#Reactions like this are why I don't share anything with you mother. Have you considered that?

[idledreams4]

my mother is in a bad mood today

Great.

[hazbinhazmeinachokehold]

Hey! So I really liked your child + overlords, and I’ve been watching too many horror movies lately, so I was thinking; what if a kid like Samhain (Sam from “Trick r Treat”) was the kid.

He’s not even an overlord but how would they be with him when he clearly likes them, he shares candy with them, follows them around, and likes to cozy up with them. (especially since he’s as old as hallow’s eve itself and still kinda acts like a child, but never had a caretaker or someone to consider family) But when someone tries to hurt them, Sam does something super horrific to their attacker that would even creep Alastor out? But then he goes back to the lovable Sam that they know but what’s their reactions?

A/n: I haven’t watched Trick or Treat, so I based off a few clips I watched. Also by attacked them, I assume you mean the overlord? I’m so sorry if not!!! :( 

!!!not proofread!!!

Alastor: Very intrigued by you. Which, knowing Alastor is the reason he was nice to you in the first place, which spiraled into friendship. You were unnaturally cuddly. Which Alastor would usually hate, but, for some reason, he didn’t mind with you. Also, you kept giving candy? He wasn't entirely sure where you kept getting it because the hotel didn’t have any, but it was a sweet gesture nonetheless. One day both of you were going for an evening stroll. Until some, to put it frankly, idiot, attacked Alastor. Well tried to at least. Most people couldn’t get a scratch on him and this was no exception. What was different this time was that it was him who drew screams out of the sinner.  Instead, you, sweet, kind, you, were the one responsible.  You ended up disturbing Alastor, which is hard to do, so good job!  But after you were done you reverted back into your innocent self. Has a new reason for why he likes you after that day.

Rosie: I mentioned this in my overlord post but, mother figure. She will give you candy as well! (Just don't eat it if you're not a cannibal) She’ll make sure she always has time for you. And even when she is spending time with others she is not opposed to you tagging along. You and she had just bought some candy and were on your way back to cannibal town. You and Rosie were having a lovely conversation before someone tackled Rosie to the ground. She was able to push them off rather fast before you jumped in. Rosie was kinda shell-shocked. But despite how eldritch horror-esque the scene was, she was used to this because of Alastor. She was more surprised that it was you of all sinners. After you were done you turned back into your nice self. Tbh she doesn’t really care, she treats you the same. 

Vox: I’m going to be honest with you bestie he doesn’t like you at first. He didn’t hate you or anything, just didn’t particularly care for you. That being said, you do grow on him. He doesn’t eat the candy you give him (weirdly enough he can though. We see him eat popcorn in the final.) I don’t know bro just isn’t going to eat candy some random kid gave him from who knows where. Also, you're always in the ads. it wasn’t on purpose at first but soon he would just casually hold you in the ads, he never mentions it though. One day he’s going to film an ad and you are tagging along as you always do. When somebody tries to attack Vox with a bat, but they were stopped in their tracks by you. Vox just stared at horror and amazement as you made the sinner pay. After the horror wears off the dude is amazed. If you weren’t friends before you are now. Despite the fact that you’re, y’know, a child, he kind of uses you for scary dog privileges.

Velvette: Surprisingly accepting of you. Would probably post pics with your candy and cuddling with you. She does just straight up like you even without social media. Velvette is the youngest overlord which makes her a pretty easy target. So while it wasn't a surprise for her to get attacked how you responded was. Out of instinct, she starts recording not just to post it, I mean yes that too, but also to make sure what she was seeing was real. Which was especially needed after you went back to your cutesy self. Despite how unbelievable it was she was pretty indifferent at the end of the day. Will ask you if you can do that more for photos though.

Carmila: New mother part 2. Though admittedly she isn't one for cuddles or candy. She does take it and cuddle to make you happy. Very protective of you. You are kind and she doesn't want you to get hurt, thankfully she doesn't have to worry about you. Someone attacking the overlord who makes weapons isn't wise, but as you’ve probably learned by now, messing with someone you care about is even more stupid. She wants to stop you but also doesn't want to hurt you or get herself in the crossfire. But hey now she knows you can protect yourself. Maybe even against an exorcist without angelic metal because holy fuck. Anyway, now she trains with you.

  (A/n: Bro Tumblr fucking deleted this when I was ¾ done with it.)

[meanbossart]

I've been loving the DU Drow as a companio asks, so I've got my own. I was wondering what kind of interactions he would have with the other companions.

More specifically, we know Astarion flirts with almost anyone (for his own reasons) and even sleeps with Bae'zel at the tiefling party if you turn him down as a player. So, since the Drow is in the group now, what would his interaction with Astarion be? Would Astarion assume him to be the strongest and best chance of survival if manipulated? Would Astarion try to sleep with the Drow the same way he would with Lae'zel?

(Regarding the companions in general) Oh I can easily see him and Shadowheart having some cute party banter, they'd poke light fun at each other and have a similarly "darkly dramatic" reaction to things. He'd easily be the most talkative with her, often initiating mundane conversations about stuff you find. I can see some dialogue between them triggering upon finding one of the many drink-stashes you come across where they discuss what they like best when it comes to wine - or what they think they like, at least, considering the state of their memories.

Gale would be eager to inquire him about drow and the underdark, and where he got his fighting prowess from, which would visibly annoy DU drow since he can't fucking remember anything LOL he'd comment about how he always thought male drow were supposed to be a little… Flimsier, prompting a response along the lines of "I suppose my mother must have fed me well. I do have quite the appetite for loud-mouths."

Gale's like :U my goodness. Point taken.

He might talk to Karlach about Avernus, being fond of the savage nature of it. He'd also ask her if "something's bothering her" and when she asks why he's asking, he comments on how she can never seem to be still for long LOL

If Jaheira joins the party later she takes an interest in him (I WONDER WHY) and they could also share a little friendly banter. DU drow ends up asking her things about Baldur's Gate and herself to fill the gaps in his memory, as well as her children. He expresses how, if he thought himself more fit for a father, he'd have some of his own. Jaheira tells him it's probably better this way.

The banter with Astarion would be pretty par for the course - a mix between being flirtatious in nature and a little passive-aggressive all at once. At some point he says he can't keep quiet about how he stinks of carrion - DU calmly tells him that it can't be helped, due to their circunstances, and that he has a pretty cadaveric perfume himself. Astarion gets offended and tells him he knows for a fact that he smells lovely - DU drow tells him those statements need not be mutually exclusive.

He'd also ask Wyll about Mizora and what it's like to be in her servitute, claiming that he "wouldn't mind doing her a few favors himself" and Wyll tries his darn best to brush that off.

Lae'zel picks on him about his, erm, unreliable state of mind and accuses DU drow of basically being a ticking-time-bomb. DU responds that he feels less like a bomb and more like a vent releasing a steady flow of noxious fumes - if that helps her sleep better at night.

He also snorts at Minthara's "jokes".

(Onto the second part of this already far-too-long reply:)

And I THINK SO, I think Astarion would take him for being more easily manipulated than Lae'zel and try his luck there instead.

Small detour: you know, I always thought it'd be neat if some of the companions formed relationships with each other if you didn't pursue them. We see friendships form but romances would be fun too - like Karlach and Shadowheart could get together if you didn't pair with either of them, and Ascended Astarion and Minthara if you happened to have that party configuration in act 3. I don't really see many of the others having that kind of chemistry, but I wouldn't want the whole camp to be in love with each other anyway lol just 1 or 2 other couples would make the party feel more autonomous.

So, in a world where that's a part of the game, I obviously would say they get together if you don't romance either (from a mechanic standpoint player still gets first dibs LOL) and that unlocks unique party banter and dialogue where you can ask them about it once per act and reveal the "status" of the relationship. In act 2 you get to comment about how they seem to "steal away" together often. Astarion implies they're obviously having sex, and that he's always wanted to "try a little drow - but a big one is even better". If you ask DU drow about it he keeps details and motivations to himself, but acknowledges that they have something going on. You can then tell him that you believe he's being used, and DU drow very nonchalantly says that "he's well aware", but that he isn't worried about it.

In Act 3, when you ask again, Astarion somewhat bashfully reveals that the drow grew on him, and if you press on about the topic he reveals that they haven't even had sex since act 1, they just do a lot of talking, as he sheepishly puts it. If you ask DU drow about it he's much more upfront in saying that they've become an item, and that he's very happy in Astarion's company.

[marvelstars]

Does it bothers you when people are like "Leia is so Anakin coded" or "Leia is so alike both Ani and Padme" while completely reducing Luke to "Padme in a boy's body". I have seen a few edits of the twins on tik tok lately and always when the video is about the parallels between Anakin and Luke the comments go "No. That is wrong. Luke is like Padme and Leia is like Anakin", or "you get the twins right, anakin-Leia, luke-padme".

And I have tbh, that pisses me off a bit, mostly on Luke's behalf since he is my fave, cause while I totally agree Luke has a lot of similarities with Padme, he also is alike Anakin in so many ways. And it upsets me a little people just trying to erase everything they have in common just to support this narrative. (Main reason why I don't like the reverse AU, or Senator Luke fics. The ones I have read just straigh up pushed this narrative, putting his love to fly, his passion, and many things that makes Luke be Luke to the side only to make him be a version of Padme)

It is also upsetting for Leia, since she is far away from being 100% like Anakin. They are both passionate and determined people, yes, but this doesn't make her be "Ani 2.0". And this narrative also completely dismiss the existence of Bail and Breha on her upbringing.

Both twins share a lot of similarities with both of their parents in different and intricated ways, with a lot of their own personality on the mix, what makes them unique. It baffles me see them being reduced to charicatures of their parents.

I agree with you, I understand fandom wants to have fun with memes but sometimes they go too far, Leia and Luke ultimately are their own persons and tbh those takes also do a big disservice to Anakin and Padme characters´reducing their arc and personality terribly and ignoring Owen, Beru, Bail and Breha influence on the twins emotional development.

But I will focus on Luke and his relationship to Anakin here.

Luke is a strong force sensitive with a good aptitude towards mechanical work, he is passionate, short tempered, idealist, has big dreams for the future, excellent pilot and soldier who cares more than anything for friends and family and causes he considers just, he is also kind and compassionate even if this doesn´t come easily to him, just like Anakin was at his age.

That said, he is also down to earth, pragmatic and has a no non-sense actitude when it comes to other people, see his reaction to Han trying to scam them on their travel to Alderaan, he doesn´t suffer people trying to make him feel inferior because he knows his own personal value, those are characteristics he got for being raised by his uncle and aunt, sure they lived on a desert planet full of Hutts, slavers, criminals and bounty hunters but they lived an honest way of life and didn´t believe they owned either group an ounce of their honest work, they only ever owned it to their family.

Anakin´s experiences shaped him differently on this matter, given his life as slave his mother teached him the art of bend,dont break by keeping his identity intact, this made him more susceptible to be ordered around by the Chancellor, the Jedi Council, the Republic sometimes even Padme even if this meant sacrificing his original hopes of freeing his mother, the slaves of tatooine and having a family.

Anakin developed low self esteem issues when he got separated from his mother because he no longer had her unconditional support and knew the reason why he was trained by the Jedi was contingent to his habilities and what he could do for the Order, not because he as a person, was important or would have been chosen for himself as a Jedi if he wasn´t so strong in the force but he learned to keep his real self buried and protected from outside forces while using the systems controlling him to his advantage. Palpatine managed to break him but even Vader was able to keep part of his real self alive despite the Emperor´s many efforts to turn him completely to the darkside ,which Luke noticed thanks to his bond to his father.

Those characteristics Luke got from his Uncle and Aunt served Luke well when he confronted the Emperor, Obi-Wan and Yoda, he already was interested in being a Jedi because of his father but this didn´t mean he was going to blindly follow whatever order Yoda and Obi-Wan gave him as much as he personaly appreciated and loved them as people and masters in the force and he certainly wasn´t going to act as if the Emperor wasn´t trying to destroy his familiar bond to his father when he didn´t even know the guy, took his father from him before he was born and was the rebellion´s main adversary, all Palpatine was for Luke was an objetive to kill on sight and Palpatine knew this, that´s why he temped him to the darkside by giving him the oportunity to kill him. Luke is also of the mind that if he doesn´t agree with something and that something is the source of great pain for others he is 100% justified in destroying it, see Jabba´s palace, the death star, the Empire. Anakin´s style is more "I know the system doesn´t work, it sucks but I will be damned if I don´t try to fix it or work around it" because he often feel as if he had no other choice.

Many fans take for granted the fact Luke forgave his father as his main personality trait when the opposite is the truth, Luke wasn´t a stranger to violence because he lived on a planet in which if you didn´t learn to take care of yourself you could die and as part of the rebellion he wasn´t a stranger to killing imperials and losing loved ones to the cause, the interesting thing about Luke´s CHOICE of saving his father isn´t that it was part of his nature all along, it´s the fact that´s pretty much agaisn´t his natural temperament, saving Vader went agaisn´t his natural care for family, Vader may be his father but he hurt his friends and Leia, saving Vader was the least pragmatic choice acording to his identity as a rebel and Jedi, saving Vader went agaisn´t his own feelings of abandoment and yearning for a father feeling betrayed by Anakin´s turn to the darkside.

Still Luke made this choice because he felt how utterly isolated and broken Vader was and he cared enough for the image of the father he never knew, a father he knew could still be there, to show him some uncomplicated, familiar love once again, the kind his aunt and uncle showed him, if only for Luke´s own peace of mind that he truly tried everything to make his father feel better, while his pragmatic side took care of things by letting Leia know about his mission and telling her they had to attack the DSII anyway even if he was there because the cause of freeing the galaxy from the Empire was still more important than his personal feelings and issues with his father.

The narrative gives Luke the victory, saving his father from the darkside which lead to the destruction of the Emperor and the Empire, for being loving and compassionate despite this not coming natural to him but as part of his personal grow and maybe, as the legacy of the two women who shaped his family without him meeting them, Shmi and Padme and the person his father used to be.

Luke and the Skywalker family in general are waaay more than some fans give them credit.

Thanks for the question anon

[whumpshaped]

What if Helle found Beck after a night of drinking and didn’t know how to act when Beck is overly comfortable with seeing them? Sorry if ooc for Beck

i didnt know whether itd be ooc so i just started writing and let it take me wherever it wanted to lol i hope u enjoy!!!

masterlist

tw vampire whumper, intimate whumper, alcohol and drinking and being drunk, dubcon kissy on cheek

He deserved this. He had been living in terror for the past month, and all he wanted was a bit of fun. Spending time with his friends. Normalcy.

Beck downed his third shot way too quickly, eager to forget about the fact that he was a vampire chewtoy now, and it was likely only a matter of time before Helle decided to escalate. This could've been his last free night! So why not make it a stupidly drunk one?

"I've never seen you drink like that," Sofie said with equal parts awe and worry in her voice. "Is this still about that bite scare?"

"I just wanna have fun," he whined. "Can't I? I'm fine."

