#SOBBING INTERNALLY REALLY REALLY HARD RN... | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

slutfor-fictionalmen · 4 years ago

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hi hi! I hope this message isn’t too late or anything, since I only just seen the one you send me this morning! Also I accidentally deleted your messages while trying to reply 🤦‍♀️

But if it’s still alright, may I request an Armin Arlert x slightly thicker/chubby reader? just something soft and simple! maybe he’s noticed that the reader doesn’t eat very much anymore, and is skipping meals, and he confronts her about it, because he doesn’t want her getting sick or something happening. She obviously gets a little upset about it, and like, tells him she’s been having a hard week and has been super insecure lately. She just doesn’t like the way she looks, and Armin comforts her and stuff! All the love and cuddles! 🥰 I’m in need for this rn honestly 😭

I hope i did it right!! Things are more internalized due to my own self indulgence, i hope you like it!!

Tw: self harm(starving)

Another day passed, and you hated being in the corps more and more, with the men objectifying you and the women with their fake smiles and judgemental looks, aside from Mikasa that is. You felt her hand on your shoulder, staring right back at them as you passed.

She was the only girl-friend you’ve ever had, which makes your bond with each other especially strong, she called you her therapy stuffed animal( in a good way) with how loving and kind you were when she came home to eren’s house. You were always there, you gave her her first jacket, you bear-hugged her when she was at her worst and missed her parents, you stood by her and never faltered. Even going as far as telling off Eren for being tactless to her feelings, poor boy has no social cues.

Eren loved you for how truly different you really are, despite being an only child, you were his sister, as much as a pain in the ass you are. But this called for you being apart of his and Mika’s friend group with no doubt. Being part of erens tight knit group of friends means you were automatically loved by eren, mika…. And armin.

You always had a fondness for the shy blonde, his all bark and no bite nature stole your heart. You met at a young age but only connected through Eren, he always tells you to thank him for that introduction despite your efforts to play off your crush being in vain. You loved how… pure he looked, how in a world full of death and violence, he could always bring light into your day with a smile or a story. No matter what you could count on his smile,you could count on him.

That’s why you hated today with a passion.

“We have extra food, which one of you dumbasses didn’t eat all your shit?” You sighed, walking away from the situation you caused. It wasn’t a good day, their comments bugged you today for some reason, and Armin wasn’t there to perk up the atmosphere of this gloomy day. Making it unreasonably difficult for you to focus on your own health today, this isn’t even the first time this has happened. It’s been a week of irregular meals, constant moving, and titan stress. It wasn’t like you were trying to starve, you just didn’t have the time.

And you didn’t notice till today.

“Lookin’ thinner, bunny… are you eating well?” You ignore eren’s concerned comment, pressing forward with the group in disturbed silence. This was the fifth comment today about your looks that you’ve gotten. You weren’t a small person, you had extra meat, and you had curves, paired with your adorable tiger stripes, but you know for a fact that starving this little would not affect your appearance that much. It irritated you, and you vowed to tell off the next person who said anything.

“Y/n can-“ “Oh my GOD, are you SERIOUS? I’ve been eating! I havent lost that much weight and i don’t want to hear your Perverted FUCKING Mouth say anything! It’s idiotic for you to continue to act like a jealous schoolgirl and make your ‘sly’ comments! So just Shut up!”

You finally open your eyes from your rant, regretful as your irises meet two bright blue eyes on a horrified face. “I was just going to ask if you can slow down and walk with me-“ Guilt floods your mind as you ear him squeak out his words. You lower your gaze and nod, moving to the back of the group with the boy. It didn’t matter how long this would be, you knew Levi would make you set up for camp soon.

“ ‘m sorry armin, you didn’t deserve that, I’m just-“ “Don’t apologize, you didn’t mean it to me but it was still valid. But never mind that, are you ok? Yes you haven’t been eating but you’ve been…. Cold lately..” You wanted to tell him, just say, ‘ I’m so in love with you that even a few days without your voice makes me angry as shit’ but you knew it wasn’t the right time…. And besides, would he even accept a girl like you?

“I’m fine, just stressed, tired, and overwhelmed…. It’s a lot you know?” Armin nods walking closer to you and letting your answer settle before your group sets up for camp and your pace continues to slow.

“You’re beautiful no matter what, I’ve read articles that said starving is actually terrible for your body, unintentional or not, it won’t end up good. If i have to,” He flushes, continuing to look ahead,” I’ll stay with you all day to make sure you’re eating and drinking water.” You freeze, feeling flushed as you watch him walk away and realize that he just offered to be around you all day just for you to be healthy.

You shake it off, keeping his words at the forefront of your mind before you get ready to retire for the night. You find a note on your blanket, asking you to meet armin at his tent with water and a blanket. Curious as to what it means you do as the note says, waiting at armin’s tent before he opens the zipper with a happy smile, welcoming you inside.

“You got the water?” You lift up the container, making him nod and turn away to a covered pile in his room. He takes the cover off, revealing the food he gathered for you two. “You didn’t eat again, so I didn’t either. And before you say anything, i got some of everything so you have to eat SOMETHING! I told you all day didn’t I?” You look at him with teary eyes, your emotions of the week spilling out at his gesture.

Sobs wrack your body before he pulls you into his form, engulfing you in a warm hug. You feel him draw soothing circles on your back, rocking you and letting out slow shushes in attempts to calm your mind. You feel him kiss the top of your head and rubbing your back more before he pulls away and guides you to the setup of food.

He grabs you a plate of everything, making you sit and eat with him. You nibble at your food, uninterested in grossing out the guy you like by eating in front of him. But that only made him take your fork and feed you himself, he was determined for you to take care of yourself and love yourself as he loves you. You notice him watch you eat with admiration, happy to see you finally giving yourself some nourishment. You hear him sigh and hesitate, but you leave it untouched before he breaks the silence.

“You know…. I’ve loved you for years, ever since you punched out that kid who threatened me for speaking up, and how you always listened to me talk about the books I’ve read and things I’ve heard-“ “i know, i love you too armin.” “No not like that, I’m IN love with you, like i want to hold your hands, kiss you everywhere, curl into you at night, i want to love you.” You stop mid chew, maintaining eye contact as you swallow and stare at him.

“Are you serious?” “Yes.” “Like you’re not-“ “Y/n L/n I am completely and utterly in love with you.” You push the food aside, crawling between his legs and curling up onto his chest and wrapping your arms around his torso. “I love you so much it hurts armin. It hurt me so badly when you wouldn’t talk to me, i don’t know what i did but i was so mad that i pushed you away.”

Armin tilted your chin up, pressing a quick kiss to your lips before he grabbed onto your soft form with a passion. “I’ll never do that again, I’m so sorry beautiful.” You hold onto him tighter pressing your ear to his chest to hear his heartbeat. “You really think I’m beautiful?”

He pulls away, reaching over you to grab your blanket…. Man he really plans things out, before he wraps it around you both and presses a kiss to your temple. He lets his hands sink into your skin, loving how your soft skin feels on his fingertips. His lips pepper kisses on your neck, pulling slightly back to press a kiss onto your hairline. You loved how gentle he was with you, you already knew the answer to to your question before he even opened his mouth.

“More then you can ever know, my love.”

#tw: self doubt #armin x you #armin x chubby reader #attack on titan #armin #chubby!reader #plus sized reader #fluff #aot fluff #aot angst #angst #angst with a happy ending #poc!reader #sorry it’s so bad

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hellonoblesky · 3 years ago

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hi dovie im writing that fanfic where albatross sneaks into soukokus bed. i need to know what his terrors would be about (im giving you a "PLEASE GIVE ME A CHARACTER ANALYSIS IM BEGGING YOU" look rn btw)

LOVe. LOVELOVE LVOE PEACE AND LOVE MWAH MWAH

SO. So. In the Trainwreck Trio au Albatross is the sole survivor of Verlaine's killing of the Flags, yeah? So he has nightmares n stuff from That alongside survivor's guilt, and a feeling of inadequacy because he couldn't save Doc who was the one person he really did think he saved there, and also bc they teased him for not being very smart all the time so he's like "AUGH why do I get to survive but all the smarter people died?? I'm not worth this, god DAMMIT" <- Which feeds into his nightmares and terrors, really sending him into a silly doom spiral of The Horrors

BUT ALSO the only reason Albatross even SURVIVES Verlaine's onslaught is that in this au Wollstonecraft was on standby for repairs for Adam, so Adam calls her and is like "HEY I THINK VERLAINE JSUT FUCKING MAIMED ALL OF CHUUYAS FRIENDS GO?? CHECK ON THEM PLEASE AND THANK YOU" so she goes in there with a team and they re-stabilize Albatross literally by having to move the majority of his organs and internal functioning system into a metal vessel and then working circutry and robotics through him so he's functional enough to pass as a normal person (given that no one pays attention to or makes contact to any part of him lower than his chest because it is Metal you knock on that man's stomach you hear Clanging)

^ This is important because alongside the Terrors and Horrors of watching pretty much his entire found family get torn apart right in front of him, Albatross begins a spiral into a state of questioning his personal humanity, the thought of "I should be dead I should be dead I'm not dead because of these machines in me I'm part of a machine now am I a Person anymore??"

Which feeds into a self-isolation that was originally fueled by his survivor's guilt and probably PTSD, because now he's like "Oh. oh those are normal people I don't think i. i deserve that. ok. hm. ok i'm leaving now."

