#She thinks herself as less than worthless because of her guilt and shame

[some-pers0n]

Feeling. normal! 😁

[gayeilgeoir]

You all seemed to like this the last time I did this so we’re doing it again. Here’s a radical feminist analysis of Taylor swift’s feminist songs! I’ve done The man, so I’m moving onto Mad Woman, one of my favourite personal songs of hers.

A summary of this songs overarching meaning is that as a woman, your reactions are judged tenfold. You are instantly more dramatic, more violent. Here, Taylor embraces it, she realises she cannot fight to be seen as a “nice girl” and also as a dignified human being who stands up for herself.

“Does a scorpion sting when fighting back? They strike, to kill and you know I will”

Here, she calls her response and anger towards the misogynistic backlash she received inevitable. She does not claim to be innocent, likening herself to a scorpion and calling her anger a fight, but she does not believe that fighting back villainises her, it’s an inevitable result.

“What do you sing on your drive home?…fuck you forever”

Here, Taylor paints an image of her haunting the narrative of the life of the people who have hurt her. She imagines their guilt, heading her music, seeing her face and she reveles in it. She is ending the phase of her life where she forgives and forgets, let’s people walk over her and does not advocate for herself. Here she delights in the guilt and suffering of the people who have made her suffer.

“Every time you call me crazy I get more crazy, what about that?”

Here, Taylor disallows the use of her pain and anger as weaponry against her. She refuses to let misogynists shame her for her anger and use it to prove their own point of her being over dramatic. She does not play into their image, but makes it useless

“And you’ll poke that bear till her claws come out and you find some thing, to wrap your noose around”

This refers specifically to being a woman in the public lens . Having yourself picked apart, every detail of your scrutinised within an inch of its life until you finally crack and your human reaction to being aggravated for years is used to defame you. One woman will be tolerated by all, but to do so, she must devote herself to all. She has to be constantly making herself smaller to not step on others toes and make them feel bad about themselves, she must not be too proud of everything she has fought for, because being famous and a woman, means if you are not completely the pinnacle of patriarchal womanhood, you’re shot down because you’re sending a message to young women and girls that they can be something else.

“And women like hunting witches too, doing your dirtiest work for you”

I’ll try my best not to name and shame, but I think we all know who this line refers to. She talks of a woman who serves the patriarchy by putting down other women. She belittles and degrades women for little reason to make men like her more. “Doing your dirtiest work for you” refers to being a vessel of misogyny, if a man you hates tells you you’re ugly and worthless, It hurts a lot less than a female friend saying the same thing.

“The master of spin has a couple side flings, good wives always know. She should be mad, she’d be scathing like me but no one likes a mad woman”

The “good wife” in this analogy is a woman who lets people walk over her, accepts abuse and allows men to treat her badly. She becomes an accessory to a man the acceptance of his bad behaviour. “She should be mad” means Taylor is saying that it’s a pity these women feel the need to be subservient to be accepted, and they need to learn that they can be loved and fulfilled without devoting all of themselves to patriarchal ideals

[manslaught]

it feels worthless, finding out now that tai wanted to hear from her, because it doesn't change anything. it only makes mikayla feel worse, knowing that if she'd just tried a little harder, asked for some help from the few people willing to visit her, maybe everything could have been different. and then she gets even more irritated, because she shouldn't be the one feeling like she should have done more— not when it should have been tai in the first place. still, she offers a sigh of relief, because she's sick of having to justify herself for what she didn't do, for the way she felt.

mikayla finds it difficult to believe her, because if tai really cared, she would have checked on her, somehow. maybe she did, without mikayla finding out, but she doubts it; mikayla never had to do the same, always being offered information by misty, just to upset her— but it was enough for mikayla to know that tai was okay, that she didn't need mikayla to check on her. but how was taissa able to stomach it, not knowing? “ but you never— checked. so how much did you actually care? ” she levels her voice, sounding more genuine than accusatory, finally. mostly, she just wants to understand how tai could possibly hope for the best, yet never do anything beyond that.

she frowns, unsure of what to think of tai's response. she's not entirely sure what she wanted to hear, because a part of her hates the idea of tai being happy with someone else, the idea that she could be fine without her, but the less selfish part still wanted that for her, no matter how much it hurt. she just stares, unable to come up with anything to say, even anything to hurt her. asking tai if she thought she'd be happier with mikayla is obviously not an option, not just because of the wives waiting for them at home, but because her pride stands in her way.

tai's laughter annoys her, because she wanted her to be jealous, wanted her to hurt— and maybe it still did, but the reaction doesn't feel satisfactory enough for her. she's surprised when tai doesn't tell her the same thing, but she's thankful for it, although she's sure that she went through plenty of hookups before finally meeting her wife, the same as mikayla. she only wonders if it felt as empty for her as it did for mikayla— if she felt disgusted with herself the first time she touched someone else, because mikayla can still remember the way it happened for her. she can hardly remember the woman she slept with, because she didn't matter, but the guilt she felt was unforgettable. it was a different shame than what she would feel in high school, because she no longer hated herself for being with girls, but instead for being with anyone other than taissa. but what choice did she have? tai didn't seem to be coming— and mikayla felt in her gut that she was doing the same thing, hooking up with other people, so she couldn't just wait around and hope she was wrong.

“ i proposed to her after— ” she stops herself, knowing she can't tell her the truth. after i found out you had a kid sounds ridiculous, even if that's the truth, because mikayla never imagined herself marrying calypso until then, and only because she felt like she had to prove to misty that she moved on, that she didn't need her to constantly call to update mikayla on a woman who didn't seem to want her in her life at all. “ a few years. ” she finishes slowly, before clearing her throat and going on, hoping to distract from the fact that that clearly wasn't what she was going to say. “ we've been married for seven. i tried to invite nat, but she was... i don't know. busy, i guess. ” or uninterested. mikayla never got any sort of response, so she's not sure— she just told herself it didn't matter, because a part of her only invited her in hopes that she might tell taissa about it, the same way she hoped for with allie.

facing her mother hadn't been as difficult as she thought it would be. swallowing her pride had been the worst of it, but the possibility of rejection didn't bother her— that's the difference between turning to taissa and turning to her mother: she always knew her mother didn't love her, didn't care, so the rejection wouldn't have disappointed her, but it wouldn't have destroyed her, the way it would have coming from tai. “ i didn't have her. i just had her money. ” her mother tried, awkwardly, to be there for her, letting mikayla know she could come to her for anything, talk to her about anything. but that only made her angrier, knowing that the only reason she was offering her these things was because mikayla threw it all in her face, called her out for abandoning her. or worse, she only hoped that mikayla might open up about what happened out there, as hungry for details as the rest of the public. either way, she was still alone.

“ i wouldn't call it a relationship. ” a professional one, at best, which seems to work for them. mikayla still doesn't know what it's like to have a mother, a real mother, but she's convinced herself she doesn't need that— although she sometimes wonders if it would have helped, being able to cry to her about her heartbreak, to find comfort in her mother's arms, the way others are lucky enough to do. but it was far too late for that, their relationship too severed by aphrodite's choice to leave her behind. “ but she helped me, at least. i needed that more than i needed a mom. ”

it makes her feel ridiculous, like a teenager, the way she almost gets excited when she detects some ounce of jealousy in tai's response, suddenly feeling more awake, the exhaustion momentarily leaving her body. maybe that's the reason she's not able to stop the giggle that erupts from her lips— genuine laughter, for the first time all night, a sound that feels unfamiliar to her own ears, because she can't remember the last time she didn't have to force it. tai doesn't deserve it, but it's the lightest she's felt all night, although mikayla knows it won't last for more than just a few seconds, so it's hard to make herself cut it short, but she manages. “ yeah, she's... good. ” again, not the response someone in love would give, but she's not interested in talking about her wife, especially not to her.

that's the problem— mikayla wants to be able to count on taissa, wants to believe she won't let her down again, but she can't. not when she let her down so badly in their youth: if taissa wasn't able to be there for her when she was supposedly in love with her, how could mikayla possibly expect her to be now? “ i'm not making that mistake again, tai. ” she sounds more sad than angry this time, because it's not meant to throw tai's mistakes in her face for once. “ but i know you'd want to help... them. ” which is just about the only reason she trusts tai to call if someone happens, because clearly, she'd wanted to be there for the others more than she wanted to be there for her. and while it hurts, makes her want to ask why they deserve it more than mikayla did, she's tired of letting herself dwell on it.

“ well, give me your phone, ” she scoffs. somehow, she manages not to comment on how long it's taken for them to get to this point, how they should have been able to do this years ago. when tai offers her the phone, she makes the mistake of not looking at her as she takes it, so their hands brush in the process. she almost drops it, because just the briefest touch felt more electric than anything she's felt in years, felt since her, her skin suddenly on fire. she wishes more than anything that she didn't still feel this way, because it feels too similar to how it felt back then, but she's not allowed to feel that way anymore. she shouldn't.

it's only after she's put her contact into her phone that mikayla notices the dirt, wedged between the phone and the case. her brows furrow, because she thinks back to their time out there— remembers the times when she'd find dirt on tai's fingers, her mouth. it could be nothing, could have just been from dropping her phone at some point, but then mikayla glances back at tai's bandaged hand, getting a sinking feeling in her stomach. is it happening again? is she allowed to ask? mikayla forces herself to look away, deciding that she's not, that if tai wanted her to know, she'd tell her. “ don't sign me up for any of your campaign calls, ” she says instead, handing the phone back, but this time, she pays more attention, eying her fingers for any signs of dirt.

tai frowns,   and then she gets frustrated,   an argument on the tip of her tongue.   but what is her defense,  really?   if the roles were reversed,   she never would have picked up that phone for fear that she’d only been rejected.   she didn’t give mikayla a window,   she didn’t leave her any other options.   she waits a moment too long before saying anything,   but finally,  her head turns to her,  not looking all the way.   ❝  i did,  ❞   she says,  her nose scrunching because she knows it’s not doing her any favors to hear that now.   they can’t change the past,  no matter how badly tai has tried for years.   ❝  —  but i know.    i know i gave you no reason to think i did,  ❞     she adds.    

it's not a satisfactory answer for someone who seems to be doing so much better.   but it also sounds more truthful than a simple 'yes,'   and for that,   taissa can respect it.   but she's already reading too far into her words,   the way she sounds,   the pause between them.     she's glad she's doing better,    she always hoped she would get there,   but there's something enticing about it,  drawing taissa in,   making her too curious.     ❝   i'm  .  .  .   glad to hear that.   ❞     she pushes out a breath,   willing to give her something genuine,   something that isn't protected by her own shield.    ❝   i always hoped for the best for you,  ❞     she says honestly,   even if right now,   she can't shake the feeling that mikayla could be even better off with her,    because it's not her place anymore.    she's supposed to be happy herself,   too.   she can't let her mind wander like that.    maybe hoping for the best for mikayla hadn't included the thought of her with another woman,   something she has to come to terms with now,   if mikayla really is happy —  but she glances her way,   a brow raised,   a subtle hint to tell her happiness isn't that simple.

she faces the road again,   because this is a question that hasn't mattered to her in years.   she's come to accept that happiness is simply unobtainable,   and maybe that's okay.   she can still be successful and still follow her dreams without worrying about where happiness fits into it all.    focusing too much on that means sacrificing something else,   at least that's what she's always told herself,    so she can settle for the perfect wife even if she doesn't know how to give herself to her fully,    and she can settle for a kid who she loves but hadn't necessarily been in her plans,   because at least she's not alone,   at least there's something trying to fill the void.   it doesn't need to be happiness.    ❝  i don't think 'happiness' is easy for people like us,  ❞     she admits,   though she'd never say that to anyone else.    and though her words are referring to all of the survivors who are just trying to keeping going,   that's not all she means —  people like the two of them,    who are supposed to be together but aren't.     how are they supposed to be happy like that?    a small smile forms on her lips again,  but it's empty as she shrugs her shoulders.    ❝  yeah.    everything i wanted,  ❞   she repeats,     a dullness to her words,   making it all too obvious that she doesn't believe that,  even if she's supposed to be keeping up with appearances.

she frowns,   because though she had to assume,   the confirmation just makes her feel worse.   that's always been the worst thing for taissa  —  dealing with the unknown,   questioning something forever,  no real answers.    and yet,   she left mikayla like that,   always left to wonder.    it would've made her sick to her stomach if the roles were reversed;   she doesn't know how mikayla's even able to sit here with her now.   ❝  i did,  ❞     she repeats mikayla's words in the same tone,   taking a deep breath as she sits with it,   leaving it at that.

taissa flinches,   sinking down into her seat because it's like they're teenagers again,   protecting themselves against each other with harsh words.   except this time,   she knows mikayla isn't playing any games.   she's honest,  and she's pleading her,   and as much as tai wants the truth settled,   she knows she owes her this,  too.   ❝  — okay,  ❞    she says,  almost determined to talk herself out of it,  to get the last word somehow,   but she thinks better of it,   pursing her lips together and giving her one small nod.    still,  it leaves her wondering if anything is lingering for mikayla,    if she still wonders about her the way tai tries so hard not to wonder about mikayla.   

even though it stings,  it brings an amused response out of taissa,   again with the empty laugh slipping from her lips.   she calms after a moment,     offering a generic response.   ❝  good for you,  ❞    she says.   and it could be so easy for her to say the same,   that that's how she tried to get through losing mikayla — sleeping with any woman who didn't care to dig up her past,   then leaving her as soon as they were finished,  rarely ever committing the women's names to memory.    but not a single one of them filled the void mikayla left.    she holds back, though, because while it may be instinct to try to one-up her,   the way they used to,   she's in no position to keep hurting her more than she already has,   so she leaves it at that.   she knows mikayla deserves her chance to fight back.

she can't stop her eyes from rolling,   because mikayla's wrong;   calypso is not the only person who ever cared for her,   and it disgusts her to think about now,   this other woman feeling like she's done something no one had done before when tai loved her as deeply as she did.   she should be relieved to know that someone was there for mikayla when she failed to be,   but her jealousy eats away at her  —just as her regret does,  knowing it could have been her to begin with.    her annoyance starts to calm when mikayla goes on,   because she hears how uninterested she seems,   and she's desperate to ask about it,   because mikayla should know well enough that tai can hear something in her words,   so she hesitates for a moment,   debating if she should ask more.   ❝   and .  .  .   you got married soon after?   ❞     she asks,   even though she's partly afraid of the answer.    but even if the answer is yes,   she can't fault her on it —  tai rushed into a marriage early on,  too,  because it felt like the next natural step,   a chance for tai to force her life to fall into place.   she's desperate to know what that was like for mikayla,   even if she doesn't deserve those answers.  

she frowns,   her mind overwhelmed with more questions that likely won't be asked.    she can't imagine what that was like for her,   already thinking of herself next to her when she did it,  supporting her,   reminding her that she didn't have to face that conversation alone.   she wishes mikayla had been braver than her,   that she just showed up anyway,   because tai would have helped.    it would have been the kick she needed to remind herself what mattered,   but it wasn't on mikayla to do that for her,   either.    ❝  that must have been hard for you,  ❞    she says quietly,   shaking her head after a moment because there are so many things she wants to say,   but she knows she has to be careful.    i wish i could have been there,   i wish you had me,   i wish we could've done it together —   but what good is a wish when she had been in control of her own actions back then,   and still chose to abandon her?   ❝   i'm glad you had someone.   even if it wasn't the person you thought it would be.   ❞    her jaw clenches,   because she didn't mean to imply herself,   but she hears it when she says it,   and her cheeks feel warmer,   almost embarrassed.    ❝   do you two have a relationship now? ❞     she asks,  unable to stop her curiosity,  because they may be strangers,   mikayla may not owe her the answers,   but it's coming from a place of tai still caring about her,   still wondering about her and how things are going for her. 

 she scowls,   because it's obvious that mikayla's only trying to get under her skin — but it works.   it works because she's already feeling her impending failure crush her,  and it works because she hates knowing there's a woman who mikayla loves,  who thinks tai was unworthy of her.   and maybe she was — that only makes it sting more.  selfishly,   she wonders if that's even true — would she have been there for her if she knew mikayla in prison?   or would it have been just as hard for her,   too?   ❝  sounds like the perfect woman,  ❞     she says,   returning the same pettiness with her sarcasm.    ❝  —except for her political choices,   apparently,  ❞    she adds.   

she's not expecting mikayla to say that,  and again,  she feels desperate to tell her everything now — tell her how relieved she was when it never happened again,   how much she wishes mikayla could have experienced those peaceful nights with her without the terror of waking up the way she did,   all her fears now that she thinks it's happening again,   because maybe it would help.   maybe that part of her is here begging her to go to mikayla,   to be open with her in a way she can't be with her family.  she wants to tell her every horrible thing that's clicked with her since waking up earlier tonight,   how awful she'd been to her kid when it's clear now that he hadn't been lying to her,  that maybe he was trying to protect her,   because she can't tell simone that.   she can't admit to being wrong,   but she also can't keep blaming sammy.    she takes a deep breath,   silent for a long moment before she turns her head to look at her,   a grateful look in her eyes.    ❝  i didn't,   either.   i mean —   letting you be there.  ❞     she'd been too scared to admit to it before mikayla had to discover it herself,  but she knew mikayla understood her insecurity.   she let mikayla see her,   the version of her that terrified tai,   and  she felt safer for it.   she didn't regret it no matter how exposing it felt,   even now.    and maybe,  she wouldn't regret opening up to her now -— but she's not ready to face that herself,  even.   

she scoffs,   because as much as she would love to have mikayla in her life,   to be there for her the way they used to be,   she can't imagine swallowing her pride and actually going to her.   but she also understands that it's a big offer,  coming from her,   and it does help,   hearing her actually tell her what she wants,   even if it's surprising.   it's hard for taissa to be there for the others,   still preferring to stay out of reach — but times like this matter.   and she'd still drop anything for shauna and nat when they're in real danger.   that's true for mikayla,   too,   even though she hasn't done a good job of making that clear.   ❝  you may not want to count on me,   but—   you can.   ❞    she looks over at her again,   her expression genuine,   hoping she takes her words to heart,   even if tai hasn't come close to earning her trust.    the look lingers for a moment before her brows furrow,   realizing she has no real way of contacting her.     she looks back at the road,   part of her just wanting to wait for mikayla to offer her phone number first,    but she urges herself to give in.     ❝  give me your number,  ❞     she insists,  keeping her eyes ahead and trying to avoid the feeling in her gut at the thought of having that access to her at all.   ❝  and i'll make sure we handle this shit together.  ❞   like they should have been doing from the beginning.

