#my dad has autism and is in denial

[notawitchbutabitch-blog]

Venting about my relationship with my father

my dad has always treated taking breaks as a bad thing, when summer rolled around he would give me and my sister homework. When we had a vacation we would spend at least the first 3 days just cleaning because when we were all working all the time the house got neglected. Now with an empty nest, dad is still struggling with breaks. Any phone call I have with him between semesters in college always turns back to what I could be spending my time doing or learning. What I learn of my own free will on my own time never feels like it's enough for him, I can learn 50 interesting facts and share them all over dinner with him when we're visiting each other and it's always "what are you really studying?" The World. I study the world. all of it. the parts of history that my schools' cirriculum intentionally avoids, mathematical puzzles, video game mechanics through the ages, evolutionary biology, current events, politics, philosophy, etc.

I know the answer he wants, he wants me to be researching circuitry, mechanical engineering, the next level of calculus, physics. the things he excelled at when he was my age. the things that got him a lucrative career being the most useful man in a company, to the point that if he takes a day off nobody will be able to work. it gets him money, sure, but it takes all of his time and all of his joy.

I love him and I want him to be proud of me. I wish he could understand me. Sometimes I feel like he's the only person that could understand me, and the fact that he just doesn't, it hurts.

I have friends. and the simple fact is that my dad doesn't. Anyone he knew before college he calls a lost cause or a drug addict or a criminal asshole, everyone he knew in college were labeled as drunks, all his coworkers are at least 100 miles away. I spend time with my friends. It's an investment that he doesn't understand. I don't know how to help him.

I am physically and mentally disabled. He is in total denial. insisting that stuff like pots, fibromyalgia, exercise induced asthma, can just be solved with the right exercise. That the answer to anxiety is to just calm down. That Adhd can be solved with meds. (not treated, not helped, solved) that autistic sensory overload can be helped by listening to music loud enough to damage your hearing so you don't hear the overwhelming noise (I am not kidding, this is what he said he did to himself).

and despite all these very important problems I have with him, he's still the quiet, kind, empathetic, respectful dad he's always been. And I love him for the person he is. I just don't feel seen by him.

I'm afraid that if I don't live up to his expectations he'll be disappointed in me. He has a blatant dislike of people who he sees as burdens to people around them, and I'm afraid that my disabilities will put me in that category. What if what I end up being able to contribute to the world isn't enough for him? Will I ever be enough for him?

[orbitposting]

"Accommodations give disabled people an advantage over non-disabled peers"

TW: mentions of ableism, mistreatment of disabled children, and it's effects, mentions of fatphobia

For context, my sisters and I all grew up in the late 90s/early 00s with different disabilities (overlap was acknowledged later in life). My eldest sister has autism with some support needs without intellectual disability, my older sister has dysgraphia, and I have asthma. Looking back, none of us were fully accommodated.

At home, when my sister would have meltdowns due to sensory overload or changes in environment, and my mom consistently chose to scream at her for "misbehaving"/"being difficult". In order to stop the chaos, I was often left to comfort my sister. Often, I would simply offer her ice-cold water and tissues, and things would calm down.

In middle school, I remember she went to an alternative school in order to accommodate her better. While it was very valuable to have her learn the bus system and the self-reliance of getting to school, this program taught 4th grade math to her in 8th grade. She struggled with getting back on track with math for years. Eventually, she left due to difficulties with other students and the lack of consequences for various unacceptable behaviors.

In high school, she was supposed to pass a language course in order to graduate. She took Spanish, since my mom was offering to help with her knowledge of Spanish. However, this didn't help, even with my mom's college-level knowledge of Spanish. Notably, she didn't speak English in full sentences until she was seven years old. ASL was also not an option, but fortunately they waived the language requirement. Graduation was a close call, for other reasons, as well.

My older sister's experience is what is prompting this post. She has struggled with dysgraphia throughout her school years, and it was never accommodated. While she was a prodigy with immense knowledge of history, it would never come across in her writing. She was diagnosed around 10th grade, which she remained in denial about. However, my mom talked to the school regarding accommodations, and they had nothing to offer. Throughout her education, she would fail every writing assignment or writing-based class she was given. This was especially frustrating when classes that didn't revolve around writing paragraphs made her do it, anyways. She only passed 10th grade Physical Science since my mom knew the teacher, and asked that he not account for the lack of writing assignments and explained her situation. What prompted this post was actually my dad finding her SAT results, and me discovering that she had all zeros for her essay score, despite getting a 1170 for the multiple choice portion. (Quick aside: standardized testing should NOT be considered indicative of any student's performance if they cannot properly accommodate disabled students.) She did graduate, but my family wasn't sure the school would let her.

In my case, throughout elementary, middle, and high school, gym class felt like I was constantly fighting for my life. While I was allowed to have my inhaler on me starting in 6th grade or so, I was still expected to do the exercises everyone else had to do. I was not allowed to take breaks, technically, but I did. This was especially noticeable when we would run laps around the gym. Every time I did so, I was harassed by the PE instructor until I kept running. Games weren't much better, either. I was always picked last (which makes sense), but not only that, I was purposefully targeted during games. I was openly mocked as I did my best to participate.

In 9th grade, things hit a wall. When swimming was introduced to the class, I outright refused. I kept "forgetting to bring my swimsuit", when that stopped working I "had to go to the health clinic", and when that stopped working, I got a note from the health clinic excusing me from the swimming portion of gym class.

The PE teacher did not go down without a fight, nor did my parents. I was told that I could have to do it again when we moved schools the next year (that school ended up not having a swimming pool), that I wouldn't graduate without this credit, that I was making the situation worse by singling myself out in this way, and that I would get an F in gym anyways. They eventually acknowledged my excuse, but made me sit by the pool as everyone swam so I could take notes on the same article about what to do in case of a drowning every week.

