#THE WORST PART IS YOU ARE CORRECT
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I say this in the most affectionate way possible, but WTTT reminds me of the Thomas Jefferson Miku Binder the way we be projecting onto states. Never change, WTTT fandom
THOMAS JEFFERSON MIKU BINDER. I THOUGHT I ESCAPED IT
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Junicrane/Starstruck Ramble
I will not be brief, all under the cut
To clear some things right off the bat:
No corpse, no proof with Juniper. Obligatory this is set in a canon where he's alive and adjacent to the agency in some way.
Reggie & Juniper are just gay to me, but I don't mind any interpretation of their sexuality
The games are set in 1967/68 to me (based on a couple bits in game) which is before it was legal to be gay in America at least (1971), which is relevant to how I interpret canon as being somewhat grounded in reality, despite unrealistic elements.
This is just an insane amount of headcanons/elements of and AU all culminated into one post. I will talk about some headcanons like they're just facts because they are established in my head, and it saves me over explaining literally everything, however I will explain some parts a little bit for clarity.
Alright. Actual beginning of the ramble:
Juniper is a character to me who had gotten so lost in his job as an actor and a social presence that in the end his whole life revolved around that 'role'. Because of this, by the time he's put into the situation where he's around the Agency, he basically knows nothing about himself, though he doesn't realise at first. Furthermore, what little identity he had has changed in so many ways. He's no longer a beloved famous actor in the prominence of public light, he's legally dead and he tarnished his career just before he was supposed to die, with the bonus of that making him lose the majority of his estate. From that, he also has horrific facial scarring from the electrical burns from literally having his face fried. I believe a friend of mine made a post about this a while ago (I also think they were the first to think it up also), but, to me, Juniper has a permanent trimmer in his right arm (aka his dominant hand) from the electrical current and it is messing with his nervous system.
All in all, he's not doing great, but he's too proud to admit that he's not doing great, because if anything, what's left of his ego is all he has as a defense since he's deep in unfamiliar water.
Before ending up around the agency (I have multiple interpretations of this, so I'm just going to bring it up generally), he'd never actually seen Reggie, and his only impression of him is a single voicemail, which was his only reference he had to later impersonate him. Juniper probably has very little feelings other than the ones he projects onto him because of Phoenix and that, at the very least, he's physically attracted to Reggie to some degree (that's like the beginning of how everything else would tumble into place in this sort of interpretation at least).
And on Crane's side? His feelings towards Juniper are probably very intense and muddled. On the one hand, he adores musical theatre, and that's his now ex-favourite actor. The thought of just casually being around him blows the bit of fanboy in him away at first because THAT'S the GUY, plus the inklings of a celebrity crush which still poke at him. And then there's the rational side of him, which knows Juniper has committed absolute atrocities on the side of Zoraxis, and hates him for that. Then there's how much Juniper comes off as an asshole at first because he refuses to cooperate with anything the Agency tried to put in place. He finds Juniper endlessly frustrating, and yet he's stuck working with him since, afterall, he's the one who knows the Agency's history with Juniper the best. I imagine him acting a lot like how he does IEYTD 1 around Juniper.
At this point, I'm just describing the pitch for a romcom.
I think the start of their relationship with one another largely started with Juniper trying to wind Crane up. It was a way of getting his attention, and I don't think Juniper knows why he's so dead set on that at first, because I don't think he realises he has a crush on 'this grump' at first. (I think that's actually the fun part about these two, because it's almost like a role reversal of the celebrity crush dynamic. This ex-big name actor has a TERRIBLE crush on an average joe and it is KILLING HIM.) But of course the Agency keeps them together because Juniper is at least conversing with Crane, so it's a start.
Through one way or another, they actually get talking casually, at least mildly at first. It takes Juniper a long time to fully deconstruct the wall he's built, and the thing is, Crane isn't the one trying to deconstruct it, at least at first, because yeah, Juniper realises if he wants Reggie to actually like him in any way, he can't keep winding him up. So they talk. Small talk at first, something rhythmic and almost easy to keep to a script. And over time that turns into actual conversations. Genuine ones in which Reggie rips out the occasional one of his jokes which Juniper is endlessly endeared about. The way he smiles just before he makes them, like he wants to chuckle at what he's about to say before he says it. That's probably when Juniper realised that he does have some vague crush on him, and that it wasn't going away.
