#PTSD?

[sunny-haven]

My experiences with being hypnotized and why I'm trying out self hypnosis

Ever since getting into hypnosis, I've always wanted to be hypnotized but throughout the years that I've been into it, I can count on one hand the amount of files that have actually put me under. Even doing live sessions with other hypnotists didn't really do that much for me, though they were always beginner hypnotists and/or ones I had taught myself. Because of this, I had believed that for me to go under, I would need an experienced hypnotist that I know and trust well, and even then, it would likely take several sessions to go anywhere due to my ADHD (which made it extremely hard for me to focus during a hypnosis session). And because for the longest time, I didn't really know any hypnotists I knew and trusted well and who I wanted to hypnotize me, that belief was left unchanged for years.

The deepest anyone had put me under was my headmate Rayx, we had to do it via text. The constant switching and doing it over text prevented me from going that deep but it was more effective than anything I had ever experienced, although those two or three sessions were so long ago that my memory is fuzzy other than he got to make me chant a mantra, haha. Nowadays though, I'm not interested in Rayx putting me under and I don't think he's interested either.

In 2019, when I was still living with my family and we all stayed in one room, I finally attempted self hypnosis, and the easiest method I found was creating a hypnosis file specifically for myself. I had to be very quiet and had to wait to have the room for myself. It was mostly focused on general relaxation, more aimless than usual when I'm hypnotizing someone. Then, when I was able to have a moment to relax by myself, I laid in bed and listened to the file. None of the suggestions stuck, but it was the most relaxed I had ever been in my entire life.

I then recorded another file, one focused on helping me overcome my anxiety from phone calls (one that I still have to this day, and is currently making me procrastinate from making an important call). For whatever reason though, I avoided listening to this one, despite Rayx's insistence, and stopped making self hypnosis files for myself. I still wanted to be hypnotized and would sometimes complain about how I wished I was easier to hypnotize and that I wished that I knew someone who was experienced with hypnosis, and Rayx would always tell me that I could still go back to doing self hypnosis files since the first one worked so well, especially because I lived on my own and making them would be way easier. And for whatever reason, I wouldn't, and wouldn't have an answer for him.

Fast forward to about five years later, and being in @/nocturnowlette's community has surrounded me with several experienced hypnotists (as well as Owlette herself). It took me a long while to get around to trying out one of Owlette's files, mostly because they were either about things I wasn't interested in or I just felt like wouldn't work as someone who was inexperienced with being hypnotized. And I hadn't had the courage to ask someone to try to put me under, especially because those who I was interested in I had already hypnotized several times and I felt like some part of my brain would have a hard time submitting to them as a result (which has happened before). But then Owlette one day released a file that was supposed to be for those who struggled going under and was supposed to make it easier for them, which peaked my interest. Eventually, I decided to make myself comfortable and give the file a listen. I'll go over what happened in a moment.

Since joining Owlette's community, a deep-rooted fear of mine had been cracked wide open, one I had never even realized was there and something I still struggle to put into words. I had discovered that I had a fear of loss of control. And what "loss" and "control" mean are very nebulous in my head, but essentially when it comes to hypnosis, I want to feel like the one in control. Oftentimes that means being the hypnotist and the dom, but in other scenarios (like with one couple I'm friends with), it could mean that two people have a hypnosis relationship, but they still happily submit to me and I can mess with them easily. Maybe someone is hypnotizing a group of others, but I'm still hypnotizing the tist as well as everyone else if I want to. And this want applies to both in and out of sessions. So if I would see two people who I had hypnotized before enjoying a hypnosis session without anything to do with me, I would feel like I'm "losing control". If I was listening to someone do a public session and I have no part in it and am just a spectator, I feel like I'm "losing control". And a myriad of other things I've found can trigger this, ranging from making me mildly uncomfortable to severely, even making me break down into tears at times, even though consciously I'm trying to be happy for my friends.

I really fucking hate it. I'm currently attempting to work on this, but this was and is a thing I'm dealing with. One philosophy I used to have was simple exposure therapy, telling others to just carry on and do what they're gonna do so I can expose myself more to situations where I "lose control" so my brain can understand it's okay. Whether or not it's helping, I'm not entirely sure. But since discovering this and looking for ways to help, I had gotten the idea that hypnotizing myself and showing my subconscious mind that it was okay would probably help a lot, especially in a community who had been very focused on safety and pretalk. I decided that Owlette would probably be good, since they're a very skilled hypnotist and we already had a good hypnosis relationship in the past, and she had already mentioned several times before she was interested in putting me under. Before actually talking with her about it though, I figured I'd listen to one of her files to see what it'd be like, which was perfect when she dropped her more beginner-friendly file.

