#No and you're so fucking mean to me you're horrible you're fucking abusive you're controlling you're -

[blackvahana]

christ it hits me a lot how shit I was treated by lull and how much I thought that was normal. Lev set up a study room in my house, and... he said I can come in because I was sort of obviously asking the question without even knowing I was asking, like I wanted to ask the question but knew it'd be a no. Why did I know itd be a no? Well a study space is a serious space for actual academic and general people who do work to use, full of books and journals that both aren't my business and will be easily messed up if I touch them, and there's no reason for me to be in there anyway because I don't do work, a study is only a space for normal people and not people who mess everything up and - how do i know this? Oh I mean because lull - yeah

[stolasdearest]

I saw that you didn't have any ideas for the 3rd prompt so maybeeee the moment Alastor makes a deal with the reader and he's all like "jeje all this power for the small price of my soul" and then the readers like "nu-uh that's not a small price actually, I'm gonna treat you horribly" and then it dawns on him that he literally sold his soul. :P

Or after the fight with Adam the reader like goes to rub it in Alastors face by helping him patch up and stuff after hearing him sing about him trying to find a way to get out of their deal.

Also manic Alastor giggles 💕✨💖

Whichever you want if you want, don't want you to feel pressured or stressed!

Also I am loving the Rosie and Alastor fics you've been writing they are amazing! 💖 You are definitely my fav hazbin writer ✨✨

As always, drink water and eat a snack!

✨ anon

Alastor x Overlord!Reader˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

ׂׂૢ pairing : Alastor x Reader

ׂׂૢ cw: Not proofread, abuse of power, Reader being mean (in a loving (not really) way)

ׂׂૢ reader is gender neutral

𝐍𝐨𝐰 𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠. . .

While quietly walking among the broken remains of the hotel your eyes scanned every piece of debris watching the dust settle from the violent, bloody fight you witnessed; stepping in Yellow glowing blood you paid no mind before your eyes slowly trailed to the trail of red blood; back to a very familiar spot that you knew all too well, with a shrug of your shoulders and a deep breath you, you made your way to the tower; the blood of your dearest soul sticking to the sole of your shoe.

Arriving at the shattered and battered radio tower, you easily hoisted yourself up into it; not making the slightest effort at keeping your presence unknown to Alastor who was hunched over his control panel; rigid, shallow fast breaths while his chest heaved; you smugly watched his ears flatten further upon his realization of who had found him, his gaze shifting to meet yours after a few seconds his body too, turning to you; revealing that nasty gash on his chest his eyes seemed heavy, his smile strained; wince and pained expressions contorting as you tutted at the Overlord while walking up to him; gently undoing the layers to get to the gash, his hand raised; hesitating to stop you his hand quickly retreating back to the control panel with one sharp glare from you.

"you should be more careful. Look at you, I thought I didn't need to see you this truly pathetic again"

Your words cut through him as his eyes averted every inch of you; shame, embarrassment and humiliation washing over his weakened body before he leaned more into the control panel, his sharp nails digging further into the metal surface at the next venom laced words coming out your mouth

"oh. So because you're hurt means you no longer answer me, Alastor?"

"no,no you're right I'm sorry, I should've been more careful"

The sweat dripping from his forehead while one of his eyes lingered on you watching you meticulously work on his fresh wound, your face didn't match your hands gentleness however; your eyes filled with annoyance and hints of just pure anger; you had better things to do then take care of his pathetic self; he had felt your tug when he was hit, essentially further convincing him to get the fuck out of there; the second he was away he knew he'd never hear the end of it from you; and now his flattened ears are listening those very said words.

"I thought you were a powerful overlord, you honestly thought this would've been a good idea? It seemed I underestimated you"

Every new word, every new insult and comment made him wince again and again while glancing at you looking for perhaps a sign you'd soon let up with your entourage of sickly words, not helped by the sly smug smirk very abhorrent smirk on your face, Alastors eyes met yours; seeing a glint in your orbs, God how he hated being infront of you it always felt so overwhelmingly humiliation under your precise watch.

"you can be glad I saved you last minute, honestly why do I need to save you every time, The leader of the exorcists; did you think he'd be an easy fight? Or did you go into that fight wanting to embarrass me?"

The silence in the broken radio tower was thick and deafening, Alastor shallowed the lump in his throat and opened his mouth, trying to look at you, looking for even the slightest bit of worry in your eyes, trying to find even a sliver of you that actually cares about him, quickly snapping back when he felt a rough hand grab his jaw and pulling to kneel over while his body tensed at the pain shooting through his body

"answer me, before you lose that tongue of yours."

His breathing quickened and his clawed hand gently came to hold your wrist, seeing him fighting to regain his composure.

"i— I don't know what I was thinking, that was stupid of me..I apologize"

"hm. So you can listen. Pull yourself together"

You let go of his jaw, clearing your throat and stepping away from him; turning your back to the Overlord and leaving through the hatch you come through; leaving Alastor stood there with a gentler hand replacing the one you had, the other one hovering over the cleaned and patched up wound.

Author's note : man...I GOT A LIL LAZY AT THR END....I KINDA HATE THISSS

Taglist : @k1y0yo @ihavetoomanyfictionalcrushes @d0nutsaur @anni1600

[firesnap]

i have a genuine question. i promise i am not at all trying to defend him. ive dropped him entirely, literally deleted everything i had of him and unliked his songs.

ive just been wondering like considering that he has been in therapy, and also considering how if he does take a year off and then comes back, why cant it be redeemable? like cant people change? cant we give them second chances? he is 27. is he just doomed to be an abuser forever?

its just scary and im asking as like a younger person who is in my very early 20s. i know ive made mistakes. i know ive not been a good partner or friend sometimes. (and yes i was also abusive to a past partner...im not proud of it and ive learned from it. i have never ever touched anyone in that way after that. it took awhile but my current relationship isnt toxic and i would never hurt anyone or hit them again yknow?) and it scares me that people keep insinuating that he is irredeemable. like cant abusers change and become better? dont they get second chances? if shelby has grown and healed in 10 months wouldn't it be fair to say the same for wilbur?

im just genuinely asking because based on everything i believe you are older than me and im looking for guidance and just...idk im scared. growing up on the internet has made me so scared of making mistakes and doing anything wrong because when it happens to others i look up to, its always treated as something they'll never be able to change or improve. makes me feel like imma just be a horrible person forever because i made mistakes in the past.

This is a really complicated question that multiple answers can validly fit.

I don't think, personally, that anyone is irredeemable. I think everyone is on a journey of forgiveness and some of us may need more grace than others.

This is tw// abuse even more than the current topic, but my mom was incredibly abusive. We lived in a very rural area and she had a lot of undiagnosed problems and trauma of her own that created a pressure pot of issues. After I was born, she suffered through full on post-partum psychosis that nearly ended about as well as that sentence implies it could have. She was incredibly violent, controlling, and cruel for years. My sister went no-contact with her the second she turned 18. A significant event occurred that eventually spurned her into seeking real treatment that lasted for years. It's still ongoing.

My sister is also still no contact and I support her decision 100%. Those are her wounds and what she needed to do to get peace should be respected. I decided I wanted a relationship with the person who came out of all that work and, even then, it's been hard. I don't know if she's redeemed herself, and my god do we still have bumps in the road, but I support her for trying.

With Wilbur, how he responds to this is going to really impact a lot of things. I mean, I know no matter how he responds I won't be going on whatever journey of redemption and healing he has to go through. I'm tired and I feel hurt enough. I would think, if he wanted to show he was sincere, admitting what happened would be a great sense of closure for a lot of people who put time and energy and faith into this guy for years.

Not every person that causes harm is inherently evil, but there has to be some kind of knowledge that you're aware of the harm you've caused. No one is stuck as anything forever, life is constantly moving, and most people aren't saying his life is just over. You can work on yourself. You can change. And I'm saying that specifically to you, anonymous.

(Saying this, actually, there ARE people who would argue once you've done x you're beyond redemption based entirely on their life experiences as a victim, personal histories and many other factors. Kinda like my sister, that's their choice. And you have to accept that sometimes you fuck up so badly that you will permanently lose some people from your life. But your life isn't over.)

But I do think, regardless of what he says or does about this, his time of controlling a large platform is at an end. He can still do a lot of things in his life after he works on himself -- editing, song producing, directing, writing or whatever -- but being in charge of a large impressionable audience that could enable more destructive behaviors is just not it.

