#MGS Integral

[pitagain]

#365DaysOfVGM Day 168:

Theme of Solid Snake/THEME OF SOLID SNAKE [Metal Gear >> Solid Snake Music Compilation of Hideo Kojima/Red Disc] (Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake [MSX], especially the Metal Gear Solid Integral version [1990/1999/1998])

The one-man army super soldier with an engaging story multiple decades in the making, deserved a character theme for the ages, and they sure as hell delivered on that area, well in advance!

The buildup, suspense, and epic payoff within each section to depict a sort of “secret decisive force” are all here, with the Red Disc version being the most different of the 3 in how it sounds more “mechanical” aside from some occasional “claps” and Piano bits. If you want MGS1’s epic psuedo-Choirs alongside a more Synth-focused MIDI, that’s what Integral is for. The original ends up sounding more “chiptune”-y because of its MSX2 origins, which makes it have its own kind of appeal too! All versions have a Bass worth mentioning, since while it simply follows the other instruments early on, it takes on its own melody for the later parts.

With that Red Disc’s album title in mind, to think that the crediting of Hideo Kojima over everyone else’s hard work started this early is kinda depressing, so let me name the composers to pay respect to them: Tsuyoshi Sekito, Masahiro Ikariko, Mutsuhiko Izumi, Yuko Kurahashi, Tomoya Tomita, Kazuhiko Uehara, and Yuji Takenouchi all made the Metal Gear 2 original happen, the fact that the Metal Gear dev teams get lots of composers cannot be understated! Yoshiyuki Ito & Hikaru Nanase made the Red Disc arrangement the next year, in a disc paying tribute to the Metal Gear 2 soundtrack as a whole with its remixes.

Kazuki Muraoka, Hiroyuki Togo, Takanari Ishiyama, Lee Jeon Myung, and Maki Kirioka are all responsible for Metal Gear Solid 1’s soundtrack, so some of them likely worked on Integral’s Solid Snake theme arrangement the following year! Some sites list “Rika Muranaka” and someone by the alias “TAPPY” as part of Integral’s music team too, but I’ve yet to confirm this. What I can confirm, is my appreciation for the teamwork involved in making each Metal Gear entry come true; it takes more than just talent and brand power to make a franchise this memorable!

(Length [Original & Integral]: 2.5+ minutes, [Red Disc]: Nearly 3 minutes)

[aishabellasbigblogofeverything]

(Tw racism, slurs) I did not know this until my friends told me, but apparently people think it's okay to say the N word because their black friend is fine with it...which is where the 'just because your black friend is okay with it doesn't mean it's okay' point cropped up. My friends were very derisive of the idea of thinking it's okay to say the N word-especially in the 'my black friend thinks it's fine' case, mentioning that the mere usage of it signifies that a person isn't safe.

That’s depressing 😭 I’d honestly cut off those friends if that were me.

[gyancareer]

gyancareer

[moss-man-sal]

Thinking about the fact that in mgs mobile even in all its low resolution glory… snake still has his panty lines

Truly integral to his design

[ashleyrowanthewriter]

Porcelain Doll HRT Observation Report

Part I - WTO Foreword

The report is based on studies and observations performed by Dr. Pierre Oupée, Dr. Kotomi Abuki and Dr. Pirkko Osliini. The team studied 25 participants who underwent therapy including Dr. Osliini.

The therapy has been approved by the World Transhumanism Association, but every licensed physician administering the treatment has to report the course of therapy of at least 50% of patients for clarity of data. The therapy is to be submitted for reapproval once reports of at least 1000 patients are collected.

Part II - Recommended Psychological Evaluation

Before undergoing the therapy it is recommended to evaluate the patients psychologically. The evaluation should take three sessions, which should be performed in intervals of 14 days. The process of evaluation prioritises informed consent and letting the patient consider their decision.

The first session is focused on discussing the desired effects with the patient. During the second session the patient is to be explained about the effects of the therapy. During the third session the patient signs the informed consent file after which they can undergo an endocrinological evaluation and get prescribed the medications.

Part III - Required Medications

All medications are available in oral and epidermal form. It is important to note that the exact dosage differs from patient to patient.

Antihomogen (0,5-2 mg/week) - Humanity removal agent. Due to the anthropomorphic nature of the therapy it is important to keep the dosage low unless cross administering multiple therapies.

Antisomatotropin (10-17 mg/week) - Somatotropin halting agent.

Contostropin (13-22 mg/week) - Shrinking hormone. Due to the rate of influence the final dose should be taken when the patient reaches the height of 5-7 cm higher than desired. Further research is advised.

Tsichirone (17,5-32 mg/week) - Porcelanising agent.

Part IV - Course of Therapy

Phase 1 (onset on week 4-8) - Somatotropin in the patient’s body stops influencing it and constopropin causes it to start shrinking.

Phase 2 (onset on week 7-14) - Tsichirone starts turning the patient’s skin into soft porcelain. The effects of constotropine become amplified causing rapid decrease in height. The patient’s hair starts falling out. It is not understood what causes this effect, but it is observed that it doesn’t affect scalp hair. Further research is required.

Phase 3 (onset on week 20-30) - Tsichirone might cause the patient’s body to spontaneously freeze for a short time. The effect first affects small parts of the body such as single fingers to later spread to entire limbs and near the onset of phase 4 even the entire body. The patient’s scalp hair stops growing. It is not understood what causes this effect. Further research is required. The patient’s body hair falls out entirely midway through this phase. Tsichirone causes the patient’s skin to become more brittle. The patient’s hearing becomes more sensitive to high sounds. It is not understood what causes this effect. Further research is required.

Phase 4 (onset on week 40-56) - The patient’s body is completely turned into soft porcelain. While the patient retains muscle control for some time, tsichirone starts causing muscle atrophy and conversion of movable soft porcelain into immovable hard porcelain.

Phase 4A (10 weeks after the onset of phase 4) - The patient has to register in a surgery clinic licensed to perform dollification surgeries.

Phase 5 (onset on week 55-70) - Tsichirone causes complete conversion of soft porcelain into hard porcelain and complete muscle atrophy. The patient loses control over their body. Dollification surgeries become possible. The medication process is deemed completed.

Part V - Course of Surgeries

All the surgeries become possible after the patient reaches phase 5 of therapy. 

Articuplasty involves cutting the patient’s body and shaping new joints out of kintsugine. The joints become integrated with the patient's body after two to three weeks of auxiliary tsichirone therapy after which the patient is to undergo physical rehabilitation. Articuplasty is to be performed on shoulder joints, elbows, wrists, finger joints, hips, knees and ankles. If the patient expresses such desire, articuplasty can also be performed on toe joints, neck and some regions of the torso. The patients are able to use their joints despite muscle atrophy.

Voice box transplantation is not necessary for transition, but if the patient wishes not to undergo it, it is advised they learn sign language. The surgery involves cutting a hole in the body region chosen by the patient, inserting an artificial voice box and sealing the hole using kintsugine. The seal gets healed after one to two weeks of auxiliary tsichirone therapy. Although the voice box can be transplanted to any part of the body that is big enough to store it, it is highly recommended to transplant it into the neck or the torso.

Some patients express a desire for their post-transition forms to possess winding keys. In such cases it is possible for them to undergo winding key transplantation. The transplantation consists of drilling a hole in the patient’s body, constructing a key rail out of kintsugine, inserting the key and sealing the rail. The key becomes integrated into the patient’s body after two to three weeks of auxiliary tsichirone therapy, during which it is absolutely necessary not to touch the key. Touching the key during the auxiliary therapy may result in damage which may render the key unusable or require repeating the surgery. Winding the key seems to have no effect on the patient's physical state. It is however understood to cause feelings of relaxation. Further research is required.