This is what kickstarts John I can't-buy-you-things-to-impress-you-so-acts-of-service-it-is Juniper to do little things for him. It mostly starts off as him trying to make Reggie his tea how he likes it. However, the nerve damage in his arm makes that hard, as the weight of the kettle and trying to pour is hard all of a sudden. And he refuses to accept that, so he tries for a very long while. Long enough that Crane would go to investigate what was going on. And when he does see Juniper leaning over a cup with the kettle as he uneasily tries to pour it, and when Crane asks Juniper responds so matter-of-fact that his intention is nothing but genuine. And it catches Reggie off guard because Juniper hadn't done anything like that up to that point, and his very apparent vulnerability is so clearly on show.
It shifts something between them.
From that point on, conversations are longer, more familiar. Both of their attitudes soften, and Reggie makes more jokes. Juniper learns how to better use his left hand while strengthening his right back to a point where it could be used again. Slowly, they're both spending time with one another not because they have to, but just because they can. Little bits at first, not too far outside what they already were doing, but those little bits turned into long bits to a point where the other person's company was genuinely desirable.
As time passes, Juniper probably realises that he doesn't genuinely know much about himself or what hobbies he's into, because he never really had the time when he got big, and his home life in his youth wasn't bad, but it wasn't picturesque. I think Reggie would pick up on it, and absolutely try to introduce him to some things he's into. Some things stick, other things don't (corn husking very much stays Reggie's passion, and John will go with him sometimes because it's him, but it's not something he strongly cares for). Crane introduces him to a lot of music, and it's something that becomes a staple between them, with tracks they listen to more than others (tragically, I know relatively little about 60s music so I couldn't really say what). Occasionally they dance, never anything intense, think slow dancing, but the closeness is nice.
Through all of it, Juniper is battling the worst crush of his life, and he can't stand it, because I think he struggles to read people since he doesn't have anything like a script or a director to refer back to, so he has no idea if Reggie likes him back or if he's just desperate for that to be true. I think because of that any sort of confession between them would be incredibly raw, not only because of the time they live in making it hard for them to be truthful about how they love, but because it's a complete show of Juniper who's worked to be this better person. I don't exactly know how that would go, mainly because I don't have one set version of their dynamic, this post is just a generalisation of main consistent points.
Reggie does like him back, because he's gotten used to Juniper being just this guy, not a figure in the public eye, not a Zoraxis lackey, and not any sort of Agency operative (despite being under their care to some degree). He's someone he genuinely cares for, because they've given one another the time of day to learn one another, and I think because Reggie was a field agent, he was a lot better at reading Juniper than Juniper was at reading him. Eventually Juniper's company becomes something he could see around him for the rest of his life, and I think he accepts that he likes Juniper a lot more gracefully.
I think any affection directed at Juniper would at first be met with him feeling a little muddled. Reggie was a very physically affectionate person when he could be, and sure the initial flirting with one another came with the occasional little touches, but everything now was so deeply intentional. I also don't think Juniper would almost ever get over the novelty of being able to kiss him, or many other gestures, because it made the fact that they were together so very real, and it was great. I do think it comes easier to Reggie, and it's a big way of showing how much he cares, so it's important for Juniper to try and show it back because he knows how much it means to the other.
I like the idea of them eventually living with one another, too. I think Juniper would have always had a quiet little daydream of sorts where he does just live a domestic quiet life, and he can with Reggie (well, as close as they can get between the Agency and Zoraxis always being at odds), and he loves that, and he loves him, and it's immense.
I think they cook for one another a lot, it helps Juniper work on his dexterity in a controlled environment, which means a lot because it's a huge point of insecurity (that and his scars). He does improve, and Crane is proud of that and shows it and it's great. I also think they'd probably cook together too, because they can deal with being in the kitchen together and they work well with one another. It's probably a good way for them to unwind because over time they can do it in relative silence.
