#Not that I even have the time to play bc of assignments
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BAND AUS AND MUSIC MY BREAD AND BUTTER. HERE ARE SOME IDEAS:
- tomura is defo a lead singer
- toga, at first, is skilled in being a keyboardist/pianist... but she enjoys singing A LOT more
^ regular singing BUT ALSO... hear me out... scream singing too bc her in s7... 😁😁😁
- not really emo, but i feel like they have an a lot like birds esc style in their singing styles. tomura fits kurt and toga fits cory lockwood (ex: orange time machines care by allb)
-since toga wouldn't be their keyboardist though, perhaps... compress on keyboard.
^ he gives the silliest ideas for songs that just WORK. think a random slow jazz part in a song. he has to write that part tho, but toga, twice, and magne are all super into it.
^ (ex: "doing the same things and expecting different results" by hail the sun @ 1:56)
^ dabi, tomura are against it at first, and spinner is a little unsure abt it. but when the song is finished, they like it. begrudgingly for dabi
- dabi... he gives me bassist vibes. idk why, but he also does backing vocals occasionally. i think he'd specifically sound like the part in again by sufferer (2:35)
^ also totally gives me vibes that he knows how to play violin or something, only because endeavor pressured him into playing in orchestra in school
^ definitely joined the band and learned how to play bass JUST to piss him off, ended up liking it a lot
-spinner on lead guitarist and magne is an additional guitarist (most bands usually have 2 reg guitarists and 1 bassist)
- TWICE ON DRUMS. drumming takes strength and stamina, which i feel like he has and also just Gives Off drummer vibes to me
^ throws his drumsticks to the crowd for ppl to have LOL, gives broken cymbals to em too
additional ideas + other villains:
- tomura is passionate about music, and his dad knows afo who owns a record label 🤢 they sign to his label it SUCKS.
- they meet giran and kurogiri there. kurogiri is their manager, giran is their producer and helps scout out band members for tomura's band
^ they teach tomura how to book shows, so they don't have to spend the extra money to order to hire a booking manager
- muscular was their drummer for a short time (afo assigned him the role), but his attitude and behavior towards the band caused him to be kicked out
^ because of this, twice is apart of their touring crew and helps them set up on stage since muscular is the drummer. but occasionally he takes over if they need him to
^ kurogiri had to go to afo and explain that muscular not being kicked out would hurt the band, AND his business. thats why he agreed to muscular being kicked out
other villains + their bands:
- stain is also in a band... he's a singer that can drum too. he drums and sings. but i think his style is definitely more like zeta's (venezuelan rock band). idk who his bandmates would be tho sorgy
^ inspires toga/dabi/spinner/whoever else to actually pursue music.
- both bands tour together, with the lov as openers for stain's band! stain and tomura don't get along, but fans love when they tour together.
^ they would both hate overhaul's band though if he had one, thats the only time they bond 😭
- the shie hassaikai hypothetical band is that they have aesthetic perfection or iamx vibes...
- overhaul is their lead singer, chrono is on keyboard/synth and setsuno is a guitarist, hojo is a bassist, and rappa is their drummer
- tengai is their manager briefly, but i think it'd be funny is they signed under afo's label and forces them to have lady nagant as their manager 😭 so tengai becomes their booking agent
^ she gets along with them though. somewhat.
- if we wanna get even MORE specific abt villain bands... the meta liberation army's having thank you scientist vibes. they have a jazz/prog-rock style
- the only ideas i got for them though is curious on violin, skeptic and geten on electric guitar, trumpet on... trumpet LOL. redestro as bassist and singer, tokoname (slidin go) on drums, and sanctum on sax
^ i had to research the mla and the band to see what instruments they played and would fit 😭😭😭
anyways thats all i got, sorry this got long. i go nutso boingo for music/bands 😁
The League of Villains should've just been a band. They would've made such banger emo music.
