#Like no upping my dosage continually is not going to help it is going to make me worse

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

I went off ADHD meds because they weren’t helping much and the crash was making me a little too silly (you can imagine in what sense I mean that phrase). But today I went back on because I need to do things and holy mother of god sounds and the lack of sound are pushing me into overload simultaneously.

[corroded-hellfire]

Sniffles and Snuggles - Eddie Munson x Reader

An As You Wish story

Collaboration with my dear @munson-blurbs 💕

Older!eddie edit by the lovely @eddiemunsons-missingnipple

Summary: When your baby girl wakes up sick, her daddy is there to take care of her

Note: The thought of Eliza being all clingy to Eddie because she doesn’t feel well and just wants her daddy inspired this so I hope you enjoy the thoughts that just pop into my head

Words: 4k

[As You Wish Masterlist]

A familiar cry wakes you from your slumber. It’s muffled—coming from down the hall. Your eyes open in the darkness of your bedroom. Glancing over at the window you see the slightest gray creeping into the blackness of night. Morning must be rolling around you surmise as you stretch your arms out above your head. The cry sounds again and you stare up at your ceiling while you wait to see if it’s going to continue or not. There have been times where Eliza has woken up, cried out a few times simply because she wanted attention, then let it go. 

Eddie’s fast asleep next to you, turned your way, giving you a clear view of the drool dribbling out of the corner of his mouth. A soft chuckle falls out of you as you trail your gaze down to see your husband’s bare chest slowly moving up and down with his steady breaths. Another cry from your daughter breaks your focus on your sexy man though, and you push yourself out of bed to go see what’s bothering her. 

The closer you get to Eliza’s room, you can hear the different noises she’s making. These aren’t just the typical cries she sometimes has in the middle of the night. There’s whining and a whimpering that’s breaking your heart. 

“Hey, what’s going on in here?” 

As soon as you see your one-year-old you know something is up. Her cheeks are flushed and her brown curls are matted to her forehead in sweat. She’s holding onto the bars of her crib like she’s an inmate begging to be freed from their jail cell. The moment her eyes land on you, the whining picks up and she’s scrambling for your attention. 

“What’s wrong, Sweet Pea?” you ask.

Not even making an attempt at the few words she knows how to say, Eliza simply raises her arms for you to pick her up. The heat radiating off of her little body in its pink onesie is evident the moment your hands are on her. Frowning, you hold her against your chest and gently press your lips to her forehead. 

“Oh, you’re burning up, baby. Is someone not feeling well?” Eliza buries her head in your neck, and you have your answer. “Come on, you. Let’s take some medicine that’ll help you feel better.”

Intermittent sniffles come from the baby as you walk with her into the kitchen. The medicines are kept on a high shelf and there’s no way you’ll be able to rummage for what you’re looking for with your daughter in your arms. Luckily, her Disney Princess highchair is only a few feet away and you move to set her down in it. This elicits an immediate negative reaction from Eliza. 

“It’s just for a second, sweetheart. Give Mommy one moment to find your medicine.” She clings to you as you try to place her in the chair, but a couple of kisses to the head and whispered assurances that you’re not going anywhere have her finally releasing her vice grip on you. As you watch her slump to the side in her seat, eyes glazed over and staring somewhere in the distance, you think her lack of strength or energy also contributed to her finally letting you go. 

The children’s Tylenol is easily findable, and you pour some of the thick berry flavored syrup into a small dosage cup. Eliza eyes it warily, as if already knowing that she’s not going to like it. She wrinkles her nose up as the blue medicine comes closer to her and her whines start up again. 

“This is going to help you feel better, my love. I promise.” You can’t blame Eliza for her cranky attitude, but you just wish she’d believe you and take the medicine without issue. But since when do children behave that way? Especially the children of Eddie Munson. 

“Come on,” you say as you set the little cup on the tray of her highchair. “It’ll be over really quick. You might even like how it tastes.” 

After a few more whiny protests and some cranky writhing in her seat, Eliza stares down at the liquid that might give her some relief. You’re pretty sure you can see the resignation in her brown eyes as gazes at the medicine.

“Here we go.” You lift the small cup up to her lips—which she begrudgingly opens—and tilt it up so the Tylenol pours into her mouth. The moment it’s all swallowed and Eliza closes her mouth, her face scrunches up in revulsion and she shakes her head. It doesn’t seem right to laugh when your daughter is feeling so lousy, but you can’t help but let out a chuckle at her visceral reaction to the taste. “Why don’t we watch a movie, huh? One of your favorites.”

Eliza’s body heat takes you by surprise again as you lift her from her chair. Her head lolls onto your shoulder as you walk into the living room and snatch up the movie on the top of the pile. The Little Mermaid disc isn’t in the case, and it doesn’t shock you at all. It’s probably already in the player, all ready to go. 

You scoop up the remote on the way to the couch and click on the television. Eliza’s curls tickle your chin as you hit the buttons that will lead you to the DVD screen. As suspected, The Little Mermaid is in there and ready to be watched for the thousandth time. 

“Here we go,” you say, snuggling into the couch with her. “Let’s watch Ariel, yeah?” You’re hoping that the medicine will allow her to get some more sleep. The way she holds herself to your body lets you know she wants to be cuddled. Adjusting yourself so that it’s comfortable for the both of you, you lean back and kick your feet up on the coffee table, allowing Eliza to use your torso as her bed. Her big eyes turn towards the television at the familiar sounds of her favorite movie. One of your hands goes to her tiny back, rubbing reassuring and calming circles, while the other gently strokes her soft downy hair. 

You’re fighting sleep when you hear the heavy-footed sound of Eddie padding out to the living room. His hair is a mess, curls askew, and he scratches at his stubble as he yawns. 

“What’re my sweet girls doing up at this hour?” he asks softly, re-tying the strings of his plaid pajama pants. 

You return his yawn with a weary smile. “Someone is sick and spiked a fever, so I’m just laying with her until the Tylenol kicks in,” you explain, kissing your baby’s sweaty curls. 

Eddie looks at you, kindness and empathy still radiating from his tired eyes. “Babe, you look exhausted.” He leans down to try and take Eliza from your embrace, frowning when you pull back. “Let me help.”

“S’okay, Eds. I got it.” 

“But you need to sleep so you can go to work tomorrow,” he protests. 

Noting that you’re distracted by the conversation at hand, Eliza takes advantage and wriggles from your grasp. She plops her head down on a nearby pillow and almost immediately falls asleep, congested snores emanating from her tiny nostrils. 

You furrow your brow, lowering your voice so you don’t disturb your daughter’s slumber. “No, I’m staying home with her. You go into work.”

“I have more vacation days saved up,” he points out, holding out his arms. “Hand me the child and go back to bed.”

You give in, too tired to argue further, kissing him and Eliza before trudging back to bed. You look over your shoulder before you head down the hall, back to your bedroom. Eddie has made himself comfortable on one side of the couch, placing a throw pillow on his lap. He carefully maneuvers Eliza so she can curl up in the same position, rubbing gentle circles on her back to try and break up some of the congestion. It’s not his first rodeo with a sick kid, and based on his older children’s experiences, it won’t be his last. 

When your alarm goes off an hour later, you feel anything but rested. Your muscles ache as your body all but begs for more sleep, but you try to shove away the discomfort with a warm shower. It helps somewhat, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t almost fall asleep standing up. 

The family room is quiet; the only sound is the soft hum of the DVD player whirring, the movie long over. Eddie is sprawled out on the couch, his long limbs flung in every direction over the furniture like an overgrown starfish. Eliza, always one to copy her daddy, is spread out on top of his chest.  They’re both snoring, though you truly can’t be sure which one of them is louder. 

Trying to make the least amount of noise possible, you head into the kitchen and prepare breakfast for yourself and the boys. You know the drill by now: cereal for Ryan, Eggos for Luke. This particular morning though, you don’t think you’ll be able to ingest anything other than a large cup of coffee. 

The ringing of two alarm clocks faintly reaches you in the kitchen. Knowing it takes both of them a minute—or a few in Luke’s case—to get out of bed, you know you have time to finish prepping the food before you head down the hall to intercept them. You have to inform them that on this side of the house there are two sleeping beauties currently sawing wood. 

“Hey,” you say in a hushed tone as you meet up with the boys in front of their rooms. “Daddy and Eliza are sleeping on the couch. You have to be quiet, okay?”

“Good morning to you, too,” Ryan grumbles, rubbing his left eye with the heel of his hand. Sometimes his preteen moments popped up when you were least able to handle them. 

“Why are they on the couch?” Luke asks, voice lower for him, but still a bit loud. 

“Eliza isn’t feeling well, and they must’ve fallen asleep waiting for her medicine to kick in,” you explain. 

“Is she okay?” Ryan asks.

“She’s fine, sweetie. Just some sniffles,” you tell him. “Now come on, your breakfasts are ready.”

Most of breakfast manages to go smoothly and quietly, until Luke drops his fork on the ground, and it lands on the linoleum with a definitive clang. Your second oldest winces as he turns to you. “Sorry,” he silently mouths. Honestly, you had expected him to make a bigger noise than that at some point, so this is nothing. 

Once they finish their breakfast, you usher the boys down the hall and tell them to get ready for school. You finish getting ready for work as well. It’s hard to focus on doing your hair or finding a pair of shoes when you know your baby girl is sick in the other room. But you know she’ll be fine; she’s with Eddie. Super Dad. Being a mom came with a boatload of anxieties, but Eddie always managed to make everything better and less stressful. You joke to him all the time that some magic must’ve rubbed off on him after all the times he’s played D&D throughout his life. 

You finish getting ready the same time the boys do, and you see them slipping on their backpacks in the family room. They make no noise, yet their presence in the room must have been enough because both Eddie and Eliza stir from their nap. 

“How are you feeling, Eliza?” Ryan asks, tone still soft and low. 

His baby sister’s only response is to heave an overdramatic sigh, very reminiscent of her father. 

“Feel better!” Luke chirps with far too much enthusiasm. 

With an irritated whine, Eliza puts her hands over her tiny ears at her brother’s loud volume. She buries her face in Eddie’s chest, signaling that the conversation with her siblings is over. Eddie uses one hand to caress his daughter's brown locks, hoping it will calm and relax her, and waves to his sons with the other. 

“Have a good day at school, guys,” he tells them. The two of them wave back and say their goodbyes before they head out the front door to get to their bus stop down on the corner of the street. 

It’s your turn to leave now and you really don’t want to. This is the hardest you’ve ever had to push yourself to get out of the house and go to work. A restless night’s sleep or a massive headache making you not want to go in is nothing compared to knowing your child is home sick. 

Once you have everything ready to go, you walk over and lean down to press a kiss to Eddie’s forehead.

“I gotta go now, baby. But I don’t wanna.” You give him the most adorable pout that has a smile lighting up his tired face. 

“I’ll hold down the fort,” he tells you. “Have a good day at work. Though it won’t be as amazing as Eliza-Daddy Day.”

“I’m very jealous that I don’t get to be a part of it.” You smile down at your daughter, who has fallen back asleep, and admire the adorable features that she’s inherited from the both of you. “I’ll see you guys later. I love you.”

“We love you too, baby. I love you more, though. But don’t tell Eliza I said that; she’s a very territorial little girl.” 

Chuckling, you lean down and press one more kiss to your husband’s lips. “Bye, baby.”

Eddie dozes on and off as he stays as still as possible on the couch so as not to wake the baby. It’s certainly not the most comfortable position, but he’ll be damned if his daughter is awake because of him. He keeps one hand on her back; she’s so little underneath it, and he’s suddenly overcome with a fierce urge to protect her. 

Eliza eventually wakes up around lunchtime, tears immediately springing to her eyes. Her face crumples when she tries to breathe in through her nose and realizes that she can’t. 

Eddie sits up a bit straighter, keeping his daughter close to his chest. “How ya feeling, baby girl?”

“Uck,” she grunts out, swiping messily at her runny nose. 

“Are you hungry?” Eddie asks before deciding for her. “You need to eat something.”

He picks her up and starts to set her in a flowery pink baby walker—surprisingly, Luke had been the one to pick it out at Babies R Us—but Eliza is in no mood to be put down. She lets out a whine that sounds more like a shriek. 

Eddie winces at the piercing noise, instinctively bringing her against his chest again. “Hey, hey, what is it?” he softly asks, but she just whimpers and hides her face in his neck. 

“Dada.”

“Sweet pea, I was just gonna go into the kitchen to get us some lunch,” he tries to explain, knowing full well that it’s next to useless. “You’ll be able to see me the whole time.”

Eliza shakes her head against his body and sniffles pathetically. “Nooooo. Dada!”

Eddie sighs, giving in to the prospect that the two of them will be attached at the hip all day. “Okay, Lize, you can come with me,” he acquiesces. “We can make a mess of the kitchen together.” He lowers his voice before adding, “just don’t tell Mommy.”

He makes two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with one hand, the other holding on to Eliza’s diapered butt while he works “And they said I had no talent. Ha.”

“Goo Dada.”

Eddie’s glad he understands her normal baby talk enough, because interpretation is even harder now that she’s congested. 

“I did good? Why, thank you.” He hands her a piece of sandwich and she immediately drops it on the ground. 

“Eliza!”

She crosses her tiny arms and twists her whole body back and forth in protest. “Ucky.”

“Lize, you love peanut butter—”

“UCKY!”

“Okay, no peanut butter for you today,” Eddie mutters, shoving half a sandwich in his mouth. “Let’s see what else we got.”

There isn’t a whole lot in the freezer, but Eddie spots a box of frozen Italian ice cups and pulls it out. He flips the lid open and purses his lips when he only sees a few yellow cups inside. 

“Guess your brothers ate all the cherry ones,” he grumbles as he rummages through the box, just to make sure he didn’t miss a red one. “Looks like we just have lemon left.” He makes an unamused face, but Eliza reaches out and grabs it anyway. “You want—y’know what? Sure.”

Eddie grabs a spoon from the utensil drawer and uses his foot to pull Eliza’s high chair over to the kitchen table—lest they be too far apart from each other and Eliza gets all fussy again. She willingly complies since she sees her Daddy will be sitting right in front of her. He pops open the lid of the frozen treat and sets it on the tray in front of her.

“All right, this is gonna be sour,” he warns, but she still eagerly accepts the bite. 

Her lips pucker immediately, her nose scrunching up like a bunny at the strange sensation on her tongue. 

Eddie lets out a laugh at the adorable and hilarious expression on her little face. “I told you! You want that sandwich now?”

Face still pinched up, Eliza vehemently shakes her head. 

“Mo!” Eliza stretches out her hand towards the cup.

“I’ll be damned,” Eddie muses, but he obliges. She makes the same expression with each bite, but she eats nearly half of the serving before declaring, “no mo!”

Eddie gets Eliza cleaned up, not worrying about the mess in the kitchen right now. He’ll take care of it later, as he’s sure the sick girl will take many naps today.  

He picks his daughter up out of her highchair and holds her on his hip. “Whatcha wanna do now?”

Eliza lets out a wet little baby cough and gives a shake of her head. 

“You don’t know?” Eddie asks. “Hmm. Ah, I’ve got it.”

He stands up, balancing Eliza on his side. She lays her head on his shoulder while he walks into her princess-themed room, using his elbow to flick on the overhead light. 

“Okay,” he says, kissing her temple, “let’s see what we’ve got.” He quickly scans the little bookshelf next to her bed to find her favorite story. With a triumphant grin, he plucks The Poky Little Puppy from its spot. 

He tucks himself into the rocking chair, settling in and shifting his daughter into his lap. Reaching behind him, he grabs the bright pink throw blanket and drapes it over her, digging his toes into the carpet to gently sway back and forth. 

Eliza is enraptured by her dad reading her favorite book to her, eyes wide as she clings to every syllable. She usually falls asleep to it, conditioned from countless nights where it’s been used as a bedtime story, but she’s still fresh from her nap. Besides, she’s having too much fun with this daddy-daughter bonding to be sleepy. 

She only gets fussy again once Eddie closes the book, her symptoms more prominent without the distraction of Eddie’s story-telling skills. 

“I think it’s time for another dose of medicine, baby girl,” Eddie whispers, trying to appear enthusiastic despite his own waning energy levels.

She downs the syrup easily, so out of sorts that she doesn’t even process its rancid taste until after it’s done. Eddie laughs at her contorted face, plopping down on the couch. “All right, my brave little girl,” he says as he grabs the remote, “what should we watch?”

