#NOT A JOKE

[yusulicious]

Send me a letter telling me that, that's when it gets real. Literally

[paper-mario-wiki]

hey i keep getting uncensored teen titans porn ads on tumblr. why?

[pendragon1400]

Phineas and Ferb really came along and just changed the entire concept of cartoons huh

[peepeepoopoo8008135]

maddie peer pressured me into this i am HELD AT GUNPOINT this is not a joke CALL 911

@sasharcyreal ^.^

[theboredvoid]

they only slightly hurt to chew but arent worth it for having to pick pieces out of your teeth for days afterward

so once me and my wife were watching a documentary where a snake ate like a million eggs. that snake just went to fucking town on eggs. and the snake made the eggs look so good that i kept thinking about it, and thinking about it, and thinking about it, and eventually it was 11pm and i ran out of willpower and decided to eat one (1) singular raw egg just to prove to myself that the snake was surely a liar.

the snake was not a liar. texture is like, super important to me and raw eggs are very Texture so i had another one, and then another one, and then another one, and eventually i ran out of eggs.

i had like, fifteen raw eggs.

i didnt really know how to explain this momentary madness to my wife, so my Plan was to put all the eggshells into a grocey bag, and then throw that grocery bag in the dumpster, and if she never noticed that would be Excellent and if she noticed immediately i could lie and say that the eggs went bad.

except i cant lie very good, and of course with murphys law being such, i got salmonella.

so i threw up a lot and my wife asked me what poisoned me so and i tried very hard to dodge the question but i was oozing shame like oil from a room temperature cheese and eventaully i gave in and told her everything and to her enormous credit she was more flabbergasted than actually upset. she did make me promise to not eat any more raw eggs, which i have stuck to, and she gives me weird looks during nature documentaries now as if desire was the only thing keeping me from eating thousands of pounds of krill anyway i made a joke earlier about being able to eat my age in eggs and my sister in law in law made a drawing to comemorate the moment and also because it was my birthday. she's excellent. thank you 10000000% @cintailed. you should all visit her page and admire her work.

[sophiefoster942]

#Let sophie Elizabeth Foster stab someone in book ten

[the-witchhunter]

DP x DC: No Time for Monkey Business

Danny’s family is gone. His parents, Jazz... 

Danny had come home to Fenton works only to find the place tossed and ransacked, the portal broken, and his family missing. Danny doesn’t know who to trust, but he needs to find his family and whoever took them. He can’t do it on his own though, He needs help. He needs a detective, and who better to help then the greatest detective in the world...

Bobo T. Chimpanzee aka Detective Chimp

For those of you unfamiliar with Detective Chimp, he is canonically the best detective in the world, better than Batman who is merely the best human detective. His skills include being able to speak to any living creature, eternal youth, hyperintelligence, incredible deductive skills, occult knowledge, and alcoholism

okay, the alcoholism isn’t a skill bit it’s wild he’s an alcoholic in canon. His entire lore is frankly wild, including Rex the Wonder Dog and the fountain of youth plus a court case that examined the implications of him being an animal owning his own business and making contracts. The ape has been in a surprising amount of team ups, from Batman, to the Shadowpact, and is in the regular rotation of Justice League Dark

He owns a magic sword called the Sword of Night, and is sassy with a sort of dry humor. Honestly kind of similar to constantine in some ways.

And Danny should play the Watson to his Sherlock. 

[biscuitdragonwithastick]

I love the smut I write but I can’t masturbate to it 😔. I’m a victim of cringe culture. Can’t do it without feeling like I’m stroking my own ego.

*ba dum tss*

[facts-i-just-made-up]

Like fine, add a fucking gimmick to our dashboards, nothing new for tumblr, but THEY PUT IT OVER THE FUCKING REBLOG BUTTON.

[cb-writes-stuff]

Kill me now!

[blondeslovebbc]

fell down the stairs if anyone wants to feel bad for me

[purplebehittindifferent]

I have one Hatsune Miku song that’s on a certain playlist (the only one I have downloaded) and the funniest glitch I’ve ever encountered happens DAILY.

Every time I’m listening to said playlist, if I open tumblr while it plays, the song it’s on completely stops for a few seconds, and it skips to the Hatsune Miku song. Every time. Without fail.

Is hatsune miku possessing my phone via tumblr???? Is she trying to reach me????

[evilrwbyfan]

[bootlegviolatwelfthnight]

My college roommate woke me up at six in the morning on a Tuesday, shouting my name and shaking me awake.

"Y/N, get up and pack a bag. he's almost here."

I moved my hot pink eye mask from over my eyes to look at her, and I I batted my sleepy cerulean orbs in confusion.

"who's here?" I asked.

"I sold you."

WHAT?!?!?! I jumped out of bed, and tossed off my Weezer branded pajama set, before throwing on a My Chemical Romance t-shirt and a pair of jeans.

"you're joking!"

She was in fact not joking.

"Pack a bag. I'm selling you to pay for DoorDash."

I grabbed my Weezer branded suitcase, and threw a couple of my awesome band t-shirts into it, along with my copy of the Catcher in the Rye. But I was still confused.

"Who did you sell me to?"

Suddenly, we heard a knock at the door, and my roommate went to open it. Standing there, in front of us, was Duke Orsino of Illyria.

"Hello. I'm here to pick up Y/N."

And that's the story of how my college roommate sold me to Duke Orsino.

[poutycowboy]

i love funny men, hahahaiwantyourbabieshahah