AND TO HIM. TO HIM?? CHUUYA AND DAZAI BOTH FALL UNDER THE CATEGORY OF HUMAN. HE LOOKS AT THEM AND HE'S LIKE "Yeah... there they are,,, just normal guys..... not exactly the normallest of guys but they're more people than I am i think,,"

So, you remember that one post about dead albatross symbolysm? The kin awakening one? Yeah so the frantic sobbing-so-hard-he-can't-breath breakdown I mentioned he probably had at the end of that? That's like, within the AU timeline, so it's like

>SB Events >The Horrors (Self-Isolation Version) >Breakdown/Tipping Point (Catalyst for him being able to Begin to return to regularly interacting with people, starting w Chuuya) >The Horrors Pt2 (Adjusting to everything) <- This is the stage where the drawing I did takes place in! He's too unstable to just be able to Ask to stay over but he figures if he can Sneak in then it's fine >Dark Era (He's a lot better at this point but also he has an episode about Dazai leaving because Losing People Doesn't Go Over Well With Him) >Current day (Epic Gamer moment)

ANYWAY so the Terrors and Horrors you want to go for for ur fic are probably feelings of like. Feeling lost and struggling to find closeness but also being so close and Needing that closeness to someone, an unhealthy dose of anxiety but specifically the anxiety you feel when it's mixed with depression so it's anxiety but somehow?? Slower. Like it's definitely Anxiety but mixing it with Depression made it's constancy thicker so it's less a "fidget nervous gotta run gotta go fear fear fear" feeling and more of a "the swamp is swallowing me and the branch is just out of reach but if i can just move a little to the side here jsut a little", if that ??? Makes sense??

TL:DR: Survivor's guilt and a feeling of displacement. Horrors and terrors of the Depression stage of grief mixed with Anxiety

AND if you have other questions I can answer them :)!!!!!!!<333

#turtledove answers #trainwreck trio #bsd shit #TAG ME IN THE FIC WHEN ITS DONE AUGH IM SPINNIGN AROUND SO FAST RN /POSITIVE #IM liTLEjt jLSDFZHDKJBKJDFHKJSDFJH RYASUFH

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racingliners · 2 years ago

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F1 Re-Watch 2022: Round 22 - Abu Dhabi

😭

Well friends, here we are 🥲

While it has been more enjoyable than I thought watching (almost) the entire season back, it’s also been very emo whenever the TV feed would cut to Seb and realise it was his last race at each circuit.

Obviously, I had to follow AD live in some way so I actually listened to the BBC Sport radio coverage for quali and the race, and then watched C4 highlights so I’ve heard the race in full and seen chunks of it (and I started full on ugly sobbing on the last lap at the time, bc you know, feelings)

Well, let’s whip out the tissues and see Seb’s last ever F1 race (😭😭😭😭😭)

How coherent will this liveblog be? Great question I have no idea

Also worth noting I’m watching the International feed, as I have done with the other 19 races, I’ll likely watch Seb’s onboard cam in my own time and blubber in peace

Also they really had Seb last on the F1 intro I’m not okay 😭

Less starting grid whiplash as I was vaguely aware of the grid order at the time

but SEB TOP 10!!!! 😭

argh, I’m getting emo already and we’re not even at the formation lap.

I genuinely thought I’d be fine watching this back, apparently not.

[Formation Lap]: Virtually everyone starting on the mediums apart from Kevin and Bottas on the hards and Gasly on the softs bc ?????

Also I find it so wild how close the battles for P2 in the drivers and constructors championships were like, especially when you consider how many more races Ferrari won compared to Merc

cut to Norbert and Antti in the AM garage 😭

[Start/Lap 1]: Lewis jumping Sainz at the start!! 🥳🥳

And Sainz pushes him off bc 🙃

[Lap 2]: Well that was a surprisingly eventful first lap, by Abu Dhabi standards anyway

I will not be talking about FIA bullshittery bc I want to be able to enjoy the rest of my day after this 🥲

[Lap 3]: Anyway Seb watch: He’s still in P9 💚

[Lap 4]: Bono sounding more done than normal at the FIA nonsense, a mood

[Lap 5]: And Lewis getting P4 back, noice

[Lap 6]: The Red Bulls being 2 and a bit seconds clear of everyone just about sums up 2022

Also like... having the final race of the season at Abu Dhabi is not the brightest idea bc the track is... eh.

I mean is it pretty and looks good on camera? Yes. Does it give us entertaining races? No.

[Lap 7]: Seb closing up to the back of Ocon, go get him!!!

(I am usually a pro-Estie Bestie household, but the needs of the Seb outweigh the needs of the many)

[Lap 8]: Sainz re-passing Lewis, I hate it here

but Seb and Esteban racing for 8th >>>>

midfield spice (beloved)

[Lap 9]: And Russell passes Lewis for 5th, I know Lewis eventually retires with a mechanical issue but I can’t remember what specifically

[Lap 10]: Lewis switching between engine modes and nothing works... pain

Meanwhile Seb is the filling in and Alpine sandwich

yes I’m very biased, but I will never, ever tire of watching Seb race. It’s very beautiful to watch

And livery watch: Aston Martin under floodlights very very pretty

[Lap 12]: Another cut to ultimate Grid Dad Norbert in the AM Garage, and one of the AM mechanics sporting a very snazzy stache for Movember

god that shot of Seb trying to swoop round the outside of Esteban, fucking gorgeous

I mean he didn’t get the move done, but it was still beautiful

[Lap 13]: I love how much the TV feed is sticking with the Seb vs Alpine battle, Seb and Fernando always know how to bring the drama no matter the season

and you know... it is by far the most entertaining action on track rn

[Lap 15]: and Esteban pits, mediums for hards

lol at Crofty saying Alpine had to tell Esteban and Fernando to behave themselves for their final race together,

[Lap 16]: Lewis was on the radio saying his tyres were getting better????

This is the wonky timeline, rip “Bono my tyres are gone” 2014-2022

SEB PASSES PEREZ!!!!!

Oh, that sparks so much joy, Aston Martin 1, RBR 0

[Lap 17]: Meanwhile the rest of the front runners are making their first stops, but Russell had an unsafe release 😬

[Lap 18]: Anyway back to Seb vs Fernando, I genuinely could watch an entire race of them just cashing each other down - the poetic cinema of it all

[Lap 19]: Anyway Lewis thinks he has a broken floor so 🙃🥲

[Lap 20]: “He’s [Seb] entitled to fight Sainz every metre of the way” You’re damn bloody right he is Brundle!!!!

That’s my boooooooy

You keep that Ferrari behind you

nvm Sainz made a DRS pass

It was great fun while it lasted though

[Lap 21]: Seb in 5th, stioll yet to stop, iirc he was kept out for ages and ages bc ????

I love Team Green, I really do, but they are not immune to dumb strategies

also Russell given a 5 sec pen for the unsafe release

[Lap 22]: Charles pits for hards and comes out in 3rd in front of Sainz

Seb. Bottas and Kevin the only drivers left to pit

[Lap 23]: Lewis passes Seb for 6th, one last on track Seb and Lewis interaction 😭

Meanwhile Yuki, Bottas and Fernando are having a little scrap over 11th-13th

[Lap 24]: Fernando in 2010 🤝 Fernando in 2022: stuck behind a slower car at Abu Dhabi

ah, Lando adds himself to the “I passed Seb bc he hasn’t pitted” party

It’s fine it’s just bc they all want to see him and give him a proper send off right... right???

[Lap 25]: Seb having one last whine over team radio, which Chris saying that everyone around them is two-stopping, which means Seb is on the one stop

[Lap 26]: HE PITS!!! 😭

and it was a bit slow 🥲

“Is that Sebastian Vettel’s last ever F1 pit stop” Brundle please SHUT UP

Anyway it’s fine we get a Seb overtaking masterclass of making up 8 places over the second half of the race.

[Lap 27]: “Charles Leclerc catching Sergio Perez” Yes, good, excellent.

[Lap 28]: Aaaaaand Alonso DNF. (Helmet watch: no I am still not over his Seb tribute helmet 😭)

And speaking of, Seb just passed Gasly for 16th, the comeback is on besties!!!

[Lap 29]: Livery watch: you know what... I don’t hate the matte Ferrari under the floodlights actually. I will let it off just this once (though pleeeeeease bring black glossy liveries asap I MISS THEM)

[Lap 30]: Perez asking for Verstappen to speed up so he can gain some distance on Charles... if I speak

Anyway, back to Seb, now in P15 after passing Bottas.

And Gasly passed Bottas as well after Bottas locked up.

the replay of Seb’s mechanics applauding his overtake I’m 😭💚

[Lap 32]: Tag yourself I’m Shaquille O’Neal looking very happy to be seeing some F1 cars go zoom

[Lap 33]: Charles is almost in DRS range of Perez 👀

“Lewis is closing in on Russell is anything” putting that broken floor in it’s place, as he should

[Lap 34]: Ah, Perez pits. inch resting.

Lewis purple sector one, feels good feels organic

also helmet watch: Lando’s ultra-black stripes with the metallic blue is sooooo pretty. I love mixed finishes on helmets. JMD never misses.

[Lap 35]: Seb watch: they didn’t play it, but he’s up to P14!!!

[Lap 36]: “Question can you keep this pace with Plan C?” Xavi I will fight you with my fists

I genuinely have mild trauma now whenever I see the Ferrari team radio graphic come up on screen. The downside of watching the 2022 season across 12 weeks 🙃

[Lap 37]: Seb up to P13 after Albon’s stop.

Also it’s proper night time now. Yas Marina is pretty I will give her that.

[Lap 38]: Oh Lewis has been catching up to Russell! He’s within DRS range

“Let me tell you about Sebastian Vettel” We are Ted and Ted is us 💚

[Lap 39]: Mick and Nicky having a little spin into the barriers 🙃🙃🙃

Yuki pits, Seb up into P12!!

Lewis even closer to George since he’s suddenly somehow a chunk faster

[Lap 40]: ah, Sainz and Russell pits.

Mick and Nicky now under investigation for their little spin.

Yelling. Sainz and Russell pitting puts Lewis into third. !!!!

I shouldn’t laugh, but the synchronised spin with Mick and Nicky is ever so slightly funny. Very dance of the sugarplum fairies.

[Lap 41]: Lance pits, Seb is into P11!!!!

Ted doing everything he can to manifest Seb points on his last race I cannot 😭

How has Teed been post-Seb retirement? Is he okay? Do we need to book in another Seb nation group cry and invite him along?

anyway, racing

[Lap 43]: Seb half a second behind Zhou!!!

and again he tries round the outside, doesn’t make it stick but it looks beautiful!!

