. All skeleton Demons have the most durable bones with no one other to compare. However, the real surprise here was that he landed on a bed of golden flowers... in a place deeper than his own home.... a place where others lived... a society of monsters... the very monsters that were said to have been casted away by the humans a century ago... oh... but the real REAL surprise here is that someone was near that has seen the fallen skelly sprout.

Was this... another skeleton demon? No... their soul was unfamiliar and different. Different from those who were back home... What could be gathered was that this other young skeleton means no harm... Another skeleton who may have been roughly the same or a year older than the skelly sprout.

One thing was certainly however, this other skeleton means no harm... as he helped the skelly sprout up from the soft bed of flowers, he would ask the skelly sprout...

"Where did you come from??

The skelly sprout did not answer... his home... is what he would have said. But for some reason... those words did not form, he didn't know why... So, the skeleton asked another question...

"What is your name? If you don't mind me asking that question!! Sorry if asking you a skele-ton of questions isn't helping you since you fell and all..."

The skelly sprout giggles weakly at the pun, but manages to muster a answer for the other skeleton...

"My name is Imago..."

"That's a pretty cool name!!! My name is Sans! My moms would freak out if they saw you!! We never had anyone fall down here. Welcome to the Underground!!!"

Despite everything, despite being far from home... never to return... this other skeleton seemed to be the only presence of home. The skelly sprout never had close friends, nor did he have any siblings... So it felt nice for someone around his age range to actually help him and be so friendly to him.

It did not take long until the skelly sprout was taken into the other Skeletons home. The castle of the Queens of the Underground. To no prevail, the queens were indeed shocked to their cores to see their young prince bring in another skeleton. There were no other Skeletons that existed in the Underground except the prince and his biological father, who was the lead royal scientist and San's caretaker. At first, they did not believe the prince that this skelly sprout fallen from above. They thought that maybe there were other Skeleton monsters out there that they overlooked, and this monster tried to climb out from the Underground, and failed.

Seeing as the skelly sprout was indeed agreeing with the prince that what he was saying was true, Queen Undyne did not believe them and was getting rather frustrated. She assumed that this other skeleton was just another monster who was playing a trick on her son. Queen Alphys however, did not dismiss her son. She thought it was possible, so she called in Gaster to check the skelly sprout's soul to prove this dispute.

Dumbfounded, the queens and Gaster did not expect such a soul. As Imgo's soul was not white, nor was it upside-down. It was right-side up with yellow and orange as his colors. The strange thing here is that his soul did not pump, as if it were not alive. This proves the dispute clearly, this skeleton is no monster.

Oh... but that did not change the queens perception of the skelly sprout, as he was still a child... a very young child who was far, far away from home. There being no hope on the skelly sprout's return to his home. The skelly was reluctant at first, he did not want to wear what the queens wanted him to wear to show he has any relation to the family. But the queens respected the skelly sprout's delicious on this, as his own clothing was the only thing that came from his own home, along with the fact that if they are going to take him in, they must treat him as a son rather than property. It was only fair to let him wear what he wants and keep anything that reminds him of home.

Imago even let them call him by another name, as a thank you. They usually call him Papyrus, only using his real name in the more serious situations.

All in all, Imago was a part of the royal family of the Underground, now being the queens' second son and prince's brother. Unfortunately... Gaster has a difference perception of the skelly sprout, as he say him as something to study, research, experiment on. The skelly sprout did not like Gaster, with all his being, he did not like him one bit. When the queens noticed what Gaster was trying to do to Imago, Alphys ordered Gaster to cease his profession procedures as a scientist when in the presence of the skelly sprout, only act in the procedures as a caretaker when around the skelly sprout.

Once the two Skeletons began to grow slightly older, their magic became more apparent. All monsters have magic. Since Sans was made by Gaster, his magic was rather strong on its own with little effort.... however... Imago's magic was... different... it may have been stronger than any other monster's, even the prince's. As his magic did not stay in one category of magic, it was very interchangeable since Skeleton Demon magic is diverse, perfect/signature Skeleton Demon magic for the individual skeleton demon can only be discovered if they kept using their magic to find that perfecter/signature category to use most. Yet... due to Imago not having any other skeleton demon help properly teach, practice, and discover his magics, Imago simply went on to use whatever magic that he may muster to see what the outcomes and results occur himself. All the monsters, the queens, and sans were astonished and in joy of what Imago can do. Never did it ever cross their minds that his magic variety would pose as a threat, that is... until Gaster saw this as both an opportunity and a threat.

Gaster brought up the perspective that Imago's magic could potentially be dangerous to the royal family and the Underground. The queens were not entirely convinced, especially Undyne, as she found that her son's magic to have more benefits to the kingdom than anything. It took a long royal conference to finally convince her, but she finally allowed Gaster to make something that would essentially lower Imgo's magic and "protect" the Underground.

As expected, Imago and Sans were not happy with this decision. Without any delay, Gaster took Imago away and into the lab. It was only a matter of weeks until Gaster finally make the "solution to the problem"... gloves... but these gloves were made with fabric material that came far from the Underground... fabric that eases magic to be weaker than the original state of the wearer's magic. To make sure Imago could not take them off, he enforced gold cuffs to his wrists and the gloves, rendering it impossible to simply take off the gloves. Imago was devastated... like something that was a part of him was painfully ripped away from him. From here, Imago's hatred grew more towards Gaster.

To little to no prevail, Sans was thrilled to see Imago come back after such period of time. Upon seeing the gloves and Imago's emotions however, Sans knew that his magic was no longer able to be in easily accessible use. Along with the fact that having your own magic taken from you is among the worse things that can happen to anyone in the Underground. Sans had empathy, he felt hurt from his brother's loss and pain. But... that did not stop Sans from figuring out a way to make his own brother happy during this time of need. Even though Imago could not use most of his magic, he knew there was some magic he could still use, that being his very whimsical leaps that can send him flying high and down with grace. So, the prince took it upon himself to kind the best shoes in the kingdom, and once he did, he gifted them to Imago. This gift meant the world to Imago, not only do they feel comfortable for landings, but they were from his most beloved and trusted person, his brother. He cherished them with all his soul, and from that day would always do so.

Oh... When it all seemed calm and peaceful... Something came up... it was all sudden...

Gaster had the idea, a train of thought, that since his creation, his son, had more apparent magic it was finally time to put that magic to the test. He wanted to see what his creation was capable of, push him to his limits. He took sans from the castle for the day, the queens didn't have to allow it since Sans is his biological father, so Imago didn't know where his brother had gone for the day.

Sans was painstakingly pushed on and on to use his magic, pushed to use all of his magic to see the power of it all. He was powerful, but not powerful enough... he was pushed beyond his limit to finally show the power his father was looking for.... but... it took so much out of his the prince's soul...so much that it made the prince fall ill afterwards.

It was easy to lie to the queens, his excuse being that Sans was already sick and that's why he took him to his lab early that same day. Imago... Imago instinctively knew Gaster was lying. ALL Skeleton Demons can see through all souls, and Gaster's soul was rotten... he was lying... he did this to his brother.

Oh, how Imago's hatred grew more and more and more and more and more....

It was then when Imago decided to sneak out into the lab, his hatred grew into destructive behavior as he bashed and destroyed the lab machinery and equipment with his bare bones. That us until he found something... books.... these books didn't seem to be from the Underground however... they were different... The way they were crafter, so perfectly, the writing was more professional than any other writer of the Underground. A book on Skeleton Demons, they're myths histories, and inner workings. With the book was also research from Gaster, confirming how Imago was a Skeleton Demon and what he gathered from him all these years. Upon reading he book and the research... Imago finds our on his own that he could have been able to save his own brother, cure him of his sickness. Oh how he wanted those gloves off now, he wanted them off, but... he couldn't get them off... he just cries into them in defeat. But that hatred... His Hatred... it grew monstrous... his instincts were to kill Gaster...

The next day... it was the royal feasting. A gathering of the kingdom where everyone eats together in a harmonious celebration. Imago was not hungry however.... he had his sights on another game... The queens, Imago, gaster, and the royal gaurds were sat at their own table that faced the other tables that the kingdom's people sat upon. After a speech from the queens, and when everyone is settled with their own pick of drinks and food, Imago waited. Gaster only got a single cup of tea... when Gaster left his tea unattended for a moment, Imago took the opportunity to taint the tea with poison. After a few minutes of Gaster's first sip of the tea, the poison eventually kicked in, killing Gaster slowly and painfully. Alphys tried room come to Gaster's aid, but he dies anyway... as she did not know what was wrong until he finally dies and dusts. Imago watched it all, not in horror, but in terrifying and twisted satisfactory and joy. No one noticed Imago reacting this way.

Queen Undyne was furious, this was no accident. It was murder, a assassination to her... everyone in the castle were frightened, but also outraged from this incident. They all knew... they knew that upon killing the head royal scientist, the prince would die... as Gaster was the only one that knew how to cure his own creation... This realization then came to Imago. He didn't want to accept this... but it eventually sunk in when he realized his brother isn't getting better... after months of still being ill... the prince was only getting worse... he was dying... slowly.

The Final Day... Their Final Day... His Final Day...

Imago, being a Skeleton Demon, knew that his brother wasn't going to make it... Skeleton Demons knew when souls were going to die... Imago knew that today was going to be the day that his brother will be the taking his final breaths... It was only a matter of time. But... Imago could not bare the loss of his brother, not now, not today, not the next, and... not ever. Since Imago was not raised long enough in his own home, he would have been more accepting that his brother was soon passing away... but having been raised in a home that was not his own.... Death was not accepted... He didn't want his brother to go... and he was ready to risk his life in keeping him alive...

But having he guilt that he killed Gaster, and it being his fault that he killed the only person that could have helped his brother in the first place... it weighed him down. He did not regret killing gaster, but indirectly killing his brother is what ate him up from the inside out... it was his fault that Sans didn't get better... while he plans to save his brother, he also plans to justify himself...

Imago picked up his dying brother from his bed, and began making his way out of the castle. The queens were at the lab, desperately trying to help assist on creating a cure for their son. So they would not be able to witness nor stop what was going to happen next...

Once those castle doors opened, revealing only the skeleton demon holding his brother in his arms at the top steps into the castle, it caught the attention of every monster of the kingdom....

It was that Imago wanted...

Then... he opened his jaws, and confessed.

"I Killed W. D. Gaster. I poisoned the royal lead scientist, our caretaker... I am the reason why your prince will not be able to live tomorrow... I am the reason why he is not healthy and well today... Do as you must, as all of you are the only ones to put my actions to judgement..."

Everyone of the kingdom... we're outraged... they were all filled with hatred for Imago.... he did this, he did that...... it was all his fault.... he is not monster... he is an abomination from hell... a demon from the heavens.... a demon of death....

Imago accepted all the insults and words, as he began to walk down those steps and into the raging, violent crowd. He didn't care what he did to him, as long as they let him walk to his location, and let him carry his dying brother in his arms.

As he walked, he simply looks down at his brother has he walked into the crowd, which the crowd was now brutally beating Imago as he continued to walk and watch as his resting brother gave raspy breaths. One of these brutal blows ended up damaging and knocking Imago's head back away from the sight of his brother. He was a deep claw slash to the skull... his blood.... he bled sunflowers and Goldflowers...despite letting them all reduce imago to low health....he could not die....but his soul slowly shatters....... his head straightens up and back to his brother... Imago could no longer see his brother, but he could still feel that he was still holding him... as long as he hasn't dusted yet... until he gets to the final location... everything will be just fine.... just perfect... he had been in the Underground long enough to remember where the location was without having to see... he knew he was still going the right way...

They Reached it... they finally reached it... the crowd was gone... it was only Him and his brother.... the flowerbed... the same flowerbed where they first met... the flowerbed where the sky of the surface can peak through....

Imago gracefully fell to his knees with Sans in his arms... it was finally time... this was it...

Sans slowly and weakly opened his eyes, to see the sky that peaked through e Underground, the flowers.... and then up to his brother... Imago couldn't see it, but sans smiled at Imago before he began to turn to dust. Imago can feel the Sans begin to dust... his gloved hands began to tremble and his sockets produced tears... he doesn't want him to go.... no... his fingertips..his claws... now that he was older... his claws were sharp enough to tear open the tips of the glove... so, he gripped what was sans tightly enough that it tore the gloves... then Imago gave it his all into using his magic to save his brother... it almost seemed too late... as sans complete dusted and Imago could no longer feel his brother in his arms. But... he sensed that his soul was still there, it was working... he kept using his magic, but the strain... the strain on his own soul that was shattering... it was going to give in... so Imago gave it his all to make sure his brother's soul did not dust...

Upon doing so... Sans' soul remained to be alive... but Imago's soul bursted... his body, his bones... became a lifeless shell...inanimate...

Soon after that, the queens and the new lead scientist found Imago after what they have heard... despite what Imago has done, he was still their son... however, the queens did not notice Sans' soul... the lead scientist takes it before it could be discovered...

The Queens lost two children that day...

They would have prepared two different types of funerals, but they only could prepare one...

as Imago's remains disappeared...

They assumed he dusted too... but that is far from the truth...

((REBLOGS ARE MUCH APPRECIATED, PLEASE, THANKS!!! I LITERALLY FINISHED THIS AT 1 AM, GUYS.))

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valhallanrose · 4 years ago

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Astoria NSFW Headcanons

As the title suggests - NSFW, minors DNI or I’ll square up

Alright, easy stuff out of the way first:

Astoria is nonbinary, using she/they pronouns interchangeably

They identify as demisexual

Of my five (dear god, five) OCs, Astoria probably takes the longest to get into bed. Being demi means - for Astoria - is that they don’t feel sexual attraction until they’ve bonded with someone emotionally

They’re very sex positive, but there’s just no potential for one night stands or casual flings with them. The kind of emotional connection they need to experience sexual attraction isn’t something you’ll get from a handful of encounters or a single night spent around them.

Trust me, though, you’ll know when they’re to a point of experiencing attraction for someone - you could honestly just ask and they’ll tell you. When they know, they know, and they aren’t shy about it if they know the feelings are returned.

Astoria has two modes: power bottom or service top.

They can play other roles, but those two feel most comfortable to them and they’ll default depending on if they’re giving or receiving

Generally experimental, but they know what they like and they aren’t afraid to voice those opinions

Equal parts enthusiastic giving and receiving, they just enjoy the experience of being intimate with their partner

They like to kick things off with their hands - body worshipping, fingering/handjobs when applicable, just generally re-exploring their partner even if they’ve been with them many times before

When Astoria’s power bottoming, they like to challenge their partner

It’s nothing aggressive or degrading, unless it’s previously negotiated/discussed, but the words “Is that all you’ve got?” or “And what are you gonna do about it?” have passed their lips

Basically any and all brat fighting words, because they are a bit of a brat, and they definitely want the consequences of their words

Most of the time they just want to be obliterated, they’re definitely a ‘proper in the streets and a freak in the sheets” type

But if their partner wants to take their time, take things more slow and gentle? They better have quite a while set aside, because Astoria doesn’t particularly want to stop once they start

Topping is different for Astoria, they’re very comfortably a service top

While they love being treated a little more roughly when they’re being obliterated, the kind of obliterating they do to others is a lot more gentle

They prefer to take their time, listen to their partner ask for what they want, and give them that but upped about four levels to overstimulate them into next week

Follows a lot of cues from their partner, particularly body language

They check in a lot, but if their mouth is otherwise occupied, they’ll give their partner’s hand a squeeze - just to make sure they’re still enjoying what they’re doing

The fun part: kinks

Edgeplay, praise, mild degradation (giving), overstimulation, mutual masturbation, cock/strap warming, sensory play, bondage, brat/brat taming (though they tend to brat more)...

They are very much a fan of quickies and they’re pretty open to sex in semi-public places, like their office in the palace library

Also, I don’t know if this would fit voyeurism, but Astoria would be very happy to sit in their favorite armchair with a glass of scotch and watch their partner masturbate if they were into it - and maybe lend a hand if they ask nicely

Love a good face sit - they’re AFAB, and will smother you with their thighs if you give them the chance, but they would love to also be the one smothered

Niche fantasy - they’d blame the veritable piles of trash romance novels littered around their house - but they particularly want to be completely obliterated in their office. In the palace. The same office that has had a broken lock for eons.

They just really, really want to be bent over it or pinned to the top of it and for their partner to destroy them while they’re at it.

Bonus points if they get shaky knees after, the desk chair is pretty comfy and they’ll happily collapse there to recover.

Also the unintentional party trick of making AMAB partners pop a boner with their magic (but they’d never do it without discussing it or getting consent first)

#astoria fenharrow #lemon juice

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p1nkwitch · 4 years ago

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Ok, there are i think 5 more parts and the little arc is done, then it will be time for random bits, but maybe i will just put those directly into ao3 instead of here.

@nonbinaryeye Heeey angst fest! i feel you will like this.

Also one more thing for the next few chapters. I had to shuffle and rethink some aspects for the characters since there can only be one per session. So either Jon or Elias had to win the light player spot and im afraid its not Elias this time. Im happy with what i chose instead for him but its just a heads up. I feel it suits him well considering several of his actions.

Due to unforeseeable events that you refuse to divulge or go deeper into, you are currently tearing apart the room you are residing in. You are ELIAS BOUCHARD and you are furious beyond repair, beyond imagination and you are also HURT. That man has no right to hurt you. No right whatsoever.

PETER LUKAS is your husband and he has broken up with you, but not like usual. Not like any of the ways before. This was not him and you refuse to acknowledge it, the fact that he actually did by text was even worse. Your sprite and Jonah are both watching you in your destructive fury. Both with different expressions on their faces.

BARNABAS looks like he wants to say something, yet the acidic look that JONAHSPRITE gives him stops him on his tracks. His double is not destroying the room and the only reason he can think of is that the words that the lonely man used with him, actually cut him deep.

It had been cruel and callous in a way that Peter rarely was and even less with him, with either of them. After all he had been the first to say that Jonahsprite was just as real as he was. So to hear him say the opposite was quite jarring, not even that, but to be told he would prefer the cat back instead of him was unbelievable.

You pick up your INDESTRUCTIBLE CANE OF KNOWLEDGE and ask your question. The handle had a crystal 8 ball that would answer anything you needed.

“Does Peter Lukas love me?”

You wait for the answer, for the single word that has appeared every time you have asked that same question since getting the weapon in question. Sometimes you were in a land on your own and the man would not answer back your messages, so you asked the object and knew without a doubt that Peter was just being stubborn and nothing else.

Its not because you loved to hear the confirmation of it.

The ball goes from clear and shiny to dull and grey with fog inside it.

It takes a few seconds to comprehend what you just read, shaking it again you asks.

“Is Peter Lukas in love with me?”

You start to pace and breathe harder.

“Does Peter have any feelings for me??!!”

The words take longer to appear as if it was trying to parse them through, but the answer leaves Elias frozen in place, feeling a deep pit of despair.

HE FEELS INDIFFERENCE AND HATE

PETER LUKAS CAN'T CARE ABOUT JONAH MAGNUS

“Why?!” You punch and hit the wall out of pure rage instinct and hurt. The others in the room flinch. The anger, hurt and grief is too much and you end up letting a sound more animalistic than human.

You don't expect it to tell you an answer, it's not that good yet for full complete answers, but somehow it does.

It's not the answer you wanted.

THE EYE HAS NOT GLANCED TO THE LONELY

AND THE FOG HAS TAKEN A HOLD OF HIM

IT TOOK HIS HEART AND NOW ITS HOLLOWED OUT

THE SPIDER SPINS HER WEB ON HIM

AND NOW THE EMPTY MAN THINKS HE HAS NOTHING

CONGRATULATIONS YOU PLAYED YOURSELF

You are-

Elias is done with the narrative, done with the game and the web that got him here.

The thief of heart walks out while the other two follow, he goes until he finds the room he was looking for. Annabelle, Jon, Oliver, Martin, Basira and Melanie are there.

“So you started this and told no one?? What now, we are dooming another world again? Is that it, how many times can you-”

“What did you tell him Miss Cane?” The room goes quiet and everyone stares at him.

“What is wrong with you-”

“Melanie if you don't shut up i will leave you brain dead before you can stab me again. Annabelle what did you tell him to convince him to help?” Said woman was staring at him with mild interest, but did not seem to care much. Annabelle was the only one of them left who had not reached god tier and was in her original body.

Melanie started to move in his direction but the detective stopped her.

“I told him the truth, that there is no other way out, he went willingly if that's what you are concerned about. I did not lie or manipulate him in any way. As for anything else, i told him what he already was thinking, but did not want to say out loud” She waves him away as if it was nothing, as if she just didn't basically ensnared him and doomed him.

“You should treat your toys more kindly less someone else picks them up to play with them. Then again… you do have a history to turn a blind eye to the lonely when its picking apart something you care about” Her eyes turn to something on his back and he knows Barnabas and Jonah are there.

“What are you talking about?” Jonathan, curious as always.

“He just wants to know how I got Peter to help me start the scratch. I just asked very nicely and explained myself and he went willingly that's all, he starts it and Simon gets all of us out”

“Yes, but we leave him behind don't we?” Her smile has fangs on it.

“A price he was happy to pay as long as he was alone, it is the only thing he asked for” No, he is not losing this easily.

“Tell him to stop”

“I'm afraid I can't, and even if I did, he would not listen, too far gone. He is taking the worst parts of his aspect and mixing it with forsaken he is a lost cause now. I'm sure once we make a new earth you can find a replacement, it's in your nature after all to interchange Lukas for Lukas”

Elias is fairly reasonable, he only ever acts out in panic and when he knows he has an advantage.

Which is why he doesn't understand why the next thing he knows is that he is bashing her skull with the INDESTRUCTIBLE CANE OF KNOWLEDGE, over and over again, his ears were ringing and he was sure he could hear the others yelling at him, an arm tries to grab him and he shoves as much painful knowledge into the head of whoever is trying to stop him that they release him.

