#Like overall we're. Okay
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I feel like spiraling is always described as a quick thing but let me tell you. Girls will get afraid and slowly spiral for months I think.
#Like overall we're. Okay#Just wish I had disability getting approved soon or I find a new job or I can just somehow not be sitting in#Either the negatives or slightly above the negatives#Financially I am slowly dying and I'm not dead in the water because my beloved gf is amazing and thankfully can handle this#For at least a few months#But my long term thoughts are so uncertain#I just want to be around her and I just want us to live comfortably#I'm ever so slowly trying to crawl out of this over a year art block and that's a bit taxing mentally too#Idk I just want a bedframe that doesn't make me scared I'll fall every time I sleep or get on it#I wanna work off my fuckhuge loan debt#Its been so ungodly hard recently#I'm also thankful my dr rocks and meds have been helping with pain a good bit.#It just feels like I'm ever so slowly slipping into pretty much bed ridden territory again#Even with the meds. They help the pain a good bit (sometimes) but I still feel exhausted. And I'm getting insomniatic again#I just wanna sleep. I just wanna feel no stress for the first time. I've been stressed since fucking middle school#Or maybe even 6th grade because thats when the chronic pain started! Yayy!!!
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Well.
#(I'm back)#It was. Uhm. A chapter#First of all: I'm ENDLESSLY GRATEFUL to the person who sent me the translation basically as soon as the chapter came out.#I even did like 90% of typesetting but didn't finish it because I had to go out#(aka with my friends were literally knocking out at my room and I couldn't make it any more late lol)#Mixed feelings about it? Mostly because there's so much exposition... I'll need to reread it another three times before it sinks in#The color page is AMAZING 10000000000000/10 I love my sskks so much they're so cute I love them so much they're so cute.#Easily the best part of the chapter.#The color page was? Very very pretty too? Like a lot more than usual if you ask me! I can't wait for the volume cover 🥺🥺#It should come out soon shouldn't it? Usually color spreads / pages open the volume...#Akutagawa fake dying again is funny. Like it isssss but also. Idk it's a little lame how we're changing the pov from ss/kk again :/#I can't even tell if I'm being biased or if it's an actual storytelling critique. I don't care right now I just want to see Akutagawa–#being cool rather than. You know. Dead on the ground.#That said! It's also very funny and touches my sense of humor precisely.#Like yeah Akutagawa being like the second strongest pm member and overall one of the most powerful ability user in the world–#that everyone fears (and I know he is! He is indeed for real!)#And yet he always ends up face to the ground 😂😂😂 Like if we don't count the ss/kk fights he literally only ever won against Hawthorne.#And even then he failed to kill him and Mitchell. It's so funny to me. I love him. He's so pathetic#“Wow! Akutagawa is so cool and invincible now!” *ends up biting the dust not even two chapters later*#It's okay because I love him. He's very very powerful and he's also very very pathetic I love that for him#That said :/ I don't really care about Fukuzawa :/ Idk :/ Like :/#Don't get me wrong I LOVE Fukuzawa (I don't. I'm mostly neutral towards him) but this is the ss/kk moment man :/ Whatchu doin#That's about it. Let's see what the next chapter brings!#Everything accounted for I'm glad there wasn't like. A ss/kk kiss or any other big big ss/kk moment#(although Atsushi admiring Akutagawa and thinking about his eyes has its fair share of neatness to it!!)#Because with everything going on this evening I really would have been let down to miss it#But I keep hope for the next chapters!! Please...#random rambles#Had tons of fun typesetting! Even though I don't think there's a point in posting it now. But would love to do it again in the future!#bsd spoilers
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i think what's really been getting to me the past few months is the realisation that i dont relate to literally any of the mental health stuff i see anywhere. like whenever there's some affirmation or motivation or just relatable-sounding posts in general they all seem like such common problems and it's like, damn i literally dont experience any of that. and yet im still crumpling. something uniquely wrong with me
#like ion have social anxiety and my depression manifests entirely differently. already excludes like 90% of things on here#also like. my parents grew up so poor immediately post ww2 and in the ussr that they#were eating dead animals off the street. my father was in a revolution when he was 10 and grew up working in a mine#and ion even wanna think abt the shit my mother endured in transylvania#and they both went to uni for over a decade and made an extremely good life for themselves#and i cant even do 2 yrs of uni without folding?? i dont even have anything else going on#i literally have everything handed to me why can't i just function#maybe i never learned how to struggle for things. i dont know#barking#and i cant say oh well im more mentally ill than them. first of all where do you think i got them from. second of#all they were in a war and spent the majority of their lives in the ussr. they wont even#talk about most of the things they went through#like dont get me wrong i have such a long list of mental issues my biography would count as the next dsm#but it's not like my parents were okay at any point. so like#for the record they stopped living in the ussr because the ussr ended they didn't move out or anything. we're still in eastern europe#which is definitely contributing to my overall state. please can i fucking leave pleeeease
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they werent lying that knuckles series barely has knuckles in it
