#LET ME FIND BEAUTY IN THE AVERAGE!!!! IN THE OVERLOOKED!!!!!!!!!!

[sunrayretriever]

there is nothing stronger than fandoms that have withstood the sands of time but im referring to ones that are worldwide like vocaloid or pokemon or sanrio or anime or furries... when u talk to people who are SO invested in these things a lot of them will talk about how these things were there when nobody else was..... i know thats true for a lot of fandoms and media and interests but im just saying the world is so beautiful that things that are intangible... can bring so much joy to people no matter where they stand on the earth....

[cheapshrimpysheep]

First Date - Octavinelle

SUMMARY: What would your first date with him be like? I know first dates might not go so well, but let's pretend these are different. ;)

CHARACTERS: Azul Ashengrotto; Jade Leech & Floyd Leech

TAGS: Fluf; GN Reader; Flirting; Kissing

WARNING: Spoilers from Book 3

WORD COUNT: An average of 650 words per character.

Heartslabyul / Savanaclaw / Octavinelle / Scarabia / Pomefiore / Ignihyde / Diasomnia

COMMENTS: I got a little block a little bit with Floyd's part. There were so many crazy and not so crazy possibilities. Azul's was the "easiest" because he's one of my favourites.

I hope you enjoy ;)

Your date would be dinner at Mostro Lounge. Why? What better place to show off and be in control than the place where you are literally the boss? Azul is in complete control of the situation there. And he can even create a new menu just for you to make sure it's perfect and everything goes smoothly.

As for Jade and Floyd, he'll find a way to get rid of them that day. Even if it has to be through bribery.

Needless to say, you'll feel like a real VIP. I mean, you're the boss's date. You would be at the best table, right next to the large window overlooking the beautiful seabed. The menu of the day is full of your favourite dishes, drinks and desserts. Some of them you never even mentioned to him...

You can choose whatever you like, all on the house. And if you need anything, Azul will simply snap his fingers and an Octavinelle student will appear. In summary: Azul will completely spoil you!

Azul likes to talk. And he loves talking to you. Before, you would be more careful about what you tell him. But now that you know he likes you, and you yourself know more about Azul than most other people, you know he'll still try to make deals with you, but this time they won't be “evil” deals. Maybe the next deal is another date?

You know the Azul behind that charismatic smile. The sensitive boy who was once a "Crybaby". But whenever you approach that side of him, he will deflect the conversation and change the subject, smoothly. That side of him is not for the public.

At the end of the pleasant dinner, he will invite you to the VIP Room. He doesn't hide the fact that it's because he wants to be alone with you for a while. He'll open the door for you and close it behind him after you both enter. He asks you to sit on one of the sofas and he sits next to you. He could put his arm on the back of the couch behind you, but that's not really his style. Tho, he's very close to you.

“Did you enjoy your dinner, my pearl?” Azul asks you with his charismatic smile.

“Of course I did. How could it not be a wonderful dinner after all your work? And that's why I want to know if you enjoyed it. Weren't you too busy trying to please me, to please yourself?”

“Of course not. I was overjoyed to have dinner with you.” No one but those close to him could have known that he wasn't telling the whole truth. And you’re extremely close to him.

You caress his cheek. “I don't doubt you. But I also know you. At times, weren't you too concerned about maintaining your confident boss image?” His shoulders sag a little. “I understand you doing this in front of other students. But you don't have to go through with it when it's just the two of us.” You smile. He sighs, his charismatic smile relaxes and his eyes soften.

He takes off his hat, puts his arms around your waist and hugs you as he lays his head on your shoulder. You feel him relaxing. “Why don't you let me keep my best side for you?” He whispers close to your neck.

“I love all your sides, Azul. Especially this one, to be honest.” You say, stroking his hair and kissing his forehead. He lifted his head, your noses practically touching.

“That makes me wonder if there is any side of you I still don't know about.” He lifts your chin a little with his index finger and thumb. “And that can make me love you even more.” Will you allow him to kiss you tenderly?

Are you surprised that Jade tucked this opportunity to make you go Mountain Hiking with him? If you already like hiking in the mountains, perfect for both of you. If not, don't worry, he’ll go at your pace. And if you get really tired, chances are he'll be cheeky enough to ask if you want him to carry you in his arms.

He will stop from time to time to observe and pick mushrooms. And if you allow him to, he will tell you all the facts and curiosities he knows, not only about mushrooms but also about other types of flora in the region. As you two are alone, and to ask you on a date is because he trusts you, he’ll allow himself to show you his enthusiastic side. It can be slightly scary.

When he sees berries he will tell you about them and pick some to give you to taste. When you look at him suspiciously, he will laugh and eat him first to prove to you that they are safe. He respects your distrust, you are no longer innocent enough to fall for the deceptions of others and that's good. Octavinelle taught you well.

If it's the first time you're tasting a berry he has given you. Maybe some type of berry that doesn't exist in your world, for example. He'll watch you as you eat with a smile, waiting to see your reaction. It is possible that you feel like a lab rat. Even after watching him eat the same type of berry. He is amused by your reactions, good or bad.

If you have to cross a river, something like walking over a log, he'll help you cross. Although... balancing on a log is a bit difficult, especially for someone who's only had legs for a year or two. So, even though he gave you confidence, the truth is that he didn't even know if he himself would be able to walk over the log. And there are great chances that you two will lose your balance and fall into the river. Fortunately, it's not very deep. Jade will laugh a lot and comment that even you, who have had legs since birth, couldn't balance. He'll help you out of the water and use fire magic to dry you both out.

He wants to take you to a specific place he knows. When you are getting closer, he will slow down and suggest that you walk the rest of the way hand in hand so that you can lean on him. He takes you to a beautiful point where you can see the rest of the mountain. A beautiful expanse of green under a blue sky. He'll let go of your hand without you noticing, leaving you to enjoy the view for a moment. When he asks you to turn around, you will see him sitting on a picnic blanket.

He cooked it all. And again, he eats first so you can see he's not playing a trick on you. Until you eat a slice of pie and say it's delicious in a squeaky voice like you've breathed in helium. He'll chuckle in the same squeaky voice, since he ate a slice too, before you did. But he didn't say anything on purpose.

“JADE!” you complain.

“Fu fu fu. Please forgive me.” He's trying not to laugh too much at your voice, or his own voice. “But I found this recipe and couldn't resist figuring out what your voice would sound like. Fu fu. Although you are upset with me, I am not sorry. It's actually delightful listening to your voice like that... Pf... Ha ha ha.” He can no longer resist laughing at his own voice. “But this pie also has another property. I have heard that if two people who ate this kind of food kiss each other, their lips will glow. Would you like to find out if it's true?”

You want to go on a date? Um... Ok, Floyd is in the mood, so let's go. Yes, now. He's in the mood for a date and you can't know when he will be in it again. But you don't have plans? You make them along the way.  C'mon Koebi-chan~.

He asks you if there is any rules for dates on land or something like that. You say there are clichés, but not necessarily rules. The important thing is that both people enjoy it. That's great! He hates being bound by rules. “You like to swim right?” He asks. You answer yes suspiciously. “Then, let's go for a Swiiiiiiiim!” He takes your hand and starts walking towards Octavinelle. Your panic is cute and funny.

He didn't just take your hand, he laced his fingers through yours. After all, you were on a date and people do that on a date, right? Despite his taste for squeezing, you feel an unusual firm gentleness in his fingers.

He was actually taking you to Mostro Lounge. He was telling you about some kind of secret passage that led you out there to the bottom of the sea. You start telling him about you not being a merfolk, you can't breathe underwater! “Uuuuum...? Are you sure about that?” Of course you were sure! “But haven't you already did it once?” He was smiling at you, he was really amused by your panic.

You finally realize he was referring to the potion Azul gave you when you made that deal to save the NRC students. He breaks down laughing when he sees your face when you realize this. And if you act sulky or slightly upset that he scared you, he'll think that's cute.

He asks Azul for that potion again. After a discussion about: "Do you think these potions are sold somewhere? Or that they are cheap?" Somehow, Azul gives him the potion. They speak the same language after all. And I'm referring to the language of deals.

He gives you the potion and leads you into the kitchen. At the back of the kitchen, well hidden is a small round door, which you have to crouch down to get through. Opening it, there it is, the bottom of that sea. A magical barrier prevents water from entering, but don't prevents anything else from entering or leaving. he tells you to drink the potion and go first. If you ask why... He needs to take off his clothes to turn into a merman, remember?

You do it and you appreciate that for a moment. Until you feel something pass you by very fast. “Baaa!” He surprises you with his cute baa, not the scary one. He's really excited to finally swimming with you. He would prefers to see you in merfolk form, but that would do for now.

He enjoys watching you swim, you do it in such a goofy way, it's funny. He messes with you a lot while you guys swim around. He also thinks it's funny how amazed you are at things he's so used to. Maybe he'll tell you things about the Coral Sea or show you things about the sea in general the you can find there in the Octavinelle sea. If what he tells you is truth or not, you're not sure.

And, after some time, like out of nowhere: “Oi, Koebi-chan...” he’ll wrap around your legs with his tail, embrace you with his arms and bring his face close to yours “I'm tired of swimmin’ around.” he pouts and then smiles, his eyes are cute but his smile is mischievous, one of his scary faces “And you still haven't paid me for getting you that potion.” he sees that you got a little scared and his normal happy face comes back “Hehehe. Don't be so scared. You don't have to pay me with money, that more an Azul thing. And it's boooooriiing. I'll let you pay me with some kisses. Landfolk also kiss on dates right? Koebi-chan~”

If you would like to read more from me, you can find it in my pinned post: INDEX

[a-d-nox]

Hi,

I’m a new follower and I love your body of work ♥️

I would love to know more about.

Sappho (asteroid 80) & Aphrodite (1388) in relation to my chart.

Sappho is Retrograde at 2 degrees of Leo 10th house.

Out of sign conjunction with Aphrodite in Cancer at 29 degrees 9th house.

Trine Pluto at 0 degrees of Sagittarius 2nd house.

I’m currently thinking about taking my poetry seriously, I’d love to know more about retrograde Sappho and how the asteroids and planets are working together in my chart and what it could indicate.

Thank you!!

sappho (asteroid 80), what's her sign/degree, where she sits in a chart, and her aspects

after receiving quite a few asks and comments (reminder: @r3dmusk ) about sappho aspects and placements i decided to continue the series!

notice: this is a post about sexuality and is mature in content.

all of this is in my opinion. some of it you may be like how tf did she come up with this. my answer: intuition and experience with other people's charts that i have available to me. warning i can be harsh: please don't take everything i say as predestined, astrology is possible outcomes not guaranteed ones. plus let's not forget orbs matter, dominance matters, etc. it's never just sappho. this is just a starting place for when examining a single asteroid in an entire galaxy. take what resonates and leave what doesn't!

*all of these observations are based on a natal chart - solar return and persona charts will change all these observations because the context is different*

!!! RETROGRADE MAKES ALL OF THESE THINGS LISTED BELOW SUPER STRESSFUL OR SLOW TO APPEAR IN YOUR LIFE !!!

signs/degrees

aries (1°, 13º, 25º): i feel like this person is the type to make a grand gesture in a relationship by writing poems for their person or even drawing/painting their person. they aren't particularly gifted but the gesture makes it obvious they are in love - or at least in lust with a person. their sexuality tends to air on the adventurous side - they will try anything once. they are definitely the initiator in a romance though. they aren't the type to wait for someone - they are the people who wanted to go first when presenting in school. and they are still a force to be reckoned with. that being said - they are ultra feminists; they don't mess around. no one messes with them and what they believe to be just.

taurus (2°, 14°, 26º): these people tend to be like the poetess herself - an artist at heart. they often dabble in some form of art as means to better express their emotions. sappho started writing poetry as a means to expression her devotion to others (such as aphrodite, eros, and those she admired). sometimes people can find their love suffocating. these people see the beauty in things that others may find to be average - they have a very appreciative eye when it comes to the beauty of all things. they tend to be rather open about their sexuality (they are feminist, LGBTQIA+ advocates, etc.). what they may want to be careful about concerning love is that they may love on a higher frequency then those around them - protect your heart and never lower your frequency if you end up hurt; the world needs more of you not less.

gemini (3°, 15°, 27º): these people tend to be appreciators. they notice beauty that goes otherwise overlooked. they see they beauty in the unpopular and somewhat messy art. they love chaos. art and poetry is meant to have a flow and these people enjoy when there is anything but that involved. they like books that don't end in a "happily ever after". they love communication that is messy - repartee and gossip are one of their favorite things because it shows just how much people care. why fight if their is nothing worth fighting for? why gossip if you aren't curious or jealous in some regard? it's that duality that they enjoy so much. without hatred there would be no real comparison to love. often they can convey sentiments like these with ease, however, their sentiments tend to be too bold in the form of communication both written and verbal.

cancer (4°, 16°, 28º): women love women - why is this such cottage core lesbian vibes - frankly, it's the earth signs too that give this vibe. but what is more sappho of lesbos than a cancerian influence? these people see the beauty in women and the beauty in nature - it's empress major arcana vibes to me. they exude ultra feminine energy - which needs to be explored for them sensually. they are very much receivers - if they attempt to chase someone, they like they will find themselves gravely hurt.

leo (5°, 17º, 29°): they are vibrant people who express themselves in very colorful and creative ways. they have an artistic eye and tend to be more so painters than anything else. sexually and romantically, these people are willing to try anything once. politically, they tend to be strong advocates for the rights of LGBTQIA+ individuals - they 100% are willing to be at every march they hear about so their voice is and their community is heard. love is love. every body for everybody. for these people there is no such thing as being too bold where love is concerned.

virgo (6°, 18°): these aren't the artist and poets of the world, these are the critics and editors. on the plus side, they know quality when they see it - they know how to appreciate true beauty and art. these people also tend to be self explorative in the sensual/sexual sense. they don't tend to explore sexuality with others until they understand their own bodies. these people aren't bold in the slightest when in love - they edit their thoughts and feelings and tend to overthink the situation. they can benefit from being a bit more carefree.

libra (7°, 19°): these are artistic people who love the aesthetic and they absolute love to curate the world around them. they are affectionate and friendly people - some may even say flirty. they explore sexuality with others even without sex being involved - they could do so via color evaluation, boudoir photoshoot, yoni retreat, etc. speaking of a yoni retreat - learning about their yoni and how to appreciate theirs is critical for learning about their sexuality and sensuality. they don't have much to be concerned about when it comes to being too bold in love - flowers and diamond rings are never too big or too bold with them.

scorpio (8°, 20°): this is another placement that needs some yoni exploration. they need to explore themselves sexually and sensually to recognize what they like and what they do not like. they are passionate people who need to learn their life direction before they can commit to another person - when they find the person they love, they will be their sole focus. which could be scary for those that they love because they can be obsessive and extreme when it comes to the connection. sex is of great importance to them and can be at the forefront of their relationships.

sagittarius (9°, 21°): these people have an abundance of talent. these are the people who write unforgettable prose that live rent free in the minds of many people. often writing is how they express themselves; they connect well with the written word. these are the people who will quote poetry and other romantic lines to those they care about. they have a lot of feelings when it comes to connecting with others, so it is of great importance that they work out their emotions before letting another person know how they feel lest they wish to scare their person away.

capricorn (10°, 22º): i feel like this is a person who has cut off their creative side in order to do something more practical. they need to figure out how to tap into their creative spirit. their ideas are worth while and it is okay to do something without thinking too deeply. it is important that they explore their limitations in a connection. not everything will make sense but that is okay. there is no order or correct answer when it comes to love - love isn't supposed to make sense 100% of the time. stop seeking commonsense when it comes to love.

aquarius (11°, 23º): i don't see these people as overtly artist but they do tend to know exactly what to say in most moments - they can rally nearly any crowd with their empowering speech. their hopes and dreams tend to reflect those of the people around them, they simply know how to say it best. if they are not be part of the LGBTQIA+ community - they are 100% likely to show up to advocate for others - they believe in equality for all and that no one should have to repress their true self like sappho likely did during her time and how she was repressed and likely straight-washed in myth. these people do have the danger of having a lot of hope where romance is concerned. they may believe that if they are outright and boldly express their emotions, they will be reciprocated or that their partner(s) will change to be the model person they want most. these people may have to come to the understanding that not every time they are vulnerable means that they are owed that vulnerability in return or that not everyone will change in the way they wish them to.

pisces (12°, 24º): these are poets and writers. these people don't mess around when it comes to love. they realize that love is an abstract concept that doesn't always make sense and they are comfortable with the idea of blind love. they aren't afraid to get their heart broken in that regard - "it is better to have loved than to never have loved at all" for them. these people are very feminine and know how to love with their whole being. it is important that they figure out how to spot red-flags though because while love is blind... it could just be selective color blindness. if people tell you that you are missing something that is important about your connections, listen to them. outsiders can sometimes see through the fog that you find yourself in romantically.

houses

1h: you are seen as imaginative and dreamy. others may believe that you might have your head in the clouds. you are likely someone who only comes back to earth when your desires have manifested. often sexuality radiates off of this person - though there tends to be some uncertainty in their sensuality. they take a lot of action on behalf of the feminist agenda - they are advocates. for these people their lust can be confused with their love. and cause issues in connections.

2h: i feel like these people waver sexually; sometimes they are super sexual and even hyper sexual and other times they are celibate or asexual. they either have a lot of sexual encounters or little to none. they do however have an abundance of talent when it comes to the world of creation and beauty. they also have a lot of love to give others. their ebb and flow in the romantically energetic world is likely to confuse others and might turn people off. it is important that they learn to articulate that they can't chase others 100% of the time instead they need someone to pursue them too. it is a give and take in the world of love - no one should be 100% on the take end nor should they be 100% on the give end.

3h: these people are poets - they love love and aren't afraid to express it. often their writing (hobby or otherwise) can present itself as short fragments that can pack a solid punch and light up the world for those around them. they inspire others to be more expressive and to share their feelings with others. unfortunately, for them there is a high chance that they will keep their feeling on the page rather than directly telling those they love. they likely struggle when it comes to communicating their sensuality aloud when there isn't a written reference. they have to learn how to be more adaptable where their emotions are involved - especially where they wish to include another person in them. nothing is more confusing than being approached by someone who just walks away without saying they meant to.

4h: your family can be rather political - you might come to join their school of thought (willingly or unwillingly) or you might strongly oppose them. for these people it is impossible to be truly themselves around their family (it is rare if they do and that might have everything to do with their aspects). sappho was forced into a connection. either you will find yourself fighting against the same arrangement or submitting to such concepts. often these people are politically strong willed; they wish to make their voice and the voices of their community strong whether that is the feminist community and/or the LGBTQIA+ community. sometimes these people find themselves picking their beliefs over their family.

5h: these people are artists and creative masterminds. they have a high aptitude when it comes to making things (canvas, tapestry, oil, sculptures, etc). very few mediums are likely out of their scope. they are likely to experiment when it comes to sexuality and sensuality. they find it amusing to surprise people in that regard. the more surprising they are the more turned on they are likely to be. they are likely to express their love in bold and creative ways that excite the people around them.

6h: these people may have a few jobs in which they are exposed to sexuality or art forms in some way - they could work in a diverse atmosphere or they may write for their living. these people may not wish to be married at any point in life and express it quite often as a limitation of the self (very much a "it's just a piece of paper" vibe) - love is something bigger than such an institution to them. their unwavering love may present itself in a workplace - forbidden love motif for sure. alternatively, they may have some sort of sexual health issue arise for themselves or their partner. it may be something unknown between them and it may do the relationship some harm (betrayal or fear is a strong possibility) - but if they both are willing to face it together all is likely to be just fine.

7h: often this placement makes for very artist people who use their partner as their muse. love for them is very open and very flexible - they might be pan or interested in an open relationship. they are very expressive when it comes to who and what they want in life. they don't mind competing for attention or proving that they are the better choice for a partner. they are bold people with the ability to both surprise and fluster their partner(s).

