#Like no upping my dosage continually is not going to help it is going to make me worse

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

I went off ADHD meds because they weren’t helping much and the crash was making me a little too silly (you can imagine in what sense I mean that phrase). But today I went back on because I need to do things and holy mother of god sounds and the lack of sound are pushing me into overload simultaneously.

[wxvzkk]

i hate the fact that since im not 18 i CANNOT be diagnosed with certain things and by that definition get help for it, like wdym every single therapist since the age of 6 ive gone to has told me the exact same thing and that they cant give me an official diagnosis because of my age but that i show concerning signs of bipolar and other things like ??? why tell me if i cant even get help?? yeah put me on another pill as if thats gonna help. put me on mood stabilizers and up the dose when it doesn't get better and refuse to give me the help you KNOW i should have? like i understand that symptoms and signs can be confusing when children are younger but like brah how are you gonna tell me that you're almost completely sure of this but i cant even get the actual help, just some basic version of it because im too young and my personality is still developing like???? you have all told me since i was under the age of 10 that i showed a concerning amount of signs???? but you wont help????

[dark-raven-666]

Mr chopped x reader + sfw & nsfw headcanons.

He survives and has a body.

A/N: this is my first time writing nsfw so please bare with me. It's SFW until marked.!!

♡´･ᴗ･`♡♡´･ᴗ･`♡♡´･ᴗ･`♡♡´･ᴗ･`♡♡´･ᴗ･`♡♡´･ᴗ･`♡

@vixxine

Art belongs to: reddeong_ on X/ Twitter

As soon as your eyes met his,he whispered to you. "I only wanted you to be happy".

Running to his side you hold him in your arms and help him stand up. Mr. Silvair who was next to you, helped the two of you to a room where he was put it rest.

Mr. Silvair injects him with a small dosage of some kind of medicine that makes him calm down.

Hours pass and his eyes remain closed. You sitting in a chair by his bed. Your head on the bed and hand holding his.

By the time he woke up, you had fallen asleep. He looks around the room only for his eyes to settle on you.

With a quiet sigh, he holds your hand tighter, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

At his touch your eyes flutter open, molting up your arms wrap around him as you sob. " my love... Oh my dear... I thought I had lost you for good.. " you cry out quietly... His gaze softens and he wraps his arms around you. He felt so warm... His skin.. His body was cold... But the warmth came from within... It's like you could feel his love.

His hand caresses your cheek with a look that says he has yearned to do that for eternity. You mean into his palm and hold it with your hands.

As your eyes meet his once more, you can almost feel his anguish... The pain he had endured..

How he had yearned to touch you, to wrap his arms around you, to be worthy of you.

His eyes closing turn to the ceiling and tears stream down... His hand now shaking he let's out one sob and buries himself in your chest in a speed you had never seen him move in.

HCS.

SFW

Loves to have you in his arms.

Feels insecure at times but you're always quick to bury those away with your touch, kisses and loving words.

Full body cuddles are a must. Now that he can wrap up around you like a koala he won't stop doing it.

Allows you to brush his hair and braid it, but NOT cut it.

Now that he can stand up he wants to go everywhere, visit every part of the world, feel, touch everything.

Now that he has this precious body he will not waste it.

Has gotten into your skin care and will continue to.

He got a bruise? It's the end of the world!

Yes he's still his dramatic self.

NSFW 🤫

Very sensitive, what is this odd feeling?

I'm not even going to lie and feed your delusions, barely lasts 2-3 minutes the first like 20 times. It's all just so new.

You know how I said he wants to adventure? Yes with this too. He wants to feel his body and your body.

Sees a bit of side boob and is immediately hard and stroking himself.

Loves the feeling of his fist but boyyy does he love your mouth more.

Will not hesitate to get on his knees and whine for your mouth on him.

[coelii]

🏳️‍⚧️ It’s my HRTniversary! 🏳️‍⚧️

3 years ago I took my first dose of estradiol and kicked off my so-called “medical transition” to affirm my outer appearance and help it better match who I was inside. I was terrified for a number of reasons, but one of the biggest was “what if I just end up looking like a freak?”

Since then we’ve changed dosages, added/removed medication, switched to injections instead of pills, and through it all that fear never really went away. I was worried I would lose those closest to me, and yet that hasn’t happened.

My wife is my rock and has stood by me throughout everything life has thrown our way and this was no different. My son was wary and sad at first because he thought he was losing his dad, but he’s still my strongest supporter and despite almost everyone else in the extended family pressuring him NOT to recognize me as a woman he hasn’t wavered in the slightest.

And my fear of looking like a freak never really materialized. Did I have an awkward first year? Absolutely. Was I the hottest being on the planet in year 2? Certainly. Have I really settled in to who I feel like inside? I’d like to think so. Do I still get dysphoric and think I should start living under a bridge? Of course.

But this last year has been a journey of self discovery, highs and lows, mistakes and missteps, but in the end I am MAGNITUDES happier now than I was before I started transitioning.

And now that I’ve reached the end (according to the piece of paper planned parenthood gave me) and successfully trans’d my gender I would never go back. Obviously I know changes will continue for years to come, but overall I’m happy and this was the right choice for me. I know this is really only a special day for me, but I want to celebrate it anyway because it’s a part of who I am now. ♥︎

[gotta-whump-them-all]

Defiant Whumpee List

Content Warning:: drugging, sedation, injuries, non sexual nudity, swearing, self-harm

Whumper and Whumpee

Whumpee will fight Whumper whenever they get the chance: scratching, clawing, biting, and kicking. They'll usually fight them until they physically can't anymore.

Defiant Whumpee, who won't let Whumper say anything to them without a snarky remark following it. A mocking tone or a comment under their breath, anything that would grind Whumper's gears.

Whumper sedates Whumpee for whatever reason and Whumpee fights the sedation until they pass out from the drugs.

On the other hand, from sheer will-power, Whumpee has to have a higher dosage of sedatives because they just won't pass out.

Whumpee who can't physically move because of restraints, so they can only scream and swear at Whumper. Most of it is just "Fuck you!", "Go fuck yourself!", "Suck my dick", and "You're an asshole!"

Whumper forces Whumpee to call them sir/ma'am or master and in retaliation, Whumpee says it in the most sassy demeaning way.

Being told to speak/apologise and instead Whumpee stays silent.

Whumpee hurts themself because they know it makes Whumper angry. They want to be the only one that hurts Whumpee.

Whumper gagging Whumpee so they can't speak, because if they can't speak, they can't mouth off.

Caretaker and Whumpee

Whumpee doesn't want to believe that Caretaker does not want to hurt them, so they try to get under Caretaker's skin. They try to get Caretaker angry and to snap at them, so Caretaker would show that they are just like Whumper. Just like everyone else.

Even when Whumpee is covered in injuries, they will punch and kick Caretaker just because they don't want to accept the help.

Follow up, sometimes, the only help they'll accept from Caretaker is the items they would need to patch themselves up.

Or, we have a once defiant Whumpee. When they were with Whumper they were nothing but defiant, but now that they're with Caretaker, they're just compliant. Now that they're safe, there's no need for them to fight.

Whumpee is so used to Whumper being weird about their body that they don't want to get undressed around Caretaker, even when it's so Caretaker can help give them a bath.

Caretaker patching up Whumpee and asking "Who did this to you?" or "How did you get these scars?" and then Whumpee responds with "None of your business."

Whumpee denies that anything is wrong as they cry, even denying that they are crying at all. They wipe tears from their face and sniffle, but still continue to deny that something is wrong.

Caretaker trying to find out what's wrong with Whumpee and instead of doing anything, Whumpee closes in on themself and stops speaking.

Whumpee hurts themself because they know that it's a hassle for Caretaker to heal their wounds. When Caretaker tries to heal their injuries, Whumpee refuses.

[yanoverload]

You've already said that Ramune is the only Yandere who has sex with people other than us.

I was wondering what his reaction would be to a darling who rejects him because of that? Like, a darling who feels disgusted (and maybe possessive) that Ramune has been touched by other people and openly says that he would never be attracted to a cheap whore like Ramune.

It could be either a Darling who really dislikes Ramune or a Yandere Darling(who is just trying to break Ramune mentally in order to have him for himself). Darling could even fuck another guy in front of Ramune, saying that this guy is a pure and good boy, and that's why he deserved Darling's cock more than Ramune.

I don't know, I just want to see Ramune go crazy with jealousy and insecurity. I'm sorry😔

If Ramune was an older, more mature and mentally stable incubus, he wouldn't mind. Hell he might have made a masterplan to seduce and drug you slowly.

But he isn't. So he panics. He has a meltdown.

He will ruin your partner's reputation. He might ruin yours too so you can't leave the house to ask for help. Not that you would be able too, he would keep you drugged enough that your legs can't move.

Be careful though, demons don't understand human dosages. He might overdo it if you don't take your words back.

(I was struggling to write something for this since I'm bad at angst, but my lovely baby sweetie cutie patootie @yanderefarm helped me and he wrote a little blurb for me!!! PLEASE FOLLOW MY FREND HIS STUFF IS SO GOOD HE DESERVES THE LOVE!!! THANK YOU BUNNY I OWE YOU MY FIRST BORN)

ANGST BLURB UNDER CUT!!!!!

"You're disgusting. Don't fucking touch me."

It was like Ramune had been stabbed in the heart by your words. Each one like a thorn piercing his chest. An incubus never has to worry about the negative view of being sexually promiscuous, it's what he does to survive. 

Aren't you being cruel to call him disgusting for it? You're being mean to him to tease him, right? You're just jealous so you want him to show you how much you mean to him, right? That has to be it.

Ramune assumed if he just forced himself further into your life that you would realize that he loves you and he's serious about you. So why is there some ungrateful, undeserving slut bouncing on your lap? Why did he find you like this?

He practically sees red but he pretends it's ok. He pretends he's not crumbling apart even while a thick pink mist fills the room. You and your new partner fall asleep before you can say or do anything more.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When you wake up? You're tied to a bed with a weight on your stomach. You can hear voices but you're so dizzy and lightheaded.

"Stupid ugly trash like you doesn't deserve them."

There's a rush of pleasure up your body and you try to move your tied back arms in vain. Ramune is sitting on your stomach with his back facing you but those wings are undeniable.

"Fucking hell- Get the fuck off me you freak!"

Your words fall on deaf ears as he continues to touch your thighs lovingly.

"I said get off!! Don't touch me!!"

"I know you're confused... Hah I dunno how he did it but this guy has you all confused."

"I'm not-"

Ramune's voice cracks. "You're mine. You're all mine. I'll show you. I'll imprint it on your body until the only one you remember is me."

A tear hits your bare skin. You can hear a muffled sound of someone else in front of you but there's no chance to process anything. Ramune's hand is trailing up your thigh again.

"Mine."

[pinkteethmarks]

GOOD AND PLENTY: K.B

witchy tip

➤ eating pomegranate with strong magical intentions in mind can help manifest what you want

18. difficile ad amorem

m.list

breakfast has been set and katsuki did not come to play. your dad assumed by his rush to do the breakfast that he was definitely good - but as soon as he took the first bite, he rushed to finish it.

hell, katsuki surely was husband material, he might keep this love spell just to allow himself to get some good food.

you yourself was no better, the sounds of you gobbling up the food was the only thing heard from you. your eyes had a narrow focus, which was the breakfast in front of you and only that.

“katsuki bakugou, please marry my daughter if you would like!” your dad’s muffled voice was barely registrable.

“what?! don’t go making statements like that!” you exclaimed, your voice equally as muffled as you both stuffed your mouthy to the fullest capacity.

