#Notes to Self

[oysters-aint-for-me]

tips on refrigerator ownership for the mentally ill

1.) letting food go bad does NOT make you a Bad Person.

2.) it is okay to throw out only one thing at a time. even especially if there are a lot of expired things in there.

3.) give yourself permission to throw out tupperware once in a while.

[creatingnikki]

another year is ending and I want you to know that it is okay if you:

have not healed from the things that happened/did not happen from six months ago. just because the year is ending it does not mean your grief is too.

don't have any "fun" NYE plans to ring in the new year. this life is yours to live across days and months and years, and you can celebrate days other than the ones heavily marketed and shoved down your throat to shroud you in severe FOMO.

have no resolutions or goals for 2024 laid out in elaborate lists or shared on social media or with your friends. you are braving through this life trying to do your best every day and hold the fort and so of course you know, deep down you know what is needed from you for you going forward and of course you are going to work in that direction. good luck love.

have not become a "better" version of yourself by any of the tangible or conventional measures. that kind of bettering is mostly to serve others, not yourself.

are not happy with yourself/your life as it is now. you're a work-in-progress, remember? and if you're progressing in a direction you do not like, then it's time to change the blueprints and the strategy.

take time off social media around this time to protect your mental health and whatever little joy you have managed to keep.

don't want to spend too much time reflecting on how this past year went and doing various forms of 2023-wrapped. again, it's your life. you can also revisit this year in memories and pictures and feelings whenever you'd like. it's not like you don't still visit 2012, 2017, and 2022, right?

feel disconnected from your friends, family, lover. I know this is "ideally" a time to be celebrated with your loved ones. but life is not ideal, is it? it's just life. and if right now you are not feeling the love, the joy, or just don't have the headspace or social energy to engage , that's alright.

are finding comfort in simpler things like a TV show from the 90s or that book you first read at sixteen or that slice of strawberry cake or a random post like this you come across.

don't feel hopeful, encouraged, or excited for 2024. given everything that's happened in the last couple of years, on the macro and micro level, it's only natural for you to feel weary as well as wary. when the good things happen, when the healing happens, when things begin working in your favour over time, you will automatically feel all those things. it's okay if until then you choose to be neutral.

[angels-of-horror]

Reminder that you can wholeheartedly love your system and sysmates and still have days where you feel tired of being a system. Sometimes being a system makes hard days easier, but sometimes it makes them harder, and that’s okay too.

[888notes]

Trust in the universe, the redirections and perceived setbacks. Everything is always working out in your favor

[museaway]

"I have to get it right the first time!"

why? why do you have to get it right the first time? what's actually going to happen if your words aren't in the absolute perfect order before you move on to the next sentence? you aren't showing the draft to anyone. this is why we have the editing and revision process. perfection is a trap that keeps you from making progress. dare I say it's rooted in fear? let it go. allow yourself to be imperfect.

[kindnotestoself]

[You cannot hate yourself into becoming a person you love.]

[spring-sage]

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

—Maya Angelou

[professionalfacesitter]

Step out of survival mode baby girl you deserve it 💕💕💕

[thebibliosphere]

In an attempt to combat the ADHD trauma I have over rewriting Phangs (and, y'know, the general trauma that was happening to me while writing it), my therapist has been getting me to vocalize the moments I enjoy writing in the hopes that it'll create happy associations for my brain. Sort of like affirmations, I suppose.

Except I've no one to talk to right now, and I hate saying things out loud to myself, so I'm just going to note this here for my brain to stumble over later:

I'm really happy with how sweet and tender Nathan and Ursula's courtship is (and maybe laughing at Ursula's frustration). And I'm also really happy with how chaotic Vlad and Ursula are together, and I'm excited for my readers to enjoy it.

[saddbitchposts]

Understand, if it didn’t work before it won’t work now. Stop letting people back in where they don’t belong.

[forfoxessake]

Pre-Bullets release radio interview

Gerard talks about the meaning of the songs, Honey is about Mikey's ex and switches POVs with him during the song ("You Can't keep my brother")

Being friends with Geoff and Alex before forming the band.

They all had been in bands before, and their favorite band to play with had been Pencey Prep (but they now had one of their band members in the band <3).

Alex says Gerard has comic lyrics, he writes like he is telling a story. G says one of his inspirations is Tom Waits.

Learning how to sing properly with Geoff.

The tooth incident during recording.

Frank barely talks (we can hear his giggles) but in the end, he says he just wants to accomplish something that it touches people.

Gerard's favorite songs to play live are Headfirst for Halos (he can dance!) and Our Lady of Sorrows.

[creatingnikki]

why do I need constant reassurance? multiple forehead kisses and a good morning text. being checked in on and constantly being in the loop with your whereabouts. a good night text even after we had a 2-hour call before bed. why? I don't remember being this way before. sure, I've always known to be more of a anxious attachment style person and I know I have abandonment issues. but I never felt this in need of reassurance. this constant presence and expression of your existence and feelings. and in the books and in the movies and even in the poetry, they say things like the right person would give it to you. the hundred forehead kisses and the thousandth reassurance. that the person who really loves you and cares about you would do it all. but the truth is, it's both a yes and no. the willingness will be there most times but what about the ability? a lot of times that may not be there. why? because they too are living a whole life with work and family and their own emotions and needs. so they can be there for you a lot of the times but all the time? no. that's unfair and unreasonable. and you aren't that, are you? unfair or unreasonable? so, please learn to calm your mind. don't let your emotions fluctuate so quickly. if three hours ago you felt so very loved by them, not hearing back from them for a few hours shouldn't make you feel abandoned or unloved. take a deep breath and drink your coffee and go look at the sky and finish your work and text your friend and dance to that old song and finish that cake and remember that you are loved — by him, by others, by the universe. I'm not forcing you to loveeeee yourself. I'm just reminding you that you are in fact very loved.

[jjinpang]

Take 3.5. Take 2 and 3 here

[888notes]

everything you desire is already happening now, in the present moment. trust in the unfoldment and be ready to receive

[ub-sessed]

For my daughter's 17th birthday I made a cake with all the flowers that Ophelia mentions in Hamlet.

Not my best work, but I've had a lot of other stuff going on.

Notes to self:

Practise with the actual icing you're going to use?

Make sure you have all the tips you need before you start! I have like 50 icing tips but somehow I didn't have the two main ones I actually needed.

Practise beforehand! Like, not on the day you're icing the cake. (I knew this already but didn't have time.)

Get a third coupler. Maybe even a fourth.

You are no longer healthy enough to do all of this in one day. Bake the cake the day before!

[foervraengd]

adhd protip:

if you need to do cleaning. Focus on one room at a time.

pros: you dont have to think about all the other stuff in the other rooms. You will return to the same room thus reducing the risk at forgetting your task goal when entering it. You will feel 23% less overwhelmed because you can only think of one room.

also start with collecting all the dishes. Then throw away anything that is essentially trash.

cons: you now have cleaned only one room.