#SHOUT OUT TO EVERYBODY WHO WROTE THOSE FICS

[thebat-musicman]

GUYS WE’RE AT OVER 100,000 BRUCE WAYNE FICS!!!!!

[set-wingedwarrior]

Fault

Mandatory Episode 8 aftermath fic, because how could I pass the chance to make my favorite girl suffer?

Jokes aside, I actually wrote this right after watching the episode, I guess I needed to process it as well. It's not very long, but I like how it turned out. I might even write a tiny sequel from Blake's pov, who knows. Enjoy!

(Shout out once again to @phoenix-fell for proofreading, you're amazing!)

AO3

-----------------------------------

Yang’s heart stopped.

Silence filled the room as she felt her legs give in and collapse to the floor.

Oh, who’s she kidding, the whole place could have been chaos, with Neo- the Cat- whatever that was now directly talking to her, or even attacking her, and she wouldn’t feel a thing.

Ruby was gone. First Raven, then their mom, and now her sister. She just looked her in the eyes and threw her life away.

She couldn’t breathe. She tried to but her throat was clenching, the air just wasn’t filling her lungs. Her head felt light and heavy, her vision blurred as she gripped at her own heart. It wasn’t beating. It was beating too fast. She felt nauseous. She wanted to throw up. She couldn’t even let air pass through her mouth. 

…ang!

Something shook her. Or maybe it was her own body trembling, she could see her hands spasming to grip the ground. When did she lean on the ground?

Something touched her face, moved her to sit up, but she couldn’t see. All she saw was Ruby’s apathetic and yet pained face, as she drank that cursed tea and told her goodbye forever.

Why didn’t she stop her? Why didn’t she jump and throw that damn cup away? How could she just let her do something like that? She just stayed there, still, and watched. She failed her.

Yang!

It was her fault. It was all her fault. Everybody left her, whatever made her think Ruby would have been any different? She did all she could to make her happy, to always support and be by her side. Was that her mistake? Was she cursed to have everybody close to her just disappear? Should she have just stayed home instead of reaching her in Haven all those months ago?

Or what if what she did just wasn’t enough? She should have been a better sister. She shouldn’t have let the loss of her arm make her so apathetic with her, make her lose sight and strength to keep being there for her, Ruby was more important! More important than her loss, more important than her happiness-

More important than her feelings for Blake.

Was that it? Did they distract her too much? Was letting herself and the Ever After indulge in them a mistake? Would it have been better had she repressed them and spent more time with Ruby? Would it have been better if she never confessed on that bridge?

Was it all her fault?

“Yang!”

She gasped for air and Blake herself suddenly appeared in her line of vision. She had one hand on her shoulder and the other cradling her cheek, drying tears. Yang hadn’t even noticed she was crying, but now she could feel her eyes burning.

She tried to divert her eyes, but Blake guided them back to hers, familiar amber comforting her just a little bit, “Look at me and take deep breaths, like this.” Blake inhaled deeply, holding it for a second, before slowly letting the air out. Yang did her best to copy her, even if sometimes she could feel herself choking. “Yeah, like this, you’re doing great, baby.” Yang would have blushed at the pet name, were it not for the blood not flowing correctly through her body. She still found comfort in the sweet words and caresses as Blake gently brought her back to her. When her focus returned, she could see Blake saw it too. She gave her a small smile, “Welcome back.”

Yang might have been back, her breathing more regular, heartbeat more stable, but the pain didn’t subside. It was all still there.

“Ruby- she’s-” unable to contain herself - because how could you lose your sister and not lose a little bit of yourself? - Yang sobbed. 

Blake pulled her into a strong embrace, letting Yang hide her face and tears in her neck, holding her trembling body against her own. She was shaken too, little jolts of her body proving that, but she was still trying her best to support Yang, be the strong one for once. Yang let her do it, let herself fall apart, even if she didn’t deserve it. Wasn’t that why Ruby wasn’t there anymore?

“It's all my fault! I should have been a better sister, I shouldn’t hav- I’m so sorry!” Yang cried, loud, incoherent words, uncaring of where she was, of who was watching her.

“We’re going to find her, it’s going to be okay.” Blake said, gently stroking Yang’s hair

“You don’t know that!” Yang snapped, pulling away from the hug. Blake wasn’t phased though, she knew it was Yang’s pain projecting.

“Yang,” she spoke her name gently “we know there’s no death in the Ever After. And Ascension might not even work on us. Ruby’s still out there, and we’re going to find her. We will go to the tree, and get our lead- our friend back. I promise.”

Yang didn’t know if Blake wanted to convince her or herself, but it didn’t matter. Yang wanted to believe in her, in her words; what other choice did she have?

So she nodded, took one last deep breath, and picked herself up. She had a sister to save.

[isnt-it-pretty]

any advice for someone who never wrote a fanfic before?

Writing is a skill like any other. You wouldn't expect to pick up a flute and know how to play, would you? So no matter what, just keep writing.

Beyond that, here's a few pieces of general writing advice:

- Make sure your dialogue formatting is correct. A new paragraph every time a new person speaks, proper quotation marks, etc.

- Remember your tense. If you're writing in past tense, make sure everything is in past tense. The same applies if you're writing in present tense. It's an easy mistake to make, but people will notice.

- Don't use physical descriptors in place of nouns. Like this:

"Dialogue dialogue," the raven haired man said.

It's one of the quickest ways to turn people off your work. Use pronouns or the character's name unless the reader doesn't know the character's name. Sometimes you can get away with character relationships, ("blah blah," his father said), but use them sparingly.

- In a similar vein, just use 'said.' Words like whispered, shouted, etc., should be used for emphasis, not for regular dialogue.

- Don't learn to write from reading fics. You can tell when somebody does because they use all the tropes common to fanfiction, but honestly, those aren't very good (we've had passionate debates in my discord server about whether "golden orbs" or "the bluette said" is a greater sin. There is still no agreement.)

- Run your work through Grammarly. Copy and paste it into Grammarly's word processor since that works better than their google docs extension. Even the free Grammarly will help you a lot with little grammar things you don't notice. I know it picks up typos and such for me all the time.

- Personally, I suggest checking out some nonfiction writing books too. I'm fond of Stein on Writing by Sol Stein, and The Story Graph by Shawn Coney, but most people never do that, and they write fic just fine.

- Depending on the topic you plan on writing, research. I'm serious; the number of stories I've read that just toss in a deaf character because the author likes the headcanon is insane. If you want to deal with topics like disability or social issues, you need to research.

- If you post on ao3, learn the tagging system and use it properly. For example, "/" is romantic, and "&" is platonic. In general, don't use both for the same two characters.

- This is an excellent master list of writing advice by tumblr user she-who-fights-and-writes. Not all of it will apply to fic writing, but the basics are the same.

None writing but still important things:

- You'll never be happy if you compare your work to others. You can look at your pieces all day and wonder why they don't sound right or feel right or why it isn't like your favourite fic author, and it won't to make a difference.

- Coming off that, jealousy is a natural part of being involved in a skill-based community, but don't let it sour your friendships or make you bitter. I've seen it happen, and it makes everybody involved feel shitty. Meet people with kindness and move on, even if you think they don't deserve their popularity.

- Make friends! Fandom is a community. Authors should make friends with each other and with their readers. They should participate in the community by leaving comments on fics, reblogging art on social media, etc. This is supposed to be fun, so let it be.

- It is illegal to earn money off fan works. Don't mention anything to do with money on ao3. Don't link a kofi, paypal, say a work was a commission, etc. It breaks the terms of service.

- Just be kind and have fun.

[disasterhag]

An Ode to Fandom

I used to hand write all my fics before putting them online. I found those notebooks and started going through them and remembered. Remembered where I was when I wrote them.

I entered broken and wanting to live no longer. It was a distraction for me, but what I found was community

I clung to fanfic like a buoy in a storm. I began leaving comments, participating in discussions. I didn’t expect to be doing anything but shouting into the void. I felt worthless so I assumed my words were too. But I wasn’t ignored or unnoticed. People spoke to me, asked me how I was, cared. I found welcoming arms. I wasn’t treated like an imposter.

At one point I couldn’t find a fic to read. Everybody was posting fic regardless of talent so I thought, if I can’t find the fic I want to read, why not write it? There was no risk, no grades, I just put pen to paper and wrote. The more I wrote the more plot bunnies appeared as if they’d been waiting this whole time.

I posted it after some encouragement. ‘If you wanted to read it, maybe others do too.’ I didn’t think it was good enough but they told me I’m just being hard on myself.

I got so many encouraging comments, people not only enjoying it but pointing out what they enjoyed. Then people would give criticism. I took it for what it was and used it to tweak my writing. I did it not because I was trying to be a better writer; I did it because I wanted to make my readers happy.

Then eventually, I realized my writing was getting better. And since there was no pressure in this space, I kept writing.

I don’t know when it happened but at some point I realized I kind of wanted to live. I had stories to tell and people might want to read them. And in this supportive and nurturing environment, I was allowed to play with words to my heart’s desire.

I gained friends, met amazing people from all walks of life, learned how to socialize and interact outside my toxic life. It was here I learned tolerance and love and compassion. It was here where I grew up. I flourished, y’all.

Fandom was not without its drama but it was largely a positive space, one which I cherish. When I open ff.net or AO3 I feel like I’m returning home. I have grown since then, put on the path by fandom as I was, I grew into my own person. I have a career and a family and close friends. I still write only now it’s my original work. But deep down I am still that same fangirl who found a family when she needed it most. A fangirl who found a passion that carried her through life, useful in surprising ways.

I love you fandom. I’m still here, just lurking.

[andraxicated]

you are in love

Pairings: rindou x f! reader

Request: Hiiii, good night!!! I was wondering if I can request a fic of rindou having a cute romance with reader, could it be rin in the kantou manji phase??!! And it would be amazing if he calls reader doll 😭😭 Thx have a nice day or night <3 xoxo

Synopsis: In the aftermath of the battle in Roponggi, Rindou is captivated by one of the onlookers yet circumstances pull them apart. Years later, he meets her in the same building and experience what people go through when they're in love.

Tags: fluff | slight angst for the climax

a/n: I caught up with the manga for you anon <3 | also the haitani brothers name in the kanto manji is so funny. like what are you special ops gangsters? everybody dramatic asf | longest thing I've ever wrote, taylor swift's inspiration magic is incredible. | I don't read my fics in fear. I'll judge this tmrw.

wc: 3807 words

In a secret alleyway filled with bright lights; amidst countless hollers, a man beaten to a pulp twitches on the ground. His face was barely recognizable and he gave one last sign of life before he forever closes his eyes. 'Fuck' The Haitani brothers look at each other with exasperation until the dangerous siren of the police wangs through the air.

The cheering crowd immediately disperses, each to their escape. Rindou looks at every one of them in the face. Funny how all of those enthusiastic about their victory now have their backs turned to them. Leaving the brothers they revere standing alone covered in sweat and dirt. But the brothers were used to it, there's nothing constant in life except fighting and fighting to their deaths.

Scared, thrilled, high, chill— expressions of the people who ran to escape the incoming police. One person stumbled on uneven ground and Rindou chuckled, amused. No doubt they'll be seeing that loser soon by the speed of his walk. His sadistic smile spreads across his face, taking one last glance at this secret area in Roppongi. Until his gaze stops on a young girl with eyes blown wide, a handbag clutched tightly, a sequined dress clinging to her body.

'She looks totally out of place' Rindou thinks to himself before glancing at the man behind you pulling your frozen stature. You must've been shocked to see someone suffer such a brutal death.

The police shout with their batons and guns, asking the brothers to surrender. 'Run away now doll' He wishes for you to get away safely and never to come across his world ever again. As he watches your sparkly dress getting smaller, Rindou subtly flashes you a grin. One that strongly strums against your chest before you turn your back on the incident, running away in the dirty alleyway.

If there was anything constant in Rindou's life, it would be the countless gangs and schemes he participates in. One after the other. Lose? Move on to the stronger gang. Win? Be part of the higher power. It was all they could do to survive and live. It was all Rindou loved.

Except for the pulling moment between the runaway girl and him, literally years ago. Who knows if she's still alive? Anyways he can't stop thinking about it for some unknown reason, spacing out suddenly that his brother slaps the back of his neck. Rindou clutches his nape with angry brows while Ran smirks at him, effectively reading his brother's mind.

"What? Still hung up on that mystery girl?" Rindou scoffs and shoves Ran playfully. "No way" He quickly denies and his brother chooses not to delve in further. "Just pick our house so we have a place to live. Quit thinking about it she's not coming back." Ran shoves a brochure into his brother's arms, walking away with hands in pockets as Rindou stares down at the image of a luxurious building in his hands.

Why is it that every time you say something whether good or bad, the universe jinxes it and gives you the opposite. Or was he just really lucky.

Lucky enough to see the girl he sees in his dreams. White plastics of grocery in your hands, obviously heavy, and the fear of it ripping weighing on your heart as you pray not to embarrass yourself in front of such attractive men. Both smile at you as you press your floor number on the elevator and settle in the awkwardness of the space.

Unbeknownst to you, something childish is happening behind your back. Rindou brushes his fingers with his brother to catch his attention, Ran raising an eyebrow at the action. "What?" He mouths toward this weird brother of his, and Rindou slightly jerks his head towards your smaller frame in front of them. In confusion, Ran cocks his head to the side, racking his brain for whatever his brother wants to do to this poor woman.