“that’s the plan, sir” katsuki smirked, outting his hand in his sweatpant pockets.

you instantly looked at him shocked. with how awkward the morning was, you assumed that he wouldn’t even look at you as your dad made that comment. clearly, the love spell is still at work.

“anyways, let me get started on your situationship, then i can continue to eat well!” your dad chuckled as you groaned in embarrassment, your dad and you only met yet he was already as cringe as a dad could be.

“alright, sit down in front of my katsuki.” your dad asked softly, to which katsuki confusingly followed.

your dad looked into his eyes, it was a whirlpool between pink and red. his eyes flickered, would then return to normal, only to flicker again in a quick repetition.

“right, i’m going to do something first to check what the hells going on with his eyes.” your dad muttered, to which you nodded vigorously.

your dad put his hands on katsuki’s head, muttering things in latin and before you knew it, katsuki passed out with a projection of his soul coming out of his body, his resting face was a scowl so you knew this was the orginal katsuki.

“y/n l/n, i am going to fucking murder you when i get back. i swear, ill make you suffer.” katsuki’s soul seethed as he turned to face you.

“shit, katsuki, im so sorry! i really-“

“you fucking embarrassed me for weeks! everyone sees me as this stupid lover boy that’s obsessed over you.” katsuki’s seethed yelled back, his voice having a slight echo.

“oh get over yourself katsuki’s, is being seen in love with me that torturous for you?” you rolled your eyes.

“that’s not the fucking issue and you know it.” katsuki’s angrily replied.

you looked at him skeptically, was that a confession? or did he simply mean he doesn’t care that much about what other people think about you two? either way sounds to have romantic connotations.

“then what is?” you asked.

“the fact- you know what, fuck this. get me out and lemme talk to her fact to face, old man.” katsuki looked at your dad as he responded.

“old man is crazy considering im your crushes father but whatever.” you father muttered immaturely.

katsuki looked slightly flustered as he said that, turning to face you and see your reaction only to still look skeptical.

your father then sent his soul into his body and started the ritual through putting a glass charm of a heart onto katsuki’s chest and hovering his hands while a soft glow emmitted from it.

“this doesn’t usually happen you know, once you do a love spell, that’s it, it cannot be broken unless powerful mages or the person itself have the power to stop it.” your dad explained.

“then why does-“

“because, for some reason, his soul and body rejected it. i don’t know how it worked, he clearly already had feelings for you, otherwise the spell wouldn’t have worked so quickly and so powerfully, but his soul was constantly fighting the spell. his spirit was simply too strong compared to the dosage you gave him, and trust me, i can sense that it was a lot.” you dad further explained.

you looked at him and started to understand. katsuki has always been a fighter, it makes sense that his spirit too also wanted to fight.

but, this whole thing about feelings. you knew he had them for you beforehand. you’re just so confused why he never told you? why he flirted with that second year that practically started it all? why he always seemed to make you a second choice?

the sound of a crack broke you out of your thoughts, you looked and saw that heart chart was broken - indicating that the love spell was broken.

katsuki’s eyes fluttered awake, he started to wake up as small groans escaped his lips. with his true soul being dormant for a while, it felt weird finally seeing things with his own eyes rather than was felt like to be a glass mirror.

“katsuki..” you said softly, getting up to walk up to him.

“fuck, i- i need to go for a drive.” katsuki suddenly spoke, his nerves for some reason shot through the roof, and so he sped to the hallway, grabbed his keys and immediately left.

you called out for him, but he has no response, marching his way to his car and driving off quickly.

“leave him, he will come back, don’t worry.” you father advised you.

you sighed, you knew he would, katsuki never left forever. but it sucked that the first time in a while you were seeing him again, he did what he always did and ran from his emotions.

you just hoped that when he came back, a different song would play for you two.

[l-egionaire]

My Warrior Penelope AU: Betrayal

The day that Penelope had returned had been one filled with the blood of would be assasins; the tears of the reunited royal family and the cheers of the people at their queens return.

The night of that day.....was filled with work.

In his years at home, after his health failed and his mentor and son helped him realize why, Odysseus had kept a close eye on castle staff. Would listen in when the maids huddled together after bringing him food, took notice of which cooks examined him with knowing eyes whenever he came down to the kitchen under the guise of being unable to resist the delicious smells. Observed which members of his council would have their faces flicker with disssapointnent when he entered into the meeting room claiming to wish to check on his son. He'd noticed it all. And now, it was time to put it to work.

By the next morning, over two dozen members of the staff and kings council, including maids, cooks, and nobleman were brought into the throne room in shackles and chains, the hall filled with the other members of the staff. At the very end of the room sat the King and Queen, the prince standing on his father's left side. The queen still wore the blood-stained armor and torn clothes from yesterday. All three glared down at the bound group in disgust.

One noble rose from the ground.

"You're majesty! Wh-what is the meaning of this? To be suddenly chained up and taken away in the middle of the night!? I demand an explanation.

Oddyseus gave him a hard scowl.

"You know full well why you're here. But if you insist on continuing your trickery, very well. I'll tell you."

He snapper his fingers and some of the servants brought out numerous books, letters, and scraps of paper and displayed them to the others. They contained writings detailing their plans to poison the king, the dosages they gave him to keep it a slow process, the contact they kept with one another to moniter his health, the confused correspondences when he began to recover, alternative solutions and-Odysseus's stomach had turned when he'd read this-plots for Odysseus's assassination plans to capture Telemachus once he'd returned and kill him, then discard his remains into the ocean and claim he'd been lost at sea.

"You all plotted against me, against my son. Against this very kingdom. And for this disgusting attempt at a coup.....I sentence all of you to EXECUTION.

All of the chained people gasped, and their faces paled. One maid wept and, in spite of her heavy chains, threw herself at the king and queens feet.

"NO! Please! Your majestic, this-this is clearly all some sort of mistake! I beg of you! Have mercy on-!

"MERCY?" The queen hissed those words quietly like a snake, then rose from her seat and came over to pick the maid up by her neck and roared the words again. "MERCY?!

She threw the maid back into the lineup of captured servants and walked over to them all. Then, she untied the two bone Labrys hanging from her waist.

She rose them in the air and then-

THUNK!

"My mercys been CRUSHED for years."

THUNK!

"Stomped underfoot in a cave alone."

THUNK!

"And I was filled with rageful tears, when I'd returned and seen what you'd done to my home!

THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!

"You conspired to kill my son. *THUNK!* You bastards POISONED my husband! *THUNK!* All of you are going to die! HERE and NOW, Your treachery ends!"

THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!

The walls of the palace once again filled with blood, the floor filling up with the heads of the conspiracies Penelope had sliced off one by one.

The remaining ones all looked in fear at the queen, standing before them stained in red and holding the head of the first maid.

"You filled my heart with hate....all of you, who've hurt my family, THIS shall be your fate!

And she brought down her axes on the rest of the group, ending their lives and punishing them for the betrayal of her family.

(The indented words indicate that part is being sung.)

[corroded-hellfire]

Sniffles and Snuggles - Eddie Munson x Reader

An As You Wish story

Collaboration with my dear @munson-blurbs 💕

Older!eddie edit by the lovely @eddiemunsons-missingnipple

Summary: When your baby girl wakes up sick, her daddy is there to take care of her

Note: The thought of Eliza being all clingy to Eddie because she doesn’t feel well and just wants her daddy inspired this so I hope you enjoy the thoughts that just pop into my head

Words: 4k

[As You Wish Masterlist]

A familiar cry wakes you from your slumber. It’s muffled—coming from down the hall. Your eyes open in the darkness of your bedroom. Glancing over at the window you see the slightest gray creeping into the blackness of night. Morning must be rolling around you surmise as you stretch your arms out above your head. The cry sounds again and you stare up at your ceiling while you wait to see if it’s going to continue or not. There have been times where Eliza has woken up, cried out a few times simply because she wanted attention, then let it go. 

Eddie’s fast asleep next to you, turned your way, giving you a clear view of the drool dribbling out of the corner of his mouth. A soft chuckle falls out of you as you trail your gaze down to see your husband’s bare chest slowly moving up and down with his steady breaths. Another cry from your daughter breaks your focus on your sexy man though, and you push yourself out of bed to go see what’s bothering her. 

The closer you get to Eliza’s room, you can hear the different noises she’s making. These aren’t just the typical cries she sometimes has in the middle of the night. There’s whining and a whimpering that’s breaking your heart. 

“Hey, what’s going on in here?” 

As soon as you see your one-year-old you know something is up. Her cheeks are flushed and her brown curls are matted to her forehead in sweat. She’s holding onto the bars of her crib like she’s an inmate begging to be freed from their jail cell. The moment her eyes land on you, the whining picks up and she’s scrambling for your attention. 

“What’s wrong, Sweet Pea?” you ask.

Not even making an attempt at the few words she knows how to say, Eliza simply raises her arms for you to pick her up. The heat radiating off of her little body in its pink onesie is evident the moment your hands are on her. Frowning, you hold her against your chest and gently press your lips to her forehead. 

“Oh, you’re burning up, baby. Is someone not feeling well?” Eliza buries her head in your neck, and you have your answer. “Come on, you. Let’s take some medicine that’ll help you feel better.”

Intermittent sniffles come from the baby as you walk with her into the kitchen. The medicines are kept on a high shelf and there’s no way you’ll be able to rummage for what you’re looking for with your daughter in your arms. Luckily, her Disney Princess highchair is only a few feet away and you move to set her down in it. This elicits an immediate negative reaction from Eliza. 

“It’s just for a second, sweetheart. Give Mommy one moment to find your medicine.” She clings to you as you try to place her in the chair, but a couple of kisses to the head and whispered assurances that you’re not going anywhere have her finally releasing her vice grip on you. As you watch her slump to the side in her seat, eyes glazed over and staring somewhere in the distance, you think her lack of strength or energy also contributed to her finally letting you go. 

The children’s Tylenol is easily findable, and you pour some of the thick berry flavored syrup into a small dosage cup. Eliza eyes it warily, as if already knowing that she’s not going to like it. She wrinkles her nose up as the blue medicine comes closer to her and her whines start up again. 

“This is going to help you feel better, my love. I promise.” You can’t blame Eliza for her cranky attitude, but you just wish she’d believe you and take the medicine without issue. But since when do children behave that way? Especially the children of Eddie Munson. 

“Come on,” you say as you set the little cup on the tray of her highchair. “It’ll be over really quick. You might even like how it tastes.” 

After a few more whiny protests and some cranky writhing in her seat, Eliza stares down at the liquid that might give her some relief. You’re pretty sure you can see the resignation in her brown eyes as gazes at the medicine.

“Here we go.” You lift the small cup up to her lips—which she begrudgingly opens—and tilt it up so the Tylenol pours into her mouth. The moment it’s all swallowed and Eliza closes her mouth, her face scrunches up in revulsion and she shakes her head. It doesn’t seem right to laugh when your daughter is feeling so lousy, but you can’t help but let out a chuckle at her visceral reaction to the taste. “Why don’t we watch a movie, huh? One of your favorites.”

Eliza’s body heat takes you by surprise again as you lift her from her chair. Her head lolls onto your shoulder as you walk into the living room and snatch up the movie on the top of the pile. The Little Mermaid disc isn’t in the case, and it doesn’t shock you at all. It’s probably already in the player, all ready to go. 

You scoop up the remote on the way to the couch and click on the television. Eliza’s curls tickle your chin as you hit the buttons that will lead you to the DVD screen. As suspected, The Little Mermaid is in there and ready to be watched for the thousandth time. 

