#One thing ze said was that ze is not a woman- not really- but ze will always be a black woman…

[canichangemyblogname]

What the fuck even is gender?

[zecretsanta]

to: @ladylakebees 

from: @goggles-girl

Hello! Hope you enjoy this piece! This was my first ever ZE fic so please enjoy!

The Field siblings hosting a Christmas celebration with Junpei, Lotus, Seven, and Alice present. Christmas activity highlight: throwing darts at a board with Ace’s mugshot on it.

“Clover, don’t you think that’s enough tinsel?”

  Clover’s bright pink hair popped up from the box of Christmas decorations she had buried herself in.

  “Ugh, you’re such a Scrooge, Light. Tinsel is the best Christmas decoration. I want this tree to sparkle and shimmer!”

  “To the contrary,” Light said. “I’m sure that’s an admirable goal to have but I can’t help but wonder if you might have been more successful in that endeavor had you not started decorating the tree with only an hour to go before the party.”

  Clover let out a huff before silently sticking her tongue out at her brother.

  “Keep that up and a bird is going to make a nest on it,” Light said, not even bothering to turn his head in her direction.

  “Don’t you have a quiche or something to check on?!?” Clover asked, brushing glitter off of her sweater.

  “Indeed. I suppose I shall leave you too it.” Light carefully excused himself from the rocking chair he had been sitting in and made his way to the kitchen of the little townhouse the Field siblings shared.

Even having been around him for years, Clover was amazed at how self-sufficient her brother was. She regularly burned herself on pots and pans and had the scars to prove it, yet he was a perfect natural.

  Shaking her head, she turned back to the large Christmas tree in front of her. It was her first time decorating for the holiday as their parents didn’t really celebrate, but she was determined to make it a good time for all involved. She and Light had gone to a specialty store a week ago and bought two large boxes of tinsel, ornaments, lights, and customized stockings. This resulted in the apartment looking as if Santa himself had barfed all over it, but it didn’t matter to Clover.

  As she continued to place tinsel and ribbon around the tree, Clover got lost in thought making sure everything looked good-so much so that when a knock sounded at the door she nearly jumped a foot off the ground.

  “I’ll get it!” she yelled to her brother who was still tinkering around in the kitchen. She raced to the door and took a peak through the peephole. On the other side was the strange woman she and her companions had picked up on the side of the road in Nevada. Instead of the Egyptian costume she had once worn, here she appeared to be in a cozy grey keyhole sweater and a black skirt.

  Clover flung the door open. “Alice! You made it!”

  The dark-haired woman let out a soft giggle. “Why of course, I couldn’t miss the party of the year now, could I?”

  “Come in, come in!” Clover stepped to the side so Alice could enter. After closing the door behind her, she wrapped her in a big hug.

  “I hope I’m not too early,” Alice said. She set down what looked like a wax-sealed wine bottle down then hung her purse on the hook next to the door.

  “Not at all!” Light called from the kitchen.

  Alice picked up the wine bottle and moved in his direction.

  “Bonjour ma chérie! Comment vas-tu?” Light was particularly fond of Alice, not only because he felt she might be a good influence on his little sister but also because it gave him a chance to practice his French.

  “Je vais bien, et vous?” she responded, pressing her cheek to his and making a kiss sound.

  “Je vais très bien,” Light said, reciprocating the gesture.

  “This is a lovely place you two have. Seems you’ve done quite well for yourself,” Alice commented, making her way to the living room. 

  “Anything’s better than being followed around by those lame bodyguards. Such a nuisance. Pretty sure that one bald guy was a pervert too,” Clover huffed.

   “Well I’m glad things have worked out well for the both of you.” Alice smiled warmly. “Do you need any help with your tree?”

  “Yes! Help me decorate Alice!” Clover jumped up and ran over to the open box on the floor. “Take these!” She thrust a small box of pink and blue ornaments towards her friend excitedly.

  The two continued to work on the tree and chat while Light busied himself in the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, another knock sounded on the door, this one much deeper and heftier than when Alice had arrived.

  “Clover?” Light called.

  “Got it!” The girl yelled and ran for the door, nearly tripping over a string of ribbon spiraling down from the tree.

  As Clover glanced through the peephole, she saw a small cluster of people-a tall, broad man, a shorter, younger man about Clover’s age, a middle aged woman and two girls also around Clover’s age that looked similar to each other and also the older woman.

  “Hey guys! Merry Christmas!” Clover said as she threw the front door open.

  “Clover!” One of the young girls squealed and threw her arms around Clover’s neck. Ennea had cut her hair into a short angled bob recently and was wearing a gray beanie, black leggings and a red and gray flannel, seemingly going for comfort over festivity.

  “It’s so good to see you guys!” Clover said, moving on to the first girl’s twin and squeezing her tight. Nona had beautiful long black hair that was woven into an intricate braid with little red and green Christmas bells tied in to match her green silky dress and red sweater worn over the top of it, much more festive than her sister.

  “My, Clover, life seems to be treating you well,” Lotus, or Hazuki as she was more commonly known, took her turn to give Clover a hug before stepping into the townhome. Hazuki was wearing a teal dress with a white coat and black strappy pumps. It wasn’t terribly cold outside but Clover couldn’t help but wonder if the lady was chilled at all.

  “Even better now that you guys are here!” 

  Clover waved the big hulking man into the room. “Hey get in here ya big lug, you’re letting all the warm air out.”

  Once it was free of his large orange blazer, Seven’s big hand landed on Clover’s head and tousled her hair, much to her chagrin. “Good to see ya too, brat.”

  Finally all that was left outside was Junpei. He looked much more haggard than the last time Clover had seen him, with unkempt hair and dark circles under his eyes. It had taken a lot to get him to agree to come to the party, but seeing the dead look in his eyes she was more grateful than ever that Seven had basically threatened to kidnap him if he didn’t come on his own.

  “Hey Junpei.”

  “Hey Clover.”

  After a moment of hesitation, she pulled him into a hug. It was a careful, delicate embrace. She was afraid if she squeezed too hard he would break into pieces in her hands. The smell of alcohol on his warm breath told her that he was doing even worse than she had thought. But then again, she couldn’t blame him. She knew exactly what losing someone that mattered so much to you felt like, and frankly drinking away your sorrows was a lot tamer than what she could imagine herself doing if things went too far.

  “I’m really glad you could make it,” she said softly, receiving a faint squeeze from his arm in response.

  As she led Junpei back into the heart of the house, Light was setting down the enormous fruit platter Hazuki and her daughters had brought. Alice was talking to Ennea and Nona while Seven and Hazuki settled into the couch.

  “Junpei! What a delight to have you in our presence this fine Christmas Eve.” Light grinned at the dark haired man who had just arrived. If there was anything the Field siblings shared, it was their fondness for Junpei.

  “Hey Sn-Light,” Junpei said.

  Light’s face broke out into a lopsided grin that anyone who didn’t know him might assume meant he was being a smartass. “Please feel free to call me what feels comfortable to you.”

  “Thanks, man,” Junpei nodded at him. He then settled down onto a love seat, wrapping his black leather jacket closer around him.

  “Perfect timing everyone! Now that we’re all here, our food is ready. Please come eat your fill and enjoy a variety of cocktails and other drinks,” Light proudly announced to rest of the room.

  “Light, could you please change the music??” Clover pleaded with her brother as their guests began to fill their plates in the kitchen.

  “Why would that be? Do you not find Tchaikovsky a perfect accompaniment for a Christmas party?” Light asked with a quizzical expression on his face.

  “Classical music is so lame for any party. Besides, I think some more classic Christmas spirit vibes would help cheer Junpei up.”

  “Ah, I suppose you might be right. Fine, I will play something more cheerful.” Light disappeared into the other room before coming back with a new CD, which he promptly switched out in the player.

  As more mainstream Christmas carols began to play in the background, the guests began to settle back into their seats in the living room with full glasses and plates. While they ate, they each recounted where life had taken them in the months since the event that had brought them altogether. Hazuki had scored a great programming job that she was proud of, while Ennea had followed in her mother’s footsteps and was studying computer science in college. Nona announced that she was taking courses in criminal psychology, which perked Alice’s ears up. 

  The two of them continued a private conversation as Seven informed the rest of the group that he and Junpei had been investigating “some freaky cult” that had ties to Hongou, and therefore the Kurashikis. Seven seemed optimistic about their chances of not only crushing the potentially dangerous group but also finding the perpetrators of the second Nonary Game. Clover could tell though that Junpei was uncomfortable with this line of discussion, his knuckles turning white around the beer he was nursing.

  Apparently Light could tell as well without Clover needing to nudge him, because as soon as Seven was finished talking he stepped right in.

  “Speaking of Mr. Hongou, I took the liberty of planning an extra activity for the night. I thought it could bring some catharsis to our particular cast of characters. If you’ll follow me.” With that, Light stood up and began making his way to the back door.

  “What did you do??” Clover whispered, following close behind him.

  “Oh you will see,” Light dismissed her.

  As the group made their way into the small backyard that came with the town home, Light made his way over to a strange contraption that was facing the back wall. It was a vertical wooden square supported by two planks, one on each side connecting to another horizontal piece of wood attached to wheels at the ground. Light pulled it away from the wall and turned it to face the guests before opening the top piece of wood to reveal a dart board underneath-except this board was covered by something. As Light stepped out of the way, darts in hand, Clover let out a giggle.

  “Oh you didn’t.” Hazuki let out a shocked gasp but the look in her eyes was one of glee.

  “How did you even get that?” Nona asked.

  “It’s public record, just like all mug shots are,” Light smirked. Plastered on top of the dart board was the mug shot of Gentarou Hongou, taken just hours after the second Nonary Game participants made their way back to civilization and explained their story.

  “Now who would like to go first?” Light asked, extending his hand with the darts to the crowd.

  “Shit, don’t mind if I do,” Seven said. He grabbed a dart from Light’s hand, squinted his right eye, stuck out his tongue and let the dart fly. It was a decent throw but still only hit the edge of the paper.

  “Nice shot,” Alice said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

  “Hey lady, I’m just gettin’ warmed up. Think you could do better?”

  Without a word, Alice exchanged her eggnog for a dart and pushed the mountain of a man out of the way as best as she could. Clover watched as she straightened her posture and adjusted her arm. No one let out a breath for a few silent seconds, then Alice let the dart fly. It hit Hongou square in his mouth.

  “Lucky shot,” Seven muttered under his breath, walking away and downing the rest of his beer.

  “Damn Alice, didn’t know you were a darts champion,” Hazuki said.

  “What can I say, my line of work has some unexpected benefits. Never hurts to be a well-rounded person,” Alice smiled.

  “Who wants to go next?” Light asked, pulling the darts from the board.

  Ennea and Nona both began clamoring for the next dart, but Clover wasn’t paying them any mind. She took a glance at Junpei, who had cracked the first smile she had seen all evening. 

  “Hey,” Clover said, sidling up to him and taking the available seat on the concrete bench he had perched himself on.

  “Hey,” he said, not really looking at her.

  “Are you doing okay, Junpei?”

  A sigh. “Is that a trick question?”

  “You know what I mean, you jerk.”

  “Well, I’m not trapped in a sinking boat, or being axe-murdered or something so I guess in the grand scheme of things it could be worse.” Junpei took a swig of his beer as Ennea landed a dart on Hongou’s hair.

  “You’re telling me,” Clover forced a chuckle in an attempt to lighten the mood. It landed flat.

  “Thanks for the concern though.”

  “Hey.” It came out more forceful than intended, but it worked-he turned to face her. “It’s going to be okay. You’ll find her. And in the meantime, you have us. That’s worth something, right?” She could feel tears starting to well up but she forced her face to remain determined.

  Junpei’s face softened. “Yeah. That’s worth a lot of somethings.” She felt his hand find hers along the bench and give her a reassuring squeeze. 

  The two of them spent the rest of the night watching the others play darts, with Junpei eventually drifting off to sleep. He had rested his head on her shoulder, and she was scared to move lest she disturb the peaceful look that had finally found its way to his face. At some point Seven found a blanket and laid it over their shoulders, and Clover began to drift off to sleep too, her heart happy being surrounded by the ones she loved and the Christmas spirit.

[starberrywander]

New Pronoun Drop??? 🤯🤩❤️

*Infomercial voice* Are you tired of arguing about the singularity of "they"? Do you want to do away with unnecessarily gendered language and do whatever you want with your pronouns? Do you like linguistic chaos!? If so, I have the perrrfect product for you:

Pronouns 2.0!!!

--------

Ok clickbait titles and memes aside, as a Non-binary person who has been thinking about linguistics I have some suggestions for a new pronoun system in English. Idk if anyone else will even care about this idea but I like it so I'm gonna talk about it.

So this came to me while watching a tiktok about the singular “they”, so I think that’s a good place to start. The topic of the tiktok was how because of the increased use of the singular they as a personal pronoun, some sentences can be a little confusing and that to make up for that English will likely develop a new version of the plural “they”. A few of the comments were suggesting that we should use “tha’ll” but I personally think that “theys” sounds more natural. So that’s my first suggestion; lets replace the plural “They” with “theys.” Or if you’re in “tha’ll” camp use that and we can see which one will catch on first. It doesn’t really matter, I plan to be using “theys”, at least online.

The next part is a personal preference that I have loved since the second I first heard about it, which is the concept of clusivity. If you haven’t heard of it, clusivity is when a language has to separate words for us (including you) and us (not including you). I like this a lot. I dunno why. But while we’re revolutionizing pronouns I say let’s add clusivity to English because fuck it. We/us can continue to be the inclusive (including you) version, but let’s make the exclusive (not including you) version be wees/uz because why not. For example, currently if you said the sentence “we’re going out to eat, I reserved a table for us” you would have to use context clues to determine whether the speaker was including the person they were talking to in that dinner or, like, telling their roommate about a date they had planned with their partner. But with clusivity you could specify within that sentence that it is the second option by saying, “Wees are going out to eat, I reserved a table for uz.” It looks silly but I like it and also it gives some much needed love to Z. 