Meanwhile Lance has joined the party after making his second stop.

[Lap 44]: and Seb makes the pass!! HE’S INTO P10!!!! 🥳🥳🥳

Lewis P3, Seb P10. We can stop the race now.

“I forgot which letter of the alphabet we’re trying this afternoon” I feel like it’s a bit of a paddock in-joke about Ferrari and their strategy woes at this rate

[Lap 45]: Perez passes Lewis but then Lewis re-passes him. That was fun actually.

“Like some sort of sleeping praying mantis” ...okay Crofty. (that was about Lewis btw)

[Lap 46]: Perez passes Lewis and makes it stick this time.

[Lap 47]: *10 Laps remaining klaxon*

“Just tell Checo to go full send” Maybe I’m biased but if I was his team mate I would not find that helpful in the slightest adfvnifvfdvgh

[Lap 48]: “Sebastian Vettel is gaining a bit on Daniel Ricciardo” oh yeah

[Lap 49]: Finally Crofty is getting on the livery watch bandwagon, F1 cars do look pretty under floodlights

argh Lance passes Seb for P10, but granted he was faster 🥲

and Seb having another little whine, god I miss his sarcy team radios.

[Lap 50]: “Yeah leave me alone please thank you” CHARLES I ADORE YOU

You tell em hun, you tell Ferrari to fuck off, I’m so proud.

[Lap 51]: And Lance passes Dan for P9

[Lap 52]: Seb also catching up to Dan

also I forgot how late on Lewis’ DNF was sheesh

also also he just got a black and white flag for track limits svhaegheuh

[Lap 54]: Mick and Bottas having a very spicy little fight for 16th.

[Lap 55]: Meanwhile Perez is about 4 second behind Charles

ughhhhhhhhh and there’s Lewis hydraulic failure 😭😭😭😭

Pain, so so much pain. But it does put Seb in the points. Lewis we honour your sacrifice. I’ll join you to smash the W13 to pieces very soon.

[Lap 57]: I find it so wild that despite all the W13′s failing, that was it’s first mechanical DNF for the entire season. WILD.

the gap between Charles and Perez down to just under 2 seconds.

[Lap 58]: Final lap. and I’m once again a little bit weepy.

I do not give one shit about Verstappen show me Seb 😭

I’m literally just watching Seb’s name on the leaderboard.

[Finish]: Verstappen wins, no one is surprised. Charles finishes P2 and clinch the runners up spots in the drivers and constructors titles.

ahhhhhh Seb chasing down Dan!!!!

and Seb finishes P10. I am weeping at quarter to 1 on a Wednesday morning 😭

Well the race was very meh. Mild midfield spice with the proper battles for almost all the positions from P2 downwards. And a lot of it was down to strategy as opposed to actual racing. So overall a very average 6 front wings out of 10.

And whew, the 2022 season as a whole. We really thought it was going to be a proper title fight after Australia and then Ferrari happened 🥲.

However, my beloved midfield spice saved the season, with Alpine v McLaren and Aston Martin vs Alfa Romeo especially. Like honestly just ignore the title fight and watch the midfield it’s so much more enjoyable (especially with the way 2023 looks to be going asduhsui).

Anyway, the whole reason why I started this was to watch Seb’s last season and there was some great races, some very not good races, but I will forever be so so proud to call him my favourite driver (yes he’s still my fave after retiring this is my blog I can do what I want).

The 2002 season was certainly something. While the title fight wasn’t as entertaining as it could have been, we still had some decent races (Monaco, Silverstone, Austria and Brazil were my faves). And I think we all have the Dutch and Austrian anthems burned into our memories to come degree 🥲.

Auf wiedersehen, and danke fur alles Seb 💚

#F1 Re watch #F1 2022 re watch #F1 Liveblog #Abu Dhabi 22 edition

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ibelonginthepast · 4 years ago

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yoo i really looooved your bucky headcanon thingy it made so much sense???

since you said you loved the marvel one: nat?

Thank you so much dem,, I needed the approval, its very close to me 🥰

AND AH NAT! MY LOVE!!

Sexuality Headcanon: I am gonna go for sex repulsive asexual, pan/bi romantic.

Its ironically funny she uses seduction and sex as a weapon ^_^

She doesn't realize her asexuality for a long long time, and thinks she hates sex because of her trauma and struggles with intimacy. Also cause she doesn't find romance with it ever. She doesn't get it, doesn't realizes its an option to not like sex.

Gender Headcanon: (non binary) she/her. Imma just through some random words. Grace. Feline. Beauty. Alluring. She's that gender that has short chin length curly hair, wears bright red lipsticks, high cheekbones, corsets, black, high heeled boots, knives. U get it.

A ship I have with said character: hmmm ngl I dont think anyone deserves the perfection that she is. Seriously. No one could ever deserve her. Not anyone in mcu yet. BUT, anyone she falls for, I dont mind banner... but I think he wont get her complexity very well. I wanna say valkyrie, but I ship them with cap marvel. Damn I just remembered they really killed nat didn't they? Fuck them. Fucking fuck them. Yeah I dont have a ship for her... no one deserves her yet.

A BROTP I have with said character: HAWKEYE AND NAT I love them so much???? Just so much?????? THEY ARE SO PERFECT, everything about them!!!!! I love how Clint is the soft side of her. I love how nat gets around clint's kids. I love how much nat loves him. How he's the only one who has ever treated her right. I'll actually start sobbing. They are so devoted to each other. I cant even. I love them so much.

A NOTP I have with said character: idk I cant ship her with Steve,, just like not for ever. I like what they had in the movies, how nat struggles with it, but I cant ship them as a legit couple for life nah.

A random headcanon: okay so bts,, nat has a horrible self esteem. she's ambidextrous. she loves dressing up. she prints out photos of rich old white neurotypical able cishet men in power, and practices shooting on them. When she's really mad at Tony or Steve or Banner, she adds them there on her target boards for practice, and it has horrified them to sometimes find their bigass postures punctured with bullet holes. Shes a fierce feminist and wears the label proud. She has had convos around this with every male on her team. She has hit them all in the head, rolled her eyes at their dumbfuck explanations of why they dont like the term feminist and helped them understand better what it is and make them know that they are in fact feminists too. she's an empath. I dont think that even hc, I think its very clearly shown just not acknowledged. Shes extremely forgiving, and believes in redemption of anyone. Shes for rehabilitation, anti-prison. She hates the concept of governments in general. She is nihilistic. She is a communist and passionate about it. She's secretly a philosophy simp, reads a lot about them when she treats herself.

Even though shes all for redemption, she struggles with forgiving herself and is very hard on herself. Her hypocrisy is really cringe and bothering here.

She has a thing for textures. She picks up stones, and cloth pieces and rubs her fingers on them sometimes.

she's an artist. She used to draw in red and black a lot, and has some ink sketches journals, where she has drawn random glimpses of her memories. She longs for a calm life by the sea where she can stargaze. The only time she actually did anything other than ink was, when she tried to pain open night skies and oceans. Cause pics like those make her heart ache. She tries painting them to capture the longing for freedom, otherworldliness, calmness, serenity they make her ache for. But she never captured them right and never was satisfied with them.

Something about her orientation? Because of the red room, she has a very complicated relationship with gender expression. The red room forced a form of femininity on her uk? she was forced to reject traditional soft expression of femininity. But forced the ballet kind of femininity, of using femininity as a weapon, or being powerful with feminine grace. She was forced to use her sexuality as a weapon. She thinks that her need to be voluptuous was something beaten into her in the red room. This all caused her a lot of problems with her identity. When she started recognizing what the red room did to her, she had the urge to be reject her sexual expression. This conflicts with her asexuality too. She tried changing a lot. A lot of internalized misogyny angst here. In her struggles to pursue a romantic relationship, she tried to fit in by being stereotypically feminine too, flowers, motherly devotion and care and all that. But she can't do it. She struggles with understanding want for kids. She struggles with gender roles and confuses them with gender too. She shifts a lot. She struggles with defining her own femininity for a long while. Cause she's naturally emotional, she hates herself for it for a long time cause she associates it with weak aspects of femininity. But eventually, she stops the what ifs, and tho it sounds fucked up, she accepts that the red room made her who she is and she doesn't need to fret over what could have become of her, cause after all our circumstances and environment do shape us. eventually she gets around rejecting gender as a concept, thinks it's fluid, and believes its boxing is a total social construct and fraud. She does what she likes. She goes with she/her pronouns cause she believes that they match with her expression and help people perceive her better and know what to expect.

Cause she ded, am sed. Cant hc her for old age, I wish I could. Really.

General Opinion over said character: what can I say, simp for the emotionally wrecked female power icon who hides all her emotions away and keeps the family together is so very fucking devoted,,, is my shit. I'll do anything for her, she can take me in and make me her slave.

I feel like I didn't do well with her. Idk its 2 am, my brain's not the best rn. Maybe ill add more later. Thanks dem <3 sry if this is disappointing 😔

#natasha romanoff #marvel

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liliesoftherain · 5 years ago

Note

Hello 👋🏾 can you do a scenario or hc for aizawa with prompt 4 “look at me-just breath, okay?”, where the reader is a very closed off introvert who is a teacher at UA as well and is known as the “reserved teacher” because she hides her emotions very well, but something sad in her life effects her personally, and Aizawa notices her off behavior and when he tries to comfort her she pushes him away, but somehow he breaks down her barriers. This is really long, sorry 🥺 It’s sad hours for me rn..

A/N: I have other things to work on but when I saw this and seen that you said you were feeling down, I worked on it because I get it. I hope you’re feeling okay, and if you EVER need to talk to me you can always message me. That goes for anyone!

Title: Let it ot

Pairing: Shouta Aizawa x Reader

4. “Look at me-just breath, okay?”

