#Like in my brain it is a very serious and angsty with a good ending fic

[cillianhead]

Heeyy, love your work💜 aaand I was wondering could you write dad's Bestfriend! Cillian and how your dad keeps asking Cillian to go on a double date with him and his wife since he's been single for a while, but Cillian doesn't want to and (you're at your house) or then somehow you and him end up in the same place later and talk about it? one of you confesses they're glad he didn't go cos they had feelings for the other and then things get heated 😉😉

Sorry if it's all over the place, I have so many little ideas in my brain rn lol

Thank you☺️

Thank you so much for your request, I've literally been thinking sooooo much about the idea of Dad's BestFriend! Cillian and how I wanted to write about it, I hope this is what you were looking for!

Enjoy <3

Illicit Affairs || Dad's BestFriend! Cillian Murphy x Reader

warnings: SMUT, age gap (Cillian is in his 40s, reader is in her 20s), taboo relationship, unprotected P in V, oral sex (f receiving), a bit angsty, having to hide their relationship, jealousy, some homophobic comments I guess?? (not from Cillian), general adult content!! (Cillian isn't an actor/famous in this also he moved to America... in this!) (Also this fic is quite long... so that's a warning!)

18+ Minors DNI

Cillian Murphy was that charming Irish man who lived just down your street. He had moved there around five or six years ago, you couldn't really remember, it was when you were just seventeen. He had moved here in the hopes of getting away from his ex-wife back in Ireland and starting over. Your dad was incredibly welcoming to him when he first moved in and they quickly became good buddies. Your dad was into sports and drinking beer, cooking out on the grill, and all that classic dad stuff. Cillian enjoyed that stuff too but he was much more into the arts than your dad ever could be. You two bonded over that. Cillian taught you how to play guitar, you'd write songs together, you'd go to concerts of bands you both liked.

Now you were twenty-four, in your last year of college and Cillian was still around, you still got together and went to concerts or played the guitar together every now and then, though you were more busy now and so was he. You'd had a crush on him ever since you had laid your eyes on him but you understood why it was wrong, understood why he was off limits. You couldn't help but grow jealous though when you'd see him bring home women every now and then and then see them leaving in the morning. It wasn't an occasion that happened often but it got on your nerves regardless, you knew you had no right to feel that way. But it still made you feel sick to your stomach.

Of course, you'd had a couple of boyfriends, none of them were all that serious. You hated yourself for comparing them to him, knowing no man could ever compare to the man that Cillian is. Your dad was oblivious to your (not-so) little crush. You had to keep it that way, not that anything was ever going to happen between you but you knew your dad would be uncomfortable with the idea of you having a crush on one of his best buddies.

"Cillian's comin' over tonight, Y/N." Your dad popped his head into your room, you just nodded and smiled before he left. You still lived at home since you studied not too far from home, your parents were more than happy to let you live there for as long as you needed but you had plans of moving out soon, as soon as you graduated.

"Thanks, Dad... I already know that." You chuckled. Your mom was downstairs cooking dinner and you had also received text messages from the man himself, earlier that day informing you he was coming over, so you were very much aware that he was coming over.

Cillian: Can't wait to see you. It's been a while, kid. xxx

You'd read the message over and over and over again. Your heart fluttered each time you did so. You hated how he called you 'kid', you were a grown woman, you weren't a kid anymore. You really hated it because you knew you didn't hate it. In fact, the nickname made you all shy and giggly, it made you like him even more.

It was around six when your mom called out for you that dinner was ready. You had tried your best to look nice, for whatever reason that may be. It wasn't anything too crazy or too dressy but it was definitely nicer than how you'd normally dress when you had guests over. A small black skirt that was a bit risky with how short it was but you could definitely get away with wearing it and a tight long-sleeved black shirt, tucked into it. You could hear chattering from the dining room, the sound of Cillian's chortling made you smile as you entered the room to find yourself meeting the back of the head of an unfamiliar blonde woman, sitting next to Cillian, and making him laugh. Your smile had dropped.

"Oh, sweetie!" Your mom waved you over to the table, the food had been served, both parents sitting on either end of the table while you had to sit and face Cillian and this strange blonde lady. Was this his girlfriend? You knew it had been around a month or so since you'd last seen him but surely he hadn't gotten a girlfriend in such a short amount of time. "This is Cassandra... we've been friends since college, I thought it would be nice to introduce her to Cillian... I've always said how I thought they'd get along."

You just nodded politely, looking Cillian in the eyes to see the discomfort staring back at you. Cassandra was beaming, as any woman should be if she sat beside Cillian, you just glared as you prepared your plate of food. You remained civil, of course, nodding along to things being said and laughing extra hard at jokes your dad tried to make. But you couldn't get rid of the big fat elephant in the room, Cassandra. She was pretty enough, with long blonde hair (obviously bleached, you thought), and makeup done elegantly but it was a bit much. Lip fillers to the max and smooth botox-filled skin. But the thing was... her perfume was obnoxiously loud for a smell. It filled the room like someone had bombed the place with perfume-scented grenades and it absolutely ruined the food. You don't know how Cillian could just sit there, breathing in her perfume without vomiting all over the place. You were sitting across the table and it was horrible, practically on the verge of a migraine, how bad must it be having to sit right next to her?

You scolded yourself silently for trying to put down this woman in your head. She hadn't done anything wrong except breathe near Cillian. It wasn't her fault you had some sort of weird jealousy issues when it came to him.

"...What... what do you do for work, Cassandra?" Cillian asked politely before taking a bite from his fork, looking at Cassandra with genuine interest. That made your gut churn.

"Oh... well I actually work for the Catholic church just around the corner," Cassandra smiled. "I actually go around... um... telling people about Catholicism and its benefits, trying to get them to join." You took a sip of your wine with a cheeky grin on your face as you saw Cillian's discomfort with her response. You knew fully well he had no issue with people practicing religion but you knew how he felt for people to go around and shove their beliefs down people's throats. With the slightest bit of alcohol running through your veins, you found some courage to feign interest in her line of 'work'.

"That's really interesting, Cassie," You hummed delightfully, your parents looked over at you cautiously. You knew you had crossed a line by calling her 'Cassie'. "What are your thoughts on gay people?" The room went silent. The drop of a pin could be heard.

Her face went beet red at this question. Your mom gave you a disappointed look before faking a smile. Cillian looked amused before turning to Cassandra, everyone waiting for her response.

"I... erm...." She was looking around the room. Now maybe you had guessed wrong, maybe she was totally fine with gay people but you had a feeling her answer was going to be the complete opposite of that. "I think... if someone wishes... to live that lifestyle... then they should... keep it to themselves..." You cringed at that response. "I think God... I think God would not approve of... that sort of lifestyle." Bazinga. Cillian was immediately put off.

"I didn't realize you spoke for God himself." Cillian chuckled as he looked down into his glass of wine with that mischievous smile that mirrored your own. The two of you giggled at each other, Cillian seemed sort of relieved in a way that he didn't have to deal with this bozo of a woman anymore and your jealousy had disappeared along with the food on your plate.

Eventually, Cassandra left hurriedly. Your mom scolded you for being rude but you just shrugged it off. Cillian stuck around to hang out with your dad as you and your mom cleaned the dishes, you could hear them chattering on the back porch, probably about the latest baseball game or your dad trying to convince Cillian to come over one day for a barbecue.

"Go bring these to your father and Cillian, sweetie." Your mom hands a pack of beer which you take carefully as you nod.

Walking out to the back veranda, Cillian sat with a cigarette in between his lips. How could someone be so pretty? You sat the beers down on the small coffee table before turning back around to keep helping your mom but were quickly stopped by Cillian's hands curling around your wrist. Electric jolts ran through you with his touch. "Why don't you join us, kid?" Cillian hummed.

"Alright." You politely sat down beside him, he sat in between you and your father. It was a lovely summer's night, the crickets chirped and the sun was only just setting at almost nine at night. It was quiet and peaceful and warm. Cillian's presence especially helped provide that atmosphere.

You tucked your legs up into your chest, you and Cillian occasionally sharing glances at each other while your dad and he continued to talk about subjects that didn't capture your interest. Every time he looked at you, you felt like you could explode, his eyes so captivating and simply electrifying. "Here, love." Cillian passed the cigarette over to you, and you took a small drag. Your dad gave you a disapproving look but shook it off as you passed it back, letting out the bellowing smoke from the chambers of your lungs and mouth.

"Weird seein' my little girl smoking a cigarette," Your father grumbled, cracking open a cold one and handing it over to Cillian. "S'not right, you've grown up too fast." While he opened himself a beer, Cillian laid his eyes on you, sucking in the thick smoke of his fag.

You just rolled your eyes at your father's comment. "If it makes you feel better... the only time I have ever smoked a cigarette is when I've been around Cillian." You giggled, looking over at Cillian to see him tilting his head at you, playfully nudging you.

"Hey," He whispered. "Don't dob me in, kid!" His voice was low and husky, you felt yourself squeeze a little at the tremor his tone caused.

Grasping your lip in between your bottom lip you just shook your head as you leaned your head against the wall of the house, staring out at the sunset. You sat out there for a little while, sharing puffs of the cigarette with Cillian until your dad got up, grumbling somethin' about how he was going to help your mother. Leaving you and Cillian alone together. Alone.

"Your parents are pretty eager to hook me up with someone," Cillian said, breaking the silence between you.

"Yeah?" You sucked in a breath.

"Yeah," He took a sip of his beer, setting it down on the table before stretching an arm back and laying it behind you, his hand gently resting on your shoulder. You were flustered, being so close to him, in this sort of dim lighting. "Apparently, I'm goin' out this Saturday to go on a double date wit' your folks... and some woman named Naomi."

You bit back a scowl. "Oh... that's nice..." You lied through your teeth, Cillian just let out an amused huff. It gave off the impression he was irritated with something but you couldn't quite pick up on why he would be annoyed. He wanted you to stand up and tell him to stay, to tell him to be with you instead, he wanted you to be angry, he thought.

You knew who Naomi was. She worked with your dad, you had met her a few times. She was incredibly bright, charming, and nonetheless beautiful, ageing gracefully. Cillian and her were going to get along quite well, in fact, you felt yourself grow sad over the fact they would probably flourish as a couple. You and Cillian sat in silence for a little while longer, you didn't know what else to say. You felt ashamed that this wasn't just a crush you had, you harbored genuine and strong feelings for him that you knew he could never reciprocate. It was wrong. But how could you not want to be with him? He was the best man you'd ever met. Cillian was kind, he understood your silence, and he made you laugh until your ribs hurt. He comforted you like no other, without even trying and god... he was magnetic, the most handsome man you'd ever seen.

"She's not the woman I'm interested in though," Cillian groused, his fingers fiddling with the sleeve of your shirt, his thumb occasionally brushing over the bare skin on your shoulder. You turned your head to look at him with a frown. His face perfectly aligned with yours, hot breath on your face, his pale blue eyes lit up by the rising moon. You could kiss him at that moment... but you wouldn't. You shouldn't. "Y/N..." He took in a deep breath, and your heart raced, it seemed like he was about to confess something. "I..."

"Come on! Let me walk ya home!" Your dad stepped out, and you immediately hopped up and out of the seat, not wanting your dad to see the close proximity you and Cillian were in, not that anything was happening between you two. Not that your dad would see anything you were feeling at that moment. "Sorry was I interrupting something?" Your dad murmured obliviously, disappointment painting both of your faces.

"No... no... I'd better be goin'," Cillian stood up, brushing himself off before pulling you into a tight hug. "See ya round, kid." He whispered into your hair before letting go of you, he gave you a longing stare before turning away.

"Bye, Cillian..."

Your heart sank as you watched him go. Curiosity that ate away at you bubbled in your stomach. What was he going to tell you? Surely... it's not what you were thinking? Sitting in your room that night, you struggled to think about anything else. You hated the idea of Cillian meeting this Naomi woman and falling in love with her. You hated that you felt like you had some sort of possession over him, he wasn't yours and he never would be.

Stormy Saturday rolled around and you had no plans, you just watched your parents get ready for this double date of theirs as you wallowed in self-pity and the sky opened up, just as moody as you were. They pestered you on why you were so grumpy, you just shrugged them off, blaming it on hormones. With every step they took towards the door, your heart broke more and more. You wished them goodbye before sitting on the couch with a tub of ice cream to soothe away the pain. An hour went by and you figured the date had started by now, Naomi and Cillian were probably planning their marriage straight away and you would have to watch him give himself away, you would have to sit in the church pews and resist from standing up and screaming when the minister asks if anyone has any objections. You imagined yourself watching their first dance, watching Cillian stand up and tell the world how she's the most amazing woman he's ever known and that he loves her. You imagined having to congratulate him, you imagined growing old and alone, still just as in love with him as you are now. You groaned at your silly thoughts.

"Get over yourself." You said through gritted teeth, talking to yourself as you bit back tears.

You had some stupid rom-com on, only further reminding you of how painfully alone you were and how desperately you wished to be the one Cillian wanted. You were quickly pulled out of your thoughts by your phone buzzing beside you, quickly picked it up when you saw it was your dad calling.

"Hey dad, how's it going?" You asked with a casual hum, plopping another bit of the vanilla ice cream into your mouth.

"Have you seen Cillian? He's yet to arrive." Your dad sounded worried, he was never a worrier. "He said he was going to show up earlier but we haven't heard from him since... have you heard from him?"

"No, I haven't, is he okay... do you think?" You sat up fully now, setting the ice cream aside. It wasn't like Cillian to not respond at all for so long. If he wasn't going to show up, he'd at least let the people know. You hear a loud strike of lightning outside, shaking the room.

"I don't know, I don't know, Y/N, it's been an hour and a half, he should be here..." Your dad grumbles. You can hear the sound of your mom apologizing to someone else, no doubt Naomi was the person she was apologizing to. Sorry, your future husband hasn't arrived, you imagined her saying. "Alright, I'm gonna go, we're gonna stick around here for a little longer... call me if you hear from him."

The call ends and you're left with an uneasy feeling in your chest. What if Cillian was hurt? You tried to brush away that feeling, getting up and putting the ice cream back in the freezer and the spoon in the sink. A knock at your front door, as loud as the thunder outside made you jump about halfway across the kitchen. Who would be knocking at this time? Especially during this weather?

You rush to the door, the rain pouring out, the trees just about to be ripped out of the ground with how harsh the wind was and you open the door, scowling at the wind.

"Y/N." Cillian gasped out, he looked straight out of a movie scene. Soaking wet. He took a step in, dripping all over the place. His eyebrows furrowed together as he approached you.

"Cillian, what? What are you doing here?!" You exclaimed, shutting the door. "My parents are worried sick about you!"

"I...."