#my hero academia#mha#the league of villains#hero killer stain#stain#tomura shigaraki#himiko toga#dabi#touya todoroki#jin bubaigawara#twice#magne#mha magne#spinner#shuichi iguchi#tbh im only tagging the ones i care abt#also lowkey highkey an excuse to promote some of my fave bands#ZETA + ALLB + HTS ESPECIALLY <333#giran#kurogiri#overhaul#also lowkey pissed off i made the mla band awesome because theyre like. my least favorite group of villains#skeptic and geten are ok tho#reblogs#i have GOT to shut up sorry 😭😭😭
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I’ve been following this game from the sidelines for awhile now and Im waiting on the full release before I play it (bc I think I’ll die if I play another route and then have to wait years for the Sheriffs route 😭) but lately everywhere I turn something reminds me of this game and I get so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only I’ve had one thought niggling at the back of my head for some time though, and I’ve scoured the blogs history the best I can on mobile to see if there’s an explanation, but I might just be imagining something that isn’t there? About the sprites updates, I played the original demo with the old sprites and instantly fell in love, but when I played the enhanced Demo, Marion didn’t even feel like the same person to me ~ her sprite seemed dramatically different. Is this just my own perception or was there a conscious decision in the design?
Either way, again, I’m just so excited about this game and love the world you’ve concocted!!
Hiya! Thanks for sharing your excitement with us. We totally understand that not everyone wants to play during Early Access. I'm similar myself as a player, so I get it. We just wanted to make things available for everyone who does want to play because of the development delays.
Marion's original design was what our lead artist Arrapso envisioned with just a character description at the very beginning of development. She was the first character who was designed for the game. Her new design is Arrapso's vision of the character after getting to know her through the demo and prologue text.
I love both designs, but I do find the new design easier to use when assigning different emotions to the sprite (her base expression is more neutral in nature). It also brings the sprite version of Marion closer to the CG/logo art version. So there was no deep change in who Marion is as a person between the two sprites, more an evolution of how Arrapso envisioned the character's looks along with the change in art style. As the writer of the character, I approved of the evolution and am very happy with her new art.
Hope that helps!
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Good afternoon gamers!!! I miss F.inal F.antasy. I miss it a lot-
#pan rambles#I haven't played some in a hot minute and I'm crumbling-afibsfjsndi#I miss it a lot...#So much I've been struggling to get the motivation to continue Y.akuza 0-afisbkfsn#Not that I even have the time to play bc of assignments#But still#I miss it!!!#Maybe I'll try to play some Octopath in ky free time#I just missed my turned based battles#It's also why I think I'll prefer I.chiban's games over Kiryu (Minus the crush)#I love hitting things by pressing random buttons!! It Can be real satisfying! But Gameplay Wise. Kiryu isn't my favorite to play as-#It's not as fun for me compared to other games-ajfnsjdsn#Which is a shame bc story wise? I'm enjoying it!#It's just gameplay that kinda isn't my favorite sometimes#Anyways back to assignments! I'll work real hard so I can find the time to play Octopath!#I'll always prefer anime men over realistic looking men (The aro kicks in harder sometimes when they look realistic)
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Ouhhhh friendship I love friendship……..