And finally, I suggest that we accept all the neopronouns. All of ‘em. Like, I know a lot of us (especially enbies) have already but I mean like officially. This is more like a language culture thing, but I think we should default to they/them until someone tells us their pronouns and then respect the hell out of whatever pronouns they choose/create for themselves. Additionally, I propose adding pronouns like a kind of honorifics system. Y’know like how you’d say “mr” or the wide variety of “mrs” types? Yeah what if we replace that with a person’s pronouns instead. Like instead of Mr Jones and Mrs Jones it could be like He Jones and She Jones. Or if they used neopronouns it could be something like Xe Jones. Plus if someone had the last name Mann and used he/him pronouns he would get to officially be He Mann, and I think that is peak pronoun. 

But also, like, you could use it for first names too. It would be a way to introduce yourself and your pronouns all in one sweep like “Hi I’m She Amber and this is my friend They Hannah” and boom, you’ve just communicated names and pronouns in the most efficient way in English ever. Plus, you’ve also solved the problem of gender neutral honorifics and the sucky patriarchal concept of denoting a woman’s marital status with honorifics.

Anyway, that was my proposal for updated English pronouns. I hope y’all liked it. I will now think of myself as Ze Starberry online because vibes.

[remember-the-hurt]

Putting the thread I wrote on Twitter on here so I can reblog it when Tedbecca is endgame💜

——————————————————

Why Tedbecca IS what the show has been setting up since the beginning:

- “what if I did get on there (Bantr) and I met my soulmate and it changed the whole course of my life?” // “this job you gave me has changed my life”

- REBECCA was (for a brief period of time) supposed to be at Ted’s door in 1x07 but the writers decided that their relationship should be protected and that a one night stand should never happen.

- The parallels in this ep were NOT needed. They could have shown Sassy at Ted’s door and here we go, Ze End. But they WANTED us to think it was Ted.

- Same thing for the cut in 2x05: both fake outs came at a moment when it would have been AWFUL for them to get together. Literally NO Tedbecca shipper wanted them together in S2, please no. Neither of them is ready, it would have been a horrible mess. The editors said that the philosophy in the editing room is “plant and pay off”: the fakeouts are here because Tedbecca IS happening. In writing, you don’t foreshadow things that won’t happen. And the writers ain’t the GoT writers, they’re not here for twists to trick the audience. The cut from Rebecca to Ted in 205 is absolutely criminal but if the writers really wanted to show a platonic relationship, they wouldn’t bother with these kinds of fakeouts: they just wouldn’t show anything that would as much as *imply* T/R could be romantic. But they do, because they want the audience to consider it, and it’s something we can go back to when they kiss. Like “oh yeah, they foreshadowed it TWICE, that’s right.

- The way they *see* each other better than everyone else ?? Rebecca was the only one to notice Ted wasn’t okay in 2x04 and 2x06, Ted arrived at the church right when she needed him... and that’s just 3 examples.

- The parallel scene in 2x10... they are LINKED by something that happened 30 years ago on the same day at the same time. When they didn’t know each other and were on different sides of the Atlantic. Both their lives changed this day: they both lost their fathers. They are SOULMATES. And no, not platonic soulmates, although they ARE just friends now. This is not what this is about here: if they wanted to show us platonic soulmates, they wouldn’t have kept them separate for most of S2. They would have shown them being ✨besties✨. They are NOT best friends. WHY this need for distance? Because they are connected in such a deep way that if they were left alone, they couldn’t hide. They would see right through each other.

- the way Rebecca reacts to seeing Ted in a suit in 104? Ma’am… why even show us that she finds him attractive if it won’t come back? It will come back.

- Ted looking like a kicked puppy after Rebecca leaves his office after the 211 truth bomb…

- They’re not ready for dating in S2: Jason said “if you have some things you need to work on, maybe going to the dating scene isn’t the best place to find it”. None of the relationships they started this season could last.

- We have PLENTY of m/f platonic friendships on the show: Ted/Keeley (which we thought was gonna turn romantic for a brief moment, remember? THAT’s a subverted trope here), Rebecca/Roy, Rebecca/Higgins, Rebecca/Beard... so the argument of “omg let a man and a woman be friends” just doesn’t stand. And anyway, the best romantic relationships start with friendship. It’s literally the most solid foundation you could ever find. You think they’re just gonna find love randomly offscreen? Sorry to tell you but that’s not how screenwriting works.

- Brett RTd this article and said it was “excellent”.

- One of the producers quoted this Tedbecca fancam with this... of ALL the “lightning” tweets??

- I love Rebecca with all my heart and I just know that she cannot and will not end up alone. She was in an abusive relationship for 12 years and I don’t believe for one second that the writers would not give her a romantic happy ending. She IS gonna find her lightning, this speech by Roy was not a throwaway moment. She’s been shown as longing for romance and partnership multiple times now. This woman won’t end up alone romantically, and if you think she should you understand neither the show not it’s character.

- Ted and Rebecca’s future partners simply have to be each other: can you imagine dating someone who said someone else was their soulmate? And this someone else saw them better than anyone else ? And this someone brought them homemade biscuits every day? And this someone looked exactly like their celebrity crush?

- Our beloved creator himself read this excellent thread and liked the winking gif😌

- thank you Anthony, thank you Han!

- the men Rebecca dated in S2 all add up to Ted: John is age appropriate and “not shy”, Luca is handsome, and Sam is kind. And they’re all nice to her. Who in the show is age appropriate, handsome, kind, not shy, and nice to her? Ted, Bingo el ringo!

- Finally, the Higginses, who Jeremy said are intentionally the model couple of the show, are paralleled to Tedbecca multiple times.

Ted: “You and the missus, y’all have been together a while yeah?”

Higgins: “28 years” (105)

vs

Higgins, to Rebecca : “I’ve been married to her for 29 years” (205)

Higgins to Ted: “When you’re with the right person, even the hard times are easy” (105)

vs

Higgins to Rebecca: “I suppose the best brand is just… being yourself” (205)

In 301, Rebecca mentioned Ted spitting water all over her face with Higgins right there.

Higgins, who met his wife after he spilt his beer all over himself. Enough said!

- I’ll let Brett have the last word:

Interviewer (around S1) : “I never thought that they could be together”

Brett: becomes this emoji😬

[timeskip]

Satoru asking Yuni if he's a clone, unaware that Kokoro will ask Yuni the same thing later and accidentally confusing Kokoro into thinking that Yuni of SPHIA can remember what happened at the cabin when that's clearly NOT the case... It's really fascinating, and I'm enjoying it a lot.

Theories under the cut

I'm pretty sure that the Yuni of SPHIA will go on to be the Yuni of the cabin, but as for who the Yuni of SPHIA is... An alternate timeline Yuni, maybe? Which would also explain the bodies being discovered in the avalanche even in the timeline where they (except Yomogi, RIP (?)) were transported to the beach instead. Timelines are merging, or... something like that. It's confusing, because clearly Yuni just suddenly appeared at SPHIA, so he's probably supernatural in some way shape or form.

I mean, obviously Yuni is caught up in the exchange phenomenon SOMEHOW, but. Honestly who knows. I need more info to understand it I think.

As for Satoru, my theory is that he's probably a clone of the original Satoru, and the memories were transferred into him, since they brought up memory transfer earlier. I'm. really really not sure about that though. I do think he's a clone mostly because I'm like 95% certain that one of the characters is a clone (due to them BRINGING UP CLONES REALLY EARLY ON???) (also the fact that in an Uchikoshi Q&A I read earlier he said his pre-ZE works sometimes had clones) (it just makes sense to me) and I think it's easy for my to cross off most characters as being clones (Utsumi and Yomogi have a past together, Kokoro seems to be the normal girl thrown into all this, Mayuzumi has a past with Satoru (or rather, the original Satoru, if this theory is right?), Yuni has actively denied being a clone and it seems like the obvious red herring) so that leaves Satoru and Hotori.

With Satoru's memory issues I think he's more likely, and Hotori......... honestly, I'm not sure what I think about her right now. She HAS an implied past regarding Inubushi Keiko, and the (assumed) abuse that she went through that caused her DID and BPD. I assume we'll learn more about that in the future, and it's POSSIBLE it'll end up leaning into the idea of her having a clone or being a clone. She's also started talking in the Satoru side which is ??? idk what to think about that. I don't get it.

Anyways, I had the sudden realization that Satoru and Yuni look VERY similar. Almost the same hair color. Definitely the same eye color.

I feel like it's unlikely that Yuni is a clone of Satoru, but I feel like their character designs miiiight be too similar to be a coincidence. I don't know the character designer, but I'd have assumed that they'd design two major characters like Yuni and Satoru to look much more different. UNLESS. THEY'RE RELATED SOMEHOW. IN A WEB OF CLONES AND POSSIBLY BLOOD RELATIVES TOO!!!

As a note: the woman Kokoro found dead in the snow near the end of her chapter looked to have a similar hair color. Coincidence? Probably, tbh.

I mean... Kokoro and Mayuzumi have similar hair colors, but I'm not theorizing that they're secretly related. So I might be overthinking the Satoru/Yuni thing... But with my belief that Satoru has a high chance of being a clone, and Uchikoshi's known tendency to make characters related to each other unbeknownst to them.............. Stares at them.

[scarywary]

But What Am I? pt. 4 cont.

Gender (the final part)

slight TW: old self-hating gender opinions

Last year, my partner at the time who identified as nonbinary was talking to me about gender affirming surgery. I don't remember exactly how the conversation started, but the main points were that they struggled a bit with it because they didn't believe that it was a requirement for anyone and completely irrelevant. But that was also hard for them because of the dysphoria they felt about their chest and their consideration of/desire for top surgery. In response I told them my own feelings on the matter.

I too do not believe that a person's body has anything to do with their gender or what makes them them. If someone wants to have surgery to make them feel more themself or more comfortable then they should have it. I also let them in on my feelings towards my own gender. I told them that I was a woman, sure, but that I have long felt that whatever I feel or say it is IS what being a woman is because I say so and it's my personal identity regardless of how others define it for themselves.

Recently I realized the word "woman" doesn't feel like it fits me. It never really has but it was the closest thing I had to who I am. It made me feel weird and wrong when applied to me. When I was 23, I first heard of people using the pronouns "they/them." It had begun to enter into the mainstream and someone mentioned it to me at work. WARNING: MY REACTIONS AND TAKES ON THIS WERE BIZARRE, UNEDUCATED, INCORRECT, and frankly nonsensical and I now realize subconsciously jealous. I had learned of people using "ze/zim" pronouns and what that meant when I was 21. It made complete since to me and those were whole new words and I thought it was brilliant.

People using they/them pronouns felt kind of fucked to me though. Again this is bizarre, but my first thought was that these were people using plural pronouns to belittle, discredit, and insult trans people. I was fucking FURIOUS at that idea. And then I looked into it more, saw that this wasn't an attack on the trans community it was like the ze/zim pronouns I had heard of before and been immediately accepting and supportive of. But then I drunkenly and a bit angrily told my boss at the time that I could never be with someone that used they/them pronouns. We couldn't have kids together -- what would our kids call them? I was speaking disgusting, uninformed, jealous nonsense. I am still ashamed when remembering how I spoke in this moment. I think about it and shudder and groan at the memory of how hateful, stupid, and contradictory my words were. She asked me why this was important to me and why it bothered me. I struggled to put words to my feelings and frustration.

"Gender doesn't mean anything or matter -- we all just pick one and it's whatever we say it means to us individually!"

The day after this discussion, I started looking into it more. I searched and read what I could find online. I learned how small and closed-minded I had been. I saw that this was simply new verbiage to me and saw that, as I already knew and said had before -- our genders are what we say, what we feel we are, who we know we are despite what we were assigned at birth. Some people are both. Some people are neither. The list of identities are vast and beautiful. I didn't know why I had become so muddled in that moment when I had accepted it before. What the fuck was my deal? My deal was that I had had to choose a box and been stuck inside of it. I wasn't free like them. I didn't know that was why at that time. But I did know I had been wrong.

When I would introduce myself to people at work, I would ask each new person what pronouns they would like me to use. When they then asked me, I would say pronouns didn't matter to me. After awhile though I began to worry that that could feel invalidating to people. So I would simply say "she/her". It never felt quite right though. People using those pronouns for me didn't make me feel bad, but boxing myself in to only feminine pronouns felt weird and wrong. It made me feel... for lack of a better word embarrassed and like something was missing.

So, where do I sit with my gender today? What the fuck am I?

Well, I'm basically nothing and also a bit everything. After reflecting, what I identify as is agender. I feel no pull in either direction, but I also feel like a little of both. I want and need no gender. I feel no gender but also feel like any are applicable in some way even if it's just a tiny bit.

Because I often dress quite femininely -- wearing pretty dresses, dressing up like a fairy, and wearing what could be considered "feminine" makeup I had to be a women even if it didn't feel quite right. For anyone else I didn't think these expressions defined gender -- but for me it did. I wasn't deserving of anything else. I would be trying to somehow take something from trans and nonbinary people. Stupidity and self-hatred are the words for all of that.

Through therapy I have learned to love myself more -- not fully, not perfectly, and not all the time, but more. After accepting this and myself I realized that I CAN be neither. It is ok for me to identify as agender because that's who I am. It means nothing that I often dress femininely. It is ok that I like to wear things that show off my breasts some days. It's ok that on other days I prefer wearing my favorite sports bra that flattens my boobs more and feel and dress more masculine. It's ok that I like all pronouns when applied to me and get especially pleased when referred to in masculine pronouns and terms because it almost never happens and I like them too. None of these things tip or even create a scale that changes who I am and how I identify.