"Why aren't you at your date?" You interrupted, scolding him like a naughty child. He was shivering as he took off his sopping coat, leaving him in a white button-up shirt that was equally soaked. It didn't leave much to the imagination, with the already somewhat translucent material and the water leaking through. It stuck to every inch of his skin like cellophane, his nipples peeked through, his chest and stomach on full display. You stopped yourself from checking him out any further, growing flustered as you felt him corner you in the living room. He had a wild look in his eyes.

"Cillian?" You ask again, concerned. His hair was sticking to his forehead, his eyes locked on you. He didn't seem to really care that he was as wet as a dog.

"Y/N..."

"Cillian..." You repeated.

His eyes said everything he was thinking. Hunger, love, and deep untamed desperation. You winced a bit at the feeling of hand cupping your face. "I love you." He whispered and you gasped.

"Cillian..." You whispered back, hesitant to respond to what he just said. "Have you... have you had something to drink tonight?"

"I'm completely sober, kid," He grunted as he leaned in to kiss you, hot breath on your neck as you quickly turned your cheek to him. You pushed him away, you knew this was wrong. You took a step away from him, and Cillian gave you a look of hurt. "Y/N, baby, I need to tell you this. I have to know you feel the same way." His voice was shaking. The room shook with him, you sat down on your sofa and curled your body up into a tiny ball. "Look at me, kid, look at me." "Don't call me kid!" You yelled with tears in your eyes, finally looking him in the eyes. Cillian jumped a bit at the sudden outburst, it wasn't like you to yell.

"Y/N..." Cillian whispered, a look of hurt.

"We... we can't... I don't know... what's going on right now... but this isn't right... you're my dad's best friend..."

"And you're my best friend's daughter," He sat beside you, placing his hand on your thigh and the other on your chin, making you look at him. "But it doesn't.... it doesn't change these feelings... I have for you."

"Why?" You shook your head away, trying to hide the hot tears that slipped down your face. "Why would you have feelings for me? You could have anyone... and you decide me." "I didn't decide this," Cillian sighed, he leaned in and pressed his face into your warm shoulder. His cold wet hair tickles along your jawline. "But I want you... it doesn't matter... any woman could beg to have me... I'd still want you, Y/N. No one else matters... I need you." Your heart ached. It felt like Cillian had wrapped his warm hand around your poor heart and squeezed it until warm raspberry jam spilled out of his fist. You felt torn.

"Don't cry, baby..." His voice was low and every bit of you wanted to fling yourself at him, to confess your undying love, to run away to Paris with him and never come back. The way he called you baby was delectable. But you couldn't stop thinking about your parents, about the look on their faces if they saw this. "Y/N... baby..." "Stop calling me baby..." You cried, turning your face full of anguish towards him. Cillian's lip quivered, thumb swiping away your tears. "I don't... I don't get it. I just don't get it, Cillian... why... you? Why... me?"

"You are the most extraordinary person I have ever met, kid..." Cillian's petal-like lips whispered to you oh-so-gently. Your eyes locked on the way his mouth moved as he spoke. "I... I know it's wrong, I know I'm a fuckin' creep... for feeling this way for you... I'm old enough to be your goddamn father... I've known you since you were... just seventeen-"

"How long... have you... you known...?"

"Since you came home from your trip to California last year..." He replied all too quickly. "I saw you with that stupid boy... Kyle or whatever the fuck his bloody name was and all I saw was red... I didn't... I couldn't handle seeing you with him." You bit back a smile. "You're too good... for any of those college boys..." He grumbled. "A lady like you... she needs to be treated right."

You can treat me right Cillian, you thought. "I've never wanted them... the way I've wanted you..." "Fuck..." He let out quietly, biting his own lip in response. "You can't say things like that." His blue eyes were just a sliver of what they once were, pupils were blown wide as if he were high from just staring at you. "Most brilliant girl... fuck... that last gig we went to... I wanted to wrap me arm around you and kiss you silly... claim you as mine... but... I was too afraid."

"What gave you the courage?"

"I've just had enough," Cillian swiped another tear off your cheek. "Had enough of waiting... I can't wait any longer..."

"I can't wait any longer either... it's been eating away at me, the idea of you with anyone else. I just... I can't picture you with anyone else."

Cillian grinned at you, still shivering from his wet clothes. You put him out of his misery, connecting your lips. After all this time, what felt like an eternity, you kissed. The oxygen around you no longer mattered, you had each other to breathe in now. This kiss was not slow and romantic, it was violent like you were trying to consume each other, trying to see who could win in this cannibalistic fight. His hands grasped at your waist, pulling you onto his lap and wetting your clothes with his soggy ones.

"Take my shirt off..." He whispered, he didn't have to ask you twice.

You unbuttoned his shirt as best you could while it was wet before ripping it open and revealing his delicious skin. "You're so pretty, Cillian..." This moment was surreal. The man of your dreams, twenty years older than you, with crow's feet and grey hairs, and the most beautiful soul you had ever found, sitting in front of you with his body on display for you. Your soulmate. You both had known it for a long time now. Making out on your couch was unacceptable to Cillian so he picked you up and carried you upstairs with your legs wrapped around his slim waist.

He had been in your room plenty of times before but never for reasons like this. Never with the desire to rip all your clothes off and crawl inside you. Cillian closed and locked the door behind you before throwing you down onto your well-cushioned bed. You watched him slide out of his shoes and pull off the sticky shirt that draped off his shoulders. Now he was completely shirtless and was prowling towards you like a tiger to its prey. "Gonna take your clothes off of now, love, is that alright?" He asked quickly, fingers slipping underneath the waistband of your shorts. You nodded desperately, your brain lost in some sort of fog of disbelief and horniness.

"God..." You whispered as you helped him shimmy off your shorts and you pulled your shirt quickly over your head. Leaving you in nothing but some small boxer shorts. He grinned madly.

"S'pretty..." His hands slid up your waist until both hands cupped each of your tits in his hands. "Fucking hell, kid." You rolled your head back at him calling you that, groaning at how it turned you on and gasping as you felt his hot mouth latch itself onto your hard nipple.

"Cillian... oh my god!" Your fingers tugged on his hair before he pulled off of you with a pop.

His lips were quickly back on yours as he pulled down your shorts, now you were completely naked and he knelt down on his knees so his face was perfectly aligned with what was between your legs. Your pussy was already soaking wet for him, he leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to your clit. "You are the most beautiful thing..." He whispered, staring directly at your throbbing cunt. "And the sweetest." His mouth worked deliciously on you and as if his tongue wasn't already enough, he slipped a finger into you, fingering at your g-spot.

"Oh!" You writhed around on the sheets, thighs tightly locked around his head, wet hair sticking to your soft skin. He was truly devouring you, like a man who had been malnourished for years, he feasted on you as if you were his last meal. And when you came on his face, he moaned loudly. The orgasm crept on you and hit you out of nowhere, you couldn't hold in the noises that came out of your throat.

You were delirious as you lay there, whining as he continued to finger you. "Fuck... I could eat your pussy all night long, baby," Cillian panted, chin dripping in your juices. "But I've gotta be inside ya."

"I'm... on the pill..." You murmured out, he pulled his finger out of you, sucking it clean as he undid his slacks. He moaned lowly at your words, letting his pants and underwear fall to his ankles. Cillian carried you up until your head rested on the pillows now. It was romantic the way he was handling you, the moment was so intimate as he stroked his cock, lining it up with your wanting hole. "I've thought about this... for so long..." "Me too, baby." Cillian huffed, rolling his eyes back into his skull as he fit the head of his cock into your pussy, pushing the rest in there slowly but surely. You arched your back against him, whimpering as he pressed fully into you. "So good." Cillian groaned as he leaned down and bit down on your lip, pulling it away and watching it pop back into place before properly kissing you. You made out while he remained still inside of you, his hands on either side of your head as your tongues twisted together. The first thrust sent your body into a state of euphoria as he began picking up the pace, rocking his hips in and out of you. Your fingers ran scratches up and down his back. Your bed old and creaky, slamming against the wall as soon as he fucked you hard and fast while remaining still so painfully romantic.

"I love you," You gasped out. "I love you... Cillian!"

"I fuckin' love you so much," His head hung low, and you got the perfect view of him above you. His face flushed and his eyes fixed on your own face full of pleasure. "You're mine, all mine... and I'm yours."

"All mine..." You repeated with a moan, clenching around him, feeling your own high slowly begin to grow.

"You're takin' me so good," Cillian's praise made you throb, his grunting making you gush around him. "My good girl, my best girl."

The look of love in his eyes and in your own could be seen a thousand miles away. Your souls' grand reunion, your bodies becoming one, and your love finally coming out into the open, like a beautiful fruitful spring after a long and dark winter. "I'm close, Cillian."

"Cum around me, love, I wanna feel you come undone." "I want you to cum inside me..." "Fuck," He groaned, hips stuttering into you. "I'll give ya what you want since you asked so nicely." Your vision went white, ears ringing as your hot sweaty bodies pressed together, fitting so perfectly together. Never had anyone made you cum like this before. Your orgasm washes over you in foamy waves, like a stormy ocean hitting the shore over and over and over again. Cillian's rhythm slowed down as he rutted into you, warm cum filling you, and you felt so relieved, this was how it was always meant to be. His lips pressed sloppy kisses to your neck, moaning directly into your ear, both of you riding out your intense highs.

He stilled, letting a bit more of his seed spill into you before he hissed as he pulled out. Cillian lay beside you, wrapping an arm around you as shook softly, still feeling the effects of your own orgasm hitting you. His eyes examined you so gently, a dopey smile on his fairy-like face and his hair beginning to grow curly from how wet it was.

"Cillian..." You whispered, rolling over onto your side to look at him. "I love you." "I love you, kid." He whispered back, holding you like he had the world in his arms. To him, you were his world.

"We'll be okay, right?" "We just... have to keep this a secret... from your parents..." Cillian said, disappointment evident in his voice.

"Yeah... I know..." You pressed your face into his bare chest, loving the warmth. "Cillian... I wish you knew how strongly I felt about you."

"I feel the same way."

You shared sweet nothings with each other. Still, in disbelief, this was actually happening as you fell asleep with smiles on your faces, in each other's arms. Unfortunately in the morning, you'd have to suffer the consequences of your dad walking in on you and Cillian resting peacefully in your bed.

-

hi! sorry this was so long but i hope you enjoyed <3

also sorry if there are any major mistakes!

[chunkypossum]

2024 Fic Writer End of Year Roundup

Answer and then tag three or more creators to keep the game going!

(If you're in my answers consider yourself tagged if you'd like to play!!)

1. How many words did you publish on AO3 in 2024? 619,247... with the way A03 calculates I don't think that's entirely accurate but that's what it says... I would take off 225k and guess it's more around 350-400k

2. How many fics did you complete this year?

18, those event weeks really had a chokehold on me

3. How many in progress or ongoing fics did you start this year?

I have only posted a couple of WIP this year. I have stared at least 20 more, but have yet to post anything on them. Hopefully, I will have them all organized by this evening so I can start with my 2025 goals of getting them all done or at least well on their way!

4. What was your favorite thing you wrote?

I had the best time with What We Deserve!! It has to go at the top of the list.

Honorable mention would be Mother Save Us From Your Twisted fate just because it came out of nowhere and I think I started the first part and finished it in a day or two like a madman and posted without really giving it a second look. Truly a fic of strange passion.

5. What piece was your most experimental or different from your usual style?

probably Lighthouse in the Woods. Exploring a poly dynamic in a fic I didn't originally intend to be poly was an interesting choice for my brain lol but a fun and rewarding challenge!

6. Did any fics surprise you - either while writing or their reception?

Under the Weeping Beech shocked me just because it demanded I write it but there was very little reward with how sad it is. Y'all know I love sad angsty shit but I always seem to find a way to make everything ok in the end. Not so much this time but I simply couldn't make myself write it any other way. This was how it was supposed to be

7. Do you have a fic you wrote and loved that went under the radar? (This is your sign to reblog/repost it!)

Everything kind of went how I expected it to this year, but a fic that went under MY OWN PERSONAL RADAR was When Even Moonlight Burns. I adore the outline but couldn't make myself get serious about it this year. I'm waiting for my depraved self to rise to the surface for that one. It needs to be a beautiful disgrace

8. Who is an artist that inspired you?

I'm not sure I could name anyone without naming EVERYONE. If you have created Azris, you're on this list.

@queercontrarian inspires me daily with her work. Her attention to detail and the fashion work in her pieces are notches on my bones, that's how permanently they have changed me. I find myself staring at them for entirely too long to be appropriate and keep coming back to revisit my favorites!

@elleybug has a vision for her art that speaks to me on a cellular level. Every single piece supplies me with endless amounts of emotion that just make me want to create and create and create!

9. Who is an author that inspired you?

This question is really testing my memory because every time I read something I get inspired. All of you are just too damn good so if I forget to tag you it's only because I am stupid or I simply haven't been able to get to your amazing work yet BUT I WILL... and not because you don't belong on this list!!!

@fieldofdaisiies for her sweet pieces, @born-to-riot for her funny pieces, @acourtofladydeath for her thoughtful pieces, @secret-third-thing for her weird pieces, @iftheshoef1tz for her poetic pieces, @g00seg1rl for her horny pieces, @pippsmcgee for the dazzling intricacy of that piece she is teasing me with @talibunny30 for characterization in that nesta fic that wont leave me, @jules-writes-stories for the emotion she brings, @the-darkestminds for her dark mind that's like a twin flame, @mistandmemories for all that edging and absolute adorableness, @yanny-77 for the mastery of the dynamics between characters, @fourteentrout for the delicious intimacy, @brunetterebel010 for the vulnerability, @neciebee for the lyrical prose, @whisperingmidnights for the soulful prose, @mudandmire for the gorgeous and unique ideas, @unanswered-stars for the heartbreaking beauty!

10. Who is a new author you discovered?

so so many this year! Special mentions to @jules-writes-stories, @the-darkestminds, @mistandmemories who I really consider to be the big three of 2024 for me! Following along each of your beautiful stories this year has been a highlight!

11. Did you do any collaborations? How did it start?

not this year!

12. What accomplishments are you proudest of?

Everything I managed to finish lol. I was worried it would be nothing at all!

13. What did you learn about writing or creating this year?

I work best when I am just dishing out what's been gnawing at me, and trying to participate in too much just for the sake of it was too draining!

14. Any advice you’d like to share with new or aspiring writers?

It's fanfic, take the pressure OFF and just write the thing! If there is a story in your heart you really want to have exist in the world, you need to get it out and let it breathe! Don't focus on numbers or style or craft while you're just getting started. Have fun and create because you NEED to, everything else can come later.