[verosikastrikerstellaexcuser]

Adding on to previous anon, can the fandom please explain why it's *Stella's* fault they were forced into a child marriage? Can they explain why it's *her* fault they were forced to conceive an heir? If anything, it's both their parent's fault.

The more they present Stella as just a heartless creature, the more tragic she becomes. Now she was a little girl with visible anger issues, and *nobody* bothered to help her or care for her as a person, just as an incubator. This is why she's wasted because she could have been a great example of generational trauma AND an example of a female abuser

This is what I've always thought and I've said it on here before that its appalling to portray a victim of an arranged marriage whos even more disadvantaged by it than the man like this show does (since St*las gets the whole house in the divorce but Stellas only option was to marry him so she could never own her own property, basically Stella has no property rights much like women used to not historically). The St*las stans just don't. Fucking. Get it. They say you're an abuse apologist and that its ridiculous that "Stella fans can't accept that sometimes women are just bad people" yes we fucking can. I'd have no issues with a female Alastor, for example. But the issue with Stella is that since birth shes been a victim of so much heinous shit, and yet shes BLAMED for it by the show and Viv etc like WTH?

The issue isn't that Stella is as an abuser. But that wasn't set up and done properly, much like many things in this show. The way shes mean to Stolas "just because" is fucking nuts. Like what do you mean just because? Yes, some abusers are abusers just because. But that doesn't work when Stella had 0 choice in marrying St*las like huh!? Shes been valued as nothing more than a baby incubator and for her looks since birth. She never had control over her own future in life and if she never wanted to be a mother, tough. If they had written her as being angry about that and then taking it out on St*las it wouldn't have pissed me off. What pisses me off is that the show and the fanbase is encouraged to act like shes a heinous bitch on the level of someone like VALENTINO. Nope, nope nope nope. A woman forced to bear a child with a man she didn't want to by her family is not on that same fucking level. Her abusing the man who also had no choice isn't right but she still never could have been "horrible just because". She is not Jack Horner from Puss In Boots. A victim of a forced arranged marriage could never be that, because Jack Horner type characters are evil just because they love to be despite stable happy upbringings, while Stella has like 5000 reasons to be evil. Which, let me preface with, I'm not saying it would make her abuse of St*las justified then. But it WOULD make it logical, her motivations would feel much more coherent. Instead of the show weirdly and nonsensically writing a woman being an abuser not because shes lashing out at being the victim of an arranged marriage but just because "shes evil" and the arranged marriage never affected her.

She should have been a sympathetic antagonist if they wanted to be her one. But instead the show and Viv encourages the fanbase to believe that none of what was done to her as a child affected her (yea pretty much impossible for that not to impact someone we are our upbringings and environments). We're supposed to believe she totally didn't mind being arranged married because she's mindless and just thought "oh fuck it, I mean I hate St*las and can't stand him but I'm not affected at all by being arranged married to him, and I'm not gonna mindlessly stick around to bully him muehehehe I love being brainless and hateful and evil just because!" Its such bad writing to write your female victim of an arranged marriage like this while your male one is an innocent soft uwu baby who never did anything wrong ever. Because all the arranged marriage and Stella's story boils down to is tragedy for St*las and opposition to the St*litz ship. Its so ick. Its exactly how misogynistic yaoi fanfics of the early 2010s would write women, the misogyny is completely transparent.

[baby-tini]

What kind of doms are all mikey timelines?

TW- Abuse in Kanto!Mikeys part.

I am not the most knowledgeable when it comes to the BDSM community, so if there is any misinformation or harmful content please let me know, so that I can fix it.

Toman!Mikey- Daddy Dom. He's both strict and playful, the perfect balance of a dom. He's also very heavy on aftercare and he makes sure that you're well taken care of, even if he's horribly tired. Because, he prioritizes you above everything and anyone else. He definitely feels like the type too let you just play with his hair as he sits in meetings with his legs spread as he barley listens to his, already, anxious lackeys that are trying so hard too not fuck up and receive a round in their skull, especially in front of you. While he does have rules with the high expectations that you follow them to a T, you usually have a lot of freedom and can do as you please, as longs you're not getting into trouble, because depending on what you did, the punishment will not be too nice for you... or your ass.

Manila!Mikey- Brat Taming Dom. I've stated this already here, but I'll happily dive into it a bit more. Manila!Mikey gets a sick kick out of your disobedience, it's not the act in it's self, but more of what it always leads to, which is punishment. He'll let you do as you please, just watching you as he sits on the couch as you stomp your foot on the floor, with a loud whine for whatever it is that you're wanting in that very moment. His face blank as his eyes stay locked on you before his arm lurches forward and he has your shirt in a tight grip as you quickly stumble forward into his lap before he puts you on the floor, on your knees, looking up at him as he pulls your head back, his hand tugging at the roots. His other hand squeezed tightly around your jaw as he tilts his head to the side. The look in his obsidian eyes empty as he stares you down, your lips sealed as you hold your breath, your eyes deer-wide as you wait for him too do something.

Kanto!Mikey- Sadistic Dom. Now, it's no big surprise that this version of Mikey is mean and harsh, he makes it very obvious that he is too be respected and never questioned and that's what you do. Because you know Kanto!Mikey can fly off the handle within seconds, being a relationship is like walking on eggshells and you have too be very cautious with every question you ask and everything you do because it's heavily monitored by him or his lackeys. He thrives off the fearful look in your eyes, because that's what his whole gang is gang is based on, the fear of Mikey and he knows that. Fear is still respect at the end of the day, and as soon as you see him walking to you, his composure calm but you know that it's the farthest thing from good and the consequences will be dire as you feel his hand grab you up by your hair and drag you away, some of the strands being tugged out.

Bonten!Mikey- Hard Dom. I think this version of Mikey would thrive in a dynamic like this, simply because control is a very big thing for Mikey and he expects complete obedience and he's not too happy when you display behaviors that are against that, in any way really. While you know he's in control, he also enacts this control in less obvious ways as well, such as, choosing your clothes, deciding how you get your nails done and even how you style your hair that day. Your days are very scheduled, not fully packed, he does let you have some down time and relax, he's not always hounding over you, you have time for your own activities, but he does control a large part of your day. He, just like Kanto!Mikey and Toman!Mikey, has rules for you, but his rules are more day-to-day based instead of in general, especially with how all over the place his schedule can be, so he just accommodates your rules for that day based on himself.

Street Racer!Mikey- Pleasure Dom. He is very giving and fully focuses on satisfying you before he even lets you think about touching him. The foreplay with him is long and welcoming as he drawls out your pleasure and makes you cum for him over and over again, leaving your head all cloudy as he has youm laid on your back and spread for him, but it's not an uncomfortable vulnerability with him, it's very welcoming. He makes you want too be vulnerable with him because it's a scarce kind of trust that people rarely feel, but with Mikey, it's so easy too let him do everything for you, for you too let him make you feel good because he always makes it worth every second of it. He's so intuned with you during these intimate moments as well, always checking with you, not for every little thing because he knows the tiniest of twitches in your muscles when you need a break or are, quite often, insatiable. He makes sure that he pays close attention, but he does expect you too verbalize what you want or need, sometimes too be a tease but more often, your verbal reassurance.

[la-pheacienne]

Alright I'm choosing violence yet again because that's what we do in this house.

You guys are seriously creepy about adultery. Like. Seriously. It's not even a joke. In the beginning I thought this bizarre attitude was limited to fandom discourse but I don't think that's the case anymore. I think you guys will eventually need to come to terms with the fact that :

1) Adultery is not criminal behavior, at least in the Western world, since... quite a while actually.

2) Married people can and do fall in love with other people and even occasionally fuck them and this is a very real part of human experience that you need to eventually face.

3) Women who cheat on their husbands are not actually whores.

4) Being "the other woman" (funny phrase) does not automatically give you the seal of ultimate shame, depravity and ruined vagina unlike what your grandma may have told you.

5) Nobody is actually going to give you a golden cookie if you're a faithful god-fearing woman in your own marriage.

6) The fidelity of a man is not and should not be a reward for being a "good"/"correct" woman and having a faithful husband is not the Ultimate Badge of a Woman's Worth and Value unlike popular belief.