You loved your job

Or well

Jobs

You really did

And a lot of people understood the importance of teaching the next generation of heroes

So your agency made sure to be as accommodating as they could be

When it came down to both teaching and pro hero work

But just because they tried doesn’t mean they did it well

It was still super stressful no matter how much you loved it

Plus it was really hard for you to say no sometimes

Being extremely introverted you hated confrontation

Almost to the point where you’d do anything to avoid it

So when your agency asked if you could pick up some slack

Pick up a few extra hours

Or if you could do some extra paperwork

You didn’t say no

You just did it.

And boy,

Was wearing you down

Trying to balance all the curve balls life was throwing at you

What else was there to do besides deal with it?

So you took everything with as much grace you could muster

Hiding everything behind your always small smile

So no one could tell what was going on

But you were a fool to think you could hide for long

You had only been dating Shouta for a little over a month

But it seemed he knew you like the back of his hand already

It was one day in particular

Where you were having trouble hiding your feelings when he confronted you

You had been in the teachers lounge alone

Nursing a headache and almost on the verge of tears when he walked in

You hid it with a smile and greeted him like usual

He just stared at you

Your grin never faltered but he knew something was wrong

“How are you.”

Shouta may have been a blunt man

But he cared about your feelings

Well enough to know he should approach you carefully

“I’m fine, students are as great as always. How was your class?”

He knew you were lying, but he humored you for a while

Letting yourself become distracted by talk of his students

And talk of your own

While it was refreshing for a while

You started to go back to how you were originally feeling

Aizawa took note of the way your eyes dimmed for a moment

The way your smile wavered and your demeanor saddened

He couldn’t take it anymore

“What’s been going on.”

“What do you mean?”

“You haven’t been yourself.”

You were taken aback

Not realizing that anyone could tell

“I don’t..”

You didn’t really know what to say

“You can talk to me you know.”

“I’m fine, really Shouta.”

“Are you?”

You were panicking now

Would he think you were annoying?

You were probably upset and stressed over nothing

There was no reason to make it a big deal

There was no reason to get him involved in something so insignificant

“I.. It’s really nothing to worry about. Thank you though.”

You saw him frown and you felt your internal panic skyrocket

You didn’t want to upset him!

That was the whole reason you didn’t want to share your stupid feelings

“You don’t have to put up a face around me.”

He sighed and you rubbed your arm

Your breath picking up as you felt your eyes sting

‘Oh God, not here. Not now!’

He saw how you began to fidget and he felt a small pang in his heart

“Come here.”

He pulled you into his chest

You stilled momentarily and wanted to push away

But he was so warm

So comforting

You held onto the front of his shirt and began to cry

You really didn’t know why you were crying

But it felt nice to let it out

Shouta held you there for a while

Letting your tears dampen his shirt while he soothingly ran his hands in your hair

Until your breathing was hitching due to your sobs

To the point where you were gasping for air

He shushed you and let his fingers pull away from your hair to find your chin

Making your face look up at him

“Look at me-just breath, okay?”

You tried to do as he said

Taking large and shuttering breathes through your lips

He breathes with you to help you

After a while you calm to hushed hiccups and red eyes

“You don’t need to pretend around me.”

“I just don’t want to burden you..”

“Burden me? You couldn’t. This is what I’m here for, to offer you support when you need it. Okay?”

“but..”

He playful glared at you

“No buts. Even if you don’t want to talk, if you just need to let it out. I’m here for you. Always.”

You sniffled, smiling a real smile

“Thank you Shouta.”

He gave you a kiss to the head before standing

“Why don’t we have a date after school, hm. Before we go into work.”

“A date?”

“Yea, I need a good nap with you.”

Lets just say, that was the best nap you ever had

No worries, no stress, no sadness

Just cuddled up to the man of your dreams

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princessjungeun · 5 years ago

Text

Half and Half: Lia x Reader

where the reader is a troublemaker at school and Lia is the class nerd and she tries to help the reader graduate by tutoring her and then they catch feelings... I rly need some fluff in my life rn 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

CW: violence

When Lia agreed to tutor a student who needed help to pass the class she didn’t know it’d be you. You were known as the bitch not to be messed with. You admit you had a short fuse when it came to your anger but you fixed it earlier this year. However that doesn’t dismiss the fact that you’ve gotten into countless fights over the past 4 years you’ve been in high school.

There was the time that one kid insulted Ryujin, you broke his nose, jaw, busted his lip, and gave him a concussion. That time that one girl called Yuna ugly, you broke three of her ribs. The time someone made fun of your family, you’re not even sure what happened to them, you don’t know if they ever left the hospital. And of course the time someone tried to ask you on a date as a dare, he got a black eye and a busted lip. All that being said, you were definitely feared by everyone in school.

But despite your bad girl image, you were good in school, you were at the top of your class directly under Lia. However, nobody in the school knew that but you. The biggest issue for you was anatomy, it was the one subject you were bad at. It was all memorization which you were good at, but something about the muscles and tendons and all that, it was too much. This being said you started failing slowly, your grade slowly dropping as the year went on. But now it’s March and to graduate you need an 80, your grade is a 54%. Your teacher knew you’d be able to fix it with a little hard work and determination so she set you up to meet with Lia everyday for the rest of the year. That leads you up to now, the first day you have to meet with Lia.

You walked into the library and saw Lia sitting alone, smiling as she looked out one of the windows. Your gaze followed hers and all she was watching was the clouds. You swore you could see her lips moving as if she was talk, but upon a broaching her you realized she was singing softly. You brushed it off and decided to just bite the bullet and get this over with.

“Choi.” You stood behind her and loudly called her name. She jumped in her seat before turning around “o-oh hi Y/N...I’m tutoring you?” You nodded and sat down next to her, it was very clear that she was scared out of her mind. You found it kind of cute.

“Ok um. Let’s get started then...anatomy. Uh wh-what’s it you aren’t understanding? I mean not that you aren’t understanding. I bet you do understand. You probably understand a lot of things! You-” You cut off her nervous rambling. “Relax. I’m not going to hurt you.” Those few words were the only thing she needed to hear to relax and talk normally.

Throughout the next few weeks you met up with her everyday. You slowly started to catch feelings for Lia and she definitely did too. She’d grab your hand over the table when you two were studying, you’d pretend not to notice. You would just stare at her admiring her beauty while she was asking you a question. She’d laugh at your blushing face when you came back to your senses, mumbling a “you’re so cute” under her breath too.

You liked being around Lia. She was truly an amazing tutor, she knew how to motivate you to do better. You could see her excitement when you got a question right and how much she wanted to help you when you got one wrong. She spent her own free time color coding diagrams and making flash cards just for you.

“That’s not fair! When she tutored me she made me write and color everything. What do you have that I don’t?” Yuna whines as she watched you flip through pages of worksheets Lia made for you. You smiled to yourself knowing she was doing this because she liked you.

Your younger friend whines about how unfair it was. See, Yuna was tutored by Lia for a math class as well as biology. You laughed “stop whining. Go bother Ryu, i’m busy, I have my final tomorrow.” The younger girl sighed and left you alone in the study room, running off to find her other best friend.

The bell rang and you went to your locker, a small note fell out reading:

You’ll do great, make me proud

- Lia ☀️

You smiled and tucked the post it note into your pocket.

When you took your exam it was a lot easier then you thought it’d be. You finished second to last but that was because you went over your answers at least fourteen times before turning it in. “I’ll be handing these back on your way out, for the remaining hour please work on something else quietly.” Your teacher collected the papers and got to grading them.

That was probably the best thing about being in a small class. There only being 14 kids in class with you, your tests, quizzes, and exams were always graded quickly. To pass the time you pulled out your phone, knowing your teacher wouldn’t care, after all everyone feared you.

On the way out you got your paper, nervously you flipped it over and saw you earned a 97% on it. You smiled knowing that this was the last thing you needed to get an A on to pass the class for the semester.

You walked out of the room to go find Lia in the library. After circling around the library and all the study rooms you didn’t see her. That was unusual, she was always here. She practically lived in the library. On your way out you noticed her backpack hanging on the back of a chair and her laptop on a table, but that was it. You felt a pit form in your stomach...something wasn’t right here.

You snatched her belongings up and sprinted out the doors to go find her. You ran into Yuna and Ryujin in the hallways and asked “where’s Lia?” Ryujin shrugged and Yuna responded “I think she’s in the back hallway? I heard some boy earlier saying he was gonna ask her out.” You asked “who? what boy?” Yuna replied “i don’t know he was a little taller than me, pretty muscular, he looked like a player though.”

Your eyes widened as you realized she as with the schools known player. He was the kind of guy to ask a girl on a date and not take no for an answer. He’d cheated on a fair share of girls from other schools as well. Just an all around piece of garbage.

You reached the back hallways and there they were. You watched from a distance and did your best to listen in. Lia was trying her best to politely decline his offer but he wasn’t letting up. She’d managed to stay steps ahead of him as she walked towards the exit which would get her to a more populated area. Just as she was about to walk away for good he grabbed her shoulder forcefully to turn her around. You heard her whimper and you saw her eyes covered in fear.

Without hesitation you grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him. He pushed Lia away so he could focus on you, and Lia fell to the ground with a thud. You heard her soft sobs, an unfamiliar anger courses through your veins. You felt your mind go completely blank, your only thought was “i’m about to beat the life out of him” .

You threw a punch and your hand collided with his jaw making him take a few steps back. You shoved him in the chest and he fell to the ground before holding him up by the shoulder and throwing a few more punches, adding a slap or two just because. Your eyes filled of fire, you only felt yourself getting angrier, stronger with every punch.

You weren’t showing signs of stopping anytime soon, adrenaline flowing through your veins. As you were about to deliver another punch you felt someone grab your hand. You saw Ryujin standing over you “stop. You’ve done enough. Take her and go, I’ll take care of him.” You grabbed him by the collar and said what you thought was only loud enough for the two of you “I swear to God if you ever think about laying your nasty hands on or near my girl again, I won’t stop. There won’t be anyone to hold me back. And i’ll make sure of it.” You let him go, letting him fall back into the lockers behind him.