15. What are your creative goals for 2025?

I have approx 12347576412 projects I would like to get written... I'm here to mass produce simply because I can't keep up with my brain. LOL. But truly if I can get one full multichapter fic completed this year I will be very happy!

[allastoredeer]

I just had to agree, that a huge Alastor fight scene is really all I want for season 2!

During "Stayed Gone", Valentino mentions a time that Alastor almost beat Vox, which implies that he narrowly lost in a fight between them.

He was badly injured in the fight with Adam, and had to retreat.

By the rule of three, it would be so poetic and amazing, if we got a fight scene where he doesn't back down, but continues to fight with everything he has, and emerges the unquestioned victor, wiping the smiles off the Vee's faces for good.

Bonus points if he actually accepts help from his found family, in the form of backup and helping him heal afterwards. He's so stuck on being a lone wolf (well, deer...), that him slowly learning to trust others would be such delicious character growth!

Actually, the way I interpreted Valentino saying that Alastor "almost beat Vox," is that during their fight Alastor was about to beat him. Like, if it continued, Vox was 100% going to lose. But the battle didn't see an actual end, with an actual victor, because, in my headcanon/theory, Vox was forced to retreat.

If Vox won, even narrowly, I don't think he would've been nearly as defensive or annoyed at Valentino for bringing it up. If the fight ended with Alastor retreating (or even losing), Vox would've milked the shit out of that. He would never let Alastor live that down. Hell, if the fight was recorded in any way, he'd be playing that shit on loop.

I think with Vox losing, it'd make him simultaneously eager for a rematch, but also nervous to fight Alastor head-on again considering he nearly lost (which might also explain why they never came face-to-face in season one. They only interacted from a distance, through their different mediums), and why he was SO happy when Alastor lost during the Extermination. He was living vicariously through Adam during that fight (Adams victory was HIS victory) because Alastor finally got a taste of the humiliation and defeat Vox felt all those years ago (and STILL feels, even now).

And considering all of that, I will go FERAL if there's a fight with all the Vees versus Alastor. I want to see what they can do. There are different ways to be powerful out side of strength and magical ability (see Rosie who's not physically or magically as strong as the other Overlords), so I want to see what Valentino and Velvette can do in a fight or on an intellectual level. The brains and the brawn (and whatever Valentino is.) I would laugh so hard if Valentino is actually the muscle of the Vee's. He's got very few braincells, but he can lift 2x his own weight, all they got to do is point him in the right direction. He's all muscle.

And I want that fight to be a close one too. In fact, if Alastor LOSES in that fight, my god, would that be such an angsty, complicated, even more humbling experience for him. Vox would be fucking THRIVING. He would be reveling. He finally beat the Radio Demon. He finally beat Alastor (and the complicated emotions. GOD the emotions that they'll both have during and after that)

But I also don't want Alastor to lose T.T He's my fav, and he already been so thoroughly humbled once, I think I'd collapse if he lost again. BUT if he were on the cusp of losing, got his second wind, and ultimately came out the victory, I would be screaming, jumping out of my seat, frothing at the mouth. I fucking LOVE that shit.

And super, serious 100% extra bonus points he gets help from his found family in the form of back-up or patching him up afterward. I think that would be amazing character growth for him. I WANT IT SO BAD ANON WHY DID YOU MAKE MY OBESSION AND YEARNING GROW I AM NOT A VERY BIG PERSON YOU'RE LITERALLY GOING TO MAKE ME EXPLODE WITH ALL THESE EMOTIONS

[yes-i-write-fanfiction]

What if in Earthspark, Optimus and Megatron had a sparkling together after the war and destruction of the Ground Bridge?

They would be considered the first Terran, given they were sparked on Earth and lived there for most of their lives.

And while they enjoy Earth and have a good relationship with both of their creators, they can't help but feel uncomfortable with how they were enemies in the past and both led their own armies that fought and brought destruction to the planet and its populace.

But still there happy for the most part with there family and are great friends with the new Terrans and the Maltos.

Ok but imagine the fucking baggage of having those two as parents. Because while the kid might have been shielded from the worst of it when they were young (kept in the dark, the more gruesome details being omitted), it's only a matter of time before they find out the scale of the war. Billions died. Cybertron was left a desolate landscape. Lives were ruined. And at the very heart of it all were their parents. Two bots that, for millions of years, tried to kill each other.

Imagine the kid meeting Soundwave. Or Starscream. Seeing the direct results of Megatron's actions. Not just his betrayal of the decepticon cause, which he encouraged bots to live and die for, but also the abuse that he employed against some of his own people. Megatron is a better person now, kinder, but that doesn't erase what he did.

The kid would end up with two different images of their Megatron; the gentle parent that they know and the cruel warlord. It must be so hard to try and even reconcile that they are the same person.

Not to mention Optimus. Jesus Christ, that's a mess on its own. Because yeah, to them he's kinda goofy, the fun parent that makes dad-jokes and goofs around but he was a leader too. He inspired bots to fight, even when there appeared to be no end in sight. Not only that but he's a Prime, a chosen one some would argue, and you can't tell me that some autobots didn't get fanatical in their devotion to the cause and to him. And now he's just some guy? Or at least trying to be?

And both of them just left all of that behind. Left Cybertron, left their armies and settled down on Earth, like they could start anew. How wild is that? That they could just dump those responsibilities and start this new life? What about their armies? The bots that fought for them? What did they think about the fact that their leaders were now together and have a child?

It feels like another betrayal.

Know this turned out a bit more angsty/serious than the initial prompt suggested but this just ignited something in my brain and made me go a bit hogwild.

[musicalmoritz]

Can we get a list of all the tbhk ships you can think of ranked in order of how much you like them? I'm just curious! Leave out anything you flat-out don't like of course!

Ooooh, this will be a challenge! I’ve done the teirmaker list thing twice for TBHK ships but my opinion on them keeps changing (there are some I used to not care abt that are now some of my favorites). I think I’m gonna try to break this up into sections to make it easier

The Holy Trinity

Aoinene- Obviously my all time fave. I’ll be honest I wasn’t expecting it but this one has shot into my top favorites of all time, which is a very sacred list🙏🏻 I wasn’t expecting to love them so much because I really like the canon pairings but Beecalm’s fan fictions (and many others) altered my brain chemistry. Once I started to focus on them more I couldn’t stop and now I over analyze everything they do. And ofc writing my own fics made me like them more. I really like the potential of both of them keeping secrets from each other and Nene sort of knowing there’s something up with Aoi but being totally unaware of the extent of it (yk like if they were written by an author who gaf abt them they could be so cool). Also the “best friend becomes the villain” trope is simply superior

Mitsukou- This one recently swapped with Terukane. I expected it to be my favorite bcuz canon gays usually are but Aoinene surpassed them. I still love them tho, I like how fucked up they can be with all the cannibalism and bullying as a love language. They’re all cute and angsty but they also have some serious problems, like dudes please get therapy. Mitsuba wanting someone to depend on and Kou wanting Mitsuba to only depend on him. It’s like a train wreck I can’t look away from. But also like I want them to be happy and hold hands. Maybe they can get couples counseling

Terukane- Don’t be fooled by it dropping one level, I still love them a lot!! I like the fanon concept of them helping each other heal, especially when fics have Akane taking care of Teru. Really, this is my “I just want Teru to be happy” ship lol. The shippers are so funny and good at analyses, and I like how they both thrive off of their rivalry. They have such a comedic duo thing going on too, the final exam chapter was so funny. Their relationship is built on trust, or something like that

Absolutely Fucking Love

AoiAoi- This one may come as I surprise considering Aoinene and Terukane are so high but I’m obviously a huge multishipper. The thing with their names is so funny to me, it’s the first thing I tell my friends abt TBHK every time I introduce them to it. I love how complicated they are while at the end of the day still being very dedicated to each other. They’re both so down bad, it’s cute. Despite their initial toxicity, I strongly believe this is the healthiest canon ship but I’ll hold my tongue

Terukaneaoi- I am strongly hesitating to put this one so high since it used to be more of an after thought but I simply cannot separate AoiAoi and Terukane from this ship so it feels fitting. Even if I’m shipping two of them without the other I still imagine them being very important to each other. My enjoyment of the manga increased tenfold when I started interpreting their love triangle as “Aoi and her two boyfriends.” Lowkey believe AidaIro ship them too. This is what I mean when I say we need more poly ships

Hananene- Also struggling to put this one so high but they’re the main couple, I feel like they deserve this spot. Every now and then I start to think I don’t care abt them that much but then I remember the ending of the Picture Perfect arc and I’m like oh right. They’re soulmates. Their relationship is one of the highlights of the manga for me. I mainly prefer this ship with Amane’s personality over Hanako’s but they are the same person so it’s cute either way

Sakuhiko- This was very briefly my favorite. I headcanon them as sapphics which gives them extra points lol. I love how Natsuhiko seems to know Sakura so well, and how dedicated he is to them. I like the idea of them having a less conventional relationship, they aren’t “together” but they’re still together. Very romantic and typical TBHK fucky messed up stuff. Villain couples are elite

Aoimei- This one could’ve been higher than HanaNene and Sakuhiko but I’m a coward lol. I’m happy that AidaIro gave us sapphic breadcrumbs, even if it was only in an au. To me these two just make sense, they would be perfect for each other. Mei is absolutely a lesbian in my eyes and Aoi has gotta be some type of sapphic. I like that they stayed together even after the love potion, and how Aoi was more comfortable with the idea of Mei falling in love with her than any of the guys. I am absolutely in love with this ship

Adore

Aoimei 2.0- This is the version with No.4 Mei. I am not the first to come up with it but I do believe I’ve made the most fan content for them lol. I sometimes like this more than OG Aoimei but they’ve sadly never interacted in canon so it gets docked a section. It’s such an interesting concept, the way both of them exist as a culmination of the rumors made about them. They would have such an interesting dynamic, in my mind they are enemies to lovers lol

Terukaneaoinene- This one is soooooo underrated. Terukaneaoi is great enough on its own, add Nene and you have all the best ships mixed together. You have to be deep into multishipper hell to like this one bcuz p much every combination of ships here are enemies with each other. Best solution? They all date

Akaneneaoi- Okay I’m just gonna go through every poly variation within Terukaneaoinene here, they’re all pretty interchangeable with each other. This one is great because it’s Aoi and her two favorite people

Teruaoinene- Supremely underrated!! Teru is great, he deserves two girlfriends. And instead of Aoi and Nene being pitted against each other bcuz Nene likes Teru and Teru likes Aoi, they both get to date him AND each other. So fun

Teruakanene- Their little date was so cute (technically they’ve gone on two now). Idc if it was meant to be a Terunene date, Akane was included in my heart. Not crazy abt the lack of Aoi here but this is still an elite ship (one of my mutual named them Pineapple Pals)

TeruAoi- This one is deeply controversial. Tbh it could be above the poly ones I just listed but I like them more in the context of Terukaneaoi or Terukaneaoinene. Teru’s potential crush on her in canon is very cute to me, and I like how she seems to warm up to him throughout the series. I will never understand how people headcanon that they hate each other lol, either they’re dating or they’re best friends

Meinene 2.0- No.4 Mei version ofc. This one is a bit interchangeable with OG Meinene but I like this one a teensy bit better bcuz of the hand-holding scene. Every time I listen to “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” by the Beatles I think of them. This is truly my “I just want Mei to be happy” ship. I like the idea of Nene helping her work on her mental health/self-image issues

Meinene- OG Mei version. Their pancake date lives in my head rent free. Might like it a bit better than the other Meinene but idk they swap a lot. Recently this Meinene has been consuming all my thoughts. It feels so canon, AidaIro clearly wanted Mei to have a girlfriend

Sakunene- This ship should be so much more popular than it is. Like every ship listed below Aoimei 2.0 in this section, it could be swapped with any of the others depending on my mood. This is PEAK enemies to lovers hero/villain character foil vibes. They are everything to me. Nene having a crush on Sakura is lowkey canon so I wish more people recognized their potential

Terunene- So overhated because people have no imagination smh. If Nene came to understand who Teru really is (I think she’s learning but shhh) I think they could be absolute couples goals. Unlike most fans I don’t rly want Teru to have a crush on Nene in canon, I think most people who suggest that only say it bcuz they don’t want to try to understand TeruAoi. But I digress. Super cute ship

Akanene- Another divisive one!! They seem to have this weird animosity towards each other in canon (likely due to Aoi) but whenever they team up…oh man, I love seeing these two work together. They’re both hopeless romantics so they’d be able to match each other’s energy

Aoimeinene- A fairly recent one but I’ve become obsessed. I tend to think of each of the ships separately tho so I need to figure out how the dynamic would work with all three of them. I hope to someday write a fic for them and make this ship more popular (tho I think I’m already on my way to doing that with this blog lol). There are not nearly enough femslash sapphic ships in this fandom, I need more

HakuSumi- Not really sure how to rank this one, I love love love their relationship but I’m not heavily invested in it…still, I don’t want to put it too low. My favorite husband and wife, they deserved better :( I’m glad the fandom is starting to warm up to this one, maybe they’ll have a renaissance like AoiAoi

Super Cute!

SakuMei- No.4 Mei version. We briefly saw them together in ASHK so I think AidaIro know they would be good friends. Their personalities match each other very well and the fanfics are amazing (seriously pls read SakuMei fanfics they’re so good). I lightly associate Mei with the Broadcasting Crew so I like to think she and Sakura would hang out a lot. I headcanon them as exes lmao

Natsuteru- Almost forgot about this one…I have mutuals that would sue me over that. So we all know that Natsuhiko and Teru are exes but consider them as transfem butch lesbian exes. Yes I’m right I’m so correct. I will also accept butchfemme Natsuteru

Kounene- Okay so like…I don’t really multiship a lot with Mitsukou *the crowd boos me* I know, I know. I think this ship is insanely cute as a concept but SOME of the fans are weird abt Mitsukou and HanaNene. It throws me off a bit but I have full love for the ship itself, only when it’s requited on Nene’s side tho. I’m not crazy abt one-sided pairings

HanaKou- Again with the mtsk thing…but let’s be real this ship is art. They could do Romeo and Juliet but Romeo and Juliet could not do HanaKou. I prefer them as best friends but I totally get why so many people like them romantically. They have a funny dynamic. I have a request for them so be on the lookout for that

MitsuHana- Hear me out hear me out, this one is so funny to me. Specifically the concept of Hanako having a crush on Mitsuba. I like to think they’d have the same dynamic as Richie and Eddie from It if you catch my vibe (Hanako is Richie and Mitsuba is Eddie). It pairs well with Kounene too

HanaNeneMitsuKou- Only if Mitsuba and Nene aren’t dating, I don’t fw Mits*nene. Specifically I like this ship when things center around Kou, he’s super nice and protective of everyone so all his friends crushing on him feels so realistic lmao. The four of them would bully each other so hard too, I like to picture them acting similar to the main four from South Park. Please see the vision

SakuAoi- Rumor Girlfriends!!! I love the concept of this ship and they have been shown together a lot in official art. Tbh this one could be higher, but I need a bit more for it yk?? I totally get the concept but it hasn’t completely clicked for me yet. This one may level up in the future tho, as I said the concept is very interesting. I would love to see it in an au where Aoi is with the Broadcasting Crew.

