#Nerve Aid Nerve Aid Review

[heartkyeom]

be sweet

prince!hoshi x princess!reader (svthub garden collab)

word count: 18.7k

warnings: arranged marriage, enemies to lovers, modern royalty au, family issues, descriptions of food, unprotected sex

tag list (only svthub members since I’m revamping my tag list): @bitchlessdino @wondernus @idyllic-ghost @strawberryya @junkissed

notes: oh my god I finally have another fic out!! this one was truly a labor of love, thank you to all the svthub members that beta read any part of this story. this fic is for the @svthub garden collab and I am extremely grateful for the network’s help with this story <3 I’m very happy that this aligned with hoshi’s birthday! and a big big thank you to my beloved @wondernus for making this amazing header for me!!! as always, I hope y’all enjoy this and please leave feedback through reblogs !!!! and the title is based off the amazing song be sweet by japanese breakfast, listen along to it if you’d like!

The day’s events shouldn’t have felt so taxing, yet they were. There were only a few meetings you had to sit in on, both not requiring full participation. That sounded easy enough for you to handle, you were used to the rigor of royal meetings for years now.

It was easy enough to brush off any requests with a short comment of approval or neutrality, never expressing a thought of negativity unless the guest was close to your family.

You didn’t pull the princess card very often, especially since your meetings mainly consisted of fellow royals who knew the pressure of the job, but today felt different.

Maybe it was the dull pressure that resided in your head, making it hard to focus on the topics at hand. You curse yourself for not taking some kind of headache relief earlier, but now it has lodged itself in the middle of your brain.

You almost work up the nerve to speak up, but your aide beats you to it.

“Princess,” you feel a hand on your shoulder, “there's an urgent matter. We should leave immediately.” Her hushed tone makes your heart clench.

You could only hope no one in your family was hurt. You silently nod and clear your throat, bringing attention to yourself.

“I’m so sorry, but something urgent came up. I have to go, but please make sure to send me any notes and I’ll be sure to review them before we meet again,” You offer the room a small smile, enough to garner empathetic nods from the room.

You let out a shaky breath and stand from your seat, your aide trailing slightly behind your side as you both exit the room in silence.

“What’s going on?” You ask hesitantly.

“Someone has requested a private meeting with you, they asked to keep their identity a secret. Everyone in the family is okay, don’t worry,” The aide turns her head slightly to make sure she can see your response.

You can’t help but ask about your family first, it’s the only thought you have as the only child.

If someone’s passed on, you’re stepping up to handle the situation, and the emergency plans start to kick into high gear.

Luckily, that nightmare can remain at rest.

“Okay,” you nod slowly, trying to process who could want a private meeting with you.

Is an elder statesman concerned about his country? An estranged family member asking for a favor? It really could be anything or anyone.

You both keep a consistent pace through the cavernous halls of the royal estate, your footsteps echoing loudly with each step. You soon arrive at one of many conference rooms, and you’re surprised to see your aide face her back towards the door, she steps aside to let you walk in.

“I’ll be out here if you need anything, lest it escalates to that point,” She raises her eyebrows at you before looking away. That wasn’t a reassuring sign.

You brace yourself before going inside, but nothing seems to prepare you for who’s waiting.

“Hi, lovely.” Kwon Soonyoung smiles at you in a menacingly sweet kind of way, it makes your blood boil.

He’s dressed much nicer than you’re used to seeing him, he’s the type to wear baggy clothes that swallow him whole. In contrast, today he wears a crisp button-down with black slacks, his suit coat nowhere to be found. His signature designer sneakers are exchanged for loafers instead. There’s no logical reason why he could be here, considering his own busy schedule as a prince.

Soonyoung isn’t flying in for a private conversation just for the hell of it.

“Why are you here?” Your tone is resolute, not allowing for even an inch of resistance.

“That’s what we need to talk about. We’re getting married,” He lifts the corner of his mouth.

You let out a laugh that is nowhere near polite, in fact, you’re nearly cackling at the prospect of this idea. It’s simply so outlandish, so fantastical that every time you look at his face it seems more unfathomable.

Most princesses knew to let each other know that if they were charmed by him, Soonyoung was ultimately not marriage material. If anything, he was determined to make himself the least suitable husband possible.

He was the typical sweet boy turned party animal, spending most nights abroad drinking his days away with a new girl in his bed every night. He does show up to the occasional political obligation, but only when his team forces him to. That’s one reason why he bothers you so much, he has such little duty to his native country of Aranorin and the people in it that everyone else has to make him care about it.

“You’re joking, there’s no fucking way,” Your body vibrates from laughter, but you slowly come to your senses once you see he’s not cracking another joke.

“I’m not joking, I’m here to start our courtship.” His serious tone makes you start to consider the gravity of the situation.

“Hold on, so you think you can just come into Maritria, coming from god knows where,” You make a broad gesture toward him before continuing, “to formally start our relationship. That’s what you’re saying,” You cross your arms, returning to your originally defensive stance.

“Yes, this isn’t just coming out of thin air. This has been in the works for a few months now,” He raises his eyebrows to punctuate the timeline. It just makes you even more confused. Why wouldn’t anyone tell you about this?

“What do you mean?” You question.

He braces himself one last time. “I’ve been speaking to the king and queen about arranging our marriage for two months,” You almost think his face goes slightly sympathetic at his admission, but that’s wishful thinking.

Regardless, it’s a blow to your ego.

How could they not tell you? How could they so easily shift the responsibility onto him without saying a word?

It would be one thing if they were still considering other men, but to know the talks were final, that Kwon Soonyoung was your future husband whether you liked it or not, was a devastating realization.

“This is unbelievable.” You let out a shaky whisper, you’re so rattled that you force yourself to sit down and close your eyes, willing yourself to take a deep breath.

You open your eyes to see him hovering near you, clearly a stifled attempt to try and comfort you. Yet, he’s the least comforting person you’ve ever known.

“I don’t want to do this either. You’re definitely not my first choice for a wife.” He scoffs at the possibility that he could ever choose you without incentive.

“Yeah, clearly. You’d rather want a girl who would kiss your ass every day instead of being honest with you.” You retort.

The gossip that flitted between young royals all but confirmed your suspicion that he dumped any girl that tried to make a long-term connection with him. It was fine if he didn’t want to get married. Not all royals are meant for it, and he didn’t have as much pressure to marry off as the youngest child. He could get away with being a lifetime bachelor, but choosing that lifestyle wasn’t worth hurting other people in the process.

“Aw, is lifetime celibacy boring you that much to the point where you’re worried about the girls I sleep with?” He cracks a smile that you match with a forced laugh.

“No, I just think you dump them as soon as they realize how small your dick is.” You smile through your response, causing him to form his arms together.

“You’re so lucky now that we’re together, you can finally stop waiting for those nice guys who don’t have a personality to sweep you up,” His condescending tone makes you frustrated but not deterred from bantering completely.

“So I can end up dating one of your dickhead friends instead? Absolutely not,” You shake your head knowing how insufferable most of his friends are. Soonyoung just happened to be the worst of them.

“All jokes aside, I know you’re perfectly aware of why we’re getting married. I don’t have to look at the news to know things are bleak,” His straightforward approach forces you to swallow the lump in your throat.

You knew the country’s finances were not great.

You didn’t want or need to see the exact numbers, especially if it makes your day-to-day duties labored with worry. Although many political teams insist that princesses have no business in the logistical affairs of running a country, it meant everything to you to know how your country was faring in the world. Maritria already maintained a longstanding connection with Aranorin that gave your country some freedom to pursue other lucrative opportunities, but it dawned on you that it wasn’t enough.

“I’m doing this for my country, not out of some pathetic excuse you may have to avoid self-reflection. You can just get married to me and stop pretending to be a good person, right?” You ask bitingly.

“We both know I stopped pretending a long time ago. Marrying the nation’s sweetheart is just a bonus,” He smirks unapologetically, you don’t like the way the nickname sits on his tongue as if it’s his own.

“Is there anything else you want? I need to get back to work,” You stand up from your seat, trying not to look back at the door while you plot your escape. It was hard enough not to completely explode at him, and you needed to redirect your energy elsewhere.

“There is, I got you something,” He retrieves a small velvet box from his pocket. “It’s not an engagement ring, but just consider it a courtship gift.”

You open the box and lightly examine the ring. You know it’s far too expensive than most of the jewelry you’ve ever worn. Your family was wealthy, but Soonyoung’s family had the kind of money that you didn’t need to plan so carefully around. However, you don’t want to seem so easily impressed.

“It’s fine. When are you planning on proposing?” You brush him off easily.

“That ruins the surprise.” He smiles at you yet your face remains stoic.

“I’ll get your number from someone else, I don’t want to drag this out anymore.” You stuff the box in your dress pocket and start to make your way toward the exit.

“It’s been horrible to see you again, Your Royal Highness.” His stiffly formal greeting makes you turn around to face him.

You squint your eyes. “Don’t do that.”

“What?”

“The Royal Highness thing,” You point at yourself before continuing, “I’m not gonna say Your Royal Highness every time we’re in private. Don’t start giving a shit now.”

“Fine. Bye, darling.” He quips.

Your face contorts into disgust before you can stop yourself. “You’re not gonna make that my mandated wife nickname.”

“You don’t get to choose the nickname I give you, honey.” He approaches you and pinches your cheek before speaking, “Besides, it’ll be fun to try to figure out how to mask my hate for you in public.”

You cringe at his touches, but you straighten up immediately.

“Likewise,” You offer a tight-lipped smile before finally leaving the room.

You close the door behind you and take the breath you didn’t know you were holding in.

“Can you clear my schedule for the rest of the day? I need time to deal with this,” You finally look at your aide with an expectant glance.

“Yes, of course, princess.” She immediately grabs her phone to send notices to those involved. You can’t even remember who you were meant to see for the rest of the day. Your mind simply wanders to your parents, the next targets of your rage.

“I’m gonna go home. I don’t want to see anyone unless it’s my parents. Or him, not that I want him around anyways,” You roll your eyes at the thought of having to voluntarily communicate with him on a regular basis.

“Sounds good. I have his phone number, if you’d like it.” She offers.

“Ok,” You agree and quickly input his phone number. As you type in a contact name, you’re not sure what to call him.

Soonyoung is far too casual, it doesn’t feel comfortable yet. You’re absolutely not calling him by his title, not by a long shot.

The romantic pet names similar to the ones he used with you were not earned, so it left you stumped.

You settle on “headache,” because the ache in your temple is still there, bothering you immensely and now he’s adding to it.

You’re just lucky that you didn’t end up shouting at each other this time.

—

As if they could read your mind, your parents call you in for an emergency meeting before you can make it home. That pent-up rage is starting to make its way out before you even see them, it shows in the way you stomp to your father’s main office, marching far ahead of your aide.

You open the door without knocking, a major sign that you’re not looking forward to the discussion.

Your father gives you a warning look, but you’re not bothered by it. The staff turns their attention toward your bold entrance, immediately preparing themselves to leave.

Your father is sitting in his velvet study chair, poised as always. Your mother stands behind your father, idly leaning her weight against the back wall.

Her demeanor is not as composed, as if she knows you’re about to raise hell.

“We’d like a private meeting, thank you,” He gives a pained smile to the staff and they all file out silently. You watch them with a fiery gaze, waiting for the last person to close the door behind you.

When the door finally shuts, you whip your gaze to face them again.

“Soonyoung? Are you kidding me?” You exclaim.

“Y/N, please,” Your mother tries to intercept, but you’re faster than that.

“Actually, I’d like to know exactly why I was left out of the conversation about me having an arranged marriage, to begin with,” You cross your arms and lean back in your chair, preparing yourself for a bullshit excuse.

“Well, we were anticipating this kind of reaction,” he gestures at you in disapproval, “you weren’t meant to be involved in these discussions in the first place.” He speaks to you so patronizingly that it almost catches you off guard.

“So you can just decide that I’m getting married on a whim, just like that.” You snap your fingers impatiently.

“You know how the country is currently faring, you knew marriage could possibly be an option for financial security almost a year ago. Please don’t act like this is some affront to you,” Your father slowly raises his voice, fists slowly clenching as he elaborates.

“Yes, but you didn’t tell me things were this bad. You didn’t tell me that you had tried everything else. Hell, you didn’t even tell me that you were starting discussions about marriage!” You were trying your best to keep your voice even, but the defeat was starting to show through.

“We ultimately thought leaving you in the dark was best, but we miscalculated.” Your mother tries to cover for your father’s stern approach. You scoff, turning away for a moment before continuing.

Miscalculated is an understatement. You were devastated.

Your father seems to be annoyed that you were showing this much emotion while your mother seems ashamed that the situation has escalated this far. Their conflicting expressions just made you feel even worse, knowing that they couldn’t act as a united front. You wished that it was either complete anger or support from both of them.

“Soonyoung. You can’t possibly tell me he was the only option,” You turn back to them with glossy eyes.

“Sweetheart, you know Arinorin is one of our most important allies. Soonyoung would have always been an option. Even if there were better options, we couldn’t ignore him.” Her comforting tone does little to comfort you at the moment.

A tear finally falls onto your cheek. Her words hurt because she was right. Even if there was a perfect prince waiting for you out there, he wasn’t the prince of Arinorin.

“He hates me, you don’t see how much he hates me.” You shake your head and cover your face with your hands. You’re fully sobbing into your hands and it leaves your parents speechless. You know they’re looking at you with full judgment, but it didn’t matter.

“You’re giving your only daughter away to a man who despises her.” You seethe through your tears.

“He hasn’t given us any reason not to trust him.” Your father speaks up again and it breaks you down even further. He has that immovable stare on his face that signals his word is final.

You compose yourself before speaking again.

“When we get a divorce, it’ll be your fault.” You lift your hand to your cheeks, wiping away any stray tears left on your face.

“You’re being ridiculous, you’re saying that you won’t even try for your country?” Your father shifts in his seat, it seems like he wants to jump up and fully lecture you but it won’t happen.

You finally snap. “I have tried for this country! Every day, I have shown both of you what I’m capable of as a future queen, not asking you for anything. Now, the one part of my life where I should have control, choosing the person I’m married to, I have none.” By the time you finish speaking, your tears are gone by sheer will. Your eyes burn with the familiar sting of fatigue mixed with anger bubbling over the surface.

“I’m sorry, dear.” You see your mother wipe a tear of her own. You were grateful that she saw through you, at least at this moment. It was a quiet show of support that you needed amongst all these difficult feelings.

You put your head in your hands for a moment before looking up at them. “I’m going home and someone will send me the things I need to wrap my head around this entire situation.” Your tone is far more measured compared to before.

Before you can hurt your own feelings by hearing them out, you decide to make your exit. You’re nearly out of the door before you turn around again, letting go of the doorknob.

“I’ll always remember that he told me first instead of you.” With that, you leave without looking back at their expressions.

Hopefully, it’ll hurt like hell for them to hear it.

You ignore the staff members that were peering near the door, eagerly waiting to see who would break first. You’re sure that it looks dramatic, but you were far too concerned with your own feelings before anyone else’s.

—

Once you made it home, you were attempting to forget the stress of the day and it was going relatively well. You were able to catch up on a TV show you’d been forgetting to watch, and finally remembering to do self-care tasks that were left unattended due to your work.

Now, you’re taking a bubble bath with no intention of opening your eyes anytime soon. You needed to just sit, you didn’t have much time to do that most days.

The water is still fairly hot, enough to where you can sink down and continue to salvage any remaining calmness you might’ve had left.

Thus, your vibrating phone didn’t exactly make you feel at ease. You hope that it wasn’t one of your parents, considering your conversation didn’t have a clean finish. Any of their apologies would be falling on stubborn ears.

You glance at your lock screen and if anything, it’s worse.

It’s him. You pick up the phone with an anxious hand and press the accept button.

“What do you want?” You snap at him.

“You actually picked up!” He notes with a hint of surprise.

“Trust me, I didn’t want to.” You shift uncomfortably in the bathtub, the sloshing water calling you out immediately.

“Is that water? What are you doing?” His curious nature already annoys you, so it’ll be easier to dodge the question.

“None of your business.” Your free hand cups the remaining bubbles in the bath.

“Oh my god, is the princess naked on the phone with me?” He sounds far too pleased with himself. You can practically hear his shit-eating grin in the way he replies.

“You’re a horny little freak who hasn’t told me why he’s called yet.” You force yourself to sit up now that the relaxation in your body is quickly dissipating.

“Right. We’re doing intimacy coordination tomorrow. I figured you didn’t look at that schedule they gave you.”

“Shit.” You sigh just out of earshot.

Intimacy coordination isn’t common at all with arranged royal marriages. If a couple looked like they had never met before in their life, it was typically on them for not being more convincing. Yet, the number of public events you two have to be involved in over the foreseeable future warranted different circumstances. If you couldn’t look head over heels for each other at the wedding, it was going to spell trouble for both countries.

“I’m only in town until tomorrow night, so I don’t have to look at your face for much longer than that,” You sigh at his response, knowing that he’s not one to hold back with you.

“I wish you could leave sooner, maybe I could actually enjoy not seeing you even more than I already do.” You reach to open the drain.

“Just practicing my future husband duties by stressing you out, love,” You can practically hear his smile through the phone.

“That one isn’t bad, actually,” Your thoughts trail off once you hear it, but he brings you back to reality almost immediately.

“So that’s definitely not what I’m gonna call you.”

“I’m hanging up.” Your waning patience with him has officially run out and you’re itching to move on with your night.

“Bye, honey!” He’s laughing uncontrollably through the response and it makes your blood boil. It’s clear that this is already a joke to him.

“Fuck off,” You hang up before you have to listen to his laughter any longer. You put your head in your hands and let out a muffled scream.

He already wanted to make this courtship as excruciating as possible.

You finally stand up from the bath and wrap a warm towel around your body, staring at your reflection in the mirror.

Luckily, your parents did listen to your request and a massive document of schedules and timelines of your relationship with Soonyoung appeared in your email inbox.

You had only skimmed the schedule before Soonyoung called you, you stopped looking at it before it stressed you out beyond repair.

According to the timeline your parents created in accordance with his team, you were supposed to have been dating for 11 months at this point.

You can’t possibly imagine putting up a front for 11 months, but then again, you would have to pretend for the rest of your life.

That thought haunts you through the rest of your night routine.

How do you carve your life around Soonyoung when he’s creeping his way into everything?

How do you find peace when you’re with someone who’s determined to misunderstand you?

These questions have you wiping your tears as you attempt to fall asleep that night.

—

To your dismay, the intimacy training was first thing in the morning.

You were barely conscious, but somehow you arrived early with a slightly cloudy mentality and an overall dread for the next 2 hours.

You were the first of the three, besides your personal staff members, to arrive at the dance studio. You figured the space was far too big for what you were working through today, but you forego criticism to admire the room.

Admittedly, you didn’t go into many of the creative spaces throughout the palace because you weren’t a creative type. The arts were simply something you admired from afar, you didn’t have the talent even as a child to pursue these things seriously.

This apparently needed to be remedied as you notice the sweeping mirrors around the perimeter of the room. The hardwood floors were practically shining underneath your feet. You’re sure that whoever used the room was sure to enjoy themselves.

You’re admiring yourself in the mirror when you catch Soonyoung entering the room. He quietly greets the staff, giving short bows to everyone in sight.

It’s the only time you’ve seen him act with a royal demeanor, even in his casual workout clothes it’s a bit surprising to see him this way.

He makes his way over to you with a smile on his face.

“You’re early.” He eyes you up and down.

“Unfortunately, yes. You look.. comfortable.” You don’t mean to raise your voice up another octave, but you were just barely attempting niceties.

“So do you, you actually don’t look like you're trying too hard for once.” He leans against the mirror and gives you another judgmental look.

“It’s far too early in the morning to play this game, Kwon Soonyoung. Don’t get your feelings hurt.” You close your eyes before you get too angry, a slight change of pace from your typical interactions with him.

“It’s fine. I’m sure you’ll be more awkward considering you’ve only had two boyfriends, one who looked like he was your son.” He stifled a giggle.

“Chan was so sweet.” You pouted at the thought of your teenage boyfriend. He really was kind, probably the perfect first boyfriend that you could ask for. You remember how much he cried when you broke up with him. You just weren’t the same person you were when you started dating him at 16, so you needed the space to grow apart.

Unfortunately, Soonyoung was right about the mom thing.

“It’s not my fault I had a growth spurt and the stylists kept dressing me like a divorce lawyer.” You insisted.

You recalled how harsh the style blogs were on you back then, many claimed that you’d never find your own personal style as long as other people kept dressing you older than you actually were. Unfortunately, they were also right. You live and learn though.

However, you didn’t even want to think about your second boyfriend.

