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autisticgirliesbracket · 1 year ago

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What makes Futaba Sakura from Persona 5 the autistic girlie ever of all time? Here's what the people have to say:

Futaba-related asks/reblogs: x This post will be updated after each round!

Image ID in alt text and under the readmore.

[Image ID. White slide with a screenshot of Futaba in the bottom left corner. She is surrounded by text boxes which read,

"She’s a hikkikomori and a hacker genius. She initially has bad social anxiety due to trauma and does not leave her room."

"She's just like me fr fr (im autistic girlie)"

"Generally described as being incredibly introverted and socially anxious, however having no problem opening up if the conversation is about something that interests her. She also has a deep interest in hacking and computers (if the protagonist claims to have built his own PC, she asks for the specific details on it, such as GPU, CPU, RAM, ect.) There are more details I feel are autistic but I'm not sure how to word them !!"

"Talks in Video Game references and wired expressions. At one point she leaves a conversation because an Anime she wanted to watch was on. Helped me come to terms with my own Autism. Covered her face with a weird mask and a towel (separate events) because she didn't want to show her face in Public. Gets pissed off that someone messes with the her Neo Featherman Figure (basically the Persona equivalent of Power Rangers or Super Sentai). Overall just a massive nerd."

"First of all: The way she sits . little gremlin girl. Second of all. Social awkwardness (she has SO MUCH). Third. She's 15 years old and an international hacker, i mean come on, you cant DO THAt unless youre at least a little autistic. 4. Constantly tries to wear things over her head to avoid being looked at. Five. Her room is the dirtiest place on the planet, filled with snacks and figurines etc. Sixth. Look come on please shes autistic"

"She has social anxiety, doesn't really understand social norms and relates a lot of her real life experiences to video games. She also hyperfixates on the things she's working on and says a lot of strange things without thinking about it."

"Futaba is intensely afraid of social interaction (living in her room for years, unable to exit the house without a meltdown), including her almost constantly wearing headphones (which, to be, read as sensory comfort items). She's only really comfortable around her close friends and family, around who she becomes a lot more excitable and energetic. She has deep and passionate interests in the things she loves, and tends to become hyper focused on whatever shes tasked herself with, even neglecting her own health during which. It's very easy to equate her love of video games to a special interest, as it influences the way she sees the world, to the point where she calls the main character her "key item", since he helps her agoraphobia, saying she needs to "level up" to improve her social skills. To top it all off, her voice actress, Erica Lindbeck, has stated that she played Futaba as if she was autistic."

"Girl had so much autism stored in her body."

"It is very obvious in nearly everything she does that they intended for her to be autistic. Literally just watch almost any cutscene with her and you'll see it (well. Ideally after her palace is taken care of since she's going through stuff and the 'tism is less obvious as a result)"

"she is soooo autism girlswag coded. When you first befriend her and hang out, the characters all have trouble sort of connecting with her, but once they realize they are being way too obnoxiously formal/normal they start asking her about stuff she is interested in, which then she talks very excitedly about. Im sort of passively watching someone play persona 5 so i might have gotten something wrong but eee she is so coded to me <3 and not in a bad way imo ik sometimes things can be TOO stereotypical but yknow yknow"

"Struggles with social interactions, special interest in computers and video games, her English voice actor intentionally played her with the idea that she's autistic."

"She's obsessed with and so good with computers she was a world reknowned hacker before the story even began, she struggles with interacting with people and was bullied through out her entire childhood for being "weird" and being able to memorize books and other things. Her outfits almost always include her wearing headphones (which i personally hc to be to reduce sounds) and there are scenes where she experiences sensory overload that turns into panic attacks. A lot of her character arc is about how after a personal tragedy she completely isolated herself from the outside world and now shes trying to ease back into interacting with people with the support of her family and new friends. When trying to connect with her, the quickest way they got her to relax and open up was when one character got her talking about an in universe sentai show she loves. Also her English voice actor said in interviews that she performed Futaba with her being autistic in mind because everything abt her character just reads as autistic and seeing someone struggle w the same issues I did was super important to me when i got into p5."

"Futaba is incredibly autistic-coded. She couldn’t leave her room or speak to strangers due to trauma, but she also was “quirky” before the trauma. She’s a computer genius and can get so obsessed with her work that she doesn’t hear or acknowledge other people. She wears headphones almost all the time and sits with her knees up (odd posture). Lastly, her mother was known to also be “odd” and was also very absorbed in her work. Autism is often inherited, so my personal read is that both of them are autistic. I’m missing lots of things I’m sure but she’s the best."

"All of her interests are special <3, major social anxiety, partially nonverbal (just like me fr), one of the only people she's constantly jokingly mean to is also very autistic coded which idk if that's a me experience but i can only be joke mean to other autistic people. allistics wouldn't understand. She cannot sit properly!!! Very important she has that autistic ball sitting position"

"She’s a genius hacker nerd who up until certain events in the game never left her room or her house due to trauma. She’s gets nervous and overwhelmed very easily once she starts expanding her comfort zone, but she doesn’t let that stop her. At certain points when she has to interact with people she isn’t comfortable with she puts on a disturbing doll head mask. At one point she has a miniature meltdown in the middle of a crowded store, because she tried pushing her boundaries a little too fast and got overwhelmed until the protagonist was able to find her. She loves anime and collects figurines and gets annoyed when her display of them is messed with. Her personality is socially awkward and kind of bratty when she’s comfortable and I don’t mean that in a negative way at all, she’s great!"

"very bad with people, obsessed with programing and Nerd Shit, i love her and she is very cool"

"she has a massive special interest in technology, her entire character arc is helping her learn to socialize, she sits like a GREMLIN"

"she is a epic hacker gamer girl so we are within the margins for trans and autism, she has a hard time with eye contact, she has intense social anxiety and wahooooooo she has the special interests !! on a side note she has chronic fatigue so damn just like me fr!! and shes so fun!! ack!!!" End ID.]

#autistic girlies bracket #autistic girlie masterpost #persona 5 #futaba sakura

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stormoflina · 10 months ago

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i like dom, he is a sweetheart, but its true he didnt deliever what he was signed for. after hendo we wanted a midfielder who can score goals, who will have g/a. sadly, dom is not that guy. im not blaming him, neither is ale, although he is being played out of position

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this type of comments give me the ick so bad hahaha when it refers to players that are new to a league like Domi. he is new to a completely different league with a team that has certain plans and strategies that he needs to adapt to, just like every other player lmao.

yeah, some players adapt faster than others, but i think that's what happens literally everywhere: some adapt faster to new environments than others lolol.

Mac Allister had been playing in the premier prior to getting to Liverpool yeah, but it's still a new team with new everything lol. he is slowly finding himself within the team's system and we can see that.

i think we cannot speak so surely about a player's performance so early on unless they have been complete and utter shit and have not delivered anything at all, those types of "failed" signings are very easy to spot early on. but yeah, at least give them a year and, in Domi's case, wait for him to come back from his injury too omg. i think even Mo has talked about how Domi is new to all of this and that he is still young so he has a lot to learn still and ppl should not put so much pressure on him.

yeah, ppl hyped him up a lot (even the media, because... its the media) and he might have leaned into that hype if that makes sense, but wouldn't you do it too? i would also feel like im on top of the world and use this hype to get more confident. but the pressure is bound to get too much esp. with someone new to the league.

so sorry for the long rant omg, ive been thinking about this for a while. i hope it all makes sense, im not a native english speaker.

i just want to finish off by saying: give him (them) time and let's give constructive criticism i beg (this is not for anon omg this is in general cause a lot of people love to talk shit instead of trying to help lmao)

Hi anon!

Don't you apologize for the rant, I really enjoyed reading it, especially because I wholeheartedly agree and couldn't have said it better myself! And as a non-native speaker I wouldn't have guessed that English isn't your first language if you don't mention it!

