#Do something stupid. Feels like everyone else have done so... Ive never done something ... Stupid. Irresponsible etc.

[brains-out-rn]

I don't like debating much(unless necessary for the sake of my own humanity) but sometimes it can be really Really fun specifically if it's about something that has absolutely no real weight to it(and yet if you were a spectator it might cause some concern for whatever reason)

for example: would you rather be threatened(physically mentally or emotionally take your pick) by a can of corn or a cob of corn?

Me personally I'd pick cob for a few reasons

1. I can outlast it(probably)

Fresh corn will eventually rot and decay but have you seen how long canned stuff can last unopened before it looks slightly different from new stuff??

2. Cans are made of metal not vegetable flesh

While a corn cob has its core that's not metal. Ever dropped a can? Might get a dent. If you have a good kick then you might survive but you will probably hurt your foot. Ever dropped corn? If it had it outer leaves and hair it might have stood a chance but if it didn't then bits of corn go everywhere

3. Actually fighting if needed

I feel like I could survive a fight with a sentient can but a sentient cob just seems less likely to hurt

However there are some things might change my decision

Like issue one which is how the corn moves because if the cob is fresh with hair and leaves and can move all the little hairs individually and can move the leaves then I'd probably choose the can because at that point I feel like it's less of "how would i survive with the least amount of bruising" and more of "how would I rather die but with a chance of surviving" and in my opinion i think blunt force trauma would be better then a slow death of strangulation via a sentient corns hair plus I do think I'd have a chance against a can of corn

Another issue is if it was mentally or emotionally I'd probably go with the can bc I feel like it would be easier for to rationalize it as ridiculous to be threatened by a can of corn then a cob for some reason

Like a cob is ridiculous to the point that I'd just accept it as making sense for that to happen?

a can is like "why am I listening to the can of corn. I literally own a can opener." But a cob is more like "if I were to try and deal with you in the traditional way of dealing with corn that would mean a pot and water and time and-"

Plus idk why but I feel like a cob would be less mean with its words. I can't explain it I just think cob would just go straight to physical threats instead of emotional ones but a can would stare at you menacingly making you question yourself and just judging you

[mrfoox]

I've had two drinks and like... Two shots and Oliver was not a fan of my adventures

[hrrtshape]

how to stop being a fucking shifting FLOP???? I dunno if it’s because i’m a stupid idiot minor with no parents and a bum knee but I CANNOT just WAKE UP IN MY DR. I made TWO different scripts for this DR, I’ve done all the editing and i’ve tried to live the fantasy but it’s still not enough and something isn’t clicking in my brain and it’s taking me longer than other ppl and I just feel rlly fucking DUMB bcs everyone keeps screaming about how SHIFTING IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO EASY like NO!! ITS NOT IVE TRIED TO MAKE IT EASY AND JUST LIE DOWN AND DO IT BUT I STILL HAVENT DONE IT YET LIKE WTF AM I DOIN?? i can’t even lay down and do an attempt anymore because i just get triggered and frustrated and give up and just doomscroll. guys be fr with me am i just dumb? like idk what else to do anymore i guess its just not gonna happen for me ig. and it just sucks because i’m getting older and it feels like I missed the train like the universe gave me opportunity to leave my shitty life and i just completely missed the mark because im literally so dumb like i literally can’t figure anything out and im always the slowest to understand or achieve. LOVE UR BLOG BTW!!! 🩷🩷🩷 all you shiftblr ppl are so creative and passionate about your shifting journeys and your DR like WOW. i could never i’m too lazy and burnt out like shifting is forever ruined for me and I don’t even remember when I first discovered it but it was sure as hell easier and interesting back than it is NOW. BECAUSE NOW IT IS HELL! I just realized i didn’t ask a question damn MY BAD!! 🤣🤣🤣😭😭😭😭 what’s your fav color gurl?? 😜

!!!!! shifting is not a train, you did not miss it, there is no conductor smoking a cigar going “ah. shame. shoulda moved faster, kiddo.” !!!!!! it’s not an iq test. it’s not a puzzle you need to solve before your body disintegrates into the ether. it’s literally just… reality fluidity. like. i don’t know how else to say it. you are already moving, just not in the way your brain wants to perceive it yet. and that’s fine.

and yeah, sure, everyone screams about how “shifting is soooo easy,” but you know what else is allegedly easy?????? love. happiness. parallel parking. forgiving your parents for giving you bpd. mathematics. applying to university. they’re all technically simple, but when you’re in the trenches, when you’re feeling like a dumb little orphan annie with a bum knee, they feel IMPOSSIBLE. it’s not about intelligence. it’s about..... not treating it like a bear you need to wrestle to the ground. you have made it a task, a foe, an enemy. but shifting is your friend. and you don’t scream at your friends (unless they’re being annoying but shifting is not a frat boy, it’s literally just you).

so what do you do???? you let go. you stop doomscrolling about how hard it is, you stop making it a war, you stop convincing yourself that you’re too slow, too late, too stupid. shifting is a current. and it carries you when you let it. it’s in the way your thoughts drift at night. the way you daydream. the way you’re already halfway in your dr when you listen to music. that’s it.

anyway. my favourite colour is pink. obviously.

[oceanofsinners]

“They love me, they love me not.”

Yan!Pervy cupid x gn innocent succubi/incubi reader ♥︎

[mdni, or do, i don't care enough to block y'all tbh. NSFW, first time in a while writing it so apologies ack. tw/cw: mentions of violence, blood, religious stuff kinda. lmk if i have to add smth else too! also?? sorry for disappearing i got stuck in the hospital, ouchies!! also holy fuck this is 2.k words ive never wrote that much...]

Nova wasn't...normal. Well, to be fair, it wasn't their fault he was created this way. It was Father’s fault.

 

Being born a Cupid, but being unable to feel most emotions, or even love. How ridiculous. Pathetic, even. Compared to their brothers and sisters, he was useless.

 

They grew up alone and isolated, no one wanted a Cherub whose expression was always bored. No one wanted a Cherub who never wanted to play with the others or found joy in small things. 

 

He grew up in one of the few orphanages in Paradise, some human souls for foster parents who weren't able to have kids themselves, happy to have any.

 

Angels were meant to be cheerful and optimistic, they were neither. Many thought he'd grow up to be a Guardian Angel or an Archangel. 

 

Never a Cupid. Especially a Love Cupid. Maybe a Heartbreak Cupid, even Erotic Love Cupid, but Love? They didn't even truly understand what the word meant. Or so everyone thought. 

 

Angels were meant to be non-judgemental. Meant to be “kind” and believe in everyone. Angel’s are not. Angels are just as judgemental, perhaps even more than humans. 

 

The other Cupids always watched him in disdain when they were training, he always dragged their class down, being worse at it than most of the others.

 

But then, in high school, something changed. See, Angels and Demons typically don't like each other. 