#I’m reading volumes 14-16 of the ouran manga OOUGHHH MY HEART#I love this weird little friend group so much its unreal#like u have this charming sweeps you off your feet prince but he’s actually a huge lovable idiot with a kind heart and his friends#who are all misfits that he reached out to and drew in because of his kindness and own weirdness like that shits TIGHT BRO#and the trauma part where he has some deep seated issues with love bc he thinks that itll break a family apart like with his mom#how his family isnt allowed to be together because his mom and dad fell in love and how he says he wants to build a big house#so that way one day everyone will get along as a family like. all he wants is not to lose everyone and the only way to do that is#by maintaining a certain order.. he both wants a complete family so bad and doesnt want anything to sour between anyone#so he assigns each of his friends a family role based on how he sees them and YEAH its mostly played for giggles and tamakis#already weird so its his way of showing theyre close to him but. god damn this boy has LAYERS#it also feels kinda meta towards how found family tends to get thrown around to assign characters as 'siblings' or family roles instead of#using it to describe characters who are close enough to be each others family. cuz tamakis doing that EXACT THING in a way tht#ties in with his character and i have to say its fascinating using that within the story itself and its completely plausible#theres a lot of things i can say about ouran that are good bad and questionable but. god i love it when characters are niceys to each other#i remember i really liked the mall episode bc kyoya and haruhi got to spend time together and their relationship isnt very close#but it was really nice to see their personalities bounce off each other. i think i also wouldve liked to see haruhi alone with kaoru#i also firmly believe all of the hosts are at least a little in love with haruhi and this can be anything like endearing romantic cuz like#who DOESNT love haruhi. kyoya i think would want to study her under a microscope like his fascination with her draws him in#but im fucking obsessed with whatever haruhi and tamaki have going on because YES hes obsessed with her YES he jumps at the chance to#put her in a cute costume but haruhi? she just fucking goes with it because she knows hes fun to be around even if hes a little wacky abt i#theyre all so. NNGGHHHH#ouran#ohshc#yapping
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i genuinely cannot stand being around ppl who have to take their anger out on others . i'm so sick of always having to act like the bigger person to my Older brother while he can just tornado around my entire life & belongings & relationships without warrant all over smthing that had absolutely nothing to do with you or anyone, rlly.
#but HE runs and tells on ME?#i was just going to let shit blow over#lock myself away as fucking alwys like when we were little and he would cuss up a fucking storm#screaming crying and throwing the shit i bought over being unable to beat a game he plays every fucking day#set on fucking Easy mode#and hes hitting a bat into the door or wrecking my shit in my room or fucking. yelling abt me to the fuckin dog#and in the 'dog's voice' making the animal agree with him bcs im? acting crazy#over a fcking video game that u cant even tell him to turn off or at least stop fucking screaming and wailing or else it'll just set it off#sooner#when dad did it he was fcking drunk and i was illegitimate#it's like i cant even fcking escape fcking hell.#hiding all my bad grades in math bcs i couldnt read a stupid fking number right bcs i didnt want ppl screaming at me#for causing even more trouble than they already have to deal with and just living as dumb bcs it costs less#ill get over it ill try harder#i always have to be the bigger fucking man and im so fucking tired of it#but how are u supposed to cut off someone youve been assigned caretaker as b4 u were even born#im so fucking exhausted#anyways so yea. im pretty sensitive to tone so if i seem like a baby to smthing i apologize#i rlly just. cant stand sme things sometimes#i love getting told i never felt like a friend to my other siblings not only bcs of our massive age gap but also theyre legitimate and#i dont drink or smoke so apparently we cant hang without them always checking the time on their phones#while im taking them out to smthing they like like it's so fun i fcking love it here#anyways yea. love zero comprehension or compassion. love it. loving my life
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some bobbles (+ two unfinished things)
