#Nebularomantic Awareness

[askanaroace]

Ask An Aro Ace ASAW Day 1: Trauma-Based Aromanticism

So today I want to write a bit about what it's like to be aromantic when your aromanticism is trauma-based, such as when a traumatic experience completely cut away your romantic attraction or when you still experience attraction but lack the motivation, confidence, or desire to act on it due to a traumatic experience.

Regardless of your flavor of queer, being queer is always scary in some way. You might be afraid of accepting your queerness, afraid of being wrong and different - afraid of being persecuted and oppressed. You might be afraid of your loved one's reactions, of facing their hate or judgement or even just their ignorance. You might be afraid of navigating through society with your new understanding of who you are, afraid of how this will impact your safety and your job and your ability to buy a home and start a family and get married and have kids.

When you're a trauma-based aromantic, you might, like me, also be afraid of navigating your own community. Afraid you won't be welcome. Afraid you validate bigotry and misconceptions against your community. Afraid people in and out of your community will believe you to be a faker who just needs to be "fixed".

For a long time, I walked this very confusing like where I identified as aromantic to allos but as not-aromantic to aros. I knew allo was no longer a fitting title and that I would not fit in with them. But I was also afraid that I was invading in a place where I shouldn't be in aro spheres. And even after I started broaching aro spaces as an aro, I was very fearful and cautious of revealing that I was caedromantic, someone whose aromanticism was directly tied in with the trauma I survived, which also meant that I couldn't relate to or speak on a lot of aro experiences that other aros had.

And while the target of my fear was me, this was honestly incredibly unfair to the aromantic community, who has never made me feel unwelcome or invalid. The aro community never asked or questioned why I was aro, even after learning the caedro part. They never judged me or silenced me. They never interrogated me. They never pushed me away or told me to leave. Aromantics have only ever accepted and supported me. It was only ever the cis allohets that have made me feel like I am not enough.

And more than that, by talking more and more about being a trauma-based aro, I have discovered that there are a lot more of us than you might imagine. Due to the kind of society we live in, people have trauma, even serious big-T Trauma, is damn common. And trauma changes your brain. It changes how you interact with the world. It changes your relationship to yourself and to others. You can change this further with healing, but trauma can indeed change the brain. It's valid and legitimate if trauma impacts your identity, how you relate to it, and/or how you express it.

But it's scary to admit this and talk about it because the cis allohets only want to use this as a gotchya. For them, this is not the opportunity about the wrongness of our society: exposing people to traumas, gaslighting them over traumas, refusing to provide support and resources for healing over traumas, punishing people for displaying any effects of trauma - it's about using this to invalidate aromanticism.

Any aspec person has heard the anti-aspec claims that being aspec is caused by trauma/mental illness/medication and can therefore be cured, as if we are ill, as if being ill is a reason to harm people. As a trauma-based aro, it feels like you are a direct confirmation of this claim. It feels like your very existence is problematic and harmful to other aros.

BUT!!!

Some people ARE aspec or question if they're aspec or think they're aspec for a while due to things like trauma, mental illness, and/or medication, and this is valid!!! This is the same shitty anti-phase logic like something can be valid and real if it's a phase. You know what's a phase? Everything. Every. Damn. Thing. is a phase. Being a toddler, being a teenager, being alive, bell bottoms, checks being a form of payment, cursive, typewriters, hair length, etc. You know what? Trauma changes you and healing isn't going to return you to who you were before you experienced that trauma. Mental illness is treated and accommodated and coped with but can't just be cured or erased. Some medications need taken for life. It doesn't matter why someone is aromantic or even if they know why at all. Aromantics exist, aromanticism harms no one, and aromantic people deserve to be respected and treated well. The problem isn't that I'm aromantic due to trauma. The problem is that I was exposed to that trauma in the first place. The problem is that support for healing from this trauma is so hard to access. The problem is the way people treat me for having this trauma. The problem is the way people treat me for being aromantic. But being aromantic, for whatever reason, is not a problem.

It doesn't matter if trauma-based aromantics exist or not. Even if we went away or "got cured" (I like being aromantic! I want to be aromantic forever!), anti-aro bigots would still be against aromanticism and seek to harm us. I learned a long time ago that there's no way to make bigots happy. There is no compromise to "I want you to have never existed in the first place, but since you're here now, you're an abomination who should be killed". Targeting trauma and other similar things 'causing' aromanticism is only one way of how anti-aro bigotry is expressed. Even if we didn't exist, the bigots would still hate us. They would still screech that we were broken and wrong and never meant to exist. In my experience, the best way to respond to this in a way that does the least harm to your spirit and soul is to embrace your identity wholeheartedly and exude pride and celebration.

