#Me whos never have been drunk before and just am having an adhd day with low impulse: 👍 we are trying things my dud

[mrfoox]

I've had two drinks and like... Two shots and Oliver was not a fan of my adventures

[secret-subject]

How does it feel like to be hypnotized?

I find this question to be a hard one to answer. Loaded with subjection and people get very hung up on the details sometimes. It's funny because everyone experiences it differently, we know this. Everyone is different and responds to different things and ways to play with hypnosis. But what I also find interesting is how trance can feel different:

With different people

On different days

At different times

Let me explain.

So lately I've gotten back into listening to files, (recs later if you ask nicely) because after getting on medication for depression back in 2019 it felt weird to be hypnotized myself and I didn't really need it as much as I had previously. Now I've been off those meds for a long time and am now on stuff for my adhd instead so I thought I would give it another try and, it feels very different. Pre-2019 trance for me felt like a mixture of "blacking out" and "being really drunk", everything got really hazy and I would just sort of fade into the void. I've had experiences which felt more like an out of body situation. I dissociated so hard I just wasn't in there anymore for a little while, I had others that were just light and I could easily come up at anytime and chose not to. Because of my general training I was very easy, super suggestible and with the right people a lot of fun apparently. It has never been super consistent and it took years of dedicated practice to be like this. I think a lot of the time when people would see me hypnotized before people would assume that's just how I am, but I've been doing this stuff for years to get any result. Especially in skills like amnesia, body catelepsy, and even getting thoughts out of my brain and basic in and out of trance, getting "deeper" each time. But coming back with a proper diagnosis on my neurodivergence and the right meds changed the feelings I used to have ans has evolved them.

So right now, I've noticed a few things. The trance is less consistent and this is good? It's good because it tells me that well the conditioning is now less "overall brain is getting more sticky" like it would before and now "brain is very much more sticky but only for the ones who put work in or who I listen to a lot". I have a bit of a voice thing and I'm very picky so this works out when now adays I tend to also listen to my hypnosis creators friends work, it's easier and it could also be a rapport thing. I know them so I know that I can trust them to be safe and also I know I can back out when I need to. I've also worked a TON on subject agency since when I was younger I was very much a pushover when it came to hypnosis. Being a dominant full time now for the last three years after my switch era helped with this. I've gotten very good at saying no and highly recommend this is a skill we all learn, even though it can be a hard one to get started with. So yes, I know I can wake up any time (with most people) but I just don't want to. So when I'm listening to files I now notice the different people feel different. Some I find more relaxing, others I find more of that focus depending on what they say and how targeted the audio seems to be at me and my brains working mechanisms. If you tell me to "focus" and "listen" it's like a switch goes off in my brain and I'm there, versus a more permissive, relaxing vibe which tends to take more time to really get to me. This also changes on a day to day basis, but I think it's like compounding conditioning that clearly is building over time with practicing and training to certain voices.

The feeling started as what is very similar to my hyperfocus mode I go into on the daily with my adhd. It's intensely focused to the point where nothing else matters, and sometimes my eyes don't close on their own and almost wait to be told to "drop" or to close them on instinct. I'm very bad at relaxing into trance. I now notice my body flopping (being so relaxed I just flop over somewhere) a bit like it used to but not all the time. Sometimes this feeling is more like I'm frozen in place. I've even dropped into trance holding my phone lately and when I woke up i was still holding it in perfect place or practiced sitting up in trance, it's like a freeze trigger no one had to impliment. I've learned I can be just as "deep" of not "deeper" with my eyes open and in a sort of mid/waking trance state. I also noticed sometimes my eyes do still roll, so that's kind of cute.

Yesterday, I had a really intense trance experience, probably the most intense I've ever had in 12 years of doing this. It was literally seconds of it, the words happened and they hit me, my eyes were open the whole time but super blurred and I couldn't see anything clearly. I just sat there but it literally felt like a giant wave of pressure hit me and I was just in it. This insanely incredible force washed through me and I just went down so fast I didn't have time to think about it and it was just a couple words. It was like being just frozen in time with the pressure encapsulating you and it wouldn't let go. Normally I would have forgotten this (because my memory play is very well trained and I have a brain like a sieve because adhd) but I could remember it clearly, the feeling I mean, the stuff outside of how I felt is very blurry. I don't know or am able to remember what was said to do it, it just was and that was very interesting to know that in my years of doing hypnosis from both sides, that these feelings are still evolving for me.

Anyway, what does trance feel like for you? Does it change for you? And what kind of practice are you doing to get those feelings? I'd love to hear from people!

[sky4cherry]

TALK ABT SODAPOP PATRICK CURTIS PLEASE AND THANK YOU 🫶🫶🫶

he has been my favourite fictional character since i was 8 years old guys i just,,,,. he is so special

guys come on now he’s definitely got adhd

he’s got a very sweet tooth!! he doesn’t think his cakes taste that bad at all but pony will never eat them, and darry doesn’t have the heart to tell him it tastes FOUL

he’s a very big crier!! he cares very deeply about everyone in his life so i do think he’s the type of person who cries when he sees someone he loves crying, and he usually ends up crying more than the other person

in my heart of hearts i see him seeking out a lot of meaningless flings after sandy left him, purely because he has this moment of “oh shit is it me? am i ugly or something?”

pony and darry have to sit him down and go “no honey you’re actually disgustingly handsome”

he doesn’t drink alcohol after one specific night where two-bit got him drunk on the most back alley stuff, and he couldn’t stop throwing up and crying,, darry nearly kicked him out for the night

i think he’s probably quite drawn to films because he can follow the story along easier when it’s visual,, so i think his room is full of film posters

he and dally will go back and forth insulting each other and then it’s just like over ?? dally says he’s trying to teach soda how to be more intimidating, while soda just thinks it’s funny

he skips work a lot before and after his lunch break to go sit in two-bit’s car at school and have lunch with the greasers, especially because steve’s still in school so he gets pretty bored hearing the other dx employees telling the same stories over and over

this is so self indulgent and from a fic i’m writing, but darry let soda keep their parents’ wedding rings and their mother’s engagement ring, because he knows that if anyone’s gonna find someone to give them to, it’ll be soda

he wears his mom’s rings on a chain around his neck because he’s pretty scared he’s gonna lose them

he’s such an animal person,, steve gets to work and soda’s always squatting on the ground with some kind of stray animal

he knows pony thinks he’s super cool, and he doesn’t want to ruin his brother’s vision, so he talks a big game in front of the gang

darry kinda lets him off when soda doesn’t go to work, because he knows soda finds it really difficult and overwhelming sometimes

he has been known to, and will continue to, give pretty girls their stuff for free at work, which annoys steve so bad because he knows HE’S the one who’s gonna have to do the inventory check and explain why so much stuff is missing

someone pls ask me about him visiting darry at college because there’s too much to go into in this post but i think about it every day in a really sad and tragic way

[up-in-space-reading]

Average Weekly Screentime - Chap 10: So Who Won?

pairing: Jake Peralta x Amy Santiago

word count: 3141

warnings/tags: college au, texting, drunk texting, text fic (mostly, there's prose a few chaps in), bets, bisexual!jake peralta, jake peralta has adhd, parties, drinking and alcohol, sexual references, implied sexual content (nothing explicit, just suggested its going to happen/has happened), friends to lovers, swearing, mentions of cannibalism, lighthearted threats of violence (typical rosa stuff yk), fluff

read on ao3

Average Weekly Screentime masterlist

Story Summary: texting fic college AU with the squad! It's the beginning of the school year and while everyone else thinks it'll be the same as the previous year, Gina has a feeling things are going to be different and wagers a bet with Rosa and Charles. Told through all the various group chats everyone is in.

Chap 1 | Chap 2 | Chap 3 | Chap 4 | Chap 5 | Chap 6 | Chap 7 | Chap 8 | Chap 9 | Chap 10

authors note: The last chapter to this monster of a fic! Hope you enjoy <3

Jimmy Jabbers

[09:24am, Friday]

Four Eyes: Jake has once again fallen asleep in class Four Eyes: Bets anyone?

RoRo: he’s gonna wake up in 12 minutes

Mr Grapes: 10 minutes

Queen G: 20 minutes

Four Eyes: Will keep you updated

-

[09:36am, Friday]

Four Eyes: Rosa I don’t know how you do it

RoRo: idk RoRo: you guys just gotta get good i guess

Queen G: this sucks

-

Dance Squad

[11:36am, Friday]

G-Hive: rosa ur bet date was two days ago G-Hive: i just remembered

Scary: gina you just might win this

G-Hive: omg omg this is so exciting

Charlese: Remember when you tried to get them together on new years?

G-Hive: i had a momentary lapse of judgement G-Hive: BUT now im back in betting mode G-Hive: need to keep them apart for another few weeks

Scary: that’s meddling once again

Charlese: Technically Rosa has some buffer time before her bet is completely void

Scary: neck and neck gina Scary: watch your back

G-Hive: anyone else getting super scary vibes rn???

-

Skipping School Is(n’t) Cool

[10:05am, Saturday]

Ferris: good morning beautiful

Cameron: Good morning!

Ferris: whats the plan for today??

Cameron: I actually have to do some work, you’ve been distracting me the last few days

Ferris: sorry i cant help that i wanna spend time with my giirllfrieennddd

Cameron: I wasn’t complaining at all Cameron: I’m just warning that if you come over I will be doing work

Ferris: im literally on my way

-

Unnamed Chat

[10:45am, Saturday]

Jake: hey ter!

Terry: Hey Jake, how’s it going?

Jake: absolutely wonderful amazing excellent

Terry: Haha let me guess – things went well with Amy

Jake: ur the first person im telling bc u helped me so much omg im so excited

Terry: Well congrats to both of you Terry: I hear Taylor has a lot of love songs

Jake: im never living it down Jake: and IM TOO HAPPY TO CARE

Terry: Hahaha

-

Jimmy Jabbers

[02:04pm, Saturday]

Four Eyes: do u think that guys named cal their name is short for calendar

Pineapples: yes ames i think thats true

Queen G: how do i tell amy u have her phone

Pineapples: she is aware Pineapples: but i dont think she realised what i was gonna do with it mwahaha

RoRo: you should probably give it back

Four Eyes: He has returned it now Four Eyes: He’s cowering in the corner because he knows I’m going to take his

Pineapples: someone help me

Mr Grapes: Just go fetal position Jake, that’s what I do

Pineapples: Too late

Queen G: RIP soldier

RoRo: i think it’ll be funny if amy killed him

-

Dance Squad

[02:10pm, Saturday]

G-Hive: so that was weird right??

Scary: super weird

Charlese: Definitely weird

G-Hive: okay cool

-

Jimmy Jabbers

[04:28pm, Saturday]

Mr Grapes: Anyone wanna do dinner tonight?

RoRo: can’t, busy

Mr Grapes: What are you up to?

RoRo: wouldn’t you like to know, soup boy

Queen G: fine ill do dinner

-

[04:53pm, Saturday]

Mr Grapes: @Four Eyes @Pineapples are either of you interested in getting dinner? Mr Grapes: Haven’t heard from you yet

Pineapples: sorry charles, im busy

Four Eyes: I’ve already got plans, sorry

Mr Grapes: That’s alright!

-

Dance Squad

[04:57pm, Saturday]

Charlese: That’s weird right?

G-Hive: definitely

Scary: you two have fun

G-Hive: @Charlese ill meet u at sals in 30?

Charlese: Yep!

-

“We have got to find a new dinner spot” Amy whispers to Jake across the table who’s giggling.

“Aw but I like Sal’s” He whispers back, their chins nearly touching the table as they duck from view.

“Probably on us that we assumed Gina and Charles wouldn’t come here” Jake continued with a shrug of his shoulders.

“Yeah, that’s definitely on us. What do we do?” Amy asked anxiously.

“What do you mean?”

“They’re here, we’re here, they don’t know about us. What do we do?”

“Sneak out the side door and pretend we were never here?” Jake suggested with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

“Sure, let’s do it” Amy agreed, a small smile returning to her face.

The two of them got up quickly, Jake grabbing Amy’s hand and dragging her out of the diner quickly behind him. She had her bag slung over her shoulder and was carrying her scarf, not having had a moment to put it on yet.

Once they were out the door and walking down the street the two of them laughed as Amy finally wrapped her scarf around her neck. Jake took Amy’s arm and linked it with his, holding her close as they walked down the snow lined streets.

“We’ve gotta find somewhere else to get dinner now” Jake brought up after they’d been walking for a few minutes with no real destination in mind.

“How would you feel about pizza?” Amy asked with a smile, knowing exactly how Jake would feel about pizza.

“Dumb question Ames, I know just the place”

He redirected them, crossing the street and turning a corner while Amy simply followed his lead. Once there they ordered and got their pizza, they laughed about their escape from Sal’s again and Jake filled Amy in on the ongoing Sasha drama after she overheard Gina mention it.

They finished their pizza and hung around in the shop for a little while longer, ignoring their phones and everything outside the door. As far as Jake was concerned, right now the world existed in the pizza shop, sitting across the table from him.

It was only when the owner of the shop politely told them he was going to be closing soon did they leave – leaving behind a nice tip for having stayed so long – walking arm in arm slowly back towards campus under the light of the street lamps. Amy could tell Jake was trying to delay saying goodbye to her, and if Amy was honest with herself she didn’t want to say goodbye either.

They stopped at the usual split in their path, this section of the sidewalk held so many memories and emotions that Amy couldn’t believe it had all happened in less than a year. The two of them hugged for probably too long, they were clingy for a few day-old relationship but Amy never wanted it to stop.

“Come back to my dorm with me?” Jake asked her quietly, breath brushing against Amy’s ear in a way that made her skin tingle, “If you want” he added, giving her an out.

“I want to”

It was an easy decision, and one she didn’t regret at all.