#bonk.png#undescribed#exocolonist#i was a teenage exocolonist#iwatec#iwatex#anyway first thing bc its the shortest i dont think sol would actually id as anything n prefer to be unlabeled#bc of like. the timeloop stuff n every life kind of blending together BUT i think it'd be funny as hell if they were aro#n just never became aware of this bc their self reflection skills in regards to shit unrelated to the loop are That Bad#also im aro n like when characters are aro + love it when characters are kind of deranged about their friends#speaking of which madoka au! forever ago i drew the 🤝 meme with sol n homura n now im coming back to that#its not a 1 to 1 au straight up the commonalities begin n end at ''tammy & sol are kind of like madoka/homura''#stuff i got down for it in a sleep deprived haze were that sol nemmie n tangent were the only magical girls#n tammy hasnt been offered to become one nemmie n tangent arent aware that sol is a magical girl for a while#friendgroup at school is nemmie cal tammy n sol (tangent goes to a different school n is separate until she teams up with nemmie)#nemmie n tang team up bc somehow witch attacks keep being diverted from certain locations n grief seeds are disappearing#which is actually sol's doing theyre moving witches away from areas tammy will be n the grief seeds are to 1. discourage nem n tang from#fighting witches n 2. so sol can stockpile them basically bc they use timetravel a lot n need to keep their gem clean#the timeloop has progress (to an extent) its not a singular month looping its kind of like. video game save mechanics#like reloading the save u have before a bossfight n then if ur not adequately prepared reloading a save u have farther back#n then continuing on until u get stuck on a specific fight again yknow#theres more but moving on to the two unfinished things those are meant to be like a utdr au (specifically dr)#in a similar manner to the previous au of same premise n setting but different story bc theyre different characters#there's a lot less set for this au its entirely just playing in the sand n has nothing beyond vague role assignments#the first one that's like lineart in different colors is entirely scrapped bc i didnt like how it was turning out (meant to be darkworld fit#second one i struggled BADLY with marz oh my god this au is literally primarily for having fun with character designs but oh my god.#as it says there shes meant to be a modern art styled metal monster (got the metal idea from her dads' names n the modern art bc shesrefined#n sleek) but i had no actual idea how to convey that n i was trying to tackle it from a pixel art angle this time n i could notfigure it out#n then nomi nomi was super easy literally didnt even sketch them theyre a tiny pixie im sorry marz T-T#probably not gonna touch on this stuff again cause i was fixing on exo to avoid thinking about my bday but its happened so im fine now 👍
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stroking her photo fondly on my phone
#I don’t have any time to play again so this is the best i can do 🥲#hil.txt#i want to play…….and create elaborate au’s…….#i gave her my inquisitor jasmine bc aoife is a nice girl and jasmine is probably even nicer. salen would pester her too much. gwen would#intimidate the fuck out of her. it’s like assigning the correct horses to turn out together.#(waiting for my bacon to finish cooking so i can make a BLT……and then i go move stuff until my joints break. again.)
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vent incoming:
got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!
#honestly it's kind of hilarious ngl. especially bc i also got my documentary work counted as an independent study the previous semester#and the previous semester even tho i barely worked on the doc itself#(mostly just planning and putting together the crowdfunding which was still a lot of work but like compare it to the past few months)#they were willing to give me an A (my school doesn't do A+ so this is the highest mark possible)#vs this semester. like i'll admit my final assignment was late and could have been more polished#but i was literally on tour in documentary-mode 24/7 for several weeks. i filmed an entire comedy special! i put together a live interview!#not to mention having to fucking negotiate with my own college censoring the footage they'd promised me of an event i put together#and play nice with a professor who literally outed me on twitter in an attempt to cancel one of my best friends#at this point the ''B'' feels more like a petty grudge than anything else#like ok we can't get away with *actually* fucking over jessamine's grades bc clearly ze did do the work. but let's just give zir a B#like i will admit the audio quality in my final isn't great. and i could have used more polished footage in some sections#but counterpoint: 100+ students were arrested at a protest while i was editing and i was having a mental breakdown#the fact that i finished *anything* is goddamn impressive especially after they essentially conditioned me to hate myself any time i was#working on a project i loved!!!#due to the aforementioned student arrests my college did put out an option where we could change any letter grade this semester to pass/fai#so anything passing wouldn't impact our gpa if we didn't want it to. so i could just change the B to a ''pass''#but really what's the point. ''B'' is still a good grade and my GPA is fine (3.65 on a 4.0 grading scale. 2.0 is required to graduate)#it just sucks that after what i went through last semester i feel like nobody takes it seriously#i was reminiscing earlier about how it's honestly kind of funny how after that professor outed me on twitter#i was at the hotel with scott like an hour later sobbing and having an existential crisis about my relationship to gender#and scott was so supportive but also awkwardly being like#''i know i should offer the crying child a tissue but where the fuck are the tissues in this room what do i do''#and he just handed me a full-on towel instead like oh my god he was trying his best but also so clearly out of his depth#but of course i then had to remember how when i told that story to a different professor to be like ''this is how much scott cares about me#this guy called me fucking UNPROFESSIONAL for crying in front of the subject of my documentary?????????