Essentially, I think Domi is a victim of his own early success. He literally hit the ground running and even that doesn't express fully how quickly he got so popular. It feels like a lifetime ago, but I remember how he got POTM for August, or his jersey sold the most at the start of the season. I even remember that like two months into the season there was some stupid 'who's your favourite lfc player' poll on twt and he got first place (??) and there was a complete meltdown over that lool.

So, for the first few months, he was everywhere, in the media, on social media, constantly praised, edited next to Stevie G, it was a LOT. Everyone was definitely doing too much, so when the inevitable happened and realism kicked in, some were quick to be loud with their criticism. Just like they say, the higher you get, the worse the fall will be. In my opinion, that's what happened.

I also feel like that because of his great start, people just completely forgot his original situation - that he's young, from a slower, less physically demanding league, with winter breaks, less game time, playing a completely new role, moving to a whole other country alone, knowing absolutely nobody etc, etc. Sure, everyone of our new signings got their fair share of criticism, but I do feel like there was also a level of patience with them, something that was/is a bit of lacking with Dominik. Endo and Grav were able to get slowly used to the Prem, getting their minutes managed, Dominik didn't. He was playing essentially the role of two players multiple times with all the red cards flying around in the first months and I say this comfortably, that many games were won thanks to his efforts.

This is how a team works, where players are fighting for each other and not just their own egos. He stepped up when Endo and Grav couldn't because of their fitness and when CuJo and Macca were sent off (..) or injured. And now, the others are doing the same thing. It's just recency bias that has people forming sometimes rather harsh opinions, I think.

GOSH, I do suffer from a very serious yapping disease. I could write literal essays on topics like this lol.

#dominik szoboszlai

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xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx · 2 months ago

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cant sleep cause my dumbass didn’t know i had other summer work besides english work so now i’m already so behind

istg the work was not at all in the document my principal sent us like even half my math class didn’t know that we had a packet to do. so ofc what does any sane person do when they now have to do 3 months worth of work by tomorrow and one assignment is due friday as well as other reg homework? melt tf down. i got home i watched a yt video and did my reg homework and then i cried for 4 hours over this and the fact that my dumb ass doesn’t know where my expensive ass calculator is and i need that asap. truly my school gives 0 like rest days we went from 0-100 in terms of school cause it was the first day of classes today and i already had a meltdown.

also my ma yelled at me abt the summer work so u know that was fun. spent 4 hours sobbing abt it to then go out to the living room to eat dinner and my ma starts getting on my case. like yes ma i know i know i’m an idiot. and when i tried to tell her that istg the homework was not in the document and no one told me to check where it actually was she yelled more abt back talk. it’s not back talk if im explaining myself.

so rn i’m doing the history work that’s due friday and after this i’m gonna work on the math packet that’s 100 algebra 2 problems so i doubt i’ll get any sleep but i will say i’m not new to this except usually it’s that i get home do homework eat dinner shower and do more homework cause my school likes to act like they care abt mental health and then drown students in work. sophomore year was so bad most students were just celebrating the fact that they didnt kill themselves by the end of the year.

school sucks ass. fucking hate this i hate school i hate the teachers i hate my mom i hate homework i hate myself and i hate hate hate hate math.

#scene kid #2000s scene #scenemo #emo #school #high school #scene fashion

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intoloopin-archive · 1 year ago

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MAKE BELIEVE IT'S HYPER REAL.

starring: Lee Hanjae, Im Yoora; featuring: mentions of Fukunaga Haruki, Jeon Heejin, fellow LOOPiN and Hashtag members; set in: Mid September, 2022. word account: 5,401 words. tws: none that came to our notice!

author's notes: 1. Yoora belongs to the amazing, talented, brilliant Amber, and can be find at @hshtag alongside all of her show stopping bandmates! This piece was originally a thread we did together over Discord, which was a first (successful attempt of making that format work, lkkdj) for me. I’d like to use this space again to thank her for making this experience fun, and for being so patience with me as always! Other then that, the uhze: 2. English is not my first language, and it might show to a native speaker or someone who’s more fluent then I am. I tried my best to iron this piece out, but if any grammatical errors flew over my head, I hope they don’t ruin the overall experience. With that out of the way, have a good read!

Hanjae sets the phone tripod at the center of the room more or less at the height of his chest – which totally isn’t housing a heart beating like a drum –, and tries his best to not let it slip through his fingers – that very much aren’t shaking like a leaf – when he takes his cell phone out of his back pocket and opens the front camera. He raises his head – which, for the record, absolutely doesn’t feel like it’s going to explode with a migraine at any minute – just to find his undeniable meek reflection all over the mirrored walls of the Melody Media practice room already looking at him, his two restless eyes just right there, obvious for Yoora to see, and point at, and comment on.

Drying his palms on his jeans, Hanjae mutes the thought and turns around at her. He says, with a tiny smile that feels terribly wobbly on his face, “All done. We can, you know, do the thing. And by the thing, I mean– the dance thing, that we planned, which is why I’m here. Ha. All done for that.”

He coughs, just to make up an excuse to shut up. For very little, he doesn’t give in to the urge to bang his head against the wall. Fuck. Fuck. He really gotta learn how to be subtle someday.

Hanjae knows he has no real reason to be anxious; it’s Yoora, whom he trusted with his most chaotic truths, whom in the years they’ve been friends, saw all of his oddest habits and transparent flaws and still allowed him to stick around. Maybe the only person in the world who’ll understand why he wants to do what he wants to do, why this is the only plan that makes sense, and still, he starts quivering every time she does as little as look at his direction.

He clears his dry throat, gethers all the little courage he still has in him, stored for the stages and the fans, and decides to try again: “Uh, actually, Yoora, before we do anything, can we– Do you feel like sitting down? I really, really feel like sitting down.”

And Hanjae sits down, crossing his legs on the cold floor and letting his hands go to cover his face, no longer trying to not look like the poster child for a meltdown.

Yoora was exceptionally tired today. She was normally worn out on most days, but it was different somehow. She wasn’t really sure why she agreed to film a whole dance routine with Hanjae, but maybe it was because he sounded a little desperate, like he really needed her there, so she complied and tried to fight off the sudden waves of exhaustion she felt whilst they practiced the choreo before they had even decided to start filming it.

It was clear that Hanjae seemed a little off recently and Yoora had noticed this. At the beginning, it could’ve been the occasional bad start to his day to explain why he had been acting like this but he began to seem more and more distracted and tense as the days moved by. Yoora wanted to ask Hanjae what was going on, but she didn’t want to force him into telling her all his thoughts just because she wouldn’t stop bothering him about it.

Even during their meeting, he seemed extremely awkward, if not nervous. That’s what confused Yoora, what was there to be nervous about? Sure she got nervous around Hanjae sometimes, but that’s because Yoora was just always nervous around people in general, it would take a long time before she began to get comfortable with them, and before that, would come a whole string of awkward situations or conversations due to Yoora’s lack of communication.

She heard Hanjae clear his throat uncomfortably causing her to break herself out of her thoughts that were endless. Yoora watched as he restlessly looked around the room for something to focus his attention on when he suggested that the pair should sit down instead of filming the video, just when they had perfected everything and finally managed to stay in sync with each other without someone making the wrong move or turning the wrong way.

Hanjae sits down and Yoora sits next to him, smiling. “Sure, we can sit down for a bit. I’m actually getting kind of bored of repeating the same moves over and over again, I need a break.” She breathes out, pressing her hand against her chest to steady her breathing. “You look like you have something to say, you keep wanting to speak then pausing. Is that why you brought me here?” Yoora asks, rapidly, not bothering to give him time to answer the questions and firing them at him instead.

She nudges his shoulder, leaning against him. “Whatever it is, you can tell me, it’s a judge free zone when I’m here.” Yoora states, fidgeting with the bracelets that adorned her wrist. “Whatever it is, It’s serious right? You’ve been acting weird all week because of it. So, what’s going on?”

Yoora is gentle with the nudge, still, Hanjae’s body sways to the side at the impact. What’s not going on, he thinks, but doesn’t say.