As I said before, I also think music is a staple in their household, and that Reggie listens to things on vinyl almost all of the time because he likes the background noise. Sometimes Juniper will catch him chuntering along to the music which he finds endlessly endearing. I wouldn't put it past his dramatic ass to also join in to fluster Reggie, but I also don't think Reggie would mind that terribly because Juniper has listened to the music enough to know the lyrics, and that's huge to him.
I don't think they are without rough patches, no relationship is, but I think the good part about them is that they're willing to talk about it (... eventually). They're used to long conversations, and while they're often less fun conversations, they're needed and they know that, and it works out.
Alright. I think I'm done for now. I haven't mentioned everything, but this definitely got the worst of it out of my system. If you ever want to hear any specific thoughts my ask box is open but other than that, behold my general dynamic for these two which has been festering in my head for years. I think they're great
#ty right-agent for explicitly telling me that this would be welcomed you a real one#i had a massive babble to my friend abt what if they all feed me to the hounds for speaking#and he said “girl that fandom is like 12 people big they need you to speak” and yeah that also helped#i have a hard time talking if I'm not asked/prompted to that's why i adding tags is great for me. that and i like the format#anyways.#THESE TWO.............dear lord can you tell I have been unwell abt them forever..#this is propeganda (/j) for them. btw. please you have to understand the potential here. it's so good.#it's slowburn <- my (probably) demiromantic ass cannot handle romance without a build up and this set up is perfect (it will never happen)#also i find it easier to write ANYTHING between these two from Juniper's perspective because i find it easier to get into his head#idk reggie is like the gay version of the: what is he thinking of? i could take a bear in a fight. audio ive heard.#whereas with juniper i have him trapped under a microscope#im going to tag this now so i can use the remaining tags to RANT#ieytd#john juniper#reginald crane#junicrane#starstruck#i expect you to die#<- being BRAVE!!!#when I get really excited i start getting like this internal shaking feeling and uh. yeah this rant started that#the worst part abt that is it also triggers my tourettes so like. double whammy. excited about blorbos? jail :(#but. yeah I uh. yeah. sorry this IS so long..I did warn but . AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHAUUUUUUAHHHHHHHHHHHHH#also i did this rant in 2 parts. last night and this morning so yeah uh. yeah.#god im so messed up about these two#make me a boat by the family crest came on while wroting this and while it's mainly a roxanix song to me......AUUUUUG.....#i struggle to find music for these sillies because they have such a specific vibe to me amd I've not quite managed to find something which -#- genuinely feels correct for them and it drives me up the WALL#GOD NIGHT SHIFT JUST CAME OF SHUFFL.....all my ieytd songs are coming out to drive me up the wall.......#FINISHED I've been adding tags as I've gone alonga#thank you for reading hope you enoyed and if you didn't im sorry
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I did some lino outfits bc I like dressing him up. Please ignore the fact that he should have 2 flesh legs in two of these.
#idk. something something about one of his castings as an angel worships the parts of him that made him Lino and did nothing to hide them#and the other going out of its way to make him 'normal' while still using the same justifications to call him an angel#anyways his leg wasnt crushed that high up but it needed to be re amputated and shortened a few times#to correct the fuck ups that happened during the last attempt to treat it#Vincents attempt caused him to get a gnarly infection on the bone that made it weak.#Margo was able to salvage that mess but had to take a few inches to clean out the worst of the infection and have enough excess to#close the wound properly.#The first prosthetic he got at The Sun was meant to look like a real leg while not actually being a good prosthetic.#it was bolted directly into his Still Healing bone. Very fancy. That surgery also took a few inches off.#The last one he had to deal with was when he went back to vincent and had a Fun Time talking Vincent through how to do an amputation right#But vincent did actually do a decent job that time and kt wasnt a pleasant but it still like#worked out.#hes like 4 ft tall so he didn't have a lot of inches to begin with. you lnow how it is
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every once in a while ill be thinking abt simon & betty and how much i love them and then suddenly i remember the f&c finale and get annoyed. like it dosent exist in my brain at all and then suddenly im like. WAIT. they really did that huh. anyway it reached an ultimate level when this morning i woke up thinking abt adventure time immediately (presumably i had a dream abt it?) and legitimately thought to myself "wait? how'd fionna and cake end? what where the last two episodes?" and for maybe a minute at most i had the inner peace of someone who was oblivious to adventure time butchering simon and bettys characters last minute. i miss it so much.