You stood up and walked over to where Lia was, still laying on the ground. Making sure you had her backpack as well as yours before you scooped her up in your arms. She whimpered softly “Y/N?” Tears were still on her cheeks, her eyes puffy. You shushed her “shhh just close your eyes it’s fine. I’m here you’re ok.” You carried her in your arms all the way home, internally thanking your older brother and dad for making you take boxing and weightlifting classes with them.

When you got home you kicked the door open and laid Lia on your sofa. You left her to rest for a minute and you went to check if you got any part of your face scatched up. Luckily only your lip was bleeding which wasn’t something to worry about.

You went back to see Lia, her eyes fluttered open and she seemed more aware than before. She asked “wha-where am i?” You responded “you were in and out. I brought you home...well my home.” You told her “you have a cut on your forehead, let me fix it.” She grabbed a hold of your hand, which made your heart beat faster.

“Here” You lifted her onto the counter so she was at level with you. You grabbed a cotton ball and doused it in hydrogen peroxide and said “it’s gonna sting.” The second you placed it on her forehead she squeezed her eyes shut, a few tears leaking out as her one hand squeezed yours. You patted it dry with a cloth before putting a hot pink bandaid over the cut.

You pressed it on and smoothed your thumb over it gently. Before this moment you never really took a good look at Lia’s face. Sure you knew she was beautiful but this... she was more than that. Lia’s eyes scanned your face as well until the two of you met eyes. Slowly you felt her legs wrap around your waist and her arm rested on your shoulder. Bringing your thumb up you wiped away one of her tears and said “pretty girls like you shouldn’t cry.”

She asked “earlier...you said i’m your girl?” You replied “not unless you want to be.” She smiled softly before leaning in slowly. You followed her lead before your lips touched softly. Your hand cupped her cheek and you held her fsce as if it was the most precious and valuable thing you’d ever had.

When you two pulled away she shyly smiled before saying “yeah, i do. I want that a lot actually.” You pulled her into your embrace, she kept her head in the crook of your neck. Her breath steadily hitting your skin.

She told you “thank you...i don’t know what i’d do without you.” You pulled her away and told her “thank you too...i got a 97 on my final, I don’t know what I’d do without you too.” Her eyes lit up and she kissed you “i’m so proud of you. Really it was all you.” You laughed, holding her close once again “it was half and half.” Holding her head close to you, you kissed the side of her head and stroked her hair softly feeling her relax against you. “Fine. Half and half.” She giggles against you, pressing soft kisses against your neck as you held her in your embrace.

#kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #kpop fluff #itzy imagines #itzy scenarios #itzy fluff #choi jisu #choi lia #itzy lia

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diazpoems · 4 years ago

Text

Me watching Riverdale S2:

THE WAY KEVIN IS RAISING HIS HAND TO THE MOTHERFUCKING SKY WHEN HIRAM ASKS FOR A VOLUNTEER FOR A WRESTLING DEMONSTRATION. THIS THIRSTY MOTHERFUCKER. HIS FACE IS PRICELESS.

I wish I could just jump into Riverdale and shake the characters and be like

Cheryl: Your parents fucking suck

Josie: Your parents fucking suck

Veronica: Your parents fucking suck

Betty: Your parents fucking suck

Archie: Your dads okay so far, I don’t know about your mom

Jughead: Your dad used to fucking suck but as a person, at his core, I don’t think he’s evil, and he’s getting better, but he’s got a ways to learn. I don’t know about your mom

Kevin: Your dad’s decent so far? Don’t know about your mom

Like especially Josie because I know it’s hard and that a lot of the trauma her mom felt probably manifested itself badly and Josie probably feels attached to her mom and like she owes her being a good daughter because her mom’s had it bad but like I also DON’T CARE. FUCKING TREAT YOUR CHILD RIGHT. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT HAPPENED. THATS YOUR CHILD. WOMAN UP AND BE A FUCKING DECENT PERSON. I DON’T CARE THAT YOU PUT A ROOF OVER HER HEAD, FOOD IN HER MOUTH, GAVE HER A SINGING CAREER (But continue to control it and not give her leeway to think and act on her own). SHE DON’T OWE YOU SHIT. FUCK OFF WITH YOUR WEIRD LIFE-FUCKING-SUCKED-FOR-ME-BUT-IM-ALSO-A-CLASSIST-BITCH PARADOX. MY DAD’S GOT IT MADE RIGHT NOW BUT HE HASN’T FORGOTTEN HIS ROOTS, HASN’T FORGOTTEN THE DISCRIMINATION HE FACED AND THE FACT THAT HE GREW UP SHIT POOR EARLY ON AND HE HASN’T DECIDED “Hey, let’s ridicule people for being in a similar position that I was in!”

Basically, this is me begging for for Josie’s mom to ✨fucking do better✨

Anyways yeah normalize Riverdale characters disowning their own parents ✌🏽🥰

Hmmm. If I wasn’t completely and utterly for the Serpents before, the white serpents learning to shut the fuck up and stand with Toni and her grandfather in opposition of the genocide and colonialism that was perpetrated by Cheryl’s great great grandfather? Hell fucking yeah

Dude I’m sorta crying at the scene with Hiram seeing Veronica in her confirmation dress because he’s a piece of shit but this is how it goes down, like it’s a whole thing

I love that I immediately knew the meaning of “Catholic chic”. Apparently that’s all going to church every Sunday for the formative years of my life accomplished

I hope Penelope Blossom dies in a fire :)

OH MY GOD, LOVE SIMON CAME OUT RIGHT AROUND HERE, KEVIN IS ASKING MOOSE TO IT, MY COMFORT MOVIE OH MY GOD-

Ugh, I don’t trust Midge. Something about the tropey-ness of her being The Girlfriend™️ and her face, as well as the fact that she played Gen in tatbilb, something doesn’t sit right. The haircut feels too manic pixie, like she’s hiding something. Bad vibes

NOOO CHERYL ILL GO ON A VACATION WITH YOU 😭 GOD IM SO GONE FOR HER

Aaaaand she did some fuck shit. Aaaand Toni is pretty. Aaaand there’s the internalized homophobia.

Jughead saying that growing up Betty’s and Archie’s windows being parallel always bothered him sounds more like a jarchie admission than a bughead one, I’m just sayin’

BETTY AND JUGHEAD’S REACTIONS WHEN THEY HEAR THE BED SQUEAKING IS ME. Like the little amused but lowkey confused and baffled expression on his face as he’s like “is that their solution to everything? Can’t they ever just talk?” Like no apparently not. Me too Jug, me too-

Idk Vee, maybe he’s asking questions about your father’s line of work and the business of his associates because your dad and mom are fucking evil

What the fuck Veronica. I mean yay because that just gets us closer to Jarchie kiss but like what the fuck Vee. Also Jughead is super cute, like why does the blue eyes black hair thing absolutely melt my weak heart, like I didn’t choose to fall for this pasty ass white boy but here we are. Also Veronica’s eyes are really big and dark and pretty like girl help im falling for these two-

BETTY LITERALLY POINTED IT OUT, C’MON NOW CW, I KNOW WE’VE MADE THE MISTAKE OF GROVELING WITH SPN BUT PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU WE NEED A JARCHIE KISS-

CAN HETEROSEXUALS PLEASE STOP FUCKING ALL THE TIME ON TV. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SHOVE YOUR STRAIGHTNESS IN MY FACE. NOT EVERYONE IS STRAIGHT YOU KNOW.

“Entertain Jughead” 😏

DUDE. They were sitting ALONE. TOGETHER. In the WOODS. With them being the ONLY ones who haven’t kissed. DUDE.

C’MON MAN, THEY’RE STARING FUCKING LONGINGLY AT EACH OTHER

If there are weird gay ships for straights then Jeronica is the weird straight ship for gays

Ok so is there a legitimate reason why Veronica is faithful to her parents and defends them to a tee and partakes in their mob shit or is she just daddy’s little fucking girl. Like it isn’t her fault that she’s been manipulated but it pisses me the fuck off. And people who want her to stay with her parents because supposedly they’re the only ones who love her even though it’s toxic and warped? Like do you have a brain?

Archie and Veronica really love supporting gentrification, classism, and Vee’s rich daddy and mommy’s innocence huh

Look i actually agree with Reggie for once, get Hiram’s ass, deal with it Veronica

Wow, nice, shaming Jug for eating. That’s cool, Arch. That’s awesome. And no Betty, she doesn’t have everybody’s vote. Because Veronica’s parents are motherfuckers and when it comes to choosing between a murderer/abuser/rich/classist/gentrifying fuck and supporting your bestie uwu guess which one im fucking picking. Also, THANK YOU JUG for explaining to your friend that even though he lives in a fantasy land where northside Riverdale is the only one worth referring to when talking about Riverdale at all and thus the only one that matters and is worth protecting, the southside exists and people live and have grown up in the southside and building a prison there where it will be even more easy to profile and incarcerate southside residents under false or exaggerated pretenses ISN’T A GOOD THING. That his own friend isn’t quite apart of his and Veronica’s and Betty’s socioeconomic caste and that he’s not going to pretend like he is, he isn’t going to be quiet about it just because you’re friends again. That he’s not going to lay down and let Archie explain what a good move for Riverdale is when he clearly means northside riverdale, let him explain how the southside needs to be dealt with to someone who grew up on the southside and knows it more (not the most, I’m not saying Jug isn’t out of his depth with certain aspects of being a full southsider) intricately than him. LIKE FUCK. ARCHIE. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING TO. Like he just doesn’t get why building prisons and stereotyping and condemning all southsiders and gentrifying entire neighborhoods is really fucking bad and a big deal and it annoys me so much. Like yeah Arch, obviously you don’t see the big deal because it doesn’t affect you and you delude yourself that it doesn’t affect your friend either, but it actually is that bad.

In conclusion, Archie and Veronica and sometimes Betty are giving me headaches rn. Like I’m not saying Jughead is perfect at all but in this particular instance he’s the only one I agree with for the most part right now.

Yeah Arch, you see things differently because you’re not the one who’s on the receiving end of the problem

YES MOMMA ANDREWS. SNAP! GO FERAL! SHOW THAT SOB SOME CONSEQUENCES!

