#Putting yourself out there is hard and opens you up to unwanted criticism

[i-wanna-die-like-now]

Just wanted to say I really love all the Danny phantom and my hero crossover stuff in your blog! It's been an itch of mine in the crossover sphere for awhile and all your art just makes me so happy.

It really inspires me to work on the crossover ideas I've had of these two but I'm to nervous about it.

Thank you so much!

Please please please tag me in anything if you decide to! Everyone in the danny phantom fandom is amazing and so SO kind, I'm pretty sure we all eat up any content we can lmao! I still get super nervous about posting and sharing my ideas, I suppose that's normal lmao! Like within a week I want to delete what I posted cause I can see the mistakes, what helps me is just remembering how other peoples art, fics and ideas bring me joy!

On the off chance that even one person enjoys it, then it's worth dealing with the part of my brain telling me I suck, even if that one person is myself 😅

You can do it! Ik I would love to see your ideas!

[arijackz]

PICK A CARD: The ☆Glow-Up☆ 2024 Has Planned For you

♠︎ “At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Disclaimer: This is a general reading, take what resonates. 

p1 → p2 ↙︎ p3 → p4

✧ Pile One ✧ (queen of cups, 5oC rev., 10oC, the chariot, the magician, 4oS)

Release.

➣ The central theme of this glow-up is inner fulfillment. You are on a journey of true self-love. The queen of cups is sitting proudly at the front of the spread. Major water energy here. You are unraveling emotional trauma down to your roots and reevaluating past attachments and burdens with the six of cups.

➣ I picture floodgates opening, allowing all of the pent-up emotional turmoil to release and finally free you on a deep psychophysiological level. You released something, an attachment or mindset that was set in motion during your formative years that was hindering your ability to hold compassion for yourself.

➣ Shuffling my music, "Daddy Issues" by the Neighbourhood came on. I also saw the hierophant while shuffling the cards. You experienced a lot of undervaluing and emotional neglect in your home. Emotions in your home were taboo and possibly even punished.

➣ I feel like the people around you growing up, were either always dissatisfied with you in some way or made you feel small. Since this is a group reading, it is hard to word this without excluding a large chunk of the audience, but some of you grew up in a home situation where any form of outward self-love or expression was met with a lot of negativity and ridicule. 

➣ This forced you into hiding your true self which groomed you into a mental space full of self-criticism and doubt. In your mind, you were unwanted or inherently broken in some way and deserved less. The way you were treated created deep emotional wounds in your young psyche which made it hard to feel satisfaction within yourself or with the outer world.

➣ With the five of cups, I get the sense that you had felt you were in a desert and unable to fill any of your cups so to speak. Baby, that’s coming to an end. The ten of cups is at the center of your spread with a big ass RAINBOW touching corner to corner. The drought is over. The dark days are over. The sun is shining and you can taste hope again. 

➣ On this self-love journey, you are currently grieving (releasing) a degraded perception of yourself along with any beliefs that inhibit you from feeling good about your character.

➣ You are realizing just how enough you are and flushing out all of the poison that was crammed in your head about being inadequate. You are freeing yourself from the chains of feeling unworthy of a good life.

➣ You will find true beauty in every corner of you. Beauty in your laugh, beauty in how you dance, beauty in how you take care of yourself, beauty in what you care about, inner beauty that cannot be taken from you or scaled down. You will nurture your inner world, thus adding color to your outer world.

➣ During this major life-changing period, your view of reality will flip in a way you never thought imaginable. Life will feel worth living again. Your music will move you more and the swift pass of wind will invigorate you with new ideas for creative projects that will propel you forward to lifelong prosperity.

➣ I’m hearing 🎵 “… I'm so, I'm so, I'm so, I'm so, I'm so proud of you” from Make Me Proud by Drake. Congratulations babe, you just broke a fucking karmic cycle. 10 of cups, following the 5 of cups??? You have graduated from a dark knight of the soul and are now approaching new, abundant energy.

➣ The universe is proud of you. Your ancestors are proud of you. Your inner child is proud of you. Your God(s) is proud of you. All of the cells in your body are proud of you. You have released something cosmically within you. Please hug yourself and have a good cry because you are doing something you never believed you could. Your hopes and dreams are unfolding.

➣ Get ready to make your daydream your reality.  With the chariot, you’re prepping to TAKE AWWFF BABY. The release of this blockage has raised your energetic vibration and is ushering bountiful opportunities into your life, new passions, new ideas, and new connections. 

➣ Your newfound faith in yourself is going to give you the courage to go out and experience life. Most importantly you will find satisfaction in the mundane. Every frame of your day will be brighter and feel better. You have gone from 5 empty cups to an eternally flowing fountain. Take the time to thank yourself for all of the hard work you put in to get here. 

➣ Advice: Extend yourself grace. During this period, you will have enlightening moments that will unlock pieces of the puzzle surrounding your trauma and a lot more will make sense and become easier to process. 

➣ However, as the flawed humans we are, we tend to make sense of something and then turn around and beat ourselves up for not realizing it sooner. Or, minimizing our pain and criticizing our past selves for not doing more about it because hindsight truly is a dirty dawg. No that is not how it works. 

➣ That’s like when you were in school and the teacher would start bullying you for not understanding a subject. YOU HAVE A DEGREE??? I’m fourteen?? Of course, you can say it's simple when you have already “graduated” and learned from it, not when you’re in the middle of experiencing it.  You gained clarity during this tower moment and can now see the bigger picture and liberate yourself. 

➣ Younger you fought to make your way through the fog and deserves grace because you would not be here today without your younger self’s perseverance. Forgive yourself for the time it took to get here and see the beauty in your evolution throughout the journey.

➣ Also, drink plenty of water and get rest!! It’s Pisces season, and a Pisces new moon is coming too. Most of your trauma will unravel while you’re unconscious. Please get plenty of rest and hydrate. This pile has Cancer/4th house energy written all over it. Mother yourself during this period. Clean your room, make your favorite foods, watch cheesy movies, and splurge on special skin care. Pamper yourself. okay I'm done. KISSES.

"My consciousness has outgrown this vessel"

��� Pile Two ✧ (4ofS, the tower, the wheel of fortune, the emperor, the lovers, judgment, 7ofW, ace of wands)

Life's gotta always be messing with me (you wanna see the light) Can't they chill and let me be free? (So do I) Can't I take away all this pain? (You wanna see the light) I try to every night, all in vain, in vain

Justice.

➣ I asked for a song to explain the central theme of your reading and I got "Freak on a Leash" by Korn. I get the feel that one of the main struggles of your life path is unfair judgment. People are quick to create a false narrative of you and run off with it.

➣ If you read my last PAC, “What is most alluring about you”, you may have chosen pile 2 or 3. With the seven of wands, you are constantly under attack.

➣ Take what resonates but I see a few scenarios. People may be quick to paint you as a bad person without getting to know you. Your public reputation was heavily influenced by rumors from people who intentionally wanted you to be disliked. People will take something small, blow it out of proportion, and try to impose it as a character flaw. Oh, you don’t eat the crust on your sandwich? How wasteful! There are starving kids out there, you’re so inconsiderate!! and then everyone else in the room who claims to not like you (but are truly your biggest fans) are oooing, ahhing, and egging that hating ass bitch on. 

➣ I’m seeing a bus. You may have been betrayed and thrown under the bus a few times before. This is the pile of my Lilith placements. Your power is your ability to garner attention, both good and bad. You attract a lot of envy. The ugliest emotion, in my opinion. It’s partners in crime with greed. 

➣ For some of you, I am getting the message that all of this underserved hate has sent you into a dark mental space and driven you to take an attempt on your life. And if you like my messages or my readings please believe me when I say this,

 I know you are meant for greatness. I picked up on your energy and you found this reading for a reason. Just like the Universe and everything within it, we go through cycles. And I know this is a long, painful cycle but it will come to an end and you will get out of this darkness. From the bottom of my heart, I feel your importance and I am happy you are here to share this moment with me. Keep swimming, I support you, the Universe supports you. The sun is rising and is offering you a new beginning.

➣ In this dark period in your life, the negative attention may have outweighed the good. I see a theme of being outcasted and isolated. Severe bullying. For some, even abuse. Like pile one, you have gone into hermit mode and isolated yourself from the unfair judgment of the world. 

➣ But head up muffin, the scales are balancing, and the wheel of judgment is turning in your favor. Following the wheel of fortune, you got the fucking emperor!!! You will come out of this on top. The people who kicked you while you were down will have to swallow their pride and kneel to shine your shoes while you sit rightfully on the throne. The public scrutiny you face needs to balance itself out karmically.

➣ Think Megan Thee Stallion. I won’t bring up any of her business, but if you've been keeping up with social media, there is a good chance you are well aware of it. That woman has gone through the unimaginable, one traumatic event following the other all while facing an obscene amount of public scrutiny. She had to go into solitary and off the internet to rebuild her life. But guess what??? MY GIRL STAYS ON TOP>>>>> After all the bullshit she endured, she’s coming out on the top of the charts, brand deals with major conglomerates, she is the people’s princess.

➣ That’s going to be you. You have dealt with a lot of injustice in your life, now you’re coming out of your “rehabilitation” and all of the people who spent the better half of their day attempting to tear you down will have to watch your rise like a phoenix and fucking weep.

➣ People were constantly taking from you , now the universe (whatever you want) is preparing to give you the power to replace what you have lost tenfold. Ace of wands, I see that life is handing you the metaphorical talking stick. The king stick. You are being blessed with a flame in your belly (activated solar plexus chakra) and the chance to completely reinvent yourself. 

➣ There is a lot of king and authority messages here, the ball is in your court. You are being released from the shackles of public perception and these next few months will be filled with inspiration and willpower to prove everybody wrong and showcase your strength.  I feel like a good chunk of this group will get chances to be in positions of authority or importance. 

➣ This is going to sound silly but I got this exaggerated imagery of a mean person calling you poor and ugly but the next year you drive past them in a Bugatti with their sugar boo in the passenger seat. HELLOOOO.

➣ With the lovers, I see you are coming in union with what is rightfully yours. In the grand scheme of cosmic law, you are owed good fortune and it is on its way. With the tower, I see an explosion and people fleeing. You’re going to pop out stronger than ever and that’s going to scare people cause whatever superiority they got from painting you as inferior is going to blow away and their true scummy nature is going to be seen. 

➣ After this, there may even be people who pretend to be your friends and claim they supported you all along. Have faith in your discernment. I have faith in your discernment. It will all be okay pookie.

➣ Advice: Just keep swimmin' my love. <3

"The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth."

✧ Pile Three ✧ (queen of wands, knight of pentacles, 6oC, page of pentacles, 10oW, 3oW, the hermit)

It's in the reach of my arms The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. I'm a woman Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Awaken.

➣ Regardless if you’re a woman, a man, somewhere in between, or none of the above, you are approaching a newfound understanding of your sexuality. For some of you, it is a full-blown sexual awakening. 

➣ Some people here are realizing their sex appeal, others are coming to terms with their lack of sexual attraction, some are learning what they like in sex and what they’re attracted to. Yes bae, all of it; the whole spectrum of sexual exploration is here.

➣ There is an emphasis on attraction to yourself. You will see a huge shift in your physical appearance. Yes, your style will change but the main reason for this glow up is because you shifted the perception of yourself into a higher light. You’re allowing yourself to feel desirable and embracing the aspects of yourself you once shunned. 

➣You will carry yourself in a higher regard and this will open doors for you. Look into the mirror and give yourself a nice smack on the ass. Your self-esteem is sexy.

➣ Pile one is on a watery emotional self-love journey, this pile is all about fire and finding out where sexuality and passionate relations fit into your life. 5th house (flings, passions, hobbies), 8th house (sex and rebirth), 9th house (adventure, connecting with your soul tribe).

➣ I asked for a song to tie up this message in a cute little bow and I got the 639 HZ frequency. This is the frequency of love, radiation, and positive energy. It is the frequency of the heart. The heart chakra is opening significantly during this glow-up.

➣ You are opening yourself to adventure and sending a high vibe out into the ether. I see a sunflower and the queen of wands is decked out in bright yellow, you are stepping into the spotlight and attracting a lot of attention. I would say Venusian attention because the aura here is very romantic and collaborative. It's like the universe is spraying you with extremely magnetic pheromones and having opportunities run at you.

➣ You are going to get a lot of offers. Love offers, career offers, party invitations, you’re going to be involved with exclusive circles. You are realizing your self-worth and now you’re attracting things and people who also see value in you.

➣ This isn’t going to resonate with everyone, but I sense that for a few of you, there is going to be a reconnection with a past lover or a past friend from your childhood (or just the past in general). I also sense a theme of using your attractiveness and people’s attraction to you to your benefit. Somehow monetize your appeal. 

➣ It is like you finally released your ugly duckling mentality and you woke up and went, “WOAH, what can I do with this???” Lmao you discovered you’re an undercover member of the pretty privilege club.

➣ Yeah, with the page of pentacles and the ten of wands, I’m seeing an entire life path open up for you. Your passion and fiery energy will get you places, and you’ll go on adventures exploring your opportunities with that. Some of you will even become spicy content creators or do some risque sex work. Orrrrrr just venture into a career path you weren’t courageous enough to do before. 

➣ You’re a giant magnet energetically right now (I mean c’mon, 639 HZ???) you’re attracting a lot of romantic suitors. But watch out, they’re not all good suitors.

➣ I pulled another card and got Justice in reverse. Some people will try to get over on you. Also, the person on the justice card looked strangely untrustworthy when I flipped it over. Once again, practice your discernment.

➣ Your romantic and passionate life is taking off and it's going to be extremely exciting, especially if you are coming out of a period of stagnancy. However, with the 3 of wands and the hermit, the cards remind you to remain centered and plan bigger. Your passion, attractiveness, and sexuality will amount to more than hookups and shallow relationships if you invest in yourself wisely.

➣ You are unlocking an advantage you have in this lifetime. Open yourself to career endeavors, social networking, and creating a strong foundation for your talents and hobbies. Yes, date and have fun but don’t spend all of your energy in one place. Your attention and your energy are your greatest currencies.

➣ To expand on the hermit, I need to emphasize you are going to be getting a LOT of attention soon (I’m getting Sun-conjunct-Venus energy, is that in your natal chart or is there a transit with Venus right now or something?). You will receive more eyes on you than average and this might overwhelm you and push you into hermit mode.

➣ That is okay, let life flow. During those moments to yourself, dream big because you have the power to pull your dreams into your reality.  You will meet lifelong friends during this period. I am sensing a power trio for some of you. 

➣ Advice: To wrap up, we all know attractiveness is social currency, and you are coming into a great deal of social wealth baby. But please spend it wisely and do not lose yourself in the crowd. Keep up with your self-work and take introspective breaks away from people so you can figure out how to best utilize this awakening for you. 

➣ You look really good in red currently. Red hair. Red lips. Red clothes. Red jewelry. The color red is bringing you a lot of abundance. Okay bye. MUAH. <3

"I said mom, I am a rich man."

✧ Pile Four ✧ (page of swords, knight of cups, wheel of fortune, temperance, 7oP, the devil rev.)

Ascension.

➣ OMG I’m so sorry, I wrote a novel for the other piles but this one is going to be short. Maybe you were drawn to another pile mainly and this is your secondary pile. BUT IT’S SHORT BECAUSE ITS FUCKING AWESOME. 

➣ The song I channeled for you was named “Elniño Prodigo” and I want to say the artist is Love Record but I'm not too sure. This means child prodigy. When I was laying out your cards, I got this sense of anticipation and impatience. Theeeennn BOOM the wheel of fortune, temperance, and the seven of pentacles smack me in the face.

➣ Oh me oh my, you are chilling in the universe’s womb just BAKIN’ being prepped for a complete rebirth. You are a prodigy, you are not meant to live an ordinary life, you are being prepared for a unique journey. I know this is going to sound hard to believe because I feel like with this pile, a large portion of your life was spent in waiting.

➣ Do you feel like you are a late bloomer? If so, trust me, it is for a reason. Whatever you build in this lifetime will be built slowly and have a solid foundation because your legacy is meant to withstand the test of time and last long after you leave this Earth. This period you’ve spent waiting is you getting your ducks in a row and sowing your seeds for the next evolution of you. I said something like this in my last pac, if that's you, heyyyyyyy i’m glad your energy stuck around, i love it.

➣ Do you have Pisces or 12th House placements mixed with Saturn significance? Whatever this glow-up exactly holds for your future is a secret. It’s the universe’s divine surprise to you. I did not get any energy detailing exact events, just something big in the works behind the scenes is making its way to you. 

➣If you’re reading this pick a card there’s a good chance you’re spiritually attuned and can feel this cosmic shift happening. Something about your energy is so excited. I imagine a hyper dog being held back by a leash because it's not quite time yet.

➣ If you’re in a period where you’re not seeing any life progression and it's causing you anxiety, relax, you are on the right track and you are where you need to be. You have not wasted time, time really isn’t even fucking real. Everything is moving slowly for a reason. 

➣In this “boring” period you are meant to tap into your inner world and curate what you want your life to look like. Create vision boards, imagine your future hobbies, involve things that mentally stimulate you, keep the spark of curiosity in your life, and nurture your inner dreamer. 

➣ You are connecting with your sensitivity at this time, finding the sweet spot where your mind and heart meet, and letting it fuel your zeal for life. Get these thoughts on paper. Journal them, draw them, sing it, and call this energy into the 3D. Your life is about to have a complete 180. Maintain faith.

➣ You’re seeing a lot of synchronicities currently. Animal synchronicities and repeating numbers(111,444,222,1144,1414). You’ll find strangely personal messages in music and media. Maybe you’re seeing shapes repetitively pop up around you in your environment, like stars or eyes. 

➣ Patience is a life lesson for this pile, there is a lesson to be learned in the stillness of your life. You are mentally restless right now, slow your body down and try out parasympathetic regulation techniques to calm your racing thoughts. Go swimming, take a class, try out a new hobby. In this “womb” era, enjoy your last moments of stillness because your life turns up a notch. I’m not even getting rebirth, I’m getting BIRTH. No matter your age, your life is truly beginning in this new season.

➣ Advice: I see a lot of clouds. I see angel symbolism. You’re ascending. You’re shedding old skin, letting go of dead weight, and you’re growing wings, getting ready to experience life to the fullest. Maintain hope that your life will pick up pace and become exciting again. 

➣ Find peace in this waiting period. Listen to bird sounds!!! They are going to calm your mind and elevate you emotionally. You’re growing your wings and getting ready to take off like a bird, you should learn from the best. Okay, I love you, the universe loves you, MUAH <3.

"Your sim has gone stir-crazy!"

watching tumblr shit on my images in real time is just...

On a lighter note, I know some of these piles are heavy, I posted my first reading two days ago, and the support I received has brought so much joy into my life. I love doing this, if you like this me doing this, I'll do this forever. I am eternally grateful for all of you likes, reblogs, and comments <3

Also, some of these piles are connected, feel free to poke around and pick up on messages spread out for you. okay, I'm done. kisses! MUAH

[carvinglies]

Hello! May I request a one-shot of Cloud (FF7) with a reader who’s a long lost friend (doesn’t necessarily have to be childhood it could be during his time as a SOLDIER. And maybe at some point they were pining for each other but when reader returns they noticed that he’s moving on. (Whether the ending is happy or sad doesn’t really matter)

Cloud Strife Oneshot

Notes: Thanks for the request! Sorry this took longer then expected I didn't have many ideas for the story and I've been busy with school. I'll probably write a happier end to this story later!

Looking up at the inky sky with Cloud was an ethereal core memory from when you were a kid; gazing out the window before bed always brought that memory back to the surface like an unwanted thought. Trying to forget the one and only Cloud Strife was hard enough before he defeated Sephiroth, but after was even harder. People constantly spoke of him, either older generations speaking in hushed whispers about his mercenary work recently or younger kids talking excitedly about wanting to be just like him when they grew up. You mostly ignored it, aware that the two of you were destined to never meet again after separating as kids.

Well, at least that's what you would say a day ago. The market you decided to visit was bustling with life vendors shouting about their newest discounts or imported items. Just as you were about to leave with your much-needed groceries, the fridge at home being quite empty, you caught sight of yellow spiked hair, a beautiful dark brown-haired woman dragging him along the market. It didn't take many critical thinking skills to know it was Cloud. He didn’t look much different from when you guys were kids; shifting your gaze to the woman standing next to him, you could roughly make out Tifa from the way she looked like another rather close friend from childhood. But staring at them, looking like a couple, bubbled up and shoved up emotions from when you were a kid. You swore to forget how much you loved the blonde, but that all came crashing down, staring at him moving through the market and picking out items from the stalls. Suddenly being shoved by another person tore you out of your thoughts as they angrily shouted about how you should watch where you’re standing.

You ran out of the market, not wanting to watch your childhood crush any longer. The keys jingled as you opened your apartment door, stepping inside and roughly settling down the bags onto the counter, deciding just to do them later, too mentally hurt to put the items up. Pushing your bedroom door open, you moved through the room, thinking about Cloud. Trying to reason with yourself with stuff like ‘of course he moved on; it's been years,’ or saying to yourself that ‘he was never in love in the first place.’ Crashing down onto the fluffy mattress that didn't seem so soft in your current state of mind. You didn’t get much sleep, your mind racing with questions you would never get an answer to.

[marvellovegalore]

Loving You

Chris Evans

Synopsis: Chris is over the moon, he's met you and life couldn't be better - you're all he's ever dreamed of and there's nothing you could do to ruin that.

Warning: explicit language, sexual content

No one in your industry would ever consider you difficult to work with, neither mean, arrogant, conniving or calculating. Most would go out of their way to praise you, proclaim their adoration for the movie star of dreams. On the other hand, your previous partners would. Ex-boyfriends that would bravely volunteer to be interviewed about your past relationship would recount their experiences with the same look as a shell-shocked soldier. If they could, they would gather in a support group for those left with deeply affecting, unresolved trauma - left by you.

You would deny it, if you could be bothered; or if the media had declared your heartbreaker ways to be of public interest. Which they are, but you’re largely untouchable therefore they're unreported. A Hollywood starlet, philanthropist, trend setter and tastemaker - alongside with being viewed largely as a sweetheart. Your childhood nannies coming in storming with adulations and saccharine recollections of a sweet and shy child. Friends that are more than happy to celebrate you on social media and fans who fill the internet with high production videos of you strutting on the streets and red carpets cement the idea that you are the moment, and you are loved.

To the world outside of the sphere of your ex-boyfriends, you were the most eligible bachelorette. There was no flaw in sight, no illusion to dispel or enchantment to break; you’re the real deal. Until you get bored, and you need to hurt someone. Because hurt people, hurt people. As the saying goes. There’s no need to go into that - just yet.