#text#technically those wherent the worst episodes of adventure time but to me they are#because of how much potential they sqaundered#and how they irreparably changed the canon of these characters that i hold so dear to my heart#and now ppl r technically correct when they say things that where NOT TRUE before f&c forgot what it was about right at the end#i hate you casper&nova i hate you cheers. i would erase you if i could. the show coulda just ended on episode 8 i wish it had#the good parts of those episodes. of which thwre where quite a bit. WHERE NOT WORTH IT#fionna and cake spoilers
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pov your classmates spend all their time playing STUMBLE GUYS instead of working on your HISTORY GROUP PROJECT so they have a shitton of WRONG ANSWERS that YOU have to fix
#THE WORST PART IS WE NEED THE ANSWERS FOR THIS PART OF THE PROJECT SO THAT WE CAN DO THE INDIVIDUAL WORK#BUT THEY DONT GAF BECAUSE THEY ALREADY SUBMITTED THEIR PART OF THE WORK ON WEDNESDAY#BUT I WAS ABSENT I NEED THE CORRECT ANSWERS SO THAT I CAN DO MY WORK#THIS IS WHY YOU DONT FUCKING SPEND ALL YOUR CLASS TIME PLAYING FUCKING STUMBLE GUYS ON YOUR SCHOOL COMPUTER#im about to have a breakdown i HATE group projects#zahrawr rawrs★*.✧#zahrawr reblogs★*.✧
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omgg lol [guy who won't stop going "more like scapeGOATED" voice] now hold! on!! lmao [same guy just saw encanto voice] Hold on!!!
#& [it might be 5am but i'll still see if i can draw some] trackpad homemade reacts. inhales & hands to head/face x9 then walking off#site giving pretty random Suggested assortment there where i was like oh right sure. prob not tumblr keywords captures lmaooo#(plus happened to have it open in firefox) but my god Not the scapegoated literal seers lmfao. whoooo. my god#also it was just really good anyways like right nice. damn#the (queerrr) seerrr the perceiverrr the truth tellerrr the ruinerrr the scapegoat be-errr the internalizerrr the neurodivergerrr#& now i Know there is 0% chance ppl weren't putting ''always a gay cousin or it's you (avuncular edition)'' in that thing#family tree design not even leaving space for the hypothetical kids of this relative we mostly pretend is nonexistent hmm#also that necessarily. it's giving all intents & purposes Disability abt a dozen ways & it's saying [accept that] vs [we'd better fix him]#you don't cite said [it's giving disability] as part of the We All Hate The Horrible Little Freak scapegoating justification & then be like#''actually we don't have to do that anymore b/c he's sooo normal :)'' or not if you're serious about [don't scapegoat your family] anyways#which like oh ok they Are serious so The Weirdo's scapegoating / casting out / lack of support Isn't justified#so he's still weird & you just gotta get over that b/c otherwise. bye. having a natural rat affinity is such a slay btw#& we've all been there like ''you NEVER want two scapegoats talking it's Over if they do'' + littlest kid is like um. they're the best#plankton voice Correct! inhale i'm so impressed like. getting to go ''finally someone Normal'' (serious abt letting someone Be Weird(tm))#which also always counts as like mm hard time suggesting someone's Not queer & also autistic for a start lmao. an award#adding in suggested layers like talking to oneself; talking Oddly / w difficulty; physical uncoordination; rituals ; acting; animal friend#the layer of ''& all that's fine? like?'' again rather than him ever suppressing or even changing it so far as it's suggested#besides that it's observed as Weird like but so? or else what? nonrhetorical: hostility / rescinded support & driving someone off is what?#& that Truth like the [worse treatment / exclusion / scapegoat] oft recipe for someone giving the support they're not getting themself#again Never let the [ppl both experiencing this] talk oh it's So over. or the child who's all i like family support & kindness actuallyy...#obviously also like the complete opposite of billions. knowing what they're about & letting this Just As Beloved crucial guy be So Weird#but billions Also [hmm feels right for our scapegoated guy to Perceive / Tell Truths / openly want/need & then be hurt] now get his ass#anyway [guy who could always go way on could go way on but only has thirty tags & it's 6am & i still mean to try some drawing] voice#remarkable amt of So True & ''it feels like ppl on the same page w/exactly what they're doing are all behind this''#remarkable amount of concentrated My God That Is So A Slay located in bruno all at once. what a gift#sticking to ''sometimes someone In Your Group is Weird. Disabled. deal'' firmly enough there's no ;) oh u can bet we'll Fix Him in the end#everyone always assumes the worst so....me when i'm [always as a kid yearning for Living In Secret Passages]. emile gtmpota?