"I'd never dream of prohibiting that." She still looked nervous, making Beck groan.

"I haven't been out at night for weeks. I just wanna... relax. I just wanna feel normal for a second." He briefly thought about switching his and Noah's shot glasses while he was in the bathroom and drinking his share too, but he wasn't drunk enough yet to trade mouth germs. "Is that such a crime? I won't, like, drink myself into oblivion."

"You're right," she conceded. "I'm not your mother or anything. I'm sure you can look after yourself."

"Thank you. I'll be responsible."

He ended up being less than responsible, buying and consuming at least three more shots. There was no stopping the constant whirling and swirling of the bar anymore, and he barely had the strength to keep his eyes open — but the spinning got so much worse whenever he closed them.

He somehow managed to pay for everything before sliding off the bar stool and heading towards the exit, never considering that it was well past midnight and the crowd outside was thinning. Thoughts of vampires were drowned out by a sudden desire for some pizza, and he decided to try to get to a restaurant he'd been to exactly one time before and gotten lost on the way. He had even been sober, then.

"Oh, goddammit... It should be right here," he muttered, staring at the closed clothing store. "Would it even be open at this hour..?"

"Beck?"

The vampire's voice cut through the drunken haze like a dagger, and he spun around to face them with such momentum that he almost lost his balance entirely. "Helle!" His back hit the locked glass doors of the shop behind him, and he was grateful for the added support. "I'm– I'm looking for the pizza place. You wouldn't happen to know where that is, huh?"

Helle tilted their head at him in curiosity, and he really wished he could've waved a magic wand and sobered up instantly. They had already fed for the night. They were supposed to leave him alone for the rest of it. "Do you drink often?" they asked, completely disregarding his question.

He couldn't help it when he just... laughed. It was an involuntary reaction, a result of his anxiety and the absurdity of the situation. "I don't think that's any of your business!" He flinched back immediately after saying it, cursing himself internally. "Well, I mean, it's not like– y'know, I'm just saying..."

"It is definitely my business. Do you even know how bitter alcohol makes the blood?" They stalked closer, and Beck quickly tried to slip away and continue walking down the street.

"Nope! And you absolutely don't have to put yourself through that!" He almost cursed out loud this time when Helle caught up to him, casual as ever. "Really, I'm just gonna– you know what? I really don't want pizza anymore. I'm gonna– I'm gonna head home. It was great seeing you–"

He did a swift 180, swift enough to stumble and trip over his own feet again, for real this time. Helle was quicker, catching him by the arm before he even realised he was falling. "Humans baffle me sometimes," they murmured. "Your solution to being pursued by a dangerous predator is to make yourself even more vulnerable?"

"No, no, I drank all that alcohol so you'd hate the taste of my blood. I totally knew about the bitterness. This is like– this is advanced, I wouldn't expect you to understand." He pulled on his arm weakly, not even surprised when it did nothing to make Helle release him. "Sorry, I'm just saying anything at this point," he added with a nervous little laugh. "I always do that. I shouldn't be allowed to drink. Hey, how about– what if you let go of me, and then, then I went home, and we just forgot about this?"

"I wish I could." They pulled him even closer, their amused smile greatly undermining their semi-serious tone. "But you are just adorable when you cannot shut up. Not to mention how warm you are right now... flushed... I think you should drink more, actually."

Beck could feel his face getting even warmer at the closeness. A misguided, touch-starved part of him recognised Helle's words as almost flattery, and desperately wanted to just lean into it. The other, rational, sober part of him wanted to run — but it was difficult with his limbs not complying. "You d-don't actually think that," he stammered, still making futile attempts at pushing the vampire away. "I get so annoying."

They must've realised how much he wanted them to deny that, because their smile widened, red eyes gleaming with mischief. "I do think that," they purred. "I always think you are cutest when you tell the truth. When you let that blatant need for praise shine right through."

"I don't– I don't... huh?" He was properly flustered now, so much so that he forgot he was supposed to be struggling. "Stop mocking me," he said without any conviction, so quiet that it could've easily gotten lost in the noise of the street. He knew they heard it, though. A perk of talking to vampires.

God, what was he thinking?

"I would never dream of mocking you. Not when you look so pretty and desperate." His breath hitched when they leaned in, pulling him closer by his shirt to press a kiss to his cheek. "Unless you asked me to, of course. But I thought you were trying to get away," they whispered. "Why are you clinging now?"

Beck had no idea when his fingers had gotten tangled up in the fabric of Helle's sweater, and he pushed them away instantly, thoroughly embarrassed and confused. "I'm g-going home," he exclaimed, waiting for Helle to stop him, or say something that would've made him change his mind, or... something. But they didn't. They just stood there, smiling, letting Beck look like a complete idiot.

"Do you secretly live here?" they teased. "Or would you like to spend some more time with me?"

"Absolutely not. I'm– I'm going. Bye." He turned to leave, getting out of there as fast as he could. He rubbed his cheek absentmindedly with the sleeve of his hoodie the entire way to the bus station, trying to get rid of the feeling of soft lips against his skin.

He really, truly shouldn't have been allowed to drink.

~

taglist: @whumpsday @the-scrapegoat @hidden-dreamland @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night @delicateprincepaper @whumppmuhw @florissimps @nicolepascaline @oliversrarebooks @the-cyrulik @pirefyrelight @there-will-always-be-blood @pigeonwhumps @echo-goes-mmm @whumpycries @morning-star-whump @d-cs

[avocado-writing]

i absolutely ADORE the little universe you've made for the light the dark and the spaces in between and i don't really have any specific requests, all i'm requesting is whatever work in that universe that you've already come up with or if you do get an idea for something for my favourite throuple this is an excuse to post it hihi

Notes: first of all, fav throuple? 🥹 I’m asking for your hand in marriage. Second of all I got an ask about reader being nonbinary in this series but this fic explicitly discusses them being AFAB (but GNC, could be read as trans or not). set in TLTDATSIB verse, ish, the time period is a bit wonky (14thC ish) — consider this an au where reader follows aziraphale to France after their initial meeting, finds Crowley there too and everyone is pointing at each other like that Spider-Man meme going !! Immortal!!!

words: 2k

rating: T (sex references, mild peril)

pairing: crowley x reader x aziraphale

tags: TLTDATSIB, polyamory, Fem/Masc!Crowley, Fem/Masc!Aziraphale, GNC!Reader, historical, jousting

“Are you sure? It’s terribly dangerous.”

“Aziraphale,” you sigh, “I don’t do it because it’s safe.”

“Well why do it at all?” she whines, grabbing onto your hand beseechingly. Crowley looks up from where she’s been admiring her reflection in your armour. You turn to her for support, instead she shrugs. 

“I don’t know. For glory? For honour? To prove that I can?”

Aziraphale glares at Crowley to join in but is met with the same reaction. It seems that Crowley is determined to stay neutral in this scenario. How annoying. Just like a demon to find the most awkward solution for both parties.

You tie the linens around your chest a little tighter. Under your full plate it should be difficult to tell the shape of your body but you don’t want to take any chances. Aziraphale pouts and you sigh, turning back to her to take her hand in earnest.

“My darling, I’m not like either of you. When they look at me, they will only ever see one thing. I can’t change my body around and be whoever I want to be. I have to take these measures to be viewed as anything other than what I was when I came squawling from my mother.”

You cup her cheek and she nuzzles into your touch. 

“Besides,” you add, wickedly, “am I not good at wielding a lance?”

You grin, thinking back to the three of you laying together last night. Aziraphale harrumphs and Crowley laughs at her.

“They’ll be fine, angel,” she finally pipes up. Aziraphale doesn’t seem certain but finally relents, letting Crowley adjust her surcoat and take her hand.

“Good luck,” Crowley says, but the smile on her face suggests she doesn’t think you’ll need it. You give her a wink.

“With my two ladies cheering from the crowd, how could I lose?”

You give them both a kiss goodbye before Crowley finally wrestles the angel away, likely to get her a drink and a pep-talk before the tourney starts. As they leave, your squire begins to enter, his face turning beet red as Crowley ruffles his hair.

“Hello, Oliver. Make sure our good knight doesn’t fall from his horse, will you?” she says as she goes. Oliver tries to form a sentence, fails, and winces as Crowley sways away. 

A tiny slip of a lad, you took on Oliver not only for his immense courage despite his small stature, but because you both shared a secret - one which you uncovered when accidentally walking in on him changing. You’d recognise a bound chest anywhere. You thought no less of him for it, and told him he needed not beg for your silence: you’d keep it gladly.

“Sire, I’m here to help you finish dressing,” he states, when he finally manages to get a handle over his own tongue. 

“Well timed, Oliver. Help me with this breastplate.”

He heaves and helps with the leather straps, buckling you in place. You’re swelteringly hot. Ah well, time for that to get even worse when you ride out into the sun. You take a moment to check yourself over, only noticing Oliver’s quietness when he fails to point out one of your pauldrons is loose. You furrow your brow and turn to him.

“What’s on your mind, lad?”

“Might… Might I ask a question, sire?”

“Me saying no has never stopped you before,” you jest, but when you see him scuff his foot against the floor, you drop down to be able to look him in the eye. “What’s the matter, Oliver?”

“Your ladies… you’ll fight for them both, yes? For their honour as one?”

“Yes, I will.” You don’t go into great detail about your relationship but you trust Oliver with the truth. He sees Aziraphale and Crowley clucking around you like hens before a joust all the time anyway, and the boy isn’t a fool. He can do the arithmetic of it.  

“And they’re happy with that arrangement?”

You laugh a little, but put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Those two love each other as much as they love me. My life would not be a happy one without them both in it, and they feel the same.”

Sacrilege, but really, little in this room would be considered holy by the church. And besides, you have an angel as one of the willing participants of your relationship. You think it’s probably fine.

Oliver nods. He seems to understand, but still appears like something else is weighing on his mind. You really do smother your smile this time.

“Oliver,” you tell him, gently, “I also think that you might be a bit young for Lady Crowley.”

He blushes.

🗡️

You can barely see with your helmet on, so you keep it under your arm for the time being. You cut the figure of a man well enough anyway so for the moment there’s no need to worry about your face being on show. In fact, you’ve gained a reputation for being quite handsome.

Handsome but very spoken for. Apparently there was a lady discussing giving you her favour to joust, and Crowley spilt wine all over her skirts. Then again, she did the same when a knight rode up to ask to fight for Aziraphale’s honour, and suddenly found that his helmet crest had inexplicably burst into flames. 

Crowley knows how to mark her territory.

You run a hand over your horse’s nose, humming a soothing little note as she nickers and whinnies.

“I know it’s hot, girl. Let’s give them a show and then we’ll both get out of this damned armour.”

You saddle up, letting Oliver pass you your helmet and your shield. You ride as a freelancer so neither of them are burdened with some noble’s crest; instead you ride under your own: a pair of wings, one white, one black. A little nod to the two who matter the most to you.

You ride onto the field as horns herald the start of the joust. You know a few of the knights competing, and are well aware of your first opponent - Kenelm the agile, a man you’ve faced several times over and are at equals wins against. He nods at you from his steed, hailing the crowd as he’s announced. You look across the seating, and see Aziraphale and Crowley in the front row. Where they always are, whenever you compete. With an ineffable inevitability.

“And, riding under his own banner, Sir Kerkylas of Andros!”

Even with her glasses on you know Crowley is rolling her eyes at your chosen pseudonym. You ride up to the pair of them, grinning.

“Be careful,” Aziraphale begs for the umpteenth time. She passes you her favour: a little ring, golden, set with a pair of wings on it. 

“I will be,” you say, kissing her hand, then quieter: “You do remember that I can’t die?”

“Yes, but we don’t know if dismembering will do you any good!”

Crowley reaches over to present you her token, a pin embellished with a silver snake. You stow both in your saddlebag. 

“I’ll buy you a drink if you take the helmet clean off his head,” she whispers. 

“You’re on,” you agree. Crowley reaches out to caress your face, then stops and retreats abruptly.

“Better not lay that on too heavily. I think I might kill your squire.”

A glance over your shoulder reveals that Oliver looks like he might combust. Taking mercy on the poor boy, you nod your goodbyes to the two of them and ride up to greet Kenelm.

“Ken! Didn’t think I’d see you back in the saddle so soon after that humiliating defeat in Dover.”

Kenelm rolls his eyes but holds his tongue.

“Ah, Kerk. Sorry, didn’t see it was you. I was blinded by the pomp of your armour. I forget that you need to compensate for something.”

Ha, if only he knew. 

Despite the ribbing the two of you exchange a smile.

“Good luck, Ken. And remember, aim the lance at me. Poor Cynisca was dreadfully irritable after last time, when it seemed you were trying to skewer her flank.”

He grimaces at being reminded of the faux pas before putting his helmet on and readying himself. You trot to your side of the tilt where Oliver is heaving up your lance. 

“You’ll win,” he says confidently, “Kenelm always rides worse the earlier it is in the day. If you can get a solid enough hit in, it’s over, one round.”

“I hope that your faith in me isn’t misplaced, Oliver.”

You helmet up, resigning yourself to see what little of the world you can through the frog-lip, and clutch your lance. It’s heavy but you’re used to it by now. 

An expectant silence settles over the crowd. Aziraphale buries her face in Crowley’s shoulder.

“Oh, I can’t look–!”

The flag is waved, and you charge.

🗡️

You reflect on how Crowley never bought you that drink. She insisted that knocking a man clean off his horse didn’t count as taking his helmet off. A technicality, flimsy at best - but Aziraphale was too relieved at your victory to argue either side. You went on to place second at that particular tourney, the fire of it inciting you to ride to victory in your next. 

You stopped for a while after that. It was doing Aziraphale in a little, and you loved him too much to keep his nerves that frayed.

But, nowadays, reenactments are becoming somewhat of a fad. Usually you find them a little gauche, and it’s more than a bit uncomfortable to relive some aspects of your past, but you never truly lost your love for jousting. So you allow yourself a little vice in it. Your heart aches whenever you’re reminded of Oliver, but you kept tabs on his family, and his descendants are doing quite well. One of them lives in London and works for a charity helping LGBT youth. It seems fitting. 

Plus, Aziraphale is a lot calmer about you jousting this way. 

“Are you alright?” you ask the man you just took off his horse. He looks a little winded and gladly takes your help getting up.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Think it’s just my pride that’s bruised. You’re really good at this!”

You beam.

“I’ve had practice.”

You exchange socials so that he can follow up with any questions he might have, then turn to take your horse back to the tent the organisers have set up for you. Aziraphale and Crowley are waiting. Your angel has an ice-cream for you, which he passes over before tucking into his own.

“Who was he?” Crowley sniffs, peering over your shoulder. You roll your eyes.

“Just some kid interested in the sport. Stop being jealous.”

“I’m not jealous,” he says, jealously.

“You did marvellously, my love,” Aziraphale interjects. You smile at him.

“Thank you, darling. I can be a fiend with a lance when I want to be. Even if I am a little out of practice.”