Peers would acknowledge me from the pool, friends would say hi and guys would mock me. Girls I didn't know would talk about how strange my lack of participation was. Meanwhile at this time, my dad was making me log my calories on MyFitnessPal and I was very aware of how "different" my body was from the other kids. I would have panic attacks just thinking about going into the pool. While it was hard, I don't regret fighting for what I needed. Also of note: it was a chlorine pool, and chlorine heavily affects my asthma. Sometimes my lungs would hurt just being in the pool room. This wasn't really acknowledged, I would wheeze while walking up the stairs, and it often hurt to sing in choir after pool days.

I also struggled with ADHD throughout K-12, but I wasn't diagnosed until after I graduated high school. However, as an AFAB person, I constantly had teachers mention symptoms of ADHD in my comments. It started with not turning in work and doodling/chatting in classes I didn't care about, but it eventually spread to other classes that interested me. I also struggled with severe compartmentalization, which I didn't realize until after high school. I couldn't remember what my homework was when I was at home. If I remembered what the assignment was, I couldn't remember the information needed to complete it! This meant I did any homework I did complete while at school.

Fortunately, graduating high school didn't turn out to be a problem for me. After a rough freshman year, I turned things around. I became a member of NHS my senior year and finished out pretty strong. That was, until COVID. I had my therapist send a note saying I was not in a place to do schoolwork, and to simply keep my grades from pre-lockdown. I didn't get AP credit for AP Biology, but I learned plenty. I also withdrew from my dual-enrolled Calculus 2 course. Looking back, with my compartmentalization issue, there was no way online school would work for me.

So yeah, actually being disabled in school isn't a walk in the park! Imagine that! For anyone wondering, we're all doing fairly well now. My eldest sister works janitorial in a hospital setting and enjoys it, since she finds the surgical field fascinating and doesn't mind all the blood and such. She did eventually catch up in math in community college, but she wasn't able to finish the degree (due to her advisor). My older sister works retail and is a union steward. A lot of what she does is mainly talking and some basic math. Fortunately, if she needs to write, she can just use a computer, since the physical act of writing is what is a lot of what's hard for her. Spellcheck is also helpful. I spent my summer doing more intensive mental health care, and now I'm more directed than I have been for years. I'm currently waiting on hearing back about a bank teller job, and I'm looking forward to that!

If anyone is currently struggling with accessibility in education, just know what you are asking for is reasonable. All you are asking for is equal opportunity education, and you should not be denied that.

[violet-yimlat]

A bit about me! I meant to do this for a while but Procrastination!

Hi I’m Violent I mean Violent I mean Violent I mean Violet I mean Violent I mean Violet Morningstar (but more on that later). I’m 17 and my birthday is in October. I have ADHD and Autism. I’m Asexual. My Myers-Briggs type is INTP and my Eneagram is four. I’m a Libra, but that means literally nothing.

I’m female, I use She and It pronouns, and I identify as a demon. I use the demonkin and fallen angelkin labels.

And now it’s later. I have quite an odd family life because, like several others here on Tumblr I have been adopted by @morningbloodystar because that just seems to be what he does.

So that’s my dad. Which makes @chloe-decker-lapd my sort of mom.

My irl mom is also on Tumblr. I won’t @ her, but in the event of an actual emergency, she’s cakeomatic.

My siblings, the best and only internet siblings (and exclusively online friends) I’ve ever had in order of age are;

@ask-eric-the-disposable-demon Eric Morningstar. I’m pretty sure that he’s closest in age to our dad (like, how big are the age gaps between angels anyway?) but whatever, he’s our brother. He can turn into a rabbit and multiply like them too (when did you guys get the “multiplying like rabbits” joke in Zootropolis?)

@e-w-w-morningstar Eddie W.W Morningstar, who is sometimes a termite and crawled out of the ground in the 18 something-somethings. He has several children including @jessica-woodson-morningstar , my favourite niece.

@janeway-lover Abby Morningstar. She’s “the sensible one”, and apparently she’s cool with that. Big sister energy. One of these days, she’s going to end up saving all of our asses. @urielwiththegoodhair’s partner. SIMPS.

@helphowdoiusethis Jay Morningstar. God of glitter, Quing of ducklings (almost wrote dicklings lol) and somehow an ancient entity of stardust with a traumatic backstory while also being about a year older than me.

Me. I accidentally turned into a demon. And now a cursed book called “Evil Wizardry for Beginners” won’t leave me alone. My familiar is @barrythebabyturnip.

@echosghoast Echo Morningstar. Chaos sibling supreme. The younger sibling I never had, and much less annoying than the one I actually do. Can’t wait to commit a crime with you lol.

@hivemindofevilbats Hive. Literally vampire bats.

@adam-n-dog Adam Young. Nearly caused the apocalypse that one time. Great at naming dogs. He has a dog named Dog. Good boy! Good hellhound!

Last but certainly not least, @three-surnames Trixie Espinosa Decker Morningstar. Awesome little sister? Yes. In complete denial about the nature of reality? Also yes.

Also more siblings?

@angel-and-the-serpent @fallen-starmaker @vans-ghost

Then there are my other relatives.

@the-almighty-lucifer Dad from another reality who’s decided that he’s our uncle.

@one-coming-is-enough The aforementioned Uncle J.

@god-in-the-basement said she’d be our weird aunt but I guess she’s our great aunt?

@g00brielandbeez my uncle and how do we feel about Titi? In Spanish tia and tio are aunt and uncle so that’s the combination and it works.

I’m going to list some fandoms I’m in now;

Good Omens

Discworld

Helluva Boss and Hazbin Hotel

Lucifer

Heaven’s Design Team

Certain literature like Paradise Lost, Dante’s Inferno and Lucifer (as in the 17th century Dutch play)

Obey Me!

Yes, I’m into theology. And mythology. I’m an atheistic Satanist btw.

I like reading, listening to music and drawing, but I haven’t felt very inspired lately. I also like identity theft cosplay.

Well, those are the facts about me, and if none of them make you hate me, then maybe we should hang out sometime!

Always up for shenanigans.