Some patients express a desire for their post-transition forms to possess movable eyelids. In such cases it is possible for them to undergo palpebraplasty. The surgery involves cutting the eyelid rails into the patient’s eye sockets and shaping the eyelids out of kintsugine. The eyelids become integrated with the patient’s body after four to eight days of auxiliary tsichirone therapy. To ensure proper shape of the eyelids they are to be shaped in the closed position.

Part VI - Reversibility

The effects of the therapy are currently understood to be irreversible once the patient’s body enters phase 4 of the transition process. Further research is required.

Part VII - Contraindications

The therapy is not to be administered to patients with calcium deficiency until the deficiency is treated.

To prevent damage to the organism the therapy is not to be administered to patients with brittle bone disease.

Patients with any health conditions causing muscle atrophy are to be thoroughly observed by their physician.

The physician has the right to alter or completely halt therapy if it poses danger to the patient’s life.

Part VIII - WTO Approval

The World Transhumanism Organisation approved the therapy on August 2nd 20XX.

*************

Sorry, but I like the otherkin HRT genre too much. And while it will feel weird to self-insert myself into such a story as a receiver (because it seems my disability prevents me from gender HRT IRL), I thought I could write some lore bits to contribute to the community. It might not even be the only report I decide to write.

Of course, feel free to base your own story on that report. I'd be excited to read it!

[clonerightsagenda]

How's Uglies holding up to modern rereading for you? I loved it as a kid, but nowadays I see it as an early entry in the YA dystopia boom that other books took formula notes from and refined down the line, making it feel a fair bit clumsier by comparison. Very fond memories, though, and I appreciate seeing the toxic yuri on my dash now that I'm old enough to appreciate it, lol.

It's holding up pretty well for me! I'll be honest - while I read The Hunger Games and Unwind, I never read Divergent or The Maze Runner, so I'm not entirely versed in the YA dystopia boom. I'm aware of the cultural construction of it though - world's specialest teen girl is the only one who can topple the government and lead a revolution. I'm not even sure how many of the actual series align with that stereotype (imo The Hunger Games is deliberately interrogating it) but anyway, some thoughts re: Uglies' position vis a vis dystopia stereotypes and just in general:

The love triangle is annoying, no arguments there, but it also ends more messily than I think the stereotype typically conveys. She 'chooses' one of them and then he dies as a direct result of her behavior, and she's not with-with the other at the end of the main series (and in the sequel series they've gone their separate ways).

Also, Tally is frequently a pretty unlikable person, which is a bold choice! She is not motivated by any pure intentions at the beginning - she's betraying a friend for her own gain - and throughout the series we see her wrecking that friendship over and over because, as Shay accuses her, she thinks she's the center of the universe. Shay hits every big milestone before Tally - Smoky, Pretty, Special - and it almost feels like prodding the limits of a close third POV, reminding us that there's isn't one single world's specialist teen girl. In the stereotypical version, Shay would be the scrappy rebel hero. Tally always needs pushes, and she's always screwing it up.

While it's obviously written for younger readers, the writing is effective. Like I said, Scott challenges himself to write the same POV three times with different levels of brain damage and pulls it off. He integrates made up slang in a way that doesn't feel too distracting (I really enjoy the way the princess sections in Pretties are written). In classic Scott fashion he brings back key ideas and phrases to hit you hard when it counts (informed consent, a special circumstance), and of course the whole final word of each book forming a circle is a fun little bonus. I'm glad this was written before the modern codifying of YA when it would be in first person.

The moral is obvious yeah but it's MG/YA and also props to Scott for predicting influencers in Extras. You also get the protagonist semi-aligning themselves with the antagonists' ideology at the end which is interesting, even if it again fits into a Western environmentalist assumption that humans can't live in peace with nature.

And finally, despite not being sporty at all, I still want a hoverboard.

[gwen-tolios]

10 Ace Books For Ace Week

As an ace author and reader, I'm all for more examples of rep to read and authors to support. Below are just a few of my favs, but I have a larger list here: Gwen's Ace Book Recs and you're always welcome to hit me up for recs!

----

1) The Lady's Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzi Lee. Felicity is aro/ace and I love how up in your face her aceness is. A true integral part of the character. You know right away she'd rather pursue science than marriage & then whoops! She's tangled with pirates. While it's the second in a series, they're world series so there's no need to read book 1 to understand this one. (I think this one is better anyway.) https://bookshop.org/books/the-lady-s-guide-to-petticoats-and-piracy/9780062795335

2) Common Bonds. While actually an anthology with an aro focus, there's also ace rep and I love how varied this collection is. So many aro and ace stories all bundled up neatly is still such a dream. https://bookshop.org/books/common-bonds-a-speculative-aromantic-anthology/9781775312970

3) Making Love by Aidan Wayne. Thinking about this, it might be the first book I've read where the ace character wasn't also aro. It's about an ace cupid trying to help someone find love, and missing a fair amount of cues. It's a fluff dream. https://www.amazon.com/Making-Love-Aidan-Wayne-ebook/dp/B01MRA15MR

4) Returning to You by Gwen Tolios. A friends-to-lovers romance between two women, both of whom are bi, where one is ace and one is aro. Be prepared for a fair amount of family drama from both sides (including fake dating!) https://www.amazon.com/Returning-You-Gwen-Tolios-ebook/dp/B0B4FDYNP6/

5) How to Be Ace by Rebeca Burgess. Memoir graphic novel full of experiences that I could relate to that's good to share with local aces or allos. My local ace community has 100% passed around a copy of this. https://bookshop.org/a/55449/9781787752153

6) Tarnished are the Stars by Rossie Thor. This book got a lot of support from the ace community, it's own voices and has quite a bit of queer rep. If you like steampunk, but want it in space, this is for you. https://bookshop.org/books/tarnished-are-the-stars/9781338312270

7) Hazel's Theory of Evolution by Lisa Jenn Bigelow. Aro/ace MC, but it's so casually queer w/ other identities and disabled rep. I love it. Noteworthy for being an MG read. I'm so glad to see ace rep hitting middle schoolers. https://bookshop.org/books/hazel-s-theory-of-evolution/9780062791177

8) Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire. This is the first time I saw 'asexual' in a book, and for that it will always be dear to me. This launches a great series about children who have returned from portal-fantasy adventures and the trade versions all have amazing illustrations. https://bookshop.org/a/55449/9780765385505

9) Simply an Enigma by Brittany Evans and Chelsea Lauren. I'll admit I have a love-hate relationship with this book, but it's such an accurate portrayal of the journey to identifying as ace it has a permanent place on my shelf. https://bookshop.org/a/55449/9781732464315

10) Three Stupid Weddings by Ann G. Cute, short romance about bringing a friend to weddings as your date and oh! You're now a couple by summer's end. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41070264-three-stupid-weddings

[menshealthplus]

Sennasi Pure Organic Shilajit Resin: The Power of the Himalayas in a Bottle

Imagine tapping into the ancient wisdom of Ayurvedic tradition and boosting your overall wellness with a single product. That’s exactly what Sennasi Pure Organic Shilajit Resin offers. Harvested from the pristine Himalayan Gilgit-Baltistan Mountains at an altitude of 18,001 feet, this golden-grade Shilajit is loaded with over 85 essential minerals and fulvic acid. If you’re seeking a natural way to support your energy, immune system, digestion, and overall health, Sennasi Shilajit Resin is the ultimate solution.

What is Sennasi Shilajit Resin?

Sennasi Shilajit Resin is a 100% pure and organic substance collected directly from the high-altitude Himalayan Gilgit-Baltistan Mountains. Known for its rich mineral content and powerful health benefits, Shilajit has been used for centuries in Ayurvedic medicine. This resin contains fulvic acid, which improves mineral absorption, making it a highly effective supplement for boosting energy, enhancing immune function, and promoting overall well-being.