[trulyhumblenarcissist]

Abourt Rei Himura and BNHA Chapter 301

Now that I've read the official release of chapter 301 I can finally try to gather my thoughts. I think this time the particular rendition of dialogues and inflections provided by Caleb Cook is more crisp and clear than usual, especially in throwing "shade" upon Endeavor as a father figure. But let's do things in order...

Title: THE WRONG WAY TO PUT OUT A FIRE - a simple, but stark message that doesn't leave space for ambiguity. There was a fire, an imminent tragedy that could and should have been avoided, but whoever tried to fix it, did it all wrong and now we have to deal with a huge arson.

CARLESS HANDLING OF FIRE, on the other hand, doesn't quite cut it for me, because it seems like everything was caused by a foolish mistake. "I was carless and now I'm in a pinch"- type of situation, while it's perfectly clear that Endeavor and Rei decided purposefully which "strategy" to use with Touya. A BAD one to say it lightly. Rei's contribution and complicity is debatable, of course, and I'll touch on this later.

Let me get this clear though: I'm not trying in any way to critique the hard work of unofficial translators. I can't say anything relevant because I'm not a translator in the first place (I can barely understand English and my native language on a good day) and also because I am so grateful for everything they do in order to give us really good material FREE OF CHARGE basically a second after the release in Japan. I'm just interested about the different shades of subtext we can catch if we read the story through multiple filters. Every translation is unique because it carries the personal spin of the author even if the bias should be inexistent or ideally undetectable...

However, back to the chapter

REI'S CAGE

The first scene opens on a luxurious classic Japanese villa, with Enji, Rei and her parents discussing the motivation behind Enji's proposal. Or at least we initially think that's what's going on... Because in reality Rei's family couldn't care less about the motivation. Everything these people see is a wealthy, famous guy the next number one hero ready to take their daughter in marriage. I guess the Himuras are pretty broke, thight on cash, their old prestige is definitely gone and all they can do to save themselves from shame and poverty is "to sell" their only remaining asset.

During the whole ordeal, Rei is standing still, silent, cold as ice. She knows she doesn't really have a choice. How mortifying and sad is this? An adult, capable woman has no agency whatsoever, she is used again and again and she stoically accepts this treatment from every single dominant figure in her life until she can't be stoic anymore. I really hope Horikoshi's going to give her a much more proactive role in saving her family and it seems the narrative wants us to expect this type of character development.

I'd like to point out 2 panels in particular:

First one

In this scene the Todorokis are back from their trip to the doc, who clearly said they shouldn't try to conceive a child with a perfect quirk mix because it is dangerous (and morally questionable too). Rei understands this fact and tries to dissuade Enji, but he doesn't listen, because he's projecting all his pent-up resentment and frustration onto Touya. He knows how it feels to crush against an unbreakable wall, since he can't surpass All might and his son can't too. He had to learn this truth the hard way, so Touya needs to do the same. Enji is purposefully throwing upon his son years of failures, self consciousness and despair, just because the boy has to get it into his thick skull that he is a dud, just like his father. This is not a hopeless dad making a mistake bona fide, this is a broken man trying to destroy his self reflection by proxy, annihilating everything Touya is, swiping the kid's identity under the rug. He describes his son's dreams and sadness as something birthed from stubbornness. He is auto-convincing himself however (because Endeavor is not stupid). A little bit later he's basically saying: "Touya let's play make believe! We can go on like everything I had engulfed in your psyche never existed, you're a failed attempt so you don't exist. Your needs and wants are silly and useless, nothing worth dealing with now that I can't make you my prodigy. Why don't you go play with the other failures so that I don't have to look at myself while taking actually care of you. I don't want to see you, because it's too painful, because you're a remainder of my own inadequacy."

Note: If you want to read an incredibly well done analysis about Endeavor's motives and psyche, you can get it on @thyandrawrites , she's dwelt on everything extensively and way better than me.

I really want to talk about Rei though. In the panel I showed above, her expression is a bit tricky to analyse. At first she is very vocal about her position. She doesn't want to put Touya through useless suffering, especially since they have a scientific reason not to. They have no guarantee of success with other children, besides, they could possibly have to deal with other health related issues. However, all it takes to convince her in the end is Enji's half assed attempt at the "It's for Touya's sake" shtick. Is it really? Why doesn't she question her husband anymore?

Well... I think before Natsuo, she was probably hoping Touya would let go "naturally", with time and growth, maybe by taking interest in his other siblings. Rei said she wanted to have more children because in her mind they would have supported and loved each other. Maybe she was naive enough to think that a big family full of kids few years apart from each other was all Touya needed to distract himself from his purposes... BUT and here is the point I want to get across: She was deluding herself too, much like Enji. The ugly truth, in my opinion, is that Rei is a person prone to protect herself by going with everything other people want, especially if said people are capable of hurting her. Yes, she was hurt time and time again, but what would have happened if she really tried to stop Enji?

What I am trying to say is that Rei is the kind of person who endures to survive. She holds a "captive" mentality in which, by indulging her captor's desires, she can continue living with less possibile damage. If I stay still and silent, if I don't make a scene, I can go on, I can hold onto the few things I have that actually make me happy.

Let's think about it... Enji was so obsessed with his psychotic, power-hungry quest that he would have probably disown Rei. She would have been thrown away for a more compliant woman with an ice quirk, or something similar, this resulting in her probably losing everything, the respect and love of her family (the Himuras) and also her own children. Because we know Endeavor can definitely hold a grudge and is vendicative.

So, clarifying, Rei doesn't put up a fight because she is scared for herself in a way... She is scared to be hurt in the worst possible way (by losing her little bit of serenity), so her strategy is to endure and to keep up a facade of control and purpose.

Rei, ironically just like Touya and other characters in mha, doesn't really get what unconditional love is. Her family loves her until she can be useful to the Himura name and status, her husband loves her for her quirk. Her children, however, love her for who she is and she wants to stay with them... Only to be forced to leave them later anyway.

The few times Rei actually smiles are when she is with her babies. She is a deeply loving mother in her core, but her declining mental health makes her a very lacking caregiver.

This panel, in my opinion, shows the point of no return for Rei. She can't keep the glacial facade forever...

After Natsuo's turn to be deemed a failure, Endeavor is crazier than ever, because All Might is as popular and loved as ever and he hasn't make any progress into his eugenetic games. The last two images of Rei are very telling. She is exhausted, but she knows what her husband wants from her this time too. She looks like a lifeless doll and honestly I can easily see Shouto's conception as... Non consensual and I will stop here.

Then Shouto is born, the last, perfect specimen... And Rei isn't doing much for Touya, we can see she's apparently blind towards her eldest son's distress already after Natsuo's birth... But why?

Because she is actively avoiding to face the Touya's problems too.

If Touya is still suffering, is still feeling stressed and worthless, then everything Rei has endured, everything she pretended not to feel for the sake of her family has been completely useless. What Rei cannot look at is her own parental failure, is the concrete proof that while protecting herself and her peace she did not protect her children too, because the two interests were never really aligned, even if she really believed so. She never had a functional family to preserve in the first place and everything she accepted to do was all for the sake of a false sense of belonging.

However is too easy to say she should've rebelled against Enji and dumped his sorry ass. Abuse traps you and your abuser too in a cage tricky to escape.

What I imagine will happen next chapter is one of two things:

Enji stops Touya by using brute force, probably also saying something really scarring to reinforce the notion that Shouto is the only child he cares about.

Rei stops Touya by using her quirk. This act could be considered by Touya another confirmation that even his mother actually does something by her own accord only when Shouto's safety is at risk

Necessary conclusions

I don't blame Rei for her actions too much. She is a victim turned abuser by circumstances, but more importantly she's actually taken mesures to prevent herself from hurting her children again. She's trying to heal for her family's sake, really this time. Ten years spent dealing with guilt and having actual therapy seem a good plan to me. And now she's the one ready to snap Enji back to reality.

Enji, on the other hand, is trying too. It's too little too late, but if he stops avoiding reality and hardly works on understanding his family's point of view I don't think he is completely unredeemable. I don't see him surviving his last confrontation with Touya, thought... But I could be totally wrong.

Obviously everything I've said it's my personal analysis on Rei's character, as I interpret her actions and words, so feel free to contradict me and/or to add anything you might see fit.

[youwontlikethisblog]

I Don't Believe He Desires Me

Before I continue I want you to know I will be talking a lot more about Betty in this post and there will be a brief mention of r*** in this post.

I keep mentioning how Betty is more than just an insecure girl, that she's more complex than that but I don't really explain it all too well.

I've been lingering with this thought for quit a while now and though this is something that is mentioned in future episodes and I try not to bring such far away episodes into the breakdown of the current episode I feel like it's important to do so in this post.

Betty's first time.

We're still in the same day as Betty with her new look. Aura Maria and Betty are sitting outside talking and Aura Maria is asking her if she desires her boyfriend and Betty explains that their relationship is more than just seggs but an intelectual relationship where they talk about thought provoking subjects and things that stimulate their brains.

Betty has mentioned in the past when she's writing in her diary that she is really attracted to Armando in a physical sense but I noticed a hesitation from her when talking about this with Aura Maria and isn't only because she's not used to talking about this but for another reason because its while Aura Maria tells her that she might be weird if she doesn't even desire him to a small level or that he might be gay that Betty confesses that she is attracted to and that she does desire him. Betty isn't that uncomfortable talking about the subject with Aura Maria so why does she hesitate?

Her first relationship in the romantic aspect was traumatic on it's own however in the physical sense it was more than traumatic.

Betty thought of herself so hideous before Miguel that she thought no man would ever be interested in her until he came along. He really did force Betty to have feelings for him. He courted her, her sought her out and he manipulated her through small gifts and cards with poems and dedications that soon Betty started to develop feelings for him. Once he had her in love he plain out pressure her to have seggs.

Though we are only told the general story of it we can understand why it was painful.

See Betty in love has always been unconditional, she has been sweet, kind, loving, and faithful. She has been unwavering in loyalty. She wasn't any less of that in her relationship with Miguel. The same way she is right now with Armando and his gifts is the same way she was with Miguel. Miguel's attention built her self-esteem, it built her self-worth.

Miguel manipulated Betty's innocence's and her low self-esteem to serve his own agenda without ever feeling anything, not even empathy, towards Betty. He made her feel special, desired, wanted, and attractive to him. He worked so hard to build her self-esteem just to pressure her to sleep with him so he could win a bet.

How does this affect Betty to this day?

I once mentioned that to Betty this translated that she was so heinous that not even her love convinced Miguel to love her.

Diving in deep it translated to something so much worse.

[This is your warning to skip to the next [RED].]

Her first time must've felt like r**e in the after math. I've thought about this for so long that it's the only way I could ever explain it.

For Betty that first experience has left her feeling like no man would ever be attracted to her in a physical sense, that no man would ever be attracted to her because of her personality. That she is so disgusting, so worthless that no man would ever notice her and the one who did was horrified by her body and felt a disdain towards her as he had seggsual relations with her. She was left bare, naked, and destroyed and the entire neighborhood laughed at her expense. They spoke badly of her for what Miguel did to her. She herself said that he "Suggested" that they have relations and though at fist she didn't want to that she decided to because she loved him and she gave all of herself to him that first time.

Her first time is enveloped in guilt, shame, embarrassment, and self-hatred that it causes her to not aspire for more in the relationship she is currently in. To keep herself safe and away from harm she doesn't want to believe that Armando would ever be attracted to her in anyway other than admiration for her intelligence and she doesn't want to feel guilty or like she forced(r**p) him.

[You may proceed below.]

She doesn't aspire for Armando to be attracted to her in that sense. She doesn't aspire for Armando to desire her or want to sleep with her. She's content with the kisses, with the dates where they dance and have intelectual conversations. Though she does desire him, she doesn't aspire for him to feel the same way. In an effort to self preserve her subconscious pushes her to only view Armando as a man who isn't seggsually driven, however Betty is fully aware that he is and she denies this fact for the sake of her heart.

She knows that he is, she says it herself that night at the museum but this time Betty says that she doesn't want to pressure him to do something he doesn't want to(like desire her or have relations with her, again this goes in hand with the idea that she has that she is so hideous no man would ever be attracted to her enough to desire her and that if they ever did have relations with her it would be forced.)

While Betty and Aura Maria are having this conversation in another part of the city Armando and Mario are having the same conversation(huh I just realized both of these side kicks are named Maria, except well Mario is the male version... and they're talking about the same thing, interesting...).

Armando, scared, asks Mario if he really believes that Betty would jump his bones of those days, to which Mario says that Betty is crazy for him so he does.

In the previous post(Betty's New Look) I mentioned how these episodes are to push Armando to accept to some degree Betty's physical appearance and his attraction to her(even if it's based on personality it is still attraction) and that he also had to confront his inner self that he's Betty's boyfriend.

In this scene he not only has accepted this but he also accepts that he has a relationship with her as he tells Calderon that the relationship he has with Betty is based on more intelectual stuff.

Mario then goes on to say than what's the point of having a lover if all he's gonna with her is have cerebral conversations, that the point is to have as much s. relations and for it to be good.

Armando proceeds to say that that's why he has Marcela and that's the only thing that keeps them together.

Back to Aura Maria and Betty:

"Betty remember, nothing about cerebral relationships or intellectual or anything like that. A relationship is maintained by appearances, you keep it with the bed involved, mija, otherwise someone more experience comes along and takes him and you end up like the fool."

"No Aura Maria, truth be told, I think he admires me for who I am, for my knowledge, for my career but I don't think... I don't believe he desires me." she looks at her embarrassed and sadden.

"Ay Betty, be careful, because of that guy doesn't manifest himself seggsually break up with him, mija, break up because there's only two reasons. One he's gay or you don't inspire him at all." Betty looks off, worried and confused her self.

This is why Betty starts acting so...heavy in the next couple of dates because she's testing him to see if he does desire her, if he does want to be with her, if he is attracted to her because she knows! She is fully aware of how seggsual the man is.

Back to Mario and Armando.

Mario has now told him that s. is the best way to compliment a woman because it means you desire her however Armando tells him something.

"I don't desire her, I am not crazy about, especially now with that new look.(can't understand what he says at the end)"

When Mario and him talk about plastic surgery. He does entertain the idea but dismisses it when he says that Marcela wouldn't allow that as well as tell us that Marcela is so controlling that she checks his bank records. Personally, I don't care how many people think that Betty would agree to get that plastic surgery if Armando told her to, she wouldn't. She said it herself in previous episodes that she doesn't believe in plastic surgery and that true love goes beyond what is skin deep. She said so in the first episode and when Bertha was talking about getting lipo. She said that with her self-esteem being non-existing and having no ego and her ego has grown just a tad bit since starting that relationship with Armando.

Even in this same episode when Aura Maria tells her to get plastic surgery Betty tells her that she won't because that's for women who like to get attention, that she is more discreet. One could argue that for love Betty would do anything, but even for love she didn't go all out on her new look because though Betty is unconditional one cannot fight the subconscious nature of our brain and the desire to maintain itself safe so even if Armando did agree to the plastic surgery and told Betty about it she wouldn't go ahead because her issues are far beyond just skin deep and she knows that.

In the next scene Betty is faced with AA's picture on Armando's desk and we hear Betty remembering what Armando said about AA. As she stares at this picture Daniel walks into the office and clears his throat.

"How are you, Sir?" Betty hurried to stand by her office.

"Worried, displeased, surprised. You and I ma'am agreed that as soon as money came into the company that you'd deposite what was mine to my account and in my account there's nothing."

"Yes I understand, Sir. I'm embarrassed with you but we had to pay roster but by first hour tomorrow we'll deposite your money." Betty proceeds to smile. "You've got my word, Sir."

Daniel proceeds to look her up and down and tell her "Is your word as serious as your look." and her proud smile disappears. "'cause that attire, that hairdo, more than an assistant to presidency, you look like an circus assistant." Betty stares at him hurt.

"Excuse me?"

"Yes I know Armando is a clown and that this entire company is just clownery but that doesn't mean that you should be dressed like one. You have to have a little discretion."

Betty here tries to stand up for herself and tells him "Excuse me Sir but you're offending me."

"No the one that's offending here is you." and Armando is seen walking towards his office, through the open double doors we see him stop on his tracks and look at Betty. "What were you thinking? When you got dressed in that clothing? What went through your head when you were doing your hair? Did you think you looked devine?" Armando now looks at the back of the head of Daniel like a bullseye. "No ma'am you look worse, so much worse."

"Sir please, respect me. You're treading on something personal."

"Tsk tsk tsk. I'm butting into the imagine of my company. Do us the favor to come like a normal person. Are you convinced that because you have a boyfriend(Armando for a second unfocused and turned to look at Betty and then focuses again on Daniel and his anger) you can do what you want and finish with peoples retina? Please, pity humanity."

"Daniel Valencia." Armando prepares to yell at him furiously. "Get the hell out of my office! Now."

"Hello Armando." Daniel turns to him.

"Hello nothing! Get out of my office now! and stop disrespecting my assistant."

"The one who is disrespecting everything here is her. She is disrespecting aesthetics, the company, the retina. Someone with such an important title. Someone who practically manages the company under the incapability of her president. Someone who has under her command a company that designs style, fad, and color can't be dressed like that."

"What? Did you not understand me Daniel Valencia? Get out! Now!" Armando grabs him by the caller of his blazer and they spin(honestly this reminds me of valet lmbo).

"Sir, please."

"Out!"

"Be very careful. I am not one of your clowns. Don't you ever place your hands over me again."

"Oh no?"

"Much less push me."

"You didn't like that Danielito? You didn't like that?" He moves to grab him again but Betty goes to hold him back. "What then? What then!" He yells.

"Sir, please." Betty pleas.

"Get out!"

"I understand that you defend the economist but her bad taste?"

This retaliates in him understand that Armando in the past defended Betty's job in Eco Moda and that he was aware that she is smart but for him to defend her on something so personal, he doesn't.(You're blind, Danny boy).

"No then, Tarzan and cheetah(someone explain this to me... why cheetah? Tarzan killed it.)."

Now lets bring the previous post and this one to a concluding halt with the following break down.

After watching this exact scene so many times I feel confident in my understanding of what we are being shown and told here.

In this exact day, when Betty wasn't around, Armando showed to be upset and furious at Marcela, Patty, and Hugo for their jokes about Betty's new look and the jokes they were making about her boyfriend. Since Betty wasn't around we can conclude that it wasn't projecting or him faking it because he didn't have to prove anything to her right there since she wasn't even there.

