#Overthinking it too much maybe
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I need the secret third thing between sleep and death right fucking now
#I thought it was Thursday it’s not so there goes my plan of joking abt this#Everything I’ve done today has left a terrible feeling in me idk why#So I kinda just wanna cry rn even tho like everything’s fine. Literally nothing bad happened#But everything /feels/ bad. You know. Like *I* specifically feel bad for just doing things#I dunno maybe I just need to log off for the night and chill#Overthinking it too much maybe#S.K thinks
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A "RETURN of the Number of PERSONS FLOGGED in the BRITISH NAVY, in each of the Years 1845 and 1846; specifying the Name of the Ship, the Offence, the Sentence and the Number of Lashes Infficted." Parlamentary Paper, Number 661 of Session 1847
So after reading the Post about Jopsons Flogging by @handfuloftime I went down a research rabbit hole because I wanted to see if their exist sufficient & specific enough Data to accuratly compare his punishment and put it in the historical context.
I found this Website, which features the two tables from the Parlamentary Papers and their Source.
(Note: The tables on the website are incomplete and inaccurate in certain places. I compared it from top to bottom to the original source and corrected/added the informations in my table.)
I used that as a basis for my own table, where I also added Averages and Sliders so people can search the Informations!
(Apparently Sliders don't work on Mobil, and I don't know enough about Google Sheets how to fix it :/
If anyone knows or if you find a some kind mistake please let me know.)
This week I visited the University Libary, which has access to the Parlamentary Papers Online, to see if such tables also exist for earlier years but sadly 1845 was the first year where they went into such Specifics.
(I hope to add some of the Years after 1846 to the table, when I can.)
Earlier years only had these Informations per Year:
Total Number of Punishments
Total Number of Lashes
Highest Number of Lashes Inflicted at One Time
Lowest Number of Lashes Inflicted at One Time
This Information for 1839 - 1846 under the Cut.
Also under the Read More are some Graphs, Medians & Averages about Flogging for Drunkenness Alone, seperated by Seamen, Marines, Boys and Everyone!
Hope that someone find this useful/interesting !
Corporal Punishment for Drunkenness Alone
Everyone:
Lashes Sentenced Median: 32,75 (1845: 36 | 1846: 31,4)
Lashes Sentenced Average: 31,07 (1845: 31,13 | 1846: 31,02)
Lashes Inflicted Average: 30,8 (1845: 31,02 | 1846: 30,58)
Seamen:
Lashes Sentenced Median: 36 (1845: 36 | 1846: 36)
Lashes Sentenced Average: 34,37 (1845: 34,62 | 1846: 33,86)
Lashes Inflicted Average: 34,33 (1845: 34,41 | 1846: 33,86)
Marines:
Lashes Sentenced Median: 31,4 (1845: 32 | 1846: 31,4)
Lashes Sentenced Average: 30,8 (1845: 31,09 | 1846: 31,09)
Lashes Inflicted Average: 30,8 (1845: 31,09 | 1846: 30,69)
Boys:
Lashes Sentenced Median: 24 (1845: 24 | 1846: 33)
Lashes Sentenced Average: 26,22 (1845: 24,4 | 1846: 28,5)
Lashes Inflicted Average: 25,33 (1845: 24,4 | 1846: 26,5)
Years
1839:
Number of Punishments: 2,007
Number of Lashes: 59,341
Highest: 60 | Lowest: 3
1840:
Number of Punishments: 2,026
Number of Lashes: 60,302
Highest: 48 | Lowest: 1
1841:
Number of Punishments: 2,066
Number of Lashes: 61,669
Highest: 50 | Lowest: 2
1842:
Number of Punishments: 2,472
Number of Lashes: 71,024
Highest: 100* | Lowest: 1
1843:
Number of Punishments: 2,170
Number of Lashes: 63,985
Highest: 60 | Lowest: 3
1844:
Number of Punishments: 1,411
Number of Lashes: 42,352
Highest: 72+ | Lowest: 6
1845:
Number of Punishments: 1,070
Number of Lashes: 33,511
Highest: 48 | Lowest: 3
1846:
Number of Punishments: 1,077
Number of Lashes: 32,360
Highest: 50* | Lowest: 3
*By sentence of a Court Martial.
+By order of the Commander-in-Chief for theft, in a shop at Chusan, and violence to the natives.