What he does says it’s something that he hasn’t got the chance to speak out loud yet. It's been tormenting him like he’s holding onto it for years, not less than a month. A piece of truth so secret it comes out of his mouth in a rush, like pure word vomit: “The thing is Haruki and I, we– well. We’re not– having fun anymore. Permanently. That’s– I wanted to tell you that.”

It’s been well over three weeks since they both had sat down inside that rented car in nowhere South Korea, no plans to where to go, no fixed destination, and what should have been another weird date had turned into a disaster when all of Hanjae’s suppressed emotions exploded on his face. He’s never been a spontaneous person, but he thought he could pretend to be anything as long as he had been doing it for the sake of finding love at the end of the road. He can’t believe that for a bit, he really thought there would be love at the end of that road.

Hanjae recognizes now that he doesn’t have a clear idea what love even means.

How can he start to explain these feelings? Yoora knows the nature of their whole situation, spared the occasional nauseating detail – the side of the story that is not in his business to tell, because it’s Haruki’s and Haruki’s only. Hanjae couldn’t bring himself to stay quiet in front of what was arguably one of the closest friends he ever had about what had been, at some point, something important.

They weren’t ever dating, but he and Haruki weren’t not not dating either. They had been stuck in this weird Can We, Can’t We game for four endless months, and Hanjae never did get around to learning all the rules before he had enough and found himself wanting out.

He takes a pensive pause, collecting all of his thoughts, searching for the right words. He fidgets with one of Yoora’s shoelaces until it unties, a timid attempt to amuse her through his silence – he really likes the sound of her laugh. Hanjae’s not particularly funny, but he wishes he had some comedic talent just to be the cause of it more.

She’s the right one for this, the loud thought that popped into his head days ago returns, louder; Yoora can make it all work.

“I ended it, you know, and I tried to do it gently, but I don’t think it worked in the end,” he clarifies with a helpless shrug of his shoulders. “He’s been weird, ever since. Distant, but not just with me, and– I know I messed up, and I misunderstood things, I then made them worse, but I keep having this one thought– Like I know what could help, really help him and me, I guess, but it’s not something I can do alone, or ask just anyone’s help, so… Enters you, maybe, but just if you want, okay? No pressure. None at all.”

Hanjae dares to reach for her hand and when he gets a hold of it, squeezes gently. He wants to look her in the eye as he says it all, from now on, so he does. “But what I want to ask you first, Yoora, is if you trust me enough to do something a bit crazy with me.”

She snorts quietly, attempting to hold back her laughter. She notices how long it takes for Hanjae to answer and just looks at him. It’s quite funny that she can almost see the cogs in his brain turning as a crease between his eyebrows appears, signaling that he’s still lost in thought. When he finally does answer, Yoora is a little shocked. “So, what you’re saying is, you two aren’t together anymore? Like, seriously?” He nods in reply and her eyes begin to water a little. It wasn’t because she was upset, definitely not, she had no right to act that way, it was due to the fact that she felt bad for Hanjae.

His whole life story could make Yoora cry. She had always felt some sort of lingering remorse for him, especially when they first met. He seemed like a quiet person, the odd one out of a bunch of evens but it suited him. Even if he was the odd one out, it always made him seem different and different was always good for Yoora. She hates silence, she absolutely hates having to sit quietly for too long, or avoid the awkwardness that comes with it but when it comes to Hanjae and Yoora, silence is always comforting for her. Maybe it was just Hanjae’s presence, but she could sit and do nothing with him forever and not once say that she was bored.

Maybe it meant that they were soulmates or something. Yoora didn’t really get that stuff very much, it all confused her, how could you possibly be soulmates with someone you haven't met yet? Her view changed a little once she began to get closer to Hanjae, she was certain that now, soulmates definitely meant something to her. They also had so much in common that it was easy for them to become friends. Yoora had friends, but none of them were like Hanjae. Hanjae understood every single choice or action Yoora would do, because he would’ve done it too. It was as if they just clicked together, like a puzzle piece, and couldn’t function properly without the other.

As Yoora lays her head on Hanjae’s shoulder, she can feel him begin to untie her shoelaces, which makes her smile a little. She finds it funny, she finds everything Hanjae does funny. He may not think it, but Yoora thinks Hanjae’s the only person she knows that’s naturally funny without trying too hard. She would laugh if she could, but she doesn’t have enough energy for that, so instead she lifts her head up and turns her body to look at him. “I laughed internally, now can you please re-tie them?” Yoora asks, using her head to point down at the shoelaces draped across the shiny floor.

He listens and finishes tying Yoora’s shoelaces when he begins another sentence. “Sometimes ending things gently isn't the best thing for both parties. ‘Cause then it just makes everything seem like it was perfect, when it wasn’t.” She replies with a small, tight smile on her face. “Of course he’s gonna be distant Jae, Haruki’s probably got a lot going on and ending whatever you two had, was just something else he could add on to his king list, you know? Don’t stress too much about it, one day he’ll be back to normal and you guys can rebuild your friendship, somehow.” Yoora chooses her words carefully, not wanting to say something she shouldn’t by accident since she knows she’s getting a little more nervous as time passes by.

Hanjae’s hands feel softer and warmer than usual, or Yoora’s paying too much attention to them. He squeezes her hands, and it puts her at ease. The nerves die down once they make eye contact with each other. Yoora has never been good at holding eye contact, but at this specific moment, it didn’t seem like a challenge, just a normal reflex. She’s always noticed how detailed Hanjae’s eyes were and how depending on the light, they would get lighter or darker. They were pretty, much like him. “You know that I trust you, and I’d help you with almost anything,” She pauses. “As long as I’m not like murdering someone, I’m in.” She gently removes one of her hands from his hold and slaps him on the arm. “Hurry up and tell me! I’ve been waiting for too long.”

“It’s not murder,” Hanjae says, lips curling up despite everything. He can feel a small wave of relief starting to wash over him, as Yoora’s encouraging energy takes over all around the room, gently untying the knot on his chest. “The idea I had was more… simple.”

“I figured that the quickest way to make it all normal again, might be just to show him that I moved on, because I really did move on. I’m doing fine with all the feelings– there’s not even that many to consider. Things were never all that nice between us, but nothing about it came close to crushing me. I don’t feel like running off to a mountain and becoming chaste for the rest of my life. I’m not gonna just give up all relationships, that’s not the right thing to do, but I feel that’s he’s assuming I’ll do, for some reason I don’t get. I think it would be good to make him think I’m seeing someone else soon– someone that he knows I like and that likes me, in a way, like you, because you’ve been my friend for a while and… You see what I’m hinting at? Maybe?”

The thing is: Hanjae doesn’t want to rub it all over Haruki’s face and parade Yoora around in a fake relationship as a big ‘got ya’ moment, that’s far from being a part of his plan, but he does want him to see that progress is a real option. Hell, if he weren’t such an introvert and Dispatch was never a thing, he really would be trying to get himself out there instead of running to Yoora with a grand scheme.

What’s really breaking his heart here is that no matter what he’s tried to say these last few days, no matter what he’s tried to do, Haruki just can’t recognize they both had been at fault; he keeps acting like a criminal waiting to be convicted, which is far away from the truth. For all the times Haruki had been evasive, and mean, and acted inconsiderate of his very obvious feelings, Hanjae had been terribly selfish to match, demanting time he knew his bandmate could not give him, ignoring the few real terms and conditions he got for the sake of signs he made up out of thin air.

But just because they couldn’t get the steps right between them, it doesn’t mean they can’t do this dance with other people.

There’s a joke here somewhere, about being about to make this one ask in this setting, with the one person Hanjae feels like he could dance with without his feet failing him. He has the feeling that he can’t deal with the punchline just yet.

“So, with all that in mind,” Hanjae prompts, letting his free hand hover over Yoora’s wrist and picking over the jewelry around it, just as she did shortly ago. He’s looking up at the ceiling as he finally asks, "Would you fake date me, Yoora?”