7) Likewise, having a man cheat on you does not make you Unworthy, Pathetic and Forever Ruined, it just means they wanted to fuck someone else. A man is not and should not be responsible for your value or worth, not even your husband.

8) From the list of all the harmful things a man can inflict on a woman, cheating is actually the least harmful. It is somehow rebranded as the most harmful, for obvious reasons patriarchy, which leads us to the centuries old pervasive mentality of "he's x, y and z (enter abusive, controlling, boring, horrible in bed) but AT LEAST he LOVES ME he's fAiThFuL and has eyes onLY for ME isn't that rOMaNTIC??". No, it is not. A man can cheat on you after years of being a supportive partner, giving you the best sex of your life, being a great parent for your kids, in short, after years of making your life better in all the ways that matter. A man can be blindly faithful to you and also be a horrible lover and a boring, controlling or abusive partner. Fidelity is socially treated as the number 1 undisputed proof of a man's love for a woman and number 1 undisputed proof of his value as a partner and it absolutely should not be so. This is actually a dangerous mentality and you learned it from me today.

9) Marriage vows are not engraved on our skin, they are not the unbreakable vows of harry potter where if you break them you lose your life, they are not the 10th commandments, they are not the vows of the night's watch. Marriage vows are nothing more than an legal agreement between two people and the state, and agreements are sometimes breached. People's genitals are not automatically covered with sealed concrete when they sign the paper, as much as it would like it to be so. People may agree on fidelity for life but they do preserve their bodily and sexual autonomy and free will even after marriage and sometimes they do prioritize that over their agreement because humans are just like that. I get that this very simple fact sucks, I do. But life sometimes sucks, relationships are unpredictable, people change their minds and can't/don't always want to resist on their desires or needs, and things don't always go as planned because as a general rule, you can't control other people's choices. Only your own.

10) Cheating is a morally reprehensible act, but that doesn't necessarily mean that people who cheat are inherently the epitomy of moral depravity or that their faithful partner is the saint in the relationship. Maybe they are, maybe they're not. Maybe they are both problematic, maybe the cheater is the victim, maybe the faithful partner is actually the problem. It fucking depends. In the year of our lord 2024 you need to perhaps acknowledge that this obsession with fidelity in marriage as the Absolute Hallmark of a healthy relationship and the Ultimate Seal of moral purity is actually a by-product of harmful strict patriarchal/religious values, real life is less black and white and the world is not split between faithful partners with a halo over their head and filthy cheating partners that should be lynched. This is bordering on biological essentialism and let's just say that's not the vibe.

11) A big part of the disgust "cheaters" inspire to a certain category of people is simply thinly concealed sex-averse puritanism, rebranded as ethics. Not all of us fall for that.

12) Feeling hurt, betrayed, traumatized, furious or disgusted after being cheated on is a totally valid reaction. Feeling outraged or disgusted on behalf of other people being cheated on isn't a valid reaction. The scarlet letter was published almost two centuries ago. You are still wayy too comfortable talking about other people's sex lives and passing judgment on account of what they are doing with their own genitals. Likewise, you do not have a say on the cheatee's choice to stay in the marriage. Some people do stay in marriages where they have been cheated on, and no, they are not necessarily weak people with no backbone and/or victims and/or financially dependent on their partner and they don't necessarily need saving. A marriage is an agreement between two (2) people and they are free to agree on whatever the fuck they want. You don't know everything that's going on between them.

The sooner you accept the above facts the easier human relationships will be for you, and as a minor but useful side-effect, navigating certain fandom spaces may become less tedious for you and me both. it's a win-win situation.

[daily-dose-of-imagines]

Flinch

@jade-flower-stories asked: Sorry I it Connelly slipped my mind but the abused reader one. Where they accidently raised their voice/hit her. And thbak you so much this means a lot to me. ♡

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Hello and thank you for requesting with us! I am so sorry this took solong to get out, I do hope you enjoy these hcs! If you want to read the other abused hcs for Nishi and Kuroo, Click here!

Tags and warnings: Mild ptsd, outburts, mentions of past abuse

>Admin T

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Tsukishima --

He was exceptionally irritated that day and wanted nothing to do with anybody, even you.

Unfortunately, you didn't notice his attitude, you were too excited to see him first thing.

His headphones were on, so he didn't notice you calling out to him, no matter how often you did.

That's when you decided to play a little prank and take his headphones off, and keep them from him.

Only, it didn't end so well.

Right as you grab the headphones, ripping them off his head, Tsukishima - with gritted teeth - took them back and growled, "god why are you so fucking annoying all the time?"

You were instnatly pulled back into your childhood of your mother saying those exact words to you, everyday of you young life.

Instantly, tears started to flow, and Tsukishima was surprised at you, and himself.

"No, I'm- it-"

He didn't know how to properly apologize, never been in this situation before.

So, if words couldn't come out, he decided actions will do.

He hugged tightly, and stroked the top of your head. Once you had settled down, he muttered into your hair, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry."

He didn't excuse himself, but he did apologize profusely, and for that, you were gratefu.

Oikawa --

He was talking to other girls again. and you knew he was just a natural flirt, and that the conversations never evolve into anything, since he was dating you.

But you couldn't help but be jealous, the tainted feeling clawing up your throat, making you want to scream. He was too close to her, she was touching him too much.

You couldn't handle it anymore, and walked up to the both of them, stealing him away from the stranger.

"What the hell you are you doing?!" he yelled, slapping your hand away from his. You experience you anger, and he scoffs.

"You always do this, you always flirt with other--"

"Would you stop being a jealous bitch for two seconds!" he yelled, but instantly regretting it.

You were shaking from head to toe, tears building up in your eyes as you stared him down, memories of your past flashing your mind.

Memories Oikawa knew of, which made it all the more horrible.

Oikawa sighed, raking his hand through his hair, knowing he fucked up bad.

"I am sorry," he muttered. "You're right, I should reel it in some. And I shouldn't have said that to you. I'm sorry."

You sat down next to him, taking his hand in yours, sniffling. "Jackass."

"I deserve that."

Kenma--

He wasn't giving you any attention, at all, since a new game came out.

You gave him three days. Three freaking days too binge this new game of his, and yet, there he was. In his room, in the dark, still playing it.

You turned on the lights, and confronted him. "Kenma, come on, you've been cooped up in here for almost a week. Let's go out."

He didn't budge, making you more angry, so you stood in front of him.

"Get out of the way!"

"No, not until you put that away and talk to me!"

Kenma tried to look around you, but ultimately he couldn't see, and so his character died. Kenma slumped in his bed from the shock before getting inexplicably angry at you.

"Look at what you did!" he exclaimed, face red.

"It' just a game--"

"A game I have been working for hours! And you made me lose!" Kenma raised his hand, intent on hitting you, though his mind wasn't keeping up with his actions.

That is, until he saw you flinch harshly, keeping your face covered by your arms. Kenma stopped himself, shocked at how easily it was for you to get into that defensive position, and slowly lowered his hand as he set down the controller.

He walked past you, and turned off his console.

Taking you by the hand he muttered, "Let's go get some ice cream or something."

You nodded, threading your fingers with his, accepting his roundabout apology.

[thatfreshi]

Always (Uni AU P. 16)

Thank you all for patiently waiting :)

tw - mentions of abuse, grooming

Your eyes flutter open slowly, unsure of exactly where you are. When you move your head, you feel the bone in Astarion's shoulder, and remember the night prior. When you realize you indeed were asleep on him, you jerk back up.

"What time is it?"

"Almost six. You must've been tired."

He puts his phone down and sits his head on his knees.

"You alright?"

"Just not looking forward to today. Twelve-hour day, nine to nine, no breaks."

"Sounds horrible."

"It does, doesn't it? And I haven't slept in days either."

He gets out of bed reluctantly and goes to the closet, almost tripping over nothing.

"You could probably spare some time to lay down a little longer."

"No, sadly I can't. The location is an hour away, I still have to get ready, and I have to pick up some things on the way. All of that and maybe find time to eat something."

He methodically looks through the many fabrics, finding a silk dress shirt. Thoughtlessly, Astarion throws off the sweater from yesterday, revealing what appears to be many scars across his back.

"Holy shit."

You don't mean for the words to stumble out the way they do, but it's not often you see someone's skin decorated in old wounds.

"Right, forgot I hadn't told you about all of those. Though to be honest, I've never seen them."