8h: they are very likely to produce a famous work of poetry and/or series of art that gains a lot of interest. they leave a fine legacy behind for generations of people to draw inspiration from. they are passionate individuals that use their intimacy with others to best express themselves. there is much for these people to explore when it comes to their sensuality. these people can be very intimidating in a romance. they have such a beautiful way with words/expression. their passion is unbeatable. and they frequently make people unsettled by the intimacy they share with others. their depth can scare people away is the short and sweet of things.

9h: these people love to explore the realm of art and writing - they are liberal arts people for sure. often these people are writers. they have a great love for poetry from all eras and style types. other then the artistic realm these people are very sexually and sensually explorative. they will try anything once.

10h: this person could be a professional artist or poet - they might even teach in these fields. they are esteemed professionals who often produce someone very popular in the realm of media. they could also be very open about their sexuality - they often advocate for women's rights and LGBTQIA+ rights. they are vastly known for having a lot of love for people; unfortunately, their love/feelings for others is often used against them.

11h: these people are aspirating artists and poets - depending on the aspects and sign/degree, some grow into rather gifted artists and poets. they are often sexually ambitious people who are willing to try anything once. they may even wish you find someone who is sexually open like them. they are, however, prone to bottling up their true sexual desires as they don't wish to be seen as too bold.

12h: these people love poetry and art as it tends to be intriguing to them and thusly causes them to seek a concentration in these areas... they are prone to obsession - these are truly starving artists. they are also obsessed with romance and love though often they worry about potential scandal about sharing their true self and desires - they tend to repress both. frequently, their unwavering loyalty to those they love is their downfall and causes them much woe.

aspects from sappho to

sun: positive aspects: often art or poetry is tied to who you are. you might be very skilled and recognizable for your creativity. you could receive a lot of attention in this regard. alternatively you might be someone who receives a lot of attention for their sexuality and sensuality. it might feel like your in the spotlight for your work or whoever you are dating most days. these people tend to be very involved with pride and other festivities that allow for the freedom to express the self and sexuality. negative aspects: you might feel as though your art receives very little attention despite it being cutting edge and different from what others praise in the mainstream. you might have a moment in the spotlight for your work but the vitality is likely short lived. this is the energy of a "one hit wonder". these people also have to be wary of pride surrounding their work - no one is without criticism and no work is prefect and without potential improvements. these people could be nervous about putting their sexuality and sensuality on display and are likely to seek validation in less public spaces. it might even excite them for no one to know what happens behind closed doors. they could also face public rejection when expressing their feelings which makes them wary to share them going forward.

moon: positive aspects: these are the true poets of the group. they use their poetry to express their emotions in a very lyrical manner. it could be a very comfortable way for them to express their sensuality and femininity. even if this person is masculine presenting, they tend to more aligned with their divine femininity when connected to the lyrical world of poetry. these people don't struggle to show their true feelings in the slightest - they care so much that it can make some people rather uncomfortable. its not so much insta-love as it is being really in touch with their true wants and desires. the feminine presenting individuals are more likely to be comfortably bisexual or lesbian and extremely comfortable with their feminine assets (breasts). negative aspects: these people come from a feminine line of artists and/or poets. often they struggle with the precedent that is set by those family members - they to want to create pieces that make others feel things but often if just leaves them feeling inadequate in comparison. these people often struggle to feel comfortable on multiple fronts. they often don't feel all that comfortable in the feminine sense - they likely were not briefed as they should have been on the changes that were happening to them in adolescence. they likely felt shocked and uncomfortable when they began menstruating or their breasts began developing - they likely hide those facets with a level of shame. these milestones marked for them the end of girlhood and just being them - now they have expectations of womanhood that make them feel like they were losing a semblance of themselves. that being said sensuality and sexuality likely made them rather uncomfortable - they likely repress/repressed a lot of these feelings. its just not within their comfort zone.

mercury: positive aspects: everything they say is beautiful. everything they think is beautiful. how they see the world is beautiful. so please don't forget to share it with others. naturally you are an introvert - you keep things quiet. journaling is likely something you really enjoy doing. your social media tends to be more artsy and less focused on you but more focused on things you enjoy doing. you have graceful mannerisms that are impossible to miss. everything is so lovingly curated and organized in your life. negative aspects: you aren't the most eloquent people - often the words "like", "um", "you know what i mean?", and profanity are part of your every conversation. often things sound better in your head than they do when you speak up. it is quite likely your perspective is different from reality - its rather surreal and it tends to be tainted by your opinion rather than reality. you aren't the most consistent/routine oriented people - journaling is sporadic, answering texts even more so (you will read it and say "i will respond later" but later doesn't come), and forget it on social media you often are on it too much watching everyone and everything carefully or not at all. often it seems like you have plenty of things too say but it might just be gossip...

venus: positive aspects: you love boldly and without stressing what others will think. society be damned. love is love. they are the next most likely, after moon aspects, to be bisexual or pansexual. they find beauty, love, and harmony in all their relationships without fail. i also feel like these are the people who remain friends with their exes. also important in the romantic realm of this person - their exploration of themselves. self-love and the exploration of sensuality is just as important as the love you provide others. these are feminist individuals who are likely to advocate for feminine rights as well as encourage exploration of themselves (yoni retreats, women only gyms, girls retreat, etc). while these people might not be poetic, they do value poetry and well spoken people. you are likely to be artists. negative aspects: there is something lazy about these people and the way they love others. you don't share anything about yourself easily. you aren't the most romantic. nor is sex a sensual experience - it is just sex. don't get me wrong you do enjoy sex - you like it a lot. but its often more about their pleasure than their lover's. something about these individuals has a masculine element too like they are uncomfortable with femininity - they try their hardest to not blend with the aesthetics associated or the expectations associated with the divine feminine (these people tend to be more tomboyish to me). these people may own a lot of art but it is unlikely they with find themselves making something they enjoy.

mars: positive aspects: you can create sexual poetic or artistic things. these people tend to be more passionate and creative. your sexual or sensual experiences fuel artistic endeavors, such as writing, art, or music. you likely express sensuality openly and creatively, leading to a more confident approach in matters of the heart, relationships, and sexuality. you likely feel comfortable and assertive in expressing your sexual desires and preferences, without hesitation or shame. there is balance between raw passion and refined emotional connection with these aspects. they tend to have relationships where both physical and emotional needs are well-expressed. they often explore different aspects of sexuality, including bisexuality/pansexuality, also they have a willingness to experiment and engage with their desires more openly. they tend to have a deep understanding of their needs and those of their partner. negative aspects: you might find yourself in relationships where there is a disconnect between physical desires and emotional desires. this aspect could manifest as feeling conflicted between wanting intense physical connections and needing a more emotional and sensual relationship. someone with these aspects might have strong sexual desires but feel ashamed or uncomfortable expressing them in a way that aligns with their emotional/mental vision of you they are / who they should be. they might find themselves being in a relationship with someone they love but feel uncomfortable asking for something sexual they enjoy out of fear they will be looked at differently. they tend to struggle with self-acceptance or face external resistance in expressing their true sexual identity and sexual desires. you might be someone who rush into relationships or sexual experiences without considering your emotional needs, leading to dissatisfaction or regret. alternatively, you may feel that your creative work is met with criticism, leading to discouragement or dissatisfaction with your artistic pursuits.

jupiter: positive aspects: you have enhanced artistic talents and self-expression, particularly in the realm of poetry, music, and/or other creative endeavors. you have an abundance of creative ideas and a natural flow in expressing them. you have a great appreciation for beauty, art, and culture, you seek opportunities for artistic growth and success. you approach love with generosity, optimism, and personal depth, leading to fulfilling partnerships. you are likely to explore your sensuality and sexual identity. you may find inspiration in travel, religion, and/or cultural exploration. you have the ability to be an artist and/or poet whose works have an impact; you can insight hope, optimism, and love. you have opportunities for success in artistic/creative fields. you can achieve public recognition, financial success, or widespread appreciation for your artistic works. negative aspects: you may tend to engage in sexual activities recklessly/excessively, without considering the emotional / long-term consequences. you may have unrealistic expectations in romantic relationships. this only tends to lead to disappointment when reality doesn’t live up to your idealized visions of love. you may overlook red flags in relationships, hoping for the best and assuming things will work out, only to be let down later. they might struggle with guilt / inner conflict around their sexual desires especially if they feel these go against their spiritual or moral beliefs.

saturn: positive aspects: you value commitment and stability in relationships; preferring deep, long-term connections over fleeting encounters. you like lasting bonds built on trust, reliability, and mutual respect. if you work in creative fields, you likely have a disciplined approach to honing your craft. you can create relationships that are not just passionate but also long-lasting and resilient. your creative works may hold a sense of realism, wisdom, and depth, reflecting the complexities of human emotion in a thoughtful, mature manner. your desires are often expressed in a way that is thoughtful, considerate, and respectful of boundaries. you have the ability to learn and grow from past romantic and sexual/sensual experiences. you may have a serious commitment to developing your artistic or poetic talents. diligence is likely to payoff. your dedication to the arts may lead to recognition for your skill, precision, and depth in expressing themes of love, beauty, and/or human emotion. you have a natural inclination towards showing love through actions, loyalty, and support, rather than grand gestures or overly idealistic expressions. negative aspects: you may have feelings of guilt, inhibition, and: or discomfort around sensuality and emotional expression. you likely struggles to embrace your desires; leading to self-denial or repression of natural impulses. you likely have the tendency to be overly reserved/cautious in romantic matters which leads to a cold/distant demeanor in relationships. you may have an inclination toward pessimism in love, always expecting challenges or disappointments, which can hinder the growth of a healthy, balanced relationship. alternatively you make experience blockages in artistic or poetic expression. you could be highly self-critical, doubting your creative abilities and feeling as if your work is never good enough. there could also be a fear of failure in creative pursuits, leading to procrastination, hesitation, and/or abandoning projects altogether. a fixation on the past can prevent them from moving forward and embracing new experiences in their romantic life. you might feel uncomfortable with the openness and intimacy required in deep emotional connections, leading to a preference for emotional detachment or avoidance of romantic entanglements.

uranus: positive aspects: you likely have a highly original artistic or poetic style. you are likely to be someone who embraces their sexuality in a way that’s both free and unconventional. you explore and express your desires without inhibition or conforming to societal norms. with this aspect you are likely to experience sudden and/or unconventional relationships. you likely advocate for gender equality and LGBTQ+ rights in a way that’s revolutionary or ahead of your time - using art, writing, and/or activism to challenge norms. you may use art, poetry, and/or your personal life to challenge taboos, express rebellion, or embrace shocking themes that push boundaries and inspire change. negative aspects: you may experience sudden bursts of inspiration followed by creative slumps, making it hard to consistently create. your artistic/poetic expression might feel scattered. you could have difficulty finding balance between personal freedom and intimacy, leading to sudden breakups or arguments in your love life. your individuality / progressive ideas about love and sexuality might alienate you from others, causing tension in friendships and/or familial relationships. you might have a tendency to rebel against traditional notions of love or gender roles in a way that is self-sabotaging. you might resist emotional vulnerability or act impulsively in romantic situations, leading to hurt feelings in a relationship. you might push boundaries to the point of discomfort, shock, and/or controversy. your behavior coming off as more chaotic than visionary.

neptune: positive aspects: you are highly inspired by love and beauty. what you create has a dreamy, ethereal quality. you have a natural ability to channel deep emotions into art, music, and/or poetry. you have a deeply romantic and compassionate nature. love to you is a transcendent, spiritual experience; you may often seeking connections that feel divine and otherworldly. in a relationship, you are likely to have an intuitive understanding of your significant others’ emotional needs. you have innate ability to be empathetic, compassionate, and kind. if you take part in deity work, your deities are likely to answer you in unexpected ways. negative aspects: you tend to have unrealistic expectations in love. you may idealize your partner and your relationship, only to feel disillusioned when reality doesn’t live up to your fantasy. this can result in disappointment, heartbreak, or unrequited love. you may have a tendency towards emotional avoidance and/or denial in that regard. you may struggle with creative blocks, feel overwhelmed by your imagination, or have trouble grounding your ideas into tangible form. this aspect can manifest as dishonesty or secrets in relationships. you either deceive yourself about your feelings or attract partners who are dishonest or elusive, leading to betrayal or confusion in love. you may give too much of yourself to your partner and losing your sense of identity. often you endure unhealthy relationships out of misguided loyalty or compassion. you may have unhealthy emotional attachments, obsessions, and/or infatuations. you might become captivated by someone/something unattainable, causing emotional turmoil or dissatisfaction.

pluto: positive aspects: relationships for you may feel fated/karmic, and can lead to significant personal growth. you might channel deep emotions, desires, and transformations into your art/poetry. your creativity could lead to bold, passionate works that explore themes of love, death, rebirth, and transformation. art for you might be cathartic. you are the most likely of the bunch to be seen as highly attractive and charismatic. your personal presence and your artistic creations are what makes you magnetic. you have the ability to process and release deep emotional wounds, using love, art, or poetry as a tool for your healing. you are willing to explore more taboo aspects of love, sexuality, and relationships. you embrace the darker / more intense aspects of love and desire. negative aspects: you know how sappho pitch herself of a cliff... you may experience intense feelings of infatuation or obsession in relationships, where you become overly fixated on a partner or idealized love. which can create an unhealthy dynamic and lead to emotional turmoil. you may struggle with issues of dominance and submission in your relationships, leading to toxic patterns or manipulative behavior. you may experience cycles of emotional highs and lows, leading to dramatic breakups or turbulent interactions that leave lasting scars. you may have a fear of vulnerability in intimate relationships. you may avoid genuine emotional connection due to fears of being hurt or overwhelmed, leading you to have more superficial interactions.

aphrodite (1388): positive aspects: you are someone who can call upon the goddess to assist you in matters of love, and she reassure you that your desires will be fulfilled. you will find you have a responsive deity, willing to intervene on your behalf. she will help you to navigate the complexities of love and giving you confidence. you naturally have a sense of personal power and control in love. your muse is beauty and emotional depth - it can be seen in your artistic works. negative aspects: you may only approach divinity in moments of deep pain or when faced with unrequited love. even with divine intervention, your romantic life is likely fraught with emotional suffering. you have lack of control/power over your own love life. there is a sense of helplessness or lack of autonomy when things don't work out how you expect them to. even divine favor cannot fully prevent the pain, longing, and/or rejection that come with human love.

eros (433): positive aspects: intense emotional experiences, allowing you to feel and express love and desire with greater depth and passion. you make rather compelling and evocative works. the intensity of longing and desire may spark artistic creativity, allowing you to explore love in all its emotional and physical dimensions. you may have a profound understanding of the shared human experience of love and desire. your art may highlights the sweetness and joy that comes from love, even amid its challenges. negative aspects: this can manifest as intense emotional suffering. the feelings of heartache, longing, and despair are likely very familiar to you. love can feel vulnerable, powerless, or all-consuming to you, which can be overwhelming and destabilizing. you may intensely long for someone who does not return the same feelings, resulting in frustration, loneliness, and emotional suffering. desire can often feel like a burden.

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[thebrilliot]

As a straight white cis dude, I find it entirely rude that other straight white cis men are not trying to teach me to love myself and others, and instead are selling me cryptocurrency and superhero stories. Don't give me that fake hero-and-money-glorifying crap. Give me the real stuff, like being a kid of divorced parents and trying to survive high school, or a multi-generational story all about community and family in a mountain town in Colorado, or making an unlikely friend in the big city, or even good romance.

Do you know how good girls have it reading literature written by women for women about real women's struggles? Book stores are alive because of women's literature. They're packed full to the brim with books written by women for other women. They're just writing poetry back and forth to each other! It's beautiful! These women love each other! Meanwhile, the only thing I can find that is written for men is sci-fi and fantasy and geez it's all the same thing. I don't need fantastical anymore. I don't want to spend another 6 hours figuring out the story behind your world. I don't care if it's epic and grand. Give me some good, reality-grounded, relatable stuff.

Here's what I want to happen in pop culture. I want men to say, "let's talk about forgotten people in history and lift each other up and support each other" which is Six the Musical's message to women. Which is way healthier than what men write for men. Don't try to convince me that I should idolize a founding father who pulled himself up by his bootstraps (by marrying into an influential family where both daughters were in love with him - and note that there is no evidence that Angelica Schuyler ever had feelings for Alexander Hamilton - because who else would I want to idolize other than a man whom women find irresistibly attractive) and single-handedly against all odds created the American financial system, cheated on his wife, paid hush money to keep cheating on his wife, then publicly revealed the affair because he would rather be seen as a cheater than a traitor to his country because hOnOr Is So ImPoRtAnT, then got his son and himself killed in two different duels because AGAIN hOnOr Is So ImPoRtAnT. Nowhere in the entire plot of Hamilton did Alexander Hamilton actually do something purely because he cared about someone else. The revolutionary war and every political dispute was fought and won through pride and stubbornness. John Laurens died in a different part of the country. He didn't pause his work to spend time with his family. He didn't abandon honor to protect himself or his family.

I didn't mean for this to be a rant about Hamilton, but it is a great example of the literature and art that men create for other men. Great music, pacing, etc. but riddled with things that keep bothering me about patriarchy. Stop telling me to be a hero that does everything by himself. Just tell me how to be happy and love the people I love! Don't tell me that because I'm average and feel overlooked that there's actually something special about me that makes me some sort of chosen one. That's not real! I already got told enough of those lies in school. I grew up in gifted and talent student programs through grade school and they told me the same thing. "YoU'rE gOiNg To ChAnGe ThE wOrLd." Actually, probably not, but because I'm a good kid and just the right amount of neurodivergent, I'm going to take you seriously and put an unhealthy amount of pressure on myself and also then fail to reach any of my vague and lofty goals, especially because no one is telling boys and men that community is a crucial part of human life, happiness and fulfillment, mental health, change and progress, and personal growth and accomplishment.

Maybe I don't want to change the world, and maybe I don't want to do things all by myself, and maybe I don't want to rely on finding a wife and having children as a way to find or create a community or a support system. Maybe I get fulfillment out of things other than fame and sex. Where are the men who are writing to me as an audience?

Anyway, the patriarchy sucks. Fuck patriarchal messaging. I reject that. Men, be better. Write something worthwhile for once.

[bestshirtcanbuy]

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[deardiaryxo1]

Dear Diary,

I've decided to start writing a diary here, a place where I can pour out my emotions and thoughts without fear of anyone ever stumbling upon it. 🤫

High school can be such a whirlwind of emotions, and I desperately need an outlet to put my feelings on something 🫠.

You see, there's this guy that I'm head over heels in love with, but he doesn't even know I exist lol

Every day, I see him walking through the halls, he is year older. He's …..HOOOOOOT. 😱😭 But there's one problem - he already has a girlfriend.🙂

It's hard for me to understand why he's with her. She seems more interested in the idea of dating someone as attractive as him, rather than truly being in love with him. She's the popular girl, the one everyone adores. With her blond hair and blue eyes, people say she's the most beautiful girl in school. But honestly, I don't see it. To me, she just looks like an average popular girl from any other school.

It's frustrating to watch them together, knowing that I could offer him so much more. I see the way he gazes at her, hoping to find a connection that seems to be missing. I yearn for him to see me 😭

But for now, I'll keep my feelings hidden, locked away inside the pages of this diary. I'll continue to watch him from afar, silently cheering him on in my heart. Maybe, just maybe, someday he'll notice me and see beyond the facade of popularity.🫠

Anyways, let’s get to the small twist of this all lol {DRUM ROLL} 🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

You see, for the past two weeks, I have been talking to him on Facebook, but there's a twist to the story - he doesn't know it's me. 😭😂

Let me explain.

I created a fake Facebook account, using a different name and all info, and approached him with a weird shit story lol I told him that I had seen him around and blah blah blah and surprisingly, he went along with it.

The chats have been going on for two weeks now, and we've developed quite a bond. 🫠 We talk about our days (as if I don’t know his day 🥲). It's quite amusing to listen to him sharing his experiences, knowing I already have insight into his life.

I must admit, it's become a bit of a best friend conversation, despite the fact that most of what I've told him is a lie.