“Hmm, not out of practice as of last night,” Crowley says and Aziraphale chokes on his soft-serve. It’s good to know that even after seven hundred years, your sense of humour hasn’t changed a jot.

“Oh, and,” you say, reaching into your bag, “your favours. Returned to you after they brought me luck.”

Aziraphale slips his ring back on, Crowley affixes the pin to his jacket. Your hands linger on each other’s, as they usually do.

“Let’s go get a drink.”

“You didn’t remove his helmet, so I’m not buying.”

“Oh, you utter bastard.”

-

taglist: @angiestopit@dazed-soul@smile-eywa@staygoldsquatchling02@underratedboogeyman@specter-soltare@candlewitch-cryptic@cool-ontherun-world@emilynissangtr@willbedecided@cool-iguana@bdffkierenwalker @ilyatan @civil-groupie@foolishprincipalitee

[piracytheorist]

Is there a scene in the Spy x Family anime that you wish was in the manga, or vice versa?

Hmmm... honestly, I'm quite satisfied with what I've been seeing so far, considering I'm one of the very few that go anime-to-manga instead of the opposite. It's always a surprise when I read the respective manga chapter of the episode I just watched, and to see that something was added in the anime.

Of course, my top favourite addition is the over-the-top Loidman adventure in episode 5. However, I don't believe it misses from the manga; it's just as ridiculous (affectionate) as it is, the anime simply took advantage of its animation perks to bring it to a different level. Similar is the scene of Yor bringing Anya's gym clothes to her, I even remember watching it and going like "I wonder how that goes in the manga" and being surprised that it was an original part! Again, in this part, there was a lot of focus on the over-the-top action and movement, something that the anime can use much more easily.

So I don't think I have an anime-only scene that I miss from the manga. As for vice versa, I wouldn't say it's the lack of a scene, more like how they make some expressions less... passionate.

In the manga, Loid here looks nearly desperate, surprised, out of his depth. In the anime, his expression is more neutral, more reserved, like he feels more confused than anything else. And the point of that moment is for him to actually feel out of his depth, until Yor offers a helping hand.

I'd dare say this is one of the worst offenders, if not the worst offender. I understand why the anime team avoided showing Twilight too worried for Nightfall, as they probably feared it would make audiences think that Oh No Twilight Doesn't Love Yor Because He Showed One (1) Iota of Care for Another Woman!! Is Nightfall Gonna Break Them Apart???!... which, let's be honest, is a totally valid fear to have. Endo makes it crystal clear that Nightfall has no hope as a romantic rival, but audiences can be really thick and stupid, especially when it comes to (even potential) love triangles.

Still, that "neutering" of his expression takes away from his characterization. Twilight is a deeply empathetic person, and seeing Nightfall so upset makes him truly worried. He is Nightfall's mentor and whether he has control over it or not, he cares for her feelings. And this can happen platonically, for the love of fuck, romance isn't the only nor the holiest of connections a person can have with someone else. So for the sake of "protecting" the audience's secure feelings for twiyor, they ended up making Twilight look like an ignoramus.

Again, I get it. But I can love twiyor and have my Twilight be empathetic towards people that aren't his wife or daughter, you know?

Another, subtler but still striking change. Look at that worried eyebrow in the manga, we only see half his face yet we clearly see how touched he is by (what he thinks are) Bond's motives. In the anime, this is really dulled down. It's only the barely visible blush that makes him look a little touched.

Overall, I believe the anime does a great job translating Endo's expressions, from the emotional ones to the subtle ones to the ridiculous ones. But if I were to be asked, I'd change those examples (there might be a few others, but these were the first that came to mind) and make them closer to the manga.

There are, however, a few changes in the pacing that hit the spot perfectly right. One example I'm thinking of is from Chapter 35/Episode 24:

In the manga, it's straightforward. Loid sees Yor's reaction to what happened, he's thinks of his mother, and he shares the memory with Yor.

This gif was sped up to fit in the gifset I made, but notice how there's pauses for Twilight to go from one expression to the other. There's even one moment of him looking to his bottom right, and there's a very interesting correlation to lateral eye movement here.

Per this graph, he's remembering a feeling/sensation. The feeling of calmness he felt in his mother's presence.

The anime takes time to show him go from realizing that Yor feels bad, to feeling guilty himself and wanting to placate her worries, to remembering his own feelings about his mother, to wondering if he should share that memory, to deciding to share it.

So I feel the anime team knows very well what they're doing, and they respect the original material enough to make additions that bring the story and characters to a whole new, precious level. But, I don't doubt that they're terribly overworked and underpayed, so sometimes things can slip through. I don't blame them, in any case.

Not directed at the asker, but if you feel like shitting on the anime, this is not an invitation to do so on my post. Make your own and leave me out of it.

(Anime only (or anime first?) fan here, don't spoil me for the manga)

[dr-futbol-blog]

Sanctuary, Pt. 10

McKay and Weir are with Beckett in the lab where he explains to them how very strange it is that Chaya is physically in such perfect health, impossibly so.

But first, look at McKay's face when Beckett mentions cancer:

His mother definitely died of cancer.

McKay is also not happy that, according to Beckett, she's perfect:

Because how do you compete with perfect? How do you compete with perfect when you genuinely believe that you're the most unlovable person in two galaxies? His only hope was demonstrating that she was somehow even worse.

His reaction to the mention of STDs is also curious:

There are two things I know for certain. The mention of sexually transmitted diseases made him think about sex, as is only natural. And there is only one aspect about her sex life that might even remotely interest him. Like, it's good that she doesn't have STDs, all things considered. He wouldn't want the Major catching anything. Also, as someone that had reached his sexual maturity during the 1980s, being reminded of STDs might have given him pause regardless of orientation but especially so if it was during the crisis years that he discovered his interest in guys.

But what ever the reason, it did make him think about them having sex and that thought is painful to him. Why would he care even a little bit unless it was something he wanted for himself? He's not envious that he has found someone, that they could have a connection. He didn't care about Beckett and Perna getting close. It's not general, it's specific to Sheppard.

But as much as he's suppressing that completely normal and heterosexual thought, he's still right on the money about her:

McKay: But she is human? Beckett: Oh, without a doubt. Weir: So how is that possible?

He doubts that she is human. Then Beckett makes a point that is significant toward the resolution of the episode later:

McKay: You make it sound like some sort of a— Beckett: Paradise? Aye, because it is. Weir: And that's a problem because? Beckett: Because human life, quite simply, Dr. Weir, is more fragile than that. I don't care what galaxy we're in. It's unnatural.

Human life is beautiful because it is fragile and transitory. Their shared humanity was what Sheppard had been using to get her to see things their way. But she is not human. She's a whole different species.

It seems like McKay and Weir are starting to get worried for Sheppard. And the music tells the audience they should be worried for him, as well.

If we witnessed Sheppard starting to lead Chaya on at Proculus, she now appears to be leading him on quite expertly. She is basically allowing him to walk her around her old home while using him to learn everything they know about the Ancients and their war with the wraith. He even explicitly makes reference to now (unlike previously) being truthful with her: "I'd be lying if I said we controlled it all".

From the look on her face as he gets Sheppard talking about the shield, she was there during the siege. There are painful things in her past, as well. In this, too, they are alike.

Something odd happens when they enter the control room. First, Sheppard tells her to call him John. Tells her he would prefer it. Not please, call me John. I would be happy if you called me John. He says "I would prefer it" as though he's saying that he would prefer that she not call him Major. Like he insists but not in the usual coquettish way.

I discussed the reasons why McKay calls Sheppard Major and continues doing it for a very long time in connection with The Defiant One (S01E12) but I will make a note of it here that twice, when Sheppard has told people to call him John, he has ended up kissing them (cf. Conversion, S02E08). And that in the first episode in which McKay finally calls him John, it follows from Sheppard himself referring to making out as a way to stop McKay from talking. So I'm just saying. There's a pattern.

But it's not altogether certain that this is what Sheppard actually wants here, her calling him John. That he's actually inviting her for closer acquaintance by the gesture. Because it's followed by this exchange:

Chaya: John… how did you make enemies of the Wraith? Sheppard: That was my fault. Chaya: Yours? Sheppard: I basically woke them up trying to rescue some people they'd captured. They didn't take too kindly to that.

He looks real fucking odd when he's telling her all this. We saw previously that he let Teyla do the explanation related to the wraith while he seemed all kinds of uneasy back on Proculus. This is a thing that is not easy for him. He is carrying such guilt for letting this happen, putting "untold thousands, maybe millions" of people's lives in danger, that it's crushing him at the best of times. And here, he's discussing it breezily, like it's no big deal. He makes odd faces like he can't believe this shit is actually coming out of his mouth, especially in this nonchalant tone.

So, placing a hand over the heart can signify sincerity, to be sure. But he's not being sincere here, he's basically being mind-controlled. Having the hand over his heart can also be a way of subconsciously protecting it from her. It's possible that he tells her to call him John because he doesn't want her calling him Major.

Not because it's so formal and keeps them at a distance. But because she is invading his privacy, his innermost thoughts and beliefs, in a way that leaves him exposed and there are things he doesn't want to share with her. Things that he has only started to want to share with someone else that isn't her. He would rather she call him something else. In addition to being a common designation for a trick for the turning, John is actually also the most impersonal of all of the things you can call him. Because it's not him telling her these things. He would never.

The one time we see him turn his body toward her while walking, which he frequently does with McKay, he covers his heart. He sets up a barrier between them. Even here, as they come to a stop, his head indicates that he would rather not be facing her.

She continues prodding:

Chaya: But you saved your people? Sheppard: Most of them.

Again, he says this casually. Like it's not a big deal. The thing that he tells Col. Everett not a night goes by that he doesn't think about it, he just brushes over it. This is not John Sheppard. This is not Sheppard acting casual, not Sheppard pretending everything is fine, not Sheppard putting on a charming persona to game someone. He's clearly not driving this baby. He's not in control.

It's not that he trusts her so much for no reason. It's not because they have some special connection that makes him want to open himself up for her. The faces he keeps making after each one of these comments tells us that he does not want to be saying these things. Even he doesn't know why he's saying these things.

Orlin told Carter that reading someone's mind was an invasion of privacy. This is technically not that. But she's far from innocent. Maybe the Others imprisoned her for a reason. We're asked to sympathize with her due to her loneliness but she is a convict, a prisoner on her planet. Perhaps she was jailed for a reason.

Sheppard leads her through the control room, showing her each and every one of their systems. Note that he doesn't introduce them by saying something like "And these are..." or "And here you can see..." He just lists them out for her.

Sheppard: Main control console, environmental support systems, communications. And this…this is… Grodin: Sorry, Major. We haven't the faintest idea what it—

We are again shown that McKay was right. Earlier on, they had this exchange:

McKay: Maybe I should tag along, in case you have any questions—Sheppard: I think I've got it handled, Rodney. McKay: There are a lot of systems you know absolutely— Sheppard: Got it covered.

He predicted that Sheppard would come across systems he knows nothing about and there would be questions related to them. But the thing is, Sheppard had never intended for this to happen. He dismissed McKay because he was never going to show her any systems, let alone their most central, essential systems. He is the head of security of this operation, he is not stupid but a brilliant tactician and a strategic thinker. She's not the chief inspector of Atlantis, he has no reason to want to show her these things.

She initializes a new piece of Ancient technology only recently discovered. She plays innocent but clearly does it on purpose. But at the same time, we are shown again that her touch has a tangible effect on things. Her touch basically has magical qualities. Her touch made the machine come alive, made it brighter. Her effect on people is something similar.

Grodin sure seems to clock something about their interaction as odd:

Sheppard seems excited about the possibility that she too possesses the ATA gene, and this seems like the first genuine reaction from him ever since she touched him. He had been emphasizing their similarity in an attempt to use her sympathy to get their help, so he may have seen this is as something that might work in their favour.

He seems entirely himself as he tells her: "The Atlantians were good at lots of things, but writing instruction manuals wasn't one of them." He seems happy, he almost smiles, glancing at Grodin fiddling with the machine twice as he does. One might venture a guess that he has watched someone figure out how Ancient technology works up real close more than a little, and might even be quoting said person verbatim here (as a matter of fact, his exact words in Hide and Seek (S01E03) were "Oh, yeah, there were some explicit instructions, which I chose to completely ignore"). He's mostly looking at Grodin while he's telling her this so we can assume that he's thinking about something or someone else. His mind is not on her while he talks about the instruction manuals.

But this is a short respite. The weirdness continues:

Sheppard: We should probably wrap this tour up. I know Dr. Weir is anxious to talk to you. Chaya: Will I see you afterwards? Sheppard: And during!

He almost stutters when he tells her that Dr. Weir is anxious to talk to her. Clearly, she's not the only one that's anxious. But why would he be anxious about that?

Is he expecting Weir to notice that something is wrong? Hoping that she would? Trying to protect someone that might be there?

Whether or not he (or McKay) was supposed to be at this meeting of Weir with Chaya, whether he had been invited or not, Sheppard is making sure that he is going to be there. Again, this might be her influence--she does not want him to leave her alone, so he's forced to tag along. Or, again, he could be inserting himself into the meeting in order to protect the others, whether consciously or subconsciously. But it certainly doesn't seem like he's going to the meeting with her because he wants to be with her so much.

He is clearly starting to internally freak out about what ever this is that's going on. His face here, at the very end:

He gives her another one of his fake smiles. And then, where she doesn't see, he draws in a breath through his teeth. Compare his expression with McKay's at the beginning of this entry, where he's thinking about cancer.

John Sheppard is not alright.

Continued in Pt. 11

[alatismeni-theitsa]

Aunty,

I recently came across a book called Wrath Goddess Sing and while I have nothing against the original premise (showing Achilles as a trans woman) despite how that would not really have worked in those times, it's actually so weird how the author decided to magically turn Achilles into a "real woman" whose beliefs around womanhood center on the ability to give birth and be a mother, which is just insane if you consider that the author is also trans (by making Achilles a bio woman, she's literally erasing what the premise was about and then claiming that it happened either because the Gods knew she wanted it *so much* or because she wanted it "enough" to make it happen which invalidates all other trans folks in the story because they suddenly don't want it "enough"). Apart from that, there are constant homophobic, transphobic and incredibly racist remarks throuought the book which is why it's so weird to see it praised by so many.

Also, the author used the term "kallai" to refer to trans people in Skyros and now some fans of hers are using it to speak of themselves, despite it being plural and despite it not making sense in the way they're using it. F.e. "I'm a kallai/good morning Kallai", which is just peak US centrism (and like the author literally claimed that the female version of "Achilles" was "Achileas" - why don't they do research?).

What I often explain to foreigners when they throw tantrums about people (often Greeks 😄) telling them something is wrong, is that we are not unreasonable. I think most Greeks would just go "hm!" at the thought of someone exploring the thought of a trans Achilles, and we would all realize the problem with this book would actually be the historical/language/societal inaccuracies. Like the cringe I feel when I read the "I'm a kallai/good morning Kallai".

