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digitalfishwish · 4 months

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Kit's Traybake Pancakes (cinnamon apple var.) - Updated!

Love eating pancakes but hate making them? This traybake pancake recipe may be for you! Making these gives me enough pancake squares for 6 days (5 if you eat two on the day you make them). They’re fluffy, reheat well, can either be eaten with or without maple syrup, and are very customizable! I recommend adding fruit and protein powder like I do in this recipe, making it a (slightly) healthier breakfast than just pure carbs.

(Updated) instructions under the cut!

Full disclosure, the base for this recipe was the mug pancake recipe from Emma’s Goodies, which you can watch here!

I made this mug pancake for years (except with tripled portions because I was using a very big mug) and it was super delicious! However, for just one mug pancake, it was a bit of a production and didn’t feel super worth it. Thusly, I have adapted the recipe to be made in a 13”x9” baking tray, which makes a whole lot of breakfast.

Recipe (serving size: 2 squares):

Base Ingredients:

12 tbsp. butter (I use salted, if you don’t have salted butter, add a small amount of kosher salt to your recipe)

9 tbsp. (1/2 cup+ 1 tbsp) granulated sugar

12 fl.oz. milk (I use skim, use whatever kind you like)

3 cups all-purpose flour

3 tsp. baking powder

Customizable Ingredients:

1 scoop protein powder (I use vanilla flavored whey)

1/4 cup of maple syrup (ideally not pancake syrup, they’re different)

1 apple (I use McIntosh or Honeycrisp)

A piping hot cup of apple tea with a heaping tablespoon of honey

Nutmeg, cinnamon, cardamom to taste, for sprinkling on top

Base Instructions:

Heat oven to 375°F, take out a 13”x9” nonstick baking pan and spray bottom and sides with cooking spray (yes theoretically I know you don’t need to spray a nonstick pan but better safe than sorry).

If you choose to put apple chunks in, I recommend doing this step first. I personally like to let the chunks soak in my favorite loose leaf apple tea (non-sponsored plug)! Boil a cup of water and fill the tea infuser with tea. Add a heaping tablespoon of honey to the cup and stir until it dissolves. Then put them infuser in and steep the tea for three minutes, after which you should give the mug a final stir and pour it into a bowl. See “customizable instructions, steps 2-4” for how I recommend cutting the apple. After that, put the peeled apple chunks into the bowl of delicious tea and let them soak until it’s time to add them later on!

If you’re not putting apple in, do this step first. Put butter in a bowl and melt it in the microwave. I recommend microwaving for 1m20s.

Put butter in a stand mixer, preferably with the paddle attachment. While you heat the milk in the microwave* (40 seconds, I use a glass liquid measuring cup), add the granulated sugar to the mixer. Once the milk is heated, give it a real quick stir, and then add it and use one of the lower settings on your mixer.

(If you have customizable wet ingredients, add them now!)

Add the flour and baking powder, mix again on low setting until it forms a batter (a small amount of lumps is okay from what I’ve heard, you don’t want to overmix).

*You can’t put cold milk into hot butter, it will form little clumps and be gross

Customizable Instructions:

Add a 1/4 cup of maple syrup (as above, preferably before the flour, with the other wet ingredients), and also one scoop of your preferred protein powder. Mix on low setting until it’s incorporated.

Peel the apple wedges with a peeler (don't use the skin, you'll thank me later). If you have an apple cutter (the thing that looks like a wheel with handles), use that. If you don’t:

Take your apple and a large, sharp knife (be careful) and cut the apple in half vertically. Then place it down with the core side up, and cut each apple half like so: cut off the left side, avoiding the core, followed by the right. Then turn what’s left of the half apple on its side, and cut off the last piece at the back. Do the same for the other apple half, then chop the segments into whatever sized chunks you want.

Use as much of it as you want, but I myself use the whole apple. (If you don’t, eat whatever segments you don’t intend to use for a lil snack.) Then put apple chunks into mixer, and half the tea if you made it, and mix until incorporated. (Drink what tea remains, it’s even more delicious now that the fresh apple’s been in it!)

Baking Instructions:

Pour batter into greased baking tray, shake the pan until the batter is flattened and reaches all the corners (or use a spatula and spread it evenly by hand). Optional: Sprinkle the top with cinnamon, nutmeg, and cardamom according to your tastes. I tend to have a heavy hand even if I don’t mean to, but it still comes out very tasty! (and smells great while baking!)

When the oven reaches temperature (if you preheated it at the beginning, it may have already been at temperature for a while) put the pan in and cook for 35 mins. Know your oven and if it tends to be hotter or colder*, adjust cook time as necessary.

When the timer goes off, test the center in several places with a toothpick. As long as it doesn’t come out goopy, you’re good! (crumbs on the toothpick is fine) I say test in several places because if you accidentally go through a piece of apple, your toothpick may come out slightly wet, but that doesn’t mean the pancakes aren’t done. If it's not done, cook in intervals of 5 minutes, testing each time the timer goes off.

Take pan out and use a butter knife or a pie serving spatula and poke around the edges of the pan to free the pancake traybake from the edges. Let cool for 10 minutes.

Cut into squares. I tend to cut 12 pieces, but you could go smaller or larger depending on how much you intend to eat at once.

*How do I know if my oven runs hot or cold, you may ask? If any recipe you make comes out raw and/or takes longer to cook than the instructions say, your oven is colder! If your food ends up burnt and/or takes less time to cook than the recipe instructions say, your oven is hotter!

Enjoy! I eat two squares at a time and it makes a good breakfast! For storing, put however much of it you can eat in 2-3 days in the fridge. Store the rest in the freezer.

For any customizing other than what I did, use whatever fruit, spices, syrups, and/or protein powders you want! Just be aware that more fruit in the batter means it may take longer to cook!

If you make them, either the same way I did here or differently, let me know how they came out!

OLD EDIT: After some experimentation, it seems like the pancakes come out more moist if baked for 35 minutes at 375°F! I also soak the apple pieces in a cup of “Apple Blood Tea” (find it on adagio teas, it’s super delish!) with honey at the beginning of the process, then add the ‘marinated’ apples and half a cup of the tea into the batter.

NEW EDIT 09/2024: I just changed the recipe whether it needed changing, since I realized that changing stuff behind the readmore didn’t transfer to previously reblogged posts 😫 I also added image descriptions.

#pancakes #recipes #baking #pancake recipe #traybake #traybake recipe #breakfast #meal prep #breakfast meal prep #tasty #shoutout to my wife lunarchandelure for helping me convert measurements #you may ask yourself: why are the instructions stupidly specific and overelaborated?#I personally like to be walked through new tasks in as much detail as possible. this may help other people too!

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alarrytale · 2 months

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It makes me kind of feel like something is off, like they broke up and don't have to be separated anymore since they don't have a relationship to hide anymore//

I don´t know if some of us are just so numb and too used to not having a nice things at all because when things sound too good to be true we are automatically scared what bad will happen to make us disappointed again but good lord, they were in the same room after 7,5 years and it probably means for some of us that they broke up and so they can be spotted together? On the other hand, I totally love everything about yesterday - except their sh*tty business/friends circle whey were hanging with when watching the match. I love that H wore bluegreen bird, said "It´s coming home" like his husband during the only opportunity he had on Friday. I love that Ed, the biggest larrie tea spiller, was there with them. I love the article saying how H joined Louis and writing they catch-up away from cameras like someone saw them leaving the broom closet like in the good old horny days lol? AND I love that Spain won because they deserved it much more.