After a minute of thinking, he finally got what his brother wanted to do. Ran clears his throat and opens his mouth to speak "Hi-" but he only manages to croak before the elevator cuts him off with a ding.

You go out of the elevator then the brothers look at each other. Rindou's done face is proof that he has enough of relying on his brother. No words coming out of their mouth, just eyes that battle and insult the other. But the clang and scream break him out of his telepathic war as Ran pushes him out of the elevator and waves goodbye.

Rindou then averts his gaze to your crouching figure and notices that the plastic has ripped with your groceries spilled on the floor. Your worried face about to cry was cute, he had to bite his lip and recompose himself.

"Need help?"

Your head turns to see the guy with glasses waiting for your permission, and so you nod your head timidly. 'He's cute' but there's no time to flirt when your poor vegetables are beaten up!

"Thank you for helping back there." You thank him with a sweet smile, your frame lingering at the entrance of your door, and Rindou can't help but be entranced by such sincerity radiating. "No problem, I'll go now." He could've said that and went on his way. But no.

"You-" "Do you want to have tea inside?"

The door widens enough for him to see the living room and the city view. Rindou looks down on you and nods, mimicking the sweet smile you portray flawlessly. He was supposed to say "You owe me", for such a small thing, yes but he has to get what he can get. and you beat him to it.

He ended up having lunch in your place that day, ignoring his brother's 'are you fucking her???' message. He turns the screen of his phone down on the table, standing up to help you bring food and side dishes to the table. That little detail he did didn't pass your gaze, you saw it at the corner of your eye, and it made your heart flutter. So much that you were hoping for more encounters with this guest of yours.

Rindou doesn't know if he should bring up that he saw you years ago, it may have been not a good memory for you. He saw terror in your eyes if he were to reveal that to you...would you still want him? Maybe it's a secret he'll take to the grave as he doesn't want to lose whatever this is.

"I-I was just so stressed today and needed a drive or something. You know, some nights you just don't want to sleep and stay awake. But unfortunately, I have work tomorrow which I can't..."

Rindou could listen to you blabber about your day and he wouldn't complain. He drives your car seeing you're too fatigued to maneuver the wheel and your face visibly lit up. One week has passed and both of you are taking baby steps in your relationship. Just a neighbor-neighbor friendship who sends coy smiles toward each other and goes for coffee at midnight.

Whatever you say isn't the type to go in of his ear and out to the other. It stays in his mind as he lovingly looks at you instead of the city lights below. "Do you want mine?" Rindou offers his cup when he sees yours about to be empty, you politely shook your head and he nods in return, sipping the relief of warm coffee.

No topic to talk about and it becomes unbearably quiet for the both of you. The words are at the tip of your tongue yet you hesitate in fear of them being uninteresting. Thankfully, RIndou is quick to feel and says something to break the silence. One that touches the topic he desires to relieve.

"Your necklace looks pretty" He says when the silver glimmer caught his eye. You touch the chain with a smile and remember where you bought it. A moment of hesitation went through you but you brush it off. "I bought it in Roppongi years ago, thought it was pretty. It miraculously hasn't faded."

'Roppongi? perhaps—' He won't allow himself to ruin such a good night. He already swore not to bring it up but he can't help but want to show you a connection before. Yet to maintain this steady relationship he has to keep his mouth shut.

"It's either real or you took good care of it" He replies to which you chuckle as silence ensues once more. Not knowing what to say, his gaze diverts to the sky above. "Look up" and you follow him to see the blinking airplane amidst the night sky. You wonder where it's going. It's nothing special to see airplanes but it's oddly fascinating to see it fly.

"Hey" "mhm?" A flush appears on Rindou's cheeks when you suddenly turn and brush against his shoulder. He's acting like a teenage girl with a crush! He attempts to open his mouth but nothing comes out and he just groans defeatedly. He has his head lowered down while you laugh at his embarrassment, removing your hands on the rails, you bend down to peek at him. You could feel it. He could feel it. 

'This is so cringe but...' 

"Stop being pretty...you're too much."

Mumbled words but you heard enough for your heart to pound. Rindou Haitani doesn't know how to express his feelings, but you already know what he means. It was enough and it felt enough.  

To say your relationship is progressing smoothly is an understatement, it's progressing like magic as if heaven blessed you with such a nice guy. Still, in the corner of your mind, there are doubts deep-rooted from troubling pasts. So many what if's brought by anxiety but for once, you let go.

"Try not to burn down my apartment please" You chuckle, taking over the pan because this man is helpless. Rindou scratches the back of his neck and stands back to watch your body dressed in his shirt. Just thinking of last night makes him want to jump you again but you're probably going to get angry. Worse, he's gonna suffer without a week of touch.

As you eat breakfast with Rindou (it was his first breakfast made with love), he decides to cut the conversation with his announcement of absence. He puts down his spoon and says he'll be gone for a few days because of matters with his boss. It's a half-lie but Rindou really can't say what's happening in the gang, nor does he want you to know. You don't know his job so you decided not to pry, afraid that he's going to be turned off by such questions.

"Bye, thanks for the breakfast." He smooches your forehead while cupping your cheeks to give you a proper farewell before he goes missing in action. You muster every happiness inside you and beam at him to show you're okay, and Rindou softens at the sight before stealing another kiss on your lips.

When you close the door and it clicks, you stare at the wood and drift off to your clouded mind. 'Was...was he running away because he got what he wanted?' You can't help but think that as you try to stop yourself from running after him. Yet you choose and will always choose to trust Rindou, it's the only thing you can do after all.

He never gave the exact date of when he will come back because he just made a promise. And you're now starting to think that that promise is absolute bullshit.

It's raining hard outside the supermarket and you thankfully have an umbrella, yet the two bags of groceries are unbelievably heavy for you. You can't just ask someone to bring you home, they could be a serial killer for all you know. Just when you pull out your phone to call the concierge, a figure rudely blocks the light in front of you.

"Who's this pretty little doll?"

And there he is, Rindou Haitani smirking at your stricken face as you cancel the call. He wordlessly grabs both bags at your hand while clasping your warm palm in his.

"I know you're angry at me but please include me in the umbrella." He pouts to beg for your forgiveness and you hold the umbrella high enough to cover you both. You start to walk to the building but you still haven't processed what happened. He suddenly appeared in front of you as if a manifestation happened.

"Where were you?" Rindou glances at your worried face before answering "Just some places. My boss is...fired but thankfully someone picked us lowly employees up." His attempt to cover the truth with normality is ridiculous. He wishes he could just tell you but there's a bugging feeling that you'll run away. And Rindou is scared.

"Oh, thank god you're not jobless" You whisper, and you both laugh at your remark. You could finally laugh carelessly because he's here. Rindou kept his word and you couldn't be more at peace. You want to thank him for coming home. And so you tug on his sleeve to make him look at you, then you do what he does.

You steal a kiss to see him flustered, pulling away with a smug face saying that 'I caught you'. But Rindou doesn't like to lose, not even to you and your little games. "Look there" His head motions to the side and your idiotic self falls into his trap.

Rindou grips your chin to make you face him once again and smashes his lips hungrily to yours. Lightly tasting what he missed these last few weeks, his lip curls between kisses as the familiar fruit chapstick enters his tongue.

"You taste good. As always." He teases as he pulls away with an obscene pop to see your feathers ruffled.

On nights when Rindou pretends everything's okay, he sometimes finds himself opening his mouth to bring 'it' up. But seeing your happiness as you bring him the baked casserole you've successfully made, he chooses to keep quiet. Disturbing these moments of love between the two of you is what he fears the most.

The look on your face as the guy pulls you away will always remain in his mind. It was a face of pure horror. He wonders what you will do if you found out. This was what was constantly bugging his mind. However, you can't hide secrets for long. Try all you can to bury it but fate will always weave it back to the surface.

"My gosh! Delinquents are so scary!" Your friend exclaims in fear as you listen attentively to the radio while eating. "Didn't you run into them years ago? I remember that you were shaking when you came back with your ex."

Bright lights flash into your mind along with the rusty smell of blood, compelling you to drop your chopsticks and give a forced smile. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Tokyo has been plagued with these unruly delinquents for a while but this, has been on an unpreceded scale! The police soon arrived at the scene and managed to catch 91 people while they are still tracking down the remaining members of these gangs. One reported dead—"

Your finger found itself pressing to turn off the radio, and your friend proceeded to look at you as if possessed. "I don't want to hear such news while eating." You reason out and she nods, changing the topic to a lighter one.

You couldn't remember what you talked about, you didn't even listen to her and so you felt bad. "I have to make it up to her~" You groan while opening the apartment door and throwing your back to the couch. A motion of taking off your coat—*bam*—and you're putting it back on in nervousness. Despite your nervous heart and clammy hands, you take out your phone to ready a call to the police. Just as you were slowly walking towards the exit, your boyfriend comes out of the kitchen, making you sigh in relief.

"Rindou stop scaring me~" You whine with a pouty face as you stomp nearer, getting ready to scold him. But you weren't ready for the surprise of seeing his bloody face.—no, this face. It's that face.

Your arms went numb, your chest tighter, and your feet were frozen to the ground. The exact same feeling you felt when you saw something you're not supposed to. Your eyes scan every inch of his face, checking to see if it's really your boyfriend or some imposter. But every glance, every movement of your eye has you sinking into fear and desperation.

He's just staring at you as you attempt to speak, but you can't. Not when he's standing in front of you like he murdered someone. "Need a breather?" Rindou casually says like he's bathing in blood and bruises every day. You might be confused as to why he's acting like this, but for Rindou? It's the end of the world for him. 'Everything will be gone starting tomorrow' He wants to die.

"What happened?" It hurts him so much to see your voice cracking smaller and smaller. You're scared of him and it hurts so much to know the one he loves is scared because of him. He could only give you a bitter smile while biting his lip. "Got into a fight. I used your first aid kit if you don't mind. Can't really go to a hospital y'know." No point lying about it now, he hopes you get what he says.

"You're...that guy aren't you?"

Finally, you know. The cat's out of the bag. The torturing secret is gone. "Roppongi guy? Yeah." Rindou scans your sullen face and proceeds to explain to get this over with. He just wants to clear things out before he goes for good. Your life would be so much better without a thorn by your side. "You're that doll in the gold dress aren't you? I remember that pretty face after all these years."

A long staggered breath comes out of you as you nod in confirmation. Lips curled to fight the urge to cry. Suddenly, Rindou takes a step of faith closer to you. He doesn't know why he's doing something that'll hurt him but he just wants to touch you one last time. He's waiting for you to flinch, waiting for you to swat his extended hand; yet his mind chants 'please don't flinch. please don't go away'.

"Were you in the fight on the radio? I heard it." You incoherently sob louder when you feel the warmth of his palm on your cheek. Rindou nods with a solemn expression, then you close your eyes to think of what to do. Mixed emotions course through you along with the uncertainty of your relationship. This was too much for the once lovely time you had with each other; he's deciding it would be best to cut to the chase.

Rindou would not go. Not unless you tell him to. Because after he met you, he hangs onto your every word and wishes for what you want. Even though it hurts, he has to suck it up like the punches thrown his way. The matters of the heart are truly more complicated.

"Do you want me to go?" "..." you don't and can't speak.

"I'll take that as a yes if it's so hard to say." His heavy palm moves to touch your head with a light pat. Rindou would not go. Not unless you tell him to, but he senses easily, especially to you. "Take care" He releases another bitter smile before walking past you. Rindou doesn't wish for meeting under different circumstances but he wishes for a different life. It would've been easy if—

"Stay"

One word is all it takes for Rindou to stop in his tracks. One word and a flicker of hope burn inside his heart.

"Go wash up and stay." You turn to grab the sleeve of his jacket, a light touch that'll go if he moves. "I don't want you to go. Please stay by my side as we go through this. I'm sure we'll figure it out, I-I'm just shocked but please stay."

That slight flicker burns into bright flames as he pulls you towards his chest. Tears stream down his face for the first time in years and it's because of happiness. Who should he thank for giving him this chance? Who should he thank for having such an understanding girlfriend? Rindou doesn't know so he just sends his utmost gratitude to the world and to you.

It's way past midnight and the sun will rise in a few hours. Rindou wakes up next to you after sleeping for two hours. The day before was physically and emotionally exhausting, but to realize that he woke up next to you is an everyday miracle. He'll make this work. It has to because he won't take no for an answer. Rindou will make fate bow down to him, no matter the course of life; you asked him to stay by your side and so he will.

"I love you" He whispers before trying to doze off with you.

If one were to come inside a Bonten executive's office, you'd thought there would be creepy and expensive objects littered on their desks and walls. For most of them, it's true, but Rindou Haitani is an executive and a husband.

Enter his office and the first thing to catch your eye is the large wedding photo of him and his wife. Both smiled so happy as if they'd won the life lottery, for sure anyone would smile or cringe when they see it. (depending on the person)

His desk is filled with pictures of you in frames, every photo of you looking so beautiful despite your protests. "You undermine yourself too much. Have I shown you not enough love?" That was what Rindou said when you almost threw your 'ugly' photos away.