[nerves-nebula]

my dad is openly has a special interest in godzilla, refuses to eat any kind of mixed food to the point if were having spaghetti he has to seperate his plate into a pasta side and a sauce side, and is already diagnosed with one neurodivergence (dyslexia) but he still refuses to admit that either of us are autistic

which is even more insane because i got diagnosed with autism and adhd when i was like 5 cause my behaviour scared my really ill equipped school so bad they called in a child psychologist cause i kept having a meltdown and hitting people when they tried to touch me during it, i dont understand how i can be literally diagnosed and him still be in denial about it

>leatherhead anon

thats that internalized ableism babyyyy. that shit makes u WONKY. jumping through hoops to resist being put in the same class of people you think of as less human/capable.

[jaynnie-jane]

Full fucking circle.

I know I started watching crappy childhood fairy a while back and I also know I sent a message to him that was along the lines of "holy shit, apparently I did have a crappy childhood"… But amongst the bullshit I somehow forgot that realisation and fuck me do I feel like a dumb arse.

So, Crappy Childhood Fairy talks a LOT about C-PTSD. All this time I have been caught in this Narcissist pondering and she does this really great video on parallels between NPD and CPTSD. I'm watching it and nodding along and thinking yeah, that makes sense and something she said made me do a quick google search which brought me to this page:

And the following lines made my heart fall "This is the definition of trauma. The failure to integrate a disturbing event into your internal narrative of reality. It doesn’t matter if 99% of that reality is happy and supportive." "It’s cliché, but many people who experience childhood trauma have parents with their own unresolved childhood trauma. And if they’ve made it to adulthood without resolving that trauma, they had to find a way to live with it. One of the most common ways of coping with trauma long-term is denial… and when their children are upset, they teach them that denial."

Not only does that first part explain how I feel about watching the fights in my family it also explains why when Mum and I were filling out a form for me for my queried Autism thingo, that I had ZERO recollection of my behaviour during a repeated (I can't even ADMIT the next word!) traumatic event (like holy hell, with all my knowledge and understanding of psych stuff I can't even say to myself, yes that was traumatic yet if a friend told me about it I would say yes, that would probably be pretty traumatic!). She told me how as an 8 to 16 year old, I would ALWAYS seek out my brother (he's five years older) and console him and make sure he was okay and validate him and just be there for him. According to Mum, this would happen at least once a week. All I remember from those events is their basic format: My brother would do something dumb that dad would get annoyed with and dad would yell, mum would intervene. Then randomly a few days later dad would give my brother an insane task as punishment for the dumb thing. My brother would complete the insane task without complaint and mum would get shitty with dad for giving my brother the insane task. When I think about my childhood my brain tells me that happened maybe every six months and I only have snippets of memory from one of them. Thinking about it now, and witnessing my parents and their relationship over the last few years I KNOW that for two or three days a week I would have been able to -feel- that tension in the house. As a full grown adult with a bit more self awareness (I was going to say much more but apparently that isn't the case), I still feel that tension between my parents at times and it makes my skin crawl.

The second part of that is also devastating to me because I look at my mums childhood and think "holllyyyy heeeck!". She's never 'dealt' with it. I think it's only been the last five years that I have watched her become more aware. It's often only through me biting back when she tries to control the way I dress or the very harmless ways my dad copes with life that SHE has started to shift her mentality. It's been the strangest thing for me to watch my mum wear baggy clothing. I don't know if it's coincidental but I went off at her a while ago when she was being critical of how I was dressed. I said to her very plainly "Just stop. Stop trying to dictate how I should look just because you are so insecure about the way that YOU present to the world".

Even now, as an adult going through the year I have had, through no initial fault of my own, it's almost impossible for me to actually ask for help because every time I do my mum tries to use it as a teaching moment for her type of resilience which is "you gotta be able to do it on your own, don't rely on anyone, you just CAN NOT EVER become dependent on others".

As a result I think I ricochet between the two extremes. I DO become highly dependent on others because I don't seek help before I absolutely have to. Usually by that point, no one CAN help me.

And now I am just so heavily filled with regret over my relationship. We both asked impossible things of each other, hell I didn't even ask. I don't know if I didn't ask because I was afraid of being told no or to just "suck it up" or if it's because I, like my mother pride myself on fucking STRUGGLING with my mental health alone because no one has been able to help me. I have known for MONTHS that if Josh and I broke up I would regret it. I KNOW I am capable of so much more. I KNOW that with the right support and environment I could be unstoppable. I knew, in my gut that who he was asking me to be, for the most part is who I think I want to be any way. But every second spent in a relationship where what my partner needed, I was incapabale of providing; was destroying us both. I knew I was failing him again and again and I was so terrified I couldn't be what he wanted, the only thing I could focus on was that and trying to make that feeling of hopeless worthlessness go away. Because I was holding onto this all consuming panic and anxiety over not being good enough for my partner, I didn't have space to take on the anxiety and panic that I experience around work.

And I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. You were not stonewalling, you were just exhausted. You were not dismissing me you were just flooded. And both of our crappy coping skills that we have both tried so hard to unlearn kicked in. Neither of us could risk asking for what we truly needed because we knew the answer was some version of "I can't give you that".

I wish we had found a therapist 8 months ago. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Regret, despair, shame, grief, embarrassed, foolish, disconnected, heartbroken, self contempt and self betrayal.

[ravenousnightwind]

One of the hardest things is knowing if I'm getting better or not. Like for I guess it's been more than seven years now really, and I realized that I have a lot of problems that stop me from being able to do normal things.

I thought that maybe..it wasn't always there, but it has been. But with the excitement of moving to a new place, and then the denial of grief from my dad's Death, caused a lot of issues when it all caught up with me and the adrenaline faded away.

Once I got my diagnosis for autism and adhd, I started to feel more like myself than before, though that process had already began since being treated with anti-depressants. Especially since I realized it wasn't bad to be who I am.

There's days I have that are very subpar. Better than most days. Most days I can't do anything. Even take care of myself. But then I'd have days where I could do a lot in a limited fashion. Halfway chores you might say. Then there are days like today where I feel generally great but with only a few limitations. My goal is to essentially cope with all of my issues so that I can be a functional person. Maybe some day get a job. But I've come to the realization that my understanding of my problems runs merely on the surface of what's there.