So I'm done hiding. Yes, I am aro due to trauma. Yes, I am happy with this. No, I don't expect everyone to feel the same as me or understand the joy this brings me. No, not all aros are aro due to trauma.

But yes ALL aros are valid and legitimate and deserve to be celebrated!!!

[zombie-jed]

Aro week! My flags ^^ 😛

[our-arospec-experience]

Greetings fellow aros especially nebularo and quoiro👋

All my life I thought I was plainly aro for being a spot on 'dense' person (i mean dense as in TV trope dense who cannot distinguish flirting from friendly behavior and easily reciprocates the behavior without having romantic intention). I'm still not sure whether or not I am autistic but I don't think I have the luxury to have a formal screening or diagnosis.

Now I came across the term quoiromantic and nebularomantic and I'm wondering if,

Have you discovered you were aro first or did you already know that you are autistic or you have at least some of its symptoms?

(dear Mod, i probably have worded my question weirdly, if you get what i mean, can you ask it in a better way?? Thank you so much 💚)

(can someone answer with elaborate expanations)

(also this could be a poll, i think?)

Thank you again

so what i've gathered from this (and i might be wrong) is this question:

(anon- if I got that wrong let me know and i'll try again)

also, like anon said, feel free to put some explanations below

[aroaceconfessions]

hey so a question for the autistic members of the aroace community!

i am autistic and self-diagnosed. i am aspec. recently got into a series with an autistic character, who i relate to strongly and just really love a lot. i wanted to give this character an aspec identity as a headcanon. however, i saw some people on twitter talking about how people almost always headcanoned autistic characters as aroace and how headcanoning autistic characters as aroace influenced the infantilization of autistic characters. like how some people think that not experiencing romantic or sexual attraction makes you childish and stuff, and how that affects autistic people, who are already often seen as childish. I am aware people in the aro/ace communities experience this as well, but the idea that there is an association between autistic and aspec people that created a negative sterotype got me worried. to be clear, the autistic character isn't the only one in the series or even in general i headcanon as aspec. i make almost all the characters i like aspec.

i am a minor and am worried about getting an official diagnosis for my neurodivergency because of my parents. sometimes i feel like I'm not qualified to give my opinion on neurodivergency or autism because I'm self-diagnosed and a "high-functioning" autistic (I'm aware some people find the low-functioning and high-functioning labels offensive, if anyone could also tell me some alternative terms I'd be grateful).

i also came across the term nebularomantic for people whose romantic orientation is affected by their neurodivergency. I want to ask if it'd be okay for me to headcanon my character as nebularomantic as well as other aroace identities, and your opinion on the supposed association between autistic and aspec people.

Submitted March 20, 2023

[scriv3lloirl]

My personal Little Shop LGBT Headcanons (+ random shit lol) cus it's pride n I can do whatever t'hell I want.

There are tons of microlabels listed here cus I love givin representation t' the lesser known labels out there, includin my own!!

Also I don't wanna hear shit bout how they wouldn't know what half these labels even are. I'm well aware of that, I'm jus havin fun.

tw: f-slur

enjoy n feel free t' ask questions bout my headcanons if ya want ‼️

Seymour Krelborn | he/they

- transgender (ftm)

- biromantic (fluctuatin male-n-female preference)

- nebularomantic

- asexual

- in modern day, he'd probably use nature related xenogenders

- unlabeled Seymour also works tbh. He seems like the kinda guy who'd be overwhelmed by all these labels

Audrey Fulquard | she/her

- transgender (mtf)

- either hetero or panromantic

- demiromantic

- reciprosexual caedsexual

- she wouldn't say all of this if anyone asked, though. She'd probably say she's gay as a general term, y'know?

- Whenever pride comes round, she makes these beautiful bouquets t' sell that are discreet pride flags. It looks like a bunch'a pretty colors, but nope. Secret lesbian flag.

Orin Scrivello | he/him (maybe it/its too)

- transgender (ftm)

- biromantic (hella internalized homophobia)

- hypersexual.

- aegosexual n/or fraysexual

- he keeps his sexuality n all that locked t'fuck DOWN. He got lucky cus his top scars healed beautifully n ya can't tell he even had any surgeries done.

- If anyone even mentions being gay round him, he suddenly gets very defensive. "Who t'hell are ya callin a faggot?!"

- He has no issues with gay people, he'll tell ya that straight up. But he is not one of them, y' hear? (He is.)

Gravis Mushnik | he/him

- cisgender man

- hetroflexible (biromantic)

- heterosexual

- All gay customers get a discount on flowers. (He jus says that n has Seymour put up a sign in the window for it ...There's no discount btw.)