It’s a bit ridiculous, but he feels himself blushing, out of all things. Hanjae has only had relationships that started off on the wrong foot so far; the only girlfriend he did have was still the partner of a friend when they first kissed, which definitely isn’t a feat to be added to the highlights of his teenage life. He doesn’t think he’s ever been in a situation where he even got to ask this one question to anyone seriously, which is a realization that makes him feel a bit sad.

He tries to not let his face fall again as he amends, quickly and firmly because Hanjae knows it’s important to get this one thing out of the way: “I’m not trying to do with him what Heejin did to you, Yoonnie, I promise. It wouldn’t be real, and it wouldn’t be long.”

“I didn’t think you were capable of killing anybody anyways, don’t worry.” Yoora giggles, letting out the laughter she’d been holding back for a while. She wanted to keep the mood light since Hanjae seemed uncomfortable with whatever idea he wanted to propose to her. “No, I totally get it. You want to prove to him that you’re capable of seeing other people and that he hasn’t, like, completely ruined your dating life forever.” Yoora hums, nodding at his words to indicate her understanding. When she says she gets it, she really does get it. She felt the same exact way when she had just broken up with Heejin, she had moved on so quickly that Yoora didn’t even get a chance to be upset or anything, she had to move on quickly as well.

That’s what she hated about Heejin, how unfair she was, she was always making things difficult for Yoora during their relationship but it made her feel better knowing that Hanjae understood where they were both coming from. Their situations may not have been similar, but they had the same exact feeling when it was over. “I would love to say that I know where you're heading with this explanation, but I’m getting a bit lost over here..” Yoora trails off, not knowing what else to say to continue the conversation. She had a lot of questions to ask, but she wanted Hanjae to finish speaking before she got too confused and fired all her confusement at him.

Yoora averts her attention back towards Hanjae’s face, studying his anxious expression as his eyes flick upwards. “Sure, I'll be your fake girlfriend, what’s the worst that could happen?” She replies, uncrossing her legs and stretching them back out. Realistically, no-one should agree to something like this so quickly but Yoora was Yoora, meaning that she would do just about anything as long as it didn’t lead to her death.

She had sort of gotten the hints earlier, but didn’t want to jump to any conclusions. Hanjae finally blurting out what was plaguing his mind confirmed her initial thoughts and Yoora was quite proud of how fast it took her to get the gist of what he was trying to say.

The only thing she was worried about was how she was going to convince everyone else that it was real. Obviously her group members would notice that something was off with her, but she didn’t want to tell them anything without Hanjae’s permission, in case it ruined whatever he had planned. Yoora wasn’t very good at keeping secrets from people closest to her, she was a good secret keeper in general, but this one was a little too big to hide. She feels the beads around her wrist tighten and loosen as they’re picked and Yoora somehow finds it quite calming, she’s not afraid or anything, just a little jittery after thinking about too many things at once. Bringing her legs closer to her chest, she notices the faint blush painted over Hanjae’s face. She wants to smile at how easy it is for the boy to be flustered over simple things, but decides to keep it hidden so that she doesn’t ruin the serious atmosphere.

“Oh don’t worry, I know you’re nothing like Heejin. You’d be a better fake boyfriend than she was a real girlfriend, anyways.” Heejin had many flaws, so there was no reason for Hanjae to reassure Yoora. The only thing they had in common was the first letter of their names and Hanjae had always been a good friend to Yoora, helping him out with this one small thing was the least that she could do for him. “It could be as long or as short as you wanted it to be and I would still help you, I’m in.” Her shoulder collided with Hanjae’s as she leant back a little to stretch out her sore limbs. “We have to be careful about it though. We should make a list!” She suggests excitedly, clasping her hands together as things come together in her head.

Hanjae lets out his first real laugh of the day – or maybe the week, he isn’t quite sure how long it’s been – as Yoora reassures him Heejin isn’t a concern, as well outrights gets on board with an enthusiasm that, somehow, has cemented in him. He doesn’t like to think of himself as someone who seeks much validation, but it would be a lie to say her approval doesn’t make him feel confident. There’s nothing to disapprove of, anyway: it’s a good, harmless plan.

Hanjae mimics her stretching, raising his long arms up and spinning his head to relax his neck, then gets up to go fetch his abandoned phone to put his Notes app to use. She’s right, after all. They’re remarkably bad liars, and will need to construct this out if they want to be convincing.

“I did want to treat you to something to eat, after everything had been discussed, so that could be our first ��date’? It's been a while, right, since we got to go out?” He pauses. “Our PR manager has been insisting I go out more with ‘friends that remind me to take photos’. I need material to add to my Fab and Instagram feed.”

Hanjae lets himself chat away as his cloudy mind dissipates, leaving him with only two troughs to fixate over.

The first is a surprising realization: Hanjae is pretty sure that this might be the easiest bit he’s ever attempted to keep up. Haruki will only need as much as hear him saying ‘I’m seeing Yoora’ once to get it, and none of his other members have ever cared enough for what he does to ask too deep into it or even register any plot holes if he gives them a story, except for maybe Seungsoo and Jiahang, but that's just because they both need gossip to live more than food and water.

There’s a very small chance Dylan will want more than the odd detail into his dating life from now on, since he's seemed to have picked up something of what went on, which Hanjae always knew had been a bit inevitable given his current position as Haruki’s roommate and latest emotional hostage. In a way, Chihoon might have been the one who planted this fake dating idea into his head with all the romcoms he made them sit through ‘for no reason at all, dude’, so it’s only fair.

The second thought, louder and more exciting, is simple: Hanjae is just optimistic that by doing this, they can just go all in on the light and fun and make this ‘relationship’ exactly how they want it. Hanjae’s a bit of a romantic, he admits, and the limitations that come with being an Idol haven’t stopped him from wanting to do silly couple routines like matching outfits or even outright sharing things.

He gives Yoora a discreet up and down, and finds himself suppressing a smile. Hanjae knows from experience that all of his jackets look big enough on her to cover her hands, when she wears them – it would be very, very nice if she did wear them more.

He taps into his phone ‘topic of conversation: couple look’, and tries not to look too pleased.

Yoora thinks Hanjae’s laugh suits him, and it doesn’t seem forced like the hundreds of other ones she’s encountered, it sounds exactly like him.

“I’m being serious! I hate not having everything planned out in front of me, we can just use that notes app, right?” She asks as she watches him open his phone and scroll to the said app. She had always been someone who needed everything to be planned out, otherwise she was sure she wouldn’t be able to keep things going. Or maybe that was because Yoora wasn’t an organized person and wanted at least one thing to go perfectly planned in her life.

“Yeah, It has been a while since we hung out properly, without any hidden meanings or something and it is true, you definitely need to take more photos. Your fans are probably questioning what you’re doing right now.” Yoora smiles and gently hits him on the shoulder as she remembers how empty Hanjae’s instagram looks compared to her constant posting schedule. If she didn’t keep to the schedule, she’d probably be yelled at a few times, but it was easy for her to stick to it since she loved taking photos and social media in general. She also loved to be anywhere but the company building or the group’s dorm; it always felt too cramped there despite the fact that there were only five other people that took up the rest of the space Yoora wasn’t using.

As Hanjae goes silent, she realizes that she has no idea how she was going to attempt to hide this from the rest of her members. They simply wouldn’t understand if Yoora just sprung it upon them and told them that she now had a boyfriend, it would be too weird or oddly timed. But then, she didn’t really want to tell them everything about the situation at hand, it wasn’t really her place to share anything that Hanjae had chosen to share with her out of trust for the girl.

Yoora didn’t feel any sort of resentment towards Haruki, but his name being brought up always made her feel bad for him, and Hanjae. Whatever they had trapped themselves into was a tough journey, especially with what they both had going on, it seemed like neither was truly happy.

