#Me irl for the last two weeks
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#Me irl for the last two weeks#it feels like my head is going to explode#iwtv fandom#interview with the vampire#istg the moment i start having fic ideas none of my friends will ever hear from me again#and god forbid i start rewatching and learning some of the monologues#i'm going to be insufferable
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#22.9 Kindness
Ran woke up with far less aching than he anticipated. Though what shocked him more was that the long haired FUG was the first one to greet him.
"Oh. Hello." The FUG guy, Bam –as A.A called him– wore a soft smile, but half of his face was still hidden behind his long bangs. Ran didn't know if he wanted to respond to him or not.
"Ran~!" Shibisu cried fake tears, "My cutie~ you made me worried!" Ran grimaced when Shibisu leaped from his seat with two hands outstretched. He was so troublesome, but at least he was good at noticing the line he shouldn't cross, by stopping himself from actually enveloping Ran in an embrace.
Ran gritted his teeth and pushed himself up to sit to get a better look at his surroundings. Seemed like there were only the three of them in the room.
"Mr. Agni said he has healed most of your injuries, and he left you here to rest until you feel better." Bam informed him unprompted. "Khun and Mr. Rak had just left to get lunch at the cafeteria, they should be back soon."
Ran ignored him. He had no intentions to be friendly with this guy. He also noticed that Shibisu was oddly quiet, observing him and Bam. And Ran felt his judging stare pricking his skin and poking his conscience.
Bam glanced at Shibisu, and Shibisu raised an eyebrow. They seemed to have a short telepathic conversation.
"Ah, sorry. I should've introduced myself first. My name's Bam, but you can also call me Viole. I'm Mr– ah, I'm Shibisu's old teammate."
Ran already knew. He had heard about Bam from hushed tales between his allies; about an irregular that took the test with A.A's team and died back on the second floor.
Despite the fact that this person named Bam was long gone, A.A's world seemed to still revolve around him. Like how he couldn't seem to let go of their team that bickered all the time, and how his goal was to take that annoying blonde girl to climb despite his unsubtle hatred toward her.
But the worst of it was how A.A would be so hard on himself to ensure every floor test went perfectly.
And truthfully, Ran had hated this Bam ever since, for making A.A live like that.
"Are you thirsty, Ran? You haven't spoken in a bit." Shibisu pulled Ran out of his thoughts.
Ran cleared his throat at the mention. And Shibisu was right; his throat actually felt so dry that he wanted to talk even less. Too troublesome.
"Ah, right. Uhm…here." Bam picked up and offered him a glass of water, along with a pill in a small container. "Mr. Agni told us to give this to you, he said it could help relieve some pain."
Ran was skeptical about taking the pill, so he only accepted the water. He watched Bam place the container back on the table, silently glad that neither of them forced him to take it.
Bam was being really thoughtful so far. Maybe he'd consider giving Bam a chance to justify himself. To prove that he could be forgiven for hurting A.A in such a way.
"...Ran." Ran mumbled, "My name's Ran."
Bam beamed and Ran had to mentally squint from the sudden rays of sunlight, "It's nice to meet you, Mr. Ran! If you need anything else, just tell me. I'll do my best to assist you."
Ah, troublesome. Ran immediately regretted his decision.
However, now he understood why A.A had been so devoted. A.A was weak to kindness, because Ran knew they both grew up without it. And as far as Ran knew, A.A had always chased after something hard to attain, one of a kind. Whether it was jewelry, weapons, authority,...even people. And Bam fit the criteria too well.
The automatic door opened and revealed A.A. Their eyes inevitably locked and A.A's disappointment was clear to Ran.
Think of the devil…Ran felt his annoyance bar rapidly rising.
"What did I tell you?" A.A navigated his way to them, not once breaking his glare. "Only consume redan when it's absolutely necessary."
Ran was taking none of it. "Hmph!" He had lots of fun with the spar, so he wouldn't say he regretted it.
A moment passed with A.A still staring daggers into him. It almost made Ran feel bad. Almost. In the end, A.A sighed and let it slide. "Suit yourself."
A.A brought three plates filled with an assortment of food. Though Ran figured that none of them were for him. Ran's stomach rumbled defiantly when the smell reached his nose.