I have focused so much on the “not feeling womanly” side of things in these posts. I suppose that’s because that is the gender I was assigned so it’s the one I am separating from. It’s the one you would assume so it’s the one I want to draw a more clear line through. Feeling like my gender wasn’t quite right just resulted in me deciding gender didn’t mean much and could mean a lot more than girly or boyish. Whatever it means to someone is what it is. I stopped thinking that I wanted to be a boy when I was 8 or 9. I didn’t feel like a boy — or a girl but never in a way that I found concerning. I was whatever and I didn’t feel all that concerned about it. I still don’t, even when spending all of this time looking into myself and going through these memories. I care about knowing who I am. And who I am is someone that doesn’t feel like they have a gender annnnnd so what? Nothing new, really. Nothing changes with me.

Agender is of course under the trans umbrella. I still struggle with feeling worthy of and a part of the trans community, but I do in theory know that I am. It is simply me. I feel glad to have actually sat down and recognized what feels right to me. Because I so rarely consider that. Because it feels like progress. It feels cozy. I finally feel I better understand who I am. And that's pretty fucking dope.

[jmeldog]

Wow thank you so much for that very detailed reply! That was such a fascinating read, I had no idea this was how the series is atm. I really thought that Win's middle school arc was done and Lost was the sequel, I wasn't aware at all that they're co-existing series. I was really worried and sad for the last few months that Win had the same terrible fate Shobu did so this is a bit of a relief for the time being.

So is this the same case for the anime as well? Both the middle school and Lost arcs have their separate anime adaptations at the same time as well? Win having these darkness powers seems really dark for the show considering the screenshots I've seen of certain eps, is the anime going to go down that route at all in your opinion?

No problem! Again, I am always happy to infodump. I can infodump about duema as much as anyone wants. Just ask me to elaborate on near anything and I very gladly shall.

Long story short for this ask:

Honestly. I have no clue what they’re gonna do with the mainline adaptation 😭 darkness and horrors aren’t new to duema at all, even when seasons seem silly. But they handle Win weirdly. They drag their feet a loooooot.

However, the door still seems open for it to continue with what the manga’s doing. Even though Nonno didn’t show up, the monster that messed with Win’s friend had a woman’s voice, and said it’d come back. So. Shrug. She could be related.

We have no clue when Duewin anime is actually coming back, it’s on hiatus. But the Duelost anime is coming to YouTube this fall. It’d be awesome if it wasn’t region locked, but my hopes aren’t high, per se. YouTube uploads of the TV airings have always been region locked, but an anime exclusively to YouTube could be different.? But again. Idk.

Now the ramblings… (i really really rambled a lot whoops……… but there’s a lot that goes into how I think about this series………….)

But yeah, it’s is kinda strange to have Duewin and Duelost running at the same time, but like I think I get why. Dai-sensei wrote a letter about why he wanted to make Duelost, and basically he wanted a story for all the adults who grew up playing duema who still make time for it throughout the struggles of adulthood. So in that sense, yeah I can see why they’re existing concurrently—one for kids and one for adults.

In regards to how Duewin and Duelost anime counterparts are going… I honestly wish I could say what’s going on.

We know for certain Duelost anime is getting an anime adaptation by JC Staff in fall this year. Seems like it’s gonna be uploaded on YouTube.

As for mainline Duewin anime………? I don’t think we know anything about when it’s coming back???

Afaik, we’re in a fucked up purgatory of

Duewin anime: hiatus

Duewin manga: currently monthly

Duelost anime: coming out in fall

Duelost manga: hiatus

So anyway, in regards to the statement

“Win having these darkness powers seems really dark for the show considering the screenshots I've seen of certain eps, is the anime going to go down that route at all in your opinion?”

My answer is… maybe…? I don’t think it’s too dark for duema at all…….With an incredibly large asterisk.

Yeah, duema’s absolutely goofy, but it also gets pretty fucked up too. So much so on both ends that I’d say the violent emotional whiplash is a feature of the series.

The powers that Win has—disintegrating living things—are pretty similar to the powers that a king of darkness character from a different era had. And that character literally killed the MC’s best friend, killed the best friend’s dad, killed tons of other bg randos, and tortured many with those powers. So. Eh yannow.

Here’s my friend, Ze-ro. From Joe era duema.

Here’s some kids getting tortured and killed by him (burning in flames, turning into sand)

And here’s Joe in the Minecraft parody ep.

But honestly, maybe they just don’t want their protags to look bad. In the manga, the previous protag, Joe, also had a breakdown, started using dark power, and killed the guy who killed his dad.

But um. Granted I haven’t seen all of the anime adaptation of this half of Joe era because I was warned that it sucked in comparison. . . But I went to watch the “you killed my dad” revenge match in the anime and Joe just did a magical girl transformation on him 😭 no murder.

Later Joe has a depression arc, and looks horrible and unwashed in the manga. While in the anime they kept him squeaky clean. Among many, many other changes that I’ll spare you the paragraphs about.

However, it’s not like the anime never adds things that are fucked up. They’ve done horrible things to my sanity. But I’m trying to prevent this essay from getting any longer, so for this section I digress…

The manga’s prolly always gonna be darker when it wants to be, because Dai-sensei is a visionary who’ll put his protags through whatever the hell kinda horrors he wants. Though it is generally because he believes in a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sorry for the but rambling about the prior seasons, but they all kinda play into what I expect from following duemas.

So anyway

They were building to Win snapping in duewin anime, but just kinda…? Pussied out??? Put it off??????? I guess????????????

Because they wrote the story so it could be cut off quite cleanly literally before Win snapped. It’s such a strange and slightly frustrating decision after they dragged their feet the entire 47 eps of the season. Like 🫠 I guess they can’t outpace the manga but… wagh who knows. Maybe it’s just one of those things that’s frustrating to have watched live, but if I were to binge it I wouldn’t be as annoyed. Maybe.

But what gets me tho is the anime even added some extra stuff to torment Win. The anime gave Win mommy issues + made him canonically atheist (really funny, btw) because his mom wouldn’t come back after leaving him no matter how much he prayed. But despite Jashin poking Win with it over and over, they didn’t do much with it in the season. (While the manga just never touches on how Win’s mom isn’t around)

But like I said at the very very beginning of this rambling.. yeah the door’s still technically open to follow the manga route.

So like I mentioned in a previous ask, in the manga Nonno messed with one of Win’s friends, Ugata. In the anime, it was just the monster that Nonno gave him. And a possessed mouse.? But in the anime the monster had a woman’s voice and said it’d come back, so………

But alsoooooo I really wonder how they’d get Win as pissed in the anime as he was in the manga 😭 he was so pissed off at her cuz he was fresh off finding out Ugata had been bullied in elementary school and was jealous of Win, and that Nonno had taken advantage of that. She’d gotten Ugata to destroy the school, attempt to kill Win, and hurt their other friend, and afterwards she was like “lol lmao whatevs why r you even so mad over something like this xD” while Ugata was still unconscious on the ground with tears staining his face, yannow? Like yeah they could always try to build the tension back up, but the moment was just really good.

(Also I’m 99% sure Ugata getting bullied in the past just wasn’t apart of his backstory in the anime. Weird.)

While the anime on the other hand had a really happy ending lmao. Everyone was around Ugata welcoming him back to being normal.

The difference in Win’s vibes between getting Ugata back to normal in the anime vs manga is well…. Well it’s pretty dang noticeable, alright!

Like obviously if they want to continue Win era they have to go somewhere with Win being a king of darkness, but if they’re being so deliberate with dragging it out I really wonder what they’re gonna do.

There’s a lot more I could get into over studio changes, amount of volumes being adapted per season, and shit like that but um I think I’ll cut myself off here. I rambled enough.

I think I lost the point of what I was talking about a while ago. Whoops.

This is like all speculation. thanks for reading I’m not proofing this anymore 👍

Fun fact this hiatus after Duewin anime is the first hiatus in the history of the show. Which tbh I’m happy they’re having a break, because the animation industry is hell and adapting an ongoing manga for 20+ years seems insane.

[mistress-chan]

1095 Days Into My Life

Unfortunately I have not written as many actual blog posts as I would like, mainly keeping up with my #WeebWednedsay and other random fandom things. But today is a little different, today is three years into my life, my true life, a life I never thought I would live. Before I continue I will say this might get a bit deep, a bit personal, has trigger warning for mental health issues, and a lot of gay. If you have issues with anything lgbtqia+ or are a TERF please kindly fuck off. Good, now that that is out of the way, welcome to my life.

Let’s wind the clock back three years, I hated my life and myself. My father used to say before anything you had to love yourself and at the time I loathed myself. I could put on a mask to go to work, I would don a black duster to be who I thought was my true self, but I still hated who I was. I just thought it was part of having bi-polar disorder and depression, the feeling of always being on the razor’s edge of suicide just trying never to actually take an actual razor in hand. I will say I never committed any acts of self-harm which mainly one reason I never tried was out of spite for others. But now, I truly can say I love myself. How did that happen?

We need to go back a bit longer to see the start of this, that wonderful time of SARS-CoV-2 aka COVID-19. I at the time was working full time at home so the world shutting down around me did not cause me to have to drastically change what I already was not doing (being social), but during this time I did some reflection and saw that yeah I really did not like myself and needed to change it. And here is where my love of Utena just predicts things. I present to you THE EGG SPEECH:

If the egg's shell does not break, the chick will die without being born. We are the chick; the egg is the world. If the world's shell does not break, we will die without being born. Break the world's shell! For the sake of revolutionizing the world!

Now in the anime the egg is a whole different thing but in the lgbtqia+ community being an egg means you are trans but do not know it yet. You have your egg cracked when you figure out that yeah you might be trans. Which I kept saying for me never happened because for the longest time I said I was gender fluid and for a while used Ze/Zir pronouns but that has changed. See for a while I would do what in the convention world is known as CrossPlay, which is to cosplay a character that is a different gender than yours and well looking back I am surprised that it took this look to figure out that yeah I am girl.

Anyway, going back to why today matters, I decided to go talk to someone about what options I have for transing my gender and found a wonderful doctor who went over everything and prescribed the first dose of estrogen that I took on Jan 30th and damn did my body like what it got. I dropped the Ze/Zir to She/Her and started to go out full time as the woman I am now. 

Another thing that happened that day that I also see as a major sign that this was the right choice (besides my health being better, that I take after my mother and grandmother, and well not hating my life), was a person on YouTube that I liked so much I give them money on Patreon and here is the video:

Identity: A Trans Coming Out Story | Philosophy Tube ★

So thank you Abigail Thorn for being there for me in a very weird way. And I just found out she has a Tumblr account so yeah check here out here: theabigailthorn.tumblr.com

I am not going to say everything has been easy, I got fired from my job at the time for being trans, I have had the governor of the state I live in want me dead, I lost a favorite books series that I connected with because the author also seems to want me dead, and I am now the scariest thing to a conservative white male, transgender.

But honestly things have gone better than I expected. My family has taken it rather well, even those who I thought would not be as open to it have started to be more comfortable about it. The con I help with well they already had me wearing a lolita outfit all weekend so that was no big deal. My friends are still my friends and really that is all I can ask. I can say that I finally no longer feel weird saying that I am a lesbian and now I can be gay and do crimes. 

So for all those that think being trans is bad or harming others, or any of the other bullshit, please again go fuck yourselves, with a rusty spike. I am living my best life and I am finally able to look into a mirror and say I love the person I see and am glad that there are others that love that person as well.

Now back to your regularly scheduled whatever else I seem to do here.

-M

[wri0thesley]

how did you realise you were non binary 🥺

i've actually explored a lot of different gender identities! for several years i really just. thought i was a boy. for me personally - everybody is different! - i am . . . just not comfortable in my body. i do not feel like a Man. i do not feel like a Woman. my shell/body/whatever feels absolutely separate from me (and certain parts of me are horribly dysphoria inducing. but not in a [i should have this] way, in a [this should not be here] way. i have said several times my ideal body is like . . . magnetic. i could take parts off at will. i could build myself)!

but yeah. for a few years i exclusively went by he/him and Masculine existence, but that didnt work for me either. it just didnt feel like me. i used 'gender fluid' as a descriptor and went by ze/zir - because i thought my feelings about switching out whether i preferred being good girl or good boy or good whatever might mean that - but all in all i just kind of. feel outside of all that.

gender is a construct. i don't believe in 'you say you are one thing and you are that forever'. people discover things about themselves all of the time! if you feel like you might not align with the gender you were assigned, try the new pronouns, think about yourself, ask your friends to think of you outside of that! you might just fit in with it better. or you might feel wrong there and go back to the gender you were assigned. it's fine to do that!

[thewriterofmanythings]

Abiding at the Fields

The Field siblings hosting a Christmas celebration with some visitors. Written for ladylakebees on Tumblr for the 2023 ZE Secret Santa. Read also on A03 here.

“Clover, don’t you think that’s enough tinsel?”

Clover’s bright pink hair popped up from the box of Christmas decorations she had buried herself in.

“Ugh, you’re such a Scrooge, Light. Tinsel is the best Christmas decoration. I want this tree to sparkle and shimmer!”

“To the contrary,” Light said. “I’m sure that’s an admirable goal to have but I can’t help but wonder if you might have been more successful in that endeavor had you not started decorating the tree with only an hour to go before the party.”

Clover let out a huff before silently sticking her tongue out at her brother.

“Keep that up and a bird is going to make a nest on it,” Light said, not even bothering to turn his head in her direction.

“Don’t you have a quiche or something to check on?!?” Clover asked, brushing glitter off of her sweater.

“Indeed. I suppose I shall leave you too it.” Light carefully excused himself from the rocking chair he had been sitting in and made his way to the kitchen of the little townhouse the Field siblings shared.