-

DDC

[10:28am, Sunday]

G: messaging to check on u bc i havent heard from u in nearly 24 hours

Jacob: im fine g

G: alright G: how r u feeling?

Jacob: great!

G: cool

-

Dance Squad

[10:32am, Sunday]

G-Hive: something happened

Scary: context?

G-Hive: somethings happened with jake

Charlese: Proof?

G-Hive: 1 image attachment G-Hive: says hes great before noon on a sunday G-Hive: i think tf not

Scary: weak

Charlese: Yeah it’s not a super strong argument

G-Hive: ugh honestly you two

Charlese: I’m starting to give up on them honestly Charlese: If it hasn’t happened by now it won’t ever happen

G-Hive: r u serious charles!!! G-Hive: ur not serious

Charlese: Okay I’m not 100% giving up

Scary: i have

Charlese: What??

Scary: my betting day has passed and i either get it exact or i lose Scary: i’m not winning on a technicality

G-Hive: what about the prize money???

Scary: we just don’t pay out?

Charlese: Damn, this is a sad way to end it

G-Hive: HEY! my bet is still ongoing

Scary: you’re seriously gonna hold out hope??

G-Hive: unlike SOME people i dont back down from a bet

Scary: ugh fine i’m still in

G-Hive: YES

Charlese: Okay I’m still in!! you just caught me in a moment of weakness

G-Hive: lovely lovely G-Hive: time to go get proof

-

DDC

[10:51am, Sunday]

G: where r u???

Jacob: my dorm why???

G: i feel like ur lying

Jacob: im not lying gina Jacob: why would i lie about that

G: idk but ill find out

Jacob: u do that

G: ill ask amy where u r

Jacob: amy will just tell u to ask me

G: we will see

-

Girls Girls Girls

[10:55am, Sunday]

Gina: @Amy do u know where jake is??

Amy: I don’t know, probably in his dorm? Amy: He’s probably still sleeping

Gina: hmm okay

-

DDC

[10:57am, Sunday]

G: i still dont believe you

Jacob: 1 image attachment Jacob: what about now??

G: u couldve taken that pic anytime

Jacob: i just took it now

G: ugh fine

-

Girls Girls Girls

[11:03am, Sunday]

Gina: @Amy can u send me a pic of the cover of that book u recommended the other day

Amy: You have never asked for a book recommendation and I don’t believe you that you’re starting now

Gina: u and jake talking about me???

Amy: WHY would Jake and I be talking about you??

Gina: u tell me????

Amy: You are in a mood this morning

Rosa: tell me about it

-

Jimmy Jabbers

[11:07am, Sunday]

Queen G: i have had ENOUGH Queen G: @Four Eyes @Pineapples explain urselves

Four Eyes: What do I have to explain???

Pineapples: i am also confused as to what i need to explain

Queen G: one or both of u are lying to me Queen G: dodging questions and such

Four Eyes: Good god you need to go outside or something

Queen G: i will NOT be made out to be crazy

Pineapples: then stop acting like it girl

Queen G: where r u both right NOW???

Pineapples: in my dorm Pineapples: in bed if u want specifics

Four Eyes: I’m in my dorm, at my desk to be specific

Queen G: take a pic of ur desk rn

Four Eyes: I’m not entertaining this

Queen G: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH Queen G: im gonna figure it out

RoRo: maybe let it go gina

Mr Grapes: Gotta agree with Rosa

Queen G: ugh fine

-

Dance Squad

[02:35pm, Monday]

G-Hive: im following jake and amy this afternoon G-Hive: who wants to join

Charlese: I’ve got nothing better to do

Scary: this is the last time i’ll entertain you

G-Hive: it wont even be long G-Hive: ill be able to tell if theyre together or not immediately G-Hive: meet me in the courtyard

Charlese: On my way!

Scary: coming

-

Skipping School Is(n’t) Cool

[02:48pm, Monday]

Ferris: heads up rosa gina and charles are following me to the library Ferris: theyre doing a bad job

Cameron: Hahaha okay

Ferris: should we have some fun with them?

Cameron: We absolutely should

-

Jake made his way to the library happily, lighter than air and excited to see Amy again. When he walked into the library she hadn’t noticed him yet but as soon as Jake saw her he couldn’t stop the smile spreading from ear to ear.

Amy finally noticed him as he approached the table, a matching smile gracing her face, and it took everything in Jake to hold back kissing her as soon as he was sat down next to her. They kept their conversation casual and work focused, it felt like before they were together when the two of them were dancing around whatever was happening between them.

After some subtle searching of the library by taking looks around at random intervals he was able to spot Gina, Rosa, and Charles at a table nearby. They were pretending to be engrossed in one book between the three of them and doing a bad job, Rosa was clearly uninterested but there anyway.

-

Skipping School Is(n’t) Cool

[03:21pm, Monday]

Ferris: three musketeers sitting at a table near the computers Ferris: doing a terrible job at hiding

Cameron: I’m not even surprised Cameron: What did Gina expect to discover?

Ferris: probs us together

Cameron: Nosiest friends ever

Ferris: haha tell me about it

-

“This is boring, they’re clearly not together” Rosa was annoyed.

“But what if they are and they’re just playing it down?” Gina argued back.

“If they were together we’d know by now” Charles now joined in.

“God this is ridiculous” Gina threw her arms up in frustration, “I just need them to kiss or something”

“Go ask them” Rosa suggested slightly sarcastically.

Gina fixed Rosa with a look that made Charles want to shrink in on himself, feeling grateful he hadn’t crossed either of them.

“We could just wait for them to tell us?” He suggested in hopes of stopping Gina and Rosa’s staring match.

“Fine” Gina agreed begrudgingly.

Gina was the one to get up first, followed by Rosa and then once they started walking away Charles quickly followed, not wanting to be left behind.

-

Jake saw movement out of the corner of his eye, catching his attention he looked up to see Rosa, Gina and Charles all making a hasty exit from the library and he smiled knowing he and Amy had been able to bore them into leaving.

Once their friends had left the library he leaned over and gave Amy a quick peck on the cheek, startling her out of her concentration where she looked at Jake with surprised.

“What abo-“ She began before Jake cut her off.

“They just left”

Amy let out a laugh before placing a hand on the side of Jake’s face, he leaned into it with a content sigh. Jake then reached up to lightly grab Amy’s wrist, keeping her hand in place as he twisted his head to plant another kiss on her palm.

“You can’t distract me like that” Amy said quietly, trying to be teasing but sounding more breathless.

“Sorry” Jake had apologized but didn’t sound one bit sorry, returning to his work with a satisfied smirk.

-

Jimmy Jabbers

[06:25pm, Wednesday]

Queen G: sasha is having a party on sat so im absolutely going Queen G: anyone else in??

Mr Grapes: Oh definitely! Mr Grapes: Do you know if she invited Sam or Matt?

Queen G: she invited both of them and its most of the reason i wanna go

Mr Grapes: It’s self sabotage at this point

RoRo: ill go if it means watching sashas life implode lol

Pineapples: ill be there

Four Eyes: Yeah I’ll go too

Queen G: im so proud of all of u Queen G: so like are you guys team sam, team matt, or team sasha

Charles: I’m team Anne! She’s been messed around

Queen G: so true charles

-

It was the first time they’d hung out as a whole group since Jake and Amy had gotten together and hiding their relationship was more difficult than Jake had anticipated. He wanted to hold her hand in the back of the uber and put his arm around her shoulders as they walked into the party but couldn’t do any of it.

That was until they split up after playing some small drinking games together, Jake immediately asked Amy if she wanted to dance and she couldn’t have said yes quick enough. He assumed his friends were off finding the drama, Gina and Rosa probably on the hunt for people to flirt with while Charles waited for Genevieve to arrive soon.

Once he and Amy had reached the dance floor her pulled her close, bodies pressed up against one another – he wasn’t wasting a single moment keeping her at a distance. They danced together in the way Jake wished they could’ve on New Years, and it was the most fun he’d had at a party in a while.

So much fun that he leaned down to kiss Amy hard, brain slightly foggy after the alcohol they’d had so far, but pleased when Amy leaned into it. The kiss became intense as they abandoned any illusion that they were dancing.

Finally Jake pulled away with heavy breaths, leaning down to whisper into Amy’s ear.

“Bathroom”

She nodded furiously and followed closely behind when Jake grabbed her hand and dragged her away from the dance floor.

-

Queen Gina Linetti @g-hive01

i love being right #calledit #sashasparty

[11:08pm, Saturday]

-

Jimmy Jabbers

[10:47am, Sunday]

Queen G: i think its time we talk about the elephant in the room

Pineapples: what?

Queen G: this has gone on long enough

RoRo: gina what are you doing

Mr Grapes: Don’t do something you’ll regret

Queen G: i have no regrets in life Queen G: including this Queen G: @Four Eyes @Pineapples you two like each other and you need to work it out before I start prematurely aging

RoRo: gina!!

Mr Grapes: We agreed we weren’t gonna meddle and this is beyond that!

Queen G: deafening silence from the culprits themselves

Pineapples: way to make things awkward g…

Four Eyes: Wait, you guys ‘agreed to not meddle’? What does that mean?

Queen G: dw about that Queen G: do u have anything to say for urselves??

Pineapples: gina what did u see???

Queen G: u know exactly what i saw at exactly 11 last night

Four Eyes: Shit

Pineapples: my b ames

Four Eyes: Takes two

Pineapples: if its any comfort gina that bathroom wasnt as romantic as u would imagine

Queen G: i didnt think it would be

Four Eyes: Aw don’t say that babe, I thought it was perfectly respectable

Pineapples: dont lie to me

Four Eyes: Sorry haha

Mr Grapes: Wait wait wait wait Mr Grapes: You just called him babe

Four Eyes: Oops

Pineapples: gina caught us so theres no point keeping secret

Four Eyes: Yes Jake and I are together

Mr Grapes: Greatest day of my life not joking

RoRo: good for u

Queen G: u guys will NEVER make me seem crazy ever again so help me god Queen G: i was fucking RIGHT

RoRo: for reasons you don’t need to know RoRo: when did this start?

Pineapples: last wednesday Pineapples: why?

RoRo: i’m $100 richer

Mr Grapes: Damn

Queen G: ah shit…

Four Eyes: Can’t believe you guys bet on us!

Pineapples: i can

-

Skipping School Is(n’t) Cool

[11:40am, Sunday]

Ferris changed Cameron’s nickname to Ames Ferris changed their name to Dread Pirate Jake Dread Pirate Jake changed the group chat name to As You Wish

Ames: Aw I’ll miss the Ferris Bueller theme

Dread Pirate Jake: that was for when we were friends Dread Pirate Jake: needed to change now that youre my giirrllfriend

Ames: Haha fair enough Ames: Meet outside to go get lunch together?

Dread Pirate Jake: as u wish my lady <3

-

Dance Squad

[11:40am, Sunday]

Scary: I’ll take my $100 in cash

Charlese: I don’t even care about losing money I’m so happy for them

G-Hive: you will never make a fool out of me again

Scary: sure sure Scary: now pay up

Chap 1 | Chap 2 | Chap 3 | Chap 4 | Chap 5 | Chap 6 | Chap 7 | Chap 8 | Chap 9 | Chap 10

authors note: Oh my god, I can't believe its all done and over.

This is the longest piece of writing I've done so far, what started out as a silly little text fic idea that I wanted to do just to 'not waste a concept' turned into something that I've loved writing and am beyond proud of. I'm sorry there was a bit of a wait between chapters in the middle there but I hope the speedy release of the ending made up for it! Thank you so so much to everyone who commented and left kudos, you guys kept me motivated and excited to write this fic. Shout out to my friends both irl and online (none of whom will see this lol), you guys consistently provide me wonderful content to use in my writing lol (for this chapter it was: "wouldn't you like to know, soup boy")

Thanks again for reading my lil fanfic, I hope you enjoyed it <3

[aindreisblythe]

✨ Aindreis Blythe 🪐

"Does the sun ask itself ‘Am I good? Am I worthwhile? Is there enough of me?’ No, it burns and shines."

Name: Aindreis Kenneth Oliver Blythe

Nicknames: Andy, Dreis.

Date and place of birth: 10th December, 1989 in Summerside, Prince Edward Island (Canada).

Gender identity: cisgender male, he/him.

Residential area: Downtown, East Haven.

Occupation: Project manager/event planner at Gemini.

In East Haven since: beginning of March 2023

Faceclaim: Logan Lerman.

Wanted Connections - Living Space

Biography

Trigger warnings: alcoholism.

Aindreis Kenneth Oliver Blythe sees light for the very first time on December 10th 1989 in Summerside’s General Hospital, the second biggest on Canada’s smallest province, Prince Edward Island. He’s the second of what would become 5 brothers. Daniél, Aindreis, Tomàs, Ethan and Ianathan. Only three of them would be born on PEI. Indeed, as Tomàs, 7 years younger than Aindreis, was approaching his first birthday, their father, Neil, got the opportunity to go back to Inverness and take over his retiring father’s fishing company. So they did, they left Canada behind for Bonny Scotland. Aindreis was almost 8 when he put down his little suitcase in his brand new room, in an almost new country where the accent was funny to his young ear. He had never been a tall child, and he was lean, and having skipped a grade, he always found himself among bigger kids. It wasn’t easy, and now he was going to be the new kid. He wasn’t looking forward to that.

Turns out that he didn’t have to. Turns out that Inverness wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. His cousins were around, and he met a best friend, Ali, the only kid who decided he was interesting enough to sit next to at the camp fire. Inverness slowly turned into a home, and Andy couldn’t ask for more. His family was complicated and getting crowded, but he wouldn’t change them for anything in the world. Scotland was more welcoming than he thought, and it sometime reminded him of PEI. Came even a surprising moment when his lips unexpectedly met Ali’s. He’d never thought too much about dating before that, but the unasked question had found an answer. An answer that stayed secret, hidden, to Aindreis’s sadness, but it didn’t matter. He was able to hold his hand at lunch behind the bleachers and maybe that could be enough.