As far the female version of the Achilleas go, we know this to be Achillea ("Αχίλλεια" ), not Achilleas. The author perhaps found a woman named Achilleas ("Αχιλλειάς" / "Αχιλλειάδα"; ) somewhere? But I haven't read or seen that name in any Greek text. Grammatically it also feels "off" to me, (having been exposed to enough ancient Greek grammar) but if someone has found it, pls tell us.

For the lack of research... I don't care how progressive you say are. If you are not doing any research on the culture and language of the people you're writing and you're still making a profit, and no one in the industry cares to check you, that's a form of privilege and you're engaging in harmful - and very much not progressive - behaviors.

And because I had a few discussions with other Greeks and non-Greeks on this let me share something here.

A reaction from Greeks and other people would also be "but Achilles was not trans...?" and yes, that's a normal reaction and it's not linked to American conservatism, sorry to burst the US neoliberal bubble.

While the author has the right to write what she wants, it's still a fact that we don't have any evidence of Achilles being anything but cis. If anything he was the most macho male man out there according to Greek standards and very much happy with his predicament. And when this figure is popular and, well, your ethnic hero, you just want to ask about that. Not in a "I don't want this book to exist" way but you want to ask why did it have to be Achilles, and why a historically cis person.

I'm not saying all this to imply that the author shouldn't write this. Anyone can write whatever they want, and I don't think exploring this scenario is harmful to anyone. But it's fair to assume the author went "I want a trans Achilles no matter what!" And because the ends clearly justified the means here, the character of Achilles and all the themes of the initial story were thrown out the window - which is also not the best thing to do when writing well-known figures and stories from other cultures.

Sure, the premise of "what if Achilles liked being a woman?" is an interesting idea and, if written well, I would read it. However when a writer does all the above it's clear to most people that they just make a far-fetched play-pretend out of myths that cannot be changed - bc they are already written and we preserve them for the last 2.000 years.

Then, you have the... odd (for lack of a better word) tropes. For this specific trans writer the tropes worked and good for her. At the same time I can see why other trans women might have an issue with the transformation into a "real woman". From what I hear, there are trans women who'd like this transformation and others who don't find it validating. And ofc there's always the issue of why Achilles got her wish and what the other trans women did "wrong" to not get it.

With all the paragraphs above I also want to raise an extra issue. Why take a completely cis person and make them trans, instead of writing the story of a historically trans person or creating a new trans character? (if history doesn't have any) Relying on an established cis figure for trans representation can be a bit icky.

"Apart from that, there are constant homophobic, transphobic and incredibly racist remarks throuought the book which is why it's so weird to see it praised by so many." That's also unfortunate 😩 I won't read the book but if you have passages and stuff to demonstrate this point, let me know

[primeministerofantarctica]

A3! reading club: act one (chapter 1-6)

(cw: talking about parental neglect and abuse, orientalism, one mention of suicide)

Hey, ten out of twelve isn't bad, all things considered! This very well could have gone down in October. Also, since it's February (March if you wanna be generous), does that mean everyone in Harugumi's slightly younger than their Year One ages now? Ack, timelines are confusing.

Izumi casually talking about how Yukio neglected her and following it up with "well, it was probably because he loved this theater so much!" is. Oh, girl. No wonder she snapped when Sakyo suggested he'd abandoned Mankai, because if he hadn't loved it, then why did she have to go through with that?

I'm not versed enough in Japanese particles but I recognize "daijoubu" and Tsuzuru watching this trainwreck unfold and saying something along the lines of "are you guys, like, okay?" is extremely funny.

Then we get to Sakuya and Masumi's family situations, which. From a meta perspective, it makes sense to want to give your minor protagonists the freedom that having parents limits. That's why the trope of "young protagonist in kid's spec fic media is conveniently an orphan" is so common. (was? I think it's becoming less common now.) The problem lies in the lack of willingness to follow through with the emotional conflict it creates, or resolve said conflict in a satisfying manner. Sure, I'm assuming they weren't starved or physically abused, but being treated like a burden when you're a child is still fucking traumatizing! Basically I think Izumi Sakuya and Masumi should start a union. And I'm glad later chapters go the reasonably more toned-down route of "my parents have a reasonable amount of trust in me to make these kinds of decisions".

Also, can we talk about Sakuya and Masumi, because they're one of my favorite brotps here. The way Sakuya appoints himself as Masumi's surrogate big brother? He's so eager to potentially share a room with him ;-;. (personally I hc that Ms. Sakuma was expecting another child before the accident or whatever killed them, so Sakuya's been a big brother without a younger sibling all this time </3)

Wow, that doesn't sound like a metaphor for anything! You're right, Izumi, why would you go the easy route of taking something prepackaged and guaranteed when a bunch of wildly different spices can create a delicious meal if you know how to utilize them right?

Am I grasping at straws here. Probably.

The little ka-ching sound effect is adorable.

Tsuzuru, I'd think "antagonist" should be near the top of the list...also, there's plenty of plays that have been pulled off with two or three actors. Just put on "night, Mother" or something. (Joking. Don't look up night, Mother if you're sensitive to themes of suicide.)

"Tsuzuru, you picked this troupe because it had a dorm, right? ...Then maybe our best bet is to focus on more people in your shoes."

"People in my shoes? In other words...."

"The homeless?"

I CAN'T ASJHGSKSDSK

he's literally doing the 😔 face i'm on the floor.

HE'S HERE! Funny how Izumi's right about Citron not being a regular tourist right off the bat. He may not be from another troupe, but he's definitely "in character" right now.

Also, oof. Citron's my second fave in Harugumi after Sakuya, but it's glaringly obvious how much of his character is rooted in orientalism. Sure, maybe it's an act, but why is he talking about how "shameful" showing skin is when his top is (conveniently for us) THAT low-cut.

On another note, I know people have pointed out his distaste for pig's feet as evidence for headcanoning him as Muslim, but I haven't seen anyone point out how he calls Veludo Way a "mecca" of theatre. Like yeah, mecca can just mean hub, but...why didn't they just say hub? Words Have Connotations. I'm not saying this coding is good or bad, it's just a neutral observation.

AND HERE'S THIS BASTARD (affectionate)

Oh, Kasumi! (insert pointing reaction pic bc I've run out of photo space.) It's Kasumi, guys! :D

[ninehouses-if]

Hi! I loved you demo, the story sound very interesting! If you don't mind, I have a few a lot questions:

1 So the dad rules the sixth house or supervises all of them?

2 Now that the brother became the scion he is the one to "rule" the sixth house right?

3 The fact that dad chose the brother instead of MC wouldn't create a diplomatic issue with S's family (since he engaged their middle child to their oldest one on the premise that MC would become heir)? Especially since he publically reconized MC work and accomplishments, and then chose the older brother, giving the idea that this was all planned.

4 Since MC can help, "sabotage", or plainly washing their hands off, of their brother scion-situation does it means that the scion position can be "regained" by MC?

5 Would that be possible in a "legal" way and not as a "coup"?

6 Will we know more about the reasons of dad's decision? I get he is the one to make the decisions, but the way he did, was really shitty.

7 Did he espected MC to go along with it without complain? Did he contemplate that he could have destroyed his own family, and create a succession war, with his decision? A part from the political implications he sure isn't winning as father of the year. At least he could have told MC and brother about it, unless he didn't trust MC, and he wanted to put MC into a corner making them powerless, so to not undermine the brother-scion position.

8 I suppose it's spoiler-y but I'll try anyway 🤣 did he consider the possible advantage he was giving to the collateral family into challenging the line of succession?

9 Will we learn more about brother curse?

10 MC's mom is a character that we will see? All the sibling have the same mother?

11 if it's not a spoiler can you tell us a bit about the little sistes and the stepmom?

12 Does the brother know how/is able, to do the scion's duty that MC performed until now?

13 Now MC will have to take up the duties performed until now from the brother (or other duties, even only be married off, to another influential family), or they can say fu*k dad, I'm going to be a princex and do nothing but laze around (do what they want unreleated to the royal duties like the younger sister)? 🤣

14 does the dad expect that S now will marry the brother? Wouldn't the fact that MC and S liked/loved each other (I know it's not the case at the moment, but dad dosen't know that) matter to dad, or better it's irrelevant respect of the allyency between S's family and the Scion, so between S and brother?Do S's family expect the same?

15 do the people know about brother's curse? If not, would that be dangerous if made public?

Sorry for the many questions, a lot I'm sure are a spoiler at least partially, but your story got me so hooked that I couldn't resist asking! Feel free to ignore everything you don't feel like answering, I will be happy with anything you want to share! ❤️

I’m so glad you are hooked! There is no need to apologize for asking many questions. I loved getting them. ❤️ I will answer what I consider not to be spoiler-y

1. The dad rules only the Sixth House. Each house has its own ruler who reports to the Royal House.

2. Yes, the person who is given the scion title will eventually rule the Sixth House.

3. S's family reactions are Spoiler-y. This will be discussed further in the upcoming chapters.

4. As MC mentioned when talking to Milan after the fact they are still in the line of succession. They weren’t kicked out so theoretically they could try to "regain" the Scion title.

5. Yes, the "regaining" could be done legally. It wouldn’t be an option you can take. The story will focus on how you handle/react when life goes in a way you never expected. You can’t go back to the way things were.

6. Yes, the reason why the dad did what he did will be coming up in Chapter One.

7. Everyone agrees that what the dad did is shitty, or at the very least the way he did it was. All members of any of the House Families are expected to present a united front. Behind closed doors might be a different story but to the public everything must be seen as going just right. “Saving Face” is a big thing. For those reasons, Dad expected MC, and the rest of his family, to go along with it.

8. I’m not sure what collateral family you mean? Milan’s family? If so, no. MC’s brother is a perfectly acceptable Scion. It’s a dick move, but not enough to have the Milans challenge anything.

9. Yes, you will learn more about the brother’s curse.

10. MC’s mom is dead. MC and Elder Brother are her children. Little Sister is the child of the stepmother.

11. It’s not really spoiler-y, but you will learn more about Little Sister and Stepmother in the upcoming chapter. I will make an info post them.

12. Elder Brother knows the basics, but Dad is still around to show him the detailed ropes. You can help if that is what you want.

13. Elder Brother didn’t have many set duties. He kind of just did his own thing. Even if he had duties no one will side-eye MC too hard if they say F*ck It!  *Que Crazy Rich Asians Montage*

14. The situation with S and the engagement is Spoiler-y. It will come up.

15. Elder Brother's curse is Spoiler-y. It will come up.

Thanks for being so invested. It makes me happy to know people are enjoying the story. ❤️

[swashbucklcr]

How are Finns relationship with the other Origins? Any thoughts to share? Bonus if you add thoughts of Originals you follow (Please don't add Ceres in there I really just see what kind of person he is; how he interacts with other Originals and how he thinks of others! + Spread some love)

@astralrogue

Oh I love this question Lumi!! This has taken me quite a think so this is what I have so far, as Finn is still a character in development!

I went on a rant... it's very long sorry.

Gale

When Finn first meets Gale, his immediate reaction is to roll his eyes. To him, wizards are weak, easily distracted, feeble beings, good only for looting. It probably doesn't help that during their first meeting, Osian, who is losing his mind over the wizard of Waterdeep, is by his side.

In fact, Finn doesn't trust Gale at all; he considers him a fraud. Why does a great wizard with his own pompous title get himself stuck in a portal? Not so great, eh? He even draws a weapon on Gale and has to be talked down by him and Osian. Thankfully, their shared desire to avoid ceremorphosis makes this relatively easy.

Yet, as they travel together, while Finn finds Gale's constant chatter grating, he appreciates the wizard's kindness and his lack of shame in being himself around others. Finn respects that about him above all else. When Gale admits to his condition with the orb, Finn is hesitant to help, thinking it's just another wizard lusting for power. But when he sees Gale crippled with pain, he pilfers a ring with a low-level spell to help. Seeing Gale's gratitude and how the magic actually helps him, Finn decides that since Gale is part of the crew, it's only right to ensure he is at his healthiest—for his and everyone else's sake. They need to be a well-oiled team to survive.

Karlach

It was platonic love at first sight. He saw Karlach on the bank of the stream and nearly shoved Wyll into the river for daring to harm her. He instantly saw a wounded warrior, not a devil. Her ability to cut straight to the point, lack of bullshit, and thirst to kill some devils made Finn adore her instantly. Without hesitation, he asks if she wishes to join their chaotic group and is happy to kill a few devils with her (after picking their pockets of loot).

He loves spending evenings with her by the fire or by either of their tents, cracking jokes and making crude remarks to make each other laugh. She's been a mate to him ever since.

Astarion

Finn's background is also as a rogue, but he took the pirate route. He leans into the fighting and sneaking aspects more than anything else. Because of this, he sees Astarion as a bit weak and isn't a fan of his sly words. He prefers bluntness but respects Astarion's skills as a thief, quietly observing the other to learn new lockpicking tricks.

As for the vampire aspect, he doesn't care a lick, as long as Astarion doesn't hurt anyone in the camp. If he catches him manipulating anyone in their team for a bite, he will punch him—be warned, Astarion.

As he learns more about Astarion's past from the snippets given to him, he is more than happy to help Astarion drive a stake into Cazador. Finn may be a pirate, but he has always drawn a line at slavery, likely influenced by his mother's upbringing in Waterdeep.

Halsin

Halsin reminds Finn of a mentor he had back on the Dúncannon, Jon. Jon was a half-wood elf chef who was certainly quite large for an elf too. Jon was patient and kind to Finn, giving him an outlet on tough days while he developed through his teens on a pirate ship. From that association alone, he's quite fond of Halsin but can certainly note all the differences between the pair.

He freed Halsin, not knowing it was him as a bear, just to create some chaos that he could take advantage of and pick off goblins from above.

Sometimes he seeks Halsin for counsel, even if he doesn't always agree with the archdruid's advice. He still appreciates the calm and gentle approach from him every single time, no matter how gruff Finn may be in his approach.

When Finn discovers Halsin's love of whittling, he steals tools for Halsin and leaves them outside his tent without a word. Having no idea how to whittle himself, he might not always grab the right tools.

Shadowheart

It takes Finn a while to properly warm up to Shadowheart. Her closed nature and prickly demeanor remind him of a few of his old shipmates. Since they're both initially closed people using their gruff and sharp attitudes to hide any vulnerabilities, it's hard for him to initially connect.

As for the Sharran aspect, he couldn't care less. He worships an evil goddess, Umberlee, so he knows he is in no position to judge.

He'll support her to an extent, but if she makes any remarks or decisions that will negatively impact the group, he will step in and give her a verbal shakedown. He does enjoy the odd bottle of wine and listening to gossip with her, although he refuses to partake in speaking any of the gossip himself.

Lae'zel

He's highly impressed with her, although he finds her devotion to Vlaakith a bit ridiculous. From the get-go, he believes she's strong enough to not need the grace of a rather demanding goddess. He finds Githyanki culture similarly ruthless to his pirate life, and as he starts to find himself over time, he's genuinely glad to see her do the same.

Knowing his sword skills need polishing, he'd gladly practice sparring with her to improve the fighter aspect of his class, even if she often kicks his ass.

