#Maybe stop pushing people away

[porcelain-flower]

Hey guys it's Esther, formerly feitansporcelaindoll. I know I've been away for awhile. Something happened and I wasn't sure if I should make a life update but here it is. Well for starters, I was being accused of some heinous things and because of that I deleted my tumblr.

I was busy dealing with life and my marriage. August of '23 I logged back in, messaged a certain Feitan mutual to ask how they were doing, only for them to essentially say "people said you're a groomer, so I can't talk to you anymore. Bye" and was promptly blocked. So I messaged ANOTHER mutual asking for clarification and was immediately blocked by them as well. Needless to say I was completely confused and caught off guard. Even though I was bored and pretty much done with the HxH fandom, I WAS going to keep my page active for those who enjoyed my content. But these people ruined that. So my page is gone and I will not be making any further content. In truth it was a hyperfixation, an escape from my abusive marriage. But now I'm in a healthy relationship and I don't need an escape.

Yes while you were busy accusing me, I was dealing with my narcisstic, emotionally and sexually abusive, gaslighting husband of 7 years.

And for the record, groomers abuse, manipulate and exploit. I NEVER did that to anyone.

No. It was happening to me.

While you were accusing me, I was dealing with my abuser. And I was scared every minute. He was narcissistic and controlling, to the point that he forbade me from getting tattoos or even cutting my hair. He gaslit me and constantly tried to coerce me and demand sex, despite my refusals. Seven years I dealt with this. Eventually I found the courage to leave him. The day I did, he had followed me to the store beforehand. I packed some essentials and found a friend's house to stay at. I was there for only a week because he found out who I was staying with and starting texting them and dropping off unwanted gifts at the house. So I found somewhere new to stay. I went back to my ex's house one weekend, when I knew he'd be gone, to get most of my stuff. I was terrified so I had my best friend come with. Then my ex came home unexpectedly. I wasn't going to risk being alone with him so I kept her by my side at all times.

But he wouldn't let me grab my belongings in peace. He put his arm between me and the doorway, stopped me from leaving and forced me to talk to him when all I wanted to do was grab my stuff and go.

Finally I got away and moved back to my home state. But the fear was still there. Every time I saw a car that resembled his, I froze thinking he'd followed me again.

I couldn't even give him my real address or phone number. That's how terrified I was of contact with him. I still am.

The day I got the last of my belongings, my ex made it very clear he wasn't letting me go so easily.

You don't know how terrifying it truly is to be married to someone you don't want to be with anymore and they're refusing to let you go. You do not know what real manipulation looks like.

A year after I had left him, he messaged again, asking if I was ready to come home. It took him a few more months to realize I wasn't coming back.

This is what I endured while you were spreading lies about me.

And I'm not playing dumb or playing victim. I have NO IDEA what I said or did that made people think this of me. And who did I supposedly groom?

Unfortunately we live in a world of guilty until proven innocent. And no one was mature enough to message me, show me proof, or let me know what was going on or being said about me so I couldn't even defend myself at the time.

Well there's no coming back once you've been accused, even falsely accused. I won't be active on here. This will be my only post. I'm locked out of my instagram fan page because I cant recover my password. I still have my personal page for those who knew me well enough to message me there. But I won't do fandoms or fan pages ever again.

The two people I talked to the longest and trusted the most were the fastest to accuse me and block me. Funny how that works.

And Hxytun I do wonder why you deleted all your Fei content as well. I was nothing but a friend to you. I listened to every rant, good or bad. Every conversation about your parents, your brother, you move across states.

Excalibur/feitansblood you're no better. You were a petrified little highschooler so I did my best to listen and give you advice because I knew how hard HS was for me. I was only ever a friend, to BOTH of you. And this is how you repay me. You yourself literally called me "mom" because I gave you advice like a mom would. Although I should've known you wouldn't have my back, seeing as you're pretty much Hxytun's lapdog and do anything they say. It's sad really. Also the fact you've been lying about your age on your accounts is shitty. Even a couple years ago when you were 15 you had your age listed as 19 so you could view explicit content. That's called catfishing btw.