Growing up in the 90s, we didn't have all the therapy and information we do now about autism, adhd, depression, and anxiety. So I was treated really unfairly by a lot of people, people who were supposed to help me. But despite this huge setback, I feel like I'm adapting well enough. I just have to reach a point of stability and understanding of all my issues and how they interconnect.

I think maybe it might also be the change of seasons essentially reactivating my ability to function. Cuz the sun is like kinda important for you. I've been coasting for a while, but I seriously hope that today's feelings mean that I can do more and feel better than I have in the past and lead to better coping mechanisms and better understanding of myself.

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

A Surprisingly Real Part

It's a tad embarrassing that I tend to only reach self awareness through having it pointed out to me by a trusted person close to me (like A or J or my friend M), or through fiction, either the stuff I wrote or stuff someone else wrote that I can actually relate to. And I've only recently realized how my fictional heroines that are probably the most like me are so very clearly autistic. Like...I almost always write an introverted heroine, but (for those of you who have read my work, the names are hopefully familiar) Mary Sue Rice, Samantha Jenkins/Goodman, Stephanie Bamford, and Jessica Fielding/Evers are...on the spectrum. They just...are.

Being both gifted but somehow also constantly feeling like a disappointment. Having a hard time connecting with people in person. Being sensitive emotionally and physically. Being a blunt, direct, literal, and honest communicator. Having the tendency to over explain things. Needing to know the reasons why people do things or believe things or why those rules exist in order to feel good about following them. Seeking certain activities and sensations for comfort/avoiding others because of discomfort, despite it being 'weird' or uncommon or unpopular. I mean...those things are ME. But because of the stereotyping and stigmas attached to autism, if you would have asked me even 3 years ago if I considered myself autistic, I'd have said no. No one ever mentioned that possibility to me in my lifetime. I think 'boys have it more,' and 'really self-centered' and 'really poor communicator' and 'robotic/unemotional all the time' sort of negated the possibility to anyone who might say it regarding me. I'm almost exclusively other focused, and autism is supposed to be a condition that means self-focused. And in writing at least, I'm not a bad communicator. But I've heard that 'heartless and cold' shit a lot in my life, and that's just false. I think a lot of autistic people actually have really high empathy, they just don't show emotion the way neurotypical people do. Plus, I mean...I had a LOT of emotional suppression as a kid. You're laughing too loud; talking too loud/too much; don't cry; don't sing; don't make that noise/face...I mean...of course I've learned to look and act like a robot. That's a lot of repetition of the same lesson.

People DID bring it up about my brother. In the early 1990s when he was a toddler and elementary school aged kid. My mom took him to a doctor after a couple of early educators used the word autism in front of her. The doctor she took him to (the same one who said there was nothing wrong with my legs and reproductive system when she took me there and he said growing pains and normal cramps and gave me painkillers that made me sleepy when other doctors in adulthood gave me corrective equipment for standing and walking and emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy) told her there was no way he was autistic, because he'd give us hugs and look at us when we called his name. He was 'too normal.' All autistic people, to this doctor, were Rain Man or more obvious about it. So my mom just moseyed on, assured her kid was normal. (My brother is quite blatantly autistic; strangers meeting him for the first time pick up on it right away). He has a master's degree in special education now and diagnosed himself; my mom probably should have listened to the educators when he was a kid, but on the other hand, he's doing great without specialized intervention. And so am I. But the denial of something that pretty significantly affected our lives as kids obviously had an impact.

When I read things written by and for autistic people, I always relate. I see myself. I see my brother. I see my dad. I told my mom that my dad is almost certainly on the spectrum too. And she said she feels like a fool, not only having to have her kids figure it out for themselves as adults, but not recognizing it in my DAD, the man she's been with for over 50 years and married to for 48. And for the first time she said she felt sorry about how she's treated all of us, especially my dad, for so long. I told her busting up routine and structure is kind of traumatic for people like us, and she admitted she did that to us, especially Dad, on purpose, pretty often. That's still pain I'm dealing with a lot. It comes out in the fiction. It's probably why I've written four fictional autistic women.

I dunno. Guess I just felt like writing this today.

[ariel-s-awesome]

#i need an option for “diagnosed with autism but actually decided to undiagnose myself because surely i can't be autistic”

#yes I'm very strongly in denial about my autism. I've been my whole life.

#and it has cause me to forbid myself from using coping mechanisms that could have made my life better

#just because i thought “oh things aren't that bad actually and the way i function doesn't affect the way i live *that much*(it did)

#and i don't wanna appropriate other people's disoorders

#that would be offensive to people who actually have ASD“

#turns out the ableist tropes engrained in my brain at a young age were harmful to even myself :/

#maybe a more diverse and explicit rep of autistic people in media would help. idk. just throwing that out there. /s

#omg I'm ranting in the tags again. i sure do love talking about myself.

Oh I also had the same experience as undiagnosing and rediagnosing myself. Except mine was fueled by a mix of poorly thought out accomodations that did more harm than good and my dad (very obviously autistic but don't tell him that) being fiercely against my diagnosis.

My self-diagnosis meant far more to me.

rb for a larger sample size :0

[funlovingfuzzball]

Well. It’s been nearly a year and a half, and we still have the “please don’t kill us we’re friendly” intro post up. We’ve also switched from being an “I” to a “we” in that process. Sounds like I need to rework this.Birthday coming up extremely soon, so we’ll just queue it for then so it doesn’t immediately need updated.

Seriously though, when we created this account we thought we were a singlet, didn’t know we were intersex, were terrified of reblogging things due to crippling social anxiety, hadn’t yet questioned our complete apathy towards pronouns, and were in active denial about our c-ptsd symptoms. Not 100% certain we had our adhd or autism diagnoses yet either, we still had to convince our parents (dad has the autism, mom has the adhd, they were so convinced that brains just work like that and thus didn’t want to test me until my therapist sat them down and said basically “y’all need testing too, so stop it”). We certainly weren’t properly medicated at the time. Literally all of these were tumblr-based either revelations or confidence boosters. It’s been one hell of a year and a half.