Now in this scene Betty's eyes are always on Daniel, never drifting or shifting between Daniel and Armando but focused solely on Daniel and what he is saying. You can tell she's upset, hurt, feeling humiliated but even then she respectfully tries to stand up for herself. Since Betty hasn't taken notice of Armando in the background and Armando isn't even paying attention to Betty but solely focused on Daniel we can asume he isn't doing this for show but in fact feels furious at Daniel exclusively for the way he is talking to Betty.

For a moment though he does look away from Daniel and that's when he mentions that Betty has a boyfriend like all of a sudden he's been hit with the ole "Betty has a boyfriend?" and then realization comes "Right. I'm her boyfriend." and he returns to focus on Daniel. Why is that the thought I decided was in Armando's mind at the time? Because he blinks repeatedly and looks confused for a second before no longer being confused. It's either that or he wondered if Betty told him about the boyfriend or how he found out but decides not to care and only focus on his anger.

Armando up to this point has always been very composed towards Daniel, never shy to to show his dislike and even hatred towards him, however he's never been close to throwing hands. Even when he yelled at him to mind his business(RagTela telling betty they'd give her a commission of 10% if she got them the business deal with Eco Moda and Danny Boy went and snitched on her.) he did so because he was mad that he wouldn't let him do anything in the company without spying on him and he wanted to be left alone but he didn't even make a move to throw hands, he just yelled. This time, just like that night before, Armando is ready to throw hands.

Why does he do this with everyone else except Mario? With Mario, though he says that he doesn't like Betty's new look, that he doesn't have the imagination to sleep with her, and that she's ugly, he doesn't really talk make fun of her. He complains(this doesn't make it okay) but he doesn't say the really cruel things that Mario does and he says really bad things about Betty, like naming a list of all her physical flaws and not once does Armando stop him. He doesn't even tell him to shut up or look angry like in the past. This time he looks concerned, worried, and pained.

While yes he does hate that people devalue and disrespect Betty he doesn't have the balls to actually defend her to Mario and that plays such a huge role. It also shows that Armando is still very much in denial and ignorance towards his attraction to Betty.

Betty is visibly hurt here. She tries not to frown while Daniel says all these awful things to her and even then tries to be respectful while she defends herself. She don't need no man.

When Daniel leaves Armando takes notice of Betty's arms around him, holding him back and though he looks panicked for a second he rolls his eyes and turns to comfort her(see he's forced to place Betty's needs before his own).

"Easy Betty. I just don't like it when people mess with you, for them to bother your or make fun of you." He gently passes the back of his hand against Betty's face in an affectionate way(which he's been doing a lot more as their dates progress 😏).

"Don't worry, Sir, because he's right." Betty turns around and walks to her office while Armando disagrees. When Betty shuts the door to her office Armando stays in his and turns to look at the opposite direction, sits on his desk, and looks thoughtful.

Like I mentioned in the last post; Armando is being forced to accept Betty's appearance and not only because of what Mario told him but because he has witnesses everyone making fun of her while he is now having stronger feelings towards Betty.

This is such an important thing for him to achieve, not only because of his feelings but because this literally is what moves him to be more accepting of said feelings because you really do start to see Armando become more attentive to Betty. He becomes more affectionate, little by little like touching her face a lot more frequent(if I were Betty I'd tell him to keep his hands off my face because acne, like hello?) wanting to kiss her and not pulling away right away.

At the ending this all comes full circle. These episodes are critical to what happens on the B-Day episodes and Armando's reaction for not knowing it was her B-Day.

BONUS:

When Armando enters her office and tells her to not listen to Daniel Betty tells him that it wouldn't hurt her if was all just speculation but she thinks he's right about her new look. Armando lies and tells her her new look is great and she looks devine.

"Really Sir?" Betty looks at him, "Because It for you, only for you. So you could see me differently." She says timidly and laughs softly. Armando's entire expression softens and a smile creeps on his face while he stares at Betty.

He's happy to know that Betty would do something only to make him happy, which again, shows that Betty is the first person to ever truly love Armando while the same thing could be said that Armando is the first person to truly ever love Betty.

Though Armando is lying straight outta his...teeth this is different under context because he's not lying to keep Betty in an affair that means he gets to prove he's better than Nicolas and that Nicolas won't take away his company which is a disguise for his fear that he'll take Betty(though he is worried about Eco Moda too except it's not really his main priority). This time Armando is lying to her to not destroy her self-esteem. In his mind what he is doing is telling her a white lie while also convincing her to go back to her old look. Yes he's lying here but at least it isn't all based on selfish things.

Imma be real with ya, it really concerns me how they NEVER shut the doors in his office whenever they're having "romantic" moments in the office, like yeah son no one is going to walk in there and overhear y'all talking about love and ish.

Anyway again, I need sleep.

'Til next time :)

[journal-of-an-outlaw]

Red Dead Secret Cupid

Happy Valentine’s day @boedkerillustrations ! I hope you enjoy your angsty piece about Arthur, it was fun to write!

Arthur leaned up against a brick wall, enjoying the shade on the hot summer day at the park in Saint Denis. Droves of people swirled around him, mingling and mixing together with the same ebb and flow of a river moving leisurely around a rock. To be honest Arthur enjoyed the indirect attention. It allowed him to watch the people fret over little details of their day that seemed oh so important in the moment but tomorrow would be forgotten. The colors of their dresses. Who was coming to dinner. Where they should vacation next. 

Blah, blah blah. 

Talk was a worthless currency to a walking dead man. It didn’t matter. But stealing these little moments away drowned out the other words that constantly rang in his ears. 

Get yourself somewhere warm and dry. Progressive disease. Coughing. Blood. I’m so sorry, son. 

He pulled out a cigarette and held the lit match a few inches away, frozen between two impossible choices. Arthur knew he had no time left, that much the good doctor made clear. Did he spend his days burning the candle at both ends because there was an end in sight? Or did he cautiously move forward, save any and all strength he had to help the gang and those living longer than him?

But he took too long to decide. The match burned out and he dropped it and the cigarette both to the ground and crushed them with his boots out of habit. It seemed all his choices were made for him lately. He had lost his control. But that didn’t matter anymore. He knew that now. 

“Need a light?”

The gentle voice startled Arthur. A woman about his age moved along the wall, resting in the same pose and staring out into the crowd. The clothes were new, but that face he would recognize anywhere. 

“Lydia Jacobs. I’ll be damned.”

“Good to see you too, Morgan. Been too long,” her smile stretched wide and Arthur couldn't help but give one back as her brown eyes crinkled at the sides just like they always had. 

The pair met years ago but their time together was brief. Alone and desperate, she cornered Dutch in a bar begging for a safe place to lay her head for awhile, not knowing what she was getting herself into. Dutch had a soft spot for women in need. He liked to play the savior. He brought Lydia back to the camp he and Arthur shared and watched the two connect instantly. Lydia was no gun slinger, in fact she had been left behind as bait for another group for being too posh, but over the weeks learned enough to defend herself if needed. 

An expensive perfume wafted Arthur’s way with hints of jasmine and vanilla. He breathed in the pleasant scent and tried to remember if it was what she used to wear all those years ago but he couldn't quite recall the specific notes.

“It’s been, what, nearly ten years since I saw you? What are you doing here?” 

“I’m actually hunting a bounty. I know, I know, strange to hear,” she laughed at his bewildered expression. “But it’s a good income and I get to leave the city behind.”

“Though you’d be married, living in the city by now.” 

“Nah, that wasn’t the life for me.” 

Arthur watched her curiously, her eyes darting away at her words to look at anything but him. His own slanted but he was distracted as she scratched the back of her neck, her gloves catching his attention. 

“You kept those old things?” 

He hesitantly reached out for the white leather, time and use wearing them down to look much less like the fine things he purchased when he thought himself in love. Lydia smiled and held her hands out to admire them. Arthur was twenty-seven when he found the gloves and knew right away the woman warming his bed back at camp had to have them. A rose pattern etched across the backs made them unique, he had never seen anything like it. She squealed at the gift. But that hadn’t kept her from leaving the next week when the time came. 

Watching her now Arthur was reminded that Lydia’s hands were no longer soft and delicate. That the skin was probably hardened from years of gun fights and horse reins. He never forgot what they got up to when the roughest thing she touched was his bed sheets in the throes of something a bit more reckless. Those memories made him blush and he coughed to hide his deepening cheeks. 

“‘Course I kept them. One of my most prized possessions,” her words broke Arthur or his reprieve and brought him back to the present.

As Arthur opened his mouth a cough burned his throat, his question dying on his tongue as he hacked in pain. He turned in embarrassment and shame, the disease inside of him bursting at the surface no matter how hard he fought to keep it contained and in control. Lydia’s brow pulled together in concern but he waved her off with a gruff. 

“‘M fine,” Arthur wheezed. 

“You don’t sound it.” Her response was flat and sarcastic. “We should move somewhere else, there are too many eyes here.”

Together they made their way away from the midday crowd gathered for picnics and social gossiping in the town park and towards the outskirts of Saint Denis, passing the tailors before crossing the street and continuing on. Lydia was headed towards the garden house when Arthur grabbed her arm to stop, needing to lean against a fence for support as he began coughing again. 

“Arthur, have you seen a doctor?”

The words were meant innocently enough but they sent panic burning below Arthur’s skin. He gripped absentmindedly at his ribs, half wishing he could either rip out the infested organs pumping life into his failing body or that anyone listening would answer his prayer. He didn’t want to die. The thought terrified him. But even he knew his bed was made and it was time to lie in it. 

“I fell,” he spoke softly, guilt and pride not allowing his voice to carry far beyond his companion. “Down some street by the docks and a fella carried me to the doctor. Felt like a horse stepped on my chest.” For a moment the sunlight reflected off Lydia’s sweet brown eyes and her dark skin and Arthur was lost in the beauty that wasn’t tainted by his bad decisions. “He said it’s, uh, tuberculosis.” Lydia tried to control the sharp inhale to hide her emotions. “All those bad deeds finally caught up to me.”

“Arthur,” sympathy laced her words. “You know that ain’t fair. You put a lot of good out into this world.”

“Did I?” The laugh barely passed his lips. “The view from here is…”

Dismal. Petrifying. Bleak. 

“We all have a limited time on this earth. I know things have always felt a bit out of your control but what you did mattered.” Arthur snorted half-heartedly. “I know I can’t change your mind in one conversation. I won’t try. But please, know that you saved me. I am living proof that you did something good.”

“Ms. Jacobs, no offense but you’re hunting bounties for a living. That ain’t what I’d call -”

“I am happy, and that is what matters most. I owe that to you. Spent my whole life doing what I love and I don’t regret it for a second. Which does bring me to why I’m here,” Lydia laughed as she pulled a folded up paper out of her pocket. “I’m hunting a bounty who’s, well, you.”

Arthur took the poster and examined the drawing. “Could have made it something more flattering. Doesn’t even look like me.”

“Especially not now.” Lydia meant the words as a joke, but silently cursed as she froze.

Arthur Morgan spent most of his life running. After thirty-five years he was finally slowing down. The bags beneath his eyes were dark and his cheeks hollowed. He didn’t just look tired, he looked…

“Well,” Arthur sounded dejected. “At least I know you’ll use the money well.”

“I’m not bringing you in, cowboy. I just came to warn you.” His eyebrows raised at her words. “Not only do we have a history, Arthur, but now it’s not...I won’t put a sick man in jail.”

At least she didn’t dance around the subject. Arthur didn’t want to hide behind the fact that TB was a disease nearly no one survived. He knew the odds. Not only did the thought of ceasing to exist send terror through him but he worried about those he was leaving behind. 

Would John and Abigail ever have a home? Would Jack grow up like his father? Would Molly ever leave Dutch’s side?

His mentor and brother had been...different of late. Aggressive. Rash. Frightened. Arthur would never admit to anyone the flashes he saw in Dutch’s eyes when a decision came down to the wire but his heart recognized what it was. At first he ignored it. They were simply the emotions brought about by the decay of time and a friendship that passed every test they had hurled at them, nothing more. But more and more Arthur’s conscience would not allow the debate to happen; his words lashing out before he could think through the consequences of berating Dutch alone or in front of others and often had to hear how much he betrayed him by speaking up. 

Subconsciously Arthur pushed a thumb across his palm to distract himself from the tightening of his throat and the tension behind his eyes. In truth he was terrified. There was no use fighting, but that didn’t take away his instinct to try. 

“Not sick, Lydia. Dying.”

“How do you feel?”

Gently she took one of his hands in her own as they stood against the fence on the outskirts of the city. Life buzzed all around them; kids playing games, animals eating grass, adults doing chores. The mundane tasks made Arthur want to shake these people awake. Didn’t they know there was only so much time on this earth? Why were they wasting it hanging up clothes? That didn’t matter, none of it did. They should be running away, taking those they loved with them, and ensuring they prospered in happiness and love. Not money or things. 

“Doesn’t matter how I feel. Just have to keep...keep…” His words cut off with another cough. Lydia’s heart broke for the man she once loved and fought back tears of her own, the shuddering gasps of Arthur’s laboured breathing shattering the illusion she had built up from her memories. This man had no fight left in him. Not for himself. “I got people to take care of.” 

Lydia nodded sympathetically, watching his resolve harden. Arthur pulled his shoulders back and pushed off the fence to stand tall once again. 

“You’ll do it Arthur, I’m sure of it. They’ll be okay,” something caught Arthur’s eye over Lydia’s shoulder as she spoke and he tried to hide the flash of recognition on his face. “Someone you know?”

“Yeah, a friend. Lydia, I should…”

“Of course.” She glanced back to see a dark skinned man with two horses approaching. He wore a blue shirt and an apprehensive look. “Just know if you need me for anything Arthur, I’m only a letter away. If there’s anything I can do, anyone I can look after, if you need a place to run away to, please just…”

Her words trailed off with the realization this would be the last time she would see him in this life. Arthur was always a figure in the back of her mind who came to fruition every now and then. A reminder that the cards she was dealt didn’t have to be her only ones. And now, to know he was dying in such an awful way, it took everything she had not to break down into tears. 

“Sorry I couldn't help with that bounty, real shame he was gone before you got there.”

“Arthur,” she whispered.

But he waved a hand at her tone. “I’m nothing anymore. We both know I wouldn’t survive the way the world is going, seems I finally learned that myself. Just...promise me something, will you?” His blue eyes shimmered with life and Lydia found herself nodding right away, desperate to give this man’s last wish life. “Don’t, don’t waste what you have. People will try and tell you what they want from you, but it don’t matter. All of this is only worth it because you get to enjoy it for so long, so go out and do what matters and don’t listen to what other people want. In the end you’re the only one who shows up so just...do what matters to you. Whether it’s hunting bounties or taking care of someone or...I don’t know, picking berries or something. Leave your mark.”

Lydia couldn’t tell if it was the words of a wisened dying man or something she had been needing to hear but she felt changed. Her eyes followed as they rode away and off into the swamps, a silent goodbye with the tip of his hat the last sight of her friend. 

How could one interaction affect her so deeply? Did approaching death give him an insight to not only what brings true happiness but what was wasted time? Did he know she would be there that day?

One day, Lydia knew she would ask him. But for now she would take what he said to heart and try to live alongside the memory of someone history would forget.

[autumnblogs]

Day 65: Repentance

https://homestuck.com/story/7170

I guess it should be pretty obvious to anyone watching that Vriska’s re-evaluation of one long-held belief is parallel to her other such beliefs, and a sign that she is really, legitimately changing as a person in the afterlife.

There’s something extremely sad to me about the fact that it takes untold eons of time in the afterlife for Vriska to have her mind changed about just about anything.

More after the br8k.

https://homestuck.com/story/7173

I hardly need to exposit on what John is talking about here, because he’s more or less just providing an answer to the riddle posed by Karkat et al. about the nature of alternate selves.

I think that the existence of John’s retcon powers, and the capacity they have to bring a better timeline into existence, one differentiated for real from the Alpha Timeline ultimately serves to make Homestuck a fantasy about the idea of personal change.

Lord English’s great dictum is that you are who you are, who you were born, and you may not be anyone else other than the person, other than the role, who Paradox Space created you to be. John provides an offering in opposition to that;

If there is something about yourself that you regret, something you wish you could change, but feel powerless to because you are trapped by your circumstances - you do have the power to change that about yourself. It may require great sacrifice, but you are not trapped. You have the power to escape your circumstances by choosing to turn your back on your past actions.

Regret, or shame, or guilt is worthless on its own, and the only thing that it serves to facilitate is self-destruction. That can either be literal, and suicidal, or it can be figurative;

That is the nature of repentance - the rejection of one’s harmful actions. A Return to community, if one’s community will still have them. It’s what Vriska has been missing with all of her attempts to regain her position as Terezi’s friend through transactional token displays of good will.

https://homestuck.com/story/7182

We make our own luck. Circumstances may be what they are, but we are in control of how we perceive ourselves and our situation, and we are in charge of what actions we will take.

https://homestuck.com/story/7228

There’s something undeniably phony about Vriska’s immediate dip into optimistic nihilism - and I think on some level she knows it, because the person in Vriska’s life who made her happiest is probably Terezi, even if she’s enjoying herself with Meenah.

https://homestuck.com/story/7230

Other people have discussed the troublesome connotations of Vriska who is effectively 13 years old in terms of Alive Maturity, getting into a physical relationship with Meenah, effectively 19 years old - and they have discussed it at reasonable length. I’m not going to do so here, except to call attention to it and point out; that’s pretty grody.

https://homestuck.com/story/7242

I’ve often wondered the same thing, John.

Maybe the answer is that Terezi is letting herself know that she has someone watching over her.

Maybe the answer is that Terezi is teaching herself something with this little escapade - that she doesn’t have vision Omnifold, and isn’t in complete control of her life.

https://homestuck.com/story/7259

Terezi’s disappointment is palpable - resignation to the reality that a romantic relationship with Karkat - and in fact, a romantic relationship with anyone - is probably not what she needs. Certainly not now. Maybe not ever.

Maybe it’s because Terezi serially starts relationships acting on passion and impulse, using her suitors as objects of gratification, and then leaving them once the initial infatuation dissipates - once the initial rush is over, and she realizes that she’s trying to fill a hole that nobody but Vriska - her best friend, her partner - can. Terezi is a bit of an enigma to me, so I’m not totally qualified to talk about it, but then again, the more times I read through her arc, the more of myself I see in Terezi.

https://homestuck.com/story/7265

More of Jane’s dramatic flair comes out in her narration - a delightful trait between the two of them that strengthens the parallel between her and Rose.

https://homestuck.com/story/7267

Jane’s language further reinforces Jade and Jane’s assent to their misdeeds.

https://homestuck.com/story/7299

A little reminder from Terezi to Terezi;

You are not in control of this situation.