Why Choose Sennasi Shilajit Resin?

1. Gold-Grade Quality

Unlike many lower-grade Shilajit products, Sennasi offers the gold standard of purity and potency. Each serving provides 600 mg of pure Shilajit resin, ensuring you get the highest quality possible.

2. Loaded with Essential Minerals

Packed with 85+ trace minerals, including iron, calcium, magnesium, and zinc, this Shilajit resin replenishes essential nutrients that your body needs for optimal health.

3. Promotes Energy and Well-Being

Feeling tired or run down? Sennasi Shilajit resin helps to naturally boost your energy levels, reduce fatigue, and enhance your overall vitality, making it a great pick-me-up for anyone who wants to feel more vibrant throughout the day.

Benefits of Sennasi Shilajit Resin

1. Boosts Immune Function

The minerals and fulvic acid in Shilajit help to support your immune system, making you more resilient to illnesses and infections.

2. Improves Digestion

By enhancing nutrient absorption, Shilajit can help improve digestion and ensure your body is getting the maximum benefit from the food you eat.

3. Enhances Energy Levels

Shilajit is known for its ability to fight fatigue and boost energy. Whether you're dealing with a busy lifestyle or simply need more stamina, this resin can help you power through your day.

4. Supports Overall Wellness

Shilajit’s wide range of minerals and nutrients support various aspects of your health, from improving mental clarity to promoting better sleep.

How to Use Sennasi Shilajit Resin

Using Sennasi Shilajit Resin is incredibly simple. Just dissolve a pea-sized amount of the resin in warm water or your favorite drink. Stir it well, and enjoy the surge of wellness it brings. You can take it daily to experience its full benefits over time.

Why Sennasi Stands Out

1. Maximum Potency in Every Serving

Each serving of Sennasi Shilajit Resin provides 600 mg of pure resin, offering you the strongest and most effective dose possible. This is far superior to the lower-grade or diluted forms of Shilajit available on the market.

2. Preserved Freshness and Quality

Sennasi Shilajit comes in a 30g bottle that is double-sealed and protected from light, ensuring the resin remains fresh and potent for as long as possible.

3. No Fillers, Additives, or Hidden Ingredients

You can trust that Sennasi Shilajit is 100% pure and free from any unwanted chemicals or additives. It’s extracted using a non-chemical process, preserving the integrity and potency of the Shilajit resin.

4. Premium Packaging with Measuring Sticks

Each bottle comes with easy-to-use measuring sticks, so you can accurately portion your daily serving and get the most out of each dose.

Real-World Use and Benefits

Sennasi Shilajit Resin is perfect for:

Athletes seeking natural ways to boost their stamina and energy.

Busy professionals looking for a mental and physical pick-me-up.

Health-conscious individuals wanting to support their immune system, digestion, and overall well-being.

Anyone interested in incorporating ancient Ayurvedic practices into their modern lifestyle.

Pros and Cons of Sennasi Shilajit Resin

Pros

Gold-grade purity for maximum effectiveness

Contains over 85 trace minerals

Supports energy levels, immune health, and digestion

Convenient and easy to use with measuring sticks

Free from chemicals, additives, and fillers

Comes in a light-protected, double-sealed bottle

Cons

Slightly higher price compared to lower-grade Shilajit products (but the quality is worth it)

Some users may need time to adjust to the taste

Ready to enhance your overall wellness with the power of pure Shilajit? Don’t settle for less—choose Sennasi Pure Organic Shilajit Resin, freshly harvested from the Himalayan Gilgit-Baltistan Mountains. With its gold-grade purity and potent blend of 85+ essential minerals, this is the natural solution you've been waiting for. Add it to your wellness routine today and experience the difference!

[libertineangel]

Obviously I despise bloatware, poor optimisation and the ever-increasing demands placed on computer hardware but that one post saying "everything should be tested on a laptop with 2GB RAM and integrated graphics" is a bit much, like that spec would've been pretty naff 20 years ago and I don't think it's a bad thing that games look better than Morrowind now

Games were beautiful enough ten years ago, with Assassin's Creed Unity and MGS Ground Zeroes - one of which ran perfectly on my 2012 mid-range gaming laptop and one of which ran like shit - and I think that's a fair point in time to switch focus to optimising, but the setup the original post described would be like trying to run DOOM on a BBC Micro

[deltaruiner]

Hey so i know this is months late but. i just rewatched the Walpurgis no Kaiten trailer/teaser, and i remembered there is speculation on who the unidentified new girl with a bow is.

And i just realised, that there is a very good chance it may be Madoka (in a sense), despite how different they look, and the integration of many of Homura's elements, AND that their costumes don't match.

Hear me out- first off, we already saw that they redesigned many things, including the mg outfits, and including madoka's new "lock" outfit in the end of the second trailer version.

My theory is that, because of how the new world is influenced by Homura (and how, at the end of the day, her influence comes from untilizing Madoka's godly power which she sealed), the character we are actually looking at is a very heavily "Homurized" avatar of the Law of the Cycles, which was shown to be distinct from Madoka when she split them off.

The idea i have is that the design is changed because the law of the cycles is now controlled by Homura (symbolised by the black instead of pink bow, us never seeing faces/emotion from the character, and less vibrant colouring because it doesn't have Madoka's personality inside so not much pink just whites blacks and blondes) She even dances to red ribbons in a ballet-like fashion, which gives me the vibe from ballerina Madoka from the concept movie, which is very good as a symbol of meticulous control, the kind of control homura must employ to look so tired at the final frames, and similarly a ballerina/madoka must employ to dance with such grace.

Another thing is, at the end of the red ribbon sequence, the character grabs on hard at the ribbons around her. She in a later scene jumps off a roof and gets swallowed up.

My thought is that the new movie will have a large plot about Madoka's powers rebelling and scattering, which may have some extreme consequences.

Maybe consequences such as scattering the souls and grief she controls together across the time she controls in the universe.

Maybe as a particularly large Witch.

[hesitationss]

genuinely, how is taylor swift so heavily integrated into book communities. like i guess listening to taylor and being bookish was in the same manner of being a halsey-pvris-1984/matthealy and maggie steifvater john green and other YA/MG book fan, but t swift is specifically so inescapable. her music has evolved from generic pop into generic mishmash soft acoustic covers that the most annoying girl you know from highschool sings like. it's so annoying wanting to read more fiction - particularly fantasy, and every space you look both online and irl is taylor swift 😭

[spoonietimelordy]

Murray Gold: nah I'm done with doctor who, I'm good, I'm moving on.

Rusty: what if I make your music be a character of its own?

MG: 👀

Rusty: what if your music being an entity of its own is integral to the plot of the entire season?

MG: okay, deal, but I want a cameo

Rusty: deal!

[evilpenguinrika]

wait what about a Hosie/9-1-1 (tho i realize maybe just general procedural dramas lol) AU where Super Squad (+maybe some other mentions form TO? idk I only watched TO and LGCS lol) works at a fire station together and they got news that they're getting two new paramedics joining them and it's Josie and Lizzie

and Hope, who's a Lieutenant, is like 👀 but also like 😒 because she's kinda famous? Like her family are pretty involved in the firefighting/paramedic/EMT scene (idk if there's a proper term I apologize) and a lot of rookies and probies want to join the station where Hope works bc hey, the entire Mikaelson legacy is there and they're legends, so Hope's on guard making sure that she keeps her distance cuz who knows--she's encountered one too many fans seeking her out because of her name and not because they wanna get to know her

anyways so Josie and Lizzie are the new paramedics for the fire station and they just moved to the city and are from Mystic Falls idk sure

Maya's like "hey, cute brunette three o'clock."

and Hope's like "don't go after the newbies" but like she does clock in Josie and is like 👀 anyway

Josie and Lizzie are new so like, maybe they don't know anything about the Mikaelson family. but anyway the twins integrate well with the rest of the fire family at the station but Hope's still keeping her distance and keeping an eye on them. Lizzie thinks Hope's too pretentious but Josie's intrigued and also 👀

Maya being Maya hits on Josie a few times. it's very light hearted and Josie flirts back cuz like it's fun it's whatever but Hope gets a little annoyed and is all

"we're here to work and save lives not hook up in the storage closet"

Josie continues to be very intrigued with Hope after that

then they get a really big call. huge car accident on a high way, multiple injured. Hope focuses on her work but watches in awe as Josie does her. She's an incredible paramedic. Very thorough with what she does and efficient, but also so warm and kindhearted toward the people she's saving. There's an air about her that captures Hope's attention.