He quickly puts on his newly chosen shirt, fiddling with the buttons on the sleeves.

"Are they-"

"From Cazador? Of course."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did he do it?"

He stops in his tracks, dumbfounded once again by you and your questions.

"I mean, there's always plenty of reasons to him. Misstep on the catwalk, look the wrong way in a photo, make him look bad in front of someone else in the industry. He does his punishments in private obviously, but you always know when you're due for one. Always."

Light steps make their way to the kitchen to get some coffee. You follow, silently.

"Sorry. I know I have more of a stomach for this kind of thing than you do."

"You shouldn't have the stomach for it at all."

"You think I don't know that?"

He turns to meet your eyes, and then sighs, leaning against the counter.

"Really, I am sorry. I'm just very irritable right now."

"Anything I can do?'

"No, I think I just need to be by myself, for the little time I have. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing."

He perks up at that.

"Why?"

"I mean, none of this is your fault. No need to apologize about things out of your control. Besides, I ask about all of it anyways. If you need alone time, you need alone time."

He's so used to 'sorry's, even if they aren't always genuine. Sorry when he's at Cazador's whim, sorry to people he's looped into horrific schemes, sorry any time he fucks up. Most recently, he's so incredibly apologetic to you, the way he's fallen for you, the way he can't bring himself to leave you alone, the way you always ask about the worst of it and he almost always shares. That look in your eyes when you see him hurt, he's been trying to avoid it, because it makes him feel monstrous.

"Anyways, I hope it's not all that bad today. If you need something, let me know, okay?"

You grab all your things from the night before, and make your way towards the door.

"Okay. Thank you Tav."

You smile.

"Of course Aster, anything for you, any time, anywhere. Always."

He almost says something when you walk out the door, but simply has his mouth agape, watching you walk away after saying probably the nicest thing he's heard in years.

When you make your way back to your dorm room, you hear shouting from inside, which you can only assume is Shadow and Lae arguing again. Then, when you walk in, you realize it's actually Gale's voice going back and forth with your moody roommate. Lae'zel seems to be absent from the dorm.

"Gale, you can't be fucking serious. You're sleeping with a professor? Not just any professor, but Mystra? Really? Are you that fucking stupid?"

"We are not just sleeping together, it's a real relationship. We have something special Shadowheart, not that you would particularly understand that."

"No, no you don't have something special with her, she's using you. You work for her, she's your teacher! She can decide your entire academic future on a whim!"

"No one better to fall in love with then, right?"

"Oh, fall in love? You, you are not in love with her, and she is certainly not in love with you. She's using you and your naivety Gale."

You hear her voice crack at this point, the concern for her best friend seeping through.

"Oh, so I'm naive now? Great to know you think so highly of me Shadow. You were begging me to tell you, I thought you'd be happy for me!"

"I'm not listening to this. When you want to have a real conversation, and not just make me feel like I'm crazy for worrying about you, come and find me."

Her door slams, and she storms past you in the living space, rushing out of the dorm. Gale slowly makes his way out of her room, not expecting you to be waiting.

"And now you know too, wonderful. Are you also going to call me insane for being in love, or are you capable of being reasonable?"

No words come to mind. Instead of sitting around waiting for a response, he walks right past you, off to brood in his room alone. You decide to try and find your roommate, just to make sure she's alright, and possibly get the rest of the story. Despite your efforts, you find none of your strange friends. It's as if campus has been entirely deserted. With the new chill in the air as Fall becomes even more intense, you find yourself feeling lonely, and even sad. So, you do what any other reasonable college student would, and you go grab a coffee and throw yourself into some assignments.

Essays, discussion boards, projects, powerpoints, they all sort of just blur together. Word counts become meaningless, rubrics are like unspeakable languages, emails are a life-sucking endless void of nothing. You close your laptop and stare at the ceiling, wondering why you're even sad to begin with, why all of this seems like treacherous work. Your mind floats back to Astarion, as it often does. Perhaps he was the cause of your melancholy, him and all the scars you had seen that morning. But now it's hours later, close to nightfall, and you barely have anything to show for it.

That's when Karlach and Gale show up, which helps you snap out of the mood a little bit.

"She'll come around Gale! I may not get it, but hey, we all just gotta do our own thing."

The two of them sit at your lonely little table, and Gale sighs.

"Well Tav, how's the rest of the day been?"

"Uneventful. Sad. Boring."

Gale nods in agreement.

"Oh cheer up you two! There's still time left in the night, things can get better!"

You can't help but crack a smile.

"You know what Karlach? You're right, and just for that, I'm going to get us all a little treat."

The two of them insist that you shouldn't, but you're already walking off to the coffee bar that's going to close soon. You buy a couple of stupid little candies, just to make sure everyone will have something they enjoy. You thank the barista and walk back to the table. On the way, you feel at your pocket for your phone, but it's not there.

"Must've left it at the table."

And you were right, because when you look back up Karlach is receiving a call on your phone. You walk over to try and figure out who she possibly could've answered, mouthing a question to her. She tells you to shush, her eyes far more serious than normal.

"What do you mean he's in the hospital?"

Her voice cracks when she asks, and without thinking you snatch your phone out of her hands.

[anantplayingdnd]

Oh Hellos' songs and what Curse of Strahd Characters I associate with them!

Oh boy they are my favorite band of all time and boy do I have things to say.

Also this does contain spoilers, so if you're a player, maybe get your DM's permission before reading through this.

Ireena: "Trees" "Notos" "Dear Wormwood" "Exeunt" "Boreas" "Lay Me Down" "On the Mountain Tall"

Oh boy, it's quite a few, if I'm being honest. "Trees" is about her relationship with Izmark, obviously. "Notos" is largely vibes based, but it's a lot of freedom and being willing to fight against the circumstances you find yourself in, which is a major theme for her. "Dear Wormwood" like... come on. Do I even need to say anything about this? Strahd has been controlling so much of her life, and now she's realized who he is and how bad he is. The whole song is about rebellion against an abuser and making your own way, without their influence. Similarly, "Exeunt" is about... leaving. Running away. Saying you've had enough of the treatment you've endured and getting the hell out of there. "Lay me Down" picks up right where that leaves off, bold and determined to get away, if not in life than in death. It's her hope of one day not being trapped in the soul snowglobe of Barovia. "Boreas" and "On the Mountain Tall" are both a little more abstract, but I think Boreas relates to the periods of depression she's been through as a result of.. you know. Strahd. And as for "On the Mountain Tall" like.. tell me you can hear the line, "I know you want me to be afraid, I know you want me to love you," without thinking of her and Strahd.

Izmark: "Trees" and "Soap"

"Trees" is there for symmetry with Ireena, being a song about their childhood and how, for a little while, they were happy. "Soap" is one I just like, can't explain properly. Frankly it came to me in a vision, and sometimes I know a song fits a character long before I figure out why. I think what initially drew me to associating it with Izmark is the lyrics about having a softer side, but needing to become tougher to survive in the world, and trying to figure out how to make who you want to be compatible with who the world says you have to be.

Rahadin: "Pale White Horse"

I feel like there's little to say that isn't obvious. The Pale White Horse is the coming of death, something twisted and horrible that makes even the bravest cower in fear, and if that isn't Rahadin, I don't know what is.

Doru: "The Valley"

Doru hates being trapped in Barovia (I mean, they all do, but Doru really hates it). And because of how much he hated everything about the place he was raised, it made him very eager to follow someone who said they would lead him into something better. Unfortunately, that individual bit off a little more than they could chew in this brilliant attack on Castle Ravenloft, and that's how Doru ended up undead.

Strahd: "Like the Dawn"

One of my favorite things to do with Strahd is take things that are super cute and wholesome, like Adam seeing Eve for the first time and realizing how wonderful it is to have someone who understands him, and making it about how horrible and fucked up Strahd is. This song is normally really romantic, but I dare you, just go imagine Strahd singing this about Tatyana and come back to tell me how icked out you are.

Sykane (OC): "Eat You Alive"

I'll talk more about her one day, but you know that weird Dark Power who can let you reanimate the dead if they've only been dead for a few days? Yeah, she's the Warlock/Necromancer's patron :)

Ezmerelda: "Thus Always To Tyrants"

A song about bringing life back to a dry valley by overthrowing the corrupt tyrants that have destroyed it? Yes, obviously it's the most badass Vampire Hunter out there. (I also think that some of it, especially toward the end, that's in reference to Van Richten).