Not everything is as it appears.

https://homestuck.com/story/7408

Terezi has been given the chance to reverse her greatest regret.

And she has taken it.

See you tomorrow, chums.

For now, Cam signing off, Alive and not Alone.

[friendlybowlofsoup]

Hellloooo~ I was wondering how would ROs react if MC that they thought has passed away but return to them after a few days

Hiya! Sorry again for the wait, I get busy here and there so I can’t always answer RO asks as efficiently as I want to, plus if I don’t take breaks from writing now and then, I burn out super fast  人(_ _*)

For this ask, MC cannot die normally due to their condition, but I wrote these as if they weren’t tainted in order to keep it spoiler-free. 

Also, I wanted to make it a little longer than usual! It’s been a while since I got practice for angst, so I wanted to see how much I could write. This won’t be the norm from now on though, I’d never get anything done if every ask took this long to write

(｡T ω T｡)

Posting under the cut for space~

Edit: alright, format for mobile should be fixed

–

Qiu dreads to see his dreams turn to nightmares. His future with you, his endless time promised by your side—your smile, your voice, the patterns of love you traced upon his skin—they twist in his sleep, warping into taunts. Into mockery. Into shade. He’s haunted by the happiness that lingers in his sleep, by the fantasies that shouldn’t have been fantasies, and wakes with his own claws on his skin, his own blood vanishing from the sheets.

And then you return. Just like that. You return like air to inflate his lungs. Like a ghost returned to reap your dues. He recoils, jerks away from your touch, amber eyes wild and red and unfocused. Feathers you’ve never seen, wings you thought he’d tucked away for good, unfurl as he whips away, but you catch him before he can fly.

Maybe it’s your chi that brings him back, the clarity of it that no illusion could fake. Or perhaps his heart just knows. Either way, he bites hard into his lip and crushes you against his chest, curling you with him until you both collapse onto the floor.

And he cries. He cries, he cries, he cries.

–

An tries to move forward, as she has always done, but nothing seems to stick, her being is stuck in suspense, like a vessel in a windless sea. It takes time. Healing takes time. Forgetting your love takes time. She wants it to quicken. She also wants it to slow. She holds your memory deep in her chest, holds onto the words she knows you said, and turns them over and over in her mind to engrave them forevermore into her soul.

So lost in herself, she never felt you approach. Your hands fall upon her cheeks, hands she still knows so well, and her gaze sweeps up. Like a ship roused to life, she jolts unsteadily, but you catch her, and she falls against you instead. Her body shakes, shrinks, and peonies bloom by your very feet as you sink her into your arms.

Her voice calls out to you, cries out, and everything seems to shift again. The world spins at her feet, the clouds spiral in the sky, because you are here, you are alive, and she can move again. Finally, she can move again.

–

Min He traps herself in her own skin. Rain, wind and deluge pour down the mountain—her gasps become thunder, her cries into lightning. She seeks a way out, a way out of the endless rebound of nightmares of you begging for salvation, a way out of the guilt, regret, shame for never being enough. The shrine is a prison, keeps her from the world, from the soaked earth that mourns your loss and desires her blood.

Then she feels you in her domain once more. Your soul, bright and lively and glowing even when drenched, calls for her and she flees that wooden cell. Wash and mud soak her hair, turning it to lead. Trees and brush snag on her sleeves, tripping her to the merciless ground. But she runs, she flies, until she sees you again.

Your skin splits when she kisses you, and bruises will blossom where her fingers dig into your neck, but it is a merciful pain. It speaks of gratitude, of promises, of a second chance she will surely, surely fulfill.

–

Kaski drowns. Your love was his sun, was his daybreak over mist, a break between the clouds he thought he loved so much. Without you, the dam spills over. Memories of past, memories of you, it all spills and mixes, bringing back the taste of singed fur, broken glass, and human blood. It becomes impossible to remember you without the sight of a black flame. Impossible to not see you lying in a pool of blood, dying a death that was not originally yours. He slogs through the dredge of emotions, gagging on tragedy he thought had long since healed.

You appear, one day, without notice. Green eyes, the color of moss, meet yours. He squints, blinded and head-splitting, reeling back even as you approach. But you catch up to him, as certain as the sun will always melt away the dew, and your hand rests gently on the inside of his arm.

He falls against you. His head slams into your shoulders and your knees buckles, but he refuses to let go. He refuses to even speak. He keeps you there, in his grasp, for hours and hours, like a drowned man sprawled under the sun, seeking to dry.

–

Xinyi doesn’t believe you to be really gone. Everything goes too smoothly, his village runs too nonchalantly, and though he cries and cries, the world never notices your absence. You were everything to him, more than a mere dream, more than some specter he had pledged his life to. You were real in his arms, solid when you kissed him, warm when you cherished him. You disappearance meant more than an unravelling of chi, more than rampant energy returning the earth, yet no one else seems to know that. He is the only one.

He’s not facing you when you find him, at last. His shoulders spike when you hold them, shiver when you breathe against his skin, and hunch when you whisper his name.

He sobs into your hands as the both of you slip to the ground. The realization of your supposed death hits him then, swirling with the relief that he had been right this whole time. But he knows now that if you were to go, it would be the same. It terrifies him, that normality, and haunts him, long after he confirms that you’re safe and returned.

–

Hiemi tells herself this was meant to be, that she should have known, that she was foolish to think otherwise. She seals away her tears, fights away the heartache, uses it all to fuel her broiling hatred for the world. You turn into a martyr for her long dead ambitions, the excuse she always needed, and though it rips her heart to know what she’s doing to your memory, her path is already so far along its journey.

That is, until you meet her along the road. She recognizes you instantly, your colors and patterns had not yet faded, and her steps stop entirely. You’re glowing with vitality, with vibrant, consistent shades—too solid to be a ghost returned to haunt her.

She wavers. Her limbs, normally nimble and quick, grow numb as anger gives way to fatigue, and you catch her, though just barely. Her arms squeeze your waist, her voice rambles until it grows hoarse, until nothing is coherent any longer, until it fades to silence and you’re both left holding each other in the middle of the road.

–

Go Ro must burn away your presence, yet it seems only your belongings remain unscathed in his shrine. Flowers wilt, papers set ablaze, but your clothes, your gifts, the places you’ve touched remain. Each day he reaches to destroy them, to turn them to ash, and each day, they survive. They sit there, glaring at him, and the more he destroys the rest of his shrine, the more mocking they seem to become, growing less as reminders of you and more into symbols of his weakness.

You return, just a mere couple days after your disappearance, to a shrine that smells of smoke. Black scorch marks are seared menacingly into the gate, and the flowers have all but dried up, save for the ones in the pavilion you had so tenderly cared for. You reach for them, for their tender petals, but you never manage to touch them.

Skin hot enough to brand. Eyes that drip scarlet gold. Lips that taste of blood, of teeth, of fire and ash and wasted camellia bloom. Go Ro hears not your need for breath, not your questions of the state of his shrine—his ears have searched for your heartbeat, loud and pounding against his, and presses and presses against you until it quickens, until it confirms that you are well, alive, and present.

–

Chun has seen a hundred deaths, enough to know how yours must have been. The imagery never fades. Did you unravel softly in the moonlight, thinking of her and those you loved? Or did you go clinging to life, holding onto flesh that vanished before your eyes, spitting at the image of the sun that is said to haunt the sight of the dying? One hundred possibilities spin endlessly in her mind, your death occurs over and over and over for her—each new one she encounters, your face shadows theirs, until she can hardly remember how you were when you were alive.

She thinks you are a cruel imitator. Some other spirit who has faked your countenance to take advantage of her, and she lashes out. She spits vitriol, blue-gray eyes turning to ice, and snaps her hands out of yours. It takes time, takes you to remind her of memories that only the two of you could have known, before she finally breaks.

And break she does. The cycle cracks, your death throes no longer gape from afar, and though it will haunt her forevermore in her dreams, at least when she wakes, she finds solace in your arms, in your grasp, in the reality that you have not left her at all.

–

Spider feels time slip between his fingers, coagulated and uneven, set askance by the void of your absence. Seconds are eternities, yet hours pass in blinks. He wastes away at the bar, at the corners of the street, at the harassment of others. His own blood, his own useless chi spill endlessly from his body, repelling all others, excluding him from crowds. He’d have given this all to you if he could. His worthless vitality, this unfriendly gift of salvation, if he had been there to save you, he’d had given it all up for you.

He’s half unconscious when you find him, hunched and beaten and bleeding. It hurts you to approach him—his chi peels away at your skin and eats the edges of your existence, but it hurts more to see him loll his head in your direction, eyes unfocused and cloudy. You nurse him back to health, even when no one will give you a room, when no one will sell you the medication, you bring him back until he wakes.

And he punches you. He hurls you both to the ground, his body heaving and hulking and straining as he pins you beneath him, reopening all the wounds you had so painstakingly tried to heal, but it is his tears that falls on you rather than blood. He sobs, clenching your collar with a weak, trembling fist, and his forehead falls against yours.

[siredtofictionalmen]

Insecurity 1: Being Overweight

Disclaimer: Everyone has gone through different experiences and this is my expierence. This falls into my number one insecurity and I need to let it out.

Warnings: fat shaming

Growing up I was thin, I ate whatever I wanted; chips, soda, junk food, fast food and never gain weight. Until I entered middle school I hit puberty and thats when I began to gain weight. Middle school was when I began to be more weight conscious. It was when I learn what the doctor would measure on the scale. How junk food made you gain weight. Learn how to starve myself and went through emotional suffering for something so insignificant; my weight.

For the years to come, I believe the numbers on a scale determine my worth and that I wasn’t “good enough, beautiful enough” because of the number on the scales, the shape of my body.

I wasn’t obese but I wasn’t model skinny nor was I thin. I was chubby. I had stomach rolls and I could never get rid of them. Wherever I was, I felt utter shame. I dont remeber a day in middle school were I felt confident, not even one. Sadly my family was there everyday to remind that I wasn’t thin, and that if I ever wanted to be I wouldn’t achieve it by eating like that, as my grandma would love to point out.

It all starts one day it was the first month of school. I had gotten my period for the fourth time and I remeber coming back from school. My grandma had gotten us McDonald’s to eat and I remeber there being chicken sandwhiches. The joy on my face when I saw McDonald’s soon would be let down by my grandma who passed me a salad. I frowned confused, I look at her and she told me it was for me. I told her its not what I like and she said I know but it’s healthy you need to change your habits the pounds you are putting on your getting fat. I quietly ate my salad quickly and went to the restroom. My grandma lived in a studio so the only room for privacy was the bathroom. I look at myself, pinch my chubby stomach and cried. Tears flowed down my cheek and I remeber tasting them when they came to lips how they tasted much better than the salad I just ate. Ashamed of my fatness I just sat on the toilet. I was 11 at the time and when my mom came home to pick me up my grandma made some more comments about my weight to my mother. I love my grandma and I know she did it because she cared for me but the way she made me feel that day and the rest of the years to come could have been avoided. I never enjoyed my middle school life because of my “guilt” of being fat.

The middle school I went to was so much worse. It was by a rich area and all the girls there were already wearing crop tops and short shorts. Like COME ON YOUR 12!!! Like how can the parents let them dress like that. Anyway I remeber most of the girls being skinny. I remember envying them and thier looks. I beat myself up everyday because I didn’t have the ideal body, skinny. I felt ugly because of it and I was depressed and because of it I never enjoyed my middle school.

The people who fat shamed me the most was my family. I have mentioned my grandma but lets talk about my mother. I love my mom and I know she loves me but I think some comments could have been avoided. I remeber once I was in 8th grade I was with my mother and she was talking to my aunt and my girl cousin about losing weight and then she said oh yes she needs to lose weight too, look at her hippo legs. She began to laugh, i chuckled looking at my legs so did my aunt and my cousin awkwardly laughed. I remeber that night I went to bed and I couldn’t stop staring at my legs I would squeeze them and the thought about cutting some of my flesh with a knife occured to me. I knew that wouldn’t help and I remeber thinking whats wrong with me. Who have I become. I never felt happy anymore I always wanted to be alone. I never wanted anybody to see me. I was ashamed, embarrassed of my chubbiness. My mom would take me to a restaurant and she would see an omd guy friend. I remeber him saying wow she getting taller. My mom would laugh and say yes she getting bigger and from the sides also. I would smile I hated that so much like she fat shames me enogh I dont need other peoples opinions on my weight. He never commented on it though and he was respectful when it came to me.

I started starving myself after new years. I was in the second semester of the 8th grade. I starved myself for two weeks and you could see change. I was becoming thinner, I was getting closer to what I always wanted to be skinny and beautiful. I remeber my grandma congratulated me but on the third week I couldn’t keep it up I began to eat much more than before and before I knew it I had gained weight and probably more than I was before. My grandma said it was such a shame. I remeber her frowning and nodding her head.

Highschool was so much better. I couldn’t believe it people were nice and it wasn’t like mean girls. Majority of girls at my school were chubby, thicc, overweight. I saw some thin but I felt like I fit in. I began to feel confident, comfortable in my own skin. My best friend was thin and I remeber her complaining because some girl called her skinny. I remebering wishing that’s something I could complain about and instantly I becam insecure again. I shrugged it off the next day. I felt ridiculous.

My best friend could eat whatever she wants and she couldn’t gain weight. I was jealous, envious I wish for her metabolism. I remeber telling her as a compliment that her fingers were long and she must of took it as offensive because the next thing she said was look at yours there fat. I remeber telling her that I meant it as a compliment and that I wish I had skinny fingers like her. She said my fingers were cute that they were tiny and that guys like tiny fingers.

I remeber my friend would call herself flat and I would always tell her shut up she has good body proportions. I told her she may not have big boobs but she has decent ones. I remeber telling her that at least her stomach wasn’t bigger than her boobs. At least she didn’t look deformed like me. She told me I wasn’t deformed and that I had a big ass. I would smile pretending that I was comforted when in fact I felt sick because I also had a big stomach.

My confidence really went up in highschool during freshman year when guys were lining up for me. FOR MEEE!!! I was surprise my mom once told me only fat ugly guys would be attracted to me if I continued at the weight I was. I was fed up and told her so what fat guys arent always ugly and they might actually have manners. Just because someones fat doesn’t mean they are ugly. At least I wouldn’t attract abusive alcoholics. I told her that and then I felt really bad. My dad was an alcoholic and so was her new boyfriend. It didn’t stop her from fat shaming me. I remeber she told me I can’t see move your fat ass legs. I cried that night. I remeber three different guys asked me to homecoming and they were fine as hell. I was surprise they liked me and even if a guy wasn’t that attractive and ask me out I still would have given him a chance being an expert with feeling ugly.

My friend constantly nagged about how no one had asked her to homecoming and how three guys already asked me. She called herself fat a couple of times saying she wasn’t pretty enough because she had been getting fat. I reminded her that she was beautiful and that she wasn’t fat and even if she was she would still be beautiful. She continued to call herself fat. During 6th peiriod she called herself fat a couple of times when let me remind you she was model thinnnnn. Skinny af!! I didn’t say anything because I felt like she could complain. I remeber a guy who sat in front of her and next to me would taalk to us. She went up to him and said I feel fat. He said you aren’t fat and hugged her. After she stop complaining. This just reminds me how most girls define thier worth from guys when we shouldn’t. Guys shouldn’t build our confidence but we should ourselves. I remeber making a vow whether I had guys lining up for me or not I would never let myslef down.

Now I barely finished my tenth grade and Im still overweight. Now that I dont let my mothers comments get to me and feel more confident I have more energy. I started exercising and still struggling with my eating habbits. What I learned and continue learning is that your weight does not define your worth. And fat shaming does not work. I read stuff online about how fat shaming motivates people to lose weight. As someone who has been fat shamed it just makes people hate themselves more and in my case I felt depressed. Depression only gave me less energy and no motivation whatsoever. Fat shaming is not the answer. First accept your body for what it is then if you want to make minor changes go for. Lose weight gain weigh whatever makes you happy but never let yourself down in order to achieve it. Remember weight does not equal worth or beauty. Your beautiful whatever shape you are. This is my experience and it still continues today. Also anyone can feel worthless even skinny ppl. If ur skinny friend cals herself fat remind her that she is not and that fat does not equal beauty. Never respond with look at me Im a cow. Never put yourself down to make someone else feel better and never put someone else down to mane ur self feel better.

[my-personal-writing-wonderland]

Why do you even care? - Lucifer x reader

Words: ~ 2300 (longest story I have ever written!)

Warning: depressed and insecure reader

Pairing: Lucifer x reader

Summary: Reader falls into depression again after Lucifer is mean to her 

You and the Winchesters thought your life would change drastically after meeting god who gave you “the mighty task” to watch over the devil himself. In all seriousness, Chuck just wanted someone to babysit his rebellious son so he didn’t get the chance to destroy earth. Especially your long lasting friends Sam and Dean weren’t particularly fond of your new job but unfortunately, you can’t really say no to god (and believe me Dean tried).

But unlike your concerns babysitting the fallen archangel was pretty easy. At first you thought Lucifer will do everything in his power to annoy you all to death while living in the bunker but instead he just spent most of the time in his temporary room. He didn’t really talk much except of making some sarcastic comments every time the brothers said something but they did their best to simply ignore the devil.

Like every morning you made your way to the kitchen to pour yourself a cup of coffee before you went to the library to do some research. Lucifer was already there reading some antic book.

“Good morning,” you greet him with a small smile.

You never hated the devil as much as everyone else. Of course you heard the stories and the brothers and Cas warned you about his evilness but you always liked to confirm things on your own. Furthermore, you kind of created a little crush on him, not that you would ever tell him that.

Therefore, you decided to be nice and polite to him until he does something to lose this privilege. It wasn’t hard to imagine that Lucifer has to be lonely, so you really wished he would open up to you. But of course he didn’t answer the greetings of a “worthless human”. He had a reputation to keep after all.

If he started to talk to you he would indirectly admit that his hate against every human being on planet earth was a little bit irrational. So that’s probably why he still didn’t talk to you after all these months, or at least that’s what you told yourself.

For the next hours you both sat in the library silently. Despite your efforts, you couldn’t really concentrate on anything but Lucifer. You caught yourself staring at him quite a few times but you couldn’t help yourself. He was a remarkably interesting angel after all.

“What are you reading?” you decided to start a conversation.

But Lucifer didn’t even look at you and it took an eternity before he finally answered.

“Why do you care?”

“I’m just trying to make a conversation. You live with us since months but we never really talked.”