“Here we go,” you say, snuggling into the couch with her. “Let’s watch Ariel, yeah?” You’re hoping that the medicine will allow her to get some more sleep. The way she holds herself to your body lets you know she wants to be cuddled. Adjusting yourself so that it’s comfortable for the both of you, you lean back and kick your feet up on the coffee table, allowing Eliza to use your torso as her bed. Her big eyes turn towards the television at the familiar sounds of her favorite movie. One of your hands goes to her tiny back, rubbing reassuring and calming circles, while the other gently strokes her soft downy hair. 

You’re fighting sleep when you hear the heavy-footed sound of Eddie padding out to the living room. His hair is a mess, curls askew, and he scratches at his stubble as he yawns. 

“What’re my sweet girls doing up at this hour?” he asks softly, re-tying the strings of his plaid pajama pants. 

You return his yawn with a weary smile. “Someone is sick and spiked a fever, so I’m just laying with her until the Tylenol kicks in,” you explain, kissing your baby’s sweaty curls. 

Eddie looks at you, kindness and empathy still radiating from his tired eyes. “Babe, you look exhausted.” He leans down to try and take Eliza from your embrace, frowning when you pull back. “Let me help.”

“S’okay, Eds. I got it.” 

“But you need to sleep so you can go to work tomorrow,” he protests. 

Noting that you’re distracted by the conversation at hand, Eliza takes advantage and wriggles from your grasp. She plops her head down on a nearby pillow and almost immediately falls asleep, congested snores emanating from her tiny nostrils. 

You furrow your brow, lowering your voice so you don’t disturb your daughter’s slumber. “No, I’m staying home with her. You go into work.”

“I have more vacation days saved up,” he points out, holding out his arms. “Hand me the child and go back to bed.”

You give in, too tired to argue further, kissing him and Eliza before trudging back to bed. You look over your shoulder before you head down the hall, back to your bedroom. Eddie has made himself comfortable on one side of the couch, placing a throw pillow on his lap. He carefully maneuvers Eliza so she can curl up in the same position, rubbing gentle circles on her back to try and break up some of the congestion. It’s not his first rodeo with a sick kid, and based on his older children’s experiences, it won’t be his last. 

When your alarm goes off an hour later, you feel anything but rested. Your muscles ache as your body all but begs for more sleep, but you try to shove away the discomfort with a warm shower. It helps somewhat, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t almost fall asleep standing up. 

The family room is quiet; the only sound is the soft hum of the DVD player whirring, the movie long over. Eddie is sprawled out on the couch, his long limbs flung in every direction over the furniture like an overgrown starfish. Eliza, always one to copy her daddy, is spread out on top of his chest.  They’re both snoring, though you truly can’t be sure which one of them is louder. 

Trying to make the least amount of noise possible, you head into the kitchen and prepare breakfast for yourself and the boys. You know the drill by now: cereal for Ryan, Eggos for Luke. This particular morning though, you don’t think you’ll be able to ingest anything other than a large cup of coffee. 

The ringing of two alarm clocks faintly reaches you in the kitchen. Knowing it takes both of them a minute—or a few in Luke’s case—to get out of bed, you know you have time to finish prepping the food before you head down the hall to intercept them. You have to inform them that on this side of the house there are two sleeping beauties currently sawing wood. 

“Hey,” you say in a hushed tone as you meet up with the boys in front of their rooms. “Daddy and Eliza are sleeping on the couch. You have to be quiet, okay?”

“Good morning to you, too,” Ryan grumbles, rubbing his left eye with the heel of his hand. Sometimes his preteen moments popped up when you were least able to handle them. 

“Why are they on the couch?” Luke asks, voice lower for him, but still a bit loud. 

“Eliza isn’t feeling well, and they must’ve fallen asleep waiting for her medicine to kick in,” you explain. 

“Is she okay?” Ryan asks.

“She’s fine, sweetie. Just some sniffles,” you tell him. “Now come on, your breakfasts are ready.”

Most of breakfast manages to go smoothly and quietly, until Luke drops his fork on the ground, and it lands on the linoleum with a definitive clang. Your second oldest winces as he turns to you. “Sorry,” he silently mouths. Honestly, you had expected him to make a bigger noise than that at some point, so this is nothing. 

Once they finish their breakfast, you usher the boys down the hall and tell them to get ready for school. You finish getting ready for work as well. It’s hard to focus on doing your hair or finding a pair of shoes when you know your baby girl is sick in the other room. But you know she’ll be fine; she’s with Eddie. Super Dad. Being a mom came with a boatload of anxieties, but Eddie always managed to make everything better and less stressful. You joke to him all the time that some magic must’ve rubbed off on him after all the times he’s played D&D throughout his life. 

You finish getting ready the same time the boys do, and you see them slipping on their backpacks in the family room. They make no noise, yet their presence in the room must have been enough because both Eddie and Eliza stir from their nap. 

“How are you feeling, Eliza?” Ryan asks, tone still soft and low. 

His baby sister’s only response is to heave an overdramatic sigh, very reminiscent of her father. 

“Feel better!” Luke chirps with far too much enthusiasm. 

With an irritated whine, Eliza puts her hands over her tiny ears at her brother’s loud volume. She buries her face in Eddie’s chest, signaling that the conversation with her siblings is over. Eddie uses one hand to caress his daughter's brown locks, hoping it will calm and relax her, and waves to his sons with the other. 

“Have a good day at school, guys,” he tells them. The two of them wave back and say their goodbyes before they head out the front door to get to their bus stop down on the corner of the street. 

It’s your turn to leave now and you really don’t want to. This is the hardest you’ve ever had to push yourself to get out of the house and go to work. A restless night’s sleep or a massive headache making you not want to go in is nothing compared to knowing your child is home sick. 

Once you have everything ready to go, you walk over and lean down to press a kiss to Eddie’s forehead.

“I gotta go now, baby. But I don’t wanna.” You give him the most adorable pout that has a smile lighting up his tired face. 

“I’ll hold down the fort,” he tells you. “Have a good day at work. Though it won’t be as amazing as Eliza-Daddy Day.”

“I’m very jealous that I don’t get to be a part of it.” You smile down at your daughter, who has fallen back asleep, and admire the adorable features that she’s inherited from the both of you. “I’ll see you guys later. I love you.”

“We love you too, baby. I love you more, though. But don’t tell Eliza I said that; she’s a very territorial little girl.” 

Chuckling, you lean down and press one more kiss to your husband’s lips. “Bye, baby.”

Eddie dozes on and off as he stays as still as possible on the couch so as not to wake the baby. It’s certainly not the most comfortable position, but he’ll be damned if his daughter is awake because of him. He keeps one hand on her back; she’s so little underneath it, and he’s suddenly overcome with a fierce urge to protect her. 

Eliza eventually wakes up around lunchtime, tears immediately springing to her eyes. Her face crumples when she tries to breathe in through her nose and realizes that she can’t. 

Eddie sits up a bit straighter, keeping his daughter close to his chest. “How ya feeling, baby girl?”

“Uck,” she grunts out, swiping messily at her runny nose. 

“Are you hungry?” Eddie asks before deciding for her. “You need to eat something.”

He picks her up and starts to set her in a flowery pink baby walker—surprisingly, Luke had been the one to pick it out at Babies R Us—but Eliza is in no mood to be put down. She lets out a whine that sounds more like a shriek. 

Eddie winces at the piercing noise, instinctively bringing her against his chest again. “Hey, hey, what is it?” he softly asks, but she just whimpers and hides her face in his neck. 

“Dada.”

“Sweet pea, I was just gonna go into the kitchen to get us some lunch,” he tries to explain, knowing full well that it’s next to useless. “You’ll be able to see me the whole time.”

Eliza shakes her head against his body and sniffles pathetically. “Nooooo. Dada!”

Eddie sighs, giving in to the prospect that the two of them will be attached at the hip all day. “Okay, Lize, you can come with me,” he acquiesces. “We can make a mess of the kitchen together.” He lowers his voice before adding, “just don’t tell Mommy.”

He makes two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with one hand, the other holding on to Eliza’s diapered butt while he works “And they said I had no talent. Ha.”

“Goo Dada.”

Eddie’s glad he understands her normal baby talk enough, because interpretation is even harder now that she’s congested. 

“I did good? Why, thank you.” He hands her a piece of sandwich and she immediately drops it on the ground. 

“Eliza!”

She crosses her tiny arms and twists her whole body back and forth in protest. “Ucky.”

“Lize, you love peanut butter—”

“UCKY!”

“Okay, no peanut butter for you today,” Eddie mutters, shoving half a sandwich in his mouth. “Let’s see what else we got.”

There isn’t a whole lot in the freezer, but Eddie spots a box of frozen Italian ice cups and pulls it out. He flips the lid open and purses his lips when he only sees a few yellow cups inside. 

“Guess your brothers ate all the cherry ones,” he grumbles as he rummages through the box, just to make sure he didn’t miss a red one. “Looks like we just have lemon left.” He makes an unamused face, but Eliza reaches out and grabs it anyway. “You want—y’know what? Sure.”

Eddie grabs a spoon from the utensil drawer and uses his foot to pull Eliza’s high chair over to the kitchen table—lest they be too far apart from each other and Eliza gets all fussy again. She willingly complies since she sees her Daddy will be sitting right in front of her. He pops open the lid of the frozen treat and sets it on the tray in front of her.

“All right, this is gonna be sour,” he warns, but she still eagerly accepts the bite. 

Her lips pucker immediately, her nose scrunching up like a bunny at the strange sensation on her tongue. 

Eddie lets out a laugh at the adorable and hilarious expression on her little face. “I told you! You want that sandwich now?”

Face still pinched up, Eliza vehemently shakes her head. 

“Mo!” Eliza stretches out her hand towards the cup.

“I’ll be damned,” Eddie muses, but he obliges. She makes the same expression with each bite, but she eats nearly half of the serving before declaring, “no mo!”

Eddie gets Eliza cleaned up, not worrying about the mess in the kitchen right now. He’ll take care of it later, as he’s sure the sick girl will take many naps today.  

He picks his daughter up out of her highchair and holds her on his hip. “Whatcha wanna do now?”

Eliza lets out a wet little baby cough and gives a shake of her head. 

“You don’t know?” Eddie asks. “Hmm. Ah, I’ve got it.”

He stands up, balancing Eliza on his side. She lays her head on his shoulder while he walks into her princess-themed room, using his elbow to flick on the overhead light. 

“Okay,” he says, kissing her temple, “let’s see what we’ve got.” He quickly scans the little bookshelf next to her bed to find her favorite story. With a triumphant grin, he plucks The Poky Little Puppy from its spot. 

He tucks himself into the rocking chair, settling in and shifting his daughter into his lap. Reaching behind him, he grabs the bright pink throw blanket and drapes it over her, digging his toes into the carpet to gently sway back and forth. 

Eliza is enraptured by her dad reading her favorite book to her, eyes wide as she clings to every syllable. She usually falls asleep to it, conditioned from countless nights where it’s been used as a bedtime story, but she’s still fresh from her nap. Besides, she’s having too much fun with this daddy-daughter bonding to be sleepy. 

She only gets fussy again once Eddie closes the book, her symptoms more prominent without the distraction of Eddie’s story-telling skills. 

“I think it’s time for another dose of medicine, baby girl,” Eddie whispers, trying to appear enthusiastic despite his own waning energy levels.

She downs the syrup easily, so out of sorts that she doesn’t even process its rancid taste until after it’s done. Eddie laughs at her contorted face, plopping down on the couch. “All right, my brave little girl,” he says as he grabs the remote, “what should we watch?”