So, when Christopher saw you at the 2019 Vanity Fair Oscars after party, he fell head over heels. Your eyes cast a spell on him, and the enchantment was cast by the world’s master mage, you. You barely realised what you did, you were in no mood to flirt or truly fraternise. You were attempting to drown your sorrows of missing out on another Oscar win for the second time - in a mojito glass. You looked spectacular, possibly more than how you looked during the ceremony. But to Chris, your face of indignation looked like the angelic expression of a good second place loser with no hard feelings. He attempted to approach you, but too many people go into his way, they came with unprovoked film criticisms and pseudo interview responses that would get them into the academy board. All he wanted was to see your face up close and know how you spoke when you weren’t being regarded by a crowd of enraptured spectators.

He could see that you weren’t being left alone either, you hadn’t won the Oscar, but you are being treated as if you did. Your eyes bounce off of him every once in a while, but he couldn’t capture your attention - and then you left the party. You hardly made the French exit you were seeking. Stars old and young clamoured to say their goodbyes and kisses on your cheeks. You finally managed to escape. If Chris were to attempt to lie and say that he wasn’t disappointed, a blind woman could have seen right through him. His heart dropped, and he couldn’t explain why - he didn’t even know you.

Some other actor friends managed to drag him to a more intimate after party, the setting hardly intimate. A compound nestled in Hidden Hills, twenty-four-hour security circling the property, of one starlet who presented herself at the beginning of the night but chose an early slumber rather than socialising.

You came in half an hour after him, a miniskirt showing off your incredible legs - which were insured for an absurd amount.

His breath caught in his mouth. You were dressed down, but you looked too incredible to even try and claim you didn’t try. Everyone’s head turned and everyone was captured by the beauty at the door, accompanied by a friend. Your demure appearance fooling everyone into thinking that the attention was unwanted. You grabbed yourself a drink and half an hour later you were still enveloped with a group of equally intoxicated friends.

Though, Chris was determined to get your attention. He grabbed a drink off of the barman and slowly and easily made his way to you. The word ‘chill’ being chanted over and over again in his head. He was dead set on not making a fool of himself. Three steps away from you, glass of mojito clutched in his hands, his anxiety being beaten down and desperately suffocated into his stomach and away from his brain. He goes over his words, and before he finishes walking to you, you turn suddenly.

Your eyes pierce into his, a smirk glossing your lips. “Hi.” Your voice is low, characteristically different from your stage voice - your accent just as strong.

“Hey, got this for you.” Chris thrusts the glass into your unexpectant hand, some of the drink splashing out over the frosted rim. “Hope, it’s not too presumptive of me to have gotten it for you?” His eyes have glossed over, he shifts his weight from one foot to another. You shake your head no, a sweet smile playing at your lips. He’s even easier on the eyes much closer up. “Sorry you didn’t win that Oscar, real shame, I was rooting for you!”

You store it in the back of your mind that this man manages to look like a golden retriever even when he’s several drinks down, “It’s nothing, what does it mean anyway, I’ll still get more jobs in the future.” You take a sip of your drink after he takes a sip of his.

He compliments your eyes, your complexion and goes on an eager rant of how much he admires your capacity for acting. You drink in the adoration diluted by alcohol and take his words with a pinch of salt. After twenty minutes of solid, drunken conversation you’ve moved to a nook shadowed by statues. Your legs next to his on the red velvet sofa. You remark on the class of the artistic statues, clearly purchased illegally from a Mediterranean museum. He barely takes in your words, much preferring to intoxicate himself with the sight of you - and his fifth beer.

You’ve decided that you want him. Badly. But you’ve sussed him out. He’s not just going to be a one-night stand - in the animal kingdom he’s a Golden Retriever, and those aren’t dogs to be messed with. Your last fling was essentially a Doberman pinscher - discardable - but this Chris had to reeled in slowly.

You interrupt his musing about the Boston markets with a kiss.

Your lips smoothly capture his, your lipstick smearing over his lips. His hand presses tightly on the small of your back, arm underneath your waist holding you up higher. Stars explode inside your eyelids and his fingers grip tightly onto your shirt as your tongue licks his bottom lip. Your entry is granted, you lips pressing tighter against each other. Your eyelashes dance over his. Your hands rise to his face, your hands imprinting themselves onto his cheekbones. His hand brushes over the bare skin of your leg, his fingertips tracing the insides of your thighs. A small moan rises from the back of his throat.

The hold you have on him is cemented, you part away from him. You untangle yourself from him and stand up from the sofa, your eyes refusing to look at him, you smooth your clothes and slowly strut away from him.

Chris looks at the fire that you’ve set on his limbs in disbelief, he doesn’t grasp what you’ve just done. Did he do something wrong? Does he smell? No. You just didn’t care for the ceremony of the first ‘after-kiss’ moments.

He doesn’t see you for a year.

You truly are elusive - to the media and him.

He couldn’t get you out of his mind, and the fact that you starred in another award-nominated film did little to help him forget you.

You were curious to understand whether you really enticed him or not. You decided to not pursue that line of questioning, and never bothered to reply to his direct messages. It wasn’t done with the intent of hurting him, you just didn’t care. But life has a way of putting things in your way that deep down you didn’t know you wanted.

--

Nevertheless, here you are, with your boyfriend of a year - Christopher, sat across from you telling you story about his nephew. You simper, your eyes flitting between the sight of him and the view of the sea. The coast of Martha’s Vineyard enraptures you, you drink your wine, eyes steadily moving to the coastal view.

You grew up coming here. Your family often choosing the quiet island to rest in during the late spring holidays. You brought Chris back here to stay at your family holiday home as it’s not too far from his own family home, a perfect last stop after spending the week with his family.

He watches you curiously, his blue irises begging you to let him in to your thoughts. You refuse silently and beckon the waiter. You ask for the bill, it’s quickly on the table and you pay - ignoring Chris’ refusals. You smile at him, for the second time during dinner. He responds in kind, remarking on your bad mood and how he’s glad you’ve cheered up after having some food. He muses on the lovely weekend you’ve had together as you leave the restaurant. Candlelight following you as you make your exit with your hands holding each other tightly, his other hand in his preppy shorts.

You walk slowly, watching the sunset. His arm finding its way around your shoulders. His sweet and intimate embrace enveloping you in warmth. Your heart beats quickly against his bicep as you near your home. Your hands tremble for some reason and you practically sprint up the porch steps after you’ve crossed the gate and walkway, leaving Chris five steps behind you.

You open the door and make a quick beeline for the kitchen in the far back of the house. You enter the pantry, ignoring Chris’ questions of what is wrong. You take a bottle of Rosé out of the wine fridge and forgo pouring it into a glass and drink it straight from the bottle. It tastes incredibly sweet, and Chris finds you eventually in the pantry. He looks at you in surprise as you gulp the drink.

“Everything okay, baby?” He walks to you, his hands failing onto your hips, his adoring eyes almost boring into your soul. You refuse him entry into the pits of your emotions. Steeling yourself against the onslaught of therapy-like talk.

You don’t want him to know that hurt people, hurt people. And that you’re one of them.

You kiss him, silencing his calming words.

His fingers tighten on your sundress. The colour melding with the colour of his fingers. Your lips become one.

You go through the steps of getting out of the pantry in a seemingly choreographed dance, your dance ends in the smaller reception room; your bodies tangling themselves on the rug. Neither of you giving a care to fact that you’re undressing in front of the window overlooking the pool and coast.

The flickers of the setting sun’s rays highlight his now bare chest. He returns his lips to yours in a hypnotising kiss. Your hands dance with the muscles of his back as you caress his skin, his torso vibrating in between your legs with the fervour of his movements. Your dress is ripped off your body. He directs his attention to your right breast, his soft lips caressing your skin. His tongue lashes slowly against your nipple, you fight to hold back your moans as his hand lowers to your pussy. His fingers pushing aside your pants, his fingers sink into you like it’s their second nature. Your head rolls back as he makes love to you with his fingers and his lips lower down to where his fingers are. He licks you where you need him most, his love for you being written inside you with his tongue.

You orgasm. Slowly.

And all that runs through your mind is how much you’ll miss him.

You pull him up to you, you turn over and straddle him. Tasting yourself on his lips as the sun sets even lower. The waves crash against the shore violently as the wind picks up. You lower yourself onto him and start riding him, your hips bucking in an impassioned manner against his. He doesn’t hold back his moans as he caresses your breasts and stomach.

You realised you loved him four months ago, but every time you catch sight of his loving eyes when you’re fucking, it makes you fall in love all over again.

Chris switches and puts you on all fours, he grips your hair in his hands, the rising intensity making him grip you harder. His thrusts are merciless, his spare hand spanking you and stroking, you’re on the cusp of a sensory overload when he turns you over. On your back you have the most beautiful view. A strong ray of sunlight brightening his eyes as he makes love to you. His kisses are tender but intense. His hand grips onto yours, your fingers intertwined and his other hand griping onto your face.

A tear slips out of your eye, you wipe it away quickly. Your increased sensitivity makes the second orgasm come, Chris fucks you through your breathy moans and you throw your head back. Momentarily blinded by the bliss; the pink sky wakes up from the saccharine, cloudy state. Chris orgasms into you with four thrusts.

You push away from him and stand up; you pull on your silky pants. You sigh and leave Chris on laying breathless on the rug. You walk upstairs and enter your room. You use the toilet, wash your hands, have a glass of water and throw on a short black dress. As you pull on your boots Chris enters the room, a smile gracing his lips.

He pulls on some shorts, “Want to tell me what all that was about?” He gives you a confused expression as he lies back against the bed, taking one of the fluffed pillows from behind him and tucking it between his chest and arms.

Hurt people, hurt people.

You turn towards him, facing away from your walk-in closet. “When we fuck, I have to think about other men to get through it.”

His eyes widen alarmingly, he turns to you, the light of the tv making him blue. “Say that again?” The disbelief is almost tangible in his words.

“I feel embarrassed about being seen with you now. I feel I’m just too good for you.” You walk into the closet and you hear him stomp off the bed.

“No, rewind to what you first said.” His voice is louder, his features twisted with confusion and hurt.

“I have to think of other guys to get off,” your eyes connect with his, you don’t look away, you fight the smirk biting at your lips. “I can’t stand the thought of being with you any longer. I’m sick of it.” You grab the suitcase that was packed for you when you were at the restaurant. “Also, you’re not as ripped as you were when we met, there’s other guys that can provide that image for me.”

“Take it back.” The hurt he’s feeling is completely tangible now. “Take it back right now. Right. Now.” His eyes are pleading with you to have mercy.

You've decided that you've gone past the point of no return. “I’d be happy never have to see you or have to hear from you - ever again.” You scan his eyes, your heart swelling with an eerie feeling of pride as his eyes flood with held back tears.

“This must be some elaborate prank— “he chokes on his words, his hands reach for yours, but you step back.

“This year has been tedious, completely boring and I’ve gotten nothing but only ten decent fucks from you.” Not true, and both of you can attest to that, you've had the best sex, your mutual adoration is clear when you make love. So, Chris is at a loss to understand how this is all being said and happening. “I’m off to New York, stay as long as you like or don’t. I don’t care. Have a nice life.” You slip past him.

Taking his heart and soul with you.

He can’t stop the tears from ballooning in his eyes and then trickling down his cheeks.

He must be stuck in a nightmare. He doesn’t know how long he’s been pacing in this closet filled with your clothes, your smell haunting him.

He rushes downstairs and there’s no sign of you. He stumbles outside and there’s no sign of you or your driver. He rushes in to get his phone and calls you. Five times. The sixth time it goes straight to voicemail.

He feels his heart break.

He falls right in the spot he’s in. He vomits his heart out, the pieces being spat out onto the wooden floors. The blood shinning underneath the soft lights of the lamps.

He wants death. Slow and steady death.

——

Part Deux -

[sunkissedchldrecon]

hello🌷 id like to join the game pls 🙇🏻‍♀️

least fav placements: capricorn moon in seventh, pluto in sixth, pisces lilith in tenth

least fav aspects: moon opp asc, moon opp jupiter, mc square pluto, sun square neptune </3

thank you❣️

this took mad long, but it’s okay tbh. all of this was interesting. i’m not sure the poem i wrote encapsulates all of the placements, but i think a good amount of them are represented by it. hopefully that’s okay! x

☆彡.。.:*・☆彡.。.:*・☆彡.。.:*・☆彡.。.:*・☆彡

the moon represents our emotions, habits, and instincts. capricorn is a sign that expresses itself in a disciplined, straightforward yet cautious way. the 7H handles relationships (both romantic and business) and how we interact with others. with this placement you may appear to be very stoic with your emotions. it may be hard for you to show others that you love and care for them, and they may get the feeling that you don’t care about them while you might actually be willing to give up anything for them. you may worry that you’ll never find the “right one” when it comes to love. you could also be hiding your feelings from others in an attempt to protect yourself. relationships of all kinds (friendship, romantic, business, etc.) aren’t easy tasks. everything is a give and take. learn to be open to finding out others love/appreciation languages and slowly push yourself to reveal more. it’s okay to let your guard down.

pluto speaks on power, transformation, death, and rebirth. the 6H focuses on health, systems and habits, and service. you may feel as if you need to take things like health and service acts into your own hands. there may be times where you’ll want to change your diet completely because your old one isn’t proving to be helpful to you or you may be more innovative when it comes to thinking about your health and servicing others in general. this placement may also cause some tension in your work space as you can become so focused on the outcome of the job that you forget to take others’ ideas and feelings into consideration. you may also put a lot of effort into your career in general. the drive and head fastness that comes with this placement is very helpful, but remember to take a step back to put yourself in others’ shoes also. teach yourself to be more receptive to others’ ideas and appreciate the simple everyday routines that can seem to be boring, but actually provide stability when everything else i chaotic. also, remember to rest and let others’ take over the reigns sometimes.

i’ll be talking about black moon lilith since i think that’s what most people are referring to when they say lilith. black moon lilith represents our shadow self. it speaks on things we’re so fascinated by we hyper-fixate on them or things that we’re repulsed so much by that we avoid them. pisces causes us to be intuitive and sometimes more introspective, sometimes in manifests in unrealistic or fairytale like wants. the 10H speaks on career, status, reputation, and masculinity. you may be overly concerned about how your professional life will be. you could over criticize yourself in an attempt to force yourself to become better or you could stray away from fully analyzing your professional endeavors. you may be someone that relies on men a lot and looks to them to find purpose or be completely avoidant of them because you’ve been hurt too many times. sometimes, your love life and professional one may mix, but only because you crave validation in both. take time to be with yourself and discover what you’re good at. don’t look to others to provide you with praise; instead, look to yourself and find pride in your own beliefs on you. you’re enough on your own.

jupiter handles luck, growth, and optimism. opposition between moon and jupiter can cause tension between your emotions and habits and your growth and optimism. you could see life with rose colored glasses. you could over estimate how much you can do or how much you can provide because you just want to make others happy. this over estimation could cause you to feel like you’re always stuck in the same place of overindulging only to be left dry and feeling unwanted by others. it’s okay to care for others, but try and learn to put yourself first. say “no” when you feel uncomfortable or tired. spend more time with yourself.

MC or midheaven represents the individuality of our chart. it’s heavily associated with public life and career. squares create restriction, which forces your MC and pluto to push against one another in order for you to operate. you may want attention and crave the spotlight, but you still want your own space. this aspect could make you seem like a snake in your work place; almost like you’ll do anything to get to the top even if in reality, you have boundaries. it may also make people think they can paint you in a bad light in order to get ahead. lots of assumptions from others impacting your work and public life even if they aren’t necessarily true. learn to be okay with people’s perceptions of you. who cares if you have a RBF or come off as cold? only you and your close ones know how you actually are, and those that truly care about you will take the time to come to you personally before jumping to conclusions. the rumors about you do not equal your truth.

the sun represents our ego, life purpose, and creative energy. neptune handles illusions, escapisms, and dreams. these two square one another you may be overly cautious in indulging in your dreams and fantasies. you’ve probably been forced into this idea of who you are and what life should be that dreaming of anything different can almost feel like a sin. it’s not that don’t want to go for your dreams and illusions, but it’s like everyone pulls you down from the clouds before you can even step on the ladder. your dreams don’t have to be things you can never reach. they could become reality, but you’ll never know if you continue to let others’ view of you come before your true self. block out the noise of others.

too many whispers

flitter down the hall.

you don’t know me,

but you’ve muttered

my name

fifteen times within

the past

ten minutes.

you talk too much

for your own good,

and

i listen too much for mine.

[xaharadesert]

Returned Memories - Headcanon

Arcana Characters (Main 6) x MC

A/N: This one is for @lunriphus, and has been sitting in my inbox for months, so I am so sorry. I also can’t believe I forgot about it because I was super excited to write it! The MC’s memories returning has always been one of my favourite “what ifs”, but it’s a little hard to write about because everyone’s MC has a different backstory. I’ve left it pretty vague, but of course some of the character’s have more canon relationship backstories than others, so each set of headcanons is pretty unique! Requests are open :) I’m writing this without my glasses on again, so please let me know if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes

Also: I don’t mean to be insensitive to people who have amnesia is real life— if anything within this post seems rude or ignorant, please let me know! I will fix it immediately!

❤️Julian❤️

Neither of you quite understood how exactly you got your memories back, but it wasn’t exactly the biggest concern

You finally knew who you were (are?), and you could finally make the connections that your brain had been on the verge of for so long

Julian was an excellent partner to have by your side while you navigated the differences and similarities between who you used to be and who you were now

You two had known each other to some degree before, but there was no pressure from him to be the way you used to be; he was happy for you because you seemed happier, not because he would gain anything from you recovering your memories

Some nights the two of you would stay up for hours, simply talking over some of your old shared memories, helping you connect the pieces

He was always wary of headaches— he knew that with magic involved he wouldn’t be able to do much to help you if things took a turn for the worse, so he was prepared to scoop you up and sprint over to wherever it was Asra was currently hiding out

Julian was careful not to push too hard if you were struggling to remember something you felt you should— he would be the first to remind you that these things take time, and that living in the present was more important than recalling the past

The only part of this he’s slightly bitter about is the fact that you can now remember and bring up any of the embarrassing things he did when you two first met (but he could never bring himself to stop you from mentioning them because he knew how important your memories were)

🧡Portia🧡

When you announced to her that you remembered something from your past she asked no questions, she was simply ecstatic

She knew that your missing memories could be hard on you, and there were occasions where she felt pointlessly guilty that she hadn’t known you before because she so badly wanted to give you the information you desired

So knowing that you were on the road to recovering bits of your past life? She might just have been even more excited than you!

She loves hearing you talk about anything you remember, from funny little stories to dark secrets— she feels like she gets to learn something new about you at the same time you’re discovering it, and it brings the two of you even closer

Portia is especially great at grounding you to the present

While it’s wonderful that you’re remembering your past life and everyone and everything in it, Portia could only ever be a part of your new life

Even if you started to recover more unwanted, dark memories, she would be right there to remind you that the past is the past, and as long as you’re with her, you can take or leave as much or as little of it as you want

💛Lucio💛

Finding out your memories were returning garnered an… interesting response from Lucio

He seemed conflicted, to say the least— he was happy about your excitement at recovering a part of yourself that you had previously considered gone forever, and he was glad that you could remember all of the amazing parties he used to throw, but…

What else, exactly, did you remember about him?

Did you remember him as a tyrant? A warlord? A petty imbecile, too incompetent to rule over Vesuvia?

As ignorant as he seemed to be toward mass criticism, he wasn’t as stupid as people thought— he knew that the snide comments he would still occasionally overhear weren’t isolated incidents

He knew that you loved him as the two of you were in the present; but he was terrified of what you had thought of him in the past

Lucio knew that he was capable of changing, as he had grown as a person immensely after meeting you, but would your old opinions overshadow your belief in him?

He would want to be as supportive as possible, but his doubts would plague his mind every time you would share an old recovered memory with him

This time in your relationship would be hard, without question— you would be rediscovering your past self, and Lucio would be attempting to repress his insecurities

Communication would be key in moving forward in a healthy relationship, discussing and working through any issues that may arise alongside your memories and his worries

💚Muriel💚

He would be happy for you, and proud of how much you’ve grown as a person because of it

While he didn’t know you very well before you had died (only seeing you in passing when you were with Asra), he would be very supportive of you doing what you must to regain your lost memories

He was also the first one to suggest that you spend a bit more time with Asra and others that you had known before, willing to put up with a bit more social interaction than usual if it’s for your benefit

While he isn’t one to use magic to help with your memories, if he can use his limited abilities to recreate something you vaguely remember from your past, he’d do it in a heartbeat

He couldn’t keep up much of a conversation about your past, but he would listen to you ramble on about anything you can recall for as long as you’d like

Sometimes he wondered what would have happened if he had been a larger part of your previous life— would you remember him as much as you would remember everything else, or would his curse cause even more problems?

As sad as he was that he hadn’t gotten to know you sooner, a small part of him was glad he would never have to learn the answer to that question

💙Asra💙

It’s everything he had been hoping for for the past three years

After the initial panic he had at the thought of needing to erase your memories again if the headaches started to plague you again, he promptly burst into tears

Don’t misunderstand the situation, he would love you unconditionally with or without your memories of your past together, but knowing that you were slowly starting to recover bits of who you used to be overwhelmed him with emotion

He had felt like he had failed you when he managed to bring your body back, but not the entirely of your mind

Now, that guilt seemed to slowly be seeping away, leaving him more every time you brought up something from your past that you previously hadn’t been able to remember

He would love to spend all of his time talking about the past with you, helping you remember and basking in nostalgia

The burden of your shared past was no longer his to carry alone, and he finally had the chance to apologize for your final argument together, something that he had thought he would never be able to properly move forward from

💜Nadia💜

She’s thrilled that your regaining a part of yourself previously thought to be lost forever

Having had her own memory problems regarding her life in Vesuvia prior to her enchanted sleep, she had always empathized with your plight

Knowing that you were beginning to recover, she was overjoyed, although a minuscule, unwanted voice in the back of her mind quietly echoed feelings of jealousy

She wanted you to have a past to hold onto in times of strife, and although the two of you had never met prior to her entering your shop on that fateful night, she hoped you would perhaps be able to recall her effects as Countess

Nadia loved that you were regaining your memories, but she wished she could do the same— regardless, she would support you in every way possible, applying the knowledge she had gained while attempting to recover her own memories to help you further remember your own

Forgive her if she seemed a bit aloof occasionally during your conversations about the past; she doesn’t mean to seem unsupportive in any way, but she does struggle with her own emotions regarding the matter once in a while

She’s very open about these feelings, though— Nadia values honestly over honeyed lies, and she would never be hypocritical about sharing her emotions in your relationship

[moral-turpitudes]

A Secret Life:

**Gif credits go to the amazing @nofckingfighting​ your gifs give me life ok. They’re *chef’s kiss.**

Masterlist | Rules | Peaky Prompts

Trigger Warnings: None really, just some Fluff and some Swearing I think.

