#Once again I am in trouble
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Me: *has the urge to flirt*
Also Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING STOP THAT RIGHT NOW THAT IS A DEFINITE NO
#*sigh*#constantly having to rein myself in#bold me needs to learn how to stick to the script and stay in their lane#which is in the back and out of sight#And can only come out for very mild sarcasm and teasing#it's low key scary the fact that my impulse control is so weak right now#God help me#Once again I am in trouble#lesbian#wlw#personal#day in the life of a striped wolf#funny#gay panic
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When your medic leaves to go pocket another man or something
#god I’m sorry the quality is so SHOT I could not figure how to fix it- you must take him as is 😔#tf2#team fortress 2#tf2 heavy#high effort shitpost once again#I had this idea for forever but was too scared to open up Vegas after so long#it only took me a few hours it turns out#most of it spent trying to trouble shoot things ugh#I am not meant for the editing world 😔#they don’t love you like I love you#wait 🖐️#they don’t love you like I I love youuuuuu#heavymedic#kinda- implied
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Beware the Whisker Wizard!
(Based on this post)
#wizard#I believe the cat's actual name is Doja and the original post is from instagram @dojathedevonrex#Remember that the most powerful wiazrd spell of all time is Citing Your Sources.#I am once again in Stackedbirds' debt for the wizard posts. And what a treat this one was!#I love drawing silly cats and I love drawing wizards!!! The perfect drawing assignment!#Cats really do have a terrible power to negate the threat level of important tasks with their cuddles.#You may have important things to do. But the cat just sat on your lap and started to purr. The task is now lower priority.#Perhaps all cats are secretly warlocks cursed into compact form. They attempt to cast charm person on us and we let it happen.#They have fairly weak attack spells against humans (unless it lands a crit and then you're in trouble) so they specialized in charisma.#There's no way they are using INT as a spell casting modifier. DEX imaybe.#I could draw cat wizards all day - this is a dangerous rabbit hole for me to go down.#If you have a particularly wizardly cat...Please....please show them to me.
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man what is this
#now im not like trying to apply a nuclear family dynamic on our beloved non-normative family#but someone once said regis is like the mom of the hanza and . yeah i see it. trusted confidant and advisor role. yeah#for the B-plot and one filled with coincidences i always am surprised at how planned out geralt's storyline seems in tower of the swallow#i feel like sapkowski didn't have as much of an exact plan as he had a roadmap (maybe a literal one) with stops they would hit along the wa#those stops being character development or turning points or specific figures they meet#angouleme not supposed to stick around is so funny to me because it's like he forgot to plan a scene where they get rid of her#so he was like you know what. shes a funny girl. dandelion is going to bail in a bit. we will have a vacancy#but what i was saying. the characterization for cahir regis and milva seems planned out in tower of the swallow as a continuation#they start travelling as a group you know... idk. i like it. ttos company dynamic pre-angouleme feels special#and then their world gets flipped turned upside down (again)#and id like to take a minute just sit right there ill tell you how i became a countess in a town called beauclair#frroooooooom west cintra born and raised in a distant relative's household is where i spent most of my days#chilling out maxing relaxing all cool and shooting at some crows outside of the school#when a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in my neighborhood (that's the nilfgaardian empire btw)#the elbow-high diaries#geregis#book: tower of the swallow#excerpt
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Surely no one can tell I've been putting off doing the Living Memory part of the story....
