#My brain needs stopping I hate it here
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Me: Damn, I got so many fics I gotta finish
Also Me: New idea, Jaime Lannister as Wyatt Earp AU
#Help I been watching the Wyatt Earp thing on Netflix#Now I got ideas I don't need#My brain needs stopping I hate it here#Jaime Lannister#Game of Thrones#Fanfiction#Game of Thrones fanfiction#writer problems#fanfiction writing
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"Stop saying Crowley won't help Aziraphale in S3 he'd go back to him in a HEARTBEAT and nothing would stop him" I get it no one likes the idea of Crowley being bitter after what happened for a long period of time but like can we at least acknowledge that he's currently going through probably the most emotional pain in his life since falling? Can we agree that he's opened his heart entirely - something you couldn't pay him to do unless the world is literally ending and he's desperate - to Aziraphale, and got shot down? Can we understand that he did it AGAIN only to lose Aziraphale again? Not that what Aziraphale did isn't without Crowley's own shortcomings (hiding the truth of Heaven's cruelty from him) but like,,,,
The appeal here isn't Scorned Crowley Doesn't Love Aziraphale Anymore, or Never Wants To Help Him Again, the appeal here is Crowley learning enough self respect to not just walk back right to Aziraphale like nothing happened after Aziraphale has had a pattern of consistently refusing him. Going years ping-ponging between "We're not friends I don't even know him" to "That's what friends are for right?" and "We're friends, why would you even say anything?" and "Friends? We're not friends. We are an angel and a demon!"
Like I get it, Crowley is a heartbreakingly forgiving person. Of course he's gonna forgive Aziraphale, I'll be surprised if he didn't forgive him by the time he walked out the bookshop door, but gdi he could at least grant himself the luxury of being at least a little irritated for longer than however long it takes to make a globe and some books float and angrily cry out to God in his flat. But due to the change of pace and dynamic that is establishing part of the conflict for Season 3, I just really like the idea of him for ONCE prioritizing himself and being like "Okay, fine. We'll get back at it when you're ready, then," instead of just taking Aziraphale back like his words and actions meant nothing to him, when clearly they have an effect on him.
What is Aziraphale going to learn if Crowley just accepts what he did so quickly, like he always has the entire time they've been friends? Idk maybe I'm just projecting too much darkness on their dynamic but I mean, if the pattern of Aziraphale pushing Crowley away/disrespecting him one day and then being fine with his friendship the next + Crowley never stopping to be like "Hey, that's not cool, at least give me a little credit" or smth was fine all along and will continue to be fine in the future, then why, after 6,000 years of being friends and loving this demon, can Aziraphale still not accept that Crowley is just fine the way he is, and instead got excited to promote him to an angel in a heartbeat once the opportunity presented itself? You can't blame all of it on Heaven when Aziraphale has demonstrated his free will/defiance to Heaven so many times. Or, I don't know, I guess maybe we can? Maybe I'm just craving too much angst to the point where I'm letting it cloud my analysis of canon. Idk.