 

Angels hate Demons for falling, and Demons hate the lies Angels say. But in the end, they are one and the same. 

 

Only one’s halo is broken, the other’s is perfectly fine. No, not halo, horns. If there was one thing special about Nova, it was their “halo“, or horns. 

 

They were a beautiful baby pink color that matched the pearly white hair that reached his shoulders, with pretty gold and bright pink streaks, that made their purple eyes pop. 

 

Even though Nova couldn't feel anything, he was beautiful. Freckles were made in the forms of constellations scattered over brown skin, and white eyelashes that looked like snowflakes. 

 

They were beautiful. Ethereal. An Angel, through and through. He never imagined they'd fall willingly, even hating the thought. 

 

But, maybe for one person, he would. That person is YOU. 

 

The Demons and Angels made an agreement, there was an academy built, for both Angels and Demons of all ranks and backgrounds, a sort of truce.

 

Nova was one of the angels chosen, amongst many others. They didn't care about it, just wanting it to be done already. To get the embarrassment over. 

 

Days turned into weeks of staying in the shadows, going to boring classes, eating lunch in empty classrooms, studying all night, and repeat. 

 

It was boring, but it's not like Nova had anything he could do about it. Another day of stupid school, of stupid wars between haughty Angels and Demons who liked fighting. 

 

Except this time, Nova got caught in the crossfire. Cuts covered their skin, golden blood leaking down and ruining his beautiful clothes.

 

One of the Demons had them pushed up against a wall, claws to his throat, and they stood there blank gaze. Nova raised a brow as the Demon got pushed, and went to walk away. 

 

Then YOU came. You seemed confused at the fight, trying to make peace despite it being fruitless. You paused at the sight of him, before gasping and quickly running over. 

 

“Ah, you're bleeding! Gosh, I told these dummies to stop fighting, they just don't listen!” You frowned, trying to appear upset but you just looked like a kicked puppy with a pout. 

 

You pulled them off to the side, reaching inside a black messenger back absolutely covered in cutesy stickers and pins from different bands. 

 

Nova took the time to look at you, really look at you. It was strange. Why was his heart beating so fast? Wings fluffing up? You were beautiful. One of the prettiest Demons they’d ever seen. 

 

That's what clued him into what you were, an Incubus or Succubus. Really, there was no difference between the two except for their behavior. Incubus tended to be more assertive, and Succubus more passive. 

 

Before Nova could think about anything else, you pulled a first aid kit out, opened it up, and pulled a pack of bandaids out. 

 

You started disinfecting their wounds, before putting those cute, colored bandaids on each wound.

 

Nova looks silly like this, mostly black, Gothic ensemble, even with his pastel eyes and horns, they still looked less like an Angel and more like a Demon. 

 

And there you were, broken halo turned into a pair of horns, dressed in cutesy clothes, putting brightly colored bandaids on the mean-looking Cupid. 

 

With every fleeting touch, Nova felt embers light under his skin, his cheeks warming even further. ‘...What...What is this feeling? I don't...’

 

Before Nova even realized it, they were leaning even further into your cold, almost dead touch. You paused, before giggling and roping your arms around his shoulders. 

 

“Wow! You're super friendly, I like you, your hair too, it's super duper long! What's your name?” You asked, playing with his long hair, curling it around your fingers.

 

“Casanova. But people call me Nova, usually. What's yours?” Nova looked up at you, a lovesick hazy look in his purple eyes, heart pupils. How amusing. A Cupid falling for an Incubi/Succubi. What are the odds? 

 

“Oh! Right! It's—” Before you can finish, a teacher begins herding everyone to their classes. Nova’s pissed —‘How...Why do I feel so angry?’— but goes along with it, delighted to see you wave with a sheepish grin, fangs showing. 

 

Nova doesn't know your name. But he doesn't need to. You're his angel in their mind, the one and only made for him. 

 

Very quickly you become a prominent part of his life, their parents even allowing you to stay at their house while the program goes on, happy to see their child so happy for once. 

 

With so many emotions suddenly hitting him all at once, it's no shock they fall harder than he should, becoming obsessed fast and hard. 

Nova begins realizing things they'd never realized before. The curves of your body. Those soft eyes he wants to see sobbing from pleasure. Those lips open, gasping their name—

 

But it ends far too soon. The program is forced to close, and you're gone just as fast as you came. Nova hates how empty he feels when you're gone, wondering how he ever lived without you.

 

He feels cold inside, a part of him disappearing with you. Something they can NEVER get back. He tries to be normal, smiling when he should, crying when he should, just be normal. 

 

It's easy for a while. To pretend. No, BE normal. Far too soon, or maybe far too late, he graduates high school. Then college. 

 

Years fly by, “friends” come and go, lovers he didn't give a shit about disappear after they get bored, and more and more blood then just his is on their hands. 

 

But you weren't always gone. You'd sneak out of hell and sneak onto paradise sometimes, and hang out with them. But it wasn't enough. He wanted all of your time and attention on him. Just once, they want someone to be there as a constant. 

 

Eventually he lands a job at Soulmates Corp. A Cupid work place, and he starts working. It's actually pretty simple and interesting. Sure, they don't use bow and arrows — usually. But being able to look through humans lives, to choose who they fall for. It's interesting. 

 

And then, one night, you innocently invite him to a club in hell. They instantly agree, after all, it's YOU. His angel, their savior, his LIFE LINE. Their EVERYTHING. 

 

Funnily enough, over the years the two swapped clothing styles. Nova wore more cutesy, sweet, pastel color clothes, and you wore darker, more “sexy” clothes. 

 

Nova arrived at the club, absentmindedly toying with the pockets of his pastel blue cardigan. Tonight would be the last night of your freedom - independance, after all! 

 

Nova walks in, you on his side, some of your friends accompanying the two of you. He could care less about these bastards, and soon makes sure to seperate you from your “friends”.

 

He watches you with loving eyes the entire night, making sure you get drunk so bad you can't stand. It's easy, you're too trusting. Too innocent for this world. 

 

He'll save you, just like you saved them! Eventually they take you to their place. At first it's tame. Friendly. 

 

“N—Novaaahhhh...C’mere, I hic! wanna see yer pretty faceeee...” Your voice is whiny, the alcohol really hitting you hard. Nova coos, walking over. 

 

They yelp, quite loudly, as you drag them onto the bed, curling into his side. It's innocent. His thoughts should be too. 

 

But all they can think about is your chest pressed against their arms, how easy it would be to just slip your shirt to the side, and touch. Feel.

 

He shakes his head, even if you're both drunk, he can't take advantage of you like that. They refuse to taint you, and that pretty little head of yours. 

 

Stuck in their own thoughts, Nova doesn't even realize you straddle him until it's too late. Your eyes are hazy with lust and alcohol, and he can't help but gulp nervously. 

