#More horrible than usual lol

[add1ctedt0you]

The legend of the condor heroes 2017, Huang Rong

[froggy-nebula]

honestly i just dont get why sometimes people get all weird about quadrants and insist they’re unhealthy always no matter what

like yeah im not stupid i know they CAN be fucked up and can be weird and toxic but so can any romance. human romance has been toxic and fucked up for me many times. tbh if we take a step back and just look at the basic ideas of all of them i don’t think any of those have to be evil and terrible necessarily

like oh no me and my boyfriend have a fun rivalry that we both like being in and both agreed to where we have fun competing with each other and talking shit and then make out! FUCK!!! that’s horrible i would NEVER want that! i would never be guilty of forcing my boyfriend to play tetris with me over and over and insulting him the entire time

oh no my boyfriend has anxiety and i calm him down! oh god we like cuddling and talking about feelings! we both agreed we like this relationship dynamic and feel fulfilled by it! AAA SCARY!!! GET SCARED!!!

oh no sometimes my boyfriends are both annoying and i voluntarily get between that and make people be less annoying! FUCK!!!!!!!! we are going to DIVORCE!!!

[vargaslovinghours]

Vargas IX, now with touch screen capabilities! (1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8)

That’s what it says on the tin....right?

And that’s what we like about him

He wins Rudest, 20th year in a row!

No Russian endearments, this is bullying >:0

Can you tell I was out and about lol, all I had were kids menu crayons and he still turned out cute <3

Their bunnies! It really is lucky that their colours are easy to find in crayons haha

Some vent :( They are always good for it ♥

Don’t want closeness, the hurt is too overwhelming to even touch

Always bothering him when he’s trying to sleep

That could be taken a lot of different ways honestly. Edgar just so done haha

Ahh, that way ♪ I like how the blanket pulled over his head turned out haha, that won’t muffle him at all!

Return of the Style Challenge! An Edgar off the heels of my KoiBo studies, extra hair floof ♫

A quick and silly Fairy!Edgar as a spacefiller; had a glimpse of an AU idea after rewatching Ferngully lol, Zak looks a bit like Jake I think

I actually doodled this one last year but didn’t scan it in until recently :0 - I’d planned to turn it into a minicomic but the page got away from me and turned into something else unrelated haha

Uh oh, Nny brainrot, here it comes

As if he would be worried~

God can’t save me now ♪ Your Boyfriend gives me so many Nny ideas, how dare <3 This song was already Edgar’s (so much) but now it’s his too! How dare!!

More ideas from that^ video, what’s a bit of casual dismemberment intention among friends

That felt-tip makes him twitchy

Uh oh

His nails are so sharp he barely needs to grip to pierce flesh

That was very on-purpose though. His harsh word bubbles really are fun to draw, like they're bolted and nailed together ♪

Poor Edgar :( Not that this would've ended well for him either way, but it's not like he was trying to make it worse! Though, this is probably better, maybe

Ew, gross >:|

Probably nothing that would de-escalate, so. No.

Kinda free-bleeding over here, ow, please stop :(

Oddly gentle touch, considering the literal blood on his hands

Just gonna lightly dig around in your arm, don't worry about it. He's really barely touching him, blood giving his fingertips a smooth glide

He tapped back into his mind and got a bit stuck there, words kinda sorta. Surprisingly it’s not that comforting!

Scriabin is not having a fun day :( Edgar, no, stop excusing him!

"Why did I do that??" Maybe something to do with a waste-lock? :3c

Haha, as soon as they're directly out of danger, Scriabin's right back to sassing him, not so scared or small now huh

"Since you have a habit of collecting scars from him. Stop that, by the way."

Drawing his arm bandaged was just too fun! Bleeding through it, poor lad <3

More missing words, he meant to ask "What are you reading?" but Edgar told him anyway haha. Founder of the modern-day emoticon!

Sad Edgar for some comfort doodles <3 Seems backwards sometimes lol, but if it works!

