#REPLACED BY THE LONELINESS SOCIETY

[blbambeyond-nonblblog-hyd-mg-bof]

Double Savage (2023, THAILAND)

Episode 12 (Finale)

Starring: PAWAT CHITTSAWANGDEE (OHM)

TANAPON SUKUMPANTANASAN (PERTH)

RACHANUN MAHAWAN (FILM)

A story of family. A story of necessity. A story of mistakes big and small. But at the end of story of forgiveness.

Korn and Win are brothers and they have an older sister Li and a loving mother. And yes even a loving father except when it comes to his son Korn. The father sees Korn as a jinx as he was born during a recession and the father sees Win as a good son as he was born during an economic upswing. The father forces Korn to do labor around the house. He sent to a different school. He is abused both physically and mentally by his heartless father. But no one really steps up to help Korn...I mean not really. They all just watch unapprovingly but really they do nothing.

Rung comes on the scene and she is liked by both brothers but she seems to prefer Korn. She is the catalyst to split these loving brothers up. For Win to see Korn like their father does.

Thrown out Korn unwillingly becomes a criminal to survive even though he never truly hates his father or his brother.

But the real criminal turns out to be Win as he accidentally murders Rung's parents and walks away for quite awhile. Rung returns from exile (hanging around Korn she is mistakenly charged with a crime) and she wants revenge. Joining Korn and his criminal friends Rung sets out to get her revenge. Even sleeping with Win and later getting him arrested for the murder of her parents.

The last episode brings forgiveness. For father to son. Brother to brother. And even for Rung. I guess alls well that ends well...I guess.

[bewitchingnymph]

Lilith in Astrology ⚸ ˖ ࣪⭑𖤐

☆ Lilith, the mother of demons, she's one of the most famous and most controversial female figures in world of occultism, literature, horror, feminism etc

☆ In alot of ancient folklore, Lilith was the first wife of Adam but she didn't want to be submissive to him, she believed that both were made to be equal but Adam was opposed of that so lilith left the garden of eden, after that god sent three angels after her and they found her in a cave bearing children, since lilith refused to come back to the garden the angels threatened killing 100 of her children everyday and of course that's when she started to eat the mortals babies as a revenge, lilith tried to come back to the garden but saw that Adam already had a new wife Eve ( unlike Lilith who was created at the same time as Adam, Eve came from Adams ribs ) so she decided to steal the seed of Adam and use that seed to bear demons, replacing the children that the three angels murdered. Her name Lilith is translated to " night monster " because at night , she would take a female form and seduce the men just to take their seed to bear more demons. She was known as the succubus, the destroyer of innocent, the wild woman, the original witch etc

☆ Lilith is a very controversial figure in the world of mythology but in other aspects, she is also a symbol of feminism. In the modern world, she is associated with sexual empowerment, rebellion, knowledge, fighting against patriarchy, independence etc. She represents the dark feminism, taboo, sexuality, self love etc.

☆ In astrology, there is asteroids in the name of lilith, in your birth chart the houses and signs those asteroids will be placed is going to show you your shadow side, where you have been shamed from your early life, how you can rebel against the social norms, your rage, your dark feminine side that is shameful, unacceptable, forbidden in the society eyes. There is 4 asteroids ✳ :

☆ Asteroid lilith (1181)

☆ Black moon lilith / waldemath lilith (h58)

☆ true lilith (h13)

☆ mean lilith (h12)

☆ In my opinion i like to use all asteroids instead of just one. In my birth chart i have lilith ⚸ (1181) in my 1st house ♏, both true lilith (h13) and mean lilith (h12) in my 5th house ♓ and black moon lilith in my 12th house ♎.

☆ Lilith 1181 being in my first house indicates me having strong sense of independence and self expression, me being viewed as rebellious in my childhood which i was heavily, not wanting to be stuck in traditional and societal rules, being shamed for my personality, mannerism, just basically being myself without shame and since its in the first house basically my features are very dark ( i have pluto and ketu in the first house aswell ) i have been told that i have that witchy and mysterious look in my face. Since it's in scorpio ♏, im very secretive and tough but i can be heavily jealous, i struggle with letting go grudges and resentment, i take revenge very seriously even though it can take a tool on my mental health and also exposing myself in here, i used to use my sexuality to manipulate men online and it worked ( never did it in real life, im more comfortable doing it online )

( lilith 1181 whatever sign or house is in your chart can show you how you were demonized in some parts of your life and you can reclaim what was once yours by tapping into your lilith energy, take back that power )

☆ Waldemath lilith (h58) being in my 12th house it kinda indicates me struggling with my mental health and ive been shamed for it and i struggled with loneliness most of my childhood, im quite interest in spirituality, psychology but the darker side ( in astrology if the post isn't 18+ or about death, mental illness im not interested ) anything that is taboo im eating it up and yes since it's in 12th house the house of hidden, unknown and paranormal, ive seen stuff that i wasn't supposed to see. Since it's in libra ♎ i struggle alot with my love life especially the type of people i fall in love with ( they can struggle with mental illness or be extremely possessive) and one thing i saw about having this placement that its true is the fact like i can manifest demons or spirits in my life whenever i feel rage cause i went to this guru and basically i just had really heavy stuff stuck on me, it was a very weird experience

( waldemath lilith (h58) whatever sign or house is in your chart, it can show your dark shadow, hidden rage etc)

☆ true lilith (h13) and mean lilith (h12) both being in my 5th house i have always been the artistic kid, that one kid that believed in fairys, mermaids, elfs etc i had and still have a very vivid imagination, im interested in spirituality and magic, that one kid that was always in forest trying to find a rabbit hole to take me to wonderland and also fifth house being the house of children my kids will probably be high spiritual and very artistic. Since it's in pisces ♓ like i said mystical, unusual stuff that are out of this world is something that i have always been interested, i have been told that i hold to much empathy in my heart which it can lead to people using me and im also very sentimental ( im that person that cries when someone is crying ), being my own world but i struggle getting out of it, been quite shamed for my self expression and creativity because i love dark art, im really obsessed with manifesting and subliminals, and even though i don't have an addiction to drugs to escape reality or run away from my problems, i have an addiction to eating especially eating unhealthy food. Even though i was this creative in my childhood, i couldn't be myself in my household, i had to hold back being my own person which led me to have self identity issues in my whole life

( true lilith (h13) whatever sign and house is in can show you the area where you have been rejected from your life and mean lilith (h12) can show you your unique version, what you need to heal and its funny that both of them are in the same house and sign )

☆ One thing i love about this asteroids is how they tell the raw truth. They can help you claiming your power that was once yours, most believe that's what Lilith does but i have seen people saying that idolizing Lilith is not okay due to her reputation and that she's not the feminist icon that everyone made her to be and honestly which person can have a different opinion which is okay but don't start shaming.

☆ And i made my own research so if there's something i forgot to add or if i made a mistake, feel free to say it. And also i wanted to credit @d4rkpluto because their posts about each lilith asteroids it help me with my post so thank you so much ♡

[scribble-dribble-writes]

Part of your world

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Pairing: Miguel o'hara x female reader

Word count: 4500

Warnings: none

Content: soulmates, longing, loneliness

---

“Why hasn’t she shown up for her assignment yet?”, Miguel questioned his AI assistant, tapping his fingers away as he scheduled another spiderman to take up your work.

“Didn’t you hear?”, LYLA asked him.

 “Hear about what?”, he turned to her feeling confused.

“She quit.”, LYLA spoke to him as she filed her nails.

“Why didn’t I know about this?”, he grew tense.

“Wait, it’s your job to tell me these things.”, he was annoyed, sure, you skipped out on your task but not having you around him somehow felt more worse.

“I did.”, LYLA yawned feeling unenthused by this conversation.

“You didn’t seem to fret about it too much?”, she continued hopping around him studying expression.

He slumped back into his chair, how had it slipped his mind?

“I sanction the resignations, why wasn’t it passed by me?”, he questioned further. Was there a flaw in the system he didn't know about?

“Because she had a valid reason.”, LYLA searched through her storage to bring up your video.

“I’ve found him, at last. Now I want to embrace a quieter life with him, one that is without all this madness.”, he watched you speak, gesturing to his monitors behind you. His sleep ridden eyes latched onto your face in the recording as though the very sight of you was the remedy for his aching heart.

He could feel his claws take shape, he wanted to go berserk, to trash everything that was in front of him. But seeing the way you sighed, like you had enough, his heart only softened more.

“Tell Miguel I’m sorry.”, was the last he heard your voice before his screen flashed to black. Leaving him to sit in the silence, with the inevitable truth that you had left. You didn’t choose spider society. You didn’t choose him. He hung his head, after years, after being the very reason he set out to enter the multiverse, he didn’t get the only desire he longed for.

He reached for his vial and took a shot, his shoulder stinging with pain, he had to rest or much rather forget. He got up and left, with less vigour than when he arrived, than when he thought he had a chance. Now it was all lost, again, over and over, why couldn’t he have one good lasting moment before it got ripped away from him.

Entering his apartment, he embraced the darkness as he trudged into his room. His suit deactivating to expose his skin to the cold, he didn’t want the warmth, it reminded him of you. But ever since he had seen you, his dreams were replaced with nightmares. Every time he slept, he would wake up in a realm where you were next to him. His dreams of Gabriella and his time as a father was now replaced with his longing for love.

You wouldn’t let him sleep, every move you made he would feel it as though it was real, as though this was his life with your fingers on his cheeks, your body looping in and out of his bed sheets. Your hair spread out on his chest, his heart always skipping a beat when you lifted your head to see him. But he could never hold you close or stop you from leaving.

Nightmares. Like now, your siren like voice telling him to find you, your lips saying sweet nothings as you kissed his forehead and the ease he felt as you ran your fingers through his hair. He was going to go mad at this rate and no amount of his green vials could save him.

He woke up gasping for air as cold sweat dripped from his forehead. He took a few seconds to calm down as he sat in the dark room, alone, pulled away from your touch,  the only light coming through the window from the city that never slept, just like him, kept alive by your neon lights. He hid his face in his hands. Desperate, he couldn’t settle or digest the fact that he was going to be lonely, forever.

That is, only if he could find you again. He stopped himself. The fear gripped him. He had already done it before, jumping universes in search of a better life and it ended with him losing his daughter. If he were to try again and as a result lose you completely. His eyes widened, he didn’t know how he would continue to exist.

Atleast now, he looked out at the view, you were happy in someone else’s arms. So he settled into his pillows again, you were better off without having to be with him. But one gnawing question chewed on his self control. Who was this mystery man? This ordinary fool who was lucky to have you?

He retracted and detracted his claws as he couldn’t seem to find an answer instead a solution arose in his mind. He could never live in peace if this question was left unanswered. So knowing the pain that he would carry coming to know that he couldn’t be the one, he needed closure. He got up, activating his suit in the dead of night to grab his gadget and head to where you were.

Your city was quaint, it was unlike Nueva York. He could begin to understand the appeal, as he quietly swung over the roof line, it had a suburbian aspect to it,most of the lights were out, the neighborhood was sleeping and as he got closer to your house, he breathed a sigh of relief. The lights in your living room were turned on. But as he approached the slope of your roof, he spotted another parked car outside your house. It was a utility vehicle with soil bags and horse food in it’s truck. So you fell in love with a farmer. That was the complete opposite of who he was.

Taking in a deep breath, he prepared himself as he got closer to an open window, and there you were. In the warm glow of your lamp, seated on your comfy couch, speaking to this man.

Could Nueva York ever offer you a semblance of the beauty you had here?

The more he watched your mannerisms, it was clear you were having an argument of some kind.

“I gave up the mantle.”, he could hear the agony in your voice.

“Isn’t that enough?”, you held onto the edge of this man’s sleeve.

“I don’t want you to stop being you just so you can be with me, amor.”, he heard the man speak and his heart stopped.

He leaned in and there he was, a version of him, the one who lived in this universe. An ordinary version of himself. You had fallen in love with him, just in another world, he touched the glass as though it was a barrier.

“But you know it’s more than that.”, his version spoke as he pulled away your hands from him to hold it together.

“I just don’t feel the same.”, he placed them on your lap as he took his car keys.

“No, just give it time.”, you got up along with him.

“Just give us time.”, you pleaded but it was falling on deaf ears. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Watching him leave and take with him the future you desired.

He hugged you and you were the only one who was an emotional mess. He kissed your forehead and whispered goodbye, leaving you to stand in the middle of your living room like a ghost as the door closed softly while you kept thinking this wasn’t how it was to be. But as the clock struck twelve, you let the sorrow take you as you fell to the ground, weeping.

He wanted to run to you, to hold you and tell you that he did love you, that he would give you all the time in the world. But this was how it was, like the glass layer separating him from you, he will always be outside looking in and never by your side. He heard the vehicle drive away and all he could think was that the version of him who was here had to be the stupidest.

Maybe he could convince his version to come back.

But with the silent night stretching on and your quiet sobs breaking his heart, he wanted to intervene, even when his mind was telling no. He wouldn’t alter your story by involving himself in it. He stilled when an idea came to him.

If he pretended to be this other version … no

He couldn’t pretend anymore, that was what got him into this mess.

But maybe just long enough to ease you. Maybe. Definitely. He swung away in search of a change of clothes, which he found outside someone’s house that was kept out to be taken. He then purchased a roll of bandage from the pharmacy, to put the hand his gadget was on in a cast to disguise it.

He stood outside your door, suddenly nervous to knock, he paused to muse his hair, trying his best to look like the man you had fallen in love with because he knew he was nothing like him.

He knocked and heard you run to the door. It opened to the sound of your voice calling his name and he forgot why he was here. As he crossed the threshold, he could tell this was what his dreams were about, that he too unknowingly had longed for an ordinary life with you. His distant eyes were brought back when he felt you wrap him in a hug. He relaxed into your hold.

“You came back?”, he heard you ask and the breath in his lungs vanished as the warmth of your body seeped through him. This was real.

“I was an idiot.”, he replied.

An idiot to have not told you sooner about your significance in his life.

“I realized the moment you weren’t in my life, oscureció cada rincón de mi universo.”, he let his hand hold you close. All this was his own truth.

“A few seconds away and you’ve turned into a poet.”, you sniffed pushing away from him to see his face again. He was never this eloquent before.

But you brushed it aside, intertwining your fingers with his as you led him to the couch to only then see the cast. “Were you in an accident?”, you asked worriedly.

“No.”, he looked like he was new to your place, observant of your surroundings, of you.

“Just pulled a muscle as I slammed the car door.”, he explained but you could sense that something wasn’t right. The timing of when he left, he would have been half way across the city by now and it would be impossible for him to make a return trip so soon. You leaned towards your blinds and peeked outside, the road was empty. He had walked to your house.

“So you’ve changed your mind?”, you asked him. His eyes now on you as if they were alive with adoration.

“I’ve loved you since the beginning, what is there to change?”, he said lost in the proximity and the color of your eyes. You were caught in a moment and almost felt your soul stir before his eyes widened as though he remembered something and leaned away.

“I mean, what I said before I left doesn’t hold true anymore.”, he clarified himself as he cleared his throat.

You hummed, placing your hand on his cheek to trace your thumb over his top lip, he froze under your touch.

“Where’s your scar gone?”, you asked, now sure about who this was.

“What scar?”, he furrowed his brows and it only confirmed your suspicions.

You reached forward and ripped the bandage to see the multiverse portal gadget on his hand, leaving you both in a state of shock.

“Do you think this is funny?”, you grew tense, but your frustration had found it's breaking point.

