#THAT BEING FUCKING SAID I AM SCARED FOR MY LIFE

[st4rgiirll]

first i love you

s2!jj maybank x gf!reader

creds: roseraris for dividers!

the sunrise painted kildare island in shades of gold, and for once, jj was awake to see it. he sat at the end of the dock, legs dangling over the water, his usual bravado stripped away by the early morning quiet.

you found him there after waking up to a cold bed, with no protective arm around you. you knew where he’d be, he always sat by the water when his thoughts got too loud.

“couldnt sleep?” you ask, settling beside him.

you lean your head on his shoulder, you felt his head rest on your own.

“nah.” he replied, his signature half-smile playing at his lips. “too much thinking. dangerous activity, i know.”

you smiled slightly, pushing his side lightly. after months of being together, you’d learned to read between the lines when it came to him, to understand when his jokes were armour rather than humour.

”want to talk about it?” jj was quiet for a long moment, his eyes fixated on the horizon where the sun was climbing higher in the sky.

his fingers fidgeted with the bandana tied around his wrist - one you’d given him months ago when he’d cut his hand trying to fix his bike. he washed it and kept it, asking you to tie it around his wrist and of course you obliged.

“my old man showed up yesterday,” he finally said, his voice barely about a whisper.

“started spouting the same old shit, ‘bout how im just like him, how i’ll never amount to anything.”

your heart clenched. you’d seen the shadow his father had cast on him, how deep those wounds ran. “jj…” you started, but he shook his head.

“that’s not even the part that kept me up.” he continued, finally turning to look at you. his blue eyes were intense, vulnerable in a way you rarely saw them.

“what kept me up was thinkin’ about how different everything is now. how different i am. ‘cause of you.” your breath caught in your throat.

jj maybank didnt do serious conversations, didnt bare his soul unless something was really eating at him.

“you make me want to be better.” he said, his voice rough with emotion. “you make me believe i can he. and thats…” he swallowed hard.

“that’s fucking terrifying.”

“why is it terrifying?” you asked softly, despite already knowing the answer.

“because i love you.” he blurted out, then immediately looked away, as if bracing for impact. “and everyone i’ve ever loved has either left or hirt me and i cant… i cant lose you too.”

the vulnerability in his voice made your heart ache. this was jj maybank, the real one - no swagger, no deflecting jokes, just raw honesty from a boy who’d never been taught how to love or be loved properly.

you reached out, gently turning his face back toward you. his eyes met yours, uncertainty warring with hope in their depths.

“jj maybank.” you said firmly. “i love you too. and im not going anywhere.”

the smile that broke across his face was like watching the sun come out after a storm - brilliant and a little disbelieving. before you could say anything else, he pulled you into a kiss that tasted of salt air and promise.

when you finally broke apart, he pressed his forehead against yours, letting out a shaky breath. “say it again.” he whispered, and you could hear the smile in his voice.

“i love you.” you repeated, feeling him pull you closer.

“one more time?” you laughed, the sound carrying across the water.

“i love you, you idiot.”

“good.” he murmured, pressing a kiss to your temple. “‘cause i love you too, and i plan on saying it until you’re sick of hearing it.”

“i dont think that’s possible..” you smile, nuzzling your face into him.

the sun was fully up now, turning the water to diamonds, and jj’s arms were warm around you. you stayed there together, watching the island wake up, both understanding that something had shifted between you – something as vast and deep as the ocean stretching out before you.

and for the first time in his life, jj maybank wasn't scared of falling. he was already caught.

[on-a-lucky-tide]

As someone who wants to join the fandom more but it’s too scared to do so, I’m wondering how did you cultivated this community…? It’s so sweet to watch the way you talk to others and helping their works and such. How did you meet like…??? people ??? Like I always see you tagging the artists (ngl I found your blog because of Gomz) and I’d really want to learn, I’ve tried joining previous fandoms and it was always too competitive in some sense, like everyone was busy pushing their works for likes and retweets (maybe it’s more of a twitter thing)

Oh yeah. That's a Twitter thing. Twitter is a cesspit and I only go there for porn. The whole thing is set up to make people feel shite because people that feel shite scroll for longer/look at more adverts. Lock your account, bud. You'll feel a lot better.