Twoey / Audrey II | she/it

- agender

- acearo REPULSED

- please do not fuck the plant

- triple a threat.

Crystal | she/her

- cisgender female

- sapphic

- asexual

- Random headcanon, but all the Urchins are aliens (cousin Twoey.) They jus spawned into Skid Row one day n nobody questioned it.

Ronnette | she/he/them (any)

- gender non conformin (gnc)

- neptunic

- aceflux

- fem presentin.

- Chat I've seen like three productions where they have Ronnie played by a dude n it altered my brain chemistry.

Chiffon | she/her

- cisgender female

- lesbian

- acespec

- she is a man hatin lesbian.

Frank Guest | he/him

- cisgender male

- mlm

- nebulasexual + graysexual

- def. has the hots for Seymour.

Arthur Denton | he/it (that/thats)

- cisgender male

- panromantic

- homosexual

- ambiamorous

- I saw someone headcanon that he has a wife n kids n that he's jus a big ol jokester who moans in the dental chair!! I think bout that all the time.

- Nobody wants his freaky ahh.

Mrs. Mack | she/her

- cisgender female

- lesbian

- dating Mrs. Luce cus fuck you guys

Mrs. Luce | she/her

- transgender (mtf)

- lesbian

- dysphorsexual

- in a lavender marriage with Mr. Luce (aka. the editor of Life Magazine (who's a gay man)) she's actually datin Mrs. Mack

Mr. Bernstein | he/him

- cisgender male

- polymantic

- homosexual

- "Seymour, sweetheart, dollface, bubalah..." Yea. Y'ur gay.

Skip Snip | he/him

- cisgender male

- aromantic

- homosexual

- "It's nice to meet me, the pleasure is yours!" Yeah. Welcome t' Homoville buddy.

Patrick Martin | he/him

- cisgender male

- heterosexual

- homophobic.

- I don't like Patrick Martin. so he's a cishet.

Wink Wilkinson | he/him

- cisgender male

- panromantic

- asexual

- He'd be the kinda guy who'd wear "Free Hugs!" shirt at pride n give out really cringy pride stickers like "I'm a Pan-da!!" N shit t' the people he interviews on the radio. He's great.

[aroace-people-are-lgtbq]

Do you know if there is an aromantic microlabel that has to do with your aromanticisim being related to mental illness?

I know there are a few identies that relate to neurodivergence, but I can't find any that just relate to mental illness.It might be good to explore the two I listed below to see if they fit

Neuroromantic: "a romantic orientation on the aromantic spectrum that describes when one's romantic attraction is in some way linked to one's neurodivergence, mental illness, or neurological conditions" (LGBTQIA+ Wiki)

Nebularomantic: "a romantic orientation on the aromantic spectrum. It is described when one is unable to or has a hard time distinguishing romantic attraction from platonic attraction due to being neurodivergent." (From Aromantics Wiki)

Feel free to do your own research though. I've put some other sources.

Other places

-Mod Ama

[spoonie-system]

Intro post + Boundaries

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We’re collectively transmasc, enby, cupiosexual, aegosexual, nebularomantic, a nocismasexual, a demimspeclesboy, and xenogender; specific labels depend on front.

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[alpinezro]

if i said the word nebularomantic around anyone i know irl theyd maul me for overthinking and microlabeling but this has been a genuine lifelong struggle for me. ive like actually ruined multiple good friendships because of it. i want a romantic relationship so bad but i feel like i dont have the right mental anatomy for it. ive been aware of this for a few years and despite my efforts and therapy im no better at distinguishing between platonic and romantic at 18 than i was at 5!!! at some point after my breakup i just gave up and banned myself from approaching romance at all. its easier to just bury it, i feel dysfunctional honestly

btw no hate to microlabels i lov mocrolables never be ashamed to microlabel youarsf #awesome

[pwurrz]

hiiii happy aro awareness week to my fellow ailuromantics!!!

for those who don’t know ailuromantic is an arospec term for cat kinnies who feel that they like to flirt just for the fun of it, but not out of attraction! i feel like me being nebularomantic pairs with my ailuromantism

[seraphic-sapphic-safehaven]

Arospecs whose arospec identities are influenced by negative experiences, trauma, disability, or neurodivergency are super valid and remarkably strong! I’m talking about acoromantics, caedromantics, requisromantics, adfecturomantics, arovagues, and nebularomantics!! To these arospecs, don’t let exclusionary and ableist people get you down. Your orientation is just as real and valid as anyone else’s, and you deserve to feel loved and accepted! You’re all such awesome people, and I wish you only the best things in this life!

