#Leonard the fat man

[tiredarts-main]

fat dog at my dad’s place

[jim-kirks-bubble-butt]

star trek tos cuntiness ranking

for context i am 4 episodes into season 2

Spock- should come as a surprise to no one. i knew it from the moment he raised his eyebrow. and from his eyeshadow. my number one cunt.

Uhura- who else can pull off bright green hoop earrings and a red longsleeved minidress? no one (except for spock). did you see her in the mirrorverse episode? motherload of cunt.

Bones- eyebrow raise once again. always on the bridge for no reason. also he’s a doctor. incredible amount of grumpiness in the most sassy old man way ever. call him dr. leonard mccunt.

Chekov- only seen him in 3 episodes but he came out swinging. backtalks everyone. including any omnipotent beings he comes across. chekov’s gun? no. chekov’s cunt.

Kirk- could be cuntier but it is understandable when you see who he’s up against. throws himself against any and all enemies despite having a stun gun. tits always out. ass fat. james t. cunt.

Chapel- could serve more, understandable that she does not. she is a woman with a job. crushing on a gay man when uhura is right there. however she gets points for being a space nurse and having a full face of makeup the whole time. i’d say an average amount of cunt.

Sulu- a difficult decision, but he gets points for his eyeshadow. it’s not as much his lack of cunt as much as how much cuntiness everyone around him exudes. goofy lil’ guy. like to fence shirtless down the hall. also an average amount of cunt. basically tied with chapel.

Scotty- i’m sorry scotty truthers i love him dearly. unfortunately he is more wet cat man than cunt serving king. in love with his ship. getaway driver for the landing party. slightly less than average amount of cunt.

thank you for your time and consideration.

[the-soliloquies-of-sadists]

#380

“Boy, that took you long enough.  Did it come out clear three times in a row?...  Good.  I don’t want no fag mud on my hog.  I will beat the shit out of you if I go to fuck you and you ain’t clean.  And it won’t be the fun kind of beating the shit out of you.  It will be your responsibility to keep your hole clean.  You understand?

“…You seem to be taken aback by what I’m saying, or when I told you to go clean out not one hour after we first met.  Look, I’m 63 years old, I don’t have the patience for beating around the bush.  I’m blunt.

“When Leonard assigned you to train with me, he knew that I only train faggots.  I know him, and he would not have brought up my name as a seasoned trainer unless he told you that I’m a fag fucker.  For the next 11 weeks, you will be the fag I mostly fuck.

“What did he tell you about me?...  That I have been ‘A truck driver for forty years and that I’m a total top.’  Ok.  Did he also tell you I have a fat sausage?  He probably did; I use his cunt from time to time, and he loved to brag to the other fags that he can take me.

“Oh finally, that car is pulling out of here…. 

“Strip….  I said ‘Strip.’  Now listen here you little faggot.  I don’t know what you thought was going to happen between us, but that’s my rig.  My rig!  It’s not the company’s.  I create the rules.  They are not negotiable.  At the end of the eleven weeks, you will be a damned good truck driver and well trained cum dump.

“Look you can see a mile up the road.  Not much on the road right now, we have plenty of advanced notice if someone should approach let alone pull off.  Now strip.

“Faggot, you are going to learn very fast that I think about sex just about all the time….  Wait, let me guess, you don’t like being called a ‘faggot?’  For fuck’s sake.  OK, I won’t call you Faggot.  Does that make you feel better… Cunt?

“Cunt you will leave this pecker alone.  Now turn around and show me that cleaned out cunt.  Whew!  That hole sure is pretty.  That prettiness won’t last a minute.  Spread your legs and put your fingertips on the asphalt.  Your master is coming in.

“One thing you will learn is, I love to fuck.  When I’m waiting for a load to be unloaded, I fuck.  When I have to refuel, I fuck.  When I am driving, I’m thinking about fucking.  I always have a small bottle of lube in my pocket for times like this.  Now hold still.  I’m going right to the root, and I expect you to scream your fucking head off.

“I love fucking a naked cunt outside in the middle of the day, especially far from anyone to hear the screams.  Now scream!  Oh hell yes.  Scream motherfucker.  You don’t want to hurt, then accommodate me!  Your focus in on my cock, always.  Always.  When we are driving across the country and you are tied up to the bunk with your cunt facing the front, your focus is on my cock.  When I am asleep and you are driving naked with a large butt plug in your cunt, your focus is on my cock.  When I bring you to a cruise spot and have anonymous men use your cunt, your focus is on my cock.  When I am taking a belt to your ass, your focus is on my cock.  When I bring you back to my home in Minnesota and install you under my rimseat, your focus in on my shithole first and then on my cock.

“You got all that?...  Cunt!  I don’t give a shit how much pain my dick is inflicting.  If I did care, the answer would probably be ‘Not enough.’  Don’t worry, after a day or two, you will be stretched out enough so that this is not that much of a struggle.  Hell, I already feel your cunt relax to accept me now. 

“This is your life for the next eleven weeks.  This is why you will be douching out daily.  I’m also going to control what you eat, that’ll make the clean out process easier.  It’s going to be pretty much non-stop butt fucking for you, with some blow jobs and ass eating to break up the monotony. 

“…What was that?...  You don’t eat ass?  You don’t want to stick your tongue where another man shits?  Believe me, I understand.  That’s why I don’t do it.  And when you get your own rig, you won’t have to. 

“Don’t you dare try to stand up when I am fucking you in this position.  Yes it’s an uncomfortable position.  I want it that way.  I said, don’t stand up.  In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t give a shit what you want or don’t want. 

“You keep up this idea that your opinion matters, I will give a shit….  Literally!  I am not into that scene, but I will totally shit in your mouth to get you to understand that your opinion is as useless to me as your pecker. 

“You know what?  Stand up.  Look at me….  Look at me Cunt.  Yeah, face slaps are my thing too. 

“I’m ready to end this now if you want.  I will walk back to my rig, and I will leave you standing naked in this lot.  You want to stay with me, you agree to do what I say when I say it.  No asking not to do anything.  And what I will give you is free driver training, free lodging, I’ll pay for your food, all the expenses along the way, and finally and most importantly all the sex you ever wanted from men like me. 

“I know where the active cruise spots are.  I have driver contacts across the country that like to fuck faggots like you.  I know where the last remaining truck stops that still have communal showers.  You’ll definitely get gang banged there.  There are some other places, like this biker roadhouse where faggots get used.  That’s only the beginning.  Summer is approaching, and the fag fuckers come out to play in a big way.

“This is the only time I will make you this choice.  You want me to leave you here or do you want to be transformed into a cum-guzzling and ass eating cunt, one that can drive a truck?

“…What was that?...  That’s as I thought.  But don’t call me ‘Sir’ as you haven’t earned the right to.  You are to refer me as ‘Master.’  Once you establish yourself with me, without future problems, I’ll let you call me ‘Sir.’  And if you do a real good job, after the end of the eleven weeks, I might let you address me as ‘Dad.’

“Ok get on your knees and suck your ass juices off my cock.  Don’t think.  Just do.  Stick it in your mouth.

“Atta boy.  You are taking your first step on the right path.

“I plan on taking you there tonight, to that biker roadhouse.  They require all faggots to be locked up in a chastity cage.  They have a guy there that will fit you with one exactly to my specifications.  You’ll wear it for your duration with me. 

“I will pay for your entrance.  They charge faggots to be used by them.  Faggots from all over the area arrive, pay, and get stripped.  They are secured in one of several stations for the night.  There’s one that is bent over to lick boots all night.  Another is on urinal duty.  There’s a glory hole station and a rimming station.  There’s a full toilet station.  Piss me off again, and you might be secured in there.  And they have ways of making the faggots comply. 

“Get up and get back into position with your fingertips on the asphalt….  There you go.  Fuuuuuck…  Cunt, your cunt feels so good.  You’re not screaming this time.  Good.

