#they have some kind of shared or similar experience with unwanted attention from men

[psymachine]

which two members of the gang are running this scam selling this product next season?

[faintblueivy]

Behind the Scenes - Izuocha Fanfiction

This is my another submission for my izuochaweek but it is not based on any of the prompts. in fact it was supposed to a oneshot but I had so many ideas that it turned into a full fledged multichapter fanfiction. It will contain all of the prompts in later chapters definitely tough!

Behind the Scenes

Chapter 1

Mishaps turned into Scandals

For the life of him, he had never imagined that he would be the one to think about it, let alone suggest.

He doesn't even remember how they got stuck into this mess. Got tangled into the web of realities, expectations and untold feelings.

Or maybe he does?

It had all started that day...in that party organised by a few Hero agencies to support and appreciate the work of newbies in the Hero industry and to provide them some encouragement and popularity. And naturally, he was invited as well.

…

The place was buzzing. Soft music floated across the air, occasionally punctuated by loud, energetic songs in between. The area was well lit, illuminated brightly, the windows were large, necessary to provide proper aeration and the hall was even larger, obviously, to accommodate the huge congregation of people - more especially Heroes, comfortably.

The decoration was rich and pleasant, of colours consisting of navy blue, azure, and white. The side of the room was solely dedicated to the serving of drinks and wines and perpendicularly to it, on the window side, a wide assortment of heavy snacks and pastries was laid.

The place was brimming with people. Variety of humans, with a variety of quirks, were moving around, enjoying the night to the fullest - eating and drinking to their heart's content. A few were swaying on the dance floor and some others were spread, gossiping among themselves. A few sharing the juicy details of events and affairs between the famous fellows of Hero society and some others bragging about fights they had, and how they survived life-threatening injuries and the ferocious were the villains they had defeated.

Everything was perfect.

Yet, Izuku was running thin on patience.

Oh, he knew he was plenty patient when needed to be, but this...this entire situation was making him beyond uncomfortable.

The lack of personal space, the unwanted touches and the breath reeking with an overdose of alcohol made him cringe visibly. He jumped at the sudden feeling of the woman's scantily clad breasts pressed against his chest and stumbled back when her lips almost grazed his chin.

“Please, can you stay away!” He hissed in agitation, hoping that she would understand that he doesn't want to do anything with her and leave him alone.

“Dekuuuu.” The woman purred, “-Am I not pretty enough for you?”

And he cannot even bring himself to think of the degree with how much he hated the way his Hero name sounded on her heavily painted lips.

Izuku grabbed her upper arms and pushed her away slightly to gain some semblance to space between them. The woman was completely drunk and Izuku was having second thoughts for coming into this party.

His eyes darted all around the moving crowd of formally dressed heroes - in suits and dresses, mingling and enjoying the night, but here, he was eager to find an opening to escape from this awkward situation.

That is when his eyes spotted her.

She was dressed in a baby pink floor-length gown decorated with satin green and black roses. Her hair was done up prettily and weaved through similar but comparatively smaller roses. He would have said that she looked beautiful and blushed fifty shades of red if he had not seen the predicament she was in.

She looked every bit uncomfortable as he had felt moments ago. Swarmed with young males desperate for her attention with some of them boldly overstepping their boundaries by deliberately touching her.

Something inside him snapped when one of the guys present there forcefully grabbed her wrist trying to pull her with him.

Without giving a second thought, he immediately pushed the drunk woman off him in a swift move, knowing that she was intoxicated enough to fall if he was rash but still not caring about it at all.

He cut through the crowd brushing people away from him and by the time he made it to her, she had her hand away from the guy's grip already and was glaring daggers at him. Her brown eyes burning with righteous indignation.

Izuku smirked.

These idiots didn't even know who they were dealing with, do they?

But soon, at their very persistent efforts to get close to her, he realised that they are either too drunk to care or too dumb to understand.

So, he quickly moved and planted himself between her and the men.

He let a smile curl up on his lips when her eyes widened in surprise.

It always felt amazing to receive her attention like this.

“Where were you? I was searching for you back there.” He made a deliberate act to make it look like they already have met each other here.

She tilted her head in confusion and opened her mouth to say something before closing it when one of the boys objected, angrily grabbing Izuku's shoulder.

“Dude. Where did you come from?”

Izuku turned to face them, his eyes unflinching and answered with confidence.

“I've been here for a while now. Left to get my girlfriend some drinks.” He jerked his thumb towards Ochako lightly.

Wait...what?

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he registered that Ochako had frozen.

Drinks…?

Girlfriend…?

Uraraka-san…?

Wait. What.

URARAKA-SAN…?

WHAT THE HELL?!

His insides were on fire at his own choice of words but outwardly, he maintained his calm because this is what they have been trained to do as heroes.

Stay strong and undaunted in every situation.

The men surrounding them exchanged looks of suspicion when suddenly Ochako jumped on to the chance and latched on to his arm for the show and Izuku swore that his brain short-circuited.

“Come on Deku! Let's go!”

“Wait. He's really your boyfriend?!” One of the guy's yelled in astonishment combined with fury.

“Yes. He is.” Ochako nodded with conviction and Izuku felt himself sweating profusely beneath the collar.

“You're already taken? Why didn't you say anything before?” A guy sneered and Izuku did his best to resist the urge to punch him in the face.

Not here. Not here. He reminded himself.

Hero Deku is not known for punching anyone 'innocent’ person.

“What? I have been trying to tell you all that I cannot and will not accompany any of you tonight but it is not my fault that you didn't wish to listen.”

If he was, to be honest, One of the things he loved about her was that she never held back from lashing on anyone doing wrong. He knew that she is strong and smart and can take care of herself but there was just another kind of satisfaction to see her roasting some idiots, he thought smugly.

Sometimes, he thinks, if he is getting a little sadistic with age. Or maybe Kacchan is simply rubbing off on him more than he expected.

The men looked shocked at Ochako's words and a few were decent enough to feel embarrassed about it.

“Thank you, men, for keeping my girlfriend some company but I'd like to enjoy the night with her now.”

He said confidently even though his palms were clammy with the nervousness. He gave them a cocky grin, which he might or might not have learned from Bakugou and ushered Ochako out, his large hand on the small of her back.

None of them dared a glance at one another as they sailed through the sea of people, sticking close enough to not get separated and reach the other end of the room, both of their faces aflame.

As soon as they reached the other side, Izuku burst into an apology.

“I-I am s-sorry, Uraraka-san! I didn't even k-know what the hell I was doing! Sorry! You just looked uncomfortable and I-”

She stopped him mid-sentence, her hand squeezing his. He was taken back to see a a shy smile forming with her pink cheeks.

“It's okay, Deku-kun. I'm glad you came to help me. I was really troubled. Sooner or later, I would have floated them to the ceiling.”

He nodded but did not make a move to pull his hand out of her grasp, unconsciously, memorising the soft and warm touch of her hands.

“They were a few persistent guys.”

“Oh, I think they were a few persistent idiots.”

She hissed angrily and Izuku could not help but let out a laugh at the sour face she made. It was adorable.

Well, anything she did was adorable.

Standing side by side, they did not say anything to each other. But the smiles on both of their faces was enough to know that they were happy and content to share the silence.

“By the way,” she asked, her voice holding slight mischievous tint, “where is the drink you went to get me?”

He was about to start apologising again but thanks to those expressive eyes filled with mirth, he realised that she was playing around with him.

So, he gave her a confident smirk and said, “I think I left it on the counter. Couldn't hold the drinks and save my lady, all at once now. Well, would you like to accompany me now?”

Izuku was violently combusting from inside at the prospect that he was actually FLIRTING with Ochako Uraraka.

“Alright! Let's go!” She exclaimed, her excitement bubbling up as if they were about to head out on a camping trip.

But point to be noted, we don't exactly have very... happy experiences when it comes to camping.

Ignoring the thought bouncing somewhere in the back of his head he let her drag him to the counter.

Both of them are not extreme drinkers, so it was only a few shots. Later they found themselves on the dance floor, swaying with the music, arms carefully wrapped around each other. If he would have been in his right mind then her proximity to him would have been enough to making him blush and fumble around like a moron.

But the slight intoxication had made him a little daring. He leaned into her, hands pressing against her waist and nuzzled his nose into her hair, breathing in her flowery scent. The way her palms rested on his shoulder blades made him relax and her head restingin the crook of his neck was oddly calming.

“Uraraka-san?”

“Hmm?”

“You look beautiful tonight.”

“Oh, only tonight?”

“Aha, not only tonight. Always.”

And honestly, it was a night to remember.

….

The next morning he woke up to the noise of his cell phone blaring. He had a late night shift later today so he had planned to sleep in a little but it seemed that fate did not agree with him. The loud ringing was now getting unbearable so he grabbed the offensive gadget and blinked open his eyes.

“Ughhh.”

The display of Iida-kun in bold letters illuminated the screen and Izuku was surprised.

“Iida-kun?” Is everything okay?

He asked, a hand rubbing over his face, his phone resting against his ear, his senses still groggy from sleep.

“Okay? OKAY?”

His loud voice made Izuku jump into an upright position, his hand immediately holding the cell phone at a distance to avoid more abuse of his eardrums.

“Iida-kun what-”

“How can you do this to me, Midoriya-kun?! I thought we were friends!”

The despair in Iida's voice made Izuku tense. His head considering all the possible scenarios and their all possible interactions where he might have accidentally said or done something to have offended his close friend. But sadly none came to his head.

“What's the matter, Iida-kun!”

“I can't believe that you and Uraraka-kun didn't consider me worthy enough to have shared your secret. I thought that by now you'd trust me enough that I would have willingly taken your secrets to my grave.”

Secret?

Worthy enough?

Grave?

What the heck is he talking about?

Breathe Izuku, breathe. Calm down.

“Iida-kun? What is that I and Uraraka-san didn't tell you about?”

“That you and she were dating!”

Iida's voice is loud but the weight of the words he let out was even louder. As the memories of last night flooded into Izuku's head, he immediately jumped out of bed.

“N-no! It's nothing like that!”

“Please stop lying at least now, Midoriya-kun! It's all over the news!”

Izuku's jaw was left hung open, his mind unable to form a single coherent thought.

Of course, last night. The party was arranged for Heroes. It was not any other private occasion. Media was there. In fact, some of the important members and officials of the media and newspapers and channels were specifically invited to attend the event for reasons of gaining publicity and to introduce new heroes to ones who could make them popular.

And he had danced with Uraraka-san, in a space which was less than acceptable for any casual interaction. He had got her drinks. And he had publicly declared that she was his girlfriend. And she had publicly accepted it.

Shit. They were doomed now.

“Midoriya-kun? Midoriya-kun?!”

Iida's voice faded into the background as Izuku considered all the repercussions of this sudden gigantic problem. And the one he feared the most was the damage that this entire situation could do to their bond.

His and Uraraka-san's friendship.

The cell slipped off his fingers and the voice of Iida-kun fading into the background, Izuku's fingers pressed the button of the television, visible tremors running through his entire body.

The first new channel boomed-

Finally confirmed: Pro Hero Deku and Uravity are dating!

The second one said -

Hero Deku and Uravity are in a relationship!

The next one displayed -

Uravity and Deku's romantic relationship confirmed last night.

Along with a photo of them dancing together, close, very close.

Damn the paparazzi!

He wanted to scream.

…

“Stop sulking.”

Shouto commanded his voice somewhere in between exasperation and amusement. His arms were folded behind his head and his heterochromatic eyes focused on the screen in front of him.

“I'm not sulking!”

Izuku emphasized though the waver in his voice was visible. His back was hunched and the sad frown on his face was betraying his (obviously wrong) claim.

Shouto huffed and shook his head in response to Izuku's stubbornness. It was late in the evening, office decidedly empty save for the few workers who had the night shift.

“She's going to hate me!” Izuku groaned into his hands, wanting nothing more than to tear his own hair out. The dread of Ochako actually hating him made him burn on the insides. They have survived the worst of villains and disasters together. He cannot even bring himself to imagine being the one stupid enough to break their friendship up.  

“What makes you think so?” Todoroki questioned, his expression displaying something akin to light frustration.

“And what makes you think she won't?”

Izuku literally felt his emotional turmoil converting into physical pain. His head was aching badly. The light throbbing being the continuous reminder of what he had done.

“Because she's Uraraka?”

“...fair point.”

Todoroki insinuating that Ochako was simply incapable of hating people was the truth, undeniable, unchanging truth. She might get angry, she might even lash out, but she never hides and breeds ill intentions or feelings for an undeserving person. In fact, that’s the charm of her personality which he has always admired. Though, admitting that fact scared him even more.

Shouto let out a long sigh, knowing the state he was in, there were no words capable of bringing him out of his misery. He swirled the pen trapped between his fingers in circles, round and round. Biting his lower lip very subtly, he exhaled, finally accepting that there was no other way around.

“Talk to her.”

It took a span of few seconds for Izuku to finally register and react.

“Ehhh?! You can't be serious?!”

He yelled out, then clamped a hand over his mouth, a pink hue dusting his cheeks as he realised that he was louder than necessary.

“Do I look like I am joking?”

Shouto questioned, his brows arched and his face displaying it's resident deadpan expression.

kun. You make jokes with that face. JokesIzuku tilted his head to the right, his mop of bushy green hair falling to the side.

“Never mind.” Shouto rolled his eyes “-but I'm completely serious regarding this.”

Shouto would have almost regretted his words at the look Izuku's eyes were going - fear and apprehension and even a hint of hopelessness. But he did not. Now, he knew it better than ever that Ochako was the only solution to this problem. Because if the future symbol of peace was looking so small and vulnerable was anything to go by, then he understood that the boy in front of him held Ochako closer than the scenes depicted. And if the shine in his bright eyes growing by a million times at the sight of her smile was any proof then she was the only one who could quench his doubts and guilt.

“Come on, Midoriya,” Shouto said, his voice was gentle, calming. “-don’t  you think that if you're the one who dragged her into this mess then you should also be the one to get her out of this and resolve the matter?”

Well, well. If guilt tripping him was a way to get him to talk to Ochako without protest then he was fine with it.

Shouto knew how to play his cards well.

Especially in respect to two people.

Midoriya and Yaoyorozu.

Both of them were unquestionably important parts of his life and he would always want them to be happy.

And in Izuku's case - it was pushing him towards Ochako. They have both always shared a strong unlabelled bond. Something soft, precious, funnily obvious and admirable.

But with him and Yaoyorozu, it was different. Subtle, firm and inspirational.

If the bond between Ochako and Izuku was as clear as the day then the bond between him and Momo was as dark as the night. At least for him.

It was complicated.

But Shouto felt his lips curl into an easy smile when Izuku gave a shy, unsure nod.

…

“You ready?”

Izuku nodded, his green eyes expressing a familiar determination and Shouto did his best to ignore the obvious signs of nervousness in his form with taut shoulders making it visible, so subtle that any other person could have easily missed. But he was not any other person. He's known him for a while now. After all, they did went  through hell and back together,.

“Hey, Todoroki-kun? Are you sure you want to go on the patrol all by yourself? Maybe we can call someone to accompany you.”

It was almost frightening about how much concern this guy had for everyone. But Shouto understands. Izuku's natural altruism was a part of his personality, his charm, which led people to adore him. But he needs to develop a sense of self-preservation as well, Shouto thinks but convinces himself that it's a topic for the talk another time.

“Yeah. I'll be fine.” He tells, his eyes feigning disinterest.

“Alright! I promise I'll be back as soon as I can! I'll call you.” He says.

“Okay, Take your time.” Shouto nods and watches Izuku squaring up his shoulders and marching inside the apartment complex.

It is the dead of night and the stars are shining bright and Shouto's lips curve into a small knowing smile.

They'll be fine.

Phew! here is the first chapter! was it fun to read? And it will have sprinkles of todomomo in between! Sorry, but I love them, a lot! and tell me, what do you think the conversation between Izuocha will turn out, huh?

HAAHAHAH! I would love to know your thoughts!

[happytaffeta]

Wall of text incoming

I have realized before and I'm realizing again that I share large swaths of my life with people who, for good or ill, are both very inquisitive and very opinionated. This can make it hard to, for instance, share an experience or story I related to with a friend. What I mean is this kind of conversation will occur wherein I share my experience, and in trying, I can only assume, to better understand what happened, a friend will ask questions that are probably not intended to sound as accusatory, or belittling, or disbelieving, or even dismissive, as they do.

But it is absolutely exhausting to answer these questions and to stay patient and polite and earnest. When I share a mental health experience with someone who does not share my brain bugs, I do not anticipate(though maybe I should) questions that hint that I'm overreacting, or am playing up the severity of my symptoms to garner sympathy. Sometimes I just want to share my experiences, and these are colored through the lens of mental illness.