Sources: A "RETURN of the CORPORAL PUNISHMENTS inflicted in the ROYAL NAVY, in each of the Years 1839 to 1843, both inclusive, stating the highest and lowest Number of Lashes at each Time, and the aggregate Number of Lashes in each Year [ ]" Parlamentary Paper, Number 308, of Session 1845 + ABSTRACT of Total Numbers of CORPORAL PUNISHMENTS inflicted in the NAVY, and the Total Number of LASHES Inflicted, in each Year up to the 31st December 1846 [ ]. Parlamentary Paper, Number 661, of Session 1847
#british navy#the terror#thomas jopson#cornelius hickey#tagging him also because maybe some fan find this interesting too#good I hope this post is formulated okay#i tend to overthink that#also it's late BUT I finally need to post this#before terror camp next week#okay this week for me#but I havent gone to bed so I dont feel like it's monday yet#i spend lots of hours searching until I found that website the day the post hit#and when the Keynote was Anounced I knew that I had to finally finish the table#I spend SO SO Many Hours on this#I hope at least one person will find this useful#also the Admiralitys Capitalising really didnt help reign my german brain in#also this isn't all the maths I have in my notes#I calculated more Averages but I thought I might overwhelm people so I streamlined this Post a bit#Still mad that I worked so much to get this Sliders to work#even after they Broke#and they not even work on Mobile#need to fix that somehow in the future#i always had the Vibe that Floggings in The Terror might have been tuned down/adjusted for modern audiences
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Screw it, here are some Moe doodles I posted on other platforms a while ago.
#The Simpsons#Moe Szyslak#Moe Syzlak#and I am gonna share my art on here again as well#I am still really unsure about the selfship account tho...#but maybe I am gonna post my stuff on there again as well#I am holding myself back too much because I am overthinking things like blocks way too much#artbyleibi97
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I really like how Disco Elysium's ""good ending"" is fucking terrifying in the sense that Harry can still be a drug addict, alcoholic, racist violent cop and still get his job back as long as he can hold a gun, his plate and he's able to interrogate a senile man. if you don't play that way its still something they would do
Even Kim defending you is horrible too, from Harry's pov is a beautiful act but it just proves how one bad apple spoils the rest. Kim can be a good cop but when the time comes he will defend his partners above everyone else
#disco elysium#kim kitsuragi#harry du bois#idk maybe im thinking too much to the point when im overthinking but still
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#thinking abt more harm reduction posts but they take a long time to make so have this in the meantime#I also overthink way too much#it’s the ocd#jirai#jiraikei#jiraiblr#jirai kei#jirai girl#landmineblr#landmine kei#landmine type#landmine girl#userbox#speaking of overthinking I think the cat looks weird I think if I used this cat I should have made it black but I’ve already made it#maybe I’ll remake it later#idk
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do you. do you think that gem trying to keep control over conversations and general situations is a result of everything that happened in secret life. like, she was forced to take on roles, decisions and tasks that she didnt want (leadership that she despised, losing her eye, the boogey task that she literally couldn’t refuse, killing scott, how everything ended with pearl) losing control over her own life until the very end so now she's just. she's just trying to prevent that from happening. because last time she ended up confused and hurt and alone and she can’t let that happen again. she can’t let herself fall like that again. and all this showing itself so strongly with pearl in wild life. pearl, who she still loves but can’t just forgive her, because gem wants closure. gem cares so much for pearl it’s asphyxiating but at the same time, allowing herself to just be is leaving herself vulnerable, like she did in secret life. and we all know how secret life ended. gem so openly loved and it didnt matter. so maybe this is the best for them, in gem's eyes, because they cant get closure now.
this all to say that gem has denied herself from her own happiness. i fear things wont end well for her
oh yeah, a 100%. i joked before that despite gem's very adapting nature in the games, she almost never actually succeded on her secret tasks UNTIL she was red, infamously where people tend to lose the ties to each other. for her character, the tasks were pretty much a non-issue until they cost her the game
gem doesn't like her infamy in the series (she always brought up how much of a peaceful green she was, even when her actions showed otherwise, and she literally painted a target onto herself). this infamy makes her feared and was what allowed her web of connections, but she never really wants these for the powet ut provides. just for the control she gets out of it.
because the second she can't foresee and control things around her, her social game falls apart and gem's only other advantage becomes her pvp
i love gem's pov, but the family's social game came from the two of them being a very powerful and skilled duo, not their ability to read and direct the social landscape. most of gem's secondary allies were in it bc they don't want to be on her bad side and gem is notorolious not a good liar, which makes it harder for her to mantain that facade (unlike our resident social players like scar, bigb and scott)
and honestly? that is gem shines the most. when her talking doesn't get what she needs, she turns to threats. when she is killed down to yellow, she doesn't get mad. she rejoices, she runs to joel to show off how she can kill now. she is more in control in yellow than in green, why would she be mad about it?
she craves control bc it means safety, means she can trust herself more than others. means that she doesn't need to get attached just to get hurt
#from the sheep askbox#geminitay#traffic series#sheep live blogs#wild life#wild life smp#wild life spoilers#pearlescentmoon#joel smallishbeans#gempear#pearlgem#shiny duo#the family#maybe i am just reading too much into it#but i am a rambler and overthinker first and a character analysis fanatic second
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random thought bc i was making alphyne sims LOL, do you think undyne would ever want to have children? how do you think she’d be as a parent?