But my heartfelt thanks to those who believed me and supported me. Makes me have a little more faith in humanity.

[caramellody]

Yall i dont think im gonna be able to stop thinking about usha and g13, actually.

Ushas an old old woman, clueless with tech. Lived long enough to develop various bonds with a LOT of people and relies on them a lot for help. In turn, shes VERY loyal to her close conpanions (a great example would be how she tends to back paula up a LOT, the way she sets up russel and paula to 'fake date' wink and all). She's very warm and very emotionally intelligent even if she's a bit clueless sometimes. Her logic is borderline incomprehensible, but it has heart.

G13 on the other hand, is a hacking prodigy. Hes young, hes sought after for his skills for better and for worse. But in turn, he's essentially lost himself in the process. He may be able to scrape nuke codes, but he'll never make a friend. He lacks any loyalty for anyone and anything except for himself and his interests, and if they dont satisfy those two points, then its worth nothing to him. His logic may be sound, but its cold.

[kil9]

sorry ive been a yaoihead my whole life i can try to change but i will only lie to myself. my true nature will always be sexy neko boyz

[butwhatifidothis]

It really is strange how Edelstans simultaneously dig hard into people that don't agree with their specific interpretation of 3H to the point of being happy they manage to drive those people away... and be so upset and baffled that people become generally disinterested/actively hostile towards 3H content.

If folks get repeatedly driven out of a fandom, and that group of people repeatedly calls anyone who disagrees with their specific interpretation of 3H stupid/illiterate/"acting in bad faith"/sexist/racist/homophobic/etc., and it is repeatedly done by a group of people who insist that 3H's fandom problem is a "both sides" thing, with all of this being dragged into spaces that have nothing to do with 3H, well... obviously people are then going to start to dislike interacting with either 3H in general or its fandom in particular?

Edelstans are the ones spreading the idea that 3H's fandom in totality is shit. They keep trying to make their hands look cleaner than they are by claiming that everyone else's hands are just dirty as/even dirtier than theirs. Of course people who are unaware of everything are going to then assume that everyone's hands are dirty, thus making people not exactly want to shake hands with anyone.

Like, really now. What did they think was going to happen when they directly go after fanartists/fanfic writers who create/say things that go against the Approved Edelstan Status Quo, to the point that a non-zero amount of these creators just up and leave social media entirely? Or after they nitpick every single Disapproved Post and then lie about the post's OP? Or after it becomes a consistent pattern that people who even remotely disagree with Edelstans' opinions are always, without fail, buried with insulting and harassing anons? Or after they're shown time and time again to defend their worst actors with "well their/our victims deserved it because they said a 3H opinion we didn't agree with"? Or when they say that everyone does this shit in 3H's fandom except for them (which is either not believed because it's demonstrably untrue or is actually believed and now those people think the overwhelming majority of 3H's fandom is filled with shit)? Or when they drag 3H discourse into literally actually everything no matter how unrelated?

That with less fandom creators within the fandom space they'd get more content? That harassing and insulting people and accusing them of being this-and-that bigot is going to magically "correct" their minds into seeing The One Truth about 3H? That people are going to just look over all the shit they did just because they allocate the blame of their action on all of 3H's fandom? That people would like 3H more if they constantly remind people of the inarguable worst thing to come from 3H? That this would help 3H's general perception?

Fuckin' no, of course that's just going to make everyone fuck off from 3H. And would you look at that, a shit ton of people have fucked off from 3H since everything has been swept under a "well it'sth a bolth thides ithue tho what can ya do?" rug. And it's been swept under that rug by pretty much the only people who are pulling this shit, who then get shocked - utterly gobsmacked! - that that made them look bad too. That crying "both sides!" included themselves too and not just the people they've been harassing. That saying that the entire fandom is bad everywhere made the entire fandom look bad everywhere.