“No let me explain – you cut him off.

"For a second I almost believed you.", you pushed away from him as he tried to reach for you, your eyes turning cold and distant.

"Hold on that was the truth – he began to argue but you had no interest to listen to him. This would end in a disaster if he kept popping up into your life.

"I want you to leave,", you walk back to him.

"Go back to Nueva York.", you said as you reached for his gadget to set the coordinates but he pulled away his hand.

"What?", he asked looking baffled.

"Leave. I don’t want you here.", you seethed but you were fighting back tears.

"After what I witnessed? That you were in love with a version of me?", he reached for your hand again, his eyes searching yours.

"No.", he said resolutely.

"Why won’t you just leave me alone?", you pulled away from his touch afraid that it might set of a world ending event.

"Because without you in my life, it withers away.", he said in an outburst which caused you to freeze. Your eyes widened as clutched the side of his head in pain.

"I feel like I’ve told you this before.", he winced and you but you lip.

"You did.", you said softly.

"But I made you forget, in the hopes my departure would not break you.", you found his eyes and you had to look away because they shimmered with the hurt of having been betrayed.

"You did what?", he gasped as he asked.

"Miguel, you are all about the canon. We, are not canon.", you wrapped your arms around you.

He got up and slowly approached you.

"But we are.", he said softly, like that was the reason for everything in his life.

"We are, when we fall in love within our respective universes.", you sniffed, trying to push away the utter hopeless you felt,

"You knew?", he asked with a hint of surprise in his voice, to which you nodded.

"So find my version in your universe and let go of me.", you looked up at him and watched him crumble.

"I can’t.", he said, the edges of his eyes glistening.

"You don’t exist in my universe, the first time that has happened.", he looked away as he explained.

"How do you know?", you asked.

"Cause you were the reason I made this.", he pointed to the gadget in his wrist, your eyes widening at his words.

"To come find you, but when I couldn’t, I settled for a life in another universe that I thought would soothe me, instead I lost it too.", A small tear drop ran down his cheek, breaking to utter bits.

"My logic was right, but his heart wasn’t it in. It’s the first time this has happened too, you rejecting me.", you reached up to wipe his tear, when

"Give me a chance.", he whispered.

You couldn't help but scoff because you knew the life he had to offer.

"You can’t give me something you don’t have?", you told him maintaining eye contact.

"And what is that?", he furrowed his brows.

"A chance to enjoy the mundane.", you replied, now impatient to put this conversation to an end. It had caused enough hurt for the both of you. But he didn't stop.

"Come back with me and I’ll show you", he held out his hand for you, as though it was only your to take.

"Miguel", you tried to protest but he was adamant.

"Just one day.", he pleaded.

"And by the end of it, tell me you felt nothing and I’ll bring you back.", he was being honest.

You looked at his out stretched hand, the hope in his eyes and the years of longing with which he said,

"Just, please.", he took a step closer to you.

You knew how he truly felt about you, because he appeared one night outside your balcony as you were watching the night sky to tell all of it. To tell you that you made his nights torturous with your presence invading his mind. You felt it too, that connection, the tug on your heart everytime he entered the room almost as if there was a thread that pulled you to him.

He was lonely, so were you. Tired of trying to find the other in your own worlds when in the sleepy state you were in, you let yourself lean into his touch. So he pulled you in, his warm body keeping away the chillness of the night. You knew this was going to be a mistake, the stake of the universe hanging over your head. The monitor on your desk had come back with no results, in your search for his version in your universe.

So maybe being here in his arms was the closest you could get. And after endless days craving for him to arrive in your life, maybe you could just enjoy this second. So you pulled him close and kissed him.

Desperate hearts finding solace in the warmth of the other.

But after that, one thing led to another, he carried you as he undid your buttons, you kissed him not wanting to be anywhere else. You had spent the night together and that was the first time you had seen him sleep so peacefully, his hand resting on your back as you rested your head on his chest.

Nothing had happened, the universe didn’t collapse but maybe it was because you hadn’t told him that you loved him. But as you were contemplating on trying it out, you monitor beeped. It's search result coming back with one positive result. And it was brutal the pain you felt, as though it was separating two souls that were one, to leave him behind, to pull away from his arms. But it had to be, your story was never meant to intersect with his.

So you did the most heart breaking thing you had ever done. He had to forget this, forget you, so you placed your finger on his forehead as he stirred awake. His eyes lighting up the moment they spotted you, his mouth opening to tell you that he loved you but you couldn’t let it happen. Not now after you knew this was going to break the canon storyline. You activated your telepathic powers and watched as his words turned into a whisper as he was put into another sleep. When he woke up again, he would have no recollection of all this.

But now as he stood before you, with the same agonizing expression, you couldn’t find the strength to tell him no. Not when after everything, you were both alone again.

“Fine. One day.”, you said subduing your fears as to what the outcome might be.

All you craved now was to just be by his side and as you took his hand, there it was, that resurgence within you, that spark, one you did not feel with his version in your world.

The moment you got back, he was pulled away for work and so were you. But he didn’t let go of you, he had you next to him as he slotted the assignments while you both enjoyed a late brunch to take out noodles. He was laughing, making jokes, and the very essence of his joy lightened you up as well. Swiftly using his chopsticks, he held out a piece of honey chicken up to you, as if this was how it had always been. You and him sitting in his office whiling away time. You leaned in to take a bite, you were sure he never shared his meals with anyone else before.

Overseeing spider society’s progress demanded he got out of his office and so he took you with him. Although you were both indulged in doing your jobs, it felt fun doing it together. He instructed the new recruits while you pointed them towards their allotted sections. As he spoke to them, he would sneak glances at you, reminding himself of your presence and that was enough to get him going.

The latter part of the day was spent catching criminals here in Nueva York and a couple anomalies from a few other universes. But it was different than what you had thought it would have been, a life with him. It was well balanced. Sweet in the slow moments, thrilling in the adventurous journeys and mostly, less lonely. That in his soft touches and murmurs, you could feel your heart had found a home in his.

The day was coming to an end. He didn’t need to remind himself of it, because you hadn’t told him of your decision yet. So he got you some ice cream before he took you to the highest point in Nueva York, so that your final moment could just be with him.

It was surprising, he knew everything about you, what you liked, what you disliked and unlike the menacing image he had instilled in everyone’s mind, he showed you his truest nature. One that was gentle, kind and nurturing. All your favourite qualities. The city looked tiny below you as he found his spot next to you. The sky a painting of orange and pink as you thought of what you were going to do.

“Why did you make me forget?”, he turned to you.

You popped the end of your waffle cone into your mouth as you told him, “I kissed you and I didn't want to hurt you.”

He gave you a nod, his eyes looking away at the distant view before finding yours again.

“Right and I,”, he paused, his gaze well aware of what had happened between you two. You nodded in response, dusting your hands.

“It's all coming back to me now.”, he said softly and it reopened the hurt you felt.

“I didn’t mean to erase our time together, Miguel.”, you inched closer to him.

“I was sure it was you, but then that was when I had found him and I was scared,”, you couldn’t face him, you couldn't finish the sentence.

“You were scared you would destabilize the universe.”, he held his hands together.

“I've been there.”, he sighed.

“How cruel,”, you laughed pushing away his wind swept hair.

“Fated but just but of reach.”, you said to which e huffed a laugh too as his expression sobered when his eyes found yours.

The sun was now a red ball of fire descending into the horizon as his hand inched closer his pinky finger touching yours.

“So what’s it going to be?”, he asked turning to you, asking you how you felt about this day, if was enough to give you a taste of everything he had to offer.

“I… I liked today.”, you said sheepishly but there was line you couldn't cross.

“Maybe we could be friends?”, you suggested, to which he vehemently declined.

“That won’t do.”, he smiled.

“I want you constantly. In my arms, in my head, in my bed, everywhere.”, he gestured with his hands, as though being high in the sky deemed him confident enough to spill his secrets.

“Ah then I’m afraid the canon universe is going to crumble.”, you bumped his shoulder with yours.

“I’m afraid so.”, he said with a sad smile.

As the stars began to descent into the twilight sky, he just couldn’t seem to let you go. If that kid got away with breaking canon events and did his own thing.

What’s to say he couldn’t?

He looked at you, he wasn’t doing anything too drastic. A sense of resolve settled over him. He took your hand in his. This felt good and solid and true. So maybe, it was just his own thinking that was stopping him.

“But what if we did?”, he asked.

You didn’t want to leave, this was the life you were trying to mimic, back in your universe but you couldn’t happened because it needed him, the man who held your hand as his eyes mirrored the sky.

“What?”, you asked not quite following his train of thought.

“See where this goes?”, he answered to which you laughed.

“Miguel o’hara wants to break the canon, LYLA would have a fit of she could hear this.”, you continued.

“I’m being serious.”, he got you to look at him as you stilled.

Maybe you had gotten it wrong. You had kissed him and nothing had happened. He said he loved you and the world didn’t end. So maybe, you were searching for the wrong man. Maybe he had been right in front of you this whole time.

“And what is your reason to wreck the universe this time?”, you smiled as you caressed his cheek. His eyes softening as he felt your touch.

“I just really want to kiss you.”, he whispered and with the he guided your chin towards him to place his lips on yours.

Your heart was in your throat as you squeezed your eyes shut, afraid that if you opened them you might see him vanish. He held your hand tight, as though you were the only one that could offer him solace in his fears. A few seconds passed and he pulled away to see you, to check if everything was lost. But it hadn't, everything remained the same. The soft wind rustling your hair, the gentle moonlight illuminating his face as the night sky provided you with the cover to truly enjoy the meaning of this revelation.

That you were meant for each other.

“The world is still intact?”, he asked holding onto the side of your face.

“I believe so.”, you mumbled, now only wanting to crawl up into his arms.

He hummed as he picked you up in joy. To then seat you on his lap to face him, this was how it had been that night, irresistibly drawn to each other because your hearts were tied together. Now there was no need to run.

“No sabes lo feliz que me hace oírte decir eso.”, his hand found the back of you neck while you leaned closer to seal any gap between you and him. Your hands sprawled across his chest as he pulled you in.

“I might had an idea.”, you smiled and that small gesture was enough for him to find your lips again in a passionate kiss, because he wasn’t going to be alone anymore, all his sacrifices had led him to you.

“I’ve always longed to be a part of your world.”, he spoke in between his kisses, as he continued till he sat back breathless.

You looked down at his flushed cheeks as he gasped for air but didn't want to let go as though he didn’t want to waste another second of this new found life.

You didn’t want to either, so you pulled him by the collar of his suit and kissed him again beneath the starlit sky.

[agentrouka-blog]

Hi ! Sorry for bothering you with HOTD discourse AGAIN ,but I really wanna know your thoughts on Alicent and her kids relationship.

Have a good day/night !

Within the show, the energy I get from their relationship is less mother-child and more eldest daughter raising her younger siblings because no one else will do it.

We watch a child still mourning the loss of her own mother, still just toying with the role of the Maiden that society affords highborn girls (a figure of romance and chivalry, afforded admiration and glamor), and we watch her already struggling with a sense of doom and dread regarding their society and her powerlessness in it, expressed through her hands.

Then we see these fragile identities entirely taken away without a choice. She doesn't get to be a girl anymore, she doesn't get to explore the illusion of agency as a desired maiden wooed by handsome knights. She is suddenly transplanted into the role of a physical body that must endure its own violation for the purposes of others. Her children are things produced and birthed and cared for in a state of dissociation. And there are no rewards in it, no trade-off in power or status to replace the small safety she had before. She is profoundly lonely, no one takes her seriously. The father who should have protected her sacrificed her for his political goals, the one friend she thought she could relate to has coldly abandoned her. Her husband is her constant violator whom she must appease. There is no maternal mentor around her at all. She's deeply traumatized and depressed and trapped. She keeps trying to return herself to that previous state of self, if only through recreating her friendship with Rhaenrya. How is this child supposed to find the emotional resources to bond with the children she had no choice in birthing?

Then Rhaenyra's betrayal robs her of even any illusion of support from that end and her father's departure removes his remnants of protection, company and control. It's an implosion, and we see her make the choice to find a new self. The green dress moment.

So somewhere in the off-screen period following, she also takes control - as far as she can - of her relationship with her children. She - their traumatized teenaged biological mother - chooses to be their protector because there is no adult around who will do it. And it is hard. There is no ease in it. The one child she could have a blueprint for (Helaena) is neurodivergent and speaks an entirely different emotional language. The boys struggle with patriarchy from the male perspective, she finds it difficult to access and regulate that sphere. But she tries. She really tries to find ways to relate to them and to apply her own values, her own identity. This is where we see her true self. Through trying she comes to truly love them. But she can't just compensate for everything wrong. She can't compensate for Viserys's neglect, she can't compensate for the years it took her to form an adult identity, she can't compensate for the toxicity of their society and she can't compensate for the danger they all live in. There are rifts of disconnect and pain and miscommunication. She is their mother but she is a mother with visible flaws and limitations who cannot protect them as she tries and they know it. It removes her from a pedestal of serenity and calm authority that this Identity(tm) is supposed to have. So there is more loneliness in it, more failure, a lot of frustration and struggle. But it's open struggle and it is genuine care and I find it deeply compelling. I find it more honest and genuine than any other parent-child relationship in the show.

[headspace-hotel]

3 questions:

1. How do you carry the heavy burden of having so many correct beliefs plus the rare combination of motivation and the right approach to making the world a better place? 2. Does your back hurt?

3. What do you think about David Pearce's utopian idea that a sufficiently technologically advanced future society could and should one day abolish (or at least minimize) suffering, partly by redesigning the biosphere and its inhabitants to be kinder and gentler to each other? IMO that could involve bioengineering predation out of existence.

Sorry if I already asked you about this. You seem very smart and seem to know a lot about ecology so I want to know your thoughts

1. Half the work is fighting very hard against starting to believe this very thing (that I have correcter beliefs than many other people). I hope my posts inspire y'all to read things that are not posts.

2. Not really.

3. The term you're looking for is "life on Earth goes extinct."

But, okay, I've seen this sentiment before, and it is—not that you are, just that the idea is— a naive and arrogant approach to ethics in nature

I don't think it's wrong to change the biosphere. That's what life DOES. It evolves.

But "ending suffering" is an impossible goal because we don't, and in some ways can't, understand suffering scientifically. Suffering is an internal state that is defined only by the perceiver's experience of it. We still do not know the ins and outs of how physical pain works in humans, let alone spicy, obscure emotions like Existential Angst.

People who are concerned with the problem of suffering in nature focus on predation and pain in the animal kingdom—understandable if you have thought about it for under five minutes, but hopelessly incomplete and arbitrary if you consider that a creature's ability to feel and perceive is not determined by how humanlike it is.

There is no reason to think a plant or a mushroom is less capable of "suffering" than a lobster is. Plants and fungi are different; they are not simpler or less advanced or less alive than animals.

The corollary to this is that being marginally more humanlike doesn't mean that a creature "suffers" in the way a human does. When you think about it, living things can perceive "negative" stimuli because the ability to do so helped their ancestors survive. A solitary creature, for instance, wouldn't experience loneliness because being with others of its species isn't really necessary or beneficial for it. It's very likely that a creature that can't change its behavior to accommodate for or help heal an injury, can't experience continuous pain like we can. Does that mean they don't "suffer" as severely as we do? I'm not sure. It's impossible to say. I'm sure we all experience the world profoundly—I'm sure the perception of light by a bryozoan colony and the subsequent growth toward the light and feasting on algae "feels" as potent and spiritual as any of my complicated chordate emotions.