“For you, I was going to have you installed at the glory hole station.  I’m going to switch it up to the ass eating one, get you under one of their rimseats.  There’s this one that your lay down on a small platform in one room, and you scoot your head through a hole in the wall.  Your head comes out into the bar area under what they call ‘The Throne.’  Your legs are lifted up, spread, and secured to the wall, leaving your cunt open for any type of pussy play.  That’s sometimes reserved by faggots weeks if not months ahead. 

“I’ll contact the owner and the man that likes to sit on the Throne for hours on end.  He’ll let me know if it’s available.  Regardless, you will be installed at one station through the night.  I’ll use you early on, but I’ll go back to the rig to spend my down time. 

“The thought of that is really getting me going.  Can you feel my cock getting thicker?  It loves it with thoughts of faggots used in a way that god intended.

“We have about some time before we need to get rolling.  Now that you know what the next three months will look like, I’m going to enjoy my new accommodating cunt for a bit.  Try to hold your position.”

[asexual-shelly]

In honor of lesbian visibility week, I present a full list of female characters from Total Drama who have canonically shown no attraction to men! (as far as I'm aware)

Staci - Only present for one episode and only spoke for one episode, having no lines in the finale. None of these lines hint at Staci displaying any interest in men.

Dawn - The closest thing I could find was the "I didn't know you were a beetle whisperer!" scene, but even then, that could easily be read as platonic. Svetlana - Similar case to Staci in that her lines are pretty limited due to being actively suppressed by Mike or Mal. However she has not, in fact, said anything that hints at her liking men in those few lines.

Sammy & Amy - Other than that one "Topher thinks you're fat" line of dialogue (which could easily be played off as Amy trying to mess with her), neither of them have shown any on-screen interest in men.

Scarlett - The only extensive interaction she has with men are Max, whom she DESPISES, and their alliance is only romantically framed for the sake of a gag.

Sugar - Nothing in canon hints at her liking men. She admires Leonard, but this is most likely due to his perceived magical abilities rather than any sort of attraction as she displays a similar interest in Max later on.

Tammy - Similar case to Staci, she only had a very brief speaking role in episode 1 and never in these lines was it implied she was attracted to men.

Mary & Ellody - Only here for a short time (with Mary only having dialogue in the episode she was eliminated in rip), but neither of them express interest in guys.

Laurie & Miles - Same deal as Mary and Ellody, they go pretty early overall but haven't been shown to like men.

Jen - You'd expect someone of her character archetype to mention looking for 'cute guys' or something similar, but surprisingly no? The closest thing she has would be her friendship with Tom, which is treated as 100% platonic by the show even if you don't take into account the fact that Tom is gay.

Taylor - Another surprising one imo, it's never stated or implied that she likes guys in the show, not even a passing mention from what I've seen which I could've sworn happened on first watch. Mandela effect I guess 🤷

Josee - Similar deal to Jen as far as I'm aware, being that her closest relationship to a guy is with a gay man and treated as platonic throughout the race.

Sanders - Pretty clear-cut, no scenes of her expressing interest in men or romance in general.

MacArthur - "What about Brody?" The only time she's shown to return his affection is during the finale and she's actively trying to throw him off his game by using his crush against him. She only asks Brody to call her in the Surfers ending, which she doesn't do at all in the Cadets ending implying that she's most likely only in it for the money.

Scary Girl/Lauren - While she does hold an interest in Damien, nothing in canon says she's attracted to him, only to the sound of his screams.

Nichelle - Too busy having no lines to talk about boys. seethingwithrage

Millie - Zero attraction to men in canon, the most interactions she has are with and about Priya. She's sorta friendly with Damien, but it doesn't rise anywhere above platonic (probably because she shoved him into a meat grinder but who knows) and actively seems to be disgusted by or otherwise pretty averse to most of the male cast.

MK - Has never been shown to be interested in guys or even romance in general. In fact, she actively seems to dislike it as seen in the episode where Caleb and Priya kiss where she goes “Yeah, that was sweet, but it’s also how you get mono” (this is ace mk propaganda btw). There was also Nichelle's intro in season 1 when she was looking at her starry-eyed, clearly a joke but yk still noteworthy.

Julia - My favorite lesbian <3 zero attraction or hints at attraction to men in canon + listen... we all watched season 2 you know what I'm talking about don't lie. The closest things she has to romantic interactions with men in canon are at most one-sided and always with her actively disliking said man on the other side (Wayne + maybe Ripper in season 1).

[lolahauri]

✎ Introduction ⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

Requests are always open, and you can send as many as you want, as detailed as you want! I just get to them whenever i can/feel like it.

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Other Accounts: @lolas-favfics @lolamultifandom @lolahaurisfw @chowderpop @lolaloa777

AO3: Here

BlueSky: Here

Get To Know Me: Here

Boundaries: Flirting, nicknames, tmi, spam are all okay.😛Just don't copy or repost my stuff. Translations or taking inspo is fine w cred. <3

-> MASTERLIST <- -> EVENT MASTERLIST <-

DNI: MAP, ZOO, Pro-Para, Pro-Ana, TERF, Zionist, Bigots, Minors!!!, Discourse Blogs. ❤️🖤🤍💚

Things I Won't Write: ❌

Sex Crimes of Any Kind, Super Violent/Xtreme Kinks, Inflation, Feederism, Abuse, Puke, Shit, DDLG, Age Play, Raceplay, Wound Fucking, Gore, Vore, Misgendering/Detrans, CBT, Sounding, Fisting, Gunplay, Drugging, Stepcest etc...

First Person POV.

Things I Will Write: ✔️

Genderbent Characters, Mild Yandere, Daddy/Mommy Kink, Cheating, Mild BDSM, CNC, Dubcon, Monsters, Hybrids, Sex Pollen, Legal Age Gap, Power Imbalance (Prof/Student, Boss/Employee), Feet, Armpits, Piss, Breeding, Mild Blood/Knifeplay, Cock Warming, Dry Humping, Voyeur, Public Sex, Orgy, 3somes, Sex Toys, Overstim, Edging, etc... etc... :P

Trans Reader, Tall/Short Reader, Chubby/Curvy/Fat/Buff Reader, Other Specific Characteristics. ✔️

Ch x Ch / Ch x Reader / Ch x OC / OC x Reader / Poly Ships of any kind.

F/F, M/M, F/M, GN/F, GN/M, Poly Ships of any kind.

Now that that's out of the way, here's the list of fandoms and characters i'm familiar with and will happily take requests on!

Adventure Time/Fiona & Cake: PB, Marceline, Marshall Lee, Winter King, Candy Queen, Simon, Ice King, Fiona.

Attack On Titan: Armin, Eren, Mikasa, Sasha, Levi, Hanji, Annie, Historia, Reiner, Erwin, Ymir. 

Avatar: Jake, Neytiri.

Batman Begins Trilogy: Batman, Catwoman, Bane, Joker, Scarecrow.

Beauty & The Beast: Belle, Beast/Adam, Gaston.

Bee & Puppycat: Bee, Deckard, Cass, Toast.

BigBang Theory: Raj, Leonard, Penny, Amy.

Black Dynamite: Honeybee, Black Dynamite.

BNA: Michiru, Shirou.

Bob’s Burgers: Bob, Linda.

Breaking Bad: Jesse, Skylar.

Call of Duty: Konig, Ghost, Mace, Keegan, Krueger, Valeria, Farah.

Creepypasta: Jeff, Jane, Ben, Toby, EJ, LJ, Slenderman, Splendorman, Clockwork, Kate, Masky, Hoodie,

Desperate Housewives: Bree, Gabi, Edie, Lynette, Carlos, John.

Dirty Dancing: Johnny, Baby.

Earth Girls Are Easy: Mac, Zeebo, Wiploc, Valerie.

Elemental: Wade, Ember.