But everywhere else? Gratitude and humility. Also, understanding what I wanted from fandom; a small community that hypes each other and encourages new people. Those are my bros (non-gendered). My Cakeshop Bros I found five years ago in fandom; they have slept in my spare bedroom, I've gone drinking, played boardgames, and we laid on the floor in London in a space art installation near Soho being weirdos drunk off our heads. Not just fandom friends now, friends for life.

When I first started posting for CoD, I was dead nervous as I'd been stung in a previous fandom. People took a chance on me as a new person; they reblogged my work with the sweetest tags. They hyped me. They took the time out of their day for a stranger, and they didn't have to. They coulda just read it and moved on. So, I said thank you in their inbox, or in their DMs. We started talking more, I was a bit weird and they vibed back. They are also good people. Genuinely. You mentioned Gomz; literally, so kind, so sweet. Deserves the world.

When I can, I make sure I hype them back; I wish I could do more but my job is absolute pig in terms of time. It's mock season (now over, woohoo) so I have a backlog of fics to catch up on - Nekro, Mikey, T, Oliv, Nikkie, Hexx, Gomz (who I deffo know have written), but there are probably more! I'll set a few hours aside over half term with a beer and crack on.

Also, I guarantee everyone is as nervous as you are. Everyone gets imposter syndrome. And also, everyone gets jealous. Jealousy is a natural human emotion that you need to process into something productive. "I'm jealous" = "this person is really fucking good, has worked hard, I'm gonna encourage them and learn from them because they clearly know their shit". Reframing rather than ignoring or letting it fester. They're just people after all and probably shitting themselves as much as I was.

I also guarantee you I am not everyone's cup of tea. And that's ok. Letting go of the burning desire to be liked by all, sometimes at the expense of my own bloody happiness and seeing it as a personal failing if I wasn't, was probably one of the most powerful things I did for myself over the last five years. The only thing I care about in regards to others is if I acted with integrity and kindness (not necessarily niceness). That's all I can control.

Sorry, mate. That came off as a bit of a rant! But uh, don't be scared. Keep reaching out. Be feral.

[pbplssaveme]

ok so ik this is lowk bad but i had this idea and i needed to write it lol and this is inspired by the story Flight 2136 or something like that lol ill come back and tag the creator later bc they deserve credit yk lol and this prob is confusing and very fast paced so im sorry in advance if you read this im new to writing bc normally i keep it to myself lol but i hope one person enjoys this and i have another section planned out so i will continue if some1 wants me too :) i don’t have a title so if you have an idea feel free to tell me and give me advice

warnings: mentions of drug use and abuse, swearing, and mental health issues (pls tell me if i forgot something)

this is based in an alternative universe and reminder ! nothing is real ! this is all fake ! they are real people and this is not intended for them to see !

playlist:

dark red - steve lacy

fine line - harry styles

listen before i go - billie eilish

the greatest - billie eilish

xanny - billie eilish

high and dry - radiohead

freaks- surf cruse

race - alex g

piano man - billy joel ⭐️

symphonia IX - current joys

invisible string - taylor swift

7:09 AM January 19th, 2020

“Azzi, Azzi, Azzi! Wake up!” Jose practically sobbed as he violently shook Azzi awake.

“What do you want Jose- wait what wrong,” Azzi quickly woke up once she saw the hysterical state her brother was in.

“It’s Paige! Something’s wrong, look at the news!” Jose said as he shoved his phone into his sister’s face.

Azzi barely had registered anything else but once she saw the headline on the article in front of her all she could read was:

“PAIGE BUECKERS, NO. ONE RECRUIT OF CLASS OF 2020, DOES NOT COMMIT TO ANY SCHOOL AND GONE OFF SOCIAL MEDIA, WHAT HAPPENED?”

“What the fuck!” Azzi almost screeched when she read the headline. 

Azzi shoved Jose out of the way before running to her parents bedroom, Jose quickly trailing behind her.