Marte, I wish I was as strong as you are in your belief that they’re still together, of course I believe it but sometimes I do think otherwise regardless it’s admirable I’m kinda scared now after we got such a huge crumb

Hi, anons!

Don't be scared, celebrate the good times! You're allowed to be happy about this! It would be strange for Harry to wear a bluegreen bird and cheekily sneak in a "it's coming home" just days ago, like Louis also did, and then for them to be in the same place if they were broken up. They're not broken up, but i understand that this is a shock to the system for those of you who haven't experienced this euphoria before, or have become numb. I don't think any of you would have survived lairport, and they were just on the same flight! It's more than a crumb, and were not used to it anymore. So don't be scared. Be exited and celebrate this. Things might turn to shit later, but for now, rejoice and enjoy it!

#i was rooting for spain too #they're a much better team and the win was deserved #larry at the euros #fandom

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chongoblog · 2 years

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“Little Miss Muffet is so full of shit”

“What? You don’t think she was sitting on that tuffet?”

“Absolutely not!”

“You don’ t think she was eating her curds?”

“No whey”

#i was possessed by a demon to post this

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stnaf-vn · 1 year

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Dumb idea for the crew

Carter: Man something that annoys me is that…most people just want to Bang

Carter sips a bit of bang and giggles

Z: I know right? Then don’t expect to go to dinner first??? Do they I’m some type of monster?

Z sips Monster and tries to hide the laughter

Diane: Oh well… Some people just can’t Whey-t for too long…

Diane sips a cup of whey mix and try not to spill on herself

Actually canon

#pls i love puns #heeheehee #💾- see thru need a friend game #🔪-stnaf scenarios #🐕 diane my beloved #💋 z the skrunkly #🎮 carter my boy

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caaaaaaaaaaaaaampbell · 4 months

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Hiiiiiii!!!!!! How are you???? I hope good!!!

I just started episode 6 of season 2 of camp cretaceous!!!!!

First thing I wanna day is BEN!!!!! That poor kid has become so unhinged!!!! I love it!!! He just tried to fight toro!!! Alone!!! Like a total badass!!! A crazy and traumatized badass but still a badass!!!

And he was ready to feed a man to a t rex, like he was dead serious, and also ready to zap him too!!!(I also love his interaction with that man[the guide for the photographers who are actually just photographers couple], they are just both ready to fight to the death and it just so insane and I love it!!!)

Also I really liked the bonding episodes!!!! Especially the yazmine and kenji bonding!!!!! It was like listening to the two sides of my brain talking to each others honestly!!! The super duper lazy part and the obsessed with not failing professional athlete part!!!

I'm great, thanks for asking!

Ben goes through it. It does not end, mans is struggling. But he is stronger for it. I love Hap.

Just wait till you see whey he's the pyromaniac of the group.

Traumatized kids bonding and sharing their coping mechanisms is my favorite.

#jurassic world camp cretaceous #camp cretaceous #jwcc ben #jwcc kenji #jwcc yaz #jwcc

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tomboyfriends · 9 months

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hey, do you have any advice for women trying to build muscle? I'm specifically looking to build some muscle in my chest.

Ok, so I'm going to be completely honest with you and tell you that I am less than one year into seriously weight training. I am by no means an expert nor am I a health professional. With that in mind, I'll tell you what I know. :) You are free to message me as well if there's anything more you would like to know. It's impossible to cover everything in one post but I will do my best to be helpful. There is quite frankly SO MUCH to learn about growing muscle, but it is doable. If you have a curious and open mind and love to research then those are amazing assets to have because there are always ways to refine your technique and improve diet and rest. These might seem pretty basic so maybe you already know a lot of this (I don't know your experience level so I'm gonna talk as if speaking to a total newbie) but I'll cover what I think is important. Eat lots of protein. Shoot for 0.7-0.8g of protein per pound of lean body mass. If you are already pretty lean you can use your normal weight but if you are obese then you should try to figure out how much of your weight is fat and calculate your lean body mass from there. Protein powders such as whey protein and pea protein are very helpful and can be more affordable than other sources. Some people will say 1g of protein per pound of body weight but honestly it may be a bit overkill. Try to eat your protein not all in one sitting otherwise your body will convert a bunch of it into energy instead of muscle. Have some of your daily protein with each meal instead, you can break it into snacks as well. Train hard, REST HARDER. If you don't rest your body will not be able to create more muscle. Get at least 8 hours nightly, more is probably better. After working out, do not exercise the same muscles you trained for a minimum of 48 hours. Use this time to exercise different muscle groups, or rest. Technique/form >>> lifting heavy. Form is important for safety and to also ensure you are stimulating the targeted muscles instead of inadvertently using other parts of the body to get the work done. Control the eccentric (lengthening the muscle) phase of an exercise by performing it slowly for 1-3 seconds. Concentric (shortening/contracting the muscle) phases can be done explosively and quickly but you must always be in control of the weight and not use momentum to move the weight around. Rest 1-3 minutes (some people say minimum 2 minutes, you can also rest longer if needed) between sets to make both your muscles AND nervous system enough time to recover. STOP THE WORKOUT IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING PAIN/NAUSEA/LIGHTHEADEDNESS/FEELING FAINT/ANYTHING ELSE YOU'RE CONCERNED ABOUT. Some discomfort is okay, but as soon as you feel pain in your muscles or joints or anything else that is serious you have to stop or you may seriously harm yourself. It is important to be in contact with your primary healthcare provider and adapt your workouts to your own specific health needs. BE PATIENT. Women can expect to gain about one pound of muscle per month through weight training. You should not weight train solely for muscle gain, but also for the health benefits in improved cardiovascular health, improved mental health, increased energy and strength, better sleeping habits, and good diet (lots of proteins and veggies). Record the types of exercises you do, how many sets and reps you did, and how much weight you used for those sets and reps. Weight training is built upon the concept of progressive overload, which means increasing training volume (weights * sets * reps) over time, by increasing one (or more) of those variables (so upping the weight, sets, and/or reps). In order to utilize progressive overload effectively, you MUST record your progress so that you are not guessing how much you lifted the last session and end up potentially stunting your progress. When you're putting in this much time and effort you do not want to wing it and waste a workout session. --