Ah, so this is the jarchie “break-up” scene. You know what. I feel no heartbreak. Get his ass Jug.

Get. His. Ass.

They sent Cheryl to a conversion institution. I’m literally crying. This isn’t an exaggeration. I feel like I want to cry. Just. God fucking damn it.

SHE DOESN’T WANT TO GET BETTER. SHE’S NOT SICK. YOU ARE. DIE. FUCKING DIE. BURN IN HELL. AND PENELOPE BLOSSOM TOO.

“That’s not how things go in Riverdale” is a veiled way of saying “don’t challenge the upper class and don’t try to stifle gentrification,” I hope you all know

#she speaks #riverdale #cheryl blossom #josie mccoy #veronica lodge #betty cooper #archie andrews #jughead jones #sierra mccoy #you know how spn and merlin fans have that one tag?#u kno the one #john winchester’s a+ parenting #uther pendragon’s a+ parenting #petition to use the same thing when a riverdale parent does something shitty and manipulative to their kid #sierra mccoy’s a+ parenting

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jimlingss · 4 years ago

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coming off of anon because i’m just gonna regret it if i don’t tbh

anyways kina your writing is just, it’s so bubbly and warm and invigorating. i’m personally super big on aus like angels and devils, guardian angels, soulmates, and all of the sweet romantic things that you’ve written about. I’m just overwhelmed thinking about everything about you that i love and i hope everything has been treating you well these past few months. thank for you all of this. also thank you for putting magic of mysteries up so high because i remember someone reblogged it joking about your furry writer phase and i was ultimately hooked?? all of your stories are read at 2 am for me and god deli diaries made me cry, truth between us made me cry so hard, honestly so many of ur fics are just wow.

anyways i hope you’re having a wonderful day. my best wishes for your future and hope you have fun with muster!!! <33

nurseryy asked: also thank u for leaving ur fics up. i remember going through some writers whole masterlist and then they left (which i understand) and then i had nothing else to read but!! i want to read your whole masterlist, little by little, and as much as that means i would be able to gush about how cool this one line in your fic was, i can still enjoy your works!!

nurseryy asked: also i’m about to read the end rn before you leave tumblr so i’ll let you know how that goes....lol... (also!! can we ever get a discord drop 😩😩)

lol so guess what.... i finished the end.....

honestly, i think i related to this fic a lot. not saying that seokjin will ever see me when i’m thirty and tell me he’s my husband, but y/n in this story made me rlly happy. like content idk. i think when i first went into this i could understand how y/n felt, like i never really needed extravagant parties because it never felt special? like i don’t mind having a cake alone, as long as i’m okay with what i have.

i think i used to joke about how money can actually buy you happiness because materialistic things would contribute to less financial stress, blah blah blah. but in yoongi’s story y/n is like sad. she’s alone, and like despite having everything she needs to survive, it doesn’t feel good when yoongi can’t be with her. and it kind of struck a chord in me because yoongi kind of gives her these empty promises, and i’ve honestly done that too, and it was a reflection of how that treated others around me, so it was a slap in the face, but a good way!! helps me grow as a person lol

with hoseok her feeling of being lonely even when everyone was around her resonated too much with me- LMFAO but his story and the way y/n never felt like she could keep up is how i feel with my friends sometimes and it just feels nice to read about her situation whether or not it’s real

namjoond was where i began to tear up because the feeling of not being good enough is honestly prevalent and the way seokjin and y/n comment on the life that y/n was in with joon. like to an extent, youre happy, but it’s internal turmoil that makes you feel frustrated and like not enough

anyways with jimins story they seemed happy, like it felt like they were picking up the pieces as best as they could but at the end of the day, it didn’t work out, because ambition wasn’t enough. and dance is so competitive so honestly jimin still trying to pursue that dream is very commendable

taehyungs family felt sweet at first. everyone looked happy, they looked close and i honestly was thinking about how in some ways, it felt nice to be preoccupied. and ik that’s it’s not taehyungs fault and he just wants the best for the family, but the stroller was like a good way of showing that what you want doesn’t correlate with what someone else might want?? and at the end of the day, she just cried, because it was so overwhelming, and just so much, and i literaly could never-

ANYWAYS jungkooks was fast paced. straight to the point. sweet in a way, cheesy, but sad. like you can see how jungkook tries to cheer her up and it’s sad to see how they pretend it’s fine, when in reality it’s not. like when he gets into the accident and tells her how he was supposed to go home with the money and make her proud, it’s just not what she wants, but jungkooks life in that story had always been built on chasing goals.

oh seokjin bestie eye cried so hard and honestly that feeling of seokjin thinking that he wish he would listen and he wish he could have done better hurts??? and the way he tries to make up for it by choosing someone else for her makes me so freaking sad and i was bawling at this point??? and when he wanted to get medicine for her and didn’t know what was wrong like god damn- feels. AND THE WAY HE REMEMBERS THE LITTLE THINGS OH MY GOD LIKE TULIPS AND HER MOMS NAME AND SHIT LIKE PLS I LOVE THAT MAN

anyways uh i agree the end was a fucking masterpiece and lord i’m so sorry if you got here and had to read through paragraphs of me sobbing and ranting but the story was just so good and i’m gonna simply think about this forever thank you kina!! anyways i loved the fic lol it was a BANGER

my goodness, thank you for sending in so many extensive messages hahah I really appreciate it. first of all, thank you for the kind words. I'm happy to hear you love my stories so much :') second of all, I am very ecstatic to hear that you enjoyed the end. and that you could relate to it!! It's always nice to see what readers think about each part/member's part. You definitely hit the nail on the head for a lot of them!! one thing I'll say is that it was important for me to show that the OC didn't really want anything extravagant. at the end of the day a small celebration + cake would've sufficed because what really mattered was the company she had - company which was all she really wanted. anyway, glad that you thought it was a banger :D :D

#Jimlings

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powermaknae · 5 years ago

Text

I’m the Biggest Hit

NCT 127 x Idol! Reader

In which you, a member of NCT 127, get in a car accident that changes your career.

~Idol! au, best friend! Johnny, Boyfriend? Yuta, blood, car accident, graphic scenes, lot of medicine

Word Count- 4.3K~

A/N: I originally wanted to use Lily for this one, but I started writing and it made more sense to do a reader au. I’m really interested in medicine rn, so I used some stuff I learned from uni. I am also fully aware that some parts make absolutely no sense, from a medical stand point. I just tried to make it work :). Enjoy!

Cherry Bomb was one of your favorite dances to perform. It was so fun to learn and made you smile every time you practiced it. When the boys had their hair cut and dyed various colors and shades, you became overwhelmingly excited. You had yours done with purple and pink highlights. You loved this era.

You were devastated when you couldn’t perform it anymore.

Heading home one night after a schedule, you hopped in the second of two vans required to fit all nine of you. You sat in the passenger seat, Doyoung, Winwin, Taeyong and Yuta in an array behind you.

You sat with your right ankle on your left thigh, wedged and pushing against the door and middle consult. You propped your arm on the windowsill, leaning your head on it slightly as you turned to participate in conversation intermittently. After the energy behind you had calmed significantly, you checked your phone for notifications.

John: Hey

You: Hm

John: Wanna play overwatch later?

Before you had the chance to answer, you heard a loud SMASH. Almost instantaneously, pain surged through your whole body and you yelled out instinctively. The vehicle stopped spinning.

Again, you felt a crunch accompanied by another loud SMASH and everything went blank.

As your body lay limp in the front seat, several people surrounded the vehicles. The others in the first van quickly ran over after the traffic had haltered. Johnny was frantic, panicking once he realized who was missing; you. He clawed through the others trying to pry the concave metal away from the body of the vehicle. His strength mixed with the adrenaline coursing through his veins allowed him to free it with a single jerk.

The sight of your mangled body made him take a step back in shock. “We have to be careful not to move her, it may injure her worse,” one of the staff called to him. He started to break down in front of the open side of the car, completely consumed by panic. The other members caught a glimpse of the gruesome sight, covering their mouths and backing away. Taeyong rushed to Johnny’s side, holding his large frame and allowing him to collapse onto his shoulder, sobbing uncontrollably.

Your head hung down, your purple and pink highlights hovering around your face. The beautiful, soft white shirt you had worn had been punctured by a shard of your fractured rip, blood staining and soaking the once elegant fabric. Parts of your arm were bent awkwardly and bruising quickly, and what was left of your right leg looked bloody and shredded, pieces of flesh mixed with muscle, cartilage, and bone shown under the bright streetlights.

An ambulance arrived swiftly, rushing to safely extract you from the van. You were unconscious until you arrived in the emergency room, where they administered several doses of epinephrine. The other members had also been brought for monitoring. Johnny, you were told, collapsed from hyperventilation in the ambulance, but refused to leave your side when he came to.

You woke with a start on the gurney in the confined space of the trauma room. Your eyes shot open, but you had a hard time focusing your vision. Your entire head ached and shot pain signals all over your body. You were barely alive, but you tried your best to stay conscious.

Several voices echoed in your ears, doctors barking orders, asking you questions you couldn’t answer. Above everything, you heard a soft muffled voice, praying for you to come through. You looked around to find the voice and saw a tall figure in the doorway, hands clasped in front of his face. Johnny.

Behind him you saw several other clouded figures pulling him away to let the doctors focus on you. But you didn’t want him to leave. He backed away slowly and turned to go back to the members. You heard a doctor confront you again, but you couldn’t process what they were telling you.

Three doctors lined up holding your arm with a strong grip. The one closest to you gave a quick count down and you felt pressure in your shoulder, then a massive amount of excruciating pain. Your cry was muffled by the mask sending oxygen to your face but was still heard throughout the room. You teared up and felt a tear sting the corner of your eye. Either the pain was too much or you’d lost too much blood, but you blacked out again shortly after that, and didn’t regain consciousness until you were waking up from surgery.

Your eyes flurried slowly, trying hard to focus. Your entire body was numb from the waning anesthesia and all you could take in was white. You felt surrounded by the color white, its bright hue clouding the little you could see. You felt drowsy and uneasy, mind unsettled. What had happened?