Instead of being teased, Ran was taken aback when Bam offered him his yet untouched food. "You can have this, Mr. Ran."
Ran didn't know how to react to that, feeling a little uncomfortable. He felt like it would be wrong to refuse, but he didn't want it. He looked at A.A instead, hoping that he'd get the hint.
A.A noticed this and said, "You don't have to be nice to him, Bam."
"Hm? Why?"
Unfortunately A.A didn't say a better explanation other than, "Because that's how it is with him."
Shibisu slung his arms around Bam's neck. "What Khun meant is…Ran appreciates your thoughtfulness, but I think he would rather get his own food than take yours because he doesn't want to bother you. Right?"
Isu winked at Ran, and Ran rolled his eyes. That was not exactly true, but it was a softer way to put it. "As he said."
"Ah," Bam retracted his offering hands, "I see."
Ran wasted no time and swung his feet off the bed, glad to find that they weren't hurting as much.
Bam had leaped from his seat as well, ready to catch Ran with his free hand if Ran didn't make it to stand. However it only made Ran much more eager to leave the room and get away from Bam.
Getting nice gestures from someone else he barely knew usually means they have ulterior motives, and he was so tired of being treated that way.
Bam might have meant well, seeing how much A.A trusted Bam. But Ran just hadn't gotten used to receiving kindness.
"Well then," Ran went for the door and it automatically opened for him. He didn't bother to look back to check if they followed him out. "I'll go and get some food."
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#If Grace has Khun. then Bam has Ran. hahah#Idk if it's canon or not but I love the idea that Ran really looks up to Khun. even if he didn't show it outwardly bc he's such a tsundere#The reason I realize/remember that Ran has his hair tied in a ponytail is bc someone pointed it out that it matched with Khun S2 hairstyle#anyway. there is a big update coming up. It took me 3 weeks to finish drawing it out. which means i'm currently low on draft.#I barely had time to write with irl work being really tough last month. So I decided that I will take another hiatus to plan things out.#maybe from November and back after new year#tower of god#tog#two sides of the same coin fic#my fic#the 25th baam#the 25th bam#jue viole grace#koon#khun a.a#khun aguero agnis#khunbam#koonbaam#bamxkhun#shibisu#ship leesoo#khun ran
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*gives you one singular smooch before disappearing into thin air*
-😎
#Anonymous#😎 anon timeline#i didnt think something this dumb would make me cry irl lol#i think these last two weeks will be a core part of my memory forever /pos#it's been fun
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while im here. take my stupid dog son and also sebeks there too this time. i think i decided he is in fact a first year in pomefiore and ALSO on the track team w/jack and juice. let him run. set him free. ok bye
#twst oc#oc: fidel#ocs#cereal tries to draw#i think i scribbled this right after i drew him the first time#i wasnt gonna post it but what the hell ever this is my house#ive been playing with markers irl more lately it's fun#doin doodles and hiding lol#i did update my artfight with scorpius finally last night i think#but i still gotta add his lore later. i just need to add flannery#i could add dogboy for funsies i suppose#i made myself log out of tumblr for like a week a lil while ago#and now im just sporadically popping in to lurk or make a post or two and then run away#bc i keep getting really anxious about god knows what lol im stressin myself out#however the booping tethered me im glad i checked in last night#to see the start of the boopening bc id be bummed if i missed that#anyway im doin some type of soul searching i just dunno what it is im lookin for#anyway x2 um hits you with my paws i guess. look at my son. ok good bye bonk bonk bonk bonk
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I’m trying really hard not to be bitter about what’s going on here.
Trust me I am.
But- the amount of dismissive shit I’ve seen and the amount of like- hypocrisy is really frustrating.
I’m not gonna go into too much detail but I’ve had shit similar happen to me semi recently and it resulted in cutting close friendships and people dismissing me fully about what happened to me, especially on the more intimate and financial side of stuff. And its… really fucking disheartening seeing the same thing happen with this.
There’s a point where you have to realize that you can’t dismiss or excuse the action’s of someone else- especially if it involves abuse like this. I’ve only realized it when my beloved got involved and that made me break everything off.