“And why exactly would I want to talk to you? Not only are you nothing more than a stupid hairless ape you’re also one of the most boring humans who ever existed. I mean seriously, what are you even doing besides cooking and reading? I have no idea why the Losechesters bother with you. It’s obvious they aren’t interested in anything you have to say.”

Well you certainly didn’t expect that. His words hurt you more than you would like to admit and you were sure your facial expression showed it. Tears started to form in your eyes and you left the room as fast as you could in order to not let him see how much his words offended you.

But once you closed the door to your room you couldn’t stop crying. His words hit you hard. You were always extremely insecure about yourself. You hated nearly everything about you. Your looks, your laugh, the way your voice sounds. But none of this overmatched the way you hated your personality.

No matter how hard you tried you couldn’t stop comparing yourself to others. You will never be as smart, passionate and insightful as Sam. You will never be as confident, bad-ass and funny as Dean. And you will certainly never be as strong and good-hearted as Castiel.

Lucifer was right. Why do they even bother with you? They were probably just too nice to tell you to leave already. You never considered yourself as a very interesting or entertaining person and your former relationships confirmed exactly that.

Your exes always broke up with you or searched someone better after a few months the relationship had started. They always told you they want someone more spontaneous and exciting while you needed an eternity to open up to someone at least a little bit.

The worst thing is you couldn’t really hate your ex boyfriends for pointing out your flaws and telling you to stop talking when you told them in detail about your rather uneventful day. Heck, you couldn’t even hate them for breaking up with you because you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with yourself either.

But since you met the Winchesters a year and a half ago, you thought you had changed. They helped you with your previous depression and showed you that you are indeed worth something. You began to see the positive aspects about yourself and you even started talking more again, something you quit down drastically once your depression started.

No matter how pathetic it sounds, you even searched in the internet for ways to get and keep friendships because of your fear of losing them again. It was a hard time for you but until now you thought you succeed. You thought you finally found a way to be less unlikeable but right now you weren’t so sure.

When was the last time Sam or Dean told you specifically that they liked you? Or laughed about a joke you made? When was the last time one of them wanted to spend some time with you but without the other brother? Would it really be this bad to spend some time with you alone?

You were so in thoughts you didn’t even noticed how hysterically you started crying. Every single conversation with the brothers and Cas played again in your mind’s eyes. So many times you had the chance to say something funny or cool or at least something helpful but each and every time you managed to fuck up.

How could you think they truly liked you? How could you think anyone was able to like you? In this moment you realized how stupid you really were. For weeks you tried to start a conversation with Lucifer, an archangel. He didn’t decide not to answer because he had a reputation to keep or something like that. Lucifer didn’t answer because he would rather be lonely before befriending someone as pathetic as you.

The next two weeks you barely left your room. Of course Sam and Dean asked you what’s wrong but you trivialized it and told them you just didn’t feel well. At first it seemed like they bought it but as the days passed they grew more and more worried about you. It was obvious that something was wrong. Normally you cooked pie for Dean and told Sam anything about the new book you rode but that stopped abruptly.

Surprisingly, the Winchesters weren’t the only ones who were concerned about you. Lucifer registered your change in behavior too. And despite his efforts, he couldn’t deny the feeling of guilt. Never before did he feel something like that but after he saw your empty look every time you mustered up the strength to leave your room he couldn’t stop it.

At first the devil tried to ignore his regret and shame. It wasn’t his fault that you took everything personal after all but to be honest he kind of missed your attempts talking to him.

You were the only one who ever treated him with nothing but kindness. Even when he ignored you, you tried your best to make him feel at home in the bunker. You showed him around shortly after he arrived, you brought him new beddings and shower gel (not that he actually needed it) and one evening he found a list with book recommendation for him.

But he never thanked you for anything you did for him.

One day he heard the brothers talking about you. Normally, he would just ignore dumb and dumber but this was about the only human he actually tolerated.

“Dean, we need to talk to her. She isn’t herself. When was the last time she ate something?”

“I don’t know, Sammy. No matter how often I try to talk to her she just shut down. It’s just like back then.”

“Yeah, it seems like her depression is indeed back. But this time it seems to be even worse. We need to think about something.”

They continued talking about a plan to make you open up to them but Lucifer stopped listening. You were depressed and it’s his fault. You felt just fine before he arrived and while you were the best thing that ever happened to him he was your worst.

He didn’t know how to make it up to you but he knew he would have to try if he wanted to stop the guilt eating him up.

Once he knocked at your door he didn’t get an answer from you. After a few tries he decided to just get in but what he saw shocked him. The meals Sam brought in your room three times a day were left untouched. You laid in your bed surrounded by tons of used tissues and you looked like you spent the whole time crying.

“Hey (y/n), are you alright?” The moment he asked you he noticed how stupid this question was but he never really had this kind of conversation before.

Much to Lucifers dismay you didn’t even look his way let alone answered him. Hesitantly, he made his way to your bed and sat down next to you.

“Listen (y/n), I’m…I’m sorry, okay?”

“Why?”

“What do you mean with “Why”? I’m sorry because I shouldn’t have said what I said.”

“Why?” You finally looked at him. “You just said the truth. You don’t have to apologize for that.” His heart shattered by your words. You sounded so hurt, so convinced his words were true. That’s the moment he truly realized how much he fucked up.  

You lowered your eyes, you just couldn’t look at him. Therefore, you weren’t able to see the remorse in his.

“Yes, I do need to apologize because I didn’t mean it. You were just so nice and seriously that kind of overwhelmed me. You aren’t boring or a burden to anyone.”

That was the moment you couldn’t hold back any longer. You thought it wasn’t possible to cry any more than you already did but apparently you were wrong.

“Stop it, Lucifer! Did Sam and Dean sent you? Is that the reason you’re here? You don’t need to lie to me. I know exactly how I am. I will never be the person people like to spend time with. No one wants someone like me. It doesn’t matter how much I tried I was never someone’s first choice to spend time with and I never will. I should probably just leave. I wasted enough of your all’s time.

It was stupid from me to believe you could like me the way I like you. I’m sorry for that.”

Your last words were nothing more than a whisper. Before Lucifer could say anything else you stood up and searched for a bag that is big enough for all of your clothes. You didn’t know where to go but you knew you couldn’t annoy all of them more than you already had.

After Lucifer noticed what you planned he began to panic. There was no way he would let you leave like that.

“Wait,” he begged while he stood up to get a hold of your hand. “Don’t leave.” At first you thought it’s a new way to make fun of you. Maybe he just tried to make you believe him before he burst into laughter for you being naïve. But when you looked him in the eyes again you saw nothing but sincerity in them.

Did he really want you to stay? No that couldn’t be, right? It wasn’t like someone like him could ever like you back.

“Sam and Dean didn’t send me. They don’t even know I’m here right now. Listen (y/n), you’re the only tolerable human I met so far and I really don’t know how to survive with the Losechesters without you.”

“Is this some kind of trick, Lucifer? What makes you think I would believe you? Everything you did was ignoring me after all,” you half-shouted at him. You were tired of guessing what’s going on in the devil’s head.

“I know what I did wasn’t fair. I promise it won’t happen again but please stay. I’m begging you.”

To say you were shocked was an underestimation. Lucifer, the Lucifer begged you to stay. For a few minutes you just stared at him wide-eyed, considering your options.

Lucifer noticed your inner conflict, so he did something he never thought he would ever do. He hugged you. And to say it was awkward would be generously phrased.

“Don’t go, alright?”

You couldn’t do anything but shaking your head yes because you were still to perplex to say anything. Minutes ago you wanted to leave everything you built up behind and now the devil himself was hugging you so you won’t leave. Could this whole situation get even more confusing?

“Why do you even care? I’m a no one. Just a pathetic little human that can’t do anything right. I’m just…”

But before you were able to continue Lucifer shushed you.

“Because I like you too.”

[pens-swords-stuff]

Emotional Cocktail Tag

Tagged by @metaphors-and-melodrama, thank you very much!

Rules: Match from the list below one emotion from each taste to each character in your WIP and describe why:

Sweet: Intelligence - Reason - Love - Hope - Confidence - Delight - Curiosity - Patience - Kindness - Courage - Peace - Humility - Awe

Salty: Fear - Anger - Pride - Obsession - Envy - Regret - Shame - Guilt - Disappointment - Cynicism - Naivety - Emotion - Contempt

Spicy: Dominance - Submission (just a funny little extra taste for those who prefer it ;)

I’m not going to do dominance or submision for spicy, I think I’m going to replace it with leader or follower, which is kinda sorta maybe synonymous-ish, right? right??

CLARA WILCOX

Sweet: Intelligence — If there is one thing that Clara is known for and one thing that she prides herself on, it’s definitely her intelligence. She’s not a naturally gifted or smart person, so she tries to overcome that by learning as much as she possibly can. She’s basically known as a walking encyclopedia who probably has textbook passages memorized, and chances are, she’ll have some sort of answer to most questions. She’s also naturally inquisitive and skeptical of many things, so she has a scientific approach in a magical setting where science isn’t necessarily a priority.

Salty: Pride — Clara is a know-it-all and a control freak. She knows she’s smart and she knows that she’s usually the smartest one in the room. Therefore, she usually thinks that she knows the best, and is quite prideful in her intelligence. If she’s planning, if she’s working on something, she usually will not take kindly to people correcting her or questioning her.

Spicy: Leader — Clara is outspoken, bossy and a control freak. She’s also a fantastic strategist who is great at making plans and utilizing people, so she naturally falls into a leader position. 

Tagging @vhum @madammuffins @incognitxburrito @writingwitherebus @ellpri @necros-writings @pheita for this, feel free to do this or ignore!

If you see this and want to do it, you’re tagged too!

If you want me to tag you in tag games, click here!

Callisto, Blake, Vanessa, Aiden and Jess underneath the cut! Don’t forget to look here too ;D

CALLISTO ROWLE

Sweet: Confidence — Callisto knows exactly who she is and what she’s capable of, so she’s very confident in herself. She’s very skilled, and even when she sometimes is in over her head, her confidence can carry her through in a very ‘fake it till you make it’ kind of way.

Salty: Cynicism — Growing up in an evil corrupt upper society isn’t all glamorous and fantastic. Callisto has grown up seeing the dark underbelly of society, and she’s learned that people shouldn’t be trusted, and she’s almost completely on her own. It’s really difficult for her to reconcile this philosophy with the fact that good people do in fact exist.

Spicy: Leader — By leader, I mean she’s best as a second-in-command; capable of taking charge when needed, but operates best as the true leader’s support and right-hand man. She’s really good at making things happen, and finding/fixing flaws in various plans and the execution of said plans.

BLAKE PRESTON

Sweet: Courage — One of Blake’s greatest assets is that she’s willing to stick her neck out for people who are less fortunate. She will do what’s right, no matter the consequences that may befall her, and that takes a lot of courage.

Salty: Anger — I was really torn between anger and emotion for this one, but I think anger edges out a bit. Blake is passionate, and while her anger can fuel her, it can also blind her. In For Queen and Country, her anger and righteousness really gives her tunnel-vision and she has to learn the difficult lesson that sometimes, even the best intentions can cause a lot of harm.

Spicy: Follower — Blake has a lot of really big ideas, but she’s not always the best person to take charge because she tends to hyperfocus. So rather than the leader of an organization, Blake is the most suited to heading a small group that gives her creative freedom and also some trusted people to reign her in if needed within a bigger organization that she can report to and lean on for guidance.

VANESSA QUEEN

Sweet: Confidence — You’d have a difficult time finding someone more confident than Vanessa, she lives, breathes and sleeps confidence.

Salty: Pride — Vanessa is the best at what she does; that’s her entire thing. She’s power-hungry and extremely competitive. If her pride is wounded or challenged in any way, she will retaliate.

Spicy: Follower — She works best on her own, without any restrictions (with one notable exception of her brother). She’s also not committed enough to anything to be a leader, and prefers the flexibility of being rogue-y on her own. Give her an assignment, and she will report back with more than you could ever have hoped for.

AIDEN PHILLIPS

Sweet: Reason — Aiden is very level-headed and can be counted on to be a voice of reason in most circumstances. He’s pretty detached from a lot of situations, and has the ability to see it the big picture without being too emotional.

Salty: Guilt  — He has a lot of baggage, to say the least. He internalizes all of his problems and doesn’t deal with them a healthy way. Combine this fact with some major Wanderlust spoilers... He carries a lot of guilt and believes himself to be pretty worthless and terrible, which hinders him significantly.

Spicy: Follower — Being the occasional voice of reason, Aiden is the type of person to offer his thoughts and opinions but isn’t necessarily the person who executes it and takes charge. He’s pretty good at cleaning up other people’s messes and making sure things go smoothly.

JESSICA RIEGER

Sweet: Confidence — Jess is really confident in herself because she has to be; no one else will be confident in her, so she set out to prove to the world that she’s not just someone, she’s the Jessica Rieger, dammit!

Salty: Disappointment — Based in her severe trust issues and fear of abandonment, Jess is afraid of being disappointed by the people she cares about, she’s afraid of being disappointed when she actually makes an effort, so she doesn’t. She refuses to let people close, and often doesn’t try a lot of things.

Spicy: Follower — She may seem like a leader at first who pulls people along and suggests things to do, but she’s actually a follower! She’s a bit too selfish to see the big picture and see how people fit in where. She’s a reluctant follower too, but always comes through for her friends.

[sinfulavenue]

Episode 44, Wish Review

(Manga spoilers)

THIS - EPISODE - WAS - FAN - FRIGGIN- TASTIC!!!!

Aajajaxjcjszjcjdxn I feel so illiterate right now, I could literally just keyboard smash for the next minute to convey my excitement over this episode but that would be extremely lazy and this episode deserves better.

After a bit of a difficult beginning to season 3 with my enjoyment at times being marred by deleted scenes and a pace that never stopped to breathe, this episode reminded me why I fell in love with Attack on Titan in the first place. AGH the feels! I think my heart exploded!

It wasn’t just the action that made episode 44 great, it was the emotion. Literally last week I said that emotional detachment was a bit of a problem this season but certainly not in this episode, I was right there with the characters, feeling everything and oh my God it hurt!

EREN!! 💔

I’m woman enough to admit I cried ... and hugged my Eren plushie for an hour afterwards! ….(yes I have an Eren plushie alright and no I can’t sleep without him!)

The soundtrack was damn amazing too! Hands down the best episode of season 3 (so far) but I hope the best is yet to come.

Once again Kenny stole the show!

So the storming the cave scene was just ajsakajxshshcj PHENOMENAL! It was so good! I absolutely think the anime did it better than the manga because we got LEVI VS. KENNY ROUND 2!

Akashsbzk! Sorry for keyboard smashing so much but I’m finding it hard to express myself in proper words right now. My heart literally stopped at that moment when Levi was chasing one of interior MP’s, about to go in for the kill when there’s this almighty YEEEHAA! (or whatever the hell that noise was supposed to be 😂) then a gunshot and suddenly I’m like OH SHIT KENNY’S HERE! 😱 Ajzabsshwjdshs!

I know not all the changes have been popular this season but who the hell is going to complain about an additional Levi vs Kenny scene? I’m so grateful for this addition because while the first Levi and Kenny fight was spectacular, this one felt a lot more up close and personal, Levi fought with such anger and determination and this time there was nobody else getting in the way. The pair were really going for one another, blades clashing.

Thank you so much WIT for this godsend of a shot!

It was just so satisfying to see the uncle and nephew engaged in a one on one battle, creating even greater tension between the two characters before their complex history is finally revealed in a future episode.

Ha! Maybe if Kenny had focussed on actually fighting instead of dishing out sick burns he wouldn’t have got his ass kicked 😂.

I have to say Traute really shone in this scene too, using her wits to figure out what Levi’s squad were trying to do, even avoiding a strike from Mikasa which is saying a lot because that girl is a killing machine!

But please God tell me someone is looking after Hanji!!!

Historia’s Dilemna

In the manga Historia shot Eren a murderous glare before Rod came in with his box of syringes. It’s a shame this was cut but she still still gave him a few severe looking glances showing that her father’s manipulation was starting to work. Historia outright stated that she was going to eat Eren and fulfill her duty.

Kenny sure knows how to make an entrance (although I’m a little confused how he is miraculously no longer bleeding here).

I loved that of all people it was Kenny who tried to talk Historia out of going through with this, even if he was only doing it to spite Rod. Kenny tried to make Historia see that her father is nothing but a manipulative coward who won’t become a titan himself. However it’s a little sad that most of Kenny’s dialogue here was cut (although I guess we can’t really be shocked by cuts anymore 😒). In the manga Kenny outright told Historia that everyone including her father wished she’d never been born and drew her attention to the fact that he only started caring about her when his legitimate children were wiped out. Kenny also mentioned how Rod had tried to hide the fact that the Reiss family had lost the power of the titans and only started spilling when Eren sealed the hole in Trost. It’s a shame that this was cut as it gave some context as to what was happening behind the scenes the whole time and also showed a more perceptive side of Kenny. Keeping his full dialogue would have added even greater build up to Historia smashing the syringe but don’t get me wrong the whole scene was still amazing.

On another note, this episode gave us the first glimpse of Uri Reiss!!!

“I shouldn’t have happened”

OH MY GOD! My boy!! 💔 My poor, poor boy! It hurts even thinking about this scene. To see Eren’s fiery soul so broken ... it was beyond agony. In season 2 Hannes talked about how Eren always got back up, no matter how many times he was knocked down but this time Eren didn’t get up, he was so plagued by guilt for what his father had done that he was willing to die without a fight.

It hurts even more when you think about how he didn’t even had a choice, the titan power was unwillingly bestowed upon him and now he’s caught up in something greater than he is with no way out.

Honestly I think this was one of the saddest moments of the whole of Snk and kudos to Yuki Kaji for that powerful voice acting because it takes a lot to break my heart of stone!

Eren’s feelings of worthlessness clearly sparked a deep empathy in Historia because while he was saying all this we were shown a brief flash of her being rejected by her mother.

“I want you to live a life that you’re proud of”

Oh God and just when I thought I couldn’t get any more emotional, Historia suddenly remembers Ymir and hesitates before injecting herself. Ultimately it’s the words of Ymir that stop her from eating her friend in the name of fulfilling her royal duty.

Aghhh! I was in pieces by this point and when she smashed the syringe to the ground my tears of sadness became tears of joy and I wanted to jump around the room screaming!

Admittedly Historia went a little crazy after that, saying fuck humanity, hitting Eren and calling him a crybaby but cut the girl some slack she’s been through a lot!

OH and about that ending! THAT ENDING!😱 ajwjdwksjdwjefe

This is the most excited I’ve been for the next episode since this season started!!