And the man who owns this office is looking out the window, phone against his ear, and a tender smile on his face. A side privy to himself, to you, and to your future child.

"Okay okay, I'll get that. Craving anything else?" "I don't know" You reply and Rindou sighs, but he makes sure to get the phone away, or else you'll fuss about him sighing.

"Don't push yourself too much alright?" "Mhm. Just hurry up and finish early. Your child is calling for you inside my tummy........and I love you"

He chuckles before replying back, happiness deeply swelling inside his heart.

"I love you too. I'll come home soon."

[hilarychuff]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love ♥️

ok before i do mine i just want to shout out yours!!! everybody go check out @cellsshapedlikestars' fave five fics (especially the crime noir one) ❤️

ok now back to me looks like i’m going with a counting down format

5. in any world (in any way) - sansa aus

link to ao3 and link to tag

i put two on here but i couldn’t pick just one more!!! i love overboard i love anastasia i love parent trap i love miss congeniality i love house of wax i love princess diaries

there are a couple i did not mention specifically but genuinely truly truly i love all of them they are each a little labor of love putting together the graphics and sometimes trying to be very intentional with those but as i talked about earlier even when the graphics are done and how i like them these days i never share them if i don’t also have the blurb where i want and if i haven’t also figured out how everything slots into place

it is so fun to do a little au like this because it’s like a puzzle figuring out who is who and how you can make it work being true to the source material you’re using as your framework while also adapting as necessary for your character’s actual character arcs like!!!! they are much bigger in my head then they make it onto the page, also. i wish i could fully write all of them out but it would take me forever 

4. while you were sleeping jonsa au 

link to blurb and link to drabble and link to tag

related to what i was just saying..... i did write out a scene for this one actually!!!!! this movie makes my heart so warm and thinking about it in terms of jonsa made my heart so warm and i just love that scene and i loved writing it out and i had a few other blah blahs that i’ve shared in my tag too

3. sweet/vicious - sansa and arya au 

link to blurb 

this one may not have an audience anywhere other than with me bc i feel like i am the only person who didn’t work at mtv who watched this show while it was airing but i have shown sweet/vicious to approximately one million friends and it is just such a little gift of a tv show and i feel like the dynamics fit really well for sansa and arya. i love love love a sister moment and the way that jules and ophelia care about each other but also fight sometimes and are so different lends itself really well to these two girlies. also jon as tyler is really truly honestly very special to me too (although i do hate to make the stark sisters unrelated bc then i’m always like ok do i give them last names lmao who gets what parent how does all that stuff work)

2. i carry it in mine - jonsa soulmate au

link to ao3 and link to tag 

i think this one speaks for itself. it’s the most popular thing i’ve ever written, which isn’t really that important to me in a numbers sense, but it’s very special to get to talk about a story that i wrote with people who liked it and the larger number of eyes on it provided that opportunity. it’s also been a fun experiment in switching perspectives, because i usually just stick to one at a time. and there is just a lot in there that i love. it is very much still like an adaptive work but trying to come up with solutions to these plot issues that people have with those works or trying to guess where things are going when we don’t have the real answers yet (not necessarily in an attempt to get things all right but just to make sure they make sense!!!) has been a hard and interesting challenge too. 

1. howl 2 (but also all of howl) - jonsa scream au

link to ao3 and link to tag 

look clearly i love working in adaptations and mash ups and that’s why this is just my absolute fave i think. sansa/jonsa/sansa and her siblings plus the scream franchise!!! and howl 2 specifically because while i love howl 1 i like marathon churned it out in a 72 hour period basically just plagiarizing and novelizing the scream script without pouring in too much additional effort. i just thought it would be like a fun halloween drabble sort of deal. but then howl 2 i put a lot more time and thought and effort and love into and it felt more like writing an actual story. also there are more jonsa feelings in it!!!!! idk it just was the most labor of love too bc i was like..... truly nobody is going to read this i am only writing this for myself and i still finished it!!!!!! go me

[rayslittlekitten]

Safe Word Is Useless

"Toff Girl" (aka "Damsel" Universe) Masterlist

A/N: So I wrote this a few months ago. I was in an unexplainable funk and this manifested from it. I legit cried with the reader as I was writing this. This was meant for a series in the same universe as “Damsel In Euphoria”, “Ray’s Little Kitten” and “Yes, Daddy”. I wanted to write it from the beginning and of course leading up to here but TBH I don’t know if I’d ever get to it or have the energy to write it all out, especially since I’ve written so much for it in this universe already, but I did write more following this. Maybe I should organize the masterlist to group these fics together. To me, this was too precious for me to keep hidden, so here is some angst. Also, I miss Ray.

For those who haven’t read the other related stories, quick background info: reader is the daughter of a Lord and Lady whose estate Mickey is using for one of his underground farms and reader is in a secret relationship with Ray.

Rating: M

Word Count: 1,175

Pairing: Raymond Smith x F!reader

Plot: Ray decides to break up with you in everybody’s best interest.

Contains: angsty break up, cursing, mentions of D/s (DD/lg) relationship,

"Y/N, we can't do this anymore." Ray looks down at the wood floor, focusing on an imperfection to distract himself from the pit in his stomach.

"Do what?" you ask.

"We can't see each other anymore." He rubs the back of his neck, still not looking at you.

You look at him for a moment and chuckle.

"Okay, daddy.  For how long? Is this a punishment for something?" you huff and roll your eyes.

Ray's eye twitches. 

"No, Y/N. I'm serious."

A sinking feeling in your belly starts to form.

"Why aren't you looking at me?" You try to make eye contact with him but he avoids you. "Ray, stop, this isn't funny!" For the first time ever, you use your safe word. 

"I am not playing," Ray tells you, finally mustering up the courage to look at you. "There is no safewording out of this."

"Why?" is all you can say in the moment.

"It's best the less you know--”

"No! I deserve to know!" You shout, your breathing getting heavier.

"A journalist tried to blackmail Michael for a lot of money.  We were able to take care of the situation, but he blindsided me with some photos and videos he had of you and me," Ray spills.

"So?" You shrug.

"I had to tell Michael and he is not happy with me. I was able to get rid of the evidence, but in the best interest for everyone involved, we should end this."

You try to process the words you just heard while looking at Ray, searching for something in his eyes.  Something that tells you he's pulling a fast one on you, his new sick sadistic way to punish you or even better, that you're in a dream.  Your heart is getting heavy and it feels worse than 10,000 full force whips to your bottom until it bleeds.  Many times Ray has literally choked you, strangled you, suffocated you, but in this moment, you truly cannot breathe.

"Can you please say something?" Ray pleads quietly.

You suddenly lunge at Ray and shove him, only barely knocking him off balance with your smaller frame.

"Best interest for everyone involved? How the fuck is this in my best interest?" you ask, voice trembling.

"No unwanted attention would be brought to you and your family and Michael can continue business as usual," Ray answers emotionless like he's rehearsed this many times before.

"Do my parents know about this?" 

"No, they don't.  No reason to alarm them over something they don't need to worry about," Ray replies.

"There has to be another way," you tell him. You blink a few times and a tear escapes from your eye as the lump in your throat tightens.

"No, there isn't." Ray shakes his head.  "I've thought it through and this is the best way. We can't risk this happening again."

"How long have you known you were going to break up with me?" you ask, realizing he must have thought it through for a while.

"Y/N--"

"How long?" you repeat yourself in a louder tone.

Ray looks back down at the floor and sighs heavily. "A week." 

"And you waited this long to tell me? Didn't even bother talking to me about it like I have no fucking say in this relationship?" you shout at him.

"This is not a negotiation."

"No, this is just you calling the shots. You taking charge of the situation, like you always do," you say with thick sarcasm. 

"Y/N, it's not that simple--"

"You always say that, but it really is. Your job is more important to you than I am, which is whatever, but don't try to throw that white knight bullshit at me, 'protecting' me, because the moment you decided for us our fate, you knew the only person you were protecting was Mickey and to an extension, yourself."

"No, no, no... " Ray shakes his head and reaches out for you. "I'm so sorry, Y/N. That's not--"

You start pounding on his chest with your fists.  Ray just stands there letting you take your anger and frustration out on him.

"Fuck you, Ray! I don't want your fucking apology!"

"This isn't easy for me either." Ray grabs your hands, kisses them and holds them against his chest. "I hate that you're like this and I'm the reason why.  I still love you, kitt--"

You swiftly pull your hands away from him and slap him hard across the face, nearly knocking off his glasses.

"No, you don’t get to tell me you love me anymore. You don’t get the privilege to call me kitten." You yank the necklace off your neck, the day collar he had given you when he officially made you his sub, and throw it at him.  It hits his chest and falls to the ground. "I'm not fucking yours anymore.”

Just like that, the roles have switched, except no one is enjoying this at all. He reaches down to pick up the necklace. You might as well have just finished him off with a bullet to his heart. He knew this was going to hurt the both of you but he underestimated how much it was going to hurt him, the guilt completely consuming him. He thought ripping the band-aid off would the quickest and easiest way, but right now "quick" and "easy" are not the words he would use.

"Y/N..." Ray's voice trembles.

"I hate you!" You shove him and pound into his chest again.

Ray has never felt so helpless before. He is supposed to be your protector and promised not a hair on your head would be harmed, yet he should have protected you from himself and this whole relationship the entire time. He is reminded of why he doesn't do romantic relationships.  His job is always a risk factor and the last thing he ever wants is to hurt someone he loves.  He knew better.  He tries to wrap his arms around you and pull you close to console you, but you push his arms away and take a step back to create distance.

"Don't fucking touch me! I don't ever want to see you again!" You cry out.

He tries reaching out again, selfishly wanting one last embrace, but you step back again.

"Get out!" You scream, pointing towards your front door. 

He looks at the necklace in his hand and swallows the small lump forming in his throat.  He slips the necklace in his pocket. This might actually be best this way. Maybe if you hate him enough, you'll get over this quicker.  He takes a look at you one last time.

"Goodbye, princess." Ray's lips press together to form a sad smile.

You watch as he walks out your door for the last time.  As soon as he leaves, you collapse onto your couch and sob into your cushion. You are inconsolable at the moment but you know you will get over this, just like you have with your past relationships. It's always the journey that you hate.

[l0vegl0wsinthedark]

Sparkle

Here's a little ficlet I wrote based on a random scene that popped into my head and wouldn't leave. Unbeta’ed.

Tags: implied/attempted noncon, alcohol consumption, eighth year fic. Pairing: Draco/Harry

-------

Draco Malfoy came back to Hogwarts after the War.

He was quiet and was nearly always seen in the company of his books. He talked to people, but not unless they addressed him first. He was always in plain sight, and always seemed to be in the middle of the most banal, tedious tasks, and Harry had no reason to be suspicious.

But Harry watched him anyway.

How was he to help it? Malfoy didn't look anything like the Malfoy he was used to warching.

Yes, he was still deathly pale and tall and reed-thin - but he held himself differently now. He didn't swagger around like he owned the school, but still had an air of aristocratic grace about him that made people hurry out of his way.

He didn't wear his hair combed to slick perfection; he had it buzzed down to the scalp on one side, the rest of his sleek, platinum hair pulled over to the other side in an artfully tousled sweep that sometimes fell over his eyes and caught on his long lashes.

He didn't wear his shirt sleeves down to his wrists to hide the Mark. Instead he had them rolled up to his elbows to reveal the pretty little pink and orange blossoms he had tattooed over the ugly, faded skull and snake.

He always had nail paint on - black, green, ruby red, purple.

He wore eyeliner, stark black against the paper-white skin of his translucent eyelids and blond eyelashes.

During the weekends, he wore soft jumpers over crisp white shirts, often in pastel shades that made him appear delicate and almost ethereal.

Draco Malfoy came back to Hogwarts after the War and Harry was obsessed all over again.

*

It was Christmas in a week. The eighth year common room was in full tumult, the Wireless charmed to blare music loud enough to be heard clearly over the cacophony of dozens of chattering students. Decorated extravagantly by the elves, two tables groaning under food and drink (spiked with an indecent amount of alcohol), and housing every eighth year, over half of the seventh years and a few bold sixth years, the room threatened to burst at the seams.

Harry was pleasantly tipsy, which was very mild compared to the state of some of his classmates. At least he wasn't trying to climb up into the mantel to attempt to jump off of it and land on an overstuffed armchair that was twelve feet away.

He really had to pee, though, and both the toilets attached to the common room were occupied, and when he went up to the dorm bathrooms, he found those occupied too - as well as issuing sounds made by the students inside engaged in various kinds of 'activities'.

Bladder uncomfortably full, Harry jogged back down to the common room and, with a wave at Ron and Hermione, exited the party so he could use one of the school loos. His mind was buzzing very softly and he wasn't worried about homework or, you know, dying, for the first time in a while.

Sighing in relief after having taken a long piss, Harry strolled slowly back towards the common room. It was well past midnight and he knew the seventh and sixth years would be in trouble if caught at the party. He also knew that every teacher was likely aware and chose to let it go. It'd been that way this term after the War.

He was about to pause and take a moment to admire the snow covered grounds and Forest out the nearest window when he heard a sound from the classroom in front of him. There was a soft thud and a garbled human voice.

Frowning, he crossed the corridor and halted outside the classroom, hesitant to walk in on students who likely didn't want to be disturbed. But then he heard, clearly:

"Stop. No."

