#Maybe I should just delete everything and start anew. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

spoiledleaff · 5 months ago

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Why did you disappear for so long?? I feel like you abandoned your blog and friends and stuff for a bit lol Are you okay??

sure. let's talk about this :) i've had a lot of asks lately asking if i was okay during my hiatus//if i'm okay now that i'm trying to make an effort to come back, and, the short answer is no. i'm not.

i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (bpd).

cw :: massive vent + personal, medical talk regarding my mental health and thought process. honestly just a lot of oversharing, because i don't have an outlet for this irl, haha! for all intents + purposes, everything below this line is a trauma-dump. please take care of yourself.

for unnecessary context, haha! i went on a hiatus for about half a year, abandoned this blog, destroyed many old wips and interactions i had with the ghost fandom + distanced myself from the friends i've made on this site through ao3 and/or tumblr with no context or goodbyes. my mental health was, and continues to be, in shambles.

i had a homelessness scare + a series of bad physical health scares that almost led me to a brain cancer diagnosis, so... that was fun, haha. but this is probably the main thing.

borderline personality disorder (bpd) is a mental health condition that mainly affects people through extreme mood swings, unstable relationships, trouble controlling their emotions, + often times self-destructive behavior. one of the main symptoms that most people with bpd suffer is fear/perception of abandonment + a constant feeling of emptiness. in addition to this, i have a deeply ingrained socially anxious mindset + i am neurodivergent.

it runs in my family. and, apparently, its running its course through me as well, haha.

i am exhausted. i find myself stuck in an endless cycle, especially on this site, where i am so incredibly excited to interact with the people i've been fortunately enough to find on this site through my work but i distance myself almost immediately when i worry that i start to get too close to someone.

i am so afraid of being abandoned/left behind, that i would rather abandon someone else and disappear.

as a side effect of my bpd, i mainly struggle with paranoia, disassociation, a short temper, feelings of emptiness + an unreliable self-image.

this, unfortunately, affects my relationships here a lot.

i hate my work. i hate myself. sometimes i even hate my friends and then that always spirals into hating their friends, even if it's people who i know are lovely or i have never even fucking met before. i hate this site + ao3, i hate my fandoms, i hate this blog, and i sometimes find myself hating everyone and everything i've ever known and seen. it's a constant cycle of hatred followed by an emptiness that my work will never be good enough, my friendships will never be good enough, my stories will never be good enough, and i will never be good enough. i rarely find joy in these things anymore.

i find myself so desperate + anxious for a little bit of positive social interaction that i overthink every possible scenario, panic, and then vaguely cut ties before i think the other person will.

i cannot begin to describe to you the constant debate i have with myself about whether or not i should delete this blog, permanently remove everything and anything i've ever written on ao3, before inevitably trying to start anew with maybe another penname, another account.

but i've always liked routine. calling myself some variation of 'leaff' on the internet is a part of that. i don't know what else to call myself—people would know it's me.

i'd really like that. i'd fucking hate it too.

so, i've distanced myself from the fandoms + from the people who interact with my content. i do the bare minimum with friends, and sometimes not even that. i ghost people always, worry about what to say next to the point that i've genuinely convinced myself that i've responded, i do the bare minimum, wash, rinse, repeat.

i post my shit, giggle about this and debate about that, disappear for a bit, before inevitably coming back.

i do enjoy the work that i do, sometimes i'm even proud of it. but it's such an inconsistent whirlwind in my mind that i find myself hating it all just as a default.

if you're someone who has had the misfortune of interacting with me, and you wonder if i hate you. i don't.

i promise. not like that, at least.

i'm not going to therapy for this; i can't afford it. i'm trying to find a way to possibly be medicated for this, but i don't have the greatest insurance. i'm trying to train myself into a nicer, more positive mindset; it's hard.

but i'm trying. i'm still very uneducated about this. i'm still coming to terms with the fact that i might be aroace. i think it's why my writing is getting worse, or, at least, why i've been so distraught and unhappy with it. i think this might tie into why i'm so afraid to post anything other than porn; i think it might also be why i'm starting to hate writing it.

i think i'm still coming to terms with the fact that i'm simply unhappy with life, haha.

i didn't mean for this to become such a huge ramble — i think that's why i'm answering this at such an unpopular//late time, haha! — but i've had a surprising amount of asks in my inbox asking about me.

it's weird. i'm not really used to that. i think that's part of the reason why it took me so long.

regardless, this is why i disappeared. this is why i've been distant, this is why i ghosted you, and this is what will probably happen again in the near future. at least it's consistent, i guess.

thank you for your concern. if you made it this far, damn. i wish i had your attention span sometimes, haha. also i'm sorry for never answering your messages or for never reaching out in the first place. it's very easy to convince myself that you don't want me to, that i might be a trophy friend, that what we had was never real.

i'm sorry that after all this time this is how you might be hearing about it.

thank you for being patient with me.

i'm sorry you have to be so patient to begin with.

i think that's all i have to say :) it's a new road for me, and it's one that i don't want to travel. but i have to. i think it might help me in the long run if i do this all now.

so... yeah! :) haha, a bit of leafy lore, if you will. just, maybe not the fun kind, haha!

#cw vent #bpd vent #ooc leaf

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literallyzooble · 3 years ago

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2021 Art Summary.

Welp, it's finally New Years where I am.

Man I love seeing a username that brings back traumatizing memories right before the new year- Welp. looks like 2022 is already fucked up! Oh well! Better luck next year, Phoenix.

I'm very disappointed in myself with my art output this year, and all of my creative output in general. I hope to put out more this year, if, that is, I don't shove myself into a depressive loop again, like I did this year. Only shoutout is going to @iamannettecresselion, thank you for keeping my depressed ass alive throughout this entire year. I look forward to working with you more in the coming year.

Here’s my art summary for this year.

Another year wasted by me. How lovely. If I could describe my art this year in one word? Disappointment. The most I drew for one month this year is July, because of ArtFight, and I didn't even post those things on here! God, I'm pathetic... September was right before my mental health cracked and the floor seemed to collapse beneath me. There is...a change of tone in my pieces now, as you can see. Some of these I haven't even posted on here yet. Yup, that's how much of a disappointment I am. Wonderful. My art goals this year? I posted these on my Instagram prior to making this, so let's see... -Post More Of My Drawings. Yes, I know, I DID say that I wanted to keep my things more on the confidential side, but that's only with my original projects. With my drawings that I do just for fun/of any other Original Personas or Characters I might've created? I want to churn ALL of those out this year, baby. I'm tired of having so many awesome ideas in my head, but never making them because of the limited time I have with GOD FORSAKEN SCHOOL. I'm now dedicating more of my time to my art, so hopefully, with that, I'll be able to get the 30+ Personas and GOD KNOWS HOW MANY Characters out to the public this coming year. And, hopefully, by doing that, I'll gain more watchers. I've been really disappointed with my watcher count this entire year, and really, with all of my creative works, I've been going through a constant cycle of Ignorance, Unmotivation, and Dissatisfaction. A never-ending cycle. Vicious, isn't it?-Draw More In The First Place. Can't really post a lot of shit if I don't draw a lot of shit in return, huh? -Get Back Onto The Animation Grind. I Am Taking 2D Animation at my school this year, so why the hell shouldn't I? -Work More On A Project. I won't say anything else besides the fact that it was created by both me and @iamannettecresselion . That is all. -Maybe Start An Art Website/Portfolio? I'm already making just a generic website for myself about myself, but my dad and mom have been wanting me to start a portfolio for a LONG time now, so I think I might start one this year. I would like to apologize for the lack of art that I've made this year. Like I said previously, September was right before my mental health just...COMPLETELY shattered, and so I just wasn't up to drawing really ANYTHING the last few months of this year. I wasn't really up to doing ANYTHING CREATIVE in that instance. I felt like my works meant nothing, and I still kinda do. I'm still alive though. That's a good start. I'll see you all in the new year, I guess. Or not. Since this website is still trash, and no one seems to care about my original shit in the first place. Glad that people care about my wowaka post still, though. Maybe I should do more VOCALOID-related content on here.

Hope you all have a good one. ~Ra1nb0w-Ph0en1x

#artists on tumblr #my artwork #artwork #digital aritst #digital art #traditional art #traditionalart #traditional and digital art #art summary #art summery 2021 #art summary 2021 #why am i still here #why am i even posting this #Maybe I should just delete everything and start anew.#きっとそんな世界だ。。。

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bonky-n-steeb · 3 years ago

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𝐵𝑅𝐸𝐴𝑇𝐻𝐸

𝙿𝙰𝚁𝚃 𝚃𝙷𝚁𝙴𝙴

𝘿𝘼𝙍𝙆!𝘽𝙐𝘾𝙆𝙔 𝘽𝘼𝙍𝙉𝙀𝙎 𝙭 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍 | 𝙈𝙊𝘽!𝙎𝙏𝙀𝙑𝙀 𝙍𝙊𝙂𝙀𝙍𝙎 𝙓 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍

𝗦𝗨𝗠𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗬: Your life is as good as it gets. The perfect husband, the perfect daughter, the perfect job. But what you are unaware is that your husband is a deadly assassin and your long-lost friend, now a fearsome mob boss is hell bent on getting you back. But what you don’t know can't hurt you, right?

𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗦: psychological disorder, PTSD, domestic abuse, yandere, obsession, violence, cursing. If you find any of this triggering please DNI. Also inform me if I left something out.

ᴛʜɪs ɪs ɴᴏᴛ ʙᴇᴛᴀ ʀᴇᴀᴅ, sᴏ ᴀʟʟ ᴍɪsᴛᴀᴋᴇs ᴀʀᴇ ᴍʏ ᴏᴡɴ

My previous account was deleted so I’ll be posting the stories again. I’ll be changing this one, so yeah.

Inform me if y’all wanna be tagged!

As the Winter Soldier entered the house, his instincts kicked in. The house was too quiet for his liking. He kept the bags on the sofa and started climbing up the stairs towards your bedroom. Oh, how much he loved you. You had never left his side, not when he lost his arm, not when the guilt became too much to live with and he cried his eyes out near you while you said sweet nothings into his ears. He wanted to keep you by side always, he wasn’t ever letting you go. Soon he was going to ask you to leave your job and stay at home looking after him and Iris.

He couldn’t stand to see the tired look in your eyes, how you managed everything, your job, your kid, the house and most importantly him. In the beginning he was afraid you wouldn’t love him, that you would only love Bucky, but you loved him just as much; though you were unaware that he existed in Bucky. Bucky was an idiot to let you roam free and be away from him, especially when the world is filled with cruel people. He was a fool to let you be friends with Thor or any man in general. You were only his and Bucky’s. He was Bucky only, but he was much stronger and capable than Bucky. He was the one who would protect you, not Bucky. The Soldat loved you much more than Bucky ever could.

As he opened the door, he noticed you were in the bathroom. As he entered inside, for a second even he was shocked. You were sitting with your legs folded and staring wide eyed at his computer. He noticed you were watching his files and videos and you were so dumbstruck that you didn’t even notice him standing at the door.

But seeing you watch him do the deed sent a weird wave of pride through him. He wasn’t ever going to tell you any of this, after all it was highly confidential and your life could have been jeopardized. But seeing you now, watching his skilled work with awe, made his chest swell with pride. He deserved to get his work appreciated by his wife; after all, he had put sweat and blood in it, and you weren't even aware, but not anymore. What he failed to notice was that it wasn’t awe on your face, it was unadulterated fear.

He could clearly see as your eyes filled with tears and you pressed a hand on your face. He knew you were scared, but he would tell you not to be. For you, there was nothing to be afraid of him. As you started to puke, he went and held your hair in one hand while with the other he quietly shushed you. The last thing he wanted was to see you suffer. He wanted to protect you, keep you safe from the world, not hurt you.

After you emptied your stomach, you slouched besides the toilet and huffed loudly. The tears from your eyes weren't stopping. “Peeking in other people’s stuff ain’t a good habit, doll.” he said calmly as he folded his hands while leaning against the door frame.

Your eyes widened when you realized that it was Bucky shushing you all this while. But why would he do that, now that you had found his secret. Maybe he was being merciful before killing you. Wait, he was going to kill you!!! You had seen top secret information and there was no going back. You averted your gaze from him as you stared at the laptop. Another video of Bucky’s murders running on it.

You couldn't exactly make out what the video was as your eyes were filled with unshed tears. “He had a big ass fence and four huge dogs guarding the house. But well, all dogs can be lured by treats.” he said shrugging as if he was talking about your neighbors' dogs and not of the person he had killed. And you realized he regretted nothing; he was talking about murdering people with pride rather than guilt.

“Make it quick.” your voice was barely audible as pathetic sobs escaped your eyes. The Winter Soldier titled his head in confusion, “And what made you think that I’m going to kill you?” you looked up at him with even more fear. “I wasn’t supposed to see all this. And I’ve seen enough movies and read enough books to know what happens when you see stuff you aren't supposed to.” you shivered violently at the thought.

The Soldier chuckled dryly “You are right, if they know that you’ve seen all this, then they wouldn’t bat an eyelid in executing you. But... who is going to tell them? Not me for sure. I just need one promise, you aren't ever going to tell this to anyone, no matter what, no matter whose life is at stake. You are going to pretend you never saw any of this. Delete all this from your brain right now!” he ordered.

His commanding voice sent shivers down your spine, “I promise, I promise not to tell anyone....... I'm sorry, please.” you had no idea for what you were apologizing or pleading for. “It's okay.” he said with a faint smile as he picked you up gently and you wondered whether it was the same man capable of killing people in the blink of an eye. As you quietly sat on the bed, you dared not look at him; he on the other hand was lovingly staring at you.

You wanted to tell him to give up this job and start anew, but you knew this wasn't the right timing. “Don't worry, I’ll keep you safe. You don’t have to do anything. Just sign your resignation and I'll turn it in. You'll be safe in this house. You don't even have to ever leave it. The hospital doesn’t even pay you enough for your handwork.”

You looked at Bucky with shock and betrayal, you absolutely adored your work. You wouldn’t ever give up being a surgeon and saving lives. You had spent years trying to reach where you were today, and you loved doing what you did. How could Bucky ever say something like that. He was always so supportive but well, he wasn’t the same Bucky he once was.

“You wouldn’t ever meet any other man. Doll, you don't know how this world is, there are lunatics, murderers and all kinds of bad people. But I’ve vowed to keep you safe and I will. Just don’t, just don’t stop loving me.”

“You are joking right? You don’t mean that... do you?” You asked unsure of his words. “Why would I joke about this?” Your heart beat so loudly that you knew he heard it. To keep you inside your house like a prisoner, had he lost his mind? You enjoyed your freedom more than anything. And at that exact moment you realized that Bucky had utterly and completely lost his sanity.

“You can’t do that! I love my job and I’m not resigning anytime soon. I have friends for Christ’s sake. I have a goddamn life James! What the hell do you mean I won’t see any other men?” You lost your cool. Enough was enough. He couldn’t control your life; you wouldn’t let him.

You took a deep breath; you didn’t want him to misinterpret your next words and ignore you. “James, I believe it should be the other way around. I think it’s time you drop being a hit man. It’s not safe...” at your words he tilted his head and squinted his eyes. But still you continued, “It’s clearly dangerous. The things you’re doing, they could jeopardize all our lives, you, me, Iris. And the way you kill...” you cleared your throat and shook your head.

“It’s not safe for your mental health too. Look Buck, you think I don’t know, but I know you secretly cry at night. You feel guilty, so just stop now. We’ll work it through before it’s too late.” You said while rubbing his arm.

“Think about Rissie, she misses her dad so much when you are gone. Maybe take a job where you won’t have to leave and you can be with her so much more. Also... the lives that you’ve... umm.... they are taking a toll on you. You are not present with us anymore Buck, you stare off and don’t give a shit as to what we say. And it’s not just me that notices. You get irritated so quickly, it’s difficult Bucky. But it can all change if you want, Buck.”

Soldat’s talented ears ignored every word you said and only paid attention to the fact that you care about him so much. He doubted that you would get hysterical knowing what he did, but instead you were worried for him. You were ready to forgive him. He was the luckiest bastard.

You saw his love-struck expression and you knew he wants listening to you. “Bucky...!!??? Listen to what I’m saying! Leave that goddamn job!” You lost your cool and yelled at him.

“Do you know why I took that job? They gave me a chance! They gave me my arm back. I would’ve hated being a burden to you and now look, I’m capable to taking care of you. You don’t understand, I can’t leave that job. They gave birth to me.” Your heart ached at his words.

“Bucky, nothing matters if I’m gonna lose you...!!! You are all that matters. And working for Hydra hasn’t fixed you; it had broken you even more. I miss my Bucky. Please, ple....”