Wyll

Finn isn't a fan of Wyll initially. He views Wyll as one of the do-gooders that he would have fought on occasion out at sea. Someone who believed they could rein in the budding pirate empire and stop the raids with just their sword and powers. He sees Wyll as he saw many of the other lads he and his crewmates cut down over the years.

Yet, Finn is aware of his situation enough to have Wyll around (more so at Osian's request). His distaste for Wyll only grew when he saw the warlock try to attack Karlach, seeing the man as a self-righteous prick. However, when Wyll admits his mistakes, Finn eases off on his dislike. It takes Finn a long while to grow somewhat fond of Wyll. Their lives were so different, and their views on life never aligned, but with time, he'll accept Wyll as a companion, though maybe not a friend.

Jaheria

One look and Finn knows if he and Jaheria met under different circumstances, he'd be fucked. He thinks she's great; she's pragmatic and, although a hero, doesn't boast about it and provides a healthy dose of realism. He grows fond of her banter in camp chats and is interested in the stories of her past.

Minsc

Minsc is an idiot, and Finn loves to mess with him. He is glad that the ranger, who is a wall of muscle, is on their side.

Minthara

It would take some convincing for Finn to just knock out Minthara rather than kill her, but seeing her in Moonrise Towers, he's glad for that decision. Finn has done some terrible things in his life, but generally, they were his own choices. To be forced to do such things against one's will is terrible, and he would certainly work to free her from the tadpole too.

He may not love her company, but he's glad for her spirit to fight. They both share a hatred for their situation, which is enough for him.

[mbti-notes]

hi mbti, entj with an exfj mother. whenever we get into arguments, she responds by yelling at me and blaming me and admittedly i respond by yelling back at her. she has been like this for the entirety of my life and when i try to communicate with her calmly after an argument she just ignores me. i want to have a better grasp on how to control my reactions during arguments as it takes a lot out of me to try and reason with her or even get an insight into other solutions i haven't considered. thank you

Why are you interested in personality type? Many people are merely in it for ego validation. Some people are looking to improve their relationships with different types. IMO, if you want to get something truly valuable out of type theory, you have to enter into the learning process with a clear intention to develop a deeper understanding of humans, to gain the kind of wisdom that helps you become more empathetic and compassionate toward yourself and others. In other words, do you genuinely want to understand your relationship with your mom and connect with her better, or do you just want a quick-fix to end the conflict and get her off your back?

When you seek to resolve a conflict for mostly egotistical reasons, you won't get very far, because it's easy for the other person to detect that you care more about your own comfort than their well-being. To resolve a conflict properly, you must approach it primarily from a place of care and love. If you aren't able to do that, you're signalling to the other person that you're not relationship-ready, so they won't have much motivation to meet you halfway, hence, the reluctance to engage with you. Why waste energy on a discussion that will go nowhere? Why waste energy trying to explain something when the other person doesn't seem to have the desire/capacity to understand? I'm not accusing you of anything or judging who's right or wrong. I'm simply making sure that you are aware of your intentions because they matter a great deal in conflict resolution.

It is indeed important to keep yourself in check when things get too heated, but that's really only the first of many steps. At most, it keeps communication going, but it doesn't constitute a full-fledged solution to the conflict. You haven't described or provided any representative examples of the sorts of things you argue about, which makes it very difficult for me to know what exactly lies at the root of the conflict. And perhaps that is the problem: You're not grasping what lies at the root of the conflict, so your ideas about how to solve it keep dancing around the problem at best. Dancing around means you have no clear direction or no clue about what the finishing move should be. What is your long term vision for this relationship?

In terms of ENTJ development, dancing around is likely related to underdeveloped Ni: your way of thinking is too short-sighted and superficial, so you're unable to grasp what's really happening beneath appearances, let alone set a long term vision to strive for. In the context of relationships, the superficiality of underdeveloped Ni is also linked to underdeveloped Fi: you are unable to recognize and address the underlying feelings and emotional needs in play, so you end up band-aiding the conflict only to have it recur in the future.

Every personality type has its fair share of challenges, difficulties, and weaknesses. If you don't understand what they are in your own type, you won't make much progress in personal growth. If you don't understand what they are in someone else's type, you won't be able to "speak their language" or frame ideas in a way that makes sense to them. Recurring relationship problems usually require a two-pronged solution of personal growth as well as growing your understanding of others. Developing Ni+Fi should help you with both.

The most obvious difference between you and your mother is T and F. By definition, feelings and emotions matter a lot to Fs and how they make decisions. Healthy Fe doms don't anger easily because they: don't like the stress of extreme emotions; are usually willing to give people the benefit of the doubt; prefer to see the good in people; hope for kinder ways of resolving conflicts. There are really only a few things that anger Fe doms, mostly involving:

lack of care shown to the things that are very important to them

ignoring/dismissing people's needs and feelings

taking them and their thoughtfulness for granted

violation of their personal rules/boundaries

antisocial/immoral behavior that causes harm or suffering

Have you done any of the above? If so, have you admitted the mistake, provided a humble and honest explanation for it, sincerely apologized, and made a promise to do better? That is often all it takes to get back in the good graces of FJs, but you'd be surprised at how often people simply can't or won't take the first step toward reconciliation.

It takes two to tango. When the lines of communication have broken down, it's sometimes necessary to step up and be the bigger person and apologize first, in order to encourage the other person to respond in kind. It's not about who is at fault or who is to blame or who started it (i.e. pettiness). It's really about acknowledging that feelings have been hurt and needs have been neglected, and then making a gesture toward repair. In essence, it's about ending all aggression and, instead, opening up opportunities to show love.

To be clear, this is not about rolling over, placating, or appeasing. You also need to address why you feel in conflict, why you feel upset. You wouldn't be getting into arguments without feeling strongly about something or other. Oftentimes, ENTJs are unable to speak about feelings and emotions directly because they fear being vulnerable and/or simply don't have that level of self-awareness. But vulnerability is precisely the gesture that is needed for the other person to feel more confident about reconciliation.

Vulnerability shows that you are finally ready and willing to get real, to discuss the very heart of the matter. Speaking honestly and authentically about feelings is quite difficult for most people, usually due to ego reasons, but it is necessary for building more meaningful and fulfilling relationships. Until two people can feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with each other - to approach with zero intention to judge, shame, blame, accuse, or attack - they won't be able to resolve relationship problems once and for all.

Of course, one big reason people fear vulnerability is because it leaves them open to being manipulated, exploited, or attacked. You can't control other people, so trusting them always carries some risk. Give people a few chances to return your vulnerability in graduated steps, but if they can't reciprocate or they use it against you, it means they are not relationship-ready. At that point, feel proud that you were brave and put out your best effort, but acknowledge that the relationship has hit a hard ceiling for reasons beyond your control.

If you have a tendency to nitpick or debate the details of who's right and who's wrong in an argument, you're basically trying to establish dominance and doing the opposite of being vulnerable. And chances are, you're ignoring what matters most, which is healing the injury that was caused by the conflict. It could be injury to a person or to the relationship as a whole. In the midst of heated conflict, it's easy for feelings to get trampled, boundaries to get violated, trust to get betrayed, and painful memories to get dredged up. One reason people avoid conflict is because it's difficult to get past the injuries.

When someone's leg is injured, you don't tell them to get over it and keep walking only to make it worse, rather, you get them off their feet, reduce their pain, and then gently repair what was fractured or broken. Feelings and emotions are real. Emotional pain often registers in similar brain areas as physical pain. It requires time, sensitivity, the right kind of comforting, and a focus on fulfilling unmet needs to heal emotional pain. When you don't allow time and opportunity to heal emotional injury, you're basically leaving people to writhe in pain alone, so don't be surprised when they have zero mental capacity for anything else. Have you ever tried to reason through a difficult problem while experiencing intense pain?

One of the great things and also one of the most difficult things about being F dominant is that feelings and emotions always loom larger than other types. Are you able to understand and accept this reality about them? Fe doms deeply value loving relationships and are thus easily pained by unloving behavior. Fe doms generally find it difficult to bring up their own negative feelings/emotions because they don't want to cause a disturbance or be a burden. As a result, they might get into the habit of suppressing how they really feel, which might lead them to also develop a habit of exploding any time they are unable to suppress any longer. And once feelings get too big, they'll find it difficult to articulate what's really happening inside, due to inferior Ti.

The remedy is to provide them with a safe, nonjudgmental, and compassionate space to speak freely at all times. But this means you have to be prepared to hear things that you don't want to hear and/or things that don't make sense to you (and require tactful clarification). To get better at girding yourself, you have to deploy Ni+Fi to step back and see the bigger picture (i.e. don't take it personally), and to look beyond the surface content of their words and understand what they really mean, with regard to:

what exactly is causing them to feel bad

what you've contributed to their negative feelings

what it is they really need or which of their needs remain unmet

what rules/boundaries were violated and require repair

what unloving/immoral behavior needs to be stopped

what unfair/unjust situation needs to be righted

Once you grasp the underlying problem, you'll have a much better chance of negotiating the right solution. A simple but effective way to improve your conflict resolution skills is to be more curious and listen more, to ensure that you are in touch with the reality of the situation, rather than operating on faulty assumptions. Family relationships are often the most challenging relationships, but learning how to navigate them effectively can set you up with the skills you need to navigate all relationships effectively throughout life.

I have already written a lot about function development, emotional intelligence, and communication skills. I've also recommended books on the resources page. There's no shortage of information. What remains unclear is how motivated you are to improve your people skills and what end goals you have for this relationship.

[furiousgoldfish]

Hi, general TW for physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse, sexual abuse, mental health topics (just to be safe). Apologies for the length.

(i sent this twice in case the first one didn't go through, I know sometimes long asks disappear in the system. If you got two please ignore this one, thank you for understanding)

This is.. going to be odd but I'm the person that sent the ask about learning how to be more like a typical human after being semi-feral? you asked a few questions and I can answer them, and maybe get some advice too on it as well. Sorry if this is disjointed, I'm in a bad head space right now but I haven't seen your inbox open in a while so I wanted to answer you while I could.

You asked me about how I survived. And honestly it was mostly because I didn't have an alternative. For physical abuse, I developed a high pain tolerance and don't much have the ability to cry or react to pain. I genuinely don't understand why people describe certain things as being painful, I can handle punches, cuts, etc without reacting.

For starvation my body has stopped reacting to hunger. I haven't felt hunger in many many years, and even then it was a rare occurrence. While it's most likely that I have stunted physical growth because of malnutrition, I can go days without eating without feeling any negative side effects. This is similar with water as well. I can go over a day or two without water and still be okay, actually most of my childhood I drank some water in the morning and then didn't drink anything until 5pm.

As for everything else, I wasn't really allowed to express emotions growing up after my birth parents. While my birth mother would sometimes beat me just to see me cry because she thought it was funny, in the foster home I spent the most time in any reaction from me that wasn't positive or praise was considered problematic. (more about the foster home later)



I'll also add that one of the things that kept me alive, ironically, was the thought of how easy it was to die. The first time I tried killing myself was when I was 5, where I had trained the dog I was living with to lay on a pillow wherever it was put. I'd then lay down and get the dog to lay on that, effectively suffocating me. The dog left after attacking a different kid (who tried killing it) and I was removed after.

My entire childhood I planned my own suicide in all sorts of ways. I've tried stealing and taking pills, I used to keep cups of bleach by my bedside to trick myself into drinking it, I tried laying on streets so cars would crush me, all the way to more elaborate plans I won't share. I don't remember when I started self harming, however I always was sneaky about it because I was always under what was called "arm check" watch. So it stuck mostly to things I could get away with.

I, though I don't know why, have an unnaturally high tolerance to medication, drugs, anaesthetics, and alcohol. I need 3 to 4 times the regular dose of medication for it to impact me, I've never been put under anaesthetics because they've never been legally able to give me a high enough dose to knock me out, and though I've been pressured to drink by adults when I was younger I've never gotten drunk, not even when I was a teen and drank a whole 6 pack.

This has stopped me from overdosing many times, because I've reached the point where I've taken enough medication to actually overdose but didn't. Perhaps this is due to overactive survival instincts, perhaps it's a bizarre quirk. Perhaps my birth parents used to drug me and I gained an early life tolerance. But in summary, only the idea that if I were to die it would be under my own terms was what kept me alive. That and spite, and a fear of abandoning any current foster siblings or pets that I protected from foster siblings that tried killing/maiming them.



To answer you about alters, I'm not entirely sure if I have fully formed alters or not? While my dissociation isn't as bad as it was when I was younger (I'd zone out to the point where I was completely gone for hours. No matter what anyone did I wouldn't react at all) and I eventually learned how to at least move and somewhat speak when it happens.

I do have like a co-host? There's two of me inside my head, and majority of my communication in life has been us talking to each other. However I think it's important to mention that when I was 6 there was a shift? I'm unsure how to word it but this is the closest way I can put it: when I was 6 the original person of the body died and left us two behind.

We had completely different interests, reactions to things, thoughts and dreams and everything. It's to the point that I was moved to another foster home because I was no longer the kid the previous foster parents wanted. And it felt like we had to re-learn how everything worked all over again, because I only knew how to survive.

Every few years that "rebirth" cycle happens again, and the two co-hosts seem to shut off for a bit and then turn back on, but when they turn back on we loose sense of "us" and have to relearn a bunch of things. And not just small things, but big things like school concepts, social rules, what is and isn't acceptable to speak about, how to properly move our body, all of that. Everything feels brighter and more real for a week or two after before it goes back to being dull.

But after that we're still like a new duo living in the head and living in this body. We may have different interests and do differently in school, and I have no clue why it happens. If it is all alters, maybe we're stuck in a perpetual loop of being born, barely surviving, and dying over and over again. It's the only way I can keep track of periods of my life, on which 3 or 4 year period certain iterations of us control the body.

I guess this sort of internal cycle also adds to me not feeling like a real person, because I often loose all the person-ness I've gained and have to read-build my illusion of humanness all over again. What comes naturally to me isn't what a human should be like, and it's unsafe for me to ever be me, at the very least until I can someday find a place safe enough to live.



My main reason for learning how to speak, even though it physically hurts me to do so for any length of time, was so I could learn how to beg people not to kill me. As soon as I sensed adult disappointment I would crouch on the ground and cover my head and beg the adult not to kill me, which got me moved from another foster home after the school called the foster parents too many times asking why I did that.

Eventually I learned that doing that would make people more likely to kill me, so my general perspective of the world my entire life has been "everyone in the world belongs on a ranking system of how much power they have over another person. Teachers and parents have the most, while kids older than you will always have more power. I have less ranking than everyone else around me, so any hurt done to me will always be acceptable. If someone kills me it's well within their ranking to do so." I still struggle to not have this outlook, as I'm used to being treated as more of a pet or novelty than a person.

I don't know if that answers your questions, but that's the best I can do. If there's any more questions you have I can try answering them whenever I find your inbox open again.