MinaMari- We know little to nothing about their characters but the concept is so cute to me. They’d probably be higher if they had more focus in the manga but alas, they are extremely minor characters😔 They give me major Chappell Roan vibes tho

Sakoo- I’m not overly invested in them but this ship is a staple so they get this category. They’re a cute background ship to Mitsukou. I could see them having some type of crazy slowburn and getting together in their 30s

LemonFuji- A ship I came up with, they are so silly to me. I was gonna put this way lower but then I remembered it’s my favorite Lemon ship. Kinda forgot abt them tho so they could technically be moved a tier down…but no, as the captain of this ship I must go down with it. LemonFuji World Domination

Lemonkane- Not really sure where to put this one in relation to the others but I like them. The fact that they dated in canon always baffles me, I love whenever AidaIro say gay rights. It’s a little funny to me that this isn’t Akane’s main mlm ship, it’s like Lemon got demoted

NagiTsuchi- Say it with me…Old Man Yaoi. Another one I’m not majorly invested in but this is my designated ship for both characters. Workplace romance is one of my favorite tropes, especially with teachers. The Yugi Twins’ dads, trust

Like

Sakuaoinene- So I guess this tier is an “I see the vision/I could get into it” category. I’ve always been aware of this poly ship but for some reason I’ve never looked too deeply into it!! I did make headcanons for them once but beyond that I just don’t think of them often enough. I’ll have to think about it more, the concept is god tier. I like all ships between them so this could be like supreme toxic yuri or smth

Natsunene- Their little door date was so silly and no one talks abt it. I feel like I’m the only person who ships this. Please let them be girlfriends

KouAoi- One of the best rarepairs fr fr but there’s so little content so them. I have a fic idea for them but I haven’t had time to write it yet. To me this is a “crush on your older brother’s best friend” ship lolol. I think it would be more of a celebrity crush on Kou’s part but it’s still adorable

Sakuaoimei- No.4 Mei version. I have a fic request for them that I swear I’ll get around to at some point (I’m trying to stick to a schedule but school has kept me busy this week). I’ll have to brainstorm more of a dynamic for them, I feel like they’d all fit really well together. Sakura and Aoi would nerd out together about horror stories while Mei watches them fondly. Aoi deserves two ghost girlfriends

YoMitsu- I like this one as an unrequited thing, like Yokoo being the typical protagonist of a teen movie and Mitsuba being the unattainable crush. And drama! His crush is dating his best friend. Very much Jesse’s Girl vibes. I made headcanons abt this on TikTok and got ppl all invested in the lore

SatoMitsu- Don’t know much about this one but it seems sweet, he protects him from Kou’s bullying

YoKou- This one is weirdly popular for a rarepair, I feel like I see it all the time. They seem cute enough

SaKou- Satou 100% had a crush on Kou at some point. So did Yokoo but we already covered him. In like 10 years he’s gonna be going about his day and randomly be like “ohhhhh so that’s what those feelings meant”

SaKooMitsuKou- Cute poly ship! Satou and Yokoo help Mitsuba and Kou keep their violence to a minimum. Actually maybe we shouldn’t drag them in to all their drama. Nvm let them be silly boyfriends

SakuMeiAoiNene- Works with either Mei tbh (I’m too tired now to rank them separately I’ve been working on this all throughout the day). Any ship between these characters is elite, I fully support it and would read a fic abt them (or write one)

Koukane- See this one has potential but in my mind they are brother-in-laws so I’m still trying to sell myself on it. I like it tho!

SumiYako- I can’t rly see Sumire with anyone but Hakubo lol but it’s femslash so ofc I like it. I need fics and edits for them, I feel like this one could really grow on me. I want to marry both of them fr fr

TsuchiYako- At first I loved it, then I hated it, now I’m warming back up to it. I could see them having a thing without ever having to discuss it yk?? Like they’re together in some sense and they both know it without having to make a big deal out of it

MitsuKane- One of my moots said they would smoke weed together and I have loved the concept ever since. Another ship I feel like I could get into

SakuTeru- Ignore the ranking for this last category btw I have lost the plot. I cannot see Sakura with a man but if it’s nb or transfem Teru then yes. Very interesting concept

SakuNatsuTeru- This ship is so funny I need to look more into it. They all give me major poly vibes so seeing them together feels biblically accurate

SakuMei 2.0- Original Mei version. I’ve not rly looked into it but I could see myself liking this one. They give me opposites attract vibes

NatsuAoi- A rarepair that only I ship (I think). It’s super chaotic to me

LemonAoi- Aesthetically pleasing, I saw an edit for them once and it was life changing. Really I love any Aoi ships, her complex character makes for very interesting dynamics (even tho she only rly cares abt 2 ppl)

Mama Yashiro x MitsuMom- People pair them together a lot so that Mitsuba and Nene can be siblings and I’m totally here for it. Another one I’ve been meaning to write a fic for bcuz there’s not a lot focused solely on them (for obvious reasons). Let the milfs kiss

MitsuLemon- Another rarepair my moots introduced me to. I’ll have to look more into it but yayyyy their colors go together

Lemonkaneaoi- The original concept for TBHK is so fascinating to me. We could’ve had it all

TeruLemon- Fun rarepair, love the overload of blonds here

TsuchiHaku- I saw fan art of them once and I have not stopped thinking abt it

KataSumiHaku- I was recently introduced to this one and I love it, I’m obsessed

Okay there are probably more I could think of but those are ones I don’t care enough about to list. If I get invested in any new rarepairs you will probably catch me yapping abt them on here. Just assume Mitsukou and SouKou are equal btw I did NOT wanna bother with listing them separately. Again, my rankings change a lot but this is probably the most accurate one I’ve done in terms of categorization. Thank you for this ask, I really enjoyed making this!!

[whenlostinthedarkness]

Clarity

Pairing: Ellie x Reader

Warning: Alcohol intake

Summary: You get to know Ellie a bit more when the both of you are paired up on a patrol route. When Ellie asks you to hang out..you don’t expect what happens next. Sorta angsty, but lots of fluff too

AN: Got this AU from @dailyau and had to run with it; “I thought you asked me on a date but turns out it’s a group hang”.

Word Count: 3.4k

---

Present Day

The sun had just begun to set on Jackson as your feet moved against the paved road.

All the nerves you’d been feeling for the past two days were continuing to feel like static through your hands and legs, but you couldn’t deny the equal amount of anxiety and excitement you had for tonight.

Ellie had asked you out.

Ellie-fucking-Williams asked you out.

---

Past

You ended up having to cover for someone on patrol last minute. Thus, you ending up on a patrol route with Ellie. When the both of you weren’t shanking clickers in the head or searching through a building to ensure it was clear, the conversation was constant and flowing naturally. And even though it had only been a one day thing, you couldn’t help but feel butterflies for the auburn haired girl anytime she looked at you that day.

Ellie was someone you would consider an acquaintance. You knew of her, and let's be honest, who didn’t know who she was in Jackson, but the most you’d gotten to actually know her prior to this was quick ‘hello’s’ and friendly smilies while walking by one another.

That night, when you had both checked back into Jackson, post-route, Ellie ended up walking home with you-Insisting that you didn’t live far from her anyways and she was enjoying your company.

Watching her speak was truly a masterpiece. Her facial expressions when she was telling a story, the way her full lips moved as she spoke, her body language as she used her hands and arms to speak along with her. Masterpiece.

God, and her smile. Such a simple thing to do, yet she made it look ten times as beautiful compared to all the smiling faces you’d ever seen. The way her eyes would reflect against the street lights as her nose scrunched up, making her freckles that much more pronounced and complementing to her facial features.

As you reached the front door of your home that night, you found yourself not wanting the conversation to end; Ellie felt the same as well.

“So uh-h. Would you uh..maybe want to hang out sometime?”, Ellie asked cautiously as her eyes diverted away from you and one of her hands came up to scratch at the side of her neck in a fidgeting action.

Suddenly, the butterflies in your stomach were lurching from within, past your lungs and up into your throat until they were fluttering around you, making your face glow with a nervous smile that you were trying so very hard to not make stretch across the entire width of your cheeks.

“I’d love to Ellie.”

--

Present Day 

Two days had passed since that day with Ellie. Two days of thinking and wondering and rehearsing what you would say, how you would say it ; what you would wear and how you would wear it. 

Your mind had been busy, that was for sure.

Ellie was also finding herself daydreaming about what the night would look like...which included pestering her friends about you every conversation.

---

Past: Ellie POV

“D, you don’t understand.”

Dina rolled her eyes as Ellie and her walked side by side, “I get it Ellie! She’s hot and you like her.”

Ellie felt you like a racing horse in her veins. Her thoughts being utterly and completely consumed by your last interaction. 

“Fuck, how could one day with this girl entirely alter my brain?”, Ellie thought.

“Sorry, I know I keep going on and on and on about this chick-”

“Mhmm”, Dina hummed, looking at Jesse on her other side with a smile.

“-but I just really want to make a good impression on her so you have to be good.”

“When are we ever not good Ellie?, Jesse mused as he peaked in front of Dina to glance over at Ellie with a mischievous smile.

“I’m serious guys! I don’t wanna fuck this up.”

Dina shook her head as her and Jesse exchanged matching laughs, “Chill Ellie, we’ll be good!”

Ellie seemed satisfied with Dina’s answer as she turned to look straight ahead and continue walking down the road.

---

Present Day

You could see it in the near distance. The large wooden building adorned with its very own etched sign that twinkled against the fairy lights that swayed on the edges of the awnings. It truly acted like a lighthouse among the darkness of Jackson in the evening hours. 

The bottoms of your only non-ripped or stained combat boots kept your body moving as the lights became brighter the closer they got, until your hand was resting on the cold metal door knob of the Tipsy Bison.

Your body seemed to pause as all of the thoughts and feelings and nerves caught up to you all at once. 

What if you both didn’t vibe this time for some reason?

What if it was awkward?

What if we didn’t have anything to talk about?

What if I hyped this up too much?

“’cuse me,” a deep voice spoke behind you, making your body physically jolt.

The man towered over you with a kindness in his eye and smile on his lips. “You heading in?”

You nodded, embarrassed by your body freezing and disregarding the life around you for a moment, simply because you were nervous over some girl that you met two days ago.

“Get your shit together,” you internally yelled at yourself.

“Allow me then.”

You moved your eyes from your hand back to the stranger before you took the hint and dropped your hand from the doorknob as the man reached out his hand to pull open the door; an immediate sound of various conversations and clinking glasses overtaking the once bare quiet you had experienced walking over here.

You were left alone now as the man went his own way. Immediately, your eyes began scanning the crowd in search of a place where you belonged among all of these people. It was rush hour, as you liked to call it. A time just after dinner, when most people’s job duties of the day were over and allowed time for rest and unwinding. The majority of Jackson was in attendance it seemed as your eyes squinted, trying to differentiate between all of the bodies, until your eyes met Ellie’s green ones.

Your smile widened as the both of you made eye contact and Ellie’s hand raised up in the air to wave you over. You couldn’t move your feet faster as you bobbed and weaved through the crowd of primarily tipsy attendees.

But finally, you made it.

“Hey you”, Ellie smiled, raising her chin up in the air to greet you just before she lifted her honey colored glass to her lips, her eyes still holding themselves on you.

“Hey yourself”, you greeted with a smile as you relaxed your elbow on the edge of the bar with your body turned towards Ellie.

Ellie wore a faded grey plaid shirt that was relaxed in fit, yet didn’t shy away from her lean figure that hid underneath the fabric. The sleeves were rolled up just below her elbows, perfectly showing off the fern that adorned her fore arm as well as the slight tan that had settled in below it.

Her hair was pulled back this time, allowing full access to her facial features, unlike her messy half up style she was sporting the day you first interacted with her on patrol.

Not that you were complaining.

As you were busying your eyes by taking in Ellie, she too was mimicking your behavior; Taking in your hair, your clothes...how your body looked in the clothes. Her pupils were growing by the second as she devoured you more and more with her gaze.

Of course, neither of you noticed the other fawning after the other. Conveniently, you both were grabbing eyefuls at the exact same time, keeping the nerves warming within your stomach a secret to the other person.

“Ow,” Ellie yelped, feeling a nudge at the back of her shoulder, almost forgetting the two friends that were accompanying her tonight. 

This broke both of your trances as you looked towards Ellie with a concerned look on your face.

“Oh yeah..these are my friends Dina & Jesse.” Ellie gestured to both of them as they smiled at you, quietly analyzing the girl Ellie had hyped up to them for nearly 48 straight hours.

But what Ellie didn’t know was the way your heart instantly began to sink; a literal drop in the middle of your torso as you began to put together the pieces of the puzzle.

You weren't the only one invited to this night out at the Tipsy Bison. This wasn’t a fucking date at all, this was...just a casual night out with her friends. Ellie wanted to be your friend. Just your friend.

How could you have been so stupid?,” You thought to yourself as your lips pulled down into a frown that quickly changed into a faux smile as your manners kicked in and you looked at the two strangers stood at Ellie’s side.

“Hi”, you said timidly, with a shake of hand to each of them as you attempted your very best at ensuring nothing was wrong.

Nope. Everything was fine. You totally weren’t feeling like a complete and utter fool who had envisioned a date night perfectly crafted by a human who was perfectly sculpted in your eyes.

Though you were trying your absolute best to completely mask your true feelings to the outside world, Ellie, of course, noticed. Her eyes had been trained on your mouth after all, so when it faltered, turning from a grin that cascaded downwards into an unhappy expression, she quickly looked to your eyes to tell her the truth. But even your eyes knew how to cover up your feelings or at least leave them to be hidden behind a dark veil.

Ellie disrupted the silence with a brief introduction of her friends. Sensing the thick tension in the room, that she wasn’t sure was a figment of her imagination or the truth, but either way, this was her one shot at getting you on a good note with her closest friends and she wanted to make it as smooth as possible.

Dina and Jesse went back and forth about their lives in Jackson, all of you finding a common ground seeing as you were in the same age group, same town, and same fucked up apocalyptic world.

However, the entire time you felt your mind was blurring every word; Never fully paying attention because it wasn’t allowing you to hold concentration on small talk when you felt a massive amount of grief for the scenario you thought would happen tonight.