The mere question brings a tiny spark to Eliza’s eyes, giving her just enough energy to bounce in her dad’s lap and point at the TV. “Mermah!”

“The Little Mermaid again?”

Eliza nods and Eddie internally groans. It’s a cute movie, but he’s pretty sure he could recite it line for line at this point. 

“Okay, let’s go under the sea,” he says as he starts the movie from the beginning, settling in to listen to Sebastian belt out “Under the Sea” for the umpteenth time. 

Still curled up into his chest, no indication of moving anytime soon, Eliza wipes her runny nose on her dad’s t-shirt. She doesn’t take her eyes off of the screen as she rubs her nose against the soft cotton with a sniffle. 

“Thanks, kid.”

“Welcuh.”

Eliza settles her head on the middle of her father’s chest and watches the different colored fish and sea life all gather together at the concert for King Triton. Eddie doesn’t really pay attention, mostly just focusing on how the little girl’s breathing is sounding and trying to keep her body supported up against his. 

But Eddie’s ears perk up when a familiar little voice joins in with the singing on screen. Ariel is singing “Part of Your World” and there’s a small, congested mumble singing alongside her. Eddie grins to himself as he listens to his daughter’s rendition. 

“Schingamabobs? Gots twenny. Bu’ who cawes? No bih deal. I wan’ mooooooo.”

All the times Eddie insisted on singing to Eliza while she was in your womb have seemed to pay off. She’s a little musical prodigy after his own heart. 

“You wanna be a mermaid, Lize?” Eddie asks her softly. She nods in response, never taking her eyes off of the television screen. 

Eddie half-heartedly watches the movie with her from that point forward. When it comes to the scene of Ariel using a fork as a comb for her hair at the dinner table, Eliza reaches up and begins to play with her own hair. Silky brown curls slip through her little fingers as she absentmindedly strokes her locks. Eddie would love to know what’s going on inside her head right now. Is she thinking of trying to use a fork as a comb? When Eliza brings a few pieces of her hair in front of her face to study, Eddie has another thought. He wonders if she wants to have the same red hair as her favorite Disney princess. To show her that he loves her hair just the way it is, Eddie presses a few soft kisses to the top of her head. 

As the movie progresses, Eliza becomes stiller on Eddie’s chest, and she’s not made a peep in a while. Her father watches her tiny back move up and down and sees it’s going in a slow, steady rhythm. As if to further prove his suspicion that she’s asleep, the sounds of her stuffy snores reach Eddie’s ears, making him smile. 

Eliza stirs a bit, wiggling around in an attempt to get comfortable in a new position. Eddie gently wraps his arm around her to rub her little back in calming circles. Within seconds, she’s out like a light again. 

“Daddy’s always gonna be here for you, Liza Bean,” he murmurs against her scalp, sweaty from fever. He takes a deep breath and settles in. 

Neither he nor Eliza wake when you return home, both of them sound asleep on the couch. The kitchen is a mess; there’s a random piece of sandwich on the floor and a melted lemon Italian ice on the table, but clean-up can wait for a moment. 

You watch the two of them breathe in tandem, heart soaring at the way your daughter curls up into her dad with all the love and trust in the world. 

Fatherhood looks perfect on him, you think, but wrinkle your nose upon further inspection, but the booger stains on his shirt definitely do not. 

[trans-axolotl]

I think the reason psychosis is always viewed as a crisis by non-schizo effected people is cause neurotypical people are always told and believe that an episode of psychosis is the most terrifying thing that could happen. Like at least from my experience, descriptions, talks, and depictions of psychosis is AS something that's deathly scary to not know (and assumably never again know) what's real and what isn't, some depictions showing any episodes as worse than death. Like obviously that's not true but it stays with people; the telling of "it's the worst thing that could ever happen everytime" and definitely made the first few times I dealt with psychosis and hallucinations a lot worse and a lot scarier

yeah! so much of the messaging around psychosis and schizophrenia is so fucking dangerous because of the way it continually reinforces these ideas that psychosis is always terrifying, life-ending, and the worst case scenario. like that can have materially dangerous impacts on the lives of people living with psychosis/altered states. i think that kind of stigmatizing messaging about psychosis really demobilizes people in our communities and convinces people that they don't have the capability to support their loved ones with psychosis, and instead creates this idea that "professionals" are the only ones who could ever actually support someone through psychosis. and that leads to so much more forced institutionalization, pathologization, violence towards people experiencing psychosis, and just really a lack of the kind of proactive community support that could actually help prevent some kinds of crisis and distress.

i think it also makes it really hard for us, when we start experiencing psychosis/altered states for the first time, because there's really no framework for us to understand and cope with our experiences beyond just "this is the worst thing ever and there's no options for me." i think it creates a lot of forced shame and secrecy, as well as pushing a lot of us into more intense crisis because we have nowhere to go to get support. and like, when you google this half the shit that comes up tells you to call 911 immediately, and when you're someone who can't do that because it's dangerous for you, you're just left with no fucking options or getting pushed into treatment options that don't respect your autonomy.

i wish there was a lot more recognition that psychosis/altered states are something that can happen to anyone, and actually do happen to a lot more people to varying degrees and in different contexts. that psychosis is something that it is possible to live fulfilling and meaningful lives with. that you don't need to be an expert to support someone living with psychosis/altered states. and that there is so many ways of living with psychosis, and that antipsychotics and therapy are not the only options, and should never be a forced option. i also have so many thoughts about how desperately we need informed consent for antipsychotic medications and how fucking mad i am about the amount of information that is withheld from psychotic people about the side effects of our meds, the withdrawal experience, dosages, other options, etc etc etc.

anyway i just really recommend that everyone, whether you're someone who experiences psychosis/altered states or not, learns more about psychosis and do the work to challenge all these internalized myths we learn from society and the psych system. i highly recommend checking out the hearing voices network, and also really recommend Project LETS anticarceral altered states training to learn more ways to help support yourself and your loved ones.

thanks for this ask, i really agree with what you're saying!

[jellycrusher]

Wolves and Lambs: Part 4

Alpha Max Verstappen x Omega fem!driver

Genre: Series, Omega verse, Enemies to Lovers, Romance, Eventual smut

Summary: Male Alphas are the ones who dominate motor sports all around the world, especially Formula 1. It is a well known fact. Females in general nor Female Omegas are never heard nor encouraged to join the sport since the 1950s. Well, up until now...

Word Count: 5.8k

Chapter's Premise: y/n finds herself trying to come to terms on who she is and how she avoided her heat for so long.

Parts: W&L masterlist / general masterlist

"You heard the doctor. You have to stop taking your suppressants for a while." Megan takes the prescription sheet from your hands and shoves it in her bag.

Both of you just came out from the doctor's office. Megan was meticulous in giving you a disguise just in case anyone is going to spot you. You put your head down and hide in your little canopy of protection, your Aston Martin hat. A bit obvious but it's the only one you have at the moment.

"I can't. If it comes during a race weekend, I'm dead." You reply as you walk side by side with Megan, confined by the hospital walls.

"Ay Dios Mio. Your constant intake of suppressants may be the reason why you haven't had your first heat yet at 25 years old. We don't know if there's gonna be negative side effects on your health." Megan tries her best to whisper under her breath.

"Hey, that's not proven." You halt in your steps and turn to her, lifting your head up to face her.

"But the doc says it may be a factor. You can't keep it hidden forever. It has to come sooner or later. If it comes biting your ass, don't come running to me for help."

"I don't want to be confined on what biology or society dictates me to be. I want to prove to everyone first what I can do and who I am." You continue to walk.

"I understand. I just don't want something bad to happen to you." She groaned.

"Fine. If I win a race, then i'll start tapering my dosage. I'll let it come when it wants to come."

"When you win a podium, not a race. Better odds."

"Fine. A podium."

You felt like you've been basking in the sun, warm against your skin. You didn't want to look at yourself. For every second after that encounter in the elevator until now that you've stayed frozen behind the door of your room, everything was silent.

Your body was fighting your mind. You didn't want this. For so many years, your family and friends, who knew what you really are, told you that we're all bound to meet our mate. We'll know when we meet them.

No. You don't want to. Maybe just not right now. Yes, it's romantic to see couples who are mated and are having the time of their lives. But what if they fell for another person before they met their mate? And what if they refuse their Alpha? What would happen?

Right now, you just want to succeed in this career first. Call yourself stupid for going against your biological desires but there's a lot riding on this. Your parents sacrificed a lot just to get where you are right now. You want to prove that Omegas can also achieve greatness. Female Omegas can also stand in the halls of the greats.

Maybe you're just stubborn. Meeting your mate wouldn't be the end of the world. If you give in, you won't lose anything. Maybe.

Maybe you're just overthinking. Maybe you're being too stubborn.

Max is not a bad person. You've said it yourself before. He is actually a decent guy. Well, just from your text messages but there were no deep conversations yet. You don't love him to see him as your mate. You might learn to love him but it doesn't feel right for your feelings to be swayed just because your biological desires him so.

You barely slept a wink last night. The inkling that bothered you for a few weeks now since the first race have just been confirmed, and the fact that Max left you a lot of messages that you haven't read yet made your mind in a state of disarray.

Megan barged in your room to wake you up. She even had to throw the covers off the bed and furiously opened the curtains, blinding you with the beaming sun. You groan hard as she pulls you out of the comfort of your bed.

"I can't believe this. We're late! Ay Santo Dios..." Megan continued to mention a lot of words that you were not familiar with as she looks at your commitments for the day from her phone screen.

It only took a few moments and the both of you are now on your merry way to the circuit with you being the driver. Megan was still very furious at you for you haven't given her a reason for your tardiness. At the same time, your phone was still blowing up from Max's messages.

"I've had it with your ringtone. I'll set it to silent." Megan pulls your phone from the center console and sees '50 messages' beside the name 'He Who Must Be Avoided At All Times' on the screen.

"It's fine, leave it." You're barely able to look at Megan because you had to focus on the road.

"Who's this? Is there a guy bothering you? Stalking you?!" she asks.

"No. Just leave it." With eyes still glued to the road, you try to yank the phone off her hands.

"Tell me. Is it a stalker?! 'Cause if it is, i'll kill him." She warned.

"Please no. Relax, it's not a stalker." You assured in a calm tone as she hands the phone to you.

"Y/N. If you're in a dangerous situation and you're not telling me, your mom will kill me." She appealed.

Well, that's not impossible. These two are overprotective.

"Megan..." You paused. Megan patiently waits for your answer as you drum your fingers anxiously on the wheel. "It's Max."

"Oh, Max... Wait, who's Max? from Red Bull?" Megan rambles. "Why? Did he do anything to you?"

"He did nothing. It's just.. He found out last night that I was an Omega. I've been avoiding his texts since then." You confessed, tightening your grip on the wheel.

"How? You were always careful."

"That's the thing. I was. I'm still on my suppressants." You gently scratch the surface of the wheel. "Remember when you told me how you met your husband? Your mate?"

"Yes." Megan now replied slowly, now under a notion at where the conversation is going. "Oh my god! Is he..?"

"I think so." you confessed.

Megan was about to shriek from joy but she stopped for she knew how you would respond. For her, it sounds romantic. For you, it's not. She can't count how many times your rejected the idea of having a biological mate. It wasn't against the law of anybody to love somebody else aside your fated mate but for your body to act against your will regardless of what you feel. That's what you dislike about it.

"I still have to talk to him about it. I can't have him blabbering to everyone on the grid." You added. "Let's take this one step at a time."

"You still have a race later. Better focus on that first." She replies as she takes off her seatbelt when you arrived at the car park in the circuit.