#Z speaks#Next one isn't even actually in LM#but like............ I'm both not looking forward to and very much looking forward to doing it#Do I want to experience the sheer terror I felt the whole time I was there? No.#But do I want to get to some of the really heavy hitting impactful parts? YES.#Anyway I'm working on poses rn for the next part#well.... more poses. I've had it drafted and had a few poses done for a while now#I've just been super wiped out after work and on my days off lately#so I've been having trouble finding the time and motivation to do it.#Once again though if I want to get to the parts I'm super looking forward to#I must first do some parts that I am looking forward to less. v.v
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LINE READING SO DEVASTATING I NEED TO DIE ABOUT IT
#THE WAY POND'S FACE GOES FROM CLOSED OFF AND ANTAGONISTIC TO SLIGHTLY CONFUSED AND OPENLY VULNERABLE#[CLAWS MY FACE OFF AND THROWS IT INTO THE OCEAN]#i didn't add phum in the poll about my faves because we still have four episodes left and palm was already there but#GOD I LOVE THIS BOY SO MUCH#I COULD TALK ABOUT HIM FOR DAYS#and it's just so interesting how up until this point you buy into that mask of cool popular asshole he has been wearing around peem#and when in the first episode q says 'i've heard he's a top brat' and chain adds 'nobody messes with him unless they want trouble'#you're like yeah that checks out#and it's not like that's not true because phum can be all that#but also it makes you think about how people must have treated him in the past#not just his parents but his peers as well once he got back to thailand#because he puts that mask on with everyone when at his core he is actually such a soft boy who feels so much#toey used to get bullied and he took him under his wing#he learns that peem waited for him and feels so bad he keeps asking for forgiveness#the story started because phum wouldn't say sorry to peem but now the sorrys and the thank yous are like a second language to him#AND IDK WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS OR WHAT AM I EVEN SAY I JUST KNOW I HAVE SOOOOO MANY FEELINGS ABOUT PHUM#IM ONCE AGAIN ASKING FOR HELP#we are the series#m: txt
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strap in for this week's fic flavor: the failsafe episode of season one of the young justice cartoon except the simulation just won't. fuckin. end.
(fics that inspired this at the end)
If I ever did sit down to make my own fic, I'd split it in 3 parts:
The Simulation: bits and pieces of the 40 years Dick lives after most everyone he knows has died
The Return: the immediate aftermath and healing from the trauma of having not-quite-actually lived a whole life only to wake up and find out it was all fake. nothing traumatizing about that whatsoever.
The Unintended Consequence: aka the twist I'd love to add and would hint to in the second part - finding out the simulation, through martian mind fuckery, pulled from the real world (and in many cases, from real minds). Dick meets a bunch of people he didn't think were real outside the confines of his simulated life. A bunch of rowdy, heroism-inclined teens across the years get to meet the sibling/friend/mentor figure they all dreamed up one night.
(actual idea snippets under the cut)
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Dick Grayson is 14 and most of the world's heroes have died. He planned a suicide mission that left him the sole survivor of a doomed team he helped found. The invasion may have been stopped, but is this really the price he wanted to pay?
The first face he sees in the infirmary is Roy's, and he has to close his eyes and just breathe for a few minutes because for one painful moment he'd thought it was Wally. But this isn't the world where his best friend miraculously survived alongside him. This is the one where he got his best friend killed and didn't even give him the courtesy of following behind him. Behind them.
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Dick Grayson is 27 and has lived longer without Bruce than with him. The invasion's anniversary is always a tough day for him, but that morning seems especially harrowing. He'll get shit for it later, but can't resist stepping out onto the balcony of the manor's master bedroom (Bruce's old bedroom) for a smoke -- his first since he'd promised to quit if Jason, just 15 then, did too.
"Bad habits tend to pile up," he'd said, a rueful quirk to his tired grin. He'd tapped the cigarette twice on the railing and added, lower, "and this one's especially nasty, huh."
He inhales, watches the sun creep across the horizon, and lets acrid smoke burn through his lungs for a long moment before blowing it out in a small cloud. His eyes water, but he doesn't cough. It tastes just as bad as it did the first time he smoked one, not even a year after the invasion and treading water as Robin proved insufficient.
There hadn't been enough heroes to go around then, and Dick had been trained by one of the best. It hadn't been fair, but it had been his plan that had ultimately stopped the invasion. His shoulders everyone's expectations fell on.
He takes another drag, then smudges the lit end against the rail he's leaned on when he hears a boot scuff purposefully against the roofing above him.
"Todd and Pennyworth will be upset with you."
He doesn't turn around. Damian doesn't jump down to join him.
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Dick Grayson is 54 and wakes up in a room full of ghosts. He hears his long-dead father-figure tell his long-dead team about a simulation they weren't meant to win. A training exercise gone wrong and only half a day spent under their mentors' careful, if slightly panicked, supervision.