Ellie could tell things were off, despite your best efforts. She didn’t know how or why, but you were different somehow.

She would mentally scoff at herself for thinking such a thing when you were a new human to her mind, but then your lips would fall almost immediately after a, what appeared to be, dead smile grace your mouth. Or your eyes weren’t holding any sort of real emotion to them, almost as if you were going through a robotic set of motions that was covering the bare minimum when it came to social standards.

And that’s exactly what you were doing.

Now, it wasn’t that you were upset with having to share Ellie’s attention, it was more so the fact that you had dreamed too much about this evening and how it would go. You were mourning a night that you thought would go entirely different than it was currently.

If Ellie had just mentioned to you that her friends would also be there, it wouldn’t have made you feel this god awful. Sure, you would’ve felt a little disappointed, but at least you could’ve dreamed up thoughts that could’ve actually happened in this exact scenario. Instead, it felt like you were dreaming up a fairytale evening that had a surprise curve right smack dab in the middle of it.

At least you were able to admire Ellie in her lightly intoxicated state as all four of you emptied your third..maybe fourth drink of the night. Dina was nuzzled into her, what you assumed to be, partner, Jesse, as she rested her head on his shoulder, her back leaning onto his chest as his hand naturally rested on the side of her body.

“I think I’m going to head out,” Dina spoke drowsily as she let out a loud yawn, one that had Ellie laughing as she patted her friend on the back.

“Yeah me too..I think they close soon anyways.” As the last word gently slurred off of Ellie’s tongue, her eyes drifted from her friends to yours.

“Can I walk you home?”

All of a sudden you felt shy about having one on one time with the girl you were currently fond of, but you still nodded in agreement. “I’d like that.”

Even if you weren’t entirely sure if you did want that.

The four of you headed out the door once your tabs were paid. A harsh breeze was in the air, one that must’ve came in while you all were indoors. 

Dina & Jesse quickly said their goodbyes as they both clutched their jacket’s closer to their bodies to keep in as much of their body heat as possible.

“Fuck, it’s freezing,” Ellie mimicked her friends movements as she squeezed her body together as much as she could while her hands stuffed far down into the deep pockets of her jacket.

“Do you want my extra set of gloves”, you offered, noticing Ellie’s teeth beginning to chatter from the cold.

Immediately, Ellie closed her mouth, clenching her teeth together as hard as she could to disguise her discomfort, even though her skin felt like it was being pricked by a thousand little needles with each gust of the wind. 

No, Ellie was strong. Ellie didn’t need any help - at least that’s what she liked to tell herself. Appearing weak to you would make Ellie not strong in your view point, again, at least thats what she like to tell herself.

“’M fine.’

You laughed, reaching for the extra set of gloves in your pocket despite and grasping them in your already clothed hand, “Ya sure? You look kinda cold.”

“N-n-no, I’ve got it, thanks.” Ellie chattered as her thoughts scolded her body to just act fucking normal.

“Ellie, please.” Ellie looked up at you as you spoke, “just take them.”

Your tone was small yet stern, something Ellie didn’t mind from you as she nodded and took the extended gloves from your hand.

You watched as she unveiled her bare hands, the skin on them a burning red color that could barely grasp the material to begin with.

This made you chuckle in a quiet manner, yet still didn’t go unnoticed as Ellie slid the material over the palm of her hands.

“Something funny?”

You shook your head as you continued to watch the stubborn auburn haired girl struggle to get a simple winter essential onto her hand. “You always this stubborn?”

Ellie quirked up, noting the drastic difference in how you were acting inside the bar and now that you both were alone. Much more relaxed, silly, and not afraid to speak her mind. 

“Someones feeling better I see.” Ellie’s words dripped with a teasing nature, yet it made you feel so deeply self conscious that she was able to tell that you were not feeling like yourself.

You didn’t say anything despite Ethels prying eyes attempting to get a word out of you. Instead, the both of you simply started walking, and quickly, to your home that was just down the road.

“Did you have a good time tonight?”

Ellies voice was almost screeched as she attempted to talk over the wind and snow swirling around in the air. 

“What?!”, you yelled, getting a laugh out of Ellie as she smiled at you with thin eyes.

Suddenly, Ellie took ahold of your hand and nodded in the direction of the next building directly to the left of the walking path.

You didn’t question it, just allowed her to lead you to the front door of this mysterious location, until Ellie was twisting the key in the lock and dragging your body inside along with hers.

Ellie let your hand go so she could close and lock the door behind you before she started sifting the leather jacket off of her shoulders.

“Where are we?”, you spoke, your mouth agape with awe as you stared around at the unknown surroundings.

“My place.”

You were confused as you watched Ellie begin to shed off all of her winter gear near her front door.

“Why?”

“Why what?” Ellie questioned as she untied the laces on her boots and slid them off of her feet.

“Why am I at your place? I thought you were taking me home?”

Ellie glanced up at you, looking doe eyed. “I mean..I can if you want. I just wanted to talk to you and it’s hard with this weather.”

You didn’t nod, merely continued standing in your place with all of your winter clothing still on and your mouth slightly open. You hadn't truly moved since you’d gotten in the door and you weren’t sure if it was because you were cold, nervous, or...more nervous.

“Is this okay?”, Ellie questioned as she felt concern, regretting that she didn’t somehow scream louder above the wind in order to get consent from you about coming to her place.

“I’ll just take you home, I’m so-”

You panicked, watching Ellie anxiously and quickly begin to put her boots back on.

“No, it’s fine!”

This made Ellie pause and straighten her back out so she was back to standing tall.

“I just wasn’t expecting it is all, but this is fine.”

Ellie slightly smiled as she, once again, removed her untied shoe from her foot. “You sure?”

“Positive,” you slightly smiled, and this time it felt genuine.

With her back turned to you, Ellie smiled, having the urge to lift her fist in the air and shake it with enthusiasm, but she fought it off as she walked towards the chair at her desk.

“Help yourself to the couch.” Ellie nodded in the direction of the drearily colored piece of furniture as she watched you discard your gloves, coat, and boots.

Per Ellie’s suggestion, you made yourself at home on the couch, plopping down  with both of your knees bent and your sock clad feet comfortably resting on the same side of your body, creating a lounge position.

“So..”

“So,” Ellie chuckled in a mimicking, yet playful way.

You rolled your eyes jokingly, “So you bring me here and have nothing to say?”

“I didn’t say that.” Ellie shrugged, making you silently laugh.

“What do you want to talk about.”

Ellie shrugged again; you made a note of how she did that a lot.

“Just wanted to make sure you were okay is all,” she said with eyes settled on the floor and fingers picking at the cuticles on her hand.

You swallowed a lump of a saliva that was daring to get caught in your throat before you answered, “I’m fine”.

Ellie scoffed as she brought her eyes back up to you. “I don’t believe you.”

You found yourself following Ellie’s actions as you too shrugged and went  several seconds without saying a uttering a word to fill in the silence.

“I know..” Ellie started, but seemed to quickly retract her statement, hoping that you either didn't hear her or ignored her attempt at questioning you further.

“You know what?”

“Damn it”, Ellie thought.

Ellie took a deep breath as she began. “It just-you just seemed sort of off tonight. Wanted to make sure you were good and that if I did anything to make you feel uncomfortable I'm sorry or i-if Dina or Jesse did any-”

You smiled, watching Ellie full on word vomit, until you interrupted her.

“Ellie.”

She suddenly went quiet, eyes going wide in realization. “Sorry..I just want to make sure you're okay.”

Your lips pursed together as you wagered in your mind how to say what you were feeling or IF you should say exactly how you felt.

“Was it the bar? We can totally go somewhere else next time like tha-”

You started chuckling again; this time, Ellie got the hint and didn’t finish her sentence. Instead, her eyes watched you in observation.

“It wasn’t the bar and your friends didn’t do anything, I promise.”

Ellie felt a moment of relief for a second, until she realized you had never mentioned her. “Was it something I did?”

You began digging your top row of teeth into your bottom lip, still debating on what you wanted to say.

However, Ellie took the silence as your confirmation, “So it was something I did.”

“I mean,” you began, “Sort of.. but probably not in the way that you think.”

Ellie squinted her eyes as she hunched over, resting her elbows on the tops of her knees with her hands clasped together. “Tell me then.”

Her voice was almost pleading, something that made a tinge of guilt hit you. 

“I just thought that tonight...,” you paused in hesitation, but looked up at Ellie’s concentrated face, which instantly made you continue.

She didn’t deserve your lack of communication. She deserved the truth, especially when it was something she probably wasn’t even aware of.

“I thought that tonight was just going to be a me and you thing, but when I saw that your friends were there..”, your voice trailed off and immediately Ellie understood as she moved her face upwards, looking towards her paint chipped ceiling.

“You thought it was just going to be us”

You nodded in confirmation, “Yeah, I thought it would just be the two of us.”

Ellie felt like an asshole as she retraced yours and hers initial conversation when she had invited you out tonight. Not once did she say that her friends would be coming along; which made perfect sense that you had thought that it would just be the two of you hanging out.

“Damn it,” Ellie huffed at herself in frustration. “I’m so sorry,” she spoke in a stressed tone as her hands combed through her pinned back hair. “I totally get why you thought that it would just be me and you.”

You shook your head, “No it’s my fault too, I shouldn't have assumed it was a date.”

Ellies head suddenly quipped up at the mention, “A date?”

“Oh no,” you thought. But Ellie’s eyes were stuck on yours; you knew you couldn’t avoid conversation anymore than you already had.

“Yeah..a date.”

You watched as Ellie’s mouth turned up into an amused grin.

“So you came out tonight thinking that it would just be the two of us...and we were going on a date,” Ellie stated.

With a nod, you answered quietly. “Yeah.”

Suddenly, Ellie was standing up from her chair and walking over to you.

“Can I tell you something.” Ellie was now towering over your seated form, looking directly down at you as you nodded silently.

She sighed for a moment before continuing, “I wanted you to come hang out with me and my friends tonight so I could get the approval from them.”

“Approval?”, you thought with a crease digging deep in the middle of your forehead.

“What do you mean?”, you questioned, watching as Ellie pursed her mouth together, almost looking nervous to continue, but, just like you, she knew she couldn’t avoid this conversation any longer.

“I wanted to make sure they liked you before I properly asked you out.”

Ellie’s words came tumbling out at a faster speed than her usual speech pattern, so fast that you had to take a moment to properly take in exactly what she said.

“Wait, so you were going to ask me out?”

Ellie nodded as she watched your body stand up from it’s seated position- the both of you now standing directly in front of the other

“My friends are my family... and I wanted to make sure they got good vibes from  you before all the dating stuff.”

The small smile on your face only showed a fraction of the massive grin that you were fending off from consuming the entirety of your lips as your stomach did flips and your mind began being pumped with chemicals that were making you feel almost euphoric.

“Well?” Your tone was questioning, which made Ellie feel confused.

“Well what?”

“Did they like me?”

Ellies eyes gained a sparkle to them as she looked away from you briefly, trying to contain the smile that was now daring to spread along her mouth. 

“Yeah,” Ellie nodded, “Yeah, they really liked you.”

Your senses were flooded with the various emotions you were feeling in this very moment; relief, pride, joy, anticipation - it was as if you were able to finally breathe after going the entire night having to mask your disappointment that had now turned into every single synonym of the word ‘joy’. 

“Well..I'm free Sunday,” you said, the confidence Ellie enjoyed now pouring back out of you.

“I could come by your place after my route?”, Ellie suggested, a confident look on her face as she dared to move in even closer to you.

You nodded, your fingers absentmindedly playing with the hem of Ellie’s flannel, before you realized how close the both of you were; not to mention you were touching her as if you both had known each other for longer than 2 days.

“So, it’s a date?”

Ellie nodded, looking straight at you. “A date,” she stated in a matter-of-fact tone, ”and just the two of us, I promise.” ,she emphasized.

You chuckled, briefly peering down at your hands out of happiness and nerves all rolled into one; the energy between you both could be compared to teenagers experiencing puppy love for the first time. And whose to say you both weren’t.

“Thanks for the clarification Ellie,” you slightly taunted, but Ellie knew it was justified as she moved her tongue so it could be seen poking through the skin of her cheek.

“I’ll try to be better at that in the future,” Ellie responded with a boyish grin.

___

A/N: May do a part 2 if there is enough interest 👀

[flymetosnarryland]

I am miserable, lol 😵

Some time ago I started writing story for a comic. I drew couple pages, couple are wips and waiting for being finished. However, in the process of planning next events I found out that I want to do something more with it. The story slightly changed. A week ago I woke up with new idea for the part that was missing and the story turned a bit darker. I liked it.

Yesterday, after sleeping (for the first time for a long time, gosh) twelve hours, my brain decided to bless me and gave me that insane kick to write almost whole outline. I continued today but, imagine this, I am suffering after looking at the end result, lol. It's... what. the. fuck. I wanted this story to be angsty and bloody. Paritally I think I managed to do it, although there are parts that... I just can't cope with my brain, shite. There are moments which gives you the feeling of a comedy. Like... I mean... I just… I CAN'T THROW THEM AWAY. Just can't. It's so stupid. It's such a potato story. It supposed to be good written scenario and, you know, serious and all, but it's damn stupid. I like it and I don't like it. I feel like I should delete it and forget. This mix of trauma and bad shite sprinkled with fluff and episodes that makes me laugh is something that shouldn’t work together. But on the other hand... I never thought I will write something with "powerful" Harry. I like him being normal, you know, “just Harry” not the bloody (and I mean the real blood) Master of Death, whose life changed from one day to another and he is helpless and… sweet but tormented in a way? This is fucking ridiculous. I can’t. This story is a Frankenstein. Post-war, VampireAU by the way (because I always wanted – very discreetly – write something about freaking vampires, fuck). Last assignment evolved into weird shite.

I really feel like this pic right now:

Thank you, brain, very much.

[fandomfaeofveryfewf4cks]

Things I noticed the nth time watching Nimona:

Knight armour can get sliced through like nobody's business (Balister's arm), but can take a laser hit without serious, body-altering consequences (Director hitting Ambrosius with a laser made from the same one that apparently has the power to wipe out half the realm, or kill an Immortal being who doesn't feel severe pain from an arrow wound)?

...is this because Ambrosius' armour was made to be more protective than Balister's?

"She manipulated BOTH of us." Ambrosius says this about Nimona, who he had very few interactions with aside from her very blatantly fucking shit up for the institute. How did she manipulate HIM?

I guess it probably makes sense when you consider he was going to arrest the director, implying that he believed Bal AND Nimona, but I dunno. The little rat in my head started running on its brain-powering wheel at all the possible fanfic plots this could lead to.