While I personally don't quite have a "definite yes" or "definite no" answer for this I personally think that, yeah, possibly! I think it's a question with a lot of layers to it, "is it something the character would want?" "Is it something the character should do?" "How much thought would the character put into it all beforehand?" "How long would the character wait before making that choice?" And first of all I think I should talk about fandom culture's view on kids in general. Why? Because I'm obsessed with validating my opinions like this
It's been said many times by many people now how there are a lot of times where fans end up writing completely out of character for the purpose of placing characters into positions of stereotypical familial structures- ESPECIALLY forcing women into the roles of motherhood where it doesnt fit or make sense for them to the point where I don't think I can really add anything substantial or important to the topic. The pros have very much said what needs to be said.
HOWEVER. I ALSO LIKE TO HAVE FUN WITH FUCKING CHARACTERS. I LIKE TO EXPLORE DIFFERENT TOPICS AND SITUATIONS WITH THEM. I WANT PEOPLE TO BE ABLE TO SHAMELESSLY ENJOY THEIR RIGHT TO INTERPRET CHARACTERS WHERE THEY THINK NESCECARY. WHERE THEY THINK FUCKING FUN!!!
So with that said, while demeaning female characters to singular sad and one dimensionsional traits of "Mother" is very clearly to me Not A Good Thing, people should stop acting like it's a fucking sin to imagine the possibility of a character having a child while still retaining all their accurate attributes, because it is a very possible thing that can be and IS done!!!!!
What are my thoughts on Undyne with all this?

Hehhaahehehaa....... strap in.
Where do I BEGIN. How about the inspirations behind the character of undyne herself.

Ok so see this wonderful lass here. That's a sculpture by Chauncey Ives of the mythical water spirit, Undine. Thinking about it, you all probably know this anyway because I do fairly often reblog Undine themed stuff too. Because I'm just like this. But how about the interesting stuff?
The original myth, created by Paracelsus, an alchemist and philosopher born in the 1400s, I believe comes from his work "A Book on Nymphs, Sylphs, Pygmies, and Salamanders, And Kindered Spirits". I think that's what it was called. I'm too tired to talk fully about it specifically and we need to get to the point so have a video of some guy reading it here
youtube
Yay :]
It's pretty much what it says. Paracelsus essentially believed that elemental beings (whom he had adapted and reimagined from ancient or traditional at the time sources) were simply part of the strangeness of God's natural creation and should be studied, as part of appreciation of the Bible etc. And we know ALL ABOUTTTTT utdr and its biblical links/imagery. But back to undine :]
Paracelsus named his takes on the classic concept of elementals: gnomes for earth (YES HE INVENTED THE WORD GNOME!!!!!), sylphs for air (yeah he also invented the word sylph), salamanders for fire (he didn't invent that :[), and of COURSE! UNDINES FOR WATER! He believed undines to be fairly similar to humans, a significant difference being the lack of a soul. Which surely means nothing when talking about Souls Are Important the Video Game. And anyways according to him they were apparently fairly capable of getting a soul through love. Wikipedia also says that Paracelsus says that a child from this love will too have a soul which is nice
Blablabla Wikipedia says undines are like fucking desperate to get a husband or whatever but dudeeeee she can do whatever she fucking wantssssss. I think she can and should be enjoying her life with alphys rather than it being a thing just for a living soul or whatever. They're just happy, no mythology attached
Onto the most iconic interpretation of the myth, 1811s Undine by Friedrich De La Motte Fouque. When you think of the tale of Undine it's almost always that it's this specific story you pull from. Apart from another one I'll briefly touch on later (please hope it's brief). In it, Undine is a woman adopted by a fisherman, who was taken in by the fisherman after his own child died. Hmmmmm wow hmm sort of like how asgore took in undyne after his children died HM BACK ON TOPIC. Personality-wise, Undine is described by Wikipedia (because I don't have the book) as "erratic", and "capricious", which Google dictionary describes as "given to sudden and unaccountable changes of mood or behaviour", which again sounds quite similar to the Undyne we all know and love.