 

“Angel, really, you...you need to sleep.” Nova tries to reason with you, but reasoning with a horny, drunk Demon, much less an Incubi or Succubi is like arguing with a wall. 

 

You whine, lips lazily smashing against his. Nova can't help but melt into it, and they hate how hard they are from just a touch, a single kiss. 

 

This is wrong. Both of you know this. Yet neither of you can stop it. One kiss turns into two, into three. 

 

“An-Angel!” Nova gasps out as you nip at his collarbone, their neck already covered in love bites and pretty blue and purple bruises. 

 

“Mmph..Wan’ more...Need more, Nova...” You growled out, one hand playing with his chest the other curled in their hair. 

 

More marks. More bites. So many. He looked so pretty like this, a crying mess under their ‘innocent’ friend. 

 

Still, he held enough restraint to stop you, not wanting to ruin your first times together. But, due to your insistence, they do give you some pleasure~

 

Nova sits on his knees, you splayed out on their silk sheets, your slick dripping onto the bed as you whined. Hips jerking up to meet his tongue, hands curled around their halo. 

 

Nova’s tongue swirls against your sex, whining from the taste of your juices against his tongue. It was better then he imagined all those nights, hand playing with their cock, desperate for some relief. 

 

With every swipe and sucking of his mouth, you get closer and closer to that sweet relief you desperately need. With one last gasp, your eyes roll back and hips buck against Nova’s mouth. 

 

Nova laps up every bit of your sweet essence, fucking you through your orgasm. He's gentle after you finish, murmuring praises into your ears as they carry you to their bathroom. 

 

During the bath you end up falling asleep, Nova carries you to bed and the two fall asleep, intangled in each other. 

 

It's morning. Your eyes flutter open, yawning softly as you groaned. Fuck, that's a horrible headache. You glance around, pausing as you feel a weight beside you. What the...

 

Your eyes glide to the person laying beside you, and you pause, your cheeks warming. Nova. You're in Nova’s bed. 

 

Nova, the Cupid boy you met as a kid. Nova, the Cupid you fell for, hard. Nova, the Cupid who always seemed so clueless and innocent. 

 

And they truly look like an Angel right now. The sun shines against against his white hair and skin beautifully, wings folded behind them. 

 

Your face feels even warmer as embarrassment fills you as you see bite marks all over their neck. Bite’s are how Demon’s mark their claim, usually on their mates. Angel’s too. 

 

He let you bite them. And yet, you can't find yourself to be mad over it. Nova’s eyes flutter open, glancing up at you. A soft smile appears on their face, as they lean up and kiss you. 

 

The Angel traps you in his wings and you giggle, curling into them. He's yours, and your his even if you don't know yet. 

 

You took their heart a long time ago. It's time he takes yours too. ♥︎

[thewebcomicsreview]

Hamsteak? Again? God, everything happens so much, but at least we're done with Vriska. And I can copy and paste text again. Wowsers. Anyway we're out of hell and now we're with The Moms, in a suspiciously green-and-orange environment.

ROSE: This is an impressive shield. ROSE: I don't think I've ever seen you make one this size before. JADE: ive been practicing! JADE: if i stay focused i should be able to keep it up for quite a while.

Oh hey, starting us right off with Deepest Lore, as Jade can apparently make shields. We've never really seen her "natural" Witch of Space powers in the original comic, since she was using First Guardian powers the whole time (or no powers and just gadgets like the soothspecs, back before everyone became X-Men). I've been wondering what she could do au natural, and...apparently it's shields? Would not have called that, but sure.

JADE: between yiffys capture and rescue and finding dave... JADE: like that... JADE: i just feel like my life flashed before my eyes and it made me a little crazy! JADE: after being unconscious for a bit things feel way clearer now

It's still weird to me that Dave's "death" was so recent to the characters. That was in the epilogues! We made a sequel series since then! It got cancelled! Then it got revived! It was a long time!

JADE: after being unconscious for a bit things feel way clearer now ROSE: Nothing beats a rump to the skull for mental clarity. JADE: the mistakes we made are so obvious to me now JADE: embarrassingly obvious!

Being unconscious is Jade's natural state, so naturally it heals her. Also I detect a justification for a small change in Candy Jade's characterization here, like she'll be acting differently that she has been and this is the excuse. Lets stick a pin in that thought, though.

JADE: this whole situation is my fault and even though it just keeps getting more frustrating and shitty im going to do right by you JADE: were going to figure this out ROSE: Are you sure it's prudent to keep this amateur marriage counselor performance up? JADE: rose... JADE: youre taking this seriously JADE: right? ROSE: I don't know what you mean by that.

I really do like this characterization of Candy Rose, though (which is apparently also a slight retcon from the original plans, according to the writer commentaries). None of this is real, so she doesn't give a shit about any of it. Her mid-life crisis is worse than John's.

JADE: though playing stupid and cajoling her into slapping me around for catharsis wont work anymore JADE: well have to think of something else... ROSE: Jade, I've been compliant with these clumsy machinations partially because they weren't all that consequential at the time, but you need to cut your losses.

Oh we are hard retconning Candy Jade's personality here. She's not an emotional wreck at all, at least part of it is her clumsy attempt at being Machiavellian. Are they building up to changing Yiffy's backstory, far and away the least popular idea in HS2?

JADE: "ohhhh bluh bluh blah i can see the fruitlessness of all our clumsy insignificant thrashing in fates cosmic current" JADE: dont forget im more than a little versed in future sight myself ok JADE: i dont care how credible it seems, you cant depend on that information!

Opens Homestuck_2_Speculation.rtf.doc.xpf.bro

What information is this, Jade? Is it related to the visions Calliope had that let her build the machine? The only future sight Jade's ever had is the clouds of Skaia

JADE: "abloo hoo hoo, my life is a monkey paw, everything i want hurts me in the end" ROSE: It was a little pathetic. JADE: I KNOW!

Oh man, that's going back deep.

This aspect of Jade, that deep down she's a bit of a wreck but she toughs it out because she hates her own weakness, hasn't really been focused on since Act 4 of the original comic when it got personified in Jadesprite. It's nice to see that aspect referenced again here. I liked Jade's speech justifying Yiffy's existence, it did a lot to make that plot point go down smoother, but I totally buy that Jade herself hated it. Kind of funny that we had six updates of Vriscourse and now I have way more to say about this one expository speech out of Best Girl, but Jade's actually a pretty complex character and her issues are so often glossed over as "Wow she had to live in isolation for three years after her brother and boyfriend randomly exploded and that's kind of sad I guess", so it's nice to spend some time inside her head like this.

JADE: the truth is whatever people WANT to believe JADE: you can either try forcing them to understand your side JADE: leave it completely in their hands and take no responsibility JADE: or you work with their wants and perspectives JADE: and make some informed compromises ROSE: Over the state of reality? JADE: rose i am begging you can you please cut it out with all the cryptic cosmic crap and come back down to earth???