Long story short, stimuli like pain were adapted as responses that help a creature survive by avoiding things that are injurious to its survival. To eliminate suffering, you'd have to invent creatures that don't want to be alive, which would die out and be replaced by creatures that do.

Inventing creatures that don't want to be alive somehow sounds way more fucked up than anything that already exists.

But, hi, we are social creatures. Our survival instincts are overwhelmingly oriented toward seeking safety with other humans. PTSD is a disorder of social misplacement; it develops when the communities we live in don't properly acknowledge and care for our hurt after a distressing experience. We evolved to be able to communicate pain and distress to other humans, which means being aware of our own suffering, and that others can suffer, which explains why we are having this conversation, because wanting to relieve other creatures' suffering is a quality of our species.

I get tags on my posts sometimes referencing how nature is a brutal suffering machine—often when I'm talking about plant cognition and awareness—and it's troubling because that's not the takeaway I want people to have at all.

Because first of all, a healthy ecosystem working "as intended" does a lot to minimize suffering. People see predation as this violent and brutal thing, but for a deer, death by festering injury or starvation or parasite overload related to overcrowding or even old age is a lot more nasty and painful.

A biosphere without predators is unavoidably worse. The buffer on prey populations that predators provide creates optimal conditions for prey, because otherwise, the animals just reproduce to the point where the population can't increase any more because the animals are too sick/starving.

Predation ensures a deer with a horribly mangled broken leg will get picked off instead of limping around for months in pain (something i actually witnessed!). It's not evil. It just is.

If you really wanted to eliminate suffering, you would have to eliminate being alive, and to be completely honest, that is probably not possible. We could not render the Earth completely empty of even single celled organisms if we dumped every toxic chemical into the atmosphere and bombed ourselves with every nuclear weapon. We would still have tough bastards like Deinococcus radiodurans around, and those guys would probably eventually evolve into organisms with the capability to experience pain all over again.

Abiogenesis may be a bitch but life, once it exists, is a Pandora's box that can't be unopened. The first thing to be alive also invented death, and there's no way around that. The monkey-typewriter-room of molecules that let you understand that you exist are going to write out "WOW, THIS FUCKING SUCKS" every once in a while.

When you think about it, the ecosystem as it naturally evolved probably is one of the most low-suffering possible ecosystems, assuming that things that can be considered "suffering" evolved as survival mechanisms, and unnecessary mechanisms for suffering would be eliminated over time due to the detriment they are to survival.

Living things develop survival mechanisms, and this means the ability to distinguish good and bad stimuli. Can't get around that.

Even with the existence of predation and parasitism as important modes of survival, such overtly ""antagonistic"" relationships in nature aren't even dominant. A staggering portion of the biosphere is engaged by necessity in mutualism—most plants form mycorrhizal symbioses and flowering plants are also symbiotically joined to pollinators, not to mention that plants need each other to thrive.

You can view this positively (plants have friends!) or negatively (plants can get lonely...)

[elixrr]

Xiao x Reader - a drabble on love.

���ᴏ ʏᴏᴜ, ᴡʜᴏ ɪ'ᴠᴇ ʟᴏᴠᴇᴅ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴡʜᴏ ɪ ᴄᴇʀᴛᴀɪɴʟʏ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ɴᴏᴡ.

➳❥ - no dialogue, just simple descriptions of a quiet, starry night spent with xiao.

The moon hangs over the night sky, and you are illuminated with the wonders of the night lights. Tonight isn’t special; it's simply like any other night, but you're here, Xiao's here, and it's peaceful. No words are exchanged between either one of you. It's a quiet night created and built to listen to the steady and rampant heartbeats of lovers. It's a silent night made for the midnight snores and late laughter of lovers who've awakened and been awake. Neither of you pays much mind, for nobody else lays on the roof of the inn.

A fair combination of yellow and white glow against your skin, and Xiao can't help but steer his eyes towards you. Love, he feels, is terrifying in the ways it can manipulate and capture his mind, seeping into each crack and crevice of his heart. The way his love for you sways and controls his lungs and how he breathes— it's abnormal. It's strange, and at first, he wanted it all out, for Xiao had wished to keep away from all that could strip him of his focused duties, but it crept in closer and took him by the hand, much like you do during those spontaneous starry days where the sun shines, yet you shone brighter in comparison.

That's you, simply. It's always you. You, the one who always catches his attention. You, the one who replaces the dull sun with a true, grounded star. You're special, you're different, and not because of the way you look. It's not just the hand that interlocks with his on evil nights full of comfort for karma; it's not the clothes you carry that sway around your hips and your arms, nor is it your silky, velvet sleeves that drag with the wind. You're simply special. You stand out to him far more than any person that any society norm could deem beautiful. He couldn't care less about how wide or thin your hips are; he doesn't even think once on what shape your face has taken. He never paid mind to the weight you carry, mental or physical. Xiao sees you for more than who you appear to be. He sees you as who you've shown him; he sees you as the one he loves, and that's all that will ever matter in his eyes.

Xiao used to dream of joining his friends. He used to dream of the delicate cottons and fabrics of the afterlife that he could feel when he sees his friends, albeit he might only see them once after death and never again— if that promised haven of peace, tranquility, and love is a promise that is honest and true. If not, that would've been fine for him, too, for he feels he wouldn't ever deserve the taste of a heaven. Xiao, simply, dreamed of dying. He wished to die a warrior, much like the rest of the yaksha. In his eyes, he had nothing to lose before. Rex Lapis is no longer the archon, and the people of Liyue don't seem to need him around anymore, so why bother?

But, he realizes that is no longer the case.

If he were to die, he would lose you. Not only that, but Xiao is bitterly familiar with the poisons of guilt, shame, and sorrow after losing someone he loves. He can't bear to imagine your tears or your sobbing if he were to give his life up for what he deemed as freedom. Besides, he is constantly reminded on quiet nights such as these that he has nearly achieved that complete freedom. Not freedom from his duties, not freedom from his karma, but freedom from loneliness. Ever since you arrived, Xiao has gained friends, he has a slight following, and he, ultimately, has you— and you are everything to him. There are rare times when he won't even think about Rex Lapis when it comes to you. Xiao has set his subconscious priorities straight, even if he hasn't realized it.

Even when years come to pass, even when decades and late centuries take over peaceful days like these, Xiao will never forget you. He will continue to cherish you long after your death, though he prays that the day will never come. Xiao, back before meeting you, would've only hung his head low for your family and friends if your death had passed and reached his ears. But now? He's afraid that he'll never be able to let you go— he may revert to consulting Hu Tao constantly so she could check and see if you'd still remain that ghostly realm of hers.

Xiao's hand twitches at the thought. He realized that he may end up mourning far more from your death than his own God's. He has never been vocal about his anxieties, but you're well aware that he'll sacrifice the whole world and even himself just to keep you alive and well. He recalls a time when you were bedridden, sickly, and in pain from a virus. You never allowed him inside your room during that, but he nearly cried himself to death, begging to the Gods and Celestia that you would come out of that room some day, alive, living, and free. During his nightly visits outside of your bedroom door, you would talk to him in spite of your coughs and sore throat. You would tell him about a particular northern star that shines into your bedroom window at the darkest midnight hour and how, when you recovered, you would love to see it closer on the roof with him.

Funnily enough, those words were spoken exactly one year ago from this day, and here you are. Northern star in view, galaxies hanging above, and you lay here on the roof with Xiao.

Tonight isn’t special; it was never supposed to be. But somehow, with you being here, Xiao being here, and with the moon illuminating the scenery around you two, it's safe to say that tonight and perhaps every night always ends up as a special occasion. He looks over at you. You're asleep, and you have the faintest smile on your lips, and it contaminates his with a smile of his own.

Maybe every night is a special occasion, long as it's spent with you.

[jakeotters]

Raymond Leon x Reader ask? Leon doesn't seem to have many friends, real friends in the movie. Maybe he once did but they're all gone now, timed out or killed because they couldn't get out of the ghetto like he did. Can you write a drabble where he makes an arrest and criminal/reader winds up being the only kid of one of his old friends and he feels protective because she's the last piece of a life he left behind? And of course he catches accidental romantic/naughty feelings!

i absolutely adore raymond, thank you for requesting him 💖

lonely (raymond leon x afab!reader)

warnings: age gap (obviously, raymond is ???? and reader is in her 20s-30s), mentions of death, slight nsfw/mentions of smut (just raymond’s thoughts, nothing actually happens)

author’s note: we as a society need more raymond leon fics 🙏

wrote this at 1 am so i apologize if it’s not the best

it wasn’t uncommon to see raymond taking late night walks by himself or sitting at a restaurant table alone, his apartment was too big; too quiet. outside of his work, raymond was lonely. he’d never admit it, but it was a loneliness that dragged on along with him, creating an empty, clouded space in his life.

once upon a time, raymond wasn’t so lonely. he had people he considered friends, people he cared for.

some would say that he was the last of his kind. that he was the lucky one, the one who got out of the ghetto and was able to make a life for himself, unlike those he had to leave behind. his memories of them were distant and scattered, replaced by the loneliness that had started to consume him after their deaths.

when he’d first met you, you’d been caught for time theft.

you hadn’t meant to steal time- in fact- you didn’t steal it. you’d run into a man in a bar and he offered it to you. it wasn’t until after he’d transferred 50 years to you that he began exclaiming that you’d stolen it from him. drunk or insane, you didn’t know. you figured both.

raymond looked at you as he took your arm, transferring the “stolen” time, and cuffed you. your face was familiar, your eyes holding a familiar light that he once saw in someone else. he shook the thought out of his head, leading you to his car.

when he asked for your name, you told him. he immediately stopped walking, freezing in place. he told you about how he’d known your father.

your eyes widened as he spoke. you’d never met anyone who knew your father- your father had died when you were young. your memories of him were just as distant and scattered as raymond’s.

“you did? but you’re a timekeeper-”

you looked at raymond for the first time. his hair was black, slicked back and his pale blue eyes staring into yours, his hands gripping your arm so tightly you swear you could see the white in his knuckles.

“i grew up in the ghetto. i got out.”

raymond was short with you. it was obvious to you he didn’t like talking about his past, or maybe he’d just never had anyone to talk about it with. you understood, though, that he’d lost people. you didn’t push, going silent once again.

he loosened his grip on your arm, carefully transferring the time back to you.

“when your father died, i’d lost the last of everything i knew. why waste such a pretty little thing like you?”

-

eventually, you’d started staying with him. he was gone most of the time anyways. when he returned home at night, he’d find you asleep on the couch. he’d gently pick you up and carry you to bed, laying you down.

raymond always thought about you. his thoughts plagued him, distracting him from his work and making it hard for him to focus.

when he laid down in his bed and closed his eyes at night, he could only see you. the way you’d look underneath him, your body exposed and just for him to feel, to kiss, to hold as he thrusted in and out of you.

on top of all of this, he had an unyielding feeling to protect you. to protect this last piece of life he had, this last reminder of his past.

he let you stay with him because he knew it was dangerous for you to walk around with that much time. you didn’t mind, you figured if anyone was skilled enough to protect you it was him.

but, you gave him something so much greater than all of the time in the world could give him. for the first time in as long as he could remember, he wasn’t lonely. his apartment was no longer too big and too quiet for him. and, for the first time in his long life, he felt something else: love.

masterlist

[kori-dearest]

Aoughh lamb designs 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 design notes under the cut

Pre genocide:

- in my heart sheep society was a small closed city with many, smaller nomadic groups, mostly moving around to sell luxury artisan goods like wool and textiles <333

- The Vessel (who I’ve named Latifamb, I’ll explain it later) was a traveling guard for one of these merchant groups, hence why he is already skilled with many of the weapons The Crown provides.

-the way sheep names work is a lamb gets a given name, and their family’s suffix is put at the end of that name. So The Vesseel’s given name is Latif, and his family suffix is -amb.

-i love tassels, so a lot of their clothing is tassel based <3

- their colors are mostly blue to make the white of their wool look even whiter.

-cleanliness is wildly important to Sheep, as their wool is their livelihood.

- Latifamb keep his wool as long as he can without it getting in the way of his work, mostly because his coil pattern is perfect for many of the crafts his partners enjoy making.

- he has a husband and two wives, all of whom he adores with his entire heart <3 this is shown with two earrings in his left ear, and one in his right, all three handcrafted by the spouse they represent <3 one of his wives was pregnant, and he was preparing to have a nose piercing to signify his new role as a father when news of the Bishops’ genocide came.

Sacrifice:

- Latifamb was out of the city on a job when the news first hit, and though the group tried to return to their city before it got really bad, they were too far away to make it in time. Latifamb’s family was gone, and he removed his jewelry to signify their passing- only leaving the earring of his pregnant wife in hopes that they would meet again, and he could properly meet his son.

- he did his best to protect his group, but eventually failed, and ran to protect himself. He feels an unimaginable about of shame for leaving them, despite the fact that they were dead long before he could have saved them.

-he becomes malnourished and thin, his wool oily and falling out from stress.

- he develops a limp in his right leg, one he never seems to shake

- he was finally captured and put to sacrifice, his clothing ragged and his wool dirty, wishing for nothing but a quick death and to see his family in the afterlife.

-instead, he became The Vessel.

Cult Leader:

- Latifamb continues the Sheeps’ naming convention, allowing each follower to keep their given name, and just adding the Amb suffix, because they are all his children now <3

-he learns that death is not the end for sheep, and reconnects his earrings- as well as gets a nose ring for his never-born son

-as the years go by, Latifamb forgets his own name, only remembering his family suffix. The One Who Waits calls him The Lamb, so… that must be his name.

- there are very few animals with wool left, so locking his wool seemed the easiest way to keep it protected.

- the lamb adorns his locks in gold rings to signify each of his followers, removing and replacing them as his flock grows and wains.

- he still needs shearing now and then, and he makes a minor celebration out of it- mostly a feast, and he makes a show out of teaching his disciples how Sheep would handle their wool and make crafts with it, allowing younger followers to use his wool in their own works.

- he is a gentle, quiet soul. He treats his followers fairly, and would do anything for them. He’s very well known for his occasional rambling life lesson stories- if you ask him for any advice he’ll give it to you, but you definitely have to hear one thousand years of Lamb Lore before you get a straightforward answer.

-he visits Narinder often, mostly to chat between missions. Though he adores his followers…. It’s much easier to talk to someone who actually understands the loneliness of eternal life.

-he has a little pouch on his ankle which he keeps a single coin in. He gives it to Narinder every revival as a small “tithe” for revival. Narinder never asked for it, nor does he ever require it, but they’re both so used to the habit that they just can’t seem to stop.

[anxious-critter]

A Few Days Ago There Was A Small Discussion On Twitter About A YouTuber Who Claimed That Rayman Fans Should Be Disappointed With His CLH Version. ~

I Think It's Very Presumptuous For People To Say That Ramon In CLH Is Disrespectful To The Original When Both Characters Are Literally The Same Person Who Ended Up Going Through Different Lifes Experiences.

Let's Do A Little Character Analysis? ;)

First Of All Just Letting You Know That My Area Of Study Is In The Phenomenology Of Perception, So We'll See How The Way Ramon Perceives The World Around Him Has Shaped Who He Is.

I Also Think It's Important To Highlight That This Analysis Should Not Be Aimed At Real People, So Please Don't Derail. ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

We Start With The Fact That Ramon Moved Into Dolph's Reality At A Very Young Age, He Probably Grew Up Isolated And Rejected From Society With The feeling Of Being The Only One Of His Kind And He Remained The Aloof "Weirdo" Even When Eden Arose.