Even having been around him for years, Clover was amazed at how self-sufficient her brother was. She regularly burned herself on pots and pans and had the scars to prove it, yet he was a perfect natural.

Shaking her head, she turned back to the large Christmas tree in front of her. It was her first time decorating for the holiday as their parents didn’t really celebrate, but she was determined to make it a good time for all involved. She and Light had gone to a specialty store a week ago and bought two large boxes of tinsel, ornaments, lights, and customized stockings. This resulted in the apartment looking as if Santa himself had barfed all over it, but it didn’t matter to Clover.

As she continued to place tinsel and ribbon around the tree, Clover got lost in thought making sure everything looked good-so much so that when a knock sounded at the door she nearly jumped a foot off the ground.

“I’ll get it!” she yelled to her brother who was still tinkering around in the kitchen. She raced to the door and took a peak through the peephole. On the other side was the strange woman she and her companions had picked up on the side of the road in Nevada. Instead of the Egyptian costume she had once worn, here she appeared to be in a cozy grey keyhole sweater and a black skirt.

Clover flung the door open. “Alice! You made it!”

The dark-haired woman let out a soft giggle. “Why of course, I couldn’t miss the party of the year now, could I?”

“Come in, come in!” Clover stepped to the side so Alice could enter. After closing the door behind her, she wrapped her in a big hug.

“I hope I’m not too early,” Alice said. She set down what looked like a wax-sealed wine bottle down then hung her purse on the hook next to the door.

“Not at all!” Light called from the kitchen.

Alice picked up the wine bottle and moved in his direction.

“Bonjour ma chérie! Comment vas-tu?” Light was particularly fond of Alice, not only because he felt she might be a good influence on his little sister but also because it gave him a chance to practice his French.

“Je vais bien, et vous?” she responded, pressing her cheek to his and making a kiss sound.

“Je vais très bien,” Light said, reciprocating the gesture.

“This is a lovely place you two have. Seems you’ve done quite well for yourself,” Alice commented, making her way to the living room.

“Anything’s better than being followed around by those lame bodyguards. Such a nuisance. Pretty sure that one bald guy was a pervert too,” Clover huffed.

“Well I’m glad things have worked out well for the both of you.” Alice smiled warmly. “Do you need any help with your tree?”

“Yes! Help me decorate Alice!” Clover jumped up and ran over to the open box on the floor. “Take these!” She thrust a small box of pink and blue ornaments towards her friend excitedly.

The two continued to work on the tree and chat while Light busied himself in the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, another knock sounded on the door, this one much deeper and heftier than when Alice had arrived.

“Clover?” Light called.

“Got it!” The girl yelled and ran for the door, nearly tripping over a string of ribbon spiraling down from the tree.

As Clover glanced through the peephole, she saw a small cluster of people-a tall, broad man, a shorter, younger man about Clover’s age, a middle aged woman and two girls also around Clover’s age that looked similar to each other and also the older woman.

“Hey guys! Merry Christmas!” Clover said as she threw the front door open.

“Clover!” One of the young girls squealed and threw her arms around Clover’s neck. Ennea had cut her hair into a short angled bob recently and was wearing a gray beanie, black leggings and a red and gray flannel, seemingly going for comfort over festivity.

“It’s so good to see you guys!” Clover said, moving on to the first girl’s twin and squeezing her tight. Nona had beautiful long black hair that was woven into an intricate braid with little red and green Christmas bells tied in to match her green silky dress and red sweater worn over the top of it, much more festive than her sister.

“My, Clover, life seems to be treating you well,” Lotus, or Hazuki as she was more commonly known, took her turn to give Clover a hug before stepping into the townhome. Hazuki was wearing a teal dress with a white coat and black strappy pumps. It wasn’t terribly cold outside but Clover couldn’t help but wonder if the lady was chilled at all.

“Even better now that you guys are here!”

Clover waved the big hulking man into the room. “Hey get in here ya big lug, you’re letting all the warm air out.”

Once it was free of his large orange blazer, Seven’s big hand landed on Clover’s head and tousled her hair, much to her chagrin. “Good to see ya too, brat.”

Finally all that was left outside was Junpei. He looked much more haggard than the last time Clover had seen him, with unkempt hair and dark circles under his eyes. It had taken a lot to get him to agree to come to the party, but seeing the dead look in his eyes she was more grateful than ever that Seven had basically threatened to kidnap him if he didn’t come on his own.

“Hey Junpei.”

“Hey Clover.”

After a moment of hesitation, she pulled him into a hug. It was a careful, delicate embrace. She was afraid if she squeezed too hard he would break into pieces in her hands. The smell of alcohol on his warm breath told her that he was doing even worse than she had thought. But then again, she couldn’t blame him. She knew exactly what losing someone that mattered so much to you felt like, and frankly drinking away your sorrows was a lot tamer than what she could imagine herself doing if things went too far.

“I’m really glad you could make it,” she said softly, receiving a faint squeeze from his arm in response.

As she led Junpei back into the heart of the house, Light was setting down the enormous fruit platter Hazuki and her daughters had brought. Alice was talking to Ennea and Nona while Seven and Hazuki settled into the couch.

“Junpei! What a delight to have you in our presence this fine Christmas Eve.” Light grinned at the dark haired man who had just arrived. If there was anything the Field siblings shared, it was their fondness for Junpei.

“Hey Sn-Light,” Junpei said.

Light’s face broke out into a lopsided grin that anyone who didn’t know him might assume meant he was being a smartass. “Please feel free to call me what feels comfortable to you.”

“Thanks, man,” Junpei nodded at him. He then settled down onto a love seat, wrapping his black leather jacket closer around him.

“Perfect timing everyone! Now that we’re all here, our food is ready. Please come eat your fill and enjoy a variety of cocktails and other drinks,” Light proudly announced to rest of the room.

“Light, could you please change the music??” Clover pleaded with her brother as their guests began to fill their plates in the kitchen.

“Why would that be? Do you not find Tchaikovsky a perfect accompaniment for a Christmas party?” Light asked with a quizzical expression on his face.

“Classical music is so lame for any party. Besides, I think some more classic Christmas spirit vibes would help cheer Junpei up.”

“Ah, I suppose you might be right. Fine, I will play something more cheerful.” Light disappeared into the other room before coming back with a new CD, which he promptly switched out in the player.

As more mainstream Christmas carols began to play in the background, the guests began to settle back into their seats in the living room with full glasses and plates. While they ate, they each recounted where life had taken them in the months since the event that had brought them altogether. Hazuki had scored a great programming job that she was proud of, while Ennea had followed in her mother’s footsteps and was studying computer science in college. Nona announced that she was taking courses in criminal psychology, which perked Alice’s ears up.

The two of them continued a private conversation as Seven informed the rest of the group that he and Junpei had been investigating “some freaky cult” that had ties to Hongou, and therefore the Kurashikis. Seven seemed optimistic about their chances of not only crushing the potentially dangerous group but also finding the perpetrators of the second Nonary Game. Clover could tell though that Junpei was uncomfortable with this line of discussion, his knuckles turning white around the beer he was nursing.

Apparently Light could tell as well without Clover needing to nudge him, because as soon as Seven was finished talking he stepped right in.

“Speaking of Mr. Hongou, I took the liberty of planning an extra activity for the night. I thought it could bring some catharsis to our particular cast of characters. If you’ll follow me.” With that, Light stood up and began making his way to the back door.

“What did you do??” Clover whispered, following close behind him.

“Oh you will see,” Light dismissed her.

As the group made their way into the small backyard that came with the town home, Light made his way over to a strange contraption that was facing the back wall. It was a vertical wooden square supported by two planks, one on each side connecting to another horizontal piece of wood attached to wheels at the ground. Light pulled it away from the wall and turned it to face the guests before opening the top piece of wood to reveal a dart board underneath-except this board was covered by something. As Light stepped out of the way, darts in hand, Clover let out a giggle.

“Oh you didn’t.” Hazuki let out a shocked gasp but the look in her eyes was one of glee.

“How did you even get that?” Nona asked.

“It’s public record, just like all mug shots are,” Light smirked. Plastered on top of the dart board was the mug shot of Gentarou Hongou, taken just hours after the second Nonary Game participants made their way back to civilization and explained their story.

“Now who would like to go first?” Light asked, extending his hand with the darts to the crowd.

“Shit, don’t mind if I do,” Seven said. He grabbed a dart from Light’s hand, squinted his right eye, stuck out his tongue and let the dart fly. It was a decent throw but still only hit the edge of the paper.

“Nice shot,” Alice said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Hey lady, I’m just gettin’ warmed up. Think you could do better?”

Without a word, Alice exchanged her eggnog for a dart and pushed the mountain of a man out of the way as best as she could. Clover watched as she straightened her posture and adjusted her arm. No one let out a breath for a few silent seconds, then Alice let the dart fly. It hit Hongou square in his mouth.

“Lucky shot,” Seven muttered under his breath, walking away and downing the rest of his beer.

“Damn Alice, didn’t know you were a darts champion,” Hazuki said.

“What can I say, my line of work has some unexpected benefits. Never hurts to be a well-rounded person,” Alice smiled.

“Who wants to go next?” Light asked, pulling the darts from the board.

Ennea and Nona both began clamoring for the next dart, but Clover wasn’t paying them any mind. She took a glance at Junpei, who had cracked the first smile she had seen all evening.

“Hey,” Clover said, sidling up to him and taking the available seat on the concrete bench he had perched himself on.

“Hey,” he said, not really looking at her.

“Are you doing okay, Junpei?”

A sigh. “Is that a trick question?”

“You know what I mean, you jerk.”

“Well, I’m not trapped in a sinking boat, or being axe-murdered or something so I guess in the grand scheme of things it could be worse.” Junpei took a swig of his beer as Ennea landed a dart on Hongou’s hair.

“You’re telling me,” Clover forced a chuckle in an attempt to lighten the mood. It landed flat.

“Thanks for the concern though.”

“Hey.” It came out more forceful than intended, but it worked-he turned to face her. “It’s going to be okay. You’ll find her. And in the meantime, you have us. That’s worth something, right?” She could feel tears starting to well up but she forced her face to remain determined.

Junpei’s face softened. “Yeah. That’s worth a lot of somethings.” She felt his hand find hers along the bench and give her a reassuring squeeze.

The two of them spent the rest of the night watching the others play darts, with Junpei eventually drifting off to sleep. He had rested his head on her shoulder, and she was scared to move lest she disturb the peaceful look that had finally found its way to his face. At some point Seven found a blanket and laid it over their shoulders, and Clover began to drift off to sleep too, her heart happy being surrounded by the ones she loved and the Christmas spirit.

[shipsgaysfordays]

Searching Once More--Attachment/Feelings/Fondness

Just a memory jog for you guys: Remus just ran out and left Lily, James, and Sirius in the shack. Sirius is left wondering what to do, the title of this chapter may indicate zer decision, idk *shrugs*

Warning, a lot of this chapter is dialogue, a LOT of dialogue, if feels like it's more than usual, idk. Be ready for the dropping of bombs, much drama, it's exciting.

I did use some microfic words: attachment, feelings, and fondness @wolfstarmicrofic

Though I do find it a bit iconic to call this a “microfic” by this point

Links to other chapters here

Reminder that Remus’ pronouns for this fic are they/them, Sirius’ are ze/zis/zer/zhe/zeir/zey. Also fuck JKR and the rhetoric that she spouts that’s transphobic, homophobic, racist, antisemetic, and if I’m forgetting anything else then I’m deeply sorry. And: don’t buy the game, you guys know what I’m referring to, don’t buy it.

Okay onto the fic after that whole sh-peel

Zeir eyes couldn’t leave that torn apart moldy wooden door, zeir thoughts couldn’t leave the person who just ran out of it. 

“I ruined things, again,” Sirius thought the sound was only in zis mind, zer voice and mouth moving was barely noticeable anymore, nothing could distract zer from that door and those thoughts about zer love. My love?…are–is that my–is Moony my love?

“Padfoot,” James put a hand on zis shoulder, “you better not be blaming yourself for this.”

“But I–”

“You did your best, Mary did her best, and…sometimes even our best still can’t work. It takes some time, Moony’s trying, I think they really are, just because they are having a hard time it doesn’t mean that you’ve ruined things.” 

Lily paced around, “If anyone’s to blame–”

“No,” James said, firmly, “if we’re blaming someone then it’s Dumbledore, that’s all. He’s the one who took away our whole lives.”

“We can go on our blaming spree later, but–do we go after Remus now?” Sirius turned around to ask. 

“It will take a while to catch up to them,” Lily responded.

“We have time.”

“We have a son,” Lily took a breath, “and a scared woman trying to babysit my boy.”

“I have time, you can go if you need to,” Sirius retorted. 

“Remus is still my friend–are they yours?” Lily slapped a hand to her mouth after the words came out. Are they? Merlin, are they? Why does this bitch have to point that out? It’s not like things are any better for her.

Before Sirius could say something zey would regret, James entered the conversation again with a stern look towards his wife, “Look, it’s still the night, Harry’s probably asleep, we still have some time to look for Remus. If we need to, we can go back home, all of us.” 

Lily sighed, the bags under her eyes clearer than ever, “Let’s go find Moony.”

….

Questions circled around zer head, as they walked, grass and sticks crunching in unison. The three of them walked like that for a while, Sirius leading the way since ze could track scent. Silence for a long time, until James asked that stupid question that he always needed to ask, “How are you feeling?”

“...I don’t know anymore,” Sirius responded. 

Lily held onto zer hand, “and that’s okay, emotions take time sometimes.”

James held zer other hand, swinging it around some. 

“Are you guys treating me like your son?” Sirius had to ask. 

“Maybe…” James responded, “gotta say you prepared me well for being a dad.”