However, amidst all these lies, there is one truth that I've stuck to - my name. I may have created a fake persona, but my name remains unchanged. Perhaps it's because deep down, I believe that honesty should be at the core of any relationship, even if it's built on deception.

I find it intriguing how easily we've formed a connection, despite the dishonesty that lurks behind every message. We seem to have a lot in common, and it's effortless to keep our conversations flowing. Yet, there's a part of me that wonders how long I can maintain this charade without it coming crashing down. 😫

I can't help but wonder how he would react if he discovered the truth. Would he be angry, hurt, or understanding? Would he appreciate our connection enough to overlook the lies I've told? It's a risk that I knowingly took, but now it keeps me up at night, wondering about the potential consequences. 😭

As the days pass, the situation with him becomes increasingly complicated. It seems that he is eager to take our online connection to the next level, suggesting meeting up or casually saying hello in person. This puts me in a precarious position, as I am torn between maintaining the facade and coming clean about my true identity.

Whenever he brings up the subject of meeting, I find myself crafting feeble excuses to avoid the situation. 😩 So far, my excuses have been successful in diverting his attention away from the idea. But deep down, I know that this cannot go on forever. Sooner or later, I will have to confront the truth and make a decision about how to proceed.

Maybe I am selfish but let me say one thing - whatever is going on is better than nothing 🥹

Yours sincerely,

A Hopeful Hearty

[parfumieren]

Iris Taïzo (Parfumerie Générale)

Every time I sit down to write about Iris Taïzo, I find myself tongue-tied. It wouldn't be a lie to say that its beauty renders me mute. But so standoffish is this perfume that as I attempt to plumb the true depths of its character, it evades me at every turn.

Perhaps this behavior is par for the course. Despite all its fame as the costliest of perfume materials, the difficile iris tends to shun the spotlight. Woody, austere, and somewhat melancholic, it sticks to the background of many fine fragrances, lending profundity and depth from a safe place in the shadows. Whatever extroverted floral notes may be heaped atop it, it bides its time and outlasts them all.

And yet, iris rarely smiles, and even more rarely sings. It's a hard note to get to know-- and an even harder one to put out of mind.

Unlike other flowers, whose showy aerial parts produce all the perfume magic, iris is prized solely for its rhizome. To be used in perfume, the iris rhizome must be cared for by hand until it reaches maturity. Then it is unearthed, cleaned, peeled, dried, and allowed to rest in utter darkness for up to five years, during which a slow chemical transformation unlocks its fragrant constituent. What nature begins, scientific steam distillation finishes. The end result of this torturous ordeal is a thick, fatty substance known as orris butter, the terrifying cost of which emphasizes its supreme position as the perfume industry's artisanal gem.

After going through all of this, no wonder the iris has an attitude.

Spending time with Iris Taïzo, I feel as though I'm trying in vain to chat up someone who refuses to speak to, look at, or even sit facing me. This is one dark perfume-- serious, slightly forbidding, not at all sweet or innocent. By way of a parallel, it seems to me to hold the same comparative relationship to the average floral bouquet as the ancient Aztec xocolatl -- bitter, black, laced with annatto and cayenne, subtly ceremonial -- does to prepackaged hot chocolate with marshmallows.

The comparison is not only metaphoric. Deeply earthy orris root and raspy aoud combine with the bitterest, blackest chocolate powder you can imagine, bound together by a curiously tarry, crystallized honey note and smoothed over by bourbon-tinged vanilla... Yet, for all these extremes of aroma, it's nowhere near as assertive as it could be. You would have to apply quite a few layers for Iris Taïzo to seem overwhelming, and the sillage is next to zilch. On skin as in bottle, it stands back and forces others to approach.

Despite all of this, Iris Taïzo is perfectly delectable. If I stay quiet, ask no questions, make no sudden moves, it occasionally rewards me with the shyest of smiles. I discover that I am willing to overlook its cagey personality for the privilege of being let in on its secret.

Scent Elements: Fig honey, iris, Mexican vanilla, cardamom, agarwood

[thorntonkrell-blog-blog]

The Complete Vigil

If I were to engage either artificial ghost writers Casper or Jasper, I would want to test them first. It's pretty clear that Ice has a great appreciation for Richard Boone and the 1950's adult Western teevee series "Have Gun Will Travel"

Let's see how well Jasper can recap an episode of Have Gun Will Travel called The Vigil (A lesson in charity ) in the style of Ice Rivers.

Or is it me in the style of Jasper in the style of Ice Rivers?

Unt here vee go

As always, the episode begins in San Francisco in the Clermont Hotel. An inebriated Paladin is laughing uproariously and kissing a dark haired beauty who's wearing black elbow length gloves. He's playing a game of high stakes poker. His burning cigar is in the ashtray. Overlooking the scene is Adella Forsythe, a well dressed and demure woman clearly out of place in this den of debauchery.

Adella tells Heyboy that she would like to speak to Paladin now "while he' s still standing."

Heyboy says that Paladin won't speak to her now as he has just returned from 2 months of perilous jeopardy and is so tired that he "can't even sleep"

Adella observes that he "doesn't seem too tired to debauch himself"

Heyboy defends Paladin, "He unwinds best in front of evil companions."

Adelle counters, "if he's not too tired to indulge simultaneously in four amusements anyone of which would be enough to ravage the health of an ordinary man."

Gamblin'

Wimmin'

Drinkin'

Smokin'

"He will not do what you want."

"It takes money to live the way that he does," Adella says as she drops some money into Hey Boy's plate to bring to Paladin

Paladin is sitting at the poker table during this conversation and raising the bet $250 while snuggling with the brunette in the alluring gloves. Heyboy shows Paladin the money that Adelle has put in his plate. Paladin glances at Adelle, then he puts his cigar in the mouth of the brunette and tells her to play his cards. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. (It's unclear how much money is in the pot before Paladin's raise of the bet, so let's consider only the raise of $250. The average American worker was making about $135 dollars a year.)

Adella introduces herself to Paladin while he offers her a taste of his champagne. Adella is taken a back when Paladin presents his card "Have Gun Will Travel"

Bomp, Bomp Bomp didda didd dah

Adella turns down the bottle and reveals that she is a nurse. Her father is a preacher who considers nursing an immoral occupation.

Adella explains where she wants Paladin to take her by holding up a headline from the Weekly Nugget which reads "GOLDFIELD NEVADA MOURNS PASSING OF ONLY DOCOR WITHIN !)) MILES.

Paladin wonders if Adella's offer to help has been accepted by the town. She shows Paladin a want ad posted in the paper. Doctor desperately needed….mining accident…30 injured…. some dying….need a Doctor not a nurse.Paladin listens quizzically before asking the essential question, "Why would you press your services upon those who don't want them?"

Adella reponds " I spent 4 years preparing myself and now I find that I'm not wanted. I feel like a woman who has carried a child and is not permitted to bring it into the world. A woman still needs to care, to comfort and to protect, in short to be a nurse."

Kinda first wave feminism

Paladin is touched by Adelleas kindness and although he's still drunk and sleepless. He agrees to accompany Adella if she'll "give me one day to catch up on my sleep, I'll take you anywhere you wanna go."

Adelle looks deeply onto Paladin's eyes and insists that with men dying without a doctor she won't wait another hour much less another day. "You will take me now, or I will go alone."

After riding non stop through rugged mountains, the hungover Paladin picks a place to camp. Adelle asks Paladin if he's "too tired to continue." Paladin retorts that it's the "horses that need a rest". Adelle says that it's only 2 or 3 more hours to their destination. Paladin's got an answer for that, "distrust yourself of sleep before you fight, t'is not too late tomorrow to be brave." as he climbs down from his horse.

Adella begins to climb down from her horse and opines, "the world could come to an end but a man must have his sleep."

Ever the gentleman, Paladin helps Adella down from her horse and says, "to a tired man, the world comes to an end every night.

Exasperated, Adella goes for the last word, "if the Good Lord had entrusted men with the task of childbirth, this planet would be as empty as the moon."

Paladin interprets Adella's reluctance to camp as a fear of intimacy.

"Miss Adella, I'm well aware that a woman of your high moral standard would much prefer to spend a night with a man on horseback, I can only assure you that were you to arouse the bestial side of my nature, I'm much too tired to do anything at all about it."

They begin to make camp when they hear voices in the distance. Adella insists that they visit their neighbors as someone might need help.

The neighbors, Deke and Reamer, are putting rocks upon a freshly dug grave. The neighbors offer Adellea some fresh snow water from their canteens and wish they could offer her more but "that's all we been goin' on for three days now."

Always nurturing and concerned for others, Adella suggests, "we'd be gald to share some of our supplies with you, wouldn't we Mr. Paladin?"

Paladin isn't thrilled with the idea but remains silent.

Paladin wonders who or what has just been buried.

Deke says that it was their partner Lucifer who "took the Injuns arrow in the back."

Paladin is suspicious and starts asking questions which annoys Adelle.

Deke (played by George Kennedy) wonders if Paladin is a lawman.

Paladin assures Deke that he's not a lawman but there's surely a lawman in the next town and that he intends to make a report on the grave to the lawman and "they can send somebody after you."

Deke and Reamer are clearly upset.

"we don't know nuthin."

Deke wonders if Paladin is accusing them of foul play. Reamer takes clear offense. Paldan insists that it is no private interest to him whether or not that man has an arrow in his back but as a citizen he would bear some responsibility if he kept thie situation quiet. Reamer pushes the edge of the envelpe and insists that he's not about to let Paladin accuse him of mudering his best friend without holding Paladin to account. Adella tries to ease the tension by advising Paladin to back off because "the boy is nearly out of his mind with hunger."

Deke also tries to avoid a battle and suggests that everyone accept Paladin's apology and move forward. Paladin assures the others that he has NOT apologized and heads back towards his horse. Reamer pulls a knife and charges Paladin from behind. Adella screams. Paladin draws his gun and shoots Reamer. Adelle rushes to the aid of Reamer and accuses Paladin of trying to kill an "unarmed boy."

Paladin hands Adelle the knife that she failed to notice. She puts the knife into her medicine bag.

Deke points out that Adella shouldn't blame Paladin for shooting Reamer, "I reckon a suspicious soul who's always thinking evil thoughts about his fellow man out of sheer self-preservation better be handy with a shooting iron."

Deke casts further shade on Paladin when he recalls a grave that he once saw down in Arkansas that had a " motto carved on it in another language which translated to 'evil to him which evil thinks' ".

Adella is administering to a wounded Reamer. Deke watching over the tender care figures that Reamer hasn't been treated with such kindness since the day "His Ma pushed him out of the nest with barely enough meat on his bones that he could barely sit up although he growed up to be a mighty handsome lad."

Paladin interrupts Deke with more suspicion to which Deke responds, "blame if you don't sound like one of them lawmakers always carrying on about bits and pieces and doodads that plain folks wouldn't give a second thought to." He claims that the arrow is still in the dead man's back because if they had pulled it out, it might cause a leak and all that blood come rushin out at once."

Adella is attending to Reamer's wounded arm and says to Paladin "you're not a good shot." Paladin responds tha he hit Reamer "exactly" where he wanted to hit him.

Deke approaches Paladin who instinctively draws his gun. Adella observes, "Is it impossble for a man to feel like a man without a weapon in his hand?"

Sometimes a gun is just a gun.

Reamer grasps Adella's hand and proposes that she should disengage from Paladin and that he and Deke would take her "anywheres" she wanted to go. She declines his offer and empathizes with Paladin. "I suppose he can't help being what a life of viloence has made him."

Paladin over hearing the conversation expresses his exasperation by raising his eyebrows and shaking his head just as if he is imbibing a shot of nasty moonshine whiskey.

The next morning Paladin awakens with further suspicion. He wakes up Deke because he still wants to see that arrow. Paladin wants to make sure that the Injuns killed the partner and not his own friends. Deke agrees to open the grave and "disturbing a man's eternal rest."

Adella observes Paladin's behavior and concludes that "it must be a terrible thing not to trust anybody or anything." Reamer complains of great thirst and implores Adella to fetch him some water. Adella steps away and Reamer reaches into her medicine bag and retrieves his knife which he conceals under a blanket.

Deke and Paladin are a few yards away taking the marker off the top of the gravesite. Deke wonders what Paladin intends to do if when they reach the dead body, there is no arrow. Paladin reaches for his gun in reply and directs Deke to "pick up those rocks."

Adella returns to Reamer who immediately pulls out the concealed knife and puts it to her throat. Paladin notices this and is distracted enought long enough for Deke to disarm him. The two men begin to brawl. Paladin gains an advantage and reaches for his weapon but Reamer with his knife blade at Adella's throat tells Paladin to drop his weapon which he does. Deke grabs the weapon and points it at Paladin. Reamer assured Adella that Deke is a "peaceful man who would never kill anybody." Reamer says all they want are horses so they can get out of the area before "small minded people arrive and miscarry justice with suspicion and a noose."

Deke and Reamer begin to take the horses when Deke notices Paladin's boots and surmises they might look good on Reamer. Reamer seems to agree but wonders what they should do with Adella. Deke says "you know we ain't got time enough for THAT. She's a mighty fine woman but she ain't worth hangin' for."

Deke climbs aboard Paladin's horse, still hiding Paladin's weapon. Paladin, unarmed, bootless and unhorsed asks Deke if they will send somebody back for them. Deke says "don't worry about that because you ain't goin' nowhere." He points Paladin's gun at Paladin. Adella screams. Paladin pulls out a concealed Derringer and shoots Deke. He retirieves the knife from Reamer and slaps it into Adella's hand. Reamer falls to his knees and begs Adella, "please, please don't let him take me."

Paladin pulls Reamer from his knees and ties him to his horse.

With Reamer disabled, disarmed and tied to his horse, Paladin and Adella climb into their saddles. Paladin asks Della "which way?" Adella responds, "you think I should turn back don't you? I should stop imposing my help where it isn't wanted?" (These are of course the essential questions that this entire parable is about).

Should we all retreat from a situation in which our help is not wanted?

Should we be suspicious of strangers we meet along the way?

Do we need to unbury a body to check for arrows?

Paladin asks, "Is Goldfield still without a doctor." Adelle nods. Paladin understands and responds, "it's not too late tomow to be brave."

They head off to Goldfield which answers the essential question.

And OBTW.

In case you haven't guessed by now, this is me and not Jasper.

To hell with Jasper.

I don't need him yet nor do I want him. I'm suspicious.

When the time comes, I might take Casper or rather my grandchildren's children might choose Casper. My legacy, whatever it is belongs to the future. I hope the vigil helps clarify exactly what I mean.

[anika-ann]

Love on the Brain - part 5

Ch5: Harmony

Type: MCU x Criminal Minds crossover series

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader    Word Count: 8500

Summary: You cannot sleep, your past haunting you as well as the horror-like scenarios of what this case could turn into. You figure you might as well do something useful; little do you know you’re not the only one still awake.

Series masterlist

Warnings: series includes criminal behaviour such as stalking or kidnapping; graphic violence, gun violence; (mentions of) death; allusions to dub-con; possible PTSD and flashbacks; sexual innuendos and foul language. Loads of fluff and teasing. I’m covering my bases here to make sure - probably sounds worse than it is. If you’re interested in specific warnings for individual chapters, let me know.

A/N: divider by @firefly-graphics​; This one is pretty LONG, but it has plenty of fluff before we dive back into the investigation, so… yay? If you want to split it, the best moment to do that is after Jones leaves the conference room.

“Two people in love, alone, isolated from the world, that's beautiful.” ― Milan Kundera

Your huff of exasperation was quiet, but in the silence of the night, it bounced off of the walls and sounded like a scream for help.

Which was exactly what you felt like doing.

For the hundredth time, you rolled over to your other side, fluffed your pillow and tried to get comfortable in the bed. Vain and slow effort. Every movement felt heavy, your limbs as if having to work through thick layer of honey instead of air; you were exhausted. Physically and mentally drained.

But the sleep still wasn’t coming.

You tried meditating. You tried breathing into every inch of your body, forcing yourself to relax, but there were particular muscles that just wouldn’t give in: your brain and your heart.

They were racing each other, trying to best the other at the speed they were working with; your heart was thundering against your ribcage, shaking it with each beat, rushing at least 100 per minute. And that was when you tried to slow your breathing.

Your mind was a whole different competitor; it offered you a mess of thoughts, cutting through your brain sharp and quick, a perfectly precise sensory hell where reality was hardly distinguishable from a nightmare. And in between all your field experience, all your failures, all horror stories your mind could possibly come up with, starring Steve’s or Meyers’ dead eyes, were the words of your teammates, presenting you with a profile just ten minutes before you retreated to bed.

Like the worst bedtime story ever.

“Alright. Based on what we already know, it seems reasonable to build a profile we can later add to,” Hotch sighed as he eyed the digital clock informing you it was almost eleven.

Both teams were scattered around the room in various state of doziness some still sharp, some nearly sleeping as they stood.

“Agreed. We can narrow the search further later, but I feel that what we’ve got is already pretty solid,” Emily said, exchanging a wordless nod with Spencer and Hotch.

“Good. The unsub is likely a white female in her late twenties or thirties. We do have an approximate height and body type due to Stark’s findings as well. Her experience with staying hidden tell us that it is highly probably she is working for the Avengers Initiative or she was until very recently. She’s is intelligent, highly organized and extremely capable. Her results in the field will speak for themselves, but she is usually not praised for her excellent performance and might feel underappreciated at the workplace. She is of average looks, likely attractive, but only to a second glance.”

“She may appear mentally stable,” Spencer added when Hotch paused, taking over, “but we are likely to find a sealed juvie record or a minor offence from the past you have overlooked when recruiting her, because she was without incident for certain period of time when no major stressor occurred. In the past months, she would have received news that shook her world and made her fixate on Captain Rogers as her saviour, her idol. She would have plenty of time on her hands to be able to stalk him, which should help us eliminate a significant number of suspects.”

Peripherally, you saw Clint and Natasha nod to themselves, knowing it was something they would pay special attention to.

You shuddered when you realized how many women Reid was still talking about.

Emily continued.

“The fixation is of narcistic nature. She finds the women Steve deals with not adequate and there is a strong possibility that the crucial factor to that is that there are not of law enforcement. Recently, a secondary trigger made her reach out for the first time – or at least reach out successfully for the first time. Assumption would be that she is not to be a threat to Captain Rogers as of now, however we do need to bear in mind that she has stolen bullets specifically meant to incapacitate him, even kill him. When this kind of a stalker snaps and kills the object of their affection, it is when they feel betrayed by them. So far, she seems to be blaming the women he meets. Unfortunately, there is no telling when she turns against him; which is why we advise for Steve not to leave the premises and to always be accompanied by an Avenger or another highly trustworthy agent.”

Her eyes flickered to you, the briefest of smiles on her lips. You felt Spencer’s and Steve’s eyes on you as well, as if telling you the circle of those agents was very small if not consisting of you only.

“We’re going to regroup in the morning. Now, I suggest we all sleep on this and come back tomorrow with clear eyes,” Hotch suggested, earning several hums of agreement. “Goodnight, everyone.”

You had lingered in the room, bidding the BAU team goodnight longer than you should have as you made sure they had been shown their bedrooms before. It lead to Natasha being the one to walk Steve back to his quarters with only a whispered goodnight as they left the room.

Now, you regretted not checking personally that he was still unharmed; a ridiculous notion given the fact the Black Widow herself had been with him, yet a very real nag on your thoughts as you laid in one of the guest rooms, staring blankly ahead.

The memory of the profile presented haunted you, having sent your mind into overdrive as you tried to figure out whether you had encountered a person who’d fit the description at the A.I. The faces of recruits and agents seemed hazy, one image melting into another before you could grasp it, let alone remember a name.

You should have checked on Steve; like you should have checked on Kyle Meyers.

You had failed to keep your stupid promise over two years ago; now, you had made a promise to yourself and no one else. Only you were already breaking it. You needed to truly give everything to this case and you weren’t doing that. You should be looking at the photos from the stalker, millimetre by millimetre again, looking for the smallest detail that would have clued you about the unsub.