He Became The Funny Charismatic Creature, A Mascot For Eden, Even With The Spotlight On Himself He Continued To Be Dehumanized By Those Around Him.

Observing His Home We Can Notice How Empty It Is, The Furniture Is Small Because Of His Height Which Makes The Apartment Seem Even Bigger, With The Exception Of The Tv, This Not Only Demonstrates The Way He Feels Among Humans [Such A Small Being In A World That Doesn't Welcome Him Very Well], But Also In The Way That "Being On Tv" Occupies A Large Part Of His Life.

And We Also Have All This Mess, This Not Only Indicates That He Doesn't Want Cleaners In His Apartment, This Also Ends Up Demonstrating His Mental State... A Complete Mess.

He Really Cares About Children, Especially Hybrid Children Because He Sees Himself In Them, He Genuinely Believed He Was An Inspiration To Them But In The End He Was Just A Puppet Being Used By Those Who Practice Everything He So Abhors.

Suffering Speciesism From Red And Being Censored When Trying To Defend Himself Was Also A Trigger For Him And That's Why He Got So Drunk That Night. Money, Fame, Eden, None Of This Prevented Him From Suffering Discrimination Again. Things Don't Get Better For Minorities, In The End.

About Substance Abuse, People Will Try To Deal With Their Traumas And Loneliness In Many Different Ways And Substance Abuse Ends Up Being One Of Them, Basically An Escape Route From His Own Mind. It's Not Pleasant To See, But It Unfortunately Happens.

Knowing That Things Are Not As He Thinks And That He Was Being A Part Of This Was Too Much For Him, He Never Wanted Something Like This After All And As If It Wasn't Enough To Be Replaced Soon After, They Were Never Interested In Who He Was On The Inside, They Just Wanted A Friendly And Face To Spread Their Lies.

Rayman Using Weapons Is Nothing New And Knowing That Ramon Doesn't Have Powers [Or Doesn't Know How To Use Them] Using Guns Ended Up Being The Safest Way For Him, Killing The Council Was Not Just An Act Of Revenge, It Was Also An Act Of Despair, Fear, Guilt And Anger.

So On One Side We Have Rayman, Who Grew Up In A Healthy Environment With Loved Ones Around Him And On The Other Side We Have Ramon, Who Has Spent His Entire Life Trying To Fit In And Begging, Begging For Mercy, Begging For A Job, Begging For Acceptance...

In The End, They End Up Being The Same, But They Have Gone Through Different Life Experiences And Different Ways Of Dealing With Life's Difficulties, In The End, The Way We Perceive The World Around Us Ends Up Shaping Who We Are.

This Turned Out To Be Simpler Than I Intended, But Thanks For Reading. (⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠)

MY FIRST TEXT HERE YAY!!! ＼⁠(⁠◎⁠o⁠◎⁠)⁠／

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, I'm INTJ. I have limited social network. At work or family friends etc I come across many people and I do the needful which is required socially. But deep down, I feel very lonely. I crave for certain connection based on interest, authenticity but that doesn't happen easily.

It is very difficult to find someone with interest like mine. I'm very bore person that way. Though, for sake of socializing, I try to learn something about topics of common interests, it keeps me unsatisfied. There are few groups, social media but it cannot replace human connection

Recently, I started reading quotes from poet Rumi and it is giving me some sort of peace im looking for

I just thought to write in here, is this related to personality or any other thing. What can be solution. Thanks in advance!

---------------------

Statistics show that loneliness is a growing epidemic in modern societies. Loneliness can feel like a troubling void inside, and many lonely people fantasize about finding that one special person to fill it. Not only is this a myopic approach to the problem, but to expect one person to fulfill all your social needs is a big burden to place upon their shoulders.

Contrary to popular belief, having similar interests is only one of many possible ways to build a friendship. It's actually not always the most important factor for friendship compatibility, so hyperfocusing on it might be detrimental to your search. Being Ni dom, you are in the minority, so it's understandable to feel out of place or misunderstood. However, keep in mind that a person need not have the exact same interests as you in order to understand you; they only need to be an empathetic person with good social skills.

Loneliness is more complex than finding one special friend. There are many factors that could lead to a person ending up lonely, so you'll have to dig deeper to discover which factors affect you the most. Common factors include:

1) Personal Issues (that usually present as passivity, indifference, ambivalence, laziness): What you basically said is that you expect great relationships to happen while only putting in minimal effort to build them. Would you want to be friends with someone like that, i.e., someone who refuses to invest anything unless they are guaranteed what they want in return? You say you're very lonely and want a better social life, yet your mechanical "dutiful" behavior sends out an unwelcoming vibe. Is it reasonable to expect others to care about you when you can't express any genuine care for them?

The first step of making good friends is learning how to BE a good friend. This could relate to function development in that your expectations aren't realistic (immature Ni) and you haven't yet learned the lesson of "you reap what you sow" (immature Te).

"You reap what you sow" is very fitting when it comes to relationship building (both romantic and platonic). New people are unknown entities. People are complicated and contain multitudes, so you have to spend enough quality time with them in order to learn who they really are and make a sound judgment about long term compatibility. Studies have been done on this and, on average, it takes at least a few months or a couple hundred hours of effort to turn an acquaintance into a good friend.

Too often, people make snap judgments based on a "gut feeling" or the nebulous concept of "chemistry", which leads them to cut off the potential for relationships to grow and develop over time. In most cases, when you're dealing with normal everyday people, the judgment of long term compatibility shouldn't be very easy to make. If you believe it's easy, it could be an indication that you're too superficial or judgmental, which is a form of self-sabotage.

Have you been open and honest with people about wanting more friends? Have you been proactive and assertive in putting out "invitations" to build friendship? Can you honestly say that you've given people enough of a chance? Can you honestly say that you've made every effort to take advantage of opportunities to develop friendships with the people you've known throughout life?

If you've answered "no" to the above, then there's something about you that needs to change. Perhaps there's a blockage inside you. If you're unable to figure out what exactly is preventing you from succeeding in relationships, consider working with a therapist to get to the bottom of it. Willingness to work on oneself is an essential ingredient to getting better at relationships.

2) Poor Social Skills: Some people aren't able to take advantage of friendship opportunities due to not knowing how to socialize. Ideally, people learn to socialize well in childhood and adolescence, but there are many reasons why social development doesn't go as expected. Fortunately, whatever the reason behind poor social skills, it is a solvable problem. Social skills are called "skills" because they can be improved through learning, study, and practice. I have already written about it and recommended books on the resources page.

Introverts tend to sit around waiting for things to happen rather than making things happen. You have to ask yourself how badly you want something. If you want it badly enough, you should have the motivation to do what it takes to get it. "No input, no output" is something healthy Te should understand very well.

Imagine you went to a party, social gathering, or a conference where you only knew a handful of people out of a hundred attendees. What would you do? Most people (and almost all introverts) would stick close to the people they already knew, using the known group to cautiously explore the strangers. Few people would make it their mission to meet each and every new person. Even fewer people could insert themselves into already established social groups and quickly carve out their own space, position, or role. Yet it can be done. Excellent socializers exist and they can make friends everywhere they go, no matter the occasion.

I've known many great socializers and they have certain things in common. Socializing well requires the ability to drum up courage, since you constantly have to face down the possibility of rejection. It requires good conversational skills that allow you to join seamlessly into discussions and express yourself in a way that is both authentic and well-received. It requires resilience and not taking failure personally, so that you can quickly recover and try try again. Most importantly, it requires an attitude of openness, trust, and a willingness to be vulnerable.

Openness means being able to see and take advantage of every good possibility. Great socializers don't put all their eggs in one basket and look for only one person to fulfill all their social needs (which is unreasonable). Rather, they throw open every door in order to get a good look at each person they encounter, which creates a variety of ways to get everyone's social needs met.

Trust means giving people the benefit of the doubt and being relaxed enough to go with the flow. Great socializers don't hold back or try to control social situations (which reveals insecurity). Rather, they really believe in people and try to access the positive aspects in every social situation.

A willingness to be vulnerable means being able to express yourself freely and naturally. Great socializers don't expect people to understand each other right away (which is unrealistic). Rather, they make themselves as approachable and relatable as possible in order to maximize the opportunities for deeper emotional connection. They proactively work to understand and fulfill people's needs in order to encourage reciprocation.

If you find yourself in a pattern of being unable to get past acquaintanceship, then you might need to improve your social skills and nurture the qualities in yourself that make you a more attractive candidate for friendship. It's not about turning yourself into someone you're not but about doing more to enhance and express the positive attributes you already possess, as well as learning how to bring them out in others. Everyone has positive attributes but not everyone knows how to express them and put them to good use. You should be using them to signal to people that you have something meaningful to offer in a friendship.

3) Unfavorable Environment: There is no doubt that some environments are better than others for meeting new friends. For instance, a small town where everyone already knows each other isn't going to present many new opportunities. The workplace isn't always great either, if it's the kind of soulless environment where people only show up to get paid.

When you live in a place without much friendship opportunity, you have to be proactive and either i) create more opportunity or ii) go to where there are more opportunities. For example, if you live in a small town, maybe you need to give people a second or third look to make sure that you haven't misjudged them. Or if you're finding people with similar interests online, the next step would be to meet them in real life, or at least speak rather than just text.

It is very limiting and even small-minded to approach loneliness as merely an individual problem. One reason modern societies suffer more from loneliness is that they've constructed an environment that doesn't foster and even discourages connections between people. For example, living in an individualistic and WEIRD society like the US, people often strive to be independent, live in detached houses, and set up private life to have as little interaction with the public as possible. Then they turn around and wonder why they feel empty or disconnected.

Loneliness can't be completely resolved on the individual level because there are larger factors that influence the trajectory of everyone's lives. When you don't take these larger factors into consideration, whatever solution you find at the individual level is going to feel like a band-aid. People often settle for whatever friendship they can get, but if you really want to shake loneliness for good, you also need a community to belong to. This is what it really means to have a social support network.

Imagine what it would be like if you were in trouble and a whole village of people was willing to come to your aid? This would only be possible if every member of the village took their membership seriously - not just out of "duty" but also out of care. Be a member of something larger than yourself. It means caring about things that don't always directly relate back to you. It means taking responsibility for more than just yourself. It means nurturing a willingness to be of service to more than just your own desires.

Do you know why many soldiers aren't able to reintegrate back into civilian life after going to war? During the war, they were forced to join a very tight-knit community where everyone was responsible for each other's survival. All of their time was spent on service and contribution to a greater goal. Those social bonds were so strong and their sense of purpose was so constantly reinforced that returning to civilian life felt extremely isolating and empty.

The heart of loneliness isn't just about not having close friends, it's equally about not having a strong connection to society. Remedy this by getting more involved in your local community, e.g., through volunteering for organizations that you believe in or joining clubs with interesting activities. No matter where you are, there are always opportunities to get involved as well as worthy causes you could contribute your time and energy to. By making yourself properly useful, you'll be resolving a major cause of loneliness: lack of purpose. What do you believe in? What do you stand for? Instead of this endless search for one special friend, why not make it easier for friends to find you through a meaningful social identity?

[morethanwonderful]

Out of all of Wei Wuxian's traits, one of the ones that fascinates me the most is how incredibly casual and chummy he is with corpses. All the other cultivators are a bit desensitized to the dead by nature of their profession, yes, but Wei Wuxian in particular treats the dead very much the same as he treats living people, and I think it's simultaneously one of his best and most concerning attributes.

On the good side, the way Wei Wuxian treats the dead is absolutely an extension of his overall goodness and empathy. He stands on the side of those that are looked down on, and nobody faces more discrimination that the dead. He treats the dead like people because they are people, and they deserve to have their voices heard. That's what Empathy's for, and that's why he revives Wen Ning to stand as witness to his own murder. Wen Ning is not a thing! And even when Wei Wuxian is raising armies of dead Wens to fight on his behalf, we get illustrations of him giving a helping hand to a weak old corpse that can't stand on its own.

Wei Wuxian is painted in very deliberate contrast to Xue Yang, who treats the dead as tools and deprives them of agency. His closeness with them is a symbol of his kindness.

However, beyond treating the dead decently and like people, there is a point where his chumminess with them starts to get unsettling, and that's the point where it becomes a reflection of his loneliness and trauma. In particular, I'm thinking of his cuddliness with the ghosts he uses to torture Wen Chao and the corpse girls he's hanging out with when he invites Lan Zhan to drink with him. Because treating the dead with respect is a very different thing from having a corpse lay in your lap as you stroke its hair. And fierce corpses by definition do not have personalities (with Wen Ning as the exception that proves the rule), so treating them as companions to socialize with is rather concerning behavior.

So why is he like this? Isolation and trauma!

It's easy to understate the trauma of Wei Wuxian's three months in the Burial Mound, especially given that we don't see them play out but do get details about so many other horrible moments. But those three months? They Fucked Him Up. In particular, beyond the trauma of the near death experience (or presumably many many near death experiences in a row), he spent the better part of three months without seeing a single other living human. People are not meant to do that.

So what is a person gonna do when he spends three months in Worse Solitary Confinement? And when that solitude is spent on Fierce Corpse Mountain? He's gonna get really weird about corpses. He's gonna turn into the kind of man that would let a murderous ghost he's controlling lay in his lap as he strokes her hair, because for an extended period of time, that is the closest thing to human contact he's had access to.

And later, post-sunshot-campaign, Wei Wuxian does regain access to living humans and society, but he's still incredibly isolated. Just about everyone besides his siblings and Lan Zhan hates and/or is scared of him by the time we hit the scene of him and the fierce corpse girls throwing flowers, so it's no wonder he's hanging out with dead people. He already picked up the habit of replacing company with corpses once, so of course he doesn't see anything wrong with it. Maybe they're there as bodyguards, maybe he's just extremely lonely and doesn't have any human companions to drink with him, or maybe (probably) it's a mix of both. But in any case, it's a pretty clear expression of a horrifying degree of both past and present isolation.

That's why, though he doesn't lose his respect for the dead or his desensitization to touching corpses, we never see him just Hanging Out With Mindless Ghosts in his second life. It's a substitute for real companionship, not a healthy behavior, but lack of company is no longer an issue he has after being resurrected.

He doesn't need an entourage of corpse girls, because this time, when he wants company, he's always got Lan Zhan.

[bodyswappertransforming]

Could you turn me from a rich white man into the gay, undocumented, obese high school dropout Mexican janitor at my law firm? Make sure my new life is miserable and humiliating please.

Intrigued by the challenge, the writer responded with a curious proposal: "What if you woke up tomorrow not as Jonathan the lawyer, but as Miguel, the janitor at your law firm?" Jonathan, fueled by a mix of excitement and a desire to escape his mundane reality, agreed without hesitation.

The next morning, Jonathan awoke to a world unrecognizable. His spacious penthouse was replaced by a small, dimly-lit room in a crowded apartment shared with several others. He was no longer Jonathan; he was Miguel, a stout, middle-aged man with a gentle demeanor, facing a life laden with challenges far beyond anything Jonathan had ever imagined.

As Miguel, he had no legal documents, living perpetually under the radar of authorities, always cautious, always wary. His job as a janitor was grueling, a stark contrast to the intellectual challenges of law. Each day was a physical ordeal, cleaning after those who barely noticed him, his presence as invisible as the dirt he swept away.