Word Count: 3,324

Characters: Johnny Dogs x Female!Reader

Requested by: @atjafshelby​, you can find it here. This was the first time I’ve written anything mainly for him so I hope this is good lol. I love getting the opportunity to write other characters. :)

Summary: After a spat about potatoes and a sudden departure from Thomas’ dinner meeting, Johnny Dogs rushes home to be with his wife Y/N and their family, knowing he’d have to tell the blinders about his secret life with them eventually.

The weather was gloomy as the peaky men prepared for one of Tommy’s meetings in the middle of Charlie’s yard. The cans full of logs and kindling burning brightly through the smog of Small Heath as the smoke filled the air. The smell of smoked meat and other foods slowly making their way onto the makeshift table.

In the distance though, was a loud voice mumbling on hurriedly as he stomped along the dirt and soot covered road leading to the feast.

“Right, put the steel rods up the gooses arse there. Go on.” Johnny Dogs said to one of the younger lads who were understandably confused. His eyes watching as they did so, itching to do it himself since no one ever prepared goose the right way. This wasn’t his only criticism though, as he made his way to the table he noticed the lack of starch amongst the men.

“This isn’t a proper dinner. If you’re going to have the Gold’s here ya gotta have potatoes!” Johnny Dogs said loudly as the Shelby’s tired uncle followed the Irish traveler around the yard.

Charlie looked at the man dumbfounded, thinking it was as great a feast as any.

“I want him to see that we live proper, that we eat proper, in the proper way!” He exclaimed.

“No...no you know what?” He added, pointing at Charlie with an anger-filled expression.

“What?” Charlie asked, lighting a cigarette as his infamous nephews came strolling in.

“I’ll get the potatoes me-self!” He exclaimed, clearly frustrated as he stomped through the yard to the old market nearby. His mind buzzing with the thought of his wife and children back at camp. He loved being here with the men he considered allies, but his heart was there with Y/N, always, especially now that she’d been alone with their newest edition to the family.

“What’s he on about aye? It’s just a dinner to discuss the vendetta. Is he scared of the Gold’s?” Tommy said, a cigarette lingering on his lips.

“No he just thinks they’re bloody heathens.” Charlie said as Tommy smirked, walking back to meet Aberama Gold and his son Bonnie.

As Johnny got back, he hastily threw the potato’s in one of the boiling pots near the men. The steam rolling off them as he mashed them up and brought them to the table.

“Bit late there Johnny.” Arthur said, grabbing a huge spoonful of them.

“Not me fault someone can’t prepare a proper meal.” He said, his eyes darting to his pocket watch as Aberama agreed, thanking him for making them as they continued their tense conversation.

“Is there something wrong?” Tommy asked Johnny, causing him to swallow hard as he tried to not tell them about you. It ached him not to, but quite frankly he was nervous to do so. Knowing they’d have something to say when they learned of his relationship status and such.

“Almost forgot, I had some things to take care of at camp. I’ll be back in the mornin’ boys. Don’t get blood all over the fucking food alright?” He said, Tommy waving him off with a suspicious look on his face. He never had men leave abruptly, but if anything he thought maybe he had a whore waiting for him or another feud to handle.

But little did the blinders know what actually awaited him.

“Aye! Dads going to be home soon-no-don’t you dare hit your brother!” Y/N said aloud to her two rambunctious children Alice and Samuel, who were running around the field with the other little ones of the group that were set up nearby. Your youngest, Sarah, nestled on your hip and baby-babbling to herself.

“You’re gonna be full of words just like your father aren’t ya love?” You said to her quietly, going over to your son and daughter who were rough-housing as usual.

“Playtime’s over loves, we have to get ready for dinner.” You said, the children immediately stopping and saying goodbye to the other kids as you waved goodbye to their parents.

As you led your children back to the vardo, you quickly put your daughter down in her small crib near the cramped bed in the wooden structure.

Your tired reflection caught you off guard as you looked in the mirror. Your eyes not as bright and hair not as perfectly placed as before you’d had three children.

You were always grateful to be blessed with good looks that were surely from your mother, but you soon garnered unwanted attention as you’d grown up, the men throwing themselves at you left and right, until you’d seen Johnny one day at a camp in Ireland of course. He was bantering with his friends, fist fighting and such near one of your family’s stops, his smile catching your eye as he laid his own upon you. The poor man got punched because of you after all, making him go off his game with your beauty. But to this day he said he didn’t regret it, telling you in that moment his world stopped. That he’d felt like the luckiest man in the world to have someone as sweet and as beautiful as you by his side all these years.

And so now here you were, waiting for your traveler and infamously rowdy blinder husband to come home. The sun setting in a plethora of colors over the field as the other travelers sat around their respective bonfires.

“When’s dad coming? He’s usually back.” Your son asked, his eyes the color of yours but the shape of Johnny’s, and your daughters small smile like his as well.

“Yeah mum where’s he off to? I wanted him to tell us a bedtime story.” She said, pouting slightly as she watched you preparing dinner.

“Give him time angels. He’s a busy man.” You said, wondering where he was, knowing he’d most likely gotten held up by the fucking Shelby’s once again.

He’s never told them about you and it stung a bit, but you realized early on that he only did it to keep you and the family safe, knowing that nothing good ever came from uttering the Shelby name.

As you portioned the food out for the children, your youngest cried for her food as well as you sighed and went in to nurse her. Humming a soft song to her as she gradually fell asleep in your arms.

As the kids emptied their bowls, stomachs full and content smiles on their faces, you ushered them to their beds, your heart racing slightly as you thought about where your husband could be.

“Don’t worry loves, dad will be home soon alright? I’m going to be just outside.” You said, fixing yourself your portion of the food as you stoked the fire a bit more, the embers disappearing into the night air as you wrapped the warm knit blanket around you.

You’d gotten accustomed to spending the majority of your nights alone with the children, eating amongst the stars and telling stories, but one thing always remained constant, and that was the need for their dad to be home. He made everyone light up when he’d come around. His laugh bringing a smile to your face instantly as he entertained the kids on his off days while you rested with the baby. But now like many nights, they missed him. They missed how he’d make you all feel safe, knowing he had you all out in the open like this. But he knew the company he kept, and he trusted them with his life that they’d take care of you all if need be.

Alas, as you sat there lost in thought, you heard the cries of your daughter once again as you went into the vardo, gently cradling her to you as you carried her outside into the cool night air, the sound of the crackling fire and water rushing nearby helping her fall asleep once again as you bounced her around lightly.

“It’s okay sweetheart. He’ll be home soon.” You reassured her. Knowing he’d never ever leave you sleeping alone, unless it was something serious.

---

“Johnny, before you go, we’ll be stopping by tomorrow. We need to make sure you all are ready.” Thomas said as Johnny walked away from the table.

“Alright, I’ll see ya there then lads. Goodnight.” He said, tipping his hat and walking off towards the horse he’d ridden in on. Quickly riding towards one of the flower fields nearby to pick some for you. He knew they wouldn’t make up for him being late, but he knew they’d at least bring a smile to the face he loved so much.

---

You sat wide-awake with your sleeping daughter against your chest, your nightgown covered by the thick blanket you’d draped over you and the baby. Her soft coos and little snores bringing a smile to your face as you kissed the top of her head. Your stomach still hurting with some efforts as you shifted in your seat. She’d only been about 4 months old, so both you and her were adjusting to the whole life thing with each other.

As you sat there naming the constellations to yourself as you gazed at the stars, you heard the familiar horse hooves pounding on the ground near the vardo. Johnny’s giddy whistle making your daughter rustle around in your arms as she knew he was home.

“Shhh, she’s sleeping.” You said quietly as he walked over ever-so carefully to kiss you, his lips soft against yours as he lingered on them for a moment, taking you in.

“I wanted to get here earlier, with the baby and everything but uh...Tommy got in the way again.” He said, grabbing the flowers he’d picked earlier.

“Are these for me?” You asked, grasping them with your free hand.

“Mhmm. Picked them me-self. Thought you’d like some after a hard days work caring for the kids. And uh, since I’ve been gone so long ya know?” He said, nervously rubbing his hand on the back of his neck.

“I love you Johnny Dogs. You romantic devil.” You said with a smirk as you kissed him once more.

“Now tell me love, what’s got you on your toes?” You asked, knowing his body language more than your own at this point.

“They’re coming here, to make sure everything’s ready for the big mission.” He said.

“Christ....do we need to stay in? It’ll be hard with this one crying.” You said, looking down at the sleeping bundle in your arms.

“No...I...I want you to meet them. They’re coming tomorrow mornin’.” He said.

“I see....well I’ll make sure to get up and make sure the kids meet them too. Couldn’t hurt right?” She asked.

“It could soften the blow I suppose.” He said, grabbing the last of the food that was still warm over the fire.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asked.

“They’ll take one look at you and drool. You don’t think I see it every time we go outside the camp? You’re bloody gorgeous and you’ve gone and married a fool like me?” He said half-jokingly. His self-deprecating humor hurting your heart.

“They can say what they want, but you’ll always be the man for me Johnny. I wouldn’t have you any other way. You were the first man I’ve ever loved.” You said, remembering how despite your looks, you’d never had the luck of relationships on your side, thinking all hope was lost until that day so long ago. And god were you grateful for him, even if he did talk your ear off on more than one occasion, you still loved the man to death.

“Now go tell your children a bedtime story, please love?” You asked, looking at him with puppy dog eyes that made his heart swoon. He could never say no to you.

---

The next morning, you awoke to the sound of the kids playing out by the river, the wind rustling around the vardo as you heard Johnny helping out with the baby outside.

“I’m sorry love, I was going to get up and help ya but I guess I overslept.” You said, wrapping your robe around yourself that complimented your eyes and physique exquisitely.

“You needed the beauty sleep love. Besides, you’ve done enough for me these past weeks, thought I’d do something for ya.” He said, cradling the baby in his arms as you sat near him next to the barely lit fire, the coals still hot from the night before.

Johnny took your hand in his lightly, the ring on your finger sparkling in the sunlight as you both watched your kids playing together near the river.

In the distance though, you could hear the sound of a car pulling up, your nerves getting to you as you knew it was Thomas Shelby and his brothers.

“Here we go.” You mumbled, calling your children over as the men got out of the car, the kids nearly running into them as their little legs carried them swiftly over the grass. They quietly stood behind you as Johnny handed you your baby girl, her bright eyes looking up at you as the sun hit your face flatteringly.

“Hello boys! G’morning to ya! How’s about we get this meeting done shall we?” He asked, putting his cap on.

“Who’s the lovely lady over there aye?” John asked, eyeing her with hungry eyes.

“That’s me wife. Her names Y/N.” He said, looking John in the eyes as he crossed his arms.

“Oh and who are the children with her? They can’t be yours can they? Wow Johnny boy! Didn’t know you had it in ya. How’d you snag a gem of a girl like that aye? Use any of yer charms?” Arthur said jokingly.

“They’re mine yes, and don’t worry, I did nothing of the sort. She came to me actually.” He said with a proud smug smile on his face, knowing he married one of the prettiest women near Small Heath and the bastards couldn’t do anything about it.

“Well if you have anymore questions how’s about you lot meet them then?” Johnny asked over the awkward silence, Thomas still eyeing him a bit suspiciously.

“You boys go meet them, me and Johnny have something to discuss.” Tommy said shortly.

“Oh...al-alright. Here ya go lads.” He said, leading them over to Y/N and her children, who backed behind their beautiful mother shyly.

“Hello gentlemen, I’m Y/N. Nice to meet ya.” You said, smiling brightly as their stares lingered over you. It was something you were used to, but still made you slightly uncomfortable, so you remained focused on your kids.

“You can have a seat if you’d like, we don’t mind do we loves?” You asked, patting your son on the head as he smiled.

“No it’s ok momma. I’m gonna go play.” Your daughter said, running off towards the other little kids nearby. Your son sat by you though, eyeing the men curiously.

“So these are Johnny’s kids aye? What’s your name little man?” Arthur asked, putting on his nicest smile.

“Samuel. Who are you? Why do ya have big hats on like me dad?” He asked.

The men both looked at each other and smiled.

“We’re in a...group that your fathers in. It’s for people that are nice and strong.” He said.

“Oh...” Samuel said, fiddling with his fingers as he leaned his head against your arm.

“How’d you and Johnny meet aye? Old bugger like him sure snagged a beauty for a wife.” John said.

“Oh uhm...we met by chance really. I saw him scrapping with some people by the roadside when my family were going through and I stopped to watch. He says he got caught off guard by me. He got hit right after eyeing me up.” You said with a small laugh. John and Arthur chuckled as they looked over at Johnny and Tom having a rather tense conversation.

“While our brother’s interrogating the poor man, who’s this little one and her big sister?” Arthur asked.

“This is Sarah. She’s 4 months, almost 5. Talkative little bugger just like her dad. Always babbling about somethin’ aye? And that’s Alice. She hates sitting down, always wanting to be on the go. Guess it’s in the blood.” You said, also feeling antsy as you sat there with half of your little family.

“That it is.” Arthur said, looking around the camp as Johnny’s voice rose in the distance.

“When were you going to tell me Johnny?” Thomas asked, his cigarette dangling from his lips.

“About what mate? Bout me cookin’ and leaving yesterday or bout me family?” He asked.

“About your family, Johnny. You’re like family to us you know. How could you not tell us?” He asked loudly.

“You should know! The bloody line of work we’re in! God knows I’m not bringing them into that ‘ere.” He said a bit louder than Thomas expected, causing the others to look over.

“But why hide something like this Johnny? Not because of the way of our work but why hide it until now aye?” He asked.

Johnny thought for a moment, leaning against the tree near the river.

“Because Tom. I knew you’d all take one look at her and wonder why she’s wit’ a man like me. Ya know I’m not the nicest looking man ‘ere. Somehow how Tom...somehow she loves me and I wanted ya to see why I had to leave yesterday. It’s not just me I’m thinkin’ bout anymore.” He said.

“That why you’ve been yelling at work? Being short with everyone?” Thomas asked.

“Yeah Tom, yeah. Just...please don’t drag them into this.” He said, looking over at his wife who was managing pretty well despite John practically drooling.

“Well now that that’s cleared up how about you introduce me to them aye?” Thomas said, patting him on the shoulder and walking past him.

“I fucking guess. C’mon.” He said walking quickly ahead of his friend as Y/N smiled upon their arrival. His heart skipping a beat at the sight of it.

“Y/N, love, I want ya to meet-“ He said before you cut him off. Eyeing the man who’d put your family in risky circumstances long ago.

“Thomas Shelby. Yeah...I know. Nice to see you in person.” You said, shaking his hand roughly and with a more colder glance than you’d had given his other brothers. You knew Thomas orchestrated everything within the blinders, so he was often the one blamed when things went south, and you had no problem casting the blame on him when Johnny would come home half conscious and bleeding, or limping with a bullet wound or two.

“Pleasure’s all mine Y/N. How’s the family?” He asked, sitting beside Johnny around the bonfire that was slowly burning out.

“Good now that their father is back. This little one is Sarah, the wild one over there is Alice, and our boy here is Samuel.” You said, pointing with your free hand to your small crew of children.

“Aye, so he tells me you met by chance. How in the hell did this man meet a woman like you?” He asked.

You looked down slightly at your daughter who was surprisingly sleeping soundly, her small mass of hair on her head coming in as dark as her fathers.

“I told your brothers already but, uh we met when I was traveling with me family. Saw him scrapping with some other men from nearby, I guess ya locked eyes long enough with me that they knocked you out aye love?” You said lightly punching Johnny’s shoulder.

“Aye they did. Couldn’t stop bloody lookin’ at ya. I mean seriously boys. Isn’t she a beauty? I’m a lucky man. A lucky lucky man.” He said, lighting a cigar as you smiled and put your free hand on his. It was rough from years of work, but as warm as the hugs he gave. He was home to you, no matter where you all went, he was the one constant thing you longed for, knowing in your heart he was yours forever.

Johnny Dogs Tag List:

@flysafepapi, @gaytommyshelby, @ta-ka-shi-ma

If you’d like to be added/removed, just send me an ask/message. :)

[dclsbaby]

tolerate it - Dominic Calvert Lewin 🦋

Summary: despite being in love, you and dom drift apart during a career hiccup and it breaks your heart into tiny little pieces

Word Count: 3.1k

Warnings: angst? pain?

A/N: hi everyone! I took the looongest hiatus known to mankind and I just want to thank everyone who has still stuck by this blog! I haven't written in a while and this isn't by best work but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway! ily!

masterlist

I wake and watch you breathing with your eyes closed

I wake and watch you breathing with your eyes closed

I sit and watch

I notice everything you do or don’t do

Every little thing he does leaves you in awe. The man can’t do no wrong in your eyes. You notice the way he breathes, his little gestures, his subtle movements. Others can envision an entire story just by observing the way he looks at you. As you lay in bed with his body next to yours, his chest rising with every breath taken, you discover a newfound appreciation to add to the list of things you love about him. You have never felt a feeling so intense, so visceral. Love is terrifying, isn’t it? Love often leads to infatuation, and this was no different to you. You wear your heart on your sleeves, feel every emotion, from the exhilarating highs, to the excruciating lows. To be dependent on another human for happiness is a dangerous game. You fear love. And with fear comes paranoia.

It started when your conversations became shorter and shorter by the day. Then, it’s him arriving late from training, to no longer waking you up before he leaves for early morning training. No more forehead kisses when you’re still asleep, no more post-it notes on refrigerator doors telling you he’s made you breakfast, no nothing. Bodies that were once intertwined each night now rest apart with unwanted distance in between. Distance you so wanted to close.

As the weather turned cold, so did he.

I wait by the door like I’m just a kid

Use my best colours for your portrait

Lay the table with fancy shit

And watch you tolerate it

Without fail, you would always wait for him to come home, run to the door when you hear his car pull over on your driveway and leap into his arms the second he steps in your shared home. He would hold you up as your legs wrap around his waist, and whisper “I’ve been waiting to come home to you all day,” in your ear. A memory you long to relive.

You knew he had been struggling, coping with a plateau in his career, playing less and less, becoming a resident of the substitution bench. It hurt you to see him hurt, but it also pained you that he did not turn to you for comfort. “Nothing is wrong,” he says, over and over. Lies, you thought. You know him better than anyone else. So you try and convince him that he could trust you, and that keeping it all in would only make it worse. I mean you would know, as you have been suppressing so much pain this whole time. But he wins this battle yet again, and with his ego intact, he shrugs it off, ignores his frustration, and pushes you away.

While you were out building other worlds, where was I?

Where’s that man who’d throw blankets over my barbed wire?

I made you my temple, my mural my sky

Now I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life

As months passed by, you were no longer his live-in partner, but a stranger he has to coexist with, leaving you lonely each night as he drifted off to sleep inches away from you. Even then your love for him is still as potent, as strong. Your loyalty is a crime.

Your efforts to make him feel better never ceased, as you continue cooking him his favourite meals after training, helping him pack his bags the night before he leaves for international duty, doing household chores so he never had to bother with them after coming home from an exhausting day, making playlists of songs you think he’d like, and putting movies and tv series you know he would enjoy in his Netflix list.

You would do anything for some form of acknowledgement.

You would do anything to bring back those first two years back.

You would do anything for a simple touch, a hug, an embrace.

You would do anything for… something.

Everything you did, you did for him. Every thought that passes your mind, involves him.

It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase. You try to convince yourself. That’s a lie, another subconscious voice says.

---

It was the night before the Merseyside derby, which happens to be the final match of the season. The most anticipated match of the year. The perfect match. The match that determines if Everton is crowned Premier League champions. Half of the city at war with the other half. Two colours, two clubs with a historic rivalry battle it out on the pitch once again.

He was nervous, you could tell. You catch him playing with his food and struggle to finish his meal as he was sick to his stomach. After months of hate comments, online trolling, and being subject to pundits’ criticism, this was the perfect match to prove all the doubters that he is worthy of wearing his blue jersey. He spent several more minutes tossing pieces of food with his fork until he got up, placed his plate on the sink, and made his way up the stairs to sleep. No “see you upstairs”, or a last goodbye before he sleeps. You had to resist every temptation to start a fight and argue that you deserve more than silence. But you knew how important tomorrow’s occasion is, and decided against it.

Shortly after you make your way into your bedroom. He was curled on the edge of the bed, eyes closed, bedroom lights dimmed. You go to your shared bathroom, take what’s left of your makeup off, and get ready for bed. You stare at yourself in the mirror. Darkened under eyes, lips cracked down the middle. You were dehydrated, tired, exhausted, and looked almost ghastly. Turns out having a broken heart does have implications on your vanity. How much longer can I do this? You thought. You felt pathetic, feeling sorry for yourself. You exhale a deep sigh and make your way back into the bedroom, joining him in bed. As you settle on the bed, you turn your body away from him, and tug the duvet your way, curling into a fetal position and tuck yourself in, and drift off to sleep.

All of a sudden, you hear sounds of shifting sheets, the bed slightly moving with every turn he makes. You could tell he was awake. You knew the events of tomorrow are playing on his mind and making him lose sleep. With only a little hesitation, you extend an arm and rest your hand on his back, causing him to shudder a little. Your touch had stopped the shifting and brought him comfort he did not know he needed. Not long after, you could hear soft snores from his side of the bed.

---

You woke up to an empty bed, which was not unusual. You forgive him though, since it is a big day and he probably had to tune into the game day mentality early in the morning.

You watch the game from home and stare at the TV screen as the cameras zoom into Dom, his face serious, ready to fight it out on the pitch. Since the second the referee blew the first while, it had already gotten intense. Both teams began attacking from the get-go, a handful of chances created even though it’s barely been a quarter of an hour.

Minutes passed, and yellow cards have been handed out for several players. Every spectator in different time zones all glued to their screens, all on the edge of their seats until half-time. The camera catches a glimpse of him walking off the pitch. He looked angry and frustrated, you could tell. He was responsible for most of the chances created during the game, though he couldn’t seem to poach one in.

Ben had made a long pass that Dom couldn’t quite convert into a goal.

Lucas had delivered a stunning, almost perfect cross that landed on Dom’s head, but it went wide.

Richy had attempted a shot on his own, which pissed Dom off.

It’s all square at half-time, but football is a game of two halves, and to decide which side of the city will celebrate tonight is determined by the next 45 minutes at least.

Every player is now back on the pitch, ready to give it their all.

10 minutes in, it’s long balls and defending, the opposition giving no room to maneuver through the box. That is until Lucas passed another strikingly accurate cross.