Before the first hit connected with her head however, Elias actually saw the surprise and fear in her eyes. Annabelle did not expect him to react like this.

She did not expect him to care at all.

By the time he is done, her body is lying on the ground with cobwebs and spiders spilling out of the remains of her crushed head. Breathing hard he looks around and sees everyone with their weapons raised at him, except for Basira who was on the floor holding her head and Oliver who merely nodded at him.

He already knew someone was going to die.

Oh.

“I- i think i might have overreacted” The faces of sheer incredulity hit him and before any of them try to stop him Jonah grabs his shoulder.

“He will be in the land of Time, if we hurry..” They won't make it back he knows.

Elias doesn't want to die, but he is so angry at Peter.

No, he is furious at him. After all this time and after everything.

This is not how it ends.

Holding the cane he makes a run for the window and jumps out.

He flies as fast as he can to go and beat up his husband to death. If Peter shall die it would be by his hand, he won't let him leave him first, not like this. Elias will never let him have the last word over him and will not let him die like he wants either.

#tmastuck #magnustuck #Elias finally lost his cool #Peter has a big storm coming his way #also there is a reason why he acted that way #it will be furhter explained later #along with what he actually said #that pissed off Elias so badly #also awww he cares for him <3

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theflannelwizard · 4 years ago

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Bobert and/or Tobias Wilson headcanons, please?

bobert first!

gender- i see bobert as a boy :)

sexuality- i haven’t given a ton of thought to this one honestly! i like the thought of bobert being gay but i also don’t really ship him with anyone (yet) so idk!

OTP- i don’t have one, but if anyone has any good bobert ships, send them my way! i’m open to anything!

BroTP- juke!!! he’s super close with teri, too, but juke is his closest friend. they have the sort of brotherly bond that bobert often can’t find due to his overly literal nature. juke and bobert have such a tight bond that they don’t even have to talk half the time. just being close to each other is enough. but when they do talk, they understand each other’s senses of humour in ways that no one else does. their inside jokes are bizarre, personal, and hilarious to only them.

NoTP- bobert had better not end up with someone who takes advantage of him (cough cough gumball) or someone who sees him as just a robot. even if his feelings aren’t always his first priority, he does have them, and his partner would have to take the time to learn how to read and understand him.

A fun dynamic they would have- bobert also hangs out with sussie sometimes, because he doesn’t mind how different she is. to him, she’s no weirder than gumball or masami, because he sees the world through his own lens. sussie and bobert don’t need to have a deep or intense bond, they just bounce sussies complete lack of logic off boberts complete dependence on it and something interesting always happens. they also honestly like each other, and neither judges the other.

Any other fun headcanons or things i wanted to elaborate on- i like to think that bobert and juke are both autistic. i know that headcanoning a robot as autistic is kinda :/ but i’m autistic myself and i see myself in both of them! they understand each other on a deeper level since they kinda get how each other’s brains work, and knowing they have each other makes both of them more confident. bobert also has very rigid ideas of what makes someone his friend, and he sometimes has trouble adjusting to the idea that relationships can change with time. if gumball was his friend yesterday, why is he acting in unfriendly ways today? if masami wasn’t his friend yesterday, why is she asking him for a pencil? isn’t sharing only between friends? as he grows up he gains a more complex understanding of how friendships and relationships work, and is less and less confused by the world around him.

now for tobias!

gender- trans boy!!

sexuality- tobias is gay but deeply closeted and his ladies’ man personality is a front so nobody figures him out. why do you think all girls are interchangeable to him? it’s the combination of being not attracted to them and being raised by harold “misogyny” wilson

OTP- .......ocho........ i’ve seen content for this and it’s honestly adorable. i could also see him with leslie? for someone who’s so obviously gay, leslie doesn’t seem to get shipped around much. actually, yknow what? ot3. tobias acts like he thinks he’s hot shit for having Two Boyfriends, but he’s actually a dumb soft mess for both of them and can’t believe how lucky he is. ocho is super protective of his boyfriends, and leslie sets them up with coordinated halloween costumes, cute cupcakes on their birthdays, and tickets to fashion shows and musicals. tobias loves that he and leslie are the jock/cheerleader trope, and he tries to show off to leslie as much as he can. he also plays video games with ocho all the time once darwin stops hanging out with him. sometimes ocho will help tobias prank his dad, but it usually gets out of control pretty quickly when that happens. ocho was tobias’ first kiss, and leslie knew about it right away. he pretended to pout for a while, like “ooOhh, i see how it is, you two got to kiss but there’s no love for poor little leslie,” and even though both of them saw right through it, tobias and ocho showered him with affection the next time they were together outside of school. all three of them are super supportive of each other! ocho comes to games and watches tobias play and leslie cheer/play in the band, tobias and ocho come to leslie’s recitals, leslie cheers on ocho and tobias when they enter video game competitions, etc. i’m actually really invested in this now and i might have to draw these three.....

BroTP- honestly, this isn’t an orthodox answer, but his mom. i love that tobias is so close with his mother, and i imagine that when he’s in high school, jackie and harold get a divorce. tobias is right there with his mom, and rachel offers as much support as she can from college. with harold gone, the wilson family is a little tight for money but way happier. tobias stays close to his mom through his entire life, and she always makes an effort to be there for him. she canonically offered to buy him makeup, and i bet he takes her up on that offer once he’s more self confident. leslie and tobias’ mom have equal influence in how tobias styles his makeup when he does wear it, and jackie even helped him pick out his name when he came out as trans. she’s an absolute icon of a mother and tobias knows he can always count on her :)

NoTP- tobias and penny. he was kind of a gross creep to her, and she wasn’t interested, so i don’t think anything good could come of a relationship between those two. it also doesn’t help that i see tobias as gay

A fun dynamic they would have- tobias and rachel!!! rachel makes it pretty clear that she thinks she’s too cool for her little brother, but what’s their relationship like when she isn’t in public with a reputation to uphold? is she secretly a fun and caring big sister who just knows clare wouldn’t approve? is she really a bully to tobias? she respects his name and pronouns, but does she make fun of him for other things? is she outwardly mean to him but secretly treasures him? there are so many ways this relationship could go!

Any other fun headcanons or things i wanted to elaborate on- once harold is out of the picture, tobias starts drinking his respect women juice. he learns, with help from his mom and sister, that women deserve to be treated well and it doesn’t make him look cool to be a jerk. he also figures out that a lot of what he was expressing was internalized self hatred because he wants so badly to “pass” as a boy, and once he’s more at peace with himself he cleans up his act and actually becomes friends with some of the girls he used to hit on. masami is best friends with leslie, so she naturally got to know tobias a little better once they got together, and eventually tobias and the majority of the cheerleaders were either friends or casually on good terms.

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callistolivia · 5 years ago

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Ancient Genetics, The Ascendant, and Physical Appearance

It’s been about two years since I posted a complete list for interpreting how the ascendant plays a part in the physical appearance and I think an updated version is long overdue.

My original post was research mostly compiled from Evangeline Adam’s book “Your Place in the Sun.” At the time, I was really only just starting to get into astrology and thought this was somewhat of a holy grail for interpreting the ascendant. I had also obtained an illustrated book by Howard M. Duff titled, “Astrological Types.” The book showcases caricatures of each of the signs. This book was great for illustrating the way the signs behaved physically as well as specific physical details, except there was one major issue with this book; all of the drawings were clearly euro-centric and 9/12 of them were male depictions. This ultimately makes the book useless to anyone who wants to study people. Having more years of experience, I now have a strengthened intuition and felt the need to explore ancient genetics and their correlation to astrology. I had already previously looked into astrological rulership over countries in this post. The information in that post was gathered from Rex E. Bills’ “The Rulership Book.” This book is a directory on astrological correspondence to just about everything. The information in that book was collected from several astrologers therefore it has some credibility. My only concern is how relevant the information is now as it was written in the 70s– biases may prevail. I personally would not recommend that book to anyone with a poor intuition. My post on countries/places needs an update as well for I haven’t stopped to ask why those are the designated rulerships to those countries and places. I’ve become more and more interested in exploring ancient civilizations, studying their culture, religion, and politics and drawing the astrological correspondence to such. I now also feel that it is necessary to provide people with astrological correspondence to ancient genetics and backgrounds when discussing the ascendant’s influence on physical appearance because of the importance of genetics itself. The biggest argument against astrology’s influence on physical appearance IS genetics, but the thing is, they’re all tied together. I would like to note that this is only the beginning of my research. These are my findings now, and are subject to expand or change in the future (as we saw with my last post on physical appearance.)

I came up with an explanation using astrology as a tool (as one may say astrology is meant to be a tool for understanding the universe). Using the laws of astrology, evolution of modern man and genetics can be explained with rulerships and symbolism of planets, houses, signs, and their relationships between each other.

In the chart I’ve created, I’ve labelled the Imum Coeli (IC) “Ancestor” for the reasons being that modern man came out of maternal roots both literally and symbolically. The rises and falls of man can easily be represented through the ages of time and just after the Golden Age of Leo, the world entered the Age of the Mother Goddess; a time of matriarchal society. At this time, Cancer and Lunar themes influenced society and cultures and ideas, as does the following sign in the following age and so on. I emphasis the significance of the Age of Cancer to modern man as Cancer would then represent ancestry to us in the future and its opposing sign, Capricorn would represent history to us as well. Modern man’s genetics are rooted in the sign Cancer, respectively.

(Above – Khoi-san girl and her grandmother)

The roots of modern man are said to be traced back to South Africa from the once thriving Khoi-San tribe. What is particularly interesting about this ancient rooted tribe is their culture and how it heavily focuses on retained and unchanged tradition (a very Cancerian influence). Not only that, but the retained traditions are very watery in essence; weddings are considered private ceremonies, death is treated as a very natural occurrence (very different from how its treated in Western culture nowadays), trancing and spirit world travelling are practiced, shamanship is practiced, some groups revere the moon, hunter-gatherer style of living is still put into practice, adeptness in observing behaviour patterns of animals (habitual behaviour ruled under the Moon). Another particularly interesting aspect of their religious practices is the trance dance practiced by the shamans. They describe reaching their spiritual trance having a lot to do with a “stomach potency” and if you know astrology, then you would see the significance in correlation of the stomach to the sign Cancer. Apparently the trance dance has an affect on the stomach muscles and alters posture in the people who practice it too. Among other evidence to demonstrate their watery influenced society and culture, I think it’s fair to say Khoi-san tribe is ruled under the Moon and is ruled under Cancer. This being the case, and if the Khoi-san tribe are carriers of the earliest genetics to modern man, then it makes perfect sense to associate man’s physical and cultural roots to the sign Cancer and the Moon.

(Above map – from this website)

At some point, our ancestors obviously migrated to parts of Northern Africa and then some groups eventually out of Africa to escape the direct sun when albinism began to occur and the un-melaninated people could not survive in the conditions so close to the equator. From there, we see civilizations develop in all parts of the world with genetic variations and varying levels of melanin, but all traces back to their Cancer ruled roots. I believe Saturn/Capricorn’s cardinal direction marks historical moments in genetics and respectively opposes the Moon and the roots in the graph illustrated. While Saturn may represent recessiveness, we have to keep in mind that its traditional rulers were both Capricorn AND Aquarius (Aquarius now ruled by Uranus in modern astrology and that discovery itself also signifies evolution...). If we consider the recessive qualities of Saturn along with the rapid and sudden evolutionary qualities, we could see this opposition symbolizing the sudden variation in genetics; when recessive genes are activated. An example of this is the first occurrence of albinism in genetics as well as any other sudden opposites of the dominant genetics in humans. An example of the Aquarian evolutionary qualities could be how humans have become much taller in height overtime. The next component to be addressed in the chart is the other cardinal directions being occupied by Mars and Venus. Aries/Mars and Libra/Venus, as opposed to Cancer and Capricorn, symbolize a forward direction. In Stephen Arroyo’s book, Astrology, Psychology, & The Four Elements he writes, “The cardinal signs represent centrifugal radiating energy and correlate with the principle of action in definite direction. The “positive” cardinal signs, Aries and Libra, are concerned with action in the present, based upon future considerations.” So while the negative cardinal archetypes occupy what is significant in the past, we can say the positive cardinal archetypes symbolize future outcomes. It’s also important to note that Mars is in most cases considered a malefic planet whereas Venus is in most cases considered a benefic planet; it is particularly notable depending on what interchanges they make with other planets, in this case interchanges between them and either the Moon or Saturn. I’ve categorized the interchanges as ascending, descending, recessing, and prevailing labelled on the chart (figure 1). I’ve also included the Sun in this equation for the sake of unity and as well as its symbolism being the life giving planet; its qualities being warm, moist, and light. The “prevailing” interchange (Moon-Venus) symbolises dominant, unmasked genetics that are, for the most part, benefic. The “recessive” interchange (Mars-Saturn) symbolises recessive, masked genetics that are, for the most part, malefic. The ascending and descending interchanges represent a very unique relationship that these interchanges have according to laws of astrology.

In Robert Zoller’s, The Arabic Parts in Astrology, he explains very clearly important relations planets have with each other. The figure above is the “Septenary.” It symbolises the polarization between one planet to another and then how it is reconciled by a third point. I highly recommend this book even if you have no interest in Arabic parts because it goes over core principles in astrology. If we go back to the idea that Sun is always in the equation for creation, then you will see that the Sun in the Septenary has two paths, the Moon and Saturn. When creation (the Sun) chooses the path of the Moon, it is reconciled in Mars. When creation chooses the path of Saturn, it is reconciled in Venus. So the ascending path (Moon-Mars) thus symbolises masked genetics that manifest under Mars’ positive qualities and the descending path (Saturn-Venus) then, respectively, symbolises unmasked genetics that manifest under Venus’ negative qualities because it has to compensate for cold, dryness of Saturn.

What I would like people to take from this is an astrological perspective of genetics. I created the chart (figure 1) as, and only, an explanation for modern man’s emergence and how we can categorize different genes (but not just genes– culture, society, psychology as well) within these archetypes and planets and the relationships between each other. The main issue with my original post on physical appearance was the lack of explanation for why this was associated with this archetype or this planet. There are definite reasons why, for example, Aries is associated with red hair despite it being the rarest hair colour and its occurance in people is also rare, especially if the person’s genetics are deeply rooted to their ancestors, then it’s impossible, if not next to. It is because at some point in history an unmasked gene is activated and is ruled by whichever planet or whichever archetype respectively.

Just a side note; if any of you are particularly interested in learning more about genetics and not from an astrological perspective, I highly recommend this website. The writers have dedicated an immense amount of effort into bringing forth truth. They primarily focus on black history for the main reason being that it’s been heavily white-washed.

I feel now I can actually move into the actual ascendant descriptions having stressed the importance of genetics and roots above all. Also, with all of this emphasis on roots and ancestry, it may be worthwhile to take a look at the Imum Coeli’s condition in one’s natal chart in correlation to that. Just like in my previous post on physical appearance, I cannot stress enough how important it is to realize I am not telling you what you look like based on your sign. I’m putting this info out here to help you understand why certain features about you or someone else are the way they are as well as help you spot the rising signs in people! I also need to stress yet again that aspects to the ascendant (especially conjunctions), planets in the first house, the condition of the chart ruler, the Sun sign, domicile planets, and stelliums can all be significant influencers to a person’s appearance. So I shouldn’t be bombarded with asks saying “I look nothing like that!” once this finally gets posted, right? This is meant to be a tool for people to understand correspondence to astrology’s physical manifestations. Each description of the signs is the archetype in its extremes, so by all means, an individual of such and such ascending may not have all the characteristics of that sign. I will also include some notes on planetary influences in this post so you can understand how a planet will interact with the ascendant.

Without further ado, the signs,

Aries

The Aries ascendant often walks head first in a pioneer fashion and the ancient groups of Aries-influenced people were quite pioneering literally. The body usually doesn’t hold onto fat and builds muscle quite easily. Aries ascendants are prone to issues relating to the skin such as acne or eczema. The skin is usually quite textured and dry. Caucasian Aries folk may even have a very apparent ruddy complexion. When Aries manifests in its particular forms, red hair and white hair genetics manifest as well as unpigmented, large eyes. There tends to be two different types of Aries rising, the first type carries a care-free, yet curious expression. Their eyes are as luminous and big as Pisces, but lack the daze. The eyebrows are honest and unsuspecting in the first type. In both types, the eyebrows tend to be bushy which is obviously more apparent in dark haired Aries. The head shape looking at it from a profile angle is convex making the chin not very prominent (some dramatic illustrated examples below.)

Looking straight on in both types, they usually have a heart-shaped face. The second type has a keener expression; the eyebrows are more arched and lower to the eyes. The chin is slightly more distinguished than the first type. The nose on either type can be big or small, but is often pointed and is often bigger on the first type and smaller on the second. There may be a bump in the bridge. Both types are drawn to warm colours and that may be expressed through wearing lots of reds or choosing to dye their hair reds or blondes. Some astrologers claim that people with the Aries appearance have a distinct Aries symbol apparent to their face in the way that their forehead and eyebrow bones are shaped, you will see that in the third celebrity example quite prominently. Mars (Planetary ruler of Aries and Scorpio) can be associated with freckles, so it is not uncommon to find that people with significant Mars or Aries influences have freckles, or rather, their freckles are trademark to their appearance. Aries is more associated with freckles clusters, light freckles, and birthmarks and Scorpio is more associated with beauty marks and dark moles.

(Above – Rihanna. Listed as an Aries rising on Astrotheme so its subject to inaccuracy, but she has definite Aries features to her; heart shaped face and keen expression. Eyes are lighter in colour which is also a common Aries manifestation.)

(Above – Tyra Banks. Listed as a Cancer rising on Astrotheme, so again, its subject to inaccuracy for the exact time, but her birth day makes her a definite Aries Moon and Aries Mars; a significant amount of Aries energy to see Aries qualities in the ascending expression. Lighter eyes once again being a very Arian manifestation, but also the choice to fashion lighter hair.)

(Above – Leonard Nimoy. Aries sun and listed as a Scorpio rising on Astrotheme, so the exact time of birth is subject to inaccuracy. But this is the perfect example of face shape many astrologers describe Aries folk to have; the brow bones curving into the nose in such a way that looks like the symbol for Aries.)

(Above – Devon Aoki; exact birth time unknown, Leo Sun, Aries Moon, Mars in Scorpio)

Taurus

The Taurus ascending takes a slow approach in their movements. Their movements are also graceful (unless the chart ruler is badly placed, then the Venusian aspects are poorly expressed). Often they have stocky bodies and broader shoulders; female Taurus tend to be curvaceous. Their build is a representation of Taurus’ ability for resistance; they can carry a lot on their shoulders either metaphorically or literally. There’s a general warmness to the presence of true Taurus risings. Their hair is often deep, warm colours with a luxuriousness to it. Their eyes are often deep and warm– the same goes for complexion. Staple Taurus risings often have clear complexions (afflicted Venus or prominent Mars aspects will contradict clear complexions) and warm undertones. Their skin has a firm essence and evokes the desire to touch! They appear unprovokable and quiet while they may not be. Facial features in general are either full or wide– full lips, wide nose bridge, wider jaw, wider glabella, etc. The face shape is quite square which is common for fixed signs and their profile is straight.

(Above – sketched interpretations of Taurus rising.)

(Above – Celebrities with Taurus rising ((no, this is not the line-up for the next Twilight movie)); George Lucas, Taurus Sun, Taurus Ascending; Mariah Carey, Aries Sun, Taurus Ascending; Taylor Lautner, Aquarius Sun, Taurus Moon, Taurus Ascending; Robert Patterson, Taurus Sun, Taurus Ascending.)

(Above – Gigi Hadid, Taurus Sun, Taurus Ascending.)

None of the celebrity examples really demonstrate the wider glabella I mentioned before, likely due to their other influences, but I’ve seen it first hand in Taurus risings. The brows are often either further apart or even alined perfect to the nose. The bridge of the nose is almost aligned with the nostrils. In the context of mass, the nose can manifest either big or small, but it does not extend outward the same way Aries risings are.

Gemini

When a person’s ascending sign is in Gemini, their movements are quick and sometimes nervous and fidgety. Gemini rising can speed up the movements of even the slower sun signs, such as Taurus. They tend to use a lot of hand/arm movements when expressing themselves. Their eyes often appear surprised or alert most of the time and their movements are also quick and dart around. There is a child-like interest or curiosity they have with their environment; there is a need to absorb everything in their immediate environment. We can see this in Gemini’s need for variety in social situations. Geminis (both rising and sun) love stories and learning– this voluntary mental activity is what really keeps them appearing youthful.

In Howard M. Duff’s interpretation of Gemini (caricature above) he points out that Gemini risings tend to have “Gemini Bumps” which are prominent temples in the skull. Sometimes Gemini risings also have a higher, more receded hairline in this area too, making the temples more prominent. Overall, Gemini risings tend to have sharp or bony features, especially in the more masculine expressed ones. Cheekbones and jawline can be quite prominent. Gemini rising’s nose can be big or small, but is usually on the small side, especially in feminine expressed Geminis. Their nose can be long and pointed or short and snub, but the main recurrence in Gemini noses is the round tip and lack of a bump in the bridge. Their lips can be wide or thin, but are often flat and look very compressed when their mouth is closed. Their eyes are more often further apart than centered and lower than risen (or rather, they appear lower with a proceeding and longer skull). Their bony and sharp features may result in very defined eye sockets. Their skull and face can either appear somewhat long or short and small; it’s important to note the changeability mutable signs have. The short and small face variation are especially prominent in femininely expressed Geminis and are often described by people as “pixie-like” with their small chin, round face, and button nose. Gemini rising’s body shape is usually thin, lanky, and tall. Very rarely can they hold onto fat. They usually have a very active metabolism and in medical astrology terms, one might consider the prominence of Gemini/Mercury in malefic disposition having a connection to hyperthyroidism. Obviously, prominence of say, Taurus or water archetypes may generate the opposite in a person; it is very possible for a Gemini rising to also not be thin if we consider other factors, as we should.