Ludmilla: "Rose"

My Ludmilla has been hiding who she is from everyone, including Strahd. She was once good friends with the party Druid, but under a different name. Also, the lyrics about appeasing your leviathan groom? Love will get you slaughtered? Ugh. I love her.

Kasimir: "Rounds" and "The Lament of Eustace Scrubb"

"Rounds" is a song I personally use a lot to help myself get out of depressive slumps, due to it's slow building and references to taking in deep breaths, learning how to speak again. In his playlist, this song comes just after everything Rahadin does to the Dusk Elves, and is him slowly trying to pick his life back up after unbelievable pain. "The Lament of Eustace Scrubb" is honestly a bit of wishful thinking on my part, since our Kasimir hasn't quite realized that he has the ability to change and grow from the many, many mistakes he's made. But one day, maybe he'll realize that he can be set free.

BONUS ROUND WITH NO EXPLANATIONS

Escher: "Danse Macabre"

Abbot: "Smoke Rising Like Lifted Hands"

Lady Wachter: "Hieroglyphs"

Volenta: "Torches"

Sergei: "Grow"

[creature-wizard]

You're so right about needing a healthy framework to engage in things like fictionkin or honestly any other kind of community based on past lives.

Like, as a pop-culture pagan who is also a survivor of a cult that focused heavily on past lives, Final Fantasy House should be required reading. Even just the Vice article, but one of the survivors has a website dedicated to documenting what he went through that's well worth looking through.

Remember kids: cults don't start with the weird stuff, it slowly ramps up over time so that you sound insane when you ask for help, if it gets weird at all. Cults aren't defined by weird beliefs and chanting in black robes, they're defined by abusive group dynamics and high levels of control over members, don't expect them to look like a horror movie says they should. Smart people get caught up in cults too, because the warning signs aren't usually obvious up front and they prey on vulnerability, not lack of intelligence.

Oh boy, I remember reading about it on the website, and it really was fucked up. Like, the leader believed that she was all of these fictional characters from pop culture, and kept trying to convince other people that they were reincarnations of other characters while abusing them horribly.

For anybody else reading this post, the site's worth reading if you want to see an example of what an otherkin/fictionkin/past life can look like. Just like, be forewarned that there's a lot of casual bigotry (ableism in particular - the r-slur appears a few times) in there. And of course, there's a lot of generally triggering subject matter (like sexual abuse) because, well, horrible cult was horrible. If you don't want to read it - I'll just sum it up thus: if you ever meet somebody who tries to pass themselves off as a spiritual expert while abusing and exploiting everybody around them, tries to shoehorn people into alleged past lives, and thinks multiverse theory means a bunch of corporate IPs depict real events in another universe, run.

On the topic of frameworks, I personally just don't go for the past life thing at all. I just reckon it as something that my brain has done for Mysterious Brain Reasons. Which might sound boring for some people, but for me makes it into another fascinating example of how varied the human(?) experience can be, which makes it quite wondrous and magical in itself.

[lenaellsi]

Aziraphale choosing to return to Heaven isn't a mistake because it's naive to want to make a difference in the world, or because it's wrong to choose kindness and hope and see the best in things. Under different circumstances and with different motivations, going to Heaven to try to change things (improve working conditions for the lower angels, lie to the Powers That Be to subvert the Great Plan, kill the fucking Metatron) is a choice I could understand, even if I don't think he'll have nearly the level of control he's imagining. (This is a trap. This is a trap. This is a trap, and Aziraphale does not understand the extent to which it is.)

But anyway. The main problem isn't "I can make a difference." The problem is "you're the bad guys." It's that Aziraphale still sees Heaven as THE source of Good (and light, and truth, etc.) in the world. He thinks the cruelty he's seen Heaven enact over the years comes from a few mean archangels and not from the fact that Heaven itself exists to perpetuate one side of a conflict that is destined to end in the destruction of the Earth and a war that, as they have explicitly stated, will wipe out demons for eternity. The purpose of Heaven is not to help people. “Good” as it exists has nothing to do with alleviating suffering. It’s just the Plan. It’s just God.

Consider a scenario where Aziraphale got the same offer but from the other side. Hell comes up and says, hey, Crowley! Congrats, you're the new Grand Duke of Hell! You can even bring your angel along. He'll have to become a demon, of course, but that's fine, right? And Crowley's like, wow, Aziraphale, do I have some GREAT news for you! (I know, Crowley would never. Just stay with me.)

Obviously Aziraphale would have said no. And rightly so! Hell has done nothing but hurt Crowley and threaten both of them for millennia. And Crowley asking him to fall would be a horrible thing to hear from someone he loves--he'd be changing himself, losing a part of his identity, committing himself to an institutional force he doesn't believe in. Of course he would refuse. (Sound familiar?)

But imagine the good they could do if they were in charge of Hell! They could make sure no demon, Crowley included, was ever tortured again, and could improve things for the lower demons and for the damned alike. They could help people just as much in Hell as in Heaven, theoretically. But clearly the actual impact is not the deciding factor, because when Crowley says he refused Hell's offer to come back, Aziraphale brushes it off, because "of course you said no to Hell, you're the bad guys!"

When I say that Aziraphale has to learn better, that's what I mean. It's not a mistake for Aziraphale to still believe in goodness, and truth, and light. That's one of his most admirable traits. But it IS a mistake for him to think that those things come from Heaven. So no, Aziraphale isn't going to come out of this jaded, no longer believing in his ideals. He's going to come out of this confident in himself to help people without being told how by the powers that abused him his entire life. And he’s going to finally understand Crowley, and that he is kind not in spite of being a demon but because of the sum of his experiences, very much including the fall. No more good guys, no more bad guys. And then they’ll be able to move forward together.

[magicrainbowkitties]

I might be biased because I'm transmasc and it's somewhat The Goal for me to "look like a man," but it's high time we put a stop to "you look like a man" as an insult towards women. Not just trans women, but cis women too. Most often I hear/see it used by women against other women, usually some gender crit weirdos with an unhealthy obsession with other people's genitalia, and I find it imperative that we wrest any and all power away from such creepy, horrible people. And so, here's my dissection of the phrase.

First of all, masculine-presenting women exist. Some are so masc-presenting that they do in fact get gendered as men in everyday speech, to dismay or pleasure depending on the woman you're dealing with. But. What exactly does spitting "you look like a man" at her do? Congratulations, you have eyes and understand that this woman is gender-nonconforming. What now, asshole? All you've done is either state the obvious or said some bullshit she's heard a billion times before.

Second, some women are simply born with features we collectively decided are "masculine" traits. I know plenty of tall, muscular cis women. I've met cis women with facial hair, with big hands, with broad shoulders. How in the fuck do these features and more suddenly disqualify them from womanhood? And to tell such a woman she "looks like a man" is to join in a chorus of bullying she's been experiencing for a long fuckin time (and in many cases, since she was a child) over something she literally has no control over. But it wouldn't help if she just "decided" to be a man, would it, because now they don't know what they want and need to learn to "accept her womanhood," even though you never did when they said they were.

But this leans into my third point, which gets at the core of the problem:

Why is "looking like a man" a bad thing?

Outside of trans people and misgendering, I mean. Because that's just a weapon for getting at a specific aspect of that type of womanhood. However, when it's said to a trans woman, or a cis woman with traditionally masculine traits, it's usually "you ARE a man." Not "you LOOK LIKE a man."

And the only conclusion I can draw, from both my experience and others, is that this is just a long, drawn out way to call people ugly. Because often in these terfy circles, you will find some of the most vile, disgusting things said about men and their bodies. I mean... They get gross about trans women, sure, but remember... They think trans women ARE men. Monster creepy men with horrible delusions, sure, but still men. And then they discuss cis men as if they're all either sex pests, monsters, or weak-willed idiots with no place in the world.

Now I will not discount the fact that many gender crits/terfs are recruited after severe trauma of several stripes inflicted by men, and that men are encouraged in our society to treat women as objects and tools rather than thinking people with their own needs and feelings, thus causing a feedback loop of neglect and abuse that leaves everyone miserable. Not to mention, most people saying shit like "not all men" when you're talking about women's issues probably don't actually care, they just want you to stop talking.