"Pay attention to me instead of whatever's making you upset." Poor thing, even Scriabin just coming up to him makes him jump

Kisses <3 I really like the one of Edgar trying to dodge him hehe, no kiss! Yes kiss

Always a surprise, somehow

Something nice?? Who is this??? It was all a trick and ploy, don't flatter yourself >:0

Haha, the original Extremely scuffed doodle for this year's personal Vargasversary - as long as Edgar's squished, it all works out!

Wanted to draw Edgar as a pierrot clown out of the blue, he looks so cute! The big fluffy buttons and the floofy collar and eye makeup :D Cute!!

He's no simple clown! He's an complete comedy routine, straightman and fool in one!

But I mean, what does that say towards Scriabin's taste lol, he's already confirmed morosexual so ♪

Back to the Nnyspam, don't mind me

A reasonable request, he's skin and bones anyhow

A reasonable reply! Not an opposition exactly, just would prefer to know what to expect

As much as I can get to Poor Nny haha, he’s just so confused. "How did I get here." Meanwhile, Edgar tries really hard to not get his hopes up lol

Chatting about the weird exchange with Scriabin later - is this something they experienced together and are just talking about now, or did he go to Nny's alone?? Doesn't matter, Scriabin's gonna monologue about it

Haha, Edgar having some kind of Awakening thanks to Nny, again

He's always talking

More blobs! Scriablobin being annoying, of course <3

Went through a Tamagotchi-interest and decided to try and make some 32x32 resolution lads <3 Would take care of them, even if we all know Scriabin would beep even when he doesn’t need anything, he’d definitely run on the Devilgotchi OS lol

Back to the crying-kissing idea, set it down and picked it back up. Both just exchanging mini-barbs, sweet-nothings laced in thorns <3

Hehe they turned out so cute here ♥ Tastes like [soggy bread] and [affection]

An odd one of Edgar telling Scriabin off and manhandling him. Though maybe the latter isn’t as odd haha

I just wanted to doodle Edgar swearing at him haha. What would get him so riled to do so!

Family time, snuggles on the couch <3 Todd's completely enraptured by the glow of the television screen, ignoring cuddle time

*You hear the sound of canoodling in the background

Got a little too loud and got shut down haha

What happened?? Could've sworn they were just all over each other! That was the problem!

Welp, there's February through May again :) It's an ever-slowing momentum, but dang if it wasn't a powerful initial force lol

[adore-gregor]

Lol I keep on doing this, saying I'd come back to tumblr to only disappear again 😂😭

[robinsnest2111]

work related nightmare again woohoo

[girl-bateman]

Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

save me local historical attraction

local historical attraction save me

[toadcircus]

just finished the interview with a vampire series. almost fully drawn back to my young teenage self and how absolutely enthralled i was with the books and film. the series is so much closer to how i picture it all to be, even the starker changes feel truer than parts of the original. lestat is absolutely perfect genuinely feels plucked from the pages. i can feel the familiar comforting obsession within me

[toomanystoryideas]

hangin out with my coworker for the second time ever tomorrow 😎😎😎

[inkykeiji]

CLARI! Hello hello how are you?

There’s this anime I think is VERY much up your alley and I think you would just love to analyze everything about it. It’s called revolutionary girl utena! That being said please google the tw’s before watching it I only started watching it recently and was somewhat aware of them but didn’t google them and one episode (14 I think?) had me like 😧 wtf lol not bc it was particularly triggering for me but it just caught me by surprise!!! But I also have no issue w dark themes If you just google that there should be a link right at the top of the search w a tumblr blog that lists all the tw’s of the show and even breaks it down per episode

(🫣🫣 is it selfish of me to want you to watch it just to see your analysis of it? Even if it’s a 50 page essay I would DEVOUR THAT. That aside it’s also bc I genuinely do think you’ll enjoy it)

hi anon!! <33 i’m okay, super sleepy today hehe

so i looked into it, i’m not 100% sure it would be my thing but i’d be willing to give it a try if it weren’t for the unreality trigger warning. i have suffered from episodes of psychosis in the past and just the short descriptions for the unreality tws made me feel extremely panicky, so i’m not sure if i’d be able to handle that at this current moment in my life.

concepts and topics like that are tricky for me because it really depends on how they’re done, but i’m not sure if i want to risk a panic attack/feeling icky just to see if it’s the case with this piece of art in particular. i might have my boyfriend check it out first and then see what he thinks and if he thinks it’ll be too much for me or not!

i really, really appreciate you being so adamant on checking out the triggers, anon <3 that means so much to me! knowing me, if you hadn’t said anything i would’ve jumped right in and potentially put myself in a very dangerous position.