#like yeah maybe so but how DARE you call me unprofessional when a different professor tweeted my full name and gender without my consent#in an attempt to fucking cancel one of my friends for ''misgendering'' me for using pronouns i'm fine with him using!!!#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to forgive my college and i don't know how i'll be able to get through one more semester#that experience genuinely changed things about my psychology that i'm not proud of and i need to work through#so if i have to miss a goddamn kids in the hall event because i have class this november i am going to set something on fire
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Me upon realizing that I can just have an AU instead of writing an entire fanfiction about an idea I had in my head once:
#i didn't even realize this was a possibility until today#i don't want to like. write a whole fanfiction. i have an outline in the works and i theoretically COULD. but.#unfortunately i like the idea of all the random events happening in my head instead <3#and an AU means that i can just continue to throw things in whenever i want forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and THAT is the beauty of an AU i think#i also feel like it'd let me play with the worldbuilding aspects a bit more than a fanfiction????#one time i had to write a short story for class like... many moons ago...#when i say that i really mean “right before covid hit” but regardless#the story ended up being ten pages long bc i was building the world. i still think about that. like. girl?#you really put your heart and soul into 10th grade english didn't you#i remember that assignment so vividly because my friend was like “holy guacamole iiboronii i'm not reading all of this”#(peer review you know the drill)#but honestly i was just glad that our teacher let us have a creative writing assignment shoutout to my tenth grade english teacher#anyways i'm calling it an AU now but i will not be telling anybody what it is about because. well.#it's just really really REALLY self indulgent and has like. nothing to do with the plot of the lorax LMFOJGOA;JFAD;JG#i'm checking the google doc now i'll come back if i decide that i want to share#we'll see xoxo
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⛵
#I also keep seeing modern au aubrey-maturin art#that makes me wish I could draw and thereby contribute#unfortunately I can't even *write* modern aus generally. but I like transferring character dynamics from place to place in my brain#and I feel like I could do a university AU very nicely if I could do AUs at all#because I have had rowers in my class with as far as I could tell jack's exact personality#(unfortunately it has to be a US university AU because (a) that's what I know and (b) afaik nobody else does randomly assigned roommates)#(and I cannot pass up the opportunity for randomly assigned roommates.#OR RATHER#for 'you seem more or less human - quick let's request each other so we don't have to go into potluck'#I think that works best)#(but maybe they are both international students anyway. that works fine. & therefore extremely alarmed by potluck [can't say they're wrong]#sophie is a sorority girl. english major I think. and I can see her so clearly#(she's the part I want to draw)#she's not that into the high-octane social schedule her sorority expects her to have#but her pushy mother was a member and it is Unthinkable that sophie should not be#and a lot of the other girls are sweet :) so it's fine :) she says#feel like she has roommate issues (unlike her original self she is able to live away from mrs williams so this makes up for that)#so she's always over in jack and stephen's room. people who know her tangentially sometimes gossip about which one she's actually dating#(at that particular moment it is actually neither of them she's just hanging out with stephen)#diana freed from the shackles of 19th century womanhood creates even more and weirder drama than in canon#idk I just want to see the plot of post captain played out over text message#don't ask me HOW idk HOW i just want it#stephen is a biology major/pre-med obvs. if he can survive organic chemistry#jack is some kind of engineering major. I think he'd enjoy that with the math. diana has changed her major 7 times#(I don't know whether to put jack in rotc. I don't think it Actually actually fits - he's in the navy in canon because he's in the navy#not bc he's Inevitably Military In All Worlds. he would not want to do that if he didn't get to sail#but at the same time I find it hard to picture him not belonging to Discipline somehow.#it's more than a disinterested passion for cleanliness that drives him to wash stephen's mug for him that has had coffee and ramen in it#(and NOT in that order)#in the bathroom sink
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God, this is fucking crazy
So i only have 3 more classes to take, but it'll cost the same to take 3 classes as 4 classes. So I've been thinking about taking a 4th class just for the hell of it. Something fun and/or easy.