The unsub… what if the statistics were wrong and you were actually dealing with a male offender with a female pawn? What if the patience of the unsub had to do with a technician rather than an agent? Or a laboratory worker? Hell, Nazi doctors were said to nothing but meticulous-- and wasn’t it ironic you thought of the second world war in relation to its best-known hero.

A hero who needed saving and whom you were no help if you tossed and turned all night, feeling hot and cold at once, doing nothing.

“Oh, for fucks sake,” you whined as you threw away the covers, sitting up and swinging your legs over the edge of the bed so fast your head spun for a moment.

Once your eyes focused again, you flicked the nightstand lamp on, your gaze finding the outlines of the universal kit of clothes Tony always had in stock in the Tower guestrooms; including the pyjama set you were wearing now, consisting of shorts and a t-shirt.

Every piece of clothing – minus underwear – had the Avengers Initiative logo on it. And yet, for some reason, your t-shirt had a huge image of Captain America’s shield on it, the pyjama shorts peppered with tiny copies of it.

You didn’t have to guess whose doing that was; but you didn’t want to waste time examining Tony’s sense of humour.  

You grabbed after the hoodie on top, slipping it on. It was a little big for you, but you didn’t mind. When you happened to borrow Steve’s hoodie – steal, Sparkles, it’s called stealing if you conveniently keep forgetting to give it back, he’d say – it tended to serve almost as a dress. Compared to that, this thing was almost form-fitting.

You went to get a cup of coffee – more for your heavy limbs than your already frantic brain – and headed to the conference room, only to hesitate by the doorway.

Of course he was still there; and somehow, the heavy feeling in your stomached eased with the revelation.

Hunched over the paper files – because paper was so much better than all this electronics stuff and several researches showed that people are more likely to learn better from printed or written text – finger sliding down each page as not to miss a line with how quickly he was reading, Spencer was going through the stacks of paper piled up so high it almost hid him from view.

Now he was giving everything to this case; like he always did.

Smiling fondly, you walked through the automatic door, having him look up with a startle. You weren’t sure if it was the soft sound or the aroma of freshly brewed coffee that got his attention: Spencer was like a bloodhound when it came to caffeine.

“Hey,” he blurted out, straightening in his chair as he eased the cross-legged position.

“Hey Spence. You onto something?”

He only shook his head when you beckoned to the pile of files he had clearly already went through.

You felt a pang of a disappointment, but then again, that was Spencer; the fact that he hadn’t found anything was exactly what was bugging him, fuelling his determination to crack the mystery of it.

“Not really. I just want to go through it again, try different angles just to make sure. Want to check we didn’t miss anything so far.”

You nodded to yourself, planting the cup on the table as you sat down two seats from him.

“Okay. Then let me help,” you offered, raising one corner of your lips in a self-deprecating smile when he frowned at you. “I know I’m not as fast of a reader and that I don’t have an eidetic memory, but…”

“It’s not that,” he muttered in protest, eyes flickering between your tired face and your cup of a killer coffee. “You should be asleep.”

You slowly arched your left eyebrow, a wordless callout to the hypocrite he was being when saying that. Lips pressed together, he smiled, guilty.

“So should you.”

“Yeah, maybe, but I’m not the one under higher emotional distress,” he pointed out.

Despite his kind tone, the remark only pissed you off. You crossed your arms crossing on your chest defensively, chin lifting.

Yeah, you noticed you were under emotional distress; you were irritable, restless and the past mistakes you’d hate to repeat were screaming in your face. There was no need to remind you of that.

Your emotional distress was the sole reason you were here in the first place. Not that you would admit that out loud; not that you had to, because Spencer had probably read you the second you had entered. But you weren’t going to give him the satisfaction of telling him you knew that either.

“Whatever. Not like I can sleep.”

“So… you thought another cup of coffee would help your insomnia. Obviously,” he stated matter-of-factly, lips twitching in good-natured humour.

Bastard.

It was hard to be brisk with him when he was like this – or ever. You uncrossed your arms, relaxing into your seat.

“You wanna say that again, Spence? Call me out on the amount of caffeine I consume?” you challenged him back, eyeing the three empty cups of humanity’s most common drug he had no doubt downed earlier.

“Coffee helps me think faster,” he explained with a shrug.

A snort escaped you, making him frown in offence. “Yeah, that’s the point, genius.”

“I know! Did you know that caffeine blocks adenosine receptors in human brain?” he blurted out, eyes lighting up with excitement – the unmistakable signature excitement that appeared when he was about to- “Adenosine and caffeine have very similar chemical structure, so caffeine binds to the adenosine receptor. That prevents the normal effect of adenosine, which is to supress psychological activity, to occur. As a result, caffeine has a stimulating effect on the nerve cells activity.”

-babble. Spencer’s expression clearly hadn’t changed, still the same whenever he was about to go on about fascinating, yet not necessarily momentarily useful facts.

You bit your cheek, hiding the fond smile at his endearing habit – and sometimes a little annoying one, like now when you came here to get some work done –, his hands vaguely demonstrating his point.

“Of course, the brain is not the only organ affected, adenosine receptors are also present in-“

“Spencer! Spence-“ you interrupted him with a chuckle, causing him to stop mid-sentence and grimace as he realized his mind wandered off, “tell me what I can do to help.”

“…sorry.”

“It’s fine. Incidentally, I did know that. I remember you told me before,” you explained gently, bringing a pleased smile that warmed your heart on his face.

“Well, it’s nice to see someone is paying attention…” he hummed.

Your lips parted, heart fluttering in compassion; the whole team, including you, took Spencer’s amazing brain and his help for granted, not showing appreciation for his vast knowledge – and him –frequently enough. You had made it your mission before to tell him more often that he was well-loved and important, but you all forgot sometimes when you caught up in the web of your own problems.

He reminded you of Steve in that aspect; someone who carried the weight of the world, not asking much in return, wonderful in so many ways… but had only few of their personal or professional qualities recognized and openly appreciated.

And yet, each team would fight tooth and nail to protect the man in question; because just because one didn’t say so on daily basis, he could still love someone. You knew that both Spencer and Steve were very much loved – no one just told them as often as they should.

You willed your lips to curl up as you reached out and ruffled Spencer’s already messy hair, having him push your hand away half-heartedly.

“We’re always listening, Spence,” you assured him, your smile widening for a second before your gaze turned back to the files. “Now tell me what I can do.”

Instead of looking at the files, his eyes lingered on you, carefully examining your face. He tilted his head to side, brows furrowing; a sign of the wheels of his brain turning like mad.

“You’re not the not the only one who pays attention,” he said lowly. “I’m not saying this to anger you, but speaking strictly protocol, you are a person of interest with an undeniable bias, considerable one at that. You shouldn’t even be here, shouldn’t be involved in the investigation.”

All traces of good humour left you at once, blood running cold. Your gut on the other hand, started to heat up dangerously.

He couldn’t be serious.

He couldn’t mean that bullshit.

Whenever anyone of the team was involved in a shitstorm, all of you were there, bias or no bias, working twice as hard.

No, Reid was just pulling your leg inappropriately; he didn’t mean that. Especially not when it came to you. Of all people in the bureau, he was the one closest to you and vice versa. Yes, you had left, but you would never think that changed things so much.

But somehow, Spencer’s face showed no hint of teasing; his features remained soft and worried.

“If you’re trying not to piss me off, Spence, you’re failing spectacularly. Just FYI,” you informed him, voice emotionless.

“I know. Sorry. I just… I know this isn’t the place where you want or need to be right now.”

The way your eyebrows jump nearly to your hairline was only outdone by how much your blood pressure skyrocketed.

What the fuck?

Oh no, this was--- this was not an elaborate joke. This was an attack. A baseless damn attack on your person and you did not expect it from Reid of all people.

It stung.

The arms crossing on your chest might as well be more effective than Steve’s vibranium shield with how impenetrable your offences grew.  

Who the hell did Reid thought he was?

He knew, huh?

“Oh? Please, Doctor Reid, tell me about what I want or need,” you snarked, voice dripping with bitter sarcasm. “You’re the genius, you clearly know it better than myself.”

Until today, you had thought no one could outdo Tony’s ignorance of other people’s feelings unless they were a psychopathic unsub. But here was Spencer, having the audacity to ignore your biting tone, responding to your ‘request’ in kind, perfectly relaxed.

“I’m confident that I do, actually-“

You scoffed, looking away.

Your blood was nearly reaching the boiling point. Okay, maybe if this was how Reid handled building the timeline with Steve earlier, there was no wonder Steve had needed to work off some steam.

Seemingly unbothered by your obvious ire, Reid’s voice firm and so annoyingly condescending and smart-ass.

“Right now, the most probable cause of your inability to sleep are the symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder, an unfortunate result of our line of work. Insomnia. Unreasonably elevated heartbeat, inability to hold onto one thought. Irritability, both mental and physical, a sensory overload even. Recurrent nagging memories concerning the case which ended badly and which you feel a misplaced yet overwhelming guilt about. Negative thoughts about self that are once again, not based on any actual faults, or at least blown to proportion. Haunting images, flashbacks, from both reality and worst dreams looking the same, creating new realities. Feel free to stop me whenever I get something wrong.”

You just kept staring to the side in silence, ignoring how fucking on point he was.

God-damn him!

And of course, he wasn’t done yet.

“What you need right now, is evidence that Steve is still okay, which I assume you lack because you decided to sleep separately. And it is not enough for you to ask the artificial intelligence, because the same security system that runs this Tower has been breached before, when the bullets were stolen. So yes…” Reid said softly, pausing as if to ask you to look him in the eye for his next words so he could get his point across.

Unwillingly, vision a little blurry with welled-up tears – because damnit it was scary to be so seen so thoroughly, to be cut open just so the wound could heal – you glanced at him.

All you found was an annoyingly kind and compassionate expression on his face. There was no hint of him being condescending – never had been and deep down, you knew that the moment he opened his mouth.

“…I do think I know better and I think that what you want and need is to go and be with him, Bean.”

You sniffled, pouting despite the minute tremble to your lips.

This was one of the downsides of working at the behavioural analysis unit; any of your friends could analyse your behaviour. It sucked.

All things Spencer said were true – and the itch to go see Steve could only be scratched if you actually went. Which wouldn’t help the case, but it sure as hell would help you to sleep better.

“God, I hate profilers,” you spitted out, glaring murderously at the box of tissues Spencer moved your direction – because you didn’t have the heart to glare at him.

“No, you don’t.”

“I guess. Whatever,” you mumbled, blowing your nose and blinking rapidly to get rid of the traitorous tears.

Taking a deep breath, you peered at your companion who was patiently waiting for you to get your shit together; sweet summer child had no idea it would take you much more than one outburst which he witnessed and was the victim of to do so.

“I’m sorry I sassed you.”

Reid chuckled, one eyebrow raised. “No, you aren’t. We both know sass is your life sustenance.”

“Oh, like you’re the one to talk right now, Dr. Sassbag,” you shot back, only making him grin.

God, why did he still have to be such loveable dork?

“I hear it takes one to know one,” he hummed with shrug.

And it did.

And perhaps you didn’t know each other as well as you used to, but you still knew enough. Bonds like this didn’t tear completely just because you tested their strength over two years of barely any contact. Memories made in the stressful situations you had faces everyday didn’t disappear overnight.

People who were on the same boat didn’t forget their comrades easily. And being among the youngest at the BAU, you, Reid and JJ had been exactly that, finding yourself in a similar position; even if not entirely.

JJ was the communication liaison and for a good reason; while young, she radiated confidence and could fool almost anyone with the naïve pretty blond act, only to reveal her expertise when it counted. Being the most gorgeous face around was the perfect touch to her skillset.

Reid was the rightful prodigy; brilliant beyond belief, always curious, making up for his lack of field experience by knowing just about everything that had ever happened in our universe, his eidetic memory retaining just about every fact known to man. With the aura of a nerd, he too could take many by surprise with how he could get stuff done under intense terror.

And then there was you. Where JJ used her confidence and motherly nature and Reid relied on his intelligence to make up for their age, you had compassion, empathy, determination and sass. It was less than your fellow your teammates, but it seemed to work well enough.

You had admired both Reid and JJ, but Reid’s initial awkwardness and the looks of a lost puppy at times had made it easier for you to befriend him – to have a crush on him even. He was cute, tall – your weakness –, highly intelligent and despite his awkwardness, he was incredibly compassionate and kind. Who wouldn’t dream of being by his side, right?

That wasn’t a rhetorical question. There was an answer to it: JJ.

JJ wouldn’t, despite Reid being so painfully and obviously into her.

There had been times when you had been jealous of her for it, foolishly pining after the certified genius. But as soon as you accepted that it simply wouldn’t happen and got over your ridiculous crush on him, things got simpler. Your bonds gained strength with every case and when Reid got drugged and kidnapped by an unsub, your priorities significantly changed. Helping him recover and stay clean of addiction to Dilaudid later on had brought you and JJ together, grudges forgotten – even if you never grew as close with her as with Spence.

But JJ wasn’t here now; Reid was. And you were eternally grateful to have your one of your best friends for support.

Yet, the irony of your former crush sending you to see a man you were crushing on these days, was not lost on you. The only difference was that you were well-aware of the fact that Steve was much more than an ordinary crush – because the feelings you had for Steve were not going anywhere and they apparently wouldn’t, not any time soon. If ever.

“You’re miles away, Bean,” Reid noted gently, lips still curled up teasingly. “I missed you, really. And I know you could help. But you should go.”

There was no malice in his words; he truly wasn’t trying to get rid of you. He simply knew you a little too well.

With a sigh, you eyed the untouched coffee.

“You can--- leave that here,” he added, scratching his throat awkwardly, face all innocent.

“Spence, that coffee is darker than my soul and more bitter than a gold-digger who got nothing from a divorce. Trust me, you don’t want to drink that.”

Ha grimaced, motioning for you to pour that abomination of a coffee down the drain. Usually, both of you liked your coffee with more sugar than caffeine; even if you had nothing on his diabetes-inducing preferences.

Reaching for the cup, you smiled at him once more.

“I missed you too, Spence. Thank you...  and please, don’t stay too late. Goodnight.”

“Night, Bean,” he whispered back.

It did not escape your attention that he did not make any promises that he would do so; smart boy. And a workaholic. You had a type, apparently.

It was only when you reached the door when you remember something you wanted to tell him ever since he had arrived; besides the fact you missed him.

“Oh and Spence?” you called out lowly, causing him to look up from the file he was already on again.

“Yeah?”

“I really dig your new haircut.”

He ran his fingers through his hair self-consciously – resulting in his hair now being an utter and utterly adorable mess – a slight blush giving away his bashfulness.

“Thanks.”

You couldn’t but grin, heart much lighter than when you walked through the door only a few minutes ago.

“Yeah. Me too.”

Reaching Steve’s door, fist raised to knock, it only occurred to you that it was, in fact, past half past two in the morning.

Reid had made a valid point of you refusing to simply ask Jarvis whether Steve was okay – you did need to see it and preferably feel Steve was still in one piece. The problem was, it was past half past two in the morning.

Any normal person would be asleep. Just because your intrusive thoughts kept you awake and Reid was a chronic workaholic, it didn’t mean Steve hadn’t been taken into the blissful land of Zzzz the moment his head hit the pillow. And it definitely wasn’t your place to wake him just because your anxiety wouldn’t leave you alone.

You had a half-mind just to turn on your heel, but since you were already here… you guessed you might as well check.

“Jarvis?” you called out lowly, head tipped back to the ceiling. “Is Captain Rogers asleep?”

The artificial male voice responded in an instant.

“Captain Rogers’ biofeedback suggests that he is awake, Agent Jones.”

“Oh.”

Well, that was unexpected. It should be upsetting, making you worry; and perhaps somewhere in the back of your mind, it did. But your heart danced in your chest hopefully, fingers already twitching for a hug, for physical reassurance; and comfort.

“Uhm, J, and is he at his quar-“

The door swung open before your knuckles could as much as graze it, revealing a tall broad figure illuminated softly by a bedside lamp, giving it almost a celestial aura.

“-ters,” you finished quietly, smiling apologetically as you let your hand fall. “Hi.”

The corridor shed some light on his outfit, familiar and unfamiliar at once; a simple white t-shirt with the A.I. insignia which was a size too small for him and a pair of grey sweats, his feet bare. The most familiar thing about him was the gentle concerned expression on his face; and the way your heart sped up at the sight on him, even if hundred times calmer than before.

“Hey Sparkles. What’s wrong?”

Your lips parted, no sound coming out.

Nothing was wrong. Everything was wrong.

As you saw him in the flesh, perfectly fine besides the fact he wasn’t sleeping at this hour, you felt like an idiot for disturbing his peace. You tended to spend a lot of time together, yes, but you imagined that after today, after you were so damn overbearing and emotionally on edge, he would welcome a refuge from you as well. From every reminder of the situation he was in.

But here you were, at almost three in the morning, knocking on his door, because you decided to make your fears his problem-

A warm hand enveloped yours, tugging lightly without a single word; your feet followed on autopilot as he took a few steps back and pulled you to his chest, kicking the door shut. Strong arms enveloped you as if it was the most natural thing in the world and in a blink of an eye, you got exactly what you came for.

The soothing thump-thump of his heart against your temple, tentative fingers caressing your back. You squeezed your eyes shut at the gentle caress, breathing in Steve’s natural scent mixed with the Tower’s detergent, selfishly letting it wash over you.

“GG, I’m sorry-“

“No.”

You swallowed against the lump of your throat, ignoring the flutter in your belly at the strangely kind authoritative tone in a single syllable.

Slightly pushing against him to have him release you – and you already missed his warmth, still feeling its echo since you stood barely a step from him – you looked up, noting one corner of his lips raised in a lopsided smile.

“Jarvis didn’t wake you when I arrived, or did he?”

Steve shook his head, nodding towards his nightstand where a copy of a thick book rested, open, pages down.

“Couldn’t sleep. Thought reading would help, but…” he licked his lips as he glanced above your head, shoulders rising and falling with his sigh. “My head is too loud tonight.”

You smiled faintly at his admission, even if your heart ached. You hadn’t been the first to tell Steve about anxiety or PTSD, but given that in his original century, it wasn’t exactly fashionable to talk about mental health, especially in men, and not many bothered to talk about it with him later on, you introduced him to so much more. You had made a deal with him, promising you’d be there for him if it hit him; and he had stolen your heart that day, already halfway his, when he vowed to do the same for you.

He invited you in despite – or maybe because of – the fact he was struggling too; it seemed both his and your head had the same problem.

“Must be going around,” you hummed empathetically. “I’m sorry.”

He shrugged. “So am I…. the power of Pixar it is?”

A chuckle escaped you at his suggestion as you glanced around for the first time; you realized you had never been to ‘his’ room in the Tower.

It was bigger than your guest room, but not much more lived in, the fact he was wearing the A.I. clothes only proving it. A non-descript bed, a nightstand, a couch, a closet, a bookshelf with barely five books. A single framed photo from a movie night with the Avengers he had brought you to, all seven of you squeezed into the frame. A private bathroom, you guessed, a tiny kitchen area with a microwave, a kettle and a small pantry. And straight opposite to the bed, a TV on the wall.

The implication was that you’d have to settle on the bed, together, to watch the movie, but the space was large enough and it was just a small step forward from frequently sitting next to each other on the couch at his apartment.

Your heart raced minutely, but it wasn’t like you had a myriad of options.

“Pixar sounds great, actually. You just might be a genius, GG,” you said, meeting his gaze, something strange flashing in his irises.

“Good. You pick. Tea?”

“Please.”

You didn’t tell him you had just emptied your coffee down the drain; he didn’t need to know that your first thought was to get more awake for the sake of a case, for his sake, really. Or maybe it was just for yours and your conscience.

You watched him shuffle around as he pulled two cups, each with a different teabag and your heart soared when you spied the box with your favourite tea brand, its aroma now spreading through the room.

“Sit down and pick your movie, Sparkles. I’ve got this,” he threw over his shoulder, nodding towards the bed as if it wasn’t his bed you were about to climb at.

You didn’t argue and you tried not to show your hesitation either. There was no need to make the awkwardness more apparent; and really, there was nothing wrong with this.