Megan hauled you to the team hospitality to prepare you for the drivers' briefing. When you arrived at the briefing hall, majority of the drivers were already seated and the team principals were standing around in a circle, chatting. You stood by the door looking for an empty seat to take when you saw Charles, Oscar, and Lando calling you to take the seat they reserved for you on the third row. Your feet took a few steps when a hand suddenly but gently caught your wrist.

"We need to talk. You've been ignoring my texts." Max urged, eyes dead straight at you.

"Max, not here. Later." You scan the room for any eyes or ears that might eavesdrop as you carefully remove his hand from you.

Max takes a second to compose himself then tugs his hand through his hair. "Fine. Sit with me then."

"I'll choose my own seat. Thank you." You replied as you walk away from him, not giving him enough time to add more. Max's hand hovered uncertainly as if to stop you but he lets his hand limp

You strut farther into the hall and the three men gave you space to stride along the third row to take your seat between Charles and Oscar. Max took an empty seat on the first row beside Checo. He can't help but steal some glances in your direction during the driver's briefing.

It was hard to ignore Max as well. One good thing that your incident with Max has caused is that his scent doesn't make you cower in fear anymore. Knowing the reason why the dynamics between the two of you had changed, you mentally slap your pheromone-disturbed self from inhaling his lingering scent.

His scent wasn't really distinct before. For you, it was associated with fear or something menacing, but now he smelled so crisp like Cotton and sweet like baked Tangerine. Being that close to each other gave you a chance to actually distinguish his scent. Just remembering Max's small sniffs on your neck makes your body squirm, in a good way. It was nice and comforting. But it also felt sensual.

Alpha smells so good. Let's smell him once more. You mentally slap yourself once more, shaking off the tiny voice from your inner Omega in your head.

"I heard from Lance that you're moving. Where will you stay?" Charles' voice took you out from your trance just as the drivers' briefing just ended.

"In Monaco. It being a tax-free haven sounds enticing." you replied in glee knowing that it was the Monegasque who asked you.

Noticing the other younger drivers to turn to you after hearing your response, it took a moment for you to remember that a number of them were living there.

Lando perks up, legs bouncing. He leans forward and peeked his head across Oscar. "Do you know how to play Padel?" you shake your head. "We'll teach you. We had been waiting for another member to join our little club."

"He just wants to have the bragging right when he defeats all of us." Oscar chuckled, arms crossed on his chest.

"He even almost made Max cry. Have some mercy on all of us, will you?" Charles adds, further teasing Lando.

"I'll tell you when I've settled in. Maybe a housewarming lunch or dinner sounds good?" You ask. Lando quickly taps Alex's shoulder to tell him about your new residence and a possibility of a new member for their F1 drivers-exclusive Padel Club.

"I'm going to tour you to some of the best places. You still owe me a car ride." Charles couldn't help but smile at you, already making up a list in his mind.

When the briefing ended, all of the drivers went their own way back to their hospitalities. At the corner of your eyes, you saw Max hurriedly stood up from his seat on the first row and was about to make his way towards you. He noticed the miniscule squirm your body did when your eyes met. You almost panic in your seat but he came to an abrupt stop when he saw Megan pull you away.

Max tried his best to look for a chance to talk to you, much to his dismay. There wasn't much time for each of the drivers to get to interact with each other, especially during race day. After some of his media commitments in the morning were done, he went to visit the Aston Martin hospitality. He comes up to the small ledge when he saw Lance chatting with some of the staff.

"Hey Lance." Lance gets up from his seat when he noticed Max and greets him with a one-armed hug and a double backslap. "Have you seen y/n?"

"I think Sky Sports has her for an interview, I think. You know, the usual." Lance replies as he sits down. Max groans go unnoticed.

"Do you know when she might be free? I need to talk to her." Max asks as he leans his hand on the ledge.

"Maybe after the race? Her schedule's so full today. Haven't even seen her stay here in the hospitality for more than 15 minutes. Megan even got her shooting a lot of content for our Tiktok account."

"Megan?" Max quirks up his eyebrow.

"Speaking of..." Lance chimed in as he spots Megan behind Max, about to walk inside. "Megan!" She stops and turns to Lance's direction. "He's looking for y/n." He points at Max and Megan's eyes follow.

Megan thought differently when she saw Max right there, comfortably leaning on the ledge. It was in her overprotective instinct to assume that Max might possibly be a snitch or asking anyone in the team regarding what you are. She walks up to Max and asked him to come with her, already walking away without waiting for a response. Max was confused at first but did not hesitate to follow behind.

Max and Megan comes to a halt in an empty corner in the paddock, away from prying eyes.

"What are you doing?" Megan snaps around and narrows her eyes at him, arms crossed on her chest.

"I was just asking for y/n." Max innocently confessed.

"Were you going to tell on her? I can't believe you." She leans forward as if interrogating the driver.

Max leans back, baffled by the sudden change in demeanor. "No. Of course not... Wait, you know?" He tries to whisper.

She tries to examine his face for a minute for any sign of a lie but relaxes when she felt that he was telling the truth. "Listen, Max. I know she's been avoiding you but I need her to be at her best today. She needs to be on that podium."

"Don't we all?" Max scoffs.

"No, you don't understand. I need her to be on the podium because her health is on the line. I've let her be stubborn for too long 'cause she's in love with racing too much but I finally had her to agree, at last. I don't know what's going on between the two of you but please don't distract her too much today." She pleads with a serious tone.

Max hated knowing that it wasn't his place to pry. All he wanted from you was answers but it seems that even more questions are piling up. What does she mean? Your health is on the line? Are you sick? Are you injured? How is it connected to you getting that podium?

His inner Alpha was trying to fight himself.

Our omega... She's hurt or sick. Ask for more information. No, we're clearly told to stay put. She's not ours. Isn't it clear that she's avoiding us? Than ask her directly. Let's smell her again. No. Just shut up. Stay.

"Understood?" Megan asserts herself, taking Max out of his trance.

"Yes ma'am."

Megan waited for a bit to see how Max would take their conversation but left quickly when she saw that people are now starting to crowd the paddock. Max stayed in that quiet corner for a few seconds before going out into the paddock. There he saw you, sitting just outside your team's hospitality with Alonso and surrounded by a few cameras and staff. Probably completing a challenge with your teammate. His eyes locked onto you, taking in your smile. It was invigorating for him to see you having fun.

He used to feel so foreign around you. When he sees you having fun with his friends, it irritated him. His face used to turn sour when Lando or Alex hype you up.

There was something about you that intrigues him. You weren't able to race with most of them back then. Charles was a bit familiar with you because you got to race alongside his brother. Oscar and Logan had only met you once or twice and they had raced with you in a few Grand Prix but usually a lot of drivers keep to themselves and stayed in their own garages.

Then there's the big elephant in the room. You were an Omega, no doubt. After the incident in the elevator, he did scour the internet after his haze faded when he got back in his room. There were only articles about you stating that you were an Alpha, your achievements in F2 and F3, and also the highlights of your racing career. No scandals, not much haters. There were no articles claiming you have a bad beef with any driver.

For a public personality, you kept pretty quiet. Maybe that's why no one has discovered your secret yet. But that would be an extreme feat. To conceal your identity. What about heats? The horrendous and taxing schedule of Formula 1 isn't really ideal for Omegas. He recalled when Lando had to deal with Oscar's heat every month. When they were still unmated, Lando had to tiptoe around Oscar and avoid him when his pheromones were on the highest setting. How the other drivers reacted to him when it came around race weekend. It took them at least 5 months to come to the truth that they needed each other.

It was a bit easier for Oscar because everyone knows that he is an Omega since the start. They knew they had to avoid him when Lando or Oscar gave them a heads up. It scares him thinking that it will be much harder for you but it was also amazing how good you hide it.

Questions for another day, he admits to himself.

You were having a blast going against Nando in a PR competition when you spot Max walking through the paddock. Your eyes met and it made you nervous that he might come up and wait for you but no, he avoided your eyes and continued to walk. Your eyes followed his figure, relieved but also worried. Fernando had to call your attention to continue the challenge.

Your PR and media commitments were finally done and then, there was the driver's parade. The crowds in the grandstands were almost full and it was deafening. Everyone was screaming each of the drivers' names when they were called and when it was your turn to be introduced, it was heartwarming to hear their warm welcome. A smile so wide painted your face as you greet the driver while stepping in the convertible car and sat on the surface of the rear end near the deck lid.

You waited for your car's cue to go but you see it got delayed. There were a slight commotion amongst the staff that were on standby on the track and they were pointing to something behind you. You turn around and they were checking the car behind yours that was supposed to be for Max. Apparently, the engine of his parade car won't start again.

Fernando's car already left way before you and also Checo's. The staff are now pointing at yours and you see that the people who were talking to Max assisted him to get off the car. They were ushering him to your direction. Someone slapped Max's car number onto the side of your convertible. You now realize that they're letting you and Max share a car so that this problem won't delay the program.

The car shook slightly as Max climbs up the convertible. Max sees you scooting to one side trying to avoid his eyes so he quietly sat down on the other side of the convertible's rear. Both of you started to wave to the crowd as the engine of the convertible purred. Max would steal a few glances when you're not looking. Your body was stiff and awkward, in contrast to what you were showing the crowd, smiling and waving.

"Relax. It's not like I bite." Max spoke up just loud enough for you to hear under all those noise. "Just concentrate on the race later or else, you'll be an easy target for these guys."

You snap your head around and glared at him. He had this smug smile while still waving. "They wish." You scoff.

With just a few words from him, you find your shoulders loosening up. Slightly offended by his insinuation but you knew that he was just riling you up. It was also surprising that Max didn't bother to disturb you since the briefing. You would be at shoulder's length but still, he'd just nod when your eyes met.

The drivers' parade ended quickly and every driver headed for their respective garages to prepare. You spent the remaining time training with your physio and getting enough rest. The last program was for the national anthem. You make your way onto the track and answered a few questions for a Sky Sports presenter who was roaming and interviewing some of the drivers. You stood behind a grid kid to take your place and kept quiet. Right before the anthem was played, you noticed the female grid kid trying to steal a look at you. You smile back at her and she quietly squealed as she swiftly face in front. When the anthem finished playing and as you follow the other drivers exiting the track, your grid kid raised her hand to request for a high five. You gladly pressed your palm on hers and the other grid kids also eagerly raised their hand as you pass by them, catching the attention of the other drivers and the cameras.

You find yourself gritting your teeth and hands clenching the wheel as you drive the car in your grid position at the track during the formation lap. You look up at the red lights above.

"It's lights out and away we go, here at the Jeddah Corniche Circuit! and it's Max Verstappen who takes the lead of the Saudi Arabian Grand Prix."

With a good reaction time, you were able to overtake three places from 15th. You were able to fend for your position well in those crucial first few laps of the race. You attacked, you defended, you attacked, you defended. It was a constant cycle.

Max, who had started in pole position, lost the lead to Charles on the third sector in the second lap, won it back by the fourth lap and slowly and methodically pulled away for his second win of the season.

It took you only eight laps to move into 10th place, and only eight more to rise to sixth. By the halfway point of the race, and helped by the fortuitous arrival of a safety car that allowed you to make up even more ground, you find yourself in fourth.

"Y/n had played down her chances of victory from the moment a broken drive shaft ended her qualifying early Saturday and left her in 15th place. But that did not mean she had any intention of staying in the back of the field. Look at her picking her way through the pack behind her with ease"

Your driving style was aggressive and clever, a total beast on the offence. The journalists have also made note of your tyre preservation prowess. They have published a few articles after the first race mentioning that with your pairing with Alonso this year, Aston Martin can gain considerable confidence that it will be regularly able to take on the red cars and the black ones fielded by Mercedes too.