Out of curiosity, I looked up orchestras. I was in it in my first year, but I haven't consistently played since 2016. But I still dream about being in an orchestra again. I *miss it*. So I was like. Well, what if *that* was my 4th class next semester? What If?
I looked it up. This week is the last week they're doing auditions for it. There was only one more spot free after today. And that's *tomorrow evening*.
I haven't really played my violin much in YEARS. I'm so out of practice. But apparently they don't reject anyone outright. Auditions are just for placement. So worst case scenario, I get placed in an orchestra at a lower skill level than I was at my prime. It'd still be an orchestra.
It's crazy short notice, but I don't think I'd forgive myself if I passed it up. Bc I have just one more semester before I graduate. One last opportunity to be in a school orchestra. And if I didn't do this, I'd be left with that What If forever.
So. Crazy short notice, but I have a violin audition tomorrow!!! Hahahaha
#speculation nation#im literally shaking with nerves rn but i want this so so so badly#i remember. how to play. my arms are just so much stiffer than they used to be. and my nails. man im gonna have to trim my fucking nails#at least my left hand. kinda sucks bc i like the polish i have on rn but u cant have any long nail at all for violin.#i need to play two scales of my choosing. ascending and descending in three octaves.#recommended for violin is A C or E-flat major. of course i know A and C but i'd have to look up E-flat. never did much with flats in school#then again i have that One Two Three and a Half rhythm Down. thats how id often warm myself up.#start with the base G string and just do a scale up and down (one octave). go up to the next note. do it again.#again and again until i started running out of room on the E string. & if i was Real motivated maybe id start shifting to continue.#so all id need to do is find the E flat and id be good. it all follows the same pattern.#the harder challenge will be the solo or etude. 2-3 minutes in length. only *one day* to prepare.#i have NO IDEA what id even play. i'll look in my old sheet music to see if theres anything that might work#simple enough for me to relearn on such short notice. and interesting enough to be played solo#(since i was always in orchestras it's not always the best for solo playing. tho i was also first violin section a lot#which is Basically the same as playing solo lmaooo)#if i cant find anything i do have a few sheet music books i could look in. id hate to play smth too simple#but better simple and Right than trying to do something above my current skill level.#which IRKS ME bc once upon a time i was the 4th best violinist in my high school. out of nearly 2k students.#but thats what happens when u go years without consistent practice :p ur arm gets Stiff.#im. still nervous but also thinking about the music is making me EXCITED.#it's going to be a wild time prepping for this thing but itll be over in like 5 mins and i dont even have to worry about Passing#so long as i *do it* i should get into something. i just need to push myself. do it. get out there. *play your violin*#i already cried in a public bathroom for 10 mins today and im feeling emotional Again.#not quite crying emotional tho thankfully. just. i feel like i need to climb onto a rooftop and SCREAM!!!! but like in a good way.#so so so nervous but itll be so so so worth it. i could be in an orchestra again. finally. finally finally finally.#and i STILL NEED TO FINISH THIS ASSIGNMENT.....!!!! hfkahfks today has been. a DAY.#just. keeps going through my head. i could be in an orchestra again. i could be in an orchestra again. at least one more time.