One of my pet peeves of the epilogues is that Dave Strider turns into a Bernie Sanders supporter and keeps talking about "neoliberalism" despite living in a wacky future utopia planet and having never lived through the 2016 Democratic Primary that all his talking points were cribbed from, but we have an explanation for that now. It's his wife. Jade was the neoliberal all along.

JADE: thats whats scaring me! JADE: youre not prepared for how bad it can get JADE: you have no idea at all!!!!!!!!!!! ROSE: If you say so.

That was a joke but this is sounding a little suspiciously like voting discourse, but that might just be me being election-brained. God I'm so stressed, please vote for Harris if for no other reason to make Trump-analogue Jane Crocker feel dated and weird.

Jade has no idea what she’s talking about. There’s not a thing to worry about here. You came out the womb playing defense

You didn't come out of a womb at all. You've never even been in one. Also holy shit this page is called Rose: Ramble and it's early-HS2 levels of Wall of Text, though I think you're actually intended to glaze over it a little.

It doesn’t really matter, in the long run. Important or not, Vriska’s going to fail. Jane’s going to fail, too; really, just about everyone is going to fail to do something that really matters. In an unsuccessful effort to stave off that failure, and perhaps to atone for it on some level, Calliope will sacrifice herself, fruitlessly. You’re not exempt from the firing squad, either. In the imminent battle, you are going to be shot in the head, the bullet burying deep into your moral grey matter and jamming up the works of your conditional immortality, leaving you confined to a hospital bed. You had to pull all kinds of ridiculous, eyebrow-raising Chaos Theory shit to figure that one out. The rat-tail was worth it, your daughter’s anguish aside.

It's generally considered bad writing to have a prophecy not come true, but I think this is bullshit and Rose's Seer of Light powers don't work in a land of pure void.

KANAYA: Those Two Will Not Be Joining Us On The Battlefield Either KARKAT: OH? KANAYA: I Know Such Decisions Are Well Above My Pay Grade And That The Critical Need To Win This Battle Far Outweighs My Marital Discomfort KANAYA: And Being Down Two Gods Isnt Exactly Ideal KANAYA: But... KANAYA: I Cant KANAYA: Sorry KARKAT: DON'T BE.

KARKAT: FUCK ‘EM.

Man, Punished Karkat is cool.

Man, I love how stupid Jane's death ray looks. It's a cake!

Your father never did voice any kind of opinion on your parenting style. In hindsight, he was probably avoiding the subject altogether.

It's hard to talk with your dad when he's not allowed to have any dialogue due to stylistic convention. I have that issue with my uncle.

JAKE: Oh. JANE: chhhhhhhhlmm nnnn. JAKE: OH CRIPES! JAKE: I'M SORRY JANEY!!! JANE: kkkkkkkkaaaaaa?? JAKE: JUST- S-STAY STILL OK?

lmao. This is the absolutely best way this assassination attempt could've gone.

This art is excellent.

Man, this was a great update, Jesus. So much shit is going on, and while HS2 and HS:BC have had good moments this is the first time in a long while I've really had that classic Homestuck feeling that made me fall in love with the comic in the first place.

[notetaeker]

Man my eldest daughter disease is getting to me.

Eldest kids, especially formerly gifted kids 100% believe they can fix everything, that perfect is attainable, and that the only reason perfect hasnt been attained yet is because They haven't tried a hand in it.

And I know this is the dunya, so nothing can be perfect, but its so frustrating to me when things can be so easily fixed, or when things could go so easily but someone else's arrogance/ignorance/stubbornness or something gets in the way. Ive seen this happen while preparing for a big event recently. And it frustrates me to no end lol because im always like if everyone could just communicate clearly and directly... we could avoid so many absolutely unnecessary issues.

But I have to remind myself that this is the dunya. Communicating doesnt come easy to everyone. Not everyone was brought up in the same time period or the same place or in the same circumstances. People will be passive aggressive, others will be trying to take the high road and never mention anything that disturbs them until they literally explode. Even others will constantly mention anything that bothers them immediately, no filter- at the wrong time. I will do it too sometimes. Its a really hard lesson. That the only person whose behavior I can control and change is myself. Especially when everyone else fully believes that they can control each other or that criticizing each other and undermining each others decisions is the solution.

I guess the only solution is to just figure out how to control your own emotions, not letting others disturb your peace by not getting too invested with ppls issues, and just focus on yourself. That was my new years resolutions and I'm more set on it everyday.

There's no end to it. If you are around people you will eventually brush shoulders with someone. And if they can't communicate properly then theres nothing you can do.

Ugh except that it always feels like there is something to be done! Thats the toxic thing that just kills me. Its the potential of perfection. The stupid 'if only' that kills me, that makes it feel like peace is literally just within reach, but that if only is hinged on other people. If only A reworded his command to B, there would have been no misunderstanding, then I wouldnt have had to try to problem solve other ppls issues because it affects me and Task C wouldnt have been delayed wasting all this time. THERES NO END 🫠🫠

Sigh May Allah make it easy for all of us. Esp ppl who suffer from the same kind of perfectionism as me. I've come a long way from actual perfectionism but this thing always kills me.

[geddy-leesbian]

ngl weirdly salty that there's already like an Established Leon Lore guy. does not matter how much i meticulously document everything about DSC lore, literally no one will ever come to my ask box on @leon-stupid-kennedy to ask a lore question. I guarantee if the vast majority of my mutuals had a question related to Darkside Chronicles Leon they wouldn't come to me, they'd run straight to highball. don't get me wrong highball is GOAT, but like when it comes to Darkside specifically I'd say I'm more useful. like I'm not trying to be arrogant or say I'm a Leon expert or anything but I don't think he's even played DSC ever, I had to get him screenshots of costumes once when he posted about not being able to find them and also he wasn't aware that the cutscenes are pre rendered or whatever so costumes don't work in them. I have a phd in darkside chronicles at this point but i don't have cool name recognition so why even bother asking me when you could just ask highball because his word is gospel who cares what anyone else knows about leon

No matter how hard i try i will never get lore questions or requests for anything because ???

Like even outside of darkside i feel like i have enough cred to be someone who would maybe get a luis lore ask once in a blue moon bc ive analyzed his fucking trash can and found a HIDDEN ROOM IN HIS HOUSE NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER GONE IN but nope no one cares about heathers thoughts at all! my opinions are worth nothing i exist to pump out gif and screenshot sets. the only time i get headcanon/lore/anything asks is when i pathetically beg which makes it less fun! :) literally how the fuck do people judt get spontaneous asks.

I do so much work taking screenshots of EVERYTHING and compiling lore and no one gives a shit because I'm not some household re fandom name like highball or eric. I'm the weird loser outcast of the fandom that's never fully included. You'll drive by and maybe slow down and reblog a gif set of mine or a shit post, but you're keeping your windows rolled up, you're not engaging with me.