The mere question brings a tiny spark to Eliza’s eyes, giving her just enough energy to bounce in her dad’s lap and point at the TV. “Mermah!”

“The Little Mermaid again?”

Eliza nods and Eddie internally groans. It’s a cute movie, but he’s pretty sure he could recite it line for line at this point. 

“Okay, let’s go under the sea,” he says as he starts the movie from the beginning, settling in to listen to Sebastian belt out “Under the Sea” for the umpteenth time. 

Still curled up into his chest, no indication of moving anytime soon, Eliza wipes her runny nose on her dad’s t-shirt. She doesn’t take her eyes off of the screen as she rubs her nose against the soft cotton with a sniffle. 

“Thanks, kid.”

“Welcuh.”

Eliza settles her head on the middle of her father’s chest and watches the different colored fish and sea life all gather together at the concert for King Triton. Eddie doesn’t really pay attention, mostly just focusing on how the little girl’s breathing is sounding and trying to keep her body supported up against his. 

But Eddie’s ears perk up when a familiar little voice joins in with the singing on screen. Ariel is singing “Part of Your World” and there’s a small, congested mumble singing alongside her. Eddie grins to himself as he listens to his daughter’s rendition. 

“Schingamabobs? Gots twenny. Bu’ who cawes? No bih deal. I wan’ mooooooo.”

All the times Eddie insisted on singing to Eliza while she was in your womb have seemed to pay off. She’s a little musical prodigy after his own heart. 

“You wanna be a mermaid, Lize?” Eddie asks her softly. She nods in response, never taking her eyes off of the television screen. 

Eddie half-heartedly watches the movie with her from that point forward. When it comes to the scene of Ariel using a fork as a comb for her hair at the dinner table, Eliza reaches up and begins to play with her own hair. Silky brown curls slip through her little fingers as she absentmindedly strokes her locks. Eddie would love to know what’s going on inside her head right now. Is she thinking of trying to use a fork as a comb? When Eliza brings a few pieces of her hair in front of her face to study, Eddie has another thought. He wonders if she wants to have the same red hair as her favorite Disney princess. To show her that he loves her hair just the way it is, Eddie presses a few soft kisses to the top of her head. 

As the movie progresses, Eliza becomes stiller on Eddie’s chest, and she’s not made a peep in a while. Her father watches her tiny back move up and down and sees it’s going in a slow, steady rhythm. As if to further prove his suspicion that she’s asleep, the sounds of her stuffy snores reach Eddie’s ears, making him smile. 

Eliza stirs a bit, wiggling around in an attempt to get comfortable in a new position. Eddie gently wraps his arm around her to rub her little back in calming circles. Within seconds, she’s out like a light again. 

“Daddy’s always gonna be here for you, Liza Bean,” he murmurs against her scalp, sweaty from fever. He takes a deep breath and settles in. 

Neither he nor Eliza wake when you return home, both of them sound asleep on the couch. The kitchen is a mess; there’s a random piece of sandwich on the floor and a melted lemon Italian ice on the table, but clean-up can wait for a moment. 

You watch the two of them breathe in tandem, heart soaring at the way your daughter curls up into her dad with all the love and trust in the world. 

Fatherhood looks perfect on him, you think, but wrinkle your nose upon further inspection, but the booger stains on his shirt definitely do not. 

[trans-axolotl]

I think the reason psychosis is always viewed as a crisis by non-schizo effected people is cause neurotypical people are always told and believe that an episode of psychosis is the most terrifying thing that could happen. Like at least from my experience, descriptions, talks, and depictions of psychosis is AS something that's deathly scary to not know (and assumably never again know) what's real and what isn't, some depictions showing any episodes as worse than death. Like obviously that's not true but it stays with people; the telling of "it's the worst thing that could ever happen everytime" and definitely made the first few times I dealt with psychosis and hallucinations a lot worse and a lot scarier

yeah! so much of the messaging around psychosis and schizophrenia is so fucking dangerous because of the way it continually reinforces these ideas that psychosis is always terrifying, life-ending, and the worst case scenario. like that can have materially dangerous impacts on the lives of people living with psychosis/altered states. i think that kind of stigmatizing messaging about psychosis really demobilizes people in our communities and convinces people that they don't have the capability to support their loved ones with psychosis, and instead creates this idea that "professionals" are the only ones who could ever actually support someone through psychosis. and that leads to so much more forced institutionalization, pathologization, violence towards people experiencing psychosis, and just really a lack of the kind of proactive community support that could actually help prevent some kinds of crisis and distress.

i think it also makes it really hard for us, when we start experiencing psychosis/altered states for the first time, because there's really no framework for us to understand and cope with our experiences beyond just "this is the worst thing ever and there's no options for me." i think it creates a lot of forced shame and secrecy, as well as pushing a lot of us into more intense crisis because we have nowhere to go to get support. and like, when you google this half the shit that comes up tells you to call 911 immediately, and when you're someone who can't do that because it's dangerous for you, you're just left with no fucking options or getting pushed into treatment options that don't respect your autonomy.

i wish there was a lot more recognition that psychosis/altered states are something that can happen to anyone, and actually do happen to a lot more people to varying degrees and in different contexts. that psychosis is something that it is possible to live fulfilling and meaningful lives with. that you don't need to be an expert to support someone living with psychosis/altered states. and that there is so many ways of living with psychosis, and that antipsychotics and therapy are not the only options, and should never be a forced option. i also have so many thoughts about how desperately we need informed consent for antipsychotic medications and how fucking mad i am about the amount of information that is withheld from psychotic people about the side effects of our meds, the withdrawal experience, dosages, other options, etc etc etc.

anyway i just really recommend that everyone, whether you're someone who experiences psychosis/altered states or not, learns more about psychosis and do the work to challenge all these internalized myths we learn from society and the psych system. i highly recommend checking out the hearing voices network, and also really recommend Project LETS anticarceral altered states training to learn more ways to help support yourself and your loved ones.

thanks for this ask, i really agree with what you're saying!

[jellycrusher]

Wolves and Lambs: Part 4

Alpha Max Verstappen x Omega fem!driver

Genre: Series, Omega verse, Enemies to Lovers, Romance, Eventual smut

Summary: Male Alphas are the ones who dominate motor sports all around the world, especially Formula 1. It is a well known fact. Females in general nor Female Omegas are never heard nor encouraged to join the sport since the 1950s. Well, up until now...

Word Count: 5.8k

Chapter's Premise: y/n finds herself trying to come to terms on who she is and how she avoided her heat for so long.

Parts: W&L masterlist / general masterlist

"You heard the doctor. You have to stop taking your suppressants for a while." Megan takes the prescription sheet from your hands and shoves it in her bag.

Both of you just came out from the doctor's office. Megan was meticulous in giving you a disguise just in case anyone is going to spot you. You put your head down and hide in your little canopy of protection, your Aston Martin hat. A bit obvious but it's the only one you have at the moment.

"I can't. If it comes during a race weekend, I'm dead." You reply as you walk side by side with Megan, confined by the hospital walls.

"Ay Dios Mio. Your constant intake of suppressants may be the reason why you haven't had your first heat yet at 25 years old. We don't know if there's gonna be negative side effects on your health." Megan tries her best to whisper under her breath.

"Hey, that's not proven." You halt in your steps and turn to her, lifting your head up to face her.

"But the doc says it may be a factor. You can't keep it hidden forever. It has to come sooner or later. If it comes biting your ass, don't come running to me for help."

"I don't want to be confined on what biology or society dictates me to be. I want to prove to everyone first what I can do and who I am." You continue to walk.

"I understand. I just don't want something bad to happen to you." She groaned.

"Fine. If I win a race, then i'll start tapering my dosage. I'll let it come when it wants to come."

"When you win a podium, not a race. Better odds."

"Fine. A podium."

You felt like you've been basking in the sun, warm against your skin. You didn't want to look at yourself. For every second after that encounter in the elevator until now that you've stayed frozen behind the door of your room, everything was silent.

Your body was fighting your mind. You didn't want this. For so many years, your family and friends, who knew what you really are, told you that we're all bound to meet our mate. We'll know when we meet them.

No. You don't want to. Maybe just not right now. Yes, it's romantic to see couples who are mated and are having the time of their lives. But what if they fell for another person before they met their mate? And what if they refuse their Alpha? What would happen?

Right now, you just want to succeed in this career first. Call yourself stupid for going against your biological desires but there's a lot riding on this. Your parents sacrificed a lot just to get where you are right now. You want to prove that Omegas can also achieve greatness. Female Omegas can also stand in the halls of the greats.

Maybe you're just stubborn. Meeting your mate wouldn't be the end of the world. If you give in, you won't lose anything. Maybe.

Maybe you're just overthinking. Maybe you're being too stubborn.

Max is not a bad person. You've said it yourself before. He is actually a decent guy. Well, just from your text messages but there were no deep conversations yet. You don't love him to see him as your mate. You might learn to love him but it doesn't feel right for your feelings to be swayed just because your biological desires him so.

You barely slept a wink last night. The inkling that bothered you for a few weeks now since the first race have just been confirmed, and the fact that Max left you a lot of messages that you haven't read yet made your mind in a state of disarray.

Megan barged in your room to wake you up. She even had to throw the covers off the bed and furiously opened the curtains, blinding you with the beaming sun. You groan hard as she pulls you out of the comfort of your bed.

"I can't believe this. We're late! Ay Santo Dios..." Megan continued to mention a lot of words that you were not familiar with as she looks at your commitments for the day from her phone screen.

It only took a few moments and the both of you are now on your merry way to the circuit with you being the driver. Megan was still very furious at you for you haven't given her a reason for your tardiness. At the same time, your phone was still blowing up from Max's messages.

"I've had it with your ringtone. I'll set it to silent." Megan pulls your phone from the center console and sees '50 messages' beside the name 'He Who Must Be Avoided At All Times' on the screen.

"It's fine, leave it." You're barely able to look at Megan because you had to focus on the road.

"Who's this? Is there a guy bothering you? Stalking you?!" she asks.

"No. Just leave it." With eyes still glued to the road, you try to yank the phone off her hands.

"Tell me. Is it a stalker?! 'Cause if it is, i'll kill him." She warned.

"Please no. Relax, it's not a stalker." You assured in a calm tone as she hands the phone to you.

"Y/N. If you're in a dangerous situation and you're not telling me, your mom will kill me." She appealed.

Well, that's not impossible. These two are overprotective.

"Megan..." You paused. Megan patiently waits for your answer as you drum your fingers anxiously on the wheel. "It's Max."

"Oh, Max... Wait, who's Max? from Red Bull?" Megan rambles. "Why? Did he do anything to you?"

"He did nothing. It's just.. He found out last night that I was an Omega. I've been avoiding his texts since then." You confessed, tightening your grip on the wheel.

"How? You were always careful."

"That's the thing. I was. I'm still on my suppressants." You gently scratch the surface of the wheel. "Remember when you told me how you met your husband? Your mate?"

"Yes." Megan now replied slowly, now under a notion at where the conversation is going. "Oh my god! Is he..?"

"I think so." you confessed.

Megan was about to shriek from joy but she stopped for she knew how you would respond. For her, it sounds romantic. For you, it's not. She can't count how many times your rejected the idea of having a biological mate. It wasn't against the law of anybody to love somebody else aside your fated mate but for your body to act against your will regardless of what you feel. That's what you dislike about it.

"I still have to talk to him about it. I can't have him blabbering to everyone on the grid." You added. "Let's take this one step at a time."

"You still have a race later. Better focus on that first." She replies as she takes off her seatbelt when you arrived at the car park in the circuit.

Megan hauled you to the team hospitality to prepare you for the drivers' briefing. When you arrived at the briefing hall, majority of the drivers were already seated and the team principals were standing around in a circle, chatting. You stood by the door looking for an empty seat to take when you saw Charles, Oscar, and Lando calling you to take the seat they reserved for you on the third row. Your feet took a few steps when a hand suddenly but gently caught your wrist.

"We need to talk. You've been ignoring my texts." Max urged, eyes dead straight at you.

"Max, not here. Later." You scan the room for any eyes or ears that might eavesdrop as you carefully remove his hand from you.

Max takes a second to compose himself then tugs his hand through his hair. "Fine. Sit with me then."

"I'll choose my own seat. Thank you." You replied as you walk away from him, not giving him enough time to add more. Max's hand hovered uncertainly as if to stop you but he lets his hand limp

You strut farther into the hall and the three men gave you space to stride along the third row to take your seat between Charles and Oscar. Max took an empty seat on the first row beside Checo. He can't help but steal some glances in your direction during the driver's briefing.

It was hard to ignore Max as well. One good thing that your incident with Max has caused is that his scent doesn't make you cower in fear anymore. Knowing the reason why the dynamics between the two of you had changed, you mentally slap your pheromone-disturbed self from inhaling his lingering scent.

His scent wasn't really distinct before. For you, it was associated with fear or something menacing, but now he smelled so crisp like Cotton and sweet like baked Tangerine. Being that close to each other gave you a chance to actually distinguish his scent. Just remembering Max's small sniffs on your neck makes your body squirm, in a good way. It was nice and comforting. But it also felt sensual.

Alpha smells so good. Let's smell him once more. You mentally slap yourself once more, shaking off the tiny voice from your inner Omega in your head.

"I heard from Lance that you're moving. Where will you stay?" Charles' voice took you out from your trance just as the drivers' briefing just ended.

"In Monaco. It being a tax-free haven sounds enticing." you replied in glee knowing that it was the Monegasque who asked you.

Noticing the other younger drivers to turn to you after hearing your response, it took a moment for you to remember that a number of them were living there.

Lando perks up, legs bouncing. He leans forward and peeked his head across Oscar. "Do you know how to play Padel?" you shake your head. "We'll teach you. We had been waiting for another member to join our little club."

"He just wants to have the bragging right when he defeats all of us." Oscar chuckled, arms crossed on his chest.

"He even almost made Max cry. Have some mercy on all of us, will you?" Charles adds, further teasing Lando.

"I'll tell you when I've settled in. Maybe a housewarming lunch or dinner sounds good?" You ask. Lando quickly taps Alex's shoulder to tell him about your new residence and a possibility of a new member for their F1 drivers-exclusive Padel Club.

"I'm going to tour you to some of the best places. You still owe me a car ride." Charles couldn't help but smile at you, already making up a list in his mind.

When the briefing ended, all of the drivers went their own way back to their hospitalities. At the corner of your eyes, you saw Max hurriedly stood up from his seat on the first row and was about to make his way towards you. He noticed the miniscule squirm your body did when your eyes met. You almost panic in your seat but he came to an abrupt stop when he saw Megan pull you away.

Max tried his best to look for a chance to talk to you, much to his dismay. There wasn't much time for each of the drivers to get to interact with each other, especially during race day. After some of his media commitments in the morning were done, he went to visit the Aston Martin hospitality. He comes up to the small ledge when he saw Lance chatting with some of the staff.

"Hey Lance." Lance gets up from his seat when he noticed Max and greets him with a one-armed hug and a double backslap. "Have you seen y/n?"

"I think Sky Sports has her for an interview, I think. You know, the usual." Lance replies as he sits down. Max groans go unnoticed.

"Do you know when she might be free? I need to talk to her." Max asks as he leans his hand on the ledge.

"Maybe after the race? Her schedule's so full today. Haven't even seen her stay here in the hospitality for more than 15 minutes. Megan even got her shooting a lot of content for our Tiktok account."

"Megan?" Max quirks up his eyebrow.

"Speaking of..." Lance chimed in as he spots Megan behind Max, about to walk inside. "Megan!" She stops and turns to Lance's direction. "He's looking for y/n." He points at Max and Megan's eyes follow.

Megan thought differently when she saw Max right there, comfortably leaning on the ledge. It was in her overprotective instinct to assume that Max might possibly be a snitch or asking anyone in the team regarding what you are. She walks up to Max and asked him to come with her, already walking away without waiting for a response. Max was confused at first but did not hesitate to follow behind.

Max and Megan comes to a halt in an empty corner in the paddock, away from prying eyes.

"What are you doing?" Megan snaps around and narrows her eyes at him, arms crossed on her chest.

"I was just asking for y/n." Max innocently confessed.

"Were you going to tell on her? I can't believe you." She leans forward as if interrogating the driver.

Max leans back, baffled by the sudden change in demeanor. "No. Of course not... Wait, you know?" He tries to whisper.