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it's that time of the semester where i get my calculator out and do the math for all my classes to see how much i can get away with not doing to still get a passing grade
#can't believe there was a time where i completed every assignment to my fullest that's not what school's about school is#about skating by and getting ur degree and saving so many extra hours from not doing dumb assignments u dont care about so u can#spend those hours doing things u do care about like chilling in ur bedroom floor or playing webkinz or perhaps even writing smut#and it's chill bc my gpa was so good for so long that i can literally get straight cs if i wanted and still have a good gpa for grad school
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🍪🥛
#out of sight out of mind....#im not gonna check his blogs every day from here on out#and i hid/archived our chat so i dont have to see it when i open the messaging app#i do have some kind of 'fomo' lol bc i dont wanna miss out on any potential glimpse into his mind or days#esp now when he doesnt tell me anything anymore. idk anything abt what goes on with him#but .. i am allowing and letting him control my life#i obsessively check my phone and refresh his blogs ALL day#it's extremely unhealthy and pathetic and i know this#it's just hard to stop bc i genuinely... love him sm#plus he told me he wanted me for real so he made me not only dream of a life i thought wasnt possible for me#but also WANT it. i only want him and to live with him and be his. that's all i want but he just cut me off out of nowhere lol#and im still hung up on it... i dont want my boring reality. current nor future. i just want the reality where im with him which he made me#think was smth i could have one day soon.#but anyway. if his feelings changed that's how it is. it's not even his fault it's just how things work in life#even if i dont want to accept it i have to. i cant keep living in this limbo. i try to talk to him but he's a wall so that's a No.#so i cant let him control my life and waste away all my days on him#i need to stop checking his blogs and our chat. that's the first step#im still gonna allow myself to think of him and daydream and fantasize. but that will have to stop soon too#then i have to focus on doing my assignments and read books and go to the gym#things that will help me get realistically where i want in my current reality#i want to finish highschool and then apply for a preschool or library program#and hopefully the plan is to get a student housing apartment so i can move out finally and live on my own and study#then when i finish i'll look for a job as either of those things. and a place to live (which is super fkn hard in these modern chaos times)#even if i have to live my life all alone... i want to be as comfortable as i can at least#i can live in my own row house and have pets and work and read and play games and watch shows#and see and talk to my mom#i mean hopefullyyyy i'll be able to try to make at least some shallow connections so i have ppl to hang out with#i can always hope to meet someone who'll fall in love with me but im not counting on it#ugh.. bc as it is now#i dont do ANYTHING but be on my phone
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work anxiety starting before work itself hahahahaahahahahahahhhaha
#IM BAKCIJ THE FUCKIGN BUIDLIGN .AGAIN. AUSUSUXHEHWHGLHKF#im grateful i have an internship for this summer with the way the job market is like currently.#im grateful that i have the opportunity to lessen the burden on my parents shoulders. im grateful that this job can pay rent and groceries#and tuition for a few terms im grateful i get to gain experience while still in school that will hekp me in the future#IM GRATEFUL FOR ALL THIS!!!!! BUT STILL I FUCLING HATE EVERYTHJGN#i hate being unable to eat anything ir sleep at night bc all i can think about is shit i have work tomorrow i have to email this guy and#finish these tasks and impress my manager and be approachable and enthusiastic and eager to learn and not make any mistakes#and not fail anything bc im getting graded on this its alwags grades its always the fucking grades#isnt it. it was the grades that had me crying on walks home from school when i was 9 and it was grades that made me waste away 9th grade#it was grades that made me unable to stomach anything during weeks with tests and it was and is still grades that#dictate every single fucking part of my life#and even tho the ppl who used to yell at me for getting a B in math in 5th grade are no longer yelling at me for getting 60s in linear algeb#ra and stats and calculus and cs#haha.ha when ur university is famous for its.. horribly high suicdie rates#i find that the yelling comes from me now. ive replaced the adults who would sit beside me at the dinner table#yelling bc yea guess what 8 year old me didnt understand division at first#god i hate this school so much. i hate what im studying im gratefula nd am so privileged to be ahle to further my educarion and receive#all these experiences mot everyone can have but god everytime i return to the city where the school is#i feel like throwing up and sobbing and just never ipening my eyes again#haha yea. i hope i csn get a job to support myself in the future#i hope i can still have time for hobbies#why si everyone at school so good at everything#ive met more people who have passed their rcm 10 and arct exams for piano than those who havent#i have classes with people who have already published research papers with professors in the states#my classmates can breeze through a cs assignment while still playing fir varisty teams. working out everyday. goijg ti parties.#eating and cooking balsnced meals each week. having a social life..the whole combo#meanwhile i get overwhelmed because i have to respond to an email and finish an assignment in one day#how do i become like them#why was this about work anxiety at first and why is it about the eternal imposter syndrome and lack of self confidence#i just want money man... i dont give a shit about snything anymore
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being sick as an adult sucks. wdym my mom won’t just automatically make sure I eat food instead of exclusively drinking Gatorade all day. wdym I have to ask my roommates to make me dinner. I have to Venmo a friend money to buy me more Gatorade?? I can’t focus enough to do homework??? I hate this.