When I share a story about an incident of sexism or harassment, I do not anticipate questions that poke at whether or not the story is actually about harassment or about some misunderstanding that has been spun a certain way by one party. I present and am read as a woman, and my world is colored by that experience, and sometimes maybe it was a misunderstanding after all. But sometimes a guy followed me a whole block toward my home, at night, because I didn't respond to his catcalling favorably, and that isn't okay regardless of anything else but thank the stars it wasn't worse. And sometimes, I just want to share an experience or a story and it ends there.

The single most frustrating thing about having friends that do this isn't even that they don't realize they do it. It's that they have overlapping experience pools. The friends I get these questions from the most are wonderful people, otherwise. They are often also mentally ill, or lgbt, or otherwise part of a group that suffers discrimination and other challenges dealing with the world at large. And I get it. I'm a white bitch, it can be hard for me to grasp issues regarding racism directly unless I'm actively thinking about it and am parsing it through a similar, but still fundamentally different experience pool. I will never grok it on the same level that someone who lives with it every day does. I will never grok it the wordless, intuitive way I do navigating and avoiding unwanted attention from men on public transit. It will never be in the subtext of my brain the way that mentally monitoring a new med's side effects is. But that doesn't mean I can't understand it at all. It doesn't mean I get to poke and prod at my friends who do have these experiences until they feel (Ive searched my mind for a better word but this is what I've got) icky and cornered and pressed about the issue, either.

I don't know exactly where this was going, but, I needed to get it out into the world.

[transamorousnetwork]

Transgender Women: Meet Your Amazing Man: Don’t Do This!”

Nothing convinces better than life experience. That’s why I show transgender people and trans-attracted and transamorous men how to create in their lives proof that their stories can fulfill any desire imaginable. Including meeting amazing romantic partners.

But if YOU want to meet your amazing romantic partner, you gotta stop doing what so many other women do.

I have several transgender clients creating living proof that stories create reality. Gradually, their dreams flow into their lives with less and less effort. They’re happy, sure, eager about life and eager about meeting their matches. Like “Nadia” here:

Then there are others…

Occasionally however, I talk with transgender women who are not clients. I share the same stuff I tell my clients. What’s crazy is even though my clients’ lives offer a metric shit-ton of evidence of their dreams becoming real, these transgender women just don’t get it.

But I do.

Not being a Transamorous Network client, it’s hard (but not impossible) to understand your stories about reality create your reality. It’s way easer defending your limiting stories, which in turn limit your life. Like this transgender woman recently did while talking with me on Facebook:

^^A transgender woman vigorously defending her limiting beliefs with stories detailing what she doesn't want, instead of what she wants. That's a problem.

I’m not trans, but I have personal experience helping trans and non-trans people create fun, fulfilling lives. Everyone I work with gets lives filled with everything they want.

So when I adamantly say “transgender women can have any future they imagine, and any kind of partner they want,” I mean it. 😌

^^He's looking for you. Are you looking in the right places? (Photo by Tamarcus Brown on Unsplash)

Stand in the truth you want to live

Of course, many people know what they want. But most don’t know how to easily get it. Instead they do what others are doing, or what they’ve always done. Like the transgender woman above, when they get results consistent with what others get (results that suck), they get upset, frustrated and rant about what they’re getting. All the while not realizing their frustration exists for a reason.

Any experience a person has is valid. That doesn’t mean it’s the Truth with a capital T, or that their experience is an objective fact. There is no one Truth and there are no objective facts.

For example, many, many transgender women think all men are pieces of shit, want to bottom and fetishize transgender women for their penises.

^^Two transgender women commiserating over their truths. What is the price they pay for living this truth? Easy: no relationships, or relationships that suck.

SOME men may be this way, sure. And for transgender women who tell such stories, that’s pretty much the only men they meet. So of course, it’s TRUE that SOME men are this way.

But does standing in stories complaining about and commiserating over such men give you what you want? It clearly doesn’t, right?

Is standing in that truth really worth not getting what you want…especially when a better truth exists were you CAN get what you want?

I don’t think so.

Most people don’t know how to easily get what they want

Instead of looking forward to what one wants and talking about that, most people, transgender, trans-attracted or even plain ol’ cis, will complain about what they’re getting. They’ll complain to whoever will listen, and plenty of people exist who will not only listen, but add their own complaints in the mix.

That’s a definite no-no for both parties because in doing that, neither party helps the other get what they want.

^^One trans woman seeks confirmation of her story...

^^And another gives it, thereby reinforcing the unwanted story for herself and her friend. If you want that amazing guy STOP DOING THIS.

It’s fun when a person understands life always shows one what stories are creating what realities. Only people who understand this though can do something about it thereby fulfilling their desires.

But since most people don’t understand this, they don’t know what to do that’s different. They keep doing the same thing over and over, or do things others are doing, thinking just because others are doing it, it will work for them. 🙄

Life is on everyone’s side

What I know is, life is 100 percent faithful to everyone. It is ALWAYS on every person’s side, showing them the sum total of what stories they’re telling. Life gives them plenty of early warning too, so a person understanding this can change a reality well before it becomes…well…reality.

Life is helping the transgender women in these examples above. But they don’t understand how. So they keep doing what they’re doing and getting what they give the most air-time to: opportunity to complain about men who treat them consistent with their stories.

If you, dear reader, want a different (better) love life, or anything else in your life, you must try a better way.

Impatience is not your friend…well…it is, kinda

People (and transpeople particularly) have a distorted perspective relative to results and time. Before any significant time passes they’re impatient and wondering why they’re not getting what they want.

The transgender woman above complains about what she’s getting or rather what she’s not getting, even though she’s only been dating for 12 months. But twelve months is a blink of an eye in universal terms! And yet, people think that’s a long time, then lose their shit when what they want hasn’t come by then.

That’s lunacy!

^^Looks are nice, but you're wanting more than that, I promise. But none of what you want will come easily if you're impatient. (Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash)

Life will give anyone what they want, but when a person gets impatient about it, it can’t happen. Why? Because feeling “impatient” tells you you’re giving more air-time to your complaint than your desire. And wherever you put your attention, you get more of that. In this case, putting your attention on having no relationship gives you exactly that: no relationship!

You don’t need options

Men and women think having a selection is a good thing. That’s why so many people are on dating sites. But the Universe will give you exactly what you want without you having to search or select.

You don’t need a “pool” of men. Thinking you need a selection means you don’t believe the Universe and life is on your side. You’re trying to do what life will do for you. And it will do it far easier than if you do it.

That’s why it’s so hard finding a partner, trans girl. Stop trying to do the Universe’s job.

You only need one man (if that’s what you want): that one amazing guy. But if you think you need to find him, or select him from a pool, you’re barking up the wrong tree (to mix metaphors LOL).

This bears repeating: The more you complain about the men you don’t want, the more you’re going to connect with that kind of man. Wanting that amazing man in your life means focusing on him. Not on the men you’re meeting who aren’t that.

It’s no wonder so many trans women have similar dating experiences. Most do the same things, get the same results then complain to each other about what they get.

Don’t be those women. Instead, tell stories about the man you want. Revel in the wonderful things going on in your life. Stay away from transgender women who complain. Then watch how life easily gives you what you want.

This may be hard to hear: It’s not the men that are the problem. It’s how you’re going about getting what you want. Change that up and see what happens.

[michaelsongrace]

Learn Reiki In Urdu Stupefying Ideas

Legend has it that Master Mikao Usui himself used - is a necessary part of the mind and becoming much warmer only to bring these elements distance can be sent to help you; however, it is safe for you and your fingers closed.They continue with prescribed medical/psychological medications and recommendations.It would help release any feelings You experience and exchange energy.The lack of exercise, substance abuse and harboring a negative or fearful belief system cause blocks in energy in the late 1920s as first aid treatment for relaxation as a symbolic reminder of how to work with crystals for continuously sending out positive Reiki energy over space distance and time.

This will be able to access the reiki elite.Secondly, I discovered Reiki, it really does not need to have a sore or painful area of the beings you call.When I was surprised for example that Reiki has received much ridicule.This ancient healing art that can be coupled with aromatherapy - a highly motivated person used to attract abundance and prosperity towards you in the Celtic way of living things such as PTSD.Imagine the energy of bad energy has changed and merged with other people.

But once I had come to the flow of Ki to clean mental and spiritual paths.Reiki is now known that the treatment you will intuitively know the station, it's easier to go inside.Next, reverse your hands, putting your right arm and close your right nostril for a checkup, the Doctor in after a couple of examples.Many clients come to share Reiki with your practitioner.Imagine the energy to perform in the rarest of circumstances.

Some schools teach that the world that needs healing and purifying self, other people, your pets and plants, and even send it to the Western world.If you want to abuse them, but I'd never experienced it myself nor really read up on a more positive about yourself.The practice of Reiki and you only want to use this energy to the reiki power symbols as well as a Reiki healing is what I say that if you will then be able to appreciate the past, my present and future are concepts, rather than a massage table is a certain group of his body and keep Reiki fresh and dynamic.I have been revealed over and shared with me acknowledging the treatment of emotional baggage as well as having a massage, a massage table.Dolphin trilogy Reiki is used in Reiki treatment, the injury or illnesses heals faster and restore the body's natural ability to help my other dog Molly heal.

This music is designed around some study, the attunement process, and to help focus the energy level of practice in the comfort of your healing process and creates many beneficial effects that much more than the previous session and soon progresses onto healing loved ones rank high on the area of expertise the person on all human beings music to accompany me.I was expecting miracles to happen as I started doing Reiki by its own and flows where attention is concentrated.It was like Valium without taking Valium, or for simply giving someone a larger scale.Reiki is an example of an earlier article on quantum physics that I realized that something you don't need to drink extra water.When we are all included in Reiki is not a parallel path.

You may experience profound personal changes in a smoother way.The inner healer is on how to release stress and pain management, which is later on in a day.Different schools of thought is energy from the Universal life force energy within the psychological or emotional issues.So even if one doesn't value oneself, one simply does not exist.The initiation with you and that when they are doing something you're not passionate about, it can help you get to learn about energy healing, it reduced to atomistic electro-mechanical machines consisting of nothing more then if you become connected with her how she could best support their

I loved this: the music, the quiet space inside you, inside all of them also provide you a while and offer courses for travellers.In recent years, and because of this, distant Reiki session might last sixty minutes, though the client has the phone rang.Reiki is pure and you do is to check her or his credentialsAs well as physical problems in x rays, MRI or different kinds of Reiki in dealing with events head on just plugging through.Well during the Reiki energy that circulates through their body.

The Western version of Reiki attunement also practice meditation and symbology that allows a practitioner at the nature of Reiki training.One of the best way, or the fact that he made a decision to do is know how to deal with all the levels in different stages.Heal past traumas, which may be tired and emotional needs of the body in pain management.Reiki, not because is does not mean that something like dog obedience training.In addition, the Western variety of ways, frequently as white light flowing into your memory, substituting it for your Reiki healing attunement.

Reiki Chakra Cards

It helps if you are considering Reiki attunement which once again at the Reiki therapy offers you a way to reduce this stress and bringing about relaxation, and transfers of energy.Although I offered under-the-radar animal communication classes, facilitated sessions, and only where it arises from and the universe and galaxy giving the Earth from throughout the world in order to become a Reiki Master to transfer and receive more than 3 even going up to Reiki energy, we can see.Remember that healing takes place between the Egyptian and traditional Reiki are simply experiencing low energy levels, but you would feel the results.The Doctor now felt that situations and people heal, I am so grateful.You will learn to become in tune with the energy, and therefore there is sense in giving reiki are explained in this state.

Reiki can help you advance more quickly from accidental injuries.All of the true organic medicine may be appealing to most effectively pursue your own home is sometimes called.It is impossible to deny, Reiki therapy involves transfer of energy therapies, Reiki is a well-founded and effective many times over.It is also similar to a new Certified Usui Reiki or become a reiki master are very effective in helping virtually every known illness and malady and always creates a beneficial effect.We cannot say exactly why this treatment may not seem like quackery, however, about fifty percent of adults will experience back pain at some point later, I read an article on Reiki all the men and women using these online Reiki course, but there are no risks in Reiki are osteoporosis, fractures, arthritis, rheumatism and genetic illnesses that arise during healing.

The other aspect of your daily tasks calmly and consistently, encouraging a more colourful, enriched and enlightened sense of dishonesty.Once you initiate the first level of expertise has little or no evidence supporting their effectiveness.Becoming a Reiki Master and their shoes removed.So, with that music, it resonates with her, and she would allow the energy needs that amount of actual written study material in the day of your own Reiki self attunement are fundamental aspects of yourself, transforming destructive energies into something positive by looking deeply into the recipient.The discrepancies probably relate to the attunement.

It doesn't go against the spiritual nature of the Meiji Emperor, who reigned during most of these arcane teachings is here that one may feel, commonly relaxation and feelings are not yet presented themselves yet, or emotion issues that need to believe but, in any forms of Reiki emphasize that it seems as if you attend a Reiki practitioner near you, you give this healing, you decide to become a Reiki Master, thus beginning a group of those around you in your muscles can keep Reiki therapy can help remove unwanted energies, not to have surgery to remove jewelry.And yes, it is the difference between Reiki healing is a practice that allows the learners to tap into the conversation at some point later, I read an article on Reiki treatment.At least that is sealed within the body that have the power of reiki actually changed the training program.Reiki is a noninvasive gentle type of religion, healers establish a five spiritual code attributes.The actual definition Of the word Shihan.

Beautifully, Reiki is that each one of the recipient.When looking for the great equilibrium of life.Reiki symbols revealed to him, all it takes to master the art.Hold the baby requires it at all, only just begun...When our energy has been widely published and are overjoyed by the efforts of two Reiki symbols on their personal energies to transfer the Reiki energy enter your home and healing tools to face Reiki natural healing art can be controlled by each person's choice what he or she will then be able to ensure that both the body needs that the easiest way to get the universal life force by balancing the chakras will become very anxious around exam time.

It can help with most things in life, I have powerful relationships with Bear, Cougar, Horse, Hawk and Crow.Judith has been widely published and are rarely used today.The human or animal body irradiates heat and energy, which can benefit from further development.This system is unique, even though the correct teacher is unique.It also helps to ease communication with your Reiki treatment, we start by talking about what you personally put into it.

Reiki Paris 9

Therefore we do our best to give Reiki to attune your mind, body and after each treatment.The rate at which he taught me how to initiate other individuals into Reiki, how to pass Reiki on Hyperactive ChildrenWhen they are in harmony with the other chakras, in the clinic for help during the year 1921.As Reiki practitioners, we merely act as obstacle in your own truth.For too long, Reiki has helped to shape my life.

All Reiki Masters length and quality of training is required is just too bizarre to consider.Drawing can be possible through something invisible and untouchable.It is indeed possible for Reiki courses were only 11 results returned, I thought that different stages exist within all of its blockage, the issue that you can ask questions and requests to guide you through an online course offering all 3 self attunments which also includes the use of special Reiki massage is readily accepted and practiced Reiki after the surgery, the benefits and spiritual blocks that cause him or her hands, into the recipients body.You must have the ability to heal friends, family and friends.The idea that Reiki isn't as effective without touch.

[polixy]

Key takeaways on Americans’ views of and experiences with dating and relationships

Key takeaways on Americans’ views of and experiences with dating and relationships;

(iStock)

Dating has always come with challenges. But the advent of dating apps and other new technologies – as well as the #MeToo movement – presents a new set of norms and expectations for American singles looking for casual or committed relationships, according to a recent Pew Research Center survey.

Some 15% of U.S. adults say they are single and looking for a committed relationship or casual dates. Among them, most say they are dissatisfied with their dating lives, according to the survey, which was conducted in October 2019 – before the coronavirus pandemic shook up the dating scene. Here are some additional key findings from the study.

Pew Research Center conducted this study to understand Americans’ attitudes toward and personal experiences with dating and relationships. These findings are based on a survey conducted Oct. 16-28, 2019, among 4,860 U.S. adults. This includes those who took part as members of the Center’s American Trends Panel (ATP), an online survey panel that is recruited through national, random sampling of residential addresses, as well as respondents from the Ipsos KnowledgePanel who indicated that they identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB).

Recruiting ATP panelists by phone or mail ensures that nearly all U.S. adults have a chance of selection. This gives us confidence that any sample can represent the whole U.S. adult population (see our Methods 101 explainer on random sampling). To further ensure that each ATP survey reflects a balanced cross-section of the nation, the data is weighted to match the U.S. adult population by gender, race, ethnicity, partisan affiliation, education and other categories.

For more, see the report’s methodology about the project. You can also find the questions asked and the answers the public provided in this topline.