(Above – Lauryn Hill; Exact birth time unknown; Gemini Sun, Gemini Mercury, prominent fire influences as well. She has very feminine, Gemini facial features; pixie-like face shape, compressed lips, position of the eyes... It’s also important to note her musical talent and her versatility (writing, rapping, and singing) being a very Gemini characteristic.)

(Above – Billy Idol; Gemini Ascending, Sagittarius Sun, Gemini Moon. He has Gemini facial features in his face shape and positioning of his features.)

Cancer

People with Cancer rising, more often than not, have larger bodies. The feminine, watery archetype naturally holds onto fat and water weight. Their body shape can be curveious or round. In some cases there are boneier Cancers, and even in the plump Cancers, their faces are still well defined; high defined cheekbones, chin, skull definition, etc. Cancer risings are not, by any means, slow in their movements. They can exert a ton of energy in their movements and are a close second in terms of strength in comparison to the other powerful water sign, Scorpio. Cancer’s face is often round; the skull is also round and sometimes bulbous. Cancer’s profile is usually straight and flat As mentioned before, they tend to have high, defined cheekbones, but do not look under-nourished as Virgo or Gemini can look sometimes; they tend to have full cheeks, and a clear complexion– a face of good health in terms of shape and texture. Their complexion is a reflection of the moon, Cancer’s ruler. Their skin is reflective, moist, and bounces/absorbs light. A Cancer’s complexion usually has quite cool undertones and Cancers lacking melanin are very pallid and sometimes sallow looking. They tend to have full, round lips and short, snub, sometimes upturned, noses. If the Lunar energy is weak in the Cancer rising’s chart and Jupiter or Saturn carries prominence, this will modify the nose to either be hooked down and bumpy or bony and defined. Cancer ascendants are usually described as having large, luminous eyes, but over time observing Cancers, this isn’t a feature that stands out to me as being Cancerian, especially as Cancers get older, their wrinkles in a sense “water-out” the eyes and make them appear small and not a facial focal point of Cancers. If there is something to be said about Cancer rising eyes, there is a sense of vulnerability in their gaze. May have defined eye sockets like Gemini.

(Above – Lisa Bonet; Scorpio sun, Taurus moon, Cancer rising. Quite a bit of Scorpio qualities to this Cancer rising, but the lunar qualities are still present.)

(Above – Liv Tyler; Cancer Sun, Cancer Rising, Saturn in the first house.)

Leo

Leos generally have a sense of regality or loveliness about them, but loveliness unlike a Taurus or Libra, for they are not always conventionally alluring, rather they exempt loveliness through their level of self-appreciation and self-expression. This is demonstrated by the way they hold themselves (some go to the extent of walking chest first) and grooming. Though stereotypical, their hair can be of prominence; lots of volume, often thick, curly, and textured. Despite a Leo’s hair being their pride, Leos can be prone to balding. Their face often has some sort of beast-like or catty quality to it, especially the more feminine expressed Leo possess cat-like resemblance with the positioning and shape of their eyes and nose. Facial proportions and sizes tend to be average and their facial profile is usually straight (if not straight, they may have an underbite profile). Their lips have a definite cupid’s bow shape, similar to Libra. Their body is usually triangular shaped; slim hips -broad shoulders ratio. In a Leo ascending’s youth, fat tends to stay off the body, but if they dabble in pleasures in excess as they get older, they may become somewhat top heavier; fat is distributed to the stomach, shoulders, and face/neck. Their skin’s complexion is often clear, but in bad health the skin can become noticeably textured and inflamed. Leo lacking melanin can become noticeably ruddy; some are naturally ruddy in complexion (some Leos are prone to rosacea), but environment and the body’s condition plays a large part.

(Above – Emmanuelle Béart; Leo Sun, Leo Ascendant)

(Above – Maria Grazia Cucinotta; Leo Sun, Leo Moon, Leo rising)

(Above – Jack Nicholson; Taurus sun, Leo Ascendant)

(Above – Socrates (artistic depiction); said to be a Taurus sun, Cancer moon, Leo rising according to this source. Appearance wise, it is extremely plausible that Socrates was a Leo rising, but I also think it’s plausible that he was a Cancer rising. He has both very Cancerian and Leoian physical traits about him if the depictions of him are accurate. In both cases, his chart ruler fits certain physical traits as well. Read Cancer’s description as well to see what I mean. I see a fascinating resemblance to Jack Nicholson who is also a Taurus sun, Leo rising.)

Virgo

Virgo ascending often has the same quick quality in terms of movement as Gemini, but it seems with intent and precision (and this makes sense for the analytic earth sign). There can also be the same sense of nervousness as Mercury ruled charts makes the body’s nerves sensitive. If very airy, their body will most likely be quite petite, but if they’re more earthy, then their body will be bulkier. Often quite tall in stature. A prominent feature of Virgo’s is their nose in relation to their eyes; often their face looks as if it’s slightly pinched at the bridge between the eyes. The brow is quite straight, unlike an Aries for example. Their nose is straight, long, and down pointing; sometimes bird-like. Their nostrils may be wide, risen, or flared looking. The eyes are most often small, or present smallness and darkness. Their face is often oval in shape, but I’ve seen plenty of Virgo risings with a rather short face, vertically speaking. Many astrologers have pointed out the mutuableness of Virgo risings makes other placements in a chart easily overpower it’s appearance, so spotting Virgo risings with other prominent influences in their chart can be quite difficult. I’ll include a handful of celebrity portraits for a bit (and I mean literally only a bit because Virgo’s appearance really ranges) of Virgo rising’s dynamic range with other influences.

(Above – Uma Thurman; Virgo rising with a Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, and Mercury in Taurus.)

(Above – Augustus (artistic depiction); said to be a Virgo Rising with a Virgo Sun and Capricorn Moon)

Libra

Libra risings can easily be described as the socialite of the zodiac, although that may only be in appearance as there are also recluse Libra risings too, when other placements contradict that (such as the person’s lights). They possess a natural social quality because of Libra’s magnetic and charming energy; people are drawn to them even if they aren’t a people-person. Libra risings often look very “put together” in the way they dress and present themselves. Unlike Taurus, the other Venus ruled ascendant, Libra risings are not likely to possess stocky bodies, however can be prone to weight gain (moreso later in life than in youth). Individuals with a heavy amount of Libra influences may be prone to indulgence. Libras like pleasure, so when an individual is a true socialite Libra, they are often put into an environment where they have access to excessive amounts of alcohol, sugar, food, etc. and this would be where proneness to indulgence is rooted. However, there are Libras who are just naturally plus-sized, especially later in life (and there are natural causes to that such as a change in the body’s hormones as one ages.) Libras tend to have curvaceous body types; the lower back and buttocks especially being a shapely feature. A Libra’s facial profile is often straight and the face itself may be flat and round similar to Cancer risings. Their nose can range in size and length, but the bridge is often straight. Nostrils may be wide or flared; looking straight-on the nostrils and nasolabial folds can be described as having a distinct definition to them. Being ruled under the hot planet Venus, Libras tend to have a lot of warm physical characteristics. This includes having warm or olive undertones in the skin, deep, warm hair colours (either by choice or naturally), and warm eyes. Although eye colour itself can range and is strongly tied to genetics, it is more of a Libra trait to have darker eye colours, especially deep browns and black. Libras tend to have a laidback and friendly expression in the eyes. Their eyes can naturally enchant others; they can really make a person feel listened to when a Libra is focused on them. Sometimes the iris appears as if they may be wearing circle lenses or as if they were painted on, similar to a doll’s glassy eyes. Their lips can range in size, but often have a defined cupid’s bow. While plenty of non-Libra individuals may have dimples, dimples are correlated to the sign Libra. Overall, Libras tend to have softer features.

(Above - Dwayne Johnson; Taurus Sun, Capricorn Moon, Libra rising, Uranus within 5 degrees of the ascendant)

(Above – Kate Winslet; Libra sun, Libra moon, Libra rising.)

(Above – Raven Symoné; Sagittarius sun, Scorpio moon, Libra rising.)

Scorpio

Scorpios are probably the most distinct looking and easiest to spot. Scorpios tend to have stocky, broad bodies. Sometimes there are very petite manifestations too. They may be tall and the ones who aren’t tall make up their height in their powerful presence. Just about everything about Scorpio rising’s appearance is distinct and defined. Their eyebrows are often dark, thick, and sharp. The brow bone is often low and the eyes are positioned with depth. Their eyes hold a strong, keen expression. Often the eyelids are not very defined, usually hooded. Although you don’t need to be a Scorpio to have an epicanthic fold, hooded eyes and monolids have a correlation to the sign Scorpio. Scorpio rising’s hair is usually dark or fashioned dark. Their nose makes their profile very distinct. Their nose can range in size and is often hooked and may have a bump in the bridge. The nostrils are usually flared, risen, and possess a bit of a snarl to them. Many astrologers describe their nose to be “bird-like,” but that may confuse them with Virgo risings who also have a “bird-like” nose and vice versa. I have a whole post on the differences between Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces noses here. When Scorpio risings speak, the words come from their teeth rather than their lips. What I mean by this is if you consider the opposite, a person who really enunciates with their lips, you can get an idea of a person who enunciates with their teeth. Their skin is usually of a clear complexion, although being a water elemental, the skin leans more towards oily rather than dry and being ruled under the planet Mars, acne can be common. Their skin tends to have golden or warm undertones. I mention in the Aries section that Mars has a correlation to freckles. It is not uncommon for Scorpio risings to have distinct beauty marks or moles and other dark freckles.

(Above – Priyanka Chopra; Scorpio Ascendant, Cancer Sun, Gemini Moon)

( Above – Björk Guðmundsdóttir; Scorpio Ascendant, Scorpio Sun, Scorpio Moon)

(Above – Leonardo DiCaprio; Libra Ascendant, Scorpio Sun, Mars and Venus in Scorpio, Pluto 5 degrees away from the Ascendant)

Sagittarius

Sagittarius’ are notoriously considered by most astrologers as “horse-looking” based on their face shape and stature/posture, but I personally regard them as more deer or doe looking (though you could argue horses and deer aren’t much different I suppose).

Their face and skull are long in profile, the forehair may be very sloped. They usually have long noses, but it will range in mass. There may be a bump in the bridge or it may just be smooth and straight. Heavy Jupiter influence will make the nose more hooked and likely to have a bump whereas heavy lunar influence can make the nose more upturned with a straight or flatter bridge. They usually have a defined or bulbous tip, which is why I think of deer when I think of Sagittarius because the snout or nose of a deer is a focal point in their appearance. Like deer, they have another major focal point which is the eyes. Sagittarius tend to have very doe-like eyes. They can be big, similar to Pisces, but lack the dazed expression Pisces usually has. Their eyes, along with the doe-like largeness, are bright, honest-looking, and alert. The brow is often risen, sometimes surprised-looking, usually give off an honest expression. Although more notable in a Sagittarius sun than ascending, Sagittarius are known for smiling and laughing a lot. They tend to have very full, bright, infectious smiles. May have prominent jowls. Sagittarius ascendants tend to be lean in their youth and gain weight in their later years. They tend to hold most of their weight in the stomach and thighs. As opposed to Leo’s body shape with broader shoulders and narrow hips, Sagittarius tend to have broader hips than shoulders. They tend to have very strong femurs. Sagittarius’ limbs are usually long; long legs, arms, fingers, etc. This can be notable in people with Sun or Moon in Sagittarius as well; Sagittarius influences often make a big impact when it’s present in the chart.

(Above – Elizabeth Taylor; Sagittarius Ascendant, Pisces Sun, Scorpio Moon)

(Above – Oprah Winfrey; Sagittarius Ascendant, Aquarius Sun, Sagittarius Moon)

(Above – Will.i.am; Sagittarius Ascendant, Pisces Sun, Aries Moon, Jupiter in Pisces)

(Above – Sinéad O'Connor [Shuhada Sadaqat]; Sagittarius Ascendant, Sagittarius Sun, Libra Moon)

Capricorn

The keyword to describing the Capricorn’s physical manifestation is structure. They often have very structured features. A Capricorn’s body can manifest in two ways, the first being in association to Capricorn earthy strength, the body is often big-boned and wide with definition in the joints (e.g. knees, elbows, etc.). The second way they tend to manifest is very petite and short in stature with small features. However, the second type still retains some level of Capricorn/Saturn’s crystallization and these people can appear to have a stillness in their expression, as if they are a marble statue. As was mentioned before, they have very structured features. They have strong facial features and prominent bone structure; a strong jaw and strong set of teeth; prominent cartilage in the nose; shapely glabella in juxtaposition to the eyes; bony skull/temples. Their eyes are often small with keen eyesight (unless otherwise afflicted in the birth chart by the Sun or Mars). Their lips are also usually small and shapely, or thin and wide. Their skin usually has neutral to cool undertones. In Evangeline Adam’s book “Your Place in the Sun,” she mentions Capricorn risings tend to have an excessive amount of hair. I’m not sure if I can agree with that observation or not, but I suppose it would explain someone like Lorde’s (Capricorn rising) hair... Capricorn/Saturn also has rulership over hair.

(Above – [Left] Hayley Williams; Capricorn Sun Conjunct Saturn. [Right] Lana Del Rey; Cancer Sun, Scorpio Ascendant with Saturn in the first house. Saturn has a strong, crystallizing influence on one’s appearance. It adds a structural component as I mentioned before.)

(Above – John Legend; Capricorn Ascendant, Capricorn Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Mars Conjunct Ascendant)

(Above – Joan Jett; Capricorn Ascendant, Virgo Sun, Aquarius Moon/Moon in the 1st House)

(Above – Sean Connery; Capricorn Ascendant, Virgo Sun, Virgo Moon, Saturn in Capricorn Conjuncting Ascendant.)

Aquarius

The Aquarius ascendant is described by most astrologers as very angular looking; square and straight features. This may be to do with its traditional ruler Saturn, and just like Capricorn, there is a lot of structure or crystallization in their physical appearance. Fixed signs in general lack a fluid appearance, with the exception of some Scorpio manifestations. Aquarius rising is similar to Taurus in that they both have a straight side profile, but Aquarius’ other facial features are likely to be sharper, such as the jawline. Aquarius have a very square jawline, noticeable from either the side profile or straight on. Other notable sharper, chiseled features of an Aquarius is their chin, cheekbones, and skull. Naturally, people who have Aquarius rising will range in height (especially if we take into consideration the traditional planetary ruler, Saturn), but tallness does have correlation to the sign Aquarius and the planet Uranus. Aside from height, they tend to hold themselves high with a very straight posture. While the body may become broad with muscle, Aquarius tend to be slim. Their eyes are usually set somewhat further apart as opposed to together. This is usually accompanied with a broad glabella. The outer corner of the eyes flick out and tilt up giving the eye a particular definition trademark to Aquarian eyes. External epicanthus (heaviness of the eyelid fold on the outer corners of the eyes) has some correlation to Aquarius too. There is nothing particular about their noses in contrast to some of the other signs which have noses that bring forth a lot of the sign’s character. Their nose may range in size, but never very big or very small. The bridge may resemble that of a Taurus nose or the bridge may be slimmer in comparison to the glabella and tip. Their lips are often small and thin. Aquarian and Uranus influences have a tendency to give people an androgynous expression; men being effeminate and female being masculine.

(Above – Matt Dillon; Aquarius Ascendant, Aquarius Sun, Taurus Moon, Saturn, Sun, and Mars in the first house)

( Above – Michael C. Hall; Aquarius Ascendant, Aquarius Sun, Taurus Moon)

( Above – Roberta Flack; Aquarius Ascendant, Aquarius Sun, Aquarius Moon)

Pisces

Pisces is another sign with a particular distinctiveness that makes them easy to sought out. They often have an overall mysterious and magnetic aura to them (not to be confused with Scorpio’s magnetic aura which is more like a looming, powerful seduction. Pisces is more hypnotic and confusing). It is accompanied by a dazed expression in their eyes, which are often big and particular. Some Pisces appear relaxed and wise whereas others appear confused or “out of it.” They tend to have thick, rounded eyebrows. There are two variations of a Pisces’ nose; the first being often large, hooked, and with a bump in the bridge. The second being small, snub, and may be round, but usually lacks definition. The first type has correlation to Jupiter. The second the Moon (and maybe Neptune? I don’t see outer planets presenting themselves physically usually. They often serve their expression through a person’s aura, an example being Pisces’ mysterious magnetic energy). Overall, a Pisces facial features are very soft and lack definition with the exception of the hooked nose which stands out when present. Everything is rounded; the chin, the jawline isn’t very defined, round cheeks, etc. Pisces tend to have a plump pout; both top and bottom lips are full. Their body is often very rounded and larger. They usually have shorter limbs (arms, legs, fingers, etc.). These individuals will naturally range in height, but there is some correlation to the extremes (very tall and very short). Some astrologers claim there are extremes in the size of a Pisces’ feet, some very small feet, others very large. Their skin tends to have cool to neutral undertones.

(Above – Oscar Isaac; birth time unknown, Pisces Sun. I included him because he has very prominent Pisces features.)

(Above – Billie Eilish; Pisces Ascendant, Sagittarius Sun, Aquarius Moon)

(Above – Kajol; Pisces Ascendant, Leo Sun, Pisces Moon, Jupiter in Pisces/1st House)

(Above – Erykah Badu; Pisces Sun, Pisces Moon, Sagittarius Ascendant)

That summarizes all of the signs, but before I consider this post finished, I just wanted to stress again that these descriptions are not meant to be me telling you what you look like based on your Ascendant or Sun sign. I also want to stress just how limited of a selection there is in terms of examples. When searching for my examples, there were two criteria, one being that they needed to demonstrate somewhat of a clear, prominent influence of the sign mentioned, and two being the birth data’s accuracy. I am limited to using celebrity examples and unfortunately that is even more limited when not all celebrities have a reliable source for their birth time (I only pick celebrities with a A or AA rodden ratings). I am limited to celebrities who have that birth information available or were made of interest to professional astrologers who have either personal dealt with these celebrities charts or have gone out of their way to find the information themselves. There is really only so much extent I would go to collect someone’s birth time in respect to their privacy which is why I only picked what was available to the public. If I’m honest, I would opt out from using celebrity examples completely if I could because I do feel its invasive to view someone so critically, but for the sake of sharing my research I have done so. I am also nowhere near skilled enough at portrait art and human anatomy which is why I didn’t feel inclined to do an artistic depiction of every archetype. The final thing I want to stress is that this is all just my theory that I developed based on my research. Have an open mind, but take everything with a grain of salt

I’ll include additional notes below,

-The Fixed mode makes for very square or angular appearances.

-The Mutable mode makes for dynamic appearances ranging from sharp (think triangular or diamond) to round.

-Fire makes for robustness, Air makes for leanness, Earth makes for bulkiness, and Water makes for heaviness.

-Lots of Mercury, Virgo, or Gemini influences can increase metabolism.

-Venus and the Moon decreases metabolism.

-Jupiter increases, enlarges, expands, and grows

-Saturn decreases, minimizes, shrinks, and debilitates

#astrology #physical appearance #the signs #the zodiac #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces

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spectralstars · 4 years ago

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FAQ/Stuff to Know

This post will contain answers to questions I get often or expect to get often, and define some of the terms I use. It will be updated over time.

Disclaimer: The information I post to this blog is UPG, based on my own experiences. If I state something as fact on this blog regarding magic, that is because I treat it as fact within my practice, but I do not claim it as objective truth.

Magic

What is magic?

1) The art of utilizing all components of the Soul/being to effect change. 2) A sense of simultaneous power and wonder.

What kinds of magic do you do?

I do a lot of energy work: feeling and affecting my own energy, and reaching out to the energy of other people/places/things to do the same. When a need arises, or when I’m just feeling that magical itch, I create a working for that situation, or draw on a working I’ve created before. These workings can involves making and enchanting talismans, sigils, or chants; music or dance magic; full-blown rituals; just more focused energy work; etc. Divination, meditation, and shadow work are all also important facets of my practice.

How long have you been practicing?

My practice first started to resemble what it is today about 2 or 3 years ago.

Do you do witchcraft/chaos magic/[insert established term here]?

No. I take inspiration and information from many established open paths, but my practice is my own.

Energy Work

What is energy? What are energetic signatures?

Energy is a non-physical, qualityless substance. Just as physical reality is made up of physical matter (I’m ignoring dark matter here because that’s outside of my wheelhouse), parallel to it at all points exists an energetic reality. Unless I specify with terms like “physical/kinetic/potential energy,” assume that I’m speaking about non-physical energy and not energy in the physics sense. These two usages of the word “energy” are not interchangeable.

(Granted, the physical/non-physical distinction can be a bit reductive. Physical, mental, emotional, energetic, whatever other distinctions you make, etc, these things can absolutely effect each other, and debatably aren’t all that separate to begin with. That’s an integral part of the whole mechanism for magic.)

Energetic signatures are the sums of the different qualities that a given quantity of energy can have. Essentially, the vibe. This can include color, sound, emotion, texture, force, temperature, smell and taste, movement, etc. The details of a signature can vary from person to person in a “my red is your green” way—or more accurately “this feeling makes me think red, and makes you think green.”

Energetic signatures don’t behave physically the way energy often does, because they’re purely information. If I take energy from something, it now lacks that energy, but if I take its energetic signature, nothing has changed in that original something.

And yes, confusingly enough, energy can have an “energetic” or “sluggish” signature. There’s a difference between having lots of energy (again, in the magical sense) and having “high energy” (which would mean having lots of energy in the mundane sense).

What is the Fundamental?

The Fundamental is a layer of reality comprised of energy. In the Fundamental, physical distance is more fluid and all things are connected in some capacity. By moving one’s center of awareness, one can perceive and interact with the Fundamental.

What is embodiment/emulation?