“I’m just saying good chemistry doesn’t come naturally to all of us, it’s okay to ask for help.” His faux concern was especially irritating.

You weren’t that awkward with men, were you?

You didn’t have much time to consider an answer before a young woman walked into the studio.

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you both! My name is Elise and I’ll be leading you both through training today.” She offers her hand out to you for a handshake and you accept with a smile. She does the same to Soonyoung and moves toward the mirror.

“So, how long have you known each other?” She dives right into discussions with the question.

“Around 15 years or so?” The number that came out of your mouth was definitely a rough estimate, but it sounded about right.

You vaguely remember being introduced to Soonyoung and his older siblings at a fancy state dinner as a child. He was far less mischievous then, a bit timid around everyone except his family. Since then, you’ve ran into each other regularly due to the relationship between your parents. They were far closer to each other than you were with him and his siblings, so the situation feels a bit ironic now.

“Okay, but I’m assuming you haven’t been in contact very often?” She clarifies.

“Not at all.” He chimes in.

“Right, so we’ve got our work cut out for us then. Today isn’t gonna be too complicated, you’re just gonna be trying some physical activities to see how natural that looks.” Elise smiles in order to lighten the mood, but you’re certain it won’t work out.

“So, what are we gonna practice, hugging?” He scoffs, and you’re certain that he thinks this is all bullshit. You weren’t happy about it either, but keeping up appearances was the most important part of this.

“Yes, I know that sounds weird, but I promise it’ll pay off,” Elise continues to offer reassuring statements, but he’s not convinced and frankly, neither are you. You exchange a glance with him and decide to take the lead as the awkwardness continues to sit in the air.

“So where should we start?” You ask out of a mix of curiosity and dread.

“Let’s just have you both hold hands.”

Soonyoung extends a hand out to you with a smirk on his face. You’d rather slap him, but you’d think it would leave Elise traumatized.

You take his hand a bit too forcefully and adjust yourself within his hold. By glancing at the two of you in the mirror, you notice two things.

First, his hands are warm, a bit too warm for this moment.

Secondly, his thumb is absentmindedly brushing against the back of your hand. You can’t call attention to it or else it’ll stop, and you decide in the moment that it’s too relaxing. He probably doesn’t even notice that he’s doing something so romantic, that little bastard.

“Okay, so how does that feel?” Elise asks.

“Fine.” The reply forces itself out of your mouth.

“It’s fine.” He agrees with a nod of his head. He also peers at the both of you in the mirror with a slight curiosity, his head tilting slightly.

“We do look good together, though.” He murmurs to himself. You’re not sure if it’s the arrogance peeking through and he only believes you look good while he’s with you, but maybe for a second, you can see what he’s talking about.

“Good, and what’s a small physical gesture you can do to make each other feel at ease?” Elise’s question causes you to look up at him.

This feels unnecessary since Soonyoung is not a nervous person. No matter what, his particularly frustrating charm and gregarious personality never allow any anxiety to show to others.

“I can just do this.” He calls attention to the thumb thing and that puts you on the spot.

He seems incapable of needing comfort. It’s one of the things that keeps a silent distance between the two of you. You believe that he remains emotionally stunted in order to navigate his world a bit easier.

He can let the girls who want something more from him down easy, and they don’t realize how bad it really felt to be pushed away until they never see him again.

You didn’t want to end up in that position.

“I don’t know.” You let your mind wander for a moment.

Yet, he was bold. He was always decisive in what he wanted, never caring about what his actions made him look like if it was for better or worse.

You figured that you should be bold too.

You intertwine your fingers deeper into his grasp and pull his hand to your lips, leaving a small peck on the back of his hand.

His eyes widened immediately. “That’s quite forward, princess.”

“I needed to one-up you,” You answer nonchalantly, but you don’t miss the slight spark in his eyes. It was unexpected, and you were always going by the book.

Elise ignores your conversation and continues her questioning. “So I assume you both will be interested in PDA?”

“To a certain extent, I don't see why not.” You pull back slightly into your reserved nature, but he runs with it.

“Yes, we’re supposed to be a more open and progressive couple to represent a new generation of royals, so it would be nice to be a bit bolder,” He nods decisively along with his response.

You didn’t really think about the relationship like that until he mentioned it. While you were attuned to a certain sense of responsibility as the singular face of your country’s new generation of leadership, it was known that you fought back against regressive norms brought up in your daily work.

Why not lean into something new when the image of your respective countries so desperately needed a refresh?

“That’s good to know. I know you both have different styles, but I think there are ways we can meet in the middle here.” Elise notes.

That statement proves to be true for the rest of your session. Elise leads you both through hugging and slightly provocative gestures that make you want to crawl out of your skin, but you both fumble your way through it.

Soonyoung seems insistent on embarrassing you with more revealing gestures while yours are relatively contained. He’s being a bit too playful for your liking, but it helps you understand his personality a bit more.

You decide that you want a moment to speak with him before he flies back home later that evening, excusing Elise and the remaining staff to leave you both in the studio.

“When do we see each other again?” You ask.

“You’re a bit too eager, aren’t you darling?” He smirks at you, and you lose the slight bit of faith you had instilled in him before.

“Shut up, I’m just trying to remember this stupid schedule.” You grumble. You resort to pulling out your phone instead, quickly finding the most up-to-date iteration of the relationship timeline in your email inbox.

“I’ll be in Arinorin in a few weeks to meet your parents,” Your brain works through the schedule quickly, scanning the information fast enough to say it out loud.

“Oh shit.” He mutters under his breath.

Oh shit was right. You haven’t had a proper conversation with the king and queen since you were a teenager. It was typical family friend fare, asking how your studies were going, if your hobbies were still things you enjoyed and a faint interest in any other topics that you happened to bring up.

Since then, there were only brief interactions in passing that were fairly positive. They must’ve thought quite well of you if they agreed to have their youngest son marry you, but that was something you’d have to inquire about with them.

“And to go on a date with you,” You mumbled.

That’s what really rattled you. It wouldn’t be real until no one else was around to direct and stage your romance, it was up to the both of you to make it happen.

“Right, I’ll get to choose what we get up to.” You can tell that his brain is creating a vision that will be less than satisfactory, and you can’t fight the urge to attempt to gain control.

“We aren’t going on your yacht, are we? I think you’ve broken enough hearts there.” You tease him.

“Very funny, and no, we’re not going on the boat… anymore.” He admits with an eye roll.

“See! I knew you were gonna take me there!” You interject, letting out the laugh that had been sitting in your chest for a minute or so.

“I’m never anybody’s boyfriend, cut me some slack,” He says it as if it’d get him off the hook for being mentally checked out during this process.

That much was obvious from the lack of planning, but you’d have to give him some space to try and impress you.

“Yeah, that’s pretty clear. I know long-term planning isn’t your strength.” You bite back and he brushes it off easily.

“Get all your jokes out now, but I’m gonna impress you. Mark my words,” He points at you while heading towards the door.

“We’ll see about that, loverboy,” You check your phone absentmindedly while he sees himself out.

“Is that my nickname?” He pokes his head back into the door with an excited tone.

“Bye, Soonyoung,” You grit your teeth into a smile and watch him reluctantly leave the room.

You can only hope your future in-laws aren’t as insufferable as him.

—

A few weeks later, the trip to Arinorin has arrived and all of its possible consequences are driving you up a wall. The culmination of meeting with your future in-laws, the date with Soonyoung, and the idea of being perceived as his partner outside of your home country are all slightly nauseating.

At first, it was just fun and games, but now, as the plane lands, the tension settles beneath your skin. Soonyoung was supposed to be picking you up, but you didn’t have much faith in that happening.

You barely remembered to grab the ring he gifted you so you could wear it while you were in town, simply as a reminder that this was all happening.

You exit the plane with your luggage in tow, only for Soonyoung to be waiting on the tarmac. He’s accompanied by a large black SUV that is clearly not his personal car, but his stance is trying to convince you that it is.

“Hi, princess.” He calls out with a wave of his hand.

“When are you gonna actually call me by my name?” You approach him with squinted eyes, your vision steadily adjusting to the early afternoon sun.

“When this feels less awkward, so give or take a few years,” He jokes.

“Not funny,” You gesture to him to take your luggage, and he catches the hint once you look at him again. You don’t want to shoulder smaller tasks onto his staff, you wanted to see how he would handle these things instead.

“How was the flight?” He calls out to you again, you hear the trunk slam shut and he comes into view again to anticipate your answer.

“It was alright, I’m just tired.” You rub at your temples to punctuate the feeling.

“Hopefully your room will be good enough,” He sounds somewhat considerate while opening the door for you. It feels wrong.

You slide into the back row with him following behind you. He shuts the door and his driver promptly begins the drive to the palace.

“Are you nervous about the trip? My parents aren’t exactly as kind as yours,” Soonyoung chuckles.

You let out a deep sigh. You wouldn’t call them kind considering the circumstances, in fact, you’re barely on speaking terms with them outside of public obligations.

Was it petty? Yes.

Was it also justified? Yes.

You figured that icing them out for a while would help them come to their senses. If worst comes to worst, maybe it could help you gain further control over the wedding.

Nevertheless, you were still upset with them.

“They’re really not that great, and I’d say that I’m pretty good with parents,” You avoid his glance to look out the window instead, taking in the sights of the country.

You don’t have many memories of Arinorin. Many of them were informed by meetings that you couldn’t even remember anymore.

“You’re right. The nation’s sweetheart can charm anyone. Plus it’ll give me time to think about what we’re gonna do on the date,” He affirms with a nod of his head.

“God, don’t remind me. If I’m lucky, we’ll be meeting at a strip club.” You roll your eyes.

“You really have no faith in me!” He pouts. You don’t give into him though.

“It's hard enough just being in a car with you.”

—

Soonyoung doesn’t ever have to think about first dates.

In fact, he doesn’t think he’s been on a proper first date since he was a teenager. Even then, it was low stakes. He could just pick something random for him and another girl to do, and it would be completely inconsequential to his life.

Now, impressing his future wife with an incredible first date feels monumental. He barely knew anything about you besides that goody two shoes personality of yours. It seemed like everyone was suddenly obsessed with you and he was the last to know.

He decides that a midday picnic is inoffensive enough for the both of you to enjoy. If either of you were miserable with each other, there would at least be good food to distract from it. The sunny weather was already on his side, now he just had to charm you.

You waved slightly as you approached his picnic blanket, stopping before your feet could cover the edge of the blanket.

“Wow, this is a lot,” Your eyes landed on the assortment of food spread across the blanket. There was a spread of fruit, snacks, and sandwiches for the two of you to eat together. Soonyoung knew he didn’t completely fuck up by the way you nodded, but you weren’t exactly jumping to praise him in general.

“I don’t get a hello?” He attempts a greeting but it falls flat.

You roll your eyes. “Hi, Soonyoung,” You state halfheartedly, crossing your arms in protest.

“Hi. Does the food look alright?” He takes off his sunglasses and fixes his gaze on you.

“Yeah, I figured you’d be inept at setting up a date, so it’s surpassed my expectations already,” You give him a tight-lipped smile before sitting on the blanket. He attempts to ignore the way your dress hikes up slightly to expose your thigh. The sundress that you’re wearing seems to expose every detail of your body that he’s neglected to look at, but he snaps back into focus when he hears you clear your throat.

Once you both start eating, it’s clear how little you have in common with each other. Sure, he figured it’d be a little difficult to get to know you, but the lingering silence doesn’t exactly make him eager to strike up a conversation.

“How do you feel about all this?” You ask suddenly. It catches him so off guard that he chokes on the piece of fruit he was chewing.

He coughs, raising the attention of the nearby guards. You turn to them, giving a signal that he’s okay before turning around. “Damn, I didn’t think the question was that bad,” You laugh sadly.

“No, it’s fine. I just didn’t expect it.” He waves off any suspicion.

He takes a deep breath. “I mean, I’m not thrilled. I know the economic aspect of this is the most important thing, but my parents are practically dying to marry me off,” He reaches for a bottle of wine, grabbing a nearby glass before pouring himself something to drink.

“So I’m not the first?” You ask.

“Absolutely not,” He snickers. This relationship would mark the 5th time his parents have tried to set him up with a fellow royal. He has managed to sabotage all previous attempts on account of pissing his parents off.

The girls they set him up with were nice enough, but he had no chemistry with any of them. He felt like sparing them from a relationship full of misery by ruining it before it even started.

“So your parents figured you wouldn’t want to escape a marriage instead of just dating?” You attempt to clarify.

“Bingo,” He sips his wine before handing you the bottle.

“So, does that mean you’re gonna try to escape this?” You accept it and pour yourself a fuller glass, immediately taking a sip after asking the question.

“I think you’d be pretty fucked if I tried to do that. I’m not that much of an asshole,” He shakes his head and laughs it off. Since being hated by his parents was bad enough, Soonyoung didn’t want to become the center of an emerging geopolitical crisis.

It would fuck everyone over, especially you. He could at least admit to himself that you didn’t deserve that.

“That’s nice, I guess,” You smile halfheartedly at him.

“Don’t say I never did anything for you.” He speaks in an unusually flat tone before turning away to face the view of sprawling hills and seemingly endless mountaintops. The sight of the burgeoning nature surrounding the houses below him brought a sense of peace.

Before you asked, he hadn't given the entire arranged marriage process much thought. Sure, he knew that you’d be getting married relatively soon, but he had no idea how to present himself as a good partner. He didn’t exactly know how to move forward knowing that everyone expected him to fail.

“You really are a dickhead,” You mumble.

“You’re not exactly sweet as pie either. Everyone loves you, but you’re fucking miserable to be around.” He responds in a piercing tone.

“Well, if you get to be a cunt, then so should I. It’s not like I’m getting anything out of this,” You shoot back.

You were definitely worse off as an only child. Sure, he was the black sheep of the family, but he could get away with plenty of things as the youngest. His siblings were off impressing the world by ruling the country, getting PhDs, having a shit ton of kids, and generally being upstanding citizens.

However, it didn’t make sense for him to try that hard.

“Your country’s finances won’t go to shit, isn’t that enough?”

His question seems to bring out another layer of frustration for you. “No, I want a husband who gives two shits about me past my bra size, but apparently that’s wishful thinking,” You angrily bite into a strawberry and turn away from him.

“Look, we don’t have to do anything except pretend that we’re in love. So, let’s not do anything past that. Alright?” He proposes. Your face is unreadable, but the way you chew on the inside of your lip shows that he’d never get to know what’s eating away at you.

“Alright,” Your body language seems to retreat completely.

The mood of the date is different after that, and his request seems to render you both silent as you eat the rest of the food without interacting. The view of the countryside makes him wish that he didn’t have to deal with any of this, just live in a tiny house where no one had to remind him about his impending marriage.

—

The entire day leading up to the Youth Summit Ball left you feeling incredibly rattled.

You know the staff is perfectly capable of executing your vision for the ball as they've done year after year. It was one of your signature events as a royal, and its annual presence in Maritria brought much-needed attention to the country with the presence of young royals and its ever-popular red carpet.

Tonight, however, would be the first time Soonyoung is escorting you as a “longtime” boyfriend in public. You’ve been seen together in public, yes, but this is a public declaration that you are hypothetically in love with him. As a co-chair of the event, nothing could go wrong since many of your peers would be attending with their families.

Nothing could go wrong, thus you needed him to know the extent of your anxiety.

You heard a knock on the door, and you’re accepting them inside without a second thought.

“You wanted to see me?” He asks as he steps inside the dressing room.

You’re thrown by how handsome he looks. You argued with each other over text about what he should wear, he insisted that it didn’t matter. Yet, your color palettes were not to be betrayed. You internally thank yourself for persisting with a navy suit. It contrasted well with his platinum-blonde hair that seemed to attract as many eyes as possible while you were out in public together.

“Yes, I did. You need to behave tonight, I’m not risking anything because you want to get your dick wet,” You scoff.

“Trust me, I already got this little lecture from your mother. I’ll be fine.” He smirks at you, not doing much to quiet the anxiety that was starting to build in your stomach.

“Well, your girlfriend is telling you herself that I’m serious about this,” Your hands automatically move up to his shoulders, smoothing out the nonexistent creases on his jacket. It was still weird to call yourself his girlfriend, the word felt too stiff coming from your mouth.

“And I’m reluctantly listening,” He moves his hand to your bare shoulder, brushing something off with a few light sweeps. You opted to wear a black form fitting gown, the design was relatively simple but it was still eye-catching. You thought you noticed Soonyoung taking glances at you.

“Do you remember everything I told you about tonight?” You remind him.

“Why wouldn’t I remember, Y/N?” He gives you that “are you serious” kind of look and you’re starting to buckle under the pressure.

“I don’t know, maybe you’re nervous or something,” You turn away from him, peering into the mirror to check if there are any flaws with your makeup.

“I don’t get nervous about stuff like this. Are you nervous?” You see him approaching, but you put your focus immediately back on your face.

“What? No, stop, I’m fine,” You purse your lips to check your lipstick. He mimics you, pushing his lips out like a duck and it startles you.

“Those cheeks of yours are telling me otherwise,” He rubs a finger on your cheek and you slap it away almost immediately.

“Stop, Soonyoung, I’m serious. Let’s just get through the night.” You shoot him a warning look and he puts his hands up defensively.

“Okay, no funny business. I promise,” He smiles. It’s not enough to convince you, but your mind is too focused on creating a good outcome for the night that it’s fruitless trying to argue with him any further.

“Ready for a good time?” He offers his hand out to you, and you reluctantly accept it.

“It sounds bad when you say it.”

—

“You know, she said we should kiss just once to see what it’s like,” His voice was slightly slurred as if the alcohol was slowly taking possession of his words.

“You’re just tipsy,” You throw your purse across the living room and fumble to lock the door shut.

“No, you are, I saw you sneak two shots out of the kitchen,” He points with a shocked smile, “plus a few glasses of chardonnay. You’re not fooling me, princess.”

He was probably right, but that didn’t make it any better. “God forbid that I wanna drink at my own event. Why are you at my place right now?” You’re irritated at his presence almost constantly.

“You wanted me to do everything for you, remember? So you could just hop into bed with no worries,” He waves his arm into the air.

The event went well, accounting for your drunkenness and Soonyoung’s unpredictable nature.

“What are you waiting for then? Take my shoes off,” You flail your arms helplessly, your body is slowly slumping forward but Soonyoung catches you before you stumble.

“Okay, let's sit down, miss bossy. You’re ordering me around when I was a perfect boyfriend tonight,” He guides you to your couch, slowly easing you down onto the seat when you let out an audible sigh of relief.

“You were an average boyfriend who didn’t look stupid in front of paparazzi. Don’t feel too proud of yourself.” Your tolerance for his shenanigans was lower than usual now that you were drunk, and you didn’t feel bad about fighting back at him.

“All of this is extra credit,” He tries to reason himself out of the bare minimum.

“Taking care of me is not extra credit, it’s the standard. You’re supposed to be taking care of me for the rest of my life, not just right now. Idiot,” You roll your eyes and close them briefly before his voice forces you awake again.

“You’re so mean to me, your poor boyfriend is still learning what you like,” He finally takes off your heels and you let out a deep sigh of relief.

“Better?” He asks with a smile. You know that he wants to laugh at you so badly, but you’re too far gone to care.

“Much better,” You close your eyes for a moment before snapping again. “Take off my jewelry.”

He removes your earrings quite easily, but you still feel a bit flustered when he leans toward your ear to focus on undoing the clasps of your necklace.

He settles his face near your neck to fully remove your diamond necklace, he cradles it in his hand and you think you might go slightly insane. He places it on the coffee table gently and looks back at you with a smirk.

“What’s going on?” You pick up on his expression.

“Nothing, I’m gonna do your hair.” He turns your body so your back is facing him now. He’s sort of just feeling around for bobby pins, placing them down on the coffee table whenever he pulls another out. Once he takes out the decorative pins near the top of your head, your hair finally feels free.

“Soonyoung?” You ask suddenly.

“Hmm?” He’s organizing all the hairpins but takes a moment to look up at you.

“Do you think I’m pretty?” Your voice is a bit timid, nervous about how he might react. You would’ve contained yourself in any other circumstance, but now you just needed to head that you were worth complimenting.

“Where’s all this coming from, you’re just fishing for compliments now,” He shakes his head with a smile on his face.

“No, I’m not. It’s just-,” Your thoughts trail off, but Soonyoung catches your attention again with a gentle hand on your thigh. You don’t jump to move it away.

“Everybody was looking at us, but some people looked at us like I wasn’t meant to be with you. Is that true? Am I not pretty enough to be with you?” You feel increasingly insecure the more you elaborate. You didn’t think you’d feel this upset about it, but it meant your work was failing. You weren’t a believable couple and it was obvious to you now.