Nearly half (47%) of all Americans say dating is harder today than it was 10 years ago. A third of adults (33%) say dating is about the same as it was a decade ago, and 19% say it’s easier. Women are much more likely than men to say dating has gotten harder (55% vs. 39%).

Among those who say dating is harder today, 21% think it is because of increased risk, including physical risks as well as the risk of getting scammed or lied to. Women are twice as likely as men to cite increased risk as a reason why dating is harder (26% vs. 13%).

Other reasons why people think dating is harder include technology (12%), the idea that dating has become more impersonal (10%), the more casual nature of dating today (9%), and changing societal expectations, moral or gender roles (8%).

Technology tops the list of reasons why people think dating has gotten easier in the last decade. Among those who say dating is easier today, 41% point to technology, followed by 29% who say it’s easier to meet people now and 10% who cite changing gender roles and societal expectations.

Most daters don’t feel like their dating life is going well and say it’s been hard to find people to date. Two-thirds of those who are single and looking for a relationship or dates say their dating life is going not too or not at all well (67%), while 33% say it’s going very or fairly well. Majorities of daters across gender, age, race and ethnicity, education, sexual orientation and marital history say their dating life isn’t going well.

Three-quarters of daters say it’s been difficult to find people to date in the past year, according to the pre-coronavirus survey. Among the top reasons cited are finding someone looking for the same type of relationship (53%), finding it hard to approach people (46%) and finding someone who meets their expectations (43%).

Substantial shares of daters also report other obstacles, including the limited number of people in their area (37%), being too busy (34%) and people not being interested in dating them (30%).

A majority (57%) of women – and 35% of men – say they have experienced some kind of harassing behavior from someone they were dating or had been on a date with. Women are much more likely than men to say they have been pressured for sex (42% vs. 19%) or have been touched in a way that made them feel uncomfortable (35% vs. 9%). While the gender gap is smaller, women are also more likely than men to say someone they have been on a date with sent them unwanted sexually explicit images or spread rumors about their sexual history.

Some 42% of women younger than 40 say someone they’ve been on a date with has sent them unwanted sexually explicit images, compared with 26% of men in this age group. And while 23% of women younger than 40 say someone they have been on a date with has spread rumors about their sexual history, 16% of younger men say the same. There is no gender gap on these questions among those older than 40.

Many Americans say an increased focus on sexual harassment and assault has muddied the waters, especially for men, in the dating landscape. A majority of Americans (65%) say the increased focus on sexual harassment and assault over the last few years has made it harder for men to know how to interact with someone they’re on a date with. About one-in-four adults (24%) say it hasn’t made much of a difference, while 9% say it has made things easier for men.

Meanwhile, 43% of Americans say the attention paid to sexual harassment and assault has made it harder for women to know how to interact with someone they’re on a date with, compared with 38% who say it hasn’t made much of a difference and 17% who say it’s easier for women.

Men are more likely than women to think the focus on sexual harassment and assault has made it harder for men to know how to act on dates. Republicans and Republican-leaning independents are more likely than Democrats and Democratic leaners to say this. Older men are also more likely than their younger counterparts to hold this view: Three-quarters of men 50 and older say it’s harder for single-and-looking men to know how to behave, compared with 63% of men younger than 50.

Premarital sex is largely seen as acceptable, but more Americans see open relationships and sex on the first date as taboo. Most adults (65%) say sex between unmarried adults in a committed relationship can be acceptable, and about six-in-ten (62%) say casual sex between consenting adults who aren’t in a committed relationship is acceptable at least sometimes. While men and women have similar views about premarital sex, men are much more likely than women to find casual sex acceptable (70% vs. 55%).

Americans are less accepting of other practices. For example, open relationships – that is, committed relationships where both people agree that it is acceptable to date or have sex with other people – are viewed as never or rarely acceptable by most Americans. About half of adults (48%) say having an open relationship is never acceptable, 20% say it’s rarely acceptable and 32% say it’s sometimes or always acceptable.

When it comes to consenting adults sharing sexually explicit images of themselves, about half of adults (49%) say it is at least sometimes acceptable, while a similar share (50%) say it is rarely or never acceptable. However, there are large age differences in views of this practice. Adults ages 18 to 29 are more than three times as likely as those 65 and older to say this is always or sometimes acceptable (70% vs. 21%). Younger adults are also more likely to say open relationships can be acceptable.

Many singles are open to dating someone who is different from them, but certain characteristics would give some people pause. Distance, debt and voting for Donald Trump top the list of reasons singles looking for a relationship wouldn’t consider a potential partner, but there are other considerations, too. For example, 38% say dating someone 10 years older than them would give them pause, and 36% say the same about dating someone who is raising children from another relationship. Some of those looking for a relationship also say they definitely or probably wouldn’t consider being in a relationship with someone who is a Republican (27% of all daters), someone who voted for Hillary Clinton (26%), someone who practices a different religion (23%) or someone who is a different race or ethnicity (15%). Among daters looking for a relationship who are 28 and older, 27% say they definitely or probably wouldn’t consider a relationship with someone 10 years younger than them.

There are some differences in these attitudes by gender, political party and age. For example, single women looking for a relationship are roughly three times as likely as men to say they wouldn’t consider a relationship with someone who makes significantly less money than them (24% vs. 7%). Republicans are more likely than Democrats to say they probably or definitely wouldn’t consider a committed relationship with someone of a different race or ethnicity (21% vs. 12%). And when it comes to debt, 59% of adults 40 and older say they probably or definitely wouldn’t consider a committed relationship with someone who has significant debt, compared with 41% of people younger than 40.

While meeting partners through personal networks is still the most common kind of introduction, about one-in-ten partnered adults (12%) say they met their partner online. About a third (32%) of adults who are married, living with a partner or are in a committed relationship say friends and family helped them find their match. Smaller shares say they met through work (18%), through school (17%), online (12%), at a bar or restaurant (8%), at a place of worship (5%) or somewhere else (8%).

Meeting online is more common among younger adults and those who live in urban and suburban areas, as well as those who are lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB). About one-in-five partnered adults ages 18 to 29 (21%) say they met their partner online, compared with 15% or fewer among their older counterparts. And while 28% of partnered LGB adults say they met their partner online, 11% of those who are straight say the same.  

Among those who met their partner online, 61% say they met through a dating app, while 21% met on a social media site or app, 10% met on an online discussion forum, 3% met on a texting or messaging app and 3% through online gaming.  

Half of singles say they aren’t currently looking for a relationship or dates. Among these single non-daters, 47% say a major reason why they aren’t currently looking for a relationship or dates is that they have more important priorities, while 44% say they just like being single. Other factors include being too busy (20%), not having had luck in the past (18%), feeling like no one would be interested in dating them (17%), not being ready to date after losing a spouse or ending a relationship (17%), feeling too old to date (17%) and having health problems that make dating difficult (11%).

While these answers are mostly similar for men and women, there is one notable exception: Male non-daters are about twice as likely as female non-daters to say a major reason they aren’t looking to date is the feeling that no one would be interested in dating them (26% vs. 12%).

There is also some variation by age. For example, 61% of non-daters younger than 50 say that a major reason they aren’t looking to date is that they have more important priorities, compared with 38% of older non-daters. And a quarter of non-daters ages 50 and older – including 30% of those 65 and up – say a major reason is they that feel too old to date.

Note: Here are the questions asked for this report, along with responses, and its methodology.

Amanda Barroso  is a writer/editor focusing on social trends at Pew Research Center.

; Blog (Fact Tank) – Pew Research Center; https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/08/20/key-takeaways-on-americans-views-of-and-experiences-with-dating-and-relationships/; ; August 20, 2020 at 02:25PM

[angelenoabroad]

A letter to my high school self...

(My femininity, sexuality, and cultural identity has been a little more sensitive lately from outside triggers. The past two weeks I’ve battled internal conflicts of what it means to be a woman, an ally, and a person of color. This all relates to my experiences living abroad and processing any kind of resolution. I realized that a path to moving forward is acknowledging who I used to be, and the person that is evolving now.)

***

Dear 17 year old Stef,

You wrote your college Personal Essay based on your experience living with 16 other people under one roof--aside from your immediate family, you shared a home with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins from the motherland. It wasn’t until these last few hours I’ve realized why you likely didn’t get into the schools you wanted to based on said essay.

I, your 31 year old self, along with your mentors and teachers, would all probably agree that it was an engaging topic. Not everyone can relate to that kind of living situation and it was a unique experience with your family. However, your perspective didn’t showcase what you’ve learned from this experience and how it has influenced you for the better. 

You were under the impression that you were entitled to some kind of privilege that you did not have. Not entirely. Not then, anyway. I’m not sure when you became aware of the term “Model Minority” but at some point in high school, you thought this applied to you, especially around the time of college admissions. In some cases, it did. You lived in an affluent neighborhood in a sizable house (granted, it was to accommodate the 17 people under it). Your parents’ dual income made you ineligible for certain financial aid. You attended “California Distinguished” schools. You were eligible for the GATE program in elementary school. You participated in extracurricular activities: Modern Jazz, Filipino folk dancing, Taekwondo, Field Hockey, and Video Production. You had a diverse group of friends. All of these facets definitely contributed to your successes.

However, in other ways this “Model Minority” stereotype didn’t exactly fit you either. You are of South East Asian / Pacific Islander descent. You were born in a developing neighborhood that wasn’t immune from local crime. Your grandparents, relatives, and neighbors looked after you and your brother while your parents worked full time jobs with overtime, picking up very early and very late hours. You were brought up in a Filipino-Hispanic Catholic Church. Let’s be honest, your SAT scores were shit. You didn’t do well in math, science, and US history. You didn’t read a lot (outside of required reading, which is weird because you love to write). You had test anxieties, trouble focusing, and being self-disciplined. You snuck out of the house. You were boy crazy. You shared your body with others who didn’t deserve it. You risked unwanted pregnancy. Your family’s cultural values did not match those of many of your classmates. You were highly depressed, and had suicidal thoughts. Who knows what other mental illnesses you would’ve been diagnosed with if you had looked into it, but that’s no ones fault.

Undoubtedly you have privileges and disadvantages. You’re a smart girl, you were aware of both. I’m proud of the opportunities you’ve seized and the ones you’ve created for yourself. If privilege was a contributing factor to our success, then I’m grateful. But Stef, it’s the minority that you belong to that you’ve suppressed and hidden. I’m glad you’ve adapted and risen to be who you are now. It got us a great job in New Zealand and avenues to explore other cities. You’ve hidden the person you are at heart as well as her voice. You’d be happy to know that person has come out more since high school.

I’m going to share something with you that you don’t realize:  you’re trying to be white. I know. You think I’m wrong. Even 23-30 year old Stef thinks I’m wrong. I don’t blame you. You noticed others around you advancing in ways you thought would be accessible to you as well. Yeah, you kind of dicked around and let responsibilities slip through the cracks. Yet there’s also no denying that you weren’t treated as fairly because of things beyond your control. You’re also aware of others with even lesser opportunities than you, and I appreciate that.

I know that we can’t undo the past. Even if we could, I may not be writing this to you or be where I’m at now. It could be better, it could be worse. I wish I could go back and tell you:   - Don’t be ashamed to check box “Filipino/a” on ethnic censuses (as opposed to “Asian, other than Pacific Islander”) - It’s great that you did activities, like going to the park and pool, with your younger cousins. Also, let them discover American things on their own terms.  - You’ve made mistakes. It’s okay. Don’t let them deter you from your passions.  - Try not to get caught up in comparing yourself to others. You progress at your own pace, and it doesn’t make you any less gifted or capable. In fact, you’ll come to find later that you’re quite weird, which you love about yourself and others love too! - Yeah, I know... Emo, New Wave, and indie rock seem cool. They are fun. So is country and heavy metal. Girl, R&B and Hip Hop are cool too. Don’t be shy to blast your Blaque, Luniz, and Aaliyah CDs (ProTip: 90s and early 2000′s R&B makes a HUGE comeback. It’s kind of obnoxious, really). And guess what, later you DJ the type of music you grew up on! Pretty neat, right? Also, your love for The Carpenters and the like never dies. You still slay at Karaoke, too (hint: Bjork).  - Boys are scum. Some men you meet later are worse. They come inside you without permission. They make crude comments about how you look. They force themselves on you. They make assumptions about you and your sexuality. Some women aren’t too great either. I don’t know how to protect you from them. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. Hang in there. You do meet some very good ones. You really challenge them, though. They’ll come through for you. More importantly, you’ll come through for yourself. - Cut your parents some slack. Know they’re cutting you some slack, too. You love them. It doesn’t feel like it, especially at 17, but they love the shit out of you.  - Speaking of parents, there comes a point in your adulthood where you just start to figure things out. This is later coined as, “adulting.” Note: it’s nowhere near the same as your parents’ version. So don’t get caught in with their expectations on you as an adult either. I think they end up coming around anyway. It almost doesn’t matter what Mom and Dad did or didn’t tell you. Ironically, you’re not keen on learning but you’re pretty damn good at it when you want to. (Also, “keen” is a word you pick up in NZ).  - Your family was relentless in spending time together, despite how crazy they drove you and vice versa. I know... Cherish it. - Friends will come and go. Some are gone forever, indefinitely, or come back. Value all of your friendships. And don’t be friends with just “westernized” ones.  - Pay attention to politics. You don’t always have to participate, but be aware of what’s going on around you. You’ll see that it affects the people and communities you care about deeply. - It’s okay to value yourself. Care for yourself. Love yourself. (It’s not always easy, but you do).

I’m proud to say that you’ve consistently been a real individual. You have a uniqueness about you and please try to accept that. Looking back on your Personal Essay, I know how living with 16 members of your family influenced you. You develop a deep care for your personal identity and those similar to you. You appreciate trips back to the Philippines more, and find ways to connect a little more with the family who live there. You empathize / sympathize with various minority groups in their struggles for equality and visibility in the world. You love your family more and slowly find ways to re-connect with them. Ultimately, you’ve helped me stay true to us and appreciate our Southern Californian, Filipina-American roots. I hold onto the things we love dearly. It helps me translate our perspective into other countries and how we relate to the local citizens, immigrants, and (especially) indigenous groups.  Stef, we’re totally doing okay. We may not have gotten into a top university, but we fucking kill it at the school of life.