#i pirated that shit Btw just so we're clear. also gonna talk about it a little bit in the tags#nothing too spoilery but also might not wanna read if you want to go in knowing absolutely nothing? idk#anyway he WAS a main character still he was present for a decent amount of the first couple episodes#but the amount of screentime he gets just starts dropping after that . hes barely there at all in the second half ???#and it feels like theres a lot of scenes mostly focusing on wade and his problems and not near as many for knuckles and his whole deal#overall it feels more like a wade show with knuckles in it than a knuckles show with wade in it. which sucks#and human characters having plot relevance isnt the problem here i dont mind human characters at all i think they can be really fun#its the fact that the human characters are taking over the story and spotlight when the show is called knuckles#and all the marketing makes it look like knuckles is the main focus#and i also would have preferred if they just went with a differnet character to be knuckles' human friend#because i dont particulraly care about wade. and the knuckles (and sonic and tails) i know would not be friends with cops </3#well at least the story wasnt knuckles training wade to be a better cop like a lot of people were expecting but thats like.the bare minimum#also aside from the issues relating to knuckles' screentime (or lack of screentime) i thought the ending was unsatisfying#regardless of all that though there WERE some parts i enjoyed or found kind of funny or whatever. because knuckles so cutesy as always#knuckles being a cute little guy is the most important part of the show actually#and i liked the parts with sonic tails and maddie even if they were only there for like 5 minutes#(i really wish those three had gotten more screentime. i feel like they could have easily worked in at least one more scene with them)#and its a minor thing but the opening sequence is cute. was honestly expecting just a title card or something#overall the show is just . kind of okay i guess. not the worst thing ive ever seen but still disappointing ? idk how to explain..#my expectations also werent very high in the first place#so maybe im being a bit more generous than i would have been otherwise. idk#and i definitely would not recommend this to anyone who already dislikes the sonic movies . youll probably hate this more#like people who thought the human characters got too much screentime in the second movie would lose their minds if they saw this
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yknow i was a little miffed when yoimiya got her second story quest but i can't even be mad that cyno's getting his. he's been around since manga days he deserves it
#personal stuff#delete later#like good for him. also who is that. i know a playable design when i see one#like we are FINALLY GETTING PERMANENT HERMANUBIS LORE.#ARLECCHINOOO. OH MY GODDD#I CANNOT BELIEVE SCYTHE ARLE REAL. i avoided looking at leaks for so long and her animations are SO nice wtf#her WING???#OH MY GODDD??? SHE'S THE NEW WEEKLY BOSS???#SHE LOOKS SO FUCKING COOL. HER WINGS#HEY WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE. FURINA OR NEUVILLETTE STORY QUEST 2 WHERE?#are they pushing stuff back. no dain quest last patch no archon or equivalent quest this patch :(#yes i am soo excited to see her lines about the other harbingers#still biting the bars of my cage why are there so many black white and red hyv characters coming out at the same time#STILL CANNOT BELIEVE WE'RE GOING TO REMURIA. RIPS AND TEARS#OH SHIT IT'S RELATED TO PETRICHOR. WE'RE GETTING THAT TOO.#wtf kitty event was foreshadowing. new talking cat#so we're not getting dornman port... :(#oh hey cool dvorak is coming back#new horn instrument!! it looks neat#ah. windtrace :/ i'm not one for co-op events i was hoping fr something else. good for you guys though#NATLAN CRUMBS WOOO#okay. overall looks like a neat update i'm looking forward to petrichor a lot. PLEASE say gourmet supremos. PLEASE.#i've been waiting so long to see them please let them come back...#also arlecchino looks cool as hell.#a little disappointed that no furina or neuvillette or dain quest but what can you do.#maybe we'll get a dain one next patch since we're getting remuria now? probably not but i can dream#checked the voice actors list under the trailer. oh hey we're seeing childe again
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#creator speaks#a funny i saw on my twitter thought i should insert my ship into it 👍👍👍#WHICH IS FUNNY BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL *IS* A TUMBLR POST but oh well#man the thoughts that simmered in my head in the past year and a half over them and how her inclusion kinda changes the story...#lol ik i always “speak” of it and discord besties would know a little more than those who aren't but i digress#i love it i love the thought of just...Madison putting so much of her faith and trust and love in them that she just becomes loyal to them#helping their cause and personal issues wanting to be a reliable friend and loved one to them#(probably the abandonment issues that's operating in that brain of hers lmao but) she just wants to stay by their side !!#and hope that they let her stay there in the years of them growing up together#somewhere in the messy notes in my brain and in my laptop's notepad did i think far in changing their overall fate to make the ending happy#but i just feel like that's just gonna stay there or be discussed in really tight circles IF i feel like sharing it hehu#i feel like madison and me inserting her into the jojo universe as a sort of “fix-it” tool is one that araki and many others wld surely hat#HAHAHAHAHA#when my notes and lore try to go against the biggest theme of fate in the series and how we're destined to go through it-#-that it can't be changed. how the joestars are cursed yadda yadda#i'm so normcore domestic life happy ending mary sue fix it canon divergence pilled okay !!!#i want both jotaro and kakyoin to be happy and alive !!! and making that possible by inserting my lame ass op oc 😎😎😎#HAHAHAH whatever i'll stop yapping <33
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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a little smooch as a treat !!!