I’m so fucking proud of Shubble for speaking out, I know how terrifying it is especially when it’s someone who has people who like them to a big degree.
You can’t say “we support all victims!” When you dismiss or even insult someone’s claims that involve someone you admire or even look up to.
You can be cautious, sure. You can be wary and be unsure. But do not be a fucking dick and a weirdo about it. You’re part of the god damn problem if you are.
#I’m sorry if the wording is off#I’m really fucking tired the last two weeks have been horrible for me irl#I’m sorry for bringing the mood down I just need to say my piece on the matter#again this just hits really close to home for me and I feel like I’m reliving some shit from the amount of people trying to dismiss this#cala rambles#negative
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happy two year anniversary to the very beginning of my descent into madness (the day i added my hockey guy on social media) (it all went downhill from there)
#i love talking in parentheses guys it’s so fun#anyway after that he put me on my deep obsessive stranger things phase. and after that we did the play together. and after that#i watched the hunger games movies because he gave me the flu after tech week. and after that i was sending him videos from an airbnb in#albuquerque nm at one in the morning. and at some point along the way i was squished out badly (vwoop was there) (don’t look at my sideblog#and after that he put me on various new music and then left to california with my best friend for two weeks and i was so alone.#and after that we didn’t talk much for most of last summer until suddenly we went anc saw the barbie movie together. and after that#he called me on the phone various times (he’s one of only two people i dna stand talking to on the phone)#and then he befriended one of my teammates over the socials and then i went to some of his hockey games and then#deep breath. guys im running out of things to say. can you tell im so fucking insane about my best friends irl.#and then he’s gone to my birthdays the past two years in a row even though he can’t drive and it’s inconvenient for him. and then we’re#going to a concert next week (he’s taking me)#rowe rambles#JESUS CHRIST shut up rowe
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TBH the best case scenarios in my mind for Fit's lore ending on Thursday are either:
Madagio has mercy. They know what it's like to lose everyone they love, and seeing what's happening on Quesadilla Island is just a reminder of everything they loved and lost. Madagio releases Fit, and he reunites with Pac e Mike and Richarlyson, and they're all able to leave Quesadilla Island.
Or:
Madagio and Fit destroy the Federation together. Fit goes full 2B2T mode and there's nothing left of the Federation once they're finished. Madagio and Fit finally have their revenge. (And then maybe Fit can reunite with Pac + all his loved ones and they escape the Island, or reclaim the island for their own since the Federation no longer has any power over them).
Bonus: A very unlikely but "Wouldn't it be fun?" scenario would be Pac and Mike flying down on a fully-grown dragon Richas and rescuing Fit from Vacuus Island and they fly away and live happily ever after.
#i talk#qsmp talk#Genuinely need a vacation after the past two weeks (or however long it's been)#I keep seeing people say ''the best case scenario is Fit dying lol'' and I clearly care WAY too much because seeing that made me legit mad#Did my whole ''lmao ok let's calm down and take a walk'' and went out for a few hours only to come back and be like#''no actually I'm still mad. This entire situation sucks.''#I think this will probably be the last mcyt type series I let myself get invested in. I'm so exhausted of being disappointed#and the constant angst the fandom churns out#I wanna be able to love things without getting burned#I've got enough things to be sad over irl I don't want my escapism series making me sad too#Worst case scenario for me is Fit dying or him getting trapped in 2b2t again#and/or him saying q!Pac is dead#I'll be honest: CCs killing off their character feels like a betrayal to the people who have spent so much time loving them#and like yeah there probably ARE ways to do it well#but it's like. why would you choose that option there are so many better options#negative#idk man I'm just frustrated by this whole thing#all the untagged suicide jokes are making me frustrated too
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this is hell
#anti taylor swift#have a student who wants to plah a taylor swift song and its stuck in my head#i didnt even know the song before last week when i first started teaching her#god...like im seriously not trying to be a hater but damn. its literally. 2 chords guys. okay 4. but two of those are just substitutes#of the other two with the same harmonic function of sundominant-tonic. god.#even she was like wow its literally just these two chords#and i was like yea :) <-dying inside. its so bad guys#and before anyone is like OOH WHYA RE YOU SHITTING ON THIS POOR WOMAN'S TASTES#YOUR HER TEACHER DEAL WITH IT. i do.#i do deal with it#but it takes a massive toll on me#literally just ranting on my personal tumblr. irl i know how tobehave professionally okay fear not
