#Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt VI                  An Illustrated Addendum of Vampiric Vamping

Laura: “You can stop pretending being all callous and indifferent; they saw you save me.” Carmilla: “I was just saving myself from the spores.” Laura: “Sure you were!”

-- in Basic Parasitology [S01E25]

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt IV                  An Illustrated Addendum of Vampiric Vamping

“Partners were face to face, chest to chest, all of that mmm… whirling. In 1698, it might as well have been sex.”

--Carmilla in Blame Enough For All [S01E28], and watching her and Laura waltz in 2017 (or is it even 2017? Have they time-traveled?), it still is sex.

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt XVI An Illustrated Addendum of Vampiric Vamping: Seducing Your Ex

Carmilla: “Do you miss me?” Laura: “Like someone cut a hole in me.”

--in Compulsory Violence [S02E22]

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt XI An Illustrated Addendum of Vampiric Vamping

Laura: [as Carmilla is gazing at her with literal stars in her eyes, smiling] “What?!”

Carmilla: [teasing] “So, I’m heroic, huh?”

Laura: [teasing back] “When you’re not threatening to vivisect graduate students!”

Carmilla: [suggestively]  “Well, you’d think if I was some noble warrior goddess that I’d be entitled to a little more admiration from my wide-eyed maiden fair...”

Laura: [admirative alright, the giddiest of giddies, chuckling adorably] “You are un-believable!”

Carmilla: “I guess I should just be happy you haven’t found a brand new crusade to be on!” [Come on Carm, how many centuries-old are ya already? Do not speak of the devil-- the Dean-- your mom! Don’t bring up your mom when you’re hoping to get into a girl’s pants!]

Laura: “We’ve been here for like, an hour. What kind of trouble do you think I could possibly get into?”  [Laura, not you too!]

Carmilla: [very suggestively] “Oh, I have all kinds of thoughts about that...”

LaFontaine: [walking in, turning up out of the blue, uninvited] “Hey guys, so the library’s a no-go, nobody’s been able to get in for days... Uhh, Perr’s gone to see if anybody at the student paper knows what’s going on, which means that I get a break from the ‘What pronouns do we use if’ interrogation. [realizing they interrupted a moment] Oh! Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt anything!”

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt V

Carmilla: [coming from the bathroom, as Laura's lamenting about not getting an A for the first time] Ugh, what are you whining about now?

Laura: Nothing. [what she means, and her face is transparent: not nothing.] I think I failed my Lit midterm.

Carmilla: Big deal? Aren't you practically dating your TA? [Do we sense jealousy here, mmm?]

Laura: You mean ask Danny to--? No, I couldn't do that. [All righteous] An A is a sacred trust.

Carmilla: Fine! [flirtatiously] But if I was your TA, you wouldn't even have to ask.

Laura: [clearly flattered] That's unethical. Considerate; but unethical.

Carmilla: [not giving a fuck about ethics] Ethics are a ridiculous game, played by children who think they can impose order on an arbitrary universe.

Laura: Yeah but, what can you do but try?

Carmilla: Well, if you're smart, you take any advantage you can get. Speaking of which, where is that bracelet I gave you?

[Laura sheepishly retrieves it from under Carmilla's matress, where she'd put it]

Carmilla: Okay.

Laura: So, what does it do exactly?

[she sits and rolls her chair towards Carmilla, the latter ties the charm back on Laura's wrist]

Carmilla: It makes you feel off to vampires. Like you're leaking radiation. [blasé and shruggily, but you're not fooling us Karnstein] Like, if I touched you I might feel off.

Laura: [disappointedly] Oh. Well, that's good. That probably good. [nodding unconvincingly, what she means: NOT GOOD. I don't wanna turn you off, no, no, no.]

Carmilla: Well, it might persuade them to move on to someone else. [what she means: you're mine; not to eat... I mean...]

Laura: Speaking of which, have you heard anything from the Dean yet?

Carmilla: [shaking her head] Radio silence. But the fact that we're both not messily dead bodes well.

[LaFontaine and Perry walk in, chatting]

Carmilla: [very upset that once again the moment she and Laura were having is cut short] Um, at what point in the last century did people give up on knowking?!

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt XV

Carmilla: Hey Laura?

Laura: Yeah?

Carmilla: [wistfully] Can we just pretend, just for tonight, that if I asked we'd run away? We'd find somewher to live and we'd just go, somewhere without murders or sisters. We'd sleep in hotel rooms and never live in the same city twice. There'd be no one to fail, or disappoint, or save. It would just be, you and me and love.

Laura: [leaning in to kiss Carmilla before she's finished talking] That would be nice, wouldn't it?

Carmilla: Mmmm-mmm...