It mentions that when married to Huldbrand (the main guy in the book he's not important tho) she is "kind and gentle" and yeah imo the writing with this IS kinda shit HOWEVER I think if were simply using this as inspiration for undyne I can definitely imagine her *eventually* becoming a calmer and more thoughtful person with A: the presence of someone like alphys to mutually love and understand her for her and B: the absence of having to worry about a war to fight and always sort of being on edge and just being. Like that. And again this would all be a *progressive experience*, rather than in the book where undine literally switches up over night. I do like to consider character and stuff
There's this line from the Wikipedia summary which jumpscared me

I 0% believe this has any significance to deltarune whatsoever however it was so funny out of context I had to add it
Another completely unrelated thing here but there's a fucking guy called "Kuhleborn" and I just. Can homestuck leave me alone. FOR FIVE MINUTES.
Sorry back to cherry picking the story to fit undyne.
Ok so truthfully I don't find anything else from that specific story that I find particularly helpful to undyne, the rest of it's kinda just useless to my point. Re-establishing the fact here that I skipped over a most of the actual significant parts of the story because I specificly want to talk about how I see it parallel to undyne. But that's it really. I just especially wanted to mention this adaptation of the story as it is pretty much the most iconic interpretation of the myth.
That is, interpretations that specifically refer to its source by name. Because by far the most well known media to draw influence from the myth of undine is the iconic Hans Christian Andersen fairytale, "The Little Mermaid". I don't have much to say on how the little mermaid does take much inspiration from undine, other than the way andersen himself interpreted the story. Simply, the fact that Hans Christian Andersen, a man who based this story off of his own feelings at the inability for another man to reciprocate feelings of romance for him, and resonated with the story of undine so much that it was a source of inspiration for the little mermaid itself is so crazy to me. Like. Here is a queer man who read the tale of Undine and understood it so much he wrote his own story inspired by it and made it tie in with his own experiences of homosexuality! Like that's so crazy to me! Because it just makes the undertale character of undyne being sapphic so much better to me! It took the sad story of gay tragedy and took it and made it a story of gay joy!!!!!!! We are all so happys forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok ummmm. I got carried away because we are steering very far away from what this post was originally about. Umm. Point is. Original story was of queer sadness but undertale is now of queer joy + the story of queer joy being based on story where being with this person who you really love and being truly and properly bonded in an undeniable and magical way is enough to give you a soul that will live forever. I think that's somewhere near the point I'm trying to make but at the same time it's not quite the point I was trying to make. And this is absolutely just one interpretation of one relationship and this is by no means in any way supposed to be the end all be all of what ANY relationship should be. I really don't think this is what the definition of love is. However for these characters I feel it can be a huge aspect of it for them
NOW FINALLY MOVING ON TO THE ACTUAL CHARACTER FROM UNDERTALE THANK FUCKING GOODNESS!!!!!
Oh undyne. With some of the implications in game that she lost her family, I very much imagine her being cautious with this sort of situation. Would she be able to handle is for example? Would she know what to do. Given its something she might not even have real first hand experience of, is it something she would even want to risk forcing upon another person? I think she struggles so much with responsibility as it is. She wants nothing more than to protect people and cheesus if she had a kid of her own you know she would be doing every single thing in her power to make sure that kid never has to face what she did. Undyne says at one point in game (if you kill her in neutral i believe) she never told alphys the way she felt because if/when she died in battle, she wouldn't want alphys to deal with that. And again, she really would not want to have a kid if she worries that one day that kid would have to worry about someone they truly care about not being with them anymore
So *would* she want them? I don't really think it would be an overwhelming innate desire or anything like that, but really not against it. Sged need a lot of time beforehand first. Some time to live her life to the fullest, time to make sure it's something she can handle without guilt, time to make sure it's something that does bring her joy. And then yeah, 6 or 7 years minimum I can see it happening. And I think it would be nice
"Now let's talk about susie, can we talk about susie? Please stun (and other readers) I've been dying to talk with you about susie all post, okay?" /ref