#derpy speaks#good omens#good omens 2#no i dont think crowley is gonna ever hate aziraphale for what happened but he's allowed to be angry#he's allowed to be done with it all. he's allowed to be exhausted. just look at his face when he drives away.#meh. idk. but i dont know how i'll feel if crowley just INSTANTLY accepts aziraphale back in a situation involving#idk - ''hey help me stop the new apocalypse''#at least. without like. SOME pushback? it can even be something small like ''are you SURE you want ME to help you? do you really need me?''#doesnt have to be a straight refusal but i'd like SOME kind of action to show that crowley is putting his foot down for once#he deserves that self respect#do NOT reply saying that im insinuating that aziraphale is actively malicious or doing it on purpose.#everything he has done up until now is his own complicated response to all the trauma and guilt he's been through#but despite that crowley is STILL allowed to be upset... it's messy. i can write a whole paper about how this whole thing#is just unfortunate on both ends. again. we didnt get queerbaited we got communication baited š#but help me out here. am i just too fandom-brained to have these expectations from the story?#is there something obvious im missing that is making me sound like a complete asshole here? do i need to get my head out of the gutter?#someone please explain it to me if so because whatever it isā i can't find it#not queued
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john and dave doodles. feeding a dying nation (pepsicola shippers)
#anyone here also a fan of hopelessly in love crushing Dave and oblivious John#they won't stop infecting my brain lately#i need them dead#why are they in boxes? because I hate them#dave strider#john egbert#pepsicola#johndave#davejohn#home2t4ck#homestuck#artists on tumblr
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If there are a million Reeve Carney as Orpheus fans in the world, I am one of them. If there are only two Reeve Carney as Orpheus fans in the world, I am one of them (Eva Noblezada is the other). If there are no Reeve Carney as Orpheus fans in the world, Eva Noblezada and I are dead š
#hadestown#hadestown obc#reeve carney#eva noblezada#seriously im sick and fucking tired of the reeve carney hate on tiktok#'jordan fisher is the only orpheus that matters' 'jordan fisher shouldve originated orpheus on bway'#'they should replace the obc recording with jordan fisher' 'jordan fisher was the best thing to ever happen to hadestown'#shut up!!!!!!!#i adore jordan fisher but you are missing the point of theatre and hating on reeve in the process!!!!!#you can have a favorite but that doesnt mean the actors who are not your favorite shouldnt exist in that role!!!!!#but also your favorite is wrong!!!!#reeve carney brought more autistic swag to orpheus than anyone could possibly recreate!!!#he was naive he was soft spoken he was unaware of social expectations!!!!!#jordan fisher has such a raw powerful voice and thats not what orpheus needs!!!!! hes just a lil guy!!!!#hes just a lil guy who accidentally had a battle of the bands with the devil and won#because he has nothing in his brain except sing and love his girlfriend!!!!!#i love jordan fisher in everything ive ever seen him in and i adore his voice but please stop putting other actors down#im not a huge fan of the way jonjon briones plays hermes but im not out here talking shit about him!!@#or saying he should never have had the part in the first place#(btw i was joking about the 'your favorite is wrong' thing because - again - literally defeats the point of theatre)#please find ways to say that jordan fisher is your favorite without putting reeve carney down#and also please give reeve carney a chance and dont dismiss him just because he is less conventionally attractive#and hip in popular media and on social media#please give the role a chance for what it is and not just which actor you already like#i was pissed when i first found out they were taking damon daunno out for the obc and adding reeve#the only thing id ever seen or heard him in at that point was the live action rocky horror with laverne cox#and he was fucking riffraff#i was mad!!! i didnt think he could do it!!! but i love the show and i gave him a chance and now hes my all time favorite#between both touring casts ive seen and the pre bway cast recording and jordan fisher#just please stop being mean and give him a chance
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Thinking about a character model height sheet from the TAS BTS book that had magneto be 6ā10 and charles 4ā8 when seated like girl ā¦ā¦ā¦.. why the fuck ā¦ā¦. greedyā¦.
#snap chats#if i say anything ill be kicked out of this thester#evidently hes a lot more READONABLY sized in everything else but im never getting over this#also i had to stop this post mid type cause they showin the superman trailer ā¦.. i fear im already seated for this movie ā¦#this aint bout that tho superman ily but im insane postin rn ANYWAY#WHY ARE YOU SO TALL STOP#6ā10 IS EGREGIOUS also i HAVE. to clarify this isnt magnetoās height in general. i thinkā¦ā¦..#if it is i need to hit him with an axe what the fuck stop 6ā10 is GREEDY#ik charles is meant to be 6ā1 when standing. and 4ā8 when not ā¦..#either way ā¦ā¦. hes not small eriks just a goliath apparently š#the model sheet this was for was for that one xmen movie with kitty ???#i was actually gonna watch that a couple days ago but i was busy with schoolwork so i pushed it aside#maybe ill watch that sunday ā¦ or while im on the train to the city tomorrow idk#ok anyway im gonna sit here and think of their egregious height and body type difference while i wait for this movie#it was supposed to start half an hour ago dawg i HATE āmovie start timesā like dont fuckin lie to me#oh of COURSE AS SOON AS I START BITCHING THE MOVIE STARTS OK BYE#they didnt want my brain on BULLSHIT OK BYE FR MOVIE TIME DOEISSJ