“MISS AGAIN! How could he have missed a cross like that a second time?”

“Everton’s number 9 squashes an open goal opportunity, what a shame, that.”

“He’s going to hate himself for that,”

“He already does, Calvert-Lewin looks like he’s about to see red.”

You listen to the commentators as they describe Dom’s frustration. You watch with anxiety, occasionally scrolling through your phone to avoid the intensity.

---

Into the final minute of the game 90+3.  Still all square at the Goodison. It’s now or never.

“Free kick!”

“The free-kick will be done 20 yards off the goal post.”

“This could be the last chance of the game!”

“It’s been decided that Sigurdsson will take the free kick, Calvert-Lewin leaps into the air, ball’s on his head—GOAL!!!”

And just like that, in the final minute of the game, his team clinches the winner, and your man is hailed the hero of the night.

You watch the screen as the referee blows the final whistle of the game, Dom doing sprints around the pitch with his teammates, bodies jumping on each other, veins popping through every neck, roars of exhilaration filling the open air as Everton is calculated to win the league.

You watch him immerse himself in the exhilaration of crowning his team champions of the Premier League. The blue confetti rained over the stadium in the crisp yet comfortable afternoon air, cheering noises blasting through the speakers. You watch the screen zoom into the love of your life, or was. You see his perfectly chiseled face, those bright green eyes, brunette locks still perfectly put together even after a hard-fought game, his sweet smile warming your heart. Your eyes glued to the screen as your man is hailed a hero, and feel an overwhelming sense of pride.

Though not even the cheering and happy faces on TV could distract you from the churning feeling in your stomach. It’s a feeling you can’t quite pinpoint. Is it confusion? Anger? Happiness? You don’t even know.

You’re happy for him, truly. But you can’t seem to shake the fact that it took him being distant from you, and completely ignoring your existence to get his head back in the game. It’s like you and football were mutually exclusive, and he can’t focus on both things he loves most at the same time. You weren’t going to make him choose either.

---

He didn’t come home that night, and you saw it coming. You knew he was going to go out with his teammates, and rightfully so, they achieved a massive milestone after all. But it bothered you that he didn’t say anything, no texts, no voicemails, nothing to tell you of his whereabouts. You thought he would at least change after all that success, but still nothing. Everything is going to stay the same, isn’t it? You thought.

The next morning you wake up to an empty bed. Again. Totally expected. You reach out for your phone and see 10 missed calls from your best friend and several text messages with picture attachments. You were not prepared for what you were about to see.

Attached were pictures of him in a club with his teammates, pictured awfully close to a woman you don’t recognise. He was smiling and looked happy. You can’t remember the last time he looked like that, or even smiled at you. You haven’t even stood as close as they way that woman is in his space, for months. He hasn’t looked at you the way he’s looking at her in those pictures for months.

You felt sick. Your mind is racing. Your heart feels like it’s about to fall out of your chest. You wanted to cry and scream but nothing came out. Total silence. Pure shock. You had no tears left to cry, as you wasted it all from crying yourself to sleep just inches away from the man who broke your heart every day.

Should I have seen it coming? Has he been going out with her for months? When did it start? You try to remember every single detail over the past few months. Every single pain, every single action that you could have overlooked.

---

By the afternoon, you’ve already spent hours sitting on your bed, staring at the pictures sent to you. More links have appeared as gossip sites picked up on the story.

“Dominic Calvert-Lewin celebrates historic Merseyside win with a mystery girl who is not his missus”

“Everton Hero – Also a Cheat”

“Cursed WAGs – DCL celebrates PL win with mystery woman as his missus is MIA”

The more you read these news outlets, the number you feel. The whole of England knows your dirty laundry, you felt like a fool.

You were done.

Drawing hearts in the byline

Always taking up too much space or time

You assume I’m fine, but what would you do if I…

Break free and leave us in ruins

Took this dagger in me and removed it

Gain the weight of you, then lose it

Believe me I could do it

Shortly after you hear keys rattling downstairs, followed by the sound of doors shutting. You hear footsteps walking up the stairs, and you mentally prepare to see his face. You still don’t know how you’re going to react, not until you see him.

As he steps into the doorframe, he sees your bloodshot eyes and stops in his tracks.

“So, I presume you’ve seen what’s being said about me,” he moans.

“Yeah, yeah I’ve seen,” you shrug.

“It’s absolutely ridiculous isn’t it, shouldn’t believe everything you say,” he says.

“-is it though? Is it absolutely ridiculous that what they say could be true?” you cross your arms.

“Of course, it is! What are you even saying?” he says, offended.

“I’m saying that I have spent months slaving for you, putting you before myself without getting anything in return! I’m saying that I have been so miserable in this sad excuse of a relationship, holding onto the last memory of when you last said you loved me which was months ago! I’m saying that it would not be so unbelievable if you had been cheating on me, and that I had to find out from some tabloids!”  

“If you had been so miserable then why didn’t you say anything? You could have said something if you’ve been so unhappy!” Dom yells.

“Because I have been tiptoeing around you! Afraid of saying the wrong things to set you off, I did not want to be a burden during a time when I know you’re struggling,” you sigh.

Dom’s body nearly goes limp after hearing your confession.

“I put you before myself over and over again for the past year, and you have the nerve to assume I’m fine? Fine with what? Being ignored? Being second best? You don’t know what that does to a person,” you cry.

“Do you regret it?” he asks with tears in his eyes. “Do you regret me?” he looks at you.

“No, Dom. No, I don’t. I don’t regret you because I’ve spent the last few months giving it my all to a relationship on the brink of ruins. I never gave up on you, and I never gave up on our love, or what’s left of it,” you sigh. “Deep down, I think I knew that I deserved more than a pathetic excuse of a career hiccup, but I was prepared to stand by you through it all,” you break into cries. “My love was strong enough to ignore every warning sign, strong enough to mute fire alarm bells ringing in my head, alerting me to leave a relationship where I was no longer appreciated,” you rest your head on your hand. “Maybe we’re all allotted a certain amount of fight to give per love, and today… Today I ran out,” look up at him.

“Don’t fucking say that. Do not say that. I am not done fighting for this relationship, I know I fucked up! You don’t think I know that? I will fix everything, you don’t have to do anything, let me do everything I will fix us!” Dom begs.

“There’s no fixing us. It takes two people to fix a relationship, I learned that the hard way and I singlehandedly attempted to piece us back together only for you to break through what I’ve built and held together with my bare fucking hands,” you say as you wipe your tears away.

Dom drops to the floor as he could no longer stand the pain he feels from what you’ve just said.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I-I don’t know what to say,” he pleads

“If it took you this long, and if it took me standing here yelling at you for you to regret what you did then we are past the point of fixing,”

“You know what football means to me, I felt stuck, everything that I had dreamed of as a kid was slowly fading, I couldn’t bear it,” Dom reasons.

“I would never get in between you and football. I would never have even considered making you choose, Dom. I would have done absolutely anything for you, anything, you said. “I just needed you to tell me what the hell is going on so I could have helped you. I did not deserve to be swept under the rug, to be left feeling useless, while you were out doing god knows what with god knows who after training every. Single. Day.”

“Are you implying that I cheated on you?! That I, me – someone you’ve known for years, is cheating on you?”

If it’s all in my head, tell me now

Tell me I’ve got it wrong somehow

“Go on then! Tell me I’m making all of this up in my head. Tell me that I am not wrong to assume such insane thoughts, tell me that it is so beyond the realm of possibility that you could ever be unfaithful.”

Dom stayed silent.

You simply nodded and picked up your belongings, ready to leave.

“Nothing happened. I swear,” he pleaded.

“Your silence was enough,

Goodbye.”

I know my love should be celebrated

But you tolerate it

[anubislover]

Welcome to the Heart Pirates, Nami-ya chapter 19: Lying Hearts

“How can anyone stand to live in a city like this?” Nami grumbled as the light glinted off of yet another painfully white building. True, the setting sun had lessened the glare slightly, but after an entire afternoon of it, she was developing quite the headache, even with the sunglasses.

Law shrugged and continued walking at a leisurely pace, still unaffected. “I’m sure if you’re born somewhere like this it’s easier, but people can learn to tolerate almost anything given enough time, I suppose.”

“Do you think you’d be able to learn to tolerate bread?”

“I said almost. I’d sooner die of starvation.”

She shook her head with a chuckle but kept pace, following his lead. Instead of heading straight back to the submarine, Law had insisted on a few detours through Atifakuto—partially in case anyone had grown suspicious and decided to follow them, but also to scope out potential escape routes under the guise of sightseeing. Nami, for her part, had been exceedingly helpful in this, mapping out in her head which stairways lead where and pointing out various places to hide. If Law found her compliance suspicious, he didn’t say anything; it was in their best interest to work together, especially with some potentially valuable goods on the line, so her behavior was easily rationalized.

For her, however, there was more than artifacts or even belli at stake. This heist had to go well. She needed Law to trust her enough to open up about why he was so obsessed with Amber Lead. Perhaps if he could do that, she wouldn’t even have to sneak into his quarters to take a look at the ledgers. She could just ask and he’d let her in like a rational human being.

Of course, in order for either of their plans to succeed they needed to know where the vase was. Luckily, the rest of the Hearts hadn’t been sitting idle on the submarine. They’d been investigating every possible gallery, art collector, museum, and auction house their prize could possibly be at. The second they had a lead, they’d call on the mini Den Den Mushi.

Until then, though, Law and Nami were forced to meander about the city, planning and killing time.

“So, while we wait for some intel, what else are you going to buy me?” she asked as they wandered the fourth level. They’d passed quite a few shops, and while most had stocked dull business suits similar to the last store, Nami felt her bags were tragically light. They were in a beautiful-if-blinding city, and she was walking away with only one outfit? What a travesty.

Snorting dismissively, Law glanced down at her with a clear look of are you kidding me? on his face. “Nothing. I told you I was only getting you one outfit. I’m your captain, not your sugar daddy.”

“You know, for a man who wants this little job to go well, you’re not putting in nearly the effort you should,” she quipped, a sly smile on her lips, eyelashes fluttering prettily. “I’m supposed to look professional and put together if I’m gonna pull off being your lovely assistant. That means I need matching shoes and accessories. Maybe a cute leather purse or briefcase to really sell it.”

“If you want those so badly then buy them yourself. Or,” he smirked, halting his pace to turn around and catch her chin between his fingers, tilting her head up towards him as he stepped in close enough so she could feel his body heat, “you earn them by doing certain favors for daddy.”

Her cheeks only pinkened a little at his innuendos while she stuck out her tongue and shoved him away. Last night’s dream wasn’t quite as close to the forefront of her mind anymore, but that didn’t mean his smirk didn’t do things to her she’d rather ignore. “Pass. You should know by now that it takes more than clothes for me to play nice.”

“Mmm, I do. That’s what makes it so much fun,” he purred, gold eyes glinting in wicked amusement. One gloved hand was shoved into his pocket while his free arm slung itself casually over her shoulder as he continued stalking along the fastidiously clean road. “But since you’re currently insisting on being a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man to provide for her, you can instead borrow some shoes from Ikkaku, and she might still have a pair of glasses or something from the time she pretended to be a receptionist at a Naval base.”

Brown eyes widened at his statement. Not because he was suggesting that she borrow clothes or anything, but the bombshell he’d just casually dropped in light of her recent discovery.

“Was this for one of your plans?” she asked, shoulders stiffening.

He shrugged like it was no big deal, though he did give her a curious glance at the way she tensed beneath him. “Yeah. We needed someone on the inside, and they’d put out an advertisement for an attractive female in her early twenties. It’s not like Uni or Penguin could do it.”

“But…holy shit, Law, are you serious?” she hissed, dragging him over to an unoccupied part of the street behind a solitary gated tree so she could scold him in private. There weren’t too many people about, but the last thing they need was to get unwanted attention because they’d caused a scene, even if Law totally deserved to get chewed out at the top of her lungs for being such an asshole. “Ikkaku has Marine brothers who want her dead and you sent her into the lion’s den? What the fuck?!”

Caught off-guard by her anger, Law’s eyebrows shot up briefly before furrowing. “She told you about them?”

Damn. In her shock and anger on her friend’s behalf, she’d forgotten that this was a subject she wasn’t technically supposed to know. But instead of admitting guilt, she doubled down and threw on her best poker face.

“Yeah. She told me,” she lied easily. Too easily. It came as naturally as it had back in the days she’d been working under Arlong, getting close to pirates by lying through her teeth and then robbing them blind. How many crews and captains had she deceived before Luffy? Nami had honestly lost count, but once she’d joined up with the Straw Hats, lying to a supposed ally hadn’t been quite as instinctual.

But this isn’t Luffy, and Law’s keeping way more secrets than I am, she rationalized. It’s just a little white lie anyway. He’d be way more pissed at Shachi and Penguin for telling me. I’m looking after those guys.

Law’s expression hardened, and for a moment she wondered if he’d seen through her bluff. She didn’t think she’d gotten too rusty in the lying department, but Law was smart and distrusting in general, so she couldn’t quite tell. Trepidation hung heavy in the air as she waited for him to speak, mind going a mile a minute coming up with new lies and explanations to appease him. Worse came to worst, she could throw the guys under the bus, even if she didn’t really want to, but they were his best friends, so Law would doubtlessly be more forgiving towards them, right?

Thankfully, it seemed his anger came from a completely different place, as he snarled quietly through clenched teeth, “Nami-ya, I am, as you have pointed out rather frequently in the past, a control freak. Do you really think I would devise a plan that required sending my top mechanic into a Marine base if there was even a chance she could be recognized? Especially by her utter shit of a brother?”

She flinched at the vitriol in his voice. It seemed she’d touched a nerve, and unless she wanted to lose all the progress she’d worked for, she knew it was best to back down. “Sorry. You’re right.”

“I’ll accept your apology if you tell me what prompted her to tell you,” he stated, crossing his arms. “It’s not information she makes widely known, even to those who are permanent members of my crew.”

Well. At least this was easy enough to justify, and she’d be doing both Law and Ikkaku a favor, right? Sure, the guys would obviously tell him later, but being the first to warn him might earn her a few more crumbs of trust. “There was an article in the paper about Marine reinforcements coming to the Grand Line. Ushi was interviewed. He seemed pretty intent on taking down the Heart Pirates.”

Law froze, his frown deepening into a dark sneer. The tic in his jaw and the way his fists clenched reminded her of his reaction to Ikkaku having been attacked on Grimm. “That fucker will stay away from Ikkaku if he’s got any brains in him.”

“You’re pretty protective of her,” she said. Sure, he’d perhaps phrased his defense in a way that implied his priority was the plan, it was clear from the hiss in his voice that Ikkaku’s safety had been genuinely considered.

The brim of his hat hid his eyes as he stated, “I’m protective of all my crew. She’s just…it’s hard to find submarine engineers, let alone ones as skilled as her. Ikkaku’s hard to replace.”

Well that stinks to high heaven of bullshit, she thought. Sure, the Surgeon of Death had a rightly-earned cruel reputation, but he’d shown time and again his crew meant a lot to him. Stepping in close, she used her finger to lift his hat enough to see his expression unobstructed. “Is that why you let her sass you? Because if she walked you’d be dead in the water?”

The gold orbs glared down at her, though the held no heat. “Everyone on the crew is a vital component. Like gears in a well-oiled machine. You’ve gotta take care of them to make sure they don’t break.”

When Nami merely raised a disbelieving eyebrow, he sighed, body deflating slightly. “Look, Nami-ya, everyone on my crew, we’ve all got shit in our pasts. Some have overcome it. Some still carry the scars. Ikkaku…hers is one of the few that’s actively still trying to get her. So yeah, maybe I’m a bit more protective, but it’s for a damn good reason.”

Ok, now that was a fair point. “I’m surprised you haven’t just killed him.”

“Oh, I want to,” he snarled. “No brother should try to hurt their siblings. They’re supposed to look after them. The only reason Ushi-ya still draws breath is because Ikkaku begged me to spare his pathetic life.”

It suddenly dawned on Nami that, despite his criticizing Luffy for not being more bloodthirsty, Law was…surprisingly merciful in his own ways, too. He didn’t murder Ikkaku’s brother, despite having clear reason to, just because she asked. He rescued Jean Bart from a life of slavery despite not knowing him. And while she didn’t fully understand the Ope Ope no Mi’s powers, she wondered if his cuts didn’t draw blood because he didn’t want them to?

She wasn’t sure if he had a complexity addiction or if he genuinely wanted to minimize bloodshed, but once again another side of the incredibly fascinating man had been revealed.

Taking a deep breath to calm his anger, he gave Nami a sadistic smile. “Doesn’t mean I let him off the hook with a sternly-worded warning, though. Wanna know what I did to him the last time we met?”

Nami turned a bit green as she remembered Jinzo’s still-beating heart in his hands. Complex and caring towards his crew or not, he was still a twisted bastard. “Fuck no!”

Briefly he pouted at not getting to regale her with the gory details before shrugging. “Pity. It was quite the eventful evening. In fact, it was also the night of mine and Drake-ya’s first kiss.”

“How the hell are those two things connected?!”

“Well, I had to distract him somehow. He was guarding my poor mechanic like a dragon would a virtuous princess.”

Before she could demand more details, or even snort at the idea of Ikkaku being virtuous, the sound of the mini Den Den Mushi reached their ears, interrupting the conversation.

Looking around to make sure there weren’t any eavesdroppers, Law pulled out the little snail phone and clicked down on the top. “Guessing you’ve got something for me?”

“I do,” the snail answered, and Nami recognized the faint accent that indicated they were speaking to Cousteau. “Only one place that specializes in North Blue history. Jubilee & Atlas Antiques. It’s an auction house and gallery on the fifth level, a block away from the Elevate Deliverer Restoration Church.”

“Well that’s a needlessly long name,” he quipped, rolling his eyes. Mentally, Nami had to agree, though it also sounded vaguely familiar. “At least that makes it easier to find. Anything else I should know? Other landmarks, nearby guard stations, that sort of thing?”

There was a moment of hesitation before Cousteau replied, “No station, though there would probably be at least a few guards wandering around at night. It’s, uh, right by a fountain. Blessings from the White City.”

Nami’s eyes widened a little. Oh. Now she remembered. That had been the church with the huge stained-glass windows. The one in her book, by the tribute to Flevance.

“…I see.”

The little snail chewed its lip, clearly concerned. “Captain, if you want, I can do all the surveillance—”

“It’s fine,” he cut in, tone sharp before smoothing out, “I saw it earlier. In fact, I’m glad it’s so close. Nami-ya and I will check out the gallery. We’re nearby and I’d rather see it with my own eyes to get the lay of the land. Unless anyone else has a better lead, you and the others can head back to the ship.”

“Understood, sir. Anything else you need?” he asked, sounding relieved.

“Just tell Clione I might have a job for him later on, so don’t make any evening plans.”

“Aye-aye, Captain.”

The call ended, and Nami peered up at Law, expecting signs of the same darkness that had crossed his face when they’d visited the fountain earlier. Instead, his face was totally blank, staring down at the tiny snail, expressionless.

Somehow, that was far, far more unnerving.

“Law?” she asked, touching his arm hesitantly.

As if awoken from a trance he shook his head before smirking down at her. “Well, hope you don’t mind one last detour before heading back to the ship? I know it’s more stairs but look on the bright side; at this rate, the definition of your calf muscles will be a thing of beauty.”

He didn’t wait for her to respond, turning on his heels and heading towards the direction of the stairs to the next level. Frowning, she began to doubt whether or not this was all a good idea. She didn’t know exactly what his deal was, but she really felt like he was too close to this. But she had the feeling trying to talk him out of it would be an exercise in futility, and would set her back far more than any lie she might spin.

Oh well, she sighed internally, jogging to catch up, so long as he doesn’t do anything stupid. He’s sensible enough to keep a cool head, no matter what his problem is. It’ll be fine.

While it wasn’t far, it took longer than either of them would have expected to actually find Jubilee & Atlas Antiques. Mainly because it was a surprisingly nondescript building compared to the opulent churches and museums nearby. Honestly, based on the exterior, one could easily have passed it by. Like everything else the building was pristinely white, the windows boasting small arches over them and flower boxes containing white impatiens. Really, the most impressive thing about it was the marble plaque out front boasting the company’s name in gold leaf.

But the two pirates didn’t really care about the appearance; it was what was inside that counted. That, and the information board out front, which stated in bold, black letters that there would be a showing and auction of North Blue artworks at 8pm that evening.

“Why don’t you just Scan the place, grab the vase, and walk away? Seems like that would be easy compared to putting on this charade?” Nami asked, eyeing the building. It was hardly Harpin’s mansion; it would take almost no effort for Law to use his powers to steal every item of value inside it, replacing artifacts, paintings, and money with pebbles and potted plants with a mere flick of his fingers, then teleporting them away to safety.

Really, if he weren’t such an ass, Trafalgar Law would be a thief’s dream partner.

Of course, he was an ass, so he gave her a look that implied he considered her question to be phenomenally stupid. “Because there’s no guarantee that the vase is even in there—for all I know it’s being kept in a secondary location until the actual event for security or health reasons. It is a relic from a city that suffered a notorious death toll both before and after the World Government had quarantined it,” he explained lowly. “On top of that, my Room would draw too much attention, so if it’s not in there, we’ll have blown our whole cover and probably the operation.”

Though disappointed that they couldn’t just whisk it away with his powers, she conceded that he had a point. Versatile and useful as they were, the Ope Ope no Mi’s abilities did have their drawbacks. Actually infiltrating the auction house was a safer move.

Yet for a moment, she saw Law glare at the building, as if he were equally frustrated that they couldn’t just grab their prize and go. Perhaps even a great mastermind like him sometimes wished to take the direct path. “At least we can be sure it’ll be presented at this auction,” he reassured, almost as much to himself as her as his hand rested on Nami’s lower back while he escorted her away. “Makes it easier to come up with a plan and contingencies when I actually know the target. My crew did good.”

She twirled a strand of hair around her finger in thought. She supposed he was right, and the pride in his voice when he mentioned the Hearts’ contribution…well, she knew better than to argue with that. Seemed the lesson he learned on the last island was sticking. “Still too bad we don’t have blueprints like Harpin’s house, though.”

“It can’t be helped. That was a job I’d been planning for months. This is more…spontaneous. Why? Scared and looking to back out?” he asked, glancing down at her with a challenging grin.

Nami scoffed. She was a thief that specialized in robbing pirates. Sure, she was a scaredy-cat, but when treasure of some kind was at stake, there were few risks she wouldn’t take. “Not a chance. Just pointing out that we’re going in more blind than last time.”

“Maybe, but at least our prize will be out in the open and not in the home of a former Marine with tentacles. Hell, we might even get it legally.”