Financial struggles were a constant companion. Miguel's earnings were meager, barely enough to cover the rent of his cramped living space, let alone the luxuries Jonathan had taken for granted. Food was simple, often scarce. Miguel's health suffered under the strain of his obesity and the physical demands of his job, compounded by a lack of medical care.

Socially, life was equally harsh. Miguel faced ridicule not just for his status but for his identity as a gay man in a community that was not always accepting. His interactions were tinged with a loneliness that Jonathan had never known in his previous life of affluence and acceptance.

Amidst this new existence, faint whispers of his old life haunted him. Memories of boardroom battles and legal victories flickered in his mind like distant stars, so far out of reach they seemed like dreams. Yet, these remnants of his former self brought no comfort, only a deeper sense of dislocation.

Jonathan, now Miguel, began to truly understand the invisible barriers and relentless hardships faced by those he had barely noticed before. His journey through Miguel's life was not just a story of swapping places; it was a profound transformation that reshaped his understanding of the world, teaching him the true meaning of resilience and empathy.

As Miguel, Jonathan discovered the harsh realities of life on the fringes of society. Each day began before sunrise, and he trudged to the law firm where he once dictated legal strategies. Now, he was responsible for cleaning the very offices he used to occupy, a humbling twist of fate that served as a constant reminder of his new reality.

The work was physically demanding and monotonous. He scrubbed floors, emptied trash bins overflowing with discarded confidential documents, and cleaned bathrooms that were messier than anything he had ever had to deal with in his previous life. His coworkers, unaware of his true identity, often overlooked and dismissed him. Sometimes, they mocked his weight or made derogatory remarks about his sexuality, each word a cut to his dignity.

Financial instability was another battle. Miguel’s paycheck was a fraction of Jonathan’s former salary, barely covering basic necessities. He often had to choose between paying for food or sending money to help his family in Mexico. This constant financial stress was compounded by his fear of deportation, a specter that loomed over even the simplest joys, like a walk in the park or a visit to a friend.

Despite these hardships, there was something about Miguel’s life that resonated deeply with Jonathan. The stark contrast to his previous world of privilege brought a perverse thrill—a raw, unfiltered existence that he had never known. This gritty reality, so different from his sanitized past, strangely invigorated him.

Jonathan, as Miguel, also encountered moments of profound humiliation that were oddly stimulating. Being scolded by former peers who didn’t recognize him, or being dismissed and talked down to by those he once considered equals, twisted his perception of power and identity. Each day blurred the lines between degradation and a bizarre form of liberation from his former self-imposed constraints.

Throughout this experience, fleeting memories of his life as Jonathan would surface—echoes of a man who walked with confidence, who commanded respect just by entering a room. These memories clashed violently with his current existence, where respect was a currency he could no longer afford. This dissonance created a complex tapestry of emotion, intertwining regret, intrigue, and a newfound understanding of the world from the very bottom of society’s hierarchy.

In his new life as Miguel, the financial pressure eventually reached a breaking point. Despite his best efforts to manage his scant earnings from the janitorial job, the cost of living combined with his responsibilities to send money to his family in Mexico left him perpetually on the edge of financial ruin. Desperation led him to consider alternatives he'd never have thought of as Jonathan.

After a tip from a fellow janitor, Miguel hesitantly entered the world of escorting. The work was secretive and precarious, especially for someone undocumented, but it paid significantly more than any other job he could find without a proper work visa. This new venture, though fraught with risks, offered not just financial relief but also an unexpected, dark thrill—a continuation of the exploration of his identity in this starkly different life.

Each client brought a different set of expectations and encounters, ranging from mundane companionship to more intimate and challenging demands. These interactions were often laced with a mix of humiliation and empowerment. While some clients respected his boundaries, others treated him with a disregard that echoed the demeaning experiences he faced daily as a janitor.

The humiliation was often stark. He endured disparaging remarks about his background and appearance—harsh reminders of his vulnerable status in society. Yet, each encounter left Miguel with a complex feeling of control over his circumstances that he had never felt as Jonathan. It was a control born of necessity and survival, a way to assert some agency in a life that had stripped so much away.

Simultaneously, Jonathan's lingering memories of his former affluent life painted these experiences with an additional layer of surreality. Remembering lavish office parties and respected courtroom battles contrasted sharply with the clandestine, often degrading world in which Miguel now operated. This contrast deepened his understanding of societal structures and personal agency, challenging his views on dignity, morality, and the human condition.

In this shadowy sideline, Miguel found not only a means to survive but also a perverse form of liberation—a way to live out a life completely removed from the societal constraints and expectations that had once defined Jonathan. The dual life of a janitor by day and an escort by night was a dramatic departure from his past, offering both a stark view of the underbelly of society and a powerful if troubling, reflection on identity and transformation.

In his new life as Miguel, the financial pressure eventually reached a breaking point. Despite his best efforts to manage his scant earnings from the janitorial job, the cost of living combined with his responsibilities to send money to his family in Mexico left him perpetually on the edge of financial ruin. Desperation led him to consider alternatives he'd never have thought of as Jonathan.

After a tip from a fellow janitor, Miguel hesitantly entered the world of escorting. The work was secretive and precarious, especially for someone undocumented, but it paid significantly more than any other job he could find without a proper work visa. This new venture, though fraught with risks, offered not just financial relief but also an unexpected, dark thrill—a continuation of the exploration of his identity in this starkly different life.

Each client brought a different set of expectations and encounters, ranging from mundane companionship to more intimate and challenging demands. These interactions were often laced with a mix of humiliation and empowerment. While some clients respected his boundaries, others treated him with a disregard that echoed the demeaning experiences he faced daily as a janitor.

While an escort he was pissed on. Tied up and lashed. He was often not paid or his pimp to take his money.

The humiliation was often stark. He endured disparaging remarks about his background and appearance—harsh reminders of his vulnerable status in society. Yet, each encounter left Miguel with a complex feeling of control over his circumstances that he had never felt as Jonathan. It was a control born of necessity and survival, a way to assert some agency in a life that had stripped so much away.

Simultaneously, Jonathan's lingering memories of his former affluent life painted these experiences with an additional layer of surreality. Remembering lavish office parties and respected courtroom battles contrasted sharply with the clandestine, often degrading world in which Miguel now operated. This contrast deepened his understanding of societal structures and personal agency, challenging his views on dignity, morality, and the human condition.

In this shadowy sideline, Miguel found not only a means to survive but also a perverse form of liberation—a way to live out a life completely removed from the societal constraints and expectations that had once defined Jonathan. The dual life of a janitor by day and an escort by night was a dramatic departure from his past, offering both a stark view of the underbelly of society and a powerful if troubling, reflection on identity and transformation.

s Miguel continued his double life, the hardships didn't relent, and an incident of abuse at the hands of a particularly cruel client triggered a flood of memories from his life as Jonathan. These memories were vivid and painful, filled with snapshots of a life once lived with authority and respect, sharply contrasting with the vulnerability and humiliation he now faced daily.

Driven by these resurfacing memories, Miguel began to assert to his coworkers and the attorneys at the law firm that he was indeed Jonathan, and that he had inexplicably transformed into Miguel. His claims, however, were met with disbelief and suspicion. None of the attorneys had any recollection of a Jonathan working with them. His insistence on this dual identity only served to alienate him further from the people around him, marking him as delusional or deceitful.

The situation escalated quickly. His behavior, perceived as erratic and suspicious, led to his dismissal from the law firm. Worse still, during the process of his firing, it was discovered that he was undocumented. The revelation triggered a swift response, and without the protections afforded by legal status, Miguel was detained and eventually deported to Mexico.

Arriving in Mexico, Miguel felt like a stranger in a land that was supposed to be his home. The environment was unfamiliar, the language spoken around him bore accents and slang that were alien to his ears, and the streets did not resonate with any sense of belonging. He struggled to reconcile his memories of Jonathan’s life with the reality he now faced as Miguel. This dissonance left him disoriented, struggling to piece together a sense of identity and purpose.

Miguel, who had lived a life of privilege as Jonathan, found himself in a foreign land that was ostensibly his origin. He was forced to navigate this new world without the comfort of familiarity or the resources that had once defined his existence. The cultural, social, and economic challenges of life in Mexico were daunting. He faced not just the task of survival but also the deeper, more painful process of rediscovering who he was in a place that did not recognize him, neither as Miguel nor as Jonathan.

[frostyblustar]

First off: I absolutely LOVED „stray, the wolf will eat your head“!!

Second: PLEASE DO TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE DETAILS AND SYMBOLISM IN IT!!

Oh my god where do I even start with this fic?? I’m just gonna talk about random things that pop in my head as I scroll through (this is gonna be long)

The Path is literally called ‘dull’ ‘straight’ and ‘boring’ but also ‘safe’. This alludes to the Path being a metaphor for straightness.

Why is the forest filled with seemingly random objects/places-? They pertain to Nico’s identity, but also queerness can seem confusing.

The singular boot represents Nico’s initial loneliness. They come in pairs, and he has no Bianca or Percy at this time. He feels utterly alone, and feels alone in his own struggles and initial feelings about the forest.

Why is Bianca mentioned to have a more gray dress than white when she’s based on the Girl in White from The Path?… Because it would make her ‘The Girl in Gray’ but I don’t think anyone has catched on to that. Also she represents a sense of innocence before venturing into the world/experiencing a traumatic event, similar to The Girl in White from The Path.

The wolf will eat your head is essentially saying if you trust a wolf, you’re brainless. They take away your wits. There is also the scarecrow with no head in the flower field that is kind of a mockery of this.

Where is Bianca’s body?

Her bones are in the scarecrow in the flower feild. Since she serves as a strawman for a lot of people arguing against the forest. She was stuffed in there by one of those people long after her death. She is resentful of her lover who left her body to rot.

How did she die?

Dirt. A mudslide. Yeah the line ‘You make it sound like the dirt killed your family.’ is supposed to be irony, but since Bianca’s death is never mentioned it’s not really anything you’d catch onto, just background info.

The sword in the stone reference is just based on Nico’s love for stories, but he also gains a means of defending himself through it if needed. I believe this could mean he finds stories like these fuel his curiosity and give him wits to hold up on his own? But really it’s just a fun thing.

Dianthus and green carnations are the two flowers in the flower field. Dianthus mean ‘Flowers of the gods’ while green carnations represent homosexuality.

The powerlines between two poles represent Percy and Nico having a connection.

Piano and flute. The piano is supposed to represent Italian heritage while the flute is a symbol of nature. Also, I looked up ‘gay instruments’ and a lot of people think flute players are stereotypically gay so… Yeah…

Why does Percy wear blue? Well cause boy in blue cmon I CANNOT PASS THAT UP! Blue also represents a lot of things like freedom, open spaces like the sky, and a lot of the times sadness.

Who is Percy referring to when he says he knew someone who knew flowers well? Honestly, probably Calypso, but it’s 100% an ex he had to leave after being treated like shit for being bisexual. That’s all I had written out for that. If you don’t like Calypso, I also thought Jason might fit this ex role.

Spotted feathers, from what I found, represent a scattered mind (which is why they bother Nico specifically after Percy is talking) I also used removing them as a way of showing Nico rebelling against society/tradition.

A lot of the language used is supposed to be transferrable into a different context. Replacing the forest with homosexuality makes things super obvious. Honestly too much of the dialogue is supposed to be like that.

Anyways that’s all I got off the top of my head, thanks for reading. Ask any more questions if you want, start a thread even! I can definitely elaborate on even things I’ve already brought up if you want that.

The link to the fic I’ve been talking about by the way.

[clau1r9i]

The Complex Interaction Between Insecurity and Friendship: Alice Swayne and Chise Hatori

ok so this post has been sponsored by @thornswoggled who has asked me to write about this (hiiii)

This is a post about an analysis that I wrote years ago to which I have added the part about how Alice would react if she knew the relationship between Chise and Joseph (you can skip everything and go to the end and get to that paragraph but you will not find new information either, I recommend read all for more context)

Ok i have to apologize, this is very long, i can´t do short things i just can´t i tried so get comfy

let´s staaart!

Introduction

This essay explores the psychological scars left by Alice's childhood, the common characteristics she shares with Chise, and the potential for rivalry between them as their relationships and place in society evolve.

The Psychological Impact of Alice's Troubling Past

Alice Swayne's personality is deeply influenced by her traumatic childhood, which can be understood in terms of *post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)* and *attachment disorder*. Abandoned at a young age and forced to survive in a dangerous environment, Alice developed a strong sense of loyalty, particularly towards Mikhail Renfred, who rescued her. However, this loyalty is accompanied by deep insecurities and a persistent fear of abandonment, typical manifestations of *avoidant attachment disorder*. Her childhood experiences may have caused psychological issues such as low self-esteem, anxiety, and a strong need for approval, characteristics of *dependent personality disorder*. These insecurities drive her to constantly prove her worth, sometimes at the expense of her own well-being. The trauma of her early life leaves her vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy and fear of being replaced or forgotten, especially by those she values most.

It can also be noted that this combination of issues may result in difficulty forming healthy relationships, hypervigilance, and feelings of guilt and shame regarding past attitudes and reactions.

Similarities Between Alice and Chise

Despite their different backgrounds, Alice and Chise share several significant characteristics that form the basis of their friendship. Both have endured painful pasts marked by abandonment and a longing for acceptance, which can be related to the concept of *existential loneliness*. This shared history creates an implicit understanding between them, as both know the pain of loneliness and the desire to find a place where they truly belong.

Their loyalty and devotion to their respective mentors, Renfred and Elias, also connect them, and both characters are willing to make significant sacrifices for the people they care about. Furthermore, both Alice and Chise struggle with insecurity and low self-esteem, often questioning their own worth. This shared vulnerability allows them to empathize with each other's difficulties and provide support when one of them doubts, which is an example of *social and emotional support*.

The progression of their relationship can be schematically outlined as follows:

Stages of Their Friendship:

Initial Distrust:

Description: When Alice and Chise first meet, there is evident distrust and rivalry, especially from Alice. This is partly due to Alice's insecurity and fear that Chise might be a threat to Renfred or that she might not be worthy of his time.

Respect and Recognition:

Description: As they interact more, Alice begins to see Chise in a different light. She recognizes her strength and value. This changes her initial perception.

Mutual Support:

Description: As their friendship deepens, Alice and Chise begin to support each other in times of need. Both have difficult pasts and find comfort in their mutual understanding. This mutual support allows them to grow both emotionally and personally.

There came a point where Alice found something she thought she would never find, someone she believed was similar to her, with a very similar past and seemingly similar traumatic consequences, which is why Alice makes an effort to guide and care for Chise. Essentially, we can see in the way Alice treats Chise the same relationship that exists between Chise and Philomela, albeit on a much smaller scale. However, thinking of someone as being just like you is a notion that can easily shift from love to hatred, and thus it should be discarded immediately. Someone can be very similar to you, but never identical. 

The consequences of this way of thinking are evident in the following.

Potential for Rivalry: Alice's Perspective on Chise

Despite the strong foundation of their friendship, the relationship between Alice and Chise is not without its challenges.

Initially, Alice might have viewed Chise as a competitor, particularly because Chise possesses unique and powerful abilities like Sleigh Beggy, which distinguish and make her valuable in a way that Alice might envy. The fact that nearly all characters show such interest in Chise could exacerbate Alice's fears of inadequacy, leading her to see Chise as a rival seeking approval and recognition, a phenomenon that can be understood in terms of *performance anxiety* and *evaluation sensitivity*.