Encanto: Isabela, Bruno, Dolores, Julieta.

FNAF Movie: Vanessa, Mike, William/Steve.

Frozen: Elsa, Anna, Kristoff.

Futurama: Leela, Fry, Amy, Bender.

Good Pizza, Great Pizza: Alicante, Octavia, Dr. Keh, Nasir, Flash, Cicero, Kimmy Slice, Dr. Price.

Grandma's Boy: J.P, Samantha.

Gravity Falls: Ford, Stan, Soos, Melody, Giffany, Bill.

Jane The Virgin: Jane, Michael, Petra, Luisa, Rose, Rogelio, Xiomara.

Jurassic Park (1993): Ian Malcolm, Ellie Sattler.

Jujutsu Kaisen: Gojo, Choso, Nanami, Sukuna, Toji, Shoko, Geto, Yaga Masamichi, Utahime, Uraume.

King of the Hill: Hank, Peggy, Luane, Nancy, Dale, Khan, Min, John Redcorn.

Lisa Frankenstein: Lisa, Creature, Taffy.

Little Mermaid (2022): Ariel, Eric.

MHA: Dabi, Hawks, Aizawa, Shigaraki.

Miller's Girl: Cairo, Johnathon.

Moon Knight: Moon System, Layla, Khonshu.

Mulan: Mulan, Li Shang.

National Treasure: Benjamin, Riley.

Nintendo: Link, Zelda, Peach, Daisy, Rosalina, Luigi, Bowser, Waluigi.

Norbit: Rasputia, Norbit.

Princess & The Frog: Tiana, Lottie, Naveen, Shadow Man.

Ratatouille: Colette, Linguini. 

Regular Show: Mordecai, Margret, Eileen, CJ, Benson.

Resident Evil: Karl Heisenberg, Carlos Oiliveria, Lady Dimitrescu.

Rick and Morty: Rick, Jerry, Beth, Doofus Rick.

Riverdale: FP Jones, Hiram.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: Kim, Ramona, Gideon, Wallace.

Scream 5: Amber, Tara, Sam.

Serial Mom: Chip, Beverly.

Silverado: Slick, Rae, Mal, Paden.

Shallow Hal: Rosemary, Hal.

Shameless: Lip, Fiona, Kev, V.

SheRa (2018): All Adults.

Sherlock (2010): Sherlock, John Watson.

Slashers & DBD: Brahms, Ghostface, Michael Myers, Jason Vorhees, Pyramid Head, The Spirit, Huntress, Trapper, Wraith, Trickster, Pearl, Jennifer Check, Stu Matcher, Billy Loomis, Tiffany Valentine, Patrick Bateman, Thomas Hewitt, Vincent Sinclair, Eric Draven, The Artist, Amanda Young.

Spiderverse: Miguel, Jessica Drew.

Spongebob: Dennis, Man Ray.

Squid Games: Gi-Hun, Sae-Byeok, Ali, Sang Woo.

Steven Universe: Garnet, Amethyst, Peridot, Lapis, Jasper, Blue Diamond, Rose, Greg.

Stardew Valley: All Adult Humans (Except George & Evelyn)

Stranger Things: Robin, Billy Eddie, Chrissy, Hopper.

Supernatural: Sam, Dean, Castiel.

Super Store: Amy, Jonah, Dina, Garrett, Cheyenne.

Tangled: Flynn, Rapunzel, Mother Gothell.

The Batman (2022): Batman, Riddler.

The Breakfast Club: John Bender, Allison Reynolds.

The Nanny: C.C, Fran, Maxwell.

Total Drama Island: S1 Contestants, Chris, Chef, Blainley.

Triple Frontier: Frankie, Santiago.

Turning Red: Ming Lee, Jin Lee.

Twilight: Edward, Carlisle, Alice, Charlie.

YOU: Beck, Joe, Peach, Love.

Young Sheldon: Mary, Connie.

~

Abel Morales (A Most Violent Year)

Astarion (Baulder’s Gate 3)

Babbo Natale (Violent Night)

Barbie (Barbie 2023)

Basil Stitt (Lightning Face)

Beverly Goldberg (The Goldbergs)

Bruce (Beyond Therapy)

Charles Ingalls (Little House on the Praire)

Charlie Dompler (Smiling Friends)

Chel (Road to El Dorado)

Dale Kobble (Longlegs)

Dan Conner (Rosanne)

David Levinson (Independence Day)

Din Djarin (The Mandalorian)

Doug Remer (Baseketball)

Duke Leto Atreides (Dune)

Fezzik (Princess Bride)

Francine (American Dad)

Fujimoto (Ponyo)

Georgia Miller (Ginny & Georgia)

Jack Harrison (Translyvania 6-5000)

Jackson Rippner (Red Eye)

Jon Arbuckle (Garfield 2024)

John Doe (John Doe Game)

Jonathan Levy (Scenes from a Marriage)

John Wick (John Wick 4)

King Baldwin (Kingdom of Heaven)

Kitten (Breakfast on Pluto)

Laurent LeClaire (In Secret)

Linda Gunderson (Rio)

Llewyn Davis (Inside Lleywn Davis)

Master Chief (Halo)

Mike (5lbs of Pressure)

Moe Doodle (Doodle Bops)

Nani Palekai (Lilo & Stitch)

Nathan Bateman (Ex Machina)

Outcome-3 (The Bourne Legacy)

Orestes (Agora)

Paul Blart (Paul Blart: Mall Cop)

Paul Cable (Last Stand at Saber River)

Peggy Bundy (Married With Children)

Peter Mitchell (3 Men & A Baby)

Poe Dameron (Star Wars)

Prince John (Robin Hood 2010)

Robert ‘Bob’ Floyd (Top Gun: Maverick)

Rose Tyler (Doctor Who)

Shiv (Pu-239)

Stanley Ipkiss (The Mask)

Star-Lord (Guardians of the Galaxy)

Summer Field (Time Cut)

Tate Langdon (AHS: Murder House)

The Janitor (Willy’s Wonderland)

Thomas Magnum (Magnum, P.I 1980)

William Tell (The Card Counter)

[inkievoid]

(If u already mentioned something about this then pls ignore this)

But the dynamic between Leon, his wife, and the kids it’s giving me — his wife’s mom loves him soo much/smothers him and same with the grandkids. While the wife’s dad…whenever they’re alone there’s that tension. That “oh, so you’re the one dating —err my daughter’s husband despite Leon and his wife being married for ever how long 😂 there’s always that dynamic lol.

Imagine they’re visiting the grandparents house. Kids excited. Violet acting like she’s not (she is), Cecilia happy and kicking her feet because she knows granny makes the best cakes/pastries, and Scotty..well whatever babies do. Babble.

While Leon is out here sweating and his wife all happy seeing her parents again.

Timeline establishing moment: they met in late '07- early '08. Got married in late '10 and conceived Violet on their honeymoon (they weren't fucking around with having babies). So if we're going by current times of '24 they've been married 14ish years...

Readers parents I'd imagine we're an old fashioned couple. Her father probably an Ex military general. Like, Leon even in the Army heard stories of this guy but never got to meet him until you brought him home to your folks. Your mother was just a homemaker raising her daughter on the words of Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem. Raising a strong woman with the love/compassion of her mother and the strong will/ambition of her father.

But yes! His wife's mother absolutely ADORES Leon. Every time they visit she immediately starts fussing at him about taking care of himself too along with the family. Probably shoves food on him like a dealer trying to sell drugs. Literally will not stop giving him kisses on his head and calling him "the perfect son she always wanted". Insists on him calling her Mom which he happily obliged. She's so happy you married a good man like Leon and gave her 3 beautiful grandbabies.

Her father... Oh God... The moment Leon hears his father-in-law mutter "Hello Leon." He's immediately like misses puff...