All of this is true. HOWEVER. It comes to a point where you stop criticizing specific men for their behavior, or society at large for making men that do awful things, and you start mocking men for their appearances, disabilities, weight, body parts, ect. That's just not ok.

To anyone who's been told you "look like a man" to make you feel small and horrible:

You are not ugly. Features that society has decided are grossly masculine are not ugly. Being a feminine person with masculine features does not mean you have failed to perform femininity.

You are gorgeous.

And don't let someone that believes looking like a man is the worst thing one could possibly do tell you otherwise.

[theerurishipper]

I still remember when s5 bible leaked and in it, the ending stated : "Marinette will lied to Adrien about his father and she will use his amok to change his perspective toward his father." Or something along the line since I forgot the exact line.

And people were like "Lmao, there's no way she will do that. She knows Gabriel is a bad father."

Except now it's trully happened and people saying "She did it for him, out of love!" And "Even if she did give him command, "be yourself" isn't a bad command anyway" as if the idea of someone giving other a command isn't inherently wrong. Not a suggestion or motivation, it is a command! She has no business to control Adrien's life, even more so since she only know a surface level about his life.

Just because Adrien said "Only Marinette understand me" doesn't necessarily means she trully understand him, especially when she barely talk to him prior dating and her understanding of him is mostly from the magazine (and I bet a groupie group).

I don't think the bible mentions anything about Marinette using the Amok. I just read it through right now and it doesn't mention anything about the Amok, so it's up to personal interpretation. Personally, I don't believe Marinette used it, but the scene itself is rather ambiguous on that front. And the show is so broken in its view of the morality of using a mind control device on a fellow human that I wouldn't be surprised if it was revealed that she had done it.

But if people who believe that she did it are defending that decision, that's fucked up. There's no justification for controlling someone's mind like that without their consent. If she wanted to help him be himself, she could let him figure himself out on his own terms and support him, or she could, you know, ask him if he would like her to help him that way. At the very least, doing it with his full and willing consent is better than essentially violating his autonomy and free will.

Marinette does know that Gabriel is a bad father. She may not know the extent of it, perhaps, but she does know that he locked his son up for years and controlled his mind with a magic ring for years, and she still makes the choice to respect Gabriel's wish and lie to Adrien. There is no justification for this, I'm sorry. There just isn't. "Doing it out of love," is the most pitiful and frankly ridiculous excuse there is. Gabriel was also abusing Adrien "out of love." That doesn't make what he did any less horrible.

And you're right that Marinette doesn't understand or know Adrien that well. The show likes to tell us that she understands him like no other and that he feels free with her and all that BS, but it doesn't show us that. What it does show us is that Marinette does not have a clue that Adrien isn't perfection personified until Risk, after which she never put in the effort to get to know him as a person ever again. Instead, he chose to pursue her and literally felt obligated to change himself for her sake. Which is like, fucked up, cause his narrative is about learning that he doesn't have to change himself for other people and he's explicitly trying to be the perfect guy who asks nothing of Marinette for her, and the show pretends this is all fine and dandy.

This is a very unhealthy relationship, even more so now that Marinette is gaslighting Adrien into loving his abuser. This is super fucked up.

And for those who believe this will be dealt with in the future, the bible does have this to say:

So much for that lmao.

Thank you for your ask!

[mazyb0i]

Someone on Reddit tried to say that Rick only truly loves Beth, and to prove them wrong, so here I am!

tldr:

Character analysis of Rick Sanchez from an autistic fans point of view, understanding his attachment styles.

He'll do anything for BP, if season 6 proves anything, it's that he'll die for BP. He literally admitted to loving him, which I have not heard him tell or say about anyone before in the show. When

he does say stuff like that it is significant. Bird person is the only character on the show he has been openly genuine with.

If season 7 proves anything, Pers is the only one that can sneak up behind him and grab him out of nowhere without getting some snarky comment, mean look, or a left hook. They both care about each other deeply, that is clear. Rick was extremely

upset by the wedding with Tammy. Rick told the bird person how much he respected him more than anyone, even when he contradicted himself by saying nothing matters, he wanted to be with Percy. He wanted to travel with him and spent every moment with him.

--

"Then why did you help me?"

"I respect you, and I wanted you to know that you could respect me too."

" But if nothing matters...?"

"You matter! You matter to me."

"Uhhh- Rick... the relationship we have-"

"I never used that word!" - Rick (denialism)

--

It's funny how after this he calls him a judgmental dork, and not something much harsher.

--

"Why the fuck are you risking your life for that asshole!?" - Memory rick

"Because, you love him."

"You do maybe, but I don't."

"Yeah, yeah, you're real cool. Now, come help me save his life or fuck off, because I don't need you.

(Very much so loves BP.)

--

--

"I'm sorry Rick, but we cannot choose the ones we love" - Pers

"You got that right! Why do you think I'm still fucking down here!?"

--

Birdperson mentions that he would be dead if it wasn't for Rick, this also accounts for multiple times now since he brought BP back to life recently. Rick has stuck his neck out for the man so many times contradicting his "nothing matters" front, because that's what it is, it is a horrible coping mechanism to ignore your problems and pretend they don't exist because 'nothing matters'.

Its a problem that I have and I'm working through in therapy myself, it's called Denialism. Because 'if you shut yourself out from the world and your problems, then nothing can hurt you, and they don't exist'. You convince yourself you're in control when you're not, you have the least control, and it fucks you up. Rick isn't truly and fully nihilistic, or else literally nothing would matter to him. He makes sure to keep his Morty alive, he constantly brags on about how he can just get a new family, but he has the same Morty that he's had since the beginning and sticks his neck out for him as well.

--

"No, Morty. Because you were too afraid to tell me. What we had was abusive, don't you see? I'm a bad partner, because I never made you a true partner."

--

--

"I was afraid if I jumped in a hole you would just stand there and watch me, you wouldn't even jump in after me!" -Morty

But then Rick in season 1 literally jumped in after Morty when he fell through the garage floor into the Schrodinger's cat void.

"Be good, Morty, be better than me."

--

--

And when Rick starts crying at his memories of Morty in season One, but he refrains from expressing it so that Morty does not become, as he puts it, "cocky" (denialism)

I would also like to point out I feel like in the later seasons he starts calling Morty 'buddy' more?? he's a lot nicer to him than he used to be, and just recently allowed Morty to hug him without pushing him away, actually hugging back. He's also stated that he respects summer very deeply, which if he says that about someone, it really means that he does. He sees his Diane in Summer, and he also implies that summer is like a cat, her affection and respect needs to be earned; unlike Morty's dog like affection that is just given away. But we also hear Rick say that Morty reminds him a lot of himself when he was younger, this implies a lot of parallels.

Memory Rick brought out a lot of Rick that we didn't see previously, a person who wasn't fully tainted by the lack of treating mental Health issues, coping issues, unhealthy attachments, and all the other things that led up to Rick being the way he is. he said his heart broken so many times, he's been backstabbed, he is very hurt person. This doesn't excuse all of his actions but is a very good explanation and reason for why he is the way he is and the way the human psyche copes with it's environment to protect itself. it's like walking up to a caged animal with a taser, these are his defense mechanisms, it makes him look like a dick on the outside but currently it is the only thing that he knows how to do on instinct for protection, and that's why he's in therapy. This is why I believe he's genuinely trying to get better, he can get along with his therapist more than ever, even if he has sly remarks he genuinely listens to Mrs. Wong.

--

"I don't like being told where to go or what to do. I consider it a violation."

--

"There's a lesson here, and I won't be the one to figure it out"

--

"I don't discuss problems, I incinerate them"

--

"It was charmingly analog. For a sec, you kind of made me like myself." - Mem Rick

"You'll grow out of it." - Rick

He resents his younger self for helping him and makes sure to mention that he "grew out" of his ability to like himself, Rick has some extreme self-hatred. it's hard to fully love someone or Express a healthy relationship when you can't even have a healthy relationship with yourself.