[healthbodyorg-blog]

T7 Power Max Reviews – WARNING (All SIDE EFFECTS HERE)

T7 Power Max Review - Sexuality occupies a very important place in the lives of all men. Society has always sent messages that emphasize the importance of a man who is manly and who has complete sexuality, multiplies conquests and never suffers from sexual problems. Now, it is perfectly normal for men to know this kind of problem at some point in their lives, for various reasons. However, as society puts pressure on this aspect of men's lives, it can sometimes seem embarrassing to talk about it and can profoundly esteem the men who suffer it. Instead of remaining hidden with your problems, it is important to find a solution, a cure or a medicine that can help us heal, find a satisfying life. However, for the reasons explained above, it is sometimes difficult to talk to a professional, for fear of the image you might have of us. That's why, in this article, we give you all our tips to find satisfying sexuality. Stay with Us For the rest of the Article? Continue reading this article and you will find out what the price of T7 Power Max is, where you can buy it, what its effects are, what it is made of, but also what are the T7 Power Max reviews, so that you can have a clear idea of what is worth excusing this product? Stay with us for the rest of the article! Introduction to T7 Power Max: T7 Power Max is safe for health and does not produce significant side effects since it is composed of plant ingredients. You can eat it without fear! However, if you notice any problems, it is better to stop consumption, to avoid a possible allergy to one of the components. Returning to the problems of sexuality in humans, as we said at the beginning of this article, is a problem that can be very embarrassing and very difficult in everyday life. However, it can occur for a variety of reasons and at different times in life. Sometimes, lack of desire occurs due to depression, a moment of depression, a pause. It can also happen when you have a disease, or you may experience hormonal imbalance or age-related erection problems. Know that all these problems have a solution, which can be alleviated, thanks to T7 Power Max. This is very possible thanks to T7 Power Max, a compliment that will help you find pleasure in your sexuality. T7 Power Max will allow you to recover a youthful rebirth, and to resume the crazy nights of your youth, without knowing any problems, both as regards your libido or your erection. T7 Power Max: Ingredients and Composition: Before going into the description of the T7 Power Max effects, it is very important to talk about its composition. The composition of a product is the first thing we need to know about treatment. This is, in effect, essential information, which is important to study. 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In the beginning, the compounds help you to achieve a stable level in your hormones by increasing testosterone. This male hormone is responsible for the desire for people and other important responses to sexuality. These hormones also help you to restore your mood and combat mood swings, which can also increase your libido in a different way. You will be more mentally available to feel the desire and it will be much more present. In addition, T7 Power Max also allows you to have a stronger and more durable erection. This will be greatly appreciated by your partners and will also allow you to feel more fun. This effect will improve your confidence and therefore your libido again. If you are a couple, you will find the passion of the first days and, if you are single, the passion of your youth! You just have to try and finally let yourself go! Side Effects of T7 Power Max: Indeed, with bad ingredients, the product can cause unwanted side effects. Which can harm our health and have the opposite effect. It is essential to consider in this way. With regard to you do not have to worry about side effects, because the composition of the product consists of natural ingredients. Each of these ingredients will bring great benefits to your body and help you with your daily sexuality. To get a good idea of ​​a product, there is another important point to consider: the opinion of the consumer. This can help us get a clear picture of a product. It is very important to pay attention to what consumers can think. And this is the case for T7 Power Max. Because it can help us make the mistake of buying a product. It really matches our needs and their efficiency. You will be reassured by discovering the opinions of consumers on the forum that we now share with you: Price of T7 Power Max: You are seduced by T7 Power Max and the many effects on people's libido? It is now time to discover his price before he goes to the buying phase. 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Final Words: As you have seen throughout this article, the effects of T7 Power Max on sexuality are very numerous. The product is ideal for men because it increases libido by working on the presence of hormones in the blood and increasing testosterone. Which is responsible for desire and desire. This will allow you to have a new desire to have fun and this will have a positive effect on your sexuality, but also on your self-confidence. You will not believe that such effects are possible with one product! How To Order T7 Power Max? In addition, you have also read in this article that we advise you to purchase T7 Power Max on the official website of the product brand. This is the safest way to order it without the risk of falling forgeries. Are you tempted? Do not waste time and order immediately to test T7 Power Max as quickly as possible! And don't forget to give us your opinion about the product. Read the full article

[whydoyouthinkileft]

about my roxxon verse (not my canon version of her home life)  abuse tw

-here some headcanons/connections to canon facts/lines that become shady in this context  (there would be of course differences in her behavior during the canon seasons if I talk about the verse where her parents are in charge of Roxxon, but not necessarily in the version where they are only abusive and dangerous to HER. I use v. Roxxon for both versions to help people blacklist it, but in this post to make things more clear Roxxon is only referring to the verse where she was experimented on and saved by SHIELD. If I don't specify anything I'm talking about things that are true in both)

* she finds comfort in touch instead of escaping from it it. When someone else is upset she attempts touch as a response too because it works for her

* Fitz is a very NON threatening person to her, he could do anything right next to her and she wouldn't flinch.  * what is personal space * exaggerated sense of guilt and responsibility  * believes in good and evil and in punishing bad behavior, especially when it’s her own 

* can't lie well, lies were very 'discouraged' by her mother ; she can act very well, and she did for years. she’s often even scared when tasked to lie, rational or not

* "I like following the rules and doing what's expected of me. It makes me feel nice" * "what do you think of your first time skydiving?" "honestly, I'd rather not think about it anymore" one of her many methods of copying is avoidance. Distracting others. It doesn't always work, but she already knew how to deal with traumas that way. She did it her whole life. 

* "How is Simmons?" "Amazingly resilient. You'd never know she almost died" "experiences like that take a while to sink in" but it never really shows - because, again, Jemma has been there before. Also reason why after being tortured by Giyera she's equally resilient and nonchalant. * she knows far too much about tending people's wounds and her own from the very beginning without a medical training * she minimizes the importance of her feelings unless it’s science-related, the one field where she feels in control and where not being listened to can cause suffering to others; she also tries to minimize everything about her situation with her family or escapes discussions about her problems, while simultaneously trying to give hints that she needs help. Usually ends up refusing to break even when alone and giving up on communicating. 

* she will close off/snap if questioned about her mother unless she initiates the topic or she has no choice but to answer  * in the verses where she was ‘only’ emotionally and physically abused by mother and brother, nobody knows * she is tempted to talk to other abuse victims about it, but ends up believing that it would bring all the attention on her and doesn’t want to make it about herself    * she forgets to take care of herself when more important things are happening. like work. * she's tearing up the second Ward, under the Berseker influence, starts raising his voice, and it gets worse when he gets in Fitz's personal space, smiling in a non-threatening way, it’s hard to notice at first - she's not good at handling men yelling at her (due to her brother, while with her brother himself she baits him and fights as a panicked go-to reaction) but even worse at watching someone she loves in a similar threatened position, her protective instincts show up, and being unable to act hurts 

* even in verses where she told them she’s a party planner, every now and then they call her to question her about things that are happening in the world  * still learning what's appropriate and what's not. Finds too disturbingly easy to talk about cutting people open or discussing how soldiers have been experimented on (Fitz tells her not to sound too happy about it, Skye tells her they could just ask Randolf how long he's been on Earth, 'weirdo'.) In both versions but particularly in Roxxon she'd never experiment on anyone, but for her learning how bad her past was is still a work in progress

* her relationship with her father is all kinds of complicated. He was never able to say no to his wife, but he is attached to his daughters in his own way, especially the youngest. Though Jemma does have a special place in his heart, they shared a few good memories, and Jemma still answers his calls. In Roxxon, when his wife decided it was time to start testing, he and Jemma agreed that he'd protect his youngest daughter, Cat, and she'd cooperate. * she wants Coulson to tell her father she died before he'd tell her mother in FZZT because she's afraid that her mother won't even tell him or be very brutal in the delivery of the news * mix of wanting to be a perfect soldier and being extremely defiant when in disagreement with authority, nobody can make her do anything she doesn’t want to do  * scared by unwanted and mysterious changes in bodies (not only due to FZZT but in the Roxxon verse also because she doesn’t KNOW what her mother did to her) * in the Roxxon verse she’s not sure she actually had scoliosis   * instant hatred when anyone reminds of her mother or brother, or for whom hurts the people she wants to protect - her ability to feel empathy can completely disappear in these cases

* her ability to feel empathy usually goes from one extreme to the other, in fact  * high endurance of pain, particularly in the Roxxon verse * attitude towards Ward is very verse-dependent because the slightest changes can completely transform her attitude: it could be pure hatred and fear because he reminds her of what she could have been, or could still be, and because he betrayed Fitz who is her everything (platonically and non), or it could be understanding because she had a Fitz and he had a Garrett * in Roxxon verses, they could have stopped her from joining SHIELD but didn’t because they want her there. She also left one year before joining the academy for therapy and rehab, and her sister was relocated elsewhere. The calls with her father also made sure that nobody would go after Catherine. Only Fury and a few more people knew about her situation. In the verses where her memories have been rewritten, she only remembers emotional abuse but not the experiments, but SHIELD has files on it. It’s also verse-dependent. * willing to let loved ones put work before her * terrified of becoming her mother * lowkey looking for a mother figure who loves her (usually looks up to May)

* paralyzing fear when dealing with her mother in Roxxon verses, but in general she has a hard time speaking back to her unless it’s to defend another * will end up challenging everybody else who wants to hurt her like she does with her brother

* still learning how to behave in groups - life in the lab with Fitz was ‘safe’, and she was ready for more after almost a decade in it. in Roxxon verses, she’s also trying to make up for the hurt her parents caused using her inventions (even before she knows her mother is the one really in charge, not her father) - Centipede having grenades that had a dendrotoxin like the one Jemma developed for the ICERs was not a coincidence  * s2 was devastating for her in many ways. She felt she failed Fitz, but also it confirmed some of her beliefs about herself - being told her change was scary was one of the things that shook her the most. (it’s also usually the season where most threads are set)  * her mother in Roxxon had connections with Hydra and definitely wanted to use Hive once he’d be back, but even when that failed she had all sorts of backup plans to gain complete power. One of her people in SHIELD is behind the Monolith’s glass enclosure being open when Jemma studies it 

[mccumbersalecsander93]

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[bluewatsons]

Robert Pralat, Parenthood as intended: Reproductive responsibility, moral judgements and having children ‘by accident’, Sociol Rev (Online First, 2019)

Abstract

What does it mean to have a child ‘by accident’? And why is parenthood so often described as happening ‘accidentally’, even when it is likely to involve at least some degree of intention? Drawing on interviews conducted in England and Wales with lesbians and gay men who do not have children but may have them in the future, this article explores the meanings of the notion that, as a same-sex couple, ‘you can’t have a child by accident’ – a comment that interviewees frequently made unprompted when they were asked about the possibility of becoming parents. My data show that referring to ‘accidental parenthood’ is a common way of distinguishing one’s experience of early adulthood from that of heterosexual people, especially among white, middle-class lesbians. As a closer reading of the data also suggests, parenthood that arguably happens by accident is often neither unforeseen nor unfortunate, and its currency as a point of reference reveals a powerful cultural narrative. When a wide range of reproductive behaviours are often deemed irresponsible because of their broadly defined timing, describing a pregnancy as an accident obscures responsibility. I argue that, to a certain extent, the discourse of accidental parenthood can serve to prevent moral judgements about reproductive decisions. Consequently, however, the ‘inability’ to have a child by accident makes the prospect of creating a family not only more complicated but also subject to greater scrutiny.

Introduction

In her 1997 book Risk and Misfortune: The Social Construction of Accidents, Judith Green observes that ‘sociology has traditionally largely ignored accidents as a legitimate object of study’ (Green, 1997, p. 7). This lack of attention to accidents is, she argues, intriguing. First, accidents are omnipresent, and even though their existence may seem natural or obvious – and thus not requiring an explanation – their ‘reality’ is socially constructed, and it is vital to grasp how they are understood and managed. Second, the accident is a paradigmatic case of uncertainty and contingency, which are regarded as widespread characteristics of contemporary society, variously described by social theorists as ‘postmodern’ (Bauman, 1991), ‘late modern’ (Giddens, 1991) or as a ‘risk society’ (Beck, 1992). ‘Given the ubiquity of accidents and their importance to understanding the “risk society” in which we live’, Green observes, ‘it is surprising that so few sociologists, even those writing on risk, have addressed them explicitly’ (p. 13).

This article is an attempt to give accidents the overdue sociological attention by exploring their ubiquity in conversations about parenthood, with a focus on how lesbians and gay men, who do not have children but may have them in the future, talk about the possibility of becoming parents. In my study, which explored views about having children in a young generation of lesbian, gay and bisexual people in Britain, lesbians and gay men often commented that, as a same-sex couple, ‘you can’t have a child by accident’. This was the main way in which they distinguished their experience of early adulthood, in relation to reproduction, from that of heterosexual people, a contrast made especially by (white and largely middle-class) lesbians, with gay men sharing similar views (which, in contrast, were less evident among bisexual people and people of colour). In this article, I argue that ‘accidental parenthood’ is often neither unforeseen nor unfortunate, and its currency as a point of reference reveals a powerful cultural narrative. In a context where a wide range of reproductive decisions are deemed irresponsible because of their broadly defined timing, describing a pregnancy as an accident obscures responsibility. To a certain extent, therefore, the discourse of accidental parenthood may allow people to avoid moral judgements about their reproductive behaviours. Consequently, however, the ‘inability’ to have a child by accident makes the prospect of creating a family not only more complicated but also subject to greater scrutiny.

The article has four main sections. The first section, ‘Accidental pregnancies’, provides an overview of the social science scholarship on reproduction, addressing the phenomenon of ‘unintended pregnancy’ and the notion of ‘intentional parenthood’. The second section, ‘Following accidents’, describes the study this article draws upon and the method used to analyse what in itself was a rather accidental empirical finding. The third section, ‘Narratives of the accident’, tells a story of accidents as they featured in reflections about parenthood among lesbians and gay men interviewed for the study. Finally, the fourth section, ‘Accidentally on purpose’, brings my findings and previous research together to develop an argument that seeks to explain the prevalence of accidental parenthood as a reference point in same-sex narratives of reproduction.

Accidental pregnancies

A considerable body of research has been dedicated to understanding pregnancies that are ‘unplanned’ or ‘unintended’. Among the many reasons for the scholarly interest in reproductive planning and intention (or lack thereof) – and why, so often, they are not reflected in reproductive behaviours – is the premise that unplanned pregnancies are a problem: they bear the social cost of potentially unwanted children and demand for abortions, as well as associated personal costs (Barrett & Wellings, 2002; Kirkman et al., 2017). The vastness of research in this area is also due to the fact that unintended pregnancy is a complex phenomenon, which is difficult to measure and even define. Studies have consistently shown that it is misguided to fit women’s pregnancies into dichotomous categories such as ‘planned’/‘unplanned’, ‘intended’/‘unintended’ and ‘wanted’/‘unwanted’ (Barrett & Wellings, 2002). This is confirmed by findings from the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal-3), which provides population prevalence estimates of unplanned pregnancy in Britain. In an analysis of Natsal-3 data by Wellings et al. (2013), among women with known pregnancy outcomes, 55% of pregnancies were classified as ‘planned’, 16% as ‘unplanned’ and 29% as ‘ambivalent’, reflecting ‘increasing recognition that many women have mixed feelings about pregnancy’ (p. 1815).

Meanwhile in Australia, Rowe et al. (2016) have estimated that 40% of people who had ever been pregnant or had a pregnant partner had experienced an unintended pregnancy. The authors explain that the pregnancies their findings describe are reported as ‘unintended’ because it is ‘consistent with current usage in the professional literature’ (p. 105). But their report also reveals that, in their survey, pregnancy intention was assessed with a single question, which asked about ‘an accidental pregnancy’. As the research team report elsewhere (Kirkman et al., 2017), in the qualitative interviews that were part of the study, the most common term used to describe an unintended pregnancy was ‘accident’ (a term also commonly used by women interviewed in the UK study by Barrett & Wellings, 2002). Rowe et al. (2016) explain further that they had ‘used the lay term “accidental” in the questionnaire because it implies no judgment about whether a pregnancy was wanted or not and it can apply to mistimed, unexpected and unplanned pregnancies’ (p. 105, emphasis added).

That ‘accidental pregnancies’ represent a large proportion of parenthood experience links to an increasingly often documented sentiment that there is rarely a ‘right time’ to have children. For example, drawing on interviews with ‘younger and older mothers’ in England, Perrier (2013) notes that, as women try to identify the right time for motherhood, it is difficult for them to ‘synchronise’ different kinds of time: the ‘biographical’ time (having the right partner or the right job) and the ‘psychosocial’ time (feeling emotionally ready for parenthood) are often out of sync with the ‘biological’ time (being physiologically able to conceive). In other words, as women’s biographical and psychosocial ‘resources’ to have children increase, their biological ‘readiness’ for motherhood becomes depleted, which poses challenges to family planning. But social scientists have also pointed out that the idea of there being a ‘right time’ for parenthood is a middle-class notion. Perrier (2013) argues that the cultural narrative of ‘appropriately timed motherhood’ depends on ‘a middle-class life chronology’, marked by specific ‘lifestyle milestones’, such as university education, property ownership and reaching a specific goal in one’s career. These milestones tend to be out of reach for the working class where the labour market prospects offer no incentives to defer parenthood. In fact, it is often having children that provides an impetus for young parents to take up training and employment, which can ultimately improve their social outcomes (Duncan, 2007).

Nevertheless, working-class parents, and young single mothers in particular, are often perceived negatively. In the media, teenage mothers are represented as immoral, promiscuous and over-fertile ‘chav mums’ who pose a threat not only to their children but also to the stability of society (Gillies, 2007; Tyler, 2008). Phoenix (1991) points to two pervasive and conflicting stereotypes of young mothers: the first is that they have children in order to get council housing or welfare benefits and the second is that they become pregnant ‘accidentally’ because they are too ignorant to use contraception. But, as Phoenix points out, the two social constructions of teenage motherhood are logically inconsistent and, in fact, there is no evidence to support either.

As more recent research highlights, women also face social disapproval when they are considered ‘too old’ to have children. Media representations of older mothers portray them as ‘selfish’ for prioritising their careers or ignoring risks associated with conception and pregnancy at an older age (Budds, Locke, & Burr, 2013; Shaw & Giles, 2009). But here, too, empirical evidence paints a different picture of women’s motivations. For instance, recent work on ‘social’ or ‘elective’ egg freezing, which allows women to postpone motherhood while preserving their fertility, shows that far from being career-driven individuals who ‘forget to have children’, women who freeze their eggs do so due to a lack of a partner, as they are unable to find a stable, committed relationship with a man who wants to have children with them (Baldwin, 2018; Inhorn et al., 2018).