As more of your surroundings came into view, you saw several people sitting around you. Some had white coats and others wore mostly black. You were hooked up to wires, a heart monitor, an IV with multiple fluids. You were breathing through a tube, and you choked on it slightly when you went to breathe yourself.

Someone beside you must have heard because a nurse was quickly summoned to take the tube out. Your eyes were more adjusted to the bright room now and you could see all the blankets covering your body, the bustling hall outside your room, and you could make out faces now. Several doctors came to check your vitals, but you were more focused on the black figures by your side. The boys had stayed with you: Taeyong, Jaehyun, Yuta, and Johnny, all standing now at the side of the bed, your manager in the corner of the room.

Johnny looked like he hadn’t eaten or slept in days. His eyes were puffy and red. Yuta had scratches and some stitches along the side of his face. He had been sitting behind you in the van and had taken some of the blow, but it was evident that you were impacted the most. Taeyong however, looked fine physically, but the expression on his face said he had been sick with worry and Jaehyun had just returned with his arms full of coffee for everyone when you had awoken.

You went to grab the closest hand to prove your wellbeing and became acutely aware of your state of injury. Your right arm was up in a sling, unable to move and your abdomen was wrapped tightly in multiple layers of bandages. Everything below your waist was numb.

Your attention was whisked away by the abrupt voices of the doctors at your feet. “Hello, Y/N. How are you feeling?” You were taken aback by the English you weren’t used to hearing. You tried to speak for the first time but only air came out. “That’s ok, you don’t have to talk just yet. We’re going to do a few tests to make sure everything is how it should be, ok?” You nodded slowly.

A nurse shined a bright light in your eyes. “Pupil are equal and reactive.” That’s a good sign. “Can you wiggle your fingers for me?” You successfully moved each one in small slow motion. You looked at your friends. Yuta kept a stern face, watching every movement carefully, but Johnny and Taeyong gave you reassuring smiles.

The doctors and nurses wrote down notes on your chart, took your vitals again, then turned to the other men in the room with a kind face. “Would you mind giving us a minute?” They turned to each other then to you with a questioning look. You nodded in approval and they shuffled out behind one another and stood just outside the closed door.

“I know this might be a little scary. Just stop me if it’s too much.” You gave a concerned look. “You’re conscious enough to know what all has happened.” You relaxed slightly.

“You suffered a mild concussion; you may feel a little dizzy for a few days. Your right humerus has a small hairline fracture right here.” They pointed to the base, next to your elbow. “Your shoulder was also dislocated but was fixed when you first arrived. Your arm will need to be in a cast for a couple of weeks but shouldn’t cause any trouble. You also suffered several rib fractures on your right side. One punctured through the abdominal wall, but there were no internal injuries.” That explains the multitude of bandages.

“The worst of your injuries may be a bit shocking, so prepare yourself.” They gently pulled your covers away, revealing the numb part of you body. In front of you laid your left leg, slightly bruised, and battered, but otherwise fine, and a stump ending right above where your knee should’ve been. Your eyes burned as your heart filled with panic. “Your knee and the cartilage around it had been pulverized. There wasn’t much we could do to save it. I’m so sorry.” At that, the room cleared. You felt a deep sadness as you stared at the empty space.

Your sinuses began to burn as tears plummeted from the corner of your eyes. You quietly sniff, trying your best not to show your heart. You found Yuta standing up by your head, sweetly stroking your hair as you cried. Johnny held your weak hand tightly, holding back his own tears, Taeyong quietly comforted him, his bubblegum pink hair covered his eyes. Jaehyun sat at the foot of your bed and rubbed your calf affectionately.

They stayed with you as much as they could in between schedules, drifting in and out with other members. Johnny and Yuta stayed most nights with you instead of going back to the dorm. They would come right after the schedules and sleep in a spare cot next to your bed, then leave early to go get ready. Taeyong, being the leader he is, drove with them and made sure you were all doing alright. Other members would bring you food when you were able to eat again and gifts like stuffed animals. Some of them even brought your things from home like your clothes and books and your toothbrush.

You felt like, after being in a hospital bed for so long, that you lived there more than anywhere. The boys always insisted on helping you with normal tasks. At first, you tried to deny it, pushing them away, but after a while, you just let them do it. If Taeil wanted to wheel you to the cafeteria, you’d let him.

As time went on, schedules become more frequent, Johnny arrived later and left earlier, and Yuta stayed less frequently, practicing during the night instead. You also became busier, focused on regaining your mobility on your own. You had been working with new technology that was pioneering new prosthetic limbs that would allow you to regain the ability to dance and would be discharged soon, going back to the dorm.

The sling holding your arm has been removed, leaving only the purple plaster of your choice, peppered in black ink where your friends had signed. Many of the other bandages have become lighter and less abundant as well. You’d been practicing walking with crutches and were able to get around without a wheelchair, but they planned to send you home with one anyway.

The day they bring you home is much less excited than you’d hoped. The boys were at schedules all day, doing interviews, with an award show that evening, so no one would be home. You had to sign all this liability paperwork before you could leave, which took quite a bit of time. You are not supposed to be left alone while at the dorm, for fear of your mental health and of possible injury, so a staff member will be accompanying you while the boys are away. Lame.

The familiar company van is loaded with equipment instead of men in shiny outfits. Your heart aches from the feeling. You sit in the back seat this time, far away from the impact point, fear creeping in your mind.

You make it to the dorm safely. Nothing to worry about. No one is present upon your arrival. You’re not even sure they know you were discharged today. The rooms are quiet and tidy as always. The silence is unnerving.

You get settled, putting all of your things that had been brought to you in the hospital, back in there original place, sitting on your bed, admiring the sight before you. You still had so much time before they got back.

Their faces light up with big smiles, when they first open the door to find you sitting at the high countertop. A line formed to give you hugs and encouraging statements, Johnny being the first and taking the longest, telling you how glad it was to have you back.

You wanted to make the members some food. You knew they’d be hungry after the show, maybe you could make some quick ramyeon for them to share on your first night home. Unfortunately, you still hadn’t gained full independence yet, so you asked the staff charged with your company, Minjae, to help you. He does most of it for you as you sit in your wheelchair, cutting vegetables and monitoring what you can. When it is ready you cover it with the lid and hoist yourself onto the bar stool and patiently wait for the energy to fill the room once more.

***

Living in the dorm after the accident was much different. Someone was always by your side, whether you wanted them or not. Taeyong had given them assignments of who would watch you without your knowledge and of course himself, Johnny and Yuta offered the most time. You became closer with other members too, going to dinner with Mark, playing games with Haechan, and watching movies with Doyoung.

You almost resented them for looking down on you. You were not lesser even though a part of you was missing, but you never told them that. Yuta was the only one that still treated you normally. He pushed you to be better. The others just did everything for you and you started to believe you were inept.

One night, you had been so depressed from lack of sunshine and human contact. You were home alone with Johnny while the others went out to celebrate a birthday. Johnny, being so much larger in stature that you, liked to carry you everywhere, but you hated it because it didn’t allow you to progress. He fell asleep early that night, exhausted from all the activities, but you couldn’t sleep. Your mind just kept spinning. Why me? Why did this have to happen to me? Why am I stuck in this house, unable to live a normal life?

You got out of bed using your crutches, being careful not to wake Johnny, as he made you sleep in Haechan’s bed when you had to stay with him. You snuck out quietly, going to the bathroom and looking as your own somber expression.

You feel your eyes start to tear up at the thoughts racing through your head. You go to take a step back, shifting your weight to you right side and CRASH. You hit your back on the cold tile floor.

The crash of the crutches were enough to wake Johnny from his deep sleep and he rushes to the bathroom, panic coating his handsome face. You don’t move for a second, but you feel no pain. Your emotions just slam through your whole body, letting all the pent-up sadness out in one foul swoop.

You prop yourself up on your hands, moving to sit with your back against the decorated wall. Johnny’s worry and panic quickly fades as he sees you sob against the wall and for once, he doesn’t offer to help you. He sits down next to you, holding his knees close to his body, allowing yours to take up more space. You lean your head on his shoulder and he lets you only saying in a soft voice, “Are you ok?” You let everything out, every emotion since the crash, all the anger, frustration, depression comes rolling out of you.

Since the accident, you almost never dream. The dreams you do have are nightmares that keep you awake, but they’ve subsided over time. You haven’t spent very many nights alone, sneaking into the other members bedrooms. You confided in Johnny most nights and even roomed with him for a while. He was your best friend, after all. But you found yourself around Yuta a lot more than you had in a while.

After that, he doesn’t carry you. He offers a hand that you brush away, but he doesn’t insist, only hands you the crutches and waits for you to leave first, trailing behind your smaller figure.

***

You have always considered him a close friend, being the same age. It wasn’t awkward between you and you shared your innermost feelings with each other. Recently, everyone had decided that having roommates on tour is no longer necessary, so you all got separate rooms. But you hate being alone. You hate being left to your thoughts.

You got a notification on your phone, hoping for Johnny to invite you to come jam with him, but it was V App alerting you of a new live stream. “It’s been a while,” it read. Who is on this late? You open it in a state of curiosity. A familiar face appears in your hand, his wavy brown hair hanging in front of his forehead. He looked tired and depressed from the long day you’d had. You’ve been worried about his mental health recently, but he won’t tell you if something was wrong.

After waiting for some time, hoping the live would end, you grabbed your phone and key card and quietly strolled a few doors down, knocking softly, careful not to wake any other residents. The door cracks and suddenly flies open at the recognition of your face. “Hey, I’m on V App. What’s up?” He puts his hands in his pockets as you offer him a soft smile.

You don’t say anything, you just hold your arms open for him to hug you. He obliges and hugs you tightly, bending down slightly to reach you. His hugs are always so warm and lovely, but never long enough. “Can I stay?” You look up at his kind face as you pull away. “Of course.”