“Y/N, don’t say that. You’re beautiful,” His voice is noticeably softer.

“Not beautiful enough to sleep with. You wouldn’t sleep with me,” You rub your eyes with your hands and Soonyoung removes them from your face, laughing at the traces of makeup on the sides of your fingers. It seems like he still caught what you said though when he stops laughing.

“And that’s not the point. You’re just saying shit now, all of the guys in there would be lucky to even kiss you,” He insists. He stands up suddenly and walks toward your room. You assume he gets up to find makeup wipes, but you sit with his statement in the meantime.

You contemplate if you’d even want to kiss any of the royals who came to the party. You knew your standards were high and wondered if that would chase them off before they even had a chance to kiss you. He comes back and immediately wipes across your face the moment he sits down. His approach is slightly rough, but you couldn’t exactly get mad at him. He was just doing what you asked of him.

He’s analyzing if he got all of the makeup off when you speak up.

“But you’re not lucky?” You remark quietly.

That makes him clear his throat. You can even spot a hint of blush across his cheeks. It appears that you’ve riled him up slightly.

“I am lucky,” He lowers his head to rub the back of his neck with his hand, “You give me a run for my money.”

“Show me how lucky you are.” You continue to tempt him to see how he’ll react.

“I thought you wanted me to behave tonight?” He’s almost willing to act, but he still waits for your approval.

“I do, but she said we should kiss for practice,” You swallow lightly in anticipation. He rests his forehead against yours and you can hear his breath hitch in his throat.

You’ve been good, you’ve been so good all of your life. You don’t think you’ve done anything worth batting an eye at for your entire adolescence and young adulthood, but it was exhausting.

It was exhausting to be good, the voice of reason, the example of a perfect daughter to your country.

You weren’t in love with him, absolutely not.

Yet, the curiosity about what his lips tasted like made you want to be rebellious.

“I didn’t think you heard me.” He chuckled softly.

“I did,” You nodded your head against his. Soonyoung didn’t ask for permission to be bad, he just did it. That’s what runs through your brain when your lips meet his. Neither of you move for a moment and you’re afraid that you messed up.

That is until you feel Soonyoung’s hand cradling the back of your neck. He’s tilting into the kiss and you know he’s comfortable by the way his tongue slips into your mouth.

He tastes like tequila mostly, but there’s a hint of sweetness that you suspect comes from the dessert table at the party.

It feels so much better than you expected, now you know why girls couldn’t get enough of him. Even if it is just practice, he still took it far more seriously than you expected.

You haven’t had many kisses that were worth remembering, but this was something spectacular.

You know he’s kissed people far more times than you have, but there’s still a hesitant energy there that you can’t describe.

Did you make him nervous?

He pulls away first and it surprises you. He takes a deep breath and looks at you with tired eyes.

“Just a practice kiss, right?” He whispers.

“Just practice.” You affirm, pulling your head back. You’re not sure why it felt so disappointing to not have another kiss. You were sobering up which made the realization even worse.

“I’ll leave now before you kick me out.” He stands up from the couch and you don’t follow him. He makes it to the door and turns around.

“Don’t stay up all night reading thinking you can fight a hangover, go to bed.” He points at you with a teasing finger.

“Don’t lecture me, Kwon Soonyoung.” You stand up and walk toward your bedroom, ignoring whatever expression is on his face. You don’t look back until you hear the front door shut.

He didn’t say goodbye and that was probably for the best. You didn’t need any other memory from this part of the night to linger in your brain.

You rush back to the living room to lock the door again and sulk back to your bedroom. You eye the novel on your bedside table, you left it there earlier in the day to pick up whether you ended up drunk from the party or not.

Damn, he was good.

—

There were now multiple days, even weeks, between your shared schedules with him, and the more time that went by after the kiss only made you want to see him again.

Of course, he was friendly to you in public, and you were both able to handle public events with ease, but

the timing left you with many questions, and one stuck out in particular.

Why was he nervous to kiss you?

Today, he requested a private schedule for the two of you before he left Maritria early next week. There was a sneaking suspicion that it was the proposal since there wouldn’t be another reason for you to be alone.

He never wants to be left alone with you, it’s all about putting on an act for others that makes it so thrilling for him.

That’s what you try to tell yourself, at least.

“You’re here,” He eyes you carefully as you approach the entrance of the private garden. He’s surrounded by endless blooms, it’s almost suffocating how romantic it’s supposed to feel.

“I’m here because you want me here,” You offer quietly.

“Right, well I don’t want to waste any time. I’m sure my princess has lots of work to do today.”

On any other day, he’d be right, but the underlying suspicion of his true intentions made you want to linger.

He grabs your hand before you have another second to contemplate your feelings.

“I know that I’m not the person you wanted this to be from, but that’s how things have turned out. We both can’t get what we want, but I want to make this a good memory for us regardless of the situation.”

He gets down on one knee before asking. “So, Y/N, will you marry me?”

His hands held a small black velvet box and he quickly opened it to reveal a stunning oval shaped diamond ring. There are definitely more carats than you've ever seen on an engagement ring, and the gold band it sits upon feels equally regal.

It almost makes you sick from how ornate and gaudy it is, but it’s yours.

“You know this is the part where you say yes,” He clears his throat.

“Give me a second,” You mumble. You can’t see his glance, instead choosing to look at the ring. Everything else felt like a game before, but this was real.

He is proposing to you, offering a ring to you to signify a love that wasn’t actually real. That kind of sappy affectionate love you dreamed of would never come to fruition, possibly for the rest of your life.

It’s a realization that is entirely too bleak for the moment.

You’re meant to be happy, but if your parents were here they’d pick apart how long it took you to respond.

“Yes, I’ll marry you,” You force a smile onto your face to appease him. It doesn’t seem like he notices the pained expression within it, only offering a content sigh.

“Great.” He rises to his feet to place the ring on the appropriate finger. It feels like it’s all over now, you can imagine the rest of your future laid ahead of you on a set path.

The thought of taking constant publicity trips as a couple, having future heirs to the throne, and the idea of bringing him into Maritria’s lineage makes you wonder if you did everything you could to save yourself.

There is no out, just you, him, and the impenetrable distance between you both.

You wonder how a couple might build a life with an unstable foundation.

“Should we kiss?” His question brings you back to your senses.

“What?”

“For the camera, we should kiss.” He points to a photographer making themselves known from a nearby bush.

You swallow the lump in your throat and nod.

This is your duty, right?

You pull him close and kiss him, trying to ignite the small spark you felt when he was at your apartment.

Yet, the feeling doesn’t come and you pull away from him gently after a few moments.

“We just need some photos for social media and then you’re free to go.” The photographer reassures you with a kind tone.

You snap into professional mode in order to speed up the process. Your hand rests on his chest, angling it slightly to show off the ring. You force a smile, trying to indulge in the fantasy of it all. Once he gets a few shots of that pose, you turn back to look into Soonyoung’s eyes.

He was unfortunately quite handsome, it’s a shame that nothing else about him could make you happy.

“What are you thinking about?” His questioning pulls you out of your head once again, but you’re not sure what to tell him.

Being honest with him means making a sweet moment uncomfortable, and lying to him means letting your pain continue to simmer.

You go for the latter, to spare everyone a difficult moment. “Nothing. The ring is beautiful,” You shift the conversation with a quiet tone in order to deflect the topic off of you. He smiles widely, his face tells you that he didn’t expect you to like it one bit.

“I let my team take the reins with it since I don’t know you that well.” He responds so earnestly, and you’re not sure if he understands how hurtful that sounds.

You take it in stride though. “Well, it’s beautiful.”

He only nods and takes a moment to adjust his suit jacket.

You watch him brush over the fabric with his hands, wondering how in the world you ended up here. Even if things were different, fate would probably still bring you into Soonyoung’s orbit in another way.

Regardless, it’s enough to make you even more upset. Once the photographer is satisfied with the variety of shots, you’re about to leave when you feel Soonyoung’s hand touch your shoulder.

“Hey.” He turns your body to face him with his hand. You’re not sure how much longer you can stand in front of him without crying.

“We’re still on for this weekend, right?”

You can’t be bothered to remember what he means, but it’s best just to agree. It’s not like you had much of a choice.

“Yeah. I’ll see you then.” You nod at him before leaving. The moment you turn your back, you can’t hold back the stray tears falling onto your cheeks. You can only hope that he can’t hear your sniffling.

—

Now that the proposal news was officially out, your life had an even bigger microscope on it than usual. You’re used to being judged on a public scale, however, there were millions of people who were obsessed with Soonyoung that now wanted to know every single piece of information about his new fiancée.

Your Instagram posts and tweets had an influx of new activity that you could barely keep up with, and the new attention was starting to work into every corner of your life, even the time you spent with Soonyoung.

“Can you tell your fans to stop making video edits of me?” You stuff your phone into your jacket pocket in slight annoyance. You were genuinely trying to enjoy the private dates you had with Soonyoung, even if they were heavily guarded by staff. It was only right that you treated these outings as the dates they were, opportunities to get to know him better in order to connect with him that would hopefully prevent any issues further down the line.

Today, the location of the date was your choice and the staff had elected to leave you alone in light of the proposal news. Thus, you decide to take Soonyoung to a small beach on the outskirts of Maritria’s capital city. You’ve spent many days throughout your teenage years in your favorite spot, a cove in a hidden part of the beach. You figured that it’d be smart to let him in on a few things that you enjoyed, namely one of your most treasured spots in the country.

“That means they like you, and since when are you afraid of attention?” His interest is now piqued as he places his head in his hand to face you.

“Since always, I’m not exactly a Kwon Soonyoung-level attention whore,” You scoff.

“I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” He speaks in an exaggerated sad tone, accompanied by his pretending to cry. He turns his head to face you, sunglasses attempting to hide the goofiness peeking through.

“Still, I mean this is all a lot. I’m not exactly important enough to warrant 700,000 new followers.” You attempt to redirect the conversation.

As soon as the remark leaves your mouth, Soonyoung takes his sunglasses off. He looks at you with a confused glance, as if your self-deprecation was a personal attack on him.

“What are you talking about? You’re a princess and a genuinely nice one at that. That’s pretty hard to come by these days,” He compliments you. It pulls at your heartstrings very slightly, enough to absentmindedly check for a blush on your cheeks before snapping out of it.

“You wouldn’t know, you don’t see anything past the title before you sleep with these girls,” You attempt to defuse the response again, but he’s prepared.

“First of all, those days are behind me. I’m a proper engaged man now,” His thumb grazes your engagement ring and it sends a chill down your spine.

“And second, that statement is funny coming from someone who’s marrying me for financial stability,” He pokes your shoulder and you move to cover it.

“Correction, my country’s financial stability. You’ll have to get used to living here once we’re married,” You clarify.

“Who said we’re living in Maritria?” He argues instantly. You let out a sigh and try to understand the perspective he’s going to bring up.

“Soonyoung, wouldn’t it be smart to show how much the country’s condition would improve with you here?”

“Yes, but imagine being in Arinorin. The optics of giving you away to the country that saved yours seem pretty positive to me.” He suggests. While idealistic, the perspective is shortsighted. He didn’t necessarily have a shining future back in his home country considering his reputation and lack of communication with his parents.

“Even though you’ll never be king?” You didn’t mean for the question to sound so mean, but it’s true.

He was not the country’s future king, not unless there were dire circumstances that would force him into the position.

He scoffs. “Way to rub it in.” He looks into the distance, not acknowledging your glance anymore.

“I’m just saying. At least here, you’ll have the chance to have more of the public’s attention. There’s nothing to fight over, it’s just me,” You add sympathetically.

There’s a lingering silence that you don’t want to fill for the moment. You can tell he’s mulling over your words by the way he’s looking down at his hands, playing with his sunglasses idly.

“You know, you don’t have to stay there. Not to be that person, but if the idea of staying makes you feel worse, then what’s the point?” You soften your tone in an attempt to bring him back.

“You don’t know what it’s like,” He shakes his head resolutely. You feel your window of opportunity to try and comfort him closing rapidly.

“Ok, you’re right, but I’ve kept up with the news. I know a bit about how my future in-laws have treated you. You’ll be okay here,” You place a hand on his shoulder.

“I think they’ve wanted me to leave for a while, honestly. I’d go somewhere where they don’t have to think about me anymore.” He scratches the back of his neck before focusing on a small tidepool that sat directly below the both of you.

His statement is enough to now squeeze his shoulder, gently rubbing it to show your support.

“I’m sorry.” You offer quietly.

“It’s not your fault. I don’t think being a problem child fits me very well anymore.”

“You can reinvent yourself here if that sounds alright with you?” You offer and he laughs quietly.

He smirks. “I’ll think about it,” His slightly hopeful tone makes you feel at ease.

Any true affection toward him still feels too foreign, but verbal reassurance is a step you’re willing to take if it means your shared future is relatively peaceful.

—

The trips back and forth to each other’s countries were becoming a blur of wedding planning, being present at each other’s public engagements, and trying to get to know each other. It was becoming such a tedious process that any opportunity to rest was taken without hesitation.

The big plan for the current trip to Arinorin was to have a joint dinner with both of your immediate families.

You waited endlessly, but Soonyoung never showed up for dinner. It was embarrassing trying to subtly figure out where he was by going to the bathroom and frantically texting him. When that didn’t work, calls went unanswered until you were forced to give up and return to the table in defeat. He wasn’t answering and you were left to deal with two confused families on your own, attempting to answer questions that you had no answers to. Dinner eventually proceeded with an unyielding amount of attention on you, but thankfully, the rest of his family seemed to accept you.

Yet, it was ultimately embarrassing to attempt to cover his tracks and defend his actions throughout the night.

Thus, your post-dinner plans were to relax in your room and attempt to forget how wild the night had been. A knock on the door interrupted those plans almost immediately.

You open the door to see one of the guards that have been assigned to you since the arranged marriage proceedings had begun.

“Sorry to bother you, princess. I’ve just received word of a disturbance with the prince downstairs that needs your attention.” His tone was especially solemn, so you didn’t want to leave him waiting for long.

“Alright, I’ll be ready in a minute.” You nod at him and thank your lucky stars that you’ve already changed into more comfortable clothing.

With his assistance, you were soon traveling through the endless halls of the castle to find your fiancé. It wasn’t long before he came into view, sitting on a bench with his legs tucked up to his chest, arms wrapped around the front with his hands clasped tight. He was clearly drunk, sighing to himself before looking up.

“Y/N! Hi!” He exclaims, waving at you wildly.

“Fucking hell,” You exhale under your breath. You’re extremely grateful that he wasn’t out wandering the streets, clearly under careful watch by his guards.

“Can you give us a moment?” You look around at the surrounding guards. They nod curtly and dismiss themselves, retreating to a nearby room where they could still intervene quickly if needed.

You turn your attention back to him once the door closes. “Where were you?”

“I was out with Seungkwannie and, um, Seokmin. It was so much fun,” He laughed brightly, eyes almost disappearing from his smile.

“We were supposed to have dinner with our families. Remember?” You hold onto your curt tone.

He shakes his head immediately. “They didn’t wanna see me, they don’t care about me.”

You were starting to lose your patience. While you understood his hesitation to face his family, it wasn’t an excuse to leave you to navigate so many different dynamics on your own. This was supposed to show your families all of the efforts that had been made thus far, and there were plenty of efforts that were beginning to show naturally.

He had become more affectionate in public, it was less uncomfortable to smile at him and speak with each other kindly. It wasn’t real, obviously not, but unsuspecting eyes wouldn’t have known any better.

You were almost visibly in love.

“How about how I feel, Soonyoung? I had to deal with everyone alone, deal with everything by myself. That was so hard for me, but you just ignored it and got drunk.” Your voice was tight, barely allowing yourself to feel anything besides anger.

“I’m sorry,” He sighs before running through his hair. He’s affected by it, as his posture starts to wilt like a dying plant.

“You should be. That hurt my feelings a lot,” You felt the intended venom of your words dissipate on your tongue until nothing was left.

What was the point in yelling when he wouldn’t remember any of it anyways?

Honestly, you were disappointed in him. You had earnestly tried to connect with him, and it finally felt like he was trying to do the same thing. Yet, he let you down. You didn’t ask for much of him and adjusted your expectations for him at every step of the way, but he couldn’t do it.

He couldn’t be better for you.

“Was being selfish,” His pout seems to get deeper somehow.

“Yeah, you were,” You whisper. You finally take a seat next to him on the bench, taking a deep breath. The silence between the two of you almost felt labored, as if the air held all of the emotions you were both feeling at once.

You shouldn’t be babysitting your fiancé like this, that much was true. If he couldn’t even attend a family dinner, what did that mean for the marriage?

“You don’t have to worry about the wedding. I’ll take care of everything,” You mutter quietly.

“What?” He sits up in surprise.

“I can’t trust you, Soonyoung. You don’t care about this and you clearly don’t care about me, so why would I let you plan any part of this?”

“I can try, just let me try,” He pleads quietly. You can feel the desperation in his tone, but you can’t budge.

“I’ve let you try and this is what happens. I don’t know if this is how you picture our marriage, but if this is it then consider us strangers. I can’t do this, not like this.” You can’t look at him as you stand up.

Your body goes into autopilot as you knock on the door where the guards are stationed, letting them out so you can both separate for the night. You gently request for him to be taken home before starting the journey back to your room, wiping away tears that welled up in your eyes without a second thought.

You hear him calling your name, but what point is there in turning around? You didn’t have the energy for drunk pleas and broken promises anymore.

If you couldn’t stop everything and everyone from falling apart, you could at least try to protect yourself from the wreckage.

—

For the first time, Soonyoung hadn’t been able to stop thinking about you.

It never felt good to be ignored by anyone, but getting ignored by you? It had to be a new kind of pain.

Despite his unbothered facade, he didn’t mind your company at all. He quite enjoyed your little quirks, small things that other people probably wouldn’t notice.

In the chaos of your intertwined schedules, there were moments where he’d just look at you to take in your features for himself, and not anyone else.

He loved seeing how peaceful you looked while you slept during flights or the way your cheeks lifted when you smiled. Since he couldn’t have you to himself often, he could hold solace in the smaller moments.

Admittedly, he had been in love with you for a while now, and he could pinpoint the exact moment when he realized it.

He mentioned to you offhandedly that he’d lost a beloved stuffed tiger toy as a kid, but he’d accepted the loss and attempted to move on. He didn’t think you’d remember the anecdote, much less do anything about it.

Yet, you handed him a silver gift bag while on a flight with him.

When he unwrapped the tissue paper to the sight of the exact make of the tiger he had, his heart momentarily stilled in awe.

“I found the original manufacturer and they still make them. The certain model you had is a collector’s item now, so it took a little while to find but it wasn’t impossible.” You explained everything calmly, your hand propped your head up on the armrest of your seat. You lazily smiled at him as he admired it in his hands.

“This is very kind of you, thank you,” He couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face.

His parents hadn’t thought of trying to replace it for him after all these years, and he surely didn’t expect it from you. The gesture is just so romantic, even if you just wanted to write it off as simply a nice thing to do.

He didn’t cry until he was alone after the day’s activities were finished, realizing just how important it was to him. You were so nice, much nicer than he deserved from his future wife given his standoffish behavior.

There was no reason why he couldn’t confess his true feelings to you at this point. The wedding was fast approaching, sooner than he’d like to admit.

Details about the ceremony were quickly ironed out between your shared staff before he could think twice about asking, and you held to your word that he wasn’t allowed to get involved in wedding planning.

He didn’t remember much from the night you found him drunk, but it was clear that wedding planning was off-limits and you were extremely wary of being alone with him. Thus, he had to make his apology meaningful, and he couldn’t wait until after the wedding. He was determined to mend the relationship before you walked down the aisle.

He started by sending you various bouquets, all carefully chosen by him.

That was a kind gesture, right?

He thought so until he saw you throwing one of the bouquets into a dumpster from afar.

All of his apologetic texts to you were swiftly ignored as well, forcing him to switch gears completely. It was clear that you were subtly hinting at an in-person apology, which was daunting but not impossible for him to do.

He hadn’t been back to your apartment since the night of the Youth Summit Ball, a major oversight on his part. Yet, he figured there was no better time than the present to start taking things more seriously.

He held the bouquet of white and red carnations tightly in his hand, fingers playing gently with the paper wrapping as he sat in his car.

He was optimistic that the rain would hold out until he was hopefully let into your apartment. Yet, he ignored the raindrops periodically hitting his raincoat as he walked up the stairs to your brownstone.

The moment he knocked on the door, it was as if the universe decided to fuck him over. The occasional raindrops turned into a full downpour, and he scrambled to figure out what to do with himself. There wasn’t any awning to hide under, so he attempted to conceal the flowers from the rain, unzipping his jacket enough to sit the damp bouquet on his chest before zipping it up again.