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I can't continue like that
I NEED ITALIAN INJECTED INTO MY BRAIN
#why can't i do same thing as i did with English#i need to get some basics and then just start reading fics and stuff#BUT I SUCK AT GETTING BASICS#the worst part - it's all because of these fuckers#vr46 academy#i need to explode them with my mind so i can stop thinking about Italian#but i want to know it sooooooo bad#i hate it here(in my brain)#maybe if i cut on my English fics and only find stuff in Italian.... hmmmmm#anyway someone please share a bit of Italian with me bc i know three words rn
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Maybe Iāll finally Wanze post soon
#as in a more official lore post like holt awol and sonderbar got#ALSO IM SO SO SORRY I STILL AM GONNA ANSWER THOSE INBOX ASKS J SWEAR#Wanze is on the mind there is bugs in my brain!!! wow just like holt huh#their relationship is wild to me they go from barely knowing each other (occasional hallway acquaintances)#to Wanze essentially having the equivalent of a bag of bricks dropped onto her head#which needs a little or a lot of patching up and Holt does that for her#actually hmmm I wonder if I should more visibly leave some marks of The Oopsie on her face#apart from the permanently broken biores crystals#gotta think on thatā¦#anyway I was especially Thinkin about how Wanze really does resent Holt for a while#itās complicated itās not completely Holtās fault#like she canāt control what happened she canāt bring back her bioresonance sheās a medical eule not a miracle worker#sheāll never really understand what it felt like to be part of that mind link#and that leads to some insensitivity on Holtās part bc sheās really trying to keep Wanze from decommission here#and Wanze! why are you moping you gotta act normal!! Come on Wanze!#neither of them really get each other bc theyāre both not stopping and listening like they need to#but they eventually do#also fun Wanze fact but post head trauma fixup she still has to/wants to go to the kolibri library#for stabilization yknow (sheās a nerdddd <3)#however itās weird and she hates it bc her fellow kolibris are there.#she does not sing the same song anymore and sticks out like a sore thumb when theyāre together now :(#she goes at really weird hours when no one else is there to make sure she doesnāt have to see them#Holt sometimes is able to get ahold of books for her#consider them cuddling together reading#that is all#blorbo tag#wanze#holt#Kolibug
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Ahhhh well if it isnāt my old friend, the crushing feeling of never truly being understood despite your endless attempts to articulate yourself, paying me another visit
#I say paying a visit#but in reality itās kinda always there#I actually hate being like this sometimes#I literally cannot drop something until people understand#otherwise it feels like Iām physically being ripped apart from the inside#and it makes me insufferable#I hate it#I was having such a good day as well#itās not my fault people donāt get it#but I canāt stop until they do and it never. fucking. happens.#I get irrationally worked up about the smallest things and all people do is laugh#yeah I get it#itās funny that Iām so upset about something so stupid#but please stop#Iāve been in therapy my whole life to āmake me more tolerantā and Iāve reached my limit. I canāt get any more tolerant#but that means I rely on people being understanding to avoid these situations#but alas#god forbid people actually take some accountability and accept that MAYBE they might be making it worse#and the fucking cycle repeats itself#if you couldnāt tell Iām not having a great time here. hopefully at least one person on the autism website can relate to my autism struggles#Iām ok. just needed to vent. but if anyone wants to send any fun asks as a distraction Iād appreciate it#oh this silly little brain of mine#just autism things#actually autistic
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Feeling like it's time to blow my brains out I need to lock tf in before I get kicked out of college cause my gpa so low I'm so much better than this I was a honors student man why am i ruining my life what the hell am I doing I used to balance the party girl lifestyle so much better but than it just started to be me waiting for the next high I need get a grip
#d3pression#sorry for being depressing#depressing shit#i want to be dead#pathetic loser#why am i still here#why am i alive#bpd#bipolor#slef harm#d3ath#i need a xanax#anxienty#im tweaking#ruining my life#drug addikt#addiction#wasting time#wasting away#this is all my fault#i need this to stop#im pathetic#i hate my brain#i hate my existence#i can do better#i used to be better#coke lines#cokegirls#ketamene#alcoholism
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one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just donāt want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you canāt