So with all that in mind, I listened to the file and it was... well... I won't go into detail, as it is not an experience I want to think about for long, but it ended up being the worst experience I've ever had with a file. And I don't mean it simply didn't work, I mean that it was genuinely painful. This isn't at all a slant to Owlette, the actual contents of the file were good and it wasn't that different from any other competent beginner-friendly hypnosis file. This instead was like a massive slap in the face that something was deeply wrong with me and that I needed to work on myself. I dunno why I even listened for long, it felt like I was actively pushing away suggestions at one point. Something in my mind just told me I needed to "see it through" or some bullshit, I don't know why. I have to wonder if my reaction ended up being comparable to a PTSD reaction or something (I am NOT saying I have PTSD btw, I'm just wondering).

Normally when I listen to a hypnosis file in the past (and I actually attempted to listen and be hypnotized), it was always by someone I never knew. That combined with the fact that I know hypnosis files for a general audience - as opposed to one made for a specific person - tend to not work unless the subject listening was particularly suggestible. So from the outset, my mind was already geared towards the file not working on me, no matter how much I tried to keep an open mind. At the same time, my ADHD would go into overdrive. Normally I don't have an easy time focusing on things (and god, I would love to try being medicated but that's unrelated) but it's never that bad, and if I'm particularly invested in something, I can more easily focus or even hyperfocus. But almost as a mental defense to prevent me from being hypnotized, my brain's hyperactivity would flare up a ton and would constantly jump from topic to topic, way more often than it normally does, and it made it virtually impossible to focus on the file for long.

For those who I did trust and let them attempt to hypnotize me, my mind took a different stance. They were inexperienced and sometimes there was even a bit of a language barrier, so my hyperactive mind would focus on tiny details they likely didn't notice and would start constantly mentally critique their methods, what words they said, or even if something was grammatically correct or not.

For this file though, I trust Owlette a lot, and more importantly, they are quite skilled and experienced, and though they've been a hypnotist for less time than me, they are definitely one of the better ones I've seen and are a very experienced subject. That, combined with my newfound knowledge of this fear that had been running in the background for years and years... I suppose it made me feel exposed in a way I never felt before when I listened to the file. The mental defenses were still there, on even more of an overdrive than ever before, but being aware of it all and knowing that Owlette was someone who's experienced and someone who I trust seemingly clashed with whatever the hell is going on deep in my mind.

All this to say, I've given up on attempting to be hypnotized by someone else, at least not until whatever is wrong with me has been solved. Exposure therapy definitely did not help in that instance. But, my mind went back to those self hypnosis files I made before and just how effective they were for me when nothing else really seemed to be. I couldn't really be afraid of losing control if I was the one putting myself under. So earlier this month, I made a self hypnosis file, based on relaxation like before but also trying to slowly get rid of that fear of loss of control. It was a bit aimless like the other self hypnosis files, but that was okay, and editing in sounds of rain while indoors next to a fireplace also helped a bunch. I certainly don't think it can be hypnotized out of me, but I'm hoping that if I keep at it, that fear will fade over time.

And as for that file itself... It again was one of the most comfortable experiences of my life. I honestly don't remember a comfier one, to be honest. And it's hard for me to judge because I'm not at all used to judging to how I respond to hypnosis, but I think I ended up going pretty deep. I nodded along to what I was saying without really thinking. I would imagine myself as my fursona a lot of the time (which is what happened during Owlette's file, though in that instance, it was not at all fun), and it felt like I was drifting off to sleep. In fact, towards the later half of the file, I don't remember any of it - it felt like I had just drifted off to sleep. I didn't even wake up during the awakener, though as soon as the file ended, I started to wake up, then was jolted awake at the realization I didn't even wake up when my voice was counting me up from trance. Like wow. Is that what it's like being hypnotized for you all??? Gosh.

Earlier today, as an attempt to calm myself before making an important call, I decided to listen to the file again. And I pretty much had the exact same experience. The only difference was that my consciousness started becoming aware as the file was waking me up, though I chose to stay in trance until the file ended, then I woke up quickly and easily the moment it ended. And then for whatever reason, I decided to listen to the file a third time while I was still in bed, and though it wasn't as effective, I still had that moment of going deep enough it felt like sleep (and thus I don't know what happened). I woke up from trance as I was saying the number 5, as I thought I was done counting then, lmao.

Needless to say, I'm definitely making more hypnosis files, though I'm unsure of what I should do next. I feel like I should make a file to help with my nervousness for phone calls, though I'm afraid I will not listen to it like I did in 2019. But I'm unsure what else I would do right now, especially since a file like that would definitely be helpful as there's an important call I need to do soon. So I might just make that particular file.