Leon is PETRIFIED of this man. Always calls him Sir. Even when her father calls him Leonard (literally not even his name...) The only bonuses Leon has going for him is working for the government (good pay and job security), can protect his family/army training and giving them grandkids.

But grandpa with their grandbabies... COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MAN. Super gentle and sweet, especially towards his granddaughters. Constantly slips them money. Grandma is doting over Scottie, she loves babies, and taking him off their hands.

Violet is constantly acting like she doesn't want to be there, but the second grandpa shows up it's like she's 5 again she's so excited. Cecilia too, running at top speed to throw herself at him. He slips them both $20, Cecilia excited that she got money runs back to her parents... So grandpa slips Violet another $20 cause he knows she's older. Knows the worth of money and before they leave they always get a fat check for each kids college funds their grandparents opened for them as soon as they found out they existed. (Ofc grandparents spend their retirement on their grandbabies)

Cecilia gets to go home with half a cake from grandma and frozen cookie dough because as good as a baker daddy is grandma's still the best (🙄)

Violet gets her money and a new crochet hat every visit. She has a collection of them that she keeps her pin collection stuck to.

Scott gets toys, a trunk load of toys and clothes that he can grow into. Plus a lot of advice on raising a baby... Like you two hadn't already been raising 2 girls but okay.

[lolahaurisfw]

✎ Introduction ⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

Reqs are always open like usual too, and you can request as much as you want and as detailed as you want! i just get to things when i can/want to.

Anon's: None Yet

Other Accounts: @lolas-favfics @lolamultifandom @lolahauri @chowderpop 🔞

AO3: Here

BlueSky: Here

-> MASTERLIST <-

DNI: Map, Zoo, Pro-Para, Pro-Ana, TERF, Zionist, Bigots, Discourse Blogs. Block me if you don't agree. ❤️🖤🤍💚

What I Won't Write:

Smut. (Go to my other blog)

What I'm Willing To Write:

Reader Who Is: Tall, Short, Fat, Chubby, Curvy, Buff. Trans/NB.

Reader Who Has: Depression, Anxiety, DPDR, ADD.

Fluff, angst, platonic, hurt/comfort.

HC's, one shots, short multi-chapter fics, imagines/drabbles.

Canon-friendly, AU's, Canon Divergence, Out of Character.

Ch x Ch / Ch x Reader / Ch x OC / Poly Ships of any kind.

F/F, M/M, F/M, GN/F, GN/M, Poly Ships of any kind.

Now that that's out of the way, here's the list of fandoms and characters i'm familiar with and will happily take requests on!

Adventure Time/Fiona & Cake: PB, Marceline, Marshall Lee, Winter King, Candy Queen, Simon, Ice King, Fiona.

Attack On Titan: Armin, Eren, Mikasa, Sasha, Levi, Hanji, Annie, Historia, Reiner, Erwin, Ymir. 

Avatar: Jake, Neytiri.

Batman Begins Trilogy: Batman, Catwoman, Bane, Joker, Scarecrow.

Beauty & The Beast: Belle, Beast/Adam, Gaston.

Bee & Puppycat: Bee, Deckard, Cass, Toast.

BigBang Theory: Raj, Leonard, Penny, Amy.

Bistro Huddy: All Staff Members.

Black Dynamite: Honeybee, Black Dynamite.

BNA: Michiru, Shirou.

Bob’s Burgers: Bob, Linda.

Breaking Bad: Jesse, Skylar.

Call of Duty: Konig, Ghost, Mace, Keegan, Krueger, Valeria, Farah.

Creepypasta: Jeff, Jane, Ben, Toby, EJ, LJ, Slenderman, Splendorman, Clockwork, Kate, Masky, Hoodie,

Desperate Housewives: Bree, Gabi, Edie, Lynette, Carlos, John.

Dirty Dancing: Johnny, Baby.

Earth Girls Are Easy: Mac, Zeebo, Wiploc, Valerie.

Elemental: Wade, Ember.

Encanto: Isabela, Bruno, Dolores, Julieta.

FNAF Movie: Vanessa, Mike, William/Steve.

Frozen: Elsa, Anna, Kristoff.

Futurama: Leela, Fry, Amy, Bender.

Good Pizza, Great Pizza: Alicante, Octavia, Dr. Keh, Nasir, Flash, Cicero, Kimmy Slice, Dr. Price.

Grandma's Boy: J.P, Samantha.

Gravity Falls: Ford, Stan, Soos, Melody, Giffany, Bill.

Jane The Virgin: Jane, Michael, Petra, Luisa, Rose, Rogelio, Xiomara.

Jurassic Park (1993): Ian Malcolm, Ellie Sattler.

Jujutsu Kaisen: Gojo, Choso, Nanami, Sukuna, Toji, Shoko, Geto, Yaga Masamichi, Utahime, Uraume.

King of the Hill: Hank, Peggy, Luane, Nancy, Dale, Khan, Min, John Redcorn.

Life Is Strange (2015): Maxine, Chloe.

Lisa Frankenstein: Lisa, Creature, Taffy.

Little Mermaid (2022): Ariel, Eric.

MHA: Dabi, Hawks, Aizawa, Shigaraki.

Miller's Girl: Cairo, Johnathon.

Moon Knight: Moon System, Layla, Khonshu.

Mulan: Mulan, Li Shang.

National Treasure: Benjamin, Riley.

Nintendo: Link, Zelda, Peach, Daisy, Rosalina, Luigi, Bowser, Waluigi.

Norbit: Rasputia, Norbit.

Princess & The Frog: Tiana, Lottie, Naveen, Shadow Man.

Ratatouille: Colette, Linguini. 

Regular Show: Mordecai, Margret, Eileen, CJ, Benson.

Resident Evil: Karl Heisenberg, Carlos Oiliveria, Lady Dimitrescu.

Rick and Morty: Rick, Jerry, Beth, Doofus Rick.

Riverdale: FP Jones, Hiram.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: Kim, Ramona, Gideon, Wallace.

Scream 5: Amber, Tara, Sam.

Serial Mom: Chip, Beverly.

Silverado: Slick, Rae, Mal, Paden.

Shallow Hal: Rosemary, Hal.

Shameless: Lip, Fiona, Kev, V.

SheRa (2018): All Adults.

Sherlock (2010): Sherlock, John Watson.

Slashers & DBD: Brahms, Ghostface, Michael Myers, Jason Vorhees, Pyramid Head, The Spirit, Huntress, Trapper, Wraith, Trickster, Pearl, Jennifer Check, Stu Matcher, Billy Loomis, Tiffany Valentine, Patrick Batmeman, Thomas Hewitt, Vincent Sinclair, Eric Draven, The Artist, Amanda Young.

Spiderverse: Miguel, Jessica Drew.

Spongebob: Dennis, Man Ray.

Squid Games: Gi-Hun, Sae-Byeok, Ali, Sang Woo.

Stardew Valley: All Adult Humans (Except George & Evelyn)

Steven Universe: Garnet, Amethyst, Peridot, Lapis, Jasper, Blue Diamond, Rose, Greg.

Stranger Things: Robin, Billy Eddie, Chrissy, Hopper.

Supernatural: Sam, Dean, Castiel.

Super Store: Amy, Jonah, Dina, Garrett, Cheyenne.

Tangled: Flynn, Rapunzel, Mother Gothell.

The Batman (2022): Batman, Riddler.

The Breakfast Club: John Bender, Allison Reynolds.

The Nanny: C.C, Fran, Maxwell.

Total Drama Island: S1 Contestants, Chris, Chef, Blainley.

Triple Frontier: Frankie, Santiago.

Turning Red: Ming Lee, Jin Lee.

Twilight: Edward, Carlisle, Alice, Charlie.

YOU: Beck, Joe, Peach, Love.

Young Sheldon: Mary, Connie.