"Incarcerous."

"No, no, no, I don't want--"

But Harry had already drawn his wand and kicked open the door.

He vaguely recognised the seventh year, tall and slightly plump with a mop of sandy blond hair. He was struggling to contain the thrashing student he had bent over a desk and looked around with a jump, panting softly, when Harry burst in.

"What the f--?" the seventh year began.

"Get out," barked Harry, indicating to the door pointedly with his wand.

The seventh year stepped away and the student he'd been pinning fell to the floor with a thump, his wrists bound at the small of his back, his ankles tied together with the same gleaming, silvery rope. And then Harry started in shock, because-

"Please," panted Malfoy, writhing on the floor as he tried to free himself.

"Go," Harry said in a low, dangerous voice to the seventh year, and there must have been something in his voice or face because the student quite literally pelted out of the room. Harry heard him running all the way down the corridor.

Harry walked forward slowly. "Malfoy?"

Malfoy thrashed again, out of breath and emitting little sounds of desperation. "Pl-- Just let me go!"

Harry quickly bent down and undid the ropes with a wave of his wand. Then he helped Malfoy sit up and lean back against the desk, still panting.

His face was clammy and his eyes bloodshot, eyeliner smudged, his face abnormally pale, likely with fear.

He was also clearly very, very drunk.

Harry suddenly remembered seeing him at the party earlier, flitting back and forth to and from the table of refreshments. And then he'd disappeared altogether.

Apparently, not with his consent.

"You okay?" Harry asked, hesitantly placing a hand on Malfoy's shoulder.

"I don't want to!" Malfoy declared, jerking off his hand.

Harry immediately held both hands up and away. "Okay, absolutely, yes," he babbled. "I'm not gonna-- nobody's gonna..." He didn't know what to say so he left it unsaid.

Malfoy just sat there, still panting quietly, eyes unfocused and rolling around a bit.

"Do... Do you need to be sick? Do you...need to use the bathroom?" Harry asked after long stretch of silence. Malfoy shook his head, hair flopping into his face. There was some colour in his cheeks now, and when he reached up to messily tuck his hair behind his ear, Harry noticed he was wearing sparkly blue nail polish.

"Bed," Malfoy said suddenly, voice hoarse. Harry nodded and stood up. Malfoy looked up at him in bewilderment. "I don't want to," he repeated, slightly plaintively.

The way he looked in that moment, as though pleading for his life, helpless and incapacitated, Harry's chest tightened.

"Nobody is going to touch you," he promised in a low, steady voice. "I'm just going to see you up to your dorm room. Do you need help standing up or are you good?"

Malfoy looked up at him blankly and then looked away with a sigh, uncrossing his legs and making to stand up. "I need help," he mumbled after a beat.

Harry helped him up and then immediately stepped away. "Come on," he said softly, indicating to the door. "This way."

*

Despite having gone to bed only well after 3am after the party, Harry was up by 8. He found Ron awake with Hermione and the three of them went on a walk after breakfast. In the afternoon, Seamus invited them to a snowball fight with the others. After he'd changed out of his sopping clothes later, Harry found himself entrusted with the task of going down to the kitchens to bring up snacks for everybody.

One flight of stairs away from the Entrance Hall, Harry was stopped by a soft voice addressing him.

"Potter."

Harry turned. Sat on the nearest windowsill was Draco Malfoy.

Harry, for some reason, felt his face heat, and absurdly found himself worrying that Malfoy knew that Harry had spent all day thinking of him.

"Hey," Harry replied, nodding. "Alright?"

Malfoy nodded back, expression neutral. Suddenly, Harry wondered if Malfoy even remembered the events of the previous night.

"Where are you going?" Malfoy asked softly, and there was nothing threatening or malicious about the way he spoke.

"Down to the kitchen to nick food," Harry replied honestly, shoving his hands in his pockets. And then, after a moment of hesitation, "How are you...you know, how're you feeling?"

"I feel fine," said Malfoy, a small line appearing between his brows. "Any reason I wouldn't?"

Yeah, he doesn't remember, Harry decided. Then he wondered why he's talking to Harry at all.

"No," Harry said, mouth curving into a crooked smile. "Well, I guess I'd better-" He indicated to the stairs with his head.

Malfoy nodded and said nothing.

Harry was halfway down the stairs when, "Potter."

Harry turned. Malfoy stood at the top of the stairs.

"Yeah?"

"I-- I just--" Malfoy was very pink in the face. Harry thought him very pretty at that moment. "I'm really grateful for your help last night," Malfoy blurted.

Now Harry went pink. Oh, so you remember, he wants to shout hysterically.

"It was no problem, Malfoy," he said instead. "I'm glad I was there to help." Malfoy just looked blankly at him. "Hermione's always going on about consent," Harry blabbers suddenly. "And you know... You weren't... You didn't...consent."

Malfoy nodded, throat bobbing as he swallowed, his hands fidgeting with the hem of his baby blue jumper. "Well, thank you," he said after a few seconds of silently nodding.

"You're welcome."

They stared at one another. Harry was aware of the seconds stretching on and on but he couldn't look away from Malfoy's artfully styled hair and rosy cheeks and sparkly nails and carefully lined eyes.

Then with an awkward and atrociously stupid wave, Harry turned away.

"D'you want to go to Hogsmeade with me later?"

Harry turned, almost slipping off the step and tumbling down the stairs.

"What?" he spluttered at Malfoy who was now scarlet in the face.

"I... I asked if you--" Then Malfoy abruptly seemed to deflate. "Never mind, Potter. Sorry. And thanks again for last night."

Malfoy disappeared around the banister and Harry heard him climbing the stairs while he himself just stood there.

Then, as though jerked into motion by an electric shock, Harry flew back up the stairs.

"Malfoy!" he gasped as he rounded the banister. Malfoy turned, looking surprised. "I-- I'd love to," Harry said, sounding a bit winded.

"What?" Malfoy asked, tilting his head, glossy hair sliding over his eyes.

"Go to Hogsmeade with you," Harry explained. "I'll-- I'd love to go."

Malfoy went brick red but he smiled as he did so, a small, shy smile that made Harry's heart skip a beat.

"Okay," Malfoy nodded, "Six? I'll meet you in the common room," he added, pointing up the stairs with one finger.

Harry grinned. "Cool."

Malfoy grinned back. And then, just as Harry was about to go back down, "Hey, Potter?"

Harry looked back up. "Yeah?"

Malfoy, still scarlet in the face, seemed to be making a physical effort to gather courage. "You... You have my consent."

Speechless and almost faint, Harry just watched him hurry away. Consent for what, he wanted to bellow after him.

Then he decided he'd rather let Malfoy show him what later.

***

[bakugohoex]

I'm so happy for you! Congrats for 1k! 🥳🥳🥳 I saw there was one fluff prompt left, number 10 I believe. If it's still available could you do it with Porco?

“we were never just friends”

pairing: porco galliard x female reader

cw: fluff, language, a lot on intimate moments that make me sad that I’m alone

word count: 2700+

a/n: please im sorry that im still working on my 1k event when i have a 2k event going on at the same time, but i wrote this fic in a sprint thing on discord and surprisingly I think i did okay with it.

summary: in which Porco relives moments of his love for you until he finally gets what he had always wanted

1k event masterlist

↞ back to attack on titan masterlist

Porco didn’t understand the first time he met you would be as children; he saw those tender eyes and that soft sunflower dress, and he couldn’t help but fall in love. Maybe it was a childish dream or some misconception that this was the love that he had so often seen between his parents. But he knew from that very moment seeing you with your hair up in pigtails playing in the sand he had fallen in love.

His eyes stayed focused on you, his shorts showing the grazed knees he had had from sliding along the grass against his mothers will. But the sound of his screams as he ran towards the sandcastle you had made, and the crying as a consequence of the fallen castle made him realise this wasn’t a real way to introduce himself. He looked between those damp tears and the sand that speckled across your chest and knees and he knew this moment would be ingrained into both of your minds for the rest of your life.

He knelt in front of your timid body, eyes tearing up as you looked like you wanted to chuck sand at him. Your mother hadn’t noticed the tears as they were silent, but as Porco brought his hand out, moving his small fingers to touch your cheek he felt the cold tears stream down your face. It wasn’t his fault, or maybe it was, but at the time he felt bad. “I’m sorry.”

You looked up to meet the blonde, his dinosaur t shirt and beige coloured shorts made him look like any other child. You don’t know what got into you too stare at his childish figure. Maybe it was because you were a child yourself but seeing this random child apologise for kicking down your hard work and effort. It brought some relief, “it’s okay.”

He wiped away the tears as he spoke once more, “I’ll help you build another one.”

You nodded in an instant as he grabbed the plastic mould and started digging for sand. Maybe it was the start of a new friendship he didn’t know at the time but here he was lying on his bed reliving those childish memories that he had had with his only love.

It had been years since that incident, a decade even but you still remained close to him, still had him at arm’s length. He was the boy who had spent years pining over you whilst you always just seemed out of his grasp. He stared once more at your text message, once again speaking about your date with Reiner.

All he could do was send good luck for it, what else could he do? You were his best friend, key word being friend and nothing else, nothing more. He could only just wish to see you happy and if it meant with Reiner who was he to suppress your happiness.

He couldn’t help but admire his lock screen, the love and admiration he had for you, maybe it was because of the many years he had spent following you around like a lost puppy, but the way his eyes would almost widen each time you spoke. He looked down through his camera roll, he couldn’t help but relive all these memories he had had with you.

The first time you both went into high school together, the first day that you both had found other friends. Met new people and happened to form your own group, Porco knew everybody knew of his little crush on you. Who wouldn’t, the way you’d both walk to and from school or the way he’d always be on call with you to just talk about anything.

Maybe this was the sign, the push to admit his feelings but he never did. It had been a stupid party; his camera being filled with that night months ago. The night were you both went to Eren’s stupid party, the night where he had found you in the arms of another.

“I hate Eren.” You had muttered to the boy.

He scoffed as his arm rested loosely against your shoulder, “who doesn’t, he put me in a headlock in PE once.”

“And you didn’t fight back, aww I’m proud of you Poc.” He rolled his eyes at the nickname, he hated it, but he knew that from your lips any name of his would sound so pretty. “I heard Reiner’s going though.”

Ever since that stupid Maths class with Reiner you almost seemed infatuated with the boy. Porco hated it and knew he’d have to keep an eye on you for the rest of the night. As you both walked through the doors, already seeing drunk teenagers and couples making out. Porco became jealous, he might have hated the idea of ever having his first kiss with you in a rowdy party. But the way he wasn’t even able to keep you by his side, to show you off to Reiner and the others because you really meant more than the world to him.

Your eyes scoured around the room and in a matter of seconds you faced the brute of a blond, he hated how you left his side. Hated how Reiner beckoned you forward as if you were his, you weren’t you were Porco’s. Porco shook his head as he stared at the two of you before going off to find anybody except the two of you.

He didn’t know what went into his head to drink as much as he had that night. He stared at the photos on his phones, many drunk ones of him falling about but he might not have remembered the night that well. But a memory would forever remain ingrained in his head.

The shift of his weight from the alcohol and the way his eyes landed on you. His sweet childhood friend on Reiner’s lap, his Y/n, the girl with the sundress now draped across Reiner’s lap, hands around his neck as your lips had been attached to his own. The couples Porco had seen, had envied for not being the two of you had all divulged into you and Reiner.

His arms against your waist, your hands tugging at his blond hair, Porco eyes flashed red. He wanted to run up and take you away, grab your arm and leave but he didn’t. He looked at the two of you and left. Walked out of the house, telling Mikasa to let you stay the night and then left, he couldn’t face you, couldn’t walk home with you and see your smudged lipstick, see your dishevelled hair.

Porco’s eyes stayed firm at the multitude of texts that came through, you had sent him voice notes after voice notes about what you were wearing and the plan for the night. Now here he was listening to them and replying half an hour later, you were probably out there, probably with him, kissing him, holding him, loving him.

He chucked his phone to the ground as he stared at the many photos of the two of you and your other friends. Every moment with you always felt like a whole other world, maybe you felt the same way or maybe you didn’t. But he would always keep it hidden, he knew better than to let his emotions fuel his rage. Because in the end all he wanted was for you to be happy and if it meant giving up his own, who cared.

The sound of his doorbell going off made him sign it was probably his mothers friend. He stayed staring at the memories, he could have been out right now. Could be with Zeke or Pieck or anybody but no he was in his bed mopping per usual, his mothers voice boomed through the house as she shouted his name.

“Yeah, yeah I’m coming.” He groaned as he swung his legs off the bed, his eyes straight down the stairs. He didn’t know who it could be, possibly Bertholdt wanting to borrow his switch again or Colt asking for Marcel as well.

He rubbed at his eyes as he was finally met with you. In that pretty dress you only wore for special occasions, those bright eyes that brimmed with tears and that soft smile you tried to put on. His mother left as you moved towards the stairs, both unable to speak as you walked up to his room, the room you had spent countless nights sleeping at. The room where you both spoke of your dreams and aspirations, the room where he had fallen even more in love with you.

You sat on his bed refusing to meet his eye as he leant against his door, “what happened?” His phone remained chucked to the ground, the lock screen of the both of you flashed as the group chat seemed to be buzzing about something. He was about to walk over and check it but your croaky voice stopped him.