“MOM, MOM, WAKE UP PLEASE! ITS PAIGE SOMETHINGS WRONG! MOM!” Azzi was frantic and uncontrollable at this point, opening up her last messages with Paige.

p💗:

practice was so bad today

coach sucks

i miss you

i feel terrible like the life is sucked out of me

i don’t want to go out there im scared 

a💗:

i’m sorry:( practice should be good tmrw tho right?

coach just knows you can do good i promise you’re great yk

it’s gonna b ok though, you can always call me and i can even fly out if you really want me to

you’ll be ok i promise, you’re great with the media

i miss you too

p💗: 

thanks

i just feel like im losing my spark 

like no one believes me

well i know you and my family do but like

i don’t believe in myself anymore and that’s the hardest part

i feel like basketball is gonna b the death of me tho 😂

i see you in three weeks though its ok dw abt me too much ;) lol

thanks 

a💗:

quit be annoying 

and you’re not bad at all 

you’re literally number one recruit in the u.s. 

i believe in you enough for both of us combined even though it’s hard for you to see

i can’t watch the livestream so text me when you’re done pls 

i’m always here for you <3

p💗:

thanks

i will 

ily az

a💗:

ilyt p 💗 sleep well tn pls you need it 

last read yesterday 6:58 PM

“Honey what’s wrong, tell me, I can’t do anything to help if you don’t tell me,” Katie Fudd said as she rubbed her temples from being up so early in the morning.

Azzi frantically texted Paige,

a💗:

16 missed calls from p💗- 12:17 AM 

PAIGE

PAIGE MADISON

PAIGE MADISON BUECKERS

PAIGE

WHATS WRONG

I SAW THE NEWS ARTICLE 

FROM LIKE 30 MINUTES AGO

ANSWER ME

WHATS WRONG

THIS ISNT LIKE YOU

WHAT HAPPENED 

PLS TELL ME

WERE YOU HACKED OR SOMETHING

YOU WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS DELETE YOUR SOCIALS

PLS TELL ME THIS IS A PRANK

YOURE FUNNY YK

PLEASE ANSWER ME 😭😭😭

*37 missed calls from a💗 7:16 AM

“Mom, it’s Paige, she- she…” Azzi lips trembled before she could finish her sentence.

“She’s gone offline and won’t answer Azzi,” Jose finished for Azzi, after calming down a bit.

“What- What do you mean, Jose?” Katie asked as she hugged her daughter and rubbed her back in an attempt to soothe her.

“Look,” Jose said tears coming to his eyes again while he showed his mom his and Azzi’s phones. At this point, Tim and Jon were stirring awake from all the commotion in their house.

“Babe- wait Honey what’s wrong..” Tim said as he sat up looking at his family standing around in their bedroom.

“Holy shit…” Katie mumbled as she read the news headline and Azzi’s last conversation with Paige.

“It’s Paige, Tim. She, she-“ Katie sighed before she continued her brief rundown to Tim, “She deleted all her social media and won’t answer Azzi.”

“Holy fuck,” was all that Tim could muster up before he grabbed his phone, starting to text Bob, Paige’s dad.

“I’m blocked,” Azzi’s dad stated a matter of the fact, before turning the face his sobbing daughter. 

October 2nd, 2023, 11:57 AM

“So, Azzi, has anyone helped you keep your spirits extra high for this upcoming season as your third year here at UCONN?” the reporter stated before looking up at Azzi who stood there silently tapping her foot, anxiously waiting for the interview to be over.

“Um,” Azzi mumbled before looking at her feet. All that Azzi could think about ever for three years straight was Paige. Was Paige ok? Is she alive? Does she still play basketball? Does she hate me? Is her family ok? Is she in school? Did she miss me as much as I miss her?

The only thing that kept Azzi upright on most days and continuing playing basketball was the thought that Paige was going to someday be there beside her playing, living out their dream of playing together. All she ever thought about was Paige. Paige was what motivated her and kept her spirits up even though she hasn’t heard from her or her family in over three years.

“Uh, I would say my, um… best friend, Paige, you know, Paige Bueckers,” Azzi’s quietly said, silently praying now at this point the interview would be over.

“Oh! Have you been in contact with her? How is she doing?” the overwhelming, overly excited interviewer responded with while waiting for a response with her notebook out taking notes.

“Oh… uh, no,” Azzi said as tears threatened to spill out of her eyes, before stating “Um, I actually have to go, Coach is calling me.” Azzi gave a fake, lighthearted laugh while she heard her phone buzz violently in her pocket. Thankful for the excuse, she teared her phone out of her pocket and excused herself out of the lounge into Geno’s office. Once Azzi made it into Geno’s office, she immediately noticed the solemn, but tense expression on his face, filling the entire room with an energy that she knew she could not escape.

“Hey Coach” Azzi said before sitting down in one of the chairs across from Geno. 

“Well this is going to be an awkward conversation,” Geno stated before taking a deep breath. Azzi’s breath hitched, not knowing where this conversation could lead to.