Once in a while I'll get thanked for what i do but idk it just rings hollow sometimes. Ppl tell me ive done so much for the fandom but the fandom doesn't seem to be aware of that seeing as a lot of re blogs that interact with my mutuals constantly refuse to follow me or engage with me in any way beyond reblogging my shit posts :) literally people who joined the fandom long after I did have more RE mutuals than me. whenever a new person pops up in the fandom everyone flocks to them and they'll follow back and interact with a ton of people, but not me! :)) like do I need to change my blog theme? Trash the ugly wall of disorganized text. Oh wait no that won't do anything because even when I had a super clean/neat/organized blog description I was ignored like I am now :)) something about me is inherently off putting to other RE fans and I should just give up <3

[saintetheldredablogshorrormovies]

okay i dont usually post my personal notes in full but i found my old notes from the first time i watched season 2 episode 2 (everybody loves a clown) (i take brief like three word notes as i watch an episode then fill in what i meant when its done so i wasnt like pausing the whole way through) and listen. they are so so embarrassing. the most embarrassing thing i will post on this blog. but im going through a depression right now worse than ive ever known so bad that im getting medicated and it means i go through long stretches often where im so numb and i dont care about anything which feels horrible and this amount of earnest and stupid joy is actually so incredible to me okay the notes are exactly as follows

I feel like the use of clowns is going to have something to do with how we learn to fear clowns cause we’re afraid of anything that looks too happy. Got Winchester trust issues written all over it hehe

(Re Dean protesting working on the car is the only thing he can do) Dean is not a man for destinations. Narry a fuck for destinations coming from this man and I. Find that extremely hot of him tbh

THE GUN SPIN WAS SO HOT HELP JOS PUNCH ALSO HOT CAN EVERYONE QUIT BEING HOT FOR A SECOND SOME MERCY PLEASE I know I’m supposed to laugh about the gun spin now but also I kind of feel like I’ll never be over it help?????

I DONT LIKE JO PT 2 OF ME HATING ALL OF DEANS LOVE INTERESTS NOT THAT IM POSSESSIVE BUT IF HES NOT CASTIELS HES MINE SORRY BUT THE SHADE AT ZEPPELIN 4 IS INEXCUSABLE I find these love interests genuinely distressing WHY CANT THEY GET IT RIGHT

((authors note i adore jo now i think i was just jealous LOL and also i watched the show cause i kept seeing cas online and loved him and thought destiel sounded so romantic so i hated every love interest HAHA))

EEEEEEE WE LOVE A COSTUME WE LOVE A COSTUME

I love this so much. This show has always been so kind to the quiet, antisocial kind of beauty, the kind that knows to protect itself from where people devour it out in the open and that has honestly always, always meant the world to me. The whole, Dean being silent and Sam constantly trying to ask "are you coping am I coping how do I cope" thing. It’s beautiful. The show understands what it’s like for some people to never feel at home, and never feel quite satisfied. Not everyone has that, you know. And where so often that gets called immaturity, a flaw you grow out of and correct, it’s one of the few things that will say to me, no, the way you learned how to survive, that’s beautiful. The storm in your heart, it isn’t your destruction, it is a strength as strong as anyone’s. The way that you are is beautiful without needing to be corrected. Idk I struggled to express this

(fucking insane that i actually wrote this with a straight face god bless this girl)

The intimacy of seeing them laugh at each other’s teasing seriously it’s like nothing else

Whyyy do Dean and Ash have like. Chemistry I hate it Better than Jo though actually I love it

SO ALICE AND I ALWAYS SAID THIS SHOW KNOWS HOW TO ABSOLUTELY SHRED YOUR HEART AND UHHHHH (re the last scene with him hitting the car LOL)

[messybouquetoflilies]

This wasn't the reason before, but after seeing your new dumb post my new reason is because you think you aren't "safe" around Trump supporters. You are a clear victim to fear porn if you believe that. Trump and Harris are both liars, frauds, and puppets for a corrupt system, but Trump supporters (for the most part) are amazingly wonderful people (other than their blind allegiance to an actor playing his part, just like Harris plays hers). The vast majority do not care if you're a faggot pretending to be a girl, they just want you to stop guilting, shaming, and trying to force everyone else to play pretend with you (as well as supporting the indoctrination and grooming of children). If you want to live inside your imagination, then by all means go ahead, but that doesn't mean the rest of the world needs to play along with your delusions or be quiet with their opinions.

Regardless of what you think of this message, I want to implore you not to give in to fear. If you live a life centered around love, then you have nothing to be afraid of. If you turn people into monsters inside your head, then of course that's what you'll see when you look at them, regardless of the reality in front of you.

Get off Tumblr. Get off the internet. Breathe fresh air. Walk on grass. TALK to people face to face and live inside the real world. You're killing your soul by spending so much time online, drowning in toxic, hateful ideologies. Thinking with your dick instead of your heart. I'm pretty sure you don't believe you have a soul, anyway, which is just further proof you're destroying yourself. Why else would someone get off to being beaten and abused? Being treated like a dog? You have no self-worth and you want everyone else to be just as miserable as you. You don't love yourself, so how can you ever expect anyone else to love you? All you'll ever find is people who get off to the idea of fucking and hurting the costume you choose to attach yourself to. Your entire life is the way it is because you don't take accountability for anything. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You are on the wrong path. In ten years when you're in the exact same spot, wondering why things are so bad for you, why people cut you out of their lives, questioning what you could have done differently, feeling alone and unlovable, still staring at your computer screen and wishing things would change, still pretending like it's the world's fault and not your own, I hope you remember this anon and start making the right choices for yourself. You're a man. Get your shit together and act like one. Then once you've finally learned to love yourself as you are and you straighten out the mess of your life, by all means - act like the dumbest, prettiest lil' puppy bitch you wanna be behind closed doors. Separate reality from fantasy instead of trying to merge them into one. You will NEVER find happiness if you carry on how you have been. The only people who will love you are the ones who are happy to keep you sick and mentally ill so long as that means they never have to face their own demons.

it really is the most boring piece of shit little worm answers from people like you lol. crazy you tell me im on this website too much when you literally respond to my posts within minutes. someones obsessed 😇

why is it always the same speech 😔 cant you loser pieces if shit come up w something new and interesting to say? ive heard this before. you're wrong. there you go, thats my argument. it has just about the same level of depth and introspection as the 9 paragraphs you just sent. you get to see one side of me on the internet with no context and you think you can say all that. get a life

spending your free time sending personalized, anons to a blog in a dark corner of the internet that averages 1 note a post, and then telling them they spend too much time on the website is psycho behavior. get help, and make actual friends im begging you.

you're weird and gross for thinking like this. stop trying to control other people you know nothing about, and do a lil work on urself. look into your own beliefs and the sources you're getting your entertainment and information from. get some perspective in life and stop wasting your time being such a sad, boring, loser <3

[pumpkinland]