“Don’t…please.” He looked at your figure, the way you look vulnerable and almost nimble, he moved to your body, hands against your shoulder as you leant into his own. Tears finally falling freely onto his shirt, “I…I thought he liked me Porco.”

“What did Reiner do?”

The whisper and tension around the room was low but he kept you close by his arms, “we…we were supposed to hang out and when I met up with him he was all over Historia.”

Porco’s eyes flashed in rage, Reiner had no right to do that to you. To his girl and at that moment all he could think about was the hurting you must feel, he may have hated Reiner from the beginning but seeing you with tears from an undeserving man broke him the most. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

You both stayed in each other’s arms, his lingering touches and eyes that filled with so much love as he kept a hold of you. His perfect girl that would never be his, “don’t leave me Poc.” It had been a whisper but the way his hand caressed your hair, the illuminating moon cascading through the background as it lit up the room. Every memory and past version of yourself, you looked out seeing the picture of the two of you from years ago, “that was the day I fell in love with you.”

Porco stayed silent, he didn’t think you understood what you had said, pointing at the two of you at the treehouse his father had made for you at 13, but he remembered that day as if it was yesterday.

“I can't believe he actually made it for you both,” you got all giddy as you climbed the ladder, Marcel already up there, you helped Porco up as you looked inside the treehouse.

Porco shrugged as you both looked around the place, the disposable camera your mother had given you around your neck as you stayed firm in your want to take pictures of the world. He watched you take pictures of the different parts of the treehouse, one of Marcel sleeping as he finally showed you what he had brought.

“We can put our names in the tree, make the world know we were here.” Your eyes widened as Porco wrote his initials with a plus underneath and you wrote your own. The way he told you to keep your eyes closed as he engrained around your names a heart, you had always thought it was a friendship heard but wanted it to be a heart of love. A sign of new beginnings of a relationship that could possibly occur. “Now we’re together forever.”

You hugged the boy as the two of you spent the rest of the day in the treehouse, his mother coming and taking the exact picture of the two of you that was now plastered against Porco’s wall.

It was beautiful and you didn’t mean to confess your own truths, Porco stared back at you, his eyes widening as he grabbed your wrist. “Y/n…”

“Forget what I said.” You muttered as you looked back out of the window, more and more memories each one holding moments of how deep your love ran for one another. The first time you both went swimming and Porco helped you into the deep end or the many trips out to the beach where you and Porco would run into the sea.

Childhood friends meant nothing when all you both really wanted to be was lovers. And as his firm grip stayed on you, his eyes filled with wonder and desire looked back at you with lust and love. All he could see was love, a type of love that had only ever been shown for you because he knew there would never be anybody else.

“It’s you, you’re everything I’ve ever wanted, and I hope what I heard was true, I pray it was because Reiner doesn’t deserve you Y/n, I…I need you.” The last part was nothing more than a murmur but as you finally looked into his eyes, his pretty smile and pretty face. He knew you knew; he knew that there was something more than that, “we were never just friends.”

With those final words, reality hit the two of you both were never just friends. He gave you a look, his eyes filled with lust as he looked down at your lips, hands moving to hold onto your waist. His love, his girl in his arms for the first time, “I love…”

You trailed off as his lips met your own, the tears having stopped and your hands cupping his cheeks. His soft full of life cheeks filled with admiration and adoration at the girl that had finally become his, he loved you, he did and now he knew that you loved him.

The kiss was soft, you both stayed in one another’s arms as his soft lips kept at a boundary but as soon as a moan slipped from your mouth his tongue had divulged inside. The heat from the past decade all coming to this one kiss, one look at you and he finally saw his love, the truth behind his sadness.

He had hated seeing you kiss Reiner, he had and now he would put that hatred and replace it with the love he had for you. He put you down onto his bed, his hands around your waist as he kept his mouth on your own. Kissing you with such passion and drive that his parents could probably hear the squeak of the bed.

He looked down at you, having finally let you go, arms to your side as he looked at his love. “I love you.” He knew he was repeating his love, but he wanted you to know, wanted you to never forget that his love knew no bounds that he would forever be yours and hopefully you’d forever be his.

He was about to kiss you once more, but you spoke just as his lips gilded against one another, the hush of it all, the way his breath fanned against your lips. You licked your lips and Porco could almost taste your saliva as he waited to hear your words. Waited to see the woman he loved speak truths about their future with one another, your hands wrapped around his neck making sure to not bring him to another kiss.

Instead to see his eyes widen at the proximity of another, the way he kneeled between your legs, spreading your dress apart, the way his hands stayed firm against your head. An intimate moment for the two souls who had finally become one, “I want you, you…you deserve to know the truth.”

He hesitated but nodded waiting for a reply, he didn’t care if whatever your next words ruined any moment the two of you were about to have. He just wanted to hear you say your wants and needs for him one last time.

“Reiner…he was a distraction…I thought you liked Pieck so…so I let you pursue that.” You whispered, he hated thinking that you thought he liked Pieck, the way you went to Reiner as an alternative when the two of you could have just spoken about your feelings.

But at this moment he didn’t care, he had you in his bed, in his arms and the past meant nothing to him when he knew there was a future for you both. “I’ve loved you since I kicked your sandcastle Y/n and I’ll love you for the years to come”

i’d really appreciate if you guys could leave a like, reblog or comment, thanks x

if you guys want to be a part of a tag list, just fill out the form in my navigation or send an ask and i’ll add you xx

@samusimp @alaina-rose13 @crispychannie @underratedmage @cathy8taffy  @moonlightaangel @kat-sukis-hoe @effmigentlywithachainsaw @swankiifiied @maat-the-prescriptive @kuroos-world @levisfilm @katsuhera @answer-the-sirens @animexholic @wapbenders @the-shota-king-masayuki @bakugousmrs @crystal-lilac @dai-tsukki-desu @fandomsinthegalaxies @crimsonbows-and-arrows  @admin-in-residence @otterlockholmes @gabrann @zlatanakermann @c0urtn3y @bakuhoesworld @halloweeniebicth @jaegerswifey @ukigxmo  @decayedz @ackeroki @peachysimp @deargalaxy @strawberryspices @n0baraa @shisoaya @suna-reversed

[sparatus]

heyy

💋(or suitable turian alternative)🍦💖💞 (I think I know who but feel free to babble about them I'm all ears)

hell yeah thank u 💍

Fanfic Emoji Asks

💋 First kiss fics. Love em or hate em?

LOVE LOVE LOVE god i need to write more im so weak, especially for when it's two characters who've been friends a long time but haven't been able to bring themselves to admit their feelings until at some point everything comes to a head in an emotional moment and AUGH YES

🍦 What's the sweetest fic you've created so far?

i already answered this one here but let's be honest i've got a lot of soft sweet shit under my belt, lol. Where the Wind Rests definitely gets a shout-out, part of a series and has spoilers for the end of broken mirror but god tender reunions and marriage proposals my beloveds. i went looking through my desabrudas stuff to pick one out but honestly any of the stuff i wrote about them post-shanxi with kids is just pure cavity fodder, i need to write them more everything is oLD

💖 What made you start writing?

i used to be a semi-famous rper in the facebook rp community (back in. 2012. yes it was a thing fb used to be an easy haven for rp) for a. certain anime community i'm not going to mention you must be at least a level 3 friend to learn this fact. but that started it, and then i had a couple friends from that community who helped foster that and got me writing - i have an old twilight spitefic still up on ao3 (do not read it. cannot emphasize enough it's very old and i was mimicking smeyer's writing style and the characters have evolved since then) that was inspired by one of those friends!!

i got started writing mass effect specifically because my partner @lightspeedpowerpunk was writing a fic about our ocs, which eventually grew into Rise & Reign (we're rewriting it soon i prommy plans are in the works i miss my dumb stupid boys) and around chapter. idk, 10?? 12 or so?? i started contributing to writing it myself, and that just kinda kickstarted everything. everybody say thank you to the ogs axilus and thie'haasn for my [checks notes] jesus christ 84 mass effect works on ao3

💞 Who's your comfort character?

m. many,,,,, definitely cnclr sparatus, obviously, and also my oc for his wife, aediteia. the way i've written sparky has taken nearly the full 8 years i've been in this fandom to slowly build, and he's very near and dear to my heart. conversely, teia has also grown along with him, and their narratives both personal and together touch on a lot of things that are somewhat personal to me and my own growth as a person.

in the same vein, the arterius brothers also count - i can look back and see how the way i've written saren has changed over the years as i myself have grown. i write him less depressed now, he has a support system, in yes-reapers yes he's still having a Bad Time because sovereign is fucking him up and the reapers are tied to his brother's death but it's less. idk. gloom and doom emo sadboi 24/7, he's allowed to have moments of peace now. desolas in particular i've kinda realized is also reflecting a lot about myself, ESPECIALLY in no-reapers. his arc in my no-reapers au, and in fact a major theme of the entire series, is all about recovery from trauma and how our choices make us who we are; no-reapers desolas has been through a lot of shit, so much, 89 years of it, from his parents being killed to having to help his baby brother through his own trauma to his career to 314 and everything in-between, and he's been in a really bad place and learned really bad habits and attitudes, but after shanxi he makes the active choice to grow and move on, at first just because valis needs him but with therapy also comes to do it just for himself because he's tired of being sad and hurt and angry. and that's a very personal story for me, even tho i certainly didn't set out intending des of all assholes to be the one carrying most of my weight, lol.

nihlus and (valis) abrudas are also in the same boat, characters who've been through a lot of shit and got mad about it and have their own ways of dealing with it. something that's going to become apparent to shepard in itlog is that saren was nihlus's morality chain, not the other way around - saren played a large part in nihlus learning to heal from his father's death and move on as a person, and now that he's been hurt in this whole thing nihlus is starting to slide back into old habits. valis, on the other hand, is the lone sane man in the whole clan, trying to keep her head on straight and above water while her friends and loved ones are drowning, and i've had to be that friend myself and boy i really do appreciate that kind of character, especially for somebody like desolas who's been drowning so long he's forgotten what the surface looks like.

god i have so many emotions and thoughts about sparkyteia and the desabrudas/kryterius group (i like to call des + valis + saren the evolution trio, personally, as they're all in it, but nihlus makes a proper group name hard :lmfao:) they're all my comfort characters i come back to them every time when i get stuck in my head and start Thinking About Stuff i probably have others but this is already rEALLY LONG,

[yutahoes]

3Bs Project #2 : Band Member

3Bs are known as the three male professions that women should avoid to date in Japan: a biyoushi (hairstylist), a band member, and a bartender.  

pairing : band bassist! Yuta Nakamoto x  band leader’s sister! Y/N 

word count : 3.3k words

genre : fluff, angst

summary : Band members break your heart but bassists crush them.  

warning : alcohol, character death, cheating

taglist:  @ailoveyuta @aiforyuu @yutazen01 @2-3-t-i​ @cosmiclatte28  @readers-posts @ytzvivi @onefoureightfive    

I don’t have anything against band members and bassists. I also don’t condone cheating or any sort. This is inspired by Shut Up Flower Boyband.  The band leader, Y/N's brother, doesn't have a name in this fic. He's also not a NCT member. You'll find out why.

“Thank you and goodnight!” the lead singer of the band shouted that made the girls in the audience scream their lungs out. The other members just smiled at the overwhelming reaction that their fans had given them, liking the atmosphere that the underground club had given them. Once the boys went off the stage, female audiences were swarming around making Johnny, the playboy of the group, delighted. 

Taeyong, Jaehyun, and, Yuta weren’t interested in these things so they decided to grab a drink and just watch the other members interact with their fans. “At this rate, we might not go home with leader-nim again.” Taeyong joked that made Yuta laugh. 

Their silent pianist suddenly smiled. "Look, he fished someone already." Jaehyun noted while pointing at the band vocalist who was hugging a girl. Yuta did a double look at the girl, she's really pretty. This girl is their crazy leader's fangirl? 

"Hyung, who's the girl with leader hyung?" Mark, the maknae, asked. 

Taeyong drank on his glass, taking all the liquor. "Y/N." He stated. "His sister." Of course, Taeyong would know that considering that he and the leader of the group were childhood friends. 

The guy in question came to the table. "Guys, my sister." He introduced. Johnny was about to shake hands with the girl when the other spits on his hand. "No touching."

Y/N giggled then bowed at the guys. "Hi, I'm Y/N." She introduced with a smile. Yuta looked around the guys, do they hear his heartbeat? "Annyeong Taeyong oppa." She greeted with a wave. And suddenly Yuta wanted to be Taeyong. What's happening to him?

"Annyeong, I'm Mark!" The maknae greeted brightly that made Y/N laugh. 

"You play the guitar earlier. You're so amazing." She complimented that made the youngest beam widely. "All of you are amazing and handsome." Yuta didn't know why but when they had eye contact, the girl just smiled at her and he was cursing himself for looking like a fool. 

Something inside Yuta changed when he met her, he was looking forward to every performance just to see her but go home feeling defeated. He tried hinting to their leader that he wanted to see his sister but as crazy as he is, he wouldn't let the girl to their gigs. 