“Law,” she started, brow furrowing. She wasn’t scared, but she did have a reasonable concern, especially with how intent he seemed on this one item. “What are we going to do if we don’t win the vase?”

The pair stopped by the Flevance fountain, Law taking a long moment to stare solemnly at the beautiful white angels. Without a word he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small coin, pressing it to his lips before flipping it into the water.

When he turned back to her, his gold eyes were as hard as the statues’ and twice as cold.

“Simple; we take it from whoever did.”

XXX

Hidden in a small cove on an unpopulated section of Atifakuto’s coast, the sight of the Polar Tang’s sunny yellow hull was a welcome relief after a whole day of the city’s stark white walls. Law seemed to agree as his tense posture relaxed into a comfortable slouch, even giving a few of the guys a small grin when they called out to them. To Nami, of course, the submarine was still far from the Sunny and thus would never be home, but she couldn’t help but smile at Law’s reaction. The Dark Doctor really did have some softness deep down.

Of course, that didn’t last long, as the moment they were within the safety of the cargo bay he was once more all business. “Dinner is in an hour. Rest up, brush up on your notes, do whatever you need to prepare for the auction tonight; I’ve got a few more dominoes to put in place,” Law stated. He’d been silent for most of the walk back, though Nami attributed that to him mentally filing through all the information they now had and formulating his plan. Much as she missed and loved Luffy, having a captain who didn’t just go rushing in like an idiot was a nice change of pace.

That didn’t mean she appreciated his tone, though. “Say please,” she quipped, hip jutting out. She might have decided to be more compliant for the sake of gaining his trust, but that didn’t mean she was going to let him boss her around.

Besides, if she were too accommodating, he’d probably grow suspicious and then she’d be right back at square one.

He scowled but apparently decided it would be a waste of time to argue. They were on a tight schedule, after all, so her attitude would have to be tolerated. For now. “Please,” he grumbled before marching off, beckoning Clione to follow him. The biologist glanced between the two, bewildered, but smartly said nothing before chasing after his captain.

Flashing a self-satisfied grin at Law’s retreating back, Nami practically skipped to her quarters. Even though they weren’t as prepared as she’d like, so far, things were going well. Perhaps they couldn’t just use Law’s powers to swipe the vase, but by obtaining it through legal means, they wouldn’t have the authorities after them, which would be nice. Besides, it wasn’t her money that would be spent at the auction.

Her research of the North Blue had taught her a few things, including just how valuable things from Flevance were. After all, things made from the white ore had been in high-demand during the city’s heyday; now that it was in ruins, any remaining artifacts would surely triple in price. And, admittedly, if that fountain had been anything to go by, the vase could very well be extremely beautiful. Something any art collector or historian might want for themselves.

Once more, she wondered why the hell Law wanted it. He collected coins, not art, so she doubted it would be something he wanted just for the heck of it. What was his obsession with Flevance—

That train of thought was derailed when Nami walked into her room. She blinked then rubbed her eyes, certain her vision was still messed up from the sun, because Ikkaku was still sitting at her desk, working on some little device, practically in the same position as that morning. Really, the only difference was the lack of towel around her head, though her curly hair was a tangled bird’s nest.

“Have you even moved today?” Nami exclaimed loudly, flabbergasted.

The mechanic jumped a few inches out of her chair, a pen cartwheeling through the air before falling back onto the surface of the desk with a clatter. Apparently since she’d had the room to herself, she hadn’t felt the need to put the earplugs back in, leaving her vulnerable to Nami’s loud voice. “Damn, girl, you scared me,” Ikkaku said with a breathy laugh. She glanced around, noticing the time on the clock and the fact that her hair had dried completely. “Guess I was in the zone.”

“You haven’t been working all day, have you?” Nami asked, plopping her shopping bag on her bed. “At least tell me you had lunch.”

“Sounding an awful lot like Law there,” she teased, pushing away from her desk to stretch. There was an audible pop from her back, and her dark eyes closed in relief. “Like me, too. The boys and I are always bugging a certain workaholic captain to eat something and not subsist solely on coffee and aspirin. But to answer your question, yes, I did have lunch.” She pointed at an empty plate that had been shoved into the far corner of the desk, a few grains of rice stuck to the surface. “Bepo brought me some onigiri.”

“Good. If you didn’t, I’d be dragging you into the galley and force-feeding you a sandwich, then charging you a cooking and inconvenience fee.”

Snorting, Ikkaku cracked her knuckles and rolled her shoulders, further releasing the tension sitting hunched over in one spot for hours had built up. “Dinner’s soon enough; even if I hadn’t eaten, I could have waited. And good luck making a sandwich with no bread on board.” Despite her dismissal tone, though, she gave a wry grin. “But thanks for caring, I guess, even if it does come with a price tag.”

“What are friends for?” Nami shrugged with a smile that was a little forced. It was such an alien feeling, this sudden awkwardness. Since first arriving on the Tang, she and Ikkaku had gotten on like a house on fire. It was almost inevitable, being the two women on the ship surrounded by men dealing with that insanity together. Hell, even if that hadn’t been the case, Ikkaku had practically sacrificed herself for her back at the club on Grimm. A companion like that was more than she’d even dared to dream of before she’d met Luffy.

Was it really right for Nami to act like she didn’t know about her brother? Should she just tell her that the guys told her about Ushi? Really, what was the point of keeping it a secret? It wasn’t that Nami thought she’d slip up and spill the beans—lying was her specialty, after all—but Ikkaku wasn’t some mark or stranger. She was her friend.

Hell, even if they were on opposite crews, she’d even dare to call her nakama.

The issue resolved itself, however, when the other woman’s expression turned a little melancholy. Ikkaku sighed as she rested her cheek on her fist, her other hand idly playing with the pen. “Heh. Funny, I used to ask myself that question a lot when I was younger. I didn’t really have friends back on my home island. I lived with my Gramps in a lighthouse, so besides the occasional trip to town, it was a pretty isolated life.”

“What about your brothers?” Nami asked, masking her interest by taking her purchases out of the bag so they wouldn’t wrinkle before the auction. A swell of relief surged through her. If Ikkaku talked about Ushi herself, the whole charade of pretending not to know about him wouldn’t even be necessary! She just had to carefully press for the right crumbs of information, maybe even offer up a couple tidbits about her own life in exchange. No big deal. Tit for tat, right? “Nojiko was my best friend growing up. Hell, probably my only friend until Luffy came along.”

A dark look crossed Ikkaku’s face. “Yeah, well, Nojiko on her worst day was probably a way better sibling than all of them combined.”

“I don’t think you’ve talked about them much. I basically just know that they exist and said you wouldn’t really make it as an engineer because you’re a girl.”

A long sigh escaped her lips. “That’s…the nice version. Didn’t want to unload my shitty childhood on you, especially since yours sounded worse. I mean, my island was never taken over by pirates, and I didn’t work for the guy who murdered my mom.”

Well, that was certainly true, but then again, people with healthy, normal childhoods seldom became pirates. Or at least, those that did rarely lasted long on such cutthroat seas. Nami should have realized there was more to the mechanic’s past than some run-of-the-mill misogyny. “Maybe, but I don’t mind. We’ve all gone through some rough shit, right? We wouldn’t be in this line of work otherwise.”

“True. I just…I guess I just like to pretend he doesn’t exist most of the time.”

“He?” she asked as if she didn’t already know.

Ikkaku’s calloused hand dropped the pen to instead clench into a tight fist, and there was a haunted look in her dark eyes as she stared off into space. “Ushi. He’s the oldest. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t afraid of him. Spent our childhood making our other brothers use me as a punching bag. When he wasn’t doing that, he gave me almost hourly reminders that I was a burden on the family, that no one really loved me, that I’d never amount to anything.” There was a hitch in her breath and a pause, and Nami noticed her close her eyes tightly for a moment. As if she were fighting back tears. It was a look she’d never expected to see on the tough, vibrant woman’s face. “Then, when I was seven, he tried to kill me.”

“What?!” Nami exclaimed, dropping her blazer to the floor in shock.

“Yeah. Joras had a huge fucking forest, and he led me into it to look for mushrooms or some shit. Can’t remember. Next thing I know, he’s shoved me into a pit, and by the time I’d climbed out, he was long gone and it was night. I think…I think it was supposed to be my grave, ‘cause it was really fucking deep. Or at least it seemed that way. Maybe I’m misremembering.”

Somehow, Nami doubted that. Sure, memories could get warped with age and fear, but some details remained solid for the rest of a person’s life. “But, you got out, right? And I’m sure your parents must have been worried sick!” She could almost picture it. A young Ikkaku, sticks and leaves caught in her messy curls, knees and elbows scraped, face covered in dirt and tears, frightened but once more able to smile when she was finally found, her mother and father scooping her into their arms, scolding her for worrying them but just so relieved she was safe…

At least, that’s what Bellemere or Mister Genzo would have done if Nami had gone missing.

From the bitter laugh that escaped her throat, Ikkaku hadn’t been so fortunate. “I spent three days wandering around those fucking woods, scared and cold and wondering if I was gonna die out there. My parents didn’t even notice I was gone.” After a long moment of silence, her fist unclenched and some of the tension eased out of her shoulders. “Gramps found me, though. When I didn’t come home after two days and a storm rolled in, my brothers Nausagi and Fukuro ran two miles to the lighthouse to tell him what Ushi had done. Maybe they realized he’d gone too far. Or they were scared I’d come back as a vengeful zombie. Either way, Gramps rescued me and demanded custody. Mama and Pops were glad to hand me over. One less mouth to feed, and I wouldn’t be causing their Future Marine Hero any more trouble.”

“That’s…that’s horrible.” And yet Nami could tell she was getting the abridged version of the story. “Tell me your grandfather was a better guardian.”

Despite the childhood trauma she’d just confessed to, Ikkaku merely shrugged, a small grin tugging at the corner of her lips. “Yeah. He was. Gramps was crazy, but he loved me and taught me how to fight. Told me to never lose my smile, ‘cause that’s my best protection against a world that’ll try to break me.”

“Bellemere said something similar to me and Nojiko. ‘Whatever happens, never lose your ability to laugh. If you can survive, happy times, lots of ‘em, will come your way’.”

“Smart lady.” She tried to casually run her fingers through her hair, only to find them caught in the tangled knots. She let out a light chuckle at her predicament and added, “I think she and Gramps would have gotten along pretty well. Well, assuming she liked salty former smugglers who had the gumption to threaten Law with a shot gun. Not that he didn’t deserve it a little.”

Nami had to smile at that, and she could only imagine what he’d said that had nearly gotten him shot. It was definitely something snarky, a shit-eating grin on his face while he provoked a protective grandfather just because he could.

Noticing Ikkaku’s hair situation, she abandoned her suit to instead pick up a wide-toothed comb. “Well, I’m not sure about Bellmere, but I’d certainly love to meet him.”

“Of course you would.” Leaning back in the chair, she allowed Nami to carefully put her thick curls to rights. “How was shopping? Boss show you the blinding sights of the city?”

“It was…enlightening,” she said cautiously. There was still so much to sort out, and every time she thought she had an answer to one of her questions, four more popped up in its place.

Grabbing the pen she’d been playing with earlier, Ikkaku handed it to her over her shoulder. “Here; I made you something, since I doubt you’ll be able to bring your Clima-Tact with you. Kinda why I was so focused—I wanted it to be ready by tonight.”

Curious, Nami inspected the item. It was a plain black ballpoint pen maybe a bit longer than her hand. There was an almost unnoticeable jolly roger engraved into the middle, and she ran her thumb over it idly. “You spent the whole afternoon making me a pen? I could have just as easily brought my stylus.”

“Oh, but a stylus is only good for writing. This is so much more useful. ‘The pen is mightier than the sword’, right? Click the top.”

She did so, and instead of an ink-filled nub, a small syringe, similar to an epi-pen, popped out. Her eyes widened in realization as Ikkaku explained, “Inside’s a powerful tranquilizer. Should knock any fool out in minutes if injected into the bloodstream. Takes longer if it’s ingested. It’s non-lethal to humans, so it should be safe to use on anyone you’re looking to knock out. Assuming they aren’t really Fishmen in disguise.”

“Why? Does it react differently for them?”

She grimaced. “Yeah. Severe allergic reaction. Anaphylactic shock typically. So, unless you want that on your conscience, humans only.”

Tucking the pen away for later, Nami nodded in understanding and went back to combing her hair. “Gotcha. Doubt it’ll be a problem, though. Jean Bart said this place is pretty humans-only.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s impossible for someone to have that kind of bloodline. If it’s diluted through a few generations, a lot of the time you can hide it and pass for human.”

“Hmmm, hadn’t thought of that.”

There was a moment where Nami could tell she was mulling something over. Even faced away from her, Ikkaku wasn’t hard to read, and it was only a matter of time before she voiced whatever question was on her mind.

While she waited, the ginger took the time to appreciate the texture of Ikkaku’s hair, combing out each curl individually so it wouldn’t frizz. The thick, black locks were coarser than her own, yet surprisingly soft despite her hard life at sea. Hair maintenance was extremely difficult living on the ocean, the salt and fluctuating weather of the Grand Line wreaking havoc on Nami’s much finer strands. And while Ikkaku was far more feminine than one would expect upon first meeting her, in the time they’d roomed together, she didn’t seem to put much more extensive care into her shiny locks than some leave-in conditioner.

Guess she’s just got some good genetics, Nami thought appreciatively. Either that or she’s hiding some amazing shampoo formula, and damn if she is I’ll never forgive her!

When Ikkaku at last broke her silence, the hesitation in her voice was palpable. “Hey, it was a Fishman who held you prisoner all those years, right? You ever…blame all Fishmen for what he did?”

It was an unexpected question, but a fair one, Nami supposed. Arlong had committed a crime so heinous she knew she’d never forgive him, and she knew there were plenty of people, especially ones who spent years abused by such a monster, who would project that hatred onto an entire race. But why even ask?

“I…not really. I mean, I can’t say I never lumped them all together in my head, since Arlong and his crew were my only baseline for Fishmen for a long time.” She bit her lip, thinking. “But that was when I was a kid. My view of things was a lot more black-and-white, mostly because I was bitter at my situation. As I got older, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was stupid to think all Fishmen were like him. He was the one who hurt me, so he’s the only one who should get my hate.”

“So, you don’t hate them all?”

She shook her head. “Nah. Hell, I was even able to forgive a member of his crew. I’m sure you heard about how Luffy punched a Celestial Dragon?”

Ikkaku craned her neck up to look at her, dark eyes widening in shocked understanding. “Yeah? You saying the Fishman he defended—”

“One of Arlong’s crew. Hatchi. Like all of them, he hurt me too, but it was on his captain’s orders, and he clearly regretted it.” Well, it had been a bit more complex than that. Hell, when they’d first encountered him again, she’d nearly gone back on her promise to Camie to rescue him. Even if he hadn’t abused her like the others, he’d still been complacent in it. Still destroyed villagers homes, held her hostage, attacked the Navy ships that tried to come to the rescue. He hadn’t been blameless in the least. She would have had every right to demand that he be left to be killed or enslaved. That it was karma come to bite him in the ass.

Yet what had swayed her, apart from Camie’s determination to save him, was her own friends’ reactions to seeing him again. Those who knew her past had immediately been ready to turn the ship around and leave Hatchi to his fate. Of course she’d expected Sanji to be her knight in shining armor and want nothing to do with someone who had abused a lady, even by proxy. Zoro and Usopp had been a bit more surprising, though perhaps it shouldn’t have been. They knew what she’d been put through. Had fought and bled for her. Despite their sometimes heated disagreements, Nami knew she could count on them to always have her back.

The one who shocked her the most was Luffy. He might have flip-flopped between reason and his stomach, but the fact was, her loving, forgiving captain had actually held a grudge on her behalf. Hatchi and Arlong hadn’t done anything to him personally, but his nakama had suffered, and that wasn’t something he’d easily set aside. That genuine show of solidarity and loyalty to her had melted what ice had still been around her heart, which allowed her to truly forgive the octopus Fishman.

Yes, Hatchi had hurt her, but her hatred was solely reserved for Arlong, not his underlings who genuinely felt remorse.

“I’m not a saint or anything but hating Hatchi…it seemed pointless. He wasn’t the one who killed my mother. And blaming all Fishmen for the actions of one seemed pretty shitty. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t kill Arlong if I had the chance, though.”

Nami could practically feel the tension drain from Ikkaku’s shoulders, and she couldn’t hide her smile before she looked away. “That’s good to know. That asshole deserves it, from what you’ve told me. He and my brother should meet, then get sacrificed to some kind of horrible sea monster. Plenty of hungry Sea Kings out there to feed.”

“Couldn’t happen to a nicer pair of guys,” Nami giggled as she ran the comb through the last strand of hair. “Though, that might be cruel to the Sea King. Poor thing deserves a better meal than shit like them.”

“True. We’ll just have to think of something else then. We can ask Law; he’s always got great suggestions.”

A shudder ran down her spine, though she had to admit, it wasn’t as horrified as she’d like. She justified it with the fact that Arlong was scum who deserved whatever painful death the likes of Law might propose. So did Ushi, from the sounds of things. Though, Law had said Ikkaku had begged him not to kill her brother. Why? Did she still care about Ushi due to their familial ties? Or was there something else?

Maybe she just doesn’t want her brother’s death on her conscience, Nami thought, putting the comb away and proceeding to raid the closet for shoes. I just hope that doesn’t come back to bite her someday.

XXX

Dinner on the Tang was certainly livelier and noisier than breakfast. Mainly because the crew didn’t have to walk on eggshells while waiting for Law to get his caffeine hit. Most of the time about a dozen different conversations could be heard, utensils clattered against plates, insults were tossed about, and laughter filled the air. But at the moment, the whole galley was silent save for Nami, who was telling the Heart Pirates—save for a few who’d been sent out on last-minute errands—all about her crew’s wild adventure on Skypiea.

“…so, after Luffy beat the crap out of him, Enel flew off to the moon in his gold airship, and we escaped the island with the help of an octopus balloon, our ship loaded with treasure!”

There was a pregnant pause as the Hearts stared at her in a mix of awe and disbelief. She’d had their undivided attention ever since Law announced that the Straw Hats had found Noland’s lost city of gold, all but demanding she tell the tale and not skimp on the details.

Naturally, those details made the story even more bizarre, practically unbelievable, but she gave them what they asked for, so they couldn’t complain. Even Law’s jaw had dropped once or twice in incredulity. Mostly at the part where Luffy’d been eaten by a giant snake and thus been hidden from Enel’s senses.

Finally, a few of the crew managed to find their voices.

“An orangutan nearly wrecked your ship with singing?” Shachi asked, face utterly baffled.

Penguin grabbed his hat and smacked him over the head with it. “That’s what you’re stuck on? That’s from way back in the beginning of the story!”

The ginger punched him in the shoulder in retaliation, which quickly devolved into a childish slap fight. “Well it’s weird, ok?”

“Weirder than Straw Hat punching Kami or the knock-up stream business or the ship that flew to the moon?”

“Yeah! You ever met an orangutan that could sing?!”

“No, but that’s not the point!”

“You met Monte Blac Cricket?” Ermine interrupted, eyes so wide the whites could be seen even under the rim of their hat, though their mouth quickly split into a smile. “Holy shit, I’d wondered what had happened to him!”

“Wasn’t he your friend or something?” Seiuchi asked through a mouth full of rice.

They shook their head, looking a little wistful, a faint blush rising to their cheeks. “Just a neighbor. The people of Lvneel were dicks to his family and anyone who associated with them didn’t get treated much better. But I always thought there had to be some truth to Noland’s story.”

“Because a city of gold is so fantastical it’s gotta be real?” Nami asked, amused. She’d half-expected everyone to laugh at her like the people on Jaya when she’d asked about Sky Island—she’d even glossed over that part, finding no reason to recap such a blow to her pride. Yet instead, they’d been respectful, even entranced by her tale. It seemed to help that she’d been able to fill in a few blanks with what she remembered from Noland’s ledger, thus adding credibility to the man himself instead of just imagining the lying fool the king’s slander had reduced him to.

Usopp would probably love these guys, she thought fondly. Not that they’d likely believe his fantastical lies, but they’d probably at least let him spin his yarns to his heart’s content.

“Because you don’t tell a king about a city of gold unless you’ve got something to show for it,” Uni interjected wisely, ladling some more curry onto her plate. He paused to smile at her with his eyes, the bottom half of his face still distinctly covered by his bandana despite it being dinnertime. This close, Nami couldn’t help but try to subtly look for signs of scarring, and in fact could spot a line of slightly-paler skin peeking out just over the edge. “That, and history’s rarely all that accurate. Full of lies and twisted to suit a certain narrative.”

“That’s the World Government way. I’m sure we’ll see plenty of it tonight,” Law stated, leaning back in his chair as he munched on some onigiri. The bulge in his cheek might have been comical, but the glint in his eye was humorless. “Can’t wait to hear the dumbass assumptions people make about us Northerners.”

Murmurs of agreement echoed throughout the room, though an angry tic formed on Nami’s forehead.

“Are you saying the stuff you had me study is going to be a load of crap?” she demanded, pointing her finger accusingly. Of course she knew history was skewed at best, but she’d spent days cramming! Had weird sexual dreams about him because of it!

Yes she was blaming the book for that and no one could stop her.

He shrugged and took another bite of rice, unbothered by her irritation. “It’s the information you’ll need to be able to regurgitate if anyone asks you about the North.”

“Yeah,” Penguin chimed in, nodding sagely. He and Shachi had finally been pulled apart by Jean Bart and had resumed eating like nothing had happened. “These people aren’t interested in the truth. They just want to feel superior to the ‘uneducated masses’.”

“Buncha pretentious pricks,” Shachi sniggered, balancing a spoon on his upper lip. “Bet they’d have a fucking fit if they found out El Dorodo’s not only real, but in the fucking sky!”

“I mean, can’t say I’d blame them,” Jude grumbled, playing a bit with his food like a grumpy child. “I figured we’d be the ones to find it, but this whole time we’ve been sailing around in a submarine for nothing!”

“You got something to say about my ship?” Ikkaku snapped, glaring at her crewmate. Behind her, Crozier, Cousteau, and Ermine made slashing motions across their throats, silently reminding him that disparaging the Polar Tang in any way in front of its chief engineer was a sure death sentence.

Before he could say anything, Uni thwapped him on the forehead with the spoon, apparently taking just as much offense. “How can you say it’s been for nothing—we’ve found tons of cool shit down here! May not have been El Dorado, but there have been some amazing sunken cities. And fish! We’ve discovered more aquatic animals than any other ocean explorer,” he pointed out excitedly, Cousteau nodding in agreement. “I mean, we’ve seen deep-sea fish not recorded in any book! Extracted hallucinogenic venom from puffer fish! Taken samples of bioluminescent plankton! We’ve seen octopi punch fish!”