She tries to examine his face for a minute for any sign of a lie but relaxes when she felt that he was telling the truth. "Listen, Max. I know she's been avoiding you but I need her to be at her best today. She needs to be on that podium."

"Don't we all?" Max scoffs.

"No, you don't understand. I need her to be on the podium because her health is on the line. I've let her be stubborn for too long 'cause she's in love with racing too much but I finally had her to agree, at last. I don't know what's going on between the two of you but please don't distract her too much today." She pleads with a serious tone.

Max hated knowing that it wasn't his place to pry. All he wanted from you was answers but it seems that even more questions are piling up. What does she mean? Your health is on the line? Are you sick? Are you injured? How is it connected to you getting that podium?

His inner Alpha was trying to fight himself.

Our omega... She's hurt or sick. Ask for more information. No, we're clearly told to stay put. She's not ours. Isn't it clear that she's avoiding us? Than ask her directly. Let's smell her again. No. Just shut up. Stay.

"Understood?" Megan asserts herself, taking Max out of his trance.

"Yes ma'am."

Megan waited for a bit to see how Max would take their conversation but left quickly when she saw that people are now starting to crowd the paddock. Max stayed in that quiet corner for a few seconds before going out into the paddock. There he saw you, sitting just outside your team's hospitality with Alonso and surrounded by a few cameras and staff. Probably completing a challenge with your teammate. His eyes locked onto you, taking in your smile. It was invigorating for him to see you having fun.

He used to feel so foreign around you. When he sees you having fun with his friends, it irritated him. His face used to turn sour when Lando or Alex hype you up.

There was something about you that intrigues him. You weren't able to race with most of them back then. Charles was a bit familiar with you because you got to race alongside his brother. Oscar and Logan had only met you once or twice and they had raced with you in a few Grand Prix but usually a lot of drivers keep to themselves and stayed in their own garages.

Then there's the big elephant in the room. You were an Omega, no doubt. After the incident in the elevator, he did scour the internet after his haze faded when he got back in his room. There were only articles about you stating that you were an Alpha, your achievements in F2 and F3, and also the highlights of your racing career. No scandals, not much haters. There were no articles claiming you have a bad beef with any driver.

For a public personality, you kept pretty quiet. Maybe that's why no one has discovered your secret yet. But that would be an extreme feat. To conceal your identity. What about heats? The horrendous and taxing schedule of Formula 1 isn't really ideal for Omegas. He recalled when Lando had to deal with Oscar's heat every month. When they were still unmated, Lando had to tiptoe around Oscar and avoid him when his pheromones were on the highest setting. How the other drivers reacted to him when it came around race weekend. It took them at least 5 months to come to the truth that they needed each other.

It was a bit easier for Oscar because everyone knows that he is an Omega since the start. They knew they had to avoid him when Lando or Oscar gave them a heads up. It scares him thinking that it will be much harder for you but it was also amazing how good you hide it.

Questions for another day, he admits to himself.

You were having a blast going against Nando in a PR competition when you spot Max walking through the paddock. Your eyes met and it made you nervous that he might come up and wait for you but no, he avoided your eyes and continued to walk. Your eyes followed his figure, relieved but also worried. Fernando had to call your attention to continue the challenge.

Your PR and media commitments were finally done and then, there was the driver's parade. The crowds in the grandstands were almost full and it was deafening. Everyone was screaming each of the drivers' names when they were called and when it was your turn to be introduced, it was heartwarming to hear their warm welcome. A smile so wide painted your face as you greet the driver while stepping in the convertible car and sat on the surface of the rear end near the deck lid.

You waited for your car's cue to go but you see it got delayed. There were a slight commotion amongst the staff that were on standby on the track and they were pointing to something behind you. You turn around and they were checking the car behind yours that was supposed to be for Max. Apparently, the engine of his parade car won't start again.

Fernando's car already left way before you and also Checo's. The staff are now pointing at yours and you see that the people who were talking to Max assisted him to get off the car. They were ushering him to your direction. Someone slapped Max's car number onto the side of your convertible. You now realize that they're letting you and Max share a car so that this problem won't delay the program.

The car shook slightly as Max climbs up the convertible. Max sees you scooting to one side trying to avoid his eyes so he quietly sat down on the other side of the convertible's rear. Both of you started to wave to the crowd as the engine of the convertible purred. Max would steal a few glances when you're not looking. Your body was stiff and awkward, in contrast to what you were showing the crowd, smiling and waving.

"Relax. It's not like I bite." Max spoke up just loud enough for you to hear under all those noise. "Just concentrate on the race later or else, you'll be an easy target for these guys."

You snap your head around and glared at him. He had this smug smile while still waving. "They wish." You scoff.

With just a few words from him, you find your shoulders loosening up. Slightly offended by his insinuation but you knew that he was just riling you up. It was also surprising that Max didn't bother to disturb you since the briefing. You would be at shoulder's length but still, he'd just nod when your eyes met.

The drivers' parade ended quickly and every driver headed for their respective garages to prepare. You spent the remaining time training with your physio and getting enough rest. The last program was for the national anthem. You make your way onto the track and answered a few questions for a Sky Sports presenter who was roaming and interviewing some of the drivers. You stood behind a grid kid to take your place and kept quiet. Right before the anthem was played, you noticed the female grid kid trying to steal a look at you. You smile back at her and she quietly squealed as she swiftly face in front. When the anthem finished playing and as you follow the other drivers exiting the track, your grid kid raised her hand to request for a high five. You gladly pressed your palm on hers and the other grid kids also eagerly raised their hand as you pass by them, catching the attention of the other drivers and the cameras.

You find yourself gritting your teeth and hands clenching the wheel as you drive the car in your grid position at the track during the formation lap. You look up at the red lights above.

"It's lights out and away we go, here at the Jeddah Corniche Circuit! and it's Max Verstappen who takes the lead of the Saudi Arabian Grand Prix."

With a good reaction time, you were able to overtake three places from 15th. You were able to fend for your position well in those crucial first few laps of the race. You attacked, you defended, you attacked, you defended. It was a constant cycle.

Max, who had started in pole position, lost the lead to Charles on the third sector in the second lap, won it back by the fourth lap and slowly and methodically pulled away for his second win of the season.

It took you only eight laps to move into 10th place, and only eight more to rise to sixth. By the halfway point of the race, and helped by the fortuitous arrival of a safety car that allowed you to make up even more ground, you find yourself in fourth.

"Y/n had played down her chances of victory from the moment a broken drive shaft ended her qualifying early Saturday and left her in 15th place. But that did not mean she had any intention of staying in the back of the field. Look at her picking her way through the pack behind her with ease"

Your driving style was aggressive and clever, a total beast on the offence. The journalists have also made note of your tyre preservation prowess. They have published a few articles after the first race mentioning that with your pairing with Alonso this year, Aston Martin can gain considerable confidence that it will be regularly able to take on the red cars and the black ones fielded by Mercedes too.

At around lap 46, Ben informs you through the radio that Lewis who is in P3 at the moment incurred a 5 second penalty. With Charles on P2 just 2 seconds ahead of Lewis and you tailing behind just a second away, there might be a chance for you to end up on the podium at the end of this race. You just have to maintain the gap behind Lewis and also for Lewis to continue battling with Charles.

Ben: "So, one more lap y/n, just bring it home." Y/N: "Think something happened to my left tyre." Ben: "Ok, copy. So Sainz, 30 seconds behind, battling with Russell."

You peek at your front left tyre and it was starting to wobble. You may have hit something on the track, possibly puncturing the tyre.

Ben: "If you go Diff-Mid 12, Sainz 20 seconds and gap to Lewis is 2 seconds." Ben: "Now 17 seconds. Now 16 seconds."

The car was already slowing down and the left tyre was tumbling around on its rim. Ben was constantly updating you but you did not bother to respond.

Ben: "So use Strat 5. 10 seconds to Sainz and 3 seconds from Lewis." Ben: "7 seconds to Sainz. 6 seconds to Sainz." Ben: "Maintain this gap to Lewis. 4 seconds."

You've passed the last corner and about to go on the straight where the chequered flag should be when you saw Sainz closely tailing behind you. With your feet instinctively pushing flat out, your car zoomed past and hopefully closing the gap with Lewis in less than 5 seconds for P3 position.

Y/N: "Do we have it?! TELL ME BEN, DO WE HAVE IT??" Ben: "That's it, y/n! You've done it, P3! YOU'VE DONE IT! Wow, you've done it y/n." Y/N: "Was there a flag? I did not see it." Ben: "There was a flag. You've done it though. Just stop. You can pull the car over. We'll come and get you." Y/N: "Fuck that was close! Sorry for the profanity." Ben: "Yeah, I was about to say the same thing. That was a close call. Too close for comfort. But awesome work, mate." Y/N: "LET'S GO!!!!! BEN, WE DID IT!!!"

Your team radio is now being broadcasted across all tv screens worldwide. As Max and the other drivers complete their slow lap around the track after they've crossed the line, they catch a glimpse of you in the screens. Throwing your hands in celebration, still inside the cockpit. When you got out of the car at the side of the track, you knelt down and pats the damaged tyre aggressively as if thanking the car.

You had to do your best as not to cry from overwhelming joy. You felt like you won the race for P3 but you didn't. It was as if you were soaring through the clouds right then. The crowds at the grandstands were screaming your name, fireworks were setting off in the background. That was for Max, of course, but it couldn't hurt to imagine that it could be for you too.

You were picked up by a safety car and your car was towed to the parc ferme. When you got out of the car, Oscar jumped at the moment to wrap you in a hug, Lando following behind.

Warm and sincere congratulations, pats on the backs and helmet taps too, were sent over your way when you threw yourself to your team of mechanics and engineers who were waiting on the other side of the barricade. You took off your helmet and balaclava so you could properly breathe and to revel in the sounds of your victory.

You were the first one who had to do the post-race interview, followed by Charles in P2 and Max in P1. You couldn't contain your smile, choking on your words yet again.

"Y/n!" David Coulthard calls out your name in joy. "That was an amazing race. You had your maiden pole last race and now, your maiden F1 podium after just 2 races in this season. Could you tell me more?"

"With the information of Lewis' 5 second penalty, I had to give everything on the table. I've never had a race like that before. We tried to maintain the gap but also had to monitor Carlos behind as well. It was a team effort and I couldn't have done it without them."

"Your last lap had us trembling in our seats. You managed to bring home your car across the line in that state. How did you do it?" David asked with such enthusiasm.

"I don't know how I've managed to be cool in that period but I just... I had no choice. Survival instincts came over me and I've come all this way. I'm not gonna pull over and back off to let anyone drive pass. I was thinking 'How can I get there with taking as much risks as possible without losing the car altogether?'. I still can't believe I did it." You try to take a few deep breaths after you finished your interview, still reeling in from that feeling of accomplishment.

Max and Charles pats your back as the three of you walked towards the cooldown room. The huge screen showing the highlights of the race, including your tyre mishap and struggle to cross the finish line for P3. Charles hands you a water bottle and you took it, not peeling your eyes away from the screen. If you only had your phone, you would take a photo of the small pillar with a huge number 3 and a small screen playing your driver intro bit.

The three of you are now ushered to prepare for the podium ceremony. Your feet was quick to move after your name was called. The crowd roared with applause and cheers as you made your way up the podium. You stood patiently on your step as you hear Charles' and Max's name. Despite feeling a bit flushed due to the adrenaline from winning P3, your cheeks felt a bit cold as you place your hands on the side of your face.

Your race suit now wet from the champagne being sprayed amongst the podium placers. Charles and Max were having fun targeting you, spraying the champagne at your face. They both admired your blissful smile and eyes filled with euphoria.

"Champagne suits you. Congratulations y/n!" Max can't help but admit to himself that you were an excellent racer. Your expression softened when you heard him and it's like Max's heart skipped a beat.

"Thanks Max. Congratulations on winning!" As if the champagne rain slowed down, it was just you and Max. The stage lights made the champagne sparkle, trickling down on both of you. He never saw anyone be so ecstatic in getting P3 but you made celebrating look so beautiful and graceful.

You watched Max's face as he shared a smile with you but not a second later, you could clearly see the horror in his face as his body stiffen.

"Y/n, your nose." Charles cocks his head to the side of Max, inconspicuously pointing to his nose, prompting you to do the same. Your hand crept up to your face and it was met by a warm liquid oozing down your nose. When you swiped it off, you saw blood on your fingertips.

Max was quick to turn you around, shielding you from the cameras. You try to wipe your nose with your arm but the blood can't seem to stop.

"Are you okay? What's wrong? Do you want us to call the medics?" Max whispers in panic, still spraying the champagne at Charles and towards the crowd below as he shields you behind him. To the people below and in the crowd, it was as if you're just wiping the champagne off your face.

"Relax. It's just a nosebleed. This will pass." You whispered, still trying to wipe off the remaining blood. The sleeve of your green suit now tinted red. "What the heck, it's not stopping."

"Y/n, I think the cameramen are now noticing." Charles' eyes darted to the cameramen below and above.

"I've been a bit more anemic lately. I think that's why." You murmured.

"When Megan told me that your health is compromised, is this it?" Max leans to your side a bit, still facing front and waving to the crowd.

"You talked to her? What did she tell you?!" You glared at Max, surprising the two men.

"Y/n, Max, can you two talk about it later? We're still on the podium." Charles cleared his throat.

You slightly nudged Max away from you, not noticed by the crowd, while you pinch your nose and cover your face. Max can't help but stare in concern at your figure. His inner Alpha wanting to carry you and rush to medic's tent.

Then the ceremony ended.

"Y/n, come on. I haven't told him much, I promise. I just told him to leave you alone that day." Megan pleaded as she follows you while carrying a large box filled with your household items.

You open the door to let Megan in but you avoid her eyes. She darts across the empty unit, footsteps echoing along the walls, to place the box labeled 'Kitchen Items' down on the floor. You sighed, accepting defeat, as you drop the huge bag of items that you were carrying.

"Fine, but next time, stop telling him unnecessary information."

"Hey, your health was not an unnecessary information. I'm just glad you're fine now. I told you that your prolonged use of suppressants will eventually bite you in the ass." She rambled.

"Yes, yes. You gotta stop scolding me. It's been like a thousand times already." You groaned. "I got the podium and I'm on a suppressant detox. Happy?"

"Yes. I'm working on your schedule just in case it came early." Megan skips across the unit and stopped near the door. "I'll get the last box. You can stay here just in case the delivery company calls through the intercom." She exits the unit after you nod your head.

The empty huge apartment unit was now filled with unopened boxes. There were no furnitures yet but the anticipation of decorating your new home is making you excited. Wood and cured paint scent filled the air. It was relaxing for you but after a while, it's actually nauseating so you open the door to the balcony.

Coldness of the elegant granite greeted your arms as you lean against it. Your apartment is located in a spot overlooking the marina where you can spot plentiful yachts. With just a soft breeze, you could almost smell the sea. Even with your eyes closed, you could vividly visualize the city below you from its sound. The hustle and bustle of Monaco.

Closing your eyes for a few seconds made you yawn. You are still recovering from that horrific anemic bout during the podium ceremony in the Saudi Arabian Grand Prix. The team had to recommend you to a local hospital for a check up and was just given a prescription. You took a flight out the next day and went straight to "Moving Out" mode. It hasn't been two days since the race but here you are, renting a luxurious apartment in Monaco, about to live your best life.

"Looks like you could fit a head in your mouth." You heard a familiar warm voice coming from above your balcony. When you opened your eyes, there was someone peeking their head out of their balcony and looking down below at you, apparently still yawning. You closed your mouth in embarrassment.

"Max?!"

"Hi neighbor!"

Next part: Part 5

Taglist: @laura-naruto-fan1998 @fanboyluvr @giffywiffy3408 @notyouraveragemochii @cmleitora @exotic-iris13 @topguncultleader @mirrorball-6 @barcelonaloverf1life @silscintilla @aquangxl @whyamireadingthis @imaddict

[girl-failure]

Transwoman needs answers

this isnt an easy post to write and it's going to be full of info about me that's personal and embarassing but I am desperate for answers and assitance so please bear with me. Long story short, im almost 3 years hrt (may 19th will be exact) and it's like nothing has changed. More info under the cut.