Here's the more about foster care, and what I have some questions about. I've mentioned this to someone once, and they said it sounded similar to human trafficking? though I consider it normal.

In the one foster home I stayed at, the one I stayed at the longest, was one where every child that went there had a "ranking". For some extra context: every child there was a legal orphan, all through having birth parents so bad they couldn't stay with them.

The ranking system was based on how "adoptable" the child was. For instance, if you did well in school, didn't have attention put on you, stayed quiet and followed chores and "requests" at the foster home, and basically did what you were told you'd keep a good ranking. This also included not reacting to any trauma you have, not mentioning previous parents (foster or birth), and basically being a child that raised themself. HOWEVER it didn't matter what happened at home, just keeping up appearances and not bothering the foster parents.

While at that foster home over the years I had over 8 foster siblings, though only 5 of them stayed for longer than a few months. When I was 6 the boy already living there tried, and likely succeeded at some point, raping me. The only reason why he was ever caught (he was left home alone with me to babysit, despite him being no where near capable of doing so.) was because a new girl (around 8) had moved in and caught him in the act. She had just come from a place where she'd witnessed rape and freaked out enough that they eventually moved the boy.

Even though she saved me then and at times acted like an older sister, she also was... not happy with her life. She tried killing me multiple times, usually through drowning (both when we were left alone and her telling babysitters that I could swim and putting me in situations where I'd nearly drown). She also tried attack me with a knife a few times, however all the cabinets and drawers in the house were locked so it was rare for her to get anything too sharp.

She also had been planning to murder our foster parents and blame me for it, however someone reported her for trying to get a teacher to have sex with her when she was 13 and got sent away. There was another boy that lived there around my age a few years later that also tried killing me multiple times, usually through strangulation, pushing me onto the road, trying to hang me a few times, attacking me with a knife, and in other ways. He was rather sneaky and had been 2 weeks away from being officially adopted by the foster parents before he tried threatening someone on the school bus.

He had threatened people before and had never actually attacked someone at school, but the bus driver had gotten mad enough that he was suspended. Our foster parents only called him "devil child" and terminated the adoption process and sent him away, despite him doing that and worse to me for years at home.

I had a few other foster siblings similar to that, two other ones that showed sexual interest in me. One simply harassed me while the other raped me nightly for years before eventually being sent away because 3 foster kids at once was "too financially difficult" (even though the foster parents were paid to care for all of us, covering school supplies, clothes, and more. The only clothes I got were the clothes of older foster siblings, sometimes even stuff from previous foster kids I'd never met that was kept in garbage bags in the attic).

There's a lot more I could add, like how in that foster home I was often put to work in their construction business, and how the foster mother was grooming me to have a "special" relationship with her, and more, but first I want to talk about the foster home.



So the ranking system was used not only to basically tell us foster kids whether we'd be able to still stay there/not get abandoned again. It was also used to consider how "considerate" our removal would be. If you had a poor ranking you'd get insulted and lose certain privileges, and if it got bad enough the foster parents would refer to the kid as "devil child" (regardless of age).

A "considerate" removal was where a foster kid would be told they'd be removed a few weeks or months in advance, a bad removal was being kicked out suddenly with all the things you were allowed to keep in garbage bags.

Part of the "considerate" removal (and what the person said sounded like "human trafficking") was the videos we had to make. We would make videos about us doing homework, our likes, us doing chores, stuff like that. A sort of general introduction to the kid, and why anyone watching would want to foster/adopt that kid. These videos would show off all the best qualities of a kid, be burned onto a special CD with the kid's legal name on it, and then played to groups of potential foster/adoptive parents.

The foster parents and the potentials would meet in a room and watch the disk, and whoever was interested would stay behind and ask the foster parents more questions. Whoever was the kid that was staying at the foster home the longest would go and act as a sort of "fact checker" of sorts, because "children are worse at lying".

That, after a few years, ended up being me. I've been in many meetings with groups of adults I don't know and asked about how good my foster siblings were, and sometimes even asked which potential foster parents I liked the most, which would get taken into consideration on which potential foster/adoptive parents my foster sibling(s) would go to.



I'll admit to being selfish and not wanting them to leave, even if they had hurt me. It hurt more having to lie about where I was, but it hurt more seeing adults I mildly recognized come to the door and take my foster siblings away. I always tried to get my foster siblings controlled in some way to avoid them having to be removed, which often made them more mad at me and more likely to lash out, but we'd all been abandoned and I didn't want them to be abandoned again. But perhaps they were luckier, because they got to move out.

Those foster parents of that foster home has a copy of every CD made for all the foster kids, though there's a few that didn't get time to make CDs before they were kicked out. It was all through our local child protective services, but I wasn't allowed any internet presence and few photos of me which means there is a possibility that I was kidnapped (or "misplaced") in the system.

Those foster parents were also... not great. It turns out that the foster mother had had her own biological children removed from her decades ago, and they couldn't have biological children of their own. They wanted a child to replace the one they couldn't have, and were cycling through children until they found one easy enough to control (i remind you children all with birth parents abusive enough that we were all declared legal orphans).

I ended up being controllable enough, though that was also because my social worker abandoned me and I had no outside contacts and a panic-attack inducing fear of adults. Eventually they adopted me and changed my name to one of the foster mother's birth child's names. They forbade me from learning anything about my past OTHER than whatever terrible things my birth parents did.

Unless I was physically working for the foster father (construction business he mostly ignored me. By the time I was 7 I was tiling bathroom floors, and by the time I was 9 I had helped (without ladders or any safety measures) put roofing on roofs). He ignores my physical ailments and always changes the topic whenever I mention anything that isn't "positive" or school, so we lack much of an emotional bond. However he also has never hurt me physically, touched me in any way, or purposefully made me cry. He does ignore everything the foster mother did.



The foster mother had wanted a "special" relationship, and I don't know what else to describe it. Once I knew enough language to speak and make up stories she was telling me about her own trauma and the trauma of her self-help-group/clients. (The foster parents didn't want a disabled kid so I was forced to do home schooling over the summers to "make up" for "my defective brain". They weren't trained and it got ugly many many times because of my brain damage and general inhumanness. Due to the treatment of my birth parents I have brain damage that no one ever checked up on.)

I was raised on stories of rape, abuse, murder, and trauma. The only TV I was ever allowed to watch was construction-work related stuff (so I could better help in the business) or shows with murder. The birth mother would pit the other foster kids against me because I got the "special privilege" of being allowed into the foster mother's office (the only time we ever would see her, other than watching tv._

This "special privilege" included her removing her shirts so I could give her back massages (starting when I was 7), and her telling me about her clients/friends. It also included her sharing her delusions in a religious sort of way, and training me to "be more human".

No matter what i did I could never fully please her, because no matter what I do I will never be a real human. I was never allowed therapy and was the closest thing to therapy I've had was those "Special meetings" with the foster mother. And there the core lessons for me was the following:

No matter what I do, I will ALWAYS be worth less than everyone because I am fundamentally inhuman.

Everyone else is always telling the truth compared to me, because I'm fundamentally incapable of experiencing reality.

Everyone plans out their life before they live it. That means that I planned out every single thing that ever happened in my life. That means I wanted every bad thing that happened, and there was no one to blame but me.

That it's not actually that hard to hide a body, and if I try talking to outsiders I'll learn that first hand (this was partially why the foster mother had me watch so many murder and murder mystery shows. It was a reminder of how she could point out all the mistakes the murderers made, AKA how easy it would be for her to kill me and get away with it).

My life is a mistake, something that should have never happened, and if I talked to other people I'd only spread my curse them to be like me.

Never talk about what happens at home. Or your life.



When I was 17 the foster parents moved me to another place in the country where the nearest towns were over an hours drive away and the nearest town with police was 2+hours away. And where the age of adulthood was older than 18, all so I couldn't legally leave them (they have made far far too many stalking, kidnapping, maiming and more threats because they "love me too much to let me go"). And in general keep me as isolated as they could, a thing they've done since I was placed in their care.

There's so much more I could talk about, but this is already far far too long, so I have a few question I hope you could answer?

First, I'd appreciate any reaction or thoughts you could share, I find it helps give me an outside perspective from someone who doesn't think all this to be normal (and therefore more comfortable than the alternative).

Second, would the CDs and method of foster children getting new foster/adoptive parents be considered similar to human trafficking? I really don't think it is, but that comment the person made has stuck with me, and I wanted to get someone else's opinion (it's... not something I can just go and ask someone)/

Third, is it normal for parents (foster, adoptive or otherwise) to want you to raise yourself? I basically was feeding myself (making meals, packing lunches, etc) since I was 7 and helped my foster siblings do so too. I helped do everyone's laundry since I was 6 (my foster siblings and I were so small that just for one basket all three of us would have to grab on and drag it upstairs lol) and have continued to do mine and the foster parents's laundry since. I never got homework help, never did outside activities that would require the foster parents taking me places, I spent all my time in a forest (sometimes camping in it for weekends until I was old enough to be taken seriously if I complained about living conditions (around 13?). etc

Fourth, is it weird that I was required to do so much construction work? I've helped with the demolition and construction of many houses since I was 7-ish, ranging from taking down walls to plumbing to electrical wiring, creating walls, tiling, carpeting, roofing, making decks, etc etc etc. For a few years my bedroom was also used as a tool storage area, with tons of saws, knives, and tools all over the place. The foster mother was well aware of my suicidal tendencies and she would tell me to do it, put my in situations where I could do it, shame me for being "like that", and only cared if it ruined the foster parents' combined reputation.

Fifth, is it wrong for me to be upset at the idea that the only reason why I've ever been considered a wanted child (or wanted in general) is because how my trauma manifested as internal reactions rather than acting out (aka making me more controllable)? I should be happy that I had so many chances at having a family, even if I never stopped feeling like an orphan, right? (sorry, I've been thinking about this a lot for a while. I can't help but feel mad at the friend I have and school peers in the past because they never had to struggle at just the chance for family. They take it for granted. It's unfair.)



Last, does this fall into continued emotional and/or psychological abuse? Compared to my birth parents and other foster parents they seemed amazing to me, however from reading about other people's families I realize that my foster/adoptive parents sound equal or even worse (NOT to make it a competition, I mean "worse" in the sense that I didn't know those things were considered abusive, NOT that other people "have it easy". pain is pain, and no one likes being hurt.)

For instance, for a few months the foster mother was in the hospital and the foster father went to work and then went to the hospital, only coming home to sleep and make sure there was food for us to eat. I thought they were both at the hospital. We had no baby sitters, even though the oldest kid was 8 and the youngest was 5. Or the time that the foster mother threatened to break down my bedroom door and beat me because I was sick and didn't want to go out somewhere that gave me migraines. Or the many times the foster mother would keep insulting and berating me until I cried, but if I ever said anything I was "defending the fact that all I want to do in life is to suffer". Or how much the have laughed at me for trying to explain to them that I need psychological or physical help (the hardest I've ever seen them laugh is when I told them I was suicidal as a kid. They made jokes about me killing myself and how for months after). Or not being allowed water, or having food withheld, or how the foster mother's delusions have grown to the point that for years I've been denied not just the idea that I'm human, but the idea that I'm a living individual.

According to her I'm an extension of herself without autonomy or personhood, no one but her exists, everyone in the world is an illusion, and far far more. Constantly having to not just listen to multiple hour long rants and having to repeat/speak about how right she because she'd remove my access to water or food or online school (this was during the pandemic, which for me was 3 years straight of being in a new place knowing no one and left with 100% of my interaction being her or the foster father. Those years of psychological mind tricks (I have no clue how to explain it, brainwashing is the closest thing but I don't want to say that in case I'm wrong) definitely not done me good.



(That's also ignoring what happened at other foster homes I've lived at. There was a foster father that was... too "loving" towards young children, another who would lock me in a closet if I was in his eyesight too long, and a foster mother that had gotten frustrated at me for only meowing and hissing as I was had been beaten so many times I was afraid to try learning how to speak so she threw me outside to live with the dog. She'd clean me up and say I was telling stories if I said anything about it through my limited language skills, basically just wanted the money).

Apologies for how long this is, I completely understand if it takes you a long time to answer, or if you choose not to answer at all. Thank you for what you do for everyone, and thank you for taking time to answer everyone's stuff. I hope you have a good day and a good life.

Thank you for answering all of the questions and explaining to me how you survived. I appreciate all of the time you spent explaining it, and everything you said makes sense to me. This is going to be a long response as well, so I'll put it under 'read more'.

The way you survived is something I wouldn't even think possible, your entire body has adapted to the point where all of your senses have turned off, almost permanently, in order for life to still be possible. It is scary to know that this can even happen, and I hope dearly that this doesn't mess up your health (and I want to say, quality of life, but, uh.) I am sorry the lack of nutrition stumped your physical growth.

While your endurance over pain, hunger, and resistance to medicine might seem impressive, it is a sign of how harsh and dangerous your environment was, and how far you had to adapt in order to survive. It's understandable that it's very hard for you to relate to other people, when you're adapted for much different circumstances of life.

It's also incredible you managed to survive at all, and it makes sense you were always look for a way out, it would not have been possible to survive what you did, without hoping that you could end it. It is devastating what you felt compelled to do, but I'm going to try and stay collected to answer this, because I don't feel like you're looking for a display of emotions.

What you describe as co-hosts in your head, that definitely sounds like alters, but I've never heard of a case like yours, where they're shutting off, dying, and then regenerating and re-learning everything, in order to survive. Again, it makes sense with your living circumstances, that it has to be like that, anyone would burn out and shut off in any way possible, and you have to go thru that cylce in order to keep being alive. Still, I'm very sorry that you have to suffer thru this, and struggle to keep any personality you develop. It sounds like your personality forming was shattered into pieces, and it might take a long time to start recovering it, if it's even possible (I'm not smart about this, I really can't say.)

It would make sense that it stops you from feeling like a person though. I doubt there's a lot of people you can relate to, or even talk about this.

I said I would stay collected writing this, but when I read that you learned to speak only to beg people not to kill you, that felt like a physical blow. I had to close my laptop and take a few minutes. That proves unimaginable cruelty and life danger from humans that you had to endure, and your instincts had to over-write everything, even pain, in order to give you a slight chance of survival, and I know that this type of danger erases everything, your personality and sense of self, until there's nothing but pure survival instinct and it takes over.

People who called the foster parents asking why you did that, likely also understood what kind of cruelty trauma this implied.

The ranking system you described, it makes sense. It's not supposed to be like this. In a humane world, we do not have a ranking system, we are, in theory, supposed to all be equal, and none of us is supposed to do harm to another, thats the theory that society's foundations are set on. There are laws protecting it, or at least in theory, there are laws protecting people from the greatest harm. However, what you experienced from society was not like that. A lot of society is not like that. There are people who are intent on building a hierarchy everywhere, and they do feel entitled to do harm to anyone they set on a lower level. It happens in systems of corporations, education, economy, government, family, any system where there are people with authority over other people. And you have experienced the absolute worst of the worst of it. So you had to pick up their rules, the rules of those who need this hierarchy in order to get away with hurting others, who feel entitled to it and constantly need victims. Me and most other people are disgusted by it, and a lot of people want to believe that people in authority would not abuse the authority to cause harm, but by vast majority, they do.