He looks at his hands, watching the way his gloves crease when he flexes them in and out of tight fists. He looks at his team, their eyes a little haunted but shoulders slumped with relief even as they grumble. Batman's heavy, gloved hand settles on his shoulder and the weight of it is a nauseating mix of foreign-familiar.
He opens his mouth. Closes it.
Tears prick his eyes behind his domino mask, and he tells himself the suffocating, acidic void building in his chest is just some leftover side effect of the ordeal and not the grief-guilt of outliving yet another family (no matter that they hadn't been real in the end).
.
Dick Grayson is 16-going-on-56 and well used to the coincidences piling up between his simulated life and the real thing. Some of it -- missions and villains he remembers cropping up -- he's marked for Bruce to review and sort as he pleases. Some -- security for the cave, team building anecdotes, and training regimens -- he's shared with the team. And some he keeps only for himself.
Tim is one of those. He knows it's not fair to the kid (so much smaller now than he ever was when Dick lived his simulated life), but he can't help being selfish just for this. Tim is the one kid he's sure he didn't make up, and if Dick's taken to babysitting the kid just to be near at least one member of the family he built for himself in the wake of the worst days of his life .... Well, anyone who says shit about it can happily stand in line to have their teeth kicked in.
Despite this, it still catches him off-guard when he sees a familiar face pop up in one of Bruce's reports.
Jason Todd, caught boosting tires off the batmobile, is nearly the same age now as he was when Dick met him. He stares at the words, but none of them really sink in beyond the kid's name and address. He's moving before he's even made the decision.
He's used to the world kicking him when he's down - lived it for 40 frustrating years. But he has Bruce again. And things with Tim have been so good. And he's always been selfish when it comes to family. If he could just see Jason. If he could just meet him. If he could talk to him.
If if if if if--
.
Inspirations:
Circles in Shattered Mirrors by InfinityIllusion
Fine (But Not Okay) by CharlotteDaBookworm
Verisimilitude by mutemelody
#young justice#young justice cartoon#batfam#batman#dick grayson#thoughts and headcanons#the heart wrenching inability to cope with the fact that you've lived a fully realized life#you've loved and lost and loved again in the face of every unending tragedy#until you've forcefully carved out this one little safe haven for yourself#only to be thrust back to the beginning of one of your greatest traumas - esp one you're partly responsible for!#gotta love it#anyway i am and always have been obsessed with dick grayson and no one can stop me#the simulation was fake but some psychic bs means real world elements filtered in#cue several children with weird dream-memories of half-lived experiences and a massive sense of deja-vu#when they wade into the superhero world#all i can picture is the spiderman pointing meme but it's the batkids at dick lol#my favorite idea is that once Dick gets his grubby hands on Jason and Tim it's all over from there#he's pulling late nights and researching and scouring facial recognition databases until he finds his kids#(he blurs the lines a lot when it comes to considering them his siblings vs kids#on the one hand they're not super far apart in age bar Damian#on the other he hasn't been a kid in any meaningful way since he was 14 and he very nearly raised half of them in some way#(plus side to an au is that i can space the ages out more as needed compared to the show haha)#jason and cass are firmly siblings close as they are to his age#steph tim and duke fluctuate depending on how in trouble or injured they are#i will die by dick being damian's dad tho lmao#babs is more platonic life partner than sibling but very firmly family regardless#this is the dick grabs on to any shred of family he can with both hands and drags them in kicking and screaming if he has to au
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Bloodborne is so cool I wish blood was real
#my art#micolash host of the nightmare#laurence the first vicar#bloodborne choir#bloodborne#bloodborne fanart#brain-dead doodles for your troubles#these got done surprisingly quickly. where is that power when I need it#I am once again pushing my academic rivalry agenda
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I want to write I want to make girls be weird about each other in MY word docs I want to have creative projects and goals againn :/
#but i am. so tired#i also don't want it to be something i'm forcing myself through because i feel like that always backfires#this year to me has really been about figuring out what is actually important to me and in what ways i can push myself to grow without#sending myself back to square one again#i can kind of feel myself gearing up to create things again and have wants and goals again but it is sooo slow#absolutely everything wipes me out mentally which i guess it always did but now i can like. comprehend it!#i know what is happening in there but i am so clumsy at working around it. i hadn't practiced that a lot before#it's taking like multiple years to recover from stuff that other people seem to recover from easily#it's sooo annoying and it's not really about feeling like i wasted my 20s anymore#i am where i am it was my life and i spent it the way i did so far. i just can't change that#it's more about like Wanting to do so many things and feeling like there is the potential for so much and feeling held back by my own self#there are so many things i want to try now that i'm doing more than bare minimum surviving and it's like i want them all at once#but i can't possibly do them all at least not yet there just is not time or energy or money to do them all right away#i have trouble prioritizing
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sorry if you've already mentioned but what (re?)ignited your love of comics/x-men/cherik? curious because there are so many different adaptations of them
i think im gonna speak for a few (or a lot of) people when i say that TL;DR the wolverine x deadpool movie that came out this summer is what pulled me back into comics and i COULD leave it there but i will go into excruciating and unnecessary detail instead because i love an origin story and i love oversharing.