An additional factor that could intensify the perception of rivalry is the apparent ease with which Chise forms and maintains friendships. Unlike Alice, who has struggled to establish deep and lasting connections due to her traumatic past and insecurities, Chise seems to have greater success in forming meaningful bonds with others. This perception that Chise has an innate ability to connect with people might make Alice feel more insecure, as she could interpret it as a lack of social skills in herself, which may be associated with *difficulties in forming interpersonal relationships* and *social inadequacy*.

The potential rivalry might also be fueled by differences in the nature of their relationships with their respective mentors. While Chise has a more emotional and close relationship with Elias, Alice’s relationship with Renfred, from Alice's perspective, is more professional and based on proving her worth (which she dislikes), reflecting an *anxious attachment disorder*, whereas from Renfred's point of view, it is a paternalistic relationship. Alice might feel that Chise has an advantage in receiving emotional support and guidance, which could make Alice feel neglected or undervalued in comparison.

Additionally, Alice might perceive that Chise is achieving what she herself desires: a sense of belonging and unconditional acceptance, something Alice has longed for but has not always received from Renfred in the way she wishes. This perception could heighten her feelings of rivalry, as Alice might fear that, in the eyes of her mentors, Chise is occupying a place she herself wishes to have, a sentiment that could be interpreted as *fear of rejection* and *self-image insecurity*.

All these terms can be encompassed under social comparison and intrapersonal jealousy.

The person Alice initially sees as her equal begins to have a seemingly better life than hers, a life and environment that forgives all mistakes, while Alice feels stuck, with stagnant personal relationships, and her mistakes come at a high price (Alice couldn't defend Renfred and as a result lost his arm, an arm that will not grow back).

Given all this, and considering the recent trending discussion here about Joseph/Cartafilus,

What would happen if Alice discovered that Chise is protecting and hiding Joseph?

The discovery that Chise is protecting Joseph/Cartafilus, a figure who has caused Alice significant harm, adds a complex layer to Alice's internal conflict. Joseph/Cartafilus represents pain and betrayal for Alice, and his presence in Chise's life might be seen as a personal betrayal by Alice. She could be overwhelmed by anger and frustration upon seeing Chise defend someone who has hurt her, intensifying her feelings of mistrust and insecurity. This act could make Alice feel excluded and dismissed, perceiving that Chise does not fully recognize the negative impact Joseph has had on her life. Additionally, Alice might face a profound internal conflict between maintaining her friendship with Chise and protecting herself from those who have caused her harm, which could trigger an identity crisis and doubts about Chise's loyalty. This would be a significant shock, potentially exacerbated by Chise's response or even if she chooses to remain silent.

[esoteriamaya]

Vulnerability: Healing The Body One Day At A Time.

Sometimes I want to stay private. Other times I want to open up. Staying hidden had been a sanctuary at one point. Not sharing with the world my feelings and what damaged me. I got tired of feeling burdens in my body, so at the moment where can I start?

In this present moment, I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm exhausted. I'm hopeless. It seems the descriptions of lower feelings doesn't end. I've tried ignoring these feelings, replacing them with good thoughts. Trying to keep an optimistic smile, but that fake smile started to hurt.. And the mask began to wear off one day at a time.

It hurts to feel loneliness, but the truth is nothing can steal your joy but whatever dried up emotions are left infiltrating the mind with unwanted banter.

Its like... I can point out my flaws and my differences but I can't face the truth. I'm tired of truth. It's all I see everyday.

And what makes it funnier? I'm an oracle, and all I do is be 100% honest with people, but with me.... I lie so the triggers won't push too deep. I've ignored the villain that was imposter syndrome, and constantly took life too serious... Until life became a big circus show. And I'm the circus freak giving my performance.

Im annoyed, and constantly fighting tears. When I would cry and have those battles on the ground screaming 'I can't do it', it told me to get up and pick myself back up. You've grown up... you can't waddle your way out of this one.

I had no clue what I was doing, and before I still didn't, this new phase of adulthood I'm entering seems too much to handle but this where reality starts to hit. You're getting.., old. Older. More mature. Buying a house, getting a new car, even creating your own family. Life started to get a little practical... I thought I'd be a kid forever. But I was only talking about the imagination. Its fun being an adult, its so much freedom. It's just... I'm not built for whatever this reality is trying to show us, but I'm still trying. I'm still bringing forth change in my mindset, being more resilient. And allowing myself to be more than what my mind is constantly saying to me.

I've faced myself so much in 2023... Like.. the amount of times I had to look at myself in the mirror and could not escape. And sleeping with a mirror facing your bed don't make it no better, just makes you feel the emotions quicker (i got an interesting feeling when it comes to mirrors... portals man, portals).

I guess society has gotten its grip on the depressed gang, I've been working my way thru it. Theres absolutely no way in telling people that its easy to let go. Just something you learn to process on your journey. I'm learning both can be true at once. I'm learning to figure out what works, even if it takes a journey to reveal itself to me.

So how is this effecting my body... I get random body aches, I've had to make several hospital visits.. all of which there was no idea where the problem was truly stemming from. The doctor would prescribe me pills, they'd work for a while. Then later... the pain would come back again.

When our bodies are feeling pain especially in the organs, theres a spiritual connection that is making that happen. I use spiritual loosely here, what I mean is that our bodies can be carrying a lot of unwanted emotions. Be it rage, stress, depression, anything we don't want to feel but finds its way stuck in the body it'll start messing with your insides later on. When our spirits cannot rely the message, our bodies will for us.. for better or for worse.

I've found out I have health issues I didn't know existed.. I'm joking, well not really. I had no clue what galbladder disease was and def not anything with the gut. Even though I'd have random stomach aches here and there I never knew this would actually be an underlying problem. I didn't think I'd end up with a bunch of problems and it taking years to fix... Although I can be stubborn, I finally changed the way I ate.. it's been helping a bit.. I always did physical activity, but I noticed in my my present reality (3-6 months) its every other day out of the week. That's okay.

With accepting this truth I learned to be open to it because I started bawling.. I was losing weight like a mf and I had to drop all my clothes, still gotta do it now, or just get them tighten up. But its overwhelming.

I'm exhausted all of the time. My body is always on 'stop mode'. I can't work like the average woman because it gets me tired quicker. It kind of irks me because I want to do a little more but I just can't.

I feel as if I'm running out of time and I just don't know what to do. My subconscious is showing signs of paranoid thinking and I just can't see why I'm still running from my own reality.

its. just. too. much.

Im exhausted. And I've barely done anything.

I'm learning to feel my pain. Processing the very things that forced me into an uncomfortable matter.

It hurts to feel the feels of others dualities, but what do I do?

I gotta make amends with the shit I've dealt with, make use of them and take stride with whatever info comes up.

That's the secret. Pay attention to any fears, worries and anxious thoughts you could be picking up on because it's showing you a gate way to whats missing.

[devastator1775]

"Her name is Anne. Please love her like we would have loved her. (Chapter 1 maybe?)

Summary: When you are immortal, there are rules you need to follow. Hide in plain sight. Be unassuming. When the time comes, vanish and start anew. V and Uzi have lived their many lives with these rules. An unspoken rule between them: never have children. It's better that way. Then, on the eve of the start of a new life together, something goes wrong …and now they have to decide how to deal with this accidental baby.

Immortality.

Eternal youth.

Not even for Drones, this was a thing. Drones aged: in programming, in mentality, their personality matrix – basically what housed what one could call a Drone’s ‘soul’ – matured and thus did the Drone in question. Their bodies would age as well, to the point where regular repairs wouldn’t suffice anymore. The outer shell would lose their shine and become weathered, joints and servos would lose their flexibility, programs would malfunction over time and hardware would wear out. A Drone would grow old, fade away …and die. They weren’t designed to last forever. Even sentient machines have their natural lifespan.

Unless you were Worker Drone Uzi Doorman and former Disassembly Drone Serial Designation V – just going by V these days. Their victory after the final encounter with the Absolute Solver had left both of them changed. It wasn’t enough that the Solver had killed N, taking him away from Uzi and V. No, it had a final card to play. A last curse, a vengeful courtesy of a dying eldritch abomination unwilling to let its enemies have the last laugh. Replacing old ‘gifts’ with new ones.

Uzi and V were immortal. Their bodies ever young, never aging, never malfunctioning, always healing, unable to let them die. Cursed to see their loved ones wither away while they remained.

More things changed over time for the two. They grew closer, as there were no others who knew what they were going through. In the face of eternity they found solace with each other. A close bond formed between them; a friendship which eventually turned to love.

As time went on, people around them were changing at how they looked at them. There were whispers in the streets, curious glances when they thought it wasn’t noticed. Uzi and V knew that something bad would happen if they didn’t do something. And thus, during a stormy night, the two immortal lovers packed up everything …and left. They vanished out of Drone society. They found a place for themselves, far away from prying eyes and potentially harmful intentions. Hide away until history became legend. Until the events of the past just became a scary story to tell young Dronelings.

And for a hundred years, it was enough.

Until the moment that it wasn’t.

When their shared loneliness became too much, they took a new step out of the shadows. They slowly returned into the light and into this new world the Drones had built for themselves. Even from their little hideaway, they had seen the expansion of the Drone population and the subsequent rise of town and cities around the Planet. In this New Age of Dronekind, they could hide in plain sight. Disappear into the masses and become just another face in the crowd.

But they knew they had to be careful. Their unique condition made them an oddity in this new world. If they were found out, who knew how people would react? With fear? Animosity? Someone with less than amicable intentions would be inclined to destroy them, or worse: capture them and try to copy their …affliction.

All that Uzi and V wanted was to live their lives, in peace and with each other. So they renewed their vows to look after each other. They would take every precaution they could think off. They created dozens, if not hundreds, of different backstories. Countless variations of where they were from, how they met and so on.

Uzi already had some self-taught knowledge about hacking, coding and other computer skills, but in the years leading up to the moment that they would start their lives anew, she learned everything possible in order to become a true master. She studied for years to collect every other tool and skill they would need to adapt.

V had to adapt in other, more permanent ways. Since every trace of Disassembly Drones had vanished over time, her appearance stuck out like a sore thumb drive and people would take notice if a Drone looked exactly like something that in the new world was considered an urban legend. So, despite Uzi urging that they would find another way; V did what she deemed necessary …and made several modifications to herself. She amputated her tail, removed more than a few weapons – keeping a few ‘just in case -  and altered her body so she would appear more like a regular – though, still taller than Uzi – Drone. Uzi insisted on V keeping her wings, though. Uzi even designed a pair of prosthetic boots for her, so they would appear more those of a common Drone. V still needed to walk with a cane, since her legs never fully recovered from the Sentinel attack all those years ago. 

And thus, once they felt like they were properly prepare, Uzi implemented the final touch: new identities for the both of them. And with new names, new skills and an entire world for them to travel, they ventured out.

They settled their first new home in a quaint little place in the mountains named Sparc Village, where they took residence in a house in a quiet neighbourhood. To their neighbours, they introduced themselves as ‘Iza and Violet Hatchway’. Keeping their background simple: Iza and Violet met in high school, where they didn’t see eye to eye at first but eventually found common ground with each other after ‘‘Violet’ had an accident, which had severely and permanently damaged her legs.

After school, they didn’t see each other for a long while, but met again some years ago and decided to pick up where they left off and started going out together. From there, ‘‘Violet’ and ‘Iza’s’ started relationship bloomed and they recently got married – with Violet teasing that ‘Iza’ was bawling like a Droneling when she asked, albeit ‘Iza’ insisting that it was the other way around.

‘Iza’ started working for the local administration as a software engineer – which gave Uzi the opening to lay the seeds for a new program that would help them in the future – albeit working remotely from home, because she was also ‘‘Violet’s’ primary caretaker. ‘Violet’, on the other hand, was an artist-  a little hobby V had picked up in their first century living away’ – and made her living selling her paintings and sculptures from their home. In the years that followed, they were known as a friendly, sociable couple that also tended to keep to themselves just as much.

For almost 4 decades, ‘Iza’ and ‘Violet’ truly had a great life, filled with friends and happiness. But then came the day that the ‘old couple of the neighbourhood’ wanted something new and decided to move away to a new town, saying that a change of scenery might be good for ‘Violet’s’ deteriorating health . A few weeks after the move, friends in Sparc Village would receive the heartbreaking message that Violet had passed away and Iza – sick with grief – followed soon. The small group of friend the couple had made over the years held a private and intimate funeral for them, bringing up happy memories and funny anecdotes.

In the meantime, in a city far away from the mountain village, some helpful neighbours helped a young couple move into their new apartment. As their identity chips indicated, their names were Nicky ‘Nix’ Vanderpoort, an aspiring writer who mainly wrote horror sci-fi with an eldritch touch, and her girlfriend Vicky Razborka, a former athlete who had to throw in the towel after an injury permanently damaged her legs and had decided to pass on her knowledge become a trainer instead. They were childhood sweethearts and had left their quiet town to make a life in the big city.

And this is how Uzi and V kept moving through the years. They lived their life through their chosen identities to the fullest and then …moved on, starting fresh in another place, with new identities and new lives. ‘New Chapters’, as they would come to call it.

More than often, they were already together when starting a new chapter. Sometimes, they mixed things up. One chapter, they were merely roommates and dated other people. But V and Uzi didn’t use this scenario often, finding that things were too complicated between them and it was impossible to have a full relationship with a partner if they couldn’t tell them the whole truth.

Another chapter, they were neighbours who couldn’t stand the sight of each other and fought almost every day, but tried to keep things as amicable as possible because they shared friends. Until during a friend’s wedding ‘Karen’ and ‘Vanessa’ got way too drunk and confessed that they had a crush on each other but were both too shy to admit it. A couple of month after that wedding, they moved in together.

There were Chapters that they spend living separate lives, living in different places but keeping contact with each other and meeting up from time to …passionately reconnect.

No matter which identity they were currently going through; every year, Uzi and V made the journey to the town that formerly housed the old Colony-3, to visit the graves of their old friends, Uzi’s parents …and N’s grave-site. It brought a form of solace for them, making sure they lived their lives to the fullest in their memory. And this is how it went for many decades, moving from one Chapter to the next.

Just the two of them.

Forever.

***

Every Drone City housed a Cradle Facility, where Drones couples went to combine their codes into a Untrained Neural Network – UNN for short - and create an infant Droneling that would over time form its own personality with minor influences of the parents’ ones. For practical reasons, these facilities were connected to the planet wide network that contained the residential data of every Drone on the planet. The systems these facilities houses – due to Uzi in another chapter having worked with the team that globally upgraded them – had a backdoor that allowed the immortal Drone to create new identities for them.

The only downside was they needed to be physically there for  the process, because Uzi believed that a hardwire connection would be the safest option for them. And this was why Uzi and V, on the twilight of their current lives, were there, in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep, to make the final preparations to start anew. It was also a lengthy process, which meant that one certain Drone was losing her patience while her partner was working.

“Uzi, I don’t want to rush you-“

“Which you are doing right now.”

“But-“

“Don’t you dare...”

“Is this going to take long?”

Uzi looked up from her laptop and scowled at her eternal partner. “V, I am making extremely difficult alterations to the hardcoded information on our internal identity chips, while running the program that will covertly transfer our funds and assets to our new accounts, unless you want to start our savings account from scratch?” When her girlfriend didn’t answer, she turned back to the laptop. “Didn’t think so. I am also installing a virus that will silently erase any info about our current lives over time, so that we won’t have overlapping data wherever we make our new lives.”

Uzi really didn’t like he grin that was forming on V’s face. “So …about 5 minutes?”

“Keep this up and I’ll make us sisters in our next Chapter.”