“You’ve been a dad since the day you were born,” Sirius laughed. 

“No, that’s when Fleamont became a dad, I think you have your terminology mixed up buddy,” Lily joked.

Sirius laughed for a moment, but Remus was still there in zis brain. Still yelling, still staring, still threatening, still a young kid, still a 20 year old with crazed eyes, still in love with Sirius, still passionately hating Sirius. Everything all at once. Their whole timeline, pulled apart and stitched, memories piled onto each other like a game of jenga. 

Sirius coughed, “I just…I don’t know if I can love them anymore, I mean Moony tried to–that–that shouldn’t be forgiven, right?” 

Lily and James’ eyes met, some untold conversation between wife and husband.

“Then why are we looking for them?” James asked, again as though he was speaking to his son rather than his best friend.

“I need to know they’re okay, I need to make this better.”

“You can still love them…even if it’s complicated, even if it feels wrong to. Feelings aren’t logical very often,” Lily said.

“I want them back, but I’m scared I don’t want them as they are…I’m scared that we’re both too broken to fit together again. I don’t know if I can choose them again.”

“None of you guys are broken,” Lily looks to James as she continues her little speech, “none of you are smashed in pieces, you’re still you, we’ve just had things happen. Even if there are problems, we can be repaired. Fundamentally, none of you are broken…do I even make sense anymore? What time is it?”

“No idea,” James laughed. 

“You’d think you guys would be more prepared for lack of sleep given…the existence of Harry,” Sirius said.

“He’s 5 years old, he has a good sleep schedule now!”

“He gets up at the crack of dawn like his father,” Lily mutters.

Sirius pats her on the back, “Now you can experience the torture of James’ quidditch mates without the heights, flying, and exercise drills.”

“It wasn’t THAT bad,” James bit his lip, “plus at least there was the glory of victory!”

“At least when you were in quidditch there was a CONCEIVABLE END to your torment, I may have to deal with this torture for forever,” Lily groaned.

“You’d think by now you learned to live with it dear–”

“You’re the deer!” Sirius and Lily shouted in unison, like teenage manics in 20 something year old bodies.

“I really just strided into that one, didn’t I?”

“Yep,” Sirius grinned, enjoying this weird sense of nostalgia that was there, being with zis best friends again. Zey turned to Lily for a moment, “Prongs is right though, it’s been years by this point, what’s happened with you guys for all that time?”

Lily and James looked at each other and then immediately away, eyes staring at the trees they passed as though they were the most encapsulating sight that could ever be beheld. 

Lily coughed, “Not…not so much, raising a kid, trying to waste all this time we had.”

James let go of Sirius’ hand and went beside his wife, nudging her. 

“No,” Lily insisted on a random topic which Sirius now needs to know about.

“I’ll say if you say,” James whispers as though Sirius isn’t right. There.

“It feels as though there’s something you’re not saying, don’t know where I got that idea but it’s just creeping into my mind,” Sirius’ voice dripped with sarcasm, like a huge hole in the roof on a rainy night.

Lily took a deep breath, “Okay…a while ago, when Harry was like 3, we had been quite used to each other. It was just James, the baby, and I: all the time.”

James picked up from there, “And when you’re alone so often, you have the time to reflect…to think through your thoughts and feelings and realize certain things about yourself.”

“Don’t tell me you’re a tory,” Sirius gasped.

“Furthest thing from it,” James spoke quickly. 

“A communist?!?”

“Just let us get on with the conversation, Sirius, I thought you wanted to know,” Lily’s words shut Sirius up, immediately.

“One day I told Lily that we needed to talk about something.”

“And I told James we need to talk about something.”

“Both of us seemed to expect that the other had just discovered whatever the other was going through, some sort of marital mind reading or something, so we didn’t expect for us to say two very different things at the same time…are you ready Lily?” James looked at his wife, she nodded. 

“I’m aromantic.” 

“I’m a lesbian.”

The couple spoke in unison. 

Sirius’ eyebrows shot to the moon, eyes as wide as the moon, zey have a bit of an obsession with moon comparisons for some reason. Ze tried to speak, but…what do I say to that? What do I…I mean it’s always been Jily forever, what do I say to THAT? 

Sirius stared at zer friends, and put zer arms around them, “Thank you for telling me, for trusting me with that, do you want to talk about it more?”

“I mean…there’s not much to say on my part, do you wanna talk about her?” James teased Lily.

Like a dog hearing the word treat, Sirius started barking, “Who’s this her? Who is she?!? Merlin, Lily has a cruuuuuuush.”

Lily hid her blushing face in her hands, “You’re no better than how you were when we were in school.”

“If you really don’t want to talk about it…”Sirius started. 

“Mary,” Lily whispered. 

“What?”

“My wife said Mary,” James smiled. 

“Okay, okay…we’ll open that can of worms in one moment, but are you guys going to stay married? I mean you call each other husband and wife still–and Harry–HARRY!” Sirius’ eyes went wide. 

“I mean, we’ve still got to work some things out. At least it’s not some angry divorce drama, my wife’s a lesbian and I couldn’t be happier.”

“And, I mean, Harry seems to be a happy kid. If we get divorced he’ll still see us both and both of us will still be a big part of his life, we’ll still have the holidays together and love him and everything,” Lily said.

“Okay, now back to Mary, you like her?” Sirius asked.

“I…” Lily took a moment, contemplating what to say, “..if she asked to get back together, I would say yes. You’ve been around her the most recently: do you think she would ask?”

“Do you love her?”

“Do you love them?”

“There’s just this…attachment I have to them, these threads of feelings tied and knotted together and I can never let go even if it’s better for me to, because I can’t cut Moony off, even with all that’s happened and all that we both did, I need them too much. I love them too much.”

Lily nodded, “I have similar feelings of…..fondness for Mary.”

They let the leaves crunch for a little bit, the wind passing by. 

…

James took a deep breath, “Do you think things will ever get back to some sort of normal?”

“It never was normal, it was always crazy and pranks and jokes and wonder and pain and love, maybe things can get better, maybe they can’t. I won’t ever be the same, they won’t ever be the same,” Sirius looked to Lily, “Mary won’t be the same either, though she hides it much better.”

The three continued to walk, a silence overcoming them, maybe they’re just tired from the walk and the hours of sleep they’re not getting, maybe it’s the conversation. 

Eventually Sirius’ head perked up again, sniffing, zer lips curled for a moment. No matter how tired ze felt, zey couldn’t ignore this, zhe couldn’t just walk. Feet became paws. Nose became snout. Only one thought, Moony.

(Behind zem a deer is there now, with a woman riding the deer like a horse, Padfoot doesn’t notice this but I need this to be known as the author.)

[the-jam-to-the-unicorn]

The interview anon here. 😁

It was a super old interview (pre 2003 I think because they were talking about "the girlfriend" and not "the wife"). They talked about all kind of stuff - Vova talked about KVN, touring, things, also about a lot of very personal topics. When Ze had his first sexual experience (he said young and before Olena) and with how many girls he had sex in the past (not that many before olena but he had experience; joking that his parents better not hear and read that or he might get in trouble and they talked about that and in the end Vova said well, they know and they talked but they don't know every detail) (the interviewer also asked if the girlfriend had experience - as in if she's one of "those modern woman" - but Vova dodged that question and didn't answer it directly, just telling Olena being a modern woman in general and being a strong, independent person; the interviewer tried a few more times but Vova never really answered even though the undertone was that Olena had no or very little experience but he never said that directly) and how many girls he has kissed in his life so far (many but most of them were just kisses and nothing serious and joked that since many years he only kisses one girl and he's very happy with that and he kisses that girl a lot every day and they joked back and fourth about it if it doesn't get boring and vova was like naaah, still get butterflies every time and I hope she does too) and if he was ever interested in a fan (no) and if he or the guys do hook-ups while being on tour (also no) and if there is a "don't ask don't tell" thing whenever they go touring (basically if they're allowed to cheat) (again no). Also if he ever had sex in the tour bus, changing room, backstage and what was his craziest sex place in general (he didn't answer that and said he can't tell or he will get in trouble at home and just said it's not always the bed that he can say). And they also talked about "the girlfriend" and Vova was like he is super happy and found his dream girl hence why there is no reason to look for someone else and he would never cheat because he got the best one and there is no girl prettier or smarter or better than "the girlfriend" (Olena - if I remember correctly they never said her name just called her the girlfriend). And they were joking about well, if she is the one why you're not married yet, Volodymyr?! And he was like oh we will at some point but we take it slow because they're young and marriages cost money and they're not ready for children yet and they're happy like that but they totally are going to get married one day. And than the interviewer was like well don't you miss the girlfriend while being not at home?! And Vova was like oh yeah, I miss her like crazy and a lot and basically gushed about Olena a lot and said he can't sleep with her or sleeps badly (what he mentioned in other interviews too) and they phone each other every day and he sends her letters and postcards or whenever she can she's touring with them. And when they talked about the marriage thing the interviewer also asked about if they already have a "complete relationship" (I don't remember the exact term but he was basically asking if they already live together and have sex or are just dating and wait till marriage). And Ze was explaining their living situation and said yeah, everything else is existing besides us officially living together in our own flat and they interviewer kept asking about their sex life but Vova the Gentleman kept it vague and basically only said he's very happy and there is nothing to complain about and at some point was like the girlfriend knows how to make me happy wink wink wink. And the interviewer was like so she also has a wild side (Vova was talking earlier about how they complete each other - Olena's calm and shy personality and his energetic and outgoing one) and Vova said something like well she is an angel and a sweet and shy person but bedroom is always something else (and refused to comment more when the interviewer kept asking).

There was also more but I can't rememver right now. It was long. Haven't saved it, unfortunately, but if I ever find it again - I'll send the link!

Oooohhhhh, thanks for sending all that in!

Yes, please! Send it if you ever find it again! 😃

And no, in that case we were talking about different interviews. 🤗

[zaenight]

Crazy but she's mine ch6

"Illiana wake up or so help me!" Jackie yelled as the teen ran into the kitchen.

"Im up, im up!" Illiana said with her hands in the air.

Ez came into the kitchen hearing the yelling,Jackie grumbled curses at the man.

"Oh my god,oh my god!" Illiana exclaimed pointing outside,Angel had a pitbull walking besides him.

"Thats sally, I forgot to mention her,you two arn't allergic are you?" Ez asked.

"Nope!" Illiana exclaimed as she went outside kneeling leting Sally sniff her hand.

"Yo bro , I think she likes mini bishop more than you!" Angel exclaimed.

"Vete a la mierda viejo, te dije que no me llamaras así!" Illiana exclaimed in spanish.

(Fuck you old man , I told you not to fucking call me that!)

"no soy jodidamente viejo, maldito mocoso!" Angel said offended.

(im not fucking old  you damn brat)

The teen stuck her tounge out at the man as Jackie laughed from the doorway.

"verdomde kinderen man, ik moet van ze houden." Jackie laughed.

(fucking kids man , gotta love em)

"Dutch?" Ez questioned.

"yep!" Jackie chirped before flipping him off.

"Real mature." Ez laughed.

"Im not a mature person , also im still mad at you,fuck you,but thank you for this." Jackie said waving her hands around.

"My pleasure Camila." Ez said as She pushed him against the wall.

"The only time someone gets to call me that,is if Im fucking em', and im not fucking you am I?" Jackie said in his ear , a playful gleam in her eyes.

"Podríamos cambiar eso querida, podría mostrarte cosas que nadie más podría." Ez said with a smirk.

(we could change that dear, I could show you things no one else could)

"My eyes are burning,from just looking at you too!" Illiana said looking at them.

"Shut it!" Jackie said as Angel grabbed the water hose.

"Angel put the hose down !" Jackie yelled, only for her and Ez to get sprayed.

"Haha!" Illiana laughed untill 

she was also sprayed.

"Oh its on now old man!" The teen yelled lunging at him.

------------

"I think im in love." Illiana said , Her and Jackie decided to the library for the teen to get somewhat of an education.

"Go talk to her , you need human contact besides me and the gang of idiots." Jackie said pushing her towards her.

"Hi." the teen chirped quietly.

"Hi , you wanna sit?" The girl said with a smile.

"I-cool,I mean sure,I would love too." Illiana stammerd out as Jackie gave her thumbs up.

"Im Natalia kline, and you are?" The girl said pretending to ignore the fact that she could clearly see Jackie giving the nervouse teen pointers.

"Illiana Obispo, or Reyes, Im adopted." The girl blurted out quietly.

"Im assuming thats your Mom?" Natalia said pointing

at Jackie who was reading a book called 'how to kill a guy'.

"Yes , and based on the book she's reading, she's currently planning the demise of my sperm donor,my Adoptive dad,and probably my adoptive uncle. Illiana said.

"Crap! I have to go , it was cool meeting you,Here's my Number, call me !" Natalie winked.

---------------

"Your stealth game sucks!" Illiana exclaimed.

"Hey if it wasn't for me,you wouldn't have talked to her, therefore a thank you is in order!" Jackie exclaimed with a smirk.

"Thank you." The teen murmered , letting out a scream when she went into the kitchen.

"What!,whats-WHAT THE FUCK!?" Jackie yelled as The guys were in the kitchen , Angel getting a bullet taking out of his ass.

"oh mi maldito dios, estoy marcado de por vida!" Illiana said covering her eyes rushing to her room.

(oh my fucking god , im scarred for life)

"Its not what it looks like." Ez said thinking of an excuse.

"One you scarred the kid for life,great going,Two, I EAT ON THAT COUNTER YOU FUCKING NUMBNUT!!!" Jackie said wacking him with the book.

"OW! Jesus woman , calm down!" Ez exclaimed grabbing the book , scoffing at the title.

He gave her a "really" look as he held up the book.