#oh congrats to whatever rando who will be having his dramatic gay reunion w/bruno just out of frame obviously. i perceive#now imagine if That rando was....emile gtmpota! what a crossover event. haunting4haunting. do i have enough tags for this lmao. yea#& having 1 more tag to say: as though the [endless serving] isn't enough bruno's also as close to gender envy as it gets. incl rats; sure
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I don't know... horrible things happen all around the world and it's not a competition
Atrocities are committed against multiple groups in multiple parts of the world at the exact same moment, and none of them erase each other. They all matter, all the people in this world who are being brutalized matter. There shouldn't be any line you draw where one group doesn't actually matter as much as another
You're welcome to prioritize your energy towards helping one group or another, but what's not ok is invalidating or dismissing people who are actively being harmed
Same goes for trying to figure out which social group has things worst (and lets be honest, always using a US lens)
Like... maybe the important thing is to prop each other up and help everyone get on their own feet rather than trying to... pick fights about if physical disabilities or mental illness are less respected (I'm trying to pick a more absurd example but sadly I've seen exactly that argument happen before). Maybe it doesn't really matter and what matters is helping who we can when we can
I'm tired of it, I'm just fucking tired of it. Support people, champion them when the world is just brutalizing them, but you don't need to throw a single other person under the bus to do that
Which seems to be an absolutely impossible lesson for people to learn
#I won't say anything else on this; but I will say that to me one of the groups that it feels like is most forgotten is Syrians#including by me if I'm honest#I don't know what's currently happening in Syria... but... my understanding is it still hasn't really gotten better#assad is still brutalizing people last I had heard#so rather than saying anything else I'd prefer to simply focus on some people it feels like were forgotten back during Obama#and... and have remained forgotten#and I'm sorry I can't do more to help with the suffering in the world#but... you notice what I'm not having to do here?#I'm not having to throw a single other person under the bus#I'm able to just focus on how much I wish for Syrians to be ok (which is a hollow gesture on my part in many ways I think)#and I can keep all the focus on Syrians rather than throwing anyone else under the bus or doing any whataboutism#and that's literally all I'm asking of you fucking people#don't downplay human misery to try and make your thing seem more important#they're both fucking important... they're all important#there's so much suffering I can't even keep up with it#there's so much of it that I can only name without knowing the details; Congo; I believe Sudan is still suffering; Haiti#I don't know how things are in Ethiopia right now... I can't keep track#and none of these situations and the horrible things they're dealing with; things I haven't even been able to follow#none of it detracts from and of the issues I am following more closely#I don't need to compare them and say 'well it's not as bad'; because... bad is bad and any is too much#and nothing I say here will do a damn thing; no one'll hear and even if they did they'd ignore it or get pissed#that's what my evidence shows me about how people behave#but suffering isn't a competition; the correct amount is zero#and... perhaps I'd have more tolerance if I hadn't watched how you behave with stuff#...the worst part is the person I adore who... man... I wish I could just get them to really think through their words#they mean well; they're coming from a place of love; but I just haven't been able to paint the picture for them of the harm#and I'm flawed; I don't have all the answers; I could be wrong here#but... can you at least see why I feel that maybe we shouldn't pit misery against each other#that the people suffering have more in common with each other than opposed and... maybe westerners aren't fucking helping#eh... too fucking drained thinking about this; end of tags