under the cut tho because im nice sometimes (there's also wxdp doodles in here. if you want to see that)
ironically (and probably commonly), growing up i was more of an avengers kid. Kinda. Loosely <- binge watched the cartoons and movies and read copious amounts of comics and fics and i am hoarding fanart in my old dresser as we speak ok 'loosely' is a modest lie.
embarrassingly i remember getting into discus cause of captain america LMAO so yeah needless to say i was a Humble Fan- me joining my school's comic class/club didnt help either (shoutout to my teach from that she was the realest one out there for. A Multitude of reasons). she definitely is was inspires me to even draw still and make comics and i often think bout the tips i learned from her class tbh she was great
back to the movies t and comics tho, i got into em because my brother would offer to take me and that's how we'd hang out (i rarely saw movies in theaters and i even more rarely went anywhere as a teenager. still kinda like that today tbh ooops) and yk. it just snowballed after that.
my brother and i have always liked comics- he just more than me for a while (though he still very much loves comics and As We Know From My Posts we still talk about them whenever i see him To An Exhausting Degree)
durin then i was really into stony and i have a few surviving doodles i made but those are between me and god. and anyone who asks tbh LOL
'snap can you make this related to x-men again this is long' ok so fast forward to This Summer again I Still Don't Really See Movies but my brother offered to take me and this was the first time i'd actually seen an x-men movie in full
as a kid i only remember seeing the 'perfection' scene between erik and raven in first class while i was channel surfing. pretty sure i changed the channel after seeing mystique naked cause i was scared my parents would get mad at me if they caught me watching it LOL
BUT MOVING ON As A Kid i think it's also natural you'll sometimes watch 92 if it's on And I Did though evidently it didn't stick too hard (i do remember really liking beast and gambit though.... still do really): my knowledge of x-men was. INCREDIBLY sparse. like diabolically so so i didnt have too much expectations (aside from the fact i vaguely liked deadpool beforehand).
tbh i dont know why my bro never took me to see any of the x-men movies. it's not like he doesn't Also like x-men (90% sure nightcrawler's his favorite but my brother will be caught dead saying he has absolute favorites like that)- he owns a bitch load of deadpool comics/omnibus sets too (of which ive read over the years and reread this year) but Shrug moving on
Much Like Most Of The Internet i fell down the rabbit hole that way. i have some doodles i made a couple days after seeing WxDP that i now have an excuse to throw at all of you Look And Perceive
and so. As I Do. i got curious and told myself i'd binge watch all the x-men movies the week before i went back to school And Then I Did ft. My Brother Sometimes and then i said i'd binge watch all of '92 and And I Did That ft. My Brother Sometimes But Less So and now we're here. currently watching Evolution...