At your words, the Winter Soldier snapped his head towards you, “What did you say? Huh, you miss who?” You narrowed your eyes and you couldn’t quite get the meaning of his words. “What? I said I missed Buck, you were so sweet not controlling, I just...” you stopped talking seeing the deadly expression on his face.

“That idiot Bucky is not going to save you! It’s me! I’m the one who will keep you safe. I love you so much more than Bucky ever has. Don’t you understand. Bucky is weak and he is not coming back.” You winced at his cruel words.

“James, you are the Soldat right now? You.... you need help.” You stuttered. At your words Soldat lost his cool, couldn’t you understand and accept his love for you. He raised his flesh arm and slapped you across the face. What was in Bucky that wasn’t in him. He was right, you only loved him as you thought it was Bucky; you didn’t love the Soldat. But he was Bucky, too right?

“Bucky!!!” You held your stinging cheek. You might have tolerated his words but how dare he hit you? You weren’t the one going to sit back and take his shit. In the heat of the moment, you slapped him back. “How dare you?” you screamed at him. He just closed his eyes and took a deep breath; he knew he had messed up big time. The Soldat was scared of one thing: your anger and resentment in him. He hated when he upset you.

“James enough is enough. I’ve had too much of your shit! All I try to do is support you and care for you. I literally handle this house, a job, I look after Rissie, and I take care of you like you are a child. Not once have I ever complaint.

James, I love you so much, but it’s so taxing! Love is not supposed hurt; it’s not supposed to be one sided. I try everything I can to help you. But you? You just don’t care! All you do is come up with stupider excuses. Keeping me home? Making me leave my job? What the fuck is wrong with you?” You shook your head and pinched your nose.

“Look James, I can’t do this anymore. I think we should take a break. We both need to breathe. We need to take a look at things from a different perspective....” before you could continue, he snapped.

On moment you were trying to talk some sense into him and the next you were pinned to the wall with his metal arm squeezing the life out of you. Your eyes widened and you desperately tried to breathe, but he had blocked your windpipe. “Jame...” you couldn’t even continue your sentence.

The Soldat was furious. How could you? How could you suggest that he leave you? You didn’t need a break, you needed him. Only him. And he was going to prove it to you. He wouldn’t let you leave. You started banging your hands on his arm but it was of no use. His eyes were dead, like in the videos. And that scared you more.

Finally, your arms gave out and you were on the verge of passing out. Yet that didn’t stop him, he was a madman with a point to prove. But then a small blood vessel burst open in your left cheek. And when Bucky noticed that, he came back to his senses.

He quickly left his grip and ran back, bumping into the bed. You sagged back down the wall, wheezing. For minutes or for hours you couldn’t tell, you both didn’t dare move. You were shivering and sobbing. And he was contemplating everything, how could he?

He wasn’t the Winter Soldier right now, he was Bucky. Why did the Soldat had to ruin everything? He was fine till it was limited to killing, but ruining his marriage. What could he ever possibly do to make up to you?

Bucky was the first one to speak up, “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I... that wasn’t me; or maybe that was. I don’t know. I’m so confused. You were right, I shouldn’t have joined Hydra. I... I don’t know what to say, what to do.... ,,.... please say something, don’t stay quiet. Please.!” He pleaded with tears in his eyes.

“Tell me, tell me what shall I say so that you wouldn’t snap.” Your voice was hoarse and it was hurting to even say one sentence. “You are right, we should give each other space.” His heart broke to million pieces, but he knew it was right. The Soldat could come back any moment and he was too unstable to stay with you and Rissie.

“I’ll... uhmm.. I’ll leave. I can come here for an hour everyday till...” he suggested. “Please, please don’t. You are too scary. Think about Iris. Just go to Rachel, you’ve denied it for too long and look at us. If she says you are stable enough, come back anytime. But... not before.” Rachel was your friend and an excellent psychiatrist. “Oh, okay. Forgive me please. I’m sorry...”

“Leave please!” You quietly observed as he picked up his duffel bag, which was packed all the time for emergency, and left the room. You got up and followed him, all while thinking of the beautiful moments you shared with Bucky. “Goodbye.” He said and you nodded as he left the house in his car.

“Umm, are you okay? I was worried, I don’t mean to pry. I just heard some commotion.” Sam said as he entered your front yard. Sam was neighbor and a dear friend. He had moved in soon after you had. But you had known each other much before that. He used to frequently visit your hospital with one reason or another. You guessed he had a thing for one of the nurses but he never agreed. He was a light hearted person and you enjoyed his company.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I appreciate your concern.” you tried your best to smile. His eyes quickly went to the bruises on your neck. “You don’t have to be formal, tell me. We are friends. Are you fine? Do you need something.” You couldn’t stop your tears at his concern.

“I’m not fine, but I don’t want to talk about it right now.” You said wiping the tears off. “If you need me, anytime, I’m just one call away.” He gave you a warm smile. “Thanks Sam. I’m so glad you are my friend.”

“You are hell bent on giving me diabetes with your sweet words, lady. Take care of yourself. I’ll be right next door.” He said as he saw you walk into the house.

He quickly exited your house and removed his phone from his pajama. He had to make a call.

☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎

You were in your own thoughts. Bucky hadn’t once called you or showed up in the past six days. You had expected him to come back the next day or at least call.

As you walked back home from the hospital, you didn’t notice the huge Greek god of a man walk straight into you. “I’m sorry.” You said out of instinct without looking up.

You stopped right in your tracts when you heard a familiar yet much affirmative voice calling your name. You turned around and stared right into his eyes. He had changed, become much much bigger and stronger than before. But his eyes, they were the same.

“Steve?!” you asked with sudden excitement. He gave you a radiant smile which instantly improved your day.

Lost in the joy of meeting your long-lost friend, you were both unaware of the pair of eyes keenly observing your every move.

#chris evans #sebastian stan #mcu #marvel #dark!bucky x reader #dark!bucky #mob!steve x reader #mob!steve #winter soldier #winter soldier x reader #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes x reader #Steve Rogers #Bucky Barnes

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omgreally · 3 years ago

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You're awesome and I love everything you write. I was wondering if you'd be down to do some head cannons. This has to do with depression so if you'd rather not read it think about that please just delete this ask.

I've been having such a hard time over the last 9 or 10 months dealing with depression. I don't want to burden you with what I'm going through, so I won't. I know everyone has had a lot to deal with over the past year and a half. I'm just wondering how you think Din might be supportive through a time like this? He's my comfort character and I know it's kind of lame to turn to a fictional character but it's nice to have a bit of an escape from real life sometimes

Hey anon. I struggle pretty badly with depression and I feel you (oh man, you have no idea how much!) I hope you're hanging in there and I hope this little headcanon/drabble thing also helps.

It never feels like it'll end, but sometimes there are moments that help me get by, so my only advice is to focus on those moments if you get them. It's not lame at all for fic to be your way of getting by - it's definitely one of the ways I do!

If you ever want to talk 100% dm me even if it's to gush over fic or Din or Pedro or to rant or what have you. I'm an internet stranger but I am here! <3

As it Should Be

Din Djarin/F!Reader - Rating: E - WC: 1465 - TW: Depression, mental health, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a small smattering of smut (bc it's me)

Din notices that you’re off.

It’s little things here and there - you refuse food, you’re sleeping too much; you’re found more often than not taking up most of the cramped space in your shared bunk. You tell him it’s nothing - that everything’s fine, which it is; you’ve finally found a place you belong, albeit with a strange armored bounty hunter and his green space baby.

Things are good between you - he gives you his hands, his body, eventually even his name and glimpses of his face in the dark as he kisses the back of your neck and cups your hips with the welcoming grind of his. Din makes love to you slow when you need it, rough when you want it - and he never fails to make you come, gasping on the syllable of his name. But there are other times he can’t reach you, when you’re quiet and staring off into space, and you tell him it’s nothing - because it is.

It’s nothing, this feeling: a persisting numbness where there should be joy, or love, or fierceness. You fight to emulate the emotions because you know they should be yours, but your laugh as you play with Grogu is hollow, and your smile for Din is forced. He notices, because you have spent months together by now, because he is trained to notice these things: things out of the ordinary in places, things, people. And you are, besides being quite extraordinary, not yourself.

You’re not sure when it started, or why. You wanted to get away - your most fervent wish to abandon your former life and start anew. You never thought it would be with a Mandalorian, but you are grateful, and everything is different. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard - accepting that things are different, accepting that things could be different, could be good.

Maybe that’s what it is; an inability to believe that you deserve this, these soft moments that feel like they’ve been stolen from another’s life and inserted into your own. It’s hard having a place to sleep - arms to sleep in - warmth and food and love where before, you had nothing. The dichotomy of your life is startling: half of it spent in darkness, going hungry too often, cold too often, the places within you that you thought were strong crumbling away beneath the relentless march of terrible days with no end. Suddenly being whisked away from that is like whiplash. You’re thankful, but you’re floored by it. It will take time to stand up.

Somehow, Din knows this, and he helps without helping. Whether it’s letting you sleep - bringing you food - volunteering to watch the kid himself, giving you time alone when you land on a new planet and he ventures out for supplies. You’re glad he doesn’t push you, and you show it as you begin to emerge from the shell you’ve built yourself, the layers of misery cracking like sediment breaking free underwater.

It’s slow, the erosion of this feeling - this not-feeling - but you catch glimpses of light here and there: the baby tugging on Din’s pants leg, chanting ‘Batu, batu, batu’ until he picks him up and holds him close; Din bringing you something he calls Tusken stew he made himself which tastes awful but you force it down because he made it for you; waking up with the baby on your chest, the tip of his ear tickling your chin; going to bed with Din, helping him remove his Beskar, piece-by-piece. Always hesitating when you get to the helmet.

“Let me,” he says, and you hear the pneumatic hiss as the seal releases, and he lifts it from his head. You take it from him and set it aside, always surprised by how heavy it feels. To Din - to Mando - it seems to weigh nothing at all.

You set it aside with the rest of his armor; careful, reverent even. You still don’t know much about the Mandalorian Creed, but he’s told you enough that you know to respect it. You know that him showing his face, even in the dark, is a big deal. You don’t comment on it, though - you accept the gift without drawing undue attention to it and for that, Din is thankful.

“Are you okay, mesh’la?” he asks the question casually, as if he’s asking you what you want for breakfast tomorrow, but your stomach drops immediately. He senses your trepidation - feels the way you shrink away from him, suddenly shy to the touch. “I’m sorry,” he adds hurriedly, hesitant - quite unlike the usually stoic Beskar warrior. But there’s no Beskar, just the two of them in the dark, undressed and undressing in other ways.

“I don’t want to - to scare you off - but I worry,” Din continues haltingly, stumbling over his words. You imagine his hands steady on his rifle and can’t reconcile that with the slightly awkward man sitting knee-to-knee with you, and your blank heart warms a little.

“Din,” you say, taking his hand, and he flinches like he always does at first - you imagine him closing his eyes at the contact before he accepts it, turns his hand over, lacing his fingers with yours. “You could never scare me off.”

It strikes you as funny all of a sudden - comforting him, but it gives you something to focus on other than the feeling like you’re fading away piece by piece. He puts you back together with a kiss - slow and deep and soon turning molten, the slick sweep of his tongue waking you from your indifferent haze. You respond in kind, curling your fists into his shirt, and he urges you back - fills the space above you, eclipsing what feels like the entirety of the cramped, closed-in bunk.

You don’t feel trapped, though; on the contrary, you feel freed. The sweep of his bare hands up your torso, lifting your shirt over your tits has you keen; the feel of his mouth dragged forcefully from yours, down your neck, descending on your nipples makes you a little feral, a little uncontrolled in a way you know he likes. It’s you, and you’ve been missing for a while.

Clothes disappear with frantic movements - you slide together, naked at last. Din’s cock is so hard against your thigh that you wonder if it hurts, but you don’t wonder long before he’s pushing it into you with smooth, shallow, stretching thrusts until you wrap your legs around him and urge him on with a whisper for “More, Din. More.”

He fucks you like it’s the first time - like it’s new, and you don’t miss the tremble in his hands as he works one between your bodies and thumbs at the throbbing point of your clitoris. He draws your orgasm from you without effort, gives in to his, spilling with a gasp into the welcoming grasp of your cunt.

The post-coital high fades eventually, and he slips from you, cleans you up, and instead of rolling onto your side you settle over him with your head on his broad chest, listening to his heart beat beneath the scars.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper in the dark, where you feel safest, where the words won’t hurt - where you don’t need to hide them or take them back. “I haven’t felt right for a while.”

“I know.” He strokes your back, and you feel the brush of his stubble, the press of his lips against your forehead. “You’re allowed to feel like that if you want.”

“Really?” you sniff, and there they are - the tears - tears you haven’t shed since leaving your home planet, as awful as it was, behind. Tears you haven’t allowed yourself your whole life, because they mean nothing, they fix nothing - and yet, as you let them flow, something fragile and tangible inside you shifts. “You’re not disappointed in me?”

“Never.” He lifts your chin with a finger for a more solid kiss. “You’re the strongest person I know, mesh’la.”

You smile, even as the tears break your dam, send you crumbling and insensate as you sob into the Mandalorian’s chest. He lets you, stroking your back, your hair, murmuring platitudes and assurances that would be meaningless from anyone else but aren’t now, because they’re from him.

“It’s okay,” he tells you, as the sobs ease to hiccups, as your tears dry sticky on his sternum. He kisses them away from your lips and together you taste salt and regret and things that don’t make sense, but are, and they’re wonderful. He’s wonderful. “It’s okay.”

“Yes, it is,” you agree, settling in his arms, eyes red, throat raw; you feel, impossibly, better.

Because you know now: It’s okay for you to not be okay. Din Djarin is not going anywhere.

And all is as it should be.

#inbox #request fill #tw: depression #tw: mental health #cw: mental health #din djarin/you #din djarin/reader #din djarin/f!reader #mando/you #mando/reader #mando/f!reader #the mandalorian fanfic #mandalorian smut

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yanderecandystore · 4 years ago

Note

i want some angst, so imagine there's 4 people left and almost all tasks done, so the impostor has to kill someone fast. The only person they have the chance to, is the one who has been so trusting of them and helping them, y/n. So they do . . . . . or not, maybe y/n is gonna let them kill in front of them and not tell anyone too, you can either make them a bonnie and clyde thingy or make it angst, who knows - 🇧🇷

Hey Brazilian Anon!

Yooooo, I'm sorry for taking so long to answer you, I have so many asks and because Tumblr is an ass, I can reassure you that some asks are lost in the way, why don't they update this hell website-

I'm probably going to close the ask box temporarily because there are many asks for me to do, and because I'm considering changing my whole blog.

I may change a lot of things around here, I even considered deleting my blog and starting anew.

TW/Tags: pure angst cause I'm feeling a bit down // major character/reader's death, but with a twist hun (based on a Among Us fanfiction done by @nelliiwrites go check them out boo// crewmates are incredibly dumb.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

Cruel reality [Yandere!Among Us x Reader - Headcanon]:

They couldn't believe it.

They really… They really tried to harm you…? How could they do such a thing?

Well dearest, they were really, really hungry, and, well-

You looked like a snack.

No, dear stars no, they shouldn't be making light of such a terrible situation!

They tried to harm you because they were really hungry and you were the only one around.

"- [Y/N] come back here! Please! I know how this may look like-"

"- You tried to kill me??! Are you serious?" You were running from them, trying to reach the cafeteria to call an emergency meeting.

They barely scratched your leg before you started running and shouting for them to go away. They can't lie that the smell of your blood coming off of your bruises is fascinating, but they never intended to hurt you in the first place! At least…

At least not when they have full control over their body.

"- Please [Y/N], I'm sorry- Ouch!" You used the wrench that you were using to do your tasks and managed to hurt them with it. Breaking their nose in the process.

You continued to run towards the emergency button, the Imposter right in your trail.

They didn't reach you soon enough, but then again, what would they do if they reached you? Kill you? It would make it obvious that they're the culprit behind so many deaths.

Whenever or not they have reached you, they would have to make a terrible decision. Spare you and sacrifice themselves, of sacrifice you for their own survival needs.

When the rest of the crew came in, they noticed that something clearly happened between you two. You were panicking while the "imposter" was severely bruised.

You yelled, you pleaded, you cried for them to believe your words and get the killer out of the ship, yet, evidence seemed to be against you.

What could they say? They didn't know either to put your life at risk or to put theirs. They couldn't lose you yet- Yet they didn't want to die!!

What type of love would let their soulmate float forever in space?

"- I- I'm the killer, okay!" They said, they clearly didn't want to say it, but they couldn't stand the idea of them throwing you off the spaceship.

Yet, the two crewmates believed that they were lying. That maybe they were trying to convince themselves that their best friend was not the Imposter. Imagine being stuck in space and having to admit that the person you trusted the most was an alien killing machine?

Oh, your crew was so close yet so far from the truth. The vote had ended shortly, with you being thrown into the void.