--

"You act like you're the one that got stabbed in the back!" -Morty

"Because I AM THE ONE, Morty. You wanna know why I replaced myself in the beginning of that stupid knights of the morning sun thing!? I SAID don't take the fucking sword! And you were like "Whatever", like I'm our neighbor Jean or David Arquette or something!! You called me boring! I've become dog shit to you! That's what happens when you let people in and they stop respecting you! They touch your shit, they screw things up, they KILL your fuckin family! Go ahead and trust them, you're gonna learn the same fuckin thing." -Rick

--

[corn-fanfiction]

SAVIOUR COMPLEX (Mark Hoffman x F!Reader) (Pt. 12)

(Pt. 11) (Pt. 13)

Rated: M

Tags/TWs: aftercare/ language/ past abuse/Mark Hoffman being a c*p/reader's life is complicated/ Mark is protective bc it's his job but he's also problematic/because he's a c*p/ Detective Gibson/slight description of bloody boo boos

“You know what I was thinking?”

You and Mark lay in your bed. He's caressing your head and you have a hand resting on his broad chest. Your bodies are slack from sex and you're still coming down from the high.

“What's that?”

“Something Gibson said,” you feel Mark stiffen. “No, not that. But…I think he had a point. A shitty one, but maybe true? He said that I was wasting my life. My talent.”

“Prick doesn't know what he's talking about.”

“I don't know. Maybe not. But still, it got me thinking…what if I could be doing more?”

“What if?”

“You gonna talk in more than one sentence at a time?”

“Fine. Do you remember what you said when we first met?”

“Um…I'm pretty sure I said a lot. Which part?”

“You said that you keep your life small on purpose. That it was control.”

“I said that?”

“You know you did.”

“Hm.” You kiss his bicep. “What about it?”

“Well, what if your desire for control is what's holding you back? That you're scared of letting it go?”

“You're a psych now?”

“Alright, fine.”

He goes to move from the bed but you pull him back playfully. He falls, you hold him to you and run your fingers through his hair.

“I don't know…you know, I have a BFA.”

He smiles up at you. “No shit.”

“Yep. English. Wanted to go into publishing.”

“So why didn't you?”

You shrug. “Ted. Needed me to work so I put everything else on hold.”

“What about now?”

“I don't know. How do I move away from the control without being afraid to fail?”

“Well, you just have to trust that someone will catch you.”

You laugh a little. “No one can guarantee that. We're all alone at one point or another.”

“Not you. Not again.”

“Yes, even me. Things happen, Mark.”

Sensing your shift in mood, Mark sits up and brings you with him.

“Hey, look at me. You're never gonna be alone again, you hear me? Never. I won't let it happen.”

You stare deep into his eyes and can barely see color for the way his pupils are blown. His breathing is heavy. He means it.

You almost feel bad for getting him worked up so you pull him in for a kiss. A hand comes to rest on the side of your neck and you sigh, leaning into his touch.

“I guess I never really thought about what else my life could be. Never thought I'd have time.”

“You do. As long as you're with me, I guarantee it.”

Maybe something about that phrasing should strike you as odd but when he takes you into another kiss you hardly care, just allow yourself to fall into him.

If he wasn't so caught up in you, Mark would be horribly bored.

Nothing at his day job, and his night job is suspended indefinitely until he can shake the precinct from you.

It's a standard day of Mark clocking in, going to his office, paperwork, patrol, stopping by some crime scenes.

It's a standard day, until he gets a phonecall.

“Hoffman.”

“Mark!”

Mark creases his brow in curious thought. “Gibson?”

“Hey, we’re down at the abandoned museum on the Bailey Waterfront. We need you down here now.”

The corner of Mark’s mouth quirks up. “Hang on, let me get my recorder. Say that again.”

“Dammit, Mark. I’m being serious. It’s an active Jigsaw trap. I’m not stupid enough to think you won’t be helpful here.”

Fuck! Mark curses to himself. Who the fuck is this guy?

“Alright, I’m on my way.”

You get the call in the middle of work and you have Gerri speed you from the restaurant to the hospital. They don't mind to do it, of course, especially considering the fact that you can't stop shaking. It's bad enough that Mark's a cop; it's even worse that he's attached to the Jigsaw case, even if unofficially at this point.

You have to press your forehead to the cool glass of the window simply to focus on that sensation, rather than the nausea emanating through your bones. You've never been a patient person. Today it's worse.

The receptionist directs you and Gerri back to the ICU where you're turned around by five different attendings until you finally find the area occupied by Mark and Gibson. Mark's jacket and button up are off and he's in the process of getting stitches in his leg.

“Jesus,” you gasp, actually getting a good look at the drying blood and the new blood that oozes from the wound. He has other garden variety scrapes and bruises, but the worst of it seems to be the leg.

But he smiles when he sees you.

“Hey, baby.”

You sigh in partial relief and hug him the way you can from his spot sitting on the bed. He presses his head to your chest and you circle his scalp with your fingernails.

“What happened?” You ask as the panic begins to settle some more. He's calm, so you're growing calmer.

Mark hesitates and you clock it. You look over at Gibson.

“What the hell happened?” You repeat, this time with an obvious accusatory tone laced into your words now that they're directed at Gibson.

“It was another trap, I called Mark in.”

Fury shoots up your spine. “So you kick him off the case just to bring him back in and get him sent to the fucking hospital???”

You make a move towards Gibson but Mark lands a gentle hand on your bicep.

“Hey, he saved me.”

You look between them, your anger paused.

“What?”

“Got caught in the crossfire of a trap. Some buckshot. Gibson pushed me out of the way before I got fifty holes in me-”

You can't listen to it anymore without visualizing it perfectly and you hold him again. Maybe he senses the severity of your concern because he holds you back with his free hand.

“Hey, hey I'm alright.”

But all you can see are those photos of Ted that Gibson showed you with his body bloated and his limbs removed. Mark getting even a whiff of a bullet has tears pooling at your eyes. Any other day you'd kick yourself for being so weak, so vulnerable in front of strangers and, worse, Gibson.

“I'm sorry,” you whisper into Mark's hair. “I can't. I can't lose-”

“Hey, baby, sit down.”

You hear the scrape of a chair behind you and you sit.

“Thanks, Gerr,” Mark says. You reach behind you to hold their hand.

“You don't have to stay.”

“You sure? I don't mind.”

“I know and I appreciate that. I'll be fine.”

“Alright.” Gerri gives your hand a final squeeze and smiles at Mark before leaving. Over Mark's shoulder, you can't help but notice Gibson watching the interaction. You also finally notice that he's alone. And even though you hate him, he still saved Mark, and you feel a stab of pity in your heart.

“Gibson? You okay to get home?”

His eyes widen in surprise, not only that you'd talk to him, but that your words are suddenly considerate.

“Of course. They didn't take my legs,” he responds with sarcasm. You roll your eyes.

“You're right, I'll never ask about your well-being again.”

“Oh, so nothing will change.”

You decide that you're done with the interaction so you lean your cheek against Mark's shoulder and wrap your hands around his large one, content to stay as close to him as possible.

You take Mark home. You've never been to his apartment but the doctors said that he shouldn't drive on his hurt leg. You can't help but sneak glances over at him. He's sweating, still coming down from the pain. His face reflects yours only hours ago. His eyes are closed, his forehead resting against the cool glass. You're reminded of the instincts that overtook you during your movie night. But what you want now, to rest your hand on his neck then up through his hair. To kiss his eyelids as he falls asleep. He feels safe around you. Your heart swells at the thought.

His house is really nice, all rich and dark wood. You carry him into the living room and sit him on a leather sofa. He lifts his arm and flicks on a Tiffany lamp.

You press the back of your hand to his forehead.

“When did they give you a fever reducer?”

“It's been a minute,” he grunts, turns his head.

“Okay. Bathroom?”

He gestures to the back hallway by the staircase. You quickly tuck a lock of hair behind his ear before disappearing to the bathroom, grabbing a washcloth and giving it some cold water. You bring it back and lay it across Mark's forehead. He sighs into the sensation, and you're not proud of the way the sound makes you feel.

You like making him feel good. You like taking care of him.

Mark sits up to retrieve some preplaced glass of water from the coffee table and takes a long gulp. You watch as some of the water escapes the corners of his mouth and drips down the muscles of his neck. You swallow.

When he finishes, he gasps. He opens his eyes and finds yours.

“You can't look at me like that right now,” he mutters, lids heavy with sleepiness from the drugs.

“I'm sorry,” you whisper with a small smile, stroking his hair.

“It's not fair,” he's getting sleepier.

“I know, I'm sorry. I'm mean.”

He turns into your arm and kisses the soft skin there. He hums.

“I love you.”

And you're too stunned to acknowledge those words before he's snoring softly in your arms.