once i got to school i realized i lived near a comic shop and started getting into the comics that way (the first ones i got since going down this rabbit hole was Magneto Was Right!, The Resurrection of Magneto, and The Trial of Magneto. if you were curious !!!!! clearly i didnt care too much about context i just needed to see My Guy jelvejlkvj i have no regrets and Evidently ive read more since)
i'm pretty sure what dragged me into cherik specifically was the fact i saw a clip of The Famous ending to 92 where erik's aghast at the notion jean even has to question his love for charles. i think that was what officially had me refocus my lens on them: not a single poolverine thought after that LOL (all the cherik posting i saw on twitter definitely helped too but that was the nail in the coffin for any other interests i had: i was locked into cherik and x-men in general now)
that clip specifically, i was surprised at the fact they- frequently even- have the x-men franchise say erik loves charles and vice versa so bluntly. even if it's not meant to be romantic, i fear im just a fan of how casually the word's thrown around with them two and i got tender bout it all. Then Yk. i just live for the drama. the hilarity even. the sincerity .... they make me sick if i think of them too long so im gonna end it here
before i go tho ironically enough, the first x-men issue i owned was This one (story a this is that while stuck in some wacko dimension charles accidentally gets himself trapped in logan's mind while utilizing his astral projection. if you were curious). pretty sure i got it for free with another comic set i got years ago since our old comic shop loved to do that, but it's poetic aint it. maybe ill doodle something referencing it..
i should probably look into finishing this arc someday im Dummy curious to even know how it started and how it ends.....
#snap chats#usually this onea them posts i ramble bout in the tags but i have photos and this is Long long so .. i use the main body for once ...#sorry i gave a biography but i never talk to people and i also love typing. im one of those party can-of-worms i fear#i feel like i could talk about this forever because x-men itself has never been super prominent in my childhood#it was just kinda there in the background BUT comics themselves have always been with me. theyre a keystone to me i think#but yeah. x-men definitely sticks a lot harder than avengers does now OOPS this is not me taking shots i am just SAYING#i have a lot of old marvel doodles tbh .. i found an old deadpool one i remember drawing with my bro during a car ride#kinda funny how much my bro and i bond i dont think of it much but I Guess thats another reason why comics are special to me#we dont bond much- i dont bond with my fam in general tbh we're kinda. Isolated in a way LOL so its cool we're tight at least#if you wanna go deeper bout Comics And My Family my dad really liked comics growing up- more dc tho maybe#apparently he used to draw hulk a lot but if he did those drawings are loooong gone.. at least i know who to blame for me drawing#he loves superman tho. i remember id get embarrassed watching superhero cartoons and superman was on screen when he was around#for some reason i thought id get in trouble if he caught me watching superman but when he did once he was real happy so. tf wrong with me#he loves to say hes superman a lot and id be like Dad... Stop... LMAO but in the cheesiest way possible he do be my hero so. accurate ig#but yeah thats my origin story for why i like comics again thank you for reading if you actually read all that#and sorry it got all sappy Unfortunately i be like that sometimes. i am very emotionally constipated and i over explain a lot#ok i fr gonna end it here im gonna keep going by accident if i thinka any longer and i have stuff i still have to do
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The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna Are not very pure or true.
Or, Chapter 12 of Lauren’s backstory is here.

YEAG I made a post abt this elsewhere but…lil hiatus! Dk when I’ll be back but, I will be lol! Might reformat how I make these posts as well whilst I’m at it… we’ll see…..
#I am once again too exhausted to do an illustration#s I c k#also period double trouble yay#but we carry on#anyways this chaoter is a good stopping point so! yeah#hope u guys enjoye#hilda#hilda the series#netflix hilda#hilda netflix#art#my art#digital art#fanart#doodle#drawing#Lauren hilda#Hilda lauren#Hilda anders#anders Hilda#Hilda johanna#Johanna hilda#plenism spoilers#Hilda spoilers#Hilda season 3#Hilda season 3 spoilers#Hilda’s father#fanfic#my fanfic#my writing
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I hate letting shitty people take up real estate in my brain, but sometimes the bastards refuse to leave.
#thinking once again about the dude i met on a dating app#who went on a red flag speed run for 2 weeks#before deciding that i was too much trouble and he was still in love with his ex#and informing me that i needed to accept that in my position a relationship was a pipe dream#but also we could totally still be fuck buddies if i was up for it#like#i am very aware that schmuck is not worth the mental energy#but the gall to be like 'oh yeah all my free time is devoted to my kids and my ex-wife that i am not in any way over'#'but your familial responsibilities and lack of a car means you're the problem'#'and also means you should accept you'll never find anyone who'll like you enough to make any compromise for your situation'#'anyway wanna watch me jerk off?'#like jesus christ dude#thoughts and prayers for your ex#also the same guy who declared being lonely surely did not bother me as much as him bc by now i was 'used to it'#no great loss#but for about a day and a half it was nice to think a reasonably attractive guy would be interested in me#but y'know#pipe dream right?