I try not to talk about weight or weight loss too much bc it can trigger a lot of people and i want to be respectful of that and also because when the topic comes up it inevitably invites people who think they've cracked the secret to weight management that works for everyone and if you struggle it's because you're lazy or stupid and just don't understand that what works for everyone else works for you too, you just don't have enough willpower or discipline and your weight is a moral failing (lol) but the thing is like

when i say i am trying to lose weight i feel like most people don't understand that i literally do not have a regimen or a nutrition plan or anything that's off limits, or any kind of restrictions, or literally anything i literally just kind of vibe and go with the flow. like i try to just make sure i feel ok at all times and be conscious of how often i indulge in treats and reign it in sometimes and let loose others. and i feel like it has been working for me bc my goal is to just gradually eat better and move more. it's just like to make progress over what i did yesterfay, what i did last month, what i did 6 months ago, etc, until i get to a point where ive gone from a shit diet to a decent one, without shocking my body or myself in the process and creating something unsustainable that isn't going to last. and like. for me. FOR ME. this has been working. ive lost 20 lbs this way. it wasn't fast though.

and what really really REALLY sucks is that THIS is what "lifestyle changes" means. changing your lifestyle is jarring and difficult to adapt to esp if you do it all at once. but the thing is it's still difficult to talk about bc you have people in one hand who were so hurt by diet culture as to become victims of eating disorders (through no fault of their own) who now find it triggering to discuss weight management at all (rightfully so). on the other hand you have people who are or were lucky that conventional diet wisdom worked for them, and now believe that if you're not thin it's because you just didn't try hard enough and don't have the mental fortitude or moral toughness and that being fat is your punishment for failing to be virtuous and disciplined.

those people will usually hear what im doing and seem upset that not only is it working for me, that i don't go to the gym 5 days a week and eat vegetables for 85% of my meals and im still losing weight, but they seem to feel like i should be punished for daring to feel comfortable on my journey, rather than punishing myself and pushing myself as hard as i can and restricting my calories and using exercise as a punishment instead of a reward or a treat, and they always jump really hard on me when i say how much ive lost and they find out how long it took, they're like well that's not good enough. that took you too long. if you were doing it right you'd lose it faster. so then it becomes well ok sure you lost 20 lbs but that's not good enough... you're being lazy, you should have done that faster. you'd be thinner right now if you weren't so lazy. and so instead of celebrating the victory with me, of losing 20 lbs, which is not a small amount to lose no matter what anyone tries to tell you! the minimize it and belittle it because a fat person should never be comfortable when it comes to weight, they should always feel shame for what they have done (be fat) and punish themselves as much as it takes to repent (become thin). and it's just like.

dude. im not christian. I'm just fat.

[lunakatz]

what to do when best friend starts running a cult and kidnaps my sister and lies to me and manipulates me but like i still care about her but like want her gone but like at the same time id be so sad because last time she died i was sobbing for like forever and mourning and now im the one whos gonna K1LL her but like thats illegal so no but at the same time yes because shes evil and i want the best for the people around me but also she matters more then the people here because ive known her since elementary and also everyone else has also committed like various crimes before so it dont matter but like i feel betrayed so its different

or is that just me being selfish

or is that me being smart is this the smarter option or is this just my instinct or something

maybe im in the wrong and i shouldnt do anything about it but she’s manipulating snd brainwashing so many innocent people and making them bad

but i also hate those people

because my whole life ive been fairly stupid and all but these people are so incredibly STUPID to think that this guy isnt cheerio my best friend

like why not its so obvious hes literally on stilts most of the time and has a freaking voice changer on AND hides his face

why hide your face if youre “god” ? because if you were god, you wouldn’t need to anyway because you can do anything you want,meaning you wouldnt be in danger if someone saw your face.

so why

why do these people think otherwise why do they not believe me??? i’ve done everything i could to try and help, including telling close family members and friends about it, and people in the cult, but it just doesn’t work. no one believes me. lucky believed me, i think.. but i dont know… fish doesn’t believe me and i dont know why.

all of this never helped

im trying to protect the others from him, but its just not working???

so theres only one thing left i believe

i have to kill cheerio

maybe once shes dead they wont be brainwashed anymore?

i dont even know man

i miss my wife

hey cheerio if you see this can you quit it or else i kill

thank

[predacon-carrion]

Log #4:

Now that I'm thinking back to how this specific individual was. I can only describe him and his ugly, red colored..paintjob and even uglier, putrid personality as millions upon millions of things, his voice sends shivers down my spine. He is also the one thing I despise the most on this stupid ship! He is Obnoxious, Annoying, Vain, Apathetic, Manipulative, Disgusting. Anything and everything negative your mind can think of, that's what he is! I absolutely despise him and I sincerely hope he gets humbled in the best possible way, if I had the opportunity to just destroy him, I would most definitely take it..as long as I don't die. But with..Carri..gosh, where do I even start with Him, I am deathly afraid of him yet I like him at the exact same time..I vividly remember the sweet moments Ive had with him, he has proven many times that he is trustworthy, but sometimes I just get this unease and wonder if..he would turn on us eventually. I know it's a stupid thought to have after all, but considering the questionable things he's.. done, and factoring in how He's making up for his actions. But don't pretend like you've never been afraid of someone just turning their back on you, treating you as if you're nothing! It's not just him though, sometimes I feel as if its everyone else too. I am, quite paranoid about Dearling, sometimes it feels like she's the only one I can trust. Same with Compy and Glitch. It's an everyone feeling, but there's this lingering sense of fear I experience, that no matter what you do, everyone around you will find a way to turn their backs on you and throw you under the bus.

...

Aside from my own..personal problems. I'm going to have to leave something else in these vents as another marking. Because when it really comes down to it. Progress is progress, and I want to make sure to save it. I'm definitely risking my health by making doing the same exact thing I've done beforehand. But hey, who said it wouldn't be risky...

I'm definitely not making it out of here without contracting a cold.

﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀﹀

They stopped in their tracks, looking ahead of themselves as they saw an opening that didn't lead them back to the Habsuite they were oh-so-familiar with

Wait...Is that? Their eyes widened I knew it! These vents aren't endless after all, I finally see it! An outside area I'm unfamiliar with! I must've hit the jackpot! They said, excitedly.

They proceed to gaze outside, gazing at their surroundings in absolute awe, finally they were surrounded by anything but the expanding and hollow walls of the vents I wish I had a camera on me right now...

They mumbled, before placing their last blanket down, sitting on it and jotting down their surroundings and the paths they have taken within the vent that lead them to where they were now. Finally relieved that they weren't traversing these vents for nothing and that all of their hard work and sacrifice didn't go to waste.

≈STS

.