I don't really have anything to add I just think alphyne should adopt susie. In every timeline. Undertale deltarune I just think ok. Because she doesn't have a good home life to the point where she's like just Not Safe and hm young couple with no children in her area? Undyne would want to help her soooo bad because she understands just what it feels like to be young and alone not really cared for and she would NEED to fix it. That's defo how it is for undertale at LEAST. Idk entirely with dr if it'd be exactly like that cause we don't know what undynes got going down in dr yet.. but even so that's nothing to stop them
Anways yeah I think you mightve been waiting just a wee bit long for the answer to this ask I uhh.....m.....mmmm. yeah man I... yeah. I really do genuinely hope you enjoyed his tho cause uts currently quarter to 2 in the morning and I'm going on a train & to the aquarium tmrw so my ass CANNOT be waking up at 11 am again. Shits fucked. But when I tell you when I'm locked in on an undyne topic I AM LOCKED IN. IT TOOK A WHILE BUT I FINALLY DID IT. MORE THAN HALF OF THIS WAS WRITTEN WITH NO BREAKS OF CHECKS BUT THATS THE BEAUTY!!!!!! FLY MY SCARAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#been thinking about this driving myself crazy over my answer to this ask for so long#the thing is while I put a lot of thought into it what if everyone else disagrees and ive commited a ''character misinterpretation''™️?#i like the idea of it‚ but I do also want to prove myself as undyne understander no1 and I do not think i would be able to handle myself if#-i lost that#and then theres questions like ''would this be something people want to see?'' ''is there a specific way it should be done?''#''would this be a choice thatd be good FOR the characters to make''#and again. i have put SO much thinking into this. but its in a way where ive thought about it so much that maybe no one would even understa#have i completely thrown away the original character aside in favour of something i think is ''right''?#ive heard it a few times that the concept of fan children arent good because uts just trying to put characters into a#''stereotypical perfect little societally correct family''which ABSOLUTELY makes sense to me#which is why i overthink so much about how i portray it all. so i can get it right#but what if even then im still wrong. or what if im just here thinking way too hard about having fun on the Internet. i wrote a lot here sr#asks#chat you dont want to know how long ive had this ask for........listen i have a lot of thoughts and it takes me a really long time2 share o#the more i like something the more care goes into it. care = time. i think ive had this ask for a year.#can you tell i went off the rails here#unaltered#shot dead#do i even dare main tag#we'll see how the post goes over and when ive given it some thought I'll either tag it or i wont ok goodnight ily all <333333333#!!#undertale#bogos i binted#utdr#undyne#undyne undertale#undyne deltarune#undyne the undying#deltarune#undine
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I know the likeliest explanation is just that JCR said something about looking for his friends when he first met the Netsilik Hunter but part of me does like to think it's something of a clue when the Hunter specifically says "your friend took my hands"
A subtle sign for the audience that there's more to the story and he knows more than he's letting on? That he already knows 'Aglooka' is JCR's friend because Aglooka himself has in fact told him as much?
#Maybe I'm reading too much into it (likely) but that line just sort of jumped out at me there on my rewatch#Like maybe the Hunter would see JCR's distress and intuit that Aglooka is someone he cares very much about?#But at least on screen I feel like we don't really see a good reason for the Hunter to know about that friendship specifically?#JCR doesn't refer to Crozier as his friend or anything like that I mean#It's not until the story circles back at the end that it becomes clearer#As I say - probably overthinking it and the simplest solution is the most likely but it's something to consider anyway#The Terror#The Terror AMC#S01E01#Go For Broke#Netsilik Hunter#Rewatch Observations
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This one goes here cause Steb's face might be too much for my main
#arcane#steb arcane#steb#arcane oc#steb x oc#first post lets GOOOO#fandom#Steb x Cleave#Sleave#FishBone#Cleave 🦴#slaytastic scribbles#while its nothing explicit.. is his face too much.. maybe im overthinking#art
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'Dumbledore stood and swept over to the cabinet where he now kept the Pensieve, but which then was full of bottles. Having handed Voldemort a goblet of wine and poured one for himself, he returned to the seat behind his desk.' - harry potter and the half blood prince, chapter twenty
I love the chance for angst and I look into things way too much so. Albus having drinking problems, drinking as a unhealthy coping mechanism ( during the summer and after ) </3
the 'and which then' implies it wasn't always there; so the question is why not? Why exactly was the Pensieve not always in that place, but instead a whole cabinet of alcohol at that time? I always assumed he had some form of drinking problem from the way this this extract is said, but was able to heal from it by the time of the golden trio.