HAHAHA aw you’re sweet <333 no that makes me feel very flattered!!! very very flattered, and i’m sorry that it might not happen 。ﾟ(ﾟﾉД｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡ we’ll see!!

[cubikzoa]

I think that nature is always some degree of terrifying and strange. We live on a planet with botanical living things that sing to each other where we cannot hear them, weave webs of cooperation with assistance from life-forms that defy human categorization, not flesh but not not flesh either, that can kill and sustain and scramble minds into a soup of colorful revelation, plants that seem to scream to each other when bitten by bugs or metal tools, that recoil with touch, that evolve to better suit their needs and wants with prickled mouths.

Things that can live thousands and thousands of human lifetimes, that saw legendary pieces of the history of our species, and sat content to drink the water and feast on the rot and soil and sun because these things do not concern them. They are but a passing fever-dream to the oldest trees. Their unused oxygen gives us air to breathe, we have always lived in part because of them. They can crack through stone, work apart metal and piping, poison and pierce and provide sweet delights in the form of the casings of their offspring.

They can affect us with beauty and suffocation in the same stroke of pollen and flowers. Stand steadfast amidst earthquakes and disaster. Use the blaze of their progenitor’s death and that of all living things around them as a cradle in their infancy. Of course such things could eat flesh and bone, of course they could take the shape of a dead man like a reliquary and a memory in exchange for the nutrients of the body. Of course they would be regarded as holding up the universe, as homes of the gods, origins of sin and origins of golden healing, carriers of wishes on paper and ribbons, as the earthly bodies of wild gods and spirits. Of course they provide both sweet fruits and delicate flowers, invasive, reaching roots and cruel thorns.

And yet they are indifferent to us. They have their slow pulses of life beneath the bark, they don’t have thoughts and minds and hearts and the trappings of creatures like us. Of course they would not know or care, we are just another thing of nature outside them, like the bark beetle, the little birds, the raindrops and the green vines.

Who are we to say this planet was made for us, or that we are allowed to decide how to shape it? Much of it is unlivable to us, indigestible, hostile, unusable. Much of it is beautiful and terrifying and something to be enraptured with, to be perceived, to be experienced. We are but a feature in a vast garden.

If our species withers and starves itself through gorging, life will still come after, whether sooner or later. We are not gods. The closest thing to a god here is often interconnection. I think, to a tree, interconnection must sound the same as prayers.

i think it's fucked up that there are plants that decided they wanted to eat meat

[milfbrainrot]

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this is hypocritical bc i also do nothing but complain about other people in fandom, but i do feel like fandom is... so much more complaining about other people these days than actually engaging or making things. or at least that's kinda where i've landed myself in a bad little cycle due to other people complaining first lol.

i have always had a sense of emotional paralysis with fanon creation that was able to be remedied by me having more time for it in the past to truly take as much care as possible. and now i really don't have that, be it to make sure i'm doing things in-character or not representing something badly. so i just don't make anything. and idk, i feel like it would be less difficult if there were less pressure from knowing all of these attitudes about what the fandom doesn't like more so than what it does like, since when a fandom DOES like something reblogs and comments are dismal.

a lot of times it's hard to think of things to say that aren't negative, which is why i think those posts happen so much. clearly i do this a lot. sometimes fandoms have more popular opinions on things and it feels inevitable to voice contrary opinions to make sure ur not insane, or idk to feel better at media analysis than the other people. and yeah lol sometimes popular fandom opinions are missing the point or you do not get the popular ship etc. it's good to have those discussions i think when done respectfully to try understanding why people think one thing, or pushing that hey something else also makes sense let's look there, etc, moreso collaboratively.