[daniels-rwby-blog]

RWBY x Justice Leauge comments

For my actual review see (https://www.tumblr.com/daniels-rwby-blog/715604149128118272/this-is-pretty-much-what-ive-got-to-say-except?source=share)

This is just a lil something else:

I gotta say the animation and shots for this movie are awesome, like casually talking everyone has great fluidness and physics, and as "rwbyed" as JL's costumes are they move well for a RWBY episode. I mean it's nothing like V9 but it's more than on par with V8 or v7. At 54:15 as Weiss and Bruce fight the Grimm and the bees and wonder woman show up, Yang's jump punch is amazing and her hair is better than anything we've seen before.

Plus immediately after in the super fun anxiety closet with Jaune and Jessica, the framing as the crumbles from the walls moving in and FX and smoke is great.

Then at 56:07 as yang asks weiss what's going on, her hand (yeah ik it gets explained if you watch the film) on Blake, is amazingly well done, and Dina's little effects are hilarious, the way the animation and blocking shows how the JL adjust to being teens as stupid a plot point as that is, it looks great.

Which is not something I would have thought to say about RWBY 7 or 8 years ago.

As for plot, this obviously is not canon. It's like a really good fanfic and i like it that way, but the ending and the way team RWBY interact make it seem like it fits, near enough into mid V7 likely before the Schnee dinner and just after becoming licensed huntsmen. 

Firstly the way the bees act is how I would expect them to act in order for Blakes flirting to make sense in V9. 

Coming out of the end of V6 Blake knows yang is important to her, i don't think she has love in mind just yet but as we see during v7's bee scenes they care about each other a lot more now, we see this Blake jumping in to be by yang's side and reassuring Yang as she fights in the air with Dianna, things she will do again in the ponder-storm in V9, as she guides yang to the confession of a decade that is 🐝.

Meanwhile yang while coming around to Blake, hasn't latched on just yet, she knows when she's pushing blakes buttons and clearly cares what Blake thinks of her (they haven't confessed so yang still thinks what she thought on the bridge likely worse as well) but she isn't as connected or as longing to be by blakes side, a s Blake is for her.

However, like blakes shy and closed off shadowy character now being ready for joking and even flirting, following Adams death. Yang also feels more relaxed understanding Blake more and being open to a bit more flirtatious activity, but still gets stun locked by wonder woman, cause she doesn't realize yet that what she and Blake has is love.

This all makes sense for the show leading up to this point and what follows in V9

The reason V9 is so open, particularly from Blake, is that she realizes the slow burn she had with yang was taking Yang for granted and falling off the world made her realize that and start going in strong. She is determined to get everything she can out of this relationship and she will never take it for granted again. 

When the ponder storm hits SHE, guides the normally headfirst yang into the confession, while allowing yang to come to her own conclusions (hence i think qualifying from yang only)

Additionally by this point Renora hasn't kissed yet, i mean Nora and Ren have a lot more history, they had all of V4,V5,V6, V7 to get over beacon and start relationships again, compared to the V6 wonder that was the bees getting together again.

Renora in the film sees a third party, unlike the one off remark on wonder woman that number one dark haired ladies simp Yang had, cyborg pushes Ren out of his comfort zone a bit by heading for Nora, ultimately this doesn't lead to anything more than a misunderstanding but it shows that Ren while not making the first move in the kiss, at least knows that he wants to be with Nora, showing that ReNora was paced well for a V7 confirm.

As for Arkos? Well i don't think I need to explain Arkos and its timing. 

And no, I will not talk about WR.

Alright that's it from me on the movie, I'll keep saying some stuff (watched it 7 times now woooo) 

But that's about all there is to it, it looks pretty, it makes the ships make more sense if it were Cannon.

Again I'm not saying it's canon, but this is what I'd expect from V7 Blake and Yang and V7 ReNora if placed in this situation when their characters were at the stage they should be for the kisses to make sense.

I'd highly recommend The Beethis by @bees-shitposting

For more on why bumblebee isn't coming out of nowhere, remember stay chill y'all

And DFTBA!

[despite-everything]

i feel like every time i finally feel at peace about going no-contact with my mother something happens again that makes it sickening and one of the hardest things i've done.

i don't think i've ever burst into tears like this before. i dont even cry that often but im just really fucking going through it tonight. my mother texted me photos of the land she's bought down in central texas to build a ranch house on. when i was a kid, my grandparents had ranches. my grandmother was raised on one, too, and its gone back in our family. so i grew up on the ranch for holidays, long weekends, and portions of the summer. when my grandmother died and my parents divorced when i was a preteen, i went with my dad and my connection with that side of the family was almost severed because of my mothers tendency to spread lies and rumors which made me and my father unwelcome. a few years ago, the ranch became public property which is something im grateful for, but its weird to go back and visit, and i live nowhere near there anymore.

i basically went no-contact with my mother two years ago when she used my grandfather's death against me in a really terrible way. that was my grandfather who ranched. i long to be back in central texas. i feel so at home there. but im trans and unless i get one of a few very specific jobs (probably in austin) i wont go back and that breaks my fucking heart. my mother still texts me sometimes, and i havent blocked her because ive been informed of major family news from her even though i cant respond. she bought some land a few months ago and is building on the property and is going to move back to texas. she sent me update photos of the land tonight as well as a story about a beautiful coyote skeleton picked clean by buzzards on the property. i was the family member who collected bones from the ranch. i genuinely burst into tears when i saw the photos.

and then she followed up by talking about how she intends to build a small ranch house and a small guest house for friends and family to feel welcome and visit. and i just can't stop crying. that's all i've ever wanted. my grandparents had several ranches, but sold them. they asked every other person in the family if they'd be willing to take it over and manage it except for me - the one person who had always wanted to do that. but no one asked me and it was at a tumultuous time in my parents marriage so i didnt know until years later and too late. and theres almost no chance in hell i could ever afford property like that unless i inherit. and since all the ranches were sold and my grandparents are dead, i don't think that will ever happen to me. the ranch they lived on was The Ranch in the sense that it had a guest cabin and enough space for family to visit and at holidays there'd be 12-15 of us. i fucking miss that so much and theres no way to get it back and i know that but the fact that my mother is managing to re-create that same thing and i can't be part of it without hurting myself immensely is so sickening to me.

like i feel like im rambling and just sound stupid or ungrateful or something but its like ive been coming to terms with the fact that i'll never have an intact family again and im never going to have access to "home" unless i create one from scratch and i miss living in texas even with the bad parts and i miss the ranch and my family and this woman who has hurt me so fucking much suddenly gets to have this amazing life where she's becoming the new family matriarch and creating a place for everyone to gather and be happy hurts so so so much. im scared i will forgive her. ive cut her off then accepted her back before and it only made things worse. if i know whats good for me i'll stay away. but it's like the thing i've wanted more than anything else in the entire world is being dangled in front of me but if i accept it i might as well kill myself.