Since then Hope's been paying very close attention to paramedic Josie Saltzman. and unbeknownst to our Lieutenants, Josie's been paying very close attention to Lieutenant Hope Mikaelson.

Anyway bla bla bla things happen, more working together on scene, hanging out with the crew after work, bla bla bla, and Hope and Josie become really fast friends but also there's like this weird unspoken tension between the two that Lizzie and Maya both keep poking and prodding and teasing them about (oh, also, Lizzie ends up getting together with both paramedic MG and firefighter Ethan bc I want my Mizzethan throuple gosh darn it)

Probably a slowburn.

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Gremlin update May 24th 2024

4:00 am

Slept 10 ish till a little past 2 this time.

I'm thinking it has been long enough since the whole "well now when I take magnesium my heart suddenly starts to feel bad and weak" problem, which was long enough after the "If I don't take 500 mg of magnesium with any meal containing -any- amount of calcium [more than half an apples worth] I get crushing chest pain and my heat skips beats" problem... That I think I can start taking small amounts of magnesium here and there again, which has been shown to reduce anxiety and help with sleep. Personally I have to be careful because it can lower your blood pressure, but also I have been having some muscle tension problems and it would help with that.

I think where the sleep experiment is going to leave off will be being integrated with this journals eventually because there won't be anything more elaborate to say than "10-2 ish and I will bite anyone I have to speak to." But it is still my hope that as i manage my thyroid and other health problems I might scrape a bit of extra sleep out of the day but still get to maintain some of the feeling alert that is causing the current insomnia.

The internet has been having me feel some kind of way lately, specifically trying to socialize on the internet, and I am both not sure I should be super open about it, but also not sure it would be responsible not to bring it up, since I think it's something we all maybe have some experience with. It has certainly been impacting me on a personal level and more than I thought it would. I wasn't prepared for it to leave me feeling like everything is so bleak, and I think it is worth discussing, but since this account is my main social contact with pretty much everyone I know, I don't want the potential for drama. I'm not sure being vague will be being vague enough.

Also one of my friends recently got hacked, they completely dropped off and I was really worried something happened to them and I had no idea what to do about it, and that was very stressful, but they're back now.

And as usual skip to the next ~*~ if you don't want to read this next part about an ex of mine...

Also having thoughts and feelings about my first "marriage" [we would have been considered common-law]... All this time I had kind of been stuck on how I was framing it in my mind, and not really reprocessing any of it at all, stuck on how I was framing him in my mind... And -even though I knew I did the right thing by leaving- I kept wondering if I could have been kinder in various ways or put in more effort to be emotionally attentive, or wondering if maybe I said something too harsh due to some misunderstanding or, or just whatever the fuck... But no. Even just talking/posting about that relationship in the framing of just the -sleep- problems I was having at the time and the way he basically -very sweetly and politely- tried to pretend I didn't exist in my own apartment while I was supporting him full time? The impression his family and our friends seem to have been left with about me on his behalf? Even, even and especially the way he quite suddenly completely ghosted me after finding out I had moved in with Fine and GB [who he went to highschool make-up school with]...

And perhaps the most damning; The recurrent infections I kept getting that doctors kept trying to insist would only be expected if I or my partner was sleeping around. See I kept getting bladder infections, severe ones, in a way I didn't before he moved to town to stay with me, and -eventually- yes it devolved into having a weird delayed but excessive reaction to any and all bacteria+, such that I can't share a toilet with anyone anymore without getting constant yeast infections... But it started off as repeated infection with something the doctors at the clinic thought was suspicious to have be recurrent like that, and they kept suspecting chlamydia Or gonorrhea because -for those of you who don't know- those are the bacteria that are normally behind aggressive bladder infections, they kept testing me for that specific immune response and coming up empty, but I don't have normal immune responses to a bunch of bacteria -at least by now- so I am prone to false negatives from blood-work, but they kept putting me on antibiotics, increasingly aggressive courses of antibiotics [some of which I was allergic to], and still I kept being re-infected, sometimes immediately enough they just weren't sure if the bacteria was resistant, but sometimes it would be a number of months in between. It became really obvious that the pattern was when I had sex with my partner it would start again. At first I suspected it was all the latex allergy and we switched condoms, but that didn't solve it. So I went over washing properly with my 'husband' and had him put on the same course of antibiotics as me a few times [I mean when he had health problems i had to make him go to a doctor about it every time], and STILL the infection kept coming back any time we had sex...

Something I learned about Fine years later when I lived with her was her proud admission she never gets tested for STIs and never bothers using protection no matter who she's sleeping with, or getting her partners tested because "he seems 'clean' :)" and "Well I am pretty sure I'm infertile anyway because I never get pregnant :)" .... Like bitch, most cases of chlamydia are asymptomatic except that in women it eventually causes you to be infertile. And like, yeah, as a good friend I gently pointed this out to her and urged her to get tested, and yeah, she ignored me and got really offended...

But my husband constantly picking up yeast infection and even potentially chlamydia from her way back then would have explained the repeated re-infection with something that kept spreading to my bladder and causing kidney symptoms, and only stopped when I stopped fucking him ever, despite that we had both been repeatedly on aggressive courses of antibiotics [or were supposed to be, it's possible that in most instances he never bothered going to the clinic properly or taking his full course I can't say I was home and cogent enough that I could tell you for sure.] Like yes, He could have also picked up enough of those bacteria from using public toilets to transfer them to me and infect me because of my lowered/delayed immunity, I get yeast infections any time I try to share a toilet now [hence me having to ask partners not to use public toilets if they want to fuck me], after so many bladder infections it caused nerve damage, and they can become bladder infections if left untreated, but all the ones I get now -now that I never fuck anyone-can be treated with diet and maybe a bit of cream at home [and I haven't had one since having my own apartment], and the ones I kept getting from him were in my bladder instantly and super aggressive with horrible torturous burning, the likes of which I haven't experienced since. Like 'sit in a tub of warm water and cry all day in pain that nothing can help with' kind of torture. And then being expected to work all day on no sleep at a call center where they won't let you take breaks to pee, for 10 hours, only to come home to no chores having been done and to have to cook dinner...

Looking back, taking into consideration the way he's still ghosting me -as of 5ish years ago- even when I send him a message saying that I have something I need to ask him about that's important, the way he immediately stopped responding to anything the moment I said I had a question about GB or Fine because I had reconnected with them... With all the power of hindsight from over 10 years later:

a) I am pretty fucking certain it is a *strong possibility* he was cheating on me with Fine and prioritized not facing me about it over my safety, both back then and when he ghosted me instead of answering mys questions about these people I had just moved in with or was going to move in with and who were trying to get close to me, and if that's the case it would turn everything I though I knew on it's head. It would also explain Fine's behaviour towards me entirely.

b) That would also mean everyone -including Tictacs- has willfully lied to me about it and hide it to varying degrees since, even while claiming to be my friends and trying to get close to me [which frankly tracks with the rest of their behaviour]. She's been friends with Fine and GB since childhood, I highly fucking doubt she never met Bunny or had Fine tell her anything.

c) It would mean that they all also willfully lied to me about anything they'd heard about me through him before I -by pure chance- became part of their social circle

d) And that him taking advantage of me was WAY more conscious and intentional that I had been giving him credit for and the ONLY reason I didn't see it sooner was because I too was taken in by him being so generally sweet and shy.