#this is a silly haha humor post but in all seriousness.#COVID rly is just making me stare all the internalized ableism in the eye#yes worth isnt defined by productivity and disability and the idea of being a burden is part of being human and isn’t shameful at all#until I have to minorly inconvenience people to meet my basic needs#I really want to eat dinner but that would require asking my roommates to make me dinner which is just. 5 kinda of mortifying.#even though if someone I knew was sick I would not be upset about making them food! sick people need to eat!#my parents ordered me chipotle yesterday bc they were so concerned bc of how I sounded over the phone#and my friend went out and bought me juice and Gatorade and popsicles and took me to the doctor#the support system Exists I just feel bad about having to use it T-T#I just want to be hugged and read to and reminded to eat food but I am an adult now and not at home#lonely TT-TT#it’ll be okay I’m probably just emotional bc I’m sick and hungry#I also just am struggling so hard because I want to catch up on my classwork Right Now#but I can get through maybe one assignment before I’m too exhausted to keep sitting up#and I have to lay down and close my eyes and sleep or do a light activity like playing candy crush for the fifty bazillionth time#I’ve gotten through like. 100 levels this week.#I’m losing my dang marbles. I am gonna be so behind in ASL Susan is gonna be so disappointed in me#I feel like I have all this energy when I’m laying down bored but as soon as I sit up I feel like I’m floating and about to fall over#so. so tired. why can’t I be healthy already and do homework T-T.#I’m choosing to take this as a lesson to slow down and not overwork myself so hard. instead of being mad at myself for getting behind.#<- is trying and failing not to be mad at herself for getting behind
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best part abt having an ff14 oc is creating side content for ur wol's character development, completely unrelated to the msq going on
#.text#lately ive been thinking about how the 'traitor' nonsense in stormblood never gets addressed.#like how the garleans found rhalgr's reach and zenos can just waltz in.#so i used that to finally FINALLY fit in something ive been trying to put into the story for YEARS#upon walking into rhalgr's reach for the first time. the undercover traitor. a scientist who works for garlemald. like instantly#recognizes adaline. because he was one of the scientists who helped create her - and one of the ones eventually punished for her escape.#so he took it upon himself to complete his assigned task And bring their wayward expiriment back.#originally in one of addie's very very first drafts. when i first played the game. and when she was like still a human and not#some sort of fleshy robot clone thing. lol#she had a brother named beau. i think im going to bring him back as sir scientist here#he gets caught for recognizing her and thinks quickly. he could use this. so he pretends to be her long lost brother#(a lie) who has been searching for her ever since she disappeared (the truth). and since addie doesnt have any memories#nor does she even know she was Created rather than born. not yet. its not like she can say hes lying.#even if she knows something is wrong...#need this. so a) there are Seeds there for his 'i was created' event and b) so he finally has a reason and an ending to her sudden#'who was i' thoughts. like lately shes been wondering what his life was like Before the amnesia. and this is like#a very sudden and very convenient thing for her to happen. so shes suspicious. and honestly is a little too willing to let it happen#even if his default nature is distrusting.#but it also gives an easy out for trying to figure out When the twins find out addie is a weapon. bc i was never sure where to put that#but here is good. here is good#im literally a genius. smartest writer ever. ok maybe not but also yes#adaline rozovy
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