It felt like a lifetime before you opened the door, and the sight of you rendered him speechless.

This was the first time in so long that he was facing his fear of resolving the neverending conflicts in his life.

“Hi.” He smiles despite your unreadable expression.

“Hi,” You were confused, rightfully so. After passive-aggressively sending indirect apologies, he decided to skip everything else and just show up.

“Are you busy?”

“No, but I don’t think I have a choice,” You move to the side so that he can enter your apartment. He takes the cue and makes himself comfortable in the living room.

“These are for you.” He hands the flowers to you, and the hesitancy is clear on your face.

“You aren’t giving up on the flowers, are you?” You ask with a judgmental tone. He doesn’t feel completely deterred when you place them on the dining table instead of throwing them out.

“Well, these are your favorite.”

“This doesn’t bail you out, you know.” You give him a knowing look.

He sighs, steadying his breath before speaking. “I know, and you deserve an apology for everything.” When he notices that you're focusing intently on his words, he feels confident about continuing.

“I know that I’ve made you feel isolated, and I’m truly sorry for that. I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone in this, and I want to make this marriage work. You deserve to marry someone who’s willing to admit their mistakes and grow with you. I’m ready to be that person if you want me.” By the time he finishes, he knows that he was completely honest with you. He’s wanted to be upfront with you for so long, but it wouldn’t have been worth it if he didn’t express himself properly.

You let out a contemplative sigh. He could tell that you didn’t want to reject him, it’s as if your face was processing his statement just as swiftly as your brain.

“As much as I appreciate this, I don’t want to be in a loveless marriage.” You said.

He swallows lightly, but he’s still understanding of your perspective. He knew that he had to lay everything out for you before it was too late.

“Who said it was loveless?” He says.

“What?”

The revelation seems to catch you off guard, but it's not surprising to him. Soonyoung is a happy-go-lucky kind of guy, and this kind of confession feels completely out of his emotional range.

“I love you, and I should've told you sooner. I regret not proving that you could trust me, and you have every right to not have any faith in me.” He walks toward you, internally pleading that the lack of distance will help you change your mind.

“I do have the right,” You mutter under your breath with a chuckle. He lifts your chin slightly with his finger, forcing your eyes to meet his again.

“I will prove to you every day for the rest of my life that I love you.” His eyes are completely sincere, showing that he’s willing to provide the romance that you’ve been grasping for. He can tell that you can’t let him in this easily, he has to earn you completely.

“Every day?” You question him.

“Every single day,” He reiterates. He means it too, his mind was already thinking of dozens of ways that he could start making it up to you.

“That’s pretty tempting, honestly.” You tilt your head in curiosity.

“Anything holding you back?”

“I don’t think so. You just can’t keep coming into my apartment soaking wet anymore,” You scrunch your nose at his appearance and gently tousle his hair, earning a giggle from him.

“That wasn’t planned. It was pretty romantic though, right?” He can’t fight the smile that spreads across his face as he asks.

“A little bit. I forgive you, by the way,” You admit.

He exhales and runs a hand through his hair with shaky confidence. He couldn’t be certain of your decision, so the relief he feels at your words is palpable.

“Does that mean I get to see all the spreadsheets about the wedding now?” He knew he was testing his luck by asking, especially because the process had been under lock and key even before restricting his access to wedding-related documents.

“Yeah, it’ll take some stress off my back. It’s giving me headaches just thinking about everything coming together,” You rub your forehead and close your eyes for a moment before looking back at him.

“You’ve been stressed like this and you haven’t told me?” He frowns.

“I was mad at you, so all my other feelings just kept building up. I’m sorry,” You shake your head, immediately covering your face with your hands. He pries them off just as quickly, pressing a kiss to the palm of your hand.

“It’s okay, love. I am more than willing to help you, I promise,” He nods eagerly with a grin.

“Okay. I like that name, you know,” You finally crack a smile and his own smile widens.

“Figured you would.” He’s leaned closer to your face, but there’s enough space to move away in case you reject him. “Can I kiss you?” He asks gently.

“Please,” You whisper.

It’s all he needs to complete the distance between your lips and the feeling of you is almost overwhelmingly beautiful. He’s so lucky at this moment, feeling your hands push his head deeper into the kiss. He was too cautious last time, but now he’ll never take another kiss of yours for granted, not when it feels this good.

He would do anything to make sure you felt loved and cared for, no matter how long it took to earn your full trust.

—

“I just need a moment alone, if that’s alright?” The question comes out a bit shakier than you imagined, but you can’t seem to quiet your nerves. Your wedding day has already taken you on an emotional rollercoaster despite not going down the aisle yet.

As you view yourself in the gown that you meticulously picked out along with the detailed hair and makeup that took hours to complete, nothing looks out of place.

Yet, your heart feels unanchored.

Your relationship with Soonyoung was getting better every day, but it seems like it was all going a little too well. Even though your relationship was transforming from a state of emergency into a promising romance, it was all catching up to you at the moment. Your mutual efforts to improve your relationship had been fruitful, giving you both the confidence to get married without feeling insecure.

You wouldn’t regret it, right? You needed to be certain that you wouldn’t.

“Of course, Princess.” Your head staff member agrees without question before exiting the room along with a few team members who were assisting you for the past few hours.

Your brain can only think of him. The tradition of spending the night before the wedding apart from each other felt more like torture than anything else, as you’ve come to appreciate his comforting presence next to you. In the last few weeks leading up to the wedding, he’s made such a genuine effort to intertwine your lives together that spending time apart felt futile.

A knock on the door breaks you out of your trance. Before you can ask who’s there, Soonyoung’s voice fills the silence.

“Is it a bad time?” His voice makes your heart flutter before you can even look at him.

“You can’t see me before the wedding, it’s bad luck,” You attempt to fight the smile on your face but you don’t allow yourself to look at him.

“Even if my bride has cold feet?” He presses on, his footsteps quietly approaching you.

You turn to reveal yourself to him and his face lights up.

“They’re not cold, they’re lukewarm,” You smile coyly at him. He grabs your hands and scans your body with wondrous eyes, his gaze seeming to land on every detail of the dress before meeting your eyes again.

“You look so,” His voice trails off. You’re sure that you can read his mind, he’s practically grinning from ear to ear. It makes you feel a bit shy, you can feel your cheeks heat up from his complimentary words.

“You’re really inflating my ego here,” You shake your head gently, but the feeling of his hand grazing your cheek pulls your gaze to him. Despite your best efforts, it’s still hard to fight the inner voice that tells you that he doesn’t mean it, that he’s only saying it because it’s something you want to hear.

Yet, his responses are just unflinchingly earnest that it makes you wonder why you ever felt that way in the first place.

“You just look so stunning,” His voice begins to shake before he clears his throat, “I just can’t believe that you’re mine.”

You were certain that you’d never seen that much sincerity in his eyes up until now, but it started to quiet the lingering fears that still sat in the pit of your stomach. He was absolutely smitten with you, to the point where his smile didn’t go away while you were talking to him.

“You can’t cry yet, you have to save it for the cameras.” You chuckle in an effort to push away his tears, but his eyes were still glossy.

“I can’t help it. You’ve worked really hard on all of this and it’s coming together so well,” He sighs with content. Honestly, you needed to hear that it was all worth it, especially from him. Although he’d been offering reassurance more often than not, the sentiment felt different knowing that you were minutes away from getting married.

“I wanna kiss you so badly, but I can’t fuck up my makeup.” You pout. He instinctively places his hands on your shoulders, moving them up and down to make you feel grounded with his touch.

“We can kiss, you know. There are no rules to any of this.” He attempts to get you out of your tradition-focused mindset with a low tone. You do want to indulge him though, considering that this was the first time you'd been alone with him all morning.

“Just go below the mouth.” You nod and he smirks, immediately placing his lips on your jaw to see how you’d react. It pulls a soft moan from your throat, and your reaction encourages him to go down your neck, leaving kisses wherever his lips can find skin. You started to let go of the responsibilities lingering over your head and focus on your fiance’s tongue leaving open-mouth kisses on your cleavage.

He’s practically doing everything but undressing you and his eagerness makes it harder to pull away, but you have to.

“Babe,” You whisper.

“Hmm?”

“Later,” You have to hold onto your resolve or else you’ll give in, and you can’t let your first time be in a dressing room.

“Later?” His eyes perk up like an excited puppy. The implication of the consummation of your marriage feels daring, it will serve as the reward after dealing with the decadent fanfare of the day.

“Yes, later. I promise.” You nod and he somehow looks even happier than before he walked in. He focuses on your lips but leaves a kiss on your cheek instead.

“I’ll see you out there, okay?” He presses one last kiss to your palm before heading towards the door.

“Okay,” You wave him off and watch him disappear with a smile on your face.

It’s clear that you don’t have anything to worry about.

—

“You’re sure that you don’t wanna come in with me?” Soonyoung calls from the pool.

“Yeah,” You nod with a hand placed above your eyes, acting as a sun visor since you couldn’t find a hat to put on.

You were two days into your honeymoon, tucked away at a small island resort that mostly isolated you from the outside world.

The wedding had thankfully gone far better than you could have imagined. He stopped you multiple times throughout the reception to tell you how beautiful it was, how happy he was to be in the moment with you, and how well you planned it all. It was a day that felt sun-soaked, enveloped in a love that was starting to soften and lose the sharp edges that had restrained it before.

Despite all of the kind attention from family and friends throughout the day, it was evened out with the constant presence of staff and castle officials that made it all a bit overwhelming.

Thankfully, the honeymoon began the next day and you’d have to force all responsibilities out of your head for the next week.

“You’re thinking about something, probably too many things,” He assumes correctly.

You scoff and turn away for a moment before facing him again. “You can’t be this good at analyzing me, we’ve only been married for less than a week.”

He laughs before swimming closer to the edge of the pool to meet you. “That’s my job, angel.”

“But you’re right, I am thinking too much about you moving in and all the press stuff we have to do,” You’re rubbing at your temples just thinking about how much effort it’s all going to take.

“Hey, look at me.” He calls out softly. You reluctantly place your hands at your sides, trying to take in his words.

“You’ll have plenty of time to worry about this, but this is the only time you’ll be on your honeymoon. Hopefully,” He shows his teeth and it succeeds in making you laugh. He smiles back at you before continuing.

“So maybe we can swim together if you’d like?” He tries again, knowing you’ll say yes. You take one last sigh and nod.

“Yeah, just give me a second.” You take your coverup off to reveal a solid black bikini he hadn’t seen yet. You discard the coverup on a nearby chair before turning to face him.

He eyes you for a moment before you clear your throat. “Slow down, loverboy, we’re supposed to be swimming!”

“Just admiring how beautiful my wife is, that’s all,” He bites back a smile but ultimately lets it show. You walk down the pool stairs until you’re swimming next to him. He only stares at you for a second before pulling you in for a kiss.

You’re caught off guard, letting out a small squeak when his tongue slides into your mouth but you give in to the feeling soon enough. You let your fingers card through the back of his hair, pushing yourself further into the kiss. You feel his hands wander across your ass and you let out a moan.

“Just wanted me in here so you could fuck me?” You whisper, finally pulling away from the kiss to catch your breath.

“You caught me,” He whispers back and proceeds to kiss down your neck, not hesitating to leave marks that force moans out of your throat.

“For fuck’s sake,” You sigh. You didn’t need to have control right now, you didn’t want it when he was making you feel this good just by kissing you. You thank your lucky stars that the vacation house is somewhat isolated because you can’t pretend to hold back the noises you’re making.

He picks up on this and presses his erection against your thigh, causing you to hold your breath. “Where do you want me, sweetheart?” He asks quietly. Your train of thought can’t even start because he’s staring right at you, brushing his thumb against your lip.

“Chairs,” You mutter. He bites his lip and turns to look at the unoccupied beach chairs lined up near the sliding glass door that leads back into the house.

“Okay,” He nods. He leads you back to the pool stairs before taking your hand and helping you out of the water. You both don’t think about drying off before he sits you down onto the chair, pulling off your bikini bottom without a second thought. You watch him with spread legs, taking in the sight of his glistening chest and abs. He seemed just as eager as you, taking off his swim trunks in the blink of an eye. The sight of his cock makes your head spin, so you force yourself to make eye contact with him.

“Are you okay, baby?” He asks earnestly. He must not know how hot he is because you’re rendered speechless. His freshly dyed black hair is slightly spiky, and it doesn’t help when he runs his hand through it. It all just goes to your clit, and you’re certain that the pressure will make you explode.

“Yeah, I’m good,” You force your mouth into a smile to replace the incredulous look on your face. He nods and settles into the space between your legs, quickly spreading hands across your thighs.

“Have I told you how pretty you look today?” His eyes are practically dripping with lust, but you want to let him know that the feeling is mutual.

“Yeah, maybe for the 100th time today, but you look even prettier,” Your compliment comes out a bit shy, but it still makes his eyes light up.

“I don’t think that’s possible,” He lets his thumb graze your clit and you whimper. He lingers there for a few more moments before dragging two fingers down your entrance. He ponders for a moment before pushing inside, and the new sensation makes you cry out. The angled position of the chair makes his movements feel even more powerful, and his fingers gliding against your tight walls already have you in shambles.

“It’s not possible because you’re the prettiest person in the world, and I get all your cute noises to myself, right?” His question makes the coil in your stomach harder to ignore.

“Yeah,” You moan. He leans in for a kiss, capturing your lips easily while thrusting his fingers even deeper. How does he know your body like this? Sure, you’ve made out a few times but he's never touched you like this before.

Maybe it’s the anticipation that’s causing him to show out like this, he’s trying to impress you because of how long you’ve had to wait for this. You let your arms drape behind his neck for a moment before clutching onto his back.

You hear him moan from the scratches you leave on the expanse of his back, you savor the noises as they start to blend in with your moans.

“Gonna cum,” You breathe into his ear. He can tell how tense you are around him, and your eyes are becoming frantic from the impending pleasure.

“Just relax baby, take a deep breath, and let go for me. I know you can do it,” His encouragement lets you cum immediately, arching your back off the chair with a soft grunt escaping your lips. Your orgasm washes over you all at once and his fingers only slow down a bit, allowing you to feel every single bit of pleasure that he could pull out of you.

You take a few deep breaths and focus on his eyes once again. You start to register his face again as he strokes your cheek. “Are you ok? Are you up for more?” He asks hesitantly.

“Yeah, I just didn’t think you’d get me like this so early, that’s all.” You cover your eyes with your hands for a moment before looking at him again. He has you so shy that you can barely look at him. It’s hard to admit to yourself that you haven’t cum like that in a very long time, but if he’s making you feel like this so early on into the marriage, you don’t think you’ll ever be disappointed.

“Well, that’s good. I just wanna take care of you,” He reassures you sweetly. His eyes are so full of love that it makes your heart pound, swallowing in anticipation.

He meant it when he said he’d take care of you, he had barely let you do anything for yourself since you arrived at the vacation house. It was so adorable that you didn’t have the heart to stop him. It was nice to let him live up to his promise of showing his love for you instead of constantly feeling distrustful of his actions.

Of course, there would eventually be moments where you’d disagree or argue with each other, but it wouldn’t be out of spite like before. You’re lost in thought until he presses a kiss to your cheek.

“Where’d you go, pretty?” He whispers, his face now a few inches away from yours. It somehow makes you even more flustered than before.

“Just thinking about how much I love you,” You admit with a smile. His eyes widen at the confession and you burst into a fit of giggles.

“You love me?” He asks in surprise.

“I love you.” You state it confidently. You mean it too, and it feels so easy to express it to him. You knew you loved him since the wedding, he cried at the sight of you walking down the aisle and it helped you realize his sincerity. He seems to let the words settle into the air before giving you a response.

“I love you too. It feels good to say that,” He laughs at his own confession. With a mutual confession out in the open, the air somehow feels lighter.

“Can I show you how much I love you by fucking you properly?” He asks. You can only laugh and nod your head at how sweet it is.

“Not out here though. I need you in bed right now!” He exclaims, sweeping you up into a bridal style hold. You let out a scream before bursting into laughter, you can only let yourself get carried back into the house without protest.

----

“Fuck, right there, please,” You whimper, eyes screwed shut. The feeling of his cock stuffed inside you was indescribably good, it was nearly enough to make you cry. Once he got you on the bed, he wasted no time filling you up and easily pulled moans out of your throat.

He pressed your legs up to your chest, making sure that he was completely inside of you. You quickly learned that your husband had incredible stamina, and you were definitely gonna cum again sooner rather than later.

“You’re so good for me, my love. You don’t know how many times I’ve thought of having you like this,” He whispers in your ear. The sound of his balls slapping against your skin brought something primal out of you, you just want to suck him inside of your walls even deeper. You were barely holding on, but he kept pushing you even closer to the edge.

He leaned down to leave marks in the crook of your neck, leaving a hand free to fondle your breast. It was as if he combined every possible move just to drive you insane and it was working.

“Gonna cum for me, sweetheart?” His voice is laced with something even deeper than lust, it almost felt demonic the way he asked you.

“Yes, please let me cum, please,” The words spilled out of your mouth, your voice was shaking along with your body. He was practically rocking you back and forth with the impact of his cock, hitting that particular spot deeper every time.

“Go on, then. Cum for daddy,” He grants you permission. The nickname makes you flood his cock, screaming again as your orgasm takes over you. He pulls out in time for you to squirt on his cock, leaving you even more surprised than before.

“Holy shit,” You whimper. He looks so pleased with himself, but also shocked that he was able to push you that far.

He lets you both recover for a few minutes, but you know he hasn’t cum yet. “I’m kinda close, baby, is it alright if I-?” He asks, but you don’t let him finish.

“Of course. I already miss your cock, to be honest,” You let yourself smile and his eyes are already blown wide by your response.

“You’re insane, you know that?”

“You made me like this,” You hit his arm playfully. He slides his cock into you again slowly and he watches your mouth fall open slightly at the sensation.

“I did,” He smirks at you, relishing the sight of how fucked out you look just from him staying still.

He picks up the pace, trying to focus on getting himself there. It didn’t seem like it’d take much just from how intensely he looked at you.

“Gonna let me cum inside you, baby? Should I get you pregnant like this?” His questions felt sinful in your ears, but you were too gone to care. You felt pressure building just from that, and the thought of him breeding you felt exciting.

“Yes, please, I want it,” You whine. He felt so deep that you could feel it from your head to your toes. Every single part of you felt overwhelmed by his cock and his relentless pace.

“Good girl, daddy wants to fuck you like this all the time,” He moves to kiss you sloppily, but it still feels heavenly to have him in your mouth. It wasn’t much longer before you felt his body tense beneath you.

“Are you close?” You ask breathily.

“Yeah,” He grunts. He grabs your hips and fucks into you even harder than you remember, the pain radiating from your thighs forces a tear out of your eye but you know it’s helping. He doesn’t warn you before he cums, and the sudden warmth inside of you makes you moan louder than you expect. He finally falls beside you and lets you both recover for a few minutes in silence. You could easily fall asleep like this, both of you laying haphazardly under the covers while his breathing steadies your own.

“Y/N?” He calls your name and it startles you. You struggle to keep your eyes open at the sound of his voice.

“Oh no, I scared you,” His voice is much quieter than before, lulling you back into a state of calmness.

“No, I’m okay, I promise,” You turn to face him, rubbing your eyes gently.

“Ok good. We’ve gotta clean up now, alright?” He softens the blow of the question by kissing your forehead. It still feels foreign to let him take care of you, but when you see how gentle he is, you don’t feel the urge to take control.

It’s enough to watch him go through your suitcase, observing how his eyebrows furrow while trying to decide what shirt you might want to wear.

You decided that he didn’t have to prove anything else to you, ultimately, you could see how pure his heart was, and it would be doing both of you a disservice to let assumptions of character control the course of your relationship.

You’re attentive enough to follow his cues while he’s dressing you or helping you up to the bathroom, but your mind is consumed by him.

“Doing okay, love?” His question pulls your head toward him. You adjust your posture in bed as he approaches you, climbing into the bed beside you.

“Better now that you’re back,” You hum lowly, leaning your head onto his shoulder. You take a deep breath, taking in the feeling of his skin against yours.

His body vibrates as he chuckles. “I’m glad you’re alright. I was thinking about something while we were in the bathroom,” He leans into your touch slightly, enough to make your eyes flutter shut.

“What’s up?” You accept his inquiry.

“I think we should take the kids here one day when they’re old enough,” He explains it as if it’s fate, and you can’t help but smile at the thought of him being certain that your shared future is meant to expand in so many different ways. You can’t picture yourself being pregnant for a long while, but the idea of building a family with him feels right to think about.

“We’ve fucked once and you’re thinking about our kids,” You tease him in a lighthearted tone, but you hear his nervous laughter.