But Richard Siken was right when he wrote “Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story.” Ali left first. Andy didn’t understand. Well, he was never given a head’s up or an answer afterwards. His best friend, his boyfriend, just didn’t dare even meet his eyes in school hallways, and Andy was lost. The rest of high school went by with dimmed colours, but the graduated from his A-levels first of his class. Now, he could leave Inverness and all the memories, good and bad.

Stars. Andy’s passions had always been the stars, the universe, space, you name it. So he was trying to get closer to them. Astronaut was never his calling. Nasa, maybe one day. Right now, he was heading to Cambridge University on a fellowship for a degree in physics, with a minor in astronomy. It was his dream… And he threw it away. Looking back, it was a combination of so many things. Freshers week and student parties, a bit of lying to oneself that was we’re doing is definitely not a problem, Cambridge University’s tendency to ask troubled students to isolate as to not disturb the studies of others, a “predisposition for substance abuse” as the doctor said after diagnosing him with ADHD during the three long months he spend in rehab after being kicked out of university for being drunk in class.

Sobriety didn’t last long once he left. And he did leave. Roaming around Europe then Canada, spending less than a year in each place, taking on every small job he could. He stopped fleeing at the sight of every serious thing, every problem, everyone in Toronto. Toronto where he stayed longer than anywhere else. 2 years. One of which he spend with his new boyfriend. Relationship he threw away as he threw away 10 month of sobriety, imposed by a dilemma. Me or the alcohol. The alcohol, Caleb, you lose. Andy did lose too. Back to square one, he thought as he stepped back into a rehabilitation centre.

You may wonder where he went next. He went back to the green field and colourful boats of Inverness. It felt like a failure at the time, but it was the best decision he’s ever made. A decision that lead him to here, to coming to East Haven This time, moving wasn’t running from something or someone, he was coming towards a new job, and a new life with found-again love far from old memories. A new adventure.

[giraffefeather]

Hi, I'm drunk on wine and too deep in astrology, read more included as a courtesy.

Everything makes so much sense. Like I was one of the "Ooh astrology is so cool but totally not real" girlies, but uh...

Quick reference: I am pisces sun, gemini moon, aquarius rising. And right off the bat, I always notice before anyone else when I start talking too much (gemini stereotype) and always question if I'm being manipulative or not (hi again, bad side of gemini) but try so so hard not to (oh hey, there you are pisces). I can never pick a goddamn side in an argument (ahem, pisces? gemini? both known to see both or all sides). Meanwhile, I attract the "outcasts," for lack of better word - the people that don't always fit in (hello aquarius, ya weird little noodle).

Okay but then we have the VENUS. God, the amount of times I questioned if I was asexual, but then dated friends and thought no... thats not right... must be demi. And then I'll enjoy sex for a while, get really obsessed for like a week. but get bored of it and move on to something else. And I'm thinking... huh, is this autism? Adhd? Perhaps. But ALSO have you read up on venus in aquarius? That bastard is 100% on my love life.

Hi, quick disclaimer. I absolutely believe neurodivergency is something not assigned by the stars. It is a separate matter entirely. I am NOT diagnosed with anything, and although I have tendencies that align with both autism and adhd, it does not affect my daily life enough to seek diagnosis. I just think it's interesting that it may not be a true neurodivergency in my case, but just aligning with my signs.

I skipped mercury, hold up, that's aquarius too. It fits, but it's boring. Except the bit I read where they dislike schedules, especially if paired with a Pisces sun (hello, called me out).

And I was so mad that my Mars was in leo, thinking no no no, I can't have a Leo anywhere in my chart, that's not right! Bitch, it fits. All of it. 100% turn into a Leo when I'm angry. Other parts of Mars (motivation, sex, etc) seem to be muted by the rest of my signs, but anger? Aggression? Yikes, hello Leo loud intensity.

And I just think it's interesting that my least favorite sign (Capricorn... sorry, I just have met too many manipulative Caps) is also my Uranus and Neptune.

But back to my favorite sign (Aquarius!), I have 3 of those fuckers and I wonder if it's why I always love other Aquas. Or of it's just because my dad is an Aqua sun. But my mom is a Taurus sun and while I never thought I had attachment to the sign (I love my mom, I just see her flaws too), my best friend growing up was a Taurus, and that's the sign I can spot a mile away. Hell, I worked with someone who reminded me so much of my mom, that it didn't even surprise me when I found they shared a birthday. I wa just like oh... yeah that makes sense, you're basically the same person.

And following true Pisces comparability, I've been dating a Virgo for 7 years. Since day 1, I've been saying we're opposites but it works. And then find out that's one of the most recommended pairings for a Pisces sun for that exact reason. To balance each other out. And as Virgo is literally the only sign not to be found on my chart, i need that energy in my life. Funny, I always used to love libras before him. But isn't that just typical of libras - their allure? And I would kill for an Aqua friend, please someone come talk to me about conspiracies and cryptic!

I still need to delve into Jupiter and beyond, see if those actually fit. I'm starting to suspect they will.

But what if that's just my pisces dreaming, understanding every sign so that of course whatever I have fits? Then... do we question that I fit the pisces personality too? Or am I just a wishy-washy person, and believe everything?

Interesting that a simple Google search reveals so much about the signs too... and not even with the info available. I've found that there's so many hits if you search pisces, possibly more than any other sign. Gemini has plenty, too. But Leo? Sagittarius? A huge decline in results. And if looking at images on Google, its even more pronounced. Pisces and Gemini have so many artistic interpretations. Leo? I found like... 1 cool lion. Compared to the millions of fish and mermaid art with pisces.

[itsmeevie01]

Older Gen Z here!

when i was little, my family lived back up against some woods - my brother and i spent our early years tromping through the backwoods of the Ozarks.

we didnt have a lot of range, but as long as we could hear mom yell for us, it was fine.

when we moved to the city, it was different. we had a block in on direction to play, and we spent most of our time screwing around on the access ramp to a river that had turned into a drainage ditch.

we both joined the cross country team at school (in 6th grad and kindergarten) so that we could get our energy out and not be causing trouble at home. i would like to point out that we didnt live in a 'burb. we live IN the city.

by the time i was in 8th grade i was allowed to go on runs in the morning, as long as i went before the main thoroughfare next to the house got too busy, i didnt cross into the county (the line was the "river") and i didnt go near the train depot a block away.

my brother and i really didnt do well in the city, we were too cooped up, and missed tromping in cow pastures and following deer trails.

the youngest (now 10) was born in the city right before we moved to Satan Armpit Florida. there were fire ants, sand spurs, and 100% humidity. yetch. i tried to run, and i was allowed to run as far as i was willing to run back. but it just...wasnt great. the baby of the family has never eaten dirt, never goes outside, and is scared of everything.

when i was in highschool, i kept forgetting that i had a cellphone, and would routinely forget to charge it or bring it with me. because of that, i generally forgot to answer any calls or texts i got.

we got life 360 - everyone is on it. everyone

my parents, my brother and i, and my grandparents

everyone

if i was out at 3 am, everyone knew

if i was somewhere i didnt say i was going, or i wasnt supposed to go, everyone knew

if i didnt answer my phone, the cavalry would go to my last known location

there was no way to do anything silly or crazy or dumb

when i was in high school, i did everything under the sun - student Gov, Show Choir, Theatre, Costume Designer, ran the morning announcements, mentorship club (as a mentor), vollyball, tennis, track, cross country, and worked part time

when i left for college (an hour down the road) I was in day classes, worked part time, and was taking night classes at massage school.

i knew the (very few) who had the "typical" college experience, but compared to my dad's stories (he's gen X) of drunken nights, hanging beds from the ceilings with chains, and vandalizing the university, I had an altogether mediocre experience in school

except for my roommate who stole my ADHD meds, bitched that I had more than black and white in my closet, and kept the ac at 90 in FLORIDA

but she wasnt that eventful - she moved out during fall break...i was too colorful for her

my 21st birthday was spent going out with my mother's women's group, where they tried to get me as drunk as possible (I have an incredible tolerance).

then my friend who shares a birthday with me took me out to one dance bar where we hung out for another hour - that's it!

that is the only time i have been able to afford to do more than brunch with maybe one or two drinks.

since then, its been back to the grind for years...

my dad was a latch-key kid. my mom was the perfect daughter who got away with everything because her parents didnt believe she would ever do anything wrong.

when my dad and i talk now, he always comes back to something along the lines of "kid, i am so proud of you. i see what young people do these days, and i dont think i would be able to do it"

every time he says that, it always hits me hard. 'cause fuck

all that to say...we never had the free range my parents had. we never truly had the third spaces my parents had. as we got older my (middle) brother and i have felt like the constraints are a noose tightening to the point where we have to physically uproot our lives and move hours away to have the space we need to grow, that we didnt have when we got younger.

is it safer? i dont know.

what i do know is that it definitely feels like i missed the quintessential adolescent times of Fucking around and Finding Out that teach you how to operate in the world around you.

i dont know. take that as you will

Maybe this is the wrong platform to pose this question given the average tumblr user but

Is it just me or did our generation (those of is who are currently 20-30 ish) just not get the opportunity to be young in the 'standard' sense?

Like, everyone I talk to who's over 40 has all their wild stories about their teens and 20s, being young and dumb, and then I talk to my friends and coworkers and classmates, and we just... dont.

[shapemydestiny]

2022 - 2023

Holy crap has It been a long time since i've journaled.... Looking back it's weird to think how much things have yet haven't changed since my last post.

Last time I posted, the pandemic was still pretty much a thing If I recall correctly. Honestly the last few years have kind of blurred together. I didn't end up seeing a new therapist. I might've had one session with her, but went back to my other one.

My First Job

In Spring of 2022, I landed my first software engineering job. It was at a healthcare SaaS startup and I was the second engineer to be hired. The other engineer was working part time, and went working full time the same day I started. I learned a good amount from this job, but overtime didn't like the structure and leadership of my boss. Yelling at you for being slow to help him on your day off when you're not even on call, getting mad for not violating a government's TOS for their API, and having no problem with questionably obtained software, not taking cybersecurity concerns seriously, etc. I was fired in February of 2024. That's a story for later.

Social Life

I believe in fall of 2021, I joined a discord server that I found on reddit. We all are part of a group of degenerates who's special interest is too taboo to disclose publicly... even in an anonymous journal. I've really made some good friends that I talk to every single day.

Honestly 2022 was pretty uneventful if I can recall back that far other than me getting my first job. I spent a lot of time with an online friend "X" helping with his emotional issues and he was very emotionally abusive, which got worse over time.

Things seemed to have gotten better towards the end of the year. I wanted to go to Disney World and I wanted to go before Splash Mountain closed in January 😭. He said he was going to pay for his ticket, but never paid me back. He threatened to leave me at Disney because he was always drunk when he said he wouldn't drink. Honestly the entire trip was a hot mess. I had fun on the rides, but really wish I went with someone else... I finally cut ties with X towards the end of 2023 or at the beginning of 2024.

Long Term COVID

After coming back, I got long term COVID, causing me to have horrible brain fog, fatigue, etc. It made it really hard to work and I nearly went on disability after talking with my therapist. However, my work was being aggressive with me going on disability, despite them paying into it. They would only pay for one month of COBRA and that would be it, and it sounded like they'd only let me take a month of disability. Well considering that they had "unlimited" PTO I just took more PTO time - I was trying to save them having to pay my salary during this time, their loss. To be honest it really never got better. I continued to have brain fog through the rest of the year and still do to a certain extent.

Mental and Physical Health

Honestly, my mental health and processing never truly got better after long term covid, it only got better than the beginning. I felt guilty spending so much of my time gaming with my online friend Eli, but I honestly didn't have the mental capacity to work at a higher amount than I was doing. Honestly, keeping a stable 40 hour job is something that gives me a LOT of anxiety. It's not that i'm choosing to be lazy or not want to work, it's that I don't have the focus or cognitive energy to give that time commitment. It makes me feel really shitty saying that. After all I am physically not disabled, and people have it way worse than I do. I don't want to be a burden but I feel like such a piece of shit for having the privileged life I do but still struggle. First world problems am I right?

As far as I've been told my diagnosis are BED, ADHD, bipolar type II, OCD, social anxiety, general anxiety. Turns out I also have high cholesterol, am pre-diabetic and have sleep apena. That's been fun 😡.

[notawitchbutabitch-blog]

Venting about my relationship with my father

my dad has always treated taking breaks as a bad thing, when summer rolled around he would give me and my sister homework. When we had a vacation we would spend at least the first 3 days just cleaning because when we were all working all the time the house got neglected. Now with an empty nest, dad is still struggling with breaks. Any phone call I have with him between semesters in college always turns back to what I could be spending my time doing or learning. What I learn of my own free will on my own time never feels like it's enough for him, I can learn 50 interesting facts and share them all over dinner with him when we're visiting each other and it's always "what are you really studying?" The World. I study the world. all of it. the parts of history that my schools' cirriculum intentionally avoids, mathematical puzzles, video game mechanics through the ages, evolutionary biology, current events, politics, philosophy, etc.

I know the answer he wants, he wants me to be researching circuitry, mechanical engineering, the next level of calculus, physics. the things he excelled at when he was my age. the things that got him a lucrative career being the most useful man in a company, to the point that if he takes a day off nobody will be able to work. it gets him money, sure, but it takes all of his time and all of his joy.

I love him and I want him to be proud of me. I wish he could understand me. Sometimes I feel like he's the only person that could understand me, and the fact that he just doesn't, it hurts.

I have friends. and the simple fact is that my dad doesn't. Anyone he knew before college he calls a lost cause or a drug addict or a criminal asshole, everyone he knew in college were labeled as drunks, all his coworkers are at least 100 miles away. I spend time with my friends. It's an investment that he doesn't understand. I don't know how to help him.