[liz-thinks-too-much]

Rating the way people reacted to me coming out as autistic

1 - *Gets very scared and anxious and starts doing A LOT of research about it*

9/10 - That was my mom when I told her the pychiatrist that was making my test suspected I was autistic. I see that was her way of getting understanding me better, and another day we talked about my autism in a car ride and it was really comforting, but seeing her this anxious was kinda stressing sometimes. Also, you're the one who started this whole thing by saying you thought I was autistic, mom, and that gave me courage to finally see if I was or not, so thank you , but also why are you surprised lol (I love my mom)

1.1 - "I'm sorry for calling you dumb when you were a kid, I will never call you that again"

5/10 - That was my mom after we received the official diagnosis. She used to say I was "so smart for some things but so dumb for others" because I was academically smart but had a hard time understanding emotions and instructions. That did hurt and impacted a lot on my self esteem, and I'm sad I had to prove I'm autistic to "earn" not being treated with disrespect, but well, at least she apologized.

2 - "They can't be autistic, I read autistic kids play with only one toy and they used to have a bunch of Barbies growing up"

-10/10 - This was my dad when I told him about the psychiatrist's suspicions. First of all, who do you think you are to not trust a professional that literally has a degree and has the authority to do this testings, I know sometimes doctors are kind on biased when it comes to autism but you bet she knows a lot more than you. SECOND you were absent durning my early childhood, you were just the guy who would be home sometimes and scream at my mom, you barely played with me, because if you did you would know I dind't play with all those Barbies like you're saying, and third, even if I did, autism is not a "plays with one toy" disability, you're over simplifying it so much is embarassing.

2.1 - "If that is autism then that would mean I'm autistic too"

7/10 - My dad after the oficial diagnosis. The pyschiatrist explained to him what my autism was about and he was still kind of in denial but I'll give him extra points for making a funny comment because, oh boy, wait until he hears that autism is genetic and that he probably has it too lol.

3 - "Thank you for telling me, how have you been feeling about it?"

10/10 - listened to me and focused on understand how I feel other than making the conversation about their feelings.

4 - "Thank you for telling me this and allowing me to be part of your life"

11/10 - Said this while giving me a hug and also listened close when I talked about my experience.

5 - "And what about it, it doesn't matter"

-20/10 - That hurt like a bitch, especially because it came from one of my best friends. It turned out that, in fact, that DOES matter, it is something really important that changes the way I see myself and my perspective on my past and actually helped me cope with trauma and insecurities I still carry. I know you're maybe trying to tell me you still see me as me but that's a shitty way to say it.

[harleythealter]

So I’m scrolling on Pinterest and see this

(Borrows from Megan on Pinterest who screenshotted from somebody else)

And I just… feel so confused because over and over I find posts where I relate to the entire thing… usually ones about eye contact. Or this entire thing. But then I’m like… there’s NO WAY I’m autistic. And not because I’m in denial but because of actual things. And then I wonder if it’s just because I’m too empathetic and ‘I get the world too well’ to be autistic (this is what somebody told me once.) which… I don’t know how to express the level of effort I put into ‘getting the world’ and doing it ‘right’ and not destroying everything for the way I function differently than others-whether if it points to autism or nothing. I also am conflicted because I’m aware that I’m similar to my dad in how my brain functions and he’s autistic. So some of this has come up because I reflect my dad significantly but I think because of all the work I’ve put into learning communication instead of just giving up on interactions, that my outcome is different. I also think that because my dad functioned differently than neurotypicals, it wasn’t odd or abnormal if I didn’t act neurotypical but who knows because I isolated myself so I wasn’t a problem because my family had enough going on.

But I saw a post… sorry that I forgot who posted it, but a portion of the evidence they gathered was that Autism is predominantly a genetic trait, and if I’m right, the person said that kids who are born in households that have an involved autistic parent probably won’t notice “odd behaviors” because it’s not odd to that family. And maybe there was something about less trauma being in those households because those children aren’t expected to change their functions which led to less diagnoses in this scenario. And that made me wonder if something similar was between me and my dad, where because he was used to a one track mind, it wasn’t odd that I, his daughter was born with one.

A lot more had been passed down to me such as being an introvert but I actually love interactions, but what drains me is the environments and the anticipation of being misunderstood or confusing somebody and being worried about talking too much about things I love. There’s more.

I’ve also thought about our coping mechanisms, the similarities there. But I wonder sometimes about if I’m not considered autistic or neurodivergent because of the way I was raised. My dad was never diagnosed. He just learned that he had to rephrase questions to get an answer, and so I was taught that. I’m learning more things he taught me, just by example, because he wasn’t home very often.

So not only did my dad teach me how to cope with the world, but also I think my mom influenced it too. She kinda just made me focus on my creativity and stories. Which… we’re wild to say the least and seemingly pretty normal ig? Idk. I feel so uneducated but ‘educated people’ seem to be neurotypicals who didn’t gather good evidence. So I’m mostly looking to the community for a bit of help here because I feel a bit clueless.

Anyways. Back to the point. My mom considers that maybe how she raised me just made me not autistic nor neurodivergent… but I wonder if it’s maybe just because I don’t have trauma around how I function… which could make me very different than a large portion of the neurodivergent community who had been shamed and traumatized for who they are… and so am I just different because I don’t function the same as others? And also everybody who is neurodivergent is different than eachother, I know that. But I also don’t know if I’m being weird. Because my mom strengthened my empathy-also strengthened by trying to fix my family and being the right person for everybody. Which I’ve also been told that changing personalities and trying to be so accommodating to others is not a trait of neurodivergent peoples… but only have I been told that by neurotypical people soooooo is it really valid? Also… I have seen that in the neurodivergent community??? So essentially I’m just confused.

And maybe it’s not autism, but I think I’ve just brushed off all my symptoms of what ever it is because my parents don’t believe having a label makes it easier. So I always see a post and think “wow… that’s real to me. Well, that’s just me. Silly me. :P I bet I don’t function like them on “that level” And by “that level,” I mean in a way that neurotypicals would consider diagnosis-worthy. And so I brush off all of these things.