Now, you want to build chest muscle. I personally work more on leg and arm muscles but I do work out my entire body. I'm saying this to convey that I am not the most experienced. However, this is what I know. You should try to get around 10 sets of chest exercises weekly to stimulate muscle growth (standard across the board for muscular hypertrophy in any muscle group). You can do more (I do bc I have a lot of free time) but don't burn yourself out, because consistency is arguably the most important factor when it comes to muscle growth. You have to commit for several months and then years. 10 sets of 5-8 reps (repetitions) weekly should cause muscular hypertrophy (muscle growth). You can do all ten sets in one session, or break it down into two sessions where you do five sets each. It all depends on your personal schedule. Start light in order to get accustomed to whichever chest exercises you choose first, and then lift the heaviest you can without breaking form/cheating the rep. It is completely possible to work out your chest muscles without doing bench presses. HOWEVER, in the event that you do bench presses, here are some safety tips. NEVER use clips to secure weights on either side of the barbell when you are performing bench presses without a spotter, otherwise you may become stuck when failing a bench press and will be unable to free yourself because the weights are unable to slide off onto the floor, lightening the bar. Bench pressing without a QUALIFIED spotter (not some gym rando you don't know) is not ideal, however it can be hard to get a spotter so that's why I'm giving you this tip in case you decide to solo bench press anyway. Personally I almost never bench press and opt to use the machines which are much safer to use solo. Personally I use pec/chest fly machines and chest press machines to work out my chest, along with shoulder presses to stimulate part of the upper chest (but of course those are mostly for my shoulders). On youtube there are a bunch of demonstration videos (including by women) so you can look at those if you need more guidance than the instructional stickers on the sides of exercise machines. Remember to get good stretches of the chest muscles under tension on chest fly machines (cable machines are good too) bc that stimulates the muscles a bunch and results in good growth. Incline chest presses are good too. You can use pushups to stimulate muscle growth in the chest, HOWEVER it is not possible to utilize progressive overload using calisthenics (exercises with (little to) no external weights/objects) unless you like... idfk wear a backpack with weight on it or something. So you can use this to grow chest muscle initially, however your growth would end up plateauing after a certain point. If you have any more questions just let me know, again I'm not a pro but I'm glad to help in any way I can. There is so much more I could have added but I hope this post has helped you at least even a little bit. Edit: This ask refused to publish a few times because of how damn long my post was lmao

#detransfem #ask #ok xavery #fitness #women's health

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komalherbals · 1 year

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What Are the Common Misconceptions About Golden-T Turmeric Whey Protein?

When it comes to fitness and health elixirs, Golden-T Turmeric Whey Protein has been making waves with its unique blend of whey protein and turmeric. However, with popularity often come misconceptions. In this blog post, we'll debunk some common myths and clear up some misunderstandings about this fantastic elixir.

#Golden-T Turmeric Whey Protein

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sciatu · 8 months

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Ricotta del vicino di casa, cassatina con ricotta, sfogliatelle con ricotta, cannoli al cioccolato con ricotta, cannoli tradizionali.

Il clacson sgraziato e difettato di una vecchia punto mi attira verso il muretto che costeggia la strada di campagna su cui confina la casa. Mi affaccio oltre il muretto e vedo nella sua vecchia punto Stefano, il pastore che abita con gregge e famiglia più in alto su monte “A vuliti na ricotta?” “Cettu” “ Un chilu o menzu chilu?” “Menzu” “Accà, pigghiassi’ Mi passa un sacchettino di plastica trasparente caldo, in cui una forma di ricotta naviga nel siero da cui è nata “Quant’è?” “Du euri” Lo guardo sconcertato. Con due euro ti compri solo la fame. Pago e con gentilezza porto la ricotta in casa. La metto in un angolo della cucina coprendola con una tovaglia a quadrettoni bianchi e rossi. Gliela sistemo intorno con attenzione, come si fa con un neonato. Mangiamo. Il primo è un piatto di pasta con il pomodoro fresco dell’orto. Poi porto in tavola la ricotta. L’osserviamo con devozione sentendo il profumo di latte e il suo tepore. Ha un colore bianco-dorato ctipico della ricotta di pecora. Si taglia con un sospiro perché ha la consistenza di una nuvola e in bocca si scioglie lentamente. Nessuno parla. Il gusto cremoso e intenso, stordisce il pensare, l’immaginare, il paragonare. Non è ricotta, è il vento che semina gli arbusti sui monti, l’acqua di marzo che li trasforma in fiori, il passo lento delle pecore che seguono il suono del campanaccio sotto il sole della primavera e le nuvole grigie madri della pioggia che si inseguono nell’azzurro intenso del cielo. È un piacere soffice, come il grembo di una bambina, impalpabile come la schiuma del mare, fiabesco come un sogno al mattino. La ricotta fresca muta e si rinnova se la mangi con il caffè macinato, con il cioccolato, nei cannoli, nel ripieno dolce delle fraviole, con il miele o sulla pasta in bianco. Da sola, quando è fresca è una solista perfetta, da ammirare e gustare. È un bacio al senso di latte: soffice, caldo, gustoso, intenso. Come il latte è innocente, umile, semplice, pura. Un poema in un verso e con mille rime. Evoca le colline scoscese, i boschi infiniti, i ruscelli gioiosi, bianchissime nuvole in azzurrissimi cieli. Per questo ormai, l’evento del mattino, è ormai l’arrivo di Stefano e della sua scassatissima e polverosa punto, un prezioso forziere colmo di calde, tenere ricotte.

The awkward and defective horn of an old Punto attracts me towards the low wall that runs alongside the country road on which the house borders. I look over the wall and see Stefano in his old place, the shepherd who lives with his flock and family higher up the mountain “Do you want ricotta?” “Cettu” “Un chilu or menzu chilu?” “Menzu” “Accà, pigghiassi” He hands me a hot transparent plastic bag, in which a wheel of ricotta floats in the whey from which it was born "How much it is?" “Two euros” I look at him bewildered. With two euros you can only buy hunger. I pay and kindly bring the ricotta home. I put it in a corner of the kitchen, covering it with a red and white checkered tablecloth. I arrange it around him carefully, as one would do with a newborn. Let's eat. The first course is pasta with fresh tomatoes from the garden. Then I bring the ricotta to the table. We observe it with devotion, smelling the scent of milk and its warmth. It has a white-golden color typical of sheep's ricotta. It is cut with a sigh because it has the consistency of a cloud and slowly melts in the mouth. Nobody talks. The creamy and intense taste stuns thinking, imagining, comparing. It's not ricotta, it's the wind that sows the shrubs on the mountains, the March water that transforms them into flowers, the slow pace of the sheep that follow the sound of the cowbell under the spring sun and the gray clouds that give birth to the rain that they chase in the intense blue of the sky. It is a soft pleasure, like a child's womb, impalpable like sea foam, fairy-tale like a dream in the morning. Fresh ricotta changes and is renewed if you eat it with ground coffee, with chocolate, in cannoli, in the sweet filling of ravioles, with honey or on plain pasta. Alone, when it is fresh it is a perfect soloist, to be admired and enjoyed. It's a kiss with the feeling of milk: soft, warm, tasty, intense. Like milk she is innocent, humble, simple, pure. A poem in one verse and with a thousand rhymes. It evokes the steep hills, the endless woods, the joyful streams, very white clouds in very blue skies. For this reason, the morning event is now the arrival of Stefano and his battered and dusty car, a precious treasure chest full of warm, tender ricotta.

#sciatu #food #sicily #sicilia #cannoli #sweets #sicilian sweet

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aquietwritingcorner · 6 months

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Recycled Nightmares

Title: Recycled Nightmares Fandom: TMNT 2003 Word Count: 4949 Author: aquietwritingcorner/realitybreakgirl Rating: T Characters: Donatello, Leonardo Warning: NA Summary: During his first childhood, Don didn’t have nightmares. This time around, Don seems to be having quite a few—including ones where Leo is the only one who can comfort him. But whey they figure out why, it wasn’t what they were expecting. Notes: Part of the Little Don AU, an AU I’ve had forming in my head where, during a crisis with the Time Scepter, Don sacrificed himself to save everything. Instead of it killing him, though, it turned him into a baby, and his family has needed to raise him all over again. ff.net || AO3

______________________________

Recycled Nightmares

A shriek split the silent night. High pitched and terrified, it broke the silence like glass shattering, jolting everyone in the lair to wakefulness. A second shriek, this time, with a name, or at least as much of one as the voice could pronounce, split the air again.

“EEEEEEOOOOOO!!!!”