Nimona as Ambrosius grabbed the Gloreth statue when they fell to the ground.

On the one hand, this could just be actor!Nimona putting dramatic emphasis on how even in death, the leaders of the realm will cling to their hopes and beliefs, or the golden boy finally getting to join his ancestor.

On the other hand, we could make it deliciously angsty (yum yum) and say it is Nimona's personal desire to grab the statue of Gloreth for reasons such as: taking down the monster-killer image of her former friend out of anger and sadness because she never wanted that image to be so true in representing one of the few people who ever cared about her even briefly;

OR, While trying to think about how she would act if she were actually dying, she reaches for the closest thing to a friend that she has, but this is her staging a false death, as that particular friendship was false so this is just fitting, isn't it?;

OR, They wanted it to spread a message that with the fall of the director, would come the fall of the corrupt system they live in, as well as the fall of this narrow-minded view of both Nimona and Gloreth's story as well as Gloreth and Nimona themselves.

Nimona freaking out about the arrow in their leg in the comic vs Nimona treating it like a little scrape not to be worried about in the movie.

This is really interesting to me. In the comic, it's played up for humor like Nimona is almost overreacting, then having Bal take care of her because he does care about her. This shows it as a bit silly, but so very meaningful.

Then you have the movie where Balister is freaking out and it's kind of funny because clearly Nimona is relatively fine about it, so he doesn't really need to make a big deal out of it. Then he helps her and is still very careful about it like with anyone else's arrow wound, and asks her questions so he can better understand them. Again so very important.

I love both versions of these scenes, I just am so curious about why they made such a drastic change.

I love this movie so freaking much. (I knew that already, but it bears saying for the thousandth time. It's just so fucking good.)

For this last one:

TW: mention of police brutality (discussed as a theme in the movie, nothing specific outside of the Nimona movie)

"He's got a weapon." It's not a weapon. It's a phone. But Todd (and who knows how many of the other knights) didn't choose to see it as anything other than what the director told him it was, and destroyed it as he was trained to do. This screams messaging about the stupid, dangerous, and harmful actions of too many police officers who don't check the situation for themselves before acting on "information" they gathered from insufficient data and/or unreliable sources, and combine that with profiling to make decisions that so often end up being harmful and even fatal to others.

[softstraykidshours]

Hi! May I ask for angst/fluff request about Chris comforting his reader-best friend/long time crush crying after something serious? And, like, reader suddenly blurting out "I love you", Chan is very much thunderstruck but uses all his tenderness to confess back? First kiss is optional, but it'd be perfect.^^ ...if you both are comfortable writing about traumas and such kind of things, of course.:)

bestie. when i tell you this request was literally everything. like my brain started coming up with ideas the second i read it. i am absolutely obsessed with any angsty content, but especially angsty chan so i had such a good time writing this and it ended up being very self-indulgent. i really hope you like it ! thank you soooo much for this absolutely brilliant request!!

<3 abbie & courtney

------------------------------------------

pairing: chan x gn!reader

genre: angst, fluff

word count: 2.2k

warning(s): panic attack, anxiety, insecurities, mild language, brief kissing

a knock sounds on the door of your apartment, but you don't even register it.

taking a gasping breath, you pull your knees even tighter to your chest, trying desperately to calm yourself, but another sob rips through you, robbing your lungs of air. you choke on it, head tipping back against the bathroom wall behind you. tears continue to run down your face in streams, your shirt already damp with them. you don't know how long you've been here, but it's been long enough that the bathroom is thick with steam from the running shower you never got into.

"hey! where are you? i brought pizza!" chris' voice breaks through the panicked haze clouding your senses. you blink a few times in an effort to refocus yourself while sniffling and trying to hold back the continued sobs you feel rising up your chest. but all you manage is a choked gasp before fresh sobs rack your body. 

"you in the shower?" you hear chris' voice again when he knocks on the bathroom door and you furiously wipe at your eyes, but you know it's futile. there's no hiding the mess you are right now and knowing chris is about to see it only adds to your panic. he's been through situations like this with you a few times over the years of your friendship and he's always been incredibly helpful and comforting, but that doesn't stop you from always trying to hide it from him. it makes you feel like a burden. this is your issue, it shouldn't be his to deal with. 

"well i'm coming in, so if you're not decent you better say something now or it's your fault that i see you nak--" his sentence cuts off as the door swings open and he sees you huddled on the floor against the wall. the playful grin on his face quickly fades into one of concern as he drops to his knees next to you. he immediately wraps his arms around you and pulls you to his chest, holding you tightly against him. 

another sob clogs your throat and his hand moves to start softly stroking your hair while he tightens his embrace further. "it's okay, just breathe. just focus on your breathing. i've got you now." 

he continues long after your sobs die down and your tears dry up, just holding you silently, letting his presence comfort you. finally, you pull away. his eyes scan your face quickly, giving you a once over to check that you are actually okay. 

"thank you," you whisper, offering a small, shy smile. 

"always," he says simply and the gentle smile on his face warms your heart even further. "do you wanna talk about it?" 

with anyone else you would immediately say no, you hate opening up about yourself. but this is chris. your best friend. the person who has been there for everything for the last seven years. so, instead you simply nod in response. 

"it's my mom." 

he gives you a knowing look before settling back against the wall next to you, his arm pressed against yours. his warmth melts into you and you lean your head against his shoulder as you start talking, telling him about everything that occurred between you and your mom leading up to your panic attack.

as you recount the events of the last week tears spring to your eyes and roll silently down your cheeks. you can feel yourself relive everything as you tell the story, but somehow you manage to remain calm the entire time, your best friend's presence stabilizing you in a way that nothing else ever could. you don't ever feel yourself slip back into the previous state of panic. not when you talk about the manipulation, or the lying, or the blatant gas-lighting, or even when you explain the phone call from your mom that triggered the panic attack in the first place. 

chris listens patiently the whole time, silently offering you the comfort and support he knows you need. when you finish your story the room goes silent for a moment before you hear him mumble a curse under his breath.

"i'm so sorry," he says, turning his head to look at you, "i'm sorry you're still dealing with all this shit from your mom. you don't deserve any of this. if there's anything i can do, literally anything, just say the word and i've got it."

your heart warms with how selfless and genuinely caring he always is and your lips tip up in a small smile. "thank you. really. thank you so much, i don't know what i would do without you." 

"the feeling's mutual." he smiles back at you before standing up and offering you his hand to pull you up off the floor. "okay, now, how about you rinse off in the shower and then we can eat some pizza and watch a movie. i got your favorite."

"that sound's perfect. but....do you think.... maybe," you pick at the skin around your nails nervously, staring at the ground between your feet. your words die off in your mouth and you shake your head, abandoning your request before you even make it. "nevermind."

"what is it?"

"it's nothing, just nevermind." you continue picking at your nails until chris' warm hand envelopes both of yours, gently stopping you. 

"what is it?" 

"it's just.... could you maybe.... yould you stay? like obviously not in here, but would you mind sitting just outside? and i'll leave the door open? that way i can still talk to and hear you?" you feel a blush rising up your cheeks from your embarrassment. aaying it out loud makes you feel even more stupid then when you just thought it in your head. he probably thinks it's pathetic that you can't even take a shower by yourself. 

"of course," he says immediately, "there's nothing i'd rather do." you sneak a glance at him, unsure if he is being genuine or just nice and find a soft smile on his face. he squeezes your hands gently. "really, i mean it." 

how does he do that? it's like he always knows exactly what you're thinking. 

he moves to the hall, sitting up against the wall right next to the door while you undress and get in the shower. he tells you all about his day while you scrub away the tears and sweat and snot from your breakdown. you don't respond to most of what he says, but he keeps on talking. he knows that what you need most in these situations is just to feel his presence, to know that he's there. so, you simply listen and let the comforting sounds of his familiar voice soothe you. 

you turn off the shower, dry off, and get dressed while he continues to talk about random nonsense and you lose yourself in thoughts of him. you don't know how you survived without him. he's the most genuine person you know and so caring and selfless. he always knows exactly what you need, sometimes even before you know yourself. and he's so funny, you don't think anyone has ever made you laugh quite as much as he can. and he's just the greatest person you have ever met.

god, i'm so in love with you. 

his words die off mid-sentence and you immediately realize what you accidentally just did. 

"shit. i said that out loud didn't i? i didn't mean to say that. shit, i'm so sorry, ummmm... just... just pretend you never heard that." you lean against the bathroom wall, burying your head in your hands as embarrassment and fear take over. a million thoughts start to race through your head as silence fills the air around you.

you never meant to say that out loud to him. yes, you've been in love with him for a while now, but you were never going to admit it. that would ruin your friendship. and chris' friendship means the world to you. today is just one of the many examples of why you don't think you could survive without him. but then you had to accidentally blurt out the one thing that could change all that. "chris, i'm so so sorry. i didn't mean to say that out loud, i just-" 

"you didn't mean to say it out loud, or you didn't mean to say it?" he cuts you off mid-sentence with an unexpected question that catches you completely off guard. 

"what?" 

"you didn't mean to say it out loud, or you didn't mean to say it?" he repeats himself, his voice much closer now. a moment later you feel him pulling your hands from face. the look in his eyes is intense in a way you've never seen before, as though your answer to his question is the most important thing he will ever hear. "which is it?" 

"well, i-" you cut yourself off, unsure of whether to take the safe route and lie or bare the truth while risking jeopardizing your friendship. your decision doesn't end up really mattering because chris continues before you can make up your mind. 

"because if you didn't mean to say it, i totally understand. it's been a long day full of a lot of emotions. all you have to do is say the word and we can just pretend it never happened."

even though you never meant to ever say those words aloud to him, the thought of taking them back now makes your heart ache. 

"but if you did mean them.... if you really, truly meant them," he pauses for a moment and you watch his throat roll as he swallows. you can feel a slight tremor in the hands holding your face and you don't think you've ever seen chris so nervous. you reach up and place your hand over his, squeezing gently. you do it not only to reassure him, but also to give yourself some confidence for what you say next. 

"i did."

the two words come out so quietly you're not sure if he'll even catch them. but when you hear him release a breath, you know he did. his hands slip down from your face to grip your waist, pulling you ever so slightly closer to him. 

"you have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that. because......i'm in love with you too. god, i've been in love with you for years. every time i ever made you laugh and i knew that broad, beautiful smile of yours was all for me, i fell harder. and every time i got to hold you in my arms while you cried and opened up about your darkest moments, i felt like the luckiest guy on earth." 

your heart is racing and your mind is spinning from the confession that just poured from him. for a moment you don't respond. you just blink. you take a breath. you take a second to soak in the fact that this is really happening and not just a dream. 

"i.... i don't know what to say.....i just can't believe that you've felt the same way all these years. i was so afraid to say anything because i was scared it would ruin our friendship." 

you watch as he tips his head back against the wall and lets out a pained laugh. "god, that's the exact reason i never said anything! i have been madly in love with you for so long, but the last seven years of friendship with you have been the best years of my life and i refused to give that up."

he pulls you even closer before reaching up and gently grasping your face again, one thumb softly brushing against your cheekbone. he leans in ever so slightly and you feel your heart jump into your throat. "i'm going to kiss you now because if i don't get to kiss you in the next five seconds after all these years of waiting i think i might die. so, if you don't want me to you better say something now or else--" 

"just kiss me chris"

the words have barely left your mouth before he closes the small space between you and presses his lips to yours. 

your mouths intertwine and you marvel at how soft his lips feel moving against yours. the kiss is new and exciting, something you've been waiting for. but it also feels familiar, as if you were always meant to be kissing him. 

after a few moments he gently pulls away and kisses your forehead before resting his own against it. a comfortable silence envelopes you both as you soak in what just happened. 

"did we really just have our first kiss in a bathroom?" you wonder aloud. chris chuckles softly in response and you feel his chest rumble against yours as he pulls you even closer. he wraps his arms tightly around your waist as he dips his head to whisper softly in your ear. 

"have i ever told you that i'm so in love with you."

[singswan-springswan]

Oooh if we're doing directors cut on your fics can we do Starsong won't apologize?

oh man, this one was a total psychic trip. I think I wrote most of it in a buzzed fugue state with my only thought being "don't kriff this up. the vibes must be PEAK"

going into this fic I knew that the tone had to be the driving force, since most of it was just Hera's introspection. I really wanted to communicate the way the music haunts her mind, but being a very rational and logical brain lady (read: scientist), her perspective produces some conflict with the fact that there are any vibes at all. She really wants to approach the situation from a clinical standpoint but the fact of the matter is that she's wayyy past any such reparations, and this is really frustrating for her.

Part of her needed to feel very detached for a number of reasons, one being her aforementioned resistance to supernatural explanations. However, I also wanted to utilize this feeling to add gravity to the fact that she's losing her mind. I did a lot of juxtaposing with simple wording coupled to profound metaphors and statements. A lot of the imagery was really flowery elegant and borderline nonsense too. I wanted the fic to feel very poetic while maintaining Hera's practical thoughts. That actually turned out to be much easier than expected.

One of my favorite relationship dynamics is for the characters to fall platonically in love before they fall romantically in love, and as a consequence dismiss their growing (or rampant) romantic feelings as ✨friendship✨. This is something I tried to incorporate where Kanan came in. Hera, despite being a very intelligent woman, is stupid. Fortunately for her, the current blender brain predicament overshadows any muddled feelings she has for her best friend, and all that remains is her deep unshakable trust in him. This was a really important dynamic to write into the context, given the danger of Kanan singing to Hera. If she didn't already love him and trust him the way she did, his siren song wouldn't fix her, and she would end up no more sane than before. Not to mention it just made for a really sweet (albeit slightly angsty) interaction.

my favorite line is probably:

All she knew really was that the music had melted in her bones like the prettiest kind of cancer, and if hearing Kanan’s voice took it away, the consequences of that cure couldn’t possibly be bad.

I'm particularly proud of the cancer bit. I wrote that and I was like "yoooo that's sick" and patted myself on the back. I felt like it gave the predicament a detached sort of awe while also revering it as something vile and unnatural and very very serious.

I think by the time I got to the part where Kanan actually starts singing, I was running out of writer inspiration juice and felt like I rushed the end. Looking back and rereading the fic tho I'm like nah that's a good ending. I'm always self-conscious about my endings being too abrupt or awkward. The last line is pretty fire.

my main thing was just communicate that "music" was only the best word to describe what was messing up Hera's head so bad, but totally did not offer a complete concept. The real deal was actually something beyond the mortal realm of comprehension, so complex and alien and cosmic that the human mind was physically incapable of comprehending it. I think I did a decent job pulling that off!