The Remaining Episodes of the Uprising arc

So I think there is a great possibility that (with great restructuring) some of the skipped scenes will appear in the next few episodes. Here’s why.

So when it was announced that there would be 24 episodes in season 3 it was my assumption that there would be a fairly even split between Uprising and RTS, (as they are both 20 chapters long in the manga) so I reckoned 12 episodes each.

However the Uprising arc ends on chapter 69 and this episode (the 7th episode of season 3) took us to halfway through chapter 66 meaning there are roughly three and a half chapters left to cover. That really isn’t a lot and based on how quick the pace has been, three and a half chapters is unlikely to fill five full episodes. This is what makes me wonder if some of the skipped scenes will be worked in somehow, because if they aren’t then I can see the arc ending by episode 10!

I just want to put this out there. If the Uprising arc is concluded in less than 12 episodes I will be extremely angry and disappointed because this arc deserves better than being crammed into a measly 10 episodes and it certainly deserves just as much screen time as the RTS arc.

The preview of episode 45 looked like it could be setting up for the scene where Levi tells Historia to become the queen and I’m still holding out hope that the rest of Eren’s titan experiments at the cabin will appear in a flashback. I get not having them at the beginning as it wouldn’t have been the most exciting way to kick off a new season but I’ll be pretty sad if those experiment scenes have been cut altogether. Honestly it will be such an anti-climax if Eren just gains the hardening ability without us seeing the blood, sweat and tears he went through trying get hard (hehehe) back at the cabin.

But the real question is how will the arc end? Will we still see Historia punching Levi? If so then how will this come about if all the scenes leading up to this moment are missing? Will these scenes be worked in but in a different way? Or will the ending be completely different?

I realise I have more questions than answers so I guess we will have to wait and find out ... I’m sure WIT have a plan right? 😅

I don’t want to end this review on a sour note because this was such a good episode so instead I will end by saying once again how much I enjoyed episode 44 and I eagerly await episode 45!

[rwbyremnants]

WARNINGS: Sad discussions, drug use.

Also! We have a side fic called “An Occasional Dream” from Blake’s perspective, more or less. It’s about both Yang and Sun and shows some of Yang’s trans backstory, and is very smutty. I feel like I didn’t do a good job of promoting it but it’s there!

=Chapter 38

The rest of the flight passed amiably enough, and being that it was a private plane, they landed and disembarked with no other problems. However, when Winter announced that she would not be joining them, merely waiting for the plane to be ready to head back to LA to handle the final loose ends from the show, Weiss approached Yang quietly.

"Can you handle my bags?" she whispered. "I, um… want to say goodbye to my sister, and it might take a while. Like, an hour."

"How does that take an ho- ohhhh…" After Yang took a second to think, it was pretty clear why she needed that time. Winter and Weiss still had problems that were left unresolved, problems that needed to be talked about in private rather than among friends. Holding Weiss's small case closer in, she nodded. "Sure. Probably take a while to flag down a cab, anyways."

"Thank you," she told her, kissing her on the cheek. "And… if it comes, just text me Blake's address and I'll catch my own. It's no problem, and I don't want all five of you hanging around, waiting on me."

"Nice try, but if it does I'll hang on for you, so there. Not letting you out of my sight again for a long time." Yang smiled, gazing over at Winter who stood in the background, seemingly eager to get things going so they were over and done with. "But yeah, go on. And tell Winter I'll catch her later."

"Count on it."

When she rejoined her sister, suitcase-free and posture stiff, she said, "Shall we adjourn to Admirals Club?"

"I suppose." Walking side by side, she gave the others a quick wave before they disappeared out of view.

A few short minutes later, they ended up in a similar circumstance they did in that hospital corridor the day previous. Both sat at a table, each with a drink in their hand. On the brighter side, Weiss didn't have to worry about Yang's state or her injuries, and Winter didn't have to worry that Weiss would have still disowned her. But like yesterday, the subject would be the same. Weiss insisted on it.

Pouring a tiny bottle of whiskey she had kept from the plane into her coffee, she then took a quick sip, sighing contentedly at the taste. "So… What do you want to know?"

"They do sell that at the bar," Weiss snorted. But she didn't want to get distracted from the topic at hand. "Listen… I'm still very upset about what you did to myself and Yang. That will just take time. But I'm willing to set that aside and work on it another time, since we only have a few minutes here."

"Of course." Only gazing at her cup more intently for a moment, clearly avoiding eye contact with her own sister. Hating that they had wound up this way. "And I don't expect you not to be. I made a horrendous mistake."

"Yes, you did." It was a short answer, given in lieu of a much longer tirade. "However… I get the feeling there's a lot about how you've handled your career that you'd rather me not find out about. And I'm trying to respect that, except…" She trailed off, unsure how to proceed.

"…Except?" She didn't want to be goading Weiss into continuing, but sensed there would be no way to get through this unless she did. And that included the end goal of having Weiss ever speak to her again.

"Now, forgive me if I've misread the situation," she hedged. "But… you made it sound like you've witnessed some very dirty dealings from people in the music industry. And the way you looked when we talked about it…" Clearing her throat, she lowered her eyes to where her hands were playing with a napkin. She didn't even remember picking it up. "It seems like it's a firsthand account."

Yet again, there was another sip. A much longer sip this time, even if it was still boiling hot. A similar technique she had when Yang was talking about it. There was a long, uncomfortable silence that lingered far too long for it to be anything else.

"…And if it is?"

"You said you broke me and Yang up because… you were worried she was taking advantage of me. Using her position to… to force me into… sexual favours." By now Weiss's voice was beginning to quake with unclear emotions, and she had shredded the napkin to bits with her fingernails. "So… so if that's what you thought Yang was doing to me… what's b-been happening to you?"

There wasn't any hiding it now. The need to hide the shame was outweighed, outweighed by the need to tell her sister the truth. No matter how painful that could be, or how much she would be judged for it. Even though she tried to protect her sister's innocence to the end, it was impossible; she had sacrificed herself for a fool’s errand.

"What was necessary," she barely forced out, quickly taking another sip of her drink to try and avoid talking anymore. But a look into her eyes could tell Weiss far more. That she was afraid, ashamed… terrified.

"Was it? Was it truly necessary for my sister to, to…" But looking at Winter's face prevented her from finishing the statement. She didn't want to hurt her sister any further than she already had with her own actions. "Winter, come on! You do understand that I'd never have wanted you to do that, don't you? So why?! How could you justify letting this happen to you, even if it was for the sake of my- for our careers?!"

Tears were beginning to well up in her eyes. And she clearly tried to wipe them away before Weiss could notice. But that was useless. How exactly could she backpedal now that Weiss knew?

"The first time… wasn't exactly a conscious choice," she confessed, barely able to keep her usual stern voice. "More of a guilt trip and seeing no other option. But then, suddenly I realised it bore positive results… advanced your career path, helped us make you a success. After that, I became comfortably numb. My body was just a tool. Didn’t matter."

"No," Weiss breathed, her own eyes glistening now that there had been more confirmation. "Winter, you… I never wanted to sacrifice you for money. Okay? I'm n-not saying you thought I would, or that you meant for this to happen, but…"

The forlorn diva didn't know what else to say. She'd spent so long resenting her sister's gruff mannerisms, the way she tried to control her life as much as possible even before this latest incident with Yang, that she never stopped to consider what might be happening in the background. And apparently, it had cost Winter something. Her dignity. Even though she wore it on the outside like a pretty mirage, inside it almost seemed as if she had relinquished all of it when it came to using sex as leverage for her sister’s career.

Sighing deeply, Winter stared downward at the ground. Yet again, she felt shame mingling with regret. She was torn between knowing that Yang was right, that Weiss really would have preferred her to be safe than her to have a career, but also believing that what she did was the best possible path. Protecting her family and providing for her future.

"It got results. I… Like I said, I grew numb to it. Better me than you; I still believe that. Protecting you made it worth just about anything." And then she looked over, eyes still teary, still ashamed. "That's why I was so quick to judge Yang. Which was wrong, completely wrong, but I saw another threat, and there was no question what I had to-"

"No… no, I can't…"

Neither of them was really expecting what happened next. Weiss stood, rounded the table, hesitated for a few seconds as if she was steeling herself for a truly horrible fate… and did something she had not done in at least a decade. She crawled into her sister's lap and clung to her, as if she would be blown away by a strong gust of wind if she let go.

All the older Schnee could do was freeze, remain completely still as she was embraced by her sister. For so long, they knew each other as sisters by name, but never showed it. There were no hugs, no inside jokes, Winter had never even sat her down to have gossipy chats or exchange make up tips. But there Weiss was, making a significant effort to do rewind, to go back and fix some of their collective failure. And it broke her heart, even while she felt a rush of love even stronger than the steady pulse she always felt for her.

After a moment of complete silence, Winter’s arms eventually found their way around her, pulling her further into her body as she allowed her eyes to close. She hugged her sister. And finally the dam broke, and the little diva was crying into her shoulder.

"I'm so, so sorry!" Weiss told her in a choked whisper, clinging ever tighter as if that could somehow undo the past. "You've been- and all this time, I never noticed, b-because I was a selfish little brat! No, no no NOOOOOO!"

"Absolutely not. Not once," she muttered quietly into her shoulder, continuing to clutch her top and bring her close however she could. With a few more sobs and a sniff; "You didn’t do a thing! It’s all me. I just wanted to keep you safe, and protect you, and for you to succeed. I didn't want you to know! I don't want you to think that… I-I’m…" She swallowed, having to force the next few words out her mouth. "That I was a whore! A pathetic, worthless whore who literally sold herself for your sake! I didn't want you to think that o-or look at me that way!"

"NO! Stop it, j-just- don't ever say that, you're my sister, y-you're not a- I hate them! Tell me who they are and we'll find them and make them pay!"

"It's over. It's done with, okay?" Winter affirmed, finally coming out from Weiss's shoulder. Cheeks were still wet from crying, but that didn't stop her from putting a hand on her shoulder reassuringly, stroking her gently. "It's… It's like Yang said. We start again, from here. That isn't going to happen again, and I'll never… I'll never judge anyone in your life again based solely on what they have in their underwear."

The phrasing caused Weiss to laugh wetly, leaning her forehead down onto her sister's head so as to avoid eye contact. At least for the moment. Then she whispered, "You… must have really hated me for having to do that in my place. No," she followed up quickly when Winter opened her mouth to protest. "No, there's no way you could have let yourself be… abused over and over for my sake and not really wished I wasn't around so you wouldn't have to. If not always, then sometimes."

"No, never." Again Winter corrected her with a little kiss to her cheek. Hearing Weiss sigh, that she was grateful for the small display of affection instead of repulsed, she felt comfortable leaning back in her chair if Weiss didn’t want to hop off her lap. Even if most of the tears were gone, her voice was still strained; it took concentrated effort to talk about this.

"Not even once did I want that for you. My darling sister, I only wanted to keep you safe, untouched, pure. And that's why… when I discovered you and Yang were an item, I panicked. I didn't want to imagine you'd found yourself in that situation." Strangely, now she found herself lightly smiling and laughing. "And yet, Yang's proven she's about the only person I would ever trust with your heart. I'm a lousy judge of character."

"Maybe," Weiss admitted with a chuckle. "But you were doing your best. I still wish you had really talked with me instead of just deciding everything on your own, and I can’t quite forgive you for how brutal you were, but…" Here she paused to take a deep breath. "I take back what I said about you not being my sister anymore. Yang being hospitalized was so fresh in my mind… and you going behind my back. That sucked, even though I didn't understand why you did it, but we're always going to be family… if you still want me to be, I mean."

"Of course I do! Oh, Of course." Once again, Winter began to sob, and held her closer as she grinned, nuzzling her hair in desperation to reestablish their bond. There were so many emotions she couldn't keep track, but finally it was overwhelming happiness that eclipsed everything. She hadn't lost her sister. She had in fact got her back - and their bond might stronger then ever. And gained some friends in the process.

"I m-missed you so much all these years," Weiss told her, voice becoming less and less formal. Finally sounding like the Weiss from their childhood. Her mouth twitched into a bittersweet smile. "Remember how we used to record those 'music videos' but we were just dancing to whatever was on the radio?"

Suddenly she laughed out loud, quickly wiping her eyes as she finally eased herself out the hug. "How could I forget? You always wanted to clomp around in heels ten sizes too big for you."

"God! I wonder if those are still around anywhere… you always wanted to wear Mom's makeup but you didn't… know how to put it on…"

At the mention of their mother, both women grew quiet. It had been many years, so the topic had lost much of its sting, but there was never any anticipating how melancholy it would make them feel. Weiss looked down toward Winter's crisp suit sadly.

"You think… that's what changed us? Our sisterly thing?"

There was a small sigh again as Winter pulled her in a little closer, looking down toward the floor. There was no denying that the family dynamic had changed when the matriarch passed. Everyone became more distant, more serious. And all at a period when Weiss was still a child. She was forced to grow up too quickly, even when everyone else already had.

"It didn't help," she admitted. "I know Father and I didn't handle it well… we became focused on the future. Too focused."

"Yeah." She tried her best to keep her tone neutral, despite how sensitive this subject would always be for all of them. "I didn't know what to think, I was too little. But I appreciate it now. It was… difficult growing up that way, but look where I am; successful, popular… dating a hot blonde." Then she chanced a goofy little grin. "And my family came back to me, eventually."

"That we did. And I hope you know that we'll never leave you. Especially now we know that Father hasn’t lost his mind over this most recent development. But… it does make me feel a little silly that we ever doubted him."

“Me too,” Weiss whispered with a grin. Winter seemed to grin right back, allowing their slightly lower moods to pass. That was until she felt a buzz in her pocket of her cell. Managing to grab it, even despite Weiss still being in a silly position on her lap, she seemed to frown slightly.

"The plane is ready. I'd better get going."

A long whine issued from deep in Weiss's throat. "You really have to?" But even as she asked, she was grudgingly extracting herself from Winter's lap. It felt so safe there, when she had felt so unsafe lately. "Well, alright. I guess it's only a week or so. But you better be ready for a sister sleepover when I get there - and I don't want to hear any of that 'we're too old for that' nonsense!"

Rolling her eyes, she began to stand again once Weiss was off her lap, quickly putting her phone away. "Fine, fine. I owe you that at least. And you…" She paused a moment to see the smile on her face, it bringing one to her own. A genuine one that wouldn't vanish for a long, long time. "…Promise you'll keep Yang in line. Just because I made such a big mistake doesn’t mean I'm going to want a rowdy sister-in-law getting you in trouble, either, you know."

Not that Winter would have any way of knowing - and Weiss hoped she never would - but her thoughts went to a certain blue item she had tested out just before she and Yang took their brief vacation from each other, and she couldn't help but cackle mischievously.

"Oh… I have my ways."

The cab ride to Blake's was a pleasant one. Yang had kept to her word, waiting for Weiss even as the others got a separate ride home. And that even worked out for the better; half way through the journey, their driver had seemed to have recognised them both from the news, and instead of throwing a Bible at them or something, happily talked to them both about how good it felt to see more celebrities being comfortable with who they were in public. It was certainly an uplifting experience for them both; one Weiss was slowly getting used to and would hopefully continue to enjoy, and one Yang was finally beginning to get a taste for.

An hour after they arrived at Blake's, taste became another topic of discussion that was up in arms. While no one wanted anything in particular, Ruby herself was more in the mood for Chinese food. And as soon as Sun mentioned his Uncle's restaurant, Yang had stopped them in their tracks. Much to Ruby's disdain.

"Look, it'll be so awkward buying take out from the place I got fired from, okay?"

"But you could hide in the bathroom or something!" Ruby was insisting, a pouty look in place. "I just really want some sesame chicken, okay? Is that too much to ask after watching Weiss's stage explode?!"

Chucking at their silly sibling feud, Blake stood from the couch and stretched lazily. "Okay, well, you guys figure this out while I go upstairs and change. Plus I need to, uh, de-stress." She glanced at the others. "Anybody else coming?"

"Yeah, why not? If you don't mind the company, of course." But Sun had already stood up to join her anyway, pacing over as he waited for anyone else to respond. Yang shook her head as expected, knowing the doctors had recommended staying away from things like that. But as for her diva girlfriend…

"Yeah, I'll come with you."

Blake blinked in total surprise. "You… will? Seriously? Gotta admit, thought you'd stay here."

"I'm not attached at the hip to my girlfriend," she protested, standing from the couch elegantly with her nose in the air. "Besides, I'm thinking about taking off my bra and I wouldn't want to embarrass the young ones."

"Only younger by a year," Ruby grumbled under her breath… even as her cheeks got pinker at the thought of Weiss and her bra.

"We'll wait down here for you, and trust Yang's judgement on what you would order!" Penny replied cheerfully, offering a silly salute to them all before they headed off.

But just as Sun and Blake exited, and Weiss was about to, Yang quickly grabbed her arm, pulling her in close. "You… do know what she means by ‘de-stress’, right?"

"I'm not a baby," she whispered. "I know they mean use something Ruby’s too young for to take the edge off. I'll be fine." Then with a quick kiss on her cheek, she hurried to catch up with the other two.

By the time she made it up to Blake's room, the raven-haired woman was already out of her shoes and had dumped her suitcase in the corner. Sighing as she paced in a few more steps and nudged the door shut, Weiss began, "Okay, now I don't want to go overboard; just a little to loosen me up. Relax. I mean, after all I've been through lately…"

Sun's eyebrow had raised in surprise. So she really did want to try this. That, or she had no idea and was in for a big shock. Either way, this was going to be a hilarious experience. "Alrighty then." Sun smirked, pulling open one of Blake's drawers to find the mystery box. She'd moved it to her bedroom since Yang started buying her own, just so the supplies were in different places – and now Yang wouldn’t be doing that at all, but it still seemed wise to have kept it away from her easy access. Opening it up and withdrawing the bag of substance, the room was yet again filled with an earthy scent. One Blake knew too well.

"Ahhh," Blake sighed pleasantly, a relaxed smile spreading across her face even before they had begun. "Missed that while I was in Cali… which is kind of ironic, I guess. Laws being what they are."

But of course, now their company was staring bug-eyed at the bag filled with herb, completely frozen in place. This was definitely not how she expected them to be "de-stressing" – which she had assumed to be alcohol. She couldn't even speak or otherwise react. This was actually happening. The perfect pop princess was in the proximity of marijuana.

"I hope you don't mind if I take the first hit to get 'er going, m'lady?" Sun asked, taking a small amount and putting it into the bowl of the pipe. Not long afterward, he grasped the lighter, just about to bring it up and light it… until he saw the gone-out expression on Weiss's face. And once more, began to chuckle to himself. "Unless we let the guest try first?"