Just two friends watching a movie.

On a bed of one of them whom the other was crushing on. Hopelessly in love with them more like. Nothing out of ordinary.

Except you could feel the sheets still warm where Steve had laid on them earlier as you settled against the headboard and your stomach made a small somersault.

Perfectly normal. Right.

You barely held back your snort as you reached for the remote, the system already offering you endless number of options. Absentmindedly, you browsed the animated films, hoping to find one that wouldn’t make you cry; or at least one that wouldn’t make you cry while triggering your issues further.

Two cups landed on the nightstand, earning Steve a barely audible thank you.

“Of course. What did you pick?”

You eyed the selection again, making a decision with a sigh.

“Well, it looks like tonight it’s gonna be… Ratatouille. Have you seen it yet?”

Steve frowned, adorably confused. “The food?”

“That too. It’s… about a rat. In Paris. He wants to be a chef.”

“…okay.”

You chuckled as he shook his head, diving into the pantry again.

“As absurd as it sounds, it’s about how no dream is too big if you believe in yourself and have friends who believe in you too. About how each of us has their own strengths and when we combine them and help each other, something amazing can come out.”

Steve smiled almost boyishly at that, seating himself at the edge of the bed and handing you a bowl.

“I can get behind that,” he hummed.

His words fell on deaf ears as you noticed the colourful contents of the bowl, lips parting with a breathless oh, mouth dry all of sudden.

Jelly beans.

Crap.

From the corner of your eye, you noticed Steve stiffening – as if he did something wrong.

And he did.

You felt like crying.

Not only Steve had your favourite tea stocked, but he also made sure to have your favourite sweets. Whenever you’d decide to spend the night in the Tower for the first time, no matter the reason, he had both of these things in reach; in his room. And yes, he had a bit of a sweet tooth, but this was distinctively your comfort food and you were apparently very obvious in needing comfort now.

The lump in your throat made it difficult to swallow, brain stunned by the sheer kindness he was displaying after you knocked on his door at this hour. He appeared as if it was entirely natural to him to have his space accommodating to you as well as to him.

“Something wrong?” he questioned lowly, effectively making you want to burst into tears and bury your face in his chest.

Yes. There was something wrong.

You loved him so much it physically hurt you. The rush of affection towards your gentle giant was overwhelming and you were on the verge of spontaneous combustion, feeling so full of… everything.

It left you with two options of dealing with the assault of feelings: to snuggle him and kiss him senseless or to joke about it.

Like the grown-up you were, you decided to go with the latter.

“No, just… wow,” you feigned a scandalized expression. “My Captain is offering me sugar in the middle of a night. I must look really pathetic.”

For what felt at least like a minute, Steve stared, expression blank. You thought you might have broken him for whichever reason – and you already had an apology on the tip of your tongue when he finally unfroze, shaking his head at your antics.

“You do not look pathetic,” he said decisively, motioning for you to make space for him. You did, his arm brushing yours as you tried to get comfortable. “Keep sassing me, Sparkles, see what happens.”

A little tickle in your belly told you that you would very much like to see what would happen; but this was nor time nor the place.

“Just take your jelly beans and play the movie, you minx.”

“Why thank you...” you hummed, smirking minutely and earning a sigh as he observed you fondly despite your bratiness.

Despite your everything.

You grew serious as you laid your head on his bicep, sighing as well.

“Seriously, GG. Thank you,” you whispered, tentatively reaching out and squeezing his hand. “I—I feel stupid for bothering you, but I just… I guess I just wanted to make sure you were okay. That we’re okay.”

He interlaced you fingers and when he spoke, his voice was gentle as ever, intimate.

“We’re okay, Sparkles. And you’re never bothering me.”

Right. Right, right, right. Cool. It was only about 50 seconds since you last wanted to profess your love to him.

He was making it really difficult tonight; and yet, snuggled to his side, hand in his, favourite snack in your free hand, being with him seemed as easy as breathing. Nothing but an autonomic function of your body. Essential for life. And yet, the I love you laid heavy on your chest, suffocating you and begging you to just let it out.

“Careful, GG… I might take it as a challenge.”

Your improvised pillow shook a little as he laughed and tickled your palm, making you retreat your hand swiftly.

“I don’t doubt it.”

You finally clicked play, but as the opening credits rolled on the screen, Steve playfully nudged you side.

“I forgot to tell you. I like your pyjama shorts,” he hummed, clearly highly amused.

Without a single thought, you threw a jelly bean on him, resulting in his overly offended expression and protest.

“Hey! No food fights in my bed!”

Oh there were things you’d love to do on his bed other than food fights.

Starting with the man currently grinning so wide it was impossible not want to taste that smile. And as far as Steve’s brands went, you had no qualms about where you’d wear it, especially if he’d give you a very personal one that would have nothing to do with his superhero persona.

You cleared your throat, quickly chasing away the thought of his lips sucking a mark to the column of your neck.

You had it bad tonight; you blamed the emotional and physical fatigue and Steve being even more golden than usual. While you were both in his bed.

“Tony’s doing, I assume,” you muttered, rolling your eyes. “At least he picked a superhero I’m a fan of. With his sense of humour, I guess I should be glad I don’t have Ironman helmets all over my ass.”

Steve sputtered an incomprehensible noise by your side, sending you into a fit of giggles.

One would think he got used to your sometimes unfiltered mouth – especially at this hour – but apparently not. Steve had no qualms about cursing when the situation called for it; still, when a curse or a word like ‘ass’ left your lips unexpectedly, his reactions could be hilarious.

And endearing.

You knew this night would burn into your brain, adding to the stack of memories fuelling your love for him, but at the moment, you didn’t care how much you’d long for this to happen every night.

You turned to the screen, holding out your snacks to share, settling against your best friend, consequences be damned. After all, he was so warm, a perfect mix of hard and soft, the periodical rises and falls of his chest so soothing…

You drifted off by the time Remy the rat had a heart-to-heart with Linguini on the bank of the river Seine; fingers slipping from the bowl, a ghost of a tender touch on the crown of your head being the last thing you felt.

Waking up in a pleasant warmth, you took a deep breath and snuggled into the covers further as they carried a faint scent of something familiar and soothing. In the back of your mind, you knew exactly where you were; because this wasn’t the first time you’d wake up as rested as this.

Most of the time you woke up well-rested, comfortable and with a feeling of profound safety, was when you were laid in Steve’s bed.

And as per usual – and regretfully – the covers were the only thing hugging you.

With a sigh, you rolled over, squinting against the faint morning light coming through the curtains, gaze skimming over the room to find the culprit who once again gave up his bed in order not to overstep any boundaries he thought you had; boundaries there were unsafe to cross if you wanted to keep your heart at bay.

Even if it was probably too late for it.

He was curled up on the couch, a massive body of a supersoldier barely fitting there, a thin comforter and a fluffed-up pillow in the crook of his arm. The sunlight illuminated a few strands of his hair, drawing a hallo; the last touch to the work of art he was.

Seeing Steve sleeping was a strange and beautiful privilege, one that practically equalled seeing him laugh heartily, or more so, witnessing him being vulnerable.

Captain America, technically a centenarian, a veteran of the second World War. On surface, when on top of chain of command, always confident and trustworthy, not only because of his instincts, but also because of his experience.

These were all true; but many forgot that Steve Rogers was, in fact, barely 30 years old. When relaxed, welcomed into inviting arms of a peaceful slumber, he appeared young as he was. He carried himself a unique blend of a young and old soul, spirit-crushing experience no man should have, let alone in their twenties, as many soldiers had – and then some. Yet, despite a fatigue that could wear him down to a bone even on a day when he wouldn’t move a single muscle, he stuck to ideals and principles, his moral compass showing almost exclusively true north.

People would make fun of it, calling him naïve; but if they bothered to truly look – and if Steve let them – they would see that Steve held onto ideals of what the world could be, ideals of what he wished it to be and was willing to fight for. He was too aware of what the world truly was.

And most ironically, the same people who would call him naïve, would call him an old man in the next sentence because of some of his old-fashioned ways; Tony Stark taking the leading position in this crowd. For what it was worth, you liked to think Steve was incredibly well-adapted; and what remained was a swoon-worthy old-school charm very few people stood a chance against. You would know.

The bottom line was, Steve was both – an idealist and a realist, a young soul and an old one. When you could see him laugh, it was easy to forget he still found himself at war; because at once, he could appear at peace, much like he did now.

And seeing the human side of him, the beauty and the hurt behind the golden image presented, tugged at your heartstrings at any given time of the day.

In your reverie, you almost missed how his eyelashes started fluttering, having you swiftly close your eyes as not to be caught staring like a creep. Taking a deep breath, you tried your best to relax, feigning sleep.

The weary chuckle told you Steve did not fall for your lame pretence for as much as a second.

“You’re a terrible actress, Sparkles. Good morning,” he wished you heartily, voice hoarse.

You were not inclined to agree – you were playing him just fine, pretending you weren’t in love with him and the cute freckles peppering his arm, conveniently having slipped from under the comforter earlier for you to admire.

You opened one eye and peeked at him, smiling when you found him watching you with amusement painting his sleepy face.

“Uh-huh. Morning, GG.”

His smile widened at the nickname. “You could have woken me up.”

With a sigh, you slowly sat up, rubbing sleep off your eyes.

“I just woke up myself…” you said simply, shrugging. “And I wanted to let you catch some more sleep. Especially since you were a gentleman and took the couch again. I didn’t mean to kick you out of your bed.”

A powerful yawn had him cover his mouth, instantly infecting you. You cracked your neck as he ran his hand through his hair and stretched his arms above his head, showing off the impressive muscles of his as if he knew you had just been thinking about how angels must have kissed him all over his biceps, leaving freckles in their wake. You did not blame them one bit for doing so.

“Well, you should know by now that if the chances are that it’s either you or me taking the bed, I’ll leave it to you,” he reminded you, as if you could ever forget the times he carried you to bed when you fell asleep on his couch watching movies.

As if.

“Could have just shared.”

The words were out before you could think twice, heat instantly rising to your face. Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, way to go, Sparkles-

“Would you prefer that?” he asked, voice raspy with sleep still, the light of his eyes unfamiliarly dim as his gaze skimmed over you, head to toe, still partly wrapped in the covers.

The covers on his bed.

It seemed as if he was as acutely aware of it as you were. The way he looked at you; inquiring and yet, yet, almost as if he wanted to hear one particular answer… it had your heart race, pulse thundering in your ears, heat pooling in your stomach.

He looked at you as if he wanted you to say yes; but even if you had barely woken up and the suggestion of sharing a bed with him slipped out, you had enough control not to cross the fine line that had been so blurred at this point it was almost non-existent.

At least you thought so.

“Maybe.”

Steve nearly lost his mind when the word fell from your lips, tempting as ever; more than ever.

Maybe, you said.

It was not a no, but a teasing yes almost; no mockery, but perhaps a challenge.

Oh Steve did not need to be challenged in such way; yesterday night was harder than others. It wasn’t the first time you had fallen asleep on him while watching a movie and it hadn’t been the first time it was hard not to throw caution to the wind a let himself drift off too; but something about last night made it nearly impossible to leave your side.

Perhaps it was that you fell asleep on him in his bed, unlike at his apartment in the city; maybe it was that damn pyjama Steve was sure Tony was having a good laugh over; maybe it was the fiery determination with which you had jumped into protecting Steve; maybe it was seeing you all business-like in a different field; perhaps it was the presence of another man who could take you away from him; perhaps it was because you hadn’t called him a captain, but your captain, the two simple words tickling his lower abdomen with such intensity he was taken aback by it.

Perhaps it was all of the above; but whatever the reason, Steve had never felt the urge to hold you all night so acutely.

Yes, he acted as a gentleman, leaving you to sleep on the bed; but it cost him long long minutes of staring at you, tossing and turning and unable to get comfortable as he lied on the couch, the longing to climb back to your side and pull you into his embrace, nose buried in your hair, unbearable.

Eventually, he fell asleep facing you and watching your form on his bed – and damn, did you look like you belonged exactly there – dreaming about your soft sighs and how your breaths would lightly tickle his collarbone if he was there with you.

And now… you said maybe. But your eyes, the way you opened yourself to him, the smallest of smile in one corner of your lips, it all whispered yes to him.

Why wasn’t he there with you? When your gaze was boring into his? When it flickered to his mouth?

You couldn’t tear your gaze from him; not from the intense blue of his eyes, not from the tempting pink lips surrounded by the faintest stubble, not from the perfect case of bed hair you wanted to run your fingers through.

Your words betrayed you; a maybe, which might as well scream yes. You were skimming a dangerous territory again – and this time, it was almost intentional. What was wrong with you?

Steve.

Steve was wrong with you. He was lethal to your common sense if not to your sanity; and something about the way he watched you, warmth and heat, told you he’d pride himself in taking every single piece of your wits, every last remnant of coherent thought in exchange of giving you so much-

“Captain Rogers?”

You nearly jumped of out your skin at the mechanical voice from the ceiling, black spots minutely clouding your vision with the speed your heart was suddenly sprinted, inhaling rapidly. Eyes closed, hand gripping at your chest as if to hold your poor heart inside, you released the air from your lungs slowly, head still spinning with the fright.

Jesus Christ. You hated the fucking artificial intelligence.

“Yes, Jarvis?” Steve called out, voice somewhat choked – probably on an edge of a cardiac arrest himself since he was snapped from an intense starring contest that you were sure screamed unresolved sexual tension.

It certainly did on your part.

What would happen if Jarvis didn’t spoke up, breaking the spell?

“Apologies. Both your vitals indicated you were awake, and not occupied. I merely wanted to point out that everyone else on the stalker case is on their way to the conference room or already in.”

It was like the coldest shower, all heat instantly gone. You threw away the covers, switching back into investigative mode, the change so sudden it left you feeling empty. But it didn’t matter now.

No matter how you felt about Steve, no matter how it almost, almost looked he just might feel about you, this was no time nor the place.

The reason you were in Steve’s room was because you had a case. You had come here, because were scared for him – for his life, even. Right now, both your and his emotions were all over the place: he was vulnerable, you were vulnerable. It was the worst possible timing to test boundaries of your friendship.

And you could not afford to be distracted.

You had a job to do; and maybe, maybe¸ when it was done, you could try to gather enough courage to explore whatever it was in Steve’s eyes when he asked whether you’d prefer to sharing his bed.

Speaking of which: if Jarvis, the little busybody he was, told anyone that you had spent the night in Steve’s bed, you were going to beat every last byte out of him.

→ Next part

Series masterlist // Steve Rogers masterlist // Misc masterlist

These two idiots and their romance really are the definition of two steps forward, three steps back, huh? Feel free to yell at me🤭

Thank you for reading and feedback, it’s the best fuel💗

In other news, it’s my second week of school and I’m already DONE, so sorry the updates might get slower 🥺

[phoebe-delia]

Hogwarts Talent Show Headcanon

Yes, yes this is sorta like my karaoke headcanon but it's different enough so whatever lol. Enjoy! Takes place after the war, so 8th year.

To promote inter-house unity, McGonagall announces the First Annual Hogwarts Talent Show.

Everyone thinks it sounds lame at first, but most of them are intrigued enough to try it once McGonagall says that the winning act will get a prize of a free dinner for two in Hogsmeade.

Everyone will vote on their favorite act, but they vote on parchment that's magically charmed to prevent them from voting for themselves.

The acts are as follows:

Ron burps the alphabet (He can totally do this how is this not canon? It's honestly like 30% of the reason why Hermione broke up with him shortly after the war ended.)

Hermione demonstrates a series of obscure but useful spells to make life easier that she read in random books in the Restricted Section. McGonagall raises an eyebrow knowingly at Hermione as she walks off the stage and Hermione doesn't meet her eyes.

Luna plays the recorder, and it moves a few people to tears with how surprisingly beautiful it is. When she finishes the song, she just smiles at the audience and walks off before they can applaud.

Seamus and Dean partner up for an act. Seamus is center stage, sitting on a stool and holding a banana. Dean is off stage with a microphone, narrating and adding dramatic commentary as Seamus nonchalantly peels and eats the banana. It's the funniest act of the night.

Neville is a surprisingly good DJ. He shows off his remixes and mashups and they're really fun; after the show, McGonagall asks him to be the DJ for the Yule Ball.

Pansy and Draco perform a lip-sync to the "Me Against the Music" by Britney Spears. Ron doesn't notice the way that both Hermione and Harry both go wide-eyed and blush during the performance.

Finally, it's Harry's turn.

Harry walks on stage and grins at the audience.

"For those of us who grew up in Muggle households, it came as quite a shock to find that not only was magic real but that we were magical. We heard of Muggle magicians who performed sleight-of-hand tricks for entertainment, and while the average Muggle couldn't tell you how it was performed, no one believes that magic is real."

"Well today," Harry says with a smirk. "I'm going to bring a bit of Muggle magic to Hogwarts. But I'll need a volunteer."

Countless hands shoot up in the air as students clamor and shout for Harry to notice them, to pick them. While McGonagall tries to settle them down, Harry's eyes search the crowd, overlooking every waving arm to find—

"Malfoy, how about you?"

Draco looks up with a start, trying valiantly not to blush as the entire school stares at him with a mix of shock and jealousy.

Draco shakes his head "Er, Potter, I don't—"

"C'mon Malfoy, what, are you scared?"

As a wave of "Ooohhh"s ripples through the audience, Draco clenches his jaw. "You wish."

Everyone whispers fervently as Draco walks onto the stage to greet Harry, who grins.

"Alright, Malfoy," Harry reaches into his pocket to reveal a deck of cards, which he fans out in his hand in front of Draco. "Pick a card, any card, and don't tell me what it is."

Draco raises an eyebrow, but he selects a random card and examines it; a king of hearts.

"Have you got a good look?"

Draco grits his teeth but nods.

"Good, now put it back." Harry offers the deck for Draco to easily slide the card back with the others.

Draco watches, fascinated, as Harry shuffles the deck. Draco tries to listen to what Harry is muttering about; something about the importance of 'building bridges' and 'healing.' But all Draco can focus on is the easy, practiced way Harry's hands manipulate and shuffle the cards.

Finally, Harry holds out the deck in one hand and uses the other to wave over it. "Abracadabra," he says dramatically, staring intently at the cards as if they hold the secrets to the universe.

Harry steadfastly ignores the mix of bewilderment and suspicion on Draco's face. "Go on, choose another card."

Draco picks one; it’s the ten of spades.

"Is that your card?" Harry asks hopefully.

"No," Draco can’t suppress a satisfied smirk as he shows the wrong card to Harry.

Harry frowns. "Hmm...Okay, let's try again." He clears his throat and repeats the same action as before, this time enunciating the "Abracadabra" a bit more clearly. Satisfied, he looks back up at Draco expectantly. "Pick another, please."

Draco rolls his eyes, but he reached into the deck and pulls a four of diamonds.

"Is that your card?"

"No, Potter."

Harry looks so defeated, Draco has to suppress it when he feels his chest twinge in sympathy.

"Damn. I really wanted to get you that card back," Harry says mournfully.

Draco rolls his eyes. "Yes, so did I. I was quite fond of it."

"Oh, wait, actually, I think I can help you there. Check your pocket for me, would you?"

Draco furrows his eyebrows but he reaches into his pockets, his eyes widening when his right hand clasps a flimsy, smooth plastic card.

He takes it out and gapes at it in astonishment as the words, "Dinner?" flash and settle into the king of hearts. Draco looks up at Harry, who smiles sheepishly.

"So, Malfoy? Was that your card?"

"Yeah," Draco breathes, nodding quickly.

Harry grins. "So...is that a yes, then?"

Two nights later, Harry and Draco sit in a corner booth at the Three Broomsticks. Harry reaches gently behind Draco's ear to reveal a galleon.

Draco surges forward and kisses Harry, and all Harry can think is, Abracadabra, indeed.

My ask box is empty!! Send me an ask about Harry Potter, broadway/musicals, The West Wing, and/or Taylor Swift! Or just about life in general :).

Also, I have a playlist of my 99 most listened-to songs of the year so far. Pick a number 1--99 and send me an ask and I'll write you a fic based on it.