Until the start of classes arrived. Even if Yuta is active as a member of a band, he's still a college student and education should be his priority. He was famous at school, being a cold city guy every girl likes. He would always be seen seated by the window, wearing his earphones just like now. He didn't bother much when the seat next to him moved but removed his earphones when the teacher came in. "Oh new student, welcome!" The teacher greeted, looking at his seatmate. He took a glance and was surprised. 

"Neh. I'm Y/N, please take care of me." She said then bowed at her classmates. Yuta's heart has been doing flips, they're in the same class? Now, he has a reason to stay at school. The flips had been going crazy when he realized that they're so close to each other that he could feel the heat of her skin. 

"Nakamoto Yuta!" The teacher called that made him surprise. "Present but mentally absent, are we Mr. Nakamoto?" 

He bowed at the teacher then glanced at his seatmate once again. "You're the guitarist from my brother's band, right?" He nodded which made her smile. "What a coincidence."

What's happening to him? Now, his stomach is churning. Is he nervous? Without any word, he left the classroom to run outside. He didn't care if this has detention written all over it but he can't stay close to her. His heart will go haywire if he stays too close. "You're in love," Jaehyun claimed then hung up the phone. The other three: Taeyong, Mark, and Johnny all muttered the same thing. Is he really in love? 

"You should ask her out." their leader suggested. Of course, Yuta didn't tell the older that it was his sister they're talking about. "Get yourself a girlfriend, kiddo!" He suggested then hung up. Why does everybody end their calls suddenly? And does he really look that desperate?

The class ended when he came back in the classroom but Y/N was still sitting there, writing. He was busy admiring her that when she stood up that made them both surprised. "What happened to you? The teacher was asking where you have been." 

Yuta was blank. 'I'm out asking my friends what's happening with my heart whenever I see you.' Should he tell her that? "I'm not feeling well, I went to the clinic."

She nodded. "Are you alright now?" She asked that made him nod. "We have an assignment. Here." She said then gave him a piece of paper. "I'll get going. See you later Yuta-shii."

"Wait," Yuta called which made her turn back at him. "Do you want to have lunch together?" Y/N gave him a curious look. "So that we can do the assignment together." 

The girl just smiled then nodded. "I'll see you at the cafeteria."  

This is bad. If her brother knows that they’re eating lunch like this, he will kill him. But then, it’s just lunch. And it’s not his fault that they’re in the same class. Maybe it’s destiny playing things on him. The simple lunch turned into endless lunches together and since they share the same class, they spend more time together. Students on campus were all saying that they look good together, even calling them the ‘power couple’ but she would always shrug them off and say that Yuta and her are just friends. 

Yeah, just friends. For now. 

His bandmates had no idea that he's hanging out with her. They just knew that he likes someone, a classmate, because of all the love songs he had written for the band. And he planned to not tell them about her and him. If there even is a her and him. 

It was that day, at the coffee shop, with their books sprawled in front of them when a sunbae approached them asking for her number. He was in a school band, Yuta remembers. "Oh, I'm sorry sunbae. I'm not interested in band members." She answered without even looking up from her book. The sunbae left but Yuta kept on looking at her. That hurts. 

"What?" She asked when she looked at him. Yuta shook his head. This is really just plain friendship, he's sure of that. But why? Her brother is a band member, why isn't she interested? "Yuta, just ask your question. Are you having trouble?" She leaned closer to check his book, creating a small distance between their faces. 

But he likes her. So much. All he can ever think is her. And all those songs, they were for her. His confessions that he cannot tell her. Can he even tell her his feelings? "What's wrong with dating a band member?" Y/N glanced at him and he took every ounce of self-control not to kiss her there and then. 

"Rockstars break your heart." He felt a bullet on his chest. It's ironic now, a wannabe rockstar has his heartbroken. "That is what oppa always says and my parents are the best example of that."

He heard about the story of their parents from Taeyong. Their dad was a bassist of a band and he chose his dream, leaving his wife and children. Their mom killed herself because of loneliness, leaving the two kids alone in life. Now, he understands where she's coming from. It must really be painful for her. 

Yuta stared at her for a while. There's still something that he can do. "But your brother hasn't broken your heart yet." 

"I'm going to kill him if he..." 

"I'm not going to break your heart." He quickly regretted the words coming out of his mouth. Fuck, this is a confession. 

He held his breath when she stared at him, the curve of her lips curling up. "We'll see." 

Yuta was hopeful at her reaction. She didn't say no, not even rejecting the idea of the two of them together. They kept on hanging out, every single time, and when she came to one of their gigs, they had to pretend that nothing was going on between them. Which is entirely impossible because of the small smiles and the light hand brushing whenever they would stand next to each other. 

"That was a great song," Y/N commented after singing one of their newer songs. "It's my first time hearing about it." 

Jaehyun chuckled then pointed at Yuta. "He wrote that for his girlfriend."

"There's a girl in his school that hyung likes." Mark teased. "He's been really inspired lately." 

Johnny chuckled then drank his beer. "Isn't she a transferee? You never actually told us her name." 

Y/N chuckled then leaned closer to the referred guy. "I didn't know you have a girlfriend." Yuta gave her a knowing smile. "Is she pretty?"

"The prettiest." He whispered, "And I'll introduce her to you if she becomes my girlfriend." A smile was plastered on Y/N's face which was changed when she glanced at her brother. He was looking at the two of them. He knows. 

Their bond became stronger. They had been inseparable at school, just at school. They're together during lunchtime or break, they sit next to each other at class. It was that one day, she was seated on the rooftop and he lay his head on her lap when he asked her to be his girlfriend and she said yes. It was quick that Yuta cannot believe it. They're together now. She's his girlfriend now. 

"I promise to not break your heart, Y/N." 

"Yuta, don't promise anything. Just do it." And he nodded, leaning in to give her a quick kiss on the lips. It felt right, everything feels right. "What will we tell oppa?" Then it occurred to him, like being awakened from a wonderful dream. Her brother.

During one of their gigs, Yuta invited her to hear the song he made for her and she came to support the band. His eyes were on her the entire time and she would give him a smile whenever their eyes met. A gesture that the lead vocalist had noticed. When the band went to their table, Yuta sat beside Y/N and announced that they were indeed dating. 

Taeyong was the first one who congratulated them, then Mark and Jaehyun. Johnny glanced at their leader who downed a glass of beer then smiled at the couple. Y/N lightly glanced at Yuta and he gave her a reassuring smile, holding her hand tight and not even letting go. 

The days were fine, the whole campus seemed to rejoice at the thought of them together. Yuta was assured that everything is perfect. That was when he got a call after class, Y/N's brother. He was nervous, to say the least, but he knew he needed to talk with him. "Are you really dating my sister?" The crazy leader asked the moment he saw Yuta, which made the younger nod. "Do you love her?" Yuta nodded again. "Breakup with her."

"Hyung?" 

"I don't want my sister to marry a band member like me or our dad." He knows that, the reason why he did everything to stop the girl from watching their gigs. But why? He can prove that he's different. "Sooner or later, you might hurt her." He stated that made Yuta surprised. "So just break up with her."

"Hyung, I love her more than my life. What makes you think that I could hurt her?"

The older stared at something in front of him as if seeing a ghost in the air. "You said before that the band matters to you more than anything in this world." 

"I said that before I met her."

"How can that change because of my sister?"

"I love her." And he badly wanted him to see that. 

"I also love her. She's my sister. But I will do everything to make sure that the band succeeds." The leader thoughtfully exclaimed. "I can only accept you as my brother-in-law if you make the band successful." Yuta smiled and was about to answer when the older raced him to talk. "Because by that time, all the fame will be in your head..." he said, his fingers like a gun pointing on Yuta's temple. "And you will forget about my sister."

Can he just punch this guy? Just one punch? How are he and Y/N siblings? "Yuta." The older one called. "Just make the band famous before I die." What the heck is he talking about? 

The two were crossing the street when suddenly a black car overtook another car. Everything was fast, Yuta was in shock seeing the bloody leader lying on the streets. The crowd was gathering around them and the injured boy just smiled at his friend. "Do it, for me." Now, his mind is in chaos. Should he follow his heart or the crazy leader? 

Yuta hated that he couldn't show himself to her and his bandmates as they grieved over the death of their friend. This guilt is killing him. This was all his fault. He should have saved him, he should be the one dead now. Not him. Y/N needs him. It broke his heart more seeing the girl he loves crying over the only family she had left and he can't do anything. 

His plan was simple at first. He knew about the entertainment representative that has the hots for him, maybe flirt with her a little then let her know about the band. Once the band gets a little famous, find a new bassist and he'll leave them. Then maybe, just maybe, he can go back to her. Take care of her and build a new family with her. 

But the girl is more cunning than he thought. After a series of drinks, he was knocked out black. His clothes were gone and the girl was naked beside him that made him curse angrily at himself. He needed to leave immediately, this isn't it. This is a bad idea. 

He took a shower to remove the dirt he's feeling. What the fuck is wrong with him? Why is he doing these things? "Oh, Yuta. He's in the shower."  He heard someone say and he quickly went out of the shower room although he's dripping wet. "I'll tell him you called, Y/N." Fuck! "She said she's the sister of your bandmate." 

He quickly dialed her number, sitting on the bed, when he felt a hand on his chest. She picked up the phone but he was so distracted that he dropped it on the bed. "What the hell are you doing?" 

"Don't tell me you didn't like this, Yuta. You were all over me last night." She kissed a spot on his chest as he moved away from her, covering his naked body with the blanket. "I'll make some calls and your band will play mainstream as you wanted. Just be mine." 

He saw the phone blinked, a message from her. 'Please don't see me again.' He hated himself for breaking her heart like this. He doesn't deserve her. So this is indeed better. 

Yuta's cheek was hurting when he came to see the boys, Johnny landed a punch on his face and Mark isn't even talking to him. "What happened to you, Yuta?" Taeyong asked but he just shrugged, Jaehyun handed him a handkerchief to wipe the blood from his lip. The bassist handed them a piece of paper that surprised Taeyong, a record deal from an entertainment agency. "What is this?" 

"This was hyung's dying wish." Yuta said then gave them music sheets, "My final gift. Please make the band successful." 

Mark stared at him in surprise. "Hyung, what? Are you leaving the band?" 

He nodded then stood up, "I already told Lee Jeno to practice." Then he was out of the door. Out of the band. And out of all of this. 

That was seven years ago. He quit the band, quit the entertainment circle, and just started doing some small business when Mark saw him once. "Hyung, it's our fifth debut anniversary. Can you come? I'm sure the other hyung wants to see you?" And Yuta just nodded, maybe everyone already moved on. 

But he didn't. Especially seeing Y/N talking to Taeyong when he came into the club. Mark introduced Yuta to the new members, Taeil and Jeno. He awkwardly greeted the members of the band but it was Taeyong who greeted him warmly. "You remember Y/N, right?" The girl laughed then nodded at Taeyong, making Johnny scoff. Jaehyun even reminded that they used to date which surprised Jeno. 

Yuta should have left after the party but he's here, seated by the bar and drinking his second glass of scotch. "Hi, Yuta." He hissed, how can he forget that voice? "Are you driving back? Maybe you should slow down on drinking." She even sat next to him. She moved on. But then, it was him who slept with another girl. He cheated on her. He broke her heart. 

He turned to her and she was just staring at him. "You look better." He complimented and she giggled. Why is his heart beating crazy at that sound? 

"You too." She said awkwardly. "How are you?" Yuta was about to answer when she continued, "I was surprised when Taeyong oppa told me about you quitting the band. What do you do now?" 

"Small business, here and there." He answered curtly. “I realized I’m not set to be in a band.” 

"I'm sorry Yuta." She whispered that made him surprised, why is she apologizing? It should be him. "Me and oppa ruined your dream." 

He was surprised, ruined his dream? "It was I who broke your heart. I'm sorry." 

Y/N shook her head, smiling. "I know why you did it, Taeyong told me.” She sighed. “And thank you, for making my brother’s wish come true.” He shook his head and she laughed. “It really does happen thrice, being in pain.” She said more to herself and he wanted to apologize for that but she smiled widely at him. “Band members really do break your heart but bassists crush it. That makes them hot." 

Yuta had to laugh at that. “Do you have a thing with bassists?” She shook her head and was about to say something when her phone rang, excusing herself to answer it. 

He lightly glanced at her but a glistening band on her finger captured his attention. Is she married? "Yeah, I'm here." She said then smiled at Yuta before glancing around. "Oh, I can see you. I'm by the bar." She dropped the call then turned to the person coming their way. 

“Are you...?” 

She nodded. “Two years ago.” Then she smiled warmly. “He picked up the broken pieces.” He did hurt her. 

He watched as the girl he used to love went to another man's arm. She really did move on from him. "Yuta, this is my husband Ji Hansol." He greeted the guy and Y/N introduced him to Mark who called for Yuta. "Where are the others?" 

"The backroom, noona." The younger answered and she excused herself and her husband to come and greet the other members. "Hyung," Mark called while laughing then hitting his shoulder. "Noona's husband looks like you." 

"Maybe she hasn't moved on from you yet." 

Yuta shook his head. She did. She looked happier now. 

And he's not in the position to take her back, seeing how happy she is. 

A girl leaned in the bar counter, asking for a drink from the bartender. "Hi, you look lonely." The girl whispered that made Yuta smirk. "I'm the bassist of the band earlier. Do you want to hang out?" 