#summer 1899#albus dumbledore#I always found it odd how Albus had a whole cabinet#and I overthink and over-analyze#ALBUS ANGST!!!!#Maybe I am looking into it too much
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I’ve suddenly been struck by a vision of what Alexander looks like to me and I need to draw him my god
I have no time to do that
But I need to
#rolling with difficulty#the most knight in shining armour you’ve ever seen but like#like#idk#I have some Thoughts#anyway pretty longish blond hair with braids decorated with things from his friends#like how a knight wears tokens of their patron in a tournament#little hand forged dwarves heads from hali#a cog looped in form maxim#either prayer bead or a silver dragon charm from Emeraude#tied with frayed leather bands from the hilts of Flint’s weapons#they’re usually hidden under his helm but they’re there#anyway the cog thing is funny if I’m using my headcanon that mechanites propose with a gear from their ‘heart’#maybe it’s not from the heart but it’s a gear that Alexander picks up when Maxim is injured and asks to keep#he doesn’t think much of it and says sure but then. he’s just. wearing it around???#on display? a little shiny chunk of himself which looks just a fraction too close to what a betrothal token would be#help him Maxim will overthink it
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the terukane development still blows off my mind because what do you mean akane considers himself telling teru to go away while he's on a date with aoi an ooc thing. I grew up in a time when "hearing sorry from you is creepy" was legit his most normal and calmest response
ashamed to admit but I'm still there. my mind is still there. and then I watch in pure horror how akane caresses teru's back
#yes ch103 was not enough to convince me#my heart has been aching so much for akane bc I was always like#ohhh godddddd you aren't obliged to do any of this you're way too kind for this world please reconsider & have more confidence in yourself#and then the things Kept Happening and more frequently too and at some point I was like WAIT YOU'RE FOR REAL ?#YOU CARE-CARE?#“oh my god. you poor thing.”#ashk28 feels like a wild fever dream#first of all. WHAT . second of all. WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALLAT HAPPENED BEFORE THE GRIM REAPER ARC#terukane#ik nobody's perfect & it's the tbhk charm#but akane is genuinely one of the most kind and gentle souls out there for me#I'm getting emotional#dear please tell more about yourself#where did you get such strong empathy & the ability to remain caring and gentle despite it all#and the alarming lack of self-confidence#sweetie you're the best thing to have ever happened to aoi and teru#please know that#jshk#tbhk#ok I indeed got emotional#now I ofc do realize he's been caring about both of them long before ashk28 release but I've honestly been Ignoring the signs#was treating them like a queerbait I guess#I don't think there's anything super wrong with 'queerbait' though#shit I've started overthinking and now I'm not even sure what 'queerbait' is#time to finish this rant#I've tagged this as terukane but finished talking more about teruaoikane growing closer in general#as a trio#I should do a teruaoi post someday maybe#aoi akane#ty aidairo for him
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i think the main point of gemma episode is to show us the contrast between what it was and what it is now, that she is gone and we will never see that version of her again and that the most important part of processing grief is acceptance. you cannot have it any other way.
#maybe i am overthinking it too much but you cannot bring back a person from dead!!! not the version you know of atleast!!! chasing behind#that past is futile!! your grief cannot be replaced because suppose mark gets her back do you really think it will magically fix everything#2 years of denial & avoidance & depression it just does not vanish & she herself would have go through SO MUCH#anyways#severance#severance spoilers#markgemma
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everyone always says xiao is mysterious and i agree - but the thing is, he's not only that way because he doesn't talk a lot. it's also because when he says something, it doesn't mean it's the whole truth about him.
xiao tells lumine that he's unable to understand human emotions but he's one of the most gentle souls she's ever met. he says she shouldn't get too close to him and then, swears that he will be always there when she calls. birthdays are useless in his eyes but he makes a gift for her, nonetheless. sight seeing in the city is not his thing but he's still willing to go there with her - for her.
it's all a bunch of little white lies xiao tells her and himself; and it takes everything in lumine to pretend not to notice it.
because although he might say he's not emotional nor romantic, she sees something way different. every little gesture, like how he makes use of any excuse - no matter how flimsy it is - just to touch her and stay by her side longer. the longing glances when his gaze always searches for her figure in every room he enters. she feels his eyes linger on the expanse of her skin even when the conversation between them is over, burning in a way that makes her want to grab him by the collar of his shirt and kiss him senseless.
it makes lumine tense, too. just a little.
even when he's silent, xiao's aura is so intense...
there's more to him. perhaps, it's something he isn't truly aware of. but perhaps, he knows that emotions - that odd hunger and yearning that flashes across his face from time to time - he hides are deep enough to push him to the point of no return, swallow him whole and destroy his self-control. the enormity of fondness he holds for her is scary at times–
nonetheless... xiao lumine knows - the honest and open side of him - is kind, gentle.
no matter how careless she is, he takes care if her and is worried about her well-being more than she is. he stays by her side at night to make sure she sleeps well. his voice softens while he's speaking to her, too - when he says her name like it means everything to him. like she is everything he has ever wished for and more.
and maybe, hopefully, it's true and xiao wants lumine. just how she wants him, if not more.