At around lap 46, Ben informs you through the radio that Lewis who is in P3 at the moment incurred a 5 second penalty. With Charles on P2 just 2 seconds ahead of Lewis and you tailing behind just a second away, there might be a chance for you to end up on the podium at the end of this race. You just have to maintain the gap behind Lewis and also for Lewis to continue battling with Charles.

Ben: "So, one more lap y/n, just bring it home." Y/N: "Think something happened to my left tyre." Ben: "Ok, copy. So Sainz, 30 seconds behind, battling with Russell."

You peek at your front left tyre and it was starting to wobble. You may have hit something on the track, possibly puncturing the tyre.

Ben: "If you go Diff-Mid 12, Sainz 20 seconds and gap to Lewis is 2 seconds." Ben: "Now 17 seconds. Now 16 seconds."

The car was already slowing down and the left tyre was tumbling around on its rim. Ben was constantly updating you but you did not bother to respond.

Ben: "So use Strat 5. 10 seconds to Sainz and 3 seconds from Lewis." Ben: "7 seconds to Sainz. 6 seconds to Sainz." Ben: "Maintain this gap to Lewis. 4 seconds."

You've passed the last corner and about to go on the straight where the chequered flag should be when you saw Sainz closely tailing behind you. With your feet instinctively pushing flat out, your car zoomed past and hopefully closing the gap with Lewis in less than 5 seconds for P3 position.

Y/N: "Do we have it?! TELL ME BEN, DO WE HAVE IT??" Ben: "That's it, y/n! You've done it, P3! YOU'VE DONE IT! Wow, you've done it y/n." Y/N: "Was there a flag? I did not see it." Ben: "There was a flag. You've done it though. Just stop. You can pull the car over. We'll come and get you." Y/N: "Fuck that was close! Sorry for the profanity." Ben: "Yeah, I was about to say the same thing. That was a close call. Too close for comfort. But awesome work, mate." Y/N: "LET'S GO!!!!! BEN, WE DID IT!!!"

Your team radio is now being broadcasted across all tv screens worldwide. As Max and the other drivers complete their slow lap around the track after they've crossed the line, they catch a glimpse of you in the screens. Throwing your hands in celebration, still inside the cockpit. When you got out of the car at the side of the track, you knelt down and pats the damaged tyre aggressively as if thanking the car.

You had to do your best as not to cry from overwhelming joy. You felt like you won the race for P3 but you didn't. It was as if you were soaring through the clouds right then. The crowds at the grandstands were screaming your name, fireworks were setting off in the background. That was for Max, of course, but it couldn't hurt to imagine that it could be for you too.

You were picked up by a safety car and your car was towed to the parc ferme. When you got out of the car, Oscar jumped at the moment to wrap you in a hug, Lando following behind.

Warm and sincere congratulations, pats on the backs and helmet taps too, were sent over your way when you threw yourself to your team of mechanics and engineers who were waiting on the other side of the barricade. You took off your helmet and balaclava so you could properly breathe and to revel in the sounds of your victory.

You were the first one who had to do the post-race interview, followed by Charles in P2 and Max in P1. You couldn't contain your smile, choking on your words yet again.

"Y/n!" David Coulthard calls out your name in joy. "That was an amazing race. You had your maiden pole last race and now, your maiden F1 podium after just 2 races in this season. Could you tell me more?"

"With the information of Lewis' 5 second penalty, I had to give everything on the table. I've never had a race like that before. We tried to maintain the gap but also had to monitor Carlos behind as well. It was a team effort and I couldn't have done it without them."

"Your last lap had us trembling in our seats. You managed to bring home your car across the line in that state. How did you do it?" David asked with such enthusiasm.

"I don't know how I've managed to be cool in that period but I just... I had no choice. Survival instincts came over me and I've come all this way. I'm not gonna pull over and back off to let anyone drive pass. I was thinking 'How can I get there with taking as much risks as possible without losing the car altogether?'. I still can't believe I did it." You try to take a few deep breaths after you finished your interview, still reeling in from that feeling of accomplishment.

Max and Charles pats your back as the three of you walked towards the cooldown room. The huge screen showing the highlights of the race, including your tyre mishap and struggle to cross the finish line for P3. Charles hands you a water bottle and you took it, not peeling your eyes away from the screen. If you only had your phone, you would take a photo of the small pillar with a huge number 3 and a small screen playing your driver intro bit.

The three of you are now ushered to prepare for the podium ceremony. Your feet was quick to move after your name was called. The crowd roared with applause and cheers as you made your way up the podium. You stood patiently on your step as you hear Charles' and Max's name. Despite feeling a bit flushed due to the adrenaline from winning P3, your cheeks felt a bit cold as you place your hands on the side of your face.

Your race suit now wet from the champagne being sprayed amongst the podium placers. Charles and Max were having fun targeting you, spraying the champagne at your face. They both admired your blissful smile and eyes filled with euphoria.

"Champagne suits you. Congratulations y/n!" Max can't help but admit to himself that you were an excellent racer. Your expression softened when you heard him and it's like Max's heart skipped a beat.

"Thanks Max. Congratulations on winning!" As if the champagne rain slowed down, it was just you and Max. The stage lights made the champagne sparkle, trickling down on both of you. He never saw anyone be so ecstatic in getting P3 but you made celebrating look so beautiful and graceful.

You watched Max's face as he shared a smile with you but not a second later, you could clearly see the horror in his face as his body stiffen.

"Y/n, your nose." Charles cocks his head to the side of Max, inconspicuously pointing to his nose, prompting you to do the same. Your hand crept up to your face and it was met by a warm liquid oozing down your nose. When you swiped it off, you saw blood on your fingertips.

Max was quick to turn you around, shielding you from the cameras. You try to wipe your nose with your arm but the blood can't seem to stop.

"Are you okay? What's wrong? Do you want us to call the medics?" Max whispers in panic, still spraying the champagne at Charles and towards the crowd below as he shields you behind him. To the people below and in the crowd, it was as if you're just wiping the champagne off your face.

"Relax. It's just a nosebleed. This will pass." You whispered, still trying to wipe off the remaining blood. The sleeve of your green suit now tinted red. "What the heck, it's not stopping."

"Y/n, I think the cameramen are now noticing." Charles' eyes darted to the cameramen below and above.

"I've been a bit more anemic lately. I think that's why." You murmured.

"When Megan told me that your health is compromised, is this it?" Max leans to your side a bit, still facing front and waving to the crowd.

"You talked to her? What did she tell you?!" You glared at Max, surprising the two men.

"Y/n, Max, can you two talk about it later? We're still on the podium." Charles cleared his throat.

You slightly nudged Max away from you, not noticed by the crowd, while you pinch your nose and cover your face. Max can't help but stare in concern at your figure. His inner Alpha wanting to carry you and rush to medic's tent.

Then the ceremony ended.

"Y/n, come on. I haven't told him much, I promise. I just told him to leave you alone that day." Megan pleaded as she follows you while carrying a large box filled with your household items.

You open the door to let Megan in but you avoid her eyes. She darts across the empty unit, footsteps echoing along the walls, to place the box labeled 'Kitchen Items' down on the floor. You sighed, accepting defeat, as you drop the huge bag of items that you were carrying.

"Fine, but next time, stop telling him unnecessary information."

"Hey, your health was not an unnecessary information. I'm just glad you're fine now. I told you that your prolonged use of suppressants will eventually bite you in the ass." She rambled.

"Yes, yes. You gotta stop scolding me. It's been like a thousand times already." You groaned. "I got the podium and I'm on a suppressant detox. Happy?"

"Yes. I'm working on your schedule just in case it came early." Megan skips across the unit and stopped near the door. "I'll get the last box. You can stay here just in case the delivery company calls through the intercom." She exits the unit after you nod your head.

The empty huge apartment unit was now filled with unopened boxes. There were no furnitures yet but the anticipation of decorating your new home is making you excited. Wood and cured paint scent filled the air. It was relaxing for you but after a while, it's actually nauseating so you open the door to the balcony.

Coldness of the elegant granite greeted your arms as you lean against it. Your apartment is located in a spot overlooking the marina where you can spot plentiful yachts. With just a soft breeze, you could almost smell the sea. Even with your eyes closed, you could vividly visualize the city below you from its sound. The hustle and bustle of Monaco.

Closing your eyes for a few seconds made you yawn. You are still recovering from that horrific anemic bout during the podium ceremony in the Saudi Arabian Grand Prix. The team had to recommend you to a local hospital for a check up and was just given a prescription. You took a flight out the next day and went straight to "Moving Out" mode. It hasn't been two days since the race but here you are, renting a luxurious apartment in Monaco, about to live your best life.

"Looks like you could fit a head in your mouth." You heard a familiar warm voice coming from above your balcony. When you opened your eyes, there was someone peeking their head out of their balcony and looking down below at you, apparently still yawning. You closed your mouth in embarrassment.

"Max?!"

"Hi neighbor!"

Next part: Part 5

Taglist: @laura-naruto-fan1998 @fanboyluvr @giffywiffy3408 @notyouraveragemochii @cmleitora @exotic-iris13 @topguncultleader @mirrorball-6 @barcelonaloverf1life @silscintilla @aquangxl @whyamireadingthis @imaddict

[sunshine-overload]

[BSTS] Recent Zakuro Related Chapters

This is just a collection of recent chapters relating to Zakuro and Hinata’s situations as well as what the black cards and the ‘institution’ are doing.

basically just a bunch of wack ass lore, enjoy !

-

S6CH5 - Common Chapter 6 Extra

-shipping container yard, night-

iwami: This place will be scrapped soon too, though I hope I can make it in time.

master: You're still using this place?

iwami: Uwah– Don't conceal your presence around me, I’m just a regular old person y’know.

master: You don't intend to answer?

iwami: The situation seems to have changed quite a bit on your end. Have you stopped pretending to be a moderate faction? Wasn't the 'organisations’ goal to neutralise them?

master: Yes, that has not changed. But the situation has started to move very quickly, so I intervened.

iwami: Haven't you got your cause and effect mixed up there? It's cause you intervened that things started moving.

master: If that's what it looks like to you, then that's fine. Whichever path you take, nothing can be stopped anymore.

iwami: You and Kei really are like teacher like student. You don't care what other people think and you don't explain anything either. You only devote yourselves to your goal.

master: Kei is already walking down a different path to me. He is not opposed to going against the organisation.

iwami: His goal hasn't changed from when he was safeguarded by the organisation until now. It's always been the same.

Sigh, alas there's always a flipside to a nice conversation. I was told by youngsters all the time. “The research laboratories vary greatly, you should do proper research into them first.” “You should question cutting edge laboratories even more than the scouts.”

master: That's because a regular person can't sniff out whether or not it's a laboratory under the institution's influence. Back then and now still, you're a regular person. The Miki couple are the same.

iwami: True but still. We were just lucky to have been saved by your organisation.

master: You should be grateful that coincidence occured. At the time you had no idea that your research was being used for illegal experiments.

iwami: Whether my research was used with or without my consent makes no difference. Either way, I wasn't able to destroy and discard everything.

A dosage of medication that's too strong will become poison. There was always a chance the research would be started up again, and that's exactly what happened.

master: Was the reason you also continued your research after escaping the institution really because you wanted to put an end to it all?

iwami: I wanted to fix things before the institution found me. Except I wasn't able to hide myself completely, even with your organisation's help. And ultimately, they found me.