He started laughing to himself. Band members would break your heart but bassists crush it. Her words kept repeating on him. Yuta shook his head, politely declining the girl’s invitation. 

He can’t bear to get his heart crushed once again. 

[fedonciadale]

Hi! I was wondering...how many Jonsas are out there, do you think? Are we really so very on the fringe when we've got the second highest number of pairing fics (after Braime) on Ao3, like a good 3000 more than J0nerys? Maybe we just churn out the most fic! Of course I'm not taking into account the probably large amount of non-shipper fans — one of my friends is one such person and I made my case about the evidence for Jonsa and she thought it was likely, especially with how it would resolve the narrative reason for Jon's parentage reveal, if he's not actually destined to be kot7k. But she's waiting for the books (if they ever come out!) to fully come over to us Jonsas. But let's say Winds does come out, sooner rather than later, and Jonsa is brought forward from the subconsious foreshadowing into a conconsious reality, do you think we might see a new wave of Jonsas (akin to those who came on board during s6+)? I feel like there are some neutral readers open to it, though akin to ghosts (lol), they have to see it to believe it. Some people, of course, will HATE it though.

Hi there!

Well, this might be just my impression, but I actually think that the Jonsa fandom is not that small but maybe smaller than you would think if you look at the number of fics? If that makes sense. And it would be difficult to measure the number of shippers.

I’m involved/half-involved in some fandoms and fandoms tend to have differing flavours. I don’t know how to explain it better. Anyway of course every fandom has artist, writers, meta writers, gif makes, and supporters who might not produce much or only occasionally. And some ships are generally more hated within a fandom than others.

For example, I low-key ship Deckerstar, have read some fics, follow some blogs. I’m in no way really active and I only wrote one fic. Imho opinion the Lucifer fandom is pretty chill and Deckerstar is a highly popular ship that has some really amazing writers and art. People are pretty accepting of all ships. I might not be deep enough into it, but I haven’t blacklisted any tags from the Lucifer fandom.

The HP fandom is huge and quite divided and Dramione is a popular ship but also quite hated by others. But the books are written and there is nothing to fight about really. So apart from the occasional anti Dramione rant that happens occasionally and is not tagged properly, there is rarely any drama (well apart from the regular fandom drama). Most people understand that fanon and canon are not the same.  Most people understand why people like enemies to lovers even if they dislike Dramione. Even the anti-Dramione anons I occasionally get seem to originate in the Got fandom and seem to be by people who think they can call me out for shipping a disgusting ship. Sigh.

Dramione is a ship that is - at least in my experience - really very strong on the art side. There are many many absolutely and incredible artists. Of course there are good fics as well, but the art really catches the eye? Anyway I have blacklisted some HP ships, not because I clashed with anyone, just because I dislike the ships.

And then there is the GoT fandom...

Well, the show is over but the books are unfinished and an end of the discussion is nowhere in sight. And for some reason (and I have talked about this repeatedly on my blog) the Jonsa ship is the most hated of all. Random rare pair shippers claim they have seen something on a Jonsa blog, tag it Anti Jonsa and everyone and their mother will chime in, give them notes and reblogs and shout out loudly how the Jonsa fandom (and occasionally Sansa fans by association) are the worst part of the fandom. We ruin everybody’s experience etc. etc. The GoT/ASOIAF fandom has effectively driven the Jonsa fandom out of the Jon Snow and Daenerys tag. I know that some people still are brave enough to tag Arya, Jon and Daenerys but I for my part have given up on it, because I just don’t have time for the drama. And I still have stalkers.

So, there are reasons why people would rather be a closeted Jonsa shipper. The fandom is big enough that you don’t have to feel alone but people have dropped into my inbox, telling me that they agree but that they would never admit that publicly (Imagine that!). So, I can easily imagine that once TWOW drops and Sansa is indeed the Girl in Grey and we get Jonsa content that there will be an influx of shippers. As you said, some people might hate it, but that is only to be expected.

All in all, Jonsa is a fandom that is dominated by fic writers (again just my experience). Of course there are wonderful artists and gif makers, but the majority seems to be writers. I also have the impression that Jonsas are mostly active on tumblr and post to AO3. So, I actually do think that Jonsas are over-represented in fic, because AO3 is a space where you usually can post in peace and because the proportion of fic writers is probably higher than in other fandoms.

Please mind that this is just my impression.

Thanks for the ask!

[xo-cuteplosion-xo]

How about a musician reader x character fic? Maybe a singer who performs in a cafe, or a classical musician who plays in an orchestra, or who plays in a rock band? I dunno I have a lot of ideas in my mind but I'm just too lazy to write them :D What do you think?

So here's the baseline you gave me - a musician reader fic x character. Here's what I decided to fill in for this lovely fic- a fluffy bsd collage Au where the reader is majoring in music and has the side job of a stage performer. Then, because they would match well, so I decided to go with a Fyodor x reader. Hope this is alright!

Words- 1728 ~

Hearts Composition | fyodor x musician reader | (collage Au)

Music thudded against the walls, muffled only by the thick layers that hid backstage from the audience. The aroma of heavily worn perfume surrounded people in pleasant bliss. Waitresses and waiters swayed with heavy plates rested along arms and in hands. Carrying much-wanted foods and booze to awaiting customers. The collection of accents muted under the heavy beats of taps and clicks from the metal of the dancer's shoes. Picking up a smaller wooden, finely carved, and rather expensive model of a violin, stood yourself. With a smile, your hands trailed the curves and strings of the delicate instrument. With all the work you had to do for university you had truly didn’t have time to be doing some minimum wage job. Though you didn’t care much, if you could play something, it would be fine. You performed here every once in a blue moon. You weren't one of the performers, but they would grace you with the intermission on busy nights. Much like these nights, when the crowd was full and the people rowdy and in need of constant entertainment. You could soothe those shouts and demands of perverted drunk men; Soothe the cries of broken women and rich spoiled children.

Stepping onto the wooden stage as the lights dim, allowing you the bare minimum of the peeping moonlight to find the microphone located at the center. Inhaling as your anxiety turned into bliss, you waited. As the colored light flew on, you rested your chin on the soft velvet. Holding up the bow, you set it to the strings. With a final inhale, your eyes fluttered shut as you played a classical piece; one constructed for an upcoming project that was due for your music composition class. You had nearly all the string instruments you could play finished; all but the cello. With every strum of your instrument, the crowd fell silent, enjoying the break from all the heavy excitement. Even the children's chatter soothed down, so your instrument could echo off the thin walls of the pub.

Sipping nothing but a cup of tea with a small side of biscuits, a male leaned in his seat. Sitting with a pristine, perfect posture, he listened to the soft sound. The way his violet eyes slowly lidded, and his hair fell back against his face, lit his features in a urethral, almost divine light. His mind working to recognize the piece. As an up-and-coming musician, he had several classics memorized. He could join in by ear, or even write out the full pieces without needing to see the original sheet music. This piece wasn’t something he recognized, could it be an original piece?

If you were to open your eyes as you neared the end of the first piece, you would notice his gaze rested on you. Eyes open halfway with hidden interest, and yet, the stare was attractive. The blank look that hid everything beneath a mask laid strewn across his features. As you finished and stood up, surrounded by applause, he watched your every stride. It was funny, he thought he could almost recognize you.

~

With shaking hands, your fingers typed within a group chat of other college students you had met and become close to. “I’m so nervous. I have to hand in that piece today. I pulled an all-nighter trying to decide on the cello part, but nothing sounded right, so now I might not get a full mark.” You could hear the whine through the text. When replies of good luck came to you, except for two replies, you chuckled. One read “could always just die before handing it in.” Another wrote, “I've got the wine ready.” laughing to yourself as you walked into the classroom and set down the folder in the bin. Glancing through the room, you took a seat with your head down. It was unusual for you to arrive early to class, but your anxiety with this project was slowly picking at you to just get there and hand it in. With twenty minutes till class started, you decided to pull out your laptop and listen to the recording from last week.

Taking out your notebook, you started jotting notes about small things to improve, and things you hated about your performances. You didn’t notice somebody else enter the classroom rather early. Carrying his bag, he set it down at one of the desks before the sound of a violin entered his ears. Sitting down he listened to the melody you had played several nights before. As the piece finished, his eyes traveled to the bin. Now understanding where you had gotten the piece from, he sighed. “You’re not half bad, you played a little flat, but it sounds okay. Becoming a flustered disaster, you froze glancing over to him. This wasn’t the first time you had noticed him in class, he was hard to miss. His completely perfect grades, perfect posture, and looks made him stand out. Not only that, but he had strong ideals and his debate skills could sway anybody. Though, you knew it wasn’t really skill, more manipulation. To add to everything his Russian accent stuck out with every word he spoke. “Could you play that again?” hesitating at first you restarted the piece.

He took out a blank piece of sheet music and started scribbling down notes. As if memorizing the piece, he tapped his fingers before bringing his thumb to his mouth and chewing on it. Tapping his foot as the piece came to an end, he glanced at the time before walking over to one of the room's cellos. His face resembled discontent as he looked at it. Looking to where he sat, you realized he didn’t have his with him. You presumed it had to do with the instrument being heavy and somewhat large. Though for somebody of his height, it may not be that big of a deal. Perhaps he didn’t want to lug it around with him, considering he had all of those other books for classes. “So uh, why did you want to hear it again?” you mumbled, rubbing the back of your neck as you watched him strum a few strings. He was checking the accuracy and pitch of the notes. With a contempt sigh, he shrugged.

“Your writing is considerably well done. I wished to try something that is all.” He did not shed a glance as he sat down and ran the bow across the strings. The sound was heaven within your ears, but to him, it was nothing but ordinary. The sound of a well-made expensive Russian model, the model he owned, was much better than this school-provided variant. As the melody played, you recognized it as your piece. Smiling slightly as your eyes sparkled. You bolted from your seat to grab your folder; the music that was due in 10 minutes.

Looking over the cello part you had constructed, you changed the key signature to hold a few new sharps and took away some of the flats. Boldly, you handed the male the sheet music and pointed as if asking "Is this the piece you were playing?" Setting the cello aside, he ran a finger over the bars with a nod. “So that’s what I was missing! You're a god at memorizing and creating. Now I'm excited to see what you concocted for the presentation.” You smiled lightly before placing the folder in the bin. “Oh, I never got your name. I’m-” he cut you off before you could formally introduce yourself.

“You’re y/n. I do pay attention to people who aren't a complete waste of time.” The layers of his ego began to shine through his solid expression. The way you'd called him god just then, was another layer added to the ever-growing ego this man had. He thought he was above everybody else; he indeed was. In every way possible, he was above the normal human. With an exceptionally sharp mind, emotionless facade, and a spin of extraordinary talents, he was a god among men. “I’m taken aback, you don’t know me.” frowning you sat back at your desk. Leaning your head against the palm of your hand with a frown, you clicked your tongue.

Coming up with a sharp reply, you rolled your eyes. “Please, who doesn't know the great Dostoevsky. You’re only at the top of our class. Correcting myself before you can, the top in everything.” He snickered his brows raising in interest. His lips curled into a smirk moments before breaking to speak to you again.

“Consider your words before speaking. That wasn’t exactly the best wording to say "I'm better than everybody at everything.” It took you several seconds to realize what had gone through his head. Of course, he understood what you were saying, but he also managed to nitpick everything.

Blushing you placed your hands in front of your face. “I didn't think about it because that’s not what I was saying!” he snickered again. Listening to him stand you peeked from your hands to watch him set away the cello and bow.

“How often do you perform at that pub?” He switched the discussion relatively quickly. But with the sudden pause of your reaction and the setting away of the instrument, it flowed nicely with the conversation.

“Once or twice a month?” You answer honestly. A bit upset by the lack of real performances you had.

“Next time, I'll reserve something, and we’ll set something up. I want to see if you can play something… difficult.” It wasn't much of a question, more a demand. Nodding you wrote down your number, sliding it to the student with a smile as the bell rang.

For the next week, the two of you met in the unused rooms Fyodor managed to snag for practicing. He often shook his head at your way of playing. He did compliment the several different instruments you would take with you. From the cello to the violin, there wasn’t much you couldn’t play. Each was expertly designed and crafted to fit your arm length and height. Custom made and shipped from all over the world. Eventually, it became a routine, going to his concerts as he attended yours. While you praised how good he was, he would find the smallest mistakes to condemn you about.

[ssadumba55]

You (Bernard the Elf x Reader)

Request: Oh my goodness oh my goodness okay I have a cute idea for a Bernard fic! So you know how Bernard wasn't in the third movie? Let's say he was doing some work somewhere else and couldn't see his S/O for so long. How about a little fic when he comes back, maybe surprising his S/O? And everyone is in on it and nobody tells his S/O until they see him! Of course you don't have to write this if you don't want to!

A/N: First one of the season so I’m a bit rusty and this might be highly OOC. Oh well. Enjoy it either way!

Living at the North Pole had kind of started to lose its excitement for you.

Once upon a time, it had been everything you’d hoped for and more.

You used to wake up every morning just raring to go for the day, every day was a new adventure and you had been ready to tackle it. But now, walking through the North Pole was just a cold reminder that you couldn’t be with him.