They didn't know it wasn't you of course, this isn't some game where reality would simply point out the fact that they threw an innocent person out.

The true culprit was screaming and fighting throughout the entire process, feeling a pain worse than any pain imaginable, and pain worse than death. They betrayed your trust, your friendship. They have betrayed their own self-containment, their morals, their love for you!

They should be the ones floating in the freezing void, not you.

And the imbeciles that you used to call crewmates were acting like everything was fine! Like they didn't throw an angel out in the vast space to die.

They were tired of the deaths of the debates, they just wanted this nightmare to finish already!

And while looking at the window separating your numb floating body from the ship, the Imposter started to consider ways to end this endless suffering.

If your crew wanted this to end so bad, then they wouldn't mind disappearing from existence.

"- [Y/N] was not the Imposter." They said while watching your body closely.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

#yandere #sheep's stuff #yandere x reader #yandere headcanon #yandere among us headcanon #yandere among us x reader #yandere among us #yandere imposter #special delivery headcanons #special delivery request

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hauntedliz · 4 years ago

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Unus Annus is a Tragedy

This is a big ole theory that comes after a lot of discussion on the lore hunters discord, so I can’t take all the credit for these ideas, but this is definitely my particular take on it. Hopefully it makes sense lol

Mark and Ethan made a deal: to have one whole year to create whatever they wanted without worry or consequences. No fear of ad revenue or views, just the opportunity to make exactly what they wanted.

They, at least metaphorically if not literally, shook hands with Unus and Annus, and the deal was done. One year of free time, no consequences. Since then we’ve seen them laugh, cry, get angry, go through hardships, and achieve victories. We’ve seen them live, and we’ve also seen them die. Literally in Ethan’s case (”How to Start a Fire”). And then we’ve seen him back in the next video, good as new. We’ve also seen Mark lose touch with reality (Hee Hoo) and return to his usual self by the next video. No consequences.

But something else interesting has been happening. We’ve seen secret messages hidden in the videos, deciphered and read pleas to stop the clock... Someone doesn’t want it all to end. Even before Mark and Ethan opened the coffin in “The Truth of Unus Annus” and were (presumably) replaced by Unus and Annus, someone was begging for more time.

(Buckle up. This gets long and I didn’t want to fill up your dash lol)

Who is this person? We should help, shouldn’t we? Don’t we all wish our beloved channel could survive the year? If there wasn’t a chance it could be saved, these messages wouldn’t exist... right?

Well, no. I think the channel will be deleted as we’ve been told from day one. I think this battle we’re seeing (and some of us fighting in) is one that’s been going on since the beginning of time, and Mark and Ethan just so happened to get wrapped up in it by making the deal. We’re only seeing it now, because this is the first time it’s been documented like this before.

It’s the battle against for time.

Unus means “one.” He wears black, a color that often symbolizes death. In the newer ending animations he passes Annus a clock and also wields a scythe. He is the grim reaper. He is death.

Annus means “year.” He wears white, a color that often symbolizes life. In the end animations when Unus swings the clock to him it becomes a skull. He then holds a flower, a symbol of life, which ultimately wilts. He is the present. He is memories. He is the life of a year.

I don’t think the clock and videos in general are beginning to glitch (the clock going back for a second in “Blood Bath,” static, weird audio, strange jumpcuts especially in “Accepting the Truth,” and of course the hidden codes.) because of anything Mark and Ethan alone are doing. Someone with more power has to be using or working with them to get more time.

Someone like Annus.

Now, I don’t see Unus or Annus as good or evil. Neither is the villain of the channel. As Mark said in “Who’s Cutting Onions in Here?” death isn’t the opposite of life, but part of it. Unus and Annus may say they hate each other (as they have insisted in several videos), but they are two sides to the same coin. They are brothers. They both have a role to play in the universe: Annus must live and create memories in the time he’s given, and Unus must end things.

The glitching we’ve been seeing occurs when a well oiled machine begins to break down. When Unus and Annus try to take more than they’re given. Annus is trying to take more time (with or without the help of Mark and Ethan). He doesn’t want the year to end, he wants to stop the clock and live in this moment for longer.

For Unus, he tries to take things before their time. For example, when Mark kills Ethan at the end of “How to Start a Fire.” Or, as Mark scolds him in “Brutally Honest,” for trying to end videos early. (While in my opinion, this is just Ethan being Ethan, I think another fun connection is how Ethan usually quits hard/gross food challenges before they’re finished lol). It can’t be easy being the ender of things, so I can understand why it might seem less painful to end things as quickly as possible. To stop before there is time to miss what’s gone.

In greedily trying to take more than they’re both given, they have disrupted the harmony of life. Maybe the only way to fix things and bring harmony back to the universe is by allowing the channel to die. Let the channel be erased and let Mark and Ethan move on.

If we let it end, as nature intends everything to one day end, then we can “push reset” and start anew with whatever comes next.

Now does this mean all of our code hunting and fighting was for nothing if all we really have to do is let it die as intended? Not at all! A year is an excellent cause to fight for! These memories have meant so much, and we absolutely should be solving every puzzle we can, but when it comes time- the true time for the end, we have to accept it as part of life.

I have a theory that Unus knows how this works: they have a year together, it ends, but then life begins again in a new year. He is death, he remembers it all. But Annus never remembers this cycle or the past years/lives, because for him they always have to end. He resets and is a new year, a new Annus (at least mentally).

I bet it really takes a toll on Unus to have to end things every time, despite the fight Annus puts up to stay. And he should fight for it! Life is an amazing, beautiful experience even through the hard parts! It is worth the battle, but again, death is not the opposite of life, but part of it. And it always must ultimately come.

I get why Unus would get greedy and want to make things shorter. The sooner it’s over, the sooner it can begin again. It must be so painful to hurt your brother in this way over and over again, because he can’t understand and never will.

*coughs* um, is this a theory or a fanfic? I’m not crying you are. Sorry lol.

But I think the point here is to rage against the dying of the light anyway, but that the only way to win and beat it is to let it happen when its time comes. We got our year, and now it will end as it’s supposed to. And something new and amazing will begin again!

I also just wanted to point out a fun little thing I noticed in “The Truth of Unus Annus” that kind of goes along with my theory a little bit. When Ethan and Mark open the coffin they are facing one another, a united front.

And when the coffin closes, and Unus and Annus are there in their places, they are facing forwards and away from each other. No long united.

THEY JUST GLANCE AT EACH OTHER AND SEPERATE

I’m crying

Anyway, if you’re still here you’re a star. I hope this even vaguely made sense and there weren’t too many typos. It’s a lot, I know lol.

#Unus Annus #unus annus theory #unus annus theories #unus annus clues #unus annus arg #team unus #team annus #camp unus annus #unus #annus #momento mori #PUSH RESET #whokilledmarkiplier #unus annus clue #unus annus ranting

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some-dr-writings · 4 years ago

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(an alternate DR V3 ending) If Tsumugi failed to kill Rantaro and instead got herself killed in the process

· Well… this was unexpected. The ‘mastermind’ went and killed herself and revealed where her secret room was located. But as they say, the show must go on, and that the producers made happen. Initially they were panicked but they quickly came up with an alternate plan, one that may be much more exciting than what they had originally planned. One that viewers were either going to love or hate.

· Even with the mastermind dead the trial still went on, concluding that Tsumugi got herself killed, trying to frame Kaede and because she killed herself, no one was executed.

· Even after the trial everyone continued to investigate the secret room and the passageway that lead to the girl’s bathroom. They still had mysteries to uncover. How was the killing game still occurring with the mastermind dead? Was Tsumugi the mastermind or rather an accomplice? How were their movements being tracked? Were there secret cameras or were there trackers on them? Who was the mastermind? Were they one of the students in their ragtag group, or some malevolent outside force? Was Monokum being controlled by someone or an AI? What about the Monokids, were they the same as Monokuma or different? Those and so much more they were desperate to figure out.

· Monokuma never did a thing to try to stop their search. This made Shuichi suspicious. If pursuing this search was going to yield them results surely Monokuma would have done something, or had he already removed any trace of useful information they could have found? Either way Shuichi knew there was something wrong with this. He would have told Kaede, but now knowing their every action was likely being tracked, he couldn’t risk the Mastermind figuring out his suspicions.

· Shuichi ended up finding an unlikely ally in Kokichi Oma. Everything about him screamed dangerous to Shuichi yet… in the trials he couldn’t miss how the trickster gave hints through the lies and chaos. Kokichi in fact approached Shuichi knowing the detective figured out something and he wanted to find out what it was. They slowly developed a coded language in order to share theories and the like, while still maintaining distance so no one would become suspicious of them.

· Despite Kaede almost killing Rantaro, him, Kaede, and Shuichi became a trio of sorts. The three were always together, encouraging one another and doing all they could to get everyone out of that hell and solve the mysteries of that place, including trying to recover Rantaro’s memories.

· Eventually when Rantaro’s lab was unlocked they only got even more lost. He freely showed them the laptop hoping Shuichi and Kaede could figure out something about why they were all trapped here… or… did they voluntarily join in? But soon after the laptop went missing, Kokichi having stolen it. Only Shuichi knew of it’s whereabouts but didn’t say a word. He didn’t like or want to keep the secret, but it was the only way to get Kokichi’s thoughts on the matter. He was a being of chaos, but that didn’t make him any less brilliant, several steps ahead of everyone else.

· Eventually there were only five left. Kaede Akamatsu, Shuichi Saihara, Rantaro Amami, Kokichi Oma and Kiibo. With tensions running high everyone suspecting one another even if they didn’t want to, they all agreed to hold a trial to figure out if any of them were the Mastermind. They set up chairs and tables in the gym to serve as their makeshift trial grounds. They hoped nothing would come of this. They hoped all they would figure out was that none of them were the Mastermind, after all, why would the Mastermind agree to this without worry of revealing of theirself! R-right?

· At one point in the trial they got to the topic of the voices Kiibo hears. The others didn’t notice but Kokichi did immediately. That tinniest little shift in personality. He asked what the voices were saying right now…

· That’s when it happened.

· As he described what the voices told him Shuichi discovered it. How those voices were getting Kiibo to play a part in each and every murder. All except the first one with Tsumugi. Kiibo began to panic, he couldn’t be a part of this mad house! But it was undeniable, Kiibo was related to this, somehow.

· That’s when Kokichi struck. He kept placing on the pressure, getting Kiibo to snap, screaming he was not the mastermind! He spoke of the previous trials trying to disprove he had anything to do with any of it. It was then Kaede was able to definitively prove that the murders could not have happened without him, his actions lead directly to those tragedies.

· All was quiet as they took in that awful realization. “So… I never had free will? I… I’m just some puppet of the Mastermind?”

· Monokuma came in with the Exisals. He put a stop to the proceedings. Saying that was boring. That they should get to murdering one another instead of searching for some mastermind. Or instead, return the Mastermind’s memories since this game couldn’t be fun for Kiibo anymore. He then flashed one of those lights on Kiibo.

· Kiibo announced his new plan. He’d open up the entire school and give the remaining students the next twelve hours to solve every last mystery of the place, including Kiibo’s own motivations for starting this game and why he’d choose to wipe his own memory.

· They had no choice, they had to investigate one last time.

· In the trial they had come to the conclusion that after the world began to piece itself back together a new Hope’s Peak was created. The people of the world however hated this. The Ultimate hunt began, kill all those with an ‘ultimate’ talent. They were nothing but trouble, it was them that plunged the world into despair. They had to all be eliminated. Dr. Idabashi was one such individual, believing the only way the world could truly start anew was with no talented individuals, everyone starting from scratch at square one. He believed Kiibo, his newest and greatest creation was the only one that could achieve this. He managed to get Kiibo into Hope’s Peak newest class. That was when the newest class’ fate was sealed.

· The principle of the new Hope’s Peak set about protecting these talented youth. First, they tried using the Neo world program to delete any memories of their talent so they could live as normal people, but that did not satisfy the world still wanting them dead. Because Kiibo was a robot he was excluded from this to an extent. They deleted only some of his memories. Dr. Idabashi being a brilliant scientist thought of this and created a failsafe. Should any of Kiibo’s equipment, hardware or software be tampered with an AI, the ‘AUDIENCE’ as he dubbed it, would be many voices that would manipulate Kiibo’s actions into still going through with his true objective. Destroy the talented children and make a show of it, showing what the people of the world would do to any future talented youth. It was unfortunate but it was all for one goal. To keep someone like Junko Enoshima and her Ultimate Despairs from even getting the chance to exist again. Only youth so talented could cause such a travesty so people must fear pursuing their talents… at least in their youth. If they grew into adults and pursue it then, maybe they could utilize their talents, but not when they were children, when their brains were still developing.

· A new plan was formed by Hope’s Peak. They would send out these remaining hopes into space away from potential harm from the world. When the world had calmed, they would return and lead the world into a new era of peace. Little did they know that Kiibo was a person of the world’s will as well as Tsumugi Shirogane. She was given a talent in the same fashion as Izuru Kamukura, as to infiltrate the new class. Tsumugi before boarding the ship had her memories returned to her, so she helped remodeling the ship, fashioning it with the Monokuma room. The people of the world decided to film and project the new murder game worldwide as to show what would become of young talented individuals. Though they hated Monokuma, they decided to repurpose him into a mascot of sorts, a twisted beast that would come to kill all young people with talent in the most twisted of ways.

· That’s what this all was. Kiibo was the will of the people, who wanted these remaining students dead and to suffer when doing so. They had the audacity to pursue their talents even knowing how the world was destroyed in the first place, so they had to pay. Deleting their memories and talents was not enough to pay for what they dared risk to bring back. More of that retched despair. A world of pure neutrality would be better than a world filled with hope and despair.

· With all the mysteries solved Kiibo decided it was high time to give the remaining students their final reward. Blowing up himself as well as the entire ship. But then Kaede, Shuichi, Rantaro and Kokichi insisted on speaking to the world. Kiibo told them they couldn’t change the mind of the world; it was far too scared to be changed. And yet, the four remaining students made their plea to the world.

· A new decision had been made. They could live, as long as they never returned to earth. Recreating those killing games brought no good. Instead they decided to send all talented individuals away to a new planet where they would live, never to return.

· A rather controversial ending, but it was an ending that opened the door to many possibilities and that was good news for the producers. More material to work with, without needing to think much.

· It was rather tricky, pulling the strings and making sure every one of the viewer’s choices lead to a murder but they thought it was well worth it.

· A new season of Danganronpa was already being produced set in ‘the new talented world’

#danganronpa #danganronpa imagine #danganronpa imagines #dr imagine #dr imagines #danganronpa v3 #danganronpa v3 imagine #danganronpa v3 imagines #dr v3 imagine #dr v3 imagines #shuichi saihara #kaede akamatsu #rantaro amami #kokichi oma #kiibo #tsumugi shirogane #mod gundham #danganronpav3 #new danganronpa v3

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escxpiism · 3 years ago

Text

( olivia holt, 23, she/her ) * hey, i’m looking for the office of ALICE ADAMS. they’re the EMPLOYEE who’s known around the office as THE MASK if that helps ? not to be a gossip, but i’ve heard that they’re ADAPTABLE but JADED, is that true ? i also heard that they’re the one who CATFISHED DAVID HASSELHOFF. anyways, here’s the coffee they ordered.

hi y’all !! i’m may ( 21 // est // she/her ) and i am super super pumped to be here !! i’m also very much writing this against my better judgment ya girl’s running on four hours of sleep and has the option to sleep more but......... is not tired ?? so i do apologize if my mind is secretly tired and makes this intro,,,, even worse than it would be fahouedn. on with the show !! anyway anyway!! feel free to like this if u wld like 2 plot and i will hit u up!!

( also, for some vibes if you so choose to read, here’s the link to her playlist ! )

----------------------------------------------------

QUICK FACTS:

full name: alice audrey adams

date of birth: october 26th, 1997

*will not perfectly reflect the zodiac big three below because that’s.... math.

zodiac big three: scorpio sun, virgo moon, taurus rising

gender & pronouns: cis woman & she/her

sexual orientation: bisexual

education: ged, bachelor’s degree in film — pratt institute

enneagram: 4w3

mbti: enfp

temperament: sanguine-melancholic

label: the mask

various inspirations: “nutshell” - alice in chains, “santa monica” - everclear, “polly” - nirvana, “jennifer’s body” - hole, “creep” - stone temple pilots, kate wallis ( cruel summer - shhhh ), heather davis ( crazy ex-girlfriend ), satana hellstrom ( marvel comics ), bojack horseman - without the amount of problematic ego ( bojack horseman ), eddie huang ( fresh off the boat ), the great britney spears evolution ( temporarily stopping at circus era )

BACKSTORY:

triggers in order: toxic family dynamic, grooming (nothing super in-depth), kidnapping (? like it was ‘willing’ but no. see next trigger for why), toxic “relationship” (and 11yr age gap w/ a 16y/o we hate it), straight-up captivity, very brief mention of suicide + heroin (very!)