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#Seven's Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#can i go more than a fucking week without having my cptsd triggered again? pLEASE???#me and my haywire nervous system can't ever catch a fucking break i swear to god#at least i managed to get the Matt fic posted before that happened and ruined my night#literally three minutes after i hit post. something has to happen IRL and ruin my slight good mood. sigh. anyways#my chest still feels tight but my focus is coming back i think. lets hope the rest of the night is uneventful#anyways. uh. positives. got the Matt fic posted on here And Ao3! yay. after working on it the last two evenings it's officially done#i know i put way too much effort into my fics especially ones that will get very little readership but eh i can't help it#time spent doing something you enjoy is never time wasted or however the saying goes#uh oh. the stress injury in my neck is starting to feel tight again. that's probably not a great sign#i should try to relax. been sitting at my desk too much recently and my back's mad abt it too#i would unwind with some Genshin exploration grinding or smthn but that's just more desk sitting time#so hm. animal crossing in bed it is then#watch me say that then spend the next 3 hours on tumblr#i cant help it i want to update my pinned posts and fill my queue up some more#and i have some drafts to work on... still need to finish that Sun & Moon appearance guide for ES#maybe i'll pull an all-nighter. i need to fix my sleep schedule again. like badly. but then i risk a migraine. aaggghhhhhh#anyways this has been Venting and Bad Decision Making 101 thabks for coming to my TED talk#oh hey look at that i got a like on the Matt fic. mood slightly improved. thank u whoever u r <3
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Day 1 - Prongsfoot Week 2023
massive thanks to the lovely Jen for organising another wonderful event for us!!! you're the best <3
What are the first 5 things that pop to mind when you think about Prongsfoot?
oooh okay, okay, not as easy as u think, this one. because the only thing that pops into mind when i think about pf is like. cacophonous screaming. incoherence. a teenage fangirl running around a room, arms waving madly, mind lost in the obsession. im uh. a bit unhinged for j&s, if u couldnt tell so far lol. but i'll try.
soulmates. in every world, they're connected to each other and they'll find each other. it's a comforting thought precisely because of how tragic canon j/s is.
unattainable. both of individually, and together, are so far out of most people's leagues its not even funny. they're an intimidatingly attractive couple, and they're almost always in the middle of an inside joke that no one else understands. their friendship is inherently exclusionary and it doesnt bother them at all
affectionate beyond belief. gosh they're a public menace. in any decent society, they'd get locked up for obscenity and 'offending sensibilities' and 'outraging the modesty of people' etc etc bc theyre SO all over each other all the time. its a problem.
jigsaw puzzle. they fit like one, filling in each other's cracks perfectly. at any given time, they're what the other needs, and both consciously and subconsciously at that. seeing them together is a treat bc they're so in sync its almost unreal. even...magical, one could say ;)
larger than life. they're not. a real couple ykno? its not a relationship you'd want in reality, nor does it make sense for that to happen. it's fantastical and amazing and not constrained by practical concerns. u dont have to worry yourself with minor issues bc these two are just. *that* intertwined. i dont know how to explain this one properly haha but just know, they're not a relatable couple nor do they try to be.
#sirius black#james potter#prongsfoot#bambibelle#prongsfootweek2023#i have been. so bad with tumblr and fic and writing these days#i dont even know if i'll be able to do this entire week but by god ill try#someone needs to teach me time management lol#but honestly. any excuse to talk about my two boys is welcome#also: the obscenity thing is mostly a joke#i just find it v funny that outraging the modesty of a woman is an actual legal concept that can get u locked up/fined wtv#like. its the funniest most absurd way to frame harassment/assault/sexual misconduct#also blanked tf out on n. 5 lol like what else do i say bruh#the last point is why im so picky ab my pf#bc the minute u write it like a real life couple im just like eh. not my cup of tea#my fav part of it is how u dont have to worry ab irl concerns w them bc theyre above it all#idk. its just. nice.