~

Abel Morales (A Most Violent Year)

Astarion (Baulder’s Gate 3)

Babbo Natale (Violent Night)

Barbie (Barbie 2023)

Basil Stitt (Lightning Face)

Beverly Goldberg (The Goldbergs)

Bruce (Beyond Therapy)

Charles Ingalls (Little House on the Praire)

Charlie Dompler (Smiling Friends)

Chel (Road to El Dorado)

Dale Kobble (Longlegs)

Dan Conner (Rosanne)

David Levinson (Independence Day)

Din Djarin (The Mandalorian)

Doug Remer (Baseketball)

Duke Leto Atreides (Dune)

Fezzik (Princess Bride)

Francine (American Dad)

Fujimoto (Ponyo)

Georgia Miller (Ginny & Georgia)

Jack Harrison (Translyvania 6-5000)

Jackson Rippner (Red Eye)

Jon Arbuckle (Garfield 2024)

John Doe (John Doe Game)

Jonathan Levy (Scenes from a Marriage)

John Wick (John Wick 4)

King Baldwin (Kingdom of Heaven)

Kitten (Breakfast on Pluto)

Laurent LeClaire (In Secret)

Linda Gunderson (Rio)

Llewyn Davis (Inside Lleywn Davis)

Master Chief (Halo)

Mike (5lbs of Pressure)

Moe Doodle (Doodle Bops)

Nani Palekai (Lilo & Stitch)

Nathan Bateman (Ex Machina)

Outcome-3 (The Bourne Legacy)

Orestes (Agora)

Paul Blart (Paul Blart: Mall Cop)

Paul Cable (Last Stand at Saber River)

Peggy Bundy (Married With Children)

Peter Mitchell (3 Men & A Baby)

Poe Dameron (Star Wars)

Prince John (Robin Hood 2010)

Robert ‘Bob’ Floyd (Top Gun: Maverick)

Rose Tyler (Doctor Who)

Shiv (Pu-239)

Stanley Ipkiss (The Mask)

Star-Lord (Guardians of the Galaxy)

Summer Field (Time Cut)

Tate Langdon (AHS: Murder House)

The Janitor (Willy’s Wonderland)

Thomas Magnum (Magnum, P.I 1980)

William Tell (The Card Counter)

[studywgabi]

Songs

A (Cliched) List of Songs That Capture the Loneliness, the Self-Loathing, and the Desperate Desire to be Loved (In No Particular Order):

Blood and Fire - The Indigo Girls

My Skin - Natalie Merchant

Nobody - Mitski (obviously)

Crack Baby - Mitski

Alone Forever - Leanna Firestone (criminally underrated)

Je Sais Pas Danser - Pomme (Could I be more pretentious?)

At Seventeen - Janis Ian

Long, Long Time - Linda Ronstadt

Tous Les Garcons et Les Filles - Francoise Hardy (Apparently so)

Please Send Me Someone to Love - Sade

Come On, Aphrodite - Natalie Merchant

Nicest Thing - Kate Nash

Love Will Come to You - Indigo Girls

Chasing Pavements - Adele

All I Need - Radiohead

Creep - Radiohead (Couldn't resist)

If No One Ever Marries Me - Natalie Merchant

I Will - The Beatles

Another Day - Paul McCartney

Liability - Lorde

People Watching - Conan Gray

Body - Mother Mother

Fat Funny Friend - Maddie Zahm

I'm Your Man - Leonard Cohen

IDK You Yet - Alexander 23

Waiting Room - Phoebe Bridgers

Goodbye to Love - Phoebe Bridgers

How Soon is Now? - The Smiths

Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths

Asleep - The Smiths

Unloveable - The Smiths

Your Best American Girl - Mitski

Valentine - Fiona Apple (My favorite)

Winter - Tori Amos

As I Am - Joan Jett

A (Much Shorter) List of Songs that Describe How I Wished I Felt Instead- Strong Enough on My Own and Accepting of the Fact That I'm Alone:

Aphrodite - Honey Gentry

No Man's Woman - Sinead O'Connor

You're On Your Own, Kid - Taylor Swift

Beautiful - Christina Aguilera

Perhaps Even More Embarrassing (if Possible), A List of Songs that Describe How I Would Love Someone and How I Want to be Loved. I Love these Songs, and I want to Relate to them Someday:

Je Suis D'Accord - Francoise Hardy

We'll Never Have Sex - Leith Ross

The First Taste - Fiona Apple

Your Body is a Wonderland - John Mayer

Thirteen - Big Star

Limon Y Sal - Julieta Venegas

Jupiter - Flower Face

Head Over Feet - Alanis Morrisette

Arabella - Arctic Monkeys

Strong Enough - Sheryl Crow

Oh My Love - John Lennon

Eres - Cafe Tacvba

(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman - Aretha Franklin

Safe and Sound - Taylor Swift

I'll Get the Coffee - Kathryn Gallagher

Still Into You - Paramore

John, I Love You - Sinead O'Connor

Heal the Pain - George Michael

And I Love You So - Don McLean

Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison

Samba Pa Ti - Santana

An "Our Song"

Feel free to add your own songs and what they mean to you. I hope you're being kind to yourself today, darlings.

[etherealspacejelly]

Way back when I was a itty bitty boy livin in a

box

under the

stairs in the cornerofthehouse

half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop?

Youknowtheplace

Anyway life was going swell & everything was juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust

PEACHY

Except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning

My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

BIG

BOWL

OF SAUERKRAUT

EVERY

SINGLE

MORNING

It was driving me crazy

So I went up to my mom & said

"Hey Mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear sweet mother just looked at me like a cow looking at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me and said

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

IT'S GOOD FOR YOU

AndthenshetiedmetothewallandstuckafunnelinmymouthandforcefedmenothingbutsauerkrautuntilIwas26andahalfyearsold

That's when I swore that Someday,

Someday I'd get out of that basement and travel to a magical faraway place

Where the sun was always shining

And the air smelled like warm root beer

And the towels were oh so

Fluffy

And the shiners & lepers would strum their ukuleles all day long

And anybody on the street would gladly shave your back for a

NICKEL,

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

WAKKA WAKKA DOO DOO

YEAH

Well lemme tell you people,

It wasn't long at all before my dream came true because the very next day a local radio station had this contest to determine who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's

I was off by three

But I still won the grand prize

That's right, a

First class

One way

Ticket

To

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

Y'know I've never been on a real airplane before and I gotta tell you it was really great

Except I had to sit next to two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back kept throwing up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of Dr Pepper & salted peanuts

And the inflight movie was Biodome with Pauly Shore

and oh yeah three of the airplane engines burned down

And we went into a tailspin

And we crashed into a hillside

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball

And everybody

DIED.

Except for me

Yanno whyy?

Because I had my

Tray table up

And my seat back in the full up front position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full up front position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full up front position

Aha ha ha

Ha ha...

ugggghhh.

So I crawled from the twisted burning wreckage

I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days

Carrying along my big leather suitcase

and my garment bag

and my tenor saxophone

and my twelve pound bowling ball

and my lucky lucky autographed glow in the dark snorkel

But finally I arrived at the

World Famous

Albuquerque Holliday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy!

An' you can even eat your soup out of the ash trays if ya wanna

It's okay, they're clean!

Well I checked into my room and

turned down the AC and

turned on the spectrovision

an' I was just about to eat that chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very very much when suddenly there's a knock on my door and I was like Well who could that be?

I said

"Who is it?"

No answer

"Who is it?"

No answer...

"WHO IS IT!!"

They're not sayin' anything

So finally I go over & I open the door & jus' as I suspected,

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Aw man I hate it when I'm right

So anyway he burst into my room and grabbed my lucky snorkel and I'm like

"Hey you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!"

an' he's like

"Tough."

and I'm like "Give it!"

and he's like "Make me!"

and I'm like "..."

"'Kay?"