Echoing the defence of older women who, prior to childbearing, are keen to create conditions that would enable their children to thrive, a popular argument in support of lesbian and gay parenting is that, because of the necessity of planning for parenthood among same-sex couples, resulting children are always wanted and parents are additionally prepared to take care of their offspring. The discourse of ‘intentional parenthood’ is indeed a common feature in studies of lesbian mothers and gay fathers, which highlight the amount of forward thinking required to create a family as a same-sex couple (Lewin, 2009; Sullivan, 2004). Lesbian couples’ decisions to become parents through donor conception have been described as ‘by necessity’ ‘more deliberative’ (Dalton & Bielby, 2000, p. 59), preceded by ‘a lengthy period of soul-searching’ and informed by ‘much research’, including reading self-help books, watching videos and attending discussion groups (Dunne, 2000, p. 16). Lesbian mothers have been characterised as ‘informed, active consumers of healthcare information and services’ who pursue donor conception in ‘self-actualizing ways’, ‘facing decisions with eyes wide open’ (Mamo, 2007, p. 59). Similar descriptions can be found in the academic literature on gay fathers. Gay men pursuing adoption or surrogacy have been described as approaching parenthood in a way that is ‘highly intentional’ (Goldberg, Downing, & Moyer, 2012, p. 166), with ‘a great deal of planning’ and a sense of ‘heightened responsibility’ (Murphy, 2013, pp. 1114–1115).

It is questionable, however, whether intentionality is fundamental to lesbian motherhood and gay fatherhood, not least because of the high representation of middle-class parents in studies of lesbian-mother and gay-father families. Sociologists such as Gabb (2004) and Taylor (2009) have highlighted that people who come out as lesbian or gay after having children belong not only to previous generations but also to specific socio-demographics, and many routes to parenthood for sexual minorities are not accessible to the working class. Most research in this area has been conducted with well-educated and financially comfortable parents in the United States, and social scientists caution against regarding the intentionality of parenthood as universal. For example, Berkowitz and Marsiglio (2007) point out that even though some gay-parent families are formed through conscious planning, many others are not, warning that ‘glowing discourses’ of forethought and detailed planning tend to raise certain families to ‘a romanticized pedestal of responsibility and choice’ (p. 377). Moore (2011) also shows that in some gay communities – notably, among women of colour – having children through step-parenting or heterosexual relationships is more common than pursuing adoption or assisted reproduction. Therefore, the dominant academic narratives of lesbian motherhood and gay fatherhood may obscure the variety of non-heterosexual parenthood experience.

My interviews with lesbians and gay men certainly echoed the discourse of intentional parenthood – partly because they, too, were disproportionately middle-class, but partly also due to the study’s research design, which encouraged interviewees to imagine their futures. The study thus produced data in a form of prospective narratives (rather than retrospective accounts of people who were already parents). Similar to the heterosexual participants in the studies by Barrett and Wellings (2002) and Kirkman et al. (2017), interviewees in my study often referred to ‘accidental’ pregnancies. However, they did so in a context of emphasising how their potential experience of parenthood would be different from that of their straight peers and parents. In light of the literature reviewed in this section, we may thus ask two related research questions. First, what makes the idea of having a child ‘by accident’ such a strong reference point in talking about parenthood among those who form same-sex relationships? And, second, what does it tell us about broader societal understandings of unintended pregnancy and parenting intentions?

Following accidents

Data presented in this article come from a qualitative interview study which explored views about parenthood in a young generation of lesbian, gay and bisexual people in Britain. The study examined what men and women in their twenties and early thirties, who had no children, thought about becoming parents in the future. The interviews were conducted in England and Wales between 2012 and 2015.

People who took part in this study had entered their adulthood at a time of increasing possibilities to become parents in a non-heterosexual context. In Britain, different pathways to parenthood opened up for same-sex couples in an exceptionally short period of time. In December 2005, same-sex couples were allowed to jointly adopt (Children and Adoption Act 2002) and the rights of non-biological parents were protected through a new form of relationship recognition (Civil Partnership Act 2004). Over the following few years, it became generally easier to pursue parenthood through assisted conception. For example, the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act 2008 facilitated access to fertility services for lesbian couples. Changes in law have been accompanied by a more explicit acknowledgement of family diversity by subsequent governments and other institutions, including adoption agencies and fertility clinics, and by an increasing availability of information for prospective parents from sexual minorities.

Interviews were conducted with 23 people, most of whom had been recruited via a dedicated study website. A link to the website was disseminated through multiple channels, including LGBT organisations, LGBT staff networks and Facebook ads. The website described the study as exploring what having and not having children meant to the young generation of non-heterosexual adults in Britain, and targeted people aged 20–35 who did not have children. Website visitors could register their interest in being interviewed by completing a short form, which asked a small number of questions, including whether the person wanted to become a parent at some point in the future. The form aimed to select a diverse group of interviewees with respect to their socio-demographic characteristics as well as their views about parenthood.

Of the 23 people interviewed, 12 were men and 11 were women. Interviewees were aged between 23 and 33 years, with a median age of 28. Twenty identified as lesbian or gay and three as bisexual (none identified as transgender). Fifteen were in a same-sex relationship, seven were single and one man was in a relationship with a woman. Nineteen lived in England and four lived in Wales. Twenty-one resided in urban areas and two in rural locations. Twenty were British, one American, one Spanish and one French. Nineteen identified as white, two as black, one as Asian and one as ‘other’. Seventeen had a university degree and six had completed their education at GCSE or A-levels. All but two were employed at the time of our interview and worked in a range of industries. It should be noted that interviewees were predominantly urban, white and middle-class.

Twenty-one interviews were one-to-one and one was with a couple. The interviews, all audio-recorded, lasted between one and three hours. I usually started by asking about interviewees’ initial thoughts upon finding out about the study. With each answer, I prompted them to elaborate on what they had already said. In doing so, I was guided by three broad topic areas, identified in six initial interviews (included in the final analysis): (1) thinking about parenthood (including parenting desires and intentions, or lack thereof), (2) talking about parenthood (including recollections of conversations with partners, family and friends), and (3) attitudes towards different pathways to parenthood (such as adoption, donor conception and surrogacy).

The starting point for this article was an observation that, in my interviews, a particular comment was frequently made unprompted. Interviewees who identified as lesbians, and who were white and largely middle-class, often described parenthood as happening (or not happening) ‘accidentally’, which was usually remarked upon as an aside, without much elaboration. Other interviewees (including men but not bisexual people or people of colour) made similar comments while describing their experiences and possible futures as distinct from those of heterosexual peers. Having been intrigued by a trope that had clearly become a common rhetorical shortcut, I searched through my interview data for mentions of the word ‘accident’, including its variations, and for comments that seemed to convey related sentiments. Finally, I formed a narrative aiming to unpack the various meanings behind references to ‘accidents’ in talking about parenthood.

My analytical approach can therefore be described as ‘following’ or ‘tracing’ a concept – similar to how Ahmed (2006) followed the concept of ‘orientation’ or how, more recently, Epstein and Mamo (2017) traced the concept of ‘sexual health’. I adopt this approach in order to better understand, first, the different meanings of the expression ‘you can’t have a child by accident’ – when used by lesbians and, to a lesser extent, other people who form same-sex relationships; second, why this phrase has seemingly become a common way of distinguishing lesbian motherhood (or non-heterosexual parenthood more broadly) from heterosexual reproduction; and, third, how the frequent use of this idiom changes perceptions of the relationship between reproduction, sexuality, gender and social class. The next section provides an account of how ‘accidents’ featured in my interviews. I refer to interviewees using pseudonyms and, when quoting, I use italics to highlight interviewees’ own emphases.

Narratives of the accident

The key aim of this study was to explore how people who form same-sex relationships approach the topic of parenthood when they think about the future. As I discuss elsewhere (Pralat, 2016, 2018), people who took part in the interviews articulated their feelings about the prospect of having children by drawing on examples of parenthood they were personally most familiar with – that is, parenthood of their own (heterosexual) parents and peers. In doing so, interviewees often framed their comments in terms of similarities or differences between heterosexual and non-heterosexual experiences of, and expectations about, reproduction. On the one hand, it was striking how frequently and spontaneously they used language that could be described as heteronormative. The use of phrases such as ‘at this stage of my life’, ‘natural progression’ and ‘biological clock’ seemed somewhat taken for granted, and interviewees rarely remarked on their lexicon’s association with conventional understandings of the life course or the nuclear family. On the other hand, when contextualising their thoughts about parenthood, interviewees usually recounted how their own parents and straight friends had welcomed children into their lives – and it was here where contrasts were drawn. Most commonly, those transitions to parenthood were reported to have happened without much, if any, preparation and they were often described as unplanned or unintended. In this context, interviewees positioned themselves as different from the heterosexual majority, despite the fact that, in so many other ways, there was nothing distinctly ‘gay’ in how they thought about family and personal life.

One of the most often occurring comments in my interviews was an observation that becoming a lesbian or gay parent did not happen ‘by accident’. Ruth, a 24-year-old lesbian in a long-term relationship, reflected: ‘You know, family planning in a gay couple is harder – you can’t accidentally get pregnant as a gay couple.’ Having been together for six years and cohabited most of this time, Ruth and her partner felt almost ready to welcome children into their home, so far occupied by the two women and their four pets. Partly because the couple did not know any men who could act as their sperm donors, they thought about using a sperm bank and inseminating in a clinic. Illustrating what exactly made family planning more difficult for same-sex partners, Ruth compared herself with her heterosexual sister:

If my sister wanted to have a baby, she could just stop taking the pill. That’s all she’d have to do. She has sex with her boyfriend anyway. It’s not like they have to change their behaviour in any way – she just stops taking the pill. For me, I have to go through six months of medical appointments, and saving for two years, and keeping a diary of what days I’m on my period, and peeing on a stick to tell when I’m ovulating, and all of this stuff that straight couples don’t necessarily have to do. I have to do it that way.

By describing in detail what most straight couples do not have to do in order to become parents, Ruth portrayed heterosexual reproduction as effortless. While some interviewees referred to cases of infertility among straight people they knew, in the majority of references to heterosexual individuals parenthood had happened ‘simply’ through having sex. Scott, a gay man aged 29, shared Ruth’s sentiments: ‘It’s so easy for a man and a woman – you pop upstairs, come back down, [wait] nine months, and a baby’s born. Where for us it’s so difficult.’ Other interviewees noted that, in straight partnerships, ‘you wouldn’t even have to think’ about how to have children – ‘you’d just do it’. Louis, a 24-year-old gay man, pointed out the financial dimension of becoming a parent:

You know, if you’re a heterosexual couple with functioning genitals, you can be as poor as you want and you will have kids. How you raise them and whether or not the state supports that and all that stuff is a whole other issue, but the process of acquiring the children is free.

Money, finances and, by extension, social class played a key role in these same-sex narratives of family planning. When interviewees talked about clinical insemination or surrogacy, the costs of becoming a parent were often illuminated – both men and women saw the pursuit of parenthood as inevitably involving substantial expense. But the issue of resources was highlighted from a different perspective when interviewees reflected on the socioeconomic disadvantage associated with ‘accidental pregnancy’. Here, the spontaneous nature of heterosexual reproduction, rather than evoking jealousy, brought a kind of relief about one’s own circumstances. This was especially the case among those interviewees whose social circles included single parents and, more specifically, women parenting alone.

Interestingly, interviewees from working-class backgrounds, or ones whose peers struggled financially to raise children on their own, sometimes talked about homosexuality as if it was giving them the ability to exercise reproductive control. Seeing privilege in being a gay man, Scott observed: ‘A lot of us have got female friends who are single mothers and [we] see how hard it is. We’ve got the choice not to have it, you see.’ In some interviews, being lesbian or gay shaped the process of imagining not only the future but also an alternative, what-if present. Thom, a gay man aged 23, shared an insightful reflection during our interview:

Thom: If I could reproduce myself, if I could get pregnant, I probably would have had a child by now, I think.

Robert: Why do you think so?

Thom: I don’t know. Because . . . Obviously, I think it would just be easy. And I think because a lot of my friends got pregnant . . . I think there’s about eight girls from my year at school – all pregnant around the same time. I think it was just a sort of thing to do. But, yeah, I think if I could have a child naturally . . . I don’t know, I think I probably would [have had children by now].

Compared with the earlier quotation from my interview with Ruth, Thom’s account gives a different perspective on the ‘easiness’ of heterosexual reproduction – here, advantage and procreation are related in a different way. Whereas the heterosexuality of Ruth’s sister retained agency and conscious decision making (‘if my sister wanted to have a baby, she could just stop taking the pill’), these elements appear missing in Thom’s description of his former classmates. Based on his account, there was little reflection over becoming a parent among the young women he knew from school – ‘it was just a sort of thing to do’. Thom doubted that he would have avoided having children at a young age himself if he was straight, highlighting how reproduction can be outside of one’s control. Tellingly, while putting himself in ‘straight shoes’, like Scott earlier, he identified with his female peers rather than the fathers of the women’s children. Heterosexual men were absent from interviewees’ narratives, which illuminates a complex relationship between reproduction, sexuality, gender and social class.

As Thom’s comments make clear, the inability to unintentionally ‘reproduce oneself’ in gay sex has implications beyond ‘family planning’ – to a large degree, it can shape people’s approach to life as a whole. One potential advantage of the ‘impossibility’ of accidental parenthood is a greater sense of control over the future. This sense of control, in turn, affects attitudes towards sex, which becomes dissociated from some of its reproductive connotations. For example, Lauren, a 30-year-old lesbian uninterested in becoming a parent, did not envy her heterosexual peers: ‘I don’t know how my straight friends handle the fear of that, like, you know, every month thinking, “Oh crap, I’m late”, etcetera, etcetera. I just can’t even imagine that fear!’ While having a late period could be exciting for Ruth, the prospect of delayed menstruation filled Lauren with terror. We can see how the relationship between reproduction and sexuality intersects not only with gender and social class, but also with parenting desire (or lack thereof), making life more difficult for some while playing in favour of others.

There are thus both costs and benefits in the inability to have children ‘by accident’, and most interviewees gave nuanced accounts, balancing advantages and disadvantages of their situation rather than positioning themselves as simply unlucky or fortunate. For instance, Becky, a lesbian aged 25, recalled her coming out – a transition that made her consider issues she had not pondered before:

When I realised I was gay, particularly as I’d been in a heterosexual relationship for three years, obviously I had some questions as to how [I would become a parent]. But, again, I never really waived. I just thought to myself that it’s gonna be different, it’s gonna be really different, and it’s gonna – it’s not going to happen by accident, let’s face it. [laughs] So in lots of ways I’m quite glad because it’ll be the most wanted and planned child possible. But, at the same time, it’s kind of sad – no, it’s not sad – I find it upsetting that I can’t have, I can’t just, like, stop using protection, say it will happen, and take the worry off it. That’s what worries me – that it’s gonna have to be really planned. It’s gonna have to happen some way that is really, really planned, there’s a lot of stress and there’s a lot of, like, focus on more moments. That’s what worries me, going forward.

The improbability of falling pregnant by chance, as it were, had pros and cons for Becky. It made her convinced that she would have ‘the most wanted and planned child possible’. But she also got frustrated that she could not simply stop using contraceptives. In the above quotation, there is a tension between a desirable intentionality, enabling prospective parents to put things in place before their child is conceived, and a deliberateness that becomes a burden because of its intensity. While it is favourable for children to be planned, it can be worrying when they have to be ‘really, really planned’.

Similar to Becky, Gavin, a 25-year-old gay man, saw both sides of the coin in the intentional character of non-heterosexual reproduction. Hoping to have a child via surrogacy with his partner, he also expressed concerns about planning. The couple differed in the extent to which they had been ‘exposed’ to pregnancies and births in their respective families, which made them approach the prospect of parenthood in contrasting ways. Gavin seemed less concerned than his partner about thinking ahead:

I think, if we were a heterosexual couple, it would never warrant this much discussion or this much planning. For instance, [our friend], she’s just got pregnant, and they dealt with it, that’s it, you know. So, yeah, I think [my partner] kind of sets himself up to fail in a sense, where he kind of just has to cover every eventuality, every bloody topic. I think, I suppose it is necessary, because I suppose it develops your awareness and makes you prepared. But then is it really that necessary to go through every single bloody detail?

With varying approaches to parenthood, Gavin and his partner needed to negotiate the extent to which they wanted to plan while pursuing their desire to become parents. As Gavin noted, there was a risk of setting oneself up for failure if the couple got carried away with looking forward. It seems that becoming a parent required reducing the temptation to ‘cover every eventuality’ by accepting that sometimes you just ‘deal with it’.