You wake up to banging.

You jump, jostling Mark who's still in your embrace. He's not quite awake but the sudden noise has you on high alert. You grip Mark's arm just in case you need to shake him awake. You're almost certain it was a banging on the front door.

Silence. You're frozen, heart pounding in your ears.

The banging comes again and you jump.

“Mark! Mark, open the door.”

Now that's interesting, you think, slightly less afraid at Gibson's voice coming through the door but still on edge, because it's- you check the clock- 3 am.

You decide to wake Mark. He grumbles.

“Mark. Mark, I think Gibson's at the door.”

More banging. Mark is managing to open his eyes. At the very least you need the noise to stop, so you help Mark to a sitting position and go to the door yourself. When you open it, you see Gibson on the other side…with about five other cops behind him. Your stomach drops. He looks about as surprised to see you as you do him and his entourage. But he also looks exhausted, like he hasn't stopped moving since he left the hospital hours ago.

“Where is he?”

Your grip on the lip of the door tightens.

“What's going on?”

“Move.”

“No.”

You can't stop yourself from saying it. You can't believe it, but you also know immediately what this is. It's impossible, and you're not going to let it happen.

“Obstruction of justice. You want to get charged, too?”

Gibson looks over your shoulder and you follow his eyes. Mark stands in the hall, or limps, rather. You want to go to him, of course you do, but you can't move.

“I'm not gonna tell you again,” comes Gibson's voice. You look between the two men, count the police outside one more time just to be certain.

“You can't,” you whisper to Gibson, your voice wavering.

“I ain't got a choice.”

Gibson pushes in past you and your back hits the wall. Mark limps towards you but doesn't make it far before two officers have a hold of him, cuffing his wrists behind his back. He fights, what little he can, and one cracks him under the knee. He cries out in pain.

“Stop it!” You shout and run forward, but not before someone can catch you around the waist. “He's fucking hurt!! He was hurt doing his job! This isn't fair!”

“Mark Hoffman, you're under arrest under suspicion of conspiracy to murder and active murder, specifically for the killing of Theodore Simpson-” your heart cracks at Ted's name. “And many others. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you on a court of law-”

Gibson carries on but you push your way to Mark, managing to touch his face one more time.

“I'm gonna get you out of this, okay? I don't know how but I will-”

Someone has you again and Mark…Mark is silent. Doesn't return any affection or offer any of his own. His eyes stare you down though, like he's trying to communicate something. But before you have even a chance of deciphering what that could be, they're walking him out the door.

You do attempt to follow but Gibson has a firm grip on your arm. On instinct, you swing your free hand around to hit him but he catches that one too, and twists you to where both hands are caught and you wince in pain.

“Don't try to fight me.”

“Fucking let go!”

“I get that this is hard. Don't make it worse for yourself.”

You struggle a bit more and he finally lets you go, but by the time he does, the cruiser with Mark inside is already on the main road. You curse, cry, punch the door and grab your hair.

“Fuck you. This isn't fair.”

“There is hard evidence. I know you don't wanna believe it-”

“You were just at the site with him-!”

“I don't know what happened, but it happened, okay?”

He's got you cornered, but almost in a way that is an attempt at calming you. Like you're a wild animal.

“No. I don't believe you. Or I don't believe that it's real. Someone's setting him up.”

Gibson rolls his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“It doesn't make sense! If it was Mark, why would he have stuck around for this long. Are you saying he put himself in that trap a year ago? Does that part make sense?”

“So I don't have it all figured out! But there is reason enough to put him behind bars, at least until we get this thing straight.”

You're all turned around. There are a couple more officers watching your interaction while they should probably be locking the place down-

Oh. Mark's apartment is probably a crime scene now.

“I, uh-”

“Come on. Let's get you home.”

Gibson goes for the door but notices you not following him.

“Don't make this difficult, for the love of god.”

“There's no fucking way I'm getting in a car with you.”

Gibson sighs in exasperation.

“Look. What happened the other day was completely unprofessional and I'm sorry. Shouldn't have happened. But please. Can this night just be over?”

You don't budge.

“Motherfuck- Zimmerman!” Gibson calls over his shoulder. One of the cops comes running. “I'm telling you, in front of her, that I am going to take her home now. If something happens to her, or if for whatever reason she doesn't make it home, you know she was with me. This is me alleviating her fears. Got it?”

The poor cop looks between the two of you before nodding in a slight and confused panic.

“Good. Get back to work.”

Gibson turns back to you as Zimmerman sprints back to his job.

“Alright. Shall we?”

You can't be alone. You hate it. The one person you rely on to keep you comforted in this strange brand of insanity is now locked into it.

You try to get something, anything out of Gibson in the car but he's tight-lipped. Once he drops you off, you lock your front door and sit behind it. Then you make it to your couch, then to the bathtub, filling it with scalding water.

I don’t know. This is the second time you’ve been involved. First time, you’re a witness and get his operation shut down. Second time it’s your ex in a trap. Not to mention…

I’m just saying, who else has been there the first time, and a second time?

If anyone of us would be Jigsaw, it would be Hoffman.

Irony of ironies, you never did like puzzles, and you certainly don't love being the supposed center of one. But this one is looking a little too clear. Like the picture on the box is insultingly simple and yet you insist there are pieces missing. It's a 100 piece puzzle. Just figure out the edges and work your way in.

Yes, coincidences can be bizarre and yes, they can fuck up a life. But when do you stop and take stock, and say “something about this isn't right?”

Is it when the man you love may or may not be a serial killer?

Yes, this is where most people would stop.

You grit your teeth as the water burns you.

Do you maintain some semblance of control by cutting your losses? Because at this point there is a very good chance Mark could go to jail. And with the surmounting evidence, most people would think he deserves it.

And yet you haven't seen any evidence, only heard theories that make sense when you, or they want them to make sense.

If only you could talk to Mark…

But you know they won't let you anywhere near them.

So you need someone else. Someone close to it like he is. Like you are. Someone who's been there.

You drain the tub. You wrap yourself in a robe and sit at your computer.

You've got work to do.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Question about something (no tw) you can call me cookie.

I’m only asking because I was told by a couple people that I’m childish, embarrassing, manipulative and stupid so I wanted to get your opinions on that?

Im an adult (23) so of course I have to be emotionally mature and responsible… Is it okay to cry as an adult in general? Over things like movies, depression, and just stress? Is it okay to feel triggered or hurt over something cruel someone said to me and end up crying and freaking out over it? There are times where I’ve cried, as an adult, over horrible things other adults have said to me, and not just cry but some of those times I seem to get triggered into what could be an anxiety attack? Only over certain things. But those are harder to control but I try my best if I’m still in touch with reality to distract myself from it or try to stop it. Some anxiety attacks I’ve lost control of my limbs and vision so that’s safe to say it’s out of my control at that point.

I can be a bit irresponsible at times I won’t deny it but I don’t mean to be on purpose if that matters, I have been getting better the past 6 months versus what I used to be like. Is it okay for others to yell at me about it and get really… aggressive about it too? I can say they seem to just hate me with the things they say to me bc they’re pointing fingers, gritting teeth, and saying, “wtf is wrong w you? You’re so disgusting act like a fucking adult, you’re such an embarrassment!” I have to point out it DOESN’T effect ANYONES life but my own… (my parents are my abusers so it’s just a tough relationship with them anyway) so I don’t get why it makes them so angry at me when it doesn’t effect them. I wouldn’t ever choose to roommate or whatever with anyone unless I knew I could be responsible on my own FIRST. Bc I certainly don’t want to burden ppl.

Hi anon,

The last response to anxiety attacks or mental breakdowns should be anger. There is no good reason for anyone to be angry with you for expressing your emotions, even if you're completely dysregulated. The more dysregulated you are, the more important it is to be approached with sensitivity and kindness. Being emotional doesn't make you manipulative, childish, or stupid, it makes you human, and being met with aggression isn't going to help you calm down. I would highly recommend reconsidering the relationships with the people that you're describing.

It's okay to cry at any age. Sadness is a healthy emotion and it's completely normal to cry from things like movies and stressful events. This does not make you a burden whatsoever. Sometimes you simply cannot regulate yourself and that's okay, that happens. But it's important for you to find a way to more efficiently manage your emotions in a self-compassionate way. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could explore this with you and help you come up with some helpful ways for you to self-regulate.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun