#i didnt even know the song before last week when i first started teaching her

[claratyler]

this is hell

[liberolove]

Soft Tsukki

A/N: I feel like tsukki wouldn’t be the way that most people portray him as. in my opinion, he’d be a soft boi, just waiting for the right person to come by and show him how to open up. (btw this takes place the 1st year of college)

Before Dating

tsukki would definitely be a smart cookie, scoring some of the highest grades in his classes

and that’s just one of the many things that attracts you to him

you also find it interesting how he always seems to be in his own little world, constantly having headphones on

youve noticed that he likes sitting in the back of the lecture hall, never asking questions

its like he already knows everything

you’d be curious about where he goes after class is over, so one day you lowkey follow him just to see what his routine looks like

but this sneaky motherfucker is not dumb, and you’re not the best at following from a distance

this man would legit turn around and walk up to you, straight up asking you, “what do you think you’re doing?”

his calm demeanor would catch you so off guard that all you can say is “ummm... uhhh.. you see... what had happened was..”

tsukki would scoff and walk away, thinking, “what the hell is wrong with her?”

after that, you’d be deadass scared of this man. but it would also make you so much more attracted to him

you decide to never try that again

~~~~~~~

later on in the semester, you find yourself studying in the library, but you realize youre having trouble with the material

and guess who sits across from you at the next table?

you look up and you see that he’s already staring at you, making you blush like crazy

next thing you know he moves his stuff and sits at your table, and asks, “are you having trouble with our class?”

your mind is racing a million miles an hour that you can only squeak out a barely audible “yeah..”

you’ve now unlocked study partner tsukki

this man has all the patience in the world and answers all of your questions in a way that helps you understand everything easily

you realize its 10pm already and almost everyone has left the library already, except you two

“hey, it’s late. thank you so much for all the help! i hope i didn’t use up too much of your time..”

“no problem. and nah you didn’t. teaching people is the way i study, so you’re helping me too. and uh, if you need any more help, just let me know. here’s my phone number..”

tell me why this smooth fucker would already have his phone number written down on a piece of paper

he’d pull it out like a goddamn business card

you’d hold out your hand to grab it from him and you feel his calloused hands and it makes you  s h i v e r

you just touched him omg

after this first study session, you two study together for the rest of the semester

both yours and tsukki’s grades improve immensely

he starts getting 100%’s and you get 85%’s

yall are doing great

~~~~~~~

finals week comes in so fast and suddenly the feeling of dread makes its way into your mind

you didn’t think about this before but this may be one of the last times you get to be with him.. you won’t have an excuse to be near him anymore

it’s 3 days before your class’s final exam and you try to bring it up. in a shitty fashion, but you do it nonetheless

“hey, tsukishima.. uh so you know how class will be ending soon? i just wanna know.. what’s gonna happen?”

“what do you mean? we’re gonna take the exam and pass. and then we’ll be on to the next semester.”

“ugh, i know that. i meant.. what’s gonna happen with us?”

this man turns around so fast so that you don’t notice the way his cheeks have turned bright red

“we won’t have to study anymore for this? i don’t understand your question.” he says, but he knows exactly what you’re trying to say. he’s only playing dumb to get you to say it out loud. poor tsukki would never say it himself.

“i’m trying to say, uh, will i still see you? tsukishima,.. i really like spending time with you..”

my mans would literally mumble “me too” under his breath because he can’t believe it either

thank god you have sharp ears or else you wouldnt have heard it

“do you really?! can we hang out sometime? something not school related?”

tsukki wouldn’t even be able to speak because he’s so flabbergasted that you basically asked him out

“why aren’t you answering? you’re making me nervous..”

he’d still be tongue tied so all he would do is nod yes, and smile shyly

~~~~~~~

once finals are over, you two start texting each other in an effort to get to know each other on a deeper level

you figure out that this man is your musical soulmate

you both listen to all the same bands and love the same songs

its crazy how compatible you two are

you’re so antsy over seeing him in a different light that you text him first

“so.. when do you wanna go out? and what do you want to do?”

“whatever you want.”

“wanna go grab some frozen yogurt and go feed the ducks some seeds?”

“sure.”

“how’s tomorrow around noon sound?”

“it’s a date.” 

tsukki at this point is internally SCREAMING because he can’t believe he just said that

you, on the other hand, you just stopped responding

you cant believe that its finally happening and that you didnt have to ask if it was a date

however, you weren’t 100% sure because he could have been kidding? oh well, you’ll find out on the day of the “date”

First Date

he’d come over to your place so you could walk together to the frozen yogurt shop

you’d get some vanilla, with mango yogurt and add in some oreos and gummy worms.

tsukki would see you get your order and make some snide remark like, “wow i didn’t know you were so basic”

you’d just roll your eyes and look at him get what he wants, and this man would literally just get vanilla and add chocolate syrup

“well, at least i’m not as basic as you”

he wouldn’t even have a comeback for that

you’re BOTH basic bitches, but that’s just another reason why you two work so well together

you’re about to buy your yogurt when he slips between you and the cashier and PAYS for yours too

he doesn’t even ask you, he’s already paid for you

you thank him and he says “it wasn’t even that much, since you’re so plain”

salty tsukki has come out to play today lol

you two make your way to the park and you take out the bird seed from your bag so you can feed the ducks

you sit down in front of the lake (or pond or whatever) and start feeding the cuties

all tsukki can do is stare at you and how beautiful you look doing something so mundane

you feel his eyes glaring into your soul and all you can do is try your hardest not to look at him

“hey, i never asked, but what’s your major?” he asks

“im a biology major, and you?”

“well that makes sense since you like being around ducks like this.” he chuckles to himself. “i’m a music major.”

“huh, i never would have figured that out.. what with your headphones always plugged in”

“yeah, i hope to become a producer one day.”

“i hope you make it” you smile at him and this makes tsukki’s heart EXPLODE

you stop feeding the ducks and lay down, staring at the clouds

there are always breaks in your conversation, but it isn’t awkward or anything. it’s comfortable, and tsukki appreciates it, although he’ll never admit it. he hates admitting anything

he lays down next to you, and your hand slowly starts to inch towards his, and he’s doing the same.

the moment both your fingertips meet, you feel an electric shock

he apologizes but then continues to interlock your fingers 

“is this okay?” he asks

“mhhm. it feels... nice.”

“good”

tsukki smiles to himself and starts daydreaming about how he’s going to ask to kiss you next

[writebecauseyoucannotbreathe]

Ultimate Ship Meme: Azulaang

Rate the Ship -  

Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - Until I say so. I can see them being together after death as spirits.

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - Ooooh boy. Azula struggles to understand friendship. I think she'd fall in love fast and hard but take the longest to realize. Aang wouldn't let himself get attached at first because Azula is unapologetic and one of the things I like about Azulaang is how it would push Aang to deals with the nitty gritty gray, not in a The Fire Nation was right all along way but in how even Kyoshi and Roku's conflict resolution let to disagreements. I think it would take Aang longer to fall in but once they reach a semblance of common ground he'd be well aware he's falling in love and would enjoy the ride.

How was their first kiss? - Let's see my fanfics. In Blue it was awkward. In Weightless it was sweet. In Smut it was horny and hate filled. In canon I think their first kiss would be very passionate and then they snap back to reality and Aang would evade while Azula denies so they wouldn't talk about it but they'd for sure be thinking about the kiss.

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Technically Azula. As soon as Aang hears about a Fire Nation wedding, either his friends or he learns about Ozai and Ursa's wedding, his mind would be set on a wedding. He wouldn't say anything but he'd squirrel away relevant wedding information like he'd hear a song and go "I want that instrument to play at my wedding." But Azula would have her life planned out by other people and there'd be a set date where Ozai now Zuko are supposed to comb through suitor requests (it was probably Ursa's role. If she's there she'd talk to Azula directly instead of Lo and Li. I don't think Lo and Li are high enough rank to determine the suitor but I think it would be customary/expected for their input to be asked). Azula would tell Aang something along the lines of "I should be wed." and he'd agree and then Azula will spend an abnormally long time wondering if he married her because he liked her or because it's his duty until she asks him while he's discussing potential baby room colors pre wedding.

Who is the best man/men? - Sokka and Toph. Azula was going to pick Momo but he made a better flower girl. Yes she did this to annoy Zuko (and because Toph didnt want to wear the bridesmaid outfit) it's okay though Fire Lord Zuko was the guest of honor.

Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - Katara, Suki, Mai, Ty Lee. Mai pretends she hates the outfit but she's secretly pleased.

Who did the most planning? - Aang did the most thinking but Azula did the most planning.

Who stressed the most? - Externally Aang. Internally Azula.

How fancy was the ceremony? -

Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

100% Azula's fault. Aang has no clue what Fire Nation weddings are supposed to be like.

Aang: Wow I can't believe all weddings in your Nation are this big.

Azula: They're not. It's because I'm Royalty and you're the Avatar.

Though I hc that Aang wants to get married in all the different Nations and Azula secretly wants to experience a small wedding so they get married 3 more times with one of them being a very small Air Nation wedding.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - Hmmm I'm not sure. On one hand, Ozai redemption. On the other hand, Ozai death.

Sex:

Who is on top? - Aang. Azula thinks she wants to be on top but she'd rather be pampered and Aang is more comfortable communicating and attending to needs. Aang has no strong preference either way and they do switch but this is their usual dynamic.

Who is the one to instigate things? - Azula but she denies it.

How healthy is their sex life? -

Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

I think it's up to the reader's preference but I can see them being very private (Azula) and naturally talented (Aang) to the point where they assume every couple has sex daily. Hc that Aang and Suki talk about sex freely (ex: When I do __ should I __ or do girls prefer ___? I can never tell with Azula. Why do guys do ___ after ____ ? I've tried asking Sokka but he doesn't give me a straight answer.) Much to the fear of Sokka and Azula.

How kinky are they? -

Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

Again up to the reader. They both like learning new things and are prodigies so I think they'd end up reading about things to try in bed (Azula) and would try things out to see what they like (Aang) until they learn what they and each other generally like/dislike.

How long do they normally last? - 

Does the Avatar State remove your refractory period? >;3c

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - No. Aang likes overstimulating.

How rough are they in bed? -

Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

Neither can dirty talk. Azula is rougher. Aang likes to take it slow. She sets the pace in the beginning but he decides when it ends.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? -

No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Azula refuses to cuddle in public but in return they cuddle all night.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - hc them having twin boys at first with one firebender and one airbender because poetry. But Azula really wants a girl so they have a third child she is an airbender with Aang's charm and knack for getting in trouble and Azula's ruthlessness. Amon kidnaps her and instead of easily escaping (Aang's genes) she instead viciously mocks him the way only a preteen can (Azula's genes.) It's traumatic enough for Amon even before the parents show up. Then Aang wants another one and Azula wants another firebender so they do the do and surprise triplets! (maybe it has to do with ejaculatimg in the Avatar State lol) So 6 in total and lets say its 3 boys 3 girls with 3 airbenders 3 firebenders.

How many children will they adopt? - None. Azula is wary of motherhood and I know people like to hc Aang as adopting and while I can see him acting as a father figure to several kids I think he'd greatly prefer biological kids especially airbenders. It's a flaw that was barely touched upon and def not handled well in Legend of Korra.

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - Servants or Aang. After a kid or two Azula would be comfortable enough to change the diapers but it would still be mostly Aang.

Who is the stricter parent? - Depends on the kid. Aang is more lenient with airbenders and Azula with firebenders or girls. I can see Azula being strict with training & studies but not with sharing whereas Aang would have less rules but they'd be more heavily enforced (ex: no airgliding without supervision until you've mastered the safety course)

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Azula. She's pretty lenient with the term dangerous esp. when it comes to firebending as long as basic safety measures are applied (ex: you can pracrice lightning as long as it's not pointed towards yourself aka dont be Zuzu) but Aang is of the mindset "How are you gonna learn airbending without dangerous stunts?" And after the first few incidents she started stepping in.

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Azula but Aang cooks them.

Who is the more loved parent? - Appa

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? Azula. When Aang attends the teachers shower him and his kids with compliments ("You're doing so well teaching your kids the values of the Air Nomads. It must be so hard being The Last Airbender"). They do the same with Azula but unlike Aang she sees through it and manages to get an accurate assessment of how their kids are doing.

Who cried the most at graduation? - Aang was more happy than sad. Azula cried before and after.

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - Aang. He is a notorious lawbreaker. Azula would bail the kids and she could do so quicker than Aang in a few cases because of her connections but she'd be mad so their kids would rather call Aang or break themselves out.

Cooking: 

Who does the most cooking? - Tied. Aang at first but then Azula wants to learn and after Aang teaches her since she has less experience she finds more enjoyment in cooking.

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - 

Technically Aang since he's a vegetarian. Azula hasn't tried as many foods and she's used to not making a fuss at the family dinner table to the point of which Aang notices.

Who does the grocery shopping? - Both. Aang has a better eye for vegetables/fruits and Azula is better with prices (it's not about the cost it's about the value).

How often do they bake desserts? - Aang bakes them when he can/weekly. They're fruit based so if Azula doesn't want dessert he gives it to Momo or flings it at a target.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - Gee I wonder. Aang eats salad Azula eats meat.

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Aang but Azula tends to figures it out. Azula is more likely to plan a dinner but she wouldn't make it a surprise.

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Aang but Azula is a close second. It would be a tie if it wasn't for the bathhouse.

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - Accidentally? Aang. On purpose? Azula.

Who cleans the room? - Servants or Aang.

Chores: 

Who is really against chores? - Azula hates cleaning up but she's neater.

Who cleans up after the pets? - Aang.

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Aang.

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Azula.

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Aang.

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Azula. In the Fire Nation Palace Aang has taken to chatting with Azula in the Royal Spa while he feeds her (and mostly himself) cherries.

Misc:

Who takes the dog Appa out for a walk? - Aang

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - Never. Once they like the room they like the room. If its an event they'll go to a different location for it or leave the Air Temple as is.

What are their goals for the relationship? -

To stay together.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? -

Aang slept for a hundred years so I'll give it to him.

Who plays the most pranks? - Tie. They've both pulled elaborate pranks as kids.

[muwur]

hello can I request tendou, kogane, ushijima, and lev reacting to their s/o who really liked painting on their hands, like some kind of pattern or fruits 👉👈

painted hands

♡ drabbles ♡ for ushijima, tendou, koganegawa & lev

❧ gn reader

✎ 1.6k words

a/n: hello lov, ty for the request! sry it took so long to dish it out ;c i made them into short drabbles/scenarios rather than hc’s, ik u didnt specify but hope thats oki!

have a wonderful day! <3

requests: open

ushijima

Ushijima woke up to sunlight peeking through the crack of the blinds. He sat up and stretched his arms upwards, blinking away lingering remnants of sleep from his eyes. The side of your bed was empty; only crumpled sheets and a pillow still marked by the indent of your head remained. Curious, he got up, making his way downstairs and into the kitchen, where he found you sitting at the dining table, paintbrush in hand. His eyes softened as he approached you and placed a palm on your shoulder.

“What are you doing?”

The sound of his deep voice coupled with the warmth of his firm hand made you jump in your seat, jostling you from your thoughts. The brush in your hand painted a streak of red across your fist, overlapping another painted strawberry.

“Ushi, don’t sneak up on me!”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

You turned to face him, a slight pout on your lips. Raising your hand, you showed him the many painted strawberries adorning your skin.

“I felt like painting something and eating strawberries, so here,” you explained as your lips curved upward into a small smile. “Luckily, a little water’s enough to get rid of this streak I made here...”

You snatched a table napkin and dipped a corner into your cup of paintwater. Carefully, you dabbed at the red mark, moving upwards to slowly rub it off your skin. Ushijima focused on the intense care and concentration in your gaze, admiring the way your brows furrowed slightly and eyelashes kissed the tops of your cheeks as you blinked.

“There! I’m done,” you grinned as you revealed your completed work. “What do you think?”

He stared at the painted hand you held before him for several seconds before he brought it closer with his own hand and placed a soft kiss to it.

“I like it. It looks nice, like you.”

Embarrassment started to settle in as he lowered your hand from his face, only to be replaced by amused huffs of laughter. Covering your mouth to stifle your giggles, you pointed at Ushijima’s mouth, now peppered with small, faint, red blobs of wet paint.

“Y-You got a little s-something on your face...!” you managed to blurt out despite your chuckles. You snapped a quick picture of his blotched, confused face then continued to type away on your phone before setting it back down on the table.

His brows furrowed in response. “Aren’t you going to show me?”

“Nah. But Tendou will!”

tendou

“You’re sure taking your sweet time.”

You rolled your eyes playfully at his comment, continuing to stroke the paintbrush along the back of his hand.

“Hey, I’m just making sure it looks nice. You’re the one who asked me to do this,” you reminded him.

He smirked through closed eyes, leaning back against the bed frame slowly. “I thought it’d look cute for the upcoming game and I can show it off to my team~ I didn’t realize how long it took, though.”

The bed creaked as he shifted. “Can I stretch my legs out, though? I’m losing circulation, babe.”

You paused your work to move over, allowing him to uncross his legs and spread them along the mattress. He took the opportunity to hook one over your lap. You had to refrain from rolling your eyes once more.

Dipping the tip of your brush in your palette, you positioned his hand on top of his thigh and resumed painting on his skin. You moved carefully, making sure to form the shapes you wanted. You took another brush, one with a smaller tip, and created several criss-crossing lines. Meawhile, Tendou hummed contentedly.

“You’ve been listening and singing to nothing but that song for the past two weeks,” you groaned. “It was catchy first, but now it’s just too much, bro.”

“How else am I gonna pass the time? I’m likewise getting a tad tired so why don’t you hurry up, hm?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m almost there. Be patient.”

Another 5 minutes of his increasingly loud (and annoying) humming passed by before you set down your brush on the nightstand.

“Done! You can open your eyes now.”

“Finally!” he exclaimed, eyelids fluttering open. His red eyes glittered with excitement when he brought his hand to his face, examining the brown circles and criss-crossed tan triangles that adorned his skin. A upward curl graced his lips as his eyes traveled from his hand to your expectant gaze.

“Chocolate ice cream cones?” he questioned with amusement.

“Your favorite treat!” you retorted.

He chuckled. “Actually,” he said as he leaned forward, using his other hand to guide your head in close for a peck to the forehead.

“You’re my favorite treat.”

koganegawa

“Y/n!” you heard your boyfriend call. He was bounding up the grassy hill towards your spot in the shade, a paper bag in his right hand. When he reached you, he set down the bag and leaned down to give you a quick kiss on your head, taking a seat next to you, cross legged. He leaned into your shoulder, peering down at your hands and the paintbrush in them.

“Ooh, what’re you painting?” he asked, unable to make out where you were going with the few splotches on the back of your hand. He held your hand up closer to his face, squinting. “Yellow circles?”

“Yes, but noo,” you answered, snatching your hand back and hiding it from view. Teasingly, you added, “You’ll see~ It’s a surprise. Don’t look until I’m done.”

“Whaat? Why can’t I know?” Koganegawa complained, leaning closer in an attempt to grab your hand back. In seconds, he managed to topple you both over the picnic blanket. Squirming underneath his weight, you retaliated by pushing his face back and stretching your arm out of reach.

“Because you can’t!” you shouted between laughs. Successfully shoving Koganegawa off, you staggered onto your feet and dashed behind the nearby tree for safety.

“Aw, c’mon, just tell me, pleeasseeee,” he pleaded as he got onto his knees.

“No.”

Silence followed for several seconds before he sighed in defeat. “Fine. But eat with me while the food’s still warm. I’m starving!”

Two rice bowls, a large lemonade, and several sneak attacks from Koganegawa later, you waved a hand over your boyfriend’s eyes. He was laying down on the blanket, arms behind his head as he stared at the sunlight-freckled green leaves overhead.

“Okay, dummy, you can see it now,” you joked.

He sat up and took your outstretched palm, turning it over. His eyes widened at the sight of yellow chicks with familiar, brown tufts on their heads. Unable to resist gawking at their cuteness, he gaped at your work.

“This is so cute, y/n! What are these brown little hair thingies, though?”

You rolled your eyes and raised your hand to play with a strand of his own brown little hair thingy. “I based these baby chicks off you!”

His mouth formed an “o” as realization sunk in. “Huh. Do I really look like this?” he asked, holding up your hand next to his face for you to compare.

“Hmmm,” you rubbed your chin in fake thought, looking back and forth between your painting and your boyfriend’s curious expression. “Yes. You’re a bit cuter, though.”

“N-No, you...”

lev

You couldn’t help but feel touched when you noticed the childish wonder in Lev’s eyes as he watched you paint small mangoes across your hand. Dipping your brush into the green paint, you finished off your final fruit with two leaves. You spent several seconds blowing on the paint, forcing your piece to dry faster, then offered your hand to your boyfriend.

Before you could ask him what he thought, however, he was already showering you with compliments.

“Woah, y/n, how are you so talented? This looks even better than those pineapples you did last time, and those were really good! I love this, uh, this gradient -- is that what they call it -- you put here with the orange and yellow! You should do avocados next!”

You huffed with amusement. “Thanks, Lev. I didn’t know you were so into fruit. Or art. Or fruit art.”

He shrugged, smiling. “I just like to see you do what you do best. Other than being the best partner, it’s painting these little fruits on your hand!”

A knock was heard on the door and a voice called out, “Lyovochka? I made some snacks and tea for you and y/n.”

The door cracked open to reveal Alisa’s bright eyes and radiant smile. Once her gaze fell upon the paint bottles at your side, it shifted over to your hand, blotched with an array of yellow, orange, and green.

“Oh, y/n, I didn’t know you liked painting! May I see?” she asked excitedly, opening the door slightly wider.

“Of course,” you answered, extending your hand out for her to look.

She stepped inside and gently took your hand to observe the painted fruits. “It’s adorable, I love it!” she swooned. “After snacks, could you paint some for us, too? Or teach us?”

“Having oranges on my hand as I spike the ball does sound kinda cool...” Lev thought aloud.

“Heh, only if you don’t miss,” you said jokingly, pinching one of his cheeks playfully. “But I’d be happy to!”

And thus you found yourselves huddled together in the living room, fruit sandos and paintbrushes in hand as you three attempted to feed and paint on each other. Though it ended up a bit messy in more ways than one, Lev was content with his misshapen, orange oblongs and Alisa in love with her pink-orange peaches. None of you hesitated to show off your matching fruit hands to anybody you came across for the next two days.

[plainvanillapotato]

the 100 diaries S2 E12

quarantine: may 31 2020

season 2 episode 12: “Rubicon”

the guy is running. watch he just die and no one gets clarkes message. i would love it if clarkes plane just backfired but of course they save him. 

ok but wait why was cage just random carrying a oxygen tank when he himself doesnt even need one.

tsing out here with her own personal army. then just plucking these kids one by one. damn 

these grounders really be listening to clarke just because lexa said so?? damn these grounders be loyal minus gustus and that one guy that tried to kill clarke but then got eaten by king kong

is raven really the only person out here doing all this crap?? like does clarke not realize how big of an ask shes asking of raven? raven is magic and shit but she has some limitations just to be somewhat realistic. just chill the fuck out clarke raven is doing the best out here arguably more than clarke.

i love how bellamy is still wearing that hat still looking like sean malto. but also how has someone not noticed him? but i guess bellamy like joe from you as in if he wears a hat he magically blends in.

“...all of this is for nothing” way to put pressure on prettyboy bellamy like he didnt already know that. chill clarke everyone is trying their best out here. ngl i would hate to have clarke as a manager cuz i think she would micromanage the shit out of people. 

remember in the last episode when clarke asked what her job was well i think that i figured it out:

i also wanna mention that finn literally died idk less than a week ago but clarkes in charge being out and about commanding people years her senior. i get that we had that whole episode dedicated to how finns death affects clarke but still she got over that pretty quick. a little too quick. but i guess that if youre a sky person your emotional metabolism is just through the fucking roof...

ooo clarke still be salty toward her mom. but yeah kane is kinda an enabler

but why do these people have clear paper. the art department is feeling themselves on that one. like is it because they wanted to be edgy and futuristic or is it from an actual realistic viewpoint that the space people dont have trees to create paper................does this also mean that the space people didnt have toilet paper???????? but also back to the paper thing did these kids never learn how to write in cursive??? since i would imagine actual writing utensils are limited so idk if they waste it on teaching kids cursive. actually tho does anyone have an answer to these questions??? 

where did jaha get that antler stick. i kinda want one. i like to imagine that he just saw it lying somewhere on their way to the desert and said to himself i would look epic holding that stick and then went to pick up and started using it even tho he doesnt actually need a walking stick....any hunter x hunter fans?

jaha’s mask at 8:29 is an example of what not to wear during corona season

“thanks for the water?”...while looking down a bit flustered ”its, uh..it was no problem” emori and murphy? ship?

bellamy crawling through air vents to save the day...magenta from sky high who??

also bellamy’s ear piece is giving me everything. *i know that the following meme is just a tiny phone but i just really like it so idgaf

again with the inaccuracy of bone marrow extraction.

but what really gets me is clarke recognizing what procedure is going o just by the sound of a drill. ok who is she? she be like the boy that can identify a vacuum just by the sound. For those that don’t know what I’m talking about:

https://youtu.be/Ar5nLNku0CM

A missile?? where did these people get a missile

But also imagine if clarke was like actually i didn’t catch any of that conversation and bellamy just had to recap it like Luis in ant-man. I would die

thats a lot to ask of raven clarke. Like i could never get that shit done no matter how long you gave me. Yeah ppl be screwed if i was part of the 100

That hug btw Clarke and raven...ship? Jk i know it was just a friendship hug but yah can never know with these writers. Like i honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the writers said enemies (being part of that love triangle with finn) to friends to lovers

murphy and emori are definitly a ship. walking together behind with everyone else. Murphy said “i killed two people. I had my reasons but nobody cared.” Fuck you murphy you killed them cuz you a salty bitch. I also hate how he says this so blasé. Like dude want?? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Murphy also said im the bad guy. Murphy is a billie elish fan?? Duh.

woah when that girl pulled out her claw????? I fell out of my seat. its actually huge. she could grab a whole basket all. They did a great job concealing/ not drawing attention to her hand before like i was so fucking surprised.

“Its pretty badass” and murphy looking at that claw tho...murphy is into kinky shit. But also that look he gave her while she walked away that was the most genuine look I’ve ever seen out of murphy.

Bellamy shoving jasper into a wall and whispering...bellamy and jasper? ship?

this secret talk between bellamy and Dante....bellamy and president Dante? ship?

But i also like to imagine that during this meeting that bellamy has the song dont be suspious. Dont be suspious playing in his head

woah. Mountain man said inconito mode activated. Reminds me of one of those green soldiers in toy story especially during the opening scene of i think the first movie

This character development in clarke is something else like remember when she talked about the grounders wanting finn out in the open and not in private causing a huge public uproar. Look at her now talking in private with Lexa about the missile. Phenomenal character growth if you ask me.

they really put all their eggs in one basket with bellamy. But bellamy be a really good basket tho. Trust Lexa trust.

where tf did this guy get an RPG??

Woah Emori be the real bad guy. But honestly she could slit Murphy’s throat and he would still live because cockroaches can still live without their head.

raven you should have just shut up. You really dropped the ball there.

lincoln???? What are the chances??? Isn’t he still a druggie?? Honestly octavias little speech would not motivate me at all. If anything it would make me want to take more drugs. At this point i would just say to Lincoln “dont fight it”

i like how they took everything but they let jaha keep his stick.

caspian is reall dressed like a hipster that sells artisanal kombucha

Jaha really has some faith in murphy...jaha and murphy? ship?

Also that was a really good shot of them murphy, jaha, and their crew climbing up the hill with a giant moon in the background

Lexa is giving me padme vibez wearing that head scarf like that

they were going to let kane and indra die

yeah sorry to break it to you abby but your child is a killer but then again so are you sooo..you really cant be out here to judge your kid like that. Like mother like daughter. But you really cant lecture clarke on this. you literally gave your husband up and you let your daughter blame her best friend for it. And on top of this you were part of the council that sent 100 kid down to earth without even knowing if earth was survivable. ma’m get the fuck outta here.

but all those lives for bellamy. i think its worth it. Because bellamy is worth everything.

theyre linking arms they got monty no!! absolutely not. they took jasper but i gotta say better he than monty bc Monty is king. Yeah jasper really fumbled with that gun. Really not smart. jasper should have just shot tsing instead

Oof a containment breach. wow what an epic door stop. Sooo loong tsing. That was such a cruel death tho but yeah she kinda deserved it.

Does Dante play the cello?? A real renaissance man isn’t he?

wow this makes octaiva and lincoln like an epic couple that conquered the world. power couple. Goals *gag* but ok does that mean that Lincoln just stopped cold turkey just like that?? Hes just automatically better? No this is not how drug addiction works. But ok sure Jan.

[angrylizardjacket]

sweet chaos {Brian May}

Anons asked (in a roundabout way, I lost the original prompts): Brian/Reader where she has a crush on him but he thinks she’s into another one of the band members, and when he confronts her, he tells her he has feelings too? Also, Brian/Reader where they meet in the studio and there’s flirting and they end up together.

A/N: 3640 words. Something about Brian just makes me wanna write a lot apparently. Y/N is just.... so chaotic. ANYWAYS, so this is the fic I wrote last night and then lost, but I’ve managed to salvage it, and I’m happy with how it turned out. I’m so sorry to the two beautiful anons whose prompts were lost to my mistake last night, just know this goes out to you.

“Deaks, when did you get cool?” You gaze around the studio with an almost awed expression, hands shoved in the pockets of your jacket, before finally turning your grin on John, who was crouched by his bass case, looking up at you with a singular raised eyebrow.

“I’ve always been cool.” John was adamant about this, pulling out his bass and clicking the case shut. “You just don’t appreciate me.” After a moment, in which you rolled your eyes at him, he secured the strap on his instrument and looked up at you with an amused smile. “A year ago.” He conceded, and your eyes went wide.

“A ye- John Francis Deacon-” You cut yourself off, spluttering in surprise.

“Not my middle name.” He interjected, though you just talked over him, bouncing on the balls of your feet.

“You’ve been in a band for a year and you didn’t think to tell me? I’ve been living with you for like a week!” You crowed, and your theatrics had earned both a chuckle from John, and the attention of the three other boys in the room; the rest of the band.

“You care to introduce us to your friend?” The blonde one asked, eyebrows raised, confusion clear on his face.

“If I must,” John gave you a long suffering smile, before turning on his heel to face the others, “Roger, Brian, Freddie, this is Y/N. Y/N, this is Roger, Brian, and Freddie, the band.” He gestured between you all, and it takes a moment for him to finally finish processing everything you had said. “How have you known me this long and not known my middle name?”

And, okay, he did have a point; you’d grown up living next door to each other, had been practically joined at the hip since some kid had tried to push you off the swing beside him, and so you’d pushed the kid back, yelling ‘go away, he’s my friend’. You been through primary school and high school together, and it was only when John went to uni and you took a year to backpack across Europe, that you really spent a meaningful amount of time apart.

“Is it Jonathan?” You asked, feigning innocence, and John had to actually stop, where he was tuning his bass to suppress a smile. You couldn’t look at him, if you did, you knew you would just break into a fit of giggles. Instead, you took the moment to really give a good look at the band. The blonde one behind the drums, Roger as he’d been introduced, didn’t seem to know what to do with you, and instead just went back to setting up his equipment. Freddie, who had been quietly warming up his voice on the other side of the room, had paused for the moment, analysing you with a serious look before his gaze came up to meet yours. He gave an approving nod, and went back to his work, already bouncing with energy and anticipation. The guitarist, Brian, just seemed amused by the banter, looking between you and John with a loose grip on his guitar.

“Yes, my mother named me John Jonathan.” His words were practically dripping with sarcasm, but you kept your composure, not even cracking a smile.

“I’ve met Lilian, I wouldn’t put it past her..” You clicked your tongue, raising your eyebrows at John. After a beat, his eyes went wide and he tried to protest, but your facade cracked and you chuckled fondly at his exasperation, and you hear Brian laugh too, before he goes back to also tuning his guitar. “I’m kidding, Deaks, you know I love your mum,” your waved him off with a fond smile, making a move to leave the recording studio, but thought better of it, turning back with a mischievous grin. John’s expression immediately became suspicious. “And of course I know your middle name; it’s Dick.”

“Richard.” He corrected automatically, the word accompanied by an eyeroll. You heard Roger snort out a laugh.

“How do you get Dick from Richard?” Freddie asked with a confused frown, stopping his pacing. The moment the words left his mouth, you’re pretty sure you can see John spontaneously form a headache, and your grin sharpens.

“You ask him nicely.” You hear both you and Brian say at the same time. There’s a beat of silence, and you both look at each other, sharing an amused moment of camaraderie, much to John’s exasperation.

“I like this one.” You say, voice firm, pointing directly at Brian. His smile widened before he ducked his head, going back to his guitar. John had just started shaking his head at you, but he was smiling so you knew you weren’t in any real trouble.

In the sound studio, the tech they had on, as well as the other two girls, Mary and Kristin, they introduced themselves as, greeted you warmly enough, and thus started one of the longest and best nights of your life so far.

John was good at bass, much better than you had realised, much better than he had any right to be, at least that’s how you phrase it in your head when you’re resting your chin on his shoulder, listening to the playback of his latest version of the song they’d been working at for about half an hour. Eyes glassy, your mouth remained shut as the boys bandied about musical terms and ideas that you didn’t really understand, though you knew you’d appreciate their end product. John sort of loved that about you, your ability to walk the fine line between irritating and lovable, yet also knowing when to keep your mouth shut if you didn’t think you could contribute to a conversation as well as you’d like.

“You’ve been awfully quiet, what do you think, Y/N?” Brian’s smiling up at you from where he’s sat in a wheelie chair they’d co-opted from the office in the next room. Snapping back to reality, you take a step back from John, looking to the now-empty studio, and then to your best friend.

“What do I think?” It takes all of your effort not to just blurt out exactly what you had been thinking; I watched John eat a worm once and now he’s making kick ass music and I don’t know how to consolidate those two mental images of him in my mind. “Great.” You answer instead. “I think it sounds great.” After a beat, you duck your gaze, laughing a little self consciously, “I don’t know a lot about music so I can’t really offer much feedback.” 

“Well, if you stick around, we can probably teach you a think or two.” He shrugged, but there was clearly an offer in his words, and you smile, before turning and raising your eyebrows at John, as silent question asking if you could stay.

“He’s the one who made the offer, not me.” John just put his hands up in mock surrender, pushing you a few steps closer to Brian as he maneuvered around you to head back into the recording studio. “She’s your problem now, Bri.” He called over his shoulder, giving you a sunny smile, which only served to make you irritated.

“Problem?” You huffed, before stalking over to the sound desk, leaning over it as you turned on the microphone. “Don’t disrespect me like that, John Jonathan, I watched you eat a worm!” And to that, John, along with the rest of the band and those in the sound studio, laughed, and you felt the tension leave you as you cracked a smile. After a moment, you see John pulling up his bass, and there’s a gentle tap on your left hip, and you turn, seeing the sound technician waiting with pointedly raised eyebrows. Stepping back quickly, you move to make room for him, promptly falling right onto Brian, who was the one who had been trying to get you to move in the first place.

John’s started playing again so no-one else hears Brian’s quiet grunt of discomfort at your landing. Scrambling to stand up and apologise, you hear him quietly laugh, reaching out to take hold your wrist, not to keep you there, more like a reassurance.

“It’s fine, you’re my problem, after all.” And despite the fact that you resent being called a problem at all, the way he’s smiling at you, the way he says it, well maybe it didn’t sound too bad.

The sound got more experimental as the night wore on, and once they’d reached the tipping point while recording the tenuously titled ‘Seven Seas of Rhye’ the night became electric. You spent your time often on your feet, bouncing around the space, listening with a grin as the others would suggest a new, eclectic ideas. If you weren’t in Brian’s lap in the wheelie chair, which you’d claimed as your seat for the night, you were dancing with Mary, or John, or even Roger and Kristin, you’re pretty sure you’ve been a part of something truly extraordinary by hearing this album being created.

“Alright, alright,” when the night wraps up and John comes to collect you, you’re with Brian, chatting to Mary with his chin on your shoulder, “time to head home, dear.” Mary excused herself from the conversation, heading off to find Freddie, while you turned and gave John’s outstretched hand an unimpressed look.

“You cut me loose, Deaks, I was in the market for a new best mate and you pushed me at poor Brian here,” shaking your head, you lay the faux disappointment on thick, crossing your arms and leaning back just a little further against Brian, who was grinning with amusement at the whole situation, “this is really all your fault.” You added, but John just rolled his eyes, smiling exasperatedly at you.

“It’s fine by me, I’d love to have you off my sofa, but I just thought I’d let you know,” and he cast his gaze towards the recording studio, “Brian lives with Roger.” He said pointedly as Kristin’s high, sweet laugh rang through the air, and you saw Roger was grinning confidently, showing her how to twirl a drumstick in favour of packing up his drum kit. Standing abruptly, you took John’s free hand.

“Yeah, probably a good call.” Brian’s expression soured, but then he turned back to face you, smiling brightly. “Lovely to meet you, though; we’ll be seeing you again, right?”

“You guys play gigs?” You asked, and he nodded. “Well then, now that John’s let me in on this dirty little secret of his, I think you’d be hard pressed to stop me.” And with a final, playful wink, you loop your arm through John’s and leave the studio.

And, well, you do see them again. You see them a lot; you’re there every weekend, at gigs, sometimes in rehearsals, you become as regular of a fixture as Mary. The boys liked having you around, you were friendly and bright, and you actually seemed to bring John out of his shell a little. In general, you found it easy to be around them, being close to them, and soon enough, you’ll find yourself comfortable enough to just lean against them when you’re standing close, at bars or during a break in rehearsals. Casual hugs, arms around shoulders, it’s a staple of your existence with the band, which you love because - yay! Human contact! - but with it comes a pretty big detractor.

It’s damn hard to establish whether or not the goofy guitarist who smiles like goddamn sunshine, and who you may have an enormous crush on, is even remotely interested in you as more than anything more than a friend. You’d really tried not to like him like that, for John’s sake at least; he was your best friend, you couldn’t jeopardise your friendship with him, and his band mate, but the heart wants what it wants, and yours wants Brian to never stop smiling at you the way he does when he’s on stage and he sees you cheering for them in the crowd. He’s always the first to hug you when you arrive to a show, never one to brush you off when you tuck your arm into his when you’re both waiting for drinks at the bar, he plays along well when you’re doing a bit, and he’s always the first to drag you away whenever you’re about to get in a scrap with Roger.

That was the main problem you had with the band; Roger was far too easy to wind up, and you were far too willing to kick that hornet’s nest whenever the whim struck you. He respects you well enough, likes you well enough, is even willing to share the armchair in the hall outside the rehearsal room when you two are the first ones to arrive, and the others show up and you’re both arguing over an article in the paper but he’s got an arm around you for stability. It’s not that you don’t get along with Roger, it’s just sometimes fun to watch him get worked up over a joke. Like when you’d told him you’d seen better drumming in a high school marching band. You’d almost copped a drumstick to the face for that one, but you’d caught it just before it had landed, and after a beat of silence in which the both of look a little impressed at your reflexes, you both break out into unintelligible arguing, drawing the attention of both John and Brian who had been chatting at the side of the room. 

You’re about a foot away from the drum kit, brandishing the drum stick and threatening to shove it somewhere unpleasant, and Roger was standing, looking a little like he was two seconds from crashing directly through the drum kit to tackle you, when you feel a pair of arms around you, and you’re being dragged away. Looking around, you see John advancing on Roger like he’s a spooked horse, trying to calm him down.

Once you realise it’s Brian, you stop trying to get away, and simply let yourself be walked backwards until the two of you are near the door, and he turns you, arms still around you, so he’s blocking Roger from your sight.

“Why do you have to rile him up like that?” Brian asks, and you turn around so that you’re toe to toe.

“It’s not my fault he doesn’t know how to take a joke.” You grumbled, crossing your arms awkwardly as they’re trapped between the two, though Brian doesn’t loosen his grip, in fact, he seems rather endeared by your antics.

“Can I have that?” He asks, eyes dropping to the drumstick in your hands, and you snorted. You can hear Roger in the background angrily murmuring that he’s fine.

“I caught it, it’s mine, fair and square.” You say, voice lofty. “It’s a trophy.” You added, and that set Roger off again, just as Freddie walked through the door.

“It’s a trophy, my ass! Give me back my drum stick, you knob!” He hollers, and you use the element of surprise to shift both yourself and Brian to face the enraged drummer, though he doesn’t let go of you. John’s got his arms around Roger, but he’s not being held nearly as securely as you.

“This trophy will go up your ass! Call me lazy again!” You dared at the top of your lungs, even as you were being hauled backwards. “Let go of me, Brian!” You protested as Roger broke free of John and started wrestling one of his cymbals from it’s stand, to both John and Freddie’s shouted protests. “You throw that cymbal and I’m keeping it too!” Are the last words you get in before the door to the rehearsal space shuts and you hear it lock, presumably by Freddie. Brian lets go of her and promptly sat himself on the armchair in the hallway, looking like he was trying to process what had just happened.

With your back against the door, you twirl the drumstick absentmindedly, a skill you’d picked up quite by accident, simply by virtue of having seen Roger show off so much. It’s not something that goes unnoticed by Brian, but he doesn’t comment on it.

“Why?” Is all he asks, and you finally look up. When your gazes meet, you lob the drumstick gently over to the side of the room, already bored with it.

“He was being a dickhead.” You sighed, as if it were answer enough, letting the tension out of your shoulders and resting your head against the door. Silence stretched between you, and when your gaze shifted from the ceiling to look at Brian, he was waiting with a half-smile for an elaboration. “Rog told me that if I was going to just laze around I should start looking cute or being helpful,” already your explanation made far too much sense, and Brian chuckled. “So I said I only help out people with talent, and that the rest of you were fine-” you don’t know what to make of his pleased little smile, but you’re already getting to your feet and making your way over to him, “and of course he feels the need to prove himself.” You say, sitting down on Brian’s lap. Sitting sideways, you hang your legs over the arm of the armchair and rest your cheek on his shoulder. It’s automatic, the way he rests a hand on your thigh, the other coming to wrap around you in support.

“Wouldn’t have mattered what he’d played, would it?” You can hear him smiling, and he already knows your answer.

“He implied that I was lazy and not cute.” You made a face, like you couldn’t believe it, even after the fact. “Me!” Brian couldn’t help but chuckle at that, though his heart wasn’t in it.

“I have to ask, is this some weird, passive-aggressive flirting technique you’re using on him?” And when he says it, you sit bolt upright, frowning deeply, flushing with embarrassment; he thinks you’re flirting with Roger of all people?

“I don’t know how to flirt with people I do have a thing for, let alone Roger.” But as soon as the words left your mouth, you felt your face heat up further, and you scrambled to a standing position. “What makes you say that?” 

“Well you do talk about his butt a lot.” Brian himself seemed unable to look at you, and you started pacing.

“I threaten his ass a lot, I’m not- Is this about what I said about the drum stick?” You asked, eyeing the singular wooden drum stick where it’s lying on the floor. You don’t pick it up.

“You also- the spinny thing he does with it. It’s a thing he does to show off, like his signature, I just-” He’s floundering a little bit, and you find yourself smiling despite the situation.

Coming to a halt, you stand, facing the chair, fond smile on your face as you see where he’s a little flustered. Heartbeat thumping in your ears, you throw caution to the wind, just a little.

“If it was just as easy to learn guitar as it was to twirl a single drumstick, I’d’ve been Jimmy Page months ago from watching you.” You half smiled, heart in your throat. He finally looks at you, radiating pride despite his bashfulness, which is a sweet look on him, and you gently step forward, settling back down into the chair and curling up by him.

“I like seeing you in the crowd, you know?” He murmured, tapping out a gentle rhythm with his fingers on your thigh.

“I like watching you play.” You respond, before admitting. “It’s one of my favourite things in the world, seeing you up there, all confident; you’re very talented, you know-” and you look up to gauge his reaction, but he cuts you off with a kiss. Relief floods through you as you kiss him back, indulging in what you’d been hoping for for what was months at this point, since the first studio recording.

“Y/N-” John unlocks and open the door in quick succession, takes one look at where you and Brian had just broken apart, caught absolutely red handed, and immediately shuts the door again. You and Brian take a moment to look at each other, processing what had just happened, before bursting into laughter again, which quickly devolves into more kissing, until he’s gently moving you off of him, reminding you that he still had the rest of band practice to attend.

John is smug during the entire drive back to his house where you’re still crashing on his sofa, a few days away from the paperwork for your own place being finalized.

“I knew it.” Is all he says when you finally snap and tell him that smug, righteous asshole wasn’t a good look on him.

Freddie caught on almost directly after John; he’d picked it up from context clues, and also because at your next gig, Mary seemed to know without you or Brian barely speaking two words to each other. She’d leaned over to Freddie during one of the breaks and asked how long the two of you had actually been together, saying that she’d meant to ask before but it’d never been so obvious. When Freddie tells you this, you almost do a spit-take.

“You’re joking.” You respond, eyes shining with amusement. “What? Is he looking at me differently?” You cheeks flush as you look over your shoulder at where he’s waiting by the bar, and he looks back at you, shooting you a bright grin that made your heart flutter. Looking back, Freddie’s wearing a knowing smile.

“No, he’s always looked at you like that.”

[sassynalu]

Finale Review

Here are my thoughts. Please be respectful, as they are my thoughts. I hope I won’t miss anything.

The first part of the episode felt tragic in comparison with the ending, which was the opposite. The ending felt right.

The Ending was a massive parallel with the first episode. Daenerys became the Mad Queen like her father. (We already know she’s a victim of bad writing, but long live Emilia Clarke who played her so amazing) Once Daenerys felt the power, the blood on her hands, she couldn’t stop anymore because this is what power does to you. It changes a person. If Jon ever had that power, he would have changed as well. Heck, Sansa changed, but I will go to that later.

Daenerys Targaryen became a dragon like Ollena once told her. A dragon is not a symbol of peace. A dragon is the symbol of Fire and Blood, as the motto of House Targaryen. We saw Daenerys in her most majestic scene ever, with Drogon behind her feeling like she was the Dragon, she had HER wings. She IS the DRAGON QUEEN. Her speech was badass af. Talking in valyrian, it was a fantastic parallel to Khal Drogo. Khal Drogo kept his promise towards her. He promised her the iron throne (she got the iron throne with the help of Dothraki, she got to touch it, a thing she wished since she was a child and couldn’t even count to 20. The throne was a disappointment for her) He promised her the Seven Kingdoms, and SHE HAD them also if it was for a little while. Drogo vowed to take the Khalasar to where the world ends (this, for them, was King`s Landings cause the Dothraki were never there) AND THEY ENDED UP IN KL. He promised to ride the wooden horses across the black salt water as no KHAL has ever done and they sailed, FOR KHALEESI. Khal Drogo kept his promise towards his moon and life. Daenerys mentioned his whole speech to the Dothraki and The Unsullied. And let’s face it, it was terrific. My baby made me proud as fuck. But how I said at the beginning, blood changed Daenerys. And here I go to Arya quoting “ I know how to recognize a killer when I see one.” Daenerys wasn’t going to rule as a right and just queen, but she was going to become like Cersei. I want to think of her death as her salvation. In Death you cannot become the Death.

Jon, however (as a big jonerys shipper) did what he had to. His heart was broken; he was devastated to kill her. HE LOVED HER. Even after days (or weeks?) after killing her, Jon was still thinking about this. He was guilt-tripping himself. He didn’t know if what he did was right or not. But in fact, it was. Long ago, at the wall, he was told: “ Kill the boy and let the man be born.” Jon is not a child anymore. He is a man now. He had to take the decision that would benefit the WESTEROS not what would benefit him. And this will always leave a hole in his heart. Duty is the death of love. However, Jon ended up where he had to. He didn’t deserve to die. He had to live. He was sent back where HIS STORY STARTED, at the wall. Where he killed the boy and was reborn as a man, he united the wildings and the men. He reunited with Ghost. Because the north is where they are both happy, and Ghost is part of him. Jon is more of a Stark than a Targaryen and Fire, and Blood is not him. The ending also created a beautiful and good parallel to the beginning, where they could finally go beyond the wall not being scared. And hey, Tormund became their King. Both of them are the Kings in the North.

Arya, not a big fan of her, but happy for her. In season 6 she asked “ what is west of Westeros?” No one knew, she wanted to see with her own eyes.It became her dream. She is free of revenge. Being a lady or a knight was not her. She can finally follow her destiny. She can see what the others didn’t. She is an adventurer. She is a free spirit. This is her.

Sansa, not a fan of her either, almost not at all, but she deserved the crown. Sansa is the child of Eddard Stark and Catelyn Tully. The north flows through her veins. Sansa LOVES the North and was the best to rule it. She and Robb. Robb was a boy when he died. He was a great strategist like Sansa. Unfortunately, he didn’t had the change to prove himself because his love was the death of his duty. But Sansa is not in love with a man, maybe she will never be because she is in love with the north itself. She is a good politician. She is an excellent strategist. She is a ruler and, of course, A Stark must always stay in the north. Long live the queen Sansa Stark.

Brienne, I think she is at peace with herself. She holds no grudges as we could see her writing,“ he died, protecting his queen.” (This is also not a bad writing for Jaime`s development but a good one. He died protecting his family. Family comes first. His story started with Cersei. It had to end with Cersei). Writing Jaime’s history allowed her to move forward to let him behind her. Jaime will always hold a special place in her heart, but Brienne of Tarth, Knight of the six Kingdoms will not cry over a man. She understands that Duty comes first. She promised Cat she will protect her kids. She protected Arya, she protected Sansa, and now she is protecting Bran. I am so happy with her.

And Tyrion… The ending was an actual starting. His duty now comes to repay his debt. His debt is towards the people he let down, towards the King`s Landing, towards himself and his brother. A Lannister always pays his debt. He is there to teach the new Council how to behave, how to be the best of them. This is why he even said that they would be better, and Bran trusted him. Tyrion will be there to teach Bronn, Sam, and Davos how to act, how to grow as the new council. How the new reign will arise and how the seven Kingdoms will thrive right under his watch.

Greyworm and the unsullied left to Naath. To protect what Missandei loved the most. With Greyworm going there, Missandei`s story ends. They sailed to Naath.

And last but not least, Bran becoming the king was the best choice. He is indeed the memory of everyone`s past. A king should be just, a king should be someone who doesn’t want the power that will change you. Bran is the only character who didnt go for power, for a crown, for a title.

Also, the fact that Sam called the book “ A song of ice and fire” is a lovely and good tribute to the books.

Now, I don’t want us to have a salty opinion about the ending because I, you, WE loved Game of Thrones and even if the last season was ugh, Game of Thrones would always hold a place in our hearts, and we should look at the full part of the glass. The ending wasn’t as bad as I imagined, and I am happy with it. It ended just right, and I am sure this is the ending GRRM told them to do before he left.

Our watch has ended and it ended good.

[doctormage]

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

[aescapisms]

disconnected (5)

pairing: sebastian stan x reader

wordcount: 3,197

warning: angst. so. much. angst. and stupidity. they’re. so. stupid. 

a/n: TAGLIST IS OPEN!!! SEND ME AND ASK :)) i think i have two chapters left tho ahhahahahah 

taglist: @berruneko09 @vechkinfan @ria132love @haha-barnes @fantasticsofa  

Two months.

You haven’t seen him for two months. You had been on the road and filmed for different shows be it a sit com or an interview or even for a freaking tv series. Despite not seeing each other face to face, you and Sebastian still talked every time that you guys can. He was always complaining that he missed your cooking and you kept on insisting that you would teach him how to cook over face time or that he could just ask Margarita to cook for him. But then he would just always laugh and tell you that she doesn’t know how to cook or talk about something else entirely.

You had no idea why he was acting that way regarding Margarita, the last he spoke of her with you was to tell you that it would be okay if you stayed since he had already talked to her about it. And that was it, conversation over. You didn’t bother asking what changed her mind especially that it had worked out in your favor and besides you didn’t want to stick your nose in other people’s business so you stayed away from the topic and that was that.

“Hey guys!” You shouted at the crowd in front of you. They replied with screams and you laughed, “Alright I just want to say a few things. So I know you all know that this is the last song for the very last set of my first tour. I just want you guys to know how happy I am that you have supported me through out this venture.” They screamed louder when you smiled and played the first few notes of the very first song that you had released which you had dedicated to your fans. “I never really thought that I would be able to do these kinds of tour you know? I just thought I’d be playing at a bar or something but you guys… You guys made this possible and I can never thank you enough for making my dreams come true.”

As you stared at the crowd of five thousand people, you can’t help but tear up. “I’ve never felt more loved.” Everyone ‘Awwed’ but then laughed when you immediately said “Except for my Mom of course. I love you mom.”

“Whenever I stand on a stage and look at you guys, all of my doubts and fears just vanishes. You guys lift me up every single time and I hope that whenever you listen to this song, I could do the same for you.”

You let the crowd sing the last verse of the song, their voices echoing inside the ballroom and you stared at them as they finished it with tears in your eyes, then bowed when it was over. “I am Y/N, and thank you so much for being here!”

You headed out to the dressing room where everyone was waiting for you with a cake and balloons in order to celebrate the last leg of the tour. And then you cried because you were going to miss everyone that had been with you for the past few months. “Hey, at least you can rest for a while right?” Ryan told you and laughed.

Before leaving you talked to Ryan and told him to take everyone to a bar to celebrate, it’ll be a gift from you to them. “Are you not coming?”

You shook your head “I have to prepare for the audition the day after tomorrow. I have to go home.”

“Alright, you take care. Darling I am so proud of you.” You hugged him and told him to bring  Marian to the after party, “Oh yes. She is going to kill me but she told me to tell you that she is so proud of you to be able to do anything with me as your manager.”

Getting into your new car, that sponsorship form Honda really had its perks, you drove home, to that apartment in the heart of the city with a certain blue eyed man.

“Hey Sebby.”  you greeted when you saw him at the dining table reading.

He stared at you for a few seconds and then suddenly he was up on his feet on his way to you.

“I missed you!” He exclaimed while hugging you. You patted his back and laughed. “I missed you too big guy. You look good with that scruff by the way.”

He smiled and grabbed your bag, “Here let me help you. Have you eaten?” He placed your bags in your room and then he went back to sit on the couch with you.

“So, how are you?” He asked “Have you been eating properly you look thinner.”

“Yes Sebby, I’ve been eating properly.” You laughed at him but he still looked concerned. “Everything is okay, the trip was good, better that I had imagined. How about you? Everything okay?”

He nodded, “Except for your homemade foods? Yeah, I’ve been okay. But when you left I’m not gonna lie, the house got real lonely. Anyway, you should probably rest, you look tired.”

“Yeah, I really am. But its the good kind of tired.” You kicked yourself mentally when you saw Sebastian’s face when you said that “I didnt mean for it to come out that way. its just that— I really don’t have any exp—.” Before you could finish your sentence your stomach grumbled.

“YOU SAID YOU WE’RENT HUNGRY”

“I DIDNT WANT TO COOK”

“Damn it. Stay here, I’m gonna fix something up.” Sebby left and went straight to the kitchen to try and cook you something that would be fast yet still be edible to eat. He had no idea when you were going to be back. And he’s not fooling anyone if he said that he didn’t miss you because he did. He opted to cook ramen, it was the easiest and fastest thing to cook but when he finished, you were already sleeping. Walking towards the dining table he placed the food on top of the script pages sprawled across it. After a while he walked towards you and just stared at your face. You looked peaceful, like nothing had ever bother you in your life.  

Chris had told Sebastian to tell you everything. About the break up with Margarita, about his real line of work,  and about his feelings for you. Sebastian told Chris that he doesn’t see you that way. He doesn’t want to be with you that way. He doesn’t want to wake up to you every single day for the rest of his life. He doesn’t want to give you flowers and take you out to dinner, a fancy one where you’ll both complain about the cutlery. He doesn’t want to kiss your lips and say the words ‘I love you’. No, he doesn’t want to be with you that way. At least, that is what he keeps on telling himself. Because you like Chris, not him. And he knows that Chris liked you too.

Sebastian watched as you lunged at Chris and yelled “CHRIS I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU LOVE.” His laughter filled the whole apartment as he ran around with your arms wrapped around his chest. After a while Chris replied with “Will you kill yourself then?”

Sebastian had never been shot, or hit by a truck but if he had, he expects that it would feel that way. But there wasn’t anything that he could do about that. Sebastian was nothing like Chris, he had accepted that. And so he didn’t bother to tell you anything. He had decided that being your friend would be better than you leaving him forever. As long as you’re happy, he will be.

Gently lifting you up from the couch, he carefully walked towards your room and put you to bed. He closed the door and went back to reading the script for the Destroyer, the next film he’s about to do and the filming starts next week.

‘As long as you’re happy.’

Sebastian woke you up at noon. You had missed breakfast and he didn’t want you to miss lunch, you had definitely lost weight and that really didn’t sit well with him.

“Thank you for this Sebby. I thought you didn’t know how to cook.” You told him as the both of you were eating some curry.

“I can cook okay? I just don’t like cooking that much.” He said as he grabbed your glass to put water in it. “I’m sorry for waking you up. Its just that you didn’t get to eat dinner and breakfast. I was kinda worried that something might happen to you.”

“I’ve been through worse believe me. Missing two meals won’t kill me. I’ve had days where all I would eat is a burger and hey, I’m still here ain’t I?” You said that hoping that he wouldn’t be worried but it only did the exact opposite. “WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO THAT?” He yelled that led to a a thirty minute lecture.

While you were washing the dishes Sebby went back to his room and grabbed a couple of papers which you had recognized from last night. “What’s that?” You asked him when you sat across opposite him.

“Just some notes for work.” He answered and shrugged. You smiled and didn't say anything else, you had let him continue working while you went on and checked your email. A few of them were from different companies, some of them were spam some were audition schedules.

“Hey, any plans for tonight?” He asked you. You just stared at him, “Stev—I mean Chris and I are planning to go to this bar was wondering if you wanted to tag along?”

“Who’s Steve?” His middle name. You shook your head and laughed, “I am not good with alcohol. So, I’ll just stay back here and besides I need to go to work tomorrow. You boys have fun, tell Chris I said hi.”

“Are you sure? I can look out for you, you know? I won’t let anything happen to you.”

You wanted to go but, you can’t risk of dragging them into the mess that is your life. A few pictures with them in a bar and the press won’t stop pestering the three of them about it.

When Sebastian left you decided to take that time to practice the lines that you will be needing for the audition tomorrow. Ryan had told you the news before your last show ended, apparently Robert Singer saw your acting in the Good Doctor and wanted to cast you on the show. You will be playing the role of Eris, a half-human half-demon in the show. You had watched some of the few seasons of Supernatural but you had stopped because you had to focus on making and learning music and that didn’t really leave you any time to watch t.v shows until the tour started. You took that as an opportunity to catch up on the show in order to be prepared with their universe.

You heard shuffling outside your door, you wondered if Sebastian had come home. Although, that is impossible. He said that he would be back before Christmas and this is way too early. So you took your knife and slowly opened the door. “Hey there Y/N. I’m treating you to a nice birthday experience since Sebby told me that your parents aren’t here.”

“How did you know that its my birthday?”

“Uhm? Because you told me last week via call?”

Oh yeah, you forgot about that. You had been helping Chris for a book that he had been and you really had no idea how the topic went to your birthdays. And now he’s here.

You smiled at him and made your way into the table where he had set up the food. “I’m sorry Seb is not here.”

Pulling up the chair that was infront of you, he sat down then lit the candle on the cake. “I tried to bake one but it turned out to be garbage so I’m not gonna do that to you since you’re my best friend.”

“Thank you, Chris.” You told him after blowing out the candle “And don’t worry about Sebby, he doesn’t know my birthday so I didn’t really expect him to be here.” Your face betrayed your words. You had wanted him to be there and you know that it was wrong but for the past few months that you had been living here, this had been your home and to celebrate your birthday here with him would’ve been amazing but, it just wasn’t meant to be.

“So, after we eat. Where do you want to go? I’ll keep you company since your Prince Charming won’t be here. Till probably next week.”

“I wanted to go to Disneyland but—“

“It won’t be as fun without Seb. I know.” Chris said the words that you were thinking of. “Hey, its just the two of us here. Its okay.”

“I want to go to a beach. Somewhere secluded though, like where no one will care who we are.” Chris’ face lit up and then he assured you that he had the right place. You told him to give you thirty minutes to shower and get dressed so that the both of you can leave immediately.

Sebastian just finished filming his scenes. They started at 10 in the evening and its 6:35 in the morning he hasn’t had sleep or ate anything but it was amazing to be back on a set and film for a movie. When he got to his trailer the first thing he checked was his phone. He was hoping that you had messaged him or something like that, but you can only imagine the look of disappointment in his face when he saw Chris’ name instead of yours.

>>I’m leaving with Y/N. We’re going to the old town.

Sebastian frowned as he re-read the message. Why were you going with him to Old town? Why is Chris taking you there? These kinds of questions ran through his mind but he couldn’t ask Chris that. IF he did, Chris wouldn’t let it go, instead he just replied—

<<Why are you telling me this?

His right leg was bouncing up and down as he waited for Chris’ reply. He remembered the time when Chris told him that Old town was the most romantic place that he could think of. It was filled with old memories and is a great place to start a new one. Oh god. What if Chris confesses to Y/N? What if they kiss?

>>Because I’m a good friend and since she told me that you didn’t know, I’m letting you know. It’s her birthday today. You might want to do something about it.

It was your birthday. And he’s not there to celebrate it with you.

>>look Seb, I know you can’t make it so at least give her a call? She misses you. I can tell.

>>She’s done. We’re leaving.

>>Greet. Her.

Sebastian was pissed, mad at himself because he didn’t even bother asking you about those things. He wanted to celebrate them with you. And now, knowing that you’re celebrating it with Chris? That thought made him jealous. He shouldn’t be feeling this way but he can’t help it when you make it so easy to fall in love with you and at the same time you make it hard for him to be with you. You’re an amazing person and he doesn’t know if you would want to be with someone like him. If you’re willing to step into the limelight and deal with the attacks that the media would most definitely throw at you if the two of you got together.

He just doesn’t think that he’s worth all of that.

Chris woke you up when the two of you arrived at the place. Stepping out of the car you stared in awe at the beautiful scenery infront of you. “My grandfather gave it to me before he died. He asked me to take care of it.” He told you as he opened the back of the pick up alive. Living in the city is great but nothing beats a quiet place like this one. Seb would always ask me to take him here.”

“Sebby’s been here?” you asked him as you sat down and grabbed the beer he was offering.

He nodded and told you that Sebby would either be floating in the water or sitting against a tree reading a book.

It was pretty obvious that no one comes here except for the people that Chris invites. There was a tall gate and fences surrounding the place. The water in the lake reminded you of Sebby’s eyes. They were blue, full of emotions. And just like his eyes, you were so ready to dive in it head first wanting to get lost in its mysteriousness and beauty. The trees surrounding the lake made you feel secure rather than terrified, the cool air ran through your hair and you smiled. Chris did have the right place in mind.

“So, when do you plan to tell Seb that you like him?” You shook your head at the question and then rolled your eyes. “I told you, its not like that Chris.”

“Why are you so scared?” he asked not letting the topic go, you closed your eyes and took a deep breath.

“Because he’s with Margarita, and because even if he’s not with anyone why would anyone want to be with me?”

“Y/N, stop selling yourself short. Besides, Seb had alread—“

“The thing is. I’m not selling myself short. I’m just telling the truth. The people he dated, I mean just looking at Margarita—Jesus, I’m nowhere near his standards okay?”

“What if he likes you?” Chris looked at you with sadness in his eyes that you couldn’t quite figure out why.

“Then he’s stupid, and even then it’ll be scary.”

“Why?”

There was a sad smile in your face, “Because what if I love him too much? Or worse, what if I won’t be able to give him the same amount of love that he’ll give me?”

Chris took your hand and squeezed it, “Y/N, you can’t keep on letting your idea of love ruin love itself. Love is scary and unpredictable and full of heartbreaks but that’s isn’t everything that love is. Love can make you happy, can make you stronger, can make you want to keep going. Why are you so scared to be happy?”

You shrugged taking back your hands you ran then through your hair. “Because when I am, then there will be that inevitable realization that at any given moment that happiness can be taken away from me and..”

“And what?”

“And I don’t know if I could continue living know that there’s someone as amazing as he is  out there. At least if I don’t act on my feelings I won’t have to face that right?”

--

Next Chapter

[eaglebones-falconhawk]

ok. heres a write up of my astro weekend. sorry it’s so long. 

...or at least everything i can remember. 

i guess i’ll go in order. 

thursday: 

thursday was in athens. i sat around my airbnb room for a bit and then finally decided to go check out a shop around 2 pm. well apparently that fuckin shop was literally next door bc as soon as I turned around from loading up the parking meter, Birdstuff was there with the sound guy (his friend). I said hi and we talked for a bit, then I went into the store. I got a cool sweater and a cute dress and the girl at the counter took my picture to put on their instagram.  I checked out a few more shops in the area before I went back. Also, Reel Big Fish were playing literally right up the road and I heard them rehearsing. 

I got to the venue right before the doors opened and ran into a guy from the fan facebook group. we talked for a bit and he said he flew in from new york for the show. super nice dude. I went in and no one checked if i had a ticket or id’ed me or anything. kinda weird. Anyway i just kinda sat there for a while while people came in. avona nova waved at me when she showed up, then coco said hi later while I was talking to someone. the other guy was like “you know that guy...i feel like i should know him!” I had to tell him who it was, I thought that was pretty funny. 

I also saw Birdstuff again before their set. He gave me a setlist but only if i promised not to look at it. I shoved it in my pocket and forgot about it til the next day. lol.  Their set was really good. They opened with one of my favorite songs, and played the MST3K theme song. They also played one new song. Coco grabbed my head during one of the intro samples. Birdstuff also fed a chunk of pizza to the guy next to me.  Oh shit, I almost forgot about Pylon. They played before astroman and were AMAZING. Also Vanessa (the singer) told me she liked my jacket when i picked up their new record from the merch table. I’m really really glad I got to see them.

After the set I stuck around to say hi and stuff. Me and my new buddy from the facebook group both talked to coco for a bit. I showed him my tattoo and he said he’d make sure i’d be on the guest list for the rest of the weekend buuut that never happened. I dont think he was lying or forgot but I never did get on that guest list :/. I gave him and everyone but star crunch some stickers. Avona Nova asked me about my shoes, and she was so into them. It was adorable! I love her.  That’s about it for thursday night.  Friday: 

The friday show was in atlanta. I went to check out the botanical gardens in athens before i left town. it was unsurpisingly not that great on the last day of november but i still enjoyed it. it was nice to go for a peaceful walk through nature and i still got to see some cool plants. I left and drove to atlanta and went to my favorite shop in little 5 points, then left because i didnt wanna deal with people or traffic anymore. (i still got stuck in traffic). I did get a cool MoAM magnet though. 

The show in atlanta was in the same place i saw them last year- except they expanded so the venue was about twice as big. i got there kinda early (they also opened the doors way later than advertised) so i sat with one of birdstuff’s friends/the sound guy for a while. hes a really nice guy and showed me pictures of his cats. he also introduced me to some other people that work at saturn.

the merch table was on the old stage and i fell a little bit and almost spilled my drink on star crunch who was unloading tshirts. he was like “oh...hi”. after the show he told me his dog died :/

 the first 2 opening bands were kinda weird but i had fun watching them. Arcwelder played and I really enjoyed seeing them. I think i’m gonna try and get some of their cds. I saw coco in the audience again and i think he waved at me but i cant remember if he said hi. my new buddy was kind of impressed that any of the band members did say hi though. lol.  i think avona nova musta said hi that night too bc at some point he was like “you’re like the astro-insider”. I thought it was hilarious. 

The set for this night was pretty great. they opened with With Automatic Shutoff again but it sounded way better. they also did a few improv songs, and played the mst3k song again, but it wasnt on the set list. Coco fell at some point during the set and kicked me in the face a little bit. I told him afterward and he felt really bad. He also knocked over one of the monitors when he fell, and i had to hold it up with 2 other guys to keep it from falling. I got to wear coco’s helmet for a minute but its heavy and smelly so i put it on someone else as soon as i could. also henry (the guy who put all the shows together as his birthday party) told me he was really glad i came. it was kinda weird but it was nice. kinda made me wanna cry though. 

After the show i stuck around for a bit. this time i did get to talk to the band a bit more. I asked star crunch how he was doing and he was like “i’ve had better weeks....my dog just died” UM. OKAY. he did seem really sad though. i feel bad for him. hes such a nice man. We talked for a bit and I gave him some of the stickers i made.  birdstuff knew i was going to drive from atlanta to birmingham for the next show so he offered to find me a place to stay as they all claimed “the drive back was really boring”. star crunch was like “you could stay with my parents, my dad could teach you how to line dance.” lmao. him and coco also told me about a time they apparently both interviewed and applied for the same job, with the idea that theyd both work the same position for like half the year and get twice the amount of work done, so they could tour the rest of the year. i had to tell him that basically the same thing happened in an episode of its always sunny in philadelphia. lmao. i talked with them all for a while before they started leaving and stuff. i mean i didnt have anything better to do. i said see ya later and got an uber home. my airbnb was cold as shit and i didnt sleep very well. 

saturday: 

the saturday show was at Saturn in Birmingham. and it was perfect. i slept as late as i could then just chilled in my airbnb (it was a converted airstream trailer- hella cool but kinda cold in late november/early december) until it was time to go. i packed all my shit but wasnt really sure if i wanted to stay in Bham because i figured i’d have to stay with a stranger or something. the drive from atlanta to birmingham really wasnt that bad, but i’m also not a 40 year old man. I got to bham way earlier than i expected so i went and tried to get something to eat. the sandwich i ordered was amazing but i just wasnt hungry. did i  mention i have appetite issues when i travel? because i barely ate anything all weekend. anyway i went to saturn and just sat around for a while til i met another person from the facebook group. which was nice, because i basically wasn’t alone at any of the shows. this guy was also super nice. avona nova came up and said hi and asked me about video games? i wasnt feeling good and i was really confused when she said that. it was still cool she said hi though. she’s so sweet. 

once again i wasnt on the setlist even though coco told me twice he’d make sure i was on there. i was kinda mad about it til he came up before their set and asked if i got in okay. (he also startled me when he did this because he came up from behind).  Arcwelder played again this show and they were really good again. Tar was also super good and the singer told me he liked all my space shit after the show. he was really nice. 

This show was played on the floor with a huge parachute as a backdrop. it looked awesome and made for a nice intimate setting. the band came through the audience instead of from the back and scared the hell out of me when they came up from behind me. 

This show was probably my favorite of the whole weekend. I think the set was a little longer but they also just sounded great. 

early on in the set star crunch’s microphone was like, electrified and it shocked him in the middle of a song. he put his guitar up to it to prove it and there was a bright spark. someone said “put a sock on it” so coco, being the fucking weird man he is took his shoe off and offered his sock to star crunch. but like its a sock and your mouth goes real close to the mic so he was like “no!!” coco just threw his fucking sock into the audience and played half the show with only one shoe on til the rest of the band made him put the other one on (with no sock). 

the theremin broke at some point during the set (it fell...but a cymbal also fell and broke the cord. who knows which truly broke it) so they almost didn’t play principles unknown, but birdstuff had the sound guy put a bunch of reverb on the mic and made coco do the fucking theremin noises with his mouth. and it was fucking incredible. he did it like, perfectly and TBH it was amazing to witness. i got it on video and i’m so glad i did. 

coco put the space helmet on me again during this show, and i tried to take a selfie with it but it didnt save :/. oh well. it got passed around the audience and everyone that got it seemed super happy. 

they played the mst3k song one more time this show, and birdstuff dedicated it to me :) he said something like “she drove all the way from fucking new zealand!” and this guy with a real heavy southern accent tapped my shoulder and was like “new zealand?” no...just iowa. lmao. it was so cool he did that, though. i’m really hoping someone recorded the whole show so i can go back and listen to it later. 

birdstuff did his regular drum kit sculpture but this time he stole a bunch of people’s belts (yes....he asked the audience for belts and then took them) and hung the snare drum from the ceiling. the second funniest part of the show was watching people try to find their belt from the pile. 

after the show i saw another guy in a jumpsuit so i went to tell him i liked it, just for solidarity i guess? turns out he went to high school with coco. weird! he was a super friendly guy and was kind of enthralled with my outfit. he took a picture with me and coco lol. 

I asked coco if i could take a picture with all 4 of them. i hadnt done it yet and i was like why not! its a special weekend!. he was like “yeah! if we can get everyone all together” which yeah, took a while. i also made sure i asked star crunch since he usually disappears first.

there were some teenage girls there who were trying to get the band’s autographs, and it was awesome. they were nice and i hope they had a good show. one of them told me she thought star crunch was cute. lmao. i kinda wish i’d gotten some autographs but i had such a good weekend, it doesn’t matter. 

i hung around until finally we got everyone in one room so we could take a picture. my bud for the night from the facebook group also got to take a picture with them. 

birdstuff asked again if i wanted to stay there, and i was like “sure!” mostly just so i could say i did it. man, it was an awesome place. they put in  some rooms and bunks above the venue so bands could sleep there. none of the bands that played that night stayed though, so i got the whole front room to myself. birdstuff showed me around and tried to get netflix on the tv to work but couldnt so he just showed me where the dvds were. i found a simpsons dvd and watched that. 

let me tell you- staying the night in saturn, watching the simpsons after an amazing MoAM show where they dedicated a song to me and then i got to hang out with them for a bit, that’s my idea of heaven. it was such a perfect night. i also took some pictures in the upstairs of saturn, partially because i wanted to be able to prove i was there, but also because the art and decorations were fucking awesome. such a good night. 

i did have to take a shower without a shower curtain though. birdstuff couldnt fix that. i didnt even care though. 

sunday:

the sunday show was in atlanta again, at a place called whirlyball. now what i didnt know about this place was that its not a fucking venue but basically an arcade. or well, more like, its this sport played on bumpercars with lacrosse sticks. theres 2 courts and a few games in the lobby, oh and theres a stage too. what a weird place. i was starting to feel sick by this day so i just sat on the couch for a while. avona nova sat on the couch next to me and we talked for a minute, and the others said hi when they saw me. 

i watched people play whirly ball for a bit, chilled while the first band played, then while the next band set up i went and found a bar chair in the lobby. one of the OTHER guys from the facebook fan group came and said hi and gave me an envelope with a ton of cool MoAM flyers in it. he also printed one of the pictures i took at the friday show and made me a custom record with that as the insert cover. it was fucking awesome but unexpected, i hadnt seen this guy all weekend even though he was at the other georgia shows. 

this was an all ages show so there were a few kids there. (including coco’s kid, she was adorable). pretty standard set again. i was feeling kinda crappy so this show felt weird to me, but it was still a lot of fun. at the end they pulled up a few kids to play bass and drums, and it was awesome. i found those kids after the show and gave em some stickers. they were so excited. 

i waited around after the show for a while again. avona nova told me she was gonna find the merch they brought so i could get some pins for my friends but mostly i didnt want to leave. she also asked if i wanted to take another picture with all 4 of them but star crunch and birdstuff were out of sight so i just took one with her, and then coco. shes so sweet. 

i met one more dude from the facebook group, this time a guy that came with his kid. they were both so excited to be there and it was adorable. he saw one of the pictures i had posted of a huge leaf i found at the georgia botanical gardens and showed me one he had taken earlier that day of his son with the same type of big fucking leaf (it was as big as him!). I gave them some stickers, and then they left. i think they had a bit of a drive. 

i hung around for a bit longer, talked to a few more people but there wasnt anything special really. some ladies really liked the jumpsuit i wore (lol). eventually i was ready to leave and birdstuff gave me a hug ( :)) ). he was worried about me driving back and offered to find me a hotel room. he also said to “make sure you stop at a rest stop if you start getting tired” which is exactly what my mom would say, lmao. it was sweet though. i said goodbye to him and daniel (the sound guy) and left. 

i got gas and then cried while i was driving because i had such a perfect weekend and i wasnt really ready for it to end. but like i was getting sick and ready to go home. anyway i drove home overnight (like 10 hours). 

anyway i had the most fun i’ll probably ever have for the rest of my life and it was worth the long fucking drive. my only regret is being too anxious to eat and not doing more shopping. 

thanks for reading this, if you did in fact do so. part of this was just to act as a journal if i want to go back and look at it later. 

sorry its so long. 

[willgayers]

uhhhh i need a reddie as parents hc

oh my god yes!!!!!

planned together w @remushlupin again

its also long again. do i even need to say this anymore??? all my hc’s are long i cant write them short sue me

lets assume they have a boy and a girl (*cough* neil patrick harris & david burtka *cough*)

so ever since the kids first arrived at the shared household of tozier and kaspbrak,,, richie would not put the polaroid camera out of his hands

he’d be taking pictures of the kids CONSTANTLY in every situation ever. bath time? absolutely. messy spaghetti for lunch? you bet your ass. play time on the floor? DEFINITELY. eddie changing the diapers? even then.  

“RICHIE ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RN?”

“well what! we gotta memorize everything!”

“nOT EVERYTHING”

richie’s also constantly emailing the photos to the rest of the losers because he’s such a proud dad

“this is rhiana eating. this is rhiana outside playing in the leafs. this is rhiana taking a bath. this is rhiana sleeping. this is rhiana —”

“okay richie great pics!!” (please no more)

“thanks! now here’s liam watching tv. here’s liam with the neighbor dog. here’s liam in his favorite overalls isn’t he just so CUTE—”

so many shopping for baby clothes!!! beverly’s also bought so many like every time she sees a cute baby overall or something she buys it immediately

they basically have so many colors like all the colors of rainbow

(obviously)

once the kids get a little older like around 4-6 all they wanna do is watch disney movies!!! and eddie and richie are down with it of course

just imagine reddie + kids movie night???? all of them cuddled up on the couch??? with a bowl of popcorn??? under a blanket????

mulan is rhiana’s favorite and little mermaid is liam’s favorite

richie of course learns how to do the voices to all the funny disney characters, his best ones are sebastian and mushu though and the kids LOVE them!!!! they love them so much and it just drives richie to do the voices even more so eventually eddie has to forbid him from doing them around bedtime because the kids will never stop giggling and every time they giggle richie’s heart expands like a trillion times so he will just continue with the impressions and it’s a CYCLE

in case you were wondering, richie’s the stay at home dad. i repeat, richie’s the stay at home dad!!!!!

he definitely does the laundry and dishes wearing a baby blue apron

eddie’s working 9 to 5 as an accountant and he fucking hates the job

richie and the kids decide to cheer him up and call him facetime calls and eddie’s immediately feelin better :“)

also. whenever eddie has to work a long day he comes back home to a ready bubble bath,, a warm prepped meal and a glass of red wine

eddie knows it’s gonna happen every time he’s coming home late but somehow he always forgets? so whenever he comes home and opens the door to see the dim lighted kitchen with a candle on the table next to his foil-covered plate and the wine glass he nearly bursts out in tears

richie’s a very caring husband™

but not that great with dressing up the kids

*one night when richie’s taking liam to the movies*

“honey … what is liam wearing???”

“he’s wearing fashion.”

“is that a… baby hawaiian shirt???”

“LIAM RUN TO THE CAR!!!!!”

anyway,,, how cute would christmas times be too?? like baking gingerbread cookies all of them around the kitchen counter together while listening to christmas songs ,,, richie and eddie forgetting about the kids for a moment when richie accidentally gets some red sugar frosting on eddie’s nose and eddie’s like “omg what did you do!!!” and richie says “you’re rudolph now” and boops his nose,,, and eddie just swoons and oh WOW they’re in LOVE and some disgustingly cute heart eyes to each other are exchanged before richie leans to kiss him and the kids go “EWWWWWWWW!!!”

imagining this just added 10 years to my life

richie literally spoils them SO MUCH

*reddie shopping for christmas presents*

“richie what is that?”

“it’s the doll house rhiana asked for”

“uhh yes and it’s also 200 dollars”

“,,, it’s the DOLL HOUSE ,, RHIANA ASKED FOR”

richie would fetch them the moon from the sky if they asked for it

also imagine the christmas mornings ,,, richie and eddie on the couch snuggled next to each other with cups of coffee/tea,, with smiles on their faces watching as the kids open the presents and it’s literally just the photo of a perfect family on a snowy xmas morning 

well lets fast forward a little again, the kids are like 8-10 now

rhiana has the prettiest dark, curly hair and her eyes are brown and beautiful

liam has light hair, it’s kind of like dirty blonde and he’s got blue eyes

rhiana has a lot of friends over all the time and eddie’s always making food and/or snacks and bringing them to the kids 

liam has like three good friends and they’re also constantly over but they’re mainly inside liam’s room playing video games. (or secretly listening to britney spears)

rhiana does karate and liam plays soccer

richie always drives them to school and practices ,, eddie always picks them up

they’re definitely at every competition/game cheering

“THATS RIGHT! KICK HIS ASS! KICK HIS ASS RHIANNA!”

that’s not richie by the way. that’s eddie

and at liam’s soccer games they definitely have the big foam thumbs and self-made cheer sheets

whenever liam scores richie’s gonna tap the person next to him on the shoulder and be like “tHATS MY SON!!”

and that one time when liam did the winning score,,, oh my god eddie screamed and richie accidentally threw his nachos to the air

at one karate competition, rhiana got kicked a little too hard and she fell on top of her shoulder, dislocating it

eddie and richie had sort of an argument after this,, whether or not they’re gonna let rhiana continue

eddie doesn’t want his daughter anywhere NEAR the karate ring anymore and richie thinks that if rhiana wants to continue she should

however she doesn’t want to do it anymore and richie notices she’s super sad all the time, so he suggests a new hobby and rhiana is like “like what?”

richie’s like well how about i teach you how to play guitar!!

rhiana learns acoustic guitar in like a freaking week and she gets so excited about musical instruments so she learns how to play piano and fipple flute and ukulele and wow richie’s so proud

liam gets interested in instruments too now that he has to listen to his sister practice in her room 24/7 (because of course richie bought her her own piano too), so liam learns how to play the bass

“kids, i think we should start a garage band!”

eddie cutting in between with slightly nervous laughter

“i think NOT, richie!”

lord knows eddie couldnt take it

times of horror ahead at the age of 12-13

so many “I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU BOTH!!!!“s

…because they weren’t allowed to play video games after 11pm anymore or go to slovenia with their best friend’s family or buy the shoes that cost 150$

(even richie’s getting a little strict now because eddie keeps on telling him this is your fault you spoiled them too much and now they walk around thinking im gonna buy them a fucking 2000$ smartphone)

richie’s hurt because his imitation voices aren’t funny to the kids anymore, instead they say he’s stupid and childish

wait did i say richie’s hurt? i meant richie’s heartbroken

because his kids his babies his best friends don’t want him around anymore they push richie away and rhiana even told him to ”get a fucking life, dad!!!!“

they definitely won’t let richie take any photos to the "baby photo” books that turned into a little longer than expected

so one night eddie walks upstairs to find richie crying in the bedroom with his head in his hands

“honey what’s wrong???”

“they hate me”

“richie they adore you. they’re just teenagers it’ll go away you know it”

and it does go away thankfully,,, and at the age of 15-16 they’re almost back to normal again. but now they’re just so teenagers

richie’s the good cop and eddie’s the bad cop 

one time liam comes home high

fun little fact; they’re looking after their neighbor susan’s cat for a week because she’s traveling and richie is stroking the cat on his lap as he speaks

(you know how bad guys turn around on the chair)

“well well well,,, look who decided to come home”

eddie has one leg thrown over the other and hands resting on top of his other knee with such a strict look on his face

liam goes pale as he turns around, his eyes are so red and he’s just. definitely not there

richie tilts his head

“are you… are you high?”

liam just looks at him before shaking his head slowly. like. way too slowly

“shit you got any left?”

eddie gasps and slaps richie’s arm who immediately then blurts out

“i MEAN— sHAME ON YOU, LIAM, THAT IS AWFUL AND THAT IS WRONG!”

later that night richie tries to get some sexy times but eddie’s still mad at him

“oh come on eddie it wasn’t that bad”

“yOU ASKeD yOUR SiXTEeN YEAR OLd SON IF HE HaD ANY WEED LEFt fOR yOU!!!!”

“…okay i guess it was a little bad but-”

next week rhiana wants to go to a party

surprisingly tho, richie won’t let her

she asks this over dinner and she on purpose asks this from richie directly because she’s sure he’s gonna say yes

“so dad there’s this party on friday and-”

“no.”

eddies eyes widen, rhianas jaw drops and liam raises his brows but he’s lowkey gloat that his sister gets told no for a chance

“what???”

“you heard me” richie just guides a piece of the steak to his mouth

“this steak is very good honey” he just speaks like he just didnt forbid something from his daughter

“thank… you”

“excuse me but why am i not getting to go to the party??????” rhiana is like uHhh WTF dad

“because i said so”

liam snorts

“OH MY GOD!!!”

“:)” richie

“but EVERYONE is going!!!!!”

“i don’t care you are not”

“LIAM WENT TO A PARTY LAST WEEKEND!!!”

“liam’s sixteen”

“I AM FIFTEEN”

“yes so wait one more year”

“!!!!UGH!!!”

liam decides to take advantage of this

“hey so uh, johnny invited me to this-”

“no.”

“???huh???”

“i said no”

“BUT YOU JUST SAID I COULD GO BECAUSE IM SIXTEEN”

“yes, and last weekend you got home high”

“BUT-”

“no buts. liam, you are… what do you call it…”

silence

“ah, right. grounded”

“GROUNDED???”

“really?” even eddie asks, confused

“YOU CANT GROUND ME A WEEK LATER, DAD”

“says who?”

liam is just gaping

“thats what i thought”

eddie’s lowkey turned on and needs to take a sip of some ice cold water in his glass

at the age of 17-18 liam starts dating some girl from his high school and both richie and eddie love her she’s a very sweet girl!!

she’s at the house constantly and now both eddie and richie realize that rhiana’s never once mentioned having a boyfriend?? and now they’re confused because she’s gorgeous and smart and funny and everything

richie thinks he’s such a scary dad that no guy would even dare to approach her

eddie just snorts and mumbles a "sure…”

one time eddie and rhiana are having some quality time together at the mall and eddie brings up the relationship subject even though him and richie agreed not to bring it up but hE CANT HELP IT

“so… any cute guys at your class?”

rhiana gets so pissed off and storms out of the restaurant and won’t talk to eddie for the rest of the day and eddies so confused like what did i do wrong??? honey i’m so sorry???? but rhiana won’t answer she just sulks for the whole car ride

when they get home she locks herself in the room and won’t come out and eddie has to tell richie that he asked her and richie’s like why would you do that and blah blah blah

anyway then richie goes up to knock on rhiana’s door

“GO AWAY!!!”

“it’s me”

silence

the door opens

rhiana’s eyes are all teary and her lower lip is shaking and richie’s heart drops at the sight

“,,,baby what’s wrong??”

rhiana bursts out in sobs and richie steps in to her room,,, pulling her to a hug and she just cries and cries

richie then asks again what’s wrong and suggests sitting down and talking about it

“i… the reason why i… haven’t… brought a boyfriend home is… because…”

“yes???” richie asks, his voice soft

rhiana sniffs

“honey you can tell me anything okay???”

“its because im gay, dad”

richie doesn’t say anything for a moment

it’s not because he’d be shocked but because why would his daughter feel awful about telling this to him??? to eddie?? her parents are gay,, she shouldn’t feel like this,,, but clearly something or someone has made her feel like it’s wrong and now richie feels so sad

“okay.” he just says

rhiana blinks

“o-okay?”

“okay. so you’re gay. lovely!”

rhiana lets out a stuffed-nose laugh

“really? that’s it?”

“well we can throw a parade if you want to”

rhiana just hugs richie and murmurs a “i love you dad”

she then gets the courage to tell eddie too and eddie tries not to cry because he’s actually so happy??? that his daughter is so brave to tell both him and richie ?? like he never would’ve had the guts and he never even did tell his mom he’s dating richie before they were 19 and richie pROPOSED but here his daughter is at the age of 17 ,,, and he tells her she should never be ashamed of herself and honestly the two of them have a long heart-to-heart conversation that really just,,, brings them so much closer than they ever were

liam,,, in his hetero relationship however…

“YOU BROUGHT A GIRL IN TO THIS HOUSE TO HAVE SEX????”

“eddie calm down. they’re eighteen-”

“SEX??? INSIDE THIS HOUSE??!!”

richie just ignores eddie and asks liam,,,

“just tell me you were at least using a condom?”

“yeah”

“a cONdOM??? YOU— oh MY GOD YOU KNOW WHAT A CONDOM IS!”

“baby isn’t that a good thing? the kids are being safe!”

“A CONDOM, RICHIE!!! SEX!! LIAM IS HAVING SEX!”

“okay can we PLEASE stop saying sex?!?!!,”

“THATS WHAT YOU’RE DOING! IF YOU’RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO SAY IT YOU’RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE IT!!!!”

“oh come on babe we were like sixteen when we first-”

liam gags and eddie gasps

that was a long, long night and a conversation for all of them. also painful

for poor liam especially

anyway overall they’re just the greatest family ever

ikea shopping together

painting the kitchen walls together and eating chinese takeaway food on the floor

disney land trips

family vacations 

movie nights

watching the ball drop from the tv at new years and shooting some fireworks from the backyard

(richie nearly set the house on fire once or twice tho)

when the kids were younger and it was date night and babysitters were needed…. losers club to the rescue!

stan and bill as godfathers,,, they always take the kids to museum tours or great restaurants

mike is their favorite because sheep,,, cows,,, chickens!!!! also he shows them pretty places and photos from when richie and eddie were teens which is funny because what the fuck is richie wearing and why does eddie have two fanny packs?????

ben and beverly always take them to cute ice cream shops or play board games with them

and when richie and eddie come back home/pick the kids up they’ve literally just missed them so much

PARENTS!REDDIE FOR LIFE

@superbyersbros @xbell22 @donthateonk8 @stenbroughbros@reddiebrekmyheart@itsgreywaterrichie @donvex @blueeyespurpleskies@ageorgymi@oh-youre-the-worst@eddiekaaspbraak @whipashwhipash @rissyq @richietoaster@edskasqbrak@urtury@bukiminajimu @kcutieeesblog @stansmansuris @adorefack @reddieaddict@icyeyes102@denbroughbill @graveyardshipper @taletellingsir@anxiety-freak-yuuri@rheddie@queertrashmouth @richiefreakingtozier@castletozier @tohzier @80soleff @lonewolfhard@low-key-dying @sad-synth @richietoaster @badboyharrington @beepbeep-losers@temptedtozier@kaspbraccs@kylieee827-blog @sad-synth @low-key-dying@officiallyreddie@reddietofall @stanleyboii @eternitynurarms@remushlupin@turtleneckrichie@rosegoldrichie @80srichie@asteroidbill@lonewolfhard @trashmouthgazebos @littlepointman 

[15001700tt]

Mix And Match

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 4. Part 5. Part 6.

Part 3

After the wedding, i moved to his castle since it was more convenient. Since then i became more acquainted with his home. Occasionally i do get lost but one of his brothers or mates are always around and they help me find my way back.

It was the day where my cousins and I get to meet the remaining two guys. They have been so involved in the war that they had no time to come by. But it was understandable it was getting worse each day, and i could sense it brewing without werewolf heightened senses.

Jong In was also getting restless each night having to wake at the crack of dawn to finish some planning. The dark circles under his eyes get deeper as the days go on i am surprised he hasnt passed out. I brought it up to his attention but he always dismisses it and says hell catch up on sleep later. I dont believe him. But i cant do anything because he wont let me.

The warwas getting on my nerves and i was ready to fly over there and end the war myself. Today is much needed as anyone can see, i am very tense and grumpy and the girls havent had time to talk to me and are getting whisked away by their parents for possible suitors back at home. Hyun Jin is devastated that she doesnt get to fall in love, and Ji Mi just refuses to marry a complete stranger.

As Jong In sat next to as we waited for our guests his head lolled to the side until it slumped against my shoulder. His deep breaths confirmed that he fell asleep. I rolled my eyes before moving him to lay against my lap for more comfort on his part since this is most likely the only nap he will get today or maybe for the next week.

The first one to arrive is Hyun Jin, she came in a grim expression. Her eyes settled on our position before her face lit up ad she awed at out ‘cuteness’

“He couldnt stay awake” i excused. She shook her at us before muttering, “i wouldnt either if i had a war in my backyard”

“Well how are you doing with the influx of suitors?” i asked worriedly.

“Facing an army of vampires doesnt seem that bad anymore” she groaned before she came and sat next to, i started running my hand through her hair while keeping one in Jong In’s.

“I know hun, i wish it was easier”

“Ji Mi literally just chased away the last one but my guy was more sticky that the last” she huffed in annoyance. The doors opened one more time while Hyun Jin was mid sentence, “and the worst thing is he wasnt even trying to be gentle, he was pushing me around and being a total dick. And mid way through he tried to touch me, i almost thre-” a growl erupted from the figure standing by the door.

That seemed to wake Jong In up and grab hold of me. I caressed his face to show him that i was fine, but clearly the man at the door wasnt.

“Baekhyun” Jong In’s voice rang clear in the room, while Hyun Jin’s was more a breathy sigh. I could tell the days events took a toll on her from the way her face looked, all pale and no light that usually shines.

In an instant Baekhyun was next Hyun Jin and looking intently into her eyes, eyes slightly red, before another snarl rippled from his throat scaring Hyun Jin a little bit that she jumped.

“Who dared to touch you?” that seemed to snap Jong In’s haze and immediately he came and restricted Baekhyun and whispered in his ear. He seemed calmed a bit, he closed his eyes before opening them to a golden hue in them, then finally their normal shade.

I knew what this meant, i couldn't help the small smile that creeped onto my lips, a small gasp escaping my lips when JongIn flopped down on my lap again.

“You Are comfortable.” his only excuse.

“Honey we have guests” i told him

“it s fine, those guests are going to get really comfortable, so should we” he mumbled against my legs. I chuckled, i looked up to see that Hyun Jin had moved up from her seat and was standing in front the calm man who had a gentle smile on his face.

I listened in to their conversation when i couldn't help my curiosity, no remorse felt because she spied on my first day of courting.

“I am guessing youre Yong Sang’s cousin” he smiled cheerfully, “i am Byun Baekhyun, One of Jong In’s closest friends and knights” he introduced.

“You are correct, i am Song Hyun Jin” she curtseyed at him while batting her eyelashes at him innocently. Somehow that lead to them furiously hugging, my small gasp caused Jong In to chuckle.

“They went straight to the point didn't they?”

“You should be sleeping” i playfully snapped at him.

“Dont you think Ji Mi and Kyungsoo are taking too much time to get here?” he questioned looking at the slightly ajar door.

“What do you mean?” Baekhyun’s voice cut through the thick haze that surrounded me and Hyun Jin.

“I mean that i can both their footsteps really close but they havent ever met each other and i want to see that” he grabbed my hand and pulled me off the chair and dragged me soundlessly towards the open door. Hyun Jin following behind me and Baekhyun at the end. As we rounded the corner we saw the pair just making eye contact.

3rd POV

Kyungsoo’s eyes flashed gold before turning normal brown once again, he finally found her, whoever she is. Although he was pretty good at guessing, she’s Yong Sang’s cousin, if she was heading this way and he had never seen her before. He needed confirmation thought, he feels as if hes grasping at thin straws.

“I uh i am Do Kyungsoo, head knight” he introduced awkwardly before letting a charing smile grace his lips.

“Song Ji Mi at your service” she responded with a soft voice. She was drained from the events of today, if she could just go to her bed and sleep she was sure she can deal with it tomorrow. She was exhausted to no point and this attractive knight wasnt helping her poor brain.

Of course she knew who he was, she saw his pictures everywhere and he was also the reason for her embarrassment in Yong Sang’s wedding. Her barely functioning brain had successfully led her down the right corridor but she still doubted.

“uhm-I-I do not know if i am going the right direction to the room, would please help me?” she asked with grace even she couldn't believe she mustered.

“I dont think thats a good idea,” he paused before getting closer to her whispering, “theyre eavesdropping at the end of the hall.” her eyes widened in shock.

“I suggest we go to the kitchen because you look like you could use a meal.” he offered.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” she couldn't help but snap. “You are my mate” those simple words seemed to turn her whole world upside down, she stumbled back a step. He caught her.

“Are you ok?? You need to sit down” he held her up as he led her to the kitchen. Once they arrived he sat her down at the table. And rolled up his sleeves of the casual attire he wore.

“Wanna tell me about your day as i make you a delicious meal?” he suggested playfully, causing a small smile to bloom on her exhausted face.

“I chased away five suitors today, the last one was stubborn until i punched him right in the face, then he almost hit me,” she in took a breath to calm her frantic beating heart, also hearing a small growl leave his body frame. “Which would be bad for him because i am not trained like an assassin for nothing.” she continued causing Kyungsoo to turn his head and eyebrow raised.

“What? The king and queen thought it would be a good idea to give us some training if we chased away the guard they assigned us” she shrugged.

As time flew, so did the smell of whatever Kyungsoo was cooking because to her it smelled heavenly and mouth watering. He placed the dish in front of and sat down opposite of her so he could see her face better. Unlike the tired expression she held on their way here, now she looked like she was on cloud 9.

“I am glad you think it smells good but shouldn't you taste it first?” he smirked as she bobbed her head. She grabbed her eating utensil and put some of the dish in her mouth, her reaction almost immediate. He grinned as she moaned and grabbed another bite.

“Interesting” he murmured catching her attention, “my cooking won you over not my good looks which hurts my ego a little but but i'll get over it.” he stated with a small smirk.

“If you weren’t such a good cook I’d cut off your hands” she bashfully said.

“Gruesome, i feel bad for the suitors but then again, they didn't know better” he said with fake remorse, causing Ji Mi to roll her eyes at his tactics

“Do you know any better?” she questioned playfully, he scoffed and finally ate some of the food he prepared, “of course i wouldnt be your mate if i didnt”

“Doesnt mean you dont have to win me over” she tsked at his confidence.

“Thought i already did with my cooking” he countered.

“Maybe your fighting skills” she stated

“I am sure i can teach you something” he teased.

“Sure you can” she rolled her eyes, that seemed full of light now. She feels as though she can do this forever.

[spongeekat]

The 6 Times Peter Wanted To Reveal his Identity (And the 1 Time He Did) Chapter 2

read on ao3

Masterlist Here

As always, HUGE thank you to my beta reader @alurkerofnote who was super patient during my busy ass weekend! 

Day 2- Monday

“Peter?”

“Five more minutes, May…”

“Peter, dude, your phone won’t stop buzzing and the professor is getting annoyed.”

Professor? Shit.

Peter shot instantly awake, the blurry image of Mary Jane’s fire red hair permeating his sleep-heavy eyes. He gingerly picked his sore body up until he was sitting up, wiping the moisture that had gathered on his forehead away. As promised, the professor was making direct eye contact with him while she continued to speak, and her finger pointed sharply at Peter’s cell sitting on the edge of his desk. Sheepishly, he retrieved it and mouthed an apology. His thumbs drug the notification screen down, finding a few texts from an unknown number. He absently tried to listen to the lecture, but he must have slept through quite a few key concepts, because he had no idea what was being discussed. Well, just another night he’d have to spend teaching himself from the textbook.

Curiously he swiped until he arrived at his texting app, and the harassment he was receiving suddenly made sense.

hey petey-pie checkin in since u didnt message me

luv dp

u getting these???????? is this a fake number?

pls tell me u didnt die.

hellooooooooooooooo

im gonna sing until you answer

since uve been gone i been lost without a trace

i dream at night only i can see ur face

i look around but its u i cant replace

i feel so cold and i long 4 ur embrace

i keep cryin baby BABY PLEASE

OH CANT U SEEEEEEE

holy fuck balls this dude wont put down his gun ill finish the song later but pleeaaaaseee text me back <3 or ill come over

That last text was sent 3 minutes ago, and Peter could only imagine his poor next door neighbors’ faces if Deadpool decided to show up at their door. He hurriedly typed up a reply before that chance even came close to becoming reality, trying to ignore the romantic connotations of the song.

Sorry. In class. I’m doing fine. Not dead. Please don’t stop by. I live next to an elderly Hispanic woman that would have a heart attack if she saw you.

There was a uniform page turn in the rows surrounding him, and he took that as his cue to flip the page in his book. Wade hadn’t responded yet, and Peter briefly considered dipping out of school to make sure Mrs. Moreno wasn’t calling the police if Wade really had decided to show up.

i was calling my ride but im glad to hear back from u

do u need anything??

warm milk, a big hug, an xbox one?

“Who are you texting? You look like a dork.”

Mary Jane’s whispers distracted Peter from his stupor, and he realized then he had a grin tugging at his lips that had only appeared upon reading his texts. He wiped the stupid look from his face and sucked in a breath to give a well-thought out reply. “No one.”

“Ah.” The redhead pressed the tip of her pen against her rosy lips, giving Peter a knowing smile that had heat crawling up his neck. “A guy?”

“Oh my god, MJ, it’s not like that. I’m just on an app.” Peter whispered back more insistently, flipping his phone over on the desk. “Just funny pictures.”

“Mhmmm.” Mary Jane’s hum was too insincere, and it was clear she wasn’t about to let this go. “Well, you should get back to your ‘funny pictures’ before they disappear.”

“I will.” Peter murmured and swiped his phone from the desk, tucking it back under the edge of the desk. His eyes read over Wade’s texts a few more times, a few different responses dancing on his fingertips, before he finally decided to type.

I’ll be fine. Thanks for checking in.

In truth, these past few weeks had been brutal. Between tensions building in the city, accompanied by the rise of crime, and the press being hot on his ass every time he missed an opportunity to bring someone in to justice, he had been missing sleep and stressing harder about trying to become a more efficient hero in the city. The meal that Wade had forced on him was the first time he’d even touched real food in almost 2 weeks. Being pressured to have a ‘night-in’ had taken quite a lot of stress off of Peter’s shoulders for at least a day, but it also meant his body realized he was willing to let it rest for a little bit and was fighting him to try to catch up on more sleep. While the night before had been completely humiliating, it had been relaxing to be taken care of. For a little bit he and Wade had acted like more than a set of heroes, and the memory of his kindness was still burning hot in his mind.