"Don't judge me, And never tell me to calm down!" Jackie said snatching it back.

"Calm you old lady down Ez." Bishop said.

"Im not his old lady , and your banned from this house!" She yelled as she heard Illiana laugh upstairs.

"Gilly shot me in the ass testing out some new guns!" Angel exclaimed as Hank stitched him up.

"What the fuck dude!" She yelled at Gilly.

"Why are you yelling at me for!?" Gilly yelled.

"Because he's bleeding over my kitchen!" Jackie yelled.

"Our." Ez murmured.

"Mine." Jackie growled.

"Yours." Ez said holding his hands up in surrender.

"Next time , do it at your damn clubhouse! And this place better be spottless when I come back in here!"

Jackie exclaimed.

"I HAVE A FUCKING DATE TOMMOROW!!!" Illiana yelled.

Sally barked rushing to the teens room.

"My ass hurts." Angel said.

"Shut up man we need to have this kitchen cleaned or we'll be the ones on a table!" Ez exclaimed.

-----------------

Maddie ziegler as Natalia kline.



Tiktok : Zaenighteditz

tumblr : Zae-night

Also available on

A03 :  zae_night

------------

[dearhaunt]

Maybe a strange question, but I was wondering why you use they/them pronouns. I’m always interested in ppls reasons/feelings about their pronouns; I know I have specific reasons for the ones I use. Hope you are having lovely day :3

i’m not sure if this is going to make sense because i have trouble articulating my internal workings sometimes … but i will try. & forgive me in advance because this will probably get sooo long LOL i love to over explain myself!

to be frank i don’t entirely care how people refer to me so long as they respect & honor Me and my relationship with myself&personhood. i think a lot about what leslie feinberg said about the pronouns ze used — something like pronouns always being placed within a certain context (forgive me for my paraphrasing).

for me i think it is much the same! context & words used with care and love are what matter to me most.

generally i use & claim they/them because it feels Logical to me. i often times feel a bit more like a slowly-forming thing than a fully realized being… so neutrality makes sense. i’m just a person… or i’m learning to be one. i’ve just got my legs! im not sure about the she or he thing! i’m still Becoming. a lot of traditional notions of gender feel very choosy & specific in a way that feels illogical to me. so ‘they’ makes sense for me i think. i’m maybe a little vague. to-be-determined. i’m getting my wings in real soon. you know

i don’t see myself as being gendered (in the traditional sense) because i don’t feel a personal connection to cis-hetero-euro-whatever gender and its dealings. just … as a whole.

at the same time, i am a Daughter. and a Sister. someday id really like to be a wife. i think in social dealings there is something woman-tinged about me always. perhaps because of my family & cultural practices (which i suppose are heavily gendered … hooray latino familial dynamics❤️‍🩹). so when my parents or my siblings call me She it really doesn’t bother me all that much. to them i can be She because in this context She = sister, daughter, loved one.

in lesbian context i Also feel a deep connection to womanhood. it’s probably one of the only ways i’d feel 100% comfortable being viewed as a woman. on a butch’s arm, sitting & talking with my majority-lesbian friends … it’s an unimaginable joy and comfort. i can be a girl then, i guess. i still feel more-so that i am a (high) Femme rather than a woman. but i Would like to be another dyke’s woman. i don’t know. maybe this part gets a little nonsensical. but, you know — in a room of women im a dyke & in a room of dykes i get to be a woman … something like that. & when i’m with other dykes esp. those who are butch/femme, trans, or have complex relationships with gender … i don’t mind what they call me. girl, boy, woman, thing, she, he, they … i’m a Femme and a dyke and when i feel respected and recognized as a Femme everything else sort of blurs and melts! it’s all love. and i quite like that

another important thing for me is feminism & politics. politically i am aligned with women & those marginalized under patriarchy Always. my class is woman, if that makes sense … because of the various experiences i’ve had and the oppression i have and continue to face due to misogyny and such. so i suppose politically i am She as well in that i am forever bonded with / tied to every woman and person of marginalized gender as we all suffer under a patriarchal system.

another thing that’s been attributed to leslie feinberg (by hir wife, Minnie Bruce Pratt) that i quite like was when ze said something like … i care about my pronouns but people have been respectful to me while using the wrong ones & disrespectful while using the right ones. again, Context!!! very important for me. sometimes in class when we have to give our pronouns i say ‘they is fine, but also anything is fine if you’re kind to me.’ and it’s definitely a little tongue in cheek but also … it’s true!

sorry for all this rambling. TLDR: they/them feels right & logical so that’s generally the pronouns i use or tell people to use. they feel sensible for me. but ultimately i think because gender is this heavily constructed and highly social phenomenon (which might evolve and adapt and twist etc etc) that respect & context is what matters more to me.

so i don’t totally-entirely-absolutely care. except i do i guess. because i wrote all of this. Well. i guess i don’t care what you say or how you call me as long as its sweet & from your heart!

[withleeknow]

BWHAHAH have I seen that video- [ofc i have. multiple times. it's saved somewhere. the way he waited for her to hold his hand.] a really (un)important update: the peach-strawberry sorbet hair? it's grown on me sm it's acc on par w/ his hot-girl-redhair e.g. tinyurl.com/ycxezc6r the caption is so real (like I read it and thought, ah yes, this was written by/for jen/🍙) + his pseudo-aussie accent- good lord

lmao what sort of r:u album update was that- this was you are stupidly endearing, you noob 🥺😭 onigiri to the rescue: the ebay listing's here and the jay option is still in stock! ❤️‍🔥🐈‍⬛ tinyurl.com/mr3jmud8 [side note: shipping was free + to the UK, took <2 weeks w/ full door-to-door tracking - not sponsored, just a very happy onigiri + yo we'll have matching albums 🥺🧸]

oooh my friend recently bought the same chloe + it smells ✨️ divine ✨️ lmao the fainting's relatable bc i'm in my penhaligon's/aesop phase rn and I need an intervention bc I recently sampled armani's thé yulong + I can't stop thinking abt her 🫡

i haven't caught up with skz's jjam promos but what the hell is this gif-worthy clip: tinyurl.com/yc77n2ps the wavy hair? the accessories? the smirk? f-me he's insane. speaking of- the snippet. is that supposed to tide me over? on a flipping cliffhanger? he stays. tell me he stays over. istg jen you've created a monster out of me.

in honour of your discovery of blonde 🐈‍⬛, my fyp also gave me this masterpiece vm.tiktok.com/ZGecE7sDR/

made the mistake of opening that video on my big monitor at work and almost had a heart attack. the red hair will always be supreme to me but this peach era is a close second methinks... i fear i might be falling down another heeseung rabbit hole aksdksjfhds

i swear the employees there must've thought i was a weirdo bc i was holding the album and squinting to spy the non-existent dashes and then going to stand in front of the fan by the door to crosscheck with the instruction video on my phone (it was hot as balls and the store has awful ventilation) lmao. i ended up just getting the inceptio ver !! pulls under the cut !! i think i’ll def get a jay ver as well when i go to asia in 3 months just bc it’d be cheaper there 🤣

ohhh penhaligon’s packaging 😭 if you’re looking for an intervention you’ve come to the wrong place bc i am an enabler you should get one, no time like the present 💕 thé yulong !! i’m excited to try her heheheh guess we know what i’ll be on the hunt for on my lunch break tomorrow lol

i am personally victimized by this. i think this is the one of the worst things he’s ever done to me. the pretty curls with the smirk !!! i’m going to yeet myself out the window bye. honestly everything that has to do with ate era!mimo is giving this vibe lmao i can’t explain it 🤣

speaking of wt, does he stay? what’s the occasion? would she let himssst? 🤭

did i know that i probably shouldn’t open this video at werk either after the first one? yes. did i open it anyway? also yes. i’ve got one foot in each rabbit hole and idek which one to fall into anymore. this is looking like another love triangle

anywhomst, ze pulls !! i did not know what i’d be getting with this album at all and ngl right after i left the store i said out loud to myself “what am i doing with an enhypen album” but when i got home and opened her up, this woman was left speechless !! SHE’S BEAUTIFUL 😭 it’s so cute i LOVE this concept 😭 the photobook is one of the prettiest ones i’ve ever seen 😭 the stickers are so adorable i had to put them on my new tissue box !!! the pc’s and the postcard 😭 ADORABLE i love her sm

[qzwrites]

Maria/Arevin pt 1

do you ever imagine a woman so colorful you are compelled to write several thousand words about her having an extremely late-breaking sexual awakening

(sergeant arevin is sasha's childhood bodyguard and helen's father. he is...marginally less fucked up than bothari?)

---

"'Scuse me," someone grunted from the doorway to Jaz's right, and ze took a step back to let them out. It was a tall, thin, visibly trans woman bodily hauling a man out of a bar. The man was struggling, but his feet were barely touching the ground.

Jaz watched with some bemusement as the clocky woman threw the man into the street. "Woman enough to kick your ass, faggot!" she shouted at him, then glanced at Jaz. "No offense," she said.

"None taken," Jaz said.

"And stay the fuck outta my bar," the woman barked at the man she'd just thrown out. "'Less you can learn to keep your nasty comments to yourself! Piece of shit," she muttered, as the man scrambled to his feet and down the street.

"Pardon me, ma'am," Jaz said to her, "strange question, but are you single?"

She glanced at Jaz and snorted. "You couldn't handle me, kid," she said.

Jaz laughed. "I'm actually already married," ze said, "but I have a friend--a former fuck-buddy, actually--who I think might like you."

She took a closer look at Jaz. "You're one of them Petrov Gnillesians," she said after a moment.

Jaz, conscious of the fact that ze was wearing trousers, dipped into zeir daintiest curtsey. "At your service," ze said.

"You were fucking someone other than Lord Petrov?" the woman asked skeptically.

Jaz laughed. "Oh, ma'am," ze said. "Yeah, I was fucking people other than Sasha. I would've attempted Kavagoran-style monogamy if he asked, but thank God he did not."

She gave Jaz another once-over, then sneered at zem. "You think because someone fucked your pansy ass they won't mind a tranny, huh?" Considering she was taller than Jaz and had just carried an adult man with little apparent effort, Jaz was willing to let her call zem a pansy; she was clearly actually strong.

Jaz shrugged. "Mostly I think you just kicked that guy's ass and you're not a man, which are kind of the two main things he's looking for," ze said. "And I don't think you'd have any problem telling him to shut the fuck up when he's being...weird."

"Weird how?" she asked, frowning. She pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her back pocket, tapped one out, and set it between her lips. Then she offered Jaz the pack.

"No thanks," Jaz said. She shrugged and slid the pack back into her pocket before pulling a lighter out of a different pocket. Jaz said, "I mean, he's a Kavagoran man with war trauma and a chip on his shoulder about being in the service. Except he's also worked for the Petrovs for the last thirty years. What do you think?"

She lit the cigarette and took a drag before she answered. "Sounds interesting, at least," she said. "I appreciate you asking if I'm single, like I might not be," she added.

"I mean, I don't know you," Jaz said, with a shrug, "and if there's one thing I know people on this planet get offended by, it's acting like marital status doesn't have anything to do with if you're down to fuck."

The woman exhaled, nodding. "Name's Maria Ivanov," she said, looking at Jaz sidelong. "I am single, and I have to admit I'm curious as to who the fuck you think would find both of us equally attractive." She was delightful, Jaz thought.

"Jaz Arroyo Petrov," ze said, smiling. "Nice to meet you. Have you ever seen Baron or Baroness Petrov out somewhere with an armsman who looks like he got hit by a truck?" Jaz asked. Maria snorted and nodded. "That's the guy," Jaz said.

"Petrov's butt-ugly attack dog," Maria said.

"He's actually really sexy," Jaz said, "although I guess that relies on you being into the kind of shit I'm into."

Maria snorted. "That feels like a big if, kid," she said.

"It is," Jaz said. "Better chances here than back on Gnilles, though. I think."

"So rough shit, then," Maria said, smiling a little. "Well, I ain't opposed to that. Don't know if I'm 'into' it."

"Oh?" Jaz asked. Ze smirked. "You're trying to tell me you're a Kavagoran woman who isn't even a little bit into a man who's big and tough enough to just take what he wants?"

Maria sputtered on her cigarette. "Shit," she said, laughing, "yeah, okay, when you put it like that. Blood and bone." She waved a hand in front of her body, indicating herself. "Not really something I expected to come across." She was not quite as tall as Helen, and she hadn't seemed to struggle to carry an adult man out of the bar. Men who were bigger and tougher than her were rare, even on Kavagor.

"So it'd be an experience, at least," Jaz said.

"It would," Maria agreed. "What the hell, why not?"

*

Arevin was visibly just humoring Jaz when he agreed to meet Maria. He'd outright rolled his eyes when Jaz told him, "I met a lady I think you might like," which was a charming bit of rudeness he wouldn't have dreamed of letting zem see when Jaz first came home with Sasha.

Maria's schedule was a little weird, since she was a bartender and either managing the place for the owner or part-owner herself, but eventually she arranged to meet Jaz and Arevin at the Petrov's horse yard.

"Arevin," Jaz said when they were all there, "this is Maria."

Maria had made the unconventional choice to show up in trousers, but she had on a top with the criss-cross bust detailing of traditional Kavagoran blouses, as well as a light jacket that had machine embroidery down the front opening, around the collar, and on the sleeve cuffs. She had her hair pulled into an incongruously formal bun and had put on makeup. She wore a set of earrings that matched her necklace. She almost looked more obviously trans like that than she had throwing a bigot out of the bar. Jaz thought she was probably the bravest person ze'd ever met on Kavagor.

Arevin looked at her and said, "Not much to look at."

Jaz rolled zeir eyes. Evenly, though not really politely, Maria said, "You're not exactly a prize yourself, old man. But I guess you must be a decent armsman, for Baron Petrov to keep you around so long."