I strongly connect to a lot of things over and over. Like executive dysfunction, I’m very specific about how things feel, I have tics, and stims, things I just absolutely cannot handle without panicking inside. And I resent myself because I just explain that those are things everybody deals with. And I invalidate myself in many ways. I also resent myself because I hear so many of my thoughts sound very ableist(I think this is the right word) and-I JUST CAUGHT MYSELF always added endings and clauses so I can’t be caught being wrong. Anyways. Side track. [Also about my stims and tics I just tell myself I’m being fake. Isn’t that rude???][edit]

I’m trying to explore this. My dad doesn’t use any labels because he got this far in life without them and doesn’t see a point in needing them now. That works for him, but I’m tired of not knowing why all of these things add up to me and how I break down to all of these little things.

Additional thought idk where to place. I’ve been told my way of thinking is too organized to be neurodivergent and that really fucking sucked because it felt limiting as if it were different it wouldn’t be ‘okay’ or ‘good’ or ‘acceptable’. And also it’s not organized at all. I’m so confused all the time about what I’m trying to say-actually. About how to say it. And it feels as though all the factors that limit me from being neurodivergent are all so… surface level? Is that fair? they make me wonder “what?” As I try to process the logic, and I just don’t get it.

Bothering things-I’m writing down just cuz I remember them

-loud, busy environments

-crowded spaces

-certain clothes on certain days

-my family chewing. As in I can no longer eat and my ears are crawling with bugs

-overlapping sounds

-one conversation when the room is silent

-people talking during presentations-it’s so fucking hard to focus

-no noise

-that sound my car radios make when a singer sings an ‘s’

-more things

Anyways. please, share thoughts. I’m looking for some direction from people who actually live this life- or one with similarities to mine.

Plz reblog so I get more thoughts from a few people.

Also I’m not trashing my parents. It’s just observations. And this is unedited soooo you get what you get :P

[bassguitarinablackt-shirt]

okay okay so ive always known i probably have adhd. like that is something everyone in my life has told me. im just not diagnosed because adhd meds fucked my dad up as a kid and he thinks adhd is made up by doctors.

however, as bad as this sounds autism was still in my mind as something that was Not Normal and i wanted nothing more than to be Normal. anyways then i watched illymations video on signs she shouldve realised she was autistic and related. a bit too hard. and then i decided to shove any "am i mayhaps autistic" thoughts out of my head bc yknow wanting desperately to be Normal

then my autistic friend pointed out some stuff i did and was like "you know those are common autism symptoms right?" and that shook me to my core but again. i was still in heavy denial. then all my other friends kept pointing out my possible autism to the point i couldnt ignore it.

and i started observing the behavior of those around me and realised literally everyone has known im most likely autistic since i was like five. they just. never told me. I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDNT KNOW.

im tired and bored so wanna hear about the story of me realising im autistic as fuck?

sure :3

[b0d1ly-st3w]

have my postal 1 dude headcanons because hes so meeeeee

tw for mentions of self harm

• hed just barely turned 20 by the time postal 1 happened

• a bit of a mallgoth, really loved nine inch nails and marilyn manson

• had a really bad self harm addiction back in highschool, he was 2 years clean by postal 1

• actually felt so bad for everything hed done, cant even hear fake gunshots without wanting to throw up

• i believe that the demon was responsible for his breakdown, it convinced him that everyone was poisoned and that he was the only one that could save them

• schizophrenic, has hurt himself before because voices convinced him to do so

• shy and selectively mute

• other postal dudes treat him like a kid because of his age (postal 4 dude is his parental figure)

• asshole dad who was never around

• smokes like a chimney, anytime anyone sees him he always seems to have a cigarette in his hand

• great with kids, thats why he couldnt bring himself to hurt them

• the funeral ending was a hallucination (ik thats redux but they are practically the same leave me alone)

• the most traumatised postal dude

• would probs be a mitski stan

• autistic, bites the other postal dudes

• loves cats

• bisexual and in denial (has a fat crush on every single member of nin)

• just starts screaming randomly, but not in a funny way like a genuine terror way

• stares at people with his autism eyes

• wears his sunglasses everywhere

• lives off cheese and vodka (hes like an alcoholic mouse)

• absolutely loves horror movies, gets postal 4 dude to watch them with him

• scared of corkscrew, but corkscrew really likes him and feels the need to protect him

• suffered from anorexia at a young age, sometimes has days where he literally cant eat anything without crying

• people pleaser, changes his entire personality to make people happy

• loves wool sweaters, practically lives in them

• always cold

• drinks to forget

• gets randomly angry for no apparent reason, will start punching the shit out of people and screaming

• against the big light prefers lamps

• will just sit in the corner and listen while people talk

• loves pepperoni pizza

• still has braces

• probably loves hello kitty but will never admit it

• shoplifts literally anytime he goes into a store, steals things for other postal dudes

• would violently sob to real men by mitski

• bullys postal 4 dudes music but actually likes it (can you tell i love the idea of them being friends?)

i added more because ive got so many headcanons for this emo loser <3

• really picky with what he can eat, will spit anything out he doesnt like

• his family where heavily religious, thats why he wears a cross

• can fall asleep literally anywhere

• defos a stoner

• practically lived at korn concerts

• likes hugs but also despises being touched

• corkscrew carries him about everywhere, gives him piggybacks all the time

• either completely stone cold or really giggly and happy, there is no in between

• uses :⁠-⁠) :⁠-⁠P :⁠-⁠O :⁠-⁠( when texting

• probably likes cannibal corpse

• chop suey! by system of a down is his anthem

• spins around in circles to stim, postal 2 guy joins in because funni

• steals peoples jackets

• would be absolutely cracked at hatsune miku project diva

• has a hyperfixation on music and plays bass

• i think he would be really soft spoken most the time

• when hes drunk hes absolutely mayhem, runs around and throws cushions at people