at the risk of romanticizing earlier fandom days, i guess there is something more general in the backlash now though? i imagine that on sites like livejournal, or i remember on deviantart, criticism was... kind of contained. your art might get one shitty comment or there might be deviantart stamps voicing Hot Takes you could then view the popularity of based on the comments/faves and how many people embedded it on their profiles. but there weren't mass reblogged posts with 120k notes about how boring an AU type is, or how stupid people are for shipping rather than worldbuilding, or how things that are genuinely skill issues more than malice are in fact malice so people aren't even allowed to explore and learn in their inherently amateur creations. it is easier to be hateful when a validated approved post is put on your dash affirming it or influencing that toward people and making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be to justify itself and all you need to do is hit a button to further the train.

like i just think there is such a higher expectation for perfect content tm catering to a mass appeal it would've been harder to measure and conform to before. every time i go on twitter the algorithm just gives me post after post of people going "i can't believe people think this character would do this" or "this headcanon pisses me off so much because___" or "ew how could people ship this?" ...all of which was absolutely present in fandoms before! like, i'm sure anonymous posting in particular saw a lot of these things get traction! but not in such a way where an opinion dragging something you do has 248 retweets putting it on ur feed and insinuating that ur mutuals will judge you next time you post a fic update with that thing. (and then ofc, as i do all the time, seeing people complaining = cue complaining about other people complaining.)

obviously we can just block people we don't like or whatever and it's up to us to not let contrary opinions get to us! i just guess this level of complaining has never before been so widespread and easy because you don't even have to say the thing yourself. you just have to hit reblog or retweet to voice something you otherwise would've kept to yourself with less care. and the numbers feel insane because of how much more popular online fandom is today than even 10 years ago, which... i think has brought on such a loss of etiquette in certain ways when fandom is less interactive and personal for like, tiktokers seeing a 30 second fancam and hitting like if op is lucky and scrolling by. algorithms making more personalized experiences make it so much easier to expect everything to cater to us so it's the end of the world when it doesn't. i could go off on a tangent about anti behavior but i won't. etc.

again i am hypocritical because i complain about other people in fandom endlessly (mostly... because of other people complaining about people like me first) and i am doing that here and i probs have reblogged lots of those things myself lol. obviously there are good convos to be had around how fandoms handle certain things! people are free to do that AND other people are free to post whatever kinds of creations they want AND people can block/mute/whatever any of the above! it's just... although fandom has always had its toxicity i do miss when it felt more fun and carefree and appreciative of imperfect contributions instead of... the balance we currently seem to have in a lot of cases.

it felt like we hit such a shift in ~2015 (anti stuff on the rise, representation convos around lexa dying, etc) that injected the expectations for mass media creators into literally anyone making anything at all for free and for fun. and as much as the ability to reblog/retweet/share around so easily can be beneficial for spreading good and building up fanon creators, i wonder if those critical convos wouldn't have gotten so intense and high-risk for anyone who didn't conform to some frankly impossible standards if it weren't for the intimidation of mutuals contributing to the 13k validating notes on a Hot Take. (and, in terms of anti issues, the ensuing callouts FOR making a mistake could get so much more traction than... telling people to Spread The Targeted Harassment Campaign Word by putting the effort into going and talking about it in their own journal.)

anyway, twitter bad and tumblr tags bad. and i really hope i can get to a point where i am less impeded by this sense of pressure keeping me from making things because it is honestly so hard now to take the limited time i have and pump out something that is either risky or out of character or inevitably imperfect and dare to post it. i am trying to do more with original works because of that, but i still love fandom! so it would be nice to engage with other fans through creating and sharing those joys more these days rather than only having the energy to engage with fandoms by seeing what other people are doing and then seeing these popularized takes and getting even further frozen about contributing lol. people are entitled to their opinions ofc and i need to just stay off twitter keep continually building up my ability to go "yeah that opinion is stupid / even if it's understandably contrary to my preferences i can still do what i want even though it feels more dangerous to know the amount of people who could conceivably ostracize me for it" as the sharing scale of Fandom Takes on too-influencing-friendly platforms continues to rise.