I never should've become an IT engineer, I should've just become a farmer in the countryside or something…

master: But there's no way you would've done that. Throwing everything away is difficult.

iwami: I should've at least been a lower rank engineer. Then I could've just ignored it if any of the systems went up in flames.

master: It's too late for that now, but back then what would've been your best option yes. Including when the institution invited you to the project.

iwami: Is the institution the source of that too?

master: It's possible. You should know already that the institution will stop at nothing to achieve their goals, what they want is complete control over BLACKCARD. 

iwami: Even though we implemented the two bracket system to confuse them, we're out of time. They seemed to be pretty fooled by the camouflaged dark net though.

master: You didn't truly believe that you could hide the primary control system there forever, did you?

iwami: That's why the institution sent an agent of theirs to Starless.

master: If you have somebody with inside knowledge, it's easy to obtain information and respond if the worst were to occur.

iwami: I managed to buy enough time though.

master: For how long will they be saved this time?

iwami: I’m not sure, I want to say for as long as possible but… My issue wasn't realised. Also, the institution warped my research, it'll be tough to deal with the damage that's been done.

master: Is it already too late for Hinata then? is he aware of this?

iwami: …One of the two is aware.

master: It's the beginning of the end, huh?

iwami: I’m not the one who'll start the end. I told you, I’m already out of time.

master: Then, who will?

iwami: It's the prince's role to wake the sleeping princess, isn't it? Though all of them are just thugs, not princes.

–end

-

S6CH5 - SideB Chapter 5

Iwami hands Saki a note to hand over to Zakuro because Iwami ‘has no way of contacting him’. Upon reading the note, Zakuro appears bothered.

-

S6CH5 - SideB Chapter 6

-street, night-

zakuro: Good work today. Your stage was great once again.

hinata: Woah you really showed up.

zakuro: Oh my, that face. You look as though you weren't expecting me to meet with you.

hinata: My brother trusted you would come but I wasn't so sure.

zakuro: Now then, here is the item that you requested. The disc that was mentioned in Iwami-san’s note.

zakuro: However before I hand it over to you, let's discuss. This is an important matter after all.

hinata: Are you trying to ask how Iwa-san knew that you had that disc?

zakuro: No, what I want to ask is why you need this disc. The one who created this disc and left it behind at the old Starless building was likely Iwami-san.

Another thing I don't understand is why Iwami-san himself wants it. Can he not just create another?

hinata: Iwa-san said he can't make them anymore. He said it's a problem of environment and lack of materials.

zakuro: Environment and lack of materials. I see, there must be some reason for that. Indeed, indeed. Circumstances have changed and quite some time has passed, it's true.

hinata: Iwa-san is only familiar with the first research stage. That's something that only happened at the first research lab.

zakuro: Hm, if you're going to talk about that I’d be careful. Is this why you chose a crowded place to speak with me?

hinata: Yeah. Not a single person passing by is interested in us, right? It's as if you and I can't afford to be paying attention to anything else…

My brother told me that we don't have much time left. You don't have any time left either, do you? We're the same.

zakuro: The same? You and I? Iwami-san said something similar to me. That we do not have much time left.

hinata: Iwa-san is different from us though. You should know that. I mean, we're of the same class, aren't we? You’re an early development line from the second stage of research.

zakuro: ……

hinata: Everyone at the lab said that it was a successful line that had been started up twice.

-hinata snatches the disc from zakuro-

hinata: I’ll be taking this disc. Iwa-san and my brother both told me that if I have this I might last longer.

zakuro: When you said that we're of the same class, does that mean that you also escaped from the research laboratory?

hinata: Yeah. The final development line of stage two, that was us twins. We were both failures, apparently the research hit a dead end. So, that's why we ran away before we died. You did the same, right?

zakuro: …Very well, I will let you have that disc. I’ll see you again at Starless tomorrow. Good night, Hinata.

hinata: See ya, Zakuro.

-hinata leaves-

zakuro: At the very least, I hope that tomorrow comes… As there is not much else I can do besides wish for that.

–end

(note: It was confirmed in a different recent chapter that Hinata and his brother do indeed share the same body.)

-

S6 C Medley - Chapter 6

-backstage rooms-

kasumi: ……. (sad)

saki: Kasumi-san, everyone else has already headed back to Starless.

kasumi: Ah, yeah.

saki: Are you ok? You look pale.

kasumi: No, it's just… I handed the documents over to the police.

saki: What happened?

kasumi: There was definitive proof regarding the incident that killed my parents but… There was still no indication of where my sister is. Those documents definitely should have contained her whereabouts. All I know is that she was brought to Tokyo, but I need more information than that.

saki: No way…

kasumi: ……. (sad)

-aogiri appears-

aogiri: That's because she signed a contract in order to escape.

saki: Aogiri-san…

aogiri: I’m sorry for interrupting your conversation, however I thought it would be best to inform you of this. I prepared a copy of her contract for you, here.

kasumi: This contract holder's name… This date… Why on earth do you have access to my sister’s contract? This is dated the day after she went missing.

saki: What!? What does that mean?

aogiri: That is a basic contract for a certain clinical trial. Your sister signed it and participated in the trial. That contract doesn't contain all of the details, however that clinical trial also involves plastic surgery. I don't know what happened after she signed it, but once the trial was completed, she likely started going by a different name.

kasumi: But why would she… No, it was in order to escape, right? It's like how I’ve been living without drawing any attention to myself.

aogiri: That is all the information that I can give you.

-

(note: Aogiri has been confirmed to be the spy that was sent by the institution.)

-

S6CH6 - SideB Chapter 2-2

-starless outside balcony-

aogiri: …….

aogiri: ‘Dizziness, emptiness, am I me?’ … I don't get it.

zakuro: Those were my final words. You should know them well.

aogiri: You're No.2? Have you finally decided to stop avoiding me then?

zakuro: Me avoiding you? Or was it you avoiding me?

aogiri: True, I suppose I was the one avoiding you. You know the reason why, don't you? No, you wouldn't. Because you're not No.2.

zakuro: Hm hm, it appears you figured something out. Though now that you mentioned it, No.2 was different, nothing but an illogical jester.

Then allow me to ask you instead. Do you know what is necessary in order for ‘Zakuro’ to become me?

aogiri: Hmm, that's almost like a philosophical question. What is needed for someone to be themselves?

zakuro: In any case, No.2 is already No.3, and that is who is standing before you now.

The No.2 that you are oh so obsessed with is already swaying between the waves of the past. The second ‘Zakuro’... Hm.

Shall we proceed with our exchange of information then? I’d like to know about No.2 please.

aogiri: So you want the information that I have on No.2? What will you give me in exchange? I’m not going to agree to say anything if it is of no benefit to me.

zakuro: I may decide to remember the memories of No.2 that you are after. You’re wavering and may just need them, am I right, Aogiri?

aogiri: Me? Wavering? Do I really appear to be lost? I see, how intriguing. You cannot guarantee that you even have the memories either. 

Let's make the value of the information equal then. Just the chance of knowing No.2’s past is too weak of a bargain.

Why did No.1 run from the institution? Does No.3 even remember where he came from? If you can answer this set of questions, then I will tell you the information that I have on No.2.

zakuro: My, what a firm way of negotiating. Now I’m even more concerned about just how different No.2 is.

I would like to agree to your terms, however, just how well acquainted are you with ‘Zakuro’?

aogiri: Shh.

-lico steps out onto the balcony-

lico: —Uwah, Aogiri!?

zakuro: Oh my, Lico. Are you here to smoke? That was quite an overblown reaction.

lico: I didn't think anybody was out here. You don't mind if I smoke, right?

aogiri: Go ahead. Apologies for spooking you.

lico: We ran into each other here the other day as well remember? That's why I was so surprised, my bad. If you two were in the middle of something I can go elsewhere.

zakuro: Thank you for your concern but we just finished up our conversation.

aogiri: Yes, indeed. Then, I will speak with you again soon, Zakuro.

-zaku and aog leave-

lico: …Maybe I should stop coming out here to smoke.

–end

-

S6CH6 - SideA Chapter 5

-shrine entrance, night-

zakuro: …Do you have business with me?

master: Yes, it has turned out as such. What are you doing here?

zakuro: Let's say I’m here to pray, to this subordinate shrine of performing arts.

master: Requesting help from the Gods are you? Interesting.

zakuro: Hm, you look skeptical. What are you unsatisfied with?

master: Let me ask you a question then. Who on earth are you?

zakuro: Who am I? I thought you were already aware?

master: The one that I know, to be specific, is only the first one of you.

zakuro: Hm hm, so you want specifics? Then allow me to express my gratitude to you as the third. I’m thankful for when you raided the institution’s research laboratory back then. It's thanks to your organisation’s interference that I was able to escape.

master: ……..

zakuro: You should have already heard from Kei, no? That I am No.3.

master: You're self aware of the fact that you're No.3?

zakuro: What are you trying to say? How about we recap for fun, shall we? 

The me who first came to Starless, the one that you know, is No.1.

And then, after Showdown, he switched out with No.2.

The switch to No.3 was set up like an accident. No.2 tumbled down the stairs and then I took his place.

master: ……..

zakuro: My, you still don't look satisfied with that explanation. You’re aware of it too, aren't you? That ‘Zakuro No.1’ wasn't the original either.

master: That's not the part I’m concerned about.

zakuro: Oh? Then do tell, what is it?

master: …Where did No.2 and No.3 come from?

zakuro: Ngh….

master: No.1 escaped from the research laboratory. ‘Zakuro’, those with the same face and no memories– Where did they come from, and why did you trade places?

You don't have the memories to answer that question either, do you? When and where did you inherit your memories from?

-master leaves-

zakuro: …Where did we come from? Who are we— And where are we going?

–end

[girl-failure]

Transwoman needs answers

this isnt an easy post to write and it's going to be full of info about me that's personal and embarassing but I am desperate for answers and assitance so please bear with me. Long story short, im almost 3 years hrt (may 19th will be exact) and it's like nothing has changed. More info under the cut.

I'm going to try and explain everything to the best of my memory, but exact dosages and stuff might be fuzzy and inexact. I began HRT on May 19th 2021, when I was 22. I took one and a half 2mg pills, twice (morning and night) daily. I took them sublingually. I was also prescribed Spironolactone, though the exact dose escapes me (i remember it was 1 pill nightly). I had only come out as trans in the December the previous year, so i considered myself unfathomably lucky to get to start so soon. I had done this through informed consent at a planned parenthood and was excited by the possibility of a future where my own body didn't make me want to die. The idea of changing my body gave me a feeling of control in my life that had been entirely absent until that point. I knew I wanted all the help I could get with breast development (the women in my immediate family are well endowed) and I had read & heard from other trans women that prog could help, but I'd have to wait to ask for it.

I think it was on December 15, 2021, I was officially prescribed 100 progesterone nightly. At this point I had began to notice softer skin, lighter hair, the few bits of acne left over from high school had gone entirely, and the inklings of breasts beginning to form. My libido had all but dissipated entirely at that point, but I was told (mostly by other trans women) it would come back, especially after starting prog, and that my body would likely experience pleasure differently, and that my orgasm would be very different. The fat from my stomach (i wasn't overweight or underweight, i was pretty average for a man my height, but I did have a masculine stomach I despised) hadn't relocated at all, but I knew HRT wasn't a sprint, but a marathon, and I had a long way to go. This continued for a long time, eventually i would be bumped up to two 2mg of E (sublingual pill) twice daily (8mg total), and my Spiro would change to 200mg a day EDIT: My Spiro dosages did fluctuate, though again I don't recall the exact dosages, (I initially got it confused with my prog dosage, sorry), though there was the occasional few week period where I'd be bumped back down to one and a half E pills because I had timed my blood-work poorly. It had been a while since starting HRT and I was starting to worry. My libido never came back, I was unable to feel the sensation of pleasure entirely, my breasts & nipples never became sensitive or had growth pains, and my breasts really hadn't grown at all. My stomach still made me feel awful and masculine because fat continued to pile up there instead of in the feminine places I was told and led to believe it should!!! I was scared and frightened and upset. I'd say I developed an eating disorder but my eating was already disordered. I was afraid of food. Afraid it'd just make me look manly, instead of going to my hips/waist/whatever and breasts like it was supposed to. I began to feel like the hrt that was supposed to save my life was just making me feel worse.