• tried to give himself a stick and poke and got mad when it didnt look good

• if postal 1 was set in the early 2000s i think hed be an emo

• goes nonverbal often, hardly ever speaks

• claustrophobic, will start crying if he feels trapped

• hates parades (unless its a pride one #ally)

• (⁠●⁠_⁠_⁠●⁠) stares at people like this

• tooth gap<3333

• hates wearing bandages around his arms because theyre itchy and uncomfortable

• probably had an entire bag of bandaids on standby

• ik he canonically has sorta short hair but i like to think its really long

• wanted a mohawk

• wears eyeliner but will deny it even though its so obvious

• he did have a girlfriend at one point but she left him because he was strange (autism making him bitchless💀)

• ik this makes no sense but i think it would be funny af if he was scottish, like all the other postal dudes expect him to sound like them but then he starts speaking in the heaviest scottish accent imaginable (and before you say im only saying that because hes ginger im scottish so im actually projecting get it right)

• gave himself so many piercings but half of them closed up

• likes flavoured tea, his fav is peppermint

• would probably have a crush on tyler durden

• not really a hc but imagine him falling asleep on the sofa and postal 4 dude covering him with a nice fluffy blanket and giving him a little kiss on the forehead like dads in movies 😭😭😭

• wanted to be a musician growing up

• would watch the entire saw franchise in one sitting

• postal 4 dude always checks his arms and makes sure hes eaten, but he doesnt get upset with him if he does relapse or doesnt eat because he knows hes trying

• everyone tells him all their drama because they know he wont tell anyone (he knows everything)

• no one is willing to argue with him because he will either start crying or attack them

• probably bipolar

• signed postal 2 guys petition

• probably rabid/j

• really good at art

• scared of seagulls

• hes really lanky and tall

• (⁠;⁠ŏ⁠﹏⁠ŏ⁠) default facial expression

• red is his favourite colour

• hes an anti-shaggin moment/ref

• will just lay on top of people with absolutely no care whatsoever

• really bad at helping others, hed probably awkwardly giggle at someone crying

• he likes stuffed animals, has a whole collection of them because he was never allowed them when he was a kid

• if you asked him his pronouns hed probably bite you (he doesnt understand)

• if demon ever got a physical form all the dudes (excluding 1) would team up and beat its ass

• demon still appears sometimes and even tells 1 what to do, but he does his best not to listen

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TW!! SLIGHT DESCRIPTION OF S/H

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• one time postal 3 dude was just going downstairs to get some water and found 1 on the floor sobbing, hed had an episode and sliced his arm pretty bad, 3 did his best to help and swore he wouldnt tell 4 but he found out anyways

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• hates chocolate cake with every fibre of his being

• paints his nails all the time, comes downstairs every day with a new colour

• one of the dudes got him a copy of pretty hate machine on cd for christmas and it was his most favourite thing for months

• loves little insects, willingly picks them up

• collects so much random shit its insane

i got more

• can never sit in pure silence because there always seems to be noise, but really its all in his head (this is based on some of the tracks from the redux soundtrack as obviously some of them are just unintelligible noise)

• picks at his skin alot

• used to skip school alot, but always did well in tests and exams

• cant swim

• actually really loved school

• salt and vinegar crisps man

• actually tried to quit smoking but failed horribly

• uses internet slang and postal 4 guy has absolutely no fucking clue what hes on about

thats all i got

[transsexualhamlet]

I judge you based on your fave (bsd) but I'm right

DAZAI

this tells me absolutely nothing about you other than the "extremely mentally unwell" qualification necessary to watch bsd. You could be an extremely correct intellectual or you could be the most basic simp on the internet. Case by case situation here.

CHUUYA

Chuuya is just either 1) you're horny or 2) wlw mlm solidarity. The intersection where sexy and complex transmascs and angry butch lesbian and nonbinaries collide. I love yall. Some of yall are seriously in denial though chuuya's in fucking space or something he Is Not coming back

ATSUSHI

I ignore the strangely large population of the weretiger fuckers in this fandom. Atsushi fans are sweet and wonderful. Pushes the sexual deviants under the rug /lh

AKUTAGAWA

Most people would just say "emo" and yeah duh but honestly he's a less popular choice somehow and most akutagawa fans are very smart, dedicated, interesting, stylish, and mentally FUCKED.

RANPO

HOW'S THE AUTISM also how's your giant collection of unread sherlock holmes and eight thousand unfinished projects

KUNIKIDA

You guys never start drama and all your opinions are incredibly correct! Props to you for being the only mature ones in this fandom plus I'm deeply in love with you

YOSANO

I am so scared of you. I am so genuinely frightened of you. Same goes for Kouyou. Mad respect and a healthy amount of caution

KYOUKA

Holds you gently. Pats you on the head. Gives you chocolate if you do not want to be touched

FYODOR

Like a surprising amount of us, you make up for what you lack in faith in humanity, your body, and the system with your insane amount of gender and Big Words. Someone has gifted kid syndrome

FUKUZAWA

you are my daaaad, you're my dad!! boogie woogie woogie! duplicate the kunikida answer but sometimes you can be Insane /pos

THERES A REBLOG WITH MORE BC TUNGLE HATES IMAGES

[flautist10]

Hi, so today I had the unfortunate experience of being forced to listen to a very problematic talk about autism by the parent of an autistic girl which left me completely enraged and honestly worried for the girl. As i myself am neurotypical and my only experience with autism is a few of my friends having it, I was wondering if some neurodivergent people on here could give me some tips on what I could bring up tomorrow when the seminar group discusses our thoughts on the talk. Everyone disliked the guy cause it was obviously very problematic but I think unfortunately everyone else in the group has even less knowledge about autism than me and I wanna make sure I’m being factually correct in my criticisms, so any input is much appreciated. serious tw for his comments under the cut

The guy called autism a „disease or developmental disability“ which as far I am aware it is not, but rather a different neurotype. also he very much lamented that it can’t be cured and only ‘made less severe’ by behavioural therapy but to my knowledge it can’t and shouldnt be ‘cured’ because masking can be pretty traumatic and therapy only teaches masking (he honestly sounded like he follows autism speaks tbh)