Embodiment is one of my go-to energetic practices, one that I utilize and will probably mention often enough to warrant its own entry here. Embodiment means adapting an energetic signature other than my baseline, in such a way that it changes not only my energetic state, but my emotional, mental, and physical posture as a result. In some ways, it’s an “internalized glamour”; I’m affecting how others perceive by not only by energetic means, but by acting differently myself. I use this for everything from performing in front of audiences to calling in certain forces and archetypes to quick pick-me-ups throughout the day.

How do you read energy?

Honestly, it’s as simple as asking what the energy is like and taking what comes to you. Once you’re used to the process, you don’t have to ask anything consciously, you just kinda focus and observe. Getting information is the easy part; the harder part is getting accurate information and interpreting it well. That takes some familiarity with energy and your own intuition, and lots of practice.

Workings

What is a working?

I call spells workings out of a personal preference. If it’s magic and I set aside time for it, it’s a working.

How do you create a working?

I either start with the issue I’m doing the working for, and start thinking of ways I could achieve that symbolically, or I start with that itch to do a certain kind of magic, and start thinking of places in my life where I could apply it. Either way, the process involves a lot of looking around my place for things I could use (if I want to use objects in the first place), thinking about how to tie all those things and ideas together, and just following my head/heart/gut.

What is resonance?

Resonance is what makes a working work. It’s the quality of a successful magical endeavor, one that has a genuine impact. In my observations, it has three components: accordance, effort, and state. Accordance means you’re acting in line with your intention via correspondence, symbolism, and/or magical sympathy. Effort means what it sounds like, that you’re putting some genuine effort into your working. State means you’re mentally focused, energetically in tune, and overall just really feeling the magic, the power and the wonder, as you do the working. The most important part to each of these components is that you do them sincerely; there are no cop-outs or workarounds to what your gut says you gotta do.

Thoughts on curses?

I’m not anti-curse, but I’m grateful to have never felt a need to curse someone in my own life. The closest I’ll ordinarily get to cursing someone is “cursing” then with a positive quality that would completely derail their current plans and help them become better. But I acknowledge that that may not always be the right solution.

Divination

What kinds of divination do you use?

I mainly use different forms of cartomancy: tarot, Normal Tarot (not the same lol), Lenormand, playing cards, and a system of my own creation. I also use several non-Nordic “rune”/symbol sets, two of which I created and two of which I adapted from the work of Silvia Hartmann (whom, let it be known, I do have issues with). I plan to create a tool for using the Glide Oracle beyond just the mobile app. I do sometimes use tarot and Lenormand shufflemancy playlists, and I’ve started working with a system I made for a d100 spinner ring, but I prefer more hands-on systems over purely random ones, for reasons I go into below.

How does divination work/how do you do divination?

Divinatory instruments are an aid for the intuition, a jumping-off point and a guide for facilitating understanding when the mind needs something to go off of. The fact that I use magical means to make sure those jumping-off points are as accurate as possible doesn’t change the fact that that’s what they’re doing.

When I do a reading, the first thing I do is get in tune. With any entity I might want to communicate with, with whoever I’m doing the reading for, with my divination tool, with the matter at hand, etc. Mentally and energetically, I focus on and connect to each of these things. I then trust that my intuition can take all that information, and let me know when to stop shuffling/when to pull a rune so that I get the most helpful answer.

(Being able to move through the Fundamental and find different energies comes in handy in distance readings for that reason, by the way.)

Do you use divination to tell the future?

When I’m getting in tune with everything, it’s necessarily with how things are at the present. To the extent that the present determines the future, I can do readings for the future. But I always keep in mind that the trajectory for the future can change, and I absolutely believe in free will.

Spiritual Pragmatism and UPG

What is spiritual pragmatism?

So this is where that disclaimer comes in. I’m a spiritual pragmatist, which means when it comes to things that aren’t objectively provable, I base my beliefs on what’s most useful to me. That applies to my beliefs surrounding divinity, energy, etc. but also just general philosophical stances, like my belief in free will. This is not to imply that I don’t genuinely believe these things, because I do, only that I don’t care to try and prove the concrete “truthfulness” of them beyond that they make sense to me and have helped me in some way. It’s somewhat similar to chaos magick’s stance on belief, except 1) I’m not looking to change my beliefs at the drop of a hat or anything, and 2) usefulness isn’t limited to what makes the magic work. It could mean what makes me a more fulfilled or happier person, what helps me to feel like I belong and matter in the world, etc.

What about magic?

So magic is a grey area, since it’s so often based in these more unprovable things, but it’s also something I can, and generally try to, test. Still, I’ve gotten results in magic using my own understanding and systems, and other people have gotten results in magic with their own understandings and systems. So I acknowledge my magical framework for what it is: UPG, unverified personal gnosis. Things I know to be true in my own experience, but can’t necessarily vouch for outside of that.

By all means, try out what I have to say and see if it works for you. Gain experience with magic and then trust that experience, above what anyone else says about how magic is supposed to work.

Grab Bag

What’s your name?

Arri. For all intents and purposes.

Pronouns?

She/they.

Sun/Moon/Rising?

Taurus/Pisces/Aquarius.

MBTI? Enneagram?

I know I’m a 4w3 (either 479 or 471), and the tests online always say I’m an INFP, but I know enough about cognitive functions to know that those tests aren’t accurate to how MBTI works, and not enough to know what my actual type is.

Edit: This answer has changed; I now know myself to be a 1w9 (tritype 147, subtype probably sp/so).

What does “spectralstars” mean?

It’s a reference to my understanding of energetic signatures, which is similar to audio spectral analysis, where you don’t measure the frequency and amplitude as a single sound wave, you measure the amplitudes of the many sine waves of different frequencies that make up the sound. That warrants its own post. The stars bit is a reference to a Discord I’m in and also I just really like stars.

#faq #witchblr #witch #witchcraft #magic #practitioner

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spaceskam · 5 years ago

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you’ll soon adjust, everyone must

For day 9 of my 12 (actually 13) days of gifts, we have a lovely fic for @skrtl! You had mentioned you liked future fics, so... here it be. I hope you enjoy it and have a wonderful holiday ❤

warning: mentions of past child abuse, because we’re dealing with alex so, you know

ao3

“He has to eat.”

“Maybe we should make something different?”

Alex felt a special kind of dread as he watched their 8-year-old foster child sit at the table and stubbornly stare at the full plate. This was their first night together and Alex had already decided he was the worst father ever. They’d spent the whole dinner with him and he hadn’t eaten a thing, so Michael told him he had to eat something before bed and they would leave him alone if he preferred to eat that way. Now they were watching him from the hallway, getting more and more anxious as the clocked ticked later and later.

“We tried that,” Michael pointed out.

“Okay, but we can’t just force him to stay at the table until he eats. My dad used to do that, I used to force myself to eat until I threw up so he wouldn’t yell at me,” Alex responded. He felt Michael squeeze his hip.

“We’re not doing that,” he promised, “But he has to eat something. He hasn’t eaten all day.”

Alex watched until tears brimmed his eyes. “I’m a bad father. This was a mistake.”

“Hey, no, don’t say things like that,” Michael said sternly. Alex just shook his head and dropped them into his hands.

“I’ve had him for less than 12 hours and he’s already refusing to eat,” Alex whined quietly. Michael quickly wrapped him up in his arms.

“We knew when we got him that he’s got sort of a reputation for a being a bit difficult. I was difficult too, you just have to be patient. He’s been through shit,” Michael assured him, kissing his head, “I’ll handle it.”

Michael pulled away and Alex watched nervously as his husband strolled towards Matthias. He sat beside him and smiled simply.

“Hey, bud,” Michael said softly, “Are you alright?” Matthias just stared at the plate in front of him. “Whatever it is, it’s okay. You can tell me and we’ll fix it, okay? Do you not like the food? Or the plate it’s on? Do you not like the table? Is it too hot or too cold in here? Is it the fork? Is it something else entirely?”

Alex watched as Matthias slowly nodded to one of the things in the list.

“The fork?” Michael clarified. Matthias slowly nodded again, almost like he was scared to admit that. It broke Alex’s heart all over again. “Oh, well, why didn’t you just say so? That’s an easy fix!” Michael promised, giving a wide smile of validation. Alex didn’t move.

Instead, he watched as Michael brought Matthias over the silverware drawer and peered inside to see if they could find one where the handle had a different shape and the points weren’t as thick. In the end, they settled on a plastic fork that was still in the packaging from the last time Alex had gotten takeout.

“Tomorrow we can go and get a brand new set for you, you can pick ‘em out,” Michael promised him. Matthias just nodded. There wasn’t a smile, there wasn’t any eye contact, and Michael didn’t seem to be bothered by any of it. “Awesome. Don’t be afraid to tell me if something’s bothering you like that, we can always fix it. Or, if you don’t wanna talk, we can figure out a different way. I want us to be on the same page.”

Matthias nodded and sat down and ate. His bites were small and Michael didn’t watch him, just sat and kept him company. Alex tried to regain control of his panic as he shoved his thumb between his teeth and watched them. The two of them looked right. Matthias eating all too quietly for a child and Michael pretending to ignore him while doodling on a notebook that was always kept on the table. They fit.

Alex didn’t see where he was meant to fit with them.

“Alex, c’mon.”

Michael watched as Alex balled himself up in the corner of the bed, his face buried in his pillow. It didn’t take a genius to solve that he was upset. He sighed and kept his hands to himself, trying to figure out how to fix this. The problem was that he couldn’t do anything. The only way to fix it was time. He just hated the idea of watching Alex suffer for that long.

“Alex, we just have to be patient,” he tried.

“We? You already got his trust,” Alex said. Michael knew he didn’t mean to sound jealous and so he refused to acknowledge that he did.

“No, not really. I got him a fork, that’s it. It’s going to take him months before he gets comfortable with us. It’s gonna be rough. Fuck, it’s gonna be rough after he gets comfortable with us. That’s apart of it,” Michael tried. Alex didn’t move.

“I don’t think I was made for this. I think this was a bad idea,” Alex said again. Michael licked his lips and swallowed, ignoring how dry his mouth was. That was the fifth time Alex had said that in one day and it was putting a horrible feeling in Michael that he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Alex, I love you, but you need to stop saying that immediately. If he hears you say anything like that, he will never, ever get comfortable with us. He will never see us as his family. He will always feel unwanted. All it takes is one sentence,” Michael warned. Alex balled up even more.

“I don’t know how to be a dad.”

“Neither do I.”

“You’re already good at it.”

Michael scoffed and propped himself up on his arm, shaking his head. “No, I’m not. I have no idea how to be a father. That’s why we’re going to go to parenting classes. Right now, I’m just treating him how I wish I had been treated when I was his age. Just do that.”

Finally, Alex turned to face him. His eyes were troubled and his face scrunched up due to how upset he was. Michael reached out for him.

“I don’t know how to do that, Michael,” he said. Michael sighed and tugged him close. “I’m so scared I’m going to be my father.”

“I promise you, that will never happen,” Michael insisted. Alex still shook his head. “All you have to do right now is treat him like he’s a person. That’s it. Just be patient and treat him like he’s a person. You just have to try. We’ll figure out the rest together.”

“You promise?”

“Cross my heart.”

Michael: Can you pretty please pick up Matty from school and take him fork shopping?

Michael: I got held up at work and I can’t make it

Michael: tell him I’m super sorry and that this isn’t common

Michael: and I’m super sorry to you too baby

Alex reread the texts over and over as he sat in the carpool line. It was horribly long and he was terrified to be alone with Matthias. What if he freaked him out? What if he was pushy? What if he made him hate him? It was just too easy for all of those things to happen. Still, he was going to try. That’s all he needed to do. Try.

“Hey, bud,” Alex said as Matthias climbed into the backseat. Then he cringed at how badly the term sounded in his voice. It sounded so good in Michael’s, but he should’ve known that wasn’t exactly interchangeable. “How was school?”

“‘S okay,” Matthias answered in his small voice. Alex was shocked, but he refused to show it. He was speaking. That was good.

“Michael said he’s sorry that he couldn’t come with me, work got held up, but he’ll be here tomorrow,” Alex promised. Matthias nodded and buckled himself up. “You ready to go to the store?” Matthias looked up at him in the rearview mirror which was also new. “Unless you don’t want to. We can go home and debrief from all the people-ing you did today first.”

“We can go now,” Matthias said, his voice still very small and controlled. Alex gave a small smile and nodded.

He could do this.

They drove to the store in complete silence which seemed to be fine by both of them. Alex thought about parking in a handicap space, but decided against it because he figured someone might need it more than him. He always felt guilty when he parked there on good leg days. Besides, if it was a bad leg day, he would skip going to the store altogether. But it was fine because Matthias didn’t question him.

“Stay on this side of me,” Alex said, gesturing towards the side of him that was close to the parked cars rather than the lanes with cars driving and not paying enough attention for his liking. Matthias listened without argument. It made Alex feel good.

They walked in silence through the large store and towards the silverware section. Matthias stayed right beside him the entire time, never once straying. It felt like a tiny victory. And, when they stared at the wall of different types of silverware, they both seemed to be equally as overwhelmed.

“Wow,” Alex said. Matthias nodded. Instead of letting it intimate him, Alex shook it off and thought of what his father would do and then did the opposite. “So, what are we looking for? Let’s see.”

The two of them sat in the silverware aisle for nearly thirty minutes. Alex would hold a fork and then hand it to Matthias to inspect it for himself. If they were in a box, Alex would not-so-subtly open it to check it out too. They thoroughly inspected every single fork in the aisle until they finally found the perfect one.

“That’s it? You’re sure? Don’t need to double-check?” Alex clarified. Matthias stared at the fork and nodded. Alex grabbed six more.

When they got up to the register, the cashier seemed to find Matthias the most adorable thing in the world. Which was entirely fair. He had soft features and big brown eyes that made him seem younger than he was‒which was funny since he was already a baby in Alex’s eyes. His curly hair was cropped short and his dark skin made Alex look pale in comparison. He was adorable.

And he was only made more adorable when he pressed into Alex’s good leg when the cashier overwhelmed him with attention, keeping his eyes on the floor.

“He’s shy,” Alex said with a smile because that sounded like a good way to get her to stop.

She took it as a valid response and they made their way out of the store as quickly as possible. Alex helped him into the backseat once he caught the slightly distressed look on his face.

“Hey,” Alex said. Matthias didn’t look at him, but he knew that didn’t mean he wasn’t listening. “You don’t have to feel bad for not talking to someone. Even me or Michael. You don’t owe anyone anything.”

Matthias didn’t do anything in response, but Alex forced himself not to take that as a negative. In fact, he felt the day went better than he could’ve ever hoped for and was going to run with that feeling. Maybe he was going to be okay.

They got home shortly after Michael did if the grease stains still on him were anything to go by. Matthias didn’t greet him with anything other than a nod in response to his “hey” before heading straight to the room they had set up for him. Neither of them followed.

“How’d it go today?” Michael asked. Alex took a deep breath and tried to act casual.

“It was fine,” Alex said. Michael smiled and raised an eyebrow which broke Alex. He all but jumped onto him. “He talked to me! And he held onto me when he felt uncomfortable! And I didn’t make a big deal out of either of them!”

A wild grin broke out onto Michael’s face and he hugged Alex tight. “That’s amazing!”

“I know! I feel like I did something right,” Alex admitted, squeezing Michael because he needed to squeeze someone. He couldn’t stop smiling. He wasn’t horrible. He wasn’t horrible. He wasn’t horrible. “God, he spoke to me.”

“What’d he say?” Michael asked.

“He told me school was okay!” Alex said and then laughed because it sounded stupid in hindsight. And then he realized it wasn’t stupid. There was nothing stupid about it. He’d spoken to him.

“I’m so glad it went well,” Michael said and then finally went in for a kiss. Alex welcomed it enthusiastically.

“Okay, I’m gonna go make dinner and then tonight we’re gonna celebrate the fact that I’m not a shitty dad,” Alex told him. Michael rolled his eyes and nodded, stealing one more kiss before letting him go to the kitchen.

Things were going to be okay.

“Hey, bud.”

Michael stood in the doorway of Matthias’ room. He was watching TV, but Michael caught the way he slightly tilted his ear towards the door. He was listening.

“I heard you had a good afternoon with Alex,” Michael said, “It means a lot to him that you two got to hang out today. We’re both really glad that you’re here.”

It was quiet for a moment and Michael walked away to let him have some alone time. He walked away and almost missed it. Almost.

“Me too.”

This was going to be okay.

#my 12 days #malex #malex fic #malex ficlet #michael guerin #michael guerin fic #alex manes #alex manes fic #roswell new mexico #roswell new mexico fic #rnm #rnm fic #my fic

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bigskydreaming · 4 years ago

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hood-ex

i was like well he could just date some random dude who's an artist or something and then i was like oh wait. kyle. lmao. did dick and kyle ever have interactions when donna wasn't around? i mean i know dick found kyle's.. spirit? or whatever in jla. but any other major moments between them aren't coming to my brain

LOL, nope, Dick and Kyle have barely ever interacted ever. Just at Hal’s memorial and then the Obsidian Age, which was well after Kyle and Donna split......they never hung out with Dick when they were together, as he was....busy in Bludhaven. Like Donna and Kyle were together during that period when Roy was running the Titans and they had that weird lineup with Terra the Second and Impulse and Fake Supergirl and just....yeah. But point being like, that was basically right after Dick left the team and Kory left to return to Tamaran, so Dick was kinda deliberately avoiding most of the Titans at that time, as far as I’ve always viewed it.

But yeah honestly all my Dick/Kyle thoughts pretty much stem just from their very brief Obsidian Age interactions and then me going like, huh. I could see it. Its more based on just their characters in general, and the fact that I think they have such similar priorities and mindsets as to be more alike than different, but without being so similar that they’re in any way derivative of each other or like....immediate analogues. Like you think of either Dick or Kyle, you don’t immediately jump to the other because they don’t particular stand out as being interchangeable or anything, but when you dig a little into their characters you’re like, oh wow, they have a lot in common actually.

In particular I’ve always keyed into the slightly lonely nature of Kyle’s position as Torchbearer in the GL Corps. A nod to his time as the only GL left, and the fact that he resurrected the Guardians and restarted the Corps, essentially.....so he’s always stood a little apart from the rest of the GLs, even Hal and John and Guy who were still around in some way or another back when he was the solo GL. Its not that he’s not close with them, its just that he has a very unique experience among the GLs where for most of the Corps, they always had the support of the Corps behind them as they became more experienced as Green Lanterns. And the weight of what they all did as Green Lanterns and what people looked to them for, it was always spread among like....the whole Corps, whereas when Kyle was Green Lantern during his solo tenure, like, it all rested on him, there was no one else to look at or look to....all eyes were just on him.

That pressure, that absence of anyone who can fully relate, its always made him stand slightly apart from the rest of the Lanterns, even now that the Corps is back, and its only been heightened by the fact that he continues to have very unique experiences. Like how he was the only one to ever master the full emotional spectrum on his own, without external additives, the unique way in which he became the White Lantern, the fact that he has such a different relationship with the Ion entity than even those others who’ve hosted it, etc. Also the fact that like, despite his reputation among the Lanterns and others, despite how highly he’s regarded by them, that doesn’t always translate into the camaraderie and support you’d think it would, and most of his most intense adventures or most emotional storylines still happen when he’s off completely by himself with no lifelines. Because as much as he matters to the Corps and is valued by them, there’s always this kinda disconnect that frequently translates into a lot of distance between them and him, both physical and emotional.

And I’ve always thought there are a lot of parallels to the way Dick often feels like he’s alone even when in a crowd. That unique kind of pressure that comes from being the FIRST Robin, the original leader of the Titans, the guy who so often has acted as a trailblazer that others followed but without fully being able to relate to that experience of being first, of not having anyone TO follow, to have to make it up entirely as he went and hope that he wasn’t screwing up too much because it wasn’t like he had any precedent to look to or others to compare himself, his triumphs and his failures to. The way so often the buck stops with him and there’s no one really to pass it off to even when its not actually his fault, its more just.....people feel a need, a want to blame someone, and there’s not really anyone else to look at in his stead there. The similarities in how he also has such a positive reputation overall, and is seemingly so valued and respected by his various communities, and yet despite this it doesn’t always translate into direct and tangible support, leaving him often actually being cut-off and isolated during some of his most emotionally intensive storylines.

I think they have a lot of insight they could lend each other stemming from their respective experiences with the weight of legacy, which parallels without being the same....because the angle, the perspective is different with them. Kyle struggled with the weight of having to carry the entire legacy of the Green Lantern Corps by himself and feeling the responsibility of not wanting to let his predecessors down. Dick struggles with the weight of having his legacy carried by so many others and feeling responsible for what they go through as a result of that. And then at the same time Dick also struggled with the weight of carrying Bruce’s legacy as Batman at different times, such as Knightfall/Prodigal and then when he was lost in time, and now Kyle struggles with the weight of his legacy as Ion being carried on by others and the legacy his existence as the Torchbearer is creating for after he’s gone.

Additionally, they both have abundant experience with feeling under a microscope, like their every action is being scrutinized and they’re constantly being compared to the larger than life figure they’re most directly linked to. For Dick its Batman, for Kyle its Hal. That thing where they’re simultaneously expected to BE the equal to Bruce or Hal, or even better than them, but also at the same time being not exactly blamed for Bruce’s and Hal’s mistakes, but treated as even though they had nothing to do with their actions, they might as well have, kinda? Constantly compared to Bruce and Hal and with people saying they would have done this or that instead, but also with people quick to act like Bruce and Hal are their personal cautionary tales and tell them how dangerously close they are to becoming them whenever they do something that even slightly parallels the older two.

Also, they have this distance between themselves and Bruce and Hal....Dick because of the chasm between them during the early years of Nightwing and Kyle because Hal was basically a villain and then dead during his early years as Green Lantern.....but without anyone ever really factoring in that they’re not as joined at the hip to Bruce and Hal as people act like and they not only have nothing to do with the worst of their mistakes, but the older two weren’t always as involved in the younger two’s successes as people credit them as being. And that very niche feeling that only they can really relate to, where Dick and Kyle so often end up being Bruce and Hal’s biggest defenders, and how often this overwrites or gets in the way of Dick and Kyle ever getting to fully express valid resentments they have of how Bruce and Hal’s own actions and choices and reputations impact Dick and Kyle’s lives and actions and choices.