It had been almost a year and a half now since your boyfriend, Bernard had departed from the Pole, leaving Curtis as his temporary replacement and promising to be back as soon as his work was finished.

What was the work? You had never really found out, Curtis didn’t know, and Santa refused to tell you, it’s not like you were very high up in the elf ranks to demand an answer.

Your job was literally to scoop reindeer poop. Well, you had other jobs, you were a reindeer handler not a personal pooper scooper but that was mostly what the job seemed to entail, unfortunately.

Without Bernard around to force you away from your work for breaks, you spent one hundred percent of your time in the stables tending to the reindeers every whim. Sometimes, the other elves would even arrive in the morning to find you’d fallen asleep on the job, nestled in a pile of hay.

Everyone was worried about you, of course they were. The longer you and Bernard were separated, the less you seemed to care about your own personal wellbeing. The other elves had tried to convince you to take breaks, but you ignored them. Even Santa himself couldn’t drag you away from work (and he’d tried; several times).

After a while, everybody had stopped trying. You don’t exactly know what had changed their opinions on your workaholic behavior, but one day everybody seemed to simultaneously agree with each other to leave you to your own devices. Maybe they finally realized there was nothing on this planet that would get you out of those stables.

 You wiped your forehead, tossing your rake to the side and leaning against the side of the stall. For some reason, none of your fellow worker elves had decided to join you in the stables that day. The whole way to your job you’d received odd looks and whispers, but you figured they were just making fun of your workaholic habits.

“I heard you moved in here,” a familiar voice said from behind you, just as you started getting back into the groove of your work after your short break. You didn’t even turn around, there was no point. You knew it was just some elf trying to get you to take a break.

“Yeah, I sleep in the hayloft,” you snorted sarcastically. There was a sort of laugh in response and you straightened up, fully intending on telling whoever this was to scram. You needed to focus on work, not be chit chatting.

“Look I’d love to talk but-“You turned around, cutting yourself off before you’d even finished the sentence. The last person you’d ever expected to see standing there before you was there.

He looked a little different (maybe a lot). His hair was shorter than last time you’d seen him, and he was definitely just a little bit taller (much to your dismay, he loved to tease you about being slightly taller than you). His usual attire, the clothes he typically wore around the North Pole, had been switched for something more casual, but it looked out of place.

There was no doubt. This was your boyfriend.

As soon as you realized who you’d been talking to, your rake fell back out of your hands, clanging to the floor loudly.

“I’m back?” he grinned sheepishly, “Surprise?”

There was a moment, just a moment where anger flashed through you. It was definitely justified, he disappears with no explanation for a year and a half, then has the nerve to just show up, acting like nothing had changed over that timespan.

As quick as that emotion flashed through you, it left as well. There was no denying that was a silly way to react to your boyfriend coming home.

You realized you’d been standing there staring for far too long to be considered normal and before you could stop yourself, you ran the short distance wrapping your arms around his neck. Without warning, you began to sob into his shirt.

You hadn’t allowed yourself to cry once since he’d left and now here you were, finally, able to let it all out. He didn’t even seem to mind this, rubbing your back gently as he wrapped his arms around you.

“I missed you so much,” you sounded pathetic, you mentally cringed at the tremor in your voice.

“I know. I missed you too, but come on, (Y/n), you promised me you wouldn’t stay in the stable the whole time I was gone,” he slid his finger under your chin, gently guiding your face to look up at him.

“How’d you know?” You asked, guiltily.

“Scott and Curtis. They wrote me in a panic a few weeks ago and said I need to get back here as soon as possible. You were driving them nuts,” he admitted, moving his arm to your waist and gently beginning to coax you out of the stables.

You didn’t even try to fight against him, he was right. You needed a break, you could feel aches all over your body, some in places you didn’t even know it was possible to ache.

“They’ve known you were coming home for weeks and didn’t tell me?”

“I told them not to, I needed to see for myself just how bad you were…”

“And?”

Bernard stopped suddenly in the middle of the main square, meeting your eyes. There was a hint of humour in his eyes, but his voice sounded dead serious: “I’m never leaving you again.”

You pulled him into a kiss ignoring the shouts of relief and happiness from around you. You relaxed as Bernard pulled away to grab your hand and take you somewhere more private.

“I’m sorry for ruining your new job.”

“That job was missing something special anyway.”

You tilted your head as he opened the door to his long unoccupied home, turning to face you in the doorway.

“What was that?”

“You.”

[synesindri]

end of the year review tag

thank you to the lovely @theoceanismyinkwell for the tag! 💕

What fandoms did you create for?

mainly supernatural but also brief forays into the loki showki and netflix’s ragnarok!

How many works did you make this year? Fics (posted on ao3 or tumblr or wherever), edits, gifsets, moodboards, playlists, fanart, vids, meta?

uhhhhhh let’s see...i put 32 things on ao3, which i will count as my fic contribution (some of those are drabbles, and i wrote some short things i posted on here and/or on discord that i didn’t put on ao3, but we’re just gonna call it 32). i put 30 pieces of art in my “my art” tag on tumblr this year and i’m estimating there are about 10 more that i didn’t post anywhere/posted to discord only/didn’t tag, so let’s call that 40. who even knows about meta lol...i deemed 13 posts worthy of my “my meta” tag but i said a bunch of other shit so idk. and i made 19 fan playlists. 

damn that is more than i thought??

Any stats you wanna tell us about?

i doubled my wordcount on ao3! i also had posts that got over 1k notes on here for the first time :D 

What inspired you this year? Any specific works or creators?

the importance of the archangels discord server and the people in it cannot be overstated in my inspirations of the year. massive shout out to everybody on there for being huge-brained, enabling, and Weird. same goes to the deranged citizens of my tumblr dash honestly.

uhhh an important one is everybody who has commented on anything i’ve posted ever. i am generally about myself first and foremost when it comes to content creation but the fact of my stuff being enjoyed does really spur me on — i am also fortunate to have had chatty commenters who have dropped brilliant and/or bizarre ideas in response to my work, many of which i have added to my headcanons and mental inspiration list. 

also everybody who made and posted something kind of risky for whatever reason?? regrettably i really adore being in the spn fandom but it is a more stressful fandom than many and seeing other people take risks has inspired me to do the same. i’ve made stuff that i’m really proud of (and that other people have seemed to like!) thanks to watching other people take creative risks 

and s/o to sav just because <3

What are you most proud of?

sorry to be corny but i’m proud of having fun :p i had a shitty shitty bad awful year and i’m pleased i was able to figure out something to make it less awful and throw myself at it. i’m proud of thinking fun thoughts and making friends with lovely people in spite of everything

What’s a piece you didn’t expect to make? Why?

losing my religion!! i wrote it in a weekend flurry of self-soothing desperation and it turned out really well and i’m really happy with it, but i had no fucking clue i’d suddenly decide this nonsense random ex-vessel rarepair is important enough to me for me to do all this lol

NO PRESSURE AT ALL tagging @fandom-space-princess, @openpolarsea, @flaming-michael-sword, @whisperoftheheart925, @strawberryoolong, @ramseynatural, @rosemarysdevil, @notquiteinsane @deavoured @riskylatte and anyone else who wants to do this! (begging & pleading for you to say i tagged you if you do this because i extremely want to know what everyone is up to and is proud of and such!!!!)

[queen-thinky-thoughts]

Freddie and bullying

So, I keep coming back to the interview with Freddie’s former classmate from boarding school which was in this new documentary. Especially one thing he said has stuck in mind, which is: 

“He was a quiet guy. And although he was a shy guy, he wouldn't be bullied. He wouldn't be bullied, he was not gonna back down.”

To me, this immediately made perfect sense because it’s very in line with what I personally see and how I understand Freddie and his character. How so? Well, there are a couple of interesting things to unpack here.

Firstly, what is said is not: He wasn’t bullied.

Instead, it is: He would not be bullied.

And that is a big difference. 

Now, I want to begin by briefly addressing my own life, because I am fully aware that my life experiences colour my speculations and opinions here, and I think that is the case for all of us, naturally. I was viciously bullied at school for many years for ‘being different’ (and this included, but was not limited to, the fact that I was very artistically expressive and undeterred in my very strong artistic ambitions no matter what, playing the lead in every school play, singing the solos in choir, etc, even though this did not at all make me popular. Instead, people would shout abuse after me in the hallways and try to push me down the stairs and such. “Is your name Ana-star-sia cause you wanna be a star?” 😂 - is something I got to hear quite a lot. So, yes, there is somerthing about Freddie’s experience in his teens at school and later in college which has a very familiar ring on a personal level for me. “I’ll be a pop star/legend”, “Freddie Baby” and all that. I can’t help but relate. I fully acknowledge my personal bias here.

With that caveat out of the way, back to Freddie.

The former classmate who was interviewed did not, in fact, say that Freddie wasn’t bullied. In my opinion, he said the opposite. Because by saying that he wouldn’t be bullied, what he is talking about is not what was happening, but how Freddie dealt with it. So what this actually confirms for me is that there was bullying, but equally that Freddie refused to be cowed by it. Perhaps apart from becoming more reserved and quiet than he would have been naturally. Did I spend many hours, days, weeks weeping into my pillow in high school because everybody hated me? Yes. Did this stop me from still putting myself out there, still gunning for the lead in the school play, still wanting to sing those solos? No. There are different ways of dealing with bullying, and they are personality dependant. Some people do become complete wallflowers and shut down entirely, trying to withdraw themselves from the centre of attention completely to stop attracting negative attention. And others, perhaps more stubborn or wilful people, do the opposite. They continue to be themselves more unapologetically, pretend to ignore the bullying, pretend it doesn’t get to them at all, pretend they’ve above it. With everything I’ve read about Freddie, I firmly believe he was the latter. He would not be bullied. He would not let his bullies determine what he did or didn’t do, nor dissuade him from his ambitions. And perhaps, that experience in school even served him well later in life.

I’ll come back to personal experience here, because it’s relevant. As an actor, even just trying to get into drama school, I face/faced constant criticism and rejection. 9 out of 10 auditions will end in rejection. Every performance you are in will be criticised. You are always too fat, too short, too ugly, too wrong for somebody in the entertainment industry. And I have honestly often thought to myself that if I hadn’t made the experience I did in school, if I hadn’t had to get used to the thought that if I attract attention, there will always be people who will hate me, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, no matter how much I attempt to please them. It is a hard lesson to learn, that you will never be universally loved by all, especially for the sensitive artistic types who just want to be seen, and heard and long for their artistic expression to be appreciated and adored. 

Now, think of the way Queen and Freddie specifically were often viciously torn down by the music press. I think that the experience I believe he had in school made that easier to deal with for him. I think that, since childhood, he had learned to laugh with the people who laughed at him and not seem daunted by it. Does that mean it no longer affected him? Absolutely not. It still stings. You still always have to remind yourself, like a mantra, that not everybody will love you. Not everybody will love you. There is always a part of you that thinks, but what if, but maybe- It remains a constant struggle for all artists, I firmly believe.

So what I am saying is that Freddie was evidently bullied in boarding school to some extent, but I cannot for the life of me imagine, given what I’ve read of his character, that he isolated himself because of it or let it “ruin” his life. He was still social. He was still in a band. He still seemed happy enough to his friends most of the time, probably. Because both things can be true. You can be bullied, even terribly, and still go to parties, and still laugh, and still have friends and still refuse to see yourself as a victim.

This is what it comes down to. One’s perception of oneself. I think it’s very clear, throughout Freddie’s life, that he did not like and in fact actively refused to be pitied or to see himself as a victim of his circumstances the large majority of the time. That is also a strength of character which makes a person very attractive, and it’s frankly one of the things I love about him. See, if you had asked me while I was in high school if I was unhappy, I would have said no. I’m happy. I’m fine. Because from my perspective, I wasn’t letting the bullies ruin my life. I wasn’t letting them tear me down. I was winning. I was undefeated. And to me personally, it makes perfect sense that Freddie would have felt that way, too.

Now, there is also something tangential, a little speculation I want to throw out there. I think due to the nature of boarding school, there is definitely a certain amount of camaraderie involved and I think that while Freddie definitely didn’t have an easy time of it there, he had a much worse time at Polytech in terms of bullying once he came to London. Why? Well, this is what the Laura Jackson biography has to say about that time, but keep in mind I have found inaccuracies in that biography and there are no sources given for where the author acquired this information:

“In appearance, accent and temperament he must have felt different, and in his neighbourhood he was treated as such. From the start he suffered from ignorant bigotry – made the butt of constant ridicule and abuse. His first reaction was to retreat into a shell. But, recognising that he was there to stay, he realised it would be impractical for him to hide away. Applying his well-developed streak of self-discipline, he worked out a simple plan of attack. Since his narrow-minded tormentors saw him as a funny foreigner, he played the Persian popinjay for them and parodied himself ruthlessly. This took the sting out of their tails, effectively robbing them of their fun. But, brazening it out took its toll, and at home he became unhappy and insecure, desperate to fit in and yet aware that he was different.”

While I have no proof nor sources for this other than this one biography, it does make sense to me. It makes sense to me looking at the video from Polytech and his entire body language. It makes sense to me in context of the entire situation. It makes me think that if there was a part of his schooling where he was really, truly miserable much of the time - it was most likely then. (So much so that I wrote fic about it.)

So there you are, my detailed thoughts on Freddie and bullying.