“You ever figure out why they do that?” Shachi asked, cocking his head.

“Best I can figure? Spite.”

As weird as this little tangent was, Nami found herself giggling a bit at how excited Uni was. She didn’t know him too well, given how he was one of the quieter, more reserved members of the crew, but it was endearing to see him so animated and giddy as he discussed marine life.

“Plus, it’s cool to study navigational currents and everything, and underwater topography. The maps I can make from that kind of intel are really good,” Bepo added, twiddling his claws a bit beside her.

“Right! And if that’s still not enough to convince you, who needs a city of gold when you can get your hands on more sunken treasure than most pirates see in their lifetimes?” Uni asked, puffing out his chest.

She couldn’t help it—Nami’s eyes lit up with belli signs at the thought of how many sunken ships the submarine probably came across, all that gold theirs for the taking. Most treasure was basically lost once it hit the bottom of the ocean, but the Hearts’ ship and diving equipment turned the ocean floor into their personal piggy bank.

It seemed Jude had the same thought. “You’re right, you’re right,” he conceded, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry, it’s a great ship, and we’ve definitely found more than a city’s worth of loot—and yes the fish are cool Uni put the spoon away—but it’s still annoying to find out that we’ve been searching the wrong place this whole time.”

“Eh, happens to every pirate crew,” Jean Bart said, sipping his drink. “You find a treasure map only to discover the gold’s already dug up. Same with legends of lost cities. The fact that the Straw Hats actually found El Dorado and came away with a profit just means they’ve got the Devil’s luck on their side.”

“Or the favor of some god. Probably not that Enel guy, though,” Shachi said with a smirk. “And hopefully nothing from Joras, either.”

There was a murmur of agreement among the crew at that, though Ikkaku looked more uncomfortable than amused. Nami wasn’t the only one to catch that, though, as Uni reproachfully smacked the side of his head with the spoon.

“Dude. Don’t joke about the eldritch horror gods, yeah?”

“Sorry,” the ginger said, blushing slightly as he wiped away the curry splattered across his face.

“Eldritch horror gods?” Nami asked, recoiling at the thought. What the fuck?! Joras sounded vaguely familiar and given the context she guessed it had to be someplace in the North Blue, but she sure as hell didn’t recall reading anything about that! Was this something related to Northern culture, or were the guys just fucking with her?

“Nothing to worry your pretty little head over, Nami-ya,” Law stated with a smirk, though she didn’t miss the glare he sent Shachi’s way. “We’ve been sailing under the ocean for over five years and I’ve yet to see a sleeping god who can turn you mad with terror.”

“No, just an underwater ruin or two that talks about him,” Ikkaku muttered, picking at her food.

Underwater ruins with tales of sleeping gods? Sounds like something Robin would be interested in, Nami thought, nervous sweat running down her neck. Not that she’d be able to blame her. Sure, the archeologist was macabre as hell, but Nami could appreciate her thirst for knowledge, creepy or not. Who knew what history and cultures had been lost to the seas? Maybe there were even Poneglyphs down at the bottom of the ocean!

Damn. Robin and Law would probably get along great. She wasn’t sure if she was frightened or comforted by this thought.

Uni seemed to notice her unease and patted her shoulder. “We’ve seen some strange stuff down there, but nothing more dangerous than Sea Kings. Which, I mean, aren’t exactly friendly guppies, but they’ll leave us be. The Tang’s Seastone coating and electrical defenses ensure that.”

Though she still found the whole concept horrifying, she was appreciated how hard Uni was trying to keep the peace and not make things needlessly frightening for her. The whole crew had a morbid sense of humor, but while she’d mostly adapted, she still found this whole conversation creepy. It made her feel a little guilty for wanting to pry into his business. Yeah, it was annoying to know the crew was hiding stuff from her, but Uni deserved a little privacy, right?

“Yeah, and if there were anything more, Uni’s fish buddies would warn us ahead of time!” Malamute added.

“Fish buddies?” Nami asked, eyebrows lifting to her hairline in surprise. So much for respecting his privacy. “Wait, can you talk to fish?”

The man in question stiffened beside her. “I, uh, I can understand fish a little,” he said, looking nervous. His large hands twisted the napkin in his lap, and he refused to look at her. “It’s a Haki thing.”

“Haki can do that?” she asked, surprised.

“Observation Haki can do a lot of things, and Uni’s the best at it on the ship,” Law cut in harshly, glare brokering no argument. “It’s a skill that’s saved our asses plenty of times.”

Nami blanched at his defensive tone. “Hey, I’ll take your word for it, but you don’t have to act like I insulted his mother or something.”

“It’s ok, Law,” Uni said, shrugging a bit, though his face seemed to sink a little further into his bandana. “I know she didn’t mean anything by it. It’s a fair question, and it is a weird talent.”

“It’s not weird. It’s fucking useful as hell and I won’t hear anyone belittling my crew.”

“I’d never belittle him—” Nami snapped, starting to stand up to give Law a piece of her mind before Bepo’s heavy paws fell on her shoulders, gently but firmly keeping her seated.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized softly. “Law doesn’t mean you. It’s just…the last person outside the crew that found out, he was extremely cruel about it. Beat Uni to a pulp and even threatened to sell him as a freak show attraction before Captain found them.”

“Oh my god,” she replied, anger cooling quickly as she covered her mouth in horror, imagining Uni bruised and bloody on the ground at the hands of some bastard. Well, that would sure as hell explain why Law had taken such offense. If such a thing had happened to Chopper because he could speak to animals, she’d likely be just as pissed. From the scowls on the rest of the Hearts’ faces, the whole crew felt similar. Her gaze flicked to the fuming captain. “I’m guessing he ended up on your operating table?”

“I wish,” he growled, gold eyes glinting in fury as he crossed his arms. “Marines showed up before I could cut out his heart. Must have been his lucky day, but luck won’t be enough to save him if I ever run into Hyena-ya again.”

“Hyena?” she asked, the name not ringing any bells.

“Bellamy the Hyena,” Bepo explained, snout wrinkling in distaste. “He’s also from the North.”

Oh. My. God, Nami thought, wondering if the world was really so small. “You said Bellamy, right? Blonde hair? Spring powers? Asshole with a stupid grin?”

Law cocked an eyebrow in mild surprise. “Seems you’ve encountered him before.”

She ground her teeth as she remembered the way he’d mocked Luffy’s dreams in the bar. “Yeah. On Jaya. His crew laughed at me for asking about Sky Island and his first mate tried to buy me. Later he stole Cricket’s gold, so Luffy went after him. I didn’t see the fight but given what an ass that guy was…yeah, Luffy wiped that stupid smile off his face.”

Once more the room fell silent, but quickly broke out into thunderous applause.

“Hah! I would have paid good money to see that!” Ikkaku laughed, spirits lifted.

“If he hurt Cricket, I’m glad he got the beating he deserved,” Ermine said with a grin.

Uni smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling happily. “When you see Straw Hat again, shake his hand for me! That guy’s a dick.”

Even Law was put in a better mood, though there was still a malicious edge to his smirk. “Good on Mugiwara-ya. Still wouldn’t mind doing some permanent damage to the fucker myself, though. Bad enough he insulted my crew, but that bastard should pick his idols more carefully.”

Nami’s brow furrowed at that. His idols? The hell did that mean?

She didn’t have time to vocalizing that question, though. Sweat ran down her neck when said smirk then took a more lecherous edge as he rested his chin on his fist, eyes glinting with mischief. “But Sarquiss-ya tried to buy you? I might have prioritize kicking his ass, then. I’m the only one who gets to be your sugar daddy.”

“Oh shut up! You didn’t even buy me new shoes!”

“You got her a suit but no shoes? For shame, Boss,” Ikkaku giggled, getting up to help Seiuchi and Jude clear the tables. “I thought you were supposed to be a ladies’ man.”

“I’m a cruel bastard who doesn’t do something for nothing. She can borrow yours.”

Sauntering over, she playfully poked him in the forehead. “Says who?”

Law snorted and childishly poked her right back. “Me. Your captain. The guy who pays your salary.”

“You pay me to keep the submarine running and sass you when you’re being an idiot.”

“I don’t pay you for that.”

“Mmmm, you’re right; that’s a service I provide for free.”

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say those two were siblings,” Nami chuckled under her breath.

“Right? When I was first recruited I was convinced they were secretly related,” Uni agreed.

Bepo gave them both a smile and said quietly, “I think it’s good for them. Especially Law. I think he secretly likes having a little sister again.”

Brown eyes widened at that little tidbit. Law had a sister? What happened to her? Bepo had stated the past tense, so there was either some kind of falling out or…

…oh no, she thought, turning to watch Law continue to bicker good-naturedly with Ikkaku, his expression annoyed but the glimmer in his eyes belying that he was enjoying himself. Another piece of the puzzle that was the Surgeon of Death had fallen into her lap, but it wasn’t a particularly happy one. Sure, people died or were killed all the time, but Nami couldn’t imagine what she’d be like if she’d lost Nojiko. And depending on how young they’d been or how she’d died, that could really fuck with a guy.

“Nami-ya.”

Her attention was yanked from her musing as Law called her name. He was on his feet, plate clean and smirk dangerous as he regarded her. Nami wondered whether this would be the last time she’d see him in a genuinely good mood for the rest of the evening. “It’s seven o’clock. Time to get ready to watch history be defiled by pretentious morons. And for your obnoxious thunder god’s sake, make sure you’re wearing shoes you can actually run in.”

( @ninhaoma-ya, @awesomi, @vannahfanfics)

[soyeahitsmiddleearth]

(Gen Start-Up) Not Worth It pt. 1

{Reader gets sent from our world to middle earth and falls in love with either Fili/Kili/Thoron or heck maybe all three, I'll leave that up to you, and upon coming to middle earth they get the healing powers. All they gotta do is put their hands on the person and concentrate. BUT these healing abilities have a cost if the injury is severe. Maybe they either transfer the injury to themselves until it evens out between the two? Or it takes a lot of energy from them and if they use it too much they will die. Then Reader tries to heal Thorin/Kili/Fili at the end." --- Britishfajita}

Fluff and Slight Angst

Authors Note: This is the beginning of a wonderful three (or maybe more) part connected series! Same reader for all three of the Durin's who I plan to make this for. There may be multiple parts for them, idk yet. We'll just see what happens :D!

The Durins/Reader

----

You could have been so extraordinary in your past life.

Special, wanted, powerful.

And, to some extent, you were wanted and desired, but you could never deliver on those expectations and hopes.

Your special ability to heal, ease pain, and help others was never anything special where you lived. Many people had healing abilities similar to and better than yours, and most, if none, had the drawbacks that yours did.

Where normal healers can use their powerful auras to mend and strengthen others to accelerate the healing process, yours is much more of a give and take, parasitic relationship between 'doctor' and patient. Instead of your aura enhancing the healing ability of others, it instead participates in a transfer that can leave you wounded yourself.

You retain your ability to heal and, essentially, switch auras in a wound transferral. You do not always inherit the wounds of those you heal, however.

Depending on the severity of an injury, you may be left winded, tired, or extremely hungry, but in more serious instances, the damages completely transfer to you instead.

The best way to exemplify this would be to explain how you found out about this horrible symbiotic relationship in the first place.

Your parents knew you were a healer from a young age, for there are individuals who test all children in schools to determine what classes they will need to hone their abilities, and they figured out your ameliorative nature rather easily.

The fatigue and pain you sometimes felt during training and classes was just chalked up to your control and aura being weaker, for your parasitic power was something very uncommon at the time.

It happened during your first ever shift at the local hospital.

Up to this point you've only ever dealt with smaller wounds because of your easy fatigue and exhaustion, but this day was different.

A disaster struck a nearby bank that left 40 people, and counting, injured, and it was all hands on deck. Every person on staff had somethings to do, and when a young woman with debris sticking out of her abdomen came rolling in, you were the only one free to help at the time.

You took up the assignment without hesitation, but as soon as you began to heal her, something felt different.

There was no weakness at first, something very alien to you, and you were able to heal her in record time for even one of the most skilled (and normal) healers, only, you eventually realized that something wasn't right.

The pain you felt that day was horrible and unimaginable, and you went down in a matter of moments.

It wasn't until 5 minutes later that someone found you unconscious on the ground, pale and barely breathing. If it weren't for your current location, you certainly would've died that day.

That young woman had been saved and, somehow, her power had been enhanced as well after your treatment, but it left your aura damaged and practically sucking the life out of you following her miraculous recovery.

The whole premise of your power is the nature of give and take. You give a piece of your aura to someone else to heal and enhance them (be it their power, strength, wakefulness, or anything else), and in return you take a part of theirs and become weakened depending on how much you give, needing to rest and regenerate what you gave away in that moment. You can also heal yourself of your own, personally received wounds without incident, which is rather strange.

For most, there is a finite amount of their aura that they can ever have throughout the duration of their lives, but your supply is nearly endless. However, the more you spend healing or helping, the more you lose. You can regenerate your aura forever, but if you keep going without ceasing, then your life will eventually begin to drain too, to compensate for your loss.

It isn't an instant process, though, for it takes time for your body to catch up to how much of your power you spend, so you had to train really hard from that moment on to ensure that you never spend more than you've earned.

If it weren't for this fateful vice of yours, you'd probably be one of the most powerful healers in your world; the only limit to the wounds you may heal is your own aura and life force, and the amount of time it takes all depends on your concentration and intent.

Because of this, you became unwanted.

Unwanted in a sense that, people did want you to help them become stronger, but no organization or job wanted to hire such a liability, and those with such horrible vices are always subject to horrible criticism and scrutiny, so you eventually just stopped using your ability altogether.

It isn't until you fall into Middle Earth that you start to habitually use your powers again, and it's because of the life-threatening journey you're forced to join.

Here in Middle Earth, however, you're one of a kind.

There is healing magic and those gifted with the knowledge of higher level healing, but your ability to heal simply using your hands and mind is something totally unheard of.

The Company of Thorin Oakenshield were the poor unfortunate souls that you scared half to death on the day you arrived in Middle Earth.

You came, quite literally, out of nowhere.

One second you were washing the dishes in your house and the next you were unconscious in another world.

From their perspective you came falling out of a tall tree, nothing to break your fall other than the cold, unforgiving dirt below, and it successfully gave everyone a huge scare.

Your right arm seemed to have broken and you were horribly battered and bruised, and the dwarfs, hobbit, and lone wizard couldn't just leave you there.

They made camp for the night and made you as comfortable as possible, hoping above all else that you'll wake up at some point, and you eventually do. Though, it isn't a nice or very calm occurrence.

When you finally woke up to a new hat and 4 thick wool blankets smothering you, you freaked out.

At first, you thought someone had kidnapped you or something, but the calm, old wizard named 'Gandalf' managed to calm you and explain that you're not healthy enough to be thrashing and panicking so frantically.

That's when you shocked them all.

You managed to kick off those pesky blankets and shake off that too-warm, but also soft hat, and get a look at yourself, and you were dismayed to see so much of your skin marred with bruises, cuts, scrapes, welts, etc, and your broken arm was unsightly enough to make you nearly sick.

"I-I'll fix it then, I guess." You grumbled nervously, laying back down in the heaping pile of blankets to focus on mending your broken and shattered bones, re-weaving your muscles together, and accelerating the healing of the more superficial wounds.

By the time you were nearly completely healed you were too tired to finish fixing the cuts, scrapes, and other lacerations, so they were left as week-old injuries that had been scabbed over and mostly fixed.

When your eyes fluttered open again you were, once again, shocked to see multiple people leaning over you with awestruck expressions, and you realized in that moment that things were even less right than you initially feared.

Rather quickly did you realize and accept that you were no longer in the same place or time as you were before, but the news was actually fairly easy to accept because of the nature of your past life.

You were probably accidentally sent here by someone with power over the space-time continuum, and it's impossible to come back from one of those accidents. You didn't trouble yourself with coming up with a way to go back home, because you knew for a fact that it was over. You'll be here until the day you die.

You made fast friends with the two younger Durin brothers, for they were always full of questions and curiosity for you and your abilities. Many times have you had to heal them as well, for they're quite prone to trouble.

Small things were always easy to heal, so your powers proved to make you not only a very desired part of the group, but the subject of heavy praise and kind words; it's wonderful and new, for you were neither wanted nor praised in your old home once your crippling vice made itself present.

Night after night you helped them to sleep, gave them the strength to carry on, rid them of discomforts and small, painful wounds, and, essentially, made the original healer of the group, Oin, obsolete (in a good way for him, of course). Oin taught you some things about natural medicine and was, ultimately, allowed to focus on rest and fighting (which you assume is good for a dwarf of his age).

Being needed and relied on feels like heaven, and for the first time in 5 years, you have a purpose.

The true nature of your healing powers didn't become apparent to them until the fight following the Goblin Tunnels, for Thorin Oakenshield is nearly fatally wounded in his fight against Azog the Defiler, and he's left weak and dying.

The group runs as fast as their feet can carry them as those wargs and nasty orcs draw near, chasing all of you to a cliffside with plentiful trees and nowhere to go.

It's a dead end, and those foul creatures know as much.

You aren't much of a fighter so Bofur and Fili keep you ahead of them, urging you to climb the far tree with Gandalf and some of the others, and you do so without hesitation.

Fear drives your frantic climbing and trembling muscles, and, with great effort, you manage to climb far enough that those horrible dog beasts cannot reach you.

Everyone manages to climb a tree and avoid a violent death that would leave them in pieces, and you're relieved to see that there isn't much the enemy can do in this moment; that is, until they begin to uproot the trees and push everyone further back into the barely hanging on tree you already reside in.

There is absolutely no way this flimsy tree will hold all of you for long if the wargs loosen the soil around the roots, and it seems that you're not the only one to notice this.

Gandalf prepares the perfect pinecone ammo that serves as an excellent enemy deterrent, for the flames burning within the heart of the pinecones spread easily and set the cliffside alight.

The wargs retreat to escape a fiery death, but the triumph doesn't last long, for the tree begins to creak and groan as it dips beneath the weight of all 15 of you.

"T-The tree's going to fall!" You cry hopelessly, unsure what to do.

A fall from this height would kill everyone before you even had a chance to try and heal them, and this knowledge leaves an empty, useless hole in your heart.

"Everything will work out the way it's supposed to, Master Healer." The grey wizard tells you, though you can hear the unease and slight panic in his voice as well.

You open your mouth to say more, but movement catches in your peripherals and you turn your head to see what it is.

There stands Thorin Oakenshield on the thick trunk of the tree, facing the white orc with murder and hate shining in his blue-gray eyes, and your heart drops all the way down to the violent deaths below you when you realize what it is he plans to do.

The to-be King Under the Mountain abandons the tree and meets the orc in a battle, albeit short, and he loses.

Just by looking at the way that albino dog uses him like a chew toy is enough to fill you with dread, and when another orc goes in for the dying blow, you're fully prepared to experience this horrible tragedy, only it never happens.

That brave little hobbit, Bilbo, challenges the rest of the goblins one on one, and his bravery encourages everyone able to get back up and fight.

Only, this secondary fight doesn't last for terribly long, for these huge, magnificent birds come soaring out of seemingly nowhere, and they scoop up each and every one of you.

Cue a short, but also liberating, journey to the nearest, safe area (which just so happened to be a secluded and inaccessible mountain top).

As soon as your feet touch the ground you're being scooped up into a strong pair of arms, and the perpetrator breathes your name with relief on their lips.

"Are you alright?" It's Kili, the taller of the two Durin brothers.

You nod your head once and hug him in response, winding your toned healer arms tightly around his shoulders for a few beats before you pull away.

A quick glance around shows you that some of the others still have yet to touchdown on the peak with all of you, so you instead move to Fili, who had rode to his brother, and hug him next.

The blond heir firmly locks his thick arms around your middle and holds you to him for a moment, but his arms disappear as soon as Thorin is gently dropped to the ground, bloodied and broken.

Gandalf rushes over to the heavily wounded dwarf and kneels down next to his unmoving form, and Bilbo runs up behind him with wide, stunned eyes.

You pull away from Fili and rush to Thorin's side without hesitation, falling to your knees beside him as you immediately hover your palms over his body to find the biggest issues ailing him.

The internal bleeding catches your attention right away, caused by the bone crushing bite from the white warg, and you start working on healing that without hesitation.

You know that a wound such as this will hurt you, but it doesn't halt your frantic healing for even a second.

The mountain peak is dead silent while you work your magic on the unconscious Thorin, the knowledge that they would be lost without him spurring you on, and in a matter of 5 minutes he's groaning and his eyes are opening.

You feel nothing at first which tells you that soon his damaged aura will begin affecting you, so you slowly rise to your feet and move away from the still grounded Thorin to avoid falling on him if you do go down.

Pats on the back and praises are thrown your way as you separate yourself from the king, but they cease the moment Fili worriedly asks, "Wait- What... what's wrong?" He seemed to have noticed your shaky movements right away as your health begins to deplete.

You step up to Gandalf and place your hand gently onto his shoulder, mumbling with slurred words, "Gandalf, I should've told you before..."

The old man looks up at you with worried eyes, and he rises to his feet so he can grasp your trembling arms with gentle hands, "You should have 'told me before'? Told me what?"

"I..." You begin to speak, but you're unable to form another coherent thought as your legs suddenly give out from beneath you, and you slump forward into the cloaked wizard.

Gandalf releases your arm at light speed and catches you around the waist, slowly lowering you down to the ground before your eyes slide shut and your consciousness fades in place of Thorin's.

---

Gandalf the Gray was not too happy with you when you woke up sometime later, having had to save you after you saved Thorin with no prior knowledge regarding the truth about your ability.

He scolded you first, calling your actions foolish and scaring you with information on how you could have died had it been any worse and had he been any worse at his job, and then he thanked you.

"But even so, still must I say with the utmost gratitude; thank you. The service you provided was well beyond what we asked for, and much more than we deserved. After all you've been through and done for us, you would have been right to keep to yourself and not heal him. You are a very good person, Y/N, and I should like to see you survive this journey."

Is he telling you not to heal people anymore, or is he telling you to be more careful, you wonder.

Apparently this situation scared everyone shitless, because as soon as Gandalf was done getting on your case, you received countless apologies for having you heal small, meaningless wounds and for the other things you've done for them.

Of course, you tried to explain that the smaller boosts and injuries are nothing for you, but you were still apologized to a whole bunch anyways.

Fili and Kili's apologies stuck out to you the most, however.

When everyone felt better knowing that they'd informed you that you no longer need to waste your power healing them and the excitement died down, the two brothers approached with sad expressions darkening their handsome faces.