“So, as I’ve been made aware of your situation with Paige Bueckers, you two were best friends until she um… disappeared you could say?” Geno said while slowly looking back up at Azzi. 

No. No. No. Why now. Any other time please. I do not want to have this conversation anymore even though it hasn’t even started. Azzi thought before looking at her coach and nodding her head, agreeing with what he was saying, too scared to say anything, afraid she would start crying.

“Well there has been some news that came out this morning, her family had contacted us explaining their situation and stated that Paige would be contacting us soon about transferring here, to UCONN, to complete her college degree and was interested in playing basketball with us this season if possible. We responded back saying that’s wonderful and we would love to meet her and get to know her before making further decisions. They also said that she wanted you, specifically, to know before anyone else on the team because she was nervous and wanted to know if you were okay with it. And yes, I got a brief rundown by them, they didn’t go into detail so I don’t know too much, about how she hasn’t texted you for the past three years or so and how you will most definitely be confused why she hasn’t said anything to you but I want you to know I can tell something happened and you need to be there for her and be welcoming when she just visits us soon,” Geno vocalized before standing up and giving Azzi a pat on the shoulder and sitting back down.

All that went through Azzi’s mind during that conversation was holy fuck, she’s gonna be here after three years would she even still want to talk to me. Azzi’s eyes immediately started welling up before she started spewing questions, “Do you know why she didn’t go to college in person? Is she ok? Is her family fine? What else do you know?!” Azzi sobbed as she wiped her face with her practice jersey.

“Her family stated that she could not attend college in person and had to get rid of her socials due to the fact that they had some issues at home and needed to focus on their family first. Trust me, I want to know the real story too and I am concerned for the poor girl because I know this is a big step for her. But they did tell me she has been doing online college for the past three years, but they believed she was ready to come back to school in person and wanted her to be able to play basketball because they know she couldn’t just go back to school and do nothing. I want her to play here because she could be great. Her playing here for just one or two years could really be big for us and her. You’ve got no reason to be afraid kiddo, maybe just the fact that she maybe an emotional wreck when she’s here,” Geno said chuckling at his last statement.

“Uh, ok. Thank you for letting me know Coach,” Azzi mumbled before standing up and walking out of the office. She quickly shot Nika a text, stating that she needed a ride back to the dorms because she couldn’t drive, before receiving a quick thumbs up and an ‘omw’ from Nika. Azzi was confused. How was she doing? Is she going to play with me again after the past three years? Is she going to want to play together again? She stood there outside of the practice facility in the chilly breeze before Nika pulled up.

“Girl, where’s your jacket? Oh wait, what’s wrong Honey?” Nika said as she quickly jumped out her car in a pair of sweats, opening the passenger door and putting Azzi’s gym bag in the back seat.

“Az, what happened?” Nika said softly as she wiped Azzi’s tears as she laid there looking out the window.

“She’s gonna be here Nik, she- she’s gonna want to see me after three years. Omg-“ Azzi hiccuped before completely breaking down.

“Oh baby, it’s gonna be ok,” Nika reassured her before pulling out to drive back to the dorms. 

“What if she never wants to see me again Nika, like, does she still consider me her best friend?” Azzi asked as she slowly, slowed her breathing down. 

“I think she would, wait, how’d you find out Paige is coming here, wait, she’s like coming back almost?” Nika asked incredulously once she processed sudden realization as she took a right turn.

“Coach told me, the rest of the team doesn’t know or the media, don’t tell them before Coach does please,”  Azzi said before laying down in the seat, closing her eyes, with tears still running down her cheeks.

“Don’t worry Az,” Nika reassured her as they pulled up to the dorms.

October 10th, 2023 1:23 PM

“Okay everybody, listen up” Geno barked as the group of girls in front of him shuffled into position.

“Paige is going to be here at 2. I expect nothing but kindness and welcoming introductions, no snarky comments or remarks, and especially no personal questions about those three years she was at home, got it?” Geno stated before staring at the group before him.

There were a few ‘Yes Coach’ and ‘Yes Sir’s before Geno spoke again.

“While we have time before she arrives, make sure the facility and your rooms are neat and tidy,” there was a brief pause before he spoke again, “I have a complete in depth map of the facility in case you want it, now before I let y’all run wild, I need Nika, Aaliyah, and Azzi to stay behind.”