I am physically and mentally disabled. He is in total denial. insisting that stuff like pots, fibromyalgia, exercise induced asthma, can just be solved with the right exercise. That the answer to anxiety is to just calm down. That Adhd can be solved with meds. (not treated, not helped, solved) that autistic sensory overload can be helped by listening to music loud enough to damage your hearing so you don't hear the overwhelming noise (I am not kidding, this is what he said he did to himself).

and despite all these very important problems I have with him, he's still the quiet, kind, empathetic, respectful dad he's always been. And I love him for the person he is. I just don't feel seen by him.

I'm afraid that if I don't live up to his expectations he'll be disappointed in me. He has a blatant dislike of people who he sees as burdens to people around them, and I'm afraid that my disabilities will put me in that category. What if what I end up being able to contribute to the world isn't enough for him? Will I ever be enough for him?

[shitidontsay]

I am an addict.

This is something I have struggled majorly to be honest about. with myself, with others, in my journal, in therapy. But something needs to give. Especially if I want to pay 345 per therapy session.

I have been stealing drugs since 2015. It started with Melissa and her dexedrine. I would purposefully study with her, despite her driving me nuts - just so that I could take her medication. I justified this because of what it did for my grades. I went from struggling and getting mediocre grades to getting a 3.85 or something. I understand there was undiagnosed ADHD, but this was addict behaviour.

I was secretly smoking weed in university, often. I was also drinking on occasion before classes. I can only really remember a handful of times, but it was happening.

Grad school was similar. I was abusing whatever stimulants I could get my hands on. I also remember one day where I took FUCKING ACID and went to class. I said I had a migrane. My pupils were dilated.

I then was buying cocaine. No one knew I was buying it myself. Mikalyla only knew that I bought it from her once. I was doing it before dates, at work, on weekends etc. I was then smoking wed and taking Benadryl to be able to fall asleep.

I knew this was a problem, so then I got prescribed my own ADHD medication. The bad relationship I had with drugs immediately fell into place with this as well. I downplayed my abuse, but realistically it started the moment I began taking this medication. I would constantly be counting my pills and calculating what I could take and when. It was NEVER a relationship where I took what I was prescribed when I was supposed to.

COVID expanded this, and i abused alcohol and weed on top of the stimulants. I often went to work drunk or high. At some point, the alcohol tapered back, but did it? I remember so many nights when I was living alone, post-Mat where I would order alcohol to get delivered to the apartment, and I would drink alone. That night i hung out with Ryan I was a bottle of wine deep and had been smoking weed all night. The first few dates with Os, where he was not drinking - I was. I was drinking almost a bottle of wine before we met and hiding it.

I've lied about quitting stimulants multiple times - when in reality, I was simply refilling my prescription and blasting through a 100 day supply in a month. And now I am stealing meds from my lovely wonderful partner who has no idea what is going on. I have also gone to his house and used his MDMA and ketamine without him knowing.

That is the catalyst for me writing this. Lately, I have been drinking secretly, and no one knows. Last night I had two drinks after work, went to his house, snorted some drugs, and then felt weird about what I had consumed so I attempted to mix some salt and MDMA into the bag of K. Obviously SO dumb because the texture and smell/taste was wrong. I was so anxious last night and this morning and then spent this morning trying to fix it or dilute it. I am just praying he doesn't realize what I did, or blame me. But honestly who knows. I might be fucked. Another lie. DESPITE THIS. the fucked up thing is that I came home, was so anxious - and what did I do? I poured a fucking drink. I am sitting here, before 9am, drinking a gin-water-lemon juice concoction to manage my anxiety.

At this point it's obvious there is a problem. I have opened up slightly to Os - and it felt lie radical honesty at the time. But in reality there is so much that no one knows. Everything I read about recovery talks about the importance of honesty and forgiving yourself. And I feel like I am so far away from that.

So thats where this blog comes in. I think I need to be fucking brutally honest with myself and write about these things.

What I really want for myself is to end 2023 with honesty and being clean. I want to write everyday about what is going on, open up about my anxiety, and stop avoiding what is underneath. I have no idea how to do that, but I am going to try.

[abbinurmel]

an update several months later:

So this far I have tried the non-stimulant variety of strattera, the stimulant variety, and now I have tried both 10 and 18 mg of Ritalin. None of these have really produced consistent results that I want. But compared to many other people who have tried ADHD drugs or antipsychotic things I am fortunate to have never suffered debilitating side effects beyond anything I have had on a natural day. I have experienced mostly just regular fatigue, and sometimes increased moodiness on the strattera, and maybe a bit more focus and memory improvement on it. Where as far as the Ritalin goes, it's always a dice throw between maybe the energy/task focus improvement of a standard cup of coffee, or absolutely nothing at all, maybe even considerably a more lazier and fatigue day if I don't have added protein to eat, energy drinks, Theanine, and B vitamins to back it up. I don't seem to react very much to over-the-counter Omega-3 supplements whatsoever either but I could for all I know not be taking the right dosage. I seem to react the most effectively in my moods to the l-theanine / B vitamin supplements with probiotics, and eating cashews but any variety of nuts and seeds does well, fish while giving me a bit of energy and hunger brain fog focus does not seem to improve my memory or general task doing much. I tested for celiac disease, negative result, which shocks me because I was really thinking I was on a roll there. I have debated if maybe I have even an allergy to dairy but I consume so much cheese and milk in a typical day, that I don't think if I actually had an allergy to it I would be at all well, not just a mild rumbly in my tumbly gas or lethargy, as I know people with the actual lactose intolerance condition are much more severe than that and in pain even if they don't have the really severe kind that could kill you outright. I'm sure it's probably not healthy to consume large amounts of dairy too much but I don't think I eat even that much beyond one or two small bowls of cereal perhaps every other day. I don't consume meat regularly or heavy suites or soda and colored drinks either. I'm a pretty fairly healthy person dietwise, even though I don't exercise much, but I'm always active at least for 8 hours a day at my job. I don't know why all my life I've been plagued with this mental fog I don't even think the smartphone thing anymore, because all my childhood I remember vegetating on the computer, even before there was social apps like there are now, and even before internet existed for hours. I could never eat food without getting distracted and anxious unless I had a book or a comic to read with it or television in the background. I always had difficulty paying attention in class and staying invested in any conversations even with people I liked and enjoyed being with for very long. I don't know why this is it's very frustrating and exhausting because I don't hate people or socializing either on the whole, I would not call myself an extrovert but I'm certainly not an introvert either; I crave novelty and going out and doing things with others sometimes. I don't even mind getting drunk or high in public. So while I can become anxious at times under the right circumstances I don't even think this is an anxiety disorder or anything like that causing emotional burnout... I don't know if it could be low-key depression or s.a.d but I really doubt it too. But I know lack of vit D could lead to similar factors. Everyone says anemia is possible. But I get iron. Oh well. While on the whole this is very inconvenient and killing my dreams as usual, I have the benefit of a pretty free lifestyle right now that allows me to at least not be scrutinized and bullied. My family is very supportive. I'm grateful to live in a time where I don't have to be locked up for it. I don't know if this is relevant to having been on the drugs for a while or not or if the supplements have been doing all the work but I've noticed mood stability.

Can anyone tell me, regardless of if you have adhd present in you or not, how do you throughout your day keep from being phone addicted and not suffering from task choice burnout or physical fatigue?

My frustration stems from the fact I do not have a very busy schedule most of the day. But doing ANY task that is of need to be done, or stuff that I enjoy but is knowingly not part of a meaningless passive quick pleasure but something I have to apply to and see an indeterminable "result" out of, such as art or writing, has been very hard, especially starting.

I always feel this shortness of breath and tightness in my chest if I even so much as think of something boring or am scrolling thru any long meandering articles or listening to any long boring topics of conversation. I feel like a cad but just being bored even a little for a moment fills me with distant disgust and irritation and I can feel my own neurons shut down and falling asleep. But I feel sorry about that even though I am pretty sure its biochemical. Its not like I am the most thrilling interesting person alive.

How do you keep focused and energized? Caffeine seems to stabilize me mood wise and occaisionally gives a short burst of mild mellow pep but the pep sure doesnt last nor does it help make me actually want to do something and stay on it til complete. I just feel calmer and more awake.

My doc perscribed me Focusin which I will try for the first time soon. I am very nervous cos its my first try with stimulants and I know it is a dice roll. Either way, drugs aside, I want to know how do you prevent constant energy burnout and any prevalent desire to even care about your phone? Do you use things like minimalist phone apps or lock screens or timers? Has anyone made you report to them or taken it from you? Let me know in the comments!

[boy-in-a-flower-crown]

notable people from my seven months of working the graveyard shift

- the regular who came in every day before 5 am to buy at least two lottery tickets and two scratch tickets

   - on one occasion he came in while I was mopping the floor and he couldn't see me and i yelled "hi!" and he responded with "i wish I was"

- the surprisingly well dressed but still very exasperated man who came in at about three am asking for coffee creamer

- the 34 year old 5 foot tall woman who came in wearing hello kitty PJs at 4:45 in the morning and was incredulous that i asked her for ID when she asked to buy cigs

- the man with a smoker's voice who purchased four dollars worth of gas entirely with quarters

- the man who came in without a mask, ordered an extra large coffee, and when I started saying "because you're not wearing a mask i will have to dispense the beverage for you", he cut me off after "mask" and said "oh yeah I'm so sorry dude! i just had the most passionate kiss with someone..." while putting up a bandana. his credit card declined on $2.30 and he then ran away looking for cash. he never came back.

- the man with a heavy russian accent who was very upset that we didn't carry whole coffee beans

- the customer on skip the dishes that ordered five bottles of pepsi, a litre of milk and a bag of wine gums at 1 in the morning

- the person who left a mostly empty tub of Betty Crocker french vanilla frosting open and with a spoon on the counter

- the woman who came in at 1:30am asking to use the bathroom and when I told her no pubic access she said, verbatim, "I'm gonna take his head between my thighs, or what's left of them because I'm a skinny little chicken, and I'm gonna pop it off." no i don't know who "he" is

- the man who came in quite literally strutting at 4:30 am saying "cinnamon buns" over and over

- the kid who told me "have a good evening" at 5:30am

- the woman who asked me for cigs and rolled her eyes when I ID'd her, said "I'm 30 years old", and walked out. that's when I noticed that not only was she in her pyjamas, but she was also wearing slippers. like, in the house with a housecoat, bright pink and fuzzy kind of slippers

- the man who had to be at least in his 40s who was using what appeared to be a spiderman themed velcro clasped wallet

- the man who practically begged me to get the store to order more cinnamon buns

- the man who asked "where's your floss?" at 1:30am

- the absolute chaotic boys who asked me to sell them single cigs

- the Uber driver who told me "bless you and bless your family, you're doing a wonderful job"

- the person who ordered two packs of triple a batteries and nothing else at 1 in the morning

- the very spunky girl who came in at 2 in the morning asking if we sold caramels, and told me "it was a craving i got at 1am and i was like 'yeah let's make this!' and no. it didn't work. toxic sludge from hell." and left.

- the older woman who said "the luckiest married women become mothers, and the luckiest married men become motherfuckers."

- the boys who came in at 11pm and asked if we sold firecrackers

- the guy who straight up asked me if he could steal a taquito

- the people who made popcorn in our microwave at 2 in the morning

- the woman who told me to go masturbate after i ID'd her

- an entirely separate woman who came in wearing different hello kitty PJ pants, asked for cigs, and was incredulous when I ID'd her

- a man with an incredibly thick Irish accent who asked me why i was on the graveyard shift, and after saying "it's a pretty easy shift, especially as an introvert" he said "introversion doesn't exist" then as he was leaving he said, "you're adhd as fuck though, aren't you"

- the person who ordered two bottles of water and three packs of gum at two in the morning

- the woman who, as she was leaving, said "until next time, keep fit, and have fun."

- the man who came in at 4:30 am and told me he just had a really good date with a seagull

- the girl who asked me if her hair gave me a stoner vibe when it actively made me think of an anime girl

- the guy who was driving a bobcat

- the (definitely cis) guy who came in looking for oil and the like at about 4am. when he brought all his stuff to the counter he said, "this shit is getting too expensive" and i responded "this is why I don't drive," to which he said "well if it's got tits or tires it's gonna cause you trouble and it's gonna cost you a lot of money."

- the guy who came in, put two cans of red bull on the counter, then asked if we had twizzlers. upon hearing no, he said "forget it" and walked out without buying the red bulls.

- the man who, to pay for his items, pulled out a jar of coins that included pennies (I'm in Canada, where pennies have been discontinued for almost a decade)

- the man who came in and asked if any sex stores are in the area and open (it was 2 am). after telling him no he tried buying condoms, for which his card declined. he then proceeded to ask me if I wanted to hang out with him when my shift was over.

- the ridiculously drunk man who came in at three in the morning and when I said "hi!" he replied "good"

- the boys in their early twenties who came in at 3am and while waiting for me to grab the slurpee cup i overheard one of them say "look at how good his hair looks, i feel like i should be being fucked looking at it."

- the man who paid for a pack of cigs almost entirely in quarters

- *we'd started doing donations for covid relief in India* the man who after asking if there were sizes for the condoms, during the transaction i asked if he'd like to make a donation and he said "why would I donate to covid?" after his payment went through he said "would you?" and i said "donate to a covid relief fund?" and he said "yeah" and i was like "??? yes???"