My end goal is to make me see myself as my fursona, as I have done with some people, as that has been my dream with hypnosis for years and years. I have hope now, I realize I'm a more suggestible subject than I thought. I also hope I'll be able to overcome this fear someday, because it's really getting in the way of me being able to be happy for my friends.

[zukishaylupo]

New intro post, you can see our old intro posts by looking for "intro post" as a tag on our blog.

Hello, this is mainly my fictionkin account for my ockin, Zuki Shay Hara-Lupo. I am a noncanon MHA/BNHA being/creature. You can call me Zuki, Shay, or Lupo, whatever you prefer!

My canon was divergent from the manga and anime. If you want to know more about my canon, send in an ask, or you can see some things on my original intro posts. The only thing I will mention here is that UA was a college instead of a high school, so my class and I were all 18 at the start of the first year at UA.

In this life, the body is currently 19, so keep that in mind. We don't mind minors interacting. Just know I (the host) am more hesitant to interact with minors myself.

We try and make sure our posts are all tagged well, especially for tw or cw, if you see a post of ours that doesn't have a tw or cw that needs to be tagged tagged, then let us know and we'll fix it.

We are alterhuman/nonhuman in more ways in this life and in my (the host) life as Zuki, so that will also be brought up on our account.

We will not answer/post any donation asks if you want to know why you should be able to find the posts we made about it by using the tag "no donation asks." [Had to make this bigger and bold, so hopefully, people will listen]

We will block for any reason. Especially when it comes to hate.

This is an endo safe space. We will not judge systems/plural beings for their origins. If you don't like this, leave.

We are also disabled, both in this life and in my (the host) life as Zuki, so that will also be on our blog. [In this life for all the ones after this]. We are autistic and ADHD for sure. We have a learning disability and depression as well diagnosed. We believe we might have OCD and PTSD but are not sure yet. I know we have some form of anxiety, but it's not diagnosed. We all (alters) experience these disabilities so yeah.

Because of our disabilities, we need a service dog in this life. [I also had one as Zuki]. We will likely post more about the service dog when we finally get our stuff together and do more about it.

We are plural. The terms that seem to fit our origin right now are; quoigenic, unknown, and cryptogenic.

- Zuki Shay Lupo (They/it/hx/xe/ze/he + more neos/xenos) | currently a they/it time for my pronouns

Mostly try to bold edits

Edits from Oct 22 to Nov 7: Added tag things, changed words on some tag things, changed parts of the post, added parts to the post, and edited the sign off on the post.

Edit from Nov 8: Edited signoff tag things.

Tags that are for specific things;

# howling and barking at the moon - poems/poetry

# howling into the past - past life/kin memories good

# barking into the past - past life/kin memories bad

# woof woof reblog - rebloging alterhuman/nonhuman stuff or adding alterhuman/nonhuman stuff in my reblog

# other reblog - rebloging without alterhuman/nonhuman stuff

# confused howling - questioning system/plural stuff, including origin and alters

# disabled pup - disability things

# meowing in confusion - idk this is just for when I am confused about something

# little pup - sfw age regression things when pup is used to refer to me

# little kitten - sfw age regression things when kitten/kit is used to refer to me

# howling barking and meowing - talking about stuff tag, idk lol

# tri beta noises sfw - sfw misceverse stuff

# tri beta noises nsfw - nsfw misceverse stuff

# multi noises - system/plural things

# multi reblog - system/plural reblogs

# 💚🩵🐾🪶 - Shay/Zuki Shay Lupo | host and MHA/BNHA kin put together, lol

# 🌊🔷️🌟🎨 - Lakey | alter

# 😺🤎🍓🥓 - Declan (The cat face changes based on mood of post) | alter

# 🐈🐈‍⬛🍗🥛 - Lynix | alter

# 🐺🦾🦿🤖 - Oynx Afton (the middle two are supposed to just represent animatronic shit) | no idea whether this is a kin or an alter, lol

# 🟤🐺🐾🌕 - Phalen Lupe (supposed to represent werecanine/werewolf) | either kin or alter

# 🗣💚🦮🥦 - Shirley | alter

# 🐺🍂😇😈 - Vesper Lucian (supposed to represent fallen angel) | now we are kinda thinking this is an alter

# 🩵🦴🐾🪽 - Cyan Lupo | RWBY kin

# ❓️⁉️❔️🤔 - ? (don't know who the fuck this person is, think they are an alter though?)

# 💬🗣❓️❔️- When confused who is fronting

[vizthedatum]

I love my friends, the connections I'm creating and nurturing, my plushies, juice, tea, and so many beverages.