Azzi’s breath hitched as she heard her name being called out by Geno but she stood there as she watched all the other girls leave, some heading towards the locker room, others going back to the dorms. The three girls stood there with as much confidence they could muster up, with all of their nail-biting nerves begging them to leave. 

“You guys will tour her around, show her everything and introduce her to all of the girls, got it?” Geno asked, waiting for a response.

“Yes Coach,” all three girls said before getting shooed off by Geno.

“I’m so royally fucked,” Azzi mumbled once they were out of earshot from their coach.

October 10th, 2023 11:45 AM

Paige stood their pacing her room. Her arms hurt and she could barely take a full breath. She woke up early that morning, trying to warn off any nerves she had before she had to face them, and her. Her hair was pulled back into a sleek, but messy bun, with little face framing pieces and light makeup. She wore long black cargo pants, a dark blue hoodie she had since her and Azzi were friends, and a small silver chain that had a small silver cross dangling off of it with some silver rings on her fingers that she liked or fidget with. She was put together on the outside for the most part. But on the inside, she was an emotional wreck. Her stomach dropped at the sudden ring from the room phone. Hoping it was not her parents, she breathlessly answered the phone, “Hello,” was all that she could put together before she hiccuped, hoping the other person on the line couldn’t hear the shakiness in her voice.

“Is this Paige Bueckers?” a small voice on the other line asked.

“Uh, yes- wait who is this?” Paige asked before she would answer anymore questions.

“Paigey! It’s Drew! Mom doesn’t know that I am calling, I just wanted to let you know that I love you and I hope you have a good day today,” there was a brief pause before he spoke again, “tell Azzi I said hi!”

Paige couldn’t believe it, she hadn’t heard from Drew since she got seperated from them three years ago. Her heart shattered when she heard Drew again,

“Oh, uh, I gotta go, Mom is coming. I love you Paigey.” 

Paige dropped the phone. 

“What the fuck,” she gasped as she scrambled to grab her phone and keys.

As Paige rushed out of her room, a whirlwind of emotions coursed through her veins. Drew’s voice echoed in her mind, reminding her of a time when family bonds felt unbreakable, a stark contrast to the reality she had faced over the past three years. She had missed so much due to herself, and the weight of that missed connection felt heavier than ever as she prepared to face a world that felt foreign to her now. Her hatred for her parents coursed through her veins as she pounded her way down the flights of stairs. 

So many emotions crashed over her like waves—relief that she was alive and breathing, guilt for leaving Drew, confusion about everything she had lost and everything she was about to face. It had taken her three years of fighting for her freedom, slowly chipping away at the barriers her parents had built around her since that terrible night in January 2020. After her overdose, everything changed dramatically. Her mother, terrified of losing her again, had imposed a strict regimen of control that included a sudden and complete cutoff from her former life. Friends became distant memories, her social media accounts vanished overnight, and the family she had once been inseparable from turned into strangers. The isolation felt suffocating, but Paige had poured all her energy into basketball—her one true escape and the one thing her parents let her do during that time. Waiting back in her hotel room were the hundreds of letters she wrote for Azzi, all of Azzi’s stuff she left back in Paige’s room years ago, and the letter from her mom she tore up and threw out before she read it. After almost tripping down the last three stairs, she got to her car and immediately started pulling out, GPS already pulled out to UCONN. She had watched every single one of Azzi’s games the past three years in the darkness of her own bedroom only feeling guilt of not being there right next beside her. All that she knew in this moment was that she was going to see Azzi again, reopening the already unhealed wound that cut deep through her heart and body.

October 10, 2023 2:03 PM

“Oh God,” Azzi said as she carefully watched Paige walk up to the gym through the doors.

“Hey, Azzi, you’re good girl. She is probably just as nervous as you,” Aaliyah reassured Azzi while giving her a small pat on the back.

“Yeah, as much as I have my own doubts, I know she’ll do just fine here,” Nika stated while also carefully staring out the glass double-doors.

Azzi’s heart dropped when she caught another glimpse of Paige. Her blonde her was just as she remembered, long, golden, and bright. Hey eyes matched the deep blue of her hoodie she wore that perfectly hung off of her tall but broad frame. She still walked with confidence although Azzi could see the slight hesitation she had in every step. Her posture was slightly lowered, Azzi assumed because of the cold breeze.

"She looks nervous," Azzi whispered, her voice barely audible. Nika and Aaliyah glanced at her, understanding the sentiment that lingered in the air as they sensed Azzi's growing unease.