SohegrabbedmylegandhegrabbedmyesophagusandIbitoffhisearandhechewedoffmyeyebrowandItookouthisappendixandhegavemeacolonicirrigationyesindeedyoubetterbelieveit

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

And somehow in the middle of it all,

The phone got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds later I heard a familiar voice

And 'know what it said?

I'll tell ya what it said!

It said

If you'd like

to make

a call

Please hang up

and try

again

If you need help

hang up and then dial

your oooooooooooooooperator

If you'd like

to make

a call

Please hang up

and try

again

If you need help

hang up and then dial

your oooooooooooooooperator

In

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

Well to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel

But I made a solemn vow right then & there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant

Until the one nostriled man was brought to justice

But first I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car

And I drove over to the donut shop

And I walked up to the guy behind the counter

And he said

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh whaddya want

I said

"You got any glazed donuts?"

He said

"Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."

I said

"You got any jelly donuts?"

He said

"Nah, we're outta jelly donuts."

I said

"You got any Bavarian cream filled donuts?"

He said

"Nah, we're outta Bavarian cream filled donuts!"

I said

"You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said

"Nah, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"

I said

"You got any apple fritters?!"

He said

"Nah, we're outta apple fritters?!"

I said

"YOU GOT ANY BEARCLAWS?!"

He said

"Wait a minute, I'll go check"

🎸

"NAH WE'RE OUT OF BEARCLAWS."

I said

"Well in that case."

"In that case what do you have?"

He said

"All I got right now is a box of one dozen starving crazed weasels."

I said

"Okay I'll take that."

So he handed me the box

And I open up the lid

And the weasels jump out

An' they immediately latch onto my face an' start bitin' me all over

alkdsfjlahfoioi

asd;lfjaoisdufiah

Oh man!

They were goin' nuts!

They were tearin' me a part!

Y'know I think it was about that time when a little ditty started goin' through my head...

I believe it went a little something like this...

D'OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

GET'EMOFFMEGET'EMOFFME

OHHHHHHHHHH

GET'EMOFFGET'EMOFF

OHMYGODOHMYGOD

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOADOIFUOAIUGOHYASODIUY

I ran out into the street with these flesh eating weasels all over my face

Waving my arms all around an' just runnin' runnin' runnin' like a constipated weiner dog

And as luck would have it,

That's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams...

Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said "Hey. You got weasels on your face."

That's when I knew it was true love!

We were inseparable after that!

Aww, we ate together

We bathed together

We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our burrito

So we got married and bought us a house & had two beautiful children,

Nathaniel and Superfly!

Oh we were so very very very happy, oh yeah.

But then one fateful night

Zelda said to me,

"Sweetie Pumpkin? Do you want to join the Columbia Record Club?"

I said

"Woah! Hold on now baby, I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment!"

So we broke up and I never saw her again but that's

Just

the way

things go

In

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

🎸

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me because about a week later I finally achieved my life long dream:

That's right I got me a part time job at the

I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face! Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that! I was getting a lot of attitude.

Okay like this one time I was out in the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil?

When I see this guy Marty trying to carry this big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself!

So I go over to him and say

"Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes & goes

"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw."

So I did!

And he gets all indignant on me! He was like

"Hey man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well that's just great, how was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader for crying out loud! Besides, now he's got a real cute nickname, Torso Boy! So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote, so this guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days, well I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein! And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over and I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?" But he just kept rolling around on the sidewalk screaming

AUUUUUGHHHGHHG

AUGGGGHHGUGUFUGHUUGIFU

AAAAAGUGUUAUUUUUAAAAAUGUGH

Y'know completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um

Um

Where was I...

Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh

Well anyways, I know it was kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but I guess the whole point I'm trying to make here is

I

HATE

SAUERKRAUT

That's all I'm really trying to say.

And by the way if one day you ever wake up and find yourself in a existential quandary, filled with loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed up universe of ours,

There's still a little place...

Called

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

I said

A

(A)

L

(L)

B

(B)

U

(U)

...

QUERQUE!

QUERQUE!!!!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllbuquerqueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

was this entirely necessary

[sweetestpopcorn]

I think that Robert Sean Leonard would be a good fancast for older Viserys I.

Hi there!

So, like always I had to check who TF this was and... yeah no. Absolutely not.

Viserys is our thick king. He was never a fighter, never a warrior, never enjoyed hunts or any of the like. Viserys was someone who liked a full plate, a good party and to have fun. Robert does not fit the description in any way except that he's handsome, but so many actors are so there's nothing really in my opinion that would make me look at Robert and think "Ah, Viserys".

I mean this is Robert:

This is Viserys I:

Also, having seen him in Doctor House and Death Poets Society again, I don't get the Viserys's vibes at all. I don't look at him and see someone who is "great fun at parties" and who likes to laugh and have a good time.

I can't even get there by imagining him in a fat? suit and with some wig and sh:t.

So all in all its a 1/10 for me XD

Perhaps a better fit, would be actor Dan Stevens, especially around the time he was playing Matthew Crawley in Downton Abbey because since he lost a considerable amount of weight.

A very handsome man, huge smile, that party boy/funny vibes, and not conventionally thin and living proof that thin does not have to equal beautiful. At the same time there's something commanding in his presence and look, and we do know Viserys I knew how to be a c_nt when he was feeling it XD dragon was hibernating but every once in while WOW he really came out guns blazing.

I think he would be a great fit for younger Viserys, around the time he became king for instance and even before. Definitely handsome enough for a Targaryen, just missing the walrus moustache X'D

This is my choice, XOXO

[meaningful-negativity]

➫ JIM was used to this, the casual ribbing from his doctor, and not only his doctor, he knew the barbs of truth came from his best friend. They happened to be the same guy so he really could only make a face at him like he was half amused and offended. It was time for his yearly physical and he hadn't thought he did that poorly. Though he was having a bit of trouble catching his breath. "Maybe I've put on a little weight but there's no need to bring my age into this, Bones. I mean, seriously? A lemon? That's just mean." The captain played up the offence, but really, he wasn't shocked by this news. They were getting older and frankly, he had let the exercise go a little bit, and he DEFINITELY wasn't sticking to the diet McCoy had set up for him, thanks to chef.

"if you would stick to an exercise routine, we wouldn't be having anything like this talk again Jim. i know i'm not the best man to tell you about going out and exercising but you need to keep your fitness up or what's gonna happen. it's gonna be Jim Kirk running away from something and having to sit down during the middle of it." Leonard chuckles and cocks his eyebrow at the other man "Let's not talk about age because i'm older than you kid and i know i'm a lemon so that's where we stand on that subject as much as i hate to admit it." His eyes narrow a bit as he looks at the other man and then he starts wagging a finger at him "i know that you're not following my diet again. What am i going to have to do? Get chef to start serving you cabbage soup every day because you are definitely a little on the chubby side. i'm not saying your fat by any means but a little bit of that weight needs to come off if you want to enjoy a drink of bourbon every once in a while." Leonard then walks over and hands Jim his shirt "Now put that back on you troublemaker."

@berylcluster

[goodbysunball]

Best of 2024

Keeping it trim, for your sanity and mine. Too much good music released this year, again, but nothing topped the swirling, weighted haze of "Everyone Thought You Were Dead.”

While I'm very strongly in favor of buying music and supporting artists, consider also a donation to Gaza Soup Kitchen and The Sameer Project.