The reason why this hierarchy is so prevalent among children, is that children are always the most vulnerable demographic, being small, defenseless, and in complete power and dependency of others. So they are the ones who get hurt first from the hierarchy system, who are most likely to fall victims – and not only that, but children will mimic whatever behaviour is presented to them, so they will mimic the hierarchy as well, and continue building it among themselves. This also means that the bigger, more aggressive and opportunistic children, will abuse smaller, more scared, more vulnerable, and more sensitive non-violent children. It is not how things are supposed to work, all children are supposed to be protected and safe from abuse. But you have lived the reality of it, and you know how the system works. Anyone who wants to do harm, will pick someone who can't fight back, and who will not be believed, and they can do to this individual whatever they want to, leaving this person with trauma to recover for ages. This isn't right, it's not humane, normal, or compatible with human life, it's an evil hierarchy that not all humans subscribe to. But it is, in the systems that people with power abuse, extremely common. And utterly devastating to live thru, as someone with no power over anyone else.

And I know that the rule 'anyone who kills you is well within their ranking to do so' feels incredibly true (I've felt this in my family as well), but it is not. Nobody's ranking gives them an authority to end your life, or to take it from you. Nothing can grant people the right to do this. What they're doing is getting away with it, when they shouldn't, and they have no right. This is people acting out of their right, out of what is normal, allowed, or humane. I know it doesn't sound real when so, so many people have done this to you, have tried to kill you, and acted like it was the most normal thing imaginable. But all of this was wrong. I'm sorry if what I'm writing right now is painful, I'm not sure how much I can say without making it worse – if something I said feels bad, feel free to disregard it completely.

*

I think the ranking you describe in your foster care is built in an inhumane way. Rewarding children for being extremely convenient, hiding trauma, hiding emotions, obeying and doing work, and punishing them for any actual normal child behaviour, like being openly traumatized, in pain, defiant, acting out, that's not done in child's benefit. Children deserve better than to be suppressed and play pretense in hopes that someone will some day find them worthy of love. It also invites foster parents who only care about 'keeping appearances' and nothing else to benefit from this system. I want to believe there are foster parents who'd want to help a child recover and live a happy life, and not just to have a convenient person who obeys them in the house.

I am so sorry about the amount of sexual violence, murder attempts, and abuse you had suffered in your foster home. I can see you're writing about it as if it's nothing, so I can assume this was very normal and common for you, and not something devastating and life-damaging (you've been thru worse at that point, so it's no surprise that this doesn't come to you as a huge deal). I'm glad you noticed that it is incredibly hypocritical of the foster parents to send that boy away for threatening someone at the bus, when he'd been doing way worse to you for ages – it had only mattered to the parents when someone else was involved, while you were treated as if your experience didn't matter, and he was again, allowed to do anything. This is wrong, and he should have been sent away for hurting you right away.

I can also kind-of, understand that you bonded strongly with your foster siblings, even if they were hurting you or trying to kill you. Your sense of bonding at this point is so strong, because your survival within the community depends on you having someone on your side, at least a little, at least sometimes. And murder attempts are so common for you, it doesn't seem like a deal breaker, what you needed was someone to make life a little more livable, and despite all the harm, your foster siblings still were that for you. So you didn't want them to go away. That is human and normal. We humans will pick abuse and harm over being completely neglected, alone and isolated. I think your reaction was completely understandable.

It is terrifying to find out that foster homes have removals of kids in such brutal and punishing manner. This is cruelty to children, and I didn't know how horrid the reality of it was. I am so sorry that you were forced to live in such a place.  

About the human trafficking claim, the thing is that the ranking system they had for you, and the videos, do sound extremely oppressive and messed up, almost like they were training you to be obedient and then creating a catalogue for potential 'owners' to watch. It doesn't sound like something loving parents would want to do when picking out a kid, they'd want to spend time with the kid, get to know them personally, not hear about 'qualities' and watch a video that proves obedience. Coupled with the fact that after you were adopted, you were forced to work from the age of 7, and construction work as well, makes it sounds extremely like human trafficking to me. I mean, it's not a 100%, because I assume even in these circumstances, it's possible for a kid to get adopted without necessarily being put to work for no wage (which is human trafficking, being put in a position where you're forced to work to survive, often in bad conditions and without money, or benefits, you only get your life), but the situation they set up sounds like it was made specifically to attract traffickers – in this case, people who wanted a child laborer, with a promise that the kid would be extremely well behaved, obedient, and would do any work required of them. While for complete diagnosis of human trafficking, the foster home would have to take money from the parents in order to take the kids – and I don't know if this is the case or not, I'm not knowledgeable about how foster systems work, it's possible that the money exchange is secretly taking place, or that the person who set it up this way did it on purpose, and is financially benefitting from kids being given to those who are most likely to use them for free child labour. So what I think is that it definitely does cause human trafficking. It created the perfect setup for it and it attracts people who can pick out who they want for free labour. If anyone reading this knows more about it, or could give a better analysis of this, please do. It does look like trafficking to me. Not even necessarily because of the CD's, more because of the obedience training and hierarchy, but the CD's sound so cold and alarming and not like something genuine adoptive parents would want to experience.

It's alarming to know that your foster parents changed your name, modifying your entire identity, and forbade you from learning a lot about your past. It sounds like they were set on controlling who you are allowed to be, and who they are in the story (it's probable they were trying to build a story of saving you, from your horrible birth parents, they would surely look good in comparison no matter what they did, given how extremely you were abused in the past.)

The fact that you worked construction, without any safety measures, without protection or any regulations or rewards, proves that this labour was extracted from you in return for your life, which is trafficking. Even your physical illnesses and pains were ignored. This is something that would be brutal even to an adult to endure, and is generally considered a cruel and unsurvivable thing to go thru. I can tell that after your past, a person who doesn't physically hurt you or make you cry is a big improvement and gave you a sense of physical safety, even if you were required to constantly offer labour in return for life, at least it wasn't pain, damage, life threats and murder attempts, so it makes perfect sense that this just felt, a little off! It's extremely common for victims of abuse, to continue going thru life while suffering some lesser amounts of abuse and thinking it was nothing, or it's no big deal, because we're so used to horrid treatment, anything better than the worst seems like a walk in the park, and we're just grateful that things aren't worse for us. So your reaction to it is completely logical. It's only in the context of looking at it from the eyes of a not-abused person, that it looks pretty horrifying, having to work construction as a child, with a person who fails to have any bond with you, while having effectively no caretakers, nobody to emotionally rely on, all while just being grateful things aren't worse.

Your foster mother was parentifying you, meaning she wanted you to take care of her, instead of it being the reverse. It's disturbing that they called your brain 'defective', because it's anything but that, your brain is one of the most brilliant masters of survival, you should be given a lot of credit for going thru all of what you did, and ending up this intelligent, coherent, communicative, clear and understanding. I understand you had to become this way out of necessity and because you had no other choice, but I believe you should still be given credit that you did all that, despite how little you had to work with.

It's also disturbing they only allowed you to watch construction and murder, it's like they wanted your entire world to be reduced to working, and knowing that you can be killed at any minute, it's almost like a threat and a blackmail in order to keep you obedient and working at all times – not that they needed to, you were already in so much terror it was unlikely you would disobey.

The 'special privilege' your mother was claiming to give you was really just parentification, possibly emotional incest (asking massages and expecting you to emotionally cater to her needs). It's very likely that she could be narcissistic. The core lessons she taught you were so dehumanizing and put you in a position where you could only have worth as much as you can be of use to her – which is how narcissist view others. This is not normal or common. You were human the entire time, more human than she was.

You are more than capable of experiencing and effectively describing reality, the way you described it here to me is both eloquent and easy to understand, regardless of how horrifying and dark your reality is. You are good at expressing what happened, and at analyzing it as well. So why would she set rules that would blame you for everything bad that ever happened to you, when you had absolutely no control over it? In order to be able to do more bad things to you, and never be held accountable. She also wanted to keep you silent from ever telling on her (if you talk to others you'll spread the curse) and if you are inconvenient or troublesome we can kill you (it's not hard to hide a body). I feel like you already understand that all of the rules are only self-serving for her, and made so that again, she'd have so much power over you, she could get away with anything.

But in reality, all of those core values are bullshit, and only a cruel, inhumane and evil person could ever impose that on a child (or any other person, really).

I know it can feel devastating that even after all that abuse, you ended up in another threatening, dangerous and exploitative situation, but again, this is pretty common for victims of heavy abuse, that we often find ourselves in some other version of abuse, and usually we go bit by bit until we reach a healthier stage. You can move on from this and find a better environment that will value your humanity in a real way. You were never anything other than human, but you were put in a lot of situations that made it hard for you to feel that, or rather, too painful to feel it. It's easier on the heart to believe you do deserve all this, and that you are to blame, rather than to think that you were a helpless, blameless kid subjected to cruelty for no other reason than someone wanted it, and could get away with it.

To answer your questions:

Even though your life is so dark, I find myself relating to the parts of the story, which scares me, but also gives me hope that you can find a way to freedom, even with a situation this dire. I can tell that you're calm and collected thru it all, which I admire, but it also makes me think you are completely numb and dissociated from the pain you're experiencing, so that you could talk coherently and calmly. However, you're asking for an outside perspective of someone who doesn't think it's all normal – while I don't think it's normal at all, I might not be the best outside perspective, since I'm also viewing it from the lens of abuse. I think true outside perspective would be to be completely and utterly horrified, shocked, devastated and shaken by everything you've been thru, which I do feel as well, but I'm not going to be of much help if I give in to feelings.

The CD's themselves, I don't think are a proof of trafficking, though they are weird, cold, and combined with everything else, do play a part in enabling the trafficking. It is good to ask questions, there are people who know and understand far more about human trafficking, and you should keep asking, and pointing out what feels off to you. You did end up in a situation where two people with absolutely no desire to care for a child, have gotten a child who was sure to obey their orders, work for them for free, take care of one of them emotionally, and endure dehumanizing and threatening environment. This is a form of trafficking – and I should say, trafficking doesn't always feel like you're trafficked. It feels like 'this is just what life is and I should be grateful that it's not worse, because I know worse, I could be dying on the street right now, but if I do this I'll be allowed to live'. And I believe that you are in this situation, and it's not your fault, and there's not much you can do about it immediately.

I don't think its normal for any kind of parents to expect you to raise yourself. That is just severe neglect and parentification (expecting the child to act the role of a parent or a caretaker). You should have had meals and clothes provided to you, you should have had actual care and gentleness and opportunity to talk about what happened to you and what is bothering you. And you should have never been give to people who would mess you up even further, do damage to your brain, threaten you or try to convince you that you're not human. You should have gotten help with homework and everything else. You shouldn't have been put in a situation where you're responsible for the care of very young children when you were 6. You should have been taken places and given happy experiences. You should have been given good living conditions and peace of mind. You should have been told that you're a good child, that you're doing well, and that everyone wants you around and is proud of you.

I'm curious about the forest, because I love the forest, does it feel safe for you to be in the nature? I want to be in the forest forever.

4. And your fourth question about the construction work – no, thats trafficking. Your room should not have been used as a storage either. You were used as a free worker and a servant, and not treated as a child there to be cared for and healed from sever trauma. Also your foster mother pushing you to suicide, thats hateful and gross. It should have never happened.

5. It's not wrong for you to be upset. You were wanted as a free worker because they realized it would be easy to threaten you into obedience, and that you're way too scared of adults to ever disobey, or complain about anything. Your trauma put you in a situation where you would once again, be exploited. It's also normal for you to still feel like an orphan, since none of your parents did any caretaking, or took the role of actually parenting you at any point, they did not build a bond with you, they only kept using you, and you had no idea of knowing that this wasn't normal, or that it was neglect and abuse. It's normal to be mad at other people who take their families for granted, when it's something you sacrificed everything for. It really is not fair.

6. You did well to figure out that your foster parenting experience is not normal, that could not have been easy. Compared to your birth parents, I believe, anyone would seem amazing. Just less violence and less murder threats is amazing compared to constant attempts and constant violence. The only way you could have judged them is by comparison, and your birth parents were off the charts, most cruel and vicious beings imaginable. And I appreciate you pointing out that you're not making a competition out of it, it's true, we're not making a competition, but we can say one type of abuse is more life threatening than the other, and that different abuse brings out different kinds of feelings and consequences, and that some types of sever abuse, make other types seem invisible, harmless, no big deal, or even amazing.

What you describe about your mother saying 'all you want to do in life is suffer' and laughing at you for needing psychological and physical help, even when you're suicidal, is once again, hateful and cruel behaviour, and nobody should have done this to you. Accusing you of 'wanting your suffering' is insane. Laughing at a suicidal kid is inhumane. That is not funny, to normal humans it's devastating.

Your mother treating you as an extension of herself sounds a lot like she's trying to achieve enmeshment and engulfed relationship, like what narcissistic mothers do, because she wants you to be bonded to her, but in a way that you care for her, while she doesn't care for you. This isn't fair, and it's not normal. You are not an extension of anyone, you are yourself, and you have the right to do things that benefit you, and only you, and it does not make you selfish. You also have the right to refuse the things that hurt you, and everyone should respect that. Removing access from food, water or online school, is violation of your human rights, and not a punishment that is normal, or legal to use. I am so sorry you were alone with them and brainwashed for so long. I feel that you are so incredibly intelligent that you will see thru it, and I'm sure you're right to say it. Being isolated with people who see nothing human in you, would brainwash anyone.

Again, I am so sorry for what everyone have put you thru, they had no right. The other events you're describing are also horrifying and sound too painful to bear. You were treated worse than people treat animals, and they could have not do any of this to you, and they would have been just fine. It was their choices to do this.

Thank you for reaching out and for answering my questions, I knew it was selfish of me to ask, but I'm glad you got back to me and responded. I hope my answer helps you a bit, and you can keep talking to me if you want to. I'll try to open my inbox sooner this time.

[streetkid-named-desire]

A loud-mouth broad's guide to being fearless in the face/wake of social ostracization

Or; how I learned to stop worrying and love filtering people out of my life based on if we truly share values or not

Or; the last thing I'm going to say about this whole mess, for real

I am not here to rehash anything or to tell my side.

Unless you are directly involved or have been spoken to about it (and really, you should probably still do this), it will serve you best to make your own judgments based on what you know of an individual's character, what they are saying about the situation, and/or your own experiences with that individual.

Assume everyone involved is lying. Because unless you are directly involved, you truly have no way to garner the actual objective truth, not that there is any objective truth in interpersonal conflicts. You will only ever get multiple interpretations.

I can tell you my own story, I can lay out screenshots and "proof" of why I believe the things I do, why I say the things I do. But that's just one manipulation of the facts. There is no true objectivity in life. Not even in math and science. Life is never black and white, always grey. Only ever grey.