I love my body's ability to move around and do fun things.

I love my bed.

I love the number of TV shows I can choose from to watch!

I love books!!!!!!

I love how many art supplies I have.

I love programming and statistics.

I love games, even if it is still hard for me to play them.

I love having access to healthcare, even if I complain.

I love food! I love dessert! I love apples and pomegranates!

I love HELLO KITTY.

I am so full of love.

And I do love myself... it's just a little challenging at the moment, but I do.

[calmmyfears]

i have therapy tomorrow but first i'm going to visit my family and they are the exact reason why i need therapy.

[appl3-juice-box]

Hey, Science side of Tumblr? !TW for graphics descriptions of bl00d!

So, science and/or psychology side of Tumblr, is there like PTSD but physical?

@sciencesideanswers @sciencesideresponse please, I need answers

Let me explain, whenever I experience something that triggers me into a "flashback" instead of having a flashback, my body starts having phantom pains of the physical things that happened to me. Like, I was just in the movie theater watching a movie when a loud noise sounded and a woman got stabbed, well, I once got stabbed and it tore open my side, pain is the ass- er, side I guess. WELL! throughout the whole movie, I was sitting there clutching my bleeding side trying to not move or I'd have pain shoot through the left side of my body. I could feel the blood and I could feel the stickyness of it. When the movie ended, I rushed to the bathroom and my side was completely fine, no blood, nothing! I could still feel the pain and I can actually still feel it, but this happens quite a lot, and I was wondering if this is normal or some medical issue. I normally would just search it up, however I've learned to not trust Google with medical things.

[knockknockwhosthereartistism]

The worst trauma comes from those who you love

[brain--rott]

"everybody experiences that" says mother who has the same symptom of the same mental illness

[manhattan-gamestop]

Me explaining why my grades were/are shit

[frownyalfred]

Jason and Bruce are out late one night in Gotham as civilians. They get cornered by a mugger and Jason nearly pisses himself, he’s so amused. He teases the would-be mugger about their hand placement, even tries to goad the mugger into a fight because he’s Red Hood. He can disarm anyone in seconds. It doesn’t matter if you have a gun — he has two.

He’s Red Hood, and he has the literal Bat of Gotham standing behind him like a wall of muscle. They’re as close to invincible as humans get, in this town. And that kind of confidence scares off their would-be mugger.

But then Jason turns around, a smile stretching across his face, and Bruce is white. Bone white and so so quiet, eyes wide and trained on where the mugger had been standing.

[zukishaylupo]

More bad memories from my life as Zuki. Cause of course my brain hates me.

Tw: abuse, school abuse[? Idk what to call it], muzzles, quirk discrimination, shock collars, bullying, I think that's it for this one?

When I was younger, my bio mother was told to use a muzzle and shock collar that "neutralized" quirks on me. Cause my quirk was "dangerous" and "needed to be controlled." These were supposed to be illegal to use on anyone, even the most dangerous villain. But of course, people didn't listen and used them on those with "evil" or "villain" quirks (especially certain mutant related quirks).

It kinda makes sense that a hero like my bio mother could get one, but what's 'interesting' is that once I got into middle school, some of the teachers also had them. I don't know where they got them, but whatever. My middle school and high school both used the muzzles and shock collars on me.

When I was in middle school, I was still very cautious and shit. I never fought back, I never started a fight, I never did any of that. But yet anytime someone attacked me, I got punished. They would put the muzzle on me saying something about how I was bad and deserved it and the same thing with the shock collar. But 'luckily' the shock collar was less often used.

In high school is when I started fighting back sometimes. It was still usually only if someone else was being hurt [whether physically or verbally]. When it was just me, I would usually not fight back. Sometimes, I did fight back when it was just against me fully, though.

This is all I'm gonna talk about rn.

- Zuki Shay Lupo (They/it/he)

[cringecorp]

[loveelizabeths]

love elizabeth s.

[solidwater05]

Apparently this needs to be said so

Forgetting things is morally neutral! Memory issues are morally neutral!

You're not a bad person if you...

forget things quickly

forget people

can't remember entire stages of your life

can't remember important things

can remember some things very well and forget other things all the time

can't remember things (or anything!) about your interests

forget to eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, etc

forget to reply to texts

remember things and immediately forget them again

can't remember birthdays, events, etc

frequently answer 'I forgot' to questions

can't retain new information

forget things you used to know

only remember things when it's too late

have vague, distorted and/or unreliable memories

depend on others to know how an event you were in played out

have other symptoms that are worsened by memory issues and vice versa

... and anything else I might have missed!

[kloudyco]

I don't "like" the horrors, I tolerate them.

[bl0w-m3]

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s her dads fault.