This led Yoora to her current thought, how was she meant to act? Obviously, she knew how to be a girlfriend, but she didn’t know how to be a fake girlfriend. She wasn’t sure if it required different needs to what regular relationships needed and Yoora wasn’t sure that she was a good actress. She already knew Hanjae could act, and it was clearly a gift of his, but she was a little short on that end. Maybe she could practice, or maybe she was thinking too much and getting too into the whole fake relationship mentality, but that’s just how her brain always worked. It was always coming up with stupid ideas, so she wasn’t surprised that she agreed so quickly, she had nothing better to do.

It wasn’t as if she saw Hanjae’s proposal as a simple task or a good way to cure her boredom, but Yoora had absolutely no reason for her to object because it didn’t really affect her negatively or positively and Hanjae was as close to being her best friend as anyone could get to, she was simply helping him out. She was scared to get too deep into her thoughts and decided to shrug it off, coming to the conclusion that she would just have to figure everything out a little later.

“Okay…what other rules are we meant to have? Oh! We have to be really careful to not get caught, everyone needs to believe that it’s real, I know it’s obvious but it’ll ruin everything if we do.” The way Yoora was pushing her words together so they came out too quickly showed how interested she was getting, and when she was interested in something, she was never going to let it go. Yoora placed her hand on her chest, groaning quietly. “Actually, I’m exhausted, anything else I need to know?”

Hanjae will not lie: there are a billion steps they might need to take to orchestrate this pretend boyfriend and girlfriend scheme – improvising is really not his forte, and he personally could overthink this for hours on end, but–

Yoora brings her hand in front of her face to hide a yawn, and suddenly Hanjae’s hit with the delayed realization that they’ve been doing choreography for hours with little to no filmed content to show for it, since he looked like he was at his wits end during most of it. A part of him feels drained, too, physically but especially emotionally, maybe even for way longer than he allowed himself to stop to think of.

He might need a very intense drum session to work all the lingering tension off this weekend, or even an improvised retreat into Taesong’s yoga corner of the living room. He hasn’t had enough time to sit with just himself, lately.

This operation should start soon, yes, but not exactly right now. No good plan is made in one single sitting, and Hanjae can barely think of dos and don’ts now, when his knee muscles are threatening to start killing him in minutes.

“No,” Hanjae says to her, softly. “Just that– Thank you again for saying yes, Yoonie. I’ll try my best, with you. Even if it’s pretend, I’m not gonna mess it up. I promise.”

To himself, he goes deeper into the vow, and swears that he’ll not make a mess while trying to fix another. Hanjae will easily let Yoora go, when the time’s right, and he’ll be grateful for her time and for her help, and it’ll be all. He’s not going to suffocate her with a million ideas of what the two of them should look like, to pass as a couple in his eyes. He’ll not get too used to it to forget why they’re doing it in the first place. He’ll not want something he can’t have despite his selfish and grabby nature.

It’ll be a good and fun exercise, and– a flash of when they first met comes to his mind, of how captivated he was by Yoora and her everything – it could be a challenge, which he’s okay with. Maybe there is some sort of tiny part of Hanjae that needs something to put his strength to the test, a monitored try-out before he’s dunk into the big dating pool, some evaluation he can pass and deem himself… adjusted.

(He feels his jaw tense up immediately. He might have gotten Haruki’s initial deal with him better just now. Yikes. Big, big yikes.)

In front of him, Hanjae sees Yoora enthusiastically nod, hair swinging side to side, cracking a smile that communicates relief and amusement. He’s struck by the sudden urge to buy her heart shaped chocolate as a joke, probably. He starts mentally tracing roots to all the confectionery places nearby, but stops himself before his hand itches for his phone.

Hanjae walks side by side with her to leave the room, stops by the door to crack it open, and just as Yoora is about to pass him by, he makes a less dubious humorous decision: Hanjae signals for her to stop, takes off his nylon jacket and places it over her shoulders, almost like it’s a cape. It’s a bit awkward and clumsily done, but that’s part of his goal. Their shared laugh is light, and it radiates fun.

More than anything, he wants to show Yoora that he’s serious, but just the type of committed serious one can be while playing pretend. Nothing is going to change, when it’s just the two of them. They’ll keep on being friends, which is what they’ll always like each other for.

Maybe that’s the complicity you should feel, he thinks just then, quicker as the practice room lights being turned off after he presses the switch; when you have a partner.

Sometimes, it’s really hard for Hanjae to believe that he’ll ever get to know.

#&& ⠀ [ . . . ] hound on a hunt ⠀⸻ writing .#&& ⠀ [ . . . ] hound on a hunt ⠀⸻ hanjae .#&& ⠀ [ . . . ] hound on a hunt ⠀⸻ development .#fake kpop group #fictional idol community #kpop au #kpop fanfic #kpop oc #yoojae baby!!!!!! as strong as always

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lokilysolbitch · 8 months ago

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hello i would like to add some personal examples bc i have chronic nightmares and sleep paralysis

things i do after nightmare:

-sit and stare. the longer i stare the more fucked up the dream was

-i still try to prepare for things that were supposed to happen in the nightmare for a few minutes before i realize realize i don't need to

-if i wake up in the dark and the nightmare was more dread based than fear based, or if it had supernatural horror themes i'll be genuinely paralyzed out of fear until the sun comes up or i can get a light on

-also i will cover as much of myself as possible in blanket. you know so The Bad doesn't get me

-sometimes i wake up and don't even remember the nightmare and then later in the day when i remember The Horrors and im like "😃,,,,,,,,,,,😨"

-sometimes im afraid to sleep again and try to stay awake, sometimes i just accept it, sometimes i try to guess what flavor of nightmare i'll have next

things i do after waking up from sleep paralysis, once i can like, move:

-sit tf up as fast as possible, sometimes i'm wide awake after and sometimes i still feel half asleep, but either way i will get my ass uP even if it feels like i am made of molasses. rip to my phone trying to tell me i'm got my passcode wrong for the 8th time bc i'm to tired to think

-after sitting up long enough i'll re-evaluate going to sleep and if i do, i set a timer for like 2 minutes bc if i get sleep paralysis within that time the alarm vibrating snaps me out of it (not the sound though). and then i keep repeating the timer and sleep in 2 minute increments. sometimes the alarm doesn't go off for some reason and then i am just screwed and may or may not be having sleep paralysis again

other random sleep things:

-when i go to sleep i consider what would be a comfortable position to be stuck in if i get sleep paralysis

-i take naps with some sort of video playing so if i get sleep paralysis at least i'm entertained. i've woken up paralyzed to asmr bf content playing before. it was really helpful actually. none of you can judge me for it bc this is tumblr

-there's a whole system/flow chart for what makes sleep paralysis and nightmares happen more or less often for me and it sounds like someone explaining the rules of the english alphabet and all of its exceptions. (i can sleep during the day but i can't Go To Sleep during the day. sometimes. except if--) basically i will probably just have a nightmare/sleep paralysis

-this is probably a nicher experience but i'm pagan so sometimes i pray during sleep paralysis. i am saying "get me out get me out loki plsssssssssssssssss can you wake me up plssss i love you so much can you wake me up" and it has worked sometimes

-half the time i shoot up into sitting up after a nightmare/sleep paralysis before i'm even aware and every time i'm like "this is just like in the movies"

-sometimes while falling asleep i realize i'm falling asleep and i feel my muscles relaxing and i'm like "SLEEP PARALSIS⁉️🫨" and i snap awake and i have to distract myself with tiktok for several minutes before i try again

-sometimes i use sleep paralysis as a way to practice controlling dreams bc my brain likes the nightmare+sleep paralysis+physical pain(????????????) combo and i would like to change that. i don't think ur supposed to feel pain in dreams but my brain is a little bitch to me apparently. and it hates me

sleep deprivation things:

- i am autistic, but sleep deprived i get VERY fucking autistic, like more than my usual. i'm more sensitive to stimuli and my already low level of masking is even lower. if you say hi and smile at me i will literally just stare at you. smiling back hasn't even crossed my mind. i won't be able to soften my blunt comments. i lose the ability to dissociate through grocery trips. a lot of my safe clothes become unsafe and i can only tolerate skirts and loose shirts bc they don't feel like they're touching me. my meltdowns are generally internalized but when sleep deprived they will probably be external and happen a lot faster

things people do after having a nightmare that isn’t crying

struggle to catch their breath

grab onto whatever’s close enough to ground themselves in reality

become nauseous / vomit

shake uncontrollably

sweat buckets

get a headache

things people do to combat having nightmares if they occur commonly

sleep near other people so they can hear the idle sounds of them completing tasks

move to a different sleeping spot than where they had the nightmare

leave tvs / radios / phones on with noise

just not sleep (if you want to go the insomnia route)

sleep during the day in bright rooms

things people with insomnia do

first, obviously, their ability to remember things and their coordination will go out the window

its likely they’ll become irritable or overly emotional

their body will start to ache, shake, and weaken

hallucinate if it’s been long enough

it becomes incredibly easy for them to get sick (and they probably will)

add your own in reblogs/comments!