V gasped theatrically, dramatically holding her hand to her chest. “Not even suspiciously intimate stepsisters?”

“And I’ll make you the straightest, most boring sister ever.” Uzi grinned as she kept on typing. “A real study bug, doesn’t like to party, likes boys but is way too shy to talk to them, really into polka and-“

“Okay, okay, I’ll zip it.” V grinned. “Man, even after centuries you are still so easy to rile up, Purple thing.”

“And you’re still a psycho, psycho.” Uzi countered, glancing over at V to give her a teasing wink. She let out a deep sigh as V let her arms drape over her shoulders, giggling as V planted a kiss on her cheek. “V, I have done this hundreds of times. Why are you so nervous today?”

“Dunno…” V answered, nuzzling against Uzi’s cheek as she watched her beloved’s fingers fly over the keyboard, the sound of the keys clicking filling the control room of the deserted Facility. “It’s …like a feeling in my core. I’m expecting something to happen.”

Uzi just shrugged. “Well, there’s no need to think that. I have it covered. Security footage shows a loop of an empty building, the system in completely under my control and in a couple of minutes, we’ll be starting our new identities.” She could understand why V was a tad anxious, since she was feeling it too despite not showing it. It was always like this on the eve of their new lives. Neither of them really enjoyed doing this. It meant ending and starting another Chapter of their lives and leaving people they’ve formed a bond with behind. It never got any easier, only smoother.

Uzi’s words seemed to put V somewhat at ease. “Yeah, you got this.” She took a deep breath. “Sorry, Uzi. I’m not doubting you, it’s just… ”

“It’s okay, I know.” Uzi replied, putting in the final command before handing over a cable to V, as she plugged another one into the data port on the back on her neck. “Program is ready, plug in.”

V grabbed the cable and plugged int, unwillingly making a soft moan as it made the connection with the surprisingly sensitive data port, making her blush. She tried to ignore Uzi’s teasing – incredibly cute, though, smirk. “Not a word.”

Uzi just snickered as she initiated the program. Lines of codes started to run down their visor, with a progress bar slowly filling up. All seemed to go smoothly, until the computer that Uzi’s laptop was hooked on started to flicker.

“Uh, Uzi …is that normal?” V asked.

Uzi quickly looked at her screen. “I think that-“

Suddenly, the screens of the laptop, the Facility computer and the Drones’ visors lit up and the two immortals let out a pained yell as they both seized up. Sparks flew up from their bodies as their internal circuitry started to melt but simultaneously healed at the same time. Pain flew through their entire body, leaving them almost immobilized.

“U-U-Uziiii, doooo somethiiing.” V choked out.

With immense difficulty, Uzi reached out to her laptop and managed to slam her hand on it. With a loud pang, both drones got thrown on the floor, their wounds immediately healing as smoke still rose up from their visors.

With a frustrated groan, V managed to scramble up, rubbing her bad leg as she threw an angry scowl at Uzi. “WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT, MRS. ‘HUNDREDS OF TIME’?”

“Are you blaming me?!” Uzi yelled back as she popped up from the crates that she got blown into.

“You must’ve done something!” V bit back as she stomped her way towards Uzi.

Uzi jumped up and ran up the V, shoving her face inches away from V’s visor. “Well, maybe if someone didn’t rush me!”

“Screw-up!”

“Bite me!”

Panting heavily, they kept their angry staring session up for a few moments …and then threw themselves into each other’s arms, pulling each other closely against one another, relieved that their respective beloved seemed unharmed. Their lips met and immediately they latched onto each other, running their hands through the other’s hair and kissing with such a passion one would think they had been apart for years.

“Oh, my robo-God, are you okay?” V asked as she eventually parted her lips from Uzi’s.

“I …I think?” Uzi’s breathing shuddered, tightening her grip around her partner. “That …hurt.”

“I was so scared that-“ V pulled Uzi against her chest. “I’m so sorry for yelling at you, Uzi.“

“I know, V. Me too, me too.” Uzi released her grip and wiped away a digital tear. “I didn’t mean to accuse you either. I just-”

“I know. I know, no apologies needed.” V placed a hand on Uzi’s cheek and rubbed her thumb over her visor, before planting another prolonged kiss on Uzi’s lips. “I did try to rush you, after all…” She took a deep breath and – reluctantly for both sides – released Uzi from her grip. She groaned as she buried her face in her hands. Everything was still tingling from …whatever they just experienced. “So …what in the Solver’s soiled britches just happened?”

“I’ll find out.” Uzi ran to her laptop, which was slightly smoked but still functioning – for the time being – and checked her logs. After a few minutes of checking every line of her logs and running every analytical program she had in her arsenal, Uzi let out a surprised gasp. “So …good news, bad news.”

“Don’t tell me that we’ve triggered an alarm or something?” V groaned.

“No, we’re still in the clear.” Uzi began, but her expression betrayed something had gone amiss. “Good news: my program did its work. Our new identities are compiled and installed into our ID chips. Same goes for my virus, which is going to start its work in a couple of days. Our saving accounts have been transferred successfully as well.”

“So, what messed up?” V asked, she ran her hands through her hair to place it back in shape. Their little …malfunction – and their fiery make-out session – had really messed up her hairdo. “Seems to me that everything – mostly everything – went as planned.”

“N-not exactly ….It seems some employee here got sloppy and didn’t follow the proper protocol at the end of their work shift.” Uzi started to explain, looking very nervous all of the sudden. “They didn’t shut down the system as it should and left a …certain program running in the background while I was hacking. The two programs collided midway and caused a feedback loop, which …well, you felt what happened.”

“What kind of program?” V asked. She cocked her head when she saw the blush forming on Uzi’s visor. It suddenly dawned on her. They were in a Cradle Facility. What kind of program did Cradle Facilities primarily use? “Ooh, no. No, don’t tell me…?”

“Maybe nothing happened.” Uzi tried to reassure with a small voice, albeit sounding like she was trying to convince herself more than she was trying to convince V. “I mean, the people working here wouldn’t be dumb enough to leave a blank connected and-“

Suddenly, crying could be heard from the Facility’s main floor. V and Uzi stared at each other for a few moments, after which they both ran out of the control room and towards the crying. They ran through Cradle Stations, which were used to upload new codes compiled with the data of two parents into blank Untrained Neural Networks.

“Uzi…”

“Maybe it’s just a demo that got activated?” Uzi tried sheepishly. They ran, following the sound of the crying.

“It’s this way.” V called out, grabbing Uzi’s hand to pull her into the right direction.

“Maybe it’s not so bad?” Uzi tried again as they reached the source of the noise. They both froze in place. “Oh no …”

“Uzi…”

“This is bad.”

“Is that…?”

“This is so bad.”

Out of the various Cradle Stations that were in the facility, only one seemed to have turned online. In that one, someone had left a blank Untrained Neural Network; but now … Plugged into the Cradle, crying softly, was a small baby Drone. It opened its eyes when it noticed Uzi and V staring, revealing eyes who’s colors looked like swirling pools of purple and yellow.

“Uzi, please don’t say that-“

“We made a baby.” Uzi squeaked out, her eyes hollow and beaming pure panic. “V. We. Made. A. Baby!

“I see that!” V grabbed Uzi’s shoulder and shook her gently to snap her back into focus. “What are we gonna do with it?”

“Why ask me?” Uzi blurted.

“Uzi, if we leave it, someone is going to find it and –“

“And they will check her coding to find out who her parents are, I know!”

“’Her’?” V questioned. “How do you-“

“I just know and you do too, don’t tell me otherwise!”

Staring down at this accidental creation of new life, Uzi had only one thought: ‘this was bad’. While they could rewrite their ID Chips over and over again without problems; the coding that made up the Personality Matrix was a whole other thing. Not even Uzi had found a way to alter them. Those codes were permanent and unchanging, as it made up who a Drone was. And they could easily filter through those codes to find the parental donors and run those through the system to find them. And then they would find multiple identical matches, spanning throughout decades, even centuries. And then people would start asking questions, investigating things and there would be a strong possibility that the truth about two immortal Drones walking Copper-9’s surface would come out and then …who knew how people would react. Or how they would react towards this innocent infant. Its mere existence possibly put its life at risk.

Uzi’s eyes narrowed as she came to the conclusion that there was only one possible solution. “We’ll have to take her with us.”

“What?” V asked, taken aback. “No way, Doorman! We’ve talked about this!”

“Do you have any better idea?” Uzi asked as she unplugged the pill baby from her Cradle, the latter making happy chirps as it was being picked up. She ignored V’s sputtering when she handed the Droneling over to her. “You wait outside while I’ll cover our tracks. I need to make sure nothing in their systems can be traced back to us!”

Before V could object, the pintsized she-Drone had already run and left the former with a happily buzzing baby in her arms. She looked down at the infant with a scowl, who returned the gaze with a happy expression. “Don’t look at me like that, I’m not happy with this. I don’t like you.”

The infant just chirped cheerily in response, and something tugged at the corner of V’s lips, almost a soft smile. V shook her head and scowled again, getting a happy tune back again.

***

It had been some hours after Uzi, V and their accidental third member had left the Cradle Facility and made their way to a forest far away from any City. They’ve had been discussing on what to do with the baby, who had fallen asleep in the meantime.

“We can’t keep it.” V was pacing around, getting more and more annoyed by the situation. She had been very adamant about her opinion on the matter, while Uzi…

“I know, you keep repeating that, and keep your voice down, you’ll wake her up.” Uzi was sitting on the ground with the baby in her arms, wrapped in V’s scarf and rocking her gently back and forth to keep her asleep. “And what do you suggest we do? We’ve been at this for hours and we’ve been through all our possible options.”

V buried her face in her hands, more to muffle her groan than anything else. Uzi was right, they’ve had exhausted all possibilities. They couldn’t just leave it behind in the woods, that would be too cruel. If they left just left it with someone, they would likely run into the very same problems as if they would have left it in the Facility. And they couldn’t-

“Is there really no possibility we can keep her?” Uzi asked, jolting V out of her thought process. “I mean …it’s our-“

“No!” V snapped, making a startled Uzi recoil. V took a deep breath and smiled apologetically at her girlfriend. She knelt down in front of Uzi and held her face, rubbing her cheek with her thumb. “Uzi, we’ve had this discussion before, remember?”

Uzi sighed deeply. “I know.”

“We decided that we can’t have kids, no matter what.” V took a deep breath. “For one: we don’t know if it would have our …affliction. If she has, she’ll have to make the same sacrifices we have to make over and over again. Even after numerous decades, that is already hard on us; so, who knows what would it do to them? Leaving friends behind and starting over again? Living with the knowledge that they would live on, while the others around them fade away.”

Uzi nodded, digital tears forming in her eyes. She knew how their child would feel, because both Uzi and V had gone through those emotions throughout the years. That longing for an end that never would come. “It would destroy them….”

“And we have each other, but they …” V hesitated to finish her sentence.

“She would be forever alone.” Uzi sighed, tears rolling down her visor. “And if she doesn’t have our immortality …we’ll see her grow up, but one day she’ll grow old and …”

“And I’m not letting you experience that heartbreak.” V insisted. “Because that paint would be worse than what we felt with everyone else we have lost over our immortal life.”

Uzi looked down at the sleeping Droneling in her arms and took a deep breath, eventually looking up at V. “What are we doing to do?”

V started pacing around again, letting every possible route they could take run around in her mind. They couldn’t keep it. They couldn’t leave it with someone. It never was supposed to have happened in the first place. She was feeling more and more frustrated by the minute. This should never have happened. This …infant never should have been –

The former Disassembly Drone froze in her tracks when the thought made her realize what they – she – had to do. She slowly turned around to face Uzi, her gaze to the ground made her expression dark and foreboding. “Uzi, we …we have to get rid of it.”

Her eyes hollowed in shock as Uzi immediately realized what V was suggesting. She pulled the infant Drone tightly against her chest. “No, V, no-no-no, we can’t …you can’t just ….there must be another way!”

“If there was, we would have thought of it, Uzi.” V insisted. She walked over to Uzi and placed her hands on her shoulders. “And ‘we’ don’t have to do anything. I’ll do it.”

Uzi shrugged V off her, pulling the baby away from her. “But …your vow? It’s been centuries since you’ve …You …you aren’t that person anymore.”

V produced a fang-filled grin. “Hey, didn’t you say I’m still a psycho?”

“Yeah, as a joke!” Uzi objected, shaking her head frantically. “V, you can’t kill her!”

V took a deep breath. “Uzi! It’s the only way. This child never should have been born. Our curse, whether or not it will have it, will be nothing but pain for it. Think about it: all it will know is that either it will keep losing loved ones, or that one day we’ll lose them.” She placed a hand on Uzi’s shoulder. “And if it has our immortality, we’ll have to assume the worst case scenario: that there will be a greater chance that someone will find out. We’ll be hunted down for our abilities. We can’t let it live that life. Killing it …is the kindest thing we can do.”

Uzi closer her eyes, tear running down her visor.

“Right now, it’s asleep.” V pointed out softly. “I’ll make sure it won’t feel a thing. It’ll sleep through and just …never wake up. Fast, painless and merciful. It’s the only way.”

Uzi didn’t reply for several moments, breathing heavily while tears kept running. Eventually …she nodded. She whimpered as V gently placed her hands on the infant, unwittingly pulling it closer to herself. V eventually managed to gently pull the baby out of Uzi’s hands.

“Don’t follow me.” V instructed as she turned around and made her way towards the denser parts of the woods. She stopped for a moment to look over her shoulder. Her expression was sorrowful, her eyes screaming pain despite the words she had spoken earlier. “I’m sorry.”

With that, V deployed her wings and flew up in the air; leaving Uzi to sob alone.

***

V didn’t need to fly very far to find a nice open clearing. The stars were out at full force tonight, the sky littered with sparkles and light. The snowy terrain was filled with flowers, as nature had found its way back on Copper-9 in the centuries following the core collapse. It was a beautiful sight.

“At least your final resting place will be pretty, little one.” V stated softly as she gently placed the infant on the ground, making sure it was wrapped up comfortably in her scarf. She gazed down at the little one for a few moments, mentally preparing herself for the thing she hadn’t done in such a long time.

With a heavy sigh, she stood up and deployed her EMP Rifle. V had long ago made the vow that she’d never take a life again and got rid of most of her weapons, but she still kept a few in case they needed to defend themselves. She had kept her claws and swords, but her rifle she had modified that it would fire EMP bolts. An adult Drone would just be knocked down until its system rebooted, leaving them with a few missing hours of memories. But an Untrained Neural Network’s body was weak and very vulnerable. One shot of her EMP rifle would be enough. Fast. Painless. Merciful.

She took a deep breath and aimed her rifle at the sleeping baby.

‘I need to do this. It’s the only way.’

Her rifle hummed as it charged.

‘Just one quick fleeting moment and …done.’

The infant made a soft noise in its sleep. V felt her arm starting to tremble as her expression softened. She shook her head with a scoff and tried to look as resolute as she could.

“Stop acting like you’ve never done this before, V.” She whispered to herself. ‘It’s not the first baby you’ve …disassembled. Just …pull the trigger.”

V’s arm was really trembling and she used her other hand to keep it steady. Her scope was aimed directly at the sleeping baby.

‘It’s easy…’

Uzi’s baby.

‘Take the shot.’

Her baby.

‘Stop crying, V.’

Their daughter!