[heretherebedork]

Dear friend of mine, do you have any recs for shows that are long form, already completed, and a little dark? I'm not really feeling something light-hearted at the moment. Thank you ❤️

I gotta think about that a bit, let me go check on MDL. Also gonna tag @absolutebl because they are definitely better on the 'what is darkness' scale and knowledge than I am, lol.

I know you and am trying to find darkness that isn't cheating because there's a seriously dark and fucked up one of the the Philippines called Cheat that is about just that but is also SUPER dark and magic.

Long Time No See is a queer movie about, basically, two hitmen? Maybe not the darkest but definitely has a more serious and darker tone at points?

The Eclipse is one of the darkest BLs out of GMMTV which isn't saying much but, frankly, none of this is saying much? Sorry, darkness is not my best measure.

You might wanna try The Eighth Sense. It's much more realistic bits and hits of darkness but has a very good and hopeful ending... this is where I'm going with 'I dunno if this is darkness but it's serious'.

Honestly? A lot of War of Y might count for this? Not all of it, honestly, but a lot of it has darkness inherent and a lot of talk about how serious issues. But it's entirely, like, emotional darkness about being an actor so that might not count.

Sorry, darkness might be too general of a concept for me to really try to recommend stuff. I'm not super good at this. I've got a request for angsty recs in my inbox and I just haven't even begun to try to think because it's so general. (Sorry to that anon, my brain is not being super helpful right now. Two weeks to the end of the school year and hopefully working summer school will help me out on that front.)

I did come up with a chinese censored one that might be good for this but I'm not gonna recommend it unless you want it because, well, it is a censored bromance.

Anyway.

That's my best but it's not very good?

If you want absolute queer darker horror you go for He She It but I dunno if that's also darkness.

[saunteringvaguelydownwards]

🐛 🐛 🐛 Talking about WiPs, here's some little guys

Yes, more love for the works in progress! 🐛 Great WIP (go comment)

MCU - F I R E F L Y by SheDreamsByDay (tumblr?) There is so much going on in this fic, but here's the super CliffNotes version: set right after the end of the Hawkeye series, Kate is lonely, Yelena is out on missions, but they start chatting over the phone and become each other's anchor. They get together when Yelena gets back to town, and start trying to take down Red Room 2.0 with the help of Clint and fam, Yelena's parents, Natasha, Wanda, and Shuri. This one is so fucking intense y'all, and has eaten my brain in the best way. I pretty much mainlined the first 24 chapters in 3 days. I mentioned in a comment there that this is a stunning example of the quote "You’re in love with her, here’s the best part: she loves you more than her own life. Here’s the worst part: she loves you so much more than her own life." The things these two are willing to do for each, how far they'll go... There's drama, there's action, there's so much angst and trauma, it can get really dark in places, but the author is very good about putting warnings at the beginning of each chapter about what comes next. Updates regularly every Sunday, and the author replies to pretty much every single comment.

~

SG - Evil by @thingsanddreamsandstuff Metallo!Lena from the Mxy episode decides that Kara is to blame for her pain and suffering in life, so she hops dimensions to try to kill her. Kara decides that the best way to deal with this (and also the fact that her Lena isn't talking to her) is to go to Other Lena's prison cell in the DEO and become talking buddies. Very angsty, lots of great conversations in various configurations of Kara, Lena, Other Lena, Lex, and Alex. Like, some truly eviscerating lines that make you wince by proxy. According to the stats there's only one chapter to go, was last updated in May, and in the notes of the latest chapter she said the next/last chapter was already partially written, so maybe some comment love will help.

~

WN - can i get your house key? by @piratekane OMG THEY WERE ROOMMATES! Avatrice college AU where Ava comes crashing into Bea's life (literally) and decides to never leave. Bea's got serious issues thanks to her fucking parents, Ava is sweet but kinda oblivious, and once again these two have taken up residence in a pine forest. The chapters don't follow a strict linear progression, there's time jumps in between. It's more like a series of moments, until later when they're starting to get their shit together. Again, according to the stats there's only one chapter left, and was last updated a week ago, so very much an active WiP. Plus I think GK and I have been buddies since like LJ or something, so give my pal some love.

[chickenmetenders]

"Sometimes a family can be two men and the two guys they abducted."

Assorted headcanons for the MAMIYA DDD Family ending [spoilers abound!!]

Here's a compilation/archive of messages I posted in the MAMIYA fan Discord about a continuation of the Family ending in Keito's route. In my version, Ryou also gets taken into the family along with Osamu, Satoru, and Keito. I call them KORS for short.

This is absolutely not serious or angsty in anyway, because I was writing this as aftercare for Minato's route lmao. I've sorted through my many messages and did some reorganizing, so they're grouped by topic. (Bolded names: indicates a comment from a server member)

Keito's New Family!!

For the first two months of living together keito is terrified, but ryou being 7 gets over the whole thing in like one month. Like this is just his new normal

Keito starts getting over it (stockholm syndrome starts setting in) once he sees satoru teaching ryou how to make takoyaki

You know i think crab takoyaki could work. I dont like crab but crab meat isnt that far off from octopus

Even after Keito gets over the whole kidnapping thing, he still takes a while to acclimate to his new "family". Like satoru osamu and ryou get used to the family situation pretty quickly (because they are not close to their birth families) but keito is very close to his family so he has to grapple with the cognitive dissonance for a good while

By six months time, he's used to their living circumstances and has affection for the three of them, but in his mind theyre housemates, not family. Like when someone asks about keito's family, his mind still immediately goes to his parents

It probably takes a year or so for keito to finally think of them as his family

(Staring at the words i have written) this is not found family, this is forced family

Gizzia: It's found as in Satoru and Osamu found them and kept them Me: OSAMU DIDNT EVEN FIND HIM, KEITO WENT /TO/ HIM!!!

The Mamiyas

Idk how the family thing is going to go. Like theyre changing their legal last name to mamiya???

Scanning over japanese name change procedures and thinking maybe not<3 i think japanese bureaucracy might be worse than american

Maybe its possible that satoru adopts ryou and osamu into his family registry so everyone thinks theyre a gay couple with a child, but then theyd still be samejimas

(It would be better of them to be samejimas instead of arisugawas because satoru owns all the houses. Obviously)

And then keito would be. Well they can't adopt him too because keito's dad is literally satoru's boss

Samejima could fake keito's death and keep him away from his family? BUT I FEEL LIKE THEYD BE FOUND OUT PRETTY QUICKLY IF KEITO WAS LIVING WITH SATORU

Well maybe its a non-legally binding family where satoru and osamu are back to living together again, satoru has pulled strings to get ryou adopted by osamu, and then he twists keitos arm into moving in with them as roommates

(Or keito moves in of his own volition, with his main motivation being that hes SUPER CONCERNED ABOUT LEAVING RYOU IN THERE)

Satoru and Osamu

Would osamu and satoru still be fighting at this point. I think the years apart would have calmed them down a little

Instead of punching satoru, osamu just slaps his a-- you know what never mind. Actually i think they would just verbally argue but without much bite. Because theyre family now

Vaguely remembering that bit in arisus route where osamu was like "we were partners in crime and i was even thinking about asking her to marry me" well osamu you have a new mamiya who you have committed several crimes with so what will you do now.

[Editing note: I want it noted that my brain short-circuited when Satoru was like "I feel like a newly wed bride". why did he say that]

General KORS Family Fluff

Osamu is the one who picks ryou up from school most of the time because he works from home but the first time keito does it ryou is just so happy. Ryou thinks keito is the coolest

Satoru is the one who teaches ryou how to cook so when hes older ryou ends up with really weird culinary skills. He does not know how to fry an egg sunny side up but he can whip up hollandaise sauce like its nothing

Satoru starts ryou in some kind of martial arts class and osamu hates it because ryou keeps trying to show osamu his skills (ie punching him in the leg)

Keito is still playing in a college lacrosse club and the whole family comes to watch his games. When ryou cant see over the crowd (i dont know what lacrosse games look like sowwy) satoru puts him on his shoulders

Osamu and keito take turns reading ryou his bedtime stories. Sometimes when they both have time they both read to him. Osamu is really good at the evil monster voices and robot voices, and keito is better than him at doing female voices

Despite being shorter than keito, satoru cannot fit into his jackets and coats because his shoulders are just to broad. He can fit into some of osamus longer coats because osamu likes buying clothes a size or two too big. Few of their clothes are viable hand me downs for ryou because he grows up short

Wait. But maybe ryou would grow up to be taller in this scenario because keito makes sure he drinks his milk. So maybe he would fit in their clothes

Satoru's Parental Tendencies (& other adults in Ryou's life)

(Growing realization) i think after keito and ryou move out for work/college, satoru would have the worst empty nest syndrome imaginable

(Assuming osamu satoru or keito doesn't set their house on fire with everyone inside in five years time)

Satoru ends up like a clingy overbearing mother who gets really upset when keito wants to move out for his Vaguely Defined Future Career and only calms down once osamu is like "uhhh dude chill" and keito promises to facetime every day

(I just think this is really funny because keito has his own family who is alive and who he is on good terms with but his actual mom puts up way less of a fuss than satoru)

After that satoru starts redirecting all his attention and affection towards ryou and is just overall insufferable

Ryou: im thinking about going to kyoto for college Satoru: absolutely not you will choose a school in tokyo and you will live in this house

Satoru is the strict parent who is prone to hysterics and osamu is the laissez faire parent who has to console his wife (i am of course delusional). Its like a sitcom

Keito rounds off ryou's Trio of Adult Figures as the unconditionally supportive older brother so i think between the three of them, ryou grows up to be pretty okay??? As okay as you can be when youre a member of the Mamiya family ig

They all frequently go to dinner at the suou's too so ryou is decently close to keitos parents

New Car!!

Anyway. If they all moved in together, satoru would have to buy a new car

Now i think a honda accord would be a good car for a family of four, but it might be a bit cramped if two of them are over 6ft tall, so it might be better if they had an suv

And also satoru loves his foreign cars so he wouldn't buy honda anyway

Okay so the volkswagon touareg could be a good option because it is a luxury suv from germany. However pre 2006 this suv was REALLY big so i dont think it would fit very well in the streets of japan

Cheese: samejima also is really big and doenst fit well in the streets of japan

Suvs werent as big of a thing in 2003, so maybe satoru would go for a sedan anyway... If satoru's going to gravitate towards european luxury brands, then the mercedes benz s class would be perfect for him. Its about the same size as a honda accord

Phle: [the Mercedes Benz S Class was] like literally my old car, it was a 2003 model too

During my playthrough of DDD, the KORS family au helped keep me sane. I think it's a neat idea. i think if it actually happened (and Osamu and Satoru took Ryou in as well) they would've started murdering people within the year, but this isn't about that!! If I wanted insane angst, I would replay DDD Keito/Ryou.

I kind of want to write some sort of fic about this weird family... But after playing EX, my brain has contacted the natsumiya virus and I haven't been able to stop thinking about that. So we'll see lol. I might archive some of my AU twitter threads for that ship onto tumblr, too, because I'm pretty fond of what I wrote.

Wow, this is the first time I've made a post like this on tumblr since I left in 2019! Writing longform is pretty fun.

[jessebyron]

2023 Reading Wrap-Up

Big annual reading wrap up post!!! Here's my 2023 in reading:

I’ve attempted reading 50 books a few times since graduating college, but this year was the first time it actually stuck. In fact, I actually completed 53 titles! Since this is a tad longer than my previous wrap up posts, I’ll have the full list at the end up of this after some commentary.

Here’s some of the most impactful titles from 2023:

The first book I read this year gets a special mention. I read a good handful of sequential fiction this year, but Seance Tea Party was the most impactful. It might be the most impactful growing up story I’ve ever read.

Kings of Wyld: I think this is the most fun I’ve had with ‘high’ fantasy in a long time. A classic fantasy adventure delivered via the thinnest metaphor for an 80s hair metal band that ends up being one of the most heartfelt meditations on family, aging, legacy, and fatherhood that you’ll ever come across. Dirty, crass, hilarious, violent, and beautiful.

Veniss Underground: Yet another masterful fever dream from the man that, for me personally, defines the concepts of weird and experimental. Predating Vandermeer’s Annihilation, Veniss Underground is consuming exploration of story and form and while pushing us to the very edges of what makes a novel and what makes a person.

Hyperion: As anyone who knows me knows, I am a slut for stories about stories. I think this book was one of the smartest written science fiction books in my library. To read Hyperion is to begin exploring a few particular trailheads leading into literature, technology, conflict, and the human condition. I’ll definitely be exploring the rest of the Cantos in the years to come. (Be careful researching Simmons himself though. You will be disappointed.)

Shadow of the Torturer & The Claw of the Conciliator (the first two volumes of Gene Wolfe’s The Book of the New Sun): This was the most intellectually challenging of the things I read this year. It’s the first time I read something and then immediately watched multiple YouTube video essays just to grasp fully grasp. But, like a lot of the more challenging texts this year, it is so worth it. Will have to come back to these many times.

The Left Hand of Darkness: beautiful and challenging and enriching as well, this will also take multiple readings to begin to grok it.

The View from the Cheap Seats: Selected Nonfiction: necessary for any Neil Gaiman fan to read. It was awesome diving into how Neil sees the world, the stories he’s encountered, the experiences he’s had, and the insane amount interesting famous people he’s friends with.

The Fragile Threads of Power: less impactful and more just plain ol’ exciting, this was a brilliant return to world first introduced by Schwab’s Darker Shades.

Nostalgia Reads:

So You Want to be a Wizard: maybe the best alternative to Harry Potter. Beautiful and consistent world building that makes sense with stories and characters that invite us to explore who we are in the context of the greater world (and worlds!) around us. Reading the Young Wizards series in elementary school had a deep effect on me that still resonates to this day.

City of Bones: held up surprisingly well? Fun mythology and delightfully angsty characters.

A Wizard of Earthsea: hadn’t read this since senior year when I bought it with the money I won in a micro fiction writing contest, and it was so wonderful to revisit the archipelago.

The Collobaration: a powerful play that now contains one of my dream roles.

Certainly not the first time I’ve consumed The Sandman epic, but the audible versions were exquisite and brought the story to mw in a whole new way. Same thing with full cast audio version American Gods.

Most disturbing: Amygdalatropolis. Don’t read this. No, I’m serious. Not reading this book is an act of self care. You’ll only hurt your own feelings (and body and brain) if you read this book.

Second most disturbing: Tender is the Flesh. Reading this one is also harmful, but you should it.

Most disappointing: Paradise-1 by David Wellington. An interesting premise with a couple of fun bits of world building, it was ultimately defeated by a lack of internal unity and subpar editing.