#xiaolumi#genshin impact#xiao#lumine#xiao x lumine#xiao's expressions aren't telling lumine much but she's still able to get an inkling of his true feelings so easily#maybe it's because she hides parts of her true self she considers ugly too and says that everything's fine when she's obviously not#and it's not that they're liars because they are not. it's just... a force of habit. kind of.#it's hard for them to see themselves for who they truly are - without overthinking and noticing the flaws they wish to erase#and it's hard to embrace their emotions and be completely honest and vulnerable when the world has ripped their hearts apart so many times#their relationship is so precious to me because they really adore each other so much and stick together no matter what. THIS IS TRUE LOVE!#xiaolumi my beloved <3#writers on tumblr#fanfiction#fanfic#writing
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White Chrysanths for the Swallow
Rocky was waiting for her at the table at the Little Daisy, but this time he was especially eager. Even Ivy had stopped teasing him about the way he lighted up and hummed to himself as he waited for Mau to show up at the door of the café, and just smiled, refilling his coffee whenever it ran out. He almost daydreamed of handing Maura two tickets to tomorrow's musical: of her eyes sparkling, of her taking his hand and telling him he was the best in the world.
But time passed, and Mau wasn't coming.
In those few hours, Rocky had replayed the fantasy in his head hundreds of times, changing the lines and the scenery. At first, imaginary Maura was beaming with happiness, calling him affectionate names, melting in his arms like all those heroines on the stage of a musical theater in the arms of their beloved ones, but every time the fantasy became darker and darker. More disturbing. Mau no longer rejoiced, no longer smiled. Her bright lively figure was becoming more and more dim, and she more often sighed, frowned, did not accept the gift. She asked him to return the tickets, scolded him for wasting his money carelessly, told him some news, one worse than the other, and finally said she didn’t want to see him again. Never again.
It was getting unbearable to sit still, and Rocky abruptly moved away from the table, threw on his coat, and headed for the exit. Maybe a walk would clear his head a little…
“Miss Pepper, I have a very urgent task to attend to. If she shows up on the doorstep, don't let her out of here on any pretext. Lock the doors, board up the windows, show her every fashion magazine you can find, but don't let her leave here until I get back. I'm counting on your wit and exceptional charm.”
The way he looked intently into Ivy's eyes before he left looked almost threatening. He wasn't even aware of the desperation hiding behind that look. But Ivy saw it.
“Don't worry, I'm an expert at this,” she winked at him encouragingly.
The cold air blew across Rocky's face, and he shivered, pulling his scarf over his nose, the same funny skewed scarf Mau had knitted for him last Christmas. Sometimes, like now, Rocky thought he could still smell on it the very same scent of coffee and pastries that wafted from the Venza family's eatery. It didn't help distract him, though. Quite the opposite. After walking a few blocks in an attempt to escape his doubts, he spotted a small flower shop — Rocky's imagination immediately conjured up a lovely picture of Maura cradling a fresh spring bouquet on this cold, cloudy evening and he didn't notice himself stepping over the store’s doorstep. The frail old woman behind the counter put aside the newspaper and immediately chirped, offering him different flowers, and finally convinced him to take a few white chrysanthemums. She tied the flowers with a delicate pink ribbon and also wrapped them tightly in the newspaper she had read before.
“They mustn't be overfrozen. Or they won't last long,” she explained sternly.
Rocky walked back much more briskly. He was warmed by the thought that now he would be able to give Mau not one surprise, but two. Hiding the bouquet from a gust of cold wind, Rocky lowered his gaze to it and pressed the flowers closer to himself… when suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed the headline of one of the newspaper articles.
“Shootout at the small Italian eatery Casa di Rondine shocked the residents… a bloody showdown in the neighborhood… occurred on the night… police identified the bodies of two…”
Rocky couldn't remember how he reached the familiar alleyway. How he threw the bouquet to the ground, swung over the barrier tape, and rushed to the entrance — a gaping hole instead of a small blue door. Shards of glass littered the floor, the formerly cozy, cramped hall was a real mess, the furniture was riddled with gunshots. Even the old tabletop radio was now on the floor, shattered to pieces.
“Stop right there!” a panting policeman grabbed him by the scruff of the neck. “What the hell are you doing breaking into a crime scene?”
“I… uh…” in his panic Rocky couldn't think straight, but nonetheless he blurted out: “I'm from a newspaper. Wanted to visit the crime scene myself.”
“A lousy reporter you are, then. Your buddies sniffed everything around here a long time ago.”
“I was just hired today and immediately assigned to this very intriguing case. So…”
“There's nothing intriguing about it. This Bianchi guy…”
“Who?”
“The renter, Augusto Bianchi, if that's his real name at all, apparently had a huge debt to pay someone. And for that, he got pinned down. There was a scuffle in the night, at least four assailants. The two guys we found here have a couple priors, but they're not in a condition to tell us who hired them. The amount of such cold cases we have…” the man hummed and passed his hand above his head. “We've already explained it all to your fellow scribblers this morning. And I highly doubt the landlord would want to tell the same story tenth times over to another newspaper weasel. The only thing he's interested in right now is getting money from the insurance company.”