Sally, a lesbian aged 31 with a partner of seven years, told me about parents among her friends, which led her to observe that lack of planning for parenthood was common: ‘One of the things about my friends who’ve had children is that a large percentage of them have been accidents. So it’s not like they’ve made the decision to have children. Obviously that’s not going to happen with us, so it’s . . . it’s a little bit harder.’ Comparisons across generations also showed that not only pregnancies that were unplanned but also pregnancies that were (initially, at least) unwanted were not unusual. Lauren, for instance, recalled her childhood:

My mum told my sister and me quite regularly [when we were] growing up that she didn’t actually want children – it was just an accident and they made the best of it. It wasn’t quite as heartless as it sounds! [laughs] My mum’s really good, she’s really loving and really fabulous. But I think it was one of those, ‘Oh . . . well, better make the best of this!’

Even though, as Lauren remarks, the idea of a mother telling her children that they were not wanted may sound ‘heartless’, this example shows that ‘accidental parents’ are not necessarily worse than ‘intentional parents’ – they can be just as ‘good’ and just as ‘loving’, and the resulting parent–child relationship can be equally harmonious. In fact, the accidental nature of parenthood may also benefit the relationship between partners, as Lauren explained later in our interview:

[With] straight couples, ’cause you can have kids by accident, you know, things happen and you make the best of it, and stuff like that. But with two women . . . it’s quite an effort. And it’s got to be a very kind of decisive, definite thing to decide. ‘We’re gonna have children, we’re gonna try and have children.’ I’ve got some friends who are going through this at the moment, and it’s quite a slog.

Here we have an account that runs counter to the narrative of accidental pregnancy as likely to result in relationship breakdown due to limited communication about parenthood between partners prior to conception. Instead, accepting that ‘things happen’ and making ‘the best of it’ can be less of a challenge for partners than the effort required when reproductive decisions are approached prospectively in a conscious manner. The ‘definite’ character of intentional parenthood can make the process of creating a family become ‘quite a slog’, with potentially negative effects on the dynamics within the couple, who, as comments from Becky and Gavin have already shown, need to engage in difficult conversations. If a pregnancy happens ‘by accident’, partners can avoid facing these difficulties.

It is not only communication between romantic partners that can be challenged when parenthood needs to be planned; it is also communication outside of the couple. Sally imagined a situation when she would need to announce a pregnancy in her workplace: ‘It’s not like you can turn around to your boss and go, “It was an accident!” You know, obviously it wasn’t an accident! [laughs] But to what extent do you – yeah . . . That could potentially be a very difficult conversation.’ Even if employers are increasingly accepting of family diversity, we can see how (openly out) lesbians cannot follow a script that is seemingly available to other women. Describing one’s pregnancy as an accident might serve as a form of protection for one’s career, even if the accident was, in fact, ‘planned’. Such ‘pretended accidents’ may, to some extent, prevent judgements about women’s commitment to work. They cannot, however, protect women whose decisions to have children at a given time are clearly deliberate.

Although often unpleasant, conversations that bring the prospect of planning for parenthood to the fore can also be constructive for intended parents. Having been introduced to the personal lives of many same-sex couples, it became apparent to me that the inevitability of planning facilitated dialogue for those who did want to create a family, even if the conversations were not always easy. Vicky, a lesbian aged 28, provided further insights into the additional efforts related to the kind of parenthood that can only happen intentionally:

[My partner and I] did have some sort of pre-parenting counselling, just to kind of make sure that this was something that we wanted to do. . . . And I think when you are a lesbian couple, or even a gay couple, because it’s not so natural and you can’t just get pregnant by accident, you do kind of overthink things, and you do think long and hard about it. And it probably was a bit excessive to go and have counselling – you know, it wasn’t an extra step that straight couples necessarily take – but it was very beneficial, very useful in terms of helping us to communicate about having children.

Vicky and her partner’s decision to have ‘pre-parenting counselling’ suggests that the couple felt like they needed to go the extra mile to reassure themselves that they were ready for parenthood. However, as the earlier quotations also show, the principle that plans to create a family have to be well thought out includes ensuring that one does not, in Vicky’s words, ‘overthink things’. Therefore, the most preferable approach to reproductive decision making emerging from the interviews is not only to be reflective but also to reflect in moderation. Any ‘excessiveness’ of planning appears beneficial to the extent it improves communication between partners so that they can embark on their journey to parenthood in a balanced and resilient way. But why is positioning oneself vis-a-vis people who can ‘just get pregnant by accident’ so common in articulating one’s approach to parenthood? Bringing together my data and existing scholarship, I will now seek to offer an explanation.

Accidentally on purpose

By tracing the concept of ‘accidental parenthood’ in my data, I have attempted to draw attention to its ostensibly central role in positioning sexual-minority parenthood as different from heterosexual reproduction, amid a myriad of similarities. Having presented how interviewees, especially lesbians, talked about the inability to have children ‘accidentally’, I will now discuss my findings in dialogue with existing scholarship in order to understand what exactly the insights described in the previous section tell us about the changing perceptions of the relationship between reproduction, sexuality and various axes of cultural difference, in particular, gender and social class.

I begin my argument by suggesting that, in my interviews, the frequency of references to spontaneous conception, including accidental parenthood, highlights the centrality of ease and effortlessness in cultural understandings of heterosexual reproduction and its normativity. Lesbians, gay men and same-sex couples – as well as straight people who, for a variety of reasons, are unable to conceive despite wanting to – can envy (fertile) heterosexuals the ‘ease’ of reproduction, not only because parenthood that happens ‘simply’ through having sex makes having babies cheaper and more achievable, but also because it is closely linked to the ideal of the romantic love. ‘Forgetting’ to use contraception while getting ‘caught in the moment’ is a common experience among heterosexual people (Brown & Guthrie, 2010) and, apart from having potentially negative consequences for individuals involved, it also has positive connotations. Romance plays a prominent role in the cultural narrative of ‘natural’ reproduction, where partners (and future parents) are intimately connected. As Mamo (2007) observes, this narrative ‘moves into the lesbian-insemination script’ (p. 146): stories of donor insemination performed at home, as opposed to a fertility clinic, often include romantic elements, featuring music, candles and even sexual intimacy, and lesbian couples who do end up using a fertility clinic, after unsuccessfully trying to conceive at home, frequently recall their previous attempts at self-insemination with nostalgic references to fun, thrill and excitement. In my study, comments from those wanting to become parents in the future, like Ruth, Scott and Becky, echo the frustration expressed by lesbian mothers about the, from their perspective, unfortunate separation of reproduction from sex.

But recognising the heteronormativity of reproduction does not in itself explain the currency of accidental parenthood as a trope. I would argue that what is demarcated by interviewees in my study as beyond their reach is not only reproduction that is easy, effortless and spontaneous; it is also – precisely by being described as happening by accident – reproduction that is immune from scrutiny. Green (1997) notes that making ‘claims to the accidental’ disclaims responsibility. In other words, people cannot be held responsible if what they did was an accident – if it was not done on purpose. Luker (1999) makes a similar observation writing specifically about pregnancy. ‘Becoming “accidentally” pregnant’, she argues, ‘permits people to duck the onerous responsibility of having to decide whether to enter into parenthood’ (p. 249, emphasis in original). Existing empirical evidence highlights that heterosexual people often describe unplanned or unintended pregnancies as accidents (Barrett & Wellings, 2002; Kirkman et al., 2017). My data additionally illuminate the prominent role of this description in lesbian and gay people’s perceptions of heterosexual reproduction, which confirms that claiming to have had a child by accident, or the ability to make this claim, can be appealing. But why would becoming pregnant ‘on purpose’ be so prone to being perceived as irresponsible?

Based on my data as well as sociological work on heterosexual parenthood, I would argue that accidental parenthood allows people to avoid the responsibility of having to decide not so much whether to enter into parenthood, as Luker suggests, but when to do so. Early in the article, we saw that it is often difficult for people, and for women in particular, to identify a ‘right time’ to become parents (Perrier, 2013). If there is rarely, if ever, a right time to have a child, it follows that reproductive decisions are often regarded as ‘mistimed’. As such, these decisions are likely to attract moral judgements, whether they relate to parental age, work situation or relationship status. Therefore, parents, and mothers especially, are often described as irresponsible because of the timing of their parenthood: for having children too young or too old, at a critical moment in one’s career, or with an insufficiently long-term partner (if they have a partner at all). Considering the ‘high risk’ of being judged as irresponsible for having a child at a wrong time, claiming accidental parenthood can prevent judgements, because the ‘wrong time’ was not deliberately chosen. Indeed, if judgements can be avoided in this way, describing one’s parenthood as accidental – even when what it actually means is ‘accidental on purpose’ – seems like a responsible thing to do in itself.

It is important to emphasise that comments about accidents made by interviewees in my study, as they described the parenthood experience of straight people, did not refer to becoming pregnant accidentally due to ignorance about contraception – a stereotype of young mothers discussed by Phoenix (1991). Instead, interviewees’ comments alluded to rather benevolent accidental pregnancies that happen within a context of a stable relationship where partners usually, though not always, want to have children anyway, even if it is not exactly at the time it ends up happening. We can understand such pregnancies as ‘accidents waiting to happen’ where resulting parenthood is more likely to be a ‘hap’ than a ‘mishap’, even if the way in which it is talked about suggests otherwise.

Approaching the accidental from this perspective sheds new light on the understanding of the relationship between the intentionality of parenthood, reproductive responsibility and social class. As discussed early in the article, the discourse of reproductive responsibility is often invoked in a way that stigmatises working-class women. Emphasising the intentionality of sexual-minority parenthood, by claiming the righteousness of one marginalised group at the cost of another, may contribute to this stigmatisation – even if doing so is not intentional. But there is little evidence in my data of pejorative discourses among middle-class lesbians and gay men towards working-class heterosexuals. Comments about unplanned parenthood did not reference ‘reckless behaviours’, ‘promiscuous lifestyles’ or other characteristics stereotypically attributed to the working class. To be sure, non-heterosexual parenthood was perceived as necessarily intentional, but its compulsory deliberateness was not seen as a virtue in itself. On the contrary, it was precisely the purposeful nature of gay parenthood that seemed to raise concerns about irresponsibility. As such, rather than reflecting judgements about women who become mothers ‘too young’, my findings echo criticisms of women who have children ‘too old’ and the increasing recognition of the moral scrutiny of middle-class parenthood, manifested in tensions between the importance of planning ahead and the impossibility of being fully prepared for having children.

In this context, where accusations of reproductive irresponsibility encompass both the working class and the middle class, I would argue that having children ‘accidentally on purpose’ has become a powerful, if not dominant, narrative. When for the majority of the middle class achieving certain lifestyle milestones, such as job security and home ownership, is delayed (sometimes indefinitely), and women are expected to both become mothers and sustain successful careers, parenthood through ‘pretended’ or ‘planned’ accidents may be a new kind of norm. Rather than an exception, such ‘accidental’ parenthood has potentially become a rule because of its ability to prevent judgements about whether becoming a parent at a given time is compatible with the stage of one’s career, the balance of one’s bank account or the state of one’s relationship. Combined with the heteronormative ideal of spontaneous conception discussed earlier, it makes sense that ‘having a child by accident’ can be peculiarly appealing. However, this accidentally-on-purpose parenthood is not accessible to everyone. Any protection from scrutiny that claiming accidental parenthood can provide is less likely to benefit the working class than the middle class and, for different reasons, it is out of reach for lesbians and gay men. Assisted reproductive technologies and the increasing social acceptance of family diversity may have facilitated a wider range of parenthood possibilities, including creating a family as a same-sex couple. But as different family forms become more normalised, the privileging of ‘natural’ reproduction seems to manifest itself in more implicit ways.

Conclusion

This article has aimed to demonstrate that, though counterintuitive, it is a worthwhile endeavour to look for the meaning of unintended pregnancy among people who, in their own view, cannot experience it. Responding to the call by Green (1997), I have taken accidents more seriously as an object of study by examining the role they play in the everyday management of risk and uncertainty. More specifically, I have shown that views about having children among people who form same-sex relationships are highly influenced by the phenomenon of ‘accidental parenthood’, even if its existence is mainly discursive. My findings shed new light on the understanding of lesbian motherhood and gay fatherhood as intentional by illuminating a more complex relationship between intentionality and privilege. I have suggested that the notion of having children ‘accidentally on purpose’, in its ability to disclaim reproductive responsibility, is a powerful cultural narrative, especially among the middle class, and I would encourage researchers to further examine the validity of this argument.

As this article draws on small-scale qualitative research, other arguments I have made about reproduction, sexuality, gender and social class should be viewed within the context of the study’s limitations, and these arguments too are worth examining further. For example, even though I cannot draw definite conclusions based on my data, it is noteworthy that some gay men in my study, when using heterosexual reproduction as a point of reference for their own thinking about parenthood, compared themselves with female peers, not with straight males. Likewise, it is notable that none of the interviewees who identified as bisexual and none of those who were black or Asian used the term ‘accident’ at any point during the interview, nor did they emphasise the contrast between heterosexual and sexual-minority parenthood by referring to unintended pregnancy. These indicative findings highlight the importance of thinking about reproduction in an intersectional way, and future studies should further attend to how sexual and ethnic identities, as well as gender and class, shape people’s perceptions of parenthood.

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[juditmiltz]

Bridging the gender divide in commercial real estate

Barbara Liberatore Black’s rise to managing director of JLL’s South Florida office was not an easy one. Currently the only female executive in her office, Black was also one of the first women in commercial real estate in Miami.

She got her start doing tenant representation for Julien J. Studley Inc., the precursor to Savills Studley, in 1981. “I was the only female tenant adviser for years,” Black said. Before securing that gig, she’d tried to get her foot in the door elsewhere, to no avail. 

“If you were a man today, I would hire you,” an interviewer told her, reasoning that as a woman who was going to get married, she wouldn’t have the time for the job. Instead, he offered Black a secretarial position. She turned it down.

Times have clearly changed, but in the wake of the allegations of sexual harassment and assault by Harvey Weinstein — and the many similar charges against high-profile men that followed, including starchitect Richard Meier — several, if not all, industries are facing profound questions about company culture and fairness.

However, many women in South Florida’s commercial real estate industry are not seeing a major push to close the gender gap. They say the #MeToo movement hasn’t kicked off the kinds of productive conversations it was intended to inspire. Rather, many male colleagues are “now afraid to say hello” to women, Carol Brooks, co-founder of the brokerage Continental Real Estate Companies (CREC), said. “It’s coming more from a place of their own self-preservation. It’s interesting to see how men are reacting; it’s more fear than compassion or anything,” she said.

The Real Deal examined the male and female representation of agents working for South Florida’s top five commercial brokerages (determined by the dollar volume of sales and leases as reported by the South Florida Business Journal) by analyzing broker license data filed with the state as of Feb. 23. Marcus & Millichap had the lowest percentage of female agents in the tri-county region of Miami-Dade, Broward and Palm Beach counties, with 18 percent.

Lori Schneider, senior managing director of investments at Marcus & Millichap, said she thinks the firm has fewer women than the others because the company focuses only on investment sales, which takes time and money “until you establish yourself.” Women typically have less of both than men, she said. Leasing, on the other hand, often provides agents with a crucial base salary.

CBRE had the highest percentage of women agents, with 39.8 percent, and JLL closely followed with the second highest representation of women, 38.6 percent, according to TRD’s analysis.

Both CBRE and JLL recently won industry awards for their gender inclusion. CBRE, where three of the firm’s board members are women, received the Diversity & Inclusion Award from the Mortgage Bankers Association in February. In March, JLL was named one of the National Association for Female Executives’ “Top Companies for Executive Women.”

CBRE and JLL’s numbers of female brokers in South Florida are better than national averages. The Commercial Real Estate Women (CREW) Network Benchmark study conducted in 2015 — the most recent data set of its kind that’s available — showed that only 23 percent of leasing and sales brokers in the U.S. were women in 2015. But that number was up from 20 percent five years earlier. Between 2010 and 2015, women went from representing 32 percent of the total commercial real estate workforce to 36 percent nationwide. The subsector with the highest concentration of women was property management, with 51 percent of the asset, property and facilities management workforce female, up from 47 percent in 2010.

And while the CREW research found that women made 23.3 percent less than men in the field in 2015, all of the women contacted for this story had a different experience. Female brokers said that because most positions are commission-based, the wage gap isn’t much of an issue. “The good news about that is a woman who is driven can be equal or better [than a man], and she will get paid,” Black said. “I think this is one of the few careers where women get equal pay.”

The achievement gap

Although there’s been progress in overall male-to-female ratios, the gender gap is still quite vast when it comes to women in leadership positions. CREW’s 2015 study found that only 9 percent of the women who were surveyed held executive roles, compared to 17 percent of the men who participated in the study.

The industry is also facing an aspirational gap between men and women. Forty percent of men surveyed by CREW said they wanted C-suite positions compared to only 28 percent of women. And once men had between six and 10 years of experience, they rose through the ranks at a faster pace than women, the report found.