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I just need you to know I was reading your tags on the Sillinger/Fantilli Deadpool/Wolverine gifset going "YES THE EYE CONTACT! AND COLE'S WHOLE FACE JOURNEY! AND *OH MY GOD* ADAM'S HAND ALMOST BUT NOT GRIPPING AT COLE'S BICEP" like that near grip Adam took had me fainting like a fucking Victorian era man who saw a woman's bare ankles like W.H.A.T.
I neeeeed to write them omg.
ANON. ANON!!!! please. write them!!!!! and send me a link if/when you do 😇 i’ll prepare my fainting couch (the floor)
#shout out to the columbus blues org for last year deciding they were going to pair up adam and cole for all their nhl (???) playoff media#we really. i still have the world’s worst powerpoint presented by adam and cole in my drafts somewhere and i can’t post it#bc i wanted to make a fake PowerPoint to put on the screen as a joke & it was funny but i didn’t write it down before I went to bed so :/#liv in the replies#also like. what was up w/that nhl?? why them 😭 not complaining just so confused. adam hype wasn’t at its peak NOR was tate mcrae revenge#so they really were like. Hmmm. I like these two little freaks. this one is well-trained. let’s use him#like do you ever think about the blessing that the UMich social girlies bestow on nhl media teams by training all of these men so well.#they do not skip a SINGLE question they will be bullied into it they will give you an answer even if it’s stupid god bless.#adam fantilli#cole sillinger#columbus blue jackets#i REFUSE to admit defeat at the hands of the umich boys#worm. worm. WORM!!!#as we all know i don’t have the slightest idea who cole sillinger is irl but i DO want him to be involved with his teammates.#love thy goalie love thy stunning star prospect… OHHHHH NARRATIVE UNLOCKED OH NOOOOO COLE KNOWS HE’S NOT THAT GOOD SO HE TAKES CARE OF#EVERYONE ELSEEEEEE OH NOOOOOO this message brought to you a) by my elvis merzlikins agenda at all time so that whole sentence but b) by me#mid-realization trying to be like Cole’s not like. bad right you can’t say this but then remembering everyone pulling out his stats to do#him dirty while the whole tate mcrae breakup/release of details was going down and i was like oh actually. like he could be. ALSO on that#note which was so messy i do have to say that news was a shock bc i knew cole sillinger from years prior when everyone held him up like a#bug they pulled from under a rock like who is THIS after he sat front row at fashion week to support his gf so. the threads of this ALSO#come from the initial vision of ‘damn isn’t this a nice one?? a nice hockey??? like lmfaoooo you guys he’s the wag and loves it’) but. this#is also my failing as a storyteller that I love this and will put it in everything but. service kink accommodating for others to give what#he thinks he can’t to allow them to be better. also just. i watched him clean adam fantilli’s floors you can’t go up from that. ANYWAY
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#i need to let it go bc i know this sits with me and not them#but two of my best friends have not been in touch with me#asking how i’m doing etc since last week#i know one of them at least saw my post abt liam on ig#but the news about his passing has been all over the news so i imagine it would be hard to miss for anyone#and they are not fandom friends. all my fandom friends (irl and online) have been in touch#bc they understand#but it kinda hurts that they don’t seem to know how much this would affect me#or maybe they just don’t know what to say - but it still sorta hurts#and it’s such a small thing amidst all this#but i wanted to write it out so maybe i can let it go#i’m not angry - there could be a billion reasons#but here i am with these emotions so#it also makes me so forever grateful for this community and the comfort i find here ❤️
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how is everyone complaining about january being too long. brother I am fighting for my life trying to comprehend that it’s february already.
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i just don’t understand. why say ur ready to talk if you aren’t?