[They kiss passionately. It's beautiful, and intense, and sweet, and sad because we all know they can't pretend for long. Not Laura, of course. But not Carmilla either, she couldn't give up on her Cupcake]

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt IX An Illustrated Addendum of Vampiric Vamping

Laura: [happy, excited, worried all at once, after reviving Carmilla with theblood from the soy milk container that Betty had not thrown out] “Are you hurt? It looks like maybe you’re hurt? And I’m sorry I hugged you so hard that you’re hurt, it’s just that-- that-- you were dead and now you’re not and--”

Carmilla: [gets up from the bed, stands really very close to Laura] Laura: [still soliloquing] “--and I know that you’re probably going--” [she realizes how very close Carmilla is, needs a breath] “--through a lot of stuff with your mom, it’s just that--” Carmilla: [can’t stop looking at Laura’s lips, whishing they’d stop moving and talking; so she kisses them] Laura: “--and I know that you didn’t do everything for me, but I just--” Carmilla: [Uh no, not that song again, stop talking and kiss me; she kisses Laura again] Laura: [smiles, gasps/yelps in the uttermost adorable manner] Carmilla: [smiles; kisses Laura again, she can’t stop kissing Laura, kissing Laura feels so good] Laura: [looks at Carmilla who’s smiling, she’s smiling too, she’s happy, kissing Carmilla feels so good, she can’t stop kissing Carmilla; she kisses Carmilla, a sweet, passionate, long kiss] [they stop, and gaze at each other] Laura: “So you’re a giant black cat, uh?”

-- in Life Goes On [S01E36]

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt XII

Laura: [after a hectic report of Silas news, to Perry and Carmilla] How did the newspaper kids handle all of this?

Carmilla: [deadpan, sipping blood, no biggie] They got themselves brutally murdered.

[Perry, very upset, exits]

Laura: Uh... Carm, maybe let's inxnay on the er-durm, eh? She's the one that found them dead.

Carmilla: [coming closer to Laura, to happy that she's proving her point] Yes! Dead! For doing the exact job you've now decided to do.

Laura: [heartfelt] Look... You have every right to be cranky. [but judging by the way Carm sweetly rearranges Laura's hair, she's not *that* cranky] I should have asked before I turned our apartment into a newsroom, but... the campus needs our help. I can't just walk away again, that wouldn't be me. [Carmilla sighs deeply, but she's also been gazing at that Tiny Gay Journalist with the *eyes of love] And maybe deep down, that's kinda what you like about me, isn't it?

Carmilla: You're killing me, Hollis! [tryna play it cool and badass with the surname-basis, but the *eyes of love* are still here, we can see them!]

Laura: [sassy as fuck] Yeah, but you're already dead!

Carmilla: Mmmmm. [the sexiest 'mmmmm' I've ever heard]

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt XIII An Illustrated Addendum of Vampiric Vamping

Laura: [sheepishly] “Hey.” Carmilla: [aloof] “Hey.” Laura: “I’ve been thinking a bout what you said.” Carmilla: [shaking her head] “This isn’t somthing we have to talk about.” Laura: “I think maybe it is. ‘Cause, do I think what you did was brave and amazing? Of course, I do. But is it my reason for liking you? [pause] Whatever you were before, you were changing before you even met me. [we’ll take that as a ‘not really, no.’] Not helping your mother, trying to save Ell, not killing us when we had you tied-up for like, a week...” Carmilla: [melting] “Nine days.” [she’s not going to forget about that one!] Laura: [chuckles adorably] And you’re here, researching, making jokes in the face of the ominous ‘something’s coming’ threats!” Carmilla: [melted, seductively] “Well, how could you not fall for me then?” Laura: [sweetly flustered] “I’m pretty sure I was falling for you right from that stupid Zeta party.” Carmilla: “You mean the one where you ambushed me, *and* accused me of kidnapping?” [Yeah, just bring it up again, Sundance!] Laura: [chuckles again, always adorably] “I was...you know...terrified that you were planning to eat me. But, I am a little disappointed that we never got our chance to star-gaze and drink Champagne.” Carmilla: [touched] “Really? Because, if memory serves me correctly, there is a pretty impressive solarium on the roof of this building.” Laura: [very tempted] “And maybe something bubbly in that enormous wine cellar downstairs.” Carmilla: [also very tempted] “Mmmmm. I’m sure the... visiting professors had impeccable taste.” [Speaking of impeccable taste, these two lean into each other and kiss sweetly, passionately, twice. Laura stands up, taking her cardigan off, and leans to whisper in Carmilla’s ear] Laura: [whispering teasingly] “Race you!” [she dashes away, chuckling adorably] [Carmilla, amused, raises an eyebrow; a caption appears on a black screen reading: “Yeah... Carmilla won that race”]