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just in case anyone thought i was exaggerating about how stupid my coworkers think i am today one of them told me i could write "turbid which is like the scientific word for cloudy" on a urinalysis sticker. i have a college degree in a science
#god and the worst part is i think theyre partially correct#like i'm not As dumb as they think i am but i am definitely stupider than i used to be and it is driving me completely insane#i genuinely don't know if its the depression or chronic weed use or like i'm just suddenly brain damaged in the last 6 months or so#but it's really really bad. i think it has gotten a little better since starting my current antidepressant but my short term memory is like#unbelievably bad. it was never good but i literally cannot remember anything now. i have to stop thinking about this or i will start crying#my intelligence has always been like one of the things i have a weird complex about due to not getting an education until high school#and being barely socialized etc and it was more or less all i had going for me#and now it's like. ok i got nothing lmao#i don't even think it's covid brain damage because i felt this way before i got covid#although it definitely got worse after getting the job but i think thats a combination of not knowing what i'm doing + being treated like#garbage + sleep deprivation#my therapist who i haven't seen in months because he was stressing me out thought i was smart as hell for some reason. which was flattering#but like i said he was stressing me out. he had too good of a read on me and i can't get over my trust issues with men#“you should go to therapy about that” you might say and you would be right but. well#me
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#lately i've been going to twitter to get some lunter action bc most fanartists are there#and god it's just so annoying that over there they're stuck in a 5 day cycle of the same discourse over and over again#is it okay to ship this or is this a dirty nasty morally questionable proship? uwu#then the realization is 'yes lunter actually isn't a disgusting perverted proship which makes it okay to exists even if i HATE it'#and then two days later someone is like um akshually it's disgusting because incest and here we fucking go again#god. we need to extirp anyone under 16 years old from the internet. you have not developed enough brain matter to be on social media#(now if you're an adult unironically arguing in that discourse you either have a lot of free time or i just need to block you)#but man. like i wanna say to those lunter defenders..... can't you see what's wrong?#can't you see that the moment you've chosen to accept the premise of there being 'good' and 'reproachable' ships you've already lost?#that someone will always be able to pick a 'problematic' aspect in any ship ever?#that entertaining that idea from the beginning is the absolute worst thing you could do?#like i prefer when people call lunter boring. okay yeah i do Not see what you're seeing but also#thank fucking GOD we're bringing up actually relevant stuff here#like part of me is so fascinated about this. how murder seems to be the only thing that's accepted in media as a narrative tool#(and at some extent even that is too much)#but this yet again goes back to..... well what the fuck do you interact with fiction and media in the first place#when you're COMPLETELY unwilling to acknowledge any of these things as FICTION (not real) in the first place?#where your favorite character is the most morally correct and your favorite ship is the 'healthiest'?#i just wish we were able to talk about who the characters are and what their dynamic means in the show you know#instead of recycling the same reasons why it's morally 'okay' to be interested in them over and over and over and over and over and over and
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Again, always very confusing to me when people suffering from The Obsessive Compulsives are Antis™, like these people will not protect you. They believe thought crimes are real. They inherently hate you and WILL throw you to the wolves if they ever come to know about anything related to your intrusive thoughts or the """""weird""""" things they ask you to do in therapy to manage/cope with them.