[ohworm-writes]

#02 - Tape Two | series masterlist

⮞ Beta Reader - @jschllatt​ ! thank you so much for proofreading this for me !

⮞ Pairing - Monster!Technoblade x Monster-Hunter!Reader ⮞ Summary - Bugs are not your favorite things to deal with, especially when it’s 10 times your size and chasing through streets after you. However, maybe a sight in the dark is worth the challenging day.  ⮞ Rating - Mature (SFW) ⮞ Warnings - violence , description of bug monster ( centipede ) , cursing , anxiousness ⮞ Word Count - 3.4k ⮞ Taglist - Open! Send an Ask or DM to be added

@ohworm-writes​​​ copyright 2021 | do not repost

Dead leaves crunch under your feet, and while the sound would have been satisfying in any other scenario, this was not the one. The small, nearly inaudible noise is enough to make you stop dead in your tracks, head poking up from your previously hunched position to look around. If you saw it yourself, it could have reminded you of a meerkat. The animals, as meek as they are, are quite the attraction.

Any sound you’d make would go fairly unappreciated. You see, out here, sound was not exactly one to be a best friend. It was an enemy, if anything. If anyone or anything were to hear you, to hear your location, you could be dead within seconds! Minutes, if you were a lucky one. A single noise, much like a fall leaf turning to pieces underneath your feet, is more than enough to cause fear to course through your veins. 

It’s almost a full minute until you move again. Sixty seconds stood in the same, and quite the uncomfortable, position. However, it’s much better to be safe, rather than sorry. Slowly, quietly, and carefully; you let your body move once more. Careful step after step, one foot in front of the other, simply trying to make it from Point A to Point B. Alive, preferably. 

You had set out more than a few hours ago, maybe… 7 hours or so? Given the position of the sun, which was a little further than its previous position in the center of the sky, it was enough to tell you that noon had gone, and the evening was nearing. Oh, how the time had passed, slowly albeit. Your anxiety and cautiousness never faltered. Never once did you stroll down the street, taking in the sights of what once was.

If you did, however, you’d be able to see the beauty of it. How the trees were full of life, spectacularly green leaves scattered across it by the thousands. How the flowers, some of which had poked through the asphalt of the streets, had bloomed in bright and captivating colors of all shades. How the streets, once filled with nothing but cars and people, had now been taken back by the land. Oh, what a sight it is, and what a sight you were missing out on. 

Even though you had overlooked the beauty of it all, you couldn’t deny that being out here was a breath of fresh air. Quite literally, in that sense. No, but especially because you were out here alone. On one hand, you could see it as another factor for you to be more aware than you already were. There was nobody to watch your back, to yell out if they had seen or heard anything. No, that was all your job now. You were the one to have all say in whether you made it to tomorrow. 

Without those thoughts, though, you could admire it. You had never had a moment to yourself, with it being always ruined by judgmental stares or offhanded comments. Now, you could listen to the beautiful silence that was loneliness. A shame, some could call it, how you’d revel to have moments like these alone. Why be alone when you could be out with friends or, hell, even people! Well, when nobody seems to take your side, though, loneliness is your only friend. It’s the only thing that you know won’t leave. 

Well, it’s the only thing you hope won’t leave, especially not now. 

Though, as they say, speak of the devil, and he will appear.

A clicking noise, much similar to the sound of steps, travels to your era. It’s far, but it’s audible. The crossbow, made at home in your hands, directs towards the sound in a fraction of a second. The way your body moves with such violence, it’s a wonder how you didn’t have whiplash from the movement. Everything around you seems to come to a halt at that moment. Not another sound, not a breath, no movement or sound at all. 

You stand at the corner of a street, tacky green arrows signs in the distance held up by a rusting chain to a stoplight to tell you which street is which. ‘4th Avenue,’ the sign ahead reads, and to its right, in the opposite position, reads ‘12th Avenue.’ On your right, there’s a barbershop, the red, white, and blue cylinder set to a stop out front. The windows are smashed in, shards of glass scattered along the pavement outside, and by the smell coming from inside, you can think that a little more than cutting hair happened there.

You hone your senses in on where the noise had come from, eye to the scope as you point your weapon in the previous sound’s direction. The arrow tip points towards the edge of the building, pointing into the street aside from it. When there’s no more noise, that’s when you panic. The worst thing you could experience out on the field was to hear a quite obvious sound, and then nothing. No indication if the sound had been there at all, or if it was something in your head. If it was there, then where had it gone?

To your luck, or not, the sound finds its place in your ears once more, the clicking sound much closer than the last time you had heard it. It’s almost like the sound a rollercoaster makes as it’s climbing the tracks towards a peak, slowing as it reaches the top. As the coaster reaches the top, there’s that brief sense of both dread and relief. On one hand, because you know what’s coming next. You know that soon, that calm would pass, and you’d dive downward into something you’re not sure if you’re ready to tackle head on. On the other, you know that this is the last of the peace, and you want to relish in every moment that you can.

And just like that, the coaster dives. 

From behind the crumbling brick of the likely once lively barbershop, something peeks to look at you. It’s low at first, whatever it was, maybe a foot off of the ground. But then, then it grows tall. Much taller than you, oh by quite a lot, that is. As it comes around the corner in all of its glory, you can see this plunge is far scarier than you’d expected.

The clicking noise had come from the legs of the monster, the skinny limbs coming by the hundred. The plates, like that of armor, plated across its back, face to and away from you, instead, its vulnerable purplish underside facing towards you. Looking up, the beast towering, you see its head. Large half-moon eyes on either side of its face peering down at you, antennas poking through the top. Large mandibles protrude from the side of its face, serrated teeth fully on display from its wide-open jaw.

That was a goddamn centipede, wasn’t it?

Its body wiggles as it reaches its full height, standing above you at twenty feet or so, its long shadow casting down over you. And then it pounces. The beast leaps towards you, mandibles spread wide as it dives directly towards you. At the same moment, you dash to the side, the trigger pressing down as it sends the arrow flying towards the underside of the monster. It pierces before the monster even touches the ground, a loud screech echoing from it.

It recovers quickly, twisting its head sharply, and you’re already bolting, making a violent turn down the street it just came from. It’s abandoned as you’d hoped, but not for long. With that many legs, it catches up with you quickly. The clicking, the thudding its limbs make as they collide with the ground, is something you won’t ever be able to forget. You dash from one side of the street to the other, taking the moments you have to reload the crossbow. 

It’s a task you’d wished was much easier right now, holding the arrow between your teeth as you pull the string back with one hand, the other shakily holding the weapon. To your luck, it clicks into place, and you spend no time loading it. You look over your shoulder, being met with the quickening pace of the oversized bug as it bounds towards you, a green drool dribbling out from its mouth. Now that it’s on the ground, it’s near impossible to get a worthy shot on it. 

You had looked over the file of the exact creature countless times while at the casino. Sleepless nights left to your own devices were all spent the same; hunched over your rotting desk, reading file after file on different monsters. While the words seem to blend before your eyes, the facts stay perfectly separated from one another. 

These creatures, rightfully referred to as ‘Giant Centipedes’, are a common Euclid,  mid-level monster. They tend to find a home in heavily wooded areas and marshes, few can be found scuttling down the abandoned avenues. Avenues, specifically that is. They’re around 60 feet long on average, longer or shorter depending on their age. They molt, which is a strange and unnerving occurrence that you, thankfully, have never seen yourself. When they molt, they’re most vulnerable, the plates on their back much softer. 

But, to your luck, the one chasing you must have been between molts, its plates at their strongest. The brown and purple-colored plates shine as the sun reflects off of them. However, this was not the time to admire it. Making another sharp turn, you race down another street, your friend in tow. It lets out a high-pitched snarl as sweat beads across your hairline, calm muscles burning at the exertion. You can hear your heartbeat in your ears, and your breaths, while even-paced, leave you gasping. 

With the crossbow held tight to your chest, your body at an angle as you sprint, you think about your options. One, fuckin’ hell, you better sprint as your life depends on it. Because it bloody does! Two, however, which is much more of a plan, was to aim for an opening, quite literally. You had to wait for the exact moment where either its underside was exposed, or something else. 

Looking back for a split second, you see it. You see an opening. As you move to aim the crossbow, fast as ever, you do one thing you had been terrified of doing the entire chase.

You trip.

Your body tumbles onto the pavement, with no more grace than a drunken man. You’re still holding onto the weapon, barely at that, but it’s still in your grasp. It hurts like hell, your body colliding with the asphalt, broken glass, and gods know what else. The clicking stops too, and the moment you regain your stability, you realize why. The beast is towering over you, much like before, but now you’re on your ass staring up at it. 

It’s not a pleasant sight, the green liquid dripping from its mouth and mandibles onto the pavement only a few inches away from you. Its body gives a little wiggle, almost giving itself a pat on the back for a chase well done. 

The crossbow, held in your dominant hand, sits to your side. Not because you had given up, ready to accept your demise, but rather because you were looking for an opening to shoot. Bringing the weapon out while the creature drools above you was suicide. You look up at its body, eyes trained for a moment on the arrow you shot at it, which found itself lodged in its middle. An excellent shot, if you say so yourself, especially with the confines of the moment. 

Your eyes trail higher, where its neck started and its body ended, you had no idea. The flesh molds together as one, just a long line of flesh. As you watch it lower its body ever so slightly, almost as if to smell you better, there’s your opening.

You yourself barely even react as you whip the crossbow out with lightning speed, holding it in your grip and aiming upwards. The creature can barely lower its body an inch, a snarl trapped in its throat as the arrow fires, piercing through the easy flesh of its lower jaw and coming up through the head. 

At that moment, all life leaves the beast’s body, its body falling limp above you. You’re barely able to make it to the side as it crashes down upon the place you last were, a dark green ooze dribbling as the wound bleeds out. Your chest heaves as you look at it, your body propped up with one hand as you stare at the dead beast, its lifeless eyes directed towards you. 

 As the coaster car pulls into the station, and all is calm. 

You let your body collapse against the pavement, a soft thud sounding from the action. A dry laugh sounds from your throat, a little noise to tell you that you lived. You let your eyes shut, the warm sun shining down on you as you let yourself relax for the moment. 

All pleasant moments find their close, and you’re back onto your feet. As much as you wanted to melt into the pavement at that moment, falling asleep under the gentle sunlight, you didn’t want to stick around for what other monsters could have heard you. You take only a moment to retrieve both of the arrows, cringing at the grotesque noise it makes as you pull it from the flesh, before heading back on the road. 

Your body is much more sluggish as you walk down the beat-up roads, eyes heavier from your previous antics. Most would feel lucky to be alive after something like that, but smarter people would shrug it off and keep going. Idiots revel at the moment, because as you do, you’re not paying attention, and that’s when the real challenges come for your throat. 

Hours drone on as you make your way down the streets, out of one town and into the next. You couldn’t waste time, especially with the sun falling lower and lower into the sky. Covering ground was the most important thing if you wanted to be back within 8 days’ time, and you did not intend to stay out here even a minute longer than you needed to be. 

Sweat covers your body as the sun beats down on you, the feeling of being not one you enjoy all that much. Your legs burn and add on to the exertion from earlier, you were more than just fatigued. The sky mixes with shades of pinks and purples, small clouds dotted here and there in the sky. It’s beautiful, and you stop dead in your tracks to admire it. 

You’d scold yourself later tonight, half-asleep with emotions roaring, but you take the moment now to watch in awe. As the sun drops lower and lower on the horizon, the colors come in darker shades; you smile. It’s not a fake one like you’re so used to putting on with others around, but it’s one filled with genuine joy. Your mouth falls open partially, a satisfying breeze passing by you, and there’s peace.

As the sun nearly dips fully out of your sight, you decide to call it a night. It was no use going around in the dark, as it would simply and truly be a call for death. So, with drowsiness settling, you make your way to the closest building. The architecture here differs greatly from Las Nevadas and the rural towns you had passed through earlier in the day. While it’s far more urban than anything you’ve passed, tall complexes towering high above you, it’s not a major city. 

The building closest to you is one of the shortest, only a single story to its height. From the burnt-out neon sign on the floor outside, you can tell it was a thrift store in a better life. The windows are, surprisingly, intact. Even with them being covered in dust, as you walk closer, you can see the pristine condition of the building.

Taking it as a safe enough option, you take hold of the dark handle on the door and pull. It takes minimal effort for the door to swing towards you, a smell of mold immediately taking to your senses. You breathe out roughly, pinching your nose as you walk in, closing the door shut behind you.

It’s as much as you’d expect a thrift store to be, which is rightfully not much. Hanger stands with countless dull and colorful items you’d never be caught dead wearing now fill the aisles. Small bookshelves display much more than books, leaving their contents out for you to gaze at. You can almost call the place cozy.

With a quick scope around the place, checking for monsters as well as broken doors and shattered glass, you deem it safe enough to stay in for the night. As if you had much of another option, seeing how all color had gone from the sky and the stars had shown. You set up a makeshift bed in the middle of an aisle towards the front, backpack hung up, and weapons nearby. 

It’s as perfect as it can be, and given the circumstances, you’re more than happy with it. Letting your back fall against the carpeted floor, head dropping against a pillow you had found behind the counter, you let your body sink. It’s surprisingly comfortable, with the rough and tacky carpet and the feather-filled pillow. Yet, it feels like the most comfortable you’ve been in your lifetime. 

As you let your eyes shut slowly, ready to be taken over into the realm of sleep, a soft light emits from the window, disrupting your peace. Your eyes open once more, trained to the ceiling, and you give out a soft huff. Well, if it wasn’t just your luck. Turning your head over, you look towards the dusted window, seeing blows of a bluish-green shade glow from outside.

Your body still lies flat on the floor as you watch the colors mold with one another, several strange blobs glowing from behind the glass. With a sigh, you sit up, all of that previous discomfort coming back to you at full force. You wince at the sharp pain that your back gives as you stand on your feet, muscles tight and sore. 

You grab the hatchet that was clipped to your bag, making your way towards the glass, the colors shining brighter as you near it. It could have been some daylight timer someone had set up in the past, or it could be a monster. Only a foot away, you bring your hand up to the dusted window, shivering. With a single motion downwards, you wipe the glass, ridding it of dust. 

With a row of dust gone, you’re able to look out through the window. It’s confusing when you first look at it, your mind not registering the green and blue figures floating above the street. But then, in a moment of both brilliance and stupidity, you realize. You take no time to hold the weapon at your side, swinging the door wide open as you gaze into the street. 

Gods, was it worth it. 

Glowing fish swim above the street and glide by your face. A green and blue bioluminescent glow radiates off of them, dully lighting up the street. You’re able to see their bodies twisting and their fins swishing if you pay attention close enough. A school of smaller fish comes right by you, moving swiftly by your face and into the sky. 

And, as you watch them float higher, you’re sent into a moment of awe as you gaze into the sky. Whales and fish and sea creatures alike float high up in the sky, moving between the glow of the stars effortlessly. You watch as one of the larger whales floats closer to the ground, tail swishing up and down as it propels itself through the air. Your eyes go wide as you stare, a childlike grin set on your features that even you don’t catch.

It’s… amazing. It’s wonderful in every way you could never imagine by yourself. The glowing creatures in the sky, swimming through its currents, are a sight you’d never been able to see in your lifetime. It’s something a child would squeal with happiness at, something that they, and you, would never forget. 

With a mix of awe, excitement, and delight, you spend your time admiring the creatures above. Wishing, to yourself and whatever gods may have heard you, that you could be like them one day.

⮞ Previous Tape      ⮞⮞⮞      ⮞ Next Tape

⮞ Technoblade Route Taglist - @cutiebear45 @kiki-is-the-name @hololizard @sunshinebutnotrainbows @valkyrieidunn @dominickle @err0rnan0 @lacunaanonymoused @ura-writes @jaciahbabes @mega-trash-cringe @itsberrydreemurstuff @theharborhooligan @maybeshroom​ @caliginous-skies​ @whalerus��

⮞ Author’s Note - A day late, but in my defense, I have no defense. I know I’ve done a lot of world building, but I do promise things are going to start rolling in Techno’s direction next tape! I really do hope that you did enjoy, comments and feedback are greatly appreciated! 

[citronsblog]

Requesting because Tumblr is a bitch and ate my last one tf.

Teruteru, Ryoma, and Mondo proposing and/or getting married to their male s/o.

If this request makes you uncomfortable please do tell me and I can send in something different!!!

×Vex ∆

Notes: YES YES YES A MONDO REQUEST. I NEED TO WRITE FOR HIM MORE 😍 (also your request don’t make me uncomfortable, Although I do prefer writing for gender neutral readers so everyone can read it I enjoy writing for guys so I can feed all of my male audience and it gives me a small challenge)

Warnings: none

Characters: Mondo Owada, Teruteru Hanamura, Ryoma Hoshi

Mondo Owada

Mondo is normally able to be calm around you, that’s one of the reasons he fell for you in the first place, but right now he was stressing.

He is deeply in love with you, his wonderful boyfriend. You guys have been together for awhile now, through the thick and thin Mondo is so grateful for you.

Back to the reason on why he is stressed. He was planing on proposing to you. He was nervous, he didn’t know how his favorite person in the world, you, would react to all of this and frankly that’s what made him scared.

Mondo got snapped out of his thoughts by the lovely sound of your voice,

“Hey Mondo? You have a second?”

“Yeah? What is it hot stuff?”

Swatting at his hand you let out a sigh and continue.

“You said we have a date tonight, I just wanted to know if I should dress up in my tux or if it’s just a casual date?”

Mondo got flustered in the thought of you in a tuxedo. He’s seen you in them before, but oh man he would be lying if he said you never looked so sexy in them.

“Mmmm- huh?! Oh Y-yeah that works.”

Chuckling at your boyfriend you give him a kiss on the forehead and walk off with a ‘thank you.’”

It was later on that evening that you two had been sat down at your table. It was a beautiful view. The restaurant was an average size, you were seated outside with a view of the town.

“Wow I- Mondo I didn’t expect this. Thank you.”

“Tch, it’s nothing really. I’m just glad you like it.”

You two spend that evening eating your delicious meals and by the time the two of you were done the moon was in the sky. There was a soft breeze and the smell of fresh air blew around you.

“Hey, S/o. One more thing before we go…”

You took your hand in his,

“Yes?”

Taking in a deep breath Mondo mustered in all of his courage and started.

“S/o, the love of my life. You have been with me through just about every bad day I’ve had. You’ve never left me no matter what and I’ve always admired and loved that about you. God, what am I doing just rambling on-? S/o, will you give me the honor of being your husband?”

Pulling out a box, Mondo opened it and revealed a black wedding ring lined with silver on the outside and eight small diamonds in the middle.

Mondo, still on one knee, started to get even more nervous as anxiety bubbled in his stomach.

“You Can say no s/o..-“

“Are you kidding me?! You are the one I want to spend my time with Mondo! I love you.”

Mondo slid the ring one your finger and lifted up your chin to give you a sweet and loving kiss.

“I love you too.”

Teruteru Hanamura

Teruteru Hanamura, the most bold, flirtatious, funny, good looking man you’ve ever met, and possibly right now the most anxious.

He seemed to be walking around while mumbling stuff to himself. He seemed anxious about too many things so you decided to step in.

“Hey, Teruteru. Are you doing ok? You look, well um, stressed.”

“Huh?! Ahh- nononono Im perfectly ok love bug don’t worry about me hun!”

Rolling your eyes at him you Pat the spot right next to you on the bed.

“C’mere.”

He couldn’t bring himself to say no, so he sat down next to you and tried to relax. You could still see how tense he was so you started to massage his back slowly.

“Hey.”

“Hi…”

“Teruteru if you need to talk I’m right here. I love you a lot and I hate to see you taking the burden if something alone.”

“Thank you, sweets. I’m so lucky to have a boyfriend like you.”

Smiling to him you nod and stand up.

“Waitwaitwait! Do you mind if we have dinner later? I’ll make it and there’s this one really beautiful spot to eat it at?”

Chuckling you nod at his slightly jumbled words and walk out the door sending him finger guns.

“I’ll be there.”