Like I know my memory can be a bit shit but I also know I probably have receipts saved somewhere, because I have a vague recollection of this having come up before, and when people say sus things to me I tend to screencap and save them. At some point I will figure out who was willfully lying to me to what extent. I'm going to start comparing their stories, and anyway I call bullshit on the entire situation and all four of them. And I am done wondering if -I- somehow could have held their hands a little more, either way, because I shouldn't have to handhold my peers constantly to keep them from being negligent, toxic or abusive.

And at the time and for years after I had never really considered it a possibility. He just didn't seem like the type to cheat, and even less so like the type to cheat and then lie about it, and I have always resisted jumping to that conclusion because anyone I know who has is usually so deeply insecure they suspect it of everyone all the time and it makes them kind of a toxic or outright abusive nightmare, or they themselves are prone to cheating and do it often, and that's why they are so eager to believe their partner is doing it too. I just never wanted to start being someone who immediately suspects cheating and gets weird about it the moment the relationship isn't perfect. And besides that, it's one of those things I acknowledge -abstractly- that people do, but it isn't something that occurs to me regularly as a possibility, or something to actually do, you know? And then I find out my partner was cheating on ME and they use the justification "Well you cheated first >:(" when like... WHEN? Bruh I haven't left your house, -I know- I haven't, but how do you even suspect I could have had the opportunity? Like HOW? My bedroom is next to yours and I am pretty sure you'd notice me fucking someone in your basement or living area??? I don't go out?? If you thought I was cheating why was your solution to risk my life by cheating on me in secret instead of just breaking up with me or even asking me about it????. Fucking bullshit excuse that is, just to try to save face or try to play the victim because they fucking know I'm Poly and that if I wanted to sleep with someone else I'd just ask and ask if they want to join??? I call bullshit on that entire grift because no reasonable person with functioning senses would see that as thing I was like -logistically- capable of pulling off, but anyway...

If ANYTHING explains him having been so shut down and despondent, in a way that always read to me as 'guilty', this would be it. I had always written it off as him just being used to abusive parents and feeling like there was something wrong with himself as a kind of resting state, and I always tried to be gentle about it, but I guess this would also explain why that never helped. Why maybe the more compassionate and helpful I was the worse he felt?

And especially the way he's shut down during conversations about sexual health or rape culture and informed consent, or even about sexuality or questions about his or mine, or how some viruses are really dangerous to me and how I was slowly discovering more deeply concerning signs that they could be outright fatal to someone with my genetic disposition.

I am pretty fucking certain GB lied to me about how and when he had met me before. It was the weirdest most innocuous statement that did it too. Both times he had mentioned always having wanted to cut his hair short and dye it sky blue, but how that would read too 'anime' to commit to in public, and how he had/would maybe dye his hair black for a while... Those are the kinds of details I remember about people even when their face and name escapes me. He also lied when I asked him about his sexual health history and I asked him if he had shared mouth germs, like eating off the same plate, etc... with anyone within the past 3 months before I shelled out money for us to get the blood test for herpes 1&2 in addition to the other testing [because if I get cold sores it could kill me, due to an inadequate immune response to herpes family viruses] He insisted up and down that was something he didn't do, and hadn't done. But the MOMENT Fine came back from the states and started hanging out with us, she started talking about times when they had shared cakes at restaurants and shit before she left, which apparently was less than 3 months before I got there. I told him my life was on the line if we missed something and he lied to me about that and about the callouses on his hands potentially being HPV [warts he kept chewing on until they just looked like callouses from chewing]. And TBH the MOMENT I realized that I should have dropped all their asses and avoided them like the plague, but I was really stressed out at the time and had a memory lapse about it, and by the time I remembered again it was too late.

These are all things where like, an outside perspective from an offline bestie sharing about my life on a regular basis would have been helpful, because when I started to get stressed and have memory lapses about it, they could remind me of this shit before i went and trusted those fuckers with anything. They could have told me it seemed like my "husband" was cheating on me, and we would have had enough rapport that I could have taken someone seriously about that.

Honestly, if any one of these people who were my partners or friends had acted like they actually cared whether I lived or died, I wouldn't be in any of these messes. But what they prioritized over my safety every time was avoiding anything socially awkward and getting their dicks wet.

Whatever.

It's just infuriating because I thin... I thought- of that relationship as like my one lasting adult relationship where my partner wasn't raping me [violations of informed consent]... But like, again, informed consent is INFORMED, and lying to me about sexual health or sleeping around then not telling me and then fucking me anyway... That's all a complete violation of informed consent. Anyway all these fuckers owe me years of life and thousands of dollars, and also fuck them.

I wish I could know for sure but up until I deleted my public facebook, he wouldn't respond to me.

And that also has me feeling some kind of way.

I keep conducting myself as earnestly as I can and approaching relationships in good faith, with family, friends and partners, and they are all intent on manipulating, lying to me, abusing me, trying to guilt-trip and emotionally manipulate me, refuse to let me hav boundaries, to the point where my patience just isn't enough. And it isn't like me "being distrustful" is somehow an excuse because I never was. While I was IN those relationships I trusted them and kept accidentally repressing the memory of anything that would hint to me that I shouldn't, otherwise I would have broken it off and left sooner. The moment the balance tipped and I started remembering all the bullshit they had done, I broke up with them, in every instance. I don't play these petty fuckign games, if I want something other than the relationship, I just break it off. I am very simple that way.

And I would just really appreciate closure about it all so I can correctly modulate how I am reading people to be more accurate and help protect myself from being taken advantage of the same way again, because I'm autistic and that's a struggle for me, but no one involved will even do me that basic fucking human decency, IG.

I'm a little concerned that this is what has had Bean fishing in the memory soup for something and I am afraid of what comes out.

~*~

Anyway I have been watching through x-files. Slowly. The... This show is the kind of old show that spawned our current over adjustment in media where everything is now hard hitting plot being fired at you a mile per minute... There's so much filler in the x-files sometimes you aren't even sure the big plots are still even happening or if the show runners have decided to drop it. Watching it with a bunch of really modern shows is so weird. Like there was a good middle ground at some point and the x-files aren't it any more than the mew x-men series is, but in opposite directions. Like old TV really used to go for slow -drawn out- drama and the x-files really are it.

Before my last sleep, during my last half day, whatever, while feeling some kind of way about social things and whatnot, I did some aggro cleaning and organizing. I highly recommend this, using irritation and lack of satisfaction with anything you could possibly be doing to just go clean or organize something you have been putting off. You're going to feel miserable at the moment no matter what you are doing, but at least when you are done you have done/made something nice for yourself instead of just stewing... So now the clutter that had built up on my bathroom desk and sink have been tidied up.

Slowly I am moving things around closer and closer to their final-ish resting positions and tidying up around that. This year for sure, but I keep wanting to get some swell of high energy to get it all done now. This probably isn't going to happen and wouldn't be sustainable or advisable, physically, but like... Want.

I just want a 100% stress-free environment for like the first time in my adult life like holy fuck...

~*~

May 26th

9:20 pm

It's my bedtime soon. Still having a problem with how long it takes me to get running in the morning, and that not leaving ANY time left to be productive on a split sleep schedule.

Like it's 9:20 and I still haven't eaten. I pushed myself this half-day and sewed my pj pants shut again, moved the thread rack 2 inches up the wall, cleaned out 3 little bags I had in storage, and fucked around with a couple details, did some laundry and dishes on the morning shift or today... But like... I did not get through any more totes and if I want to get prepared to go across town for my health card i have to do it when I wake up.