*would like to quickly preface that this isn’t just Dark for the sake of being r/im14andthisisdeep but that’s for a later time **(also! i have markers for where the grooming + Super Dark parts begin and end! -- also, the Super Dark part is all very public knowledge. had articles. media frenzy. first thing that comes up if you google her name) *** also. if u need it then a tl;dr is below this section hfkldsa

alice audrey adams was born to the type of family that names all of their children alliterative names ( however, they sadly didn’t get their own kardashian-style show )... alexis adams (working name, utp if taken as a wc)... alfie allison adams (working name, utp if taken as a wc)... born to anna adams and allen adams... we hate it here.

as u can see... all of the kids were basically named after allen... they all had ‘al’ names.... extremely confusing

plot-twist: THAT’S the darkest part

the adams were very concerned with public image. as a family in the upper echelon, they simply had to be! a narcissist father, a distant mother, put in competition with her siblings — there was no truly healthy dynamic in the household. but they looked good. they went to church every sunday, a ‘wwjd’ sticker on the back of her mother’s car. they did just enough activities and took just enough trips together to get the image across. they threw parties. they attended parties. they were the picture perfect american family — they even had two cats in the yard! life used to be so hard!

of course, in reality, this all left ms alice quite the lonely gal. but don’t worry! she didn’t turn to hedonism! lord no! instead, she turned to other people. a lot of friendships — couldn’t tell if they were real or #fortheclout — but at a point, did it matter?

grooming tw: it all came to a screeching halt when she met luke johnson, the son of their neighbors. he came back from california to georgia to visit family, care for his ailing father. oh, he was a good man! sure, he was ‘somewhat’ older than her — 27 when she was 16 — but he was such a good, handsome young man! and they were all still calling him young man, after all.

alice ‘began’ a torrid affair with luke after about a month into his visit. although she saw no immediate wrong in it, he insisted she keep it a secret ‘for the time being’ — which really just made it all the more exciting! he made all the storm clouds that hovered disappear.

one day, the levee broke for alice (still figuring out what exactly happened because i don’t wanna go too dark since this is already extremely dark, but trust that it had something to do with her parents and was just enough to push her over the edge). convinced luke was the only safe person, she turned to him. knowing their small community would catch on and essentially exile him, he took that opportunity to convince her to go back to santa monica with him where they could ‘start anew’ after his father’s death.

there are a few details i plan on adding regarding like. how legality playing into it. but i may just reserve those for an official bio lhakfsdfj

**BEGINNING OF SUPER DARK** for a while, there was the question of whether they should consider it a kidnapping or not. she went with him willingly, but she was still underage (and… you know, that age difference… the power dynamic... gross y’all). the adams insisted that it was (bc it basically was lbr) — primarily because it would make them look far better — but the community still questioned the logistics and legalities of it all… ugh. did the police really wanna deal with that? ugh.

in any case, on the other side of us america, autumn was nearing. alice would have the very occasional inquiry over how school would work (very occasional! don’t worry, luke!), over the logistics of her new life… and, after receiving multiple calls from various friends (in addition to her siblings) that sounded genuine, began wondering… if she’d made the right choice. questions about him.

when she began bringing up the idea of going back — at least for the school year!! — he would continuously remind her that she was not old enough to buy herself a plane ticket (and he was not about to do that). she also couldn’t rent a car yet (and he certainly wouldn’t let her take (one of) his car(s)!). but most importantly? he loved her. and she loved him. (what a creep!)

so, for a hot second, it seemed like she was stuck. damn legalities!! damn love!! you know, until she texted her older sister back with all of the problems that only being 16... and “in love”.... caused. her sister offered to fly down, buy her a plane ticket, and fly back with her.

when luke saw this (with all the unrestricted access to her phone he had so he could block, delete, and manipulate as he pleased), he confronted her. things went awry. she wound up in his budding wine cellar (which he soon emptied, of course… those merlots :( ….). he messaged back and, as her, said it was actually all good!! luke had figured out the logistics and she could call whenever she wanted!!

and those calls became frequent! because she would pick up when luke held it up to her! because she was pretty sure luke would kill her if she didn’t!

she wasn’t sure how long it was until she was officially Found. it took what was ruled a suicide by luke, a shot to the head and heroin in his system, to finally get any authority’s attention. all she knew was that she went to santa monica in mid june and she stopped seeing regular daylight by late july. so some time in august to some time in april… **END OF SUPER DARK + GROOMING**

she was returned to georgia shortly after and everything was different. from herself to her friends. but everything was also the same. from her room to her family. it was all… teasing. she began going to therapy, but she really sucked at it?? so she just let her therapist rely on various articles that covered the event. because it had been a media circus. good enough, amirite??

she didn’t have the will or patience to put on that peppy facade she’d had before, but there were still a few things she found a smidge of joy in. music (although her taste had… slightly altered and wow! it’d been almost a year since she’d picked up that bass!), videography… just those small things, you know??

for the first half of the ~ 2014 fall semester ~, she attempted actual school. really was not working out. with, for probably the first and only time, her parents’ approval and understanding, she dropped out and studied for a ged -- shorter and self-led -- instead.

she passed with a pretty decent grade... but it’s been argued that she really shouldn’t have gotten into pratt institute (she was at least realistic and didn’t apply to, like… cornell), but she did. national news helps.

while in the concrete jungle where dreams are made of, she learned of masters. she submitted an application as a joke — because her grades sucked!!!!! — but guess who got a job?? oh, she could pretend it was because her selected portfolio was actually genuinely good… but, man… we all know…

fun fact: my uncle applied to harvard as a joke. some twenty-five years later, we still haven’t heard back :\

she… continues to suck. like… she kinda wants the place to eventually burn down?? figuratively speaking (or is it…) but ya, for all the monopolizing she has seen turn people Evil?? but the hell can she do about it… just gotta make sure she keeps her in-house videographer job… maybe she can do something about it when she like… is capable. fuaihoelwdjkn

she sees an in-house therapist and i’d say ‘good for her,’ but it was mandated l m a o

doesn’t talk about herself all that much!! but that might not matter for some people, yk?? ugh journalism <3

y’all im so bad at ending intros.

TL;DR:

(consult above trigger list): bright kid in a super rich and toxic family because obviously. everything they did was just to look good <3 also they all had ‘a’ names which is the biggest tragedy of all :( ‘fell in love’ when she was 16ys/o with a 27y/o who was visiting to care for his father in his final days. had a torrid affair. creep. creep (luke) basically made her ‘fall in love.’ she thought creep was the only safe person at one point and creep was like ‘wanna go back 2 santa monica w me?’ and she was like ‘yes.’ and everyone was like ‘was this kidnapping... we cant tell....’ then he became even more possessive when she started questioning him and some logistics. when she finally found a way she could go back to georgia for a spell, he was like ‘no u can go in my wine cellar btw i will be taking all of the wine out.’ he kept her there from august to april and... only reason he didnt keep keeping her was bc he was Caught so. back to georgia where the devil went down. everything was Worse. even the things that were the same. but hey, the sob story that landed her in the news plenty of times got her into a college she shouldn’t have gotten into and gave her a leg-up in a joke application for a job at masters (in-house videographer). really bad at doing her work but like... fuck the man i guess??

PERSONALITY + HEADCANONS:

has no time for Fake Nice (which, as a born southerner, she’s really good at sniffing out!). has no time for arrogance. kind of makes her at odds with the nyc upper class...

on that note, still got a lil bit of some georgia twang

she lets herself indulge in various vices, but has left a previous hedonist status. weed and alcohol are still pretty common, but everything else is kept at arm’s length.

also, while on that topic, she Does Not drink wine. being trapped in a cellar... kinda makes u averse. like. literally despises it. will go on autopilot and make it KNOWN if offered wine.

also ALSO while on that topic, after looking it up and seeing she fits the new york city requirements, she has a medical marijuana card <3 the one good thing, if u ask her, to come out of therapy/psychiatry <3 will not show it off unless absolutely NECESSARY bc then it gets personal or <3 will lie about why and say it’s like for epilepsy or sumn unless ur rolfe but <3 she has it <3

at odds with herself. enjoys the company of others, definitely has a history of being an extrovert, but has become very selective with the company she keeps.

VERY private person! has had enough public standing!

...has occasionally used her story to advance her tho bc it’s her national newsworthy tragic story and she can exploit it if she wants <3

when good charlotte said “i don’t wanna be in love”?? she felt that. her last ‘relationship’ ruined that for her <3 save her <3

used to be really into pop! bc pop is fun! she loved some britney (i mean... she still does... how can u not!)! but. her taste has changed drastically. rarely listens to pop. has traded britney for like.... hole and the like.

her parents didn’t use this as the basis for her name but,, 2 me,,, she’s named alice for a reason <3 gotta luv alice in chains <3

y’all i found a youtube comment on a video called ‘nirvana - half the man i used to be’ (the song was, in fact, ‘creep’ by stone temple pilots) and it’s <3 her music taste <3 click here for it <3

the above said, dresses like she’s in seattle in the early 90s.

her rumor is true btw she DID catfish david hasselhoff and she will proudly tell u. it’s her best accomplishment.

completely stopped talking to her parents and got cut-off a while back ago so now she’s livin like the Prols

which is how a rich kid one of my profs once advised referred to his classmates.... hilarity ensues.

the above in mind, her parents say she’s testing the waters as a ‘normal person’ to save face. they can’t have anyone knowing their family isn’t perfect <3

she has a pet turtle whom she named “dr. turtle,” although he’s constantly referred to as “doc” or “the doc.” he has his own youtube channel and tiktok account.

she has a wall full of evidence that courtney love did not kill kurt cobain... it makes sense, believe me.

became a vegetarian...... partially because it was different from her original life and a way to control something, partially because this commercial made her feel SO BAD.

literally her default mode is stoned like... a totally sober alice is rarer than a nessie sighting

when she was 18, before she could ‘hold her liquor’ as well as she can now, she got a lil too drunk and now has a portrait tattoo of courtney love on her forearm. but it was done well at least!!

kind of ironic considering her career, but RARELY posts on any social media site except twitter. after the media circus in 2014 and All Eyes On Her, she’s just..... so tired...... of ppl seeing her face and being like ‘omg ur that wine cellar bitch!’

(drugs tw) has become more and more Addicted to playing around with fate. j chill on a ledge, talkin to some pals, but deciding it’s a good idea to swing her legs on the wrong side of ledge? totally! mixing a lot of alcohol with opioids which she is not accustomed to? DEF!! (end tw)

more to come!!

CONNECTION IDEAS:

i have two (2) queued up!! but while we wait for them to post, i’ll just… link them over here: 1, 2

muse u <3 the other half of her subplot from the main <3

her older sister!

her younger sibling!

some of the basics!! you know: close pal, roommate, drug buddies (but she gotta hit them up), fwb, ons, frenemies, enemy

ppl who recognize her from the 2014 luke johnson articles and have either brought it up or,,,,,,, act Awkward™

cld be fun 2 just have like. a jam bud. someone who plays any instrument and they j. jam sometimes.

ppl she sells. some of her medical marijuana to. bc yk what weed may be legal in nyc now but,,,, she’s still found a way to be broke she will accept anything. and also it just became legalized THIS YEAR so!!

i have a budding wc page @ https://escxpiism.tumblr.com/wcs (and when i say budding, i MEAN budding) so feel free 2 check it out!!

more to come!!

#masters.intro #alice | intro !#this took me like....... 2hrs 2 write so i do indeed think my mind is fooling me and actually lagging behind.

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vintagesimstress · 4 years ago

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VI a. UV_0

(Previous: V. Adding missing body parts / Frankenmeshing / Finishing touches)

As promised, I'll finally talk about uv maps today. About time! Sorry it took so long; I hope at least you'll feel that it was worth the wait.

Generally speaking, uv maps are 2D representations of a 3D mesh. A mesh cut into pieces and made flat. TS4 meshes use two of them, called – very originally – uv_0 and uv_1. You can see them listed if you click the little triangular symbol in the panel on the very right (if you hover over the triangle, it says 'Data').

Why are there two? Because they serve very different purposes. To put it simply, uv_0 is responsible for the texture of your mesh, while uv_1 makes the mesh move with body sliders. Therefore we'll need to discuss them separately. Let's start with uv_0.

As you can see, uv_0 is the one selected by default. If you switch the mesh shading to 'Material' or 'Texture', you're going to immediately see any changes you make to it. The map itself is located in the window on the left – the one which we haven't used so far at all. Let's go into edit mode and then make that window bigger, so that we could see all the icons at the bottom.

Right now nothing is happening there. But let's just try selecting a random part of the mesh...

Important: when you use shortkeys, pay attention to your cursor's position! E.g. if you press b with your cursor in the uv map area, it'll activate the selection tool for the map, not for the 3D mesh.

You can see that a bunch of little dots appeared on the map! Those are your selected vertices.

Now, I don't know why this is the default option for Blender – your vertices being invisible on the uv map unless selected – but you can easily change it, so that you could always see them. You just have to click one of those tiny icons at the bottom. If you hover over it, it says 'Keep UV and edit mode mesh selection in sync'.

I find it way easier to work with this way: you can see all the vertices, and the ones which you selected are highlighted now, just like in case of the 3D model.

Then there's another important tiny button, right between 'UVs' and 'New'. If you click it, you'll see a list of all texture files associated with your mesh. In my case it's only two basic files: the body texture and the texture of the top I used as a base, but if you're frankenmeshing, that list can get much longer. Let's choose the original diffuse map.

You can see that the map reflects perfectly whatever is going on with the 3D mesh. The parts not covered by any texture use the skin texture instead. Not the whole texture of the top is used, because at the very beginning I cut off the bottom part of the mesh. There's also an abundance of vertices in the waist area, because I extruded the lowest row of vertices to make a skirt; and, as I didn't make any changes to the uv map yet, the new vertices appeared right on top of the original ones. In fact, if you select that lowest line on the uv map, you'll see that the whole skirt gets selected.

UV maps can also be useful for detecting weird stuff happening to your mesh. I can see that there's some line going across the top. I switched to edge select, selected it and found out it really is some completely useless edge going through my 3D mesh. No idea how it got there, but thanks to the uv map I could spot and delete it.

Just a couple of other tiny icons before we proceed to fixing our uv_0 map. Firstly, there's the little pin, which let's you – unsurprisingly – pin the currently used texture, so that Blender wouldn't switch to any other ones (yep, it likes doing it). Just click it and you're safe.

And then, right next to it, there's a little cross. Remember what I said about the list of used textures getting super long if you're frankenmeshing? It can get annoying if you don't need 80% of them, but have to scroll through them all whenever you want to switch from texture A to texture B. If you're sure you don't need a certain texture, select it and then shift-click that little cross. That'll tell Blender that this texture is not used, so it doesn't have to load it. You'll need to save your mesh, close Blender and reopen it for the changes to be applied!

OK. Now that you have an idea what's what, we can finally talk about editing the uv_0.

In case of TS4 diffuse maps, it's very important where you put your texture. Each category has its designated part on the map. It looks like this:

You can download the template in default, EA size (1024x2048) HERE, and a twice bigger one (2048x4096) HERE. In my own creations I always use the 2048x4096 format – it lets me fit in way more details without stuff getting badly pixelated – but that's obviously not a must. Now, at the bottom of the uv window, click 'Image' and then 'Open image'. Find the template you just downloaded and double-click it (or choose 'Open image').

Whatever you do with your uv map, there are two basic rules you have to follow. One, fit the vertices only in the place meant for the category you're working on. If you're making a dress, you can ignore the top/bottom division (although be aware that if you do ignore it, you won't be able to split your dress into separates), but that's the only exception. Don't let your vertices go into the shoes or face area. If you're making a skirt, stick to the area marked as bottom. If you're making a top, fit them all in the area marked as top. It seems obvious, but I've seen sooo many CC pieces which are incompatible with each other, because their textures overlap. Some of them are beautiful and even made by really well-known, established creators. So I think it doesn't hurt to overstress this point a bit. Please pay attention to it!

And two: don't move anything which is supposed to be bare skin. Or half-transparent texture printed on top of the skin (not 3D). It's an absolute no-no. Terrible stuff will happen if you do it. If you accidentally did it, then... Oh boy. You may try to move it back into the right position, but maybe it'd be easier to just delete those parts altogether and just append them anew (as explained in the previous part).

As for the parts which you intend to texture – so, in this case, your dress – you can theoretically put them anywhere you want (that is, as long as you stay in the top/bottom area and don't overlap the bare skin parts). Your map doesn't necessarily have to look like the ones made by EA. However, I think not following the EA style (top on the left, bottom underneath, sleeves on the right, any extra deco in the free slots) may result in your clothing being sunbathing-incompatible. I can't say for sure, as I don't have Island Living, so my sims don't tan, but I suspect the tan lines depend exactly on your uv_0 map. I don't think it makes any difference in case of Victorian dresses, but if you're making something more modern, which could leave some visible tan lines, you probably shouldn't go too wild while making your uv_0 map.