Happy New Year, and thanks for reading. On with the show:

LP

VERITY DEN, s/t (Amish)

J.R.C.G., Grim Iconic...(Sadistic Mantra) (Sub Pop)

THE BODY, The Crying Out of Things (Thrill Jockey)

BILDERS, Dustbin of Empathy (Grapefruit/Sophomore Lounge)

SHOP REGULARS, s/t (Merrie Melodies)

SEPTAGE, Septic Worship (Intolerant Spree of Infesting Forms) (Me Saco Un Ojo)

ANADOL & MARIE KLOCK, La Grande Accumulation (Pingipung)

MORDECAI, Seeds From the Furthest Vine (Petty Bunco)

WATER DAMAGE, In E (12XU)

MATT KREFTING, Finer Points (Open Mouth)

12"/7"/CS/CD

ÅTHÄVOR, s/t CS (Satatuhatta)

BALTA, Mindenki Mindig Minden Ellen 7" (La Vida Es Un Mus)

BRAIN TOURNIQUET / DELIRIANT NERVE, split 7" (Iron Lung)

CICADA, Wicked Dream 7" (Unlawful Assembly)

DEAD DOOR UNIT, Abandon CD (Tribe Tapes)

LIGHT METAL AGE, s/t CS (self-released)

JIM MARLOWE, Mirror Green Rotor In Profile CS (Medium Sound)

PHILL NIBLOCK, Looking For Daniel CD (Unsounds)

NORMS, 100% Haza​á​rul​á​s 12" (11PM/Total Peace)

SIN TAX, Abnegation 7" (Miracle Cortex)

SUFFOCATING MADNESS, Unrelenting Forced Psychosis 12" (Toxic State)

Sharp Pins at the Pilot Light, May 23, 2024

FIVE SHOWS

Ryan Davis & the Roadhouse Band, February 2, The Pilot Light, Knoxville, TN

Unwound, March 21, The Mill & Mine, Knoxville, TN

Sharp Pins with A Certain Zone, May 23, The Pilot Light, Knoxville, TN

Negativland + Sue-C feat. Zoh Amba for two songs, June 8, Central Cinema, Knoxville, TN

Primitive Man, September 22, Eulogy, Asheville, NC

BONUS: Driving to Nashville to see J.R.C.G. only to find out it was canceled, but getting to eat the best meal of the year at Margot Cafe

FIVE BOOKS

All first-time reads in 2024; highly recommend Fat City and The Wall.

Don Carpenter, Hard Rain Falling (1966)

Mariana Enriquez, translated by Megan McDowell, Our Share of Night (2023)

Leonard Gardner, Fat City (1969)

Marlen Haushofer, translated by Shaun Whiteside, The Wall (1963)

Aurora Venturini, translated by Kit Maude, Cousins (2023)

[stronghours]

2024 reading roundup:

Stay Me, Oh Comfort Me; Journals & Collected Stories, 1933-1941 – M.F.K. Fisher

The Piano Teacher – Elfriede Jelinek

The Stories of Frank O’Connor – Frank O’Connor

Real Life – Brandon Taylor

The Vivisector – Patrick White

Fat City – Leonard Gardner

Flunker – Dennis Cooper

The Portrait of a Lady – Henry Miller

Henry Henry – Allen Bratton

First Blood – David Morrel

Mortal Leap – Macdonald Harris

Art Sex Music – Cosi Fanni Tutti

Voss – Patrick White

In A Shallow Grave – James Purdy

Vanity Fair – William Thackary

Trout Fishing In America – Richard Brautigan

Emma – Jane Austen

Jerk – Dennis Cooper

Riders in the Chariot – Patrick White

The Glassy Burning Floor of Hell – Brian Evenson

The Man Who Loved Children – Christina Stead

Smothered in Hugs: Essays, Interviews, Feedback, and Obituaries – Dennis Cooper

Hard Rain Falling – Don Carpenter

Patrick White: Letters – David Marr

The Destinies of Darcy Dancer, Gentleman – J.P. Donleavy

[ozblok]

Random 20

Alright folks time for another weird ramblings of a loyal grafthead, talking more about Godrick's strength capabilities. This one is me wondering how would he handle lifting up his fellow Demigods and few other bosses, just a silly idea in my head but let's see what I think.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—

Grafted Scion- hmm ok starting off with a weird one, would probably be a kinda messy to hold. If it were to be held in arms it would need to ball up kinda, like tuck in it's limbs under it's cloak for easier handling. Now if it were on his back it can just holding onto him without him doing a single thing, maybe it would actually blend in with him like it's apart of him. He needs to hold his spider kids for proper bonding. 7/10

Margit/Morgott- easy carry, able to walk around carrying him without much issue. Easy weither holding like a baby or carrying him on his back. Tail would probably be the the way a bit, probably shouldn't touch it. 8/10

Rennela- with her bubble she's as light as a feather, not much surface area plus it floats so would need to wrap longest arm around it to keep secure. w/o bubble she's also an easy carry, very light and thin so holding her wouldn't be an issue, walking isn't a problem either weither she in arms or on back. Not much issue except for the bubble 7/10

Radahn- alright so this man is a beefcake, towering over Godrick few a couple of feet so this will require some concentration. Being held in arms would be near impossible, would need to carry him upon shoulders. Walking would be a great struggle, it could be possible but it would be very slow. This would be 10 times easier with Radahn's gravity magic to make himself lighter, allowing for easy mobility. But even when made lighter his large size restricts him to being on shoulders. Leonard would approve 5/10

Ranni- very small doll lady, weights just about nothing so easy weither held like baby or on back. Not really any issues, maybe her hat but I doubt it 10/10

Rykard- a very difficult carry, mainly for the fact Rykard is a giant monstrous serpent. The only way Godrick could effectively "carry" Rykard is by holding him by his snake head and slowly dragging his body behind, would be like Godrick making his slither. Very difficult and heavy process 4/10

Fire Giant- alright this is just ridiculous, Godrick has no way of lifting up this skyscraper of a giant. Closest thing to "lifting" this thing is either it's ripped off foot or a limp head. But this isn't gonna happen, impossible 1/10

Malenia- back to an easy carry, a smelly one but easy. So Malenia is about double the size of a Tarnished and is very fast so probably pretty light for Godrick to carry. Weither she's held like a baby or riding on his back doesn't matter, her goddess form may be a bit annoying to hold with the large wings and constant flow of butterflies. But the wings could be wrapped around her and make her cradled in a burrito of her own wings. If prosthetics were removed then she'd be even lighten and easier than before. Just hope she doesn't explode 8/10

Godskin Apostle- Stretchy tall twig, yet another simple hold weither in arms or on back. For fun if stretched Godrick could wear him like a fur scarf. Good snake 10/10

Godskin Noble- Big fat marshmallow, ok this one will require some elbow grease. Should be possible weither being carried by arms or on back but with extra weight and larger size walk will be difficult. Also if the noble inflates handling with be more difficult. Nice tail tho 6.5/10

Maliketh- Scary big dog knight, so for size he's pretty hefty so some strength will be required to hold him. If needed he can also be carried on Godrick's back as well and thanks to his armor it should allow spots for easier grips for supports. Might bite or scratch 8.5/10

Gideon- Hold the know-it-all like an ice cream cone, spoon feed him knowledge so he doesn't judge you. Jokes aside pretty easy hold like Ranni 10/10

Godfrey- alright this Elden Lord is pretty hefty, thanks to his body being pure muscle he's gonna be pretty damn heavy. Godrick would need to focus hard to not disappoint the great Godfrey, it would be difficult yes but not impossible. Godrick would want to impress Godfrey and show his worth in strength, this may motivate him to hold Godfrey for a long period of time before collapsing. Serosh is ghost so he wouldn't get in the way 7/10

Radagon/Marika- now THIS Elden Lord (and Queen) is much smaller and a bit broken so carrying will be no problem. The cracks in the body should give great handling while carrying. Weither it's Radagon or Marika shouldn't matter tho he would probably be more careful with Marika. Elden Ring is pretty to look at 9/10

Elden Beast- Finally God, hmmm pretty large being so picking up would be extremely difficult. So maybe Godrick can drag it by it's head or it's tail wrapped around him like a rope. Would look ridiculous but he could probably drag God, thought it would take a bit unless the Elden Beast is somehow light as a feather. Slug may be slippery 5.5/10

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This took a bit to think up but I'd say I'm happy with this very very random and weird list of Godrick carrying his family. I'll see what other weird lists I can come up with in the future, hope y'all enjoyed this one :>

[dollarbin]

Dollar Bin #48:

Songs of Love and Hate, Part 2

Individual notes, verses, flashes of color and morsels can sum up all that is great about a given artist.