~*~

May 27th

7:50 pm

I slept late, Idk, I slept at some point for some length, I'm tired, but mostly the point is I didn't make it out to renew my health card, but I HAVE now booked an appointment for tomorrow morning. T~T

I should have enough ID even though technically as a disabled person I legally can't acquire what they are asking for the moment both my health card and photo id expire at the same time... Which they always do, in part because I can't get a credit card.

Either way I deal with that tomorrow at about 9am...

Until then I am trying to do things like make myself eat and make myself keep re-organizing bins and stuff.

Emotionally I just want to start screaming and never stop.

~*~

May 31st

3:00 pm

EUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-okay, I went out and got my health card renewed. They didn't raise a fuss about what technically counts as proof of identity and both my IDs being expired.

Now I can contact doctor's offices again when I am ready. It's going to be a bitch of a thing that I start on Monday... T~T

I also destroyed my ankle and my hip joints a little and picked up cat treats from the dollar store, the freeze dried organ meats i sprinkle on his food to get him to actually eat it all. I even found they have a bag of pre-ground beef liver, being sold as meal topper, that's just beef liver, that you get almost 2X the weight in for the same price. The package quite hilariously and pretentiously goes on about the science behind their product when like... It's beef liver. It works because it's pure beef liver. You used a very established technology to dry it. Babes... There is no need for pretense here, I am buying a bag of liver dust... On purpose.

Today I also tried checking my email for the CHOB renewal, entirely convinced it wouldn't be there and I'd have to call, but it was there, and I filled it out and submitted it. Now so long as it goes through I should be good.

I got my bills paid, my rent, my garbage and recycling out etc... Because payday, bills day and garbage and recycling all fell on the same day, so I get to feel like I have been super productive by doing basic maintenance and I am taking the win.

I just need to order alcohol still because I don't currently have a mouthwash substitute at all, let alone one better than whisky.

So, so I made one last ditch effort to get some answers and maybe recover my passport, yeah? Because Bunny's dad had it last and I am sick of having valid ID constantly being more than a struggle than it -has- to be, and I don't want to renew it, and bitch I want answers, really, and I messaged my ex husband on facebook from a secret account I used for local necessity, because it was like, the only one I have.

So I didn't expect him to answer, but he did on account of me saying it was important and that we shared a few 'friends'.

So we actually had a conversation... Were the dreams I had about talking to him predictive? Or a self fulfilling prophesy? Whomst the fuck knows!

And he's going to actually look around for my passport instead of just asking his dad to remember past multiple brain injuries.

And he let me ask him questions about what the fuck was going on with him back then. And -for the most part- I have to assume he doesn't have a reason to lie to me. And *most* of me believes him, so there's something adjacent to closure here. If I can believe him when I fully process it all.

He doesn't remember if GB was the guy at timmies, so I don't know if he could have saved me any trouble by responding to me, because they broke off contact around a year after he moved away, and that part was true enough. I mean, I think GB still had all his info, and I didn't and he still could have reached out to him on my behalf and chose not to, but that's on GB, that's his dishonesty.

He mostly hung out with them strictly at school and not outside of it, so that's something I wasn't home from work enough to get an impression of, but it makes more sense of the idea of him never having interacted with Tictacs.

He says him and Fine were just school friends and he never cheated on me with anyone. Even with all the bullshit men have pulled I don't think he would lie to me directly like that. If her behaviour towards me has to do with him, it's probably one-sided on her part.

We then proceeded to have the most frustrating exchange possible over what the fuck was up with him at the time, because he just shut down on me and stopped acting like he even wanted to interact with me as a person at all at some point and lost all interest in sex... And when asked about it he tells me it's because he got the firm impression I was asking him to seek intimacy from me explicitly so I could reject him???? And the only explanation he could give me for what gave him that idea was to confirm what I already suspected and say he internalizes everything, is used to abuse and then say horrible stuff about himself and site outside factors that were knocking him off balance... He did not give me one bit of feedback about my own behaviour or anything I said that had anything to do with why he thought he suddenly couldn't come to me about anything or why he thought I didn't want him.

And yeah, he says that it was mostly his fault, and that him letting everyone act like I should be working full time and doing all the cooking and cleaning while he doesn't do anything, while not speaking up about it, leaving me to try to defend myself with no word of defense from him was not a cool thing to do to me...

But like... We got together in the first place in part because we both understood what it was like to have parents who treated us as being wrong for existing and as deserving punishments for having basic needs. That was explicitly why I told him he could come live with me and worry about finding a job or finishing school once he was with me and out of that place. And I spent every moment with him trying to gently pry and gently get him to talk to me and unpack whatever was bothering him. And he responded by suddenly acting like I was some kind of threat he couldn't speak to or be honest with.

And it's like... yeah I GET IT because, listen I was in the same position and have been ever since. Everyone I have ever known with very few exceptions has been horrible to me, to the point I should expect everyone to default to being horrible to me and annoyed at me for having to exist, even in my own living space. I was actually diagnosed with depression and anxiety and under treatment... But what I didn't do was treat him like he was part of a pattern instead of an individual person.

And that wasn't the rapport we had established! We were friend since I was still in school, and we had been having a long distance relationship ever since, where we would talk on the phone every night, and every 6 months he'd come to me and I'd get to see him again [and I used to jokingly called him Persephone because of that...]. But then the moment he moved in he just slid into treating me like the enemy, but then still being 'willing' to have sex...

And what I was trying to get him to understand was that I wanted him to interact with me like a person again instead of just using sex as a substitute to keep me happy. And for a long time he acted super reluctant about sex even though he kept saying he was enthusiastic about it, he blamed asthma, he blamed allergies, he blamed 'stuff' but he never actually opened up about what the issue was. I has the distinct impression that since moving in with me his attraction to me had just died a terrible death... And when I finally asked to step back from sex, I had the firm impression he might be asexual and just putting himself up to it to try to keep me happy. Even at the rate I will naturally seek sex from someone in a relationship [variable depending on the level of other engagement], I cannot tell you how much it kills the mood beyond even that when the person doesn't actually -act- enthusiastic about sex, and otherwise just acts like they want to tune me out all the time. I was -without the modern language for it- trying to get him to understand that I was probably also asexual and that what I really wanted was for him to just talk to me again and interact with me like a person, instead of acting like he expected me to abuse him the way his uncle and grandmother did.

And I tried every tactic I could, every appeal, both trying to get him to open up to me about problems and trying to figure out what the sexual disconnect was. I tried suggesting role play, I tried prying about what he was attracted to. I made a maid's outfit for fucks sake and subjected myself to that to see if it -did- anything... I tried being more dominant, gritting my teeth and tried acting submissive, I tried nibbling on him more, I tried suggesting different kinds of sex, trying to figure out what characters he was into, what was making him feel inadequate or whatever the problem was... He was a clam. [I mean he's supposed to be a bunny because his hair turns darker brown in spring and summer and lighter in the winter, but he was a total shellfish about it all.]

And even when I tried to talk to him about him not pitching in around the house they were very gentle and delicate appeals! I tried everything to make it rewarding for him too. Including making it kinky, including -the most effective tactic- making him apple pies every time I had a clean kitchen to do it in. My drill sergeant mode was absent, dialed to 0. I was on eggshells about potentially making him feel bad about himself but still desperately needing him to pull his weight.

And so when I ask him what I did that made me someone he couldn't go to anymore, or couldn't be open with, or acted like he didn't want... He sites a list of things other people did to him and how it made him feel about himself.

And, yeah, that tracks... But it's fucking infuriating... It's so fucking in your head with low self esteem to such a divorced from reality extreme that is sounds fucking -fake- to me now. and I know that's distrust created by -probably- only other people causing that impression, so I am inclined to believe the problem was really actually his own crippling lack of self-esteem... But like???