[kavehater]

I’ve been teaching my sister how to play Genshin for some of the past hours today and I hope she quits bc now I feel really guilty about it I don’t want her to waste all her time on it and Im thinking abt why she even wanted to start the game and now I feel even more horrible bc of some reasons that I kinda feel guilty explaining

[bmpmp3]

i was like. thinking about the software situation with the cryptonloids and i got curious if there was any progress on the non-miku NT banks yet so i went to listen to those vocals they use in that mobile game (if i remember correctly they use beta versions unreleased to the public?) and like. you know. despite how contentious miku nt herself is i think some of the betas for the others sound pretty good, len sounds fantastic and rin sounds about on par with her older banks (although i do miss a bit of her sharpness) and like. i may be killed with hammers for this but i was listening to the heat abnormal cover and i think i like the kaito nt beta sound more than his v3 like he sounds fantastic here. i dont dislike his v3 or anything but the nt bits ive heard has like some of the depth and richness i so sorely miss from his v1 while having the old-yamaha-keyboard-keyboard-key-spring sound that i do enjoy of his v3.... i do wish it had more of the v1 strength tho

[thehateinc]

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[inkskinned]

even 2 years ago people still said autism with a whisper. it was also how people sometimes whisper lesbian, like they're afraid of uttering a slur. autistic was either an insult or it was something terrible, a horrible burden only select people endure. "select people" were usually 9 year old boys and skinny white men.

they are not hispanic young adults with a dog and a life and friends. i can make (sustained, calculated, painful) eye contact. with certain people, i don't even have to count how many seconds i am holding their vision - i can just look at them. i can wear clothes that bother me, i will just have a worse day than usual. i might cry about any changes to my schedule - but change is scary! this is normal!

when i was 16 it was OCD. i mean that was the thing everyone said. i totally have ocd. they would arrange 6 colors of gel pen in rainbow order (no worry for indigo feeling left out) and they'd be "so ocd" about it.

if you struggle with intrusive thoughts, be careful at this next paragraph, but. at 16 i developed a compulsion that involved self-harm. my ocd was convinced i was simply forgetting that i'd hurt someone terribly - a thought that persisted for no clear or delineated reason.

at some point i will probably write about how the idea of "morally pure thoughts" was hell for me and others with ocd, but this was the odd dichotomy for many of us: they liked our "aesthetic", but were genuinely repulsed by our lived experience. "intrusive thoughts" now means "cutting your hair in the sink" instead of talking yourself down from believing horrible things. "so ocd" is a label without any true understanding.

it's something i've talked about before - in multiplicity - but i firmly believe in the veracity and necessity of self-diagnosis. i think it saves lives and it saves tragedies from occurring. as someone raised in a house that wasn't safe, self-diagnosis was, for many years, the only viable option. 15 and honestly googling: am i depressed or are there demons affecting my behavior.

but it is not genuine self-diagnosis anymore, most of the time. it is a strange, blanched version of that whispered word autism. now certain traits are constantly seen as "autistic" - any passing intense interest. any flubbed social interaction. people say it while laughing - a touch of the 'tism.

and i like the acceptance! i do. i like that people are talking about it. i like that if i self-identify, more people speak up and say me too, bitch. but there is something-else quietly happening, the way it happened to OCD. the quirky, "fun" parts have been washed and sanitized and removed of all suffering. now it is just something that makes you "a little bit silly."

it took me 27 years on this planet before i learned to make friends. something about me just seems incredibly odd, i guess, some kind of radiation monitoring. someone once (in a way that was almost friendly) told me i am doing the right things, but in a way that's off-putting. i have scoured myself raw attempting to be charming.

someone on tiktok does a deep dive into their particular passion. the top comment says "what kind of autism is this lol". like we are a breed of animal. like it has no influence on our experience. like our life is a fresh breeze, an open meadow.

more often for me, life was a drowning.