Teruteru spent the rest of the afternoon preparing your favorite meals, he even made desert for you!

He went ahead and left before you to set up the spot. He put down the softest blanket he owned. He set out each dish and before he even knew it, it was time for you to show up.

You two had an amazing time. Sharing stories, an occasional kiss on the lips, compliments here and there.

The sun was setting and Teruteru knew he had to say it sooner or later. He stood up and gently placed a kiss on your lips and grabbed your hands.

“S/o, do you mind if I speak from the heart?”

“Of course Teru, I always enjoy it when you do!”

He gave you such a gentle look and smiled.

“S/o, you were my very first boyfriend. You never said anything bad about me, in fact you laughed when I made jokes or small comments. That always made my heart race, you’ve always made my heart race. S/o this is a big question and I want you to give me an honest answer,”

Getting down on one knee he made eye contact with you. Smiling to you he continues with the heartfelt speach

“Will you marry me? You make me so happy and I thought maybe we could take everything a step further.”

“Teruteru- Of course! Are you kidding me?! I love you!”

“Sugar- I love you too. Come here.”

Let’s just say you two had a fun and eventful evening.

Ryoma Hoshi

Ryoma was acting strange today. He seemed to be checking his phone a lot, getting some calls, and even acting a bit jittery around you.

You knew something was up but you didn’t want to make him anxious about everything. Deciding to lightly ask him about the topic you head to your shared room.

“Hey, Ryoma?”

“Gh! Oh, hey. Surprised me. Hey do you mind if we go to this restaurant later on? I know it’s last minute and such but- never mind… is it ok if we can?”

Cupping his cheek you give him a grin and a peck on the cheek.

“Of course we can sweetie. I’ll go ahead and get ready?”

“Yeah… I will as well.”

Ryoma checked his phone one more time. His friends were all texting him, wishing him good luck! He was really lucky to find such a supportive group of people to hold in his life. He was especially lucky to have you. You gave him a purpose again, you helped him to keep pushing through the worst days so he can find the better ones. He absolutely loved you.

“Hey ryoma im done-“

You saw him in the mirror looking at himself with a unreadable expression.

“Hey, if your worried about how you look don’t be. Remember I chose you to be my boyfriend for a reason. I really love you ryoma.”

“I wasn’t worried but thank you I think I needed a pep talk before we leave. I’m glad to have such a strong boyfriend.”

You both arrived on a restaurant that was overlooking the town. You could see just about everything, it was wonderful.

Ryoma and you had a very fun evening basking in each other’s company and just talking about what ever comes to mind.

You saw ryoma fiddling with something so you curiously asked about it.

“Hey, what is that?”

The question clearly caught him off guard. He took in a breath and looked at you with a loving look.

“S/o you’ve given me a purpose. You have helped me through my worst and I’ve never felt…. Happier. I wish to be in your life for a long time so S/o, will you be my husband?”

You couldn’t help the grin that seemed to settle on your face. Standing up you lean in to gently kiss him.

“I would love too.”

You two were happy, Ryoma texted all of his friends about the good news.

“Hmm… S/o Hoshi… has a nice ring to it doesn’t it?”

“Heh, it does.”

Bonus! Here are the wedding rings the guys would give to you!

Mondo’s ring for you

Teruteru’s ring for you

Ryoma’s ring for you

[andoqin]

Dramas I've watjched this year Pt 1

This is gonna be all the dramas I started and... have either paused or dropped for various reasons.

If I paused them I might go back to them at some point but if I dropped them that's it.

Mad for each other I like the main actors and I found the Netflix says I finished this... I have no memory of doing that, which should tell you a lot.

Doom at your Service - this one is on hold for now and I actually feel like finishing it because the premise and the actors are really for me and the mood the show brought to the table fits with my end of the year mood. I do think being able to binge this will be beneficial, because I think it wont actually hold up to much scrutiny especially in the latter half. (On Hold for now, 4 eps watched)

True Beauty - I knew this was going to be a hard sell for me and I was right. I always have trouble with high school shows, part of it is my age and part of it is the saccharine spin shows will often put on that. I dropped this fairly early on and I don't think i'm going to give this another chance. The main actress tries, but it's not enough and the cute lesbian romance my heart wanted was not going to happen :<. (Dropped, 4 eps watched).

Novoland: Pearl Eclipse - now granted I didn't technically watch an episode - 2021 had me too wary to start sth and I wanted to give it some time, but I followed along closely enough for the first 10-15 eps on my dash... and well considering how hyped for it I was and how much I *wanted* to watch it it deserves a spot on this list purely on account of the collossal waste of talent, time and audience patience this show is responsible for. (0 Eps watched but way too much time spent reading rants)

Awaken - This started in 2020, but I didnt watch (parts of) it until it was complete. I tried 3!!! times to finish this, with crime shows it's often a matter of me being in the right mood/the show hitting me in the right way until I'm invested because there's no romance (usually) to hook me emotionally. The reason I tried to watch this three times is purely Nam Goong Min and a little bit of the premise, but my god the editing is so bland, the show so averagely shot and the writing not good enough to carry it. (Idek how many eps I watched but I tried!!! 3 times!!!! damn you NGM!)

Inspector Koo - This one I'm DEFINITELY going to finish, now that it's all complete but currently I'm not in the mood for it at all. I can see it's strengths and I'm loving Lee Young Ae and Kim Hye Joon playing off of each other (and what a delightful dynamic that is!!) and the surrounding characters are all very interesting (need to find out what Santa's deal is!) but for some reason the thought of actually finishing it fills me with blah at the moment, which the show doesn't deserve. (6 eps watched - on hold for now)

The Sword and the brocade - TANG SONG YUN, WALLACE CHUNG!!! in a historical drama together, in pretty pretty costumes. It should have been great! But this drama suffers from its length, and even the beginning has some hilarious weird things about it (the fact that he saves her from drowning and its... nbd??? apparently????????) but I was willing to overlook that because they had a lovely understated sort of chemistry, and Tang Songyun really tried to get everything out of her role, but the writing just let down the show so hard I dropped it at the midway point and just never bothered to pick it back up and basically forgot about it. (20ish eps watched. Dropped)

Jun Jiu Ling - I was initially excited for this, I mean I didn't enjoy the source novel a whole lot, but it had Peng Xiao Ran! and Jin Han!!! maybe they can save it but lmao no, I watched 2 episodes and basically peaced out. PXR looked bored and lifeless and Jin Han is not a strong enough actor to really elevate a shoddy script. This isn't to say he's *bad* but if the writing doesn't favour his strength he's completely adrift. This, coupled with the blah production values makes this an instant miss. Only read @purplehanfu's hilarious recaps for this show! (2 eps watched. Dropped)

Jirisan - JOO JI HUN, Jun Ji Hyun!!! I'm just noticing a trend in the last three dramas. I get overly excited for the cast, because I think they largely pick dramas I like, but man the case of blah writing continues. This added to some eh directing had me watching parts of ep 1 and 2 with some skipping, 3 and 4 with more skipping and just not watching more. (Sort of 4 eps watched but not really, Dropped)

One the Woman - Lee Ha Nee is a delight and this show is one I might actually finish, since I do love this kind of premise and the acting of the supporting cast is helping a lot. I do think Lee Sang Yoon is not giving his best performance here, it's not bad but LHN outshines him so severely I honestly wish she was with anyone else. The problem is that I watched it to the halfway mark and I dread the second half which I can see will have a very bad Kdrama 2nd half downturn. Sigh. For LHN I still might though, thank god for the skip button. (On Hold, 8 eps watched.)

Rattan - This had some beautiful visuals a truly bonkers premise, but I think when I was watching the eng subs were sus at best and I kinda forgot about it. Watched about 4 eps?? No idea. Someone tell me how it ended up being as a complete drama please, I dont think my dashboard knows this drama exists haha. (Dropped, possibly might finish at some point)

Song of Youth - I started this for Bai Lu, but good lord her character was so unpleasant and they did sth so weird to the color grading/saturation for this drama I pretty much forgot it existed after 4 eps. (Dropped)

Bossam - Steal the Fate - Another one I was really into for the premise and the actors. Jung Il Woo seems to fare much better in historicals and him being a widow/bride abductor who accidentally abducts a princess was genius set up for me. Once again though the writing was not strong enough and while I did appreciate seeing JIW shirtless the writing left me bored witless. (Dropped)

Sisyphus: The Myth - AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHHAH ha hahahahaliksdjsakjd. I have a wholeass fucking rant on this trash dumpfire of a drama. Well only episode one but jesus fucking christ. Do not watch this. People didn't listen to me and continued and wasted their fucking time. Turns out Cho Seugn Woo can pick trashfires after all, after his string of strong strong dramas and performances. It's like he forgot what acting properly was? I'll just avoid PSH dramas from now on. (I wasted 1 hour on this episode and then whatever time I needed to write down my rant, which is honestly more than this drama deserves).

Hometown - I have only 4 episodes left on this one but by god it was just getting stupider by the second. Manipulating/Hypnotising people via sound/speech? I know that the police in dramas can't be too good otherwise we wont have a mystery or a drama, but this is just getting ridiculous. And everyone seems to have swiss cheese for brains. The production value is pretty high, it looks cinematic, the directing is actually pretty good I think but the script is just... no thank you. (8 episodes watched. Dropped)

Happiness - I'm currently pausing this, but I will definitely finish since I'm on ep 8 and I love the way the show has dealt with its premise and its main characters. Plus PHS is really beefy now??? Good Stuff. (On Hold)

Vincenzo - The hilariously fake italian stuff and the general vibe just didnt work for me so I dropped this fairly early on. I do enjoy the gifs I see on my dash but that's it. (Dropped)

The Devil Judge - It is very homoerotic, so I will have to finish, I just gotta find the time and energy to overlook its nonsense premise, which kind of overstretched my suspension of disbelief. (On Hold)

Taxi Driver - I found the first case pretty interesting, and I liked the lady cop but the core premise was a bit eh and something in me seems to not like vigilante justice all that much because I didn't really like our main characters. (Dropped)

Racket Boys - This show is pure unadulteraded fluffy goodness, but it didnt hook me deeply and that's the only reason I like shows like that. If the vibe is for you though, check it out, the kids feel like actual friends/found family. (Dropped)

Mouse - LMAO lmao lmao lmao no. Once again a DYSMAL fucking first episode that told me that finishing this show would drive me batshit. Plus the whole eugenics angle???? Miss me with that shit please. Also the cops in this universe have single digit IQs I don't know how they survive. (DROPPED LMAO)

A Tale of thousand Stars - I loved LOVED LOVED the trailer for this one, but the premise should have rightly scared me off, transplant love stories are always iffy at best for me and I just couldnt connect with the main characters and didn't believe the actors when they tried to act like they were in love. (Dropped)

Yumi's Cells - I found this to be a surprising delight and I was even into the little emotion animations, but I made the mistake of watching it while it was still airing, catching up and then forgetting about it. I might still continue watching, but maybe once S2 comes out. I do like the way it handles relationships and the fact that for once it's not going for a "HEA" in the traditional sense. I also think making this not a full 16 ep show was a smart move. (On Hold)

22 Shows of which i dropped 16! and 6 are on hold...

[marvelfansince08love]

My best friend and my sister

Word count: 3714

Pairing: Tammy x Miller!Reader (Lou’s younger sister)

Prompts requested: 1 “Why didn’t you tell me” 18 “How could you be so irresponsible?” 

A/N: For my sweet Anon, I hope you enjoy x Sorry it’s taking so long to get these out, I’ve been very burnt out recently but I’m back on track now! 

Tags: @waitingfortheendtocome @natasha-danvers @saucy-sapphic @witchxaf @creepingwolfberry​ @chewbacca0805​ @coconutlipss​

Prompts 1 & 18 

You and Lou had always been close growing up. Having such a cool older sister had its perks. Like when you were eight years old and you had pleaded and begged for that toy you had spotted in the window but your parents had shook their heads, not having enough money to afford ‘special gifts’. Those were only reserved for birthdays and Christmas’s. You had walked out of the store devastated with tears in your eyes until Lou walked you around the corner and revealed the toy from the depths of her long coat, a finger to her lips and a wink keeping the secret gift between you both. Lou had been seventeen then and was struggling to find a part time job to help pay some of the family's bills and so she could buy you gifts. 

“Every kid should have a few toys growing up. Including you, Y/N.” She would say. 

Once Lou had reached the sweet old age of twenty-one, an opportunity had presented itself before her, one that she just couldn't refuse. One right where the tall green statue stood proud overlooking the city of dreams. New York City was Lou's chance to make something of herself and, who were you to deny her of that?

"This could be good for us, Y/N! I could make enough money to bring you over and you can live with me!"  She had exclaimed, excitement filling her youthful blue eyes. You had nodded and basked in her excitement, the dreading feeling of abandonment slowly creeping its way through into your chest.

Once you had turned eighteen, Lou had kept to her promise of bringing you over to the big city, flying first class from Australia and leaving your parents down under, ready to start your new life; a better life. 

You had lived with Lou while studying in New York. Your apartment was small, but enough for the two of you. That was, until Lou introduced you to the infamous Deborah Ocean. The woman was beautiful and mysterious, her words carefully calculated, her dark eyes taking in the room before she had even stepped into it. You thought she was pretty badass compared to your older sister, especially when you found out what they did for a living. The ‘jobs’ that they did helped keep you both afloat through your first few years in New York City, especially when the bigger jobs were coming through, which helped you move into a bigger, fancier place that you could call home. 

That was the day you fell in love with the most breath-taking human you had ever laid eyes on. The woman was average height, her blonde hair resting against her breasts in soft curls. The small dark freckle on the corner of her upper lip drawing you in and oh, that wide smile that lit up her whole face making her brown eyes sparkle ever so slightly under the sunlight that seeped into the open living room space where you had stood, staring a little too long at this stunning woman.

"Stop drooling, kid. You're gonna end up needing the mop at this rate and we haven't even put an offer in yet," Debbie had whispered to you, teasing your love sick expression. You had snapped out of your gaze at that remark, stuttering over your words trying to defend yourself. You both stood and watched as Lou and this beautiful blonde discussed the price by the bay window overlooking the busy streets of New York. Tammy was her name, and it was the most beautiful name you had ever heard of, her soft voice showing a tiny hint of a lisp making you swoon just that bit more for her.

She was an old friend of Debbie's who knew just the right places for the best prices around the area, she had also helped with some of the more high profiled jobs when needed, mainly moving various illegal items across borders. You looked at the sweet blonde in awe, wondering how a woman like that could look so innocent and sweet. 

You had never gotten over that first meeting with Tammy but as the years went by and you matured into a strong minded individual, you realised that you'd rather ignore that pining feeling and continue on with your life as if nothing had changed within you that day. As if you hadn't pictured her breathless beneath you while you buried your fingers deep inside her throbbing heat or how good her left hand would look with a diamond ring on her finger letting everyone know she is yours and you are hers.

No, she was a friend of your sister… your older sister, and a good friend at that.

'Still, it doesn't stop you from thinking about how sweet she would sound moaning your name,' You think bitterly to yourself, hating that you still have this pull to her. 

That’s why you totally weren’t stalking her social media page as you entered your shared apartment with your older sister and her best friend. Briefcase in hand and your eyes glued to your phone screen, eyes transfixed on the sweet blonde who’s smile still makes your stomach flutter. 

You were so invested in your scrolling that you had missed the knowing smirk shared between your sister and her best friend. 

“Hey Kid, how was your first day on the job?” Lou asks, hiding her smirk beneath her coffee mug as Debbie lays out the new flooring plans for their next big job. You look up at the sound of her voice, taking in the blue papers on the living room table.

“Yeah, it was good! The students were lovely and eager, which was encouraging.” You gush, the excitement from your first successful day distracting you from the breath-taking photos of your secret crush.

“God, just the thought of college makes me shiver now. Thank god I develop my skills as a con artist.” Debbie jokes, her eyes trained on the carefully mapped out plan. You move to sit next to her, leaning your chin onto her shoulder pointing at an unmarked area on the layout plans. 

“If you place the camera chip by the corner on the east wing here, that should cover up to the left side of the entryway down the hall.” You mumble, before grabbing Debbie’s hot coffee and taking a sip. Lou scoffs from her seat across but you can spot the pride in her eyes. Living with two very intelligent con artists has its perks. Debbie kisses the top of your head with enthusiasm.

“You’re the best, pumpkin. Still think you’re going down the right career path?” She questions, a playful smirk appearing on her lips making you shake your head as you move towards your bedroom. 

“You guys have your thing, I have mine. Besides, I’m far too good for your lil crew, Ocean.” You joke, turning to wink at the brunette before heading into your room. You falter slightly upon closing your door hearing your sister’s voice shout through to you from the other side. 

“The ‘crew’ are coming over later to go through the plan. You wanna join us?!” You bump your head lightly against your wooden door, already feeling the knowing smirks coming from both women. 

“Maybe. I’ll see how I feel later.” You reply against the door, before moving away and removing your work clothes piece by piece, leaving a trail of material towards the en-suite bathroom. 

Placing your phone on the drawer by the bathroom door, you head in for a shower completely missing the new text message from your favourite blonde.

Hey darling! I hope your first day went well. Can’t wait to hear all about it tonight! Tam x

***

Writing up the last few lines for your lesson plans, you look towards the digital clock on your desk as your stomach flutters in anticipation at seeing the blonde. You see, you may have never seeked out your intentions with Tammy but you would be fooling yourself if you thought you were over your silly crush on the woman. 

A loud knock on your door interrupts your thoughts. 

“Y/N! They’ll be here soon, are you joining us or not?” Lou’s deep voice came muffled from the other side of your door.

“Uh, yeah. Let me finish up this lesson plan and I’ll be out.” You reply, distracted by your thoughts. Shaking your head, you refocus back onto the task at hand before you can let your thoughts trail off into a much more filthier place.

You continue to write in your planner making sure that every detail has been looked over at least twice wanting everything to be perfect, completely unaware of the unannounced presence that stands by your doorway leaning heavily against the doorframe, soft eyes gazing lovingly at your hunched over figure. 

“Hey, you.” 

The voice startles you from your productivity, making you gasp and swirl around swiftly at the unexpected voice. Hand on chest, you try to catch your breath as the sweet angelic sound of Tammy’s laughter echoes throughout the bedroom. 

“Oh my god, Tammy! You gotta warn me next time.” You breathe, turning back to rearrange your notepad and planner. Tammy chuckles this time before pushing away from the doorframe and making herself comfortable at the foot of the bed.

“I’m sorry darling, but we’ve been out there for nearly an hour and well.. I missed you. We haven’t hung out with you much lately and we’re missing our most valuable member of the crew.” She confesses, a small smile playing on her lips as she takes in your room. You feel your heart flutter at the thought of her missing you, but you quickly squish down the thought knowing she didn’t mean just her but the rest of the gang. 

“Oh shit! I hadn’t realised the time. You guys haven’t ordered yet, right?” You ask, eyes hopeful and mouth watering at the thought of some delicious greasy pizza. 

“We have..” You pout at her words before watching her smile wide at you. “But don’t worry Y/N, I ordered your favourite.” She informs you with a smug expression. You leap out of your chair and practically leap towards her, placing your arms around her shoulder you press a big kiss to her cheek before moving away just as quickly heading for the living room.

“This is why you’re my favourite, Tam Tam.” You exclaim, already out of the room before she could blink. Within your excitement you missed how the blonde touched her cheek where you had placed the kiss onto her scorching skin, a tint of pink blushing across her cheeks. 

Yeah, you weren’t the only one smitten. 

***

Over the next few days, you had helped your sister and her crew form the perfect plan to take over the new Randervelt Museum and their very expensive art pieces. Debbie had dropped enough hints that you ended up being a part of the plan. 

“We can’t do this without you, Y/n.” 

“The money is good.” 

How could you say no? After all, you were a Miller and the thrill of a heist had always been appealing to you ever since your sister brought you along to your first one when you turned 21. “It’s tradition”, Lou had said. 