On October 23rd, 2023, I finally started seeing a doctor again after 9 years of not being able to afford it, and only then because a parent got insurance through their work. I was officially prescribed Estradiol Valerate (.3mL intramuscular, and the bottle itself is 20mg/mL) , and quit Spiro outright. Now that I was talking to a doc, especially one who had been working with trans people in my area for years, I was starting to have hope again that maybe injections would solve my problems. After all, they're supposed to be more powerful right? Well after some blood-work revealing that my T levels were so low they were undetectable, we started fiddling with my injection dosages. I went down to .25mL. Nothing changed. I went down to .2ml. Nothing changed. I stayed at .2mL and was prescribed a med called EstraTest (.625mg E and 1.25mg T), a single pill which has both E and T in it, to try and raise my T levels back to measurable levels and hopefully find that golden ratio of E and T where maybe my body will start working again and start changing. But that brings us today. I still don't feel any sensation of pleasure (masturbating is pointless, intimacy just feels like I'm disappointing my partner), let alone a female orgasm (which as embarrassing as it is to admit, I was really looking forward to), my nipples still don't get sensitive and my chest doesn't get sore or get growing pains. My breasts look the same way they did 4 months into hrt. I've still had practically no fat redistribution, though I've gotten better about eating and not being afraid of food. I'm even beginning to notice my acne slowing starting to come back. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Why has nothing worked? Why does it feel like I'm regressing? I lost my health insurance earlier this week, and I can't afford to see my doctor again with my dumb pizza delivery job, so I haven't been able to ask to try anything more drastic to try and fix these issues. My current theories are that maybe my body is just more resistant to E? Which would be awful, but might be handled by just tripling my dose or something? Or

that my receptors are fried, and that the only solution would be to stop taking my HRT for a while (maybe even a long while). I pray that isn't the case, because I'd sooner off myself then let my body regress any further.

So this is a call for help. If anyone has any idea what could be causing these problems for me, or knows how I might be able to fix them, PLEASE let me know. I've lost hope in having a future as a woman, or even just feeling apathy towards my body (instead of intense self-loathing) at this point.

Here's my ca$happ if anyone wants to throw some money my way and maybe I'll be able to see the doctor again. cash.app/$occultChloe

[heepthecheep]

There is so much medical misinformation on Tumblr that people take at face value and it's kind of fascinating but also really fucking bad

Off the top of my head?

- drugs; prescription, OTC or recreational can absolutely have an effect on your health. Dosages aren't suggestions and neither is stuff like "don't take with alcohol" or "don't operate heavy machinery"

-in addition to the last point, addiction is real and not something made up by your parents to keep you from doing weed in highschool. It can take different forms

- don't take other people's prescriptions. Again, with the dosage thing, expiration dates, and especially not antibiotics

-speaking of which, antibiotic resistant infections (ie. MRSA, ERSA) are caused by not finishing your prescription of antibiotics or taking antibiotics inappropriately (ie. When you have a viral infection) (and there are other issues too but these are probably the main ones that are most relevant to a layman) and are not caused by "antivaxxers" (seriously, I've seen this argument applied to the covid vaccine. A vaccine for a virus that no doctor would treat with antibiotics- not the mention that MRSA is literally referring to Staph Aureus)

-just because a disease is uncommon or "extinct" in your part of the world doesn't actually mean it is. Pathogens have animal and environmental reservoirs. Similarly, diseases that have been eradicated in your well developed and wealthy part of the world still kill people in places that aren't as wealthy and/or developed. The only diseases that are actually extinct are Smallpox and Rinderpest- and no, the parents who think vaccines cause autism aren't going to cause them to come back

-your weight, diet and lifestyle ABSOLUTELY affect your health.

-people on Tumblr seem to have some weird vendetta against doctors ordering blood work, but it's an absolutely valid and important screening and/or diagnostic test, and is helpful in monitoring many conditions

-Puberty, pregnancy and aging are natural processes that are not inherently harmful. Furthermore, people on Tumblr act as if pregnancy is the most dangerous thing in the world...while blaming the process itself and not the shitty, abusive and corrupt obstetrics community (or they point to history (and focus entirely on Europe) and act like issue is the process and not the ignorance towards germ theory, lack of or misunderstanding of hygiene, not understanding how women work, etc)

-hormones control a lot in your body and aren't just your sex hormones. They exist before you're even born and continue to exist after puberty ends.

[fireheartedpup]

Okay. So. Ashwaganda.

I lost the post about the supplement from a troll company that was marketing it as hormone replacement therapy. The doses were high enough to send you into serotonin syndrome, and it doesn't replace estrogen. It encourages your body to make the hormones it's already making.

This was in 2023, and the website quickly vanished after backlash.

The thing is, ashwaganda is a mood stabilizer. I'm wondering if it's possible to feel better before the serotonin syndrome. Is the dosage high enough that you feel funny immediately, or does it seem like life is so good that this miracle pill couldn't possibly be bad for you?

Once it starts, it sounds like torture. I'm just wondering about the lead up. The poster who was quoted on that post said that ashwaganda taken in that dosage could cause it in "as little as a month," so what does the lead up feel like?

I don't take medication, so I haven't worried too much about interactions. That said, it's good to know that it can conflict with medications for blood pressure, thyroid, sleep, immunosuppression, and diabetes.

This is mostly because it has similar effects--so again, too much can tip you over from "this helps" to "this is a threat to my safety."

There are other natural things that raise serotonin levels, like ginkgo, and I thought they were mentioned in one of links I included but I can find the paragraph I'm thinking of.

...this could be due to the fact that ginseng can also raise serotonin levels, and I might have misremembered it.

Probiotics, vitamin D, and fish oil can also raise serotonin, as can tryptophan and exercise. Rhodiola is another adaptogen that can help with things like ADHD, and St. John's Wort is also on that list.

There's a lot. I actually left out green tea and turmeric. Oh, and 5-htp. That one I'm careful with. It makes me feel drugged.

Coffee and artificial sweeteners can decrease serotonin, so I'm not terribly bothered. If it's not consumed in high doses or alongside something it shouldn't be combined with, it should be okay.

I'm also not consistent with anything, and in the case of the supplements where it's better to take breaks instead of simply continuing to take them every single day for a long period of time, this works for me.

The thing that made me take a second look at adaptogens in general is that my period is almost a week late.

Remember how it adjusts your hormones? Yeah, a lot of people have this reaction--and it can make your period lighter. I'm mostly finding anecdotes from reddit, but there is a study about it helping with perimenopause.

My periods have never been super consistent. I have a rough idea of when they're going to come, but the cycle isn't exact. So this doesn't bother me a ton, but it's enough for some people to want to switch to an alternative method of controlling things like anxiety.

I'm already questioning whether my hormones are out of whack or not, so that's part of it.

I just think it's interesting. "Natural alternatives" are marketed as safer, without side effects. My experience has been that no matter what you do, you're throwing spaghetti at a wall to see what sticks--and you still need to look up everything you take to see if it's going to interact with anything else.

It would be nice if going to a doctor fixed this problem. Unfortunately, I've read too many stories about patients having to look things up for themselves, even after going to doctor after doctor.

It's like the pegboard with red string.

Anyway. My takeaway is still that what will fix your problems is appropriate treatment for your body. Unfortunately, this is different for everyone, and pretty much requires you to make a lifelong study of what to take and what the side effects are--no matter if you're taking supplements or drugs.

I'm still on the adaptogen train because I don't have to beg a doctor for help or make an appointment or beg a doctor to listen to me when it turns out that I need a change in my treatment plan or get registered as "really, she needs this" in order to get the thing that will help me.

I'm just. You know. Wondering. About what this is going to mean for my period going forward.

(And I'm going to have to research every single other thing I'm taking to see what the crossovers are.)

IMPORTANT: Ashwaganda can cause spontaneous abortion. Do not listen to anyone who says that adaptogens are safe to take during pregnancy. CHECK FIRST.

[feroshgirlsims]

Chapter 5.1 - Conspiracies of the Nether Regions

MIKO

“Alright, let’s talk about your stress levels. It’s a huge factor in situations like this,” Dr. Albaz says, “Are you getting enough sleep?”

“Yes,” Miko lies, “And I’m not stressed; I’m just busy, which is why I need more antibiotics.”

Dr. Albaz frowns and sticks a thermometer in Miko’s mouth. “You need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself so your immune system stays strong.”

“I am! I run three days a week.”

"Plus another four until you puke because you think it’s the only way to get rid of me," the voice adds helpfully.

“I do yoga," Miko continues.

"But you can’t get rid of me. And you did yoga once. For the love of magic, quit lying." 

“I also try to have vegetables with dinner.” 

The voice snorts: "Microwaved burritos are not vegetables."

“Shut up!” Miko hisses and then coughs to cover her outburst.

Dr. Albaz looks up from checking her pulse and appears even more concerned. "What did you say?"

For the first time, Miko worries that she might get into real trouble. Smoothing her expression, she keeps the rest of the conversation in her head.

"I need these antibiotics," she says to the voice, "And if you don’t shut up, this bitch isn’t gonna give us shit!"

"At least you’re acknowledging there’s an us," it sneers, "It’s about time."

Panicked, Miko digs her nails into her hand. "There isn’t supposed to be an us. Sims don’t talk to themselves."

"You’re not a sim," the voice laughs.

Miko’s blood runs cold.

“Is everything alright?” Dr. Albaz repeats. “You seem distracted, dear. You can talk to me about what’s going on.”

For a second, Miko wants to because maybe she’s losing her mind, and this woman can help. But the voice cuts her off. "Don’t say anything! I’ll be quiet."

“Actually, I am a little stressed out," Miko hedges, "I…uh…just broke up with my boyfriend.”

Dr. Albaz doesn’t look like she buys the explanation, but she still walks Miko to the prescription area and gives her half a dosage. “I still think it's more than likely you’re experiencing a mild rebound, and it’ll clear itself up if you can get some rest.”

“I am definitely going to slow down."

After several more assurances that she'll take her rest seriously, Miko limps out the door. But once she reaches the sidewalk, the ache in her bladder hits so hard that she drops to her knees. 

She closes her eyes, expecting pain as she hits the pavement, but it never happens.

“Miko?”

Her eyes flash open. Emmett kneels in front of her, his eyebrows drawn in with concern. “Look, I swear I’m not trying to insult you, but you look like you’re five seconds away from passing out.”

“I’m good,” she croaks, “I’m just…I’m…” The word ‘tired’ is on the tip of her tongue, but her pride won’t let her release it. 

Emmett shakes his head. “I know you don’t want help, but you need it. So I'm going to walk you to your dorm and you can add it to the list of things you hate about me when you’re done.”

"You don’t hate him," the voice insists.

Miko lets him help her up because the voice is right. She doesn’t hate him. 

Not even a little bit. 

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