#ignore his hand and arm okay? peace and love i am never going to be good at drawing hands🕊️🕊️#(i did some hand studies today which is the only reason it is present at all dhdjkl i would've just done a mitt hand otherwise LOL)#i thought this was a cute outfit for s/i but i feel like the overalls just make me look like an overgrown 12 yr old 😔😔 SIGH ALAS#okay i need to stop looking at this bc i feel like i need to tear it into pieces and eat it ... that arm is driving me crazy LMAO#time to go sleep... i was going to sleep an hour ago but then. well. sketchbook was opened and pencil was put to paper and now we're here#but :3 !! giving him a lil kissaroo hehe put a big ol smile on his face :] !!!!#🧡hello radio land!#dandy.cmd#doodlebug.png
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so evil that i can't find a single gifset of them in this episode at least not from searching the episode number like i usually do
#i hate you people#apparently people hate him which. okay it sounds like it gets Worse but#idk as far as the way trans people are being presented it feels Not That Bad#like yes we're doing trans 101 but also it's nice that he gets to have that idk :)#like idk the scene where everybody has cringe tumblr identities but at the same time hes like okay im gonna learn :)#and like hes presented as in the right. like yes that was for people to laugh at nonbinary kids#but also to say the right thing to do is be open to people when you dont Get Their Whole Deal#does that make sense? idk#like i also dont think this show has a Responsibility To Educate which is why it kind of feels weird that thats what theyre doing#especially when they only Kind Of know what theyre doing#it also feels awkward when they do it with ian re: mental health like since when does he Talk Like That#but overall i truly think its not that bad but i dont even want to care if its that bad bc it shouldnt be the point#anyway i think its very fun that everybody else is having real problems and ian gets to have a break for a while#and have his biggest problem be 'oh no we're both tops'#r.txt#shameless lb
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Me, every time my excel spreadsheet with 19 tabs, over a dozen pivot tables, a bunch of formulas scattered all over the place, and a data tab consisting of over 100,000+ rows and 100 columns crashes: Why is this happening 😩
#happy's babblings#dont @ me okay 😩 i know its bad but we're talking 8 years of business data at this point#im gonna try to do what i should've done a year and a half ago when this was happening and split it up into five year chunks of files#and then idk maybe keep an overall data file im case smth get effed. i could recover the data w/o it but. i dont wanna call ppl#it's crashed like four times in the last hour and im just ���� plz. baby. just lemme reconcile this report and then you will be free
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epic win at old lady group today: the group leader was struggling with a tangled up loose skein of yarn, so i scampered over to the other end of the table where was sitting and offered to untangle it and wind it into a centre-pull yarn bal for her since I remembered how to do it from just the other day fjdkdl and she was very confused why i would WANT to do that but she let me :3
so i got to untangle yarn AND wind a yarn ball AND help someone i appreciate, three things i love doing - YIPPEE !!!