I'm going to try and explain everything to the best of my memory, but exact dosages and stuff might be fuzzy and inexact. I began HRT on May 19th 2021, when I was 22. I took one and a half 2mg pills, twice (morning and night) daily. I took them sublingually. I was also prescribed Spironolactone, though the exact dose escapes me (i remember it was 1 pill nightly). I had only come out as trans in the December the previous year, so i considered myself unfathomably lucky to get to start so soon. I had done this through informed consent at a planned parenthood and was excited by the possibility of a future where my own body didn't make me want to die. The idea of changing my body gave me a feeling of control in my life that had been entirely absent until that point. I knew I wanted all the help I could get with breast development (the women in my immediate family are well endowed) and I had read & heard from other trans women that prog could help, but I'd have to wait to ask for it.

I think it was on December 15, 2021, I was officially prescribed 100 progesterone nightly. At this point I had began to notice softer skin, lighter hair, the few bits of acne left over from high school had gone entirely, and the inklings of breasts beginning to form. My libido had all but dissipated entirely at that point, but I was told (mostly by other trans women) it would come back, especially after starting prog, and that my body would likely experience pleasure differently, and that my orgasm would be very different. The fat from my stomach (i wasn't overweight or underweight, i was pretty average for a man my height, but I did have a masculine stomach I despised) hadn't relocated at all, but I knew HRT wasn't a sprint, but a marathon, and I had a long way to go. This continued for a long time, eventually i would be bumped up to two 2mg of E (sublingual pill) twice daily (8mg total), and my Spiro would change to 200mg a day EDIT: My Spiro dosages did fluctuate, though again I don't recall the exact dosages, (I initially got it confused with my prog dosage, sorry), though there was the occasional few week period where I'd be bumped back down to one and a half E pills because I had timed my blood-work poorly. It had been a while since starting HRT and I was starting to worry. My libido never came back, I was unable to feel the sensation of pleasure entirely, my breasts & nipples never became sensitive or had growth pains, and my breasts really hadn't grown at all. My stomach still made me feel awful and masculine because fat continued to pile up there instead of in the feminine places I was told and led to believe it should!!! I was scared and frightened and upset. I'd say I developed an eating disorder but my eating was already disordered. I was afraid of food. Afraid it'd just make me look manly, instead of going to my hips/waist/whatever and breasts like it was supposed to. I began to feel like the hrt that was supposed to save my life was just making me feel worse.

On October 23rd, 2023, I finally started seeing a doctor again after 9 years of not being able to afford it, and only then because a parent got insurance through their work. I was officially prescribed Estradiol Valerate (.3mL intramuscular, and the bottle itself is 20mg/mL) , and quit Spiro outright. Now that I was talking to a doc, especially one who had been working with trans people in my area for years, I was starting to have hope again that maybe injections would solve my problems. After all, they're supposed to be more powerful right? Well after some blood-work revealing that my T levels were so low they were undetectable, we started fiddling with my injection dosages. I went down to .25mL. Nothing changed. I went down to .2ml. Nothing changed. I stayed at .2mL and was prescribed a med called EstraTest (.625mg E and 1.25mg T), a single pill which has both E and T in it, to try and raise my T levels back to measurable levels and hopefully find that golden ratio of E and T where maybe my body will start working again and start changing. But that brings us today. I still don't feel any sensation of pleasure (masturbating is pointless, intimacy just feels like I'm disappointing my partner), let alone a female orgasm (which as embarrassing as it is to admit, I was really looking forward to), my nipples still don't get sensitive and my chest doesn't get sore or get growing pains. My breasts look the same way they did 4 months into hrt. I've still had practically no fat redistribution, though I've gotten better about eating and not being afraid of food. I'm even beginning to notice my acne slowing starting to come back. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Why has nothing worked? Why does it feel like I'm regressing? I lost my health insurance earlier this week, and I can't afford to see my doctor again with my dumb pizza delivery job, so I haven't been able to ask to try anything more drastic to try and fix these issues. My current theories are that maybe my body is just more resistant to E? Which would be awful, but might be handled by just tripling my dose or something? Or

that my receptors are fried, and that the only solution would be to stop taking my HRT for a while (maybe even a long while). I pray that isn't the case, because I'd sooner off myself then let my body regress any further.

So this is a call for help. If anyone has any idea what could be causing these problems for me, or knows how I might be able to fix them, PLEASE let me know. I've lost hope in having a future as a woman, or even just feeling apathy towards my body (instead of intense self-loathing) at this point.

Here's my ca$happ if anyone wants to throw some money my way and maybe I'll be able to see the doctor again. cash.app/$occultChloe

[propertyofwhitney67]

can’t stop thinking abt this so needed to share. imagine taking care of whitney when he’s sick. he’s trying so hard to act tough and doesn’t want his slut to him so weak. but he’s grateful for your help secretly. and he gets a high enough fever that he’s all silly and is all soft and snuggly hnnngh

Sick Whitney

Note: Loved this so much I had to write a short fic about it. (pc definitely gets sick afterward and he takes care of them)

I woke up and was greeted by the sound of rain hitting my window. I quickly got dressed and made my way to the park to see Whitney. 

I couldn't spot his umbrella anywhere and spent a good few hours checking all the spots where he normally hangs out to no avail. I huffed, where the hell is he? As a last ditch effort I went to his house.

I went around the side and to his window, not wanting to have to deal with either of his parents. The curtains were shut so I couldn't see in, I knocked anyway. The curtains were pushed aside, revealing a grumpy Whitney. He was still in his pajamas and looked miserable, “What do you want slut?” His voice was muffled through the window.

I rolled my eyes and gestured for him to open the window. He grumbled but opened it and stepped back. He laid back down on his bed as I crawled in, shutting it behind me. I noticed tissues were strewn about and some cough medicine on his bedside table. I looked at him curiously, “You ok…?”

He had his eyes closed and was rubbing his forehead, “Fuck off.”

I sighed and closed the curtains, bathing the room in darkness. I sat beside him and moved his hand and felt his forehead, he grumbled but seemed too weak to stop me. “Jesus Whit, you have a fever.”

“I’m fine, I don’t need your fucking help.” He grumbled, shoving my hand away. He tossed on his side with his back to me, “Leave.”

I sighed and stood up, “I’m going to get you some medicine that will actually help you.” I didn’t wait for an answer and left through the window.

When I got back Whitney looked even more pitiful, if that was possible. “Ok,” I said and sat my bag down and got out the medicine, “this should help.”

“I don’t need your fucking help.” He groaned, sounding worse than he did earlier.

“Don’t care.” I said while opening the DayQuil. I pored out the dosage into the little measuring cup. “Come on.” He huffed but sat up, looking miserable. “It’s not going to taste good but you have to take it.” He looked at the little cup with anger, like it offended him in some way.

He forcefully grabbed the cup and drank it with a grimace, “You can leave now.” He said, still as stubborn as ever, a sign that he wasn’t horribly ill.

“Nope.” I said and started to clean up the mess he had made while he laid back down. When I was done I noticed he had fallen asleep, I smiled and tucked him in. I sat down, leaning against the bed, and took out a book to pass the time.

It was dark out when groaning interrupted my reading, I sat up on my knees to see Whitney tossing and turning. I put down my book and stood up fully. I grabbed his shoulder, holding him still and feeling his forehead again. I guess it’s time for more medicine.

I poured out another dose and sat him up, he was half asleep and didn’t fight me. He drank it with no qualms and I laid him back down. He weakly grabbed my arm when I started to stand up, “stay…” He mumbled sleepily.

I sat the cup on the bedside table and took off my shoes and pants, then joined him in bed where he curled into me. I smiled and petted his head, “S’okay.”

He nuzzled into my chest, “I’m sorry…” He mumbled and held onto me tighter.

“About what?” I asked confused, I don’t think he really knows what he’s saying. I didn’t get an answer as he breathing evened out and he fell back asleep. I sighed to myself and continued to pet his head. 

At some point I must have fallen asleep because I woke to the sound of a door opening and closing. I sat up and saw Whitney leaving his bathroom. He didn’t look at me as he flopped down on the bed and cuddled up next to me again, “You ok?” I asked while holding him.

He grunted and nuzzled back into my chest, “Tired…”

I chuckled and started to pet his head again, “This is what happens when you stay out in the rain.”

He softly hit me, “Shut up slut.” He tried to sound intimidating but he just ended up sounding sickly.

“Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.” I assured him. He nodded into my chest and started to mumble about whatever was on his mind. It wasn’t all coherent but I could make out some of what he was saying. I didn’t get him like this often, soft and vulnerable. I smiled, knowing only I got to.

𝘔𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵

[heepthecheep]

There is so much medical misinformation on Tumblr that people take at face value and it's kind of fascinating but also really fucking bad

Off the top of my head?

- drugs; prescription, OTC or recreational can absolutely have an effect on your health. Dosages aren't suggestions and neither is stuff like "don't take with alcohol" or "don't operate heavy machinery"

-in addition to the last point, addiction is real and not something made up by your parents to keep you from doing weed in highschool. It can take different forms

- don't take other people's prescriptions. Again, with the dosage thing, expiration dates, and especially not antibiotics

-speaking of which, antibiotic resistant infections (ie. MRSA, ERSA) are caused by not finishing your prescription of antibiotics or taking antibiotics inappropriately (ie. When you have a viral infection) (and there are other issues too but these are probably the main ones that are most relevant to a layman) and are not caused by "antivaxxers" (seriously, I've seen this argument applied to the covid vaccine. A vaccine for a virus that no doctor would treat with antibiotics- not the mention that MRSA is literally referring to Staph Aureus)

-just because a disease is uncommon or "extinct" in your part of the world doesn't actually mean it is. Pathogens have animal and environmental reservoirs. Similarly, diseases that have been eradicated in your well developed and wealthy part of the world still kill people in places that aren't as wealthy and/or developed. The only diseases that are actually extinct are Smallpox and Rinderpest- and no, the parents who think vaccines cause autism aren't going to cause them to come back

-your weight, diet and lifestyle ABSOLUTELY affect your health.

-people on Tumblr seem to have some weird vendetta against doctors ordering blood work, but it's an absolutely valid and important screening and/or diagnostic test, and is helpful in monitoring many conditions

-Puberty, pregnancy and aging are natural processes that are not inherently harmful. Furthermore, people on Tumblr act as if pregnancy is the most dangerous thing in the world...while blaming the process itself and not the shitty, abusive and corrupt obstetrics community (or they point to history (and focus entirely on Europe) and act like issue is the process and not the ignorance towards germ theory, lack of or misunderstanding of hygiene, not understanding how women work, etc)

-hormones control a lot in your body and aren't just your sex hormones. They exist before you're even born and continue to exist after puberty ends.

[my-rewrite-academia]

Quirk Analysis #1

As promised, this post is for the quirk analysis of the following three students!

Kirishima Eijirou, Ashido Mina, Hagakure Tooru will be discussed in this post and in that order.

Kirishima Eijirou:

Fatty and oily foods make Eijirou's skin harder, and Izuku hypothesises that it's due to the carbon content. While carbon is often associated with gases or coal, it's in food too, with the content being higher in oily or fatty foods. Eijirou manipulates the carbon in his skin by rearranging the carbon molecules to make it denser, to the point that his mohs level of hardness is equivalent to corrundum (level 9, one level below diamond).

Because of this, eating food containing high levels of carbon makes it so that there's more carbon to push between his skin cells.

While ordinary humans cannot properly digest high levels of carbon, Eijirou's body is able to, not just handle it, but properly digest it. As such, he starts eating activated charcoal, (which is safe to eat in small dosages, though Eijirou can have more), which increases his time limit, and can help him harden his entire body for longer periods of time.

It's also theorised that his teeth are sharp so that he can bite into coal.

Ashido Mina:

The most obvious contender for what her acid is made of is stomach acid, however, if she transported her stomach acid to her skin, it would make her either incredibly ill or she wouldn't be able to digest things, as she subconciously produces acid.

As such, it's much more likely that she's using carbon dioxide. It's usually pointed out as a gas, but it can exist in a liquid form. Carbon dioxide naturally exists in all humans, though typically as a gas that our body filters out through breathing. Mina is absorbing carbon dioxide as opposed to breathing it out and changing it to a liquid form.

She can alter the pH levels, though it's naturally low, around pH level 3, which leads to accidentally dissolving her bed and floor and waking up in the flat/apartment below. Don't ask. She can make the pH levels go up to about 7, which is safe to drink, though it's not recommended, and this allows her to use her acid to slip around the ground.

While she could theoretically try breathing less to increase carbon dioxide intake, but that's very dangerous without proper training. Instead, she takes sodium bicarbonate or sodium citrate pills, which increase the level of carbon dioxide in the body.

Her appearance is not connected to her quirk.

Hagakure Tooru:

Now, if Tooru were truly invisible, she would not be able to see, as the way we see is by light hitting our retinas, which bounces the light to the photoreceptors behind them which send the electrical signal to our brains. If the light passes through you, the light can't hit the retinas, meaning that no information would be sent to your brain, leaving you blind.

As such, reflecting light also cannot be her quirk, as this would lead to the same results, and would make her continuously shine.

Her quirk is actually absorbing and manipulating radiation across her skin. She doesn't feel hot or cold, as seen by her steaming lunch and how she can run around naked without a single shiver, and this is due to manipulating the thermal energy, which is a form of radiation.

Light is also a form of radiation, which is why she can produce flashes from her skin.

This could also mean that she cannot become irradiated by things such as chemical energy, though it's far too dangerous to test out.

Additionally, because of this, it's possible that she can manipulated energy across things made of her DNA, which is proven true when she gets her costume and appear invisible after she wears it.

...

So that's Izuku's analysis of Eijirou, Mina, and Tooru's quirks!

I'm not a master of science, so if there's something that doesn't seem quite right, chalk it up to psuedo-science, please. I did not take A-Levels for science. My knowledge comes from my own research, mainly due to Momo's quirk.

Thanks for tuning in!

[yowyowyaoi]

Itachi’s Daily Texts from the Akatsuki

From Konan

Nobody eats until you come out and eat with us 😤

Thank you! You’re the only one who even noticed 💙

You need to do a better job of hiding that kitten lol  it pushed open your door and walked down the hallway again

Of course! You know where I keep it you don’t even have to ask 😊

I know I’ve spoken to Nagato about them he’ll handle it

You have GOT to come try this new massage chair I got it’s heaven 😌

From Deidara

Come on I was just kidding!!

Please call him off if he bites off my hand again Sasori said he won’t replace it 😔

Sharingan is not art it’s dirty cheating 

The counter is covered with plates of eggs, did you do that weird sleepwalking thing again?!

Me and Hidan and maybe Tobi. Come on take the stick out of your ass and just come with us!

I’ll paint them if you braid my hair first.

Why do you always blame me?? Hidan probably took it!

Omfg I SWEAR I meant that for Sasori!! 😳 Please please don’t show Kisame he’ll kill me 😫

From Zetsu

He’s just so emotional is that an Uchiha trait?

I can literally smell your exhaustion you need to go and rest

Yeah very cute. Be a shame if someone ate it 👀

He was doing fine. Got a lot taller. Looks a lot like you in the face.

No I’m glad you made him leave that dude freaked even ME out 😵‍💫

From “Tobi” aka Obito

Can I borrow your face cream? This mask makes my skin itch like crazy!

God stop it man are you TRYING to speed up going blind?!

Would he take your last name or would you take his? 🤔

No. Never. They think I’m a dumbass, remember?

Little more time in the sun would probably help 🤷🏻‍♂️

“Crushes” are for little kids. And anyway he hates me 😔

I thought about that yeah. Reminded me of your mom’s. She always made the best ones.

I’m not sure of anything kid. But we’re in it too far to back out.

Idk you just looked super pale

Ask Sasori to make you more, they’re helping a little 

Idc what Zetsu says. I can do a lotta shit but cannibalism isn’t one of them 🤢

You think I didn’t see you sneak in that pie? Either share or I’m telling Kisame.

From Nagato

Come and join Konan and I for tea. We’ve got a new blend we think you’ll like.

Permission granted. Just be back within three days, I’ll be sending you two on a mission then.

Thank you for the tips. My eyes feel much better now.

Take your time reading it. When you finish I’d love to discuss some of the themes with you.

I know you dislike meat but perhaps a bit more protein might help improve your stamina.

I don’t mind but do not let Kakuzu see it.

From Hidan

Movies with me and blondie?

Yeah but he’s half-animal right? Still counts, pervert.

PLEASE make the splinters in the ass joke PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU😭😭😭

If I didn’t take a piece you would have ate the whole fucking thing yourself and your stomach would burst. You’re welcome 😊

No that was definitely Deidara’s gay ass

Mask boy’s looking for you

Oh right like Kisame wouldn’t beat my ass for that 🙄 Nice try asshole

God damn it’s 3am when the FUCK do you sleep?!

We’re not “plotting” anything just come with ffs 🤦‍♂️

It was an accident and I didn’t even look that long don’t tell her she’ll slice me up with that sharp-ass paper 😖

From Kakuzu

You always being on time with your rent is most appreciated.

To be honest I don’t really know. But at this point I’m too far into my feelings for him so this is my life now. 

Getting enough sleep is important. Nagato agrees that a new mattress would be in your best interests. No arguments.

I’ve ripped off his leg and made it clear it won’t be returned until he returns your property to you.

I’ll consult with Sasori and get back to you.

Konan is insisting everyone text you to come down to eat. It’s my turn. Be advised that continued delay will result in one or more of us coming and retrieving you by force.

From Sasori

Please inform me right away if you notice any adverse side effects. I may need to change the medication or adjust the dosage.

Oh, thank you for reminding me. I wouldn’t want a repeat of last year. What sort of gift do you think I should give him?

You’re more than welcome to anytime. You know I don’t sleep.

Finding the correct body is the most difficult part. All that follows is merely routine.

He can be very sensitive. I’m still learning to decipher and appropriately react to his emotions.

May I borrow that book when you’ve finished it?

Heh. That’s actually very funny.

Try not to overdo it. Your chakra levels still haven’t recovered from the last time.

You may want to hurry back. Zetsu has been circling outside your door like an animal and trying to sniff under it. That lock may not hold.

From Kisame

You remembered your meds today right?

Did you eat?

Yeah? I bet I could work out that tension 😏

Cake is not acceptable for every meal, Itachi.

I got a new blanket, very soft. Come test it out with me 💙

I’ll talk to him about it don’t worry.

For God’s sake just TAKE A NAP!

Have fun but watch your back, I don’t trust those two.

Pretty warm out tonight. Midnight swim later? 😏

You left your necklace on my dresser

Leave it there. You’ve already got one illicit pet you don’t need a second.

I’m cooking, you’re eating. No objections.

My hands are craving being in your hair 😔

I did not eat him. Zetsu is a liar.

You got any more pics like that? Please? 👀

I 💙 you too

[sweetspidergirl]

A Tangled Web (Spider HRT Story)

Chapter 2:

My car pulled up to an empty parking space in front of the local recreation center. The grey, nondescript building was something I really only glimpsed at when passing by during my commute to work, back before I started working from home and started living like a recluse. Maybe if I had gotten myself a membership there I wouldn't have spent most of my adult life wallowing in my own regret and self-hatred, and wouldn't have needed to change my species.

Therian Support Group, Every other Monday at 6 PM! Snacks and drinks provided! Temp. is 72°F/22°C! Those questioning are also welcome!

The flyer sitting beside me in the passenger seat read the same information it had when I first received it last year, complete with the same image of a black dragon therian giving a thumbs up in approval. I had been putting off going to the support group for a good two weeks since my appointment with Dr. Erian. Part of it was because of the holiday season and assuming no one would be there during that time, but the bigger reason behind my reluctance was the fear of what everyone there would think of me. I had no knowledge on therian culture apart from the occasional news article and gossip Elisa told me from her clients. At best, I would come off as a clueless moron. At worst, a bigot.

With the turn of the new year, I decided to swallow my fears and actually work on improving myself. I could've easily just taken the pills and continued my antisocial life. However, I would still be in the same position I was prior to my change, just in a new body. I was going to prove to the doctor that I truly deserve to be a spider, and that started by becoming part of the therian community.

I had only just gotten my first dosage three days earlier. For how much spider HRT was supposed to change my body, it was a bit surprising that all I got was a month's supply of circular white pills in a standard translucent orange bottle, with the only instructions given to take one pill a day. Not helping matters was the lack of any substantial changes to my body. Sure, I was on HRT for less than a week, but I figured there would be something. Enough to at least start feeling like I was becoming a spider.

After enough procrastinating, I stepped out of the car and entered the lobby of the rec center. Almost immediately upon entering, I noticed sheets of paper taped to what felt like any surface they could be taped to, with giant red arrows pointing to what I assumed was the gymnasium. Already, I debated turning around and heading home. Maybe I should just come back when I've done more research on therians, or at least when I look more like a spider and less like a human. My car's right there, after all. I just have to go back the way I came and-

“You here for the meeting too?”

I nearly jumped out of my skin at those words. I turned around frantically, getting a good look at the person behind me. She looked to be around my age, maybe a bit younger. She too had brown hair and blue eyes, though the former was done up in one long ponytail instead of carelessly cascading past the shoulders. The red, long-sleeved shirt and black pants looked a lot like the casual garb I would throw on for social situations, like what I was wearing right now. If it weren't for the more laid-back, confident aura she exuded, I would've assumed I was looking in the mirror.

“Hey, you okay? I'm not that scary, honest.” The woman spoke again, confused and possibly a little concerned at my behavior. I tried my best to reset my mind, focusing on her words.

“Oh, uh, yeah, sorry about that. This is my first time here and I didn't wanna get lost.” I answered finally.

“Yeah… I imagine it's really easy to get lost with all those arrow signs. Name's Echo, by the way.” Echo responded. She may dress similarly to me, but our personalities couldn't have been farther apart. “Anyway, the meeting's about to start soon. We should go inside.”

With that, Echo ushered me through the double doors into the gymnasium. Any chance of turning back was gone now. Swallowing the newly-formed lump of anxiety in my throat, I made my way towards the ring of plastic folding chairs set up in the middle of the empty basketball court, sitting next to the only person there that I was vaguely familiar with. Nearby was a cooler filled with ice and various beverages and a small folding table with small bags of chips and other snacks set up on it. As I sat down, I noticed that there were a few different therians already seated and talking with each other. They looked much further along in their transition than I was, more clearly resembling a rabbit, cat, and mouse respectively. I should have introduced myself to them, but my stupid anxiety got the better of me once again. I just quietly accepted the bottle of water Echo offered me and waited to be done so I could return to the safe familiarity of my apartment.

“Alright. It looks like everyone's here.” A different therian spoke up as approached us. She was a dog therian with brown eyes and primarily brown and white fur. Fluffy brown hair topped her head, almost blending in with the fur. I assumed she was a Border Collie. She had on a nice blue dress that added an air of professionalism that wasn't too overwhelming.

“Welcome to the therian support group. My name’s Domino. I've been on dog HRT for three years at this point. I hope you all had a good holiday season.” The dog therian, Domino, said as she took a seat at one of the empty chairs. “I see we've got a few new faces here, so I think it'll be a good idea for everyone to introduce themselves to the group so we can get to know each other. Oh, Echo, would you mind starting us off to maybe make things less tense for the newcomers?”

“You make it sound like we're in rehab, but alright.” Echo replied before standing up. “You all probably already know this, but I'm Echo. I helped Domino set up this group, and I've been on dragon HRT for… probably a week at this point?”

“Oh, congratulations Echo! I was wondering when you were going to get started.” Domino exclaimed happily. She and the rest of us clapped as Echo took her seat once again. In hindsight, I should've expected Echo to be on humanity removal therapy too, but I assumed she was just an ally. She didn't show any signs of being on HRT that I could notice. No scales or horns or sharp claws or anything. Maybe she was hiding them under her clothes, but I wasn't going to investigate.

The rest of the group introduced themselves one after the other, talking about how long they were on their respective HRTs and answering some questions that were brought up. I stayed quiet and listened on as I drank from my bottle of water. Given how small of a group we were, it didn't take long until I was the only one who hadn't introduced themself to the group. All eyes were officially on me.

“Do I, um… do I have to?” I asked quietly.

“I mean, I suppose no one's forcing you.” Domino answered. “If you don't feel comfortable then I suppose you don't have-”

“Come on… you can't have seriously gone all this way to just sit here and listen.” Echo interrupted. “If you were strong enough to come here, surely you could manage a couple words. We're all therians here, after all.”

I looked at all the expectant faces around me, waiting in anticipation for my response. I could hear the pounding of my heart through the quiet stillness of the gymnasium. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't leave, nor could I curl up in fear and hope everyone would leave me alone. With a few deep breaths, I began to speak.

“My name is Taylor Thompson. I have been on Spider HRT for a few days, and… I'm not sure what else I can say here. I'm not really too familiar with therians, and, yeah…”

It took what felt like forever before anyone spoke up. In my mind, I felt like I had somehow screwed up, that I had made a fool of myself. I was about ready to grab my belongings and head home before Domino spoke up.

“Well, we're happy to have you in our little community.” Domino said with a supportive smile. “And we'll be happy to answer any questions you might have about therians.”

Echo nodded in agreement. “Yeah, and if anyone gives you a hard time, just let me know and I'll give them at least one black eye.”

“Let's maybe not go that far, Echo.” Domino responded.

I started to tear up at the positive affirmation given by Domino, Echo, and the other therians in attendance. Their kind words of approval were what I needed after weeks of uncertainty regarding transitioning. I didn't really speak much more over the course of the meeting, but I was feeling more comfortable there. I even managed to ask for Domino and Echo's phone numbers at the end of the meeting so I could keep in touch with them, something I never imagined doing prior to coming out of my shell. Maybe Dr. Erian had a point about going out and making friends.

Once I got home to my apartment, I flopped backwards onto my messy bed and pulled out my phone. I saw several messages from Elisa, asking me how the meeting went. With a smile, I started texting back, telling her all about my wonderful experience.

---

PREV:

NEXT: Coming Soon

[malamira]

QUIET LOVE, OH HOW IT SCREAMS

synopsis: "i'd never let anything happen to you, if i could help it."

a/n: GOD, i love doctor!au inukag. i did a lot of editing and revising for this, so it's a different beast from what it was when smutmas version came out. i'm not 100% happy with the ending, but i mean. if i did any more i had a feeling i would just ruin it instead of help it.

— 💓 —

“You’re going to love me,” Sango sing-songed, sliding into the seat next to Kagome’s.

Kagome grunted, massaging her temple. The bar wasn't too crowded, thankfully, but the noise level was high enough that she had to speak up to be heard. “Why? Did you kill the hospital director yet?”

“No,” Sango said primly; Onigumo Industries owned the hospital Kagome was a surgeon at, and Sango's father was vice president of one of the subsidiaries. “But,” she said, grasping her friend’s arm, “I kind of have a solution to your extended shift problem.”

“You mean the hospital is hiring another surgeon?” Kagome mumbled grumpily, knocking back her watered down whisky. The moisture that collected outside the glass splattered unto the bar when she slammed it down. 

“No! A guy!”

Kagome stared at her best friend, first blankly, then sourly. “Sango, I love you and I know you only have my best interests at heart, but seriously? I barely have time to bathe Buyo. I don’t have time for a guy.”

“No, I mean like to fuck!” her friend said encouragingly. “It’s been rough the past few weeks. Maybe a good orgasm will fix you right up!"

Kagome's cheeks colored. "I don't—"

Sango wasn't having any of it. "Aw, come on! It's just some harmless fun. He’s right over there, by the booth—”

“Now?” Kagome said incredulously. “I’m in my scrubs. I have a stain on my shirt!”

“So? Is it a shit stain?” 

“I’m not even going to correct you on how many hospital protocols I would’ve broken if it were a shit stain.”

“Lighten up, Kagome!” Sango insisted, jumping up from her chair and tugging at her friend's arm. “It’s Friday and you deserve to get laid. Come on.”

“It is a testament to our ten-year friendship that I am choosing to trust you,” Kagome said flatly, throwing a few bills on the counter to cover her drink. She called over the bartender before letting Sango pull her away.

“Hello, gentlemen,” Sango said brightly, then brandished her friend from behind her. “As promised, my lady doctor friend.”

“Hi,” the guy at the edge of the booth said, dark hair and bright, blue eyes. He was cute, Kagome could admit, if a little too... pedestrian, for her tastes. He extended a hand to shake. “I’m Kōga.”

“Kagome,” she introduced herself, taking his hand for a brief shake. He scooted over and motioned for her to sit next to him. 

Sango had already settled into the side of a guy who had a short ponytail and earrings. “I’m Miroku,” that guy said. 

She only just managed to land her butt on the leather seat of the booth, she felt a familiar vibration pattern in her pocket. Her emergency pattern.

Before Kōga—or Sango, for that matter—could utter a word, she’d straightened and fished out her phone. “Hospital. Gotta go.” 

Without so much as a look back, she bolted.

—

“I’m here,” Kagome panted, running into the ER. "I'm here!"

“Doc!” Jinenji, one of the nurses on shift, called out, timidly holding a clipboard to his chest as he approached from the nurses' station. “I know you just got out—”

“It’s fine.” She waved away his concern. “What do you need?”

“We did a test for Nazuna, the one who had the appendectomy earlier today, and the results required a change in dosage,” he informed her, then turned sheepish when he continued, “I’m really sorry; her mother was getting… irate, and I couldn't get another physician—”

Kagome shook her head and let out a breath. “It’s okay, Jinenji; it's not your fault. Good thing I was nearby.” A bar two blocks away wasn't necessarily nearby, but Jinenji didn’t have to know that. She took the clipboard. "Nazuna... the one with anemia, right? Can we check if she needs a transfusion? Her RBC's looking pretty low..."

“Dr. Higurashi!” another nurse cried as soon as Jinenji took off with her advice. “Thank God you're here; I need you!”

Kagome sighed and got to work.

—

A few hours later, she yawned as she pushed back against the desk in the middle of the doctor's lounge, her chair screeching against the floor. "Oh my God," she groaned, exhausted.

“I hear Higurashi,” a gruff voice called a few hours later, and a light-haired head popped into the admin room doorway. Gold eyes peered at her with interest. “Hey. Isn’t your shift over? Why are you still here?”

Kagome stretched in her chair and rubbed her eye with the back of her hand. She smiled tiredly at Inuyasha, who regarded her with curious eyes. “Had to do something. You haven’t left yet?”

He strode into the room, hands in his pockets. He’d forgone his lab coat and scrubs, changing into jeans and a button-up shirt. “About to, yeah. Where'd you come from? Your house?”

She shook her head. “No, I was at the bar two blocks down. You know Shikon?”

Inuyasha smirked and jerked his head. “Come on. I’ll drive you back. Unless you wanna walk…?”

“Nah, you’re good,” she said, collecting her things and leaving the room. She fell into step next to him. “And excuse you, I had one drink.”

He opened the door to the stairwell and let her pass; the elevator to the parking was under repair. “Shikon’s for kids anyway. Why not head to, I don’t know, Totosai’s, or something?”

“I didn’t pick the place,” Kagome mumbled. Her phone vibrated in her pocket and she fumbled for it, shoes echoing as they made their way down the cement steps.

“Oh? Were you out with friends, then?”

"Yeah." Kagome groaned, pausing in the middle of the stairwell, "And she’s fucking pissed at me.”

Inuyasha raised an eyebrow, curious. He hopped back up a few steps to get back to her level and peered at her phone, eyes widening at the slew of texts she'd apparently ignored.

Sango 23:44 Is everything ok?

Sango 00:22 Kagome we’re still at the bar in case u wanna come back, I’m telling Koga ur coming back

Sango 00:28 Can u reply so i can give an update

Sango 01:18 Kagome PLS!! Trying to call u, pls answer

Sango 01:31 Koga left. He’s kinda pissed and I’m super embarrassed

Sango 01:56 Leaving too, it’s been 2 hours

Sango 02:03 Call me in the morning when I’m more important than your job

He whistled lowly. “She’s really mad, huh?”

“No, really? What gave that away?” Kagome said blankly, furiously typing back. Sorry, stuff at the hospital got hectic. Will make it up to you tomorrow. She sent the message and pocketed her phone, pressing a hand to her forehead. She took a deep breath before turning to climb back up the stairs.

“What’s up?”

“You go on ahead,” she said.

“What?" She could hear Inuyasha climb up after her. "Why?”

“I’m heading home,” she said, looking back at him. She lived on the other side of town, opposite the direction of Shikon.

Inuyasha put his hands in his pockets and looked at her like she was crazy. “Are you crazy? It’s two in the morning, Higurashi. I’ll drive you home."

She gaped. “Are you crazy? I live an hour away!”

“Traffic won’t be too bad,” he said with a shrug, not looking at her. “I don’t mind. Seriously.”