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molqr · 10 days ago

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nathan explosion is so easy. he didnt speak til he was 5 in my heart i think his mom tried to teach him basic asl and even when he started talking he didnt really do it much until he discovered music and chanelled it all into his screaming and his lyrics. he will wander. he doesnt care, if it sucks he'll just leave. feels like a fatass because he can't eat a lot of fruits without wanting to throw up because of the texture. smoothies might be life changing for this man. also hes not into physical textures as much as he is tastes. pica warrior to me he likes dry things and his hair. i think he likes eating iced drinks. like putting orange juice into ice cubes and crunching them or plain popsicles and just chomping about 20 of them.

toki is also so easy. i think he accidentally mimics accents and it makes his english so much less comprehensible. like if hes hanging around one of them too long he'll unintentionally mimic some of their vocal patterns. skwisgaar hates this. i think hes a chronic nail biter and bites the skin around his fingers and it fucks up his guitar playing. skin pickkers rise. also toki is violent and he feels immense shame for it when he has meltdowns. kind of oblivious, in my mind he's aware people might assume hes stupid or childish or whatever but he really doesn't care he has bigger problems. he just hits people for fun. i get him. loves 'cringe' stuff loves cartoon his fursona is a regular cat with his human head and skwisgaars mad at him for doing it wrong. speaking of skwisgaar,

skwisgaar is the gatekeeper to me behind toki. tokis physically violent but skwisgaar just screams and shit. shes in love with her guitar and just playing the guitar she has very few things she likes but theyre near and dear to her heart. if anybody she dislikes she feels is doing it Wrong or Tainting it she'll start screaming and throwing shit and then dissapear for a few days. shes also very #Leaving if she doesn't care shes not going. she comes across as somebody who would say whatever shes thinking more but she got too insecure so she just doesnt speak. guitarrr thats stimmingggg. would die 1000 deaths if she wasnt the best guitar player in the world. nobody knows her (the guitar) like she does. my weirdest one is i think she likes small spaces. sometimes she just sits in wardrobes and shit because she likes the privacy of it. she did it more as a kid but doesnt do it at much because shes an older woman and also tall.

murderface is all the gross aspects nobody likes to focus on and i like that a lot. yeah he forgets to shower yeah hes blunt and if he feels insulted he'll instantly start yelling and throwing insults and shit. sensory seeking food combos everybody thinks are gross. he didnt like the feel or taste of toothpaste as a kid so he never brushed his teeth and had to get them pulled out. he hates the dentist. hes insecure so he deals with this by embracing it and being authentically kind of horrible. like hes like this anyway but sometimes he really, really leans into it, because the idea of somebody realising hes somehow 'disgusting' and never talking to him is like a horrible fear to him, so he just... always acts his worst so people will never be dissapointed by him because they dont expect better. a horrible mentality i dont think he grows from for a long long time.

pickles is the reason i made this post because i actually think about pickletism the least but i think if anything those stupid little gay sweatbands could also be because if he feels water dripping down his arms he'll freak out because its a horrible texture experience. im blanking on a lot of music examples because im bad at it but music is a big part of the fun for pickles. if you cant feel it in your chest from the noise whats the point. loves pressure he wants nathan to lay on top of him until his body hurts. oh my god i really dont have anything for pickles so sorry sweet bitch i dont think about you as much as i thought i did.......

#long post #not tagging this as anything its 5am i just like imagining them being autistic #this is probably really bad too. be nice to me

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ao3feed-renga · 2 years ago

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love, me normally

by curse_worm

Langa and Reki's mental health days don't always line up in helpful ways, but they find ways to be there for each other despite it. How will they handle Langa having a meltdown at S?

im bad at summaries but i basically just wanted to base langa's character traits after my own experience with being OCD and on the spectrum lol. you can't tell me this boy doesn't have a touch of the tism. and he's very gay. so relatable.

Words: 3362, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: SK8 the Infinity (Anime)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: M/M

Characters: Kyan Reki, Hasegawa Langa, Nanjo Kojiro | Joe, Chinen Miya, Sakurayashiki Kaoru | Cherry Blossom

Relationships: Hasegawa Langa/Kyan Reki

Additional Tags: One Shot, Neurodiversity, Kyan Reki Has ADHD, Autistic Hasegawa Langa, Autism, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Fluff

From https://ift.tt/d4gzCnM https://archiveofourown.org/works/41191887

#renga #langa #hasegawa langa #reki #kyan reki #sk8theinfinity #sk8 #ao3feed #ao3 #archiveofo

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ofcowardiceandkings · 3 years ago

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I've seen you reference story implications in the sequel to BOTW a few times but I can't find an explanation and I'm still not sure what you mean 😖

not to worry being a vague mess is one of my fortés lol

im gonna get mad english-class serious a second because i need it to explain my shit hold on to yer horses lads this is gonna get long and over the top im SO SORRY in advance ..........

what i generally mean is if we take every interaction in BotW as if it had actually happened, not in the details minutiae sense like if you felt like Link would be nice to Bozai or want to spin kick him in the head way, but if Nintendo included an interaction or lore then it happened at some point or was learned way (the correct answer is spin kick though), then Link would know a LOT of very personal thoughts and feelings from a LOT of people.

to be fair, most of said people have passed away by this point in the story BUT more to the point Zelda is still very much alive and is also in some kind of tenuous contact with Link throughout the course of the game via Spooky Voice On The Winds just for good measure

regardless of what opinion you come away with of Link's own emotions - original Japanese text adventure log and player point-of-contact poker-face not withstanding - it is 100% canonical that Zelda had a thing for Link before the Calamity after they got to actually interacting and understanding each other. even if you wanna side-eye the construction of the story told by "Captured Memories" to be at LEAST a little romantically orientated (which in my opinion is a dubious stance to take given how typical storytelling structure works), what Kass has to say about the whole thing is explicitly textual, if only through secondhand information (although i will say a court poet seems like a sound bet in terms of reading people and especially if the person youre reading is a teenager with no concept of not wearing her heart on her sleeve and Small Emotions). trying to ignore ALL of that and - to be honest - what the latest batch of writing team has been doing since Skyward Sword isnt so much "reading the subtext/story wrong" as it is willfully ignoring it lol

not that im saying thats a bad thing, i also ignore chunks or details of stories i dislike because "fuck that im having fun" but i can also acknowledge that whatever im ignoring did in fact happen even if i think its stupid ... anyway

and the only reason i think this is a train of thought less-travelled is purely due to how HUGE BotW is, theres a LOT of stuff .. like i hang out with friends mostly playing BotW on twitch every day and we all learn things constantly. if you dont go hard for the lore and story you miss it, thats the nature of storytelling in the way BotW went about it

like i said, it's kind of dependent on what content is to be taken as having ACTUALLY happened. the only thing that isnt up for debate is that he regained all of the main-game memories since that's how you get the "true"/full ending. but did Link really read those diaries, did he really have that chat with Kass in Rito Village, is The Champion's Ballad lore going to be carried over,, that sort of thing. in my opinion? yes, because more solidly Nintendo included it for a reason no matter of what percentage of players found it, but in an off-shoot opinion if i was trying to regain my lost memories i'd give ANYTHING a chance of getting them back even if it meant the awkwardness of reading my long-gone friends diaries 🤷‍♂️

basically, what i mean when i have a meltdown over "the plot implications of BotW on BotW2" is im extremely curious to see how Nintendo handle 1) Zelda's established feelings towards Link (assuming they still exist, which i think we have reason to believe they do) and 2) Link quite possibly KNOWING about it. oh and them not existing in an extremely rigid class-driven society anymore.