#you know how in erp a big part of it is writing down/thinking about the actual worst case scenario? you know the scenario that#often leads to people being harmed in a permanent way? you know creating a fictional scenario where bad things happen to good#people and you are the cause of them? THE VERY KIND OF FICTION THESE PEOPLE ARE AGAINST EXISTING IN ANY FORM BECAUSE IT#'NORMALIZES' WHATEVER TF THEY'RE ON A CRUSADE ABOUT ON ANY GIVEN DAY#THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. THIS WAY OF THINKING IS /ACTIVELY ANTITHETICAL/ TO RECOVERY FROM THIS DISORDER#this is related to the 'does anyone else get Themes™ about writing' question I posed a while back and some of these people..........#if you knew the specifics of what I was writing about you would COMMIT ARSON#IT'S NOT REAL! NONE OF THIS IS REAL!! YOU ARE ONLY GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE FOR YOURSELF BY MORALIZING FICTION IN THIS WAY#I USED TO HAVE CRISES OVER SYMPATHIZING WITH AND ENJOYING VARIOUS HORRIBLE FICTIONAL WOMEN TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS DIRECTLY!!!!!!!#and ngl a lot of these arguments about why xyz is Irredeemable™ sound a LOT like my disorder.#(especially in the way they try to like...twist things into fitting into a definition of [insert type of problematic dynamic here] a la#'character raising their voice at someone one time during a high-stakes situation is abuse' or 'people who were friends as children#are Related Actually')#like. you get why. you get why this VERY disorder would think in similar ways to that right. because it tries to convince you that#everything you do is violating various human rights correct? you get why this would be unhelpful right?#IF YOU SOUND LIKE MY FUCKING DISORDER!!! YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!#In the Vents#okay I'm done. this just. It BUGS me.
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thumbs up for kyle, mmmaybe?
Send 👍 for a random headcanon I have about our muses
Love is... an awful, nasty thing. A 'chemical imbalance' forced upon the hearts & minds of sentient beings in order to force them to procreate, continue their species, cast the flame of existence into the farthest ends of the cosmic naught, on, and on, and on.
Love, one of the fundamental lights by which life as a whole was spawned, was once, is now, and shall forever be, threaded into Kyle Rayner, just as it was, is, and forever will be threaded through Her... and yet, when She gazes unto him, She knows that he does not Love Her. And knowing that wounds her every waking moment.
Kyle is a dutiful man, one with a job that transcends the boundaries of a single connection. Without him, the universe falls into disarray faster than it constantly seems to. Without him, her playground falls apart. She should thank him for doing his job; for allowing her to suffer under the weight of her own bad decisions as she currently does, but she can't.
She can not find peace whenever he is around. Her heart aches for him, her mind races at the thought of him, she is overwhelmed with an urge to bite into his core and crawl her way to his heart from the wound whenever she sees him, BUT SHE CAN'T!
Because those feelings are not her own. That LOVE is not her own, and she believes that Kyle knows it. He can see the disparity between The Predator & The Parasite, he knows where the lines are drawn, and where the barriers are crumbling, and rather than assuage the decay, and return the universe to its proper balance, he abstains.
He exacerbates the crossover between host & entity, he holds himself just so outside of her reach, he drives her fucking MAD with his presence! All while refusing to succumb to her wishes. The belief is that if he can force her to fall apart - Force Predator to escalate until theres no choice but to leave her, then she'll be able to return to her life. This 'cosmic game' will spit her out, only a touch worse for wear, without Love tearing her apart, again.
He 'tortures' her out of kindness. Her 'pain' is motivated by a goodness within him, one that is clearly for the betterment of existence!
The problem, of course, is that love is not clear in any of its facets or forms... and has driven once rational, well-intentioned and genial people into the pathways of some of the worst this universe has to offer.
#knightlier#subtitle translation: why don't you love me anymore? / that's life.#there's a flight facilities song. Crave You#'Why can't you want me like the other boys do? They stare at me while I crave you'#which tracks in my house & home as shorty NEEDING this connection to be reciprocal and not getting it#and its actively pulling the worst parts of Love out of her. People try to course correct. It gets worse. Soon we're at another Crisis#i had a not-so-serious one about ana introducing kyle to her twitch stream for mario kart 8 in space#but i pivoted!