- two people asked me if I said the donation was for chlamydia. the first guy said "if it's for chlamydia then I'm not donating" but the second guy said "i mean chlamydia sucks too, I'd donate either way"

- the three very drunk and very considerate girls who were all dressed as flappers

- the guy who asked for four tea bags for his 12oz cup and proceeded to make what I'm assuming was an attempt at a London fog

- the man who came in at about 3:40 after I'd already completed cash counts. he put a jug of chocolate milk on the counter and said "does it bother you that I'm buying this? like, can you keep it a secret just between us?" and i was like "i mean yeah sure" and then i noticed he was holding several rolls of dimes and i told him "i can't take cash right now as I've already completed the counts for shift change" and he was like "not even for gas?" and i was internally like "yeah duh" and then he goes "look man i can go without the gas but i have to have my chocolate milk" and i was like "there's nothing i can do" and then he said "do you drink chocolate milk?" and i said "not frequently, no" and he said "oh, not since you were six?" and i was like "I'm lactose intolerant" which shut him up for about three seconds before he said "you're really not gonna budge?" and then walked out

- the guy who asked for the bathroom and when I said there's no public access he said "what about friends, I've been here twice" and i said "unless you're staff you don't get to use it" and he said "i have a staph infection, does that count" and when my unimpressed look told him no he said "well i tried" and left

- the eighty year old man who was actively using a Bowser snap wallet

- the guy who had to change his tire directly in front of the store at two in the morning

- the guy who punched me in the face with a bottle of iced tea, causing me a concussion and ultimately causing me to quit my job

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

Penny being trans + autistic coded made me resonate with her as I am nonbinary and autistic myself. Her being a robot felt like me when I have to hide my neurodivergent traits. Her getting confirmation that she wasn't just a robot/machine but a real girl felt so validating. I don't have to look like everyone else to still be considered "real".

Ironwood's semblance being literal hyperfixiation, something I've dealt with since I have ADHD + autism would have made me feel better about myself. This is a man who, despite everything: his PTSD, being an amputee, still was a kind-hearted man. This is something rarely seen in media. I was happy.

Then they fucked up both Penny and Ironwood in ways that struck me. Penny is hacked into and forced to comply with basically forced suicide- she was to open the vault, then self-destruct.

Ironwood, oh dear god. They couldn't wait to fuck him over. He was so HAPPY to see team RWBYJNROQ. He told them everything about his plan, trusting them with literal GOVERNMENT secrets, giving them a place to stay, FREE weapon upgrades (Atlas is known for its advanced technology), hell even gave them their HUNTRESS LICENSES THREE-ISH YEARS EARLY (which Ruby later uses as a credibility source in her broadcast, which was eerily similar to Cinder's in Volume 3, when she says IRONWOOD CANNOT BE TRUSTED.)

Not to mention that she conveniently forgot she was calling for help from OTHER KINGDOMS. OF COURSE they wouldn't arrive soon enough. And no one had reason to trust her. She's a nobody. She was at the Vytal Festival and her team made it all the way to the singles? Cool. Ruby wasn't the final fighter, hell after the 4 vs 4 match she didn't compete further.

Blake would have obviously been a bad choice: she's a faunus and if anyone knows about the White Fang, they might recognize her.

Yang is more known than Ruby, but the world saw her kick an unarmed teen in the finals round. She doesn't have too good a reputation.

Weiss? She's well known as the Heiress, but also her singing. Having her give the speech is a mixed bag: on one hand, she's a recognizable face. On the other, that's a problem. Her father, the CEO of the SDC, is known for his cruelty. Blake said it herself way back in Volume 1: questionable business practices and partners.

So... How about no broadcast at all? What did her broadcast accomplish?

Nothing. Help didn't arrive and likely caused more panic. Plus, people still had a negative view of Atlas, as the last thing the world saw was Atlesian soldiers turning against civilians.

The last broadcast was before Beacon fell. So likely another hacker giving a message would be met with fear.

And what attracts Grimm? Negativity.

Ruby's broadcast could have been a DEATH SENTENCE to so many. But no, this is treated as the... Right course of action?

Ruby and co. hates Ironwood's plan, yet it's clear they don't have one. RWB spends a lot of time moping around the manor drinking tea. Team YOJR (Yang, Oscar, Jaune and Ren) actually DO SOMETHING. Oscar gets kidnapped and they chase after him. Ren rightfully points out that NONE OF THEM SHOULD BE DOING THIS. But that goes against the Hivemind™, so he must apologize and agree to whatever the fuck Ruby decides to do.

Which is NOTHING! RWBY didn't even take down the hound: WILLOW and WHITLEY did. A drunk woman and an unarmed teen defeated it.

Oscar is the one who blows up the whale (with his time bomb? huh??)

Ruby whines that it's all too much, cries on a staircase while her sister (remember that Ruby and Yang are related????) comforts her. The scene has no emotional depth because the two barely interact anymore.

OH GOD AND WHEN YANG TAKES A HIT FROM NEO THAT WAS MEANT FOR RUBY IT TAKES HER OUT COMPLETELY. AURA? GONE. HELL, SHE'S EVEN UNCONSCIOUS. I swear it's like the animation budget could only afford to have ONE character react, and it's Blake "sad kitty face" Belladonna. Not Ruby, who is her sister. WHO HAS A SPEED SEMBLANCE. But no, they just watch her fall, not knowing if she's alive.

Ruby has more of a reaction to CRESCENT ROSE, HER FUCKING WEAPON falling.

Which is retconned so hard in the Vol 9 trailer, where she tells Neo "I hope it was worth it" before falling into the void. Huh??

Anyways I'm rambling again but I am so angry!

-🎼

Never, ever, EVER apologize for rambling. I LOVE hearing peoples thoughts and sometimes it's a really nice feeling to let out your frustrations and anger towards something that has caused you harm and it really REALLY sounds like this caused you a lot of harm and so I do not blame you one bit for being hurt and angry. I should apologize for this taking so long. This was a lot and I needed to sort my thoughts and even so I probably missed some points so I also apologize for that.

Penny and Ironwoods biggest mistake was trusting and being kind to RWBY. They lied and betrayed James and treated him like garbage even though he showed them nothing but kindness and did whatever he could to help them and listened to them. Penny was told what to do and think far more so then James ever supposedly did. Ruby decided to give her a new body, decided she didn't like how James was treating her and that she thought James was a bad person, and decided that Penny was better off with them. Penny stopped being able to make her own decisions once she started hanging out with RWBY and co.

Really though what did they all think was going to happen when they sent out a message that matched beat to bear a lot of what Cinder said before Atlas fell? Did she think about the panic that would cause? Did she forget she was worried about Ironwood telling everyone back in Volume 7 because of the panic it would cause everyone??? Did that just conveniently slip her mind?

I honestly think Weiss would have been the best choice to give the broadcast of them all but I don't think they should have sent out the broadcast in the first place. It should realistically only cause panic and death but the narrative is gonna yadda yadda right past all of that.

Oh god yea RWBY and co complain and whine and scream that Ironwoods plan is bad whilst offering up no alternatives then just taking his plan and acting like it was theirs the whole time. They even did this in Volume 7 when in episode 2 they where worried about James telling Atlas about Salem and then turning around and acting all happy and shocked when James told everyone near the end of the season as if they wanted him to the whole time and not the other way around.

Man RWBY really did jack shit all volume huh? As you said all the major things side characters did: Fight James TWICE: Winter, Emerald, and JNRO.

Try and rescue Oscar: JRY

Blow up the Whale: Oscar

"Redeem" Hazel and Emerald: Again Oscar

Defeat the hound: Whitley and Willow

Launch the tower: Penny

Help defend Mantel against the swarm of Grimm: FNKI and the soldiers that all died trying to buy Ruby time while she cries in a mansion.

Like what does this girl do to help any of the people SHE trapped???

Oh god Ren, poor Ren, he's finally seeing the light but he can't stray from the Hivemind so he needs to get back in, we can't question the pure and perfect Ruby her plans are always right even if it causes Salem to get two relics and destroys the only kingdom with an army or the technology to restore global communications in the process.

Yea you're right like CRWBY can make excuses all day for why Ruby didn't react to Yang falling and MAYBE I can buy her not using her Semblance because she's in shock but not crying or reacting at ALL to her supposed death?? Why does her weapon get a more emotional response then her SISTER? Why is only BLAKE allowed to be sad about Yang supposedly dying? Why does fucking WINTER have more of a reaction to her sister dying?

Why are all the people we are supposed to be rooting for so fucking unlikeable???

[inevitably-johnlocked]

30 FAVE BOOKMARKS of 2020

Happy New Year’s Eve-Eve, everyone!! 

And welcome to the Last Fic Rec Wednesday of 2020! No one asked for this at all, but I enjoy making unprompted lists for everyone, and I’ve been doing this list since January 2020 :P

I’ve read some FANTASTIC fics this year, and now seems like a good time as any to share with y’all some  of those amazing fics I’ve added to List of Love! I had to even whittle it down today to get it to 25 – the number I like as a “top xx” thing, so I am very disheartened that a lot of my bookmarks this year didn’t make the list :( It’s been a long time since I’ve done a “last XX bookmarked fics” list, maybe I’ll do one of those soon.

First off let’s start with 5 honourable mentions of Other Fandom fics, because I spent a lot of my summer indulging in my renewed Rimmster ship so I have a few amazing RD fics y’all should read LOL

FIVE OTHER-FANDOM HONOURABLE MENTIONS

Réveillon by Big_Edies_Sun_Hat (T, 6,431 w., 3 Ch. || GOOD OMENS || Christmas Eve, Angst, Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Relationship, Established Relationship, International Travel, Moments in Time, Historical / Biblical Interpretation) – After a gloomy history with Christmas, Aziraphale shows Crowley how he has learned to seek out the good in it by traveling around the world on Christmas Eve. Highlights include: the Annunciation; potholes; international teleportation; peace and hope; arson; Lupe gets a doll of her very own.

Out With It by Clipped_Ionian_Vowels (T, 10,255 w., 1 Ch. || RED DWARF || Post-Ace, Reclaimed Slurs, Getting Together, Sexuality, Coming Out) – Rimmer finally comes home, hangs up the wig and decides to set the crew 'straight' about one thing; he's not. And neither, it transpires, is Lister.

Standards by Kahvi & Roadsterguy (E, 11,725 w., 2 Ch. || RED DWARF || Hard Light Rimmer, Bickering, Humour, First Time, Over-Protective Kryten, Cranky Rimmer, Exploring Derelicts, Arguing Leads to Awkward Flirting, Showering Together, Intense Orgasms) – Yet another supply raid on a derelict leads Rimmer and Lister to an argument, which in turn leads to... something that's still fairly close to an argument. You get lonely in space, but you do have standards.

speed limits (and how to break them) by darcylindbergh (E, 13,750 w., 4 Ch. || GOOD OMENS || POV Crowley, UST/URT, Mutual Pining, Romance, First Kiss/Time, Crowley’s Anxiety, Gift Giving, Humour, Touching, Awkwardness, Love Confessions, Sussex, Fantasies Become Real, Marriage Proposal, Sensuality, Bottom Crowley) – There is a trick people do with a mint candy and a bottle of cola which results in a small eruption, and something very like it, for much higher stakes than a laugh in a car park, is about to take place in Aziraphale’s back room. Or: what happens when you finally unscrew the cap on a six thousand years of repression, and drop in Valentine’s Day.

Hand in Glove by lizardkid (T, 14,223 w., 1 Ch. || RED DWARF || Post-S9, Internalized Homophobia, Repression, Hurt/Comfort, Lister Whump, Worried Rimmer, Ableist Language, Cuddling) – Lister is mortally wounded in an accident. Rimmer is forced to reassess everything.

------------------

AND NOW: The reason y’all are here! Please know I love EVERYTHING I’ve read and bookmarked, just these ones have really stuck with me and I’ve already re-read a few of these, so yeah, please do enjoy. 

Please note that these fics aren’t all necessarily NEW fics for 2020, more like they were new to ME, and ergo, I bookmarked and started reccing them this year! There are a few newer fics, though, so yeah, apologies if you were expecting only new things.

Hope you all have a good New Year’s Day, and I hope this list makes the long weekend a great one until my FIRST Fic Rec Sunday of 2021! I might do two on Sunday just to celebrate the new year, hahah. <3 Love you all!

TOP 25 JOHNLOCK BOOKMARKS OF 2020

SEE ALSO:

Top 20 Bookmarks of 2018

Top 25 Bookmarks of 2019

The Imminent Danger of a Tumblr-Night by Loveismyrevolution (T, 2,135 w., 1 Ch. || Tumblr Fics, Friends to Lovers, Sherlock is Out of His Depth, Humour, Fluff, Pining Sherlock, Military Kink, POV Sherlock) – Sherlock gets into trouble when he pretends to know all about John's favourite social media site - tumblr. To save face he seeks help from one of the bloggers and gains more answers than he had aimed for.

Living Musical by VeeTheRee (G, 4,149 w. 1 Ch. || Est. Rel., Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Hobbies, Summer, Song Fic, POV Sherlock, Painting, Play Fighting, Soft Sherlock, Dancing, Love Declarations, Hair Petting, Promise of Forever) – A one-shot of John and Sherlock being domestic during summer. There is paint, fluff, and music from Imagine Dragons, namely from the album 'Speak To Me', specific song in this one-shot is 'Living Musical'. Part 1 of the Happy Fluffy Johnlock Time series

Stranded by BeautifulFiction (T, 5,798 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss, Communication / Relationship Discussion, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock POV, BAMF John, Doctor John, Case Fic, Drinking, Huddling For Warmth, Friends to More) –  When stranded on a derelict barge at high tide, John and Sherlock reconsider their friendship.

Bridges by sussexbound (M, 6,602 w., 1 Ch || Post-TLD / S4 Fix It, Love Confessions, Mending Relationships, Moving Back In, Pining Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Past Abuse, Shaving) – The silence between them is deafening, interrupted only by the hum of the traffic outside, and the soft click-clunk of the plastic cups Rosie is playing with on the floor beside them. It is the first time they have been alone together, since Sherlock’s birthday. It’s only been two days, but it feels huge, important, like there is a precarious bridge stretched out before them both that they need to at least attempt to traverse.