#also one of the ladies had never seen the way i do it before and she was so fascinated and impressed fjdkdl#every couple mins she'd be like ''wow! would ya look that!'' SBDJDKL it was so fun#also i finished as much of the hat i could work on while i was there a bit early#so i pulled out my sketchbook for the last half hour and doodled a little#and the remaining women all wanted to see fhfkdl so i got to show them a page of my art#and they were so impressed HDJFDKL#its so strange sharing my art w ppl bc like... i pretty much never do it irl#so im always like super nervous and unsure and ppl pretty much always go ''WOW !! you're an artist!!!''#and then i get MORE nervous and unsure bc idk how to react to compliments other than saying thank you gjfkdl#and its just a very silly mess of a time LOL#ANYWAYS !! good time there today as always fjfkl i almost had a panic attack at the grocery store after but i survived#idk why that happens sometimes fjdkdl my brain just decides its time to freak out#and i have to be like hey man. we're almost done here and then we'll be home soon. and we can have a breakdown once we get home okay?#and my brain kicks a rock and mutters a pouty ''okay'' and i push through the rest of the time fnfmdjdkl#anyhowdy that was A Lot and im very tired but it was good overall and I've got food again so HURRAY !!#and also i have a drawing im excited abt working on >:3#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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advices are welcome because i ✨dont know anything anymore✨
#this friend of mine is the sweetest#we always got along even though we're very different#in the way that im a very closed off person i dont like social media and i will not reply to texts and its nothing personal its just me#he on the other hand is very talkative. loves showing affection and has like 3 different podcasts and he's friends with literally everyone#long story short he graduated and moved cities it's been 3 months#also i went through a very bad depressive episode and im still crawling out of it#he says im distant and its not because the lack of texts but because there isnt a way to communicate with me#i say im depressed and its disappearing is nothing new and he knows this. that all im asking is time#he says he's anxious and has abandonment issues and that his love language is words of affirmation#i say i was never a person that says much from the beginning and listed all other things ive done and sacrifice myself for him#he says he understands and he feels loved and cared for by me. still his love language is words of affirmation and he needs it#it feels like a demand even though he keeps saying it's not#he says there's nothing wrong with me being an overall absent person and that the problem is with him#his insecurities and words of affirmation is the way out of it#and i dont know what to do anymore#i want someone to tell me im in the wrong and that friends give in for each other#but everyone keeps saying this is not okay and i dont know i understand where he's coming from#i just .... im so tired#'ik you said you dont have energy but do you see where im coming from?' left a bad taste in my mouth#idk my heart is heavy im so exhausted and i wish he had read that damn text i sent him carefully and not rushed to replu#reply*#how can a person respect your boundaries and still cross them and then no it's actually you misunderstanding?#aita#personal
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humans when people. i love people i love humans i love humanity. get me some of that laughing with friends asking politely to pet a strangers dog going insane over a media(s) with people on the internet who also enjoy the media(s) in question typa shit. me when im me. you when youre you. hoooooly shit dude
#ray's tag#fuckin. Human (several of them)#love those guys#i just think we're neat. like overall we're pretty damn okay.
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not to put fandom discourse on you brog but are you a grandpa joe supporter or hater
ummm supporter
#we're talking book version right#ask#honestly i do not see the problem about him getting out of bed like. the whimsy okay#all of them get up in the second book btw#now grandpa joe from the adaptations?#ermm thumb down sorry#i don't think him being a past employee really added anything#besides idk explanation of why he should go instead of mr bucket but still?#and the whole military thing going on in the musical no rhanks what are you wearing man#in the 1971 movie like okayyyy but i forever disapprove of the fizzy lifting drink scene sorry.#anyway overall supporter#hope this helps
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listen i enjoy both Michael Kovach & (new guy who’s name I keep getting the order confused of)'s takes on Angel, but a take I saw a few times was "oh fucking finally I'm so glad he doesn't sound like such a gay stereotype"
And like. Yeah. I see where they're coming from. But I liked him a lot initially because he sounded like a gay stereotype. Where's my ''sounds like a gay stereotype irl" representation?
#Like yes okay I get why they did it and overall I love#-Checks notes-#Blake roman!'s take on it I think he adds a lot of pathos#But when people are like ''he sounded so fruity back in the day oof glad we're making him sound more like a new Yorker than anything''#I get reflexively defensive#Curse of having the Pinnochio Voice
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[holds onto this feeling with both fucking hands]
#'why am I drawing ruszca instead of my friends' PCs or my actual canon dnd ships or--' BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT AND I'M ALLOWED#because I like her and I wanted to idk!! and it was fun and it felt good and now I wanna ALSO draw that other stuff!!#instead of the entire concept of drawing anything feeling too guilty and bad to engage with at all!!#also I do happen to know that the Disappointed Friends In My Head are not in fact ENTIRELY fictional strawmen : )#my dad has told me it hurts his feelings that I don't draw kethri cause she's my character in the campaign we're in together#and like. okay it hurts MY feelings that 2/3s of the time we play that campaign you don't bother to engage at all#so the overall experience doesn't feel that rewarding to me despite my husband being the best DM I've played with :)#but yeah ngl there was definitely a little My Dad Voice in my head when I was drawing the mistletoe one like#'you never draw my PC/ your brothers' PCs though this should be one of them instead :('#and I had to just. kick that voice to the curb. that's not HELPFUL it just makes art feel bad so I don't wanna do it at all#I counted once and there are... nearly 70 PCs and Major/ Beloved NPCs I Could Be Drawing at any given time between all my campaigns#there is ALWAYS someone whom I'm neglecting I LITERALLY cannot win in that regard#ANYWAY. man. would you believe I actually draw a lot more stuff when it feels fun and rewarding and I'm not paralyzed by guilt#about me#my art#posts from twitter
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