With a yell, V fell to her knees as tears started to roll down her visor. She couldn’t do it. How could she do it? This was their daughter. Their baby. She and Uzi had longed for a child for years, but they had convinced themselves they couldn’t, because of the very reasons V had given Uzi. And now …they had a baby. And she just attempted to kill her? Was she still the same monster that the Absolute Solver had turned her into back then?

Soft crying jolted V back to reality with a startled gasp. The baby Drone was crying loudly, sounding like it was in deep distress. She must’ve woken the baby with her scream. She frantically scrambled over to her daughter and scooped her up, pulling her tightly against her chest. “Shh-shh-shh, it’s okay. Don’t cry.” She planted a kiss on the top of her head, rocking back and forth as her tears never seemed to stop. “Momma is here. See? Momma is here.”

V lost track of time while she sat there, crying while she was comforting her infant daughter. But when she suddenly felt a pair of arms wrap around her and the baby, she wasn’t even surprised that Uzi had ignored her instructions and still had followed her.

Uzi nuzzled V’s cheek. “Oh, sweetheart.”

“I couldn’t do it, Uzi.” V eventually confessed as she caressed the Droneling’s head. “I couldn’t …I couldn’t do it.”

“I’m happy you couldn’t.”

“I wanted to kill your child, our child.” V sobbed softly as she nuzzled the baby against her cheek. “I’m a monster.”

“No, you’re not. You are absolutely not a monster, V.” Uzi denied softly, planting a kiss on V’s cheek. “You haven’t been that person in a long, long time. You just wanted to protect us. You wanted to protect her.” She paused for a moment. “But this is not the way to do so, V.”

V shook her head in agreement, sniffling. She smiled softly as she saw that the infant had fallen asleep again. She took a deep breath and looked over at her eternal partner. “Uzi …we still can’t keep her.”

“I know.”

“Everything I said …it’s still true.” V stated, sounding like she was trying to convince herself more than Uzi. “It wouldn’t be fair to her. We need to do something for her, but …I don’t know what.”

“I agree that we have to do something.” She smiled as V handed over their daughter to her, positioning her in her arms so she could sleep comfortably. They sat in silence for Robo-God knows how long, just staring down at their child as it blissfully slept. Eventually, Uzi spoke up, her tone cautious. “I …I think I have an idea.”

“You do?” V asked, a hint of hope in her voice.

“Yes …but it’s going to take time.” Uzi smiled, but it was sorrowful one. “-and my computer.”

***

Everyone who knew Hazel and Naomi knew how much of an odd couple those two were. When they met in Sprocketon High School, something instantaneously clicked between them. However, it was a fiery rivalry instead of friendship. While neither of the two treated the other with much animosity, there nevertheless was a tension around them. They always felt like they had to compete to outdo the other.

They went to the same sport teams. They tied as top of their classes. They often went after the same boys. They had the same taste in clothing, music and other forms of entertainment. One could argue that would have made them great friends.

Still, they couldn’t stand each other.

After High School, Noami and Hazel  both enrolled in Cogniton University for Medical learning – somehow never ending up as roommates – got their medical degree and both ended up– at different times – in Rivetdale Medical Hospital, ending up living in the same street.

There, to no-one’s surprise, they both developed a crush on the same doctor and competed for his attention. However, after a series of incidents where they both realized how much of an arrogant, misogynistic and egotistical blowhard that guy was, they decided to burry the hatchet and go out for drinks.

From that moment on, their rivalry turned to friendship and it didn’t take them both to realize how much alike they actually were …and how much they actually liked the other. When Naomi got thrown out of her house, it was Hazel that took her in, making their friendship even greater. And as their bond grew closer, it only took one kiss during a party for their latent feelings to emerge and swiftly rise to full bloom.

The very next year, they were married and they talked about extending their family. But tragedy struck as it turned out that an undiagnosed fault in Hazel’s coding made it impossible for her to have children of her own. No matter how much they tried, it would never succeed.

Unwilling to let their wish for children just die out, they turned to other options and applied for adoption. The progress was slow and it never seemed to go anywhere, but neither of them gave up hope. Even now, almost two years after they first applied, as they were watching tv as a massive storm raged outside their house, they talked about their possible future Dronelings. Until lightning struck and thunder roared, making Hazel yelp and drop her bowl of popped button cells.

Hazel scowled at her laughing wife as she started to pick up the tasty snacks. “Don’t laugh, I was focused on the movie.”

“I’m sorry, Haze. It’s just …that sounded so cute.” Naomi confessed with a giggle and a saucy wink, making her wife blush. She got up and knelt down. “Here, let me help you.”

Outside, the world lit up with a flash and soon thunder rolled over their house.

“Wow, it’s really going hard out there.” Hazel muttered. Storms always made her nervous. She gasped as lightning flashed again.

“Aww, I’ll protect you.” Naomi cooed as she pulled Hazel and her bowl of Pop-cells back to her feet.

Hazel placed the bowl on the coffee table and closed the distance between her and her wife, their visors almost touching as she gave her a seductive look. “You know what would make me feel better, Dr. Naomi?”

Naomi hummed as she wrapped her arms around her Hazel’s hips, pulling her tightly against her own hips. “Tell me, Dr. Hazel.”

“If we’d go to bed early ….”

“Good start.”

“We’d get very comfortable…”

Noami planted a few tender kisses on Hazel’s cheek. “Go on…”

“Then I’ll-“

They both screamed when the lights and the tv suddenly powered down, shrouding them both in darkness. They instantaneously started laughing hysterically.

“Well, call about a mood breaker!” Hazel laughed. “Gosh, your scream….”

“You screamed too!” Naomi objected with a giggle. She planted a kiss on her wife’s head and looked around. “Looks like we’ve blown a circuit. I’ll better check the fuse box.”

“Don’t bother. It’s not just us.” Hazel interjected. She pointed out to the side window, where they could partially see their neighbors’ house. The lights at Mrs. Mcdonavan’s were out as well and judging by the absolute darkness out every window, the streetlights weren’t functioning as well.

“Looks like a power outage.” Naomi concluded. “Well, I’m sure that-“

A loud knock on the door startled them both.

Naomi sighed and walked to their front door. “Who’d be brave – or stupid – enough to wander through a storm like this?”

“Maybe one of the neighbors checking in one us.” Hazel guessed. “Just tell ‘em we’re fine and send them-“

“HAZEL, COME QUICK!”

Hazel nearly stumbled over her own feet as she ran over the hallway. “Naomi! Are you-?” She gasped when she saw her stupefied wife down on her knees, holding an infant drone in her arms. “Is that-? How? What?”

“Someone left this baby at our doorstep, Hazel.” Naomi stated in a dazed tone. She pointed at a basket that probably held the infant. “In that…”

Hazel ran out the door and tried to spot whoever had left this child at their home. No-one as far she could see, which was strange. The streets were deserted. There was no way anyone could have left the area without a trace that quickly. They hadn’t even heard a car or anything. “I don’t see anyone.”

“Come back inside!” Naomi called out, as she quickly took the child into the house. She plopped down on the couch, wrapping a blanket around the pill baby. “Poor thing must be freezing.”

Hazel grabbed the basket and closed the door behind her, looking inside the thing to spot any clues about their mystery Untrained Neural Network foundling. There was an old red scarf, an old beanie, a choker where the engraving had been worn out so much she couldn’t make anything out of it, a pair of black rimmed and yellow tinted glasses, and … a note.

“Got some things and  a note here.” Hazel announced as she walked in, smiling softly as she noticed how her wife was making silly noises at the baby, which were evidently greatly appreciated, judging by the happy chirps they were making. She sat down next to Naomi and smiled at the little one. “Hi there, little stowaway. How did you get here?”

The baby chirped cheerily, looking around to scan its new environment.

“Such beautiful eyes you’ve got, darling.” Naomi cooed. “Aren’t they, Hazel?”

Hazel had to agree. Two-toned eyes like that weren’t too common, not without any sort of modifications anyway. Hazel unfolded the note and cleared her throat. “’Her name is Anne. Please love her like we have loved her.’ …nothing else.”

“’Anne’, huh?” Naomi mumbled as she tickled Anne’s visor. “Pretty name for a pretty girl, yes it is.”

Hazel giggled and held out her arms, smiling as her wife handed over the infant girl. Her smile grew wider as Anne’s eyes started to droop and suddenly closed, with little ‘ZZZ’s appearing on her visor. She turned to Naomi with a heavy sigh. “What just happened?”

“I think …we’ve been chosen to be …this girl’s parents.” Naomi stated quietly, not wanting to wake up the baby.

“Are you for real?” Hazel asked. “I mean, it’s a cute baby, but …I thought we were going to adopt?”

“Honey, we’ve been waiting two years, and we only recently got on the list to get on the list.” Naomi let out a heavy breath. “Hazel, from the moment we’ve first became a couple, we’ve talked about having children and becoming parents. We’ve endured so much hardship. We’ve been waiting so long; hold on to hope for so long. Our baby room has been ready for 16 months without any use. This little one is a gift.”

“I don’t know …” Hazel groaned. “It’s all so …unorthodox. I mean, we’re going to have to report this. Have her checked out by tech-medics. We’re going to have to deal with a lot of administration and red tape. There’s no guarantee they’re going to let us keep Anne.”

“So, you wanna keep her?”

“Of course, I wanna keep her!” Hazel whisper-shouted as she planted a kiss on her wife’s cheek. “Are you kidding me? She’s perfect!”

“In that case, we’re going to fight for her.” Naomi stated. “We’re not going to rest until we can call ourselves little Anne’s parents. But for now ….” She smiled softly as she looked down at the sleeping Anne. “I believe we have a perfectly good baby room for little Anne to sleep in.” She stood up and gestured Hazel to follow her. “And we better get to bed too. I have this feeling that we are going to have some pretty exciting weeks ahead of us.”

Hazel started to follow her wife up the stairs, but stopped when she set her foot on the first step. She looked over her shoulders to the note on their coffee table. She smiled. “Whoever you are, I promise we’ll love her like you would have loved her, and …thank you for trusting us with her. We’ll take good care of your little girl, our little girl.”

“Hazel?”

“Coming.” She rushed up the stairs, not wanting to miss putting their little Anne to bed.

***

Outside the house, two figures gazed down at Hazel and Naomi’s house. A few minutes earlier, V had deployed her EMP generator, knocking out the entire grid in the street and, with the cover of darkness shrouding her and Uzi, left their sleeping daughter at the door, knocked on the door …and flew out of sight. They had been hiding in the clouds, only landing down at the roof opposite of the young couple’s house after they were certain that these two Drones were going to take their baby daughter inside.

“So, …no-one is going to find out?” V asked with a trembling voice, holding on to a distraught Uzi, who was at the verge of crying.

“I-“ Uzi took a deep breath. “I’ve installed a program that’ll redirect any scanner to a dummy personality matrix with fake coding. If they’re going to try to trace back her parents, they’ll end up at a young couple who will have died a few days from now. As far as anyone will know …we aren’t around anymore.”

“I love the name we’ve chosen….” V stated, her voice small and broken. “Anne …N would’ve loved that.”

“That’s why I chose that.” Uzi whimpered, tightening her grip on V’s hand. “She’ll be alright here, right?”

“We’ve observed this couple from afar for days. They’re a kind, loving couple of Drones. Really involved with their community. They’re great with children. “They …they’re perfect. They’ll love Anne like she’s their own. This …this was for the best.”

“And what if she has our …affliction?” V asked.

“I guess …we must have faith in her that she’ll figure out things on her own.” Uzi answered. “Maybe …maybe, by some small miracle, she’ll find her way back to us.”

“Yeah …maybe.” V choked out.

A sob escaped Uzi’s throat as she threw herself in V’s arms, who couldn’t stop herself from crying as well. They stood there for who knows how long, just sobbing softly in each other’s arms. Eventually, V broke away from the embrace, wiping away a digital tear.

“Uzi …”

“No…”

“We have to leave now.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Me neither, but …”

“I know.” Uzi sighed, wiping away a digital tear. “Just …a few more minutes?”

V smiled softly and pulled Uzi against her. “Okay …a few more minutes.”

***

EPILOGUE: 16 years later

“Okay, where the flipping heck did my moms hide my snack stash this time?” 16-year old Anne asked herself as she rummaged around her parents’ closet in search of the box of Battery Bites that her parents had confiscated earlier that day. Something about ‘not wanting to ruin her appetite’. Nothing in this cabinet either. With a sigh, Anne stood up, smiling as she saw her own reflection in the mirror. She had to beg her parents so much to dye her hair, but it had been so worth it. Jet black with crimson red ends. So glitching rad. It went so well with her bright red jacket.

“Maybe they’ve hidden in on top of the closet again.” She told herself as she grabbed a chair. Even then, she had to tiptoe to reach the top of the closet. Curse her short stature that made her insanely cute also.

As she reached out her arms as far as she could, she suddenly felt her fingers brush against something. A basket or something? Her curiosity awakened, she stretched out herself as much as possible until she managed to get a good grip on it. She nearly tumbled off the chair as she pulled it towards her.

As she hopped of the chair, she confirmed it was indeed a basket. She walked over the cabinet with the mirror and put down the basket. There was something about this basket that drew her to it. Like …and old memory.

Curious, she pulled the first item out: a red scarf. An old scarf, by the look of it. She ran the fabric between her fingers. Why did it feel so …familiar. She held the scarf to her face and rubbed it against her cheeks. It felt so …comfortable. It brought out feelings of safety …and sadness?

She threw the scarf on her parents bed behind her and took out another item. An old grey beanie. She placed the beanie on her head, smiling at how good it looked on her. It felt …right to wear it.

The next item made her grin. It was an old black choker. “Wow, never knew my parents were into this fashion choice. Retro.” She chuckled as she put on the choker. Like with the beanie, it just felt right. It was weird, she never really had the urge to accessorize before, but these things were just calling out to her.

A pair of yellow tinted glasses were the last item she pulled out the basket, and she just put them on to try them out when she saw something at the bottom of the basket. A note? Perhaps an old love letter from her parents? She grabbed the note and opened it.

Her name is Anne. Please love her like we have loved her.

Anne felt her core freeze as she read the message. What was this? This was not her parents’ handwriting. She read the message again. As she felt all strength leave her legs, she stumbled backward until the back of her knees hit her parents’ bed and she plopped down.

“Anne? Anne, where are you?” Her mom Hazel called out. She appeared in the master bedroom doorway, her expression a mixture of stern and amused. “Are you trying to find your snacks, because …” She froze when she saw what her daughter was wearing and the note she holding in her hand. “Anne, where did you…?”

Anne’s voice was soft as she held out the note. “Mom …what is this?”

“Oh no.” Hazel eyes started to tear up. “Noami! Naomi, come here, quick!”

The sound of footsteps rushing up the stairs and soon her momma Naomi appeared next to her wife. She gasped when she saw her daughter.

“She found it?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“She always was one to snoop around.”

“What have told her?”

“Nothing, I just got here.”

“I am not ready for this.”

“Neither am I.”

“Can someone please tell me what this is about?” Anne asked loudly, her tone a bit sharper than she intended it to be. Tears were welling up in her eyes. “Sorry, it’s just ….all these things, this letter. What are these things and why did you hide them from me? What does it all mean? Who wrote this letter?”

Hazel and Naomi gave each other a look. The latter sighed and nodded at the former. Hazel cautiously approached her daughter and sat next to her. Naomi placed herself on the other side of their daughter.

“Anne, honey, I believe it’s time that we’ve told you something.” Hazel began.

“Something that, maybe, we’ve should have told you a long time ago.”

Anne’s grip around the letter tightened as she readied herself for her mothers’ story.

To be continued?