To be loved by Strange_johnlock (E, 12,436 w., 8 Ch. || Post S3, Established Relationship, First Person POV Sherlock, Pet Names, Soft Sherlock, Mild ADHD, Protective John, Captain Watson, Body Appreciation, Bottomlock, Rough Sex, Travelling for Holidays, Introspection, Sherlock Loves John So Much It Hurts) – John is so deeply integrated into the work, both as my conductor of light, and as a great shot with a vicious right hook who tackles men -and women- no matter their size all in my defense. He protects me with all he can without question, and this loyalty is surely more than I deserve. Or: Sherlock is counting his blessings.

On The Fence by BeautifulFiction (T, 13,770 w., 1 Ch. || Fencing, Case Fic, First Kiss, Insecure John, Pining John, Hug, Greg Finds Out) – The murder of the King's College fencing champion leads to revelations about Sherlock's past. Will it be the point that tips them from friends to lovers, or will they remain on the fence?

The Invocation of Saint Margaret by Ewebie (E, 15,831 w., 1 Ch. || POV John, Crossing Timelines, Light Angst, Fluff, Series 3 John / Series 1 Sherlock, The Matchbox, Mushy Romance, First Time, Bisexual John, Pining John, Bottomlock, Love Confessions, Sensuality, Emotional Love Making, Snippets of Time) – When Sherlock Holmes opens the matchbox from The Sign of Three and John finds himself years in the past, back to that first dinner at Angelo's with a much younger Sherlock Holmes. Is he dreaming?

Permanent Fixture by vitruvianwatson (E, 18,836 w., 9 Ch || Post-S4, Parentlock, Slow Build, Friends to Lovers, They’re Good Parents, Blushing Sherlock, First Kiss/Time, Explicit Consent, Sexual Content, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Big Feelings, Crying, First Kiss, Fluff, Anxious Sherlock, Inexperienced Sherlock, Emotional Communication, Love Confessions) – Now, as Rosie sat curled up against Sherlock’s side, John watched and wondered exactly how he had ended up here. Domesticity had never suited him before, not at any point in his life. His disastrous marriage had been proof of that. But somehow, here in the warmth and safety of 221B Baker Street, here with Sherlock Holmes reading medical jargon to his daughter, Sherlock’s bony feet nudging against his leg, John couldn’t imagine anyplace that would make him happier.

Division by MrsNoggin (E, 19,542 w., 11 Ch. || Coffee Shop AU || First Kiss/Time, Fluff, Barista Sherlock, Clingy Sherlock, POV John, John’s Limp, Bed Sharing, Fluff, Sleepy Cuddles, Sensuality, Touching, Virgin Sherlock, Insecure John) – John likes mysteries. And every morning he dips into the local independent coffee bar with his newspaper and ponders another... one Sherlock Holmes.

Out of the Woods by SilentAuror (E, 20,471 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Romance, Slow Burn, Flirting, Drunk Sex, Practical Jokes, POV Sherlock, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Pining Sherlock, Frustrated Wanking, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, First Kiss/Time, Virgin Sherlock, Love Confessions, Soft Sherlock, Dancing, Bum Appreciation, Hanging out with the Yard) – Sherlock is fairly certain that John has taken to flirting with him of late, but can't be entirely certain of it. At least, not until a case takes them into a forest, along with Lestrade's team and something happens that will change everything about their lives...

Inscrutable to the Last by DiscordantWords (M, 48,842 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, Alternate S3, John’s Blog/S3 is a Story By John, Divorce, Marital Difficulties, John is a Mess, Emotional Reunion, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Grief / Mourning, Pining John, First Kiss, Adorably Clueless Sherlock, Nostalgia, Love Confessions, Eventual Happy Ending) – He wasn't Sherlock, he couldn't work miracles. All he'd ever been able to do was write about them.

Anchor Point by trickybonmot (E, 49,856 w., 80 Ch. || Truman Show AU || Psychological Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Dark Characters / Fic, Alternating First/Third Person, Protective John, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Tender Moments, Love Confessions, Hand/Blow Jobs, Cuddling, Jealous John, First Kiss/Time) – The world tunes in nightly for Sherlock, the ultimate in reality TV: Sherlock Holmes, a real person with a legendary name, unknowingly lives out his life in a staged setting contrived by his brother. Things get complicated when a retired army doctor joins the show to play the part of Sherlock's closest friend. This fic borrows its concept from the 1998 film, the Truman Show. However, you don't need to have any knowledge of the movie to enjoy this story.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by SilentAuror (E, 50,635 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4/S4 Divergence, Case Fic, For a Case / Reverse Fake-Relationship, Conferences, Marriage Equality, Travelling / New York, Pride, Homophobia, Bottomlock, Marriage Proposal, John POV, Sexuality, Love Confessions, Emotional Love Making, Public Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Passionate Kissing, Needy/Clingy Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Touching / Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Little Spoon Sherlock, Intense Orgasms) – John and Sherlock go to New York to attend a conference run by the National Defence of Traditional Marriage Coalition in order to investigate the potential bombing of the annual Manhattan Pride parade. As the conference unfolds, John finds himself repulsed by the toxic ideology being presented, which becomes relevent to his own unacknowledged issues and his friendship with Sherlock...

A Goose Quill Dipped in Venom by Polyphony (M, 52,748 w., 16 Ch. || Celebrity John AU || Alternate First Meeting, TV Host John, Supermodel Mary, Character Death, Mystery, Romance, Case Fic, First Kiss/Time, Meddling Mycroft, Drug Abuse, Doctor John, PDA, Deductions, POV Sherlock, Toplock, Sexual Tension, Angry/Rough Sex, Hopeful Ending, Asperger’s Sherlock) – Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective, is called in to a very ordinary although brutal murder. Something is badly out of tune with the whole scenario and Sherlock finds himself becoming more and more obsessed with the crime - and also with the victim.

Points by lifeonmars (E, 53,791 w., 42 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || HLV Rewrite / Canon Divergence, Married Life, Pregnancy / Baby Watson, Drinking to Cope, Boxing / Fisticuffs, Clueless John, Angst, Minor Medical Drama, Tattoos, Christmas, First Kiss/Time, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Doctor John, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Case Fic, Drugging, Blow/Hand Job, Emotional Love Making, Parenthood, Passage of Time) – What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other.

Isosceles by SilentAuror (E, 56,609 w., 7 Ch. || Post-S4, POV John, Original Male Character / Sherlock Dates Another Man, Love Triangle, Jealous John, Virgin Sherlock, Sexual Coaching, Angst, Romance, Domesticity, Unrequited Feelings, Miscommunication, First Kiss/Time, For a Case, Friends With Benefits, Bottomlock, Love Confessions, Spooning) – After solving a case for a major celebrity, Sherlock gets himself asked out. When John asks, he discovers that Sherlock has no intention of going, at least not until John agrees to coach him through whatever he might need to know for his date...

Lunar Landscapes by J_Baillier (M, 57,046 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || S3/TAB Fix-It, Slow Burn Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Drugs, Pain, Medical, Injury, Sherlock Whump, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Romance, Secrets, Tragedy, Trauma, BAMF John, Doctor!John, Drug Addict Sherlock, Injured Sherlock, Grieving John, Idiots In Love, Protective John, POV John Watson, PTSD Sherlock, Sherlock is a Mess, Medical Realism) – An accident forces John to face the fact that Sherlock's downward spiral had started long before his flight to exile even left the tarmac.

Gold Rush by ShirleyCarlton (E, 71,783 w., 17 Ch. || Post S3 / No Mary, Friends to Lovers, Mentions of Past Sexual Abuse, First Kiss, Case Fic, Slow Burn, Alternating POV, Switchlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Marriage Proposal, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Abduction, Anxious/Insecure Sherlock, Miscommunication, Emotional Lovemaking) – John has divorced Mary and pops round to 221B one evening to find Sherlock in the middle of a case. As Sherlock tries to find the identity of a young woman’s stalker, John realises he can no longer deny his feelings for Sherlock – which then, to their befuddlement, turn out to be mutual. Shy kisses and tentative embraces ensue. But will Sherlock be able to cast off a shadow from his past that he thinks might prevent John from wanting to stay?

Repairing the Broken Things by BakerTumblings (M, 75,252 w., 15 Ch. || S4 Compliant, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Trauma, Hospitals, Big Brother Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Realizations, Severe Accident, John Whump, Pneumonia, Medical Procedures, Bed Sharing, First Time, Healing, Happy Ending) – "I'm calling today to notify you that there's been an accident."

Thermocline by J_Baillier (M, 83,557 w., 14 Ch. || Scuba Diving AU || Adventure, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Marine Archaeology, Asexual Sherlock, Horny John, Relationship Drama, Technical/Scuba/Wreck Diving, Slow Burn, Underwater /  Medical Peril, Doctor John, Hurt Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock, John POV, Protective John, Body Appreciation) – John "Five Oceans" Watson — technical dive instructor, dive accident analyst and weapon of mass seduction — meets recluse professor of maritime archaeology Holmes. As they head out to a remote archipelago off the coast of Guatemala to study and film its shipwrecks for a documentary, will sparks fly or fizzle out?

Kintsukuroi by sussexbound (E, 91,823 w., 20 Ch. || S4 Compliant / Post-TLD, Grief / Mourning, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Therapy, Past Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Suicidal Ideation, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Sexting, Frottage, Inexperienced Sherlock, Rimming / Anal / BJ’s, Emotional Turmoil, Finding Each Other) – “I love you.” Sherlock sees the words hit John with almost physical force. He reels back a little, jaw twitching and eyes filling. “I love you,” he repeats, a little softer, a little more gentle, as earnest as he possibly can. Because they’ve been teetering on the brink of this thing for years, and it had become painfully obvious over the last few months that they were at a tipping point. This had to happen. Now it has. Now they can see where they end up. The tears in John’s eyes spill over, and he wipes at them angrily. “Do you even know what that means?”  

The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Asexual Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Flashbacks, Bullying, 1980′s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Case Fic, Sherlock’s Past, Awkward Conversations, Anxious Sherlock) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series

Northwest Passage by Kryptaria (E, 95,157 w., 27 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Canadian AU ||  BAMF!John, Canadian John, PTSD, Anal / Oral Sex, Rimming, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Drug Rehab, Falling in Love, Pining Sherlock, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Violin, Panic Attacks, Switching, Anxious / Protective Sherlock, Hugs for Comfort, Suicide Mentions, Healing Each Other) – Seven years ago, Captain John Watson of the Canadian Forces Medical Service withdrew from society, seeking a simple, isolated life in the distant northern wilderness of Canada. Though he survives from one day to the next, he doesn't truly live until someone from his dark past calls in a favor and turns his world upside-down with the introduction of Sherlock Holmes." Part 1 of Tales from the Northwest

The Bang and the Clatter by earlgreytea68 (M, 137,049 w. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Baseball AU || Slow Burn / Dev. Rel., Possessive/Obsessive Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Mutual Pining, Body Appreciation, Depression, Closeted Sexuality, Family, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Ogling Each Other, Anxious Sherlock, Panic Attack, Drunkenness, Talk of Forever, Big Feelings™) – Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it's a baseball AU. Part 1 of Baseball

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

[stolen-kisses-a]

The Night Ali Disappeared ~ A PLL Night of Terror ~

In other words, the night Ali had too many people against and after her and she almost got murdered for it. 

 *most info comes from a PLL site if I can’t remember every little detail so I rewrote the majority of my version of events and copy and pasted some parts along with some of the pictures, so credit goes to them for putting it altogether for us.

Link:  https://prettylittleliars.fandom.com/wiki/Sequence_of_Events_-_Alison%27s_Disappearance#The_Day_Alison_Went_Missing_-_September_1 

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Lets take a trip down memory lane shall we??? This is gonna be a long one. Read it if you want to or read it from the link as well :)

1. The morning of: Alison went to Hilton Head to meet up and be with Ian to get her mind off of - A. And at the same time Melissa was there with Ian but in separate rooms. Melissa showed up in Ian’s room and was angry with Ian for knowing Ali is there with him and he tells her that Alison means nothing to him, that’s when Alison finds Ian’s creepy pedo videos and it happens to be one of Toby and Jenna. She gets a copy of the video and then leaves.

2. Alison checks into the Lost Woods Resort under her Alias Vivian. Sparia also found out she checked in another time. But the dates are confusing. This will be explained later on (#23).

3. Alison then dressed up as Vivian Darkbloom and had Duncan fly her from Hilton Head to a field near Philadelphia 6-7 hours before the girls believed her to arrive (I’m not sure if it’s true or not). She then was going to meet A face to face finally after having a newspaper convo back and forth with them, but supposedly that never happened. They were supposed to meet nearby of what looks like a creepy doll hospital (cuz Mona loves dolls), supposedly Alison called the police that same day near the street where the hospital was - not sure what for if this was true as Alison never confirmed it.

4. Alison then goes visits Jenna in the hospital, to show her the video of Jenna and Toby together as blackmail, because she thought Jenna was A. Turns out to be false as A sends her a death threat right after leaving Jenna’s room. 

5. That afternoon: Alison then “returns home” from Georgia with bags looking very tan and saying her arms are sore. One bag had a tag on it from Hilton Head, Spencer obviously questions it and Alison asks her “why so many questions?” and reiterates she can’t spill every detail and tells the girls to “wait for it” repeatedly.

6. Alison returns home and finds a gift from her mom with the infamous yellow top and she turns around after changing in her room and sees a threatening message from A on her mirror.

7.  That same day, Alison bought a storage locker to hide Ian’s videos before stopping by to see Emily and flirt with her some to then give her a snow globe with the storage locker key inside the bottom of it. Alison then leaves for a “prior engagement” although it was never revealed who she went to see next before coming to Spencer’s barn for the sleep over.