Joyce's heaventree of stars hung with humid nightblue fruit and Eliot's patient etherized on a table instantly encapsulate each author's vast oeuvre; Botticelli's cornered, puffing zephyrs sum up everything that dwells within his immense, canvassed, rushes of air.

Plus, you could dedicate a week or two straight to Dinosaur Jr's catalog or just get the whole thing done quick by letting J Mascis order you to get him a bucket.

Like J says, it's sometimes best to absorb the whole by ignoring it and staring instead, well, into the face of "ducket".

So let's follow J's advice and, after an initial post that focused largely on Jew's harps and orgies, dedicate this Part 2 to zooming in on Leonard Cohen's own, single, summation bucket: the opening track of Songs of Love and Hate, Avalanche.

All the vast riches hidden within Cohen's monstrous but sexy raincoat are on display in this track.

The opening verse goes a long way to sum up Cohen's art. "I stepped into avalanche: it covered up my soul." This isn't a guy with inherited hardships; he bought a house on a Greek island before he was famous with inherited funds; plus he was really, really good looking.

But one of the great things about the man is his ownership of his own sorrow: he knowingly and willingly stepped into a swirl of hardship and frozen water. It's his own damn fault, and he owns that. And when horrors covered up his soul, leaving him hunchbacked, crippled and befouled, he consistently pulled off the ultimate magic trick, transmuting his self-entrapment into a golden sleep of verse and art and song.

And we're the miners in Cohen's song, of course: we stumble into Cohen as we tunnel after more obvious and conventional beauty. I discovered him in the backseat of my teenage girlfriend's parent's suburban on a four hour drive through the mountains.

"Who is this?" I asked the car. I was already transfixed.

"Leonard Cohen!" chorused the entire family of 5, including an 8 year old with pigtails and a stuffed rabbit in her lap. Clearly, they all thought, this new boyfriend is an idiot.

There's a sonic summation at work in Avalanche too: Cohen's signature sinister and churning Spanish guitar, originally encountered on Avalanche's prequel, The Stranger Song, is met by equally sinister and strident strings that crowd him and then retreat time and again; often Cohen would bring in female vocalists to commune with him and contradict him on his records. But this song is too personal, too harrowing, to foist onto anyone else. He burdens the song's weight alone, letting it bury him deeper and deeper down beneath the hill.

We always want it darker when it comes to Cohen. With Avalanche he truly delivers.

And then there's the song's phrasing. Dylan did a real nice job of publicly honoring Cohen at the time of his passing and it occurs to me now that, consciously or unconsciously, the Bobster, after blowing out his voice altogether in the 80's, surely taught himself how to sing all over again in the 90's and Ought's by channeling Cohen's work on songs like this.

Every word in Avalanche is stretched for and clawed after; every phrase refuses to submit to convention and instead is determined by its owners own soulful sense of time. Cohen and the later day Dylan knew they couldn't sing like other men. So they stopped trying, focusing instead on pace and mood, transmuting their own grotesqueries into beautifully individualized truths.

If both songs are indeed utterly Bob and Leonard, how could anyone ever cover such songs? Now one is gonna enjoy reading anyone else's versions of Molly Bloom or Prufrock; Zephyr in anyone else's painting is just a fat baby who needs his diaper changed in a big way.

But music allows for tributes to become solid art. The Cowboy Junkies turned in a deft, Spanish-tinged cover of Give Myself Up To You almost instantly.

And Nick Cave did the same thing 40 years ago with Avalanche.

These covers don't upstage the originals. They kneel to them. And so do I.

[milfweirdal]

Way back when I was just a little bitty bwoy, livin' in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place. Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was juuuust PEACHY! Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning, my mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. D'ohhhh, BIG BOWL OF SAUERKRAUT! EVERY SINGLE MORNIN'! It was driving me crazy! I said to my mom, I said "Hey, mom! What's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother. She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train, and she leaned right down next to me, and she said... (deep breath) "IT'S GOOD FOR YOOOUUU!!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old! That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh-so-fluffy! Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel! (inhale) WOCKA WOCKA DOO DOO YEAH! well let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true, because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize! That's right, a first class one-way ticket - tooo Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta tell ya, it was really great! Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor, and the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time, the flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore, and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died!!......Except for me~ You know why? 'Cause I had my tray table up! And my seat back in the full upright position, had my tray table up, And my seat back in the full upright position, had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position! Ahahahaha! Ahahaha. Hahhhhh.... So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage! I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days! ....Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel! But finally I arrived at the world famous... Albuquerque Holiday Inn! Where the towels are oh-so-fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna! It's OK, they're clean! Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C and I turned on the SpectraVision and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very-very-much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door. (BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG) Well now, who could that be? I say "Who is it?" No answer. "Who is it~?" There's no answer! "WHO IS IT!" They're not sayin' anything! So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected: It's some big fat h***********e with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right. So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and I'm like "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!" And he's like "Tough!" And I'm like "Give it!" And he's like "Make me!" And I'm like, "'Kay!" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation yesindeedyoubetterbelieveit (WHEEZE) And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook, and twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said! It said "If you'd like to make a call~ please hang up and try again~ If you need help, hang up and then dial your oooooooperator~ If you'd like to make a call~ please hang up and try again~ If you need help, hang up and then dial your oooooooperator~" In Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest - I would not sleep for an instant - until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice. But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says "Yeeeeeah, whaddaya waaaant?!" (brief but sick guitar solo) I said "You got any glazed donuts?" He said "Nawwww, we're outta glazed donuts!" I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said "Nawwww, we're outta jelly donuts!" I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" He said "Nawwww, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts!" I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said "NAWWWW, WE'RE OUTTA CINNAMON ROLLS!" I said "YOU GOT ANY APPLE FRITTERS?" He said "NAWWWW, WE'RE OUTTA APPLE FRITTERS!" I said "YOU GOT ANY BEAR CLAWS?" He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check." (slightly longer sick guitar solo) "NAAWWWW, WE'RE OUTTA BEAR CLAWS!" I said "Well, in that case.... in that case, what do you have?" He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels." I said "OK, I'll take that." So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over (HAHNGHNNAsnortHNAGHGNH) oh man, they were just going nuts! They were tearin' me apart! ....You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head. I believe it went a little something like this: D'OHHHHH!! GET EM OFF ME GET EM OFF ME! OHHHHHH! NO GET 'EM OFF GET EM OFF! OH, OH GOD, OH GOD, OHHH GET EM OFF ME, OH OHH GOD, AH AHHHH AHHHHHHH! I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams. ~Her name was Zelda~. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said "Hey - you've got weasels on your face." That's when I knew it was true love! We were inseparable after that. Aww, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly! Oh, we were so very very very happy, awww yeahh. But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me... She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said "Whooooaaaa, hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!" So we broke up and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go - In Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler! I even made Employee of the Month after I put out that grease fire out with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attiTOOD. Okay, like one time, I was out in the parking lot tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil - when I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself! So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just roollllls his eyes and goes "Nooooo, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did. And then he gets all indignant on me! He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud! Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about? Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote... This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells he hasn't had a bite in three days! Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein! And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over, and I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming, AAAAARGH, OHHH, AAAGGGH, you know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know? Anyway, um. ....Um. Where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought... Uh. Well, uh, okay, anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it but... I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is - I. HATE. SAUERKRAUT! That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandary, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours... there's still a little place... called Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque! I said A (A!) L (L!) B (B!) U (U!).... QUERQUE! (QUERQUEEE!!) Albuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerque ALLLLBUQUEEEEERQUEEEEEEEEEEE ........(laughing) (drumsolo) (belch) (final sick guitar solo)