#My heart feels so empty

[perunatie]

You know how something really bothers you but you don't know if you want to talk about it to anyone or nah.. That's me tonight

[shadowtraveled]

"mithrun is the only real monsterfucker in dungeon meshi" is objectively the funniest bit you can get out of his everything, but in all seriousness i think his attraction to his love interest is deliberately overstated—and that makes sense, because romantic jealousy is a classic and digestible motive, which is explicitly what kabru was aiming for in condensing mithrun's backstory, and also because until chapter 94, mithrun wasn't willing to admit to the true nature of his desires.

but because romantic envy is both classic and digestible, it probably isn’t a unique enough or complicated enough desire to tempt a demon’s appetite. mithrun’s wish, as far as we can figure from kabru’s reduced retelling, was to have a life in which he had never become one of the canaries, and that carries like 3857 implications and desires within it. that’s delicious. his love interest acts as sort of a red herring to his motivation for making it, though. (side note: i'm saying "love interest" here because, keeping in mind that i barely speak japanese on a good day anymore, "想い人" is something i'd usually take as just kind of an old-fashioned and romantic way to refer to a lover, but in context i wonder if both the connotation of yearning and the vagueness are intentional, and i think this phrasing gets those aspects of it more effectively. anyway.)

mithrun considered his love interest to be untrustworthy. there was a minute where i thought that comment might be about a similar-looking elf (yugin, one of his squad members), but comparing the two…

the "sketchy" arrow is definitely referring to the elf we know as his love interest—the bangs go toward her right, she only has the one forehead ornament, and, most notably, her ears aren't notched.

every time she’s given a full-body depiction in his dungeon, she’s drawn as a chimera, with the body of a snake from the waist down. (side note: the “what if a dungeon has chimeras before reaching level 4?”/“then the dungeon lord is unstable” exchange just being mithrun grilling his past self alive is so funny. he’s so. but anyway) there are a couple things about this.

first, the snake part of the chimera appears to be modeled after some species of coral snake mimic

which, in the biology-for-fun manga, i… doubt is a coincidence, especially with the added context of the “untrustworthy” comment. the dungeon’s conjured illusion of mithrun’s love interest was a harmless copycat of a venomous original. for whatever reason, he felt this person was a threat and made up a "safe" version of her to be in a relationship with, and while it’s definitely possible to be attracted to or even love someone you find to be toxic and/or intimidating, when you take that into consideration alongside the configuration of her body, you get some interesting implications.

which brings us to our second point: if we assume that mithrun was not in fact fucking a snake, then sexual attraction, at least, was so far removed from his idea of a relationship with this person that he did not even bother to keep her dungeon copy human enough to maintain the illusion of the option of a sexual relationship. this is somewhat echoed in the depictions of their interactions, which also imply a frankly unexpected romantic distance. she kisses his cheek and he doesn't seem to react; she's at the edge of a narrow bed with only one set of pillows, on top of his blankets while he's underneath them.

the kiss is particularly interesting because it seems to contrast the text. kabru's narration tells us this was everything mithrun could have asked for, but mithrun is there looking unreadable to pensive, likely because this is right before the panel that makes it clear things in the dungeon are beginning to go wrong.

walking through this backwards for a minute, we have the physical barrier of his bedding and the spatial separation inherent in a bed made for one person, the emotional barrier of his mounting anxiety getting in the way of his ability to enjoy the affection he sought, and... the snake, which historically carries the connotation of temptation, yes, but also mistrust, barring physical intimacy. okay. ok. if a dungeon reflects the mentality of its lord, all of this might suggest that mithrun was not able to have any real desire for a relationship with this person. his unwillingness to be vulnerable or let another person in was insurmountable. but in that case, why was she such a focal point that she remained to the end, after his dungeon had stopped creating iterations of his friends to come and visit him? why would he get so upset over her meeting with his brother that he became lord of a dungeon about it?

well. mithrun's brother was also interested in her, probably genuinely. and mithrun had to win.

you have an older brother who your parents completely ignore, probably in part because he is chronically ill/disabled and almost definitely in part because he received a ton of recessive traits that resulted in rumors that he was an illegitimate child. you are aware, most likely because those same parents fucking told you, that you actually are an illegitimate child. but they keep you around because you had the good fortune of looking just like your mother. what can that possibly teach you but that you, like your brother, are disposable?