--in Someting Wicked [S02E05]

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt X An Illustrated Addendum of Vampiric Vamping

Laura: [to the gentle viewers, vlogging from ‘swish new digs’ at Silas University] “Bet you’re surpised to find us here after the whole... fleeing thing.” Carmilla: “Or at least surprised to see you making a new video instead of snuggling up with your nice, warm--” [interrupts herself, to interest Laura in what she’s missing out, and kisses her sweetly, intensely and LOOK AT WHERE HER HAND IS!!!] Laura: [is clearly, clearly enjoying this, then remembers the webcam is always fucking on] “Mmmmm... Uhhhhh, wow there, Lady killer! Recording the PG-13 version of our happy ending here.” [Really Laura, really?!!] Carmilla: [NOT REMOVING HER HAND YET] “PG-13, how incredibly dull!” 

--in Brave New World [S02E01]

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt VII

Laura: [as Carmilla is reading the Giant Sumerian Book; girls who read Sumerian are so hot] So... Thanks, by the way, for coming with us to the library.

Carmilla: I thought we were never speaking of that again?

Laura: [chuckles] Yeah. [attempting another ouverture] You came along 'cause you want to know what happened to her, didn't you? [Yes, bring up the ex, very smooth, Sundance, very smooth!] So you're hoping that you can save her somehow?

Carmilla: [sighs] Don't start expecting heroic vampire crap from me, Cupcake. If I know better than to mess with my mother, I sure as Hell know better than to spit in the eye of something old enough to think it's a god. Besides, the wench is dead.

Laura: [raising her eyebrows, sassy as fuck] So are you, doesn't seem to be putting the death in your social life! [sighs an adorably infatuated smile] Besides, if you want me to stop having heroic notions about you (I legit heard "erotic notions" the first time I watched this episode, because Laura thought it so loudly, Ed.), you should probably stop saving my life. [But please don't stop, please don't stop!]

Carmilla: [raising an eyebrow, sultrily] Then, who would buy the cupcakes?

[Laura *swoons* in the most adorable manner, the giddiest of giddies]

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt XIV

Carmilla: [to Mattie, her sister who's just come back to Silas (from Morocco so understandably begrudgingly) and is feeling like 'pulling Laura apart at the limbs'. Charming] I won't let you hurt her.

Mattie: [full of amazing sass] Let? Who are you kidding, Kitty Cat? Unless you have that ceremonial Killer sword stached somewhere in your déshabillé, you're out of your league.

Carmilla: Doesn't matter!

Mattie: [laughs heartily] Oh, God! You went and fell in love with one of the marks again, didn't you?

Carmilla: [suddenly adorably flustered] Oh.

Laura: [sweetly flustered too] Uh, love?

Carmilla: No one's said anything about-- y'know... [of course not; only your eyes, your lips, your body language, protecting each other, and that star-gazing date you two just had!]

Mattie: You little sap!

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt VIII               An Illustrated Addendum of Vampiric Vamping

Laura: [impressed and obviously touched, when Carmilla says she’ll get that goddamn sword at the bottom of the Ocean or whatever] “That would be... I mean you’d be risking your life, and if your mother found out, she would--” Carmilla: “Yeah, well. My mother fed the only person I cared about to a monster. And maybe I don’t feel like letting it happen again.”  [that surprised look of hers, dreading for a second she might have said too much] Laura: [liking what she heard very much]  “Wow, that’s... [sighs sweetly] I mean, I know that you’re not just doing it for me, but seriously--” [here we go!] Carmilla: [already tired of this heroic vampire crap notion, the first time Laura mentions it] “Don’t be an idiot! Of course, I’m doing it for you.”  [she stands up as she says so, was she going to kiss Laura. She totally was going to kiss Laura, until *spoilers* Mother possessed her. Can’t two enamored girls make out before saving the world!]

--in Of Hearts and Holy Hand Grenades [S01E31]

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt III

Laura: [angrily, and maybe slightly jealous too, closing the door while a tied-up Carmilla is seizing] I swear, if one more of your broken-hearted "study buddies" come knocking at that door, I'm gonna start spritzing them like...[she finally realizes the vampire is not doing well] cats. [worriedly] Carmilla! No! No, no, noooo-ooh, please don't die! Please don't die, you stupid vampire! [grabbing a mug] Here, look, I've got blood! [she helps Carmilla drink] Aaah!

Carmilla: [after taking a sip, seeming better] Oh.

Laura: [obviously relieved] Oh, thank God!

Carmilla: Damnit!

Laura: [sweetly concerned] Do you want some more?

Carmilla: [understandably begrudgingly] Fine!