Let's go back to our dress. Because we used the top as a base, half of the work is already done. We only need to 'unwrap' the skirt (and any decorations, if you added them). There are 4 ways in which I usually approach it:

1) Selecting the rows in 3D view and moving them manually (g, y) on the uv map

It's not very practical now, when the skirt is already full of those horizontal lines, but at an earlier stage it would have been very quick and easy. The important thing is, you should do it before adding 'fillers' (i.e. those lines which you don't move, scale or whatever, but just add them and leave them as is). Depending on the size of your dress, you probably achieved the desired shape with 3-5 lines. Move them on the uv map, make sure the proportions look correct (you can always try to open some patterned image for a second, to see if everything looks ok – see part VI b) and only then add the fillers. They'll automatically appear in the right places on the map.

2) Cylinder projection

You can also decide to unwrap the skirt. Select it, either in the 3D mesh or uv map window. Now, with your cursor in the 3D mesh window, press t to unhide the panel on the left and go to the 3rd category: 'Shading/UVs'. In the UVs section you'll see a button called 'Unwrap'. If you click it, a drop-down menu will appear, with different unwrapping styles/options. Choose 'Cylinder projection'. Watch out: your viewpoint matters! Before you unwrap, go to the right side view (num 3).

I took the screenshot from the wrong side, please pretend you didn't notice (-.-)

A whole bunch of new vertices should appear on your uv map – in a completely wrong place. We'll have to move them under the top. You'll notice, however, that if you try to move, scale or do whatever else with your skirt, it affects the lowest line of your top as well. That's because the top line of the skirt and the bottom line of the top are actually the same vertices, just duplicated on the uv map. You could select only that one line and edge split it (ctrl + e, in the 3D view), but an easier way around it is simply switching from vertex select to face select. Face select has some special powers when it comes to uv maps: it lets you not only move stuff separately, but also select parts of the mesh with L (multiple select with shift + L). Neither of those things works when in vertex or edge select mode.

Now you can simply scale the selection down and put it under the top. Adjust it in any way necessary, so that it'd align with the top nicely. Make sure that the faces are in the right places! Select the bottom-left face of the top and then, in the 3D view window (left side view, ctrl + num 3), click the face right underneath it. Is it the top-left one of the skirt on the uv map? If so, perfect! If not, you've got some manual moving to do. Just select any faces which are in the wrong place and move them along the x axis (g, x) till they are placed properly.

It should look fine by default though. That's exactly why we went to the right-side view before unwrapping.

If your skirt goes into the shoes area, scale it down along the y axis! (g, y)

Now the only thing left to do is to weld the vertices and get rid of the gap between the skirt and the top. Go back to vertex select and select the second vertex from the left. You'll see that – just as before – a vertex of the top gets highlighted too. Press W and, from the drop-down menu, choose 'Weld'.

Do the same for all the vertices in that line, except for the first and last one.

What about the first and last one? The problem is, they are all actually the same vertex. If you select any of them, you'll see that the other one gets highlighted as well. Welding them would make them meet in the middle, and that's not something you want to happen. So what can you do? This time there's no other way around it than splitting. Select the whole vertical line (either the left or right one), move the cursor to the 3D view area, press ctrl + e and choose 'edge split'.

Now you should be able to weld each of those vertices separately. When you're done, select all (a) and (in 3D view) remove doubles (w).

And that's basically it. Of course, if you want to, you can dedicate some more time to your uv map, making sure everything looks absolutely perfect. You can, for example, edit certain lines – or all – and make them perfectly straight. Just select a line, press w and choose 'Align x/y'. It's especially useful for deco parts – you'll see what I mean once you get to texturing.

3) Professional tailoring (marking seams)

This method is quite crazy, but can be very useful in some cases – e.g. if you're making a patterned dress with a huuuuge skirt and want the pattern to look even. To use it, you have to imagine for a second that you're a tailor/seamstress and that your mesh is a real dress, made from real pieces of material. Where would this material be cut and sewn together?

Once you know where the seams would be, go to edge select mode and, well, select those edges. Then press ctrl + e and choose 'Mark seam'. Make sure you really mark all the seams which would be there in case of a real dress!

Once you're done, select your whole dress (or whatever it is that you're making). Do not select body parts! Once again go the panel on the left (if it's not there, unhide it with t) and this time simply select 'Unwrap'.

And now just go to face select, scale down the results of your unwrapping and put them anywhere (but in the right category :P). If something looks wrong, that most probably means you forgot to mark some seam. You'll have to go on a search for it. I'll be honest: I have zero idea of sewing, so using this method is quite tricky for me and I'm struggling myself with marking all the right edges as seams. I used it only twice so far, in my last 2 projects. Here's how my 1843 dress looks like after unwrapping:

As you can see, the uv map is plain crazy and, as mentioned before, definitely not tanning-compatible, but thanks to it later I didn't have to adjust the pattern to each part of the mesh individually – I could just fill the whole texture with pattern and only had to erase it from the parts which were supposed to be uncovered. It does make your life easier if you make 66 swatches :P.

4) Projecting from view

Yet another unwrapping option, useful mostly for smaller, decorative elements. Or in general: for stuff which you can see properly. I use it mostly for bottoms (I mean... That thing 'closing' the dress at the bottom). Go to the bottom view (ctrl + 7), select the whole bottom part (might be easier to do on the uv map, now that you've unwrapped the skirt!) and, from the unwrap drop-down menu, select 'Project from view'.

Go to face select, scale the thing down and put it somewhere in the area for decorative elements. For example here:

Done!

***

Here's also a small general tip: it's always better to separate clothing parts from body parts on the uv_0 map. I'm thinking especially of the neckline. It's the only way to get a sharp, clear line; if you just paint the neckline in your graphic editor, it'll become blurry in game. It seems that the devs realised it at some point too, as at least some pieces from later DLCs have a gap in the uv_0 between the neck and the collar. Just select the whole top-bottom area, deselect the neck and move the part which should be textured a bit down.

***

Whichever method you chose, your dress has a ready uv_0 map. Now there's only one thing left to do: you should export the uv layout, so that you'll know where to put your texture. At the bottom of the uv map area, click 'UVs' and then choose 'Export UV Layout'.

A new window will appear. Save it wherever you want, under whichever name. The only important thing is, you must tick that little box on the left saying 'All UVs'. Then just click the 'Export UV Layout' button.

And that's all. Congratulations! You're fully done with your uv_0 map.

(Next: VI b. Changing the texture displayed in Blender)

#tutorial #Blender #blender 2.79 #uv_0 #unwrapping #playtested on hubs

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shinjaeha · 4 years ago

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itsay ep 5 (thoughts + spoilers)

i feel like i’m on a high that i’ll never come down from :))) the itsay effect. this show is truly a cultural reset.

first up, i just want to say that i have never been more worried about a final ep before IN MY LIFE. for the past couple eps, i’ve tried to watch them live raw, but for this one, i was afraid of spoilers (and wanted to understand everything from the first watch), so i waited for the vimeo ep to drop and let me tell you...that was both the longest and shortest wait ever...the excitement and the dread i’ve been feeling this whole week has been unreal.

as usual, this is not an analysis. tbh there’s prob going to be even less analysing in this one bc most of the time i was either crying or yelling at my screen (and i feel like this ep in general didn’t have as many scenes to analyse?). but god, i’m SO GLAD that they gave us a happy ending bc it would have broken me into pieces if i had to rewatch and recap this knowing everything had fallen apart for them (ecstatic that wasn’t the case, and my feelings from last ep on how things might go in this one actually panned out!!). after what went down in ep 4, i always thought that that was going to be the peak of the climax/conflict, and that this one was going to be much more of a healing ep...the ep that would bring more closure to each of the characters and their relationships, as well as wrap things up as a final ep should.

so the way this ep starts is actually kind of anti-climactic. esp after the intense emotions of what happened at the end of ep 4. which is understandable? like they were being petty teenagers angry at one another, but now it’s a few days later, and all those heated emotions have tempered down. they’re in that awkward stage where neither of them even know how to start approaching one another after the loaded feelings of the last ep (basically this is what happened to them when they were children. no one reached out, and they both drifted apart...only now they’re aware of what might happen if no one reaches out and it’s a question of whether they let history repeat itself).

oh-aew using the cue cards that teh gave him and being worried ;;; doing that thing that teh told him about writing something over and over again when he can’t say it out loud...teh deleting his line chat history ;;; i was torn with this one bc on one hand noooooo, but on the other, it could be representing them starting anew again?? ALSO, they always know how to make the most of the ost in this show (i think it’s the can’t translate/lost in translation instrumental?). i was literally shaking the first time i watched this.

i was actually very worried about how his mum was going to treat him after last ep...i thought she would be angry/ignore him, and i was feeling so anxious about it...maybe bc i personally know what that’s like. that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you’re scared of how they’ll react to you after a fight. teh wanting to make his mum proud is hugely important to him, so when she handed him the plate, i actually let out a sigh of relief. i’m glad that his mum understood and backed him when he needed it most (she may not be fully all the way there yet, but feelings are raw and it takes time). and i already knew hoon would, so i wasn’t too worried on that front.

tarn is so good for teh, and i really see why they were drawn to each other. but i like how she’s prioritising what’s right for her, and also telling him like it is. they need to focus on their studies now and figure out the other stuff later.

teh loitering outside the tutoring classroom before entering sort of reminds me of ep 1 when teh and oh-aew met up for the first time after their first fight...just this time it’s less straight up antagonism between the two of them and more hurt feelings as they avoid each other instead. i also appreciate the gang during this. they’re so normal and encouraging about the whole situation. they know something went down between teh and oh-aew, but they don’t really press too much about it. just let teh know that they’re here if he needs someone to talk to.

the ep 5 trailer played us!!!!!!! i was WONDERING why oh-aew would suddenly say all that nice stuff about bas (not that bas doesn’t deserve the nice stuff, he’s an ANGEL) in front of class, but their teacher was the one that put them up to it. the horror i felt as i watched teh look straight at oh-aew but turn to bless phillip instead and then start on that whole spiel about how phillip “never sees the good intentions of friends as worthless. never says ‘no’ to what friends give you” and how he’ll never leave him because of that. ALL RIGHT IN FRONT OF OH-AEW’S SALAD...STOP TEH. PLEASE. he’s digging himself into this hole himself with the passive aggressiveness again. THEN BAS COMING IN TO STEAL THIS WHOLE SCENE. i don’t think any of us were expecting him to be as forward as he was but omg. he laid it all out on the line in the way that teh couldn’t (at this point in time). i’m really, really glad that oh-aew got to hear what bas thought of him though, and that bas got to tell oh-aew all his feelings. nothing is misconstrued. he’s so brave and the utter respect i have for him increased by tenfold...what a fantastic character. just so sure and convinced in how he feels, and so uncaring of what anyone else thinks. it’s so damn refreshing. and for oh-aew to know that there’s nothing wrong with him at all. that he’s desirable and wanted and loved (it calls back to ep 4 when oh-aew’s sobbing and desperately asking teh “what did i do wrong??” again and again). it must have meant so much to him. the conflict i felt in my heart watching that and knowing that bas would be SUCH a good guy for oh-aew, but also knowing that sometimes that’s just not enough.

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON TEH’S REACTION TO ALL THIS. he’s truly facing the consequences of his actions in this one. but just imagine being in this position, being too scared to own up to your own heart, and then watching this other boy do it like it’s the easiest thing in the world?? like it’s just another regular day?? like it’s nothing?? all to the boy that you’re in love with. to the boy that wanted this exact thing from you, but you couldn’t give. it’s like teh’s watching oh-aew slip through his very fingers, but knowing that it’s bc he never had oh-aew in the first place (and the reason for that is himself). i also really love how no one in class (including their teacher) makes a big deal out of this? they’re all just applauding bc it’s a sweet confession. it would be so jarring for teh to see this acceptance when the fear of society not accepting his feelings for oh-aew is one of the reasons he can’t accept them himself.

anyway, i had like one thought in this next scene and it was just DRINK THE COCONUT TEH. DRINK IT!!!!!!! so nice to see how his fam loves and believes in him.

teh watching on as bas and oh-aew take the first step with their left foot :(((

LOVE how they use the firecrackers going off to represent anytime there’s some sort of shift in teh and oh-aew’s relationship (when they first met, when they had their first fight, and now again when they talk for the first time after the fight and oh-aew tells him teh that he and bas are dating now). it’s such a great way to symbolise the spark and passion of their relationship. anyway, this meeting mostly consists of the both of them trying not to cry as they act civil with one another and skirt around what happened. teh asking about what the deal is with oh-aew and bas is like a parallel with what happened last ep when oh-aew asked about teh and tarn...only this time oh-aew and bas are actually dating...man, this is really not the kind of news you want to hear right when you’re about to sit one of your most important exams ever :/// teh holding himself together until the moment oh-aew leaves and then just having a fucking meltdown over the news :((( as always, it just hurts to see teh torture himself in this way. but esp when he’s supposed to be sitting his exam and he just can’t stop crying in the exam room (been in that position and have almost done the same thing before). when he hadn’t finished his exam and they were like “time’s up, pencils down” the sheer panic i felt at this...ugh. i hate it.

the elation on bas’ face when oh-aew asks him out for chinese new year. he’s the cutest. THE ABSOLUTE CUTEST. and then when he holds oh-aew’s hand????? the boldness of it. he. just. does. not. care. i wish i had that sort of confidence!! oh-aew’s shock at this too. his realisation that it’s okay. that this is okay. and then bas being all “why would i be?” after oh-aew asks if he’s embarrassed. bas is literally giving oh-aew everything that he wanted from teh and more (compare this to that scene in ep 3 where teh and oh-aew grazes hands but don’t hold each other’s hands). he’s proud to be with him and to show the world. and, you know what?? i would do anything in the world for bas to be happy.

AND HERE WE HAVE IT. MY LONG AWAITED HOON/TEH HEART TO HEART. i wanted teh to tell hoon soooooooo badly, so to hear the words come out of his mouth...that his brother was the first person he told. i felt so relieved bc i knew that hoon would support him no matter what. the struggle in teh’s face and words...he fought so long and hard against ever admitting these feelings to someone else out loud that it would have felt so incredibly terrifying, yet also like a weight being lifted off his chest, to finally get them out there. to have someone else know his secret. and to know that his brother loves him unconditionally regardless. “if you like him, you go after him” THE WAY I SOBBED DURING THIS. i really loved what hoon said to teh. he didn’t sugarcoat things and say that everything was going to be fine if teh liked boys too. not every single person you meet is going to be okay with who you are, that’s just a fact, but i loved that he emphasised to teh that HE was okay with it. it’s just what teh needed to hear. and that it might take their mum some time to accept it too, but all she truly wants is for teh to be happy. just the feeling of hearing his brother, someone that he very clearly looks up to and respects, tell him that he can like whoever he wants to like?? that it’s all up to him and he’ll still be there for him whoever he wants to be with?? teh sorely needed that and i’m glad he got it. hoon encouraging him to go fight for his love!!!!!!! i was cry laughing at how teh just starts bawling his eyes out at hoon telling him to go after oh-aew, but then teh telling him that it’s too late for him bc he likes someone else. like from hoon’s perspective, he’s prob just like ‘this is so needlessly dramatic’ and the sibling energy during that whole part is too real. i love them.

watching bas/oh-aew with the rest of the gang and their respective girlfriends really makes you realise how open and accepting they all are. like teh was terrified in the scene just before about how his friends might not accept him and oh-aew, but then you see them here with bas/oh-aew and no one even cares (which i expected bc they’ve been supportive since day one, but it’s just nice to see in practice too). oh-aew teasing them all ahhh. cute. phillip being the relatable only single guy there (me at every gathering i go to with my relatives omg).

THE PIANIST PLAYING SKYLINE. they really wanted us all to be SAD sad huh, and they succeeded. how it pans to oh-aew and this song is yet ANOTHER reminder of teh...you know he’s thinking about cape scene where they were singing and translating to one another. on the day they made their promise to each other :( and teh being there too??????? all alone with his bowl of oh-aew on the table. feeling the exact same heartbreak that oh-aew’s feeling too :( it’s the way that so much of their relationship is beyond words for me. but they’re also both hurting so much that i just want to push them together and make them talk so they can clear everything up.

hoon talking in cute japanese to nozomi on the phone while teh goes through oh-aew’s old worksheets and cries I HATE IT HERE. i love the different ways in which teh has smelt oh-aew’s coconut scent since ep 2. how it evolves from curiosity to desire to him heartbrokenly reminiscing, every feeling changing with the shifts in their relationship.

can i just say that oh-aew’s parents are ADORABLE. but also, finding out exam results is the worst kind of anxiety. was so happy that oh-aew got in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he worked his ass off for this :’))) teh not getting his first pick wasn’t altogether surprising bc it did feel like they were leading up to this. but when he apologised to his mum about it ;;; noooo, she’s so proud of you. as someone who’s been through this process before (and didn’t get my first pick either), it always feels like it’s end of the world when you don’t get the uni pick that you want, but it really isn’t. still, it sucks when you’re in the moment there’s no denying that. but i get that it’s also particularly sad for teh since he’d already basically gotten his first pick before he gave it up for oh-aew. but again, it’s all part of the learning process, and the consequences for his actions.