i dunno about you - or the writing team for that matter - but if i was made aware that a pretty and smart person who i used to be around a lot had a thing for me i would be going out of my MIND lmfao

while their dynamic in past games has been quite developed or had romantic overtones before, BotW is by FAR the most complex understanding of them with the most information given to the player about how their characters grow from more than one angle. like having known each other for some time, general depictions of them existing around each other, visible emoting around the others' circumstances .. these things have happened before but not in such a huge combination. oh AND an abject change in their relationship after having come to some kind of understanding, which is definitely new, let alone that understanding happening OFF SCREEN.

i'll stop now before i actually write a full essay, but lets just say this is even more uncharted territory than Skyward Sword's obvious love story and the "oh and then he was king of hyrule :)" at the end of the original, because like ... its a sequel ... after the fact ..... unresolved

........ yeah

#IM SO SORRY IVE OUTDONE MYSELF IM SO RABID ........................#lol remember when i wrote a couple of sherlock metas ? good times ... im never gonna unlearn understanding fiction now its here #lets just say there are a LOT of ways this could go and i hope Nintendo doesnt chicken out if theyre implying what theyve been implying #there are a LOT of ways this could go ... and im not sure what i'd prefer ?? i just dont want them to sweep it under the rug #because THAT would be annoying and kind of rude to the people who DID find all the story they could :/ lol #i was already a hardcore LoZ fan but then BotW came and slapped me in the face with a chainmail gauntlet and challenged me to Step Up #i could actually 100% do a full essay on this im more than equipped but im not that bad yet #no ones pissed me off that badly .. YET .. i have seen some astoundingly bad takes out there though yeesh #anyway i'll go to bed now SORRY AGAIN [blows kiss]#rory's ramblings #asks #anon #long post #zelink #zelda blogging #botw/totk blogging

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mingot-studios · 3 years ago

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Things currently polluting my mind (will be added to as i think of things)

How bad the Star vs. Finale was, and weather i should even bother trying to watch the show again at this point

The fact that the next JoJolion chapter is coming out soon and I STILL haven’t read 107 with my mom even though I’ve already read it

Not being caught up on One Piece and having 0 IDEA of whats happening at this poin as well starting to flaws with the series (racism, transphobia, and homophobia) that i knew was there but chose to ignore and weather it should hinder my relationship with the series. Also wanting to murder Oda for demoting Franky to ‘Pervy Grandma’ (srsly wtf oda)

Upset Infinity Train was cancelled even though i never watched it, and wonder why the fans cry for it to come is suddenly not happening?

The fact i’m going to be returning to in person schooling which is my personal HELL

my brother leaving for college upstate (Me and my brother have never really been that close, we fight alot but I cant imagine life without him)

The fact that my procrastination has gotten so bad that I nearly had to retake PE, World History, and English

The Owl House coming back on the 12th but i had downloaded the first 2 episodes but haven’t watched them and debating if i should, also having a meltdown over Disney screwing the show over and having its third be 3 or 4 (i cant remember) 44-minute specials

The fact that me and brother STILL haven’t finished our Yume 2kki Let’s Play

I haven’t been watching anime regularly with my mom

I haven’t posted anything to my DeviantArt or YouTube in months

I have so much energy right now but no outlets

I still haven’t tried out my drawing pad i got for my birthday last year

I have so many drawing ideas but my spiral sketchpad is filled up and I have yet to get a new one

Ive many intricit and detailed story ideas that i know im gonna forget if i dont write them down bu due my procrastination i haven’t done so im prolly gonna lose everything

The fact Thurston Waffles hasn’t posted anything since late April as well as the fact that he’s got Kidney problems

So many ideas for videos but I only have WindowsMovieMaker and the HumbleBundle my mom got me idk YEARS ago won’t install

I’m gonna be 17 at the end of September, which i only have until next June before I graduate High school, have to give up my Chromebook, start thinking about college and getting a job, possibly moving out and living on my own, the knowledge that my parents are in their late 50′s and early 60′s so hey might be gone sooner than most parents and I dont know how to function without my parents doing everything for me

These weird tingles ive been getting in my body for he pas couple days

The fact that im not gonna a kid soon and im gonna have to grow and stop doing whatever i want whenever i want and i’m gonna never accomplish my dream of creating a successful cartoon and will probably end up at a dead end job I HATE just to make ends meet and eventually dying alone because I dont wanna be in a relationship or have kids

Everything is too overwhelming. The light, the sound, my thoughts, its all too much. I wanna curl up into a tiny ball and disappear from this awful experience called life

Capitalism

i hate being so passionately when i’m upset, everyone else is calm but i have meltdowns and freaks outs over things i shouldn’t even care about or are miniscule (Comes with being autistic i guess)

I have 0 patience and i hate it

I’m starting to regress back to being a childish brat after all the progress i’ve made

i’m constantly surrounded by either criticism or praise that contradict each other so i dont know what to believe about myself

the fact that i have so many great story ideas but i cant write a cohernt thought with proper grammer or sytax or spelling o save my life, nor the art skill or the patience or the tech to draw comics

i haven seen my therapist in days and i need help but i know im not actually gonna change

having gender panic

I have no in person friends and ive forgotten how to interact with people

ive become a noodle limbed nerd

Ive gotten super skinny

I want someone o break through my shell and help me change bu I know thats just a fantasy and im the only one who can do that but im too lazy to put effort into it

everything i used to enjoy suddenly feels tedious monotonous repetitive and uninteresting

I feel trapped and scraed

The fact after being bulied so much the only way i can really assert myself is to get violent and angry because they would want me breakdown and cry

I have this image in my head of who i want to be; And badass that people including adults, are scared of and know not to fuck with me or they’ll get hurt (Basically Jotaro, bu I’ve had this image since before i even knew what jojo was) And the fact I KNOW that i’s a pointless endever and that i only dig my own grave when i get mad but its like ingrained Branded into my my psyche so im always going to larp that vision of myself but not get anywhere and only regress further

I want to address my problems and change but I never do and stay static and regress

I cant take crticisim even though i know its true

The reason im so scared of writing fanfiction is because i know its gonna be a mess despite what i think is a great story and people will end up mocking it and what little self confidence i have will shatter

Star Vs wasted potential

the fact that I dont know where to take the whole “Rubi dies at the end of he first season but comes back o life except she’s not actually she’s just a walking meat sack containing an anchint eldritch god that will, sooner or later, burst out of her and destroy her body, and she’s fighting for control of her ow body due to Skarlotus trying to devor her soul and Data’s medience is only delaying the inevitable” storyline of my concept cartoon, The Crypto Club

I have an AMAZING idea for an Invader Zim storyline that has fascism, rascism, mass genocide, child soldiers, political intrigue, propaganda, baiscally space hitler and more (okay that came out sound REALLY bad, but NONE of it painted as good!) It also involves Zim and Dib coming together to stop an even bigger threat and there is a really ironic ending that brings my OC GA83′s story full circle

#the owl house #yume 2kki #thurston waffles #star vs the forces of evil #JoJo's Bizarre Adventure #jojolion #one piece #vent #save infinity train #infinity train #amphibia #gravity falls #the crypto club #invader zim #Princess Ovilium Midorihato Metamorphosis Androma Serugi The First #Princess Ovil