“It’s just a thought,” He waves his hand gently.

“It’s a very nice thought, you’re really sweet,” You finally raise your head to look at him. You let your hand caress his cheek before kissing him gently. He accepts you immediately, and you let yourself linger on his lips for a few moments before pulling away to look at him.

He searches your eyes, focused on figuring out what you’re meant to tell him. You can’t think of anything profound to tell him, any extravagant sentimentalities you might’ve conjured up don’t make their way out onto your lips.

“I love you,” You whisper. Your feelings are buried too deep to let them all out now, but it’s enough to tell him this. You feel the pressure in your chest lessen the moment he smiles back at you.

“I love you so much,” He mumbles the words against your lips before kissing you, love seemed to radiate from his lips the way he was holding you against him. The day unfolded into the evening, time passing languidly as you were enamored with each other.

As you fell asleep with him holding onto your waist, you realized that sweetness had made its way into your life before your very eyes. The limitless potential between the two of you no longer strikes fear into your heart, but instead sustains you in new ways.

There would be time to flesh out the dynamics of your relationship, determining how you’d show up for each other in loud and unspoken ways, but the present feeling of safety that sat in your chest was enough.

Neither of you was perfect, but the act of showing up and being willing to grow with each other was enough.

You are both trying, and that is more than enough.

[pierrotdoesnteat]

NUTRITION JOURNALS: VITAMINS (PT 1/2)

HOW MANY VITAMINS ARE THERE?

- there are thirteen (13) essential vitamins; vitamin A, vitamin B6, vitamin B12, vitamin C, vitamin D, vitamin E, vitamin K, thiamine (B1), riboflavin (B2), niacin (B3), pathogenic acid (B5), biotin (B7), and folate (B9). these are the ones i'll focus on in this past, and it will be a longer post.

WHAT IS VITAMIN A?

- vitamin A is a fat-soluble vitamin that supports your immune system, vision, reproductive health, and fetal growth. there are two forms of vitamin A; preformed vitamin A which are found in things like dairy, liver, and fish, and provitamin A carotenoids which can be found in fruits, vegetables, and oils. - The recommended daily amount of vitamin A is 900 micrograms (mcg) for adult men and 700 mcg for adult women.

WHAT IS VITAMIN B6?

- vitamin B6 (pyridoxine) is important for normal brain development and for keeping the nervous system and immune system healthy. Food sources of vitamin B6 include poultry, fish, potatoes, chickpeas, bananas and fortified cereals. - vitamin B6 has been shown to have antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties, and helps your body to make DNA, hemoglobin, and neurotransmitters. - in addition to low iron, low vitamin B6 has been linked to anemia, which i dont imagine i need to tell yall is incredibly common in disordered people. - because B6 is connected to neurotransmitters, it can help regulate mood and even aid sleep. One study showed that higher vitamin B6 intake is associated with lower depression and anxiety risk in females, but not males. - vitamin B6 also helps your body maintain normal levels of homocysteine, an amino acid that helps to build proteins. - vitamin B6 supplementation specifically has been shown to improve body composition – your ratio of lean muscle to fat. it has also been linked with higher muscle mass and lower body fat levels. in particular, vitamin B6 supplementation has been linked to lower-body weight loss, with a reduced amount of fat across the hips and waist.

WHAT IS VITAMIN B12?

- vitamin B-12 (cobalamin) plays an essential role in red blood cell formation, cell metabolism, nerve function and the production of DNA, the molecules inside cells that carry genetic information. - sources of vitamin B-12 include poultry, meat, fish and dairy products. Vitamin B-12 is also added to some foods, such as fortified breakfast cereals, and is available as an oral supplement. - some studies suggest that vitamin B12 could affect body fat and metabolism. one review concluded that vitamin B12 plays a key role in fat metabolism, noting that a deficiency could be linked to increased fat accumulation and obesity. take this with a grain of salt, though, because there is limited research on the topic. - vitamin B12 plays a role in serotonin production, so a deficiency may be connected with clinical depression. this may feel irrelevant, but your physical and mental health are really complexly connected. taking care of one can help improve the other.

WHAT IS VITAMIN C?

- vitamin C (ascorbic acid) is a nutrient your body needs to form blood vessels, cartilage, muscle and collagen in bones. vitamin C is also vital to your body's healing process. additionally, it is an antioxidant that helps protect your cells against the effects of free radicals- molecules produced when your body breaks down food or is exposed to tobacco smoke and radiation from the sun, x-rays or other sources. - vitamin C is found in citrus fruits, berries, potatoes, tomatoes, peppers, cabbage, brussel sprouts, broccoli and spinach. - vitamin C helps your body to absorb iron in foods like beans and spinach, who's bio-availability is lower. - although vitamin C doesn't necessarily cause weight loss, it seems to be related to body weight. getting sufficient amounts of vitamin C increases body fat oxidation during moderate-intensity exercise. - another critical function of vitamin C is synthesizing carnitine, which transports long-chain fatty acids into the mitochondria that produce energy.

WHAT IS VITAMIN D?

- there are different forms of vitamin D, including ergocalciferol (vitamin D2) and cholecalciferol (vitamin D3). vitamin D is found in fish, eggs, and fortified milk. It's also made in the skin when exposed to sunlight. during periods of sunlight, vitamin D is stored in fat and then released when sunlight is not available. - your body can only absorb calcium, the primary component of bone, when vitamin D is present. Vitamin D also regulates many other cellular functions in your body. Its anti-inflammatory, antioxidant and neuro-protective properties support immune health, muscle function and brain cell activity. - vitamin D might play an important role in regulating mood and decreasing the risk of depression, and some studies suggest there may be a link between vitamin D and obesity, though more research is needed to verify this.

WHAT IS VITAMIN E?

- vitamin E is a nutrient that's important to vision, reproduction, and the health of your blood, brain and skin. vitamin E deficiency can cause nerve pain (neuropathy). - foods rich in vitamin E include canola oil, olive oil, margarine, almonds and peanuts. You can also get vitamin E from meats, dairy, leafy greens and fortified cereals. - getting enough vitamin E may help prevent oxidative stress and cellular damage. oxidative stress occurs when there’s an imbalance between your body’s antioxidant defenses and the production and accumulation of compounds called reactive oxygen species (ROS). this can lead to cellular damage and increased disease risk.

WHAT IS VITAMIN K?

- vitamin K is actually a group of compounds, with the most important ones being vitamin K1 and vitamin K2. vitamin K1 is obtained from leafy greens and some other vegetables. vitamin K2 is a group of compounds largely obtained from meats, cheeses, and eggs and synthesized by bacteria. - vitamin K's key role is to help heal injuries through blood clotting and strengthen bones by making four proteins among the 13 that are needed for blood clotting (coagulation) and osteocalcin.

[myangelhaven]

These are my recommendations of BANGCHAN fics! It will be updated once in a while for new stories I have read. Hopefully the links work (lemme know if it doesn't)

Credits to the authors!! All information written is taken from the authors' post and has not been modified. Reminder that some fics are NOT for minors, so please read the key and avoid 18+ contents.

HAPPY READING!!

KEY

[❀]: fluff [𖦹]: humour [𖤓]: angst [☄]: sad [☾]:smut [⟡]:smau [✮]: my favs

˖⁺‧₊˚ ˚₊‧⁺˖✮----------BANGCHAN-----------✮˖⁺‧₊˚ ˚₊‧⁺˖

LONG FICS

overtime by @hanjisungs-bigtittyg0thgf [❀][𖤓][☾][bossau] 5.5k

You work as bang chan's personal assistant. with a comeback on the horizon, he tells you needs you to pull some serious overtime.

Ghostface by @bruh-changbin [𖤓][☾][✮] 6.2k

Southside Nocturne by @cb97percent [❀][☾][fwb] 6.3k

You and Chris have been friends with benefits for quite a while now, but it's irony galore when his most outrageous request to date makes you both realize you want something more. the kiss becomes rushed and messy the way two lovers dance carelessly under the rain, your arms wrapping around his neck and hands tugging on his hair.

Love me, love me not by @scxrlettwxtches [❀][𖤓] 6.5k

when chan rejected you, you never expected that it would become the catalyst for your love story, rather than the end of it. but, life and a few welcome matchmakers have a way of playing with fate.

Connected by @j-0ne25 [❀][𖤓][☾][mutual pining][bffs to lovers] 6.8k

What happens when your best friend asks you to review his nudes? You help him, of course, while being busy ignoring how the pictures make your heart race, how they are intended for someone else and how much you are actually in love with him

From grace by @changbeanie [❀][𖤓][☄][demonau] 7.1k

He was a fallen, a follower of Lucifer, a creature of deception. All that aside, what if the darkness was not as one-dimensional as you perceived it to be?

Touch by @fizzydrink698 [☾][werewolf au][frenemies to lovers] 7.2k

Then, he finally notices the first-aid kit in your hand, and he changes.

The corners of his lips turn up, twisting into a smirk. He raises his chin, one eyebrow arching at the sight of you. It’s a smug, quietly dangerous look from Chan that you’ve never seen before. One that sets your nerves on edge, has the hairs on the back of your neck standing up.

“Why?” Chan asks, and his hand drifts up to undo his top button. “Are you here to play nurse?”

More Than Just Friends by @kwanisms [❀][☾][werewolfau][bff2l][roommatesau] 7.4k NEW

Chris is a werewolf. His best friend is well aware of this. But what she doesn’t know is that during his heat, he often pictures pinning her down and breeding her. When she comes back home the day before his cycle is due to start, Chris finds it hard to not give into his urges when he smells she’s ovulating.

Unexpectedly Fallen by @iridescentxstars [❀][☾] 7.8k

sometimes you don't expect to find comfort in someone but sometimes life has another thing in store for you

Hate the club by @charmercharm3r [𖤓][☾][exes] 7.8k

Seeing your ex at the club is one thing, letting him take you home after he broke your heart is another.

Overdue book by @ch4nb4ng [❀][☾][librarian] 7.8k

You liked to read a couple of naughty books here and there. But when one librarian gives you his books recommendation, and you lose it, you must be punished

Waiting for us by @j-0ne25 [❀][☾][✮][mutual pining] 7.9k

A ruined Friday night—after randomly getting ghosted by the guy you went on a date with—gets a little more bearable with your closest friends around you. For some reason, Chan is a little more clingy today and you blame it on the tension that’s been between the both of you for some time now, when you start flirting with his roommate instead to get a reaction out of your best friend.

Bubblegum by @cb97percent [𖤓][☾][✮][situationship][3some] w/ LeeKnow 8.3k

Minho constantly being in love with himself in the group chat frustrates the shit out of you, and you desperately want to teach him a lesson. Meanwhile, Chris has other plans in mind.

Promise this by @changbeanie [❀][𖤓][arrangedmarriage] 8.7k

Can I learn to love you

Secret secret by @j-0ne25 [❀][𖤓][☾][✮][f2l][pining][rockstarchan] 9.3k

In order to get rid off the ridiculous crush you have on your best friend Chan, you decide to project all those feelings on an unreachable celebrity, rockstar CB97, instead to protect your stupid heart. But little do you know that these two guys might be closer than expected. When you get invited by 3RACHA’s company to edit their newest music video, suspicions finally pop up in your head.

Marital duties by @ch4nb4ng [❀][☾][✮][established relationship][marriedau] 9.4k

Having a job that meant traveling and spending time away from your husband made the absence grow much fonder for you and your needs, as well as your husband's

stations and destinations by @sulfurcosmos [❀][𖤓][☄][✮][chf2l] 9.8k

when did love start feeling like a crime?

let me in your ocean, swim by @skzms [❀][𖤓][☾][coworker2l] 9.9k

“Chan, you’re an idiot,” Changbin sighs and Chan whips around.

“What did I do now?!” he asks, trying to give his voice a joking edge but failing miserably.

“She’s so into you, and you don’t even see it,” Changbin states grandly, like it’s the most glaringly obvious thing in the world. Jisung huffs out a giggle next to him, but nods.

-> In which Chan is a little self-conscious and a lot clueless, Changbin is his therapist and his wingman, and you get really sick of waiting for Chan to get his shit together.

bad idea! by @hyunsvngs [☾][stepdadau] 10.2k NEW

you're home for the holidays, and your mother - who you can't stand - has a new, young, hot boyfriend. it's such a good idea trying to seduce him.. Right?

Really F**king Like You by @jl-micasea-fics [𖤓][☾][strangers to lovers] 10.7k

Tinder matched and subsequently ghosted by the hot guy that lives across from you, you’re mostly resigned to singleton life, dejected and somewhat fed up. That is, until a screwed up delivery turns things around, in the most unexpected of ways.

Falling rain by @staytheword [❀][𖤓][☾][☄][f2l][postbreakup] 11.1k

You fell out of love. It happens. All you need is time to piece yourself back together. But as you and your friends meet for a movie night, you don’t expect your ex to be there - yet he is, and it looks like he’s doing much better than you do. Luckily, your friends are there for you - especially Chan.

Perilous Desires by @iridescentxstars [𖤓][☾][✮][slowburn][asylumau][psycho][dark themes][don't read if uncomfortable] 11.8k

getting made to work the night shift, you're assigned to the ward the dealt with the more... demented of the patients. the ones who are a danger to society. except for him - or so you think

Parasitic by @luvknow [❀][✮][e2l] 11.8k

your roommate is going abroad for the semester and now you’re forced to share your apartment with bang chan, who you basically lived with for the past semester except he didn’t pay rent, he ate all of your food, and crashed on your couch after a long night out. you were going to do everything in your power to avoid him until your roommate comes back. that doesn’t work out so well.

Kiwi by @j-0ne25 [❀][𖤓][☾][✮][mutual pining][childhood friends-enemies-lovers][travelau][onebedtrope] 12k

After graduating from college, you decide to travel around New Zealand and celebrate your freedom. But when you buy a van for the journey, the salesman scams you, selling the exact same car to both you and another person who’s no other than your childhood best friend you haven’t seen in years—and still have a huge crush on…

Between the Lines by @straylightdream [𖤓][☾][✮][arranged marriage] 12.5k

After being used a nothing more then a pawn to gain the upper hand on Chan. They’re left in a strained marriage and only one way out.

The chance of love by @maatryoshkaa [❀][𖤓][slowburn][e2l][tutorau] 13.8k

Red pen, empty classrooms, and an overheard phone call: The one where you’re determined to find one flaw about your seemingly picture-perfect class president, and he’s determined to make sure you pass the class—no matter how hard you’re trying to fail.

Priceless by @chaoticminhos [❀][𖤓][e2l] 14.3k

priceless; adjective; so precious that its value cannot be determined

Amethyst by @pucchinpurinracha [❀][☾][✮][camreader] 15.4k

you reigned queen in your carefully constructed world - a double life hidden from your friend and roommate, chan. but the universe had its way of throwing surprising curveballs at you and in a series of hilarious events, the secrets behind amethyst and arpeggio were laid bare.

Outta my Head by @straylightdream [☾][𖤓][✮][slowburn] 17k

He’s a lives next door and is someone who sleeps around often. You’re a nurse who is struggling to get enough sleep because of his night time activities

Enemies-to-lovers by @taelme [✮][slowburn] 21k

request: Hey! Can i request and enemies to lovers slow burn with bang chan where they dont like each other but theres undeniable chemistry

⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄more to come!⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄

☆--------Chan's masterlist || skz masterlist---------☆

[lunarlianna]

Planets in the 12th house

The Twelfth House, often known as the House of the Unconscious, dives into the realm of the unseen. It's where our sorrows, hidden strengths, and shadows reside. This house prompts us to review our past, confront our hidden fears, and reckon with our successes and failures. It's a journey within to make sense of our lives, even when pain and secrets are involved. This house is like the final chapter of the zodiac wheel, focusing on endings, surrender, and the subconscious. It's ruled by Pisces and Neptune, which connect us to dreams and deeper understanding. Prominent placements in the 12th House indicate receptivity to shadow work and transformation.

The Sun: in the twelfth house, a sense of vitality and self-expression may feel diffused, stemming from a disconnect with the father during childhood. This could be due to absence or preoccupation. Overcoming self-pity, you emerge stronger and more independent, developing hidden talents. While seeking meaning in the universal and embracing solitude, be cautious not to lose boundaries or succumb to self-blame. Channel your dreamy nature into compassionate self-sufficiency, balancing solitude and connection.

The Moon: in the 12th House suggests roles behind the scenes, potentially in institutions or aiding the less fortunate. Guard against overwhelming sensitivities. Hidden burdens and secret challenges may arise, but through them, you find lessons in serving others. Seek a vocation with minimal public exposure to nurture your empathic nature. Embrace solitude and spiritual practices for emotional well-being.

Mercury: in the 12th House signifies an intuitive and perceptive mind, drawn to the metaphysical. You absorb knowledge intuitively, often grasping deeper meanings. Secretive and attuned to non-verbal cues, you may face hidden adversaries or self-doubt. Be cautious of fraying nerves; prioritize self-care. While learning might be a challenge, explore visual and alternative methods to enhance your unique learning style.

Venus: in the 12th House suggests a love for solitude and hidden pleasures, possibly leading to secretive or clandestine relationships. Compassion and service drive you, yet self-indulgence poses a risk. Inner feelings remain guarded, but your interest in the deeper meaning of life shines. Be cautious not to idealize relationships, staying grounded in reality while embracing your empathic nature.

Mars: in the 12th House signifies a preference for solitude and hidden joys, which can lead to secretive relationships. Balancing compassion and self-care are key, as you're prone to idealizing. Your deep interest in life's meaning shines, but guard against getting lost in imagination. Cultivate boundaries to boost confidence and channel your whimsy constructively.

Jupiter: in the 12th House radiates philanthropy and faith in a brighter future. You're a compassionate helper, drawn to aiding the vulnerable. Potential for success arises quietly later in life. Guard against unrealistic notions, ensuring thorough consideration before action. Your faith-driven spirit has the power to achieve, but remember to balance it with practicality and self-care.

Saturn: in the 12th House nurtures inner discipline and sensitivity. Fears and doubts may cloud confidence, rooted in a sense of karma. Solitude appeals, yet serving humanity beckons. Unveil subconscious fears to avoid health issues. Embrace self-forgiveness and release guilt for a brighter path. Your strength can mend wounds, bringing light to the shadows.

Uranus: in the 12th House hushes its crusader spirit, causing a sense of restraint and parental influence. A yearning to disrupt norms remains, but doubts linger. Adulthood frees them, yet uncertainty persists. Navigating established channels for change suits them, as does artistic expression. Their gentle push for righteousness blends compassion with transformation. Embrace kindred spirits for a fulfilling journey.

Neptune: In the realm of a twelfth-house Neptune, daydreams blur with reality, sparking confusion but also profound empathy. These individuals possess a unique sensitivity that few comprehend. They embrace flexibility and compassion, often misunderstood as weakness. Yet, their strength lies in aiding those in crisis. Struggling with societal judgments, they may seek solace in solitude or artistry, where pain transforms into creative brilliance. Amid their inner journey, a call to higher purpose beckons, urging them to serve and forgive, finding solace in unity and compassion.

Pluto: in the twelfth house sparks a relentless quest for truth and transformation. Solitude aids introspection and drives compassionate service to the marginalized. Childhood powerlessness fuels your keen understanding of hidden power dynamics, enabling discreet influence. Channel this into positive change, guarding against unconscious resentment. Empathy guides your potential for impactful transformation.

[ebonic]

🇵🇸 ‼️Hello, please share widely, Mohamed, family and children. I hope you are well. My name is Mohamed Atallah. I urgently need surgery on my left hand and to rebuild my home and my older sister Eman's home. I live with my parents, six sisters, a little girl named Malak and a little boy named Amir in northern Gaza. I created this link to fund a bone graft on my left hand that was hit by an explosive bullet, to rebuild our destroyed home and evacuate my family from Gaza to a safe place. And donate any amount for a safe life.. I would appreciate your help ❤️ Can you help in any way you can? Click on all the buttons on my wall, I beg you to visit my page, view it and donate via the link in my bio 💔 Donate and share widely 🆘🆘 Every euro makes a difference 🙏 I urge you to donate. Even the smallest amount can make a big difference. He doesn't just need to be evacuated with his family, he is in dire need of surgery! The IDF shot him in the arm with an explosive bullet. This is not normal. It's explosive. So he needs treatment immediately! Otherwise, he will get an infection and possibly amputate. We don't want that to happen, do we? So contribute! Make sure to retweet and share his story if you can't. Help my family. War is devastating. There is nothing left to live for. No schools, no universities, no home, no dreams. All dreams are shattered. I hope you can help before it's too late. @90-ghost has reviewed Mohammad's ID documents and messaged him too. Please share and contribute if you can. Feel free to repost on other platforms as well.🍉

https://gofund.me/2258572c

Their wife's brother, Muhammad, was going to bring aid from the Nabulsi roundabout.But he was shot in his left hand by an explosive bullet, which cause a nerve loss and bone fragmentation. He needs a bone graft outside Gaza, but the situation is difficult for the family. Their house was completely destroyed, and Muhammad's father is also sick and needs constant medical care. The family is focusing to take care for Muhammad, as he will need many operations to restore his hand to what it was, and is also rebuilding their destroyed home.