Leo shot out of bed and moved faster than he had ever moved in his life. He snatched his swords up as he ran, not even bothering to put the strap on, and pulled one out even as he practically flew to Donnie’s room, somehow passing both Raph and Mikey, who were also moving quickly.

The door to Donnie’s room was open, but so was Splinter’s. With Donnie barely being one, they still kept his room on the bottom floor and close to Splinter’s in case he needed anything. Splinter had, obviously, gotten there first, but Leo wasn’t far behind, and he all but burst into the room they had renovated for their now-baby brother.

Leo stood for a moment, his eyes sweeping over the room, katana out and ready but there didn’t seem to be any threat. He could hear Raph and Mikey come up behind him, feel how ready they were, but there didn’t seem to be a threat. Just Splinter, holding a crying and wailing baby turtle, trying to comfort him without success.

“I believe he had a nightmare,” Splinter said over Donnie’s wails.

There was a second’s pause, and then they all relaxed a little. Leo sheathed his katana and let out a breath. “I’m glad that’s all it was.”

“Scared the shell outta me,” Raph said, huffing out a breath.

Donnie was still crying, but it seemed to have quieted a touch.

Leo frowned. “Let’s check the perimeter anyway,” he said, looking back at Splinter. “Just to be sure. We want to make sure that nothing got in.”

“A wise precaution, my son,” Splinter said, still attempting to soothe the still crying Donnie.

Leo turned to leave, and Donnie started wailing again.

“Eo! Eo, Eo, Eo, Eo!”

“I think you’re being paged, bro,” Mikey said as they all turned back around.

Donnie was looking at him, distress on his face, and reaching his hands out towards him. Leo blinked for a second, surprised. It wasn’t that Donnie didn’t come to him. No, he went to all of them freely. It was just unusual for him to be this insistent on it.

Setting his swords down, Leo walked up to Splinter and took Donnie from him. The little turtle immediately latched on, crying and sniffling, but holding tightly to him. He babbled between his cries, and Leo had no idea what he was saying, besides his name. Still, he held onto his little brother and rocked him gently.

“It’s alright, little brother. I’ve got you,” he said. “You’re safe. We’re all safe.”

“Mike and I’ll go check around,” Raph said, watching the scene. “You can join us after Donnie calms down.”

Leo nodded. “Sounds good,” he said, still holding the distraught Donnie. He watched as his other two brothers left, and then looked at Splinter. “What do you think got Donnie so upset?” he asked as he tried to calm his baby brother.

Splinter shook his head. “I do not know. He is too small to verbalize much to us,” he said, running a hand on Donnie’s head. “Hopefully, whatever it was, it will leave him soon.”

“I hope so,” Leo said, looking down at the still crying Donnie.

It took almost an hour for Donnie to stop wailing, and another thirty minutes after that for him to stop crying completely. Leo attempted to pass him back to Splinter, but the moment Donnie was out of Leo’s arms, he started wailing again. Eventually, Leo gave up, and just took Donnie out to the couch, where he wrapped them both up, and they slept together. Come morning Donnie refused to let go of Leo and started crying anytime Leo put him down. He wanted no one and nothing but Leo and refused the rest of his family completely. None of them could figure out why the little boy was so upset, but he was, and they just had to deal with it.

Still, by that night, he went down fine, and the next day he was back to normal, laughing and playing with all of them again. The family just collectively shrugged and went about their day, thinking that perhaps it was a one-time thing.

It was two years later when another similar incident occurred. Nightmares, they had discovered, were not that uncommon for Donnie to experience. According to Splinter, Donnie didn’t have nightmares when he was a child the first time. However, this time around, they were something that the family had learned to deal with. Tonight, another scream rent the night air, although this one started out by screaming Leo’s name.

“YEEEEEYOOOO!!!”

It was a terrified, heart wrenching cry that once again had Leo flying out of his bed as fast as his feet could take him and to his little brother. His family was there with him, of course, Splinter already in the room, trying to console the three-year-old, but Donnie only screamed louder, almost hysterically, until he saw Leo. Then he reached for his brother and sobbed.

Leo wasted no time in scooping the toddler up, cradling him against his plastron and shushing him. “Another nightmare?” he asked, even as he tried to soothe his brother.

“I believe so,” Splinter said.

“It’s alright, buddy,” Leo said to Donnie. “It’s alright, I’m here.”

Donnie’s breath hitched as he cried, holding tightly to his oldest brother.

“You got this, bro?” Mikey asked from the doorway.

Leo nodded. “Yeah. You two go back to bed. I’ll stay with Donnie.”

His brothers filed out, but Splinter stayed with Leo, even as Leo tried to calm the tot. Eventually, Donnie’s cried calmed, then quieted, and Leo gave his shell a few more rubs.

“There you go. It was just a dream. You’re safe now. Why don’t you let Father put you back to—”

Donnie’s arms tightened on his neck, and his breathing started to catch again. Leo quickly backtracked. “Or I can stay with you tonight,” he said.

Donnie seemed to calm a little at that, and Leo looked over at Splinter. “Looks like this one is mine, tonight,” he said.

Splinter nodded. “Then I will leave you to it,” he said.

Leo went over to Donnie’s bed and laid down with the little turtle. Donnie pulled his blankets and an old, stuffed dinosaur to him, but he didn’t ever completely let go of Leo.

“You had a bad dream, huh?” Leo said.

Donnie stared at him, but nodded “Mm-hm,” he said.

“I’m sorry it scared you,” Leo said. “Can you tell me what it was about?”

Donnie was quiet for a moment. “…Dere was a scawy man,” he said.

“A scary man?” Leo repeated.

Donnie nodded. “Mm-hm. Gian’!”

“Oh, a giant,” Leo said.

Donnie nodded. “Fi’e ev’eywhere!”

“Oh, that does sound scary,” Leo said.

Donnie started tearing up again. “Yous hurt!” he said. “You ‘er blee’ing and ha’ losta owwies!”

Oh, that explained a lot. Leo reached out and pulled Donnie closer to him.

“Scawy,” Donnie whispered.

Leo began making shushing noises again, doing his best to reassure his little brother. “It was a just a dream,” he said. “I’m right here and I’m alright. No owwies, no bleeding. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”

Donnie huddled against him, eventually falling asleep cradled in Leo’s arms. Leo laid awake for a little bit longer, thinking over what Donnie had said. A giant scary man with fire, and Leo hurt. It was probably from that new show that Mikey had been watching. Wasn’t there a character named Leo on there? He’d talk to Mike in the morning. That might have to be a show that he watched only after Donnie went to bed.

Leo stayed with Donnie the whole night, and the next day Donnie followed Leo like a little shadow, staying as close as possible to his biggest brother, often clinging to him or asking to be picked up. The day after that he was alright, pretty much back to normal, but it did remind Leo of that time when Donnie was one, and he filed that in the back of his mind.

Three years later it wasn’t a loud cry or a shriek that woke Leo up, but a stuttering, tear-filled little voice.

“L-l-l-le-ee-ee-o?”

Leo was awake instantly and rolling over to see the silhouette of his six-year-old brother in his doorway, clutching a blanket and an old dinosaur toy to him. Leo rolled out of bed, heading straight for Donnie.

“Donnie? Buddy, what’s wrong?” he asked as he approached him.

Donnie sniffed, and Leo could see the tears forming in his eyes. He wasted no time, just reached down and scooped up his brother. Donnie immediately clung onto Leo, hard, and started to cry. Leo made his way back to his own bed, sitting down with his little brother and rocking him.