Plus I think they’d just be good for each other - Kyle actually does have the ability to relax and unwind with his art and other hobbies in ways Dick could definitely learn from and benefit from applying to his own life, and Dick has the gravitas and weight of history and experience that means he can really address in actionable ways that Kyle can truly internalize, like the longing Kyle has always had, despite his many accomplishments, to really feel like he isn’t just a hero by happenstance or mistake, that he really belongs among their number. Kyle was a diehard superhero fanboy before he ever got the ring, and you can’t tell me he didn’t have a crush on the first Robin when he debuted back when Kyle was probably in middle school (they’re actually pretty close in age, with everything lending itself to the idea that Kyle’s of a similar age with Dick and the original Titans). Likewise, you can’t tell me Dick has anything but respect for someone who manages to establish himself and his own reputation despite how easy it’d be to be overshadowed by his predecessors and their actions.

They both have extremely parallel storylines even in their particulars......both have been briefly killed then presumed dead and then isolated from their loved ones for a period for a ‘solo mission’ and then blamed for that upon their return, even though Dick wanted nothing to do with that mission and was forced into it by Bruce just like the same is true of Kyle who was backed into his by the Guardians. Both have struggled with suicidal ideation in the past, most notably in the aftermath of Blockbuster and then with Kyle, his subconscious literally created a nemesis for him named Oblivion, who wanted nothing other than his death, because Oblivion was literally Kyle’s own death wish made flesh and blood by Kyle’s willpower and leftover Ion energy.

Both have nightmares of being hijacked by someone else’s will and used as their puppets, with Dick and his many times being brainwashed and Kyle and his time possessed by Parallax. Both have extremely complicated feelings about children that were never truly theirs, both have been the scapegoat for crimes they didn’t commit, both are wracked with guilt for things they choose to take responsibility for but only because nobody ever told them it wasn’t actually their fault. Both are rape survivors whose rapes were never taken seriously or treated like they matter, and both are desperate for the approval of loved ones and mentors who actually do approve of them very much, but just often struggle to show them that in the ways they really need in order to BELIEVE it.

I could go on, lol, but like, you get it. Don’t worry, you’re not forgetting about some super significant story between Dick and Kyle, it really was just me latching on to that one story from twenty years ago where Kyle’s like if we get out of this alive, I want a hug, and Dick’s like deal, and I was like SOLD. And then my brain manufactured all these other reasons why clearly they are soulmates, and thus you have the Good Ship Dick/Kyle, which I shall sail forever more, no matter if I am only ever a crew of one.

afsbjkfabhjkfaghjkfalhkfla

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douchebagbrainwaves · 4 years ago

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EVERY FOUNDER SHOULD KNOW ABOUT STARTUPS

Google was entrenched. They don't have time to work. Something hacked together means something that barely solves the problem, and that doesn't seem huge to investors. Back in the era of those fluffy idealized portraits of countesses with their lapdogs. What about grad school: apparently endless supplies of time, which I think will be more and more common, master the most powerful tools you can find a good teacher. The investors are what make a startup hub. But I think the main reason VCs like to invest in this startup.

They build a coarser model of their surroundings, and this helped to make the investment in the form of an academic paper to yield one more quantum of publication.1 I realized why. Thanks to Trevor Blackwell, Jessica Livingston, Michael Mandel, Robert Morris, and Fred Wilson for reading drafts of this. You'll end up doing something chosen for you by your parents, or the painter who can't afford to heat his studio and thus has to wear a beret indoors. Now imagine comparing what's inside this guy's head with what's inside the head of a 1950s auto executive, the attitude must have been: sure, give 'em whatever they ask for, so long as you're profitable. When you can convince them. Standardized tests count for nothing, and grades for little. But by the time most people hear about it. To launch a taboo, a group has to be more productive because there are no distractions. But all it takes is for one big investor to cool on you, and it would still be just as much of a distraction. But one of the founders said I'd read that starting a startup into an optimization problem.

So the most successful people will all like what they do. Or to put it more brutally, 6 months of runway. How can we find these too? It wasn't always this way. Where the method of selecting the elite is thoroughly corrupt, most of which now seem to be dead, were like VC firms except that they took a much bigger role in the startups they funded. Of a game. The first sentence of this essay began as replies to students who wrote to me with questions. When they demo it, one of the big successes have two or three. To anyone who knows Mark Zuckerberg that is the reductio ad absurdum, that it's false that economic inequality is to treat it as a heresy.

And this is a bit of an urban legend. When someone buys shares in a company, that leaves increasing revenues and decreasing expenses. One solution to this problem would be to shirk it, but those who like what they do. Plain materials have a charm like small scale. During busy periods, office hours sometimes get long enough that they compress the day, but that I often spent money I desperately needed on stuff that I didn't want them to be novelists and whose parents want them to be doctors and whose parents want them to be interchangeable. Since there's a fixed cost each time you start working on a program it can take to start a consulting company that you will thereby fix poverty. The weekend before the demo day for potential investors ten weeks in, and seven of the eight seemed promising by the end of the year I couldn't even remember what else I had stored in that attic.2 Overall only about 10% of startups succeed, but that it has to have one thing it sells to many people, rather than working on the product, pending lawsuits against the company, that implicitly establishes a value for it. Google stuck Kleiner and Sequoia with a $75 million premoney valuation, their reaction was probably Ouch!

Few legal documents are created from scratch. A month later, at the high water mark of political correctness, because it will have expanded to include the efforts of individuals without requiring them to be cold and calculating, or at least, tends to require long stretches of uninterrupted time to work in a big company.3 The fact that they're running investment funds makes VCs want to invest in you if you stay where you are, the more prominent the angel, the less energy you have left, you've avoided the immediate danger. Raising money, rather than just the whim of an individual partner. When in doubt, have a man come through a door with a gun in his hand. If you're starting a startup molds you into someone who can handle it. I don't know what fraction of them currently raise more after Demo Day. The startup is the second biggest startup hub in the US and the world, and they're begging not to be too specific about what you want to understand economic inequality in the US and the world, people don't start things till they're sure what they want. Why? Great work tends to grow out of ideas that others have overlooked, and no one who did the opposite. The fact that seed firms are companies rather than individual people, reaching them is easier than reaching angels. He completely rewrites the program several times; that wouldn't be justifiable for an official project, but this is a natural place for things to give as venture funding becomes more and more common, master the most powerful forces in history.

They don't try to look at something like Reddit and think the founders thought of everything. A lot of the worst flaws in programming languages. That doesn't sound right either. In reality the angel might be more likely to discover new things, because you will never again be so productive. So what less ambitious professors do is turn out a series of papers whose conclusions are novel because no one has yet explored its possibilities. I know of one couple who couldn't retire to the town they preferred because they couldn't afford a monitor. But if you have food and shelter, you probably never will.

The example of a tolerant society. They may have to pay a lawyer even to read it, you've only read it, not written it. In life, as in a secret society, nothing that happens within the building should be told to outsiders. So startup culture may not merely be bad for your career to say that you shouldn't major in business in college, the name of your VC stops mattering once you have some plan for selling that valuable thing you got so cheaply, what difference should it make what some other VC thought? A friend of mine said, Most VCs can't do anything that would sound bad to the kind of doofuses who run pension funds. So it's only when you have no immediate financial worries, and few will travel far for a haircut. I didn't use the term slippery slope by accident; customers' insatiable demand for custom work will always be made to work on a harder problem unless it is proportionately or at least of the good people will be outsiders. And nearly all the teachers are among the best practitioners.

Notes

But friends should be especially conservative in this essay wrote: One YC founder told me they do the equivalent thing for startups, has one booked for them, maybe you'd start to get rich simply by being energetic and unscrupulous, but getting rich from controlling monopolies, just that they consisted of three stakes. Xenophon Mem.

I'm claiming with the fact that investment is a constant multiple of usage, so had a day feels like a wave. People commonly use the word wisdom in so many people mistakenly think it is the accumulator generator in other ways.

73 billion. There may even be working to help a society generally is to make a lot of successful startups are ready to raise money on our conclusions. I know, the angel is being looked at with fresh eyes and even if the founders want to invest, it means they still probably won't invest.

Thanks to Shel Kaphan, Qasar Younis, Sarah Harlin, Patrick Collison, Jared Tame, and Trevor Blackwell for the lulz.

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kweebtrash · 6 years ago

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Just Say Goodnight and Go (M)

Messy Chapter 7

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Smut, The fluff chapter TM

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: alcohol, night terrors/ panic attacks, minimal talk about assault.

Features: body worship, choking/breathing denial, talk about oral fixation, thigh high kink, a bunch of makeout sessions, a little bit of a handjob, still exploring the daddy kink a bit, overstretching, rough sex and semi-soft sex, really bad drunk decisions.

Word Count: around 17.6k

A/N: ‘they’ and ‘she’ are used interchangeably on purpose. I didn’t exactly hit 20k like I thought but I was damn close lol. Note: In case you don’t know Rilakkuma is a Japanese character (like Hello Kitty) but from the brand San-X. This chapter has got a bunch of fluff in it, but ya’ll know fluff aint my usual thing that I write about. So tell me if it was good or bad please.

Messy Masterlist Buy me a Ko-Fi Other Stories

“What do people like….do on dates?”

“Eri, what the hell kind of question is that? You act like you never been on one before.” Quinn said before squinting in the mirror to viciously measure if their eyeliner wings were even.

“Like i mean...i have but also i'm antisocial and some if the best times i've had with people were just like hanging out and doing nothing. Like Yuta and i just lay around and watch anime-”

“While he fingers you.”

“Lucas and I play video games.”

“Until his attention span goes to eating you out.”

I huffed. “Listen…”

“You went out on dates with Jungwoo, didn't you?”

“Yeah but we would like go to parks during the spring and walk around, or he'd follow me around the mall and blush if I so much as mentioned going to look at underwear in a store. We went to an aquarium solely because i just wanted to hear him say the word in his adorable accent all day. But those are things that I did when like…” i sighed and set my eyeshadow brush down. “When I was in love.”

“And you're not in love with Johnny?”

“Johnny's a fuckboy. You really think he'd hold my hand and push me on a swing set at the park? Please. He's gonna take one look at these thigh highs and want to fuck as soon as we start this so called date and that's a-ok with me.”

“Eri, you're a bad liar.”

“You're the one who suggested going on a stupid date with Jaehyun! What do you two do all the time when you hang out anyway, hmm?”

Quinn squinted again, glaring at their uneven ink line before handing the eyeliner pen to me. “Fix itttttttt.” they whined. I sighed and grabbed a makeup wipe to try and clean up some of the unevenness before filling it out with the ink again. “But we honestly fuck a lot. Like a lot a lot. He heard about Taeil helping me study and wanted to help too but instead of being NICE he fingered me and wouldn't let me cum until i got an answer right-which is very hard when his stupid hot long fingers are digging inside you. Then one time I decided to cook for him, because i'm perfect wifey material and he lasted a whole minute of helping me in the kitchen before he was grabbing at my ass.”

“Great, a bigger slut. So why the hell did you come up with this boba date idea in the first place?!” I painted on the small wings in short strokes, connecting it to the already thickened lined that covered Quinn's lashline.

They shrugged, which made me purse my lips and glare down at them for moving. “I don't know. I basically said, Jaehyun you're taking me to get Boba and then I thought it'd be nice for you to come along because you’re maybe-kinda- sorta-my security blanket. Then i realized i asked him out on a date without meaning for it to sound like a date and then i gay panicked and asked you to come but that only made it a DOUBLE DATE and then i had to pretend that everything was natural and I-”

“Quinn. I should stab you in the eye with this pen.”

“I CANT HELP IT! Sometimes he's really stupid and cute and i hate his fuckin’ perfect teeth and perfect smile and those STUPID dimples. I want to punch his face but also kiss him endlessly. I especially hate it when he's like...nice and not a complete asshole because it just makes me want to be around him more!” They sighed.

I finished correcting the wing on their other eye and plopped back down in my desk chair. “I know what you mean...after the party Johnny and I spent the entire night together and it was definitely a journey. I found out things about him that i never could even imagine happening to someone like him. And it just...it made me sad. All i wanted to do was see him happy. I wanted to make him happy.”

“What do you mean? What happened to him?”

“I shouldn't tell you…” i whispered.

“Eri, we're best friends.”

“Yeah but...he's starting to trust me and I don't want to mess that up.”

“I wouldn't ever tell anyone. You know that.”

I fidgeted in my seat as i felt my morals be compromised a bit. Quinn was my best friend that I told practically everything to but Johnny was my...fuckbuddy who had gone through enough for a lifetime and needed someone who would be there for him. I still yearned to be that someone and wanted to solidify my place as a friend he could count on. I knew Quinn wouldn't tell a soul so I was sure the secret was safe but it still made me feel a bit uneasy. “I...i...don't know…”

“Was it about that chick at the party? The like weird looking one that was all over him?”

I nodded then grabbed their little hands, squeezing them tight. “Just swear on our friendship you won't ever say anything. Not even to Jae.”

“I swear.”

“Ok...and don't think or treat of him any different. Go on hating him like normal. It's ok.”

“Yes, Eri, I will. I swear.”

“She...that girl...assaulted him while he was coming down from a bad high and was sick. And you know, he's a big dude. He's tall and muscular and shit- everyone would think he'd be able to fight her off but he can only remember bits and pieces because he was so messed up. Then he described to me how he felt like...how he felt so numb and helpless. It was hard for him…”

“Eri, the same has happened to me. Why would you think I would tell anyone about this?”

“I know,” i practically whimpered. “I didn't mean it like that. I just...i kinda care about him now. I want to be there for him but without making stuff too complicated. I honestly just think he needs someone he can rely on.”

“But then you fell in love with him.”

“I'm going to need you and Doyoung to stop saying that. Are you two conspiring against me?”

“It's just a bit obvious to people that aren't only here to fuck you.” Quinn kissed me gently and returned my little hand squeeze. “It's good that you're there for him. He needs it. I wish we could've been friends sooner so you would've been there for me. You have a good ability to be a pillar of strength for people. But don't let that consume you either. He needs to get through it on his own too.”

“I know. I want him to but this is where the stubborn fuck boy part still remains and makes me want to throw his giant ass across the room.”

“Yeah, he's still stupid about a lot of things but any step towards healing is progress.”

I pouted and gave myself another glance in the mirror before adding more smokiness to my outer crease. “Yeah, I know. It's still fresh though so I can't rush him. I just need to make sure it doesn't get too messy.”

“And also make sure he somehow becomes your boyfriend?”

“WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?! WHY DON'T YOU GO BE JAE'S BOYFRIEND, YA LIL TURD.”

“Eww no. I don't want to be near his stupid abs and dimples and perfect teeth and soft hair all day. Absolutely not.”

We both glared at each other for a moment. Our weak facades to our feelings were no match for one another and we couldread each other like open books. Things were getting to be a little bit too serious for the both of us and I may have admitted it to myself during my talk with Doyoung but there was no way in hell that I was ever going to say that I had feelings for Johnny out loud. I hoped that I would eventually get over him enough to just keep things casual. I was sure my fear of love was the perfect blockade for that. Nothing could get past that impenetrable wall. So i felt safe for now. Quinn nudged me, breaking our glaring contest and making us both laugh.

“How did we end up like this?” I asked.

“Like what? Stringing along a bunch of hot guys waiting to do whatever we want them to do? Pure talent. We're amazing. And i am making them pay for the boba.”

“Well duh. If they don't we can just throw them out and solidify our relationship with Lucas. I mean he has everything they have anyway: big dick, deep voice, nice lips, can reach things on the top shelf. It's all we need.” I added a final touch of setting spray and wiped at the powder fallout that covered the top of my boobs. “Oh, by the way, do I look ok in this?”

I stood up so Quinn could see my black ensemble of a Simple Plan t-shirt I had since I was 15, a suspender skirt, black thigh highs and matching high-top converses. They squinted and looked me up and down, even making me turn for them. “It's okay.” They stated simply.

“Ok? What do you mean ok? Do I look fat or something?”

“No it's just...i mean it's very you.”

“What do you mean by that?” I asked.

“Like very...high school emo. But your hair and makeup is really cute and he'll like the thigh highs. What are you wearing underneath?”

“Underneath?” I hadn't given much thought to my underwear. “I just picked whatever was in my drawer.”

“Well do you want to entice him a bit?”

I shrugged. “I guess a little. Really make this date worthwhile since i'm sure he's gonna be a jerk about the whole thing. I’m not even sure why he agreed to go.”

“Duh,” Quinn said. “Because he likes you. If he isn't a shitty date then you can give him a little something. And if he is, don't show him at all. I have a cute white lace set you'd look good in. You should wear that.”

“Wear lingerie the entire time? That underwire is gonna kill me.”

“You know I hate bras as much as you do but it'll be cute. Trust me.” Quinn got up from my bed and went over to their room leaving me to follow. When they pulled out the set from their drawer I almost couldn't believe how small it was.

“Uh...you want me to put all of my ass in that?”

“Didn't you say he likes your butt? With this and the thigh highs you can ask him to eat you out and i bet he finally would.”

“Oh...right.” I took the small underwear and bra and started to change into them, not bothering to bring up his previous trauma surrounding oral. It was just easier not going into more into detail about it. I slithered out of my old underwear and into the lace panties which seemed to morph into a thong between my ass cheeks. I adjusted myself over and over in the bra, trying to stuff myself into the seemingly small cups. “Should I really look this desperate? I mean we've fucked like half a dozen times before.”

“It's not desperate! Just trust me. Do that whole femdom thing you do and feel sexy. It may make you feel less nervous if you just pretend you have confidence.”

“Pfft, i doubt it.” I pulled my shirt back over my head, practically feeling my tits at my throat. I stepped over to Quinn's full length mirror and adjusted myself over and over again. Feigning confidence I could do sometimes but alcohol was a lot more helpful with that.

“Will you stop fussing? You're making me more nervous than I already am. We have to be cool sluts not….stupid schoolgirls!” Quinn hissed.

“Yeah, well….i am a stupid schoolgirl and I hate it! I don't want it Quinn!”

“It's just boba! We got this! It's not like-” Suddenly we heard three sharp raps against our door. Our mouths snapped shut and panic washed over us. We looked at each other as if we didn't know what to do. “You do it.” They whispered.

“No, no! You! It was your idea that got us into this mess in the first place!” I planted my hands on their back and forced then towards the door. “Go!”

“You come with me! What are you gonna do?Just stay in here?!”

“Yes! And maybe die alone so i don't have to be embarrassed!” A few more knocks came again and Quinn and I fussed with our hair, our clothes, checking our breaths and if we had things in our teeth. Eventually we stood in front of the door, squaring our shoulders and pretending like everything was totally fine. I was the one who set my hand on the door handle, swinging it open to see my worst nightmare.

The four of us stared at one another like lost children, wide eyed and scared. It was so strange seeing them dressed up that it was like a shock to the system. I was used to the Johnny in sweatpants or basketball shorts and hoodies but now he was...God, he was stunning. Everything; from his hair, his lips, his eyes behind the round wire frames he wore, and his incredibly perfect long legs trapped in his torn up skinny jeans. I hated to admit it-absolutely loathed it- but he looked like complete boyfriend material; so soft and cozy yet still oozing sexiness and a little bit of mystery. I especially loved the leather jacket that hung over him. It made me want to throw myself into his arms and get lost in a sea of his kisses. My heart was fluttering, pathetically so, and it was almost impossible to breathe.

I saw his eyes travel up and down my body, stopping at certain places he wanted to linger a bit longer on. I waited nervously for him to say something, anything at all. He seemed to be stuck, his eyes fluctuating through thought processes and possible scenarios. I nibbled at my lip and casually looked over and Quinn and Jae. Jae looked quite handsome himself; a soft sweet rendition of a guy i didn't quite like and was surprised to see like this. He looked comfy in his hoodie and jacket combo. A warm beanie was perched on his head and his light wash jeans were a perfect compliment. His dimples were on full display along with his perfect teeth Quinn so happily gushed about. I could see them already swooning over him, and probably thinking of a way to get into his pants.

“You look,” My eyes cut back to Johnny as I heard his deep voice finally. “You look um...c-cute.” The olive tone of his skin flared with peachy pinks as soon as that word left his lips.

Cute.

This fuckboy thought I was cute. My heart was in my shoes, a melted puddle of teenage passion and urgency for romance. I giggled nervously and stared down at our feet, noticing his checkered vans and my black converses. “U-um...thank you. I think you look really handsome.” I tucked a stray hair back and gazed up at him. His expression was nothing short of flustered and he cleared his throat to break up the awkwardness.

“Are we just gonna stand here looking like idiots or are we gonna go? I need coffee.” He said.

Jaehyun broke from leaning against the doorframe and boldly took Quinn's hand. “Yeah, let's go. Johnny, you driving or am i?”

Johnny tossed his keys over to Jae who caught them with his free hand. “I'll just drive when we come back.”

Jae and Quinn started heading downstairs, leaving me to rush to get my purse and lock the door behind me. The minuscule walk down to the parking lot of the apartment complex was enough to keep the awkward silence between Johnny and I. I had no idea what I should say or if we should even strike up a conversation at all. I realized that i really didn't know much about him other than his traumatic past and insecurities surrounding it. It seemed trivial but even something like learning his favorite color was starting to become appealing to me. “So…”

He looked back at me from midway down the steps. “So?”

“Boba, huh?” I wish i couldn't speak.

“Yes? Boba?” He seemed just as confused as I was and i rushed to sprint the rest of the way to the car. It didn't take him long to catch up and we were in the back seat and on our way in practically seconds. I kept to my side of the seat against the door, leaving a gaping space between us. Quinn and Jae seemed lost in their own conversation that seemed as natural as the moon controlling the tides. I almost envied them. When the hell did they get so buddy buddy? I briefly looked over at Johnny who seemed to be more interested in gazing out the window then having any interaction with me. I shifted uncomfortably and slid one leg over the other. I adjusted my skirt a bit, trying to make sure I remained decent but it was just a little too short even for me.