Please spread this or donate !

[destinygoldenstar]

The Amazing Digital Circus Episode 3 - "As Iron Sharpens Iron-"

To say I was excited for this Episode to come out is an UNDERSTATEMENT.

Ever since Episode 2 PROVED it to me that this show was going to be something very special to me, I've been very invested and eagerly waiting the next installment.

This also marks the FIRST Digital Circus Episode where I CAUGHT THE PREMIERE.

I didn't see the Pilot until a month after it came out because I didn't know about the show. And Episode 2 I was at work at the same time of the release. I had a nerve-wrecking day.

But this time I CAUGHT IT, AND I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER TO.

So I was excited, especially when it was hyped up as the best episode so far!!!

...

IT WASN'T, BUT I STILL REALLY LOVED IT.

Yeah... I said it. I will be the first to say this:

As of right now, this is my least favorite episode.

NOW HOLD ON, THAT IN NO WAY MEANS I DISLIKED IT. THIS EPISODE IS GREAT.

Which should really tell you the quality of this show.

This IS a review based off a first viewing, so be aware of that. Y'all know I'm gonna rewatch this multiple times. So maybe my problems will become less problems.

I also CANNOT WAIT to see all the Angry Karens raging on the Internet about the show! "THIS CARTOON IS TOO DARK AND SCARY FOR MY CHILDREN!! I OUGHTA SUE YA GLITCH!!"

To that I'll say "F%#K YOUR KIDS, CARTOONS ARE FOR EVERYONE!!" (No I won't, but you get the message)

You want a kid friendly haunted mansion episode, NINJAGO SEASON 5 GOT YOU COVERED. (One of the best episodes in that show btw)

I would argue the circus tent is a lot scarier than a haunted mansion, but whatever.

But I do need to explain WHY I find this episode the weakest, and also gush over the good stuff cause there IS good stuff.

So I need to get into spoilers:

I've complained before in the previous two episodes that the B Plots were my least favorite thing about this show. They weren't bad, they just didn't grasp me like the A Plots did (AKA whichever plot Pomni has going on).

But I was really looking forward to them fixing this issue with this episode, especially to aid the characterization of Zooble. A character that has been very neglected. I was expecting this therapy session with Caine to be both chaotic (Because it's Caine) and inciting.

Did it deliver with that??

Yes AND No.

Technically, YES, it was inciting and we learned more about Zooble. They're not straight. They have dysphoria. They're very uncomfortable with their body which is why they're constantly changing parts. And because of that they don't feel like they fit in with the people around them.

LGBT+ Symbolism. Trans Symbolism. Zooble has dysphoria. CALLED IT.

(I mean, Jax even SAYS Zooble isn't straight in the episode)

And hey, just because I guessed what it was and saw it coming, doesn't mean I'm not very appreciative they brought it up. It helps with Zooble's character, and I'm sure the trans audience enjoyed it. I'm cis though, so I don't find it personal. That can't be helped.

We also learned about CAINE's mentality. The A.I was only programmed to create adventures. So he relishes in that because it's the only thing he knows how to do and knows how to help. And Zooble snarking at the very thing Caine was designed to do... BREAKS HIM.

And I am already theorizing, because Caine mentally breaking like that CAUSES A GLITCH IN THE ENTIRE CIRCUS.

So... CAINE'S mental state is what's keeping the circus afloat. THAT SAYS A LOT.

Yeah I definitely think he's getting redeemed, AND this is gonna come up later.

But other than those two scenes, I was a bit disappointed with this plotline. I feel like it could've been longer and we could've learned more. Or, let me rephrase that, at least ONE more cutaway to them.

As it stands, while this is TECHNICALLY the best B Plot of this show's episodes, it is still a B Plot that suffers from being much less interesting.

Idk, maybe this is a 'first viewing' issue, and when I watch the episode again, I'll understand it better.

Oh yeah, speaking of B Plots, we BARELY get ANYTHING regarding the pacifist route.

Once Pomni and Kinger fall into the hellhole, we don't hear from Ragatha Gangle and Jax FOR AWHILE.

And then the next time we see them, they're having tea and being friendly with the hunter's ghost wife, who DID NOT get an in person introduction. And they tied up Jax off screen. WHAT?!?! HOW DID Y'ALL GET HERE?!?!

It wasn't their episode, I understand why the episode wouldn't focus on them, but I DID want an explanation as to how we went from THIS, to THIS.

AND NO ONE BOTHERED TO SHOW CONCERN FOR POMNI AND KINGER THE WHOLE TIME?!

I also feel like it could have, at the very least, benefited Ragatha. But because we don't get anything, her little moment with Pomni at the end felt quite out of nowhere. Because... they didn't have any exchange this episode. I mean good for Pomni for finally expressing she likes her I guess.

Also... that whole exchange was really platonic...

(I don't ship them)

Overall, I really think this is a pacing issue. The pitch black scene with just their eyes is VISUALLY GREAT, love that they're experimenting with different art styles, BUT OH MY GOD THAT SEQUENCE DRAGS. It could have been HALF as long and the point would've still come across.

I also am just not a big fan of haunted mansion stories. And I know that MIGHT be just a me problem.

But in my defense, Ninjago Season 5 had a haunted mansion episode, and that was one of their best episodes that really SAID SOMETHING and taught the main characters something valuable.

THIS haunted mansion feels more like an obstacle more than anything else. Unless there's some deeper meaning behind the mansion's lore in the future, but I doubt it because it's designed to be a one time thing.

I'm MUCH more invested in the PSYCHOLOGICAL horror of the show instead of the PHYSICAL horror. And I think that's why The Pilot and Episode 2 felt a lot more scarier to me than this.

Don't get me wrong, the dismantled heads and the corpse monster ARE scary. The lit up severed head MADE MY SKIN CRAWL when I first saw it. So did Possessed Pomni.... is it bad that I'm kinda obsessed with Possessed Pomni though? But the scary imagery doesn't do much for me unless there's a deeper meaning behind it. Because after my skin crawl I was able to say "Yep. That's the severed head alive and glowing." "That's it's headless body."

When Pomni got possessed by running through the hall of souls, I remember saying aloud "NO DON'T DO IT".

And the thing that ACTUALLY scared me was when they said "How's your wife, Kinger?"

THAT'S the scary part of that for me.

They also OUTRIGHT TELL you the message of the episode this time.

Now I DON'T hate that they did that, it's meant to be a nice moment between Kinger and Pomni. But I MUCH prefer the approaches the previous episode had with showing its message and letting us pick it up for ourselves.

I don't think that's too much of 'dumbing down' though. Episode 2's incident is different. And this episode it IS meant to be a nice moment between Kinger and Pomni and that's why it had to be told.

So yeah, that's what's keeping this episode back for me.

Okay let me talk about the great stuff now. Aside from what I already mentioned.

ANIMATION.

I LOVE that they're experimenting with different styles, like I said. The 2D eyes look really good, and the little hand drawings at the beginning? Love them. They're so cute. PLEASE keep experimenting with animation techniques.

I was also REALLY WORRIED that the Episode's lighting would be too dark for me to see anything that was going on.

This is a BRIGHT show, especially in the previous two. So it's kinda offputting to see these cartoonish characters in a realistic setting. (That's probably on purpose)

But no, it ended up NOT being an issue for me. I followed everything that was happening perfectly.

Also POMNI AND KINGER.

They were EASILY the BEST thing about this episode. Hands down.

EVERY scene with them and their interactions is GOLDEN.

I SERIOUSLY thought Pomni was gonna take a backseat for a couple of episodes to make way for everyone else. But she IS the main character, so I should've suspected that wouldn't be the case.

The story LETS her BE the protagonist, WITHOUT taking anything away from the other character's development. Every scene aids BOTH HER & THEM.

She's such an incredibly written protagonist AND WE STAN IN THIS HOUSE.

But enough about her.

I KNEW this episode was going to make me understand the Kinger hype and love him, AND I WAS EXACTLY RIGHT.

I was wrong about it being schizophrenia. Instead his issue is dementia, which is memory loss/problems. But I'm not mad at all that I got that wrong.

I'm not someone who has dementia, so I can't speak if it's accurate or not, but I LOVE how it was handled here.

Kinger's brain works much differently from everyone else due to his past experiences, and there are certain triggers to his sanity. SO THAT'S WHY HE STAYS IN A PILLOW FORT. I GET IT NOW.

Also HIS WIFE.

Okay yeah so I was wrong about what the relationship was. But I don't care. I LOVED THIS BACKSTORY.

(Abstractions can be tamed?)

Kinger DEFINATELY went up my list for me thanks to this episode, and I KNOW he's gonna be a key player in the future. If his "seven years of computer science" line is anything to go off of.

I love him so much. Your honor, I love him. I wanna protect him.

These two make such great friends and I'm completely here for it.

And the episode STILL maintains all of Digital Circus's great qualities. Thrilling action, sharp comedy, great character interactions, excellent characterizations. And also much more theorizing material that will rot all our brains.

Great Episode. 8/10.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to be welcoming this beauty in my nightmares.

[itstheoneshot]

Kinktober Day 12

Toys - Xiaojun

!sub Xiaojun

You tear open the second package with your teeth, letting the gift fall onto the mattress. Xiaojun watches you patiently as you unwrap it, pretending to ponder for a moment before holding it out for him to see. He wasn’t one for experimenting, he just wanted to be babied, cared for, looked after, and you were into it too, but had decided that the time had come to explore, so you were starting somewhere gentle, something fairly vanilla, just with added pleasure to him, and to you too.

“Let’s get you undressed now, baobao,” You coax him, leaving the most recently opened toy aside the other for a moment to focus all of your attention on him, “Good boy, come here.”

You kiss him softly, passionately, love flowing between you in the sweetest of ways. Tongues colliding, needing to taste each other, needing to be closer. He is like a drug to you, he fills a void that you didn't even know was empty. As you kiss him, your fingers find their way to the hem of his shirt, slowly tugging it upwards to reveal his body underneath. He is so perfectly sculpted, from the intense exercise he does as well as his good diet, you trace the muscles, the lines in between each ab, the line down his hips leading to the part of him that you are so desperate to see.

He whines a little pathetically as he attempts to undress you too, soon giving up so you can help him, growing impatient you waste no time pulling your shirt over your head to aid him. His hand snakes around your back to unclip your bra with much less issue than he had with your shirt, weaponised incompetence, he just wanted to see you strip, and you let your bra fall down your arms just as Dejun’s hands move to your chest to replace it. His thumb and forefinger pinches your nipple on the left, as you simultaneously begin to undress his lower half. Wearing tracksuit pants makes this effortless for you, dropping to your knees as you pull his pants down, now in only his underwear he fights for the opportunity to remove your pants too.

It is a bit of power play, this part, as it always is, neither of you really leading any more than the other, both just interested in turning the other on, as this is the point in where your usual foreplay would start, though today that will be aided with an addition, or two, depending on how adventurous your sweet Dejun feels.

You end up on the bed at some point during the makeout session, clothes now scattered on the floor, you lie on your side with one leg over his, feeling his cock as it grows erect, your own body responding to that as your arousal begins to flow. Your fingers are tangled in his hair, but you let go with one hand to reach behind you for one of the toys that you just opened, one that you thought may work better for foreplay, one that you were sure you could tease him with, and that he could use on you in return.

A small, suction vibrator, it fits in the palm of your hand, but from what you have read in the reviews, has the power to make you come harder than any other vibrator on the market. It excites you, and sparks curiosity in your boyfriend, as he stares at it, and then at you, and then reaches out his hand to take it. He seems a little apprehensive, unsure of how to use it, so you guide his hand, pressing the button to turn it on, feeling the vibration as it runs through both yours and Dejun’s bodies. He kisses you to calm his nerves, as you take the toy to your core and gently hold it at your clit, feeling a shockwave of pleasure that you have not felt anywhere else before. It is almost too much, though on the lowest setting, crying out as Dejun learns quickly how to hold it, where to press it, how to get you going.

The reviews were right, your orgasm comes swiftly and without warning, breath catching in your throat as you release, strangled cries of his name as you are totally overwhelmed, begging him to stop and pushing his hand away even though he doesn’t want to. You take the chance to pick up the other toy, this one more focused on him, a ring to perfectly fit around the base of his cock, vibrating, for his pleasure, though yours will come from it too.

He is visibly nervous once more, as you wrap one hand around his shaft, and take the ring to slip onto him, fixing the sizing once it is at the bottom. You press the little button on the side to turn it on, and then push him down onto his back to straddle him. He is already whining, cock growing harder by the second, though it is not long at all until you take him in, forcing yourself down, body still shaky from the force of your last orgasm, though that makes it somewhat easier. He cries out in sudden pleasure, and as you take him all the way, you feel the vibration on your already sensitive, swollen clit, and it starts you all over again.

You find rhythm quickly, desperate and chasing the feeling that you only just had, not caring that this way won’t make him last long, only caring that he gets there at all, as long as you get there again. It is perfect, the subtle addition to your usual ritual, the added stimuli, the added pleasure, it is everything you could have wanted for the introduction into exploration for your previously innocent sex life. Your thighs burn, but the way that his cock, and the ring, make you feel, makes every painful movement worth it, getting closer with every second, knowing that soon you will be losing yourself on him again, and he will lose it for you too.

———

Kinktober 2024 Masterlist

[rhysdumpster]

🇵🇸 ‼️Hello, please share widely, Mohamed, family and children. I hope you are well. My name is Mohamed Atallah. I urgently need surgery on my left hand and to rebuild my home and my older sister Eman's home. I live with my parents, six sisters, a little girl named Malak and a little boy named Amir in northern Gaza. I created this link to fund a bone graft on my left hand that was hit by an explosive bullet, to rebuild our destroyed home and evacuate my family from Gaza to a safe place. And donate any amount for a safe life.. I would appreciate your help ❤️ Can you help in any way you can? Click on all the buttons on my wall, I beg you to visit my page, view it and donate via the link in my bio 💔 Donate and share widely 🆘🆘 Every euro makes a difference 🙏 I urge you to donate. Even the smallest amount can make a big difference. He doesn't just need to be evacuated with his family, he is in dire need of surgery! The IDF shot him in the arm with an explosive bullet. This is not normal. It's explosive. So he needs treatment immediately! Otherwise, he will get an infection and possibly amputate. We don't want that to happen, do we? So contribute! Make sure to retweet and share his story if you can't. Help my family. War is devastating. There is nothing left to live for. No schools, no universities, no home, no dreams. All dreams are shattered. I hope you can help before it's too late. @90-ghost has reviewed Mohammad's ID documents and messaged him too. Please share and contribute if you can. Feel free to repost on other platforms as well.🍉

SAVE A FAMILY!!

Muhammad Atalla needs our help. He was shot with an explosive bullet while he was carrying aid (pictures in the GoFundMe link), leading to nerve loss and bone fragmentation. He needs the money for surgery, and to rebuild his and his older sister's home.

PLEASE DONATE AND HELP IN ANY WAY YOU CAN. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE IN THIS SITUATION.

[sirthisisa-wendys]

I’m the one who asked about the flashback for Ran! Just sending it back as you asked :) I’m so excited to see what you came up with, I was racking my brain for something and I couldn’t come up with an exact scenario. I just love the way you write his raw emotions and how much he loves the reader, and is tortured by what happened to her, and them suffering through the aftermath even though Mikey’s gone.

I actually found a plot point I missed when reviewing the old parts of the story! FLASHBACK FLASH BACK (you'll get another "flashback" after this one that rounds them out. I'm taking this concept and running with it.)

Hand Her Over (Part 7 - A FLASHBACK): Ran Haitani x Fem!Reader

wc: calculating...

tw: flashback, angst, drinking

masterlis

Hand Her Over Megapost

The cap to the wine bottle comes undone with a loud pop. Ran tilts the glass just so, intent on catching every single drop left in the almost empty bottle. He's not sure when he started drinking again, but on nights like these, he doesn't give a shit.

No, he knows when he started drinking again. He remembers the exact moment the bottle reappeared in the fridge. That morning, he found you standing in the front yard, letting the freezing breeze and snow into the foyer.

"Sleepwalking," Ran had said at the time, excusing your behavior as a machination of your nightmares. He wasn't sure how long you'd been out there or how many times you'd done something like this. But it startled the shit out of him so bad he had to drink to ease his nerves.

Ran waits for some semblance of the dulling effect to take over. He needed to forget how you stood there, feet covered in snow, cheeks flushed bright red, and shivering. You'd been so cold and--

Ran's grip on the bottle falters. He watches in slow motion as the bottle crashes to the floor, resulting in shards of glass skittering about the wine-slicked tile. Ran feels his head loll, and he stares at the mess, wondering how he'd pick it up now. His feet are bare, too.

You come ambling toward the kitchen moments later, your eyes taking in the scene with alarm. But you don't say anything. Well, save a soft "ow".

"Shit," Ran bites out, finally reacting to the scene, spurred into action due to your injury.

And that's how things started, isn't it?

He knew Mikey was no good. He knew things had gone too far. He knew... he fucking knew and yet... He hadn't done shit about it until you'd gotten hurt.

"Piece of glass in your foot?" Ran wonders, still stuck to his stance in the middle of it. You nod. Ran picks his way around the mess, narrowly avoiding a shard himself, and scoops you into his arms. His senses are slowly dulling, but he had enough time to get you some help before he crashed.

The trip to the bedroom is short, and Ran sits you on the bed, whispering, "Don't move." You don't, and he pads toward the bathroom where the first aid kit awaits him. As he rifles through the box, memories come back to him of you doing the same thing: patching up his scrapes, putting ice packs on his bruises, disinfecting the scabs and gross knife cuts...

When had he ever done that for you?

Never.

He reappears with tweezers and a few large band aids, placing them on the floor before sitting down. He spots the offender almost instantly, though it's not large. Ran takes the tweezers and gently pulls the shard free without much difficulty. You whimper in pain, but it's momentary. Fingers work at patching your wound up with two band-aids and then Ran pats your leg with as much affection as he can muster.

"All better." The statement is punctuated with a gentle kiss against your ankle, and when he rises, he sees the fat tears that have rolled down your face. You wipe them away just as Ran feels the effects of the wine take hold. Things are a little hazy, but he has just enough strength to put you back in bed comfortably.

"I'm going to pay for this for the rest of my life, aren't I?" he whispers to no one, his mind rolling with scenarios as he stumbles into the recliner nearby.

The world is swimming but Ran grips the edges of the recliner before easing himself into it while gritting his teeth. All of his life he'd been the one to watch as someone else handled the messes, handled the delinquents, handled the repercussions of his own actions. Hell, until he raised his gun and fired six bullets into Mikey's chest, he hadn't handled shit for himself. Not really.

Bonten's undoing came as quickly as Ran had told Mikey to fuck himself, to which Mikey's haunted face replied, "You wife would know something about that, wouldn't she?"

The squeezing in Ran's chest started just as soon as he pulled the trigger, clickclickclickclick-ing until the gun itself was empty, and then some more for good measure. By the time Rindou had found him slumped against the desk beside a very dead Mikey, Ran had fired seven blanks and sixteen shots.

Money had changed hands, faces disappeared, people forgot who they were and where they lived and who Ran was, the news ran only one cycle talking about Mikey's death. The rest had been lost to time. And yet, here he is, sitting and stuck in that same spiral he'd allowed himself to get stuck in.

All for you.

Ran's eyes slide to his prize, your face turned towards him and eyes blinking in the dim light of the bedroom. "Hey," he whispers softly, trying for a gentle smile. "I'm alright. Get some sleep." You continue to stare at him and Ran knows instinctively that he's drunker than he ought to be.

"I'll get off the bottle soon," he murmurs, looking away in shame. "Promise."

You turn over to the other side and sigh but Ran can't bring himself to promise you anything else. He'd already brought so much pain into your life, and here he was, doing it again.

The image of you standing in front yard catches him off guard again. Maybe you were trying to get away from him. You'd walked so far--

Ran looks back over at you and feels the black hole in his chest yawn. It stings. The thought of you trying to escape from him burns like hell and he can't--

Ran stifles a gasp for air.

He can't bear the thought of you trying to leave. You had every right - you really did - to run away and find someone who would make you happy. He wouldn't blame you if you did want a divorce and wanted to leave his name. He killed for you, but that meant nothing in the face of your happiness.