8. Before heading over to the sleepover. Alison returns home again and runs into her mom (on the phone with Radley because Bethany escaped and Charlotte escaped as well to go after her). Her mom wanted to Ali to stay in for obvious reasons even though the excuse that she just didn’t want to her going out. Alison then fights back by saying she planned this ages ago and was told it was ok to do. Then she mentions about Spencer being a bully and that she took care of it (really, Spencer a bully?). Then Ali’s mom remarks to Ali “She knows things about  that family Ali doesn’t know” and Ali asked curiously “Really, like what?” Ali’s Mom responds that she’s seen what they are capable of and reminds Ali’s that she can never turn her back on a Hastings. -Which is exactly what Ali did after her and Spencer fought again #12). Alison then pretends to go to her room and sneaks back down to go into her moms purse to grab some sleeping pills while her mom was distracted on the phone again- what does Ali need those for? Oh, we’ll find out soon.

9. That Night: Alison arrives at Spencer's barn and pranks and jumps to the barn doors and scares the girls. Heading inside, she gets a text from Toby to meet her. The girls hang for a bit and gossip about Beyonce’s new song and then Ali throws some shade at Emily for liking it too much (totally not homophobic am i right??). She then spikes the girls drink with her moms medicine to knock them out. Aria drinks first and Spencer jokes to Aria to not drink to much or she’ll tell them all her secrets. The Ali ironically says “Friends shares secrets, that’s what keeps us close. Drink up”.;)  We can only assumed Emily, Hanna and Spencer drank afterwards. After the girls fell asleep, she then meets Toby outside of the barn doors so he can thank her for getting Jenna to leave him alone. Toby then gives her his sweater because she was cold.

10. After speaking with Toby, Alison leaves Spencer’s backyard to meet up with Ezra. *cringe*.Toby also saw this as well (Although this was never even mentioned by Toby either -plot hole-).Ezra is clearly mad at Ali since she lied to him about her age and then he ends things with Alison in a not so nice way..

11. *Spencer wakes up and notices Ali was missing, so she waits for her to return.*  

Alison then goes to meet Ian at the kissing rock after speaking with Ezra. (flashback moment: (I know you wanna kiss me”). this is where they fake Ian hurting Ali in the video later discovered. Alison then threatens him with his videos to make him leave her alone, Ian then says not tell anyone or else people will get hurt and then ironically “storms” off.

12. Alison returns to the barn to find Spencer awake waiting for her. Also she didn’t have Toby’s sweater anymore. Where did it go? (plot hole - only to be planted in Toby’s room to frame Toby for Alison’s murder at some point.)

They go inside Spencer’s house and have a fight about Spencer telling Melissa about her and Ian again. It gets heated and Spencer tells Alison she is sick of her games and told her, "You are dead to me already. “ Alison leaves and then Spencer runs after her. (Charlotte and Alison’s mom witness the fight and pays Charlotte off not to say anything - which is weird to pay off your own daughter). Spencer wants to continue the confrontation with Alison and Spencer grabs a shovel acting as if she was going to hit Alison with it and Spencer collapses to the ground in the midst of Alison trying to stop Spencer. Alison then discovers Spencer had been taking ADHD meds (not to mention the sleeping pills mixed in her system from Ali already) and Spencer begs Ali not to tell anyone and she agreed and then sends Spencer back to the barn with the shovel in head and Ali  then waits for her to fall back asleep. (Melissa also sees the fight and sees Spencer walking away with the shovel)

13. Meanwhile, Ian, Garrett and Jenna all meet up in Alison’s bedroom to look for the videos she stole. Melissa comes in furious looking for Alison in hopes to confront her about Ian and Ali hooking up. Garrett and Jenna leave Melissa and Ian alone to talk it out and go outside in the backyard. Alison comes up to them and then Ali reminds Jenna of the promise she made to her earlier that morning,(”If you ever come back to Rosewood, I’ll bury you”) so Jenna and Ali get into a cat fight, Ali knocks Jenna to the ground and she comes back up with the infamous now burned in Spencer’s fireplace (thanks to Mr. Hastings) field hockey stick in attempt to defend herself. Garrett takes the hockey stick from Jenna and proceeds to attack Ali with it and hits the tree next to Ali, she then falls to the ground next to the tree telling Garrett to hush with her finger. Garrett and Jenna flee the scene, with Jenna thinking Garrett killed or hurt Ali badly.

14. Garrett comes back to check on Ali to see if she’s ok (even though she wasn’t even hurt), but then notices she was talking to someone and proceeds to listen and watch to see who it was. Byron (Aria’s dad) came to speak to her about not exposing his affair to Ella because he didn’t have anymore money to give her to keep her quiet. Alison says "If you don't pay for your mistakes, how do you become a better person?" Byron replies back "You say all these grown-up things, yet you're still a child." Alison smirks and says "You know what I'm capable of." After Garrett makes some noise, Byron starts to leave and Alison threatens him again saying it's his last chance to save himself. Byron turns while he is leaving and replies, "Yes it is," presumably meaning he was going to tell Ella himself (which he obviously doesn’t). Alison then screams to him "You made your bed Mr. Montgomery,"  

15.  While Byron was leaving, Byron turns back when Alison spoke about his bed (LOL) and sees Melissa coming out from Alison’s back door on the phone with someone and says to them, "What do I have to do, call 911 to get your attention?" This is the part where we never found out who she was talking to, but it was important enough to show it to us.

16. Jason (out of nowhere) came outside to grab a drink of water from the watering hose since he was drunk and high and notices Melissa and presumably Alison talking to each other and calls out Ali’s name and then he sees Charlotte talking with Melissa instead, although this is false and never really confirmed who it actually was. As Alison and Bethany were wearing the same outfit that night, not Charlotte. It wouldn’t make sense for it to be Bethany talking to Melissa since she arrived much later, and Alison never confirmed this information either. So who knows what Jason really saw. So right after seeing them, he passes out on a lawn chair. Sometime after this, Garrett or Jenna, or both, slipped a note to Jason that says "I know what you did", in order to make him believe he hurt Alison, since Jenna thought Garrett had killed her.

 17.  Alison returns to the barn watching the girls sleep some more and waiting to get another text from A, in order to rule them out. As some time passes, Alison decides to head home thinking she won since A didn’t try to kill her. As she was walking back to her house, she sees her mom obviously angry at her through the window for sneaking out and then all of sudden. BAM!! Charlotte hits Alison over the head with a rock only because she presumed it was Bethany since she was wearing the same outfit. Her mom then proceeds to bury Alison where the gazebo spot would be (pilot episode).  She is screaming to Charlotte, "What have you done?! What have you done?!" Alison attempts to tell her mom she is alive, but cannot move or speak due to temporary paralysis. After Ali’s mom buries her, she then calls Detective Wilden and pays him off to give Charlotte an alibi and sends her back to Radley.

17. Not long after, Alison dug her way up reaching out of the ground for help/to get free, and who was there to grab her hand? Mrs. Grunwald of course, as she sensed something was wrong with Alison and had to come see what was going on and found her hand reaching for life. She then takes Ali to the hospital to get help, but then Ali runs away.

18. Meanwhile, Bethany finally shows up at Ali’s backyard, and so does Mona who was finally ready to confront and to kill Ali. But just like Charlotte’s mistake, Mona only saw the back of Bethany and presumed it was Alison and hit her over the head with the same shovel Spencer had earlier. This is when Bethany’s head gets hit so hard that it makes an indentation on her skull and she falls unconscious next to where Ali was previously buried. Mona then flees the scene.

19. Shortly after, Melissa shows up and sees Alison (obviously presuming it was her without checking) and assumed Spencer killed her based on the fight she witnessed they had earlier that night. She then proceeds to bury Bethany who was still alive in order to protect Spencer (”this whole time”)

20. And then we come back to the Pilot opening scene where the girls wake up to find Spencer and Ali missing from the barn. Spencer comes back to them and says that she looked everywhere for her and she thinks she heard her scream - which we know was probably from Bethany.

21. Later on that night, we see Alison walking on a random street after leaving Mrs. Grunwald’s aide. She is dazed and confused, hurt and traumatized by what she just went through. And who to pull up beside her? Mona. (I wonder what Mona’s plan was since she thought she killed her). 

So Mona takes Ali to the Lost Woods Resort and checks in under Vivian Darkbloom’s name for Alison. Mona proceeds to clean Ali up and Ali tells Mona what  happened and about A who tried to kill her. So smart and cunning Mona persuades Ali to fake her death so A could leave her alone for good.

22. The next day: Mona helps disguise Alison in a Vivian like wig so she can disappear. She then gives Mona tips on how to become popular and then Ali takes a car and leaves showing Mona with a eerier grin as she drives away, thinking she finally won.

23. Which comes back to the last bit of information involving Alison checking in again on 9/6 at the Lost Woods Resort 5 days later as she already checked in the night she went missing and she left the next day. So this had to be Mona checking in as her again or a plot hole in plotting clues in the storyline of Alison’s disappearance that ended up not making sense.

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It’s crazy how many people Ali saw the night/day she went missing and was almost killed. Like this girl clearly attracts trouble and drama and shit she shouldn’t be into at 15 years old.

Well, I hope you had fun reading this tale of terrors with me (if you made it to the end and didn’t go to the link lol) as much as I had fun putting it altogether and reminiscing on how it took the show 4 seasons to tell Alison’s disappearance story.

[cosmiclatte28]

6 Shots of Coffee (Jaemin x you + Dreamies)

a/n: I am back! With a sudden wild oneshot. Please be aware that this is purely fan-fiction. Anything happening here is mere pure imagination. I did not intend to connect any disorders with the idols in real life.

Warning : characters with disorders, a lot of dozing off characters, character with slight adhd (i tried my best to picture them correctly but I’m sorry if everything is wrong, i only did a short research). Mentions of orphanage, drunk parents, and a broken family. HAPPY ENDING! 

CHARACTERS : dream (minus Hyuck and Mark), Taeyong, and Yuta also our brave (y/n)! 

here we go, 

If there are three things in life you hate, that will be Jaemin, Jaemin, and oh god another team assignment with Jaemin!

Jaemin has been the most excruciating classmate you ever have! Not only did he tease you about your freakin need of keeping things in their proper place and keeping things spotless, but he also keeps using you to help him pass his classes. Yet no teacher minds your complain, and all the school girls think you're a freak for being mad about sharing a group project with the handsome guy.

No you’re not sick or weird. You just love organizing things and you like clean things a bit too much. Why? Coz you've had some bad memories with dirty things. Okay Jaemin is just another naughty kid in your class who likes to play and have fun with others, but you certainly did not find his jokes funny.

“Come on calm down (y/n)! It's only coffee, we can clean that.” Jaemin tries to laugh it off despite seeing you standing completely frozen in front of him with an empty cup and you with a  brown uniform. Although you clearly see there is a slight worry in his eyes.

You hold yourself back. How come the worst day has to become worse?! You woke up to period cramps, you forgot a homework thanks to late night distracted room cleaning, and as you were about to rush to type your homework in the library, Jaemin decided to meddle and spill his coffee on your white uniform.

A part of you want to scream and yell and pull his hair apart, but you're too tired to talk with Jaemin. Let alone think about Jaemin, there's just so many things you hate related to Jaemin.

Despite him trying his best to apologize and to help you wash your clothes, which is something new… Jaemin never cared if he messed up with you. You ended up slapping his hand away when he wants to drag you to the office to ask a spare uniform.

“Go away! I have to rush,” you push him aside with your shoulder and run to the library. Knowing so well you'll probably get another minus score and a weird look from the library thanks to your stained uniform.

You hate the feeling of sitting down with this coffee stained shirt, and as much as you want to open that shirt and change into something else, you don’t have the energy. So, after sitting down on the table with the library's laptop you stare into the keyboard only to focus more on your uniform and the least wanted thing happens.

You cry. You cry by yourself in the corner of the room and you don’t really mind the stare they give. You just want to end life here, can anyone just stab you? Or can the ground split and swallow you?

There’s another thing you hate other than Jaemin meddling with your ugly life. It's dirt and unorganized objects. Why? Well you were once a very regular kid, always playing in the rain mud and all kinds of sand. You don’t mind having dirt all over your body you know when you go home you can shower. That's until you grow up and notice how your family is different. Your parents look like they are okay, but every night you hear them argue and argue. The argument gets stronger and scarier, they shout, scream, throw things down and you were always awaken to the no longer comfy homey house. You realize one day you woke up to seeing your dad getting drunk, your mother depressed, and the house super dirty like a tornado just hold a party. It’s awful to wake up to the smell of cigar and alcohols instead of bacons and eggs. You had to keep one plate with you or else it will end up like its friends, lifeless, prickly, sharp, on the ground.

Your maid stopped working, you're moved to a new school, this middle school where you meet Jaemin and some other annoying problematic students. Your once colorful life turned dark and gloomy. No longer you woke up to morning kiss and breakfast. You find yourself sitting alone in the dining room, preparing your own sandwich from some cheap dry bread. No more nutella and you're grateful for butter.

You tried to understand, keeping all to yourself as you grow up and noticed your family is broken. You thought everything will get better, one day mom and dad will love each other again and you'll be back with the bright family you love.

Life is not that kind. Life is cruel, on your 14th birthday your dad left for another woman and your mother dropped you off to an orphanage. She said she can no longer pay for your school and living fees. Heck she even had to borrow money to buy you your monthly pads.

The cheerful friendly you turned 180° into a mournful secretive teenager. You hate everyone who looks bright and you hate every single dirt. Seeing unorganized things and dirty objects just remind you of the dark memories you want to forget.

The orphanage found your smart talent and you got a scholarship making you still able to attend the school. The orphanage you live in has a rule where there is a schedule for cleaning up and preparing dish. You meet a similar boy who has the same problem with you; just that he looks like he had overcome his bitterness and chooses to live a happy life. Which you deadly want to do but cannot.