“And the girl?”
“What girl?”
“The waitress. Who worked here. What about her?”
“Considering how much blood there is, they're probably both either in a ditch, scattered in pieces, or feeding fishes somewhere at the bottom of the Mississippi… both father and daughter, if you meant her,” boredly remarked the other officer, who had quietly approached them, lighting a cigarette. “There's nothing for you to do here, boy. Henry's right — there's absolutely nothing of interest in this case. People might have chattered about it in the morning, but the very next day they'll forget all about it. Go home, don't add to our workload. And quit the paper that sent you here. If your editor doesn't realize that news like this must be broken in the heat of the moment, believe me, their business will burn out faster than a short match.”
Rocky tried to get anything else out of them, at least a little bit, to look in the kitchen of the eatery, to slip upstairs to Mau’s and Augusto's apartment, but the policemen were adamant. On unsteady legs he made it to the nearest bench and collapsed on it, staring blankly into the dark November sky. He could have screamed, could have destroyed everything around him on a single painful impulse, but the emptiness that engulfed him was far more frightening.
His silence was more frightening.
Years would pass. Would flow, as before, from night to night. The world won’t notice his loss. The world won't notice any loss at all. In the place of his beloved swallow house, other birds will build a nest. Freckle and Ivy will eventually stop opening that wound with their questions. And one day, perhaps, he will stop gazing into the crowd, hoping to find among the unfamiliar faces the features dear to his heart, and stop flinching when he hears someone say amore mio. He knows how it happens — it was not the first time. All he has to do is smile and everything will work out. It'll wear off, getting back to the way it was. One day.
But the bouquet of chrysanths will still remain rotting on the cold ground.
#this ficlet was written in july and was supposed to become an announcement of a pause (or more like a full stop) to my fandom activities#because i was feeling sad and insecure for a long while about my own arts & texts (still are sometimes) and wanted to take a break#i planned to finish all the ideas & asks i had left; post this and go but i failed the task; the 'finishing' period stretched too much haha#and due to some recent events and a very meaningful talk i had with my best friend tonight i feel that this ficlet is not relevant anymore#it was posted on ao3 and ficbook in july but now i want to post it here anyway just to be here (for the history so to say)#and as a reminder that i almost allowed myself to abandon what brings me so much joy because of insecurities and overthinking#or maybe even if some of these 'overthinking voices' speak truth i'll try to find inner strength to be indifferent now (at least learn to)#anyway thank you for being here with me and supporting me fellas#you don't know how much all your support means and how grateful i'll always be for your care#heldig writings#lackadaisy#romaunce#maura venza oc#maura venza#rocky rickaby#lackadaisy rocky#rocky lackadaisy#ivy pepper#calvin mcmurray#calvin freckle mcmurray#augusto venza oc#augusto venza#lackadaisy oc#lackadaisy ocs#lackadaisyoc#lackadaisyocs#lackadaisy fanfiction
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tbh im a little more worried about the sheer number of people ive seen who just straight up don't know who cain and abel are 😭 im not even christian but i always figured that was one part of bible lore that's common knowledge??
id expect people to not know who seth is- adam and eve's third child who was born specifically as a gift from god, to replace abel after he died and cain was banished. i get that, bc he's not the one with the important symbolic story like his parents and brothers. but come on guys. cain and abel are everywhere.
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you know tbh I'll be very real with you I know more about cain and abel from the internet than I do as a raised catholic LMAO but idk if that's because I just barely paid attention or retained info from catechism/religious classes or if it's because they just focused on the new testament more
also told an irl friend who was also raised catholic about the hazbin abel reveal and they asked me who abel was so I don't think at least for us being raised with christianity helped us with that knowledge LMAO but yeah I think being on the internet enough most would at least have heard of them
#ask#osrs.txt#it's hard to be interested when you're forced to learn you know#maybe slightly off topic but I posted something today so I might as well tackle something from my inbox#I have like 3 or more recent-but-also-not-so-recent-because-I-left-them-for-so-long one-sided radiostatic asks in my inbox too#that I'm just wondering if I should just post without giving much of a response for the purpose of just having them be posted#because I overthink my responses too much and delay it as a result#also yeah sorry I haven't talked about my literal blog topic in a while there just hasn't been much new material LMAO#and some asks I get do kinda just cover stuff I already talked about months ago#(WHICH IS NOT TO DISCOURAGE ASKS BTW keep asking anything whatever. I'll get to them if I feel like it. I don't even really mind repeating#I'm just busy and tired sometimes LMAO. I'm perfectly fine repeating if I have the time and energy)
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