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iampikachuhearmeroar · 3 years ago

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yknow while this hellsite continues on the whole religion discussion thing, i’d like to jump in on it with my experience particularly with leaving catholic school.

like aside from my angsty pop-punk/emo etc teen phase (which’ll obvs be weaved into story later on) that led me to have different views from the church and aside from the whole sexism thing that i endured over my year 10 formal/junior prom in 2010 and 2011 from staff there….. i found it within myself incredibly hard to leave there… mostly because i’d known literally 1/3 of my year group at catholic school since kindy/kindergarten or some other point in primary school.

this affected my choice to leave and it was quite tumultuous inwardly. knowing the safety and predictably of the people i was with for all those years was a comfort to me. i knew their parents due to parent mixer bbqs that we’d have after mother’s day and father’s day liturgies- although i hated the mother’s day ones mostly, due to personal reasons. but to leave that comfortable place for overly loyal, kinda sorta shy (although everyone who knew me at that school wouldn’t’ve described me as shy bc i was a very loud show off because of drama class 😅) and by year 10, very lonely, highly socially anxious and depressed, teen me was terrifying. it meant losing her friends and stability and she obvs hated that thought. it meant leaving the one one place she ever felt good at something, drama class.

obviously, after she did leave for public school, she visited the catholic school on a few separate occasions, to try and keep the connection “alive” or whatever the fuck she wrote in a fake deep status on her fb (that i now get in my fb memories every year lmao). but it all ended pretty badly, when everyone from that school stopped talking to her once high school finished. no one invited her out. or if people did try to invite her out, like a couple of people did, it always fell through…. and it made her feel like she was just a bad luck charm or whatever other low self esteem talk she was telling herself. there was quite a few moody statuses around that too lmao.

but yeah. leaving catholic school was a massive thing for me back then, because even though i hadn’t gone to church on sunday for literal Y E A R S at that point; i still had a strong pull to that school because i’d known SO MANY kids at that school from primary/elementary/grade etc school, regardless of their year group level. because if there’s one thing catholic school was good at, it was networking 😂. you knew everyone, and everyone knew you. it was safe, it was sound, so i didn’t want to leave.

but once you leave, you lose your friends and what almost felt like an extended family (although they obvs weren’t). but at the same time, i’d grown to hate the safety and almost insularity of the school, because as i mentioned earlier, you felt like you could predict how people would react or behave in class/events etc.

i felt the above distinctly, because as i’ve mentioned plenty on here, from years 7-10 i was a very emotionally demonstrative kid. in some classes (mostly religion and PE when i was bothered to participate) i’d end up in shouting matches with the teacher or other students…. or y’know just have a casual meltdown in the middle of class, which many people saw as “attention seeking” behaviour. i felt watched, i felt ready to snap, and to quote the ever present All Time Low i felt like the bridge lyrics from “therapy” (which was/is quite obviously somewhat partially about the price of fame and hollywood imo- but that went over teen me’s head at the time lmao):

“arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to, they’re better off without you (better off without you). arrogant boy, cause a scene like you’re supposed to, they’ll fall asleep without you; you’re lucky if your memory remains”

like yes. i’ll admit those bridge lyrics being applied to this time is rather overdramatic, in hindsight, but hey. that was teen me for ya lmao. and don’t even get me started on applying ATL’s song “sick little games” to this at the time as well 😂😅. anyway. from all the “lms and i’ll tell you what i like about you” trend statuses that people were doing back then on fb, i’d gained the tag of “cool/chill girl”, my crush rich boy, once called me “outrageous” because of how loud i was and how willing in years 7-9 to scream out stupid song lyrics like “i want to fuck dog in the ass” by blink 182, fight song by marilyn manson and then idek probably my humps by black eyed peas at the top my lungs through the very few halls that that school had 😂😅. i was being purposely and annoyingly offensive most of the time.

but eventually, once it came to things like one of the girls in my group wanting to run for vice school captain and the other girls in my group A L W A Y S being given leadership positions (LPs)….. while i always had to apparently “repent” my behaviour by being made (in theory from my teachers) to sit alone at lunch because of my “embarrassing” and “unseemly” behaviour at the so-called “training”/ “retreat” days we had for things like being peer support leaders for the new cohort of year 7s etc etc. i felt like everyone was just waiting for me to leave…. and that they couldn’t stand my “embarrassing” presence and that i’d ruin my friends chances of being selected as co-captain or whatever other bullshit LPs they wanted to run for. but still. i felt like i couldn’t leave. just. how do you leave a bunch of people that you’ve known for so long???

and even when my teachers were nice enough to give me a chance in a leadership position once; in that dastardly bullshit internet safety workshop thing that they should’ve literally just hired a professional workshop co. to do….. but to save money they used students in my year group instead. so, instead of being marked by my teachers on this program; i was marked by the catholic education office. they had a lady come in from the ceo to judge/mark us while presenting…… and this lady went off at teen me for “not being professional, responsible and respectful” or whatever the fuck the woman told 15/16yo me…. which teen me then fired back with “i don’t have to be fucking professional and responsible!!!! IM FUCKING 15!!!!”.. so from then on i was never given an LP or any other type of “peer support” role against my friends who were littered with offers for them. mind you, i did call a whole room of 14 year olds “a bunch of cunts” or the like and then stormed out thinking that i’d made a solid point, so the CEO woman had a good reason 😂😅….. again in hindsight.

of course there was also the bitterness of teen me being angry at the english dept for not giving her a spot in the top class of english in her half of the year. but as i’ve said previously on other posts, i’ve forgiven this because i did essentially fail one shakespeare in class assessment in year 8 or year 9 😂. but i strongly felt this during my time at catholic school bc my friends believed that i should’ve been in the top english class too lmao.

but aside from those troubles and foibles, i still found it incredibly hard to leave. to leave the perceived closeness of that group of girls, who would sometimes walk me down to the office and sit with me in “purple room” while i waited for the teacher that had to act as my therapist almost lmao. even though i always told my friends to leave me be and go back to class bc i felt bad about dragging them out of class for so long.

but yeah. with all the above behaviour, the song lyrics to me at the time made sense bc teen me just felt so pressured to fit into the whole “funny, cool, outrageous girl” bs box that people had put her in…. but at the same time she wanted to escape it bc she was just *flyleaf voice* SO SICK of being laughed at instead of laughed with (atl weightless reference here kids) just because… like she DESERVED to be taken seriously for fucks sake, and not a be a “monkey do funny dance” person… she obvs felt this the most in drama class. where in the shakespeare unit, she picked a medley of romeo and juliet and taming of the shrew monologues to do for her monologue. although she nearly did lady macbeth throwing herself off the tower, to be hella edgy…. but she opted not to do that in the end. but she picked serious pieces bc she was sick and tired of being classed as the one trick pony go-to funny person.

okay. this really went off topic. but y’all get the point??? the decision of leaving catholic school was a hell of a ride for little 14-16yo me. it was confusing, terrifying and tied up in years of being overly judged and feeling like people wanted me to leave bc they were sick of me. it was tied up in years of mid-class meltdowns that had become kind of routine for me to have, and that people were just brushing me off as “attention seeking”…. but also ironically waiting for me to snap at any second for another wild shouting match or walkout; which would then make me look like i was “unruly” or “untameable/unmanageable” or whatever the fuck….. but i couldn’t take that anymore, for the final senior years. i HAD to leave it.

again it was hard to leave for loyal little teen me, despite how lonely and isolated she felt. why leave your friends when you’re comfortable??? but also: why stay in this toxic environment where people are just waiting for you to either shut the fuck up and put up with it or just blow up and absolutely lose your shit??? that’s just unhealthy asf. and the only unruly thing that’s happening here is the complete lack of mental health help or management in the aussie education system; but most especially in religious schools.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona’s catholic school memories #ilona’s catholic school rants #sorry it’s another tl;dr in the feels post lmao

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