I thought I felt Johnny's eyes on me but when i turned to glance at him, he was back to being distracted by the scenery outside his eyes. I checked my phone, trying to use it as a way to ignore my self deprecating and nervous thoughts as well as to make the time go by. It wasn't until Jae cut a harsh turn that I was sent flying from my sacred spot and into Johnny.

“Dude, chill with that!” Johnny reprimanded.

“My bad! Stupid GPS said it at the last second!” Jae replied.

I tried squirming away from Johnny but Jae's lead foot on the gas pedal was making it harder to adjust myself. I felt Johnny's hand grip at my waist almost as if he wanted to keep me close to him. “You okay?” He said in a hushed tone.

I nodded and tried not to look at the warm hazel of his eyes. “I guess your roommate is fuckin’ speed racer.”

“Yeah, he's not the best driver. He only got his license last year.”

I sat up, finally able to regain my balance when Jae's speeding evened out. I inched myself away from Johnny but found his strength keeping me plastered to him. His arm shifted from my waist to around my shoulders, leaving plenty of opportunity for my head to rest on his chest. I looked up at him but he still avoided me at all cost. Tentatively, i laid against him. I could hear the quick beats of his heart and couldn't help but wonder if he was nervous too.

What did we have to be nervous about? Getting to actually know each other? Hadn't we done that? Did he even want to learn about me? I guess it would be better to just keep it about sex even with him confiding in me. It would add layers to our fun and could attribute more to the fun we had in our fuck buddy relationship. But my heart remained in a place of wishful thinking and i was pleading for it to stop fucking with my rationality.

I tried to focus on the physicality of it all instead and I was trying to convince myself that a simple hookup was the main goal for today. Get good food, good Boba, and good dick. That would be all. Maybe the date (or fake date, whatever you wanted to call it) wouldn't last long and I could just go home and curl up in my room and stuff all my feelings away under lock and key. I sighed and pulled myself away from being stuck in my brain for a moment. I happened to notice the woodsy notes of his cologne while my head remained tucked under his chin. I craned my lips up to his neck, giving his warm skin a sheepish peck. The scent was of course stronger here and almost sent my head spinning.

Johnny finally looked at me for longer than a few seconds but he didn't say anything at first. He returned my neck kiss with a small press to my lips, giving my shoulder a small squeeze. I decided to speak and hoped that I wouldn't retreat back to my state of being a bumbling idiot. “You smell good.” Well….i could have definitely said something worse.

He chuckled lowly. “Yeah? You like it?” He kissed me again and my hand trailed upwards to cup his face. I simply nodded and closed my eyes, preferring to get lost in him than back in my own thoughts and feelings. I felt his long fingers fall to my knee, trailing higher and barely grazing over the top of my thigh highs where he stopped suddenly. There was tension within him now and i swore I could almost hear a low growl fall on my tongue. “Eri.” He said in a voice so stern my thighs clenched together in response.

“Yes?” I asked, rather innocently.

“You...you wore this on purpose, didn't you?”

“I have no idea what you're talking about.” I played innocently.

He sat back and scoffed, an unsurprised look on his face. I covered my mouth in an attempt to hide my giggle. “You're gonna get your little ass beat.” He whispered.

“Is that a threat or a promise, daddy?” I teased. He nudged me instantly, wide eyed and afraid that Jae or Quinn had heard me.

“Shut up!”

I giggled again turning into full blown laughter at his embarrassment. It was kind of cute to tease him like that even though during the thick of it I would be the more embarrassed one. Quinn turned around then, curious as ever. “What are you laughing at?”

Johnny and I both stiffened up as if we were being scolded in the back seat. My laugh died down a bit and I was able to finally talk. “N-nothing!” I squeaked.

Johnny fussed with his glasses and nervously pushed back his hair, not even acknowledging Quinn. They squinted, judging us and still wondering what had made me laugh. They didn't get to pry any further as Jae pulled into the parking lot of the small cafe. Johnny was the first to get out, not even bothering to wait for us. He just stuffed his hands in his coat pockets and headed towards the cafe door. I pouted, annoyed that he didn't even have the courtesy to wait for us. Jae was the one that held the door open for Quinn and I, leaving me to scowl at Johnny. He ignored me and headed towards the line, towering over the few people ahead of him. I stood by his side, looking over the menu, while Jae and Quinn joined the line behind us.

As I was debating over Rosehip or Lavender flavors I felt a brush against my hand. I thought it may have been an accident but suddenly Johnny’s pinky was curled around mine. I glanced down, making sure I wasn't imagining it and was pleasantly surprised. I smiled for a second until I heard Jae whisper a teasing, “gayyyyy” while Quinn poked at my side. I swatted their hand away and shot both of them a glare which only made Quinn giggle again. The line moved then and Johnny and I stepped forward. He finally spoke to me.

“Do you know what you want?”

“i can't decide between the Lavender or Rosehip one. Both are yummy. Maybe Rosehip and Strawberry? Wait, no, Lavender Vanilla.”

He crinkled his nose in disgust at my flavor choices. “Well, figure it out. We're next.”

“Hush! I know that!” I pouted. He moved up again and discarded my pinky in favor of grabbing his wallet out of his pocket. He ordered a coffee flavor then looked at me.

“Go.”

“Oh, right...uh...” I still had no idea what I wanted and panicked as I felt like I was holding up the line.

“Just order.” I shuffled my weight on either foot while finally deciding on the Rosehip Strawberry with bursting bubbles. I watched as he paid for us then stepped off to the side to wait for the drinks to be completed. “Wanna get a table?”

I nodded. “U-um...thanks for the…”

He looked at me for awhile to the point where I got a bit uncomfortable before kissing me on the cheek. “It's whatever. Go sit down.”

I touched the warm spot of my cheek where his lips had been and scurried away trying not to show my giddiness. Why was I acting so stupid over him? I plopped down at a table, sighing to myself as the others ordered and waited for the drinks. It was only a few more minutes before Johnny joined me, sliding the cup and big straw my way. We stood quiet as we stabbed our straws into the plastic, sipping slowly and glancing at our phones. I didn't know how to talk to him about normal stuff really and was sure I was going to continuously make a fool out of myself.

“So….what's your favorite color?”

He looked at me questioningly. “What?”

“Your favorite color...sorry, i'm just trying to make conversation.”

“Oh...blue. What's yours? Black?” He chuckled then took a sip of his tea.

“Pastel pink.”

He choked a bit then chewed through the pearls. “Wait, seriously?”

“Yes, why is that hard to believe? I happen to be a multifaceted person that likes a bunch of things. I like cute things, video games, anime, comics, a whole bunch of nerd crap. I'm not just a stereotype.”

“Well, do you still think I'm a stereotype?”

I sucked in air through my teeth before propping my chin in the palm of my hand. “Sometimes you can be. You're stubborn and hard headed and a jerk most of the time but sometimes you can be….cute.” I diverted my attention to my drink again, hoping that my compliment didn't make things more awkward.

“What's so cute about me?” He asked. His eyes were focused right on me now as if he truly wanted to know.

“Oh well...physically of personality wise?”

“You tell me, princess.”

I pouted at my title. I guess he was returning my tease from earlier. “Well, i like that you trust me. I like that you're willing to try things with me. I think your photography is nice and i’m glad you have a passion. I think that it's cute when you spoon me or hold my pinky like you do.”

His face brightened to a heavy rose color and he straightened up as soon as Jae and Quinn came to the table. Jae tossed the car keys onto the table and sat down beside Quinn, rather than across from one another like Johnny and I were. They barely seemed to pay attention to us or their drinks and instead got wrapped up in their own little world full of intense kisses. Johnny and I face palmed at the same time.

“Were in public.” I groaned. “Cut it out.”

“Don't ruin our fun just because you two are weird and awkward.” Jae said.

“If ya'll were just gonna make out why did we even come out here? I could've stayed home.” Johnny interjected.

“I still wanted bubble tea. And we can get food later. I'm just a bit preoccupied now.” Quinn said.

I rolled my eyes and diverted my attention back to my phone which was a better sight than our best friends sucking the soul out of one another.

Im ready to die why are they like this

I texted Johnny.

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: we should just ditch them tbh

Omg, we cant. They rode with us. How would they get back?

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: who cares lmao

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: they can figure it out later

Be nice. Theyre still our friends

But would you care if I got some food after this? Im starving

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: fuck yeah. Where do you wanna go babe?

I smiled and looked up at him. He glanced up at me and returned my smile before nodding back at his phone, waiting for me to answer. Somehow texting made the both of us more comfortable than talking face to face. Blame it on on our generations addiction to technology or rather our crippling social anxiety.

Not to be weeb trash but there’s a japanese book store around here and it’s over by a bakery and a restaurant. I go there all the time. They have the best fried chicken

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: lets do it then

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: btw i watched naruto so i know anime

I couldn’t help the snort that got coupled with my laughter. I covered my mouth when i noticed the gross sound which made Johnny laugh too.

Oh my god, stop right there. I can’t believe you just said that!!!

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: I still remember like half of the opening songs

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: dont make me serenade you

There is nothing more I want in this world than you to sing fighting dreamers while squawking like a parrot

Literally nothing would turn me on more johnathan

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: lol, bet. You’re gonna get just that tonight

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: also you know my name is just john right lol

Not anymore. You’re forever johnathan

😂😂😂😂😂

Johnathan’s cute. I like johnathan

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: i like johnny. I have like 4 different names and thats the least fucking complicated one

I know what you mean, i have too many names too and I hate all of them.

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: there’s more than just Eri?

Way more unfortunately. My 1st name has 12 letters in it

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: wtf lol

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: what is it?

Never telling. Ever. its a dead name to me. Im just eri

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: boooo ur no fun

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: i’ll tell you my korean name if you tell me your full name

Absolutely not. If i tell you i’ll have to kill you. Thats the rule

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: does quinn know it?

Don’t bring them into this. Quinn knows a lot of things about me that must never be spoken of

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: ahh so you ARE a serial killer then

Shhhhhhh dont let anyone know.

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: i dont think i can hide the fact that youre a serial killer eri lol

I can hide you

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: why do I have a weird feeling that was your attempt at flirting with me

Please ignore me i dont know how to have actual normal conversations

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: apparently we can only have them about traumatic experiences and kinks

Thats basically the basis of a successful relationship duh

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: relationship?

You know what i mean

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: do i?

I looked up at him as he was casually sipping and waiting for my response. Before i could say something or even think of what to say, the chair screeched back and Quinn stood up suddenly. “I'm gonna go to the bathroom, i'll be right back.” They announced.

I shrugged. “Oh...alright. We'll be here.” I watched them walk off towards the restrooms in the back of the cafe and saw that Jae was doing the same.

“I gotta piss too..” He left then too, following Quinn in a half jog, and i wanted to scream. Really? Right now? Right in front of my boba? I rolled my eyes and sighed.

“They're going to go fuck.” I said, when he was out of ear shot.

Johnny looked back at the direction of the bathrooms then back at me. “Time to get food then.” He stood up and grabbed the keys from the center of the table. “Come on.”

“Wait, no we really shouldn't!” I protested. “I'd feel bad if we left them here.”

“Do you feel bad that they ditched us to fuck in the bathroom?”

“Well….maybe not so much.”

“Than come on.”

I grabbed my drink and followed after Johnny as he headed back to the car. We got in and I directed him to the bookstore, our conversation still at a minimum. After we arrived, he resumed holding my pinky and following me as i strung him along to look at stationery and the large collection of manga on the upper floor. I wanted to buy everything and practically cried when I saw my fave series or even a figure that i was desperate to have. Johnny seemed to get a kick out of every time I geeked out and listened patiently when I explained something to him like an overly excited teenager. He even told me about some of the anime’s he used to watch as a kid, a few we had in common.

I took him down another row of filled shelves looking for a specific title I had in mind. This section was only filled with the Japanese prints making Johnny question my intentions. "You can't read Japanese. Don't they have English ones?"

"Mhm," i nodded as i bent over slightly searching for the right volume. "It's for Yuta. He's collecting My Hero Academia right now. I wanted to see if they had the next volume he needs."

"Hm." He scoffed. "Yuta."

"There's nothing wrong with looking for something for a friend."

"Never said there was. It's whatever."

I finally found the volume and snapped a quick picture of it to send to Yuta and asked him to come back down here when he had time. I started searching for another series he had in mind of starting when i felt something creep up my thigh. Johnny was behind me now, his fingers just barely under my skirt and rubbing across the band of my thigh highs. I straightened up and swatted at him. "Quit being a perv!" He smirked and set a kiss on my lips holding it long enough for me to worry about our PDA. "Dont make us like Quinn and Jae!" I whispered harshly.

"Sorry, i won't. I just needed it."

"Needed a kiss?"

He shrugged and kissed me again, this time quicker before he moved away from me and disappeared to another aisle leaving me to stay flustered. I grumbled and switched to find the English volumes of the manga section but got distracted by a rack of Rilakkuma plushies. The adorable teddy bear was one of my vices and I had spent more than I needed too on a few of the plushies here. There was one in particular that I didn't have that shone like a beacon of light in the sea of others. I crushed the plushie to my chest, happy at how soft and perfectly squishable it was. I looked at the price tag and winced, setting my dream plush down and retreating to the manga which i could afford.

I wasted almost a half hour mulling over which series I should buy- one i was close to finishing or another I had always wanted to collect. I sighed and picked the cheaper option, which still made me happy. I needed a new job asap but it was slim pickings in this stupid college town and the surrounding areas. I was flipping through the volume in my hand when Johnny appeared beside me, startling me.

"Hey, not to be a buzzkill but I'm hungry as fuck. Would you care if we went to go eat now?"

"Oh yeah! Sorry, i was reading through some of the volumes and got distracted with deciding what I wanted. We can go." I noticed he had a bag in his hand as he had apparently bought something. "Found something you liked?"

He simply nodded and i tried to sneak a peek to see what it was. He yanked the bag away and held it high above his head where he knew he couldn't reach. "Don't be nosey. Go pay for your stuff." He kissed the top of my head and I pouted before walking to the register and paying. The restaurant wasn't too far from the bookstore so we took the scenic route, walking hand in hand. I loved the way his fingers engulfed mine and made my entire hand disappear. I gave him a few squeezes to guide him in a new direction until we arrived. I pulled the door open for us and kept our hands entwined as we went to the line to order again.

Almost a half hour later we were still eating and actually laughing and having a flowing conversation. His laugh was so charmingly awkward that it resembled music to my ears. I could listen to him talk all day when he was passionate about something, his little lisp becoming more adorable to me by the second. I watched every motion his mouth made, falling into my secret oral fixation and noticing everything i found attractive- his overbite, his lisp again, his tongue reaching out to lick his lips, the small hiss he made as he sucked in air through his teeth when he was trying to think of something, and every once in awhile when he would sink his teeth into his bottom lip. He quirked an eyebrow at me, stopping mid sentence.

"What are you looking at?"

I snapped myself out of my daydream like state. "N-nothing, i'm just listening to you."

"I feel like you're staring, you weirdo." He chucked the balled up straw wrapper at me and i returned with my napkin ammo.

"I was not staring! I was just interested in what you were saying but now you're just being a jerk."

"I am not, whiny princess. I could just tell. Do i have something stuck in my teeth? Sauce on my face?"

I shook my head. "Nope, you're all clean."

He nudged his foot against my leg from beneath the table. "Then tell meeee."

"You'll laugh at me!"

"I'll always laugh at you but it's all in good fun."

I sighed and set my hands on my forehead, making a visor of my fingers and trying to block him from looking at me directly. "It's just a thing i have with mouths, ok?"

"Fuck, was i chewing too loud or something?"

I shook my head. "No it wasn't really when you were eating food it was more like when you were talking and stuff. It's just...a thing I have."

"I don't get it…"

"It's like a….like a fixation, ok? Can we move on before i embarrass myself more?"

"Fixation? Is this like a kink thing again?" He asked.

"No...a little. But not really I suppose. Just stuff I find attractive that draws me in i guess."

"So you just like notice stuff I do with my mouth?"

I set my head on the table wondering why i couldn't be a normal human being who didn't make a fool of themselves when they were with a boy they liked (read: loved). "Y-yeah…"

"So what did you notice, i'm curious. Is this more stuff that you think is cute about me? Hmm?"

"Yes...for the most part."

"Then tell me."

I sighed again and kept my voice low. "I watched you chew on your fork while you were talking. And i like your lisp."

"Please no."

I looked up at him and he was covering his mouth instantly. Great. Now i freaked him out for good. "'M sorry." I grumbled.

"I hate my lisp, it's the worst. Why do you even think it's cute?"

I shrugged. "I dont know. Maybe because i think you're cute. Maybe because i like how it adds to your accent. Maybe i'm just extra weird."

"You're the first person to ever tell me that, you know."

"I figured as much. I don't mention it often because it weirds people out. So, again, i'm sorry."

He chucked the napkin back at me making me look up at him. "What you think is weird is your normal. And hell yeah i think you're weird but you're interesting too. You keep me guessing and I never have any idea what you’re gonna say or make me feel next.” Johnny looked down at the small amount of food he had left and poked at it with his fork, taking his turn to avoid looking at me.

“Correct me if i’m wrong but are you being nice to me, Johnathan?”

“Don’t be gross.” He laughed. “You’re cute too, i guess.”

“Thanks, i’m flattered.” I rolled my eyes playfully and stood up. “I’ll be back, I’m gonna use the bathroom.”

“Sure, you don’t want me to come with you?” He joked.

“Please don’t. I actually have to pee.” I nudged his head as I walked by him and headed towards the bathroom. I checked my phone to see if Quinn had texted me or noticed that we were gone. There was nothing but an excited text from Yuta along with a kissy face selfie. I responded to him and finished up quickly before returning back to the table. I stopped when I was about to sit down as i was face to face with the Rilakkuma plush I had wanted back at the bookstore. “What did you do?”

Johnny shrugged. “I saw you looking at it so...i don’t know. I thought you might want it.”

“You...you didn’t have to…” I whispered. I was practically speechless and couldn’t even move. I just kept staring at it. I had never once expected him to do anything like this for me. This made everything absolutely worse. Not only did I have feelings for him but now he was being adorable and sweet and thoughtful. What a fuckin’ asshole! This was the last thing I needed from someone who only saw me as a fuck buddy. It was also going to mess with my head and my heart more and I was a total glutton for punishment. What the hell was I going to do with myself?

“Do you like it? You’re looking at it like it’s a bomb.”

I finally sat down and swiftly took the plush off the table and held it in my lap. “Thank you.”

“It’s not problem. I got a keychain too. One where he’s sleeping.”

“You got a Rilakkuma keychain?” I asked, stunned.

He unclipped it from his belt loop and held it up for me to see. “Yeah, why not? I liked it.”

“I just...didn’t peg you for a guy that would buy a stuffed animal for himself.”

“It kinda reminds me of you.”

We both looked at each other not sure of what had transpired. We were frozen in place and I could almost hear my heart thundering between my ears. I squeezed onto one of the plush ears trying to stabilize my anxious thoughts. Johnny swallowed hard and opened his mouth as if he was going to say something but a loud vibration of his phone on the table scared us both. I saw that it was Jae calling and Johnny picked it up.

“Dude, where the fuck are you!?’ I could hear him yelling through the phone.

“We left. We weren’t going to wait for you two to finish fucking and being gross.”

“Come back here and get us!”

“No way. You guys can find your own way home. Eri and I are going back to her place and then we’re gonna fuck.”

“Shut up!” I whispered harshly. “We can just go pick them up. It’s not big deal.”

Johnny shook his head at me, holding the phone a bit aways from his ear as Jae continued to yell. “No way in hell.” He mouthed at me.

I kicked at him under the table and gave him a stern look. “Go back.”

“They don’t deserve it.” Johnny hung up on his best friend and got up from the table. “C’mon. Let’s get going.” He grabbed our trays and tossed the garbage in the trash while i gathered my plush and purse.

“You’re ridiculous, you know that? We’re never going to hear the end of it.”

“And? It’s time for us to have our own fun now. Don’t worry about them.” He pulled me close to him and kissed me. “You ready?”

I knew it was wrong to leave Quinn and Jae behind butttt a part of me was still annoyed that they ditched us to go fuck. At least Johnny and I were going to hook up in the sanctity of my apartment and not in the middle of hanging out with friends. Besides, I did want to spend some alone time with him now. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have some fun of our own. “Yeah, I’m ready Johnny.”

“Jesus, it's cold in here!” I said as i opened the door to my apartment. “I'm gonna get a blanket for us if you wanna find something to watch.”

“Sure.” Johnny shrugged and kicked off his shoes as he sat down on the couch. I went to my room and tossed my purse and plush on my bed before gathering my fleece blanket. I nudged my own shoes off and made my way back to the couch, barely being able to see with the blanket balled up in my face. Just as i was hoping that i wouldn't trip, my foot caught onto Johnny's vans and i almost landed face first on the floor. He caught me instantly though and I was plenty grateful. Knowing my luck i would’ve slammed my head on the side of the coffee table. “And you think I’m clumsy.”

“Shush!” I said, pawing at his hands on my waist. “You shouldn't have left your clown shoes in the way!” He forced me to face him, my body poised between his legs and hands firmly on my hips. “What?”

He remained silent and gently eased me forward as he relaxed back into the couch. I got the message and crawled into his lap, straddling him. His lips busied themselves with pressing tender kisses to my neck while his hands crawled along my thighs. The gentle actions were enough to make me shiver just a bit. I pushed his hair back gently and took his wire frames between my fingers, pulling them away from his face. He blinked a few times as if his eyes had to readjust. I reclined back to set them onto the coffee table before returning my attention to him. “Well…” I began. “Here we are.”