#and that youāre a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap#bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why canāt you??? cause theyāre bETTER THAN YOU#lol idk why my head is so bad today#the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i canāt stop it#i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!!#but i Canāt and i havenāt liked anything iāve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do#oh and now iām crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse#sorry guys needed to rant#the inadequacy was strong today#something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how iām whiny for asking them to be respectful and like#i Know i shouldnāt compare myself to my friends but gosh itās hard when theyāre all like. so much better than me.#and i donāt have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like iām watching everything from afar and itās no oneās fault but#my brainās like no one is Doing anything itās just my brain being dumb and i canāt stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like iām#missing a part of myself and like the words i write donāt matter gOD why canāt i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids#who hate me say or realize that no one cares that iām not on much like iām still Here and trying to interact itās not like everyone hates me#for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and justā#sorry#that felt good actually#idk what came over me#imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags#sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i donāt wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh#okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is
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i love psychology classes i love this shit. because i know like everyything but i get to share my opinions on the reading and i LOVE having opinions
#text#i definitely have a bone to pick with a lot of the field of psychology/psychopathology/etc & how it can be stigmatizing & traumatizing etc#for people who are already struggling with complicated and often disabling conditions and circumstances. and brother i'm picking it.#one thing i do hate about where i am like academically is that i know SO MUCH abt these topics but since all my informaiton has been from#therapy or from my own research i AM missing like. key points that i dont really know about. & thge stuff i know is definitely biased#towards things i'm more interested in or things i've researched for myself. but that means i spend like 14 weeks of class alreadty knowing#everytrhing and 2 just fucking speedrunning some section of psychology i knoww nothing about. like neurowhatever stuff i dont#get much at all like the physical brain/biology stuff. i vaguely know what a neurotransmitter is and the frontal lobe is the thing that doe#doesnt stop developing at 25 but everyone thinks it does. and thats all ive really got#like i do definitely need portions of these entry level classes but also ughhhhh. i know what anxiety is sherrie#Also i dont plan on pursuing psychology for like a career atm i just do not think i could handle a lot of jobs int he field and again i#am fairly critical of the field . i don't know enough about like antipsych stuff to have an opinion on that but i know that psychiatrists#often suck ass! and it's great when they dont but they often do. i don't remember what i was saying here
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honestly really need to curb my phone addiction and iāve been looking into dumbphones lately as an alternative for when iām out and about and like. say what you will about brand consumerism but i am a simple man and the barbie phone is calling to me
#NGL i liked the barbie movie i didnāt think it was anything exceptional but it was good#i probably wouldnāt get a whole phone themed around it but it was like the only dumbphone i could find that came in a cute color#and worked with us networks so. idk why not#i have like hundreds of dollars sitting in my account unused from a summer job but the little gollum in the back of my brain#is like thatās My money. that belongs to Me. and it hurts to spend even when i have no actual plans for it#so ditching my phone to stop feeling like iām wasting my adolescence is as good a use as any#in a perfect world i would just stop taking my phone to school but i need music to calm my social anxiety on the walk#and iām not playing games with the american public school system re: having a way to contact people in an emergency#i would feel kinda stupid buying it around now because i already gave my parents my wishlist and i donāt wanna seem ungrateful#but if i do end up buying it maybe iāll do a review on here at some point. it looks really cute and thereās so many things i want to do#that having my phone as a distraction all the time makes difficult. read more learn to skateboard and crochet keep up with my spanish#start on hebrew and maybe arabic. pick up viola again. hang out with my friends finally get a permit and a part time job study for the sat#stop procrastinating my homework all the time!!!#like hate to say it but my mom was right sometimes it really is That Damn Phoneā¢ļø#i donāt want to look back when iām like thirty and go āwow i really threw away my high school yearsā yanno
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Told ya they (for some reason) made, back in 1998, a whole rollercoaster based on 'Blue Tornado' the film with Dirk in it because of course lmao
Pls the font is the fucking same (kinda), the plane is the fucking exact SAME ajdndnsksbs
oh my god what were they thinking?? (thank you so much whoever had this idea in 1998)
#my god this man is hunting my life at this point#sorry i will never stop loving the failed italian top gun guys#ignore my brain consuming itself over this shit i literally cannot help it#thats the reason why i bought all themed merchandise they had#the coaster is really fun even tho it have its years#recently im starting to hate these kind of places even tho i loved them as a kid#mainly cause it triggered my anxiety way too many times#but today brother needed a day off cause hes not having the best time#so here we are screming over the coaster made over a Dirk movie#totally fine behaviour#dirk benedict#blue tornado#blue tornado 1991#i need a statue in his honor there too now
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Is been 80 years, Mother.
new chapter when?