But he wouldn’t let this go on for longer than a day. It was wrong to lie to him, even if it felt this good to pretend.

----

Being Spider-Man was simultaneously the biggest stressor and most freeing part of Peter’s day.

Saving lives and stopping crimes ranging from petty car thieves to mutant bank robbers was difficult. Balancing two lives that intermingled more often than Peter would have liked was even more difficult, often lying to the people he cared about the most just to keep them safe. It was hard navigating the grey-area between morally just and lawfully sound, and there were multiple occasions in which he felt like a criminal running from police after just busting a potential felon doing potentially bad things. He operated more along the lines of a vigilante than a hero in most cases, and it took a severe toll on his mental health. Especially lately, when the city seemed to be getting more dangerous as the presence of superpowered people increased, he had been slandered in media every which direction. Even Mary Jane praising his decisions had stopped helping. He felt like he was starting to become completely alone in the heroing thing.

And then there were the nights he was over the moon with ecstasy; adrenaline buzzing low in his ears, wind rushing up the corners of his mask and breezing over his lips, his webs snapping out from his wrists and catching his fall in perfect rhythm so he soared through the low city buildings like a bullet, his worries and stress melting off every second he spent in the air. Peter’s own personal drama and angst seemed to matter less when his focus was on helping others. No matter what was happening in his own life, he left it on the sill of his bedroom window. When he was out on the streets he was Spider-Man, not a kid struggling to keep his head above water. He had strength, allies, and a will to do good. Grades and sleep felt way less important than his obligation to New York.

Still, there were slip ups. Sometimes his lives intermingled uncomfortably close and he was left covering for both of his personas.

Peter didn’t expect Deadpool to be at this fight. His fists were preoccupied knocking a goon on his ass when the sharp zing of sharpened metal cut close to his ear. His spidey senses hadn’t gone off, warning him of the impending sword, and when he jut his chin back to check who was behind him, he knew why. They never went off when he was around Wade anymore, because he wasn’t in danger around him.

That didn’t stop the anxiety that flooded his chest cavity a second later, however. He had gotten close to making a smartass comment so they could commence their banter that took place during every fight, when the memory of who he was under the mask- who Wade was now acquainted with- hit him hard.

Shit.

“You weren’t planning to keep a good fight like this from bad ol’ me, were you? Spidey, I’m shocked!” Wade greeted as he kicked back one of the men running at him with a bat, slicing the object in two. He’d gotten pretty good at the injuring and the take-downs without the actual murder. Peter grunted in response, maintaining his focus on jabbing, webbing, and jumping out of the way when his instincts called for it. “And here I was, hoping I’d see that tight butt come swinging past me tonight.”

“Not now.” Peter muttered, ducking just in time to miss getting his skull bashed in by a dude with a crowbar. Why crowbars? Why were henchmen so obsessed with their crowbars?

“Aww, okay, I see. You’re mad at me. Was it for ditching you last night? Because I swear, I was doing good! See, there was this kid about to do a triple flip face plant into the asphalt behind my apartment, and I really wanted to make sure he was okay, ‘cause he was alone and it was late and stuff, and-”

“Can you not talk for like, a second?” Peter didn’t mean to use such an aggressive tone, especially not on Wade who deserved it the least, but hearing Wade talk about him to him when he didn’t even mean to… it was making his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. He slammed his knuckles into the jaw of one of the larger men surrounding him, receiving a crack in return. Oof, that would leave a bruise.

“Oooookay, Spider-ooni. I’ll let you focus.” Wade forfeited easily, catching a heavily swung and splintering 2 x 4 with his forearm.

Peter released a satisfied sigh that he didn’t really mean, his lean body hopping out of the way of a kick to the side before he shot a web at the attacker’s face.

---

The fight only lasted another few minutes. The goons, that had decided to test their pride rather than flee the scuffle they were at a clear disadvantage in, ended up face-down on the pavement, hands bound in web-handcuffs, and with a few broken noses or crooked arms scattered among them. Peter had been a bit too forceful tonight, he could admit, but it had been hard enough to focus on reeling in his strength when there was someone else on his brain.

And then said man had showed up and blew his head right open.

They were currently kicked back on a vacant apartment balcony, Peter sitting on the rails while Wade stood a few feet away but very much present, pulling off his gloves to assess the extent of the blood stains on his armor. It was chilly, and Peter knew he’d have to head home soon, but he couldn’t really deny Wade’s invitation to hang out for a little bit after all he had done for him the night before.

Even if Wade didn’t know he was the same kid he’d been ‘saving.’.

“Soooo…” Wade cut into his thoughts, his voice drawing Peter’s attention back to the surface. He glanced over at his fighting partner, surprised to see his face aiming off somewhere else. Wade acting timid was an odd sight. “You okay?”

“Huh?” Peter’s stomach churned and he blinked, even if the action was hidden by lenses. “Yeah?” No. “Why?”

“You’ve been acting funny, that's all.” Wade shrugged, and tucked his arms up against the balcony to lean on the rails. “You avoided me like all last week.”

“What? No I didn’t.” Peter said defensively, confusion clear in his voice. He had been making his plans for days, and sure, that may have lead to him feeling too awkward to really hang around Wade, but they just hadn’t seen each other that was all.

He hadn’t made an effort to find him until that night, though, either.

Wade paused, as if he was thinking of responding but decided against it, before his tone changed and he seemed to drop it all together. “Well, it’s okay, I did a lil’ heroing on my own anyways.”

“Oh really?” Peter asked with awkward amusement, tucking his ankles between the vertical railings to keep his balance a little better.

“Yup. I stopped a kid from killing himself and I’ve been checking up on him every day. I figured you’d be proud of me since you like all that righteous stuff.”

“So you only did it to impress me?” Peter asked flatly.

“What? No no no, Spidey, I did it because I didn’t wanna watch another good person die alone. Plus, if he was like bad or something I wasn’t gonna try very hard, but he was really hot- which I know, is totally shitty to think since he was getting ready to dive, but he just seemed like a depressed nerd and I guess that might kinda be my type. Actually, that’s not entirely true, because I like when someone can make me laugh, and long walks on the beach, and...”

Peter felt a tinge of jealousy in his stomach at his description of the boy he’d saved, which was ridiculous, considering it was him. He tuned out of Wade’s ramblings and squeezed tighter onto the railing, feeling the metal bending under his fingers. Maybe it was better to keep his identities secret. After all, Wade seemed so proud of himself for ‘helping’ Peter. Was it worth taking that away? He could just avoid Wade in his personal life. The man would give up if he realized his efforts weren’t being reciprocated and Peter stopped serving as entertainment.

That’s probably all he was. Charity fused with an audience.

“...But I guess that’s why I dated that crazy chick two years ago. She had a super cute face but she was also obsessed with ending the patriarchy and killing men. I think she stabbed me a few times in my sleep, too. But I guess crazy and crazy make a great match. Even if we ended pretty badly.”

“I think I’m gonna head back.” Peter announced, tucking his toes underneath himself until he was stood on the fence. Wade straightened, looking up at him inquisitively from the balcony floor. “I have an early morning.”

“We’ll meet up tomorrow night, though, right?” Wade asked hopefully.

“We’ll see.” Peter murmured, before he shot web fibers off into the dark and took off with a leap.

[depressed-alienn]

I shall say it here.

I met someone at university. Practices santeria. Not in the scary black magic way. Through him I've learned a lot about it, and its quite a beautiful religion. Honestly. He first told me a little by saying he sees a little boy that walks with me. Later learned it is Elegua. I have felt a connection with this man since I first met him last semester. (I realize now I will be jumping around the story a lot, so if anyone caring to read, sorry.) And that connection has truly grown stronger. Anyways, he saw I have elegua that walks with me. Holder of keys to all doors and paths. Essentially guiding me. He then told me about how I have Oshun protecting me as well. That I am a daughter of Oshun. Mind you, I wasnt religious before this. I mean I grew up catholic but decided I don't believe anything when I was like 15. So hearing all this, I can feel how truly genuine this man is. He isn't lying when he tells me he sees oshun with me very clearly. I have grown extremely attracted to this man. And he to me. However the spirits tell him he must marry this other woman, his girlfriend that he is apparently on a break from because he wanted to get away from her. She is depressed and undocumented and the spirits tell him he must marry her and help her. But he does not want to anymore. He tried for years and she didnt listen and it doesn't make him happy to be with her. She won't help herself so how can he be expected to carry this burden? Was told her depression is his fault because he walked away from her? That's toxic, and he sees that. But the spirits say he has to marry her. And he respects the spirits very much. But is questioning how it can be that he must be with this other woman that he no longer feels that love for anymore.

Anyway, here's where I come in. We both talked about it. We know and acknowledge that we have been attracted to each other since we first met last semester. That we like to be around each other. Feel something for each other. And it's crazy because we dont really know each other all that well. Yet there really is something there, I fucking feel it so deep in my soul.

Oh I guess I should mention, I totally believe in the spirits too now. You know how you gotta experience it to believe it? I experienced something that I cannot explain. On my field trip this past weekend, we were in the car teaching wendy and Bryan how to drive out in the middle of nowhere on the way home. Laughing because of how nervous bryan was. Me and wendy in the backseat giggling like school girls. And he turns and looks me right in the eye and says, remember what I said about no coincidences? (In his life, there are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason because he has already committed himself to being connected to the saints and spirits through a religious ceremony) I nod and realize hes talking about the CD that was playing in the car. He said how he didnt start the cd, it was on bluetooth, and just started playing on it's own. I know this too because I was there and I remember when it started playing and definitely no one did that. I didnt think much of it until he pointed it out and said the song playing was his religious family's song. It's an afro Cuban tune. Lot of drums. And I thought to myself wow I'm so happy right now. Good vibes good vibes good vibes. And then I felt it. My shoulders moving to the beat, like someone was dancing with me because of how much joyful energy was in the car at that moment. It was wonderful. I was incredibly truly happy. I believe in spirits because I was shown my true worth by opening myself up to the possibility. That's the best way I can describe.

So going back, you ever been rejected twice from something you didnt even ask for first? That's what's happened to me this week. I was basically told hey I know we are so attracted to each other, would be so fucking good together, a power couple of geographers, but I'm sorry we cant be together because the spirits say no. This was sunday. I drove home feeling so frustrated and cheated because of how unfair it was. The week goes on and we have classes together and theres the attraction still there of course. Growing stronger now because of the time we spent together over the weekend field trip. It's there and potent and we are both so aware of it.

Also, I started feeling better about myself in all of this. Being aware and acknowledging the spirits with me and how they have helped me, I've wanted to be better to myself as a thank you. Went to church, dress myself up(being a daughter of oshun and all), wearing red on monday, I just feel connected somehow. Lighting a yellow candle etc. I'm in a good mental head space.

So yeah, we are still so attracted to each other and yet again, today. Rejected. I didnt even say anything, didnt make a move, yet he knew what we were both thinking, both tempted. But he had to address it again, that he didnt want to upset the spirits and saints because he didnt want his blessings stripped from him because they've helped him so much. And I definitely see that too. He is a very successful man at such a young age. Doesn't want to jeopardize it for his sake and for my own. Doesn't want anything to happen to me for upsetting the spirits. So it was basically again, sorry, but it cant happen because it just cant.

And I don't know how to feel now.

I have no one in my life to talk to about these things, I think that's why I needed to just say everything here. This account that I've had since I was like 16 lol. I know probably no one is reading, it doesn't make a lot of sense i know, this is just something I want to document in my life right now. I never thought I'd experience something like this. I'm so frustrated and hurt. He even wants to take a semester off from school to stay away from me. Isn't that crazy? But i also understand. Just, ugh. What a fucking college experience for me damn. I got quizzes to study for now. Peace.

[asksansweredpdf]

1:  Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. i don’t have one particular favourite movie per se. but  star wars: i binge watched them at my friend’s house just before the ast jedi came out. i knew nothing about star wars and watched everything within 2/3 days. then, about a week later i watched the force awakens. and that was purely because we decided to watch the last jedi (which had just come out in cinemas) the next day. honestly, i didn’t care for star wars much skdjfhdjk but the force awakens really got me into it. and the last jedi fully sold me. then i went back and rewatched and i loooove the empire strikes back. now they’re my favourite movies. marvel: again, i hadn’t seen any marvel. but i had pretty much every friend i had yelling at me to catch up before end game came out. i loosely planned on watching them, but didn’t really get around to it until i got baked at a friends house and we had nothing to do. so we watched age of ultron and iron man and some others (i was too stoned to remember). i was sold i loved every second. and the fact that i was very high and rdj was very cute didn’t hurt. i went home the next day and watched ragnarok which happened to be probably the best movie i’d ever seen at that point. the next day, we got stoned again and watched infinity war. it was so fucked but amazing. i booked tickets for me and my dad to watch end game this saturday. 

2:  Talk about your first kiss. oh god. i was 15 and there was this guy who i thought was cool. he was a friend of my very gay crush at the time. me and the crush had a falling out later on. and a lot of other fucked up shit happened around that time period. i moved to his (the friend's) neighbourhood as it happened. we got talking because we had the same taste in music. and my best friend at the time put in a good word for me. i didn’t think of him as much more than a friend tbh, but my life was going to shit and i wanted to get out of the house ad have fun. so we organised to meet up at our town’s centre shopping place. i told my parents i was going with [insert random female names here] to hang out since we moved into a new place. they bought it and offered to drive me. i honestly thought we were just going to chill out and eat food. i was also nervous that this was a set up from his friend who was my crush, since the crush hated me and probably would have plotted to do something fucked. however, it turned out not to be a set up. we ended up walking around the suburb. this was much to my disapproval, because i was not very fit and had a strong dislike for exercise. he could tell i was tired and we decided to stop and sit down on this brick wall thing at the corner of a street. there was some terrible flirting on my part, and the next thing i know i was kissing this guy. i was pretty excited because every 15 year old girl wants their first kiss. and especially edgy ones who needed a distraction. i came home with no lipstick and chapped lips. lucky my parents were too busy to notice. 

3:  Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for.  most intense? i could list best friends, but in terms of intensity i think it would be this guy that i moved out with for the first time. i know this sounds terrible, but he was my best friend’s boyfriend at the time. i was pretty sure i was a lesbian at the time and i’m also not fucked up. so i wasn’t expecting this at all. because of the whole gay thing, and me being a flirty shit with anyone, i ended up very shamelessly flirting with him. he was sooo pretty, and im not just saying this. objectively, he is still probably one of the best looking people i’ve ever seen. and i own mirrors. anywayyyy, i took my sister to this lana del rey concert one day. not a lana fan personally, but borns was opening and i like him. turns out i like borns a lot. a hell of a lot. next day, i found myself talking to my best friend and her boyfriend and being like “hey i think i might be bi”. their reaction can be quoted as “oh cool okay.” the night after the concert, we got drunk. not a great idea, because i love to flirt when sober. so when i’m drunk and have literally 0 shame it’s a lot of fun but also an entire disaster. my friend bought her friend over and they were talking, which left me and the bf. the boys started teaching me self defence and were doing the whole smooth thing where they stand pressed up behind you and move your arms for you. they put me into headlocks and taught me how to get out and stuff. i was so drunk the ground kept spinning. a lot of terrible outrageous flirting ensued, like choking, touching adams apples, arm tickles, hugs that lasted 10 minutes while he had a knife in his pocket for whatever reason? more hugs like that but now featuring grinding. we slept in the same bed (just slept. nothing else. don’t get too excited). cuddling while in the same bed. laying on his chest and falling asleep. him playing with my hair. one time he played with my tiddies. this was over the course of like 9 months. whenever we werent 2 seconds away from like ..... jumping each other, we were just flirting in the most unsubtle way. obviously nothing happened, because he had a gf and everything. and as much as i didnt want to, i started to get some reeeeeal feelings. turns out the guy was a dick who only flirted with me whenever his gf wasnt paying attention to me. i later cut the whole thing off, and he started to act like a real dick to me. but yeaaahh. that was some intense shit. 

4:  Talk about the thing you regret most so far. probably not getting a license for any vehicle. that’s held me back so much the last 5 years. i wouldn’t have had to go through half the shit i did, if i could just drive

5:  Talk about the best birthday you've had. my 15th birthday! i had raspberry chocolate bullets, watched movies in class because it was end of term, my friends bought me presents to school. the guy i had a crush on came to where i was sitting and sung a song to me in front of everyone. i think my friend bought me a club penguin membership? i ate pide and played league with crush and crush’s crush.

6:  Talk about the worst birthday you've had. my 18th. i don’t want to talk too much about it because im very drunk atm but basically, i was suuuper depressed already that year. my mum was doing cocaine every spare second she could, and screwing men for it so she could get it for free (of course, none of us knew this at the time). whenever she wasn’t doing coke she was screaming at everyone for like, not taking pictures of her enough, or for eating dinner without asking her, etc. she and my dad were constantly either yelling at each other, or were 2 seconds away from yelling at each other. we went to a clothes shopping outlet. which i very outwardly expressed my hatred for, btw. my mum got mad because my dad told her not to look at clothes, because it was my 18th. my mum didn’t talk for the rest of the time we were in the shopping centre. i could feel the tension rising because they were in the 2 seconds away from having a fight period. i came home and watched sailor moon in my room alone. later my parents brought a cake and lit the candles. dad said to me “my god i am so sorry. this has been the most amazing birthday, hasnt it? you should thank your mother. she’s just the best. i’m so sorry! i never wanted this for you”. and, you know, my coke fuelled mother just screamed her lungs off and gave it right back to him. and my aries dad just yelled right back. and the candles were lit in the dark room and wax was dripping onto my chocolate birthday cake. and i hated chocolate flavoured cake. and i just wanted to run away all day because i knew this was going to happen. and they couldn’t even hold it together for me? or for my 18th? so i just sat there and cried as they screamed at eachother. i blew out the candles and ran into my bedroom and watched vines in my room. the end! :D

7:  Talk about your biggest insecurity. honestly, i don’t have a lot of insecurities. i have a lot of fears, but not insecurities. i guess i’m insecure about my body in certain places. i have a scar from an operation i had when i was 9 and it makes my stomach look chubby, but only on one side? it’s out of proportion and weird. and i have violin hips. 

8:  Talk about the thing you are most proud of. honestly, it’s so simple, but i’m really proud of still being alive. i thought for sure i’d be dead by now

9:  Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. i love my back! it sounds weird, but i have a rly nice waist and my back is sooo soft and smooth and it goes in at the waist and its so nice to touch and look at. and i have really nice and toned legs. and my arms are getting toned now too because my work makes me carry a lot of heavy stuff. and my baby sister is getting bigger and i’m usually the one to hold her. and i have nice hands too. but my favourite thing is my face and hair.