Renjun, is the only person you talk to in that house. The adults taking care over you, still cannot make you talk comfortably with him and you're not planning to do any sooner.

“Hey, it's me. Should we make a letter to the office and go home?” Renjun's soft voice comes to your ear and you look up to him with blood red eyes.

“How long have I been crying?” you sniffle.

He shrugs his shoulder “I just came an hour ago when I noticed you're missing Chemistry class and Jaemin too. I thought he was with you.”

You scowl “Why would I be with Jaemin?”

Renjun scratches his head “I don’t know… you were always assigned a team with him… I thought both of you are rushing a task.”

“I am having a bad day.” You exhale.

Renjun shakes his head “That is more than a bad day. Here, put this on that coffee is hot or cold?” he gives you his school blazer and you gladly put it over your stained uniform.

You sigh, of course Renjun noticed. He is also like you, despise any single speck of dust.

“Jaemin spilled his cold coffee on me. Now I am late to submit my work, I'll never get the essay done and I am skipping classes. GREAT! Looks like I will be kicked out of school next week.”

Renjun shakes his head again “Silly, you're dramatic. They won’t kick you just because of that. What about your achievements?”

You scoff “They can always find another better painter. I could barely tell difference in colors.”

Renjun smiles well that’s what makes you different. The school honors your brilliant talent of drawing although you have a hard time distinguishing colors. But your emotions are well delivered on every picture you paint. That gives honor to the school when the art teacher secretly sent your works to different curators and exhibitions.

“Come, we will go home. I'll make your letter. Can you wait for me in the lobby by yourself?” Renjun smooths your hair away.

You shake your head and clearly looks afraid “Can I join you?”

He nods and lets you go with him, blaming himself for ever offering you that option.

You got home, Renjun fixes your mood by giving you new clothes. Yes, as simple as that, and you’re already less scarier than before. He makes you tea when he saw the circled date on the calendar and drops you some pain killers.

“It's that month, sorry for not noticing had I known, I'd bring you home when I heard Jaemin looking for you around the school.”

You pause from cutting the potatoes, well you need to start cooking dinner for the others. “Jaemin looked around for me?”

Renjun nods “Uh huh that's also how I know something is not right. Jaemin never looked for you except when he needs your score.”

You curl your lips “Weird. He also wanted to bring me to the office, which he never did before.”

Your sudden emotional change is a regular thing to Renjun. Although at first he has to bear with your monthly exploding sensitivity since you're the first teenage girl in this house, Renjun manages to tame you down when he calmly offer you a cup of warm chamomile tea you love.

“Maybe it’s the coffee.” You shrug it off. Come to think of it, you never see the school selling coffee but Jaemin always brings his cup of super dark coffee.

“Oh home early?” Taeyong, the oldest son of the orphanage owner, greets you both. Well Taeyong is like the head matron here, every school letter directed to him and every new kid will meet him.

“It's not her day. I brought her home before she spent another day dozing off in the school's garden.” Renjun whispers to Taeyong and the older just nods his head.

“Oh! Did I mention to you we will have a new family tonight? Please be nice, he comes from this neighborhood and we actually had been waiting for his arrival since last month, but he always escaped before his vise parents want to drop him here.

You grow annoyed at this news. Well you don’t really like having to act kind and good in front of the others. Especially when meeting new members. Taeyong always asked you to at least be welcoming and less patronizing but you cannot keep your resting bitch face to yourself.

“I might as well skip dinner.” You taunt at Taeyong “No way I am acting kind in front of that person when I had a shitty day.”

Taeyong just hums to your threat, it is nothing new. You're a stone heart and he doesn’t want to have to slap you because of your stubbornness.

“I don’t mind. Just try to be welcoming, he had a rough time too.” Taeyong waves his hand and disappears behind his study room.

“I wonder who is going to join us. Our dining table is empty after Mark and Hyuck got adopted.” Renjun is excited to welcome the new family, maybe because he really likes it better here and therefore, he wants to make sure everyone else is welcomed.

Unlike you who still can't swallow the bitter truth. For you, your real family was the best, yet you didn’t know when everything started to fall apart.

The other comes home, you see Jisung, Jeno, and Chenle coming from the backyard and you hide yourself back on your room. Dinner is ready they just have to heat it up. The stew.

You close your window and come back to sit in front of your paper. Trying to remember what project you missed and have to do.

You look around the room, you used to have a bigger room, but after Taeyong knew you cannot stay still when there are mess, he moved you to a smaller room where you cannot store so many things. He said its for your own good. He doesn’t want you to stress yourself and distract your studies just to clean things up.

You feel your stomach rumbling but when you hear the noisy sound downstairs, you remember the new family. Actually, you are curious, so you sneak from your room and take a peek from the walls.

Your mind might be playing tricks on you, you rub your eyes and focus more to the familiar man in the same uniform as yours. You want to doubt it, but when you hear Jisung repeats his name you want to jump away from this house and run far away.

Life must have hated you so much to send Na Jaemin not only to your school but also to your “house".

Although you try to ignore him, your mind wonders what makes him come here. He looks like he is okay, only naughty, but he doesn’t look like an orphan.

“Dinner?” Yuta, Taeyong's younger brother asks you when he was about to go down and greet Jaemin.

You quickly gasp and shake your head before making a quick run to lock yourself in your room.

You try to think of any reason why Jaemin is here… from dinner to nine you cannot think of doing other thing rather than fiddling with your pen as you let your brain wonder and wonder.

Only around twelve did you suddenly jolt and realize you've wasted another night without doing your paper. You hear a step on the squeaky floor, and you have to stay quiet. Taeyong and Yuta wouldn’t like seeing you still awake this late. However, you don’t recognize the footsteps. Must be Jaemin’s.

The next morning, you escape earlier from the house. Leaving before breakfast for the sake of not meeting Jaemin. You're still mad at him and you hate him. You hate him for giving you hard times at school and now at “home".

You were waiting in the class when suddenly Jaemin comes into the class with a nervous face. You wonder did he just see a ghost? Jaemin really looks out of his place. Did he finally realize he is thrown away to the orphanage? Or did he finally realize you're secretly writing foot notes to the teacher that Jaemin is only leeching on your grades? Did he get called by the office?

You try your best to stop distracting your mind and continue working your essay. Thank goodness you can submit the work when the teacher leaves the class, only then did you see Jaemin's frozen state on his chair.

“Jaem?” you surprise yourself too for calling out his name. He also looks surprised.

“Yes?” he puts on his damn sickening pretty smile back like he always did to other students.

“Erase that smile. It's creepy.” You mutter and the other girls in your class is wanting to end you up there and then.

“Sorry, it’s just that… I … I didn’t get my coffee this morning.”

You raise your brow, oh right. Taeyong and Yuta are not giving us caffeine until we are 20.

You raise a brow “And? Can’t you skip once?”

His feet thump on the floor and he looks around nervously “You're right. I- don’t mind me.” He stands up and suddenly leaves you with bigger question mark in your head.

He sure is weird. What’s wrong with skipping one cup of that bitter liquid?

--

“(Y/n)! Come let's go home.” Renjun greets you on the lobby as you wait for the youngers to come too.

“Noona, you should meet Jaemin hyung! He is so sweet last night!” Jisung tugs on your uniform.

You frown and shudder your shoulder “Jisung, I hate that man.”

Jeno just laughs at your words and at Jisung's surprised expression “So, should we wait for him?”

You click your tongue “Actually that weird man left class after the first session and did not come back to class. Maybe he ran away. Let's go before it rains.” You start leaving the lobby, but no one follows you.

“Is it because of us?” Jisung worriedly asks his brothers.

Renjun thinks for a while “You mean what happened this morning?”

Jisung nods. Your ear can still hear them, for they start walking after you too. You have to hold yourself from turning around and asking them what happened this morning that made him weird!

When the five of you enter the house, that's when your brain finally clicked on what Jaemin must be suffering.

There in the middle of the living room, is Jaemin looking so uncomfortable as he forces his hand to write on a paper with a textbook opened by his side, but what comes out of his hand is just scribbles of lines and curves and he looks like he is painting instead of writing an essay.

“So damn hard to be productive!” he suddenly throws his pen and pulls his hair. All five of you are shocked to see this. Even you! You never see this side of Jaemin in school.  He always looks like the charming prince every girl’s crush, but this is definitely not the same man.

His lips are trembling, limbs unable to stop shaking and he looks in pain. And he starts to hit himself as if scolding his body for not cooperating.

You are in awe and you have to quickly usher Jisung and Chenle away.

“Jaemin! Calm down okay.” Jeno and Renjun quickly stand by his side and tries to keep the boy from hitting himself.

You bring Jisung and Chenle to their rooms while your head is quickly thinking of what to do. You sure see he is panicking and he's throwing tantrum. Taeyong and Yuta are not here yet but when you see your reflection on the window with a clean uniform suddenly your mind reminds you of the incident yesterday.

Coffee. Na Jaemin needs coffee. As silly as it sounds, you've read somewhere that coffee can help someone with ADHD or something like that. You're not sure, but you want to give it a chance. You run to your room, break your saving jar and pick out the bills you've been saving.

“Jaemin, how many shots?” you ask him when you pass through him.

Renjun and Jeno look at you with question in their face but Jaemin understands you and holds out a number with his hand.

Your eyes widen but you run to the nearest coffee shop, the one with the brand you always see Jaemin holding.

“Give me americano with six shots of espresso. Cold I don’t know with water or not.” You sound as mad as a hatter, but the barista seems to notice something.

“Are you by any chance taking an order for Jaemin?” he asks you nod your head baffled that he is a regular here until the shift knows his order and name.

“I was confused when the morning shift told me Jaemin skipped his coffee today. Alright i'll make it like how he always orders.” The man with a name tag Mark punches the bill and gives you the amount.

You don’t mind paying such high price for the black bitter drink you never like, as soon as Mark hands you the drink you walk as fast as you can back to the house.

You see Renjun waiting for you in the porch and he looks pale.

“Where did you go?! I was worried.” Renjun almost scolds you for leaving suddenly.

You walk past him “Jaemin! I have your coffee.” You yell at him, who is currently staring on the TV that's off. Jeno is still sitting next to him, afraid that Jaemin will do anything dangerous.

Jaemin's eyes widen as he quickly takes over the drink and gulp it down like his life depends on it.

All three of you wait for him to finish half of his drink and like magic, Jaemin looks calmer.

He closes his eyes and leans on the couch. His head rests on the small pillow Jeno tosses to him and you can see his usual self back.

After ten minutes, he opens his eyes stretches his body and like a robot who has his reset button pressed, Jaemin shoots a “what?” look to the three of you.

“Sorry if I freaked all of you out. I…” he shyly scratches his head “I have a minor ADHD and … coffee seems to be helping me focus and calm down.”

Now everything clicks. You understand why the teacher actually always assigned you with him, because no one else can handle Jaemin as patient as you and you're too blunt to notice he has his own trouble. You understand why he always brings a coffee to the class and why he looks calm when he has them. Unlike yesterday when he spilled it over you, you clearly see a slight terror in his eyes, and he disappeared from class. Maybe he was shy of showing his true self in class. You now know the reason he skipped class today because of the lack of caffeine and you just didn’t know he is also as wrecked as you guys.

That night, Jaemin knocks on your door and invites you to join dinner.

“You skipped dinner last night, I don’t know if it’s because I was there… and yesterday I was really ruining your day. I'm sorry I wasn’t a good friend too at school.” Jaemin speaks rather in a calm tone and you're taken aback he can speak in a soft kind voice and not the high pitch annoying teasing voice you regular get in school.

You're flustered, but you quickly put back your cold face “It's okay. T'was my fault too not looking the way.  Don’t worry I skipped dinner last night coz I am not hungry.” You lied.

No way you were going to spill the truth to him, not when you already know how hard his days are. He was not as bright and happy as he looks like.

“Renjun told me last night everything about you. I am so sorry…I didn’t know my jokes were very painful and disturbing to you. I should’ve stopped but you know I sometimes cannot hold my brain back.” Chuckles Jaemin nervously.

You sigh and place a hand on his shoulder “Life is hard right?” He nods his head and you squeeze his shoulder, “We also find it hard. But at least we're not alone now. We have each other and the others too. I am also sorry for picking on you to the teacher for leeching my score, but I promise I won’t do that again. I'll help you Jaemin.” You smile sincerely to him.

His face brightens “You're the best! I always have hard time focusing! Well coffee helps me, but still it's not healthy.”

You take his hand in yours “Na Jaemin, you're a part of our family now. Since we're family, we will get each other's back! Don’t worry things will be okay and you too will be okay!”

He Smiles and that is a new smile you've ever seen on him. A smile that's pure and true. That shows he too is also a human who can feel pain not just the angelic handsome boy in class.

“We should eat. The others are waiting,” Chenle's appearance in the hallway makes you and Jaemin turn your heads to him.

“She's right. We're family, now family eats dinner, together right? Come on! Taeyong hyung got us some pizzas for your welcome party.” Chenle drags the taller man's hand which automatically pulls you too.

A smile comes to your face when you realize just how perfect this imperfect family is!

Yes you also struggled focusing on a certain job, yes you also hate messy stuffs, yes it's true Renjun took three months to open his mouth and speak complete sentences, it also takes Jeno five months to be true about his feelings, and Jisung plus Chenle? They also have their fish to fry. Now Jaemin, is here with his own battle that will soon be shared within us.

Just like the famous quote, Ohana means family and family means no one is left behind.

Looking around the table, although you really wish you have a sister or a mother figure here, you're more than happy to call the 7 men your brothers and families.

end

please let me know if there are anything I can fix. I am trying a new genre and it’s a bit challenging but I am happy with finishing this. 

Contact or reach me out if you have any curiosity of what happens to the members or maybe you wonder what their problems are. 

Thank you for reading :D 🤗💖