He grunted. "Arroyo said you could fight."

"Enlisted Mixed-Weight UAC Champ three years running," Maria said.

That appeared to confuse Arevin. He stared at Maria blankly for a few moments. Then he said, "Oh, you used to be a man."

Jaz closed zeir eyes. 

Maria laughed. "Are you going blind, old man? It ain't like I pass good."

"I just thought you were ugly," Arevin said, shrugging.

"Holy shit, Sarge," Jaz said. Ze was forced to reconsider the possibility that he had been trying to be polite to zem when Sasha first brought zem home, and was simply very bad at it.

Maria just laughed some more. "Ugly and stupid," she said. "What a combo. You brought me to a real winner, kid." She stripped off her jacket and handed it to Jaz. Her top was sleeveless, and her arms were the lean kind of muscular Jaz bet felt like iron. Then she reached up to take out her earrings, which was a good call; Arevin hated that Jaz wouldn't take zeirs out when they sparred. She turned and handed those to Jaz as well. Then she reached into her shirt and pulled out...her breasts? She handed those to Jaz, too, who took them reflexively, because when someone handed zem their fake boobs ze accepted them. Evidently. "Don't look at 'em like that, kid," she said, "I know they're not as fancy as yours, but they're the most expensive thing I own."

"Maria," Jaz said, "after you and Sarge are done sizing each other up, we're gonna go see Lady Sardavin and see about getting you some estrogen."

Maria snorted. "Yeah, sure, kid," she said.

Jaz put the earrings in zeir pocket, threw the jacket over zeir arm, and shuffled both breast forms into the cradle of one elbow so ze could pull out zeir com. "Danny," ze said the instant her voice mail would let zem speak, "I have no idea how to help someone get hormones on this planet but the woman I brought to meet Sarge just handed me her fake boobs with her earrings and now they're doing that circling thing. She didn't believe me when I told her I was going to see about getting her some estrogen. I just realized I don't know if she even knows about hormonal transition. Am I being presumptuous? Am I the privileged galactic asshole right now? This planet's got me so fucked up, Danny. Holy shit, I think Sarge is bleeding." Zeir com beeped in zeir ear. "Fuck, now I think you're calling me back," ze said, and scrambled to hang up without rejecting the incoming call.

"Hey, babe, what's up?" Daniil asked when Jaz managed to answer.

"I'm having a fucking episode is what's up," Jaz said. Arevin wiped the blood off his face while Maria rolled to her feet. Jaz saw why she had her hair up now; she had much more of it than Jaz did, and it would be either in her face or a handhold if it wasn't pinned to her head like that. Into the com, ze asked, "How hard is it for a normal person to get hormones on this planet? I'm assuming her veteran's benefits won't cover it."

Daniil snorted. "Yeah, no," she said. "Call back in about fifty years. Does she have money? Not nobility money, just regular money."

"Well," Jaz said, "she took out her fake boobs before she and Sarge started fighting, and she said they were the most expensive thing she owned, so I'm guessing not."

"She what? Jaz, what is happening?"

"I found the perfect woman for Helen's dad," Jaz said. "They are currently attempting to beat the hell out of each other. I wasn't really expecting them to go through with the fistfight but I guess this is what passes for a courting ritual on your world."

"For Helen's father? Sounds about right," Daniil said. "Did you say she was a veteran?"

"When he asked if she could fight, she said something about being a champion enlisted mixed-weight fighter," Jaz said. "Three years running. That's when Sarge clocked her as trans. She laughed at him because she doesn't really pass, but as far as he's concerned, if you're dressed as a woman, you're a woman."

"That is one of the few positive qualities I would ascribe to him, yes," Daniil said. Like her husband, she was not as attached to Arevin as the Petrovs proper were. "Okay, I bet she can get bloodwork done with the military benefits, that's good. I don't really want to take risks with someone else's organ function. Where are you? Petrov House?"

"The horse yard, yeah," Jaz said. "Knowing Sarge, I figured we should be somewhere not legally public. He's definitely having fun, at least."

"I don't understand why you're invested in him," Daniil said. "I'll be right over, give me like half an hour."

"You're the best, I love you," Jaz said.

"Damn right," Daniil said, sounding just like Yakov, "love you too." She ended the call.

Maria dodged out of the way of a feint and just managed to deflect the actual blow, but it knocked her off balance. Arevin had her on the ground in half a second, arms locked above her head with his. Maria laughed, wheezing a little. "You are good," she said. She struggled a little. "Strong." She wriggled a little more, this time in her lower body. It looked fairly obscene. "Feels like you got a pretty big dick, too." She shouted, "Hey, kid! Why didn't you list a big dick as one of his selling points?"

"I don't know that it is," Jaz called back, walking over to them. "Coupla times I would've appreciated a slightly smaller dick."

"Liar," Arevin said, releasing Maria's arms. He rolled off of her to get to his feet.

Maria didn't get up, just rolled onto her back, grinning. "Seems to me," she said to Jaz, "if you're looking for masochists, a big dick's gotta be a plus. Even if it isn't, it hurts, so it is."

Arevin snorted as he stood, then extended a hand to help Maria up. God, he didn't do that for anyone but Sasha and Emil. And Delara, probably, although Jaz had never seen her spar with anyone.

Maria eyed his proffered hand. "It is so tempting to yank you back down here," she said.

"You're too out of shape to go again," Arevin said.

She laughed. "Bones, ain't that right! I haven't worked so hard since I took my twenty," she said, and took his hand. She grunted a bit as she got to her feet, but she didn't try to throw him, and he didn't drop her. Unless Jaz was mistaken, that meant ze was now a qualified Kavagoran match-maker. Specializing in weird, violent veterans. Which was at least a bigger demographic on Kavagor than back home.

"Daniil's on the way to talk about hormone therapy," Jaz said, "because I don't know shit about your awful health care system." Ze handed over Maria's boobs, then her jacket, then her earrings. While Maria reassembled herself, Jaz asked, "Should we go up to the house and see if Ma's got anything in the fridge?"

"Don't you dare introduce me to no Petrovs," Maria said, putting in her earrings. "Not when we just been rolling in the dirt." Her top was a little grass-stained, and there was mud on both her trousers and Arevin's.

"If they're in the kitchen, they are but humble supplicants to Ma Eshman, the cook," Jaz said. "Simply an old guy and a bunch of dirty galactics." Ze laughed when Arevin made the face he always made when ze said things like that. "It's a term of endearment, Sarge."

"It's not," Arevin said.

Maria laughed. "Coming from the kid?" she asked. "I'm sure it is. Ze said you were really sexy, so you know something's wired wrong in zeir head."

"I prefer to think of it as a fresh perspective," Jaz said haughtily. Maria laughed again.

They were just sitting down to sandwiches and fresh lemonade, because Ma Eshman couldn't help herself, when Daniil swanned through the door in one of her hugely poofy skirt outfits. "Hello!" she said. "Good afternoon, Ma Eshman, oh, is that fresh lemonade? You are a wonder. Sergeant, Jaz, ma'am, I'm afraid with all the personal information ze was telling me Jaz somehow neglected your name." She glared at zem as she sat down at the kitchen table. Her hair was still growing out, but her skirt doubled her size and her tits were on prominent display in the coordinating top.

"Er, Maria, my lady." She kicked Jaz under the table.

"Daniil is explicitly not a Petrov, she's a Sardavin," Jaz said, since that must have been what the kick was about, "and what did I tell you about the kitchen? This is a class-free zone. There's Ma Eshman at the top, then whoever she's got doing errands for her, and then the rest of us common plebians begging for scraps."

"So true," Daniil said, taking a sandwich. "It's wonderful to meet you, Maria; do you even want hormones? It didn't sound as if Jaz asked," she said, again glaring at zem. Since ze'd realized that zemself, ze wasn't offended. If Daniil thought casting zem as the bad guy was the right play for a Kavagoran audience, she was probably right.

"Didn't think I could afford them," Maria said with a shrug. "And even if I could, don't the doctors make you do all sorts of stupid shit, like therapy and cutting your dick off? I know it ain't the most impressive piece of meat, but we still been through a lot together. Don't know if I'm willing to chop it off."

"I'd love to tell you that's not true, but it more or less is," Daniil said. "Which is why I manufacture my own hormones and get my blood work done through means I can't discuss in front of anyone still in the Imperial Service, except for my husband."

"Ah," Maria said, smiling and relaxing a bit.

Still, Jaz felt obligated to point out, "Therapy isn't stupid."

Daniil sighed. "Jaz," she said. "Do you think there is any chance a therapist who accepts military benefits will actually know or care about informed consent?"

"Fair," Jaz said. "But in general."

"Yes, medical care you can trust is great," Daniil said, rolling her eyes. "This is not the planet, Jaz."

Arevin frowned at Jaz. "Wasn't it therapists who thought milady was brainwashed and tried to lock her up?"

Right, he knew about that. "Okay," Jaz said, holding zeir hands up in surrender, "so Gnillesian therapists are bad at war therapy and Kavagoran therapists are bad at gender therapy."

"Excuse me, when was this?" Daniil asked.

"After Vilvinudes," Jaz said. "My history lessons in school were mixed about if she was nuts or it was a star-crossed lovers thing, but these days they mostly agree she was right and they fucked up."

"'Mostly'," Maria said, rolling her eyes. "They been married since the week she got here!"

"Milord is still a [bogeyman] to many Gnillesians," Arevin said. Maria shook her head.

"Anyway," Daniil said, flapping a hand, "all that aside, the main reason to get blood work done is to make sure your liver and kidneys are processing everything okay and not getting overstressed. It's nice to monitor your actual estrogen and progesterone levels versus your testosterone, but since HRT has visible effects from the outside, it's not as medically necessary. So you can probably get the blood work covered at your clinic or the military hospital, especially if you have any other medications or history of drug use."

Maria snorted. "I was a grunt," she said. "'Course I got a history of drug use."

"That's what I was hoping," Daniil said brightly. "If you're not already monitoring your levels, it shouldn't be hard to get your docs to do it."

"I'm getting older, I gotta look after my health," Maria said, nodding.

"Exactly," Daniil said. "Surgery's a whole other thing I can't help with, because I'm not about to go to actual medical school, but that's also still a thing you want to wait on, right, Jaz?"

"Depending on the surgery, I think," Jaz said. "You don't want to get a boob job while your boobs are still coming in, but I think if you want to get rid of your gonads, you can do that whenever."

"Hmm," Daniil said. She leaned back in her chair. "I suppose the best options for surgeons who listen to you are going to be off-world."

"I assume," Jaz said. "Especially for you."

Daniil laughed. "I didn't think I'd find anyone here willing to do a PPV," she said. "But just now I was thinking about an orchie."

"Ah," Jaz said. "Yeah, I don't know. I know they can do pretty impressive trauma reconstructions here, but I have to assume they're more used to preserving testicles than getting rid of them."

"You could go to a vet for that," Maria said. "Still do it to horses and livestock all the time."

Daniil shook her head. "They'd be putting their license at risk," she said. "Especially since most veterinarians are still commoners. It wouldn't be worth it to do illegal surgery on me. Especially not now that I'm Lady Sardavin."

"Oh," Maria said, looking enlightened, "you're the Tamarov kid everyone thought was a fag who somehow seduced Lady Sveta's son."

Daniil laughed. "That is the sweetest way anyone has ever failed to recognize me," she said. "Yeah, I decided it was easier to avoid fighting my family about it when Yakov didn't mind everyone thinking he was gay for a few months. I'd actually started hormones more than a year earlier, and I was kind of wondering what it would take for them to notice." She drew a line under her boobs with one hand. "These were getting rather hard to hide."

"Besides, Danny is a fag who somehow seduced Yakov," Jaz said. "Although yeah, I'm sure already having the tits helped."

Daniil smiled, her cheeks dimpling. "He is a simple man, my Yakov," she said.

Maria stared at Daniil, like she needed to re-evaluate her. Eventually, she asked, "You can get me estrogen?" Daniil nodded. "What, just out of some kind of tranny sisterhood?"

Daniil shrugged. "You can think of it as a favor to Jaz, if you'd rather."

"I'd feel like I'm cheating you," Maria said. "Getting something for nothing."

Jaz nodded. "I'd offer to fuck her for it," ze said, "but I'd do that anyway."

"Blood, kid, how many people besides your husband are you fucking?"

Jaz shrugged. "It's normal back home to fuck your friends," ze said. "Sasha doesn't mind." Truthfully, Sasha rather liked it, but that was still something he wouldn't publicize widely.

"Don't worry," Daniil to Maria absently, "Sasha fucks other people too." She drummed her fingers on the table next to her plate. "Do you smoke?" she asked Maria.

"Yeah, but they're Imps," she said. "Doc told me those don't fuck with your heart as bad."

Daniil grinned. "Perfect," she said. "I mean, yes, if you smoked domestics, I'd strongly suggest you stop, but if you could hook me up with your supplier...? Or be a go-between. I'd appreciate it."

"So it ain't just black market hormones, huh?" Maria asked, smiling. "Yeah, I can do that."

"As much as I adore using Sardavin money to bribe people," Daniil said, "sometimes you don't want that kind of attention. Tusmoen cigarettes are a more manageable exchange rate in my circles anyway."

Maria laughed. "I bet," she said.

They exchanged com codes, and then Jaz excused Daniil and zemself, leaving Maria and Arevin alone at the kitchen table.

"Where the hell did you find her?" Daniil asked, giggling. "She is wonderful."

Jaz laughed. "She's a crusty old bitch," ze said. "Isn't she perfect? She had him working for it in the fight, too. I came across her on the street, beating up a bigot. She called him a faggot, then looked at me and said, 'No offense.'"

Daniil laughed. "Of course she did."

*

"So," Maria said when the kids left them. "You want to give it a go?"