10:  Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had. oh god. not going into much detail about this at all because i spend like 3 or 4 years crying about this. it featured: 2 best friends of mine who i had been friends with for 10 years; my crush at the time; random people off the internet i’d never met before. like i said before, i was a 15 year old with a lot going on. maybe that didn’t make it okay for me to be as annoying as i was, but it’s done now. they all got into a skype group chat together without me. and call it paranoia, but i call it intuition. i knew they were all shit talking me. i could tell there was something up for a while now. they all started changing their online profiles to something that very clearly mocked me, they started making posts about me, and posts that were clearly parodies of my posts. and i sort of went along with it because i dont like to stir up much trouble. but the posts just got worse and worse to where it was like ‘you were so weird and creepy’ and calling me names and stuff. honestly, i can’t even remember anymore because i spend a while blocking it out. but it was pretty mean. but it hurt more because there were all the people i was closest to, all saying fucked up shit about me. and then random people who lived in my city who i didnt know. after the fight ended, we never spoke again. but i spend the next 2 years afraid that i would bump into somebody from online in person and they would recognise me, and the whole thing would happen again

11:  Talk about the best dream you've ever had. tbh i dont remember a lot of my dreams. i usually have nightmares anyway? i think i had a dream i could fly and had like magic powers and stuff. i was 8 or something and it was fun. 

12:  Talk about the worst dream you've ever had. after i moved out of my parents house, i had a lot of nightmares about my mum. again, i don’t remember specifics because i tried to block out the memory, but i remember feeling terrified, and then waking up relieved to remember i was out of there. after that, i started smoking weed which meant no dreaming which was good

13:  Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. i haven’t had like..... sex sex yet. i’ve been almost raped a few times? skfsdkjfl that sounds so cringey. but yeah! i dont know though, i imagine i’ll probably be super drunk for my first time. or maybe high. they make me more confident than usual. and for some reason i dont really like the idea of sex when im sober. i don’t think i’d be willing to be vulnerable with someone unless it was in a circumstance like that, maybe. and i’d be sure i wouldn’t have to see them again later on unless i wanted to. that way if i embarrassed myself, it wouldn’t matter. it would just be a terrible memory no one else would ever have to know about. 

14:  Talk about a vacation. i want one of these answers to not be about a fucked up memory of mine but i ...... truly can’t recall something? i guess there was a christmas i had when i was a kid (maybe around 8 or 10) and i’ll leave out the fucked up bits. but i stayed with my mother’s family and my grandmother owned a holiday apartment thing which had a pool and my uncles had horses and i got to see everyone and my uncles were super funny and let me play video games with them.

15:  Talk about the time you were most content in life. there was this period for about ..... 3 months in my last year of high school just before i graduated. all my assignments were over, and my major works were all finished. i was just putting the finishing touches on them. and all i had to do was study for exams. i got into the swing of school. and my friend got her license so she used to drive us places after school and we would hang out and do dumb shit together. i didn’t care what anyone thought of me because i knew i wouldn’t have to see them again in 6 months unless i wanted to. the next time was this few months after i’d just moved out of my parent’s house. probably 4 or 5 months. i had been dreaming of having my own place for like, my entire childhood. and i finally did! and it was with my best friend and this guy i really liked. and all i did was go to uni for a few hours a day. and then that was it! my time was all my own to do whatever i wanted with. i didn’t have a lot of money but i was so so so happy. i used to take myself to the movies. i was in walking distance of a train station and uni. so i could go wherever i wanted, whenever i wanted. i just felt so free

16:  Talk about the best party you've ever been to. the first part of my house-warming party was probably the best. i got really drunk, and someone’s mum brought weed so i was reeeeeally drunk and then reeeeeally high. i was dressed in the cutest outfit and a few people were flirting with me. actually, i think i made out with like 3 different people that night. and my friend bought me flowers! which i loved because no one had ever bought me flowers before. and we went to the park and i was so high and drunk and the little swing ride i was on felt like a rollercoaster. 

17:  Talk about someone you want to be friends with. hmmmmm to be honest, i’m trying not to make friends at the moment. i have a lot of other stuff i need to focus on. and having friends only leads to disappointment and heartbreak. i have a few friends i’ve accidentally made, but i’m trying to keep my distance from them so that we’re just ‘friends’ and not ‘good friends’ or anything like that. but secretly, i do love them a lot. 

18:  Talk about something that happened in elementary school. me and my best friend at the time were doing a school play about mary the saint (i went to catholic school). there were 3 of us: me, my best friend, and some guy who didnt have friends so we let him in our group. anyway, i wanted to play mary, but for whatever reason, this dude reeeeeeally fucking wanted to be mary. he started like yelling and stomping and being like “NO! i want to be mary!” and then just as he stomped his foot, a branch from a tree fell right on his head. and, without missing a beat, my friend goes “well, that branch hit you on the head so now you can’t be mary” and i laughed my ass off and he cried 19:  Talk about something that happened in middle school. omg these are all going to be funny stories because why not. so this one time in like 6th grade, we had to use calculators to do some complex maths work. and there was this one calculator that kept fucking up and giving the wrong answers. i  knew enough basic maths at that point to know that the calculator was faulty. anyway so me and my friends gave it to this other kid just to punk him a little right. turns out he didn’t realise it was a broken calculator and he finished his work and handed it in to the teacher, and proceeded to get in trouble sjlfsorerjlksjr

20:  Talk about something that happened in high school. omg so in high school i did this multimedia class. so we would film events like chapels (i went to a christian high school) and assembly, etc. and what we filmed would go on the big screens for everyone to see. kinda like a concert. and anyway, one time this kid got in trouble in front of everyone, and my classmate did this dramatic zoom on our multimedia teacher as he stormed out of the auditorium, dramatically walking out to get the kid in trouble

21:  Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. oh so this one time after i finished school i started going through rough patch #2 and i just needed a friend to talk to. and this guy from school was sort of the only friend who kept checking up on me and inviting me out places. and i liked that. i didn’t always have enough energy to do stuff or talk, because, depression. but i appreciated the fact that he cared. never thought much about it. until one day, we hadn’t spoken for like a month and he tells me suddenly that he has feelings for me. and of course, that’s so sweet and i did love the guy. but i wasn’t in the headspace for a relationship at all. i really just needed a friend. and i felt so terrible

22:  Talk about your worst fear. my worst fear ever? it used to be dying. but i think now it’s just having to go through what i went through again. my worst fear would be being a child again and being at the mercy of others and having to rely on them. my worst fear is trusting people and having them completely fuck you up. again and again. and not being able to do anything about it because you need them. 

23:  Talk about a time someone turned you down. hoo boy. i was 15 and made friends with someone on the internet who turned out to go to my school. developed a crush on him, but he was very gay. i ended up telling him for whatever reason. and that went just about the way you’d think

24:  Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

i don’t know. most people don’t know what they’re talking about when they give me advice. and i’m not saying that to be arrogant, but just most people haven’t been through much and not to sound self-pitying but i’ve been through a lot in a short amount of time. these are just facts here. so i don’t really believe what people say. i used to have this friend who was and will probably always be the only person who could ever make me laugh. genuinely. it felt like soulmates, but i was like a kid. but we had exactly the same sense of humour, and she was so witty and quick and would always have the best comedic timing. i really admired her and still do. anyway, one time she called me effortlessly funny. and that meant a lot then and still does now. 

25:  Talk about an ex-best friend. i just did, but sure. i’ll keep talking about her because i’m already thinkig of her. i’m pretty sure she was a capricorn rising. she had this really deadpan humour and it was always hilarious. we were friends since we were 4 years old. and i dont think i appreciated it as much as i should have at the time, but we really did grow up together and in each others arms. she was very cool and closed off and serious. and i got to see her funny and silly side. but what was even cooler than that was that i got to know her emotionally. she had a twin, and looking back, i don’t think her twin even saw as much of that as i got to. we used to have talks about anything and everything. you know those people who you can stay up all night laughing with and talking to and it doesn’t even feel like it’s been 10 minutes and all of a sudden the sun is coming up? but it was so effortless and fun and. yeah. it was like that. i still haven’t met anyone like that since. we later had a falling out and i met her again after like a year but we both had our walls up and that’s sort of when i realised how much we really trusted each other. you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone kinda thing. 

26:  Talk about things you do when you're sick. complain. bitch. complain some more. i usually buy nasal spray because having a blocked nose is SO ANNOYING. and otherwise, i don’t mind being sick too much. like obviously it’s not ideal but you do what you can. if i’m truly annoyed with being sick, i just sleep so i don’t have to be awake to deal with it

27:  Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body. i love girls tummys and waists

28:  Talk about your fetishes. idk i like some light bondage, light choking, a biiiiit very much maybe potentially kinda into rapeplay, and spanking is fun

29:  Talk about what turns you on. most of what turns me on is like dom/sub power dynamics. im into scanarios that have a looooot of sexual build up and tension. it’s pretty much foreplay for me personally. especially if it’s like flirty banter or implications, and dirty talk can be fun if done right. 

30:  Talk about what turns you off. absolutely not into anal at all. complete turn off. not at all into the thing where people get off on girls acting like kids, or people who think fucking someone who is asleep is hot. idk i like most normal shit tbh. anything else is probably weird for a reason

31:  Talk about what you think death is like. i think it’s probably the most painful experience you’ll ever have physically. and then everything goes black and that’s it

32:  Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. i remember my childhood house’s backyard. it was massive and had like a step in the middle where the grass changed levels. there was a swingset with a slide. and for the majority of my childhood my parents were doing renovations, so there were lots of holes in the backyard that we used to dodge. we used to catch lizards and i used to collect bird feathers. and at the very back, right in front of the back fence, my parents planted little trees and chillis

33:  Talk about what you do when you are sad. i immediately find the fastest way to be alone. i immediately listen to music. i drink or smoke or get high on something. or i try to make myself laugh if i’m at work and can’t do either of those things. if i can’t make myself laugh, i try to talk to a customer and pretend to be happy hoping that whatever they have to say will distract me from whatever i’m sad about. 

34:  Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured. eugh. every year i somehow get sent to the hospital because i can’t stop vomiting. i dont know how because its always for different reasons. but i always end up puking an excessive amount on an annual basis. the worst pain is when you can’t stop vomiting, so your stomach just cramps and cramps and cramps and you vomit but nothing happens and it just cramps again. it’s literally worse than period cramps. and mine are so bad.

35:  Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. having anxiety. i overthink a lot which doesnt help either. the thing is that i studied psychology, and i still don’t know how to stop myself from being so anxious. like i know how much it affects my work and stuff but i just can’t stop feeling like i’m about to die at any given second.

36:  Talk about your guilty pleasures. drinking, drugs, smoking, im not even guilty about those. idk. to quote niall hora- i mean pink, i’m not guilty about any of my pleasures

37:  Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. an old best friend. different to aforementioned best friend. we were friends for 6 years. not as close as the other one, but close as i’ve been to someone since. we were both depressed and going through stuff and both flirted with each other just for shits and gigs. idk. i think we really only bonded because we were both depressed and suicidal and having someone else around who is going through the same stuff makes everything so much more bearable. once i stopped being depressed i stopped being as close and as in love. but at the time, it was really nice and beautiful, we truly could talk about anything together. i could have opened with “i love being dominated in bed” instead of “hello” and she would have just rolled with it. we used to dream about the future together and hold hands and hug. idk. we used to just hang out together and there was never any pressure to do anything or be anyone. it was just us being our dorky selves.

38:  Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. goodbye stranger by supertramp reminds me of above mentioned friend, two of us by the beatles reminds me of first mentioned best friend, and i love her by the beatles reminds me of this friend group i had for 10 years. princess by shortstack reminds me of this friend i had for a few years who i almost had a thing with because i knew she liked me but neither of us ever said anything. 

39:  Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier. i wish i’d have known that it’s not a good or admirable trait to be so open with people so quickly. you shouldn’t immediately show people that you trust them or like them, and you definitely shouldn’t get so excited about things for them. it makes you look naive and they will definitely just use you.  i wish i’d known to get my license earlier i wish i’d have known what weed was like earlier. it really would have helped me out a lot.

40:  Talk about the end of something in your life. the end of high school was really hard. i know a lot of people hated high school. and i did. but once i got to my final 2 years, i had this confidence that comes with being older in school and it was really nice. i love the routine we had and the forced structure school made you have in your life. i enjoyed mucking around with teachers and that feeling of starting assignments before they’re due. being at school was nice because i mostly kept to myself and was generally well-liked. so i had this big support system that got me through a lot. and school ending meant that the support i had also ended. and then i had nothing and nobody and went through so much and had to be alone for it all. the end of school coincided with the worst period of my life #2, probably because i was at home to experience a lot more. 

[chocolate-brownies]

“I Tried 40 Days of Yoga, Meditating, and Chanting at 3 a.m. Every Morning”

“I Tried 40 Days of Yoga, Meditating, and Chanting at 3 a.m. Every Morning”:

Here’s what happened.

Sadhana involves two and a half hours of yoga, meditation, and chanting starting 3 a.m. for 40 days. 

One early morning last November, my doorman, Jose, who usually says it like it is, took one look at me and said, “What happened to you? You used to look sexy. Now you look like you never sleep anymore.”

His statement stung. I wanted to say, “Well I don’t sleep anymore. Not since I started Sadhana.” But then I’d have to explain what Sadhana meant. And why do I have to justify how I look? So, I said nothing.

But it was true. I was barely sleeping, and the dark circles under my eyes, chronic yawning, and 10 extra pounds I’d put on in a matter of just a few weeks were all byproducts of my commitment to complete 40 days of Kundalini Aquarian morning Sadhana.

Why I Tried 40 Days of Sadhana

For about a year prior to starting Sadhana—which involves two and a half hours of yoga, meditation, and chanting starting 3 a.m. for 40 days—I’d seen Facebook ads for it. Several friends swore by its benefits, and I’d read many articles about its transformative powers, such as increased energy, mental clarity, and a plethora of blessings. Many spiritual paths have a practice of getting up before sunrise to pray. That special time is called Amrit Vela, which translates as the Nectar of God. When you give two and a half hours to a spiritual source, your entire day is covered with blessings. And who doesn’t want more blessings?

For years I’d been trying to finish writing a book, create an online program, and get into shape—but I lacked self-commitment and follow through. In Sanskrit, Sadhana literally means accomplishing something. I wanted to strengthen my commitment to both my spiritual practice and word to myself. I’ve never been an early riser, so I told myself, If I can wake up at 3 a.m. for the divine, I can do anything!

For the next 40 days, I woke up at 2:30 a.m., put on my white clothes and head covering, and drove to a yoga studio where I practiced yoga, sang songs to my soul, and chanted Aquarian mantras. I tried to go to sleep each night no later than 8 p.m. each night to attempt at least five or six hours of shut-eye. But no matter how many hot baths I took, Chamomile teas I drank, or minutes I spent breathing through my left nostril to relax, I couldn’t fall asleep until it was time to wake up again.

For the first week, I was very enthusiastic and surprised by how little sleep I needed to function. But then, somewhere around day eight, I came home after Sadhana and passed out until noon, which only messed up my circadian rhythm further. As my levels of exhaustion increased, so did my weight. I wondered how the other yogis in the room were doing it. Some of them were on day 50, 60, 90 and even 240. I was assured that if I could get enough sleep, I would be OK.

According to our Sadhana group leader, the secret to a successful Sadhana was getting enough sleep. I’d never had difficulty falling asleep before. But I’d also never woken before 7:30 am, and my nerves were keeping me up.

Somewhere around day 20, my very traditional Russian father called to tell me that he and my mother were worried. They’d recently seen my photos of me on Facebook and asked why I looked so exhausted, bloated, and pale. I was too tired to explain that I had signed up for a sacred practice meant to elevate my soul (and what that meant). Instead, I tagged him on the Facebook live Sadhana page so he could see what I was up to. The following night he called me and said, “Your mother and I saw the video. Are you in a cult? All those people in white look like mental patients.”

Was I really back here again, having another conversation like this with my parents? Some 10 years ago, I came out of the closet as a Feng Shui consultant. My parents wished it was just a phase, lied to their friends that I was an interior designer, and insisted that spirituality is for people that don’t want to work.

See also “Something Happens as I Continue to Chant…”

The Realization That Sadhana May Not Be For Me

On day 30, I went to see a medical intuitive who told me that I was suffering from liver insomnia and severe adrenal fatigue. I had no idea that our livers wake up around 4 a.m. Which meant that when I was getting up to do yoga so early, it was really hard on my liver. I already had mild symptoms of adrenal fatigue before starting Sadhana and didn’t know that feeling wired and tired were the hallmarks of that condition. It explained why I was having so much trouble falling asleep.

I reached out to a friend who’s a Kundalini yoga instructor to tell her that I was going to quit because I couldn’t take it anymore, and she urged me not to. “Everything that’s coming up for you is coming up for healing and clearing,” she told me. Translation for spiritual neophytes? “Your moodiness, liver issues, obsession with weight, and needing other people’s approval was probably always there, and now you’re ready to deal with it.”

I thought I’d dealt with all of that years ago—at least the obsession with weight and needing others’ approval. But the onion has many layers. And maybe Sadhana was fast-tracking the peeling of mine.

I pushed through. Because that’s what I do.

I began to wonder if I’m just a masochist and maybe what I really need is to get back into therapy. Then, I reminded myself that I am a therapist. In fact, I’m actually a spiritual psychotherapist and should know by now if something is good for me.

See also Kundalini 101: Kriya for Balancing Your Eighth Chakra (Auric Field)

Sadhana: The Results of 40 Days of Yoga, Meditation, and Chanting

At the end of the 40 days, a few things happened. First, I felt satisfied that I was able to finish what I started. Next, I finally got a good night’s rest. Then, I spent hundreds of dollars on herbal tinctures and vitamins meant to restore my liver and adrenals. A few small blessings did arrive. I finally found an incredible illustrator for my book and a week later, two of the wellness hotels in Miami Beach where I really wanted to teach finally came through with proposals. Overall, the experience was a mixed bag.

While unfortunate, I don’t think we—as a culture—are equipped to support someone embarking on a 40-day adventure that may cause little or no sleep. Especially if that someone has lots of responsibilities. I think it would’ve been easier, and I could’ve treated the practice with more reverence, had I been on retreat or on an ashram somewhere. But we don’t all have the luxury of going away for a month. I know I don’t.

Forty days of so little sleep would be hard on anyone, regardless of the spiritual path they were on. My advice: If you want to start 40 days of Kundalini Aquarian morning Sadhana, please get your adrenals tested first. Make sure your life supports the potentially crazy sleep schedule, and that you have lots of time to rest and contemplate the process.

Also, listen to your body. If you feel like it’s getting to be too much, don’t turn to this all-too-common default: “Exhaustion? Oh, it’s probably just my negative mind trying to sabotage me.” There’s nothing enlightened about wearing yourself down to become more spiritual.

See also Kundalini 101: What Is the Aquarian Age, Anyway?