can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit
#vaugepostimg on main about an irl don’t mind me#i just. am feeling sad bcus i have been trying to keep my distance and respect the space they said they needed. and then they reached out to#me for their book club and said we should chat and i got excited! i miss my friend of course i got excited#still let them take the lead. i want them to be comfortable. they said they’d lmk what day they were free#and then proceeded to ghost me for like. almost two weeks??#(it was 10 days but !!! still!!! almost 2 weeks from them suggesting i come to book club which would’ve inherently necessitated an irl talk#and then after all that yesterday said they actually weren’t ready which. hurted#tbf i knew something was up after like 2 days of them not replying so it’s not like i was fully caught off guard it just really hurt#and like i feel weird bcus our social circles are really overlapped and i spent a lot of time with them last winter and i had thought#that would happen again this winter. we would swim together a lot and i consistently went to their house dinners#bcus if i care about you i show up! and i’m understanding ! bcus i am patient and kind person and as a triple taurus i’m not tryna rush ever#especially when it comes to people’s emotions ??? especially if someone has told me i hurt them???? like ik im an autistic lesbian but#despite popular conceptions on that particular identity. im not fucking evil ????? if you ask for space i will give you space !!!!!#and like when it comes to emotions and conflict i’m blunt but i’m caring and it takes a lot for me to be disinfranchised by people#or relationships. so i’m not saying i don’t want to still be her friend#i’m just. noticing behaviors#they did tell me that they were very avoidant in conflict and i told them i’m very much not and like. now that i’m on the receiving end of i#idk what to do!! i’m not gonna chase her down like they’re grown!! and again!!! if you ask for space i’m going to respect that!!!#and like honestly. i’m happy she at least gave me the curtesy of saying they weren’t ready to talk even if it took her mad long to do it#so like. who tf knows when we’ll talk. if ever. probably when she wants the validation of our friendship if it even happens at all#bcus again. she reached out not to reconnect and clear the air but to check if i still wanted to come to her club she was starting#ik in earlier conversations she was worried no one would come but ig she found people. which like good for her tbh but to be honest i feel#discarded?? i’m feeling like i’m failing to not project too much so i gotta stop but idk man i’m just feeling weird about it all#and then i had the thought today of like. is this what i want in a friendship? someone who goes back and forth abt whether or not i’m worth#which again. kinda wasn’t expecting that bcus we spent so much time together last autumn/winter/spring like. many times per week!!!#so the idea of not being her friend all of a sudden?? feels fucjing weird to think about#but like? i don’t want to feel this way this is what i hate about west coast/white people conflict resolution!! there fucking isn’t any!!!#and i can’t deal with that! i can’t spend my life with people who aren’t going to engage with me as a person who cares about them#humans are fallible creatures and were only here on earth for so long so why are we wasting time here? what is the point of all this ???????#but then the guilt and shame say i deserve it all and at that point i just need to stop so. i’m gonna stop now lol
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#been stuck in bed for the last 5 days#tried to go outside today#went to a bakery nearby and fell in the middle of the street while crossing it#some people mainy kids going back from school got concerned#they all asked me if im okay#i got up was okay and went back home#and then proceeded to sob because thats the first time in months somebody irl near me cared#my body is aching from the fall#still#and i just realised iv been so exhausted mentally and physically and burnt out i cant function anymore#i thought i would be fine that im just being lazy with the staying in bed#but after my last job fucked me over i think that was the last of any energy i had#honestly ive been crying at least once a day for the last two weeks#usually twice or more times tbh#been crying all day today#i think im just a shell of a human at this point#ive been struggling for the most basic shit in the last 6 months#couldnt find housing still struggling with a job#cant even find a single friend#i keep trying with everything#but its not working#and im beyond exhausted#this new job better treat me like a human and pay me because i dont know if i can take another one of those on#like im unable to do anything make meals take showers you name it#i am absolutely shell of a human#i just want to feel like im able pay for my survival thats all#personal
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Getting that laundry done! (<- is severely out of breath and faer heart is beating out of its chest)
#fae irl#my partner carried the basket down the stairs for me but i am still winded just from going up those stairs lolol#we are on the third floor and the laundry room is on the first and we have the thinnest shittiest little stairways 😔#and also because of my three hours of manic cleaning and organizing yesterday my right calf had been sore and threatening to charlie on me#like all day today#oops#at least things are clean and organized tho!!!#and soon my laundry will be as well 😌#now heres to hoping my blind ass doesnt manage to wipe out on those shitty stairs breaking through the worlds crappiest railing#man. really wish we were on the first floor.#i hate hate hate these stairs#i am literally legally blind man and these stairs suck so so so bad 😭#dunno how i managed not to wipe out on them back during my two weeks of feverish laundry washing last year
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