BAS BEING BEST BOY EVER YET AGAIN. how he knows exactly how oh-aew feels bc he feels it too, but he never imposes those feelings on oh-aew. he knows that oh-aew’s heart isn’t with him, can’t be when it’s with someone else, and bc he cares that much about oh-aew, he guides him in teh’s direction. it’s never a good idea to date someone who’s hung up on someone else, but i’m glad that they tried at the very least. the both of them did what they could, and oh-aew needed to experience it to know. i’m really glad that bas was there to make oh-aew realise how worth it he is too...and bas deserves someone that loves him back just as much as he loves them. seeing bas cry is the worst experience ever. 0/5. never want this ever again thank u. their hug scene was just devastating, and worse still bc it’s not anyone’s fault...you just can’t help how you feel, and that’s just the way it is sometimes.

idk why but for me, the scene with tarn was possibly the hardest scene for me to watch in this ep. it’s interesting how he’s wearing the shirt that oh-aew was wearing in ep 3 in this scene (with the bold ‘sunset’ lettering). i guess it symbolises him being ready to open up about his feelings on where their relationship is heading? either way, she’s a great friend. she’s so encouraging, and understands him and his ambitions to a tee. the both of them are always filled with such fierce determination. they just know what they want and go for it. but that’s also why these past couple eps have been all the more confusing for teh since he’s always been so sure of himself before. how she tells him that no one can take away his identity and that no one can take his dream away from him?? all these characters just knowing exactly what teh needs at the right time. she’s so incredible. no wonder teh is so scared of losing her as a friend. it’s great that he apologised for how he treated her last ep bc it’s def the least that she deserves. that being said, watching her heart get broken as teh tells her that his feelings for her have changed and asking if they can still be friends...like damn, that fucking hurts. there’s something in tarn’s face in this scene that stays with me every time i watch it, and it’s that heavy feeling of knowing that the opportunity is missed. they had the potential to have been something, but it’s slipped by now, and now they can’t go back to those initial feelings anymore. too much has changed. but it’s also that she, like bas, values teh’s happiness too much. values their friendship so much that even if she’s heartbroken, she can still overcome those feelings of heartbreak bc she cares for teh so deeply and wants to see him happy. despite the pain she’s feeling, she still encourages him to make the first move and talk with oh-aew bc she knows that oh-aew is who makes him happy. anyway, we already established this in my last rant text post for ep 4, but i love tarn with my whole heart and only ever want her happiness too. the purple hibiscus in her drawing for teh was like a final stab to the heart :(((

what i love about bas and tarn is that neither of them are the bad guys in this situation. this drama has no outright antagonist, and a lot of the time in BLs (even in standard dramas in general) that’s what the secondary love interests are used as...a hindrance for the main couple to get over. but the both of them are written (and acted) with such respect and care. it’s really hard not to fall in love with them too. the real conflict and antagonism mostly comes from within teh himself, so this series is his own journey to overcome that. a true coming of age story.

oh-aew in his uni uniform!!!!!!!!!!! cue me constantly chanting “come through, teh” over and over as oh-aew passed the restaurant hoping to see him. and I KNEW HE WOULD. not me bursting into tears as soon as they show him following oh-aew on the motorbike ;;;;;;; he loves oh-aew too much, and this was too important, he was never going to back out on this promise. i mean, he gave up his uni spot for oh-aew so he could keep this promise. technically, if you think about it, it worked in a roundabout way bc teh giving up his place was what made oh-aew decide to do the admission exam again...and better still bc he got into his first place uni all on his own accord. he proved to teh that he could do it like he always wanted to.

love that teh pushes the good luck coconuts onto oh-aew too, like his mum and brother always do for him. it’s cute. when they go to the temple again, and the significance of it being open this time so they don’t have to sneak in anymore????? my heart is FULL. another thing i love is how teh’s kind of behaving like how oh-aew did in ep 3?? being flirty?? almost toying with him?? like that part when they’re drinking the coconuts together, and he sort of slides backwards drinking the coconut, eyes not leaving oh-aew before bouncing away. that’s an oh-aew move okay. and, as always, teh encouraging oh-aew when he’s down bc the sun isn’t out. rival and inspiration. i love them more than words could ever describe.

skyline instrumental is legit the perfect song bc sometimes when you listen to it, it can make you feel like you’ll never be happy again, but then other times (like when they’re walking to the tip of the cape), it’s like a shot of pure hope to your chest. that shot of them going through the trees and right into the open space of the tip of the cape with the sun shining all around them was BEAUTIFUL. the freedom of it all, of no longer being constrained. seriously, these shots of the two of them standing in front of the golden glow of the sun are just *chef’s kiss* so stunning. cinematography on point (but when did this show ever fail me on that front).

“when i gave it, i really gave it to you” I’M NEVER GONNA STOP CRYING. i literally cannot watch this part without getting choked up and/or screaming. they’ve missed each other so much, and it’s piecing the broken bits of my heart after the last 4 eps back together again. THEY��RE FINALLY TALKING.

okay i really have to talk about this scene when oh-aew asks teh “how about you and i?” bc of the war flashbacks i’m having back to the last time this question was asked and how disastrous that turned out. it’s in how oh-aew asks it and reads teh’s hesitancy as teh thinking the same as he did last time...oh-aew’s fake smile (the same smile he put on when he asked teh how things were between him and tarn and teh told him they were pretty much the same) when he thinks that teh still isn’t willing to acknowledge he likes him back. it’s how oh-aew is willing to accept ANYTHING from teh...whether he wants to be friend or a rival...whether teh likes or hates him...as long as teh stays in his life. he’s willing to accept whatever teh wants to define them as bc he’s just missed teh so much and can’t stand to be away from him. and it’s like this is what finally clicks in for teh. that restricting himself this way is only ever going to constantly hurt the both of them. teh finally saw past himself, and realised what this meant to oh-aew. it’s like he’s finally looking at oh-aew and seeing what oh-aew needs most (has always needed most), and that in turn helps him gain the courage to say it out loud bc the love he feels for oh-aew (and for himself) is ultimately stronger than any fear he has about society not accepting them. it’s such a beautiful scene. after pushing back at himself and his feelings time and time again, he can’t deny himself anymore. his character arc has come full circle ;;; everything teh’s done in previous eps for oh-aew has shown how much he really loves and cares for him, so it just makes me happy that he released his breath and let himself be happy. it’s all i ever wanted for him.

the amount of tears i shed at teh asking oh-aew to be his boyfriend...i knew teh was very likely going to give in to his feelings for oh-aew at this point, but this was even more than i expected. that was so SMOOTH. oh-aew bursting into tears after that...SAME. then the hug in the sunset WITH the new ost song. and that last shot of teh’s handwritten full pages of ‘love’...they did the MOST with this and i’ll never ever ever be over it.

then the part 2 announcement!!!!!!!!!!!!! after so much angst, i can barely believe we’ve been given so much in such a short space of time omg. i love how teh’s tie is red and oh-aew’s tie is blue for their respective uni uniforms. ADORABLE

i know everyone was afraid (myself included) that this was going to end sad from the get go. from the trailer to the ost, we were all TERRIFIED bc realistic shows like this often end in heartbreak. we’re so used to it. but i saw someone describe itsay as a love letter to the lgbtq+ community, and i totally agree. it could very well have ended tragic/sad, but instead they subverted our expectations of the traditional ‘bury your gays’/sad gay ending we’re so used to and gave us a story that showed us that there’s realism in happiness too. there are so many struggles and hardships that lgbtq+ people have to go through bc of the world that we live in, but they CAN be happy too. this post that nadao tweeted of teh crossing out the lyrics of skyline and writing “let me set my own destiny“ instead is SO powerful, and shows the immense character growth he’s gone through over the course of the series. it made every single tear that i have shed for this show completely and utterly worth it.

i’ve mentioned this multiple times before, but i’m so grateful to nadao for giving us this drama. literally one of the best dramas that i have ever watched in my entire life. i’ve never felt so passionately about a show before, or been so attached to the characters and their relationships. everything about it...the directing, the writing, the cinematography, the acting, the soundtrack, EVERYTHING has been set to such an impeccable standard i really don’t know how, or if, i’ll ever get over it (prob not). i know i’m not the only one that thinks so, but it’s truly a masterpiece. i hope it sweeps all the awards bc it’s the least that it deserves. moreover, i’m so happy that their story isn’t over bc this cast of characters are some of my fave characters ever and i genuinely cannot wait to see more of them in march next year :’)

#i told sunset about you #itsay #so thankful we still have the documentary for the timebeing!!!!!!!!!!#i need more fill of this show before i have to await the drought #anyway this took longer than expected and i know it's a mess but it was harder to contain my feelings into words with this ep #mostly bc i felt TOO much #so sorry if it's just more run on sentences than usual #rewatching this was me pausing to cry ever five mins love that for me #text #i'm super excited for part 2 but i'm also worried a little bc if they're in uni now it would most likely be set in bangkok #and i'm gonna miss the phuket setting so much #i have faith in the cast and crew to create something different for us though so it'll be interesting to see how they do things #with a very similar setting to most other BLs...like how they change things up #and i know they can bc the writing and directing in this were in another league so i'm feeling hopeful

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bobohunn · 4 years ago

Text

— summary : It was tough for you to trust and open up to people, after all you've been through. When you finally let your walls down, Chanyeol left you hanging. (part 1 of 2)

— pairings : chanyeol x reader

— genre : angst, fluff

— warnings : mentions of anxiety, alcohol, bullying, & gaslighting, hints of sexual assault & harassment, description of anxiety & panic attacks.

— word count : 3.9k words (part 1)

— author's words : hi!!! I'm not really good with titles so this goes untitled for now 😅 I'll add the title when I post the 2nd part 💛 this is not proofread and edited yet pls forgive me. I'd really appreciate it if you tell me your thoughts on this! ☺️

It was a year ago today. The day when you were supposed to wake up with a smile, hearing your family’s thumping steps on the wooden floor on the way to your room. The day when your younger sister was supposed to be running towards you to attack you with kisses, your mom holding out a cake that says ‘happy birthday’, and your father following closely behind them, singing the happy birthday song with his awfully hoarse morning voice, just like the annual tradition. Rather, you woke up to the loud and thunderous knocks on your bedroom door, along with what you recognized as your father’s voice. And the second you turned the lock on the knob, the door flew and a hand met your right cheek.

You were scared, but you weren’t sure what you were scared for. Sure your dad looked scary, his face was blood red, his breathing uneven, and his hands clenched into fists, but you didn’t know what he was acting scary for. You held your cheek, trying to ease up the stinging sensation that lingered.

“D-dad?”, you managed to stutter out. Your father shut his eyes close and sighed.

You looked away and noticed your mom and your sister on the wooden staircase behind your dad. Your mom was holding her face in her hands, and your sister was rubbing her back. Only then did you realize that they were both crying.

“M-mom? S-stacy? W-what’s going o-on?”, you choked out, feeling the hot tears that were running down your face.

It was silent again, and you hated it. The silence was deafening and you swore you almost heard the cells in your brain die. You always hated situations like this, it made you feel so anxious and you were about to throw up.

“D-dad, M-mom what’s happening w-why are y–”

“You don’t have to call me dad anymore,” your dad cut you off, and you heard your mom cry louder.

“D-dad w-will you please at least t-tell me what’s going on?”, you said in between sobs, “please?”

Your dad let out another loud sigh, and you noticed his eyes getting misty. “Stacy, give me your phone. Your sister wants to know why, so I’ll show her why”, he said in a firm tone.

Stacy stood up from the stairs and took out the phone from her pocket. She handed it over to your dad, avoiding his gaze including yours. You were practically begging for her to look at you with your eyes while your dad was fumbling with the gadget, but she stood behind him, staring at the floor with her hair covering her face.

Your father handed to you the phone, showing a paused video on the screen. You pressed play, and turned the volume up. You were puzzled to say the least. The video had poor lighting but when the light source hit the surface of a very familiar face in the frame, you dropped the phone, leaving a small crack on the lower left part of the screen.

Your brain tried to put the pieces of information it recently gathered together, but you were about to pass out. Unconsciously shaking, you stumbled on your feet, and dropped to the floor. That was the last thing you remembered before your sight blacked out.

Your life today is a little bit different to how it was a year ago, yet it was still sort of the same. You moved to a different town, a different school, a different environment. It isn’t much worse now, but some people would still look at you and gossip as you pass by the same. Others don’t even stab you in the back, they hit you in the front now.

You moved with your family in the hopes of forgetting everything and starting anew, but unfortunately the news reached your new home too. Your parents insisted that you move places again when people in your school started talking, but you hated the feeling of being an inconvenience. So you did your best to heal and learn how to not a give a fuck to what others say, even if it burnt you out on most days.

“It’s okay, Mom. I’ll be alright, they’re not hurting me anyway,” you said in the softest voice.

“Are you sure? We can just move out of the country, baby. It’s best that we just go, hmm?” she held your hands in one, and caressed your face in the other.

“Yeah. We should just move if you’re uncomfortable here, my love,” your dad added as he wrapped an arm around your shoulders.

“Then we’d have to spend money again. I know you guys had a hard time adjusting as well, especially Stacy,” you fumbled with the fabric of your shorts, “I’m okay, really.”

But even though you’ve learnt to not give a shit and shrug off what bullshit other people— who don’t even know you, by the way— say anymore over the past months, there are still times when you have to endure how painful the words you overhear from conversations of people in your school are. And when you couldn’t, you’d have to run back to your only safe place in school, the comfort room at the back of the school library to turn into a ball and cry. On some days when you think you’re all better and don’t give a fuck anymore, you hear words you tried so hard to delete from your system, and it makes you want to throw up again.

You hate whoever did this to you. However, over the process of healing, you realized that you hate those people who try to act nice in front of you, act like they care for you, act like they support you, but actually talk rotten behind you more. And you hate people who try to control you into thinking that you are the one to blame, the most, because there are times that their words sting too much you begin to doubt yourself again after trying so hard to convince yourself that you were never at fault.

It’s the first day of the semestral break, and you couldn’t be more happy and relieved to be far from society. You don’t have to do anything but lie down in your comfy bed, and binge watch your favorite shows all day. You can read books you hoarded in the past but never really touched after, as well!

“Y/N! Stacy! Come here, give these apples to our new neighbors!” your mom shouted from the kitchen.

You and your sister, Stacy peeked out of your bedrooms at the same time, and when your eyes met you both sighed.

“I was watching Stranger Things, I was in the good part!”, you whined.

“I was reading a good fic on Tumblr as well! I was in the climax of the story!”, Stacy stomped her feet playfully and you both giggled.

“Y/N! Stacy! Did you hear me?” your Mom shouted again, which made you and Stacy instinctively run down the stairs.

“Good afternoon Mister– uhmm?”, Stacy said to the man sitting on the balcony outside the house your mom sent you to for a quick mission.

“Park. Mr. Park,” the grown man smiled.

“Oh, nice to meet you Mr. Park! We’re from the house next to yours. We heard you just moved in, so my mom wanted you to have this!” Stacy beamed at him, while you stood behind her quietly.

“Oh I see! What are your names? You should come in! We had a feast for lunch, you should help us finish the food!” Mr. Park said while turning the knob of the front door.

“I’m Stacy, this is my older sister Y/n. My mom’s name is Rachel, and my dad’s is Samuel”, she said as she took off her sneakers.

“How old are you guys? I have a son who’s in the 11th grade, and a daughter who’s gonna be in her 2nd year in university.”

“I’m in 11th grade as well, Stacy is in 9th. We’re in Jungwon Highschool”, you said as you took off your jacket

“You should meet my son then! He’s transferring to Jungwon! But he’s not here now, he took the dog out on a walk in the park”, he said while grabbing plates from the kitchen.

After eating a few sweet fruits, you and your sister headed back home with two full plates of side dishes Mr. Park’s family offered. You passed by a tall unfamiliar guy carrying a black dog on the way back, and you figured maybe he was Mr. Park’s son.

It’s the first day of the spring semester, the weather's been really better the past few days and you couldn’t be any happier because it means you don’t have to wear a heavy coat to school anymore.