"You should have told us that we were hurting you." The dark-haired dwarf informed you sadly, taking up one of your hands in his carefully.

"We wouldn't have bothered you so much if we knew." The blond-haired brother agrees, swiping up your other hand in one of his.

Their words make you grimace, and you try to console them. "No, the smaller things don't hurt at all! I don't 'get hurt' because I heal you, I only suffer when it's a major wound that needs to heal more than just the body."

Their expressions don't change and they don't seem to fully believe you, so you try to explain in simpler terms.

You squeeze both their hands weakly, still needing rest to regenerate your own aura, then reiterate, "Think of it this way. You've got a huge jug of water about this big," you make a big circle with your arms, " and it's completely full. Now, if you take a sip of the water when you get a little thirsty and look inside again, it will look the exact same, and you can refill it super quickly... now, if you and a few others are super thirsty, dehydrated, and you need to take big drinks then it drains even more, and very soon it's almost a quarter empty. It takes longer to fill it up then, because there's way less because of how thirsty you were."

They both look at you and nod their heads slowly in understanding, but you simplify it a little more after that.

"So, what I'm trying to say is that if I do something small like help you sleep or heal a cut, maybe mend a headache, I'll only feel a little tired if that, but if it's something horrible like Thorin's wound, then it affects me more severely. It almost transfers to me, but not the physical injury, just the effect of it while my 'power' heals yours."

Everyone is listening at this point, and it seems that they all gain a better understanding of what you can do.

It seems Gandalf figured it out, though, judging by his unsurprised expression and slightly proud smile (pride because of your easy to understand explanation, most likely).

"So... what about now, then?" Kili asks, still holding your hand by your side, "What do you need?"

"To rest. Only for a little while until my water replenishes."

---

It's going to take around a day for your aura to heal and your strength to return, but, unfortunately, you don't have the luxury to just lay back and relax like you want.

You all had to stay on the move, so the dwarfs took turns carrying you on their backs.

At first you denied any and all requests for piggy back rides, embarrassed by the mere thought of being hauled around all day while you wait for your aura to heal, but it goes that way regardless.

First it's Fili and Kili, then Dori (the strongest *according to the book*), Dwalin, and, finally, Thorin.

Thorin carried you for around an hour or so, and each step he took was careful. He wanted to make your ride as comfortable as possible, and he was succeeding for the most part (you're as comfortable as someone on a piggyback ride can be).

"How are you feeling?" You ask at some point, adjusting your gentle grip around his shoulders as you do.

"I should be the one asking you that question." He replies without missing a beat, turning his head to the left slightly to catch a glimpse of you.

You don't say anything right away, looking at him with a small frown before countering, "Okay, but I asked your first."

"Truthfully, it shames me to say that I feel very good at the moment. My strength has returned tenfold, and I feel as if I've just recovered from a long rest."

"It shames you?" You ask softly, leaning your head against his carefully, "Don't let it. I chose to do that knowing fully well what I was getting myself into."

Thorin sighs heavily and shifts his grip on your legs, "I do not wish to treat you as a child. I respect your choice, but I must implore that you do not waste your life on me. It simply isn't worth it. You're too precious."

You feel your face heat up and you find that you become slightly embarrassed. "Thank you Thorin, but I think that a king is slightly more important then a commoner from another world."

"No... a king is only as strong as his people, friends, and allies. And I happen to value you as all three."

You don't argue or disagree this time and instead just nod your head once, "Then I'll say thank you again."

The rest of your conversations with Thorin are much more light hearted and wholesome, and you find that this piggyback riding isn't as bad as you initially though it would be.

[missmentelle]

What To Do When a Loved One is Dating an Abuser

There are few things as frustrating and as heartbreaking as watching someone you care about stay in a long-term abusive relationship. The red flags may be obvious to everyone in your loved one’s life - blinding, even - but for some reason, your loved one just can’t or won’t see them for what they are. There are always excuses for bad behaviour, always unconvincing explanations for suspicious injuries, always hollow assurances that things aren’t as bad as they seem. 

When someone we care about is in an abusive relationship, our first instinct is often to try to rescue them. We want to finally break through to them and make them see that their relationship is terrible and that they deserve so much better. If all else fails, we want to throw them in our car and drive them so far away that their abuser can never find them again. Or we may have no idea how to bring up the situation with our friend - talking about abuse is uncomfortable, and you may have no idea how to even begin that conversation. Being a third party to an abusive relationship is a horrible situation to be in, and you may find yourself overwhelmed with anxiety, fear, uncertainty and concern for your friend. 

Fortunately, there are some important steps that you can take to support your loved one and help them to build a safer life for themselves, like:

Don’t try to force them to leave. The first thing that most people want to say when they hear about an abusive relationship is “Leave! Dump them! Break up with them right now!”. But coming on that strong is a mistake. The victim has to be the one to make the decision to leave, and they need to be completely committed to leaving - when a victim caves into pressure from family and friends and leaves an abusive relationship before they’re ready, they are at extremely high risk of returning to the relationship, and repeatedly leaving and getting back together with an abusive partner is very dangerous. And if your friend isn’t ready to leave yet, you telling them to leave may push them away from you, leaving them with less support. There are steps you can take to help them reach the conclusion that leaving is necessary - and I’ll explain what those steps are - but pestering or commanding them to leave is not helpful. 

Emphasize that they are capable of making their own choices and that you will be there for them no matter what they decide to do. One of the biggest barriers that victims face in leaving abusive relationships is that their partner has destroyed their confidence in their own decision-making abilities. They are used to being told that they are irrational, stupid, incompetent, and that they can’t be trusted to make the right choices. They may not trust their own judgement, and believe that they are “overreacting” to their partner’s mistreatment - after all, they are used to being harshly criticized and having to second-guess themselves. One of the best things you can do for a victim of domestic violence is to restore their confidence in their ability to make decisions for themselves and feel good about those decisions. Remind your friend that they are smart and capable, and that you wholeheartedly support their ability to make their own choices. True recovery from abuse does not mean that the victim stops taking orders from their abuser and starts taking orders from their friends - true recovery means regaining the autonomy to decide for themselves. 

Avoid bashing their partner. I know it’s tempting to want to let your friend know what a horrible, lazy, abusive piece of shit their partner is. Don���t. People tend to view their partners as an extension of themselves - when you tell someone that their partner is garbage, what they hear is “I think you’re the kind of person who chooses to date garbage”. It puts them in a position where they feel like they need to defend their partner and their dating choices, and ultimately pushes them closer to their partner and further away from you. 

Focus on feelings, not labels. A lot of victims struggle with the word “abusive”. They don’t want to think of themselves as someone ended up in an abusive relationship - there’s a lot of stigma attached to that idea - and so they might push back hard if you try to force that idea on them, making them more defensive and less likely to leave. Don’t worry about the word “abuse” for now - your loved one doesn’t actually need to acknowledge that the relationship is abusive in order to leave it. They just need to realize that they aren’t happy. When a friend brings up something potentially (or definitely) abusive that their partner did to them, don’t rush to label it - instead, ask them about how that incident made them feel. Validate those feelings. When they say “it really scares me when my partner starts throwing things around”, don’t say “throwing things is on the abuse checklist” - say “Oh wow, that does sound really scary. Do they do that a lot? How are you coping with that? That doesn’t sound like something that should happen in a relationship at all. Are there any other times that your partner scares you?”. Encourage your friend to think critically about the relationship, their feelings, and what they want in a partner - help them contextualize their relationship and recognize that their experiences aren’t “normal”, and they can arrive at the conclusion that it’s abusive in their own time. 

Keep your relationship with them positive. Having conversations about the abuse you’re experiencing is exhausting, and if every interaction you have with your friend turns into a long lecture about how they need to leave the relationship, they might grow distant from you. If they want to talk about the relationship every time they see you, that’s great, but don’t try to drag information out of them if they don’t feel up to talking. Even if you’re having heavy conversations with them, it’s okay to try to keep things positive - compliment them, remind them of their strengths, remind them how much you care about them. Keep your tone thoughtful and concerned, but not preachy. There may be times when they just want lighthearted distractions from their situation, and that’s okay too.

Remind them that this is not their fault, and that they deserve better. Victims often stay in abusive relationships because they feel that they are causing their partner’s abuse or bringing it on themselves - something along the lines of “they wouldn’t have to get so angry with me if I didn’t screw up so much”. Let your friend know that the abuse isn’t their fault and that they didn’t do anything to cause it. Remind them that adults are expected to behave like adults even when they are upset, and that there are no excuses for their partner’s behaviour - they deserve to be with someone who treats them with respect and can manage their emotions like a rational, mature adult. 

Avoid shaming and blaming. Sometimes friends and family members will try to take on a “tough love” approach to getting their loved one out of the abusive relationship, and it’s profoundly unhelpful. They’ll say things like “if you stay, you’re choosing to be treated this way” and “I can’t watch you mess up your own life like this”, or even “your partner is going to kill you one day, is that what you want?”. It’s meant to try to shock or scare the victim into leaving - in reality, though, it just makes the victim feel even more worthless, and it makes them feel like a burden to the people who should be their greatest source of support.  

Encourage safety planning. It could take months or even years for a victim to decide that they are ready to escape - instead of trying to rush that timeline, start by simply encouraging the victim to start thinking about their physical safety. A safety plan is not necessarily a plan to leave the relationship; it’s a plan to prevent or minimize violence and protect yourself from physical harm, so that you’ll have the option to leave the relationship when you’re ready. Let your friend know that you’re worried about their safety, and that you’d really like to help them brainstorm some ways that they can keep themselves out of harm’s way. Offer assistance if you can. A safety plan should always be tailored to the victim’s individual situation, and should involve planning for common triggers and early warning signs of violence. If your friend knows that violence is likely when their partner comes home drunk, for instance, you could make a plan for your friend to leave their home whenever that happens and come stay at your place until their partner sobers up. Work with them to plan for their unique circumstances, and check the internet for online safety planning resources. 

Offer resources, but don’t push them. Almost every city and town has some form of help available for victims of domestic violence - there are hotlines, shelters, victim services agencies, counselling centres, etc. Resources are great, but not if you’re dumping a bunch of unwanted pamphlets in your friend’s lap that they didn’t ask for. Again, survivor autonomy is key here - your friend is the expert in their own situation, and they get to make the decision about when (or whether) to access resources. You also need to remember that accessing resources - or even getting caught researching resources - could be very dangerous for your friend, and it’s important that you let them take the lead on deciding what is safe for them to access. If you want to offer resources, do it gently - if you’re having a conversation where they seem to be acknowledging that things in their relationship aren’t great, you can say, “hey, would it be okay if we researched some resources together? What do you think would be helpful for you? What are you comfortable with, and how can I support you?”

Make open-ended offers of support. Make it very clear to your friend that your door is always open to them, and that they can call you anytime they need help. They need to know that it doesn’t matter if you haven’t spoken in six months and it’s the middle of the night - you will come pick them up, give them a place to stay, take them to the hospital, or give them any other kinds of support you’re able to offer. Abusers often succeed at keeping their victims trapped through isolation; they will prevent their victim from seeing or speaking to friends for so long that the friendship deteriorates, so by the time the victim is ready to leave, they have nowhere to go and no one to offer the kinds of material or moral support that they need to leave the relationship. Make sure your friend knows that you’ll still be there for them even if you lose contact for months or a couple of years, and that they never need to feel weird about turning to you for help whenever they need it. 

Be patient. It often takes several dozen instances of abuse before a victim acknowledges that the relationship is abusive, and the average abused woman (there are currently no statistics on men) attempts to leave seven times before successfully escaping the relationship. Leaving is a process, and victims need friends and family members in their lives who understand this. Many victims end up losing their support system when loved ones become frustrated with how long it’s taking for them to leave; if you are supporting a domestic violence victim, it’s important to have a realistic sense of how long it can take to safely and permanently exit an abusive relationship, and manage your expectations accordingly. 

If you are supporting a loved one in an abusive relationship, it’s also important that you take good care of yourself. The feelings of fear, worry and powerlessness that you experience when you watch a loved one struggle with abuse can be overwhelming, and you need to make sure that you are maintaining your own mental health while you are helping someone else. Take breaks. Talk to friends. Spend time on your hobbies. Eat good food and get exercise. If you’re feeling frustrated with the situation - and it’s absolutely valid to be frustrated - channel your feelings into art, journalling or anything else that helps you work through it. If you are feeling lost, you can contact a domestic violence resource center or hotline - they can give you tips for how to help your friend. 

If your friend is okay with it, it would also be helpful if you joined forces with at least one of their other friends or family members to help support them. Knowing that there’s at least one other person who can be there for your loved one and pick up the phone if you’re unavailable can take a huge amount of stress off your shoulders. Feeling like you are the only thing standing between a loved one and serious harm at the hands of their partner is a hugely stressful situation to be in - when you build a team of supportive people around the abused person, that person has a lot more support at their disposal, and you get to avoid burning out. 

It’s not easy to leave an abusive relationship. It’s not easy to help someone leave. But with the right support, you can help your loved one achieve a safe, abuse-free future. 

[oldsoulnewperspective]

It involves taking a huge risk of treating yourself as if your worth were not open to debate,

Just read this and thought you might relate: It can be argued that many forms of OCD come down to a fear that lack of vigilance could lead to a loss of identity.

Moral scrupulosity is, thus, obsessive concern with whether or not one is being good or bad. 

More to the point, this perfection must be constantly proven beyond the shadow of all doubt. 

Compulsions, that is, behaviors that OCD sufferers engage in to feel more certain that their fears are untrue

They could be simply measuring their moral integrity against the certainty that they are being “healthy” in romantic relationships 

Mentally reviewing/checking for acts to determine moral integrity

Self-punishment to prove moral concern

You could assign a list of moral guidelines to follow that are consistent with your cultural context, and you can even convince yourself that confidence in this list (as opposed to some other list) is warranted. But at some point, you are still going to have to decide whether or not you trust your own judgment, your own memory, and your own self-talk. Though everyone is entitled to a reality check now and then (as in, “come on, it’s not that big a deal), repeatedly reassuring oneself to get certainty always ends up colliding with the wall of reality, that something may be getting missed.

OCD is a battle of uncertainty tolerance

proving that im being “healthy” isn’t the goal. 

Improve uncertainty tolerance

Violate the expectation that uncertainty about morality is intolerable

Improve ability to commit to value-based behaviors despite unwanted thoughts/feelings

For now, consider this – OCD is driven by compulsions, behaviors you engage in to make yourself feel certain that you, in this case, are moral. 

Learning to live joyfully with uncertainty, even about your inherent “goodness” as a human being is the best strategy for beating OCD and feeling good about yourself. OCD uses the fraudulent concept of “bad person” to con you into trying to prove you are otherwise.

“That was bad. I am bad. I shouldn’t be bad. I’m a failure. I am wrong. I hurt people. I am a deviant. I am dysfunctional. I must prove otherwise. I must be good.”

o “mind less” that these thoughts and feelings arise is to take a huge risk that you haven’t tried hard enough to be moral, that you could be wrong. Maybe this thought is the one you were supposed to wrestle to the ground and pummel! Being mindful is viewing OCD as simply a storyteller that weaves thoughts together to trick you into forgetting that they’re just thoughts, and viewing it this way is the ultimate exposure.

Putting it more simply, moral scrupulosity is a form of OCD that emphasizes a fear of being immoral or morally contaminated.

If you have moral scrupulosity, making a big deal out of every real or imagined moral misstep doesn’t seem like magnifying. It seems like compensating for bad behavior. People with moral scrupulosity tend to purposely blow up their real and imagined transgressions as a form of compulsive reassurance that they are taking ownership of wrongdoing (and therefore must be supremely moral). 

Since moral scrupulosity is, by definition, an obsession with self-worth or “goodness”, it should come as no surprise that OCD promotes these painful feelings as bait to start doing compulsions. Guilt proves nothing. Recognizing that feelings are not reliable evidence of facts can take some of the power away from OCD’s claim.

If our efforts to be perfectly certain about morality cause us to be compulsive, and ERP asks us to scale back that behavior, then we are going to feel, well, less moral in a way. We may try to compensate for this by engaging in self-punishment, being extra unkind to ourselves to make sure we aren’t getting away with anything. If I can at least prove that I feel bad (i.e. guilty, disgusted, self-hating) about real and imagined moral failings, then I am at least somewhat liberated from worrying about being immoral. Put simply, self-criticism is a compulsion. It often gets overlooked because we tend to think of compulsions as feeling good. In reality, compulsions simply feel better than what we imagine the alternative to be and beating yourself up sounds better than taking the risk of finding out you’re a bad person later. If only it worked.

If treating yourself badly proved you were good and proving you’re good freed you from your OCD, I’d be all for it. 

You have a thought about something you did or thought about doing, or felt an urge to do, and so forth, and because this experience doesn’t line up with your presumed identity as a moral person, you feel bad. Because you feel bad, you try to get the feeling to stop. You may seek reassurance, try to make sure you’re not doing bad things, check to see if you have, and engage in other compulsions. You set up a series of rigid rules that apply only to you to guarantee you’ll never do a bad thing, but since these rules are impossible to follow perfectly, they also make you feel bad. 

What’s worse, ceasing to feel bad makes you feel like you’re getting away with something, like you stopped caring about your moral compass. Bad feelings at least reminded you that you care and reassure you that you would never intentionally be immoral. So, you find yourself trying to get away from the pain of bad feelings while at the same time clinging to those bad feelings for proof of inherent goodness. Ultimately, this compulsive relationship to moral doubt sends the message to your brain that thoughts about morality are codes to be cracked, problems to be solved. So, the brain faithfully performs its duty to help you by sending more intrusive thoughts and feelings your way.

But for ERP to be at its most effective, you have to expose both to the fear that you may be morally imperfect and also to the fear that you have inadequately addressed it.  ERP for contamination fears involves exposing to triggering experiences (E) to generate the feeling of being dirty, but then intentionally behaving like someone who is clean (not washing hands and also cross-contaminating to other objects and environments). So, you get the dirty feeling, but you pair it with the behavior of a person who feels clean. 

Catch and abandon any mental review of the event, especially any rationalizing over why the event occurred or why it won’t be repeated

Seek no reassurance about the meaning of the event or your characterFully engage in the present by actually allowing yourself to enjoy something (mindfulness is a major asset here). Remember, OCD wants you clinging to guilt, so embracing a joyful moment is an act of rebellion.Find activities to do that you imagine people do when they believe themselves to be good, innocent, or having served their time.

[writeyouin]

Rodimus X Techbug – Guardian Prime (COMMISSION)

Description – When a new Autobot joins the Lost Light, Rodimus seeks to become their mentor. However, when he learns of Techbug’s difficult past, he might find the task harder than he expected.

A/N – Hey @ask-tf-techbug​, I hope this is what you had in mind. If you want anything editing, just say the word and I’ll do it ASAP. In the meantime, thank you very much for the commission.

WARNINGS – Smut. NSFW. Mentions of abuse.

RATING – M

WORD COUNT – 2173

Rodimus walked with a spring in his step, eager to meet Techbug, the newest recruit to the Lost Light. Ultra Magnus had warned Rodimus of Techbug’s past. Originally an Autobot who had been captured at the start of the war, he had been forced into the Decepticon ranks. Techbug had been controlled through abuse, manipulation, and torture; it had turned him into one of the Decepticons’ most ruthless killers, Silentdeath. Now that the war was over and Techbug was free to start his life anew. He had been sent to the Lost Light to receive therapy from Rung, who specialised in treating PTSD, among other things.

Although Rodimus knew of the infamous Silentdeath, it didn’t taint his opinion of Techbug; after all, Drift had once been a Decepticon, and he’d managed to turn his life around. With the right mentor, Techbug would be just fine, and Rodimus was determined to be that mentor, if only to prove to Ultra Magnus that he could be responsible when he wanted to be; besides, how hard could it really be, being a mentor?

Finally, Rodimus reached Techbug’s new hab-suite, whereupon he rapped a playful tune on the door.

“Hey Techbug,” Rodimus greeted with a wink once the door was opened, “I’m Rodimus, the co-captain of the Lost Light. Nice to meet ya.”

Rodimus didn’t let his surprise at Techbug’s appearance show. He wasn’t small enough to be a mini-bot, yet he couldn’t have been taller that fifteen feet, only coming up to Rodimus’ chassis. He also had a similar appearance to Earthen cats, with a white tipped tail that sharply contrasted his orange colour scheme, and cat audials to match; it was rare to find bots that were shaped after organic creatures. Moreover, Rodimus couldn’t help feeling that Techbug was slender, more like a femme than a mech. To be perfectly candid, Rodimus found Techbug cute.

“Hi…” He whispered quietly in response, unsure of what to say since he didn’t know Rodimus; what he would give to be more comfortable with strangers like most other bots were.

“So,” Rodimus beamed, ignoring the tension. “You want a tour of my ship? It’ll help you get more acquainted.”

Techbug gave a small nod and left his hab-suite, following closely behind Rodimus, who slipped easily into the role of charismatic tour-guide.

They were about three-quarters of the way through the tour when something Rodimus said piqued Techbug’s interest.

“This is one of three labs that we have aboard the ship. As you can see, uh- Techbug?” Rodimus looked behind him, sure that the bot had been there a minute ago.

“Look at this, it’s all brand new,” Techbug marvelled, zooming around the lab. “Is that a GR-91 Centrifuge? I haven’t seen one in real life before. The Cons’ never let me into their labs and they only had old ones anyway. Do you know how fast this could separate particles? It could- Uh… I mean… Sorry for getting so over-excited… I’ll- I’ll be quiet now.”

Rodimus grinned cockily, “Hey, don’t worry about it, it’s cool to see you so excited. You like this lab? Then take it. Nobody else uses it anyway. Brainstorm and Perceptor each have one, so you may as well get this one if you want it.”

“Primus,” Techbug’s tail piece twitched in anticipation, “All of this for me, are you sure?”

“Yeah, it’s no biggie.”

‘Oh, but it is,’ Silentdeath, Techbug’s alternate personality growled maliciously inside his processor. ‘It’s a very big deal, right Techie? What have you done to deserve this? Nothing! You’ve done nothing for this, betrayer.’

“Be quiet,” Techbug hissed.

“What was that?” Rodimus asked, having missed Techbug’s warning.

‘Ooh, he’s listening to our private conversation. We don’t want that now, do we. You should stare him down. One look from our outlier ability and the only time he’ll speak is with Primus in the Afterspark.’

“Stop,” Techbug whispered.

“Hey, are you feeling okay?” Rodimus placed a soothing hand on Techbug’s shoulder-plate. “Med-bay isn’t far from here, I could take you to see Ratchet.”