The only way this actually makes sense * to every part of my psyche* is if I buy into the idea that he equated sexual intimacy directly with love and personal intimacy with no line between the two, so seeking one and struggling with the other came off to him as setting him up for rejection... Which is the opposite of the impression I got from him. I distinctly have the impression we outright had conversations about how "normal people" equating those two things together was alienating to both of us. If pressed ai would have labelled him as demi the way I am then and now and would armchair diagnose him as also autistic. But that's the only way that "You'd made it clear that you didn't have any interest in being intimate with me (and I get why, I had many unresolved issues and was not pulling my weight), but still wanted me to pursue intimacy with the understanding the answer would be no, felt like a big Catch 22." direct quote, makes ANY fucking sense to me.

Maybe in the end he IS allosexual alloromantic and straight after all and did like me, and the only reason why he created the exact opposite impression was because he hated himself so fucking much he couldn't see over it. Maybe the dysphoria -for lack of a better term- of trying to have a relationship/sex as himself was just too much.

Everything else he had to say was an acknowledgement that I wasn't the problem and he was just too deep in his own head and negative self worth. Which yeah, actually feels a lot like closure on what the fuck was up because that aligns with what I suspected of the situation... But I had to just assume it and try to move on because until now he was a fucking clam... Or as he put it "I'm just seen as this horrible slug person"... Which *sigh* listen, this word is a fucking *choice*, and an ironic one, because a) he left himself open to the possibility of making the world's most hilariously bad typo given the context, and he should have more sense than that [I had him tested, his IQ, knowing it would be close to mine or higher and thinking that would help him, beyond jokes about numbers on paper I know he's clever], b) he knows I think slugs are cute, and c) he was actively jealous of one particular "slug man" -i remember this distinctly- who he knows I am attracted to, specifically, when he wasn't jealous of me liking any other fictional character for any period of time while we were together, not even the ones I actually felt qualified to make art or writing about, he just saw the affection I had for exactly one slug man and that was the fictional character that made him feel inadequate, much to my ongoing confusion... *deep breath* baby boy... The fuck? [part of me finds this word choice out of character and a little on the nose (and thus sus), but is this just a new thing people say now? We all remember the slug/slut typo post, yeah?]

Which... yeah, is just more "I couldn't go to you or engage with you as a person anymore because I had become convinced you were suddenly going to act like my abusers for no real reason I can articulate"...

And like, we had the conversation? We had the "baby boy is it just that you don't feel like sex anymore and you are afraid I'll be mad, we don't have to have sex if you don't like it" conversation!! Like I-

???? Self-loathing is a reality warping drug, and that's really the only closure I could have from this, IG???

I just... Everything else asides I am BAFFLED how "please spend time with me as a person and please tell me what would make you enjoy sex with me more" gets interpreted as "seek intimacy so I can reject you"... T~T ... i- I fucking MADE a maid's outfit, for myself, to wear, me, the "I was trying to look like a man before I knew I was trying to look like a man" and "I have to bargain with myself about skirts and makeup and act allergic to pink or anything feminizing" and "I won't wear a cat collar for fashion reasons because occasionally people think I am a sub because of it".. I- *stares into eternity* I tried...

The only thing that makes sense is that the moment he came to live under my roof he switched to mentally categorizing me as an authority figure instead of as his partner against the world... And just believed it so hard and so unconsciously nothing could ever unpack that.

So he acted like he couldn't stand me and was so paralyzed by insecurity he still needed me to take care of him and support him full time, because of how other people had treated him, and that's the closest I get to an answer.

And that's just that, I guess.

A large part of me speaking from well over 10 more year's experience insists that him cheating on me, and then just maintaining the charade catering to my expectations and sympathies [people have really fucked around on me okay?] makes way more rational sense than this... But self loathing isn't rational and I know that. If I can believe I ever had any accurate sense of his personality at all... I can believe this is him telling the truth. The insanely frustrating fucking truth.

If it was remotely appropriate or in context I would love him to give me a retrospective on why Piccolo dbz make him feel insecure when no other fictional men or women did [I was so confused by it at the time, he got really weird about it, when like I did way more art of Raziel and even Kisame? because hormones or smth happened to me on occasion]. But asking him that now feels mean and I don't think he'd have an answer anyway.

I'd also ask him questions to determine if he even ever noticed I had multiple personalities, but i also don't think that would be constructive, or get me anywhere, and might just make him feel bad for not paying attention to me.

Also, I either forgot just how often he refers to himself in third person or something during the pandemic broke him too. idk.

But like why it's so frustrating is it means the only reason why i didn't successfully save him from his family and build an amazing life for both of us, with him as my enthusiastic partner, in a blessedly cheap little apartment until I could buy us a house... Was because he was taking his trauma and self hatred out on me for reasons he can't even define. Like the fuck do you mean all that was that you felt unlovable? WE COULD HAVE HAD THE WORLD!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gods I hope he's in therapy.

T~T

And like you would think that the potential that everyone else not having lied to me about these things in particular would feel like some kind of answers or closure, but their behaviour otherwise makes this less impactful than you would assume. I mean I have to be relieved I'm probably not as bad at reading people as I was starting to fear???

I mean I feel a little better in general now? But also??????????????????

~*~

... So now I just wait to see if he can find my bloody passport, I guess.

... And I should order alcohol soon. Tomorrow maybe? Is it too late now?

Then this list:

Glue the one drawer from the dresser that pulled apart [because 1-2 drawers were never glued by me to begin with because they *seemed* to be holding in one piece too well]

Glue spice rack back together

Get the last 3-5 totes reorganized so I can get the last disorganized looking pile of stuff tidied up and out of the way

Get the things I am giving away gone and out of the apartment

make ramp [for spring, haha, late]

renew health card

renew chob

make apt about wrist lump

make ultrasound appointment for IUD now that I have my health card

Get back to the women's college hospital

[vermutandherring]

No spoilers

It's funny that despite all my love for the game, I didn't have any inspiration to write a review. Because how can you put into words the feelings it causes? Yes, the gameplay is like an endless dance that flows and twists the player into its vortex. Yes, every second in this game is melodious like a song, cutscenes are apt like rhymes in poetry, and the outcome suffered in the battle with the last boss gives a feeling of exaltation. And although each work is a matter of taste and everyone sees something different in the game, it seems that the audience has finally matured to understand the genius of Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance.

It's a bit unfortunate that the game is mostly recognized by memes, which makes its perception superficial and not serious. On the other hand, a meme can only be understood with full context, which requires playing through the game. The context, in turn, gives a deeper understanding of the work. And therefore, even such popularity can attract new fans of the series. I also think that the example of this game shows how much the game industry has in common with high culture, not mass culture. Most games acquire their meaning over time, rather than gaining popularity as a phenomenon of consumer culture, quickly fading into obscurity. So in this review I will try to explain why MGRR will remain a classic for generations of gamers to come.

I'm happy that Metal Gear Rising was my first MG game. It does not require extensive knowledge of the history of the franchise. Therefore, discovering the character of Raiden and the meaningful content of the game, you want to get to know this universe more closely to understand its essence.

There is a perception that MGRR is not Hideo Kojima's canonical Metal Gear, so you won't be able to touch his genius in this game. In fact, it is not quite so. Although at some point the project was given to PlatinumGames, its initial idea and main character remained in the spirit of the good old Metal Gears, which is felt if not in the combat system, then certainly in the ideas, narratives and used means of artistic expression inherent to Kojima. In the game we have some elements of stealth, expressive cutscenes with unexpected angles, the philosophical basis of the plot and, of course, the codec - Kojima's greatest invention in video games, in his own opinion. It is interesting to observe how his principles continue their life in subsequent projects, changing and adapting to the needs of the time and the content of the games. Yoji Shinkawa, an integral part of the tandem, also contributed to the creation of the game. So if you look at it from a certain angle, MGRR is pretty much canonical Metal Gear.