The full list:

1. *Seance Tea Party by Reimina Yee

2. *Crushed by Don Zolidis

3. *Wiley and the Hairy Man by Susan Zeder

4. American Gods by Neil Gaiman (full cast audiobook)

5. Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman

6. *The City of Brass by S. A. Chakraborty

7. *Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo

8. *The Cartographers by Peng Shepherd

9. *Rogue Protocol by Martha Wells

10. *Exit Strategy by Martha Wells

11. *Paradise-1 by David Wellington

12. The Sandman: Act 1 (audible original)

13. The Homecoming by Harold Pinter

14. *Veniss Underground by Jeff Vandermeer

15. *Hyperion by Dan Simmons

16. *The Stranger by Albert Camus

17. *Treasure Island: The Adventures of Jim Hawkins adapted by James DeVita

18. The Sandman: Act 1 (audible original)

19. The Sandman: Act 2 (audible original)

20. The Sandman: Act 3 (audible original)

21. *Hellblazer: Rise + Fall by Taylor, Robertson, and Rodriguez

22. *Sandman Mystery Theatre Vol 1: The Tarantula by Matt Wagner, Guy Favis, and John Costanza

23. The Supernaturalist: The Graphic Novel

24. The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan

25. *Kings of the Wyld by Nicholas Eames

26. The Great Hunt by Robert Jordan

27. *Amygdalatropolis by B. R. Yeager

28. The Dragon Reborn by Robert Jordan*Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McQuire

29. *Down Among the Sticks and Bones by Seanan McQuire

30. *Beneath the Sugar Sky by Seanan McQuire

31. *Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein

32. *The View from the Cheap Seats: Selected Nonfiction by Neil Gaiman

33. *Shadow of the Torturer by Gene Wolfe

34. *Claw of the Conciliator by Gene Wolfe

35. *Peter Pan adapted by Douglas Irvine

36. Shadow Rising by Robert Jordan

37. So You Want to Be a Wizard by Diane Duane

38. *Tender is the Flesh by Augustine Bazterrica

39. *The Collaboration by Anthony McCarten

40. *The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. Le Guin

41. *The Fragile Threads of Power by V. E. Schwab

42. *Catch Me if You Can by Robert Thomas, adapted by Weinstock and Gilbert

43. City of Bones by Cassandra Claire

44. Jennifer scales and the ancient furnace by Mary Janice Davidson

45. *Why Religion? by Elaine Pagels

46. A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula K. Le Guin

47. *Bunny by Mona Awad

48. *Anya’s Ghost by Vera Brosgol

49. *Goblin Market and other Poems by Christina Rosetti

50. The Sandman: Endless Nights

51. *Dada Woof Papa Hot by Peter Parnell

52. *The Gospel According to Thomas Jefferson, Charles Dickens, and Count Leo Tolstoy: Discord by Scott Carter

53. *The Fork, the Witch, and the Worm by Christopher Paolini

Addendum for business: I will no longer be posting on the other three blogs (food, books, and tv/film) related) as it's too much for me to have it all divided up. This will now be my main/only blog

[alliumbunny]

Headcanon time I guess(TMNT 2012)

BECAUSE I'M TERRIBLY MISSING TMNT BUT I'M BURNT OUT OF WATCHING NETFLIX HEADCANONS FOR TMNT 2012

If any of these end of very very very canon you can blame netflix for not having 4/5 seasons so I don't know everything oopsie :3

I'll start with my favorite character since obviously I'm gonna have alot to say about him :)

Oh girlie this is gonna be long(I TYPE ALOT LOL)

Michelangelo, Mikey, The best boy!! :3 sunshine boy idk

He's very very VERY fond of bugs, He picks them up and smiles at them :) and sometimes eats but only when his brothers aren't around because they 100% yell at him everytime they see him eat the bugs because B U G S!! Listen what else are they gonna eat that technically has meat? There's not gonna be any chicken in the sewers... maybe... who knows... chickens are weird like that <3

AS SOON!!! As they got internet and stuff in the lair he learned EVERY SINGLE CUSS WORD ✨✨✨ He also learns very quickly how and when to use them etc etc because he finds them so funny, Also He ONLY uses them with villains and only when his brothers/family/friends aren't around!! He comes up with the weirdest crazy fuckin Insults and thinks they are SO funny <3 lol (... Projection maybe :3 )

He's PanRomanic Asexual, because He deserves to be alittle(ALOT) Fruity 💖 (Kinda projection but not really, I'm Pansexual so sorta close LOL)

Tends to learn how to use weapons REALLY fast, He finds it really fun and interesting to learn how to use his brothers weapons!!! :D

Reads ao3 fanfics, Doesn't write any but found out Leo writes them and loves reading his, Mikey's just so glad his Oldest Brother has something fun he likes to do that isn't really serious!!! :D

Doesn't like Horror Movies(To much gore for him normally) but fucking loves Psychological Horror. I was about the say he liked The Magnus archives, but it didn't start until 2016 lol. So Umm :3 He likes reading horror stories alot. (This is projection probably but hey, I think he would hehehe)

Forgets his own birthday almost every single year(Oops going angsty now beware >:3 ) He doesn't see his birthday as important as his brothers or even his fathers so his brain just forgets about it, He always remembers his brothers tho(this is paired with the headcanon that they choose different days in the same month so that they didn't have to have 4 different birthdays on the same day lol)

April gave them a notebook and Mikey sketches in it, he runs out of space and starts to draw in between every other drawing because he doesn't want to ask for another one... :')

HE PUTS STICKERS ON THAT NOTEBOOK!!!! they're not very good stickers but like, He's collected them for years, every time he found one that wasn't destroyed then he takes it >:3 His brothers know about his little stickers and leave any stickers they find in his room <3 :'D

believes in luckiness/unluckiness and that sorta, luck theory(I might be the only person who's thought of this So I'll explain it oops) Basically Mikey believes that if Something good happens to him the same amount of bad will also happen later on, and vise versa :3 He doesn't let it bother him but it's always in the back of his mind.

The last thing also plays a part in this one. Mikey doesn't like when something REALLY good happens to him. He 100% believes that something REALLY bad will happen to him sometime after, Normally it does tho so he's kinda valid for it :')

Loves Animals, All kinds, He doesn't technically have a favorite(Until ICK comes into his life and it becomes cats) He loves cows and dogs and bunnies(PROJECTION LOL) and fish and Frogs and birds and dinosaurs and erhjdkjgbhdfkjbndfkjnjdfns ALL OF THEM, He doesn't really have a least favorite tho :)

He finds soda really weird, He likes diet soda tho, for some Weird reason, If he were to ever go to a fast food place he'd do that thing where to put some of every drink choice in one cup >:) (That's projection kinda, I used to do that so much omg, not anymore tho sadge)

Likes legos and stuff like it :D he likes building things that have instructions, He likes looking at the finished product and smiling and holding it and just OvO

LOVES COLORS!!! His favorite color isn't orange surprisingly tho, Instead it's the colors of the sky(in the day and night!!)

Likes sunsets/sunrises alot

He likes sitting on building roofs and just looks at the sky... It's when he cries the most LOL

DEPRESSION ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (PROJECTION TO THE MAX) His room is messy and he can never get to cleaning it and it makes him sad and like, numb sorta lol

Has sleep issues lol <3 Insomnia but nobody knows <3 I'm lovin it but Mikey ain't ✨

Gets Auditory hallucinations every now and again. They spook him alot since they're normally of stuff breaking loudly

Can't stop moving ever and it's very endearing to me!!! Stims constantly when happy and it's really endearing to his brothers because that's how they now he's actually really happy to be there and hang out with them, He just loves them so much(in a sibling way of course, I swear it anyone thinks differently I will hit them with a chainsaw and eat their flesh!!!!) aka they also know when he's not happy because of it aswell tho.

He bites people when he wants to >:)

. . . Raph and Leo are tied for favorite brother...

Okay I should probably stop with the Mikey ones oopsie daisy :3

So Um!! Next lol!!

Leo... Leonardo <3 <3 LEO!!! :D

He is such a mother hen(Honestly that's canon oops) He has the second most Medical knowledge and uses it all the time (The first is Donnie)

He squints his eyes when he's confused or upset lol

He doesn't like crime but keeps accidentally doing it without thinking

Quotes space hero's and Raph and Donnie are sick of it, Mikey quotes it with him but isn't as good at remembering the quotes lol

Likes the stars and star gazes whenever he can :D

watches videos about space!!!!!! He rambles to His brothers(Mostly mikey) about space facts til he runs out and gets new ones and goes through the same thing!!! It makes him so happy!!!!!!!!!

Likes gum, like minty gum!!!! He finds it fun to chew lol

cries in his room alone, silently at night....

Okie doki Leo is hard to think of :( Umm so NEXT :D Raph!! Raphael!! Yippeeee

When He's confused his eyes go all wide and shit >:3

Surprisingly likes calmer music that's softer and shit y'know? :)

Hates the velvet texture...

Has a calendar in his room that's been on February(20XX idk) for years probably

God raph is also hard to do...

Okay okay next!!

Donnie, donatello....

I wish I could headcanon him out of liking april. /hj

STARES AT PEOPLE for ALONG time, without realizing

Collects blankets that are textures that he likes. He just... has a pile of blankets :)

Donatello isn't my favorite if you can't tell ._.'

OKAY I KNOW IT WAS MOSTLY MIKEY!! BUT HE'S MY FAVORITE OKAY JFBKJDSBKJSDGNJKDFNGJLNDFJL

I tried my best with the others :3

I only did the brothers cause... Idk I didn't wanna do the others, k :3

I hope there's no spelling mistakes but know me there is oopsie ;3 lol

I guess... bye then? Idk

[breakaway71]

20 questions writer meme!

Tagged by @galauvant, thank you bb! Retrospectives like this always give me the best kind of nostalgia about my writing, and I could use that right now, in the middle of some heavy projects. <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 242

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 1,200,157

3. What fandoms do you write for? Currently? Julie and the Phantoms, Back to the Future, and Stranger Things are the biggies. I also always include Supernatural, because one way or another it always drags me back in unexpectedly.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Say it Sweet (Teen Wolf, Derek/Stiles, truth serum)

2. Give All My Secrets Away (Supernatural, Dean/Castiel, hurt/comfort, wing!fic but not in the way you expect)

3. All That's Best of Dark and Bright (Teen Wolf, Dere/Stiless, trans MTF Stiles and falling in love and rescues and ~feels)

4. Family Matters (Julie and the Phantoms, gen, Ray accidentally adopts the whole ghost band and Reggie in particular and some stuff happens, idk, lots of good dad stuff)

5. Ad Astra Per Tentaculum (Teen Wolf, Derek/Stiles, space AU, Stiles is an alien. With tentacles.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I try really hard, but often fail. Not because I don't appreciate my readers, I do, so much, but it often feels like social interaction in my brain, and some days, that's a lot harder than others. It really comes down to how many spoons I have. I have better luck with new fics, and even then, it's a real toss-up if I manage. *hides face in shame*

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Oh. Hmm. I don't write a lot of angsty endings, honestly, but probably all those things i didn't say. Supernatural Dean & Sam gen fic, and it's. I mean, it's major character death, but in a weird way, and the ending...okay, yeah, it's a lot, but it was also meant to be hopeful?

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Basically everything lol. No, really, I love me a happy ending, if I tried to pick, we'd be here all day. I guess one of my more recent(ish) ones I have a serious soft spot for is the 88 mph (take off, last stop) verse (Julie and the Phantoms band-as-family time travel gen fic) - the ending of the main story itself is pretty damn fluffy and happy, but the timestamps kind of add to the feeling. :)

8. Do you get hate on fics? I've been very lucky that in a couple solid decades of writing fanfiction, I've only ever gotten a small handful of negative comments. And maybe only one or two I would consider actually hateful.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Rarely, these days. I did so a lot more before I realized I was deeply ace. Sometimes I still indulge, but the mood of a story has to fit just right for me to go there. As for what kind, I mean, I've hit a lot of bullet points lol, but overall it tends to be more about ~emotions than the actual smut itself.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? CROSSOVERS ARE MY WHOLE ENTIRE JAM, seriously, I live for them, the crazier I can write and make work in a way that makes people screech about me using black magic, the happier I am. Probably the one I'd consider "craziest" in terms of HOW DID THESE TWO FANDOMS WORK TOGETHER THEY ABSOLUTELY HOULD NOT HAVE WORKED TOGETHER was Good Dreams, Sweet Prince - a Julie and the Phantoms/The Sandman crossover, canon-compliant to both universes, where Reggie is Dream's son. (It's also probably one of the crossovers I'm most proud of, honestly.)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not any I'm aware of

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? I've been asked many times, but it was never something I was comfortable with. There's a level of trust you have to have, not being able to be sure that a translation is true to the spirit of the fic, and it's a level of control I've never quite been able to give up. I feel bad about it, honestly, because I'd love more people to have access to my work. Maybe someday I'll get past my brain stuff about it.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? No(t yet)

14. What's your all-time favorite ship? This question is deeply unfair and I rebel, I have too many I love with every piece of my heart, too many I've never been able to give up even when my fandoms have shifted and changed. I can't even pick an all-time favorite just for Supernatural!

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? There are a lot of them, unfortunately, but I'll probably say my Julie and the Phantoms/Voltron Reggie/Keith crossover fic for sure. It was something I started at the height of my love for both fandoms, but the ideas got way too big for me at the time. Then I lost the fic notebook with most of my outlines and notes for it, and that was kind of the nail in the coffin.

16. What are your writing strengths? Overall, I think my ability to get into a character's head and really nail the characterization. (Which is not to say it's always perfectly true to canon - I've taken a lot of liberties with Reggie, for example, because the show didn't give us a lot to work with besides "comic relief". But I at least know when something I write is veering a little too far from canon to be believable anymore.)

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Action scenes, for sure. And plot. Most of my fics are just ~vibes where plot occasionally creeps in. Sometimes it works and comes together surprisingly well, sometimes it's just ~vibes right through the bitter end lol.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I will do so very sparingly, but it's not something I generally trust myself to do well.

19. First fandom you wrote for? Pokemon, although Harry Potter was the first fandom I ever finished anything for. (Sadly (or, well, not) none of those stories exist on the interwebs anymore, they were all on older sites/forums that either no longer exist or went through a few too many purges. I still have a few of them fics in theory, but they're on floppy or zip discs I can't access, and most were written in programs that don't exist anymore.)

20. Favorite fic you've written? Oh hell. My answer to this changes with the tide, honestly, but one of my most favorites is my Detention trilogy. Dean/Gabriel, student/teacher AU. I think a lot of people were scared to read it because, well, teacher/student (not to mention an unpopular ship), but I worked damn hard to balance a very fine line with that fic, and I was so proud of how it turned out.

Tagging @ladyeternal178, @bananakarenina, @zubenpics, and anyone else who sees this and wants to participate in the fun!