If Edelstans are really so upset that no one talks about 3H positively anymore, then maybe they should stop being the reason no one likes 3H anymore. Just a thought

[toddtakefive]

btw todd’s reluctance to join the dps because he doesn’t want to read (which is then accommodated for) and is scared to put himself out there (which is also worked through) being read as todd not wanting to go AT ALL, and thus neil making the proper accommodations (“todd anderson, who prefers not to read, will keep the minutes of the meetings”) and encouraging him to step out of the box that stifles him being seen as ‘forceful’ or like he can’t take no for an answer makes me insane with rage

[not-bluejay]

guys i’m totally and completely fine with the fact that no one ever cares about me as much as i care about them ^U^ <- lying

[excelsior9173]

i know that with everything going on it looks pretty not good, but i don’t think we’ve seen the end of sleep token.

they’ve been using the phrase ‘nothing lasts forever’ since the very beginning, since they put out one.

iii has deleted socials before- if he comes back, great! if he decides to stay gone, good for him. (i don’t remember the context of him deleting last time but he came back so there’s that to keep in mind!)

plus- the band said ‘new opportunities to gather will be revealed in january’ i cannot imagine they’d abandon who-knows-how-many shows. we’re also midway through january with no announcement of shows. i personally think that, at the very least, the band account going blank is planned. show announcements and a new era are coming. lots of bands i follow pull this shit before a new album cycle!

whatever happens, happens. we got a beautiful catalogue of music if this is it, but i don’t think they’re done. i’d rather not catastrophize, i’m hoping all of this is just really poor timing (not on the band’s part, just that it’s come right after a potential -i’ve seen conflicting reports- of personal info)

[xcziel]

.

[girlivealwaysbean]

spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me

[spacelesscowboy]

i am such a hypocrite. it really is “i support women’s rights AND women’s wrongs” until i meet a REAL freak. sorry misty i’m sure you’re very tragic but i kinda wish you would’ve died in that plane crash 🫶 peace and love though ☺️

[milfbrainrot]

on a practical level the g@il simone situation is just such a bad look professionally because do you really want the people who employ you to see you talking shit about decisions they've approved

[astral-catastrophe]

I love the point in friend drama where the main culprit hasn’t apologized because they don’t see the issue and I’m left seething until some tipping point, culprit is now asking what they did wrong but oh no no no it’d be too easy to ask me, instead asking the friend I’m not mad with

[sealeneee]

siiiiiiigh

[avidvampirehunter]

So he really never learned to stop pushing people away, huh. Never a happy middle of not being too clingy, and not pushing them away "for their own good." Nope. Never learned it. 'Kay.

[autisticlee]

i'm so bad at making friends. never know what to do or say. wish other people would take the lead instead for once and do the hard part for me, but they never do!!!!! they expect and make me lead the conversation and make plans and all that. while they get so sit back and judge me while responding with 1-5 words, not giving me any info when I ask questions, and failing to contribute to any plans I try to make. then the friendship never happens or falls apart and fails very quickly because I suck at it, they don't do any of the work, they judge me, decide they don't like me, and they don't even try to help it 😭😭😭😭

I know "you don't want/need friends like that anyway" or whatever people tell me. but when you spend 15+ years trying to get even ONE person to do something with and never get to do that thing because every person is like this, how are you supposed to believe there's people out there NOT like this?! every year I try to talk to 50-100 different people at least. they're all like this!!!!!! so I dont seem to have another choice? lmao

everyone does this. cant escape it. cant find a single person that feels like puts in as much or more effort than me and helps me out down the supposed two-way street. feels like I must perform for everyone to win their approval. need to read their minds to know what play to put on. guess wrong and act the wrong way and they obly respond with a single clap or get up and leave. if I don't entertain them and win their approval, they don't even consider friendship. they never perform for me. i'm the monkey on the stage and don't ask them to dance for me. they won't anyway. if I ask anything in return, they run away. they're the audience I must entertain and be judged by them and if I don't get a perfect score, they leave and turn the lights off on my stage.

[radmista]

Maybe don't let your animal that steps in it's own feces dirt on the same table that you're preparing food?