“But—”

He sighed and climbed further up the stairs until they were a step apart, his eyes meeting hers with barely a tilt of his head. “Kagome, seriously. You work too hard and give too much."

She rolled her eyes, "I'm fine—"

"Oh, come on," Inuyasha said, clearly exasperated. "Don’t think I hadn’t heard of you being wheeled out of the operating room after that cystectomy last week.”

She flushed at that. “I—How’d you know about that?”

“Jinenji’s very easy to manipulate.” 

She gaped and lightly smacked his arm. “That’s mean! You know he’s scared of you.”

“He’s scared of a lot of things,” Inuyasha shot back. “And I would’ve known anyway.”

“How?”

“Kagome,” he said, one of his hands slipping out of his pocket to gently grasp her wrist. He raised it so it hovered in between their faces. “You’re shaking.”

Her hand twitched before her eyes, and she bit her lip. “I'm fine, I'm just tired—"

"Tired? But you're consistently taking 24-hour shifts?" He lowered her hand, but didn't let go of her wrist. "Come on, Kagome. Admit it; you're overworking yourself."

She sniffed. "I didn’t know you watched me so closely.” It was meant to corner him, but it came out feeble and shy.

He sighed and lowered their clasped hands. “Seriously, Kagome,” he mumbled as he, to her surprise, rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. “You need to take care of yourself more.”

She looked down at his hand, watching as his thumb dragged tenderly over her skin.

Her relationship with Inuyasha was both surprisingly simple and terrifyingly complicated. They had met in medical school, when she was a sophomore and he was in his last year. They'd gone to different schools—rival schools—but they had a mutual friend who introduced them, thinking they’d be perfect for each other.

It couldn’t have gone more wrong.

She looked too much like his ex, he said, while she claimed that he was too big of an asshole. While they were both planning to eventually become surgeons, it seemed like the similarities stopped there. Whenever they managed to come across each other it was like they wanted to bite each other’s head off for the smallest of things—like breathing too loud, or walking too slow—until they discovered that they’d work together in the same hospital, in the same operating team.

They'd learned to deal with each other. At least until the day Kagome’s brother had been wheeled in into the ER.

Sōta had been shot.

Kagome had nearly lost her mind with worry, snapping at anyone who denied her access to her brother, until Inuyasha had to practically manhandle her to sit down on the couch in the physician’s lounge. He had talked her down, told her that he was handling the operation, he'd be the one to take care of her brother, but she needed to calm the fuck down, okay? 

She'd grabbed his hand and made him promise to do everything—everything—he could.

He'd kissed her forehead, unbidden, and left the room. The shock of it was like the icing on the proverbial cake, rendering her speechless. It was too much all at once, and she ended up sleeping on the lounge couch. A few hours later, Inuyasha woke Kagome up and she bolted to see her brother.

Sōta had made it, albeit looking a little worse for wear. Her mother had screamed at the police on the phone, the angriest Kagome had ever seen her. Turned out Sōta had been shot by an unknown assailant after being mugged, and the man was still on the loose. 

The police had found him eventually, Kagome had told Inuyasha when he asked, and she hadn't known anything beyond that. The other surgeon nodded, looking pensive. Kagome had realized she hadn’t thanked him yet, for all he’d done. She had suggested that she pick up his shifts in return.

He'd declined (surprisingly politely). Instead, he'd offered to pick up her shifts while she took a break. When she'd asked what for, all he said was, "To take care of your brother," and left it at that.

She'd thought he'd take one or two shifts, but he'd crossed her name out of the shift sheet for a total of three weeks, declaring that hanyōs didn't really need sleep, and therefore could take on more work. ("I'm the ideal ER doctor, if you think about it," he'd said.)

"Inuyasha," she said.

His thumb resumed its motions. "Hm?"

"Why are you being so nice to me?" she asked him.

That seemed to snap him out of whatever stupor he'd landed himself in, and he let go. She kind of missed it.

With a blush on his face, he scoffed and looked away. "I—You know, I pick up your shifts when you're out, you know? I—You shouldn't take—If you get sick, I'll have to take more shifts."

Awkward silence settled over them, and Kagome stepped down to stand closer to him. They were practically nose to nose, and Inuyasha's gold gaze met hers with an intensity that made her want to shiver.

"You're lying," she challenged boldly, and that made him scoff again, sounding completely offended this time around.

"Why would I lie?" he said with a roll of his eyes, turning away and stepping down.

Kagome was growing frustrated. She couldn't put into words what she wanted to tell him.

"You're always—" She shook her head. She was ready to yell, but she wasn't angry. Once upon a time, she would have snapped, called him a coward, and stomped past him. But gone was the pure loathing that defined the early stages of their relationship. So where did that leave them?

Where did that leave her?

He turned and looked back up at her. "Look. I can drive you home, and I—" He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "Just get some rest, okay? You've had a long day. I can take your shift tomorrow, just... just get some rest."

The next thing she knew, she was watching his back as he climbed down the stairs, and that's when it dawned on her.

Her brother, her job, her wellbeing—why hadn't she realized sooner that—

"Inuyasha."

He paused and sighed, turning back to face her. "Kagome, just—"

Maybe it was the exhaustion, but the way he looked at her made her eyes prick with heat. She bounded towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in his shirt collar. "Thank you."

He was clearly taken aback, but managed to keep both of them upright. "Wh—For what—"

"For taking care of me," she mumbled. "That's what you're doing, right?"

She felt his body go rigid before relaxing. His arms slowly came around her middle. "Stupid girl," he murmured with so much affection it made her heart skip, "Only because you're doing a terrible job at it."

She sobbed. "I'm sorry for worrying you."

"It's okay."

"And I'm sorry for not noticing sooner," she sniffled. "I'm sorry for being a workaholic, and for being exhausted, and for crying."

His arms tightened just a bit. "It's okay."

"I'm sorry for being annoying about it."

His low laughter rumbled in his chest. "It's okay."

She hugged him tighter. "And I'm sorry I never thanked you for Sōta."

He lets out a breath and turn his head. "You don't have to apologize or thank me for that, Kagome," he told her gently. Pressing a soft kiss to the shell of her ear, he continued, "Your family is important to you. I'd never let anything happen to them." Then, softer yet louder at the same time, "I'd never let anything happen to you, if I could help it."

That made her gut wrench and heart swell and it made her cry harder.

He held her close as she did.

[missmarveledsblog]

You're not wrong but don't mean it's right ( Billy butcher x doc reader ) part 7

summary : to deal with the cabin fever doc decides to create an effective supe sedative which means she is in need of few things which means the gang need to well go undercover to steal said equipment . frenchie has an embarrassing predicament to get them out of a tricky spot .

warning: mostly goofy fun in this part ,

It  had to be the trick of the light they were sure of it , coming home to see the two were actually not well butcher was less of a prick and doc wasn’t looking at him to guess which of the many ways she could kill him . For once things weren’t bad , for the first time in a long fucking time well things were actually good . everyone was seemingly in better mood even getting used to soldier boy being around . although one thing that was probably annoying was the cabin fever but giving the fact that the blonde supe thought he had killed doc well was probably for the best. They all sat watching a movie as she lay on chair while annie played with her hair , massaging her head .  they were talking about ways to catch supes. 

“ juliet wouldn’t work supe dna is completely different to normal humans  i did study in med school even low  level sort of supes some of our normal medicines don’t even penetrate the virus” she sighed at relaxation of her head being rubbed. 

“ so what  it has to be stronger dosage” MM asked attention turned to the young doctor .

“ sometimes yes but even normal medicine could have no affect that’s why their spent more research in cure for supes then regular people because it involves more money and investments” she shrugged.

“ that’s fucked up so what cancer research and that’s bollox” butcher scoffed. 

“ yeah for most part unless likes of one of seven were to get it well they would work harder to get cure  one of them then someones grandmother it’s a dog eat dog world even in the medical and chemistry field”. 

“ That's brutal but like wouldn’t compound V  help” hughie asked. 

“ no i mean it would but it actually does more long term damage then well a cure it more money game don’t get me wrong medical field preforms miracles and shit and there is advancements but other take priority too” she explained sitting up giving them her full attention. 

“ why did you become a doctor then” butcher asked.

“To help people i genuinely like helping those who need it plus money to work to a point i’d never have to worry about life again” she smiled . 

“ ain’t you little miss world peace” butcher winked. 

“ annd” frenchie looked at her pointedly. 

“ to kill people like my father to point they feel more pain but less messy” she hopped up head towards the kitchen 

“ she kidding right?” hughie gulped. 

“ i spent years learning nerves and the human anatomy  i know how to kill you to point you feel nothing or everything  depending on  mood” she  called back . “ 

“ she shared some with me back in the day it’s effective” frenchie nodded in agreement. “ before she went to med school” he added as they all looked at her even soldier boy look sort of shocked. 

“ hey actually we should use that” butcher called making every gaze turn to him . “ not like that i mean she clearly brainbox  how do we knock a cunt out the quickest” he called out. 

“ hmm supe or well normie” she asked taking swig out of the bottle of wine. “ usually with normal person you could induce them with a sedative or well juliet  and boom well they would be out cold in second but it doesn’t work on supes” she passed the bottle to her brother. 

“ how you know i mean we could test it on a supe and we can find one for ya” butcher smirked . 

“ tried it already as well as frenchies concoction to knock out on ben since i tried juliet on him works for a little , you would need a continuous flow” . 

“ you let her try something that could of killed you , you who hates doctors and scientist” MM Looked at the man surprised. 

“ she an exception , i trust her , she smart for a woman ” ben replied easily. 

“ get me  a white board  actually i’d say a couple and few other things and i think i could work on a supe strength version or even a fast acting sedative”. 

“Write a list doc” butcher winked. 

......

This wasn’t their first rodeo , it wouldn’t even be their last  as they began the plans on where to get the things needed through docs extensive shopping list. They stole few white boards from local elementary school which she wasn’t exactly happy with but she did need them . 

They stole the beakers and things from a college although was lightly putting it when they went to buy them off a dodgy professor she knew .  Willing to pay til he said some unsavory things about doc and then ben punched him knocking him unconscious  in his office . while that went down frenchie took a novelty  sex toy that someone left at the mans office an egg keyring and a small dildo keyring he thought were hilarious . 

Next on the mission log was the mentally insane sort of dump she interned in that experimented on the  patients there. They got security passes  from old friend of hers showing the sweet Doc had some  useful Connections .  listening To her through a ear piece where Each Person had to go  where Things where As well as trolly to carry Thing butcher was One to offer for that since well his compassion was lacking  then again so it would be a perfect job If this all fell To shit. The place was a dump completely and utter shit hole .  personally she wanted them to burn the place to the ground make sure  it was never used again but even  for hell hole  it unfortunately   had it’s uses .

“ how the fuck did you work  ere” butcher grimaced watching some patients doing fucking weird shit As he passed. 

“ That professor tried roofy me. So I asked him for the placement that got me the best grade , that sadly was the place” she called through an earpiece. 

“ place is fucking hell on earth” mm voice was heard. 

“ yeah but most Fucks in there are depraved fucks so it balances itself out” she rolled her eyes.

“ depraved like how?” Soldier boy asked sitting at her side watching her looking  the screen of her computer as she watched them making their way around. 

“ like the cell hughie is at is a family killer , he killed everyone  And if he wasn't caught he was gonna wipe His family tree off face of earth but he was caught at airport , then two cells down  a wanna be jack the ripper but with men “ she shrugged Easily. 

“ so we're in a criminally insane asylum great because a normal one just  isn't bad enough nah you gotta add crazy fucking psychos to the mix " MM huffed out. 

“ although it did help me With the grade I think the professor thought it would scare me nothing scares me well no man scares Me” she laughed as they walked through halls. 

“ can we hurry their flinging their shit like monkeys in a fucking Zoo “ butcher grimaced . 

They almost Had it all nearly til the security were Doing their round stopping as Kimiko And hughie filled a gurney with some supplies . 

“ who the fuck are you” the arched their brow looking the three Down as they went to grab the passes only for frenchie to find his lost .sharing look with other Panic on his face .

“ pretend to be med student Bringing A patient in , they usually give the interns that shit ” she called through. 

“ we're med student  on our internship we found this one trying to escape He needed in .. erm therapy” he called .

“ he doesn't look crazy” the man's brows arched. 

“ the voice Tell me to do thing like .. this “ he said pulling The sex toy key rings out and swallowing  them almost choking ad they went down  while starting To strip . 

“ we better get him back now” hughie and kimiko pulled frenchie Along. 

“ the Voices tell me to fuck your mother” frenchie yelled as they moved down the hall til they were out of view . “ shit” he winced. 

“ what happened ben covered my eyes ” doc called concern in her voice . 

“ he swallowed … Sex toys like mini ones from that weird professor and tried to strip ” .

“ mini like how mini?” she asked although they could hear her trying to keep her composure .  “ nevermind we have laxatives  But you'll need to Lube it gonna Hurt coming out” she snorted . 

“ hey I got us free … It won't hurt that much” frenchie stated  As she and Soldier boy shared a look . 

“ come on we got the shit let's get out of this hell hole” Butcher called as they all walked out. “ shit we got problem” . He looked to see homelander and what was left of seven walking other Side of the hall. 

“ I'm on my way “ was all soldier boy said as she nodded letting him know she be ok .

 She sat Turning off the communication  knowing homelander heard her through comms it Was all over, knowing  it would be about half an hour or less they would find a way back. She did hate the fact she was stuck in but it had to be Right time , that moment she could let him know he didn’t win and he wasn’t this glorious god of a man he projected himself .  oh she wanted the prick downfall as much as the rest of them he hurt more people than he “ saved” and this whole charade of him  being this savior the world needs well that really needed to end .  maybe she could be the one to help in the down fall of homelander she just needed to get it all right and she knew for certain she was in the right mix of people to do it with no matter how fucked and dysfunctional they were . But always the door breaking down just had to signal the good spell they had as she found herself surrounded.

" what do you want?" she stood watching them .

" simple, you " .

part 8

taglist : @xx-spooky-little-vampire-xx @dwinchesterspie1967 @bduchrnskei

[whorefordean]

to soothe your pain || d.w

wc: 1.1k

tw: use of petname (sweetheart), like the tiniest amount of angst but only if you squint

a/n: this got so far away from where it was originally supposed to go but i don't mind tbh. i wrote this bc i am indeed a headache girlie and i know dean would fix it so this is completely self indulgent not sorry

------------------------------------

you sigh in discomfort as the pounding in your head intensifies. the dim lights in the bunker are somehow still making your headache worse.

dean notices the pout on your face as soon as you enter the library, and he frowns. his eyebrows furrow as he watches you slowly trudge into the room. 

dean chuckles softly when you pull your hood over your head. the material covers most of your face, easing the pain only slightly. you slump towards dean before slowly climbing into his lap. he chuckles to himself as he spreads his arms wider for you to get comfortable. 

immediately dean’s arms wrap around your body. he kisses your shoulder softly as he rubs your back warmly.

“what’s wrong, sweetheart?” dean whispers into your ear.

“my head hurts, dean,” you whine into the crook of his neck. you adjust slightly, resting your head on his shoulder now. you can’t seem to completely block out the lights even as you push your face further into dean. 

“can i try something?” dean asks, already moving before you even answer. you’re desperate for any sort of relief, so you lift your head to nod. dean raises his hands to pull your hood down and threads his fingers into your hair. he’s pulling your strands slightly before applying pressure. dean’s palms are now flat against your scalp, barely squeezing as to not hurt you. 

the relief is near immediate. dean watches as you relax into him. you pull your hands up to his forearms to hold him in place. 

“oh my god, dean, i love you,” you sigh causing dean to laugh out loud. he releases the pressure and alternates between rubbing your scalp and squeezing. 

“well, considering you married me, i kinda assumed you already did, but thanks for the reassurance,” dean jokes playfully.  

“yeah, but now i love you even more,” you reply with your eyes closed. after a few minutes, dean completely pulls his hands back, stopping all the pressure he had been applying but not moving his hands from your hair. you open your eyes to look at him with a small pout.. 

“i don’t wanna hurt you, sweetheart. i can’t sit here squeezing that pretty little head of yours all night. it’ll make it worse if i do,” dean answers as he twirls your hair through his fingers. 

“but it feels good now,” you whine as you plop your head onto his shoulder. dean feels bad, really. it sucks seeing you in pain like this when he knows there’s nothing he can do to stop it. the pain reliever you took earlier barely helped at all, so you didn’t even bother with another dosage. 