Yuta doesn’t really care if you stay or not, he enjoys your company but is fine to be alone. He surely cares for you and could never say no to you, especially if you pouted. There isn’t much to do, so the two of you talk with fans and mess around on your phones. There is only one chair in the room and Yuta lets you have it. “Can you talk to them for a bit, I’m gonna wash my face.” You nod with a bright smile and return to the eager fans, introducing yourself.

Throughout the live stream, Yuta seems to have his hands all over you, giving you back hugs and having you sit on his lap when the fans ask questions about you. You end up falling asleep on his fluffy plush bed and he leaves you alone for the time being, courteously trying to keep his voice down for you.

You were walking down a long stretch covered by sakura trees. That’s all you could see. It was peaceful and serene, not another living soul to be found. You move in a circle, looking for absolutely anything else, but only see the beautifully blossomed trees. What is this place?

Suddenly you see a bright flashing coming toward you and BANG. You fall to the ground, pain surging down your spine and out to every limb. You prop yourself up, checking for injury and only see one: Your leg. You could see the blood pooling around it. The pain was so realistic, you hollered and jolted yourself awake, your eyes shoot wide open and you sit up, hold your hands behind you.

Yuta turns around quickly. He then quickly turns back to the camera saying in a calm voice, “Good night, everyone. Hope you’re doing well.” He turns the camera off and puts all of his attention on you. “Another one? Are you ok?” His voice is soothing, even though it’s laced with concern. “Yeah, I think so.”

You had forgotten to take off the prosthetic leg before falling asleep. You did on most occasions, but this time, it slipped your mind. It wasn’t uncomfortable to wear, so it didn’t bother you. But as you sit up in Yuta’s bed, you avoid eye contact, only staring at the leg, still feeling the hyper realistic pain from the dream in the phantom limb.

Yuta follows your gaze and realizes why you haven’t moved yet. You typically shake off the terrifying feeling after having a nightmare, but he also knows that the spirts of phantom pain have become more frequent during dance practice and at night. He knows that the only way to make it go away is to take the prosthetic off, so he motions to help you undo the latches holding it to your body and you don’t stop him.

Once removed, Yuta sits in the shadow of where it used to lay on the bed and gently props it up against the nightstand. You relax back into bed, the pain subsiding from your body. He holds your hand and pulls himself fully onto the bed now, sitting up behind you, placing an arm around you. You adjust your position, leaning on his chest and letting him comfort you.

This is how your relationship with Yuta is. You are closer than just friends, but not allowed to date. If you could date him, you would, but it’s against company policy and you would both lose your positions.

Taeyong had helped you learn how to dance again. He and Johnny would accompany you to the doctors office when you were first getting acquainted with the new technology. Johnny still goes with you to physical therapy and has even gone as far as to help you with home exercised. Taeyong was curious about the technology at first but studied it in order to help you learn better.

He shows a lot of affection towards you, takes you out for dinner and is always saying how pretty you look. When you were first recovering from the accident, he would take you outside to play soccer. Not proper but enough to get you used to the difficult tasks. He was always supportive and was willing to help you get back on your feet.

***

You had bought yourself a pair of Heelys and made the strong decision to learn how to use them proficiently and maybe even cover a dance with them.

You had an implant in the end of your thigh, just above the incision, that acted as a neuro pathway to the prosthetics. This allowed you to consciously use the joints in your mechanical knee and ankle, allowing for better mobility. The first leg was much more advanced in the technology and easier for you to use, but looked very obvious. The second was ordered by Lee Soo Man himself, to give you a better image. It had a realistic cover that made it look real, and it was waterproof so you could swim in it. It made you feel pretty again, you could wear clothes other than pants and go swimming, but it made dancing significantly more difficult. The neuro pathway didn’t reach the ankle joint very well. You have to dance in heals in order to have proper balance. You preferred the metal one, but understood the other was also necessary.

Cherry Bomb quickly went from your favorite performance to the hardest, particularly the killing part at the end. You were one of the people supposed to drop to the floor because you were so flexible, but the balance of it became an issue. You always fell too early and would hit the ground too hard. Yuta offered to switch your positions which made you upset at first, but gave you time to perfect it again.

It wasn’t a difficult change and it would put you closer to the center at the end, but surely the fans would notice and it would hurt your pride a little. But you weren’t confident in the split part either. You practiced more by yourself or with someone else like Taeyong or Yuta in the room, but you never practiced together. So whenever you would work on that part, you would get about halfway down, then fall either onto your hands or back on your butt. You just couldn’t figure out the balance. You never even considered what it would be like as a group.

You hadn’t practiced older songs with the other members in a while, unable to actually perform, but when all nine of you were together, it was different. Your ability to dance the first part of Cherry Bomb wasn’t a problem at all, but you became nervous when you approached the ending. The switch with Yuta was smooth, unwavering, flawless. And when you formed the line down the center of the room, Taeyong turned his head to check on you, you nodded to him inconspicuously. He reached behind his back and grabbed your right hand lightly, placing it across his left shoulder, offering you stability in the front. He then glanced farther back to Yuta who also nodded to him in understanding. He softly placed his own hand in the curve of back pushing slightly when you starting to lean backwards.

Between the two of them, you had perfect stability and balance to move all the way to the correct position. A wide smile beamed on your face as the song ended and you turned to them both. “How does that work?” Taeyong inquired. All you do is hug him, then Yuta after. Gratitude filled you as you felt whole again. You were back.

#nct x you #nct x reader #nct yuta #nct johnny #nct fanfic #nct taeyong #nct jaehyun #nct winwin #nct writing #nct 127 #nct doyoung #nct haechan #car accident #medicine #cherry bomb #nct taeil #prosthesis

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fairycosmos · 5 years ago

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im sry for messaging u like this sory but i just. Dont know who to talk to. i hate my father so much and the shit he does wears me down..he‘s told me i should „keep all my imbecile opinions“ to myself, whenever i show any emption he tells me to get over it n just rn he got angry at me for something i didnt do. Like he made up a story and told me off for it. i hate it here but i also hate the thought of moving out n leaving my mum alone with him. Fuck everything he‘s never apologized once

it’s ok ! don’t apologize, it’s completely fine. but god why is your dad out of his mind and why are you being expected to just put up with it like?? 😠😠😠 this is the textbook definition of emotional manipulation and gas lighting and im so so sorry you have to deal with it. i can not imagine how hard it must be to live under the same roof as someone so far removed from reality. and i dont mean to condescend when i say im proud of you for making it this far and for being able to open up about it to me. it’s not easy at all and yet you’re doing it anyway, and that counts for so much. honestly, his words/actions/anger are only a reflection of him and never, ever of you and i want you to try to live by that as much as you can. though you obviously have every right to be hurt/pissed off/sad - whatever instinctive reaction you’re feeling is yours to claim and it is completely justified. you do not need permission to cry, to get angry, to rant, to feel it all. though it’s painful, its presence is to be expected. the only thing that is your responsibility is doing what you can to deal with those emotions in a healthy way. sometimes that’ll look like sobbing in bed, sometimes it’ll look like talking to a friend/someone you trust, sometimes it’ll look like practicing positive self affirmations, sometimes it’s just getting through the day. and it may not work every time. the point is simply to try. and i really hope that at the same time as that, you can begin to understand on a fundamental level that you do not need to ‘get over’ anything. that your opinions are important and deserve to be heard. that when he makes shit up and gets mad about it, that is an example of nothing more than his ineptitude as a father. there is no guilt on your shoulders, you have done nothing wrong. while i understand internalizing self hatred due to abuse and trauma, and that it can often take a life time to work through, i think it’s important to be able to recognize periodically that you are worth so much more than you’re being made to feel like. even if it feels like you’re lying to yourself, say it anyway and keep saying it because it’s beyond true. you deserve so much better - he’s a cunt and that’s on him. you will always be a better person than him.

i can totally understand why you’re scared to leave your mum, and i wont try to sway your opinion too much either way because obviously the choice is yours. but please always keep in mind that you are ALWAYS going to be deserving of a happy, healthy and safe environment. there is never going to be any shame in seeking one out. your mum needs to make the decision to leave on her own and you do not have to stay in harms way waiting for her to do so if the opportunity to leave presents itself. this is your life, after all. but i know it’s a more nuanced matter than that, and i totally get why you feel stuck. so until then, i’m wondering if there’s any way you can seek outside support to help you cope? i know this feels like a daunting idea or something you cant actually bring yourself to do, but i promise it is always an option and it is not going to be as bad as your brain is leading you to believe. it can look like calling an abuse hotline, asking your doctor to refer you to a mental health professional who can work with you on coping mechanisms/cbt, attending a support group (there may be online ones as well cause you know quarantine), and also researching self help tactics you can utilize throughout your day. journaling, meditation, finding a safe space, opening up, comfort hobbies/distractions. they’re not solutions or cures, they just help you pause and breathe. that can change a lot. there are so many people who understand what it’s like to be in your shoes and you don’t have to face this all on your own, i promise. like i said, i know it’s a lot so please take it as a simple suggestion and something you could possibly think about working up to. it’s okay to talk about what’s going on, you know? it sounds like he’s put you through so much, and i believe with all my heart that you deserve to begin to heal. which can happen at the same time as hurting, by the way. every day you’re making progress that you don’t even realize is happening. and some day, much sooner than you think, you’re going to live a full, bright and autonomous life of your own completely divorced of your shitty dad and his toxicity. you’ll get to choose whether or not you ever even see him again. he’ll be nothing in the grand scheme of all the ppl who are going to show you what it’s like to be loved. anyway, i didn’t want to make this too long but my heart is with you angel. i really hope you can move beyond this one step at a time. not every day has to be a good one but there is always a way forward. and each moment you get through, you get closer to the this man having no bearing on your existence whatsoever. im sending you so much love, please take care of yourself alright. if you need to vent or just to talk to someone, i’ll be here. you’re not alone, and i’m rooting for you 💖

https://www.1800respect.org.au/

https://www.verywellmind.com/identify-and-cope-with-emotional-abuse-4156673

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/suggestions-for-adult-survivors/

#tw abuse #tw emotional manipulation #anon

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