[rolaplayor101]

It's about to be Arospec Awareness Week so I thought I'd bring this back

(This time making my own post so peeps will see it)

Ben Tennyson is aro, and here's why

Ben could be idemromantic, which is experiencing romantic attraction and platonic attraction the same and distinguishing them by using other factors, or quoiromantic/wtfromantic, which is being unable tell the difference between romantic attraction and other forms of attraction, such as platonic, aesthetic, and sensual. If you believe Ben is autistic, which also is widely supported by canon, then he'd be nebularomantic, which is being unable to or having a hard time distinguishing romantic attraction from platonic attraction due to ones neurodivergency. See also Arovague: which is aromanticism that is heavily influenced by neurodivergency. This becomes clear when he's on that double date with Ester. He doesn't act any different from when he's just hanging out by himself or with Kevin, Gwen, and Rook. He also lies about doing homework to Julie so he can watch TV(though it could also be that he finished it already and was relaxing but that wasn't confirmed or denied) which he doesn't seem to think as anything huge. Its much more acceptable to lie to a friend about not hanging out than to a girlfriend, but he doesn't understand that and treats them all the same.

He's also a perfect example for many arospec identities. And I'll be going through them one by one.

Lithromantic: feeling romantic attraction until it is reciprocated/does not want it reciprocated

Ben only feels romantic attraction to Julie for a little while until they start seriously dating. After the dance/Big Chill episode, Ben's romantic attraction starts to fade by a lot. He still likes her platonically, but he's not into the romance aspect anymore. Even in the Big Chill episode they don't have any explicitly romantic moments- just a hug. Once he realizes that Julie doesn't feel attracted to him anymore, his attraction flares up again. He doesn't chase after her once she says she's serious about the French guy, because he knew he wasn't going to be able to be serious with her even if they were to get back together.

Recipromantic: feeling romantic attraction only when it's reciprocated.

Ester's turn! When Rook brings up the fact that Ester was flirting with Ben when they first met, he suddenly gets excited, saying "you think i have a shot with her?". The thought hadn't crossed his mind the entire episode but once he thinks she likes him his attraction flares up. Even with Eunice, he definitely finds her aesthetically attractive, but he only starts showing attraction(flirting with her), after she shows attraction first (smiling and moving her hair behind her ear while staring into his eyes). I know this is the exact opposite of lithro but we'll get to that.

Bellusromantic: A person who is fine with and enjoys flirting/cuddling/romantic things, but does not desire a relationship or feel romantic attraction.

After finding out that he and Kai are together in the future from Spooner, he starts flirting with her. He never makes any move to actually seriously ask her out, though, only enjoying teasing her. He likes the idea of being with someone but he knows in actuality that it's not something he wants or can handle. (He's changed the future a number of times, so its possible he's not worried about what Spooner said at all. He knows theirs a ton of dif realities)

That leads us to the final term. For all those asking "how can he be all those at once?" Well I got a word for you! It's because he's

Aroflux: romantic orientation fluctuates but is always aligned with the aromantic spectrum.

Ben's perfect rep for this! Basically, its fluctuating through different aromantic identities and or going from romance favorable to romance repulsed to romance neutral. As I've described, He's the former. He feels romantic attraction but not for very long and only under specific circumstances. This doesn't mean he never really liked/loved them, or that he's not actually feeling romantic attraction. He's definitely felt it for these women, and there's no need to demean that. Be that as it may, he's still arospec, and this is why I consider him canonically aroflux. He's def not apothiromantic (romance repulsed aromantic), but he's definitely aromantic most of the time.

So anyway. Ben Tens aro. Aphobes dont interact.

[w1ll0zfak3]

(Zens ooc ag <3. I am aware this is my actual user, fight me.)

Okay so im Nebularomantic

That means I can't understand the difference of platonic and romantic actions very well due to nurodivergency.

My autism sillys is the reason I can't understand the difference.

But I did just make out with a girl so now I have a girlfriend.

*yippie sounds*

js figured out my sexuality (a bit) and you’re all fucked.

[mysterious-sludge]

What is the “I would like to smoke weed and spend time with this nice haired fellow” equivalent of a crush? Is this a squish?

[funnyhalflifeai]

Think Benrey would like to smoosh his face into people he cares for like a funny cat :]

[stimmylgbt]

Nebularomantic: A feeling that one cannot distinguish between romantic attraction and platonic feelings due to neurodivergence.

❤ ❤ ❤ / ⚪ ⚪ / 🌌 🌌 🌌

[faeriearo]

arospecs be like [are cool and lovely]