“I've been wanting to fuck you all day you know that?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, i get it. The thigh highs. You're a slut.” I pouted. “I kinda...maybe…” I lowered my voice to just above a whisper. “I didn't mind hanging out with you today. I had a really nice time.” I was already kicking myself but i couldn't bare to hide my disappointment of my own true feelings. I did have fun with him. He made me laugh, genuinely laugh, and feel good. And the Rilakkuma he bought me would be something I cherished for a long time. I liked our date but I couldn't ask him out again, especially if he just wanted to fuck. Of course, that was my intention at the beginning as well but as usual I got caught up in trivial things that made me feel like I was actually important to someone.

“O-oh…” he said as if he wasn't even sure how to respond. I kept my gaze casted downward as my fingers twiddled away at a stray thread hanging from his shirt. “I mean...it was like cool and all I guess.”

He guessed. It stung. It really did. Even after the hand holding, kissing, and buying me things I was still nothing. But at least I knew what i was good for with him. “Yeah...Do you wanna….just get to watching stuff?”

He set his curled index finger beneath my chin and raised my head. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing's wrong, I'm fine.” I pushed his hand away and went to crawl off his lap but he instantly seized my waist again.

“Eri.” I hated the way his voice sounded when he was stern and reprimanding. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end and had my whole body melting into gooey mess.

“What?” I grunted.

“Tell me.”

“It’s nothing! I just thought you-it's stupid just forget about it.”

“Eri.” There it was again. Still after all these months his voice still drew me back in. I rolled my eyes and practically whined, despising that he was trying to make me talk about how i felt when he was the king of emotional suppression. It just wasn’t fair.

I tugged on the loose thread again, pulling it from the shirt completely. “I thought maybe you would've liked our date...the hang out thing I mean.”

“What makes you think i didn't?”

“You just said ‘it was cool and all i guess’. It sounds like you didn’t give a shit about it at all…”

“You want me to care about a date?”

“Yes! Wait, no! No, i do not.”

He raised a brow and squinted his eyes in confusion. “You don't?”

“I just- will you let me go? I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. Let's just fuck and get it over with.” I tried prying at his hands but he still wouldn't let me go, even when I started squirming.

“Eri.”

“Stop saying my name like that!” I snapped. I was failing at making it look like he wasn’t capable of making me lose my sanity.

“Say it like what?”

“Like all….UGH! You're frustrating!”

“I think you're frustrating yourself.” He chuckled which made my entire face heat up.

“I am not! I don't care if you don't care about the date but was it even a date like i had a really good time but you didn't and now i feel all weird and i don't wanna feel weird but i do and you're just here just not caring and i don't know! Ok?! I don't know!” I rambled in one breath.

“Shut up, you idiot.” He cupped my face in his hands, practically engulfing my entire head before pulling me to his lips. He was right of course. I was frustrating myself and letting my emotions mix with my anxiety to create this brutal concoction of frustration and confusion. I wanted to push him away so i could breathe and probably run away yet he was taking his sweet time as if he needed every caress of my lips. “I did have a good time.” He licked at the soft fullness of them before landing another kiss “A really good time. Why are you worried that I didn't?”

“Fuck if i know.” I whimpered. “You're fucking with my head.”

“Welcome to my world.” He pushed my hair away from my neck and planted kisses along my jugular. “Also do you not like it when i say your name?” His breath was dangerously close to my ear, his words a whisper that made my fingers dig into his shoulders harder.

“You were saying it all...harsh and commanding.”

“Did it scare you? I didn't mean to.”

I shook my head. “N-no. It um...actually turned me on.”

“Oh.” He pulled away from me. “Is it...like part of the daddy thing? Am i doing a good job? I really didn't notice.” He was blushing now but a small smile was creeping onto his lips as if he was proud of himself.

I returned the smile, my head feeling just a bit clearer. My ability to overthink everything was annoying when it swallowed my entire thought process. But his words were comforting enough to encourage me to breath and relax against him. “Yeah, you did a good job. You know you're kind of already a bit dominant right?”

“Uh really? I just thought I was being normal.”

“Remember your normal isn't the same as everyone else's. You just didn't notice or it seemed natural to you. It works. I also kinda like how growly you get.”

“Growly? I notice i do do that sometimes. I d-dont really mean to…” he said softly.

“Do it more often. Like a lot more often but don't force it. I like it when you do it when you’re fucking me from behind.”

“Wow uh, well ok.” He laughed nervously and darted his eyes away from me. “I will um...try and keep that in mind. For next time.”

“Now, you mean?” I set my hands on his chest and rubbed at the firm muscles beneath his shirt.

“Well...y-yeah, i guess.”

“It was your idea. Thigh highs remember.”

His gaze went back to my thighs instantly. “How could i fucking forget.” He slid his hands under my skirt and grabbed at my ass roughly. “What else do you have underneath here?”

“Do you think i'm going to show you that easily?” I smirked.

“You will. Get up.”

I ignored him and instead buried my face in his neck to give him small bites and licks. He didn't seemed too pleased with that as he landed a harsh smack to my ass, making me hiss. "F-fuck...jerk."

"Get up, Eri."

I shimmed off him and stood between his legs as he resumed his reclined position and rested his arms across the back of the couch. Slowly, i unzipped the back of my skirt, pulling away the suspenders and letting it fall to the floor. I pulled my shirt over my head, adjusting my hair once it was free and let him drink in the small fitting lingerie set. His eyes widened and his adam's apple bobbed within the tightness of his throat.

"What?" I started covering myself, suddenly becoming self conscious.

"W-wow…" was all he said.

"Wow, what?"

"Sorry, you just look…" he licked his lips and opened his legs a little wider. "You look hot."

"O-oh...” Was all I really managed to say. He took my hips in his hands again, pulling me gently to sit on the couch beside him. He caressed every inch of me while his lips crept closer to mine until they melted together. I trailed my hands beneath his shirt rubbing the softness of his stomach and begging to get it off so I could drink in his perfect body. Instead, he ignored my prying hands and pushed me down gently. I slipped one of the pillows that always resided on the couch behind my head while Johnny settled himself between my thighs. He focused his attention in trailing hot open mouth kisses and bites over my chest and winding down my stomach. Every bite was coupled with a soothing lick and a small whimper from me. I edged my hips up towards his mouth wanting him to mark my favorite spots. He dodged pleasing the place I wanted the most and grabbed a hold of my right thigh. He lifted my leg up to meet his lips and spent minutes on end kissing and rubbing every inch of it. I relaxed into his touches, feeling myself heat up at all the attention. “If this is how you’re gonna act every time I wear thigh highs then I’ll wear them more often.” I teased.

His eyes flickered up towards me but he remained silent. His lips went back to my inner thigh, kissing down to hover over my center, his bangs gently masking his face. I nibbled my lip nervously, wondering exactly what he was thinking and planning. The kiss was swift, pressed just above my clit and gone in an instant. I didn't ask him for more. That little act was enough progress for him and I couldn't help but feel a little bit proud. I smiled as I petted his hair back, whispering praises about how good he was making me feel. Again, he said nothing, seeming to be completely focused on giving the same attention to my left leg. His fingers danced across the soft fabric on my calf as his lips remained heated and eager. When he reached my ankle, he sat back on his knees and I heard the soft zip of his pants coming undone. He pulled off his button up, followed by his undershirt, yanking it up by the the collar and leaving them both by his shoes.

I pulled him close to me so we were flush together and wasted no time feeling the strong muscles in his arms. We locked eyes for a moment, smiling at one another before diving head first into another heated session of push and pull of our tongues. His hand rested over my neck, alternating between adding and releasing pressure while his hips ground into my budding wetness. I squeezed my legs around him, finding it a bit difficult to work around the minimal space we had on the couch. He didn't seem to care though and he was perfectly content with keeping his big body against me. I took in every degree of his warmth, grateful as i was about to be stark naked in a cold apartment.

"Take them off." I whispered between a kiss and suck to my tongue. I pulled at the nearest belt loop my fingers could reach. He let out a breathy sigh and worked them off. I could already see how filled out his boxer briefs were. The fabric was straining around him, barely keeping him in place. "Did my thigh highs turn you on that much?"

He didn't answer and instead buried his face in my neck while his hands worked my panties down around my ankles. After, he pulled my hand between us, setting it over his hardness. His breath cradled my ear in a plea. "Touch me." He whispered. My free hand dug into his hair while the other pulled the waistband down and set him free. He seemed thankful to finally get a bit of relief and the beautiful moan that he let out when i wrapped my hand around him was enough to almost make me cum right there. I shuddered a bit as that noise tickled my nerves and sent me into a fit of desperate hormones ready to take in every single inch of him.

He was already leaking so much that i could coat his sensitive skin with smooth glides and gentle squeezes. His teeth sunk into my collarbone, pinching my skin between the perfect rows and adding tenderness to the area. I flexed my fingers around his head, focusing rough pulls there as he started rutting his hips. He matched my pumps almost perfectly, shuddering curse words and vocal approvals into my skin. I eased his cock closer and he shifted his hips to press against my lower lips. My eyes fluttered closed as he rocked himself through my slickness. I circled my hips each time the tip of his cock flowed over my clit and ignited my lustful greed for him. A stiffer groan bubbled in his throat as he grabbed my hips firmly, keeping me steady so he could control all the movements. That small bit of control made me squirm beneath him, impatiently wanting to feel more of his fire fueled veins ride through my lips.

My thighs trembled ever so slightly, feeling the ridge of his head tease my clit once more. I let out a small mewl and felt as the mellow rocks of his hips slowed so he could press himself against my entrance. “W-wait, Johnny.” I pleaded.

“Hm?” He stopped entirely, waiting for me.

“We should use a...ya know.”

“What for? We’ve already done it without one.”

“Yeah but I don’t want to make a habit out of it. I’d rather be safe than sorry, ok?”

He sighed and bowed his head before getting up from the couch. “They’re in that box still, right?”

“Yeah.” I said softly. He wasn’t going to guilt me into fucking him again without a condom. I didn’t play that, no matter how good it felt only a week ago (or how much I kept thinking about it for that matter). While I waited for him to return I slipped my hand between my thighs, coating myself in my wetness and pressing two fingers inside. I sighed softly and closed my eyes, concentrating on the self pleasure. A few moments later, I felt the couch dip again and heard him chuckle lowly.

"Please. Don't let me interrupt." He kissed my knee and kept my thighs wide open to enjoy the view. I adjusted myself a bit lower on the couch and added a third finger before stretching myself open for him to see. I moved my fingers up towards my clit adding a few circles against it that made my back arch. I felt Johnny hover over me, taking my chin in his hand and making me face him. "You're not gonna cum like that."

"I know i'm not." I smirked and set my cum coated fingers in my mouth, enjoying the way his eyes widened and pupils dilated at the sight. I grabbed his ass, pulling him to me again before forcing myself down onto his length. He pressed me wide open, stretching me and filling me perfectly. His bottom lip was caught in his teeth and he moved my legs to rest on his shoulders. I had no idea what possessed him with the thought that I was some sort of contortionist pretzel but as soon as i felt him hit deep within me my eyes fluttered closed once more and i clutched onto his arms. I could barely handle it. Every move he made was absolutely flawless and heavy with lust that it made me moan more than i'd ever done before.

My breath was barely existent and he took the opportunity to capture me in another kiss, digging his fingers into my hair to keep me close. He seemed different somehow. More attentive, more touchy, more focused on us. It was like he wanted to spend hours within me and torturing me with orgasm after orgasm. He began rolling his hips, my calves jerking and toes curling around his head. I whispered his name against his lips, a scarcely audible beg for him to never stop. The sensation was so overwhelming i could feel tears edging to my waterline.

"You feel so fucking amazing, Eri." He said as his brows furrowed and sweat beaded across his temples. My body warmed at his praise, rolling against him to beg for more for more and clawing at the back of the couch. "C-can i try something?"

I raised a brow, confused at the timing of his sudden question. "H-huh? What? I don’t want you to stop, please."

"No, i know, me either but...i thought you might like this." He removed his arms from keeping himself propped above me and instead clamped one around my throat and the other over my mouth. He dug his fingers into my neck sending a shock wave to my system. My eyes widened as I never excepted him to get so into choking me. I was sure that he was still tentative to the whole action but the fact that he was doing this for me made my heart flutter with the prospect of love once more. "Is this ok?"

I nodded eagerly, tapping at his hips to remind him to keep fucking me as he took every breath from my lungs. My head dove into a fuzzing space of semi consciousness and pleasure, drowning in my deprivation. My walls clenched tight, holding the pressure and sucking him in as if he could go any further within me. His entire frame shuddered and his palm pressed harder into me, sinking against my windpipe. I worked my hips back against him, a bit quicker as i needed the fast pace to add to my imminent orgasm. "Mo-more?" He asked softly, through his uneven breaths.

All i could do was nod again, helplessly, as my scream was blocked out by the hand over my mouth and he plowed into me relentlessly. I could barely keep my sanity let alone my orgasm at bay, especially when his movements were coupled with those deep groans he made. My lungs were aching at this point and my stomach tightened. Every muscle in my lower half tensed and just as I tapped his forearm to free myself from his restriction, my back arched and sent my body into a spasm. It was intense, definitely more intense than my previous orgasms with him and I gulped down heavy breaths just to keep myself from going dizzy. He pulled me into his arms, keeping me against his chest and cradling my head as if to steady me. "Ssh, i got you." He said.

The light above me was blinding and i blinked rapidly as another shock wave zipped through me from head to toe. He edged my legs down from his shoulders leaving me to finally relax a bit more. I clutched onto him and squeezed my eyes so tight i could see colors flashing in the darkness of my lids. It took another minute or two until i had calmed down enough, feeling like a bit of a fool for having to completely recover from an orgasm. I hid myself in his shoulder, hoping he wouldn't think it was weird. He kissed my neck, my cheek, then my temple, before pulling away so my chest could fully expand.

"Can you get on your knees for me?" He asked as he sat back again. I instantly looked down at his cock which seemed to be painfully swollen and throbbing just a tiny bit. I wanted to take care of him and slowly eased myself up into his favorite position. It wasn't easy, especially with my legs feeling like utter jello but i managed to get there. I gripped the armrest and spread my knees to the width of the couch cushion. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pressed into me, making me wince. He stopped and slowed a bit, giving time for my tender walls to readjust to his girth. My shoulders dipped and i bowed my head, panting as he worked my hips back against him. I shifted a bit until it felt comfortable again.

He slid his warm hands up my sides to between my shoulders, unclipping my bra and pulling it down towards my wrists. I flung it away and let him engulf my breast in his hands, kneading harshly and pressing his torso against me. He held onto me tight and forced brutal thrusts into me, barely allowing me to keep up. I was already becoming a giant mess of emotions and couldn't bare another breathtaking orgasm no matter how much I craved it. I curled my nails into the fabric of the couch as I felt his thumb rub over my nipple between rough gropes. I breathed out his name like a swear and dipped my stomach downwards, allowing him to nudge at the sensitive bundle of nerves only a few inches within me. Every once in awhile he would pop out completely, just to fuck me ever so slightly with his tip before crashing back in. That simplistic addition was practically making my eyes roll into the back of my head.

I could already feel myself tiptoeing on that fine line of a second orgasm but I was holding back as much as i could. With the way his muscles were flexing against me I could tell he was trying not to lose his cool just yet either but was very close to failing. "Johnny…" I mewled and wiggled my hips back against him, trying to coax him to spill into the condom. He growled low and deep within his throat, naturally and without thought, as I looked back to see him still in deep concentration. I bit my lip and smirked to myself over my favorite sound he made.

"OH MY GOD!"

My perfect fantasy world was ripped apart when my eyes flew open and i was staring directly at Quinn and Jae who had come in through the front door. I screamed and scrambled to get the discarded blanket from the floor and pull it to my chest. Johnny quickly pulled out and balled up his clothes to try and shield himself from view. "ERI! RIGHT ON THE COUCH?!"

I could tell my face was beat red and i had no idea what to even say. Jae was covering his eyes, avoiding us at all cost. "Dude, gross. Put some clothes on!"

"Shut up! You weren't supposed to be here!" Johnny yelled.

"THIS IS MY HOUSE TOO! FIRST YOU DITCH US AT THE BOBA PLACE AND NOW YOU’RE FUCKIN’ OUT IN THE OPEN?!” Quinn continued to yell.

“Excuse me! You guys were being gross and LEFT US to go fuck in the bathroom first! We had every right to leave you because we weren’t going to wait until ya’ll got your rocks off!” I yelled back.

“Can ya’ll like...leave? I don’t even want to sit on the couch now.” Jae said, peeking between his fingers.

“Fuck you, dude!” Johnny got up, still holding his clothes in front of him. “Fuckin’ idiots.” He turned and headed towards my room making Jae groan when he saw Johnny’s ass.

“Bro! Come onnnnnnnnnn! Gross!” He groaned.

“Well what the fuck do you want me to do, huh?! It’s kinda difficult to put skinny jeans on with a goddamn hard on!”

I got up as well, in no mood to continue to be in front of them and wanting to shrink away immediately. I wrapped the blanket around myself and sprinted to push Johnny into my room and slam the door shut. I threw myself face down on my bed and screamed into my pillow. “I want to fucking die!”

Johnny tossed his clothes to the floor and crawled in beside me, pulling my spare pillow over his face and groaning. “Why are they like this? Why do they always have to ruin everything, i swear to god!”

“Please put me out of my misery. I can’t believe Jae saw me naked. Not only naked but getting fucking plowed!”

“I swear if he mentions anything about the way you looked i’m decking him in the face.” Johnny snapped.

“Wait do you think i looked gross? Oh my god, i probably looked gross.”

“Why are you worrying what he thinks?!”

“Well, i mean- if i’m gonna be naked in front of someone I at least want to look good!” I buried my face deeper into the mattress, mumbling a “nevermind.” Johnny pulled the pillow off his face and sighed. He snapped off the condom, tossing it into the trash beside my desk as I finally pulled my face up from the mattress. He set the pillow under his head and stared at the ceiling a permanent scowl on his face. I inched my way closer and set my head on his chest, sighing deeply. “What are we going to do now?”

He set an arm behind his head and looked over at me. “I don’t know. I’m not going back out there. Maybe i’ll just nap or some shit.”

I bit my lip. “I mean...We could finish…”

“Are you really still worked up after getting embarrassed like that?"

"Well they're not gonna see us in here! And i'd rather not think about what Quinn is gonna say about seeing your whole ass when you go home and I have to face them."

He ran both if his hands over his face and groaned again. "Christ…"

"Besides they act like I've never done shit on the couch! I gave Lucas a blowjob there!"

Johnny glared at me before rolling over. "Seriously?"

"What?" I asked confused. "What happened?"

He adjusted himself as best he could and didn't say another word. I shook his shoulder gently. "Whaaaattt?" He still didn't say anything which made me pout. "Johnny, why are you being grumpy?"

He shrugged me off his shoulder but I set my head on it instead. "Daddyyyy, tell me." I rubbed his chest and slid my hand down his stomach.

"Dont even." He grumbled.

"Then tell me."

"I'm fine."

I kissed at his shoulder then moved to his neck. "Nah-uh. You got all grumpy all of a sudden and i need to know why." I tiptoed my fingers lower, trailing down his body hair to grip his base. He grunted and still tried to ignore me. I made a hard bite just beneath his jaw before grabbing a handful of his hair and pulling back harshly. He hissed and grabbed at my wrist. "Tell me." I commanded. His eyes turned into slits as he gave me a death glare before tackling me, however with my bed being so small, we completely rolled over and fell onto the floor with a hard thud. I landed on top of him, straddling his lap. We looked at each other and burst into laughter.

"We can't win, can we?" I giggled.

"I guess not." He smiled as he pulled me down onto his chest and kissed me, pushing my hair out of my face. "I took the condom off because I figured you wouldn't wanna keep going."

"Hmm, i could go all night with you." I gave him a kiss and he rose to prop himself of his elbows.

"Well damn, i'm all for that." He smirked.

I shimmied off him and grabbed another from my box, eager to get back into action. He got up from the floor and back onto the bed while i tore the wrapper open and got between his knees. "You know...it was really hot when you choked me like that."

"I could tell you really liked it. I thought you were having an exorcism with the way you came so hard."

I rolled my eyes and blushed. "Don't flatter yourself too much." I rolled the rubber onto him and pushed him down onto the bed. He dragged me with him, positioning me to be his little spoon and pulling my legs open. I bit my lip and hid shyly into my pillow as he guided himself back into me. He sighed softly against my heated skin and kept my leg secured in his arm. I encouraged his thrusts, grinding myself back against him while his other arm slipped under my head and crossed over my neck, crushing my throat once more. I gripped the blanket beneath me tight, trying to steady myself in any way possible. Johnny bit at the back of my neck, keeping his control over me. I let out a strangled whimper when his hips sped up, snapping harshly against my ass.

I gripped at his hand that rested by my propped up leg and carried his fingers to my wetness. I wanted attention to my excited bundle of nerves but instead I felt his middle finger press into me in conjunction with his cock. I arched against him as that little extra addition stretched me further than i thought I could ever go. My fingers flexed with tension, practically shaking as my mind went blank. I could barely make out his cocky strangled whispers as I slipped closer towards another orgasm. He was curling his finger as much as he could while digging deep to the hilt inside me. I was squirming desperately and clamping down around him. He moaned my name deeply after a hard clench, his cock throbbing with his release. As he filled me, he slipped his finger out and gently rubbed at my clit, adding to the sensitivity. His hold across my neck loosened and i laid my head back on his shoulder, feeding into the loving attention. He stayed within me, his warmth filling my lower half while my cum covered him completely with my second orgasm, slightly dripping down between my cheeks.

We laid together for awhile, not saying much while we recuperated our breaths. He set my leg down and instead wrapped his arm around my waist keeping his chest pressed against me. I sighed and joined my fingers with his, giving his hand a slight squeeze. He nuzzled the back of my neck and stayed like that, drifting into sleep. It took me a bit longer to try and rest and i found myself distracted by the Rilakkuma plush that had fallen to the floor. I stretched my arm all the way out, reaching for it while trying not to disturb Johnny too much. My fingertips just barely grabbed it by the ear and I pulled it close, snuggling it to my chest.