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current goal: survive
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I have finally hit 30k on my current book draft and this section is roughly outlined to my liking and I have worked out a number of later plot kinks in the process and truly, if I can get through this and the next section before the New Year, I might actually stand a chance of finishing this thing with some efficiency. And thank FUCK.
#really the trouble is gonna be when class starts up again. but that's for later megs to deal with.#however if I can miraculously get through three next THREE sections before the new year I'll be done like two weeks into January.#wouldn't THAT be a miracle#megs is writing#for real this time!!!#it's wild too cuz like... this feels like a first draft but technically it's a fourth#so it's possible I won't even need to do THAT much editing once it's done#we'll see but#the farther I go the more I'm like. okay okay okay.#while simultaneously being convinced I'm gonna fuck it up on the next scene but#also the more text that i know doesn't have to be tossed entirely the easier it is to also be like 'okay but rewriting one scene is fine'#ANYWAY i am once again overachieving on writing goals but i am also once again feeling like overachieving is REALISTIC#and what a miracle that is after this fucking year#uggggh i also gotta start learning python tho FUCK
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Is my discomfort with my boobs gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, or just a general discomfort with the sensations of having a human body that comes with possible neurodivergency
#ramblings#it's probably all three tbh#it's not severe. like i can live with this. it's fine#but also i generally wish i had a flatter chest#every time i imagine myself in my head i see myself with a flatter chest#but like do i wanna go through the trouble of getting rid of them entirely#or should i just try getting a binder or something#or should i just. leave things as they are#idfk#i don't think top surgery would be an option bc money and. i'm scared of surgery honestly#and the recovery looks painful as shit#and like what if i regret it? what if i was wrong and that wasn't the best option for me?#i think i should just try to get a binder or something. just see how that works for me#and contemplate surgery when i'm older and can support myself and am more sure of whether that's right for me or not#also i'm. hesitant to call it anything bc again it's not really that severe#it's like. a thought that occassionally crosses my mind. at least once a day.. and doesn't leave for a while....#hm yeah no maybe it's not as mild as i thought it was actually. wonderful realization to come to in the middle of writing a post#anyways. idk if anyone has any binder recs or anything i'll take 'em#also maybe tips on how to approach my mom abt this?? idk if feels like something i should talk abt with her but idk how to even bring it up
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Why are meds worse then the mental illnesses they're trying to treat
#i have that delightful bipolar#and when i was younger i got on meds and they were great and i had no side effects and it was great#but then i moved out of service and didnt have a doctor and so i went sbout s yesr unmedicated#and you cant just jump back into a full dose of these. so ive been working my way back to a workable dose#and now theyre making me feel like verifiable shit. i have to assume its the meds#bcuz the effects start an hour or so after i take my daily dose#i feel like im high but the evil version. i know that doesnt make sense#brainfog. body doesnt want to move. having trouble staying awake. nausea. and now mild chest pain#someone put me out of my misery please#blessedly i see my psychiatrist on tuesday#but im so frustrated with medications. when i was younger i went through quite a few while i was being diagnosed#i started with an antidepressant that out me into a manic episode. although at the time we didnt know i was bipolar#then a med that caused (cant remember the actual name but) swelling around my heart (had to take so much ibuprofen and wear a heart monitor)#then i got on this mood stabilizer that works kind of. once they tried to add an antidepressant bcuz i have so much depression#but that caused mania again babey!! so we stopped that#i had one anxiety med that just knocked me out long into the next day. cant be anxious if youre in a coma#then an anxiety med that dropped my blood pressure real bad which is not ideal. i just dont take anxiety meds anymore#and now restarting this one. side effects. yippee. i wiuldnt mind being mentally ill if only the medication process wasnt so shitty#i was sitting up on my bed trying to eat but it was too hard for my hand to move the fork to my mouth#i was just staring at my bowl of food and not even really processing it. so i layed down and here I am#just trying to stay alive ig. im gonna take a covid test to rule that out but it seems to flare up right after taking my meds#pray for me to survive until Tuesday when i see my psychiatrist
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