While walking to the bus stop, you saw a familiar guy crouching down to pet a kitten.

Cute

He picked the cat up and moved it to a spot away from the pavement onto the bushes, probably for its safety. The moment he turned to your direction, you realized he was the same guy who you passed by once, on the way home from your new neighbor’s house. He was wearing the same uniform as you, and there you confirmed he really was the Parks’ son.

The bell rang and your class adviser went into the classroom. He was with the same guy you encountered earlier, announcing that your class has a new student to welcome.

“My name is Park Chanyeol. Please take care of me”, the guy said as he smiled and bowed down. He took the empty seat in front of you and settled down.

“Pass your quizlets to the president after lunch. Late submissions will have deductions. Is that clear, class?” the 4th period teacher announced as she walked out the room.

The chime rang on the school speakers, and the lunch break started. All your classmates darted out the room, while you stayed in your seat, resting your head on the desk to take a nap like usual. Except, this time you aren’t left alone in the room. Chanyeol stayed, seemingly finishing the quizlet the teacher gave.

“Excuse me, can I borrow your eraser?” He asked, knocking on your desk to get your attention.

“Ah, sure. Here,” you pass him the black piece of soft rubber from your pencil case.

“Didn’t know they sell black ones. I should get myself one like this too. I actually hate when the white ones get dirty,” he rambled on while erasing whatever he had to erase and gave it back to you. You nod sheepishly as a response.

“I’m Chanyeol. What’s your name?” he pursed his lips while waiting for you to answer.

“I’m y/n. I actually live next to you,” you smile, scratching your nape.

Chanyeol was saying something but you weren’t really listening. Not when you heard some girls at the back door say, “what is she doing? Is she flirting with him?” “I seriously can’t believe her, after all that happened to her she has the guts to flirt with boys again?” “Maybe she thinks she can bait the new guy because he’s clueless” “and attractive, too”

You just smiled at him, and rested your head back down again, wearing earphones this time to block out whatever conversations you didn’t have to hear.

You were sitting on the bench outside your go-to place, the comfort room at the back of the school library, watching whatever random videos youtube recommended in the home section. A video of a band doing a cover of some other band’s song came up, and you suddenly heard someone clear their throat from behind you which made you jump a little bit from your seat.

“So, are you into bands?” Chanyeol asked as he sat beside you on the bench.

If you were to be really honest, you grew scared of meeting people through the past year. You really hate it when people bring up things which they are not in the place to talk about. You’d tell them if you wanted them to know, and if you wouldn’t then they just have to accept and respect it, not be a total nosy ass. And unfortunately, everyone who tried to talk to you in this school brought up things you wished they didn’t. It made you feel like they’re only talking to you to know the tea. So you shut them out immediately, afraid to be hurt by them again if you get attached to them.

Which is why you struggled to let out a response to Chanyeol’s curiosity.

Why does he want to know about that? What will he do with that information? What if he uses it against me in the future? I should be careful with what I say, I might give out too much information.

All sorts of thoughts, running in your mind right now.

“Are you okay?” he asked when he realized you were only staring with a surprised expression at him, “is something wrong?”

“U-uhm, yeah. And, n-no. I’m s-sorry,” you looked away, keeping your phone in your pocket.

Chanyeol chuckled, “why are you getting flustered? I don’t bite!”

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to,” you purse your lips.

“You’re a shy one, aren’t you? Don’t worry! I’m good at making people open up to me” he said as he placed an arm around your shoulder, to which you flinched at.

And Chanyeol was right, he was good at making people open up to him indeed. He made you feel at ease with his jokes, but more than that, you felt safe at how he doesn’t pressure you to talk about yourself, he just waits for you to willingly share things with him. He just keeps on going on and on about what he wants to say, but he listens attentively the second you open your lips to talk.

"Oh how I love animals so much! I have a dog, his name is Toben but he doesn't listen to me. So i kinda hate him" he said enthusiastically.

"I think I've seen you once with him, the black one?" you recalled.

"Yes that's him! I used to have a cat too but he ran away from home. His name was Bach"

"I actually have a hamster. Her name is Lilie. You should meet her she's a total fluff ball" you said as you took your phone out and show him a picture of your syrian hamster.

"Oh my god she's so cute!" his eyes grew wider than it originally is.

You chuckled, "You must really like pets that much."

"Oh trust me, I even brought a rat home. My mom scolded me so much," and it's you who has wide eyes now.

You grew close to Chanyeol in a span of a few days. You would walk to school and walk home together with him almost everyday. You learned a lot of things about him, while he was also able to slowly make you open up to him. The both of you would ramble about random things while doing homework or eating dinner at each other’s house, but he never crossed the borderline and asked you about your past. You couldn’t be more grateful that you found a friend like him. It’s the bare minimum, but it’s important to you and no one really does it like that anymore, not for you at least.

“What’s the square root of 441?” He asked, biting the tip of the pen he was holding.

“21, I think? Let me check,” you said as you took out the calculator in your backpack.

“It’s okay I got it aaaand— Wow! You’re right!” He jumped out of his seat and ruffled his fluffy brown hair in amusement. You chuckled and took a sip from the tea his mom made for you.

“You’re amazing, how do you know that? Did you just mentally solve that?” He sat back down again.

“Of course not. I liked maths so much as a kid, I memorized the perfect squares at some point.” you mumbled, redirecting your focus back to the homework in front of you.

“In many years of living, I never once met someone who memorized perfect squares” Chanyeol said as he held his face in his big hands.

“Now you did”

He chuckled, “Yeah, memorable. Anyway, are you free this friday?”

You bit your lip in sudden anxiety, “I-i don’t know. N-not sure. Why?”

“Some of our classmates are going to a party, and they invited me,” he hesitated a little before he continued, “I just wondered if you wanted to come? With me?”

You feel your heart beat faster, “No, sorry. I think I’ll be helping my dad on Friday.”

“Oh it’s okay. Don’t worry about it,” whispered Chanyeol, looking back down to his homework.

Friday came, and you thought it was weird to walk home alone for the first time. You got used to chatting with Chanyeol while on the way home, and now it was completely silent. When you got home, you threw yourself to your bed. You decided to get your laptop and binge watch another series on netflix.

It was around 7:30 pm when your phone rang. You looked at the caller ID and picked up hesitantly when you realized it was Chanyeol’s. “Why would he call so suddenly though?” you whispered to yourself.

“Chanyeol?” You said as you bring the phone up to your ear.

“hey Y/N! What’s up?” he chirped weirdly, probably drunk.

“Nothing much. Are you drunk?”

“I’m wasted. They tricked me, they said it was juice. They tricked me, y/n!” you cringed at how much he was slurring his words. It was obvious that alcohol was already in control of his system.

“How are you gonna get home?”

“I don’t know. Everyone is drunk here and–” he hiccuped, “they’re all nasty. I wanna go home”

You paused for a bit, checking the time on your laptop. “Turn on your location and stay there. I’ll pick you up”

Chanyeol nodded and hummed from the other line. You quickly ended the call to run to your closet to grab a jacket, and leave the house.

You didn’t know if you were dumb or stupid, but you were sure you were either.

Why would you suggest picking him up? From a house party? Which you avoided so much with all your might?

When you reached the house that showed up on Chanyeol’s location— which took you 30 minutes to find, you had to pat yourself on your shoulders and remind yourself that you were doing it for a friend, and if you were just gonna walk away, this friend might get in trouble. You inhaled deeply before entering, a pool of evidently alcohol intoxicated bodies welcoming you.

It took you only a few seconds to spot Chanyeol, the only giant in the room. But it took you a few minutes to get to him because as he said, the crowd was pretty nasty.

“Alright time to go home now big buddy, let’s go” you tapped Chanyeol on his forearms, bracing yourself in case he’d stumble and fall.

“Goodbye my friends!” Chanyeol screamed over the booming music from the speakers. “You’re leaving already?” a familiar voice replied, and you realized it was one of your classmates, Max.

You only nodded at him after flashing a small smile. “Are you seriously going Chan? It’s too early! We haven’t been to the fun part yet!” Max said before taking a sip of whatever alcohol from his red cup.

“What fun part? I think I’m just gonna go home, Max” Chanyeol replied, seemingly sobering up a little.

“Oh you know, the fun part! When all the chics get wasted!” your mind was getting hazy at what you heard, and you nearly lost your balance. Your grip on Chanyeol’s sweater got tighter, which made him look at you.

But he didn’t answer Max, instead he turned away. You took that as a signal to go. “Yeol, the door is this way” you told him as you tug on the sleeve of his sweater.

The walk back home was messy. Chanyeol was silent but he was walking in zig zags and you had to hold him up a couple of times because he would fall asleep while walking.

“Y/n?” you hummed in response.

“Nevermind” he replied. Honestly you were nervous, what did he want to say? Is something wrong? But you only let it go.

“Y/n.”

“Yes Yeol?”

He stopped walking, “Why don’t you ever tell me anything about you?”

“What do you m-mean? I tell you about myself too,” you managed to mumble out.

“No, you don't,” he said in a tone an octave lower.

You held onto his arm again and dragged him with you, “Yeol, you’re drunk let’s go now.” He allowed you to pull him and just walked along, still in zig zags.

When you were in front of his house you took your phone out to call his sister, to help you get him in. You helped him sit down on the chair outside while waiting for her to pick up.

“Y/n, you know I’m not one to pry, right?”

You looked at him in confusion, you slowly nodded. You waited for him to continue.

“But I really have to ask this,” he said as he played with the zipper of his backpack in his hands, not looking at you.

“What is it?” you shivered.

“By any chance, were you from Hyundai Highschool?” he finally looked at you, straight in your eyes.

You didn’t know what to do or what to feel. He was sober now, and you could tell he knew what he was talking about. Many questions were popping in your mind, yet your brain felt empty. You weren’t able to form anything to say. You only backed away from him, and then ran away.

You went straight to your room, ignoring your father’s attempt to hug you. You fell to the floor the moment you closed the door.

Why did he ask you that?

How did he find out?

Were people talking about you at the party?

Did someone gaslight you at the party, again?

Will he judge you too?

You spent the whole weekend locking yourself up in your room, overthinking about the same things over and over again. You were almost sure someone told him from the party, and he will probably think differently about you now. But you are honestly hoping that he wouldn’t. He’s a good guy, isn’t he?

Monday came, and you were mentally preparing yourself to talk to Chanyeol while preparing your lunch box. You made sure to go out earlier than usual to wait for him so you could walk to school together, but to no avail. There was no sign of your giant friend going out of the house next to yours. You had to run to school or you would be late for the first period.

When you reached the classroom you looked around but Chanyeol wasn’t there. You caught your breath and sat down quietly on your seat. There was barely 2 minutes left before the first period, and you were worried for Chanyeol.

“Hey Y/n, where’s Chanyeol? You didn’t come together?” one of your classmates asked. You shook your head no, but suddenly the back door opened.

There he is

He took his seat in front of you but he didn’t spare you a smile, not even a glance.

The whole day went by with Chanyeol avoiding you and ignoring your attempts to talk to him. He looked at you at some point, but with sad eyes and a small smile. After that, you decided to give up and let him be.

You know—you think you do, why he was acting that way, and you don’t blame him for it. But you at least need to hear it from him, rather than assume things which could be entirely wrong.

You didn’t expect him to pull you to the school garden at dismissal, though.

“Y/n. I know I’ve been such a horrible friend today,” he paused. He looked down, avoiding your eyes.

“but I don’t think we should be friends.”

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psyncin-in-the-restrain · 4 years ago

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Blog Revamp

Hey, everybody! Remember me? (Probably not.)

Alavar here to let you guys know that starting later today and tomorrow, I shall begin working on the blog revamp and reset!

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN, ALAVAR? Well, I’m glad you asked! I’m going to be cleaning up the AUs and information pages on Saito. Once those get fixed up, I’m going to delete ALL POSTS on my blog so that I can truly start anew. And when I finally finish everything, I’m going to create a new promo post in hopes I can find more people to interact with!

BUT WHAT ABOUT OUR RPs AND CHARACTER RELATIONSHIPS? I know some people have been waiting on replies from me, but with this reset, I just want to start everything fresh. HOWEVER! If you want, you can contact me via IM here or on discord and let me know that you still want to keep Saito’s relations with your muse and/or you want to keep our thread going! I still do have threads saved up in my drafts, so they’re there. I already had one person who approached me and asked if we can keep our threads going; I agreed because I actually liked the story line and the relationship the characters had.

ANY RULE CHANGES? Just one. I’m going to be a low-activity blog, which means it may take forever and a day for me to reply, simply because of my current schedule (and living conditions). There will be days where I will be posting things in rapid succession, but for the most part, I won’t be as active as I used to be.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE WE SHOULD LOOK FORWARD TO? Honestly, I don’t know, but once the reset/revamp has been complete and I’m able to organize things more properly, I’ll let you guys know if anything drastic has changed. HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE? Maybe a few weeks, considering my free time is during the weekends and spontaneously during the weekdays. It’s going to be an off and on thing that I do, so I can’t guarantee a definite time frame.

Anyways, I hope you guys have a great day and I look forward to interacting with you all soon! ;v;/

#;; Psyche Out(ooc)

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ctoastwrites · 4 years ago

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the snake and the rabbit

the white rabbit hops through the grass, searching for something. the snake watches, slowly slithering along a path that would prevent her from being seen.

"yeah, i know."

robin unlocked the front door, stepping through and shutting it behind them quietly. they weren't paying attention to their surroundings, too busy turned around on the phone and taking their shoes off.

"mhm. we can do that, but don't delete the part with the pictures." they put their bag on a hook next to the door. "ohhh. okay! i'll-" robin turned around and saw their mother on the couch, staring at them and holding a glass of wine. they shivered and felt as if they'd committed a terrible crime. "um.. i'll have to call you back." the rabbit stops dead in their tracks, lifting their head. they suddenly felt like prey, but they didn't know why. the snake began to get closer, the grass around her rustling. "sit down." she said. she didn't sound angry, but her tone was strong and robin couldn't help but obey. they sat on the side opposite to erin, sitting straight up and nervously wringing their hands. "i got a call today." the rabbit lowers their head, very aware of a sudden threat. the snake prepares to make her presence clear. robin bit their lip and tensed up, hearing that sentence. they had a guess as to what it was about. they'd tried to push the situation to the back of their mind. they decided it would be best for them to ask anyway. "oh? what about?" they gave erin a weak smile. the snake presented herself to the rabbit, shooting out in front of them. she flashes her fangs. the rabbit tries to stay calm. they know what happens if you run. "i got a call.." she leaned forward and set her glass of wine down, leaning back and putting her hands in her lap. "..about you." robin felt sick. "that there was a possibility you tried to start- or at least participate in -a fight. you wouldn't do that, would you dear?" the snake made herself taller to intimidate the rabbit. they tried to be smaller, giving her what she wanted. "no, of course not!" robin quickly defended themself. "i had gotten knocked into a locker, that's all! when i went to the nurse to get ice she asked. i said no. " that was the truth, after all. they knew it was intentional, but leaving out that part would be better. at least they wouldn't have to explain it- that would be hard. "i thought so." the snake lowers herself to the rabbit's level, beginning to slither around them and form a circle. the snake promises the rabbit she isn't looking for a meal. the rabbit didn't let down their guard entirely, but they did feel a bit safer. enough to bring their head back to it's usual position, anyway. "why would someone do that to you?" robin was surprised by the question. they didn't know the answer, which was why explaining in full would be near impossible. "pardon?" "well, you must've done something. why else would they push someone like you into a locker?" erin leaned forward and picked up her glass, finishing its contents and setting it back down. "i... uhm.." when robin really thought about it, they could see why erin would think it was their fault. after all, she had taught them how they should act and approach life. they had gone against nearly everything she said. it felt too restricting, but... robin wondered if they would be a better person if they would just listen to her. "yes?" erin raised an eyebrow, waiting for the answer. the snake and the rabbit stared into each other's eyes, waiting to see who would break first. it was the rabbit- they put their head back down and lower their ears. the snake has the power here.