I would recommend against giving into cancel culture. If you care about someone, you would go to them directly and ask what the fuck is their problem with your other friend and why they're being [insert negative adjective describing behavior here].

However, as I am just as flawed as any other human being, I very much usually give more weight to how close I am with someone. Obviously, I am brand new to the fandom, having only joined in November (and what a ruckus I have caused in such a short time!). Why even try to compete?

No, I have moved on. I dealt with my feelings by making a digital collage and moving on with my life.

The question I want to actually answer is:

Under the cut. Because really, who actually gives a shit about lil ol' me beyond the people I already know care? Well, besides the people in whose minds I apparently live rent-free.

How do you deal with it all?

Friday was quite the day, wasn't it? I had my day job to do, which distracted me. It was odd, though, I still had the physiological anxiety reaction. Likely more the fault of mixing Concerta with caffeine. But I was asked how I was doing, had people check up on me, say they hoped I was dealing well. Meanwhile, I saw maybe three posts generically complaining about drama on my own dash. I was clearly having a totally different experience of my own drama than everyone else. Which is very funny.

I think if this had happened 5 years ago, I'd be in a much different place. But, I had just turned 34 the week before.

Obligatory answer: I have been treating my mental health in some way since I was 7 years old.

The interesting answer:

How I deal with all of life's bullshit

Step 1: Mother's wisdom

I was not diagnosed autistic until I was 28. When I was in middle school, people were awful to me. I don't actually really remember it as bullying, though. I do, however, remember some of the things my mom said to comfort me.

"Well, they're not your friend, then."

I would come home crying, telling my mother about my day and the awful thing "my friend" said or did to me. That was how she would reply. She taught me that the people who actually matter will treat you well. And, if they don't treat you well, you will either talk it through or they're just not meant to be your friend.

So, that's how I treated the immediate social ostracization on Friday. My following count fell from like 170-something to 148. I've also been blocked by a bunch of people (good on you for curating your feed! I do the same thing!)

And, how I dealt with the pain of someone I genuinely liked, cared about, and considered a close friend in fandom replying to a vague post about me to agree and share their true thoughts about me. If they were truly meant to be my friend, they would have spoken with me directly. Instead, I messaged them directly. I did that because I thought we were friends and wanted to continue being friends.

But alas, it was not meant to be. I wish them well.

"It's just a blip on the radar."

Whatever bad shit you're currently feeling or going through or experiencing is just a small blip on the grand radar of life. 99% of the time it's fair winds and following seas.

So, all of this shit? No big deal. Seriously. What's a little fandom drama to the rest of my life? The rest of my fucking day, even? Nothing. It's nothing!

Step 2: Self-confidence (exaggerated and normal)

Yes, I believe I am better than multiple people in fandom. Yes, I'm sure they believe they're better than me. But also, I'm not actually better than them because I'm not better than anybody. We're all human beings, just living and making our choices and trying to survive.

So, when you've lived almost your entire life with little to no self-esteem, a little exaggerated belief that you're hot shit is healthy. Because after a while, you'll start to believe you genuinely matter and genuinely have value simply because you exist. It's just balancing the scales.

What I have normal self-confidence in is who I am as an individual, my values and motives in life. I have confidence in how I deal with the mistakes I make, the conflict that crops up, all the little things that make life "interesting". I have confidence in my friends, I have confidence in my beliefs about people, I have confidence in life.

I don't believe the worst about people. I give people chances. I believe they will do the same for me. And if they don't, that's just unfortunate. Because believing this will lead to a happier life, and I hope that they are happy.

I have confidence in the fact that I have and will survive.

And, after all is said and done, I simply move on with my life.

I have spent too much of my life depressed, in a cloud of negativity, believing the worst in me and others. And I have had a taste of stability and happiness, and I am never, ever letting that go.

And the key to that? Not giving a shit about fandom drama. Life doesn't end if a bunch of people unfollow me. Life doesn't end if some big name modder spreads lies about me. Life doesn't end if people don't like me!

Because the world is huge and there are billions upon billions of human beings in the world, and we all just keep chugging along. I will make new friends, meet new people, make new "enemies". All of them, all of those people, and all of these experience color and enrich the tapestry of my life.

Final thoughts

Why does it matter? Who cares? It's a video game. It's a hobby. I only know you (royal you, by the way) and you only know me through this hobby. It doesn't need to be more than sharing a hobby. We can maintain a relationship solely in that context. We don't need to be friends. You don't need to like me as an individual. We can be friends. I would love to be friends, actually! But, we don't have to or need to be to simply exist cordially in fandom.

Compartmentalize your life. It's healthy. It's how you stay sane with a job. It's how you stay sane navigating complicated relationships.

Just stop giving such a shit about people that don't actually, truly matter to you.

Your time is better spent on the people that do actually, truly matter to you.

You make that choice. You choose where to spend your energy. You choose how to react. You choose how big of a deal to make something.

I've made my choices, and I am very happy with my choices.

Make choices that only make you happier.

[theshiningprofessor-fir]

Hello! Figured it was about time I did one of these :]

1. Johto! Ecruteak City specifically

2. Alomomola! 🐠🐠

3. I have! I visit Sinnoh on occasion to visit friends and for research, but I mainly go back and forth between Unova and Johto to visit my mother 💖

4. I'd love to visit Ancient Sinnoh/Hisui! I'd also love to revisit Alola sometime; revisit Little Johto there 🥰

5. I'll consider Johto to be my home region, as I spent my childhood there; I used to be terrified of Ho-Oh striking me down as a child. No clue why. Especially because Raikou frequented our practical backyard. A much more realistic threat. 😅

6. I've always been intrigued by stories of Unovas great dragon (and heartbroken that Kyruem is often left out of the legend)! Now that all three have been revived, I wonder if they'll ever return to their joined form in my lifetime 🤔

7. OHHH id love to have a Dark type gym!! that shows of the gorgeous Shiny colors of Dark types... With my shiny Absol, Abigail, as the star of the show.... 🤩 Perhaps the challenge would not just be to beat me in battle but to spot the difference between some very similar shiny/non-shiny pairs, such as Gengar and Garchomp 🤔🤔

8. I prefer to battle for fun! I tend to shake uncontrollably under pressure, even if I don't actively feel nervous. Competitive just isn't meant for me, I think.😅

9. If anything, I obsess over type advantages and move coverage! A team that covers each others blind spots and vulnerabilities is an unshakable one! 🤩💕

10. I'm a bit biased (living in Unova) but Champion Iris always puts on an astonishing performance! You can really tell that she's perfectly in sync with her mons, and loves them dearly. Same goes to Champion Cynthia!

11. Favorite Gym Leader is probably Roxie or Morty! Roxie brings a contagious energy to both the stage AND the battlefield, and a great sense of style to boot! (I once caught her pick during a concert). Morty was just starting out as gym leader when I was a kid, and growing up in the town he watched over was some of the best days of my life! Ghost, Poison, and Dark pokémon all get such an unfair bad rap! 🤬🤬🤬

12. Can't stand Whitney of the Johto circuit. Something about her just gets on my nerves, and she's a sore loser to boot. And her Miltank is terrifying.😰

13. Overall decent. A little disappointed that Johto has to share a League with Kanto, but whatever. I don't have a particularly strong opinion about it.

14. Apparently a Revavroom got loose in the Nimbasa Battle Subway and had been trying to race the trains :/

15. My knee-jerk reaction is to say Absol, as it's my species of choice, but I think a Dartrix or even a Midday Lycanroc would also work!

16. Love the smooth, cool-to-the-touch feeling of a Moon Stone. The divots and craters are very satisfying to stim with during long lectures. 🌜

17. Ah, I don't decorate mine much. My father's old Braviary, Birdie, has a pokéball carved with my father's name, from back when he was a teen. I prefer to use Quick Balls (good for capturing surprise shinies), but Luxury Balls are what I prefer to keep long-term or permanent catches in. :] Quick Balls are great for catch and release!

18. Oh no they're quite distinct! You can see this very obviously in how they respectively interact with Flying types.

19. They are distinct as well. Unlike Rock/Ground though, they're distinct in how the pokémon within those types present. What would you propose we call the combined group if we lumped them together? "Grass and also bugs"? In the same vein as Rock/Ground, however, look at how they interact with Psychic types.

20. They are quite similar, but looking at Fire (particularly magma) and Rock, two separate types are allowed to be formed from different states of the same matter. Is Ice just frozen Water? Yes. In the same way magma is just liquid rock. And again, they have different interactions with, say, Dragon.

21. My Zorua, Arkham, has a little blue handkerchief he likes to wear! Abigail has a beautiful necklace with Absolite on it my mother gifted her (I don't use mega evolution, I don't like putting my pokémon under that kind of stress), and my Gyarados, Ruby, has a saddle that she actually loves to wear; she'll throw a tantrum if she's decided we haven't done enough riding for the day! ...Which is uh. Very dangerous.

22. Arkham handkerchief was actually part of an old blanket he used to drag around as a baby! Again, Ruby loves her saddle. And King (my Emboar) has an obsession with a pink prop umbrella we got from the Pokémon Musical in Nimbasa 🥺 it's so cute

23. Occasionally! King and Ruby usually take the lead, with Abigail as support if I'm challenged to a triple or rotation battle. Arkham is not battle trained (he's more of a lap mon, or perhaps an annoying toddler) (/affectionate), and Birdie is a bit too old to battle much these days haha

24. I would of course enter Abigail in a Beauty contest because of course she would immediately win... Even if she hadn't been eating dry poffins since she hatched

25. Most of my pokémon, including myself, love Sweet food! Ruby loves Pecha berries, and we'll often share one beside the Charizard Bridge. Abigail prefers Dry food, and Arkham will steal any and all Spicy berries, even from directly under King's nose! 🤣

26. Curry... Galar food got exactly one thing right

27. My first pokémon was King (a Tepig then), whom my father sent over to Johto from where he was staying in Unova for work! I guess it was sort of a way to convince me to spend the summer in Unova before heading out on my journey haha... King and I have been together since I was 10! (I've known Birdie all my life, but he didn't come into my care until my father passed away)

28. Arkham, my Zorua! I adopted him from a rescue shelter, where they'd had a huge egg bust recently. He has 1,004 siblings! Some trainer had been hatching for IVs or something, and had been leaving the eggs in an abandoned barn out near Striaton. A hiker came across the board and notified the authorities; it was all over the news a few months ago. So uh... If you see a lot more Zorua around that's probably why.

29. Dark types for the win!

30. I'm not particularly fond of Psychic types (often they creep me out) but I certainly don't feel any ill will towards them. It's not their fault they have unnerving psychic powers.

31. Hmm... Probably the original Red Gyarados from the TV show I used to watch back in the day. I'd love to meet her!

32. Well, since I'm all about encountering Shiny pokémon, I'll leave those out! Besides encountering Raikou in my youth, I've also had a run-in with what I believe was Cresselia while on a solo Bridge Tour of Unova, haha!

33. Ruby was the most difficult by far. Joined the Magikarp/Gyarados Fanclub of Unova (MGFU) for tips and preparing for her evolution, and even then it took years! Doesn't help that every Magikarp is different lol

34. A shiny Chewtle that came into my care the other day was doing some training and nearly evolved, and the poor thing was so shaken up after... I ordered an Everstone on Ama-zong 🔔 (is that how you spell it??) right away for the lil guy

35. Surprisingly, no! Even Ruby has been an angel after evolving; her tantrums, although still dangerous, are more pout-y or annoyed than angry.

36. Arkham for sure. As I mentioned earlier, he didn't exactly come from the most loving beginnings; he didn't even have any Zoroark watching over him and the other pups and eggs. It took a lot of late nights, patience, and cheri berries to get him to warm up to me. Abigail was a big help, and often curled up next to Arkham to help him sleep 🥺💖💕

37. Not particularly...? I do like the idea of naming pokémon after their final evolution, or just naming them a simple nickname derived from their species name. A little boring, i guess. 😅

38. Meowth 💀 surely, you'd think, a pokémon who's signature move literally generates money would be more rare, right? Wrong. They're incredibly adaptive and are found nearly everywhere that humans have built cities. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a Meowth variant of every Type at this point.

39. I technically have 8 badges? Four from Johto, four from Unova... My favorite, though, is the Fog Badge. Felt... Important; going back to my hometown and finally taking on the gym leader i'd admired from afar since childhood felt particularly special :]

40. I love Abigail's fluffy coat! I brush it every day, twice a day (once in the morning and once before bed), and always after battles. She loves to be pampered and purrs so enthusiastically that she'll often drool! Very silly. Love my baby girl!!! 💕✨

Phew! That was a lot! If you read this far, thanks a lot! Hope to see you around!

Pokéblr Ask Game

General Questions 1-20, Pokémon Specific Questions 21-40

What region are you from? What town? 

What’s your Unovan horoscope? 

Have you visited other regions?

What region would you most like to visit if ever given the chance?

Thoughts on the legendaries of your home region?

Thoughts on the legendaries of another region?

If you were a gym leader, what kind of gym would you run? If you are already a gym leader or gym trainer, what’s your gym like?

Which do you prefer, competitive battling or battling for fun?

What type of battle strategy do you tend to use with your Pokémon? If you do contests or something else with your Pokémon, what is your preferred approach to that?

Favorite Pokémon League champion?

Favorite gym leader?

Give us a random celebrity (gym leader, tv personality, musician, etc.) you can’t stand and why.

Thoughts on your home region’s Pokémon League?

Weirdest recent local news story?

If you had to pick a Pokémon to represent you, what Pokémon would you pick? 

Favorite evolutionary stone?

Do you prefer to hand decorate your Pokéballs? Do you have a preference for any specialty Pokéballs?

Do you think Rock and Ground are distinctly different Pokémon types, or largely the same and incorrectly categorized? 

Do you think Grass and Bug are distinctly different Pokémon types, or largely the same and incorrectly categorized? 

Do you think Water and Ice are distinctly different Pokémon types, or largely the same and incorrectly categorized? 

Do your Pokémon wear any fun accessories?

Does your Pokémon have a favorite item?

Do your Pokémon battle? 

Would you ever enter one of your Pokémon in a contest? Which one?

What type of food do your Pokémon prefer? What flavors?

Pokéblocks, Poké Puffs, Poffins, Poké Beans, Curry, or Sandwiches?

Who was your first Pokémon? How did you get them? How long have you had them?

What is your most recently obtained Pokémon? 

What is your favorite Pokémon type? 

What is your least favorite Pokémon type?

If you could have any Pokémon in the world to add to your team, what Pokémon would it be?

Have you encountered any rare or unusual Pokémon?

Have any of your Pokémon evolved? If so, what was in your opinion the most difficult one to evolve? 

Do you have a Pokémon that refuses to evolve?

Did any of your Pokémon have temperament issues when they first evolved? How did you handle it?

Which Pokémon took you the longest to bond with?

Do you have a naming convention for your Pokémon?

What Pokémon did you grow up thinking was rare only to find out they’re common elsewhere?

Do you and your Pokémon have any badges or contest ribbons? Which one are you most proud of?

Favorite thing about your partner Pokémon?