“come on,” dean says though he gives you no time to question him before he’s standing up. he picks you up from his lap and carries you to your shared bedroom in the bunker. the sudden movement causes you to yelp in surprise. dean is quick to pull your hood back over your head, blocking out the brighter lights of the hallway, as you cling onto his broad shoulders. 

you let out a few soft giggles as his grip falls to your ass, giving it a slight squeeze before finally just resting there. 

“watch those hands, dean,” you mutter playfully into his shoulder. dean’s chest rumbles with laughter. 

“i know exactly where my hands are at, sweetheart,” dean teases back, and even though you can’t see his face, you’re positive he’s smirking right now. a sigh escapes your lips as you relax further into dean as he continues the trek down the long hallways. his warmth envelopes you, and you only realize now just how truly lucky you are to have him. 

dean has, quite literally, saved your life more times than you can count. he’s stuck by your side through every single hardship and peril. he’s been to hell and back, no pun intended, just to keep you safe. you squeeze your arms around him just a little bit tighter, trying to keep him as close as possible to you. if dean notices, he doesn’t mention it. instead, his hand travels up your back under your hoodie, tapping you a few times softly before he rubs soothing circles into your skin. 

“you doing okay, sweetheart?” his voice is softer than before as he notices the way your demeanor changes. he opens the door to your bedroom, using his foot to close it behind him. 

dean pulls the covers back and gently places you down. he didn’t bother turning the lights on when he brought you in here, not wanting to worsen your headache, so he lays down beside you. immediately, dean’s arms move to wrap around your waist, pulling you into him. you tuck yourself further into him, pushing your face into his chest. with one arm wrapped around you, dean lets his other hand rest against your head. the slight pressure helps to relieve the ache that has long since settled behind your eyes. 

dean relaxes when you do, content with the fact that you seek him out for comfort. he finds pride knowing that he’s your source of comfort. dean lays with you silently in the dark, a recurring situation almost always caused by your current circumstances. 

“thank you, dean,” you mumble quietly in the dark. dean furrows his brows at your sudden expression of gratitude. 

“don’t thank me for this, sweetheart. this is the bare minimum of what you deserve. in sickness and in health, remember?” dean answers firmly. he’s almost shocked that you feel the need to thank him for… comforting you? 

“i know that, but you should still be told that you’re appreciated, dean. and i do appreciate you so much,” you tell him. you hope that dean can not only hear, but feel, the love seeping off every syllable you utter. you scooch impossibly closer to your husband, draping your leg over him. you lean in close to his ear. 

“thank you for every single thing you do, dean winchester,” you place a small kiss to his cheek before leaning back down and resting your head against his chest. 

“i thought i was the one easing your pain,” the teasing lilt is evident in dean’s voice, but underneath, you can hear the gratitude in his tone. 

“god forbid, i comfort my husband,” you sigh dramatically causing dean to laugh. 

“i’m so sorry, sweetheart. please continue,” dean jokes. the two of you laugh together before finally settling down. dean plays with your hair as you trace shapes against his biceps. the two of you lay in silence, embracing each other, praying that the other knows how loved they are.

[galaxywarp]

It's the anon from a while ago who was going through opioid withdrawal.

I went to a pain management clinic and they basically told me my withdrawal symptoms aren't real and I should see a psychologist. They won't help me taper. That an addiction center wouldn't help because I'm not really addicted. Then why do I feel so sick when I try to reduce my dosage? Why do I have all the textbook symptoms of withdrawal? I can't stop cold turkey and I can't be sick all the time cause I have a full time job.

He said the opioids would be out of my system in a week, is that true? I don't know if I can get through a week of feeling like this. I've been on these meds for over a year, it just doesn't feel safe.

He also told me I just have to deal with my chronic pain and there's nothing they can do. It took weeks to see this specialist and he basically told me to go fuck myself.

I ended up breaking down in the appointment and he just had me leave.

I'm so tired and frustrated and I hate feeling like this.

Anon im so sorry. Thats so fucking shitty

I swear it’s fucking like — all he did was set you up for fucking failure.

He’s telling you to ignore your own warning signs until they get bad enough for him to acknowledge. By then you might be desperate enough that you go to street drugs or your withdrawal might need medical assistance. It happens a lot to pain patients whose doctors fuck them over. By the time they validate your problem their solution is now to just cut you off and leave you with no legal options for your pain. It’s an extremely common reason that people end up on heroin.

He’s encouraging you to pretend that the problem isn’t starting and setting you up to keep digging yourself deeper. But of course they’ll say it’s YOUR fault if your pain drives you to do something dangerous.

Ugh. Okay. Listen.

The opiates may very well be out of your system in a week. And i want to assure you that opiate withdrawal, while extremely painful, is not technically dangerous. Not like alcohol or benzodiazepines where you can hallucinate and have seizures. You won’t be in any danger. Just extreme discomfort (as im sure you’ve tasted already)

But if you continue to feel pain after that, and you very well might, i wanna tell you it’s real and valid. Even if doctors try to do the “it’s only in your head” thing.

Cuz you know what. It WILL be in your head. Your body’s pain receptors are going to feel raw and fragile. I was clean from fentanyl for months before my chronic pain truly eased. It’s like your body has to learn how to tolerate pain again and people don’t respect how miserable and painful that process is. You’re brave and strong for facing it.

I’m a little sleep deprived and im not sure what else advice i can offer atm but you’re on my mind anon. Please drop in my inbox again whenever you need.

[lunar-years]

How’s the arm?

Tentative footsteps patter over the hardwood floor, inching closer; but it’s Jamie’s voice that reaches him first: “How’s the arm?”

Roy immediately bristles, unable to stop his voice from rising several decibels as he snaps, “I’ve already told you half a fucking dozen times in the past hour, Jamie, it’s the exact fucking same as it was twenty minutes ago, and yes I’m fucking fine, and I’ll kindly remind you again that you fucking promised me you’d stop fucking asking—” he stops mid-sentence, registering what exactly Jamie said at the same time the man crosses into his line of vision, letting Roy spot the shit-eating grin plastered on his face. He blinks, momentarily thrown. Arm?

Jamie shrugs, and even that small motion is somehow made exuberant under his determinedly bright demeanor. His face breaks into a gleeful smile, ear-to-ear, right pleased with himself. 

Fucking hell. Roy has no idea how the prick has managed to stay this damn cheerful all day, considering he’s spent the whole of it waiting on his temporarily useless, opposite-of-cheerful boyfriend hand and foot. Keeping him confined to the miserable prison of his living room sofa, flipping through the sport channels with a commendable level of steady enthusiasm—even though the best they’ve had on offer were the bloody table tennis Olympic trials that ended an hour again—and fretting, every single second of every blasted minute, over Roy and his knee. Whether the pillow under Roy’s knee is fluffed enough, and whether Roy's morning brew has gone cold and could do for urgent replacement, and whether Roy needs help getting to the toilet before he pisses down his own leg. Jamie’s there all right, for all of it, and he’s bloody relentless. 

Roy appreciates it. Truly, he does. It’s also driving him completely up the fucking wall, just a little. Two things can be true. 

Jamie keeps right on smiling. “What?” he says innocently, sitting down next to Roy and handing over his latest freshly-warmed mug of tea, “I’m not having you on, it was a real question. Since you’re going to be a bit out of commission on the really agile shit for a while and all,” here he nods sympathetically in the direction of Roy’s mangled up, patchworked knee, the frankensteinish surgery scar thankfully covered up by fresh dressings (also courtesy of Jamie) and tucked atop Keeley’s fluffiest pillow. “Sorry,” he continues in a stage-whisper, hands going up like Roy's a feral cat he's trying not to set off, “know you want me to pretend like this ain’t happening, and I’m trying, swear down! But, well. Me point is, so long as your arm’s still in working form...we can at least exchange handies!” He beams at him again with great pride, like mutual handjobs are the certifiable cure to Roy’s every ailment, and Jamie’s the dutiful nurse who gets to present the good news and administer the necessary dosage.

(And well, a wank’s a wank, so. Roy’s willing to give it a shot.)

Instead of saying that, he chucks the pillow behind his back at his boyfriend's head and rolls his eyes in Jamie's direction, faking a pout. “All you care about is my cock,” he accuses half-heartedly. 

“Yes, poor, hard-done Roy, with a dead sexy boyfriend who wants him for his body as much as his mind,” Jamie grins, leaning in to give him a kiss. With lips practically still brushing Roy’s own, he adds, gentler, “I also thought, um. It might help, you know? With what you were saying earlier. I’m really sorry I made you feel like that.” 

Roy brow furrows. He wades back amongst all the day's many horrors to figure out which one in particular Jamie could be referring to. It must’ve been the last time, when he was snapping at the pair of them to stop bloody asking about his knee all the time. You’re both making me feel like a fucking pensioner. Then, to Jamie specifically, I’m not actually your fucking grandad, you know. You don’t have to treat me like I’m two steps from the care home. It was around that time Keeley excused herself for a drive to the pharmacy, bristling at him with intense displeasure and that familiar get yourself together look in her eyes on her way out. Soon after, after an comfortable stretch of moody silence, Jamie muttered something about more tea, and disappeared into the kitchen for far longer than it took to whip up a new brew. 

So yeah, he owes them both an apology, clearly. Again.

He looks at his boyfriend, now aching with guilt on top of everything else, most pressingly the persistent sting that seems to extend his whole leg, making it very hard to focus on anything good, even his very good boyfriend. His very good boyfriend who’s only trying to help him. Fuck. 

Jamie’s still got his eyes locked on his, searching his face for reassurance. Hesitant, like he’s half expecting Roy to get angry and snap at him again for bringing it up. It’s so sincere it slices Roy smoothly in half.

“I,” he starts. Shuts his mouth. Starts again, “I’m sorry for that, babe. Look, I won't pretend I didn't mean some of it. I do feel…I dunno. Not even old, just…useless? I guess. But you’re not the one making me feel like that, it’s my own shit. I never should have said that to you, or to Keeley. I likehow you take care of me.” He threads his fingers through Jamie’s and gives them a squeeze. “It’s just…hard for me to let you.” He chokes over the last part a bit, from the clumsy embarrassment of his own feelings. Immediately redirects his gaze onto their locked palms.

But Jamie responds without hesitation, his shoulders already relaxing as he says briskly, “You’re forgiven.” Like it’s simple. Like Roy’s someone easy to forgive. Fuck, he still doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve this. Jamie leans back, smile softer now, more natural. It takes on a cheeky edge as he adds, “And I know a way you can make it up to me, yeah?” with a wink and a crude hand gesture. Right back around to where they started.

Roy rolls his eyes again, filled with adoration for this ridiculous man. “We can’t fix everything with sex.” 

“We can make a brave go of trying, though," he offers solemnly, lips quirked.

Roy laughs despite himself, but it’s cut off by a sharp sting to his knee, making him wince before he can help it. His boyfriend’s face droops immediately. This time though, Jamie keeps his hands forcibly pinned to his sides, trying so hard not to hover, not to be too much. It makes Roy crack open even further. He really fucked this up.

“Can we wait for Keeley to get back first?” he suggests carefully, eyes meeting Jamie’s as his fingers brush circles on the back of his hand. “Ought to apologize to her, too.” 

“Definitely. Also, she’ll definitely enjoy this. Vulnerability really does it for her.” Jamie waggles his eyebrows playfully, seemingly resigned to brushing over the moment of tension, but Roy doesn’t miss the way his eyes linger for a second too long over Roy’s features, as if trying to catch the slightest grimace that could help him suss out Roy's pain level. Jamie needs him to be honest here; Roy forces himself to let him in. 

“I think I need my meds, first,” he admits. “Knee really fucking hurts. Got worse just now. And maybe, um…you could, with the pillow?” 

Jamie, perfect as he is, needs no further instruction. His hands fly towards the cushion, readjusting it carefully into a more supportive position. “Anything else, babe?” he asks as he fluffs, focus entirely on the pillow. 

“Jay.” 

His boyfriend’s head snaps up again, and Roy gestures him to slow down, and sit back. As soon as Jamie’s back’s against the sofa cushion again, Roy tosses his arm around him and tugs him in as close as possible. “I just want you,” he whispers. Then he lets himself shut his eyes and sink into the calm, knowing Jamie's got him. 

[waytooinvested]

Forgotten, Not Forgiven - Chapter 11

This and previous chapters are also on AO3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clinical trial for Q-wave brain stimulator.

Trial subject 1. Session 5

First official sleep study: subject agreed to an overnight sleep study, during which two periods of Q-wave treatment are to be applied for 40 minutes each, one commencing during the deep sleep stage and a second at onset of REM sleep.

11.11pm – Deep sleep phase treatment commenced.

11.51pm: First treatment application successfully completed: blurring evidenced on Q-scan slightly extended to 0.7mm

2.07am: Following initial treatment dosage subject was allowed to complete one full sleep cycle at rest, followed by commencement of second treatment application on entering REM sleep

2.19am: Negative effects of Q-waves observed, treatment aborted.

Q-wave brain stimulator trial terminated with immediate effect.

Everything had been proceeding exactly as they had been anticipating. The deep sleep phase had been perfect, and to begin with the REM sleep treatment seemed even more promising, with the blurred patch expanding by 0.4mm within the first seven minutes. Success had seemed inevitable.

Then Lena looked over at Kara and saw the thin ribbon of blood trickling from her nose, and her heart stalled painfully in her chest before thumping back into action at twice its usual pace. She bypassed the dial completely and yanked the plug out of the wall to stop the Q-wave generator, then ran to kneel beside the bed.

‘Kara? Kara, please wake up. Are you okay?’

Kara stirred sleepily, blinking up at her in evident confusion as Lena tugged at the straps and pushed the Q-wave cap off and away with one hand while the other tenderly cradled her head.

‘What is it, did something happen?’

‘Do you feel alright?’

‘Of course, I’m totally fine. I was having the strangest dream though. I was flying, and... I think I was carrying you’.

Lena forced a laugh that might more properly have been called a sob as she remembered saying almost those exact words to Kara after she had been poisoned by Edge.

And after she had saved her life yet again...

It was a piece of real memory, and that Kara had it at all should have been incredible news, but combined with the nosebleed all it did was prove Lex had been serious about the dangers of forcing her to remember.

What if Lena had looked up five minutes later?

What if it had been too late?

Kara could have died tonight because of her.

She could have died.

‘Anyway, I don’t suppose you woke me to hear about my weird subconscious. Is everything alright?’

‘No, I’m afraid it’s not. I’m stopping the trial’.

The bed frame squeaked in protest as Kara sat up abruptly, looking properly alarmed for the first time since her rude awakening.

‘What? No! It’s been going so well, you can’t just stop!’

‘We have to Kara, you had a nose bleed’.

‘Don’t be silly, I never get-’

But the protest died as Kara reached up to touch her face, then examined the smear of red on her fingers.

‘Huh’.

‘I’m so, so sorry, I really thought this was going to be completely safe. I can’t say for sure that it was caused by the Q-waves, but I’m not willing to take that chance. If there is even the slightest possibility that this is hurting you, we are not doing it again’.

‘But it’s only a little one. Couldn’t you just… do some checks on the wave frequency or whatever before we try again? I would feel so awful if you cancel the whole project just because I had one tiny nose bleed, especially when I feel completely fine and it might not even have been caused by what we were doing. Think of all the people you were going to help’.

I was going to help you. That’s all. It was always just you, and now I can’t even do that.

‘No, I just can’t take that risk. I’m sorry Kara, but it’s over. I’ll just- I’ll find another way to continue the work. Come on, we’d better give Alex a call and get you over to the DEO so they can check you out properly’.

It looked like Kara wanted to protest further, but after taking in Lena’s expression for a few moments she apparently decided there was no point, and nodded reluctantly.

‘Alright, if you really think we need to stop, then I trust you. There’s no need to wake up Alex though, she’ll only fuss and there’s nothing wrong with me’.

‘Oh, we’re waking Alex for her sake, not yours. Otherwise she’ll be looking at a life sentence for my murder after she finds out I didn’t tell her about this so she could check you out for herself. What’s a bit of lost sleep compared to that?’

Kara rolled her eyes, a look of fond exasperation on her face that could have been for Alex or Lena or both as she picked up her phone to call her sister.