"i think it's me." they said quietly, staring down into their lap. "what was that?" something in robin's brain said "she heard me." but it was too quiet for them to recognize as an option. erin had a way of getting people to do what she wanted, even if she didn't outright say it. they looked up with tears in their eyes. erin was right, she always was. all those times she tried to help them be better, and they didn't listen. "i said it's me! i'm the problem!" the snake convinces the rabbit she is entirely harmless. she even let them look closely to prove she wouldn't be a threat, and the rabbit was rather good at taking in details. they saw her triangle head with it's two holes. her eyes were green, with a slit down the middle. she didn’t seem dangerous.

the snake got a close look at them as well, with their large black eyes and soft white fur. she decided they were at risk for predators that were less kind than her. she'd have to do something about it. "it's alright.. shh.." erin held robin as they sobbed apologies. they sniffed and looked up, tears blurring their vision. "i'll help you.." the rabbit tells the snake about their life. they'd gotten lost, separated from their family. they were scared and alone- and now they were grateful someone like the snake came along to help them. the snake smiles. if the rabbit didn't know any better, they would say something was hiding behind those green eyes and shiny scales. the snake points out the rabbit’s flaws and shows them how to be more like her. they became like the snake- swift, cunning, and sneaky. they thought it was strange, their behavior beginning to feel unnatural and uncomfortable. robin wasn't sure why they felt so... alone. they were starting to fit in with a crowd of sorts after finally listening to erin, yet it felt wrong. they always felt lonely and like they were playing a role that belonged to someone else. they hated it. they knew they would rather be the way they were before, but they also knew that meant disappointing erin and possibly having to sit down to really explain how they didn't fit her idea of the perfect child because they weren't that at all. robin wanted to be robin. the snake begins to grow impatient as the rabbit becomes tired of being a snake. the rabbit had started to rebel, no longer accepting the idea of being like the snake. it wasn’t good for them. she found a sick sort of happiness in seeing the rabbit squirm when they tried to be a snake. she still had power over the rabbit, even if they didn’t know that. while she convinced the rabbit she was harmless, their instincts were still to be wary. but now the rabbit was squirming less and less, and it pisses her off. she had to deal with her problem, and she had to deal with it now. "i'm sick of you disappearing all the time and acting this way! i taught you to be better than this!" "you're never here anyways, why should you care?" "don't you take that tone with me. i am an adult. you are to respect me." erin and robin argued for the second time that day. it had been a year. robin had swapped schools, now in one that didn't require uniform or specific length of hair. robin liked having short hair, and they liked it even more when it was their favorite color. they liked not having to make it straight or braid it. they liked getting to wear what they want, wearing hoodies and bright bracelets. they liked having actual friends that actually cared and liked them for being them. there was only three like that, but three real friends was better than thirty fake ones. erin, of course, had moved them with the idea that they would keep being the way erin wanted (as well as not having to spend extra money while getting to claim robin was doing better). that backfired, but she couldn't move them back. it would make her look bad. the snake begins to slither around the rabbit. she is going to end this, here and now. the rabbit realizes something is wrong when she tightens her grip and refuses to let go. she opened her mouth wide and showed her fangs- which is the exact moment the trust the rabbit had for the snake disappears. the snake had lied- she isn’t harmless. she could've ended them in one quick motion at any time she pleased.

the rabbit was disgusted. she saw how they reacted and behaved, how they slowly began to hate everything about and around them. they realized that there really was something behind her friendly facade, that she enjoyed seeing them become what she wanted. she enjoyed having them under her control. the snake moves quick, but the rabbit moves quicker. the snake's jaw snaps shut, as does the rabbit's. however, only one made their mark. the rabbit outsmarted the snake. they open their mouth and let her go. she had released her grip, startled and in pain. the rabbit ran at a speed they never thought they would reach, not stopping until they could barely breathe. they were done with the snake and they weren’t going to go back. "yeah, i know." robin grabbed a magnet off of the fridge and stuck the folded up paper underneath. they weren't really paying attention to the area around them- there was nothing to pay attention to. they were sure this time. "mhm. yeah, i guess i'm just worried." they walked out to the living room, grabbing their beat up, untied converse and slipping them on as they fell back onto the couch to tie them. the rabbit didn't do much excited hopping anymore. rabbits had short lives- they knew this much -and they'd already wasted a good portion of it being lied to. the rabbit was scared of wasting more of their limited time. they knew they were wasting time worrying about wasting time and not getting anything done, but they just couldn't bring themself to start anew. that was, until they woke up one morning scared that it finally sunk in. they needed to do something, and now. "i..." robin stared down at their shoes. they'd had them for a couple years, having bought them with their own money. they were extra proud when they did. "yh- yeah, i'm still here." robin blinked away tears as they began to think about what they missed out on for eighteen whole years. that was almost a fifth of the average lifespan- maybe even a quarter. they didn't remember what it was last, and they had never cared to know in the first place. knowing they had an expiration date and a general idea of when it could be scared them. "i can't. i don't want to- honestly.. i know they're gone for another two weeks and i can wait until tomorrow, but if i wait... i don't think i'll ever do it." robin stood up, grabbing their suitcase from beside the coffeetable and taking their bag off of the hook beside the door. "i'll meet you there, okay?" it was tough, being a rabbit in a world where others could quickly try and take advantage. but they pushed and pushed, trying their hardest to stand up for themself and those around them. the rabbit had their days- the ones where they wanted to stay in their hole where it was safe, where nothing could hurt them. but even still, the white rabbit hopped through the grass without a care in the world.

#the snake and the rabbit #cw for manipulation #i wanted to write this a little more than a week ago and im just now finishing it #also erin hyde sucks. so bad #dont like her #i wrote this because i wanted to try the animal symbolism(?) thing and i kinda like it #but erin hyde still sucks #toast writes

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lady-of-lies · 5 years ago

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The misfortunes of a good heart

A/N: this is day 25 of @sdavid09s writing challenge!!! I am really happy with this one, it is not exactly what todays prompt asked for, but I had some stuff that I needed to get out and this is the result, I got some help from pinterest and some quotes I found there so not everything in this is mine!

Prompt: Loyalty is important in any relationship, and with your character that is no different. Tell us a time that their loyalty to someone else was tested. Did they stay true, or did they falter?

Word count: 1098

Warnings: Nothing in particular, it just gives you some stuff to think about

Peter Parker x reader (it’s supposed to be anyway)

Loyalty. A word described in the dictionary as a quality or a strong feeling of support and allegiance. Loyalty can keep you in situations that your usual common sense should have gotten you out of long ago, and sometimes loyalty can make you forget everything that common sense is. There is one thing that you should always try to remember though. Even the nicest people have their limits. And don’t you ever try to reach that point, because the nicest people are also the scariest when they’ve finally had enough.

Peter is probably one of the nicest people in the whole world, he would never hurt someone intentionally, not even the tiniest of flies. When he got older and when he realized he had powers there was one thing he was quick to learn. In life, you are going to be left out, talked about, and used, but you have to decide for yourself who's worth your tears and who isn’t. Nobody should even have to learn that, but Peter have the biggest misfortune and the biggest treasure anyone can have. He has a good heart. And no one goes through more shit in their life than a person with a good heart.

Peter had to learn the hard way that a person playing a role, no matter who it is, will eventually forget their lines. Pay attention, the act can’t go on forever. If he had known that it would also apply to the one person he trusted the most, maybe it had hurt less. It is such a disappointment when you defend someone for so long thinking that they’re different and then they turn out to be just like everyone said. Peter had been standing at their side for so long, defending their name and taken more bullets than he should have before he realized what kind of person they really were.

He had done so many bad things that he regretted with his whole being. If only he could go back in time and take it all back. As much as he tried to ignore it, there was no way around the fact that the company he choose did in fact have an impact and influence on his choices. The only thing he wished for, was that he would have seen it sooner. He wished he could’ve seen that they never really cared to begin with, and the sad fact is, you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. Someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions. The only thing you can do is change how you react to them. So that is what Peter did.

He had had enough of all the secrets, lies and multiple stab wounds that could be found on his back. Peter had after years of disappointment finally gotten tired of trying to work things out. He had gotten tired of listening to their excuses and giving them more second chances than he could count. There is no worse feeling in the world than knowing you were used and lied to by someone that you trust. And the sad part is, once trust is broken, it can never be restored to what it once was.

It had taken Peter way too long to realize that you shouldn’t stay friends with people who never ask you how you’re doing. People who only comes to you when they are in need of something. Their silence was all he needed to hear. It was in that moment that he had realized that he was worth so much more. He was worth a million times more than their mind games and manipulation could offer.

At some level, he had always known that they would replace him. They always did press the reset button like one would with a song, but when they got tired of their new “toy” they would always come back to him, and he would always welcome them with open arms. But Peter had given up enough in his life, and instead of pressing reset, this time he pressed delete. Freeing his mind and giving himself a chance to start anew.

Sometimes the best thing you can do, no matter who the person is or how much loyalty and love you once held for them, is to erase the messages, delete the number and move on. You don’t necessarily have to forget that person all together because they made you who you are. A stronger and better person. You just have to accept the fact that they no longer is that person you once knew. It has nothing to do with you, they just chose a different path, one that your good heart kept you away from. It is people like them that makes you believe the saying that “hell is empty. All the devils are here”.

It is people like them that makes you realize that the devil is real. And he is not a little red man with horns and a tail. He is the thing that you desire most. He is a beautiful lie. He was once an angel, he was god's favourite. It is people like them that makes you realize that, sometimes in order to get out of hell, you have to dance with the devil. They are the people who are devils in disguise.

But once you have made it out on the other side, you will be stronger than ever before. Peter had asked the devil for a dance, but in the end he was the one who became stronger. One day it was like he had woken up from a bad dream, he woke up in a place where everything felt right. His heart felt lighter, calmer, and most importantly, it felt free. His soul had gotten new life, his thoughts had gotten more positive and his vision had gotten clearer than a crystal. He was at peace. He had made his peace with where he had been, where he was and where he was going.

Now… I didn’t say a name, but I’m sure someone special came to mind. Take it from Peter, you’re gonna piss of a lot of people when you start doing what is best for you. But you have to remember, they are just angry because the truth you speak contradicts the lie they live, and you are better of without them.

Permanent tag list:

@sdavid09

@deepestfirefun

@gaia-writes-stuff

@indelwen-of-mirkwood

@theincaprincess

@themarauderstheoutsidersandpeggy

#peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker x you #peter parker x y/n #imagine peter parker #imagine #Avengers #imagine avengers #avengers x reader #avengers x you #avengers x teen!reader #writing challenge #lady-of-lies

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archive-tobemoved · 6 years ago

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DRABBLE ; LYDIA’S RETURN

when emma turns seven, dean gets a visit by an unexpected guest -- lydia, emma’s mother. in her attempt to reconnect with him, dean has to make the difficult choice of letting her into emma’s life or cutting her off completely.

he thought lydia had deleted his number from her phone -- because that’s what he did. hence, he was surprised when he received a call from her, asking him to meet her. “ no. ” that was his first answer, but lydia insisted, “ if i can’t see her, i wanna see you, at least. ” with a sigh of defeat, dean agreed to it for the sake of giving her the benefit of the doubt.

dean told his mother that he would have a busy weekend, taking care of ‘job’, keeping the details vague, and kindly asked her to take care of emma until sunday afternoon. he kissed his daughter goodbye on friday evening as he dropped her off at her grandparents’ home. then, he drove off to lydia’s place, as she had texted him her address. he kept asking himself why she deserved a second chance, but deep down, he knew the answer to that ( he just didn’t want to accept it as the right one ): he truly wanted to see if the two had another shot at this, if they could put the past behind and start over together. that was dean’s deepest desire, that was what convinced him that it was worth trying.

he rang the bell, and she answered the door a moment later. in the eight years he’d known her, she didn’t seem to have changed much. she only grew a bit older, but she was still the same, gorgeous woman he almost fell in love with -- they were never in love. they never got to that stage in their relationship ; they were meant to be a one-night stand. in many ways, they have remained that way since, even after emma’s birth, lydia wasn’t convinced enough to stay with him. so, she abandoned dean, but not without leaving a piece of her behind -- their daughter. “ thanks for coming. ” she appeared so sweet and kind, but deep down, dean knew she was only faking it.

“ i’m here. what do you want? ” dean was impatient, because he didn’t want to stay longer than he needed to. she wasn’t being straightforward with her answers. she kept stalling, kept trying to buy time to get him to soften up a bit. so, she started to narrate to him her life, about where she’d been, what she’d been doing ... long story short, she had ambitions that she had failed to achieve, because she couldn’t afford it, because she didn’t qualify for it, because she lacked the passion. she’d traveled the world, looking for a place to belong, only for her to return to the same town that she’d been all her life. she wanted to start over again. she wanted to feel alive again, like she used to do when she was with dean ( but what she failed to see was that she’d only known dean for a few days and for only one night ). she managed to paint quite the picture for dean. he acknowledged that she had to face some struggles, avoid some others and run back to her old life to start anew. he couldn’t blame her for trying to chase after her dreams, but he did blame her for abandoning her daughter. that wasn’t something he could easily look past, because dean had yet to articulate his own struggles with raising a child as a single parent. lydia reassured him that, from then on, she would try and do better. she would be there for emma if he’d let her, and she was even willing to attempt to form a more stable relationship with dean. she was willing to take a step forward. she told him everything he wanted to hear, and he believed her.

lydia wasn’t lying. she had already bought a pile of toys that she was planning to give to emma for her birthday. feeling more and more convinced, dean decided to bring her to his place and show her emma’s room, her stuff, her creations, everything. if she wanted to get to know her daughter, she might as well start from there.

on saturday afternoon, after dean was done with his shift at the garage, he went home and waited for lydia. she arrived soon, and the two spent several hours talking about their daughter. dean showed her some pictures, her room, some of her drawings, her clothes. lydia seemed to be almost proud of the life he had built for her. throughout the time he spent with her, he observed her carefully, taking mental notes of her reactions to things he said, to her behavior, trying to find a flaw that justified the reason she left in the first place. “ i was stupid. ” she admitted to him, but that reason didn’t seem enough for him.

suddenly, everything he knew about her, which was a rather limited information, seemed to have been inverted. he saw a different woman in front of him, more certain of what she wanted, more committed to her present situation. she matured. that was the reason he’d been seeking all this time. without realizing how close the two stood next to each other, lydia leaned towards him and kissed him, inviting him to taste the familiar flavor of her lips. dean didn’t push her away ; he let the moment flow the way it should have a long time ago. and grew into something more than merely a kiss, or a make-out. they had fully invited one another onto each other’s embrace. thus, the two ended up in dean’s bedroom, lying naked in bed together. at that moment, they were both eighteen again.

the next day, sunday morning, they woke up next to each other. dean was smiling. he had what he’d asked for ; a second chance. lydia had an arm spread across his chest, as she rested her head right next to him. she was smiling, too. they stayed in bed for another hour, talking, laughing at their own mistakes. it all felt so natural. it was as if she’d never left, as if he’d always known her -- until he realized: he never knew her at all.

“ i almost forgot -- i got a call from my agent yesterday. he told me if i nail this audition, i might actually move to L.A.! god! i can’t wait to just -- get out of here ... ” as exciting as the news appeared to be, dean couldn’t help but wonder where she placed her daughter into her whole place. “ L.A.? that’s a long way from ... -- emma. ” she was taken by surprise by his response and quickly defended herself, “ well, yeah, i know, but if it doesn’t work out, i’ll just stay here anyway. ” dean ended up asking the same question just to clarify what her plan was exactly. she wanted to built a career, but she said she couldn’t take emma with her because hollywood wasn’t meant for children. that, dean agreed to. but, she also suggested, that emma would be a second choice to what she really wanted, which was to pursue acting.

“ so, what, emma’s second best to you? ” he didn’t let her answer, because anything she said would only make him angry. he sat up on the bed, quickly making a decision that seemed only rational. “ you know what? you should go. ” he uttered calmly. “ what? ” lydia, in her own attempt to defend herself, she was at a loss of words. “ yeah, emma’s gonna be here soon, and i don’t want her to see you here. ” he replied in a straightforward manner. at that moment, emma’s mother became one of the rest of the women he’d been with : the women he would say his goodbye to and wouldn’t allow his daughter to meet. she didn’t deserve to meet her, and her lack of protest proved precisely that. she got up, put on her clothes and walked out of the door. she didn’t even try to defend herself, because she knew she had no rights on emma. she was never a mother to her, and she never would be.

later in the afternoon, emma had arrived from her grandparents. “ daddy! ” the child greeted her father with open arms, and he picked her up, giving her one large hug. “ sweetpea! ” he squeezed her gently and put her down to greet his mother. “ hey, mom. ” he kissed her cheek. “ how’d the job go? ” mary inquired curiously, as she avoided prying. “ uh ... -- didn’t work out. ” dean said simply. “ oh, well. there’ll always be a next time. ” mary shrugged in confidence, and dean nodded in agreement. maybe there would be a next time, indeed. “ join us for dinner? ” dean was already starving, and he was prepared to cook something. “ can’t. i gotta go before john attempts to cook by himself and burns down the kitchen! ” mother and son laughed together. she kissed her son goodbye and waved at emma. as she turned to leave, she said to him, “ i’ll see you, honey -- and don’t be a stranger. ”

#DRABBLE.#VERSE: ALT — [ beautiful loser never take it all / single dad ]#where did this even come from idk #but listen i knew i wouldn't get to rp this so #i had to have it in some way #he r e #bc #!!!!!!!!1 #it's super important ok #proof reading? idk her

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