During that time, you had noticed Tammy had been awfully quiet around you. Sometimes you would catch her staring just a little too long at you before she would turn away and engage in conversation with one of the others, as if nothing was wrong. You had tried to talk to her about her odd behaviour but every time you got her alone, she would make some kind of excuse to not be around you. 

You’d be lying if you said it didn’t hurt but the plan had gone smoothly with everyone accounted for, all except for well... you. 

“Where is she, Constance?” Tammy raged through her earpiece, getting ready to jump back out of the van and go searching for you herself. 

“She’s got caught up with that big ass guard. I’m going to intervene to see if I can get her out of the way.” Constance replies, far too calm for her liking. 

“What do you mean caught up with the guard?! What’s he saying to her?” 

“I dunno but, uh… it seems like he’s flirting with her.” Tammy gulps slightly at that, feeling her stomach drop. 

“Well, get him to back off before I come in there and do it myself.” She says through gritted teeth.

“Alright girl, chill the F out. I’ll go get your girl.” She mumbles into her ear. Tammy’s eyes widen at the blunt statement as she hears quiet chuckling from the others. 

“Ladies, can we please focus? This is my sister and I swear to god if anything happens to her I- just… Constance, go and get her. Me and Debbie are going to bring round the other truck so we can transfer the paintings over to you, got it?” Lou’s authoritative voice crackles through the earpiece. A collective of sorry's are mumbled across the team as everyone returned back to the task at hand. Tammy holds her breath, waiting for Constance's confirmation of a safe exit with you in toe. 

“Got her. We’re on our way out now, be ready for us.” 

She can finally breathe again.

***

The journey back to the warehouse was quiet and tense. Tammy tried to let go of the pent up frustration and unwanted anger of having you in such a situation in the first place, but she couldn’t seem to drop it. That is, if her knee bouncing rapidly had anything to say about it. 

You kept your eyes fixed on the empty seat across from you, knowing that a certain pair of  brown doe eyes were burning into your skull from the spot across. Once you had all entered the apartment, the team disperses towards the living area bringing in the pieces one by one. 

Tammy is no longer able to keep her thoughts to herself, the words ready to spill from her throat. 

“How could you be so irresponsible?” She scolded, turning towards you. 

Your eyes widen as you gape at her, showing your shock at her blunt words. 

You can hear Lou chastising Tammy quietly in warning from across the room, but from the look on the blonde's face she wasn’t about to listen to her friend.  

“Excuse me?” You exclaim, taking a step closer to her. 

“You could have gotten into some serious trouble back there Y/N, if that guy had caught onto what you were doing.. You need to be more careful.” She lectured, trying to slow down her rapid breathing knowing that secretly, deep down, it wasn’t your fault. 

“Are you being serious right now?!” You question, baffled by her defensive behaviour. 

“I knew it was a bad idea putting you in danger like that. I should have said something.” Tammy mutters to herself, but her words are clear enough for you to hear. 

“What do you mean, Tam? Is that why you’ve been so weird with me? I knew there was something up with you.” You summarize, pointing an accusing finger at the blonde. You notice at the corner of your eye, the other woman silently leaving the room, clearly not wanting to be involved. 

Your eyes catch your sisters, her crystal blue eyes staring back at you with understanding and knowing, baffling you even more before Debbie escorts her reluctant form out of the room, knowing that you are old enough to deal with the problem at hand.

“Okay, fine! I was pissed off, alright? I hated the fact that you were dragged into yet another job, an illegal job might I add. You are doing something good with your life right now, darling. I don’t want you getting mixed up in all of this. You’re too good for this.” She says, indicating towards the stolen art pieces. You frown at just how concerned she is with your involvement.

“Why do you care so much, Tam? I’m just your best friend's kid sister, remember?” You mock, remembering back to the time when you overheard her conversation with Debbie about your odd relationship with the older woman. 

“She’s young, Debs. I’m merely being a friend.”  Those were her words back then and they still stung to this day. 

Tammy drops her gaze, shame evident, remembering how she saw your retreating form from the corner of her eye back when she spoke to Debbie about her confusing feelings towards you.  

“I only said that because I was too scared to admit how I actually felt about you, Y/N.” Her voice soft, faltering slightly under her confession. Her eyes bright with unshed tears, her shoulders dropping as if the weight of her secret love for you has been lifted. You gape at the woman in front of you, overwhelmed with uncertainty and hope.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You managed to croak out, unable to form further words. 

Tammy shrugs her shoulders in defeat, before slowly meeting your conflicted gaze. You could see the vulnerability in those big brown eyes, making you step towards her. That instant pull between you growing stronger just like it had during that first meeting. 

“What, and tell your sister ‘oh hey, I know I’m one of your closest friends but I’m in love with your younger sister’? I don’t think that would have gone down well back then, do you?” You both chuckle slightly realising how ridiculous this all is. 

“I’m pretty sure she’s known something was going on,” you pause for a minute, thinking carefully about your next words. “Because I dunno if you know this, but I’ve been in love with you since I first laid my eyes on you.” You confess, folding your arms across your chest as if to protect yourself from your own words. 

Before you could apologise or take back your words, scared by the fallen silence that has settled between you both, Tammy walks the last few steps towards you placing her hands gently against your jaw, cupping your face within the palms of her hands. The tenderness within her hold makes you want to cry at just how much love seeps from her one single touch. 

“I would very much like to kiss you.” She whispers, her lips an inch away from your own. You close your eyes basking in the moment before you reply. 

“Then, do it.” Her lips clash with your own at your words, desperate as if they’ve been waiting a million years just to touch your own soft lips. Her tongue traces along your bottom lip making you part your lips ever so slightly but enough for her to trace her tongue along your own, fighting for dominance. Bringing your hands up, you thread your fingers through long blonde locks keeping her close not wanting to break away just yet. You continue with this fight for dominance with your mouths before the distinctive sound of someone gagging makes you break apart. 

Turning your heads to the side, you both see Lou and the others stood by the doorway with stupid grins on their faces. All except for Lou, who was fake gagging next to Debbie who just rolled her eyes at her best friend's antics. 

“Are you guys done sucking each other's faces? Because I wanna order pizza.” Nine says with indifference, before moving into the room and towards the kitchen where the food menus lay scattered on the kitchen island table. 

The others laugh watching as you both fluster at being caught making out like teenagers. You eye up your sister who has been very quiet about the whole exchange, feeling Tammy shift uncomfortably next to you clearly waiting for your sister to react. 

You keep a supportive arm around her waist, silently telling her that no matter what you’re both stronger than the rejection. Lou walks agonizingly slowly towards you both with a stoic face, giving nothing away while Debbie rolls her eyes at her friend's dramatics, once again. 

“My best friend and my sister...” Is all she says, as if trying to piece the information together out loud. 

You gulp once she’s up close to you, standing with her arms crossed as her eyes flicker between you and Tammy. The silent exchange feels like it goes on for a century before she breaks out into a huge smile, showing her pearly white teeth and her arms out wide towards you both.

“My best friend and my sister!” She exclaims excitingly, before pulling you both into a three-way hug. You both lock eyes over your sister’s shoulder, relief evident in those perfect brown eyes making you grin softly. 

“Yeah, me and your sister, Lou.” Tammy says as she laughs at your sister's antics. Lou pulls back, holding your shoulders with her hands eyeing your now clasped hands. 

“Just don’t make it gross, yeah? She’s still my little sister and I will kick your arse if you hurt her, Tam Tam.” Lou threatens, but the tone of her voice clearly shows she’s only half joking. 

You roll your eyes at your sister’s empty threat before she bops you on the nose, which you bat away with your free hand. 

“That goes for you as well, kid. She’s still one of my best friends, you hurt her in any way then me and you will be having words. Got it?” She promises, before winking and walking back towards the kitchen where the others have been not so subtly listening in to the exchange. 

You look at the blonde in front of you, taking in her soft features and perfect smile, overwhelmed with love for this woman in front of you.  Leaning in, you kiss the corner of her mouth softly. 

“I could never hurt you Tam Tam. Who would get my pizza order right, if not you?” You tease, watching the mischievous glint burn within her brown eyes as she playfully shoves you. 

“You, dork.” Grabbing her hand quickly, you place it over your heart and whisper. 

“But I’m your dork,” you smile cheekily at her.

“Yeah, my dork.” She confirms, her adoring eyes gazing into your own thinking to herself. 

Finally.

[luna-is-on-mars]

I'm so deeply sorry for worrying you @ajokeformur-ray and @jslittlebirdie! That was never my intention and it pains me very much to realize how unfair and careless my disappearance was. In fact, I still find it difficult to realize and accept that I'm actually seen, heard and even valued by the two of you, that I may not just be a nobody on the internet, but a very real friendship. I would like to apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for the sorrow that has arisen, for the worries and thoughts that you've made, for the horrific impression that I've given and all the other terrible things and feelings that my sudden absence caused. I swear none of this was my intention and I hope so much you two know that none of this has to do with any of you! I'm all too aware of how it feels and none of you deserve it in the least. For this reason I understand that you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore and yet I hope that you can accept my apology. What I did was neither fair nor justified, I know that, but I still want to let you know that I miss you indescribably. Even when we weren't interacting or I was online, you were always with me, in my heart and mind. The meaning that you've for me is limitless and I could never thank you for all the wonderful, great things that you've done and are for me. I hope to never forget you and I hope so much that my carelessness and thoughtlessness didn't ruin such a meaningful acquaintance!

I was wondering how I could ever get in touch again, tried not to be a coward just once, to admit my mistake and to apologize. I know that I've always needed you more than you needed me, that I've hoped again and again for understanding and acceptance from you. And I realized that this time is probably no exception. So if you're still reading this text, then the READ MORE will be followed by my explanation of why I disappeared at all, why it took me so long to come back and what was going on in my head.

So, as you may know, my apprenticeship started last Monday. In detail, this means that I have two days of school every two weeks and one day of school for the opposite two weeks. In the weeks where I have one day of school, I also work five days in the store, in the weeks with two days of school it is four days. This means that I only have one day off per week and that I'm awake from 5:10 or 6:00 am, until 1:30 or 2:40 pm at work/school, at 2:00 or 3:30 pm I'm at home and go to bed by 9 p.m. at the latest, so really too little time to rest, cook, clean up, etc. So currently I ride my bike about 40-50 km per week. All of this ensures that I'm quite exhausted, plus the overwhelming changes in my everyday life, with completely new and unknown environments, activities, people and above all routines (which is an enormous effort for me). But all of this has become more or less established for me and I very much hope that not too much will change now and that I'll get used to everything as quickly as possible.

All of these things are already exhausting enough for me, but the worst is that I'm now going back to school with people who're all too quick to judge and who've high expectations of me, who've little understanding and openness for people who're different, with problems and difficulties. People like me. I've already had a negative clash with one of my teachers because he asked me to do something that I couldn't organize in terms of time.

But that's not what's worst for me because that's one of my classmates. She has only seen me for two days, hardly knows anything about me and yet she hurt me so much and made me think that I came home and cried, so discouraged and hopeless. Actually, I'm not an overly "openly" emotional person, but I don't have too high an opinion of myself anyway.

She told me that I'm such a shollow person, invisible, irrelevant, that my being alone alienates me from my surroundings, that I would't understand anything within the real life, that all I'm and feel are just my thoughts, that I'm a waste in this world, that I'm alone and always will be because my lack of social interaction and experiences mean that I'm not able, don't have the right, to feel part of any group or society. She told me that I'm a nobody, incapable of anything, with a cold heart.

And let me tell you, I was overwhelmed, scared, sad and hurt. I actually thought there was some truth to it, and maybe it is, but after days of worrying, I realized that I'm SO MUCH more too!

All of my problems, all of my loneliness don't make me angry, bitter or cold-hearted, on the contrary, in fact. My loneliness and detachment are part of me, neither positive nor negative, they allow me to observe, understand and empathize. Maybe I don't belong anywhere, but because of me, no one else will EVER have to feel as if they're not accepted and valued for who they're. No one will ever feel as lost or hopeless as I do. For me, every single living being is something very special and extraordinary. Maybe I don't have a big or important meaning, but neither am I meaningless. If being part of one of these groups or societies means that it's okay to hurt someone, then I NEVER can and NEVER want to be part of them. I prefer to watch the world, stay away from people who have no idea of the meaning of their words and deeds, stay lonely. Because, in reality, my heart is neither cold nor dead, it's incredibly alive, full of warmth and love. My mind is filled with so many wonderful ideas, stories, observations, and experiences; it's not dull or wasted. My amazement, love, curiousity, compassion and appreciation are truly limitless. Maybe I'll never fully understand the people and life around me, maybe I'll never find my place, my home, but that's okay. My mother always told me that if I don't find my place among people, I'll always have one among the stars. I've no idea what or who is popular, how to do this or that, what's considered normal or realistic, what makes the average life special, worth living or beautiful. And that's okay. I realized, more than before, that I'm capable of something, something very important in fact! I feel, intensely, limitless and almost magical. I know what it feels like to have the rain pattering down on me, to feel the wind in my hair, to see my cats happy, to see the smiles of those around me, authentic and beautiful, how amazing it is to look at the stars, to be filled and flowed through by music. I know what it feels like to live, not to experience, but to simply be alive, to breathe, to see and to perceive everything, no matter how small, around me. To be overwhelmed by emotions, good and bad. Should I actually be meaningless, then I'm definitely grateful for all the meaningful things that I can experience.

I'm lonely, out of place, that's right. Maybe I'm lost, but maybe it allows me to see and discover so much more. I have realized that all of my weaknesses and difficulties, my loneliness, make me understanding and kind. Not cold or incompetent, insignificant or indifferent. I wish I could show her, make her understand that there's so much more than popularity or reputation, all of these wonderfully great things that she seems to overlook or perceive as of less value. And even though her words hurt me, I made up my mind to forgive her. I wish she would understand how complex and meaningful words, deeds, feelings, people and this extraordinary world are, I'm sorry that she understands and appreciates so little. In any case, I want to make sure that she, or anyone else, NEVER gets hurt by me.

I'm sorry to annoy you with my rambling, but that's why I needed time to myself. Unfortunately, I'll not have too much time and energy to be very active in the future either, but I'll try to read and answer all of your wonderful messages. I can't tell how quickly I'm able to do this, but I will try my best! After a really exhausting and intense week, I'm definitely back. And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the compassionate, thoughtful messages. Their, and your, incredible meaning is really difficult for me to put into words, so THANK YOU!

I miss you both so incredible much and I hope all is well with you.

[bitletsanddrabbles]

Phyllis Baxter Doesn’t Give A Fuck, and That’s Marvelous!

I’ve mentioned a couple of times that I’m reading (well, have read by this point) “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.” No, I’m not censoring the title – the cover has a stylized ink blot where the U goes. It’s the only self help book I’ve ever read and the only one I’m ever likely to read because honestly? It’s really good. No, seriously. It’s not the smart ass nihilism you might expect from the title (in fact, it warns away from that). It’s just very down to Earth and grounding and it explains so much! Why there are wildly successful people who feel like failures! Why, no matter how much you avoid drama, you still aren’t happy! Where these mind sets came from!

….Why Phyllis Baxter is the most mentally healthy person in Downton Abbey!

No. No, really. The entire second half of the book, I had scenes from Downton going through my head, dominated by Raquel Cassidy and her freakishly beautiful eyes! (Seriously, how does anyone get eyes that pretty? Can not even!)

So since I haven’t done overly much character meta in awhile, let’s look at this a bit!

The main thing about Phyllis that stands out, that’s always stood out, that just stands out more and is easier to put into words having read the book* is that she takes responsibility for her life. The obvious example here is her insistence on owning her part in the jewelry heist rather than letting people foist the blame off on Peter Coyle, but it goes beyond that. That is something she takes responsibility for that is also her fault, but she manages, somehow, without a book telling her, to recognize that ‘responsibility’ and ‘fault’ are two difference concepts; that accepting responsibility is not the same as blaming herself; and to apply that to all aspects of her life. A better example is the Bateses getting their noses out of joint when Thomas summoned the police to talk to her. That was not her fault. The fact she was confused when she was told they wanted to talk to her should have made it pretty darn obvious to anyone that she hadn’t done the summoning. The Bateses missed that, or were just so rattled they overlooked it, or whatever, and got pissed. That was also not her fault. But it was still a thing that was happening to her, it was a part of her life, and she took responsibility for figuring out what to do about it, and she did a really good job. I mean, she could have just sat there insisting that it was Thomas’s fault for writing the letter and the Bateses’ fault for not trusting her or questioning things and that it wasn’t her fault, therefore they were responsible for fixing it. She didn’t. She sat down and solved the damn problem. The fact that life had left Thomas Barrow with a mental health level that can be reasonably classed as ‘stage four emotional cancer’ was likewise not her fault, but again, it was something she had to deal with. It was part of her life. She could easily have followed the lead of most the staff and simply let Thomas happen, but she’s way to responsible for that. She knows that’s not going to fix any problem for anyone, and she knows that while she can’t solve Thomas’s problems for him, he can’t solve them himself without a butt load of support.

She doesn’t give a fuck if the problem is her fault, she’s still going to deal with it!

Next point is that while she might tremble at the thought of public ridicule, she is not afraid of failure. Before we even meet her, she’s already failed all over the place. She failed to recognize Peter Coyle as a toxic pos. As a result, she failed at keeping her job. Once she got out of prison (which she actually seemed to succeed at, ironically), she failed at getting a new job until Thomas came along. She failed at making a deal with Thomas. She succeeded at getting out of the deal, but she failed at keeping Thomas’s trust. She failed at keeping Cora’s trust. She repeatedly failed at winning Thomas’s trust back. Heck, her aforementioned attempts to regain the trust of the Bateses failed! Not once did she let those failures stop her. Each time she took responsibility for her life and it’s problems and she tried again until, eventually, she succeeded. She won back Cora’s trust and got to keep her job. She needed Molesley’s help to repair relations with the Bateses, because you can’t always do everything yourself, but she managed. Eventually she managed to rebuild that bridge with Thomas that had been hit with napalm (before the invention of napalm! These guys are impressive!). She succeeds because she’s failed, learned from those failures, and is not afraid to fail again. It’s a straight up inspiration to anyone.

She doesn’t give a fuck if she fails, she’s gonna try anyway!

I can’t speak specifically to her core values, other than to say the seem to be pretty solid ones, because the specifics of those are very personal and very internal. She clearly values supporting people and has learned to value honesty, but that’s as far as we can go there. However, she’s also okay being average. That’s huge. She’s okay being not terribly special. She is special, of course, and she likes being appreciated, but the extremest need to be the best-and-most-loved or the worst-and-most-pitied is not her. She does not see simply living her life, known to a few close people, and then being forgotten after she dies as the ultimate failure. This frees her of most jealousy issues because she’s not focused on what she doesn’t have.  It’s brilliant.

She doesn’t give a fuck if she’s special, she’s got a life to live!

(Thomas and Edith both fail spectacularly at this one, which isn’t surprising, considering their respective lives. I mean, if they were masters of this, I’d kinda be bashing their characterization as hyper unrealistic.)

And finally, while she has been repeatedly victimized she (like a lot of true victims who get help and get out), does not go in for what the book terms Victimhood Chic, that lovely entitled view that says everything that makes you unhappy is oppression and you have the moral right to be offended by it. She doesn’t make trouble so she can have the moral high ground for a few seconds. She doesn’t dogmatically insist that she’s right and everyone else is wrong. She allows others their circumstances and view points. She tries to understand those view points rather than just insisting that other people have to try and see hers. She allows herself to move on and find new, healthier relationships with new, less toxic people rather than holding the world up to the standard of Peter Coyle.

She doesn’t give a fuck about moral superiority, there are better emotional highs than being pissed off 24/7! Like sitting on the beach listening to that nice guy you work with tell you about the book he’s reading!

She’s still not perfect, of course. She has her flaws. Everyone does. She can still be timid and get herself into less than healthy relationships. But damned if she isn’t also a hell of a role model.

* Honestly a lot of what it told me is things I already knew, it just helped to clarify them, give clear ways to talk about them, and give some suggestions on how to combat them. Not ‘fix’ them – that is too easy a word and there are no easy solutions in this thing. Combat.