‘You two are as bad as each other, you know that?’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After Kara had been checked out, cleared, and taken back to her apartment, the core task force for Project Atlantis (as Operation-get-our-girl-back had become more formally known) gathered for an emergency meeting to discuss what had just happened. Given that Kara had been cleared medically and was now back in her own home none the wiser this probably could have waited until morning, but when Kara had called Alex, Alex called J’onn, and the others were already en route to the DEO after Nia had seen something troubling in her dream, so they had decided not to wait.

J’onn, Nia, Brainy, Alex, and Lena.

There were a few other agents who knew Supergirl’s identity and therefore part of what they were working on, plus James, who was helping to hold things down at Catco, but the five of them were the only ones who knew everything, and Lena was glad she didn’t have to admit her failure to a bigger audience.

She had already presented the progression of the trial and the hopes she had had for the sleep study, and now went on to explain how it had gone wrong shortly after starting the REM treatment stage. For a long minute everyone was quiet as they examined the scan progressions Lena had just given them, then Alex banged a fist on the table and swore.

‘It was going so well. I really thought we had the answer’.

‘The probabilities looked quite promising, I too am surprised that this happened’.

‘So what do we do now? Do we dial back the treatments? Make them shorter, or less frequent?’

Lena had nodded along in commiseration with Alex and Brainy’s comments, but at J’onn’s contribution she stopped, brows drawing into her boardroom “someone just suggested dangerous cost cutting measures at the children’s hospital” expression.

‘Of course not. This is it for the Q-wave stimulator, I’m terminating the trials effective immediately. I assumed that was implied’.

The nosebleed was proof that her premise had been flawed, and it was sheer luck that the whole thing hadn’t ended up a lot worse than it did.

Kara could have died tonight. She could have died. She could have-

‘I’m not certain that is a logical course of action Lena. My calculations show only a 6.3% chance of further injury to Kara if the sessions return to being carried out while she is conscious, and with greater spacing between-’

Now Brainy too?

‘That is 6.3% too much. I’m sorry, but this is not a debate. It’s my device and I am telling you that I will not let any of you use it on Kara again. If I have to smash it to pieces and destroy the schematic to make sure of it I will not hesitate’.

Alex raised her eyebrows, reaching out towards Lena as if she was going to put a soothing hand on her arm, though she stopped short of actually touching her.

‘Woah, hey, there’s no need for that, we’re all on the same side here. But we don’t have another plan – if we can’t use Q-waves, what are we going to do?’

‘For now, nothing, Kara’s brain needs time to heal from the trauma it’s just experienced. Maybe in a few weeks we can think about trying something new, but until then-’

‘A few weeks?’ Alex interrupted, extended hand withdrawing along with the conciliatory tone. ‘We can’t wait that long. We’re barely holding things together as it is without Supergirl.’

At another time Lena might have been sympathetic, but right now the image of blood running down Kara’s face while she lay apparently unconscious (just sleeping in fact, but the seconds when Lena had been unsure if she would ever wake up again had felt like an eternity) was hovering just behind her eyelids ready to ambush her the moment she closed her eyes, and Alex’s protestation seemed flimsy at best.

Kara could have died tonight.

Lena could have killed her.

The roil of panic she was trying not to acknowledge boiled over, and her reply lashed out like a whip.

‘National City survived for years without superheroes. Are you really telling me that you can’t last a couple more months without your little sister holding your hand?’

Alex slammed both hands down on the table, her own tenuous grip on her composure snapping under the weight of Lena’s goading.

‘DAMN it Lena, this is not about me! Do you realise that Kelly nearly died confronting Malefic? He was seconds away from forcing her to cut her own throat. Seconds. I can’t let that happen again!’

‘And I can’t let you risk hurting Kara to make sure it doesn’t!’

‘You think I want to? She’s my sister, I love her more than almost any other person on the planet, but we have to be realistic. Kara is not the only one in danger here!’

They were both standing now, eyes locked, though Lena wasn’t sure when or how that had happened. If the two of them had been alone they would have fought it out until they had vented what they needed to, then calmed back down enough to figure out a new plan together, but they were not alone. J’onn interrupted their glaring match with a stern throat-clear, looking between them like a disappointed teacher with two unruly pupils.

‘That’s enough, both of you. Will you please sit down so we can discuss this rationally?’

Lena was prepared to ignore him and continue their debate to its conclusion, but after a few more seconds of crackling tension Alex flickered her gaze to J’onn and nodded stiffly, a part of her apparently still reacting to the authority of her former boss. She dropped back into her seat looking partially (though not entirely) chastened, and after a moment Lena followed suit more slowly, schooling her own features to avoid showing any hint of similar emotion herself.

It wasn’t that she didn’t care what happened to Kelly.

She was actually the one person connected to this little group that Lena had not entirely cut contact with after she’d found out about Supergirl, and she liked her very much. It was awful to think that she had so nearly been hurt, and if there was anything Lena could do to keep it from happening again, then she would. But she was a scientist, and a researcher, and she could not in good conscience support the continuation of a trial that would put her subject at a greater level of potential harm than was warranted, especially after having assured them that they would be entirely safe.

And she would not allow Kara to be harmed. Not for anyone. Not even if it meant every other person in the city suffered for it.

‘Thank you. Lena, you may be right about continuing any form of physical intervention at this stage, but Alex is also right that we can’t wait too long to do something. So, I suggest we stop trying to break down the barrier with external force and take a different approach entirely’.

J’onn paused, looking round to check he had everyone’s undivided attention, then continued before anyone (Lena) could raise objections.

‘Sometimes Martian powers will kick in without conscious direction when presented with imminent threat to life, and I think a similar instinctive approach could work for Kara. A survival reflex could bring back her powers without having to pass through her conscious mind, allowing the memories to follow after them once the way had been opened up and avoiding the potentially dangerous weakened pathways created by the Q-wave treatment’.

‘Interesting… Like avoiding the locked door in her mind altogether and instead creating a hitherto undiscovered window. I predict that that course of action would have an 84.2% chance of success’.

There was a beat of silence while Lena waited for J’onn to add something that would make his idea sound more sane, but it appeared he was done speaking.

‘Are you actually suggesting that we should put Kara’s life in danger? That’s your safer plan?’

J’onn raised his hands, fending off the argument they both knew was still simmering just below the surface.

‘Controlled danger. Something we could set up and monitor, and bring her out of if needed. She wouldn’t be at any real risk’.

Controlled danger.

Inducing hypothermia until Kara’s muscles gave up shivering and her heart slowed and eventually stopped.

Pressing on her throat to make her fight for air, her eyes wild with terror as she tried to free herself of the constriction.

Submerging her in water and watching her thrash and struggle, breaking the surface only to be drawn back under without having managed to take a breath, water replacing air in her lungs until at last she went limp and sank out of sight, just like-

‘NO’.

Her muscles tensed, ready to jump to her feet again, but Alex broke in before she could manage more than that single, reactive syllable of negation. It was probably lucky that she did, because for all her years of social training, Lena wasn’t at all sure her own response would have been as measured as Alex’s.

‘Sorry J’onn but I’m going to have to side with Lena on this one. We need Supergirl back, but we can’t take the chance on something going wrong with that plan. Even if we made some artificial danger that we could fully control, if it was real enough for survival instincts to kick in, it would also be real enough that something could go really badly wrong. Besides, that still leaves a 15.8% chance of failure for a plan that would be seriously traumatic to Kara, and that is way too high’.

‘It doesn’t have to be real danger. If we put Kara into a simulation-’

‘That doesn’t negate the trauma of thinking she’s dying!’

Lena’s volume was creeping up again, but she managed not to actually shout.

‘Maybe not, but Supergirl is tougher than you’re giving her credit for, and we can’t afford to take a kid glove approach on this one. Kara would want us to try it if it meant reducing the risk to the rest of National City caused by her absence’.

‘Kara has no idea what’s going on, so she can’t really express an informed opinion right now, can she?’

‘Exactly. That’s why we have to make a decision based on what she would want us to do. You’ve worked with Supergirl before, when have you ever known her to choose her own safety over someone else’s?’

J’onn had a point. The Kara Lena thought she had known was someone who had needed her protection, who had stood behind her when danger threatened and let her take the lead. It had made her feel strong, protective, trusted to keep her friend safe, and that trust made her believe she really could be an immovable object between Kara and whatever threatened them, no matter how bad things got. Now she realised with a pang that Kara’s attempts to hide were in reality her trying to slip away to return as Supergirl, and whenever she had she had immediately put her own body between Lena’s and the source of danger, and Lena had let her. Of course she had. Supergirl was the girl of steel.

But right now she was just Kara, and whether she wanted them to or not, all of those old protective instincts surged at the idea of standing back and allowing her to be killed, even if it was only in a simulation.

Lena folded her arms and stared steadily back at J’onn.

‘Well then. Maybe it’s time someone made the decision for Kara that she would make for them.’

‘Maybe… but I think you’re wrong about what that would be.’

She laughed, but there was no humour in it.

‘You’re telling me that Kara wouldn’t keep the truth from someone to protect them, whether they would have chosen that for themselves or not. You’re telling me that.’

J’onn had the grace to look uncomfortable, but he still didn’t rise to the provocation.

‘This situation is different from Kara choosing not to tell you about her Kryptonian identity.’

‘Yes, it is. Because finding out the truth wouldn’t have fucking KILLED me!’

‘No one is going to let that happen!’

‘You literally just suggested that we should try that exact thing and hope that the barrier breaks in time for Kara to save herself. Tell me J’onn. Would you be saying the same thing if it was Alex’s life? If she lost part of her memory, and the fastest way to get it back also risked giving her a major stroke or a fatal brain hemorrhage, would you do it? Or would you decide that a kid glove approach might be better if we were talking about someone other than Supergirl?’

‘Lena, that’s not f-’ Alex started to protest, so Lena snapped her attention to her instead.

‘How about if it was Kelly? Right now Kara is more vulnerable than a human, so you can’t argue that we should push ahead because she’s Kryptonian and her body can take it. It can’t. Not right now. So would you risk leaving Kelly brain dead for the sake of a few weeks? Brainy, how about you? Would you think a 6.3% chance of killing Nia was acceptable? Or you Nia, if it was Brainy? I know things are difficult in the city right now, but the world is not in immediate danger, and Kara is safe like this.’

There was utter silence around the table, so thick it would have taken a machete to cut through it. Nobody quite met Lena’s eyes.

‘You’ve made your point Lena’. Alex finally said in a subdued voice, fists clenching and unclenching on the table before her.

‘You’re right. We’re used to Kara being physically a lot stronger than she is right now, and we need to take that into account with whatever plan we make. Maybe we should to go right back to the beginning and look over all the test results again – see if there’s anything we missed the first time round and-’

‘Um… Alex? Maybe I could try something else first?’

Everyone turned to Nia, who until now had been silently watching the argument pinging from Alex to Lena to J’onn and back round again like it was a game of ice hockey.

‘What are you thinking Nia?’ Alex asked.

‘Well, I’m not sure, but maybe there’s a way I could reach Supergirl through Kara’s dreams. It would be less direct than the Mind space because dreams aren’t supposed to be literal, it’s all more vague and symbolic there, so she might fight it less. Plus what Lena told us about the flying dream shows that maybe that’s where the cracks are going to appear’.

‘Oh.. yeah, you could be onto something!’

‘An excellent proposal Nia’.

‘I agree, that could be a good compromise’.

They all looked at Lena, waiting to see if she was going to object to this plan too in spite of everyone else’s support for it. And to be honest, she would have been more comfortable continuing to approach the problem with science rather than something as wishy washy and unpredictable as “magic”. But then… so would Lex. He would be much more likely to anticipate and plan for anything she could do with science than Nia’s dream powers, especially when even Nia didn’t entirely understand how they worked. It was by far the best option on the table at the moment, even if it did mean she was going to have to trust Kara’s treatment and welfare to somebody who wasn’t her.

That part was going to be a wrench after all this time feeling so sure she could crack it, but in a way it was also a relief. For the last few weeks Lena had not so much been burning the candle at both ends as throwing the candle into the centre of a blazing fire and keeping it from melting up entirely by sheer force of bloody mindedness. Between working on the Q-wave stimulator, keeping L-Corp running and spending more time than ever with Kara as part of Project Atlantis, not to mention check in meetings with the rest of the task force, it had been weeks since she had had a full night of unbroken sleep, and that was starting to take its toll. She sighed.

‘I’m in too. But if we’re going ahead I think Alex or I should be there during the sessions so we can keep an eye on Kara and bring her out immediately if she starts showing dangerous symptoms. Sorry Nia, it’s not that I don’t trust you to take care of her, but if you’re in a dream state you might not be so aware of what’s going on physically’.

‘Sure, I’d be fine with one of you two being there – it might be easier to explain as a group thing anyway’.

Around the table shoulders visibly relaxed as the tension eased, and the general mood finally began to shift to something more hopeful – optimistic even – as they started discussing how Dreamer should approach the task. Now that their course was decided Lena sat back and let the conversation go on around her, half listening but making no attempt to direct the flow, or even step into it. It wasn’t like she knew much about powers in any case, and she needed a minute to collect herself after what had just happened.

In the heat of the argument she hadn’t cared what bridges she was burning or what the fallout from that might be just as long as she was keeping Kara from being hurt, but now it was over she felt slightly... unbalanced by the experience. She wasn’t sorry that she had stood up against the suggestion that they should suffocate Kara for her own good (or whatever other ridiculously dangerous alternative J’onn would have come up with), but had to admit, if only to herself, that the way she had gone about it might not have been entirely prudent. Because she wasn’t the top-of-the-food-chain CEO here, whose word had to be obeyed by the majority of the people she came into contact with whether they liked it or not. In fact, now that they no longer needed her technology she wasn’t really anything to this group, and the idea that they might realise as much and drop her from the project made bands of panic tighten around her chest all over again.

She couldn’t walk away from this now. She was in too deep for that. She wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.

Not to Kara, but not to the rest of them either, because somewhere along the way she had stopped thinking of these people as adversaries she was forced to partner with to achieve a shared goal, and started to think of them as… something else. People that she cared about, and whose company she would miss if it suddenly disappeared from her life.

The hours she spent with Brainy working through technical details and swapping jargon-based humour that no one around them understood.

The coffee breaks with Nia when she and Dreamer both had cause to be at the DEO Headquarters, and the conversations they had that had begun, very lightly, to touch on families and the otherness that both of them experienced in their own different ways.

The camaraderie with Alex and mutual needling that increasingly felt like their own private in-jokes, and the fact that despite all the teasing (and even sometimes fighting), she was the first person Lena wanted to call when something well wrong with Project Atlantis, because Alex cared about Kara as deeply as she did.

Even J’onn, despite a somewhat awkward beginning, was becoming a respected colleague that Lena could almost forget had also posed as her best friend while she opened up about her love life and family insecurities…

Alright, that last one still stung, but they had been making progress. She didn’t want to just throw it all away now, no matter that that was exactly what she would have to do sooner or later, when Kara got her memories back.

‘Lena?’

She blinked back into the room, chagrined to have been caught zoning out just when she most needed to justify her presence here.

‘Sorry Alex, what did you say?’

‘I just asked if you could make next Monday instead of Thursday for the next Atlantis meeting’.

‘Oh-’ She was still in then. For now at least. ‘-Yes. I might need to move a couple of things around, but I can make Monday work, definitely’.

That meant there would be a few extra days until the next meeting, and Lena resolved to spend them (or as much of them as wasn’t already taken up by L-Corp) proving that she could still be a valuable asset to the project. Somewhat regretfully she let go of the extra couple of hours sleep per night that she had promised herself following the end of the Q-wave trials, and instead allocated the time to the study of dream interpretation. Because while it was true that Lena was just about as unmagical as it was possible for a person to be, she was excellent at research, and there was bound to be something in the established body of peer-reviewed literature that would begin to explain the mechanics of Nia’s power. If she could only find it then they would be able to take a scientific approach to determining the right way for Dreamer to get through to Supergirl, and that was something Lena could do in her sleep. The bands around her chest loosened, and she took what felt like her first full breath since she had looked up to see Kara’s blood staining her pillow.

‘How long do you think before you’re ready to get started Nia?’

Is there time for me to express ship some pertinent reading material from overseas, or should I only look locally?

‘Well, there is one snag I’m going to have to work out first... It turns out that Kara doesn’t actually know that I’m Dreamer anymore. That memory must have been pretty tied up with her own identity as Supergirl, and she has just blocked the whole thing out. So. I think before I can start on any of this stuff, I’m going to have to come out to Kara’.