Yep. I spent 20 mins of my life to find Kojima and Shinkawa in credits. They both are present.

One of the key features of MGRR, inherent in the MG series in general, is its ability to combine very different and, at first glance, absurd things. The game constantly balances between philosophy and satire, cringe and seriousness, kitsch and incredible aesthetics. This feeling is very similar to the first experience of getting to know anime. To a person out of context, individual episodes of anime can seem strange and wild, and a single series can make the entire industry seem like low-level geek culture. In short, this cultural phenomenon is shrouded in a lot of prejudices and stereotypes, which is caused by a different cultural context than yours (unless you are Japanese).

MGRR feels very Japanese, even though the setting of the game (like all the games in the series) has nothing to do with Japan. The very first mission resembles a traditional Japanese engraving, on an endless sheet of which heroes from ancient myths confront each other. I love finding parallels between games and art forms. Vampyr similar to a theater play, L.A. Noire is to the detective film, and Mafia is to the noir novel. And although I have repeatedly emphasized that Kojima brought video games closer to cinema through MG, I want to go deeper in the search for aesthetic parallels in Rising. This game resembles a mythological epic with its inherent trope about the hero's journey, the endless fight against evil and, of course, the worldview of a particular people, its philosophy.

In many mythologies, events take place in 'eternal' space and stretch endlessly in time. A dark force always appears to destroy the world, a light force always accepts its challenge. After all, the world is maintained thanks to their balance, the delicate balance of yin and yang, which should not be disturbed in any way. That is why evil exists. And that's why good always wins it. In general, most games with a plot, having a certain literary basis, use this pattern. But in MGRR, this principle seems to be embodied literally, only the actors are changed: robots and cyborgs take the place of deities and spirits. Powerful forces converge in a predestined battle, but we know its outcome in advance. Therefore, the most interesting part of this whole action remains the confrontation process itself. What is heard on earth when the titans are fighting in the sky? What does the Dragon say when he meets the Tiger?

Doan (Yamada Yorikiyo), Japanese. Tiger and Dragon, ink on paper, around 1560. The Minneapolis Institute of Art. Source: https://www.roningallery.com/artists/Kuniyoshi

'RULES OF NATURE'

The rules of nature are one of the key elements of the game. The problem of the main character's struggle with the natural state of things and their phenomena is embodied in many details and in the mythological background in particular. In primitive beliefs, people of all cultures addressed the forces of nature that they could not directly change, but that they could influence and interact with. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why Raiden fights not with abstract thieves, but with destructive, unpredictable and dangerous natural phenomena. In the game, we have a group of Winds of Destruction - cold-blooded mercenaries who do dirty work. In the system of Japanese beliefs, in particular Shinto, spirits-deities called kami have a clearly defined good/bad characteristic. At the same time, they also have an opposite side to it. Therefore, people can interact with kami in different ways depending on their needs. Before his battles with the Winds, Raiden has moments of revelation with each of them, through which he discovers new truths. These conversations also show that if you judge the state of affairs from the point of view of the criminals themselves, their views also have a grain of rationality. They have come to choose their craft in a certain way, have their own beliefs and principles, and therefore it is difficult to call them unequivocally bad. Raiden himself is more like the Winds than he would like.

One of the most magical and, at the same time, one of the most dangerous and destructive forces of nature is embodied in the image of Raiden. In Japanese mythology, Raijin is the god of lightning. A variant of Raiden-sama's name can literally be translated as Mr. Lightening Bolt. But the most interesting thing is not that. According to the tradition of Japanese Buddhism, Raijin and his brother, the wind god Fujin, were originally evil demons who fought bitterly with the Buddha. As a result of the battle between the Buddha's heavenly army and the demons, Fujin and Raijin were captured, repented and now serve good as Buddha's guardian deities. To say how brilliantly accurate this tribute is - is to say nothing. Like Raijin, in the MG series, Jack went from a punishing dark force to a protective light force. At the same time, he does not depart from his original nature of destroyer and killer, but only directs energy in the right direction.

Folding screen depicting Raijin (left) and Fūjin (right). Tawaraya Sōtatsu, 17 century. Raiden-sama usually depicted as white demon, which also resonates with one of Jack's names - White Devil.

One could say that such a similarity between the fates of Raijin and Jack was only a coincidence. After all, this is where Joseph Campbell's theory of the monomyth, laid out in his 1949 book The Hero with a Thousand Faces, takes place. Campbell, researching the myths, fairy tales and legends of the peoples of the world, came to the conclusion that most of these stories rely on a common plot structure, which he called the monomyth. Since the modern literary tradition is drawn from the oldest literary forms, it still retains the most common and established models, albeit in modified forms. And therefore, the similarity of the paths of heroes in myths or literary works is only a consequence of an established tradition.

But Metal Gear wouldn't be Metal Gear if it weren't for its attention to details. As we know, in myths, things are rarely clear-cut. Raijin often fights with his brother Fujin. He is also depicted in the company of Raiju, a thunder beast or thunder demon that also acts as his animal totem, usually appearing in the form of a dog or wolf. Does this remind you of anyone? Another minor but interesting detail is that Raijin has a son, Raitaro, who is another deity of thunder.

Although Raiju is a companion of Raijin, it can act independently. During thunderstorms, Raiju descend from the sky, accompanying lightning to strike at trees and houses, causing disasters. Thus, Raiju attacks were also believed to be a form of divine punishment: those whose homes were struck by lightning were “suffering the wrath of the Raiju”.

The dystopian environment of MGRR tries to imitate the natural state of things and imitate nature itself not only at the expense of the mythological core. There are more direct allusions embedded directly in the design of robots and cyborgs. The most obvious is the already mentioned Blade Wolf, in which the prototype of the dog is easily guessed. Amphibians and insects, dinosaurs and birds, ungulates and predators inhabit the unexplored hostile spaces of MGRR. It is noteworthy that some of the mechs in the game are present in the MG series not for the first time. Even in previous games, you could find numerous modifications of Metal Gear RAY, Gekko or canine-like robots. The entire MG series in one way or another introduces allusions to the animal world into the design of the characters. On the one hand, this is a fairly obvious design approach. On the other hand, it adds more depth to the game's lore. The concept of human imitation of nature is a red thread through all Metal Gear, opening a kind of philosophical questions, and also conveys the idea of "naturalness" of those changes taking place in the alternate reality of the game.

Animal traits are evident in robots' behavior and appearance, such as design elements, mannerisms, sounds, etc. It would seem that this is enough to give the player information about what they are dealing with. But the designers give a deeper explanation of how these mechanisms work. They are endowed not only with the features of living beings. They have a similar 'body structure' and even blood likeness. From a practical point of view, most of these details do not make any sense.

From the perspective of game design, this is one of those elements that works on a subconscious level with the player's imagination. Blazing his way through enemy valleys, Raiden destroys more than just robots. They bleed, suffer and make shrill sounds like living animals. They seem to embody the next, albeit artificially created by man, stage of evolution. They are only a part of the usual state of things, where "wind blows, rain falls, and the strong prey upon the weak". Obviously Raiden is a predator in this story. Kill or be killed. At the same time, he is a victim. A victim of his own beliefs and memes, obeying them, he tries to change the natural order, to destroy long-established truths for the sake of the highest good. But, as we found out, good and evil will always exist side by side. Because as one little-known philosopher once said,

About memes, honor and war in the next part of the review~

Credits:

Japanese Tiger and Dragon. Minneapolis Institute of Art

2. RAIJU: The Thunder Beast Yokai

3. Gekko. Metal Gear Wiki

4. Raijin. Wikipedia