‘HE WANTS TO TAKE YOU TO MED-BAY! You remember what happens in med-bay, right? They’ll recode you again, and they’ll make sure it hurts. I can’t wait to hear your pathetic screams when they tear you apart and put you back together again. Such sweet agony.’

“GET AWAY FROM ME!” Techbug pushed Rodimus, making him stumble backwards.

Before Rodimus could protest, Techbug fixed him with a hard glare, feeling his outlier ability rising up from within, burning quickly through his already low energon supply. With the ability to freeze or kill an enemy with a look, Techbug had been one of the Decepticons’ best weapons. With a full fuel tank, he could have frozen up to three mechs, as it was however, Techbug only managed to freeze Rodimus in time before a warning flashed on his visor: ENERGON LEVEL CRITICAL. SHUTDOWN PROTOCOL ENGAGED.

Techbug passed out and Rodimus was stuck, aware of everything yet unable to help. Fortunately, it only took a few minutes for Rodimus to be released from the effects of the outlier ability, allowing him to move freely once again.

He vented the excess air from his systems, eyeing up Techbug tiredly, “Something tells me that you’re going to be a bit of a handful… I’m really glad you left your swords back at the hab-suite.”

“I’m sorry,” Techbug murmured, unable to look Rodimus in the optics. The two were in the med-bay, where Rodimus had carried him after his energon burnout. “I didn’t mean to freeze you up like that… I was- He made me do it.”

“He? You mean Silentdeath?” Rodimus asked, feeling sorry for yet another bot whose mentality had been damaged in the war.

Techbug looked uncomfortable at the mention of his Decepticon name.

“Hey, you don’t have to worry. We’ve all made mistakes, y’know, except for me, ‘cos Primus broke the mould, I was far too perfect even for him.”

Techbug snickered and Rodimus shot imaginary finger guns at him, “And the bot does know how to laugh. Good for you buddy. Anyway, is there anything you wanna do next? I’m okay staying here for a while if you want, but now that you’re energised, I was thinking we could do something fun. What do you say?”

Going against his social anxiety, Techbug nodded, “Something fun sounds good, Captain.”

After a few weeks aboard the Lost Light, Techbug started to come out of his shell. Silentdeath was quieter than he had ever been before. Techbug hadn’t used his outlier ability since he’d frozen Rodimus. With Rung’s help during therapy, he was even confronting some of his worst memories which he had always shut away in an attempt to forget; it wasn’t easy, and it usually left Techbug feeling a little worse for wear, but in the long run, he knew it would be helpful. Best of all, Techbug had even been making friends among the crew. He still gravitated towards Rodimus, but who wouldn’t? Rodimus was charming, funny, handsome, had a great aft-

Techbug blushed, snapping his eyes away from Rodimus’ aft which he had blatantly been staring at as Rodimus went to buy the next round of high-grade energon for them.

“Seems like you have a little crush,” Dogfight smirked, taking a seat next to Techbug and wrapping his arm chummily around him. “The name’s Dogfight.”

“T-Techbug,” Techbug whispered his name quietly, going ridged at Dogfight’s uninvited touch.

“Yeah. I know all about you. Been watching you for a while. You’ve got a few admirers yourself, by the way. I should know, I’m one of them. That’s actually why I’m here. I was thinking that maybe you could ditch Hot-Wheels over there,” He gestured to Rodimus. “-and come spend some time with me. Maybe even see where the night leads, if you catch my drift.”

Dogfight stroked the inside of Techbug’s thighs sensuously, leading his way up to his interface panel. Supressed memories of Techbug’s past surfaced, hitting him like a freight train. He remembered how the Decepticons had used him for sex. They had called him names, debased him, forced their way into his interface panel, made him their slave in the berth as well as away from it. Techbug felt like he might purge his tanks if he didn’t escape Dogfight’s touch.

Once again, he concentrated on his outlier ability, though this time he was in full control of it as he froze Dogfight in place and extricated himself from his hold. On a full energon supply, Techbug was not weakened by the use of his outlier, however it did not stop him from feeling nauseous as he ran back to his hab-suite, trying desperately to forgot Dogfight’s unwanted advance.

As soon as Rodimus saw Dogfight frozen in space where Techbug had once been, he abandoned the high-grade energon he’d just bought. He rushed out of Swerve’s and immediately transformed, driving speedily towards Techbug’s hab-suite.

“Techbug,” Rodimus called, banging on the door, worried that he might be too late to stop one of Techbug’s episodes. “It’s me, Rodimus. Are you in there?”

As he was left waiting, Rodimus seriously considered using his override code to unlock the door, but before he could do so, Techbug opened it, wiping coolant from his optics.

“I’m- I’m fine, Rodimus. You should just go, I’ll be alright.”

“You’re clearly not fine. What happened back there? I just looked up and you were gone. You should at least talk about whatever it is. Was it something to do with Dogfight? Did you have another accident? Was it Silentdeath again?” Rodimus rushed through the list of possibilities, speaking faster with each question.

Finally, Techbug relented and let Rodimus in, if only to stop the persistent questions.

“I- I just- I got spooked and I couldn’t be there anymore. I only wanted to be with you tonight anyway.”

“Me?” Rodimus pointed dumbly at himself. “Why? Were you feeling shy or something?”

Feeling simultaneously vulnerable, frustrated, and like he needed some attention, Techbug threw his arms around Rodimus’ neck, pulling him down for a kiss. Thankfully, Rodimus didn’t question the action as he returned the kiss, pressing his mouth hungrily against Techbug’s as if they couldn’t get close enough.

Up till now Rodimus had ignored any lingering romantic ideas of Techbug, worried that by being a mentor, he would only pressure his ward. Since Techbug had initiated the kiss however, Rodimus saw no reason to reject the advance.

Rodimus yelped as Techbug’s nimble fingers tugged at his neck cables. He broke off the kiss, staring uncertainly at Techbug. “Are you sure?” He asked, alluding to the prospect of interfacing.

“Yes,” Techbug vented air out of his vents eagerly. He had never interfaced because he wanted to before, it was always because he had to; this was new and exciting and he could already feel his spike straining to be free of his interface panel.

Rodimus reached tentatively for Techbug’s aft, massaging it gently as he made his way to the berth, falling against it rather than laying on top of it. Techbug’s interface panel slid open, his spike rubbing against Rodimus’ inner thigh.

“Is that a gun or are you just happy to see me?” Rodimus joked.

Techbug’s face-plates flushed red and his cat-like tail lashed impatiently from side to side, “I want to see yours too. I want to ride you like a hover-bike.”

Rodimus’ engines revved, “Looks like you already found the ignition.” He lifted Techbug up, letting him wrap his legs around his waist. “Now all that’s left is to get on.”

He inserted his spike into Techbug’s valve, moaning at how good it felt. Although he had planned to take it slow for their first time, Rodimus was surprised as Techbug forced himself down on Rodimus’ spike.

“I’m not that delicate,” Techbug whispered huskily.

Taking the hint, Rodimus gripped Techbug’s hips and pulled him onto the berth, so that Techbug was on top; most bots assumed that Rodimus liked to be on top but in truth he found it nice to be submissive on occasion.

Techbug began gyrating on Rodimus’ spike, growling with lust every time it pressed against his anterior node. He was desperate. He needed this attention. He basked in the warmth of Rodimus’ presence. Rodimus however, sought to toy with Techbug, reaching low to rub at his spike.

Techbug bit his lip to keep from crying out as Rodimus jacked him off. It wasn’t long before tips of transfluid beaded the top of Techbug’s spike.

“Delicious,” Rodimus purred, looking Techbug in the optics as he gathered the trans-fluid off his spike and licked it off his servo.

“Primus!” Techbug squeaked, feeling his overload building up. “I- I-” Techbug never got to finish his sentiment as Rodimus overloaded with a loud moan, followed closely by him.

He was going to tell Rodimus that he loved him, but at that moment, the words didn’t matter, and by the look on Rodimus’ face, he thought that Rodimus might know already anyway.

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[bumpintheroad]

Hi. I'm 25 and I've never dated anyone and I'm a virgin. I feel unwanted and ugly and now I'm scared to date because I'll be seen as a conquest. No one has been interested in me and when I was younger it didn't bother me but now it does and I don't know what to do

sorry for the delay in responding, i wasn’t ignoring it i’m just going through something and haven’t been able to focus on anything else so i hope this is helpful still. there’s so much societal pressure to hit certain “milestones” in our lives that when we don’t we tend to criticize ourselves as if there’s something “wrong” with us and that’s not the case at all pls know that.

first and foremost, virginity is a social construct put on people and it’s absolutely in no way a reflection of your self worth. dating is hard and it’s become even harder with the way technology is advancing. i don’t know about you but i tend to close myself off bc of my insecurities which further feeds my self fulfilling thoughts about being ~*unwanted and undesirable*~ and trust me i knoww how scary it is to put yourself out there without having any idea of what someone’s intentions are and unfortunately we can’t predict if someone is using us or not but if you do wanna meet someone or eventually find a partner you have to just be open to meeting people and hope they’re being a good person and if not they end up being a lesson for learning more about yourself and what you want! oh and pls don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable w just bc someone shows you attention and know that you aren’t ugly because you haven’t dated anyone or had sex yet, it’ll happen when it’ll happen & that’s ok!

[amariaamaris]

Of changes and Revelations Part 2

Here’s the second part! It took me awhile because well... life. Anyway I hope you enjoy and comments and constructive criticism is always welcome!

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For the past two weeks, Bonnie has been getting to know the group from Wakanda. All of them came to the collective agreement to give her a crash course on, well... everything. Then they would all help her set up to move to Wakanda while allowing her to keep her Grams house for as long as she wants it.

The first thing T’Challa told her about Wakanda and their royalty... don’t bow, they don’t do that in Wakanda. They have very different ways of giving and showing respect. For the most part, if you give respect you will receive respect. Everyone in Wakanda is essential to it’s strength and continued growth. Ayo and Okoye taught her how to tell what rank and clearance one person has and they have started teaching her how to fight. Apparently she made a good impression because they want her as an honorary Dora Milaje. 

James Barnes or rather Bucky has started teaching her self defense and certain spy things. Why she would ever need to know that is beyond her, but Bonnie just goes with it. He’s also been teaching her how to spot someone trailing you and to know friend from foe in a split second. 

Meanwhile, N’Jadaka - or Erik as he insists on her calling him, she chooses to ‘forget’ that just to annoy him (don’t tell him that) - has started teaching her their language and other nuances of their culture that the others may glaze over. She may of may not have had a miniature panic attack when N’Jadaka had her look at the inside of her lower lip... he didn’t stop laughing for a good 15 minutes after.

When she started to cry again, he immediately got serious and once again helped to piece her back together. After every truth bomb he gave her and Bonnie’s shattering... she felt completely raw and much like an empty husk. Everything started making sense; her strange dreams of panthers and a language that she couldn’t seem to find no matter how hard she looked, lost memories, her father seeming to hate her for more that just who and what her mother and grandmother were. Her parents constant arguing and why she was never allowed to truly be by herself and with herself. Of course that changed when her mother left, but by then her memories were deeply buried.

Bonnie allows herself to close her eyes and let out a deep cleansing sigh into her mug of tea as she settles more into the bench swing, underneath a very cozy blanket. Her eyes flicker open to look down at the grimoire she has on her lap. Before she can start reading again, she feels eyes on her. Bonnie allows herself to slowly look up and promptly blinks in surprise at who she sees standing at the steps of the porch. Then she blinks again wondering if she is seeing things in the late evening with the fairy lights lining the porch. Upon seeing that the person is really there... well it takes all of Bonnie’s will to not groan in annoyance.

“What do you want Elijah Mikaelson? Are you here to demand my services? It didn’t go over very well for the oh so powerful hybrid.” Discretely Bonnie reaches to her wrist and lightly touches one of her kimoyo beads to let N’Jadaka know that she had a visitor (since he is in her grams house doing something). When all he does is stare at her in response, Bonnie lets out an aggravated breath. She starts to move to get up and go inside, Elijah quickly moves to step forward. The barrier quickly stops him in his steps.

“Miss Bennett please, I’m not here to upset you and not here to ask you to do something. Please, just stay there... I would like to apologize.” Bonnie just barely stops her jaw from dropping in shock, the only thing that stops her is feeling the kimoyo bead warming up. She quickly brushes over it to let N’Jadaka know that he didn’t need to interfere (yet). Bonnie gives Elijah a slight nod and settles back in her spot.

She watches as he shifts briefly then adjusts his cuffs while quietly clearing his throat.

“I would like to apologize for all of the pain I have caused you. I knew some of your ancestors and I respected every single one of them. I loved and respected Ayana, She was like a second mother to my siblings and myself. I regret that I have ever done any of the things that I did to you. I don’t expect your forgiveness and am not worthy of it. I would like to offer you perhaps some sort of closure. I would have written a letter to you to apologize, but you deserve more than just written word.” Bonnie can feel her buried emotions from all of the shit she was put through for Elena Gilbert come up and quickly started to blink her tears away.

“You’re right,  you don’t deserve my forgiveness, but I do. Elijah, I do forgive you. Out of everyone in my life even my friends and family... especially them. None of them ever apologized to me. As much as I hate to say this... Thank you, thank you for apologizing and actually meaning it. Thank you for doing what you did because your actions may have caused me pain, but it also helped to open my eyes. So, thank you. Although, if you ever and I mean ever try anything like that with me again... I will finish what your mother started.” She let herself watch as the different emotions flickered across Elijah’s face, which finally settled on a small, soft smile. Which evidently made him look extremely genuine and attractive.

“You Miss Bennett are an enigma, you deserve more than anyone has ever given you. I see now where they they get their compassion from. I hope you can live a life worthy of who you are.” A real joy filled smile covers Bonnie’s face and lights it up, causing Elijah’s breath to slightly hitch.

“Elijah, you are a good man. I can see why my ancestors like you. You deserve better too, get yourself out of here. Your siblings eventually have to figure it out for themselves. You are not accountable for their actions. You have the right to live your life for yourself.” Elijah briefly looks down, and lets out a slow shuddering breath, feeling all the history and buried emotions come off his chest and shoulders. He carefully reaches behind him and picks up a bag and carefully sets it down on the first step.

“These are all your ancestors grimoire's that were in our possession. Including Ayana’s, they belong with the Bennett line... we never should have had them with us in the first place. Thank you Miss Bennett, you have shown me more kindness and compassion than I deserve, goodnight.” Bonnie tilts her head, listening to the whispers upon the slight breeze as a soft smile comes upon her face.

“Goodnight, my ancestors say that you have been fully forgiven. They offer you and only you protection from other witches, do not do anything to make them pull that protection. They will not be as forgiving if you do.” It is silent for a bit as they both allow that promise echo in the air backed up by the layered whispers. Then with a slight smile on her face, Bonnie decides to add one more thing, as an olive branch for Elijah from her directly. “Oh, one more thing... Ahnika, my name, it’s Ahnika.”

If the name confused Elijah he didn’t show it and he took the olive branch for what it was. “Ahnika... Goodnight.” As he slowly walks his way down the path to the sidewalk, Elijah hears Bonnie quietly return his farewell. “Goodnight Elijah.”

After waiting for a bit, Bonnie gets up and walks to pick up the bag full of grimoires. Before she could touch the straps, N’Jadaka is there; wrapping an arm around her waist and with his other, picking up the bag with ease. “Kitten, care to tell me who that white suited man was?” Bonnie just barely held back the shiver that wants to make its way through her body. His lips are right at her ear and his front is flush with her back.

Bonnie just continues to stare at the bag in his hands and mutely shakes her head. N’jadaka lets out a huff, as he easily moves both of them back to the bench swing. He carefully sets the bag down next to the swing as he sits himself in her spot and Bonnie on his lap. Of course throughout this time he has had no care for her personal space. Bonnie is positive that he just enjoys watching her reactions.

“Kitten you better start talking, you were the one that brought my attention to an unwanted visitor. If you force me to make you talk, you won’t like how I am.” Bonnie turns on his lap to face him as his arms wrap around her to keep her steady. 

“Don’t worry about him N’Jadaka, I thought that he came here to cause problems. He just came her to apologize for his actions. That’s all” 

“I’m really supposed to believe that? Was he trying to bribe you to forgive him?” Bonnie can’t help but watch in fascination as what James had dubbed the Killmonger look filled his eyes and face. Causing his eyes to darken, his jaw to clench tightly, and tension seemed to cover his entire body. Even as she finds the look fascinating, she knows that if she doesn’t calm him down before he tries to go after Elijah... He would end up dead within the night. So, with careful fingers she starts tracing the raised markings that always peek slightly out of his shirt. Marking him as an experienced killer.

“He didn’t bribe me, I’m ready to move on from this life. I was willing to forgive him because he was honest in his regret, I want to move on from my hate. What goes on in this town with my friends and the others in none of my business nor is it my problem. Those are the grimoires that my ancestors had, they rightfully belong with the Bennett’s. He was just returning them to the correct hands.”

N’Jadaka’s eyes seem to switch and darken in a different way, a way that Bonnie couldn’t read. Though, the shiver that danced down her spine felt particularly pleasurable. Without either of them realizing it, her fingers had danced their way under his shirt following the markings. Feeling the ripple of muscles following her fingers movements caused a small smile to twitch at her lips.

“Kitten, don’t start something your not ready to finish.” N’Jadaka’s tense voice broke the peace and silence of the night. Causing Bonnie to freeze and slowly meet his eyes. She takes notice of the fire blazing in his eyes and his clenched jaw and how his hands are white knuckled from the effort of not moving. Bonnie studies his eyes a little longer and bites her lip. Feeling a flare of playfulness, determination, and something else she really didn’t want to focus on right now; made her choice.

She allowed her figures to move across his markings again and within a few seconds a snarl escapes him (sounding much like the big cats that they have in their history). Before she can react, N’Jadaka is on the move; throwing her over his shoulder, opening the door, stalking inside, allowing the door to close with a definitive click. Bonnie’s shocked laughter seems to stay ringing in the air as the bag of grimoires are left out on the porch. Where her ancestors stay outside to watch over the land. After all, none of them particularly want to watch their descendant in that way.

----

Early the next morning Bonnie or rather Ahnika quietly slips out of bed and throws on N’Jadaka’s shirt. She slips down the stairs and quietly out the front door to grab the grimoires. Once she gets them inside, she carefully starts to put them in the box with the other grimoires. Right as Ahnika finishes she feels N’Jadaka’s presence behind her.

“It’s way to early in the morning for this kitten. The day can wait.” It was, being only 3 o’clock it was definitely way to early. Though before she can say anything,  N’Jadaka latches onto the side of her neck. Then, quick enough to give Ahnika whiplash; picks her up and carries her back to bed. Yes, the day definitely could wait.

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Thank you for reading! Peace, love, and joy!

[saizoswifey]

PSA Regarding Art Theft

Hey guys, it was brought to my attention that this topic needs to be discussed again. I’ll be very serious when I say this shit needs to stop. The otome fandom is really small compared to many, and therefore it’s something I think we can get a handle on if we put ego aside and just take responsibility for our actions.

Moreover, because it’s a smaller fandom you can bet that if you’re reading this rn and feel guilt over knowing you went (or regularly go) to Pixiv or wherever else and took an artists work without asking and then came over here and posted it for notes, people know you did. Maybe not all, but some, and that’s enough and word spreads.

No one is saying you can’t repost art here, or across platforms. It’s amazing to give artists more exposure and let people enjoy the beauty of their hard work across multiple languages. But if you can’t even put in the effort to google translate a message to get permission but post it anyway, you should be ashamed. And MUCH more so if the person politely declines and you ignore their wishes.

Creating art of any kind is scary. It’s sharing a piece of yourself out in the world and honestly opening yourself up to critique even if it’s unwanted. Can you imagine posting something you worked really hard on and maybe it’s so personal your friends and family don’t even know about your hobby. And then all of a sudden some asshole has posted it without you knowing and it’s showing up all over sites in a language you can’t read and people are saying things at 30 different links and you can’t understand 100% and maybe it’s mean comments, maybe they’re making fun of you, ?? you don’t know!!

Maybe some weird knock off site is selling fucking notepads and shitty thin sweaters with your art on it now. Maybe some of the people in your real life use Pinterest and one day they’re coming to you showing you your secret fan works and saying “this looks like yours??? You’re into this???” And you JUST WANT TO DIE. It’s anxiety inducing and overwhelming and literally a loss of control over something that is supposed to be YOURS and personal and joyful.

THAT’S what you are opening someone up to when you repost art without permission. You don’t fucking know the artist, you don’t know if they’re using a pseud and in secret, you don’t know if they’re insecure or anxious or scared of having lots of people view their stuff. You don’t know if they’d be suicidal over having their work stolen. You.DONT.KNOW. That’s why you ASK. It’s not complicated or difficult. It’s common decency.

And maybe it’s scary the first few times you do it because you aren’t fluent in the language and you don’t know if you’ll just be ignored but I promise just about all will be happy you asked, and very polite, and most will be okay with it. And hell, maybe you’ll make a friend over time. Even if you’re just badly google translating back and forth.

You’re posting this art because it meant something to you in some way when you saw it. So respect that process, respect the person who brought it into existence. Cheese and crackers— just fucking ask.

And for the rest of you, you’re fucking responsible too.

Because for every one person that reads the above and agrees with it, there’s always going to be the asshole that says “hah, fuck you, I do what a want you can’t stop me” and this is where the rest of the fandom comes into play. You are just as implicit in this process.

I’ve had my work stolen more times than I can count and I can’t tell you just how much more sickening it is that i saw the people who were regularly in my notes, the people in my DMs saying how much they appreciated me etc or that they were huge fans, these same people were turning around and reblogging literally the same thing word for word and giving praising tags to my plagiarizers. And I wanted to yell HOW CAN YOU NOT EVEN CHECK OR REALIZE??? HOW CAN YOU JUST QUICK CONSUME AND REBLOG AND NOT EVEN THINK. It hurt. It hurt a lot. And it made me feel like I shouldn’t even bother anymore, because I kill myself over my work just to have someone else get tons of notes and all the praise.

Be more critical of what you consume. These reposters keep going because of YOUR ENGAGEMENT. If someone is NOT an artist yet is consistently posting art work after art work, ask yourself where it’s coming from? Who is the artist? Is this ethical? Did they ask permission? Are they even naming the artist and linking back? If not, STOP FUCKING REBLOGGING IT. If there are no notes, the reposting will stop. Someone’s mental health, and not to be dramatic but you never know—someone’s life, is more important than you reblogging a fucking picture of a 2D fake character that looks hot.

Anyway, I’m done preaching. Love you all that read through the whole thing. And if you are someone who steals art for likes and will continue to do so, or if you thinks it’s okay to steal something someone worked hard on without their permission, then unfollow me and never talk to me until you find some maturity. xoxoxo