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there's no insult funnier or more cutting than someone's sincere observation about you
#bolo speaks#last month my medieval literature professor saw me perk up in class and before I even opened my mouth she said that#''of course YOU think everything's gay'' and the worst part is she was completely justified in thinking that and entirely correct#I *was* about to talk about queer readings of arthurian lit. as I always do. she read me for filth and I'm gonna think about it until I die
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As much as I roast Beyond Birthday for his lack of subtlety I also kin him for it. Because in art school we were sometimes required to incorporate deep symbolism into our art pieces, and I was always doing things like drawing a dude holding a compass and wearing goggles to represent that he's feeling directionless about his worldview
#seriously art school was such both a good learning experience and also an embarrassing bummer all at once hahaha#i think the worst part about it is i started feeling like i couldnt have a sense of playfulness or humour in what i made?#not necessarily because anyone told me that but i just somehow internalized it and it sucked all the joy out of making stuff#i had to relearn a lot about why i used to love doing it in the first place and all that jazz people always say about art school#but anyway i just cant not be literal and hamfisted so i really shouldn't make fun of B#for being like#hmmm clocks!! eyeballs!! the number 13#it's really not as easy as it looks to be subtle and artful about such things#i think part of the problem was i went to school basically for making fine art to hang in galleries#when all i really ever loved art for was all the comics and movies and games and cartoons i took in#i didnt live somewhere where i could often go to museums or galleries so i lived through books and screens alone for art basically#and i really started believing all the stuff i loved wasnt the 'correct' kind of art that i should be focusing on anymore because of school#i definitely recommend considering your influences when it comes to the kind of schooling you do#like pick something where you'll be studying the artists and art you genuinely were inspired by because#so much of art school was studying fine art and artists that legitimately did nothing for me#not because they werent worth studying but just because they werent my personal taste#beyond birthday#p
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had an insane moment tonight where i just got repeatedly shamed by friends multiple times within minutes but it's ok now bc i don't have to see these people until next semester :) the minute you repeatedly make me feel bad within a matter of minutes and after i realize every time i hang out with you i feel bad you get put into the realm of "our friendship has a timer" ^___^ no more of this lol
#it was not like directly aimed at me but every single thing. applied to me :') and you kept going not to rag on comics majors BUT#for the next five minutes. in the worst way possible. and then kept saying how sex bad how heavy content bad. and frankly i am over it!#i was surprised by the friend who mainly did this but the other one has. done this so many times. and im just kind of sick of it.#im sick of feeling bad every time i see you. every single time.#i just think some people must remember. nothing wrong with discomfort. but your discomfort is not the be all end all correct moral opinion.#just doesnt work that way. at all.#vent.txt#also as someone who has an identity extremely important to them that at the end. is so directly tied to sex and pleasure and eroticism#for me personally at least. well. i hate to be in an environment where even the mere concept of sex is constantly shamed.#it makes me feel bad. and ashamed. and gross. and dirty. and like a fucking creep pervert. in all the worst ways#and it really is. genuinely. painful. it is painful to me.#because i am being told i am just wrong for having feelings that i do. and that im gross. and it has taken me a really long time to be ok#with this part of myself. and i still struggle with it constantly despite my ability to be more secure in myself#but i am constantly trying to remind myself. im not gross or disgusting for having wants and desires and needs. and that it's ok#and im not going to let that be taken away from me by people meant to be my friends.#granted yes i could do more to advocate for myself when this happens. but i know it would be a losing battle. so i just dont.#whatever! whatever! im done and im shutting up now!
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if anyone needs me i Will be dying of embarassment
#oak talks#walked into the correct classroom for my final. somehow got the wrong time. didn't clock that i didn't recognize anyone else in the class#until the professor was like ''hey what's your name. i have never seen you before.''#worst part the professor for the class that i accidentally walked into is the husband of my actual professor for the class
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There is something extremely funny about Gaiman very transparently changing his take on the characters and the course of the story directly in response to the fan reaction online, and Mofftiss being like, "What fans think? Backlash? Don't know her, as long as you're thinking about us (even if you hate us) then you still care :) <3"
#turning off reblogs because there's no way I feel like doing mofftiss discourse#the funniest part about Moffat being like 'indifference is the worst but people hating you means they still care'#is how he was absolutely correct#no one cares about these men and their work more than their haters lmfao#the meltdowns online they've inspired#the awful video 'essays'#they truly broke people's brains
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