it's utterly unsurprising that mithrun, under these circumstances, developed a pathological need to be better than everyone around him. people don't keep you otherwise. i'd argue this is also why he says he looked down on everyone he knew while milsiril claims his dungeon reeked of feelings of inferiority—he sought out people's worst traits and prioritized them in his mind to protect his already extremely fragile sense of self-worth, and all the while he tried to be as likable and high-performing as he possibly could be. his parents disposed of him anyway, but even then he tried to keep up the performance. he was kind to everyone. he never once lost to a dungeon.

when he saw his "love interest" meeting up with his brother, what he saw was himself being replaced by a person his parents had always treated as worthless, and if that was what they thought of the child they'd kept, what value could anyone possibly see in the bastard they'd given away to die? mithrun and kabru tell the story like he wanted to win this unnamed elf's heart, but it was never about being with her. it was about cementing his worth, proving that he didn't deserve to be thrown away.

and so it's particularly cruel that his demon discarded him, too. but maybe it's also particularly gentle that, in the end, there was someone who refused to even consider giving up on him.

kui laid it out in three panels better than i could hope to.

yeah. it's love. you wanted to be loved, even when the only way you were able to understand it was through the desire to be wanted, and you wanted that so badly that the idea of being consumed felt like the promise of finally mattering to someone.

[eff-exor]

you’re on death row and for your last meal you shall eat my ass

[housederiva]

I just beat Veilguard for the first time after about 100 hours, I give it a 5.7/10. I would’ve enjoyed it more if I hadn’t loved Dragon Age since 2009 and had this story not been one of the cornerstones of my life since I was a child

[blamemma]

i think the trickiest thing now, is the wait. every little thing makes me wanna bawl my eyes out right now, but the precipice that i feel i'm standing on, flip-flopping from it's over, to god there may be the slightest bit of hope, every hour or so is cruel. i'm riddled with anxiety. i chuck my phone on my bed and swear not to look at it for an hour, but the itch of what if lingers. i don't expect an announcement today to be fair, because i want daniel to rest, process, and be able to go into this "meeting" and ask for whatever he wants to ask for. if he wants to fight, have the energy to fight. if he wants to step away, be able to do it with some dignity. but if red bull make us all wait until the end of this break. that's cruel. it's so undoubtedly cruel. the kindest thing, in this fucking shitstorm, that they could do, is just pull the knife out.

[kiivg]

.“You know me, I can be impulsive.”.

[a1m05t-en0ugh]

I’ve finally realized my problem.

I am lonely.

It’s a simple as that. I’m just very very lonely.

[front-facing-pokemon]

[gummi-ships]

Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth by Sleep - A Fragmentary Passage

[blue-lollipops-and-ice-clouds]

(Source - the amazing sirensrepeat)

[dent-de-leon]

Do not think I'll get over the fact that Molly encourages the idea that he's always had a string of lovers, lets people believe he goes off with someone new or visits brothels every night, and the whole thing is just...just because he doesn't want anyone to find out he's got this bleeding heart.

That his "choir practice" is him risking his life to save some strangers he's never met. That he's this compassionate, fiercely loyal protector who believes, "The truth is...How do I put this...the world is harsh and cruel, and I don't seem to be able to just walk on by."

That he has this reputation for being a shameless flirt with countless partners, and just...as far as we know, he only ever had one relationship. And after she died, he carried her cards and wore her coat every day, kept her close to his heart and never said a word about it. Not until he admits to Yasha that he's lonely, that he wishes he still had someone. The way Molly is grieving and mourning a partner just like Yasha, and no one ever knew.

The way Lucien couldn't believe that Jester found him "dreamy," the way people only ever saw him as a demon and monster for so long. Waking up as Kingsley and still looking for the love he lost. Still falling for Caleb. Tealeaf keeping so much close to the chest, afraid to let himself be too vulnerable. Only ever trusting his heart with a few. Wanting so badly to be good, to be loved, to be whole. Worshipping the goddess of love herself. Writing down, "Love. It binds us. It frees us. What more needs be said?"

[naamahdarling]

Augh

[shield-and-saber]

i think it hurts so much because, as great as this ep was, there was no closure. osha killed sol, but did she get a word in? was she able to really process it? osha is our audience stand-in. if she can't process it, then neither can we, y'know??

[uwusayssnake]

Chapter 206

[dieno-tsuki]

watched the entire Alien Stage series and sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, what the actual fuck

[t8oo]

there is some symbolism iv never considered in that one episod of pt5 where zenigata rescues fujiko before she kills lupin