[Laura holds the mug to her mouth, Carmilla drinks]

Carmilla: Where'd you get that?

Laura: Uh, we figured you might need some leverage, so LaFontaine got it from the campus hospital. She told them it was for an experiment about hemapha...gy... You've got a little something right-- [she tries to wipe Carmilla's mouth, Carmilla recoils] What?

Carmilla: The experience of being held captive by a clutch of imbeciles for something I didn't have the pleasure of doing, is humiliating enough without having you wipe me up like a dribbling child. [and yet she looks very appealing]

Laura: Look, if you really want me to believe you didn't do it, you have got to explain what you were doing at those parties. 'Cause the night we caught you, it sure looked like you were about to eat me!

Carmilla: [pained] Wait, you thought that was me trying to eat you?

Laura: Well, if you weren't trying to eat me, then what were you trying to d-- [Carmilla raises an eyebrow and she *finally* gets it] Oh. Ooh! [unable to contain the giddiness] So when you were hitting on me, you were *really* hitting on me?

Carmilla: Yes. And you were luring me into a trap.

[Laura chuckles. Giddily]

Carmilla: [mortified] Could you just stake me now, 'cause I think this would be less mortifying than this conversation!

Laura: [the giddiest of giddies] Wow! That is...

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt II

Carmilla:[enters the dorm room, all sexy and dramatic, wearing a corset and holding a bottle of Chamapgne and a couple of flutes; ogles Laura appreciatively] Don't you look like a virgin sacrifice!

Laura:[also ogling Carmilla, also appreciatively] I'm not the one in a corset, which... Wow! [glancing at the Champagne and glassware] Also, what is happening there?

Carmilla: Well, the more I thought about a bonfire with these lack-wits, the less interested I was. A party should be a shimmering moment of possibility. Not a collection of brutes around a piece of flaming driftwood. So, I brought the party here.

Laura: The party being dancing in the hallway and... ludicrously expensive Champagne, where did you even find that?

Carmilla:[gazing seductively at Laura] I have my methods. They served Champagne at the first party I ever attended.

Laura: [raising her eyebrows, suspiciously] You say that like it was a hundred years ago?

Carmilla:[pensively] It feels like more than that. Like something seen underwater, from a great distance. God, I'm a nostalgic idiot tonight! [Looking at Laura's wrist, cooly] You're not wearing your charm.

Laura: Oh, yes. It just-- didn't go with my outfit.

Carmilla: Oh. You shouldn't have taken it off, it's not going to work if you're not wearing it!

Laura:[nervously] Oh, I'll be sure to tie back my bat-wing bracelet first thing!

Carmilla:[stung] If you didn't like it, you could have just said something.

Laura:[more nervously, grabbing her phone] No, I totally liked it, it was really nice of you to think of me.

Carmilla:[annoyed, seeing Laura text] What are you doing?

Laura: Uh, just texting and the girls, see if maybe they wanna join-- [Carmilla yanks the phone off Laura's hands] Uh... Hey!

Carmilla:[seductively] Maybe I don't feel like sharing you right now.

Laura:[who didn't quite pick up the obvious come-hither, focusing on the brooding] That'd had sound more flattering if that didn't make me sound like a canapé.

[Carmilla chuckles and rolls Laura's chair closer to the bed where she sits]

Carmilla: [very seductively] God, what am I doing? Naive provincial girl, entirely too tightly-wound, such a cliché... I ought to know better.

Laura: Gee, thanks.

Carmilla: And yet, there is something about you.

Laura: Maybe it's my keen fashion sense?

Carmilla: No, it's definitely *not* that.

[canadachronicles]

Stupid Sexy Vampire: The Carmilla Book of Flirt I

Laura: [emphatically, as she notices Carmilla in their dorm room, while she was recording herself, blabbing about her and her possible connection to the kidnappings of girls] Hey! I'm not doing anything!!

Carmilla: [sassily] Sure. Your Snape-Ron fic's still on the screen, spaz! I just came to bring you this.

Laura: Is that a dried bat wing?

Carmilla: Yeah, it's a charm or whatever. To help with the bad dreams.[She ties a bat-wing bracelet on Laura's wrist] You're annoying, but if you burn out from sleep deprivation, they'll probably replace you with someone even more OCD. The devil you know, you know?

Laura: Um, thank you.

[Carmilla smiles]

Laura: So, in the spirit of all this newfound closeness, maybe you could tell me where you go all night?

Carmilla: [smiling] Mmm! Well, I have to keep some of my secrets. Otherwise I'll lose my air of mystery, won't I?

[Carmilla exists, draped in an air of mystery]

Laura: [pleasantly puzzled, to the camera] Was that...? Was she just flir...?