It meant--

Ran's mind slips.

He'd count it all up to his payment for so many years of shit and terror and chaos. Surely--

The black hole opens a little wider and the world tilts.

You would be happy.

Ran grips the chair with both of his arms, hearing Mikey's voice in his ears.

"But you don't really love her, do you?"

I do, he wants to shout back at the ghost, challenging it.

The wine... it's the wine that's addling his mind. He's not normally like this - not so insecure, not so needy, but--

She'd be better off without you.

Ran jolts up and hurries out of the bedroom, running his hands through his hair and feeling the panic rush through his veins. There's only one way, one way to alleviate this.

This crushing guilt, the shame, the damn agony he feels at having to do all of this over and over and over again. Reliving his worst nightmare is like driving a stake through his skull, and he can't fucking take it anymore.

The front door swings wide and Ran bursts through it, his body propelling him to run. The urge rages through him, and his breath comes out in bursts of white air. If he had asthma like Rindou, he'd already be winded, but he's got tears freezing against his cheeks, the wind biting at his skin, and--

Ran comes to a stop at the end of the street.

What the hell is he doing?

He bends over, trying to catch his breath, and sees himself through his neighbor's eyes. Here is Ran Haitani, in boxer shorts and a t-shirt, running in the dead of winter with no shoes on. And he laughs.

Ran laughs and laughs and laughs.

He laughs so hard he has to sit down in the snow and hold his sides like a maniac.

Suddenly, he understands Sanzu. He understands the way he copes with things. He can't run; not now. Not when you're at home, needing protection. Ran ambles back up the driveway, still chuckling to himself out of disappointment more than humor.

He couldn't even outrun his own problems. A shame, he thinks, shutting the front door and latching it. What a shame I've turned out to be.

[jeanie-g]

I need more!!!!

'a gold star for me' plz

you ask and i shall deliver!! this is an au where jack is a middle school english teacher who wants to go into sports journalism and nico is the hot, new gym teacher that gets his goat!

also featuring trevor as the science teacher all the 8th grade girls have a crush on and jamie as his teacher's aide (who trevor is desperately trying to woo). also sebastian aho cuz i needed a villain lmao

it's hot, it's funny, it's relatable, and even a bit inspirational at times (i hope). it also might be my longest fic (with, like, actual chapters! wowza!)

here's a couple snippets:

The last essay of the semester, on a handful of Ray Bradbury’s short science fiction stories, was due at the start of last class. Jack had managed a good rate of on-time turn-ins, of varying quality but nonetheless complete, which bodes well for his end-of-semester performance review. Daniel turned his in on Monday, which wasn’t a surprise, and Jack was able to mark it over his evening tea, reading it and giving it its deserved A+ before the kettle even whistled. As for the rest, Jack dedicated a solid two hours to the task last night, breaking out his lucky red pen and using it frequently. Now, Friday morning, he has a stack of graded papers on his desk ready to be handed out before the weekend. Well, except Charlotte’s.

Charlotte was suspiciously absent on Wednesday, which isn’t out of the norm, really—her multiple absences was something he brought up to her mother during their parent-teacher conference last month, though the woman just sighed and said that she got frequent stomach aches (Jack wasn’t about to comment that her ailments had the habit of landing on test days). It’s not that Charlotte isn’t smart—Jack would hate to say she has potential if she only just applied herself—she just doesn’t want to be there. Jack has had more than his fair share of students like that. If it weren’t for their parents’ expectations—and their checkbooks funding their frankly overpriced tuition—kids like Charlotte would flunk out voluntarily. They always seem to get cold feet right before report cards come out, though.

Charlotte continues in her excuse train, and Jack waves a hand for her to stop. He’s heard it all before, and Charlotte is as transparent as a glass door, but Jack knows they’ll both be miserable if he gives her grief for it now. The whole point of getting these all done the night before was to have an easy, stress-free weekend with no homework of his own. All but forcing Charlotte to scribble some half-thought out mess on some looseleaf during her study hall would only stress them both out—Charlotte for obvious reasons, and Jack, because he’d be the one who’d have to actually read it.

and!

“What are you drinking?” Nico asks, and Jack had almost forgotten about the empty glass in front of him. Jack opens his mouth to answer but hesitates.

Part of Jack wants to lengthen this moment between him and Nico, really stretch it out as long as he can make it. Another part wants to nod his head towards the door, grab Nico’s hand, and pull him through it. With the way Nico is looking at him right now, he doesn’t think it’ll be too difficult. He’s certainly spent less time working up the nerve to make the big ask with other men, but something is telling him to let this moment grow—slow down the drive and coast a little.

“Gimlet,” he says, and Nico flags down Ana as she passes to order two for the both of them. Ana nods and grabs the well-loved bottle of Ketel One. He’ll let Nico take the lead and see where he ends up. He seems more than capable.

With Nico sitting down now, Jack can study his arms resting on the bartop, thick and covered in fine, dark hair. His gaze travels up the line of them, and he notices the bulk of his biceps stretched along the fabric of his shirt. “So, you’re new in town, checking out the local scene?”

Nico nods, catching Jack studying him with a cheeky smile. “Yes. I don’t really know anyone in the area yet. This seemed like a good place to start.”

“Well, yeah, Salt Crab’s the best. Isn’t that right, Ana?”

Ana turns around, towel in one hand drying some wine glasses. “Sweet talk’s not gonna make those drinks free, Hughes.”

Jack’s laugh bubbles out of him, and he catches Nico staring at him, like he’s hanging onto his every sound. Nico’s eyes flick to the floor and back up.

“You have a nice laugh,” he says, and Jack has to divert the conversation before he starts blushing like a schoolboy.

thanks for the ask, @solip1386 <333

[boysssofthemonth]

Ocean blue | JJ Maybank

Pairing: JJ Maybank x Reader Genre: Fluff Warnings: None Words: 1500

"Well if it isn't the brightest ray of sunshine, y/n is it?" you looked over to the voice. You internally groaned, wary of just how much longer this hour was going to last.

"Well, don't look so damn happy to see me," JJ snorted leaning back on the plastic chair, arms reaching behind his head.

"Come sit, time to get to know each other," JJ smirked, the tip of his lips moved up. Providing him with a devilish, yet boyish expression. His hair fell effortlessly, covering a portion of his forehead. Despite the dishevelled appearance, it flattered his entire demeanour.

"I'm not that scary, see? I saved you a seat," JJ referred to the chair sitting in front of him. Ironically, it was an empty classroom, therefore every other seat was empty. You took in a breath, allowing the coldness to soothe you, before warily taking the seat.

As you got comfortable, placing your books on the table, JJ leaned forward on his elbows, resting them on top of the classroom desk. The heaviness of his stare penetrated through your soul. His gaze so captivating it took everything in you to not meet his eyes. "So, y/n?"

You eventually glanced up, charmed by the lure of his ocean-strong blue eyes. Infinite hues of sky blue, reminding you of spring in the middle of the day, when the sky was at it's most enthralling colour.

JJ gulped, seemingly in a trance. Up close you were even more beautiful. Your skin like glass, untouched by any imperfections. Your silky hair, tucked behind your ear, and every strand placed perfectly on your head. Your entire manner so soft and inviting, a golden aura surrounded your entire body, providing you with a bubble that kept you safe from evil. JJ thought maybe that is why you were always happy, contributing to everything that is good in this world - regarding everybody with such benevolence.

"Yes?" you questioned, for a flittering moment, JJ's eyes glanced at your mouth, before he coughed and examined the clock behind you.

"So, fifty-five minutes to get through this test. You ready?" JJ cocked an eyebrow.

"Y-yes," you cleared your throat, "let me just find it." JJ gave you a look of amusement. Inside you felt on edge, with this being your first time conversing with JJ. Of course you had heard every single rumour surrounding the guy. Being the open-minded person you were, a lot of what you heard you decided to leave on deaf ears. Living life with the idea that you wouldn't allow other's opinions dictate how you perceived other people's characters.

Although, you remained cautious. Regardless of this being your first exchange, there were numerous instances in which JJ's character was well defined with you bearing witness to it all. JJ was well known for his clownish behaviour, with a knack of creating chaos in the class room. Any way to gain the attention of his peers, JJ knew just how to stir the pot.

When your teacher asked you to review JJ's math test as he had ultimately failed it for the second time, you were mindful before accepting the challenge. Your duty included going over his incorrect answers (there were more wrong answers than correct ones), but to also aid him in revising for his last chance. His future depended on this as it wasn't in JJ's aspirations to have to repeat this class.

"God, can this be over?"JJ groaned, leaned back on his chair and ruffled his hair in frustration. You were amused but deep down, in the half an hour that you had spent fretting over finer details of his maths test, you had enjoyed listening to JJ's voice. In spite of his undeniable hatred of the topic, you allowed his smooth and velvety voice to compose the nerves you had been feeling in the beginning.

JJ had a way of charming those he conversed with. You could even say that JJ's charming personality could reach those simply within his vicinity, without having any face-to-face interaction. Although many knew him as a jokester, gaining attention of the public for his loud outbursts, and playful jokes. JJ had a way with his words, providing a source of entertainment to those around him and you especially.

To JJ, time might have felt as slow as watching water boil, but for you, you'd wish you had more time with him.

"You're doing great! Just ten more questions," you flipped over to the next page as you chuckled.

"What's so funny? My misery?" JJ fought hard to contain the smile seeking to make an appearance on his face. Just when he thought you couldn't get any more beautiful. Having witnessed your smile, and hearing your laugh up close had JJ feeling all sorts of butterflies.

But JJ was aware of how contrastingly your lives were. From your friend groups, to your own personalities, your dreams and aspirations. Everything about you and JJ were so ironically disparate that he thought of how funny it would be if you both dated.

Once the thought entered his brain, JJ couldn't think of anything else. Despite it being an amusing thought, he couldn't help but feel giddy inside. That maybe, he wouldn't treat you the way he treated other women he had been with. JJ knew how much of a diamond you were, if he had ever had the chance to hold it in his grimy and calloused hands. But he also knew that if he, for some ungodly reason, were given a chance to be yours, he would do anything in his power to keep you safe. To protect the bubble you were living in, and give you what you deserved even if he didn't have the means to do so.

"No, no. Nothing. Let's start the next question," you continued to attempt to hold your laughter. You glanced up at JJ who returned the gaze with a questioning look. Your stomach flipped at the way he looked. It was undeniable just how good looking JJ was, the whole school was well aware. He was a part of many girls' fantasies, and you heard his name float around the school in many occasions when girls discussed their crushes.

"Is there something on my face?" JJ grabbed his phone to access his camera. You couldn't hold it any longer, and let out a belly laugh. Holding on to your stomach, you hunched over the table, with the other hand covering your mouth. You watched the look of realisation cross over JJ's features, as he spotted the blue pen mark above his left cheek.

After wiping it away, JJ looked over at you unamused, "you're really gonna sit there and laugh at me while I'm at my most vulnerable?"

"Vulnerable? Please, how didn't you feel your pen touch your face?"

"Could have at least told me! How long has it been there?"

"At least twenty minutes," you snorted out a laugh as JJ regarded you in shock.

"That's pretty much almost the entire time we've been here," JJ gasped, shaking his head and faking his anger. If he could, he would have accessed the voice recording application on his phone and recorded the laugh you belted out. It brought him such joy knowing that he caused it.

"Come on, we don't have much time, we have to get through this," your laugh was slowly dying down.

"How come we've never talked before?" JJ completely ignored your advances of trying to get back to the original task at hand. You looked up from the paper in front of you with a quizzical look, unsure of why he had brought this up so suddenly.

"I don't know," you shrugged your shoulders nonchalantly, but you too had wondered the same, this connection between the two of you was felt on both ends and it was truly a mystery as to how you had never crossed paths despite attending the same school. To be fair, having had such different upbringings, social circles and aspirations could answer the mystery, but you were grateful now for the time that you do have. But you had wished for more.

"I guess we just have very different social circles," you decide on an answer, searching in the ocean-blue of JJ's eyes, for anything to prove to you that he was feeling the same connection.

"Well, I'd love to change that," JJ smiled, a genuine one. A smile that he realised he had been sporting the entirety of your time together. The fake one he had been accustomed to showing off, long gone, and in place of that, a real smile that JJ thought would never make an appearance again.

[battyaboutbooksreviews]

🦇 One Last Stop Book Review 🦇

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

❓ #QOTD If you could live in a different time and place, when and where would you choose? ❓ 🦇 August expects moving to New York will only prove her cynicism right. The only way to live is to do it alone. That is, until a mysterious girl on the train hands her a scarf, sparking not only a major subway crush on the Q, but an adventure that will alter August's perspective of the world forever.

💜 Oh. My. Goddess. This book. THIS BOOK. This book hit me like a freight train (yes, yes, I see the pun). It's been a month since I read it because I couldn't find the words...I still can't. But I'll try. 💜 This. Book. Why did NO ONE tell me about this book?! 💜 From page one, this book is a childhood friend reaching out and tugging you into a warm, solid embrace before lifting you off your feet, spinning you around, and causing the word to blur. Casey McQuiston's narration is familiar, inviting, intimate. I couldn't stop annotating. August is raw and vulnerable and real, but still figuring out who she is away from her mother and messy childhood. We're only lucky enough to discover the woman she is alongside her. 💜 I don't want to spoil this story for anyone who hasn't read it yet, because there's a moment that changes EVERYTHING -- the genre, the plot, August, EVERYTHING. It's executed so well that I still feel the impact. WHY am I tearing up writing a review for this a MONTH later?! 💜 The underlying messages in this story are so heavy and impactful, yet written with such ease and grace and respect. There's: 🚇 Beautiful representation and discussion about virginity 🚇 Kisses for evidence-gathering 🚇 Exploration into New York's queer history 🚇 A Chinese lesbian displaced during the 70s 🚇 Lost memory 🚇 HIV/AIDs activists 💜 Beyond that, there's a beautiful sapphic ship, quirky cast of queer side characters, and sense of found family that's beyond heart-warming. I'm completely onboard for whatever Casey McQuiston has planned next.

💜 Literary Awards: 🚇 ALA Alex Award Nominee (2022) 🚇 Goodreads Choice Award Nominee for Romance (2021) 🚇 RUSA CODES Reading List for Romance (2022) 🚇She Reads Best of Award Nominee for Romance (2021)

🦇 Recommended for all readers; namely fans of Delilah Green Doesn't Care, She Gets the Girl, and Imogen, Obviously. This book is absolute magic. I read this in February but I can already say it's one of my top reads for the year. Yes, I'm still tearing up. What is wrong with me?

✨ The Vibes ✨ 🩷 Queer Found Family 🚇 Bisexual FMC 🩷 Diverse Cast 🏙️ Coming-of-Age 🩷 Sapphic Ship 🚝 Smut 🩷 Sci-Fi Twist

💬 Quotes ❝ Truth is, when you spend your whole life alone, it’s incredibly appealing to move somewhere big enough to get lost in, where being alone looks like a choice. ❞ ❝ August looks at her as the train reverses past Gravesend rooftops, this girl out of time, the same face and body and hair and smile that took August’s life by the shoulders in January and shook. And she can’t believe Jane had the nerve, the audacity, to become the one thing August can’t resist: a mystery. ❞ ❝ "Your friendly smile of acceptance—from the safe position of heterosexuality,’” Jane reads aloud, “‘isn’t enough. As long as you cherish that secret belief that you are a little bit better because you sleep with the opposite sex, you are still asleep in your cradle … and we will be the nightmare that awakens you.’” ❞ ❝ August laughs and wants so badly to know what it feels like to show off the person who’s yours from across the crowd...Maybe what she really wants is to be the person across the crowd who belongs to someone. ❞ ❝ “The attraction between you two is literally a spark, and it’s the same spark that’s bringing her back into reality." ❞ ❝ “I fell in love with you the day I met you, and then I fell in love with the person you remembered you are. I got to fall in love with you twice. That’s—that’s magic. You’re the first thing I’ve believed in since—since I don’t even remember, okay, you’re—you’re movies and destiny and every stupid, impossible thing, and it’s not because of the fucking train, it’s because of you. It’s because you fight and you care and you’re always kind but never easy, and you won’t let anything take that away from you. You’re my fucking hero, Jane. I don’t care if you think you’re not one. You are.” ❞

[ill-try-to-do-book-reviews]

What Moves The Dead

T. Kingfisher

RATING: 🕯🕯🕯🕯🔥 (4.5/5)

As a life-long horror fan, I hate to disappoint when I say I have never read The Fall of the House of Usher by Edgar Allen Poe. As such, when the last name 'Usher' was first mentioned in this book, I drew the parallel as a little joke to myself, seeing as I hadn't read the original to get the little Easter eggs dropped by the author. Despite this, What Moves The Dead is an excellent standalone story of its own right, providing dread and horror at every turn despite its short length.

Summary: When Alex Easton, a retired soldier, receives word that their childhood friend Madeline Usher is dying, they race to the ancestral home of the Ushers in the remote countryside of Ruravia.

What they find there is a nightmare of fungal growths and possessed wildlife, surrounding a dark, pulsing lake. Madeline sleepwalks and speaks in strange voices at night, and her brother Roderick is consumed with a mysterious malady of the nerves.

Aided by a redoubtable British mycologist and a baffled American doctor, Alex must unravel the secret of the House of Usher before it consumes them all.

MY DETAILED REVIEW (SPOILER WARNING):

What Moves The Dead is an excellent and quick read, ending at a mere 200-something pages. Despite this, the pacing never feels rushed - in fact, at some points, it seems to drag on a bit. This is no fault of its own, though! I think it seemed to drag on to me because I did not have the prior experience of the original Poe story, therefore none of what was happening was familiar.

I was also unaware when I started that it was the beginning of a series!

Everything that occurs in the book happens for a very interesting reason. There is no thread of the Usher Manor that is left unraveled by the time you are done, and the end result is a masterfully woven tapestry of absolute fungal horror.

It occured to me, during the scene of Madeline walking strangely through the hall the first night, that she was walking like a hare. I had thought, initially, that she and the hares and her brother had all been infected with the mold of the manor. The upkeep was poor and the lake was terribly kept, so I assumed that they were all sickly because of it.

I was both so, so right and so, so terribly wrong.

Having read this book with no prior knowledge, the reveal that Madeline had been taken over by mycelium, that she was secreting hyphae, and had been dead for at least a month was incredible. The payoff was amazing, and the realization I had, which Easton did not, was I believe this implies that Maddy had died before Easton's arrival. Which meant all of kan's interactions with kan's beloved friend were in fact mycelium.

Also, it was a rather pleasant surprise that Easton was a sworn soldier of a different form, so to speak. Everybody in the story respects kan's pronouns with ease, often referring to ka as 'sir' if not by these soldier-specific pronouns. Maddy referring to the mycelium as 'va', as a child, was an equally refreshing yet terrifying ordeal.

The worldbuilding of the novel is amazing, the pacing is great, and overall I am glad I went in so blindy. I do, however, now want to read The Fall of the House of Usher.

And I can say with complete confidence I will be reading the rest of Easton's adventures. I've already borrowed book #2, What Feasts At Night!

[weekendpassrevoked]

Easy's Songbird - Chapter Three

Orlando, Florida, February, 1942

Her family was obviously not very happy with her when she returned home that afternoon, uniform in hand. In fact, her mother didn’t speak to her for a week after how upset she was. She started speaking with her after they dropped Lucas and Cameron off at the train station and she sensed how upset Isabella was.

The worker had been skeptical about receiving her information when she signed up. Technically, she wasn’t allowed to, considering she was still 16, but after confirming her birth date, she was allowed to continue the process. 

Isabella didn’t feel excited, more queasy than anything. Her gut was telling her something was going to happen and she just didn’t know what.

It was on February 24th, her 17th birthday, did she finally figure out what it was. 

She had come home from school, exhausted. She had been restless recently. Nerves finally getting to her. When she walked into the dining room, she found her parents and Maya around the table, unreadable expressions on their faces.

Uneased, she finally broke the silence. 

“So, is everything okay or are yall going to leave me in the dark?”

Surprisingly, it had been Maya to finally answer her. 

“いさ, すわて”

She felt fear crawl up her throat, was it Michel? Had something happened to Lucas or Cameron?

Her father spoke up, voice tense. “Te llegó una carta en el correo.”

Her eyebrows furrowed, a letter in the mail for her wasn’t anything unusual. So what the hell were they playing at?

Taking the letter from her father, she finally understood why.