“Hey, hey, shhhh, little brother, I’m here. What’s wrong? Are you hurt anywhere?”

Donnie shook his head at that question, but he didn’t stop clinging or crying.

“Okay, that’s good,” Leo said. “Was it a nightmare?” he asked.

Donnie froze for half a second, and then nodded, still clinging and crying.

Leo nodded, and readjusted, scooting back so that the wall was to his shell.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Leo asked.

Donnie shook his head hard, and Leo got the message loud and clear.

“Do you want to sleep here tonight?” Leo asked Donnie softly, and to that, Donnie nodded. “Alright,” Leo said, shifting to lay them both back. “You can sleep with me, and if you start to have another nightmare, I’ll wake you up, okay?”

Donnie sniffed. “Okay,” he said softly.

He clung to Leo even as he slowly fell asleep, but even after Donnie was asleep, Leo didn’t try to move him. Instead, he just held his brother to him, and dropped off to sleep as well, making sure to keep Donnie safe and warm.

Donnie stuck like glue to Leo the next day, getting as close to him in training as he could, and following him everywhere. Leo had decided not to do some of the training he had planned on doing today because of it, and so he was sitting on the couch, watching some television while Donnie scribbled away on some paper.

Leo hadn’t thought much of it. Donnie was always working on something, even now. It was usually some grand idea for a vehicle, or something that he could build, but sometimes he’d do things like plants or animals. Sometimes he tried to draw out the stories that his brothers told him. But most of the time it was a design for something.

So, when Leo shifted positions and glanced at what Donnie was drawing, well, he froze. He hadn’t been expecting to see a black and gray figure with red eyes and spikes on the paper.

“Donnie,” he said, keeping his voice calm. “Who’s that?”

Donnie didn’t look up at Leo, but his coloring slowed. “…It’s the bad spikey man,” he said.

“The bad spikey man?” Leo asked.

Donnie nodded. “Mm-hm. From my nightmare. The bad spikey man is there, and you’re hurt really, really badly. We’re at Aunt April and Uncle Casey’s, and there’s fire everywhere and a giant man that tries to hurt Aunt April.” He paused his crayon slowing. “You’re hurt so bad that when we get out of Aunt April and Uncle Casey’s I don’t know if you’re alive or not.”

Oh. Oh. No wonder Donnie wanted to stick so close to him after a dream like that. But Donnie wasn’t supposed to have any of his memories from before. How was he dreaming about this?

Leo reached down and pulled Donnie up into his lap, cuddling the boy. Donnie didn’t resist, cuddling into Leo, his paper crumpling slightly as he held onto it.

“I’m sorry,” Leo said, his voice a little rough. “That… that sounds scary.”

Donnie sniffed a little and nodded. “It is,” he said his voice watery. “It’s terrifying.”

“I know,” Leo said. “But I’m here, now, and I’m not hurt, and the bad spikey man can’t hurt me or anyone.”

Donnie let out a little noise of agreement, but curled into Leo and cried anyway. Leo let him, rocking him.

Later, when Donnie was down for his nap, Leo gathered up the pictures and went to Splinter with them, telling him what Donnie had told him. Splinter, like Leo, was disturbed at this, and spent the rest of Donnie’s nap time contemplating what to do. Eventually the old rat decided it would be best to sit down as a family and explain what had happened to Donnie, in a child-friendly way, of course. They had decided long ago not to hide things from him, and this was no different, especially since he was already having nightmares about it.

When it was time, Leo got Donnie up from his nap, and the boy immediately cuddled into him, sleepily waking up. Leo smiled, enjoying the cuddles.

“Aunt April and Uncle Casey are coming over for dinner tonight,” Leo said softly.

Donnie raised his head. “Are Gus and Marie coming, too?” he asked, clearly wanting to see his human cousins.

Leo shook his head. “Not tonight. Just April and Casey.”

Donnie frowned. “Why not?” he asked. “They usually come, too.”

“They’re going to spend some time with their grandmother tonight,” Leo said.

“Oh.” Donnie frowned, and Leo could see that he was still thinking through the answer. It didn’t completely satisfy the boy, but he wasn’t contradicting it just yet. Leo wasn’t too surprised. Donnie was good at ferreting out when things didn’t make sense, and good at figuring out why, even if it took him a bit.

Still, the afternoon passed fairly quickly, Donnie still sticking close to Leo. By the time that April and Casey arrived in the lair, Leo was helping to cut up vegetables in the kitchen, Don by his side, carefully measuring things for Mikey.

“Hey guys,” April greeted them as she walked into the kitchen.

“Hi, Aunt April!” Donnie said, his face lighting up at the woman.

“Heya, squirt,” she said. “I brought some dessert!”

“Oooh, whaddya bring?” Mikey asked.

“Peach turnovers and ice cream,” she said.

“Ohhhhh!” Donnie said, clapping his hands together.

“Just stick it in the oven, April,” Mikey said. “It’ll keep warm in there. The rest of the food is on the stove and almost done.”

“Can do!” April slipped the dessert into the oven, and then turned to Donnie, hands on her hips. “So. What have you been up to, Squirt?”

Donnie chattered to April about his day, going into detail as Mikey, April and Leo finished up the food, Raph, Casey, and Splinter coming in to help set the table. It didn’t take long for everyone to settle in, and dinner to start. It went well enough, with the family chatting about things, until supper was over.

Donnie sat in between Leo and April, eating and joining in on the conversation, but still obviously trying to figure out what was going on. He grew more suspicious when, after dinner was finished and the table cleared, dessert wasn’t gotten out.

Donnie glanced at everyone. “What’s going on?” he asked, looking a little nervous.

Leo reached over and pulled Donnie into his lap. “We need to talk to you,” he said, keeping his voice gentle. “Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble. But it’s still something we need to talk about.”

Donnie turned uncertain eyes up at his brother. “Talk about what?” he asked.

“Your nightmare,” Leo said.

Donnie shrunk back. “Oh,” he said quietly. “What’s—what’s wrong with it? Is it ‘cause when I have it, I wanna stay near Leo? I’m sorry.”

“Wait—what do you mean, when you have it?” Leo asked. “You’ve had this dream before?”

Donnie shrunk back a little more and bit his lip. “Mm-hm,” he said quietly. “It’s always scary, ‘cause you get so hurt, and I’m always scared that it’s true,” he whispered out. “I’m sorry if I bother you…”

That put a new perspective on things. He’d been having this nightmare before, and every time he wanted Leo? Leo looked up at his brothers and then over at his father. “Master, do you think—when he was a baby—"

“Perhaps,” Splinter said. He turned his attention to Donnie. “My son,” Splinter said, reaching over to cup Donnie’s cheek. “No one is upset that you want to spend time with Leo after these dreams. However, we wish to know about them. Can you tell us about your nightmare last night? I have your drawings from today, if that helps.”

Donnie was anxiously pulling at his fingers, but he nodded. “O-okay,” he said, trusting his family. Splinter sat the drawings down in front of him, and Donnie looked at them for a minute, before looking back at his hands.

“Um… it always starts out in Uncle Casey and Aunt April’s building, up in the apartment. We’re all there, except Uncle Casey, Gus, and Marie. But I’m not worried about it, cause it feels like they’re not supposed to be there. But Leo’s not there, either, but it feels like he should be. It’s storming outside, and everyone is really worried about Leo not being there. It feels like something bad is about to happen.” He paused, licking his lips a little and biting his bottom one for a moment. “And then—and then something happens and Leo’s there and he’s hurt.”

“Whaddya mean, something happens?” Raph asked gently, when Donnie hesitated.

Donnie looked up at him, and then reached for the pictures, shuffling through them. He had never been the best artist, when it wasn’t technical, and that was still true. But with the context he was giving them, his childish drawings took on a new meaning.

Donnie pushed one forward. “I mean, something happens. Sometimes I see it, and sometimes I just hear it, and sometimes Leo’s just there, but it happens.” The paper had a blue square on it, with a jagged hole in the middle, colored black, and what was clearly meant to be Leo on the ground under it. “There’s always a broken window, and glass, and Leo hurt,” he whispered out. He looked at the drawing, and then down again. “I don’t like to draw him hurt.”

Leo gave Donnie a squeeze, and April reached over to squeeze the small turtle’s knee in support.

“What happens next, Donatello?” Splinter asked gently.

Donnie shuffled through the drawings again, and pushed another one forward, this time with lots of black stick figures, and green figures with their respective colors on them. Leo’s was near a pink figure with red on top, and there was a gray and brown figure there too.

“People—ninjas—break in. They come through the windows, and crash into Aunt April’s apartment. There’s lots of them, and they’re everywhere, even at the door. And I know that they don’t wanna just hurt us, they wanna kill us.” Donnie curled up more starting to tear up. “Aunt April has Leo, but he’s too hurt to help, and I dunno if he’s gonna be okay. But we fight and we fight and we fight. We managed to get down the stairs, but there’s people in cool hats in the shop,” he pushes another picture forward, black figures with brown smears over their heads, “and they fight us, too, only they’re a lot better than the other ninja.”

Donnie bit his lip again and looked over at April, before shuffling through the papers. “S-Sometimes this part happens, but sometimes it doesn’t. But I hear Aunt April scream, and she doesn’t have Leo anymore, and there’s a huge man who I know is going to hurt her. But Raphie saves her.”

He shoved a picture forwards, the pink figure of April looking small next to a big black square with a pink circle that has yellow on top. The adults all looked at each other. Hun.

“And then—” Donnie stopped, his breath hitching, like it does right before he cries.

Leo hugged him tighter. “And then what, little brother?” he said softly.

Donnie took in a gasping breath, and reached a trembling hand forward, pushing another paper forward. “And then he comes,” the child whispered out.

On the paper was a figure drawn in more detail than the rest. Black and gray, with red eyes, and spikes coming out of him, it was clearly a picture of the Shredder.

Donnie teared up. “He gets there, and I get so, so scared. Because he’s not supposed to be there. He’s not supposed to be able to hurt us. But he hurt Leo, hurt him badly, and Leo’s not moving as much as he was. We all try to fight him, but he beats us back. He steals my staff and uses it against Father, and I’m scared, because he could hurt Father, but also I’m fighting all these bad ninja without any weapons and they’re getting closer and—”

Donnie cut off, and reached his hands up, wiping at his face, at the tears that were falling. “It’s so scary,” he said, his voice watery. “Uncle Casey gets there soon, on his motorcycle, through the store’s window, and he helps, but there’s too many of them still. We keep fighting, but Leo’s stopped moving or talking and I’m scared he’s dead.” Donnie’s voice wavered, but he kept talking. “We all run and hide in a closet, but then the closet gets locked from the outside, and there’s smoke, and I know that we’re gonna blow up.”

Donnie was fully crying by this point. “We’re gonna blow up, and Leo’s hurt and might be dying and the ninjas were trying to kill us and we’re all gonna die!” He curled in on himself. “We crawl out a hole in the back of the closet, but then Aunt April and Uncle Casey’s building blows up. But we have to run, we have to get away because the ninja might still try to come after us. We’re all hurt but Leo’s hurt the worst and I don’t know if he’s gonna live or die, and that’s when I wake up and—”

Donnie turned in Leo’s lap, standing in it throwing his arms around Leo’s neck. “It’s so scary!” he wailed. “I don’t want you to die! And it feels real! And when I wake up, and you’re not there, I think it might be, and I get scared and then I just have to make sure you’re alright the rest of the day, because it was so scary!”

For a moment, Leo just held Donnie close, shushing him and rocking him gently. “It’s alright, Little Brother. I’m here. I’m not hurt and I’m alive. It’s alright.”

Leo looked at the others, who all looked a bit stricken. It was hard enough to understand what had happened at fifteen. How were they going to explain it to a six-year-old?

When Donnie had calmed some, Splinter reached out for him. “Donatello. Come here, my son,” he said.

Donnie obediently went, immediately curling into his father’s hold, little hand curling into his robe. Splinter smiled down at him and pressed his nose on his head. He pulled back just enough to be able to see Donnie’s tear-streaked face.

Splinter took a breath. “Donatello. Do you remember what we told you when you started asking about the older turtle in purple in the pictures?”

Donnie sniffed but nodded. “Mm-hm. You said he was me, but an older me, and that the Time Scepter had made me a little kid again. And that while I was the same, I was also different.”

Splinter nodded. “Yes, very good. That Donatello had many adventures with his brothers, as I am sure you will have one day. But not everything that happened to him was good,” Splinter said gently. “Nor was everything that happened to this family.”

Donnie looked up at Splinter, his brow furrowing as he tried to piece together what his father was saying. Splinter reached over and picked up the picture of the Shredder.

“We had thought all your memories from your previous life were gone, but it appears that a few have stayed,” Splinter said.

Donnie’s head shot up. “You mean—you mean it’s real?” he said. “My nightmare is real?”

Splinter let out a heavy sigh. “It was a real thing that happened, yes,” he said.

Donnie’s head whipped around to look at Leo in horror. Leo just gave him a sad smile back.

“When we were fifteen,” he said, “we defeated the Shredder—or so we thought. But he survived, and in revenge he decided to hunt me down.” Leo’s smile faded. “It was a rainy day, storming, and I was hurt very, very badly.”

“We were staying at April’s,” Mikey said. “She and Casey weren’t even dating yet, so it was just April’s place. The Foot—those bad ninja in your dream—were hunting for us down in the sewers. We were just hiding out at April’s hoping to wait them out.”

“They did throw Leo through a window,” Raph said. “And he was hurt badly. Worse than any of us had ever been hurt before.” Raph’s fist clenched. “And then the Foot Ninja came pouring through the window and we had to fight for our lives, just like you dreamed.”

“I did try to take care of Leo,” April said. “And we did fight our way downstairs. There was a big man, too, Hun, who tried to hurt me twice that night. Raph saved me the first time. Casey saved me the second.”

“And the Foot Elite, the ones with the cool hats, they were there, too,” Mikey said. “And they were really dangerous.”

“I busted in just like you said, Little Man,” Casey said. “Took down as many of those ninja as I could.”

Splinter ran a comforting hand over Donnie’s shell. “We fought hard but had to retreat to an old cooler that April was using as a closet. The Shredder set the place on fire, mostly likely cut the gas lines, and did blow up the building. We were fortunate in that there was a patched hole where a freezing unit used to be that we could escape through.” He ran a soothing hand on Donnie’s head. “But Leonardo was badly injured and growing worse at that point. We escaped up to the farmhouse, and Leonardo recovered there.” He sighed again, although he smiled comfortingly at Donnie. “Your dream, my son, was more than a dream, but a memory.”

Donnie had been tracking each person as they spoke, and now his eyes were fixed on Splinter. Horror and fear danced through them, even as he teared up again, and he began to tremble from fear. “It all happened?” he said, his voice soft, but horrified. “The spikey bad man is real? He’s the Shredder?”

Don had known that the Shredder was a bad guy, but he hadn’t realized how bad. His eyes teared up. “But—he can’t get us again, right? We’re—we’re safe?” He looked over at Leo. “He can’t hurt you like that again, right?” Tears began to fall. “Right?”

Splinter cuddled his smallest son to him, making sure to keep him as safe and secure as possible in his arms. “No. He cannot hurt anyone ever again.” Splinter said, his voice firm. “Never.”

Donnie turned into Splinter, burying his face in his fur, and crying. It took a few minutes for him to calm down again. “Can I sleep with you tonight, Father?” he asked, his voice muffled.

Splinter pressed a kiss to Donatello’s head. “Of course you can,” he said.

“And Leo, too?”

Leo smiled. “Yeah. I’ll come, too.”

“And Mikey and Raphie?”

“Why don’t we just have a sleepover in the living room,” Raph suggested instead, clearly seeing where this was going. Donnie peeked out from Splinter’s hold and nodded a bit.

“You know what every good sleepover starts with?” Mikey said, standing up. “Dessert! Why don’t we get into those peach turnovers that April brought over?”

Donnie sniffed. “Okay.”

They ate dessert at the table, Donnie ending up back in Leo’s lap again. After cleaning up, Donnie was carried into the living room, where he was passed from person to person while they watched movies, until April and Casey had to leave. After that, his brothers piled with him in the space they had made on the floor, Donnie in the middle, and Splinter nearby.

Donnie cuddled into the middle of the pile of warmth, listening to the TV and to the song Splinter hummed under his breath. He was still upset that the man in his dreams had turned out to be the Shredder, and that Leo had really been hurt so badly. The idea of anyone wanting to do that scared him. But here, with his brothers, he felt safe and protected. His nightmare was true, and that was scary. But his family was here, and they’d made it through. And right now? Right now, that was enough for Donnie. He cuddled in, closed his eyes, and let sleep take him. And anytime he felt restless or started to have a nightmare that night, well, a brother was always right there to soothe him back to sleep. Just like he knew they always would be.

#TMNT #TMNT 2003 #TMNT 2k3 #TMNT AU #TMNT Donatello #TMNT Leonardo #Little Don AU #tmnt fan fiction #tmnt fanfic

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justa-snake · 2 days

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whey tehree!! doexes dyou wanavt a dfree..(: lobostomy:::(/7/$383! idn my gargearge @////t 6:36 saam??

Sobbing

This is what I wake up to?? 😭 (/Notneg)

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quietblueriver · 1 year

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One more!

Maybe this won't be so heavy if you carry it too

Quick thing #3.

Some lunch break angst. Shannon/Mary + Beatrice. Thank you for the prompt @kasadilla11!

Beatrice learns quickly after joining the OCS that Mary and Shannon are together. It’s shocking to her, not just that it’s true but that they seem to put little to no effort into hiding it. They’re not holding hands at dinner, but Beatrice, who is very good both at being exactly where she is supposed to be and at minding her own business, happens upon them kissing three times in her first two months at Cat’s Cradle. Each time, it’s the middle of the day. Each time, it’s out in the open.

The first time they don’t notice her. Beatrice stares for a moment, caught in shock and a blend of other things that don’t make her proud—jealousy and resentment and shame.

Beatrice doesn’t know either Mary or Shannon well. She’s just started and they’re not the most accessible people. She respects that, being rather reserved herself, and she’s not quick to judge. Still, she has her first impressions, and what little she’s heard from the other girls seem to back those up. Mary is strong and strategic and irreverent. She is an unorthodox but incredibly skilled fighter, and she believes in the cause, even if not in the Church itself. Shannon, of course, is the halo-bearer. She’s chosen. She’s worthy. She carries something holy, something powerful, something beyond herself. It only makes sense that she is brilliant and dedicated. Given what Beatrice knows about the fate of halo-bearers, about the responsibility they bear, it makes sense that she’s guarded, as well.

She has heard some of the other girls call her cold, but there is only warmth in the smile on Shannon’s face as she moves forward to kiss Mary. There is only warmth in the way her fingers rest on Mary’s cheekbone as she presses their lips together, in the way her whole body leans into the action, giving and taking at the same time. There is only warmth in the spark of light that Beatrice sees in the small gap between Shannon’s back and the wall, bright and pure and holy.

She averts her gaze as soon as she is able to gather herself and walks quickly but quietly in the other direction. She doesn’t tell anyone about what she saw but it’s hard to get out of her mind. She thinks about how Shannon has chosen to keep that part of herself, that capacity for love and tenderness, locked away. She knows a little bit about how much it must hurt.

The second time, they do notice her. Beatrice is coming back from a training session, practice bo in hand. She stops short when she sees them pressed together, but before she can get away, Mary sees her. They lock eyes briefly, and then Mary looks away, whispers something to Shannon. After a moment, Shannon’s hands tracing down Mary’s arms and squeezing her wrists, they break apart. Whey they walk past her, she gets no acknowledgement beyond a barely perceptible nod from Mary.

Shannon had already been distant, and nothing really changes. She interacts with Beatrice professionally and does nothing more than that. She’s not impolite, but she makes no effort to speak to Beatrice beyond what is absolutely necessary. She catches Mary eyeing her curiously a few times, and at first it makes her nervous, but it occurs to her that if Mary wanted her to be intimidated, she would certainly know it.

Instead, she seems to be…trying to get to know her. She talks to Beatrice as much as anyone else, maybe slightly more. Not that that’s a lot. Still, it’s something. Beatrice sees her smile a small smile when she wins the impromptu tournament the sisters organize for fun one morning when Mother Superion has been called away. She allows herself to feel a tiny bit of pride, straightens her shoulders. Mary winks at her. She thinks, as she lets herself take a few minutes longer than she normally would in the shower, that it’s possible that Mary likes her.

Of course, it’s that same afternoon that she catches them for the third time. It’s the most compromising position—Shannon has Mary pressed against a column near the armory, her mouth on Mary’s neck and her hand wandering somewhere beneath Mary’s shirt. This shocks her so much that she lets out an involuntary, “Oh.”

Shannon looks up, her eyes like a challenge. She pulls her hand back to rest on Mary’s waist over her shirt but does not put any distance between their bodies. Beatrice nearly runs in the opposite direction and locks herself in her room. She sits alone at dinner, which has become her usual practice anyway, and she pretends as though nothing happened when she sees Shannon at evening prayer. She goes to bed early while the other girls go to the kitchen to make tea.

She repeats this pattern until a few nights later when she can’t any longer. Beatrice doesn’t say anything and she doesn’t intend to, but she knows Mary and Shannon have no reason to know or believe that, so she isn’t shocked when Shannon knocks on her door after evening prayer.

“Do you have a minute?”

The intonation indicates a question but Shannon is crossing into Beatrice’s room and turning the small chair by her desk to face the bed where Beatrice sits before Beatrice has a chance respond. She was only ever going to say yes, but the message about who has the power in their conversation is received. She doesn’t bother to answer, just watches Shannon expectantly. Shannon takes the time to make herself comfortable, crossing her legs at the knee and leaning back in the chair, arms crossed. Beatrice had been getting ready to braid her hair and now she waits, sitting on the end of her bed, elastics and brush next to her on top of her duvet.

“Mother Superion and Father Vincent are aware of the nature of my relationship with Mary. They don’t know anything specific, because even though the OCS is…different to other orders, it’s still part of the Church. And I have taken vows that I haven’t formally renounced.”

The formally doesn’t go unnoticed.She pauses, and Beatrice isn’t sure what to say other than, “Okay.”

The look Shannon gives her is appraising and unimpressed, and Beatrice thinks maybe she should offer more, give some kind of reassurance. She doesn’t want Shannon to think that she hates her or that she’s disgusted by what she saw. She’s afraid, suddenly, that she’s given that impression, that her silence is no better than the whispers of her classmates in the locker room. Worse, maybe, because Beatrice knows how her own mind can fill in blank spaces.

The words rush out of her, then, breathy and in a higher pitch than normal, almost frantic. “I wasn’t planning on telling anyone what I saw. I promise. I’ve seen you before, and I didn’t say anything then, either. It’s not my business, and I don’t…” She hesitates. She wants to say that she doesn’t judge, but she isn’t, to her own embarrassment, sure that it’s true. In fact, she knows it’s not true. She feels everything she felt in that hallway the first time she saw them, and every time since, every ugly thing right there in her brain and on her heart. Before she understands what’s happening, she’s crying. It’s mortifying and she wipes her eyes quickly. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I won’t tell anyone. I promise.”

Shannon is looking at her the same way she looks at the other girls when they’re sparring—like she’s taking notes for later, figuring out the way she works. Beatrice cries harder and hates herself but forces herself to meet Shannon’s eyes. She feels so far from herself, from control, but she can’t stop, needs Shannon to understand. “I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t. It’s…I’m…I…I understand. Shannon, I…I understand.” She’s unintentionally opened a door and now she can’t shut it. Me too, she wants to scream. Me too. She doesn’t know what to do, can’t make herself stop crying but can’t let herself say more.

“Please.” She doesn’t know what she’s asking for, but she watches surprise register in Shannon’s eyes, then something softer, and suddenly she’s next to Beatrice, an arm around her shoulders and a voice in her ear.

“It’s okay, Beatrice. It’s okay.”

She sits with Beatrice for an hour, at least, letting her cry and then picking up Beatrice’s brush and scooting back on her bed until her back hits the wall. It’s such an out-of-character action for the hard, graceful warrior nun that Beatrice has to blink to be sure but yes, there’s Shannon, legs in a v-shape. She pats the space between them with the hand not holding the brush and Beatrice pulls herself back, sits criss-cross applesauce while Shannon brushes and braids her hair.

“If you ever want to talk about it,” she says conversationally as she ties a band around the bottom of one braid, “I’m here.” Beatrice knows suddenly that she waited until Beatrice didn’t have to look into her eyes to make this offer. It’s a kindness that has her blinking away more tears.

“No pressure, of course.” She’s braiding the second section of hair now, and she’s nonchalant, could very well be telling Beatrice about an article she read over breakfast. “I don’t want to make assumptions but I think we might have some things in common. I had no intention of breaking my vows. I joined as a person of faith. I still am. I’ve just…come to understand some things about myself and about the Church differently. I have plenty of reasons to repent. My love for Mary isn’t one of them. The way that I love isn’t one of them.”

They sit quietly as she finishes the second braid, and she gives Beatrice a few more minutes of quiet before squeezing her shoulders and moving from the bed, Beatrice shifting to sit against her pillows.

“I’m serious, Beatrice. Come talk to me anytime you want to. Mary, too. It’s easier, sometimes, not to carry things alone.”

Beatrice nods and says, “Thank you.” There’s no way that she can express the gratitude that she feels. Shannon nods and smiles and leaves Beatrice to her thoughts.

The next day, when Beatrice goes to prepare for training, she finds that her practice bo have been replaced with foam pool toys, her tunic with a life vest. Mother Superior is gone for the day, and she hesitates before deciding that she can have a little harmless fun. Shannon laughs from across the courtyard when she emerges holding a foam noodle with a dragon’s head, face deadly serious, and approaches the novitiate with whom she’s set to spar. A few minutes later Mary finds her and trades her for a bo, clapping her on the back and leaving Beatrice feeling less lonely than she has in a long time.

Over the next several months, Beatrice does seek Shannon out, tentative and skittish. Shannon is patient and kind and never pushes, and sometimes it’s all Beatrice can do to sit quietly with her as they pray, letting herself be with someone who is like her and unapologetic, who shares her values, who loves Mary and God and refuses to believe that she cannot do both at the same time.

Sometimes, they talk. Shannon says, matter of factly, “It took me a long time to understand that I can be queer and love God.”

She says, without hesitation, “The Church has hurt so many people, individually and systematically and without apology, all in the name of God. There is so much harm in the history of our faith. I’m trying, now, to help make the world better, even if I can never make up for what the Church has done.”

Beatrice knows this is true, has wrangled for a long time with the violence of her faith, literal and metaphorical, and with the violence she still does in its name. She spends days thinking about Shannon’s face as she told her, quietly, about the weekend she spent as a teenager staring at a bottle of her older brother’s pain pills and a bottle of vodka she had stolen from her parents’ cabinet. Where is God in that?

Sometimes, she talks about Mary. “I hurt her very badly, at first,” Shannon says into the low light of Beatrice’s room, their legs pressed together as they share the small space of Beatrice’s bed, “And over time I realized that it didn’t work, to carve out exceptions for myself. Why would she believe that I could love queer people, that I could be okay with her even just as a friend, when I hated that part of me? I still struggle, but it’s…she’s…loving her is a kind of miracle.” The halo brightens the room and Beatrice is reminded of how something holy lives in Shannon, not that she ever really forgets.

She asks, sometimes, “Do you want to talk about it?”

And sometimes, Beatrice does. Sometimes she lets herself talk about her father’s cold eyes and the sting of her mother’s hand, the hurt and the shame and the loneliness. She still lives in those emotions, in ways that Shannon doesn’t, and Beatrice wonders if she’ll ever be where Shannon is. It’s doubtful, of course. Shannon has Mary and a love that brought her new perspective. Beatrice isn’t sure she could accept that kind of love, even if it ever found her. Still, Shannon is right. It’s a burden that’s less heavy when shared.

She knows, as soon as they pick her up, that Shannon’s not going to make it. There’s Divinium everywhere, her torso a patchwork of blue light, and Shannon’s eyes are resigned in a way that makes Beatrice wants to scream. She doesn’t, of course, but she doesn’t lie to Mary either. It’s a truth Mary already knows, anyway.

When it’s time, she kisses her forehead, and she leaves, forces everything she’s feeling down and down and down as she moves back to an active defensive position.

She finds Mary later, in her room, and when she shifts slightly in her bed, Beatrice moves to sit beside her. She offers her hand, palm up on the duvet between them, and Mary takes it.

She cannot bring Shannon back. She cannot fix it. She misses her deeply, a pain unlike anything she’s ever felt before, but she’s not under the impression that she and Mary are the same. She’s not sure Mary would want to share the weight of Shannon’s absence, even if she could. Beatrice doesn’t ask her to, not now at least. Now, she sits with Mary in her room, and loves her, and doesn’t let her suffer alone. They’re quiet together, for a long, long time.

#warrior nun #sister shannon #shotgun mary #sister beatrice #warrior nun fic #wn prompt fic

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