He said that there’s different kinds and severities of autism (kanner’s syndrome vs Asperger‘s) and that non verbal autistic people have damage to the speech centre of their brain. I’m pretty sure that’s not true, that it’s not a different disease but merely how „well“ you mask or not. Also isnt  Asperger’s a slur cause Asperger was a Nazi and he tried to differentiate „useful“ autistics from the ones that were „expendable“.the guy also said that people who choose not to identify with those labels are „in denial of their disability“ (which is certainly bs)

He said that autistic people are incapable of forming relationships or holding jobs and should be put into care homes to spare the families and that they’re all violent and „overreact and are incapable of controlling their emotions“ which, just what in the Nazi fuck. I’m pretty sure the reaction is completely justified to the much higher stimulation they are feeling and if a neurotypical person felt the same overstimulation they would also react heftily.

Other problematic things he did was call his daughter a „problem on legs“ but at that point I’d already cussed him out and left the room. 

he also just kept highlighting how autistic people just “don’t want to see that theyre not normal” and that its “really hard work to have a conversation with one” where i was like?? how do you think it feels for them to communicate with you?? like have you ever heard of being accomodating to their different communication methods rather than expecting people to conform to your idea of ‘normal’ ?? 

he made fun of common autistic traits like having special interests also seemed to generalise a lot and, as far as ive seen in my friends, autism is very indivdual and there is great variation.

on the whole i wish the talk would have been by an autistic person about how it feels to be autistic, and how we can make society more accessible for them rather than a parent trying to gain sympathy and portray themself as a martyr. i feel so sad for the daughter that she has such an awful dad 

[mousedetective]

Would you be willing to do all of the salty questions with bbc sherlock? 👀 (if not then 3 and 7)

What OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?* I’m not really sure why people ship Holmescest? To each their own, but I don’t get it.

Are there any popular fandom OTPs you only BroTP?* Jlock, and even that’s with a more fanon John.

Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion? Oh yeah. I’m anti-TJLC (but not anti Jlock) and I’ve been followed by some TJLC-positive blogs so sometimes, depending on how rabid they are, I block them.

Do you have a NoTP in your fandom? Are they a popular OTP?* I’m not super into Jlock, because I write it for friends, but I don’t ship it myself (for BBC Sherlock only...I’m an avid Granada/Ritchie Holmes Jlock shipper)

Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?* The fandom for BBC Sherlock definitely ruined Jlock for me a lot. That’s why all my Jlock fic is AU.

Has fandom ever made you enjoy a pairing you previously hated?* Yes! I wasn’t a Mystrade shipper at the start and was rather annoyed by another slash ship in the fandom until I read some amazing stuff in the fandom, and now I’m a huge fan of the ship.

Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?* I can still stand it, though not as much, but Mollstrade. Not due to fandom though! Some of the commentary from Rupert Graves skeeved me on the pairing.

Have you received anon hate? What about?* Not so much anon hate, but I mentioned how my son was on the autism spectrum and he was a fan of Benedict’s even after the kerfluffle on stuff he said and someone who was in the Sherlock fandom (and was fairly popular) said I shouldn’t regain custody because I was a shitty parent. I blocked them and took off the dedication for a fic I was going to write for them, but yeah. That stung a lot. But that’s also why I never turn on anon messaging on this blog.

Most disliked character(s)? Why? John Watson. Firstly, I don’t like Martin Freeman much, and secondly, he reminds me way too much of my dad in a bad way.

Most disliked arc? Why? Mary’s death and the aftermath. It was just handled so badly that I still haven’t had the nerve to watch series 4 (I was spoiled to death when it aired and got all the info and meta I needed to write the season without watching it).

Is there an unpopular character you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why? I guess Molly? She gets a lot of shit but I adore her. She’s strong and resiliant and caring and just such a good person.

Is there an unpopular arc that you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why? Maybe Tom? I like it because it shows Molly didn’t spend all her time while Sherlock was “dead” moping around. She moved on, even if it was to a thinly disguised clone.

Unpopular opinion about XXX character? @lady-of-the-spirit picked Irene, and I guess my unpopular opinion is that I like her with Sherlock as a ship. Adlock gets so much shit but it’s intriguing.

Unpopular opinion about your fandom? There are so many misogynists in this fandom. I hate that the male characters have fans that are fans at the expense of the female characters and treat the actresses like shit on social media.

Unpopular opinion about the manga/show? I don’t think there should be a fifth season. It ended at a good spot to let people continue the stories in fic.

If you could change anything in the show, what would you change? Mary would have lived.

Instead of XYZ happening, I would have made ABC happen…I think I would have started the Eurus arc earlier, around series 3? After they got done with Moriarty, they should have started planting seeds for Eurus instead of dropping her on us the way they did.

Does not shipping something ‘popular’ mean you’re in denial and/or biased? According the the fandom, yes. But in my opinion? Much more fun to be a multi-shipper, so the fact I don’t ship the big OTP doesn’t mean anything other than I like to spread myself around and have more couples in my sandbox.

What is the one thing you hate most about your fandom? See the misogyny answer above.

What is the purest ship in the fandom? I don’t think this fandom really has any. Maybe that’s a bad thing, maybe not.

What are your thoughts on crack ships? Love ‘em. My OTP is a Star Trek AOS crossover (McMolly, or Leonard McCoy/Molly Hooper).

Popular character you hate? John Watson

Unpopular character you love? Sally Donovan

Would you recommend XXX to a friend? Why or why not? Honestly, this is one of those shows where I think others have done it better (I happen to also be a huge fan of Elementary), but I would recommend the show for some fine examples of acting on Benedict Cumberbatch and other’s parts and just tell people to avoid the fandom.

How would you end XXX/Would you change the ending of XXX? I wouldn’t change the ending at all. It ended in a really good way after the Eurus stuff.

Most shippable character? Molly Hooper

Least shippable character? Philip Anderson

Salty Ask List