#THE NEW EPISODES RUINED MY LIFE

[festering-bacteria]

Confucius in my regular style + some other doodles

ALSO THE NEW EPISODES BROUGHT ME SO MUCH ANGUISH OH MY GODDD

[meow972]

:3c

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Truth and revenge is best served cold.

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[endlessnightarts]

ah, i see

Lestat isn't going to wake up due to some garage band music he's into

it's gonna be him chewing through the concrete to set the record straight that he would never fuck Armand and that little freak is lying

[psymachine]

which two members of the gang are running this scam selling this product next season?

[vegaseatsass]

Be My Favorite is rewiring my entire brain istg... just unraveling those brain wrinkles and resculpting them in exciting new shapes and patterns

[eggmeralda]

I need a massive sudden hyperfixation shock to happen again

[chaoticfandomthot]

Sometimes a show is so heartwrenching amd good that i need to finish it in one sitting

And sometimes a show is so heartrenching and good that if i watch it for too long at once i simply explode because it hurts too bad

[deathsmallcaps]

I’m going to rewatch the original Charmed, but after should I watch

[diegoshargrieves]

listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"

like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.

[lorephobic]

i didnt get my dl ethubs thesis out in time for 3ls4 which is so sad but ive been so busy this week and i still dont even know how id want to organize my thoughts on the matter. but in the most deranged chronically online way possible, not writing up that post makes me feel like im going into the next season without closure from the last which i know is SO DUMB!!!! and yet

[books-are-my-life-stuff]

My plan today was doing some Gauntlet before the new episode, but I was feeling so restless and anxious that I couldn't concentrate on Gauntlet at all, and ended up only getting another 2 win streaks in one hour and half. I had trouble against Entei of all stages.

Then the new mp100 episode happened, and now I'm too sad to even properly teambuild or try to conserve my good supports.

[invisiblerambler]

I want to just ramble about this so I'm not tagging it under the bear, but that is what this is going to be about.

The way this show defines and redefines and rips open ambition makes my heart hurt.

Yes this show is about a million and one things, but the portrayal of ambition is so singular.

I love the way that Carmy is past the point of even knowing why he wants what he wants, but he still wants it but almost every day he thinks about giving it up and doing anything else.

the innate pressure of being very good at the thing you want to make your career and not knowing how to handle that pressure. I could and have cried about it.

I think it's easy to write off the idea that there were high expectations for Carmy because he talked about not being good in school whatever, but to me he reads like someone that the second he showed talent in anything people we like wow this is the thing he's a genius.

He feels like a character that is incredibly intelligent that was not set up to succeed in the traditional school system, so anything else he showed interest in everyone jumped on.

There's a weird paradox of being the freaky genius child who no one can figure out why they're failing in school, not that I'm speaking from any level of experience.

I can't even fully explain the way that between Syd and Carmy the manifestations of my ambition feel so fully realized on this show.

I don't think either Carmy or Syd were given room to be anything except exceptional in their own ways. That is so much to put on a child, and their opposite reactions to that stress is amusing if it wasn't so sad.

It feels so overdone to talk about the pressure that puts on a kid, but this show feels like what happens when those kids don't burn out in adulthood. The thing they wanted continues to fuel them sometimes to their own detriment.

I have the most complicated relationship with ambition. Some days I want my dreams to come true so badly it already feels fully formed in front of me and other days I feel resentment for my own ambition so deep inside me I feel sick.

I came from a place where you weren't taught to want big things. I was encouraged just as much I was discouraged, and so much of the hopes and dreams of every adult around me rested on my tiny shoulders.

I felt it nearly every second of every day and I am still climbing out from that hole, trying to decide what I want and if I want it and negotiating with myself and losing nearly every second of every single day.

My dreams expanded when my world expanded, the possibilities grew as I realized that those who had encouraged me were right, their faith wasn't misplaced and I had something. Something I had to nurture, since letting it die felt like squandering something from the divine.

I'm still constantly uncomfortable with that gift. I fight screaming in my head as I attempt to nurture and squash out my gifts at the exact same time.

My intuition tells me that the discomfort I feel is because of the unknown. I am embarking on a path never set before. My trauma screams that this was all a waste, I dreamed too big, I set myself up for failure and the only way to remedy that is to return to my hometown in shame. A place I have no current ties to, but returning back to where I came from, in the year I have been away, feels like it would heal me, fix me, complete me.

Deep down I know it would actually just obscure the things I don't want to deal with. My trauma may have followed me across the country, but the perspective and clarity I have here is something that I have never possessed before.

There's a nakedness to being in a place where no one knows where you came from. You are an entirely new person here, and yet all of my trauma and shame and what feels like an inability to cope are louder here.

There is no geographical cure. I know moving back to the Midwest to self-sabotage over allowing for possible failure isn't a solution, it's a band-aid. Yet I want to welcome back the familiarity, I want to stand on the shores of a lake instead of an ocean, drive on two-lane highways instead of freeways.

I miss all the things I took for granted, I am happier here now, but the part of me I resented. The parts of me shaped by growing up there feel so present. I wonder sometimes if it's anything like withdrawal. I never understood homesickness growing up because I always resented the place I was supposed to call home, it was a slow poison. Now it feels like I would give anything for that poison.

Chappell Roan said once that she wrote The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess for all the people who knew they had to leave, but never wanted anything more than to be loved by the place they came from.

I haven't stopped thinking about it since I heard her say that because I had spent my whole life convinced I hated where I came from. That hating it was the only way I could ever live. Now I realize all I ever wanted was to be loved as much I loved it.

[aspecbuddie]

fandom isn't bringing me any joy at the moment this is concerning

[televinita]

Murray Gold music certified Iconic.

[synthient]

2nd watch, a few new details:

On the first watch, I was like "of course Owen couldn't go with Maddy the first time, her mom had cancer :(". But this time I caught that Maddy went missing "a few weeks" after Owen's mom died. Owen had nothing left to stay for. Maddy probably waited around for those extra weeks, just in case Owen had a change of heart. And yet,

The first time we see the dress flashback, it's through what seems like a relatively objective perspective. The second time we see it (as they walk to the grave), the memory has taken on the vhs-fuzz and aspect ratio of the pink opaque tapes. The real becomes unreal, an impossible fantasy, "kid stuff"

Happened to see a captioned screening this time, and the Tara from the streaming version is described as "Fake Tara."

The tv guide page Owen finds by the electrical field is for "season 6, episode 1: Escape from the Midnight Realm"

Mr. Melancholy and Maddy's ex friend who accused them of dykery ("like a secret agent sent to ruin my life") were the same actor

All the school hallway motivational posters are thematically relevant, but this time I caught the "the only easy day is yesterday" and "courage: without it, no other virtues matter" ones

You can see the emotional shifts between Owen and Narrator Owen in real time (ie, Owen looking distraught as the firefighters surround Maddy's tv, then dropping the expression and looking coolly into the camera as she starts to narrate again)

There's an interesting recurring thing where audio from the near "future" plays over footage from the "past." ie, we hear Maddy's planetarium monologue, while we watch Owen still walking to the school to meet them. Something about time not working right, something about Owen playing back memories that already happened, something about inevitability and walking down a path with a fixed ending

Void High School, or VHS