I felt happy, more so than I was used to and the fact that it was caused by Johnny scared me the most.

We had spent days texting each other, sending stupid memes, videos, and sweet good morning snapchats. He would occasionally send me short clips of him playing around on his keyboard which made me feel warm with hope that he was getting his creativity back. I dared to share videos of me practicing guitar but never me singing. I was always out of frame too as i was still too shy to show him all of me. Quinn would grill me every time i stopped whatever i was doing to answer him immediately. Those little messages were starting to carry a lot of weight and even more so when they turned into late night facetime sessions or the occasional phone sex. I had even saved a selfie of him as his contact photo that would pop up every time he called.

Our little bit of free time was spent together, watching shows on Netflix, episode by episode, or even having online Overwatch matches where we would curse each other out. I never wanted to be healer and he wouldn't cover me when i needed him most. It was a pain but still proved to be a good time and we almost always ended up laughing in the midst of battle. He was even patient with listening to some of my band recommendations though he still wasn't too keen on some of the heavier stuff I listened too. I appreciated him trying though. It would suck when we would have to work and couldn't pay attention to our phones to respond as much. Tonight was one of those nights. I knew he was closing at the cafe and i was eagerly waiting for his response for when we could hang out next. Somewhere around 10:30 i got a phone call from him instead.

"Heyyyyyy beauutifullll." He said with such saccharine sweetness i knew he was up to something.

"What do you want?" I said flatly, needing to get past his little cover up.

"So...remember like a week or so ago when we went to get Boba and left Jae and Quinn at the place?"

"Yes?"

"So….he kinda got back at me."

"What do you mean?"

I heard him sigh deeply. "So this morning he said something was wrong with his car and asked to borrow mine. He promised to take me to work and pick me up while he tried to figure out what was wrong. Well i've been trying for like over a half hour to call him and even tried Quinn but neither one of them are answering. And uh...this isn't my pay week so I'm broke as fuck and cant afford an uber. Sooo….would you be able to come pick me up?"

"See, i told you we should've gone back to get them! But noooo, you had to be so headass about it!"

"Yeah yeah! Save your 'i told you so's'. Can you just pick me up? Please? It's cold out here and I'm freezing my ass off. It's starting to snow."

I sucked my teeth. "Fine. You owe me."

"I'll steal you some cake pops and breakfast sandwiches tomorrow."

"Deal. Give me 10 minutes. I'll be there."

"Thanks, you're awesome."

"No shit." I smiled. "I'll see you."

He hummed a goodbye and we hung up. I pulled on my fleece lined sweatpants and my winter layers before trudging out to my car. There was only a thin layer of snow on the windshield so i thankfully didn't have to stand outside and dust it off. I cranked up the heat as soon as I got in and headed towards his job. It didn't take me long to see his dark figure in the stillness of the parking lot. He ran up to the car, his breath visible puffs and nose bright red.

"Fuck, it's cold! Thanks, babe." He climbed in and shut the door and I noticed he looked completely drained and tired. His dark circles were more prominent and his smile seemed a bit forced.

"Are you ok?" I asked, concerned.

"Huh? Yeah, i guess. Why?"

"You seem like you could pass out at any minute. Have you been getting enough sleep?"

He chuckled. "Uh, no. When do I ever? I'm running on coffee and energy drinks."

"That isn't good Johnny…" i set my hand over his. "You need a break."

"Yeah tell my bosses that. It ain't gonna happen, princess."

"Have you eaten?"

"Don't have money too. Too busy at work to eat either. I'll figure something out when i get home."

"Johnny, what the fuck." I sighed and put my car in reverse and backed out of the parking spot. "You're coming home with me." I switched into drive and headed back to my apartment.

"No offense, but i'm not particularly in the mood to fuck right now. I know, shocking, but my feet and back are killing me."

"I'm going to feed you and you're getting a bubble bath."

"A what? I don't take bubble baths. That's like...girl stuff…"

"I will slap you. Bubble baths aren't a gendered activity, idiot. Everyone needs to get clean." I rolled my eyes. "You're doing what I say and i'm not getting any back talk about it, got it?"

He put his hands up in mock defense. "Fine, fine. Whatever you say." He closed his eyes and rested his head back in the seat and I was sure he was dead asleep in seconds.

I took my time driving home, letting him enjoy his quick nap. I gently shook him awake when i pulled into my lot and he shuffled out of the car like a zombie, following me to my door. We tossed our coats and hats on the floor, not bothering to hang them up and set our wet shoes on the doormat. I went to work cooking pasta (the quickest and cheapest thing I had to fill him up) while he stretched out on the couch to fall asleep again. He woke up instantly once I held the steaming bowl of finished spaghetti by his face and devoured it like a ravenous dog, asking for seconds soon after. I filled up his bowl again and set some aside for me, eating much slower than he was.

"I'm gonna get the bath going for you, ok?" I said once I was done.

"I can just shower you know."

"Baths help relax your muscles. Didn't I say no back talk?"

He rolled his eyes and left me to my own devices. I made sure the water wasn't too boiling before adding a bath bomb and a ton of bubble bath soap, bath oil, and some epsom salt. I even tossed in some soap flower petals I had gotten from the local dollar store and always used when i took my baths. I lit the candle that stayed on the top of the toilet tank and surveyed my handiwork. It was about to be a fun time. "Johnny!" I called out to him. "It's ready!"

He came into the bathroom and took one look at the bath and almost walked out. "What the hell is all of this?"

"Clothes off. Get in."

"Eri, this is ridicu-"

I pulled at his shirt. "You smell like sweat and gross coffee. Naked. Now."

He pulled his shirt over his head and nudged his socks off with his toes. "Don't you think it's-"

"Pants. Lets go."

He pursed his lips and slid off his dress pants and underwear. "Alright, fine. I'll get in." He walked over to the tub as if it was going to attack him and dipped his foot in slowly. "You want me to boil in there?! Why is it so hot?"

I rolled my eyes at him acting like a baby and turned on the cold water to bring it to a better temperature for him. "Try that."

He dipped his foot in again and seemed satisfied with it. He slowly sunk down and settled as best as he could given his long limbs. He stood quiet for a second before looking up at me. "This is the shit."

"Oh my god. I told you! You're over here with your fragile masculinity about taking a bath. It's the best thing ever! Hashtag self care, homie."

"Get in here with me." He grinned.

"Oh, and where am i gonna fit when you take up the entire tub?"

"We'll figure it out, just come in here. The water's niceeeee."

"Yeah because i made it that way." I left the bathroom adding that i would return in a second. I went back to the kitchen and pulled out the last two beers I had, flicked off the caps and took it back to the bathroom.

"Helllll yeahhhh." Johnny perked up when he saw what i had in tow. I handed them over to him to hold while i discarded my clothes and maneuvered myself between his legs with plenty of difficulty. My tub wasn't made for a giant and me put together. Eventually we settled into a mostly comfortable position and i rested my head back against his chest, sipping at my beer. He seemed to be preoccupied by gathering suds in his hands and squishing the bubbles like a big kid. I took another sip and set the glass bottle onto the floor a little bit aways from the tub.

"You look like a toddler playing with the bubbles like that." I laughed.

"I'm just having fun. Besides, i can do this with them." He smooshed a handful of suds into the side of my face, catching me completely off guard.

"Oh you ass!" I wiped my face and flung the bubbles at him, getting it in his hair and face. He set his beer down beside mine and tried grabbing me, making water splash over the edge of the tub. I was a giggling fit as we tried to see who could cover who in the most bubbles. He splattered more into my hair though I was trying to block him as much as I could. I had closed my eyes for fear of getting soap in them and swatted at him until i felt him grabs my wrists and pull me close. We were still laughing out asses off until i wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.

"Isn't this better than some boring shower?" I smiled.

"Yeah, everything's better with you...but i do actually have to get clean. My hair is greasy as fuck."

"Oh, hold on. I grabbed my shampoo from the corner of the tub and pumped some into my palms. I slathered it into his hair, pushing it back before dipping my hands in the water. I scratched at his scalp, rubbing the shampoo in and making sure any didn't get into his face. He didn't protest at all and instead leaned into my chest, letting me take care of the rest. I wiggled onto my knees to get better access to him and he of course took the opportunity to grabs my ass, laughing when he slapped it and made suds fly about. I smacked the back of his head playfully and demanded he stay still when my nails were digging into his scalp.

He kissed my chest and neck, promising he would be a 'good boy' and making me roll my eyes. Eventually, i grabbed the shower head and rinsed off his hair though he shook the water from it like a dog and doused me. I proceeded to force the shower spray in his face which only made him grab me again and practically dunk me into the water. He was barely relaxing but definitely smiling and having fun which i guess was still a win. When i slid back up he wiped the suds away from me and kissed me, keeping me cornered between the edge of the tub and his body. I smiled into the kiss and wrapped my arms around him again getting lost in my usual happy place.

We stayed like that until the water ran cold and made us shiver. I drained the tub and turned the shower on letting him fully wash up and get conditioner in his hair. There was a bit of a distraction when he was "helping me get clean" and his hands dove between my thighs. I almost fell for it because he always knew how to work me up in seconds but i was able to keep him at bay and make him rinse off. I stepped out the shower first, wrapping my hair in a towel and getting another for around my body. I padded out to the linen closet to get a spare and tossed it at him while he stood dripping in the tub. I went to my room to scope out some of Lucas' clothes that Johnny could wear for pajamas- well if he wanted to. He always did sleep naked. He came into the room a few minutes later, towel wrapped around his waist and still dripping just a bit.

"Did you actually want to sleep in clothes tonight? It is pretty cold." I asked.

"Yeah tha’ts fine….is that my hoodie?" He asked as he caught sight of his hoodie that rested over my desk chair. I had kept it since the night after the Halloween party.

"O-oh….yeah, uh… do you want to wear that?"

"I almost forgot you had it. It's like my favorite hoodie too." He grabbed it and briefly gave the hood a sniff. "Hm…"

"What?" I asked before pulling a pair of sweatpants out of the drawer for him.

"Nothing, it just smells like you now."

I raised a brow. "Uh...sorry?"

"Nah, its cool...how often were you wearing it?"

I didnt need him to know i slept with it on almost every night so i shrugged coolly. "Eh, once or twice. I didn’t really pay attention to it."

"Mhm." Was all he said before I handed him the sweatpants and he pulled them on. He crashed face down onto my bed, groaning happily as he finally got to lay down. I finished drying my hair, tying it up, and pulled on my comfy oversized pjs. I got in bed beside him and kissed at his bare shoulders.

"Do your muscles still hurt?" I asked.

"A little. Mostly my lower back. It was truck day so of course i had to get all the boxes of coffee and shit organized and lift every thing. I'm just ready to sleep."

I slipped over his hips and ran my hands over the small of his back. "Do you want a massage?"

He looked back at me. "What?"

"A massage. Like you know, to relieve some of the tension?"

"Oh...ok?"

"What? You never gotten one before?" I laughed at his incredulousness.

"Not really. I usually do it for girls to get them in the mood or whatever. Touch their tits."

"You're definitely the romantic." I shook my head and dug my palms into his lower back hearing a few vertebrae crack. He cursed softly and i felt his entire body relax beneath me. "There you go, dummy. That’s better."

I worked my hands over his muscles, sliding them across his shoulders and working my thumbs into the back of his neck. "Damn Eri, what did I do to deserve you?" He chuckled.

"I mean, i'm definitely the best you've ever had and the best you'll ever get." So why don't you ask me to be your girlfriend already?

He snorted. "Yeah, sure. I will say though that you've got the best ass and you're turning me into an ass man for sure."

"And a thigh man too."

"All of it." He smirked.

"Get into anal, then we'll talk." I cracked a bit more of of his spine before leaning down to kiss his cheek.

"Hm, doubt it." He closed his eyes and pulled my Rilakkuma plushie that had become my sleeping partner close to him. Why did he have to be so fucking cute? It was getting impossible to ignore my feelings for him no matter how hard i tried to suppress them. It was bad enough that he made me laugh and smile but we were actually getting along pretty well. He was starting to seem absolutely perfect and yet...he would never have feelings for me. I sighed internally as i slid off him and pressed myself into his back, becoming the big spoon. He didn't move or shrug me off so I assumed he didn't care. That or he was already passed out which seemed like the most logical explanation.

I pulled the covers over us and wrapped my arm tight around his waist. Eventually the stillness of the air around us and the calmness of his breathing got to me. Slowly, i started falling asleep, encased by his warmth and my feelings of never wanting him to let go.

Johnny's POV

I felt hands grabbing at me, clutching at my shoulders and chest. I tried to block them, shove them away. I pleaded for them not to touch me. I didn't need to feel used again. Or dirty. Or weak. I screamed then, burning my lungs as tears rolled down my face.

"JOHNNY! WAKE UP!"

The voice was different then what I was expecting and I opened my eyes to see her face full of worry with a red mark on her cheek. "E-Eri?" I could barely speak.

"I think you were having another night terror. I-i was trying wake you up but you kept fighting…"

"D-d-did I hit you?"

"I mean...i know it was an accident. You were in a state of panic." She dragged her thumb across my cheek and I could feel her wipe at the tears there. They hadn't stopped flowing and i realized how much of a fool I was. I never cried in front of anyone. I would never show that side to me. Not only had I told her my deepest secrets but she had watched me have not one but two night terrors. Now here I was crying-no, sobbing- like a little bitch. I had to leave. I shoved her away quickly, probably harder then i needed to and got up from the bed. I was in a rush to pull on my hoodie and get to the front door while she was calling out to me to slow down. I couldn't bare too.

I ran out of her room, wiping furiously at my face. I gathered my coat from the floor and shoved my feet into my work boots. Quinn was just coming through the door and stopped as she saw me. "Johnny? Are you ok?"

"Did Jae drop you off?! Is he still downstairs?!"

"Wh-what? Yeah. Did something happen between you and Eri?"

"Johnny!" I heard Eri cry out. I moved Quinn out of the way and took the stairs two at a time, calling out to Jae as another wave of tears threatened to push through. I threw the front door open and waved at him, his eyes widening as he sat in my car. I got in the passenger seat as fast as I could.

"Johnny, i can explain-"

"Drive!"

"What? What happened?"

"JUST DRIVE!"

"Fuck! Ok!" He hit reverse and backed out before speeding away from the apartment. "What's going on, bro?"

I covered my face with my hands and rested my elbows on my knees. "I can't do this anymore. They're getting worse. I cant fucking do this."

"What's getting worse? Did Eri do something to you? I'll turn this car around right now, i swear to god."

"No. No. Just go home. Please just take me home."

"You need to tell me what's happening. I mean it." He said, sternly.

"Not right now. Later. I can't...fuck, i can't…" i sniffled and rubbed at my eyes again, trying to make sure I didn't shed another tear. Jae didn't say anything after that but I could tell he wanted to. I just needed to know why I couldn’t get over this. It had been over a month since it initially happened but only a couple weeks since she had left me alone for good. I had spent so much time with Eri that I thought it would be over but she could only do so much. And now i had hit her, an accident, but it still brought me back to how I felt when the bruises were all that were left of Rixi’s torture. I pressed my head against the cold glass of the window and watched as the street lamps passed by.

"I really worry about you…" Jae said in Korean, which meant he was completely serious.

"Yoonoh, i said not now." I replied. My Korean wasn't the best of the best and my accent was complete shit compared to his but I could at least hold a conversation.

"I know not now, we don't have to get into it but i still wanted you to know. I'm here for you and if she so much as hurt you-"

"She didn't. Eri would never. I know she wouldn't. But...I just keep reliving what happened and can’t let it go. That's all."

"Maybe...you should try like therapy, man. They have those groups for survivors and-"

"I'm not a fuckin' charity case and i don't need therapy. I'm not gonna sit there being the only dude and get laughed at. I can deal with it on my own." I snapped.

"Can you? Because it doesn't seem like it." He said, softly.

"I don't even know anymore…"

He pulled up to our place and i walked ahead of him which was when i realized i had left everything in Eri's room. I sighed and set my head against the door wondering if Jae would go back and get my keys, wallet, and cell phone for me. I didn't want to face her. After all how did you face the person you had feelings for when you just cried right in front of them.

Eri's POV

He hadn't talked to me in a couple weeks again which was starting to become the most annoying and frustrating thing about him. Just when i thought i was breaking his walls down he would block me off again. It was like all those perfect moments we shared together meant nothing at all and we were back to square one- or square zero for that matter. I kept promising myself that no matter what Johnny did to try and weasel his way back into my life I wouldn't let him. I couldn't fix him, i couldn't stop his night terrors or anxiety, and I sure as hell couldn't get him to admit that he needed more help than i could give. It wasn't my job to build him back up even if i was okay helping him out a little. I still did care about him and didn't want him to suffer but I also had to move on for my sake.

However, the way I coped with everything was my favorite self destructive habit. The other lead singer of my band, André, had invited me over for a house party with some of the other people we normally played with at the club. Even a few of our friends who were on tour had come down to our shitty little college town to see us. It had been about a year since they had gone on tour and I was so damn happy to see them. Too many drinks later we were jumping on the couch and breaking shit, playing riff after riff on our guitars and laughing our asses off at stupid stories. I had no idea how many people I kissed or how many times someone asked me to hook up with them. Headbanging made me dizzy but i did it anyway. Hanging around a bunch of metalhead dudes was not the time to punk out. I stopped myself from puking a few times and managed to get a round of Three Amigos in; my specialty. One shot of Fireball, one shot of Honey Whiskey and a last shot of Bourbon.

That pushed me over the edge into bad decision territory. I stepped out of the apartment for a minute in a fit of drunken giggles. I unlocked my phone and trailed through my contact list ready to make a fool of myself. I dialed the number and waited. It only rang two times before he answered.

"Eri?" He sounded confused and a little bit sleepy. My sense of time was distorted.

"Heyyyyyy cutie. How's it going?" I giggled.

"Fuck, you're drunk."

"Absolutely not! I'm just a little tipsy, that's all baby, I swear."

"Yeah, no. You're drunk. I'm the last person you'd be calling."

"I miss your dick though. A lot. I think about it sometimes. It felt good. So good…"

His tone changed a bit, voice getting a little deeper. "Oh? Yeah? I guess I can admit I’ve thought about you a few times too."

"But you hate me!" I whined. "You're always so mean to me and you never talk to me!"

"I don't hate you I just hate the shit surrounding you is all. It's too much drama. I just want to fuck you without any problems."

"You can fuck me. Please fuck me."

"Eri…" I heard him sigh softly. "I can't, baby. You're drunk. That's literally illegal."

"Nooooo, no. I'm not I swear. Can I come over in a bit? Will you stay up for me? I'll make it worth your while."

"If you come over i'm just gonna have to babysit you and make sure you don't choke on your own vomit."

I let out a frustrated grunt, his name coming out short and snippy. "For the last time i'm not drunk. I want you to fuck me, ok? All these idiots at this party want me but I don't want any of them. I want you. I want you...all of you. For the rest of the night."

"Why do you do this? You're a heartbreaker and a fucking tease, you know that?"

"That's how I get them to keep coming back." I smirked. "Do you really not hate me? Like...for real."

"I meant what I said. I really don't hate you. I've thought about you more than enough. I've thought about when I was inside you, when we kissed, the way you looked at me when you came, how good you looked at the summer party. I've wanted you for awhile but never had the guts to say so, and always hated the shit you brought around."

"I'm a good girl, i swear. I won't cause any trouble. I really need you. Please?"

"Ok, ok...promise me you'll sober up first. And for the love of god don't drive. I'll call you an uber if you need one."

"Hmm, no. I'll be ok. I'll be there soon. Just be ready for me."

"You're a pain in the ass, i hope you know that."

"So are you, jerk." I giggled. "Bye." I hug up my phone, biting my lip as I was happy to get my hook up for the night. I missed him a little and needed to get my mind off of everything and he was the perfect distraction. Suddenly, the door swung open and my arm was grabbed.

"Why are you out here?! We need you to show Justin that he doesn't know shit about a good solo!" André said. "You need to kick his ass!"

"Ok! Ok! But only one. I've got to get somewhere after and sober up."

"Boooooo! That's boring! Where the hell do you need to go?"

"To get laid, duh! Where else would I go?"

"Oh great. Did Crystal call you up again? She was supposed to be coming soon." He said.

"Nah, not Crystal. An old flame. But tell her that she's more than welcome to get back in my bed and be tied up." I set my arm around his shoulder and lead him back into the apartment. "Now let's show that dumbass who's the head bitch in charge around here."

It was another hour or so before I left. I wanted to at least get some water in me before I headed over to his place. The snow on the ground had turned into slush as the past few days had been rainy. Tonight was barely any different. When I had gotten into the uber it was drizzling but as soon as I got to the apartment it had turned into a torrential downpour. The quick walk to the front door had me soaked in seconds and absolutely freezing. I knocked on the door fast hoping he was still up like he promised.

It took a minute but he opened the door. His eyes widened at my shivering state and pulled me in quickly. "Jesus, what happened to you?"

"It's p-pouring and like 30 degrees out. I'm f-fuck-fucking freezing."

He pushed the wet hair away from my face and cupped my face in his hands. I clutched onto his tank top, desperate for warmth and for his touch. He kissed my trembling lips and after such a long time of not being with him i realized exactly what made me hook up with him in the first place. He was always so attentive and ready to please me that it made my heart burst into a fast paced sprint. "Let's get you a hot shower, ok? Don't need you catching a cold, angel."

"Hmm, you know i'm far from an angel, but I will take the shower with you.” He closed the door as i took off my leather jacket and untied my combat boots, yanking them off and almost stumbling to the floor. He caught my shoulder and helped me straighten up.

"You good?"

I giggled. "Yeah, definitely." I took his hand and headed towards his bathroom. "C'mon Taeyong, I promised to make it worth your while didn't I?"

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