"I… are you sure it's alright?" She had meant legally-speaking, given that she had never knowingly been in the same room as an illicit substance before. But she tried to cover her innocent ignorance hastily. "Y-you know, since I'm the guest. And haven't smoked before. N-not this, anyway."

"Totally," Blake told her with a warmer smile. The pop star was so transparent. Figuring out that this was her first time seemed to change her attitude toward her completely. "But, uh, maybe you should let Sun hit it first and get us started. You know, watch how it's done?"

"Oh. Well… that sounds reasonable." Seeing that Blake was already on the bed, she also perched on the very edge, trying not to look so nervous.

"Alrighty. So you light this here, then cover this hole so you can start to pull…" Holding the pipe to his mouth, he covered the small hole at the back, lighting the substance as he started to take a breath inward. Once it seemed to take, his finger moved away and he allowed himself to take a deeper breath, before he backed away and released it into the air above. Only then did he offer both that and the lighter to Weiss.

"And your turn. But be careful not to spill any of the embers on the floor!"

"Oh, I think I can handle that," she scoffed, her voice just slightly too high to be believed. The procedure seemed simple enough, but she couldn't believe what she was about to do! Was this really something Yang had started going in her spare time, all the time?

The pipe was deceptively light, made mostly of glass. Even though the fumes from the smoke were noxious to her, she had been to enough wrap parties where a cigar was passed around that it didn't literally make her gag on contact. The embers in the top were still smouldering, giving off thin wisps of white smoke…

When she raised it to her mouth, she hesitated; a boy's lips had been on the end. This would be the end of her "lesbian streak", wouldn't it? Not that sharing a pipe meant anything, really. She was being ridiculous. Throwing caution to the wind, she inhaled what was already burning-

And choked, and gagged. Remembering Sun's warning, she was extra careful to hold the pipe away perfectly upright as she coughed, eyes watering.

"Whoa, whoa!" Blake laughed at her. "Easy there, Duchess of Pop!"

"Don't laugh at m-" but Weiss couldn't even finish her sentence before she had to cough again. Her vision was blurring from coughing-tears, and her head felt… oddly lighter. It wasn't a bad sensation at all, completely different from the way alcohol seemed to weigh her down.

But Sun did laugh. And laugh. He couldn't help it, this was the first time he'd seen another newcomer take their first hit. Blake really wasn't kidding when she told him that everyone coughed and gagged the first time just like he did.

"Aaaand you breathed it in, didn't you?" he asked, trying to contain his laughter as he steadied her hand. "You gotta take it slow. Like… how do I describe it… eating the smoke instead of just breathing it? That sorta thing."

"M-maybe I don't want any more!" she burst out, shoving the pipe in Blake's direction.

"Nooo, we're sorry," Blake told her, though she was still giggling. "Just… I've never seen anybody just inhaling what's left of somebody else's hit and cough, usually it takes a way bigger hit than that!" But she did take the pipe, and turned slightly to face Weiss properly. "Okay, watch how I don't really 'inhale' it, but more let it fill my lungs…"

She repeated Sun's actions, and Weiss paid attention, trying to remember what Sun said about "eating" it. Blake's throat didn't work like she was swallowing anything, but she didn't seem to be breathing normally, either. When Blake passed the pipe back to her, she curled her lip.

"You guys make it look so easy…" Again, she took the safer route, just inhaling what was left of Blake's turn. This time… it still burned her throat oddly, but she managed to keep from coughing. At least, until she had already pulled away and breathed out most of the smoke; then it snuck up on her, and she coughed once or twice.

"There we go, much better!" Sun grinned. He didn't yet take the pipe back from her. He instead waited for her to finish the last of the coughing, and rather than take it, he simply watched. "I think she's ready to try and take a hit of her own, don't you, m'lady?"

"Wait!" Blake fell onto her back and stretched out as much as she could, and Weiss snorted when she saw most of her stomach revealed by her raising shirt. Her hand just managed to snatch a bottle of water from her nightstand, and then she sat up and offered it to the guest. "Here, coat your throat."

"Thank you," Weiss sighed, passing the pipe back as she took the bottle, uncapped it, and took a couple of small swigs. That did help, even though she could feel her throat trying to choke on that, as well. But she was getting better at suppressing that impulse. Privately, she realised that her experience going down on Yang probably helped a lot with that… but decided that was a bit crass to mention.

"Good. Now… switch."

"Okay." Passing the water back, she took the pipe and raised the lighter. "Um… I'm sorry, what-"

"Cover the hole with your finger, light, pull in slowly, let go of the hole and the flame and… smoke."

"Right." So Weiss did as she was instructed. This time, better prepared for how it was going to feel, she was able to pull everything off without a hitch. Quick study. Smiling very slightly and having to force herself not to laugh in triumph — for fear of more coughing — she blew the smoke in Blake's direction.

Once she was in the clear, Sun clapped to cheer her on, lightly punching her shoulder in a friendly gesture. "Now you got it mastered! If it helps, I'm pretty sure Yang woulda been the same way. And, say if she ever wants to take a hit again and you wanna try something out…" He then looked toward Blake as he took the pipe and lighter back from her. She of course knew what the intent of such a look was, but it would be a fun lesson to teach Weiss. Even if she never needed it.

Smirking, Blake leaned forward, laying the recapped water bottle aside. Weiss wasn’t sure what was about to happen, but was already prepared to roll her eyes. Taking another, much larger hit this time, he kept it in his mouth when he looked in Weiss's direction a moment, managing to smirk, even though a small wisp of smoke escaped his mouth. And then he leant toward Blake, opening his mouth against hers and letting the smoke out into hers. Shotgunning once again.

"O-oh," Weiss said, feeling her face grow hot. That was actually not what she was expecting at all. It seemed so intimate, so… sensual. Even though it was because of something as disgusting as smoking. Were they really so comfortable doing that in front of other people?

"Now," Blake breathed out, the room filling with more haze as she did so. "We're not saying you have to do that with Yang, especially not while she's still on antidepressants. Or with either of us. Just… you know, a fun idea."

As Blake raised the pipe, Weiss frowned down at her hands where they were balanced against her own calf. Her eyelashes lowered slightly. "Yeah… she hasn't… really talked about anything much. Like that she's on pills; I didn't know that. Is… I mean, should I not be asking about that? I know we're together, but that might be too personal."

"I think I know the answer to that one," Sun said as he waited for his turn, hitching himself further back onto the bed so he could cross his legs as he spoke to her. "Now don't take this the wrong way, either of you; but she was raised as a guy up until she came out, right? If she was raised anything like I was, the main thing parents tell boys without even thinking about it is that you put everyone else in front of your own feelings. And we kinda just… bottle everything up. My guess is she still has that mindset, like she doesn't wanna worry you, or look weak or some shit. Well, that's a theory, anyways."

"But she's not a boy!" Weiss burst out automatically, looking stricken at Sun's comparison.

"That's not what he's saying," Blake followed up quickly, supporting her boyfriend. "Like… believe me, not to get too deep into the discussion because I don't want to mess with your head, but Yang definitely doesn't fuck like a boy, or act like one or anything. Despite the dick. But I mean, you can't entirely erase your upbringing; it still stays with you."

Of course, the diva did avert her eyes when Blake brought up the subject of how Yang behaved in the bedroom. "W-well… I mean, you're probably right, but I don't like thinking about her being treated like a boy before. Feels like it's not fair to her to think of her being one at any point in her life."

"Nah, I get it,” Sun agreed. “I mean, I didn't know her as anything other than a woman, only little things from what Blake's told me before." Taking the pipe again, but noticing most of what was left had turned to ash, he scooched forward off the bed again rather than taking another hit, wandering toward the small ashtray of Blake's to dispose of it. "But Yang's pretty selfless, anyway. Double that with being raised to be a man… you get me. Like Blake said, it doesn't get undone easily."

"Right…" When Sun packed the bowl again, adding more than the first time, Weiss blushed and let out a weak little laugh. "Oh, w-we're doing more, huh?"

"Yeah," Blake said with a more subdued grin than before. The dark subject matter was still lingering in her mind. "Didn't want to hit you full-force; that was kind of a warm-up."

"Besides, this stuff doesn't kick in for another ten minutes or so. Pleeenty of time to smoke more before we feel it." Satisfied with how much he'd packed, he lifted it up to his lips again, lighting it and taking yet another hit. Straight after, he handed them both to Weiss again as he blew what he had out toward the ceiling again.

Frowning very slightly, Weiss raised the pipe, then lowered it. "Okay, so I think I'm going to have to tell Yang I know she’s taking medication, and ask her to talk to me about it. Because I already had one person keeping secrets from me to 'protect' me in recent history, and I think heading that off early is just… smarter."

"Oh… yeah, I guess I shouldn't have been the one to tell you, I just… figured you knew." Blake had the good decency to squirm.

"Well, it's alright with me. And I'll confirm to Yang that you weren't blabbing any secrets on purpose." Then she took another hit, eyes watering at the odd burning sensation in the back of her throat. The fumes were starting to bother her less by now.

"Cool, cool. Now you just gotta argue with the college kids over who gets the spare bedroom and who gets the sofa," Sun jested. He felt just as bad for them both being the ones to tell Yang. But at the end of the day, knowing it was better that Weiss knew was what kept him from apologising, or immediately getting defensive and changing the story. After all, she could remind Yang to keep taking them should she ever forget.

No more secrets should be kept anymore after what almost happened.

[mightygarchomp]

Why I Love Goro Akechi: A (Long) Character Analysis

(WARNING: SPOILERS FOR PERSONA 5 LEFT AND RIGHT.)

(ADDITIONAL WARNING: Due to how controversial Goro is as a character, I’m definitely gonna get people disagreeing with me, and that’s perfectly fine. Just don’t start tossing in death threats, kay? Kay.)

Goro Akechi. One of the most controversial characters I’ve ever seen in a video game. Opinions on him are widely varied; either you love the guy and feel sorry for what he’s gone through, you can sympathize with him but dislike the lengths he goes to, or you just plain hate the guy due to his actions.

Well, if you couldn’t tell from the title of this analysis, I’m in the first camp, and proud of it.

I accept the risk of an angry mob going for my head in saying that Goro may just be my favorite character in a video game. I love pretty much everything about him, and yet I’m actually legitimately angry at how Atlus treated the guy. Seriously, they had a goldmine here and they wasted it. But whatever, I’m not here to rant about how disappointing Persona 5’s endgame was (though if you REALLY want me to do that, let me know). I’m here to pick apart Goro Akechi. Just what made him into who he was? How did his newfound Persona powers affect the course of his life? And what lead to him pulling the ultimate sacrifice? I’ll be answering all these questions - and hopefully more - in this analysis on the dashing Crow.

Part 1: A Life Full Of Hatred - How Goro Became Who He Was

All of the Phantom Thieves have pretty terrible lives, don’t they? The death of Futaba’s mother gave her some pretty intense survivor’s guilt, Haru’s stuck in an arranged marriage with the worst fiance imaginable, et cetera. Well, I think very few people will argue with me when Goro has the worst of it - save perhaps Futaba, but she gets over her issues. That never truly happens to Goro, even in his final moments. And can you really blame him?

The basic gist of it is this: Goro was born as an illegitimate child who was abandoned by his dad before he was even born. His mother either died from childbirth or killed herself out of shame, which left Goro to be passed around from foster home to foster home by the court. Throughout his entire life he’s never really had anyone to call a friend due to being shunted around. And note that this is just what he tells you before you find out what he’s really up to. When you find out who that dad is, things get much worse.

Goro’s dad is none other than Masayoshi Shido, the main antagonist of the game and one of the most heartless characters I’ve ever seen in a video game. Of course, Goro resented Shido for abandoning him, but he couldn’t really do anything. I’m not completely sure how Goro managed to find out how Shido was his dad, but that’s less an issue with his character and more an issue with Persona 5’s writing, so we’ll skip over that.

A lot of people like to say Goro’s just a guy with daddy issues, but I’d like you guys to keep in mind that this takes place in Japan. If you live in America, then this probably isn’t as much of an issue, but in Japan, being a bastard child is a huge problem, to the point where you’re basically born an outcast. Japan has a family registration system called koseki, which - until 2013 - did nothing to protect against discrimination towards illegitimate children. And keep in mind that his foster homes were probably aware of this, so imagine all of the hatred and discrimination he went through.

Honestly, with this information, it’s no wonder he grew into the bitter, resentful person he was. Never being acknowledge by his father, having to put up with loads of abuse... his early childhood was a terrible mess, to the point where he seems to have little in the way of self-worth. He outright calls himself a “disgrace to the world”. It also puts his ultimate plan into perspective, considering this would destroy Shido’s reputation - and also any trust in government, which would throw society into chaos AND give him the revenge and closure he desired on all the adults who abused him.

Despite his princely detective mask and fame, he has some pretty deep-rooted issues to the point where he’s not only angry that the Phantom Thieves are “better than him” (as he perceives it) but also terrified. The few things he actually has in life - his fame and image - were at risk of being worthless, considering he perceived the Thieves as having things he didn’t despite him being much more successful than them. It shows that even with all this fame he’s not really that happy. And worst of all, he had no chance to change his terrible life.

Or did he?

Part 2: A Chance At Revenge - Goro’s Wild Card Abilities and His Father

Goro may have hit rock bottom, but he found hope when he gained the ability to use Personas - and also the possible power to get revenge on his father, who he was formerly powerless against. But he’s not just any Persona user; he’s a Wild Card. This wouldn’t be much of a big deal before Persona 3, considering from what I know everyone was a Wild Card, but after Persona 3? We never really got Wild Cards other than the protagonist, save maybe Adachi. And even then, Goro was the only one to actually use multiple Personas in battle. Or, well... two.

See, most people complain that Goro’s boss fight could have been a lot cooler, with him switching between Personas, but these people are missing the entire deal of the Wild Card. Goro was unable to fully utilize the power of the Wild Card because he had no bonds. Of course, you may wonder in that case... what’s the deal with his Personas? Which one is the original, and how did he get a second one? Well, my theory is that Loki is the original. It would make sense, given his whole deal of causing mental shutdowns and sending people berserk - the main thing he did with Loki.

Of course, in that case, how did he get Robin Hood? Well, my theory is that there is one bond he made: his bond with Joker. He’s legitimately regretful about the turn of events that leads to his boss fight, and wishes he could have met Joker beforehand. Morgana even points out that he’s happy when he’s with Joker. The other Thieves treat him with scorn initially, and by the time they start warming up to him, it’s not enough to get a true bond. But Joker was... well, depending on your choices, the nicest one to him. At the very least, he’s the one who interacts the most with Goro.

Of course, there’s probably going to be the inevitable argument of “you can still fuse Personas if you don’t have the Social Links yet”. However, one thing I’d like you guys to keep in mind is that we have no confirmation that Goro even got to see the Velvet Room. During his confrontation, his exact words are “Someone, be it god or demon, gave me a chance...” which implies that he has no idea how he got Persona powers. If he doesn’t have access to Igor and the Velvet Room assistants (notably, Caroline and Justine never mention him) then how’s he supposed to fuse new Personas? He had no one to guide him into believing he could negotiate with Shadows, either, unlike Joker. So it makes sense that the only Personas he have would be born from his own heart - one from his sheer hatred for the world and Yaldabaoth’s gift, and the other one being from his bond with Joker.

With that out of the way, let’s talk about Goro’s plans from there: he came to Shido as an unknown benefactor and offered him his services. Of course, seeing as Shido saw him as a useful pawn, he accepted, and the two entered a partnership. Goro was effectively Shido’s personal hitman - and this started two years prior to the events of the game. Basically, Goro became an assassin right out of middle school.

Of course, the biggest elephant in the room is... if Goro is so sympathetic, why did he murder so many people, including being responsible for Wakaba Isshiki and Kunikazu Okumura’s deaths? Well, the thing is... keep in mind Goro has gone through a lot. His dad was basically responsible for his terrible life, and since we can infer he was regularly abused at his households, he probably became pretty fixated on getting revenge. Imagine not getting closure for over a decade for someone who made your life a living hell. Goro is very determined to get revenge on his father, no matter the circumstances. He pretty much had to do exactly what Shido told him if he wanted to get revenge. Keep in mind Shido is willing to kill pretty much anybody who isn’t useful to him anymore. One wrong step and Goro would probably be a victim.

Furthermore, another thing to keep in mind is that throughout all his live, Goro has been severely affection starved. He’s had no friends or family that really loved him. At this point he’s willing to do anything to get acknowledgment from someone even if it’s just for his talents. By the time he found a real friend in Joker, he thought it was too late to really change. Goro outright admits he just wanted to be loved and acknowledged by someone, but due to his own narrow-minded views and the refusal to accept the fact that he wasted two years of his life murdering people and obeying the person he hates most for nothing, his ability to back out is long gone. In Goro’s life, anyone could die.

The most important thing, however, is that even with Persona powers, he’s just a kid going up against a powerful conspiracy. What could he do to escape the cycle of abusive homes? The only real option he could think of to take was revenge. And honestly, I can’t blame him. Even if he’s done some terrible things, he couldn’t really be a hero in the first place, considering he didn’t even know stealing hearts was possible until it was too late.

Luckily, he did see the light in the end... kind of.

Part 3: A Desire For Redemption - The Lead-Up To Goro’s Sacrifice

With my personal disdain for Persona 5’s endgame, I won’t deny that Goro’s redemption arc could have been handled far better. That said, there are clear signs of it. The big question for this section: What built up to Goro eventually sacrificing himself for the Phantom Thieves in a situation that he could’ve escaped from if he had done something as simple as move back a little?

Well, let’s start with the most important part: his friendship with Joker. As you find out in Shido’s cruise ship, despite being a traitor, Goro didn’t lie about his past to Joker - he just left out the more important parts. For a guy who’s perfectly willing to lie and seems heartless, that’s kind of odd, wouldn’t you think? Why would he spill such personal details? It’s obvious he holds Joker in high regard, which is made even more evident as you meet up with him more often and rank up his Confidant. In the final confrontation with him, before he starts to get more hostile, he laments that he couldn’t have met Joker earlier, before he deemed it too late to change.

This carries further through the dungeon he joins you in. Throughout the Palace, Goro is getting hazed by the other Thieves because they’re onto him. However, as the dungeon goes on they start to respect him more for his wit and assistance. Goro was probably feeling good about being admired by people who aren’t complete sociopaths like Shido, and he no doubt wanted to hold onto that feeling, but ultimately decided to go forward because he had sunk too much into his mission with Shido. How could I assume this? Well, after he kills Joker and talks to Shido about the deed, he manages to convince Shido not to have him off the other Thieves, AND also ignores Morgana’s existence and lies about it to Shido - the man he’s pretty much the obedient puppet of at this point. That speaks volumes.