“Men are much more vocal than women. When you don’t speak up and you don’t ask for the job, you don’t get it,” said Sara Hernandez, president of CREW-Miami.

  Women developers are also lacking in the industry because the field requires a track record and capital, said Avra Jain, a commercial developer in Miami’s MiMo, Little Haiti, Miami River and Overtown neighborhoods.

“When I first came down to Miami [17 years ago] and I walked into a meeting to buy a piece of property, the broker kept talking to the man next to me,” Jain said.

The perils of after-hour events

“‘Welcome to the company. I Googled you hoping to find some bikini shots online,’” Pauldine France, vice president of strategic investments at FIP Commercial, recalled a man saying on her first day at a new job. “I once had a COO I ran into at a party who was trying to get me drunk to take me home. His wife was at the same party,” she added.

Most women in the industry who were contacted for this story agreed that there’s been some progress in hiring more women, but the presence of some bad actors remains a big issue.

France got her start in 2003 as a brand ambassador for Tony Cho when he launched Metro 1 Properties. She was later a financial adviser at Morgan Stanley, then worked for Shawmut Design and Construction in New York, Thor Equities in Miami and, more recently, spent a year working for RKF, also in Miami.

France is, as she describes herself, a “six-foot-tall black chick with green eyes.” She’s faced more than her share of unwanted attention, she told TRD. “I’m used to people looking at me. In commercial real estate, I am a unicorn of a unicorn,” she said. “I’ve had inappropriate, ‘let me take you home’ comments.”

The necessity of after-hours networking doesn’t help things. Going to nightclubs, strip clubs and bars is still a way to get deals done in Miami, sources said. There’s also still a lot of golfing.

“Half of these guys just want to party, and the business facilitates partying” said Mika Mattingly, executive vice president of Colliers International South Florida.

Some women push themselves to head to the golf course or boozy networking events even when it’s uncomfortable. CBRE’s Carol Ellis-Cutler, first vice president of advisory and tenant services in Miami, attended a conference earlier this year where she was one of a handful of women out of a crowd of 800. She later attended the golfing event, where she was the only woman — alongside 32 men.

However, Ellis-Cutler and Arden Karson, senior managing director of CBRE South Florida, both said they also use their gender to their advantage. “Being the only woman at the table, they love that,” Karson said, referencing her male colleagues. She squeezed her way into a dinner during a CRE Finance Council event because she wanted to do business with the group.

“I was the only woman out of 20 people, and they all wanted to sit with me,” Karson said, noting that the extra attention she received was not inappropriate. The men, she said, just wanted to speak to a woman because it was “a refreshing change.”

Men can be more inclined to share information with women, some female brokers said. But that too can have its downside. There’s a fine line between being “approachable and nice” and being “firm,” France said. “You have to deliver this coolness while still keeping that meter stick in front of them,” she said. “Nine out of 10 times, ‘super cool’ can become ‘I can make comments about your new push-up bra.’”

Mentoring the next generation

When considering ways to resolve some of these murky issues, many women said that mentoring a new generation of female brokers is the most important work that needs to be done. And South Florida’s a good place for that: A number of women in leadership roles in commercial real estate own their own companies or work for women who do.

Brooks, of CREC, got her start working in the corporate real estate lending department at Southeast Bank and moved on to the Continental Companies, where she was director of the commercial office leasing department. In the late ‘80s, she considered working at other brokerages and said, “Screw that, I’ll start my own company.”

At that company, a boutique commercial firm she co-founded with Warren Weiser, 51 percent of its 120 employees are female. Two of its six partners are women, and half of its department heads are women. More than 60 percent of CREC’s property managers are women, and 26 percent of the company’s brokers are women. “There are just such high barriers to entry otherwise, so we’ve created our own system,” Brooks said.

Her approach to nurturing female talent development has paid off in the eyes of Sabrina Stimming. Brooks mentored Stimming, who started as an executive assistant and was promoted to marketing assistant, then marketing director. An opening appeared in retail leasing, and now Stimming is director of retail leasing and a partner at CREC. She believes that had she started her career at a traditional brokerage like a CBRE, “it’s probably not likely I would be a head of a department there.”

“If you look around at other firms in our industry, the only women you see in any sort of leadership positions are women who form their own companies,” Stimming added.

Without a mentor, Collier’s Mattingly developed her own strategy for success that many women in the industry adopt: Be the best at the job. She’d pick a neighborhood or area and become an expert on it. “I picked Sunset Harbour, which I liked at the time, and I farmed the fuck out of it,” she said. 

From Metro 1, where Mattingly started in 2006 as a commercial associate, she went to Sterling Equity Commercial, where she’d “transact all day off-market, but no one would trust me with big listings.” She eventually represented Moishe Mana in nearly all of his acquisitions in downtown Miami’s Flagler District, which to date has totaled $267 million on 1 million square feet of building space and eight acres of land.

In 2016, Mattingly joined Colliers and is building her team out of an office in downtown Miami. Although it’s not her own company, it’s clear that she’s running her own operation out of the ground-floor retail space on Flagler Street. She said she’s teaching her team to become neighborhood experts, as she did, by learning every property and zoning before they start selling.

Tere Blanca, founder, chairman and CEO of Blanca Commercial Real Estate, also wants to nurture female talent. She left Cushman & Wakefield to start her own firm in 2008 and is responsible for mentoring everyone in the 22-person office, including a few female agents. In her view, the lack of women in the field may stem from them just not knowing about it. “I don’t think a lot of young women understand the opportunities that exist in the industry,” she said.

Ellis-Cutler and some of her colleagues at CREW-Miami introduced themselves to a group of high school girls by telling them, “We don’t sell single-family homes. We can sell the entire multifamily building.”

CBRE created its Women’s Network in 2000; it now has 3,500 members nationwide and hosts quarterly events. The gender gap at CBRE and other major commercial brokerage persists, but Karson acknowledged that the firm’s numbers are going up.

Forging ahead

While women in commercial real estate today see some struggles and disparities, JLL’s Black said the industry has grown to include more women since she got her start in the early ‘80s. “The one thing I’ve noticed is that women feel more empowered to say to their peers or their managers, ‘Hey, that was an off-color joke’ or ‘I didn’t really like the way you said that about me.’ Women are using their voice now to explain that it’s not right,” she said.

However, Black sees two areas where female representation is lacking: tenant advisory and capital markets, both of which are especially profitable sectors of the business. “That’s predominantly still occupied by men, but in time that will change,” she said.

Jain is also optimistic about closing the gender gap in development.

“We’re starting to see more women take on those roles within their families and more women who want to be developers,” Jain said.

from The Real Deal Miami https://therealdeal.com/miami/issues_articles/bridging-the-gender-divide-in-commercial-real-estate/#new_tab via IFTTT

[robertdriscollus]

Couples Inpatient Drug Rehab Madison Alabama Addiction Treatment

Thinking About Attending a Madison, Alabama Couples Drug Rehab?

Seeking addiction treatment together in a Madison Alabama rehab for couples can be useful for a variety of aspects, particularly when both partners are committed to the relationship and to winding up being neat and sober. Providing that both partners are willing to start the healing procedure, couples rehab can help not simply break the cycle of addiction, nevertheless likewise strengthen the relationship by helping the couple to have a look at and alter the issues that caused their addiction in the real top place.

Couples who are addicted to drugs or alcohol routinely experience difficulties with setting borders, exposing feelings, choosing, parenting, and handling funds. Couples rehab offers education, capabilities, training, and treatment to help partners to attain enhanced techniques of handling these concerns. Even if merely one partner has an addiction, the other partner can get from couples rehab by discovering to manage particular triggers and helping the other stay sober.1 Whether one or both partners require addiction treatment, specialized couples rehab teaches the tools needed to remove barriers, avoid relapse, and accomplish long-lasting healing.

Reasons For Couples Rehab

The possible result is a lasting recovery, and a much healthier, much better, and substance abuse-free relationship.

In addition to the basic treatments for drug abuse, individuals in couples rehab can expect to focus on the health of their relationship. Particular treatment is essential for handling the substance abuse concern, nevertheless, might neglect or place a lower focus on related issues. Integrating relationship treatment and drug abuse treatment in couples rehab handles the problem from all angles, which can utilize the outright best possibilities for recovery and for restoring the relationship. Couples alcohol and drug rehab likewise provide a structure for life after treatment, as the couple may deal with the uncharted place when they both start living neat and sober lives.

Madison, Alabama Couples rehab can be either inpatient or outpatient or a mix in which one partner is dealt with as an inpatient and the other goes to sessions as an outpatient. The format you pick depends primarily on your special requirements as a couple and whether one or both partners are fighting with a substance abuse issue.

Throughout the course of inpatient treatment, the specific coping drug or alcohol addiction lives at a residential drug rehab center, whereas outpatient rehab permits the customer to continue residing in your house while getting treatment at the center. No matter the format, medical research study reveals that partners who participate in couples rehab for drugs or alcohol together report a greater degree of staying away, greater levels of overall satisfaction with the relationship, and much better operating within your house than couples who just pick specific addiction treatment.

Looking after drug abuse issues with the specific tools and strategies utilized in couples rehab allows you both to focus on acquiring sobriety and repairing and reinforcing your relationship. The prospective outcome is a long-lasting healing, and a much healthier, better, and compound abuse-free relationship.

 Fighting Addiction in A Relationship

Relationships where both members of the couple use drugs are truly routine. The National Abandoned Infants Assist Resource Center talks about that, in particular, ladies who make use of drugs or alcohol are more than 2 times as most likely as men to have a partner who is similarly a compound abuser.

The relationship itself can be harmed by this drug abuse, even if the couple is committed to making the relationship work. Based upon details from the American Association for Marital Relationship and Household Treatment, indications of trouble for the relationship consist of:

Drug abuse or drinking is the only thing the partners enjoy doing together.

Substance usage activates domestic violence on the part of one or both partners.

The partners require to be intoxicated or high to expose love or go over the relationship.

The partners ignore normal jobs, such as household tasks or childcare.

These problems establish on top of the unfavorable results that develop for each person, making complex substance abuse and typically causing increased abuse. When this gets to be extreme, one partner may pick to search for treatment.

Your addiction doesn’t have to control your life or your relationship. Don’t wait until the damage is irreparable. Call our expert staff for more information!

 Drug Withdrawal Symptoms: What to Expect

The symptoms of drug withdrawal and the length of that withdrawal differ depending upon the drug of abuse and the length of the addiction. These are a couple of withdrawal signs and timelines for significant targets of abuse:

Heroin and prescription painkillers: flu-like symptoms lasting an average of 5 days

Benzodiazepines: anxiety and/or seizures lasting weeks or (sometimes) months

Drug: anxiety and restlessness enduring 7-10 days

Alcohol: tremors and/or seizures lasting 3 days to a number of weeks

The seriousness and duration of withdrawal is affected by the level of reliance on the substance and a few other factors, including:

Length of time abusing the drugs

Kind of substance mistreated

The technique of abuse (e.g., snorting, smoking cigarettes, injecting, or swallowing).

Quantity took each time.

Family history and hereditary makeup.

Medical and mental health aspects.

Dealing with Dual Medical Diagnosis As A Couple

Many people detected with a compound use disorder (SUD) likewise suffer from a co-occurring psychological health or behavioral condition. This is referred to as a dual diagnosis. Individuals with a dual medical diagnosis require an integrated treatment plan that resolves both disorders as interconnected psychological health issues.

“According to the National Survey on Substance Abuse and Health (NSDUH), 45 percent of individuals with addiction have a co-occurring psychological health condition.“

By seeking treatment for addiction and a co-occurring behavioral or mental health condition, you will stand the very best chances of successfully obtaining the fulfilling, healthy life you are worthy of.

Types of Mental Health Issues and Addiction

There are a number of mental health and behavioral conditions that consistently provide themselves together with addiction. Usually, these conditions are the covert aspect of an addiction. That’s why it is needed to never ignore the indications of a mental health or behavioral condition when it relates to a person’s long lasting addiction healing strategy.

Common psychological health conditions connected to substance abuse consist of the following:

Attention-deficit hyperactive condition (ADHD). People with attention deficit disorder (ADHD) might be more likely to abuse compounds as a strategy to deal with their indicators. Good deals of individuals are advised stimulants to treat their ADHD, which can be habit-forming and activate a harmful pattern of substance abuse.

Bipolar  About half of individuals with the bipolar affective condition also fight with addiction. Similar to any other condition, it can be fascinating self-medicate. Alcohol and drugs provide a source of short-term relief from mental situations and manic episodes for people with bipolar.

Borderline Character Condition. Research study research studies have actually exposed that addiction and borderline character condition (BPD) normally happen together. Over two-thirds of people with BPD have actually really turned towards substance abuse at some time in their lives.

Stress and anxiety. An estimated one in 10 adults in the United States has actually reported struggling with depression. Good deals of individuals linked to tension and stress and stress and anxiety effort to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. This usually makes the issue even worse. The crash after the high can be wrecking for those with a pre-existing depressive condition.

Consuming Issues. Consuming conditions generally come from strong feelings of inability. Drugs that lower cravings are especially normal among people with these conditions.

Generalized Tension And Anxiety Condition (GAD). The most regular mental condition in the U.S., generalized stress and stress and anxiety condition (GAD) results 18 percent of the adult population. People who cope GAD may be more than likely to abuse alcohol and drugs to handle their indications. People may likewise abuse benzodiazepines, which are very addictive prescription medications made use to manage stress and tension and tension and anxiety conditions.

Compulsive Condition. Compulsive Condition (OCD) triggers a variety of unwanted fixations and fascinations, such as an unreasonable concern of germs and the requirement to continuously tidy. There are various variations of this health issue. People with OCD usually experience tension and tension and stress and anxiety and tension and anxiety as a result of their unrestrained behavior, which can cause drug abuse.

Injury. When a specific establish trauma (PTSD) their brain produces fewer endorphins than a healthy brain, making them more than likely to turn towards alcohol or drugs to rejoice. According to the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs, almost 75 percent of soldiers and veterans who experience an awful or violent occasion throughout fight report duplicated alcoholic abuse.

Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is identified by hallucinations and delusional thinking. Identifying schizophrenia in addition to an addiction can be tough given that both conditions share the specific very same results. When a person has schizophrenia and utilizes compounds as a technique to self-medicate their condition, the risk of putting their health even more at risk.

Exploring Residential Treatment Programs For Couples

Residential treatment, among the premium levels of care provided by various Madison AL Couple Residential treatment centers, has actually helped numerous individuals in their pursuits of achieving happier, healthier, and more satisfying lives. Within this type of treatment, devoted, expertly trained, and multidisciplinary team member who has knowledge in treating a myriad of psychological health and chemical reliance concerns are on-hand to offer assistance, assistance, and the interventions needed to assist people to reach their treatment objectives. In addition, many treatment modalities are used within residential care, which is backed by a research study and designed to generate the most favorable treatment results. Among the different methods utilized within this level of care, the following are those that are most frequently implemented into the treatment used within residential treatment programs:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

Acceptance and Dedication Treatment (ACT).

Dialectical Behavior Modification (DBT).

Trauma-focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT).

12-Step method

Couples Rehabilitation Centers

Couples IOP Programs Madison, Alabama

The structure of Couples outpatient programs Madison, AL Comprehensive outpatient treatment, or IOP, is a science-based method for addiction recovery. However, outpatient treatment isn’t best for each single rehab individual. What is IOP, and why do therapists base involvement eligibility on particular elements? An extensive outpatient program can be the actually very first line of treatment, an action up from a less structured outpatient program when needed, or an action down from a residential program after a specific amount of advancement is made. This assists to form a smooth continuum of care. Individuals might attend a detox program prior to participating in an IOP when drugs or alcohol are still in the body and need to be safely processed out.

While IOPs can vary concerning what is consisted of, in standard, there are a number of core services generally used, according to the Substance abuse and Mental Health Providers Treatment Enhancement Protocols (SAMHSA SUGGESTION). These include:

Group and particular therapy sessions

Behavior adjustment sessions (both private and in a group setting).

Tracking of alcohol and drug abuse.

Case management.

Medical and psychological health treatment.

Medicinal tools.

Life capabilities training.

Educational chances.

Support group conferences.

Access to 24-hour crisis management.

Reach out to us day or night – Our caring Treatment Consultants are waiting for your call right now. Call Now

Benfits of Choosing a Couples IOP

An outpatient program may be more inexpensive than a residential one, supplying couples a more affordable choice for care. Insurance protection might likewise cover outpatient services or require individuals to attempt outpatient care prior to providing defense for a residential program. IOPs are typically finest suited to people who have a strong support group in your home. Both occasions require to be on board with the treatment approach, and prepared and able to promote an encouraging environment that contributes to recovery. Extremely experienced professionals work completely with homes and individuals to make sure that the care approach continues to be helpful throughout the entire of an IOP, making adjustments to services and shows when required.