“ United States War DepartmentWashington, D.C.February 15th, 1942

Miss Isabella M. VegaOrlando, Florida

Subject: Assignment to Special Project "Blitz"

Miss Vega,

After careful review of your familial background, language qualifications, and exemplary educational record, it is my duty to inform you that you have been selected for participation in a newly-formed initiative, codenamed Project Blitz . This project represents a significant advancement in the United States Army's medical deployment strategy. As part of this experimental program, you will be assigned to a unit of Airborne Infantry , providing medical support to combat soldiers during airborne operations in enemy territory.

The role you are being asked to undertake is unprecedented in military history, and as such, will require exceptional skill, adaptability, and discipline. You will be expected to operate under extreme conditions, often isolated from traditional support structures, and your courage and ability to innovate in the face of adversity will be critical to the success of the program.

You will be attached to the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, Easy Company , currently in training for airborne operations. As part of Easy Company, you will parachute into combat zones alongside the infantry, providing direct medical support on the front lines. This assignment is not without risk, but the War Department is confident in your ability to meet the extraordinary demands of this operation.

Your orders are to report to Camp Toccoa, Georgia, no later than March 10th, 1942 , for further briefing and specialized training. You will receive additional details upon arrival.

It is important to note that your assignment to Project Blitz is considered classified . Discussions regarding the nature of your assignment, or the existence of this project, outside of official military channels are strictly prohibited.

The War Department expresses its full confidence in your abilities and looks forward to your contributions to this groundbreaking initiative. Your performance in this role will not only aid in the immediate needs of the war effort but may also pave the way for future generations of women in the military.

Respectfully,Lt. Col. James A. MerrittPersonnel DivisionWar Department

Isabella’s heart pounded, her hands shaking. How the hell had her name made it all the way to D.C?

Her father cleared his throat, looking at her severely as if he was trying to see right through her. 

“ Vas a aceptar?”

She gulped, this had been what she had always wanted right? To do something and prove herself? To be just as capable as the men on the front lines?

“ Si.”

That night, she had her birthday cake. For now, she would enjoy her last birthday at home, surrounded by those who cared for her. Her parents had bought her a new guitar strap along with a new journal. Usually, she would just doodle and write new music in her journals, but this time around she decided she would start writing in it once she started her training. Lucas had gotten her more veils for church, while Cameron got her new art supplies. They’d made sure to leave it with her mom before they left. Then, Maya excitedly brought in a box all the way from her room.

“あなたのお兄さんと私は、この誕生日を特別なものにしたいと思いました。あなたが子供たちの面倒をたくさん見てくれたおかげです。私たちはこれを作ってもらい、私の家族の助けを借りて、日本から送ってもらいました。”

Her eyes widened. She carefully received the box from her, placing it gently on the table. She took the lid off, not knowing what to expect. Inside was the most beautiful kimono she had ever seen. The furisode was dark green, with delicate light green flower patterns. The obi pink and green, along with a pink obiage and obijime. It came with a beautiful white juban with the haneri having flower embroidery. But the most beautiful part was the haori; an off-white with sakura and crane patterns.

She felt tears roll down her cheeks, too stunned to speak. How could she even repay them for this?

“Your お兄さん and I had this made for you. There is still much time until you turn 20, but we hope that when you do, you will be able to wear this for the coming of age ceremony. But, who knows? Maybe you will meet some 素敵な兵士 while you are away that will dignify wearing this.” Maya grinned. 

Furisode were traditionally only used for very special events, like the coming of age ceremony or weddings. Maybe Maya and Michel hoped she would meet someone soon? Isabella was never romantically adept, especially with how religious she was, Lucas and Cameron being her friends and coincidentally being male was pure luck at its finest. 

Isabella doubted she could even take this with her to training, and even if she could, it was unlikely the men training for war against the Germans and Japanese would enjoy seeing their medic dressed in the enemy's traditional clothing, but she would do it for Maya. Maya, her only sister, who had been there with her through thick and thin ever since she met her when she was only a girl. 

Yes, Isabella wasn’t ethnically or racially Japanese, but the culture had been a part of her since she was a child and she had grown up with it. Maybe that’s what was most beautiful about the United States, how culturally diverse it is. 

She carefully put the lid back on the box and slid from her chair, kneeling with her head touching the ground. She sobbed, “心から感謝いたします.” As she cried, she heard Maya quickly rush up from her chair, flustered, begging her to stand. 

As she finally stood, wiping the tears from her eyes, she saw her parents hugging Maya, thanking her all the same. Suddenly, she felt a pang of grief in her heart. Maya said Michel had planned this too. Her brother, who despite being so far and in so much danger, still thought of her and her future. She missed him terribly. 

Anzu ran up to her, begging to be carried. She brought a drawing with her, hastily drawn in a way only a child could. She hugged her tight, confused over the strange commotion, but still excited to give her only aunt her birthday gift.

“Isa. I made you this.” Anzu whispered in her ear. “I hope you like it.”

It was the entire family, crudely drawn with love. She smiled through her tears, putting the drawing on the table so as to not ruin it. “Oh my sweet girl. Thank you.”

“Why are you crying?”

“Well Anzi, I have to go somewhere far away for a while.” she sniffled. Anzu tilted her head to the side, wide-eyed. 

“Like papa?”

Her heart hurt again, how long had it been since Anzu saw her father?

“Yeah sweetie, like papa.”

Anzu giggled. “You’ll be back, so why are you sad?” She let out a giggle after hearing her innocent reply. “You’re right Anzizi, I won’t be sad anymore.”

“Good!”

The night carried on, tears no longer shed and laughter aplenty. The next day, her family helped her pack for her trip. She put her new uniforms neatly folded in her bag with help from her mother, along with some normal clothes. She took her journal and some stationary with a picture of the whole family, her new veils for mass, her bible and school books to keep her sharp. She decided she would take the kimono by hand, and if they indeed said she couldn’t keep it, then she would mail it back home for safe keeping. 

Anzu sat on her bed, watching her pack the last of her things. 

“Isa?” asked Anzu.

She hummed in reply, waiting to hear what her niece had to say. 

“Why aren’t you taking teddy and tokage with you?”

She giggled. Teddy had been the very first thing she had received in this world. A bear her brother bought for her the day she was born, and she slept with it every night ever since. Tokage, on the other hand, was a stuffed lizard toy Maya had sent her during her last trip to Japan. 

“Do you think I should?” she teased.

“Yeah!”

She threw them in her bag too, no loss, no foul right? She’ll mail them back if needed. At least she’ll have something from home to keep her grounded. The men would probably make fun of her for it, but she couldn’t care less. 

She zipped up the bag, carefully standing. She still wasn’t used to the pencil skirt the uniform had. She had always worn Michel or the boy's hand-me-downs, or loose dresses and skirts her mom made that allowed her to run around unrestricted. Hell, even her performing clothes were loose. Her favorite was a brown, plaid circle skirt with a fitted black short sleeve blouse made of velvet with white flowers embroidered on the collar and some leather ankle boots that she had worn-in to the bone. She paused, maybe she should take that outfit too, just in case.

As she truly finished packing. She called for her father to help her with the bag. Maya and her mother were waiting at the door for them, Anzu running to hold Maya’s hand while her mother held Taiga. Thankfully, the walk wasn’t too bad, she still wasn’t used to wearing heels and despite the short walk her feet were starting to hurt. 

As they arrived at the station, the reality of everything finally hit. This would be the last time she would see her family for a long time. She would miss Taiga’s first words and steps, Anzu’s first day of school, her own high school graduation. Would her parents change too? 

As their time together shortened, she tightly hugged her parents. 

“I’ll be back soon okay? Lo prometo. ” she strained. 

Her father kissed her head, smiling. “I’m so proud of you. Stay out of trouble okay?”

She nodded, “Take good care of the cats, don’t be mean to them while I’m gone. I’ll know when I get back if you were.”

Her father chuckled and pulled away as her mother kissed her cheeks. 

“Remember to pray every day, and keep up with school as best you can.”

Isabella honestly didn’t know when she would find time to pray the rosary every day, hell, if she would even have time to study. But she would try for her mama. 

She kneeled down to Anzu’s height, brushing her dark hair from her face. 

“Alright Anzizi, you’re gonna have to be a big girl when I’m gone okay? Make sure to help your mama and あぶじ”

The girl nodded, fiercely determined.

“I promise!”

Isabella grinned and ruffled her hair. 

“Atta girl!”

She stood, facing Maya and Taiga. 

“You’ll be okay right?”

Out of everyone Isabella was most worried for, it was Maya. Attacks on Japanese people were getting more and more frequent, and without her there she was afraid the worst would come true.

Maya nodded and smiled, grabbing her hand.

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

Isabella leans over and kisses Taiga’s head. 

“I’ll be back Taiga, be good.”

She turns back toward the train and boards. She feels tears begin to form as she sits down and looks out the window to her family. She scans over their faces, trying her hardest to commit them to memory. Who knows when she will return.

The train begins to move, box in her lap, and she feels like the world is slipping out from under her. This was it. She places her hand on the window as she moves further away, and she sees her father run alongside it, yelling, trying his hardest to see her till the very end. The platform ends and she sees the devastated expression on his face. Her tears roll freely when she finally hears him. 

“ I love you!”

----------------------------------------------------

Chapter Translations

“いさ, すわて” (Isa, sit down)

“Te llegó una carta en el correo.” (You received a letter in the mail)

“Vas a aceptar?” (Will you accept?)

"Si" (Yes)

“あなたのお兄さんと私は、この誕生日を特別なものにしたいと思いました。あなたが子供たちの面倒をたくさん見てくれたおかげです。私たちはこれを作ってもらい、私の家族の助けを借りて、日本から送ってもらいました。” (Your brother and I wanted to make this birthday memorable since you've helped us so much with the kids. We had this made and sent all the way from Japan with help from my family.

"お兄さん" (Big brother)

"素敵な兵士" (Handsome soldier)

“心から感謝いたします.” (I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart)

"Lo prometo" (I promise)

"あぶじ” (Mix between あぶ and じじ, personal loving term for grandmother)

[mediaevalmusereads]

What Moves the Dead. By T. Kingfisher. Nightfire, 2022.

Rating: 4/5 stars

Genre: horror, novella

Series: Sworn Soldier #1

Summary: When Alex Easton, a retired soldier, receives word that their childhood friend Madeline Usher is dying, they race to the ancestral home of the Ushers in the remote countryside of Ruravia.

What they find there is a nightmare of fungal growths and possessed wildlife, surrounding a dark, pulsing lake. Madeline sleepwalks and speaks in strange voices at night, and her brother Roderick is consumed with a mysterious malady of the nerves.

Aided by a redoubtable British mycologist and a baffled American doctor, Alex must unravel the secret of the House of Usher before it consumes them all.

***Full review below.***

CONTENT WARNINGS: dead animals, disturbing imagery

OVERVIEW: This is my third Kingfisher book. After being disappointed by Paladin's Grace and lukewarm on A Wizard's Guide to Defensive Baking, I figured I'd see if something more spooky would be more to my taste. Fortunately, it was; the humor I disliked elsewhere in Kingfisher's works was toned down in this novella, and the creepiness factor made What Moves the Dead a delightful Halloween read. There are some things I think I can criticize, however, which is why this book gets 4 stars from me.

WRITING: Kingfisher does a wonderful job in this novella of making the atmosphere feel oppressive, unsettling, and downright eerie. I loved the way she described the house and the surrounding area, and I loved the descriptions of the smell of mushrooms and the odd movement of animals.

I also appreciated that the humor was a bit more restrained. In the past, Kingfisher's humor has been not for me; there are still some moments of lightheartedness and sarcasm in this novella, but I personally found them more tolerable.

PLOT: The plot of this book follows Alex Easton, a career soldier who makes their way to the house of their childhood friends, the Ushers. Madeline Usher has fallen gravely ill, and her brother Roderick seems to be little better. But when Easton discovers some odd ecological behavior around the estate, they begin to suspect not all is right in the Usher household.

I respected that this story was a retelling of Edgar Allan Poe's Fall of the House of Usher, and after reading Kingfisher's author notes, I was impressed by the creativity and nuance that she picked up on.

I also enjoyed the overwhelming sense of dread and the way Kingfisher made the ecology of the world unsettling. I've read a few books where the (spoiler) has been the culprit of a few spooky events, but the horrifying way things were described and the overwhelming sense of terror was top notch, in my opinion.

I do have some criticisms, though, which prevented me from giving this novella a full 5 stars. In my opinion, I think there were some moments where Kingfisher could have held back. There are some scenes when things are explained to the reader a little too bluntly, and while I can understand not wanting to leave anyone confused, I think holding some things back would have heightened the terror much more.

CHARACTERS: Easton, our protagonist and POV character, is generally amiable and has warm intententions towards the Ushers. I enjoyed the world and society that Easton came from; they come from a culture where there are many more pronouns than in English, so Easton is a kind of trans/nonbinary/queer figure. I do wish Easton held back a little more humor, though, as some of it jarred me and took me out of the horror, but on the whole, Easton was fine as a protagonist.

The Ushers were delightfully unsettling. I loved the way Kingfisher plays with the Gothic tropes of the source material and makes everything all the more disturbing. I also liked how there seemed to be genuine affection between the Ushers and their friends, and their attitudes towards their ancestral home were helpful in making the narrative spookier.

Denton, the American doctor, was also useful in that he lent some outside perspective. The constant jabs at his Americanness were amusing at first, but I personally got tired of them as the story continued. Still, it was helpful to have someone there with whom Easton could converse.

Miss Potter, the mycologist, was an utter delight. I loved the expertise and enthusiasm she lent to the story, and her unflappable attitude was a nice contrast to Easton's and Denton's near-panic.

TL;DR: What Moves The Dead is a delightfully unsettling retelling of The Fall of the House of Usher. Though I wish more humor had been restrained and I think Kingfisher could have held some things back to heighten the horror, overall, this was a good read for Halloween and a novella that is sure to delight Gothic fans.

[yearningagain]

don't let me drown

[PART ONE], PART TWO

so i had this thought and decided to elaborate on it, but i ended up having 1.5k words and i'm not even a third of the way done :,) so pls let me know if this would be something you guys would like more of!! this is my first time posting writing here except for a few snippets, so pls be nice but constructive criticism is welcome!

ft. modern au, Single(Seahorse)Dad!Eddie, SwimInstructor!Steve

Eddie Munson didn't know how to swim. Growing up in landlocked states while despising every swimsuit he was ever presented with, it just made sense. He didn't need to know how to swim, there was no reason for it, and he was perfectly fine with it.

Until Max.

Specifically, until Max decided, after watching the 2020 Olympic swimming, that she was going to be an olympic swimmer. She kept bugging Eddie, begging him to sign her up for swim lessons with all the umph a six year old could muster.

And Eddie was a weak willed man, especially when it comes to his daughter. So he said yes.

Eddie spent the next week and a half researching the best swim instructors around, googling and calling and looking at reviews. Eventually, he settled for the Hawkins Aquatic Center. With it being relatively close, a 20 minute drive at most, and having the best reviews out of any and all other pools in the area, it was a clear winner.

So that Tuesday, while Max was at day camp, Eddie made the call.

“Hawkins Aquatic Center, this is Robin! How can I help you today?” One of the bubbliest voices Eddie had ever heard answered the phone, immediately putting him a little more at ease.

“Hi, I was looking to set my daughter up for some swim lessons?” He asked, hoping Robin didn't pick up on his slight nervousness.

“Of course! I just need a little information. Her name, age and birthday, and skill level is what I need now, and I’ll ask for some more information about you once we schedule.”

“Yeah, for sure. Her name is Maxine Munson, but everyone calls her Max. She’s six, her birthday is June 14th, 2014. She doesn't really… know how to swim?” As he gave her the information, his nerves almost doubled. He couldn't swim, he wouldn't be able to practice with her! What if she drowns? What if something happens? What if-

“Alright, Mr. Munson, I’m assuming?” Robin asked sweetly, interrupting his spiral.

“Uh- yeah that's- that’s me. You can just call me Eddie. Eddie Munson, at your service! Ha! Sorry, that was, like, super lame.” He cringed at his antics, but a bubbly laugh filled the phone.

“Got it, Eddie! So from the information you’ve given to me, it seems like it’ll be best to put her in our beginners class for kids under 7. We typically have two instructors that rotate throughout the week, but one of them is on paternity leave, so she’ll only be with Coach Harrington. There's two options for this class. Twice a week, on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 4 to 5:30 in the afternoon, or three times a week, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays 5 to 6:30 in the afternoon. Do either of those work for you?”

Eddie hesitated. He knew how much enthusiasm Max had about swimming, but he was nervous about taking her so often. But the more time she can get in the water, the more she’ll practice. Plus first grade homework isn't terrible, so she’ll be able to continue when school starts up again.

“Eddie? You still with me?” Robin asked. He must have taken too long to answer.

“Yeah, sorry! Just, uh, just thinking.” He replied lamely.

Robin seemed to catch on to his anxiety. “A lot of parents are nervous about teaching their kids how to swim, I get it! But Steve, or Coach Harrington I should say, is the best in the area. He’s been an instructor here for a few years and loves it. There’s always lifeguards on duty and all of our staff are trained in basic first aid and CPR. Parents are always welcome to sit in on lessons as well, there's seating in the instructional pool area. Max will be in great hands!”

Eddie took a breath. Robin's ramblings helped put him at ease, knowing all of the precautions the center takes to keep everyone safe.

“Thank you so much, Robin. I think three times a week will work best, Max has been bugging me for weeks! I know she’ll be ecstatic when I tell her I signed her up.” Eddie can already picture her reaction, grinning and hopping around in excitement.

“Sounds great, Eddie! I can guarantee she’ll love it. So now I just need to ask you a few questions! I just need your email, the best phone number to reach you at, an emergency contact other than you, and we can get her all set!” Eddie breathed a sigh of relief, giving her the information she asked for.

“Alright, we’ve got her in the system! You guys can come in any time this week for a tour of the place and meet Coach Harrington, but her first lesson will be next Monday, August 10th. We do ask that she brings goggles, but we have extras in case she forgets them. Do you have any other questions for me?”

Taking a second to think, Eddie replied. “I think we’ve got everything covered. Thank you, Robin. I really appreciate your help!”

“It’s really no problem! If you do think of any questions you may have, you can always ask when you tour, or call us! We look forward to seeing you!”

All that was left to do was to invest in a good swimsuit, some goggles, and tell Max.

—-------------------------

“Hey, stinker! How was camp today?” Eddie asked as Max climbed in the car and got herself situated in her seat.

“It was great! We did finger paintings ‘n played on the playground! There was a worm on the slide and Lucas was too afraid to touch it, so I got it ‘n brought it to the grass!” Max beamed at her father, showing her gap toothed smile. “I’m gonna bring home the art tomorrow, but Miss Joyce said we have to let it dry tonight. I did a picture of us!”

Eddie laughed lightly at his daughter's antics, smiling right back at her. “Sounds like today was fun, bug! I do have a little surprise for you when we get home though, okay?”

That got Max’s attention quickly, asking all sorts of questions about it. Eddie simply smiled at her and turned up the music, an old The Cure CD playing on the radio system. As the volume rose, all Eddie could hear was an exasperated “Daaaaaad!” from the back seat.

The ride home was short and sweet, the ending of Friday I’m in Love fading out as they pulled into the driveway. As soon as the car stopped, Max unbuckled and sprinted towards the door, abandoning her backpack and lunchbox.

“I know you're excited, Max, but you have to come get your stuff!” Eddie called out as he exited the driver's seat. The sound of her Skechers on the concrete and her small giggles approaching before receding back to the front door where she bounced on her feet in a poor attempt of patience.

Eddie sighed and shook his head, a small smile playing at his lips as he unlocked the front door. Immediately, Max ran inside, throwing her stuff on the couch and turning to her father expectantly.

“Where is it? What is it? Can I know now?” She asked, her little body practically vibrating in excitement and anticipation.

Eddie laughed warmly, dramatically rolling his eyes. “I guess you can know now, since you’ve been so patient.” Max snorted at his sarcasm, eyes going crinkly at the corners. “Go look in your room, love.”

And with that, she was off. Running as fast as her little legs could take her, not minding her dad’s warnings to not run in the house. Practically tearing her bedroom door off its hinges, she rushed into her room. Sat in a neat pile on her bed was a small black and red one piece swimsuit, a pair of black goggles, and a print out of the confirmation email from the Hawkins Aquatic Center.

Finally catching up and leaning on her door frame, Eddie quietly asked, “What do you think?”

It’s a miracle the neighbours didn't call the cops that day.

All of Max’s excitement and happiness seemed to explode out of her, letting out one of the loudest screams he had ever heard. Before he could blink, the small child tackled Eddie into a crushing hug, jumping onto him like a koala.

“Really? You’re for real?” She asked, pulling her head back from the embrace to look at her dad, unshed tears threatening to escape from her eyes.

“I’m for real, baby. I promise.”