So what happens when the Thieves manage to convince him that it’s not too late for his life to take a turn for a better? Well, one beating-the-crap session out of him later, they outright admit they admire his strength and wit, but also gently admonish him for his power being fueled by hate and anger. Then they give him the option to join them against Shido - for real. A part of me wonders what would have happened if he was able to say yes before Cognitive Goro showed up...

Regardless, this leads to Goro pulling the ultimate sacrifice: blocking himself off from the party and performing a mutual kill on his cognitive self. We’ve already established the lead-up to this, but one thing I noticed is that Goro had an easy escape route. If he just moved a little bit - or, hell, even dived - he could have ended up on the other side of the wall and Cognitive Goro would have been unable to stop him. Why didn’t he? Well...

The biggest reason is that even if Goro changes, as many fans like to point out, his crimes aren’t magically erased. Goro is well aware what he’s doing is wrong, even if he considers it his own twisted “justice” at the same time. Given his demeanor after he’s defeated and the fact that he didn’t reform due to how much he had put into this plan, it’s easy to say he probably doesn’t think he can atone for his crimes with any method other than, well, death.

The other reason is also interesting: Should Goro have escaped, that wouldn’t have helped with Cognitive Goro. He’d still be active and roaming the Palace and could kill the Thieves. Goro’s intelligent enough that he probably considered this and wanted to remove the Thieves’ biggest opponent for good - and the only way to do that was by sacrificing himself.

Or, y’know, he just didn’t have enough energy to move out of the way in time.

Part 4: Closing Thoughts + Should Goro Turn Out To Be Alive?

This doesn’t really relate to his character, but I figured it’d be interesting to include. There are people who think Goro should either stay dead or turn out to be alive, but have to atone for his crimes. What do I think?

Well, this is down to some heavy personal preferences, but I think Goro should stay alive... but only because his redemption arc was pretty rushed due to the endgame’s rather poor writing. They could have done so much more with Goro, honestly, but his redemption arc just kinda happened - and what makes it worse is that he’s mentioned maybe three times max after his death.

The reason I think Goro should have survived his death is because he deserves so much more than what he got. His arc could’ve been absolutely wonderful with how complex a character he is. All he wanted was acknowledgment and love, and we can all relate to that, right? He may have committed some truly heinous crimes, but I think he would have turned out far differently with the right people around. Even if no one else will, I’ll stick up for him any day and give him the affection and respect he deserves.

Thanks for reading.

[cloudbatcave]

Firestar’s Quest - REMIXED (10.2)

and we’re back on the bullshit. 

“I promise you,” he added, “we’ll do everything we can to make sure it doesn’t settle in our territory.”

brah it was already there. you’re going to have to kill it. or just wish really hard that it goes elsewhere. you can’t be patrolling for it always, that’d be a waste of time and manpower. catpower?

“Ferncloud didn’t look convinced”

Yeah I wouldn’t be either, what with the whole “let’s not kill the badger now and just follow it for some reason despite it being a very clear threat that already murdered one of us.”

“They’re badly shaken,” Graystripe commented

I for one always sleep better at night knowing that my leader makes well-informed, decisive choices.

“This is a bad time for them to lose their mother.”

Is there ever a good time to lose your mother? Sandstorm’s logic either operates on a level I don’t understand, or more likely, it doesn’t exist.

Firestar nodded sadly. “It’s the first cat we’ve lost since the battle with BloodClan. I think it’s hard for all of us to understand that even if we’re at peace with the other Clans, the forest isn’t completely safe.”

That makes perfect se - oh, no, wait, all of these cats know full well what Clan life is like and know it’s often dangerous and harsh because they were raised this way.

No, Firestar, it’s because death is a sad and traumatic thing as your narration has told me repeatedly and yet you put forth THIS bullshit reasoning instead.

It’s the inconsistency that bothers me more than anything! I’m used to Firestar being an idiot, but usually what he says and does at least matches up with his internal monologue. Not so in this chapter, apparently.

“She was much loved.” Dappletail rasped, smoothing the gray warrior’s fur with one forepaw. “And far too young to die. She had much more to give her Clan.” 

“I know,” Firestar agreed, feeling hollow with grief.

See? Dappletail the minor character gets decent dialogue that shows her emotions. Firestar does not, for some inscrutable fucking reason, even though he’s the protagonist and thus the one we’re supposed to sympathize with. Spoiler alert, but I sympathize more with Sootpaw in this one chapter than I will with him during the whole damn book.

That’s four hundred more pages in which I will feel flickers of sympathy that are always rapidly extinguished by whatever massively stupid thing he does next. 

“He had been with Willowpelt when the badger attacked Sootpaw, but he had been unable to save her. Call yourself a leader? He asked himself savagely.”

Oh, would you look at that, finally some internal narration that isn’t as cardboard as a rice krispies box! Tragically it won’t last. 

Shame, because if Firestar’s self-doubt, guilt, and helplessness over his limitations as leader were ever explored in any depth he might actually be sympathetic. He’s young! Practically the only reason he’s in charge is because everyone more qualified conveniently died off! It’s very reasonable for him to be feeling this way.

But they’re never lingered on, just touched on in throwaway lines that get passed over because status quo is god and Firestar must forever remain a blank slate for me to scream at.

He decides he can’t leave his Clan to look for SkyClan, because even if he can’t protect them from everything, they need him. Sensible!

“Firestar looked up at Silverpelt, wondering if the starry warriors approved of his decision. But the glittering specks of light seemed very far away, and they gave no answer.”

It’s actually something of a sad moment to see Firestar looking to StarClan for validation, as is his habit, despite knowing they’ve lied to him, and it makes sense because he’s desperate right now. 

but naturally by the end of the book his faith will be totally restored and nothing changes, because god forbid someone be negatively changed by a crisis and also remain a titular good guy.

Willowpelt gets buried. Firestar goes to sleep and, not unusually, is dreaming. For some reason instead of Spottedleaf, his former lust, we get Silverstream, Graystripe’s dead lust and baby mama. 

She catches him a fish, and tells him that the life she gave him for loyalty is for what he knows to be right.

“I always knew it was right for me and Graystripe to be together, even though we came from different Clans. There are some things that are too big to be contained in the warrior code.”

...right, that romance that essentially killed you because you wound up having your children on your own to hide them being half-Clan and bleeding out. I’m glad that felt right, Silverstream.

I’m not going to comment on whether she’s right or not, the morality of the warrior code is its own big discussion I don’t feel like having right now, but the validity of this advice is...low, at best, because it doesn’t really mean much.

You could argue Firestar should go help SkyClan, or what’s left of it, because it’s the right thing to do regardless of his other obligations. However, as he points out earlier, his first duty is to his Clan. Not that SkyClan is less worthy of help, but going to help them is a gamble; while he has lives to use up, leaving his Clan would immediately make them more vulnerable to attack by other Clans. 

But Silverstream addresses none of this and basically tells him to be a Disney princess and follow his heart.

Not useful advice for a guy who, as we just got a very graphic reminder of, is responsible for several lives.

Firestar wakes up and ponders this sage wisdom from beyond the grave.

“The warrior code did not account for everything that happened beneath the stars, and now he had to make amends for what the other four Clans had done so long ago. Since a StarClan cat had come to tell him this, was it the will of his warrior ancestors that the lost clan be restored? Perhaps StarClan even felt guilty for what they had allowed to happen.”

There’s a lot to unpack here.

While this is true - naturally, there are other morality systems and ways of life out there - Firestar is, as Clan leader, expected to both obey and enforce the code. There’s literally a tenet in it saying that the word of the Clan leader is the warrior code. He’s slightly important, both as a symbol and in genuine power given his nine lives and authority.

So it’s not really optional for him, just sayin’. 

Also, I don’t buy this turnaround from StarClan for a second, mostly for reasons I’ve detailed in past blogs (namely Bluestar’s attitude toward the whole thing, but admittedly Bluestar is terrible and I probably shouldn’t judge everyone just because she behaved badly) and while I wouldn’t cite guilt as a reason, I would say that StarClan wants Firestar to do the dirty work because they know they can easily influence him by using people he trusts to whisper in his ear (Spottedleaf, Silverstream).

I wind up being basically proven right later, but that’s a ways off.

Additionally, this raises the question of - just how united is StarClan? We’ve seen them disagree before, and Bluestar said the complete opposite when Firestar visited the Moonstone. Does Silverstream speak for them all now, or just herself? Is this genuine remorse from her, all of them, or just manipulation agreed on by her and them? Is she being coerced? 

We never know, because StarClan is always assumed to be morally in the right; even during this book, the idea that they can make mistakes doesn’t stick, because the characters still rely on them wholeheartedly. It’s annoying and it prevents a lot of exploration that would actually make them interesting.

StarClan’s approval itself is fairly worthless in-universe in regards to their poor judgment and general impotency, but I’m treating it as meaningful in the context of Firestar’s belief and how they’re using it to push him one way or the other. 

doing actual in-depth analysis makes these posts longer (who could’ve known??) so I’m once again stopping here and I’ll hopefully finish in the third part.

[exileseverafter]

Chapter 4

The Princess of the Flower Folk

“Just because someone might have a heart of marshmallow doesn’t mean you or I have the right to shape it for our own sakes.”

At times the laboratory grew unbearably claustrophobic. It seemed shameful for one born in caverns to experience a fear of tight spaces, but somehow the knowledge that there was a greater, wide space beyond the thin walls of her temporary home made something in Philomene itch far beneath her skin. It kept her restless, so she worked as quickly as her back would allow to keep herself focused. It was her own fault, she knew, letting her chambers grow so cluttered. She just couldn’t turn down any of the treasures Marjorie brought back from the Market, even if most of them proved to be magically worthless. The petal of a deep blue flower hung over one window, tinting the light streaming through a sharp violet. The skull of a mouse sat upon the dresser, gleaming white and grinning in a way that made the beast seem fearsome even in death. Twice she’d nearly tripped over something, foolishly risking further injury at a time when she knew she wouldn’t have access to the palace doctor. She only had enough energy to spend her time researching or tidying up, and organizing her “summer home,” as Marjorie had jokingly put it, wasn’t a priority. The mirror helped. A great, jagged shard leaning against the wall of the bedroom-turned-laboratory, it bore a red tinge to it suggesting it had once been activated by blood magic. Even if she hadn’t the distaste for it, Philomene Marl Thumbelina doubted she had enough blood to spare to appease it. Instead she’d learned how to activate it with a chant uttered in the right cadence and tone. It seemed to like rhymes. Without magic texts, she had to rely on trial-and-error. It certainly kept her busy. She looked into the mirror with a frown, sitting on the wooden spool she used as a chair and letting her seashell-shaped dress fall around her as she set her cane aside. Her contact had been quiet for some time, and that always worried her. It wasn’t that Marjorie was under a great deal of threat or danger, though the forest was said to be full of enormous wolves and ravenous bears. There were other things to be concerned about when it came to Marjorie. She sighed and sang a lilting tune. “Broken mirror, ‘gainst the wall. You know who, give her a call.” Like liquid metal, Philomene’s reflection warped into a puddle of lavender before displaying a red glass jewel. Philomene had not figured out how to make the mirror display more than still images, but it could at least transmit sound. The jewel flickered as Marjorie’s voice came over from the other line, low and husky as usual. “Your Highness? Is everything alright in there? Nothing amiss?” Philomene shook her head even knowing Marjorie couldn’t see it, dark braids entwined with violet ribbons falling in her face. “I felt a little tremor earlier and thought I heard thunder for some time, but you know I’m perfectly safe in here. And you’re one to worry me and then sound alarmed when I call! Where have you been? It’s been hours.” “Ah, yes. I apologize, Highness. It was, there was…” The red jewel was still for a moment. “Oh, there’s no delicate way to put it. The owner of the house returned.” “…Oh.” Philomene felt herself deflate a bit. “Well, then. That would explain the thunder and the tremors. I suppose I should prepare us for another move. I can secure everything in a matter of a few hours…” She could already sense how sore she’d be after that much work in so little time, but she knew Marjorie couldn’t really help her. And everything had to be secured; her research couldn’t be compromised by a potentially dangerous escape through the forest. There was no evidence a Sky Island giant would be hostile to a Flower Folk princess, but why take the risk? “No, no! You misunderstand. He’s not G. Chulainn. She? Well, I don’t know whether G. Chulainn was a he or a she but he, the host, is not G. Chulainn.” “…This is good news?” “This is fantastic news! He’s a giant indeed, but there seems to be a heart of gold underneath all that bulk. Or maybe bread dough. Marshmallow candy. The sum of it is we can stay, and I’ve even convinced him to let us keep the bedroom.” Philomene raised an eyebrow at this. It wasn’t that she couldn’t buy the idea of a gentle giant; while she only knew giants in an abstract sense as something great and distant, the sprite princess was well acquainted with large, benevolent beings. It just seemed a bit too easy to be true. And it wasn’t that she suspected trickery on the part of a giant, who would have no reason to hide his nature if he had the famed strength of his kind. “Marjorie.” Marjorie knew that tone right away, it seemed. “I didn’t trick him!” “Marjorie.” “I was honest with him. I even admitted I was in a perilous situation, and I didn’t make up any stories this time.” Philomene cleared her throat. “Marjorie Muller of the House of Fallen Snow.” The full name was a sharp weapon to wield, one Philomene had learned from her own mother. She didn’t like using it lightly, especially not on her best friend. It did seem to work, as Marjorie mock-whimpered on the other end of the mirror. “I may not have mentioned your presence here. It’s possible I neglected to mention it yet. I mean, why burden him with information that’s of no use to him and will just add to his woes?” ‘She means well,’ Philomene told herself as she took a deep breath, feeling blood rush to her face out of frustration. ‘She was trained to use any art possible to protect me. This is for my sake, so I musn’t be spoiled…’ “So he thinks you just…keep a tiny, grand house around? Do humans really do that?” “Dollhouses, Princess! I told you. It has nothing to do with the Flower Folk. He just thinks I have a hobby. And I mean, it’s not a lie! I just don’t know him well enough yet. I can trust him with my life. What if he’s greedy and learns there’s a ransom out there for you? There’s a lot of-” “A lot of dangers out there. I know.” Philomene looked wistfully out the glass window of her home, where she could see the glint of the fireplace. It wasn’t the glorious blue sky she’d seen in those few lucky glances, but after what had happened last time she could hardly blame Marjorie for being overly cautious. That beautiful sky was full of birds, and she never wanted to face that storm of feathers and ravenous screeching again. “You know how I feel about deception," she continued. "Just because someone might have a heart of marshmallow doesn’t mean you or I have the right to shape it for our own sakes. You should at least tell him sometime. You are planning on telling him sometime?” “I’m planning on finding our solution before then! But, well. I do have good news on that front.” Marjorie sounded a little less guilty and defensive, at least. “He’s of the name Kettle. You think it’s ‘that’ Kettle? He is a cook…” “Kettle?” Philomene’s eyes flew to the few books she’d been able to rescue in their hurried escape. She paid no heed to the culinary arts, but there had been a mention of a Wizard ‘Keytl’ in a history book detailing the schools of magic. “It seems like a bit of a long shot. If he’s down here and not in the Sky Islands, he’s probably not all that formidable. But living with a cook wouldn’t be so bad…” “Hey! You don’t like my scrambled eggs? Just because they’re a little burnt…” Philomene covered her mouth and chuckled. “I didn’t mean to insult your cooking, honestly. Crispy eggs are fine. And the blueberry slices made for a fine side dish. You’re honestly too good to me and here I am needling you…” “If you were the sort to accept things without question, I’d be a little less enthusiastic about being your handmaiden. And jester. And bodyguard.” Marjorie sounded as if she were in equally good humor. “Anyway, I’m going to market tonight.” “Again? I told you, the medicine doesn’t work as well if you’re sleep-deprived.” “And if I miss a crucial ingredient or artifact because I’m catching my beauty sleep, the Thumbelina Kingdom pays for it. I mean, oh, you don’t have to worry about me! Really. I’m a big girl, Your Highness, even for a human.” Marjorie’s voice sounded a bit too flippant to be convincing, which didn’t help the knot of guilt that formed in Philomene’s stomach whenever Marjorie’s condition came up. “But if you order me to stay in, I’ll stay…” Philomene clutched the edge of her bell-shaped sleeves and frowned, pulling at the frayed satin fabric. Marjorie would stay if she ordered it; with one word from Philomene, Marjorie would act as if she’d forgotten the very existence of that strange Moonflower Market, and they could proceed with a curse-breaking plan that didn’t involve dealing with witches. But that plan didn’t exist, and like it or not, Moonflower appeared to be their best shot. Without it she wouldn’t have the cowrie shell sitting in the corner of the lab, worn smooth with arcane markings, or the mirror shard, the spindle-needle heavy with fairy magic or the bridge of an enchanted fiddle. That none of Philomene’s experiments on those artifacts and fragments had led to more than curiosities was besides the point; they had led to something, at least. And as a princess, it was her duty to prioritize that over the well-being of a friend who insisted she was fine. “You can go,” she relented, defeat evident in her voice. “But you’re spending the next three nights sleeping. And take your medicine with tea or food! Melchior tells me you’ve been chewing it dry and swallowing it with a little water. It’s not as effective that way.” “Melchi-ugh, that nosy little moth! As you wish, Doctor. I mean, Princess.” The transmission ended seconds later, the image rippling away to reveal Philomene sitting with her soft-slipper shoes hanging over the edge of the wooden spool. She grabbed her cane and eased herself down, dusting herself off and walking over to the wooden block she used as a worktable, having found the miniature Marjorie had carved for her too delicate to be practical for her purposes. She reached over and tied her hair up in a wrap to get it out of the way, rolled up her sleeves and frowned. Sitting on the block was a bean, light green in color, swollen to double its original size from an overnight water bath. If Marjorie worried about her going outside of the dollhouse, this would give the bodyguard-jester fits. Even Philomene had to admit it was completely reckless on her part to have exposed the bean to water, though it hadn’t shown any signs of strange activity or rampant growth. A quick cut had split it right open, revealing it to be a perfectly ordinary bean. Either Marjorie’s hunch was correct and this was another fake, or there was another factor at work. “It’s so strange. Beans, roses, peas…How can something so innocuous as a plant doom an entire city?”

(Author’s note: And hey, here’s Philomene! We’ve almost got the main cast all together.)