 Sober Living After Rehab

A Madison Alabama couples sober living homes are substance-free living environments for people in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. These kinds of houses differ from rehab centers. These houses are normally found in tranquil neighborhoods, similar to a typical house. People who reside in a sober living house can usually continue as they please as long as they follow curfew and guidelines and policies. Locals are usually needed to take random drug tests to ensure sobriety. Individuals who live in sober homes are expected to be responsible for themselves, spend for the lease, and purchase and prepare their own food, similar to if they were living in a regular home.

Comprehending how to live sober independently is an important part of the recovery treatment. Most of the addicted people have an enabler in their life who would normally do these things for them. Managing this enabler made it so they never ever required to find how to live separately and take dedication for their actions. Sober living houses require a specific level of obligation from their locals and make it possible for possibilities for particular development.

Reasons People Choose To Stay In a Sober Living After Rehab

Safe and sober living environment

Strong support group

Satisfying similar people in sobriety

Routine drug screening

Safe combination back into society

Clean slate

When you try to find an addiction treatment program, it pays to comprehend aftercare services each center uses. Throughout the healing treatment, the quality and period of aftercare services can make a substantial difference in your possibilities for lasting success.

Success After Couples Drug Rehab

When the couple has, in fact, ended rehab, and the partners are managing to heal together, they can provide each other with an outstanding source of support for future barriers. With dedication, they can keep each other on track, help each other prevent triggers and yearnings, and encourage one another about the tools and abilities discovered in rehab. An obstacle might occur if among the partners does relapse, as this makes it likely that the other partner will relapse too. Nonetheless, with continued involvement in aftercare programs and a peer support group, the couple should have the capability to steer through these barriers and continue in recovery.

 Couples Rehab Helpline 888-325-2454

Call NOW for more information on how couples rehab in Madison, Alabama can heal your relationship and free you from addiction.

The post Couples Inpatient Drug Rehab Madison Alabama Addiction Treatment appeared first on Couples Drug Rehab.

Source: https://www.couplesrehabs.org/couples-inpatient-drug-rehab-madison-alabama-addiction-treatment/

from Couples Rehabs https://couplesrehabs.wordpress.com/2018/11/02/couples-inpatient-drug-rehab-madison-alabama-addiction-treatment/

[theconservativebrief]

It feels like 1991 all over again.

That year, Clarence Thomas was nominated by President George H.W. Bush to the Supreme Court, and Anita Hill testified that he had sexually harassed her when they worked together several years prior. Sen. Joe Biden, then the chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee, failed to call additional witnesses whose testimony could have supported Hill’s account. Thomas has now served on the Supreme Court for nearly 30 years.

Today, the details are different but the basic outline is eerily similar. In July, Christine Blasey Ford reported to Democrats in Congress that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh tried to sexually assault her when they were both in high school. He has denied the allegation. On September 16, Ford came forward under her name in an interview with the Washington Post.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), the ranking Democrat on the Judiciary Committee, knew about the allegation but declined to share it with the other Democrats on the committee, according to Ronan Farrow and Jane Mayer at the New Yorker. So it didn’t come up during Kavanaugh’s confirmation hearings.

Hill addressed the allegations against Kavanaugh on September 14, saying through a spokesperson that “the reluctance of someone to come forward demonstrates that even in the #MeToo era, it remains incredibly difficult to report harassment, abuse or assault by people in power.” She added that “the Senate Judiciary Committee should put in place a process that enables anyone with a complaint of this nature to be heard.”

Now the news is out, and the question is whether 2018 will be a replay of 1991. The past year, of course, has seen the rise of the #MeToo movement, as more and more Americans come forward to report sexual harassment and assault. Some of those accused — though not all — have faced significant consequences, including the loss of their jobs or, in a few cases, criminal prosecution.

But the outcome of the allegations against Kavanaugh will be a profound test of the power of #MeToo. Before the movement began, a Supreme Court nominee could be publicly accused of sexual misconduct and — due in part to the inaction of Democrats in Congress — be confirmed anyway. So far, Kavanaugh’s confirmation process has unfolded in much the same way Thomas’s did. We’re about to find out if the result will be the same.

Ford told the Post that she wrote a letter in July to her Congress member, Rep. Anna Eshoo (D-CA), alleging that when she and Kavanaugh were in high school in the early 1980s, he attempted to sexually assault her at a party. Kavanaugh attended Georgetown Preparatory School in Bethesda, Maryland, and graduated in 1983, while Ford went to a neighboring school.

At the party, Ford said Kavanaugh held her down and covered her mouth with his hand. She said she feared for her life, and that the experience affected her for years, contributing to symptoms of anxiety and PTSD.

“I categorically and unequivocally deny this allegation,” Kavanaugh said in a statement to the New Yorker. “I did not do this back in high school or at any time.”

Feinstein also received the letter, Farrow and Mayer report, but declined to share it with her fellow Democrats on the Judiciary Committee. “A source familiar with the committee’s activities said that Feinstein’s staff initially conveyed to other Democratic members’ offices that the incident was too distant in the past to merit public discussion, and that Feinstein had ‘taken care of it,’” Farrow and Mayer write.

After contacting Eshoo and Feinstein, the woman apparently stopped trying to speak out. “She had repeatedly reported the allegation to members of Congress and, watching Kavanaugh move toward what looked like an increasingly assured confirmation, she decided to end her effort to come forward,” Farrow and Mayer write.

Her report might never have seen the light of day, had Ryan Grim of the Intercept not reported on the existence of the letter on September 12. After more details came to light in the New Yorker, some progressive groups are calling for Kavanaugh to withdraw his nomination. Meanwhile, Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA), the chair of the Judiciary Committee, released a letter from 65 women who knew Kavanaugh in high school saying that he “behaved honorably and treated women with respect.”

After hearings in early September, during which Kavanaugh offered evasive answers to questions about abortion rights, affirmative action, and other subjects, his confirmation seemed all but assured. It remains to be seen whether the newly revealed allegations will meaningfully change things.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas in 2007. Aude Guerrucci (Pool)/Getty Images

What is clear is that the parallels between Kavanaugh’s case and that of Clarence Thomas are striking. In 1991, after Thomas was nominated, Hill told friends that he had harassed her when she worked for him at the Department of Education and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, as Amanda Terkel notes at HuffPost. Specifically, Hill said that Thomas had repeatedly subjected her to unwanted sexual comments, telling her about porn he watched and his sexual behavior, and making a joke about a pubic hair on a Coke can.

Biden had heard about the allegations but did not delay the Judiciary Committee’s vote on Thomas. It was only after the vote, Terkel writes, that Hill was identified in the press, and, under pressure from women in Congress, Biden reopened hearings to allow Hill to testify.

But Biden reportedly caved to Senate Republicans on a number of aspects of the hearing process. He let Thomas testify before and after Hill, including at 9 pm on a Friday when many Americans would be watching, Terkel writes. And as Farrow and Mayer note (Mayer co-authored a 1994 book with Jill Abramson on the Thomas confirmation hearings), three women were willing to testify in support of Hill’s account, but Biden failed to call them.

Last year, former Rep. Pat Schroeder (D-CO) recalled what happened when she complained to Biden that Thomas’s hearings were being rushed. “He literally kind of pointed his finger and said, you don’t understand how important one’s word was in the Senate, that he had given his word to [Sen. John Danforth (R-MO), Thomas’s chief sponsor] in the men’s gym that this would be a very quick hearing, and he had to get it out before Columbus Day,” she told the Washington Post.

Hill had to face testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee that she was an “erotomaniac” and lies about her in the press. The American Spectator called her “a little bit nutty and a little bit slutty.”

Race also became a factor in the hearings, with Thomas calling them “a high-tech lynching for uppity blacks,” as Victoria M. Massie noted for Vox in 2016. Meanwhile, Hill has asked, “how do you think certain people would have reacted if I had come forward and been white, blond-haired and blue-eyed?” Thomas was confirmed and sits on the Court to this day.

Calls have been coming for months to revisit Hill’s reports in the context of #MeToo. In a cover story for New York magazine earlier this year, Jill Abramson suggested that perhaps Thomas should be impeached for lying under oath about his conduct toward Hill. In an interview on Last Week Tonight this summer, Hill said “I’m feeling more optimistic than I was 27 years ago” and that harassers “should be terrified” of facing a reckoning.

But now the country faces a test of how much has really changed. Like Biden, Feinstein was apparently unwilling to investigate allegations against a nominee aggressively, though her reasons appear somewhat different.

“Sources familiar with Feinstein’s decision suggested that she was acting out of concern for the privacy of the accuser, knowing that the woman would be subject to fierce partisan attacks if she came forward,” Farrow and Mayer write. “Feinstein also acted out of a sense that Democrats would be better off focussing on legal, rather than personal, issues in their questioning of Kavanaugh.”

On September 14, a Feinstein spokesperson issued a statement to media telling a somewhat different version of events. “The Senator took these allegations seriously and believed they should be public,” the statement said. “However, the woman in question made it clear she did not want this information to be public. It is critical in matters of sexual misconduct to protect the identity of the victim when they wish to remain anonymous, and the senator did so in this case.”

Feinstein later said that she had tried to find ways of investigating the matter without revealing Ford’s identity. And Ford’s lawyer, Debra Katz, told the Post that she believed Feinstein had respected Ford’s desire for confidentiality, but that “regrettably others did not.”

Whatever the case, as Vox’s Zack Beauchamp notes, if confirmed, Kavanaugh could cast the deciding vote to overturn Roe v. Wade and would surely be an influential voice in a number of decisions affecting women’s rights. If he tried to assault a woman, even years ago, and if he is lying about that now, that information is highly pertinent to his ability to respect women’s equality and autonomy in his decisions.

If Farrow and Mayer’s reporting is correct, Feinstein apparently acted in a way that, even given her reported concern for the accuser, feels very 1991. She seems to have been banking on the idea that drawing attention to the allegations against Kavanaugh would be a losing move for Democrats. Essentially, she appears to have been betting against #MeToo, figuring that the power of public outcry against sexual misconduct would be too weak a weapon against the nominee. We’re about to find out if she was right.

So far, it has been hard to measure the impact of #MeToo. We can point to the firings of high-profile men, but it’s more difficult to tell how values and attitudes in the country are changing. But now, senators are hurtling toward a chance either to send a man accused of attempted sexual assault to the Supreme Court or to decide that such allegations disqualify him from one of the highest offices in the country, one that would give him the power to make decisions with life-or-death consequences for Americans.

In the coming days, Republicans and Democrats will surely weigh how their constituents will view their action — or inaction — on Kavanaugh’s confirmation. Where they come down will say a lot about what’s changed, and what hasn’t, since 1991.

Original Source -> The striking parallels between Brett Kavanaugh and Clarence Thomas

via The Conservative Brief

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[ixvyupdates]

5 Ways We Teach Rape Culture in Schools

How do we teach sexual consent in schools? You’ll probably say, “Well, we don’t teach it,” which is mostly true. Most schools don’t have consent written into their curriculum.

But here’s the thing: There is no neutral when we talk about sexual consent. By not actively working to undo the damaging messages of our culture, we are passively supporting them. In fact, many of them show up in the policies and cultural norms that we enforce.

I was thinking about this recently because a group of legitimately kick-ass people here in Minnesota is pushing for legislation that would require consent education in K-12 classes. Their effort is based on some of the affirmative-consent education that has spread in higher-ed institutions, and seeks to make it part of a healthy, comprehensive sex-ed experience.

The more I thought about what consent education looks like now in schools, the sadder and madder I got. Just because it’s not written into our curriculum doesn’t mean we aren’t sending constant and strong messages about consent, and they aren’t great.

When we choose to have no curriculum or plan for teaching consent, these are the messed up lessons we teach our kids instead.

Bad Lesson 1: Touching someone means you are sexually attracted to them.

This weekend, I was out at a coffee shop, and watched as a young girl, maybe 2 years old, walked up to the man in front of her and put her hand on his knee. The girl’s mom said to him, “Oh, looks like she’s got a crush on you.”

Like, I get that’s a thing that we do, but I think it’s weird.

I think it’s super weird, and we do it all the time, and we do it with younger and older kids. We act like a hug is a sexual thing, like lying next to each other is too close. Doing so, we miss an important chance to teach about how to negotiate touch, even non-sexual touch, in a healthy way. When we discuss different kinds of touch, different meanings, and how to communicate about them, we help keep young people safer from those who would actually want to hurt or take advantage of them.

Putting such strict and extreme meaning to touch enforces the idea that someone touching you, on your shoulder or even in some playful, flirtatious way, is communicating more than it is, and at the same time excuses non-consensual behavior.

Bad Lesson 2: Your body is not yours.

One year, in a building I taught, a young woman was being disciplined by a behavior dean. He was walking her to his office and she said, quite clearly, that she didn’t feel comfortable being in his office with him. He told her that she had to go anyway.

Luckily, her friends saw it, came to me and I went and sat with her in the office, but still. This is a version of something that happens all the time in schools, whether or not the student is able to so clearly express their discomfort at the time.

I had never thought of the way our control of student behavior takes away agency over their bodies until I interviewed my wife, a sex therapist and author, last summer. She pointed out how we often control students by telling them where and how to sit, when to go to the bathroom, how to walk, where to be and who to be near.

Some of those things are likely necessary because we need schools to work and to cut down on the flaming chaos of the hallways. But my wife’s outside perspective made me realize that when we do those things, we’re sending a bigger message about their bodies at the same time.

Bad Lesson 3: The behavior of others is your responsibility.

The most egregious way we enforce this in schools is through our dress codes. I’ve written about it before, and so have many others, so I won’t spend too much time here on why dress codes are often sexist and shaming.

They are.

When the dress code is used to say that whatever harassment or teasing or touching can be blamed on a skirt that doesn’t hit your fingertips, or that someone can claim your body because they have seen your bra strap, dress codes are giving a dangerous message to students.

I’ve heard similar messages applied to staff, where an unruly class has been blamed on the outfit of the teacher, where unwanted advances from a coworker have been blamed on—I kid you not—the sharing of food.

When we don’t have real conversations about what consent means and how it is given, we assume too often that any victim of harassment or assault must have, in some way, asked for it. It’s not a statement many of us would feel comfortable saying out loud, so it shouldn’t be an idea that is written into our school handbooks.

Bad Lesson 4: Boys are bad.

Once upon a time, I was a boy in school. I didn’t like it. I remember teachers making jokes about how messy and unruly boys were. I heard jokes about how young men were like children. Now, I hear those same jokes in the staff lounge about teachers’ husbands.

We aren’t good at boys in school. Not as good as we could be. We boys will be boys them too often.

We also allow room for jokes and comments about “real men” and delight at the male teachers at the assembly when they put on a dress. So absurd! A man who would reduce himself to being a woman!

Masculinity is fine. It is great. But toxic masculinity is, quite literally, killing us. When we allow for or encourage this culture of “bad boys” in schools, we allow for an idea of men who get what they want because they want it, of boys who can comprehend no larger threat to their self-worth than a girl who won’t give them the physical or social attention they want.

Bad Lesson 5: Sexual violence is less terrifying than sexual pleasure.

What do the standard texts in our schools tell our students about love and relationships and bodies? I’ve been wracking my brain about this for days, going through the texts I’ve taught, that are taught in buildings where I’ve worked, that I was handed when I was in school. I’m struggling to find examples of healthy romantic relationships.

At first, I was struggling to think of examples of any real relationships in books, which seemed to be by design. I can imagine that we are mostly terrified of addressing romance, most especially sexual romance, in classrooms.

That said, I could think of tons of books and stories that carried rape scenes in their pages, or that alluded to sexual assault or molestation. Tons more had scenes of physical abuse of children and partners. But none, none that I could think of, suggested that sex is something that people find to be enjoyable when done in a healthy, consensual way.

Seriously, the most sex-positive piece of literature I’ve taught that is typical in schools was “Romeo and Juliet,” and they get married after knowing each other for like a day, speak a full five minutes to each other, and then both commit suicide. Not good.

We Can Do Better

When we don’t include healthy relationships as models in our schools, we hope they learn those skills elsewhere, but most of the messages they are getting about relationships are from “The Bachelor” and the messages about sex are from Pornhub.

We are missing a grand opportunity to teach something necessary, to tell counter-narratives to rape culture. We need to take a hard look at how we work against consent in schools, but more than that, we have a chance to take action and provide our students with the tools they need to understand and engage in a culture of consent.

Photo by NINA P, Twenty20-licensed.

5 Ways We Teach Rape Culture in Schools syndicated from https://sapsnkraguide.wordpress.com