"Remember what Coach said," Nika reminded her softly. "Just be welcoming. She needs to know that you’re still here for her.”

Once Paige made the pain staking walk to the entrance she opened the door anticipating the worse. She didn’t move far once she entered since she was instructed to not enter further without any of the coaches or teams’ guidance. But when she looked up to the second set of doors she saw her. She stood there, like always, with a quiet confidence, eyes big but comforting, and an oh so familiar aura around her Paige could not get enough of once she was in Azzi’s presence. They both immediately froze at the sight of each other, not knowing what to do. Paige was fortunate enough for Azzi to make the first move. She took a small step forward, with Nika and Aaliyah looming behind her.

“Hi,” Azzi breathed.

“Az,” Paige whispered, almost inaudible.

Before either of them could process their actions fully, they grasped onto each other like they were their lifelines.

“I’m sorry, like so sorry, I’m sor-“

“Don’t be sorry P, you’re here and that’s all that matters,” Azzi said as she buried her face into Paige’s shoulder.

“I didn’t mean to leave you, I promise, I-“ Paige sobbed as she dug her face into Azzi’s neck, trying to engrave every detail about Azzi into her brain all over again.

“Please don’t be mad at me,” Paige pleaded into Azzi’s ear.

“I could never be mad at you P.”

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[rabbithaver]

every so often i will see a post from a leftist on this website that is so egregiously ableist that i remember that like. oh yeah the userbase of leftists on this website is violently anti-disabled people and will jump at any chance to demonize any of us for any reason. i just forget that fact because i'm extremely dedicated to curating my space

i'm paraphrasing here but i saw a post that said, "every time i see an American [disabled person] mention being scared about the election because they're afraid of losing their benefits i have to laugh. anybody who wants blood-soaked money from the US government deserves to starve" which. like. goodness that's a lot to unpack. i think we should burn the whole suitcase instead !

[itsalwaysdark]

and when i live on my own ill be able to decorate like real life decorate ive never gotten to do that in real life b4

[scalpelsister]

what if i lost the will to live like. as a joke. what then.

[ley-med]

.

[salstray]

SOS Message Received

--

hey so this was supposed to be for my dnd group and then i lost my mind and now its its own thing

its only like 3 and a half minutes long but the urge to make this More of a thing is so powerful. no idea if i will but you can listen to this and give me your opinions if you'd like

[icelogged]

*2015 voice* i wish i had the chillness instead i got the mental illness

[the-cooler-king]

One of those texts I kind of need to sit on before I decide how I'm going to word it.

I never know how to start these, but I always have an idea on what to say. Your opinion of me actually matters a lot & the implication that you believe that I lie to you or I'm not doing enough is kinda hurtful. It comes across to me like my effort is worthless to you & that what I want doesn't matter at all. I wouldn't bring it up if I didn't think you cared, and I know you're going through a lot and shouldn't have to worry about me, but I'm getting mixed signals that are really throwing me off. What do you want from me? Am I asking too much of you and you don't know how to tell me? I sincerely want to be there for you, regardless of what it looks like to get to that point, but if you don't want me there you can tell me! What you want matters just as much, if not more, to me. I'm not the kind of person to be hostile about things if they don't work out. I don't want to be another source of stress or negativity for you, and I don't want you to be afraid of being honest with me. I constantly question if you're just too nice to tell me you aren't interested anymore, and even if you are, I might need more reassurance than you can give me because I don't think I'm very worth it to anyone for anything. If you don't think I'm trying hard enough then tell me what I need to do to change that! I'm at the point of just not knowing what I bring to your life, if anything at all. You don't need to deal with me on top of everything else, so, I'm sorry for this. Even if you don't text me back I'll feel better once I get it out there. The only thing I've ever been afraid of is not communicating exactly how much I care about you & how much you mean to me - even if it doesn't matter to you, or you don't believe me. If there comes a day where we aren't in each other's lives anymore for whatever reason, I don't want either of us to question what could've been said or done differently or regret not doing more.

[fragglerockopinions]

The worst thing about suffering is that it still hurts when the danger is over but no one cares about it anymore because it shouldn't hurt. No one will ever say "I'm sorry that happened to you" especially when they barely say "I'm sorry that's happening."

[persephoneflouwers]

-

[jackass-jones]

Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨

[hobisexually]

x

[actual-changeling]

.