[blookmallow]

so i went after benny. walking through caesar's camp was a thoroughly unpleasant experience, i do not care for a single one of them but i didnt want to start shit since i knew there was no way i could fight them all off and i figured if they're gonna be stupid enough to invite me in im gonna take advantage and steal as much information as i can (which... unless im forgetting something i dont think i ever actually got to do anything with any of the info i found?? maybe there's more if you progress further in the ncr plotline than i did i guess)

this is how i feel about legionnaires 💖

god. they have children in here. i truly hate to think what a generation who grew up like this would be like. i dont even know what the solution is here. how to you even approach something like this

i dont know how i was supposed to feel about finding benny like this. it didn't feel vindicating or satisfying to me at all. it just felt kind of pathetic. i know this man tried to kill me multiple times but i just had no desire for revenge. i honestly wanted to let him go but i tried a few times and he just kept getting dead immediately so i went to like. research if its Possible to get him out alive and it seems like even if you're REALLY determined nothing really happens and he just kind of vanishes from the game anyway. seems like he was Supposed to die here one way or another. i decided the machete duel was the most in line with my character - if i cant choose mercy (whether he deserves it or not, doesn't matter) im at least going to make it fair

fighting him with a knife and nothing else felt very. barbaric somehow. i did not like how it made me feel. but i like that it made me feel that, if that makes any sense. i dont know if it was supposed to feel like a victory or revenge but it just kind of felt like "what are we doing here, what is any of this for, why are we fighting like animals" and i feel like that goes... pretty well with the overall vibe/message of this game. war never changes and nobody ever wins, eye for an eye leaves everyone blind, etc, etc

i dont know, something about this whole section felt real heavy to me. i think my courier has some pretty serious trauma over it. i didn't go back to talk to caesar after the fight or anything. i just left. i just wanted to get away from them all

im headcanoning that the legion gave my courier benny's stuff as a like "to the victor go the spoils" type deal since, like, i wasn't just gonna leave it there but it wouldn't really make sense for her to go out of her way to go grab his suit lmao

anyway she kept them but doesn't use them for anything. she has no desire to Display them like trophies but felt the need to keep them anyway. i think probably she still uses his lighter. claims its just useful and she doesn't care where it came from but i think it means Something to her. reminder of the past. i dont know

ANYWAY. that's. that on that

i dont think that counts as a bed

i really dont understand the brotherhood of steel, like, they kinda weird me out and i dont get what their whole deal is but they haven't really done anything ive observed that was like... blatantly Evil or anything. i ultimately chose to just leave them alone bc i dont want them as my enemy and i just didn't see any good reason to kill them all. mr house told me to kill them. the ncr told me to kill them. yes man kinda went oooookay! terrible idea, but you're the boss! when i said i didn't want to. i dont understand what they're trying to do but i don't see why mass murder is necessary here either

i love super mutants though. i love this guy

i love this guy as well. i also feel like i probably shouldn't have supported the great khans, i know they're drug dealers who frequently work with fiends and raiders but like. when i tried to negotiate peacefully they were willing to work with me and i convinced them not to support the legion so i feel like that's a win. i dont know i really just went into most conflict situations in this game from a "how can i resolve this problem with the least amount of unnecessary violence possible" standpoint and was repeatedly quite impressed with the number of times i had that option. new vegas really gives you a lot of different ways to deal with a situation before you have to pull a gun on someone. i have connections all over the mojave, i have a lot of science/medical skill points and can usually find a way to pass a skill check one way or another, you really don't have to kill people all that often if you're willing to pull some strings

i pretty much only directly oppose/kill on sight if it's legion or fiends. both of which have a history of Known Rapists. legion has slaves. fiends mutilate people and leave their bodies hanging outside their camps. i feel like im justified there

i found some aliens??? wake up america

i really appreciate whoever felt the need to update this old sign

people making use of whatever busted up remains of civilization they can find is one of my favorite parts about fallout games i still love the novac thing

the textures on this entire section of ground broke. thanks bethesda

and this. as well

and that robot over there which was awkwardly scooting backwards for a good 30 seconds before it finally got back on track

what is happening here

this was a weird wasteland perk thing but i dont understand it in the slightest

[shaaaaaaar]

god i don’t think loneliness has ever felt as bad as it has this summer.

ive had more intense feelings of loneliness in my life than i feel now, but this sensation of loneliness feels worse. it’s the pain of being given all you could ever want but having it be taken away before you can truly relish in it.

across the past year i’ve built and developed such meaningful connections with people. for the first time irl i had a group of people i was close to that actually shared hobbies with me. people that made me realize just how touch-starved i am and to understand my needs better, people that taught me how to say “i love you” because they showed me how strong platonic love can be. people that loved me for all of me.

i had never been told before that someone loves all of me including my best and my worst. i had never been told thank you after rambling for like an hour about something. ive had genuinely amazing people in my life before, kind and funny and that are cool as hell. but i never had the type of friend group i formed in the past year.

but then i had to graduate. before i was ready to be gone from everyone. and they’re all right on my phone, but it’s not the same because a lot of what made it special was having people that are right there with me. and we still haven’t found our footing online, our little discord server we use still hasn’t found its footing (which if i said i wasn’t part of the problem i’d be a liar), i’m not as connected with people and i’m not doing things with people and i was supposed to be doing more than i am, that’s what i told myself and what i told other people and what other people expect from me.

i’ve stopped trying to plan things online because trying to do so was making me so stressed i was physically ill constsntly, to the point i was literally told to stop for my own sake. so i haven’t done things with people.

i’ve barely seen people outside of school over the summer because i’m already so exhausted from things online, making plans irl makes me so sick i freeze up at the thought of trying. so i’ve seen people twice and one of those two times i was having a breakdown for half of it because i was so scared.

i can’t manage it. nothing has happened.

and i’m pretty sure i’m taking this worse than anyone else is, i feel like i’m living in a nightmare. and i know about self fulfilling prophecies, that’s been something i’m scared of and conscious of too, but i don’t think anyone truly gets just how much i’m losing here because i’ve never had this in my life before. sometimes my inaction is because the fact that i have to take action to begin with makes me feel horrific.

i’ve fought my ass off this summer, fought against this beautiful disaster of the culmination of my mental illness and neurodivergency and my interests and my queerness and everything that makes me atypical making it hard to find my tribe. i’ve kicked and screamed to be able to hold on, hold onto something, one thing with this one fucking group that can stay normal and undamaged and not at total risk.

i don’t want to call out for help anymore because i feel like if i let myself cry i’m only putting things more in jeopardy. i still have but either with the safety and stability of my online friend group, vague because i’m scared to actually say anything, or if i do actually talk about things transparently it’s very sporadic.

today was a breaking point for all of this. where i’m so stressed and so exhausted and so scared that i was this close to removing everyone and running and praying that somehow that’d make things better (despite knowing it’s stupid and counterproductive) purely because i can’t handle this anymore and i don’t know what to do because i feel like i’ve tried everything.

i just want this shit to be fucking over.

i don’t want to be alone anymore.