My hyperfixation is thirsty for some fem skk. (._.)
Love you btw.
aaaajdkdzjdke hello anon<3 im glad u like it!! ive had a couple people ask when im gonna update soš¤© some transparency!
i am currently halfway through a law degree that eats up all my time and also the functioning of my brain. i started working on streetlights sept of last year + my writing has improved since, to the point that i Dont Like the older stuff. new chapter wld require me to reread all 123k currently posted words, edit it all for structure+style+continuity, finish a Lot of planning, and then actually write the chapter (and this arc is difficult for Reasons). its just v energy+time consuming. ive got a break in december so i MIGHT get back to it then, if i dont get distracted with other projects which are easier+more fun+also typically more well received. for now: hiatus. i am glad you like it though, i love to hear people are enjoying my stuff <3
OH + side note i KNOWWWW its just a jokey reference but plssšit hasnt even been 6 months since ch24. i dont Need to excuse the time i take for an update, but just . delicate reminder that ur free ao3 fics come from the hands of Just Some Guy. id love to get paid to write fanfiction all day, unforch that would not be legal so. the only thing i get from posting fic is the infrequent engagement of my lovely commenters
#also careful saying femskk too loud around here. someone will hear it mentioned and go on a rampage for no apparent reason#LMAO#anyway. i stopped writing it in july bc i hated it and also it didnt get much engagement so i didnt feel like anyone was missing outš#its got more since then and there are aspects of it that i think are worth writing. so ill get to it. but not rn#its just like. it started as a way for me to practice writing longer form stuff and like. give my brain something to focus on#bc i do love writing. but it started to be more work than reward so. the break was needed and will continue until it isntš#asks#nyxi on writing
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love how people expect to get better.
WHEN LITERALLY NOBODY WILL HELP & NOBODY GIVES A FUCK.
but yeah, totally i can get better
#su!cidal#this is a cry for help#i hate my brain#i cant do this#i cant stop crying#why canāt i just be okay#help plz#i donāt want to be here#bpd problems#i cant handle it#please help#someone help#pls help#send help#help lol#like why#i miss her#i'm dying here#i need her
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i would greatly appreciate if the ocd would stop expanding the limits/shrinking the parameters of my wardrobe so that i could stop having meltdowns about my outfits on a daily basis.
#brain things#ocd#it's like. if my brain decides an item is Nice then we can't wear it bc we'll mess it up and ruin it#we have to wait for a mythical Good Day in order to wear the Ideal Outfit.#god forbid i sweat cry need to pee or feel the slightest bit sick or uncomfortable while wearing a Good Item#then it will be Ruined Forever#this has been a thing for me since i was like. six.#i remember going into my closet and touching a dress i'd deemed Fancy and thinking ''wow so pretty sad i'll never get to wear u''#currently this also extends to if an outfit makes me feel Good about Gender or Myself then i can't wear it out#i'm AWARE it's crazy idk how to stop it i'll ask my therapist next time in the meanwhile i spend a solid 20 min every morning#trying on outfits i'm too scared to wear outside bc that's ''wrong'' somehow#(granted it IS mid-80s here and humid as fuck so lately wearing as little as possible has been the primary goal)#one of the times i saw myself in fiction was in bllb when#they think they've found glendower and gansey is So Upset bc the Vibes Are All Wrong and he's wearing a sweater he hates#i feel u gansey. that is me so often. or vice versa.#when i wear a good outfit and then the day fucking sucks...#somehow it feels like an extra kick in the ribs#like noooooo i was supposed to be invulnerable i wore the Good Shirt!!!
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