"If you're not just humoring Arroyo," Arevin said.

Maria snorted again. "If a hot young slut like that says you're a good lay, I'll take that bet," she said. She grinned at him. "And I already know you got a good job. Sure, you'll hit a gal, but I can hit back."

Ma Eshman interrupted, "No funny business in my kitchen." She went around the table, collecting the plates and glasses. "Even if it is funny funny business. That's what the rest of the damn house is for."

"Yes, ma'am," Maria said reflexively, and found Arevin echoing her. They stood, and Maria followed him into the house proper.

As he led her to a narrow servant's stair, he murmured, "That woman's younger than me, and still makes me feel like I'm a misbehaving child."

Maria laughed. "A cook in her kitchen is higher'n the Emperor hisself," she quoted.

The bedroom he took her to was too small to be anything but a servant's room in a house like this, but it was nice. Neat, and clean. There were enough personal touches it didn't feel like a hotel room, but all it told you about the man who slept in it was that he had a child and an Imperial commendation, both of which were things Maria already knew. It was dominated by a large bed with nice bedding on it. Maria wondered if the kid had anything to do with that; ze was nice enough, but probably pretty prissy.

Arevin went and stood by the desk. Apparently they had more talking to do. Maria stayed near the door, more out of habit than any real concern. That, and there was nowhere to sit but the bed and the desk. After a moment, Arevin said, "I don't know how much Arroyo told you."

"You're easier to look up than most," Maria said. He didn't have an encylopedia page of his own, although he did have a pretty sizable section on Emil Petrov's. "But when I realized the kid was trying to hook me up with Petrov's attack dog, I did, you know, have an idea what I was getting into."

"Ah," Arevin said. After a moment, he added like it was a question, "You're still here."

Maria shrugged. "Twenty years ago, I might've bailed," she said. Though, twenty years ago she wouldn't have agreed to go back to a man's room for sex no matter who that man was. "But he let you babysit his kid, which I figure means that pardon wasn't only outta guilt. Besides," she said, a little more softly, "I did a tour on Ebatur, when I was fresh outta basic. And I'm not too proud of some of that."

He just looked at her for a moment, then huffed a little, tiny laugh. "Yeah," he said.

"So are we doing this thing, or do I gotta pick a fight to get you in the mood?" Maria asked.

He jerked his head toward the bed, so Maria shrugged out of her jacket, hung it on one of the hooks next to the door, and headed for it.

He immediately went for the hem of her shirt. Maria slapped his hands. "Shit, I know I ain't no lady," she said, "but I ain't a whore, neither. An ounce of fucking romance, please?"

He froze in place, looking up at her completely blankly.

The kid told Maria he was weird, and he seemed to have met Petrov through the infamous Boris Kasharik, so who knew what he thought sex was normally like. She hadn't found any information about who the mother of his daughter was anywhere, but the rumor mill fetched up an old tidbit about her being a whore's get, and it hadn't been hard to find out Arevin was himself a whore's son. "Sorry," she said, mentally kicking herself for letting her tongue run away with her. "Nothing wrong with whores. I just meant I'd like some kissing first."

"Oh," Arevin said. He kept staring at her, though. After an eternity where Maria wondered what the hell was wrong with wanting to be kissed, he said, "I've never done that."

"What?" she asked.

He cleared his throat. "I've never kissed a willing woman."

"Oh," Maria said. She settled her arms on his shoulders. "I can't imagine it's much different," she said. "And to be frank, it's the only part I don't got bad associations with myself, so I'd appreciate including it."

He set his hands on her hips, frowning a little. He looked so out of his depth, confronted with the idea of kissing her, especially compared to how unhesitating he'd been when they were fighting. Emperor help her, but it was kind of cute. She leaned in to do the hard part for him, lining up their mouths and trying to avoid being impaled on his giant beak of a nose. At first, it was like kissing a statue, but he relaxed after a moment.

He wasn't exactly a good kisser, having not done it for nearly thirty years (because she sure fucking hoped upstanding Regent-turned-Prime-Minister Petrov hadn't been letting him kiss unwilling women), but kissing wasn't 5-D math. His hands slid around to grab her ass, and that was pretty nice.

Maria hadn't really expected to enjoy kissing Arevin. She barely enjoyed kissing any of the people she kissed before, but there were a few key differences between that and this, such as her and him. She'd always before been kissing someone who thought she was a man, and that someone had always been a woman. It turned out that even being potentially attracted to someone made a difference when it came to kissing. Go figure.

Arevin pulled back. In an even rougher voice than his usual throat full of gravel, he asked, "Now can I take your clothes off?"

Maria's stomach flipped over. "Yes, please," she said, surprised at how fucking maidenly she sounded.

He undressed her efficiently, without comment, although he did duck in and kiss her in between steps. He also kissed her throat, her chest, and her stomach as he uncovered them. Maria had no idea if he would have done that before she asked for kissing, but she liked it either way.

He let her deal with her own underwear, which was just as well since her boobs were sticking to her chest. He undressed himself even more efficiently, and Maria had to admit, it did improve the view. His face was homely at best, but his body was a pretty damn good one. And he was partially hard already, which was flattering even if it was just a physical reaction to rolling around on the ground, talking about sex, then making out.

Maria thought she felt naked when she took out her boobs earlier, but that was nothing next to being actually naked in front of a man. She was self-conscious of fucking everything: her flat chest, the stubble on her cheeks and chest, the breadth of her shoulders. The Gnillesian kid had broad shoulders and narrow hips, but ze also had great tits and a trim little waist. Lady Sardavin was fat, but even if that big skirt made her look curvier than she was, she had big tits to go with it. Whereas Maria was a fucking scarecrow with long hair.

Arevin barely even looked at her once they were both naked; he shoved Maria back onto his bed and climbed on top of her. The bloody kid was right; feeling like he was taking her was going straight to Maria's head and dick. He ran his hands over her like he was mapping unfamiliar terrain. He grabbed her non-existent tits, which was embarrassing even though she liked it. Then he kissed her again.

He still wasn't a very good kisser, but he was enthusiastic. Maria found it difficult to doubt the sincerity of a man doing such a middling job with such gusto.

He ventured a kiss to her neck, which was scratchy with his stubble. It made Maria shiver, which was a new reaction. He took it as encouragement, and started all but gnawing on her. That was a little more like she'd expected, but it did surprise her how much she liked it. She found herself helplessly letting out little moans and gasps, like some damsel getting ravished in old-fashioned porn.

Arevin nibbled his way down her neck to her chest. He only licked and sucked at her nipples for a few seconds before she said, "Not there, it's depressing."

He grunted acknowledgement and moved down to her ribs, which hurt more but still somehow felt better. Then his mouth was on her stomach, her hips--such as they were--and she was rather looking forward to him getting to her thighs, which were surely biteable, but instead he pressed his lips to her dick.

She sucked in a sharp breath. "Shit," she said, "you don't gotta."

Arevin paused. He looked up at her, nearly expressionless. "Do you not want me to?" he asked.

"Did I say that?" she demanded. "If you're willing to, be my fucking guest, I only--oh, shit!"

He was better at sucking dick than he was at kissing, which Maria was going to hope had more to do with the Gnillesian kid than whatever Kasharik made him do. It certainly seemed like a less rusty skill.

He got her right up to the verge of orgasm, then stopped abruptly. Maria pounded her heels on his back. "You bastard," she said, "I was two seconds from coming!"

He shrugged. "Didn't know if you'd let me keep going after you finished."

"What, you think I can't take it?" Maria demanded. "Don't pretend you stopped fucking the kid after one orgasm."

"Arroyo has a cunt," Arevin said. "No refractory period." After a moment, he added, "Despite what ze might've said, I would like you to enjoy yourself."

Maria smiled. "Uh huh," she said. "C'mere."

Looking a bit bemused, he obeyed her beckoning gesture. He was obviously surprised when she kissed him. He was really not used to affection, huh? Maria was sure the kid was fun in bed, but even attack dogs wanted to be pet. Just because ze was already married was no excuse not to kiss a fuck-buddy.

Arevin kissed back more aggressively now. He was rock-hard against her, his dick hot and digging into the crease of her hip and leg. Maria had barely even done anything but let him touch her. He'd gotten like that just sucking her dick. Probably that had more to do with him than with her, but it was still nice. It made her feel sexier than any girl cooing over her arms or begging for her dick ever had.

"You gonna fuck me?" she mumbled, in between kisses. "It ain't the one you're used to, but I still got a hole to put your dick in."

He growled and bit her lip. "I have fucked plenty of women in the ass," he said. After a moment, he added, "And Arroyo."

"Then why aren't you?" Maria asked. "You got me all worked up and now you're not even doing anything about it." That wasn't true, he was rocking against her and still running his hands over her chest and sides. It wasn't exactly traditional sex, but she'd enjoyed herself well enough doing the same thing before. She guessed it would be even better with him.

He growled again, and moved to kiss her neck some more. That offered support for her guess; she couldn't help thrusting her hips up into him as he worried at her neck.

Eventually, he pulled away and rolled over to one side of the bed to pull open a nightstand drawer, from which he pulled lube and a condom.

"What's the raincoat for?" Maria asked. "I ain't gonna get pregnant."

He stopped what he was doing and looked at her. After a moment, he said, "Milady insists on them. Er," he blinked, evidently trying to recall the rationale behind a long-internalized order. "Disease prevention," he said finally.

"I guess," Maria said, although she guessed Baron Petrov's right hand man got tested and treated regular, while she had spent years practicing the best sexual hygiene of all: celibacy. But it'd also prevent an ass full of spunk, which she had not been particularly looking forward to experiencing if he finished inside her.

For a while, it seemed like the condom might be unnecessary. He spent so damn long fingering her she thought he must have gone soft, even though he somehow managed to keep her on edge the whole time. She hadn't given that much thought to this part before, except as a means to an end. Arevin may as well have been given special Imperial orders to finger her asshole for all the gravity and tenacity with which he approached the task.

She was once again on the brink of orgasm when he withdrew. "Swear to Mad Old Ivan I'm going to fucking kill you if you do that one more time," she said, craning her head up so she could see to aim her kick.

Instead, she saw him rolling a condom onto his dick, which didn't seem to have flagged at all that whole time. He looked up at her with dark eyes and said, "I won't."

Maria was reminded when he started pushing into her that his dick was bigger than anything she'd ever had inside her, so perhaps the length of time he spent fingering her wasn't wholly to torment her with an orgasm ever-out-of-reach. It was absurd, actually, that it could even fit in her. She wasn't sure there was room for any other thoughts in her head, let alone space in her body.

It was without question the best thing she'd ever felt in her life. She could not believe how much better it was than letting her girlfriends use their sex toys on her. Sure, it probably helped that she was the only woman involved in the equation, but tap-dancing zombie Emperor, this was a whole other experience.

He settled on top of her, cock buried in her up to her bloody guts, and kissed her again. Possibly he was a real quick study, or possibly Maria's standards had taken a nosedive owing to her complete preoccupation with her newfound calling as a sheath for this man's cock; it was fantastic, and she wrapped her arms around him in order to press as much of her body against his as possible.

Then he started moving.

"Oh fucking hell," Maria swore. "Shitting motherfucking bones, that feels good."

"Good," Arevin grunted.

"Oh, fuck," she said. "Blood. Fuck!"

Maria had no idea how long they went on like that. It felt like an age--the best bone-sworn age of her life--but knew from experience the actual dick-in-a-hole bit usually didn't go much longer than ten or fifteen minutes. She wouldn't have minded it lasting longer, that was for sure, even if she did feel like she couldn't breathe with Arevin's cock pushing all the air out of her lungs.

She had a wild orgasm, or possibly two nigh-simultaneous orgasms considering the order of events and how intense it was, and lost the ability to hang onto him. He paused. Maria patted his face, aiming for but not entirely landing on his cheek, and said, "If you wanna keep going, go ahead."

He grunted, and did.

Despite how thoroughly fucked-out and relaxed Maria was, she was starting to get a little uncomfortable right where, you know, her asshole was experiencing the greatest friction. Thankfully, as she started to contemplate saying something, Arevin slammed his cock into her one last time and gasped.

Once he went limp atop her, Maria said, "Bones, you're sweaty." She jostled him. "Come on, I don't want you laying on me just because you're the best lay I ever had."

He grumbled, reached down between them to pull out without losing the condom, and rolled off her. He disposed of the condom before asking, "Best you ever had?"

"Don't get too excited," Maria said, "my sample size is one."

He blinked at her, then asked, "You were a virgin?"

"Of fucking course not, I'm fifty-eight," Maria said. Bones, imagine if she'd gone all that time not getting laid at all. "But it was all, you know, with women. As a man. Or, trying to be a man," she said, even though that wasn't necessarily right either. "It wasn't very...I kind of checked out, you know?"

He nodded, jerkily.

"Yeah, I bet you do," Maria said softly. She expected there were a lot of folks who survived being around Boris Kasharik by checking out of what they were doing. "Anyway, they weren't really what I would call good times."

"But this was."

She grinned at him. "Very good," she said. "You wanna do it again sometime, I'd be real happy to oblige."

He looked at her for a moment before he said, "I'd like that."

*

>dam kid, you undersold it

>is sex sposed to be that good??? was i doin it rong???

>i mean i was, i was fuckin girls an kinda not there for it but holy SHIT

Jaz giggled. "What?" Daniil asked. Jaz angled zeir com so Daniil could read it. Daniil did so, then laughed. "Blood, really? I mean, good job, I guess."

"I guess I should have figured I was helping two people with weird sex baggage," Jaz said, sending Maria back an assortment of celebratory pictograms. "Not just one."

"Probably," Daniil said. "Most trans women on this planet are not going to have a long and storied career as a slutty townie."

"So sad," Jaz said, shaking zeir head.